Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Hey, Rach!
Rachel Green: Hi! Hey, Happy Valentine's Day!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you, too.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, so, uh, how's it going living over at Ross'?
Rachel Green: It's good. Except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages? Oh, thank you. I'll see you guys later.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Bye.
Joey Tribbiani: There's one lucky to-go cup of coffee.
Phoebe Buffay: Honey, I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want to look down my top?
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks. But maybe later.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, Gunther, can I get a scone?
Gunther: You want anything?
Joey Tribbiani: You know what I want? I want a lot of things! I want to be with the woman I love on Valentine's Day! And I want her to love me back! And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that that's never going to happen!
Gunther: We have red bagels.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, okay.
Phoebe Buffay: So, how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together?
Ross Geller: Oh, I'm actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, she's been away all week visiting her parents, but she'll be cool. I mean, she's been so supportive. She-she even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says, 'Fossils are my friends.'
Phoebe Buffay: Ugh. Come on, Mona, don't kiss ass.
Ross Geller: Uh, I'm going to take off.
Phoebe Buffay: All right. Oh! Shoot! Oh shoot! Uh, Rachel wanted to see this tape!
Ross Geller: What is it?
Phoebe Buffay: It's a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring it back to your apartment?
Ross Geller: All right. 'Candy and Cookie?'
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Candy's the mother, Cookie's the daughter. The father's also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people?
Monica Geller: Phoebe, c'mere. I want to show you something in the bathroom.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, Monica, grow up!
Ross Geller: Hey, what's behind your back?
Monica Geller: Nothing. Just something I want to get Phoebe's opinion on for Valentine's Day.
Ross Geller: You don't want my opinion?
Monica Geller: Not really.
Ross Geller: Come on, I'm your older brother, ask me!
Monica Geller: All right, big brother. Which of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter, so your best friend would want to do her?
Ross Geller: The red one.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Look, I know you've been really depressed lately, so I brought someone over to cheer you up. Right outside this door is a real, live, furry playmate.
Joey Tribbiani: No, I'm not sleeping with your friend Jane again.
Phoebe Buffay: He-hee!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! A dog! Hi! Who, you got to admit, looks a lot like Jane.
Phoebe Buffay: This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy. Now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up!
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks so much, Pheebs! We are going to have so much fun, yes we are! Oh! Not that kind of fun.
Chandler Bing: Happy Valentine's!
Monica Geller: Okay! I'll be right out. I'm slipping into something a little less comfortable, and a little more slutty.
Chandler Bing: 'Candy and Cookie'. 'Candy and Cookie?' Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must love me!!
Man On Tv: Yeah, just relax.
Chandler Bing: I love you, St. Valentine.
Chandler Bing: Woah, woah, that's not pretty!
Man On Tv: Now, push!
Woman On Tv: Ow! Ow! Ooh! That hurts!
Chandler Bing: Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever!
Woman On Tv: Ohhh! Make it stop!
Chandler Bing: I am trying!
Joey Tribbiani: Get the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the ball! Well, you're cute, but you're not too smart!
Joey Tribbiani: Did I just throw this?
Rachel Green: Hi.
Joey Tribbiani: Hi.
Rachel Green: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. Who is this?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, that's, uh, that's Phoebe's friend's dog. I don't know what his real name is, but I call him Mozzarella.
Rachel Green: Oh, well, you are so cute! I wish I could play with you more, but I've got to go to work! I hope I stop talking like this before my marketing meeting, yes I do. Yes I do. Bye-bye, Joey. Oh, I seriously can't stop it.
Joey Tribbiani: C'mere. Hey. C'mere. That's Rachel. She's the one who used to live here. Might as well be honest with you-we love her. But we can't have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? You're a guy. Well, you used to be.
Monica Geller: So what do you think?
Monica Geller: I've still got it!
Chandler Bing: Why did you get me this?
Monica Geller: What is it?
Chandler Bing: It's yelling...bleeding...dilating. Oh, the dilating...
Monica Geller: Is this the video of the baby being born? Sweetie, this is Phoebe's. Why were you even watching it?
Chandler Bing: I thought...maybe...you got me porn for Valentine's Day.
Monica Geller: Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you porn for Valentine's Day... you were right! Apparently, it's about a young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom, but ends up having sex with a lot of guys! Yeah, it got four starts! Oh, wait a minute. Those aren't stars. Anyway, you want to take a look?
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm not really in a sexy mood right now.
Monica Geller: Honey, what's going on?
Chandler Bing: Well, remember the first time we saw Jaws?
Monica Geller: Mm-hmm.
Chandler Bing: How long it took to go back in the water?
Monica Geller: Chandler, we can't let this tape wreck Valentine's Day!
Chandler Bing: You don't know. You didn't see it.
Monica Geller: Child-birth, it's a natural thing! It's beautiful.
Chandler Bing: Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful?
Monica Geller: Oh! Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me!
Chandler Bing: See, honey, there's-
Monica Geller: Don't touch me!
Mona: Hi!
Ross Geller: Hey! So, how was Atlantic City?
Mona: Good.
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Mona: I brought you back a present.
Ross Geller: Wha-? Oh, come on. You didn't have to-saltwater taffy?! Thanks! This is interesting. You know, most people think this is made with sea water, but it's actually made with, uh, salted fresh water. That's not interesting.
Mona: I think it's interesting.
Ross Geller: I do too! I missed you!
Mona: I missed you, too! So, how was your week?
Ross Geller: Oh, it was good! It was good. Actually, the baby started kicking!
Mona: How exciting!
Ross Geller: Yeah! I know! It was. Oh... the only sad thing is I wasn't around when it happened for the first time.
Mona: Oh no.
Ross Geller: Yeah, I'm missing out on all this other stuff, too. So, Joey suggested Rachel move in with me.
Mona: Yeah right!
Ross Geller: What?
Mona: Joey cracks me up! It's like, 'Yeah, why don't you have your ex-wife move in with you? That wouldn't be awkward at all!'
Ross Geller: Huh...uh-huh.
Mona: Huh, could you imagine. I go away for a few days, and come back, and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant!
Mona: So, what'd you tell him?
Ross Geller: Just a second!
Phoebe Buffay: How could you not tell Mona that Rachel is living with you?
Ross Geller: I don't know, she seemed to think it was such a crazy idea! Um, plus, she, uh, she got me taffy!
Phoebe Buffay: Taffy, really? I've never had any.
Ross Geller: Ever?!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I think my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats. Thank you! So what, you're just never going to tell her?
Ross Geller: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know, I'm going to take her to an amazing Valentine's dinner. Do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks I'm the best boyfriend in the world, then I'm going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
Phoebe Buffay: she's a lucky, lucky lady! So, where are you going to-what the mother of crap is up with this stuff? Oh, God. Is it gum, is it food? What's the deal? Oh, it's nice! May I try a pink one?
Joey Tribbiani: So, between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross, it just isn't going to happen. It would be like you falling in love with a cat.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, buddy. How's my favorite dog, huh? How's my favorite dog? You're subdued. Did you give him a beer?
Joey Tribbiani: No.
Phoebe Buffay: Will you excuse us, we need to talk for a moment.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Oh, me, right!
Phoebe Buffay: He's miserable! What happened to him?
Joey Tribbiani: Nothing. We just talked about stuff.
Phoebe Buffay: What stuff?
Joey Tribbiani: Rachel stuff.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh...Joey, you bummed him out! This was the happiest dog in the world, and he spends half a day with you, and look at him!
Joey Tribbiani: He's breathing!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I'm going to take him back to Wendy's.
Joey Tribbiani: No, no, no, no! He's fine! Look, look, look! Here's your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! My God, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog!
Ross Geller: Well, I'm, uh, going to pick up Mona. What have you got going tonight?
Rachel Green: Oh, I've got big Valentine's plans! I've got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy!
Ross Geller: Y'know, it's interesting! Most people think that's made with seawater, when in fact-
Rachel Green: Ross, we actually watched the documentary together.
Rachel Green: Ooh! My Chinese food! Let me get my cash!
Ross Geller: Mona? What are-hi! What are you doing here? I'm, um, supposed to pick you up!
Mona: Change of plans, I made you a special Valentine's dinner! Surprise!
Ross Geller: Ayyyayyyy!
Rachel Green: Oh, hey, Mona!
Mona: Hi! Hi. Hi, Rachel! What's she doing here?
Ross Geller: I have no idea!
Rachel Green: I'll be watching TV if anybody needs me.
Mona: Seriously, what is she doing?
Ross Geller: Uh...lately, she just likes hanging out here.
Mona: Why?
Ross Geller: I think she's lonely.
Mona: Okay, but it's Valentine's Day!
Ross Geller: I know.
Mona: Can't we just ask her to go?
Ross Geller: No, no. She's way to emotional. And by emotional I mean crazy.
Rachel Green: I'm not here! That's just my Chinese food!
Mona: Oh, my God! She has food delivered here?
Ross Geller: Mm-hmm. She's-she's emotional, but, but ballsy.
Rachel Green: You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get in my sweats, and eat this in bed!
Ross Geller: And you thought she was going to be in our way! So, why don't you, uh, open the champagne, and I'll be right back. I've got a surprise for you.
