Monica Geller: Okay, now this one is rare, this one is medium well! Now go-go-go! Hey Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey how was dinner?!
Phoebe Buffay: Dinner was good!
Monica Geller: Okay!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm just saying hi! Now I'm gonna go!
Monica Geller: Okay!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well hello there.
Guy: Hi.
Phoebe Buffay: I didn't see this on the menu.
Monica Geller: Uh Tim? This is Phoebe. Phoebe this is Tim, my new sous chef.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, so you're Monica's boss?
Tim: Actually she's my-my boss. Sous is French for under.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! I sous stand.
Monica Geller: Hey Tim? I need a calamari and a Caesar salad. And umm, could you get me the pesto?
Tim: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh you...you made pesto?
Tim: Yes I did.
Phoebe Buffay: Would you say your pesto is the best-o?
Tim: I...I-I don't know, but I would say it's pretty good-o.
Monica Geller: All right, I still need a calamari and a Caesar salad.
Tim: I like your necklace.
Phoebe Buffay: I made it myself.
Tim: You are so talented.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, it's no pesto.
Monica Geller: All right, all right! Let's just cut to the chase, okay? You're single. You're single. He gets off work at eleven. She'll be waiting for your call. I'll give him your number if I can get one calamari and one Caesar salad!! I did not yell. I am not putting a dollar in the jar.
Mr. Franklin: Wow Bing! Burning the midnight oil.
Chandler Bing: You know me sir. Oh ah, I do have a question for ya. Do you know how I get around the office computer network so I can access the really good Internet porn?
Mr. Franklin: You're a joker Bing.
Chandler Bing: What's funny about that?
Ross Geller: Hey! Sorry I kept you waiting so long.
Chandler Bing: Hey that's okay. So, where do you want to go?
Ross Geller: Oh ah, I think you know where I want to go.
Chandler Bing: The Hard Rock Caf?
Ross Geller: Yeah!
Chandler Bing: Again?!
Ross Geller: Yeah!!
Ross Geller: I'm telling you, I like the food!
Chandler Bing: You like the Purple Rain display! Hey Bob.
Bob (Chandler's coworker): Hey Toby! Have a good night.
Ross Geller: Did that guy just call you Toby?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, he thinks that's my name.
Ross Geller: Well, why don't you correct him?
Chandler Bing: Oh it's been going on way to long now. Y'know, I mean the first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway, so I didn't say anything. And then the next time he said, "Hey Toby, do you want a donut?" And I-I wanted a donut. And now it's five years later, the donut's gone and I'm still Toby.
Ross Geller: Five years?! Chandler you have to tell him!
Chandler Bing: No! That would be so awkward! Look-Besides, we work in different departments. He's on the sixth floor y'know? So he calls me Toby once in a while. What's the big deal? It could be worse, it's not like he's calling me Muriel.
Ross Geller: Muriel. Wh-why would he call you Muriel? Oh my God! Chandler M Bing? It's not just an M, your middle name is Muriel!!
Chandler Bing: Shh! It is a family name!
Ross Geller: Chandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents never gave you a chance did they?
Joey's Co-Star: Drake, I've discovered the reason for all your headaches and memory loss.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: What is it?
Joey's Co-Star: Apparently your brain transplant was not entirely successful. It seems your body is rejecting Jessica's brain.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: Is it serious?
Joey's Co-Star: Not if we extract tissue from the original host body, synthesize antibodies, and introduce them into your system, which could stop it from rejecting the brain.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: Well that sounds simple enough, let's just do that.
Joey's Co-Star: We would, but when we went to exhume Jessica's body, it was gone.
Director: Cut! Very nice people!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, let me just get changed and we can go to dinner.
Rachel Green: Well don't-What happened to Jessica's body?!
Joey Tribbiani: I'm not telling, you'll have to see it on TV!
Rachel Green: You don't know do you?
Joey Tribbiani: No, couldn't care less.
Joey's Co-Star: Hey good scene man.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey you too!
Joey's Co-Star: Alright.
Joey Tribbiani: What? You weren't in it.
Rachel Green: Oh!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh sorry. Uh-uh, Kash?
Kash: Yes?
Joey Tribbiani: This is my friend Rachel. Rachel, Kash, Kash, Rachel.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Kash: Hey! How come I haven't seen you here before?
Rachel Green: Well, Joey probably thinks I'll just embarrass him. Y'know, he thinks I'm some kind of a soap opera nut-Which I'm not! I'm not. Although I do know that your uh, your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. And uh, and that your-your dog's name is Wally. Well look at that, I'm just stroking your arm.
Joey Tribbiani: Here we go! Here we go!
Rachel Green: Oh, we're leaving. Bye Kash.
Kash: Bye.
Rachel Green: Say hi to Wally.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh Monica!
Monica Geller: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! I had the best time with Tim last night. He is so sweet! Oh, I can't wait to get sous-neath him.
Monica Geller: I...I have to fire him.
Phoebe Buffay: But why?!
Monica Geller: Because he's terrible! Okay, he's slow, he burns things, last night he lit my pastry chef on fire!
Phoebe Buffay: Well maybe he was just nervous, y'know you can be very intimidating. And besides I've met your pastry chef and she can stand to be taken down a peg or two.
Monica Geller: Well, now she has no eyebrows, mission accomplished.
Phoebe Buffay: But Monica, he loves his job so much! Can you just give him another chance? Please?
Monica Geller: All right, but if-if he lights someone else on fire he is out of there!
Phoebe Buffay: That's fair! Thank you so much. Thanks. Oops, it looks like when he got the pastry chef he got you a little bit too.
Monica Geller: I paid to have this done.
Phoebe Buffay: Love it!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh you know uh Kash, really liked you the other day. He said he thought you were charming.
Rachel Green: I thought I was a complete idiot.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I'm with you. He even asked me if I thought you'd go out with him.
Rachel Green: Oh! Oh, I think I'm gonna throw up a little bit. What did you say?
Joey Tribbiani: I said no.
Rachel Green: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: What? I...I just figured since you're pregnant you're not gonna be seeing people.
Rachel Green: Okay Joey, first of all Kash Ford is not people. Second of all, what did he say when you told him I was pregnant?
Joey Tribbiani: I didn't tell him. I didn't know if you were telling people. This is back when I thought Kash was still people.
Rachel Green: Good-good, don't tell him. Don't tell him. Just have him call me okay?
Joey Tribbiani: Rach look, I really don't think that's such a great...
Rachel Green: Okay, you go do it! I'll come back to that set! I'll meet more actors! I'll meet 'em all!
Chandler Bing: Hey Bob.
Bob (Chandler's coworker): Hey! How's my pal Toby doing today?
Chandler Bing: If I see him, I'll ask.
Bob (Chandler's coworker): Toby!
Mr. Franklin: Hey-hey! Bing? Was that Bob from six you were just talking too?
Chandler Bing: Yeah!
Mr. Franklin: Oh then you know each other.
Chandler Bing: We're on a semi-first name basis.
Mr. Franklin: What do you think of adding him to our team?
Chandler Bing: Bob? Ooh, working here with us? Everyday? Yeah, I don't know if he has what it takes.
Mr. Franklin: Really? They love him down on six.
Chandler Bing: But this is eleven. It's almost twice as hard up here.
Mr. Franklin: Okay, I hear you loud and clear. Bob will stay put.
Chandler Bing: I think it's best sir.
Mr. Franklin: But we really do need to find someone up here. The work is starting to pile up. I've got a stack of documents on my desk this high.
Chandler Bing: Y'know what you should do, just toss 'em in the shedder and claim you never got 'em.
Mr. Franklin: That's a good one.
Chandler Bing: What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey. Okay, I gave him another chance, but Tim has got to go!
Phoebe Buffay: But...
Monica Geller: No! No-no! He is totally incompetent. I called the chef who recommended him to me. He said, "Ha-ha! Gotcha!"
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Okay, but you can't fire him today.
Monica Geller: Why not?!
Phoebe Buffay: Because I'm dumping him today.
Monica Geller: What?! You said he was sweet!
Phoebe Buffay: He is sweet. He's too sweet. He calls me all the time. "So did-did you get home from work okay?" "Did-did you get out of the shower okay?"
Monica Geller: Just don't pick up your phone.
Phoebe Buffay: Then he comes over! "I'm so worried about you." Uck! Be a man!
Monica Geller: What? So now I'm not allowed to fire him?
Phoebe Buffay: You can't fire him and dump him the same day, he'll kill himself.
Monica Geller: Okay well then, I'll fire him today and you go out with him for another week.
Phoebe Buffay: Are you kidding?! Another week with that sip, I'll kill myself!
Monica Geller: Okay well, then we'll both do it today and he'll just have to deal with it!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. But the question is who's gonna go first. 'Cause whoever goes second is the bitch.
Monica Geller: What do you mean?
Phoebe Buffay: Come on! The boss that fires a guy that's just been dumped, bitch! And the woman who dumps a guy that's just been fired, blond bitch!
Monica Geller: I wanted to do this days ago so I think I should go first.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, that makes sense. Ugh. But-Screw you I'm going first!
Bob (Chandler's coworker): Hey Toby, you got a sec?
Chandler Bing: Sure, what's up?
Bob (Chandler's coworker): I just had a meeting, I was actually hoping to get transferred up here, but I just found out its not gonna happen. Apparently somebody thinks I'm not eleventh floor material. Say uh, who the hell is this Chandler?
Rachel Green: Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I'm not drinking on this date tonight. "Umm, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'm a Mormon," or "I got so hammered last night I'm still a little drunk?"
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Ross Geller: So, what do you want to do tonight? There's a Ukrainian film at the Angelica that's supposed to be very powerful. Interested?
Joey Tribbiani: No. No. But I'll go see a normal person movie with ya.
Ross Geller: Rach? You wanna come?
Rachel Green: Oh no, I can't. I got a date.
Ross Geller: A date?
Rachel Green: Yeah. Why? Is that weird for you?
Ross Geller: Why no, it's the opposite of weird. It's-it's uh, regular. It's-it's uh, it's mundane. It's actually uh, a little dull.
Joey Tribbiani: It's no Ukrainian film.
Rachel Green: Yeah-Ooh! Earrings!
Ross Geller: A date?! She's-she's got a date?! With who?
Joey Tribbiani: I set her up with this actor on my show.
Ross Geller: You set her up?!
Joey Tribbiani: No
Ross Geller: Joey what-what were you thinking?!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I was thinking that it'd probably be okay because Ross hasn't gone out with Rachel in five years!
Ross Geller: Joey, I'm not worried about her! I'm worried about my baby! Whoever she dates my baby dates! Now-now where is this actor taking them?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! I'm an actor too! I'm not sure. I think they're taking the ferry out to some Italian place on Staten Island.
Ross Geller: A ferry? My baby is going on a ferry? Do you have any idea how dangerous those are?!
Joey Tribbiani: Are we talking about one of those big boats that carry cars that go like five miles an hour?
