Monica Geller: Hey, guys.
Rachel Green: Hey... hi, ladies... uh, can I get you anything? : Did you bring the mail?
Monica Geller: Lots of responses.
Rachel Green: : Really? : Sure, we have scones left! : OK, read them to me.
Phoebe Buffay: : Dear Ms. Green, thank you for your inquiry, however... oh...
Rachel Green: : We have apple cinnamon...
Monica Geller: : OK... Dear Ms. Green... yeah... yeah... yeah... No.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow!
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: : Your Visa bill is huge!
Rachel Green: Give me that!
Chandler Bing: You know, I can't believe you. Linda is so great! Why won't you go out with her again?
Ross Geller: I don't know.
Chandler Bing: Is this still about her whole 'The Flintstones could've really happened' thing?
Ross Geller: No, it's not just that. It's justI want someone who... who does something for me, y'know? Who gets my heart pounding, who... who makes me, uh...
Chandler Bing: ...little playthings with yarn?
Ross Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: Could you want her more?
Ross Geller: Who?
Chandler Bing: Dee, the sarcastic sister from Whats Happening.
Ross Geller: Look, I am totally, totally over her, OK, I just... : Hiiii!
Rachel Green: Hi! How are you?
Ross Geller: We're fine, we're fine.
Rachel Green: OK.
Joey Tribbiani: Shut up!
Chandler Bing: We're notwe're not saying anything.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Ross Geller: Uhhhh... Joey cried last night.
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you.
Chandler Bing: We were playing poker, alright...
Joey Tribbiani: There was chocolate on the three. It looked like an eight, alright?
Ross Geller: Oh, guys, you should've seen him. 'Read 'em and weep.'
Chandler Bing: And then he did.
Rachel Green: Well, now, how come you guys have never played poker with us?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, what is that? Like, some kind of guy thing? Like, some kind of sexist guy thing? Like it's poker, so only guys can play?
Ross Geller: No, women are welcome to play.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, OK, so then what is it? Some kind of... you know, like, like... some kind of, y'know, like... alright, what is it?
Chandler Bing: There just don't happen to be any women in our games.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker.
Monica Geller: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse!
Rachel Green: Really.
Monica Geller: I mean, that's a typical guy response.
Ross Geller: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?
Rachel Green: But you could teach us.
Guys: No.
Chandler Bing: OK, so now we draw cards.
Monica Geller: So I wouldn't need any, right? Cause I have a straight.
Rachel Green: Oh, good for you!
Phoebe Buffay: Congratulations!
Chandler Bing: OK Phoebs, how many do you want?
Phoebe Buffay: OK, I just need two... the, um, ten of spades and the six of clubs.
Ross Geller: No. No, uh, Phoebs? You can'tyou can't do...
Rachel Green: Oh wait, I have the ten of spades! Here!
Ross Geller: No, no. Uh... no, see, uh, you-you can't do that.
Rachel Green: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no, that's OK, I don't need them. I'm going for fours.
Ross Geller: Oh, you're...
Monica Geller: Alright, here we go. We've got salmon roulettes and assorted crudites.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you doin'? This is a poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz...
Chandler Bing: OK, so at this point, the dealer...
Monica Geller: Alright, you know, we got it, we got it. Let's play for real. High stakes... big bucks...
Ross Geller: Alright, now, you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didn't look happy...
Phoebe Buffay: But... I'm ready, so, just deal.
Chandler Bing: OK, alright, last minute lesson, last minute lesson. Joey... three... eight. Eight... three. Alright babe, deal the cards.
Monica Geller: Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Phoebe Buffay: : Oh I see, so then, you were lying.
Joey Tribbiani: About what?
Phoebe Buffay: About how good your cards were.
Joey Tribbiani: Heh... I was bluffing.
Phoebe Buffay: A-ha! And... what is bluffing? Is it not another word for... lying?
Rachel Green: OK, sorry to break up this party, but I've got resumes to fax before work tomorrow...
Guys: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Chandler Bing: Rach, Rach, we gotta settle.
Rachel Green: Settle what?
Chandler Bing: The... Jamestown colony of Virginia. You see, King George is giving us the land, so...
Ross Geller: The game, Rachel, the game. You owe us money for the game.
Rachel Green: Oh. Right.
Joey Tribbiani: You know what, you guys? It's their first time, why don't we just forget about the money, alright?
Monica Geller: Hell no, we'll pay!
Phoebe Buffay: OK, Monica? I had another answer all ready.
Monica Geller: And you know what? We want a rematch.
Ross Geller: Well that's fine with me. Could use the money.
Rachel Green: : So basically, you get your ya-yas by taking money from all of your friends.
Ross Geller: ...Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.
Ross Geller: Look, Rachel, this is poker. I play to win, alright? In order for me to win, other people have to lose. So if you're gonna play poker with me, don't expect me to be a 'nice guy,' OK? Cause once those cards are dealt...
Joey Tribbiani: ...Yeah?
Ross Geller: I'm not a nice guy.
Ross Geller: Alright boys, let's eat.
Chandler Bing: Oh, did you get that from the 'I Love Rachel' pizzeria?
Ross Geller: You still on that?
Chandler Bing: Oh, come on. What was with that whole Black Bart speech? : "When I play poker, I'm not a nice guy!"
Ross Geller: You are way off, pal.
Joey Tribbiani: No, I don't think so, see Ross, because I think you love her.
Ross Geller: Um... no. See, I might've had feelings for her at one timenot any more. I justI...
Ross Geller: Marcel! Where are you going with that disc?
Ross Geller: You are not putting that on again! Marcel, OKif you press that button, you are in very, very big trouble.
Rachel Green: Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being?
Monica Geller: Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive.
Phoebe Buffay: Ha. Ha, ha.
Monica Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black.
Monica Geller: Please! I am not as bad as Ross.
Rachel Green: Oh, I beg to differ. The Pictionary incident?
Monica Geller: That was not an incident! I-I was gesturing, a-and the plate slipped out of my hand.
Rachel Green: Oooooh. : Oh! I got an interview! I got an interview!
Monica Geller: You're kidding! Where? Where?
Rachel Green: : Sak's... Fifth... Avenue.
Monica Geller: Oh, Rachel!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's like the mother ship is calling you home.
Monica Geller: Well, what's the job?
Rachel Green: Assistant buyer. Oh! I would be shopping... for a living!
Monica Geller: OK, look. That is Aunt Iris. This woman has been playing poker since she was five. You gotta listen to every word she says. Hi!
Aunt Iris: Is Tony Randall dead?
Rachel Green: No.
Monica Geller: I don't think so.
Rachel Green: Why?
Aunt Iris: Well, he may be now, because I think I hit him with my car.
Monica Geller: What?
Rachel Green: Oh my God!
Monica Geller: Really?
Aunt Iris: No! That's bluffing. Lesson number one. Let me tell you something... everything you hear at a poker game is pure crap. : Nice earrings.
Phoebe Buffay: Thank y...
Aunt Iris: Girls, sit down.
Monica Geller: Uh, Aunt Iris? This is Phoebe, and that's Rachel...
Aunt Iris: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, I am parked at a meter. Let's do it.
Phoebe Buffay: Ross, could we please, please, please listen to anything else?
Ross Geller: Alright.
Ross Geller: I'm gonna pay for that tonight.
Rachel Green: Hi!
Ross Geller: Hey.
Rachel Green: Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess what, guess what!
Chandler Bing: Um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?
Rachel Green: Noooo... the interview! She loved me! She absolutely loved me. We talked for like two and a half hours, we have the same taste in clothes, andoh, I went to camp with her cousin... And, oh, the job is perfect. I can do this. I can do this well!
Everyone: That's great! That's wonderful!
Rachel Green: Oh God, oh, and then she told the funniest story...
Monica Geller: OK, great. You'll tell us and we'll laugh. Let's play poker.
Joey Tribbiani: Alright now listen, you guys, we talked about it, and if you don't want to play, we completely understand.
Chandler Bing: Oh yes, yes, we could play some other game... like, uh, I don't know... Pictionary?
Monica Geller: Ha, ha, very funny, very funny. But I think we'd like to give poker another try. Shall we, ladies?
Ross Geller: Uh, Rach, do you want me to shuffle those?
Rachel Green: No, no, thats OK. Y'know, I think I'm gonna give it a go.
Ross Geller: Alright.
Rachel Green: Alright...
Ross Geller: So, Phoebs owes $7.50, Monica, you owe $10, and Rachel, you owe fifteen big ones.
Joey Tribbiani: But hey, thanks for teachin' us Cross-Eyed Mary. You guys, we gotta play that at our regular game.
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, here's my $7.50. But I think you should know that this money is cursed.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I cursed it. So now bad things will happen to he who spends it.
Chandler Bing: That's alright, I'll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. This way I can break 'em up with a movie.
Ross Geller: Well, that just leaves the big Green poker machine, who owes fifteen...
Rachel Green: Mmm-hmmm. Oh, so typical. Ooo, I'm a man. Ooo, I have a penis. Ooo, I have to win money to exert my power over women.
Monica Geller: You know what? This is not over. We will play you again, and we will win, and you will lose, and you will beg, and we will laugh, and we will take every last dime you have, and you will hate yourselves forever.
Rachel Green: Hmm. Kinda stepped on my point there, Mon.
Ross Geller: So, you gals wanna hand over your money now? That way, we don't have to go through the formality of actually playing.
Rachel Green: Ooooh, that's fine. We'll see who has the last laugh there, monkey boy.
Monica Geller: OK, we done with the chit-chat? Are we ready to play some serious poker?
Phoebe Buffay: Hey you guys, look, the one-eyed jack follows me wherever I go. Right, OK, serious poker.
Monica Geller: Excuse me, where are you going?
Ross Geller: Uh... to the bathroom.
Monica Geller: Do you want to go to the bathroom, or do you wanna play poker?
Ross Geller: I want to go to the bathroom.
Joey Tribbiani: Alright, well, I'm gonna order a pizza.
Rachel Green: Oh no-no-no-no-no, I'm still waiting to hear from that job and the store closes at nine, so you can eat then.
Joey Tribbiani: That's fine. I'll just have a Tic-Tac to hold me over.
Monica Geller: Alright, Cincinnati, no blinds, everybody ante.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes! ... or no.
Ross Geller: Alright. : Your money's mine, Green.
Rachel Green: Your fly is open, Geller.
Phoebe Buffay: You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence?
Chandler Bing: Hey, that's... that's 'joincidence' with a 'C'!
Joey Tribbiani: Uh... Phoebe? Phoebe?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Um... I'm out.
Rachel Green: I'm in.
Monica Geller: Me too.
Joey Tribbiani: Me too. Alright, whattaya got.
Ross Geller: Well, you better hop outta the shower, cause... I gotta flush.
Rachel Green: Well, well, well, hop back in bucko, cause I got four sixes! I won! I actually won! Oh my God! Y'know what? I think I'm gonna make a little Ross pile. I think that one was Ross's, and I thinkohthat one was Ross's. Yes! : Well, I have got your money, and you'll never see it...
