Chandler Bing: Hey.
Monica Geller: So how was Joan?
Chandler Bing: I broke up with her.
Chandler Bing: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.
Rachel Green: Come on, they were not that huge.
Chandler Bing: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.
Monica Geller: How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things?
Joey Tribbiani: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.
Chandler Bing: You or me?
Ross Geller: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
Joey Tribbiani: You guys are messin' with me, right?
Everyone: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa."
Phoebe Buffay: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.
Chandler Bing: Maureen Rosilla.
Ross Geller: Not hating Yanni is not a real reason.
Monica Geller: Hello, Mr. Heckles.
Mr. Heckles: You're doing it again.
Monica Geller: We're not doing anything.
Mr. Heckles: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.
Rachel Green: You don't have birds.
Mr. Heckles: I could have birds.
Monica Geller: Ok, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down.
Mr. Heckles: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party.
Rachel Green: All right, bye-bye.
Chandler Bing: Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky.
Ross Geller: We'll give you Janice.
Phoebe Buffay: I miss Janice though. "Hello, Chandler Bing."
Rachel Green: "Oh, my, god."
Joey Tribbiani: "Oh, Chandler, now, now, that's it. There, faster!"
Monica Geller: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise.
Rachel Green: We won. We won!
Monica Geller: Mr. Heckles.
Rachel Green: How did this happen?
Mr. Treeger: He musta been sweepin'. They found a broom in his hand.
Monica Geller: That's terrible.
Mr. Treeger: I know. I was sweepin' yesterday. It coulda been me.
Ross Geller: Sure, sweepin'. You never know.
Mr. Treeger: You never know.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!
Chandler Bing: Ok, Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true.
Joey Tribbiani: Such as?
Phoebe Buffay: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?
Ross Geller: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution?
Phoebe Buffay: Nah. Not really.
Ross Geller: You don't believe in evolution?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.
Ross Geller: Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I just don't buy it.
Ross Geller: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, don't get me started on gravity.
Ross Geller: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
Chandler Bing: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.
Mr. Treeger: There she is. And over there, that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you.
Monica Geller: What can we do for you?
Buddy Boyles: All right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "the noisy girls in the apartment above mine".
Monica Geller: Well, what about his family?
Buddy Boyles: He didn't have any.
Rachel Green: Ok, so let's talk money.
Buddy Boyles: All right, there was none. Let's talk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be noisy girl number two.
Monica Geller: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it?...Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge!
Rachel Green: Have you ever seen so much crap?
Chandler Bing: Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap
Joey Tribbiani: Check this out. Can I have this?
Ross Geller: How can you not believe in evolution?
Phoebe Buffay: Just don't. Look at this funky shirt!
Ross Geller: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? You can literally see them evolving through time.
Phoebe Buffay: Really? You can actually see it?
Ross Geller: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over.
Phoebe Buffay: See, I didn't know that.
Ross Geller: Well, there you go.
Phoebe Buffay: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?
Chandler Bing: Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of Grievances."
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're in here too.
Chandler Bing: April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent.
Rachel Green: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.
Monica Geller: Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps.
Rachel Green: What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool.
Monica Geller: It doesn't go with any of my stuff.
Rachel Green: Well, what about my stuff?
Monica Geller: You don't have any stuff.
Rachel Green: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?
Monica Geller: No.
Rachel Green: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room.
Monica Geller: Mmmmm.
Rachel Green: Ok, while you "mmm" on it for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp.
Ross Geller: Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
Ross Geller: Please tell me you're joking.
Phoebe Buffay: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't.
Ross Geller: No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because-
Phoebe Buffay: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.
Ross Geller: Is there blood coming out of my ears?
Joey Tribbiani: Check it out, check it out. Heckles' high school yearbook.
Chandler Bing: Wow, he looks so normal.
Phoebe Buffay: He's even kind of cute.
Joey Tribbiani: "Heckles, you crack me up in science class. You're the funniest kid in school.
Chandler Bing: Funniest? Heckles?
Joey Tribbiani: That's what it says.
Chandler Bing: Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. He was right. Would you listen to that?
Phoebe Buffay: I'd call that excessive.
Chandler Bing: Whoa!
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Chandler Bing: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.
Joey Tribbiani: So, you were both dorks. Big deal.
Chandler Bing: I just think it's weird, you know? Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles...Would you knock it off?
Joey Tribbiani: Have you been here all night?
Chandler Bing: Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did.
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case.
Chandler Bing: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast, let's go.
Chandler Bing: What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it "supposably"?
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler, come on, you're gonna find somebody.
Chandler Bing: How do you know that? How?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know, I'm just tryin' to help you out.
Chandler Bing: You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna be doin'. I mean, what if we're at her folks' place?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I understand.
Joey Tribbiani: You can come over and watch the Super Bowl. Every year, all right?
Chandler Bing: You know what? I'm not gonna end up like this. I'll see you man.
Joey Tribbiani: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably.
Chandler Bing: Hi, it's me.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, my, god.
Phoebe Buffay: Janice? You called Janice?
Chandler Bing: Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?
Ross Geller: You remember Janice, right?
Chandler Bing: Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Helloo!!
Chandler Bing: Oh, my, god!
Joey Tribbiani: Geez, look how fat she got.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Hey, it's everybody.
Chandler Bing: Janice, you're-
Janice Litman Goralnik: Yes, I am.
Chandler Bing: Is it-?
Janice Litman Goralnik: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now.
Chandler Bing: Congratulations.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
Chandler Bing: You couldn't have told me about this on the phone?
Janice Litman Goralnik: And what? Missed the expression on your face? Janice likes to have her fun.
Monica Geller: Hey, Rache. You know what we haven't played in a while?
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller: Hide the Lamp.
Rachel Green: Monica, let it go.
Monica Geller: Did you know I was allergic to shellfish?
Rachel Green: Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.
Ross Geller: Ok, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities.
Ross Geller: It's the only possibility, Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?
Ross Geller: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility.
Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe you caved.
Ross Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry?
Rachel Green: I am. Let me just get my coat.
Monica Geller: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke.
Rachel Green: Oh, please, Monica. You've always hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it's just magically broken?
Monica Geller: Phoebe, tell her!
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you.
Rachel Green: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.
Chandler Bing: Neat. I'm gonna die alone.
Rachel Green: Ok, you win.
Monica Geller: Chandler, you're not gonna die alone.
Chandler Bing: Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh huh. Why is that?
Chandler Bing: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, yknow. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!
Monica Geller: You have got to get over this. You're not gonna end up alone.
Chandler Bing: Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there.
Rachel Green: Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with.
Monica Geller: You are not a freak. You're a guy.
Rachel Green: She's right. She's right. You are no different than the rest of them.
Monica Geller: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. You are totally different.
Chandler Bing: In a bad way?
Monica Geller: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone.
Rachel Green: Yeah. You're not gonna end up alone.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!
Monica Geller: You made it!
Phoebe Buffay: You're there!
Rachel Green: You are ready to make a commitment!
Chandler Bing: Whoa! Don't know about that.
Rachel Green: What you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break?
Monica Geller: No. Um, I know you like this, and I want you to have it. I think it'll look good in our apartment.
Rachel Green: Thank you.
Monica Geller: That's fine.
Chandler Bing: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Alison, from work. She's great. She's pretty, she's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you?
Chandler Bing: I'll take that.
Joey Tribbiani: You want his yearbook?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it.
Monica Geller: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but, he was a person. You're all going to hell.
Rachel Green: It's really not that big!
Chandler Bing: Takin' that with you, huh?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah.
Ross Geller: You comin'?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, jus' second. Good-bye Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down.
Alison: Oh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see "Philosopher wanted"?
Chandler Bing: Sure.


Rachel Green: Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night, I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing OH MY GOOOD, oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for you. OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy. Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh. It's open you guys.
Stranger: Hi.
Rachel Green: Hi, hi can I help you?
Stranger: Yeah, I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here?
Rachel Green: Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a message to her.
Stranger: Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by.
Rachel Green: What?
Stranger: Hey, how, how did you do that?
Joey Tribbiani: This is unbelievable Phoebs, how can you be married?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I mean, I'm not married married, ya know, he's just a friend and he's gay and he's just from Canada and he just needed a green card.
Monica Geller: I can't believe you married Duncan. I mean how could you not tell me? We lived together, we told each other everything.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry Monica but I knew if I told you, you'd get really, like, judgemental and you would not approve.
Monica Geller: Of course I wouldn't approve, I mean, you were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay. I mean, what the hell were you thinking?
Ross Geller: You see, and you thought she'd be judgemental.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, I wasn't in love with him and I was just helping out a friend.
Monica Geller: Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month and I saw you eat a cheeseburger.
Everyone: Huuh.
Monica Geller: Well, didn't you?
Phoebe Buffay: I might have.
Monica Geller: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, c'mon, like you tell me everything.
Monica Geller: What have I not told you?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I don't know. Umm, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace.
Rachel Green: What!
Monica Geller: Wait a minute, who told you? You are dead meat.
