Chandler Bing: I just walked in the bathroom and saw Kathy naked! It was like torture!
Ross Geller: Y'know if we ever go to war and you're captured, you're in for a big surprise.
Chandler Bing: It just keeps getting worse and worse! Y'know? I mean it's bad enough that I'm in love with my roommates girlfriend-which by the way, I think she knows. Because every time we're in the room together there's this weird like energy between us. And call me crazy, but I think she likes me too. And now I have seen her naked. I mean at least when I've seen her with clothes on, I could imagine her body was like covered in boles or something. But there are no boles, she's smooth! Smooth!
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! Could everyone totally see up his robe?
Everyone: Yeah! Oh my God!
Casey: Here you go.
Joey Tribbiani: Great! All right, so I'll call you later.
Casey: Great!
Chandler Bing: Hey-Hey-Hey! Who was that?
Joey Tribbiani: That would be Casey. We're going out tonight.
Chandler Bing: Goin' out, huh? Wow! Wow! So things didn't work out with Kathy, huh? Bummer.
Joey Tribbiani: No, things are fine with Kathy. I'm having a late dinner with her tonight, right after my early dinner with Casey.
Chandler Bing: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-yeah. And the craziest thing is that I just ate a whole pizza by myself!
Chandler Bing: Wait! You're going out with Kathy!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Why are you getting so upset?
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm upset-for you. I mean, having sex with an endless line of beautiful women must be very unfulfilling for you.
Joey Tribbiani: What is the big deal? It's not like we're exclusive.
Chandler Bing: Look, Joey, Kathy is clearly not fulfilling your emotional needs. But Casey, I mean granted I only saw the back of her head, but I got this sense that she's-she's smart, and funny, and gets you.
Joey Tribbiani: You got all that from the back of her head?
Chandler Bing: All right look, I think it's time for you to settle down. Y'know? Make a choice, pick a lane.
Joey Tribbiani: Who's Elaine?
Phoebe Buffay: "Little, tiny Tarzan, swinging on a nose hair. Swinging with the greatest of ease..." Darn it! Now, I don't know who to get to the next verse.
Ross Geller: Oh, you could just go uh, "greatest of ease... BAH-bah-bha-bhannn." Then go right into it.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, ooh, I like that! Yeah. Wait! How do you know about 'bah-bah-bha-bhan?'
Ross Geller: Well umm, y'know, I used to play.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, that's right, the keyboards, huh?
Ross Geller: Yeah, just a little in high school, but then I really got into it in college. I mean that's-that's when I really found my sound.
Monica Geller: Oh God! Orange juice just came out of my nose, but it was totally worth it. Oh my God, I completely forgot about your sound.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Monica Geller: He used to lock himself in the basement for hours. No one was every allowed to hear, "The Sound."
Phoebe Buffay: I wanna hear "The Sound."
Ross Geller: Really? No. I mean, nah, I haven't played in so long, and-and, well it's-it's really personal stuff, y'know?
Phoebe Buffay: Come on, play that funky music white boy.
Monica Geller: Yeah!
Ross Geller: No, you guys, I mean my keyboards are all the way up in-No, yeah, okay.
Ross Geller: Okay, guys.
Chandler Bing: All right! Bring it on, you...
Ross Geller: Here we go. Y'know, I've-I've never played my stuff for anyone before, so it's important that-that you understand it's about communicating very private emotions. Y'know, umm, you should-you should think of umm, my work as wordless sound poems. That's what I'm...
Chandler Bing: Oh my God! Play!
Monica Geller: Boy, that was-that was, umm... terrific.
Chandler Bing: Really, bitchin'!
Phoebe Buffay: Wow, it was so-wow!
Ross Geller: Really?! I mean, really?!!
Rachel Green: Yeah, I mean, you should play in public!
Ross Geller: Wow! Thanks, you guys. That's uh-ohhh, I wanna, I wanna play you another piece! Umm! Uh-oh! I left my uh, helicopter sounds on another disk. I'll be right back! Okay? This is so nice, I'm-I am so...
Monica Geller: Oh God bless my dad sound proofing the basement!
Rachel Green: Oh, I can't believe I ever let him touch me with those fingers.
Phoebe Buffay: What are you guys talking about, I loved it! It was soo moving. Oh, plus it's just, it's so different from the stuff you usually hear.
Chandler Bing: You mean like, music?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I know what you're thinkin'! Yes, yes, your breasts are just as firm and juicy.
Chandler Bing: Come in!
Kathy: Hey! Oh God, is that Baywatch?
Chandler Bing: Uh yes, but uh, I just watch it for the articles.
Kathy: So is Joey around?
Chandler Bing: No-no, he's not back yet, but he'll be here any minute. So uh, come on in. Have a seat. Bow or stern?
Kathy: I uh, don't really have a preference. You?
Chandler Bing: I like it in the stern. ...of the boat. Hello.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, it's me. Listen Casey and I were on our way back and had a little car trouble.
Chandler Bing: What happened?
Joey Tribbiani: We broke down on the Parkway, so I have to walk back and get some transmission fluid. And hey, listen could you please tell Kathy that I'll be there as soon as I can.
Chandler Bing: Why can't you tell her?
Joey Tribbiani: 'Cause I only have one quarter, and I think my time is about to-
Chandler Bing: Joey! Joey!!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah?
Chandler Bing: I thought your time ran out.
Joey Tribbiani: Me too, but I guess I do have a couple of more-
Chandler Bing: Uhh, that was Joey. He's running a little late, he says he's sorry.
Kathy: Oh.
Chandler Bing: So I guess it's just uh, you and me then.
Kathy: Oh, okay.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I think it is!
Kathy: So what did you do today?
Chandler Bing: Oh, I had an appointment to get my haircut...
Kathy: Oh, it looks great!
Chandler Bing: ...and then it got canceled.
Kathy: Well, I could cut it.
Chandler Bing: Really?! You do that?
Kathy: Yeah, I do. Of course, I learned at my aunt's dog grooming shop, but hey, what do you say?
Chandler Bing: Dog grooming huh? Okay, just don't make my tail too poofy.
Kathy: You have really great hair.
Chandler Bing: Well, thanks. I grow it myself. Y'know who also has great hair is Joey!
Kathy: Yes! Yeah! Joey has great hair! Umm, I'm basically done here. Just let me get this off your neck.
Chandler Bing: What-what 'cha doin'?
Kathy: Checking to see if it's even.
Chandler Bing: 'Kay.
Kathy: Looks good.
Chandler Bing: Oh the phone! The phone's making sounds! Hello!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey dude, it's me.
Chandler Bing: Hey it's Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Listen uh, I'm really sorry, it looks like I'm gonna be stuck here for a while. I got the transmission fluid, but when I went to put it in the car, the transmission wasn't there!
Chandler Bing: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, it must've fallen out a few blocks back. I just figured we hit a dog.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Listen uh, could you put Kathy on, I wanna apologize.
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah man. Joey.
Kathy: Hey. Oh no it's fine, don't worry about it. Yeah-no, stop apologizing, it's okay. Yeah! I'll talk to you tomorrow. I should uh, probably go.
Chandler Bing: Yeah. Yes! Yeah.
Kathy: I forgot my purse.
Chandler Bing: Oh.
Kathy: No, I really did forget my purse.
Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no, this is bad! It's bad! This is bad!
Kathy: Horrible!
Chandler Bing: Wait the uh, the kiss or the situation?
Kathy: No-no-no, the kiss was good.
Chandler Bing: Okay!
Kathy: No, but that's bad!
Chandler Bing: Ooh! Yes! Okay! Here's what we do, we-we forget it happened.
Kathy: What?!
Chandler Bing: Okay, we-we swallow our feelings. Even if it means we're unhappy forever. Sound good?
Kathy: Can you really do that?
Chandler Bing: I have to; he's my best friend, and you're seeing him.
Kathy: Chandler, I like Joey a lot, but with you...
Chandler Bing: Oh-no-no-no! Don't! Don't! See-see, you're getting me confused, I'm starting to urn.
Kathy: I'm sorry. If you wanna pretend that nothing happened, I can try.
Chandler Bing: I-I think we have too.
Kathy: Okay. Bye.
Chandler Bing: Bye. Are you still out there?
Kathy: No.
Ross Geller: Electrifying. Emphatic time-time-time...
Monica Geller: Y'know, there's a Starbucks about three blocks down.
Phoebe Buffay: It's so inspired! Look at him! Look at him go!
Ross Geller: Thank you guys-guys-guys...
Monica Geller: Hey, aren't you up next?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, I'm not playing tonight.
Rachel Green: Why not?
Phoebe Buffay: I can't follow Ross! It'd be like those bicycle ridding chimps that followed The Beetles. No.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, Ross sucks!
Rachel Green: Phoebe, the place has emptied because of him.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, he's not even appreciated in his own time. I would give anything to not be appreciated in my own time!
Monica Geller: Okay. Umm, Phoebe, you suck too.
Rachel Green: Yeah, Phoebe you're... awful!
Phoebe Buffay: You guys. You suck too.
Joey Tribbiani: Aww man! I can't believe I locked myself out again!
Chandler Bing: Hang on buddy!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God! What happened here? Did you do all this?
Chandler Bing: I sure did.
Joey Tribbiani: Why?
Chandler Bing: Well, I just thought it'd make me feel good to do something nice for my friend.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, you're amazing.
Chandler Bing: Oh no-no-no. This is amazing.
Joey Tribbiani: A TV as if it appears from nowhere! That's the dream! Man, how did you afford this stuff?
Chandler Bing: Well, y'know I'm 29. I mean who needs a savings account.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you are the best friends anyone has ever had.
Chandler Bing: Oh, I don't know.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh-no-no-no, you are! You do this, you give me the great advice, and hey listen, I was thinking about what you said yesterday about focusing on one woman, I'm gonna do that.
Chandler Bing: You mean with Casey.
Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no, I think I'm gonna see how things go with Kathy. She's pretty cool.
Chandler Bing: Or Casey.
Joey Tribbiani: No-no, Kathy.
Chandler Bing: Could be Casey.
Joey Tribbiani: No. No, Kathy.
Chandler Bing: Consider Casey.
