Phoebe Buffay: Oh hey! How was your audition?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry, do I know you?
Phoebe Buffay: What are you doing?
Joey Tribbiani: Nothing, I'm just practicing blowing you off because I'm gonna be a big movie star!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! You got it?!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, no not yet. But the audition went really good.
Monica Geller: What was it for?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, it's this big budget period movie about these three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. It's really classy! Oh, and the director is supposed to be the next, next Martin Scorcese.
Phoebe Buffay: The next, next?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, there's this guy from Chicago who's supposed to be the next Martin Scorcese, all right? But then this guy's right after him. Hello!
Estelle Leonard: Joey! It's Estelle! I just talked to the casting people; they loved you!
Joey Tribbiani: They loved me!
Estelle Leonard: Yeah, they wanna see you again tomorrow.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God!
Estelle Leonard: There's just one thing. Do you have a problem with full frontal nudity?
Joey Tribbiani: Are you kidding me? I never rent a movie without it! Oh. Uh, okay uh let me call you back.
Phoebe Buffay: What's the matter?
Joey Tribbiani: They want me to be totally naked in the movie!
Monica Geller: Wow!
Joey Tribbiani: I know! My grandmother's gonna see this!
Phoebe Buffay: Grandma's gonna have to get in line.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey the wedding is so close! Are you getting nervous?
Monica Geller: Yeah. But a part of me also can't wait 'til it's over. Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex again until the wedding.
Ross Geller: A no sex pact huh? I actually have one of those going on with every woman in America.
Monica Geller: Hey Phoebe, will you give me a hand?
Phoebe Buffay: Sure.
Monica Geller: I gotta make up the guest bedroom. Hey, Cousin Cassie is coming to stay with us a few days.
Ross Geller: Cassie?
Monica Geller: Uh-hmm.
Ross Geller: Wow, I haven't seen her for like forever. I wonder if she still carries that Barbie everywhere she goes.
Monica Geller: Ross, she's 25 years old.
Ross Geller: So what! I still have-No you're probably right.
Rachel Green: Hi!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey Pheebs, can I talk to you over here for a second?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah!
Monica Geller: Subtle guys!
Phoebe Buffay: What?!
Monica Geller: I know you're planning my surprise bridal shower.
Rachel Green: Well okay-Well don't ruin it! Just play along at least!
Monica Geller: Okay. Sorry.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! We have to throw her a shower?!
Monica Geller: Hey! What did you decide to do about the movie?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know! It's not like it's porn! This is a serious, legitimate movie. Y'know? And the nudity is really important to the story.
Monica Geller: That's what you say about porn.
Joey Tribbiani: You're right. Maybe I shouldn't even go on the call back.
Monica Geller: No! No you should! A lot of major actors do nude scenes! I mean the chance to star in a movie? Come on!
Joey Tribbiani: Well that's true. And I am only naked in one scene. Plus it sounds really great. My character's catholic and he falls in love with this Jewish girl. Who run away together and they get caught in this big rainstorm. So we go into this barn and undress each other and hold each other. It's really sweet and-and tender.
Monica Geller: Plus, everyone's gonna see your thing.
Phoebe Buffay: Well when can we have this shower?
Rachel Green: She has got so much going on we-we have only two options. We have Friday...
Phoebe Buffay: Well that's only two days away. What is the other option?
Rachel Green: Yesterday!
Phoebe Buffay: Well if we make it yesterday, woo-hoo! We're done!
Rachel Green: Oh my God Phoebe, this is impossible! We can't do this by Friday! We have to find a place. We have to invite people! We have to get food! There's just too much to do! It's impossible! We can't do it! We cannot do it! We cannot do it!
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel, calm down!
Rachel Green: Okay. I'm sorry. You're right, you're right.
Phoebe Buffay: Just calm down woman!
Rachel Green: Phoebe, I already, I already did.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh okay. All right, then I need to calm down a little.
Rachel Green: Okay. Okay. I think we can do this if we just get organized. All right? We have two days to plan this party. We just need to make fast decisions! Okay? All right, where are we gonna have it?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh, here. What time?
Rachel Green: 4 o'clock. Food?
Phoebe Buffay: Finger sandwiches and tea.
Rachel Green: Ooh great! Very Monica.
Phoebe Buffay: And chili!
Rachel Green: Ah you went one too far. Uh, flowers or balloons?
Phoebe Buffay: Both!
Rachel Green: We're paying for this y'know.
Phoebe Buffay: Neither.
Rachel Green: Okay. Umm, what should we do for the theme?
Phoebe Buffay: Lusts of the flesh.
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. A cowboy theme?
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Y'know I'm-I'm really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.
Monica Geller: Oh boy me too!
Chandler Bing: Y'know I was thinking if we had a...a big fight and uh we broke up for a few hours...
Monica Geller: Yeah?
Chandler Bing: Technically we could have sex again. What do you think, bossy and domineering?!
Monica Geller: The wedding is off, sloppy and immature!
Chandler Bing: That's me! Come on!
Monica Geller: Okay. But wait, we can't. My Cousin Cassie is in the guest room, we're supposed to have lunch.
Chandler Bing: Well get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.
Monica Geller: Shrill?! The wedding is back on!
Cassie Geller: I thought I heard voices. You must be Chandler.
Chandler Bing: Hi! Nice to meet you!
Cassie Geller: Nice to meet you too.
Monica Geller: So, are you ready to go?
Cassie Geller: Yeah.
Monica Geller: Chandler!
Chandler Bing: I'll be right with you.
Monica Geller: Cassie needs to stay at your place.
Ross Geller: What-why?
Monica Geller: Because Purvry Perverson over here can't stop staring at her.
Ross Geller: What?! Chandler she's our cousin!
Chandler Bing: I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently. It's called being a good conversationalist. Watch. Say something.
Monica Geller: You were staring about eight inches south of there.
Ross Geller: Fine, she can stay at my place. By the way, what-what does Cassie even look like now.
Monica Geller: She looks exactly like Aunt Marilyn.
Chandler Bing: Umm, so this Aunt Marilyn is-is-is-is she coming to the wedding?
Monica Geller: Wafer thin ice!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I'm back!
The Casting Director: Hi-hi Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh so, will-will I be reading the same scene again?
The Casting Director: Actually, I tried to call to you. You didn't need to come down here today.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh great! Y'know I would've been perfect for this part, but whatever! Y'know, thanks for making a bad decision and ruining your movie! Good day!
The Casting Director: Wait Joey! You didn't need to come down because the director saw your tape from yesterday and loved it.
Joey Tribbiani: And scene! Huh? Wasn't that fun? We did a little improv there. Yeah! Okay! So you-you-you-you were saying?
The Casting Director: Well, the director thinks you're really right for the part and wants to meet you tomorrow.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! Sure! That's great!
The Casting Director: Oh and your agent said you were okay with the nudity.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Yeah sure, just long as it's handled tastefully and that barn is not too cold.
The Casting Director: Terrific! Well uh, there's one more thing. Uhh, uh it's really important to the director that everything in this movie is authentic. Yeah and so in your love scene with Sarah she talks about how she's never seen a naked man who wasn't Jewish. So...
Joey Tribbiani: So...What?
The Casting Director: So uh well the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what I'm saying?
Joey Tribbiani: Yes!
The Casting Director: Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: No. What?
The Casting Director: An Italian Catholic immigrant at this time would not be...
Joey Tribbiani: Barmifsaed?
Monica Geller: So to get this part you can't be?
Joey Tribbiani: Nope.
Monica Geller: But you are?
Joey Tribbiani: Yep.
Monica Geller: But you told them you weren't?
Joey Tribbiani: That's right.
Monica Geller: Wow! Wow! And it's definitely all gone? There's nothing there to work with? What were you thinking?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know! I really want this part! And they tell you no matter what you get asked at an audition you say yes. Like if-if they want you to ride a horse, you tell 'em you can! And just figure out how to do it later.
Monica Geller: Joey! This is not like learning to ride a horse! This is like learning to...grow a turtleneck!
Joey Tribbiani: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like.
Monica Geller: Oh my God, what are you gonna do?!
Joey Tribbiani: I just have to call my agent and tell her I can't do the part.
Monica Geller: Unless!
Joey Tribbiani: Unless what?
Monica Geller: Well, this may sound crazy, but there maybe something we could fashion.
Joey Tribbiani: Like what?
Monica Geller: Well I'm not sure yet, but umm of the top of my head I'm thinking double sided tape and some sort of luncheon meat.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! I've got a great idea for party favors for the shower. Okay, we get some uh mahogany boxes and carve everyone's names in them and inside is everyone's individual birth stone.
Rachel Green: Okay. Okay. All right, you take care of that. And meanwhile, the party is tomorrow and we still don't have a guest list.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Okay! Well okay, who do we know that's coming? Me. Are you?
Monica Geller: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey! What's up Mon?
Monica Geller: Well uh, I'm trying to make something for Joey. Do you mind if I raid your fridge?
Rachel Green: Have at it.
Monica Geller: Okay. All right, turkey. Eh, that won't work. Cheese? That won't work. Olive loaf? I hope that won't work.
Rachel Green: Are you makin' him a sandwich?
Monica Geller: No it's umm, more like a wrap. Okay so uh, I'm gonna go guys.
Monica Geller: I guess you can get back to deciding on what to get me for a present!
Rachel Green: We have to get her a present?!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay but look! Look at what I got! It's her address book! We have a guest list!
