Rachel Green: Hi!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: So what's the final head count on my baby shower?
Phoebe Buffay: About twenty, a couple people from work who had something else to do.
Monica Geller: Also both of your sisters called and neither can make it.
Rachel Green: What?! You mean they're not coming to a social event where there's no men and there's no booze?! That's shocking! I don't care, as long as my mom's here.
Monica Geller: Oh my God, your mother!
Rachel Green: What?! My mom's not gonna be here?!
Monica Geller: Well, given that we forgot to invite her it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was.
Rachel Green: My God!
Monica Geller: Well it wasn't my fault, Phoebe was in charge of the invitations!
Phoebe Buffay: Well I don't, I don't have a mother so often I forget that other people...
Monica Geller: Oh give it a rest!
Rachel Green: So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?!
Phoebe Buffay: No. Neither is mine.
Monica Geller: Okay, y'know what? Don't worry, okay? We'll take care of it. We'll call her. Just go home and get ready.
Rachel Green: Please, make sure she comes. It's really important to me, I mean it's my mom!
Phoebe Buffay: I know. I know, what's her number?
Rachel Green: I don't know.
Monica Geller: Go! I have it in my book. Go! Wait a minute! If you're in charge of the invitations why am I the one who has to call her-Hello Mrs. Green! Hi, it's Monica Geller.
Sandra Green: Oh, hello Monica.
Monica Geller: Hi, umm I know this is last minute, but we've decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.
Sandra Green: I know, my daughter's told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago.
Monica Geller: Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm-I'm so sorry.
Sandra Green: For what dear? For not inviting me or lying about it?
Monica Geller: Oh my God, my ass is sweating! Please! Please! Can you come? It's today at four.
Sandra Green: Well all right. I'll see you at four.
Monica Geller: Thank you.
Phoebe Buffay: Isn't it at three?
Monica Geller: Son of a bitch!
Chandler Bing: Hey Joe! You wanna shoot some hoops?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh no, I can't go. I'm practicing; I got an audition to be the host of a new game show.
Ross Geller: Oh cool!
Chandler Bing: That's great.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-yeah, and if I get it by day I'll Dr. Drake Remoray, but by night I'll be Joey Trrrribbiani!
Chandler Bing: You'll be perfect for this! That's already your name!
Joey Tribbiani: But the audition's in a couple hours and I don't even understand the game.
Ross Geller: Well do you want some help?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh really? That'd be great! You guys can be the contestants!
Ross Geller: Awesome!
Chandler Bing: Okay, I guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time.
Joey Tribbiani: All right! Let's play Bamboozled!
Chandler Bing: Bamboozled?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, isn't that a cool name?
Ross Geller: Yeah!
Chandler Bing: No!
Joey Tribbiani: All right. Uhh, okay. Our first contestant is Ross Geller. Why don't you tell us a little something about you Ross?
Ross Geller: Well uh, I-I'm a paleontologist. Umm, I-I live in New York. I have a son Ben. Uh, hi Ben! And uh...
Joey Tribbiani: I said a little bit Ross. Now, how about you Chandler?
Chandler Bing: Well Joey, I'm a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi Rasputin!
Joey Tribbiani: Excellent! Let's play Bamboozled! Chandler, you'll go first. What is the capital of Columbia?
Chandler Bing: Bogota.
Joey Tribbiani: It's Ba-go-ta, but close enough. Now, you can either pass your turn to Ross or pick a Wicked Wango card.
Chandler Bing: What does a Wicked Wango card do?
Joey Tribbiani: I should know that. Let's see, just one moment please. Umm, here we are, a Wicked Wango card determines whether you go higher or lower.
Chandler Bing: Higher or lower than what?
Joey Tribbiani: This is embarrassing.
Chandler Bing: Can you believe how lame this is?
Ross Geller: I'm sorry, I don't believe contestants are allowed to talk to each other.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I told the stripper to be here at five. That's good right?
Monica Geller: You ordered a stripper for the shower?! That is totally inappropriate!
Phoebe Buffay: What? He's gonna be dressed as a baby! Oh hi Mrs. Green!
Monica Geller: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm so glad you could make it.
Monica Geller: Yes, thank you so much. And again, we're so sorry. We could not feel worse about it.
Sandra Green: Try. There's my little girl.
Monica Geller: She's still mad.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah I know. Isn't it great? One less person we have to make small talk with.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, Sandra's mad at you too. It-it doesn't bother you?
Phoebe Buffay: No look, we've apologized twice! I can't do anymore than that. I know you hate it when people are mad at you but you just have to be okay with it.
Monica Geller: Okay. I can do that. I gotta go powder my ass.
Sandra Green: Look at that face! Just like when you were in high school! If I didn't know better I'd say you were a cheerleader in trouble. Come on, let's get some tea.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Sandra Green: Oh my look at that. Only three weeks to go, now have you picked your nanny yet? Now I don't want you to use your housekeeper 'cause it would just split her focus.
Rachel Green: Oh well actually gonna use a nanny and uh, I don't even have a housekeeper.
Sandra Green: It's like you're a cave person. Rachel, you must get a nanny. You don't know how overwhelming this is going to be. I mean when you were a baby I had full time help, I had Mrs. Kay.
Rachel Green: Mrs. Kay! Oh yeah, she was sweet. She taught me Spanish. I actually think I remember some of it, tu madre es loca.
Sandra Green: Such a sweet woman.
Rachel Green: Well, however great she was I just can't afford that.
Sandra Green: Oh Rachel!
Rachel Green: What?
Sandra Green: I just had the greatest idea! I'm gonna come live with you!
Rachel Green: Wh-wh-what? What?
Sandra Green: Oh, I'm so happy I'm gonna do this for my little girl. Aw, look at you. You have tears in your eyes.
Rachel Green: Yes. Yes I do.
Joey Tribbiani: All right Ross you're in the lead, would you like to take another question or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?
Ross Geller: The wheel has not been my friend tonight Joey. Uh, I'll take another question.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, this is gonna be tough. Hold your breath.
Ross Geller: It's okay, I'm ready.
Joey Tribbiani: No dude, you gotta hold your breath until you're ready to answer the question.
Chandler Bing: This is ridiculous, he's not gonna hold his breath...
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, what do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia, Tris...Holy cow, that's a big word. Trisc... Seriously look at this thing. Chandler, how do you say that?
Chandler Bing: Let me see that.
Joey Tribbiani: This one right here.
Chandler Bing: Triscadecaphobia.
Ross Geller: The fear of Triscuts!
Joey Tribbiani: No! No, fear of the number 13.
Chandler Bing: Fear of Triscuts?
Ross Geller: It's possible, they have really sharp edges.
Joey Tribbiani: All right Chandler, you're up.
Ross Geller: Wait a minute, I-I believe I'm entitled to use my Angel Pass for a free turn?
Chandler Bing: This game makes no sense!
Ross Geller: Y'know what? You're just upset because you're losing.
Chandler Bing: Oh come on Ross, I think we're all losers here.
Joey Tribbiani: All right. Chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a Google card.
Chandler Bing: Let me think. Let me think-Oh! I don't care.
Joey Tribbiani: You-you must choose Mr. Bing.
Chandler Bing: Either, it makes no difference.
Joey Tribbiani: Choose, you jackass!
Chandler Bing: I'll take a card.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, you picked the Gimmie card! You get all of Ross's points!
Ross Geller: What?!
Chandler Bing: This game is kinda fun.
Ross Geller: You don't think it's a little crazy that you get all my points just 'cause you...
Chandler Bing: I don't think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other.
Rachel Green: Why did you invite my mother?!
Monica Geller: What?
Rachel Green: She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby.
Phoebe Buffay: For how long?
Rachel Green: Eight weeks. I mean I love my mother, but my God, a long lunch with her is taxing.
Monica Geller: I personally would be honored if she wanted to live with me.
Phoebe Buffay: She can't hear you.
Rachel Green: What? You guys, come on! What am I going to do?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, if you don't want your mother to move in with you, just tell her.
Rachel Green: You're right. You're right. I mean I'm about to have a baby, I can tell my mother that I don't want her to just be sleeping on my couch! Oh my God! She's gonna want to sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen!
Monica Geller: That's right. That is right, you go over there and tell her you don't want her to live with you. Do not take no for an answer!
Rachel Green: Okay.
Monica Geller: This is great! Now she's gonna be mad at Rachel! Y'know what? And I'm just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had.
Phoebe Buffay: I have new respect for Chandler. All right everybody! It's time to open the presents!
Monica Geller: Yes! Yes! And I think that the first gift that Rachel opens should be from the grandmother of the baby, because you're the most important person in this room. And in the world!
Sandra Green: Well uh, I don't have a gift because I wasn't invited until the last minute, but thank you so much for bringing that to everyone's attention.
Phoebe Buffay: How about you less important people, let's open your presents!
Rachel Green: Mom that's okay that you didn't get you a gift!
Sandra Green: Well, I kinda did. Me. Eight weeks of me.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah. Okay, see mom, the truth is I can do this on my own.
Sandra Green: Sweetheart I know you're gonna be terrific mom, I just think you need a little help, especially at the beginning.
Rachel Green: But mom, I really know what I'm doing. I can handle this.
Sandra Green: Really? Remember Twinkles?
Rachel Green: He was a hamster! I am not going to vacuum up my baby!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, come on Rach it's present time! Y'know you're the glue that's holding this whole party together. It's kinda falling apart here.
Sandra Green: Oh look.
Rachel Green: Wow!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, this is from your friend at work.
Rachel Green: Oh my gosh! Oh wow! Oh, I know what this is! Wait a minute. That can't be right. Is that a beer bong for a baby?
Sandra Green: Darling, that's a breast pump!
Rachel Green: Did I say I was done guessing? Okay, thank you for that. Oh wow! What's this?
Woman: It's a diaper genie.
Rachel Green: Oh, it dispenses clean diapers!
Woman: No! It's where you put the dirty ones!
Rachel Green: Well that's gross, why don't you just take it outside and throw it in a dumpster?
Sandra Green: Oh you're gonna do that ten times a day?
Rachel Green: What?! It goes ten times a day! What are we feeding this baby?! Indian food?!
Sandra Green: No dear, that's what babies do.
Monica Geller: Rachel, listen to your mother. She is very smart.
Sandra Green: Plus, what are you planning on doing with the baby while you're trotting out to the garbage ten times a day?
Rachel Green: I don't know, I'd leave it on the changing table? What?! What'd I do? What'd I do?!
Sandra Green: You can't leave a baby alone!