Ross Geller: Why don't they just jump out of an airplane?! Huh?! That-that's a fun date! Or burn each other with matches?! That's fun too! Whew!!
Kash: Hey Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Kash. Uh hey-hey this is Ross. Ross, this is Kash.
Kash: Hey.
Ross Geller: Hi. I-I hear you're going on a ferry tonight.
Kash: Yeah.
Ross Geller: A bit of a daredevil are we?
Rachel Green: Hey guys do you think this is too slutty-Hi Kash!
Kash: Hey Rachel! You ready to go?
Rachel Green: Yeah! All right, I'll see you guys later.
Ross Geller: Okay. Have a great time you guys.
Rachel Green: Thank you.
Kash: Thank you.
Ross Geller: Yes it is too slutty!
Tim: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi.
Tim: Oh, I'm so glad you called. I feel like it's always me calling you. So, what's up? Is everything okay with Phoebe?
Phoebe Buffay: It will be...in a minute. Listen, Tim you're a really great guy.
Tim: It's because I'm with you.
Phoebe Buffay: Aw. I'm just-I'm in a place in my life right now where I...I...
Tim: Whoops. Sorry. This just in. Oh, it's 9-1-1 from the restaurant, that means Monica needs me right away.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh-oh no she doesn't! I know what that is. You can stay.
Tim: Awww, I'll miss you too Pheebs. And I will be holding you, right here.
Joey Tribbiani: So what movie do you want to see-And not another one I have to read. Okay? I get enough of that from books.
Ross Geller: Books?
Joey Tribbiani: All right, car magazines, cereal boxes, but it's like enough!
Ross Geller: Well, I tell you what. Why don't we uh, why don't we just stay here? Let's not see a movie, we'll just hang.
Joey Tribbiani: And just wait for Rachel to come back from her date?
Ross Geller: Hey, if that's what you want to do I'm not gonna say no.
Joey Tribbiani: Dude! What is going on?!
Ross Geller: I just...I have to find out how it went.
Joey Tribbiani: Why?
Ross Geller: This guy could be my baby's stepfather!
Joey Tribbiani: They go on one date and you're worried about them getting married?! He's not you!
Ross Geller: I just-I-I can't believe she's-she's dating?!
Joey Tribbiani: Well Ross, what did you think she was gonna do?
Ross Geller: I don't know! I guess I just can't believe any of this is happening.
Joey Tribbiani: What do you mean?
Ross Geller: It's just I always thought when I had another kid it would be different. Now I-I love Ben, but every time I have to drop him off at Carol and Susan's, it's like-It breaks my heart a little. I mean I've always had this picture of me and my next wife in bed on Sunday and, my kid comes running in and leaps up onto the bed. And we all read the paper together. Y'know? Maybe fight over the science section.
Joey Tribbiani: That's a nice picture. Maybe you can still have that!
Ross Geller: No! No I can't. I mean Rachel's out with some guy. My baby went with her. If anything that picture keeps moving further away.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, can I ask you something? In this, in this picture of you and your wife, is your wife Rachel?
Ross Geller: It used to be. Now she doesn't really have a face. Smokin' body though.
Joey Tribbiani: Good call. Yeah. But, the face Ross, the face isn't Rachel.
Ross Geller: No but ahh! How much easier would it be if it were?
Joey Tribbiani: I know, but I don't think that's what she wants.
Ross Geller: No, it's not what I want either. I mean I-I can't force myself to fall in love with her again now.
Joey Tribbiani: That's okay Ross maybe you need a new picture. Okay? It's not gonna be what you thought, but no matter what there's gonna be a brand new little baby, your baby. Who cares what the picture looks like?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I tell you what. Let's you and me go out and have some fun. Huh? Whatever you want. Come on!
Ross Geller: We can still catch that Ukrainian film.
Joey Tribbiani: No, I said fun!
Bob (Chandler's coworker): Hey Toby!
Chandler Bing: Hey Bobby.
Bob (Chandler's coworker): It's Bob actually. Hey, you work up here, can you tell me where this Chandler Bing's office is?
Chandler Bing: Uhh yeah. Yeah, it's right, right down there. Right there, yeah. Can I ask you why?
Bob (Chandler's coworker): I want to talk to that bastard, see what his problem is.
Chandler Bing: Okay Bob listen uhh, I'm the reason you didn't get the job up here.
Bob (Chandler's coworker): Toby don't.
Chandler Bing: Bob!
Bob (Chandler's coworker): Toby! I'm not gonna let you cover for him. Anything you say right now will just get me more upset with Chandler!
Chandler Bing: Well that puts me in a difficult position.
Monica Geller: Hey.
Tim: I got your page, is everything okay?
Monica Geller: Uh well that depends, how are things with Phoebe?
Tim: Oh it's great! It's great! Thank you so much for introducing us!
Monica Geller: Oh my pleasure. Okay, I'm afraid I've got some bad news. Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: Monica!
Monica Geller: You're fired!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm breaking up with you!
Tim: What?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm, I'm breaking up with you.
Monica Geller: You're fired.
Tim: Why?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, I'm just-I'm...I'm just not ready for a relationship right now.
Monica Geller: Yeah and-and I'm sorry too. But, well I just-I like things done a certain way and the chemistry's just not right.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh that's good, the chemistry thing for us too.
Tim: Wow! Umm, okay. Umm... I-I-I realize I came on a little strong but, it's only because I think you're so amazing. And uh, I-I just wanna, I just wanna tell you how much I appreciate you giving me an opportunity here because I-you're the most talented chef I've ever worked for. Anyway...
Monica Geller: Tim wait!
Tim: Yeah?
Monica Geller: Umm, I think I spoke too quickly. There-there's a learning curve with this job and maybe we can try it again.
Tim: Really?
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Tim: Thank you so much! 'Cause I-I know I can do better!
Monica Geller: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: And Tim I just wanna say, good luck here.
Ross Geller: Hello.
Rachel Green: Hi!
Ross Geller: Well, how was the date?
Rachel Green: Well I'm alone and I just bought fifteen dollars worth of candy bars, what do you think?
Ross Geller: Uh-huh. What happened?
Rachel Green: I made the mistake of telling him that I was pregnant.
Ross Geller: Ah, he didn't uh, take it so well?
Rachel Green: Well better than you, but y'know still not what you want.
Ross Geller: Oh?
Rachel Green: He got all weird and sputtery and then he said uh, "Yeah, I hear those hemorrhoids are a bitch."
Ross Geller: He sounds swell.
Rachel Green: Doesn't he?
Ross Geller: Hey, wanna...wanna a little cheering up?
Rachel Green: Yes.
Ross Geller: Sit down.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Ross Geller: Guess whose middle name is Muriel.
Rachel Green: Chandler M. Bing?
Ross Geller: Yeah-ha!
Rachel Green: Oh my God.
Ross Geller: I'm sorry about your date.
Rachel Green: Oh it's all right. I'm guess I'm just done with the whole dating thing. It's one more thing in my life that's suddenly completely different. This is hard.
Ross Geller: Yeah I know. On the other hand in um, in about seven months you're gonna have something that you're gonna love more than any guy you've ever gone out with. Just wait. Wait until uh, wait until the first time your baby grabs your finger. You have no idea.
Rachel Green: Thanks sweetie.
Ross Geller: You wanna, you wanna grab some coffee?
Rachel Green: Oh no, I think I'm gonna go home and eat ten candy bars.
Ross Geller: Hey, I thought I cheered you up.
Rachel Green: Oh you did, there are twenty in here.
Ross Geller: Right. Good night.
Rachel Green: Good night.
Mona: Ross?
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Mona: Hey it's Mona! From the wedding.
Ross Geller: Oh hi!
Mona: Hi!
Ross Geller: Wow! Uh...how are you?
Mona: I'm good except umm, you still owe me a dance.
Ross Geller: Oh that's right. Well uh, would you be interested in seeing a Ukrainian film?
Mona: Oh you're serious. Sure!
Ross Geller: Great! Well umm...
Mona: I think I might need one more cup of coffee.
Ross Geller: Sure! Uh, let me get it for ya.
Mona: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Bob. Bob! Bob!!! What the hell are you doing?!
Bob (Chandler's coworker): I just found out this is Chandler's office! Come on Toby, give me a hand!


Monica Geller: Hey you guys?
Ross Geller: What?
Monica Geller: I know it's last minute, but we decided to have a Halloween party.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh good!
Monica Geller: And everybody has to wear costumes. Come on! It'll be fun!
Ross Geller: Well, I'll-I'll be there. I mean I have to wear a costume to all my classes that day anyway so...
Rachel Green: Please tell me you're not gonna dress up like a dinosaur.
Ross Geller: Not two years in a row.
Joey Tribbiani: Look, I'll come to the party but I'm not dressing up.
Monica Geller: You have to!
Joey Tribbiani: No way! Look, Halloween is so stupid! Dressing up, pretending to be someone you're not...
Chandler Bing: You're an actor!
Monica Geller: So Ross, are you gonna bring Mona?
Ross Geller: Yeah. Yeah, I think I will.
Joey Tribbiani: That hot girl from their wedding?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Well hey-hey if she needs any idea for costumes, she could be a bikini model, or a slutty nurse, or a sexy cheerleader huh-Ooh-ooh, Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre-No-no-no! Slutty Leatherface.
Phoebe Buffay: Now wasn't Joey hitting on her at the wedding too?
Ross Geller: That's right! He was hitting on her, and I got her. I guess the better man won. Please don't take her from me.
Phoebe Buffay: Ursula! Wait! Err-err, it's me! Phoebe!
Ursula Buffay: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay, bye-bye.
Phoebe Buffay: Wait a second! So, what's new with you?
Ursula Buffay: Umm, nothing. I mean, I'm getting married next week.
Phoebe Buffay: What?!
Ursula Buffay: Yeah! Yeah, it's gonna be a small ceremony. Just family. His.
Phoebe Buffay: Huh. Okay. Well, I'm really happy for you.
Ursula Buffay: Wait! If umm, if you want to come, I guess that'd be okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Really?
Ursula Buffay: Sure! Why not? You could be my sister for the day.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Okay. Umm, y'know, my friends are having a Halloween party tonight at my old apartment so, you could come. Maybe I could meet the guy you're marrying.
Ursula Buffay: Huh. Well, I'm supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight. I'm supposed to be working right now, so who cares.
Phoebe Buffay: By the way, it's a costume party.
Ursula Buffay: Oh! Okay, so that's why you're...
Phoebe Buffay: No. But thanks.
Rachel Green: Hi!
Monica Geller: Wait! You're supposed to wear a costume!
Rachel Green: I am! I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress and she wants to wear it, because soon she won't be able to fit into it.
Monica Geller: Oh.
Rachel Green: Ahh!
Monica Geller: I'm Catwoman, who wants to borrow the dress when you're too big for it.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Kids: Trick or treat!
Rachel Green: Oh! Oh! Can I give out the candy? I really want to be with the kids right now. Y'know, ever since I got pregnant I-I have the strongest maternal instincts.
