Rachel Green: Oh my God!
Phoebe Buffay: I know! Monica's gonna have a baby! Hey, can this count as her something new?
Rachel Green: Oh my God!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off?
Rachel Green: No, she had to have just taken that test because I took out the trash last night.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh God, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant. The groom is missing. And I'm still holding this.
Rachel Green: Okay Phoebe, we can not tell anyone about this.
Phoebe Buffay: Right.
Rachel Green: Okay?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, okay. Hey, wait. Do you know what kind of birth control she was using?
Rachel Green: No. Why?
Phoebe Buffay: Just for the future, this is hardly a commercial for it.
Rachel Green: Anything?
Ross Geller: No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasn't heard from him. I-I-I talked to Chandler's parents again!
Phoebe Buffay: You told them he was missing?
Ross Geller: No! I made it seem like I was just calling to chat. Pretty sure, they both think I'm interested in them.
Rachel Green: All right, we've got to tell her he's gone.
Ross Geller: No! Hey! Hey! We can't!
Rachel Green: Ross, she's gonna start getting ready soon!
Ross Geller: Well, can't you at least stall her a little? I'll-I'll go back to some of the places I went last night.
Rachel Green: All right, well how much time do you need?
Ross Geller: Well how much time before she absolutely has to start getting ready?
Rachel Green: One hour.
Ross Geller: Give me two.
Rachel Green: Then why do you ask?!
Ross Geller: Okay, wish me luck.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. I'm going with you.
Ross Geller: Why?!
Phoebe Buffay: Ross, you're tired. You've been looking all night. And clearly you suck at this.
Rachel Green: All right, I'll see you guys later.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Wait, do you know how you're going to stall her?
Rachel Green: I'll figure something out.
Phoebe Buffay: All right. Good luck.
Rachel Green: Thanks.
Monica Geller: Hey! Okay, so I thought we'd start with my make up and then do my hair.
Rachel Green: Okay uh, but before you do that. I-I, I need you to talk to me.
Monica Geller: About what?
Rachel Green: Umm... I'm never gonna getting married!
Monica Geller: Yeah you will! The right guy is just around the corner! Okay, are we done with that?
Rachel Green: No Monica! I'm serious! Oh, maybe I should just forget about it. Become a lesbian or something.
Monica Geller: Any woman would be lucky to have ya.
Rachel Green: Well maybe it would make me feel better if I slept with Joey.
Monica Geller: Rachel! You okay?
Joey Tribbiani: Excuse me, Aaron? Hi! Umm, I have a little problem with the schedules. Originally, I wasn't supposed to work today, and I have this wedding that I really have to be at. It's my best friend's, and I'm officiating so I really can't work past four.
The Director: Joey, you gotta stay until the end. We can't stop filming just for you. It's not like it's your wedding.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm having surgery!
The Director: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I-I just made up the stuff about the wedding because I didn't want you to worry about me. But, I'm having surgery today.
The Director: What kind of surgery?!
Joey Tribbiani: Transplant.
The Director: But you're supposed to work on Monday.
Joey Tribbiani: Hair transplant.
The Director: But you're not bald.
Joey Tribbiani: It's not on my head.
The Director: Look Joey, there's nothing I can do. Besides, you're probably gonna be out by four anyway. We've just got one short scene. It's just you and Richard, and God knows he's a pro. You'll be fine. Morning Richard.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! You're here! Great! Great! Great! Let's get going buddy, we've got a scene to shoot!
Richard Burke: I'm wearing two belts.
Joey Tribbiani: Are you drunk?
Richard Burke: No!
Joey Tribbiani: Yes you are!
Richard Burke: All right.
Ross Geller: We are never gonna find him! He's one guy in a huge city!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Is that him?
Ross Geller: That is an old, Chinese woman!
Phoebe Buffay: He could be in disguise, y'know.
Ross Geller: Aw, y'know...Y'know, maybe we're-we're just approaching this all wrong. If you're Chandler and-and you wanna hide, where is the last place on Earth people would think you'd go?
Ross Geller: So this is your office?
Chandler Bing: How did you guys find me? I knew I should've hid at the gym!
Phoebe Buffay: What the hell are you doing?!
Chandler Bing: Panicking! And using the Internet to try to prove that I'm related to Monica. How is she?
Ross Geller: She's fine. She doesn't know you're gone. And she doesn't have to know, okay? Now come on, we're going home.
Chandler Bing: No! No! No! I can't do that!
Phoebe Buffay: Why not?!
Chandler Bing: Because if I go home, we're gonna become the Bings! I can't be the Bings!
Ross Geller: What's wrong with being the Bings?
Chandler Bing: The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!
Ross Geller: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?
Chandler Bing: No.
Ross Geller: Then you are neither of your parents!
Chandler Bing: It's not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybody's! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And I've met me; I am not Paul Newman. I don't race cars! I don't make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity.
Phoebe Buffay: But look Chandler, right now, no one has a lower opinion of you than I do. But I totally believe you can do this.
Chandler Bing: I want to. I love her so much, but I'm afr...It's too huge.
Ross Geller: Y'know, okay. You're right. It is huge. So why don't we take it just a little bit at a time? Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower?
Chandler Bing: Well yeah, but then...
Ross Geller: Yeah-No-but-but-but-but! We're just gonna go home and take a shower. Now, that's not scary right?
Chandler Bing: Depends on what you mean by we.
Rachel Green: The nights are the hardest. But then the day comes! And that's every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again...
Monica Geller: The days and nights are hard! I get it! Okay? Look umm, Rachel I'm sorry! I have to start getting ready! I'm getting married today!
Rachel Green: I know. At dusk. That's such a hard time for me.
Monica Geller: I'm gonna go put my make up on, we have to be at the hotel in an hour!
Rachel Green: Okay. But wait!
Monica Geller: What?!
Rachel Green: Let's go to lunch.
Monica Geller: I can't go to lunch!!
Rachel Green: Right.
Rachel Green: Oh good God! I've fallen down!
Monica Geller: What's going on?
Rachel Green: Okay. All right. Honey listen. When I tell you what I'm about to tell you, I need you to remember that we are all here for you and that we love you.
Monica Geller: Okay, you're-you're really freaking me out.
Rachel Green: We can't find Chandler...-'s vest. We can't find Chandler's vest.
Monica Geller: How can that be?! Oh wait! Wait! Are you, are you serious?!
Phoebe Buffay: Found the vest! I mean we're gonna have to keep an eye on it, y'know make sure we don't lose it again...
Rachel Green: Oh!
Monica Geller: Oh wow! Okay. Don't scare me like that okay? I mean for a minute there I was like, "Oh my God! The worst has happened!"
Joey Tribbiani: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!
Richard Burke: That can be arranged.
The Director: Let's reset.
Joey Tribbiani: What?! He got me! Owwwwww!!!
The Director: Let's take it from there.
Richard Burke: Are you a little off today? It's going terribly slowly.
Joey Tribbiani: Look, my best friends are getting married in like an hour. Okay? And I'm the minister. Please! Please! Can you pull it together?
Richard Burke: Of course! I'm-I'm sorry. I-I'd hate you to miss anything like that on account of me. I can do this!
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you. Thank you.
The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!
Joey Tribbiani: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!
Richard Burke: Now, that can be arranged! Slippery little bugger!
Phoebe Buffay: So-so you two were married huh? What happened? You just drift apart?
Judy Geller: Here comes the bride.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God Monica!
Monica Geller: I wanna wear this everyday.
Rachel Green: You look so beautiful.
Monica Geller: I'm so happy for me.
Rachel Green: Hello?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Did Chandler show up yet?
Rachel Green: Yeah, we got him back. Everything's fine.
Joey Tribbiani: Damnit!
Rachel Green: What? Why? Where are you?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm still on the set!
Rachel Green: Joey! The wedding is in less than an hour!
Joey Tribbiani: I know! I'm sorry! The guy's drunk, they won't let me go until we get this.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! I'm gonna have to find another minister.
Joey Tribbiani: No! No, I'm the minister! All right, look-look, put 'em both on the phone, I'll marry them right now.
Rachel Green: Ugh! Joey, I have to go.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Don't you hang up on me! I'll marry you and me right now! I have the power!
Ross Geller: There you go. You put on a tuxedo! Now that wasn't so scary, was it?
Chandler Bing: No.
Ross Geller: I'm telling you, just a little bit at a time.
Chandler Bing: Yeah okay. Well, what's the next little bit?
Ross Geller: Getting married. Okay. Okay. You can, you can do that too! Just like you've done everything else!
Chandler Bing: Yeah. You're right. Hey I-I can do that.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Okay, excuse me for a minute.
Ross Geller: Wh-Hey-Whoa-whoa, where, where you going?!
Chandler Bing: Ross, I am not gonna run away again! I just want to get a little fresh air.
Ross Geller: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Oh fresh air!
Phoebe Buffay: Wait! Maybe, maybe you're overreacting! You do that y'know.
Rachel Green: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! Well, y'know. I mean there's no way Joey's gonna make it in time. So I'm gonna through the hotel and see if there's any other weddings going on.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Oh but don't tell them Monica's pregnant because, they frown on that.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Rachel Green: Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding, excellent! {It's a good thing Jennifer Aniston is Greek, because she had to pronounce those names. Luckily for me, they were written on a sign.} Congratulations. Mazel Tov! Hi! Oh, great hat. Listen umm, I need you to perform another wedding. Can you do that?
The Rabbi: I don't know. Are they Greek Orthodox?
Rachel Green: Yeah! Yeah. They're...they're-they're my friends, uh, Monica Stephanopolus and uh, and Chandler Acidofolus.
Ross Geller: Hi! Hi! Hi. Has umm, anyone seen Chandler?
Jack Geller: I thought he was with you.
Ross Geller: He-he was with me umm, we're playing a little game, y'know? Hide and seek.
Jack Geller: You can't ask us son, that's cheating.
Ross Geller: You're right, thanks for keeping me honest dad.
Judy Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He can't see the bride in the wedding dress.
Nora Tyler Bing: As I recall when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress.
Charles Bing: But that was after the wedding, it's not bad luck then.
Nora Tyler Bing: Honey, it isn't good luck.
Ross Geller: Oh my God! Monica!