Mona: You got another ex-wife back there?
Ross Geller: Please start drinking!
Rachel Green: I'm just going to grab the phone.
Mona: Oh, Rachel! Wait! Hey, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but, but, um... what are you doing?
Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sorry! Do you need the phone?
Mona: No, no. Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this is his apartment, and, and, we gotta have some boundaries, so why don't you go back to your place and give us some privacy?
Rachel Green: But, but, Mona, I live here.
Ross Geller: Happy Valentine's Day! ...Or something to remember me by.
Monica Geller: How long has it been this time?
Chandler Bing: 90 seconds.
Monica Geller: That's better. 90 seconds is a long time not to think about it...except all I did was think about it.
Chandler Bing: You know, it haunts me? Up 'til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver!
Monica Geller: Okay, well, we have to get past this! Why don't we get rid of the tape and pretend it never existed?
Chandler Bing: I can do that.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Okay. Now all we've got to do is get rid of this chair.
Monica Geller: Oh, thank God!
Chandler Bing: Oh, I know!
Monica Geller: Come in!
Rachel Green: Hi! I'm so sorry to barge in on your Valentine's, but I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.
Monica Geller: Oh, my God.
Chandler Bing: Poor Ross.
Chandler Bing: Oh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the drapes!
Monica Geller: Rach, you know that birthing tape you wanted to see? It's here.
Chandler Bing: Oh, And We Should Warn You, Before You Watch It don't watch it.
Rachel Green: Why? You saw it? Is it scary?
Chandler Bing: Well, let's just say it's ironic how footage of someone being born can make you want to kill yourself.
Rachel Green: Well, now, wait. Now I'm all freaked out. Come on, you guys will watch it with me.
Monica Geller: No, but I will leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you!
Rachel Green: C'mon, seriously, you guys, you're not going to make me watch this alone!
Monica Geller: She's right...of course not. Honey, get the tape.
Chandler Bing: This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. Okay, here we go.
Rachel Green: Okay. Ooh, my! Woah! Why is that baby torturing that woman?!
Chandler Bing: Why have I seen this thing three times?!
Monica Geller: It's...still beautiful.
Rachel Green: Uh! It's horrible!
Monica Geller: I know! I know, I'm so sorry for you!
Rachel Green: Oh, my God!
Chandler Bing: Wait, you guys, look!
Rachel Green: What? Did her ass explode?!
Chandler Bing: No, the baby's out! Look, look!
Monica Geller: Oh, look at those little fingers and toes!
Chandler Bing: And look how happy the mom is now!
Monica Geller: Oh...Rach!
Rachel Green: Oh, screw you guys, you don't have to do it!
Ross Geller: Hey, hey, man!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, what's up?
Ross Geller: Uh...Mona just dumped me.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, man, I'm sorry. Why?
Ross Geller: Well, with everything that's been going on lately, I haven't exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I, uh, I didn't tell her I got Rachel pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment, and then had the locks changed! And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner, you know?
Joey Tribbiani: Still, that really sucks, man. Especially on Valentine's Day.
Ross Geller: Yeah. Wait a minute. What are you doing here? Joey Tribbiani without a date on Valentine's Day? What's going on, huh? Girl trouble?
Joey Tribbiani: Sort of.
Ross Geller: Really?!
Joey Tribbiani: You don't have to seem so happy about it.
Ross Geller: Oh, sorry. Well, look, maybe I can help you with it.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I...I d-
Ross Geller: Hey, whatever it is, I am sure it has happened to me. Y'know, actually once-once I got dumped during sex.
Ross Geller: Anyway, so, uh, so what is it?
Joey Tribbiani: Forget about it. It's no big deal.
Ross Geller: C'mon! Joey! What is it?
Joey Tribbiani: It's nothing.
Ross Geller: Hey, hey, it's me. Why can't you tell me?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, uh...sit down. Um... there's this woman that I like. A lot. But, uh...it can't happen.
Ross Geller: She's not a Tribbiani?
Joey Tribbiani: No!
Ross Geller: I knew it. So, is she someone from work?
Joey Tribbiani: Yes.
Ross Geller: Well, uh, does she like you?
Joey Tribbiani: Sometimes I think maybe she could. But it doesn't matter, because I can't do anything about it.
Ross Geller: Why not?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, it's complicated. She's with this other guy. For a long time. Someone from work, too. And I could never do that to the guy, because we're really good friends.
Ross Geller: So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh... is he still in love with her?
Joey Tribbiani: No. I don't think so.
Ross Geller: Okay. Um... is he a good guy?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, he's the best.
Ross Geller: Then talk to him! He might be fine with it.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I don't know.
Ross Geller: Joey, it's worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her.
Joey Tribbiani: I do! So much! I can't stop thinking about her! I can't sleep, I-
Ross Geller: Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to go for it. How often does this happen to you, huh? You owe it to yourself.
Gunther: Here's your warm milk.
Ross Geller: I'm going to...uh...I'm going to, um, put the bourbon in it at home.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah.
Ross Geller: Anyway... seriously, uh...just...just talk to the guy, okay? And tell me how it goes.
Joey Tribbiani: It's Rachel.
Rachel Green: You're going to have a baby, and you need to be prepared. Now, you're going to make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do it!
Woman On Tv: I came to the big city to become a star! I'll do...anything to make that happen!
Man On Tv: Anything?
Rachel Green: Hmm...maybe it starts with how she gets pregnant.


Joey Tribbiani: There's this woman, that I like. A lot. Well, it's complicated. She's with this other guy. For a long time. And I could never do that to the guy, y'know? 'Ccause we're really good friends.
Ross Geller: So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh... is he a good guy?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, he's the best.
Ross Geller: Then talk to him! He might be fine with it.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I don't know.
Ross Geller: Joey, it's worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her.
Joey Tribbiani: I do! So much! I can't stop thinking about her! I can't sleep, I-
Ross Geller: Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to go for it. How often does this happen to you, huh? You owe it to yourself.
Joey Tribbiani: It's Rachel.
Ross Geller: Did you um-I'm sorry, did you just say it's Rachel?
Joey Tribbiani: Yes.
Ross Geller: Um, you...you like Rachel?
Joey Tribbiani: Yes. I like Rachel.
Ross Geller: Rachel?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, okay but look, buy uh-Hey-hey, y'know, y'know who else I like? You! And it-it doesn't get said enough. I like you Ross.
Ross Geller: But R-R-Rachel-Rachel?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, but it's not a big deal.
Ross Geller: It's not a big deal? Oh, I'm sorry I just...um, I...what about all the stuff you-you just said? I mean how about, I like-you-you can't stop thinking about her. Like how you can't sleep?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm an actor, y'know? As-as a group, we tend to be over dramatic.
Ross Geller: Rachel who's carrying my baby? Rachel?
Joey Tribbiani: Look no, I-I know it's bad, and I know it's wrong. Okay? But-but it's not like anything's ever gonna happen. Y'know? These-these are just feelings, they're gonna go away.
Ross Geller: Y'know what? I-I gotta go.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh come on Ross! Hey Ross-Ross don't...
Ross Geller: I just-y'know-I-I just have one-Rachel?!
Gunther: Rachel?!!
Rachel Green: Oh-oh! Okay, she's kicking!
Chandler Bing: Oh! She's growing inside you.
Rachel Green: Whoa!!
Chandler Bing: Oh!
Rachel Green: Wow that was a big one.
Chandler Bing: I think that's the youngest girl ever to reject me.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh hey you guys!
Chandler Bing: Oh hey!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey listen let me ask you, do you believe in soul mates?
Rachel Green: Oh yes I do. I do. I believe that there is one perfect person out there for everyone. And do you know how you find him? You stop looking for him. That's why I stopped looking for Russell Crowe. He'll find me.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, and you?
Chandler Bing: No. I mean I believe that uh, certain people are more suited for each other and I believe in falling in love, but soul mates, I don't think they exist.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, good.
Chandler Bing: Why?
Phoebe Buffay: Well last night, I met Monica's.
Chandler Bing: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I had a date with this guy, and I swear to God, he is her other half.
Chandler Bing: Come on, don't be crazy. You don't think there's someone out there better suited for Monica than me, do ya?
Rachel Green: Well, what's he like?!
Phoebe Buffay: Well he's tall.
Rachel Green: Uh-huh.
Phoebe Buffay: He has brown hair.
Rachel Green: Of course, of course.
Chandler Bing: A tall guy with hair similar to mine, oh unknowable universe!
Phoebe Buffay: He works with food!
Rachel Green: Oh sure. Older?
Phoebe Buffay: Obviously, and he's British.
Rachel Green: Oh, I was just gonna ask!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? And, he's-he's so centered and mature and confident.
Rachel Green: Oh, it's so sad they never had a chance to meet.
Chandler Bing: Luckily, the guy she settled for can't hear what you're talking about.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'm so sorry. Um, and maybe I'm wrong! I but-y'know I'm gonna go out with him again, I'll find out more.
Chandler Bing: You believe that this guy is destined for someone else and you're still gonna date him?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, he may not be my soul mate, but a girl's gotta eat.
Monica Geller: Hey.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Monica Geller: I just talked to Joey, I just-I want to see how you were.