Rachel Green: Oh come-Of course I know that. I mean of course you never leave a baby alone! I mean who would-she wouldn't be safe as she would be with me, the baby dummy. Oh God, okay. Y'know what? I think opening the presents right now is a little overwhelming right now. So I think umm, I'm just gonna maybe open them a little bit later, but thank you all for coming. And for these beautiful gifts, and this basket is beautiful.
Woman: It's actually a bassinet.
Rachel Green: Okay mommy, don't ever leave me.
Joey Tribbiani: In what John Houston film would you hear this line, "Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!"
Chandler Bing: Treasure of the Sierra Madre!
Joey Tribbiani: Correct! There's a possible backwards bonus!
Chandler Bing: Madre Sierra the of Treasure!
Joey Tribbiani: Yes!
Chandler Bing: I'd like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut please.
Joey Tribbiani: Wise choice, how many rungs?
Chandler Bing: Six!
Joey Tribbiani: That noise can only me one thing.
Chandler Bing: Hungry monkey.
Ross Geller: Hungry monkey! Haaa! I'd like a Wicked Wango card!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, it's an audio question, name this television theme song.
Ross Geller: Oh. Oh! Oh my God! Okay, I know this, give me-give me a second!
Chandler Bing: Tell it to the Time Turtle!
Ross Geller: Shut up! I Dream of Genie!
Joey Tribbiani: Yes! Yes, you're back in the lead!
Ross Geller: I'd like to spin the wheel!
Chandler Bing: Oh come on!!
Joey Tribbiani: All right! All right! Uh, umm, Super-Speedy Speed round!
Ross Geller: Is there a hopping bonus?
Joey Tribbiani: Of course!
Joey Tribbiani: Who invented bifocals?
Ross Geller: Ben Franklin.
Joey Tribbiani: Correct! Which monarch has ruled Great Britain the longest?
Ross Geller: Queen Victoria.
Joey Tribbiani: Correct again! But, you forgot to switch legs between questions, so no hopping bonus!
Ross Geller: Noooo!!! Every time!!!
Joey Tribbiani: Now, over to Chandler.
Chandler Bing: I'd like a Google Card.
Joey Tribbiani: Are you sure?
Chandler Bing: Yes! No! Google!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God! Congratulations Ross, because Chandler, you've been Bamboozled!
Chandler Bing: Nooo!!
Ross Geller: Yeah!!
Chandler Bing: This is the best game ever!!!
Rachel Green: So umm, you're gonna stay with me as long as I need you?
Sandra Green: Of course I am!
Rachel Green: Oh mom, I swear I'm not an idiot. I've read all kinds of books on pregnancy and giving birth, but I-I just didn't think to read the part about what to do when the baby comes. And-and then guess what? The baby's coming and I don't know what to do. Oh, can I throw up in my diaper genie?
Sandra Green: No. Sweetie, you're gonna be fine.
Rachel Green: Wait-wait where are you going? Where are you going?
Sandra Green: I'm going to the bathroom.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Sandra Green: Now don't worry! Everything's gonna be okay.
Monica Geller: It is going to be okay! It was worth a shot.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Why are you all red and sweaty?
Ross Geller: I just Bamboozled Chandler! Which is not uh sexual thing. That was a quick shower.
Phoebe Buffay: Not if you were here.
Ross Geller: Wow! It looks like we got a lot of good stuff.
Rachel Green: Oh we did, but my mom got us the greatest gift of all.
Ross Geller: A Play-Dough Barber Shop?
Rachel Green: No. She's going to live with us for eight weeks.
Ross Geller: Uh, what?
Rachel Green: Yes! She's gonna help us take care of the baby! Woo-hoo.
Ross Geller: What-You're not serious. I mean she's a very nice woman, but there is no way we can take eight weeks of her. She'll drive us totally crazy.
Sandra Green: Hi Ross!
Ross Geller: Hi roomie!
Man: Hey Joey, hi! I'm Ray; I'm the producer of the show.
Joey Tribbiani: It's a pleasure to meet you Ray.
Ray: And this is Duncan and Erin, they're gonna help us out with the audition. So uh, let's get the camera rolling.
Joey Tribbiani: Rightie-O Ray!
Ray: Whenever you're ready.
Joey Tribbiani: Hello, I'm Joey Tribbiani! Let's play Bamboozled! Erin, you get the first question! In hockey, who is known as The Great One?
Erin: Wayne Gretzky.
Joey Tribbiani: Correct! Now, would you like to pick a Wicked Wango card or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?
Ray: Uh Joey, didn't your agents give you the revised rules? We've eliminated all of that. No wheel, no cards.
Joey Tribbiani: What-Why?!
Ray: Uh well, the game was too complicated and research showed people didn't follow it.
Joey Tribbiani: Well what's complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance. You go past the Mud Hut through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey; you yank his tail and boom! You're in Paradise Pond!
Ray: Yeah all that's gone. It's basically just a simple question and answer game now.
Joey Tribbiani: Well what's fun about that? You expect me to be the host of a boring game that's just people standing around answering questions?
Ray: Well, there'll be women in bikinis holding up the scores.
Joey Tribbiani: Let's play Bamboozled!
Sandra Green: ...and all those dinosaur nick-knacks you have Ross, I thought they might be more at home in the garage.
Ross Geller: Well we...we don't have a garage.
Sandra Green: Did I say garage? I meant garbage.
Ross Geller: Y'know what? Maybe, Mrs. Green, it's not absolutely vital that you live with us.
Sandra Green: Well Rachel needs help with the baby.
Rachel Green: I do. I really do. I don't know anything.
Ross Geller: I'm-I'm sure that's not true.
Rachel Green: Oh no? Pheebs? Monica? Do I know anything about babies?
Phoebe Buffay: No, not a thing.
Monica Geller: It's frightening.
Ross Geller: Well uh, y'know what? Even if she doesn't know anything, I do! I have a son. And his mother and I didn't live together, and whenever he was with me I took care of him all the time, by myself.
Sandra Green: That's true. You do have another child.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Sandra Green: With another woman. Have you no control Ross?
Ross Geller: That's a different issue. Uh, the point is, when the baby comes I will be there to...to feed her and bathe her and change her. And more than that I want to do all those things.
Sandra Green: Well then you really don't need me to live with you.
Ross Geller: Yes! Yes, you're gonna be so missed.
Sandra Green: You're gonna be a great father.
Ross Geller: Well you're gonna be a wonderful grandma.
Rachel Green: Hello?! I still don't know what the hell I'm doing!
Ross Geller: Oh, come on, every first time mother feels that way. You'll-you're gonna pick it up. Hey! You will! Uh look, y'know when you first came to the city? You were this spoiled helpless little girl who-who still used daddy's credit card. Do you remember?
Rachel Green: I hope you're going somewhere with this.
Ross Geller: Look at you! What-You're-you're this big executive! You are much more capable than you give yourself credit for. I-I have no doubt you're gonna be an incredible mother.
Rachel Green: Really?
Ross Geller: I'm telling you.
Rachel Green: Thank you.
Sandra Green: All right you two, I'm gonna get going.
Ross Geller: Oh.
Sandra Green: Oh no-no-no-no sweetheart, you stay put. I'll let myself out. It's like I'm not here, which I almost wasn't.
Monica Geller: You're still so funny. You're so funny. What do I do?
Phoebe Buffay: Nothing! You have apologized to her like a million times and she's been nothing but terrible to you. And don't forget you just threw her daughter a lovely, albeit slightly boring, shower, and she hasn't even thanked you for it.
Monica Geller: Y'know what? You're-you're right.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah I mean if you want to say anything to her, I'd tell her off.
Monica Geller: Really?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh!
Monica Geller: Okay! I will! Mrs. Green? Mrs. Green! It is rude to leave a party without saying good-bye to the host! Yeah, and-and also when someone apologizes to you the decent thing to do is to accept it! Now what I did to you, it wasn't on purpose! But what you're during to me now is just plain spiteful!
Sandra Green: Spiteful?!
Monica Geller: That's right! Maybe it's time you took a good hard look at a mirror young lady...old lady...lady!
Phoebe Buffay: Wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up...
Monica Geller: So whenever you're ready to apologize to me, I will forgive you. Good day! I can't feel my legs!
Phoebe Buffay: You were fantastic! I'm so proud of you!
Monica Geller: Yeah? I'm proud of me too.
Phoebe Buffay: You should be!
Monica Geller: Yeah could-could-could you get me something to drink?
Phoebe Buffay: You got it!
Monica Geller: Okay. Mrs. Green! Okay I'm really sorry!! I'm apologizing for the- Okay, I bit my tongue, but I'm still really sorry!
Rachel Green: Okay! I'm ready.
Ross Geller: You sure?
Rachel Green: Yes, I've done my studying and I really know my stuff.
Ross Geller: All right then. Rachel Green! Let's play Bamboozled! How do you test the temperature of the baby's bath water?
Rachel Green: Uh, put your elbow in it.
Ross Geller: Excellent! How do you put a baby down for a nap?
Rachel Green: Full, dry, on its back, and no loose covers.
Ross Geller: That's correct! This is an audio question, what do you do when the baby makes this sound?
Rachel Green: Check if it's wet, check if it's hungry, burp it!
Ross Geller: Excellent! Excellent, now-now do you want another question or a Wicked Wango card?
Rachel Green: A card! A card! I pick a card!
Ross Geller: Oh, I'm sorry you've been Bamboozled! You're gonna be a terrible mother! I've lost sight of why we're doing this!


Ross Geller: Hey you guys I got some bad news.
Phoebe Buffay: Well that's no way to sell newspapers. Why don't you try, "Extra! Extra! Read all about it!"
Ross Geller: No, Monica's restaurant got a horrible review in the Post. I didn't want her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood and bought all the copies I could find.
Joey Tribbiani: Man, this is bad! And I've had my share of bad reviews. I still remember my first good one though. "Everything else in this production of Our Town was simply terrible. Joey Tribbiani was abysmal."
Monica Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! Look at all the newspapers! It must be a good review! Is it great?!
Ross Geller: Umm...
Monica Geller: Oh dear God!
Ross Geller: But the good news is, no one in a two-block radius will ever know.
Monica Geller: What about the rest of Manhattan?!
Ross Geller: Yeah, they all know.
Monica Geller: Oh my God, this is horrible!
Chandler Bing: I'm so sorry.
Monica Geller: I'm so humiliated!
Rachel Green: Yeah but y'know what they say Mon, "There's no such thing as bad press."
Monica Geller: You don't think that umm, "The chef's Mahi Mahi was awful awful," is bad press?
Rachel Green: I didn't write it.