Monica Geller: I know! Hey, how's Chandler doin'?
Ross Geller: Great. He's doing great. Don't you worry about Chandler.
Monica Geller: Are you okay?
Ross Geller: Uh-huh.
Monica Geller: Well, you're-you're sweating.
Ross Geller: These-these are beads of joy.
Monica Geller: Oh that's sweet. Don't touch me.
Ross Geller: Uh Phoebe, can I see you for a second?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah!
Phoebe Buffay: What's going on?
Ross Geller: Chandler's gone again!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Why would you play hide and seek with someone you know is a flight risk?!
Joey Tribbiani: Aaron! You gotta let me go. The guy's hammered!
The Director: I'm sorry Joey, as long as he's here and he's conscious we're still shooting.
Richard Burke: You wouldn't happen to have a very big fork?
Joey Tribbiani: So I uh, I just talked to the director. That's it, we're done for the day.
Richard Burke: Well have we finished the scene?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! You...you were wonderful.
Richard Burke: As were you.
Joey Tribbiani: So I got your car, it's right outside.
Richard Burke: Why? Are we done for the day?
Joey Tribbiani: That's what you told me.
Richard Burke: Oh, thank you. You're welcome.
Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no! We gotta go! Come on! Here we go.
Richard Burke: Is that my ass?
Ross Geller: There he is!!
Chandler Bing: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Oh!
Ross Geller: You're not getting away this time mister! Unless you want that ass kicking we talked about!
Chandler Bing: Ross!
Ross Geller: Hiiii-Ya!! I'm serious! You're not walking out on my sister!
Chandler Bing: That's right! I'm not!
Ross Geller: Then where the hell have you been?!
Chandler Bing: I know about Monica.
Phoebe Buffay: You know?!
Ross Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I heard you and Rachel talking.
Ross Geller: What?! What?! Talking about what?!
Chandler Bing: You don't know?
Ross Geller: Know what-If somebody doesn't tell me what's going on right now...
Phoebe Buffay: What? You'll hi-ya?
Chandler Bing: Monica's pregnant.
Ross Geller: Oh my God. Oh my God! And you're-you're...you're not freaking out?
Chandler Bing: Well I was! Then I went down to the gift shop because I was out of cigarettes...
Chandler Bing: Big picture please! So I was in the gift shop, and that's when I uh, saw this. New York.) Yeah, y'know what? I thought anything that can fit into this, can't be scary.
Phoebe Buffay: Well you obviously didn't see Chucky 3.
Chandler Bing: But come on, look at how cute and small this is! So I got it to give Monica so she'd know I was okay.
Ross Geller: Dude.
Jack Geller: Way to go son! I knew you'd find him!
Charles Bing: Our little boy is getting married.
Nora Tyler Bing: Oh look at you! So handsome!
Chandler Bing: You look beautiful mom. You look beautiful too dad. I love you both. I'm so glad you here.
The Rabbi: Are you Chandler?
Chandler Bing: Are you Joey?
Ross Geller: Huh. This is nice.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Ross Geller: I've never walked down the aisle knowing it can't end in divorce.
Judy Geller: Oh I wish you're grandmother had lived to see this.
Monica Geller: She's right there.
Judy Geller: Not that old crow, my mother. Congratulations darling.
Jack Geller: I love you sweetheart.
Chandler Bing: You look beautiful. Is this new?
Monica Geller: Not now.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: Who is this?
The Rabbi: I am Father Kalebasous.
Chandler Bing: He's Greek Orthodox.
Rachel Green: As are you...
The Rabbi: Let us begin. Dearly beloved...
Joey Tribbiani: That's my line! I can take it from here, thanks. Dearly beloved, I'm sorry I'm a little late. You may be confused by this now, but you won't be Memorial Day weekend 2002. Well, let's get started before the groom takes off again. Huh? We are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. I've known Monica and Chandler for a long time, and I can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. And now, as I've left my notes in my dressing room. We shall proceed to the vows. Monica?
Monica Geller: He took off?
Rachel Green: Go on! Go on.
Monica Geller: Chandler, for so long I...I wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding I turned to a friend for comfort. And in stead, I found everything that I'd ever been looking for my whole life. And now...here we are...with our future before us...and I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soul mate, my friend. Unless you don't want to. You go!
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler?
Chandler Bing: No, that's okay. Monica I thought this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever gonna had to do. But when I saw you walking down that aisle I realized how simple it was. I love you. Any surprises that come our way it's okay, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if I'm sure?
Joey Tribbiani: You may not kiss the bride. So, I guess by the powers vested in my by the state of New York and the Internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Oh wait! Do you take each other?
Chandler Bing: I do.
Monica Geller: I do.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah you do!
Ross Geller: Rings?
Joey Tribbiani: Aw crap! Okay-uh...uh let's-let's do the rings.
Joey Tribbiani: We good? Yeah? Good? Once again, I pronounce you husband and wife. Now kiss her again.
Chandler Bing: I love you. And I know about the baby.
Monica Geller: What baby?
Chandler Bing: Our baby.
Monica Geller: We have a baby?
Chandler Bing: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.
Monica Geller: I didn't take a pregnancy test.
Chandler Bing: Then...who did?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh and they're gonna have a baby.
Rachel Green: Uh-huh.


Photographer: Great. Great! Just give me a sec to change film.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Ross Geller: Okay, I know I'm not supposed to know, but I do. And I'm so excited for you!
Joey Tribbiani: What? What's going on?
Ross Geller: Monica's pregnant!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God! Is that why you guys had to get married?!
Monica Geller: Guys! I'm not pregnant.
Joey Tribbiani: Ah. Slow swimmers?
Ross Geller: What?! What do you mean? You-you-you're not pregnant?
Monica Geller: You didn't tell anybody I was did you?!
Ross Geller: No! I'll be right back.
Photographer: Now why don't we get a shot of just Monica and the bloody soldier.
Monica Geller: Oh, about that. Joey, you have to change before the party.
Joey Tribbiani: I can't! I-I don't have any other clothes here.
Monica Geller: Find some! Please! Anything that doesn't say I-I died tragically in France.
Photographer: Well then why don't we see the bride and the groom and the bridemaids.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Hey Mon, why did you tell the guys you weren't pregnant?
Monica Geller: Because I'm not.
Phoebe Buffay: We found your test in the trash, if you're not pregnant-It's because I am.
Chandler Bing: What?! What are you talking about?
Monica Geller: What are you talking about?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, I...I am with child. And I didn't want to say anything because it's your day; I didn't want to steal your thunder.
Monica Geller: Wait a minute! So you told people I was pregnant?! Does this look like a conversation that I want to remember?!
Chandler Bing: Who's the father?
Monica Geller: Yeah!
Phoebe Buffay: I can't say.
Monica Geller: Why?!
Chandler Bing: Why not?
Phoebe Buffay: I can't say because he's famous.
Rachel Green: Oh my God, who is it?!
Monica Geller: Phoebe, come on, you have to tell us.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, okay. It's James Brolin. James Brolin is the father of my baby.
Chandler Bing: As in Barbara Streisand's husband James Brolin?
Phoebe Buffay: What?! Well he never said that to me!
Photographer: Why don't we have Monica step away and we'll get Chandler and the bridemaids.
Phoebe Buffay: How about just the bridemaids?
Chandler Bing: Y'know I am the groom right? I was told it was kinda big deal.
Phoebe Buffay: It is.
Rachel Green: For you.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God!
Rachel Green: Oh, thank you for doing that. I just can't deal with this just quite yet.
Phoebe Buffay: So instead you told me Monica was pregnant.
Rachel Green: You said that she was, I just didn't disagree with you.
Phoebe Buffay: Sneaky.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah.
Photographer: Smile ladies.
Rachel Green: Oh! Oh by the way?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-hmm.
Rachel Green: James Brolin?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I know. I could only think of two names, him and Ed Begley Jr. and then I remembered he's gay.
Rachel Green: Ed Begley Jr. is not gay.
Phoebe Buffay: Really?!
Bandleader: Thank you very much! Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Bing!
Chandler Bing: Before we go out there I've got a present for ya.
Monica Geller: Honey, I'm going to put my hand in your pocket!
Chandler Bing: No?
Monica Geller: No.
Chandler Bing: I've been taking dancing lessons.
Monica Geller: What?!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, the last six weeks. I wanted this to be a moment you will never forget.
Monica Geller: Oh that is so sweet!
Chandler Bing: So? Would you care to join me in our first dance as husband and wife?
Monica Geller: Yes.
Monica Geller: What's the matter?
Chandler Bing: I don't know, it's these new shoes, they're all slippery.
Monica Geller: Well, are you going to be able to do this?
Chandler Bing: Not well.
Monica Geller: Well, the good news is, I don't think anyone's looking at us.
Phoebe Buffay: So, are you ready to talk about it?
Rachel Green: No.
Phoebe Buffay: Now?
Rachel Green: No!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, we'll talk about something else then.
Rachel Green: Thank you.
Phoebe Buffay: Who's the father?!
Rachel Green: Ugh! Look honey y'know what? I haven't told him yet, so until I do I don't think I should tell anybody else.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. That's fine. That's fair. Is it Tag?
Rachel Green: Phoebe!!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I'm sorry. I'll stop.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Is it Ross? It's Ross isn't it-Oh my God, it's Joey!
Rachel Green: Honey, stop it! I am not going to tell you until I tell him.
Phoebe Buffay: Ah-hah! At least we know it's a him.
Monica Geller: Oh sweet Lord.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry! Okay? I went down to the gift shop and it's either this or a bathrobe! Look, what's more important, the way I'm dressed or me being with you on your special day?
Monica Geller: Honey, I'm not even going to pretend I was listening. Hey! Hey!
Ross Geller: Hi. I'm uh, I'm Ross. I don't, I don't believe we've met. I'm Monica's older brother.
Woman: Oh hi, I'm, I'm Mona from her restaurant.
Ross Geller: Oh! Hello uh, Mona from her restaurant. Mona, wow what a, what a beautiful name.
Mona: You think so? I've always kinda hated it.
Ross Geller: Aw come on, Mona Lisa?
Mona: Uh-huh.
Ross Geller: Mona umm...Clickclocken. The famous botanist? Huh? Oh no she's uh-well she's dead now. No, supposedly she was once quite the hottie of the plant world.
