Monica Geller: Mmh... this cake is amazing!
Rachel Green: My God, get a room!
Monica Geller: I would get a room with this cake. I think I could show this cake a good time!
Phoebe Buffay: If you had to, what would you give up, food or sex?
Monica Geller: Sex!
Chandler Bing: Seriously, answer faster!
Monica Geller: Oh, I'm sorry honey, you know, but when she said "sex" I wasn't thinking about "sex with you"!
Chandler Bing: It's like a giant hug.
Phoebe Buffay: Ross, how about you. What would you give up, sex or food?
Ross Geller: Food.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, how about... uhm... sex or dinosaurs?
Ross Geller: Oh my God. It's like Sophie's Choice.
Rachel Green: Oh God. What about you, Joe? What would you give up, sex or food?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhm... oh... I don't know, it's too hard.
Rachel Green: No, you gotta pick one!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh... food. No, sex. Food! Sex! Food! Se-I don't know! Good God, I don't know, I want girls on bread!
Rachel Green: You gotta see these latest pictures of Emma.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, how cute!
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, she looks just like a little doll!
Rachel Green: Oh, no, no. That is a doll.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, thank God, 'cause that thing's really creepy! Look, there's Chandler.
Rachel Green: Oh. Who is the blonde, she's pretty.
Phoebe Buffay: OH! He's having an affair.
Rachel Green: He's not having an affair!
Phoebe Buffay: You know, I'm always right about these things.
Rachel Green: No, you're not! Last week you thought Ross was trying to kill you!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm sorry but it's hard to believe that anyone would tell a story that dull just to tell it! See, there's something going on with them. Look, he's getting into the car with her!
Rachel Green: Oh, that doesn't mean anything.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah? Well, let's see. Ok, duck down.
Chandler Bing: Hello.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hi Chandler. It's Phoebe. Uhm... I know that Monica is working today so... ...I was wondering if you want to come to the movies with me and Rachel.
Chandler Bing: Oh, uhm... I have to work too. Yeah, I'm stuck at the office all day.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well, it's a shame that you-that you miss the movie 'cause we were gonna see, you know, either "Liar, Liar" or "Betrayal", or... "An Affair To Remember".
Chandler Bing: Those are all really old!
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, then maybe it'll be, uhm...
Rachel Green: "Dude, Where's My Car?"
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Rachel Green: They're in a caaar...
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, we-we'll talk to you later. Okay, bye.
Rachel Green: Geez!
Phoebe Buffay: Ok. Quick. We gotta find a cab and follow them.
Rachel Green: Oh, yeah, ok. Let me just grab my night vision goggles and my stun gun.
Phoebe Buffay: I got them!
Chandler Bing: Hi!
Monica Geller: Hey! You smell like perfume and cigarettes.
Chandler Bing: I was in the car with Nancy all day.
Monica Geller: Nancy doesn't smoke!
Chandler Bing: Well, at least the perfume is not mine, be thankful for that!
Monica Geller: So? What do you think of the house?
Chandler Bing: It's perfect. It's everything we've been looking for.
Monica Geller: Isn't it? Then what about the amazing wainscotting and the crown molding and the dormer windows in the attic?
Chandler Bing: And the wiggle wharms and the zip zorps? What were the things you said?
Monica Geller: Don't you love the huge yard?
Chandler Bing: And the fireplace in the bedroom.
Monica Geller: And Nancy said that it's really under price, because the guy lost his job and has to move in with his parents!
Chandler Bing: This is bringing out a lovely color in you!
Monica Geller: So? Do you think we should get it?
Chandler Bing: I don't know. What do you think?
Monica Geller: I think we should.
Chandler Bing: I do too.
Monica Geller: This is huge!
Chandler Bing: I know.
Monica Geller: How bad you wanna smoke, right now.
Chandler Bing: I don't know what you mean, giant talking cigarette! Oh, by the way, Phoebe called just as I was getting into Nancy's car, so if she asks you, I was at work all day.
Monica Geller: Gotcha. When do we tell them about this?
Chandler Bing: We don't. Not until it's a hundred percent. I mean, why upset everybody over nothing.
Monica Geller: Okay. Right. Oh my God that is gonna be so hard.
Chandler Bing: I know. Gooooood luck with it.
Ross Geller: I just can't see Chandler cheating!
Rachel Green: I'm telling you guys, we followed them out to a house in Westchester, the went in for like forty-five minutes and then they came out looking pretty happy!
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler? Forty-five minutes? Well, something is not right. I just can't believe he would do this to Monica!
Ross Geller: I know, and with the baby coming?
Phoebe Buffay: So, should we tell her?
Ross Geller: I don't know. Phoebe, if one of us saw Mike with another woman would you want us to tell you?
Phoebe Buffay: Why? Who'd you seen him with?
Ross Geller: No one, I'm just saying if...
Phoebe Buffay: TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!
Ross Geller: I know nothing! Mike's a great guy, it was hypothetical!
Phoebe Buffay: All right. . He is a good guy. You're right, he wouldn't cheat.
Ross Geller: Believe me, if I did see with someone, there's no way I...
Phoebe Buffay: WHO DID YOU SEE HIM WITH?
Rachel Green: Oh, look at her, so happy!
Monica Geller: If only there were a smaller one to clean this one!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, is uhm... is Chandler here?
Monica Geller: No, he's picking up dinner, why, what's up?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, look, whatever happens, we're here for you and we love you.
Monica Geller: All right...
Ross Geller: We think Chandler might be having an affair.
Monica Geller: What?
Rachel Green: Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street and then we followed them to a house in Westchester.
Phoebe Buffay: They went in together. So sorry.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! Oh my God that's awful! What did you think of the house?
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Monica, you understand what we are saying, right?
Monica Geller: Yeah, sure... uhm, I'm devastated, obviously... Did you think the neighborhood was homey?
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: You son of a bitch!
Chandler Bing: Is it me, or have the greetings gone downhill around here?
Monica Geller: Phoebe and Rachel saw you with Nancy today and... em... they think you're having an affair.
Rachel Green: Who's Nancy?
Ross Geller: What's going on?
Monica Geller: Ok, alright, you guys, you'd better sit down, this is pretty big.
Chandler Bing: Yeah I'm not having an affair. Nancy is our realtor.
Joey Tribbiani: I knew he couldn't be with a woman for 45 minutes!!
Phoebe Buffay: Why do you have a realtor?
Monica Geller: Uhm, she has been showing us houses outside of the city.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Rachel Green: Are you serious?
Monica Geller: When we found out that we're gonna get this baby, Chandler and I started talking and we decided that we didn't want to raise a kid in the city.
Phoebe Buffay: So you're gonna move?
Ross Geller: Oh my God.
Joey Tribbiani: Shouldn't we all vote on stuff like this?!
Rachel Green: What is wrong with raising a kid in the city? I'm doing it, Ross is doing it, Sarah Jessica Parker is doing it!
Monica Geller: And that's great for you guys, but we want a lawn and a swingset...
Chandler Bing: ...and a street where our kids can ride their bikes and maybe an ice-cream truck can go by.
Ross Geller: So you wanna buy a house in the 50's?
Phoebe Buffay: Have you thought about what you would be giving up? You can't move out of the city, what if you want Chinese food at 5am? Or a fake Rolex that breaks as soon as it rains or an Asian hooker sent right to your door?
Ross Geller: You know what, if you wanna look for a house, that's okay.
Joey Tribbiani: No, no, it's not, don't listen to him! I'm gonna thump you!
Ross Geller: It's ok, because they have to get it out of their system, okay , but you're going to realize, this is the only place, you wanna be.
Chandler Bing: Actually, we already found a house we love.
Ross Geller: What?
Monica Geller: And about an hour ago, we made an offer.
Chandler Bing: Bet you wish I was having an affair now, huh? TIME LAPSE.
Ross Geller: You put an offer on a house?
Monica Geller: It's so sweet. It really is. It has this big yard that leads down to this stream and then there's these old maple trees...
Phoebe Buffay: Wha..? Again with the nature, what are you? Beavers?
Chandler Bing: I know this is really hard and we're really sorry.
Joey Tribbiani: Is this because I come over here without knocking and eat your food? Because I can stop doing that, I really, really think I can!
Chandler Bing: You know that's not the reason Joe.
Monica Geller: We think if you saw it, you'd understand. I mean you guys were there. It is beautiful, isn't it?
Rachel Green: Yeah it is.
Joey Tribbiani: What the hell are you doin'?
Rachel Green: Well, it is, all right? When we were out there today, all I kept thinking was: I can't believe Chandler is screwing this woman, but MAN this would be a nice place to live!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but so is this.
Ross Geller: Yeah, I mean, if you moved there, you have to leave here. I mean, how can you leave this place?
Rachel Green: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! All of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I don't want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying that I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!
Ross Geller: You can see where he'd have trouble.
Rachel Green: Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
Monica Geller: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica...
Ross Geller: That money is mine, Green!
Rachel Green: You're fly is open, Geller!
Phoebe Buffay: You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence?
Chandler Bing: Hey, that's...'joincidence' with a 'C'!
Phoebe Buffay: Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.
Rachel Green: Ow, that had to hurt!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, it's your Thanksgiving too, y'know, instead of watching football, you could help.
The Guys: We will.
Monica Geller: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmallows in concentric circles.
Rachel Green: No Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this.
Monica Geller: Every year.
Joey Tribbiani: It's stuck!!!
Phoebe Buffay: Easy. Step. How did it get on?
Joey Tribbiani: I put it on to scare Chandler!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Monica's gonna totally freak out!
Joey Tribbiani: It smells really bad in here.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, of course it smells really bad. You have your head inside a turkey's ass!
Monica Geller: Hey, did you get the turkey bast-Oh my God! Oh my God! Who is that?
Joey Tribbiani: It's Joey.
Monica Geller: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster?
Rachel Green: Oooohh that's interesting.
Chandler Bing: If you win, we give up the birds.
Joey Tribbiani: Dah!!
Chandler Bing: But if we win, we get your apartment.
Joey Tribbiani: Oooooh!
Monica Geller: Deal! TIME LAPSE.
Ross Geller: What was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?
Joey Tribbiani: Big fat goalie.
Ross Geller: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie...
Chandler Bing: Dangerous Liaisons.
Ross Geller: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is...
Joey Tribbiani: Weekend at Bernie's.
Ross Geller: Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?
Joey Tribbiani: Everyday use.
Chandler Bing: Fancy.
Joey Tribbiani: Guest.
Chandler Bing: Fancy guest.
Ross Geller: Two seconds...
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, 11!
Ross Geller: 11, unbelievable, 11 is correct.
Ross Geller: Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast?
Rachel Green: 14?
Ross Geller: No, 19.
Chandler Bing: Thanks man.
Ross Geller: Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was?
Monica Geller: Maurice.
Ross Geller: Correct, his profession was?
Rachel Green: Space cowboy!
Ross Geller: Correct! What is Chandler Bing's job?
Rachel Green: Ow...Oh Gosh!
Ross Geller: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.
Monica Geller: It's umm, it has something to do with transponding.
Rachel Green: Oh-oh-oh, he's a transponce-transpondster!
Monica Geller: That's not even a word!
Monica Geller: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! TIME LAPSE.
Rachel Green: Y'know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, don't get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes!
Rachel Green: That is not true. She did! She forced me!
Monica Geller: Hey, we would still be living here if hadn't gotten the question wrong!
Rachel Green: Well it stupid, unfair question!
Ross Geller: Don't blame the questions!
Chandler Bing: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us!
Ross Geller: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here!
Chandler Bing: Wow! Listen, we had a good run. You know, what was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then!
Monica Geller: Hey Ross. What's up bro?
Ross Geller: What the hell are doing?!!
Rachel Green: Hey, what's-what's going on?!
Chandler Bing: Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica.
Joey Tribbiani: Dude! He's right there!
Ross Geller: I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this!
Chandler Bing: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her.
Monica Geller: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but iit-t's true, I love him too.
