Janice Litman Goralnik: Janice has a question. Who of the six of you has sleep with the six of you?
Phoebe Buffay: Wow, it's like a dirty math problem.
Ross Geller: I'm sorry the answer there would be...none of us.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Come on over the years none of you ever y'know, got drunk and stupid.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, that's really a different question.
Janice Litman Goralnik: I'm sorry I find it hard to believe that a group of people who spends as much time together as you guys do has never bumped uglies.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together.
Rachel Green: Excuse me, there was no time!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, but let's say there was. How might that go?
Janice Litman Goralnik: Okay, okay, well then answer me this. Has any of you ever... almost?
Rachel Green: Does anybody need more coffee?
Ross Geller: Yeah, I'll take some.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, there's a dog out there!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, that is so unfortunate.
Ross Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Cute naked guy is really starting to put on weight.
Monica Geller: Okay, I'll be back in just a minute. Oh, Phoebe I'm sorry that I left lipstick marks on the phone.
Phoebe Buffay: You didn't leave lipstick marks on the phone.
Monica Geller: Oh, then it must've been you. Bye.
Phoebe Buffay: Bye-bye! That's why I moved out.
Ross Geller: Hey, y'know while we're on that, when are you gonna tell my sister that you don't live here anymore.
Phoebe Buffay: I think on some levels she already knows.
Ross Geller: Phoebe, she doesn't know that you sneak out every night, she doesn't know that you sneak back every morning, and she doesn't know that you've been living with your Grandmother's for a week now.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, well maybe not on those levels.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Chandler Bing: I'm never gonna find a roommate, ever.
Phoebe Buffay: Why, nobody good?
Chandler Bing: Well let's see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that's plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing Bing! Great apartment Chandler Bing, Bing!
Ross Geller: So how many more do you have tomorrow?
Chandler Bing: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I'm not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone 'Chandler Bing,' he said 'Whoa-whoa, short message.'
Monica Geller: Ross , foot on the floor or come over no more!
Ross Geller: Sure, your dresser is missing but this she notices.
Monica Geller: What?
Ross Geller: I have to go. Yeah, Carol should be home by now, soo...
Chandler Bing: Umm, how's it going with you guys?
Ross Geller: Oh, better, actually. Y'know I-I-I think I finally figured out why we were having so much trouble lately.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, really?
Ross Geller: Yeah, y'know how I have you guys, well she doesn't really have any close friends that are just hers, but last week she meet this woman at the gym, Susan something, and they really hit it off, and I-I-I think it's gonna make a difference
Chandler Bing: Soo, ah, Eric, what kind of photography do ya do?
Eric (photographer): Oh, mostly fashion, so there may be models here from time to time, I hope that's cool.
Chandler Bing: Yes, that is cool. Because I have models here y'know...never.
Eric (photographer): Oh, yeah, during the summer, I spend most weekends at my sister's beach house, which you are welcome to use by the way. Although, I should probably tell you, she's a porn star.
Chandler Bing: Well, listen I ah, still have one more person to ah meet, but unless it turns out to be your sister, I think you're chances are pretty good. All right.
Chandler Bing: Bedroom. Bathroom. Living room. This right here is the kitchen, and thanks for coming by, Bye-bye.
Joey Tribbiani: Don't you ah, don't you wanna ask me any questions?
Chandler Bing: Sure. Ummm. What's up?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, ah, I'm an actor. I'm fairly neat. I ah, I got my own TV. Oh, and don't worry I'm totally okay with the gay thing.
Chandler Bing: What gay thing?
Joey Tribbiani: Ah, y'know just in general people being gay, thing. I'm totally cool with that.
Chandler Bing: Well okay Jerry, thanks for stopping by.
Monica Geller: Hi.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey, Mon.
Monica Geller: Hey-hey-hey. You wanna hear something that sucks.
Chandler Bing: Do I ever.
Monica Geller: Chris says they're closing down the bar.
Chandler Bing: No way!
Monica Geller: Yeah, apparently they're turning it into some kinda coffee place.
Chandler Bing: Just coffee! Where are we gonna hang out now?
Monica Geller: Got me.
Chandler Bing: Can I get a beer.
Monica Geller: Hey, did you pick a roommate?
Chandler Bing: You betcha!
Monica Geller: Is it the Italian guy?
Chandler Bing: Um-mm, yeah right!
Monica Geller: He's so cute.
Chandler Bing: Oh yes, and that's what I want a roommate that I can walk around with and be referred to as the funny one.
Monica Geller: Oh look, the pool table's free. Rack 'em up. I'll be back in just a minute. Get ready for me to whip your butt.
Chandler Bing: Okay, but after that, we're shootin' some pool.
Rachel Green: Oh, um, no, no, no, no excuse me, hello. Hi. My friend ordered an onion, not an olive, and uh I ordered a rum and Diet Coke, which I don't think this is.
Waitress: I am so sorry.
Rachel Green: That's all right. I mean hard is it to get a couple drinks right, huh?
Friend No. 1: Well, I would like to propose a toast to the woman, who in one year from today, become Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber DDS
Rachel Green: Ummm, I think it's time to see the ring again.
Friend No. 2: Oh, isn't it exciting, I mean it's like having a boyfriend for life.
Rachel Green: Yeah, I know.
Friend No. 1: What?
Rachel Green: Oh, I don't know. Well maybe it's just the idea of Barry for the rest of my life. I don't know I think I feel like I need to have one last fling, y'know, just to sorta get it out of my system.
Friend No. 1: Rachel stop!
Friend No. 2: You're so bad!
Rachel Green: I'm serious, I really, I think I need just to have some...meaningless, sex y'know, with the next guy that I see.
Chandler Bing: Excuse, I seem to have dropped my ball.
Rachel Green: Yeah, so?
Chandler Bing: And now I've picked it up again.
Monica Geller: Oh my God, I went to high school with her. Rachel! Hi!
Rachel Green: Monica! Look! Hi! What do ya think?
Monica Geller: Oh my God, you can't even see where the Titanic hit it.
Rachel Green: Yes, his name is Barry, he's a doctor, thank you very much.
Monica Geller: Awww, just like you always wanted. Congratulations
Rachel Green: Thank you. So how-how 'bout you, are-are you seeing anybody?
Monica Geller: Aww, not right now.
Rachel Green: Oh, but that's okay.
Monica Geller: I know.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Monica Geller: So, I'll get-get back to my friend.
Rachel Green: Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. Listen, can we please have lunch the next time I'm in the city?
Monica Geller: Oh, that'd be great.
Rachel Green: Okay!
Monica Geller: Thanks.
Rachel Green: Bye!
Monica Geller: Bye! Ten bucks says, I never see that woman again in my life.
Ross Geller: No real-, honey, really it's fine, just g-go with Susan. Really, I, no, I think girls night out is a great idea. Okay, okay, bye
Phoebe Buffay: So what are they doing?
Ross Geller: I don't know, something girlie.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, you're early.
Monica Geller: What are you doing with the lamp?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm just taking it to be re-wired.
Monica Geller: Oh, well don't take it to the same place you took the stereo, 'cause they've had that thing for over a week.
Phoebe Buffay: No, no, Mr. Heckles no one is making any noise up here.
Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice.
Phoebe Buffay: You don't play the oboe!
Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe!
Phoebe Buffay: Then I'm gonna have to ask you to keep it down.
Mr. Heckles: Who are you?
Eric (photographer): Hi, I'm Eric, I'm gonna be Chandler's new roommate.
Mr. Heckles: I'm Chandler's new roommate.
Eric (photographer): I-I-I don't think so.
Mr. Heckles: I could be Chandler's new roommate.
Eric (photographer): But, he told me over the phone.
Mr. Heckles: He told me in person.
Eric (photographer): That's weird.
Mr. Heckles: Well, I'm going to go into my new apartment now. Ehh!
Monica Geller: Hi, again.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: Thank you soo, much.
Chandler Bing: Oh, don't thank me, thank the jerk that never showed up. Okay, I gotta get to get to work.
Monica Geller: You want some help with that?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, no thanks, I got it. No I don't!
Monica Geller: Whoa! Are you okay?
Joey Tribbiani: Whew! Stood up to fast, got a little head rush.
Monica Geller: It's the heat. And-and the humidity.
Joey Tribbiani: That's a uh, that's a tough combination.
Monica Geller: Do you wanna come in for some lemonade?
Joey Tribbiani: Like you wouldn't believe. Wow! This is a great place.
Monica Geller: Thank you. Just make yourself comfortable.
Joey Tribbiani: Gotcha.
Monica Geller: This place is really my Grandmother's. I got it from her when she moved to Florida, otherwise I could never afford a place like this. So if the landlord ever asks, I'm 87 year old woman, who's afraid of her VCR. So are you thirsty?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you bet I am!
Monica Geller: Okay, here's your penis!
Monica Geller: Oh my God!!! What are you doing?!!
Joey Tribbiani: You said, you wanna come in for some lemonade?
Monica Geller: So?!
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, ah!! We're you just gonna give me some lemonade?
Monica Geller: Yeah huh!! Cover yourself up!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh right, right.
Monica Geller: I don't believe this! When someone asks you in for lemonade, and to you that means they wanna have sex?
Joey Tribbiani: Well usually...yeah! Well, not just lemonade, iced tea, sometimes juice. Well, sorry, I just, I thought you liked me. I'm such a jerk.
Monica Geller: It's okay. I suppose it could happen to anyone, not anyone I know, but... By the way I can still see it.
Monica Geller: Pheebs?