Mona: Really?! Well see? I never knew about her.
Ross Geller: Linda Clickclocken. So what uh, what-what table are you at? Oh, uh me too.
Mona: Oh good. Now there'll be someone there who likes my name.
Ross Geller: Yes there will. Oh guess what, Molly Gilbert you've just been bumped up to table one. And if it's all right with you I'm gonna take your place at table six-Martin Clickclocken.
Joey Tribbiani: That's better, now just bend your arms a little more. There you go. Okay, look straight ahead. Now this time I want you to really put your ass into it.
Nora Tyler Bing: Chandler darling! Look, my date has finally arrived. I'd like you to meet Dennis Phillips.
Dennis Phillips: Congratulations.
Chandler Bing: Thank you.
Nora Tyler Bing: Dennis is a dear old friend and a fantastic lover.
Chandler Bing: Bravo Dennis thanks for pleasing my mother so.
Dennis Phillips: Oh, I'm so sorry I missed the ceremony, I was stuck at auditions.
Nora Tyler Bing: Oh yes, Dennis is directing a new Broadway show.
Joey Tribbiani: I don't believe we've met, Joey Tribbiani.
Dennis Phillips: Dennis Phillips
Joey Tribbiani: Wow, I've admired your work for years. You-you've done some really amazing stuff.
Dennis Phillips: Oh, thank you. Well if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get myself a drink. Be back in a moment.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow Dennis Phillips! That's great! How did you guys meet?
Nora Tyler Bing: Well, it's a funny story.
Chandler Bing: Funny: Ha-Ha Or Funny
Bandleader: Thank you, thank you very much. If everyone will please take your seats, dinner will be served.
Ross Geller: Hey! Uh, I thought, I thought you were at table six.
Mona: No, nine.
Ross Geller: Oh see, before you uh, when you showed it to me you-you held it that way which uh, which was misleading. Well I'm... Hello.
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler. Will you see if your mom can give my resume to Dennis Phillips? 'Cause if I can get in a Broadway show then I would've done it all, film, television, and theater. The only think left would be radio, and that's just for ugly people.
Chandler Bing: What size shoes do you wear?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, eleven, eleven and a half.
Chandler Bing: Great, because my shoes are giving me a little problem on the dance floor, can I borrow the boots from your costume?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, I don't even really know where I left those. Sorry.
Chandler Bing: Those aren't eleven and a half.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay fine! I'm a seven! All right, I have surprisingly small feet. But the rest of me is good, I'll show ya!
Monica Geller: Can you believe Phoebe got pregnant?!
Rachel Green: Oh y'know what honey? Let's not talk about that right now?
Monica Geller: This is so huge.
Rachel Green: Sure, but come on, as big as your wedding?
Monica Geller: Of course not nothing is. Between me and you...
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Monica Geller: ...in this day and age how dumb do you have to be to get pregnant?
Rachel Green: Hey! Y'know, sometimes you can do everything right, everyone can wear everything they're supposed to wear, and one of those little guys just gets through!
Monica Geller: How?
Rachel Green: I don't know! Maybe they have tools.
Monica Geller: Well I-I talked to and uh, she's definitely going to have this baby. Y'know, she said she was gonna raise it on her own.
Rachel Green: Well, maybe that's, maybe that's really brave.
Monica Geller: Maybe. I just hope she realizes how hard it's gonna be.
Rachel Green: Maybe she hasn't really thought it through that well.
Monica Geller: Well, there's a lot to think about. I mean, how is she, how is she going to handle this financially? How is she going to juggle work? Does she realize she's not going to have a date again for the next eighteen years?
Rachel Green: I don't know.
Monica Geller: Are you okay?
Rachel Green: Uh-hmm. I'm just thinking about Phoebe; poor knocked up Phoebe.
Waiter: Champagne?
Rachel Green: Oh yes! Thank you very much! Oh that's-that's actually how the French drink it.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I just got off the phone with my lover, James Brolin...
Monica Geller: Oh really?!
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, and apparently he is married to some singer, but he said he would leave her for me. And I said, "James, James Brolin, are you sure?" James Brolin said...
Monica Geller: Rachel's really the one who's pregnant.
Phoebe Buffay: What?! Why bother?
Monica Geller: How do you feel?
Rachel Green: I don't know. I don't know how I feel. This is all happening so fast. I have to make all these decisions that I don't want to make. Somebody just take this away from me!!
Phoebe Buffay: Calm down. Maybe you're not pregnant.
Rachel Green: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: When I got pregnant with the triplets, I took that test like three times just to make sure.
Monica Geller: Yes! Maybe it's a false positive. Are you sure you peed on the stick right?
Rachel Green: How many ways are there to do that?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm-I'm just saying, don't freak out until you're a hundred percent sure.
Rachel Green: All right, I'll-I'll take it again when I get home.
Monica Geller: You-you gotta take it now. Come on, do it as a present to me.
Rachel Green: Okay. Thank you.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: I'll run out and get you one.
Rachel Green: Oh, you guys are so great.
Monica Geller: Oh, wait a minute! Who's is the father?!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, she won't tell us.
Monica Geller: Oh, come on it's my wedding! That can be my present.
Rachel Green: Wh-Hey, I just gave you peeing on a stick.
Phoebe Buffay: See? This is why you register.
Ross Geller: It was the chair again! Okay? I'm not doing it! It what-look, I don't-y'know what-eh-eh... Hi.
Mona: Hi!
Ross Geller: Umm, would you like to dance?
Mona: Sure.
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Mona: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Oh great!
Little Girl: Dr. Geller?
Ross Geller: I wasn't farting! Uh, a little game from our table. Yes?
Little Girl: Dr. Geller, will you dance with me?
Ross Geller: Oh umm, well uh, maybe-maybe later. Right now, I'm about to dance with this lady.
Little Girl: Okay.
Mona: Ohhhh!
Ross Geller: Uh, unless! Unless, uh this lady wouldn't mind letting you go first.
Mona: I'd be happy to. You are very sweet.
Ross Geller: Yes I-I am. In fact umm hey, why don't we try it my special way? You can dance on my feet.
Little Girl: Sure!
Ross Geller: Yeah? Hop on. Is the pretty lady looking?
Little Girl: Uh-huh.
Ross Geller: Keep dancing.
Chandler Bing: And the world will never know.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Did you talk to Dennis about me yet?
Chandler Bing: Yes, I told him how talented you were. I told him all about Days Of Our Lives.
Joey Tribbiani: No-no! No! No! You don't tell a Broadway guy that! Now he just thinks I'm a soap actor.
Chandler Bing: But you're not just a soap actor. You are a soap actor with freakishly tiny feet.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Little Girl: Thank you.
Ross Geller: No-no, thank you Miranda.
Little Girl: Melinda!
Ross Geller: All right.
Mona: How cute was that?
Ross Geller: Oh-oh, were you, were you watching?
Second Girl: Can I go next?
Ross Geller: What? Of course you can! Hop on!
Mona: Okay, but I get to hop on after her.
Ross Geller: I am so gonna score.
Second Girl: What?
Ross Geller: I like your bow.
Joey Tribbiani: I'd like to propose a toast. To Monica and Chandler, the greatest couple in the world. And my best friends. Now, my when I first found out they were getting married I was, I was a little angry. I was like, "Why God? Why? How can you take them away from me?!" But then I thought back over all our memories together, some happy memories. And-and there was some sad memories. I'm sorry. And-and some scared memories-Whoa! Eh? And then, and then I realized I'll always be their friend, their friend who can speak in many dialects and has training in stage combat and is willing to do partial nudity. Oh! To the happy couple!
Bandleader: Thank you.
Ross Geller: That was very nice Ashley.
Ashley: Can we do it again?
Ross Geller: No-no.
Mona: So, is it my turn now?
Fat Girl: I'm next!
Ross Geller: Oh!
Mona: Uh, that's okay. You can dance with her first.
Ross Geller: Oh, you-you sure? Okay. Okay. So what's uh, what's your name.
Fat Girl: Gert!
Ross Geller: That's, that's pretty. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing there Gert?
Gert: Dancing on your feet! Like the other girls did it.
Ross Geller: Okay. Hop on Gert.
Gert: Why aren't you moving your feet?
Ross Geller: I'm trying.
Gert: Faster! You're not going fast enough!
Ross Geller: Maybe I should stand on your feet!
Joey Tribbiani: So did you uh, happen to catch my toast up there?
Dennis Phillips: Oh my God, that was for my benefit?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I'd like to think there was something for everyone. Look, I know you're casting for this new show...
Dennis Phillips: Look umm Joey, I-I don't think you're quite right for this project.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, see that's where you're wrong. Whatever it is I can do it. And if didn't see it up there, just-just try me.
Dennis Phillips: It's an all Chinese cast. Can you be Chinese?
Joey Tribbiani: Well I'm not proud of this, but...
Dennis Phillips: Oh my God! No-no-no! Please! Please! Don't-don't-don't!
Monica Geller: Hey, are you ready to get back on the dance floor?
Chandler Bing: Did it turn into sand?
Monica Geller: Ohh come on, I love this song! Come on, you'll be fine.
Chandler Bing: No. No, I won't. Do you know why I took all those lessons? See, for the first time I didn't want you to be embarrassed to be seen on the dance floor with some clumsy idiot.
Monica Geller: Oh sweetie, you can never embarrass me. Okay, you can easily embarrass me. But come on, it doesn't matter. All right? I married you! So I want to dance on my wedding night with my husband. Come on. Just try not to move your feet at all. There you go.
Jack Geller: Chandler, I'm gonna have you arrested.
Chandler Bing: Why?
Jack Geller: You stole my moves.
Rachel Green: How much longer?
Phoebe Buffay: 30 seconds.
Rachel Green: 30 seconds, okay.
Monica Geller: Did I miss it? Rachel, I-I want you to know that, if it's positive, we're gonna...
Rachel Green: Oh I know. I know.
Phoebe Buffay: It's time.
The Girls: No!!
Monica Geller: Go ahead Rach.
Rachel Green: Oh wait! Y'know what? I can't, I can't look at it. I can't. Somebody else tell me, somebody tell me.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, it's negative.