Ross Geller: Oh y'know, I still-I can't believe it. Joey and Rachel I mean it's... It's like you and me going out, only weirder!
Monica Geller: All right, I know you're hurting, and-and I want to be supportive, but don't say that again.
Ross Geller: Oh my God! What if, what if they get married? Then he'd be the stepfather of my child.
Monica Geller: Honey, I don't think that's something we need to worry about! First of all he's-he's never gonna tell her how he feels about her. And even if he did you have no idea how she'd react.
Ross Geller: Sure, because women never like Joey. Y'know, I think he's a virgin.
Monica Geller: Joey...he's not even thinking about going after Rachel!
Ross Geller: He's not?
Monica Geller: No! All he's thinking about is how you're taking this! I mean, listen it's totally freaking him out. He's talking about moving to Vermont.
Ross Geller: Why?
Monica Geller: He says he wants to leave the country. He thinks you hate him.
Ross Geller: Hate him? I... No, I don't hate him. It's just it's Rachel, y'know?
Monica Geller: Honey I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you. But, I don't want you to lose Joey over it. And right now he just needs to know that you're still his friend.
Ross Geller: Okay. Okay, I'll talk to him.
Monica Geller: All right. Now do it soon, he just asked me how to convert his dollars into Vermont money.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Hi!
Monica Geller: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, Chandler, Monica, this is Don.
Don: Oh, hello. Hello.
Phoebe Buffay: Soul mate.
Chandler Bing: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Soul mate.
Monica Geller: So, what have you guys been doing?
Don: Well, we just had a terrible lunch today at Reattica. What is with all the sun-dried tomatoes at that place?
Monica Geller: I know! What is this, 1985?!
Don: That's exactly what I said. Phoebe, isn't that strange.
Monica Geller: Not really.
Chandler Bing: What's wrong with sun-dried tomatoes? On a barbecue chicken pizza? No?
Monica Geller: So Don, what-what other restaurants do you like?
Don: Well, Octavio, 27&7-Oh! And there's this great little place, Alessandro's.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! That's my restaurant, I'm the chef there.
Don: You're kidding me!
Monica Geller: No!
Don: Your food is fantastic! Wow, I really want to talk to you about your menu, once I get some coffees first. Um, anyone want any?
Monica Geller: Oh, I'd like a latte. Oh y'know what? If you're gonna talk about me, I'm gonna go with you.
Chandler Bing: What are you doing?!
Phoebe Buffay: Nothing! I swear to God I didn't know you guys would be here! And the good news is you didn't believe in soul mates. So...
Chandler Bing: I believe in tall, handsome strangers who hit on my wife!
Phoebe Buffay: They're just talking, and y'know what? Just because I think they're soul mates doesn't mean anything's gonna happen.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, good work.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah?
Monica Geller: Yeah! Oh he's great, I love him.
Phoebe Buffay: Don't worry, we'll find you someone else.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Look, I understand if you came by to hit me, I deserve it.
Ross Geller: No, I don't want to hit you.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh what then? Kick me?
Ross Geller: No.
Joey Tribbiani: Bite me?
Ross Geller: No, no I don't want to do anything to you. All right? I just want to tell you that I'm not mad at you and...and that I certainly do not hate you. I just, I just came here to say that.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh now-Hey Ross-Ross! Do you wanna-wanna come in for a beer or something?
Ross Geller: Uh...yeah sure.
Joey Tribbiani: Do uh, do you got any beer? All-all I got is this melon stuff that Rachel left. I don't...
Ross Geller: Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey look Ross, you need to understand something okay? I uh...I am never gonna act on this Rachel thing, okay? I-I would never do anything to jeopardize my friendship with you.
Ross Geller: Thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: Anyway, it uh...look it'll just...take me a while to get over her, that's all. I'm not even sure how to do that, I mean I've never been in love before so...
Ross Geller: What?! You're in love with her.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I thought you knew that.
Ross Geller: Umm, no.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow. Hey look, if it helps, I don't want to feel this way. Honest. I just keep thinking, "Ah, I'll get over this." Y'know? I just-It just keeps gettin' harder. I don't, I don't know what to do. Y'know? What do I do?
Ross Geller: I think you need to tell her how you feel.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay that's the green stuff talkin'.
Ross Geller: No, I'm serious. You-you need to find out where she is, because if she's not where you are, then you can start to move past this.
Joey Tribbiani: But what if uh-and I'm not saying she will be-But...
Ross Geller: If she is where you are then uh...then my feeling weird about it shouldn't stand in the way.
Joey Tribbiani: Are you sure?
Ross Geller: Yeah. Look if-if she's gonna end up with somebody else, the truth is she couldn't find a better guy. So...
Joey Tribbiani: Hey thanks.
Ross Geller: So when do you think you're gonna talk to her?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God I have to tell her! I haven't even thought about what I will say. What should I say?
Ross Geller: I'm understanding, but let's not get carried away.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry, you're right. What am I gonna say? Oh!
Ross Geller: Yeah, tell me about it.
Don: ...so I've been slowly phasing out the wine importing and focusing more on the cheese side of things.
Chandler Bing: Cheese you say? That's some pretty smelly work, huh Don?
Don: Excuse me?
Chandler Bing: Cheese, it's smelly. You must smell a lot of the time too.
Don: Uh, not really. But when it comes to cheese, I'm one of the people who thinks the smellier the better.
Monica Geller: Me too! Yeah, Chandler can't stand it. He won't even allow me to have blue cheese in the house.
Don: And you're still married to him?
Monica Geller: You know what I'd love to do? I would like to go to France and eat nothing but bread and cheese-Not even bread, just cheese. No, I want the bread. Yeah. Ah, and pastries... And pate. Oh, I'm really not high, it's just I used to be fat.
Don: Well if you where ever enter the Loire valley let me know, I've got a great little villa you can stay at.
Chandler Bing: Is it made of cheese?
Don: No. But God, a house made of cheese, wouldn't that be incredible?!
Monica Geller: I'd move in tomorrow!
Chandler Bing: Oh come on! Are you listening to this?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm so sorry.
Chandler Bing: What do we do?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know, they both want to live in a house of cheese! I don't know how you fight that.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Okay, I can do this. I can tell her how I feel. Just uh, just stand up straight. Take a couple deep breaths. Look confident.
Rachel Green: Joey? What's up?
Joey Tribbiani: I uh, I just came by because I-I want to talk to you about something.
Rachel Green: Okay what's up?
Joey Tribbiani: Here? In the hall? What are we animals?
Rachel Green: Well honey, I'm late for a meeting. So can you just make it quick?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay umm, I just came by to tell you that I...want to have dinner with you tonight. That's all.
Rachel Green: Sure! That sounds great! Just leave me a message and tell me where to meet you. Okay?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. That's good. Okay, that give you a couple hours to prepare what you're gonna say. Good. Yeah. Don't you people ever knock?!
Monica Geller: I'd like to have Don and Phoebe over. Wouldn't that be nice?
Chandler Bing: Sure, why don't you set it up. I'll just be over here, browsing through the personals.
Monica Geller: Are you okay? You've been acting weird all afternoon.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, fine. Fine. Not perfect!! But good enough.
Monica Geller: Jeez! What is with you?
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry, did you say cheese?
Monica Geller: All right, what's going on?
Chandler Bing: Phoebe thinks you and Don are soul mates, and I don't believe in that kind of stuff. But then you two totally get along. So look, I won't stand in your way if you want to run off with Don and live in a house of cheese.
Monica Geller: Chandler, you don't believe in soul mates?
Chandler Bing: No. But I'm sure 'tomatoes' does.
Monica Geller: I don't believe in soul mates either.
Chandler Bing: You don't?
Monica Geller: No. I don't think that you and I were destined to end up together. I think that we fell in love and work hard at our relationship. Some days we work really hard.
Chandler Bing: So you...you don't want to live with Don in a cheese house?
Monica Geller: No, I've had second thoughts about that. Do you realize how hard that would be to clean?
Chandler Bing: I love you.
Monica Geller: I know.
Chandler Bing: Y'know what? I am going to take you out to dinner tonight. I found this place that makes the greatest mozzarella sticks and jalepino poppers. No? Really? They taste so good.
Rachel Green: ...and I know Chandler is kidding but it happens every time he touches my stomach. I mean I'm really worried the baby's not going to like him. Are you okay?
Joey Tribbiani: What? Yeah! Sure! Uh, look at the uh, the reason...-Is it hot in here?
Rachel Green: No. Not-not for me, but why don't you take off your sweater?
Joey Tribbiani: I would, but this is a nice place and my T-shirt has a picture of Calvin doing Hobbs.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Really?! Can I see it?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Sure.
Rachel Green: Huh. Wow, I wouldn't think Hobbs would like that so much.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh... How long have we known each other?
Rachel Green: Um, seven...e-e-eight, eight years. Wow.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh-huh, long time.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: But over the past few weeks...
Waiter: Hah, sorry about the wait, but it is mega-jammed in here! We have a couple specials tonight...
Joey Tribbiani: Actually uh, could you give us a second?
Waiter: Sure. Sure. Second's up! Not...that kind of table.
Rachel Green: So you were saying?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm not quite sure.
