Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: Good morning, Tiger! I'm making you a nice big breakfast so you can keep up your strength for tonight. You're gonna get me good and pregnant.
Chandler Bing: I've got nowhere to go this morning. I'm unemployed! I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life.
Monica Geller: Well, I just lost my erection.
Chandler Bing: I mean, what am I supposed to do with myself?
Monica Geller: You're supposed to find your passion in life. You can be whatever you wanna be now. It's exciting.
Chandler Bing: But it's all so overwhelming. I don't know where to start.
Monica Geller: Hey, wait a second. I can help you with this. You just need to be organized. We can make a list of your qualifications, and categorize jobs by industry. There could be folders and files!
Chandler Bing: Hey! This is where your hyper-organized-pain-in-the-ass stuff pays off!
Monica Geller: I know!!! My erection is back!
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you!
Phoebe Buffay: Joey, can I have a sip of your coffee and a bite of your muffin?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Phoebe Thank you. Thank you!
Joey Tribbiani: : Pheebs, have you ever been bitten by a hungry Italian?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, it's just, I'm a little short on cash.
Joey Tribbiani: If you want I could loan you some money?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, no, no. I learned never to borrow money from friends. No, that's why Richard Dreyfuss and I don't speak anymore.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey, how about this? Wanna be an extra on my show?
Phoebe Buffay: You could do that?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah. The pay is pretty good and you could do it for as long as you need.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my god, I'm gonna be on TV!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, now. I gotta tell you, being on TV isn't as glamorous and exciting as you think.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, really?
Joey Tribbiani: No it is awesome!
Ross Geller: Hi guys.
Everyone:
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! Hey, why are you all dressed up?
Ross Geller: Rachel and I are bringing Emma to Ralph Lauren today to introduce her to everyone. Doesn't she look cute?
Joey Tribbiani: She sure does. Why does she have a pink bow taped to her head?
Rachel Green: Well, because if one more person says "what a cute little boy" I'm gonna whip them with a car antenna!
Ross Geller: I think she's gonna be the hit of the office, huh? She's gonna be hotter than peasant blouses and A-line skirts. Can I get a blue bow?
Monica Geller: Okay, I have looked through a bunch of career guides, photocopied and highlighted key passages and put them into alphabetical folders so you can make an informed decision.
Chandler Bing: How long was I in there?
Monica Geller: Okay. Let us start with the A's. Advertising.
Chandler Bing: Wait. Advertising! That's a great idea!
Monica Geller: Don't you want to look through the rest?
Chandler Bing: I don't think I have to hear the rest. Advertising makes perfect sense. Sorry you had to waste all this time, though.
Monica Geller: You call eight hours alone with my label maker wasted time? Ooh, now I get to use my shredder!
Chandler Bing: I mean, I can write slogans. I mean, how hard can it be, right? "Cheese. It's milk that you chew." "Crackers. Because your cheese needs a buddy." "A grape. Because who can get a water melon in your mouth?"
Monica Geller: I got one. "Socks. Because your family's feet deserve the best."
Chandler Bing: Honey? Leave it to the pros.
Monica Geller: I actually know someone in advertising. I grew up with this guy who is a vice president at a big agency. Maybe I can get him to meet you? Give me the phone.
Chandler Bing: "The phone. Bringing you closer to people...who have phones."
Monica Geller: "Marriage. It's not for everybody."
Rachel Green: That went well. Almost everybody knew that she was a girl.
Ross Geller: Yeah, after you punched that one guy who got it wrong, word spread.
Rachel Green: I'm just gonna go in my office and pick up some stuff . Who the hell are you!?
Guy: Who the hell are you?
Rachel Green: I'm the hell person whose office this is!
Ross Geller: Good one, Rach.
Guy: I'm Gavin Mitchell, the person who's taken over your job.
Rachel Green: Excuse me?
Gavin Mitchell: Oh, your baby's so cute. Why did you put a pink bow on a boy?
Phoebe Buffay: Joey, look at me! I'm a nurse!
Joey Tribbiani: Yes you are. I think it may be time for my sponge bath. Sorry, I'm just so used to hitting on the extras. So, are you excited about your scene?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! But I'm a little shaky and nervous.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, relax. Don't be. You'll be fine, you'll be fine. They'll probably just make you stand in the back.
Director: Okay, okay, okay! You. Here, come here, here. You're gonna take this tray, you're gonna stay on this yellow mark. You're gonna move on "action!" You're gonna walk over to the operating table. You're gonna stop on that blue mark, you're gonna put the tray down. Don't walk too fast! But don't doddle.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, now. What?
Director: And...Action!!
Director: Cut! Cut!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just a little nervous.
Director: Well, don't be.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, that helps.
Director: And...Action!
Director: Cut!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you know what? Don't worry, Pheebs! It usually takes me three takes too! Alright, eight.
Director: And...Action!
Interviewer: So, do you have any other question about advertising?
Chandler Bing: No, no. But let me show you what I can do. "Bagels and donuts. Round food for every mood."
Interviewer: Monica warned me you might do that. I actually think we might have something for you at the agency.
Chandler Bing: Really? That's great!
Interviewer: It's an unpaid internship.
Chandler Bing: It's funny. When you said "unpaid" it sounded like you said "unpaid."
Interviewer: Come on now. Monica has a good job. And it's not like you have a family to support.
Chandler Bing: Actually, we're trying, and I don't think Monica's gonna wanna postpone it. We're supposed to have sex tonight. Actually, she's probably at home naked right now. I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me. I can just picture her on the bed right now.
Interviewer: Stop!
Interviewer: Okay.
Rachel Green: Wait a minute! What do you mean, you're taking over my job?
Gavin Mitchell: Well, while you were on your baby vacation I was doing your job.
Rachel Green: A vacation? My idea of a vacation does not involve something sucking on my nipples until they are raw.
Gavin Mitchell: Clearly you've never been to Sandles Paradise Island.
Rachel Green: Alright! Don't get too comfortable there, because I'm back in two weeks! And I want everything back to the way it was. I can't say that I care too much for the way you've rearranged my office.
Gavin Mitchell: I can't say I care too much for that smell you've brought in with you.
Rachel Green: Excuse me?
Ross Geller: Rach we have a code brown situation.
Rachel Green: Can you please, please take care of it for me?
Ross Geller: Alright, but you have to do one sometime.
Rachel Green: Let me just get this straight! So I go have a baby and they send some guy in to do my job?
Gavin Mitchell: Well, there was talk of shutting down Ralph Lauren all together.
Rachel Green: That's right. You're very cheeky for a temp.
Gavin Mitchell: I'm not a temp. I was transferred here from another department.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah, what department was that? The Jerk department?
Gavin Mitchell: Oh, they didn't tell me about your quick wit.
Rachel Green: Did they mention that I'm rubber and you're glue?
Mr. Zelner: Gavin, Ralph loved your ideas.
Rachel Green: Oh, hi Mr. Zelner.
Mr. Zelner: Rachel, I see you've met Gavin. I must say, when you left us we weren't sure what we were gonna do. But then, Gavin to the rescue. Super Gavin!
Rachel Green: That's great. So now, Super Gavin, when I come back where are you planning on flying off to?
Gavin Mitchell: Well, that's up to Mr. Zelner. I'm sure he will make the right decision.
Rachel Green: Oh, wow. Super ass-kissing power.
Mr. Zelner: Incidentally, when are you coming back?
Rachel Green: Today.
Gavin Mitchell: You said two weeks.
Rachel Green: No, I said today! See, for a superhero, not so much with the listening.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey. So, what did he say?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, he can be a little rough around the edges, so I'm gonna replace a word he used a lot, with the word "puppy." Okay, So He Said "If your puppy friend doesn't get her puppy act together, I'm gonna fire her mother-puppy ass."
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, I can't do this. I'm not an actor.
Joey Tribbiani: That's right, you're not. You're a nurse. You're Nurse With Tray.
Phoebe Buffay: Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: No, no. Nurse With Tray doesn't know Joey, she doesn't have time for friends. She gets in that operating room and she carries that tray to the doctor, because if she doesn't, people die!
Phoebe Buffay: Who dies?
Joey Tribbiani: Man With Eye Patch! You get in there and you do your job.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, doctor.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Director: Okay, let's try this one more time.
Phoebe Buffay: Hang in there, Man With Eye Patch, your tray is coming!
Director: And...Action!
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, I did it!!! I nailed it!!! Yay! What's next?
Director: The rest of the scene.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, from the top, people!
Rachel Green: Listen. Sudden change of plans. My maternity leave just ended. They told me that if I didn't come back today, they were gonna fire me.
Ross Geller: What? No, that's illegal. I'm gonna have the labor department down her so fast they won't even...
Rachel Green: Alright, alright. Calm down Norma Rae. They didn't actually say that. I'm just afraid if I don't come back right now this guy's gonna try to squeeze me out.
Ross Geller: What about Emma? We don't have a nanny.
Rachel Green: I know. You know, we're just gonna have to figure out a plan tonight. Can you please just take care of her for today?
Ross Geller: Absolutely. Just give me your breast and we'll be on our way.
Rachel Green: Come on, I don't know what else to do.
Ross Geller: Fine, fine. We'll have fun, won't we? Yes, we will, yes we will.
Rachel Green: Ross?
Ross Geller: Huh?
Rachel Green: You're pretty.
Chandler Bing: Whatever I decide to do, I'm gonna be starting a career from scratch. It's gonna be a while before I make a living at it. Maybe now is not the right time to be starting a family.
Ross Geller: So you have to tell Monica you don't want to have a baby right now?
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Good-bye.
Monica Geller: Okay, it's baby time. Pants off Bing. Didn't see you there Geller.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, Ross is here so...
Ross Geller: Yeah, and I was really hoping that I could hang out. What do you feel like doing?
Monica Geller: We're gonna have sex.
Ross Geller: I don't feel like having sex. Maybe we can watch a movie or something.
Monica Geller: Let me put it this way. We're having sex whether you're here or not.
Ross Geller: Pants off Bing!
Rachel Green: Alright. Now that I'm back, why don't you just fill me in on what you've been up to?
Gavin Mitchell: Well, I've changed your screensaver from that picture of *Nsync.
Rachel Green: Hey, they were popular when I left!
Gavin Mitchell: Also, I've just been working on this big presentation for tomorrow.
Rachel Green: Well, I should be involved in that, so why don't you get me up to speed?
Gavin Mitchell: That's gonna take weeks. Why don't just let me take care of the presentation?
Rachel Green: Oh, no no no no. I see what you're doing here, alright, listen, this is my job buddy. Okay, I've had it for five years, and I know how it works, so why don't you just catch me up!
Gavin Mitchell: Fine.
Rachel Green: Oh god. You've totally messed with the back support of my chair. How do you fix this?
Gavin Mitchell: Hey, you've been here five years, you figure it out.
Rachel Green: Fine, I will. Alright, fill me in!
Ross Geller: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Ross Geller: You have a blue tie that would go with this? Emma spit up on mine.
Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah. But you have to give it back if I get a job. Of course, by that time in the future ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jump suits.
Monica Geller: Hi, good morning lover. I gotta say after last night, I'm a little weak in the knees.
Ross Geller: Here's an idea. You walk into a room...take a quick scan!
Monica Geller: Sorry. But I kind of have this feeling that we may have made a baby last night.
Chandler Bing: Oh god, I have to tell you something. You're not pregnant.
Monica Geller: What are you talking about?