Rachel Green: Oh my God you're amazing! Did you just pull that out of her purse?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, and a little seed money for the party.
Ross Geller: Cassie?!
Cassie Geller: Hey Ross!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Cassie Geller: It's been so long! Last time I saw you, you were setting up your tent in line to see Return of the Jedi.
Ross Geller: Oh. Oh, that's right. So-so you did see me that day because it seemed like you didn't.
Cassie Geller: Ah yeah, sorry about that.
Ross Geller: It's okay. Come, come on in.
Cassie Geller: Thanks for letting me stay here! I mean Monica's place was nice, but her fiancee sure stares a lot.
Ross Geller: Oh.
Cassie Geller: Oh my God! You do a great Chandler!
Ross Geller: Uh-huh. Yeah I-I have a knack for impressions.
Cassie Geller: Well, maybe after we get reacquainted uh, you can do me.
Ross Geller: Yeah-No!!
Ross Geller: Cassie, how you-how you doin' on that...hot dog.
Cassie Geller: I'm all done.
Ross Geller: Thank God.
Cassie Geller: I guess the last time we really hung out was when our parents rented that beach house together.
Ross Geller: Oh right. Right. Ooh, remember the time I uh, I pinned you down and tickled you 'til you cried? We're probably too old to do that now.
Cassie Geller: I'll always remember that summer, because it's when I got all of these freckles.
Ross Geller: Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And-and-and I'll always remember that summer because that's when I realized that we are related.
Cassie Geller: It took you that long to figure it out, huh?
Ross Geller: Well I'm, I'm a little slow. Just as our children would be.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi!
Woman: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: How are you? Good. Hi, thanks for coming.
Woman: Oh thank you.
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you. No? All right. Oh, it's so nice to see you.
Woman: No.
The Other Woman: No thanks.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Hey Rach?
Rachel Green: Yeah?
Phoebe Buffay: Who the hell are all these people?
Rachel Green: Well, I don't know. I called all the people in Monica's phone book and these are the only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice.
Phoebe Buffay: Hmm, y'know there's another word for people like that. Losers!
Rachel Green: Hi! I'm Rachel. This is Phoebe. I'm the maid of honor. How do you know Monica?
Woman: I was her accountant four years ago.
Rachel Green: Ohhhh!
Woman: I'm very interested to find out who's been doing her taxes these last four years.
Rachel Green: That's great!
Woman: So, what time is Monica supposed to get here?
Rachel Green: Excuse us for a minute. You didn't tell her to come?!
Phoebe Buffay: You were supposed to tell her!
Rachel Green: No I wasn't! You were supposed to tell her to come and I was supposed to bring the cake!
Phoebe Buffay: Fine, I'll go call her.
Rachel Green: Yes! And please tell her to bring a cake!
Monica Geller: Okay, we have a lot of options here, a number of prototypes for you to try on.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! This looks great!
Monica Geller: Yeah! Okay, this one is a mushroom cap. Umm, this one is made of bologna.
Joey Tribbiani: And-and-and-and-and the toothpicks?
Monica Geller: Oh, just until the glue dries.
Joey Tribbiani: Thank God!
Monica Geller: Now, these are-are more realistic, but perishable.
Joey Tribbiani: Ah.
Monica Geller: Okay? Over here we have pink suede, which is nice. But umm, if it gets wet then you know it's gonna shrink.
Joey Tribbiani: Well maybe we just take that one away.
Monica Geller: I also, did a little something in fur. But umm, that's really just for me. Okay. So, why don't you go into your room and try these on and we'll see-get a better idea of what's gonna work.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks, you are such a good friend. And this is so weird.
Joey Tribbiani: Ow!
Monica Geller: Toothpick?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Monica Geller: What are you trying on now?
Joey Tribbiani: The fruit roll up.
Monica Geller: And?
Joey Tribbiani: Delicious.
Monica Geller: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We have a winner!
Monica Geller: What?! Which one?!
Joey Tribbiani: The Silly Putty! It's not so silly anymore!
Ross Geller: She's your cousin. She's your cousin! If she knew what was going on in your head she'd think you were sick! Or would she? Let's back up a second. She was the one who suggested opening a bottle of wine. She was the one who turned down the lights. She was the one that wanted to rent Logan's Run, the sexiest movie ever. Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I want it. She wants it. I'm going in.
Cassie Geller: Hey! What the hell are you doing?!
Ross Geller: Say something clever! Okay, doesn't have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. Any words will do. Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! I-I, I uh haven't had sex in a very long time. Yeah, you really shouldn't have said anything.
Monica Geller: Phoebe! Rachel! It's Monica! I wonder what you could possibly need me for on such short notice! Oh.
Rachel Green: Oh Monica, we are so sorry.
Monica Geller: For what?
Rachel Green: Well first, for forgetting to throw you a bridal shower.
Phoebe Buffay: And then for forgetting to invite you to it.
Monica Geller: You al-you already had it?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Well, we called everyone in your phone book and bunch of people came, but it took us so long to get you here that they-they had to leave.
Rachel Green: Yeah, we wanted to throw you a big surprise and a great shower, and now you don't have either.
Phoebe Buffay: We ruined everything.
Rachel Green: Ugh...
Monica Geller: Well no wait a minute that's not true! No, what did, that was really sweet. And it kinda works out for the best.
Rachel Green: What do you, what do you mean?
Monica Geller: Well now, I get to spend my shower with the only people I really love! I mean, I get all those presents without having to talk to people I don't even like!
Rachel Green: Surprise...
Phoebe Buffay: Sur-surprise.
Rachel Green: ...Monica.
Joey Tribbiani: And what's cool is, the character is from Naples, right?
The Director: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: My whole family's from Naples!
The Director: Oh that's great! Okay, well I've heard everything I need to hear. I just need to uh, Leslie...
The Casting Director: Joey, this is awkward part.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. I totally understand. You need to y'know make sure I don't have any horrible scars or tattoos. Don't you worry; I have nothing to hide. So there you go, that's me. One hundred percent natural! I tell ya, that has never happened before.
Phoebe Buffay: Cassie, are you finding everything okay in there?
Cassie Geller: Yeah! Thank you so much for letting me stay here.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! No problem! I...
Cassie Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Say something! Say anything! Ask her out! She's not your cousin!


Rachel Green: Hey! Out of all of us, who do you think is gonna get married next?
Joey Tribbiani: Probably Monica and Chandler.
Woman: Hi. Could I have a pack of Newport Lights, please?
Gunther: Oh umm, uh we don't sell cigarettes, but they have them at the newsstand across the street.
Woman: That'd be great, thanks.
Rachel Green: Oh my God, Melissa Warburton. I don't think I have the energy for this.
Melissa Warburton: Oh my God! Ray-ray Green?!
Rachel Green: Melissa!
Melissa Warburton: You have been M.I.A for the past seven sorority newsletters, what's up with you?!
Rachel Green: Wh-Why don't I tell you over here?
Melissa Warburton: So last I heard you were gonna get married. Oh poor Ray-ray.
Rachel Green: Oh no-no, no! It's good! It's all good! I-I actually work at Ralph Lauren!
Melissa Warburton: Shut up!
Rachel Green: I will not! I'm the divisional head of men's sportswear!
Melissa Warburton: Oh shut up more! Now, are you friends with Ralph?
Rachel Green: Oh please...
Melissa Warburton: Are you?!
Rachel Green: No.
Melissa Warburton: Listen, we-we have to have dinner. What-what are you doing tomorrow night?
Rachel Green: Oh tomorrow, oh I don't know. Um...
Melissa Warburton: You do now. You're having dinner with me.
Rachel Green: Shut up.
Melissa Warburton: I-I've got to go. This has been so great Ray-ray! Oh, there you are. Umm, so listen, just call me. Here's my card.
Rachel Green: Oh, wow thanks! Oh you're in real estate!
Melissa Warburton: Oh no, that's-that's an old card. Umm, I wanted to get out of that and-and do something where I can really help people and-and make a difference.
Rachel Green: Wow! What do you do now?
Melissa Warburton: I'm a party planner. I'll see you tomorrow.
Rachel Green: Okay!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey guys! Look who's back! It's Ray-ray!
Rachel Green: Shut up that was my friend Melissa from college.
Ross Geller: She seems really, really fun!
Rachel Green: She's actually very sweet and we used to be very close.
Monica Geller: Wait a minute, she isn't... She's not the one who you...
Joey Tribbiani: Who you what? Who you what?!
Rachel Green: Yes.
Monica Geller: Wow!
Joey Tribbiani: Wow? Wow what?! Wow what?! Who you-what?!!
Rachel Green: It's not a big deal!
Monica Geller: They were lovers.
Ross Geller: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: What?!
Rachel Green: No we weren't! It was nothing! It was one night, senior year we went to a party, had a lot of sangria and y'know, ended up...kissing for a bit.
Ross Geller: So that's two of my wives.
Monica Geller: Okay so this is where the band is. And this is where the bar is. And all these pins have people's names on them. And Rach, here you are.
Rachel Green: Oh wow. Why don't we just take me and put me with a Manhattan in my hand, talking to the cute bartender. These pins aren't for playing are they?
Monica Geller: Okay, the red ones are my guests and the blue ones are yours.
Chandler Bing: This is so sad. I mean, I only have like ten pins.
Monica Geller: Chandler, relax it's not a contest. Certainly not a close one.
Joey Tribbiani: Hello!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Rach.
Rachel Green: Stop picturing it!!