Kids: Trick or treat!!
Rachel Green: Just a minute!!! Look at you guys! Wow! You are a very scary witch.
Witch: Thank you.
Rachel Green: And you are a very funny clown.
Clown: Thank you.
Rachel Green: And you are so in style right now. Y'know, I work at Ralph Lauren and the whole fall line has got this like equestrian theme going on. I don't suppose you saw the cover of British Vogue, but...
Cowgirl: Can I just have the candy?
Rachel Green: Yeah. Sure.
Phoebe Buffay: Ah, Catwoman. So we meet again.
Monica Geller: So we do Supergirl.
Phoebe Buffay: No, it's me. Phoebe!
Chandler Bing: Monica! Can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume...
Rachel Green: Oh, you did this to him?
Monica Geller: What?! I thought he'd love it! His favorite kid's book was the Velveteen Rabbit!
Chandler Bing: The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white!
Monica Geller: Well, it was either a pink bunny or no bunny at all.
Chandler Bing: No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at all!!!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Monica Geller: You didn't dress up either?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yes I did! I'm Chandler. Dude, what happened?
Chandler Bing: How is that me?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. I'm Chandler
Phoebe Buffay: That is so you!
Chandler Bing: When have I ever done that?!
Joey Tribbiani: When have I ever done that?!
Girl: Trick or treat!
Rachel Green: Oh! Well you're just the prettiest ballerina I've ever seen.
Ballerina: Thank you.
Rachel Green: Oh wow! That deserves another piece of candy.
Ballerina: Thank you.
Rachel Green: Well, I have to say that earns tutu pieces of candy.
Ballerina: I love you!
Rachel Green: Ohh... Oh, honey here. Take it all. Monica! We need more candy?
Monica Geller: What?! There's only been like four kids.
Rachel Green: Yeah I know, but one of them just said that she loved me so I just gave her everything.
Phoebe Buffay: No wonder your pregnant.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey.
Monica Geller: What are you supposed to be?
Ross Geller: Remember the Russian satellite, Sputnik? Well, I'm a potato or a...spud. And these are my antennae. So Sputnik, becomes... Spud-nik. Spudnik!
Chandler Bing: Wow! I don't have the worst costume anymore!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey all right, Ross came as doody.
Ross Geller: No, I-I'm not doody.
Monica Geller: No, space doody!
Eric: Aren't you gonna give me a kiss?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I will. But right after you tell me who the hell you are.
Eric: Ursula?
Phoebe Buffay: Ursula's fiance?
Eric: Oh my God, you're the sister!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Eric: Okay, I just slapped my future sister-in-law's ass.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Eric: I'm an idiot. Uh, is your mother here? Maybe I can give her a little slap on the butt.
Phoebe Buffay: My mother killed herself.
Eric: She, now I knew that and...now I'm sweating. Look at me, I'm really sweating-Now I'm saying, "Look at me," I'm getting even sweatier. I think I probably should go.
Phoebe Buffay: No-no! That's okay, we'll just start over. Okay? Hi! I'm Phoebe.
Eric: Eric.
Phoebe Buffay: Why are you looking at me like that?
Eric: 'Cause the sweat's getting in my eyes and its burning.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. So, what are you?
Eric: I don't think they have a name for it. It's just I get nervous; I start sweating like crazy.
Phoebe Buffay: No I-I meant your costume.
Eric: Oh umm, I'm the solar system. Yeah, my students helped me make it-I teach the second grade.
Phoebe Buffay: I love the second grade!
Eric: Really?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! It's so much better than first grade when you don't know what's going on and definitely better than third grade. Y'know with all the politics and mind games.
Eric: So what do you do?
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, I'm a masseuse...by day.
Eric: Y'know you don't have to stand here with me, believe me...
Phoebe Buffay: No I'm having fun. I'm really-And I'm really-really excited for you and Ursula.
Eric: Oh I feel very lucky, she's great. I think she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you.
Monica Geller: Hey Joey?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Monica Geller: You read comic books right?
Joey Tribbiani: Exclusively.
Monica Geller: Who do you think would win in a fight, Catwoman or Supergirl?
Joey Tribbiani: Catwoman, hands down.
Monica Geller: Yeah...
Joey Tribbiani: But between you and Phoebe, I'd have to give the edge to Phoebe.
Monica Geller: What?! Really?!
Joey Tribbiani: Are you kiddin'? Phoebe lived on the street. Okay? Plus, she's got this crazy temper. She-She's not standing right behind me is she?
Monica Geller: No you're fine. All right well, do you think I could take Rachel?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm not sure.
Monica Geller: What?! Come on I am tough! Punch me right here! As hard as you can!
Joey Tribbiani: Will you relax?! What are you taking this so seriously for? It doesn't matter.
Monica Geller: Oh really? Okay? Well what would you say if I told you that, y'know, Ross or Chandler could beat you up?
Joey Tribbiani: I would say, "Woman, please!"
Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Ursula's fiance is really sweet! He's a teacher, he does all this volunteer work. Y'know normally y'know, I don't like really sweaty guys. But this one? I could just mop him up!
Monica Geller: Oh my God, Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Monica Geller: You're getting a crush on your sister's fiance.
Phoebe Buffay: No I'm not! You are!
Joey Tribbiani: Here comes the temper.
Girl: Trick or treat!
Rachel Green: Hi! Y'know what honey, we're actually out of candy right now. But someone just went out to get some and I have been giving out money but I'm out of that too. Hey, can I write you a check?
Girl: Okay!
Rachel Green: Okay, what's your name?
Girl: Lelani Mayolanofavich.
Rachel Green: Okay, I'm just gonna write this out to cash.
Mona: Hi!
Rachel Green: Hey Mona!
Chandler Bing: Oh! Hi!
Mona: Hi!
Chandler Bing: Joey's gonna be thrilled! He was hoping you'd come by as a slutty nurse.
Mona: Umm, actually I'm just a nurse.
Chandler Bing: You'd think that would embarrass me, but you see I'm maxed out.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Mona: Hi!
Ross Geller: You made it!
Mona: Wait-wait! You're umm, you're a potato...
Ross Geller: Well, I'm a spud...
Mona: And the antennae...Oh my God you're Spudnik!
Ross Geller: Yes!
Chandler Bing: Marry her.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, here's a good one for ya. Who do think would win in a fight between Ross and Chandler.
Monica Geller: I can't answer that! Chandler's my husband.
Joey Tribbiani: So Ross?
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Eric: Hey beautiful.
Phoebe Buffay: Hello handsome. Oh God. Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet?
Eric: Two weeks ago.
Phoebe Buffay: Two weeks? That's it?
Eric: Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, and it's not like me to do something so impulsive, but she's just so perfect, and we have so much in common.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh really?
Eric: We're both teachers.
Phoebe Buffay: Huh?
Eric: And we were both in the Peace Corps.
Phoebe Buffay: Peace Corps, really?
Eric: In fact when we were building houses in Uruguay, we were, we were just two towns apart and we never met.
Ursula Buffay: Yeah. It wasn't a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left. Shall we get me really drunk?
Eric: Sure.
Chandler Bing: Howdy doody.
Ross Geller: That's funny. Yeah. Y'know you're the funniest man here in a pink bunny costume his wife made him wear.
Chandler Bing: Oh relax man, relax. You're looking a little flushed.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey-hey, I think we might find out the answer to our question.
Chandler Bing: What question?
Joey Tribbiani: Monica and I were talking about who could kick whose ass in a fight, you or Ross?
Chandler Bing: There's no question.
Joey Tribbiani: So you think Ross too?
Chandler Bing: You picked Ross?!
Monica Geller: Ross is really strong! Okay, he's the strongest out of all three of you! Except for Joey.
Chandler Bing: I cannot believe you didn't pick me.
Ross Geller: Uh, in her defense, she's right. I am stronger. I would destroy you.
Chandler Bing: Oh really?! You think you're stronger? Why don't you prove it?
Ross Geller: Oh I'll prove it! I'll prove it like a theorem!!
Monica Geller: Wait-wait!! Okay, stop it! Stop it! Stop! Now listen, no one's gonna fight in this apartment.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Monica! People came to see a fight, let's give 'em what they came for!
Mona: Hey, you guys could arm wrestle.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Listen to the slutty nurse.
Chandler Bing: You're going down.
Ross Geller: Oh yeah? You're going further down! Downtown!
Joey Tribbiani: Seriously guys, the trash talk is embarrassing.
Rachel Green: Oh Gunther! You brought candy! Thank you so much for picking this up! You are so sweet.
Gunther: Really?
Rachel Green: Honey, someday you are gonna make some man the luckiest guy in the world.
Kid: Trick or treat!
Rachel Green: Gotta go! Hi! Wow! There you go!
Boy In The Cape: My friend Lewis told me you were giving out money.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah, we were but umm, now we've got candy.
Boy In The Cape: I'd rather have the money.
Rachel Green: Well, that-that's not your choice. Happy Halloween!
Boy In The Cape: This isn't fair.
Rachel Green: Well is it fair that all you did was put on a cape and I gotta give you free stuff?
Boy In The Cape: Shut up!
Rachel Green: You shut up!
Boy In The Cape: You can't tell me to shut up!
Rachel Green: Uh, I think I just did. And uh-oh, here it comes again. Shut up!
Joey Tribbiani: Rach?
Rachel Green: Yeah I know-I'm good-I got it! Now wait a minute, I've got one more thing I have to say to you...oh right! Shut up!
Boy In The Cape: You're a mean old woman.
Rachel Green: No! Wait no! Shut up-I mean don't cry! Let me get my checkbook!
Monica Geller: Look honey, you don't have to do this, okay? It's the strength you have inside that means the most to me. You're loyal, you're honest, and you have integrity! That's the kind of strength that I want in the man that I love!
Chandler Bing: That means nothing to me. Come on!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi liar!
Ursula Buffay: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know the only reason he's marrying you is because he thinks all the things you were saying about yourself were true.
Ursula Buffay: Well they could be true.
Phoebe Buffay: But they're not!
Ursula Buffay: Yeah, it's a fine line huh?
Phoebe Buffay: Why are you lying to him?
Ursula Buffay: I don't know. He said he did all this stuff and then I said I did it too and he got so excited, it was really fun.
Eric: Honey?
Ursula Buffay: It's a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now!
Eric: She's helped so many people to quit smoking.
Ursula Buffay: Y'know, we'd really better get going.
Eric: Oh right, you've got a church group meeting tonight.
Ursula Buffay: Right.
Eric: Well, it was nice meeting you.
Phoebe Buffay: You too. And Ursula?! It was really nice meeting you tonight!!
Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs come on! Bunny vs. Doody! We're waiting! Okay. Okay guys, one match, winner take all. Oh wait-wait! What does the winner get?
Ross Geller: Pride.
Chandler Bing: And dignity.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, if you say so. All right, ready? Set! Go!
Mona: Wow! They're both really strong.
Joey Tribbiani: Or equally weak.
Monica Geller: Oh God!
Phoebe Buffay: Hmm?
