Joey Tribbiani: Well that thing is clearing in the way! All right. Ah-ha! Ah-ah!! Damn fridge!
Rachel Green: Hi Joey, how ya doin'?
Joey Tribbiani: Great! Roomie!
Rachel Green: Huh, yeah I guess we are roommates now.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Well, now that you brought it up, our fridge is broken. We have to get a new one. Now, I checked around and your half is $400. Thanks a lot.
Rachel Green: I'm not paying for half of that! I'm only staying here until my apartment gets fixed.
Joey Tribbiani: Look Rach, my parents bought this fridge just after I was born, okay? Now, I have never had a problem with it. Then you show up and it breaks! What does that tell ya'?
Rachel Green: That refrigerators don't live as long as people.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, now you know that the ATM will only lets you take out 300 at a time, I'll take a check for the other hundred.
Rachel Green: You're jokin' right?
Joey Tribbiani: Of course I'm jokin'! I don't take checks.
Rachel Green: Thank God you're pretty.
Rachel Green: Hey!
Everyone: Hi! Hey!
Rachel Green: Do you guys know any cute guys?
Chandler Bing: Well, of course I do! My good friend Joey over here.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I'm sorry. Thank you Chandler.
Rachel Green: Anyway, there's this big charity ball this weekend and Ralph Lauren bought a table, so I kinda have to go...
Monica Geller: What's the charity?
Rachel Green: I don't know, something either trees or disease-Ralph mumbles a lot.
Monica Geller: Does Ralph mumble when you're not paying attention?
Rachel Green: Yeah! It's weird. But the thing is need to find a date.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, what kind of guy are you looking for?
Rachel Green: Well, someone that has his own tux, or has the ability to rent a tux.
Chandler Bing: So he has to be a male who has at least $50.
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh! So close.
Ross Geller: Hey everybody!
Everyone: Hi!
Ross Geller: Hey uh, this is Elizabeth.
Elizabeth Stevens: Oh hi!
Everyone: Hi!
Elizabeth Stevens: I'm the student.
Chandler Bing: Isn't she cute? No!
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, this is probably none of my business, but weren't you guys supposed to not be seen in public together?
Elizabeth Stevens: Oh, we're not together.
Ross Geller: Oh no-no-no, we're just two people who happen to run into each other here at the coffee house.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, sly.
Elizabeth Stevens: Well, I really wanted to meet you guys, but I have to run. I'll see you later?
Everyone: Okay!
Elizabeth Stevens: Bye Ross.
Ross Geller: Bye.
Elizabeth Stevens: Oops! I did not mean to run into you like that sir.
Ross Geller: Oh that is quite all right ma'am.
Chandler Bing: So, why is she leaving? Is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do?
Ross Geller: Yes, her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow.
Chandler Bing: Oh, tell her good luck with that.
Ross Geller: Anyone else? Huh? Bring 'em on!
Rachel Green: Oo! When's her birthday?!
Ross Geller: I don't know Rachel, why?
Rachel Green: Well, y'know it's just been so long since I've been to Chuckie Cheese.
Monica Geller: Oh, I like Elizabeth.
Ross Geller: Well thanks!
Monica Geller: Yeah. In fact, I like her so much you tell her I want my cookies early this year! Y'know, a box of Thin Mints and some Tag-a-Longs.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey come on you guys, give him a break. Ross, seriously, how's it going with her?
Ross Geller: Well, actually it's been great. She's 20 so she's not looking for anything too serious, which is perfect for me right now.
Monica Geller: Well that is great. And seriously, she seems very nice.
Ross Geller: Thanks. I know you guys like to give me a hard time and all, but it really means a lot to me that you like her. Just knowing that you guys are...
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I got a good one. Okay, umm, what is she? Like 12?
Monica Geller: Chandler, do you think we talk about our relationship enough?
Chandler Bing: Yeah. Do we have any Fruit Roll-Ups?
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I just thought of the perfect guy for Rachel to take to her thing.
Chandler Bing: Oh that's so funny because we found someone too.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh that's good, I guess she'll have a choice between my guy and your weirdo.
Chandler Bing: Why would our guy be a weirdo?
Phoebe Buffay: 'Cause that's just your taste.
Monica Geller: Rachel is not going to pick your stupid guy.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah?
Monica Geller: Yeah!
Phoebe Buffay: My guy is a lawyer who has volunteer work. And, he has one of these
Chandler Bing: A face ass?
Phoebe Buffay: A chin dimple!
Monica Geller: Well, uh y'know, our guy works with Chandler and he's really nice and smart and he's a great dresser!
Phoebe Buffay: Have you seen your guy's body?
Chandler Bing: No, our guy is just a floating head.
Phoebe Buffay: Well my guy is spectacular. Okay? He's a massage client and one time umm, when he was on the table, I looked at it. And I mean all of it.
Monica Geller: You're not supposed to look!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, like there are police for that!
Chandler Bing: Wait! You look? You-you massaged me.
Phoebe Buffay: I know.
Monica Geller: All right fine, your guy may have a great body, but our guy is really funny.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, Chandler funny?
Monica Geller: Our guy's a great dancer!
Phoebe Buffay: My guy is well read.
Chandler Bing: Our guy has great hair.
Phoebe Buffay: My guy has great teeth!
Chandler Bing: Our guy smells incredible.
Monica Geller: Do you want our guy to be your guy?
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Huh.
Chandler Bing: Well, you...don't look good Joe.
Joey Tribbiani: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes-Hey, what was in that brown jar?
Chandler Bing: That's still in there?!
Joey Tribbiani: Not anymore. So anyway, how do you want to pay me?
Chandler Bing: Is this a service you're providing me?
Joey Tribbiani: No! No! No! For my new fridge-our new fridge!
Chandler Bing: Our new fridge? I don't live here anymore.
Joey Tribbiani: So what? Look, suppose we were a divorced couple.
Chandler Bing: Uh-huh.
Joey Tribbiani: And I got custody of the kid, right? Now suppose the kid dies and-and I gotta buy a new kid.
Chandler Bing: Okay...
Joey Tribbiani: Give me $400!
Elizabeth Stevens: Professor Geller?
Ross Geller: Hmm? Oh, a student I don't know.
Elizabeth Stevens: I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment?
Ross Geller: Yes, yes of course, what-what would this be regarding?
Elizabeth Stevens: Making out in your office.
Ross Geller: Shh! Of course, why don't we go inside?
Ross Geller: Oh-ooh!
Elizabeth Stevens: What?
Ross Geller: Doorknob! Doorknob!
Elizabeth Stevens: Oh! Sorry! Umm, I actually do need to talk to you.
Ross Geller: Oh, okay. What-what about?
Elizabeth Stevens: Spring vacation.
Ross Geller: Spring vacation.
Elizabeth Stevens: Yeah, we have time off and a lot of people are going on trips...
Professor Feesen: Professor Geller!
Ross Geller: Yes, professor Feesen-sen-stenlger... I'll be with you in one moment. So, I will take one box of the Thin Mints.
Ross Geller: You don't understand! Elizabeth was about to ask me to go on a trip with her! Is that taking it slow?! No, I'm not ready for this! Okay? What-what do I tell her?
Chandler Bing: Just tell her the truth! Tell her you're not ready.
Ross Geller: I can do that. Oh-oh, what if she gets upset?
Chandler Bing: Then you distract her with a Barbie doll.
Joey Tribbiani: Or! You can just, y'know...
Ross Geller: What the hell are you doing?
Joey Tribbiani: What? What the hell am I doing? You just broke my fridge!
Ross Geller: What?! What? How do you, how do you even know its broken?!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh-ho-ho, you think I don't know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me! Well what do you know! Broken! That'll be $400!
Chandler Bing: Joey, I saw you push him!
Joey Tribbiani: You pushed him!
Ross Geller: Joey, I did not break this! Okay? That has been broken for a while.
Joey Tribbiani: All right. Chandler, do you remember how I told you about our fridge?
Chandler Bing: Uh-huh.
Joey Tribbiani: I still haven't gotten a check for your half yet.
Ross Geller: Do not give him any money!
Joey Tribbiani: I'm not talking to you! You broke my fridge!
Elizabeth Stevens: You wanted to see me Professor Geller?
Ross Geller: Yes. Yes! Please, come in.
Ross Geller: Oo-oo!
Elizabeth Stevens: Doorknob?
Ross Geller: Yeah, it kinda grows on you. Actually, I wanted to finish talking to you about uh, spring vacation.
Elizabeth Stevens: Oh good.
Ross Geller: Look, I... Look, I'm having a great time with you and I just don't want us to move to fast or put to much pressure on us. So, I'm sorry I just don't think we should go away together yet. It's-it's too soon.
Elizabeth Stevens: Ross, I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to Florida for a couple weeks.
Ross Geller: No. I think you misunderstood what I was saying. What I meant was...
Elizabeth Stevens: You are so adorable.
Ross Geller: That! Let's talk about that.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey! How did it go with Elizabeth?
Ross Geller: Huh? Oh-oh, it was fine. Uh, it was just a misunderstanding. She didn't want me to go with her. She just wanted to let me know that she's going to Florida for spring vacation.
Chandler Bing: Wait a minute, is she going for spring vacation or is she going for spring break?
Ross Geller: What's-what's the difference?
Monica Geller: Well, spring vacation is doing nice things with your grandparents. Spring break you're doing frat guys.
Ross Geller: Hey, y'know what? Not all spring breaks are like that.
Phoebe Buffay: What did you do on yours?
Ross Geller: I went to Egypt with my dad.
Chandler Bing: I can see it now, "Look dad, it's the Sphinx!"
Ross Geller: Hey, I think Elizabeth is a little more serious than, "Spring break!" All right? I mean she's taken my class!
Monica Geller: And slept with the professor.
Ross Geller: I'm gonna call her.
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Hey! You guys umm, I want you to meet Sebastian.
Sebastian: Hi.
Rachel Green: We just uh, we just met at the newsstand. We both grabbed for the last Field & Stream. What? I read that.
Sebastian: Can I get you a cup of coffee?
Rachel Green: Oh yes! Thank you!
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel, what the hell is this?!
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: You ask us to find you a guy and you come traipsing in here with your own!
Rachel Green: You found me a guy?
Monica Geller: Yes! We found you a really cute and funny guy from Chandler's work!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah and I-I found you one too who is not a weirdo.
Rachel Green: Well, y'know what though you guys? I really appreciate that but I think I'm just gonna take Sebastian to the charity.
Chandler Bing: Are you sure?! Because our guy smells incredible!
Monica Geller: Uh, would you stop it with that already?!
Sebastian: Here you go.
Rachel Green: Oh, thank you.
Sebastian: Sure.