Chandler Bing: I didn't know it was a big secret.
Monica Geller: Oh it's not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh I don't know, having a third nipple.
Phoebe Buffay: You have a third nipple?
Chandler Bing: You bitch.
Ross Geller: Whip it out, whip it out.
Chandler Bing: C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's just a tiny bump, it's totally useless.
Rachel Green: Oh as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin.
Ross Geller: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know, you see somethin', you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Let me see it again.
Everyone: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin, the nubbin.
Chandler Bing: Joey was in a porno movie.
Everyone: Huuh.
Chandler Bing: If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' everybody with me.
Ross Geller: You were in a porno?
Joey Tribbiani: Ahh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just wanted a job, OK. But at the last minute I couldn't go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't 'cause there's people havin' sex on it.
Monica Geller: That is wild.
Ross Geller: So what's it shaped like?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, is there a hair on it?
Joey Tribbiani: What happens if you flick it?
Ross Geller: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?
Chandler Bing: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.
Julie: You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked around you.
Chandler Bing: Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area?
Ross Geller: You know, you are so amazing, is there anything you, you don't know?
Rachel Green: Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special.
Monica Geller: Look honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But he's with her now and you're just gonna have to get over it.
Rachel Green: Ohh, I'm gonna have to get over it. God, see I didn't know that's I had to do, I just have to get over it.
Everyone: Woah.
Joey Tribbiani: Foxy lady.
Julie: Where you goin'?
Phoebe Buffay: Um, I'm gonna go meet Duncan, he's skating tonight at the Garden, he's in the Capades.
Joey Tribbiani: The Ice Capades?
Chandler Bing: No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast but when Snoopy falls. . . funny.
Monica Geller: I can't believe you're dressing up for him. I mean, you're just, you're setting yourself up all over again.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, no. For your information I'm going to see him so I can put all those feeling behind me. OK, and the reason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice to look nice for your gay husband.
Ross Geller: Oh, darnit, we're all out of milk. Hey Chandler, would you fill me up here?
Chandler Bing: Oh I see, I see, because of the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha. . .
Ross Geller: OK sweetie, I'll see you later.
Julie: See you later Rach.
Rachel Green: Bye-bye Julie.
Rachel Green: Hey.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hey, c'mon, cut it out.
Ross Geller: Hey?
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: Can I ask you somethin'?
Rachel Green: Sure.
Ross Geller: Naa.
Rachel Green: What? C'mon, talk to me.
Ross Geller: OK, what's the longest you've been in the relationship before ha, have, having the sex?
Rachel Green: Why? Who's not having. . . Are you and Julie not, are, are you and, are you and Julie not having sex?
Ross Geller: Technically, huh, no.
Rachel Green: Wow. Is it, is it 'cause she's so cold in bed. Or, or is it 'cause she's like, kinda bossy, makes it feel like school?
Ross Geller: No, no, she's great and it's not like we haven't done anything. I mean, uh, uh, we, we do plenty of other stuff, lot's of other stuff, like uhh. . .
Rachel Green: No, no no no, don't need to know the details.
Ross Geller: It's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've only been with one woman my whole life and she turned out to be a lesbian. So now I've got myself all psyched out, you know, and it's become, like this, this thing and I. . . Well, you just must think I'm weird.
Rachel Green: No, no, no, no I don't think it's weird, I think, I think umm, in fact, in fact you know what I think?
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: I think it's sexy.
Ross Geller: Sexy?
Rachel Green: Let me tell you something. As a woman there is nothing sexier than a man who does not want to have sex.
Ross Geller: No kidding?
Rachel Green: Oh yeah. In fact you know what I'd do?
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: I'd wait.
Ross Geller: You'd wait?
Rachel Green: Yes, absolutely. I would wait and wait. . . then I'd wait some more.
Ross Geller: Really?
Rachel Green: Oh yeah, I don't care how much she tells you she wants it, I don't care if begs, she pleads, she tells you she, she's gonna have sex with, with another man. That just means it's working.
Ross Geller: Women really want this?
Rachel Green: More than jewelry.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi.
Duncan: Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: Ta-da.
Duncan: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi.
Duncan: Ahh, look at you, you look great.
Phoebe Buffay: Do I? Thank you, so do you.
Duncan: Thanks.
Phoebe Buffay: Sparkly. So, wow, this is pretty wonerful, huh. Mr. major capades guy. I, I remember when you were just, like, King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice is Nice.
Duncan: You always said I'd make it.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, well, ya know, I'm kind of spooky that way. Wooo.
Duncan: I missed you. I'm gonna get changed.
Phoebe Buffay: OK.
Duncan: Um, now. Phoebs.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, right, OK. Ole.
Duncan: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Um, the matador. Ole, ha ha ha.
Ross Geller: Julie, can you hold this for a second, thanks.
Chandler Bing: Uh, Julie.
Julie: Yeah?
Chandler Bing: Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright.
Ross Geller: Hi everyone.
Everyone: Hi.
Ross Geller: I just, I wanted to thank you for our uh, our little talk before.
Rachel Green: Oh, God, no problem. So you're gonna go with the uh, waiting thing?
Ross Geller: Well, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to Joey.
Rachel Green: What did, what did he say?
Ross Geller: Basically he told me to get over myself and just do it, ya know. So I though about what you said and I though about what he said and, well, his way I get to have sex tonight so. . .
Chandler Bing: What's this in my pocket? Why it's Joey's porno movie.
Ross Geller: Pop it in.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled with two nippled people.
Rachel Green: Great, people having sex, that's just what I need to see.
Ross Geller: What's wrong with people having sex?
Rachel Green: Well, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women and females. And uh, and the lighting's always unflattering. And, Monica help me out here.
Monica Geller: Hell, I wanna see Joey.
Julie: So is there like a story or do they just stard doing it right. . . oh, never mind.
Chandler Bing: OK, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.
Monica Geller: All I say is, she better get the job.
Ross Geller: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.
Joey Tribbiani: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do. . . so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, you know that's bad fo r the paper tray.
Chandler Bing: Nice work my friend.
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . .
Phoebe Buffay: So um, so what's up, you came to see me yesterday.
Duncan: Oh, yeah, um, alright, I kinda need a divorce.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh. . .K. How come?
Duncan: Umm, actually, I'm getting married again.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Duncan: Oh God, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm straight.
Phoebe Buffay: Huuh.
Duncan: Yeah, I know, I.
Phoebe Buffay: I, I don't, I don't understand, how can you be straight? I mean, you're, you're so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties.
Duncan: I know, that's what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point where you can't live a lie anymore.
Phoebe Buffay: So how long have you known?
Duncan: Well I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I though I was supposed to be something else, you know, I'm an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just tryin' to fit in.
Phoebe Buffay: And um, and there's actually a, a woman?
Duncan: Her name's Debra.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you've been with?
Duncan: Well, I've never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college.
Phoebe Buffay: Sure.
Duncan: But now I know I don't have a choice about this, I was born this way.
Phoebe Buffay: I, I don't know what to say. I mean, you know, you're married to someone for six years and you think you know him and then one day says, 'Oh, I'm not gay.'
Duncan: I'm, I'm still me.
Phoebe Buffay: Why couldn't you have just figured this out six years ago?
Monica Geller: You know, it still smells like monkey in there.
Julie: That saves us a conversation.
Chandler Bing: Well, listen, this has been great but I'm officially wiped.
Joey Tribbiani: Me too, we should get goin'.
Rachel Green: No, no, I mean, no, c'mon you guys, I mean, c'mon look it's only eleven thirty. Let's just talk, we never just hang out and talk anymore.
Monica Geller: Rachel, that's all we do.
Rachel Green: Maybe that's all we do, what about Julie?
Julie: What about Julie?
Rachel Green: Well, you have been in our lives for nearly two months now and we don't really know you. I mean, who is Julie? I mean, what do you like, what don't you like? We wanna hear everything.
Julie: Well, that could take a while.
Rachel Green: So. I mean, who here does not have the time to get to know Julie?
Chandler Bing: I got the time to get to know Julie.
Joey Tribbiani: I got time.
Monica Geller: Rach, I know her pretty well, can I go? That's fine.
Rachel Green: OK Julie, so now let's start with your childhood, what was that like?
Julie: Well, in a nutshell. . .
Rachel Green: Nah, uh, uh, uh, uh.
Phoebe Buffay: So, um, have you told your parents?
Duncan: No, but it'll be OK, they're pretty cool, my brother's straight so. . .
Phoebe Buffay: Here you go. You know what, I just have one more question, um, if you had figured this out sooner and um, I had been around, do you think that I would have been the one who. . . no, um, I'm sorry, don't tell me, I don't th ink either answer would make me feel better.
Duncan: I love you Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: So your brother's straigh huh? Seriously.
Julie: And my second grade teacher was Ms. Thomas, and my first grade teacher was Mrs. Cobb.
Rachel Green: Mrs., Mrs. Gobb?
Julie: No Cobb, as in cobb salad.
Rachel Green: Now, what exactly is in a cobb salad?
