Monica Geller: Hey! So what do you think?
Chandler Bing: New haircut? Necklace? Dress? Boots? Boots!
Monica Geller: Yes! Now, they're a little more than I normally spend on boots...or rent
Chandler Bing: Oh my God!
Monica Geller: I know.
Chandler Bing: I'm gonna miss being able to afford food.
Monica Geller: I'm sorry, they just, they just look so good! And the saleswoman was looking at me like, "Oh, these are way too expensive for you."
Chandler Bing: She had a point.
Rachel Green: Hi!
Monica Geller: Hey.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Oh Monica! Those boots are amazing!
Monica Geller: They're mine!
Chandler Bing: Yeah well, too bad we're gonna have to return them.
Rachel Green: Return them?! Shh! They're gonna hear you!
Monica Geller: Honey, I'm not returning them. Okay? I mean I-I know they cost a lot, but I'm going to wear them all the time. You'll see. Besides, I love the compliments. I mean, have you ever had something so beautiful everyone wanted it?
Chandler Bing: I have you.
Monica Geller: Nice try; I'm keeping the boots.
Ross Geller: That's right, I love you! And-and I'm gonna play with you all the time.
Phoebe Buffay: How can you let him talk to your crotch like that?
Rachel Green: He's talking to the baby.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh! Okay! Okay, cause when-when he said, "I can't wait to hear your first words," I thought, "There's a trick."
Rachel Green: Okay. Well, I gotta go you guys. I'll see you later.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Ross Geller: Bye.
Rachel Green: Bye.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh hey Rach, listen-Hi!
Rachel Green: Hi.
Joey Tribbiani: Umm, can you do me a favor? I was talkin' to my sister and she knows you work at Ralph Lauren...
Rachel Green: No, forget it! No way! I am not sending anymore Ralph Lauren clothes to prison. It is a waste.
Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no-no-no-no, not her, not her. My youngest sister, Dina, she's really interested in fashion, and she wants to talk to someone successful, y'know, to give her some advice.
Rachel Green: I guess I can talk to one of my supervisors...
Joey Tribbiani: Oh no-no-no-no, she wants to talk to you!
Rachel Green: Really?! Oh my God! I'm successful!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, so will you meet with her?
Rachel Green: Yes! I'd love to! Have her come by the office.
Joey Tribbiani: Great! Thanks! You're gonna love her so much. And-Oh, she's the smartest of all the Tribbiani children. Hey, y'know the S.A.T's?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: She took 'em!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey Ross! Doesn't Ben go to the Smithfield Day School?
Ross Geller: Yeah. Why?
Phoebe Buffay: Sting has a son that goes there too!
Ross Geller: Yeah I know; he's in Ben's class.
Phoebe Buffay: You knew this and you never said anything?! With all the stupid dinosaur stuff you tell us?!
Ross Geller: Fine! No more dinosaur stuff! Can I talk about fossils?
Phoebe Buffay: Sting's son, seven years old and there's a picture.
Ross Geller: What are you reading? The Kidnappers Guide to Manhattan Private Schools?
Phoebe Buffay: No, it's New York magazine. It's an article about the best schools in the city. So how well do you know Sting?
Ross Geller: Uh, I actually haven't even met him.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, yeah that's too bad. I really want to go to his concert Friday night, but it's totally sold out. I know! Why don't you meet him and get tickets?! If you get two I'll take you.
Ross Geller: Well actually, I'm picking Ben up tomorrow, maybe he'll be there.
Phoebe Buffay: There you go! Oh, you are so lucky! You might actually get to meet Sting tomorrow! That's why you have kids!
Monica Geller: Hey guys!
Chandler Bing: Hey-hey.
Rachel Green: Hi Monica!
Monica Geller: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hi boots.
Monica Geller: See Chandler? I'm getting a lot of use out of them already! They're very practical. See, you can wear them with dresses, with skirts, with pants...
Chandler Bing: You can wear them with shorts on a street corner and earn the money to pay for them.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! They're beautiful!
Rachel Green: Ahh...
Monica Geller: They hurt so much!
Phoebe Buffay: What?!
Monica Geller: The guy who made these hates feet and wants to see them die!
Rachel Green: Well-well you can give them to me! I haven't felt my feet in years!
Monica Geller: I can't! I spent so much money on them and I told Chandler that I'd wear them all the time, I just can't give them away!
Phoebe Buffay: Well then get your money back and return them!
Monica Geller: I can't do that either! The soles' are already a little scuffed up and the insides are filled with my blood.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey I uh just picked up Ben from school...
Chandler Bing: I don't think you did a very thorough job!
Ross Geller: I dropped him off at Carol's. Anyway, it turns out that I'm not going to be able to get those tickets though.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no! Why not?
Ross Geller: Well it turns out that Ben and Sting's son do not get along.
Phoebe Buffay: How come?!
Ross Geller: Apparently, Sting's son made fun of the fact that Ben's moms are lesbinims.
Phoebe Buffay: Wait! But Ross if they don't get along then you should smooth things over. Make them be friends.
Ross Geller: Phoebe, you can't force kids to be friends.
Phoebe Buffay: Sure you can! Give them some blocks, put them in a playpen!
Ross Geller: Playpen?! Ben's seven!
Phoebe Buffay: Your kid is seven?! He's really small. Please! Please get the tickets!
Ross Geller: Look I'm sorry Pheebs, I can't do it.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes you can! Sting says so himself!
Ross Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Rosssss can!
Ross Geller: Look Phoebe, I'm sorry it's just...
Phoebe Buffay: Rossss can!
Ross Geller: Phoebe, I...
Phoebe Buffay: Rosss can! Give me the tickets! Ross can give me the tickets!!
Joey Tribbiani: Here she is! Future fashion superstar!
Rachel Green: Oh Joey, I'm hardly a...
Joey Tribbiani: My little sister Dina!
Rachel Green: Right! Hi Dina!
Dina: Hi.
Rachel Green: Nice to meet you.
Dina: Thanks so much for meetin' with me. Joey's told me so much about you!
Joey Tribbiani: This is so exciting for her. Well, I'll let you two fash...ists get down to business.
Rachel Green: Okay. All right Dina, well let's talk about the different areas of fashion that you could get involved in. Let's see, there's design, but you may need a whole other degree for that. Uh, there's-there's sales, which is great because you get to travel...
Dina: I...I don't care about fashion! I'm pregnant! And I know you are too, so you gotta help me!
Rachel Green: And there's marketing...
Monica Geller: Ahhhhhhhh!
Chandler Bing: What's wrong?
Monica Geller: Oh nothing I'm just-just was yawning.
Chandler Bing: Oh don't forget, my office holiday party is tonight.
Monica Geller: Honey, we don't really have to go to this thing tonight do we?
Chandler Bing: Now sweetie, I know you don't like my office parties, but you can wear your new boots. See? Every cloud has a...supple leather lining.
Monica Geller: I-I don't-I don't think that I'm gonna wear the boots tonight.
Chandler Bing: Why not?
Monica Geller: Well y'know, I'm just-I'm just worried that bosses will see them and think they pay you too much money. Or! Or your assistant will see them and-and want a raise!
Chandler Bing: Do you think I work at some kind of boot pricing company?
Monica Geller: Anyway, I picked up this outfit that I want to wear and the, and the boots don't really go with it.
Chandler Bing: You said that you paid all that money because those boots go with skirts, dresses, and pants!
Monica Geller: Fine! If you want me to wear the boots, I'll wear the boots. In fact, I'll go into my room right now and y'know try the outfit on.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: Okay? Ooo wee! Christmas party in my boots!
Dina: I-I can't go in there. I can't tell him!
Rachel Green: Honey, it's going to be okay. He's been incredibly supportive of me, and if he gets a little upset; that's what the meatball sub is for.
Dina: Thank you.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! It's my fashion girls! What's wrong?
Rachel Green: Honey, why don't you sit down? Dina has something that she wants to tell you.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh. What's, what's going on? Is it mom? Is she sick? Is it dad's heart? Is that a sandwich?
Dina: Joe, mom and dad are fine...
Joey Tribbiani: Is that a sandwich?!
Rachel Green: Joey...there's something that you...should know. Dina?
Dina: I'm pregnant.
Joey Tribbiani: What?!
Rachel Green: Now! Give him the sandwich! Give him the sandwich!
Joey Tribbiani: Well obviously this is a mistake! You can't be pregnant! Because you have to have sex to get pregnant!
Dina: Joe, I tried to wait until I was 25 like you did!
Rachel Green: What?! Dina...
Joey Tribbiani: Bub!!! I can't believe this! You're the good one! You went to college! Both years! Who did this to you?!
Dina: Bobby Corso, but he's a real nice guy. I like him a lot. He's real funny.
Joey Tribbiani: You got pregnant for funny?! Dina...if he's funny...laugh! All right, I'll be back in a little while! You stay here!
Dina: Why? Where are you going?
Joey Tribbiani: I can't look at you right now!
Dina: Wow.
Rachel Green: I know.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, there you are Ben!
Ben Geller: Aunt Phoebe, what are you doing here?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I heard you're having a problem with one of the boys in your class. And so I thought I would just come down here and sit you both down, have a little talk and make it all okay. Now umm, the boy's name is Sting's son.
Ben Geller: Jack? I hate him! He's a jerk.
Phoebe Buffay: Now Ben, sometimes people may seem like jerks on the outside, but they have famous fathers.
Ben Geller: I have to go. My friend Doug is waiting for me over there.
Phoebe Buffay: Him you're friends with.
The Teacher: Excuse me. Can, can I help you with something?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes! Yes you can, I'm looking for Jack's parents.
The Teacher: Are you with one of the students?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, I'm with Ben.
The Teacher: Are you one of Ben's mothers?
Phoebe Buffay: I am one of Ben's mothers. I'm a lesbian. It was, it was difficult coming out to my parents.
The Teacher: Well hi, I'm Jenny Boone. I'm the new teacher here.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
The Teacher: I've only met your partner Carol.
Phoebe Buffay: Ah! Okay so that would make me Susan.
The Teacher: Right. Are you looking for Jack's parents to discuss the problems he's having with Ben? Yeah. Because I really do think the parents should sit down and have a conversation.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Let's do that!! That-that sounds good. We should sit down and talk, just me, my lover Carol, and the Stings. Umm, how-how will I get in touch with them?
The Teacher: Oh, their number is on the contact sheet.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Umm, could-could I get a copy of that? 'Cause Carol threw it out, she lost ours. She's such a scatterbrain, but man what a hot piece of ass.
Chandler Bing: Y'know, that party wasn't bad.
Monica Geller: Yeah! I didn't know there would be dancing. That was a fun surprise!