Rachel Green: And your fly's still open...
Rachel Green: Ha, I made you look...
Rachel Green: I couldn't be inner. Monica?
Phoebe Buffay: Monica, in or out?
Monica Geller: I hate this game!
Phoebe Buffay: OK Joey, your bet.
Joey Tribbiani: Ahhh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face. Oh, I'm out.
Phoebe Buffay: Ross?
Ross Geller: Oh, I am very in.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler?
Chandler Bing: Couldn't be more out.
Phoebe Buffay: Me too. Rachel.
Rachel Green: Uh, I will see you... and I'll raise you. What do you say... want to waste another buck?
Ross Geller: No, not this time. So... what'd you have?
Rachel Green: I'm not telling.
Ross Geller: Come on, show them to me.
Rachel Green: No..!
Ross Geller: Show them to me!
Rachel Green: Get your hands out of there! No!
Ross Geller: Let me see! Show them!
Chandler Bing: Y'know, I've had dates like this.
Rachel Green: Boy, you really can't stand to lose, can you? Your whole face is getting red... little veins popping out on your temple...
Phoebe Buffay: Plus that shirt doesn't really match those pants.
Ross Geller: First of all, I'm not losing...
Rachel Green: Oh, you are losing. Definitely losing.
Ross Geller: Let's not talk about losing. Just deal the...
Rachel Green: Hel-lo, Rachel Green.
Ross Geller: Mee mee, mee-mee mee.
Rachel Green: Excuse me. It's about the job.
Rachel Green: Barbara! Hi, how are you? Uh-huh. No, I understand. Yeah. Oh, oh, come on, no, I'm fine. Don't be silly. Yeah... oh, but you know, if-if anything else opens up, pleaHello? Hello?
Monica Geller: Sorry, Rach.
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, there's gonna be lots of other stuff.
Rachel Green: Yeah... ...OK. Where were we? Oh, OK... five card draw, uh... jacks or better... nothing wild, everybody ante.
Joey Tribbiani: Look, Rachel, we don't have to do this.
Rachel Green: Yes, we do.
Monica Geller: Alright, check.
Joey Tribbiani: Check.
Ross Geller: I'm in for fifty cents.
Chandler Bing: Call.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm in.
Rachel Green: I see your fifty cents... and I raise you... five dollars.
Ross Geller: I thought, uh... it was a fifty cent limit.
Rachel Green: Well, I just lost a job, and I'd like to raise the bet five bucks. Does anybody have a problem with that?
Rachel Green: : Loser?
Ross Geller: No, I fold.
Rachel Green: What do you mean, you fold? Hey, come on! What is this? I thought that 'once the cards were dealt, I'm not a nice guy.' I mean, what, were you just full of it?
Ross Geller: I'm in.
Rachel Green: How many you want?
Ross Geller: One.
Rachel Green: Dealer takes two. What do you bet?
Ross Geller: I bet two dollars.
Rachel Green: OK... see your two... and I raise you twenty.
Ross Geller: I see your twenty, raise you twenty-five.
Rachel Green: See your twenty-five...and...uh, Monica, get my purse.
Monica Geller: Rachel, there's nothing in it.
Rachel Green: OK, then get me your purse.
Monica Geller: OK, here you go. Good luck.
Rachel Green: : Thank you. : I saw your twenty-five, and I raise you... seven.
Phoebe Buffay: ...teen!
Ross Geller: : Joey, I'm a little shy.
Joey Tribbiani: That's OK, Ross, you can ask me. What?
Chandler Bing: : What do you need, what do you need?
Ross Geller: Fifteen.
Chandler Bing: Alright, here's ten.
Joey Tribbiani: Here, I got five, I got five.
Ross Geller: Thank you.
Chandler Bing: Good luck.
Ross Geller: : OK, I am calling your seventeen. What do you got?
Rachel Green: Full house.
Ross Geller: You got me.
Joey Tribbiani: : Ahhh, that's alright. Y'know, that's a tough hand to beat.
Chandler Bing: : I thought we had them!
Ross Geller: Oh, well, when you don't have the cards, you don't have the cards, you know. But, uh... look how happy she is.
Chandler Bing: Airplane! Airport! Airport '75! Airport '77! Airport '79!
Rachel Green: Oh, time's up.
Monica Geller: Bye... bye... BIRDIE.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh!
Phoebe Buffay: That's a bird?
Phoebe Buffay: That's a bird!
Rachel Green: OK, OK, it's my turn.
Chandler Bing: Go.
Ross Geller: Uh... bean! Bean!
Joey Tribbiani: The Unbearable Likeness of Being!
Rachel Green: Yes!
Monica Geller: That, you get? That, you get?


Rachel Green: Okay, okay, I checked. We have: Earl Grey, English Breakfast, Cinnamon Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry, and.. oh, wait, there's one more, um.. Lemon Soother. You're not the guy that asked for the tea, are you? Okay.
Monica Geller: Mail call, Rachel Green, bunk seven.
Rachel Green: Thank you. Oh, cool! Free sample of coffee!
Monica Geller: Oh good! 'Cause where else would we get any?
Rachel Green: Oh. Right. ...Oh great.
Monica Geller: What is it?
Rachel Green: Country club newsletter. My mother sends me the engagement notices for 'inspiration.' Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Barry and Mindy!
Monica Geller: Barry who you almost...?
Rachel Green: Barry who I almost.
Monica Geller: And Mindy, your maid of...?
Rachel Green: Mindy, my maid of. Oh!
Monica Geller: That's Mindy? Wow, she is pretty. Lucky. To have had a friend like you.
Ross Geller: Marcel. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Good boy. Good boy. C'mere, gimme the rice. Thank you, good boy. Well, I see he's finally mastered the difference between 'bring me the' and 'pee in the'. 'Bring me the' and- Rach?
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: Hi.
Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, this is so stupid! I mean, I gave Barry up, right? I should be happy for them! I am, I'm happy for them.
Ross Geller: Really.
Rachel Green: No. Oh, oh, I guess it would be different if I were- with somebody.
Ross Geller: Whoah, uh, what happened to, uh, 'Forget relationships! I'm done with men!' The whole, uh, penis embargo?
Rachel Green: Oh, I don't know. I guess it's not about no guys, it's about the right guy, y'know? I mean, with Barry, it was safe and it was easy, but there was no heat. With Paolo, that's all there was, was heat! And it was just this raw, animal, sexual...
Ross Geller: Wait-wait. I, I got it. I was there.
Rachel Green: Well, I mean, do you think you can ever have both? Y'know? Someone who's like, who's like your best friend, but then also can make your toes curl?
Ross Geller: Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes, I really do! In fact, it's funny, very often, someone who you wouldn't think could-could curl your toes, might just be the one who...
Monica Geller: Hi.
Ross Geller: ...Gets interrupted. Hi!
Rachel Green: Hi, how was the movie?
Monica Geller: Wonderful!
Phoebe Buffay: So good!
Joey Tribbiani: Suck-fest.
Chandler Bing: Toootal chick-flick.
Phoebe Buffay: I-I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies with, like, y'know, guns and bombs and, like, buses going really fast...
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I don't need violence to enjoy a movie. Just so long as there's a little nudity.
Monica Geller: There was nudity!
Joey Tribbiani: I meant female nudity. Alright? I don't need to see Lou Grant frolicking.
Ross Geller: Alright, I've gotta go. C'mon, Marcel! C'mon! We're gonna go take a bath. Yes we are, aren't we? Yes, we are.
Chandler Bing: They're still just friends, right?
Rachel Green: And I will see you tomorrow!
Ross Geller: That's right, you're gonna spend tomorrow at Aunt Rachel's, aren't you.
Monica Geller: Oh, hang on, hang on. Does Aunt Monica get a say in this?
Ross Geller: 'Pwease, Aunt Monica, pwease?' Oh, unclench. You're not even gonna be there.
Chandler Bing: I can't believe we are even having this discussion.
Joey Tribbiani: I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief.
Chandler Bing: I mean, don't you think if things were gonna happen with Rachel, they would've happened already?
Ross Geller: I'm telling you, she said she's looking for a relationship with someone exactly like me.
Joey Tribbiani: She really said that?
Ross Geller: Well, I added the 'exactly like me' part... But she said she's looking for someone, and someone is gonna be there tonight.
Joey Tribbiani: 'Tonight' tonight?
Ross Geller: Well, I think it's perfect. Y'know, it's just gonna be the two of us, she spent all day taking care of my monkey...
Chandler Bing: I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey.
Ross Geller: Anyway, I figured after work I'd go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there and, uh, try to woo her.
Chandler Bing: Hey, y'know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's, when that phrase was last used.
Rachel Green: Now, now the one in the feather boa, that's Dr. Francis. Now, she used to be a man. Okay, now look, see, there's Raven. We hate her. We're glad she's dying. Okay- Wh- wh- Marcel, are you playing with Monica's shoes? You know you're not supposed to pl- whoah. Marcel, did you poo in the shoe? Marcel, bad monkey! Oh! Oh! Sorry, Barry. Little engagement gift. I'm sure you didn't register for that. Who died? Who died? Roll him over! Oh, c'mon, roll him over! Oh...! Well, we know it wasn't Dexter, right Marcel? Because- Marcel? Marc-
Joey Tribbiani: How could you lose him?
Rachel Green: I don't know. We were watching TV, and then he pooped in Monica's shoe-
Monica Geller: Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one?
Rachel Green: I don't know. The left one.
Monica Geller: Which ones?
Rachel Green: Oh. Oh, those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Everyone: Hi.
Phoebe Buffay: Whoah, ooh, why is the air in here so negative?
Chandler Bing: Rachel lost Marcel.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, how?
Monica Geller: He- he pooped in my shoe.
Phoebe Buffay: Which one?
Monica Geller: Those cute little black ones I wear all the time.
Phoebe Buffay: No, which one? The right or left? 'Cause the left one is lucky...
Rachel Green: C'mon, you guys, what're we gonna do, what're we gonna do?
Joey Tribbiani: Alright alright. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go?
Chandler Bing: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room.
Rachel Green: Oh, my, God, c'mon, you guys! He's gonna be home any minute! He's gonna kill me!
Monica Geller: Okay, we'll start with the building. You guys take the first and second floor, Phoebe and I'll take third and fourth.
Rachel Green: Well, what'm I gonna do? What'm I gonna do?
Monica Geller: Okay, you stay here, and just wait by the phone. Spray Lysol in my shoe, and wait for Ross to kill you.
Rachel Green: Anybody wanna trade? Oh...
Mr. Heckles: Whaddyou want?
Monica Geller: Mr. Heckles, our friend lost a monkey. Have you seen it?
Mr. Heckles: I left a Belgian waffle out here, did you take it?
Monica Geller: No!
Phoebe Buffay: Why would you leave your Belgian waffle in the hall?
Mr. Heckles: I wasn't ready for it.
Monica Geller: A monkey. Have you seen a monkey?
Mr. Heckles: Saw Regis Philbin once...
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, thank you, Mr. Heckles.