Ross Geller: My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this.
Monica Geller: Well, this is the last box of your clothes. I'm just gonna label it, "What were you thinking?"
Rachel Green: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, you guys, I don't mean to make things worse, but umm, I don't want to live with Rachel anymore.
Phoebe Buffay: You're just so mean to each other! And I don't want to end up like that with Rachel. I still like you!
Rachel Green: Well, Phoebe that's fine because I'm not moving.
Monica Geller: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Phoebe you gotta take her! Y'know, I-I-I said some really bad stuff about her, but y'know Rachel has some good qualities that make her a good roommate. She gets tons of catalogs and umm, she'll fold down the pages of the things she thinks that I'd like.
Phoebe Buffay: What else?
Monica Geller: When I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror.
Rachel Green: Yeah, I do. I-I do, do that.
Phoebe Buffay: That's nice. I like having things to read in the bathroom.
Monica Geller: When I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a blanket.
Rachel Green: Well y'know, I don't want you to be cold.
Monica Geller: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave. And I have to live with a boy!! TIME LAPSE.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Monica Geller: She really left.
Chandler Bing: I know.
Monica Geller: Thank you.
Chandler Bing: No problem roomie.
Monica Geller: Can I ask you a question?
Chandler Bing: Sure!
Monica Geller: What the hell is that dog doing here?!
Chandler Bing: Little toast here. I know this isn't exactly the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.
Everyone: That's so sweet.
Ross Geller: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.
Rachel Green: And a crappy New Year.
Chandler Bing: Here, here!
Rachel Green: You can't move. You just... you just can't.
Joey Tribbiani: Rachel's right. This is where you guys belong.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, you don't wanna live in Westchester. That's like the worst of the Chesters.
Ross Geller: You know, sometimes when I'm alone in my apartment, I look over here and you guys... are just having dinner or... watching TV or something, but... it makes me feel better. And now when I look over, who am I gonna see? The Gottliebs, the Yangs? They don't make me feel so good.
Rachel Green: Yeah. So don't move, okay? Just stay here and... maybe close your blinds at night.
Chandler Bing: Hello? It's Nancy, they responded to our offer.
Monica Geller: And?
Chandler Bing: Okay, thanks... They passed. They said they wouldn't go a penny under the asking price.
Monica Geller: We can't afford that.
Chandler Bing: I know.
Monica Geller: Well, there you go.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm really sorry you guys.
Ross Geller: Yeah. I'm sorry too. I'm even more sorry that that phone call didn't come before I told you about looking through the window.
Rachel Green: Yeah, we're gonna let you be alone.
Phoebe Buffay: You're gonna be okay?
Monica Geller: Yeah, we'll be okay.
Ross Geller: Love you guys.
Joey Tribbiani: You know, I'm really sorry I wasn't more supportive before.
Chandler Bing: That's okay, we understand.
Joey Tribbiani: And about this Nancy thing... If you're not sleeping with her, should I?
Monica Geller: I know there'll be other houses, but it's just so... I love that one so much.
Chandler Bing: Yeah... Well, it's a good thing we got it then.
Monica Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: We got the house.
Monica Geller: Oh my God!
Chandler Bing: I just didn't want to tell you in front of them.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! My God! We've got the house !?
Chandler Bing: We're getting the house. We're getting the house.
Monica Geller: And a baby...
Chandler Bing: We're growing up.
Monica Geller: We sure are.
Chandler Bing: So who's gonna tell them?
Monica Geller: Not it!
Chandler Bing: Not it! Damn it!
Monica Geller: Rachel, this is yours.
Rachel Green: Aah! Why? What are these for?
Chandler Bing: You'll see.
Monica Geller: All right, everybody open them!
Rachel Green: Ooh! Oh wow this is so beautiful.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! These are the ones I was looking at in the store.
Monica Geller: I know.
Ross Geller: I love this.
Joey Tribbiani: A meatball Sub? Thanks!
Ross Geller: Seriously you guys, what's going on? What are these for?
Chandler Bing: Well, I didn't know how to tell you before, but... We got the house.
Monica Geller: Enjoy!
Joey Tribbiani: What did they say?


Joey Tribbiani: Hey guys!
Monica Geller: Hey, let me tell them!
Joey Tribbiani: Sure.
Monica Geller: Joey is gonna be a celebrity guest on a game show!
Phoebe Buffay: Great!
Ross Geller: Really? Which one?
Monica Geller: Ohh! Fish, seaweed, a sunken ship.
Ross Geller: Things you find in the ocean, You're gonna be on "Pyramid"!!
Monica Geller: Oh, that was our favourite game show ever!
Ross Geller: Except for "Match game"...
Monica Geller: Or "Win, Lose or Draw".
Chandler Bing: What did I marry into?
Joey Tribbiani: Would you guys want to come down tomorrow and watch me tape the show?
Monica Geller: Oh, I can't. We're throwing Phoebe a bachelorette party.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, sorry boys, this ride's closing.
Ross Geller: Oh, and Chandler and I have this stupid college alumni thing. I can't believe you get to meet Donny Osmond.
Joey Tribbiani: Seriously?
Ross Geller: Yeah-uh!
Monica Geller: Ross and I always wanted to be Donny and Marie.
Chandler Bing: You guys just keep getting cooler and cooler!
Monica Geller: Yeah, we used to perform for our family and friends.
Rachel Green: Oh God, that's right. I blocked that out.
Monica Geller: "I'm a little bit country"...
Ross Geller: "...and I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll"!
Chandler Bing: I'm leaving you.
Ross Geller: So weird to see all these people again... Oh my God, look, there's Geoffrey Cleric.
Chandler Bing: Who?
Ross Geller: He was roommates with John Rosoff. He went out with Andrea Tamburino. She dumped him for Michael Skloff.
Chandler Bing: Did I go to this school?
Ross Geller: Hey, there's Missy Goldberg. You gotta remember her.
Chandler Bing: Sure, nice.
Ross Geller: Dude. You're married to my sister.
Chandler Bing: You're right, by saying "nice" I'm virtually licking her.
Ross Geller: Hey, I hear she's single again, d'you think I should ask her out?
Chandler Bing: Are you asking permission to break the pact?
Ross Geller: Yes please.
Ross Geller: Hey. Hey, check out the flyers for the band. I made 'em on a Macintosh in the computer room!
Chandler Bing: Awesome, the name really stands out.
Ross Geller: Thanks to a little something called "Helvetica Bold 24 point"!
Chandler Bing: Man, we're gonna rock that Asian student union!
Missy Goldberg: Hey guys!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey, Missy...
Chandler Bing: You know, our band is playing on Friday.
Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah. You should come check us out. We're called "Way! No Way!".
Missy Goldberg: No way!
Missy Goldberg: Right. I'll be there.
Chandler Bing: Fresh!
Ross Geller: Boss!
Chandler Bing: Mint!
Ross Geller: She's gone.
Chandler Bing: I know it. You know, I'm totally gonna ask her out.
Ross Geller: Dude, I was gonna ask her out.
Chandler Bing: I said it first, bro.
Ross Geller: Well, I thought it first, Holmes.
Chandler Bing: Look, if you did...
Ross Geller: Woha! Wait... What are we doing? What we have is too important to mess it up over some girl. I mean, we can get laid anytime we want.
Chandler Bing: Totally. I had sex in High school...
Ross Geller: Me too. I'm good at it.
Chandler Bing: All right, I'd say we make a pact. Neither of us will go out with Missy Goldberg.
Ross Geller: You got it.
Chandler Bing: All right, so that's Missy Goldberg, Phoebe Cates and Molly Ringwald, who neither of us can go out with.
Ross Geller: Those are the pacts!
Chandler Bing: Oh, and Sheena Easton. But we probably couldn't get her anyway.
Ross Geller: Oh, oh... maybe not you!
Chandler Bing: Well, I officially give you permission to break the pact.
Ross Geller: Thank you. All right, here I go. Hey, remember how scary it used to be going up to girls in college?
Chandler Bing: Your hands are shaking.
Ross Geller: I know, and I can't stop sweating.
Voice: Five! Four! Three! Applause!
Donny Osmond: Yeah! Welcome, it is Soap Opera week here on Pyramid, let's meet our contestants. First, Gene Lester is a database specialist, he's gonna be playing with "Days of Our Life's" star Joey Tribbiani!
Joey Tribbiani: I know it could be intimidating for regular people to be around celebrities but... relax, I'm just like you! Only better looking and richer.
Donny Osmond: ...should be playing with the star of "General Hospital" Leslie Charleson. Welcome everybody. Good luck to all of you. Let's play Pyramid. All right? Now... we flipped a coin before the show, Gene, you won the toss, so you're gonna start. Which category would you like?
Gene: I'll take "You crossed the line".
Donny Osmond: You crossed the line. Joey, describe for Gene these things that have lines. Give me 20 seconds on the clock, please. Ready, go!
Joey Tribbiani: Uhm... ok. It's a store, like a supermarket. Oh! I see-I see what I did. Yeah, ok, ok, uhm... I'm writing in my...
Gene: Diary.
Joey Tribbiani: Noo, more like a notebook... Damn it! Oh, if I'm building an house, the plan isn't called the 'shmoo-print'... Can't say that either? Woha... hey... In high school, I once had sex with a girl right in the middle of the...
Gene: Cafeteria.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! But that is not what they're looking for. OOOH!
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you so much for this.
Rachel Green: Oh, d'you like it?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, it's all so elegant! When's the dirty stuff starting?
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: You know, the strippers, and the guys dancing, and you know, pee-pee's flying about.
Rachel Green: Pheebs, I... there isn't gonna be any flying about! We actually thought we were a little too mature for stuff like that.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, ok. I see what you're doing, that's fine. This is all there is, just tea, uh, ok. Hmmmm... raunchy!
Rachel Green: Seriously Pheebs, it's not gonna be that kind of a party.
Phoebe Buffay: Really? So this is... this is my big send off in the married life? Rachel this is the only bachelorette party I'm ever gonna have! I've got a big wad of ones in my purse! Really? I mean, really? It's just tea?
Rachel Green: Nooo! Phoebe, of course there is more! I mean, I'll just go and talk to Monica and get an ETA on the pee-pee's!
Donny Osmond: Now Gene I must remind you, you need all six of these to stay in the game, all right? Describe for Joey things you find in your refrigerator.
Joey Tribbiani: Ahaha, he might as well just give us the points.
Donny Osmond: Give me twenty seconds on the clock. Ready? Go!
Gene: You put this in your coffee.
Joey Tribbiani: A spoon. Your hands. Your face!
Gene: It's white!
Joey Tribbiani: Paper, snow, a ghost!
Gene: It's heavier then milk!
Joey Tribbiani: A rock, a dog, the earth.
Gene: Pass!
Gene: You put this on a sandwich.
Joey Tribbiani: Salami, anchovies, jam!
Gene: It's white!
Joey Tribbiani: Paper, snow, a ghost!
Gene: It's made from eggs!
Joey Tribbiani: Chickens?
Gene: Pass!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh!
Gene: You put this on a hamburger!
Joey Tribbiani: Ketchup!
Gene: Yes!
Joey Tribbiani: Relish!
Gene: Stop!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh.
Donny Osmond: Oh, time's up! Joey! You were, uh, almost on a roll there...
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah...
Donny Osmond: Uh, Gene, you're gonna have a chance to go to the winner circle in the second half. But right now Henrietta you are going to the winner circle to try your luck for ten thousand dollars, right after this, don't go away.
Stage Manager: And we're out!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, so we didn't win, but it's fun to play the game, right?
Gene: Hey! I got a kid starting college. I've to get surgery on my knee, you just lost me ten grand!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, wow! I'm so sorry, ok? I promise, we'll do better next time!
Gene: Well, I will, because I won't be playing with you.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you know, some of those are pretty hard! Like why would there be a ghost in my fridge? . Yeah!
Ross Geller: So, Saturday night!
Missy Goldberg: I'd love to!