Chandler Bing: I don't see any uh, cabs. Maybe we should just walk?
Monica Geller: Oh no, we can't walk!
Chandler Bing: What honey, it's like fifteen blocks to the subway. Let's go.
Monica Geller: Hey! Do you think that we can get to the subway right there if we climb down through the manhole cover?
Chandler Bing: What's going on?
Monica Geller: I can't walk. Okay? Okay? These boots were a huge mistake!
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: Okay you were right! All right, I never should have bought them! They're killing me! One toe at a time!
Chandler Bing: So I was right. This is what it feels like to be right. It's oddly unsettling.
Monica Geller: How are we gonna get home? Maybe a piggy-back ride?
Chandler Bing: Hop on.
Monica Geller: Okay. Wait, just give me a second, I need to just get my boots off first. Ah...Ooh...Oohh...Ohh...Oh God...Ohh...Oh...Ohh...Ohhhh...
Chandler Bing: Honey, I know you're in pain right now, but I'm a little turned on.
Dina: Do you ever worry that you'll be walking and your baby will just like slip out?
Rachel Green: What college was that Dina?
Dina: Oh my God! Bobby!
Bobby Corso: Hi Dina. Good to see you.
Rachel Green: Joey, what are you doing?
Joey Tribbiani: Just what needs to be done! Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman...
Rachel Green: Oh Joey this is crazy!
Joey Tribbiani: Don't interrupt me when I'm talkin' to God! Now where were we? Oh right, okay. Do you Dina, take this man...
Dina: No!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh you'll take 'em!
Dina: No I won't!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! You don't get a say in this!
Dina: Yes I do!
Joey Tribbiani: Ahhh! I heard "I do", we're halfway there! Okay! You!
Rachel Green: All right Joey! That is enough! Listen, as beautiful and moving as this ceremony is, it's not legal. Okay? They-they don't have a marriage license, they don't have any witnesses, and the groom only has on one shoe!
Bobby Corso: Yeah, he took the other one off and hit me with it.
Joey Tribbiani: Well what am I supposed to do?
Rachel Green: You're supposed to realize that they are adults! And that they can make their own decisions.
Joey Tribbiani: No they can't! They were stupid enough to get knocked up!
Rachel Green: Heyyyyy! Contraceptives are not always effective! Right?
Bobby Corso: Yeah...we kinda didn't use any...
Rachel Green: Oh, come on kids! A little help here!
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! This place is incredible! Sting's pen...that he gave to Phoebe. Come on! Secret passageway!
Trudie Styler: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi!
Trudie Styler: I'm Trudie.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh.
Trudie Styler: You must be Ben's mum.
Phoebe Buffay: Why else would I be here?
Trudie Styler: Do sit down.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh.
Trudie Styler: I gather Jack and Ben haven't been getting along lately.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Trudie Styler: I'm told there are two sides to this story, but all I've heard is that Ben's a bit of a poo-poo head.
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, I'm sorry. Won't-won't Jack's father be joining us?
Trudie Styler: Oh I'm sorry, Jack's father is not available.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-hmm. Okay. Well then, could we reschedule? For say, Friday night perhaps at 8 o'clock?
Trudie Styler: Oh no, I know that wouldn't work. My husband's in concert.
Phoebe Buffay: Concert. Yeah. That does put us in...quite a pickle. Because you see I'm very busy before and after the concert, and he's obviously busy during.
Trudie Styler: So, I guess you and I should talk about Jack and Ben right now.
Phoebe Buffay: Unless! Unless umm, okay I-I would be willing to go to the concert, umm, all the while thinking about the children of course.
Trudie Styler: Are you here for tickets?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, thank you. Four would be great.
Trudie Styler: I'm not giving concert tickets to someone who'd use their son like this!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh good! Then you're in luck! Ben's not my son!
Trudie Styler: Look, I've just pressed a button, triggering a silent alarm. Any minute now, the police will be here!
Phoebe Buffay: The Police? Here? A reunion?!
Chandler Bing: Okay, ten blocks down. Five to go.
Monica Geller: Oh wait! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Chandler Bing: Oh I'm sorry! Do you need a break?
Monica Geller: My boots in tan! Hey! Can you get a little closer so I can see the price?
Chandler Bing: I can see it from right here. It'll cost you one husband.
Monica Geller: Okay, I'm sorry. I think I can walk the rest of the way now. Just-just give me my boots.
Chandler Bing: I don't have your boots.
Monica Geller: Well I don't have them either. Where are they?
Chandler Bing: Well, why don't you check in one of my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay!
Monica Geller: Okay. God well, we gotta go back and get them!
Chandler Bing: Honey, are you seriously ever gonna wear the boots again?
Monica Geller: Okay, I'm never gonna wear them again. I just didn't get a chance to say goodbye.
Chandler Bing: Y'know what? You can say goodbye to the tan ones.
Monica Geller: Okay. All right.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: Bye boots-Wait! Half off?!
Rachel Green: Joey, just because they're not getting married doesn't mean this is going to be a disaster. Maybe they have a plan!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh? Oh! Okay! Okay! Let's hear their plan! Now, what's the future look like for Dina and Bobby?
Bobby Corso: Well...I really have high hopes for my band.
Joey Tribbiani: You were right. He is funny.
Rachel Green: Hey, now wait a minute! I get when you told people at first that you wanted to be an actor they laughed at you! Now come on Bobby, why don't you tell us a little bit about your band?
Bobby Corso: Well it's just me and my pal Rooster, the band's name is Numb Nuts.
Rachel Green: Really?
Joey Tribbiani: Dina, if you're having a baby you should be married! Even if it is to Bobby! Dude, that's not a compliment!
Dina: No Joey! I knew you wouldn't be supportive!
Joey Tribbiani: So whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What are you gonna do? You're gonna have the baby and-and raise it by yourself...without a husband?! You can't be a single mother alone! You're gonna ruin your life!
Rachel Green: Oh excuse me! Am I ruining my life?
Joey Tribbiani: No! No! No! It's different for you. You're so strong and together. You're not some dumb kid who doesn't know what she's doing.
Dina: Excuse me?
Joey Tribbiani: One pregnant woman at a time, please! I just want you to be okay.
Rachel Green: So forcing her to marry Bobby is gonna make that happen?
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe! Well! Well...so-so uh, what kind of music does Numb Nuts-Oh forget it! I can't!
Dina: Joey, I am scared to death about this. But I really think I can do it, I'm just gonna need some help. And Bobby's gonna be here the whole time.
Bobby Corso: You bet I am! And to answer your earlier question, we're straight-up gangster rap.
Dina: Look, Rachel's told me how much easier you've made all this on her. Why can't you do that for me?
Joey Tribbiani: Because! 'Cause... 'Cause you're my baby sister!
Dina: And you're my big brother! I mean, you're my favorite guy in the whole world. I'm not even scared to tell mom and dad. I was scared of telling you.
Joey Tribbiani: Well I'd be scared of them, but all right.
Dina: Joey, I can't stand the thought of having this baby with you mad at me. I want him to have his uncle. Is my baby gonna have his Uncle Joey?
Joey Tribbiani: Of course he's gonna have his Uncle Joey!
Dina: We're gonna be all right. I mean, even if we're not married this baby is gonna be so loved. Not just by us.
Joey Tribbiani: That's right! By his uncle too!
Bobby Corso: And by you.
Rachel Green: Okay Bobby, why don't we just come over here and let them have a little moment.
Joey Tribbiani: Come here!
Rachel Green: No! Seriously! What's wrong with you?!
Ross Geller: You're gonna love me so much. I got Sting tickets!!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! I do love you! How did you do it?!
Ross Geller: Well...let's just say... Rosss caaaaan!
Phoebe Buffay: Oo, where are the seats?
Ross Geller: Uh, middle balcony.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, now would you say that that's more than 50 yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Then that's not breaking the law! I'm there!


Rachel Green:
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah?
Rachel Green: Look at that guy by the window, wow!
Phoebe Buffay: He's awfully short and I think he's talking to himself. And to be completely honest, he's not that good in bed.
Rachel Green: Oh, what is wrong with me lately? I mean it's like every guy I see-I mean look here. Look at that guy for example, I mean normally that's not someone I would-would be attracted to, but right now, with the way I'm feeling, all I want to do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack.
Phoebe Buffay: Wait a second! This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy, right?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: This is completely normal, around the fourth month your hormones start going crazy.
Rachel Green: Really?! So this has happened to you?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh absolutely yeah! Oh and keep in mind, now, I was carrying triplets so in, y'know, medical terms I was-I was thrice as randy.
Rachel Green: Wow! This explains so much! Last weekend, I went from store to store sitting on Santa's lap.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Yeah, I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield from a Foot Locker.
Rachel Green: Ah.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Well, y'know what? I go see my doctor tomorrow, I'll ask her about this. Maybe she can give me a pill or something.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Yeah, that's what you need a good...pill.
Mona: Hey! Hey!
Ross Geller: Hi!
Mona: Hi! Look! I got our pictures developed from Rockefeller Center.
Ross Geller: Oh great! Hey-hey Joey, do you want to check out pictures of me and Mona ice skating?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh uh, ordinarily I would love too, but I am just swamped right now.
Ross Geller: Hey where-where are the pictures that creepy pretzel vendor took of us together?
Mona: Oh yeah, probably at the end. Oh my God! He only took pictures of my breasts!
Joey Tribbiani: I'm missin' picture time?!
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know she has a face Ross!
Mona: Okay. Okay, here's a good one of us.
Ross Geller: Wow! That is a good one! Wow, it looks like a, like a holiday card y'know, with the tree in the middle and the skaters and the snow.
Mona: Y'know, every year I say I'm gonna send out holiday cards and I never do it. Do you wanna, do you wanna send this one out together?
Ross Geller: Together? Like-like to people?
Mona: Yeah, y'know. Happy holidays from Mona and Ross. It'll be cute, okay?
Ross Geller: Okay.
Mona: Oh, I gotta get to work. So call me later?
Ross Geller: Uh sure, sure.
Mona: Bye guys.
Phoebe Buffay: Bye.
Joey Tribbiani: Congratulations! You just got married!
Ross Geller: I know. Can you believe that?
Phoebe Buffay: Wait, I'm-I'm sorry. What's the big deal about a holiday card?
Ross Geller: Married couples send out cards, families send out cards, people who have been dating for a couple of months do not send out cards! What-what is she crazy?!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey-hey, hey that's your wife you're talking about!
Doug: Bing! Ho! And the Bing-ette!
Chandler Bing: Honey, you remember my boss Doug right?
