Monica Geller: Okay, great! Bye. So guess who's coming to Thanksgiving dinner?
Chandler Bing: Sydney Portier? Hehheh.
Monica Geller: I miss Rachel. No, my parents.
Chandler Bing: Oh! That's great, they haven't seen the place since I moved in!
Monica Geller: Yeah, and y'know, if you could not mention to them that we live together, that would be great! , I was thinking we would eat around four.
Chandler Bing: Why can't I tell them that we live together?
Monica Geller: Because they don't know we're dating. Do you think we should eat in the kitchen?
Chandler Bing: Why haven't you told them?!
Monica Geller: Um, well, I was going to, I-I-I really was. But um, then somewhere, just out of nowhere, I didn't.
Chandler Bing: Why haven't you told them?! Wouldn't they be happy?!
Monica Geller: So! Dinner in the kitchen around four! I'll see you then.
Chandler Bing: Why wouldn't they be happy?
Monica Geller: Well, um, because mainly, um, they don't like you. I'm sorry.
Chandler Bing: What? What? Why?!
Monica Geller: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or that you're really sarcastic, or that, y'know, you joke around all the time. Or that you take off your clothes and throw them on the couch.
Chandler Bing: Is this why they don't like me or why you don't like me?
Monica Geller: Look, I know that I should've told them. I know I shouldn't care what they think. I'm sorry.
Chandler Bing: Y'know, it'll be okay. It'll be okay. Because when they come over, I will be all charming, I will make them fall in love with me, and then we'll tell 'em.
Monica Geller: You really think that'll work?
Chandler Bing: Hey, I can be pretty charming, babe, I won YOU over, didn't I?
Monica Geller: I don't think you'll ever get my parents that drunk!
Chandler Bing: Hey! Oh, good, Ross! You're parents like me, right?
Ross Geller: Yes, of course they like you!
Chandler Bing: Well Monica just told me that they don't.
Ross Geller: Yeah, they don't like you.
Chandler Bing: Do you know why?
Ross Geller: I dunno, maybe it's because you're really sarcastic. Or maybe it's cause you uh-
Chandler Bing: Well if people don't know they shouldn't just guess!
Chandler Bing: This is great, another Thanksgiving with nothing to give thanks for.
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe I could give thanks for you shuttin' up, eh?
Chandler Bing: Maybe I could give thanks by taking my Playstation over to my new apartment.
Joey Tribbiani: Well maybe I love ya'.
Chandler Bing: .
Janine Lecroix: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Janine Lecroix: Hey guys!
Ross Geller: No I don't want to play video games, Joey!
Janine Lecroix: Are you guys going to Chandler's for Thanksgiving?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Yeah, why? What's up?
Janine Lecroix: Well, me and my dancer friends are thinking of doing Thanksgiving uptown. I thought you guys might like to come.
Ross Geller: For real?
Janine Lecroix: No, but you should go to Chandler's. Because none of us knows how to cook, we'll probably just end up drinking all day.
Joey Tribbiani: Ye-ye, we go to yours!
Ross Geller: Yeah, see, we-we-we have to stop across the hall, because it's my sister. But, uh, uh y'know actually, growing up with a sister was nice because it really helped me understand women. Yeah, you-you should tell your friends that.
Janine Lecroix: Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: How you got three women to marry you, I'll never know.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Everyone: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey! Hey, Pheebs, check it out. Yeah, for my desert, I have chosen to make a traditional English truffle!
Phoebe Buffay: Wow, that sounds great! And what are you making Monica, in case Rachel's dessert is... so good that I eat all of it. There's none left for anybody else!
Monica Geller: Nothing.
Rachel Green: Nothing?
Monica Geller: No, sweetie, I-I trust you.
Rachel Green: So, if-if I mess this up, there's nothing else for dessert?
Monica Geller: You're not gonna mess it up.
Rachel Green: Wow, Monica, I love that, you really have faith in me. Thank you. Technical question, how do you know when uh, the butter's done?
Monica Geller: Well, it's done about two minutes before it looks like that.
Everyone: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, ooh the food smells great, Mon!
Ross Geller: And the place looks so nice!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, hey hey, Happy Thanksgiving everybody!