Monica Geller: Is he right? Am I really-Am I awful?
Everyone: No!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Yeah Monica! You listen to me, okay? And I'm not just saying this because I'm your friend, I'm sayin' it 'cause it's the truth. You're food is abysmal!
Rachel Green: Ross!
Ross Geller: What?! What?
Rachel Green: I am freaking out!
Ross Geller: Are ya?
Rachel Green: My due date is in one week!
Ross Geller: What are you doing up?
Rachel Green: That is seven days!
Ross Geller: Okay look, I had a lot of water before I went to bed. Can we do this after...
Rachel Green: No-no-no-no-no Ross! Please, come on we do not have any of the big stuff we need! We do not a changing table! We do not have a crib! We do not have a diaper service!
Ross Geller: It's funny you should mention diapers.
Rachel Green: I'm serious.
Ross Geller: Okay look, there's nothing to worry about. We have plenty of time. There's a great baby furniture store on west 10th. Tomorrow, we will go there and we will get you everything that you need. Okay?
Rachel Green: Okay. Thank you. That's great. Thank you. Wait-wait! Where on west 10th? Because there's this really cute shoe store that has like this little...
Ross Geller: Okay. Okay. If uh, if you're gonna do this, then I'm gonna do that. So...
Rachel Green: Oh, wait Ross! I'm sorry, one more thing!
Ross Geller: Yeah!
Rachel Green: Umm, our situation. Y'know umm, what we mean to each other. And I mean we-we're having this baby together, and we live together. Isn't that, isn't that weird?
Ross Geller: Well uh...
Rachel Green: I'm just kidding! You can go pee!
Monica Geller: Joey! Now that you're here...
Joey Tribbiani: Sure, I can hang out 'til I have to meet ya. What uh-How come you're not going?
Chandler Bing: I have a job interview I have to get ready for.
Joey Tribbiani: I thought you already have a job.
Chandler Bing: And people say you don't pay attention. No, this is a much better job. It's vice-president of a company that does data reconfiguration and statistical factoring for other companies.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! How do you know how to do that?!
Chandler Bing: That's what I do now.
Monica Geller: Hey Joey, come taste this.
Joey Tribbiani: What is it?
Monica Geller: Remember that guy that gave me a bad review? Well... I'm getting my revenge!
Joey Tribbiani: You cooked him?
Monica Geller: No. He Teaches A Course On Food Criticism At The New School, So Before We Go To The Movies I Wanna Go By There And Make Him Try My Bouillabaisse Again. Oh, I Cannot Wait To Read The Front Page Of The Post Tomorrow! "Restaurant Reviewer Admits I was wrong about Monica."
Chandler Bing: The front page? You really do live in your own little world, don't ya?
Cashier: Do you uh, want these things delivered Mr. and Mrs. Geller?
Rachel Green: Oh.
Ross Geller: Oh.
Rachel Green: No-no-no! No, no, no, we're not married.
Ross Geller: We are having a baby together, but we're not involved. I mean, uh we-we were seeing each other a while ago, but then we were just friends. And then there was one drunken night. Or, yes stranger, we'd like this delivered please.
Cashier: Why don't you fill out this address card.
Ross Geller: Oh, okay.
Cashier: I notice you picked out a lot of our dinosaur items.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah! Actually, that's one of the reasons why we're not a couple.
Ross Geller: I chose those, I'm a paleontologist.
Cashier: Really?! That is so cool!
Rachel Green: Oh. Oh yeah, don't get to worked up over it. I mean it-it sounds like he's a doctor, but he's not.
Cashier: Oh no-no, I'm fascinated by paleontology. Have you read the new Walter Alvarez book?
Ross Geller: Yeah! I-I teach it in my class.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! I'm standing at a cash register, holding a credit card, and I'm bored.
Cashier: Oh, I love your neighborhood. There's a great gym right around the corner from your building.
Ross Geller: That's my gym.
Cashier: I can tell you work out. A paleontologist who works out, you're like Indiana Jones.
Ross Geller: I am like Indiana Jones.
Rachel Green: Hi Pheebs!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Oh, how did baby shopping go?
Rachel Green: Oh, it was great! We got everything that we needed! Oh and Ross, almost got something that wasn't on the list. A whore.
Phoebe Buffay: What?!
Rachel Green: Well, we were paying for our stuff and this saleswoman just started flirting with him.
Phoebe Buffay: Well did she know you two weren't married?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Well the idea of a woman flirting with a-with a single man, we-we must alert the church elders!
Rachel Green: You don't understand! You didn't see how brazen she was.
Phoebe Buffay: Sounds like you're a little jealous.
Rachel Green: No! I'm not! I-I-I just think it's wrong! It's-it's that I'm-Here I am about to pop and he's out picking up some shop girl at Sluts 'R' Us!
Phoebe Buffay: Is that a real place? Are they hiring?
Chandler Bing: Hey Phoebe! Fatty!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey Chandler, why so fancy?
Chandler Bing: Well, I got a job interview. It's kinda a big deal too. Its a lot more money and I'd be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring.
Phoebe Buffay: Wait, I think I know someone who does that.
Chandler Bing: Me! I do that. So... Seriously, do I look okay? I'm little nervous.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah! You really-You look great.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, just don't get your hopes up.
Chandler Bing: Why not?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, the interview...
Chandler Bing: What about it?
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know! You don't make a very good first impression.
Chandler Bing: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh you don't know.
Chandler Bing: Are you serious?!
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, when I first met you, you were like, "Blah, blah, blah." I was like, shhh!
Chandler Bing: What is it that I do?
Phoebe Buffay: Well it's just like you're trying too hard. Always making jokes, y'know, you just-You come off a little needy.
Chandler Bing: Did you like me when we first met?
Rachel Green: Chandler, I'm not gonna lie to ya, but I am gonna run away from you.
Monica Geller: Hi! Umm, I'm Monica Geller, I'm the chef at Alessandro's.
The Food Critic: Still?
Monica Geller: I think the things that you said about me are really unfair, and I would like for you to give my bouillabaisse another chance.
The Food Critic: I don't see any reason why I would do that to myself again.
Joey Tribbiani: Either eat it, or be in it.
Monica Geller: Spoon? So, what do you think?
The Food Critic: I'm torn, between my integrity and my desire to avoid a beating. But I must be honest, your soup is abysmal.
Joey Tribbiani: Thata girl! Huh? We should get out of here; there's a new class comin' in.
The Cooking Teacher: Welcome to introduction to cooking. Now, before we start, can anyone tell me the difference between a hollandaise sauce and a bearnaise sauce?
Monica Geller: I can.
The Cooking Teacher: Okay, go ahead.
Monica Geller: Well umm, they both have a egg yolk and butter base, but a bearnaise has shallots, shirvel, and most importantly tarragon.
The Cooking Teacher: That's very good, what's your name?
Monica Geller: Monica.
The Cooking Teacher: Monica, you go to the head of the class.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Rachel Green: All this stuff takes up a lot of room. Hey how uh, how serious are you about keeping Ben in your life?
Ross Geller: My son? Pretty serious. Oh hey Katie! What uh, what are you doing here?
Katie (saleswoman): Well, the delivery went out to you and I realized they forgot this.
Ross Geller: Ah, must've been fairly obvious since it was the only thing left in your store.
Katie (saleswoman): Listen, to be honest, home deliveries are really a part of my job description.
Ross Geller: Oh.
Katie (saleswoman): Oh uh...I actually came here to ask you out.
Ross Geller: Oh! Wow! Uh, yeah! That sounds great. I'm just gonna put this back in my pocket, pretend that didn't happen. Uh yeah, actually I'm free now. Do you wanna grab some coffee or...
Katie (saleswoman): Sure!
Rachel Green: Horny bitch. No! You're a horny bitch! Noooo! You're the horny bitch! No! You're a horny bitch!
Rachel Green: So you guys go, have a really good time.
Ross Geller: Yeah, I'm just gonna grab my coat. And uh, and my whip. Y'know because of the Indiana Jones? Not-not because I'm-I'm into S&M. I'm not-I'm not into anything weird. Y'know? Just-just normal sex. So, I'm gonna grab my coat.
Rachel Green: So, you had a good day huh? Big commission; picked up a daddy.
Katie (saleswoman): Are you okay with this?
Rachel Green: Oh yeah! Yeah please, you guys have fun.
Katie (saleswoman): Okay. It was nice to see you.
Rachel Green: Oh and it was great to see you too. And you look fantastic, although you missed a button.
Katie (saleswoman): Oh umm, actually I umm...
Rachel Green: Oh okay, I see what you're doing there.
Chandler Bing: I can't even believe this! I really come off that badly?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! It's okay, you calm down after a while and then people can see how really sweet and wonderful you really are.
Chandler Bing: Oh good. Good, because I'm sure this interview is gonna last a couple of weeks.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, don't freak out! Okay? I-I will help you. How long before you have to leave?
Chandler Bing: An hour.
Phoebe Buffay: I can't help you.
Chandler Bing: Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: All right, all right, we'll just do our best. Okay? So let's say I'm the interviewer and I'm meeting you for the first time. Okay. "Hi! Come on in, I'm uh, Regina Philange."
Chandler Bing: Chandler Bing.
Phoebe Buffay: Bing, what an unusual name.
Chandler Bing: Well you should meet my uncle, Bada. I'll let myself out.
Joey Tribbiani: Hi.
The Cooking Teacher: Your Fettuccini Alfredo looks a little dry, did you use all your cheese?
Joey Tribbiani: When you say used, do you mean eat as a pre-cooking snack?
The Cooking Teacher: And the cream?
Joey Tribbiani: Cheese makes me thirsty.
The Cooking Teacher: Okay. Let's move on.
Joey Tribbiani: All right.
The Cooking Teacher: Oh! Something smells good over at Monica's station! Oh my God! This is absolutely amazing! You've never made this before?
Monica Geller: Oh no! I don't know anything about cooking. I had to ask someone what it's called when the, when the water makes those little bubbles.
The Cooking Teacher: Well, hats off to the chef.
Monica Geller: I-I-I'm sorry, your-your mouth was full, I didn't hear what you said. Umm, hats off to who now?
The Cooking Teacher: The chef!
Monica Geller: That's right.
Chandler Bing: ...I think you'll find if I come to work here, I don't micro-manage. I don't shy away from delegating.
Phoebe Buffay: Um-hmm, that's good to know. But let's stop focusing on what you don't do, and start focusing on what you do do.
Chandler Bing: What I do do...is manage to uh, create an atmosphere of support for the people working with me.
Phoebe Buffay: I see. Nice sidestep on the do do thing by the way.
