Ben Geller: I'm ready!
Ross Geller: You sure?
Ben Geller: Uh-huh!
Chandler Bing: Okay, let me just straighten out your helmet there.
Ben Geller: Thanks daddy.
Ross Geller: No-no, one daddy, two mommies. All right, it's all yours.
Chandler Bing: Okay. Okay.
Ross Geller: Yes! Yes! Yes!!
Phoebe Buffay: His first big kid's bike, this is so exciting!
Monica Geller: Oh yeah, I remember mine! Ohh, it was my sixth birthday, my dad took me to the park, I got it, and...it bent.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: I never had a bike of my own.
Ross Geller: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, we didn't have a lot of money. But the girl across the street had the best bike! It was pink and it had rainbow colored tassels hanging off the handle grips, and-and-and a bell and this big, white wicker basket with those plastic daisies stuck on.
Chandler Bing: That sounds like my first bike. My dad gave me his old one.
Ross Geller: Ohh.
Monica Geller: Did the girl ever let you ride it?
Phoebe Buffay: No! But she gave me the box that it came in. It had a picture of the bike on the front. So I would sit on it and my step-dad would drag me around the backyard.
Ross Geller: That is so unfair!
Phoebe Buffay: Not really, I got to drag him around too!
Chandler Bing: Hey! What are you guys doing?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Monica Geller: Making holiday candy for the neighbors.
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry, who?
Monica Geller: I'm gonna hang this basket on the door and when the neighbors walk by they can all take a piece.
Chandler Bing: But we don't know the neighbors.
Joey Tribbiani: I do. There's uh, let's see, Guy With a Mustache, Smokes-A-Lot Lady, Some Kids I've Seen, and A Red-haired Guy Who Does Not Like To Be Called Rusty.
Monica Geller: See? This is exactly why I'm making this candy. We can learn their names and get to know our neighbors.
Chandler Bing: Wouldn't it be easier if we just moved?
Rachel Green: Gooood morning!!
Chandler Bing: Eh, somebody's in a good mood!
Rachel Green: Well, why shouldn't I be? I have great friends! I have a wonderful job!
Monica Geller: Where you can make out with your assistant.
Rachel Green: Come on, it's not a big deal! We stayed up all night coming up with a plan so that us dating will not be a problem.
Monica Geller: Oh yeah, what's the plan?
Rachel Green: We... We are not... ...going to let it... be a problem.
Monica Geller: Wow! It took you all night to come up with that plan?!
Rachel Green: Well y'know, we did other stuff too.
Monica Geller: Did you two...
Rachel Green: Oh Monica come on, y'know I don't sleep with guys on the first date!
Monica Geller: Matt Guire, Mark Lynn, Ben Wire...
Rachel Green: Anymore!!
Monica Geller: Okay.
Rachel Green: Hi. Tag, I have a conference call today is that correct?
Tag Jones: Yes, at 4:00.
Rachel Green: Okay, thank you. That'll be all. Wait! Wait! Did you see that? That mail guy had no idea there was something going on between us.
Tag Jones: I'd better get back to my desk.
Rachel Green: Okay, you hard worker! I'll remember to put that in your evaluation.
Tag Jones: My what?
Rachel Green: Well, you've been here for two months now and your boss is required to hand in a performance evaluation. But y'know, there is one thing that I have yet to evaluate.
Tag Jones: Are you serious?
Rachel Green: No, I've just always wanted to do that. Can you help me clean this up?
Monica Geller: The basket is totally empty! My God, the neighbors ate all the candy!
Chandler Bing: Well, either that or uh...
Monica Geller: Joey!!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah?
Monica Geller: Did you eat all the neighbor candy?!
Joey Tribbiani: Uh well yeah, that was the plan, but by the time I got to it there was only a couple of pieces left!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, and they've been coming by all day. They love it!
Monica Geller: They love my candy? Oh man!!! I've gotta go make more!!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Mon, you might wanna make some more lasagna too, because something might've happened to a huge chunk of it.
Monica Geller: Ross! The neighbors ate all my candy!!
Ross Geller: Mine stole my newspaper! It's like a crime wave!! Pheebs, you uh, you got a second.
Phoebe Buffay: Sure!
Ross Geller: Yeah, ever since you uh, told me that story about that bike I-I couldn't stop thinking about it. I mean, everyone should have a-a first bike, so...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God Ross!!
Ross Geller: You like it?
Phoebe Buffay: I love it!!
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh!! Ohh!! And I love you!
Ross Geller: Ahh.
Phoebe Buffay: Not that way! But the bike brought you a lot closer!
Ross Geller: Ah! Well uh-uh, t-take it downstairs, y'know give it a test ride.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay! Oh my God! My first bike! Thank you for the best present I've ever gotten.
Ross Geller: You're welcome.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh and Chandler's about to cry.
Chandler Bing: Am not!
Monica Geller: Who is that?!
Chandler Bing: Don't worry, I'm brave! I am brave! I...I am brave! No-no-no-no!! Can you tell me who is there please?
The Knocker: My name is Gary, I live upstairs.
Gary: Hi!
Monica Geller: Hi. Do you know what time it is?
Gary: It's candy time! My roommate says that they taste like little drops of heaven.
Monica Geller: Oh please! Did you hear that? Little drops of heaven.
Chandler Bing: 4:00 A.M.
Gary: So, can I get some candy?
Chandler Bing: I am sorry, but some of us have to get up early and go to work! He does not know that I am not some of us.
Monica Geller: Umm, listen I am sorry, but I'll put some out first thing in the morning.
Gary: Well okay, I'll swing by later. Do you live in this building?
Monica Geller: Um-hmm.
Gary: Mm! Seems like I would've remembered you!
Chandler Bing: Mm! Night Gar'!
Rachel Green: So did you read your evaluation yet?
Tag Jones: No! It was marked confidential I just sent it down to Human Resources.
Rachel Green: Okay please, you're kidding right?! I wrote that one as a joke for you!
Tag Jones: A joke they would appreciate?
Rachel Green: I'm thinkin' no.
Tag Jones: What did you say?!
Rachel Green: Umm, I said I thought you were a good kisser, and uh, and that I like your tiney-tiny touchie.
Tag Jones: No, not my touchie.
Rachel Green: Well, it gets worse. When asked if you take initiative I wrote, "Yes, he was able to unhook my bra with minimal supervision," and under Problems with Performance I wrote, "Dear God, I hope not," and then uh, then I drew a little smiley face, and then a small pornographic sketch.
Monica Geller: Ross! That is so sweet of you to get Phoebe that bike! When I heard the story, I almost cried.
Joey Tribbiani: Almost cried huh? Hear that Chandler? Almost cried!
Chandler Bing: Hey, you cry every time somebody talks about Titanic!
Joey Tribbiani: Those two only had each other!
Ross Geller: Phoebe really likes the bike huh?
Monica Geller: Oh yeah! I saw her walkin' it down the street the other day. She had uh, these flowers in the basket. It was so cute.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I saw her this morning walkin' it by the park.
Ross Geller: Wait a minute, she was walking the bike? Both times?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Pheebs?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh hi!
Chandler Bing: Hey! So are you enjoying the bike?
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, uh-huh so much!
Ross Geller: Pheebs you uh...you do know how to ride a bike don't you?
Phoebe Buffay: Of course!
Monica Geller: Umm, can we see you ride it?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. See?
Monica Geller: See, this is why I told you never get involved with your assistant! And here is no such thing as keeping secrets when it comes to affairs. Did you hear that Chandler? No such thing!
Chandler Bing: What happened? I'm just eating candy.
Rachel Green: Maybe it's not as bad as I think. Y'know, maybe they didn't take it the way I meant it.
Chandler Bing: Absolutely! Y'know, because touchie can mean both ass and good worker.
Rachel Green: Ugh, I just gotta get the thing back!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Rach?
Rachel Green: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: That sketch you mentioned? Might it have looked a little something like this?
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Joey!
Chandler Bing: What is the matter with you?
Rachel Green: Ugh!
Joey Tribbiani: Boy I tell ya, this little talent came in handy before I could afford porn.
The Woman: Hi! I'm sorry, I know it's after hours but I really need candy.
Monica Geller: I'm sorry, I can't help you. See? Rules are rules.
The Woman: Please! I have people coming from out of town today! And, I told them all about your candy!
Monica Geller: No kidding, out of towners huh? What did you tell 'em?
The Woman: I told 'em your candy is absolutely indescribable!
Monica Geller: Some people have been saying its y'know little drops of heaven, but whatever.
The Woman: Please, can't you help me out?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Chandler, do we know that lady?
Chandler Bing: Maybe, isn't she the woman who lives below you and has sex really loud?
Monica Geller: All right, I'll do it just this once! But you can't tell anybody!
The Woman: Yes! Yes! Please, just give it to me!
The Woman: Thank you.
Monica Geller: It's unbelievable! I-I can't believe that sign didn't work!
Chandler Bing: Y'know what would work?
Monica Geller: Hmm?
Chandler Bing: Stop making candy!
Monica Geller: But they like it!
Chandler Bing: You mean they like you.
Monica Geller: Maybe.
Chandler Bing: Is that why you became a chef? So that people would like you?
Monica Geller: Oh, you really want to talk about getting people to like you huh, funny man?
Ross Geller: Okay, now just remember everything I taught you and you'll be fine. Okay? Here we go. Ready...Set...
Phoebe Buffay: Wait! This seat is really uncomfortable! Yeah, maybe before we start we should just get another one. Perhaps, like an airplane seat-or a beanbag chair!
Ross Geller: Phoebe, you can't get out of this! Okay? You have to learn how to ride a bike!
Phoebe Buffay: Why? Why do I have to learn?
Ross Geller: Well...In-in case of emergency.
Phoebe Buffay: What kind of an emergency?
Ross Geller: Well let there-what if a man comes along and puts a gun to your head and says, "You ride this bike or I'll sh...I'll shoot you."
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I would ring the bell to distract him and then I would knock the gun out of his hand with a Chinese throwing star.
Ross Geller: Okay, Phoebe just-just get-get on the bike and-Hey! I'll hold you up and-and push you. Okay?
Phoebe Buffay: You won't let go?
Ross Geller: No!
Phoebe Buffay: Swear?!
Ross Geller: I swear!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Ross Geller: Come on. All right, here we go. All right?