Monica Geller: Yes, hi.
Doug: Hi. So good news, the divorce is final. I signed the papers this A.M.
Chandler Bing: I didn't know you and Carol were getting divorced, I'm sorry.
Doug: Sorry? Finally chewed my leg out of that bear trap. Hey, congratulations to you guys though!
Monica Geller: No leg-chewing for us sir.
Doug: Oh well, give it time. So the divorce, the marriage, we've got a lot to celebrate. How about we all go out to dinner tomorrow night?
Monica Geller: I can't think of anything we're doing. Why can't I think of anything we're doing?
Doug: Tomorrow night it is then, I should be out of court by six. They keep throwing these sexual harassment cases at me and I keep knocking them out of the park!
Monica Geller: Okay, I'll see you tomorrow! Just so you know, we're not seeing him tomorrow. I-I cannot spend another evening with that man. Do you remember how he behaved at our wedding?
Chandler Bing: No.
Monica Geller: That's because he wasn't invited because of the way he behaved at our engagement party.
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah. Boy, urine cuts right through an ice sculpture doesn't it?
Mona: Hi!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Mona: Hey, I went by the photo shop, take a look, here is a mockup of our card. What do you think?
Ross Geller: Huh. Wow, this is great.
Mona: Now, do you think it should say, "Love Ross and Mona?"
Ross Geller: Well, we-we haven't said that to each other yet, but I guess its okay to say it to other people.
Mona: How many did you want? I'm getting a hundred.
Ross Geller: A hundred?! Well, I-I guess I'll take a-Mona, uh...I-I'm not sure about the whole uh, card thing.
Mona: Really? Why not?
Ross Geller: Sending out a holiday card, together, I mean I just don't know if we're really quite there yet.
Mona: Oh y'know, I didn't think of it that way. You're right. You're right. So, can I ask you a question?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Mona: Where are we?
Ross Geller: Huh.
Mona: Y'know, like where are we? Where is this relationship going?
Ross Geller: Hmm...
Mona: I mean I love spending time with you, y'know I just-I hope we're moving forward. I mean, we should probably talk about that. Don't you think?
Ross Geller: Let's do the card!
Mona: What?
Ross Geller: The card! I think we're there!
Mona: Okay. I-But I think we should still have this conversation.
Ross Geller: Really?! I mean, even with the card?
Nurse: Hi!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Nurse: Just so you know, Dr. Long can't be here today, she was called to the hospital, so Dr. Schiff will be seeing you.
Rachel Green: Oh, okay. Hey, can I ask you a question? Was it me, or-or was the guy who took my blood sample really cute? Y'know who I'm talking about, bald haircut, hairy fingers...
Dr. Schiff: Hi Rachel? I'm Dr. Schiff.
Rachel Green: Yes, you are.
Dr. Schiff: So, how's it going?
Rachel Green: Oh, really, really good. But enough about me, come on! Where-where are you from? What do you do?
Dr. Schiff: I'm a doctor.
Rachel Green: Right! Right! I-I actually meant in your spare time, do you cook? Do you ski? Or do you just hang out with your wife or girlfriend?
Dr. Schiff: Uh, I don't have a wife or girlfriend, but I do like to ski.
Rachel Green: Oh, I love to ski! How amazing is this?!
Dr. Schiff: So, are you experiencing any discomfort?
Rachel Green: No. I'm very comfortable.
Dr. Schiff: Any painful gas?
Rachel Green: No! Shoot, Dr. Schiff what kind of question is that?!
Dr. Schiff: Okay then, would you like to lie down on the table?
Rachel Green: Well would you like me to lie down on the table?
Dr. Schiff: I'm sorry, is there something going on here?
Rachel Green: Do you feel it too?
Rachel Green: Hi.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh hey! So, how did your doctor's appointment go?
Rachel Green: Well, let's see. Uh, they gave me cute doctor today and in the middle of the exam I put my pinky in his chin dimple.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God.
Monica Geller: Why did you do that?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, remember that little problem I was having during my fourth month of pregnancy?
Monica Geller: Oh yeah, the Evander Holyfield phase. Oh man you were so hard up you practically came on to me.
Phoebe Buffay: You wish.
Monica Geller: Hey, I could've had you if I wanted you.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah? Come and get it.
Rachel Green: Okay, even this is turning me on!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Oh hey! Hey Ross! Hey how's it, how's it going with you and Mona? Are you guys still together?
Ross Geller: Oh yeah, yeah we're moving forward. You'll be getting our card!
Monica Geller: You and Mona are doing a holiday card together?
Ross Geller: Yeah, we're not just doing a card! Y'know, she-she also wants to have the conversation about where the relationship is going.
Phoebe Buffay: Ugh! Women!
Ross Geller: I know! I know! Why do you guys need to have this conversation?! Huh? I mean no self-respecting man would ask a woman, "So, where is this going?"
Rachel Green: Uh Ross? You asked me that.
Ross Geller: Hey! You were a closed book! Okay? I'm not a mind reader! Besides, I hate those conversations. I'm horrible at them. Really! Maybe-maybe I need kind of a gesture. Y'know, something that says we're moving forward without having to talk about it.
Monica Geller: Like asking her to move in with you?
Ross Geller: Smaller than that.
Monica Geller: Making her a mixed tape?
Ross Geller: Uh, bigger than that.
Phoebe Buffay: Give her a key to your apartment.
Ross Geller: Whoa-hello! We were closer with the mixed tape.
Monica Geller: All right. Have you said, "I love you?" You could say, I love you.
Ross Geller: Yeah I-I don't-I don't think I'm quite there yet, but I could say I looove spending time with you.
Phoebe Buffay: No, we hate that.
Monica Geller: That is a slap in the face.
Ross Geller: Forget it. I-I-Y'know what? I'll just have the conversation. I'll just say I like things the way they are, and hope for the best. What do you think Rach?
Rachel Green: I think, if it was a little colder in here I could see your nipples through that sweater.
Doug: Bing! We're all set for tonight, 8 o'clock.
Chandler Bing: Oh uh, as it turns out, we can't do it. Monica has to work.
Doug: Oh, my ex-wife didn't work, unless you call turning into her mother work. Fine. Tomorrow night then.
Chandler Bing: Oh uh well tomorrow's no good for her either.
Doug: Oh? Why not?
Chandler Bing: It's the semi-finals...of her...botchy ball tournament.
Doug: What's going on Bing? Does uh, your wife have a problem with me or something?
Chandler Bing: Well now-now you're just talking crazy.
Doug: So why can't the three of us go out together?
Chandler Bing: Because uh...we-we...we split up. Monica and I split up. Hold me.
Doug: Good God Bing I...well I can't say I'm altogether surprised, I saw the way she looked at you, and there was no love there. And the way she looked at me, pure lust.
Chandler Bing: Y'know what would really help me through this tough time is choking something. Can I choke ya?
Doug: Bing my boy, we're gonna get you over this. Now here's the plan, grab your coat, we're going to a strip club.
Chandler Bing: Oh no-no-no, Monica would freak. But to hell with that bitch.
Ross Geller: Here we go. Mona umm, I think it's time we-we had a conversation about-about where things are with us.
Mona: Yeah, I-I think I suggested that.
Ross Geller: Aw, we-we are so... So umm, well I-I-I like you and I-I love umm, y'know hanging out with you. And I mean-I'm having a lot of fun.
Mona: Okay.
Ross Geller: I mean, there's no point in spending time with someone if-if it's just fun. It's gotta be, it's gotta be going somewhere right? So where-where is it going? Ah! That's-that's the real question. And-and the answer is...is it's going somewhere...fun. Now I-I know what you're thinking, fun was fine for you like ten years ago y'know, but you're-you're not getting any younger. No I mean-No not you, not you, you-you are getting younger. I mean-you-you look like you're getting younger by the second-What's your secret?
Mona: I'm sorry, so umm, so where are we?
Ross Geller: Well, well to sum up, we're having fun, you look young.
Mona: Okay...
Ross Geller: But that's not enough. So... So...here's a key to my apartment.
Mona: Really?!
Ross Geller: Really.
Mona: You don't think this is too fast.
Rachel Green: You gave her a key to your apartment?!
Ross Geller: Not just a key, I gave her the only key! I am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Ooh Ross! How'd the conversation go?
Ross Geller: Oh great, I live on the street.
Phoebe Buffay: Where?!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Okay, Monica, Rachel, this is my friend Roger.
Roger: Hey everybody.
Monica Geller: Hi Roger.
Phoebe Buffay: So umm, I'm gonna get us some drinks. Would you help me out?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, he's here to have sex with you.
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: You're welcome.
Rachel Green: Phoebe no!
Phoebe Buffay: It's okay, he's a virgin.
Monica Geller: Rachel umm, I was just talking to this guy and I think he'll have sex with you.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, okay let's leave these two alone.
Rachel Green: No! I do not care what my hormones are doing, I am not going to just do it with some random guy!
Phoebe Buffay: Fine! Then you tell Roger because he was really looking forward to this!
Doug: Oh Bing, look at those twin sisters dancing together. Let me buy you a lap dance with those girls. Huh?
Chandler Bing: Oh that's all right sir, and that's just one girl.
Doug: Bing-What's this?!
Chandler Bing: It's a hand. It's a thing you use as a Jack and Coke holder.
Doug: No, it's a wedding ring. You gotta get rid of it. We're gonna go to the East River right now and throw it in there!
Chandler Bing: Oh no-no-no!
Doug: Oh yeah-yeah-yeah, y'know I did it and I felt a hell of a lot better and if you whip it just right you might hit a seagull in the head.
Ross Geller: Okay, and oh I'm gonna need a bunch of extra keys. Apparently I give them away for no reason at all.
Mona: Hey Ross, what's going on? You changing the lock?
Ross Geller: No. That guy is.
Mona: I don't understand. You-you give me a key to your apartment and then you change the lock.
Locksmith: Good luck buddy.
Mona: Umm, I-I thought we were moving forward and now you're-you're sending me all these mixed signals. What are you trying to tell me?
Ross Geller: I'm trying to tell you I made you a mix tape.
Mona: What?
Ross Geller: I love you!
Mona: Ohh! And I love spending time with you.
Chandler Bing: Hi honey I'm home.
Monica Geller: From the tequila factory?
Chandler Bing: It was awful. To get out of going to dinner with Doug I told him that you and I split up. So then he took me to all these strip clubs and sleazy bars, and then when I wouldn't give him my wedding ring, he threw a soda can at a bird!
Monica Geller: Come here. I can breath through my mouth.
Chandler Bing: Y'know what the worse part was? I got to see what my life would be like without you. It was like It's a Wonderful Life with lap dances. Please promise that you will never leave me, that we will grow old together, and be with each other for the rest of our lives.