Chandler Bing: That thing that I have to do to make a baby. I faked it.
Monica Geller: What!? You faked it?
Ross Geller: You know what? I don't need a tie. I mean, it's better, open collar. You know, it's more casual.
Phoebe Buffay: Joey, listen. I can't do this, it doesn't make any sense. Yesterday I was a nurse, and today I'm a waitress at a cafe?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, sometimes we use the same extras for different parts. It's okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, it's not okay, because I gave a very memorable performance as the nurse. And now suddenly I'm the waitress? That's gonna confuse my fans.
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe you are a nurse, but you moonlight as a waitress.
Phoebe Buffay: Uhuh. Because I'm a single mother, supporting my two children.
Joey Tribbiani: Nice.
Phoebe Buffay: Wait a minute. Dr. Drake Ramoray and I work at the same hospital. Wouldn't I come over to say hi to him?
Joey Tribbiani: No, no. See, you and Drake are having a fight.
Phoebe Buffay: About what?
Joey Tribbiani: He slept with you and then never called you.
Phoebe Buffay: And I just wanted a new daddy for Davy and Becky.
Director: Okay, okay, from the top. And...Action!
Man: So, I'm surprised you agreed to have lunch with me.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: I'm surprised to, but yet here I am.
Director: Cut, cut! What are you doing!?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, well, I'm very angry at him, because he slept with me and never called me back.
Extra: Me too!
Another Extra: Me too!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, calm down! She means on the show! We need some new extras around here!
Gavin Mitchell: Wow, you're here already.
Rachel Green: Yes. Emma and I came in a little early to do research on the presentation. I actually made a few changes, but I think I'm caught up on everything. So ask me anything!
Gavin Mitchell: How do you fix the chair?
Rachel Green: Except that! Oh, hello, Mr. Zelner. We're all ready for our presentation this afternoon.
Mr. Zelner: Good, because it's in ten minutes.
Rachel Green: What? I can't do that! I have the baby, and Ross is not gonna pick her up for another hour.
Mr. Zelner: Well, then Gavin can give the presentation, okay, we have to do it now. Ralph needs to leave early today. He's going helicopter shopping.
Rachel Green: Well, there you go. You win, you win. You get to do the presentation, you'll knock 'em dead, no one will ever remember that I worked here, and then Ralph will buy his helicopter, and Super Gavin will just fly right along side of him!
Gavin Mitchell: You can do the presentation.
Rachel Green: No, I can't, I have a baby.
Gavin Mitchell: I'll watch her.
Rachel Green: Why would you do that?
Gavin Mitchell: Because you've worked really hard, and it's your job, and you're a little crazy.
Rachel Green: That's really nice.
Gavin Mitchell: I should tell you that crying women make me very uncomfortable.
Rachel Green: Then you're not gonna like what's coming. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Thank you, thank you.
Gavin Mitchell: I'm really fine, don't worry, I'm great with children. Gavin Mitchell. Pleased to meet you.
Joey Tribbiani: Please don't fire my friend. Just let me talk to her.
Director: Okay, okay. But this is her last chance.
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you, thank you. How about I do something for you? Tomorrow, I'll bring you a hat, cover up the bald?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, listen Pheebs. I was just talking to the director, and he was thinking, maybe this time you don't hit Drake, you just wait on the tables?
Phoebe Buffay: I can't do that. I'm an actor. I have a process.
Joey Tribbiani: You're a masseuse. You have a table with a hole in it.
Phoebe Buffay: Wait a minute, I see what's happening here. You're threatened.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I'm so good in this scene that I'm stealing focus from you. Well, rise to the challenge Tribianni 'cause I just raised the bar. Come join me up here!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you can fire her, but I would call security, she won't go easy.
Monica Geller: You faked it? You couldn't have faked it!
Chandler Bing: Oh yes you can. You just make the faces and the noises.
Monica Geller: Guys can fake it? Unbelievable. The one thing that's ours! Besides, why would you fake it when we're trying to have a baby?
Chandler Bing: That's actually why. Look, I'm starting a whole new career now, and I'm not saying that I don't want to have a baby, I'm just saying maybe we could wait a little while.
Monica Geller: Like a month?
Chandler Bing: Or a year?
Monica Geller: Really, you want to wait a year?
Chandler Bing: It could be less than a year. I mean, you've heard my stuff. "Pants. Like shorts, but longer." It'll probably be more than a year.
Monica Geller: I really wanna have a baby.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, me too. Look, I'll just get my old job back.
Monica Geller: No, I want you to have a job that you love. Not statistical analysis and data reconfiguration.
Chandler Bing: I quit and you learn what I do?
Monica Geller: It's just, I think, there's never gonna be a right time to have a baby. I mean, now you're unemployed and in a little while you'll find a new job that'll keep you really busy. There's always gonna be a reason not to do this, but I think once the baby comes, forget about all those reasons.
Chandler Bing: I guess. It's always gonna be scary when we have a baby.
Monica Geller: It's gonna be really scary. I mean, god. When we have a baby, there's gonna be so much that we're not able to control. I mean, the apartment's gonna be a mess, I won't have time to clean it. What if the baby gets into the ribbon drawer? Messes up all the ribbons?! What if there's no room for a ribbon drawer, because the baby's stuff takes up all the space!? Where will all the ribbons go!?!
Chandler Bing: Should we go make a baby right now before you change your mind?
Monica Geller: Yes, please!
Chandler Bing: Oh, and I promise, I will not fake it this time.
Monica Geller: I wish I could say the same. I'm a little shook up!
Dr. Drake Ramoray: I know you botched that operation on purpose. I can't prove it yet, but when I do, you'll be going to jail for murder. I don't care if you are my brother.
Man: I'm not your brother.
Phoebe Buffay: What about my children Drake?! Huh!? No!! No!! No! God!


Chandler Bing: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey. So where's Mon?
Chandler Bing: Oh, she's at home, putting up decorations for Rachel's birthday party tonight.
Joey Tribbiani: And you're not helping?
Chandler Bing: I tried, but apparantly singing "I will survive" in a helium voice - not helping.
Ross Geller: Hey you guys!
Rachel Green: Shhh don't say that loud, Gunther's gonna want to hug me.
Ross Geller: Uh, good news everyone, we finally found a nanny. This is Molly . Molly, Chandler, Joey.
Molly: Hi.
Ross Geller: Ooh, somebody's getting a little fussy.
Joey Tribbiani: You damn right I am, I've been waiting for a cookie for 7 minutes.
Rachel Green: Ok, you know what, I'm just gonna take her outside.
Molly: No, you stay, I'll do it .
Rachel Green: OK, thank you.
Molly: Nice to meet you guys .
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you too.
Rachel Green: Oh, wow, Molly is just great!
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Yes, Bravo on the hot nanny.
Rachel Green: What? You really think she's hot?
Chandler Bing: Are you kidding? If I wasn't married she'd be rejecting me right now.
Rachel Green: And Joey?
Joey Tribbiani: How do you think she's doing?
Rachel Green: Am I the only one who doesn't think that she's hot? Ross?
Ross Geller: Eh, I mean, I mena she's not unattractive but hot? I ...
Rachel Green: Thank you!
Chandler Bing: Now that Rachel's gone?
Rachel Green: So hot I cried myself to sleep last night.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey Mike, what's the capital of Peru?
Mike Hannigan: Lima.
Phoebe Buffay: No. It starts with a "v" and ends with an "x". Helpfully with a "to" in the middle.
Mike Hannigan: You know, kinda think of it, the capital of Peru IS "vtox". Oh god! Oh!
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Mike Hannigan: OK, I don't want to freak you out or anything, but I think I just saw a rat in your cupboard.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, whew, no, that's Bob.
Mike Hannigan: What, is he your pet rat?
Phoebe Buffay: Well not so much a pet as, you know, an occasional visitor who I put food out for, you know. Kinda like Santa. Except Santa doesn't poop on the plate of cookies.
Mike Hannigan: You can't keep a rat in your appartment! They're extremely unsanitary, and they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus.
Phoebe Buffay: What are those?
Mike Hannigan: I don't know but they don't sound like spa treatments. You have to get rid of it!
Phoebe Buffay: OK, fine, if it means that much to you I'll get rid of Bob.
Mike Hannigan: Thank you.
Phoebe Buffay: So weird, you think he's so gross and you're willing to eat his crackers.
Rachel Green: Hello.
Gavin Mitchell: Hello.
Rachel Green: Gavin, I just wanted to say thank you again for watching Emma yesterday during the presentation. I really owe you an appology.
Gavin Mitchell: For what?
Rachel Green: Well, when we first met, you know, I thought you were pompous and arrogant and obnoxious ...
Gavin Mitchell: Is this your first appology?
Rachel Green: No, I just mean that, you know, first impressions don't mean anything. And I-I think you're a really good guy and I'm sorry that I misjudged you.
Heather: Good morning!
Rachel Green: Hello. But you know what, hey, new day, new leaf, I am just really really happy ... I'm sorry, obviously Heather's ass has something more important to say so I'll just wait 'till it's finished.
Gavin Mitchell: What?
Rachel Green: I was giving you an appology and you were totally checking her out!
Gavin Mitchell: I wasn't checking her out. I'm in fashion, I was looking at her skirt. Or was it pants? I didn't really see what happened below the ass area.
Rachel Green: Oh wow, you are really, you're really a creep.
Gavin Mitchell: Why do you even care if I was looking at her? Are you jealous?
Rachel Green: Oh yeah, I'm jealous. "Oh Gavin, please, please look at my ass". Stop looking at my ass! I mean, I just think you are totally inappropriate, ok? This is a work environment, she's your subordinate.
Gavin Mitchell: I thought it was ok when you slept with your old assistant Tag.
Rachel Green: That is totally different for two reasons. One - I didn't know that you knew that. And two, I wasn't some creep staring at his ass, we had a deap meaningful relationship.
Gavin Mitchell: Huh. What's Tag's last name?
Rachel Green: It was ... oh my god. He didn't have a last name. It was just "Tag". You know, like Cher, or, you know, Moses.
Gavin Mitchell: But it was a deap meaningful relationship.
Rachel Green: Oh, you know what - my first impression of you was absolutely right. You are arrogant, you are pompous ... Morgan! Morgan! Tag's last name was Morgan! Huh!
Gavin Mitchell: It was Jones.
Rachel Green: Yeah well what are you, his boyfriend?
Joey Tribbiani: Man, I wish I had a nanny like you.
Molly: You mean, when you were a baby.
Joey Tribbiani: Sure.
Monica Geller: Would you stop staring at her?
Chandler Bing: I wasn't staring. I was leering.
Monica Geller: What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.
Ross Geller: Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it.
Chandler Bing: Looks like Joey is doing allright with her.
Monica Geller: Yeah. Hey, that was nice of you guys to back off and let Joey get the girl for once.
Molly: I'm gonna take her back to the appartment.
Ross Geller: Ok, I'll be home right after work. Ok, by Emma-Wemma-Demma, I love you - wovyou dovyou ...
Molly: Bye.
Monica Geller: They've elected me to talk to you about the baby talk - it's not so good.
Molly: I think it's sweet.
Rachel Green: Hey, listen, Joey, about Molly, I really prefer if you didn't go after her.
Joey Tribbiani: Why not?
Rachel Green: Because it took us months to find a good nanny and I wouldn't want anything to, you know, drive her away.
Joey Tribbiani: So, what, you think I'm just gonna sleep with her and never call her again and things are gonna get uncomfortable? Yeah, sounds about right.