Ross Geller: Great!
Missy Goldberg: So how come it took you so long to ask me out?
Ross Geller: Oh, well, uh, this is gonna sound kinda silly, but, do you remember my roommate Chandler Bing?
Missy Goldberg: Sure, he was in your "band"?
Ross Geller: It's been sixteen years but the air quotes still hurt.
Missy Goldberg: Sorry.
Ross Geller: That's ok. Uh, anyway, well he and I both really liked you a lot, uhm, but we didn't want anything to jeopardize our friendship, so we kinda made a pact, that neither of us could ask you out!
Missy Goldberg: Really?
Ross Geller: Yeah, why?
Missy Goldberg: Well, Chandler and I used to make out! A lot!
Ross Geller: You did?
Missy Goldberg: Yeah. We'd go to the science lab after hours!
Ross Geller: AND ON MY TURF?
Monica Geller: Hey, where is this guy, it's been over an hour!
Rachel Green: Well, he's coming from Jersey, he said he would get here as fast as he could!
Monica Geller: Who is it?
Man: It's the police!
Rachel Green: Uh! The police!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh!
Man: That's right, it's officer Goodbody.
Monica Geller: What's the matter, officer? Has someone been bad?
Roy: Whoo, that's a lot of stairs!
Roy: Ooh, boy. You should warn people there's no elevator! I should not have had that Mexican food for lunch.
Monica Geller: Are you gonna be ok, officer, uhm,...
Roy: Goodbody!
Monica Geller: ...If-you-say-so.
Roy: So where's the young lady who I'm supposed to take downtown!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, God!
Roy: All right, somebody show me where to plug in my box, and we'll get this party started! Whaaaa... Here? All right.
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel?
Rachel Green: Yeah?
Phoebe Buffay: Are you kidding?
Rachel Green: All right, look, we did not know that you wanted a stripper so we went to the phonebook and we got the first name we could find!
Phoebe Buffay: How old is your phonebook?
Monica Geller: Oh my God, this man is gonna get naked in my apartment!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh God no, I don't wanna see him take his clothes off!
Roy: Are you talking about me?
Monica Geller: Oh, no! I mean, obviously we want to see you take your clothes off! You big piece of eye candy!
Roy: Ok, ok, ladies! Can I have your attention, please? Did someone call for the long arm of the law? I should warn you, I have a concealed weapon! I hope you're familiar with the States penal code, ok, ok, enough teasing. Now for some pleasing!
Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa . She cringed!
Phoebe Buffay: This is how I look when I'm turned on!
Roy: You were talking about me before! Look, I don't need this! I'm outta here! Where's my hat? Look, I've been in this business for a long time!
Phoebe Buffay: Shocking!
Roy: Now if you just pay me my three hundred dollars, I'll be on my way!
Phoebe Buffay: Three hundred dollars, are you kidding?
Rachel Green: No, that's ok, let's me just get my check book!
Phoebe Buffay: No, you're not gonna pay him, he didn't do anything!
Roy: Didn't do anything? I took a bus all the way from Hoboken. I climbed ... I dunno... like a billion stairs... It's not like I can take them two at a time!
Phoebe Buffay: I don't care. We're not paying you 300 dollars for this.
Roy: Well, look - it's not my fault if you're too uptight to appreciate the male form in all it's glory.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, okay. I'm uptight. Yeah, that's why I don't want to watch a middle aged guy dance around in what I can only assume is a child halloween costume!
Roy: I may have borrowed this from my nephew, but let me assure you, what's underneath ... is all man.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, did you say all man or old man?
Roy: Oh, you're mean!
Monica Geller: Uh, look, officer... uhm Sir...
Roy: Damnit. OH! Big surprise! The hunk of beef has feelings!
Donny Osmond: Ok Henrietta, you've picked Jack and Jill went up the hill.
Joey Tribbiani: My friend Rachel has a kid. I totally know nursery rhymes!
Donny Osmond: Joey describe these things associated with the United States congress. Give me 20 seconds on the clock please. Ready? Go!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, .. uh... uh... pass. Pass. Pass. Okay, the little thing that hangs down at the back of your throat.
Henrietta: Uvula!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, then pass.
Donny Osmond: O-kay... Henrietta, you didn't get all the points you needed, so that means Gene, you are going to the winners circle to try for ten thousand dollars! And you're gonna be going there with Joey Tribbiani.
Ross Geller: You made out with Missy Goldberg. How could you do that, after you promised me?
Chandler Bing: Excuse me. . That didn't make us sound gay at all!
Ross Geller: You broke the pact!
Chandler Bing: Ross, that was 16 years ago!
Ross Geller: That doesn't matter! We're talking about the foundation of our friendship.
Chandler Bing: I believe the foundation of our friendship was unfortunate hair. All right, look, if we're really gonna do this... it's not like you never broke one of the pacts.
Ross Geller: I didn't.
Chandler Bing: Oh really?
Ross Geller: No.
Chandler Bing: Oh really!?
Ross Geller: NO!
Chandler Bing: ADRIENNE TURNER!!
Adrienne: Yes?
Ross Geller: I never did anything with Adrienne Turner.
Chandler Bing: Oh please, and you knew how much I liked her.
Ross Geller: I don't know what... you're talking about.
Chandler Bing: Really?
Chandler Bing: Remember that big party? Freshman year? A week before Christmas vacation? I do. You had some visitors.
Monica Geller: I can't believe we are at a real college party! I have to pee so bad!
Rachel Green: This is so awesome! College guys are so cute!
Monica Geller: Hey, you've got a boyfriend!
Rachel Green: I know. But if some guy who looks like Corey Haim wants to kiss me tonight, I'm sooo gonna let them!
Monica Geller: Look, there's Chandler. You knew, that stupid friend of Ross'. Said I'm fat. You know I've already lost 4 pounds!
Rachel Green: It... You can so totally tell.
Monica Geller: I KNOW!
Rachel Green: Well lets see. Maybe he knows where Ross is. Hey, how's it going .
Chandler Bing: Aren't you...?
Rachel Green: Yeah, Rachel. And this is Ross' sister, Monica. We met at Thanksgiving. .
Chandler Bing: Right. So how're you doing?
Rachel Green: Bitchin'
Chandler Bing: Hi Monica.
Monica Geller: Hi Chandler. It's really nice to see you NOT.
Chandler Bing: O-kay. I'll see if I can find Ross.
Monica Geller: Oh my God Rach. Bean bag chairs.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Monica Geller: Do NOT let me sit in one of those. We'll be here for days.
Ross Geller: Listen Adrienne, you can't tell Chandler about this.
Adrienne: Oh believe me, Ross, I won't be telling anybody about this.
Ross Geller: Cool!
Ross Geller: I didn't know you knew about that.
Chandler Bing: Well, I did and it hurt. That's when I wrote the song: "Betrayal In The Common Room".
Ross Geller: Man... I... I'm sorry.
Chandler Bing: Look it was a lo-o-ong time ago.
Ross Geller: So, eh. I made out with Adrienne and you made out with Missy. Well I guess we're even.
Chandler Bing: Hmm mmmhm..
Ross Geller: We are even, right?
Chandler Bing: Just one more thing. I was so pissed at you that night that I wanted to get back at you. So I thought, who does Ross like the more than anybody?
Ross Geller: What did you do to my mom?
Chandler Bing: Not her!
Rachel Green: I am sooo drunk.
Monica Geller: That's weird. I've had the same number of beers as you and I don't feel anything at all.
Chandler Bing: Soo... you girls having fun?
Monica Geller: For your information, ass munch, I've lost four pounds. Maybe even five with all the dancing.
Pizza Guy: SOMEBODY ORDER A PIZZA?
Monica Geller: Oh THATS ME!
Rachel Green: I am soo not going to do good on my SATs tomorrow.
Chandler Bing: Well maybe if you go to school here next year we can totally hang out.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah. There is a plan! Why don't I just start taking my smart pills now?
Chandler Bing: Well, maybe you can get in on a beauty scholarship.
Rachel Green: Oh, what a line.
Chandler Bing: So where are you applying to?
Rachel Green: Oh well, You know, I think it's kinda really important that I go somewhere where there's sun, so I'm sort of... Hey!
Chandler Bing: I'm in college and I'm in a band.
Rachel Green: Yeah okay.
Roy: What's the matter? You never saw a 50 year old stripper cry before?
Phoebe Buffay: You know, it's fine. We'll pay you.
Roy: No, no, you're right. Who am I kidding? I should have hung up that breakaway jockstrap years ago. What am I gonna do? I mean, this has been my life for thirty two years. Taking my clothes off in front of people is all I know.
Rachel Green: No, wait. No there's gotta be something else that you can do. I mean, what skills do you have?
Roy: I don't know... I can make my pecs dance... I can pick up a dollar bill with my butt cheeks... I can go to that special place inside me where I feel no shame.
Rachel Green: So maybe something in an office.
Phoebe Buffay: Or you could teach stripping. You know, share your gift, pass the torch.
Roy: You know, actually that's not a bad idea. I can do it out of my apartment. I don't think my mom would mind.
Phoebe Buffay: There you go. Okay, do you think you're gonna be okay?
Roy: Yeah, yeah, yeah... This is so weird. I mean, you never know when it's gonna be your last dance. And I didn't even get a chance to finish it.
Phoebe Buffay: Finish it!
Roy: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Your last dance. Do it for us.
Roy: Really?
Rachel Green: Really?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, yeah. He deserves to do the thing he loves one last time.
Roy: Okay, all right... Get ready ladies!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh this is so ho-o-ot!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, no, no, don't stop!
Roy: Have to...
Donny Osmond: Well, welcome to the Winner Circle. Joey and Gene, you guys ready?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah...
Gene: Sure.
Donny Osmond: Okay. Give me sixty seconds on the clock please... Ready, GO!
Gene: Oak, maple, elm, birch...
Joey Tribbiani: I-I-I don't know. Types of trees?
Gene: Uhm... Buenos dias, enchilada, por favor...
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know any Spanish words.
Gene: A match, a candle...
Joey Tribbiani: Things that go "tssst" when you put them out.
Gene: A torch, a bonfire... uhm, your pee...
Joey Tribbiani: Things that burn.
Gene: "I'd like to go for a walk", uhm "scratch my belly".
Joey Tribbiani: Dude, dude! I think you're losing it.
Gene: Uhm, "I have fur", "I like to bark".
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, oh, oh... What a dog says.
Gene: Pepperoni...
Joey Tribbiani: Pizza toppings, next!
Gene: Cindy Crawford, Christie Brinkley, Heidi Klum, Claudia Schiffer...
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, oh, oh...
Gene: Christie Turlington, Kate Moss...
Joey Tribbiani: Girls Chandler could never get?
Gene: Supermodels!
Joey Tribbiani: Where?
Ross Geller: Hey, where's Rachel?
Monica Geller: She and Phoebe took the stripper to the hospital.
Ross Geller: Did you know Chandler kissed Rachel?
Monica Geller: What? When was this?
Ross Geller: Nineteen Eighty Seven. The weekend you guys visited me at school.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! That's wild!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, but it was like a million years ago, so it doesn't matter.
Ross Geller: Well, it matters to me.
Chandler Bing: Why?
Ross Geller: Because... the night you kissed Rachel was the night I kissed Rachel for the very first time.
Chandler Bing: You kissed her that night too?
Monica Geller: Two guys in one night? Wow, I thought she became a slut after she got her nose fixed.
Chandler Bing: Seriously, where did this happen?
Ross Geller: Okay, after you told me she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was all right. She was lying on my bed, all buried in peoples coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forehead, you know. But it was so dark, I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away, but then I felt her start to kiss me back. It was only for a second, but... it was amazing. And now, now I find out that you kissed her first.
Chandler Bing: Oh wait... What bed did you say she was on?
Ross Geller: Mine.
Chandler Bing: I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed.
Ross Geller: No, she was definitely on my bed.
Chandler Bing: Why would I kiss a girl, and then put her on your bed?