Phoebe Buffay: So, Sebastian, do you do any volunteer work?
Sebastian: Uh, no not really. Why?
Phoebe Buffay: No reason, it's just I know a single guy that cares about other people.
Chandler Bing: Are you funny?
Sebastian: Excuse me?
Rachel Green: What are you guys doing?
Monica Geller: Are you funny? Tell us a joke!
Sebastian: Look, I just wanted to have coffee with Rachel.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, so do a lot of people.
Sebastian: Actually, I uh, I gotta get going. Give me a call sometime.
Rachel Green: Oh, but y'know, no, you didn't give me your phone number.
Sebastian: Okay! See you later!
Chandler Bing: Turns out he is kinda funny.
Rachel Green: I cannot believe you guys! He was really nice and he left because of you!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, but Sebastian? What is that? A cat's name?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, y'know what I noticed Rachel? He scares easy. Is that the kind of guy you'd like to take to a ball? "Hey Sebastian, would you like to dance?" "Uhh, okay-I gotta go!"
Monica Geller: All right guys stop it. Rachel, we're very sorry that is a very insensitive thing for us to do. And y'know what? Let us make it up to you, we have two really great guys for you.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! What have you got to lose? Y'know you might even end up with someone really special if you pick my guy.
Rachel Green: All right.
Chandler Bing: Okay, so you will meet our guys?
Rachel Green: Yes, I'll meet 'em.
Chandler Bing: Okay now it doesn't matter which one you choose, y'know? It's completely up to you. Our guy is perfect, or you can go out with the guy Phoebe deemed not good enough to go out with herself.
Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs! There you are! Okay, you broke my fridge; you owe me 400 bucks!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay sure!
Joey Tribbiani: Really?!
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, technically you owe me $600 for sending out happy thoughts on your last ten auditions.
Joey Tribbiani: Call it even?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Well, there you are! So what did Elizabeth say?
Ross Geller: Well, it turns out that she is going to Daytona for spring break woo-hoo. That means, that means wet T-shirt contests, guys doing shots off of girl's bodies, waking up next to people you don't even know...
Joey Tribbiani: Man, she is going to have a great time! Is she staying at the Hotel Corona?
Chandler Bing: You know the hotels?
Joey Tribbiani: Sure! I was there! Spring Break '81! Woo-hoo!
Monica Geller: In 1981 you were 13!
Joey Tribbiani: So what? I drove down, sold T-shirts, had a blast. And y'know who knows how to party? Drunk college chicks.
Ross Geller: Okay, she can't go.
Phoebe Buffay: Ross, you can't tell her not to go. You just started dating.
Ross Geller: Then what am I supposed to do?
Phoebe Buffay: Nothing, you just have to be cool with it.
Ross Geller: Well, what is she goes down and-and sleeps with a bunch of guys?
Chandler Bing: Well, maybe you don't marry this one.
Ross Geller: I'm so glad you're going on this trip!
Elizabeth Stevens: Yeah! I've been working so hard this semester. I really need to go crazy y'know, blow off some steam.
Ross Geller: Sure. Sure. Look I don't, I don't know if your plans are finalized yet, but umm, hey I-I know another great way to blow off steam.
Elizabeth Stevens: What?
Ross Geller: Are you into crafts at all?
Elizabeth Stevens: Ross, are you okay?
Ross Geller: Well, yeah, of-of course I'm okay! What? I'm just being supportive. Supportive of you and this whole trip, and-and what-what is uh, what's this?
Elizabeth Stevens: It's a bathing suit?
Ross Geller: To wear in front of people?
Elizabeth Stevens: Is that supportive?
Ross Geller: Is this?!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Good-good-good-good.
Monica Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Monica Geller: We're really glad you decided to meet our guy.
Rachel Green: Oh...
Monica Geller: You're gonna like him so much. So umm, when do you want to meet him?
Rachel Green: I don't know. I know I don't work late tomorrow night.
Chandler Bing: Tomorrow night is good. Tomorrow night is good, but uh, y'know what? Why put off something till tomorrow that you can do right now? Eldad come here!
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller: Eldad, this is Rachel.
Eldad: How are you?
Rachel Green: Well-well a little blind sided but y'know good.
Chandler Bing: Eldad, sit down. Move over! Move over now!
Rachel Green: I-Ohh!
Chandler Bing: There you go! There you are!
Monica Geller: Okay! Okay! We can take a hint! What are you doing here?!
Phoebe Buffay: This is Patrick.
Patrick: Hi.
Chandler Bing: Hi. Okay, you're too late okay? Because she's already with our guy.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, you're right! I am too late; they're sitting on the couch and talking! Come on! Rachel?
Rachel Green: Yeah?
Phoebe Buffay: This is Patrick.
Rachel Green: Oh, hi.
Patrick: Hi.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, this is the guy I was telling you about.
Rachel Green: Yeah?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. And believe me, this suit does not do justice to what's underneath it.
Rachel Green: Oh-okay, but Pheebs?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah?
Rachel Green: I'm just sort of in the middle of something.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Okay! Yeah, that's okay. Have a seat.
Monica Geller: No! You can't do that!
Eldad: Maybe I should go!
Monica Geller: Sit down! We're winning!
Rachel Green: Okay, y'know what? Maybe I should go!
Everyone: No-no-no-no! Have a seat! Have a seat!
Monica Geller: Rachel! Rachel! You haven't touched Eldad's hair!
Chandler Bing: It is the softest hair! Touch it!
Rachel Green: Yeah, I'm good.
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel? Patrick is really rich. Give her some money.
Patrick: Y'know what Phoebe? This isn't really worth the free massage.
Monica Geller: That's right Patrick, bye-bye!
Chandler Bing: Eldad is much more cooperative! And he can dance! You dance for Rachel!
Rachel Green: No-no! Don't dance for me! Please? Don't! What is the matter with you guys?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, okay, let's talk it out.
Rachel Green: I... Am I the only one that this is embarrassing for?
Eldad: I'm a little embarrassed.
Rachel Green: I'll tell ya who should be embarrassed! It's you guys! Come on! This is ridiculous! Thank you very much, but I do not need you to get me a date!
Phoebe Buffay: Then why did she ask us to...
Rachel Green: I am still talking!! And then you chase away the one guy that I actually liked! I mean, no offense to you guys. Really! I mean congratulations on all the cash, and-and y'know-Wow! You do have very soft hair! But I would much rather go to the ball all by myself than go through anymore of this! Good-bye! Now do you use some sort of special conditioner on that hair?!
Eldad: Yes, Papaya Extract.
Rachel Green: Thank you!
Ross Geller: So uh, have a great time down there.
Elizabeth Stevens: I will.
Ross Geller: Yeah. And did you, did you pack that bathing suit?
Elizabeth Stevens: Yeah.
Ross Geller: It was pretty funny when I, when I hid it for a while, huh? Anyway, umm, I-I am worried about that bathing suit, not because it's revealing which I'm fine with, no I'm concerned about your health, sun exposure.
Elizabeth Stevens: Oh, don't worry I have plenty of sun block, it's SPF-30.
Ross Geller: Well, if what's in the bottle is actually 30. I mean sometimes you get 30, sometimes it's-it's get 4, and I swear to God more often than not it's just milk.
Elizabeth Stevens: Ross, it's going to be okay. I'm not going down there to hook up with a bunch of guys. I really like you. I like how things are going between us.
Ross Geller: Really?
Elizabeth Stevens: Yeah! I'm just going down there to relax and hang out with my friends.
Ross Geller: Okay. Cool.
Elizabeth Stevens: Oh hey! Here they are!
Guy: Elizabeth!
Ross Geller: Call me!
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel, we're sorry for pushing those guys on you.
Rachel Green: Oh that's all right! Y'know, I ended up having a really good time. Y'know, the charity was a big success and they raised a lot of money and awareness.
Chandler Bing: So what was it for anyway?
Rachel Green: I wanna say a disease.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Everyone: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: I just got this really weird message from Ross. He said turn on MTV.
Rachel Green: Huh. All right.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, look! That's Elizabeth!
Rachel Green: Oh-oh Professor Geller.
Joey Tribbiani: Ahh, to be 13 again.
Chandler Bing: Yeah.


Joey Tribbiani: The reactor's gonna blow in three seconds, we're never gonna make it!
Phoebe Buffay: You've got to get out of here! Save yourself!
Joey Tribbiani: No! I won't leave you!
Phoebe Buffay: Don't worry about me, I'm a robot! I'm just a machine!!
Joey Tribbiani: No you're not! Not to me!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Phoebe Buffay: I am extremely talented!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you're great! Okay, let's take it from...
Phoebe Buffay: No, I mean I was really acting my ass off.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I thought I was pretty good too.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, you're solid. Yeah, you're just no me.
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know what? I think that's enough for now. Yeah. I don't want to be over rehearsed.
Phoebe Buffay: Fine! I'll do it without you! I don't need you or anybody else! I'm gonna make it on my own! You'll see!! You'll all see!!
Chandler Bing: So uh, what's this thing you're auditioning for?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, it's a new TV show. Yeah. I'm up for the part of Mac Macaveli or "Mac." Yeah, I'm a detective and I solve crimes with the help of my robot partner. He's a, he's a Computerized Humanoid Electronically Enhanced Secret Enforcer or-or "C.H.E.E.S.E."
Rachel Green: So Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Joey Tribbiani: That's the title! Yeah! Y'know they really lucked out that the initials spell cheese.
Chandler Bing: That is lucky.
Rachel Green: Huh-Wait so Joey if you get this, you're gonna be like the star of your own TV show! I mean you'll be like the Big Cheese! Or the Big Mac-Hey! You love those!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, don't get your hopes up, because probably not gonna happen.
Chandler Bing: Now-now, why would you say that Joseph?
Joey Tribbiani: I mean come on you guys! My own TV show? I just don't know if I'm good enough.
Phoebe Buffay: I am.
Rachel Green: Joey, what are you talking about? You're a terrific actor.
Joey Tribbiani: You really think so?
Rachel Green: Ugh, how can you even ask that question?!
Chandler Bing: Whoa, she's pretty.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, and oh she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry, what?
Monica Geller: What?
Ross Geller: Excuse me?
Joey Tribbiani: It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this.
Chandler Bing: Oh, ok.
Joey Tribbiani: There's my scene, there's my scene. "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon. I'm afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..."
Joey Tribbiani: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear.
Joey Tribbiani: I Play Al Pacino's Butt. All Right? He Goes Into The Shower, And Then- I'M His Butt.
Monica Geller: Oh My God.
Joey Tribbiani: C'Mon, You Guys. This Is A Real Movie, And Al Pacino's In It, And That's Big!