Chandler Bing: I'm goin' home.
Rachel Green: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Boy that Julie's a talker, huh?
Ross Geller: Goodnight.
Rachel Green: So, it's pretty late, you're probably uh, not still planning on. . .
Ross Geller: Oh, no no, I am.
Rachel Green: Oh, well, are hey, are you nervous?
Ross Geller: Um, no, I uh, I have done it before.
Rachel Green: Uh, OK, I mean uh, what, how are you gonna handle it. I mean, are, are ya gonna, are ya gonna talk about it before hand, are you just gonna pounce?
Ross Geller: I uh, I don't know, I guess I'm just gonna see, see what happens.
Rachel Green: OK, gook luck.
Ross Geller: Wha, uhh, what?
Rachel Green: Nothing, I mean, um, it is your first time with her and, you know if the first time doesn't go well, well then that's, that's pretty darn hard to recover from.
Ross Geller: OK, now I'm nervous.
Rachel Green: Maybe you should put it off.
Ross Geller: No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, ya know, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just, I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya know.
Rachel Green: I know, yeah, sorry.
Ross Geller: What, it's not your fault.
Rachel Green: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.
Ross Geller: Really?
Rachel Green: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to happen.
Ross Geller: Uh-huh.
Rachel Green: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening.
Ross Geller: Ohh. . . Thanks Rach, goodnight.
Rachel Green: Ohh, God.
Ross Geller: Good morning.
Old Woman: Well, somebody got some last night.
Ross Geller: Twice.


Ross Geller: Man, I sure miss Julie.
Chandler Bing: Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets wrestling. Julie. Ok, yes, I see how you got there.
Ross Geller: You ever figure out what that thing's for?
Chandler Bing: No, see, I'm trying this new screening thing. You know, I figure if I'm always answering the phone, people'll think I don't have a life. My god, Rodrigo never gets pinned.
Joey Tribbiani: Here comes the beep, you know what to do.
Jade: Hello, I'm looking for Bob. This is Jane. I don't know if you're still at this number, but I was just thinking about us, and how great it was, and, well, I know it's been three years, but, I was kinda hoping we could hook up again. I barely had t he nerve to make this call, so you know what I did?
Chandler Bing: What?
Jade: I got a little drunk...and naked.
Chandler Bing: Bob here.
Chandler Bing: What've you been up to?
Jade: Oh, you know, the usual, teaching aerobics, partying way too much. Oh, and in case you were wondering, those are my legs on the new James Bond poster.
Chandler Bing: Can you hold on a moment? I have another call. I love her.
Ross Geller: I know.
Chandler Bing: I'm back.
Jade: So, are we gonna get together or what?
Chandler Bing: Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bout tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh, Central Perk in the Village, say, five-ish?
Jade: Great, I'll see you then.
Chandler Bing: Ok. Ok. Having a phone has finally paid off.
Ross Geller: Even though you do do a good Bob impression, I'm thinkin' when she sees you tomorow, she's probably gonna realize, "hey, you're not Bob."
Chandler Bing: I'm hoping that when Bob doesn't show up, she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table.
Ross Geller: Oh my god. You are pure evil.
Chandler Bing: Ok, pure evil, horny and alone. I've done this.
Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah, everybody's here. Hey, everybody, say hi to Julie in New Mexico.
Everyone: Hi, Julie!
Rachel Green: Hi, Julie.
Chandler Bing: Ok, while Ross is on the phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday.
Phoebe Buffay: Um, is, is there any chance that you're rounding up? You know, like from, like 20?
Chandler Bing: Hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert, and the cake.
Joey Tribbiani: Do we need a cake?
Chandler Bing: Look guys, I know it's a little steep.
Rachel Green: Yeah, whoosh!
Chandler Bing: But it's Ross.
Phoebe Buffay: It's Ross.
Joey Tribbiani: All right.
Chandler Bing: I'll see you guys later, I gotta go...do a thing.
Ross Geller: Ok, sweetheart, I'll call you later tonight. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, you're not really gonna go through with this, are you?
Chandler Bing: You know, I think I might just.
Rachel Green: So uh, what are you guys doing for dinner tonight?
Joey Tribbiani: Well I guess I gotta start savin' up for Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll just stay home and eat dust bunnies.
Phoebe Buffay: Can you believe how much this is gonna cost?
Rachel Green: Do you guys ever get the feeling that um, Chandler and those guys just don't get that we don't make as much money as they do?
Joey Tribbiani: Yes! Yeah, it's like they're always saying "let's go here, let's go there". Like we can afford to go here and there.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, yes, and it's, and we always have to go to, you know, someplace nice, you know? God, and it's not like we can say anything about it, 'cause, like this birthday thing, it's for Ross.
Joey Tribbiani: For Ross.
Rachel Green: For Ross, Ross, Ross.
Monica Geller: Oh my god.
Rachel Green: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hi.
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller: I'm at work, ordinary day, you know, chop chop chop, sauti, sauti, sauti. All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office. It turns out they fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job.
Joey Tribbiani: If it's not you, this is a horrible story.
Monica Geller: Fortunately, it is me. And, they made me head of purchasing, thank you very much. Anyway, I just ran into Ross and Chandler downstairs, and they think we should go out and celebrate. You know, someplace nice.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, someplace nice. How much do you think I can get for my kidney?
Ross Geller: I'm tellin' you. You can't do this.
Chandler Bing: Oh, come on. I can never get a girl like that with conventional methods.
Ross Geller: That doesn't matter. She wanted to call Bob. Hey, for all we know, Bob is who she was meant to be with. You may be destroying two people's chance for happiness.
Chandler Bing: We don't know Bob, ok? We know me. We like me. Please let me be happy.
Ross Geller: Go over there and tell that woman the truth.
Chandler Bing: All right.
Ross Geller: Go.
Chandler Bing: Hi.
Jade: Hi.
Chandler Bing: Listen, I have to, uh, um, I have to, I have to confess something.
Jade: Yes?
Chandler Bing: Whoever stood you up is a jerk.
Jade: How did you-?
Chandler Bing: I don't know. I just had this weird sense. You know, but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue?
Jade: Thanks.
Chandler Bing: No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today.
Ross Geller: Ok, ok, here is to my sister, the newly-appointed head lunch chef-
Monica Geller: Who is also in charge of purchasing.
Ross Geller: Newly appointed head lunch chef who is also in charge of purchasing-
Monica Geller: Who has her own little desk when Roland's not there.
Ross Geller: Uh, lunch chef, purchasing, own little desk when Roland's not there. Here's to my little sister-
Monica Geller: Oh, wait, and I got a beeper!
Joey Tribbiani: Cool.
Phoebe Buffay: Let's see!
Ross Geller: That's fine, I'll just wait!
Monica Geller: Oh, sorry.
Joey Tribbiani: Sorry, sorry.
Ross Geller: Monica!
Waiter: Are we ready to order?
Rachel Green: Oh, you know what, we haven't even looked yet.
Waiter: Well, when you do, just let me know. I'll be right over there on the edge of my seat.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow, look at these prices.
Rachel Green: Yeah, these are pretty ch-ching.
Joey Tribbiani: What are these, like famous chickens?
Chandler Bing: Hey, sorry I'm late. Congratulations, Mon. I'm not sorry I'm late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade?
Ross Geller: Well, pretty incredible according to the message she left you on my machine. Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?
Chandler Bing: Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number because she thinks that my number is Bob's number.
Ross Geller: Hey, tell me again, what do I do when Mr. Roper calls?
Waiter: Do I dare ask?
Monica Geller: Yes, I will start with the carpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled prawns.
Ross Geller: That sounds great. Same for me.
Waiter: And for the gentleman?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper?
Waiter: You'd think, wouldn't you? Miss?
Rachel Green: Ok, I will have the uh, side salad.
Waiter: And what will that be on the side of?
Rachel Green: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?
Waiter: And for you?
Phoebe Buffay: Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, and, um, take care.
Chandler Bing: I will have the uh, Cajun catfish.
Waiter: Anything else?
Chandler Bing: Yes, how 'bout a verse of Killing Me Softly. You're gonna sneeze on my fish, aren't you?
Ross Geller: Plus tip, divided by six. Ok, everyone owes 28 bucks.
Rachel Green: Um, everyone?
Ross Geller: Oh, you're right, I'm sorry.
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you.
Ross Geller: Monica's big night, she shouldn't pay.
Monica Geller: Oh, thank you!
Ross Geller: So five of us is, $33.50 apiece.
Phoebe Buffay: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.
Chandler Bing: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, Monica, I'm really happy you got promoted, but cold cucumber mush for thirty-something bucks? No! Rachel just had that, that, that salad, and, and Joey with his like teeny pizza! It's just...
Ross Geller: Ok, Pheebs! How 'bout we'll each just pay for what we had. It's no big deal.
Phoebe Buffay: Not for you.
Monica Geller: All right, what's goin' on?
Rachel Green: Ok, look you guys, I really don't want to get into this right now. I think it'll just make everyone uncomfortable.