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: It's negative.
Rachel Green: Oh. Oh. Well there you go. Whew! That is-that's great-that is really great-great news. Y'know 'cause the whole not being ready and kinda the financial aspects, all that. Whew. Wow, this is so just the way it was supposed to be. God.
Monica Geller: Well... Well, great.
Phoebe Buffay: Here.
Rachel Green: Thanks. God this is so stupid! How could I be upset over something I never had? It's negative?
Phoebe Buffay: No, it's positive.
Rachel Green: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: It's-it's not negative, it's positive.
Rachel Green: Are you sure?
Phoebe Buffay: Well yeah, I lied before.
Rachel Green: Oh!
Monica Geller: Oh God...
Phoebe Buffay: Now you know how you really feel about it.
Rachel Green: Oh-oh, that's a risky little game!
Monica Geller: Are you really gonna do this?
Rachel Green: Yeah. I'm gonna have a baby. I'm gonna have a baby. I'm gonna have a baby!
Phoebe Buffay: With who?
Rachel Green: Ah, it's still not the time.
Ross Geller: I just didn't see the fast song coming.
Joey Tribbiani: Shh. Shh. Don't try to talk, we'll get you up to your room, we'll soak your feet, you'll be okay.
Ross Geller: Oh, thank you.
Mona: That is so sweet!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Mona: No, I mean it. There are so few genuinely nice guys out there.
Joey Tribbiani: Tell me about it, I feel like I'm holding down the fort all by myself.
Mona: It's Joey right?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Wait a minute! No! I'm the nice one! I'm the one who danced with the kids all night! How...How small are your feet?!


Rachel Green: Listen y'know what sir? For the last time, I don't care what the computer says, we did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Joey uh, were you in our room last night?
Joey Tribbiani: No. I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill!
Chandler Bing: Hi! We're checking out of the bridal suite.
Monica Geller: That's right. I'm no longer a bride. I'll never be a bride again. Now, I'm just someone's wife!
Chandler Bing: And I'm the happiest guy in the world! Oh honey, come on don't be upset. We still have so much to look forward to!
Monica Geller: Oh yeah, right.
Chandler Bing: We got the honeymoon.
Monica Geller: That's not 'til Thursday.
Chandler Bing: The wedding pictures?
Monica Geller: They won't be ready for weeks.
Chandler Bing: Not the disposable cameras from the tables.
Monica Geller: That's true! I knew I married you for a reason!
Chandler Bing: I'll tell you what, I will go get them developed and you can go home.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Chandler Bing: What? What did you take a picture of?
Joey Tribbiani: Nothing! It was something.
Chandler Bing: Okay Ross has the cameras, has he checked out yet?
Rachel Green: Are you joking? Check out is not 'til noon and he has a good eleven minutes left.
Chandler Bing: Oh.
Monica Geller: Ross has never checked out of a room a minute before he had to.
Rachel Green: Yeah, one time, when we were dating, uh we got a late checkout, he got so excited it was the best sex we ever had. Until y'know, he screamed out Radisson at the end.
Chandler Bing: Okay, well I'm gonna get Ross, get the cameras, and get them developed. 32 Joe. You're 32!
Front Desk Clerk: Here's a copy of your bill.
Monica Geller: Oh thanks. Champagne, strawberries...Oh my God! I can't believe Chandler ordered porn on our wedding night!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, that's sad. Mashuga nut?
Ross Geller: Hi.
Chandler Bing: Hey. Soaps? Shampoos? Are you really taking all this stuff?
Ross Geller: Why not? It's built into the price of the room.
Chandler Bing: Yeah but you don't need-What is this?
Ross Geller: Thread!
Chandler Bing: Score! Where are the disposable cameras?
Ross Geller: What disposable cameras?
Chandler Bing: The cameras? Remember last night I told you to take them?
Ross Geller: No you didn't.
Chandler Bing: Yes! Remember? Right before we cut the cake, I went up to you and I said...
Ross Geller: Oh-oh yeah, you-you came up to me and asked if I could do you a favor, and my Uncle Murray came up to you and handed you a check. And then you said, "Why do they call it a check? Why not a Yugoslavian?" Yeah, then you did that.
Chandler Bing: So you don't have the cameras?!
Ross Geller: No. Sorry man.
Chandler Bing: So? What? What? They're gone! Monica's gonna freak!
Ross Geller: Well, I'm sure they're still somewhere here in the hotel. I'll-I'll help you look for them.
Chandler Bing: Great.
Ross Geller: In-in three minutes.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Are you gonna open the presents without Chandler?
Monica Geller: No! But, they're callin' out to me! I mean this little guy even crawled up into my lap. Oh come on, Chandler wouldn't mind if I opened just one present! What do you think it is?
Phoebe Buffay: A little mirror that when you look into it you see yourself as an old woman.
Monica Geller: A tiny salt shaker!!!
Phoebe Buffay: Ohhh! My God! For tiny salt!
Monica Geller: Oh wow! Okay. Well that was fun.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah.
Monica Geller: Good. Okay, I'm just gonna wait for Chandler to open the rest of them.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Monica Geller: Whew. Although y'know, this is part of a salt and pepper set. I mean... I guess y'know it may just count as a half a present. What do you think?
Phoebe Buffay: Well I guess it's okay to open one more if it's part of a set. Y'know, it's probably this one.
Monica Geller: Or this one!
Rachel Green: Hi.
Monica Geller: Hey, how are you feelin'? Any morning sickness?
Rachel Green: Shh-shh-shh! The guys don't know yet do they?
Monica Geller: No! Joey and Ross don't know anything and Chandler still thinks that Phoebe's pregnant.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah that's right Chandler does still think I'm pregnant. He hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. Boy, I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him. After you of course.
Rachel Green: Don't worry I promise that you will only have to be pregnant for a few more hours, 'cause I'm going to tell the father today.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, is it someone in this building? Is it that tall guy from the first floor?
Rachel Green: Ew! No!
Phoebe Buffay: What?! I think he's cute.
Rachel Green: Well then you have his baby.
Phoebe Buffay: Believe me I'm trying.
Monica Geller: Wow. Y'know it is so weird. I mean, you're gonna tell this guy today and he has no idea what's gonna happen.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. You're just gonna knock on his door and change his life forever. You're like Ed McMahon except without the big check, or the raw sexual magnetism.
Rachel Green: Yeah. Uh-huh, I guess it is pretty big news.
Phoebe Buffay: Pretty big? It's huge! God, this guy doesn't have a clue! He's just walking down the street thinking, 'I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock!' then bam! He's a father and everything's different.
Rachel Green: Well it's only different if he wants it to be. I mean, I'm not gonna ask him for anything.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Then he still has this huge decision to make. Now he's walking around thinking, 'Do I want to be a dad?' and then bam!
Monica Geller: What was that bam?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't. He got...he-he-he-he's hit by a bus.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant?
Joey Tribbiani: Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have an accent? I gotta make a call! I shoulda never walked into that Sunglass Hut!
Rachel Green: Oh Joey! Joey! No, it's not you! You didn't get anybody pregnant!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Why would you scare me like that? What the hell is going on? Is somebody pregnant?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah. That's me.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God Pheebs! You're gonna have a baby?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes. Yes I am. Oh my God, I'm gonna have a baby!
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, wait a minute. Who's the father?
Phoebe Buffay: You don't know him. It's not important. He wants nothing to do with me or the baby.
Joey Tribbiani: Well who is this guy?! Huh? Who is he? 'Cause I will track him down and kick his ass!
Phoebe Buffay: David Lynn.
Joey Tribbiani: David Lynn! David Lynn! David Lynn!!
Monica Geller: Who's David Lynn?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh some guy from my gym. A little annoying.
Ross Geller: Chandler?
Chandler Bing: Hey! Did you find the cameras?
Ross Geller: No. Did you?
Chandler Bing: Yes! And that's why I'm under the table. Celebrating.
Ross Geller: Well I checked in the uh, lost and found, I talked to the manager, no-one's turned them.
Chandler Bing: Well this is great. Y'know, those cameras were the only thing that was gonna cheer Monica up today, she's really depressed.
Ross Geller: Now you guys just got married, why is she so depressed?
Chandler Bing: All my energy is going into not asking that question. I can't believe I screwed this up!
Ross Geller: I'm sorry man. Here's a thought. This is the same ballroom. There's a band. There's gonna be plenty of dressed up people.
Chandler Bing: Are you suggesting we dance our troubles away?
Ross Geller: No-no-no, I'm saying we-we buy more of this at the gift shop, throw our tuxes back on, and take a few pictures. All we have to do is make sure not to get anybody else's faces.
Chandler Bing: Are you serious?
Ross Geller: I'm just thinking about your new bride at home. Okay? Do-do you really want to start your life together by letting her down?
Chandler Bing: Marriage advice? Really?!
Ross Geller: I'm telling you, this looks exactly like your wedding! Aren't these the same flowers?
Chandler Bing: I don't know, Monica picked out the flowers.
Ross Geller: What about the chairs?
Chandler Bing: She picked those out too.
Ross Geller: How about the place settings?
Chandler Bing: That was her.
Ross Geller: What did you do?
Chandler Bing: I was in charge of the cameras! Gift shop?
Ross Geller: Hmm.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Ooh, did you do it yet?
Rachel Green: Not yet.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well what are you doing here? Are you about to do it? Is it Gunther?
Rachel Green: No! Phoebe, it's not Gunther.
Phoebe Buffay: Thank God, 'cause that hair on a baby...
Rachel Green: Phoebe the father is not here okay? I haven't told him yet and I don't think I can tell him at all now!
Phoebe Buffay: Why not?
Rachel Green: I don't know, let me think. I was walking down the street thinking, 'I'm gonna tell the father today' and then bam!
Phoebe Buffay: Bus?
Rachel Green: No, you! Phoebe you freaked me out. You kept saying how huge this all is!
Phoebe Buffay: Well-well but it is huge.
Rachel Green: I know, but I was just thinking about how huge this is for me. I didn't even go to how huge this was going to be for the father.
Phoebe Buffay: You're thinking about this way too much. Just tell him and get it over with. It's like, it's like ripping off this Band-Aid. Quick and painless, watch. Oh mother of...See?