Ross Geller: Happy Thanksgiving!
The Girls: Happy Thanksgiving!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, this has been great!
Ross Geller: See ya!
Monica Geller: Whoa whoa whoa! Where're you goin'?
Ross Geller: Oh, oh, we did say we'd stop by this little thing Joey's roommate is having.
Monica Geller: Oh, Janine, the really hot dancer girl?
Ross Geller: Some would say she's attractive, yes.
Phoebe Buffay: And who else is going to be there?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, some of her friends, yeah.
Rachel Green: Her dancer friends?
Joey Tribbiani: Yes, all right? All of her hot dancer friends are gonna be there and they're gonna be, be drinkin' and dancin, and we really wanna go!
Ross Geller: Dude, we were good!
Monica Geller: You're not gonna go anywhere, you said you were gonna eat here, and you're gonna eat here!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, and-and leaving us to go see hot dancer girls is not very Thanksgivingy.
Ross Geller: Oh, but-but it is, uh, it's just like the first Thanksgiving, when the Indians and the Pilgrims uh, sat down to dinner.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah, and the Indians taught the Pilgrims what it meant to be hot in the new world!
Judy Geller: Hello everybody!
Jack Geller: Hi!
Everyone: Hi!
Monica Geller: Dad , Mom . Look! Look who it is it's Chandler!
Judy Geller: Oh yes of course, hello Chandler.
Chandler Bing: Mr. and Mrs. Geller, you look wonderful, it is great to have you hear, let us take off your coats!
Chandler Bing: Whoa, snowing out there?
Jack Geller: No.
Jack Geller: Monica, all this food looks wonderful, you should think about doing this for a living.
Jack Geller: Ok, I have dandruff. There's no need to laugh and point.
Monica Geller: Dad, Chandler was just laughing at your joke.
Jack Geller: My joke wasn't funny.
Phoebe Buffay: Rach, Rach, I just remembered. I had a dream about Mr. Geller last night.
Rachel Green: Really?!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I dreamt that he saved me from a burning building and he was so brave and so strong! And it's making me look at him totally differently. Y'know, I mean he used to be just, y'know "Jack Geller Monica and Ross's dad" and now he's he's "Jack Geller, dream hunk."
Rachel Green: I dunno. Y'know to me he'll always be "Jack Geller, walks in while you're changing."
Monica Geller: Y'know dad, Chandler is one of Ross's very best friends!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, Ross sure is a great guy, y'know I've always felt that how a young man turns out is a reflection on his father.
Jack Geller: I always thought that too. Tell me, what does your father do?
Chandler Bing: He's the headliner of a gay burlesque show.
Joey Tribbiani: Rach, you're killin' us here, will ya serve the dessert already? Those drunken dancers are waiting!
Rachel Green: Look at it, isn't it beautiful?
Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah, what is it?
Rachel Green: It's a truffle. It's got all of these layers. First there's a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch, then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sauteed with peas and onions, then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top!
Ross Geller: W-What was the one right before bananas?
Rachel Green: The beef? Yeah, that was weird to me, too. But then, y'know, I thought "well, there's mincemeat pie," I mean that's an English dessert, these people just put very strange things in their food, y'know. Oh! by the way, can I borrow some Rum from your place?
Joey Tribbiani: Y-sure!
Rachel Green: And while I'm gone don't you boys sneak a taste.
Ross Geller: Beef in a dessert?! I- no no no, there is no way!
Joey Tribbiani: I know, and only one layer of jam?! What is up with that?
Ross Geller: Oh my God, the pages are stuck together!
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler!
Ross Geller: Oh My God, she-she made half a English Trifle, and half a...Sheperd's Pie!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh man! Now she's gonna start all over! We're never gonna get to introduce the hot girls to the new world!
Ross Geller: No, no, we will. We just won't tell her she messed up.
Joey Tribbiani: Just let her serve the beef-custard thing?
Ross Geller: Yeah, it'll be like a funny Thanksgiving story!
Joey Tribbiani: Vomiting stories are funny...
Rachel Green: Joey, God, your apartment is like a hundred degrees!
Joey Tribbiani: Did-did it make you wanna walk around in your underwear?