Monica Geller: Okay, I think that's it. The seating chart is done. This is our wedding. They all look like they're having fun don't they?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, so where are my parents gonna be?
Monica Geller: Oh! Let's see, well...if this is the wedding hall then umm you're parents will be at home in Queens.
Joey Tribbiani: What they're not invited?! Oh no, that's terrible! They're gonna be crushed!
Monica Geller: Why would they think they're invited?
Joey Tribbiani: You got me. I don't...
Monica Geller: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I'm sorry. I thought parents were coming! Y'know? Your parents are comin'! Chandler's parents are comin'! Ross's parents are comin'!
Monica Geller: Ross's parents are my parents!
Joey Tribbiani: Well-well-see? Parents are comin'!
Chandler Bing: Y'know I think we should invite them.
Monica Geller: Oh please, you just want more blue pins.
Chandler Bing: Well this is just sad!
Monica Geller: All right, all right. Maybe I can fit them in if I just do some rearranging. But uh, Rachel may actually have to sit at the bar!
Rachel Green: That is not a problem.
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe you'll order a little sangria?
Rachel Green: Oh, get out of here!
Rachel Green: So now, these are all the tuxedos that we make and if there's anything that you like, we can make you a deal. Anything at all. But these are the three that Monica pre-approved.
Chandler Bing: Well, thanks a lot for hookin' me up Rach. I want you to know that I want you to attend our wedding as my guest.
Rachel Green: I'm Monica's maid of honor. Okay? Don't try to blue pin me!
Chandler Bing: Well, what's the deal with these? These-these look nice.
Rachel Green: Oh they are nice. We-we custom-make tuxedos for celebrities and then when they're done with them they just send 'em back.
Chandler Bing: You mean like for award shows?
Rachel Green: Some of them.
Chandler Bing: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people yelling, "You are you wearing?! You look fabulous!"
Rachel Green: Honey, might I suggest watching a little more ESPN and a little less E!?
Chandler Bing: Okay, who wore those?
Rachel Green: Umm, well let's see uh, this one is Tom Brokaw.
Chandler Bing: Not bad.
Rachel Green: This one is uh Paul O'Neil.
Chandler Bing: Who's that?
Rachel Green: He plays for the Yankees. Seriously, ESPN! Just once and a while, have it on in the background. Ooh, this one was Pierce Brosnan!
Chandler Bing: Pierce Brosnan?
Rachel Green: Uh-huh.
Chandler Bing: Are you serious?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: 007?! This is James Bond's tux?!
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Oh, I have to get married in James Bond's tux!
Rachel Green: It's a pretty cool tux.
Chandler Bing: Oh, it's not just that, I would be England's most powerful weapon. Jet setting heartbreaker on her majesty's secret service. A man who fears no one; with a license to kill. Would Monica let me wear this?
Joey Tribbiani: We should really learn how to play the real way.
Phoebe Buffay: I like our way. Oh! Chess!
Joey Tribbiani: Nice move.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: So Joey I just hooked Ross and Chandler up with some tuxedos for the wedding, do you need one?
Joey Tribbiani: No, I'm performing the ceremony. I'm not wearing a tux.
Rachel Green: Well, what are you going to wear?
Joey Tribbiani: Multi-colored robes! Ooh, and maybe a hat.
Rachel Green: Huh. Does Monica know about this?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't think so.
Rachel Green: Can I please be there when you tell her?
Phoebe Buffay: Hey oh, Rach wait! Do you want to go to a movie tonight?
Rachel Green: Oh, y'know what? I can't. I have to have dinner with that Melissa girl.
Joey Tribbiani: Can I come?! I won't even talk! You'll just hear the noise from my video camera.
Phoebe Buffay: What is this? What's going on?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh good! Can I tell her?! Can I tell her?!
Rachel Green: Well, do you want to hear what actually happened or Joey's lewd version?
Phoebe Buffay: Joey's!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay...
Rachel Green: Hey, come on! I had this friend from college and I made the stupid mistake of telling Joey that one time...she and I y'know...kissed a little bit.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I'm sure that happened.
Rachel Green: It-it did!
Phoebe Buffay: Sure!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey. It happened!
Rachel Green: Yeah, it was senior year in college. It was after the Sigma Chi luau and Melissa and I got very drunk! And we ended up kissing! For several minutes!
Phoebe Buffay: Which means she had a couple spritzers and a quick peck on the cheek.
Joey Tribbiani: Why are you taking this away from me?
Rachel Green: Yeah, why is it so hard for you to believe?!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay! I just-I didn't know that you are a lesbian.
Rachel Green: I'm not saying that I'm a lesbian! I'm just saying that this happened!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, it just seems pretty wild and you're so-y'know so...vanilla.
Rachel Green: Vanilla?!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Rachel Green: I'm not vanilla! I've done lots of crazy things! I mean I got-I got drunk and married in Vegas!
Phoebe Buffay: To Ross.
Rachel Green: All right, y'know what? If you don't want to believe me about this, why don't you just come with me to dinner tonight and she will tell you.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay! All right! Yeah! 'Cause I just can't picture it.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh-ho, you should get inside my head.
Ross Geller: Hey! Guess what I got for your wedding!
Chandler Bing: A freakish thin date with a hanger for her head?
Ross Geller: No. Rachel hooked me up with a tux! But not just any tux, Batman's tux!
Chandler Bing: What?
Ross Geller: That's right! Made expressly for Val Kilmer and worn by him in the hit film...that Batman film he was in.
Chandler Bing: You can't wear that! I'm wearing the famous tux! James Bond's tux!
Ross Geller: So?
Chandler Bing: So-If you wear that you'll make mine less special.
Ross Geller: Well, you need something to make this day special? Hello! You-you-you have the most special thing of all! You are marrying the woman you love.
Chandler Bing: Please, don't take away my cool thing. Please?! Pretty please?!
Ross Geller: Pretty please? Not very uh, 007.
Chandler Bing: Look, it's my wedding day okay? If you were getting married I would never do anything to upset you.
Ross Geller: When I got married you slept with my sister.
Chandler Bing: That was pretty 007.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey. Oh good-good you're here! All right, I figured it out. I'm gonna take two tables of eight, I'm gonna add your parents, and I'm gonna turn them into three tables of six. Okay? And I called the caterer; I added two extra meals, we are good to go!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, they're not coming.
Monica Geller: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: Somehow they got the idea that you only invited them because of me. They...feel a little unwanted.
Monica Geller: Oh that's too bad. It's true, but too bad.
Joey Tribbiani: Look Mon, if you could just call my mom...
Monica Geller: Oh Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Come on! Look just-just tell-let her know that you really want them to be there. Let's not forget, this is a woman that has sent you many lasagnas over the years.
Monica Geller: No she hasn't.
Joey Tribbiani: Is it her fault that some of them didn't make it to you?
Monica Geller: Well, what am I going to say?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. Just uh, just tell 'em it was a mix-up with the invitations, or-No-no-no! Blame it on the post office. They hate the post office. And the Irish! But I don't think you can blame it on them so...
Monica Geller: Hello? Yeah, hi! Mrs. Tribbiani? Hi, this is Monica Geller. Yeah I'm just calling to say that Chandler and I uh, really hope you can make it to the wedding. Yeah, apparently a bunch of invitations that we sent weren't delivered. Umm, I guess there was some screw up at the damn post office! T-Tell me about it! Yeah, yeah, the US Post Office? No, more like US lost office! What are they Irish?!
Melissa Warburton: ...anyway, his name is Allan and we've been going out for three years. He was my first client when I became a party planner. He was planning a party for his girlfriend at the time. Oh well. And he was Theta Beta Pi at Syracuse.
Rachel Green: Oh. Oh, that's great!
Melissa Warburton: Hmm Phoebe, were you ever in a sorority?
Phoebe Buffay: Of course! Yeah, I was uh, umm Thigh Mega Tampon.
Melissa Warburton: What one?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Y'know, we were really huge too, but then they had to shut us down when Regina Philange died of alcohol poisoning.
Melissa Warburton: Oh, isn't a shame when one girl ruins it for the whole bunch?
Rachel Green: Anyway, speaking of drinking too much. I was uh, tellin' Phoebe about that one crazy night after the Sigma Chi luau where you and I uh, we made out.
Melissa Warburton: What?
Rachel Green: Remember?! We-come on both had the sarongs on, and we had the-the coconut bikini tops...
Melissa Warburton: Yeah?
Rachel Green: ...we went back the house and we got really silly and we...we made out.
Melissa Warburton: Oh wow, Ray-ray I have no idea what you're talking about.
Phoebe Buffay: Really?!
Chandler Bing: Ross is Batman!
Monica Geller: Well, he did manage to keep his identity secret for a long time.
Chandler Bing: Rachel got Ross the tuxedo that Val Kilmer wore in Batman. Okay Batman is so much cooler than James Bond!
Monica Geller: What are you talking about?! 007 has all those gadgets!
Chandler Bing: Batman has a utility belt!
Monica Geller: 007 has a fancy car!
Chandler Bing: Batman has the Batmobile!
Monica Geller: 007 gets all the ladies.
Chandler Bing: Batman has Robin! We get ESPN right?
Monica Geller: How about you go put on your 007 tuxedo and I'll make you a nice martini.
Chandler Bing: Actually, I don't like martinis.
Monica Geller: How about a Youhoo with a funny straw?