Ross Geller: Come on, there are plenty of other women out thereok? Just - just forget about her, ok? Just, she's off limits.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, man, why did have to go and say that for? Now that you told me I can't have it makes me want her even more!
Ross Geller: What are you, a child?
Joey Tribbiani: Yes!
Ross Geller: Joey, come on now, for me! Please, just-just try to focus your sexual energy on someone else.
Joey Tribbiani: Fine.
Monica Geller: Take me home!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey Mikey.
Mike Hannigan: Hey P.
Phoebe Buffay: What are you doing?
Mike Hannigan: Setting rat traps.
Phoebe Buffay: To kill Bob??
Mike Hannigan: No, no, to test his neck strength.
Phoebe Buffay: No, Mike, I don't want to kill him! I thought we were just gonna capture him and, and you know, set him free in the country side where he can maybe meet a friendly possom and a wisecracking owl.
Mike Hannigan: Ok, ok, I'll throw away the traps.
Phoebe Buffay: I'll find Bob, I'll get him. Bob? Bob! Robert! Oh wait, I think I hear him. Oh - Oh my god! Bob had babies! Bob's a mom!
Mike Hannigan: Better think of a new name for him.
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know, I kinda like Bob for a girl.
Mike Hannigan: I don't know, I mean I'm not sure ...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my god, we killed Bob!
Mike Hannigan: Maybe it wasn't Bob, maybe it was a mouse.
Phoebe Buffay: Suzie?
Ross Geller: Whazzup??
Chandler Bing: Seriously dude, 3 years ago.
Ross Geller: Listen, can you do me a favor? I'm gonna be out today. Can you just keep an eye on Joey, make sure nothing happens between him and Molly?
Chandler Bing: You don't trust him?
Ross Geller: Wh - No. Some woman who sounded a lot like Joey called earlier and asked for her daughter, the "hot nanny".
Chandler Bing: Is this really your long term plan, for me to run interference? Because I could get a job any day now.
Ross Geller: You do appear right on the cusp of something. Come on man, I'm sure he'll lose interest in a week or two, but for now can you please just do this for me?
Chandler Bing: Allright, fine, but don't blame me if it doesn't work. Because you know as well as I do that once Joey sets his mind on something, more often than not, he's going to have sex with it.
Ross Geller: Well we gotta do something, ok? Nannies like her don't grow on trees.
Chandler Bing: Picturing that tree?
Ross Geller: I am, yes.
Chandler Bing: Where you going, Joe?
Joey Tribbiani: For a walk.
Chandler Bing: Oh. You mind if I join you?
Joey Tribbiani: Actually, that will be long. You know, I really need to organize my thoughts.
Chandler Bing: Your thoughts? Plural?
Joey Tribbiani: Allright, fine, I only have one thought! It's about the hot nanny, I gotta see her!
Chandler Bing: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Joe.
Joey Tribbiani: Now YOU'RE telling me I can't see her?? You guys are killing me! She's forbidden fruit! It's like ... like she's the princess and I'm the stable boy ... Why are you doing this, huh? Did Ross tell you not to let me go over there?
Chandler Bing: Yes, as a matter of fact he did, so I can't let you go.
Joey Tribbiani: Huh. Interesting. Now there are obstacles. Hot nanny and me against the world. This is the kind of stuff great novels are made of.
Chandler Bing: Great novels?
Joey Tribbiani: Fine ... mediocre porn.
Gavin Mitchell: Gavin Mitchelle's office.
Rachel Green: Rachel Green's office!! Give me that phone! Hello, this is Rachel Green, how can I help you? Uh huh ... ok then ... I'll pass you back to your son.
Gavin Mitchell: Hey Mom! No, that's just my secretary.
Rachel Green: Um, excuse me Gavin, I have a question I need to ask you.
Gavin Mitchell: Mom, I'll call you later. Yeah. Yes?
Rachel Green: If you like looking at butts so much why don't you just go look at a mirror?
Gavin Mitchell: Thank god you finally said that, I saw you make a note on your pad three hours ago. Man, I really bug you, don't I?
Rachel Green: Oh, please, I don't care about you enough to bug me. In fact, from now on, I'm going take the high road. And I'm going be very very nice to you, you "momma's boy", starting right now.
Monica Geller: Hey Rach!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Monica Geller: Ready for your birthday lunch?
Rachel Green: Yeah I am, I am! Oh, but first of all, Monica, I would like to introduce you to my very talented colleage and more importantly my wonderful friend Gavin Mitchelle.
Gavin Mitchell: Pleased to meet you.
Monica Geller: Pleased to meet you. So you're coming to Rachel's party tonight?
Rachel Green: Oh no no no no no, Gavin can't, he already has plans, most likely with his mother.
Gavin Mitchell: Well I don't mind, I'll cancel. I would never miss my secretary's birthday.
Rachel Green: Why did you invite him?? I can't stand that guy!
Monica Geller: You were just being so nice to him!
Rachel Green: I was faking it! Can't you tell when I'm being fake?
Rachel Green: Hey, Mr Philips, nice suit!
Monica Geller: Right there! That was so fake!
Rachel Green: Shh!
Rachel Green: I still can't believe you invited Gavin. Allright, he is the last person I want to see.
Monica Geller: Oh, you're welcome for the party. I'm glad you're having a good time.
Rachel Green: God, I hope he doesn't show up. Of course he's not gonna show up, the guy hates me.
Monica Geller: Does he?
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller: Maybe he's bothering you so much because he likes you. It's like in first grade when Skippy Langwild always pushed me on the playground because he secretly had a crush on me?
Rachel Green: Oh, Monica, you think Skippy liked you? Honey, all those buys had a bet to see if he can knock you over.
Molly: She's out, I'm gonna take her home.
Rachel Green: Oh, ok, thank you. Do you see what all the guys see in her?
Monica Geller: Wouldn't kick her out of bed. No more Vodka for me!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Rach, so can I sing happy birthday to you now?
Rachel Green: Yeah, sure!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh ... Happy birth ... oh, see you later.
Monica Geller: Hey Rach, somebody got you shoes!
Rachel Green: Oh, give me!
Phoebe Buffay: Be careful, be careful! These are my rat babies!
Mike Hannigan: Yeah. We have rat babies now.
Rachel Green: Ahhhh , you brought rats to my birthday party?
Monica Geller: So this is what a stroke feels like.
Phoebe Buffay: I had to bring them! We killed their mother, they're our responsibility now. You know, they require constant care. You should know that, Rachel, you're a mother.
Rachel Green: Are you comparing my daughter to a rat?
Phoebe Buffay: No! Seven rats! I think we should take them home, we need feed them.
Rachel Green: whhh wait, you're gonna leave my party to take care of a box of rats?
Phoebe Buffay: Well I'm sorry Rachel, but I'm not like you, ok? Not everyone can afford help.
Ross Geller: Where the hell are Joey and Molly? I asked you to watch them.
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry, I got a little occupied.
Ross Geller: We have to stop them before something happens!
Chandler Bing: Right behind you, big guy!
Joey Tribbiani: So you see, Molly, what people don't understand is that acting is a discipline. It takes a lot of hard work.
Molly: So where did you study?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I didn't go to college.
Molly: No, where did you study acting?
Joey Tribbiani: Molly ... people don't study acting ...
Ross Geller: Molly, ah, do you mind giving us just a minute?
Molly: Sure, I'll go check on Emma.
Ross Geller: Thanx.
Joey Tribbiani: Will the stable boy never get the princess??
Ross Geller: What do you think you're gonna do, have sex with her right here on my couch?
Joey Tribbiani: No ... the leather sticks to my ass. You know, this isn't fair. What makes you think that I'm just gonna sleep with her and then blow her off? Huh? Can't you guys open your minds to the possibility that I actally like her, and might want something real? Look, the truth is, I haven't felt this way about anyone since Rachel, ok? I didn't think I could ever love again.
Joey Tribbiani: Ok.
Woman: Hi, is Molly here?
Ross Geller: Yeah, come on in. Molly?
Molly: Hey! Guys, this is Tabatha . I'll see you tomorrow.
Ross Geller: Ok ... Well, uh, Joey, I guess we have no problem.
Joey Tribbiani: It's like my favorite fairy tale come true! The princess, the stable boy and the lesbian!
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, ok, you start preparing the formula and I start changing the box and then we gotta put them straight to bed.
Mike Hannigan: Hey, when did we become one of those couples whose lives revolve around their rats?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, you know what, they're our responsibility now.
Mike Hannigan: Ok, fine, these rats are our responsibility. What happens when they mate and there are hundreds of them?
Phoebe Buffay: Mate? They're all brothers and sisters.
Mike Hannigan: Yeah - not such a problem with rats. No, they're more of a "love the one you're with" kind of animals.
Phoebe Buffay: No. wh - get off your sister! Oh my god, what are we gonna do? We have 7 rats. So what if each of them has 7 rats? And then each of those have 7 rats? That's like ... That's math I can't even do! What are we gonna do?
Mike Hannigan: Well, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but, we could not let the box of rats ruin our lives.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, ok. I guess you're right. Allright, so we should just give them away. But to nice families, with children, and reduced fat wheat thins. They're Bob's favorites.
Mike Hannigan: It's gonna be ok.
Phoebe Buffay: You must think I'm crazy.
Mike Hannigan: No, I think you're sweet.
Phoebe Buffay: Good. It's just so hard, it's hard for me to ... let them go. I guess it just brings back memories, you know, from ... when I gave birth to my brother's triplets and I had to give them up. I haven't told you about that yet, have I?
Monica Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hi. Thanks for the party, honey. Should I help you clean up?
Monica Geller: No way! You had your party, now I have mine! Is everything alright?
Rachel Green: Yeah, I just get a little bummed when my birthday's over.
Monica Geller: Well, at least you have one thing to be happy about. That jerk Gavin from your office didn't show up .
Rachel Green: Mmm hmm.
Gavin Mitchell: Yeah, hey.
Monica Geller: Oh, we weren't talking about you. No, no way to recover.
Rachel Green: No.
Gavin Mitchell: Nice party.
Rachel Green: Well, it was, and you would have seen it if you didn't showed up at ... 9:30?? God! Oh, this party was lame ...
Monica Geller: Again, you're welcome.
Gavin Mitchell: Look, I'll just give you this and go.
Rachel Green: Oh, you bought me a present! Why?
Gavin Mitchell: Well, let me explain how birthday parties usually work. There are presents, and a cake, perhaps a fourth or fifth person. Ok, I ... got you the present to make up for being such a jerk to you earlier.
Rachel Green: Aww. Well, ok, well that's very nice. And you wrote a card . "From Gavin"
Gavin Mitchell: I really mean it.
Rachel Green: Awww, awww, it's beautiful.
Gavin Mitchell: You don't mind? Well, what do you know, it fits!
Rachel Green: See, Gavin, you're capable of being a nice guy. Why did you give me such a hard time?
Gavin Mitchell: I'm not sure.
Rachel Green: Well Monica seems to think it's because you have feelings for me.
Gavin Mitchell: I do have feelings for you.
Rachel Green: You do?
Gavin Mitchell: Yes, I feel that you are a little annoying.
Rachel Green: See? Why, Gavin, why? Right when I'm about to change my opinion of you, you go and you ... and you do that ...
Chandler Bing: First I was afraid, I was petrified.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hi.
Phoebe Buffay: Listen, I think I've left something here.