Monica Geller: Chandler's making his sex face.
Ross Geller: So, you gettin' tired?
Chandler Bing: Nope! I can do this all day.
Ross Geller: Yeah? Me too. Gettin' a little tired though.
Chandler Bing: God, I'm exhausted.
Ross Geller: Look this is starting to look really bad for me. Okay? Mona, Mona's standing right over there. Oh God, she's talking to Joey! You gotta let me win!
Chandler Bing: No way! If anything you've gotta let me win! My wife thinks I'm a wimp!
Ross Geller: Hey, at least you have a wife! I-I keep getting divorces and knockin' people up! And I'm dressed as doody.
Chandler Bing: You're Spudnik.
Ross Geller: Come on, who are we kidding? I'm doody. Please? She's watchin'.
Chandler Bing: Fine. Oh no!
Ross Geller: Oh yeah!
Mona: Yay! My hero!
Joey Tribbiani: You're a weird lady.
Eric: Hey. Ursula said she left her purse.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Eric: What a relief. It has all the numbers of the people in her prayer chain.
Phoebe Buffay: Sure it does. Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Well, I guess I'll see you at the wedding.
Phoebe Buffay: Umm listen, I don't think...I don't think I'm gonna make it to the wedding. So I just want to wish you all the luck in the world.
Eric: I think we'll be okay. Besides it's so perfect and she's been saving herself for me.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay I can't let you do this! She's lying to you.
Eric: What?
Phoebe Buffay: She is lying! And I bet I can prove it. Excuse me. Okay. Okay. Yeah-Not a prayer chain, but what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan. Okay, here's the nametag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress! Not a teacher, a waitress. All right, here's her driver license, this oughta be good, she always lies about this. How old did she say she was?
Eric: She told me she was 25.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I almost don't want to show this. Just remember I'm a minute younger.
Eric: I am so stupid. Of course she was lying! She's not a teacher. There's not such a thing as the top secret elementary school for the children of spies.
Phoebe Buffay: No. You're not, you're not stupid.
Eric: I'm not smart. I just wanted so much to...be impulsive once. To be romantic.
Phoebe Buffay: That's good, you should be impulsive and you should be romantic. Just...you did it with the wrong person. What?
Eric: It's just so weird, two people look so much alike, and so different.
Ursula Buffay: Eric!! Let's go!!
Eric: I'd better go, deal...
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, you should.
Ursula Buffay: Hurry up I gotta pray!!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey! Well, I had to give the kid fifty bucks to stop crying.
Joey Tribbiani: That's not so bad.
Rachel Green: No, I also had to go to a couple houses with him as his girlfriend. Oh, I am just awful with children!
Joey Tribbiani: Come on! You're good with kids. They're just crazy on Halloween. Y'know, they're all greedy and hopped up on sugar!
Rachel Green: Really? You think that's all it is?
Joey Tribbiani: Absolutely! Halloween is the worst. Except for Christmas...and their birthdays. Kinda get a little crazy during the summer too. And anytime they're hungry or sleepy. Y'know, kids are tough. Good luck with that.
Monica Geller: Look, I wanted to tell I'm-I'm sorry you lost.
Chandler Bing: Listen, I've got a secret for ya. I let him win.
Monica Geller: Is that a secret or a lie.
Chandler Bing: No, I let him win-Ross!
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Chandler Bing: Would you tell her I let you win please?
Ross Geller: Oh. Yeah. Uh Chandler let me win. No, Chandler's really strong. Oh my arm is so sore. Oh nurse!
Chandler Bing: I am strong! I'll show you!
Monica Geller: Chandler please!
Chandler Bing: Oh what's the matter? Are you scared?
Monica Geller: Let's go big bunny!
Chandler Bing: Okay. 1...2...3-Go! I'm gonna kill myself!


Monica Geller: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! You cleaned! Look at these floors! You did the windows! Oh, I have been begging you for months and you did! You cleaned! And nagging works!
Chandler Bing: Y'know uh, I didn't actually do this.
Monica Geller: Oh no, was I cleaning in my sleep again?
Chandler Bing: No, it wasn't you.
Monica Geller: Well then who?
Chandler Bing: I got a maid. Yay!
Monica Geller: I hope by maid you mean mistress, because if some other woman was here cleaning then...
Chandler Bing: Uh honey, I know you don't like to relinquish control...
Monica Geller: Oh, relinquish is just a fancy word for lose!
Chandler Bing: Look, she's really nice. Okay? And she mentioned that she adored the way that you arranged the sponges.
Monica Geller: Did she really say that?
Chandler Bing: Yes, I distinctly remember 'cause I thought it was a joke. Now just give her a chance, okay?
Monica Geller: Fine, I can do it. Whew.
Chandler Bing: What's the matter?
Monica Geller: Well, usually when I'm this anxious, I clean!
Phoebe Buffay: Who's cell phone is that? It's just so annoying; everywhere you go.
Ross Geller: I think it's coming from your bag.
Phoebe Buffay: I never get calls!! Hello?
Eric: Hi, it's Eric. From the Halloween party, Ursula's fiance.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God Eric hi! Wait, how'd you get this number?
Eric: Oh, I have a friend who's a cop and he got it for me.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! What an incredible violation-and wonderful surprise.
Eric: Uh listen, I just-I thought you should know I broke up with Ursula.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh you did? He did it! He did it!
Rachel Green: Wow! What did he do?
Phoebe Buffay: Shhh! I'm talking.
Eric: Anyway, I was wondering if, you were the sort of person who...eats lunch.
Phoebe Buffay: Are you asking me out? 'Cause it would be kinda weird since you just broke up with my sister.
Eric: Yeah uh...okay. I'm-I'm sorry. Bye.
Phoebe Buffay: No! Wait! I was just saying that so you'd think I was a good person. Fight for me.
Eric: Uhh, I won't take no for an answer.
Phoebe Buffay: Not great, but we can work on it at lunch. Okay, I can be at your apartment in two hours.
Eric: Great! But wh-wh-How do you know where I live?
Phoebe Buffay: I've got friends too. Okay, bye.
Eric: Bye.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! I'm going out with Eric! Ooh, this day is really gonna be so much better than I thought it was gonna be. Oh Ross, I can't make lunch.
Ross Geller: So apparently I'm available for lunch.
Rachel Green: I can't. I'm busy. I'm apartment hunting.
Ross Geller: You're moving?
Rachel Green: Yeah, I can't live with Joey once the baby comes. I don't want my child's first words to be, "How you doin'?"
Ross Geller: So does-does Joey know you're moving?
Rachel Green: Well, I haven't discussed it with him yet, but I know he's gonna be relieved. Last week, he brought this girl over and I started talking to her about morning sickness and then I showed her pictures from my pregnancy book.
Ross Geller: That's not really porn.
Rachel Green: Not so much.
Ross Geller: Hey, y'know what and if you're looking for a place? I just heard in the elevator this morning that a woman in my building died.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Was she old? Does she have a view?
Ross Geller: Well I don't know, but how-how great would that be huh? You living in my building. I could help take care of the baby. I can come over whenever I want. With your permission.
Rachel Green: Yeah that would really be great.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Well can we see it?! Oh maybe we shouldn't. I mean if she just died this morning out of respect.
Ross Geller: Yeah. No. No you're right.
Rachel Green: Shall we?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Yes?
Ross Geller: Hi. I'm Ross Geller. I live in the building.
Rachel Green: And I'm Rachel, an admirer of the building.
Ross Geller: I-I heard about Mrs. Verhoeven passing away and I'm so sorry for your loss.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: She didn't pass.
Ross Geller: What?
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: My mother's still alive.
Ross Geller: Oh, thank God!
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: It looked like we were gonna lose her this morning, but she's a tough old bird.
Rachel Green: Ahh.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Are you close with her?
Ross Geller: Of course! Uh yeah, she and I would talk all the time in-in the laundry room.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: You Speak Dutch? Zeer Vereerd Een Vriend Van Mijn Moeder Te Ontmoeten.
Ross Geller: Y'know I would it's just painful.
Rachel Green: So she's really not dead.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: No, she's hanging in there.
Rachel Green: Hmm. Do you think-Could you tell me if she's hanging in, in a one bedroom or a two?
Brenda: Mrs. Bing, this tile cleaner is incredible! Where'd you get it?
Monica Geller: Oh well umm, I make it myself! It's two parts ammonia and one part lemon juice. And now the secret ingredient is...y'know what? We just met.
Brenda: Okay. Uhh, I'm gonna go get the clothes from the laundry room now. And, when I come back I'll clean behind the refrigerator.
Monica Geller: I love her.
Brenda: I'll be back in a minute.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Chandler Bing: See? I told you.
Monica Geller: She stole my jeans!
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: I have been looking for them all week and she is wearing them!
Chandler Bing: So she stole your pants and then she came back and wore them in front of you?
Monica Geller: Don't you see? It's the perfect crime!
Chandler Bing: She must've been planning this for years!
Monica Geller: I will prove it to you! Okay? About a week ago I was wearing those jeans and I dropped a pen in my lap and it left an ink stain on the crotch. Now when she comes back I will find it and show you that stain!
Chandler Bing: Honey, isn't it possible that the company that sold the jeans made more than just the one pair?
Monica Geller: I guess.
Chandler Bing: So, shouldn't we go give her the benefit of the doubt before we go...snooping around her crotch?
Monica Geller: Fine. I'm just glad I didn't give her my secret ingredient.
Chandler Bing: Out of curiosity, what is your secret ingredient?
Monica Geller: Yeah!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi!
Eric: Come in, I'm so glad you're here.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, me too. Not in the shaky angry way you are though.
Eric: Sorry, I just saw Ursula. I had to give the engagement ring back.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Eric: Just seeing her brought it all back. All the lies, the way she used me. I just...I got so angry just looking at her...face.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Yeah.
Eric: I'm sorry. I just...when I look at you I see her. When I see her I get a little bit angry.
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe this is too weird.
Eric: No wait! There's only a problem when I look at you. Oh I got it! I got it.
Phoebe Buffay: No don't tear out your eyes!!
Eric: I was just, I was just gonna take out my lenses.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah try that. So, is that better?
Eric: Not really. You...you're blurry, but you still look like Ursula. You're Blursula. Okay wait. Maybe...If I-if I just don't look at you for a while. See? It...it works. I'm not, I'm not angry at all anymore! This is a great date!
Phoebe Buffay: Look Eric, turn around. Look, I like you, but it shouldn't be this hard. Y'know? This is our first date y'know? First dates are supposed to be about excitement and electricity and 'Ooh, he just touched my hand, did he mean to touch my hand?' and y'know first kisses and...second kisses.
Ross Geller: Thanks for the coffee, or bedankt voor de koffie, Gunter.
Gunther: Jij Spreekt Nederlands? Dat Is Te Gek. Heb Je Familie Daar?
Ross Geller: Yeah, we're done.
Gunther: Ezel.
Ross Geller: Ezel? Ezel? Ezel?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Ross! Listen, do you want to go see that new Imax movie on tide pools?