Chandler Bing: Ooh, yum!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Listen, I know the invitation says 6:00, but does that mean that you want people to get there at six, or the show is gonna start right at six?
Monica Geller: The show?!
Joey Tribbiani: Right. Right. The wedding, gotcha. But I mean, it's gonna start a little late right? I mean, weddings start late. Right?
Monica Geller: Have you ever been to one of my weddings?
Joey Tribbiani: Ah. Yeah. Well look, the thing is it's the same day as my niece's christening and I really want my parents to be there in time to see me. 'Cause my part's just in the beginning I'm not even in the rest of the show-Wedding!
Monica Geller: The wedding starts at six.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Okay, I totally hear ya. Oo how about this? I vamp a little 'til they get there?
Monica Geller: You'll vamp?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Yeah y'know, like warm up the crowd. Ask 'em where they're from. 'Cause in Joey Tribbiani you get a minister and you get an entertainer. I'm a minis-tainer! There is no one better! There is no one greater!
Rachel Green: How can you not remember us kissing?!
Melissa Warburton: I don't know. I don't remember a lot of things that never happened.
Rachel Green: Wh... Come on! Remember? We were on the sleeping porch! We couldn't stop giggling? And our coconuts kept knockin' together?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, somewhere Joey's head is exploding.
Rachel Green: Yeah-but come on-Listen, I'm sorry I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I told Phoebe that it happened and she doesn't believe me.
Melissa Warburton: I'm sorry Ray-ray. I mean if I thought it happened I would say it. Maybe I passed out and you did stuff to me while I was sleeping.
Rachel Green: No!!
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel, it's okay. You don't have to do this. I believe you. All right? Okay, if-if you say that you kissed Melissa, then you kissed Melissa.
Rachel Green: Thank you Phoebe.
Melissa Warburton: She didn't.
Phoebe Buffay: I know.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Monica Geller: You just carry that around?
Ross Geller: Yes. I find it to be something of a conversation piece.
Monica Geller: Between you and...
Ross Geller: Gunther. Hey-hey! Why don't we put them on? Y'know get a picture of Batman and James Bond together.
Chandler Bing: I would but mine doesn't fit. The pants are a little tight.
Monica Geller: A little tight? I could see double-oh and seven in those pants.
Ross Geller: Well that stinks. I was looking forward to us wearing our celebrity tuxes together.
Chandler Bing: Well, does that mean that you're not going to wearing yours?
Ross Geller: What are you kidding? It's Batman's tux!!
Chandler Bing: Let me try it on!
Ross Geller: Okay, but just the jacket. Double-oh and seven are not gettin' in there.
Chandler Bing: Okay. Holy double-vented comfort Batman! What's this?
Ross Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: An invitation for the At First Sight premiere? Oh my God! Val Kilmer didn't wear this in Batman! He wore it to the premiere of some tooty-fruity love story where he played a blind guy!
Ross Geller: Let me see that! Oh man!
Chandler Bing: The only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Uh, Monica? Chandler? Can I talk to you guys for a second?
Monica Geller: All right that's it, I give up! Whatever you want you can have it! You wanna sing a song? You wanna do a dance? You want your mom stand at the Alter and scream racial slurs? I don't care!
Joey Tribbiani: No! No, I-I just wanna thank you guys for what you did for my parents, that was really sweet. They're so happy they get to be a part of your special day.
Monica Geller: Oh.
Chandler Bing: Well, you're welcome. And tell them we're really glad they're coming.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. I will. Ohh! Check out what they got me to wear for the ceremony! Huh? I wear it like this when I marry you guys, and then this is for party time.
Rachel Green: It happened! I am telling you it happened!
Melissa Warburton: Okay. Well, it was great meeting you. And uh Rachel, I-I don't think I'll be calling you because umm, y'know you've gotten weird. Take care you guys.
Rachel Green: What?! Wait a minute! No wait a minute! Okay? Look, that night was the one wild thing I have ever done in my entire life, and I'm not gonna let you take that away from me! Okay, so if you don't remember that, maybe you will remember this!
Melissa Warburton: My God! You love me!
Rachel Green: What?
Melissa Warburton: Of course I remember our kiss. I think about it all the time. I can still hear the coconuts knockin' together I... I just didn't want to tell you 'cause I didn't think that you'd return my love, and now that you have...
Rachel Green: Whoa! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Melissa Warburton: Aww, look who's being suddenly shy. You can't tell me you don't feel what I feel. Nobody can kiss that good and not mean it.
Rachel Green: I-I-I-I'm just...I'm just a good kisser!
Melissa Warburton: Shut up!
Rachel Green: I'm sorry!
Melissa Warburton: Oh you don't have to be sorry. I'm...I'm obviously kidding. I'm not in love with you. I'm not in love with her. I don't hear coconuts banging together. Yeah, I don't...picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend. Anyway, I gotta go. Eh...kiss good-bye? No? Okay.
Rachel Green: Wow! I mean I had no idea that that was gonna...
Rachel Green: What the hell was that?!
Phoebe Buffay: I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
Rachel Green: And?
Phoebe Buffay: I've had better.
Chandler Bing: All right! I found one that fits!
Rachel Green: Well y'know what they say, the 23rd time's the charm. Aww, look at you all handsome!
Chandler Bing: Whose is it?
Rachel Green: Oh does it matter?! All that matters is that you look so handsome.
Chandler Bing: Whose is it?
Rachel Green: I don't want to say.
Chandler Bing: Oh, come on! I don't care! Come on! Whose is it?
Rachel Green: Diane Keeton.


Monica Geller: Do you realize that four weeks from today we're getting married? Four weeks baby!! Four weeks!!!
Chandler Bing: Do you realize you get louder each week?
Monica Geller: There's still so much to do. Have you written your vows yet?
Chandler Bing: I figured I'd buy those. Pat, I'd like to buy a vow.
Monica Geller: Sweetie, you know I have no sense of humor when it comes to the wedding.
Chandler Bing: Right. So uh, have you written yours yet?
Monica Geller: No! But I know exactly what I'm going to say.
Chandler Bing: Do you happen to know what I'm going to say?
Monica Geller: Let's just do it right now. Okay? It won't be hard. Just say what's in your heart.
Chandler Bing: Look at her go! She must love me more than I love her! What's wrong with me? Ooh, don't open that door.
Chandler Bing: Monica, there are no words... There are no words! This should not be this hard!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, uh... Oh hey, you've done this before Ross, well what did you say when you made up your vows?
Ross Geller: Well with Carol, I promised never to love another woman until the day I die. She made no such promise.
Chandler Bing: I'm so pathetic! Monica knows what she wants to say! You should've seen her. Writing, writing, writing!
Rachel Green: Monica what?
Phoebe Buffay: What?!
Rachel Green: What is the emergency?!
Monica Geller: You have to help me! I'm supposed to be writing my vows and all I have is this!
Rachel Green: Well, I like the pretty little drawing of you in the wedding dress.
Monica Geller: Thank you.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, except your breasts look kinda small.
Monica Geller: Those are my eyes! Those are my breasts.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Yeah!
Ross Geller: Well, why don't you just start with something simple. Like umm, Monica from the moment I met you, I knew I loved you.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I'm not sure I can do that.
Ross Geller: ...everyone, this is Chandler!
Monica Geller: Hi, I'm Ross's little sister.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Rachel Green: Okay. Okay. Okay. Umm, maybe you can start with, "Chandler, even though we were friends; there was a part of me that always knew I wanted more."
Chandler Bing: All right, there's a nuclear holocaust, I'm the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?
Monica Geller: Ennnh.
Monica Geller: Ooh, are we allowed to lie in the vows?!
Phoebe Buffay: Well maybe you don't talk about your feelings back then. Maybe you just say something about y'know all the things that he's taught you. Like... Or all the things you taught him.
Monica Geller: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. You got one, two three, four , five, six, and seven!
Chandler Bing: There are seven?! That's one?
Monica Geller: It's kind of an important one!
Chandler Bing: Oh, y'know-y'know what, I was looking at it upside down.
Rachel Green: Well, y'know, sometimes that helps.
Monica Geller: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7 ...7...7...7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7...!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I got it! How about saying something like, "Monica...
Chandler Bing: Monica...
Joey Tribbiani: "...when I look back over our time together..."
Chandler Bing: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I can't do everything! Look back over your time together.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.
Monica Geller: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?
Chandler Bing: You'll get one.
Monica Geller: Oh yeah? When?
Chandler Bing: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?
Monica Geller: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler Bing: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.
Monica Geller: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler Bing: No, no, no.
Monica Geller: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?
Chandler Bing: Uh, uh.
Monica Geller: Well?
Chandler Bing: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack!
Ross Geller: I'm getting married today!! Ahh, whoo-hoo!!
Monica Geller: Do you think he knew I was here?
Chandler Bing: Nice try.
Monica Geller: Wait, wait, wait!
Chandler Bing: Look, Monica...
Monica Geller: Look!
Chandler Bing: This is not going to work.
Monica Geller: I bet this will work!
Chandler Bing: You are so great! I love you!
Monica Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking!
Monica Geller: You said you loved me! I can't believe this!
Chandler Bing: No I didn't!
Monica Geller: Yes, you did!
Chandler Bing: No I didn't!
Monica Geller: You love me!
Chandler Bing: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Chandler Bing: Y'know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here?
Monica Geller: Then all your stuff would be here.
Chandler Bing: Well, what if all my stuff was here?
Monica Geller: Then you'd be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesn't make any sense.
Chandler Bing: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I'm saying?