Chandler Bing: Oh, well someone left this . This is yours?
Phoebe Buffay: No, but I like it. I think I left one of my rat babies.
Chandler Bing: Oh, uh, well, I haven't seem it but if I do I'll let you know.
Monica Geller: Ohmygod! Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby!
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, maybe that's him!


Chandler Bing: Hey!
Ross Geller: Yeah! Yeah! OK! Sure! Look! Can we...can we talk about what happened here last night?
Chandler Bing: Sure! Just give me a second to get all huffy and weird like you! Do you believe that who everdid something over here last night did what they did or didn't do ...I mean come on!!
Ross Geller: OK you...you really don't know what I am talking about?
Chandler Bing: No!
Ross Geller: OK! Last night after the party I saw Rachel kissing that jerk from her office out on your balcony.
Chandler Bing: Our balcony? Seriously? That's so funny because I told Monica we should put lights on our balcony. And she said"No, no. It's too cold, nobody will go out there." And I said "Maybe if we put some light out there they will"
Ross Geller: Right that's why I came over to talk about. Hum...I saw Rachel kissing some guy on your balcony,even though there were NO LIGHTS !
Chandler Bing: So are you gonna...talk to her?
Ross Geller: Why...Why should I? I mean if she wants to move on, that's fine!
Chandler Bing: You know when "That's fine" sounds true when someone yells it and spits!
Ross Geller: No I'm serious. I mean she wants to date people? Fine! I don't care but...at least she could have told me. You knowI...I've been putting my life on hold and just concentrating on Emma but if she wants to go out there kissing guys shebarely knows, then so will I ! Very funny! Ross is gay! Ah! Ah!
Chandler Bing: No no no. Good. So you're moving on? Do you have any idea where you're moving?
Ross Geller: I don't know. I mean I have plenty of opportunity. Just just now there were some women at the coffee house smiled at me.And then the other day on the subway a woman "accidentally" sat on my hand.
Chandler Bing: Dude, don't rub my face in your crazy single life!
Ross Geller: Well, and how about this? There is an anthropologist at school who totally came on to me during the inter-departmentalPotluck dinner.
Chandler Bing: Why did I get married?!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Let me ask you guys something. I have a new headshot taken tomorrow right and the photographer said she thinks Ishould have my eyebrows waxed. Is that weird for a guy?
Phoebe Buffay: Well it depends.
Joey Tribbiani: On...?
Phoebe Buffay: On how far along he's in the sex change process!
Monica Geller: No I totally disagree. No I think it's fine for a guy to do something like that. Such you an actor. Not that you need to,your eyebrows are...
Joey Tribbiani: Ok! Stop it you guys! Stop staring! You're freaking me out!
Phoebe Buffay: Your knuckles are kinda hairy too...
Joey Tribbiani: Oh man! I have to get those done too?!
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! Talking about high maintenance.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey hey! You dye your hair!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm a woman!
Joey Tribbiani: Arghhh! Double standards!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh before I forget, are you coming to Mike's piano bar tonight?
Monica Geller: Only if I don't have to get up and sing.
Phoebe Buffay: But everybody sings. It's so much fun! Last time this adorable old man got out there, forgot all of the words, flipped outand everyone booed him off the stage. So funny.
Monica Geller: It's just, I'm not good at singing.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! What's the matter? Are you scared? You're afraid I'm a better singer? You're afraid I'm gonna beat you at singing?
Monica Geller: No no, it's not working on me. Wow! I must be growing up!
Phoebe Buffay: OK fine! Please come and support Mike. You don't have to sing.
Monica Geller: So I don't have to sing and I can just sit there and pass judgments on others?
Phoebe Buffay: While drinking...
Monica Geller: I'm there!
Rachel Green: Hi guys! Listen I really need your help. I think I did something really stupid.
Phoebe Buffay: Well yes Rachel but you got something so beautiful out there.
Rachel Green: No not that. I kissed Gavin last night.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my god.
Monica Geller: You kissed him?
Rachel Green: Yeah. It was after the party, we were on the balcony and...
Monica Geller: Wait wait wait. I was at home the whole time. How did I missed that?
Phoebe Buffay: It was the end of the party, you were probably ironing wrapping paper.
Monica Geller: Oh yeah...So how did you end up kissing?
Rachel Green: You know we were all alone and he was being really nice to me and, oh and he gave me this scarf...
Monica Geller: I thought you hated him?
Rachel Green: You know honey, there is a thin line between love and hate, and it turns out that line...is a scarf!
Monica Geller: So are you thinking of starting up something with this guy?
Rachel Green: I don't know. It's so complicated. I work with this guy, you know, I have the baby, and I have Ross, and I just...I don'tknow what to do and I have to be at the office and see Gavin in ten minutes.
Monica Geller: Sounds like you need to think about what you want, talk to Gavin, and you definitely should talk to Ross.
Rachel Green: Or...I could call in sick and not deal with it at all...
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! Five-month maternity leave, you're back for four days, kiss a co-worker, call in sick, they are lucky to have you!!
Salon Girl: Hi.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey. I'm here for my eyebrow appointment.
Salon Girl: Name?
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler Bing.
Salon Girl: Ok. Very good. Have a seat right over here Mr. Bing and Sonia will be right with you.
Joey Tribbiani: OK Thanks.. I touched the stuff.
Sonia: I'll take care of it.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks. Do you get a lot of guys in here?
Sonia: Oh absolutely.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh good...
Sonia: Are you looking to meet somebody?
Joey Tribbiani: All right let's just do this.
Sonia: We'll get to the wax in a minute. First I want to tweeze some of the strays, ok? This may sting just a little bit...
Joey Tribbiani: Please I have an extremely high threshold...Holly Mother Of God! My face! My face!! I'm all right! I'm all right!Just a little bit of shock that's all but I'll be fine you can go again. I'm OK Dammit! Woman!! How Hoooow!
Chandler Bing: Hey it's the most eligible man in NY. How's the moving on going?
Ross Geller: Not well. I went on the subway again and someone did sit on my hand but that person was neither female nor wearing pants.
Chandler Bing: Well maybe you're going about this the wrong way. You know I mean think about it. Single white male, divorced three times,two illegitimate children. The personal ad writes itself...
Ross Geller: That's funny...Do you think you'll ever work again?
Chandler Bing: What are doing? You know I can only dish it out!
Ross Geller: I can't believe Rachel just moved on and didn't say anything to me.
Chandler Bing: Maybe she didn't move on, you know...maybe that kiss was just an impulsive one-time birthday thing.
Ross Geller: No no, about a month ago she gave her number to some guy in a bar.
Chandler Bing: Did she go out with him?
Ross Geller: No. When he called, I...I threw the message away.
Chandler Bing: Ah! The high road...
Ross Geller: You know what? Enough! Enough talking! I have to get moving! Hey check out those two blondes over there!Hey come with me!
Chandler Bing: Are you trying to get everybody divorced?
Ross Geller: You don't have to do anything. It will just be easier if it is the two of us, like college, remember? You...you break theice with some kind of jokes so that they know you're the funny one and I swoop in with some interesting conversation, sothey'll see that I'm the brilliant, brooding, sexy one...
Chandler Bing: I thought I had to make the jokes!
Ross Geller: Don't you have to be at work?
Chandler Bing: Oh come on! Hello! Hi! My name is Chandler, here's my friend Ross right here, and we were wondering you know if you're up for it. We only need six more people for a human pyramid...Swoop!! Swoop!!
Ross Geller: Hum...So...hum...Oh hey I noticed you were reading the paper...another flood in Europe? Here's a question: "Would you...would you rather drown or be burnt alive?"
Blonde Girl: Sorry...we were just leaving.
Chandler Bing: We still got it!
Rachel Green: Who is it?
Gavin Mitchell: Gavin! I brought you some soup.
Rachel Green: Why?
Gavin Mitchell: I heard you were sick...
Rachel Green: Oh! Right! Yeah! Hold on, I'll be just clean up in here a little bit! Hello Gavin.
Gavin Mitchell: I missed you at work today. How are you feeling?
Rachel Green: I a not gonna lie to you, I'm pretty sick.
Gavin Mitchell: Oh! Good! Because I was having a totally paranoid moment when I thought you called in sick to avoid me.
Rachel Green: Oh no no no.
Gavin Mitchell: So I had fun last night.
Rachel Green: So did I.
Gavin Mitchell: Exactly how contagious is this thing you have? I mean is it a cold for standing on the balcony or did a monkey bite you?
Rachel Green: It's just a cold.
Gavin Mitchell: Do you have fever? Let me see. Hum...
Rachel Green: What? What's the matter?
Gavin Mitchell: What's Ross doing to you on that picture?
Rachel Green: Oh he's dusting me with a fossil brush. He thought it would be funny.
Gavin Mitchell: Right. Right. Ross. So what's the deal with you guys? I don't want to get in the middle of anything.
Rachel Green: Oh you're not. You're not gonna get in the middle of anything, don't worry about Ross really, really. Oh! Hide! That's Ross! Hide! Hide!
Gavin Mitchell: Yeah! But you said not to worry about...
Rachel Green: I lied! And I'm not sick! Just stay behind the curtain!
Molly: Hi!
Rachel Green: Oh! Molly! You're not Ross.
Molly: No I'm here to take Emma to your mother's, remember?
Rachel Green: Right, right, yes!
Molly: Don't panic!
Rachel Green: What?
Molly: There is a man behind your curtain. I have a mace in my purse.
Rachel Green: No! That's OK! That's OK! That's OK! No no no no! This is my business associate Gavin. He's just being silly.Gavin come out from behind that curtain!
Gavin Mitchell: Hi! Gavin! Please to meet you. It was my idea to stand there.
Molly: Hello! I just go and get Emma.
Rachel Green: OK.
Gavin Mitchell: So hum...Why did I have to hide?
Rachel Green: I thought it was Ross.
Gavin Mitchell: So what if it was? I thought there was nothing going on between you two...
Rachel Green: There isn't. There is totally isn't.
Gavin Mitchell: You hear a key in the hole and you jump like a young bronco coming out of a chute for the first time. I used to be arodeo clown.
Rachel Green: All right. Look. Gavin...I...I guess I felt guilty that you were here, which I shouldn't. You know Ross and I are not inany relationship but...he is the father of my child, and you know we do live together and plus there is just so muchhistory...you know it's just...I don't know, I'm sorry, I'm just all over the place.
Gavin Mitchell: It's OK. I know it's probably not my place but can I give you a piece of advice?
Rachel Green: Yes.
Gavin Mitchell: I think you should talk to Ross about all this.
Rachel Green: People keep saying that. Oh I'm sorry Gavin.
Gavin Mitchell: Don't be. It's just bad timing.
Rachel Green: So seriously...rodeo clown?
Gavin Mitchell: One of the best, ma'am, one of the best...
Phoebe Buffay: "No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions of the world...!" Thank you!
Mike Hannigan: Oh she's my girlfriend. That's not just how we do it here. I got to get a break and when we come back we've got Kennethsinging "I touch myself"...I'm not here to judge!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi hi...Oh you have got to sing.
Monica Geller: No I told you I can't.
Phoebe Buffay: But you would have so much fun and you have a really nice voice.
Monica Geller: What have you heard me sing?
Phoebe Buffay: All the time when you're cooking.
Monica Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah you're always singing "Yummy yummy yummy, I've got love in my tummy"
Monica Geller: Yeah I do rock that one.