Phoebe Buffay: Fine. All right, fine.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: You can tell us.
Ross Geller: Hello, it's us, all right? It'll be fine.
Joey Tribbiani: Ok, um, uh, we three feel like, that uh, sometimes you guys don't get that uh, we don't have as much money as you.
Monica Geller: Ok.
Ross Geller: I hear ya.
Chandler Bing: We can talk about that.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, then...Let's.
Ross Geller: I, I just never think of money as an issue.
Rachel Green: That's 'cause you have it.
Ross Geller: That's a good point.
Chandler Bing: So um, how come you guys haven't talked about this before?
Joey Tribbiani: 'Cause it's always somethin', you know, like Monica's new job, or the whole Ross's birthday hoopla.
Ross Geller: Wha-? Whoa, hey, I don't want my birthday to be the source of any kind of negative-there's gonna be a hoopla?
Rachel Green: Basically, there's the thing, and then there's the stuff after the thing.
Monica Geller: If it makes anybody feel better, then we can just forget the thing, and we'll just do the gift.
Ross Geller: G-gift? The thing's not the gift?
Chandler Bing: No, the thing was, we were gonna go see Hootie and the Blowfish.
Ross Geller: Hootie and the-oh my. I, I can catch them on the radio.
Phoebe Buffay: No, now I feel bad. You wanna go to the concert.
Ross Geller: No, look, hey, it's my birthday, and the important thing is that we all be together.
Monica Geller: All of us.
Chandler Bing: Together.
Ross Geller: Not at the concert.
Rachel Green: Ok.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: So, the ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh?
Chandler Bing: Gee, Monica, what's in the bag?
Monica Geller: I don't know, Chandler. Let's take a look.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's like a skit.
Monica Geller: Why, it's dinner for six. 5 steaks, and an eggplant for Phoebe.
Ross Geller: Whoo!
Phoebe Buffay: Cool.
Monica Geller: Yeah, we switched meat suppliers at work, and the new guys gave me the steaks as sort of a thank-you.
Ross Geller: But wait, there's more. Hey, Chandler, what is in the envelope?
Chandler Bing: By the way, this didn't seem so dorky in the hall.
Ross Geller: Come on.
Chandler Bing: Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish! The Blowfish!
Monica Geller: It's on us, all right, so don't worry. It's our treat.
Phoebe Buffay: So...Thank you.
Ross Geller: Could you be less enthused?
Joey Tribbiani: Look, it's a nice gesture, it is. But it just feels like-
Monica Geller: Like?
Joey Tribbiani: Charity.
Monica Geller: Charity?
Ross Geller: We're just tryin' to do a nice thing here.
Rachel Green: Ross, you have to understand that your nice thing makes us feel this big.
Phoebe Buffay: Actually, it makes us feel that big.
Ross Geller: I don't, I don't understand. I mean, you, it's like we can't win with you guys.
Chandler Bing: If you guys feel this big, maybe that's not our fault. Maybe that's just how you feel.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, now you're tellin' us how you feel.
Rachel Green: Ok, we never shoulda talked about this.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now.
Rachel Green: Me neither.
Joey Tribbiani: Me too.
Monica Geller: Guys, we bought the tickets.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.
Chandler Bing: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Monica Geller: Well, I guess now we can't go.
Rachel Green: What? Come on, you do what you want to do. Do we always have to do everything together?
Monica Geller: You know what? You're right.
Phoebe Buffay: Fine.
Ross Geller: Fine.
Joey Tribbiani: Fine.
Chandler Bing: Fine.
Rachel Green: Fine.
Monica Geller: All right. We're gonna go. It's not for another six hours. We're gonna go then.
Ross Geller: Chandler!
Chandler Bing: Yeah?
Ross Geller: Geez! Are you ready?
Chandler Bing: Yeah. Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today.
Ross Geller: Whoa! You had sex today?
Chandler Bing: Wow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it. I was awesome, ok? She was biting her lip to stop from screaming.
Ross Geller: Wow.
Chandler Bing: Now I know it's been awhile, but I took it as a good sign.
Ross Geller: Still doing the screening thing?
Chandler Bing: I had sex today. I never have to answer that phone again.
Machine: Here comes the beep, you know what to do.
Jade: Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I was really hurt when you didn't show up the other day, and just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy.
Chandler Bing: Bob here.
Jade: Oh, hi.
Chandler Bing: So, uh, you met someone, huh?
Jade: Yes, yes, I did. In fact, I had sex with him 2 hours ago.
Chandler Bing: So, uh, how was he?
Jade: Eh.
Chandler Bing: Eh?
Jade: Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you. I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name.
Chandler Bing: Well, that makes me feel so good.
Jade: It was just so awkward and bumpy.
Ross Geller: Bumpy?
Chandler Bing: Well, maybe he had some kind of uh, new, cool style, that you're not familiar with. And uh maybe you have to get used to it.
Jade: Well there really wasn't much time to get used to it, you know what I mean?
Monica Geller: You know what? I'm not gonna be able to enjoy this.
Ross Geller: Yeah, I know, it's my birthday. We all should be here.
Chandler Bing: So, let's go.
Ross Geller: Well maybe, you know, maybe we should stay for one song.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I mean, it would be rude to them for us to leave now.
Monica Geller: You know, the guys are probably having a great time.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on you guys, one more time.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok. One.
Joey Tribbiani: Nooo.
Monica Geller: That was amazing!
Ross Geller: Excellent, that was excellent.
Chandler Bing: I can't believe the guys missed this.
Ross Geller: What guys? Oh, yeah.
Steven Fisher: Excuse me, you're Monica Geller aren't you?
Monica Geller: Do I know you?
Steven Fisher: You used to be my babysitter.
Monica Geller: Oh my god, little Stevie Fisher? How've you been?
Steven Fisher: Good, good, I'm a lawyer now.
Monica Geller: You can't be a lawyer. You're eight.
Steven Fisher: Listen, it was nice to see you. I gotta run backstage.
Monica Geller: Uh, wait, backstage?
Steven Fisher: Oh, yeah, my firm represents the band.
Ross Geller: Ross.
Chandler Bing: Chandler.
Steven Fisher: How are you? Look, you guys wanna meet the group? Come on. So, are you one of the ones who fooled around with my dad?
Ross Geller: Hey, you guys.
Rachel Green: Happy birthday.
Ross Geller: Oh, thank you, thanks. So uh, how was your night last night?
Rachel Green: Oh, well, it pretty much sucked. How was yours?
Monica Geller: Yeah, ours pretty much sucked, oh, but, I did run into little Stevie Fisher. Remember him?
Rachel Green: Oh yeah. I used to babysit him. Hey, how's his dad?
Monica Geller: Uh, good.
Ross Geller: Uh, aside from that, the whole evening was pretty much a bust.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, we really missed you guys.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, look, we were just saying, this whole thing is really stupid.
Phoebe Buffay: We just have to really, really, really, not let stuff like money get-is that a hickey?
Monica Geller: No, I just, I fell down.
Rachel Green: On someone's lips? Where'd you get the hickey?
Monica Geller: You know, a party, or-
Rachel Green: What party?
Ross Geller: It wasn't so much a party as...a gathering of people, with food, and music, and, and the band.
Joey Tribbiani: You partied with Hootie and the Blowfish?
Chandler Bing: Yes, apparently Stevie and the band are like this.
Rachel Green: Who gave you that hickey?
Monica Geller: That would be the work of a Blowfish.
Rachel Green: Oh!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! I can't believe it. I can't believe this. We're just like, sitting at home, trying to guess Joey's fingers, and you guys are out like partying and having fun, and you know, all, "hey, Blowfish, suck on my neck".
Ross Geller: Look, don't blame us. You guys coulda been there, you know.
Rachel Green: What, as part of your poor friends outreach program?
Monica Geller: It's work.
Chandler Bing: I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that we make more money than you. But we're not gonna feel guilty about it. We work really hard for it.
Joey Tribbiani: And we don't work hard?
Monica Geller: Yeah, hi, it's Monica. I just got a page.
Chandler Bing: I'm just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more.
Joey Tribbiani: And you feel like we hold you back.
Chandler Bing: Yes.
Rachel Green: Oh!
Chandler Bing: No.
Monica Geller: Leon, Leon. Shhh! Guys. Wait, I don't understand. Those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor. That was not a kick back. I'll just replace them and we can forget the whole thing. What corporate policy? No. Yeah. All right. I just got fired.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Waitress: Here's your check. That'll be $4.12.
Joey Tribbiani: Let me get that. You got five bucks?
Machine: Here comes the beep, you know what to do.
Jade: Hi, it's me. Listen, Bob. I'm probably way out of line here. I mean, It has been 3 years, and you're probably seeing someone else now, but if we could just have one night together, just for old time's sake, one hot, steamy, wild night...


Monica Geller: Who da wenny-Benny boy? You the Wenny-wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes. Don't cry. Don't cry. Why is he still crying?