Chandler Bing: Hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
Phoebe Buffay: You gotta go!
Chandler Bing: Oh!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, don't worry. You're ready.
Chandler Bing: Really?
Phoebe Buffay: Absolutely! Just fight all your natural instincts and you'll be great.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
The Cooking Teacher: Ah Monica, my star student.
Monica Geller: Y'know, you called me that before so I-I took the liberty of fashioning a star out of aluminum foil. Now, no pressure, you like my cookies, you give me the star.
The Cooking Teacher: Oh, yum-yum-yum.
Monica Geller: Wow! A star! I know you all hate me and-and I'm sorry, but I don't care.
The Cooking Teacher: Okay Joey, you're up next. This are good! This is amazing! You get an A!
Joey Tribbiani: I can an A? In-in school? Hey, I'm a dork.
Monica Geller: Joey! I'm so proud of you!
The Cooking Teacher: I think you should give him your star.
Monica Geller: Excuse me? He doesn't even know what he's doing!
The Cooking Teacher: We're all beginners here. Nobody knows what they're doing.
Monica Geller: I do! I'm a professional chef! Oh relax! It's not a courtroom drama!
The Cooking Teacher: If you're a professional chef, what are you doing taking Introduction to Cooking?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!
Monica Geller: I'm-I'm sorry, it's just that umm... Well I-I cook at this restaurant, Alessandro's, and umm I just got a really bad review...
The Cooking Teacher: Oh Alessandro's! I love that place!
Monica Geller: You do?
The Cooking Teacher: Oh yes! You're an excellent chef! As a person you're a little...
Monica Geller: Oh, I'm totally crazy, but you-you like the food?
The Cooking Teacher: Very much.
Monica Geller: Okay then, I don't stink. I'm a good chef. Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I don't want to go. I'm having fun.
The Cooking Teacher: Well actually, did either of you pay for this class?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey-hey, if my friend says it's time to go, it's time to go.
Chandler Bing: ...also I was the point person on my company's transition from the KL-5 to GR-6 system.
The Interviewer: You must've had your hands full.
Chandler Bing: That I did. That I did.
The Interviewer: So let's talk a little bit about your duties.
Chandler Bing: My duties? All right.
The Interviewer: Now you'll be heading a whole division, so you'll have a lot of duties.
Chandler Bing: I see.
The Interviewer: But there'll be perhaps 30 people under you so you can dump a certain amount on them.
Chandler Bing: Good to know.
The Interviewer: We can go into detail...
Chandler Bing: No don't I beg of you!
The Interviewer: All right then, we'll have a definite answer for you on Monday, but I think I can say with some confidence, you'll fit in well here.
Chandler Bing: Really?!
The Interviewer: Absolutely. You can relax; you did great.
Chandler Bing: Yeah I gotta say thank you, I was really nervous. Y'know I've been told I come on to strong, make to many jokes, and then it was really hard to sidestep that duty thing. Duties. Duties! Poo.
The Interviewer: Poo?
Chandler Bing: Oh my God this doesn't count! Okay? The interview was over, that was the real Chandler Bing in there, this is just some crazy guy out in the hall! Call security! There's a crazy guy out in the hall!
The Interviewer: Poo?!
Chandler Bing: I'll look forward to your call.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hi! You're back from your date!
Ross Geller: How are you?
Rachel Green: I'm fine, but that's not important. What's important is how was she?
Ross Geller: Uhh, it was fun. We, we just had coffee.
Rachel Green: Oh uh-huh, uh-huh, coffee, a little rub-rub-rub under the table.
Ross Geller: What's uh, what's going on? Do you not, do you not like Katie?
Rachel Green: No! No, she's-She was nice. I mean, she's a little slutty, but who isn't?
Ross Geller: I liked her.
Rachel Green: Of course you did Ross, you would date a gorilla if it called you Indiana Jones!
Ross Geller: Did you get like a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?!
Rachel Green: No! It's just that, Kate bothered me.
Ross Geller: Why? What was wrong with her?
Rachel Green: There was nothing wrong with her! All right? She was perfectly lovely!
Ross Geller: Okay, so what's the matter?
Rachel Green: I don't want you to date her!
Ross Geller: Why? What, what are you jealous?
Rachel Green: Yes! And not because I want you to go out with me, but because I don't want you to go out with anybody! Okay? I know it's a terrible thing to even think this, and it's completely inappropriate, but I want you to be at my constant beck and call 24 hours a day! I'm very sorry, but that is just the way that I feel.
Ross Geller: Okay.
Rachel Green: What?!
Ross Geller: I won't date. I'll uh, I'll be here, with you, all the time.
Rachel Green: Really? But I'm being so unreasonable.
Ross Geller: True, but you're allowed to be unreasonable. You're having our baby.
Rachel Green: Oh Ross, thank you. Thank you.
Ross Geller: Do you feel better?
Rachel Green: No, not really. You're pressing the baby into my bladder and now I have to pee. Sorry.
Ross Geller: Uh Rach?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Just one thing umm...
Rachel Green: Uh-huh.
Ross Geller: We live together. You're having our baby. I'm not gonna see anybody else. Are you-are you sure you don't want something more?
Rachel Green: Wow! I don't know, maybe. I'm...
Ross Geller: Oh-oh, Rach! I was just messin' around! Like you did last night when I had to pee?
Rachel Green: I knew that! I knew that! I was just messin' with you too!
Ross Geller: Okay. Okay. Because for a minute you said you...
Rachel Green: Oh no-no-no-no, no!
Ross Geller: ...that you actually...
Rachel Green: No that's just-That's just 'cause I'm such a good messer!
Ross Geller: Rach?
Rachel Green: Yeah?
Ross Geller: The bathroom?
Rachel Green: Right!
Joey Tribbiani: Well I had a great time! Learned how to bake, ate great food, that's the first A I've gotten since seventh grade, and I didn't have to sleep with the teacher this time.
Monica Geller: Oh, look! Acting for Beginners! Want to feel good about yourself?
Joey Tribbiani: What the hell!
Monica Geller: Okay.
The Acting Teacher: All right, let's start with some basics. Can anybody tell me what the difference between upstage and downstage is?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, this was a stupid idea.


Ross Geller: Hey! What are you guys looking at?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, it's a poster for that World War I movie that I'm in, check it out.
Ross Geller: Yeah? Wow! It looks really violent!
Joey Tribbiani: Uh-huh! I know. I'm coming soon to a theater near you! I'm in THX! I'm unsuitable for children!
Ross Geller: Now I cannot wait to see this.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah, it's already generating Oscar buzz.
Phoebe Buffay: I started that!
Joey Tribbiani: I thought I did! Oh hey guess what? The premiere is next week and you're all invited!
Monica Geller: Are we gonna take a limo?
Joey Tribbiani: Sure! Why not?!
Monica Geller: Oh I love taking limos when nobody died!
Rachel Green: Well obviously I won't be able to come, for those of you who haven't checked their calendars today is my due date. Well y'know, I just want to take a moment and thank you guys for how great you've been during this time. I really couldn't have done it without you. And I have loved these last nine months! And even though I am so looking forward to the next part, I am really gonna miss being pregnant.
Rachel Green: That's right, still no baby! Come on people! Please make some room!
Ross Geller: Uh sweetie, maybe you'd be more comfortable here?
Rachel Green: You. Like you haven't done enough.
Ross Geller: Look, I-I know how miserable you are, I wish there was something I can do. I mean I wish I were a seahorse. Because with seahorses it's the male, they carry the babies. And then also umm, I'd be far away in the sea.
Rachel Green: God. I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh I know, I've been there. I remember toward the end...
Rachel Green: Oh Phoebe, that's a great story. Can you tell it to me when you're getting me some iced tea? Oh God, get out! Get out!! Get out!! Get out!!
Chandler Bing: Let's.
Chandler Bing: Hey! Did you have the baby yet?
Rachel Green: Do you want me to come over there and sit on you? 'Cause I'll do it.
Monica Geller: What are you doing here so early?
Rachel Green: They sent me home from work. They were like, "Start your maternity leave now! Just rest, get ready for the baby." Well y'know what? Screw 'em! If they don't want me there, I'll just hang out with you guys.
Phoebe Buffay: Or you can do volunteer work.
Joey Tribbiani: Hello?
Estelle Leonard: Joey! It's Estelle! Great news, I was able to get you and one guest tickets to your premiere.
Joey Tribbiani: One guest? You told me I can have six tickets!
Estelle Leonard: Well, I sold four of them on Ebay. You'll be sitting next to HotGuy372.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God. So that's it?! I only get to bring one guest?
Estelle Leonard: Yeah, what time do you wanna pick me up? Hello?
Joey Tribbiani: Did you hear that? I only get one extra ticket to my premiere. So some how I have to pick between you three and Ross.
Rachel Green: What-what about me?
Joey Tribbiani: You said you didn't want to go.
Rachel Green: I don't. But I would still like to be acknowledged. What? Just because I'm pregnant you think I'm invisible.
Joey Tribbiani: Definitely not invisible.
Monica Geller: Well, well Ross didn't care enough to be here, so I think he's out. You snooze you lose.
Chandler Bing: He's not snoozing, he's teaching a class.
Monica Geller: Well then somebody's snoozing. Joey, not that this uh should affect you at all, but if you were to pick me, I was planning on wearing a sequined dress, cut down to here.
Chandler Bing: I haven't seen this dress.
Monica Geller: Star in a movie.
Phoebe Buffay: Joey, you pick who ever you want. Okay? You just listen to your heart. What does it tell you? Phoebe, Phoebe.
Joey Tribbiani: Well uh...I think I want to take Chandler.
Phoebe Buffay: Phoebe-Phoebe-Phoebe-Phoebe-Burrrrr!
Chandler Bing: You really want to take me?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Yeah! I mean I'm sorry, I wish I can take everybody, but y'know Chandler always supported my career. He's paid for acting classes and head shots and stuff and well this will be my way of paying you back.
Chandler Bing: So you're never actually going to pay me back?
Monica Geller: Wait a minute, just because he paid for your head shots you're gonna take him? Joey, I don't think you're comprehending just how slutty this dress is!
Joey Tribbiani: It's not just the stuff he paid for, I mean it's-it's everything. Y'know? He read lines with me. He-he went with me on auditions when I was really nervous, and then he consoled me after I didn't get parts that I really wanted. You always believed in me man. Even, even when I didn't believe in myself.
Chandler Bing: I always knew you were gonna make it. I'm so proud of you.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks. That means a lot to me.
Phoebe Buffay: Mon, maybe one of these guys wants to wear your dress.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm gonna go shave.