Phoebe Buffay: OK so isn't there a little part of you that wants to get up there?
Monica Geller: Just a little but...it's just so scary! I don't even know what I would sing...
Mike Hannigan: Well I've got a book around...
Monica Geller: "Delta Dawn"
Ross Geller: Hi! I could help not notice, but that's an unusual necklace.
Woman: You already hit on me an hour ago.
Ross Geller: Right, so that's a firm "no". I cannot believe this, I just keep striking out.
Chandler Bing: I don't get it neither, I mean you're obviously desperate, you're asking women how they want to be killed.
Ross Geller: This is great. Rachel's gonna keep kissing guys until she finds the one she wants and I'm gonna die alone.
Chandler Bing: By drowning or...?!
Michelle: Why would he break up with me?
Her Friend: I don't know sweetie.
Michelle: All I ever wanted was just love him and have him love me back. I mean, am I so unlovable?
Chandler Bing: Well...
Ross Geller: I know!
Mike Hannigan: All right, that was Kenneth with his much too literal rendition of "I touch myself". Coming up next we've got Monicasinging "Delta Dawn".
Monica Geller: Wait wait! I can't sing in front of all these people.
Phoebe Buffay: Just pretend they're not even here! It's OK Monica, when that spotlight hits you it so bright you won't see anyoneanyway.
Monica Geller: Hi! I'm Monica and I'm gonna be singing "Delta Dawn""Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on? Could it be a faded rose from days gone by? ..."
Phoebe Buffay: Can you totally see through her shirt ?
Mike Hannigan: Like an X-Ray. Bad day not to wear a bra.
Monica Geller: "To take you to his mansion in the sky-y?"
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I need your help.
Chandler Bing: Wow, it seems serious. What seems to be the problem, Ashley Judd?
Joey Tribbiani: Look, I'll get new headshot taken, all right, so I want to get my eyebrows shaped.
Chandler Bing: I am sorry, moment to make fun of that, please!
Joey Tribbiani: You may be a sissy but I'll still . All right, it hurts so bad, I could only let her do oneeyebrow and now... they don't match!
Chandler Bing: It's like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, look, you got to help me out, ok? Look, I have the magic marker, I want you to fill in the skinny one soI don't look stupid for my pictures.
Chandler Bing: Ok. First of all, this is green!
Joey Tribbiani: What the hell am I supposed to do!
Chandler Bing: All right, I will help you out but you have to promise me you will not tell anyone what I am about to tell you.
Joey Tribbiani: What, what.
Chandler Bing: Ok, you know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage, well I earned mineby plucking the eyebrows of my father and his "business" partners.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, well, I guess you don't need my help Victor Victoria!
Joey Tribbiani: Ok all right, no, no, no, no, I do, I do, I do, I need your help, but Chandler I don't know if I can take anymoreplucking. It hurts so bad!
Chandler Bing: Oh, not with my combination of ice cubes, aloe Vera and my gentle self-loathing touch.
Monica Geller: "Take me to the mansion in the sky-y". I am sorry, the song is over. Did you see me out there?
Phoebe Buffay: Every little bit of you!
Monica Geller: I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I'm singing for the people, and they liked me! Hey, did you hear thatone shouting "look at those tips"! I mean, did I really help you get a lot of tips?
Mike Hannigan: Sure.
Phoebe Buffay: Mon', not that you didn't sound good, but...
Monica Geller: Good? Didn't you hear them...I was great! Thank you so much for making me do this. That's is the best gift ever.
Mike Hannigan: Also a good gift? Underwear.
Michelle: Thank you so much for letting me do this. Public bathrooms freak me out, I can't even pee, let alone doanything else.
Ross Geller: But, what's great is that you don't mind talking about it.
Michelle: It's so amazing I met you the same day that Eric broke up with me, because it's like you lose a boyfriend,you get a boyfriend.
Ross Geller: Uh-ah!
Michelle: No don't worry, this is not some rebound thing. I am totally over Eric.
Ross Geller: . Good choice Ross.
Rachel Green: Oh, hey! Hi, there you are, I've been looking for you everywhere!
Ross Geller: Oh, yeah, hello, well, now, here I am.
Rachel Green: Listen, my mum is not bringing the baby back until nine o' clock. So I was hoping you and I could have achance to kind of talk... somebody here?
Ross Geller: Oh, yeah, yeah that's Michelle.
Rachel Green: Who?
Ross Geller: Oh, just this woman I've been seeing.
Rachel Green: You've being seeing someone?
Ross Geller: Yeah, didn't I mention that? Yeah, I mean, we haven't being going out for too long, but rather there is thisamazing connection between us. I-I mean, in fact just before you came in she called me her boyfriend. I thought it wasa little too soon, but it was also, you know, it was kinda nice.
Michelle: What are you taking amoxicillin for?
Ross Geller: How great is this? You are already comfortable enough to look through my stuff. Oh, I am sorry Michelle, that'smy roommate, Rachel.
Rachel Green: Hi, and I am also Emma's mother.
Michelle: Ah, who is Emma?
Ross Geller: I told you about my daughter.
Michelle: This is your daughter? I can be your new mummy!
Chandler Bing: And done!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God! I didn't feel a thing ! Hey, are you still looking for a job because you can tweeze circles aroundthat sadistic bitch at the saloon.
Chandler Bing: Thanks. You wanna see what it looks like?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah. Hey, they totally match! They look great! They look great! How you doing!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, yeah, I think it looks pretty good. I was a little worried I was uncovering a birthmark right aboutthere, but it turned out to be a little piece of chocolate.
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you so much.
Chandler Bing: No problem.
Joey Tribbiani: Listen that's a pretty girly hour we just spent, we should add some manly make up for it.
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Comb my eyelashes.
Monica Geller: Ok, for my next song I think I'll sing something a little more upbeat. All right? Oh, how about the PointerSisters "I am so excited". And make it bouncy!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh you'll probably take care of that on your hands.
Chandler Bing: I am sorry I am late. You'll understand when you'll see Joey.
Monica Geller: Honey, you're just in time, I'm about to sing another song!
Chandler Bing: Really? In front of all this people?
Monica Geller: And they love me!
Chandler Bing: Oh my God!
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, she gives the people what they want.
Monica Geller: All right, watch!
Monica Geller: "Tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen, tonight we'll put all other things aside. Give in thistime and show me some affection..."
Chandler Bing: Are those my wife's nipples?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh? Isn't that funny? I didn't see that before, I wouldn't have let her go up again.
Chandler Bing: I gotta stop this.
Monica Geller: Oh, who cares, they still love me! "I am so excited..."
Chandler Bing: You, touching yourself, out!
Rachel Green: Wow. She does that a lot!
Michelle: Ross, you didn't tell me you were a doctor!
Rachel Green: What, what, wait a minute! You haven't even told her you were a doctor, yet? How long have you known her, likean hour?
Michelle: Actually about an hour and a half.
Ross Geller: I told you it wasn't long, but there is an amazing connection between us.
Michelle: You feel that too? Oh, I thought that was just me!
Ross Geller: Are you kidding?
Michelle: Hey, do you want to go away this weekend?
Ross Geller: We'll see.
Rachel Green: Ok, Ross, what's going on here, are we just bringing strange women back to the apartment now?
Ross Geller: I don't know, are we just kissing guys on balconies?
Rachel Green: How do you know about that?
Ross Geller: Through the magic of sight! I was here, putting our child to sleep...
Michelle: Emma.
Ross Geller: When I happened to look through the window and I see you kissing a guy you know, for what? A week?
Rachel Green: Oh, that's what this is all about? Did you bring her up here to get back at me?
Michelle: No, actually, see I had to pee, 'cause I can't use public bathrooms because the doodie parasites.
Ross Geller: Ok, Michelle, it's time to go.
Michelle: Well, call me!
Ross Geller: Ok.
Michelle: No, wait, you don't have my phone number!
Ross Geller: You know, if it's meant to be, I'll guess it. Bye, bye.
Rachel Green: Score.
Ross Geller: Oh, I am sorry, did you not like her, because I was hoping that we could come to one of your kissing parties onthe balcony.
Rachel Green: Oh God, I can't believe you're making such a big deal about this. It was one kiss, one guy, one time!
Ross Geller: Oh, really!
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Oh, really!
Rachel Green: Oh yeah.
Ross Geller: What about the guy from the bar?
Rachel Green: What? Who?
Ross Geller: The guy you gave your number to.
Rachel Green: Whoa, how do you know about that?
Ross Geller: Because he called here looking for you. So don't tell me this...this kissing this guy from work is a one time thing,ok? You've been out there in bars and on balconies for over a month now. And you didn't even have the courtesy to tell me.
Rachel Green: Why didn't I get that message?
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: From the guy in the bar, why didn't I get that message?
Ross Geller: Because I folded it up and put in my pants pocket. Do you...do you not look there?
Rachel Green: Ross?
Ross Geller: I never gave it to you.
Rachel Green: Why?
Ross Geller: I don't know.
Rachel Green: Oh God. You know what? Who you think you are? Who are you to decide what messages I should or should not get?
Ross Geller: Who am I?
Rachel Green: Yes.
Ross Geller: I am the guy who's taking care of our baby while you're out at bars meeting guys!
Rachel Green: Oh my God, I cannot believe this. You know I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation with youAbout us! But I can't do that with someone who hides my messages and brings crazy women back to my apartment!
Ross Geller: None of the sane ones wanted to come back with me! That's not the point. Ok? The point is you...you are the oneWho moved on and didn't tell anyone!
Rachel Green: Oh, Ross, this is just so messed up! What's wrong with us? You know when people hear about our situation theyAlways ask, "what, you live together but you're not a couple? And you have a baby, isn't that weird? And I say "No.You know what, it's not, because it works for us! But you know this doesn't work. In fact this is the opposite of working!
Ross Geller: Uh, clearly.
Rachel Green: And you know, we said that we would, we would live together as long as this makes sense. An maybe this, you know,Just doesn't make sense anymore.
Ross Geller: Yeah, maybe not. So what you wanna do?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hi. Can Emma and I live here for a while?
Joey Tribbiani: Ha, oh, of course.
Rachel Green: Thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: Your eyebrows look weird.
Chandler Bing: "Jeremiah was a bullfrog. Was a good friend of mine, never understood a single word he said, but I helped himdrink his wine." So you just touch yourself for anything?


Joey Tribbiani: Morning, roomie!
Rachel Green: Hey! You remembered to put clothes on this morning.
Joey Tribbiani: Fifth day's a charm.
Rachel Green: Oh, Joey, it's so great to be back here. I gotta tell you, you're making it so easy on me and Emma.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, it's great having you back. You know, stay as long as you want, and when does she stop crying all night?
Ross Geller: Hey, you're not naked! So hey, Rach, when will we expect to see you tonight?
Rachel Green: Well, I'll probably be back to pick her up around six, but she's in the bedroom all ready to go. But she did actually fall back to sleep, so...
Joey Tribbiani: She's probably exhausted from all that adorable screaming she did last night.
Rachel Green: Bye!
Ross Geller: Bye! Hey, I hope Emma isn't making it too hard on you.
Joey Tribbiani: No, hey, it's been great.
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. And look, I just want you to know that with Rachel staying here and everything, all my feelings from before are totally over, okay? And even if they weren't, when you accidentally walk in on a woman using a breast pump...
Ross Geller: Yeah, that'll do it.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! So, how are you?
Ross Geller: I'm, I'm okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Really?