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know what I think? I think somebody's got a little crush on Casey. How 'bout I fix you two up? What do you think?
Chandler Bing: That all the pieces of my life are falling right into place!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! You were really great! You were really, really great!
Ross Geller: Oh, thanks, thanks. So Monica tells me that uh, you don't want to play anymore because me and y'know my talent. Is that true?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, kinda. Yeah. Yeah.
Ross Geller: Pheebs...
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I-I can't-I mean y'know I was trying to be really y'know okay and upbeat about it, I just-I feel so dwarfed by your musical gift. I...
Ross Geller: See but, Pheebs that-that is the exact opposite intent of my music. Y'know my music is-is meant to inspire, and if it bothers you this much, then I... I won't play anymore.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no. No-no-no, don't do that! How could I live with myself if I knew I was depriving the world of your music.
Ross Geller: Yeah, okay.
Ross Geller: Hey Chandler! Saw the new furniture. Very nice.
Monica Geller: Yeah! Joey has the best boyfriend ever!
Chandler Bing: I kissed Kathy.
Ross Geller: What?
Monica Geller: Are you serious?
Phoebe Buffay: Does Joey know?
Chandler Bing: No. Is there anyway, anyway you think he'll understand this?
Monica Geller: You obviously haven't screwed over a lot of your friends. Which we all appreciate.
Ross Geller: No the-the sad thing is, if you had told him how you felt before you kissed her, knowing Joey, he probably just would've just stepped aside.
Chandler Bing: Oh, don't say that! Don't say that. That's not true. Is it?
Phoebe Buffay: I think maybe, yeah.
Monica Geller: He loves you.
Chandler Bing: Then why didn't you tell me to do that?!!
Ross Geller: Well, I said-I said something to Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! No, that's right. And I thought it was a really good idea.
Rachel Green: I know, I remember that!
Monica Geller: I remember you did.
Chandler Bing: God!! What am I gonna do?!
Rachel Green: Well, Chandler, you're gonna have to tell him.
Chandler Bing: Why?! Why do I have to tell him?!
Rachel Green: Because you do.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I know.
Ross Geller: Hey, would it be okay if I wrote a song about this.
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Samboucha Margarita?
Chandler Bing: Is that a real thing?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, we only had samboucha, so it is now.
Chandler Bing: Listen ah, Joe, I-I need to, I need to talk to you about something.
Joey Tribbiani: What's up?
Chandler Bing: It's-it's about Kathy. Umm, uh, I like her. I like her a lot actually.
Joey Tribbiani: You do?
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, you're timing couldn't be better. She's not my girlfriend anymore.
Chandler Bing: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, she broke up with me.
Chandler Bing: Oh uh, when?
Joey Tribbiani: Just now, after acting class. At first I thought she was doing some kind of scene, that's why I let people watch.
Chandler Bing: Oh man, I am so sorry. Are, are you okay?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I've been better. But, I'm all right. So you like her huh?
Chandler Bing: Yes, but I-I uh, don't have too.
Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no, no it's uh, it's okay.
Chandler Bing: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. You know why? 'Cause you came to me first.
Chandler Bing: Well, I thought that would be the best thing to do.
Joey Tribbiani: But hey, listen just so you know, you might have you're work cut out for you. 'Cause when I talked to her, I kinda got the feeling that she's into some other guy. So...
Chandler Bing: See uh, that's-that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I-I think I know who the other guy is.
Joey Tribbiani: Who?
Chandler Bing: It's me. I'm the other guy.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and...
Joey Tribbiani: And what?! Did you sleep with her?!
Chandler Bing: No! No! No! I just kissed her.
Joey Tribbiani: What?!! That's even worse!!
Chandler Bing: How is that worse?!
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know! But it's the same!
Chandler Bing: Look, I'm sorry! But there's nothing I can do, I think I'm in love with her!
Joey Tribbiani: Who cares?! You went behind my back! I would never do that to you!
Chandler Bing: You're right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.
Joey Tribbiani: Over the line?! You-you're-you're so far past the line, that you-you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!
Chandler Bing: Yes. Yes! Right! And I feel horrible. You have to believe me!
Joey Tribbiani: Is that why you bought all this stuff?! Well, y'know what I will not watch your TV, I will not listen to your stereo, and there's a cinnamon raisin loaf in the new bread maker that I'm not gonna eat! You know why?!
Chandler Bing: Probably because...
Joey Tribbiani: Because it's all tainted with your betrayal. From now on this apartment is empty for me! And I'm not happy about you either. Oh, and just so you know, I made that bread for you.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, he's lost it. He's totally lost it.
Monica Geller: What?
Rachel Green: Phoebe, his music could not get any worse. There are rats in the basement that are hanging themselves.
Ross Geller: Thank you, thanks. Yeah, I lost it. Y'know, I'm not gonna play anymore, would you, can you finish my set?
Phoebe Buffay: After that? Yeah! No, I mean if I can help.
Ross Geller: Yeah, like I could lose it.
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: I played bad on purpose guys.
Monica Geller: Okay, so you were trying to play bad this whole time.
Ross Geller: Yeah-no, just that last song.


Joey Tribbiani: Hello.
Chandler Bing: Hey, it's me. I know you can't stand to be in the same room as me, so I just thought I'd try and apologize over the phone. All I...
Joey Tribbiani: Hello.
Chandler Bing: Look I never should have kissed your girlfriend, but I'm...
Joey Tribbiani: Stop callin'!!
Voice: Hey! Hey! Hey! This is 92.3, WXRK, K-Rock for our $1,000 daily challenge.
Joey Tribbiani: All right!
Voice: What is the name of your roommate who is very, very sorry and would do anything...
Chandler Bing: Aww, turkey! Aww, giving thanks! Aww!
Phoebe Buffay: Look everyone, it's the spirit of Thanksgiving!
Rachel Green: So are things with you and Joey any better?
Chandler Bing: They couldn't be worse. I spent eight hours calling him last night, just trying to get him to talk to me.
Rachel Green: Oh wow, eight hours? So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets huh?
Ross Geller: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?
Rachel Green: You shouldn't.
Phoebe Buffay: Speaking of Christmas, umm since Monica and I are starting a new business and have like no money, umm, this year maybe we could do secret Santa, and then we each only buy one gift. And-and there's the added mystery of who gets who.
Ross Geller: Who gets whom. I don't know why I do that.
Rachel Green: Well, I'm gonna take a nap, turkey makes me sleepy.
Monica Geller: We haven't eaten yet!
Rachel Green: I know, but all that work you're doing to get it ready, I just...
Chandler Bing: Hey, by any chance did either of pick uh Rachel for your secret Santa, 'cause I wanna trade for her.
Phoebe Buffay: I picked her! Oh thank God you want her! Ooh!
Chandler Bing: Wow! Why do you want to get rid of her so badly?
Phoebe Buffay: Because she exchanges every gift she ever gets, it's like impossible to get her something she likes. Come on, let's trade!
Chandler Bing: Oh that's not true! That's not true! I got her that backpack and she loved it! I remember how much she was crying the day when that big dog ran off with it... Oh, there was no big dog. All right this sucks! I already got her this briefcase, and I had R.G. put on it... Her initials...
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh.
Monica Geller: Well, maybe you could give to somebody else. Ooh, like Ross Geller.
Chandler Bing: Op, y'know what though, it's kind've a girlie briefcase.
Monica Geller: Who cares? He works in a museum!
Chandler Bing: Hey, what time is it? The big game is about to start!
Phoebe Buffay: You don't have to do that, Ross and Joey aren't here, you can watch the parade if you want.
Chandler Bing: Thanks.
Monica Geller: What is wrong with this freezer?! Ow! Ow!!
Phoebe Buffay: God, what happened?!
Monica Geller: Oh my God, ice just got in my eye!
Rachel Green: People are trying to sleep in here!
Chandler Bing: Monica got ice in her eye, and it hurts.
Phoebe Buffay: Open it up, let me see.
Monica Geller: Oh, y'know what, I can't, it really kills.
Chandler Bing: Well maybe you should put some ice on it.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, God it looks bad.
Rachel Green: Honey, maybe we should take you to a doctor.
Monica Geller: No, my eye doctor is Richard! I can't go to him when I don't have a boyfriend!
Chandler Bing: He's really picky about his patients.
Phoebe Buffay: Honey, you've got to go. What's his office number?
Monica Geller: Like I remember his office number! Speed dial 7.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Yeah, I'm calling on behalf of Monica Geller's eye, and is um, is Richard Burke in today. He's out of town, but does she want to see the on-call doctor?
Monica Geller: Yes!!
Phoebe Buffay: Yes! She's very excited about that.
Phoebe Buffay: This is so cool, 'til Monica gets back, it's like I'm head chef and I get to make all the decisions.
Ross Geller: Hey-hey, I thought she told you to follow the recipe exactly!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, get out of my kitchen!
Chandler Bing: All right! Okay! I think I am making some progress with Joey, when I went into the apartment he went straight into his bedroom but he only slammed the door once! I mean yeah, he gave me the finger while doing it.
Phoebe Buffay: All right I... I gotta call my mom and ask her a left handed cooking question.
Ross Geller: So listen ah, I picked Monica for secret Santa, but I'm already getting her something for Chanukah, I was wondering if you wanna switch.
Chandler Bing: Oh y'know what, I was already trying to trade for ah, well, you.
Ross Geller: Really?! Wow! That's-that's so nice, what are you gonna get me?
Chandler Bing: I don't know R.G., I was thinking something girlie for your office.
Ross Geller: Yeah, well maybe Phoebe will switch with me.
Chandler Bing: Oh no-no-no, you don't want to do that, then you're gonna get stuck with Rachel and she exchanges every gift she ever gets.
Ross Geller: Oh, that's not true! I've got her lots of stuff she never took back.
Chandler Bing: Like?
Ross Geller: Like uh, that gold necklace I got her last year.
Chandler Bing: When was the last time you saw her wear it?
Ross Geller: Well, she wore it all Christmas day, and then uh...
Chandler Bing: Big dog?
Ross Geller: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Ross Geller: What are you doing?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm sending back all this stuff that Chandler bought out of guilt.
Ross Geller: Everything? Even the TV?