Phoebe Buffay: Huh?
Monica Geller: Where's your bed?
Phoebe Buffay: It's not in the apartment? Oh no. I can't believe this is happening again.
Monica Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, enough with the third degree! I-I've, I don't live here anymore.
Monica Geller: What are you talking about?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, I-I-I-I don't live here anymore. I-I didn't know how to tell you, but y'know everybody else knows!
Monica Geller: Everybody knows!
Phoebe Buffay: That was supposed to be a good thing, I forget why. Just listen, Monica, I, do you know, okay, do you know, I couldn't sleep for like a month because I got like a dot of ink on one of the sofa cushions.
Monica Geller: Well, you-you coulda just turned the cushion over.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I would've except I had a big spaghetti stain on the other side.
Monica Geller: What?!?!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, this is what I'm talking about, this. I-I need to live in a land where people can spill.
Monica Geller: You can spill. In the sink.
Phoebe Buffay: Aw, honey it's not your fault, y'know this is who you are, and I love you, and I want us to be friends, and if I keep living here I don't see that happening.
Monica Geller: I love you, too.
Phoebe Buffay: Aww, good. What?
Monica Geller: What? I'm just said.
Phoebe Buffay: No you're not, you're wondering which cushion it is.
Chandler Bing: So ah, whatcha watching?
Joey Tribbiani: Baywatch.
Chandler Bing: What's it about?
Joey Tribbiani: Lifeguards.
Chandler Bing: Well, it sounds kinda stupid... Who's she?
Joey Tribbiani: Nicole Eggert. You'll like her.
Chandler Bing: Wow! Look at them run.
Joey Tribbiani: They do that a lot. Hey, you want a beer?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I'll go get one.
Joey Tribbiani: No, no, no, don't get up, I got a cooler right here.
Chandler Bing: Well, hello!
Monica Geller: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Do you have any beers? We're out of beers.
Monica Geller: Help yourself.
Chandler Bing: You okay?
Monica Geller: Phoebe moved out.
Chandler Bing: Right.
Monica Geller: I don't understand, I mean am I so hard to live, is this why I don't have a boyfriend?
Chandler Bing: Noo!! You don't have a boyfriend because...I don't, I don't know why you don't have a boyfriend. You should have a boyfriend.
Monica Geller: Well, I think so.
Chandler Bing: Oh-ho, come here. Listen, you are one of my favourite people and the most beautiful woman I've ever known in real life.
Ross Geller: Hi. Where is everybody?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's already closed, Chris gave me the keys to lock up-what is wrong?
Ross Geller: My marriage, I think my marriage is um, is kinda over.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no! Why?
Ross Geller: 'Cause Carol's a lesbian. And, and I'm not one. And apparently it's not a mix and match situation.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! I don't believe it! Oh, you poor bunny.
Ross Geller: I'm an idiot. I mean shoulda seen it, I mean Carol and I'd be out and she'd, she'd see some beautiful woman, and, and she'd be Ross y'know look at her, and I'd think, God, my wife is cool!
Phoebe Buffay: Aw! Hey, do you think that Susan person is her lover?
Ross Geller: Well, now I do!!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry.
Ross Geller: Seven years. I mean we've been together seven years, she's the only woman who's ever loved me, and the only woman I've-I've ever...
Phoebe Buffay: Aw, God Ross. Oh.
Chandler Bing: Umm, this is nice.
Monica Geller: I know, it is isn't it?
Chandler Bing: No, I mean it, this feels really good. Is it a hundred percent cotton?
Monica Geller: Yeah! And I got it on sale, too.
Chandler Bing: Anyway, I should go, one of the lifeguards was just about to dismantle a nuclear device.
Monica Geller: Well, if you wanna get a drink later we can.
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, that sounds great. Oh, and listen, it's, it's gonna be...
Monica Geller: I know. Thanks.
Ross Geller: Maybe this would've happened if I'd been more nurturing, or I'd paid more attention, or I... had a uterus. I can't believe this!
Phoebe Buffay: I know no, no, y'know you don't deserve this, you don't Ross. You're, you're really, you're so good.
Ross Geller: Thanks.
Phoebe Buffay: And you're so sweet. And you're kind
Ross Geller: Thanks.
Ross Geller: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Phoebe Buffay: Huh?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, it's okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Ross Geller: Wait, wait, wait.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Ross Geller: My foot is stuck in the pocket.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Ross Geller: No, I can't get it out.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, that's not something a girl wants to hear.
Ross Geller: No, come on don't start. Ouch!
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Ross Geller: Stupid balls are in the way.
Ross Geller: Oh well. It probably would've been the most constructive solution.
Phoebe Buffay: You have chalk on your face.
Ross Geller: Huh?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, Ross you're right, I don't know why I always thought this was real grass.
Monica Geller: Hey, are you okay?
Ross Geller: My wife's a lesbian.
Joey Tribbiani: Cool!!
Chandler Bing: Ross-Joey, Joey-Ross.
Ross Geller: Hi.
Chandler Bing: I can't believe you came back.
Rachel Green: Don't say anything. I don't wanna speak, I don't wanna think. I just want you to take me and kiss me and make love to me right here, right now.
Friend No. 2: Rachel! Rachel!
Rachel Green: What?
Friend No. 2: You missed the exit!
Rachel Green: Oh, sorry.
Friend No. 1: My God, what were you thinking about?
Rachel Green: Um, Barry.
Her Friends: Awwww!!


Ross Geller: So I told Carl, 'Nobody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.' But of course this went in one ear and out...
Rachel Green: I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend he's Alan Alda.
Monica Geller: Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct?
Chandler Bing: If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best.
Gunther: What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife.
Phoebe Buffay: Who's singing?
Ross Geller: Hey. When you guys were kids and you played Happy Days, who were you? I was always Richie.
Monica Geller: I was always Joanne.
Joey Tribbiani: Question. Was ah, 'Egg the Gellers!' the war cry of your neighbourhood?
Phoebe Buffay: Ewww! Oh! It's the Mattress King!
Joey Tribbiani: Booo!!
Chandler Bing: Don't look honey. Change the channel! Change the channel!
Janice Litman Goralnik: Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of that kingdom is gonna be mine.
Matress King: 'Despair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. I'm so depressed I'm going to slash... my prices!! Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! I'm going medieval on prices!
Chandler Bing: What a wank!
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, I cannot believe he's using our divorce to sell mattresses.
Monica Geller: I know! And four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set, who cares about the divorce, those babies will sell themselves. And I'm appalled for you by the way.
Matress King: I'm close. I'm cheap. I'm the king.
Rachel Green: 'Okay. Okay, daddy we'll see you tomorrow night. Okay bye-bye.'
Ross Geller: We?
Rachel Green: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that's okay.
Ross Geller: Oh shoot, tomorrow's not so good, I'm supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry.
Rachel Green: Ross, my father doesn't hate you.
Ross Geller: Please, he refers to me as 'wethead'.
Rachel Green: But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Okay, look, I know, all right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me, please. I just want him to love you like I do. All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but, if you do come to dinner, I'll love you like I do in that black thing that you like.
Chandler Bing: I'll go.
Ross Geller: Fine.
Rachel Green: Thank you.
Ross Geller: Hi Gunther.
Gunther: Yeah, we'll see!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you guys!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Guess what?
Ross Geller: What?
Joey Tribbiani: I got a gig!
Everyone: Yay!!
Chandler Bing: See, that's why I could never be an actor. Because I can't say gig.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I can't say croissant. Oh my God!
Monica Geller: What's the part?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, it's not a part, no. I'm teaching acting for soap operas down at the Learning Extension.
Ross Geller: Come on! That's great.
Everyone: Wow!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah. It's like my chance to give something back to the acting community.
Ross Geller: Y'know your probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students.
Joey Tribbiani: I know!
Phoebe Buffay: Ugh! I don't know Monica. It feels funny just being here. I mean if you buy a bed from Janice's ex-husband, that's like betraying Chandler.
Monica Geller: Not at these prices.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store. Woo!
Monica Geller: Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy.
Phoebe Buffay: Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know, Chandler's your friend... Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can make other friends.
Joey Tribbiani: Good evening. I'm Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be teaching acting for soap operas. Now um, on my first day as Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives, I learned that one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean acting again, it means, you don't have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes like this. Thanks, thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget to work in soap operas some of you will have to become much more attractive. All right, moving right along.
Joey Tribbiani: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Ooh! How was teaching last night?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff like, 'Hey, the bell doesn't dismiss you, I dismiss you.'
Phoebe Buffay: Ooooh, nice.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, and guess what, I got an audition for All My Children.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yay!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, it's this great part, this boxer named Nick. And I'm so, so right for it, y'know, he's just like me. Except he's a boxer, and has an evil twin.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Guy: Dom da-da dom! Here ye! Here ye! Delivery from the Mattress King. You Miss Geller?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Guy: Sign here.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, do I have a middle name. All right Monica Velula Geller. It's that bedroom there.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, so please, please, please, don't say anything to Chandler.
Joey Tribbiani: You want me to lie to Chandler?
Phoebe Buffay: Is that a problem?
Joey Tribbiani: No.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer let's see what you got. All right ya, put 'em up. Come on.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you're ah, pretty good at this.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, well I had to learn, I was staying at the Y and some off the young men weren't acting Christian enough.
Joey Tribbiani: Ahh!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey now!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!!! Oww!! And I'm bleeding.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, great.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! And I'm a vegetarian! All right, all right, well I'm sorry, we'll put some ice on it.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: 'Kay, put your head back.