Rachel Green: Okay, well you had asked me how long we had known each other, and I said, "Eight years." And the um, waiter came over and cut his tip in half, and umm...now here we are.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, here we are. Uhh... I... I think I'm...falling in love with you.
Rachel Green: What?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm falling in love with you.
Rachel Green: Who are you talking too? Oh, you're kidding! Oh, it's a joke! It's funny. It's funny. I don't get it. Oh. Okay. Umm... I-I...uh, wow. Are you uh... How did umm... When?
Joey Tribbiani: Does it really matter?
Rachel Green: Wow! Wow. Wow. Wow, it is hot in here.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay look Rach, I know this is a lot. You don't have to say anything. You-you uh, you take as much time as you need. Okay, you gotta say something!
Rachel Green: Joey, Joey I love you so much, but I...
Joey Tribbiani: But.
Rachel Green: Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-yeah right. That's okay. That's fine. That's uh, pretty much what I was expecting. So uh, it's no big deal. All right? I think I'm gonna go.
Rachel Green: No! Joey please! Please don't! Please don't leave like this! Now come on, you cannot do this to a pregnant woman!
Joey Tribbiani: Don't start doing that. You can't do that Rach, 'cause then you're gonna make me do that. Oh, here we go!
Rachel Green: Can I?
Joey Tribbiani: Sure!
Rachel Green: Oh Joey honey I don't...I don't want to lose...
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey-hey, hey! You can't. Okay? Ever!
Rachel Green: I'm so sorry.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh no-no Rach, please, don't be sorry. Okay? Don't be sorry. Y'know I was only kidding you.
Rachel Green: Yeah, that was a real good one.
Waiter No. 2: Is this your table?
Waiter: Yeah.
Waiter No. 2: God, you're gonna be here all night!
Waiter: I know! I haven't even read them the specials yet!
Waiter No. 2: What's the matter with them?
Waiter: I don't know. I think maybe one of them is dying. I kinda hope it's the girl. The guy is really cute!


Rachel Green: Joey? Are you in there?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh God! That's Rachel!
Monica Geller: Joey, you have to talk to her!
Joey Tribbiani: No-no, I can't! I can't! Not after the other night, it's just it's...too weird, okay? Don't tell her I'm here! Don't eat that!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey Rachel!
Rachel Green: Is Joey here?
Chandler Bing: I don't see him. Do you see him?
Monica Geller: I don't see him. Hey! Maybe he's in the sugar bowl! Joey? Nope!
Rachel Green: Well, at least you make each other laugh.
Monica Geller: What's up?
Rachel Green: Well, I haven't seen him since that night that he told me how he y'know... I don't know, I think he's avoiding me. Why is that bagel on the floor?
Monica Geller: We were playing a game.
Rachel Green: Ew, was Chandler naked? Sort of like a, like a ring toss kind of situation?
Monica Geller: Sure.
Chandler Bing: What?! No! No!
Rachel Green: All right. Well listen, if you see Joey will you just tell him uh...tell him I miss him.
Monica Geller: Okay, did you hear that?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, a naked bagel game? Dude, I don't know. That's a pretty small hole.
Monica Geller: Honey, you gotta talk to her.
Joey Tribbiani: I can't! Y'know? You guys don't know what it's like to put yourself out there like that and just get shot down.
Chandler Bing: I don't know what that's like?! Up until I was 25 I thought the only response to, "I love you," was, "Oh crap!"
Monica Geller: Hello? No rejection? I got shot down at fat camp! Boy, kids are mean when they're hungry.
Joey Tribbiani: All right so, so what do I do?
Monica Geller: This is Rachel. I mean, what are you gonna do, never going to talk to her again? I mean I know it's weird, it's awkward, but you gotta at least try.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Okay. Whoa! I almost forgot this was on your...
Chandler Bing: We didn't play it!!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so when you're done with your tea I'll look at your leaves and tell you your fortune.
Chandler Bing: I didn't know you read tea leaves.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, I've done it for years. I actually stopped because I was so accurate. Y'know, and-and y'know, one of the great joys of life is it's-it's wondrous unpredictability. Y'know? And also tea tends to give me the trots.
Monica Geller: Okay, I'm done. Read mine.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Ooh, I see a ladder. Which can mean either a promotion or a violent death.
Monica Geller: I-I'm the head chef. I-I can't get promoted.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm, who's next?
Rachel Green: Okay, I'm done. Do mine.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Umm, oh! Okay, I see a circle.
Rachel Green: Ah.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Which can either mean you're having a baby or you're gonna make a scientific discovery!
Rachel Green: Well, I have been spending a lot of time in the lab.
Chandler Bing: What does yours say Pheebs?
Phoebe Buffay: Umm... Wow, all right. Wow! Yay! Ooh, I'm gonna meet a guy! And really soon! And he's gonna be the man of my dreams. Probably not the guy I had a dream about last night.
Ross Geller: Hey! Has anyone seen my shirt? It's a button down, like a, like a faded salmon?
Monica Geller: You mean your pink shirt?
Ross Geller: Faded salmon color.
Monica Geller: No, I-I haven't seen your pink shirt.
Ross Geller: Great! Great. Then I must've left it at Mona's. I knew it!
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm sure you get another one at Ann Taylor's.
Ross Geller: That's my favorite shirt! Okay? I love that shirt!
Rachel Green: Well just ask Mona to give it back!
Ross Geller: I don't know. I mean I-I guess I could. It's just that we didn't really end things such good terms. And if I go over there I'd be ignoring the one thing she asked me to do when we broke up, jump up my own ass and die.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh wait a second you guys...for the last couple weeks I've been that guy everywhere I go. We take the same bus. We go to the same bookstore, the same dry cleaners; maybe he's the tea guy.
Chandler Bing: Phoebe, did you see that?! He totally checked you out! He is so cute! Mine has a picture of The Village People, what does that mean?
Rachel Green: Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Joey Tribbiani: Hi.
Monica Geller: Tea gives Phoebe the trots.
Rachel Green: So I thought Joey and I would be okay once we hung out, but it's not even like we know how to be with each other anymore.
Chandler Bing: I know it's tough now, but things will get better.
Rachel Green: How do you know that? What if it just gets worse and worse and worse, to the point where we can't even be in the same room with each other?!
Chandler Bing: I'm not great at the advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Some cheese?
Monica Geller: Honey, what is the Bruce Springsteen CD in the Kat Stevens case?
Chandler Bing: Let's just say if I can't find the right CD case I just put it in the nearest one.
Monica Geller: Okay, where is the Kat Stevens CD?
Chandler Bing: In the James Taylor case.
Monica Geller: Where is the James Taylor CD?
Chandler Bing: Honey, I'm gonna save you some time, 200 CDs, not one of them in the right case.
Monica Geller: Okay. No need to panic. Deep breathes everyone. Okay umm uh, we're just gonna have to spend some time and put the CDs in the right cases.
Chandler Bing: Well, if we're gonna do that we should come up with some kind of order. Y'know alphabetically or by genre?
Monica Geller: Hmm, I don't know. We really have to talk this through.
Rachel Green: Oh my God!! You guys have such problems!! I feel so terrible for you!
Monica Geller: Okay, I-I'm sorry. You and Joey, your both focusing on this uncomfortable thing, what you need to do is to change the subject. Next time you see him try to get him talking about something else.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah. That makes sense.
Monica Geller: Yeah, like I don't know, maybe you have a work problem that you need his advice on.
Rachel Green: Ooh, I can do that.
Monica Geller: Good. Uh honey, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?
Chandler Bing: They were just giving those away at the store in exchange for money.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hi.
Monica Geller: Uh I really don't know what to tell you Rach, I really don't. I mean, maybe Joey can help you out with your, with your big work problem.
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller: Yeah Joey she's...Rachel's got this really big work problem, and it is a head scratcher. Wow! Y'know what, if we're gonna make dinner we're gonna have to leave. Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: So you uh, have a...big work problem?
Rachel Green: Yeah it's umm... Yeah it's uh... It-it's y'know-It's nothing.
Joey Tribbiani: Huh. Okay. So uh, I think I'm gonna take off.
Rachel Green: Yeah-No wait! Joey no wait it is. It's something. It's-it's umm...it's my boss.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah?
Rachel Green: Yeah, and umm my baby.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah?
Rachel Green: My boss wants to buy my baby!
Joey Tribbiani: What?! Oh my-oh my God!
Rachel Green: I know I told you, it's a really big problem.
Joey Tribbiani: What he wants to buy your baby?!
Rachel Green: Can you believe that?!
Joey Tribbiani: That's crazy!
Rachel Green: That's what I told him!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, how did this even happen?
Rachel Green: Well I'll tell ya! See uh my-my boss and his wife-They-they can't have children. So umm, and that-we were at the Christmas party, and he got drunk, and he said to me, "Rachel, I want to buy your baby."
Joey Tribbiani: Man! When you said it was a problem about your boss and the baby I figured it was something about maternity leave.
Rachel Green: Ohh! Yeah! Yeah that-that would've been a much simpler problem.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh hello.
Guy: Oh, it's you. I see you everywhere. I'm Jim, Jim Nelson.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh Jim, Jim Nelson I'm Phoebe, Phoebe Buffay. We certainly have been seeing a lot of each other lately.