Chandler Bing: Oh No, It's Terrific, It'S- It'S- Y'Know, You Deserve This, After All Your Years Of Struggling, You'Ve Finally Been Able To Crack Your Way Into Show Business.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, Okay, Fine! Make Jokes, I Don'T Care! This Is A Big Break For Me!
Ross Geller: You're right, you're right, it is.
Monica Geller: Yes.
Ross Geller: So you gonna invite us all to the big opening?
Joey Tribbiani: All right well, I'm outta here. Wish me luck.
Phoebe Buffay: Gooood luck! Gooood luck! We all wish you good luuuuuuuuck!!!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, whatever.
Ross Geller: It's your turn.
Chandler Bing: Oh, are we playing this?!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hey! How'd the audition go?
Joey Tribbiani: Terrible! I messed up every line! I shouldn't even be an actor!
Ross Geller: Wait a minute, are you doing that thing where you pretend it didn't go well but it really did go well?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, did I fool ya?
Ross Geller: Totally!
Chandler Bing: So it did go well.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, it went amazingly well!
Ross Geller: Great!
Chandler Bing: Oh that's great!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-yeah, it's down to me and two other guys.
Chandler Bing: Oh my God!
Ross Geller: Wow!
Joey Tribbiani: And I know both of them, they're really good. One of them is the guy from those allergy commercials who's always getting chased by those big flowers...
Ross Geller: Oh, I love that guy!
Chandler Bing: Oh-oh, what are you doing?
Ross Geller: What am I doing?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm just so nervous! Y'know? The callback isn't until tomorrow at five. I feel like my head is going to explode!
Chandler Bing: Well, it is overdue.
Ross Geller: Look, don't worry. Okay? You're gonna be fine.
Joey Tribbiani: There's just so much pressure. I mean no offense, but what you guys do is very different. I don't know if you'd understand.
Ross Geller: Yeah, none of us have to deal with pressure at our jobs.
Chandler Bing: Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!
Monica Geller: Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce.
Interviewer: Uh-huh. Is it dirty?
Monica Geller: Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it.
Interviewer: Don't, I like it dirty.
Monica Geller: That's your call.
Interviewer: So, uh, what are you going to do next?
Monica Geller: Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos.
Interviewer: Are they, uh, firm?
Monica Geller: They'r alright.
Interviewer: You sure they haven't gone bad? You're sure they're not very, very bad?
Monica Geller: No really, they're OK.
Interviewer: You gonna slice them up real nice?
Monica Geller: Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne.
Interviewer: Aaaahhhhhhh.
Monica Geller: I'm outa here.
Rachel Green: Monica, I'm quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didn't even buy it! I'm telling you I'm quitting! That's it! I'm talking to my boss right now! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message.
Monica Geller: Well, what happened?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, he came in for a massage and everything was fine until...
Everyone: Ohhhhhh!
Ross Geller: Oh my God!
Phoebe Buffay: And all of the sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore.
Monica Geller: Was it...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, Boy Scouts could've camped under it!
Ross Geller: You ate my sandwich?
Dr. Ledbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.
Ross Geller: Oh-oh really?
Dr. Ledbetter: Now-now calm down. Come look in my office, some of it my still be in the trash.
Ross Geller: What?
Dr. Ledbetter: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it away.
Ross Geller: You-you-you-you threw my sandwich away!
Ross Geller: MY SANDWICH?!!!
Ross Geller: MY SANDWICH!!!!!!
Joey Tribbiani: I want this part so much! Y'know? If I don't get this part I'm never gonna eat Macaroni and Cheese again!-No, I didn't say that! That's a lie.
Chandler Bing: Oh come on guys, it's not like I moved to Europe! I just moved across the hall! And we would have you over all the time if it weren't for Monica's allergies. You're right, I could never lie to you. She hates you. Should I get that? Hello? Uh no, Joey's not here right now. Can I take a message? Yeah, okay so the audition has been moved from 5:00 to 2:30? Okay great. Bye.
Monica Geller: Ahh! Aren't you dressed yet?
Chandler Bing: Am I naked again?!
Monica Geller: We're supposed to meet my parents in 15 minutes.
Chandler Bing: Yeah okay, I was just talking to the guys. Just look at them I mean, is it okay if they come visit?
Monica Geller: Wh?! What about my allergies?!
Chandler Bing: Oh right, your allergies. All her, she hates you.
Joey Tribbiani: Yes!! Ha-ha!! All right! Hey! How cool would it be if you could watch like a real life-sized version of this? Huh? I mean how crazy would that be?
Chandler Bing: As crazy as soccer?
Joey Tribbiani: Hello? What are you talking about? The audition's not 'til 5:00! Well, nobody told me! Who'd you talk to? Nevermind!
Chandler Bing: You mean you didn't get it from this?
Joey Tribbiani: The allergy guy got the part! Thanks!
Chandler Bing: Well, maybe we can fix it y'know? Maybe we can send him some-some big-big flowers and scare him!
Joey Tribbiani: How could you do this to me Chandler?! This part could've turned my whole career around!
Chandler Bing: I messed up. Okay? I'm sorry, I really messed up.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you don't even live here anymore! What are you doing answering my phone? I have my machine!
Chandler Bing: Which I bought for ya. Taught ya how to use it. You thought it was a copier. Look, if there was anything I could do, I would do it. Okay? But everybody's allowed one mistake, right?
Chandler Bing: You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller! The eyesore from the Liberace house of crap!
Phoebe Buffay: It's not that bad.
Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, Chandler.
Chandler Bing: I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . Hi!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and...
Joey Tribbiani: And what?! Did you sleep with her?!
Chandler Bing: No! No! No! I just kissed her.
Joey Tribbiani: What?!! That's even worse!!
Chandler Bing: How is that worse?!
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know! But it's the same!
Chandler Bing: You're right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.
Joey Tribbiani: Over the line?! You-you're-you're so far past the line, that you-you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!
Chandler Bing: Look, I'm not saying that you should magically forgive me! But you're not perfect! You've made some errors in judgment too!
Joey Tribbiani: Name one!
Chandler Bing: What happened?!!
Joey Tribbiani: Awww, man! He promised he wouldn't take the chairs!!
Chandler Bing: What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn't think big enough to fit a grown man!
Chandler Bing: So-You got in voluntarily?!
Joey Tribbiani: I was tryin' to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again, do you know what I'm gonna do?
Chandler Bing: BEND OVER?!!!
Chandler Bing: Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.
Lorraine: Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you brought.
Chandler Bing: ...And what did you bring?
Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.
Chandler Bing: Janice?
Chandler Bing: Janice?!
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh... my... God.
Chandler Bing: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me.
Ross Geller: What?
Joey Tribbiani: No way! I've been going to the guy for 12 years.
Chandler Bing: Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite...
Ross Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: Cupping.
Joey Tribbiani: That's how they do pants! Ross, will you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?
Ross Geller: Yes, yes it is. In prison!
Joey Tribbiani: I said name one!
Chandler Bing: I can't believe I did this! What an idiot!
Monica Geller: Oh, stop beating yourself up! People make mistakes! These things happen! There aren't any message you've forgotten to give me are there? Apparently you're not very good at it! I...
Chandler Bing: Do you think he'll ever forgive me?
Rachel Green: Of course he will! But Chandler the most important thing is you forgive yourself!
Chandler Bing: Y'know what? I-I kinda have.
Rachel Green: Already? That's pretty bad what you did.
Monica Geller: Y'know what? He will forgive you. And I like to bring a pad with me when I go answer the phone just in case... Okay...
Chandler Bing: You didn't see how mad he was, y'know?
Rachel Green: I'm sure he will forgive you. Look, we have all been there! Y'know, you fight, you make up, it's just the way it works.
Ross Geller: It took two people to break up this relationship!!
Rachel Green: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!!
Ross Geller: I didn't know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn't finish the whole letter!
Rachel Green: What?!!
Ross Geller: I fell asleep!
Rachel Green: You fell asleep?!
Ross Geller: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means 'you are,' Y-O-U-R means 'your!'
Rachel Green: Y'know I can't believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!
Ross Geller: FINE BY ME!!
Rachel Green: And hey! Just so you know, it's not that common! It doesn't happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
Chandler Bing: I KNEW IT!!!!
Monica Geller: You had no right to go out with him.
Rachel Green: That is the most ridiculous...
Monica Geller: You sold me out.
Rachel Green: I did not sell you out.
Monica Geller: Yes you did. You absolutely sold me...
Rachel Green: Would you let me talk.
Monica Geller: Did you just flick me?
Rachel Green: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- Ow. That hurt
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! All right. Now, let's not do this!
Phoebe Buffay: Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts!
Phoebe Buffay: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.
Phoebe Buffay: I know! I know! I know!
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.
Rachel Green: Fine!
Monica Geller: Fine!
Phoebe Buffay: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.
Chandler Bing: Oh my God!
Joey Tribbiani: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando...
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges.
Chandler Bing: Joey? Got you a Joey Special, two pizzas! Joe? Hello? Damnit! Hello? No, Joey's not here right now, but I can take a message I think. He's still got a chance for the part?! Oh, that's great news! Well no obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog. Oh well, that's great. I will give Joey the message. Thank you! Yes! Okay, Mac audition at 2:00. Allergy actor attacked. By dog not flowers.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Please tell me you got the message!
Joey Tribbiani: What message?
Chandler Bing: The actor playing Mac couldn't do it, they needed to see you at 2 o'clock.
Joey Tribbiani: What?! It's 6 o'clock!
Chandler Bing: Du-du-I wrote it, I wrote it on the board! I wrote it on the board, then I went all over New York City looking for ya! I went to Ross's! I went to the coffeehouse! I went to any place that they made sandwiches!
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe this Chandler!
Chandler Bing: Sorry! I-I-I don't know what to say.
Joey Tribbiani: Well you-you-you-you might say congratulations! I saw the board! I went to the audition! I got the part!!
Chandler Bing: Is that supposed to be funny! I was really worried over here!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, well I'm uh...
Chandler Bing: Y'know, sometimes that fake out thing is just mean!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh wow! Okay man, I'm sorry. I did not mean to make you feel bad.
Chandler Bing: Well that's good. Because you didn't! And I'm incredibly happy for ya!!
Joey Tribbiani: That's mean! You really had me going there!
Chandler Bing: Oh, we could do this all day.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you're right. Okay look, listen, let's talk about what a huge star I'm gonna be!
Chandler Bing: You are gonna be a huge star! I'm gonna hug ya!
Joey Tribbiani: You hug me!
Chandler Bing: All right!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, do we do this too much?
Chandler Bing: I think so. Yeah, get off me.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on C.H.E.E.S.E., I'm not leaving without you! Try routing your backup source through your primary CPU.
Phoebe Buffay: I can't! My circuits are fried! They're fried I tell you!!