Joey Tribbiani: All right. I can't see.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, I have ya. Oh God.
Guy: Which bedroom do ya want it in Miss Geller?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's the compulsively neat one by the window, okay.
Guy: Gotcha.
Rachel Green: Hi Daddy!
Leonard Green: This where they put it? What, there no table available in the kitchen! Hello, baby.
Rachel Green: You remember Ross.
Leonard Green: Um-hmm.
Ross Geller: Nice to see you again Dr. Green.
Leonard Green: So! How's the library?
Ross Geller: Ugh, museum.
Leonard Green: What happened to the library?
Ross Geller: There never was a library. I mean there are libraries, its just that I ah, I never worked at one.
Leonard Green: You know what's really good here, the lobster. What do you say shall I just order three.
Ross Geller: Yeah, if you're really hungry. It was a joke, I made a joke.
Rachel Green: Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to lobster.
Leonard Green: What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a library.
Ross Geller: It's not a library...
Leonard Green: I know!! It's a museum! What, you're the only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu.
Ross Geller: So, Dr. Green, how's the old boat.
Leonard Green: They found rust. You know what rust does to a boat?
Ross Geller: It gives it a nice antiquey look.
Leonard Green: Rust, is boat cancer, Ross.
Ross Geller: Wow. I'm sorry, when I was a kid I lost a bike to that.
Leonard Green: Excuse me for a moment, will you please, I want to say good night to the Levines, before we go.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Ross Geller: Okay!
Rachel Green: Aw honey stop! It's not that bad.
Ross Geller: Yeah. Op! Uh-oh! I think your Dad must've added wrong. He only tipped like four percent.
Rachel Green: Yeah. That's Daddy.
Ross Geller: That's Daddy?! But doesn't it bother you? You're a waitress.
Rachel Green: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a regular at the coffee house, I'd be serving him sneezers.
Ross Geller: So?
Rachel Green: So. Ross, I've bugged him about this a million times, he's not gonna change.
Ross Geller: You really serve people sneezers?
Rachel Green: Well um, I don't.
Leonard Green: You kids ready?
Ross Geller: Thanks again, Dr. Green.
Leonard Green: All right.
Leonard Green: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I forgot my receipt.
Ross Geller: Oh, ah, you don't need that.
Leonard Green: Why not?
Ross Geller: The carbon, it's messy, I mean it gets on your fingers and causes, the, the ah, night blindness.
Leonard Green: What is this? Who put a twenty down here? Huh?
Ross Geller: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem I-I tip way too much, way, way, too much, it's a sickness really.
Rachel Green: Yeah it is, it is. We really, really have to do something about that.
Ross Geller: I know.
Leonard Green: Excuse me, you think I'm cheap?
Rachel Green: Oh Daddy, no he didn't mean anything by that, he really didn't.
Ross Geller: Nothing I do means anything, really.
Leonard Green: This is nice. I pay two hundred dollars for dinner, you put down twenty, and you come out looking like Mr. Big Shot. You really want to be Mr. Big Shot? Here, I'll tell you what, you pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot, all right.
Ross Geller: Well Mr. Big Shot is better than 'wethead'.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it' Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.
Student: Hey, Mr. Trib.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey.
Student: Guess what, I got an audition!
Joey Tribbiani: Awww, one of my students got an audition. I'm so proud.
Student: I was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it?
Joey Tribbiani: You bet! What's the part?
Student: Oh it's great, it's a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer.
Rachel Green: You had to do it, didn't you? You couldn't just leave it alone.
Ross Geller: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when there's a bug in my food.
Rachel Green: Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along. Oh, would you just see my chiropractor, already.
Ross Geller: Yeah, I'm gonna go to a doctor who went to school in a mini-mall.
Ross Geller: Hey Pheebs, what are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm, I'm freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something and she shouldn't have! All right, I haven't lived here in a while, so I have to ask you something. Does Monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom?
Rachel Green: Um. yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: I am soo dead.
Rachel Green: All right, look, here's the bottom line Ross, this is fixable, if we act fast, okay. So, I'll invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice.
Ross Geller: Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn't work.
Rachel Green: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but that's why you have got to be the bigger man here.
Ross Geller: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn't make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say 'Like me! Like me tiny doctor!'
Rachel Green: Okay, well can't you just try it one more time Ross? For me? For me?
Ross Geller: Rachel one brunch is not gonna solve anything. You gotta face it, okay we're never gonna get along.
Rachel Green: Okay, well you are just gonna have too, okay. Because I already got a Mother and a Father who cannot stay in the same room together, okay, I don't wanna have to have a separate room for you too!!
Ross Geller: Okay, okay, okay. I'll get the bagels.
Monica Geller: What's this?
Phoebe Buffay: Isn't it cool! Varoom! Varoom!
Monica Geller: This is not the bed I ordered!
Phoebe Buffay: I know, you must've won like a contest or something!
Monica Geller: Phoebe!
Monica Geller: Why is this car in my bedroom?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, okay, I-I wasn't looking, and the store says that they won't take it back because you signed for it...
Monica Geller: When did I sign for it?
Phoebe Buffay: When I was you! Y'know what, it's all Joey's fault, 'cause he left his nose open!
Monica Geller: Did you make brownies today?
Chandler Bing: Knock, knock.
Monica Geller: Quick, take off your dress, he won't notice the bed.
Chandler Bing: Hey, I'm going for sushi does anybody want.. Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp.
Phoebe Buffay: It's Monica's bed. What?
Chandler Bing: Okay. It's a racecar.
Phoebe Buffay: So. This has always been Monica's bed, what you're just noticing now, how self-involved are you?
Chandler Bing: Okay, well it this bed isn't new, how come there is plastic on the mattress?
Monica Geller: Sometimes I have bad dreams.
Student: Look, I just saw my best friends brains smeared across the canvas, that's not gonna be me, not me.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! That was good. That was... Tweezers?
Student: No.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa. That was really good.
Student: Thanks, any suggestions?
Chandler Bing: You told him to play the boxer gay!!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I-I might've said supergay.
Chandler Bing: You totally screwed him over.
Monica Geller: Joey, you're this guy's teacher. I mean how could you do this?
Joey Tribbiani: Because, Monica, the guy's so good, and I really, really want this part.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, if you really, really want it, then it's okay.
Rachel Green: Hi Daddy.
Leonard Green: Baby. Ross.
Ross Geller: Dr. Green. How are you?
Leonard Green: Thanks for dinner last night.
Ross Geller: Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.
Leonard Green: Nice hair. What'd ya do? Swim here?
Ross Geller: Okay, that's it, I can't take it anymore.
Rachel Green: What? What? He's interested in you. He-he likes your hair, he just wants to know how you got here.
Ross Geller: Oh, please. Sweetie it's hopeless, okay, I'm just gonna go.
Rachel Green: What?!
Ross Geller: Look, look I'm sorry. It's just that...
Leonard Green: Ross? What's with the neck?
Rachel Green: He's got this thing. And I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor...
Leonard Green: You're still going to that chiropractor, that man couldn't get into medical school in Extapa!
Ross Geller: Thank you! That's what I keep saying.
Rachel Green: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor.
Ross Geller: Uh.
Leonard Green: Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby?
Rachel Green: Well that's his last name.
Ross Geller: And his first name.
Leonard Green: He's Bobby Bobby?
Rachel Green: It's Robert Bobby.
Leonard Green: Oh.
Rachel Green: And um, excuse me, he helps me.
Ross Geller: Oh-ho please. Ask her how?
Leonard Green: What do you need help for?
Rachel Green: With my alignment. I've got one leg shorter than the other.
Leonard Green: Oh God!
Ross Geller: Argue with that.
Rachel Green: What? It's true, my right leg is two inches shorter.
Leonard Green: Come on! You're just titling! Her legs are fine!
Ross Geller: I know that!
Leonard Green: So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for?
Rachel Green: I'm sorry, let her?
Ross Geller: What can I do, she doesn't listen to me about renter's insurance either.
Leonard Green: Wait a minute, you don't have renter's insurance?!
Rachel Green: No.
Leonard Green: Well what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna run after him with one leg shorter than the other?!
Ross Geller: Hey, would you ah, would you like some juice?
Leonard Green: I'd love some juice. Thanks.
Ross Geller: Okay. Wow! This is going so well. Did you see us? Did you see?
Rachel Green: Yeah honey, I'm standing right there! Why didn't you just tell him about the mole I haven't got checked yet.
Ross Geller: Excellent!
Joey Tribbiani: There will come a time in each of your careers when you'll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And I'm ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. And now, he's got a two year contract opposite Susan Luchhi, the first lady of daytime television, and me, me I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Thank you.
Jester: Uh, may I help you?
Monica Geller: Yeah, I talked to you on the phone, I'm the lady that got stuck with the racecar bed.
Jester: Look, it's like I told you, there's nothing I can do. You signed for it, Monica Velula Geller.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, Jester man, look we wanna see the king.
Jester: Nobody sees the king!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh-ho-kay, I'm talking to the king.
Jester: Hey! You can't go back there!
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh my God.
Chandler Bing: Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrrrrrrrom! Hey-hey good lookin'! Varrrrrrrrroom. All right, I'll leave. My bed's so boring.


Rachel Green: Here you go Pheebs. Who else wants one of my special homemade brownies?
Chandler Bing: I will have one.
Chandler Bing: Okay, I'm not gonna have one.
Ross Geller: Neither will I.
Phoebe Buffay: No, no, it's just my tooth.
Chandler Bing: All right I'll have one.