Ross Geller: Sure, I mean, do I wish me and Rachel living together would have worked out? Of course. You know, I'm disappointed, but it's not like it's a divorce.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, actually it...
Ross Geller: No, it's not a divorce, it is not a divorce! Anyway, I think Rachel and I need to, you know, get on with our lives, maybe, maybe start seeing other people.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow, really?
Ross Geller: Yeah, sure, why not? In fact, if you know anyone that would be good for me...
Joey Tribbiani: Sure, I know lots of girls.
Ross Geller: Yeah? Any names come to mind?
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, names? Opening credits.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey. I was just gonna get something to eat. You want something?
Phoebe Buffay: What you got?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, let's see, we got strained peas, strained carrots... Ooh! Strained plums. We haven't tried that yet.
Phoebe Buffay: Goodie! Thanks. So, how is it living with Rachel again? I mean, apart from the great food.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm fine, I'm fine, it's just, it's just weird what's happening with her and Ross. You know, yesterday he asked me to fix him up with somebody.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my god, Rachel asked me if I knew anyone for her too.
Joey Tribbiani: Why are they doing this?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. They're so perfect for each other; it's crazy.
Joey Tribbiani: You know what's crazy? These jars. What is it, like two bites in here?
Phoebe Buffay: I just wish they'd realise they should be together.
Joey Tribbiani: I know, I know. And when they moved back in together, I figured y'know, that's where things were headed.
Phoebe Buffay: I know. They should be a family. They should get married and have more children.
Joey Tribbiani: Yes, and they should name one of their kids Joey. I may not have kids; someone's gotta carry on the family name.
Phoebe Buffay: You know what? Maybe once they start dating, and they see what's out there, they'll realise how good they are for each other.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, because it is slim pickings. I had this date last night: Yuck! But we should probably keep it down; she's still in the bedroom.
Phoebe Buffay: So, what are we gonna do? Are we just gonna go ahead and set them up with people?
Joey Tribbiani: I know; that just pushes them further and further apart.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Oh, I know what we can do. We could set Ross and Rachel up on horrible dates, so that they'll realise how good they are together.
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, that's a great plan!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, you know what the best part of it is? I get to do my "plan-laugh."
Joey Tribbiani: Shhh! Not so loud, we don't wanna wake up, uh...
Rachel Green: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: You guys aren't doing anything tonight, are you?
Chandler Bing: See, now, why would you assume that? Just because we're married? I will have you know that we are very hip, happening people. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries.
Rachel Green: I was just asking 'cause I need someone to watch Emma tonight.
Monica Geller: Sure, we'll do that. What are you up to?
Rachel Green: Well, Phoebe set me up on a date.
Monica Geller: Oh my god.
Chandler Bing: Wow.
Rachel Green: Why? What's the big deal?
Monica Geller: Just figured, 'cause you and Ross are...
Rachel Green: What, slept together a year and a half ago? Yeah, I'm all set.
Chandler Bing: Well, I think it's great that you're going on a date, you know? I mean, it sounds healthy. I mean, you have needs. Embrace your womanhood!
Monica Geller: You want a job? Turn off "Oprah," and send out a resume!
Rachel Green: So I'll bring her by around seven? Is that okay?
Monica Geller: Oh, it's perfect.
Rachel Green: Oh, you guys are gonna have so much fun! She's at such a cute age. Oh, a couple things. Now that she's eating solid food, she poops around the clock. And watch out for your hair, 'cause she likes to grab it. And oh, she's also in this phase where if you leave the room, she screams bloody murder, but ah... Thanks, you guys. Have fun!
Chandler Bing: Suddenly I wish I was reading my own name.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey. I'm so excited; I just set up Rachel with the worst guy tonight.
Joey Tribbiani: All right! Who is he?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, it's this guy I used to massage. And by massage, I mean hold down so he wouldn't turn over and flash me.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, okay. Wait till you hear who I got for Ross.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: She's this really boring woman. She's a teacher!
Phoebe Buffay: A teacher?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah, she's really into history and foreign movies... And oh, oh, she loves puzzles. Huh? Come on, who loves puzzles?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, Ross does. What... You're - you're ruining the plan! Joey, you've - you've fixed him up with his perfect woman!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my god, you're right!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: She even reads for pleasure!
Phoebe Buffay: How do you even know a woman like that?
Joey Tribbiani: What? I'm not allowed to know smart women?
Phoebe Buffay: Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: I met her at the library. I went in to pee.
Phoebe Buffay: So now what do we do?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, okay, I'll - I'll just call her and tell her the date's cancelled, and find him somebody else.
Phoebe Buffay: What if we don't find him somebody else? We'll just tell her the date's off, but we don't tell Ross, and he goes to the restaurant and gets stood up!
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh...I hear that's bad.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, so this is great! Rachel's gonna have a terrible date, Ross gets stood up, and then they'll realise how good they have it together.
Joey Tribbiani: Ah, yes, The Plan!
Phoebe Buffay: It's not Santa's plan. No, it's...
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you know, it's not that fun.
Phoebe Buffay: No, I think we killed it.
Chandler Bing: Emma? Emma? Look at me! Well, I think I'll go downstairs for a while.
Chandler Bing: No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! It's okay, it's okay. I didn't go. Don't cry, it's just a bit! I'm your uncle Chandler; funny is all I have!
Monica Geller: Okay, just so you know, I'm gonna be ovulating from tomorrow until the sixth, so don't touch yourself in the next 48 hours.
Chandler Bing: I don't do that.
Chandler Bing: I'll try to stop. Wait, did you say until the sixth?
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Today is the sixth.
Monica Geller: No, it's not.
Chandler Bing: Yes, it's also 2003.
Monica Geller: Oh my god. Today's the sixth?! I may be done ovulating! I may have also served some very questionable meat at the restaurant.
Chandler Bing: It's okay. Go take the test and see if we're okay.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Tough crib.
Monica Geller: Hey, where are all my ovulation-sticks? There's only one here.
Chandler Bing: I might have checked to see if I was ovulating a couple times.
Monica Geller: Chandler!
Chandler Bing: I am not working. There's not much to do around here!
Ross Geller: Excuse me, is there a woman waiting at the bar? Someone average height, dark hair, perhaps doing a puzzle?
Waiter: Uh, there's a drunk Chinese guy.
Ross Geller: Well, if I'm still here in an hour, buy him a drink on me.
Waiter: Can I get you another glass of wine?
Ross Geller: Nah, I don't know if I should. I don't wanna be drunk when I go home alone.
Waiter: Got stood up, huh?
Ross Geller: Yeah, it's no big deal. It's just a blind date.
Waiter: Are you worried your date came, saw you, and left?
Ross Geller: No!
Monica Geller: We're okay. I'm still ovulating.
Chandler Bing: Oh, good, because as of four o'clock this afternoon, I am not.
Monica Geller: So, let's do this.
Chandler Bing: I - I don't think I can.
Monica Geller: Come on. I know you're not eighteen anymore, but give it a minute.
Chandler Bing: Because of Emma.
Monica Geller: Oh my god, Emma. Oh, sweetie, I forgot you were here. Oh, you're right, we can't do this. We can't leave her alone.
Chandler Bing: Sorry.
Monica Geller: Unless... Maybe we do it here. I mean, how much can she even be aware of at this age?
Chandler Bing: Well, she's aware when we leave the room. She may notice if we start... canoodling in it.
Monica Geller: Canoodling?
Chandler Bing: Well, I can't say "hump" or "screw" in front of the B-A-B-Y.
Monica Geller: I don't know. I mean, I guess having sex in front of a baby isn't so...
Chandler Bing: Horrifying? Scarring? Something people go to jail for?
Monica Geller: I guess you're right.
Chandler Bing: You guess I'm right? When we stayed at that bed and breakfast, you wouldn't have sex with me because you thought a deer was staring through the window.
Monica Geller: But what kind of a sick bastard wants to do it in front of a deer?
Rachel Green: Wow, everything looks so good! I think I'm gonna have the chicken.
Steve: I - I just have to say this; you're really beautiful.
Rachel Green: Oh, well, that's - that's very sweet. Thank you.
Steve: I'm kind of funny looking.
Rachel Green: What?
Steve: Oh, come on, you're way out of my league. Everybody in here knows it. Bet that guy over there's probably saying, "ooh, why she out with him? He must be rich!" Well, I'm not!
Rachel Green: So, what do think you wanna order? I'm really excited about that chicken.
Steve: I'm not funny either. So, if you were thinking, "well, he's not that good-looking, but maybe we'll have some laughs"... That ain't gonna happen.
Rachel Green: Well, come on, Steve; let's not rule out nervous laughter. Hey, now wait a minute. Phoebe told me that - that you owned your own restaurant. That's impressive.
Steve: I lost it. To drugs.
Steve: I silk-screen t-shirts now.
Rachel Green: Really? What's that like?
Steve: It's really fulfilling doing something you hate for no money. That's right. I have no money, I'm not funny, I live in a studio apartment with two other guys, and I'm pretty sure I'm infertile.
Rachel Green: Now, come on, come on, Steve. There must be something that you like about yourself.
Steve: I do like my hair.
Rachel Green: Really?
Phoebe Buffay: Hello?
Rachel Green: Phoebe, it's me. I'm going to hunt you down and kill you!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, Rach!
Rachel Green: This is the worst date ever. How could you set me up with this creep?
Phoebe Buffay: You know, you are talking about one of my dear, dear friends.
Rachel Green: I don't care! This guy is a nightmare!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, right, so he gets a little crazy when he's stoned.
Rachel Green: He's not stoned.
Phoebe Buffay: Did he go out for a cigarette?
Rachel Green: Yeah, four times.
Phoebe Buffay: My dear, sweet Rach.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, our plan is working. Rachel is having a miserable time, and Ross is just stood up somewhere at a restaurant all alone.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, great, pretty soon they'll be back together.
Phoebe Buffay: By the time anyone's figured out what we've done, we'll be in sunny Mexico. Oh, wait, that's the end of a different plan.
Monica Geller: She's asleep. Chandler?
Monica Geller: What are you doing?
Chandler Bing: Emma was doing it!
Monica Geller: She's asleep.
Chandler Bing: Ooh, she's asleep, that means we can...
Monica Geller: Yes, but we have to be fast.
Chandler Bing: Okay, I'll try. And you can't make any noise.
Monica Geller: Okay, I'll try.
Joey Tribbiani: Hello?
Joey Tribbiani: Emma? Hey! Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: How are ya? How are ya? Where are your babysitters, huh? Why's the bedroom door closed?
Joey Tribbiani: You can't have S-E-X, when you're taking care of the B-A-B-I-E!
Waiter: I've got bad news. The Chinese guy left.
Ross Geller: Eh, if it was meant to be, it's meant to be.
Waiter: Look; you got stood up, who cares? We're gonna show you a good time. Just sit and relax. In fact, let me bring you a crab cake appetizer on the house.
Ross Geller: Wow, free crab cakes. Well, that's nice. Although I was hoping to have sex tonight.
Waiter: Ooh...
Ross Geller: Just the crab cakes.
Waiter #2: What are you doing? Are you trying to get him to stay? Because you can't do that.
Waiter: Just get out of here, okay?
Ross Geller: What's - what's going on?
Waiter: Eh, okay, the waiters have a little pool going. We have a bet on how long it'll take before you give up and go home.
Ross Geller: What? You - you're making money off my misery?
Waiter: Well, if you stay till 9:20, I am.