Monica Geller: You wanted it to be a surprise.
Chandler Bing: Oh my God.
Monica Geller: Chandler... In all my life... I never thought I would be so lucky. As to...fall in love with my best...my best... There's a reason why girls don't do this!
Chandler Bing: Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll do it! Oh God, I thought... Wait a minute, I-I can do this. I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. And if you'll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?
Monica Geller: Yes.
Joey Tribbiani: Can we come it yet?! We're dying out here!
Monica Geller: Come in! Come in! We're engaged!!!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey, what have you guys been up to?
Ross Geller: Oh, we were helping Chandler write his vows, but he kicked us out because Joey kept making inappropriate suggestions.
Joey Tribbiani: How is "Monica, I love your sweet ass," inappropriate?
Ross Geller: How's Monica coming along with her vows?
Phoebe Buffay: Well let's just say its she's lucky she has a sweet ass, 'cause she's not so good at the writing.
Ross Geller: I can't believe in four weeks they're gonna be married!
Phoebe Buffay: Well let's just hope it works. Y'know nine out of ten marriages end in divorce?
Ross Geller: Phoebe that's not true.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, you're right. How's the Mrs.?
Rachel Green: I can't believe they've been together for three years.
Joey Tribbiani: Has it been that long?!
Ross Geller: Believe me, it seems like less because they hid it from us for so long.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, it's me! I'm comin' in!
Chandler Bing: I've had a very long, hard day.
Joey Tribbiani: Ahh, I'm gonna go get some chicken. Want some?
Chandler Bing: Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken.
Monica Geller: Chicken? I could eat some chicken.
Chandler Bing: Hey Joe!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke-Diet Coke.
Rachel Green: I don't know why they didn't just tell us.
Joey Tribbiani: I know! I mean it's not like we weren't cool about it.
Joey Tribbiani: You?! And-and you?!
Monica Geller: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows!
Joey Tribbiani: How?! When?!
Chandler Bing: It happened in London.
Joey Tribbiani: IN LONDON!!!
Chandler Bing: The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it.
Joey Tribbiani: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone!
Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no-no! You can't!
Monica Geller: Please? Please?! We just don't want to deal with telling everyone, okay? Just promise you won't tell.
Joey Tribbiani: All right! Man, this is unbelievable!
Monica Geller: I can't wait to be with you! I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours.
Chandler Bing: Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname?
Monica Geller: Awww, y'know what your nickname is, Mr. Big...
Rachel Green: Arghh!!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler! Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!!
Rachel Green: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!!
Rachel Green: Oh my God!
Phoebe Buffay: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!
Rachel Green: OH MY GOD!!!
Phoebe Buffay: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!
Rachel Green: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!!
Phoebe Buffay: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!!
Rachel Green: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW!
Phoebe Buffay: YOU KNOW?!!!
Rachel Green: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!!
Ross Geller: What's going on?
Rachel Green: HI!! Hi!
Ross Geller: What?! What?!
Rachel Green: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this apartment!
Ross Geller: Actually, it looks really good.
Phoebe Buffay: Get in here!!!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Rachel knows?
Joey Tribbiani: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over!
Phoebe Buffay: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own
Rachel Green: All right honey, we'd better go if we wanna catch that movie.
Monica Geller: Bye!
Everyone: Bye!
Phoebe Buffay: Bye Chandler! I miss you already.
Chandler Bing: Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!!
Monica Geller: Actually, I did!
Chandler Bing: Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me?
Monica Geller: Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us!
Chandler Bing: Phoebe knows about us!
Joey Tribbiani: Well I didn't tell them!
Monica Geller: Them?! Who's them?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey.
Monica Geller: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell!
Monica Geller: Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But see they don't know that we know that they know! So...
Chandler Bing: Ahh yes, the messers become the messies!
Phoebe Buffay: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!
Rachel Green: Are you kidding?!
Phoebe Buffay: No!
Rachel Green: I can not believe he would do that to Mon-Whoa! Joey, do they know that we know?
Joey Tribbiani: No.
Rachel Green: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: They know you know.
Rachel Green: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two!
Phoebe Buffay: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! Joey, you can't say anything!
Joey Tribbiani: I couldn't even if I wanted too.
Chandler Bing: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!
Monica Geller: She's bluffing!
Chandler Bing: Look, she's not backing down! She went like this!
Phoebe Buffay: He's not backing down. He went to get lotion.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?!
Rachel Green: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open.
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh!
Rachel Green: Okay!
Joey Tribbiani: I like that! Oh, okay! Show him your bra! He's afraid of bras! Can't work 'em!
Phoebe Buffay: Joey! Wow, you didn't rip off any buttons.
Joey Tribbiani: It's not my first time.
Monica Geller: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!
Chandler Bing: Okay, give me a second! Did you clean up in here?
Monica Geller: Of course.
Chandler Bing: Oh, you're-you're going?
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, not without you, lover. So, this is my bra.
Chandler Bing: It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very happy were gonna have all the sex.
Phoebe Buffay: You should be. I'm very bendy. I'm gonna kiss you now.
Chandler Bing: Not if I kiss you first.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh.
Chandler Bing: Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.
Phoebe Buffay: Here it comes. Our first kiss.
Chandler Bing: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya!
Phoebe Buffay: And why not?!
Chandler Bing: Because I'm in love with Monica!!
Phoebe Buffay: You're-you're what?!
Chandler Bing: Love her! That's right, I...LOVE...HER!!! I love her!! I love you, Monica.
Monica Geller: I love you too Chandler.
Phoebe Buffay: I just-I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love!
Joey Tribbiani: So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows!
Monica Geller: Well actually, Ross doesn't.
Chandler Bing: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.
Ross Geller: No! No! Wh... What are you doing?!! GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, you're friend's getting married, it's gotta change things.
Rachel Green: You really think it would be that different?
Phoebe Buffay: How could it not be? I mean pretty soon they're gonna be having kids, and then they're just gonna be hanging out with other couples who have kids. And then maybe they're gonna have to leave the city to be near a Volvo dealership.
Rachel Green: Well, things change.
Joey Tribbiani: I don't want them to move to a Volvo dealership!
Ross Geller: It'll be okay Joe.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry, I just...I like things the way they are.
Rachel Green: Hey, who's this little naked guy?
Ross Geller: That little naked guy would be me.
Rachel Green: Aww, look at the little thing.
Ross Geller: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups now?
Chandler Bing: Who are those people?
Ross Geller: Got me.
Monica Geller: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'.
Rachel Green: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there?
Monica Geller: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25?
Ross Geller: Looks like a fun gang.
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked!
Ross Geller: Nono, that would be me again.
Monica Geller: Hey, you guys!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Chandler Bing: What's going on?
Rachel Green: Well, we were just talkin' about you guys gettin' married and how great it is.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you can get a Volvo. If that's what you really want.
Monica Geller: Oh that's so sweet.
Chandler Bing: So we both finished our vows.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Rachel Green: Oh, can we read them?
Monica Geller: Yeah, I don't hear Chandler's and he doesn't hear mine.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, that's beautiful.
Joey Tribbiani: Funny one! That's good!
Rachel Green: Monica, will-will you marry me?
Joey Tribbiani: What? I don't get it.
Ross Geller: Oh man, this is hilarious.
Monica Geller: Chandler!!
Chandler Bing: Don't worry honey, we'll make yours funnier.
Chandler Bing: Okay, what do you guys think?
Ross Geller: Dude!
Joey Tribbiani: I have never known love like this.
Chandler Bing: You really like it?
Ross Geller: Dude! How-how did you write this?
Chandler Bing: I stole Monica's and changed the name.
Ross Geller: You can't do that!
Joey Tribbiani: If he goes first he can!


Ross Geller: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey uh Mon, I saw the Porsche parked out front, can I get the keys? Thought I'd take that bad boy out for a little spin.
Rachel Green: Wait a minute! You let Ross drive the Porsche and when I ask you, you say you're the only one who's allowed to drive it.
Monica Geller: Yeah, well he's my brother! And plus he drives so slow he could never hurt it.
Ross Geller: It's a car Monica! Not a rocket ship!
Monica Geller: Whatever Ross! Just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after you're done.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Saw the Porsche out there Mon, lookin' good. When do I get to take that baby out again?
Rachel Green: You let Joey drive it?!
Phoebe Buffay: I've never driven it! Okay? Not once! Okay once. Okay, I drive it all the time.
Monica Geller: Nice work everybody! So much for the y'know, "You can drive it, but don't tell Rachel" plan!
Rachel Green: Wow! I can't believe you lied to me.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I can fix this! Okay Monica, Rachel thinks all you can talk about is the wedding.
Monica Geller: Great! Well Rachel, the reason why I won't let you drive the Porsche is because you're a terrible driver. There! That wasn't about the wedding.
Ross Geller: Look Rach if-if you want to go for a ride in the Porsche I'll be glad to take you for a quick spin around the block.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you got a couple hours?
Ross Geller: Whew! That was a brisk ride!
Rachel Green: Take the top down did ya?
Ross Geller: Only way to fly.
Rachel Green: Come on Ross give me the keys! Monica does not know what she's talking about! I am an excellent driver!
Ross Geller: You're fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.
Rachel Green: Well in High School, that added up to head cheerleader.
Ross Geller: Did you see the look that girl just gave me? Huh? She must've seen me cruising in the bad boy.
Rachel Green: I think she's checking out your beehive Ross.