Joey Tribbiani: No! I'm putting that in my room.
Ross Geller: Listen, Joey, I know what he did was wrong but don't you think you could at least hear the guy out?
Joey Tribbiani: Back when you and Rachel were together, if Chandler had kissed her, would you hear him out?
Ross Geller: That's a good point. So uh, how long are you gonna punish him?
Joey Tribbiani: Five years.
Ross Geller: You've sentenced him?!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
Ross Geller: Joey, the guy's your best friend.
Joey Tribbiani: No, was my best friend. Anyway, I don't know why you're pushing for him so hard. With him out of the way as my best friend, there's a spot open.
Ross Geller: Oh, who? Me?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!
Ross Geller: Wow! I'm honored! And y'know what I'm gonna do as my first act as your best friend?
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Ross Geller: I'm gonna get you to talk to Chandler.
Joey Tribbiani: All right. But if you weren't my best friend.
Kathy: Oh my God, is it really that bad?
Chandler Bing: I walk into a room and he won't even talk to me, he just mumbles something in Italian. And I know he only knows the bad words.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Gunther, have you uh, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther: I thought you were Chandler. But umm, one of who is over there.
Kathy: Oh.
Chandler Bing: Hey Joe.
Joey Tribbiani:
Doctor: I'll be right with you. Okay? Thanks, Wendy.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! How cute is the on-call doctor?
Rachel Green: Ooh, so cute, that I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.
Nurse: Dr. Burke will see you know.
Monica Geller: Oh no-no-no, not Dr. Burke. Dr. Burke is out of town. The-the on-call doctor will see me now.
Nurse: Dr. Richard Burke is out of town. Dr. Timothy Burke, his son, will see you now.
Timothy Burke: Ready?
Chandler Bing: Hey! I'm sorry! That- where are you going?
Joey Tribbiani: My folks.
Chandler Bing: Oh, uh, when-when are you coming back?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. I might stay there for a few days while I look for an apartment.
Chandler Bing: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, y'know at first I thought we could talk about this y'know, work it out, but uh, seeing you two together I don't think I...
Chandler Bing: Hey, look, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I'll stop seeing her?
Joey Tribbiani: Look, it's not about her. Okay? But seeing you two together just reminds me of what you did. And I don't want to live with some one who doesn't know what it is to be a friend. So, I'll see ya.
Chandler Bing: Hey, look, I know what it is to be a friend, I just-I just screwed up!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! You did! And that's why I'm leaving.
Chandler Bing: All right look, if you're not gonna stay for me, then at least stay for them! Okay, they have had a very difficult year! What with the robbery and all!
Joey Tribbiani: When that guy was robbing us, and I was locked in the entertainment unit for like six hours, you know what I was doing in there all that time? I was thinking about how I let you down!
Chandler Bing: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! But if would've know what kind of friend you were gonna turn out to be, I wouldn't have worried about it so much! See you around!
Chandler Bing: All right, wait! Come on! Just wait one second! There has to be something that I can do! Something! If we still had that entertainment unit I would get in it for six hours and think about how I let you down. What?
Joey Tribbiani: We've got a box.
Timothy Burke: Last time I saw you, it was the morning I left for college. And you were just standing outside The Dairy Queen.
Monica Geller: I was probably waiting for it to open.
Timothy Burke: I gotta tell you, you look great now.
Monica Geller: You look great too.
Timothy Burke: You're an excellent patient!
Monica Geller: So how does it look?
Timothy Burke: Well, you've got a little scratch on your cornea, your gonna have to wear a patch for a couple of days.
Monica Geller: Like a pirate?!
Timothy Burke: If that helps you.
Monica Geller: Umm, so how long have you been working with your dad? Come on, one of us had to mention him.
Timothy Burke: I moved back here a couple of months ago.
Monica Geller: Oh. Big family dinner tonight?
Timothy Burke: Uh.
Monica Geller: No way!
Timothy Burke: I was gonna have Thanksgiving at my girlfriend's.
Monica Geller: Oh.
Timothy Burke: But we broke up.
Monica Geller: Oh.
Timothy Burke: She-she wasn't ready for a serious commitment.
Monica Geller: Oh. So you made her walk the plank? Aye, matie?
Timothy Burke: You're not wearing the patch yet.
Monica Geller: I know.
Ross Geller: He's coming here for Thanksgiving!
Rachel Green: I know, it's sick.
Monica Geller: Why is it sick?
Rachel Green: Because it's Richard's son! It's like inviting Greek tragedy over for dinner!
Monica Geller: Hey, come on, Phoebe, you understand don't you?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I can see where I'd be your best shot but, no. I'm sorry, but I think it's twisted.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: What's twisted?
Monica Geller: Me going out with Richard's son.
Joey Tribbiani: Ewwwww!! Ew! Ew! Ew!
Chandler Bing: Sounds like a really bad idea to me.
Rachel Green: Is he okay in there?
Joey Tribbiani: He's fine!
Ross Geller: Hey, y'know, Mon, if things wrong out between you and Richard's son, you'd be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather.
Monica Geller: Fine! Judge all you want to but, married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, fell in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire, livin' in a box!!
Rachel Green: So now, what exactly is the point of the box?
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler?
Chandler Bing: The meaning of the box is three fold. One , it gives me the time to think about what I did. Two , it proves how much I care about my friendship with Joey. And three , it hurts!
Ross Geller: Oh hey! Hey uh, you remember the necklace I gave you last year? Can I see it?
Rachel Green: Why?
Ross Geller: I just wanna check something.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Ross Geller: Now, we'll see.
Chandler Bing: Air hole! Air hole!!
Rachel Green: Here it is! I love it. I wear it all the time.
Ross Geller: The necklace I got you was gold, this one is silver.
Rachel Green: Huh, well maybe it uh, it changed.
Ross Geller: Oh my God! You actually exchanged it!
Rachel Green: Well isn't it better that I exchanged it for something that I enjoy and that I can get a lot of use out of?
Ross Geller: What did you get?
Rachel Green: Credit.
Monica Geller: I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! Hi, Tim.
Timothy Burke: Hi.
Monica Geller: Thank you. Come meet my friends. This is uh, Phoebe.
Timothy Burke: Hi, nice to meet you.
Monica Geller: And Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Timothy Burke: Hi, Joey.
Monica Geller: My brother, Ross.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Monica Geller: And Rachel. And that's Chandler.
Chandler Bing: How do ya do.
Timothy Burke: What's...
Monica Geller: Umm, well, he's...
Joey Tribbiani: He's doin' some thinkin'!
Chandler Bing: What happened? What happened?!
Joey Tribbiani: You kissed my girlfriend!
Rachel Green: Ooh, I like those sunglasses.
Ross Geller: Like 'em, like 'em? Or, I'd like to get store credit for that amount like 'em?
Rachel Green:
Monica Geller: All right everybody, this turkey is ready!
Timothy Burke: Where can I wash up?
Monica Geller: Here, let me show you. Okay, the towels are hanging next to the sink, and umm, you can use the fancy soap.
Timothy Burke: Thank you.
Rachel Green: Fancy soap? I thought we were savin' that for the Pope!
Monica Geller: See he's nice. Right?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but Monica, do you actually want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase, "That's not how your dad used to do it."
Timothy Burke: Wow! Everything looks great! Where should I sit?
Monica Geller: I saved you a seat.
Rachel Green: Sick-sick-sick-sick.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'll get it.
Chandler Bing: Gotcha!
Joey Tribbiani: That doesn't sound like thinking to me!
Chandler Bing: Sorry!
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know I don't think you should be talking at all in there! I think you've got to much thinking to do to be talking and making jokes!
Chandler Bing: Okay, okay, you got it!
Rachel Green: Ross, can you pass me the yams?
Ross Geller: Sure! Oh, and Joey's got the mashed potatoes if you want to exchange them.
Rachel Green: Would you stop?! What is the matter with you?!
Monica Geller: Oh-ho-ho, we've got company.
Ross Geller: There's nothing the matter with me. See, I'm not completely devoid of sentiment, see I have feelings.
Rachel Green: Okay, fine.
Chandler Bing: You can't tell, but I'm trying to break the tension by mooning you guys!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, look! If this is just a big joke to you, then forget about it, all right?! This means something to me! And if it doesn't mean anything to you, then you should get out of there, otherwise you're just an idiot in a box!
Chandler Bing: You're right, and I'm sorry! This means a lot to me! I want you to be my friend again! I swear, I won't say another word tonight.
Joey Tribbiani: So are you gonna start taking this thing seriously?
Chandler Bing: Absolutely!
Joey Tribbiani: That sounds like another word to me! Are you gonna take this seriously? Okay.
Rachel Green: Don't say that I have no sentiment! This is a movie stub from our first date! This is an eggshell from the first time you made me breakfast in bed! This is from the museum from the first time we... were together. Okay, maybe I exchange gifts sometimes, but I keep the things that matter!
Ross Geller: I don't know what to say, I'm sorry. Though, you're not supposed to take these. It's like a million years old, we, we actually, we had people looking for that.
Monica Geller: Ooh, this always happens.
Timothy Burke: Here, let me help.
Monica Geller: Thank you.
Timothy Burke: You-you have a very beautiful... eye.
Monica Geller: Y'know all my friends think this is weird.
Timothy Burke: Y'know I-I thought it was gonna be weird, I mean I almost called and canceled, but it really isn't.
Monica Geller: I know! I mean it's like me and your dad, that's a totally separate thing.
Timothy Burke: Oh, I totally agree.
Monica Geller: We're just two people who find each other very attractive. Right?
Timothy Burke: What?
Monica Geller: Nothing. Nothing.
Timothy Burke: No-no really, was-was that not okay?
Monica Geller: No-no-no that was good, it was, that was uh, that was a goood kiss...
Timothy Burke: Oh my God! It didn't remind you of...
Monica Geller: Don't say it!
Timothy Burke: No, but it did! Didn't it?!
Monica Geller: Yeah!
Timothy Burke: Oh man!!
Monica Geller: I know!
Joey Tribbiani: I'll get it.
Kathy: Oh.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Kathy: Hey. Listen, I want you to know how sorry I am...
Joey Tribbiani: That's okay. Chandler's the one I'm mad at.