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh-ooh-ooh! Are we opening presents?
Monica Geller: No! No! I shouldn't have even opened these! I mean I-Joey I am out of control!! Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present! Okay?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Monica Geller: Give me one more.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh good, uh you're here. Uh Pheebs? Listen uh sit down. I-I got something I want to say.
Phoebe Buffay: All right.
Joey Tribbiani: Umm, now uh... It's a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. Y'know, now I always thought you and I had a special bond so... Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
Monica Geller: Oh my God! Joey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hell yeah! I'll marry you!
Monica Geller: You can't marry him!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey lady, your day's over! It's my turn!
Monica Geller: Phoebe!
Joey Tribbiani: Why?! Why can't she marry me?!
Phoebe Buffay: I can and I will!
Monica Geller: She's not pregnant. It's Rachel. Rachel's the one who's pregnant.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Monica Geller: Phoebe I think he would notice if you didn't have a baby in nine months!
Phoebe Buffay: It's Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Now I can't believe it! What? Rachel's pregnant? Who's the father?
Phoebe Buffay: We don't know.
Joey Tribbiani: Ohh... I wonder if that dude.
Monica Geller: There's a dude?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Who? Who is it?
Joey Tribbiani: About a month ago this guy spent the night with Rachel, I didn't see who it was but...
Phoebe Buffay: Was that story over?
Joey Tribbiani: The guy left this.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! I know who the father is...
Monica Geller: People have got to finish their stories!
Chandler Bing: Uh, excuse me? Could you take a picture of us?
Woman At The Wedding: Oh! Of course.
Man At The Wedding: Uh, would you take one of us?
Chandler Bing: Uhh... Yeah sure. Click!
Woman At The Wedding: It didn't click.
Ross Geller: I heard it. I heard it.
Man At The Wedding: But there was no flash.
Woman At The Wedding: Why won't you take our picture?
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah. I'll take, I'll take your picture.
Man At The Wedding: Uh, your finger was covering the lens.
Chandler Bing: Who are you? Ansel Adams?! Get outta here!
Phoebe Buffay: Look, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called the father and asked him to meet you here so you can tell him. Go!
Rachel Green: What? Hey wait a minute! Phoebe, how do you even know who the father is?
Phoebe Buffay: I may play the fool at times, but I'm a little more than a pretty blond girl with an ass that won't quit. I believe this belongs to the father of your baby.
Rachel Green: Oh God... Oh, he's in there right now?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh. Now you can turn around or you can go in there and rip the Band-Aid off. What to you want to do?
Rachel Green: Uh, let's rip!
Phoebe Buffay: Really? Are you sure?
Rachel Green: Oh Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, sorry. Yeah.
Tag Jones: Hey Rach.
Chandler Bing: Why don't you go up on stage. I'll get a picture of you doing the speech.
Ross Geller: Okay. Okay!
Ross Geller: Will the owner of a 1995 Buick LeSabre please see the front desk? Your car is about to be towed.
Anxious Wedding Guest: That's my car!
Ross Geller: A '95 LeSabre?!
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes!
Ross Geller: A green LeSabre?
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes!
Ross Geller: I'm sorry, I meant a blue LeSabre.
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes! Green-blue!
Ross Geller: Well go! Go move it!
Chandler Bing: Okay, you ready for the last picture?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Get ready to run. Congratulations on your wedding.
Tag Jones: So, what's this about?
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel has something that she wants to tell you and umm, I believe that this is your red sweater.
Tag Jones: No. This is my red sweater.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no. Could I get anyone a coffee or...poison? No? Just for me? Okay.
Tag Jones: What's going on Rach?
Rachel Green: Nothing! Phoebe kinda made a mistake. But y'know you do wear that sweater a lot, are you involved in some kind of dare?
Tag Jones: Y'know, I'm actually glad Phoebe called. I know we broke up because you thought I wasn't mature enough, but I've really grown up and think we should get back together.
Rachel Green: Oh, it's just not the right time.
Tag Jones: It is the right time.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Tag Jones: I'm ready for more.
Rachel Green: Tag...
Tag Jones: Come on Rach, let's give it another try.
Rachel Green: I'm having a baby.
Tag Jones: Oh.
Rachel Green: You can go.
Tag Jones: Thank you.
Monica Geller: I don't know how any of these got opened?!
Joey Tribbiani: You opened them all?
Monica Geller: I know! I know! I am a terrible person! I mean, Chandler is never going to trust me with anything ever again!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh hey! You got my parent's gift!
Monica Geller: Yeah. What is that?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I don't know. I think it does something to salami.
Monica Geller: Hey! How'd it go?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. What-what did Tag say?
Rachel Green: Tag is not the father! And Joey knows now?
Joey Tribbiani: I do Rach. I do, and I so happy for you.
Rachel Green: Oh wow, you didn't even try to unhook my bra!
Monica Geller: So are you ever gonna tell whoever it is?
Rachel Green: No, I will. I'm just not up for it tonight.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Rach listen, no matter what this guy says I want you to know you're not gonna be alone in this.
Rachel Green: I'm not?
Joey Tribbiani: Listen I uh... It's a scary world out there especially if you're a single mom. Y'know, I always felt like you and I have this-this special bond. Y'know? So, Rachel Green will you marry me?
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: What?!!
Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs, give me the ring back!
Phoebe Buffay: No!!
Rachel Green: No! Joey, oh you're so sweet. You're so-so sweet, honey. But I'm not, I'm not looking for a husband.
Joey Tribbiani: I understand.
Rachel Green: Now, if you will excuse me I am going to go and lie down.
Phoebe Buffay: I can't say that didn't hurt. But I'll take you back Joey Tribbiani.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh yeah. Pheebs, listen about that. I only offered...
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh! A Salami Buddy!
Joey Tribbiani: There you go!
Chandler Bing: We're back!
Monica Geller: Great! We're hangin' in the kitchen! Let's stay in the kitchen!
Chandler Bing: It's picture time.
Ross Geller: Now you are going to love these.
Chandler Bing: Here's a picture of Ross. And that's me. And that's me and Ross. Oh-ho, that is a picture of our first kiss as a married couple.
Monica Geller: Wow! That is a great picture!
Chandler Bing: Eh?
Monica Geller: Yeah! Oh and interesting because I found the cameras in one of our bags!
Ross Geller: Huh, didn't see that coming.
Chandler Bing: Okay, so this isn't a picture of our first, but it is a picture of my first kiss with...with this lady. Which by the look on your face I'm sure you'll remember. So we don't need-There's no need to have this picture. How about I take the real pictures and get them developed right now.
Monica Geller: That would be a good idea.
Chandler Bing: Okay. You opened all the presents without me?! I thought we were supposed to do that together!
Monica Geller: You kissed another woman!
Chandler Bing: Call it even?!
Monica Geller: Okay!
Ross Geller: Well, I'm gonna go get these in some water.
Phoebe Buffay: Wait you stole those from these people's wedding?
Ross Geller: No-no, I took them from the hotel lobby. Yeah, they think they can charge me for some dirty movie and a bag of Mashuga nuts, they got another think coming. Hey! My sweater! I've been looking for this for like a month!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God!
Ross Geller: Hey! How you doing?
Tag Jones: Good! Good, long time no see.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Tag Jones: Like your sweater.
Ross Geller: Oh hey, right back at ya.
Tag Jones: Oh, it's crazy about Rachel huh?
Ross Geller: Yeah. She-Well, she's one crazy lady?
Tag Jones: So whose is it?
Ross Geller: Umm, I don't some Italian guy. Come on, read your own label. See you later.
Tag Jones: Okay.
Ross Geller: He is so weird.


Chandler Bing: Hey! Babe! Aren't you excited we're going on our honeymoon?
Monica Geller: Yeah I am!
Chandler Bing: Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama...
Monica Geller: That's right. Get it out of your system while we're alone.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Have a great honeymoon!
Chandler Bing: I'd better go pack.
Monica Geller: Oh no, I already packed. The only thing I couldn't find though was your Speedo.
Chandler Bing: A Speedo? Uh, I don't have a Speedo. I'm gonna go pack my regular long bathing suit.
Rachel Green: Oh good you're still here!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: I want to tell you to have a good honeymoon!
Monica Geller: Thank you.
Rachel Green: And I also wanted you guys to know that I am telling the father today. What? What? What?
Joey Tribbiani: We know its Ross!
Rachel Green: How?! How do you know?
Phoebe Buffay: It was his sweater, but-Oh my God!
Rachel Green: Oh, I so wanted Ross to know first, but I'm so relieved you guys know.
Monica Geller: This is so great! And I'm gonna be your baby's aunt!
Rachel Green: I know!
Phoebe Buffay: Me too!
Joey Tribbiani: I'm gonna be an uncle! Come here!
Rachel Green: You're all gonna be aunts and uncles.
Monica Geller: Yeah, but I'm the only one related by blood.
Rachel Green: Okay. Great! So now that you guys all know you can help me. Give me some advice on how I'm gonna tell Ross!
Monica Geller: Well, what were you gonna say?
Rachel Green: Well I was gonna tell him that I'm-I'm gonna have the baby and he can be as involved as he wants.
Joey Tribbiani: Well that, that sounds good.
Rachel Green: Yeah but how do I start? I mean, what's-what's the first thing that I say? Okay great! Thanks.
Monica Geller: Hey! Good luck!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, bye.
Joey Tribbiani: Bye.
Chandler Bing: Hey, what was that all about?
Monica Geller: Well I guess there is no harm in telling you now, Rachel and Ross are gonna have a baby.
Chandler Bing: What?! I didn't even know that-Why didn't you tell me?! Why am I talking like this?!
Monica Geller: I didn't think you could keep it a secret.
Chandler Bing: What?! I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of our secrets.
Joey Tribbiani: What secrets?
Chandler Bing: Oh no-no Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper.
Joey Tribbiani: You'll tell me later?
Chandler Bing: You already know.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's so romantic to send people off on their honeymoon.
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know, Monica and Chandler are married. Ross and Rachel are having a baby. Maybe you and I should do something.
Phoebe Buffay: All in good time my love. All in good time. Oh shoot! I left my guitar in their apartment. Well you can let me in later.
Joey Tribbiani: I don't have a key, they took mine to give to you.