Phoebe Buffay: All right.
Ross Geller: All right. Feel good?
Phoebe Buffay: Well...
Ross Geller: All right, try pedaling.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Ross Geller: That's it, your doing great.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Ross Geller: Doing great! Yes-yes-yes! Take control! Yes!
Phoebe Buffay: Weee!!!
Ross Geller: Yes!! Yes!!!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Oh! Oh no!! You swore!
Ross Geller: I-I just thought you were doing so well. I...
Phoebe Buffay: I am shocked! Shocked!!
Ross Geller: It's a legitimate learning technique. Wow!
Ross Geller: Hey, there's uh, some people outside, askin' about candy.
Monica Geller: Well, they're just gonna have to wait aren't they? I've only got two hands!!
Ross Geller: Need some help?
Monica Geller: No! You don't know the system! There'll be nobody messing with the system!
Ross Geller: By the way, the week before your wedding you may not see a lot of me.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hello liar.
Ross Geller: Look, I-I'm really sorry I let go of the bike.
Phoebe Buffay: I could've been killed I hope you know!
Ross Geller: I know. I know. But, can we please try it again? Huh? I mean, you were so close Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I would love to but...the bike got stolen and the police have no suspects.
Ross Geller: Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: What?! What the hell?!
Ross Geller: All right, y'know what? If you are not going to learn how to ride this bike then I'm sorry, I'm just gonna have to take it back.
Phoebe Buffay: What?! Why?!
Ross Geller: Because! Because, it-it-it's... It'd be like you having this guitar and-and never playing it. Okay, this guitar wants to be played! And-and this bike wants to be ridden and-and if you don't ride it you-you're-you're killing its spirit! The bike is dying.
Phoebe Buffay: All right. If you care enough to make up that load of crap, okay.
Ross Geller: Great! Great! You're making the bike very happy.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay Ross! Please don't die!
Rachel Green: Okay, I think we can get the evaluation back before they see it, but we're gonna have to get into Mr. Zelner's office. Now, he doesn't get in until 10, so he's no problem, but his assistant, Betty, she comes in early to eat her breakfast at her desk.
Tag Jones: That's kinda sad.
Rachel Green: Yeah, well Betty's kinda sad. Which is why I believe I can lure her away with these chocolates. Now, while I distract her, you get in the office.
Tag Jones: Got it!
Rachel Green: Let's roll!
Mr. Zelner: Hello Rachel, you uh, got a minute?
Rachel Green: Yeah, sure Mr. Zelner, for you anything-minute. Okay. Fine. Abort the plan, abort the plan.
Mr. Zelner: Uh actually, I'd like to speak with both of you.
Rachel Green: Okay. Uh, well can we, can we get you anything Mr. Zelner? Maybe some chocolates?
Mr. Zelner: Umm, no. Thanks, but I'll give these to Betty. So I read your evaluation of Tag, or to use his full name, Tag Sweetcheeks Jones. Is something going on with you two?
Rachel Green: Oh my God. Can you imagine if there was?! I mean, what would happen exactly.
Mr. Zelner: Well, I'd be forced to file a report. I'd have to consult with the legal department, and your future at the company would be in jeopardy.
Rachel Green: Well...
Tag Jones: Uh Mr. Zelner, I'm the one who filled in that evaluation.
Rachel Green: Oh no-no-no...
Tag Jones: Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, I thought it would be funny.
Mr. Zelner: You wrote that you have a cute touchie?
Tag Jones: Yes. I have a weird sense of humor, and I'm kinda strangely proud of my butt.
Mr. Zelner: It's kind of a risky joke Tag, and what is-what is this drawing I can't figure out what this is?
Rachel Green: You're lookin' at it upside down-y'know what? It doesn't matter.
Mr. Zelner: Yeah, it's not like I don't have a sense of humor, huh? Hell, I even enjoy a naughty limerick now and then. But there's a time and a place, huh?! Unless you uh, have a limerick right now? No? Okay, well uh, you've got my fax number.
Rachel Green: Whoa! I can't believe you did that. That was really sweet.
Tag Jones: No, don't worry about it.
Rachel Green: No, you could've lost your job.
Tag Jones: Are you kidding me?! With a cute butt like this, I'd find work.
Rachel Green: Thank you! You're great!
Tag Jones: Y'know what?
Rachel Green: What?
Tag Jones: I feel great. In fact! What?
Rachel Green: I... It just-it took me so long to get that desk organized.
Tag Jones: Oh, I'm sorry.
Rachel Green: There it is.
Chandler Bing: What is going on?
The Man: We're waiting for the candy. Bring out the candy!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah lady! Give us candy!!
Chandler Bing: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: What's up buddy?
Chandler Bing: What are you doing?
Joey Tribbiani: Waiting for candy.
Chandler Bing: Get in here! Hey, and you can not smoke in here! Merry Christmas.
Monica Geller: Okay, guys! The candy is coming; I just need another 15 minutes for the chocolate to cool!
Everyone: We want candy! We want candy now!
Chandler Bing: All right everybody! Just be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet!! Pipe-pipe-pipe down! What is the matter with you people?! This woman was trying to do a nice thing for you. She was making candy so she could try to get to know all of you, and I'll bet that not one of you can tell me her name! Am I right?
The Man: Candy Lady?
Chandler Bing: No not Candy Lady.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, if we know it can we have candy?!!
Chandler Bing: All right, y'know what? Forget it, all of you forget it! You've ruined it! Go home! You've ruined it! You've ruined it!
Joey Tribbiani: That's right, it's all ruined! You guys ruined everything! You ruined it!
Monica Geller: Thank you.
Chandler Bing: You're welcome.
Monica Geller: Did you smoke?
Chandler Bing: No! Smokes-A-Lot Lady blew smoke directly into my mouth. Eh-uh-are you okay?
Monica Geller: I'm fine now, but it was really scary there for a while. I mean, someone slipped a-a threatening note under the door.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, sorry about that. Mob mentality or whatever, I don't know...
Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe it! I did it! I rode a bike! I never thought I'd be able to do that! Thank you Ross.
Ross Geller: Oh hey, don't thank me, thank yourself. You're the one who faced her fears and ultimately overcame them.
Phoebe Buffay: Don't be so corny Ross, it's not an after-school special.


Chandler Bing: Buh-bye. I just got us reservations at Michelle's and tickets to the Musicman to celebrate our first holiday season as a betroughed couple.
Monica Geller: Betrothed...
Chandler Bing: ...betrothed couple.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Haaaa... ... ahhhh!
Chandler Bing: Pheebs?
Phoebe Buffay: Huh?
Chandler Bing: Skull?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah, it's my mom's.
Rachel Green: Oh my god!!
Phoebe Buffay: No, no, no. It's not! It's not my mom. It belonged to mom. Yeah, no, she used to put it out every Christmas to remind us, that even though it's Christmas, people still die. And, you can put candy in it.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Everyone: Hey!
Monica Geller: Licorice?
Ross Geller: Sure! Hey, I just found out, I get Ben for the holidays this year.
Everyone: Ohh! That's great!
Monica Geller: Are you gonna dress up as Santa?
Ross Geller: Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every year, but I think I wanna take this year to teach him all about Hanukkah.
Phoebe Buffay: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die.
Rachel Green: You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.
Ross Geller: Hmm.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Rachel Green: Did you know he was in there?
Monica Geller: No.
Chandler Bing: How long have we been home?
Monica Geller: About a half an hour.
Chandler Bing: Lovely!
Chandler Bing: Hey, you know what I was thinking? When we get married, are you gonna change your last name to Bing?
Monica Geller: No.
Chandler Bing: Why not?
Monica Geller: Bing's weird.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hey, you guys!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Guess what! My landlord just called and my apartment is gonna get ready soon, so I guess I'll be moving out.
Monica Geller: Ahh, Phoebe, I'm gonna miss you!
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, you will be very sad. All right, well I gotta go tell Rachel the good news.
Chandler Bing: Ohh! You guys gonna be living together again?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, why not?
Chandler Bing: Well, she's just so much fun with Joey, I just assumed, she'd still be living with him.
Phoebe Buffay: Why do you think, she's having so much fun living with Joey?
Chandler Bing: No reason, except...she...told...me.
Phoebe Buffay: Really? So she said, she didn't wanna live with me anymore?
Chandler Bing: No! No, she didn't say that. I-I-I think you should talk to Monica now.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, don't worry about it. I'm sure she wants to live with you.
Phoebe Buffay: You're sure? You're absolutely sure?
Monica Geller: Well, no. But, um, I bet she probably does.
Phoebe Buffay: Probably? Yeah, I don't like that word. Kind of what 'probably' really means. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, oh, "Your mom probably won't kill herself," y'know? I'm sorry, but I'm not hanging all my hopes of Rachel and I living together on-on "Probably!" Y'know? You gotta take care of yourselves! In this world history teaches us nothing!
Chandler Bing: Bing doesn't seem so weird now, does it?
Rachel Green: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Great, you're home! Guess what Phoebe got me for Christmas!
Rachel Green: Drums?
Joey Tribbiani: No! Drums!
Chandler Bing: Hi, could we get two burritos to go, please?
Monica Geller: I'm sorry. But not that sorry, 'cause you don't have to live with it. Um, we have a reservation under the name Chandler Bing.
Maitre D': Oh-kay, we'll have a table for you in about 45 minutes.
Chandler Bing: Forty-five minutes? We have tickets to the Musicman at 8:00.
Maitre D': I'm sorry. Christmas is a very busy time, sir.
Chandler Bing: Is this because of the burrito thing?
Monica Geller: You need to give him money.
Chandler Bing: Give him money? It was a joke!
Monica Geller: No, to get a table! Places like are always shakin' you down. Everybody wants to be paid off.
Chandler Bing: Right, calm down, O'Mally. I'll slip him some money.
Monica Geller: You've got to be smooth about it.
Chandler Bing: Hey, I can be smooth. Listen, we're a little bit in a hurry, so, if you can get us a table a little quicker, I'd appreciate it.
Maitre D': Of course, sir.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: How did it go?
Chandler Bing: Had the money in the wrong hand.
Ross Geller: Wooooooo, hehehe. Hey, ahh, you don't feel like you're gonna throw up, do ya?
Ben Geller: No.