Rachel Green: No!
Joey Tribbiani: Still not hot enough!
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel?
Rachel Green: Yeah?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, look at him. Look at those strong hands. Oh what I wouldn't give to be that can of condensed milk.
Monica Geller: Mom, uh, Chandler was just saying how beautiful your sweater is.
Judy Geller: Oh, thank you Chandler! I just bought it.
Chandler Bing: Oh, yes. Well it's very beautiful. It's cream-colored and tight I don't mean tight, I mean it's not too tight, not that I was looking at-
Jack Geller: What's the matter with him?
Judy Geller: I think he's stoned again.
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: What?
Ross Geller: Dude, I need to talk to you a sec.
Ross Geller: Okay, I think I might know why my parents don't like you.
Chandler Bing: You do? Why?
Ross Geller: Okay, remember, we were young. Hey, Spring break, sophomore year, I got high in my bedroom and my parents walked in and smelled it and so I told them that you had gotten stoned and jumped out the window.
Chandler Bing: What?! Why did you do that?
Ross Geller: I don't know, aheh, your's was the first name that-that popped into my head, I'm I'm sorry. I-I didn't think it would matter.
Chandler Bing: How could it not matter?!
Ross Geller: How was I supposed to know we'd end up being friends after college, let alone you-you would be living with my sister?
Chandler Bing: What about all that "friends forever" stuff?
Ross Geller: I don't know, I-I was all high.
Monica Geller: Mom and dad just sent me in here to find out if you were trying to get Ross stoned!
Chandler Bing: Your parents caught Ross smoking pot in college and he blamed it on me!
Monica Geller: Ross, I can't believe you'd do that!
Chandler Bing: The reason we haven't told them we're together is because they hate me, okay? So will you fix this?
Ross Geller: Okay, okay, I'll tell 'em it wasn't Chandler who got high. Now who should I say it was?
Monica Geller: You! It's not like it's a big deal! You-you don't still do it or anything!
Ross Geller: Alright, alright, now-now who should I say tricked me into doing it?
Monica Geller: Dad, please don't pick your teeth out here! Alright, and if you're gonna put your feet up, why don't you sit on the-
Phoebe Buffay: Monica, leave him alone!
Joey Tribbiani: Will you hurry up? Did you not hear me before when I told you that all of Janine's friends are dancers?! And that they're going to be drinking alot!?
Rachel Green: No, I did, but tell me again, because it's so romantic.
Joey Tribbiani: Well you're whippin' so slow! Can't you do it any faster?
Rachel Green: Joey! Come on! I don't wanna make any mistakes, alright? This is the only dessert and if I screw it up everybody's gonna be like "Oh, remember that Thanksgiving when Rachel screwed up the trifle?"
Rachel Green: So why don't you just let me worry about making the trifle and you just worry about eating it, alright?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh I am!
Monica Geller: Ross, if you don't tell them, then I will!
Ross Geller: Okay, fine!
Joey Tribbiani: Ross! Can I talk to you for a second?
Ross Geller: Oh, uh, can it wait a second Joey? I have to tell my parents something. No it can't? Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, look, I think we have to tell Rachel she messed up her dessert.
Ross Geller: What?! What is with everybody? It's Thanksgiving, not...Truth-Day!
Joey Tribbiani: Look, when everyone eats that...that...Banana-Meat thing, they're all gonna' make fun of her, do you want that?
Ross Geller: Okay, okay, we'll just get everyone to act like they like it. That-that way noone makes fun of her and we still get to go to Sweet Potatoe Pie!
Joey Tribbiani: Dude, they're not objects.
Joey Tribbiani: Just kiddin,' I'll talk to them, you distract Rach.
Ross Geller: Hey Rach, can I talk to you outside for a second?
Rachel Green: Okay...
Rachel Green: What's up, Ross?
Ross Geller: So um...Thanksgiving. The holiday season is upon us, hm?
Rachel Green: Yeah!
Ross Geller: And um...You look nice today.
Rachel Green: Oh no. No Ross, don't do this.
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: I just- I don't think us getting back together is a good idea.
Ross Geller: Eh?