Mr. Heckles: You owe me a waffle.
Rachel Green: Okay, he's a, he's a black capuchian monkey with a white face... ...with, with Russian dressing and, and pickles on the side. Okay. Thanks.
Ross Geller: Hey. How did, uh, how'd it go today?
Rachel Green: Great! It went great. Really great. Hey, is that wine?
Ross Geller: Yeah. You, uh, you want some?
Rachel Green: Oh, I would love some. But y'know what? Y'know what? Let's not drink it here. I'm feeling kinda crazy. You wanna go to Newark?
Ross Geller: Uh, okay, yeah, we could do that, but before we head off to the murder capital of the North-East, I was, uh, kinda wanting to run something by you. Y'know how we were, uh, y'know, talking before about, uh, relationships and stuff? Well-
Rachel Green: Oh God, Ross, I cannot do this.
Ross Geller: Okay, quick and painful.
Rachel Green: Oh God... Okay. Alright. Alright. Okay. Ross, please don't hate me.
Ross Geller: Oh, what? What-what?
Rachel Green: Y'know Marcel?
Ross Geller: ...Yeah?
Rachel Green: Well, I kind of... I kind of lost him.
Ross Geller: I- I- I ca- I can't believe this. I mean, all I asked you to do was keep him in the apartment.
Rachel Green: I know, I know, I'm sorry-
Ross Geller: No, y'know what, I guess it's partially my fault. Y'know, I shouldn't've, uh, asked you to start off with a monkey. I should've started you off with like a pen or a pencil.
Rachel Green: Ross, I'm doing everything that I can, I've got everybody looking for him, and I- Oh! Who is it?
Intercom: Animal Control.
Rachel Green: See? I've even called Animal Control!
Ross Geller: You called Animal Control?
Rachel Green: Uh-huh... why... do you not like them?
Ross Geller: Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. I'm not allowed to have him in the city. If they find him, they'll take him away from me.
Rachel Green: O-okay, now see, you never ever ever told us that...
Ross Geller: That's right, I.. 'cause I didn't expect you were gonna invite them to the apartment!
Rachel Green: Hi, thanks for coming.
Luisa Gianetti: Somebody called about a monkey?
Rachel Green: Oh, y'know what? That was a complete misunderstanding!
Ross Geller: Yeah, we thought we had a monkey, but we-we didn't.
Rachel Green: Turned out it was a hat.
Ross Geller: Cat!
Rachel Green: Cat! What'm I saying? Cat!
Monica Geller: Hi. We checked the third and fourth floor, no-one's seen Marcel.
Luisa Gianetti: Marcel?
Ross Geller: My uncle Marcel.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, is that who the monkey's named after?
Luisa Gianetti: Oookay. Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic is, uh, punishable by up to two years in prison and confiscation of the animal?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God. You'd put that poor little creature in jail?
Monica Geller: Pheebs, you remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, but there isn't always time!
Monica Geller: Look. I'm sure there's some friendly way to reconcile this! Um, have a seat. First of all, we haven't been introduced, I'm Monica Geller.
Luisa Gianetti: Oh my God, you are! And you're Rachel Green!
Rachel Green: Yeah!
Luisa Gianetti: Luisa Gianetti! Lincoln High? I sat behind you guys in home room!
Rachel Green: Luisa? Oh my God! Monica! It's Luisa!
Monica Geller: The Luisa from home room!
Rachel Green: Yes!!
Luisa Gianetti: You have no idea who I am, do you.
Monica Geller: No, none at all.
Rachel Green: None.
Luisa Gianetti: Well, maybe that's because you spent four years ignoring me. I mean, would it have been so hard to say 'Morning, Luisa'? Or 'Nice overalls'?
Monica Geller: Oh, I'm- I'm so sorry!
Luisa Gianetti: Ah, it's not so much you, you were fat, you had your own problems. But you? What a bitch!
Rachel Green: What?!
Monica Geller: Be that as it may, d'you think you could just help us out here on that monkey thing? Y'know, just for old times' sake? Go Bobcats?
Luisa Gianetti: I could... but I won't. If I find that monkey, he's mine.
Phoebe Buffay: Dun-dun-duuuur! Sorry.
Chandler Bing: Marcel?
Joey Tribbiani: Marcel?
Chandler Bing: Marcel?
Joey Tribbiani: Marcel?
Woman No. 1: Hi, can I help you?
Chandler Bing: Um, we're kind of having an emergency and we-we were looking for something...
Joey Tribbiani: A monkey.
Chandler Bing: Yes have you seen any?
Woman No. 1: No. No, haven't seen a monkey. Do you know anything about fixing radiators?
Joey Tribbiani: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way?
Woman No. 1: Of course.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Then, no.
Woman No. 2: Did I put too much rum in here?
Woman No. 1: Just a sec. Hope you find your monkey.
Chandler Bing: Oh, nononowaitwaitwaitnono! Uh... we may not know anything about radiators per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling... mileu.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, aren't we kind of in the middle of something here?
Chandler Bing: Yes, but these women are very hot, and they need our help! And they're very hot.
Joey Tribbiani: We can't, alright? We're sorry. You have no idea how sorry, but... We promised we'd find this monkey. If you see him, he's about yea high and answers to the name Marcel, so if we could get some pictures of you, you'd really be helping us out.
Chandler Bing: Okay, from now on, you don't get to talk to other people.
Joey Tribbiani: Marcel?
Chandler Bing: Marcel?!
Phoebe Buffay: Marcel?
Monica Geller: Marcel?
Phoebe Buffay: Marcel?
Both: Marcel?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh-my-God!
Monica Geller: Whaaat!
Phoebe Buffay: Something just brushed up against my right leg!
Monica Geller: What is it?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's okay, it was just my left leg.
Monica Geller: Look, Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Oh, c'mere, Marcel! Oh, Marcel, c'mere!
Luisa Gianetti: Step aside, ladies!
Monica Geller: What're you gonna do?
Luisa Gianetti: Just a small tranquiliser.
Monica Geller: Run, Marcel, run! Run, Marcel! Are you okay?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, think so. Oh! Huh. Whoah.
Monica Geller: Oh gosh.
Ross Geller: Marcel?
Rachel Green: Marcel?
Ross Geller: Marc- oh, this is ridiculous! We've been all over the neighbourhood. He's gone, he's-he's just gone.
Rachel Green: Ross, you don't know that.
Ross Geller: Oh come on. It's cold, it's dark, he doesn't know the Village. And now I have a broken foot. I have no monkey, and a broken foot! Thank you very much.
Rachel Green: Ross, I said I'm sorry like a million times. What do you want me to do? You want me to break my foot too? Okay, I'm gonna break my foot, right here. Ow!! Oh! Oh my God, oh my God! There, are you happy now?!
Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah. Y'know, now that you kicked the sign, hey! I don't miss Marcel any more!
Rachel Green: Y'know, it is not like I did this on purpose.
Ross Geller: Oh, no no no. Nono, this is just vintage Rachel. I mean, things just sort of happen around you. I mean, you're off in Rachel-land, doing your Rachel-thing, totally oblivious to people's monkeys, or to people's feelings...
Rachel Green: Ross.
Ross Geller: I don't even wanna hear it, you're just...
Rachel Green: Ross.
Ross Geller: Oh, forget it, okay?
Rachel Green: Ross!
Ross Geller: What? What?
Both: Hey! Hey, Bananaman!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, this is so intense. One side of my butt is totally asleep, and the other side has no idea.
Ross Geller: Hi, did you order some bananas?
Mr. Heckles: What about it?
Ross Geller: Gimme back my monkey.
Mr. Heckles: I don't have a monkey.
Rachel Green: Then what's with all the bananas?
Mr. Heckles: Potassium.
Ross Geller: Marcel? Marcel? Okay, where is he? Where is he? Marcel? Marcel?
Ross Geller: Marcel! What've you done to him?
Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey. That's Patti, Patti the monkey.
Ross Geller: Are you insane? C'mere, Marcel, c'mon.
Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti.
Ross Geller: C'mere, Marcel.
Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti.
Luisa Gianetti: Here, monkey. Here, monkey! Here, monkey! Gotcha.
Ross Geller: Okay, gimme my monkey back.
Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey.
Luisa Gianetti: You're both gonna have to take this up with the judge.
Mr. Heckles: That's not my monkey. Just the dress is mine, you can send that back whenever.
Ross Geller: Alright, I want my monkey.
Luisa Gianetti: No!
Rachel Green: Oh, c'mon, Luisa!
Luisa Gianetti: Sorry, prom queen.
Ross Geller: You had to be a bitch in high school, you couldn't've been fat.
Rachel Green: Alright. In high school I was the prom queen and I was the homecoming queen and the class president and you... were also there! But if you take this monkey, I will lose one of the most important people in my life. You can hate me if you want, but please do not punish him. C'mon, Luisa, you have a chance to be the bigger person here! Take it!
Luisa Gianetti: Nope.
Rachel Green: Alright. Well then how about I call your supervisor, and I tell her that you shot my friend in the ass with a dart?
Ross Geller: It'll be nice to get this off finally, won't it? Yes it will. Or we can leave it on for now, that's fine.
Rachel Green: Y'know, with the right pair of pumps, that would be a great little outfit.
Ross Geller: Listen, I'm- I'm sorry I was so hard on you before, it's just I...
Rachel Green: Oh, Ross, c'mon. It's my fault, I almost lost your...
Ross Geller: Yeah, but you were the one who got him back, y'know? You, you were great. ...Hey, we uh, we still have that, uh, that bottle of wine. You in the mood for, uh, something grape?
Rachel Green: That'd be good.
Ross Geller: Alright. The, uh, the neighbours must be vacuuming. Well, so long as we're here and, uh, not on the subject, I was thinking about, uh, how mad we got at each other before, and, um, I was thinking maybe it was partially because of how we, um...
Barry Farber: Rachel.
Rachel Green: Barry?!
Barry Farber: I can't. I can't do it, I can't marry Mindy. I think I'm still in love with you.
Ross Geller: We have got to start locking that door!
Monica Geller: This is me in The Sound of Music. See the von Trapp kids?
Phoebe Buffay: Nope.
Monica Geller: That's because I'm in front of them.
Chandler Bing: Eh. I thought that was an alp.
Monica Geller: Well, high school was not my favourite time.
Joey Tribbiani: I dunno, I loved high school. Y'know? It was just four years of parties and dating and sex.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, well I went to boarding school with four hundred boys. Any sex I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice.
Monica Geller: Gosh, doesn't it seem like a million years ago?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Oooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! My butt cheek is waking up! Oooh! Ooh!


Chandler Bing: I can't believe you would actually say that. I would much rather be Mr. Peanut than Mr. Salty.
Joey Tribbiani: No way! Mr.Salty is a sailor, all right, he's got to be, like, thetoughest snack there is.
Ross Geller: I don't know, you don't wanna mess with corn nuts. They're craaazy.
Monica Geller: Oh my God. You guys! You gotta come see this! There's some creep out there with a telescope!