Ross Geller: Let me hold him for a sec. There. Huh? There we are.
Monica Geller: Maye it's me.
Ross Geller: Don't be silly. Ben loves you. He's just being Mr. Crankypants.
Chandler Bing: You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody.
Ross Geller: There we go. All better.
Monica Geller: There's my little boy.
Chandler Bing: Can I uh see something?
Joey Tribbiani: Cool.
Monica Geller: He hates me. My nephew hates me.
Ross Geller: Come on, don't do this.
Monica Geller: What if my own baby hates me? Huh? What am I gonna do then?
Chandler Bing: Monica, will you stop? This is nuts. Do you know how long it's gonna be before you actually have to deal with this problem? I mean, you don't even have a boyfriend yet. Joey, she does not look fat.
Joey Tribbiani: Goo, goo, goo, waaah!
Monica Geller: That is so funny. Let me see that.
Joey Tribbiani: Are you ok, Ross?
Ross Geller: I don't know. What's in this pie?
Monica Geller: Uh, I don't know, butter, eggs, flour, lime, kiwi-
Ross Geller: Kiwi? Kiwi? I thought it was a key lime pie.
Monica Geller: No I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it so special.
Ross Geller: And that's what's gonna kill me. I'm allergic to kiwi.
Monica Geller: No you're not. You're, you're allergic to lobster and peanuts and-oh my god.
Ross Geller: Ugh.
Monica Geller: Oh my god.
Ross Geller: Ugh. It's definitely getting worse.
Monica Geller: Is your tongue swelling up?
Ross Geller: Either that or my mouth is getting smaller.
Monica Geller: All right, get your coat, we're going to the hospital.
Joey Tribbiani: Is he gonna be ok?
Monica Geller: Yeah, he's just gotta get a shot.
Ross Geller: You know, you know, actually it's getting better. It is. It is. Let's not go. Anyone for Thcrabble?
Monica Geller: Jacket now.
Ross Geller: What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to a hospital.
Chandler Bing: We'll watch him.
Ross Geller: I don't think tho.
Joey Tribbiani: What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids. Come on, we wanna do it, don't we?
Chandler Bing: I was looking forward to playing basketball, but I guess that's out the window.
Ross Geller: Ok, well, if you do take him out for his walk, you might wanna bring his hat, and there's extra milk in the fridge, and there's extra diapers in the bag.
Joey Tribbiani: Hat, milk, got it.
Ross Geller: ??? Thro up a thro thro-a thro thro!
Joey Tribbiani: Consider it done.
Chandler Bing: You understood that?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue.
Chandler Bing: Is he the one with the beautiful wife?
Phoebe Buffay: Hey Rach, wanna hear the new song I'm thinkin' of singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.
Rachel Green: Ok.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.
Terry: Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see ya for a minute?
Rachel Green: What's up?
Terry: F.Y.I.. I've decided to pay a professional musician to play in here on Sunday afternoons. Her name is Stephanie... something. She's supposed to be very good.
Rachel Green: But what about Phoebe?
Terry: Rachel, it's not that your friend is bad, it's that she's so bad, she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.
Rachel Green: Ok, ok, so you're not a fan, but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to her.
Terry: Uh-
Rachel Green: Oh, no no no no. Oh no no no no. I have to do this to her?
Phoebe Buffay: Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, as needed.
Chandler Bing: You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?
Joey Tribbiani: It's gonna be worth it. It's a known fact that women love babies, all righ? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack o' babes over there. Maybe one of them will break away. No, no wait, for get them, we got one, hard left. All right, gimme the baby.
Chandler Bing: No, I got him.
Joey Tribbiani: No, seriously.
Chandler Bing: Oh, seriously you want him?
Caroline: Hello.
Caroline: And who is this little cutie pie?
Chandler Bing: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?
Joey Tribbiani: You wanna smell him?
Caroline: I assume we're talking about the baby now.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell. Get a whiff of his head.
Caroline: I think my uterus just skipped a beat.
Joey Tribbiani: What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?
Caroline: I think it's great you guys are doing this.
Chandler Bing: Well, we are great guys.
Caroline: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through?
Phoebe Buffay: But, but this is my gig. This is where I play. My, my name is written out there in chalk. You know, you can't just erase chalk.
Rachel Green: Honey, I'm sorry.
Phoebe Buffay: And he's going to be paying this woman? Why doesn't he just give her like a throne, and a crown, and like a, you know, gold stick with a ball on top.
Rachel Green: Terry is a jerk, ok? That's why we're always saying "Terry's a jerk!" That's where that came from.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, ok. You probably did everything you could.
Rachel Green: Ok, you know what, lemme, let me just see what else I can do. All right, look, look. Why don't you just let her go on after Stephanie whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't even be here. You don't pay her. It's not gonna cost you anything.
Terry: I, I don't know.
Rachel Green: Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine.
Terry: You don't clean the cappuccino machine?
Rachel Green: Of course I clean it. I mean, I,I will cleeeean it. I mean, I will cleeeean it.
Terry: Oh, all right, fine, fine, fine.
Rachel Green: Done.
Phoebe Buffay: Really?
Rachel Green: Yeah. Who's workin' for you babe?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Oh my god. This is so exciting. How much am I gonna get?
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Well you said that he's paying the people who are playing.
Rachel Green: Oh, no, no no. I meant that he's gonna be paying that other woman beause she's a professional.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm not gonna be the only one who's not getting paid.
Rachel Green: Well, but Pheebs.
Phoebe Buffay: No, huh uh, I'm sorry, no. No, I'm not some like sloppy second, charity band. You know what, there are thousands of places in this city where people would be happy to pay to hear me play. When I play, I play for me, I don't need your charity. Thank you! La la la la la la la...
Ross Geller: Well, there's no way I'm gonna get a shot. Maybe they can take the needle and thquirt it into my mouth, you know, like a thquirt gun.
Doctor: Hello, there. I'm Dr. Carlin. I see someone's having an allergic reaction.
Monica Geller: Doctor, can I see you for just a minute please? My brother has a slight phobia about needles.
Ross Geller: Did you tell him about my thquirt gun idea?
Monica Geller: My brother, the PhD would like to know if there's any way to treat this orally.
Doctor: No, under these circumstances it has to be an injection, and it has to be now.
Ross Geller: Tho?
Ross Geller: Ohhh.
Monica Geller: That's good, have a seat. Um, the doctor says it's gotta be a needle. You're just gonna have to be brave, ok? Can you do that for me?
Ross Geller: Ok.
Monica Geller: Ok. Oh boy. You are doin' so good. You wanna squeeze my hand? All right, Ross, don't squeeze it so hard. Honey, really, don't squeeze it so hard! Oh, Ross! Let go of my hand!
Chandler Bing: That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out. Taxi, taxi!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, look at that talent.
Chandler Bing: Just practicing. You're good. Carry on.
Girl 1 On Bus: Hey, you. He's just adorable.
Chandler Bing: Ok, but can you tell him that, because he thinks he's too pink.
Girl 2 On Bus: So what are you guys out doing today?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh we're not out. No, no. We're just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doin' the usual straight guy stuff.
Chandler Bing: You done?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Girl 1: Oh, there's our stop.
Joey Tribbiani: Get outta here. This is our stop too.
Girl 2: You guys live around here too?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the building by the uh sidewalk.
Chandler Bing: You know it?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, look, since we're neighbors and all, what do you say we uh, get together for a drink?
Girl 1: So uh, you wanna go to Marquel's?
Chandler Bing: Oh, sure, they love us over there.
Girl 2: Where's your baby?
Chandler Bing: Oh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord.
Both: Stop the bus! Wait! Wait! Wait!
Monica Geller: Are you sure he didn't break it because it really hurts.
Doctor: No, it's just a good bone bruise. And, right here is the puncture wound from your ring.
Ross Geller: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. Sorry. Sorry! Hey! Hey! I got my s's back! Which we can celebrate later. Celebrate.
Phoebe Buffay: ... with the double double double-jointed boy. Hey. So um, are you the professional guitar player?
Stephanie Schiffer: Yeah. I'm Stephanie.
Phoebe Buffay: Right. My name was on there, but now it just says "carrot cake". So, um, so um, how many chords do you know?
Stephanie Schiffer: All of them.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, so you know D?
Stephanie Schiffer: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, do you know A minor?
Stephanie Schiffer: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, do you know how to go from D to A minor?
Stephanie Schiffer: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok. Um, so does your guitar have a strap?
Stephanie Schiffer: No.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Mine does. Stephanie knows all the chords.
Chandler Bing: Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus. Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid charact er.
Joey Tribbiani: Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. He wants to talk to you again.
Rachel Green: Ok, everybody, let's give a uh nice warm Central Perk welcome to-
Phoebe Buffay: Terry's a jerk, and he won't let me work, and I hate Central Perk!
Rachel Green: Uh, to Stephanie Schiffer.
Stephanie Schiffer: Thank you. I'd like to start with a song that I wrote for the first man I ever loved. Zachary.
Phoebe Buffay: You're all invited to bite me!