Ross Geller: This is unbelievable. I - I have never been so insulted in my life. Now, if you'll wrap up my free crab cakes, I'll be on my way.
Monica Geller: Well, that was weird. You were loud, and I was fast.
Chandler Bing: I think we may have really done it this time.
Monica Geller: Oh, I wish I didn't have to wait to take a pregnancy test.
Chandler Bing: You may wanna get some more of those too.
Chandler Bing: Where's Emma?
Monica Geller: Oh my god, where's Emma? Where's Emma?
Chandler Bing: Don't ask me, I was in there canoodling you!
Monica Geller: Okay, okay, I'm sure that Rachel came home early and picked up Emma. You go look across the hall, and I'll call her cell.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: Hey, you better hope that we're pregnant, because one way or another, we're giving a baby back to Rachel.
Steve: I - I can't believe I'm crying in front of you. You must think I'm so pathetic.
Rachel Green: No, no, no, I admire a man who can cry.
Steve: Really?
Rachel Green: Don't touch my coat!
Rachel Green: Oh, sorry, it's my phone. Hello?
Monica Geller: Hey, Rach, how's it going?
Rachel Green: Oh my god, this is the worst date ever!
Rachel Green: Look, you know what, I'm sorry, but did you really think that this was going well? What's up?
Monica Geller: Hey, did you stop by here?
Rachel Green: No.
Monica Geller: Oh my god, then...
Monica Geller: Oh, thank god! Emma, there you are!
Rachel Green: What? What do you mean, "there you are"? Where was she?
Monica Geller: Oh, we were playing "peek-a-boo." She just - she loves it when I'm dramatic.
Monica Geller: Why the hell did you take her?
Joey Tribbiani: Because you two were having sex!
Monica Geller: No, we weren't!
Joey Tribbiani: Don't you lie to me! I could tell by Chandler's hair. You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?
Chandler Bing: All right, all right, we were. We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! It is unacceptable that you two would have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this.
Chandler Bing: No, no, no.
Monica Geller: No, please don't. Please, Joey. She will kill us!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I gotta! Unless...
Monica Geller: Unless what?
Joey Tribbiani: Unless you name your firstborn child Joey.
Chandler Bing: What? Why?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I may never have kids, and somebody's gotta carry on my family name.
Chandler Bing: Your family name is Tribbiani.
Joey Tribbiani: You almost had me.
Rachel Green: Well, uh...
Steve: Look, I think I know the answer to this question, but... Would you like to make love to me?
Rachel Green: Really, really not.
Steve: Eh, it's just as well. Doesn't work anyway.
Rachel Green: All right, well that's good to know. Good night, Steve.
Ross Geller: Hey, what's wrong?
Rachel Green: I just had a rough night.
Ross Geller: Oh. Crab cake?
Rachel Green: Eww!
Ross Geller: Well, what happened?
Rachel Green: Oh, well, I...It's kind of weird talking to you about this, but...
Ross Geller: Monica told me you had a blind date.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Ross Geller: I did, too.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Ross Geller: But is it technically a date if the other person doesn't show up?
Rachel Green: Oh, oh no. Do you think she walked in, saw you and left?
Ross Geller: Why does everyone keep saying that?
Rachel Green: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I wish my date hadn't shown up.
Ross Geller: That bad?
Rachel Green: Well, he makes t-shirts for a living, and he thought it would be appropriate to give me this.
Ross Geller: Female body inspector? What size is that?
Phoebe Buffay: Now, wait a minute. So, they're gonna name their first child Joey?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh-huh.
Phoebe Buffay: How - how do I get them to name the next one after me?
Joey Tribbiani: It's easy, you just walk in on them having sex.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, so they owe me like, three Phoebes.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my god! Look, it's Ross and Rachel. Oh, the plan is working.
Phoebe Buffay: Don't, don't do the plan-laugh.
Ross Geller: The first date we've had in months, and they were both such disasters.
Rachel Green: Oh. Huh. You know, it is weird that Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful on the same night that Joey set you up on a date that didn't even show.
Ross Geller: Wait a minute; you don't think it was intentional? I mean, that's just stupid.
Joey Tribbiani: We're geniuses! Yeah, look at them, look at them, they're really bonding.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah, they're falling in love all over again.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, they see us! Oh, they, they look mad. Oh, they figured it out. They're coming this way. Run!
Joey Tribbiani: Where?
Phoebe Buffay: Mexico! End credits.
Joey Tribbiani: Can you believe they're still not here?
Ross Geller: I know. A double blind date, and we both get stood up. What are the chances?
Joey Tribbiani: I know, I'm so bummed. Can we have our free crab cakes now?
Waiter: What?
Joey Tribbiani: We've been stood up. And we want our free crab cakes.
Waiter: Guys, give it a rest. Nobody's betting on you tonight. Although we do have a pool going to see how long it takes that guy to cry.
Steve: I have such fat hands!


Chandler Bing: Guys, guys, I've got great news! Guess what.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, ah, Monica's pregnant?!
Monica Geller: Really? Let's get past the moment.
Phoebe Buffay: What's your news?
Chandler Bing: Thank you. I got a job in advertising.
Monica Geller: Oh, honey, that's incredible!
Phoebe Buffay: Gosh, what's the pay like? Oh, come on people... come on, now, if I don't know who makes the most, how do I know who I like the most! Hey Joey!
Chandler Bing: Actually, it pays nothing. It's an internship.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, that's cool. We have interns at 'Days Of Our Lives'.
Chandler Bing: Right. So, it'll be the same except... less sex with you.
Ross Geller: So, uh, what kinda stuff do you think they'll have you do there?
Chandler Bing: Well, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the people they like.
Phoebe Buffay: That's great.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I mean, there's probably gonna be some ground work which will probably stink, you know, grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating.
Chandler Bing: Humiliating and noble!
Ross Geller: You know, if I didn't already have a job, I think, I would have been really good in advertising.
Monica Geller: Ross, you did not come up with "got milk?"
Ross Geller: Yes, I did, I did! I should have written it down!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Where's Chandler? I wanna wish him good luck on his first day. ... and I smelled bacon.
Monica Geller: He just left.
Joey Tribbiani: Who did?
Rachel Green: Joey! You never gonna believe it: she called.
Joey Tribbiani: She did?
Rachel Green: You got it!
Joey Tribbiani: I did?
Monica Geller: What is she talking about?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know, but it sounds great.
Rachel Green: Your agent called. You got that audition.
Joey Tribbiani: With Lennart Haze?
Rachel Green: Yes.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my god, that is great! That is *** for a play on broadway... and in a real theatre, not that little one underneath the dally like last time.
Monica Geller: Is it a good play?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, it must be, because I read and I didn't understand a singe word.
Rachel Green: Yeah, and Lennart Haze is starring in it.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah, and directing.
Monica Geller: He was so good in that movie of MacBeth.
Rachel Green: You saw that?
Monica Geller: No, but... I saw the previews. They played it right before Jackass.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, he's done some amazing works.
Rachel Green: Oh, yeah. Oh, I loved him in those cell phone commercials.
Joey Tribbiani: I know. When the monkey hits him in the face with that giant rubber phone.
Monica Geller: Hey! Maybe the monkey will be at the audition!
Joey Tribbiani: Don't make me more nervous than I already am!
Chandler Bing: Good morning, everybody.
Intern: Can I get you a cup of coffee, Sir?
Chandler Bing: Oh, no, no, I'm an intern, just like you guys... except for the tie, the briefcase... and the fact that I can rent a car.
Intern: Seriously, you're an intern?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, well, I'm kinda heading into a new career direction and, you know, you gotta start at the bottom.
Intern: Dude!
Chandler Bing: Right. Look, I know I'm a little bit older than you guys, but it's not like I'm Bob Hope.
Chandler Bing: The comedian? USO?!
Intern: Uhm, it's USA, sir.
Receptionist: This is Joey Tribbiani. Joey, these are the producers and, as you probably already know, this is Lennart Haze.
Joey Tribbiani: It is so amazing to meet you. I'm such a big fan of your work.
Lennart: Well, I've... I've been blessed with a... a lot of great roles.
Joey Tribbiani: Tell me about it! "Unlimited nights and weekends!"
Lennart: You making fun of me? Because I am not a sell-out. I didn't do that for the money, I believe in those phones. I almost lost a cousin because of bad wireless service.
Joey Tribbiani: No, I-I-I wasn't making fun of you, honestly, I-I think you were great in those commercials.
Lennart: Really?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Lennart: Well, I do bring a certain credibility to the role.
Joey Tribbiani: Are you kiddin'? When they shoot you out of that cannon.
Lennart: Peeeeeooooooooch "Hang up that phone!" One take!
Joey Tribbiani: Wow!
Lennart: So, shall we read?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yah, sure.
Lennart: Top of act two. This is my entrance. You got it?
Lennart: "What the hell are you still doing here"?
Joey Tribbiani: Err, "I think you know".
Lennart: "Bastard"!
Joey Tribbiani: "I am what you made me. You know what? I could go right now."
Lennart: "Go, go!"
Joey Tribbiani: "I can't. Oh, I want to, long pause, but I can't."
Lennart: I'm sorry, sorry. You're not supposed to say "long pause"
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, oh, I thought that was your character's name, you know, I thought you were like an Indian or something, you know with a...
Lennart: No. Thank you so much for coming in. We appreciate it, thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: Ah, y-y-you're sure you don't want me to do it again? I could do it with an accent, you know, Southern "I could go right now, maaan!"
Lennart: My god in heaven.
Producer #1: Joey, hang on for a second. Lennart, can we talk to you for a moment?
Lennart: You, you gotta be kidding. See, h-he, he can't act. .
Lennart: Hey! I-I-I don't care if he's hot, you know. If you want to sleep with him, do it on your own time. This is a play. No, listen: if you insist on this, I will call my agent so fast on a cell phone that has a connection that is so clear he's gonna think I'm next door.
Joey Tribbiani: Ah, hi, ah. Thank you so much for whispering for my benefit, but, ah, look, if you just tell me what I did wrong, I'd just love to work on it and come back and try it again for you. And, and also: 'How you doing?' You should, please, just gimme another chance. I really wanna get better, please.
Lennart: Well, if you wanna come back at the end of the day today, here are my notes. Ready?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Lennart: Uhm, you're in your head. You-you're thinking way too much.
Joey Tribbiani: I really doubt that.
Lennart: No, no, no. It's that you're not connected with anything in your body. There's no urgency. The scene is a struggle, uhm, it's a race. Also, what you did was horizontal. Don't be afraid to explore the vertical. And don't learn the words. Let the words learn you.
Joey Tribbiani: Couldn't I just sleep with the producer?
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, do you wanna go to dinner tonight?
Ross Geller: Oh, I can't. I've got a date with that waitress, Katy, yeah, I know we've been only going out like twice, but I have a really good feeling about her.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I hear divorce bells.
Lowell (mugger): Alright. Just give me your wallets and there won't be a problem.
Ross Geller: What?
Lowell (mugger): I have a gun.
Ross Geller: O-ok. Just relax, Phoene, just stay calm. . Oh my god, I can't find my wallet.
Lowell (mugger): Alright, lady, now give me your purse!
Phoebe Buffay: No.
Ross Geller: What do you mean "no"? I knew you'd be my death, Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe Buffay: Lowell, is that you?
Lowell (mugger): Phoebe? Oh my god!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my god!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, Ross, this is my old friend Lowell from the streets. Lowell, Ross.