Ross Geller: What?! Give-give me a brush.
Rachel Green: Gimme the keys!
Ross Geller: No way!
Rachel Green: Well no brush!
Ross Geller: Fine! Y'know what? It doesn't matter, because, if I remember correctly, there is a comb on the floor of the bathroom.
Rachel Green: Alimony.
Monica Geller: Chandler, we still haven't gotten an RSVP from your dad.
Chandler Bing: Oh! Right. Umm, maybe that's because I didn't send him an invitation.
Monica Geller: Chandler! He's your father; he should be at the wedding.
Chandler Bing: I don't even know the man. Okay? We're not the close. I haven't seen him in years.
Monica Geller: Well what are you gonna do when he finds out he wasn't even asked?!
Chandler Bing: Well he doesn't have to know! It's not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, I think I wanna trade circles.
Chandler Bing: Trust me, you don't want him there either. Okay? Nobody is gonna be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a back-less dress.
Monica Geller: So what! As long as he's not wearing a white dress and a veil I don't care.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I think I need to do some shopping.
Rachel Green: Ahhh! Ooh, nice!
Rachel Green: My God!
Ross Geller: What do you think you're doing?!
Rachel Green: Just washing the windshield.
Ross Geller: There is no way I am letting you drive this car! So why don't you just hand over the keys?
Rachel Green: Oh.
Ross Geller: No ah-ah-ah! Do not start this car! Okay! Okay! I will give you twenty bucks if you get out of this car right now!
Rachel Green: Look Ross, if you're so freaked out, just get in the car!
Ross Geller: With you?! Yeah right!
Rachel Green: All right.
Ross Geller: Okay! Okay! Okay!
Rachel Green: What are you doing?! Get in the front!
Ross Geller: In the death seat?!!
Rachel Green: Oh my...
Man: Hey guys!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey sweetie!
Man: Ready to go?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Sure! Ooh, I left my purse up at Monica's. I'll be right back.
Man: Wait a minute!
Phoebe Buffay: What? Oh. Ooh. Whoa! That one kept going.
Joey Tribbiani: So! You and Phoebe huh? How long have you been going out?
Man: Over a month.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! Maybe uh, maybe you and I ought to get to know each other a little better.
Man: Sure, I'd like that.
Joey Tribbiani: So uh, what's your name?
Man: Its Jake.
Joey Tribbiani: Joey. Hey Jake, do you like the Knicks?
Jake: Yeah, big fan.
Joey Tribbiani: Me too! There's a game on Tuesday do you wanna go?
Jake: Yeah that would be great! Let me make sure I'm not doing anything Tuesday.
Monica Geller: Here!
Chandler Bing: What's this?
Monica Geller: It's your suitcase. We're going to Las Vegas.
Chandler Bing: Are you serious?! I mean like eloping?! No more stupid wedding stuff?! No more these flowers or these flowers or these flowers-Think of the money we'll save!! We're not eloping. I love the flowers. Can our wedding be bigger please?
Monica Geller: We're going to Las Vegas to see your dad. It's time you two talked, and I want to get to know my father-in-law.
Chandler Bing: Y'know we already went over this and I won!
Monica Geller: No you didn't. Oh and honey just so you know, now that you're marrying me, you don't get to win anymore.
Chandler Bing: Look forget it okay? I don't want to go. I don't want to see him. I don't wanna.
Monica Geller: Chandler, look I-I know that your dad embarrassed you. I know...
Chandler Bing: No-no all kids are embarrassed by their parents, you'd have to come up with a whole new word for what I went through. When I was in High School, he used to come to all of my swim meets dressed as a different Hollywood starlet. Y'know it's hard enough to be fourteen. You're skinny. You're wearing speedoes-That your mom promised that you would grow into! And you look up into the stands and there's your dad cheering you on dressed as Carmen Miranda. We was wearing a headdress with real fruit that he will later hand out to your friends as a healthy snack!
Monica Geller: Hey, the point is that he was at everyone of your swim meets and he was there cheering you on! Okay? That's a, that's a pretty great dad.
Chandler Bing: He had sex with Mr. Girabaldi!
Monica Geller: Who's Mr. Girabaldi?
Chandler Bing: Does it matter?!
Monica Geller: Chandler, you're not fourteen anymore. Okay? Maybe it's time that you let that stuff go. If your father's not at your wedding...you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
Chandler Bing: Yeah o-okay, but I'm just doing this for you.
Monica Geller: Yes!
Chandler Bing: So I really never get to win anymore?
Monica Geller: How much did ever really win before?
Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Listen, you know how uh, when you're wearing pants and you lean forward I check out your underwear?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, when Jake did it I saw that...he was wearing women's underwear!
Phoebe Buffay: I know. They were mine.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh. No! No wait, that's weird!
Phoebe Buffay: No, it's not! We were just goofing around and I dared him to try them on.
Joey Tribbiani: That's weird!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm wearing his briefs right now.
Joey Tribbiani: That's...kinda hot.
Phoebe Buffay: I think so too. And that little flap? Great for holding my lipstick.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I wouldn't know about that.
Phoebe Buffay: And! Y'know what Jake says? That women's underwear is actually more comfortable. And he loves the way the silk feels against his skin.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah well next thing you know, he'll be telling you that your high heels are good for his posture!
Phoebe Buffay: There is nothing wrong with Jake! Okay? He is all man! I'm thinking even more than you.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, he looked like a real lumberjack in those pink laceys.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm just saying that only a man completely secure with his masculinity could walk around in women's underwear! I don't think you could ever do that.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! I am secure with my masculinity.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay whatever.
Joey Tribbiani: You've seen my huge stack of porn right?
Rachel Green: God. I forgot how much I love driving. I have got to get my license renewed.
Ross Geller: You don't have a valid driver's license-Okay that is it! Pull over right now!
Rachel Green: Oh Ross you're so tense! You just gotta relax okay? Just need to relax all right? Just need to relax...
Ross Geller: What-what are you doing?! Are you-Okay that's not funny! Just stop horsing around!
Rachel Green: I am not horsing around okay? I am Porsching around.
Rachel Green: Uh-oh.
Ross Geller: Okay, stay calm. Nothing is going to happen to you, you are not in that much trouble.
Rachel Green: Really? You think so?
Ross Geller: I was talking to myself! You're going down!
Waiter In Drag: You're straight. I get it.
Monica Geller: I still say that if we had called your dad we coulda gotten better seats.
Chandler Bing: No! No! I don't want him to know we're yet! I'm not sure I'm ready for that. And besides he's not gonna be too happy to see me either.
Monica Geller: Why not?!
Chandler Bing: I don't know if I've told you this, but he's kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years
Monica Geller: What?!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, he's made phone calls, written letters, he even came to New York, but I always said I was too busy to see him. Y'know it's all very Cats in the Cradle-I don't want to get into it. Here we go.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket!
Helena: Hello darlings.
Chandler Bing: And there's daddy!
Rachel Green: Okay. Switch places with me! Switch places with me! Come on! I'll go under, you go over!
Ross Geller: Yeah, I'll get right on that.
Rachel Green: Oh come on Ross!!
Ross Geller: No Rach! Come on! No-no! Yeah, I'm sure we won't get arrested for this.
Rachel Green: Hi officer, was I going a little too fast?
Ross Geller: Oh my God.
Policeman: Can I see your license please?
Rachel Green: Oh yes, absolutely! Y'know, it's weird uh, but I had a dream last night where I was stopped by a policeman. And then he uh...well I probably shouldn't tell you the rest.
Policeman: Your license?
Rachel Green: Yes. Here you go Officer uh, Handsome.
Policeman: That's Hanson.
Rachel Green: Oops sorry, my mistake.
Ross Geller: Dear Lord!!
Policeman: Wow!
Ross Geller: Here it comes.
Policeman: This is a great picture.
Rachel Green: Really?! You think so? Y'know, I had just rolled out of bed.
Policeman: Yeah? Well you look phenomenal.
Ross Geller: Well she should, it was taken ten years ago!
Rachel Green: Y'know you're-you're probably wondering about the old date on there.
Policeman: Yes I am.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Policeman: You're an Aquarius, huh?
Rachel Green: I bet you're a Gemini.
Policeman: Nope.
Rachel Green: Taurus?
Policeman: Nope.
Rachel Green: Virgo?
Policeman: Nope.
Rachel Green: Sagittarius?
Policeman: Yep.
Rachel Green: I knew it! I knew it, ahh...
Policeman: Well I tell you what...
Rachel Green: Yeah?
Policeman: You're not gonna speed anymore right?
Rachel Green: I won't speed.
Policeman: And you promise you'll get this taken care of right away?
Rachel Green: I promise.
Policeman: And in the meantime you better let him drive. Does he have a license?
Rachel Green: Yeah!
Policeman: Can he handle the stick?
Rachel Green: Oh well...
Ross Geller: I can handle the stick!!
Helena: I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and...
Everyone: Gay!
Monica Geller: That can't be your father.
Chandler Bing: Believe me, I've been saying that for years. Oh my God!
Monica Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: That's Mr. Girabaldi playing the piano.
Helena: For I'm loved by a pretty wonderful boy! Hello! And welcome to the show. I see some of our regulars in the audience. And a couple of irregulars.
Chandler Bing: He's coming into the audience. He's coming into the audience.
Monica Geller: Relax! You'll be fine. Oh much better. You're invisible now.
Helena: Where are you from?
Guy: Bakersfield.
Helena: I'm sorry?