Kathy: Well, I'm still sorry. Is he here?
Joey Tribbiani: In the box.
Kathy: Chandler?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, he-he can't talk right now.
Kathy: Why not? What's going on?
Phoebe Buffay: He's just trying to show Joey how much he means to him.
Kathy: By being in a box?
Rachel Green: Joey, had reasons.
Phoebe Buffay: They were threefold.
Kathy: Oh. Well uh, you not being able to talk may make this easier. Listen umm... Listen I don't wanna be someone who comes between two best friends. I just, I can't stand seeing what this is doing to you guys, and I don't wanna be the cause of that. So, I don't think we can see each other anymore. I'm gonna go to my mom's in Chicago, I'm gonna stay there for awhile. I think this could've be something really amazing, but y'know this is probably for the best. Y'know? I'm gonna miss you. Good-bye, Chandler.
Joey Tribbiani: Open the box!!
Rachel Green: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: He can still catch her! Come on, get out of there! Get out of there!
Chandler Bing: So?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, we're gonna be fine! Get out!
Chandler Bing: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you did some real good thinkin' in there.
Chandler Bing: Man, this is...
Joey Tribbiani: Now go! 'Cause you can still catch her! And Merry Christmas from you're secret Santa!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, who got Chandler? 'Cause I uh, need to trade.
Rachel Green: Oh, he sees her!
Monica Geller: Oh, he's catching up to her!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, she sees him! Oh, they're hugging!
Ross Geller: He's taking her purse!
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, that's not them. I'm gonna go call the police.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, there they are!
Phoebe Buffay: All right, get a room.


Phoebe Buffay: Okay!
Monica Geller: Come on, no peeking!
Chandler Bing: Our eyes are closed and we're about to cross the street. Very good.
Phoebe Buffay: Okayyyyy, open up!
Ross Geller: What did you want to show us? Because all I can see is this bitchin' van!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, it's for our catering business!
Joey Tribbiani: I think I know that girl.
Monica Geller: All right, umm, we're not gonna really keep it this way though.
Rachel Green: No?
Phoebe Buffay: No, we're gonna paint over the sword, and replace it with a baguette.
Rachel Green: Oh!
Phoebe Buffay: And also, we don't know what to do with this.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, I definitely know her.
Monica Geller: Remember that guy from cooking school I told you about that put cilantro with everything?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh sure, Cilantro Larry.
Monica Geller: Well, I'm gonna fill in for him as food critic for the Chelsea Reporter.
Monica Geller: Wow, Monica! What an amazing opportunity to influence... dozens of people.
Phoebe Buffay: How could you say yes, what about our catering business?
Monica Geller: Oh no-no-no, it's only one night a week, and plus I get to take all of you out for a lot of free dinners.
Everyone: Yay!!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, in that case-Yay! That was me hopping on board.
Monica Geller: Oh.
Chandler Bing: Hey, you guys! Hey, Ross, quick question for ya. Are you ready to party?
Ross Geller: I don't know, I could maybe go out for a couple of beers, but there's this thing about bumblebees on The Discovery Channel that I was planning to watch.
Chandler Bing: No-no, I don't think you heard me. Are you ready to party?!
Ross Geller: Nooo!! Gandolf?! Gandolf is coming to town?
Chandler Bing: Kathy's with her parents, I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with Gandolf dude!
Ross Geller: Dude, we are sooo gonna party!
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! Okay, dude alert! And who is this guy?
Ross Geller: Mike "Gandolf" Ganderson, only like the funest guy in the world.
Chandler Bing: I'm gonna call and get off work tomorrow!
Ross Geller: I'm gonna call after you!
Chandler Bing: This is gonna be soo cool, dude, we never party anymore!
Monica Geller: All right, were you guys smoking something in the back of our van?
Joey Tribbiani: Really. And what do you mean you never have fun anymore? You have fun with me, remember that time we saw those strippers and you paid me 50 bucks to eat that book?
Ross Geller: Joey, you are gonna love this guy. Gandolf is like the party wizard!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, why do you call him Gandolf?
Ross Geller: Gandolf the wizard. Hello! Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school?
Joey Tribbiani: No, I had sex in high school.
Rachel Green: Oh, uh, Joanna I was wondering if I could ask you something. There's an opening for an assistant buyer in Junior Miss...
Joanna: Okay, but that would actually be a big step down for me.
Rachel Green: Well, actually, I meant for me. The hiring committee is meeting people all day and...
Joanna: Oh. Well, I wish I could say no, but you can't stay my assistant forever. Neither can you Sophie, but for different reasons.
Rachel Green: God, I am so glad you don't have a problem with this, because if you did, I wouldn't even consider applying.
Joanna: Really? Well, in that case...
Rachel Green: And that's I'm so glad... there's no problem.
Joanna: That's fine, actually I'm on the hiring committee, so there'll be at least one friendly face.
Rachel Green: Ohh! That's great!
Joanna: You know, Junior Miss is where I started. Oh, I had to sleep with the ugliest guy to get that job.
Rachel Green: Really?!
Joanna: No-ho-ho! Yeah. I mean, no-no-no-no-no, don't you worry, I'm sure with your qualifications you won't need to sleep with some guy to get that job. Although, I might need some convincing.
Rachel Green: Well, I, umm...
Joanna: Kidding! God, I feel wild today!
Chandler Bing: Oh man! I am so excited-I may vomit!
Joey Tribbiani: Will you calm down, he's just a human guy.
Chandler Bing: Look you don't understand, Gandolf is amazing. Y'know you're never know what's gonna end up happening, you go out for a couple of beers and end up on a fishing boat to Nova Scotia!
Joey Tribbiani: Really?!
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, it's beautiful country up there.
Ross Geller: Hey! Okay! I got my passport, fresh socks, and a snake bite kit!
Chandler Bing: It's not gonna be exactly like last time.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, I'll see you guys.
Chandler Bing: Whoa-wh-wh-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
Joey Tribbiani: I have an audition, but I'll definitely hook up with you later. Where are you gonna be around noon?
Ross Geller: Somewhere maybe along the equator?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Hello. It's Gandolf!!! So, are you in town? Oh, well, well maybe next time then.
Ross Geller: What happened?
Chandler Bing: He's not gonna make it, he's stuck in Chicago.
Ross Geller: Ohh, man! Chicago, is sooo lucky!
Chandler Bing: Stupid, useless Canadian money!
Mr. Posner: You have a very impressive resume, Ms. Green. I especially like what I see here about implementing a new filing system.
Rachel Green: Thank you.
Joanna: Filing system? Oh-oh! You mean those-those little colored labels you put on all the folders? It certainly did brighten up the inside of the filing cabinets.
Rachel Green: Well, they uh, they-they do more than that.
Mrs. Lynch: I notice that you've been trusted with a lot of rather important responsibilities.
Rachel Green: Yes, Joanna really has been an incredible mentor to me.
Joanna: Oh. And Rachel has been really incredible in getting my morning bagel for me. It's amazing how she gets it right almost every time!
Rachel Green: I-I-I of course, I have more responsibilities than that.
Joanna: Oh yes, well there's the coffee too. Rachel can carry two things at once!
Mr. Posner: Yes, that's very good. Now a uh, big part of this job is cultivating personal relationships, especially with designers.
Rachel Green: Yes, I realize that...
Joanna: And Rachel shouldn't have any problem with that. The only problem might be getting a little too friendly, if you know what I mean.
Rachel Green: I love working with designers!
Joanna: With them, under them, what's the difference? Eh, Rach?
Monica Geller: Hey! My first review is out!
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh! Oh, the Chelsea Reporter, ohh, this used to keep me so warm.
Monica Geller: All right, look at my on the back page.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay! "Would I go back to Allesandro's? Sure, but I'd have to order two meals, one for me and one for the guy pointing the gun to my head." Wow! You really laid into this place.
Monica Geller: Hey, they don't pay me a penny a word to make friends.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, I gotta go. I found a guy that who could fix up the van for catering.
Monica Geller: Oh! Do you need me to go with you?
Phoebe Buffay: No-no, it's okay. But are we sure we don't want the waterbed?
Monica Geller: Haven't we made this decision?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, all right.
Monica Geller: Bye!
Phoebe Buffay: Bye!
Monica Geller: Who is it?
Allesandro: It's Allesandro, from Allesandro's.
Monica Geller: Oh my God.
Allesandro: I want to talk to you about your review.
Monica Geller: Oh my God, oh my God. Call me on the phone!
Allesandro: Why? So you could hang up on me?
Monica Geller: Look, I-I'm never gonna let you up so you may as well just go away.
Allesandro: Just give me a chance too...
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, do you need to get in? Here you go.
Monica Geller: No! Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, Monica!
Allesandro: I want a retraction! Our food is not inedible swill!
Monica Geller: I couldn't eat it! I had five friends who couldn't eat it, and one of them eats books.
Allesandro: Well our service is not grossly incompetent.
Monica Geller: The waiter carried the breadsticks in his pants!
Allesandro: Well, you said that we except the Discover Card, which we do not!
Monica Geller: All right, that I'll retract. But I stand by my review, I know food and that wasn't it. You're marinara sauce tasted like tomato juice! You should serve it with vodka and a piece of celery.
Allesandro: Hey! I'm proud of that sauce, it's delicious.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! You own an Italian restaurant and you think that tastes good?! Where are you even from?
Allesandro: Lebanon.
Monica Geller: Hand me those tomatoes, I'm gonna show you what it should taste like! Come on, hand me them.
Allesandro: How long is this gonna take? 'Cause I got another critic to go yell at.
Rachel Green: Umm, Joanna? I wanna talk about that interview.
Joanna: I thought it went very well.
Rachel Green: No! It didn't! That's what I want to talk to you about. Now, just to brief you... I may cry, but they are not tears of sadness or of anger, but just of me having this discussion with you.
Joanna: Rachel, please, don't make a scene.
Rachel Green: There's nobody here!
Joanna: Sophie, get in here! You see! Now you're making Sophie uncomfortable!
Sophie: She's not making me uncomfortable.
Joanna: Congratulations! You now just crossed the line into completely useless. Get out.
Rachel Green: Do you want me to quit?
Joanna: What?! What would make you think that?