Rachel Green: I thought this might happen today. Ross, I know the holidays can be rough. Y'know? And it's probably really hard for you to be alone right now.
Ross Geller: You're alone.
Rachel Green: No, I-I live with Phoebe. I mean you're alone, alone. And I just-it's just not the time for us. I'm sorry.
Ross Geller: Ah well, can't blame a guy for trying!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh and Okay, and uh if anyone needs help pretending to like it, I learned something in acting class, try uh, rubbing your stomach or uh, or saying "mmm" and uh, oh oh! And smiling , okay?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I'm not gonna pay for those acting classes anymore.
Joey Tribbiani: Rachel, there you are! Come on, let's serve that dessert already!
Rachel Green: Joey, you're gonna have to stop rushing me, you know what? You don't get any dessert.
Joey Tribbiani: Really?
Rachel Green: No, I'm just kidding I would never do that to you! Okay, everybody, it's trifle time!
Phoebe Buffay: So, now, Rach, this is a traditional English trifle, isn't it?
Rachel Green: It sure is.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow. So then did you make it with beef or Eggplant?
Rachel Green: Beef.
Phoebe Buffay: I can't have any. You know I don't eat meat. Ohhh no.
Rachel Green: Alright, Monica, I want you to have the first taste.
Monica Geller: Really?
Rachel Green: Oh oh oh, wait! You only got whipped cream in there! Ya gotta take a bite with all the layers!
Monica Geller: Okay.
Rachel Green: Op! Wait, you dropped a pea.
Rachel Green: Well?
Monica Geller: Mmmm! It's good!
Rachel Green: Really? How good?
Monica Geller: It's so good, that I feel really selfish about being the only one who's eating it, that I think we should have everyone taste how good it is. Especially Ross.
Everyone: Mmm.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, this is so good, that I'm gonna go enjoy it on the balcony so that I can enjoy the view whilst I enjoy my dessert.
Judy Geller: I've gotta call my friend Mary and tell her how good this is, from Monica's room.
Jack Geller: I'll help you dial.
Monica Geller: I'm gonna go into the bathroom so I can look at it in the mirror, as I eat it.
Rachel Green: Okay, now what was that all about? Is it-does it not taste good? Let me try it.
Ross Geller: Wha? No no! Ah! All gone! So good! Maybe Chandler has some left.
Ross Geller: It tastes like feet!
Joey Tribbiani: I like it.
Ross Geller: Are you kidding?
Joey Tribbiani: What's not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Gooooood.
Rachel Green: ...So a bird just grabbed it, and then tried to fly away with it and, and then just dropped it on the street?
Chandler Bing: Yes, but if it's any consolation, before the bird dropped it, he seemed to enjoy it.
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel, come here. Okay, I was just starting to take my Thanksgiving nap, and I had another dream about Jack.
Rachel Green: Oh, Phoebe, do I wanna hear this?
Phoebe Buffay: I dunno, let's see! So, okay, I dreamt that we were gonna get married, and he left, becuz he had to go fight a fire. And, um, so okay, I went to a night club, and I saw him making out with a girl.
Rachel Green: Oh my God, he dream-cheated on you!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but then Jacques Cousteau came and he kicked his ass for betraying me! It was soo cool! Then, he took me diving and he introduced me to his pet seahorse, who, by the way, was totally coming on to me, and please, that is not gonna happen.
Jack Geller: Boy, I'm glad I wore the big belt today.
Phoebe Buffay: Five minutes ago, a line like that would've floored me. Now nothing. Well, not nothing, I am still a woman.
Monica Geller: Ross? Let's go.
Ross Geller: Oh yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about maybe writing a letter.
Monica Geller: Alright, you know what? That's it. You've had your chance.
Ross Geller: Wha-what?
Monica Geller: Mom! Dad! Ross smoked pot in college!
Ross Geller: You are such a tattletale! Mom, Dad, you remember that-that time you walked in my room and smelled marijuana?
Ross Geller: Well I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot but it was me. I'm sorry.
Judy Geller: It was you?
Monica Geller: And Dad, y'know that mailman that you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys! Ross did!
Ross Geller: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did!
Monica Geller: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year!