Jim: We have. Maybe we'll be seeing each other at dinner tomorrow night, say around 8 o'clock?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, maybe we will. Oh!
Ross Geller: Mona? Okay, if I were a salmon shirt, where would I be?
Mona: I am so sorry I spilled wine all over your shirt.
Mona's Date: Oh, it's okay.
Mona: No, it's still wet. Y'know what? Let me get it out before it sets. Ooh, I have something you can wear. Here.
Mona's Date: Oh umm, I-I don't know if I want to wear a woman's shirt.
Mona: No-no that's a man's shirt.
Mona's Date: It's awfully pink.
Chandler Bing: Oh my God, honey we are so meant to be together. We both have copies of the Annie soundtrack.
Monica Geller: Honey, both yours.
Rachel Green: Hey! Great advice on that Joey thing!
Monica Geller: Yeah? The work problem?
Rachel Green: Oh it was perfect! I mean it really felt like he was my friend again.
Chandler Bing: What problem did you tell him you had?
Rachel Green: Oh that's not important. The point is, I really-I think everything's gonna be okay.
Mr. Zelner: May I help you?
Joey Tribbiani: Do you think you can just buy my friends baby?!
Phoebe Buffay: Isn't it funny how we kept running into each other? It's as if someone really wants us to be together.
Jim: Someone does. Me.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, witty banter. Well done.
Jim: So, tell me a little bit about yourself.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh okay, well I'm a masseuse, and I used to work at this place...
Jim: Do you like to party?
Phoebe Buffay: I-I-I like, I like parties.
Jim: You're wild, aren't ya?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah I guess, a little.
Jim: It ain't no thing, I'm wild too.
Phoebe Buffay: So! Umm, anyway I-I lived in New York, someone wildly I guess, for umm-Well since I was fourteen.
Jim: I'm sorry. I'm staring. It's just that you have the most beautiful eyes.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh stop it.
Jim: And your breasts! Hmm!!!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Umm look, you're coming on a little strong. But I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, because it seems the universe really wants to be together. So, why don't we just start over okay? And you can just tell me about yourself.
Jim: All right.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Jim: I write erotic novels, for children.
Phoebe Buffay: What?!
Jim: They're wildly unpopular.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God!
Jim: Oh also, you might be interested to know that I have a Ph.D.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! You do?
Jim: Yeah, a Pretty Huge...
Phoebe Buffay: All right.
Chandler Bing: The sun'll come out...tomorrow! Bet...your bottom dollar that tomorrow... ...there'll be sun.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey! Oh Joey, honey listen, thank you for talking to my yesterday about that thing with my boss. That really meant a lot.
Joey Tribbiani: Not a problem. Oh, and just so you know, that guy's not going to be bothering you about that baby thing anymore.
Rachel Green: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Let's just say I took care of it.
Rachel Green: Whoa-whoa-whoa, let's say more!
Joey Tribbiani: Don't worry! Don't worry. I just told him, very nicely, "You don't go buying people's babies, so back off!!"
Rachel Green: What?!
Rachel Green: No! No, no-no-no Joey he doesn't want to buy my baby! I made that up!
Joey Tribbiani: What?! Why?!
Rachel Green: So that we would have something to talk about! So it wouldn't be awkward!
Joey Tribbiani: And you couldn't think of anything else?!
Monica Geller: You said your boss wants to buy your baby?!
Rachel Green: I can't believe that you yelled at my boss! I'm-I'm gonna lose my job! What am I going to do?!
Chandler Bing: You can always sell your baby.
Rachel Green: Oh Joey, I can't believe you brought my boss into this! I'm gonna get fired!
Joey Tribbiani: You lied to me!
Rachel Green: Well, she told me too!
Monica Geller: Chandler has two copies of Annie!
Mona: Oh my God! Ross!!!
Ross Geller: Hello!!
Mona: Ross, what are you doing?!
Ross Geller: Not touching myself if that makes anyone less uncomfortable.
Rachel Green: Morning. You wanted to see me?
Mr. Zelner: Please, come in. Have a seat.
Rachel Green: Okay look Mr. Zelner...
Mr. Zelner: Oh I think it's best that I speak first.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Mr. Zelner: I've asked Lee from human resources to be here as a witness to our conversation.
Rachel Green: Oh God.
Mr. Zelner: If I in any way implied that I wanted to buy your baby...I am sorry. Okay? Last week when I asked you when your due date was uh, I certainly did not mean that I felt that I was due your baby. Yeah, I want to be very clear that I understand that its your baby, and it is not mine to purchase.
Rachel Green: Well, as long as we are clear about that.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh there it is.
Monica Geller: That's not your regular dry cleaners.
Phoebe Buffay: I know, but that creep that I went on that date with goes to there so I have to find a new one. I also have to find a new video store, a new bank, a new adult bookstore, a new grocery store...
Monica Geller: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: A new grocery store. The universe said I was going to meet a nice guy and that's what they gave me? When I get up there I'm going to kick some ass.
Monica Geller: Don't worry Phoebe, you're gonna meet someone. If I can meet a great guy, so can you.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, we both can. And we both will.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you didn't have to come in with me.
Monica Geller: Are you kidding? This is where they get out stains! Okay? This is like Disneyland for me. I'm-I'm gonna be over here watching the dance of the clean shirts.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Guy: Oh, excuse me! I think you dropped s... Wow!
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Guy: I'm sorry, it's just that you're so incredibly beautiful.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah well, I'm sorry about that too, but what are you going to do?
Guy: I hope you don't think I'm crazy but I feel like I was meant to pick this up, do you believe in that kind of thing?
Phoebe Buffay: A little. Now you're talking.
Guy: Would you like to go out and have a cup of coffee?
Phoebe Buffay: I-I-I'd love to. Let me just tell my friend.
Monica Geller: Ooh, an ink stain! Hey, can I watch how you get this out?
Phoebe Buffay: She must've left.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Joey Tribbiani: So? What-what-what happened?
Rachel Green: It's all gonna be okay. They're just so happy that I'm not suing them that they gave me one extra month paid maternity leave. So long as I understand that the money should not construed as a down payment on this or any other child I should bear.
Chandler Bing: Wow, Ralph Lauren is really going out of there way to show they're not in the baby buying business.
Rachel Green: Chandler, can you give us a minute?
Chandler Bing: Oh I'm sorry, you're kicking me out of my own living room?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: I'll be in there.
Rachel Green: Joey, I'm really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things...
Joey Tribbiani: I know. I know.
Rachel Green: It kinda worked. I mean y'know, I don't know about you buy I haven't thought about our thing since all this.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey you're right. Yeah, it's kinda been like us again a little bit.
Rachel Green: Yeah I know! I miss that.
Joey Tribbiani: Me too. I mean I...haven't thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn't feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward.
Rachel Green: My gynecologist tried to kill me.
Ross Geller: Item J437-A, color: winterberry. Hi umm, listen come here, come in. I'm so-so sorry about yesterday. I-I'm really sorry. It's just that I...
Mona: Listen Ross, you don't have to apologize. I understand why you were there.
Ross Geller: You do?
Mona: Yeah, you still have feelings for me. And-and to be honest, I-I still have feelings for you. And I wish that we can work it out Ross, but we can't. It's too complicated with you and Rachel and the baby, I-I just... It just wasn't meant to be.
Ross Geller: Oh God you're right.
Mona: Ross, we...we have to be strong. Okay, I-I'm gonna go. Can I? To remember you?
Ross Geller: No.


Phoebe Buffay: Oh, Ross, Mon, is it okay if I bring someone to your parent's anniversary party?
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Sure. Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: So, who's the guy?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, his name is Parker and I met him at the drycleaners.
Chandler Bing: Oooh, did he put a little starch in your bloomers? Who said that?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, he's really great though. He has this incredible zest for life, and he treats me like a queen, except at night when he treats me like the naughty girl I am.
Monica Geller: Oh, by the way. Would it be okay if I gave the toast to mom and dad this year?
Ross Geller: Uh, yeah, you sure you want to after what happened at their 20th?
Monica Geller: Yeah, I'd really like to.
Ross Geller: Okay, hopefully this time mom won't boo you.
Monica Geller: Yes! Every year Ross makes the toast, and it's always really moving, and always makes them cry. Well this year I'm going to make them cry.
Chandler Bing: And you wonder why Ross is their favorite?
Monica Geller: No! Really! Any time Ross makes a toast everyone cries, and hugs him, and pats him on the back and they all come up to me and say, "God, your brother." Know what they'll say this year? "God, you"
Joey Tribbiani: Well I can promise you, at least one person will be crying. I'm an actor, and any actor worth himself can cry on cue.
Monica Geller: Really you can do that?
Joey Tribbiani: Are you kidding me? Watch! Well I can't do it with you guys watching me!
Chandler Bing: What are you doing?
Monica Geller: Oh I'm working on my toast for the party, or as I like to call it. Sob fest 2002. Hey check this out.
Chandler Bing: It's a dog.
Monica Geller: It's a dead dog. That's Chi-Chi; she died when I was in high school.
Chandler Bing: It's your parents' anniversary and you're going to talk about their dead pet?
Monica Geller: The good stuff, huh?