Rachel Green: Well of those things that you said in the interview, I mean if you believe any of them, I must not be a very good assistant. Y'know what? I am just gonna pack up my desk, and I will be gone by the end of the day! Well, I guess there's no use to me sticking around 'til the end of the day!
Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait! You can put your sad little muffin back in it's drawer. If you must know the truth, I didn't want to lose a perfectly good assistant.
Rachel Green: What?
Joanna: That's why I said all those things about your flirting and your drinking...
Rachel Green: My drinking?
Joanna: Oh, I must've said that after you left.
Rachel Green: Said what? Exactly.
Joanna: That you enjoyed the occasional drink...ing binge.
Rachel Green: Oh my God!! Ohh, that is it! I'm leaving! You are just a horrible person!
Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!! If you're gonna get all sensitive about it! I don't want to lose you. What if I, create a position for you? I'll make you an assistant buyer in this department.
Rachel Green: Say more things like that.
Joanna: You can have your own office, and a raise! Effective tomorrow.
Rachel Green: I'd need an expense account.
Joanna: Done!
Rachel Green: And an assistant.
Joanna: Sophie, get in here!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! What are you guys doing here? I thought you'd be out partying with Gandel-worf.
Ross Geller: It's Gandolf, and he's not coming.
Joey Tribbiani: So you've been sittin' around here all mornin'?
Ross Geller: No! I balanced my checkbook.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, and I-I gave first names to all of the foosball players.
Ross Geller: I can't believe he didn't come!
Joey Tribbiani: So what if he didn't come! We can still go out and party ourselves!
Chandler Bing: Oh-no, y'know with Gandolf we'd be out all night!
Ross Geller: Yeah! We'd meet, we'd meet total strangers, and hang out with them!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, we could do that!
Ross Geller: There's other stuff too.
Joey Tribbiani: We'll do it all, and better! Look, after tonight, Gandolf will want to party with us, dude! Come on!
Ross Geller: Yeah!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!
Ross Geller: Yeah!!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!!
Ross Geller: It's not like we don't know how to party!!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! All right? Let's go!
Chandler Bing: And may-maybe we could end up on a boat again?
Chandler Bing: All right!!
Ross Geller: Hey-hey-hey, when uh, when were we on a boat?
Chandler Bing: Remember that really cold morning, you woke up and those dogs were licking your face?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Well, those were seals, man.
Rachel Green: Hey Mon, little question for ya! How do you think this suit will look on an assistant buyer?
Monica Geller: Okay, the owner of Allesandro's came over to yell at me, but instead I made him some sauce, and he offered me the job as head chef!!
Rachel Green: Oh my God!! You just ruined the thing I was practicing the whole way home, but I'm soo happy!
Monica Geller: Can you believe it? I finally get to run my own kitchen!
Rachel Green: Ohh, you've waited soo long.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey, Pheebs, quick question for ya.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Rachel Green: How do you think this suit would look on an assistant buyer at Bloomingdale's?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know, it would totally depend on her coloring and... You got the job!!
Rachel Green: Yes!!!
Monica Geller: You got the job?! Why didn't you tell me?
Rachel Green: Ohh, it's gonna be so great! I'm gonna get to help decide what we sell, I'm gonna have an office with walls and everything. I'm gonna have walls!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, is this the day of good news or what? I got us a job! The wedding reception.
Monica Geller: Ohh! Umm, Phoebe, I kinda need to talk to you about that. Umm, well I-I-I think it might be time for me to take a step back from catering.
Phoebe Buffay: But we've only had one job.
Monica Geller: I know, but now we have this second one and it just, it feels like it's snowballing, y'know?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! What are you saying?
Monica Geller: I got offered the head chef job at Allesandro's.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Monica Geller: It's okay, 'cause y'know what? You don't really need me for the business.
Phoebe Buffay: You're the cook! With out you it's just me driving up to people's houses with empty trays and asking for money!
Monica Geller: All right. But umm, I-I-I'll pay you back all the money you invested, and you can keep the van.
Phoebe Buffay: For what? I can't believe this! I gotta get out of here.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, wait a minute!
Rachel Green: I'm an assistant buyer!!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, so we'll get a little coffee, and get energized, and we'll head back out.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, all right.
Ross Geller: Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: So, we're having fun, right?
Joey Tribbiani: We don't need that wizard guy. We hit a couple of clubs, talked to some strangers, and uh, after this, we'll head down to the docks and see about that boat thing.
Ross Geller: I'm kinda beat.
Chandler Bing: Actually, me too.
Joey Tribbiani: Are you serious?!
Joey Tribbiani: Thank God! I'm exhausted!
Gunther: So you guys want coffees?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, but uh, I don't want to be up too late, so uh, I'll have a decaf.
Ross Geller: Yeah, me too.
Chandler Bing: Actually, can I get some hot water with a little lemon? I think I strained my voice screaming in there. Does it have to be so loud?
Joey Tribbiani: I can't hear a word you're saying, my ears are ringing so bad.
Ross Geller: I'm just glad I brought that extra pair of socks, y'know? I used them as mittens, I didn't want to touch a thing in that last place.
Ross Geller: How sad are we?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I know.
Chandler Bing: Y'know what? We're not sad, we're not sad, we're just not 21 anymore. Y'know? I'm 29 years old, damnit! And I want to sit in a comfortable chair, and watch television and go to bed at a reasonable hour!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! And I like to hang out in a quiet place where I can talk to my friends.
Ross Geller: And so what if I like to go home, throw on some Kenny G, and take a bath!
Joey Tribbiani: We're 29, we're not women.
Monica Geller: Ohh, here you are. Y'know, I'm-I'm glad you decided to hear me out.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I'm hearing.
Monica Geller: I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot! And umm, well, I came up with a whole bunch of businesses you can do with your van. Okay umm, you could be flower delivery person.
Phoebe Buffay: What?!
Monica Geller: Or! A bakery delivery person.
Phoebe Buffay: I wa-I wa-I wa...
Monica Geller: Pizza?!
Phoebe Buffay: Monica!
Monica Geller: All right, I've got a whole bunch of uh-uh, stuff in this area, but umm, I'm getting the feeling that you don't want to deliver.
Phoebe Buffay: No.
Monica Geller: Okay. I'm guessing that if you don't want to deliver, you probably don't want to pick stuff up either.
Phoebe Buffay: No.
Monica Geller: Y'know what, let's do the catering business.
Phoebe Buffay: Really?! Are you sure?
Monica Geller: Yeah, y'know I-I made a commitment to you. Y'know what, it'd be, it'd be fun.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! It will be fun! Ohh! Yay! Oh! Okay, ooh, let's plan the wedding reception. Wow! You really wanted me to do something with this van. Y'know what, I want you to take the chef job.
Monica Geller: Really?!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. That's what you really want. Yeah, I don't want to be the reason you're unhappy, that would just make me unhappy, and I really don't want to be the reason I'm unhappy.
Monica Geller: Thank you.
Phoebe Buffay: Besides, it might be kinda fun to form the new A-Team.
Rachel Green: Oh, hi Mrs. Lynch! Is Joanna in already?
Mrs. Lynch: Oh my goodness! You haven't heard!
Rachel Green: Heard what?
Mrs. Lynch: Joanna passed away last night.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! How?!
Mrs. Lynch: Well, she was leaving work and she was hit by a cab.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Oh, I cannot believe it!
Mrs. Lynch: I know!
Rachel Green: Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh God.
Mrs. Lynch: I didn't realize that she was so close.
Rachel Green: Yes, so close. Mrs. Lynch, I know that this is an emotional and difficult time, for all of us. But by any chance did Joanna send any paperwork your way before... it happened.
Mrs. Lynch: No. Nothing. Imagine, if she had just stepped off that curb a few seconds later.
Rachel Green: Yes-yes, just a few seconds and she'd still be with us-nothing about an assistant buyer?
Mrs. Lynch: No, I'm sorry. I have to go.
Sophie: Good morning!
Rachel Green: Oh, Sophie, I guess you didn't hear about Joanna...
Sophie: I sure did!
Allesandro: I'm so excited about having Monica come on board with us. Although I do feel bad about having fired chef Emillio, it's like losing a member of the family. Of course, that literally is the case for several of you. Tony, Carlos, Marie, please, tell your father how much we're gonna miss him. Now, I know that Monica has a lot of great ideas for this place, well, you all read the review. So without much further ado, I present to you our new head chef.
Monica Geller: Umm, I just wanna say, uh that with a pinch of exictement, a dash of hard work, a dollup of cooperation, we can have the recipe... Are you gonna kill me?


Ross Geller: Hey!
Ross Geller: I'm sorry I'm late, did I miss anything?
Phoebe Buffay: Joey stuffing 15 Oreos in his mouth.
Ross Geller: 15? Your personal best!
Phoebe Buffay: Where were you?
Ross Geller: Oh, on a date. Yeah, I met this girl on the train going to a museum upstate.
Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah! How did you meet her?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, which museum?
Phoebe Buffay: No, answer his.
Ross Geller: Okay, it was just me and her at the back of the train, and I sat near the door, so she'd have to pass by me if she wanted to switch cars. She was totally at my mercy.
Chandler Bing: Were you so late because you were burring this woman?
Ross Geller: No, I'm getting back down 'cause she lives in Poughkeepsie. She seems really great, but she's like totally great, but she lives two and a half hours away.
Chandler Bing: How can she be great if she's from Poughkeepsie? That joke would've killed in Albany.
Joey Tribbiani: Done! I did it! Heh, who's stupid now?
Chandler Bing: Hey, look at this! They're lighting the big Christmas tree tonight.
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, that paper's two weeks old.
Chandler Bing: All right, who keeps leaving old newspapers in the trash?! I really wanted to take Kathy to this, I can't believe I missed it.
Rachel Green: Hey, y'know, at least you have somebody to miss that stuff with! I hate being alone this time of year! Next thing you know it'll be Valentine's Day, then my birthday, then bang!-before you know it, they're lighting that damn tree again. Ohh, I want somebody! Y'know, I want a man!! I mean, it doesn't even have to be a big relationship, y'know, just like a fling would be great.
Chandler Bing: Really?! I didn't think girls ever just wanted a fling.