Ross Geller: Really?!
Joey Tribbiani: No. But I got Knicks tickets for you, me, and Chandler.
Ross Geller: Sweet!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, well finish your coffee; let's go.
Ross Geller: Okay I-I just have to stop by my place first.
Joey Tribbiani: To tape the game? You do this every time Ross, you're not gonna be on TV!
Ross Geller: No-no, I-I have to see if this apartment became available.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you're switching apartments?
Ross Geller: It's not for me, it's for Rachel.
Joey Tribbiani: But Rachel has an apartment.
Ross Geller: Yeah, but when the baby comes she's gonna want to move.
Joey Tribbiani: She is?
Ross Geller: Yeah, you didn't expect her to live there with a baby did you?
Joey Tribbiani: I guess I didn't really think about it.
Ross Geller: Ezel! Hey Gunther! You're an ezel!
Gunther: Jij Hebt Seks Met Ezels.
Ross Geller: Damnit!
Monica Geller: Nice jeans!
Brenda: Oh thanks! I like your top.
Monica Geller: Oh. You're not gettin' it.
Brenda: What happened?!
Monica Geller: Oh, I fell asleep.
Brenda: I was thinking about taking my lunch break.
Monica Geller: Oh, will you do the top of the cabinets? That'll really work up your appetite for lunch.
Brenda: All right.
Monica Geller: Hello.
Brenda: What's going on?!
Monica Geller: I'm sorry. I've never had a maid before, is this not okay?
Rachel Green: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Rachel Green: How was the game?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, okay. I...I ate way too much.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh. So umm, I was talkin' to Ross and he said you were looking for a new place.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah! Hopefully across the street if certain Dutch people would just let go.
Joey Tribbiani: I was kinda hoping you'd stay.
Rachel Green: Oh but Joey, I have to go. There's no room for a baby here.
Joey Tribbiani: No room? It's a baby. It's like this big. Y'know, I mean you-you could you could put it over here. Or-or-or we could put it right here. Aw, it's cute, right? Or-or we could put it over here. You wouldn't even notice it. Where's the baby?
Rachel Green: Honey, it's not just a matter of where you put it. I mean a baby changes everything. They cry all the time. I mean imagine bringing home some girl and trying to score when there's a screaming baby around.
Joey Tribbiani: I could use a challenge! It's getting pretty easy.
Rachel Green: Honey, it's so sweet that you want me to stay, but I-I can't do that to you. I mean it would disrupt your entire life.
Joey Tribbiani: I love living with you so much. I just wish things didn't have to change.
Rachel Green: I know.
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know I blame Ross for this.
Rachel Green: I do too a little bit.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm gonna miss you, you're the hottest roommate I ever had.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, oh no! I have to go! I have a massage appointment.
Eric: Oh no, stay here we'll keep doing this. I'll pay you.
Phoebe Buffay: No, I got in trouble for that before. I'll see you later.
Eric: Absolutely. I love the way you kiss.
Phoebe Buffay: Really? That's the thing I'm worse at! You'll see.
Chandler Bing: Hi!
Monica Geller: Hey! Umm, I think Brenda needs a raise.
Chandler Bing: How come?
Monica Geller: Because I put my head between her legs.
Chandler Bing: To see her pants?
Monica Geller: They're my pants!
Chandler Bing: Are you sure? Did you see the stain?
Monica Geller: No! I was just getting into position and then everything went dark.
Chandler Bing: God! She is not stealing from us! Okay, will you let this go?
Monica Geller: Fine. She's wearing my bra!
Chandler Bing: Oh dear God!
Monica Geller: My pink flowered bra! I recognize the strap!
Chandler Bing: And yet you don't recognize that you're crazy.
Monica Geller: Here's the plan! Okay? I'm going to leave you get a look at Brenda's bra!
Chandler Bing: Here's another plan...No!
Monica Geller: I would do it but she thinks I'm attracted to her!
Chandler Bing: Why?
Monica Geller: Did you not hear where my head was? Come on! Come on we're a team! We're in this together!
Chandler Bing: I fear a jury will see it the same way!
Monica Geller: Do this for me! Come on, I catch you looking at woman's breasts all the time!
Chandler Bing: You see that?
Monica Geller: Do you see this?
Chandler Bing: All right. Yes. Okay. I get your point. But if it's not your bra will you just let the woman clean the apartment?!
Monica Geller: Yes! Absolutely. Okay? Look, you'll know it's mine because on the right cup, the lacey part, there's a very noticeable rip.
Chandler Bing: You need new clothes.
Ross Geller: Hi. How is she?
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: It's not looking good.
Ross Geller: Oh. Oh. Well I uh, I brought her some bloemen.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: That's so sweet. Would you like to come in and say good-bye? I'm sure it would mean a lot to her.
Ross Geller: Oh I don't know that it would.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Well, her memory is pretty much gone.
Ross Geller: All right then.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Eric: Welcome back!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Can we pick up where we left off?
Eric: I don't know, I'm still pretty tired out from this afternoon.
Phoebe Buffay: Why?
Eric: Uh, the sex.
Phoebe Buffay: What sex?
Eric: Our sex.
Phoebe Buffay: We didn't have sex.
Eric: Well if I didn't have sex with you, I had sex with someone that looked an awful lot like...
Phoebe Buffay: Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!
Eric: Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! No! No! No!
Phoebe Buffay: You-you...you had sex with Ursula?!
Eric: Uh, a little bit. She-she-she walked in and I thought she was you and I kissed her and...
Phoebe Buffay: You didn't notice she was wearing different clothes?!
Eric: Well I was just so excited to see you.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Ew! Ew! Ew! Ugh! Y'know what? This is too weird.
Eric: No-no it's not! I don't want to lose you! It's-it's like I was saying to Ursula when I was making love to her and I thought she was you-Yeah it is too weird.
Phoebe Buffay: So I guess this is it.
Eric: Yeah. Maybe it's for the best. You smell just like her.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, so do you.
Brenda: What are you doing?
Chandler Bing: I'm leaning. This is where I lean.
Brenda: Okay. (Goes over and fluffs up the pillows on the couch.
Chandler Bing: Brenda a bee!
Brenda: What?
Chandler Bing: Yes! It's flown into your blouse and you'd better undo your buttons lest it sting you!
Brenda: I think I know what's going on here.
Chandler Bing: You do?
Brenda: Look, I know it must be hard that your wife is a lesbian, but it's wrong. You're married.
Chandler Bing: I totally understand. Can I just see your bra?
Rachel Green: Hi!
Monica Geller: Where did you get those jeans?!
Rachel Green: You gave them to me!
Monica Geller: No I didn't!
Rachel Green: All right, I took them. But I figured it would be okay because you got a big ink stain on the crotch.
Monica Geller: Oh no! Did you take my bra too?!
Rachel Green: What bra?
Monica Geller: The pink one with the flowers?!
Rachel Green: You mean the one that you're wearing?
Brenda: I quit!
Monica Geller: Sounds about right.
Rachel Green: What is this?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Uh, this is just to give you an idea. Okay well, we can put screens here, so that the baby has privacy, and-and-and maybe a mobile over the crib. And uh-Oh look! Here's a baby monitor , which until the baby comes we can use as walkie-talkies. Huh?
Rachel Green: You're so sweet. Oh my God! And you gave the baby Hugsy!
Joey Tribbiani: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh... That-that-that's really just to show where the baby would go. Y'know why don't I hold on to him so that there's no confusion?
Rachel Green: But Joey the baby is going to be crying, it's going to be loud.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm loud!
Rachel Green: It's gonna be up all night!
Joey Tribbiani: I'm up all night!
Rachel Green: It's gonna poop!
Joey Tribbiani: Hello!
Rachel Green: What about all the women you want to bring home?
Joey Tribbiani: Look, if I'm bringing home a woman who can't stand being around a baby, then maybe I don't want to be with that woman! Or maybe we'll just do it in the bathroom of the club!
Rachel Green: Joey, are you sure?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! All right-Look, I know sometimes it'll be hard, okay? But, it'll also be really...really great. Please Rachel! I-I-I really want you to stay.
Rachel Green: I want me to stay too.
Joey Tribbiani: Ohh!
Rachel Green: Thank you. Oh Joey and look at this crib! It's so cute!
Joey Tribbiani: I know! I found it on the street.
Rachel Green: Are you serious-Really?! It's in such good condition.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Wow! Whoa-whoa what's under the covers?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know.
Rachel Green: It's moving.
Joey Tribbiani: Ew.
Rachel Green: It's still-It's got a tail! Get it out of here! Get it out of here!!
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh! Ah! Okay!
Ross Geller: Well, the old lady died. And how do I know? Her dying wish was for one last kiss. But I don't care, because you got the apartment. Yes!
Rachel Green: Ewww. Yeah. Umm. I think I'm gonna stay here.
Joey Tribbiani: Isn't that great?
Ross Geller: Ezels!!


Rachel Green: Hey Pheebs?
Phoebe Buffay: Huh?
Rachel Green: I'm having dinner with my dad tomorrow night, do you wanna come?
Phoebe Buffay: Sure. Yeah, he's kinda sexy.
Rachel Green: Oh no, no, I'll be there too.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay so, we'll just come up with some kind of signal if it's going well you can take off.
Rachel Green: No Phoebe! I just need you there for support. I haven't told him I'm pregnant yet.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Why not?
Rachel Green: 'Cause I know he's gonna flip out and I hate it when he's angry.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh Rachel, this is all so 'Papa don't preach.'
Rachel Green: What Phoebe? Wait! One time he caught me smoking he said if he ever saw me doing that again he'd make me eat the entire pack.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! Oh well, I will be there!
Rachel Green: Thank you.
Phoebe Buffay: Gosh. I'm not gonna let that man make you eat your baby. Oh. Hey! Who is that guy? I think I know him.
Monica Geller: No you don't!
Rachel Green: No you don't.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God!!! Monica!! He's the stripper from your bachelorette party!!
Chandler Bing: Her what?!!
Phoebe Buffay: Your secret bachelorette party...
Chandler Bing: You had a bachelorette party?!
Phoebe Buffay: She untied his G-string with her teeth. Somebody stop me!
Chandler Bing: I thought we weren't gonna have bachelor/bachelorette parties! Y'know, we agreed that it was a silly tradition.
Joey Tribbiani: It's a grand tradition!
Monica Geller: I'm sorry, they surprised me. There was nothing I could do!
Rachel Green: Well you could've untied it with your hands.
Joey Tribbiani: This is so unfair! The one thing I wanted to do was throw my best friend a bachelor party, but no, I wasn't allowed to. All I got was a stupid steak dinner!
Chandler Bing: You went home with the waitress.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, that was a pretty good night.
Chandler Bing: I can't believe you didn't tell me! You know that the two pillars of marriage are openness and honesty!
Monica Geller: Ugh, I knew giving you that book was gonna come back and bite me in the ass!
Leonard Green: How about I order everyone the Moroccan chicken?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I-I don't eat meat.