Ross Geller: So what's a matter, you need a dentist? I've got a good one.
Phoebe Buffay: No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can't see him.
Chandler Bing: See that is the problem with invisible dentists.
Ross Geller: Why? Why can't you go to him?
Phoebe Buffay: Because, every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies.
Chandler Bing: That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist's blouse.
Rachel Green: Phoebe, what? Umm...what?!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, and then there was umm, John, my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend 'Albino Bob'.
Rachel Green: And all these people actually died?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, while I was in the chair! That's why I take such good care of my teeth now, y'know, it's not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives!
Ross Geller: Pheebs, come on, you didn't kill anybody, these people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. It's, it's, it's just ah, a coincidence.
Phoebe Buffay: Well tell that to them. Oh! You can't, their dead.
Ross Geller: Thanks, Gunther. Hey! Umm, can I get a napkin too?
Gunther: Oh, like you don't already have everything.
Phoebe Buffay: Ow! Ow!
Rachel Green: Phoebe, your in pain, would you just go to the dentist, just go.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, fine, fine, but if you're my next victim, don't come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set.
Rachel Green: I promise.
Phoebe Buffay: Although, don't feel like you can't visit.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, is, is, is Chandler here?
Ross Geller: No, no he's not.
Monica Geller: You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband.
Ross Geller: What? So what are you going to do? I mean how, how are you going to tell Chandler?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way would be, to not.
Rachel Green: Joey, you can't keep this to yourself, if you know about this, you have to tell him.
Joey Tribbiani: It'll kill him. I mean it'll, it'll just kill him.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, you could wait 'til I go to the dentist, maybe I'll kill him.
Joey Tribbiani: Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his new hammock. It's like a Play-Doo Fat Factory.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm going to the dentist, so listen, okay, just be on the look out for anything that, that, that you can fall into, or, or that can fall on you, or... All right, just look out! Okay, And um, I also just wanna, I just wanna tell you all that um...
Ross Geller: Okay, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few hours, some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display.
Joey Tribbiani: What did they do?
Ross Geller: Well, they painted over the word 'Sapien' for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, let's just leave it at that.
Monica Geller: So, do you want me to watch Ben for you?
Ross Geller: Yes, that's what I was going to ask, thank you.
Rachel Green: Whoa! Wait! Hello! What about me?
Ross Geller: You? You! Want to watch Ben? Yes! That'd be great, no, I just wanted to ask Monica, because I know how empty her life is.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey, Ross?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: I've got a science question.
Ross Geller: Hmm?
Joey Tribbiani: If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact 'Homo-sapien', is that why there extinct?
Ross Geller: Joey, Homo Sapiens are people.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey, I'm not judging.
Rachel Green: Look Benny, spoon. Spoon. Come on! All right, y'know what I think he's bored.
Monica Geller: Here. Ben, do you wanna play the airplane game, do you wanna show Rachel? Come here. We're gonna do something fun. Okay. Weee!! Weee!!
Monica Geller: Who's so brave, you're so brave, yes you are, you're so brave.
Rachel Green: Okay. Okay honey, he's fine, he's fine, let's just put him down. Come here, Ben. See that's a good boy. How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?!
Monica Geller: He's not gonna say anything, because we're not gonna tell him.
Rachel Green: We're not?!
Monica Geller: No we're not.
Rachel Green: All right, I like that.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Rachel Green: So we're okay, we're okay, we're okay, aren't we? No, we're not okay, we're not okay, there's a bump, there's a bump.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! Well push it in! Push it in!
Rachel Green: I cannot push it in!
Monica Geller: Okay, we're gonna need a distraction.
Rachel Green: Okay, okay, okay.
Monica Geller: I got it!
Rachel Green: Okay.
Monica Geller: The second that Ross walks in that door, I want you take him back to your bedroom and do whatever it is that you do that makes him go, rweee!!
Rachel Green: Or. We could put a hat on his head.
Monica Geller: A hat! Yes! We need a hat.
Rachel Green: We need a hat..
Monica Geller: Where are we gonna find a tiny little hat?
Rachel Green: Oh, oh, oh, I'll get 'Rainy Day Bear'!!
Monica Geller: Because he'll know what to do? Oh my God, you're a genius!
Rachel Green: Oh God, oh God, it's sowed on though.
Monica Geller: Give it. Give it.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Rachel Green: Oh, it's just like a bloodbath in here today.
Chandler Bing: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do you think these pearls are nice?
Joey Tribbiani: I'd really prefer a mountain bike.
Chandler Bing: Janice's birthday is coming up, I want to get her something speacial. Come in here with me.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. Do you ah, want to get her something speacial, get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum, girls love gum.
Chandler Bing: That's a good idea, 'Dear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba birthday'. I would like to get her something serious.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you want something serious. Y'know what you should do, you should get her one of those um, barium enemas. Those are dead serious.
Chandler Bing: All right. Look, I'm gonna go in here, and you don't buy me anything ever.
Joey Tribbiani: No, no, you can't, you can't, okay, you can't, you can't buy her pearls, you just can't, you can't, you can't.
Chandler Bing: Why not?!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh God. Uh, okay, here's the thing, this is the thing, okay, the thing is...
Chandler Bing: What is the thing?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. I went down to the 'Mattress King' showroom and, and I saw Janice, kissing her ex-husband.
Chandler Bing: What?
Joey Tribbiani: They were in his office.
Chandler Bing: Well she, she wouldn't do that, she's with, she's with me.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm telling you man, I saw it.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, well, you're wrong! Okay, you're wrong.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm not wrong! I wish I was. I'm sorry. Bet that barium enema doesn't sound so bad now, huh?
Monica Geller: It just makes more sense as an ensemble.
Rachel Green: Right.
Monica Geller: Besides, it takes the focus off the hat.
Phoebe Buffay: No! Oh! You're alive! You're alive!
Rachel Green: See Pheebs, I promised you no one would die, didn't I?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, well, we'll see about that. Can I use your phone? I just wanna call everyone I know.
Monica Geller: Sure, we have no money, go ahead.
Phoebe Buffay: 'Hey! You're not dead! Okay, see ya!'
Ben Geller: Monica.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! He just said my name! Did you hear that?
Ben Geller: Monica bang!
Rachel Green: Okay, I heard that.
Monica Geller: Did he just say 'Monica bang'?
Rachel Green: Uh-huh.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! He's gonna rat me out!
Ben Geller: Monica bang!
Monica Geller: Oh-ho-ho, sweetie, sweetie, you gotta stop saying that, now. It's no big deal, it's not even worth mentioning, you see we all do it all the time. See watch this, Ben, Ben, Ben. Ow, Monica bang! Everybody bang. Ben bang. Rachel bang. Bang, Rachel bang! Oh, isn't that fun?
Rachel Green: Look at that! Look at that! We all do it. Okay, I'm stopping now.
Monica Geller: You okay?
Rachel Green: Oh yeah! Y'know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it.
Janice Litman Goralnik: How's my Bing-a-ling?
Chandler Bing: Ah, I don't know, you tell me. Anything you ah, wanna tell me, because, if you ah, you should, if you, you would, tell me.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Why are your eyes so white?
Chandler Bing: You tell me! Maybe, it's because I was just fooling with my ex! Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that was you!!
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh my God!!
Chandler Bing: All right!
Janice Litman Goralnik: How did you know?
Chandler Bing: Joey told me, he saw you two kissing.
Janice Litman Goralnik: In the park?
Chandler Bing: No! In his office! How many kisses were there?
Janice Litman Goralnik: Just those two!
Chandler Bing: Wh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was there kissing!? There should be no kissing!!
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, I'm sorry honey, I'm so, so, haaaaa! I'm so, so sorry, I just haaaaaa! But I, oh what happened was, I-I-I can't breathe. Can you get me a bag, or something?
Chandler Bing: Here.
Janice Litman Goralnik: The receipt.
Chandler Bing: I'll take it! All right look, I gotta know. Are you finished with me? Are you finished with him? Do you still love him? Do you still love me? All right look, I'm gonna need an actual answer here okay, so which is it, him or me?
Janice Litman Goralnik: I don't know.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. If you're alive you answer your phone!
Monica Geller: Okay, Ben, I won't tell your daddy that you had ice cream for dinner, if you don't tell about our little bonking incident.
Rachel Green: Monica, number one, I don't think Ben understands the concept of bribery, and number two, I... What?!
Joey Tribbiani: You said number two.
Rachel Green: I also said number one.
Joey Tribbiani: I know.
Ross Geller: Hey! Everyone.
Rachel Green: Hi!
Ross Geller: How's my little boy?
Rachel Green: He's perfect, he's never been better.
Ross Geller: What'd you do, take him whaling?
Ben Geller: Monica.
Ross Geller: Oh my God, he just said your name, that's great! Good job Ben.
Ben Geller: Monica bang!
Monica Geller: Oh that's right, that's what I'd sound like if I exploded.
Phoebe Buffay: Woo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called everybody I know, and everyone is alive.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! I killed him! I killed another one! And this curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big.
Rachel Green: Well maybe he's just taking a nap.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm tellin' ya, he hasn't moved since this morning.
Monica Geller: All right, we should call somebody.
Ross Geller: And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at all the time isn't moving.
Rachel Green: Well, we have gotta find out if he's alive.
Monica Geller: How are we gonna do that? There's no way.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, there is one way. His window's open, I say, we poke him.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Y'know how we ah, save all those chopsticks for no reason we get when we get Chinese food?
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, now we got a reason.
Chandler Bing: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, we're fashioning a very long poking device.