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! Well then I'll just have to carry you.
Ross Geller: That'll be a neat trick, when you're, when you're dead!
Joey Tribbiani: Ross, you don't have to yell.
Ross Geller: There was just an explosion, okay? My hearing would be impaired.
Phoebe Buffay: I thought you were excellent! In fact for a minute there I was like, "Ooh, where'd Ross go?"
Ross Geller: Thank you! And I have to say that first scene when you meet Mac...
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah?
Ross Geller: Oh my God. I mean...
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know what? I think that's enough for today. Thanks for your help!
Phoebe Buffay: He's holding us back.
Ross Geller: Totally.


Rachel Green: Okay, Chandler!
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Rachel Green: And your horoscope says, "On the fifth a special someone is going to give you a gift."
Chandler Bing: Oh, well thank you in advance.
Rachel Green: Op, but the twelfth brings a lover's spat.
Monica Geller: You are going to make a joke about my special present! Why would you do that?!
Rachel Green: Oh, wait and on the nineteenth a secret crush announces itself.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey guys!
Chandler Bing: Hey!!
Rachel Green: Oh my God! It's Joey Tribbiani of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!!!!!!
Chandler Bing: Oh that's right. It's your first day! So are you psyched to fight fake crime with your robot sidekick?
Joey Tribbiani: Am I psyched? The lead in my own TV series? I've dreamed about this for years! Why have I not been preparing?!
Phoebe Buffay: No! Joey, you're going to be great!
Joey Tribbiani: But I got to act with a robot Pheebs, and-and I don't know anything about technology! I can't even use Chandler's computer except to find porn! And-and that's only 'cause it's right there when you turn it on!
Monica Geller: I think our lover's spat will start a little early this month.
Phoebe Buffay: I'll be waiting.
Chandler Bing: Are you judging them by their covers? Because you're really not supposed to do that.
Phoebe Buffay: No, I'm just deciding which one to use-I'm gonna start writing another book!
Rachel Green: Be-because the last one was such a big seller?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, if you must know I have written 14 books. And as I am the only one who has read them, I can tell you that they all have been very well received.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Ross Geller: What are you guys doing later?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, Rachel and I have appointments to get our hair cut.
Rachel Green: We do?
Phoebe Buffay: I want to see what he wants first.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Ross Geller: I just found out that Elizabeth's dad wants to meet me.
Chandler Bing: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You're not Elizabeth's dad?!
Ross Geller: Come on guys, I-I really want this guy to like me. It-it would really help me out if you guys were here to make me look good.
Everyone: Of course we'll help! Yeah! We'll be here!
Ross Geller: Thanks!
Monica Geller: We know how tough those parent/teacher conferences can be.
The Producer: So uh, here's your office set!
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! Huh? Mac Macaveli, Private Investigator!
The Producer: Let's get you into wardrobe for a fitting.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Hey uh, when do I get to meet the robot?
The Producer: I'm sorry, why don't we do that right now? He's right here.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
The Producer: Joey Tribbiani, this is...
Joey Tribbiani: Oh wow! He's so lifelike! Unbelievable! (He starts tugging on the guy's ears.
The Producer: This is Wayne, the man who created and operates C.H.E.E.S.E.
Joey Tribbiani: How do you do there, Wayne?
The Producer: I'll let you two guys get acquainted, huh?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Sorry about that... Uh, so where's C.H.E.E.S.E.?
Wayne: C.H.E.E.S.E. is right here.
C.H.E.E.S.E.: Nice to meet you Mac!
Joey Tribbiani: This is like the temporary robot, right?
Wayne: No. Why?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I-I just, I just it was going to be like a really cool robot, y'know? Like the terminator or uh, when I first saw you.
Wayne: I spent two years developing this machine, it's absolutely state of the art.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry, it just-I don't know it doesn't really look like it can do anything.
Wayne: It can do this.
Elizabeth Stevens: This is my father, Paul Stevens. Dad, this is Ross Geller.
Ross Geller: It-it's great to meet you Paul.
Paul Stevens: I usually prefer Elizabeth's boyfriends to address me as Mr. Stevens.
Ross Geller: Of course, of course, Mr. Stevens.
Paul Stevens: So Ross, what your problem?
Ross Geller: Eh-wh-Excuse me?
Paul Stevens: Why can't you get a girlfriend your own age?
Ross Geller: That's funny. Umm... It's not funny.
Paul Stevens: I don't like you going out with my daughter Ross.
Ross Geller: Okay. I can, I can see that. Umm, but I think if you give me umm, one chance I can, I can change your mind.
Paul Stevens: Okay.
Ross Geller: What?
Paul Stevens: Okay. I'll give you one chance to change my mind. You got one minute.
Elizabeth Stevens: Daddy!
Paul Stevens: Fine! Two minutes. Go.
Ross Geller: This is-you-
Paul Stevens: 1 minute 50 seconds.
Ross Geller: Okay, umm I want you to know that I have never done anything like this before. I mean, I mean I've been in um, relationships in general, uh but I have never done it with a student-I mean I not-not it! I mean, I mean I don't-We haven't done it. Uh, I mean, I mean, we've-we've-we've done stuff. Okay, okay, a joke, a joke-lighten the mood. Umm, two guys go into a bar. One of them is Irish.
Paul Stevens: I'm Irish.
Ross Geller: And the Irish guy wins the joke!
Monica Geller: Ross!!
Chandler Bing: Ross!
Monica Geller: How crazy that we'd run into you!
Ross Geller: Oh God, thank you! Umm, uh, Mr. Stevens I'd like you to meet my friends uh, this is Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler.
Phoebe Buffay: You're Elizabeth's father, huh? I can see now where she gets her rugged handsomeness.
Monica Geller: Is-is-is there a-a Mrs. Stevens?
Chandler Bing: There's a Mr. Bing!
Paul Stevens: No, unfortunately Lizzie's mom passed away shortly after she was born. I raised her by myself.
Paul Stevens: I get that a lot.
Ross Geller: Okay umm, why don't we all take a seat, y'know? And uh, and I'll get us all some uh some coffees-Yeah, why don't you. Uh and you guys can talk about whatever, whatever you want. Y'know? Whatever pops into your head.
Monica Geller: Y'know, it is so strange seeing Ross here this time of day, 'cause usually he's got the children's hospital.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Not looking for dates.
Elizabeth Stevens: So uh, Monica is Ross's sister.
Monica Geller: And he's a great brother!
Paul Stevens: I had a sister.
Monica Geller: Ohh!
Paul Stevens: She passed away.
Paul Stevens: Oh, you don't have to do that every time.
Chandler Bing: But uh Ross, Ross is a great guy! I was roommates with him in college. Uh, funny story... You're roommate in college died didn't he?
Paul Stevens: A part of him did yes.
Ross Geller: Okay here we are Paul, Elizabeth. So I hope you guys were finding something to talk about.
Chandler Bing: Yes, we were just...
Rachel Green: Hi, I'm sorry I'm late but I am ready, ready to talk you up! When does Liz's father get here?
Paul Stevens: I'm already here.
Rachel Green: Oh! Ross is sooo great!
Chandler Bing: Hey honey, you got the kind with the little girl, you said we were gonna to get the kind with the baby.
Monica Geller: No, you said the baby creeps you out.
Chandler Bing: No, the little girl creeps me out.
Monica Geller: You said the baby.
Chandler Bing: Why would the baby creep me out?
Monica Geller: Why would the little girl creep you out?
Phoebe Buffay: You guys, I'm sorry, could you please talk a little slower?
Chandler Bing: This is going in your book?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, it's about relationships. Y'know? The traps, the pitfalls, what not to do, keep going. This stuff is great!
Monica Geller: What?! Excuse me!
Phoebe Buffay: And how none of it matters when the people really love each other. And how people will believe anything you tell them as long as it's a compliment.
Rachel Green: Oh hi!
Paul Stevens: Hi! Hi. I think I left my keys here somewhere.
Rachel Green: Oh! Well let's look for them. Oh-oh-hey! Are these them?
Paul Stevens: No.
Rachel Green: All right!
Paul Stevens: Oh, here they are right here.
Rachel Green: Oh good.
Paul Stevens: Thanks for your help.
Rachel Green: Oh, wait! Sorry, Mr. Paul? Mr. Paul?
Paul Stevens: Just call me Paul.
Rachel Green: Paul. Umm, I just wanted you to know that Ross really is a great guy.
Paul Stevens: Well maybe you can date him then that would save me the trouble of killing him. Are you okay?
Rachel Green: You just don't look old enough to have a twenty-year-old daughter.
Paul Stevens: Well, we were very young when we had her.
Rachel Green: Oh. We?
Paul Stevens: Well yeah, it usually, it takes two people to...
Rachel Green: Oh no! Yes! Of course, I know that! I just-I meant y'know are you still a 'We' or are you just 'You?'
Paul Stevens: I'm just me, my wife died shortly after Lizzie was born.
Rachel Green: Ohh. So you raised her all on your own?
Paul Stevens: Yes I did.
Rachel Green: Ohh. Ooh!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Monica Geller: How was your first day?
Joey Tribbiani: Pretty great! Except I did get a little attitude from the robot.
Chandler Bing: Damn those robots, they're supposed to be our faithful servants!
Joey Tribbiani: Anyway, it wasn't the robot, it was the guy who controls him. Yeah, he doesn't like me. He had C.H.E.E.S.E. knock over the sandwich right when I was reaching for one! Ohh!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, why don't you just get him fired?
Joey Tribbiani: I may have to, I hate to do it, but I'm the star! Y'know? There's a limit to how many sandwiches I can eat off the floor. Excuse me. Joey Tribbiani.
Estelle Leonard: Joe! I'm glad I found ya, I got an audition for ya!
Joey Tribbiani: Wow!
Estelle Leonard: The thing is it's kinda on the Q.T. The actor who has the part doesn't know he might be fired. It's the lead in a series, Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm the lead in Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!
Estelle Leonard: Uh-oh!
Ross Geller: Joey?!
Paul Stevens: Hi Ross.
Rachel Green: I was just getting him to like you.
Ross Geller: Joey?! Joey!!
Rachel Green: Ross, Joey is not here.
Ross Geller: Okay, I'll just wait for him in here!
Rachel Green: Ross, it's okay. You can come out.
Paul Stevens: Yeah Ross it's okay, it's me, Mr. Stevens.
Ross Geller: Oh! Oh my God! I didn't even see you!
Paul Stevens: Sure you did! You came in, you got all awkward, and you ran into the bedroom. You were shouting, "Joey! Joey!" Bye Rach.
Rachel Green: Bye!
Paul Stevens: I'll call you later. Bye Ross.