Transit Authority Guy: He's here. I'm assuming one of you is the father.
Chandler Bing: That's me.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm him.
Chandler Bing: Actually, uh, we're both the father.
Both: Oh, Ben! Hey, buddy!
Chandler Bing: Please tell me you know which one is our baby.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks.
Chandler Bing: Ok.
Joey Tribbiani: Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one's definitely Ben. Remember, he had that cute little mole by his mouth.
Chandler Bing: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off.
Joey Tribbiani: Ahh!
Chandler Bing: What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.
Chandler Bing: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?
Joey Tribbiani: You got a better idea?
Chandler Bing: All right, call it in the air.
Joey Tribbiani: Heads.
Chandler Bing: Heads it is.
Joey Tribbiani: Yes! Whew!
Chandler Bing: We have to assign heads to something.
Joey Tribbiani: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.
Chandler Bing: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?
Rachel Green: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hi.
Rachel Green: Here. I thought you might be cold.
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you.
Rachel Green: Whoa, look at you, you did pretty well.
Phoebe Buffay: Eight dollars and 27 cents. But not really, 'cause I put in the first two, just to, you know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself feel better.
Rachel Green: Do you?
Phoebe Buffay: No. This whole like playing-for-money thing is so not good for me. You know, I don't know, when I sang "Su-Su-Suicide", I got a dollar seventy-five. But then, "Smelly Cat", I got 25 cents and a condom. So you know, now I just feel really bad for Smelly Cat.
Rachel Green: Well, you know, honey, I don't think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then, whoosh!
Phoebe Buffay: It's not even that. I used to do my songs because it made me happy, but now it's like, it's just all about the money.
Rachel Green: Well, people missed you in there. And in fact, there was actually a request for "Smelly Cat".
Phoebe Buffay: Really? From who?
Rachel Green: Well, from me. And I know it's not your big money song, but it's my favorite.
Kid: Hi. Uh, did I accidentally drop a condom in your case? It's kind of an emergency.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Here you go.
Kid: Thanks a lot. Hey Christine, I got it!
Ross Geller: I just wanna thank you for being there for me today. And I'm sorry I,I almost broke your hand.
Monica Geller: That's ok. I'm sorry I poisoned you.
Ross Geller: Yeah. Hey, remember the time I jammed that pencil into your hand?
Monica Geller: Remember it? What do you think this is, a freckle?
Ross Geller: Oh.
Monica Geller: Wait, what about the time I hit you in the face with the Silvian's pumpkin?
Ross Geller: Oh, man. Oh, remember when I stuck that broom in your bike spokes, and you flipped over and hit your head on the curb?
Monica Geller: No. But I remember people telling me about it.
Ross Geller: I hope Ben has a little sister.
Monica Geller: Yeah. I hope she can kick his ass.
Ross Geller: I'm gonna get a new band-aid. Hey, how 'bout the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken?
Monica Geller: That was you?
Ross Geller: They, uh, were infected. He wouldn't have made it.
Monica Geller: Aw, my little nephew. Come here, little one. There's my little baby Ben. Hey, my little boy. Hey, he's not crying.
Chandler Bing: Hey, he's not crying.
Joey Tribbiani: Yes! There's still pie.
Ross Geller: I'm here. How's my little boy? Want Daddy to change your diaper? So, did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today.
Ross Geller: Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus-Hey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt?
Chandler Bing: You, you are gonna love this.
Ross Geller: Will you hold Ben for a sec? Come here. Come here.
Chandler Bing: Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, Run!
Stephanie Schiffer: Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
Phoebe Buffay: No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's "smelly cat, smel-ly cat".
Stephanie Schiffer: Smelly cat, smel-ly cat...
Phoebe Buffay: Better. Yeah.
Stephanie Schiffer: Yeah?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, much better. And you know what, don't feel bad, because it's a hard song.
Stephanie Schiffer: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: You wanna try it again?
Stephanie Schiffer: Yeah. From the top?
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, there is no top. That's the beauty of Smelly Cat. Um, why don't you just follow me?
Stephanie Schiffer: Ok.
Phoebe Buffay: Mmmm hmmm.
Together: Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it's not your fault.
Phoebe Buffay: That's too much. Sorry.


Chandler Bing: OK, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there something. . . repellant. . . about me?
Rachel Green: So, how was the party?
Chandler Bing: Well it couldn't have been worse. A woman literally passed through me. OK, so what is it, am I hideously unattractive?
Phoebe Buffay: No, you are not, you are very attractive. You know what, I go through the exact same thing. Every time I put on a little weight, I start questioning everyting.
Chandler Bing: Woah, woah, I've put on a little weight?
Phoebe Buffay: No, not wieght... y'know, more like insulation.
Monica Geller: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. Ya wanna work out? I can remake you.
Chandler Bing: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying around time.
Monica Geller: Please.
Everyone: C'mon. Let her. Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Alright, OK, alright. But if we put on spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm goin' home.
Phoebe Buffay: Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said anything. Come here. Come here. Oh, can't make... hands... meet...
Chandler Bing: OK, let's do it. What?
Monica Geller: Nothing, just never seen you in little stretchy pants before.
Chandler Bing: And we're changing.
Monica Geller: C'mon give me five more. Five more.
Chandler Bing: No.
Monica Geller: Five more and I'll flash you.
Chandler Bing: One. . . two. . . two and a half. OK, just show me one of them.
Chandler Bing: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. . She's insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's during work. She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mail anymore.
Rachel Green: Hey Phoebs, how'd it go with Scott last night?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restraunt, ordered champagne, nice.
Joey Tribbiani: The guy still won't put out, huh?
Phoebe Buffay: Nope. Zilch, nothin', uh-uh.
Everyone: Sorry Phoebs.
Phoebe Buffay: Look, I, y'know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him a lot, y'know he's really interesting and he's really sweet and why won't he give it up?
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe he, uhh... drives his car on the other side of the road, if ya know what I mean.
Phoebe Buffay: No, whad'ya mean? He's not British.
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe he's. . . gay.
Phoebe Buffay: Oohh, um, no, I don't think that's the problem. 'Cause we went, um, dancing the other night and the way he held me so close, and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like... definitely felt something.
Rachel Green: Yeah, but how much can you tell from a look?
Phoebe Buffay: No, I felt it on my hip. You could tell.
Monica Geller: Yo, Bing. Racquetball in 15 minutes.
Chandler Bing: Joey, be a pal. Lift up my hand and smack her with it.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, oh, Rachel, don't look.
Rachel Green: What? C'mon you guys, I don't care, I have a date tonight.
Joey Tribbiani: Woah, woah, woah, you have a date?
Rachel Green: Yeah, Monica's settin' me up.
Joey Tribbiani: But uh, uh, what about uh, Ross and uh. . .?
Rachel Green: Oh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well, y'know, as much fun as that was, I've decided to opt for sanity.
Chandler Bing: So you really OK about all this?
Rachel Green: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on. He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing.
Ross Geller: Hi guys.
Everyone: Hey.
Ross Geller: Oh, Monica, I figured I'd come by tomorrow morning and pick up Fluffy's old cat toy, OK?
Monica Geller: Only if you say his full name.
Ross Geller: Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy Meowington's cat toy.
Monica Geller: Alright.
Joey Tribbiani: You're getting a cat?
Ross Geller: Uh, actually, we're getting a cat.
Rachel Green: Together?
Ross Geller: Uh huh.
Rachel Green: Both of you?
Ross Geller: Yep.
Rachel Green: Together.
Julie: Yeah, we figure it'll live with Ross half the time, and with me half the time.
Rachel Green: Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really, really, really long time.
Ross Geller: Hopefully.
Rachel Green: Well. Woah, look at that! I gotta go, I gotta date. With a man. Um, OK, you guys have a really, uh, have a really good night and you two have a, uh, have a, uh, really good cat. OK, we're not supposed to take these when we leave.
Michael: I don't know if Monica told you but this is the first date I've gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little nervous, I am.
Rachel Green: How long do cats live?
Michael: I'm sorry?
Rachel Green: Cats, how long do they live figuring you don't... y'know, throw 'em under a bus or something?
Michael: Um, maybe 15, 16 years.
Rachel Green: That's just great.
Michael: Um, cheers.
Rachel Green: Oh, right, clink.
Michael: Monica told you I was cuter that this, didn't she?
Rachel Green: Oh, no, Michael, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's just, it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as it sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend.
Michael: Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh.
Rachel Green: I mean he just started going out with her.
Michael: Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend?
Rachel Green: Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, I'm sorry, look at me. OK, Michael, let's talk about you.
Michael: Alright.
Rachel Green: OK, OK. So, you ever get a pet with a girlfriend?
Phoebe Buffay: So, I figured it out.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough.
Joey Tribbiani: Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said, "Excellent butt, great rack."
Phoebe Buffay: Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended but, sweet.
Joey Tribbiani: Phoebs look, if you want to know what the deal is, you're just gonna have to ask him.
Phoebe Buffay: You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yumm.