Ross Geller: I can't believe it! He's looking right at us!
Rachel Green: Oh, that is so sick.
Chandler Bing: I feel violated. And not in a good way.
Phoebe Buffay: How can people do that?... Oh, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy got gravity boots!
Chandler Bing: I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We could totally be ourselves, we didn't have to play any games...
Monica Geller: So have you called her yet?
Chandler Bing: Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? It's the next day! How needy do I want to seem? I'm right, right?
Monica Geller: I can't believe my parents are actually pressuring me to find one of you people.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, God, just do it! Call her! Stop being so testosteroney!
Chandler Bing: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat. I got her machine.
Joey Tribbiani: Her answer machine?
Chandler Bing: No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up.
Phoebe Buffay: So, uh, why didn't you say anything?
Chandler Bing: Oh, no-no-no-no. Last time I left a spontaneous message I ended up using the phrase "Yes indeedy-o."
Monica Geller: Look look! It's Rachel and Barry. No, don't everybody look at once!
Ross Geller: Okay, okay, what's going on?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, they're just talking...
Ross Geller: Yeah, well, does he look upset? Does he look like he was just told to shove anything?
Phoebe Buffay: No, no actually, he's smiling.. and... Oh my God, don't do that!!
Ross Geller: What? What? What?!
Phoebe Buffay: That man across the street just kicked that pigeon! Oh!
Chandler Bing: And basically, that's how a bill becomes a law.
Everyone: Oh!... Right!
Chandler Bing: Hey Rach!
Monica Geller: How'd it go?
Rachel Green: Y'know, it was, uh.. it was actually really great. He took me to lunch at the Russian Tea Room, and I had that chicken, where y'know you poke it and all the butter squirts out...
Phoebe Buffay: Not a good day for birds...
Rachel Green: Then we took a walk down to Bendall's, and I told him not to, but he got me a little bottle of Chanel...
Ross Geller: That's nice... now, was that before or after you told him to stop calling, stop sending you flowers and to generally leave you alone, hmm?
Rachel Green: Right,.. well,.. we never actually got to that... Oh, it was just so nice to see him again, y'know? It was comfortable, it was familiar... it was just nice!
Ross Geller: That's, that's nice twice!
Monica Geller: Rachel, what's going on? I mean isn't this the same Barry who you left at the altar?
Joey Tribbiani: Duh, where've you been?
Rachel Green: Yeah, but it was different with him today! And he wasn't, like, Orthodontist Guy, y'know? I mean, we had fun! Is there anything wrong with that?
Chandler Bing: Yes!
Rachel Green: Why?
Chandler Bing: I have my reasons.
Monica Geller: Okay, how about the fact that he's engaged to another woman, who just happens to be your ex-best friend?
Rachel Green: All right. All right, all right, all right, all right, I know it's stupid! I will go see him this afternoon, and I will just put an end to it!
Rachel Green: Wow... Wow!
Barry Farber: Yeah.
Rachel Green: I'm not crazy, right? I mean, it was never like that.
Barry Farber: Nooo, it wasn't.
Rachel Green: Ooh, and it's so nice having this little sink here...
Chandler Bing: Oh, Danielle! I wasn't expecting the machine... Give me a call when you get a chance. Bye-bye. Oh God!
Monica Geller: That's what you've been working on for the past two hours?!
Chandler Bing: Hey, I've been honing!
Ross Geller: What was with the dishes?
Chandler Bing: Oh, uh.. I want her to think I might be in a restaurant.. y'know? I might have some kind of life, like I haven't been sitting around here honing for the past few hours.
Monica Geller: Look look! He's doing it again, the guy with the telescope!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Go away! Stop looking in here!
Monica Geller: Great, now he's waving back.
Joey Tribbiani: Man, we gotta do something about that guy. This morning, I caught him looking into our apartment. It creeps me out! I feel like I can't do stuff!
Monica Geller: What kinda stuff?
Joey Tribbiani: Will you grow up? I'm not talking about sexy stuff, but, like, when I'm cooking naked.
Phoebe Buffay: You cook naked?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, toast, oatmeal... nothing that spatters.
Chandler Bing: What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that.
Barry Farber: What's the matter?
Rachel Green: Oh, it's just... Oh, Barry, this was not good.
Barry Farber: No, it was. It was very very good.
Rachel Green: Well, what about Mindy?
Barry Farber: Oh, way, way better than Mindy.
Rachel Green: No, not that, I mean, what about you and Mindy?
Barry Farber: Well, if you want, I'll justI'll just break it off with her.
Rachel Green: No. No-no-no-no, no. I mean, don't do that. Not, I mean not for me.
Bernice: Dr. Farber, Bobby Rush is here for his adjustment.
Barry Farber: Thanks, Bernice. Let's go away this weekend.
Rachel Green: Oh, Barry..! Come on, this is all way too..
Barry Farber: We can, we can go to Aruba! When I went there on what would have been our honeymoon, it was, uh... it was really nice. You would've liked it.
Rachel Green: I had a bra.
Bobby Rush: Hey, Dr. Farber.
Barry Farber: All right Miss Green, everything looks fine... Yep, I think we're starting to see some real progress here.
Rachel Green: What?!
Bobby Rush: I'm twelve, I'm not stupid.
Chandler Bing: Can I use your phone?
Monica Geller: Yeah.. uh, but for future reference, that thing in your hand can also be used as a phone.
Chandler Bing: Yes, it's working! Why isn't she calling me back?
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe she never got your message.
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, if you want, you can call her machine, and if she has a lot of beeps, that means she probably didn't get her messages yet.
Chandler Bing: Y'don't think that makes me seem a little...
Ross Geller: ...desperate, needy, pathetic?
Chandler Bing: Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad.
Phoebe Buffay: How many beeps?
Chandler Bing: She answered.
Monica Geller: Y'see, this is where you'd use that 'hello' word we talked about.
Chandler Bing: I'm not gonna talk to her, she obviously got my message and is choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy.
Everyone: Hey! Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: How'd he take it?
Rachel Green: Pretty well, actually...
Monica Geller: Uh, Rach... how come you have dental floss in your hair?
Rachel Green: Oh, do I?
Monica Geller: Uh huh.
Rachel Green: We ended up having sex in his chair.
Monica Geller: You had sex in his chair?!... I said that a little too loudly, didn't I?
Ross Geller: You-you had what?
Phoebe Buffay: Sex in his chair.
Ross Geller: What, uh... what were you thinking?
Rachel Green: I don't know! I mean, we still care about each other. There's a history there. 'S'like you and Carol.
Ross Geller: No! No no, it is nothing like me and Carol!
Rachel Green: Please. If she said to you, "Ross, I want you on this couch, right here, right now," what would you say?
Chandler Bing: If it helps, I could slide over.
Ross Geller: It's, it's, it's, uh, a totally diferent situation! It's, it's apples and oranges, it's, it's orthodontists and lesbi- I gotta go.
Phoebe Buffay: Where are you going?
Ross Geller: I just have to go, all right? Do I need a reason? Huh? I mean I have things to do with my life, I have a jam packed schedule, and I am late- for keeping up with it. Okay?
Chandler Bing: Hello? Hello?
Rachel Green: Hello? Mindy! Hi! Hey, how are you? Yes, yes, I've heard, congratulations, that is so great. Really? Oh. Okay. Okay, well I'm working tomorrow, but if you want you can, you can, you can come by and... Okay... Great... Great... All right, so I'll, so I'll see you tomorrow! Okay.. Okay... Bye. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
Chandler Bing: So how's Mindy?
Rachel Green: Oh, she wants to see me tomorrow...Oh, she sounded really weird, I gotta call Barry... Hi, it's me, I just.. Mindy!! Mindy! Hi! No, I figured that's where you'd be!
Monica Geller: Brrrrrrr!
Chandler Bing: Hell is filled with people like you.
Joey Tribbiani: He's back! The peeper's back!
Joey Tribbiani: Get down!
Rachel Green: Get down?
Chandler Bing: ...And boogie!
Rachel Green: Thanks, but I gotta go to work and get my eyes scratched out by Mindy.
Monica Geller: Relax. Y'know, she may not even know.
Rachel Green: Please. I haven't heard from her in seven months, and now she calls me? I mean, what else is it about? Oh! She was my best friend, you guys! We went to camp together... she taught me how to kiss..
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah?
Rachel Green: And now, y'know, I'm like... I'm like the other woman! I feel so..
Joey Tribbiani: ..Naughty!
Rachel Green: Right, I'll see you guys later...
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hold up, I'll walk out with you. Now, Rach, when she taught you to kiss, you were at camp, and.. were you wearing any kinda little uniform, or- That's fine, yeah...
Chandler Bing: Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Will you watch my phone?
Monica Geller: Why don't you just take it with you?
Chandler Bing: Hey, we haven't been on a second date, she needs to hear me pee?
Monica Geller: Why don't you just call her?
Chandler Bing: I can't call her, I left a message! I have some pride.
Monica Geller: Do you?
Chandler Bing: No! Danielle, hi! It's, uh, it's Chandler! I'm fine. Uh, listen, I don't know if you tried to call me, because, uh, idiot that I am, I accidentally shut off my phone. Oh, uh, okay, that's fine, that's great. Okay. She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back. She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back...
Monica Geller: Don't you have to pee?
Chandler Bing: 'S'why I'm dancing...
Rachel Green: Mindy.
Mindy Hunter: Hey, you.
Rachel Green: Hey, you... So, what's up?
Mindy Hunter: Um.. we should really be sitting for this.
Rachel Green: Sure we should... So.
Mindy Hunter: Now, I know things've been weird lately, but you're like my oldest friend in the world... Except for maybe Laurie Schaffer, who I don't talk to anywhere, 'cause she's all bitter now that she lost the weight and it turns out she doesn't have a pretty face. ...Okay, I'm just gonna ask you this once, and I want a straight answer.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Mindy Hunter: Will you be my maid of honour?
Rachel Green: Of course!
Mindy Hunter: Oh that's so great!
Rachel Green: Was that all you wanted to ask me?
Mindy Hunter: That's all!
Rachel Green: Ohhhh!! ...What? What?
Mindy Hunter: That's not all.
Rachel Green: Oh sure it is!
Mindy Hunter: Oh no, it isn't! No! I think Barry is seeing someone in the city.
Rachel Green: Um, what- what would make you think that?
Mindy Hunter: Well, ever since we announced the engagement, he's been acting really weird, and then last night, he came home smelling like Chanel.
Rachel Green: Really. Mindy, if it'll make you feel any better, when I was engaged to him he went through a whole weird thing too.
Mindy Hunter: Oh God! You see, that's what I was afraid of!
Rachel Green: What? What's what you were afraid of?
Mindy Hunter: Okay, okay... when Barry was engaged to you, he and I...kind of... had a little thing on the side.
Rachel Green: What?
Mindy Hunter: I know. I know, and when he proposed to me, everyone said "Don't do it, he's just gonna do to you what he did to Rachel," and now I feel so stupid.