Lowell (mugger): Ross, nice to meet you.
Ross Geller: Yeah, a real pleasure.
Phoebe Buffay: Ah, it's been so long, so long. I can't believe you're still doing this!
Lowell (mugger): Ough, I know, but I quit smoking!
Phoebe Buffay: Good for you!
Lowell (mugger): So you look like you're doing really well! I guess you're mugging days are behind you?
Phoebe Buffay: Ouh...
Ross Geller: Oh my god. Phoebe, you used to mug people?
Phoebe Buffay: Excuse me, Ross, old friends catching up.
Monica Geller: Hey, how did the audition go?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, they wanna see me again this afternoon, but, err, well, Lennart Haze did not like me.
Monica Geller: What happened?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, he said I wasn't urgent enough, you know, and that everything I did was horizontal and I should be more vertical. Oh, and he said that I should think less.
Monica Geller: So far so good!
Chandler Bing: Honey, I'm old!
Monica Geller: What's wrong?
Chandler Bing: I am so much older than these other interns. I can't compete with them.
Monica Geller: So you're a little older. Try to look at the positive: You have all this life experience.
Chandler Bing: Yes, but I don't think life experience with these.
Joey Tribbiani: Wooooooooow It's like they're on fire!
Monica Geller: What are they?
Chandler Bing: They're these prototype sneakers and come up with ideas on how to sell them which I can't do because no self-respecting adult would ever where these.
Joey Tribbiani: I give you $ 500 for them!
Chandler Bing: What am I supposed to do with these?
Monica Geller: Ah, come on, sneakers are easy. You wear sneakers all the time.
Chandler Bing: Well, first of all, they're not called "sneakers" anymore. Apparently, they're called "kicks" or "skids" and I think I heard somebody say "slorps". And here, look: they've got these wheels to pop out from the bottom so you can roll around 'cause, apparently, walking is too much exercise. Kids, kids, roll your way to childhood obesity! Would you help me try to sell these?
Monica Geller: Okay, have you considered using a girl with huge knockers?
Chandler Bing: No, I don't think that's the kinda thing they're looking for.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, that'd work on me! Why did I get to buy Mrs. Butterwords?
Everyone: Hey, hey!
Ross Geller: Hey, you'll never guess what just happened... Phoebe and I got mugged!
Monica Geller: You okay?!
Ross Geller: Yah, because Phoebe knew the mugger!
Monica Geller: How do you know a mugger?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry I have friends outside the six of us.
Ross Geller: You wanna know how she knew him? Because Phoebe used to mug people.
Monica Geller: Seriously?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm not proud of it, but, you know... sometimes when I was living on the street and I needed money for food and stuff I.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, that is awful!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, ok, I wasn't rich like you guys, ok, I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony... I had a hard life, my mother was killed by a drug dealer.
Monica Geller: You're mother killed herself!
Phoebe Buffay: She was a drug dealer!
Ross Geller: Well, anyway, it was a good thing Phoebe knew the knew him, because I was about to do some serious damage!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Monica Geller: Well, this must've brought back some really bad memories for you, Ross.
Phoebe Buffay: Why?
Monica Geller: Well, Ross was mugged as a kid.
Phoebe Buffay: You were?
Ross Geller: Yeah, it was pretty traumatic. I was outside St. Marc's Comics... you know, I-I-I was just there minding my own business, you know, seeing what kinda trouble spiderman got into that week-
Monica Geller: Wonderwoman!
Ross Geller: Anyway, I was heading towards this bakery, you know, to pick up a couple of dozen Linzer torts for someone... ... when outta nowhere this thug with a pipe jumps out and says: "Gimme your money, punk!"
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my god.
Ross Geller: I know! And-and the worst part was they took my backpack which had all the original artwork I had done for my own comic book: "Science Boy"
Monica Geller: Oh yeah! What was his superpower again?
Ross Geller: A superhuman thirst for knowledge.
Monica Geller: That's it.
Ross Geller: Well, I-I better get to class Are there any more of your friends I should look out for on my way, Phoebe?
Phoebe Buffay: No... actually, you might wanna stay away from Jane street... that's where stabby Joe works.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I think we have a problem here.
Monica Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, uhm, back in my mugging days, you know, I, uhm, I worked St. Marc's Comics.
Monica Geller: Yeah?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, a pipe was my weapon of choice and, uhm, pre-teen comic book nerds were my meat.
Monica Geller: So?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, there was this one kid who had a sticker on his backpack that said-
Monica Geller: Oh my god!
Phoebe Buffay: I know... I mugged Ross!
Receptionist: You're late!
Joey Tribbiani: I know, I'm sorry, but can I just have a quick second to run to the bathroom?
Receptionist: No, Lennart doesn't wait!
Joey Tribbiani: But I'm bursting with u-hu!
Lennart: Joey! Here we go. Let's go very quickly!
Joey Tribbiani: Actually, I really need.
Lennart: We must go now, quickly, please.
Joey Tribbiani: Yes... ahahaaa.
Lennart: Ready? "What the hell are you still doing here?"
Joey Tribbiani: "I think you know!"
Lennart: "Oh, you sick bastard!"
Joey Tribbiani: "I am what you made me! You know what?"
Lennart: "What?"
Joey Tribbiani: "I could go right now."
Lennart: "Then go, go!"
Joey Tribbiani: "I, oh, I can't. I want to, but I can't!"
Lennart: Cut! That was good. That was very good. You did everything I asked for.
Joey Tribbiani: I did?
Lennart: Yes. Plus... what you've got that... I don't know what you've got going... this squirmy quality that you bring into the character that I couldn't've even imagined. Wow, hey, here's what we gonna do: come back tomorrow for the final callbacks with the ***, do all of this what you've got going now, but you know what? more, more. Can you do that?
Joey Tribbiani: Sure, yeah. I don't have time to say thank you because I really gotta go.
Lennart: Look at that: still in character, I like it... I plant seeds I can't explain.
Monica Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: What are you doing?
Chandler Bing: Putting on the sneakers... thought I'd get into a younger mindset, you know, to see if it sparked anything.
Rachel Green: Oh, anything yet?
Chandler Bing: Yes, how's this: They're so uncomfortable it's like getting kicked in the nuts for your feet!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Everyone: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Probably wanna know what I'm doing...?
Monica Geller: No, that seems about right.
Joey Tribbiani: Yesterday at my audition, I really had to pee, and apparently, having to pee makes me a really good actor. I got a call-back, so I'm drinking everything. Oh, by the way, that egg nog in our fridge was great!
Rachel Green: Joey, that was formula.
Joey Tribbiani: We gotta get more of that.
Chandler Bing: You know what... these aren't half-bad! You should suggest something like these to Ralph Lauren.
Rachel Green: Okay, first of all, that's stupid and second of all, I'm not allowed to talk to Ralph.
Chandler Bing: Alright I feel youger already!
Chandler Bing: Yah, I think I broke my hip.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, you!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, how was class?
Ross Geller: No one ever asked me that, what's wrong?
Phoebe Buffay: Nothing, I really wanna know.
Ross Geller: Oh... Well, uhm, there was actually a rather lively discussion about the Pleistocene.
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, nothing is worth this. Uhm, I have a confession to make... uhm, okay, you know, that girl that mugged you when you were a kid.
Ross Geller: Wh-What are you talking about? It wasn't a girl. It was this huge dude.
Phoebe Buffay: You don't have to lie anymore, Ross, I know that it was a fourteen year-old girl.
Ross Geller: No, it wasn't.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, it was.
Ross Geller: No, it wasn't. You don't think I would've defended myself against a fourteen year-old.
Phoebe Buffay: "Gimme your money, punk!"
Ross Geller: Oh my god, it was you! I can't believe it, you... you mugged me?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, and I'm so, so sorry, Ross, I'm sorry, but, you know, if you think about it, it's kinda neat. I mean, well, it's just that I I've always felt kinda like an outsider, you know, the rest of you have these connections that go way back and, you know, now, you and I have... have a great one!
Ross Geller: It's not the best!
Phoebe Buffay: I know, I'm sorry, please forgive me. I don't know what to say.
Ross Geller: There's nothing you can say. That was the most humiliating thing that ever happened to me.
Phoebe Buffay: Really? Even more humiliating than.
Ross Geller: Hey, let's not do this!
Intern: ... and then, at the end of the commercial, the girls get out of the hut tub and start making out with each other!
Boss: That's interesting! Just one thought: You didn't mention the shoes. Who's next? Chander.
Chandler Bing: Okay... You start on the image of a guy putting on the shoes. He's about my age.
Intern: Your age?
Chandler Bing: A-huh. So he's rolling down the street and he starts to lose control, you know... maybe he falls... maybe hurts himself. Just then, a kid comes flying by wearing the shoes. He jumps over the old guy and laughs, and the line reads: "Not suitable for adults!"
Boss: Chandler, that's great!
Chandler Bing: Oh, thank you, sir... or man-who's-two-years-younger-than-me.
Boss: You see? That has a clear selling point. It appeals to our key demographic, it's... You did you come up with that?
Chandler Bing: I don't know, I don' I don' know! I was just trying to get into a young mindset, you know, and it just started to flow.
Boss: That is great. Good work! Chandler. Thank you.
Boss: See all of you tomorrow.
Chandler Bing: The cold weather hurts my hip!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, Ross! I know you're still mad at me, but can I just talk to you for a second?
Ross Geller: Sure, go ahead. Whoops, sorry, sure, go ahead.
Phoebe Buffay: I just really wanted to apologize again and... and also show you something I think you'll find very exciting.
Ross Geller: Oh my god, crap from the street?
Phoebe Buffay: Look, Ross, in this box are all the things I got from mugging that I thought were too special to sell... or smoke. Anyway, I was looking through it and I found "Science Boy"
Ross Geller: Oh my god. I never thought I'd see this again. It's all here. What made you save it all these years?
Phoebe Buffay: I can't say, I just thought it was really good... and... maybe would be worth something some day.
Ross Geller: You really thought "Science Boy" was worth saving!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah... but you should know, I also have a jar of vaseline and a cat skull in here.
Ross Geller: Still... this is amazing... Oh my god, thank you, Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: You're welcome. And thank you for "Science Boy". I learned a lot from him.
Ross Geller: You're welcome.
Joey Tribbiani: "I need an answer!"
Lennart: "I-I-I can't tell you somethin' I don't know."
Joey Tribbiani: "You know!"
Lennart: "I don't know!"
Joey Tribbiani: "I need an answer now!"
Lennart: "Alright, here, you want an answer... the answer... is..."
Joey Tribbiani: Oh!
Lennart: "She never loved me, she only loved you."
Joey Tribbiani: "You knew this all along and you never told me? You never told me? I can never forgive you, I can never forgive myself, I have nothing to live for Bang End Scene!"
Lennart: Absolutely amazing! The part is yours.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh thanks, thanks! Now, I really have to get.
Lennart: Wa-wa-wa-wait! Congratulations! You did it! You did it! You can relax now. Yeah.
Monica Geller: Wow, that's a big cable bill! Huh, you don't have a job, but you have no problem ordering porn... on a Saturday afternoon?! I was in the house!
Ross Geller: Hey, uhm, Phoebe didn't by any chance mention that.
Monica Geller: ... that she was the huge guy that mugged you? Yah.
Ross Geller: I see. You didn't happen to tell.
Monica Geller: ... everybody we know? Yeah.
Ross Geller: Great. Thanks!