Rachel Green: I mean, it's a cat, y'know, it's a cat. Why can't they get one of those bugs, y'know, one of those fruitflies, those things that live for like a day or something? What're they called, what're they called, what're they called?
Michael: Fruitflies?
Rachel Green: Yes! Thank you.
Waiter: So, would you like any dessert?
Michael: No! No dessert, just a check, please.
Rachel Green: Oh, you're not having fun, are you?
Michael: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I've been playing the movie Diner in my head.
Rachel Green: Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a really great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and his... Julie. I just want to get over him. gosh, why can't I do that?
Michael: Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me you're gonna be fine. You just can't see it now because you haven't had any closure.
Rachel Green: Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need. God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get that?
Michael: Well, you know, there's no one way really, it's just, you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him, "I'm over you."
Rachel Green: Closure, that's what it is. Closure. Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, hel. . . woo
Guy: Hang on.
Rachel Green: Hello, excuse me.
Guy: What.
Rachel Green: Hi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one minute.
Guy: I'm talkin'!
Rachel Green: I can see that. I... just one phone call, I'll be very quick, I'll even pay for it myself. OK, you're bein' a little weird about your phone.
Guy: Alright, fine. I'll call you back.
Rachel Green: Thank you. OK. Machine. Just waiting for the beep.
Michael: Good.
Rachel Green: Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, you know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure.
Chandler Bing: No, no, no, no, no, no No. Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday.
Monica Geller: Why not?
Chandler Bing: Because it's Sunday. It's God's day.
Monica Geller: OK, if you say stop, then we stop.
Chandler Bing: OK, stop.
Monica Geller: No, c'mon, we can't stop, c'mon, we've got three more pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on board. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo Woo.
Ross Geller: Hey Rach.
Rachel Green: Ahhhh.
Ross Geller: Oh. And how was the date?
Rachel Green: Umm, I think there was a restaurant... I know there was wine. . .
Ross Geller: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toy, did Monica say. . . What? Why, why are you looking at me like that?
Rachel Green: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I, I don't remember.
Ross Geller: OK. Oh, oh, oh.
Rachel Green: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me?
Ross Geller: No, I stayed at Julie's last night.
Rachel Green: Huh.
Ross Geller: Oh, actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages?
Rachel Green: Oh yeah, go ahead.
Ross Geller: Rach, I got a message from you. Who's Michael?
Rachel Green: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . .
Ross Geller: You're over me?
Rachel Green: Ohhhhhhhh God.
Ross Geller: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me?
Rachel Green: Ohh, ohh.
Ross Geller: When, when were you... under me? Rach. Rachel do you, I mean, were you, uh. . . What?
Rachel Green: Ohh, OK, OK, OK, well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you.
Ross Geller: You've had feelings for me?
Rachel Green: Yeah, what, so? You had feelings for me first.
Ross Geller: Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you know I had... you know?
Rachel Green: Chandler told me.
Ross Geller: Chandler. When did he... when did he... when did he?
Rachel Green: When you were in China.
Ross Geller: China.
Rachel Green: Meeting Julie.
Ross Geller: Julie. Julie. That. Oh God. Julie, right. OK, I need to lie down. No, ya know, I'm gonna stand. I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna walk, I'm walkin' and I am standing. OK so you uh, and now wha... and now, now, now you're over me?
Rachel Green: Are you over me?
Ross Geller: That's, that's Julie. Ju... Julie, Julie. Hi Julie.
Julie: Hi honey, I've got a cab waiting.
Ross Geller: I'll be right down.
Rachel Green: Wait, so, you're going?
Ross Geller: Well, OK, I uh, I have to. I can't deal with this right now. I mean, I've uh, y'know, I've got a cab, I've got a girlfriend, I'm... I'm gonna go get a cat.
Rachel Green: OK, OK.
Ross Geller: Cat.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Phoebs.
Phoebe Buffay: How come you're watching a rabbi play electric guitar?
Joey Tribbiani: I can't find the remote. Thank you.
Phoebe Buffay: So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I did.
Joey Tribbiani: And?
Phoebe Buffay: And we did.
Joey Tribbiani: All right Phoebs, way to go.
Phoebe Buffay: Yay me.
Joey Tribbiani: So, so how did it happen?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I finally took your advice and asked him what was going on.
Joey Tribbiani: And what did he say?
Phoebe Buffay: He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I was gonna get all, y'know, like, 'ohh, is he gonna call me the next day' and, y'know, 'where is this going' and, ya know, blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really serious.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, so I said, "OK, relax please," y'know, I mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, y'know, it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I convinced him.
Joey Tribbiani: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea.
Phoebe Buffay: Um-hum.
Joey Tribbiani: This man is my God.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Ross Geller: I didn't get a cat.
Rachel Green: Oh, that's um, interesting.
Ross Geller: No, no it's not interesting. OK, it's very, very not interesting. In fact it's actually 100 percent completely opposite of interesting.
Rachel Green: Alright, I got it Ross.
Ross Geller: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you.
Rachel Green: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?
Ross Geller: Then you should have said something before I met her.
Rachel Green: I didn't know then. And how come you never said anything to me.
Ross Geller: There was never a good time.
Rachel Green: Right, you, you only had a year. We only hung out every night.
Ross Geller: Not, not, not every night. You know, and... and it's not like I didn't try, Rachel, but things got in the way, y'know? Like, like Italian guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Italian guys.
Rachel Green: Hey, there was one Italian guy, OK, and do you even have a point?
Ross Geller: The point is I... I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed.
Rachel Green: Yeah, what're you saying, you just sort of put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me?
Ross Geller: Hey, I've been doin' it since the ninth grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it.
Rachel Green: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross.
Ross Geller: Fine.
Rachel Green: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship.
Ross Geller: Good.
Rachel Green: Good.
Rachel Green: And ya know what, now I've got closure.
Ross Geller: Try the bottom one.
Chandler Bing: Monica, it's 6:30 in the morning. We're not working out, it's over.
Monica Geller: No way, with one pound to go, c'mon. We're workin', we're movin', we're in the zone we're groovin'.
Chandler Bing: OK, I don't, I don't mind the last pound. OK, in fact I kind of like the last pound. OK, so don't make me do anything that I'll regret.
Monica Geller: Ooh, what'cha gonna do, fat boy, huh? What?
Chandler Bing: Nothing, except tell you, uh, I think it's wonderful how much energy you have.
Monica Geller: Well, thanks.
Chandler Bing: I mean, especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work.
Monica Geller: Well, you know.
Chandler Bing: You know, I mean, you can't tell your parents you were fired because they'd be disappointed.
Monica Geller: Uh-huh.
Chandler Bing: And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to cry on.
Monica Geller: Well no, but um.
Chandler Bing: I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just getting out of bed at all.
Monica Geller: Y'know, I try to stay positive. . .
Chandler Bing: So, you feel like goin' for a run?
Monica Geller: Alright.
Chandler Bing: Because, you know, you don't have to. If you want, you could just take a nap right here.
Monica Geller: OK. Just for a little while.
Chandler Bing: OK.


Rachel Green: Ross kissed me.
Monica Geller: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
Rachel Green: It was unbelievable!
Monica Geller: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, all right. We want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues?
Rachel Green: Oh, it ended very well.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Monica Geller: Do not start without me. Do not start without me.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?
Rachel Green: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And then, oh, god, and then we just sort of sunk into it.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was his hand like on your back?
Rachel Green: No, actually first they started on my waist. And then, they slid up, and then, they were in my hair.
Ross Geller: And, uh, and then I kissed her.
Joey Tribbiani: Tongue?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Cool.
Chandler Bing: All right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?
Chandler Bing: Games and stuff.
Monica Geller: There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.
Joey Tribbiani: Wait, here's one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked?
Monica Geller: There's an ad for a naked chef?
Joey Tribbiani: No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked. And then...
Ross Geller: Hi.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, oh, so, um...how'd you make out last night?
Ross Geller: That, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait. Wait, yeah, that's just painful
Monica Geller: Wait a minute. I thought last night was great.
Ross Geller: Yeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and who cares about me, and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away?
Joey Tribbiani: You got all that from saline solution?
Monica Geller: We are talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel.
Ross Geller: Believe me, I've been dreaming about me and Rachel for ten years now. But now, I'm with Julie, so it's like me and Julie, me and Rachel, me and Julie, me and... ... Rachel. Rachel, Rachel.
Rachel Green: Hey, you.
Ross Geller: How are you?
Rachel Green: Good. How are you?
Ross Geller: Good.
Julie: Hi, honey.
Ross Geller: Hi, Julie. Hi, Julie. Julie, um, how are you?
Julie: Good.
Ross Geller: Good, so everybody's here. Everybody's good. So, were you gonna play something, Phoebe?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well, actually.
Ross Geller: Play it.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, all right.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses.
Julie: What?
Ross Geller: Ssshh.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so, um, this is a song about a love triangle between three people that I made up. Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night".
Phoebe Buffay: There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call Ju...Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide!