Monica Geller: I promise. Hey, speaking of together, how about we send out a holiday card this year?
Chandler Bing: Ooh, I don't know if we're there yet.
Rachel Green: Yes. Hi, I'd like to order a pizza. Okay, can I ask you a question? Is-is the cute blond guy delivering tonight? Very Ambercrombie & Fitch. I'll call you back.
Joey Tribbiani: Who was that?
Rachel Green: It's just the pizza place.
Joey Tribbiani: You hung up on the pizza place? I don't hang up on your friends.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry honey, I'm just having a, having a rough day.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, what's wrong?
Rachel Green: Oh you really, you really just don't want to hear about it.
Joey Tribbiani: Then why did I ask?
Rachel Green: Okay, it's just-and this is really embarrassing-but lately with this whole pregnancy thing I'm just finding myself...how do I put this umm, erotically charged.
Joey Tribbiani: Is that college talk for horny?
Rachel Green: Yeah. So y'know, I have all of these feelings and I don't know what to do about them, because I can't date like a normal person, which is fine because I don't need a relationship, I mean all I really want is one great night. Just sex, y'know? No strings attached, no relationship, just with someone that I feel comfortable with and who knows what he's doing. For just one great night, I mean is that really so...hard...to find. So how was your day?
Joey Tribbiani: Good, I uh, I saw a pretty big pigeon.
Rachel Green: Well, I gotta get up early and it's almost seven o'clock.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I gotta, I gotta go to my room too.
Rachel Green: Okay, good night!
Joey Tribbiani: Good night.
Joey Tribbiani: I can't do it!
Rachel Green: I didn't ask you to do it!
Joey Tribbiani: You're Rachel!
Rachel Green: You're Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: You're my friend!
Rachel Green: Right back at ya!
Joey Tribbiani: But plus, it would be wrong and weird and-and-and bad.
Rachel Green: And so bad. I don't even know what you're talking about because I didn't ask you to do anything!
Joey Tribbiani: I know!
Joey Tribbiani: Do you wanna do it?
Rachel Green: No!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, me neither! I was just testing you!
Rachel Green: That's the end of this conversation!
Joey Tribbiani: This conversation never happened!
Rachel Green: Never happened! Good night!
Joey Tribbiani: Good night!
Joey Tribbiani: Get back in there!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi. Listen, I'm sorry about that whole thing with Roger. It really wasn't right, and I, and I want to make it up to you, so umm, I brought you something that I think you'll really enjoy. Now, this is just a loan. Okay? I'm gonna, I'm gonna want him back. So... I'm gonna go now. I'm sorry, I thought I could do it and I can't!


Phoebe Buffay: Hey! I got you a present!!
Chandler Bing: Oh my goodness! Where did you hide it?
Phoebe Buffay: I got it for your wedding and I ordered it weeks ago, and it finally got here!
Chandler Bing: Pheebs you didn't have to get us anything for our wedding you already sang...
Monica Geller: I love it! It's huge!! Let's open it! Open it!!
Phoebe Buffay: It's a Ms. Pac-Man machine!!
Monica Geller: Oh my God!
Phoebe Buffay: I didn't know where to put it so I just left it here for now.
Monica Geller: Oh well, maybe we can put it in the guest bedroom.
Chandler Bing: Oh, okay.
Monica Geller: All right.
Chandler Bing: I kinda like it here.
Phoebe Buffay: Do you really like it?
Monica Geller: Are you kidding?! I practically spent my entire childhood at the arcade! This is like-Oh my, this is like my second favorite game!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh really? What was your first?
Monica Geller: Well I-I really don't remember the name of it.
Chandler Bing: Well what did it do?
Monica Geller: Well, you just-you put a quarter in and y'know pull-pull some handles and win like a candy bar or something.
Chandler Bing: A vending machine?
Monica Geller: Don't feel bad for me! I won like every time!
Ross Geller: Hey! Oh, I'm so glad you guys are here. I've been dying to tell someone what happened in the Paleontology department today.
Joey Tribbiani: Do you think he saw us or can we still sneak out?
Ross Geller: Professor Neuman, the head of the department, so...
Rachel Green: They made you head of the department!
Ross Geller: No, I get to teach one of his advanced classes! Why didn't I get head of the department?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Hey Rach, listen umm...
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: I got a big date coming up, do you know a good restaurant?
Rachel Green: Uh, Paul's Caf. They got great food and it's really romantic.
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, great! Thanks!
Rachel Green: Yeah! Oh, and then afterwards you can take her to the Four Seasons for drinks. Or you go downtown and listen to some jazz. Or dancing-Oh! Take her dancing!
Joey Tribbiani: You sure are naming a lot of ways to postpone sex, I'll tell ya...
Rachel Green: Ooh, I miss dating. Gettin' all dressed up and going to a fancy restaurant. I'm not gonna be able to do that for so long, and it's so much fun! I mean not that sitting at home worrying about giving birth to a sixteen pound baby is not fun.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, y'know what?
Rachel Green: Huh?
Joey Tribbiani: Why don't I take you out?
Rachel Green: What?! Joey, you don't want to go on a date with a pregnant lady.
Joey Tribbiani: Yes I do! And we're gonna go out, we're gonna have a good time, and take your mind off of childbirth and c-sections and-and giant baby heads stretching out...
Rachel Green: Okay! I'll go with ya! I'll go! I'll go with ya.
Joey Tribbiani: I'll be fun.
Rachel Green: All right?
Phoebe Buffay: No. No! Yes! Ahh. Oh, would you look at that Monica? I just knocked off all of your top scores, how sad.
Monica Geller: Okay, I'm next. Don't! Don't start another game! I said I'm next! Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't hear you over all the winning.
Monica Geller: Chandler! Phoebe's hogging the game!
Chandler Bing: Who cares? It's a stupid game.
Monica Geller: You only think it's stupid because you suck at it.
Chandler Bing: I don't suck. It's sucks. You suck.
Phoebe Buffay: Wait okay, if this game is gonna cause problems between the two of you, then maybe I should just keep it.
Monica Geller: No! No-no! I love it! It is a great present! In fact, why don't you go home and wait for the thank you card?
Chandler Bing: Why do you want to play this game so bad?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! It's not like it spits out a Clark bar after every game.
Monica Geller: Okay. Phoebe that's it. Come on, get out-out of the chair. Get out! Oh come...Phoebe!
Rachel Green: Joey? Could you get that? What are you doing here? I thought you were in your room?
Joey Tribbiani: No, I'm picking you up for our date. These are for you.
Rachel Green: Ohh, Lilies. Joey, they're my favorite. Thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: And, a brownie! Well, half a brownie. Actually, it's just bag. It's been a long walk from the flower shop and I was startin' to feel faint so...
Rachel Green: Oh man! This is so great! I actually feel like I'm going on a real date! Although, I have a hint of morning sickness, and I'm wearing underwear that goes up to about...there.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey come on now, this is a real date. Uh, so...nice place you got here. Foosball, huh? Pizza box. Oh, a subscription to Playboy, my kind of woman.
Rachel Green: Yeah, actually that's my roommate's.
Joey Tribbiani: I would like to meet him. He sounds like a stand up guy.
Rachel Green: Ah yes, but he's very protective of me so you'd better watch yourself.
Joey Tribbiani: Ah... Hey, so this roommate of yours...is he good looking?
Rachel Green: Hm-mmm.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, it must be tough to keep your hands of him, huh?
Rachel Green: Yeah, but I'm pretty sure he's gay.
Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no-no, he's not! No! Why are you trying to ruin the game? Come on!
Ross Geller: ...which brings us back, of course, to Greely's theory of dominance. Okay, that-that's all for today. Oh, uh does anyone know where the Freeman building is?
Student: Yeah, it's the new building on Avenue A.
Ross Geller: What?! That-that's all the way cross town, I'm supposed to teach a graduate seminar there in ten minutes.
Student: Ooh, dude. That's not gonna happen.
Ross Geller: Move it! Move it! Move it!! Hey!!! I'm the teacher!!
Ross Geller: Hello. I'm sorry I'm a little late. Ah-Whoa! A lot late. Let me start by uh, by introducing myself, I am Professor Geller. So to sum up, I'm Professor Geller. Good job today.
Rachel Green: Now the filet mignon, what comes with that?
Waitress: There's a side of steamed vegetables.
Rachel Green: Emmm. Now, instead of the vegetables, is there anyway I can substitute the three-pound lobster?
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know what? Bring her both, and I'll have the same.
Rachel Green: Wow! This is shaping up to be a pretty good date-Oh, I almost forgot. I didn't pay you the rent check.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa, no roommate stuff. Okay? We're on a date.
Rachel Green: Okay. Wow! So I get to see what Joey Tribbiani is like on a date. So do you have any moves?
Joey Tribbiani: No! No. Umm, just myself and if they don't like me for- I'm sorry I couldn't even get through that.
Rachel Green: I knew it! I knew it. Come on tell me your moves.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh alright. Umm, well, okay, I usually start by having a bottle of wine sent to my table from a fan.
Rachel Green: Oh my God. And that works?!
Joey Tribbiani: Well it does when you combine it with, "This is so embarrassing, I just want to have a normal life!"
Rachel Green: Oh, you poor little famous man.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh okay, how about this one. I was gonna wait until the end of the night to kiss you, but you're so beautiful...I don't think I can.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Wow! That was fantastic, I almost leaned in. I really almost did!
Joey Tribbiani: Alright, so...so tell me one of your moves.
Rachel Green: Alright. So where'd you grow up?
Joey Tribbiani: That's your move? Boy Rach, you're lucky you're hot.
Rachel Green: Come on, just answer the question!
Joey Tribbiani: Queens.
Rachel Green: And so were-were you close to your parents?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, with my mom. Yeah, not so much with my dad.
Rachel Green: Why not?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. I guess there's just always been this distance y'know-I mean we both try to pretend it's not there, but it is.
Rachel Green: Oh. It's gotta be rough.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, it is. It's really tough. Y'know sometimes I think-Wow!! Nice move!
Rachel Green: Huh?
Joey Tribbiani: "Where'd you grow up," it's so simple!
Rachel Green: Thank you! And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the rest room.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Rachel Green: And now you're watching me walk away.
Joey Tribbiani: Yes I am! Again so simple!
Monica Geller: Hey.
Chandler Bing: You are not going to believe what I did today!
Monica Geller: Well it clearly wasn't showering or shaving.
Chandler Bing: I got good. I played this game all day and now I rule at it! They should change the name of it to Ms. Chandler. Although I-I hope they don't.