Guy: Bakersfield!
Helena: No-no I heard! I'm just sorry.
Chandler Bing: It can't happen like this. Okay? I'll meet you back at the hotel.
Helena: Oh look, a standing ovation already! So early in the show. Oh turn around honey; let me see your pretty face.
Monica Geller: Can we have our drinks please?! Waiter-Uh, tress!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Check it out. How much of a man am I?!
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know, I'm beginning to see what Jake was talking about.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh.
Joey Tribbiani: The silk? Feels really good!
Phoebe Buffay: Huh.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! And-and things aren't as...smashed down as I thought they were gonna be.
Phoebe Buffay: That's great Joe!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! And you have so many more choices than you do with men's underwear!
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh.
Joey Tribbiani: Bikini, French cut, thong! And-and the fabrics! You've got cotton, silk, lace! And y'know what I've always wondered about?
Phoebe Buffay: Hmm?
Joey Tribbiani: Pantyhose! Y'know? They way they start at your toe and go all the way up to here... I should go take these off shouldn't I?
Phoebe Buffay: I think it's important that you do.
Helena: So what's your name?
Chandler Bing: Chandler.
Helena: Chandler? What an unusual name! You must've had terribly fascinating parents.
Chandler Bing: Oh, they're a hoot.
Helena: And who is your friend?
Monica Geller: I'm-I'm Monica.
Helena: Monica! Where are you from?
Monica Geller: New York.
Helena: I'm not very fond of New York. Queens I like. Ooh, what is this sparkle something! Honey! Huh?
Chandler Bing: Actually Monica and I are engaged.
Helena: Really?! Congratulations. When's the big day?
Monica Geller: In...in two weeks.
Helena: I see. Well, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness. So you're bald?
Chandler Bing: Wait! Wait! We'd really love it if you could be there.
Helena: We?
Chandler Bing: I know it would make me happy, ma'am.
Helena: Well I wouldn't miss it for the world. Oh! I'm getting all misty here! You'd think I was having my legs waxed or something.
Monica Geller: You okay?
Chandler Bing: Yeah. Thanks for making me do this.
Helena: Before we go on with the show, I just want to say to the bride and groom how lucky they are to have found each other. In every life, a little rain must fall. Fortunately, in my life... It's raining men!
The Chorus Line: Hallelujah!
Helena: It's raining men!
The Chorus Line: Amen!
Chandler Bing: When I was growing up I...played the one on the far left.
Rachel Green: Remind me to introduce you to someone!
Ross Geller: Who?
Rachel Green: Fourth gear!!
Ross Geller: What?! What does he want?! I wasn't doing anything!
Rachel Green: Well maybe he saw your hand slip briefly from the ten and two o'clock position.
Ross Geller: Maybe it's uh Sergeant Sagittarius coming back to flirt some more!
Rachel Green: It's a different guy!
Ross Geller: Good evening officer.
Policeman: Do you know how fast you were traveling back there?
Ross Geller: Ah no. I don't, but it could not have been more than sixty.
Policeman: You're right. It was 37.
Ross Geller: I mean you're not gonna give me a-a ticket for driving too slow are ya?
Policeman: That's right.
Ross Geller: Y'know of-officer I uh...I had the weirdest dream last night...
Rachel Green: Oh my God!
Policeman: Your license please.
Ross Geller: You don't-you don't want to hear about my dream Officer...Pretty?
Policeman: It's Petty. I'll be right back with your ticket.
Rachel Green: You have a son!
Ross Geller: I know. I know.
Phoebe Buffay: Feel better?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Much! Listen uh, not that I'm y'know insecure about my manhood or anything y'know, but I think I need to hook up with a woman like right now.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I understand.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Okay! Hey! Hi!
Woman: Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know, you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?
Woman: I don't think so.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Maybe it's because I'm on television. I'm an actor on Days of Our Lives.
Woman: Wow!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Woman: Really?!
Joey Tribbiani: Hm-mmm.
Waitress: $4.50 please.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, let me get this. These are for you.


Monica Geller: Do you realize this is probably the last time we'll all be here in the coffee house as six single people?
Phoebe Buffay: Why?! What's happening to the coffee house?! Oh!
Chandler Bing: Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the misses. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain.
Monica Geller: Old?
Chandler Bing: The young hot ball and chain.
Monica Geller: That's much better.
Rachel Green: Op! We gotta go!
Ross Geller: Oh, where are you guys going?
Monica Geller: We're gonna pick up the wedding dress then we're gonna have lunch with mom.
Ross Geller: Ah. Joey you're-you're having lunch with my mom?
Joey Tribbiani: No, I-I just heard lunch. But yeah, I can go. Sure!
Ross Geller: Y'know what? Actually I'm kinda glad they're leaving 'cause uh, I need to talk to you about something.
Chandler Bing: What's up?
Ross Geller: Well this uh, this may be a little awkward.
Chandler Bing: Listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. I'm buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.
Ross Geller: No, its...Its not that. Umm, now what I'm going to say to you, I'm not saying as your friend. Okay? I'm-I'm saying as it as Monica's older brother.
Chandler Bing: But you're still my friend?
Ross Geller: Not for the next few minutes.
Chandler Bing: During this time...are you, are you still my best man?
Ross Geller: Nope.
Chandler Bing: Do I still call you Ross?
Ross Geller: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and-and I couldn't be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monica's older brother I-I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down, and kick your ass! What? I'm-I'm-I'm serious! Come-Hey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? I'm-I'm not kidding here!
Chandler Bing: Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning.
Ross Geller: No problem.
Chandler Bing: So are we...friends again?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Okay. You won't believe what Monica's older brother just said to me!
Rachel Green: What 'cha doing Mon?
Monica Geller: I'm making a list of all the things that are most likely to go wrong at the wedding. Now, that way I can be prepared.
Phoebe Buffay: What are they?
Monica Geller: Well, so far I have uh, my bride's maids dresses won't get picked up, my veil gets lost, or I don't have my something blue.
Rachel Green: Hey! Those are all the things I'm responsible for!
Monica Geller: I had to go with the odds Rach.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and didn't get the part?
Rachel Green: The commercial?
Joey Tribbiani: No!
Phoebe Buffay: That play?
Joey Tribbiani: No!
Monica Geller: That other play?
Joey Tribbiani: Nooo!
Phoebe Buffay: The movie?
Joey Tribbiani: Yes!!
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh!
Joey Tribbiani: Yes that's the one about the soldiers who fight in World War I!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah! Back then y'know, we called the Great War. It really was!
Joey Tribbiani: Well anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! I start shooting today!
Phoebe Buffay: Congratulations!
Rachel Green: Oh that's great!
Monica Geller: Wait! Wait! Wait! You can't start today! Today's the rehearsal dinner!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh no, I'll be done by then.
Monica Geller: Oh. Well then way to go you big movie star!
Joey Tribbiani: I know! All right, I'll see you guys over there! I'm off to fight the Nazis.
Rachel Green: Oh, wait Joey! We fought the Nazis in World War II, not World War I.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa! Okay. Yeah well, who-who was in World War I?
Phoebe Buffay: Go ahead.
Rachel Green: You're gonna be late! Go! Go!
Monica Geller: Who did we fight in World War I?
Rachel Green: Mexico?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes! Very good.
The Assistant Director: Hey Joey! We're ready.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Me too.
The Assistant Director: Richard? We're ready for you. Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby he's playing Vincent.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm doing my scenes with you?
Richard Burke: Nice to meet you Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! I can't believe this! This is incredible. I mean you just won an Oscar!
Richard Burke: No I didn't.
Joey Tribbiani: I think you did.
Richard Burke: I think I lost. Three times.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh...Cookie?
The Director: Okay! We're about an hour away from getting the scene lit. So uh, if you guys don't mind, can we run it a couple of times?
Richard Burke: Yeah, sure.
The Director: Okay, all right. Let's do it. And...Action!
Joey Tribbiani: We have to find the rest of the platoon!
Richard Burke: Forget the platoon! The platoon is gone!
Joey Tribbiani: What?!
Richard Burke: The platoon is dead! Face facts Tony!
Joey Tribbiani: So what are we gonna do?! We have no reinforcements! No-no food!
Richard Burke: No, we still have food in the basement! I saw potatoes and some dry pasta!
The Director: Hang on a minute! Joey, you keep touching your face. Is something wrong?
Joey Tribbiani: No. Nope, I uh...I th-I thought it might be kind of a cool character thing. Y'know? He's uh, he's a face toucher.
The Director: I don't think so. Let's take it back to Richard's last line. Action!
Richard Burke: We may not have any weapons, but we still have food. In the basement I saw potatoes and some dry pasta, and a few tins of tuna!
Monica Geller: Honey, we gotta go!
Chandler Bing: Okay. Here's a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
Monica Geller: I don't have anything like that, but let me go see if Rachel does.
Chandler Bing: Yes, include more people in this.
Monica Geller: Hey, do you realize that at this time tomorrow we'll be getting married?
Chandler Bing: Wait a minute! I have a date tomorrow night.
Monica Geller: I just, I can't believe that we made it!
Chandler Bing: Well you don't have to sound so surprised.
Monica Geller: I'm sorry but...nothing.
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: Well...honestly ever since we got engaged I have been waiting for something to, to flip you out.
Chandler Bing: Honestly? Me too.
Monica Geller: Really?
Chandler Bing: Yeah. Y'know I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and I'll go all...Chandler. But nothing has.