Ross Geller: Well, then who was on my bed?
Monica Geller: OH! Oh, oh!
Ross Geller: NO! No, no!
Monica Geller: YES!
Ross Geller: You were under the pile of coats?
Monica Geller: I was the pile of coats!
Ross Geller: OH MY GOD!
Monica Geller: You were my Midnight Mystery Kisser?
Ross Geller: You were my first kiss with Rachel?
Monica Geller: You were my first kiss ever?
Chandler Bing: What did I marry into?
Monica Geller: Oh, crap!


Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hey Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Listen, I need to ask you something. Ok, you know how my step dad's in prison.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Well, uhm... listen he was supposed to get a weekend furlough, so he'd come to the wedding tomorrow, but he just called and... uhm... well, apparently stabbing Iceman in the exercise yard just couldn't wait till Monday.
Joey Tribbiani: So he can't come?
Phoebe Buffay: No, and so there's no one to walk me down the aisle and... well, I would just really love it if you would do it.
Joey Tribbiani: Seriously?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, you've... you know, sort of been like a dad to me. I mean, you've always, you know, looked out for me and shared your wisdom...
Joey Tribbiani: I am pretty wisdomous.
Phoebe Buffay: So... what do you say?
Joey Tribbiani: Are you kidding? Phoebe, I would be honored.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, thank you. I hope... I hope you know how much you mean to me.
Joey Tribbiani: Listen, I hope... that you know... I don't want you to see your father cry, GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh no, no, no, let your dad get this.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's my wedding planner. She's driving me crazy! Hello... Hey, ok, stop screaming! Ok? So, halibut. All right, so salmon, either way. I don't-I don't... it doesn't matter to me!
Monica Geller: Well, it matters to me!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I don't care, so you pick!
Monica Geller: Did you just hung up on me? All right, look, I need you at the rehearsal dinner tonight at 1800 hours.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-uh. Ok. What time is that.
Monica Geller: You don't know military time?
Phoebe Buffay: Why, I must have been in missile training the day they taught that.
Monica Geller: Just subtract twelve.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, so... 1800 minus twelve is... one thousand, seven hundred and...
Monica Geller: Six o'clock!
Phoebe Buffay: Ok.
Monica Geller: Ok. Hold on. Geller here! No! I said it has to be there by 4 o'clock. Goodbye. Oh, how hard it is to make an ice sculpture?
Phoebe Buffay: Ice sculpture? That sounds really fancy! I told you I just want a simple wedding.
Monica Geller: Please... honey, leave the details to me. Now I wanna make this day as special for you as I can. Now, ok, I was thinking that the harpist should wear white.
Phoebe Buffay: What harpist? My friend Marjorie is playing the steel drums.
Monica Geller: Ooh... she backed out.
Phoebe Buffay: She did? Why?
Monica Geller: I made her. Steel drums don't really say "elegant wedding". Nor does Marjorie's overwhelming scent.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! She will shower when Tibet is free.
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Chandler Bing: You look great. I'm so glad we're having this rehearsal dinner, you know, I so rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, what did we say was your one gift to us?
Chandler Bing: No stupid jokes. I thought that was for the actual wedding.
Phoebe Buffay: Rehearse it!
Ross Geller: Hi!
Mike Hannigan: Thanks for coming you guys.
Ross Geller: Oh, hey, oh... I... I was-I was going for a hand shake.
Mike Hannigan: Is that why your hand is pressed against my crotch?
Ross Geller: That is why!
Mike Hannigan: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: So Rach.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Where is Emma?
Rachel Green: Oh, Monica made me send her to my mother's. Apparently babies and weddings don't mix.
Monica Geller: Are you still crying about your damn baby? Pheebs, you gotta keep the line moving, remember, 20 seconds per person. Your see these clowns all the time!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you're Mike's parents, right?
Mike's Mother: Yes, we are.
Joey Tribbiani: Ah, our little ones are growing up fast, uh?
Mike's Father: How's that?
Joey Tribbiani: You know, on the one hand you're happy for them, but on the other hand it's hard to let go.
Mike's Father: Who in God's name are you?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I'm not that fond of you either, ok buddy? But I'm just trying to be nice for the kids!
Chandler Bing: You know what I just realized? We have no idea what we're doing in the wedding tomorrow.
Ross Geller: Yeah, I thought we'd be groomsmen, but wouldn't they have asked us by now? When did they ask you to be their bridesmaid?
Rachel Green: Uh... November?
Ross Geller: I wanna say it's not looking good.
Rachel Green: Hey Pheebs...
Phoebe Buffay: What's up?
Rachel Green: Uhm... you haven't told these guys what they're doing in the wedding yet.
Chandler Bing: Heh.
Phoebe Buffay: Uhm... well, they're not in the wedding.
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: Well, this is really awkward Oh, and I can leave!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry you guys but, you know, Mike's got his brother and his friends from school so... you know, you were-you were... if it helps you, you were next in line, you just-you just missed the cut.
Ross Geller: Oh, man!
Chandler Bing: This is like figure skating team all over again. I mean synchronized swimming. I mean- I mean the balance beam. Help me!
Ross Geller: FOOTBALL!
Chandler Bing: Thank you.
Monica Geller: Pheebs, spit that out, that has pork in it.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! I though the pot stickers were supposed to be vegetarian!
Monica Geller: Yeah, I changed them. I-I sent you a fax about it!
Phoebe Buffay: I don't have a fax machine.
Monica Geller: Ah, well then there are gonna be a few surprises!
Ross Geller: I can't believe we're gonna be the only people that aren't in this wedding.
Chandler Bing: I know, I hate being left out of things.
Ross Geller: And it's a wedding! It'd be weird if I'm not in it...
Mike Hannigan: Hey guys, how is it going?
Chandler Bing: Fine. We're just sitting here. Alone. Doing nothing. It's our rehearsal for tomorrow.
Mike Hannigan: Yeah look, about tomorrow, I... I've got a question for ya. I just found out that one of my groomsmen had had an emergency and can't make it.
Chandler Bing: What happened?
Ross Geller: Who cares, AND?
Mike Hannigan: ...and I was wondering if... you know, maybe one of you guys...
Ross Geller: I'll do it!
Chandler Bing: M-Me-me-me!
Mike Hannigan: You both wanna do it? Uhm... there's only room for one.
Chandler Bing: Pick me, I look great in a tux and I will not steal focus.
Ross Geller: No, Mike, no, no. You wanna pick me, I mean... watch! Huh?
Mike Hannigan: You know, I really don't feel very comfortable making this decision. You know, Phoebe knows you better, I'm gonna let her choose.
Ross Geller: Well, if Phoebe's choosing, then say hello to Mike's next groomsman.
Chandler Bing: Oh, I will. But I will need a mirror... as he is me!
Ross Geller: Please, you're going down!
Chandler Bing: You are going downer!
Ross Geller: Is that what they say on the Figure Skating Team?
Chandler Bing: I wouldn't know, I didn't make it!
Joey Tribbiani: So, you know I'm filling in for Phoebe's step dad, tomorrow, right?
Mike Hannigan: Yeah, yeah. Hey, thanks for doing that.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey, my pleasure. So what are your intentions with my Phoebe?
Mike Hannigan: I intend to marry her.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, a wiseacre. . No, no, no, I understand you plan to support your wife by playing the piano? Isn't that kind of unstable?
Mike Hannigan: No more so than acting.
Joey Tribbiani: Strike two!
Mike Hannigan: You're right. She probably will support me. Hey, unless we move in with you, dad?
Joey Tribbiani: Strike three! You only get one more, Mike!
Ross Geller: So, what did you decide?
Phoebe Buffay: I decided to pee.
Chandler Bing: Mike didn't tell you? You have to chose one of us to be in your wedding. One of his groomsmen fell out.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, no. I can't choose between you two! I love you both so much!
Chandler Bing: Just not enough to put us in the original wedding party.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I don't wanna choose! It's . Oh okay, wait. Rach! Listen I have a very special bridesmaid task for you today.
Rachel Green: Goody, what is it!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, there's a spot open for only one groomsman and you have to choose between Ross and Chandler. So good luck with that.
Rachel Green: What, what, what, no, I don't wanna do that.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, I guess I'll have to find a new bridesmaid.
Ross Geller: I'll do it!
Monica Geller: Ok, it's 2100 hours. Time for your toast.
Mike Hannigan: Do I have a minute to go to the bathroom?
Monica Geller: You had a bathroom break at 2030. Pee on your own time, Mike! . Now, in regard to the toast, okay, you wanna keep them short, nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. Okay. You just get in, do your thing and get out!
Mike Hannigan: Is that what you say to Chandler?
Monica Geller: It's 2101 and I am not amused. . Ok, the bride and groom have a few words they'd like to say.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok. Hello everyone and thank you all for being here tonight. So tomorrow's the big event and some of you might not know, but Mike and I didn't get off to the best start. . My friend Joey and I decided to fix each other up with friends so I, I... oh I... hum... I gave it a lot of thought and I fixed him up with my friend Mary Ellen who couldn't be here tonight because... it's not important... she is in rehab. Anyway, so, ok, Joey said that he was fixing me up with his friend Mike, only he didn't have a friend Mike so he just brought, uhm, my Mike and, and but despite, you know... it got... it got good. Ok, I wanna take a moment to mention my mother, who couldn't be here...
Monica Geller: oh God.
Phoebe Buffay: And... moment's over! So, ok, uh, I can forget that. I can forget that and uhm... Oh this is funny! Oh, but you need to know that to... that, to... Oh, ok, well, uhm, I . Ok, ok, I, ok, I... MONICA I CAN'T DO IT LIKE THIS! THIS IS MY WEDDING! OKAY, I DON'T WANT THIS OR THIS OR THIS OK? I JUST WANTED A SIMPLE WEDDING! WHERE MY FIANCEE CAN GO TO THE BATHROOM ANYTIME HE WANTS! You know what? You're done.
Monica Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: YOU'RE FIRED! Cheers!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: Happy wedding day!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, happy my wedding day to you!
Rachel Green: Ok-dokey, Joey, listen. This is gonna be bridesmaid central, all right? We're gonna have hair and make-up going on in the bathroom and oh, I had to move a couple of things in the fridge to make room for the corsages.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, man! I wouldn't have had breakfast if I knew there was going to be corsages!
Monica Geller: Hi. About last night... I know you are under a lot of stress and even though the things you said hurt me a little bit... My point is, uh, well, I'm willing to take my job back.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well that's ok. I think you and I will do much better if you're just... here as a bridesmaid.
Monica Geller: Oh, is that so? Ok. If that's really what you want, then here... I give you the headset. Well, I don't really want to give you the headset. Well I guess if you're taking over, you should probably return these messages.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow, this is a lot!
Monica Geller: Uh-huh, but I'm sure you can handle this. I mean, I have won awards for my organizational skills, but, uh, I'm sure you'll do fine.
Phoebe Buffay: You won awards?
Monica Geller: Mm-mh. I printed them out on my computer.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hi.
Ross Geller: Where's Rach?
Monica Geller: She's in her room, why?
Ross Geller: I have to talk to her about this groomsman situation, ok? I'm not gonna watch Chandler up there while I'm sitting in the seats like some chump! . Oh! My God! You're breathtaking!
Rachel Green: What d'you want?
Ross Geller: You haven't by any chance chosen a groomsman yet, have you?
Rachel Green: Oh, Ross, c'mon, please! Don't make this harder than it already is!
Ross Geller: I'm not! I'm making it easier! Pick me!
Rachel Green: Well, Chandler said that it's really important to him too!
Ross Geller: Listen, listen. Whoever you pick is gonna walk down the aisle with you! Now, I promise I won't say a word, but if you pick Chandler he's gonna be whispering stupid jokes in your ear the whole time!
Rachel Green: Oh, you are the lesser of two evils!
Ross Geller: YES, YES!