Chandler Bing: Yeah well, I'm gonna go spit.
Rachel Green: Oh, I have to pee. If I don't come out in five minutes it's because I've choked to death on the potpourri stink.
Phoebe Buffay: When she comes out, you hold her nose, I'll blow in her mouth, and the kid will just right out of her.
Monica Geller: She's over a week late! She gotta have it today, right?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. I-I think it's still gonna be a while.
Monica Geller: Hmm, care to make it interesting? I'll bet you that she'll have it by this time tomorrow.
Phoebe Buffay: You're on!
Monica Geller: Okay, how much?
Phoebe Buffay: One hundred thousand dollars!
Monica Geller: How about fifty bucks?
Phoebe Buffay: Fine! I'll call Zurich and move some money around.
Rachel Green: All right, who's turn is it to help me get up!
Phoebe Buffay: No one's here! Oh damnit!
Chandler Bing: This is so exciting! It's so glamorous! People taking our picture. How do I look?
Joey Tribbiani: A little tall.
Chandler Bing: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Do you mind crouching down a little bit, so that I look taller? There you go.
Chandler Bing: It's just so glamorous.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh hey Mon? Rach is here! Ohh, you're still pregnant. Oh, I'm sorry. I know how uncomfortable you are. Y'know what? You look great. Yeah, like fifty bucks.
Rachel Green: Oh, I have to go pee. Apparently this baby thinks that my bladder is a squeeze toy.
Monica Geller: Damnit! Damnit!! Here's your fifty bucks!
Phoebe Buffay: It's interesting that you lost. Now, I forget, do you like to lose?
Monica Geller: Now stop it! Double or nothing that she has it by tomorrow!
Phoebe Buffay: Fine! You're on!
Monica Geller: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Until then, General Grant, why don't you set up camp right there.
Ross Geller: Hey is Rachel here? We have a doctor's appointment.
Monica Geller: She's in the bathroom.
Ross Geller: Rach, we gotta go.
Rachel Green: In a minute!!!
Ross Geller: People ask me why we're not together, I just don't know what to tell them.
Rachel Green: All right, all right. Let's go!
Ross Geller: Uh, do you wanna go change first? The doctor's keeping the office open late for us, but if you hurry...
Rachel Green: No, I'm fine.
Ross Geller: Really? You don't think that's a little inappropriate.
Phoebe Buffay: Good God man don't anger it.
Rachel Green: Ross, it is 100 degrees outside. For the first time in weeks, I am somewhat comfortable.
Ross Geller: Fine! Fine! Y'know what? Whatever you want. Okay? You're the mommy.
Rachel Green: Oh uh-uh pal! Don't call me mommy! It's bad enough you call your own mother that.
Monica Geller: I'm actually with her on this one.
Joey Tribbiani: "I thought I knew who the enemy was, but it was you all along."
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, this is it. It's my big fight scene coming up.
Rachel Green: Ross.
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Rachel Green: Can I ask you something?
Ross Geller: Uh-huh.
Rachel Green: When Carol was pregnant with Ben...
Ross Geller: Mmm?
Rachel Green: ...were you this irritating?
Ross Geller: Wow!
Rachel Green: Excuse me?!
Ross Geller: Oh nothing. Nothing! Just uh, you've been a little short with me lately. I'm not trying to irritate you.
Rachel Green: Well then you just must have a natural talent for it.
Ross Geller: Y'know what? The doctor will be in soon, why don't we not speak until then.
Rachel Green: Okay. Seriously, breathe louder Ross! That's great!
Ross Geller: Y'know we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human and half pure evil!
Rachel Green: Hi Dr. Long, how are you?
Ross Geller: Oh, you're nice to her.
Rachel Green: She has the drugs!
Dr. Long: We'll do a quick check.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Dr. Long: So, eight days late huh?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Dr. Long: You must be a little uncomfortable.
Rachel Green: Eh, just a tad.
Dr. Long: You're about 80 percent effaced, so you're on your way. It still could last a little while longer. If you're anxious there are a few ways to help things along.
Ross Geller: Do them!!
Dr. Long: Actually, they're things you can do. Just some home remedies, but in my experience I've found that some of them are quite effective.
Rachel Green: Well, we are ready to try anything.
Dr. Long: Okay, there's an herbal tea you can drink.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Dr. Long: You can take some caster oil, there's eating spicy foods...
Rachel Green: Great! We will do all of those.
Dr. Long: ...taking a long walk, and then there's the one that's proved most effective: sex.
Ross Geller: You've got to be kidding me!
Chandler Bing: Good job Joe! Well done! Top notch!
Joey Tribbiani: You liked it? You really liked it?
Chandler Bing: Oh-ho-ho, yeah!
Joey Tribbiani: Which part exactly?
Chandler Bing: The whole thing! Can we go?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh no-no-no, give me some specifics.
Chandler Bing: I love the specifics, the specifics were the best part!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, what about the scene with the kangaroo? Did-did you like that part?
Chandler Bing: I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic.
Joey Tribbiani: You fell asleep!! There was no kangaroo! They didn't take any of my suggestions! That's for coming buddy. I'll see you later.
Chandler Bing: Don't go! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! Look! This guy fell asleep! He fell asleep too! Be mad at him! Or, call an ambulance.
Monica Geller: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hi!
Monica Geller: What did the doctor say? Any news on when the baby will come?
Rachel Green: No. But she did give us some ideas on how to induce labor.
Ross Geller: Yeah, we tried them all. We went for a walk, uh we tried a special tea, caster oil, spicy food nothing has worked.
Rachel Green: Well, there is one thing that we haven't tried, but someone thinks that, "That will open up a can of worms."
Monica Geller: Well what is it? What is it? If it's gonna help bring the baby here, like today. I mean, I think you should do it.
Ross Geller: It's sex.
Monica Geller: Do it!
Ross Geller: Monica!
Monica Geller: I'm just saying it's been a really long time for you. I mean, women have needs. Do it, get yours!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh I-I don't know about that. No, I think that if the two of you had sex the-the-the repercussions would be catastrophic.
Monica Geller: All right, let's be practical, if Ross isn't willing to do it, he's not the only guy in the world you can have sex with. You can borrow Chandler-Chandler is good!
Ross Geller: Monica, what is the matter with you?
Monica Geller: Nothing. I just want the baby to be born today.
Rachel Green: Why? Why today?
Monica Geller: Okay fine! I keep betting Phoebe that you're gonna have the baby and I don't want to lose again!
Ross Geller: What?! While she's been going through this hell, you've been making money?! You're betting on your friend staying in this misery?!
Rachel Green: I'll take that bet.
Ross Geller: What?!
Rachel Green: Well, I'm miserable here! I might as well make some money out it!
Ross Geller: Can I get some of that action?
Monica Geller: Wait a minute! Now I'm betting against all three of you?
Rachel Green: Oh honey, don't worry. I really do feel like tomorrow's the day.
Monica Geller: Oh, okay!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Sleeping beauty!
Chandler Bing: Where have you been?! I tried to call you! I want to talk to you! I still feel so bad!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh no, were you upset? Did you lose sleep?
Chandler Bing: I'm so sorry.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh-huh look, the only reason I can over here was to settle things between us! Okay? You've done a lot for me and my career, I wanted to pay you back so I took you to the premiere but you missed it! Okay, so how much do I owe you?
Chandler Bing: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: Give me a number, I don't want to owe you anything!
Chandler Bing: You don't owe me anything, I don't want you money...
Joey Tribbiani: Ah-ah-ah! We're doing this! Okay, now you got me my first set of head shots. Right, how much were those?
Chandler Bing: I don't know, five hundred dollars?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, five hundred dollars. What else?
Chandler Bing: Well then there was the second set, the infamous booger head shots.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, so that's another five hundred. Five hundred and five hundred, that's...
Chandler Bing: Do you want a calculator?
Joey Tribbiani: Please!
Chandler Bing: Here!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, what else?
Chandler Bing: Well uh, there was acting classes, stage combat classes, tap classes...
Joey Tribbiani: Which we're still keeping under our hats!
Chandler Bing: Uh then there was that dialect coach who helped you with that play where you needed a southern accent. Which after twenty hours of lessons still came out Jamaican.
Joey Tribbiani: What the hell are you talking about, "The south will rise again man."
Chandler Bing: Yes, money well spent!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Okay, what else? Rent!
Chandler Bing: Okay, two, three years of rent, utilities, food...
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Okay, so I'm writing you a check for...So you fell asleep during my movie. Big deal right? How do you clear this thing?
Ross Geller: Come on, finish your enchilada.
Rachel Green: Ross I-We tried all the spicy food. It's not working.
Ross Geller: Okay here, have one of these peppers. Oh ha... Oh God! So...so hot! Oh my- By the way, you don't want to touch the pepper and then touch your eye.
Rachel Green: I am feeling nothing. Speaking of hot, watching you do that really makes me want to have sex with you.
Ross Geller: Stop it.
Rachel Green: Oh come on Ross, why are we wasting our time with this other stuff?! We know what's gonna work! It's doctor recommended!
Ross Geller: I'm sorry, but we have to have some boundaries! My God, I'm dying.
Rachel Green: Oh come on Ross, we've done it before we'll do it again, it'll be a nice way to bookend the pregnancy.
Ross Geller: This is insane, I'm not gonna make love to you just so that you'll go into labor.
Rachel Green: Make love? What are you a girl?
Ross Geller: Always a great way to get in a man's pants.
Rachel Green: But you will, you will be performing a service. Okay? Just-just think of me as a ketchup bottle, y'know you sometimes you have to bang on the end of it just to get something to come out.
Ross Geller: I love when you talk dirty to me.
Rachel Green: Oh, I know it. You're right. That's not sexy. Oh...Oh! Whoops! Oh, I seem to have dropped my fork. Let me just bed over and get it. Oh God!
Ross Geller: Okay enough! This is, this is not going to happen.
Rachel Green: Come on Ross! I'm miserable here! Come on! You started this, now you finish it! Come on wuss, make love to me.
Ross Geller: Y'know what?
Rachel Green: What?!
Ross Geller: Forget it.
Rachel Green: Oh wow! What now Ross you're not gonna talk? How on earth will you ever annoy me? Oh wait a minute, I know. I mean you'd think the damn jalepeno would've cleared up your sinuses, but no!! That's not enough... What are you doing?!
Ross Geller: I'm getting that baby out of you!
Rachel Green: Oh God!
Ross Geller: Oh, I know.
Rachel Green: Oh no. No-no! I think my water just broke.
Ross Geller: I am good. Okay! Okay! Uh, I got the pillow! I got the bag! You got the keys?