Ross Geller: What-what-what the-how da-how did-what the-how did-what?!
Rachel Green: Well, y'know he lost his keys so he was looking for them...
Ross Geller: In your mouth?!
Rachel Green: No! Downstairs! And we got to talking y'know, for like two hours, and I really liked him so I invited him up here for a cup of coffee.
Ross Geller: You were at the coffeehouse!
Rachel Green: Ross, what's the big deal? So I kissed the guy!
Ross Geller: He is my girlfriend's father, okay? It's-it's, it's weird!
Rachel Green: Wh-You dated my sister!
Ross Geller: That was different!
Rachel Green: What? Why?!
Ross Geller: This is weird for me!
Rachel Green: Ross look, look this is good for you. Okay? Let's face it, so far the guy's not lovin' ya! But I can turn that around! I got the inside track! We can all go out to dinner, y'know? And I can talk you up! Ross, the guy is a very, very successful lawyer!
Ross Geller: How is that important?
Rachel Green: Oh it's important!
Joey Tribbiani: Apparently, there's like a million guys out there that can play Mac, and there's only this one robot and this one guy who controls it! I didn't know he could get me fired! What am I going to do?
Monica Geller: Well y'know Joey, you're a pretty charming guy.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks, but I kinda have a problem to deal with here.
Monica Geller: No sweetie, you've got to win over the guy that controls C.H.E.E.S.E.! You've got to kiss some serious robot ass!
Joey Tribbiani: That's not a bad idea. Yeah. Okay, but if I got to turn on the charm tomorrow I'm not wasting anymore of it over here with you guys. Well, actually I got a little bit saved for you Pheebs.
Chandler Bing: So do you think uh, Joey's more charming than me?
Monica Geller: Yeah! That's why I'm sleeping with him on the side.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, you wish.
Phoebe Buffay: "You wish."
Monica Geller: Phoebe, stop writing about us!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm not writing about you! I'm writing about other people.
Chandler Bing: Who?
Phoebe Buffay: Marcia and Chester.
Monica Geller: Okay fine! Fine! Then you know what, I'll just write about Phyllis! Hmm!
Chandler Bing: Hmm.
Monica Geller: Phyllis is sitting in a chair.
Chandler Bing: Oh.
Phoebe Buffay: I see what you're doing!
Monica Geller: Phyllis sees what I'm doing.
Chandler Bing: Oh-oh.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter!
Joey Tribbiani: Morning! Hey, how's my favorite genius and my little robot buddy?!
Wayne: Don't touch him!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay! All right. Umm, all right Wayne, level with me. Okay? I-I keep hearing all these rumors that I might get fired. Okay, they even have actors coming in to read for my part! Come on man, you-you got to give me a second chance! I mean, I love-I love this little guy! Ah-ah!! Okay, that's why you didn't want me to touch him right? Here you go! Okay? Stupid! I can't believe it! God! Hey, how you doin'?
Rachel Green: So it seemed that my prom date had stood me up, so Ross selflessly, offered to take me.
Elizabeth Stevens: What a nice story!
Paul Stevens: So Ross was in college and decided to jump at the chance to take a young girl to her high school prom.
Rachel Green: Wow! I definitely did not see that one backfiring! I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Ross Geller: Yeah, take your time.
Ross Geller: Just-just so you know I was a freshman and she was a senior. So it wasn't as bad as-as...
Paul Stevens: Ross, look, I know I've been giving you a lot of jabs and it's partly because I'm very protective of Lizzie, and partly because well, they just keep coming to me. But I have to admit that after all the wonderful things that Lizzie has told me and the many, many, many stories that Rachel has told me that, well you're not all bad.
Ross Geller: Not all bad.
Paul Stevens: And anyhow, I'm sorry I was so harsh before, but you have to understand that I still look at Lizzie like she's a twelve-year-old girl.
Ross Geller: Yeah. You know what? I know what you mean; I do that too.
Paul Stevens: I beg your pardon?
Ross Geller: No! No! Not-I don't mean I-I see her as a twelve-year-old girl! I mean I-I have a son, who's umm six and I still think of him as a baby.
Paul Stevens: You have a son?
Ross Geller: Yeah, well my-my ex-wife and I share custody of Ben and umm, uh, and just so you know, Carol and I are on excellent terms as I'm sure you are with your wife! Oh, I'm sorry! It's unbelievable!
Paul Stevens: Don't worry about it, I just didn't realize you were married.
Rachel Green: Oh we were, but that was just a , I mean that was just a big drunken mistake.
Ross Geller: You're back.
Paul Stevens: You two were married?!
Rachel Green: Oh! Whoops! I'm sorry, you were talking about Emily!
Monica Geller: Chandler, we said we would meet at the coffeehouse at six.
Chandler Bing: We said seven!
Monica Geller: We said six!
Chandler Bing: The only way that I said six would be if the seven's, let meet at seven, not at six.
Monica Geller: Yeah and if I had seven, maybe I would've said something like this, "Wow! My boyfriend's such a wise ass-seven!"
Phoebe Buffay: Hi!
Chandler Bing: Oh my good God.
Monica Geller: Ugh!
Phoebe Buffay: I know what time you said.
Chandler Bing: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: Well actually, I know what time Chester and Marcia said.
Monica Geller: What time?
Phoebe Buffay: Quite an interesting turn of events, suddenly it's my book to the rescue, huh? Ooh, very interesting. Yeah, well this certainly clears things up.
Chandler Bing: What does it say?!
Phoebe Buffay: I will tell you as soon as you thank me for writing my book.
Chandler Bing: Thank you for writing your book. Its-its uh, great book and you are the queen of everything.
Phoebe Buffay: Thanks! So are you.
Chandler Bing: I told you I should not wear this color.
Phoebe Buffay: Mon... Marcia and Chester are planning on seeing a movie on Sunday night. Marcia thinks they're supposed to meet at six, Chester thinks it's at seven.
Chandler Bing: So you knew we were gonna miss the movie!
Phoebe Buffay: That's right.
Monica Geller: Inside of telling us you decided to write in your stupid book!
Phoebe Buffay: Marcia and Chester are mad at Phyllis.
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe I'm going to lose this job!
Chandler Bing: Oh I'm so sorry man! Is there anything I can do?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Help me get this mini-fridge past the security guard.
Wayne: Hey Joey, I want to talk to you.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah? Well, I don't want to talk to you Wayne! I hate you! You ruined my life! Oh, Chandler, Wayne. Wayne, Chandler.
Chandler Bing: Hi, how are ya?
Wayne: Joey, Joey, I-I-I'll g-get you your job back if you help me out.
Joey Tribbiani: Why should I help you?!
Chandler Bing: The reason he just said.
Joey Tribbiani: What do you need?
Wayne: I-I-I saw you on stage talking to that beautiful woman, y'know Sarah?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah?
Wayne: I wish I could talk to her.
Joey Tribbiani: What are you in love with her or something?
Wayne: Yeah. Her. All of them. Anyone.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I've been there my friend.
Wayne: Listen, I-I guarantee you keep your job if you can teach me how to talk to women like you do.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh wow Wayne, it's not really something you can teach y'know? It's pretty much something you're born with if you-You-you can teach it! I'll show you right how to do it.
Rachel Green: I mean if you think about it, I mean Ross did learn something from each marriage.
Paul Stevens: How to make the next one even shorter?
Rachel Green: Now wait a minute that's not fair. He was married to me a hell of a lot longer than he was married to Emily, he just didn't tell me. Maybe I have to pee again.
Paul Stevens: Well, this is fun. So Ross, did you kill any of these wives?
Ross Geller: Y'know what? I-I-I... I-I have had enough of this! Y'know, I-I-I care a great deal about your daughter and I have treated her with nothing but respect! So if-if you've got a problem with me, frankly...
Paul Stevens: Are you yelling at me?!
Ross Geller: God no!
Elizabeth Stevens: Y'know what daddy? If you don't like Ross, that's fine. It doesn't matter to me, I'm gonna go out with him anyway.
Paul Stevens: Really?!
Ross Geller: Well if it doesn't matter to her, it doesn't matter to me! Still not yelling!
Paul Stevens: Wow. What can I say? This doesn't make me like you any better!
Ross Geller: That's okay, I'm not so crazy about myself right now either.
Paul Stevens: Then we agree?
Ross Geller: Uh yeah, I guess-Yeah! I guess so.
Paul Stevens: Neither of us like Ross!
Elizabeth Stevens: I like Ross.
Ross Geller: Ohhh! Kids!
Rachel Green: Wait-wait-wait, I just thought of another story about how nice Ross is!
Ross Geller: That's okay Rach, we're not liking Ross right now.
Rachel Green: Oh! I've got a lot of those too!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, it turns out you were right C.H.E.E.S.E.
C.H.E.E.S.E.: The shipment never made it through Omaha?
Joey Tribbiani: You got it! And the rabbi's beard, 100% horsehair. Nice catch C.H.E.E.S.E.! It's your line C.H.E.E.S.E.! Wayne! Wayne!!


Phoebe Buffay: Hi, you guys.
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hi!
Rachel Green: What's the matter?
Phoebe Buffay: Well it's just-it's one of those situations that I just hate. Y'know? A massage client gave me three tickets to the Helmet-Pelts exhibit at the Morgan Chase museum.
Joey Tribbiani: Now you're thinking you gotta sleep with him.
Phoebe Buffay: No! No! It's just that he gave me three tickets and there are six of us!
Chandler Bing: I'll give up my ticket.
Joey Tribbiani: Me too.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay that's so generous!
Chandler Bing: And I think Ross is generous too.
Phoebe Buffay: Great! Okay then it's just us girls!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Rachel Green: So what-what is the exhibit.
Phoebe Buffay: It's mostly just photographs of lesbian love scenes interspersed with video games and free sandwiches.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh man!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Ross listen Chandler got you out of going to the lesbian sandwich museum this weekend!
Ross Geller: Thanks? But I have plans; Elizabeth and I are going out of town.
Monica Geller: Oh that's great!
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Monica Geller: I mean think about all the money that you're gonna make!
Ross Geller: Why? What?
Monica Geller: Well, her father pays you for baby-sitting right?
Ross Geller: No, no, that's funny. But maybe it's time to move on, let it go, y'know? Stop it! Besides, Rachel is going out with Elizabeth's father, so ah, he's much older than she is. Looks like I'm not the only one interested in fossils, huh?
Rachel Green: I mean Ross all that does is remind us that you are interested in fossils.
Ross Geller: Okay, okay. Uh, well uh, Rachel is going to need to yell sweet nothings in his ear.
Chandler Bing: Ross.
Ross Geller: Oh, come on you guys; that's funny! Y'know? Because he's need-he's got like a hearing aide y'know, 'cause-'cause y'know, 'cause he's all old, and...