Rachel Green: Well, believe me, it's been a long time since I've been flung.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I know what I'm giving you for Christmas.
Chandler Bing: Y'know what? There's some nice guys at my office, do you want me to set you up?
Rachel Green: Yeah! Wait a minute, it's been a long time that I've been single. How come you never offered this before?
Chandler Bing: Well, I have a girlfriend, I'm-I'm happy. So, I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to stop others from being happy.
Rachel Green: Okay! No accountants. Oh, and no one from like legal. I don't like guys with boring jobs.
Chandler Bing: Oh and Ross was like what? A lion tamer?
Everyone: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: What's wrong Mon?
Monica Geller: Ohh, everybody at the restaurant still hates me.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Monica Geller: I thought I was making headway, everyone was smiling at me all day, I get off work and I find out that they wrote this on my chef's hat.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, maybe they meant to write, 'Quiet, bitch.'
Rachel Green: Hey, honey! What's the matter? Fine, I was just trying to be nice! Whoa!
Monica Geller: I mean I have not been picked on this much since kindergarten and they had to bring in someone from junior high to do the see-saw with me.
Joey Tribbiani: Ohhh!
Monica Geller: I mean they're trying to do everything they can to make me quit, and if there were any other job, I would. But this is something I've been waiting for my whole life.
Rachel Green: Well, wait a minute, you're the boss! Why don't you just yell at them? Or, fire them?
Monica Geller: I would love too, but I can't! I mean I just can't, you know that I'm not good at confrontation.
Chandler Bing: Hey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director, I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, who's boss.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Mon! I'm not doing anything, why don't you fire me?
Monica Geller: That's a good idea! Wait, do you know how to waiter?
Joey Tribbiani: Good enough to get fired.
Monica Geller: All right, you're hired!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! That must be why I got fired last week! Does this Orson Wells guy direct Burger King commercials?
Chandler Bing: Yes.
Chandler Bing: I say, Drew! Are you seeing anybody right now? Og-ee-op, I'm not asking for me, I'm... I mean... No, I'm-I'm not gay, I'm not asking you out. I'm not-I'm not-I'm not gay!
Drew: I didn't think you were gay. I do now.
Chandler Bing: See my friend-my friend, Rachel, she wants to be set up.
Drew: Ahh, I just got out of a big relationship, I'm not looking for any thing serious.
Chandler Bing: Oh, y'know what, that might be okay even if it was just kind of a fling, that might be all right with Rachel.
Mike: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Is this, hot Rachel, that you took to the Christmas party, Rachel?
Chandler Bing: Oh, by the way, that is her full name.
Mike: Oh wow! I'm free for her!
Drew: Oh, wait a second! I didn't say I wasn't free!
Mike: Hey, Chandler, why don't we talk this over at the Ranger game tomorrow?
Drew: Hold on, y'know I just got a box of Cubans, maybe I bring them by your office around uh, five?
Chandler Bing: Oh well, that's uh, a little later than I uh, generally care to stay, but sure!
Mike: Maybe, before the game we could enjoy some eight year old some small batch Basel Hadens.
Chandler Bing: Well, I don't really know what that is, but let's!!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! You guys, I'm writing a holiday song for everyone. Do you want to hear it?
Phoebe Buffay: Happy Chanukah, Monica! May your Christmas be snowy, Joey! Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross. Spin the draddle, Rachel!
Rachel Green: Pheebs, that's great!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yay!
Rachel Green: But y'know umm, Rachel doesn't rhyme with draddle.
Phoebe Buffay: I know but it's so hard! Nothing rhymes with your stupid name!
Joey Tribbiani: What are you talking about? Lots of things rhyme with Rachel. Bagel. Mail. Jail. Bail. Able. May-pole.
Phoebe Buffay: All good, thanks. Do you maybe have a nickname have like a nickname that's easier to rhyme?
Monica Geller: Didn't your dad used to call you Pumpkin?
Rachel Green: Oh yeah!
Phoebe Buffay: Pumpkin? Yeah. But did he ever call you like, Budolph?
Chandler Bing: Hello, children!
Everyone: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Have I got the 50 guys for you!
Rachel Green: Really?!
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, I just showed this a picture of you and guys were throwing themselves at me! They're buying me drinks! They're giving me stuff! Knicks tonight?
Joey Tribbiani: Sure! Where are the seats?
Chandler Bing: Wherever! I've got like 20!
Rachel Green: So, will I like any of these guys?
Chandler Bing: Y'know what, I'm gonna uh, play the field just a little more.
Rachel Green: Chandler!
Chandler Bing: Guys are signing over their 401-K's to me?
Phoebe Buffay: You work with robots!!
Chandler Bing: Yes. Okay, there's this one guy, Patrick, I think you're gonna like him, he's really nice, he's funny, he's a swimmer.
Rachel Green: Ohh, I like swimmer's bodies!
Chandler Bing: Yes, and his father invented that magnetic strip on the back of credit cards.
Rachel Green: Op, I like credit cards!
Chandler Bing: See, I'm not bad at this fixing up thing, huh?
Rachel Green: Well, so what does he do?
Chandler Bing: Oh, he works in the Fine Foods division.
Rachel Green: Your company has a fine foods division?
Chandler Bing: It's a big company, I don't-if you-I...
Joey Tribbiani: Now, wait a second! You make food and robots?
Phoebe Buffay: No! No, the robots just work for them.
Monica Geller: All right, I'm gonna go to work. Does anybody have a problem with that?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, lady, I do! I got a problem with that!
Monica Geller: You want a problem? I'll give you a problem!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, what are you gonna do? You're gonna fire me?
Monica Geller: You bet your ass, I'm gonna fire you! Thank you.
Ross Geller: Oh, wow! I should get going. I-I got a date tonight.
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah! With who?
Ross Geller: You know that girl I told you about who lives up in Poughkeepsie?
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Not her. Yeah, this is someone else I meet, and I-I can't decide between the two of them. Y'know the one from Poughkeepsie, even though she's a two hour train ride away, is really pretty, really smart, and-and a lot of fun. But this other girl, well, she lives right uptown. Y'know she's, well she's-she's just as pretty, I guess she's smart, she's not fun.
Phoebe Buffay: If she's no fun, why do you want to date her at all?
Ross Geller: Well, I-I want to give her another chance, y'know? She lives so close. And, at the end of the date, the other time, she-she said something that was-if she was kidding was very funny. On the other hand, if she wasn't kidding, she's not fun, she's stupid, and kind of a racist.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey, man!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Ooh, how was your first day working at the restaurant?
Joey Tribbiani: Damn!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, what happened to your fancy chef's jacket?
Monica Geller: They baked it. I can't take this anymore. I'm gonna call a meeting tonight, I'm gonna fire you tonight.
Joey Tribbiani: You got it! Oh-oh!
Monica Geller: What are you doing?!
Joey Tribbiani: It's still a tiny bit on fire there.
Monica Geller: Thanks. I think you got it!
Rachel Green: Chandler!! You have the best taste in men!
Chandler Bing: Well, like father, like son.
Rachel Green: Patrick and I had such a great time last night! I mean I think this could maybe turn into something serious.
Chandler Bing: Really?! I-I thought you weren't looking for something serious? I thought you were looking for some kind of a fling.
Rachel Green: Well, y'know, possibly. You didn't tell him that, though? Right?
Chandler Bing: Ummmmmmmm, no.
Rachel Green: You told this guy that I was looking for a fling?! You don't tell the guy that!
Chandler Bing: Why not?! I'd be thrilled if I heard that some hot girl was just looking to get-oh I see.
Rachel Green: Oh, between you telling him that I wanted to have a fling and me putting out on the first date-oh, he's so gonna get the wrong idea.
Monica Geller: Hey, Joey, could you pass the cheese?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Listen uh, I'd prefer it if you didn't call me Joey. Since I don't know anyone here, I thought it'd be cool to try out a cool work nickname.
A Waiter: Hey, dragon! Here's your tips from Monday and Tuesday.
Joey Tribbiani: There's like-there's like 300 bucks in this one!
The Waiter: Yeah, people get pretty generous around the holidays. And it never hurts to wear tight trousers.
Monica Geller: Okay. Could the waiters gather around to hear tonight's specials? Okay, first there is a Chilean Sea Bass prepared with a Mango relish on a bag-Why is nobody writing these down?
The Waiter: Because we can remember them.
Monica Geller: Because your all gonna make up fake specials and make me cook them like you did the other night?
The Waiter: Well, sure, that too.
Monica Geller: Okay, forget the specials for a minute. Umm, all right here's the thing, for the last two weeks I have umm, tried really hard to create a positive atmosphere...
The Waiter: Can't hear you!
Monica Geller: A positive atmosphere! But I-I-I have had it up to here. From now on, it is gonna be my way, or the highway! All right? Does anybody have a problem with that?!! Hey new guy! I said, does anybody have a problem with that?!
Joey Tribbiani: No ma'am.
The Waiter: Hey! He has a name, it's Dragon. Do you wanna know your name? Check your hat. We did the hat right?
Monica Geller: What the hell happened?!
Joey Tribbiani: I am so-so-so sorry. I was gonna do it! Really! But I was standing there with 327 dollars in one hand and 238 dollars in the other hand, and I was thinking, "Wow! It's been a long time since I had... 327 + 238 dollars!"
Monica Geller: Joey, we had a deal. That-that's why you're here! I've got to fire you!
Joey Tribbiani: And I gotta pay rent! Look, how-how about this? You don't fire me, instead I stay here, I gain their trust, and they'll start listening to all the nice things I've been saying about you.
Monica Geller: What kinda things have you been saying?
Joey Tribbiani: Well nothing yet, they really hate you and I want to fit in.
Phoebe Buffay: Happy, happy Chanukah, Chandler and Monica. Very merry...
Chandler Bing: Oh, y'know, y'know what Pheebs?
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Chandler Bing: I'm not Jewish, so...
Phoebe Buffay: So! Ross doesn't really decorate his tree with floss, but you don't hear him complaining do you? God!
Chandler Bing: Bad dream?
Ross Geller: I wasn't sleeping.
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, then uh, what was Phoebe's song about?