Leonard Green: It's chicken.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I don't eat that either.
Leonard Green: I'll never understand you lesbians. So baby, tell me...what is new with you.
Rachel Green: Well actually umm...
Waiter: Your '74 Lafite sir.
Leonard Green: '74?! I ordered the '75! That's a magnificent wine! The '74 is sewage! Why would you bring me sewage?! Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot? Is that why you're a waiter?
Waiter: This is why I told the manager I wouldn't wait on you tonight!
Leonard Green: Oh come on! Don't be such a baby!
Rachel Green: In case you didn't notice, that is a scary man.
Phoebe Buffay: He's right though, the '74 is absolute piss.
Rachel Green: This was such a huge mistake. I can't tell him Phoebe. I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't...
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel!
Rachel Green: No it's okay, this is what's gonna happen. I'm gonna wait a couple years and then the baby will tell him.
Phoebe Buffay: Why, so he can get mad at the baby?
Rachel Green: Hey, that is the...baby's problem. Oh, everything okay with the waiter?
Leonard Green: I have no idea, I went to the bathroom. So sweetie, you were starting to tell me what is uh, what is new with you.
Rachel Green: Well... Umm, I got TiVo.
Leonard Green: What's TiVo?
Phoebe Buffay: It's slang for pregnant.
Rachel Green: Phoebe!
Leonard Green: Are you really pregnant?
Rachel Green: Well uh, yes and no. Except not no. So to sum it up, yeah.
Leonard Green: Who is the father? Oh no! Please don't tell me it's her!
Rachel Green: No, it's Ross. It's Ross. You like Ross. Oh daddy, I hope you're okay with all of this. I mean think about it, this is a good thing. You're gonna-This is your first grandchild! You're gonna be a poppy!
Leonard Green: That's true.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Leonard Green: Poppy. Oh, I'm gonna be a poppy. So when is the wedding?
Rachel Green: Who?
Leonard Green: The wedding! There's going to be a wedding. Young lady, don't you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard! Rachel Karen Green, tell me there is gonna be a wedding!!
Rachel Green: February 2nd!
Mona: So it was really cool seeing you lecture today.
Ross Geller: Oh thanks. Although it kinda seemed like you were falling asleep there a little.
Mona: Oh no-no, I-I had my eyes closed so I could concentrate and y'know take it all in.
Ross Geller: Yeah, a lot of my students do that.
Mona: So, I gotta get going.
Ross Geller: Okay, I-I'll see you tonight.
Mona: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Okay, bye.
Mona: Oh hey, thanks again for showing me your semi-precious stone collection. It was amazing!
Chandler Bing: My God! You must be good in bed!
Joey Tribbiani: So uh, you and Mona, been a while now. How's it going?
Ross Geller: Ah, it's good. It's going good. I mean, we get along great. She's, she's so...
Joey Tribbiani: Hot?
Ross Geller: Well, I was gonna say sweet, but yeah-huh!
Chandler Bing: She's okay with Rachel and the baby?
Ross Geller: Well I...I haven't actually told her yet. I don't want to scare her off, y'know?
Chandler Bing: Well, you have to honest with her! Otherwise you may think that you're going down the same path, but you're really going down different ones.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm gonna take that book and beat you to death with it.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! You are gonna love me so much! I felt really bad about the whole bachelorette party thing, so tonight you're gonna have a bachelor party.
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: Yeah, I got this number from this guy at work and I hired a stripper to come dance for you. Am I going in the wife hall of fame or what?!
Chandler Bing: Honey! That's crazy! I don't want you to get me a stripper...
Joey Tribbiani: Will you let the lady talk?!
Monica Geller: Come on! Come on, it'll be fun! It'll make me feel so much better.
Chandler Bing: Look, I appreciate it, but uh, it's a little creepy. Y'know? I'm not a bachelor anymore.
Monica Geller: So don't think of it as a bachelor party, think of it as a...a two month anniversary present.
Ross Geller: Sure, one year is paper, but two months is lapdance!
Monica Geller: Please! I feel so bad! Just watch the hot woman get naked!
Chandler Bing: All right fine! But I'm only doing this for you!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!
Chandler Bing: And Joey.
Monica Geller: Thank you. All right, now who else do you want to invite?
Chandler Bing: Ah, no-no-no just Ross. Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough.
Ross Geller: Uh actually, sorry I can't even make it. I'm seeing Mona again tonight.
Chandler Bing: I Understand who would cancel an actual date to go to a fake bachelor party?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry I gotta cancel tonight baby...
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I'm really busy that day. Yeah, I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.
Rachel Green: I know. I know. I panicked, I panicked. I didn't want him to start yelling at me like I was some '74 Latour.
Phoebe Buffay: It's Lafite. The '74 Latour is actually drinking quite nicely.
Rachel Green: All right here he comes. I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna tell him, I'm gonna be strong.
Leonard Green: I just called a friend of mine.
Rachel Green: Yeah?
Leonard Green: I think I may be able to book The Plaza on short notice.
Rachel Green: Really?! The Plaza?!! Oh daddy!! Right. Daddy, I need to talk to you. Please, sit down.
Leonard Green: What is it sweetie?
Rachel Green: There's not gonna be a wedding. Ross and I are not getting married.
Leonard Green: What?!
Rachel Green: I'm sorry daddy.
Leonard Green: I don't believe this!!
Rachel Green: Oh now daddy, stay calm. Please.
Leonard Green: Stay calm?!! How do you expect me to stay calm?! This is unacceptable Rachel! And I wanna know why?!! Is it because that punk Ross won't marry you?! That's it! Is that it?!
Rachel Green: Yes. Yes, he says I'm damaged goods.
Joey Tribbiani: So you uh, nervous about getting married?
Chandler Bing: What are you doing?
Joey Tribbiani: Look, look let's pretend it's a real bachelor party. Okay? Y'know? Before your wedding. Come on, it'll be fun.
Chandler Bing: Okay. I can't believe tomorrow's the big day.
Joey Tribbiani: How does it feel knowing you're never gonna be with another woman again huh? Knowing you're gonna have to wake up to the same face everyday until you finally have the sweet release of death.
Chandler Bing: You're right, this is more fun.
Joey Tribbiani: That's her! Okay, come on!
Stripper: Hi!
Chandler Bing: Hi.
Stripper: So which one of you lucky boys is Chandler?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, that-that's-that's me!
Chandler Bing: That's me.
Joey Tribbiani: Joey Tribbiani, a big fan.
Stripper: So is that a bedroom?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, yeah right over there.
Stripper: All right, whenever you're ready.
Chandler Bing: That was weird.
Joey Tribbiani: Why-why would she go in the bedroom?
Stripper: I'm waiting.
Chandler Bing: So she's a...
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, that's one naked hooker!
Mona: I love your place! Where is this guy from?
Ross Geller: Uh that's an eighteenth century Indian artifact from Calcutta.
Mona: Oh wow! So, you're more than just dinosaurs.
Ross Geller: So much more.
Mona: Oh my God! Oh my God! I'm so sorry!
Ross Geller: Aw forget it, it's from Pier One. Sorry.
Leonard Green: You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?! I'm gonna kill you!!
Ross Geller: Y'know this is actually not a great time for me.
Leonard Green: So? Come on! Explain yourself Geller! First you get my Rachel pregnant!
Mona: You got Rachel pregnant?!
Ross Geller: Who did?!
Leonard Green: You did!
Ross Geller: Yes. Yes, yes I did. But-but it was, it was just a one night thing. It meant nothing.
Leonard Green: Oh? Really? That's what my daughter means to you? Nothing?
Ross Geller: No! No sir umm, she means a lot to me. I mean, I care-I-I love Rachel.
Mona: What?!
Ross Geller: Oh but not that way. I mean...I mean I'm not in love with her. I love her like a, like a friend.
Leonard Green: Oh really? That's how treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then refuse to marry her?
Ross Geller: Hey! I offered to marry her!
Mona: Wh...
Ross Geller: But I didn't want to.
Leonard Green: Well why not? So you can spend your time with this tramp?!
Mona: Tramp?!
Ross Geller: I'm sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.
Chandler Bing: I can't believe there is a naked hooker in there!
Joey Tribbiani: Wait! Wait! Maybe she's a hooker and a stripper, but she got confused about what she's supposed to do.
Chandler Bing: Could be. I mean technically she did strip, we just, we just missed it. Ma'am, are you also a stripper?
Hooker: Uh, no. But I could pretend to strip, but that's gonna cost extra. Okay, here's the extras, handcuffs, spanking...
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe Monica's playing a joke on ya. Y'know? Getting her own husband a hooker, that's pretty funny.
Chandler Bing: That is funny, maybe for my birthday she'll murder someone.
Joey Tribbiani: I bet Ross was in on it too. I mean he was conveniently busy.
Hooker: Do you mind if I smoke in here?
Chandler Bing: Oh actually, I'd rather you...Yeah, go ahead. We're gonna have to burn that room down anyway.
Mona: How could you have kept all of this from me?
Ross Geller: I was going to tell you, but...
Leonard Green: But what?! You figured you'd get what you wanted and then dump her like you dumped Rachel!
Ross Geller: Hey! I did not dump Rachel! Nor are we still together. Can I just... Why don't we just let the machine get that?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Ross. It's Joey. There's a hooker over here and we thought maybe you'd know something about it.
Ross Geller: No! No! No! No! No! I-I-I-I-I need to, I need to lie down.
Stu: So, tonight's the night of the big bachelor party?
Monica Geller: Yeah! Hey! Thanks for getting me that girl's number.
Stu: No problem. So who's the party for?
Monica Geller: My husband.
Stu: You hired your husband a hooker?
Monica Geller: She's a stripper.
Stu: No, she's a hooker.
Monica Geller: Is that, is that what they call strippers sometimes?
Stu: When they're hookers.
Monica Geller: Oh my God Stu! I-I can't believe you did this! Now are you absolutely sure she's a hooker?
Stu: Either that or she's just the best, most expensive date I ever had.
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe she meant to get you a hooker.
Chandler Bing: Why would she do that?
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe she wants you to learn something. Huh? Now is there anything you're really bad at y'know, sexually?
Chandler Bing: This is the worst bachelor party ever!
Hooker: What's taking you boys so long?
Joey Tribbiani: In a minute!
Chandler Bing: In a minute? What's gonna happen in a minute?!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, all right maybe-maybe you should just ask her to leave.
Chandler Bing: Why me?!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! It's your bachelor party.
Chandler Bing: Which is why you should do it.
Joey Tribbiani: I don't want to. You do it!
Chandler Bing: You do it!
Joey Tribbiani: You do it!
Chandler Bing: All right Rock, Paper, Scissors who has to tell the whore to leave! What?
Joey Tribbiani: I miss this.
Chandler Bing: I don't think we've actually done this before!
Joey Tribbiani: No, I-I miss hanging out with you.
Chandler Bing: Well we...we still hang out.