Monica Geller: Wait a minute, you stayed home all day and played Ms. Pac-Man while I went off to work like some kind of chump?!
Chandler Bing: Uh-huh, and I got all the top ten scores, I erased Phoebe off the board! High five!
Monica Geller: What is the matter with your hand?
Chandler Bing: Well I've been playing it for like eight hours, it'll loosen up. Come on, check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, they're dirty words.
Monica Geller: Chandler, why would you do that?
Chandler Bing: Because it's awesome.
Monica Geller: You think this is clever?
Chandler Bing: Well y'know, they only give you three letters, so after A-S-S it is a bit of a challenge.
Monica Geller: Hey wait a minute, this one isn't dirty.
Chandler Bing: It is when you put it together with that one.
Monica Geller: Ah, well if you don't clear this off, you won't be getting one of those from me. But Ben's coming over here tomorrow to play this game, this can't be there.
Chandler Bing: Come on, he won't even know what they mean.
Monica Geller: Chandler! He's seven; he's not stupid.
Chandler Bing: Have you talked to him lately?
Monica Geller: All right, look I'm just gonna unplug it.
Chandler Bing: No-no-no, if you unplug it, I'll have nothing to show for my day! It would be like I was at work. No! Hey look at that! Look at that, it's still there! This thing must have some kind of primitive ROM Chip in it or something!
Monica Geller: Honey you-you got to beat your scores!
Chandler Bing: With the claw?!
Monica Geller: All right fine. Fine, I'll do it. I've just got to get this off the screen. Carol and Susan are still upset that you taught him pull my finger.
Chandler Bing: Pull my finger-My hand is messed up.
Rachel Green: I am not gonna answer that!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh come on! Just pick one! Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross if you had to, if you had to, who would you punch?
Rachel Green: No one! They are my friends, I wouldn't punch any of them.
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler?
Rachel Green: Yeah, but I don't know why. Look at me, I'm having such a wonderful time!
Joey Tribbiani: Me too! Hey Rach, can I just say I think this is the best date I ever had!
Rachel Green: I know!
Joey Tribbiani: I never laughed so hard-Did you see the wine come out of my nose?
Rachel Green: Joey, I think everyone saw the wine come out of your nose.
Joey Tribbiani: I gotta say, I never knew I could enjoy the non-sex part of the date so much.
Rachel Green: Well that is because you have never been on a date with me before.
Joey Tribbiani: Huh. Huh.
Rachel Green: All right, now don't judge me. I normally wait until my date leaves, but you live here. I'm ripping into this swan.
Joey Tribbiani: Ah! Okay, well then you don't judge me. I'm gonna suck on the cellophane from the brownie I had before.
Rachel Green: So tell me, what are Joey Tribbiani's end of the night moves?
Joey Tribbiani: Ah, well, if I want the girl to kiss me, first thing I do is make my lips look irresistible.
Rachel Green: How do you do that?
Joey Tribbiani: Now you can't tell anyone, but uh...I put on shiny lip balm.
Rachel Green: Oh my God!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, like a moth to a flame, I'm telling ya. Okay all right, so now you go.
Rachel Green: No, I don't want to tell you.
Joey Tribbiani: Why not?
Rachel Green: Because it's embarrassing.
Joey Tribbiani: More embarrassing than shiny raspberry lip balm?! I didn't say raspberry before did I? All right just-just tell me Rach, just tell me!
Rachel Green: Okay. All right, stand up. Well, when we're at the door, I lightly press my lips against his, and then move into his body just for a second, and then I make this sound, "Hmmm." Okay, I know it doesn't sound like anything, but I swear it works.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Why-Yeah, that would work for ya...
Rachel Green: All right, I gotta go to bed. Honey, I had such a wonderful time.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Yeah. Me to.
Rachel Green: ...you were 50 minutes late to the class, what did you crawl there?!
Ross Geller: No, I ran. It was really far, and when did people stop understanding the phrase, "Get the hell out of my way!"
Rachel Green: Well, why didn't you just take a cab?
Ross Geller: Ugh, between the traffic that time of day and all the one-way streets it'll take me twice as long. Besides, I teach the class three times a week, who am I? Rockefeller?
Rachel Green: Well you're not gonna be able to keep doing this.
Ross Geller: Well I have to. Okay? If I don't, they'll take the class away from me. And...I already put it in my family newsletter.
Rachel Green: You what?
Ross Geller: You've seen it, the Geller Yeller.
Rachel Green: Right. Wow!
Ross Geller: Besides, I-I think I figured out a much faster route, I'm sure I can make it this time. I just...I just can't be afraid to get a little bit...hit by cars.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hi! Hey, remember how last night we were talking about that movie Cujo?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, I still can't believe you haven't seen Cujo. What is wrong with you?
Rachel Green: Relax! It's not like it's Citizen Kane!
Joey Tribbiani: Have you ever tried to sit through Citizen Kane?
Rachel Green: Yeah I know it's really boring, but it's like a big deal. Anyway, I was thinking about renting Cujo sometime.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah? All right, let's do it tonight.
Rachel Green: Well don't you have that big date tonight?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh right!
Rachel Green: Hey Joey, can I ask you something?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Rachel Green: After our date last night, did you feel a little weird?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God! You did too? It totally freaked me out, what was that?!
Rachel Green: I don't know! I'm-I'm kinda thinking it-it was the lobster...
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah-yeah, the lobster.
Rachel Green: Yeah, I mean I was up sick all night.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah me too, all night.
Rachel Green: Really?! How come we didn't cross paths?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah well that's because uh...I stayed in my room. Yeah, you don't want to look in my hamper.
Monica Geller: Okay, I got that. I'll escape over there. I'll come back over here. All right, come on Ms. Pac-Man. It's got-Right- Well, you're just a little bitch, aren't you?
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, you guys. Listen, I'm sorry that I was hogging the game before-Oh my God! Your friends have some unfortunate initials!
Monica Geller: They're all Chandler.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler sucks! He couldn't have gotten this good!
Chandler Bing: I did. But it came at a price.
Monica Geller: But Ben is coming over tonight and he can't see this.
Chandler Bing: Oh come on, by age seven kids have already seen orgies. Was it just me?!
Ross Geller: Yeah!!!! Yes, I made it! I'm on time! Okay, why don't we all uh, open our books to page 23. Where... Where you will see...a uh...a bunch of uh...red spots. Okay, umm, why don't, why don't you all start to read, while I-
Joey's Date: Hey. Are you all right? You seem a little distracted.
Joey Tribbiani: No-no! I'm fine. It's just... Hey, can I ask you something? Have you ever looked at someone that you've known for a while and then suddenly...suddenly see them a different way?
Joey's Date: You mean like from behind?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Yeah, that...that's exactly it. You're right. Yeah.
Joey's Date: Ew, y'know what? One time I saw this guy from behind and he seemed like a totally normal guy and then he turned around and it was Stephan Baldwin!
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh! Yeah. So yeah, so you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Joey's Date: Totally! Wow! Would you excuse me for a sec?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, sure. Ehhh.
Monica Geller: Oh my God Phoebe, you're on fire!
Phoebe Buffay: I know!
Chandler Bing: One more score to go! You can do it!
Phoebe Buffay: Don't touch me!!
Monica Geller: Don't touch her!!
Chandler Bing: All right! Go left! Go left! Go right!! Go right!!
Phoebe Buffay: I can't!! I can't!! Noooooooo!!!!!!! You son of a bitch!!!!!
Ross Geller: Phoebe!!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh hi Ben-No!! Don't look at the machine!
Rachel Green: Oh God! Thank God you're home! I'm watching Cujo.
Joey Tribbiani: Alone?!
Rachel Green: Yes! But what is wrong with this dog?!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, did you get to the part where they're trapped in the car and Cujo's throwin' himself at the windshield?
Rachel Green: No! No! Seriously, what's wrong with the dog?! Wait a minute, what are you doing home so early? What happened to your date?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh uh, it didn't work out.
Rachel Green: Oh. Do you want to watch the rest of the movie with me?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh uh, okay. Yeah.
Rachel Green: Y'know, I never thought I'd say this about a movie, but I really hope this dog dies. What are you doing over there? Come sit here, you protect me.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh sure, yeah, why not?
Rachel Green: Okay. Okay, that's him! That's him! That's Cujo! That's Cujo!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, I know! I know. Yeah, it'll be okay.
Rachel Green: Oh my God...What's he gonna do now? I can't watch! Oh. Seriously, how can you watch this? Aren't you scared?
Joey Tribbiani: Terrified.
Ross Geller: So is everybody here? I got here a little early myself. Let us begin. Now, the hydrosaurids have been unearthed in two main locations. Here. Here. Now as for the hydrosaurs...


Joey Tribbiani: All right. It's a new day. All that stuff about Rachel, you don't feel that now. It was crazy! You're fine. You're better than fine! You are, as your friend Tony would say, Grrrreat! Everything's normal! She's just your friend Rachel! Your friend Rachel. Your friend! Rachel.
Rachel Green: Hi, sweetie.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, it's your girlfriend, Rachel!
Monica Geller: Hi.
Chandler Bing: Are you, are you high?
Monica Geller: I just had the most amazing bath.
Chandler Bing: Really? I don't like baths.
Monica Geller: Wait, you like them with me.
Chandler Bing: Honey, it's not the bath I enjoy, it's the wet, naked lady.
Monica Geller: Oh, baths are so relaxing!
Chandler Bing: Really? What do you do? You just sit in there stewing in your own filth.
Monica Geller: How dirty do you think I am? I'm telling you, if you had some candles and some bubbles and some music, you would love it! It would take all of your stress away.
Chandler Bing: Honey, it's 2:00 on a Wednesday and I'm watching Road Rules, how stressed do you think I am?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Chandler, you got a minute? I-I really need to talk to you.
Chandler Bing: Oh! Uh, yeah! Is this a cold pizza talk or a leftover meatloaf talk?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, neither.
Chandler Bing: Oh my God, what's up?!
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. It's-it's just...lately, I've been feeling... Okay, here's what it is... You know what? I feel a lot better, thanks!
Chandler Bing: Oh no-no, no you don't, just come back.
Joey Tribbiani: All right. Okay. You and Monica, friends for a long time, and sure there are rules, but then you went to London. Oh, no, but that's different. I mean, there are rules there, too! You know what I mean?
Chandler Bing: Do you?
Joey Tribbiani: It was different for you guys! I mean, I mean, you were both in the same place, right?
Chandler Bing: In London?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Yes. When Monica and I were in London, we were both in London.
Joey Tribbiani: You know what? This is a bad idea. Forget it. Forget it, and listen, do me a favor, this conversation was between you and me.