Ross Geller: The one with the cat. I gotta go, I've got another date.
Phoebe Buffay: So, did you pick one yet?
Ross Geller: No, it turns out that the one from uptown was making a joke. But it was a different joke than I thought-it wasn't that funny. So I'm still torn.
Phoebe Buffay: Well look, you don't really like the one from uptown and you're too exhausted from dating the one up in Poughkeepsie, so I say you just end them both. Okay? You take a train up to Poughkeepsie and break up with her, and on your way back you break up with uptown. And then by the time you get home tonight, you're done!
Ross Geller: Y'know, you're right. Thank you.
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, well I had a similar problem when I lived in Prague.
Chandler Bing: Prague?
Phoebe Buffay: There's sooo much you don't know.
Rachel Green: Chandler! Patrick just uh, ended things with me. Did you or did you not tell him that I was looking for a serious relationship?
Chandler Bing: I did! I absolutely did!
Rachel Green: You idiot!!
Chandler Bing: I'm sure you're right, but why?
Rachel Green: You don't tell a guy that you're looking for a serious relationship! You don't tell the guy that! Now you scared him away!
Chandler Bing: Oh, man. I'm sorry, I'm so-so sorry.
Rachel Green: Y'know, you should never be allowed to talk to people!
Chandler Bing: I know! I know!
Rachel Green: Oh! See just I'm right back where I started! Aww, this sucks! Being alone, sucks!
Chandler Bing: Well, y'know, you're-you're gonna meet somebody! You're a great catch! Y'know when I was telling all those guys about you, I didn't have to lie once.
Rachel Green: Really?
Chandler Bing: Yeah! You graduated Magma Ku Laude, right?
Rachel Green: No.
Chandler Bing: Oh, it doesn't matter. Hey, y'know what, I've got two tickets to tonight's Rangers game, you wanna come with me?
Rachel Green: Cute guys in little shorts? Sure.
Chandler Bing: Well, actually it's a hockey team, so it's angry Canadians with no teeth.
Rachel Green: Well that sounds fun too.
Chandler Bing: Have you ever been with a woman?
Rachel Green: What?! Chandler, what is the matter with you?!
Chandler Bing: So there is no good time to ask that question.
The Conductor: The next station is Poughkeepsie. Poughkeepsie!
The Woman From Poughkeepsie: Ross? Ross! Wake up! Ross! Ross! Ross!! Ross!!! Ross!!!!
Monica Geller: I need more swordfish. Can you get me some more swordfish?
Kitchen Worker: I don't speak English.
Monica Geller: You did a minute ago!
Kitchen Worker: Well, I don't know what to tell ya!
Monica Geller: Fine!
Monica Geller: Okay! Very funny! Somebody let me out please?! Come on, I'm cold! And covered in marinara sauce! Come on! Let me out!
The Waiter: You found that handle, did ya?
Monica Geller: That's not funny.
The Waiter: Well that's not true.
Monica Geller: I'm a good person. And I'm a good chef, and I don't deserve to have marinara sauce all over me! Y'know what, if you want me to quit this bad, then all you have to do is...
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chef Geller! Y'know that little speech you made the other day? Well I got a problem with it!
Monica Geller: You do?
Joey Tribbiani: You bet I do! I just ah, wasn't listening then, that's all.
Monica Geller: Well if you want a problem? I'll give you a problem!
Joey Tribbiani: What are you gonna do? You're gonna fire me?
Monica Geller: You bet your ass I'm gonna fire you! Get out of my kitchen! Get out!! All right! Anybody else got a problem? How 'bout you Chuckles? You think this is funny now?
The Waiter: No.
Monica Geller: How about if I dance around all covered in sauce? Huh? You think it's funny now?
The Waiter: No, it's really good.
Monica Geller: Good! Now, take those salads to table 4, And you! Get the swordfish! And you! Get a haircut!
The Conductor: Last stop, Montreal. This stop is Montreal.
Ross Geller: What?
Woman On Train: I made a bet with myself that you have beautiful eyes. Now that I see them, I win.
Ross Geller: What?
Woman On Train: We're at my stop. But would you like to have coffee?
Ross Geller: Are we really in Montreal?!
Woman On Train: Yes we are. So, coffee?
Ross Geller: Coffee sounds great. Wait, so, so you live in Montreal?
Woman On Train: Oh, no. But it's just a two hour ferry ride to Nova Scotia.
Joey Tribbiani: Well I guess I should've thought about my wife and kids before I talked back to chef Geller!
Monica Geller: Thanks.
Joey Tribbiani: Yep! Looks like it's gonna be a leeeeean Christmas at the Dragon house this year.
Monica Geller: Enough!
Joey Tribbiani: Lean-lean-lean!
Phoebe Buffay: "Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap./Asked him to bring my friends all kind of crap./Said all you need is to write them a song./They haven't heard it, so don't try and sing along./No, don't sing along./Monica, Moncia, have a happy Chanukah./Saw Santa Clause, he said hello to Ross./And plese tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy!/And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!"/Happy holidays, everybody!


Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! I can't believe my little brother is married!
Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh I know!!
Phoebe Buffay: You guys, why didn't you tell me you were eloping?
Frank Buffay Jr.: 'Cause it just sorta happened, y'know we were at the courthouse, we were having lunch...
Phoebe Buffay: Wait, wait, why were you at the courthouse?
Frank Buffay Jr.: We were having lunch. Yeah and then all of the sudden we were like, "Hey! Y'know, we're here, having lunch let's get married!
Phoebe Buffay: Wow, a year and a half ago I didn't even know I had a brother, and now I have a sister too. Okay. Okay. Stop it, don't. So, I gotta get you a gift now. Is there anything you need?
Frank Buffay Jr.: Uhh, yeah.
Alice Knight: We've been trying to get pregnant, uh pretty much ever since we got engaged, we thought we'd get a jump on things, y'know no one's getting any younger.
Frank Buffay Jr.: See the thing is umm, we're not able to y'know, uh, conceive.
Alice Knight: And we've tried everything, we've seen a bunch of doctors.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, and they-and they say that our-that our only chance to have a baby is that if they take my sperm, her egg and put it together in a dish and then put it into another girl. So we were wondering if you could be the girl that we could put it into.
Phoebe Buffay: That's a really nice gift. I was thinking of like a gravy boat.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! You guys! Check it out, check it out! Guess which job I got.
Chandler Bing: I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.
Ross Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: Blue blazer back. He-he wants it back.
Rachel Green: But you-you said black. Why would he want his blue blazer black?
Chandler Bing: Well, you-you know what I meant.
Monica Geller: No, you messed it up. You're stupid.
Chandler Bing: So what job did you get Joe?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, ah, tour guide at the museum. Yeah, Ross got it for me.
Rachel Green: Well, how can you be a tour guide, don't you have to be a dinosaur expert or something?
Joey Tribbiani: No, not really. They give you all the information, it's uh, it's like memorizing a script. "And on your left, you have Tyrannosaurus Rex, a carnivore from the Jurassic period.
Ross Geller: Uh actually Joey, it's the Cretasous period.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah but, I can pronounce Jurassic.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!!
Everyone: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Guess what. Frank Jr., and Alice got married!
Everyone: Oh my God!!
Phoebe Buffay: And! And, they're gonna have a baby! And! And, they want me to grow it for them in my uterus.
Ross Geller: My God!
Monica Geller: Are you serious?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah
Joey Tribbiani: You're really thinking about having sex with your brother?!
Phoebe Buffay: Ewww! And "Oh no!" It's-they just want me to be the surrogate. It's her-it's her egg and her sperm, and I'm-I'm just the oven, it's totally their bun.
Joey Tribbiani: Huh.
Monica Geller: What did you tell them?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, they said that I had to think about it first, but what is there to think about? I'm gonna be giving them the greatest gift you can possibly give.
Chandler Bing: You're gonna be carrying their baby and give them a Sony Play Station?
Rachel Green: Honey, this really is an incredible thing to do for them, but there are things to think about.
Monica Geller: Yeah, like you're gonna be pregnant. I mean pregnant.
Phoebe Buffay: I know!
Ross Geller: Pheebs, you're talking about putting your body through an awful lot, I mean morning sickness, uhh, labour, and it's all for somebody else!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, what's your point?
Ross Geller: Well, the stuff I just mentioned.
Rachel Green: Wow! I don't know if I could ever do that. I always figured the first time I had a baby was with somebody I love and that baby would be a...keeper.
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know you guys were a lot more supportive when I wanted to make denim furniture.
Joey Tribbiani: No, Pheebs, listen, if you decide to do this, we'll be supportive like crazy.
Everyone: Yeah.
Monica Geller: We just want you to think it through.
Rachel Green: Yeah, honey, maybe you can talk to somebody who's had a baby. Like your mom?
Phoebe Buffay: My mom never gave birth. Oh! But my birth mom did.
Kathy: Umm, I love this touchy. Can I take it to work with me?
Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah, sure, it's not mine anyway. It can with the pants.
Kathy: Oh!
Monica Geller: I am so jealous.
Rachel Green: You guys are really right...there aren't you?
Chandler Bing: Yes. Right where?
Monica Geller: In the beginning where y'know it's all sex and talking and sex and talking and...
Chandler Bing: Yeah, you-you gotta love the talking.
Monica Geller: And the sex?
Chandler Bing: All right, we haven't had sex yet. Okay, what's the big deal? Y'know? This is special, and I want our love to grow until we move on to the next level.
Rachel Green: Oh, Chandler that is so nice.
Ross Geller: That is really nice...lying! No way is that the reason!
Rachel Green: Why? Just because you're not mature enough to understand something like that?!
Chandler Bing: No, he's right, I'm totally lying.
Monica Geller: Then what is it?
Chandler Bing: Well, Kathy's last boyfriend was Joey.
Ross Geller: And you're afraid you won't be able to...fill his shoes.
Chandler Bing: No, I'm afraid I won't be able to make love as well as him.
Ross Geller: Yeah, I was going for the metaphor.
Chandler Bing: Yes, and I was saying the actual words.
Monica Geller: So big deal, so Joey's had a lot of girlfriends, it doesn't mean he's great in bed.
Chandler Bing: We share a wall! So either he's great in bed, or she just likes to agree with him a lot.