Ross Geller: Well, I do, so let's... So, Ben, you uh, you know what holiday is coming up, don't ya?
Ben Geller: Christmas.
Ross Geller: Yep, and you know what other holiday is coming up?
Ben Geller: Christmas eve.
Ross Geller: Yes, but also Hanukkah! See, you're part Jewish, and-and Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday.
Ben Geller: Santa has reindeers that can fly!
Ross Geller: Right, um, but, on Hanukkah, Hanukkah is a celebration of a miracle. See, years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees.
Ben Geller: Jingle bells, jingle bells...
Ross Geller: Okay, that's right, yes, but on Hanukkah, uh, we sing, uh Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.
Ben Geller: Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer...
Ross Geller: Okay, it's not a contest.
Ben Geller: When is Santa coming?
Ross Geller: Well, how about this year, instead of Santa, we have fun celebrating Hanukkah?
Ben Geller: No Santa? Was I bad?
Ross Geller: No! Oh, no-no-no. Hey, you weren't bad, you've been very good, Ben.
Ben Geller: Santa's mad at me.
Ross Geller: No, hey-hey, come on, Ben, Santa is not mad at you, okay? Hey, you're-you're his favorite little guy!
Ben Geller: So Santa's coming?
Ross Geller: Yes! Santa's coming!
Monica Geller: It's easy! Just keep it casual! Give him a kind word, shake his hand and give him the money!
Chandler Bing: How do you know so much about this?
Monica Geller: I don't know.
Chandler Bing: Richard used to do it, didn't he?
Monica Geller: We'd be eating our soup right now.
Chandler Bing: Mustached bastard...
Monica Geller: Okay, those people just left, come on! Quick! Give him the money and get their table!
Chandler Bing: Excuse me...
Male Guest: Good evening.
Chandler Bing: Ahh-hahaha!
Rachel Green: Ha!
Phoebe Buffay: So you like the drums! That's, that's great! Y'know, I was worried, that, you know, they would maybe an unbearable living situation. All right, okay, well, apparently not! So, yay!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey, Pheebs, check it out, we already learned a song. Ready? One, two, three, four...
Phoebe Buffay: That's fun.
Gunther: Here you go.
Chandler Bing: Thank you Gunther, put it there. Definitely not easier with coins. Thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you. Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Here. Now I only owe you $49.50.
Chandler Bing: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Chandler Bing: If you wanna give Joey a Christmas present that disrupts the entire building, why not get him something a little bit more subtle, like a wrecking ball, or a vile of small pox to release in the hallway?
Monica Geller: It's not just the drum noise. Every five minutes, Joey throws his sticks in the air, and I have to hear, "Oh my eye! Oh god, my eye!" I mean, it is so annoying.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, thank you. You see, this is how normal people are supposed to react to drums.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, you got Joey drums to annoy Rachel, so she wouldn't wanna live there anymore?
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe on some level.
Rachel Green: Joey, y'know that you could just not throw the sticks up in the air.
Joey Tribbiani: What is Rock 'n' Roll about that?
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, Joey, I got you another present.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh wait, before you tell me what it is! Okay, what is it?
Phoebe Buffay: It's a...tarantula! Oh! God! Rachel, look, I'm sorry. What was I thinking giving Joey this big, gross, scary spider in such a poorly constructed cage?
Rachel Green: What are you talking about? I love them! Yeah, I had a tarantula when I was a kid. But it-it died, because my cat ate it. And then, then my cat died. But Joey, isn't this cool?
Joey Tribbiani: Is it on me? I feel, I feel like it's on me! I got, hey!
Rachel Green: Oh, isn't that adorable? Joey is afraid of the tarantula.
Phoebe Buffay: Ah, yeah, he's so adorable, God, he's just so much fun, Joey is the best, I'm glad you're having so much fun here.
Rachel Green: What? Wait-wait a minute, what? Phoebe, what's the matter?
Phoebe Buffay: Our apartment is ready.
Rachel Green: And that makes you angry because...
Phoebe Buffay: Because you would rather live here with Joey.
Rachel Green: Where did you get that?
Phoebe Buffay: Monica and Chandler said that you were having so much fun here. And apparently no amount of drums or tarantulas is gonna change that.
Rachel Green: Phoebe?
Phoebe Buffay: Hm?
Rachel Green: Did you get all this stuff for Joey to try and drive me out of the apartment? Honey, if you wanted to do that, you might as well just gotten him a fish, you know how fish freaked me out!
Phoebe Buffay: Fish!
Rachel Green: It wouldn't have mattered anyway, Phoebe, you and I are, are gonna live together, we're roommates; that's the deal.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, but I wanted you to want to live with me, but okay, if you're having so much fun over here...
Rachel Green: Oh, it's so much more fun with you.
Phoebe Buffay: We did have fun, didn't we?
Rachel Green: We did!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, anyway, they say, if we want, we can see it tonight.
Rachel Green: Oh, I would love to!
Phoebe Buffay: Yay, okay!
Rachel Green: Good, good, good, good, good.
Phoebe Buffay: Great, all right, okay, and Monica ask me to make the drumming stop.
Rachel Green: Um... Done!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Salesman: Hello, Sir. You're here to return those pants?
Ross Geller: No, these are my pants.
Salesman: Oh. Okay! How can I help you?
Ross Geller: Well, uh, do you have a Santa-outfit left?
Salesman: Two days before Christmas? Sorry, man.
Ross Geller: Okay look, do-do, you have anything Christmassy? I promised my son, and I really don't want to disappoint him, um, come on, I...uh, you gotta have something.
Ross Geller: I'm the holiday armadillo! I'm a friend of Santa's and he sent me here to wish you a Merry Christmas!
Monica Geller: What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo?
Ross Geller: Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas.
Monica Geller: Wow, come in, have a seat. You must be exhausted coming all the way from...Texas.
Ben Geller: Texas?
Ross Geller: That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And Mexico! But, Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben. Maybe the Lady will help me with these presents.
Ben Geller: Wow! Thanks!
Ross Geller: You're welcome, Ben. Merry Christmas, ooh, and Happy Hanukkah!
Ben Geller: Are you for Hanukkah, too? Because I'm part-Jewish.
Ross Geller: You are? Me, too!
Monica Geller: Because Armadillos also wandered in the desert?
Ross Geller: You wanna wander in the hall? Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the festival of lights?
Ben Geller: Cool!
Ross Geller: Yeah!
Monica Geller: Come on Ben.
Ross Geller: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees...
Chandler Bing: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Ben Geller: Santa!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Ross Geller: What are you doing here, Santa?
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird...turtle-man?
Ross Geller: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?
Chandler Bing: What?
Ben Geller: Did you bring me any presents, Santa?
Chandler Bing: You bet I did, Ben, put it there! Well, it would have worked this time, if his hands weren't so damn small! Ho, ho, ho!
Monica Geller: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo, and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence, I never thought I'd say.
Ross Geller: What are you doing?
Chandler Bing: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!
Ross Geller: Thank you, but, but you gotta leave.
Chandler Bing: Why?
Ross Geller: Because, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and you're-you're wrecking it.
Chandler Bing: But I didn't get to shape my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
Ross Geller: I'm sorry, Chandler but this, this is really important to me.
Chandler Bing: Fine, I'll give the suit back.
Monica Geller: Hey, you think, you can keep it another night?
Chandler Bing: Santa? Really?
Monica Geller: Yes, is that okay?
Chandler Bing: Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa?
Monica Geller: No.
Chandler Bing: Then it's okay!
Ross Geller: Okay Ben, Santa has to go. Say good-bye!
Ben Geller: No! Why does he have to go?
Chandler Bing: Because, if Santa and the Holiday...Armadillo? ...are ever in the same room for too long the universe will implode. Merry Christmas!
Ben Geller: No! Why can't the Armadillo leave? I want Santa!
Ross Geller: Fine, I-I give up. Santa, Santa can stay.
Chandler Bing: Well, I'll stay, but only because I wanna hear about Hanukkah. Ben, will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah?
Ben Geller: Okay, Santa!
Ross Geller: All right, it's time for the story of Hanukkah. Years and years ago, there were these people called the Maccabees.
Joey Tribbiani: Merry Christmas!
Rachel Green: Oh wow! Look at this place!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, this is terrible. Oh, they've made so many changes I can't even feel my grandmother's presence anymore-Ooh! New sconces!
Rachel Green: Oh my God!
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Rachel Green: Okay, remember uh, remember how you told me that your grandmother put up that wall to make that into two bedrooms?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah?
Rachel Green: And remember how you always said you were afraid the landlord would find out and then tear it down?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah?
Rachel Green: Do you really not know where I'm going with this? It left! It's one huge room!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no! Oh! Wow!!!
Rachel Green: See?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I guess we'll just have to put the wall back up.
Rachel Green: You can't, because of the new skylight!
Phoebe Buffay: There's a skylight?! Wow!!
Rachel Green: So what should we do? Should we start looking for a new place?
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know I'm-I'm sensing that um, my grandmother would not be comfortable with that.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah? Startin' to feel her again there are we?
Phoebe Buffay: A little bit, yeah.
Rachel Green: Pheebs is your grandmother maybe saying that you should live here alone?
Phoebe Buffay: You heard her too?! You have the gift!
Rachel Green: Phoebe, it's okay. I like living with Joey.
Phoebe Buffay: Are you sure?
Rachel Green: Oh please, I hate packing, it's closer to work, and we do have fun. Although, I'm really gonna miss living with you.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh me too.
Rachel Green: I know. Oh-oh, wait did you hear that-hear that? Listen, I'm gettin' something from your grandmother, she said that since you get to keep the one bedroom apartment you should give Rachel the purple chair?
Phoebe Buffay: No, I do not hear that.
Ross Geller: ...and the miracle was that that little bit of oil that should've just lasted just one day, burned for...
Ben Geller: Eight whole days.
Ross Geller: That's right, and that's why we celebrate Hanukkah today. The end.
Ben Geller: Awesome!
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Chandler Bing: My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt.
Ross Geller: The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part! Okay Ben, it's time to light the Hanukkah candles!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Rachel Green: Wow! It looks like the Easter Bunny's funeral in here.
Ross Geller: Come on, come on, we're-we're-we're lighting the candles!
Rachel Green: Oh.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I understand why Superman is here, but why is there a porcupine at the Easter Bunny's funeral?