Phoebe Buffay: What?! They took mine to give to you!
Joey Tribbiani: Why would they take away our keys?
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe they don't trust us.
Joey Tribbiani: No that's not it. They let me keep my key the last time they were out of town.
Phoebe Buffay: You mean the time you broke the ketchup bottle and cleaned it up with Monica's guest towels?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I washed those!
Phoebe Buffay: No you didn't.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah that didn't sound like me.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, what am I gonna do? I really need my guitar!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I have stuff in there too.
Phoebe Buffay: What stuff?
Joey Tribbiani: Monica's chicken parm! I'll take care of it. Hey Mr. Treeger, it's Joey Tribbiani. Listen, I need to get into Monica and Chandler's apartment. It's an emergency. Uhh, gas leak! Yeah oh, and bring garlic bread.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Did Rachel find you?
Ross Geller: No why?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh she was looking for you.
Ross Geller: Oh well, I guess I'll catch up with her later.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, she really wanted to talk to you now.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, it seemed pretty important.
Ross Geller: Oh no.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Ross Geller: I think I might know what this is about.
Joey Tribbiani: Really?
Ross Geller: Yeah. Uh, uh we promised we weren't gonna tell anybody this but uh, about a month ago Rachel and I slept together.
Phoebe Buffay: And?
Ross Geller: Wow! I thought you would be a little more shocked.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh sorry. And?!
Ross Geller: Well, we-we said we'd just do it that one time but, but now I think she may wanna start things up again.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I don't think that's what it is.
Ross Geller: Why? What-what else could it be?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh wow, I don't feel well.
Ross Geller: I'm telling you. I'm telling you. That's what it is. No wonder she was looking at me all funny during the wedding. She didn't say anything to you?
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe it's something you ate?
Joey Tribbiani: Please, just-just, just go and talk to Rachel.
Ross Geller: Yeah, I guess I should. Man, y'know what I have to realize? Maybe I'm just not the type of guy women can have just one night with. Y'know, they-they always seem to want a little bit more. I should remember that.
Ticket Agent: Next?
Monica Geller: They're kissing let's just go around them.
Chandler Bing: Oh honey, leave them alone, they're in love.
Monica Geller: I'm in love too! But in an orderly fashion.
Ticket Agent: Next?
Monica Geller: Hi! Can you do that and walk? 'Cause she said, "Next."
Woman: Sorry. We didn't hear you; we're on our honeymoon.
Ticket Agent: Oh, let me see what I can do. There are some first class seats available.
Monica Geller: Did you hear that?! They bumped them up to first class because they are on their honeymoon! Come on! Let's act like we're on our honeymoon.
Chandler Bing: We are on our honeymoon.
Monica Geller: Grab my ass!
Ticket Agent: Next?
Monica Geller: Hi, sorry. I almost didn't hear you, because y'know I'm just so in love with my new husband. We're on our honeymoon.
Ticket Agent: Congratulations. Okay, Mr. Bing you'll be in 25J and Mrs. Bing you'll be in 25K.
Monica Geller: Oh no, you see we're on our honeymoon. So umm, can you do your little thing and bump us up to first class?
Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, all our first class seats are taken. That couple got the last two.
Monica Geller: You see, if we'd gone around them like I said, we-She would've given us those tickets. Damnit!
Chandler Bing: 25J and K, any chance those aren't together?
Joey Tribbiani: I still can't believe they took away my key. You trust me with yours.
Phoebe Buffay: Of course I do! And I'm gonna give it back to you as soon as they're done with it at the key shining place.
Joey Tribbiani: What the hell is that?
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Treeger, what are you doing?
Mr. Treeger: You said there was a gas leak in here.
Phoebe Buffay: Well why don't you use your key?
Mr. Treeger: Because by the time I find it on this thing , the whole place might have exploded. If that happens at another building that I manage, people are gonna start asking questions. Come on! Hurry up.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! We could have done that.
Monica Geller: Look at that! Look at that! They're going into the first class lounge! Do you know what they have in there?
Chandler Bing: No.
Monica Geller: Me neither! We have to get in!
Chandler Bing: Just act like you belong.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! Oranges!
Chandler Bing: Shh! Nice to see you again.
Airline Employee: Uh sir, may I see your tickets please?
Chandler Bing: Yes, of course.
Airline Employee: I'm sorry, would you move your thumb? I can't see the seat number.
Chandler Bing: Oh that's all right, I have it memorized. It's 1A.
Airline Employee: Sir, this is not a first class ticket. I'm sorry.
Chandler Bing: Apology accepted. Excuse us.
Airline Employee: Sir! I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Monica Geller: Fine. Go! Go! Go!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Ross Geller: Hi.
Rachel Green: Hi. Umm, I think there's something that we really need to talk about.
Ross Geller: I think we do. Why don't we go inside? Look uh, I know why you're here.
Rachel Green: You do?
Ross Geller: Yeah, and to save you from any embarrassment umm, I think maybe I should talk first.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Ross Geller: Okay. Uh, Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. That's been one heck of a see-saw hasn't it?
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: I mean look, that-that one night we had was fun and...and certainly passionate, but don't you think it's better if we just stayed friends?
Rachel Green: Seriously. What?!
Ross Geller: Okay. Okay. Y'know what? If you want to, we can do it one more time. I mean I'd-I'd be okay with that. In fact, I have some time right now.
Rachel Green: Okay, y'know what? Can I, can I talk now?
Ross Geller: Oh sure.
Rachel Green: I'm pregnant. Ross? Ross? Okay, whenever you're ready. And you're the father by the way-but you got that...
Rachel Green: Can I get you some water?
Ross Geller: I'm good. I'm good.
Rachel Green: Ross, there is no pressure on you. Okay? I mean you can as involved as you want.
Ross Geller: Yeah, I need uh... I'm just-I don't know-I don't understand, umm, how this happened? We-we used a condom.
Rachel Green: I know. I know, but y'know condoms only work like 97% of the time.
Ross Geller: What? What? What?!! Well they should put that on the box!!!
Rachel Green: They do!
Ross Geller: No they don't!!! Well they should put it in huge black letters!!!!
Rachel Green: Okay Ross come on let's just forget about the condoms.
Ross Geller: Oh well I may as well have!
Rachel Green: Listen, y'know what? I was really freaked out too when I found out...
Ross Geller: Freaked out? Hey no, I'm not freaked out! I'm indignant! As a consumer!
Rachel Green: Y'know what? Let's, let's talk later.
Ross Geller: No! No! I want to talk now! Okay? I-In fact, I am going to talk to the president of the condom company!
Rachel Green: Okay, y'know maybe I should come back...
Ross Geller: Shh! Shh! Shh!
Rachel Green: Okay.
Ross Geller: Yeah I'll press 1!
Mr. Treeger: I've looked everywhere. There's no gas leak.
Joey Tribbiani: Huh. So then I can heat this up?
Mr. Treeger: Anyway uh, I'll get moving on that new door.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh great! And listen, could you do us a favor and not tell Chandler and Monica about this? 'Cause y'know umm, they don't-they don't have any kids of their own and-and this door was like a child to them.
Mr. Treeger: Well I'm gonna have to put on a new lock, they'll find out anyway.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no.
Mr. Treeger: Whoa! This looks like an all day job, I'll have to cancel my yoga class. Hey Ross!
Ross Geller: Hi.
Mr. Treeger: Could you tell Jasmine that I won't make it to yoga class today?
Ross Geller: Sure.
Mr. Treeger: Namaste.
Ross Geller: Namaste.
Ross Geller: Oh my God! What happened to the door?!
Joey Tribbiani: So it's noticeable huh?
Ross Geller: Look, is Rachel here? I really need to talk to her.
Phoebe Buffay: Didn't you two already talk?
Ross Geller: Yeah but uh... Okay, okay look you guys know that Rachel and I slept together, but there's something else. Rachel's pregnant.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God!!! I can't believe that!!
Phoebe Buffay: Holy mother of God!!!
Ross Geller: With my child.
Phoebe Buffay: That is brand new information!!
Ross Geller: You already know don't you?
Phoebe Buffay: A little bit.
Joey Tribbiani: How are you doing?
Ross Geller: Okay. Okay. I mean I'll be okay. It's just I don't think I handled it very well.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, what did you say to her?
Ross Geller: Nothing. But the complaint department at the condom company got an earful. And then when I turned around she was gone.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh Ross.
Ross Geller: But hey, in my defense I-I just found out condoms are like only 97% effective.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Ross Geller: I gotta go find her.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa! Hey! Whoa!! Hold up! Are you serious?! So like 3% of the time they don't even work?! Huh? They should put that on the box!
Ross Geller: Evidently they do.
Joey Tribbiani: What?!
Monica Geller: I can't believe we're here.
Chandler Bing: Oh you've got to be kidding me.
Monica Geller: What?
Front Desk Clerk: As a wedding gift to you, the hotel would like to give you the honeymoon suite.
Monica Geller: No!! You have been screwing us all day!
Man: Who are you?
Chandler Bing: We're you just ten seconds later!
Monica Geller: Yeah! You already got the first class tickets; you got the lounge! I mean we should get free stuff too! I mean you're not the only ones on your honeymoon!
Woman: Well you can have the suite if you want. We don't care about where we stay. We're here to celebrate our love together. We don't have to get free stuff. We just want to be together.
Chandler Bing: We need the stuff.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Monica it's Joey. Listen uh, Phoebe and I smell gas comin' from your apartment.
Monica Geller: What? Are you serious?! Joey smells gas!
Chandler Bing: What else is new?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah and we'd go check it out, but you took away our keys.
Monica Geller: Well do something! Get in there!
Joey Tribbiani: How? I guess I could break down your door.
Monica Geller: Yeah! Do that!
Joey Tribbiani: And-and you won't blame us for any damage?
Monica Geller: No! Are you doing it?! I don't hear anything! Come on!
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, okay I'll-I'll-I'll break it down.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh hey hi, he's doing it. He's breaking down the door. Okay, we're in.
Nurse: Okay Rachel, are you comfortable?
Rachel Green: If I said I was, would you judge me?
Nurse: The doctor will be here in a minute to do your sonogram.
Rachel Green: Okay. Oh man, I swear if they sold these at Pottery Barn...