Ross Geller: Monica and Chandler are living together!
Monica Geller: Ross married Rachel in Vegas! And got divorced! Again!!!!
Phoebe Buffay: I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel Green: I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!
Joey Tribbiani: I wanna gooooooo!
Judy Geller: That's alot of information to get in in thirty seconds! Alright Joey, if wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you were in an important relationship is beyond me.
Jack Geller: And we kinda figured about the porch swing.
Judy Geller: Ross, drugs? Divorced? Again?
Jack Geller: What happened son?
Ross Geller: I-I uh, I got tricked into all those things!
Judy Geller: Chandler! You've been Ross's best friend all these years, stuck by him during the drug problems. And now you've taken on Monica as well. Well, I don't know what to say. You're a wonderful human being.
Chandler Bing: Thank you!
Jack Geller: No! Thank you! Monica, and Ross! I don't know what I'm gonna do about the two of you!
Chandler Bing: I'll talk to them!
Rachel Green: You guys! It was bananas, cream, and beef! I-I just cannot believe that you ate that so that I wouldn't feel bad!
Monica Geller: Well actually, I-I didn't eat mine. It's still in the bathroom.
Joey Tribbiani: No it isn't, I ate that.
Judy Geller: Well we left ours in Monica's bedroom.
Joey Tribbiani: Nope, got it and I got yours too.


Chandler Bing: Let me ask you, why is everybody using these tiny lights nowadays? I remember when people used to use big lights.
Rachel Green: That's a good story, Grandpa.
Ross Geller: Hey
Everyone: Hey
Ross Geller: Wow, Monica's letting other people help decorate her tree! Did someone get her drunk again or?
Monica Geller: Having a perfectly decorated tree is not what Christmas is about. It's about being with the people that you love.
Phoebe Buffay: That is nice and we're done. TADA!
Chandler Bing: I dunno what it is, it just doesn't quite feel like Christmas to me.
Monica Geller: Oh, here.
Chandler Bing: See now it feels like Christmas!
Ross Geller: ... and that's the story of the dreidle. Now, some people trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into their huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolising life's triumph over death. And that was like 4000 years ago.
Rachel Green: So, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey you guys.
Chandler Bing: Hey Joe what's up?
Joey Tribbiani: I had to get out of the apartment. Janine is like stretching all over the place. Y'know, everywhere I look she's like...
Chandler Bing: I can see why that's hard to resist.
Joey Tribbiani: I like her so much!
Monica Geller: Aw, I'm sorry sweetie that she doesn't feel the same way.
Joey Tribbiani: I know. And she's so sweet. I just wanna feed her grapes and brush her hair.
Chandler Bing: You are aware that she's not a monkey, right?
Ross Geller: I am so over Janine. I mean, yeah, at first I thought she was hot, but now she's like OLD NEWS!
Janine Lecroix: Hey guys!
Ross Geller: Hi Janine!
Janine Lecroix: I just got a call to be a dancer on a television special for New Year's Eve. It's called some sort of Dick'n Rock'n Dickie Eve.
Monica Geller: Hold it! Are you talking about Dick Clark's New Year's Rocking Eve?
Janine Lecroix: Yeah, that's what I said.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! We love that show! I mean Ross and I have been watching it since I can remember!
Chandler Bing: Ah, you're still just a little fat girl inside aren't you?
Janine Lecroix: Well I'm gonna be on it this year. I'm gonna be one of the party people.
Ross Geller: You're gonna be a party person! Those guys rock the most!
Janine Lecroix: Well they said I should bring someone. Do you wanna be my dance partner?
Joey Tribbiani: Totally! I would love to spend New Year's with you.
Janine Lecroix: Well actually they're taping tomorrow. I don't really understand why.
Ross Geller: Oh, well you see how it works is, the part with Dick Clark in Times Square is actually live, but they tape some of the party stuff ahead of time. Yeah, not a lot of people know that.
Janine Lecroix: Yeah well, do you guys wanna come too?
Ross Geller: Are you serious?
Monica Geller: We are there!
Chandler Bing: What, what are you laughing at?
Rachel Green: Well, I used to date him, but you're still going out with her!