Rachel Green: Uh... Oh, Mindy, you are so stupid. Oh, we are both so stupid.
Mindy Hunter: What do you mean?
Rachel Green: Smell familiar?
Mindy Hunter: Oh no.
Rachel Green: Oh, I am so sorry.
Mindy Hunter: No me, I am so sorry...
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my.
Ross Geller: Four letters: "Circle or hoop".
Chandler Bing: Ring dammit, ring!
Ross Geller: Thanks.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you know our phone's not working?
Chandler Bing: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: I tried to call you from the coffee shop, and there was no answer.
Chandler Bing: I turned it off. Mother of God, I turned it off!
Monica Geller: Just like you told her you did! ... Just pointing out the irony.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, so listen, I went across the street and talked to the doorman- I got the peeper's name! Can I use the phone?
Chandler Bing: Nngghhh!!!!!!!
Joey Tribbiani: Can I use your phone? Yeah, the number for a Sidney Marks, please.
Ross Geller: "Heating device."
Phoebe Buffay: Radiator.
Ross Geller: Five letters.
Phoebe Buffay: Rdtor.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, is Sidney there? Oh, this is? Sidney's a woman.
Monica Geller: So she's a woman! So what?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Yeah, so what? Look, I live across the street, and I know all about you and your little telescope, and I don't appreciate it, okay? Yeah, I can see you right now! Hello! If I wanna walk around my apartment in my underwear, I shouldn't have to feel like Thank you, but... that's not really the point... The point is that... Mostly free weights, but occasionally..
Monica Geller: Joey!!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, my neighbor... Yeah, the brunette... She says you looked very pretty the other day in the green dress.
Monica Geller: The green dress? Really?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, she said you looked like Ingrid Bergman that day.
Monica Geller: Nooo!
Rachel Green: Hey. Got a second?
Barry Farber: Sure, sure. Come on... ...in...
Mindy Hunter: Hello, sweetheart.
Barry Farber: Uh... uh... what're'you... what're'you guys doing here?
Rachel Green: Uh, we are here to break up with you.
Barry Farber: Both of you?
Mindy Hunter: Basically, we think you're a horrible human being, and bad things should happen to you.
Barry Farber: I'm sorry... I'm sorry, God, I am so sorry, I'm an idiot, I was weak, I couldn't help myself! Whatever I did, I only did because I love you so much!
Rachel Green: Uh- which one of us are you talking to there, Barr?
Barry Farber: ...Mindy. Mindy, of course Mindy, it was always Mindy.
Rachel Green: Even when we were having sex in that chair?
Barry Farber: I swear, whatever I was doing, I was always thinking of you.
Rachel Green: Please! During that second time you couldn't have picked her out of a lineup!
Mindy Hunter: You did it twice?
Rachel Green: Well, the first time didn't really count... I mean, y'know, 's'Barry.
Mindy Hunter: Okay...
Barry Farber: Sweetheart, just gimme- gimme another chance, okay, we'll start all over again. We'll go back to Aruba.
Bernice: Dr. Farber, we've got a bit of an emergency here...Jason Costalano is choking on his retainer.
Barry Farber: Oh God... I'll be right there, Bernice. Look, please, please don't go anywhere, okay? I'll be, I'll be right back.
Rachel Green: Okay. Okay, we'll be here! Hating you! Did you see how he was sweating when he walked out of there? Listen honey, if I'm hogging the ball too much you just jump right in there and take a couple punches because I'm telling you, this feels great.
Mindy Hunter: Yeah... I'm pretty sure I'm still gonna marry him.
Rachel Green: What are you talking about?! Mindy, the guy is the devil! He's Satan in a smock!
Mindy Hunter: Look, I know he's not perfect, but the truth is, at the end of the day, I still really wanna be Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber, D.D.S.
Rachel Green: Oh God.
Mindy Hunter: I hope you can find some way to be happy for me. And I hope you'll still be my maid of honor...?
Rachel Green: And I hope Barry doesn't kill you and eat you in Aruba.
Monica Geller: You okay?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Monica Geller: Really?
Rachel Green: Yeah! Y'know, ever since I ran out on Barry at the wedding, I have wondered whether I made the right choice. And now I know.
Monica Geller: Aww...
Joey Tribbiani: Big day.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, I'll give you this, Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat...
Phoebe Buffay: You know he's gay?
Ross Geller: I just wanna clarify this: are you outing Mr. Peanut?
Danielle: Chandler?
Chandler Bing: Danielle! Hi! Uh- everybody, this is Danielle, Danielle, everybody.
Everyone: Hi. Hi.
Chandler Bing: What are you doing here?
Danielle: Well, I've been calling you, but it turns out I had your number wrong. And when I finally got the right one from Information, there was no answer. So I thought I'd just come down here, and make sure you were okay.
Chandler Bing: ...I'm, I'm okay.
Danielle: Listen uh, maybe we could get together later?
Chandler Bing: That sounds good. I'll call you- or you call me, whatever...
Danielle: You got it.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Danielle: G'bye, everybody.
Everyone: Bye.
Phoebe Buffay: Whoo-hoo!
Monica Geller: Yeah, there you go!
Ross Geller: Second date!
Chandler Bing: ...I dunno.
Rachel Green: You don't know?!
Chandler Bing: Well, she seems very nice and everything, but that whole thing about her coming all the way down here, just to see if I was okay? I mean,... how needy is that?


Joey Tribbiani: How could someone get a hold of your credit card number?
Monica Geller: I have no idea. But look how much they spent!
Rachel Green: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.
Monica Geller: I know. It's just such reckless spending.
Ross Geller: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.
Chandler Bing: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.
Monica Geller: That's me.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he's doing it again!
Ross Geller: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back- come here, Marcel-
Rachel Green: Oh no, not in my room! I'll get him.
Monica Geller: Ross, you've got to do something about the humping.
Ross Geller: What? It's, it's just a phase.
Chandler Bing: Well, that's what we said about Joey...
Ross Geller: Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal.
Rachel Green: Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey!
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.
Rachel Green: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing.
Monica Geller: This woman's living my life.
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller: She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me! Look at this, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes from stores that I'm intimidated by the sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies.
Rachel Green: You're not an artist.
Monica Geller: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don't.
Rachel Green: Oh, Monica, c'mon, you do cool things.
Monica Geller: Oh really? Okay, let's compare, shall we.
Rachel Green: Oh, it's so late for 'Shall we'...
Monica Geller: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the New School?
Rachel Green: Nooo...
Monica Geller: This is so unfair! She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my mother.
Chandler Bing: How about Joey... Pepponi?
Joey Tribbiani: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.
Chandler Bing: Joey... Switzerland?
Joey Tribbiani: Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joey makes me sound like I'm, I dunno, this big. Which I'm not.
Chandler Bing: Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin?
Joey Tribbiani: Stalin...Stalin...do I know that name? It sounds familiar.
Chandler Bing: Well, it does not ring a bell with me...
Joey Tribbiani: Joe Stalin. Y'know, that's pretty good.
Chandler Bing: Might wanna try Joseph.
Joey Tribbiani: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that!
Chandler Bing: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.
Rachel Green: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hi. Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I'm taking some classes with you and I was wondering what they were.
Phoebe Buffay: What are you doing?
Monica Geller: Alright, great. Thanks a lot. I'm going to tap class.
Rachel Green: What, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole your credit card?
Monica Geller: This woman's got my life, I should get to see who she is.
Rachel Green: Go to the post office! I'm sure her picture's up! ...Okay, Monica, y'know what, honey, you're kinda losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing.
Phoebe Buffay: This is madness. It's madness, I tell you, for the love of God, Monica, don't do it!! ...Thank you.
Monica Geller: What d'you think?
Phoebe Buffay: Lotsa things.
Rachel Green: Which one do you think she is?
Teacher: May I help you?
Monica Geller: Oh, no thanks, we're just here to observe.
Teacher: You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class. Spare shoes are over there.
Rachel Green: What does she mean?
Phoebe Buffay: I think she means 'You dance a dance class'. Oh, c'mon, c'mon.
Monica Geller: Okay, d'y'see anybody you think could be me?
Teacher: People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt containers lying around after class. Let's not have that happen again!
Rachel Green: She could be you.
Teacher: Let's get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight...
Monica Geller: Okay, I'm not getting this!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm totally getting it!
Monica Geller: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably uncoordinated?
Rachel Green: What? You just click when they click.
Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a partner.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I'm with Rachel.
Monica Geller: Great. It's gym class all over again.
Teacher: Well that's all right, you can come up to the front and dance with me.
Monica Geller: Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare.
Woman: It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, I'm here. Sorry I'm late, okay, here I am. Who's the new tense girl?
Teacher: She's your partner.
Woman: Hi. I'm Monica.
Monica Geller: Oh. Monica! ...Hi. I'm Mo- ...nana.
Woman: Monana?
Monica Geller: Yeah. It's Dutch.
Fake Monica: You're kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam.
Monica Geller: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch.
Teacher: And we're dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight...
Ross Geller: Hi.
Joey Tribbiani: Where've you been?
Ross Geller: At the vet.
Chandler Bing: She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?
Ross Geller: She says Marcel's humping thing's not a phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! He beat ya.
Ross Geller: She says as time goes on, he's gonna start getting agressive and violent.
Chandler Bing: So what does this mean?
Ross Geller: I'm gonna have to give him up.
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe it, Ross. This sucks!
Chandler Bing: I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already?
Ross Geller: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he's this little thing, and before you know it, he's this little thing I can't get off my leg.
Joey Tribbiani: Isn't there any way you can keep him?
Ross Geller: No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place where he has regular access to some... monkey lovin,' he's just gonna get vicious. I've just gotta get him into a zoo.
Joey Tribbiani: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?
Chandler Bing: I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen.
Ross Geller: Well, we're applying to a lot of them. Naturally our first choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, y'know, like, uh, San Diego... right? But that might just be a pipe dream, because, y'know, he's out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey. We found her, we found the girl.
Chandler Bing: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Did you call the cops?
Rachel Green: Nope. We took her to lunch.
Chandler Bing: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice.
Ross Geller: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She's a stealer.
Monica Geller: Y'know what? After you're with this woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding person, with this, with this amazing spirit.
Ross Geller: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.
Chandler Bing: ...Take off their hats!
Phoebe Buffay: Popes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that joke.
Rachel Green: No way. No way did you do this.
Fake Monica: Monana was very brave.
Monica Geller: It was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor!
Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact that we're, y'know, short and have breasts...
Monica Geller: ...They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me!
Rachel Green: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up.
Fake Monica: Oh, by the way, tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway show.
Monica Geller: 'Scuse me?
Fake Monica: There's an open call for Cats. I'm thinking we go down there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say?
Monica Geller: Nononononono. Think who you're dealing with here. I mean, I'm not like you. I-I can't even stand in front of a tap class.
Fake Monica: Well, that's just probably 'cause of your Amish background.
Monica Geller: What?
Fake Monica: Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, right?
Monica Geller: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned.
Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets' Society?
Monica Geller: Uh-huh.
Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can't be in the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back.' And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.
Monica Geller: Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire.
Ross Geller: Oh God. We didn't get into Scranton. That was like our safety zoo. They take like dogs and cows. See? I don't know who this is harder on, me or him.
Phoebe Buffay: I'd say that chair's taking the brunt.
Ross Geller: Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can nobody want him?
Rachel Green: Oh, somebody will.
Joey Tribbiani: You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?
Chandler Bing: You're kidding.
Joey Tribbiani: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've known that!
Chandler Bing: Y'know, you'd think I would've.
Joey Tribbiani: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be?
Phoebe Buffay: ...Flame Boy.
Ross Geller: Where exactly is your zoo?
Dr. Baldhara: Well, it's technically not a zoo per se, it's more of an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel?
Ross Geller: Yes.
Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals?
Ross Geller: No-no, he's, he's very docile.
Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were... cornered?
Ross Geller: Well I, I don't know. Why?
Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects?
Ross Geller: He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha mean...
Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade?
Ross Geller: Why- why- why would he need a blade?
Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you've got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it's just cruel.
Joey Tribbiani: We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing...
Chandler Bing: ...He's in.
Ross Geller: He's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego!
Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego's all well and good, but if you give him to me, I'll start him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gains.
Monica Geller: Yo- hooo!
Rachel Green: Where the hell've you been?
Monica Geller: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party.
Rachel Green: Are you drunk?!
Monica Geller: Noooo! I'm lying. I am so drunk.
Rachel Green: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know what, you could've called, I have been up here, I've been worried...
Rachel Green: Monica? Monica!
Monica Geller: Water rules!
Rachel Green: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work?
Monica Geller: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today.
Rachel Green: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna lose your job! This is not you!
Monica Geller: No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y'know, when I'm with her, I am so much more than that. I'm- I'm Monana!
Rachel Green: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it's for you, the credit card people.
Monica Geller: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks.
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller: They've arrested Monica.
Monica Geller: Hi.
Fake Monica: Hey.
Monica Geller: How are you?
Fake Monica: I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my colour. How-how did you know I was here?
Monica Geller: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using.
Fake Monica: That I was not expecting.
Monica Geller: I want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you in.
Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks.
Monica Geller: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it wasn't for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the Wintergarden Theater!
Fake Monica: Well, actually, you only got to sing 'Memo-'.
Monica Geller: I just can't believe you're in here. I mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who's gonna crash the embassy parties with me? Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?
Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you're worried about who's gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus?
Monica Geller: Well, not... worried, just... wondering.
Fake Monica: There's nothing to wonder about, Monica. You're gonna go back to being exactly who you were, because that's who you are.
Monica Geller: Not necessarily...
Fake Monica: Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what it is, maybe it's the Amish thing.
Monica Geller: Um, I'm not actually Amish.
Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like that?
Teacher: You by the door. In or out?
Monica Geller: In.
Teacher: You in the back, you're getting it all wrong!
Monica Geller: Yeah, but at least I'm doing it!
Announcement: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, boarding at gate 42A.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Good-bye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don't eat it 'till you get on the plane.
Ross Geller: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh!
Chandler Bing: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to learn.
Joey Tribbiani: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey.
Ross Geller: Just, just say what you feel.
Joey Tribbiani: Marcel, I'm hungry.
Ross Geller: That was good.
Rachel Green: Marcel, this is for you. It's, uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the plane.
Ross Geller: Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take a moment, just me and him.
Everyone: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely.
Ross Geller: Marcel, c'mere, c'mere. Well buddy, this is it. There's just a coupla things I want to say. I'm really gonna miss you, and I'm never gonna forget about you. You've been more than just a pet to me, you've been more like a be- Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg alone? Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take him away. Just take him.
Actor: Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might... touch thy cheek...
Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you.
Casting Director No. 2: Next.
Joey Tribbiani: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.
Casting Director No. 2: Name?
Joey Tribbiani: Holden McGroin.


Monica Geller: Tell him.
Rachel Green: No.
Phoebe Buffay: Tell him, tell him.
Monica Geller: Just...please tell him.
Rachel Green: Shut up!
Chandler Bing: Tell me what?
Monica Geller: Look at you, you won't even look at him.
Chandler Bing: Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why women won't look at me.
Rachel Green: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you and I, were...
Phoebe Buffay: Doing it on this table.
Chandler Bing: Wow!
Joey Tribbiani: Exellent dream score.
Ross Geller: Why, why, why would you dream that?
Chandler Bing: More importantly, was I any good?
Rachel Green: Well, you were pretty damn good.
Chandler Bing: Interesting, cause in my dreams, I'm allways surprisingly inadequate.
Rachel Green: Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table.
Ross Geller: I love it, when we share.
Chandler Bing: You're okay there?
Ross Geller: I can't belive you two had sex in her dream.
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and i was somebody else's subconscious.
Chandler Bing: Hello Rachel.
Rachel Green: Get off.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill press?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. What are you wearing?
Ross Geller: Pheebs, why would you want to operate a drill press?
Phoebe Buffay: Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I get back some of my massage clients.
Chandler Bing: Pirates again?
Phoebe Buffay: No, nothing like that. I was just...such a dummie. I taught this "massage-yourself-at-home-workshop." And they are.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you.
Chandler Bing: Thanks Joey, that's a good idea.
Phoebe Buffay: What... I could, I could do it. What is it?
Chandler Bing: Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs redused. It's a whole big boob story.
Phoebe Buffay: I could be a secretary.
Chandler Bing: Well, you know Phoebs. I don't know if it's your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day.
Phoebe Buffay: I could do that.
Rachel Green: What are you playing with?
Ross Geller: Oh, it's my new beeper.
Joey Tribbiani: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?
Monica Geller: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. 'Help, come quick, they're still extinct.'
Ross Geller: No, it's for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-JIMBO.
Chandler Bing: A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid.
Monica Geller: All right, I'll see you guys later.
Rachel Green: Off to see young Ethan?
Monica Geller: Thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: How young is young Ethan? Young?
Monica Geller: He's... our age.
Chandler Bing: When we were?
Monica Geller: Okay, he's a senior in college.
Ross Geller: College?
Chandler Bing: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Monica Geller: No, of course not. It's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.
Everyone: What?
Monica Geller: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, maybe 25-26.
Monica Geller: I am 26.
Phoebe Buffay: There you go.
Chandler Bing: Can you hear that?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah?
Chandler Bing: See that'll stop when you pick up the phone.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Uh, I'm on.
Phoebe Buffay: Mr. Bing's office. No I'm sorry, he's in a meeting right now.
Chandler Bing: I'm not in a meeting. I'm right... Whoops.
Phoebe Buffay: Will he know what this is in reference to? And he has your number? All right, I'll see that he gets the message. Bye bye.
Chandler Bing: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Ross says hi.
Chandler Bing: Ah!
Phoebe Buffay: This is so fun. All right, what do we do now?
Chandler Bing: Well, now, I actually have to get to work.
Phoebe Buffay: Most likely. Okay, I'm gonna be out there.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: All right. Bye bye.
Chandler Bing: Bye bye.
Chandler Bing: Yes?
Phoebe Buffay: Whatcha doin'?
Chandler Bing: Ooh.
Monica Geller: Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh, belt's to tight, gotta change the belt. Did I turn the fish? No, cause I made lasagne. Am I out of control?
Rachel Green: Just a touch. Mon, I don't understand. I mean, you've been dating this guy since like, what... his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so... Oh.
Monica Geller: What?
Rachel Green: Could tonight be the Night?
Monica Geller: I don't know. Look he's a great guy and I love being with him but... you know. Things happen, and they happen. You don't plan these things.
Rachel Green: So, did you shave your legs?
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: A-ha!
Joey Tribbiani: Would you let it go Ross. It was just a dream. It doesn't mean...
Ross Geller: Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god it's baby time. Baby time.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Be cool, be cool.
Ross Geller: Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. No, Andr is not here. Third time today. Yes, I'm sure... No, sir. I don't perform those kind of services.
Joey Tribbiani: Services? Oh, services.
Ross Geller: Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, that's right. That's right, JUMBO with a U, sir. No, belive me, you don't want me. Judging by his number, I'd be a huge disappointment. All rightie, bye bye.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey. How was the first day?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, exellent. Everyone was so, so nice.
Chandler Bing: See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. Me.
Phoebe Buffay: No, I didn't tell anybody that I knew you.
Chandler Bing: Why not?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, because, you know... they don't like you.
Chandler Bing: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: I thought you knew that.
Chandler Bing: Noho. Who doesn't they like me?
Phoebe Buffay: Everyone. Except for uh... no everyone.
Chandler Bing: What are you talking about?
Phoebe Buffay: Don't feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you're like "Mr. Boss Man". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss Man Bing".
Chandler Bing: I can't belive it.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, yeah. They even do you.
Chandler Bing: They do me?
Phoebe Buffay: You know like... uh okay... uh... 'Could that report be any later?'
Chandler Bing: I don't sound like that.
Ross Geller: Oh, oh Chandler...
Joey Tribbiani: Oh... Yeah, you do.
Ross Geller: 'The hills were alive with the sound of music.'
Joey Tribbiani: My scones.
Chandler Bing: Okay, I don't sound like that. That is so not true.
Chandler Bing: That is so not... That is so not... That... Oh, shut up!
Monica Geller: Did not.
Ethan: I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place where crimes happen.
Monica Geller: How was that possible?
Ethan: Well, think about it. It's always on the news. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.' And I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there? Oh, ah. I should go.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Ethan: Okay.
Monica Geller: Unless...
Ethan: What?
Monica Geller: Uh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I mean, I'm going to, so...
Ethan: Yeah, I'd really like that.
Ethan: Uuh, before we get into any staying-over-stuff, there is something you should know.
Monica Geller: Okay, is this like 'I have an early class tomorrow' or 'I'm secretly married to a goat?'
Ethan: Well it's somewhere in between. You see, in a strictly technical sense, of course, I'm not uh..., well I, I mean I haven't ever uh...
Monica Geller: Ethan?
Ethan: Yeah?
Monica Geller: Are you a virgin?
Ethan: Well, if that's what you kids are calling it these days then, yes I am. I uh, I've kinda been waiting for the right person.
Monica Geller: Really?
Ethan: Yeah. You do know I was talking about you, right?
Ethan: Wow!
Monica Geller: You keep saying that.
Ethan: You know, you read about it, you see it in the movies. Even when you practice it at home, man oh man, it is nothing like that.
Monica Geller: Listen, uh, you told me something that was really difficult for you. And I, I-I figured if you could be honest, then I can to.
Ethan: Oh god, don't tell me, I did it wrong.
Monica Geller: No-no. Nothing wrong about that.
Ethan: Oh.
Monica Geller: Um, okay, here it goes. I'm not 22. I'm, I'm 25... and thirteen months.
Ethan: Huh!
Monica Geller: But I figured, you know, that shouldn't change anything. I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are.
Ethan: Uh, listen um, as long as we're telling stuff, uh, I have another one for you. I'm a little younger than I said.