Monica Geller: Ohh, I'm so glad. Thank you so much for staying so calm during this. I mean it's really, it's made me stay calm. I coulda been worse!
Chandler Bing: Okay. I'll be right there.
Monica Geller: Hi! If you're calling before Saturday, you've reached Monica and Chandler. But if you're calling after Saturday, you've reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing! Please leave a message for the Bings!
Monica Geller: Hey Maureen! Gosh! Hey uh, Chandler? This is my cousin Maureen.
Chandler Bing: We're the Bings.
Rachel Green: Hi! Oh you guys look so beautiful!
Chandler Bing: Mr. and Mrs. Bing!
Ross Geller: Wow Monica! Hey, just so you know I had my uh, older brother chat with Chandler.
Monica Geller: What is that?
Ross Geller: Well I...I told him that if he ever hurt you I would hunt him down and kick his ass! What?! What?! What is the matter with everybody?! I am serious! I would kick his ass!
Phoebe Buffay: Ross, please! My make-up!
Chandler Bing: Hi.
Nora Tyler Bing: Chandler!
Chandler Bing: Mom. Thanks for wearing something.
Nora Tyler Bing: Oh honey! This is so exciting! I thought we screwed you up so bad this day would never come. Oh and just think. Soon there'll be lots of little Bings.
Monica Geller: Mrs. Bing? Here, these are my parents umm, Judy and Jack Geller.
Judy Geller: It's lovely to meet you.
Jack Geller: So are you his mother or his father?
Judy Geller: Jack!
Jack Geller: What?! I've never seen one before!
Monica Geller: Dad! There's Ross , why don't you go talk to him?
Jack Geller: I didn't even have a chance to act as though I'm okay with it!
Charles Bing: Hello all!
Chandler Bing: Hi...dad.
Monica Geller: Hi Mr...Bing.
Charles Bing: Nora!
Nora Tyler Bing: Charles.
Monica Geller: It-it's so great to see you both here.
Charles Bing: Yes! Although, I think we may be seeing a little too much of some people. Aren't you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Nora Tyler Bing: Don't you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?
Chandler Bing: Oh my God!
Jack Geller: ...of course you can kick his ass son.
Judy Geller: You could kick anyone's ass you want too.
Ross Geller: Thanks you guys.
Monica Geller: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would talk to Chandler's dad and try to keep him away from Chandler's mom?
Rachel Green: Yeah! But I don't know what he looks like!
Monica Geller: He is the man in the black dress.
Rachel Green: Man in the black dress... Hi! I'm Rachel! I'm a friend of Monica and Chandler's!
Woman: I'm Amanda.
Rachel Green: Oh I get it! A...man...duh!
Ross Geller: Can I have everyone's attention please? I'm uh; I'm Ross Geller.
Jack Geller: Doctor Ross Geller.
Ross Geller: Dad...dad, please! As I was saying umm, I'm Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh, and I'm the best man. And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me umm, because not only is the groom my best friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And, she's the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if you'd all please join me in raising a glass to the, the couple we're here to celebrate. To the Bings.
Everyone: To the Bings!
Monica Geller: All right, I'm gonna go steam my wedding dress okay? Who wants the responsibility of making sure nothing happens to it?
Rachel Green: I'll do it.
Monica Geller: Who wants it? Anybody?
Rachel Green: I said I'll do it!
Monica Geller: Nobody wants to do it? All right, I'll do it myself.
Rachel Green: Monica! I'm not gonna screw it up!
Monica Geller: Y'know what? You're right, I'm sorry. Actually you were a big help tonight. Yeah, and thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab and making sure she got to the hotel safely.
Rachel Green: Well of course that is what I'm here for!
Monica Geller: Okay. Sorry.
Rachel Green: Ugh! What grandmother?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Where have you been?
Ross Geller: Oh, taking my parents back to the hotel.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh.
Ross Geller: What? Are you going back to work?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Nice shades.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks. Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes at least I won't get spit in the eyes, y'know?
Ross Geller: And if I remember correctly, Ray Ban was the official sponsor of World War I!
Joey Tribbiani: Great! All right. I'll see you later.
Ross Geller: Hey, where's Chandler?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, I think he's in Rachel's room. See ya.
Ross Geller: Chandler? Chandler?
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Ross Geller: Is uh, is Monica here?
Rachel Green: She's steaming her dress, why? What's up?
Ross Geller: I think Chandler's gone.
Rachel Green: What?!
Ross Geller: He left that.
Rachel Green: Tell Monica I'm sorry.
Phoebe Buffay: What's up? Tell Monica I'm sorry. Tell her yourself!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Chandler just left though!
Rachel Green: Yeah but, maybe it's not what we think. Maybe it's tell Monica I'm sorry I...drank the last of the milk.
Phoebe Buffay: Or maybe he-he was writing to tell her that-that he's changed his name, y'know? Tell Monica I'm sorry.
Ross Geller: I think it means he freaked out and left!
Phoebe Buffay: Don't be so negative! Good God! Isn't it possible that Sorry is sitting in there right now?!
Rachel Green: Okay. Phoebe, I-I think Ross is right. What are we gonna do?
Ross Geller: Look-Okay, I'm just gonna-I'm gonna have to go find him and bring him back! Okay? You-you make sure Monica does not find out, okay?
Rachel Green: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay but if you don't find him and bring him back, I am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass!
Ross Geller: I will, I will find him.
Richard Burke: Hey Joey, could you uh, go through these lines with me?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh man! They-they just redid my make-up!
Richard Burke: Just the last two pages.
Joey Tribbiani: All right.
Richard Burke: I found the picture!
Joey Tribbiani: Picture? What picture?
Richard Burke: Could you uh, could you lower your script? I need to see your face so I can uh, play off your reaction.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay uh, look I know you're a great actor, okay? And you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuff...
Richard Burke: Oh, thanks.
Joey Tribbiani: But you're spittin' all over me man!
Richard Burke: Well of course I am!
Joey Tribbiani: You know you've been spitting on me?!
Richard Burke: That's what real actors do! Annunciation is the mark of a good actor! And when you enunciate, you spit!
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! Didn't know that.
Richard Burke: Great!
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks! Okay-okay check it out! Picture? What picture? Eh?
Ross Geller: Gunther have you uh, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther: No. No, I haven't seen him.
Ross Geller: Oh damn!
Gunther: He's getting married tomorrow right?
Ross Geller: Yes. Yes. Don't worry. Everything's fine. We'll uh, we'll see you tomorrow at the wedding.
Gunther: I wasn't invited.
Ross Geller: Well then we'll-we'll see you the day after tomorrow. Mom?! Dad?! What-what...what you guys doing here?!
Jack Geller: Well you kids talk about this place so much, we thought we'd see what all the fuss is about.
Judy Geller: I certainly see what the girls like coming here.
Ross Geller: Why?!
Judy Geller: The sexy blonde behind the counter.
Ross Geller: Gunther?!
Jack Geller: Your mother just added him to her list.
Ross Geller: What? Your-your list?
Judy Geller: Yeah, the list that-of people we're allowed to sleep...
Ross Geller: Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list is! Mom! Look if you see Chandler, could you just let him know I'm looking for him?
Jack Geller: And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know I'm looking for her.
The Director: Action!
Richard Burke: I found the picture!
Joey Tribbiani: What picture?!
Richard Burke: The picture of my wife! In your pack!
Joey Tribbiani: You went through my personal property?
Richard Burke: Why do have a picture of Paulette in your pack?!
Joey Tribbiani: Because Vincent, we were lovers. For two years!
The Director: Cut! Wonderful!
Joey Tribbiani: Great scene yeah?
Richard Burke: Oh you're awesome! And, in that last speech? You soaked me.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks a lot.
The Assistant Director: Here's your call sheet for tomorrow.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I'm-I'm not working tomorrow.
The Assistant Director: You are now.
Joey Tribbiani: No! No! I can't! You gotta get me out of it! I've got plans! Important plans!
Rachel Green: Ross said there's still no word from Chandler.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh man.
Rachel Green: Oh but he did say that they found the grandmother wandering down fifth avenue.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Well there's one down.
Monica Geller: I'm getting married today!!! I think I just cracked a rib. But I don't care because today's my wedding day! My day is finally here!!
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know she might not even notice he's gone.
Monica Geller: I'm gonna start getting ready!
Rachel Green: God! Don't-We can't let her start getting ready! This is too awful! Oh God, but wait she'll be in the gown and then he won't show up and then she's gonna have to take off the gown...
Phoebe Buffay: Shhh! Stop it! Stop it Rachel! You can't do this here!
Rachel Green: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just...It's just so sad!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but you've got to pull yourself together! Monica can't see you like this! Then she'll know something's wrong!
Rachel Green: I know. I know. Oh God. There's no tissue! Can you grab me some toilet paper?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Oh, that's gone too. This is Monica's bathroom right?!
Rachel Green: Oh!
Phoebe Buffay: No-no! I-I...I found one.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Rachel Green: Oh thank you! Oh God! Can I have another one?
Phoebe Buffay: Sure. Do you need some floss?
Rachel Green: Oh God I just can not imagine what is gonna happen if Chandler doesn't show up!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh here's a whole bunch.
Rachel Green: Oh, I mean she's gonna be at the wedding waiting for him and people will be whispering, "Oh that poor girl." Y'know? Then she'll have to come back here and live all alone.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God!
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and it's positive. Monica's pregnant. So I guess she won't be totally alone.