Rachel Green: I got it!
Joey Tribbiani: Is it back in the cage?
Rachel Green: Its back in cage!
Joey Tribbiani: Cage closed?
Rachel Green: Joey, would you just come out here and stop being such a baby!


Chandler Bing: Ohh. Mmm.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Chandler Bing: Hey, you have got to try this cheesecake.
Rachel Green: Oh, y'know I'm not that much of a sweet tooth. I-Wow. My God, so creamy. Oh my God, this is the best cheesecake I have ever had. Where did you get this?
Chandler Bing: It was at the front door. When I got home. Somebody sent it to us.
Rachel Green: Chandler, this is not addressed to you. This is addressed to Mrs. Braverman downstairs. Thief.
Chandler Bing: I-no! I didn't read the box before I opened it. And you can't return a box after you've opened the box.
Rachel Green: Why, why not?
Chandler Bing: Because it's too delicious.
Rachel Green: Chandler, you stole this cheesecake. That is wrong.
Chandler Bing: No-no-no! It is going to be okay, because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send away for a free one and that way we all win! The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate, Momma's Little Bakery. I feel terrible, I'm a horrible, horrible, horrible person.
Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sorry what?
Joey Tribbiani: All right, I should get going, big day a work. Y'know I'm in a coma? Today, they do this test on me and it turns out I'm not brain dead.
Chandler Bing: So...
Joey Tribbiani: Ah-ah-ah Mr. Smartie Pants, it's just not my character that's not brain dead. Hey, so Pheebs, we still on for tonight?
Phoebe Buffay: Absolutely!
Joey Tribbiani: I'll see you at 8:00.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Oh, what's at 8:00?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I have dinner plans with Joey. We get together about once a month to discuss the rest of you guys.
Ross Geller: Wow, did not know that! May I say how lovely you look today?
Phoebe Buffay: Duly noted.
Ross Geller: Thanks. Oh! So for tomorrow, do you want to rent a car and drive down together or what?
Monica Geller: What are you talking about?
Ross Geller: Cousin Frannie's wedding, its tomorrow night.
Monica Geller: You were invited?!
Ross Geller: No.
Monica Geller: My God, I can't believe this! I mean I knew that mom and dad were invited, but I thought that was it! I mean from the ages 7 to 9 Frannie and I were inseparable!
Chandler Bing: Well, maybe since the age of 9, Frannie's made some new friends.
Ross Geller: Well l-look okay, it's probably just a mistake. Let me call Aunt Sheryl okay? Maybe you are invited and the invitation just got lost in the mail.
Monica Geller: Yeah, well you call her and tell her that y'know when we were kids her precious little Frannie tried to undress me several times, okay? And if I hadn't have stopped her, there probably wouldn't even be a wedding to go too.
Ross Geller: Y'know, she tried to undress me too.
Chandler Bing: I used to undress my cousin Glenn.
Phoebe Buffay: Joseph Francis Tribbiani are you home yet?!!
Rachel Green: Umm, I think he's still out. What's wrong?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'll tell you Rachel Karen Green, I had plans with Joey tonight and he left me this note.
Rachel Green: "Pheebs, can't make it, got a date. Talk to you later. Big Daddy." Big Daddy?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh that's a nickname we were trying out.
Ross Geller: Hey, y'know what nickname never caught on? The Ross-A-Tron!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Here's Joseph Francis!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh-Wha-Ho! What are you middle naming me for?! I left you a note!
Phoebe Buffay: So what?! That doesn't give you the right to ditch me!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you can cancel plans with friends if there is the possibility for sex!
Ross Geller: Phoebe he's right, that is the rule.
Phoebe Buffay: I don't accept this rule. When me make plans, I expect you to show up. Okay, I can't just be a way to kill time 'til you meet someone better! Y'know boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but this is for life!
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! I'm so sorry; I had no idea it would bother you this much.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, it does.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, can I-can I make it up to you? Huh? I'm sorry. How about uh, dinner tomorrow night?! I'll pay for myself!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, you wore me down.
Ross Geller: Hey Joe, while you're over there how about another beer for the Ross-A-Tron?
Joey Tribbiani: The Ross-Is that back?!!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Chandler Bing: Another cheesecake came! They delivered it to the wrong address again!
Rachel Green: So just bring it back downstairs, what's the problem?
Chandler Bing: I can't seem to say goodbye.
Rachel Green: Are you serious?! Chandler, we ate an entire cheesecake two days ago and you want more?
Chandler Bing: Well I've forgotten what it tastes like okay?!
Rachel Green: It was cheesecake. It was fine. It had a buttery, crumbly, graham cracker crust, with a very rich yet light, cream cheese filling... Wow! My whole mouth just filled with saliva!
Chandler Bing: Y'know what? Forget it! We are just hungry! We have not had lunch! We are just light-headed! So let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake.
Rachel Green: Yeah and we'll drop it off downstairs so that we're not tempted.
Chandler Bing: Good idea. Where do you want to go to lunch?
Rachel Green: Momma's Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois.
Joey Tribbiani: Awww! Mel Torme died.
Monica Geller: Joey, that paper's like a year old!
Joey Tribbiani: Aw! Does that mean the Sam Goody's sale is over?!
Ross Geller: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey.
Ross Geller: So I finally heard back from Aunt Sheryl and apparently it wasn't a mistake. Ahh, there's-there's limited seating in the hall.
Monica Geller: Limited seating?! I am just one tiny person!
Ross Geller: Well yeah, but she doesn't know that. I mean, the last time she saw you-you would've turned one of those little wedding chairs into kindling.
Monica Geller: Limited seating! Oh, that is such a lame excuse! That's not the reason she's not inviting me!
Ross Geller: Oh what's the big deal?! I wasn't even invited to the ceremony, just the reception. And-and y'know what? If it makes you feel any better, Joan and I will just make an appearance and then, and then we'll-we'll leave early as a sign of protest.
Monica Geller: Joan?
Ross Geller: Yeah, Joan Tedeski my date. She's an assistant professor in the Linguistics department. Tall, very beautiful, and despite what some people say, not broad backed!
Monica Geller: Wait a minute, you got Ross Gellar and guest?! I wasn't invited and you got "and guest?!"
Joey Tribbiani: Uh-uh, excuse me, I do have to interrupt on Ross's behalf. I-I think the rule applies here y'know, since she has a chance to get on broad back...
Ross Geller: Not broad backed!
Monica Geller: Wait a minute, y'know, you're bringing me!
Ross Geller: What? I can't cancel on Joan!
Monica Geller: Why not?!
Ross Geller: Bec-Did you not hear me?! She's an assistant professor in the Linguistics department, okay? They're wild! Why do you want to come anyway?
Monica Geller: Because! She's my cousin. I mean, we grew up together! We're family y'know? Well that's important to me.
Ross Geller: Okay, all right, I'll take you. I'll go call Joan.
Joey Tribbiani: Aww that's nice. Family should be there, huh? This is her wedding, happiest day of her life.
Monica Geller: We'll see.
Chandler Bing: Well, thank you for lunch.
Rachel Green: What? Wait a minute, I didn't pay, I thought you paid!
Chandler Bing: So apparently we just don't pay for food anymore. Do you see what I see?
Rachel Green: Its still there!
Chandler Bing: Mrs. Braverman must be out.
Rachel Green: She could be out of town. Maybe she'll be gone for months.
Chandler Bing: By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don't want her to come back to bad cheesecake.
Rachel Green: No that could kill her.
Chandler Bing: Well, we don't want that.
Rachel Green: No so we're protecting her.
Chandler Bing: But we should take it.
Rachel Green: But we should move quick.
Chandler Bing: Why?
Rachel Green: Because I think I just heard her moving around in there.
Chandler Bing: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! That's David!
Monica Geller: David who?
Phoebe Buffay: David the scientist guy, David that I was in love with, David who went to Russia and broke my heart David!
David: Oh my God!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you say someone's name enough, they turn around.
David: Phoebe?
Phoebe Buffay: David! What-what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in Russia?
David: Yeah, I'm just, I'm just in town for a conference. Umm, God you look phenomenal!
Phoebe Buffay: Well... Yeah. You look great too. Did you get a haircut?
David: Yeah. Well I-I got like thirty of them.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
David: Umm, look I-I-I got a confession to make...
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh.
David: Uh, I-I-I was hoping to run into you here. I didn't know whether I should call or not, y'know I-I was only in town for a few days. And y'know, I didn't want to intrude on your life or-or anything like that, but I-I really wanted to see you and-but I didn't know if you wanted to see me.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, of course I would want to see you. I...I think about you all the time.
David: Really? Because I think about you all the time.
Phoebe Buffay: Really?
David: I mean, there's a statue in Minsk...
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh.
David: That reminds me of you so much, I mean umm, it-it's actually of Lenin. But, y'know at certain angles...
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
David: Umm, anyway...Do you want to have dinner tonight?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes! Oh no!
David: Oh. Uh, what?
Phoebe Buffay: I can't. I can't believe I have plans, I can't. Can you do it tomorrow night though?
David: Uh no, I have to go in a few hours. I have to be on the red-eye. Well listen, y'know, next time you're in Minsk umm...
Monica Geller: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh.
Monica Geller: What are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I have plans with Joey tonight.
Monica Geller: So! He'll understand!
Phoebe Buffay: No he won't. And that's not even the point! Monica, I made a whole speech about you do not cancel plans with friends! And now y'know what? Just because, potentially, the love of my life comes back from Russia just for one night, I-I should change my beliefs?! I should change beliefs! No! No! No, if I don't have my principles, I don't have anything!
Monica Geller: God, you are so strong.
Phoebe Buffay: Or! I should rush through dinner with Joey and I can meet David at 9:00!
Rachel Green: Oh my God! That is so good!
Chandler Bing: I'm full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I'll regret it.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: What do you got there?
Rachel Green: Oh it's umm, it's tofu cake. Do you want some?
Chandler Bing: What are you doing tonight?
Joey Tribbiani: Huh? Uh...
Chandler Bing: Dude! Dude!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Sorry. Uh, I've got those plans with Phoebe, why?
Chandler Bing: Oh really? Uh, Monica said she had a date at 9:00.
Joey Tribbiani: What?! Tonight?!
Chandler Bing: That's what Monica said.