Chandler Bing: All right.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey uh, what's a matter?
Chandler Bing: I talked to Janice.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God, is she going back to him?
Chandler Bing: She doesn't know. Says she loves us both. Y'know I woke up this morning and I was in love, well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I can't even return them, because she choked on the reciept!
Joey Tribbiani: What are you ah, what are you gonna do?
Chandler Bing: I don't know, y'know. What, what, would you do?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, it doesn't matter what I would do.
Chandler Bing: Come on, tell me.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, you're probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just me, I would ah, I would bow out.
Chandler Bing: What? What are you, what are you talking about?
Joey Tribbiani: They have a kid together, y'know. They're like, they're like a family, and if, I don't know, there's chance they could make that work, I know I wouldn't want to be the guy who stood in the way of that. Are you okay? Do you wanna ah, come poke a nude guy?
Ross Geller: Well, he's finally alseep. About that ah, bump on his head?
Rachel Green: Are you, are you, are you sure it's ah, a new bump? I mean, no offense, I've always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child.
Ross Geller: It's okay if he bumps his head, kids bump their heads all the time, y'know, it was your first time babysitting, I figured you did the best you could.
Rachel Green: I did!
Ross Geller: I know! I'm saying you have to watch them all the time.
Rachel Green: I did!! I watched! I watched! I watched Monica bang his head against that thing!
Ross Geller: Monica did it?
Ross Geller: Monica?
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Umm, did you notice anything wierd about Ben today?
Monica Geller: No. Why?
Ross Geller: Well, I was just playing with him, and y'know we were doing the alphabet song, which he used to be really good at, but suddenly he's leaving out 'e' and 'f.' It's like they just ah, I don't know, fell out of his head.
Monica Geller: Really?!
Ross Geller: Oh, and also, he's, he's walkin' kind of funny, his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg, and he's in there just sort of y'know...
Monica Geller: Oh my God, I wrecked your baby!!
Rachel Green: I hope it's still funny when you're in hell.
Monica Geller: You jerk! You know how much I love that kid!
Ross Geller: Monica bang! Monica bang! Ow!
Rachel Green: I'll get the hat.
Chandler Bing: Janice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you to let me get through it, because it's, it's, it's not gonna be easy.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Okay.
Chandler Bing: I think you should go back with Gary. I don't wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, y'know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was always think y'know 'You're the reason, you are the reason why their not together.' and I hated that guy. And it didn't matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Wow!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, well. It's the right thing to do.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh! You're right. Oh God. But, before I can say 'good-bye', there's something I really need you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about you, it's like, I finally understand what Lionel Richie's been singing about. Y'know, I mean what we have, it's like movie love, you're my soulmate, and I can't believe we're not going to be spending the rest of our lives together.
Chandler Bing: Then don't leave me!
Janice Litman Goralnik: What?
Chandler Bing: Forget what I said, I was babbling! Pick me!
Janice Litman Goralnik: No, you were right, you were right. I mean, I-I-I've got to give my marriage another chance.
Chandler Bing: No you don't! No, no, no, I say you have to give your divorce another chance.
Janice Litman Goralnik: I'm sorry.
Chandler Bing: Ohhh. Don't go.
Janice Litman Goralnik: No, I-I-I gotta go.
Chandler Bing: No. No! No! No!
Janice Litman Goralnik: Honey, honey, people are looking.
Chandler Bing: I don't care! I don't care!!
Janice Litman Goralnik: Yeah, um, I'm, I'm leaving now.
Chandler Bing: You can't leave! I have your shoe!
Janice Litman Goralnik: Good-bye Chandler Bing.
Gunther: Rachel has those in burgendy.
Joey Tribbiani: All right now remember, something this big and long is going to be difficult to manuver, fortunately I have a lot of experience in that area.
Ross Geller: Can we please focus here, a naked man's life hangs in the balance!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm telling you he's dead. What we are about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's poke. Steady. Steady. Okay, a little higher. Careful of the angle. Okay, okay, we're approaching the window Thread the needle. Thread the needle.
Phoebe Buffay: He's alive! He's a-live!!!
Monica Geller: And yet, we're still poking him.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, retract the device, retract the device.
Ross Geller: He does not look happy.
Rachel Green: Hey-hey, now he's showing us his poking device.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, that's never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!
Chandler Bing: I'll hold you close in my arms. I can't resist your charms. And love...
Phoebe Buffay: Love...
Chandler Bing: No you know I don't mind.
Chandler Bing: I know.
Phoebe Buffay: I know.
Chandler Bing: I've found.
Phoebe Buffay: I've found...


The Guys: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Awww!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, it's your Thanksgiving too, y'know, instead of watching football, you could help.
The Guys: We will.
Monica Geller: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmellows in concentric circles.
Rachel Green: No Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this.
Monica Geller: Every year.
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, for once, I am going to sit down and try to watch one of these things. .
Ross Geller: Halftime.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, who wants to ah, throw the ball around a little, maybe get a little three on three going?
Rachel Green: Oh! That would be sooo much fun!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, can I play too? I've never played football, like ever.
Joey Tribbiani: Great, you can cover Chandler.
Chandler Bing: No, no, no, I don't, I don't really wanna play.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on man! You never want to do anything since you and Janice broke up.
Chandler Bing: That's not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don't say that I don't have goals!
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler, you have to start getting over her. All right, if you play, you get some fresh air, maybe it'll take your mind off Janice, and if you don't play, everyone will be mad at you 'cause the teams won't be even. Come on.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, all right, I'll play.
Phoebe Buffay: Yay!!
Rachel Green: Let's do it! Ross?
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: Do you wanna play football?
Ross Geller: Um, Monica and I aren't supposed to play football.
Joey Tribbiani: Says who? Your mom?
Monica Geller: Well, every, every Thanksgiving um, we used to have a touch football game called the 'Geller Bowl.'
Chandler Bing: No, no, no, you say that proudly.
Monica Geller: Anyway, Ross and I were always captains, and um, it got kind've competitive and one year, Geller Bowl VI, I accidentally broke Ross's nose.
Ross Geller: It was soo not an accident. She saw I was about to tag her, so she threw her big fat grandma arm elbow right into my face. And just keep running.
Monica Geller: To score the winning touchdown, by the way.
Ross Geller: Whoa, whoa, whoa, ho, ho, ho, you did not win the game, the touchdown didn't count, because of the spectacularly illegal, oh and by the way savage nose breaking.
Monica Geller: I won the game.
Ross Geller: Oh yeah! Then how come you didn't get the Geller Cup?
Rachel Green: Um, there was a Geller Cup?
Ross Geller: Yes, it was the trophy you got if you won the game. But our Dad said, 'nobody won that game, ' and he was sick of our fighting, so he took the trophy and... threw it in the lake.
Chandler Bing: And was the curse lifted?
Ross Geller: Anyway. That's when our Mom said we were not to play football ever again.
Monica Geller: Y'know what, I think we should play a game. I mean come on, it's been twelve years.
Ross Geller: Can I see you for a second?
Monica Geller: Once!!
Ross Geller: All right, we're gonna play.
Chandler Bing: But wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, though, because my Mom won't let me cross the street.
Monica Geller: Okay. Let's bring it in.
Rachel Green: Wait no, honey, honey throw it to me, throw it to me.
Ross Geller: Here you go.
Rachel Green: That almost hit me in the face.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, we have to pick captains.
Chandler Bing: And then Tineals.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so how do we decide that?
Monica Geller: Well, why don't we just bunny up.
Monica Geller: Okay, looks like Ross and I are captains. Okay, so um, I bunnied first so that means I get to pick first. Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you.
Rachel Green: Monica, I'm your best friend.
Ross Geller: Sweetie, don't worry you'll get picked. Chandler.
Rachel Green: Ross!
Monica Geller: Phoebe.
Ross Geller: Sweetie, now I pick you.
Rachel Green: You don't pick me! You're stuck with me!
Ross Geller: Okay. All right. So let's see, let's play from the trash can, to the lightpost. Right. Two hand touch, we'll kick off.
Monica Geller: All right people listen, I've got exactly twenty-eight minutes before I have to baste again.
Chandler Bing: Wow! Just like in the pros.
Monica Geller: Huddle up.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, huddle up, right over here.
Phoebe Buffay: Wait for me! Wait for me! Wait for me! Oh cool, this is my first huddle.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so what do you guys really think of Chandler?
Monica Geller: Okay, Phoebe you know what you're doing right?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Monica Geller: Okay, Joey's gonna catch it, and you and I are gonna block.
Phoebe Buffay: What's block?
Monica Geller: Phoebe, I thought you said you know what you're doing?
Phoebe Buffay: I thought you meant in life.
Monica Geller: Break.
Chandler Bing: The ball is Janice. The ball is Janice.
Ross Geller: Oww!! Son of a...!! Ow! Come on!
Chandler Bing: Sorry. I'm sorry. Y'know what, we're just gonna throw it.
Joey Tribbiani: I got it.
Phoebe Buffay: Go! Go! Go!
Monica Geller: Score!! 7 to nothing!
Rachel Green: Are you okay?
Ross Geller: Come on, let's go!
Monica Geller: Losers walk!
Ross Geller: Yeah, losers talk!
Chandler Bing: No, no, no, actually losers rhyme.
Chandler Bing: Twenty-three!! Seventy-four!! You wanna go shotgun?
Ross Geller: Yeah!
Chandler Bing: Hike!
Rachel Green: Over here!
Rachel Green: I almost caught that one!