Paul Stevens: Okay look, Ross, just so you know that since Lizzie likes you so much, I've decided to accept the fact that you're going out with her.
Ross Geller: Really? That okay, that's great.
Paul Stevens: Yeah. But then I changed my mind. I'm funny like that. So I told Lizzie, now I'm telling you, I don't want you seeing my daughter anymore.
Ross Geller: All right look, I-I realize it upsets you.
Paul Stevens: Yes it does.
Ross Geller: But, Elizabeth and I are-are both adults and so I don't think there's really anything you can do about it.
Paul Stevens: I'll call the university and tell them about your relationship and have you fired.
Ross Geller: Ohh! A man with a plan!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, this is so exciting! You get your picture back up on the wall of fame! Eek!
Joey Tribbiani: I know. It was so cool when I was up there before. Me and Jim Belushi would just be crackin' up about something... Then I get fired off of Days Of Our Lives and he takes me down. Now he's just laughing at me. Look at him, that smug Belushi bastard, I'll...
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, okay maybe they put your picture back up they can put you next to Matt Lauer. Look at him, smiling at me. Yeah I know; we'd be great together!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! So I'm back.
The Dry Cleaner: Who are you?
Joey Tribbiani: Joey Tribbiani! From the wall! Okay, maybe this will jog your memory, huh? Huh? Okay eh-ah-anyway, I'm ready to go back up on the wall I'm the star of a new TV show.
The Dry Cleaner: Show me in the table.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh well, it's not on TV yet.
The Dry Cleaner: Well, then it's not on the wall yet.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, fine, I will bring you a tape, huh?
Phoebe Buffay: So umm, now do you have any of Matt Lauer's clothes here? Maybe? Just ones that haven't been cleaned yet?
Monica Geller: Oh, I love museums!
Rachel Green: Umm.
Monica Geller: Soakin' up all the culture.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Monica Geller: Where do you want to start?
Rachel Green: Ooh, the gift shop!
Monica Geller: Yeah!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, and then lunch.
Rachel Green: Oh, wait yes, but I can't eat too much. Paul is taking me out to dinner tonight, he said he has a big surprise planned.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh wow. What, do you think maybe he's gonna tell you that he's gay?
Rachel Green: What?! No! Why?!
Phoebe Buffay: No reason! That would just be a really big surprise, right?
The Museum Official: You can put the aisle over here , and put the wedding ceremony right over here.
Rachel Green: I didn't know you could get married here.
Monica Geller: This would be a beautiful place to get married, yeah, but I wouldn't put the aisle there and I would never have the ceremony there! I mean you'd have the ceremony under this big beautiful arch.
The Museum Official: May I help you?
Rachel Green: Oh sorry didn't mean to interrupt. It's just such a beautiful space; do you do a lot of weddings here?
The Museum Official: Yes. We're very popular. There's a two-year waiting list. Sorry!
Rachel Green: Monica, you should totally put your name down on the list
Monica Geller: What?! Are you crazy?! I'm not getting married! I'm not even engaged.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but there's a two-year wait. And then what if you get engaged in two years and then you got to wait another two years for this place. That's four years. Chandler's not gonna wait that long. He's gonna find somebody else, y'know? Someone, someone who did put their name on the list.
Rachel Green: Yeah hon, it can't hurt to put your name down! I mean in if two years if you're not engaged you just don't use it.
Monica Geller: Well, I mean I guess there is no harm in putting my name down.
Rachel Green: I'm gonna do it too!
Phoebe Buffay: Me too!
Rachel Green: Really? Who would, who would you marry?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know, I don't have anyone right now. Y'know?
Rachel Green: Oh Pheebs.
Phoebe Buffay: Don't feel too sorry for me. At least my boyfriend isn't gay.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, that stuff is...
Phoebe Buffay: Don't even get me started on yours!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! So, did you watch the tape of my show?
The Dry Cleaner: I did.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, let's get me back up there!
The Dry Cleaner: No! It don't go up on the wall!
Joey Tribbiani: What-But you saw the show!
The Dry Cleaner: Yes, it was very offensive to my people!
Joey Tribbiani: Dry cleaners?
The Dry Cleaner: Russians! It showed them as terrorists and villains!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay! Okay, look! You-you-you got Harrison Ford up there!
The Dry Cleaner: That's right. Mr. Ford is a very good customer, he brings us a lot of clothes; you bring us nothing!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay well that may be true. But, in-in okay, Air Force One the Russians were terrorists! And evil! And plus he kills a bunch of them! That-that-that's offensive to Russians.
The Dry Cleaner: I've never seen it!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh you should, it's great.
Ross Geller: This place is really beautiful!
Elizabeth Stevens: Yeah, I've been coming here since I was a kid. This used to be my Grandma's.
Ross Geller: Wow! The only thing I got from my Grandmother was her eyes. I mean not-not her actual eyeballs, but, but people say that my eyes-Do-do you want to make out?
Elizabeth Stevens: Sure!
Elizabeth Stevens: Are you okay? What's wrong?
Ross Geller: Ehh, I was just, I was just thinking about your father.
Elizabeth Stevens: Well, whatever works for ya...
Ross Geller: No. No-no uh, he just, he just really freaked me out before.
Elizabeth Stevens: Oh. Well, so we have to hide our relationship from one more person. Big deal. Besides, it's kinda fun hiding.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Elizabeth Stevens: Hey umm, you brought protection right?
Ross Geller: Why?! Are there like bears or something?! Ohh. Oh, protection. Yeah-no, yeah-no, that-that-that I forgot.
Elizabeth Stevens: I'll just run to the store and get some.
Ross Geller: Oh no! Hey-hey, I'm the guy! I'll get it.
Elizabeth Stevens: Do you know where the store is?
Ross Geller: No.
Elizabeth Stevens: Do you want to ride around town on my little pink bicycle?
Ross Geller: A little bit.
Elizabeth Stevens: I'll be back in ten minutes.
Ross Geller: Okay.
Elizabeth Stevens: Why don't you get in the hot tub and I'll meet you there.
Ross Geller: Ohh, okay.
Rachel Green: Oh my God, what a great surprise! This is such a beautiful house.
Paul Stevens: Thank you, it's my mom's. So this is the kitchen.
Chandler Bing: You've reached Monica and Chandler's, if you're listening to this message, we're probably screening. Yeah we are.
The Museum Official: Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum. I'm calling for Monica Geller. I want to let her know that there was a cancellation and if she's still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility, it is available...
Chandler Bing: This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing! Yes, the groom-No! Not the groom!!
Rachel Green: It's so secluded up here.
Paul Stevens: I know. I like it up here.
Rachel Green: I feel like we're the only two people in the world. Oops. Sorry.
Paul Stevens: What's the matter honey? Did you see a little mouse?
Rachel Green: No-no! Big bear! Big bear outside! I think I-I-would you-actually, would you go check on that?
Paul Stevens: Honey, we don't have any bears here.
Rachel Green: Well, okay. Would-would you get me a Diet Coke?
Paul Stevens: Okay. I'll be right back.
Rachel Green: Okay. What?! What are you doing here?!
Ross Geller: What are you doing here?!
Rachel Green: I came with Paul!
Ross Geller: Yeah, I recognize the ankles!
Rachel Green: Get up!
Paul Stevens: Here you go honey!
Rachel Green: Ahh. Thank you!
Paul Stevens: Diet Coke.
Rachel Green: Op, ice. I need ice.
Paul Stevens: Okay.
Rachel Green: Thank you.
Paul Stevens: I'll be right back.
Ross Geller: You and your ice.
Rachel Green: Ugh! Get out! Get out! Go! Come on! No! Not in there! He's in there!
Ross Geller: Did you really hear a bear?
Rachel Green: Go-go!
Paul Stevens: Here you go honey. One Diet Coke with ice.
Rachel Green: Ohh, thank you.
Paul Stevens: I'm so happy that you're here.
Elizabeth Stevens: Here I am!
Paul Stevens: Elizabeth! Oh look, Elizabeth's here! Who are you talking to?
Elizabeth Stevens: Uh, you guys?
Paul Stevens: How did you know we were here?
Elizabeth Stevens: Umm...
Rachel Green: Well, she-she ob-obviously saw the tire tracks that were leading up to the closed garage.
Elizabeth Stevens: Obviously.
Paul Stevens: Elizabeth, what are you doing here?!
Rachel Green: Did-did you come up here to work on that term paper or something?
Elizabeth Stevens: Yeah! Yep.
Rachel Green: Well, why do y'know go in that room and do your homework?
Elizabeth Stevens: Ohh, I wouldn't do it in there. That's my dad's bedroom.
Rachel Green: That's your, that's your dad's bedroom. That's your dad's bedroom!
Paul Stevens: Why are you yelling?
Rachel Green: Whoa, that Diet Coke just went straight to my head! Woo!
Monica Geller: Hi, honey.
Chandler Bing: See you later.
Monica Geller: What? I-I bought groceries, I was gonna make you dinner!
Chandler Bing: Well next time ask! Or at least wait for me to ask!
The Museum Official: Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum. I'm calling for Monica Geller.
Monica Geller: Oh no!
The Museum Official: I want to let her know that there was a cancellation and if she's still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility, it is available...
Monica Geller: Oh please, he didn't hear it! He didn't hear it!!
Chandler Bing: This is Chandler Bing! This is Chandler Bing!
Monica Geller: NOOOO!!!!!!!!
Female Clerk: Can I help you?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh yeah, where-where's the guy who decides who's pictures go up on the wall?
Female Clerk: He's not here right now.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you're kidding me! All-all right, well make sure you tell him that Joey Tribbiani stopped by to drop off all of these clothes. Okay? I'm an actor; I'm kinda getting my picture up there on the wall.
Female Clerk: Y'know, there are two people who could put your picture up there.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh really? Well, maybe you and I go out for drinks? You're the other one right?
Paul Stevens: So Lizzie, are-are-are you planning on staying the night?
Elizabeth Stevens: Oh no-no believe me, I'm leaving as soon as possible!
Paul Stevens: Good. Good. Not that we don't want you to stay, obviously you're welcome-How much more homework do you have?
Elizabeth Stevens: Ahh, I just have one problem left that I do not know how to solve. Uhh, Rachel maybe you want to come upstairs and help me figure it out?
Rachel Green: Really? Okay. Okay, I-I'll go upstairs. If-if you get me something from the car.
Paul Stevens: What do you need from the car?
Rachel Green: Surprise me.
Paul Stevens: Okay.
Rachel Green: So you're gonna be in the car, I will be upstairs, and that's where everybody's gonna be!