Rachel Green: Okay! I got the keys! Okay! Okay!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Ross Geller: We're having a baby.
Rachel Green: I didn't uh, really have time to read this part of the books, but do you think we have time to...
Ross Geller: Not so much.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Monica Geller: Two hundred.
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you!
Monica Geller: That's it. I'm done. I don't care when the baby comes, no more betting.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Monica Geller: Hello? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. I guess we can bet one more time.
Phoebe Buffay: Is Rachel having the baby?
Monica Geller: How did you know that?! Joey! Chandler!! It's time!
Phoebe Buffay: They're at the coffeehouse.
Monica Geller: You know everything!! Oh wait, double or nothing. I bet you the baby is over seven pounds. I bet you it has hair. I bet you it's a girl.
Phoebe Buffay: We know it's a girl!
Monica Geller: I'll give you really good odds.


Ross Geller: All right! Yes!! From home to the hospital in under seven minutes! We did it!!
Rachel Green: Yes, the hard part is truly over.
Ross Geller: No, but come on, we're off to a great start aren't we? I knew I'd get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh you made it!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Monica Geller: How are you doing?
Ross Geller: Wait a minute! How-how the hell did you beat us here?
Monica Geller: We took a cab. Did you guys walk?
Ross Geller: N... No! We took a cab too, but I did test runs!
Chandler Bing: Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! You made it!
Ross Geller: Okay is there...some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?!
Rachel Green: Ross, you stay here and talk, I'm gonna go have a baby.
Ross Geller: Okay. Okay. Umm hi, this is Rachel Green. I'm Ross Geller. We-we called from the car.
Nurse: Right! We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you. So in just a minute...
Rachel Green: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I'm sorry, semi-private? We , we asked for a private room.
Nurse: Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately we can't guarantee a private room and currently they're all unavailable.
Chandler Bing: Man, if only you'd gotten here sooner.
Nurse: I'm sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have.
Rachel Green: Okay. Just give us a second. Ross!
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Rachel Green: Give her some money.
Ross Geller: I really think they're out of rooms.
Rachel Green: They're not!! Ross, they're just saving them for the important people!! Okay?! What-what if I was the president?!
Ross Geller: Well then we'd be in a lot of trouble, you don't know where any countries are. Okay. Uh, say would you umm... Would you mind checking again to see if any umm, private rooms may have opened up?
Nurse: This is a hospital.
Rachel Green: Okay. Y'know what? I'd have to say I really don't care for your tone. And this is not the only hospital in this city and we have no problem to-Whoa! Oh gosh! Whoa!
Ross Geller: What-what?
Rachel Green: Ow! Ow! Contraction. Ow-ow! Ow-ow!
Nurse: Would you like to see a semi-private room?
Rachel Green: Yeah, it couldn't hurt to look.
Dr. Long: Well you're only two centimeters dilated and we need to get to ten. It'll be a while.
Rachel Green: Oh, okay.
Dr. Long: I'll be back in an hour to check you again.
Ross Geller: Thank you.
Rachel Green: Thank you. Well, I guess we have some time to kill.
Ross Geller: Yeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out! Never done this before.
Rachel Green: Yeah well it looks great!
Man: Thank you very much.
Woman: Thanks.
Ross Geller: Hi! Hi, I'm uh Ross. I'm here to ruin this magical day for you.
Man: Oh no-no, not at all.
Woman: Don't worry about it.
Man: Marc Coreger, this is my wife Julie.
Ross Geller: Hi Julie.
Julie Coreger: Hi.
Ross Geller: This is Rachel.
Rachel Green: Hi!
Marc Coreger: Oh hi Rachel.
Rachel Green: How are you?
Julie Coreger: Hi. Is this your first?
Rachel Green: Yeah it is.
Julie Coreger: Well, little Jamie here is our third. So, if you have questions or you need anything at all, just holler.
Rachel Green: That's so sweet.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Ross Geller: Umm say, I-I opened this earlier but let me give you guys some privacy.
Marc Coreger: No nonsense! We're all in this together.
Julie Coreger: Yeah, we are going to share every moment of this with you. And I think we're gonna have some fun.
Marc Coreger: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Oh, okay.
Marc Coreger: Hey! Smile!
Rachel Green: Oh no, I really don't want any-Oh! Thank you. Oh. Oh Ross...
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: Here comes another contraction.
Ross Geller: Oh. Okay, just breathe.
Julie Coreger: Oh honey, I think I'm having one too!
Marc Coreger: Look at this! There we go!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh wow, three hours and still no baby. Ugh, the miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest.
Monica Geller: Hey, you wanna see something?
Phoebe Buffay: Sure! What?
Monica Geller: Umm, this is going to be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler. Honey?
Chandler Bing: Yeah?
Monica Geller: Listen uh, I-I've been doing some thinking, and I don't know whether it's because we're here or Rachel's giving birth but umm, I think we should try to have a baby.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: What-what-what's that now?!
Chandler Bing: Okay. I've been thinking about it too, and I, I think we're ready.
Monica Geller: What?! Are you kidding me?! You-you-you think we're ready to have a baby now?!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, this is fun.
Joey Tribbiani: You're ready to have a baby? My boy's all grown up!
Chandler Bing: But you said you were ready too.
Monica Geller: Yeah but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high and weird like mine is now!
Chandler Bing: Yes, but haven't you wanted a kid like forever?
Monica Geller: Okay, just back off mister! Whoa. 'Cause I am ready to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father.
Joey Tribbiani: What?! Are you crazy?!
Monica Geller: That's it! Right there! Is all I wanted!
Marc Coreger: I am so sorry. The doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam.
Rachel Green: Oh, that's very-Really very-very okay.
Marc Coreger: Julie's cervix is dilated a seven centimeters, that's about four fingers. The doctor let me feel it myself.
Julie Coreger: Have you felt Rachel's cervix Ross?
Rachel Green: No, I don't think we'll be doing that.
Ross Geller: We're not gonna do that.
Julie Coreger: Well, if you like you can feel Rachel's and then feel mine to compare.
Judy Geller: Am I interrupting?
Ross Geller: Uh yes! Thank you.
Rachel Green: Oh. Oh wait no.
Ross Geller: Later.
Rachel Green: No-no-don't! Don't leave me here with these people.
Ross Geller: Oh uh, I'm sorry.
Rachel Green: No Ross! Ross! Ross! My child has no father!
Ross Geller: Hi! I'm so glad you're here, but it's gonna be a while. I-I wished you'd called first.
Judy Geller: Oh that's all right, I'm coming back later with your father.
Ross Geller: Oh good.
Judy Geller: I actually needed to talk to you before the birth.
Ross Geller: Okay, what's up?
Judy Geller: I brought something that I want to give you, assuming of course that you want it.
Ross Geller: Ma, you're asking me to marry you?
Judy Geller: This is your grandmother's engagement ring, I want you to give it to Rachel.
Ross Geller: Mom no, come on! Thank you.
Judy Geller: Just hear me out!
Ross Geller: N-no! Okay? We've been through this! We're not gonna get married just because she's pregnant, okay?
Judy Geller: Honestly! Ross, this isn't just some girl you picked up in a bar and humped. A child should have a family.
Ross Geller: Mom, y'know what? I-I can't deal with this right now. I'm sorry...
Judy Geller: Just...think about it. If you don't, I'll talk more about humping.
Ross Geller: Gimmie!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Judy Geller: Oh hi dear!
Rachel Green: Oh, thank you so much for coming. Ross, get in here!
Ross Geller: ...she came and dragged me out of the labor room to ask me why I'm not with Rachel.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Why aren't you with Rachel?
Ross Geller: Are you kidding? Look, we're not gonna be together just because we're having a baby. Okay?
Phoebe Buffay: But y'know what? It just seems that you two belong together.
Ross Geller: Okay, stop it! I can't deal with this right now. I have to go have a baby.
Phoebe Buffay: Right. And with who again?
Joey Tribbiani: God. He's crazy! Why doesn't he want to be with Rachel?
Phoebe Buffay: I know!
Joey Tribbiani: I mean seriously, she's like the perfect woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but if she hadn't and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and... I haven't bummed you guys out like this in a while have I?
Ross Geller: Hey. Who's that?
Rachel Green: New people.
Ross Geller: What happened to the Disgustingtons?
Rachel Green: They're having their baby! It's not fair Ross we got here first! Right after you left they wheeled her off into delivery. Oh but not before she gave me a juicy shot of little Jamie just crowning away.
Ross Geller: Wow! Sorry. So uh, how are the new people?
Rachel Green: Well they have uh, some unusual pet names for each other. Including umm, evil bitch and uh, sick bastard. Oh God oh! Contraction!
Ross Geller: Yeah? Okay.
Rachel Green: Ooh! Ow!!
Evil Bitch: Are you looking at her?!
Sick Bastard: No!
Evil Bitch: Don't you look at her you sick bastard!
Sick Bastard: Honey I swear! I wasn't looking at her!
Evil Bitch: She's in labor! You like that you sick son of a bitch!
Ross Geller: Umm. Umm, I'm-I'm just gonna-
Evil Bitch: See? See? It was because you were looking fat pervert!
Ross Geller: No-no, I'm...I'm sure no one was looking. Just want some privacy.
Evil Bitch: You miss your girlfriend?
Ross Geller: Just ignore them.
Rachel Green: Ross.
Ross Geller: What? What?
Rachel Green: He's looking at me.
Ross Geller: Hey! You wanna live to see your baby?!
Evil Bitch: Don't you talk to my husband like that you stupid bastard!
Monica Geller: Oh good God! If you want a baby so bad just go steal it!
Monica Geller: What is going on with you? Since when are you so crazy about babies?
Chandler Bing: I'm not crazy about babies. I'm crazy about us.
Monica Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: Look, we've always talked about having babies someday. I'm not saying it has to be right now, but I'm starting to think that we can handle it. We're good. We're really good.
Monica Geller: We are pretty good.
Chandler Bing: But nothing has to happen until your ready.
Monica Geller: Well maybe I'm ready now. I mean, it's a little scary, but maybe it's right.
Chandler Bing: What?! It's not right! We're not ready to have a kid now!!
Monica Geller: What?!!
Chandler Bing: I'm kidding. This is going to be fun.
Monica Geller: So we're gonna try? I mean, are we trying?
Chandler Bing: We're trying to get pregnant. Y'know I'm not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies. So, when do you want to start trying?
Monica Geller: Okay, hold on a sec.
Chandler Bing: Period math?
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Monica Geller: Well, we could start trying. Now.
Chandler Bing: Right here?