Chandler Bing: If that.
Rachel Green: Hi! Oh, Ross, don't forget, we have that doctor's appointment tomorrow!
Ross Geller: Right.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, are you going to find out the sex of the baby?
Ross Geller: No-no, we talked about it. We don't want to know. All we care about is that it's happy and healthy.
Rachel Green: Yep! Happy and healthy! And cute!
Ross Geller: And smart!
Rachel Green: Popular.
Ross Geller: With an aptitude for science.
Phoebe Buffay: Are you two talking about the same baby? Hey! Have you started off thinking of names yet?
Rachel Green: Oh yeah! I've come up with a bunch of ideas!
Ross Geller: Really? Me too!
Phoebe Buffay: Me too!
Rachel Green: Really?!
Phoebe Buffay: Uh huh! If it's a girl, Phoebe, and if it's a boy, Phoebo!
Ross Geller: Maybe. But it wouldn't hurt to have a backup, you know? Uh, Rach-Rach, what were you thinking?
Rachel Green: Okay! I was thinking if it's a girl, how about Sandrine? It's French.
Ross Geller: Huh. That's a really pretty name for-for an industrial solvent.
Rachel Green: Okay fine, what do you have?
Ross Geller: Well, OK, it's for a boy. Well, I know it's a little out there, but...Darwin.
Rachel Green: Wow, oh my God, our child will be beaten to death in the schoolyard.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, by Sandrine.
Ross Geller: You're just saying that 'cause I said no to your name!
Rachel Green: I'm really, really not.
Phoebe Buffay: How-how about you each get five vetoes?
Ross Geller: All right.
Rachel Green: All right.
Ross Geller: That sounds fair.
Rachel Green: Yeah! I don't think you're going to need it though. Okay, check this out. If it's a girl, Rain.
Ross Geller: Veto.
Rachel Green: Why?
Ross Geller: Rain? Hi. Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln, and my dress is made out of wheat.
Phoebe Buffay: I know her! I bought homemade soap from her at a Dead show!
Ross Geller: Okay, how about, for a guy, Thatcher?
Rachel Green: Ross, why do you hate our child?
Ross Geller: Fine, you go.
Rachel Green: Okay, James.
Ross Geller: Huh.
Rachel Green: But only if it's a girl.
Ross Geller: Oh, veto. How about-Ooh, I like Ruth! What about Ruth?
Rachel Green: Oh! I'm sorry! Are we having an 89-year-old? How about Dayton?
Ross Geller: Veto. Stewart?
Rachel Green: Veto. Sawyer?
Ross Geller: Veto. Helen?
Rachel Green: Veto.
Phoebe Buffay: Is it me, or is veto starting to sound really good?
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Monica Geller: Boy, do I have a surprise for you!
Chandler Bing: Sex on the balcony?
Monica Geller: No, but someone's really not going to get over that idea, are they?
Chandler Bing: What is it?
Monica Geller: I drew you a bath!
Chandler Bing: Honey, I don't like baths! Could you draw me a picture of us having sex on the balcony?
Monica Geller: Please, could you just try it for me? Come on, I used all my best stuff! I-I-I lit some candles. I put on some music. I used bath salts, plus bubble bath! And got you this little plastic Navy ship. So it's a boy bath!
Chandler Bing: Well, this does butch it up a bit.
Monica Geller: I swear, if you try it, you will love it!
Chandler Bing: All right, if I do this, can we at least discuss sex on the balcony?
Monica Geller: Absolutely.
Monica Geller: Bet I know how that discussion's going to go.
Chandler Bing: All right, this isn't so bad. I like the flower smell! Which is okay, because I've got my boat.
Monica Geller: So?
Chandler Bing: Oh my God.
Monica Geller: I told you you were a bath person! Hey, when you get out, maybe I can give you a facial!
Chandler Bing: I'm going to need a bigger boat.
Ross Geller: I don't think you had an open mind about the name Ruth. I mean, come on, little Ruthie Geller, how-how cute is that?
Rachel Green: Oh, oh my God! I can practically hear the mahjong tiles!
Dr. Long: Okay! All your tests look fine. Now, are you two interested in knowing the sex of the baby?
Ross Geller: Uh, no. No, we're not.
Rachel Green: But you have it right there in that file? You could tell us whether it's a boy or a girl? Dayton or Sandrine? Phoebe or Phoebo?
Dr. Long: That's right. But if you don't want to know...
Ross Geller: No, no, we want to wait, right?
Rachel Green: Right. Right.
Dr. Long: Oh, I'll be right back. And, uh, I know it's really not my place, but please don't name your child Phoebo.
Rachel Green: So, which of these babies do you think is the ugliest?
Ross Geller: What? Rach! Come on, that's terrible! They're...uh...they're babies. They're-they're all beautiful.
Rachel Green: Third one from the left?
Ross Geller: Yeah, why is it staring at me? I think it knows I'm talking about it. Don't-don't you-Wh-Wha-Hey!!
Rachel Green: What?!
Ross Geller: You're looking!
Rachel Green: I didn't!
Ross Geller: I saw you!
Rachel Green: Okay fine, I did. But I didn't see anything, I swear.
Ross Geller: Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you!
Rachel Green: Okay, but Ross just listen to me...
Ross Geller: No, no, no, no! Don't tell me! I don't want to know!
Rachel Green: But I couldn't even if I wanted to, because I don't know! I swear; I didn't see anything, and I don't want to know! It was just a momentary lapse.
Ross Geller: Momentary lapse. Don't-don't you have any self-control?
Rachel Green: Okay, a couple months late on the lecture, Ross.
Monica Geller: Hello?
Chandler Bing: I'm in the bathroom, can you come in here? I think there's something wrong.
Monica Geller: You know what? I-I think I'll wait out here.
Chandler Bing: I'm in the bathtub.
Monica Geller: Oh. What's wrong?
Chandler Bing: I drew my own bath, but I did it wrong! The water's tepid. The salt didn't dissolve and is now... lodged places. And the scents I used don't compliment each other. Eucalyptus and chamomile-Oh!
Monica Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: The bath salts! They're starting to effervesce! It's different. It's interesting.
Monica Geller: Okay, let's talk about something else.
Chandler Bing: Yeah! Sure, sure. So, what was going on with you today? Oh-oh-oh!
Monica Geller: Well, I actually had the weirdest conversation with Joey. He was talking about rules and right and wrong and...
Chandler Bing: I had the exact same conversation.
Monica Geller: You did? What was he talking about?
Chandler Bing: I don't know! Joey hasn't had this much trouble getting out words since we saw him in Macbeth!
Monica Geller: That was a long night.
Chandler Bing: All right, let's break this down. What exactly did he say to you?
Monica Geller: Okay, he was talking about rules.
Chandler Bing: Uh-huh.
Monica Geller: Umm, and looking at people differently.
Chandler Bing: He didn't say anything about that to me.
Monica Geller: What did he tell you?
Chandler Bing: He was asking all these questions about you, me, and London. And, of course the glue that holds this all together, the rules.
Monica Geller: Okay. So you, me and London. Looking at people differently. Maybe he wants to do what you and I did in London with someone.
Chandler Bing: But what did he mean by rules?
Monica Geller: Wait a minute! He stopped talking the minute Phoebe came in!
Chandler Bing: Because he was looking at her differently.
Monica Geller: And Phoebe is his friend, so he thinks that would be breaking the rules!
Chandler Bing: My God! He wants to do it with Phoebe in London!
Phoebe Buffay: You guys?
Monica Geller: Just a minute! That's Mrs. Tribbiani!
Chandler Bing: You don't say anything.
Monica Geller: Why would I say anything? That two of our best friends could start the greatest love affair of their lives! And they would have me to thank, and we could all start having babies?
Chandler Bing: I'm not going to let you say anything.
Monica Geller: You just stay here!
Chandler Bing: Oh, God!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hey, Monica, I brought back your iron.
Monica Geller: Oh, you had that?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh.
Monica Geller: I thought I lost it. I got a new one, like, a month ago.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, just as well, I broke this one.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Monica Geller: Nothing.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Monica Geller: I mean, I-I, I really shouldn't say. I mean, I'm really not supposed to.
Phoebe Buffay: Fine.
Monica Geller: It's a humdinger!
Phoebe Buffay: Then it's really too bad that you can't tell me.
Monica Geller: Somebody likes you!
Phoebe Buffay: Is it Chandler?
Monica Geller: No!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, then tell him to stop staring!
Monica Geller: It's Joey!
Phoebe Buffay: Really?! Joey?! You don't say.
Monica Geller: Is it something you'd be interested in?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. You know, I mean, on the one hand, Mother may I? But y'know on the other hand... No. No, I can't. We're friends. No, oh, no. I don't want to risk what we have.
Monica Geller: I guess that makes sense. So, you think you're going to talk to him?
Phoebe Buffay: Sure, yeah. I mean, it's Joey. I don't want him to get hurt. Well, I must say, I am on fire! First Chandler, now Joey!
Monica Geller: Not Chandler, just Joey.
Phoebe Buffay: Sure.
Rachel Green: Hey.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Rachel Green: You know what? I've been thinking about it. I'm really coming around on the name Ruth. I think I would actually consider naming our child that.
Ross Geller: Rach, I-I can't tell you how-how much that means to me! Ohh... Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You-you hated the name Ruth! Why-why would you change your mind? Unless, you know we're never going to have to use it. You did see the folder. You know it's a boy!
Rachel Green: I didn't see anything! I actually changed my mind about the name.
Ross Geller: I don't think so! You're just giving me Ruth so you'll get to name it when it's a boy, and that's when you'll swoop in and name him Heath or Blaine or Sequoia.
Rachel Green: I would-Sequoia?
Ross Geller: Veto.
Rachel Green: Fine.
Ross Geller: Unless... You anticipated that I would figure all this out and you know that it actually is a girl, and you really do want her to be named Ruth! Well, I'm not falling for that! Okay? Ruth is off the table!
Rachel Green: But Ross, you want the name Ruth!
Ross Geller: Not like this!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Well, what's up?
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, Joey, I know.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Phoebe Buffay: I knooow.
Joey Tribbiani: Whaaat?
Phoebe Buffay: I know about your feelings.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God. You do?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, and I'm sorry. I-I know things worked out for Chandler and Monica, but that's very rare.
Joey Tribbiani: I know. I know. And this is so much more complicated than it was for those guys. I mean, it's Rachel for God sakes.
Phoebe Buffay: For God sakes, it's Rachel!
Joey Tribbiani: I know. I know. And she's not only my friend; she's my pregnant friend! She's my pregnant friend who's Ross' ex!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah that's Rachel. Beat me over the head with it.