Phoebe Buffay: Sven I don't understand what you're saying! What is wrong with the flowers? Lorkins? What the hell are lorkins?
Monica Geller: I know. .
Mike Hannigan: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Listen, Mike, if you were Swedish and you were saying the word "lorkins" what flowers would that be?
Mike Hannigan: Orchids?
Phoebe Buffay: Right there! That's why I'm marrying you!
Joey Tribbiani: Hello Michael.
Mike Hannigan: Joseph.
Joey Tribbiani: May I have a word with you, please?
Mike Hannigan: This is... great...
Joey Tribbiani: Have a seat. Last night, I tried to welcome you into my family... and instead, you disrespect me... I cannot allow this.
Mike Hannigan: Are you rehearsing for some really bad mafia movie?
Joey Tribbiani: More back talk. And yes, I may be borrowing a few lines from my recent unsuccessful audition for "Family Honor 2: Thissa Time Itsa Personal."
Mike Hannigan: Joey, I kinda have a lot to do today, what do you want?
Joey Tribbiani: I want you to take this seriously! Phoebe is very very important to me, ok? And I wanna make sure that you are gonna take care of her.
Mike Hannigan: Joe, I love Phoebe. She's the single most important thing in my life. I'd die before I let anything happen to her.
Joey Tribbiani: That's what I wanted to hear! Because she's family, ok, and now you're gonna be family, and there is nothing more important in the whole world, than family.
Mike Hannigan: That must have been one lousy movie.
Joey Tribbiani: That was ME!
Rachel Green: Hi.
Chandler Bing: Hey, can I talk to you about this groomsman thing? If you pick Ross, he'll walk you down the isle just fine. But if you choose me, you'll be getting some comedy!
Rachel Green: Even so, I think I'm gonna pick Ross.
Chandler Bing: Let me tell you why you need to pick me. See, when I was a kid, I was always left out of everything, you know, and it really made me feel... insecure. You know, I was always picked last in gym. Even behind that big fat exchange student who didn't even know the rules to baseball. I mean, this guy would strike out and then run to third. Anyway, If I'm the only one left out of this wedding, I just know that all those feelings are gonna come rushing back.
Rachel Green: All right fine, I pick you.
Chandler Bing: Y-Y-YEEESSS! Make "groom" for Chandler.
Rachel Green: Oh my...
Phoebe Buffay: No! We're gonna do it my way. Because your way is stupid! Alright I gotta go, I have another call, Reverend. Hello?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm glad we had this little talk.
Mike Hannigan: Yes. Yeah and thanks for all the wedding night advice. That didn't make me uncomfortable at all! Alright, so I'll see everybody tonight?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Monica Geller: Bye.
Mike Hannigan: Uhm, did you guys know that there is a giant ice sculpture in the hall?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, what's it doing here?
Monica Geller: Ugh, I guess it got sent to the billing address as opposed to the shipping address. Uh! What a pickle.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, everything is such a mess. Why is this happening to me?
Joey Tribbiani: How bad do you want to stick your tongue on that?
Chandler Bing: How's it going?
Ross Geller: Good. I'm just getting some coffee. So I'm alert for the wedding.
Chandler Bing: That's what I was doing too.
Ross Geller: Well, you have fun tonight.
Chandler Bing: You too.
Ross Geller: Oh, I will.
Chandler Bing: Me too.
Ross Geller: Wait a minute, I know why I'm being such an ass, why are you?
Chandler Bing: I'm not supposed to tell you.
Ross Geller: I'm not supposed to tell you!
Chandler Bing: You told us both we could be in the wedding?
Rachel Green: Well, in my defense, you were not supposed to tell each other.
Ross Geller: Rachel, only one of us can do it, you have to choose. You and me together again.
Chandler Bing: Rach, Rach, knock knock.
Rachel Green: Who's there?
Chandler Bing: I'll tell you at the wedding.
Rachel Green: Uh.
Mike Hannigan: Hey, I forgot my scarf.
Rachel Green: You know what, I can't do this. I don't know which one of you guys to pick.
Mike Hannigan: Oh, you haven't picked yet. Oh good, 'cause I had an idea. I thought it would be fun if the third groomsman was my family dog. Chappy.
Ross Geller: What? A dog? No! Rachel gets to choose.
Rachel Green: Wow, this is a tough one. I think I'm gonna have to go with the dog.
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, wait, so what you're saying is that the chef is at the Hamilton Club, but the food is not and the drinks are there, but the bartender is not? Are you, are you FREAKING KIDDING ME!?
Monica Geller: How's it going?
Phoebe Buffay: Help me.
Monica Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: I want you to be Crazy Bitch again.
Monica Geller: Really?
Phoebe Buffay: Please?
Monica Geller: You really want me to come back?
Phoebe Buffay: More than I wanna get married.
Monica Geller: Ok people, we are back in business! Oh God, we've missed you soo much! Ok, go and get your hair and make-up done, and I'll take care of everything.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, what are you guys gonna do?
Phoebe Buffay: About what?
Joey Tribbiani: The blizzard. I just saw on the news, it's like the worst snow storm in 20 years! They already closed all the bridges and tunnels.
Monica Geller: Ooh! But the band and the photographer are coming all the way in from New Jersey!
Joey Tribbiani: I don't think they are.
Ross Geller: Haha! Looks like you're not going to be in the wedding either. So sorry Pheebs.
Monica Geller: Well, the club lost it's power.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah according to the news, most of the city did.
Rachel Green: Since when do you watch the news?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, for your information, since they hired a very hot weather girl.
Ross Geller: I can't believe you guys aren't going to be able to get married today.
Phoebe Buffay: I know.
Rachel Green: Wow, you know, it's so beautiful out there. You always wanted to get married outside. Why don't you guys just do it on the street?
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Rachel Green: Well, look, it's hardly snowing anymore. I mean you couldn't ask for a more romantic setting. This could be the simple wedding you've always wanted!
Phoebe Buffay: What do you think?
Mike Hannigan: I think I wanna get married to you today.
Phoebe Buffay: Me too! Monica, do you think we could do it?
Monica Geller: AFFIRMATIVE!
Monica Geller: OK LET'S GET THESE CHAIRS OUT HERE! Gunther, hit the Christmas lights. Okay, who left the ice sculpture ON THE STEAM GRATE?
Mike's Mom: Michael!
Mike Hannigan: Hey! You made it. Great! Chappy! Hi! Hi! Mom, I know getting married in the street isn't something you approve of...
Mike's Mom: No... It's lovely. The lights and the snow. I could look at them forever.
Mike's Dad: I crushed a pill and put it in her drink... Come on, sweetheart.
Mike Hannigan: You know, Chappy's too small to handle all this snow. Someone's gonna have to walk him down the aisle.
Chandler Bing: So technically, would this person be in the wedding?
Mike Hannigan: I guess.
Ross Geller: No, but Chandler, hello... Aren't you scared of dogs?
Chandler Bing: I'm not scared. I'll just take little Chappy and... HE CAN SENSE MY FEAR. MY THROAT IS EXPOSED.
Ross Geller: Well, I guess I'm in the wedding then. Ha haaa... He stinks!
Monica Geller: Level 1 alert. I repeat, level 1. This is not a drill. Okay we've got a situation. The minister just called. He's snowed in. He can't make it.
Mike Hannigan: Oh, no!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh hey, don't worry. I'm still ordained from your wedding.
Monica Geller: Really?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you'd think I'd give up being a minister and start paying to ride the subway? Huhuh...
Ross Geller: Uhm, ministers don't ride the subway for free.
Joey Tribbiani: I had to read the Bible pretty carefully, but... yeah we do.
Monica Geller: Okay, if Joey does the ceremony, then we have to find someone else to walk Phoebe down the isle.
Chandler Bing: I'll do it.
Ross Geller: I'll...
Chandler Bing: Na ha ha... Ne he he... Ah ah...
Monica Geller: Okay, Mike and Joey, get in position. Chandler, come with me.
Monica Geller: Okay, Joey's doing the ceremony and Chandler's giving you away.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay. Hi new dad.
Monica Geller: So, you're ready to do this?
Phoebe Buffay: Uhuh, uhuh... Oh my God! This is really happening.
Rachel Green: Oh Phoebe, I'm so happy for you honey.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, thank you.
Monica Geller: I love you. Oh, wait, wait, wait! No hugs. The dresses... Oh what the hell.
Phoebe Buffay: I love you guys.
Monica Geller: Okay. It's zero hour. All teams execute on my count. Let's get this bad boy on the road.
Chandler Bing: Is it okay that I want you to wear that head set in bed tonight?
Monica Geller: I have you scheduled for nudity at 2300 hours.
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah!
Monica Geller: Okay Marjorie, hit it.
Rachel Green: Geez Ross, you could have showered.
Ross Geller: It's the dog.
Monica Geller: Groomsman, groomsman, why are you just standing there, where is your bridesmaid? We've got a broken arrow. Bridesmaid down! Oh, that's me.
Chandler Bing: Ready?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh wait, oh no. Wait.
Chandler Bing: Wow! Aren't you gonna be cold?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't care... I'll be my something blue.
Chandler Bing: You look beautiful.
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you.
Mike Hannigan: My God! Aren't you freezing?
Phoebe Buffay: Na-ah.
Joey Tribbiani: Friends, family, dog... Thank you all for being here to witness this blessed event. The cold has now spread to my special place... so I'm gonna do the short version of this. Phoebe and Mike are perfect for each other. And I know I speak for every one here... when I wish them a lifetime of happiness. Who has the rings?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay...
Phoebe Buffay: When I was growing up, I didn't have a normal mom and dad, or a regular family like everybody else, and I always knew that something was missing. But now I'm standing here today, knowing that I have everything I'm ever gonna need... You are my family.
Mike Hannigan: Phoebe you're so beautiful. You're so kind, you're so generous. You're so wonderfully weird. Every day with you is an adventure, and I can't believe how lucky I am, and I can't wait to share my life with you forever.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh wait, oh I forgot... and uhm... I love you... and you have nice eyes.
Mike Hannigan: I love you too.
Ross Geller: Uh Joey...
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah?
Ross Geller: Chappy's heart rate has slowed way down.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, okay. Phoebe, do you take this man to be your husband?
Phoebe Buffay: I do.
Joey Tribbiani: Mike, do you take this woman to be your wife?
Mike Hannigan: I do.
Joey Tribbiani: I now pronounce you... husband and wife.
Phoebe Buffay: I got married! Could someone get me a coat, I'm freaking freezing.
Chandler Bing: That really was an incredible wedding.
Joey Tribbiani: It was, yeah. I kind of don't want it to end. Hey, you wanna come in for a drink and a bite of corsage?
Chandler Bing: I'd love to, but it's 2300 hours and I'm about to have the most organized sex anyone's ever had.
Joey Tribbiani: Nice. Oh hey, what about Ross?
Chandler Bing: I don't know. Maybe he hooked up with that hot girl he was talking to.
Ross Geller: Come on Chappy, do your business. MAKE! MA-AKE! I did not sign on for this.


Phoebe Buffay: Hi.
Everyone: Hey! Hi!
Rachel Green: How was the honeymoon? Phoebe; Oh, incredible! Oh! Champagne, candle-lit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach, it was sooo ro-man-tic!
Rachel Green: Oh!
Chandler Bing: So, where's Mike?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, he's at the doctor, he didn't poop the whole time we were there!
Joey Tribbiani: Well anyway, I'm glad you're back, I really need your help.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, why? What's up?
Joey Tribbiani: I have an audition for this play and for some of it I have to speak French. Which, according to my resume, I'm fluent in.
Ross Geller: Joey, you shouldn't lie on your resume.
Monica Geller: Yeah, you really shouldn't. By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo?
Ross Geller: It was ok...
Rachel Green: I did not know you spoke French.
Phoebe Buffay: Oui, bien sur je parle Francais! Qu'est-ce que tu penses alors?
Rachel Green: Oh... you're so sexy!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, so, will you help me? I really wanna be in this play.