Monica Geller: You're not a senior?
Ethan: Oh, I'm a senior... in High School.
Monica Geller: Ok...ay.
Monica Geller: What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had sex with somebody that wasn't alive during the Bicentennial.
Ethan: I just had sex.
Monica Geller: Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me?
Ethan: Well, you never told me how old you were.
Monica Geller: Well, that's different. My lie didn't make one of us a felon in 48 states. What were you thinking?
Ethan: I wasn't thinking. I was too busy fallin'...
Monica Geller: Don't say it.
Ethan: ...in love with you.
Monica Geller: Really?
Ethan: Sorry.
Monica Geller: Well,fall out of it. You know, you shouldn't even be here, it's a school night. Oh god, oh god. I'm like those women that you see with shiny guys named Chad. I'm Joan Collins.
Ethan: Who?
Ross Geller: Okay, Andr should be there in like 45 minutes. All rightie, bye bye. Just easier that way.
Chandler Bing: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.
Rachel Green: No, forget it.
Chandler Bing: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?
Rachel Green: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there. Joey was there too.
Joey Tribbiani: All right.
Ross Geller: Was there...uh, huh, huh, huh... andybody, anybody else there.
Rachel Green: No.
Ross Geller: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints or anything?
Rachel Green: No, it was just the three of us.
Ross Geller: Huh!
Joey Tribbiani: So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?
Rachel Green: You know what?
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Rachel Green: There were times when it wasn't even me.
Phoebe Buffay: That is so sweet, you guys.
Rachel Green: Mon, Ethan called again. Mon?
Everyone: Mon!
Monica Geller: What?
Rachel Green: Ethan called again.
Monica Geller: Oh.
Ross Geller: Are you not seeing him anymore?
Monica Geller: No. You know, sometimes just things doesn't work out.
Chandler Bing: And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym.
Rachel Green: I, I didn't say any... I sw... I did not say anything, I swear. He stopped by.
Joey Tribbiani: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest Power Ranger is?
Ross Geller: Oh, yeah.
Monica Geller: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?
Ross Geller: It's morphin time!
Joey Tribbiani: Stegosaurus!
Chandler Bing: Tyrannosaurus!
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, oh, I've gotta go. Whoa, oh, head rush. One more, and then I have to go. Cool!
Rachel Green: Where are you going?
Phoebe Buffay: Um, oh, I've got a birthday party, with some work people.
Chandler Bing: Work people? Nobody told me.
Phoebe Buffay: No, I know. That's a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravaganza.
Chandler Bing: You know, I don't get this. A month ago, these people were my friends. You know, just because I'm in charge doesn't mean I'm a different person.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are.
Chandler Bing: You think I should?
Phoebe Buffay: I really do, yeah.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I don't wanna be the geek that invited the boss.
Chandler Bing: I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ivory.
Phoebe Buffay: You were great. But they still made fun of you.
Chandler Bing: What?
Phoebe Buffay: You know, now you're more like, you know like, "Mr. Caring Boss," "Mr.", you know, "I'm one of you, Boss," "Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing!"
Chandler Bing: Then, I don't get it.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, you know what Chandler? I think you've gotta face it. You're like, the guy in the big office, you know. You're the one that hires them, that fires them... They still say you're a great boss.
Chandler Bing: They do?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh huh. But they're not your friends anymore.
Chandler Bing: I just wan't to...
Phoebe Buffay: No, but you can't.
Chandler Bing: But I just wa...
Phoebe Buffay: Uh uh.
Monica Geller: Aren't you gonna...
Ross Geller: Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in 911, it means she's having a baby, otherwise I just ignore it.
Joey Tribbiani: What about Andre?
Ross Geller: Oh, well this morning he got a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.
Ethan: Hey.
Monica Geller: That was gonna be my opener.
Rachel Green: Hey, did you guys check out those new hand-dryers in the bathroom?
Ross Geller: I thought that was just a rumour.
Rachel Green: True story.
Joey Tribbiani: They're here already?
Ethan: All right, look. I've gotta tell you something. I'm not 17. I only said so that you'd think I was cute and vunerable. I'm actually 30, I have a wife, I have a job, I'm your Congressman. Monica, this is ridiculous, we're great together. We can talk, we make each other laugh, and the sex. Oh, man, okay i have no frame of graft, but I thought that was great.
Monica Geller: It was.
Ethan: Then, what's the problem?
Monica Geller: Ethan, it's um... it's icky.
Ethan: Icky? You're actually gonna throw this away because it's icky?
Monica Geller: This isn't easy for me either. I wish things were different, I... If you were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we lived in biblical times, I would really...
Ethan: No, don't say it.
Monica Geller: ...love you.
Ross Geller: Are you're hands still wet?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, moist, yeah.
Rachel Green: Let's dry 'em again.
Gerston: Uh, like, could these margaritas be any stronger? Hey, Chandler.
Santos: Hello, Mr. Bing.
Petrie: Loved your Stevie Wonder last night.
Chandler Bing: Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I'm gonna need them on my desk by nine o'clock.
Santos: Sure.
Gerston: No problem.
Chandler Bing: You have to give 'em something, you know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and who's the guy with the moustache?
Phoebe Buffay: Petrie.
Chandler Bing: Petrie, right, right. Okay, some people gonna be working this weekend.
Rachel Green: Oooooooooh. Oh, that's nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross!
Rachel Green: Ross?
Ross Geller: I'm here.
Rachel Green: You are. Well, um... We, we, we were just... Wow!
Ross Geller: What? Great, now I'm having a baby.
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: Ooh, Ooh.
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: I'm having... I'm having a baby. I'm having a... Where's the phone? The phone?
Rachel Green: I don't know where the phone is.
Rachel Green: Ross?
Ross Geller: I'm hurt.
Ross Geller: Monica, let's go. Come on now people, woman in labor.
Chandler Bing: Hey Ross, look what I've got going here.
Ross Geller: Yeah, save it for the cab, okay.
Ross Geller: What are you doing? We're going to a hospital.
Rachel Green: What, so I can't lokk nice? There might be doctors there.
Ross Geller: Joey, get out of the fridge.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, all right.
Ross Geller: What is that?
Joey Tribbiani: For the ride.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, like in a cab...
Ross Geller: Save it.
Chandler Bing: Okay, hating this.
Ross Geller: Monica, come on now. Let's go, baby coming.
Monica Geller: I can't belive it, I'm gonna be an aunt. I'm gonna have like a nephew.
Ross Geller: That's nice. Get out Let's go, come on.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, I'm going. I'm going.
Chandler Bing: Here we go, here we go.
Rachel Green: Rossy, Rossy.


Ross Geller: She's not here yet. She's not here. She's having my baby and she's not here.
Monica Geller: I'm sure everything's fine. Has her water broke yet?
Ross Geller: I don't know, but when I spoke to her, she said she had already passed the mucus plug.
Joey Tribbiani: Do we have to know about that?
Monica Geller: Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing out cigars.
Chandler Bing: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's.
Ross Geller: God, I don't believe this. She could be giving birth in the cab.
Rachel Green: Oh, Ross, relax. It's probably like two dollars for the first contraction, and then fifty cents for each additional contraction.
Rachel Green: What, it's ok when Chandler does it?
Chandler Bing: You have to pick your moments.
Phoebe Buffay: Did I miss it, did I miss it?
Ross Geller: She's not even here yet.
Monica Geller: What's with the guitar?
Phoebe Buffay: I just thought we might be here for awhile. You know, things might get musical.
Ross Geller: Where the hell have you been?
Susan Bunch: We stopped at the gift shop.
Carol Willick: I was looking at stuffed animals, and Susan wanted a Chunky.
Ross Geller: Susan wanted a Chunky. We're having a baby, ok, a baby, you don't stop for Chunkys.
Chandler Bing: I used to have that bumper sticker.
Chandler Bing: You see what I mean.
Ross Geller: Stopped for a Chunky.
Carol Willick: Let it go, Ross.
Susan Bunch: I got an extra one. You want this?
Ross Geller: No.
Dr. Franzblau: Hey, how's my favorite parenting team doing?
Ross Geller: Dr. Franzblau, hi.
Dr. Franzblau: So, I understand you're thinking of having a baby? Well, I see you're nine months pregnant. That's a good start. How you doing with your contractions?
Carol Willick: Oh, I love them. Each one's like a little party in my uterus.
Susan Bunch: They're every four minutes and last 55 seconds.
Ross Geller: 59 seconds. Quartz, ha.
Susan Bunch: Swiss quartz, ha, ha.
Carol Willick: Am I allowed to drink anything?
Dr. Franzblau: Ice chips, just ice chips. They're at the nurses' station.
Ross Geller: I'll get it.
Susan Bunch: No, I'm getting it. I'll be right back.
Ross Geller: I got itI'm getting it!
Rachel Green: Hi, I thought you might like some ice chips.
Carol Willick: Thanks.
Rachel Green: And if you need anything else, I do not believe we've met. Hi. I'm, uh, Rachel Green. I'm Carol's... ex-husband's... sister's roommate.
Dr. Franzblau: It is nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau. I'm your roommate's... brother's... ex-wife's obstetrician.
Rachel Green: Oh, that's funny!
Monica Geller: I want a baby.
Chandler Bing: Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow.
Monica Geller: Get up. Come on. Let's get some coffee.
Chandler Bing: Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that.
Joey Tribbiani: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot, or just fall down. That's good too.
Lydia: Knick fan?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah.
Lydia: Oh, boy, do they suck.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, listen, lady... ...whoa.
Lydia: Look, look at your man, Ewing. Nice shot. You know what, he couldn't hit water if he was standing on a boat.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah? And who do you like?
Lydia: The Celtics.
Joey Tribbiani: The Celtics? Ha. They couldn't hit a boat if...wait. They suck, alright?
Lydia: Oh, shut up. You know, it's a rebuilding year. You... waah!
Joey Tribbiani: Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Hey, we need a father over here! We need a father!
Lydia: There is no father.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, oh, oh, sorry.
Lydia: Ok, that's ok. I'm fine. I'm... oh!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, uh, ok. Right this way. All the other pregnant women seem to be goin' in here.
Lydia: Ok.
Phoebe Buffay:
Phoebe Buffay: They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch, and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much. Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why, you cry and you cry and you cry. And you cry and you cry and you cry...
Phoebe Buffay: Thanks, Ross.
Ross Geller: Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.
Monica Geller: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?
Chandler Bing: You'll get one.
Monica Geller: Oh yeah? When?
Chandler Bing: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?
Monica Geller: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler Bing: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.
Monica Geller: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler Bing: No, no, no.
Monica Geller: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?
Chandler Bing: Uh, uh.
Monica Geller: Well?
Chandler Bing: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack!
Rachel Green: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Ooh, look at you, dressy-dress.
Monica Geller: Did you go home and change?
Rachel Green: Yeah, well, it's an important day. I wanna look nice. Um, has uh Dr. Franzblau been by?
Monica Geller: No, I haven't seen him.
Rachel Green: Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here. What if the baby needs him?