Joey Tribbiani: What am I going to do? You know, and I keep, I keep trying to get rid of these feelings, y'know? I stayed up all last night and made a list of everything I don't like about her. You want to hear it?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: She made me switch to light Mayo. That's it! That's all I got! And, you know what? It tastes the same and my pants fit better!
Phoebe Buffay: Joey, I just think you're getting worked up over nothing. This is probably just a crush.
Joey Tribbiani: You think?
Phoebe Buffay: Absolutely! Y'know, you get this rush of feelings, but then it goes away.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, just a crush! That's all this is! It's a crush! I'm Joey; I don't get deep feelings.
Phoebe Buffay: That's right, there you go! Crushes happen all the time! I know I've had them for all you guys. Well, except for Ross and Chandler. And I'm sure you've had them for us.
Joey Tribbiani: Not really.
Phoebe Buffay: Mm-hmm. Throw me a bone here.
Ross Geller: So, I uh... I called the doctor and now we both know the sex of the baby.
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: That's right. The student has become the master.
Rachel Green: Ross, I swear, I don't know.
Ross Geller: Oh, come on, you know it's a girl!
Rachel Green: A what?!
Ross Geller: You really didn't know?
Rachel Green: We're having a girl?
Ross Geller: No.
Rachel Green: That's what you just said!
Ross Geller: No.
Rachel Green: You said girl!
Ross Geller: Yes. I'm... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Rachel Green: I'm not! We're having a girl! Sometimes I can't believe it's with you-But still! We're having a girl!
Ross Geller: I know! I know. You know what? I'm putting Ruth back on the table!
Rachel Green: Oh, yes! We'll have ourselves a little baby Ruth...
Ross Geller: Permission to veto.
Rachel Green: Yes, please.
Monica Geller: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Do I smell essential oils?
Monica Geller: Yeah, I'm going to take a bath. I'm just going to get a magazine.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: What do you think you're doing?
Chandler Bing: L-leaving my troubles behind?
Monica Geller: I know that you're new at this, but this is completely unacceptable bath decorum.
Chandler Bing: Oh, it's so hard to care when you're this relaxed.
Monica Geller: Fine, you can have the bath, but I am taking your boat. Now you're just a girl in a tub!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi, Bubbles. Manly. Well, I just thought I would drop by and let you know how it went with Joey.
Chandler Bing: You told her?!
Monica Geller: She pulled it out of me! She's like a conversational wizard! How'd it go?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, you were wrong, he doesn't like me!
Monica Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! How would you like it if I sent you to Lee Majors' house and told you that he liked you, and you went down there and you found out that he didn't like you? How would you feel?
Monica Geller: I don't think I'd care.
Phoebe Buffay: Really? Lee Majors is hot!
Joey Tribbiani: Hello?
Phoebe Buffay: We're in the bathroom!
Joey Tribbiani: Why?
Chandler Bing: Because it's a relaxing and enjoyable time!
Joey Tribbiani: What are you guys doing in here?
Monica Geller: Oh my God! A friend he's looking at differently, but it's wrong. It's Rachel!
Chandler Bing: You like Rachel?!
Joey Tribbiani: It's no big deal, okay? Phoebe and I talked about it. It's just a crush! It's going to go away! Dude, you gotta rearrange your bubbles! Oh!
Phoebe Buffay: Mazel tov.
Rachel Green: Hey! Ross and I were looking for you! What are we all doing in here? Oh, my!
Monica Geller: Honey, cover it up with the boat!
Ross Geller: Hello?
Chandler Bing: Yes we're all in here and we would love for you to join us!
Ross Geller: Well hey! What's going on? Ooh, cool boat-Oh, no. Hey, did you, did you tell them?
Rachel Green: No, I was waiting for you!
Phoebe Buffay: Tell us what?
Rachel Green: We're having a girl.
Everyone: Oh, wow! Yay! Wow! Hooray! Oh, man!
Chandler Bing: I'll...I'll get you later!
Joey Tribbiani: All right. It's a new day, and it's just a crush, that's all! Just a little crush! All that worrying I was doing, that was crazy. Crazy! Like my friend here the bird would say, "it was cuckoo!" Everything's going to be fine. It's just a crush.
Rachel Green: Hi, sweetie.
Joey Tribbiani: I love you.
Monica Geller: It sure is nice to do this together, isn't it?
Chandler Bing: Yeah. And what you're doing feels so good.
Monica Geller: I'm not touching you.
Chandler Bing: You're not?
Monica Geller: It's the salts.
Chandler Bing: Oh, sweet Lord. New realms of pleasure!
Monica Geller: Whatever keeps you off the balcony, big guy!


Monica Geller: Hey, what's up?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I left my guitar here again.
Monica Geller: Oh, okay. No problem.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Monica Geller: Here you go.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Great! Umm...
Monica Geller: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: So do you want to hang out or something?
Monica Geller: Phoebe! You kinda caught me at a bad time.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh are you and Chandler...
Monica Geller: Yes! Exactly.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Do you guys want me to play for you?
Monica Geller: No.
Chandler Bing: Hey Pheebs, what's up?
Phoebe Buffay: You ask an intriguing question Chandler Bing.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! You're getting a massage! You never let me massage you!!
Monica Geller: Phoebe, I can explain!
Phoebe Buffay: You told me you hate massages!
Chandler Bing: Buy stamps, pick up dry cleaning...Don't let Phoebe in.
Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe this! How long as this been going on?
Monica Geller: Well umm, Alexandra has been...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it has a name?
Monica Geller: Phoebe, don't get upset!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay-Oop! Too late! I'm leaving! Come on Chandler let's go!
Chandler Bing: Well, Phoebe I thought I'd-Yeah, what the hell.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh okay, okay! One more push! One more push! Come on honey, we're almost there! We're almost there!
Rachel Green: Oh Joey, I'm so happy things worked out for us that we're having this baby together. I love you so much.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I love you too.
Rachel Green: And I hope it's not an inappropriate time to say this but, you're the best sex I ever had.
Joey Tribbiani: That's always appropriate! Oh, okay. One more push! One more push!
Doctor: Oh, here is your beautiful baby. Congratulations!
Ross Geller: I hope you're a better father than you're a friend!!
Rachel Green: Joey! Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: What? What's going on?
Rachel Green: Come feel this! Come feel my belly!
Joey Tribbiani: Aaaah...
Rachel Green: Joey! The baby is kicking for the first time! Will you please come feel this?!
Joey Tribbiani: Really?!
Rachel Green: Yes!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, y'know what? Maybe uh, you...you should come to me. I'm a not, I'm not wearing any bottoms.
Rachel Green: Oh, okay!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my, oh my God!
Rachel Green: Aw, it's unbelievable! Wow! She is kicking so much! Oh, she's like umm...oh...who's that kind of annoying girl soccer player?
Joey Tribbiani: Mia Hamm?
Rachel Green: Mia Hamm!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh that's amazing.
Rachel Green: Oh-oh!! One hand on the sheet Joe!
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-hey-oh! Sorry!
Chandler Bing: Hey babe.
Monica Geller: Hi honey. We just got a wedding gift from Bob and Faye Bing; they don't like us do they?
Chandler Bing: Who says you can't get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks? Maybe we can take it back?
Monica Geller: No, it doesn't say where it came from. Where would we return it?
Chandler Bing: How about to the street say from the balcony?
Monica Geller: Why don't we just find a place for it?
Chandler Bing: Okay. How about in that cabinet?
Monica Geller: No! That's where we keep the canned goods! Have you completely forgotten everything you learned at orientation?
Chandler Bing: How about the closet by the bathroom?
Monica Geller: Oh, okay. Here, why don't you let me do it?
Chandler Bing: Oh no-no-no, I will do it. Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once and awhile. It's locked, you have to help me. Why is it locked?
Monica Geller: No reason. I-I keep private things in there.
Chandler Bing: Oh y'know, I've been living here a while and I've never seen what's inside that closet. What is, what is in there?
Monica Geller: Feminine stuff.
Chandler Bing: Don't try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!
Monica Geller: Chandler, there is nothing in there that concerns you! If you love me you-you'll let it go.
Chandler Bing: Fine.
Monica Geller: Thank you!
Chandler Bing: Love you.
Phoebe Buffay: Hello Chandler, lovely day huh? You!
Chandler Bing: Phoebe if it helps Alexandra has only been massaging Monica for like three years. If! I said, "If it helps!"
Phoebe Buffay: Why won't you let me massage you?
Monica Geller: Well it's...I mean I'd just-I'd be self-conscious. You're my friend; I'd be naked.
Phoebe Buffay: Monica! We lived together for years! I've seen you naked!
Monica Geller: That's different, we were roommates! And when?!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm curious about the human body.
Monica Geller: Hey, come on Phoebe, you can understand why this would be weird for me.
Phoebe Buffay: But I'm a professional! And I'm really good! Look, if you're uncomfortable we can stop. Just give me a chance, okay. Please?
Monica Geller: Okay, if it means that much to you...
Phoebe Buffay: It does! How would you feel if you couldn't share your cooking? Or-or imagine how Ross would feel if he couldn't teach us about dragons.
Monica Geller: Dinosaurs.
Phoebe Buffay: Potato, potaato.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Ross! The baby's kicking!
Ross Geller: What?! It is?!
Rachel Green: It's not kicking right now. Although we would love to see you do that again.
Ross Geller: Hey, when-when was it kicking? What happened?
Rachel Green: Last night! I just felt it and I went into Joey's room and he was sleeping...
Joey Tribbiani: A dreamless sleep.
Ross Geller: My God, the baby's kicking. That's great. Although I...kinda wish I-I would've been there to feel the kicking for the first time y'know.
Joey Tribbiani: Well I got stuff going on in here if you wanna feel.
Ross Geller: Look, I-I don't want to miss anymore baby stuff. So...Here. Here's my new pager number, okay? Anytime anything pregnancy related happens use it! I'll be there! Okay? I don't care if it's three in the morning and all you want is ice cream.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! Can I get a copy of that?
Phoebe Buffay: Are you under the sheet?
Monica Geller: Yes.
Phoebe Buffay: Great, let's begin. How's the pressure?
Monica Geller: Nice! Wow Phoebe you are good!
Phoebe Buffay: Stating the obvious, but thank you. And it's not weird is it.
Monica Geller: No. Ooohh...
Phoebe Buffay: That's right, you just enjoy.
Monica Geller: Oh. Oh yeah! Ohhhhh! Ohh! Oh yeah!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Monica Geller: Oh God Phoebe!! Oh that's it! That's it! Right there! Oh! Ooooh-oooh-ooooh...