Joey Tribbiani: After she gave me that big speech?! She goes and makes a date with a guy on the same night she has plans with me? I think she's trying to pull a fast one on Big Daddy!
Ross Geller: Oh here, I think this is us. Yeah.
Monica Geller: Limited seating my ass. Let's see who made the cut. Hi!
The Wedding Guest: Hi!
Monica Geller: I'm Monica Gellar. Who do you know the bride and groom?
The Wedding Guest: Oh, I used to work with Frannie.
Monica Geller: Used to work with her. Used to! I'm a relative and I didn't get invited! A blood relative! Blood!!
Ross Geller: Stop saying, "Blood" to strangers.
Monica Geller: So, how about you huh? How do you know the happy couple?
The Second Guest: We went to college with both of them and now we live next door.
Monica Geller: Okay, you're fine.
The Waiter: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
The Waiter: Are you guys ready?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes! I will have the green salad, umm the house salad, and water's fine.
The Waiter: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
The Waiter: And for you sir?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, this slow roasted salmon, just how slow are we talkin' here?
The Waiter: It's uh, it's already been roasted.
Joey Tribbiani: Ohh, then no. Maybe I should hear those specials again.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh Joey, we've heard the specials three times! Okay? There's prime rib, mahi mahi, and a very special lobster ravioli.
The Waiter: Actually we're out of the lobster ravioli.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh well, that changes everything! Y'know what Pheebs?
Phoebe Buffay: Huh?
Joey Tribbiani: You were right before. I mean, friends are so important.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I'm very wise. I know.
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know-y'know what I really want?
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Is to have a long, long talk. Y'know? Get Joey out on the open road and really open him up.
The Waiter: Any progress?
Joey Tribbiani: Yes! I will have the lobster ravioli.
Phoebe Buffay: God Joey, this is taking forever!
Joey Tribbiani: What's the rush? What?
Phoebe Buffay: W-w-I just-it's that-I have-y'know I have-I have an appointment. And it's very important.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-whoa, what is it?
Phoebe Buffay: Well... It's a date.
Joey Tribbiani: A date?! No, no Pheebs you-you must be mistaken, because I know you wouldn't schedule a date on the same night you have plans with a friend!
Phoebe Buffay: Come on Joey, don't make me feel badly about this.
Joey Tribbiani: No, I'm gonna!! That's right! Yeah, you made me feel really guilty about goin' out with that girl! Like-like-like I did something terrible to you! And now Pheebs, you're doing the same thing!
Phoebe Buffay: That-It's not the same thing! This is totally different! This is with David! Remember David, the scientist guy? Okay, he's very special to me.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, well my girl from the other night was special. She was a scientist too!
Phoebe Buffay: She was?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, she graduated from high school!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, whatever. Y'know what? I don't have time have time to convince you because he's only here for four hours, and I'm gonna go see him!
Joey Tribbiani: Fine!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah!
Joey Tribbiani: Fine!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah!
Joey Tribbiani: What are you still doin' here?! I told you, lobster ravioli!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
David: Hey! Oh, I was just about to leave. I-I-I-I didn't think you were coming.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I wouldn't miss this.
David: Well, I'm very glad you're here.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you're such a gentleman. Come on! We're going to my place!
Chandler Bing: Are you eating the cheesecake without me?!
Rachel Green: Mm-mmm.
Chandler Bing: I will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now. How can you eat the cheesecake without me?!
Rachel Green: Oh, what are you going to do?! Are you gonna go run tell Monica?! Are you gonna tell Joey?! No! Because then you will have to tell them what we did! We are desert stealers! We are living outside the law!
Chandler Bing: Y'know what? I don't trust you with this cake anymore! And I got it first, and I'm takin' it back!
Rachel Green: What?! What?!
Chandler Bing: Oh yes!
Rachel Green: Wait a minute!
Chandler Bing: Oh yes!
Rachel Green: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no you don't!
Chandler Bing: Oh yes! Oh yes!
Rachel Green: You think I trust you with it?! No! We're gonna split it! You take half and I take half!
Chandler Bing: Well that's not fair, you've already had some!
Rachel Green: What? Oh, well then y'know what? I think Monica would be very interested to know that you called her cheesecake dry and mealy.
Chandler Bing: What do we use to split it?
Rachel Green: Okay! All right, pick a half.
Chandler Bing: Okay well, this side looks bigger. Uh... There's more crust on this side. Y'know? So, maybe if I measured...
Rachel Green: Oh for God sake just pick a piece!
Chandler Bing: All right, I'll pick that one.
Rachel Green: That's also the smaller piece. Okay, there you go. Enjoy your half my friend, but that is it. No sharing. No switching, and don't come crying to me if you eat your piece to fast. Oh!!!!
Chandler Bing: Ohhh!
Rachel Green: Okay, you gotta give me some of your piece.
Chandler Bing: Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching! No sharing, and don't come crying to me! Ha-ha-ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day! Just sit here in the hallway and eat my...
The Woman: Ross, sweetheart!
Ross Geller: Oh, hey Aunt Millie.
Aunt Millie: Isn't it a beautiful wedding?!
Ross Geller: Yes, yes it is. It's uh... Every time on the lips! Why?! Why on lips?!
Monica Geller: Here's Frannie. Hmm, won't she be happy to see me?
Ross Geller: Now wait a minute, you be nice! All right? I didn't bring you here so you can ambush her.
Monica Geller: Frannie was the one who found your Playboys and showed them to mom.
Ross Geller: That bitch!
Franny: Monica! What...
Monica Geller: Am I doing here? Why? Surprised to see me? Ross brought me. How do you like that?!
Ross Geller: Hi Frannie, congratulations.
Monica Geller: You invite my brother, you invite my whole family, and not me?! Why?! What-Why wouldn't you want me at your wedding? What could I have possibly done?! Stuart!
Franny: I believe you know my husband.
Ross Geller: So it's really a question of who could you have possibly done.
David: Oh, I hate this but I-I-I have to go. I-I can't miss my flight.
Phoebe Buffay: Are you sure? I'll bet there's another flight to Minsk in like...
David: July. Umm,
Phoebe Buffay: That's really beautiful. What does it mean?
David: Please, clean my beakers. I don't get out of the lab much.
Phoebe Buffay: That's good. I got to admit, I thought it was something else.
David: Yeah, I... Well I really actually wanted to say umm, that, but um, I figured I probably shouldn't because y'know, I...have to leave.
Phoebe Buffay: You're right! You're right. Don't say it.
David: I-I do though.
Phoebe Buffay: I do too.
David: Bye Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, now's not the time Joey. All right? You can yell at me tomorrow.
Joey Tribbiani: No! No! No Pheebs, I'm not gonna yell at you. I just y'know, started thinking about you and David and I...remember how bummed you were the first time he left. And I just... Oh Pheebs, come here. Are you okay?
Phoebe Buffay: No I'm not okay. The only guy I've ever been crazy about has gone to Minsk and I may never...I may never see him again.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, y'know you could always visit him.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh right, like they're gonna let me have a passport.
Joey Tribbiani: Anything I can do? Whatever you need.
Phoebe Buffay: Well-But-Now, if-if you can achieve positronic distillation of sub-atomic particles y'know before he does, then he can come back.
Joey Tribbiani: I can give it a shot.
Rachel Green: Oh! Yay! Look! There's a piece that doesn't have floor on it!
Chandler Bing: Stick to your side!
Rachel Green: Hey, come on now!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, what are we havin'?
Monica Geller: Oh wait I forgot my wrap.
Ross Geller: What? Oh, okay. Wait here.
Aunt Millie: Hi sweetie! Are you leaving?
Ross Geller: Well...
Aunt Millie: Give us a kiss. Come on! Come on!
Ross Geller: Why?! Why on the lips?!


Monica Geller: Ross, when's this comet thing start?
Ross Geller: Well, technically it seven billion years ago...
Everyone: Oh no! Oh no!
Ross Geller: Okay! Okay! Fine, I'll stop! No teaching, okay? We'll just watch the pretty light streaking across the sky. Okay? Who's official name is Bapstein-King.
Everyone: Okay! Okay!
Phoebe Buffay: There it is! Oh, look at that! Isn't Mother Nature amazing?
Chandler Bing: That's a plane!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, all right. 1700 bags of peanuts flying that high, that's pretty amazing too.
Tag Jones: Hey, I wonder if you can see my apartment from up here.
Rachel Green: No. No, you can't.
Tag Jones: What?
Rachel Green: Oh I don't-I don't know.
Ross Geller: Man, look at all those stars! Infinite space. It really, really makes you wonder, doesn't it?
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know what else makes you wonder?
Ross Geller: Huh?
Joey Tribbiani: Check out the rack on this chick!
Monica Geller: Okay, we've been out here for two hours and we haven't seen any stupid comets. Can we go now? I mean, Chandler's getting chilly.
Chandler Bing: No, I'm not!
Joey Tribbiani: Then why are you wearing Monica's jacket?
Chandler Bing: Because it's flattering! Come on Monica! Come on Monica!
Rachel Green: Yeah actually, I think we're gonna take off too. We rented a movie.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! I won't say, 'no' to a movie!
Rachel Green: Uh Pheebs, we just actually kinda wanted to be alone.
Phoebe Buffay: Shh! Get me out of here.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Joey Tribbiani: Ross!
Ross Geller: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Come here, check this out!
Ross Geller: What? Is it the comet?
Joey Tribbiani: No! No-no. Look, there's a bug stuck in tar right here.
Ross Geller: Joey come-I can't believe-I bring you here to see the Bapstein-King comet, one of nature's most spectacular phenomenon, and all you care about are bugs stuck in tar and-and some woman!
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know, there's two women dude.
Ross Geller: Show me where?
Joey Tribbiani: Right-right up here.
Ross Geller: Joey where's the pipe that was holding the door open?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know! Yeah, I do.
Ross Geller: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: What?! All right-Hey! Don't look at me! You're the one who wanted to come up and look for some stupid Burger King comet!
Ross Geller: It's called the Bapstein-King comet, okay? Hey! Hey! Bapstein was a very well respected astronomer!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh no! No! No!
Chandler Bing: Monica!
Monica Geller: She's sleeping.
Chandler Bing: I know, just quick-quick question, quick question. Which one was Deep Impact and which one was Armageddon?