Phoebe Buffay: Sure! Tout le plaisir est pour moi, mon ami.
Rachel Green: Seriously stop it, or I'm gonna jump on ya.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Why are you wearing my apron?
Monica Geller: I'm making cookies for Erica. And oh, by the way, we have to leave for the airport soon, her plane comes in about an hour.
Chandler Bing: Oh, hey, when she gets here, is it ok if I introduce you two as "my wife" and "the woman who's carrying my child"? No? Divorce?
Ross Geller: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey.
Ross Geller: You guys know where Rachel is?
Monica Geller: No, we haven't seen her since this morning.
Ross Geller: So unbelievable. She was supposed to meet me half an hour ago with Emma.
Monica Geller: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Monica Geller: These are for Erica!
Ross Geller: What? She's gonna eat all those cookies?
Monica Geller: Well, I want he baby to come out all cute and fat!
Ross Geller: So, why is Erica coming to visit?
Monica Geller: Well, because we want to get to know her better and she's never been to New York so she wants to see all the tourists' spots... you know, Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building...
Chandler Bing: Oh, those places! There's always so many people, their being corralled like cattle, and... you know, there's always some idiot who goes "Mooooo"!
Monica Geller: Well, if it annoys you so much, then why do you do it?
Ross Geller: Oh, hi! Hi! Thanks for showing you up thirty minutes late!
Rachel Green: Ross...
Ross Geller: No, no, no, I'm sure you have a great excuse, wh-was it a hair appointment, a mani-pedi or was there a sale at Barney's?
Rachel Green: My father had an heart attack... ...while I was at Barney's.
Ross Geller: Oh my God.
Monica Geller: Honey.
Chandler Bing: I'm so sorry...
Ross Geller: Is-is he ok?
Rachel Green: Yeah, they said he's gonna be fine, but he's still heavily sedated.
Ross Geller: Ok, ok. I'm gonna come out to Long Island with you, I mean, you can't be alone right now.
Rachel Green: No, come on, I'm totally ok. I don't need you to come! I can totally handle this on my own.
Ross Geller: Still-still, let me come... for me.
Rachel Green: Ok. If you really need to.
Ross Geller: I bet someone could use one of Monica's freshly baked cookies.
Rachel Green: Oh, I really could.
Ross Geller: Oh!
Rachel Green: Ohh...
Phoebe Buffay: All right, it seems pretty simple. Your first line is "My name is Claude", so, just repeat after me. "Je m'appelle Claude".
Joey Tribbiani: Je de coup Clow.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, just... let's try it again.
Joey Tribbiani: Ok.
Phoebe Buffay: Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey Tribbiani: Je depli mblue.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh. It's not... quite what I'm saying.
Joey Tribbiani: Really? It sounds exactly the same to me.
Phoebe Buffay: It does, really?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, let just try it again. Really listen.
Joey Tribbiani: Got it.
Phoebe Buffay: Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey Tribbiani: Je te flouppe Fli.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, mon Dieu!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, de fuff!
Monica Geller: Hey you guys.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Monica Geller: I want you to meet someone really special. Phoebe, this is Erica. And this is the baby!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh!
Monica Geller: Joey. Erica, baby!
Joey Tribbiani: Hi.
Monica Geller: Everyone. Erica, baby!
Chandler Bing: Monica. Calm, self.
Erica: Thank you. It's really nice to meet you guys, I can't believe I'm here!
Joey Tribbiani: Welcome to New York City! Or should I say "ghe deu flooff New York City"?
Chandler Bing: Why would you say that?
Phoebe Buffay: Ok. What are you gonna be doing today?
Erica: I wanna see everything! Times Square, Coney Island, Rockefeller Center...
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you know what you should do? You should walk all the way at the top of Statue of Liberty.
Erica: Oh yeah, let's do that!
Chandler Bing: Great! This baby'd better to be really good.
Rachel Green: Oh, uhm, excuse me, I'm here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green.
Ross Geller: And I'm Doctor Ross Geller.
Rachel Green: Ross, please, this is a hospital, ok? That actually means something here.
Rachel Green: Can somebody please go in?
Nurse: Absolutely.
Ross Geller: Rach, I think I'm gonna wait out here, because my throat is feeling a little scratchy, I don't want to infect him.
Rachel Green: Ross, please, don't be so scared of him!
Ross Geller: I'm not scared of him, I'm really sick!
Nurse: He's under sedation, so he's pretty much out.
Ross Geller: I'm feeling better.
Rachel Green: Oh! Oh! Oh my God! Ohhh, ohhh, wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh?
Nurse: Miss Green, your father's doctor is on the phone if you'd like to speak to him.
Rachel Green: Oh, great, Are you gonna be ok?
Ross Geller: He's unconscious, I think we'll be just fine!
Rachel Green: Ok.
Ross Geller: Did the TV wake you?
Leonard Green: No, when you put your feet up in my bed, you tugged on my catheter.
Ross Geller: Ouchy.
Leonard Green: What are you doing here, Geller?
Ross Geller: Well, I came with Rachel, who should be back any second! So what's new?
Leonard Green: Ooh, I have a little heart attack.
Ross Geller: Right, is it painful?
Leonard Green: What, the heart attack or sitting here talking to you? Ross Let's see if we can get that Rachel back here.
Leonard Green: So what's new with you, uh, knocked up any more of my daughters lately?
Ross Geller: Nope, just the one. RACH!
Phoebe Buffay: Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey Tribbiani: Je do call blue!
Phoebe Buffay: Noooo! Ok, maybe if we just break it down. Ok, let's try at one syllable at a time. Ok? So repeat after me. "je".
Joey Tribbiani: je.
Phoebe Buffay: m'ap.
Joey Tribbiani: mah.
Phoebe Buffay: pelle.
Joey Tribbiani: pel.
Phoebe Buffay: Great, ok faster! "je"
Joey Tribbiani: je.
Phoebe Buffay: m'ap.
Joey Tribbiani: mah.
Phoebe Buffay: pelle.
Joey Tribbiani: pel.
Phoebe Buffay: Je m'appelle!
Joey Tribbiani: Me pooh pooh!
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, it's too hard, I can't teach you!
Joey Tribbiani: What are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: I, I have to go before I put your head through a wall.
Joey Tribbiani: Don't move! Don't go! I need you! My audition is tomorrow! Shah blue blah! Me lah peeh! Ombrah! . Pooh.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Ross Geller: I was gonna make us some dinner but all I found in your dad's fridge was bacon and heavy cream. I think we solved the mystery of the heart attack.
Rachel Green: Uh. Did you call your parents?
Ross Geller: Oh, yeah. Emma's doing great.
Rachel Green: Oh good.
Ross Geller: Wow.
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: Just can't believe I'm in Rachel Green's room.
Rachel Green: What do you mean? You've been in my room before!
Ross Geller: Yeah, sure, right! Like I've ever been in Rachel Green's room.
Rachel Green: Ok I gotta tell ya, it's really weird when you use my whole name.
Ross Geller: Sorry. . You ok?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Ross Geller: You had a rough day, uh?
Rachel Green: Yeah, just so weird seeing him like that, you know? I mean he is a doctor, you don't expect doctors to get sick!
Ross Geller: But we do! It's gonna be ok, Rach!
Rachel Green: Ow. I don't want him to wake up alone! I should go to the hospital!
Ross Geller: What? No, no! Hey, hey, hey look...
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: They gave him a lot of medication, ok? He wouldn't even know if you were there. Look, we'll go see him first thing in the morning, ok?
Rachel Green: Really, I shouldn't feel guilty?
Ross Geller: No, God! Hey, Rach, you've been an amazing daughter, ok? Right now you just need to get some rest.
Rachel Green: Ok, maybe you're right.
Ross Geller: Good night.
Rachel Green: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Would you stay here with me for a little while?
Ross Geller: Sure!
Rachel Green: Ok. Thank you for coming with me today.
Ross Geller: Oh, of course...
Rachel Green: Rachel Green is very happy you're in her room!
Ross Geller: Me too. Come here.
Rachel Green: I just don't want to be alone tonight.
Ross Geller: Ok, well, uh, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag, or... Oh, oh. . No, Rach! I'm sorry, I just don't think this, this, this is a good idea.
Rachel Green: Wait, we won't know that until we do it, will we?
Ross Geller: No, look, uh. You are upset about your father and you're feeling vulnerable and I just don't feel it would be right, I'd feel like I'd be, you know, taking advantage of you.
Rachel Green: Taking advantage? I'm giving you the advantage, enjoy!
Ross Geller: Look, I'm sure it would be great, but I-I think one of us has to be thinking clearly, so, I'm gonna go!
Rachel Green: Wow. Ok.
Ross Geller: I'll see you in the morning .
Rachel Green: Mhm-mh!
Ross Geller: Haven't had sex in four months, I should get a medal for that!
Erica: Thanks so much for taking me to all those places. I had a great time.
Monica Geller: Oh, I'm glad. Listen, I want to apologize about Chandler, though. I just did not see this coming.
Chandler Bing: New York is awesome!
Monica Geller: What is with you?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I've been to these places before, but I've never really seen them, you know.
Monica Geller: Yeah, you miss alot, when you're moo-ing.
Erica: Thanks so much for showing me around.
Monica Geller: Oh! It was our pleasure. We are so much enjoying getting to know you.
Erica: Well, if there is anything else you wanna know...
Chandler Bing: Oh, uhm, okay, uhm, do you mind if we ask you some questions about the father?
Erica: Oh, sure. Yeah, well, he was my high school boyfriend. Captain of the football team, really cute and he got a scholarship and went off to college.
Chandler Bing: That's great.
Erica: Yeah... it's almost definitely him.
Monica Geller: How's that now?
Erica: Well, there is a chance it's another guy. I mean, I have only ever been with two guys, but they sorta overlapped.
Chandler Bing: So, what does the other guy do? Does he go to college too?
Erica: No, he's in prison.
Monica Geller: Was he falsely accused of something?
Erica: No... he killed his father with a shovel. But other than that, he's a great guy.
Chandler Bing: I'll bet his dad doesn't think so.
Monica Geller: Are you awake?
Chandler Bing: Of course I'm awake. Assume from now on that I'm always awake!
Monica Geller: Alright, we don't know that it's him. I mean, it could be the football guy.
Chandler Bing: Honey, it's us. Of course it's the shovel-killer.
Monica Geller: Alright, lets say that it is him, would we not want the baby? No! Would we treat him any differently?
Chandler Bing: I'd keep an eye on him! We have to find out which one the father is.
Monica Geller: How?
Chandler Bing: I dunno, aren't there tests for these things, right?
Monica Geller: Yeah, but maybe we're just over-reacting.
Chandler Bing: Pff, easy for you to say, he's a father killer. He probably loves him mommy. He's probably got a tattoo that says "mom" on his shovel-wielding arm!
Tape: We will now count from one to five. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq.
Joey Tribbiani: Huh, un, blu, bla, flu, flenk!
Tape: Good job.
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday and I thought about it a lot and, and I know, I was too impatient. SO lets try it again.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, no, that's okay, I don't need your help. I worked on it myself and I gotta say, I am pretty good!
Phoebe Buffay: Really, can I hear some of it.
Joey Tribbiani: Sure, sure. Ok, "Bleu de la bleu, de la blu bla bleu" See?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, you're not, You're not... you're not... again, you're not SPEAKING FRENCH!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh well I think I am, yeah and I think I'm definitely gonna get the part.
Phoebe Buffay: How could you possibly think that?
Joey Tribbiani: For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job!
Ross Geller: Hey Rach, can you grab me a cup of coffee?
Rachel Green: Sure.
Ross Geller: You've been quiet all morning. Is everything okay?
Rachel Green: Hmm-hmm.
Ross Geller: You sure you're alright?
Rachel Green: Yep.
Ross Geller: O-kay. Well, I'm gonna go grab us some breakfast.
Rachel Green: FYI..
Ross Geller: There it is...
Rachel Green: In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex... just do it.