Rachel Green: Hi!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Monica Geller: You got a present for my parents. That's so sweet.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah, in honor of their 35th wedding anniversary, I had a star named after them.
Ross Geller: Aww that is so cool.
Joey Tribbiani: And I got them a book on Karma Sutra for the elderly.
Rachel Green: Hey, do you guys have any extra ribbon?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, sure. What do you need? We got lace, satin, sateen, raffia, gingham, felt, and I think my testacles may be in here too.
Ross Geller: Aww! Chi-Chi! Oh, I loved this dog! Y'know Monica couldn't get braces because Chi-Chi needed knee surgery.
Monica Geller: What?!
Ross Geller: You were the 200-pound 11-year-old who rode her!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Everyone: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: Everybody, this is Parker, Parker this is...
Parker: No, no, no wait! Don't tell me. Let me guess. Joey, Monica, Ross, Rachel and, I'm sorry Phoebe didn't mention you. Chandler, I'm kidding all ready you're my favorite!
Chandler Bing: Ha!
Parker: Why don't all of you tell me a little about your self?
Ross Geller: Ah, actually, I'm sorry we-we probably should get going.
Parker: Classic Ross. Rachel, Rachel, oh how you glow. May I?
Rachel Green: I, uh, think you already are.
Parker: Rachel, you have life growing inside you. Is there anything in this world more miraculous than-Oh a picture of a dog! Whose is this?
Monica Geller: That's my old dog. He passed away years ago.
Parker: Oh well, at least you were lucky to have him. Bow-wow old friend, bow-wow. So where's the party?
Monica Geller: It's out on the island. It's in Massapequa.
Parker: Maaaassapequa, Sounds Like A Magical Place. Tell Me About Massapequa, Is It Steep In Native American History?
Ross Geller: Well, there is an Arby's in the shape of a tee-pee.
Monica Geller: Okay, I got my note cards. Do you got the presents?
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Monica Geller: And I've got the car keys.
Parker: We're driving!?
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Parker: Aces!
Ross Geller: So uh, he seems like a nice guy.
Rachel Green: Yeah, yeah I like him a lot.
Ross Geller: Ya wanna hang back and take our own cab?
Rachel Green: Yeah, otherwise I'm not going.
Ross Geller: Hi! Hey mom.
Rachel Green: This is such a great party! 35 years. Very impressive, do you guys have any pearls of wisdom?
Judy Geller: Jack?
Jack Geller: Why would you serve food on such a sharp stick?
Ross Geller: That's a good question, dad. That's a good question...
Rachel Green: Hmmm...
Woman: Congratulations you two!
Rachel Green: Thank you...we're so excited!
Woman: And also, congratulations on your wedding.
Ross Geller: Wha-What?
Judy Geller: Can we talk to you for just a y'know... It's just a little thing. Well we think it's absolutely marvelous that you're having this baby out of wedlock, some of our friends are less open-minded. Which is why we've told them all that you're married.
Judy Geller: Thanks for going along with this.
Ross Geller: Dad so what we have to pretend that we're married?
Jack Geller: Son, I had to shave my ears for tonight. You can do this.
Ross Geller: Can you believe that?
Rachel Green: Yeah, if you're going to do the ears, you might as well take a pass at the nosal area.
Ross Geller: No, us having to lie about being married.
Rachel Green: No, I know I don't either, but ya know what, it's their party, and it's just one night. And we don't even have to lie; we just won't say anything. If it comes up again, we'll just...smile. We'll nod along.
Woman: Ross!
Man: Rachel!
Ross Geller: Hi Aunt Lisa, Uncle Dan.
Aunt Lisa: Congratulations on the baby, and on the wedding!
Uncle Dan: Here's a little something to get you started.
Rachel Green: Oh...
Aunt Lisa: So, how's married life treating you?
Rachel Green: Unbelievable!
Ross Geller: We love marriage!
Aunt Lisa: Great!
Ross Geller: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Parker: What a beautiful place. What a great night! I have to tell you, being here with all of you in Event Room C...I feel so lucky. I think of all the good times that have happened here. The birthdays, the proms, the mitzvahs both bar and bat, but none of them will compare with tonight! My God, I don't want to forget this moment! It's like I want to take a mental picture of you all! Click!
Chandler Bing: I don't think the flash went off.
Parker: Dahaaa! I'm going to find the men's room, be right back.
Phoebe Buffay: I'll go with you
Parker: Come on!
Chandler Bing: Somewhere there is someone with a tranquilizer gun and a huge butterfly net looking for that man.
Joey Tribbiani: I have to go to the bathroom too, but I don't want him complimenting my thing.
Ross Geller: I'm so we weren't in the car! Did he ever let up?
Monica Geller: He called the Long Island Expressway a concrete miracle.
Ross Geller: This room! This night! That waiter! His shoes! I must take a mental picture! Ooh sorry...
Phoebe Buffay: Were you guys making fun of Parker?
Ross Geller: That depends, how much did you hear?
Phoebe Buffay: So, he a little enthusiastic, what's wrong with that?
Monica Geller: It's just that, it's so much.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, so what I like him! Do I make fun of the people you've dated? Tag, Janice, Mona? No, because friends don't do that. But, do you want my opinion? Do you want it? 'Cause in my opinion, your collective dating record reads like the who's who of human crap.
Monica Geller: I feel terrible.
Joey Tribbiani: I know.
Ross Geller: What was wrong with Mona?
Rachel Green: Open it! Open it! Open it!
Ross Geller: Yeah baby!
Man: So we never got to hear about your wedding!
Woman: We were surprise that we weren't invited.
Ross Geller: No, no, it was just our parents and 1 or 2 friends. It was a small wedding.
Rachel Green: But it was beautiful. I mean it was small, but kind of spectacular.
Man: Where did you have it?
Rachel Green: On a cliff, in Barbados, at sunset, and Stevie Wonder sang Isn't She Lovely as I walked down the aisle.
Woman: Really?
Rachel Green: Yeah, Stevie's an old family friend.
Woman: Oh my God. That sounds amazing. I would love to see pictures.
Rachel Green: So would I. You wouldn't think that Annie Liebawitz would forget to put film in the camera.
Ross Geller: Would you excuse us for a second? Umm... what are you doing?
Rachel Green: What? I'm not you. This may be the only wedding I ever have. I want it to be amazing.
Ross Geller: Okay, okay. Ooooh, ooh maybe I rode in on a Harley.
Rachel Green: Okay, Ross, it has to be realistic.
Parker: Are you okay? You seem kind of quiet.
Phoebe Buffay: No, I'm fine. I'm great. I'm with you.
Parker: And I'm with you! What a great time to be alive! Look at this plate-bouncy thing. What an inspired solution to man's plate dispensing problems.
Phoebe Buffay: Hm huh, yeah.
Parker: Ah! Oysters! Let me feed you one.
Phoebe Buffay: No, that's not necessary.
Parker: Please.
Phoebe Buffay: No, actually I don't eat...
Parker: I won't quit until you try.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, fine! Fine! Mmm...hmmmmm...
Parker: What are they like? I've never had one.
Phoebe Buffay: Why don't you just try one?
Parker: No, they look too weird.
Chandler Bing: What are you doin'?
Monica Geller: Just going over my toast. Those two will never know what hit 'em. I can't wait. They're going to be crying so hard. They're going to be fighting for breath.
Chandler Bing: Ya know if you want to, I can just hold them down and you could .
Rachel Green: And my veil was lace, made by blind, Belgium nuns.
Woman: Blind?
Rachel Green: Well, not at first, but it was very intricate work and they said even though they lost their sight, it was all worth it.
Aunt Lisa: I'll bet you looked beautiful...
Rachel Green: Well, I don't know about that, but some said that I looked like a floating angel.
Woman: So, how did you propose?
Rachel Green: Oh yeah. That's a great story.
Ross Geller: Well, um, actually, I-I took her to the planetarium. That's-that's where we had our first date. Um, she walked in and I had the room filled with lilies, her favorite flower...
Aunt Lisa: Oh that is so sweet!
Rachel Green: Shhh! I want to hear the rest!
Ross Geller: Then, Fred Astaire singing The Way You Look Tonight came on the sound system, and the lights came down. And I got down on one knee and written across the dome in the stars were the words "Will you marry me?"
Rachel Green: And the ring, was the size of my fist !
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah uh, Phoebe! Look umm, I want to apologize about before, okay? We were being jerks. Parker's a nice guy and I'd like to get to know him.
Phoebe Buffay: Then you better do it now.
Joey Tribbiani: Why?
Phoebe Buffay: Because I'm going to kill him
Joey Tribbiani: What-what?
Phoebe Buffay: You guys were right. He's just too excited about...everything. I mean I'm all for living life, but this is the Geller's 35th anniversary. Okay? Let's call a spade a spade this party stinks.
Joey Tribbiani: I know I'm having the worst time. There was a 15-minute line for the buffet, and when I finally got up to the plates, I slipped on a giant booger!
Phoebe Buffay: Are you sure it wasn't an oyster?
Joey Tribbiani: I guess it could've been, I didn't really look at it. Y'know, I just wiped it on Chandler's coat and got the hell out of there.