Monica Geller: Deep Impact was the one with Robert Duval, Armageddon is what's going to happen to you if you wake me up.
Chandler Bing: Sorry, I just...can't sleep. Ooh! Where is that book that you are reading with the two women who were ice-skating and wearing, wearing those hats with the flowers on it? Because every time I look at that cover I'm like...
Monica Geller: It is in the living room where there is also a light! And no one will kick you in the shin.
Chandler Bing: What?! Ow!
Phoebe Buffay: Please don't be a space ship. Please don't be a space ship. Oh thank God! How could you be beeping?! I just disconnected you! I took out your battery! How can...
Smoke Detector: Beep!
Phoebe Buffay: Don't interrupt me!!
Ross Geller: Rachel!! Monica!!
Joey Tribbiani: Come on!
Ross Geller: I can't believe this!!
Joey Tribbiani: All right well, y'know...I guess we know what we have to do to get down.
Ross Geller: Yeah, I guess we don't have a choice. Help us! Please help us! We're stuck up on the roof and we can't get down!!!
Joey Tribbiani: Ross. I was thinking we could just go down the fire escape.
Ross Geller: I know, I wasn't finished. But don't worry! We're gonna go down the fire escape!!
Chandler Bing: Shhhhhhhhh!!! I'm sorry, I thought maybe I'd make some warm milk and it would help me sleep.
Monica Geller: With a wok? I thought you were going to read my boring book to put you asleep.
Chandler Bing: It got interesting! Damn you Oprah!
Monica Geller: Here, let me make the milk, I'm up anyway.
Chandler Bing: Hey, y'know what we can do? Y'know, now that we are up? We can just like talk to each other all night long, y'know like we did when we were first going out. It'd be fun!
Monica Geller: Okay that does sound like fun.
Chandler Bing: Okay, so how bummed were you when the second sister died huh?
Monica Geller: The second sister dies?!
Chandler Bing: No. No, I-I was, I was talking about the book I was reading.
Monica Geller: The second sister dies in Archie and Jughead Double Digest?
Chandler Bing: That's correct.
Rachel Green: You wanna go in the bedroom? It's a little more comfortable.
Tag Jones: Sure.
Rachel Green: Okay. Oh wait! Umm, did you send those contracts to Milan?
Tag Jones: If this is your idea of sexy talk?
Rachel Green: No seriously, y'know the contracts I gave you, did you overnight them?
Tag Jones: What contracts?
Rachel Green: Okay please tell me that this is just one of your jokes that you do that I don't get.
Tag Jones: Like what?
Rachel Green: Y'know, like the thing when you put the phone in your pants? Tag! I'm serious! This isn't funny! Those contracts absolutely had to go out today!
Tag Jones: Rach, I'm sorry, but you didn't give me any contracts!
Rachel Green: Yes I did! And I put a little Post-It on it that said, "Must go out today," and underlined today three times and, and then I put a little heart in the corner because I didn't want to seem to bossy.
Tag Jones: I'm telling you, you never gave them to me.
Rachel Green: Y'know what Tag, if we went down to the office you would see those contracts sitting on your desk.
Tag Jones: No, I would see you looking embarrassed because they are not on my desk!
Rachel Green: Or maybe you would see me looking embarrassed because you are talking on the phone with your crotch!
Tag Jones: You wanna go down to the office right now?
Rachel Green: No! Come on its late, we're not gonna go down to the office.
Tag Jones: Okay I understand. I wouldn't want to be proved wrong either.
Rachel Green: Okay get your coat! Oh! When did you unhook this? Nice work!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, it won't go down any further. It's stuck.
Ross Geller: Ugh. Well, we're just gonna have to jump. Yeah. Now, we're gonna have to make sure to land to the right of that patch of ice, okay? Not hit the dumpster on the other side and uh, and try to avoid that-that weird brownish red stuff in the middle. So, when you get down there...you go up to the roof and you let me in.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh whoa-whoa wait a minute! I have to do it?!
Ross Geller: Yeah! Oh yeah, you'll be fine! It-it'll be uh, just like bungy jumping. Y'know? But instead of bouncing back up you-you won't.
Joey Tribbiani: What if I smack my head on the concrete?
Ross Geller: Well, I'm gonna lie to you Joey, it's a possibility.
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know Ross! I-I tell you what, let's flip to see who does it, okay? You-you call it in the air, all right?
Ross Geller: Oh, all right. Tails! Can you-can you see what it is?
Joey Tribbiani: No.
Ross Geller: Okay. Well, you be careful.
Joey Tribbiani: What? No! No Ross! No-no! Stop! I'm not jumping! Okay, look I have an audition tomorrow and I can't go if I break my leg.
Ross Geller: Well I'm jumping! I have a son! Okay? He won't have a father if-if I die!
Joey Tribbiani: Well all right so, it looks like we're even!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. So, this wire is connected to this wire which plugs into here. Okay so, to get the beeping to stop all I have to do... Well done, Pheebs. What do you want from me?!!!!!!!
Monica Geller: Okay, here's your milk. What do you want to talk about?
Chandler Bing: What? What? What?
Monica Geller: Ohh! Ohhhh! Were you sleeping sweetie? I'm sorry. Here.
Tag Jones: Okay! Feel free to look, but I'm telling you those contracts are not on this desk.
Rachel Green: Oh how can you possibly know? Look at this mess, Tag! I mean, this is what I'm talking about! You have to be organized! You've got newspapers! You've got magazines! You got-Ohh! And who is this chippy? A little young for you Tag, but whatever.
Tag Jones: It's my sister.
Rachel Green: Okay, very cute braces. Anyway y'know what, the point is Tag, start looking because you are going to find those contracts on your desk.
Tag Jones: So when do you imagine you gave them to me? In the morning or in the afternoon?
Rachel Green: In the afternoon. Mr. Zelner came into my office after lunch. He put them on my desk, and then I put a Post-It on it that said, "Must go out today." So you just keep looking in there! All right?
Tag Jones: It's not here.
Rachel Green: Puzzler. A bit of a puzzle. Why don't you um, check the copy room, maybe you left the contracts in there?
Tag Jones: How could I have left them in the copy room?
Rachel Green: I don't know Tag! How can your genitals make phone calls? Okay? It's not a perfect world! Just go please.
Tag Jones: Fine.
Rachel Green: Thank you. Hello? I still don't get it.
Monica Geller: Are you still awake?
Chandler Bing: Yeah! You?
Monica Geller: You do know that was me who just said that right? Hey. As long as we're both up...
Chandler Bing: Yeah? I hope you're not thinking about cleaning the living room.
Joey Tribbiani: Man, I'm starving! What the hell was I thinking at dinner?! "Do you want soup or salad?" Both! Always order both!
Ross Geller: Y'know, y'know I'm lookin' and I don't think anyone's home here. I say we just break the window, crawl through, and-and y'know explain later.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah? Really? No one's home?
Ross Geller: I don't think so. Hello? When you get in there...
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, this is where you and I part ways. Noisy bitch!
Monica Geller: What?! What are you doing?!
Chandler Bing: Do you know what just happened?
Monica Geller: Yeah. We-we had sex and then we fell asleep.
Chandler Bing: No. We were in the middle of sex...and you fell asleep.
Monica Geller: Nooo! No, that's not true. No, best time ever! Yeah, you rocked me world!
Chandler Bing: Monica?
Monica Geller: What?!
Chandler Bing: I was giving you some of my best moves, and you missed it. So please wake up so we can do it right!
Monica Geller: Okay. Okay, I'm ready. Come on big fella!
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: Give me the good stuff.
Chandler Bing: Yeah! No! No! No! Don't fall asleep! Okay, I am going to make you some coffee. And I probably won't spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor.
Monica Geller: Okay, I'm up! I'm up!
Rachel Green: Hi! I got you some coffee. To, uh... ...fair enough. So! Do you got anything for me?
Tag Jones: Still no luck.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Did you check your entire desk! Did you check all the drawers!
Tag Jones: Do you want me to check again?
Rachel Green: Well yeah, I wish that you would. Well, no it's not in there! How about that drawer?
Tag Jones: Well, it's not out here. Is there any chance it could be in your office?
Rachel Green: Y'know, I don't-I don't know. Let me, let me check.
Tag Jones: Any luck?
Rachel Green: Can I see you in my office for a minute?
Tag Jones: Yeah? You found them!! Y'know what? I'm not even going to gloat. I'm just really relived this whole thing is over.
Rachel Green: You put these on my desk!
Tag Jones: I did not!
Rachel Green: Oh really? So you're saying they just slid out of your bottom drawer, crawled across the floor, then jumped on to my desk?!
Tag Jones: How did you know they were in my bottom drawer?
Rachel Green: I am so hot for you right now.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! How did you get back here?!
A Disembodied Voice: Phoebe Buffay?!
Phoebe Buffay: Fire alarm? Oh! Hi, officer-fireman, can-can I help you?
The Fireman: We found your fire alarm in the trash chute.
Phoebe Buffay: That's not mine.
The Fireman: Yes it is.
Phoebe Buffay: How do you know?
The Fireman: The next time you want to dump a fire alarm in a trash chute, don't wrap it in a blanket that says, "Property of Phoebe Buffay not Monica."
Phoebe Buffay: Okay do you-Okay, do you have a search warrant? Because the last time I checked this was still America!
The Fireman: Please reattach this, it's against the law to disconnect them.
Phoebe Buffay: Fine! But please God; tell me how to stop them from going off!
The Fireman: There's a reset button under the plastic cover.
Phoebe Buffay: There's a reset button?! Ugh, thank you! Thank you! There's a reset button! My God! Why didn't I see that! Reset button, reset button, where is there a reset button? Oh here it is! Oh! Ohh, God!
Ross Geller: Okay, do-do you have a good grip?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!
Ross Geller: Okay, I'm going to start climb down you now.
Joey Tribbiani: All right! Just hurry up!
Ross Geller: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we're face to face or-or should I climb down your back so we're-we're butt to face.
Joey Tribbiani: I think face to face.
Ross Geller: I would say that.
Joey Tribbiani: Face to face, yeah!
Ross Geller: Okay, here I go.
Joey Tribbiani: All right.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my... How much do you weigh Ross?!
Ross Geller: I prefer not to answer that right now, I'm still carrying a little holiday weight.