Joey Tribbiani: Not like we used to. Remember? You and me used to be inseparable. Y'know now it's like...things are different.
Chandler Bing: Well y'know, things are different. I'm...I'm married now.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh sure-And hey, don't get me wrong, I am so happy for you guys. I just...I miss...hanging out...just-just us, y'know?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I miss that too. I tell you what; from now on we'll make time to hang out with each other.
Joey Tribbiani: You got it. Come here.
Hooker: Oh God! Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys.
Monica Geller: She's a hooker! She's a hooker! She's a... Hi! Uh, we spoke on the phone.
Ross Geller: So your dad dropped by. He's a pleasant man!
Rachel Green: Oh no...
Phoebe Buffay: I'D Better Go. Just Over Here I don't want to miss the fight.
Rachel Green: Ross I'm so sorry. Okay. I-I will promise I will straighten this out with him tomorrow in person, or via e-mail.
Ross Geller: I don't care about your dad! I care about Mona! She was there and now she's totally freaked out!
Rachel Green: Oh okay, I'll fix that to. What's her e-mail address?
Ross Geller: Rachel!
Rachel Green: All right, I promise. I'll fix this. I swear. I'll-I'll-I'll-I'll talk to her.
Ross Geller: Okay!
Rachel Green: Okay.
Ross Geller: Thank you!
Phoebe Buffay: That's it?! You call that a fight? Come on! "We were on a break!" "No we weren't!" What happened to you two?!
Ross Geller: Thank you so much for coming back over.
Mona: Oh good, you're here. Yeah, and I was worried that it was going to be uncomfortable.
Rachel Green: I know Mona, just hear me out. First of all, I'm so sorry about my father yelling at you, but I heard you totally held your own. You're gonna have to tell me how you did that.
Ross Geller: Focus.
Rachel Green: Okay. Um...But-Okay, yes Ross and I used to date. And yes we are gonna have a baby. But we are definitely not getting back together.
Mona: How can I be sure on that?
Rachel Green: Oh we just-we drove each other crazy!
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: I mean he was possessive, he was jealous, he could never just let the little things go!
Ross Geller: Trying to date this woman.
Rachel Green: Right! But, none of that compared to how kind and-and how gentle and thoughtful he is.
Ross Geller: Probably shouldn't touch me.
Mona: Y'know, I-I-I just...I don't want to get in the middle of something so complicated.
Rachel Green: I know, I get it, but Mona, what relationship is not complicated? I mean we all have our baggage! You must too! Why else would you still be single? I am so gonna leave right now.
Ross Geller: Should I leave this open for you too?
Mona: I'm not sure yet. Why didn't you just tell me about all this?
Ross Geller: Because what's going on with Rachel has nothing to do with how I feel about you.
Mona: Yeah? Well you still shoulda told me.
Ross Geller: I know and I was going to, but I thought it was better that you heard it from Rachel's father. Look I...I made a mistake, but it's only because I really, really like you. Really!
Mona: Okay, I guess you can...close the door now.
Rachel Green: Forgot my purse! Oh, you guys made up. He's a good kisser isn't he? I'm going!
Monica Geller: I swear I didn't know she was a hooker! I mean wh-Did you let her smoke in here?
Chandler Bing: Her ass print is still on your grandmother's quilt, do you really want to talk about smoking?
Monica Geller: Y'know what? I'm gonna make this up to you. I promised you a stripper , and you're gonna get a stripper.
Chandler Bing: Monica! Wait!
Monica Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: Carry on.
Monica Geller: Ooh, these tennis shoes are so tight. I think I'll take them off.
Chandler Bing: Could you not narrate?
Monica Geller: Gotcha sailor.
Leonard Green: ...just because you're not in love with the guy you can't...
Phoebe Buffay: Wow, you told your dad the truth.
Rachel Green: About an hour ago.
Phoebe Buffay: Wanna go see a movie?
Rachel Green: Yes! Bye daddy.
Leonard Green: ...there's gonna be a wedding! That's unacceptable Rachel! What the hell does love have to do with it anyway?! There are more important things in a marriage other than love! ...constantly thinking about things! You have to think about the consequences of your decision.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! I do too think about the consequences of my decisions! What gives you the right to... Go to hell! Stupid guy on my phone.


Joey Tribbiani: Hey Rach listen, did you know that during pregnancy your fingers swell up to twice their size and never go back.
Rachel Green: Oh my...God! Let me see that!
Joey Tribbiani: You fall for it every time!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: I brought you my old maternity clothes!
Rachel Green: Oh Pheebs that's so sweet-Ooh, those are so cute!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! And look, see how they expand as the baby grows? And then after the baby's born, they're great for shoplifting melons.
Monica Geller: Oh good you're all here. Thanksgiving tomorrow, four o'clock. Oh, guess who I invited. Remember that guy Will Colbert from high school?
Rachel Green: No.
Monica Geller: He was in Ross's class...marching band...kinda overweight? Well, really overweight. I mean I was his thin friend.
Rachel Green: Wow! I don't remember him. Honey, are you sure you're not talking about your imaginary boyfriend.
Monica Geller: No that was Jarred! Wow! I haven't thought about him in a long time... Anyway, umm Will's, Will's here on business and he didn't have a place to go so I invited him here.
Rachel Green: Oh that's nice.
Monica Geller: Oh, and by the way, he's lost a bunch of weight. I mean he looks goo-ood! Okay, I mean really, really gorgeous! I still love Chandler.
Joey Tribbiani: I just want you to say it once in a while.
Monica Geller: All right okay, just so you know, I'm not gonna make a turkey this year.
Joey Tribbiani: What?!
Monica Geller: Well Phoebe doesn't eat turkey...
Joey Tribbiani: Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: Turkey's are beautiful, intelligent animals!
Joey Tribbiani: No they're not! They're ugly and stupid and delicious!
Monica Geller: All right! Okay, it's just Phoebe. Will's still on a diet, Chandler doesn't eat Thanksgiving food, and Rachel's having her aversion to poultry.
Joey Tribbiani: She is?
Rachel Green: Remember I had to leave the room the other day when you had that roast chicken?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. But I thought that was because I put the whole thing on my hand and made it walk across the table.
Monica Geller: Anyway, it just doesn't seem worth it to make a whole turkey for just three people. Okay? It's a lot of work.
Joey Tribbiani: But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving! I mean, Thanksgiving with no turkey is like-like Fourth of July with no apple pie! Or Friday with no two pizzas!
Monica Geller: All right fine! If it means that much to you! But just-there's gonna be a ton left over.
Joey Tribbiani: No there won't! I promise I will finish that turkey!
Monica Geller: All right, you're telling me you can eat an entire turkey in just one sitting?
Joey Tribbiani: That's right! 'Cause I'm a Tribbiani! And this is what we do! I mean we may not be great thinkers or world leaders, we don't read a lot or run very fast, but damnit! We can eat!
Monica Geller: Hey, isn't weird to think about how next year at this time they'll be a little baby at the table? Rachel's! But good to know where you're at!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Happy Thanksgiving!
Monica Geller: You too!
Phoebe Buffay: Anything I can do to help?
Monica Geller: Actually there is. Chandler usually helps me with this, but he's really into the game so I don't want to bother him. Could you help me fold these napkins?
Phoebe Buffay: Sure!
Monica Geller: I'm gonna go across the hall to check on the yams.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Monica Geller: No! No! No! No sweetie! No! Not like that! We're not at a barn dance. You've gotta-you wanna fold them like swans. Like I showed you at Christmas time, remember?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, it all just came screaming back to me. So how's the game?
Chandler Bing: I have no idea.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Chandler Bing: Yeah! I'm just pretending to watch the game so I don't have to help out with stuff.
Phoebe Buffay: I don't believe you! That is...brilliant! And Monica has no idea?
Chandler Bing: Nope! Every once and a while I just scream stuff at the TV.
Monica Geller: Is your team winning hon?
Chandler Bing: Yeah! Anderson just scored again! There's no Anderson.
Phoebe Buffay: Well I want to get in on this. Hey Mon? I don't think I can help you after all, I didn't realize this game was on.
Monica Geller: Oh, I didn't know you liked football.
Phoebe Buffay: Well normally I don't, but y'know...Green Bay is playing.
Monica Geller: You like Green Bay?
Phoebe Buffay: Well it's only like my favorite bay! {Actually, it's not bad. It just gets a little cold in winter, but in Wisconsin winter only lasts from August to June. J }
Monica Geller: Hey!
Will Colbert: Hey!
Will Colbert: Happy Thanksgiving!
Monica Geller: Aww thanks! God Will I'm so glad that you came! You look great! You must've lost like...
Will Colbert: 150 pounds. Yeah, I'm gonna be in one of those Subway sandwich commercials.
Monica Geller: A pie!
Will Colbert: Oh right. All right, it's no fat, it's no sugar, it's no dairy...it's no good. Throw it out.
Monica Geller: You wanna meet some people? This is uh; this is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is Will.
Will Colbert: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Oh hey. I'd shake your hand but uh; I'm really into the game. Plus, I think it'd be better for my ego if we didn't stand right next to each other.
Monica Geller: This is Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Wow! Well done.
Monica Geller: Wanna give me a hand?
Will Colbert: Sure! Monica, I can't get over how great you look! You look stunning!
Monica Geller: Well you look incredible too! You're just-you're so fit!
Chandler Bing: I'm watching the game, but I'm not deaf!
Monica Geller: Oh umm, I meant to tell you, Ross is coming.
Will Colbert: Ross is coming. Great! I love Ross!
Monica Geller: Good. And Rachel Green too.
Will Colbert: Oh.
Monica Geller: Is there a problem?
Will Colbert: Nope. Uh, it's okay. It's just uh, God I hated her.
Monica Geller: What?
Will Colbert: Yeah, I hated her. She was horrible to me in high school. But hey, it was a long time ago, I'm in a good place, it might be actually fun to see her again. You got any cakes or cookies or something? No Will no!
Chandler Bing: Y'know, it's been a while since we've screamed something. Maybe we should.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh okay.
Chandler Bing: Oh come on!
Phoebe Buffay: Noooo!! Damn you ref! You burn in hell!!!
Monica Geller: Hey, what are you doing? You gotta save room, you've got almost an entire turkey to eat.
Joey Tribbiani: Let me explain to you how the human body works. I have to warm my stomach first. Eatin' chips is like stretching.
Monica Geller: All right.
Joey Tribbiani: Don't worry, Tribbianis never get full.
Will Colbert: I actually know what you're talking about. I'm here to tell you something my friend, you can eat and eat and eat but nothing will ever fill that void.
Joey Tribbiani: Who the hell is this guy?
Monica Geller: Will! From high school.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh hey!
Monica Geller: Joey.
Will Colbert: Hello.
Ross Geller: Will!
Will Colbert: Ross!
Ross Geller: Hey-hey you came! Man you look incredible! Hot stuff! Hot stuff?
Will Colbert: It's good to see you man.
Ross Geller: Yeah, you too. Man, so-so what are you up to?
Will Colbert: I'm a commodities broker.