Chandler Bing: I wasn't trying to open your closet! I wasn't trying to open your closet! I swear!
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, Monica runs a pretty tight ship over here. What are you doing?
Chandler Bing: Monica has a secret closet and she won't let me see what's in it.
Joey Tribbiani: Why not?
Chandler Bing: I don't know! What could she possibly be hiding in here that I can't see?!
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. Ooh, I bet it's Richard.
Chandler Bing: Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here?
Joey Tribbiani: Well off the top of my head uhh, maybe she's having her cake and eating it too. You being the cake and Richard being the too. Or!
Chandler Bing: And here we go...
Joey Tribbiani: I saw this movie once where there was a door and no one knew what was behind it, and when they finally got it open millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh. Y'know it wouldn't kill ya to respect your wife's privacy! Stupid closet full of bugs!
Rachel Green: Joey. Joey, something feels weird and not good weird. I don't-Whoa!!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh hey whoa-whoa, don't worry. Okay. When my sisters were pregnant they got every weird feeling in the book, it was always nothing.
Rachel Green: Really?
Joey Tribbiani: Absolutely. But, we're gonna stop by the hospital just to be sure, okay? I'll page Ross on the way. Come on.
Rachel Green: Okay. Oh God-Ow!-Oo!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay Rach-Rach-Rach look at me, look at me, everything's gonna be fine, trust me. Okay. Take my hand. Here we go. Oww crushing bones!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! So?
Dr. Long: She's fine. She's experiencing Braxton-Hicks contractions, mild discomfort caused by contractions in the uterine wall.
Rachel Green: Hmm, mild discomfort. So I take it you've had one of these Braxton thingies?
Joey Tribbiani: So but everything is normal.
Dr. Long: Absolutely.
Joey Tribbiani: And-and there's no danger to her and the baby?
Dr. Long: No-no. Contractions can be unnerving if you don't know what they are, but she's fine.
Rachel Green: Thank you doctor. Oh thank you for being so nice and calm.
Joey Tribbiani: Calm?! I wasn't calm! I've never been more scared in all my life!
Rachel Green: But wait you said everything was gonna be okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Well what do I know?! I'm not a doctor!
Rachel Green: But I-But everything is okay. I'm fine!
Joey Tribbiani: You sure?!
Rachel Green: Yes! Yes! I got half a mind to contract that doctor's uterus though. Mild discomfort, what's he talking about?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh hey-hey!
Ross Geller: Is everything okay?
Rachel Green: Yeah, everything's fine!
Ross Geller: Your page said come to the hospital, what? What was it? What happened?
Joey Tribbiani: Something called Braxton-Hicks contractions.
Ross Geller: Oh. Oh. Thank God, most women don't even feel them.
Rachel Green: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey uh, what's with the candy?
Ross Geller: Oh when you beeped me I was on line at the concession stand at the movie theater.
Rachel Green: Oh you went to the movies by yourself?
Ross Geller: No I-Mona!
Rachel Green: Oh, I gotta go back in there.
Ross Geller: What? Why? What's wrong?
Rachel Green: No, everything's fine. I just gotta go back...
Ross Geller: No really, you tell me what's up.
Rachel Green: I-I forgot my underwear.
Ross Geller: So, thanks so much for bringing her to the hospital.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh hey, don't worry about it man. Don't worry about it, no big deal.
Ross Geller: Yeah but still, I mean it should've been me. I'm the dad.
Dr. Long: Uh, if you have any questions, here's some information on Braxton-Hicks. Oh and by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in. You're gonna make a wonderful father.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh uh, hey. Not as good as this guy! He brought Twizlers!
Chandler Bing: There has got to be a way!
Joey Tribbiani: Easy there Captain Kirk. Oh, do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler Bing: Yeah. Oh no wait, I'm not an nine-year-old girl.
Joey Tribbiani: Then why do you throw like one?
Chandler Bing: Maybe Monica has a bobby pin.
Joey Tribbiani: Sure. "Monica."
Chandler Bing: So, how's the hideously inappropriate crush on Rachel coming?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, really good. Really good. Yeah, I should be ready to kill myself any day now. Wow, you sure found that quick. I just-I wish I didn't feel this way about Rachel anymore, y'know? I wish things could go back to normal. I mean, I love living with her and God, helping out with the baby is just amazing, but now I think...I think Ross feels left out. Y'know? When I had to take Rachel to the hospital, the doctor thought I was the father. God... You should've seen the look on Ross's face. By the way, I have no idea what I'm doing here. For all I know I'm just locking it more. Oh hey, did you try opening it with a credit card?
Chandler Bing: That's a good idea.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Okay. So uh, Ross is kinda bummed huh?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I just...I feel terrible.
Chandler Bing: Well, it's not your fault. What are you gonna do? Not take her to the hospital? Y'know? You're doing nothing wrong. Except for harboring an all consuming love for the woman whose carrying his baby. Richard? If-if you're in there, could you pass me my credit card?
Monica Geller: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Monica Geller: I gotta tell you, yesterday was amazing. That massage felt so good!
Phoebe Buffay: No-no, I got that.
Monica Geller: So umm, what do you say we make it a weekly appointment?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Okay but you should know though, I've raised my rates to $200 an hour.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: I mean $500.
Monica Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: 600.
Monica Geller: What's going on?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you make sex noises when you get massaged!
Monica Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, and it really freaked me out! And after a while I even tried to hurt you and it just spurred you on.
Monica Geller: What?! You're crazy! There's nothing sexual about the noises I make!
Phoebe Buffay: Really? There's nothing sexual about this? Oooh. Oo God! Ohh. Ohhhh. Ohh. What are you looking at?! I mean hi.
Monica Geller: Oh my-This is so embarrassing. Oh my God, I'm never gonna get massaged again!
Phoebe Buffay: No, you can't let this stop you from getting massages! No look, I have, I have lots of clients that make the same noises you do!
Monica Geller: Really?!
Phoebe Buffay: Well not clients, lovers. But let's just y'know, try it again. Come back and-and we'll work through it.
Monica Geller: Are you sure?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes.
Monica Geller: I guess.
Phoebe Buffay: Great! Okay, if you'll just excuse me. So, did you hear something you liked?
Rachel Green: Hey Ross! Check it out! I learned a new trick!
Ross Geller: Hey uh, I brought you some lunch.
Rachel Green: Ohh! That's so sweet of you! Oh yum! Did you put pickles on this?
Ross Geller: Well yeah!
Rachel Green: Oh Ross!!
Ross Geller: What?! What?! Rach what?!
Joey Tribbiani: What's going on?
Ross Geller: I made her favorite, tuna salad with pickles.
Joey Tribbiani: Pickle? Pickles make her sick. Giving her pickles is like giving me salad.
Ross Geller: I-I'm sorry Rach, I didn't know. Are you gonna be okay?
Rachel Green: Yeah, I'll be fine. But could someone please make sure that sandwich is gone when I get out there?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm on it!
Ross Geller: I can't believe this! I shouldn't be the one making her throw up!
Joey Tribbiani: Dude relax! It could happen to anyone.
Ross Geller: Yeah? Not to you, because you know this stuff. I don't know any of it and I'm the father. I wish I'd be more involved y'know.
Rachel Green: Well, if anyone is keeping score, I no longer eat tuna.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey uh, can I, can I talk to you guys for a second?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: What's up?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, sit down. I wanna talk about our situation.
Rachel Green: Are you breaking up with us?
Joey Tribbiani: The thing is...'cause I live with Rachel I'm here for a lot of the stuff, okay? And Ross...Ross is missing everything. So...
Rachel Green: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe you two should live together.
Rachel Green: Are you asking me to move out? Do you not want me here?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh no-no, no-no I love living with you. It just seems that...if you're gonna have a roommate, y'know it might as well be the father.
Rachel Green: But Joey, I don't think Ross wants me to move into his apartment and disrupt his life like that. I mean-Or he does.
Ross Geller: No I-I-I would love to be around for you and the baby. And we-we can just try it like on a temporary basis.
Rachel Green: But Ross, its you and me!
Ross Geller: So? Sure! But it-it wouldn't be anything romantic. And I'm-I'm dating Mona-Damnit Mona! I was supposed to meet her like an hour ago! What is wrong with me?!
Joey Tribbiani: All right now, so? What do you think?
Rachel Green: I don't know. Is it crazy?
Ross Geller: No! No it's not. Joey, this is a smart idea.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I was due.
Rachel Green: Okay, let's do it. I'll move in.
Ross Geller: Really?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Oh Rach that's great. That's great.
Chandler Bing: Not to shabby, I got this all off myself...using my wife's tools. Oh my God!
Monica Geller: How did you get in there?!
Chandler Bing: You're messy.
Monica Geller: Oh no! You weren't supposed to see this!
Chandler Bing: I married Fred Sanford!
Monica Geller: No Chandler, you don't understand! Okay! Okay! Okay! Fine! Now you know. Okay? I'm y'know...I'm sick.
Chandler Bing: No, honey you're not sick! Look, I don't love you because you're organized, I love you in spite of that.
Monica Geller: Really? You promise you won't tell anyone?
Chandler Bing: Yes! And look, now that I know if I got some extra stuff lying around can we, can we share the closet.
Monica Geller: Well...it's just umm...I'm afraid you might mess it up.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Chandler Bing: So Rachel's all moved out huh? How are you taking it?
Joey Tribbiani: Well uh, I wanted to have a few beers, but uh, I got rid of those because Rachel couldn't stand the smell of them. But I have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium though. And uh, it's a couple weeks past it's expiration date, so it's got a bit of a kick.
Chandler Bing: Are you okay?
Joey Tribbiani: Are you kidding me? I'm great! Yeah, I'm uh; I'm better than great. I am good. And now that she's gone, I can uh, I can do all this stuff around here that I couldn't do before. Y'know? Like umm, I can walk around naked again. Y'know? I can uh, I can watch porn in the living room. Right? This is uh, this is good for me. Y'know? I like being on my own, I'm uh, better off this way. I'm uh, a lone wolf. Y'know? A loner. Alone. All alone. Forever. What's a wolf got to do to get a huh around here?!
Monica Geller: Ohhh.
Phoebe Buffay: That's it. Just relax.
Monica Geller: Ohh. Oh! Ohh!
Phoebe Buffay: Come on more!
Monica Geller: Oh God!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, you like that don't you?
Monica Geller: Oh yeah right there!
Phoebe Buffay: You want it there? You take it there baby!
Monica Geller: Uh Phoebe?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, say my name. Say it! And now I'm going to cover you back up, and umm we're never doing this again.