Monica Geller: No, not here. Maybe here.
Chandler Bing: Wait a minute, it's perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and we're in a building that's full of beds!
Monica Geller: And it's so clean!!
Joey Tribbiani: Come on you stupid machine! Come on!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it ate your money?
Joey Tribbiani: No.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, I'll see you downstairs then.
Joey Tribbiani: All right.
Phoebe Buffay: All right.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey I got one! I got one!
Man: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi.
Man: Oh uh, up or down?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh down please. I-I hate to be a ball buster can I just do it?
Man: Could you press up too please?
Phoebe Buffay: Sure! I feel so bad for you; I broke my leg once too.
Man: Oh yeah? How'd yours happen?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, it's a long story. It's kind of embarrassing. Let's just say there was a typographical error with a sex manual. How about you?
Man: Car accident.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Man: Oh, let me guess some idiot on a cell phone wasn't paying attention?
Man: Yeah. Me. Oh hey, that's me. Hey uh, I take it you're just visiting someone.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, yeah.
Man: Well umm, if you have sometime y'know and maybe you might want to visit someone else...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah! I-I would like that.
Man: I'm in the middle...
Phoebe Buffay: Wait! What?! No!! Elevator!! No!
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, you gotta press the button.
Ross Geller: The nurse said they're bringing in another woman.
Rachel Green: Ugh, is she pregnant yet? She doesn't need to be; she'll still have the baby before I do. Oh Ross, another contraction!
Ross Geller: That's it. That's it.
Woman: Oooh, that sounded like a bad one.
Rachel Green: Yeah it was.
Woman: Mine haven't been so bad. Oh! Here comes one now. Oh, that was a big one!
Phoebe Buffay: Excuse me? Could you help me with something? The patient I'm looking for has a broken leg and is in a wheelchair. And umm, he's like early to mid-thirties, very attractive.
Nurse: I think I know who you're talking about.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yay! Great! Okay, what room number is he in?
Nurse: I'm sorry, that information is restricted to hospital staff...
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, she's with me. Dr. Drake Remoray.
Nurse: Dr. Drake who?
Joey Tribbiani: Remoray. It's Portuguese. We need that information; I'm a doctor.
Nurse: A doctor at this hospital?
Joey Tribbiani: Damnit woman we're losing precious time! Now do you want this man's blood on your head?
Phoebe Buffay: Hands.
Joey Tribbiani: Hands! It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man my assistant described is staying in. He's a patient of mine, I've been treating him for years!
Nurse: He's in room 816.
Joey Tribbiani: 816, thank you!
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: And what is his name?
Phoebe Buffay: No!
Monica Geller: I think we found a place.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: Umm, wait! Do you want to set the mood a little?
Chandler Bing: Okay. Uh, we'll dim the lights, dim the lights. Or turn them out all together. Uh, no scented candles. Okay here. Here we go.
Monica Geller: Okay! Okay! Make me sterile, but okay.
Monica Geller: Okay. Let's hurry-Oh wait! Do we have a condom? Oh right!
Chandler Bing: Yes, 98.6. You're gonna be fine.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, this is it! Oh, that's him! That's him!
Joey Tribbiani: Great! Go get him.
Phoebe Buffay: Wait a second, or maybe you can go in first.
Joey Tribbiani: He's not really my type.
Phoebe Buffay: No not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. You can ask him questions and see what's he like. People tell doctors everything.
Joey Tribbiani: But you said he was this great guy!
Phoebe Buffay: But lately all the guys I meet seem really nice at first, then they turn out to be the biggest jerks.
Joey Tribbiani: You do attract some stinkers.


Rachel Green: Dr. Long, I've been at this for seventeen hours! Three women have come and gone with their babies, you gotta give me some good news! How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Dr. Long: Three.
Ross Geller: Just three?! I'm dilated three!
Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly. Don't worry, you're doing great. I'll be back soon.
Rachel Green: Hey, y'know what? I'm not waiting! I'm gonna push this baby out! I'm doing it! I mean it's what? Three centimeters? That's gotta be like this!
Ross Geller: Actually it's more like this.
Rachel Green: Oh stupid metric system!
Doctor: Oh my. We're gonna need to take you straight to the delivery room.
Rachel Green: Oh for the love of God!
Woman Giving Birth: It's coming! It's coming!
Doctor: And here it is!
Rachel Green: Oh come on!!
Joey Tribbiani: Hi! I'm Dr. Drake Remoray and I have a few routine questions I need to ask you.
Man: Really? I've been dealing with Dr. Wells.
Joey Tribbiani: I know, but I'm a neurologist. And just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so he sent me.
Man: Dr. Wells is a woman.
Joey Tribbiani: That was a test. Good response. All right, full name.
Man: Clifford Burnett.
Joey Tribbiani: Date of birth?
Cliff: November 16th, 1968.
Joey Tribbiani: Age?
Cliff: Can't you figure that out based on my date of birth?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm a doctor Cliff, not a mathematician.
Cliff: I'm 33.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. And uh, are you married.
Cliff: No.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh really? So, 33 and still single, would you say you have commitment issues?
Cliff: Are all the questions this personal?
Joey Tribbiani: Yes.
Cliff: Well uh if you must know I'm a widower.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh that's terrible. I'm-I'm really sorry.
Cliff: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Hmm. Do you sleep with women and never call them again?
Cliff: No.
Joey Tribbiani: Excellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff y'know, sexually?
Cliff: No!
Joey Tribbiani: Oooh, wrong answer.
Nurse: This room's available.
Rachel Green: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, that's four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! I'm next! It's my turn! It's only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me I'm going to sue you! Not this hospital, I'm going to sue you! And my husband he's a lawyer!
Ross Geller: Uh Rach...
Rachel Green: Go get back on that case honey!
Nurse: I don't think the next patient is very far along.
Rachel Green: Okay, well then bring her in.
Woman: OH...MY...GAWD!!!
Janice Litman Goralnik: I...can't...believe this!
Ross Geller: And yet somehow it's true!
Janice Litman Goralnik: I mean this is so great! We're gonna be baby buddies!
Ross Geller: Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby's ears!
Man: Hi sweetie!
Janice Litman Goralnik: Hi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband Sid, I don't think you've met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologist's office. Thank God for adult acne huh?
Sid Goralnik: I still can't believe it! I'm the luckiest guy in the world!
Ross Geller: Really?
Sid Goralnik: What'd he say?
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh y'know what? You have to speak very loudly when you're talking to Sid, because he's almost completely deaf.
Rachel Green: Oh!
Ross Geller: Oh there you go!
Rachel Green: I get it!
Janice Litman Goralnik: So? Congratulations you two, I didn't even know you got married.
Rachel Green: Oh we-we didn't.
Ross Geller: No-no. We...
Janice Litman Goralnik: What?!
Ross Geller: Um uh...We're-we're just having this baby together but uh, uh that's all.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Why?!!
Ross Geller: Uh well umm...we're just not in that place, y'know? But we're very excited about this.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh. Well then shut me up.
Rachel Green: Just tell me how.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Uh-oh, I feel another one coming.
Ross Geller: Sid you lucky deaf bastard.
Phoebe Buffay: What else? What else?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, well he's 33.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Ah-uh.
Joey Tribbiani: A widower.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Joey Tribbiani: He seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and he's not into anything weird sexually.
Phoebe Buffay: Enter Pheebs.
Chandler Bing: Should we tell Rachel there's an empty private room right next door to hers?
Monica Geller: We could, or we can have sex in it.
Chandler Bing: Well let me think about that, while I remove my pants!
Monica Geller: Okay mister! Fertilize me!
Monica Geller: Does that sound like Janice?
Chandler Bing: If it's not, then there's two of them. And that would mean it's the end of the world!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hi.
Rachel Green: Oh hi.
Monica Geller: I can't believe this is taking so long. How are you doing?
Rachel Green: Oh not bad. Do you know that feeling when you're trying to blow a Saint Bernard out your ass?
Chandler Bing: Weirdest thing. Did I hear-Mother of God it's true!
Janice Litman Goralnik: Chandler Bing!
Chandler Bing: Jan-Janice!
Ross Geller: Not just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting and everything.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, this should be easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember Chandler.
Chandler Bing: Janice I didn't even know you were pregnant! Who's the unwitting human who's essence you've stolen?
Janice Litman Goralnik: It's you. This is yours.
Chandler Bing: What?!
Janice Litman Goralnik: Look how nervous he gets! We haven't slept together in years!
Chandler Bing: That's funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay I've got one for you, if you had too which one would you rather eat, a seeing eye dog or a talking gorilla?
Cliff: I'd have to say...the talking gorilla, because at least I can explain to him that you're making me eat him.
Phoebe Buffay: Somebody went to college. Wow. What is it? I'm sorry.
Cliff: No, I'm sorry. It's just my foot itches like crazy.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'll get it.
Cliff: Wow! I usually get to know a girl a little better before I let her spoon me.
Phoebe Buffay: Relax, it's not like we're forking.
Rachel Green: Oh that's five Ross. Five women have had five babies! And I have had no babies! Why doesn't she want to come out?
Ross Geller: Y'know what I think it is? I think you've made such a nice home for her over the last nine months that she just doesn't want to leave.
Rachel Green: Oh. Look at you making up crap for me. Oh God!
Dr. Long: Twenty-one hours, you're a hero.
Rachel Green: Doctor you gotta do something! I think you gotta give me drugs or you gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out.
Dr. Long: Actually, I think you're ready to go to the delivery room.
Rachel Green: What?
Dr. Long: Ten centimeters, you're about to become a mom.
Rachel Green: My God. Okay. Ha-ha-ha beat ya! Sucker!
Cliff: Is this the same spoon that was in my cast?
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know what? This one is.
Cliff: Oh my God! That's the doctor who was in my room before!
Phoebe Buffay: Huh. Okay, Mr. Perkazet.
Cliff: I'm telling you! The guy from that show was here in my room, asking me all these weird questions!
Phoebe Buffay: Cliff, do you really believe that a character from a TV show was here in your room?
Joey Tribbiani: Rachel's having her baby!! Which is of no interest to me, I'm a neurologist.
Cliff: That-that's him! You know him?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Okay. I-Okay umm...this...I-I sent my friend Joey in here to find out stuff about you. Umm y'know, if it helps you came off great. A lot better than I'm coming off right now.
Cliff: I don't believe this. You got him to pretend he was some fake doctor?
Joey Tribbiani: Fake? Excuse me? Hello?
Cliff: And then you tried to make me think that I was crazy.
Phoebe Buffay: You're right, that was wrong. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's just that I liked you so much. Can we just, can we just start over?