Ross Geller: Really? Yeah that-that sounds interesting.
Will Colbert: Yeah, it's not. But I'm rich and thin.
Ross Geller: Oh! Man I don't think I've seen you since uh, Lance Davis' graduation party.
Will Colbert: That was such a fun night!
Ross Geller: Yeah. It would've been good if we had gotten in, but still real fun.
Will Colbert: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Will Colbert: God we were lame back then. Do you remember how into dinosaurs we were?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Will Colbert: So what do you, what do you do now?
Ross Geller: So how long are you in town?
Rachel Green: Hi!
Monica Geller: Hey sweetie. Oh good.
Will Colbert: Rachel Green.
Ross Geller: Aw-oh, that's right. Are-are you gonna be okay?
Will Colbert: Oh, I'll-I'll be fine. Just God I hate her Ross! I hate her!
Ross Geller: Will, high school was-was a long time ago.
Will Colbert: Look At Her Standing There With Those Yams! My Two Greatest Enemies Ross Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates.
Rachel Green: Oh my God Monica, who is that?
Monica Geller: That's Will from high school!
Rachel Green: Oh! I do not remember him! Wow! He's really got that sexy, smoldering thing going on. Oh my God, he's... Look at the way he's just staring at me. I think he's trying to mouth something to me, but I can't make it out.
Monica Geller: Okay, dinner's ready!
Chandler Bing: Good game!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Yeah. Solid effort. Solid effort.
Monica Geller: Oh, so who won?
Phoebe Buffay: Green Bay.
Chandler Bing: Detroit.
Monica Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Well the Lions technically won, but it was a moral victory for the Green Bay...Mermen.
Rachel Green: Hi! Will, right?
Will Colbert: Right.
Rachel Green: Hi! I'm Rachel Green.
Will Colbert: Oh I-I remember you.
Rachel Green: Really?! Aren't you sweet! I gotta tell you though, I am, I am having the hardest time placing you. Oh-oh hang on! Did we umm, did we fool around at Lance Davis' graduation party?
Will Colbert: You are unbelievable.
Rachel Green: Thank you!
Monica Geller: Uh Rachel? Rachel, why don't you sit here? And Will you sit way over there.
Joey Tribbiani: That's it?! Even if nobody helps me I can eat that no problem. At least give me a challenge!
Monica Geller: This is Chandler's chicken. This is the turkey.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh. How-how big is that?
Monica Geller: About nineteen pounds.
Joey Tribbiani: It's like me when I was born.
Rachel Green: All right, who would uh, like some yams? Will?
Will Colbert: Oh, you'd like that wouldn't ya?
Rachel Green: What? Oh y'know what? Can we please keep the chicken and the turkey and everything on the other side of the table? The smell is just yuck!
Will Colbert: Typical.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry. What?
Will Colbert: I said it was typical. Typical of you, Rachel Green, Queen Rachel does whatever she wants in little Rachel land.
Joey Tribbiani: Seriously, who is this guy?
Rachel Green: Umm, I'm sorry. Do you-do you have a problem with me?
Will Colbert: I don't know? Do I? Do I?
Phoebe Buffay: I think you do.
Monica Geller: Apparently you were umm, a little mean to him in high school.
Will Colbert: A little mean? You made my life miserable!
Rachel Green: I'm-I'm-I had no idea. I'm sorry. I...
Will Colbert: Well you should be. Screw it! Bring on the yams!
Monica Geller: Oh Will. But you-you've worked so hard...
Will Colbert: Yams!!!!
Monica Geller: Okay.
Rachel Green: Uh Will umm, I just want to say that I'm real sorry for whatever I-I did to you in high school...
Will Colbert: Oh, it wasn't just me. We had a club!
Rachel Green: You had a club?!
Will Colbert: That's right, The I Hate Rachel Green Club!
Rachel Green: Whoa! My God! So what, you all just joined together to hate me?! Who else was in this club?
Will Colbert: Me and Ross.
Ross Geller: No need to point, she knows who Ross is.
Rachel Green: So you were in an I Hate Rachel club?
Will Colbert: Yes he was.
Ross Geller: No. No.
Rachel Green: So who else was in this club?
Ross Geller: Uh actually, there-there was also that exchange student from Thailand but I-I don't think he-he knew what it was.
Rachel Green: So Ross, we went out for two years, and you never told me you were in an I Hate Rachel club.
Will Colbert: You went out with her?! We had a pact!
Ross Geller: That was in high school! It's not like it was binding forever.
Will Colbert: Then why did it have the word eternity in it?
Rachel Green: Okay Monica, did you know about this?!
Monica Geller: I swear I didn't. Hey! Is that why you guys used to go up to your bedroom and lock the door?
Monica Geller: Hmm, a little relieved, I gotta say.
Ross Geller: Look Rach I-I'm sorry, okay? I...I was a stupid kid, okay? The only reason I joined...
Will Colbert: Co-founded!
Ross Geller: ...co-founded. Co-founded the club was because I was insanely in love with you. Obviously I didn't handle it very well. But if you think about it the I Hate Rachel Club was really the I Love Rachel Club.
Will Colbert: Uh, except that it was really the I Hate Rachel Club.
Rachel Green: Okay. So what? You guys would just like get together and like just say mean things about me?
Will Colbert: Well, we did a little more than that.
Ross Geller: No-no! No-no. No-no.
Phoebe Buffay: What?! What else did you do?
Will Colbert: We started a rumor.
Rachel Green: What rumor?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, come on Will! Just take off your shirt and tell us!
Rachel Green: Ross!
Ross Geller: It was no big deal. We-we...said that the rumor was...that umm...you had both...male and female reproductive parts.
Rachel Green: What?!
Will Colbert: That's right! We said your parents flipped a coin, decided to raise you as a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis.
Rachel Green: Oh my God!
Monica Geller: You started that?!
Rachel Green: What?! You heard that?!
Monica Geller: Everyone at our school heard it!
Chandler Bing: Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?!
Rachel Green: Oh no!!!! Oh my God!! This is all making so much sense to me now! This is why Adam Carter wouldn't go out with me! This is why Billy Tratt would just stay in this region!
Ross Geller: Actually, Billy Tratt is gay now. So-so that one's not really our fault.
Rachel Green: Monica, how come you never told me this?!
Monica Geller: I thought it might be true. And I was afraid that you were gonna cry and then show it to me.
Rachel Green: Joey stop staring! There's nothing there! It's not true!
Joey Tribbiani: I'm afraid I'm gonna need proof.
Rachel Green: Oh!
Joey Tribbiani: You are my Everest.
Monica Geller: Joey, you don't have to finish that.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yes I do. Otherwise what's next? Today I'm just a guy who can't finish a turkey, but tomorrow I'm the guy who eats half a Powerbar, wraps up the rest, and puts in the fridge? No! No, I just...I just-I gotta change my pants. Jeans have no give.
Rachel Green: Okay! Okay! Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote in my yearbook senior year, "Dear Rach, you're such a good person." Not girl! Person!
Ross Geller: Rach, I think you're reading a little too much into it.
Rachel Green: "Dear Rach, you're a great person. Sorry about your tiney-wienie."
Ross Geller: Look, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to call everyone in the entire school and tell them it wasn't true?!
Rachel Green: Yes!
Will Colbert: Could you also tell them I'm skinny now?
Monica Geller: Oh! Me too!
Ross Geller: Well look-look I'm not calling anybody! Okay? It was like a million years ago!
Rachel Green: I don't care how long ago it was! You told people that I was half and half! Y'know what? I just want to point out I never did anything to hurt you in high school.
Monica Geller: That's not totally true.
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: What?
Monica Geller: Well you-you did start that rumor about Ross making out with Mrs. Altman, our 50-year-old librarian.
Ross Geller: How did you know that?!!!!
Monica Geller: It's true?!!
Ross Geller: No.
Rachel Green: Yes it is! I saw you guys going at it behind the card catalog!
Will Colbert: Mrs. Altman? She also made out with Takaka Ci-Kek the night before he went back to Thailand.
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry. When you were in high school you made out with a 50-year-old woman?
Ross Geller: Hey! She didn't look 50!
Chandler Bing: Did she look 16?
Rachel Green: Ohh, there's a picture of her in the yearbook actually.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Wow!
Ross Geller: She didn't photograph well!
Chandler Bing: Well, she probably wasn't familiar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings!
Phoebe Buffay: So how did this happen? Did she, did she lure you to an early bird dinner?
Ross Geller: I was working late in the library one afternoon. It was just the two of us. She needed some help with her word jumble. And one thing led to another. If you must know, Anita was very gentle and tender. May she rest in peace...
Monica Geller: Didn't she walk with a cane?
Ross Geller: Only when it was damp!! I can't believe you-you told people about this?! Everybody knew?! Y'know what? I'm back in the club!
Will Colbert: Yeah!
Phoebe Buffay: I wanna join!
Rachel Green: Wh-Phoebe!!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I never got to be in a club. I-I didn't go to high school, but three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn French. Bonjour.
Rachel Green: All right, y'know-Fine! You guys have your stupid little club, but I would just like to say is what you did to me is way worse than what I did to you! You gave me a tiney-wienie!
Monica Geller: All right, listen you're just being silly. Rachel, even with that rumor you were one of the most popular girls in school and everyone wanted to be like you. One girl wanted to be like you so much she stuffed her pants with a Tootsie Roll!
Rachel Green: Wow...
Monica Geller: And Ross, if it weren't for Rachel's rumor I mean no one in high school would even know who you were. She put you on the map!
Ross Geller: As a romancer of the elderly.
Monica Geller: Hey! Mrs. Altman was the kind of woman you could tell she used to be pretty.
Ross Geller: The eyes...did still sparkle.
Monica Geller: Hey guys this stuff is just so way in the past. You-you've been through so much since then. And right now you've got so much more important stuff going on in your life. Can't you just let this go?
Rachel Green: She's right.
Ross Geller: Yeah. I mean we are having a baby together.
Will Colbert: Hold on! You got her pregnant?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Will Colbert: Are ya getting married?
Ross Geller: Nope.
Will Colbert: So you knocked her up but you're not gonna marry her. Dude! Anybody?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. It's exactly how I'd imagined it would be.
Joey Tribbiani: All right where's that turkey!
Phoebe Buffay: Joey! Those are my maternity pants!
Joey Tribbiani: Not now! These are my Thanksgiving pants!
Joey Tribbiani: Well that's it. I'm done. Whew! There come the meat sweats.
Monica Geller: Well Joey, we're all...we're all very proud of you.
Chandler Bing: Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the President any moment now.
Phoebe Buffay: Is there anything we can do for you?
Joey Tribbiani: No just, nobody press on my stomach.
Rachel Green: You can keep those pants by the way.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-hey-wh-wh-what do you got there? What is that? Pie?
Monica Geller: Yeah, you want some?
Joey Tribbiani: Ah, just cut me a little sliver. A little bigger. Little bigger. What?! Are you afraid you're gonna run out?! Cut me a real piece!