Ross Geller: Hi!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Ross Geller: Uh we-we need to talk.
Rachel Green: Uh-uh-uh, right now? Because I've kinda got an el fresco situation going on over here.
Ross Geller: Please, please I want to apologize for the way I acted earlier today.
Rachel Green: Okay Ross that's fine, but can you please stand near my head?
Ross Geller: What? Oh yeah. I'm sorry. I mean I-I think I went a little crazy. I mean I was thinking about myself when I really-I should have been thinking about you Rach...
Rachel Green: Okay. Head Ross! Head Ross! Head Ross!
Ross Geller: Right! Right! I just-I want you to know that I'm going to be there through this whole thing, okay? Okay? The doctor's appointments, the uh, the Lamaze classes, uh baby-proofing the apartment-Although we could probably worry about that 'til after we get married.
Rachel Green: What married?
Ross Geller: Well yeah, I think we should get married.
Rachel Green: What, because that's your answer to everything?
Ross Geller: No, because that's the right thing to do.
Rachel Green: Yeah, maybe if you're in love. But Ross, we are not in love, are we?
Ross Geller: No but...but still you can't possibly do this alone.
Rachel Green: Excuse me?
Ross Geller: Come on Rach, you can't even eat alone in a restaurant.
Rachel Green: What?!
Ross Geller: I'm just saying if you can't eat by yourself, how do you expect to have a baby by yourself?
Rachel Green: I can too eat by myself!
Ross Geller: When have you ever?
Rachel Green: When certain people leave the table and I am not finished!
Ross Geller: Well certain other people take two hours to eat a bowl of soup!
Rachel Green: Oh please, you inhale your food!
Ross Geller: I grew up with Monica! If you didn't eat fast you didn't eat!!
Dr. Long: Am I interrupting?
Rachel Green: Oh no Dr. Long, please come in. This is Ross, he is the father.
Ross Geller: But not the husband, because evidently she can do this alone.
Dr. Long: Huh. Nice to meet you. I'll get started on this.
Ross Geller: I don't know why you can't admit that you need me.
Rachel Green: I do need you! I need you to stand near my head!
Dr. Long: Okay, everything looks good. Here it is on the screen. Here is your uterus. And right here is your baby.
Ross Geller: Oh my God.
Rachel Green: Wow. There it is, I see it.
Dr. Long: Congratulations. I'll give you two a minute.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Ross Geller: Thank you.
Ross Geller: Pretty amazing huh?
Rachel Green: I don't see it!
Ross Geller: What? What?!
Rachel Green: I can't see it!
Ross Geller: You-you just said that you did!
Rachel Green: I know, I lied! I didn't want her to think I was a terrible mother! I can't even see my own baby!
Ross Geller: Oh sure, come here! Sure you can! Uh, look come here look, it's-it's-it's, it's right there .
Rachel Green: Oh. Oh, it's beautiful. I see it now.
Ross Geller: Do you really?
Rachel Green: No, I don't see it!
Ross Geller: Come on! Come on! Here, okay-okay, you see this? This tiny thing that looks like a peanut?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Sweetie that's it.
Rachel Green: That's it? Well I saw that! Ohh-ohh-oh, thank you.
Ross Geller: You're welcome.
Rachel Green: Wow! I can't believe that's our baby.
Ross Geller: Yeah, that's our baby.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! So how was the doctor?
Rachel Green: Oh, everything went great.
Phoebe Buffay: Good.
Ross Geller: Oh hey, show them the picture of your uterus.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Joey Tribbiani: I don't see the baby. Where is it?
Rachel Green: Oh no, I know I couldn't see it either at first, but it's right umm... Ross, I lost it again.
Ross Geller: Oh. (He takes the picture and hugs her.


Chandler Bing: Wait. Before we go in, I just want you to know I love you. I had a great time on our honeymoon, and I can't wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together.
Monica Geller: You're really sticking with the shell necklace huh?
Phoebe Buffay: Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! You're back!
Monica Geller: Hi sweetie!
Phoebe Buffay: Come on in!
Phoebe Buffay: So how was the honeymoon?
Monica Geller: Oh, so much fun. But the best part is, we met this incredible couple on the way back.
Phoebe Buffay: That was the best part? Good honeymooning tiger.
Monica Geller: No, they were really cool. They were on their honeymoon too!
Chandler Bing: They're terrific, and they live right here in the city.
Monica Geller: Yeah, can we go call them? Is it too soon to call? I wanna call.
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry, we're just kinda excited because we finally have a couple to hang out with.
Monica Geller: I know.
Joey Tribbiani: A couple? Like two people? Like one , two people?
Monica Geller: This is different! Greg and Jenny are in a relationship.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, Greg and Jenny yuck! Hi Greg, I'm Chandler this is Monica. Hi Monica, this is Jenny. Hi Jenny. Hi Greg.
Chandler Bing: Listen, they are really great. If you just got a chance...
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know what? Why don't you just give us our souvenirs and get the hell out of here?
Chandler Bing: We really...didn't get a chance to...
Phoebe Buffay: You have got to be kidding me!
Monica Geller: We didn't get anything for anyone.
Joey Tribbiani: Hm-mm! Yeah nice necklace!
Monica Geller: That you can have.
Rachel Green: Hi!
Everyone: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hello!
Rachel Green: Welcome home.
Ross Geller: So, how was the honeymoon?
Monica Geller: It was great! It was great! How about you?! I mean you're having a baby!
Rachel Green: Oh! Look! I have a sonogram picture!
Monica Geller: Oh great!
Chandler Bing: Ross! It's got your wavy black lines!
Monica Geller: All right, so now that Ross knows can you tell us y'know how it happened? I mean, when did it happen? How many times did it happen?
Phoebe Buffay: Monica! That's not right! Start with where.
Rachel Green: Well it happened about six weeks ago, and uh I had just got home from work and Ross was already there 'cause I guess he had been hanging out with Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: You're welcome buddy.
Ross Geller: Yeah, thanks.
Rachel Green: And so I had a lot of work to do so Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out. And then we had a little wine, we got to talking, and the next thing you know out of nowhere Ross comes on to me.
Ross Geller: Umm that's...that's a little misleading.
Rachel Green: What is?
Ross Geller: The lie you just told.
Rachel Green: That-that you came on to me?
Ross Geller: There's the one!
Rachel Green: But you did! I mean, let's be honest.
Ross Geller: Yes let's. Y'know what? Uh, it's-it's not important. What is important is that, is that we're having a baby. And it's not-Doesn't matter who came on to who.
Joey Tribbiani: Whom. That's right.
Rachel Green: You know you kissed me first.
Ross Geller: What? What?! You were begging me to kiss you! You-you-you were sending me signals all over the place!
Rachel Green: I was sending you signals?
Ross Geller: Yeah!
Rachel Green: Oh please. Okay, anyone in this room think that I would send Ross begging symbols, please show of hands.
Ross Geller: Y'know what?! It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter what you believe! What matters is what happened!
Rachel Green: Okay. So these signals Ross, explain this to me, 'cause maybe I need to be more careful. I mean, am I sending you these signals right now?
Ross Geller: Y'know what? Y'know what? Rachel, just-just drop it.
Rachel Green: No please, show me how I begged you!
Ross Geller: I can show you, I have it on videotape! It's an expression.
Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe he taped the two of them having sex!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! You gotta tell a girl before you tape her. Such a rookie mistake.
Chandler Bing: Y'know who has a great video camera?
Phoebe Buffay: Greg and Jenny?
Monica Geller: Do you still wanna call 'em? I wanna call 'em.
Chandler Bing: Let's call 'em.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Ask them if they brought their friends any souvenirs!
Monica Geller: Hello? Eighth street deli?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hang up! You get food poisoning just talkin' to that place.
Monica Geller: Uh sorry, wrong number.
Chandler Bing: Here you go.
Monica Geller: Hello? It's the deli again!
Joey Tribbiani: All right! I'll have a sandwich!
Monica Geller: I don't think this number's right!
Chandler Bing: What?
Phoebe Buffay: You got fake numbered.
Monica Geller: What?! People don't do that!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh I think we do.
Monica Geller: They gave us a fake number? Why? Why would they do that?
Chandler Bing: I don't know! You were a delight to talk to. You asked all those insightful, great questions.
Monica Geller: And you've never been funnier. Joke, joke, joke, you were a hoot!
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know what? Don't worry about it, you still got me and Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: Excuse me, I don't want Greg and Jenny's rejects.
Ross Geller: Rachel won't talk to me! She won't even open the door!
Phoebe Buffay: Hmm, I wonder why. Pervert!
Ross Geller: Okay, listen I am not a pervert!
Phoebe Buffay: That's like the pervert motto! Yeah! Yeah! They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand down your pants, and repeat that!
Ross Geller: Filming Rachel is not something I planned. Okay look, here's what happened, and Joey you-you can back me up on this. All right, about-about a month and a half ago I came to you with a problem? Umm, a personal thing.
Joey Tribbiani: Personal thing? What personal thing? I don't know.
Ross Geller: About...about sex? That I hadn't had sex in months?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah I knew what you were talkin' about.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Ross Geller: Do you have a minute? I'd like to talk to you about something I'm, I'm really uncomfortable talking about.
Joey Tribbiani: Sure. What? About uh, you showering with your mom?
Ross Geller: I actually had a topic in mind! I'm, I'm kinda going through a dry spell, sex wise.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, for like months?
Ross Geller: Five to be lying, six.
Joey Tribbiani: Six months? Whoa that's rough.
Ross Geller: Well, I mean it's not all bad. I'm learning to appreciate the uh, smaller things in life. Like the sound of a bird and the color of the sky.
Joey Tribbiani: The sky's blue Ross and I had sex yesterday!
Ross Geller: Please, help me! I have a date tonight. It has to go well okay-I'm scared for my health!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Okay. Umm...Ooh! Oh-oh, I got something. It's this story I came up with, very romantic. I swear any woman that hears it; they're like putty.
Ross Geller: Really? Well then tell it to me.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Now you're gonna want to have sex with me when you hear it, but you have to remember it is just the story.
Ross Geller: I'll try to control myself.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe...
Ross Geller: You were backpacking across Western Europe?
Joey Tribbiani: Have a nice six more months Ross!