Paul Stevens: Just relax. Just relax Paul, you're doing great. She likes you. She... Maybe, she likes you. She likes you. Y'know why? Because you're a neat guy. You are the man. You are the man! I still got it. Nice and sexy. You're just a love machine. I'm just a love machine and I won't work for nobody but you! Hey bab-y! Showtime. I'm just a love machine, yeah ba-by!
Monica Geller: Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah?
Monica Geller: Have you seen Chandler?!
Phoebe Buffay: No! Why?
Monica Geller: The woman from the museum called and said that there was a cancellation and that we could move up our wedding and Chandler heard! I know! How bad is this?!
Phoebe Buffay: Well for the regular guy, it's bad, but Chandler, Oh dear God!
Monica Geller: I know! I know! And he totally freaked out and I can't find him anywhere!
Phoebe Buffay: What are you gonna do?
Monica Geller: Well, I'm never gonna listen to you again, that's for sure! "Y'know, harm can it do if you go and put your name down?"
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel said that!
Monica Geller: Well Rachel's not here!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Here it is! Ooh, Joey! Why did you sign it, "Son of a bitch?"
Joey Tribbiani: I didn't do that! Who would've done that?!
The Dry Cleaner: Son of a bitch!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, maybe ask this guy.
The Dry Cleaner: You, get out of my shop!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, what did he do?
The Dry Cleaner: He went out with my wife!
Phoebe Buffay: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, I-I-Hey! I did not go out with your wife! Okay? I went out with her!
The Dry Cleaner: That's my wife!!! Get out!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, we should go.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Elizabeth Stevens: Ross? Ross?
Ross Geller: Elizabeth! Okay. Okay. I'm gonna go out this window. I'll meet you at the front door. Just tell them you're going home, okay?
Elizabeth Stevens: Okay!
Rachel Green: Oh wait-wait-wait!! No! Don't go in there! Don't go in there! I need another soda!
Paul Stevens: Ross!
Rachel Green: Oh my God Ross! What in heaven's name are you doing here?
Ross Geller: And that is why we cannot see each other anymore.
Paul Stevens: Ross. You and I are going to have to have a little talk.
Elizabeth Stevens: Daddy!
Paul Stevens: You're next!!
Elizabeth Stevens: Okay. I didn't know he was here.
Paul Stevens: Let me just see if I got this straight. I tell you to stay away from my daughter or I'll have you fired. What you heard was, "Take my daughter, come up to my country house, and ruin my weekend with Rachel!"
Ross Geller: Okay, please-please Paul, just let me explain...
Paul Stevens: No, let me explain! Fired!!
Ross Geller: All right, fine! Fine! Have me fired! But uh, I want you to know that you and I are not all that different. I mean, I too am a neat guy.
Paul Stevens: What?
Ross Geller: And I too am just a love machine.
Paul Stevens: Ross, let me show you where the guest room is.
Monica Geller: I'm so sorry. Please, stop freaking out.
Chandler Bing: I'm not freaking out. Why would I be freaking out? A woman named Heldi called and said we were getting married, but that happens everyday.
Monica Geller: Honey, we were at this beautiful place, and I-I-I just put our names down for fun! I mean, what's the harm in that?
Chandler Bing: Right here!
Monica Geller: Chandler, please don't think I was trying to pressure you. Phoebe and Rachel...
Chandler Bing: Phoebe and Rachel! So the people that knew about our wedding before me were you, Phoebe and Rachel, Heldi, and apparently some band called Starlight Magic 7 who are available by the way!
Monica Geller: It was a mistake. Please don't take this to mean anything, because it doesn't.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: Really?
Chandler Bing: Yes, if it really doesn't mean anything, because you know that I'm just not ready...
Monica Geller: I know! I know.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: I'm gonna go tell Joey that that you're back. I was really worried about you.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, did she buy it?
Chandler Bing: Totally.
Phoebe Buffay: So did Heldi show you the place?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, it's beautiful.
Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe you're gonna ask Monica to marry you!
Chandler Bing: I know.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Gunther.
Gunther: Hey! Take these cappuccinos to table 11 and that guy over there wants the biscotti.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh uh, well I just came in for a cup of coffee to go.
Gunther: Do you still work here?
Joey Tribbiani: No! No, I quit a long time ago. Did I forget to you that one? I'm sorry.
Gunther: Oh that's cool, I was gonna fire you anyway.
Joey Tribbiani: Great!


Chandler Bing: Pheebs, can you help me pick out an engagement ring for Monica? I can't figure this out! It's so hard! Should I get her a Tiffany cut or a Princess cut or a-ah-ah! Paper cut!
Phoebe Buffay: Now, have you told anyone else?
Chandler Bing: No, I don't want to tell anybody else because I don't want Monica to find out.
Phoebe Buffay: You told me.
Chandler Bing: Well, it's because I trust you, you're one of my best friends, and you walked in on me when I was looking at ring brochures.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah well, once again not knocking pays off. I only wish you hadn't been on the toilet.
Chandler Bing: Me too.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! So Chandler, wanna go to the coffeehouse?
Chandler Bing: Oh all right.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, coffeehouse.
Ross Geller: Oh perfect, we were just gonna see if you wanted to go.
Chandler Bing: Oh well, we don't because we got...the...other pl-place.
Ross Geller: How rude.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I'm sorry. You wanna bite?
Phoebe Buffay: So how are things going with Paul?
Rachel Green: Good. Although y'know, he-he's a private guy. Y'know, I wish I could get him to open up a little bit, share some feelings.
Phoebe Buffay: That's easy! You just have to think of him as a-as a jar of pickles that won't open.
Rachel Green: So what are you saying; I should run him under hot water and bang his head against a table?
Phoebe Buffay: No that's what you do when you want to get the truth out of someone.
Paul Stevens: Hi honey.
Rachel Green: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: Watch this.
Paul Stevens: How are you?
Rachel Green: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi Paul!
Paul Stevens: Hi Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: So how are things going with you?
Paul Stevens: Can't complain.
Paul Stevens: Come on.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Paul Stevens: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hi!
Paul Stevens: Ross!
Ross Geller: Great to see you!
Paul Stevens: Good to see you too!
Ross Geller: How you doing?
Paul Stevens: Good. Bye!
Ross Geller: Okay! You take care!
Ross Geller: Hey Pheebs, what-what was the deal with you and Chandler blowing us off before?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! That was so weird, huh?
Ross Geller: Phoebe, why'd you do it?
Phoebe Buffay: I didn't do it! It was Chandler! He's... He's mad at you!
Ross Geller: What?! Why?!
Phoebe Buffay: Please, I think you know why.
Ross Geller: I can't think of anything.
Phoebe Buffay: Come on Ross, you're a paleontologist, dig a little deeper.
Ross Geller: Wait a minute, is it because Joey and I didn't invite him to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago?
Phoebe Buffay: Do you think that's something that he'd be mad at you for?
Ross Geller: I guess it could.
Phoebe Buffay: Well then I think that's it.
Ross Geller: Well, if he's angry, he really shouldn't just cover it up. I-I wish he would just tell me the truth.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, if that's what you want you then you really should run his head under hot water and bang his head against a table.
Paul Stevens: Honey I made a reservation at China Garden, is that okay?
Rachel Green: Yeah that's great. But first, wait, talk to me, talk to me. Tell me about your day.
Paul Stevens: It was fine.
Rachel Green: Okay. Hey, what are you thinking? What are you thinking right now?
Paul Stevens: I'm thinking that you are looking really fine it that dress.
Rachel Green: Yeah that's great Paul, but y'know I wanna know what-Wow, those are really great! I just wanna know what, what is behind this-this strong, silent exterior. Y'know they say that still waters run deep and I wanna swim in yours.
Paul Stevens: Are you talking about having sex?
Rachel Green: No Paul, I don't know anything about you! Y'know, like-like your childhood! Tell me about your childhood!
Paul Stevens: Normal.
Rachel Green: Okay, well then how about puberty! Come on, that's always a painful time! Y'know your friends invite you to a slumber party and then they stick your hand in warm water while you're sleeping so that you pee in your sleeping bag.
Paul Stevens: Nope! That never happened to me!
Rachel Green: Well, you're lucky you never met that bitch Sharon Majesky. Anyway, umm... The rest of you life, y'know? Any regrets?
Paul Stevens: Nope.
Rachel Green: All right Paul, I'm not asking for a lot here. Okay? Just give me something. Anything!
Paul Stevens: Okay.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Paul Stevens: Okay.
Rachel Green: All right.
Paul Stevens: When I was six years old.
Rachel Green: Hm-mmm.
Paul Stevens: I wanted a big wheel. And instead my parents got me this little plastic chicken that you hop around on. It was embarrassing; kids made fun of me. That was a pretty tough year.
Rachel Green: That's-that's great! See? I already feel like I know you a little better! Thank you. Okay, come on. Now we can go eat. Let's go.
Paul Stevens: It was horrible. They called me chicken boy.
Rachel Green: Oh!
Paul Stevens: And in fifth grade I got into a fight. Well, it wasn't really a fight. Richard Darinvel bit me on the nose and, and I feel down. I still have a little scare right here you can see it.
Rachel Green: Yeah. Yeah, I-I-I see the scare. Listen, Paul, I think this is really great that-that y'know, you shared your feelings. It's really, it's beautiful, but umm, what do you say we go share some food?
Paul Stevens: Oh, I couldn't eat now.
Rachel Green: What?! Wait! What are you talking about?! You love their Kung Pao Chicken!
Paul Stevens: Chicken? Chicken boy!
Rachel Green: My God, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do that! I wouldn't do that!
Chandler Bing: Nothin! This is the nine millionth ring store we've been too and I can't find the perfect ring! Ugly ring! Ugly ring! Ugly ring! It's a beautiful selection.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so maybe you don't get her a ring. Maybe you-maybe you do something different. Y'know? Maybe you get her an engagement bracelet, y'know? Or an engagement tiara? Or-ooh! An engagement Revolutionary War musket! (Picks one up from the display in the corner.
Chandler Bing: Y'know, I'm so glad I picked you to help me with this.
Phoebe Buffay: Huh? Can you just imagine getting down on one knee and handing her this gorgeous piece of weaponry?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I'm gonna stick with the ring. Oh, this one's nice! I like this one! Sir? Uh, kind sir? Can I see this one?
Phoebe Buffay: Wait a minute, no, this is, this is the reason you brought me. Okay? I know how to haggle. So let me handle this from here on out.
Male Jeweler: Can I help you?
Chandler Bing: Uh-uh, yes. I would like to see that ring please.
Phoebe Buffay: Or not, whatever.
Male Jeweler: This ring is from the 1920s, it's a one and a half carat diamond with sapphires on either side.
Chandler Bing: Sir, can I ask you to umm, could you...hold out that ring and ask me to marry you?