Chandler Bing: Great! Now, the score is 7 to almost 7.
Ross Geller: Okay, this play, I want you to do a down and out to the right. Okay. Break!
Rachel Green: Wait, what am I gonna do?
Ross Geller: You, you go long.
Rachel Green: Wait, how long?
Ross Geller: Until we start to look very small.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Ross Geller: Break!!
Joey Tribbiani: Set...hike!
Ross Geller: One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi, switch! Switch! Switch!!
Chandler Bing: No, no, no, no, no!
Joey Tribbiani: Haaaaa! Hey-hey, thanks for stopping our ball.
Woman: You are playing American football?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Wow, your like from a whole other country.
Woman: I'm Dutch.
Joey Tribbiani: Hi-hi, I'm Joey.
Woman: I'm Margha.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry Dutch, I didn't get that last little bit.
Chandler Bing: Hey Joey, do you wanna play football or you wanna.. Hi, I'm Chandler.
Margha: Hello, Chandler.
Joey Tribbiani: Her name is Dutch, and also Marklan.
Margha: Margha.
Joey Tribbiani: Mar-klan.
Margha: Mar-gha.
Chandler Bing: Mar-haaaan.
Monica Geller: Come on guys! Let's go! Come on, it's second down.
Ross Geller: Uh, hello, it's third down.
Monica Geller: No it's not, it's second.
Ross Geller: Wow!
Monica Geller: Wow, what?
Ross Geller: It just amazes me that your still pulling stuff like this.
Monica Geller: Pulling what? It's second down.
Ross Geller: Okay, it's second down. Take all the second downs you need.
Monica Geller: I heard that!
Ross Geller: Well, I said it loud.
Margha: It is okay, if I stay and watch?
Chandler Bing: Well, that went well.
Joey Tribbiani: I think so.
Chandler Bing: Y'know, I was thinking about ah, asking her for her number.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks man, but I think it makes a stronger statement if I ask for it myself, y'know.
Chandler Bing: Whoa-ho, whoa! No, I was thinking about y'know for me, as a part of that whole getting over Janice thing you were talking about.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah, that. All right, means that much to ya, I'll let you have her.
Chandler Bing: Thanks. What, let me have her?! What do mean? Like if you didn't I wouldn't have a shot?
Joey Tribbiani: Well I don't like to say it out loud, but, yeah! Don't feel bad man, we all have our strengths. You're better with numbers and stuff.
Chandler Bing: Math!! You're giving me math! All right, look y'know what, forget about it, you go for the girl, we'll see who gets her.
Ross Geller: Chandler, I want you to run a post pattern to the left, okay. And sweetie..
Rachel Green: Yeah, I know, go long. Y'know, it's like all I'm doing is running back and forth from the huddle.
Ross Geller: Well ah, you wanna just stay out there?
Rachel Green: Can I see that for second.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Okay. Hut! Hike!
Joey Tribbiani: Fumble!
Joey Tribbiani: What the hell's the matter with you?! This is my favourite jersey.
Chandler Bing: Well now you have two. Hey, I am good at math.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, that's it. Y'know I was still gonna let you have her. But now, forget about it. Prepare to feel very bad about yourself.
Chandler Bing: Hey! Well, I've been preparing for that my entire life! Or something about you that's mean!
Monica Geller: All right, come on guys, let's go! Tie score, and we're runnin' out of time. Forty-two!! Thirty-eight!! Hike!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh I got it!! Oh! Ew! Broken boob! Ow!
Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs, run!
Monica Geller: Run, Phoebe, run!
Phoebe Buffay: Touchdown!! Touchdown!!
Ross Geller: Uh, hello, the buzzer buzzed. It doesn't count.
Monica Geller: After the snap!
Ross Geller: Before the snap!
Joey Tribbiani: After!!
Chandler Bing: Before!!
Rachel Green: Now, does it really matter?
Everyone: Yes!!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, okay, I made a touchdown. It was my first touchdown. So?
Ross Geller: Oh Pheebs, that's great. It doesn't count.
Monica Geller: Does so count!
Ross Geller: Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God!
Monica Geller: Y'know what, that's fine, maybe you haven't grown up, but I have.
Ross Geller: Oh-ho, okay.
Monica Geller: Dead leg!!
Ross Geller: Ow! Ow! Okay, okay, fine, fine! All right, you wanna win by cheating, go ahead, all right. Phoebe the touchdown does count, you win.
Phoebe Buffay: Woo-yay!!
Monica Geller: No! Listen, I'm not gonna go through this with you again, okay. Just once I wanna beat when you can't blame it on the broken nose, the buzzer, or the fact that you thought you were getting mono. Let's just call this, tie score and it's halftime.
Ross Geller: Okay, first of all, I don't play with cheaters, and second of all, you know I had swollen glands!!
Monica Geller: Y'know what? I'll think you'll play.
Ross Geller: Oh really! Why is that?
Monica Geller: Because the winner gets this!
Ross Geller: The Geller Cup.
Chandler Bing: Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four?
Everyone: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Okay, good.
Ross Geller: Okay, where in the hell did you get that?!
Monica Geller: When Mom and Dad drove you to the hospital to get your nose fixed, I swam into the lake and fished it out.
Ross Geller: That cup is mine!
Monica Geller: No it's not! You want it, you're gonna have to win it!
Rachel Green: All right, so are we not having dinner at all?
Monica Geller: Come on Phoebe, let's go! Come on, it's time to get serious, huddle up. Joey, keep your head in the game.
Joey Tribbiani: It's hard, y'know, his huddle is closer to Dutch girl.
Monica Geller: All right look, if I take Chandler out of the running will you be able to focus?
Joey Tribbiani: What are you gonna do?
Monica Geller: All right, you just make sure that Chandler catches the ball, I'll take care of the rest.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Monica Geller: Break!
Joey Tribbiani: Here you go!
Ross Geller: Chandler! Chandler!
Chandler Bing: Hi.
Monica Geller: Whoa! Whoa!! Tackled by a girl! Bet ya don't see that everyday, do ya?
Ross Geller: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's with the tackling?
Monica Geller: What?! I just touched him and he went over.
Ross Geller: Okay, you wanna play rough, we can play rough.
Phoebe Buffay: I love this game!!
Ross Geller: Hey, where'd you get that?
Rachel Green: I went really long.
Monica Geller: Forty-two to twenty-one! Like the turkey, Ross is done!
Ross Geller: It's no surprise that your winning, 'cause you got to pick first, so you got the better team.
Monica Geller: You're so pathetic! Why can't you just accept it, we're winning because I'm better than you.
Monica Geller: Oh, what a great argument, exhaling! All right, y'know what, I'll prove it to you, okay. I'll trade you Joey for Rachel, and I'll still win the game.
Ross Geller: What?! The guys against the girls? See, that's ridiculous Monica, because I'm only down by three touchdowns.
Monica Geller: Oh, then bring it on! Oh, unless of course your afraid you might lose to a bunch of girls.
Ross Geller: Fine, fine, Rachel your with Monica, Joey you're with me.
Rachel Green: I can not believe your trading me!!
Monica Geller: Come on Rach, come on. Let's see what's it like to be on a winning team for a change.
Rachel Green: Are you gonna let me play?
Monica Geller: All right then.
Margha: The game is over, we eat now?
Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no, the game's not over, we're just switching teams.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, Chandler finds me so intimdating that it's better if we're on the same team.
Ross Geller: Right. Okay, let's play. Let's go.
Chandler Bing: No ah, hold on a second Joe, where do Dutch people come from?
Joey Tribbiani: Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come from Pennsylvania.
Chandler Bing: And the other ah, Dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?
Joey Tribbiani: Nice try. See the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from.
Margha: Oh, my.
Ross Geller: Enough with geography for the insane, okay? Let's play some ball, guys.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, whoa, no, no, I-I'm not playing with this guy, now.
Chandler Bing: Fine with me.
Ross Geller: Okay, y'know what, let's just cut to the chase here. Okay? Heidi, which of my boys do you like?
Margha: Which do I like?
Ross Geller: Yeah, y'know for dating, general merriment, taking back to your windmill...
Margha: Well, if I had to chose right now, which by the way I find really weird, I would have to say, Chandler.
Chandler Bing: Yes!!
Joey Tribbiani: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! She obviously didn't understand the question.
Chandler Bing: Well, you don't you have Captain Hook explain it to her.
Margha: I'm sorry, Joey, that is my chose.
Chandler Bing: You hear that! That is her chose, mister I'll let you have her! I win! You suck! I rule all! A mini-wave in celebration of me!!
Margha: I'm now thinking I would like to change my answer to, no one.
Chandler Bing: Wh-what?
Margha: I now find you shallow and um, a dork. All right, bye.
Joey Tribbiani: Nice going. You just saved yourself a couple months of sex.
Chandler Bing: Y'know what, it doesn't matter, 'cause she picked me. Me! From now on I get the dates and you have to stay home on Saturday nights watching Ready, Set, Cook!
Ross Geller: Save the breakthroughs for therapy, okay. The clock is ticking. We have no time, and we are losing, we are losing to girls.
Chandler Bing: We're not gonna lose to girls.
Ross Geller: Hey! It's 42-21!
Joey Tribbiani: This sucks, I was just up by that much!
Monica Geller: Are we playing football or what? Come on you hairy-backed Marries.
Monica Geller: We have to do this. We are playing for women everywhere. Okay, just think about every lousy date that you ever had, okay, every guy who kept on the TV while you're making out...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! You dated someone with a glass eye too?!