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know, when we talked about face to face, I don't think we thought it all the way through.
Ross Geller: So what do you want me to do?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, just shimmy down me and drop!
Ross Geller: Hi.
Joey Tribbiani: Hi.
Ross Geller: M-maybe I should hang and you can climb down me.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah? Maybe we should talk about that for a little while!
Ross Geller: It's still looks pretty far!
Joey Tribbiani: It's not that far! Just drop!
Ross Geller: Do not rush me!!
Joey Tribbiani: Ross, you should know that my pants are startin' to come down and I'm not wearing any underwear!
Ross Geller: Oww!! My ankle! I really hurt my ankle! I think I twisted it when I-Ooh, a quarter!
Monica Geller: That really was some of your best work.
Chandler Bing: Hm-hmm, I told you! I can't believe that I've only got two hours before I call in sick for work.
Monica Geller: I have to be up in seven minutes.
Chandler Bing: Well, you're not gonna believe this, but if you have seven minutes...
Monica Geller: Really?!
Chandler Bing: Do you wanna?
Monica Geller: Okay! You get the vacuum cleaner and I'll get the furniture polish!


Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: What are you doing?
Rachel Green: Well, y'know I was thinking of moving the couch over here.
Joey Tribbiani: Why would you want to do that?
Rachel Green: So that there will be a decent place for me to sit.
Joey Tribbiani: Rach, there is a decent place to...
Rachel Green: And your lap does not count! Okay? Come on help me move this.
Joey Tribbiani: No. No. No.
Rachel Green: No?
Joey Tribbiani: No. Rosita does not move.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry, Rosita? As in...
Joey Tribbiani: As in Rosita does not move.
Rachel Green: Joey, it's just a chair! What's the big deal?
Joey Tribbiani: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it's at the perfect angle so you don't get any glare coming of off Stevie.
Rachel Green: Stevie the TV?
Joey Tribbiani: Is there a problem?
Rachel Green: No! Oh what does he know! Come on Rosita, us chichas got to stick together! You bitch!
Ross Geller: Hey, y'know what's weird? After you guys get married, when you introduce me to people you're gonna have to say, "This is my brother-in-law Ross." Not, "My friend Ross," "brother-in-law Ross." That's weird isn't it?
Chandler Bing: Couldn't I just say, "This is Ross?"
Ross Geller: Sure, do whatever you want.
Monica Geller: Hey Ross! So, I was checking out the uh, real estate section...
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Monica Geller: Look at this.
Ross Geller: Oh, it looks like mom and dad's house. Oh, it even has a tree with a broken limb out front and the uh, the window in the attic is...Oh my God!!
Phoebe Buffay: What? What happened to the window in the attic?!
Monica Geller: I can't believe mom and dad are selling the house!
Ross Geller: I can't believe they-they didn't even tell us!
Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe I still don't know what happened to the window in the attic!
Ross Geller: Uh, hello dad! Monica and I just saw the house in the paper! Yes we're surprised! Who did you leave a message with?
Chandler Bing: Sorry!
Rachel Green: Joey, Joey I am so sorry.
Joey Tribbiani: I told you not to move it! Rach, how would you feel if say, I wanted to move you mom, and you said don't, and I did it anyway and her head fell off?
Rachel Green: Okay, come on-Joey, I'll buy you a new one! All right? We'll go down to the store right now and we'll-we'll get you a new chair.
Joey Tribbiani: She's not even cold yet!
Rachel Green: But don't you think Rosita would've wanted you to move on? I mean y'know, she did always put...your comfort first.
Joey Tribbiani: That's true.
Rachel Green: Okay? You ready?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I... I don't want Stevie to see her like this.
Ross Geller: I can't believe we have to say goodbye to the house we grew up in. Man, some-some stranger's gonna be living in my room.
Monica Geller: Well, after 15 years of mom and dad keeping it as a shrine to you, it's time the velvet ropes came down.
Ross Geller: They kept your room for a while.
Monica Geller: Oh please! Dad turned my room into a gym 20 minutes after I moved out! I gotta say, a tanning bed and a stack of Victoria's Secret catalogues, not a gym!
Ross Geller: Come on, you know they love you.
Monica Geller: As much as they love you?
Ross Geller: I was their first born! They thought she was barren! It's not my fault.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Ugh, I hate this year!
Ross Geller: What's wrong with this year?
Phoebe Buffay: Well okay, it's already February and I've only given two massages and they were both the worst tippers in the world!
Monica Geller: That was me and Ross.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh that's right!
Ross Geller: Hey, y'know if you want to pick up some extra cash? Some friends of mine made good money doing telemarketing.
Monica Geller: Oh that's a great idea. You're really good on the phone.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah and yeah, and it would probably be better than the last telephone job I had. Y'know, I probably wouldn't have to say spank as much.
Ross Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, like you never called!
Supervisor: So basically this is very easy. You read from the script and try to sell as much toner as you possibly can.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I can do that! Oh, by the way, I love my office.
Supervisor: Why don't we do a trial run.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh okay. Umm, all right. Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please?
Supervisor: I'm the supply manager.
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, okay I would like to talk to you about your toner needs.
Supervisor: We don't need any toner.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh okay, well I'm sorry to bother you. Bye-bye. Yeah you're right, this is easy.
Supervisor: Okay, what was wrong with that call?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh well, all right...um, no offense, but you were kind of rude.
Supervisor: They're always going to tell you they don't need toner, but that's okay because whatever they say, you can find the answer to it here in this script.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Supervisor: So, I think you're ready to sell toner, do you have any last questions?
Phoebe Buffay: No. Oh wait yes! I do, I do have one question. What is toner?
Chandler Bing: Joey! Joe! Full bag. Beer's still cold. Something terrible must've happened here! Oh no-no-no-no-no-no! Stevie, I was never here!
Ross Geller: Dad?
Jack Geller: I'm here!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Jack Geller: Hi. God, it seems like just yesterday you guys used to come out to watch me work.
Ross Geller: Dad, we-we can't believe you're selling the house.
Jack Geller: Well, it's time for a new family to start their memories here and hopefully their check will clear before they find the crack in the foundation and the asbestos in the ceiling.
Ross Geller: Let's grab our stuff and get the hell out of here.
Jack Geller: I'm sorry we can't store your childhood things anymore.
Monica Geller: Oh, that's okay, I can't wait to see everything again! All of the memories...
Jack Geller: Well, I don't know what's in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic.
Monica Geller: I used to love to play restaurant.
Ross Geller: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to play uncooked batter eater.
Monica Geller: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies!
Jack Geller: So, I think you're boxes are over here.
Ross Geller: Wow! Great! Wait, dad who-who's cigarettes are these?
Jack Geller: I don't know. They-they must be your mother's, but please, please don't ask her. I'll throw these away.
Ross Geller: Cool! Dad! My report cards! Hey, check this out dad, Math, A. Science, A. History, A. Gym... Oooh, my rock polisher!
Jack Geller: Oh look, look there's your old makeup kit!
Ross Geller: It's a clown kit! Clown kit!
Jack Geller: Well, the white seems to be untouched. Uh-oh.
Ross Geller: What?
Jack Geller: Y'know how the garage floods every Spring?
Ross Geller: How are you ever going to sell this place?
Jack Geller: I think I accidentally used Monica's boxes to keep the water away from the Porsche.
Ross Geller: Oh no. Dad! Dad! What... Oh God...everything's ruined! Dad, she's gonna be crushed!
Jack Geller: You don't secretly smoke do you?
Ross Geller: No!
Jack Geller: So it's just your mother then.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi, this Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please? Earl, thanks. Hi Earl, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies I'd like to talk to you about your toner needs.
Earl: I don't need any toner.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm hearing what you're saying, but at our prices everyone needs toner.
Earl: Not me.
Phoebe Buffay: May I ask why?
Earl: You wanna know why. You wanna know why?
Phoebe Buffay: I surely do!
Earl: Okay, I don't need any toner because I'm going to kill myself.
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, is-is that because you're out of toner?
Earl: Okay, so...no toner today. Thanks anyway, bye-bye.
Phoebe Buffay: No-no wait-wait! I can't just let you hang up! Just please talk to me.
Earl: Well...I Only Have One Thing To Do Today. I guess I could push it back.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Now, why do you want to kill yourself?
Earl: It's just that I uh, have been working for ten years now at this meaningless, dead-end job and nobody here even knows I exist!
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler?
Earl: I-I'm sorry?
Phoebe Buffay: No look, I-I'm sure that people know you exist!
Earl: Oh yeah? I work in a cubicle surrounded by people. I've been talking to you for five minutes now about killing myself and no one's even looked up from their desk. Hang-hang on. Hey everybody! Uh, I'm gonna kill myself! I'll get back to ya. I got nothing. Wait. Uh, hey Marge! Ehh, nothing. Nothing.
Chandler Bing: My chair. Now, if anybody asks, your name is Rosita!
Rachel Green: You will like it!
Joey Tribbiani: No I won't.
Rachel Green: You don't even know!
Joey Tribbiani: Because, I know what I like and what I don't like! It's not the same thing!
Rachel Green: Well look, if you don't like this...
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know why you say that so soon.
Rachel Green: Come on Joey, I just bought you a new chair! The most expensive one in the store! Hey, y'know what I was thinking? We could name her Francette.
Joey Tribbiani: Francette? What is she? A couch?
Joey Tribbiani: Poor thing. Cut down in her prime.
Rachel Green: Joey, the new chair will be here in an hour. Maybe we should actually move Rosita out of here. Y'know, start the heeling process?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I guess you're right. Maybe, maybe I'll take her down to the incinerator. It's gonna be so said, and kinda cool. She's heeled!
Rachel Green: That's weird.
Joey Tribbiani: No it's not weird, it's a miracle!
Rachel Green: It's not a miracle Joey! I'm sure there's some explanation.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh there is! If you want something enough and your heart is pure, wondrous things can happen!
Rachel Green: Joey, I really don't...
Joey Tribbiani: Can you tell me how this happened?
Rachel Green: Well no.
Joey Tribbiani: Miracle!
Rachel Green: No, y'know what? Maybe somebody came in here and fixed it! Or something!
Joey Tribbiani: Someone like an...angel?
Rachel Green: That's right Joey, the chair angel came in and heeled your chair.