Phoebe Buffay: He's just such a great guy I'm so excited about him.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh hey, you should be excited about him. There's nothing wrong with him he's a good guy.
Phoebe Buffay: You think?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Ya know what I think; I think we were all just being too negative.
Phoebe Buffay: You're right. You're right, he's just embracing life. We could all stand to be a little more like Parker. You know what? I am like him! I'm a sunny, positive person.
Joey Tribbiani: Actually, you have a little bit of an edge.
Phoebe Buffay: What's that now?
Joey Tribbiani: Nothing...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh look it's Parker!
Parker: Look! It's the bunny hop!
Phoebe Buffay: Oooh I love it!
Parker: You do?!
Phoebe Buffay: Are you kidding? People acting like animals to music. Come on!
Monica Geller: Okay it's time for the toast! Umm now-now, I know that Ross usually gives the toast, but this year I'm going to do it.
Monica Geller: No, no it's going to be great. Really! Mom, Dad, when I got married, one of the things that made me sure I could do it was the amazing example the two of you set for me. For that and so many other things I want to say thank you. I know I probably don't say it enough, but I love you. When I look around this room, I'm-I'm saddened by the thought of those who could not be here with us. Nana, my beloved grandmother who would so want to be here, but she can't because she's dead. As is our dog Chi-Chi. I mean look how cute she is. . Was. Do me a favor and pass this to my parents. Remember she's dead. Okay, her and Nana, gone. Wow! Hey does anybody remember when Debra Winger had to say goodbye to her children in Terms of Endearment? Didn't see that? No movie fans?! You want to hear something sad? The other day I was watching 60 Minutes these orphans in Romania, who have been so neglected, they were incapable of love. You people are made of stone! Here's to mom and dad! Whatever!
Judy Geller: Thank you Monica that was uh, interesting. Wasn't it interesting, Jack?
Jack Geller: Why don't I remember this dog?
Judy Geller: Ross, why don't you give us your toast now?
Ross Geller: Oh, no, Mom, it's just Monica this year.
Judy Geller: You're not going to say anything? On our 35th wedding anniversary?
Ross Geller: No, of course, Um... Um, everybody? Um, I-I just wanted to say...on behalf of my new bride, Rachel , and myself. Umm, that if...if in 35 years, we're half as happy as you guys are, we'll count ourselves the luckiest people in the world.
Judy Geller: Oh Ross...
Jack Geller: I just wish Nana were alive to hear Ross's toast.
Parker: My God what a fantastically well lit hallway!
Phoebe Buffay: Can I get you something to drink? Like a water and Valium?
Parker: I must say this apartment, its, its, There are no words...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh thank God.
Parker: It's a haven. A third-floor paradise. A modern-day Eden in the midst...
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? I know! I know! Uh huh? Listen why don't we just um, sit and relax? You know just be with each other. Quietly!
Parker: That sounds great. My God this is the most comfortable couch I've ever sat on in my entire life.
Phoebe Buffay: Let's try something else, let's play a game.
Parker: I love games!
Phoebe Buffay: Shocking! Let's play the game of who can stay quiet the longest.
Parker: Or...Jenga.
Phoebe Buffay: But, let's play this one first. And remember whoever talks first loses!
Parker: I lose, now Jenga.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Oh my God!
Parker: Is something wrong?
Phoebe Buffay: Wrong? Really? You know the word wrong. Everything isn't perfect? Everything isn't magical? Everything isn't a glow with the light of a million fairies? They were just brake lights, Parker!
Parker: Well, excuse me for putting a good spin on a traffic jam!
Phoebe Buffay: You don't have to put a good spin on everything.
Parker: I'm sorry that's who I am. I'm a positive person.
Phoebe Buffay: No! I am a positive person. You are like Santa Clause on Prozac, at Disneyland, getting laid!
Parker: So what do you want me to do, you want me to be more negative, less happy?
Phoebe Buffay: Much less happy!
Parker: Fine! Well then to quote Ross, "I'd better be going."
Phoebe Buffay: So long! Don't let the best door in the world hit you in the ass on your way out!
Parker: Isn't this the most incredible fight you've ever had in your entire life?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh huh.
Ross Geller: ...and then, we could've gone from the ceremony to the reception with you in the sidecar!
Rachel Green: Ross, it just wouldn't have been feasible.
Ross Geller: But having a dove place the ring on your finger would've been no problem?
Rachel Green: It was really fun being married to you tonight.
Ross Geller: Yeah! And! And, it was the easiest 400 bucks I've ever made.
Rachel Green: Okay Ross, can I uh, can I ask you something?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: That proposal, at the planetarium...
Ross Geller: I know, I know it was stupid.
Rachel Green: Are you kidding?! With the, with the lilies, and-and the song, and the stars! It was...really wonderful! Did you just make that up?
Ross Geller: No, actually I thought about it when, when we were going out. It's how I imagined I uh, I would ask you to marry me.
Rachel Green: Well, that would've been very hard to say no too.
Ross Geller: It's a good thing I didn't do it, because it sounds like it would've been a very expensive wedding. Okay, good night.
Rachel Green: Goodnight.
Ross Geller: Even if the sidecar had a windscreen so your hair wouldn't get messed up?
Rachel Green: I will think about it.
Ross Geller: That's all I'm askin'.
Monica Geller: Okay that's it. I give up. At mom and dad's 40th anniversary, you're the one giving the speech.
Ross Geller: Y'know I don't understand why they didn't cry. It was a beautiful speech.
Monica Geller: Oh, come on.
Ross Geller: Hey! All that stuff you said about true love, you were right, I mean, we did learn a lot from Mom and Dad! And that picture of Chi-Chi with her mischievous grin. And what you said about Nana. Ohh, yeah she really would've wanted to be there. And you know what? I think she was.
Monica Geller: Oh good God, Ross! How the hell do you do it?


Rachel Green: Hi!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: So, I'm in my apartment doing the Soap Opera Digest crossword puzzle, and guess who the clue is for three down.
Joey Tribbiani: Three down, Days Of Our Lives star blank Tribbiani. That's me!! I'm blank!!
Monica Geller: How cool is this?! We know three down! I'm touching three down!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah you are baby.
Monica Geller: Three down knows I'm married, what's three down doin'?
Rachel Green: So did they call you to tell you your name's gonna be in this?
Joey Tribbiani: No. They really like me over there. They want to do a big profile on me, but I said no.
Ross Geller: Why'd you say no?
Joey Tribbiani: Remember what happened the last time I did an interview for them? I said I write a lot of my own lines, and then the writers got mad and made my character fall down the elevator shaft. So who knows what I might say this time.
Chandler Bing: If only there was something in your head to control the things you say.
Rachel Green: Oh, come on Joey! You will totally keep it in check this time, and plus y'know the publicity would be really good for your career! And you deserve that! And if you do the interview you can mention, oh I don't know, gal pal Rachel Green?
Chandler Bing: Is that gal pal spelled L-O-S-E-R?
Rachel Green: Okay, don't listen to him. Please?
Joey Tribbiani: Fine! All right, I'll do it. But hey! You guys have to be at the next table so you can stop me if I y'know, start to say something stupid.
Ross Geller: Just then or-or all the time, 'cause we-we have jobs y'know.
Rachel Green: Come on! We will be there for you the whole time! Just remember gal pal Rachel Green. Ha-ha! I'm gonna be in Soap Opera Digest! And not just in the dumb crossword puzzle. Seriously, proud of you.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
The Interviewer: I really appreciate you taking the time to do this.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, not at all. Happy to do it.
Monica Geller: You think we're being obvious?
Chandler Bing: No, we're just four people with neck problems. You talk like this.
The Interviewer: Y'know I think its great you wanted to meet here. Y'know when most people hear the magazine is paying for it they want to go to a big fancy restaurant.
Joey Tribbiani: Actually, I didn't know the magazine was paying for it. Wouldn't have mattered, I'm doing this for the fans, not for the free food.
Gunther: Can I get you anything?
The Interviewer: Umm, I'll have a cup of coffee.
Joey Tribbiani: And I'll have all the muffins.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Ross Geller: Shhh! We're not talking.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Finally! Oh.
The Interviewer: So, according to your bio, you've done quite a bit of work before Days of Our Lives. Anything you're particularly proud of?
Joey Tribbiani: All you want is a dingle/What you envy's a schwang/A thing through which you can tinkle/Or play with, or simply let hang...
Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you said it Mike. Aw! There's got to be a better way!
Mike: And there is Kevin.
Mike: This is the first time he's ever used this product, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. Go ahead. This works with any milk carton.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow, it is easy. Now, I can have milk everyday.
Lauren: So this is it? Victor?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I guess it is. And so... I'm gonna get on this spaceship, and I'm gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you'll be long gone. But I won't have aged at all. So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne... baby...I'm gonna want to meet her.
Joey Tribbiani: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do...so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, you know that's bad for the paper tray.
Chandler Bing: Nice work my friend.
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you. Wait-wait-wait-wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am...
Joey Tribbiani: Well, there are so many things, it's hard to pick just one.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm gonna get some coffee, anyone want anything?
Rachel Green: Oh yeah, I'd actually love a blueberry muffin and a chamomile tea.
Ross Geller: Uh, double latte, extra foam.
Chandler Bing: And a bagel with only...