Ross Geller: Wait, wait, You're mad at me about last night? I was just trying to do the right thing.
Rachel Green: Really? Well, it seems to me if you'd done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed, I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied!
Ross Geller: Well...
Rachel Green: Oh stop that!
Ross Geller: I can't believe this. I was just being a good guy. I treated you with respect and understanding.
Rachel Green: Oh, that is so hot. She walks around him to the other side)
Ross Geller: Hey, I was looking out for you.
Rachel Green: Oh, really, well Ross, you know what? I am a big girl. I don't need someone telling me what is best for me.
Ross Geller: I gotta say, I have not had sex a lot of times before, this is the worst ever.
Rachel Green: Oh, really, really? Well, it wasn't very good for me either.
Ross Geller: Hey you know what? You know what? To avoid this little thing in the future, let's just say, you and me, never having sex again.
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: That's right, sex is off the table. I am never having sex with you again. Dr. Green, are you feeling better?
Chandler Bing: Hey! How was lunch?
Erica: We had a good time. By the way, I wanted to ask you something. It would really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, that you name him after my father, Jiminy Billy Bob.
Chandler Bing: Oh, really?
Erica: No! You we're right, that was fun! I'm gonna go finish packing.
Chandler Bing: O-okay. So, is she gonna take the test?
Monica Geller: Nope, she doesn't have to, I found out who the father is.
Chandler Bing: Oh God. It's shovely-Joe, isn't it?
Monica Geller: No it's not.
Chandler Bing: How do you know?
Erica: Well, it turns out that Erica didn't pay much attention in Sex Ed class, because the thing she did with that prison guy... it'd be pretty hard to make a baby that way.
Chandler Bing: Oh God! What was it? The thing that we hardly ever do or the thing we never do?
Monica Geller: The thing we never do.
Chandler Bing: Shovely Joe!
Director: Whenever you're ready Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Right. Dja bu bu Claude. Uh, c'est la pu les la lu blah bloo.
Casting Assistant: I'm sorry, what's going on?
Joey Tribbiani: Dude, come on! French it u-up!
Director: Joey, do you speak French?
Joey Tribbiani: Toutes la smore! Bu blu-ay bloo blah ooh! Pfoof!
Director: You know what. I think this audition is over.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh, excuse me. Uh, I am Regine Philange. I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my French town of Estee Lauder.
Director: You really think this man is speaking French?
Joey Tribbiani: Sa-sa-saw!
Phoebe Buffay: Ecoutez, je vais vous dire la verite. C'est mon petit frere. Il est un peu retarde.
Phoebe Buffay: Alors, si vous pouviez jouer le jeu avec lui...
Director: Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think we're gonna go with someone else for the part.
Joey Tribbiani: Ah. All right. But my French was good?
Director: It was great.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh-hoh! Ha-hah! See!
Phoebe Buffay: Merci. Au revoir.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-hah. Toute-de-le-fruit.
Ross Geller: Emma's down for the night.
Rachel Green: Oh, good.
Ross Geller: So uh... I guess I wanna take off.
Rachel Green: Okay... Hey listen, just before you go I-I again, I just wanna say "thank you" for coming with me.
Ross Geller: Oh, no problem.
Rachel Green: And also, you know I uh, I was thinking about what you said, you know, about the whole sex thing and... it's probably not a great idea to go down that road again.
Ross Geller: Thank you. I'm glad you agree.
Rachel Green: It's a shame though, I mean, when we did it, it was pretty good.
Ross Geller: Yeah... Yeah, that's true.
Rachel Green: Hey uhm, do you remember that one really great time...?
Ross Geller: Oh, ye-ah!
Rachel Green: You know it was you're uhm... birthday...
Ross Geller: ...Valentine's day...
Both: Oh yeah!
Rachel Green: Well, I guess that's all in the past, now.
Ross Geller: Hmmm-mmmm.
Rachel Green: Not even one more time?
Ross Geller: Not even once.
Rachel Green: No matter how much we want it.
Ross Geller: Even if we want it really bad.
Rachel Green: That's what we decided.
Ross Geller: Uhm, right!
Rachel Green: ...It's kinda hard though!
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: You know, when two people have a connection, you know, that's... just seems like such a... waste.
Ross Geller: ...I hate waste.
Rachel Green: ...Ross?
Ross Geller: Yes?
Rachel Green: Just so you know... With us... it's never off the table.
Ross Geller: Damn it. It's never off the table.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, can you really tapdance?
Joey Tribbiani: No.
Phoebe Buffay: It's off the resume.
Phoebe Buffay: Archery?
Joey Tribbiani: No.
Phoebe Buffay: Horseback riding?
Joey Tribbiani: Would fall off a lot.
Phoebe Buffay: You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?
Joey Tribbiani: That I can do.
Phoebe Buffay: Come on! You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?
Joey Tribbiani: All right, watch me! Okay, you time me. Ready?
Phoebe Buffay: Ready... GO!
Phoebe Buffay: You did it!


Mike Hannigan: Thank you guys for having us over.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Yeah, this is fun, couples night.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I don't know why we hang out with married couples more often.
Monica Geller: Well, because every time we do, you make jokes about swinging and scare them away.
Chandler Bing: You mean that Portuguese couple? Yeah, like you wouldn't have done it.
Ross Geller: Hey, you guys... I have great news.
Monica Geller: Ross, we're kind of in the middle of diner here.
Ross Geller: Oh, well, er, I already ate, but sure...! Guess what happened at work today...
Chandler Bing: A dinosaur died a million years ago?
Ross Geller: Try sixty-five million years ago, and then try sssshhhhhh... My tenure review board met today and I hear it's looking really good.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow!
Ross Geller: Yeah. Do you have any idea what this means in academic circles, uh? I am gonna get laid.
Rachel Green: Hi you guys.
Everyone: Hey.
Rachel Green: Ooh, Italian!
Monica Geller: No one wanted seconds, right?
Ross Geller: No, no. I-I'm good.
Rachel Green: Hey you guys... You're never gonna believe it. This headhunter called me. I have a meeting tomorrow with Gucci. Gucci wants me.
Ross Geller: I'm up for tenure.
Rachel Green: Congratulations!
Ross Geller: You too! What are the odds?
Rachel Green: Ooh!
Joey Tribbiani: Guess what? I finally got that seed out of my teeth.
Monica Geller: I don't know who I'm happiest for...
Phoebe Buffay: I do, he's been working on that all day!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey Mon? Was it weird changing your name to Geller-Bing?
Monica Geller: No, no. It felt nice to acknowledge this.
Phoebe Buffay: Where did you go to do it?
Monica Geller: Uhm the... the ministry... of names... bureau...
Chandler Bing: YOU NEVER DID IT!
Monica Geller: I'm sorry. It's just the idea of being an official Bing.
Chandler Bing: Hey! I will have you know that... aah, who am I kidding. Let's call the kid Geller and let Bing die with me.
Mike Hannigan: Here you go.
Phoebe Buffay: Thanks! Honey, would you want me to take your name?
Mike Hannigan: Oh, it's just... It's up to you. It's your name. You've got to live with it.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, let's see, call me mrs Hannigan.
Chandler Bing: Mrs Hannigan?
Phoebe Buffay: What? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something? Ooh, I like it.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey guys.
Chandler Bing: Hey Joe! We've got a couple of things we've got to check out at the new house. You want to come with us?
Joey Tribbiani: No, thank you.
Monica Geller: All right. I know you're not happy about us moving, but you're the only one who hasn't seen the house.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, come with us. You'll see how close it is to the city.
Joey Tribbiani: But no, it's not close. You said it was in escrow? I couldn't even find it on the map.
Monica Geller: Joey, please come. It would mean so much to us.
Joey Tribbiani: You know what? You are my friends, I wanna be supportive, I will come with you. SHOTGUN!
Chandler Bing: Damn it.
Monica Geller: See you guys later.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay!
Monica Geller: I'll pick you up at eleven. So glad you're coming.
Phoebe Buffay: Good for you. That was really mature.
Joey Tribbiani: What? No, the only reason I'm going to their stupid new house, is so I can point out everything that's wrong with it, so they don't move. I'm gonna make them stay here.
Mike Hannigan: You're a strange kind of grown-up.
Phoebe Buffay: Joey, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Believe me, there's something I've been trying to get Mike to do in bed and there's... he's just...
Mike Hannigan: Woo-wo-hey-hey-hey... Can we not talk about that right now?
Phoebe Buffay: All right, prude... Look, Monica and Chandler really love this house. You are not gonna talk them into staying here.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey... I can convince people to do anything, you know. I bet I can even get Mike to do that "thing". What is it?
Joey Tribbiani: I AM NOT GONNA HELP YOU DO THAT! Goodbye!
Rachel Green: Hi, I'm here to see mr Campbell... with Gucci. The reservation is probably under Gucci. It's spelled like Gukki, which could be confusing.
Maitre D': Mr Campbell's not here yet. Let me show you to his table.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! That's my boss. You have to seat us somewhere else.
Maitre D': I'm sorry. That's always mr Campbell's table.
Rachel Green: But my... but my boss cannot see me. I'm interviewing for another job.
Maitre D': I know. With Gukki.
Rachel Green: Sssshhhh!
Mr. Zelner: Rachel?
Rachel Green: Hi... I'm on a date...
Mr. Zelner: That's great!
Rachel Green: Yeah, it is. Yeah, you know, it's tough. Single mom, career... You gotta get out there.
Mr. Zelner: Well, you got uhm... good energy.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Mr. Campbell: Rachel?
Rachel Green: Yes, hi!
Mr. Campbell: James Campbell...
Rachel Green: Hi! Excuse us.
Mr. Campbell: Please...
Rachel Green: Okay. Oh, yeah... Oh he's cute!
Mr. Campbell: So... your resume is quite impressive.
Rachel Green: Wha... My resume? I wouldn't... I wouldn't call my online dating profile a resume.
Mr. Campbell: Dating profile? I-I-I'm talking about the work resume.
Rachel Green: Whatever happened to just singing for no reason? Huh?
Mr. Campbell: Maybe people... found it weird... So, why do you want to leave Ralph Lauren?
Rachel Green: What? I-I don't.
Mr. Campbell: You don't?
Rachel Green: No, I-I-I love it there.
Mr. Campbell: Well, if you don't want to leave, why are we having this lunch?
Mr. Campbell: What?
Mr. Campbell: That's Hugo Boss?
Phoebe Buffay: This place is so depressing. If I had to work here I'd kill myself. But you obviously haven't.
Clerk: How can I help you?
Phoebe Buffay: I need to change my name, please. See, I need to change it because I'm-I'm hiding from the law. You're fun.
Clerk: You need to fill out this form.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, well, I just don't, I don't know how it works exactly. See, my name is Buffay and my husband's name is Hannigan, so is it supposed to be Buffay-Hannigan or Hannigan-Buffay?
Clerk: It can be anything you want.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, not anything, I mean...
Clerk: Yeah... anything.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, this could take a while.
Clerk: Get out of my line.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey Pheebs.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, not anymore. I changed it today.
Monica Geller: Oh, I'm sorry, mrs Hannigan.
Phoebe Buffay: Wrong again! Apparently you can change it to anything you want. So I thought, all right, here's an opportunity to be creative. So meet Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.
Chandler Bing: That's what we were gonna name the baby.
Monica Geller: Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: Uh! Princess Consuela.
Monica Geller: You seriously changed your name to that?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh!
Monica Geller: Okay, so from now on we have to call you Princess Consuela?
Phoebe Buffay: Uhm, no. I'm gonna have my friends call me Valerie.
Chandler Bing: Hey, how'd the interview go?
Rachel Green: Oh! It's not good.
Chandler Bing: You know, I always feel that way after an interview. I'll bet it went better than you think.
Rachel Green: Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci and I got fired from Ralph Lauren.
Chandler Bing: That is a bad interview.
Phoebe Buffay: What are you, what are you talking about? How did this happen?