Male Jeweler: Okay. Will you marry me?
Chandler Bing: Oh my God that's it, that's the ring! How much is it?
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, I-I will handle this! How much is it?
Male Jeweler: 8,600.
Phoebe Buffay: We will give you $10.
Male Jeweler: Are you interested in this ring?!
Chandler Bing: Yes! Yes, but I can only pay $8,000.
Male Jeweler: Okay, I can let it go at eight.
Phoebe Buffay: We stand firm at $10.
Male Jeweler: How would you like to pay?
Chandler Bing: Uh, credit card. Oh no! No-no, but I left my credit card with Joey. Okay, I'll go get it. You guard the ring.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Listen, I'm sorry about before. Do you have anything her for $10.
Male Jeweler: Uh yes, I have these two rather beautiful $5 bills.
Phoebe Buffay: I'll give you $1 for them.
Ross Geller: Hey, remember how Chandler and Phoebe blew us off yesterday?
Joey Tribbiani: No.
Ross Geller: Remember? You-you were eating pizza.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Okay. Well, apparently Chandler's angry at us for not getting him a ticket to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, we're supposed to just get him a ticket?! That guy is always mooching off of us!
Ross Geller: Yeah! Anyway, I-I still think we should try to patch things up, y'know? Like uh, maybe we could get him to get tickets to another Knicks game and invite him.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh wow that's a great idea! And I still have his credit card.
Gunther: Here you go.
Ross Geller: Oh.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey-hey-ho-ho, I got this one. Here you go. Y'know I gotta tell ya, sometimes I just-I don't get Chandler. Y'know, me and him do stuff all the time without you and you don't get all upset.
Ross Geller: All the time?
Joey Tribbiani: All the time!
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Oh my God!!
Monica Geller: Still crying?
Rachel Green: Like a little girl. I know. I know. I know. This is all my fault; I wanted him to open up. But God, I didn't know that I was gonna unleash this-this weepy, clingy, moist monster!
Monica Geller: Y'know, I only know of two surefire ways to shut a man up. And one of them is sex.
Rachel Green: What's the other one?
Monica Geller: I don't know, I've never had to use the other one. I'm just saying y'know, if we're having sex, he's not gonna be talking.
Rachel Green: Oh that's right. You're the talker. Anyway uh, great idea! Umm, I gotta go to the store; I told him that I would buy him some more tissues.
Monica Geller: Oh, we have some...
Rachel Green: No you don't!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay umm, I'd also like to try on the tiara. Oh yeah. Okay. What do you think, too much?
Male Jeweler: A tad.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Then, take the tiara back and let me hold the musket again. Something's missing. It's not... Okay oh, let me see the ring my friend picked out.
Male Jeweler: Where's the 1920s princess cut ring.
Female Jeweler: I just sold it to that gentleman.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God!! No! What?! Help me! Let me out! Now!
Paul Stevens: Rachel?
Chandler Bing: No. How are ya Paul?
Paul Stevens: Okay. Chandler, did your dad ever hug you?
Chandler Bing: No, did he hug you?!
Paul Stevens: No! No! It's just that, my dad never did. I miss my dad.
Chandler Bing: Well, you can see my dad in Vegas kissing other dads.
Paul Stevens: Hey Chandler?
Chandler Bing: Yeah?
Paul Stevens: Would you...Would you hug me?
Chandler Bing: I'm a little busy here Paul.
Paul Stevens: That's exactly what my dad used to say!
Chandler Bing: Okay, a quick one. Come on hug it out. Oh hey! There you go. Okay.
Paul Stevens: Five more seconds.
Chandler Bing: Okay!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Paul Stevens: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-whoa-hey-hey! Hi, Paul is it?
Chandler Bing: Do you have my credit card?
Joey Tribbiani: Yes, it's in my... In...in my pocket. My back pocket! My back pocket!
Chandler Bing: Thank God!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh hey listen I got us tickets to a Knicks game tonight.
Chandler Bing: Oh, I can't go.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on! It'll be fun! Me, you, and Ross, and... Paul probably...
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, I found the perfect ring.
Chandler Bing: Oh, that's uh, that's pretty nice but I'm gonna go with the one I picked first.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God Chandler, the one you picked is gone. It's over!
Chandler Bing: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Some guy bought it. I'm sorry. I tired to stop it but they put me in jail!
Chandler Bing: They put you in jail?
Phoebe Buffay: The little jail between the doors!
Chandler Bing: Phoebe, I asked you to guard the ring!
Phoebe Buffay: I know, I'm sorry! But y'know, this ring is better! Monica never even saw the other ring.
Chandler Bing: Yeah but when he proposed to me with the ring I got goose bumps.
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe it was the guy.
Chandler Bing: It was the ring!
Ross Geller: Hey! So uh, was he excited about the tickets?
Joey Tribbiani: No! He blew us off!
Ross Geller: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: I know!
Ross Geller: I can't believe it. Can I tell you something? I'm a little mad at him now.
Joey Tribbiani: Can I tell you something? Me too.
Ross Geller: Y'know what? He didn't want to talk to us about being angry, well maybe we don't talk to him at all!
Joey Tribbiani: Ooooh! Freeze him out.
Ross Geller: That's right!
Joey Tribbiani: I like it!
Ross Geller: Eh? We'll show him!
Joey Tribbiani: From now on, it's gonna be Joey and Ross, best friends. Okay! We're gonna be the new Joey and Chandler.
Rachel Green: Hi. I'm back.
Paul Stevens: Hey! I have so much more to tell ya, I've written it all down!
Rachel Green: Ah that's great. No actually that's... That's great! That's really great! Y'know, I gotta tell ya writing, I mean writing, gets me uh, gets me kinda hot.
Paul Stevens: Wait! Wait! Listen! Listen to this! Y'know what I wanted to be when I was that age?
Rachel Green: A lover?
Paul Stevens: A surfer.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah surfer?
Paul Stevens: I wanted to be one with the waves, y'know?
Rachel Green: Okay, hold on real quick, hold on a second let me just uh, get a little more comfortable here. Wait, now wait a second, this isn't too revealing is it?
Paul Stevens: No. What ever happened to that little dude. So full of dreams...
Rachel Green: I don't care about the little dude! I can't! I cannot listen to anymore of this! Y'know, the only person who would want to listen to this is a mental health professional! And then it's only because they get paid $100 an hour! Do you know how much money I could've made listening to you? $2,000! And do you know when I figured that out? While you were talking!
Paul Stevens: What?! I can't believe you're trying to stifle me! When just 14 hours ago we figured out that that is exactly what my mother was trying to do to me!
Rachel Green: Oh... I'm sorry. I... I-I don't mean-I didn't mean to stifle you. I... This is all just a little overwhelming.
Paul Stevens: Oh Rachel, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to overwhelm you. It's just that, when those gates open, you... Hard to close 'em. But they are closed now. Believe me.
Rachel Green: I'm so glad, I'm so glad you shared. And I'm glad that you're done. What do you say we umm...
Paul Stevens: I would really like that.
Paul Stevens: That was...so good.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Chandler Bing: I can't believe I let you talk me into buying this stupid gumball machine looking ring!
Phoebe Buffay: It's not a stupid gumball machine looking ring! It's a beautiful ring!
Chandler Bing: No, it's not! When I looked at the other ring I could see Monica's face when I gave it to her, y'know? And I could see her saying yes. When I look at this ring, all I see is a ring! Unless I look at it really closely and then I can see my own eye. Look, this is the most important thing I'm gonna do in my life. I wanna make sure it's perfect.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. There may be a way that we can get the other ring back. 'Cause I heard the guy tell the jeweler where he was going to propose. So maybe we can get him to trade rings or something.
Chandler Bing: I can't do that.
Phoebe Buffay: Well you certainly can't give her that stupid gumball ring.
Phoebe Buffay: There he is!
Chandler Bing: Okay and he hasn't proposed yet because she has no ring on her finger.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! You're good! After this, we should solve crimes.
Chandler Bing: Yeah! Okay, go, go, go get him.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay. Excuse me sir? Could you come with me please? You have a phone call.
Customer: Who is it?
Phoebe Buffay: It is your office.
Customer: Do you know who at my office?
Phoebe Buffay: John?
Customer: Oh John! Great!
Phoebe Buffay: Here he is.
Chandler Bing: Hi! Hi. Okay, there was a slight mix-up at the jewelry store, the ring you're about to propose with was supposed to be held for me. So, I'm gonna need to have that back. But, in exchange I'm willing to trade you this beautiful, more expensive ring. Ew.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! I would trade.
Customer: It is beautiful, but I'm gonna use this one. Now, if you'll excuse me.
Chandler Bing: No-no! This is my fiancee and her heart was set on that ring. You don't want to break her heart now do you?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, do you want to break a dying woman's heart?
Customer: You're dying?!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, she's dying... Of a cough apparently.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, and it is my dying wish to have that ring. See, if I'm not buried with that ring then my spirit is going to wander the nether world for all eternity...
Chandler Bing: Okay, that's enough honey!
Customer: I don't know. Let me see the ring.
Chandler Bing: Great! Okay, here.
Customer: All right.
Chandler Bing: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! And you are about to marry a wonderful man! Hey! I'm marrying a dead woman!
Chandler Bing: Guys? I've got something important to tell ya. Guys? Guys?! I'm gonna ask Monica to marry me.
Joey Tribbiani: I think we gotta end the freeze out.
Ross Geller: Wait a minute, is this, is this for real?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, check out the ring.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God!!
Ross Geller: So you two are really serious?!
Chandler Bing: Yep, pretty much.
Ross Geller: You-you're gonna get married?! I mean... We're gonna be brothers-in-law!
Joey Tribbiani: And-and-and-and-and-and, and we're gonna be friends again!
Chandler Bing: Heyyyy-What?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh it's water under the bridge, forget it!
Chandler Bing: Okay! I was gonna wait 'til uh, it was official y'know? But I got so excited I just had to tell you guys because you're my best friends.
Joey Tribbiani: I think I'm gonna cry!
Rachel Green: Ugh! No more crying! Please! I just dumped one cry baby, I'll dump you too!
Chandler Bing: I'm gonna ask Monica to marry me.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh Chandler!! You guys are gonna be so happy!
Chandler Bing: I know.
Joey Tribbiani: Where's all the tissues?!
Chandler Bing: Check out the ring.
Rachel Green: Nice! One and a half carat easy.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi.
Ross Geller: Hey-hey Pheebs!
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Ross Geller: Chandler's gonna ask Monica to marry him!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh I know, I helped pick out the ring.
Ross Geller: You told her before you told us?
Chandler Bing: Well, she walked in when I was looking at the ring brochures. You can understand that, right? Guys? Guys?