Monica Geller: Come on, okay, come on this is for all womankind. Let's kill 'um!
Rachel Green: Yeah!!! Kill 'um!!!
Phoebe Buffay: All right, no, well I want to kill them to, but their boys, y'know how are we gonna beat three boys?
Monica Geller: All right, we still have a minute and a half to go, and we're down by two points. Two points... Phoebe you do a button-hook again. Rachel, you go long.
Rachel Green: No! Come on! Don't make me go long. Use me. They never cover me.
Monica Geller: Honey, there's a reason.
Rachel Green: God, I'm not lame, okay. I can do something. I can throw, would you let me throw, come on this is my game too.
Phoebe Buffay: Come on Mon, let her throw the ball.
Monica Geller: All right Rachel, you sweep behind, I'll pitch it to you, you throw it down field to Phoebe. All right. Break.
Rachel Green: Thank you! Break!
Monica Geller: Thirty-two! Seventy-one! Hike!
The Guys: One-Mississippi! Two-Mississippi! Three-Mississippi!
Rachel Green: I'm so sorry! Are you okay?
Monica Geller: No! I'm not okay!
Rachel Green: I'm sorry, they were just all coming at me, and I didn't know what to do.
Joey Tribbiani: Thirty seconds left on the timer!
Chandler Bing: Okay, okay, so we get to take that stupid troll thing home!
Monica Geller: Come on! Come on! Hurry! We're running out of time! Huddle up!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Oooh! Oh, this is our last huddle, yeah.
Monica Geller: All right, Phoebe get open. Rachel, go long.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Monica Geller: Break!
Rachel Green: I got a touchdown! We did it!!
Chandler Bing: Hey-hey-hey Rachel, funny thing. Actually, the ah, end zone starts at that pole, so you're five feet short, so we win!
Phoebe Buffay: Wait-wait-wait-wait! So, explain something to me though, if, if nobody tagged Rachel, then isn't the play still going.
Ross Geller: Let go! Let go!
Monica Geller: Let go! I'm a tiny little woman!!
Chandler Bing: Guys! Guys! Come on! It's Thanksgiving, it's not important who wins or loses. The important thing is, the Dutch girl picked me! Me! Not you! Holland loves Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!!
Monica Geller: Ow!!
Rachel Green: We should defiantly play football more often. Maybe there's a like league we could join or something.
Phoebe Buffay: Isn't there a national football league.
Chandler Bing: Yes. Yes, there is, they play on Sundays and Monday nights.
Rachel Green: Oh shoot! I work Monday nights.
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, this stuffing is amazing. Do you think we should bring them some?
Joey Tribbiani: When they're hungry enough, they'll come in.
Monica Geller: Let go!
Ross Geller: No! You let go!
Monica Geller: No!
Ross Geller: How come it's always us left in the field holding the ball?
Monica Geller: I don't know. I guess the other people just don't care enough.
Ross Geller: Hey! It's starting to snow.
Ross Geller: Gimme the this!
Monica Geller: Let go!


Chandler Bing: Eh..., I don't, I don't know.
Rachel Green: What?
Chandler Bing: Well, as old as he is in dog years, do you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly this thing?
Gunther: Rachel?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Gunther: Do you remember when you first came here, how you spent two weeks getting trained by another waitress?
Rachel Green: Oh, sure! Do you need me to train somebody new?
Gunther: Good one. Actually, ah, Terry wants you to take the training again, whenever.
Rachel Green: Eh, do you believe that?
Chandler Bing: Yeah?
Sarah Tuttle: So that's two boxes of the Holiday Macaroons. On behalf of the Brown Birds of America, I salute you.
Ross Geller: Just admit it Chandler, you have no backhand.
Chandler Bing: Excuse me little one, I have a very solid backhand.
Ross Geller: Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl... is not a backhand.
Chandler Bing: I was shrieking... like a Marine.
Ross Geller: All right here. Watch me execute the three 'P's of championship play. Power. Precision. and penache.
Monica Geller: You broke a little girl's leg?!!
Ross Geller: I know. I feel horrible. Okay.
Chandler Bing: Says here that a muppet got whacked on Seasame Street last night. Where exactly were around ten-ish?
Ross Geller: Well, I'm gonna go see her. I want to bring her something, what do you think she'll like?
Monica Geller: Maybe a Hello Kitty doll, the ability to walk...
Rachel Green: I'm gonna get back to retraining.
Ross Geller: All right, see you guys.
Chandler Bing: Look out kids, he's coming!
Joey Tribbiani: And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees.
Phoebe Buffay: Have fun. Oh wait, no, don't! I forgot I am totally against that now.
Joey Tribbiani: What? Me having a job?
Phoebe Buffay: No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights. Hey, how do you sleep at night?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I'm pretty tired from lugging the trees around all day. Hey, Phoebe listen, you got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas trees, their fulfilling their life purpose, by, by making people happy.
Phoebe Buffay: Really?
Chandler Bing: Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, it's the only chance to see New York.
Gunther: ...and after you've delivered the drinks, you take the empty tray...
Rachel Green: Gunther, Gunther, please, I've worked here for two and a half years, I know the empty trays go over there.
Gunther: What if you put them here.
Rachel Green: Huh. Well, y'know that's actually a really good idea, because that way they'll be closer to the mugs. Y'know what, you should have the other waitresses do that too.
Gunther: They already do. That's why they call it the 'tray spot.'
Rachel Green: Gee, I always heard them talk about that, I just always thought that it was a club they went to. Oh God, I'm, I'm sorry.
Gunther: It's all right. Sweetheart.
Ross Geller: So, this must be kinda neat for ya, huh? I mean, your Dad tells me that you get a couple of days off school, and you, you ah, don't have to sell those cookies anymore.
Sarah Tuttle: Well, I kinda wanted to sell the cookies. The girl who sells the most wins a trip to Spacecamp, and gets to sit in a real space shuttle.
Ross Geller: Wow, you ah, you really like all this space stuff, huh?
Sarah Tuttle: Yeah. My Dad says if I spend as much time helping him clean apartments, as I do daydreaming about outer space, he'd be able to afford a trip to the Taj Mahal.
Ross Geller: I think you would have to clean a whole lot of apartments to go all the way to India.
Sarah Tuttle: No. The one in Atlantic City, Dad loves the slots. He says he's gonna double the college money my Grandma left me.
Ross Geller: Huh. Well, good luck to Dad. Say, how many more boxes would you have to sell in order to win?
Sarah Tuttle: The girl who won last year sold four hundred and seventy-five.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Sarah Tuttle: So far, I've sold seventy-five.
Ross Geller: Four hundred, huh? Well, that sounds do-able. How much are the boxes?
Sarah Tuttle: Five dollars a box.
Ross Geller: And what is second prize?
Sarah Tuttle: A ten speed bike. But, I'd rather have something my Dad couldn't sell.
Ross Geller: Well, that makes sense.
Sarah Tuttle: Could you do me one favor, if it's not too much trouble?
Ross Geller: Yeah, Sarah, anything.
Sarah Tuttle: Could you pull open the curtains for me? The astronauts from the space shuttle are gonna be on the news, and since we don't have a TV, the lady across the alley said she'd push hers up to a window, so I could watch it.
Woman: Yesss?
Ross Geller: Hi, I'm selling Brown Bird cookies.
Woman: You're no Brown Bird, I can see you through my peephole.
Ross Geller: No, hi, I'm, I'm an honorary Brown Bird
Woman: What does that mean?
Ross Geller: Ah, well, it means that I can sell cookies, but I'm not invited to sleep-overs.
Woman: I can dial 9-1-1 at the touch of a button, y'know. Now, go away!
Ross Geller: No, please, please, um, it's for a poor little girl who wants to go to Spacecamp more than anything in the world.
Woman: I'm pressing, a policeman is on his way.
Ross Geller: Okay, okay! I'm going. I'm going.
Woman: I can still see you!
Ross Geller: All right!!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey. What, what are you doing here?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I-I thought a lot about what you said, and um, I realilized duh, all right maybe I was a little judgmental. Yeah, oh, but oh...
Joey Tribbiani: Look now, Phoebe remember, hey, their just fulfilling their Christmas...
Phoebe Buffay: Destiny.
Joey Tribbiani: Sure.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes.
Joey Tribbiani: All right.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Yikes! That one doesn't look very fulfilled.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, that's, that's ah, one of the old ones, he's just taking it to the back.
Phoebe Buffay: You keep the old ones in the back, that is so ageist.
Joey Tribbiani: Well we have to make room for the fresh ones.
Phoebe Buffay: So, what happens to the old guys?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, they go into the chipper.
Phoebe Buffay: Why, do I have a feeling that's not as happy as it sounds? No! Nooooo!!!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Hey!!
Ross Geller: ...and these come in the shapes of your favourite Christmas characters, Santa, Rudolph, and Baby Jesus.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, I'll take a box of the cream filled Jesus's.
Ross Geller: Wait a minute, one box! Come on, I'm trying to send a little girl to Spacecamp, I'm putting you down for five boxes. Chandler, what about you?
Chandler Bing: Ahh, do you have any coconut flavoured deities?
Ross Geller: No, but ah, there's coconut in the Hanukkah Menoreoes. I tell you what, I'll put you down for eight boxes, one for each night.
Ross Geller: Mon?
Monica Geller: All right, I'll take one box of the mint treasures, just one, and that's it. I-I started gaining weight after I joined the Brown Birds. Remember, how Dad bought all my boxes and I ate them all?