Joey Tribbiani: Get your non-believer ass outta my chair!
Jack Geller: Well, she'll understand right? It's not like I did it on purpose.
Ross Geller: Dad that won't matter to her. Look, all my stuff is safe and dry and all her is-is, is growing new stuff! See, this is exactly the kind of thing that makes her think you guys love me more than you love her.
Jack Geller: Oh my God, does she really thinks that?
Ross Geller: Well, can you blame her?
Jack Geller: Well I don't know, I-I suppose we may have favored you unconsciously, you were a medical marvel! The doctor said your mother could...
Ross Geller: Dad, dad I don't want to hear about it.
Jack Geller: Really?
Ross Geller: Well, not right now. Okay look, Monica came here for some memories and damnit, we're gonna give her some! Okay, grab...grab some empty boxes. Okay? We'll-we'll take stuff from mine and whatever we can pass off as hers we'll-we'll put 'em in their.
Jack Geller: Great!
Ross Geller: Like uh y'know like this! This! She-she could've made this!
Jack Geller: Sure!
Ross Geller: Right? And this! She-she could've won this!
Jack Geller: This could've been hers!
Ross Geller: Sure! Ooh-ooh, what about this?
Jack Geller: Your make-up kit? I'd feel better.
Rachel Green: I am so psyched I kept this chair for myself!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, me too.
Rachel Green: Hey, how's...how's the uh, miracle chair?
Joey Tribbiani: Fine.
Rachel Green: Yeah? Wow! Y'know, that this thing has speakers in the headrest!
Joey Tribbiani: No. Really?
Rachel Green: Yeah! You can hook it up to your TV and you get radio!
Joey Tribbiani: My chair heels itself.
Phoebe Buffay: Earl, you're not hearing me! All I'm saying is that you're not alone all right? Everybody hates the people they work with!
Guy: Hey guy!
Phoebe Buffay: Wait, what was that? That sounded like someone being nice to you.
Earl: No! That's just the "Hey Guy" guy. He says that to everybody! He's the worst! I'd like to take him with me!
Phoebe Buffay: All right so Earl, let's just forget about the people at the office, okay? There-there's gotta be someone else in your life worth sticking around for! What about-what about your family, your friends, or maybe your girlfriend?
Earl: Yeah! Right!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh sorry, boyfriend!
Earl: Oh no.
Phoebe Buffay: No, whatever! Anything!
The "Hey Guy" Guy: Hey guy!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, he's gotta go.
Earl: Okay, I should, I should probably be getting back to my thing now. See ya.
Phoebe Buffay: No! I'm not finished yet! Don't! Don't you dare hang up on me!!!
Supervisor: The new girl's good.
Monica Geller: Hey guys! Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey, I just whipped us up some Easy Bake treats, they should be ready in about three days.
Jack Geller: That's a good one! Do you hear that Ross? Three days!
Ross Geller: Yeah! Yeah! Oh, this will make a great memory.
Monica Geller: Okay. So, which boxes are mine?
Ross Geller: Well, these. These are yours right here.
Monica Geller: Okay. Oh! A coloring book!
Ross Geller: Yeah. Yeah, oh you loved that thing. You always had it with you. You never went anywhere without-without that coloring book.
Monica Geller: Really? Wow! It looks like I had some trouble staying inside the lines.
Ross Geller: Nu-uh!
Monica Geller: Oh, an old glove?
Jack Geller: Oh, yeah you loved that glove! You took it every place you went. You never went any place without that glove.
Monica Geller: Wow! Look At This! I Can'T Believe I Even Fit Into This Shirt! Oh, this is yours.
Ross Geller: Oh, I don't know how that got in there.
Monica Geller: This isn't mine. Hey, this isn't, this isn't my stuff! Ugh, Ross! These are your boxes! Where are my boxes?
Ross Geller: Umm, your boxes are umm...
Monica Geller: What?
Ross Geller: Dad?
Jack Geller: Well, the garage flooded sweetie and it ruined everything in your boxes. I'm sorry.
Monica Geller: Just mine?
Jack Geller: I'm afraid so.
Monica Geller: So why-why wasn't Ross's stuff ruined? And if you say the words medical marvel I'm going to Easy Bake your head!
Jack Geller: Well, I used your boxes to divert water away from the Porsche.
Monica Geller: So wait, Ross's stuff is fine, but I have no memories because you wanted to keep the bottom two inches of your car away from water!!!
Jack Geller: There was also leaves and guk and stuff.
Monica Geller: I can't believe this!
Jack Geller: Screw it! I'm having one.
Rachel Green: Hey Chandler!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Rachel Green: How would you like to sit in a chair that fully reclines, has a rolling massage, and speakers in the head rest?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I'd love to but I've tried that so many times they won't even let me in the store anymore.
Rachel Green: Well what if I told you, you can do it in my apartment?
Chandler Bing: Are you telling me that you bought the chair that is making all other lounge systems obsolete? The chair that Sit magazine called the Chair of the Year?
Rachel Green: I just purchased the La-Z-Boy E-cliner 3000.
Chandler Bing: That's awesome! That's great! What made you do it?!
Rachel Green: Well, it's a long story, but umm I broke Joey's chair...
Chandler Bing: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You broke Joey's chair?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: I thought I broke Joey's chair! That's why I replaced it with mine!
Rachel Green: Ohhhhh. That's how it got fixed!
Chandler Bing: Well, what did you think, that-that elves came in and fixed it?
Rachel Green: Noo! Angels.
Chandler Bing: I'm gettin' my chair back!
Rachel Green: What? Wh-hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, it looks like it wasn't heeled after all! Yeah! So, I guess this chair is mine now!
Chandler Bing: Joey you broke my chair!!
Joey Tribbiani: Your chair?!
Rachel Green: Yeah, he thought he broke your chair so he switched the chairs!
Joey Tribbiani: So, there was no miracle?!
Rachel Green: No Joe, no miracle.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh no this is devastating! My faith is shaken. I'm so glad I have the new chair to get my through this difficult time in my life.
Rachel Green: Uh-huh! Nice try, but you don't get that chair anymore! All right? That is my chair now! You can sit on my lap! No I take that back!
Chandler Bing: I think I should get the chair!
Joey Tribbiani: How do you figure?
Chandler Bing: Because you broke a chair and you broke a chair! The only one around here that hasn't broke a chair, is me!
Rachel Green: No-no-no! This chair's not going anywhere.
Chandler Bing: Well, where's the logic in that?!
Rachel Green: The logic is, that there are two of us and we are both strong enough to break a chair in half!
Chandler Bing: So Joey breaks my chair and I get nothing!
Joey Tribbiani: That's right!
Chandler Bing: What are you guys? Like a gang or something?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! We are!
Rachel Green: We're the Cobras!
Phoebe Buffay: Excuse me! Can you tell me where I can find Earl? He's the supply manager around here.
Marge: Sorry, I don't know any Earl.
Earl: I'm right here!!!!
Phoebe Buffay: Earl! I'm Phoebe.
Earl: Phoebe? The lady who sells toner?
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, look it, you-you can't kill yourself.
Earl: Look, um I really appreciate your coming down...
Phoebe Buffay: No-no I can't! I can't let you do it!
Earl: Why?!
Phoebe Buffay: Because it was fate that made me call you today!
Earl: I thought it was toner.
Phoebe Buffay: No! Think about it okay? This isn't even my regular job! Okay? And my first day on the job, you're my first call! And-and somebody else might've hung up on you, but I wouldn't do that because I know about this stuff. My mom killed herself.
Earl: Really?!
Phoebe Buffay: Yes.
Earl: How?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm not gonna give you tips! Look don't you see that this-this...this all came together so that I could stop you from doing this.
Earl: Couldn't it just be a coincidence?
Phoebe Buffay: No, it's fate!
Earl: It doesn't really seem like enough to be fate.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Well umm, okay here's a weird thing. My mother was also a supply manager.
Earl: I'm actually the office manager.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! So was she! And! Get this, okay? Your-your name is Earl, right? Her name was Pearl, P-Earl.
Earl: Well, was there anything else?!
Phoebe Buffay: Sure! Umm, where are you from?
Earl: Philadelphia.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! So was she! Oh, I've got-I've got goose bumps.
Earl: Really?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, y'know I'm wearing layers and it's warm.
Earl: Yeah-yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: But if-no look, okay. These jerks might not care about you, but the universe does! And that says a lot!
Earl: Did you hear that?! I don't need you guys to care about me! Because the universe cares! The whole universe! I really wished they'd care just a little bit though.
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, I don't-I don't think it's you. This is a freaky place. Hey! Guys! Oh no, it's you.
Earl: Yeah.
Monica Geller: Oh, this terrible! Everything is destroyed! Look at this. It obviously meant enough for me to save it, and I don't even know what it is! Ohh, it's still soft. What do you think this is?
Ross Geller: All right. I think it was a mouse.
Jack Geller: How are you honey?
Monica Geller: How do you think I am?! You've wrecked all my childhood memories. You love Ross more than me. And I just rubbed a dead mouse on my face!
Jack Geller: Sweetheart, we love you just as much as Ross! Now, I'm sorry about everything that happened and I'd probably never be able to make it up to you, but here's a start.
Monica Geller: What's this?
Jack Geller: It's the key to my Porsche. Well, the key to your Porsche.
Monica Geller: What?!
Ross Geller: What?!!!
Jack Geller: I've been thinking about getting rid of it. I was driving it the other day and saw my reflection in a store window. Your mother's right, I do look like an ass.
Monica Geller: Wait, you're giving me your Porsche, you're kidding me right?!
Ross Geller: Well w-w-w-w-wait, w-wait, wait, wait a minute! I mean a couple of stupid boxes get wet and she gets a Porsche?!
Jack Geller: Why don't we take it for a spin?
Monica Geller: All right!
Ross Geller: Well, what about me?! I'm a medical marvel!!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah.
Rachel Green: Ahhhh...
Joey Tribbiani: Ahhh... Eh?
Rachel Green: Uh-huh.
Monica Geller: Hey guys!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Monica Geller: Do you guys know what happened to Chandler's barca lounger?
Rachel Green: Oh yeah, Joey broke it. Had to get rid of it.
Monica Geller: Are you kidding?! I get a Porsche and the barca lounger's gone?! This is the best day ever!