Chandler Bing: Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors, anyway? Was, like, your father a doctor?
Rachel Green: Yeah, why?
Chandler Bing: No reason.
Lydia: Mom, we've been through this. No, I'm not calling him. I don't care if it is his kid, the guy's a jerk. No, I'm not alone. Joey's here. What do you mean, Joey who? Joey who?
Joey Tribbiani: Tribbiani.
Lydia: Joey Tribbiani. Yes, ok. Hold on. She wants to talk to you. Take the phone.
Joey Tribbiani: Hi, yeah, it's me. Oh, no no no, we're just friends. Yeah, I'm single. 25. An actor. Hello?
Lydia: She's not much of a phone person.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, so, uh, so, uh, what's the deal with this father guy, I mean, if someone was havin' my baby somewhere, I'd wanna know about it, you know?
Lydia: Hey, Knick fan, am I interested in your views on fatherhood? Uh, no.
Joey Tribbiani: Ok, look, maybe I should just go.
Lydia: Maybe you should.
Joey Tribbiani: Good luck, and uh, take care, huh?
Joey Tribbiani: You know what the Celtics problem is? They let the players run the team.
Lydia: Oh, that is so not true.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, it is.
Lydia: It isn't.
Joey Tribbiani: It is.
Lydia: Isn't!
Ross Geller: Breathe.
Susan Bunch: Breathe.
Ross Geller: Breathe.
Susan Bunch: Breathe.
Ross Geller: Breathe.
Susan Bunch: Breathe.
Carol Willick: You're gonna kill me!
Ross Geller: 15 more seconds, 14, 13, 12...
Carol Willick: Count faster.
Susan Bunch: It's gonna be ok, just remember, we're doing this for Jordie. Just keep focusing on Jordie.
Ross Geller: Who the hell is Jordie?
Susan Bunch: Your son.
Ross Geller: No-no-no. I don't have a son named Jordie. We all agreed, my son's name is Jamie.
Carol Willick: Well, Jamie was the name of Susan's first girlfriend, so we went back to Jordie.
Ross Geller: What? Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean, back to Jordie? We never landed on Jordie. We just passed by it during the whole Jessy, Cody, Dylan fiasco.
Carol Willick: Ow, ow, ow, ow, leg cramp, leg cramp, leg cramp.
Ross Geller: I got it.
Susan Bunch: I got it.
Ross Geller: I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I get the cramps.
Susan Bunch: No, you don't.
Carol Willick: All right, that's it. I want both of you out.
Ross Geller: Why?
Susan Bunch: He started it!
Ross Geller: No, you started it.
Susan Bunch: You did!
Carol Willick: I don't care. I am trying to get a person out of my body here, and you're not making it any easier.
Ross Geller: But...
Carol Willick: Now go!
Ross Geller: Thanks a lot.
Susan Bunch: See what you did.
Ross Geller: Yeah, listen...
Carol Willick: Out!
Nurse Sizemore: Breathe, breathe, breathe...
Lydia: Oh, no.
Joey Tribbiani: Ew! What is that? Something exploded!
Nurse Sizemore: It's just her water breaking. Calm down, will you?
Joey Tribbiani: Water breaking, what do you mean? What's that, water breaking?
Nurse Sizemore: Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Ross Geller: Please. This is so your fault.
Susan Bunch: How, how is this my fault?
Ross Geller: Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along.
Susan Bunch: Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along.
Ross Geller: You tryin' to be clever? A funny lady?
Susan Bunch: You know what your problem is? You're threatened by me.
Ross Geller: Oh, I'm threatened by you?
Susan Bunch: Yes.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, hey, ok, all right, that's it! Get in here. Come on. My god, you guys, I don't believe you. There are children coming into the world in this very building and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. So just stop all the yelling, just stop it!
Ross Geller: Yeah, Susan.
Phoebe Buffay: Don't make me do this again, I don't like my voice like this.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, who wants to hear something ironic?
Everyone: Help!
Ross Geller: I'm having a baby in here! Ok, everyone stand back. Ow.
Carol Willick: Are they here yet?
Rachel Green: No, honey, they're not, but don't worry, because we are going to find them, and until we do, we are all here for you, ok?
Carol Willick: Ok.
Rachel Green: Ok?
Carol Willick: Ok.
Rachel Green: Ok, so anyway, you were telling me about Paris, it sounds fascinating.
Dr. Franzblau: It really was. There was this great little pastry shop right by my hotel. There you go, dear.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push! Push 'em out, push 'em out, harder, harder. Push 'em out, push 'em out, way out! Let's get that ball and really move, hey, hey, ho, ho. Let's I was justyeah, right. Push! Push!
Susan Bunch: What're you gonna do, suck the door open?
Ross Geller: Help! Help!
Phoebe Buffay: They found their bodies the very next day, they found their bodies the very next... la la la la la la.
Monica Geller: Now, Mom, everything's going fine, really. Yeah, Ross is great. He's uh, he's in a whole other place. No, he's gone. No no, you don't have to fly back, really. What do you mean this might be your only chance? Would you stop? I'm only 26, I'm not even thinking about babies yet.
Chandler Bing: Where have you been?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, just had a baby.
Chandler Bing: Mazel tov!
Dr. Franzblau: I don't know, could be an hour, could be three, but relax, she's doing great. So, uh, tell me, are you currently involved with anyone?
Rachel Green: No, no, not at the moment, no, I'm not. Are you?
Dr. Franzblau: No, it's hard enough to get women to go out with me.
Rachel Green: Right, yeah, I've heard that about cute doctors.
Dr. Franzblau: No, no, really. I suppose it's because I spend so much time, you know, where I do.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Dr. Franzblau: I try not to let my work affect my personal life, but it's hard, when you... do what I do. It's like uh...Well, for instance, what do you do?
Rachel Green: I'm a waitress.
Dr. Franzblau: Ok, all right, well aren't there times when you come home at the end of the day, and you're just like, 'if I see one more cup of coffee'...
Rachel Green: Yeah. Gotcha.
Dr. Franzblau: I'm gonna go check up on your friend.
Rachel Green: Ok. That's fine.
Lydia: So how did you know I was even here?
Guy: Your mom called me. So is this her?
Lydia: No, this is a loaner.
Guy: I'm sorry you had to do this by yourself.
Lydia: I wasn't by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse, and a helper guy. So, did you see who won the game?
Guy: Yeah, the Knicks by 10. They suck.
Lydia: Yeah, they're not so bad.
Ross Geller: Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit. This is all your fault. This is supposed to be, like, the greatest day of my life, y'know? My son is being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a closet with you.
Susan Bunch: The woman I love is having a baby today. I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.
Ross Geller: No no no, believe me. No one has been waiting for this as much as I have, ok? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go home with the baby, ok? Where does that leave me?
Susan Bunch: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no... Lesbian Lover Day.
Ross Geller: Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.
Phoebe Buffay: This is so great.
Ross Geller: You wanna explain that?
Phoebe Buffay: I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. I'm sorry, you were fighting.
Carol Willick: Where are they?
Monica Geller: I'm sure they'll be here soon.
Rachel Green: Yeah, honey, they wouldn't miss this.
Joey Tribbiani: Relax. You're only at nine centimeters. And the baby's at zero station.
Chandler Bing: You are really frightening me.
Chandler Bing: Somebody wanna help me, tryin' to rip out my heart. Uh, that's great. Anybody seen a nipple?
Dr. Franzblau: All right, ten centimeters, here we go.
Nurse Sizemore: All right, honey, time to start pushing.
Carol Willick: But they're not here yet!
Dr. Franzblau: I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby to wait for them.
Carol Willick: Oh, god.
Ross Geller: Ok, got the vent open.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi, I'm Ben. I'm hospital worker Ben. It's Ben... to the rescue!
Ross Geller: Ben, you ready? All right, gimme your foot. Ok, on three, Ben. One, two, three. Ok, That's it, Ben.
Susan Bunch: What do you see?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is in fact a dark vent.
Ross Geller: Phoebs, It's open! It's open!
Janitor: Wait! You forgot your legs!
Everyone: Push, push!
Ross Geller: We're here!
Carol Willick: Where have you been?
Ross Geller: Long story, honey.
Dr. Franzblau: All right, Carol, I need you to keep pushing. I need Excuse me, could I have this?
Nurse Sizemore: All right, all right, there's a few too many people in this room, and there's about to be one more, so anybody who's not an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go!
Everyone: Good luck!
Chandler Bing: Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol's lesbian life partner?
Nurse Sizemore: Out!
Dr. Franzblau: All right, he's crowning. Here he comes.
Ross Geller: Let me see, I gotta see, I gotta see. Oh, a head. Oh, it's, it's huge. Carol, how are you doing this?
Carol Willick: Not... helping!
Dr. Franzblau: You're doing great, you're doing fine.
Ross Geller: Hello! Oh, sorry.
Susan Bunch: What do you see? What do you see?
Ross Geller: We got a head, we got shoulders, we got arms, we got, oh, look at the little fingers, oh, and a chest, and a stomach. It's a boy, definitely a boy! All right! Ok, legs, knees, and feet. Oh, oh. He's here. He's a person.
Susan Bunch: Oh, look at that.
Carol Willick: What does he look like?
Ross Geller: Kinda like my uncle Ed, covered in Jell-o.
Carol Willick: Really?
Phoebe Buffay: You guys, he's beautiful!
Ross Geller: Oh, thanks, Pheebs!
Susan Bunch: No shouting, but we still need a name for this little guy.
Ross Geller: How 'bout Ben?
Susan Bunch: I like Ben.
Carol Willick: Ben. Ben. Ben's good. How come you never mentioned Ben before?
Ross Geller: We uh, we just cooked it up.
Susan Bunch: That's what we were off doing.
Monica Geller: Hi.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Monica Geller: Can we come in?
Ross Geller: I know, I know. Everybody, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody.
Phoebe Buffay: Susan, he looks just like you.
Susan Bunch: Thanks.
Rachel Green: Oh, god, I can't believe one of us actually has one of these.
Chandler Bing: I know, I still am one of these.
Monica Geller: Ross, can I?
Ross Geller: The head, the head. You gotta...
Monica Geller: Hi, Ben. Hi. I'm your Aunt Monica. Yes I am. I'm your Aunt Monica. I...I will always have gum.
Ross Geller: Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times when I may not be around, like this. But I'll still always come back, like this. And sometimes I may be away longer, like this. But I'll still always come back, like this.
Chandler Bing: And sometimes, I'll want you to steal third, and I'll go like this.
Monica Geller: He is so amazing.
Rachel Green: Oh, I know. Look at him.
Joey Tribbiani: Ben, Ben, hey Ben. Nothing. I don't think that's his name.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, look, look, he's closing his eyes. Look, he's opening his eyes.
Joey Tribbiani: He doesn't do much, does he?
Ross Geller: No, this is pretty much it.
Rachel Green: You guys wanna get some coffee?
Everyone: Yeah.
Ross Geller: All right, I'll see you guys later.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, look, he's closing his eyes again.