Ross Geller: Ah, no Mon, Dad had to buy everyone of your boxes because you ate them all. But ah, y'know I'm sure that's not gonna happen this time, why don't I put you down for three of the mint treasures and just a couple of the Rudolph's.
Monica Geller: No.
Ross Geller: Oh, come on, now you know you want 'em.
Monica Geller: Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't do this.
Ross Geller: I'll tell you what Mon, I'll give you the first box for free.
Monica Geller: Oh God! I gotta go!
Ross Geller: Come on! All the cool kids are eating 'em!
Gunther: And when you have a second later, I wanna show you why we don't just trap spiders under coffee mugs and leave them there.
Rachel Green: I'm training to be better at a job that I hate, my life officially sucks.
Joey Tribbiani: Look Rach, wasn't this supposed to a temporary thing? I thought you wanted to do fashion stuff?
Rachel Green: Well, yeah! I'm still pursuing that.
Chandler Bing: How... exactly are you pursuing that? Y'know other than sending out resumes like what, two years ago?
Rachel Green: Well, I'm also sending out... good thoughts.
Joey Tribbiani: If you ask me, as long as you got this job, you've got nothing pushing you to get another one. You need the fear.
Rachel Green: The fear?
Chandler Bing: He's right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want.
Rachel Green: Well then how come you're still at a job that you hate, I mean why don't you quit and get 'the fear'?
Chandler Bing: Because, I'm too afraid.
Rachel Green: I don't know, I mean I would give anything to work for a designer, y'know, or a buyer... Oh, I just don't want to be 30 and still work here.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, that'd be much worse than being 28, and still working here.
Gunther: Rachel?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Gunther: Remind me to review with you which pot is decaf and which is regular.
Rachel Green: Can't I just look at the handles on them?
Gunther: You would think.
Rachel Green: Okay, fine. Gunther, y'know what, I am a terrible waitress, do you know why I'm a terrible waitress? Because, I don't care. I don't care. I don't care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf, I don't care where the tray spot is, I just don't care, this is not what I want to do. So I don't think I should do it anymore. I'm gonna give you my weeks notice.
Gunther: What?!
Rachel Green: Gunther, I quit.
Chandler Bing: Does this mean we're gonna have to start paying for coffee?
Ross Geller: ...and 12, 22, 18, four... What?
Chandler Bing: I spelled out boobies.
Monica Geller: Ross, but me down for another box of the mint treasures, okay. Where, where are the mint treasures?
Ross Geller: Ah, we're out. I sold them all.
Monica Geller: What?
Ross Geller: Monica, I'm cutting you off.
Monica Geller: No. No, just, just, just a couple more boxes. It-it-it's no big deal, all right, I'm-I'm cool. You gotta help me out with a couple more boxes!
Ross Geller: Mon, look at yourself. You have cookie on your neck.
Monica Geller: Oh God!
Chandler Bing: So, how many have you sold so far?
Ross Geller: Check this out. Five hundred and seventeen boxes!
Chandler Bing: Oh my God, how did you do that?
Ross Geller: Okay, the other night I was leaving the museum just as 'Laser Floyd' was letting out of the planetarium, without even trying I sold 50 boxes! That's when it occurred to me, the key to my success, 'The Munchies.' So I ah, started hitting the new dorms around midnight. I am selling cookies by the case. They call me 'Cookie Dude!'
Rachel Green: Okay, stop what you're doing, I need envelope stuffers, I need stamp lickers...
Ross Geller: Well hey, who did these resumes for ya?
Chandler Bing: Me! On my computer.
Ross Geller: Well you sure used a large font.
Chandler Bing: Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee shop and cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room.
Rachel Green: Hey-hey-hey that's funny! Your funny Chandler! Your a funny guy! You wanna know what else is really funny?!
Chandler Bing: Something else I might have said?
Rachel Green: I don't know, I don't know, weren't you the guy that told me to quit my job when I had absolutely nothing else to do. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!!
Ross Geller: Sweetie, calm down, it's gonna be okay.
Rachel Green: No, it's not gonna be okay Ross, tomorrow is my last day, and I don't have a lead. Okay, y'know what, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna call Gunther and I'm gonna tell him, I'm not quitting.
Chandler Bing: You-you-you don't wanna give into the fear.
Rachel Green: You and your stupid fear. I hate your fear. I would like to take you and your fear...
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! I got great news!
Chandler Bing: Run, Joey! Run for your life!
Joey Tribbiani: What? Rachel, listen, have you ever heard of Fortunata Fashions?
Rachel Green: No.
Joey Tribbiani: Well my old man is doing a plumbing job down there and he heard they have an opening. So, you want me to see if I can get you an interview?
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Yes, I would love that, oh, that is soo sweet, Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Not a problem.
Rachel Green: Thanks.
Joey Tribbiani: And now for the great news.
Ross Geller: What, that wasn't the great news?
Joey Tribbiani: Only if you think it's better than this... snow-in-a-can!! I got it at work. Mon, you want me to decorate the window, give it a kind of Christmas lookie.
Monica Geller: Christmas cookie?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, and ah, this one here is a Douglas Fir, now it's a little more money, but you get a nicer smell.
Guy: Looks good. I'll take it.
Phoebe Buffay: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, you don't want that one. No, you can have this cool brown one.
Guy: It's-it's-it's almost dead!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay but that's why you have to buy it, so it can fulfil it's Christmas destiny, otherwise there gonna throw it into the chipper. Tell him, Joey
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, the ah, trees that don't fulfil their Christmas destiny are thrown in the chipper.
Guy: I-I think I'm gonna look around a little bit more.
Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs, you gotta stop this, I working on commission here.
Monica Geller: Hey, guys. I'm here to pick out my Christmas tree.
Phoebe Buffay: Well look no further, this one's yours! Ahhh.
Monica Geller: Is this the one that I threw out last year?
Phoebe Buffay: All right y'know what, nevermind! Everyone wants to have a green one! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get so emotional, I guess it's just the holidays, it's hard.
Monica Geller: Oh honey, is that 'cause your Mom died around Christmas?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that.
Monica Geller: Oh.
Ross Geller: Hi there. How many, how many ah, did you sell?
Girl: I'm not gonna tell you! You're the bad man who broke Sarah's leg.
Ross Geller: Hey now! That was an accident, okay.
Girl: You're a big scrud.
Ross Geller: What's a scrud?
Girl: Why don't you look in the mirror, scrud.
Ross Geller: I don't have too. I can just look at you.
Leader: All right girls, and man. Let's see your final tallies. Ohhhh, Debbie, 321 boxes of cookies, Very nice.
Ross Geller: Not nice enough.
Leader: Charla, 278. Sorry, dear, but still good.
Ross Geller: Good for a scrud.
Leader: Oh, yes Elizabeth. Ah, 871.
Ross Geller: That's crap!! Sister Brown Bird. Good going.
Leader: Who's next?
Ross Geller: Hi there!
Leader: Hi. And batting for Sarah, Ross Geller, 872. Although, it looks like you bought an awful lot of cookies yourself.
Ross Geller: Um, that is because my doctor says that I have a very serious... nuget... diffency.
Chandler Bing: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross.
Ross Geller: Well, I lost. Some little girl loaned her uniform to her nineteen year old sister, who went down to the U.S.S. Nimitz, and sold over 2,000 boxes.
Chandler Bing: Hey! How'd the interview go?
Rachel Green: Oh, I blew it. I wouldn't of even hired me.
Ross Geller: Oh, come here sweetie, listen, you're gonna go on like a thousand interviews before you get a job. That's not how that was supposed to come out.
Phoebe Buffay: This is the worst Christmas ever.
Chandler Bing: Y'know what Rach, maybe you should just, y'know stay here at the coffee house.
Rachel Green: I can't! It's too late! Terry already hired that girl over there. Look at her, she's even got waitress experience. Last night she was teaching everybody how to make napkin... swans.
Ross Geller: That word was swans.
Chandler Bing: Well seeing that drunk Santa wet himself, really perked up my Christmas.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Oh my God!
Phoebe Buffay: You saved them! You guys! Oh God, you're the best!
Chandler Bing: It's like 'Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees.'
Rachel Green: Hello? Yeah, this is she. Oh! You're kidding! You're kidding! Oh thank you! I love you!
Chandler Bing: Sure, everybody loves a kidder.
Rachel Green: I got the job!
Everyone: That's great! Hey! Excellent!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, God bless us, everyone.
Rachel Green: Here we go. I'm serving my last cup of coffee. There you go. Enjoy.
Chandler Bing: Should I tell her I ordered tea?
Ross Geller: No.
Rachel Green: Um, excuse me, everyone. Ah, this is my last night working here, and I ah, just wanted say that I made some really good friends working here, and ah, it's just time to move on. Ah, and no offence to everybody who ah, still works here, you have no idea how good it feels to say that as of this moment I will never have to make coffee again.
Rachel's Boss: Now Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his coffee strong, so your gonna use two bags instead of one, see. Now pay attention, 'cause this part's tricky, see some people use filters just once.
Ross Geller: I'm, I'm sorry you didn't get to go to Spacecamp, and I'm hoping that maybe somehow, this may make up for it. Presenting Sarah Tuttle's Private Very Special Spacecamp!!
Sarah Tuttle: Really Mr. Geller, you don't have to do this.
Ross Geller: Oh come on! Here we go! Stand by for mission countdown!
Joey Tribbiani: Ten, ten.., nine, nine, nine..., eight, eight, eight... Okay, Blast off!
Chandler Bing: I'm an alien. I'm an alien.
Ross Geller: Oh no! An asteroid!