Rachel Green: Well, my boss was at the same restaurant where I was having my interview and he heard everything. So later he calls me to his office and he tells me that he's gonna have to let me go, because I'm not a team player. And I said "Wait a minute! Yes I am." and I had to sit there for 45 minutes while he proved that that in fact... was true.
Monica Geller: Oh God. I'm so sorry.
Ross Geller: Hey! Wha-hoo! What's this? Well it's a, it's a bottle of champagne. Why is this here?
Phoebe Buffay: Ross...
Ross Geller: I guess it's here because I GOT TENURE!
Everyone: Congratulations!
Ross Geller: This is the single greatest day of my professional career. Gunther, six glasses!
Gunther: Six? You want me to join you?
Ross Geller: Oh, I thought Joey was here. Five is good. Well, I'm gonna have a loogie in my coffee tomorrow.
Chandler Bing: Ooh! Israeli champagne. And it's vanilla!
Ross Geller: I got tenure. I didn't win the lottery... Hey Rach, so uh... how did your thing go?
Rachel Green: Oh it... good! Yeah, but I'm not gonna hear from that for a couple of days.
Ross Geller: Oh, you know what? You're gonna get it. I-I-I-I can feel it.
Phoebe Buffay: Can you?
Rachel Green: Ah, all right. Here's to Ross!
Ross Geller: And-and to years of hard work finally paying off.
Phoebe Buffay: And to knowing that your career doesn't mean everything.
Ross Geller: But also knowing it means a lot.
Monica Geller: But more importantly to full well-rounded lives.
Ross Geller: ...that center around work.
Chandler Bing: To Ross!
Everyone: Ross!
Ross Geller: You know what the best part about this is? I can never be fired.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh God!
Ross Geller: No seriously. I have job security for life. You know, I never have to worry. Oh, look at you. Look how happy you are for me.
Rachel Green: No, it's not that. I got fired today. And I didn't get the other job.
Ross Geller: Rach, I'm so sorry.
Rachel Green: Oh!
Ross Geller: Great. I feel like an idiot.
Rachel Green: No, it's okay, you didn't know.
Ross Geller: Oh... Little heads-up would have been nice.
Monica Geller: Thank you for letting us see the house again.
Chandler Bing: And thank you for explaining to us what escrow means... I've already forgotten what you said, but thank you.
Realtor: Take as long as you want. Just let me know when you're through.
Monica Geller: Ah, so glad you decided to come.
Joey Tribbiani: Me too. Yeah, this place is great. I'm so happy for you guys. Although, you know, I hope you like fungus.
Chandler Bing: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Fungus! Yeah. Place is full of it.
Monica Geller: No it's not. We had an inspection and they didn't find anything.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Then I guess I have dry eyes and a scratchy throat for no reason.
Monica Geller: Maybe because it's you hung your head out of the window like a dog the whole ride here.
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe. So this is the living room huh? Ooh, it's pretty dark.
Monica Geller: No it's not!
Joey Tribbiani: Are you kiddin'? I think I just saw a bat in the corner!
Chandler Bing: When your head was hanging out the window, it didn't hit a mailbox, did it?
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe. Well, I just think you guys can do better than this house, you know? Or any other house for that matter.
Monica Geller: Oh Joey, look, we know you're having a hard time with this, but we really, we love it here.
Joey Tribbiani: FINE, ok, if you love this house so much, then you should just live here, okay? I just hope you get used to that weird humming sound. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Monica Geller: Joey, we know that's you.
Joey Tribbiani: no... hmmmmm... it's not... hmmmmmmmmmm.
Mike Hannigan: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Welcome back!
Mike Hannigan: Ah! I missed you.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, me too!
Mike Hannigan: So, what's new?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm no longer Phoebe Buffay.
Mike Hannigan: That's great! You changed you name?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes I did! Meet: Princess Consuela Banana Hammock!
Mike Hannigan: You're kidding right?
Phoebe Buffay: Nope.
Mike Hannigan: You really did that?
Phoebe Buffay: Yep.
Mike Hannigan: Yeah, but you can't do that.
Phoebe Buffay: Why? It's fun, it's different, no-one else has a name like it.
Mike Hannigan: Alright, then I'm gonna change my name.
Phoebe Buffay: Great, okay, what are you gonna change it to?
Mike Hannigan: Crap Bag.
Phoebe Buffay: Mike Crap Bag?
Mike Hannigan: No, no Mike, just Crap Bag. First name Crap, last name Bag.
Phoebe Buffay: You're not serious, right?
Mike Hannigan: Yeah, I'm serious. It's fun, it's different and no-one else has a name like that!
Phoebe Buffay: Uhu, uhu, well, then, great. If you love it, I love it.
Mike Hannigan: I do love it, and I love your name. I love Princess Consuela.
Phoebe Buffay: And I love Crap.
Joey Tribbiani: Ow!
Girl: Who are you?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hi, I'm Joey. My stupid friends are buying this house. Who are you?
Girl: I'm Mackenzie. My stupid parents are selling this house.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh.
Mackenzie: I hate my parents.
Joey Tribbiani: I hate my friends. Alright, look. There's gotta be a way that we can stop this from happening.
Mackenzie: Like what?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhm... oh! Okay. You come with me, and you tell them that the house is haunted!
Mackenzie: What are you? Eight?
Joey Tribbiani: Woah, uh! Okay, let's hear your great idea.
Mackenzie: I don't have any great ideas. I am eight.
Joey Tribbiani: Ahh! There's gotta be a way. I mean, you know, if Monica and Chandler move out here and now Phoebe is married to Mike. That just leaves me and Ross and Rach, you know what I mean?
Mackenzie: I really don't.
Joey Tribbiani: What am I gonna do, I feel like I'm losing my friends.
Mackenzie: My parents say I'm gonna make new friends.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah, sure, easy for you, you're young. Me, I'm set in my ways.
Mackenzie: This is what my mom was talking about. Whiners are wieners. Look, you want your friends to be happy, right?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah, I guess.
Mackenzie: Well, if moving here is gonna make them happy, don't you want them to do it?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, maybe.
Mackenzie: Then you gotta let them go.
Joey Tribbiani: I hate to admit it, but you're probably right. How did you get to be so smart?
Mackenzie: I read a lot.
Joey Tribbiani: Just when I thought we could be friends.
Man: Hey Rach, I just heard. I'm so sorry.
Rachel Green: Oh, thank you...
Man: You still don't know my name, do you?
Rachel Green: Well, now I don't have to.
Rachel Green: Ross, what is taking you so long?
Ross Geller: I'm sorry, it's almost as if this wasn't built for a quick getaway!
Mark Robinson: Rachel?
Rachel Green: Mark? Oh my God!
Mark Robinson: How've you been?
Rachel Green: I'm fantastic. You remember Ross?
Mark Robinson: Sure, sure. What's with the chair.
Ross Geller: Uh, you know, you can't always get a seat on the subway, so...
Mark Robinson: Clever. So how are you?
Rachel Green: Oh, well, you're not catching me on my best day.
Mark Robinson: Yeah, a box full of your desk stuff doesn't exactly say big promotion.
Rachel Green: No, but it's good, you know, I'm gonna take some time off and do some charity work.
Mark Robinson: Are you sure, because we may have something at Louis Vuitton.
Rachel Green: Well, screw charity work. What've you got?
Mark Robinson: Why don't we have dinner tonight and talk about it?
Rachel Green: Great! I'll call ya!
Mark Robinson: Nice to see you.
Ross Geller: Yeah! yeah, I got tenure!
Rachel Green: Oh my God!
Ross Geller: See? I told you something good would come along. And he seemed really nice. I've met him before?
Rachel Green: Ross! That's Mark. From Bloomingdales? You were insanely jealous of him.
Ross Geller: That is Mark?
Rachel Green: Yes.
Ross Geller: I hate that guy.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Ross Geller: No, no, NO, you cannot go to dinner with him.
Rachel Green: What? You don't want me to get a job?
Ross Geller: Oh yeah, I'm sure he's gonna give you a job. Maybe make you his SEXretary.
Rachel Green: Ugh.
Ross Geller: I'm serious. I just don't trust that guy, okay?
Rachel Green: Ross, you know what? Okay, let's talk about it later, there comes security.
Monica Geller: Oh, I love this street. The trees, the big front yards, the actual picket fences.
Chandler Bing: Man, those two dogs are going at it!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey, where have you been?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, just er... you know, looking around. But you know what? This house... is great.
Chandler Bing: Really? What changed your mind?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh well, the little girl who lives here made me feel a lot better about the whole thing.
Chandler Bing: Joey, there was a little girl who lived here, but she died like 30 years ago.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Chandler Bing: Ha! I'm just messing with you.
Joey Tribbiani: That's not funny! You know I'm afraid of little girl ghosts!
Monica Geller: Joey, now that you're okay with the house, do you wanna go see your room?
Joey Tribbiani: What? I get my own room?
Chandler Bing: You don't think we'd buy a house and not have a Joey room do you?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God! Oh! Hey, can I have an aquarium? And a sex swing?
Joey Tribbiani: Why not? I'll keep the tank clean.
Mike Hannigan: After you, miss Banana Hammock.
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you, mister Bag.
Woman: Oh hey, how are you?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh hi Rita! Good! Oh, Rita's a massage client.
Mike Hannigan: Oh! Why don't you introduce me?
Phoebe Buffay: Er, Rita, this is my husband.
Rita: Oh!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Mike Hannigan: Why don't you tell her my name?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I will. This is my husband Crap Bag.
Rita: Crap Bag?
Mike Hannigan: If you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap.
Rita: Okay. Excuse me...
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah... Ogh... Okay, fine. You made your point. Can you please just be Mike Hannigan again?
Mike Hannigan: Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe Buffay: How about uhm... How about Buffay-Hannigan?
Mike Hannigan: Really?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. I'm Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan Banana Hammock.
Mike Hannigan: Do you even know what a banana hammock is?
Phoebe Buffay: It's a funny word.
Mike Hannigan: It's a Speedo.
Phoebe Buffay: ...Oh crap!
Ross Geller: Hey, is Rachel here?
Monica Geller: No.
Ross Geller: She's still at dinner?
Monica Geller: I guess. Why? Who's she with?
Ross Geller: That guy Mark. From Bloomingdale's... She thinks he's just being nice to her. But I know he really wants to sleep with her.
Chandler Bing: It's seven years ago. My time machine works!
Ross Geller: We ran into him on the street today and he said he might have a job for her. But I know he just wants to get into her pants.
Monica Geller: So what if he wants to sleep with her? I mean, she's single and he's cute.
Chandler Bing: Excuse me?
Monica Geller: Oh please! Yesterday on the subway? You couldn't stop staring at that woman with the big breasts the whole time.
Chandler Bing: For your information, I was staring at her baby. We're about to be parents.
Monica Geller: Oh, sorry!
Rachel Green: Hi you guys!
Ross Geller: Hey, so uhm... How was dinner?
Rachel Green: Oh, it was great. Mark is so sweet.
Ross Geller: Oh yeah? Yeah? I wonder why? What could that smarmy letch possibly want?
Rachel Green: Oh Ross, come on. He's happily married. His wife just had twins.
Ross Geller: Should we send something?
Chandler Bing: How did the job stuff go?
Rachel Green: He offered me one.
Chandler Bing: That's great!
Ross Geller: Congratulations!
Rachel Green: I know, it's amazing. It's amazing. It's so much better than what I had at Ralph Lauren. The money is great...
Ross Geller: Can we, can we just stop for a second? Who said something better would come along, huh? You didn't believe me. I told you everything was gonna work out. You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israels finest.
Rachel Green: The job is in Paris.
Joey Tribbiani: I mean, this soap opera is a great gig, but... am I missing opportunities? You know, I've always thought of myself as a serious actor. I mean, should I be trying to do more independent movies?
Mackenzie: I don't know... You know what? I'm gonna put you on with my bear. Hold on.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey bear, I need some career advice.