Phoebe Buffay: I was just being polite!
The Interviewer: Okay, how about when you're not working. What do you do in your spare time?
Joey Tribbiani: Look at this clown! Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. Get out of the way jackass! Who names their boat Coast Guard anyway?
Rachel Green: That is the Coast Guard.
Joey Tribbiani: What are they doing out here? The coast's all the way over there.
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes!
Joey Tribbiani: Dude! What are yo-you trying to kill me?!
Chandler Bing: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much?
Ross Geller: Come on, it's fun!
Chandler Bing: All right! Isn't this a woman's hat?
Joey Tribbiani: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!
Chandler Bing: Y'know what, we have to turn off the porn.
Joey Tribbiani: I think you're right.
Chandler Bing: All right, ready?
Joey Tribbiani: One.
Chandler Bing: Two.
Both: Three.
Joey Tribbiani: That's kinda nice.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, that's kinda a relief.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: You wanna see if we still have it?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: FREE PORN!!!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!!
Chandler Bing: We have free porn here!!!
Joey Tribbiani: In my spare time I uh, read to the blind. And I'm also a mento for the kids. Y'know a mento, a role model.
The Interviewer: A mento...
Joey Tribbiani: Right.
The Interviewer: Like the candy?
Joey Tribbiani: Matter of fact, I do.
The Interviewer: Well umm, another thing our readers always want to know is how our soap stars stay in such great shape. Do you have some kind of fitness regime?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, we stars just try to eat right and get lots of exercise.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour?
Ross Geller: Are you serious?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it.
Ross Geller: Wow! We are pretty good at this!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!
Ross Geller: Hey! We totally forgot about lunch!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! Yeah, my pants are a little loose!
Chandler Bing: What's wrong with you?
Joey Tribbiani: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven't been able to stand up since. But um, I don't think it's anything serious.
Chandler Bing: This sounds like a hernia. You have to-you-you-Go to the doctor!
Joey Tribbiani: No way! 'Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it's gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! Why did I have to start working out again? Damn you 15s!
Rachel Green: It's a trifle. It's got all of these layers. First there's a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch. Then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sauted with peas and onions, then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top!
Ross Geller: It tastes like feet!
Joey Tribbiani: I like it.
Ross Geller: Are you kidding?
Joey Tribbiani: What's not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Goooooood.
Joey Tribbiani: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes-Hey, what was in that brown jar?
Chandler Bing: That's still in there?!
Joey Tribbiani: Not anymore.
Rachel Green: Oh! Yay! Look! There's a piece that doesn't have floor on it!
Chandler Bing: Stick to your side!
Rachel Green: Hey, come on now!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, what are we havin'?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, I don't believe in these crazy diets y'know, just everything in moderation.
Gunther: Your muffins.
Joey Tribbiani: I'll take those to go. For the kids.
The Interviewer: Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you. You were on the show years ago and then they killed you off. What happened there?
Joey Tribbiani: It was so stupid, I said some stuff in an interview that I shouldn't have said. But believe me, that's not gonna happen today.
The Interviewer: Understood. So, what'd you say back then?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I said that I...
Joey Tribbiani: You guys, this is Shelley, she's interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest, and Shelley, this are my friends...
Rachel Green: Hi! I'm gal pal Rachel Green, and if you want the dirt, I'm the one you come too. This might be Joey's baby , who knows? I'm just kidding-Seriously, gal pal Rachel Green.
Ross Geller: Who just lost the respect of her unborn child.
The Interviewer: Umm, I'm gonna just go get this warmed up.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Monica Geller: Joey! You're doing great!
Ross Geller: Yeah, so far nothing stupid.
Chandler Bing: Mento?
Joey Tribbiani: No thanks.
The Interviewer: So, as Joey's friends, is there anything that you guys think our readers ought to know?
Ross Geller: Uh no, no just-just that he is a great guy.
Rachel Green: Yeah, that's gonna get you into Soap Opera Digest. Well I...I would just like to say that Joey truly has enriched the days of our lives.
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, I...I just think you don't expect someone so hot to be so sweet.
The Interviewer: Oh! I like that. What's your name?
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, Phoebe Buffay.
The Interviewer: How do you spell that? So we can get it right.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh okay, it's P as in Phoebe, H as in hoebe, O as in oebe, E as in ebe, B as in bee-bee and E as in 'Ello there mate!
The Interviewer: Great! Well, it was nice meeting all of you.
Ross Geller: Yeah, you too.
Rachel Green: You too!
Chandler Bing: Thanks.
Monica Geller: Bye.
The Interviewer: So it seems like you have a lot of friends, who would you say is your best friend?
Joey Tribbiani: How come you have two?
Chandler Bing: Well this one's for you.
Joey Tribbiani: Get out.
Chandler Bing: No, I can't. No-no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, it's about you and me and the fact that we're best buds.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies.
Chandler Bing: That's what they'll call us.
Rachel Green: Oh, Joey! Sorry!
Joey Tribbiani: No that's all right. Don't worry about it.
Rachel Green: Oh but look! That's gonna leave a stain!
Joey Tribbiani: Rach! Hey! It's fine! You're at Joey's!
Rachel Green: Really?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Look!
Rachel Green: I've never lived like this before.
Joey Tribbiani: I know.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, don't waste it, I mean its still food.
Ross Geller: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and damnit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.
Joey Tribbiani: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. And they're off!
Phoebe Buffay: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge!
Joey Tribbiani: Judge rules, no violation.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohhh.
Joey Tribbiani: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter!
Phoebe Buffay: No!! Hey-hey that's not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an old Wonton!
Joey Tribbiani: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, tough call.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: I'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...
Ross Geller: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?!
Monica Geller: You can't say that!! You-you don't know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn't...bend that way. So...
Joey Tribbiani: That's right I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I'd pee on anyone of you!
Joey Tribbiani: Umm, no. No best friend, no. Just a lot of close friends.
The Interviewer: So umm, now back to the show. How does it feel to have a huge gay fan base?
Joey Tribbiani: Really? Me? Wow! I don't even know any huge gay people!
Chandler Bing: It hurts me. It physically hurts me.
The Interviewer: Now, off the record, you're not...
Joey Tribbiani: What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book!
Ross Geller: Your make-up!
Ross Geller: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we're face to face or-or should I climb down your back so we're-we're butt to face.
Joey Tribbiani: I think face to face.
Ross Geller: I would say that.
Joey Tribbiani: Face to face, yeah!
Ross Geller: Okay, here I go.
Joey Tribbiani: All right.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my... How much do you weigh Ross?!
Ross Geller: I prefer not to answer that right now, I'm still carrying a little holiday weight.
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know, when we talked about face to face, I don't think we thought it all the way through.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Check it out. How much of a man am I?!
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.
Chandler Bing: You're turning into a woman.
Joey Tribbiani: No I'm not. Why would you say that? That's just mean.
Chandler Bing: Now I've upset you? What did I say?
Joey Tribbiani: It's not what you said. It's the way you said it... Oh My God, I'm a woman!!!
Joey Tribbiani: Great nap.
Ross Geller: It really was.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh me? Gay? No! No. No, but I have a number of close friends who are.
The Interviewer: So, let's talk about women. I'm sure our female readers will be interested to know about your romantic life.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you doin'?"
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, please!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, how you doin'?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! How you doin'?
Woman: He has the most amazing Porsche under there!
Joey Tribbiani: I'd love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. She's sleeping. Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink?
Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I'm her sister.
Rachel Green: Oh my God, Jill!
Jill Green: Oh my God, Rachel!
Chandler Bing: Oh my God, introduce us!
Rachel Green: This is Chandler.
Jill Green: Hi!
Rachel Green: And you know Monica and Ross!
Ross Geller: Hi Jill.
Rachel Green: And that's Phoebe , and that's Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, how you doin'?
Rachel Green: Don't!!
Janine: No! I mean you're a really nice guy and I'm happy to be your roommate and your friend, I'm just y'know, I just don't feel that way about you.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on.
Janine: I don't think so.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I do. How you doin?
Janine: I'm okay.
Joey Tribbiani: What?!?! Oh dear God!
Joey Tribbiani: Not much to tell there I'm really shy.
The Interviewer: So, that's it. I guess that's all I need. Thank you so much. I think they will be running this in the beginning of next month.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh great! Great! Thank you.
The Interviewer: Bye.
Joey Tribbiani: Bye-bye. I did it!
Rachel Green: Yeah!
Ross Geller: Amazing! Amazing!
The Interviewer: Oh wait! I almost forgot. We have to ask everybody this. Other than Days of Our Lives, what's your favorite soap opera?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I don't watch soap operas. Excuse me, I have a life, y'know?
The Interviewer: Thank you. The readers at Soap Opera Digest will be happy to hear that.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, good to know. So close!
Rachel Green: Wow! I can't believe they didn't put it in the part where you said you didn't watch soap operas.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I called the lady about that. I told her I was just joking. She was pretty nice about that.
Monica Geller: You slept with her didn't you?
Joey Tribbiani: Little bit, yeah.
Ross Geller: Wow! This picture of you sure is steamy.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, that's just a little something for my huge gay fan base.
Ross Geller: Did you just wink at me?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you're the one that loves the picture.