Mr. Ratstatter: This is a nice resume. Nice, nice, nice. Muy impressivo.
Monica Geller: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job entail? The ad wasn't too clear.
Mr. Ratstatter: Mockolate.
Monica Geller: I'm sorry?
Mr. Ratstatter: Mockolate. It's a completely synthetic chocolate substitute.
Monica Geller: Ohh.
Mr. Ratstatter: Go ahead. Try a piece. Yeah, we think that Mockolate is even better than chocolate.
Monica Geller: All right. Mmm-mmm.
Mr. Ratstatter: Yeah?
Monica Geller: I love how it crumbles. Now see, your chocolate doesn't do that.
Mr. Ratstatter: No, ma'am. Well, anyhoo, we should be getting our F.D.A. approval any day now, hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving. See, the way we look at it, chocolate already dominates most of your major food-preparation holidays: Easter, Christmas, what have you.
Monica Geller: Mmm-mmm.
Mr. Ratstatter: But, we're thinking, given the right marketing, we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday.
Monica Geller: Wow.
Mr. Ratstatter: Aren't you going to swallow that?
Monica Geller: Just waiting for it to stop bubbling.
Mr. Ratstatter: Yeah, isn't that great?
Monica Geller: Mmm.
Mr. Ratstatter: Well, anyhoo, um, we are looking for a couple of chefs who can create some Thanksgiving-themed recipes. You think you might be interested?
Monica Geller: Abso... ...lutely. See, I love creating new recipes. I love Thanksgiving. And, well, now, I love Mockolate.
Mr. Ratstatter: Really?
Monica Geller: Especially the after taste, you know, I'll tell ya, that'll last ya till Christmas.
Monica Geller: How about Mockolate mousse?
Phoebe Buffay: It's not, it's not very Thanksgiving-y.
Monica Geller: Ok, how about pilgrim Mockolate mousse?
Phoebe Buffay: What makes it pilgrim?
Monica Geller: We'll put buckles on it.
Rachel Green: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey.
Rachel Green: Did uh, Ross call?
Monica Geller: No, I'm sorry.
Rachel Green: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Julie, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she's going to be all, "Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me, and we're gonna to get married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff together."
Phoebe Buffay: No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.
Ross Geller: I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.
Chandler Bing: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, here's a thought, Ross.
Chandler Bing: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer.
Joey Tribbiani: Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome.
Chandler Bing: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column.
Ross Geller: Can't we just use a pen?
Chandler Bing: No, Amish boy.
Joey Tribbiani: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. All right, Rachel first.
Ross Geller: I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.
Joey Tribbiani: You could say that.
Ross Geller: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're both paleontologists, but Rachel's just a waitress.
Chandler Bing: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else?
Ross Geller: I don't know.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.
Chandler Bing: Ok, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?
Ross Geller: She's not Rachel.
Monica Geller: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served.
Rachel Green: Oh my god.
Monica Geller: Oh my god good?
Rachel Green: Oh my god, I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, oh sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like!
Chandler Bing: I'm telling you this thing won't print. Yes, I pressed that button like 100 times. You know, for a hot line you are not so hot. What? What is that in the background? Are you watching Star Trek?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, so how'd it go with Julie? Did you, did you break her heart?
Ross Geller: Yes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried. She threw things, they hit me. Anyway, I did the right thing.
Chandler Bing: So, Spock actually hugs his father?
Rachel Green: Hey, do you guys have... ...hi.
Ross Geller: Hi.
Rachel Green: Where you goin'?
Ross Geller: I uh, I just got back from uh, from Julie's.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Ross Geller: No, no, uh, it's not what you think. It's um the other thing.
Rachel Green: Well, what's the other thing, what do I think?
Ross Geller: Well, uh.
Joey Tribbiani: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for god's sakes.
Rachel Green: Really?
Ross Geller: Really. It's always been you, Rach.
Rachel Green: Oh, god.
Rachel Green: Oh, oh, this is good, this is really good.
Ross Geller: I know, I know, it's, it's almost... What do you say we go take a walk, just us, not them?
Rachel Green: Let me get my coat.
Ross Geller: Ok. No, hey, whoa, whoa, I'll get your coat.
Rachel Green: Ok, he's goin' to get my coat. He's goin' to get my coat. Oh my god, you guys. I can't believe this. This is unbelievable. What's that?
Chandler Bing: What? Nothing.
Rachel Green: What's that? What? I saw my name. What is it?
Chandler Bing: No, no, see? See? Hey, it's printing. Hey, it's printing!
Rachel Green: Well what is it? Let me see.
Ross Geller: Hey, someone order a coat?
Rachel Green: Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see.
Ross Geller: He won't? He won't! Because, isn't that, isn't that the, the short story you were writing?
Chandler Bing: Yes, yes it is, short story, that I was writing.
Rachel Green: And I'm in it? Then let me read it.
Rachel Green: Come on.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, uh, why don't you read it to her?
Chandler Bing: Alright. "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end."
Ross Geller: That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world.
Rachel Green: All right, you know what? This isn't funny anymore. There's something about me on that piece of paper and I want to see it.
Ross Geller: No, you don't.
Rachel Green: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it.
Rachel Green: What is this? Ross, what is this?
Chandler Bing: Good luck.
Ross Geller: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am about you, ok?
Rachel Green: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled?
Ross Geller: Now that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little", the idiot.
Rachel Green: Just a waitress?
Ross Geller: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Rach?
Rachel Green: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles!
Ross Geller: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column.
Rachel Green: She is not Rachem. What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress.
Ross Geller: No, Rach, come on. Rach! Rach, no, no! She's not Rachel, she is, she is not, Ra-Rachel?
Chandler Bing: My diary! My diary, that's brilliant. I should have told her it was my diary, she never would have made me read her my diary.
Monica Geller: You know, that's true. You'd be a great person to have around the day after an emergency.
Phoebe Buffay: I... I cannot believe Ross even made this list. What a dinkus.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler's idea.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Monica Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: Oh good, I was hoping that would come up.
Monica Geller: This was your idea?
Phoebe Buffay: What were you thinking?
Chandler Bing: All right, let's get some perspective here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason.
Monica Geller: Yeah. You!
Chandler Bing: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don't you?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.
Ross Geller: Rach! Whoops! Rach, hey, open up, please!
Rachel Green: When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means go away. That doesn't mean please climb up the fire escape.
Ross Geller: I just wanna read something. It's your pro list.
Rachel Green: Not interested.
Ross Geller: Ok, ok, number one: The way you cry at game shows. Number two: how much you love your friends. Number three: the way you play with your hair when you're nervous. Number four: how brave you are for starting your life over. Number five: how great you are with Ben.
Ross Geller: Number six: the way you smell.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Ross! What are you doin'?
Ross Geller: Hey, Joey. You wanna open the window?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah, I do.
Chandler Bing: What are you doing out there?
Ross Geller: I am, uh, I am...
Monica Geller: Oh, you must be freezing. You know what you need? How about a nice steaming cup of hot Mockolate?
Ross Geller: Rach, come on, open up. Rach, come on, come on, Rach. You got to give me another chance.
Rachel Green: No.
Ross Geller: No?
Rachel Green: That's what I said.
Chandler Bing: Look, maybe we should go?
Rachel Green: No, you guys, you really don't have to go, we're done talking.
Ross Geller: Rach, come on, look, I know how you must feel.
Rachel Green: No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.
Ross Geller: No, but, but I wanna be with you in spite of all those things.
Rachel Green: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Ross. I said don't go!
Ross Geller: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you.
Rachel Green: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list.
Joey Tribbiani: I never know how long you're supposed to wait in this type of a situation before you can talk again, you know? Maybe a little longer.
Monica Geller: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate.
Mr. Ratstatter: Doesn't matter.
Monica Geller: What?
Mr. Ratstatter: Our FDA approval didn't come through. Something about laboratory rats.
Monica Geller: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
Mr. Ratstatter: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check. Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?
Monica Geller: Well, uh, I ate some.
Mr. Ratstatter: Oh, some, that's fine. Some is fine. Some is not a lot. So, it doesn't burn when you pee, does it?
Monica Geller: Hello?
Ross Geller: Hi.
Rachel Green: Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin' me down.
Monica Geller: Listen, I... I don't think this is the best time.
Ross Geller: Look, can, can you do something for me?
Monica Geller: Sure, what? Ok, ok. Music?
Radio: The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross. Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him.
Radio: Uh, we've just gotten a call from Rachel, and she told us what Ross did. It's pretty appalling, and Ross, if you're listening, I don't wanna play your song anymore. Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit you with her car and she hopes you two will work it out.
Mr. Ratstatter: Hi, thanks for coming in again.
Monica Geller: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the cash.
Mr. Ratstatter: It's like I'm lookin' in a mirror. Anyway, they're called "fishtachios". They taste exactly like pistachios, but they're made primarily of reconstituted fish bits. Here, try one. You're not allergic to anything, are you?
Monica Geller: Cat hair.
Mr. Ratstatter: Oh, sorry.