Monica Geller: Sweetie, with you it's gonna be different. The sex is gonna be great, 'cause you-you guys are in love.
Chandler Bing: Yeah?
Rachel Green: Yeah!
Ross Geller: Just go for it Chandler.
Monica Geller: Yeah, you should.
Rachel Green: Yeah, you should, really.
Monica Geller: Go on.
Chandler Bing: All right, all right, I'll go sleep with my girlfriend. But I'm just doing it for you guys.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, now the Mastodon is from the semi-late Jurassic period.
Smart Kid: Isn't the Mastodon from the Pliocene Epic?
Joey Tribbiani: Shhh! This is a museum, no talking. Right down here, we have a large foot. Uhh, and over here we have Ross Geller. Everyone wave 'Hi' to Ross. Ross is one of our most important scientists, look at him, hard at work. Okay, moving right along. Come on.
Phoebe Abbott: It's open! Come in!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi!
Phoebe Abbott: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, I'm late.
Phoebe Abbott: Oh, that's okay, it gave me time to finish glazing my nipples.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! You really go all out when you're expecting company.
Phoebe Abbott: No, I was working on my pottery.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Ooh! Oh, I didn't know that you did...pot.
Phoebe Abbott: Well, yeah, mostly nudes. It combines my two passions, pottery and erotica.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, erotiery!
Phoebe Abbott: Hey! Okay! Well thanks for coming out to see me. I just-I just thought it would be a very good idea to talk about this baby stuff in person. Y'know...
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Phoebe Abbott: I really don't think it's a very good idea, Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: Why not?
Phoebe Abbott: Well, because you'd be giving up a baby, and I-I really don't-I don't know if there's anything I can say that could make you understand the pain of giving up a baby. So, umm,
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no! No-no! I understand the pain! Don't-don't hurt the puppy.
Phoebe Abbott: No-no-no, the-the puppy's yours.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I get a puppy!!
Phoebe Abbott: Well, yeah! I mean yeah, but only for three days.
Phoebe Buffay: Why?
Phoebe Abbott: I realise I don't have any right to start get all parenty on you and everything now, but umm, uhh... Phoebe, would you please look at me and not the puppy, it's very important.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Phoebe Abbott: I mean, I know what I'm talking about. I gave up two babies, and I only wish I had someone there that had given up babies, that could tell me how terrible it is to give up babies. I just think that, it would be something you will regret every single day for the rest of your life. So, how ever hard it is to give up this puppy, it would be like a million times harder to give up a child. I really shouldn't have given you the puppy first.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, I'm sorry.
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, do you mind sitting there. I'm-I'm saving this for my friend Ross.
Tour Guide: You mean Dr. Geller?
Joey Tribbiani: Doctor? Wow! I didn't know he had a nickname.
Tour Guide: Oh, he won't sit here. Only the people in the white coats sit over there, and only the people in the blue blazers sit here.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, how-how come?
Tour Guide: That's just the way it is.
Joey Tribbiani: That's crazy.
Tour Guide: Maybe it's crazy in a perfect world, a world without lab coats and blazers, but you not in a perfect world, you in a museum now. See that scientist in the classes, he and I used to play together all the time in grade school, but now... Peter! Hey, Peter! It's me Rhonda! From PS-129! I shared my puddin' which you man! I gave you my Snack Pack! See, he pretend he don't even here me!
Joey Tribbiani: I-I think everybody's pretending they don't hear you. Anyway, look, I don't know about you and your jackets and your separate tables, but Ross is one of my best friends, and if I save him a seat, I'm telling you, he will sit in it! Ross! Ross! Over here, man! I-I saved you seat.
Ross Geller: That's okay, I'm cool over here. I'll catch up with you later, Joey.
Tour Guide: Op, this is saved. Gift shop.
Ross Geller: Hey, uh, I'm really, really sorry about what happened in the cafeteria today.
Joey Tribbiani: It's no big deal. Hey, y'know, you do what you gotta do. Right?
Ross Geller: But hey, it's not just me, I mean the scientists and the tour guides never sit together.
Joey Tribbiani: Whatever.
Ross Geller: It's like that everywhere, Joey! Okay, Mon, back me up here. Where you work the uh, waiters eat with the waiters, right? And the chefs eat with the other chefs, right?
Monica Geller: I eat by myself in the alley because everybody hates me.
Joey Tribbiani: Look, Ross, really it's-it's no big deal. Y'know you wear a white coat, I wear a blue blazer, if that means we can't be friends at work, then so be it. Y'know, hey I understand. Y'know? Hey, when I'm in a play and you're in the audience, I don't talk to you, right? So it's y'know, it's uh, it's cool. I'll see you tomorrow.
Rachel Green: Yeah, when we're in the audience he doesn't talk to us, but he does wave.
Chandler Bing: Hi.
Monica Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Why is Phoebe singing to Carl Mulden?
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, y'know what, I think it's time for puppy to go out again. Come on, let's go to the balcony.
Monica Geller: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, the street. Come on, let's go to the street. Ooh, listen, don't go onto the balcony until after I get back.
Monica Geller: So, did you do it?
Chandler Bing: Yes, yes, we had the sex.
Monica Geller: Uh-oh, it was bad?
Chandler Bing: It was fine, y'know? But she didn't agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, "I see you point, I'm all right with it."
Monica Geller: Well, it was the first time. Y'know, there's not always a lot of agreement the first time.
Rachel Green: Yeah, not girls anyway, guys agree like that.
Chandler Bing: Look, you have to help me! Okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman, y'know, I know where everything goes, it's always nice. But I need to know what makes it go from nice to, "My God! Somebody's killing her in there!"
Monica Geller: All right, I'm gonna show you something a lot of guys don't know. Rach, give me that pad, please? All right. Now...
Chandler Bing: Look, you don't have to draw an actual wo-whoa! She's hot!
Monica Geller: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. You got one, two three, four , five, six, and seven!
Chandler Bing: There are seven?!
Rachel Green: Let me see that. Oh, yeah.
Chandler Bing: That's one?
Monica Geller: It's kind of an important one!
Chandler Bing: Oh, y'know-y'know what, I was looking at it upside down.
Rachel Green: Well, y'know, sometimes that helps.
Monica Geller: Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.
Chandler Bing: That-that's bad?
Rachel Green: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Materhorn.
Chandler Bing: Well you might if it were anything like 7!
Monica Geller: All right uh, the important thing is to take your time, you want to hit 'em all, and you mix 'em up. You gotta keep them on their toes.
Rachel Green: Oo, toes!! Well, for some people.
Monica Geller: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7, ...7...7...7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7...!
Older Scientist: Dr. Geller, there's a seat over here.
Ross Geller: Thank you, Dr. Phillips, but I'm having my lunch at this table, here in the middle. I'm having lunch right here, with my good friend Joey, if he'll sit with me.
Joey Tribbiani: I will sit with you Dr. Geller.
Ross Geller: Y'know, we work in a museum of natural history, and yet there is something unnatural about the way we eat lunch. Now, I look around this cafeteria, and y'know what I see, I see-I see division. Division, between people in white coats and people in blue blazers, and I ask myself, "My God why?!" Now, I say we shed these-these coats that separate us, and we get to know the people underneath. I'm Ross! I'm divorced, and I have a kid!
Joey Tribbiani: I'm Joey! I'm an actor! I don't know squat about dinosaurs!
Another Tour Guide: I'm Ted, and I just moved here a month ago, and New York really scares me.
Ross Geller: All right, there you go!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you hang in there Teddy!
Older Scientist: I'm Andrew, and I didn't pay for this pear.
Ross Geller: Okay, good-good for you.
Tour Guide: I'm Rhonda, and these aren't real!
Ross Geller: Wow, Rhonda.
Another Scientist: I'm Scott.
Ross Geller: Yeah, okay, Scott!
Another Scientist: And I need to flip the light switch on and off 17 times before I leave a room or my family will die.
Phoebe Buffay: My mom's gonna be here any minute. I can't do this, I can't give him up. Yes-no, I can. I don't want to. But I can. No.
Rachel Green: Oo, I can't watch this, it's like Sophie's Choice.
Monica Geller: Y'know, I never saw that.
Rachel Green: Ooh, it was only okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, I can't do this. My mom was right. If I can't-if I can't give him up, then there's no way I can give up a baby. Ohh, God, Frank and Alice are gonna be so crushed. What-what else, what else can I give 'em-a kidney!
Alice Knight: Hi!
Frank Buffay Jr.: Hi!
Alice Knight: Uhh, we were just in the neighbourhood, so...
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, so we just thought we'd stop by and let you know there's still no pressure.
Alice Knight: None. But if there was something you wanted to tell us, we're just gonna be right over there having coffee.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, who's this little guy?!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Ooh! Umm!
Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, he's so cute, he reminds me of my old dog, Tumour.
Alice Knight: You are so precious, I could just take you home.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, why don't you?
Frank Buffay Jr.: Are you serious?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, yeah!
Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, thanks.
Monica Geller: What are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: No, I'm really okay with this. Y'know why? 'Cause look at them, and I made that, so... I know it's gonna be like a million times harder to give up a baby but, oh my God, it's gonna feel like a million times better, right? I wanna do this. I wanna carry your baby.
Alice Knight: Oh! Oh! Oh! Thank you so much! You don't know what this means to us! Oh!
Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh my God, I think I'm gonna cry!
Monica Geller: It's gonna be so great.
Phoebe Abbott: Hi! What's going on?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I-I gave them the puppy and it made them so happy that I decided I'm gonna carry their baby.
Phoebe Abbott: But Phoebe...
Phoebe Buffay: No-no-no, I know, but you and I are different people though, and this is a totally different situation, and I know that I am not gonna regret this.
Phoebe Abbott: Oh, I-I-I understand all that, but it's just-that was my puppy.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh!
Monica Geller: Would you ever be a surrogate for anyone?
Rachel Green: It depends on who asked.
Monica Geller: What if I asked?
Rachel Green: Oh, Mon, sure.
Monica Geller: Really?
Rachel Green: Yes. You're not asking are you?
Monica Geller: No.
Rachel Green: Yes! Totally!
Kathy: Oh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Yes! Thank you!