Cliff: I don't think so.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, if I may? Umm-umm look, Cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right? And maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if you knew some personal stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Uh, she gave birth to her brother's triplets. Oh! Oh! Her-her twin sister used to do porn!
Phoebe Buffay: Uh Joey, we're trying to dial down the crazy.
Joey Tribbiani: Right!
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, look we don't, we don't really know each other so it would be really easy to just forget about this, but there seems to be something between us. And I don't know about you but that doesn't happen to me a lot.
Cliff: It doesn't happen to me either.
Joey Tribbiani: Me neither.
Dr. Long: Push. Push. Come on push for five seconds. 5...4...
Rachel Green: 3-2-1 oh!!
Dr. Long: Okay, the next contraction should be in about twenty seconds.
Rachel Green: I can't. I can't push anymore, I can't.
Ross Geller: Sweetie you're doing great.
Rachel Green: Oh God twenty seconds my ass!!
Dr. Long: Here we go! Okay, keep pushing! Wait! I see something.
Ross Geller: What? You do? You do? Oh my God!
Rachel Green: Don't say, "Oh my God!" Oh my God what?
Ross Geller: What is that?
Dr. Long: It's the baby's buttock, she's breech.
Ross Geller: Oh thank God, I thought she had two heads.
Rachel Green: Oh God. Is she gonna be okay?
Dr. Long: She's gonna be fine. Okay, she's in a more difficult position so you're gonna have to push even harder now. Go! Push!
Ross Geller: Go!
Dr. Long: Rachel you're gonna have to push even harder, nothing's happening!
Rachel Green: I'm sorry, I can't!
Ross Geller: Yes you can!
Rachel Green: I can't!
Ross Geller: Hey! Hey! Come on! You can! I know you can do this! Let's go!
Rachel Green: I can't. Please, you do it for me.
Ross Geller: No! Come on let's-One more time! One final push! Ready? 1...2...3!
Dr. Long: Good!
Ross Geller: Keep pushing!
Rachel Green: Are you okay?
Ross Geller: You have no idea how much this hurts. Keep going! Keep going!
Dr. Long: Here we go!
Ross Geller: Oh! Oh! She's upside down but she's coming! She's coming!
Rachel Green: Oh God!
Ross Geller: Oh! Oh my God oh! Oh my God she's here.
Ross Geller: Oh she's...she's perfect.
Rachel Green: Oh, she's so tiny. Where'd she go?
Ross Geller: Oh it's okay. They're just-they're just wrapping her up.
Rachel Green: Okay. Well be careful with her, she's really tiny.
Dr. Long: Here she is!
Rachel Green: Oh hey you. Thanks for coming out of me. I know. Oh. Yeah. Oh, she's looking at me. Hi! I know you.
Dr. Long: Do we have a name yet?
Rachel Green: No, not yet.
Dr. Long: That's fine, for now we'll just call her Baby Girl Green.
Rachel Green: Oh no, Baby Girl Geller-Green.
Rachel Green: Hello baby girl.
Phoebe Buffay: Can we come in?
Ross Geller: Oh, come in.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: There she is!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, she's so beautiful.
Rachel Green: Here.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! She's amazing. Oh, oh I'm so glad you guys got drunk and had sex!
Chandler Bing: It's incredible, I mean one minute she's inside you and then 47 hours later here she is.
Joey Tribbiani: She looks so real! Y'know what I mean! She's this whole tiny little person. She already has eyelashes and knees and...uh-oh.
Rachel Green: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh no-no, no for I second there I counted six fingers, but one was from the other hand so we're good.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, my turn. My turn. Oh! You're so cute! Oh, I could squeeze your little head! I won't.
Monica Geller: What's the matter?
Rachel Green: Oh nothing I... Sorry, I just can't stop crying.
Ross Geller: The doctor says it's completely normal with all the hormones. Plus, you-you're sleep deprived.
Rachel Green: So? You guys are all sleep deprived. I don't see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh God.
Joey Tribbiani: What's the matter now?
Rachel Green: I was reliving it.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohhh.
Chandler Bing: So, do you know what you're gonna call her yet?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, wait a minute it's not gonna be Baby Girl? I thought that was so original!
Ross Geller: Uh actually, we-we've narrowed it down to two names.
Rachel Green: Yeah, and y'know what? I love them both, so why don't you just pick one and that'll be it.
Ross Geller: Wow! Umm, okay uh...everyone...this...is Isabella. What?
Rachel Green: That's not her name! I'm sorry, she just doesn't feel like an Isabella.
Chandler Bing: So then I guess Ferdinad is out.
Joey Tribbiani: What was the other one Ross?
Ross Geller: Umm, Delilah.
Rachel Green: Oh great! Suddenly she sounds like a biblical whore.
Ross Geller: So I guess we're back to uh, Baby Girl.
Phoebe Buffay: Yay!
Rachel Green: Well what are we going to do?
Monica Geller: It's okay honey, you'll find a name.
Ross Geller: Ugh, easy for you to say, you already know what your kids names are going to be.
Chandler Bing: You do?
Monica Geller: Yeah, I've had them picked out since I was fourteen.
Chandler Bing: Oh no, it's gonna be named after some snack or baked good isn't it?
Rachel Green: Well tell us! What are they?
Monica Geller: Umm, okay. If it's a boy it's Daniel.
Rachel Green: And if it's a girl?
Monica Geller: I don't want to say.
Rachel Green: Oh, just tell us! We're not gonna want it!
Monica Geller: Okay. It's Emma.
Rachel Green: Emma! See? I don't want it.
Monica Geller: Take it.
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller: It's clearly an Emma.
Rachel Green: Oh honey, but you love that name.
Monica Geller: Yeah, but I love you more. Besides y'know, nothing goes with Bing. So I'm screwed. I mean... Oh, hi Emma. Yeah, that's you. You're our little Em. Oh what's that honey? What? Oh, you want a little cousin? You want a cousin right now?!
Chandler Bing: That was amazing.
Monica Geller: I know. Hey, do you realize we may have just changed our lives forever? We may have just started a family. Nine months from now we can be here, having our own baby.
Chandler Bing: And if not, we got to do it on a bucket.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Yoo-hoo! Aaron Litman-Neurolic would like to say hello to his future bride.
Rachel Green: Ohhh! Wow! He kinda takes your breath away doesn't he?
Janice Litman Goralnik: He's a keeper. How are you feeling?
Rachel Green: Oh, I'm fine.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Can I just say, I really admire what you're doing. Just raising her all alone.
Rachel Green: Oh, I'm not doing it alone. I have Ross.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married?
Rachel Green: Well then he gets a divorce, it's Ross!
Janice Litman Goralnik: I'm telling you Rachel, listen to Janice. They all say they're gonna be there until they start their real family.
Rachel Green: Well I-That's never gonna happen with Ross.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh well that's what I thought about my first husband, now I'm lucky if my kid gets to spend the weekend with her father and the twins and little Ms. New Boobs.
Rachel Green: Really?
Janice Litman Goralnik: I hate to be the one to say it, but honey you two are on your own.
Rachel Green: Well... That's...y'know-That's-We've been alone for the last twenty minutes we're doing okay. Besides y'know what? I-I-Maybe we won't be alone, 'cause lately I-I-things have been happening between me and Ross, y'know? Right before I went into labor, we-we had this kiss. Y'know? So it might be the...the beginning of something.
Ross Geller: Hey Janice!
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh hi!
Ross Geller: Who's this little guy?
Janice Litman Goralnik: Say hello to Aaron, your future son-in-law.
Ross Geller: No-no. No.
Janice Litman Goralnik: I'm gonna leave the three of you alone.
Ross Geller: Okay.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Bye.
Ross Geller: Man! Did you see the kid on that nose?
Rachel Green: Uh-huh. Y'know what I was, I was thinking about?
Ross Geller: Huh?
Rachel Green: Umm...that kiss before we left the apartment. That was some-something huh?
Ross Geller: Yeah. Yeah, it really was. But we...we gotta be careful. We...we can't let that happen again, y'know?
Rachel Green: Right.
Ross Geller: I mean we don't want to go down that road do we?
Rachel Green: No! No, of course not. No. That's why I brought it up. They didn't have any sodas?
Ross Geller: Oh my God! I'm sorry, I was talking to this nurse, completely forgot.
Rachel Green: That's all right. And so it begins.
Phoebe Buffay: Is she in there?
Ross Geller: Yeah. She's putting her down now, that's her.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh!
Ross Geller: Look at Emma!
Phoebe Buffay: I just can't decide who she looks more alike, you or Rachel?
Ross Geller: Oh what are you kidding? She's gorgeous, it's all Rachel.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, for the last time, why aren't you two together again? No, I know. I know, because you're not in that place. Which would be fine, except you totally are.
Ross Geller: It's...it's complicated okay?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah that's true. Yeah, you love her. You always have. You have a child together. There is no right answer.
Ross Geller: Look, we've been together. Okay? And then apart, and then together, and then apart, and now we have a baby. It's just if-if we got together again and it didn't work out...I could never do that to Emma. I mean she-she thinking everything- Oh that's...now me. What do they put something in the water in this place? Since Rachel and I we're doing really, we're doing really well right now.
Phoebe Buffay: I know. I know. I know. I know, and if you try to make it more you might wreck it.
Ross Geller: Yeah, exactly.
Phoebe Buffay: Right. Or you might get everything you've wanted since you were fifteen.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey. I just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time; it is like a freak show up here. What's the matter?
Rachel Green: Nothing.
Joey Tribbiani: What is it? Hey!
Rachel Green: Really it's nothing. I'm just...
Joey Tribbiani: Rach come on, what?
Rachel Green: I've just been thinking about how my baby and I are gonna be all alone.
Joey Tribbiani: What are you talking about alone? What about Ross?
Rachel Green: Oh please, he'll be with his real family, the twins and little miss new boobs.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, how long was I watching that woman?
Rachel Green: I'm just saying that y'know, someday Ross is gonna meet somebody and...he's gonna have his own life. Right?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I guess so.
Rachel Green: I just never thought I would raise this baby all by myself. Pretty dumb huh?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, listen to me, listen to me...you are never ever gonna be alone. Okay? I promise that's not gonna happen.
Rachel Green: Joey. Honey what would I do without you?
Joey Tribbiani: You don't have to worry about that okay?
Rachel Green: Oh, hon can you grab me my other box of tissues? They're right on that chair under Ross's coat.
Joey Tribbiani: Sure.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: My God.
Rachel Green: Joey.
Rachel Green: Oh my God. Okay.