Ross Geller: Okay! Okay! Okay. I'm sorry. Please, please, you were in Western Europe and?
Joey Tribbiani: I was just outside Barcelona hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing and there was a lake, very secluded. And there were tall trees all around. It was dead silent. Gorgeous. And across the lake I saw...a beautiful woman...bathing herself...but she was crying...
Ross Geller: Why?
Kristen: Umm, this is great wine.
Ross Geller: It's from France...In Europe...Western Europe. Y'know umm, a few years ago I actually was backpacking across Western Europe.
Kristen: Really?
Ross Geller: Uh-hmm-Wait! It gets better. Um, yeah I was in Barcelona.
Kristen: I studied for a year in Barcelona.
Ross Geller: Anyway, umm so I was um, I was hiking...
Kristen: I love hiking!
Ross Geller: Oh that's great! I was hiking along the foothills of Mount Tibidaybo...
Kristen: I think its Tibidabo.
Ross Geller: Okay! Do you wanna tell the story?!
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa! What are you doing here? How did your date go?
Ross Geller: Great! I'm across the street having sex with her right now. Your story sucks!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Look, if it didn't work it's because you didn't tell it right! Show me how you did it.
Ross Geller: No! No, I don't...don't want to.
Joey Tribbiani: How long since you've seen a girl naked?
Ross Geller: I was backpacking across Western Europe.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm not feeling it.
Ross Geller: I was just outside Barcelona, hiking...
Joey Tribbiani: No! No! No Ross! I'm not hot! Are you hot?
Ross Geller: It's been six months! I'm always hot!
Joey Tribbiani: Well you're not selling the story! It's like; it's like you don't believe it! Look, I gotta go. I got a date, but try this. Do what I do when I'm preparing for an audition. Okay? I'll set you up with my video camera and you can record yourself and-and see what you're doing wrong.
Ross Geller: I'll try that.
Joey Tribbiani: All right now... All right, you're all set up. You're good to go. Just hit record. All right?
Ross Geller: Thanks.
Joey Tribbiani: Good luck.
Ross Geller: Thanks. And-and hey Joe?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah?
Ross Geller: Listen, if you ever have any problem with the ladies you know I'll help you out.
Joey Tribbiani: That means a lot to me man.
Ross Geller: Hello! Can I get you anything? Huh? Lens cleaner? Your battery okay? Rachel!
Rachel Green: Oh Ross!
Ross Geller: Hi!
Rachel Green: Thank God you're here! You have to help me! Were you just talking to yourself?
Ross Geller: That's less embarrassing, yes. Yes I was.
Ross Geller: So when she came in, I got distracted and totally forgot about the camera. It kept rolling and recorded everything.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, we're gonna need to see that tape.
Monica Geller: Yeah, definitely.
Ross Geller: What a great idea! That will get Rachel to forgive me!
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know what? This is not fair to her. Let's just forget the tape!
Ross Geller: Thank you. No!
Joey Tribbiani: You're right.
Ross Geller: Joey! No!
Joey Tribbiani: Loud and clear!
Monica Geller: I still don't get why Greg and Jenny would give us a fake number.
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know, if they knew what they were doing they probably didn't give you real names either.
Monica Geller: Okay, maybe people give out fake numbers, but they don't give out fake names.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah? Hi, Ken Adams, nice to meet you.
Phoebe Buffay: Regina Philange.
Chandler Bing: I still don't get it, we didn't do anything wrong.
Monica Geller: I know! Although, you did tell an awful lot of jokes.
Chandler Bing: I thought you said those jokes were funny. Joke! Joke! Joke!
Monica Geller: Joke. Joke. Blah! Blah!
Chandler Bing: Well maybe it was all of your questions.
Monica Geller: What about my questions?
Chandler Bing: The sheer volume, it was like flying with the Riddler!
Monica Geller: Oh, I'm sorry. Was that another joke?
Chandler Bing: Was that another question?
Rachel Green: Hey! Is Ross still here?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh no Rach, he's gone. But listen, he told us what happened and it does, it sounds like an honest mistake.
Rachel Green: Oh really? Well how would you like it if I had sex with you and I taped it? Oh forget it! Oh there he is now, the father of my child, the porn king of the west village.
Ross Geller: Look, it was accident! Okay? I-I feel bad that it happened, but I swear, I didn't even watch it! Anyway, here. I thought you might be more comfortable destroying it yourself.
Rachel Green: Thank you. What? You don't want to see this do you?
Monica Geller: Hell yeah!!!
Rachel Green: I am not gonna show you this!
Phoebe Buffay: No! Not the sex part, just the stuff leading up to it.
Ross Geller: Forget it, she's destroying it.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay fine! Fine! We'll just have to think of some other way to put the whole 'Who came onto who,' thing to rest! Come on now, think!!
Ross Geller: Look, forget it Phoebe. Okay? It's Rachel's tape and she can do whatever she wants with it. And she wants to destroy it. So, end of story.
Rachel Green: I wanna see it.
Ross Geller: What?!
Rachel Green: Clearly you don't want people to see this tape. Now I don't want people to see this tape either, but you so badly don't people to see it makes me want to see it. You see?
Joey Tribbiani: Are we watchin' the tape or not?!
Ross Geller: I don't want people to see it for your sake.
Rachel Green: Ahh, I don't believe you. I think you don't want them to see you begging me.
Ross Geller: Rachel, please...
Rachel Green: Ah, a little preview!
Ross Geller: Fine. Fine, but I want the record to show that I tried to take the high road, because in about five minutes I'm gonna be saying...
Rachel Green: Okay, here we go.
Ross Geller: Hello! Can I get you anything?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm so happy!
Rachel Green: Oh, thank God you're here! You have to help me! Were you just talking to yourself?
Rachel Green: There I am.
Phoebe Buffay: You're gonna get pregnant.
Rachel Green: I screwed up so bad, I told Monica that I would stuff and send all these wedding invitations like weeks ago and I-I...
Ross Geller: You didn't do it?
Rachel Green: I-I know-I had put them in...in-in my desk at work and I completely forgot about them until today.
Monica Geller: Sweetie okay. It's okay. Everybody made it to the wedding. I'm fine.
Rachel Green: Kinda hurtin' my hand though.
Monica Geller: I know.
Rachel Green: I cannot believe that I did this. Especially after Monica just went on and on and on about it! "Okay Rachel! Here are the invitations Rachel! Now be very careful Rachel! Please, drinking no liquids around the invitations Rachel!" Whoa oh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh...oh-oh-oh...
Chandler Bing: Did you do it on our invitations?!
Ross Geller: Not on the ones we sent out.
Chandler Bing: So, just the ones gave back to us and we had framed!
Rachel Green: Can you believe this is already happening? I mean it seems like yesterday they just got engaged.
Ross Geller: I know. Hey remember...remember the night they got engaged? How uh, you and I almost...
Rachel Green: Oh, I remember how we almost. Do you think we would've gone through with it? Y'know, if we hadn't gotten caught. Do you think we would've done it?
Ross Geller: I mean I...I know I wanted to. I just, I just wasn't sure if you wanted to.
Rachel Green: Oh I wanted to.
Ross Geller: So we...we both wanted to.
Rachel Green: Interesting.
Ross Geller: Yeah. Anyway umm, it probably worked out for the best.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah, sure.
Rachel Green: Okay, in about ten seconds you're gonna see him kiss me.
Ross Geller: And in about five seconds you're gonna see why.
Rachel Green: Ross did I ever tell you about the time that I went backpacking through Western Europe?
Rachel Green: Okay, get ready to see some beggin'!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you came on to Ross!
Rachel Green: What?!
Ross Geller: Now I'm so happy.
Rachel Green: What are you talking about?!
Monica Geller: You used the Europe story!
Chandler Bing: That's the magic story you use when you wanna have sex!
Rachel Green: How do you know about that story?!
Joey Tribbiani: How do you know about that story?!
Rachel Green: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy!
Joey Tribbiani: Some guy!!
Rachel Green: No. No, she told me his name was Ken Adams.
Joey Tribbiani: Ken Adams!!
Ross Geller: Hi.
Rachel Green: So uh, apparently people are familiar with the Europe story?
Ross Geller: Yeah. Listen about that, the whole uh, who came on to who thing really doesn't matter. I mean, I think it would've happened either way. I mean if you hadn't initiated it I-I-I know I would've.
Rachel Green: It was an amazing night.
Ross Geller: It was. It was an amazing night.
Rachel Green: You think it looked amazing?
Ross Geller: I uh... I don't know. I mean I...I honestly didn't watch it.
Rachel Green: Yeah, me neither. Yet...
Ross Geller: Uhhhhhh...that-that may be weird.
Rachel Green: Yeah, it would be really weird.
Ross Geller: Good luck.
Rachel Green: Good luck to you.
Ross Geller: Mind if I mute?
Rachel Green: Oh please.
Ross Geller: Oh, oh there go the clothes.
Rachel Green: You are undressing very quickly.
Ross Geller: Six months Rachel, six months.
Ross Geller: Hey. We-we look...we look pretty good.
Rachel Green: That's what I was gonna say.
Ross Geller: Oh nice tan!
Rachel Green: Thank you! I had just gone to the beach that weekend.
Ross Geller: Ah...
Rachel Green: Have you been working out?
Ross Geller: I have been working out.
Rachel Green: Really? Wow, this is so much better than I...
Ross Geller: Oh that's not pretty.
Rachel Green: Oh! Oh!
Ross Geller: No!
Rachel Green: Oh God!
Ross Geller: Oh no!
Rachel Green: Oh, make it stop!
Ross Geller: Oh no!!
Rachel Green: Make it stop!!
Ross Geller: No!!
Rachel Green: Have to make it stop!!
Ross Geller: No!!!
Monica Geller: Hello Greg? Hi, this is Monica from the plane? Listen, the number that you gave me 853-5... That is their old number! Jenny's been giving it out since they moved!
Chandler Bing: Jenny! That is so Jenny!
Monica Geller: Hey listen umm, how would you like to get together? Say next Saturday? Okay, how about Sunday? Okay umm, the week after that? The week after that? Y'know what Greg? Y'know what? We are good, interesting, funny people with good questions and if you and your precious Jenny can't see that then... January 15th? We'll see you then! Okay!