Janine Lecroix: Thanks. Great so we can all go together! I gotta run. Catch you later!
Everyone: Bye!
Ross Geller: Bye Janine!
Joey Tribbiani: Did she just ask me out on a date?
Chandler Bing: I don't think so.
Monica Geller: What are you talking about? She just invited him to the biggest party of the millennium!
Rachel Green: Yeah, but she also invited you and Ross. Yeah, honey, I'm sorry, but I don't think that was a romantic thing.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Maybe. But hey I know how I can find out. We're going to a New Year's Eve party, right? So at midnight, I can kiss her. And if she kisses me back, great! Y'know? But if she says 'Dude, what the hell are you doing?' I can say 'It wasn't me, it was New Years!'
Rachel Green: Well, that's a lot better than Ross trying to kiss me in High School, and saying that he did it because he needed chapstick.
Ross Geller: It was a dry day.
Monica Geller: We are going to Dick Clark's New Year's Rocking Eve!
Ross Geller: Oh my God!
Monica Geller: Oh my God!
Chandler Bing: Oh my God!
Joey Tribbiani: OK, listen I've been on sets before, so let me give you a little advice, alright? It's a show, but we're just dancing, OK? It's no big deal. The important thing to remember – stay cool.
Ross Geller: Got it!
Ross Geller: Oh my God it's just like I dreamed it!
Director: OK, everyone gather up.
Director: Here's what's gonna happen. The music's gonna start, you're gonna dance, we're gonna tape, you don't look at the camera. Any questions?
Ross Geller: Yeah, I have a question. When is this gonna air?
Director: Uh, yeah. Now you guys dance over there, you guys over there, and I want you two right around here, and everyone else spread out.
Joey Tribbiani: Ross! So when is it gonna air?
Rachel Green: Okay, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet.
Chandler Bing: I can save you time ladies, I'm right here.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, Chandler why don't you take a walk? This doesn't concern you.
Rachel Green: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.
Chandler Bing: What? That's terrible!
Phoebe Buffay: No-no, we do it every year!
Chandler Bing: Oh well, that makes it not terrible.
Phoebe Buffay: No, yeah, we never find them! She's always best at us that wily minx.
Rachel Green: Don't worry, we're just gonna search here for an hour, them we're gonna go over to Joey's and search, OK?
Chandler Bing: No not okay, you can't look for Monica's presents!
Phoebe Buffay: But we have to!
Chandler Bing: No, you don't have to, and you can't because I live here too.
Phoebe Buffay: Well then, you should look with us.
Chandler Bing: Why?
Rachel Green: Chandler, aren't you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?
Chandler Bing: No, I have a great idea for a present for her.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, that's it? A great idea!
Rachel Green: Chandler, that's not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you've just gotten her one great present? I mean that's just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why?
Chandler Bing: If I help, we can find 'em faster!
Rachel Green: That's right!
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh ooh, we have a live one!
Rachel Green: Oh, it's a Macy's bag!
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, who's it for?
Rachel Green: Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-oh. She may be onto us.
Rachel Green: We are so gonna find them this year.
Chandler Bing: Y'know when you guys said you were gonna go across the hall and look, you don't, you don't do that every year do you?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: You don't, like go into the back of my closet, and look under my gym bag or anything?
Chandler Bing: Because that's where Joey gave me some stuff to store that I've never seen before in my life! Okay, that did not just happen!
Monica Geller: Okay, here comes another camera.
Ross Geller: Right. No biggie. Stay loose.
Ross Geller: Why do they keep doing that?
Monica Geller: If we wanna get on camera, I think we have to get up on one of those platforms. They've been taping those people up there all day.
Ross Geller: Right.
Ross Geller: Hey, what'd you guys do to get up on there?
Girl: We learned how to dance.
Monica Geller: Oh yeah? Well when you learned how to dance did you forget how to put on underpants?
Ross Geller: Yeah!
Janine Lecroix: Hey! You're a good dancer!
Joey Tribbiani: Really?
Janine Lecroix: Yeah, well you'd be better if you just loosened your hips a little.
Joey Tribbiani: What do you mean?
Janine Lecroix: Like this.
Janine Lecroix: That's it, feel the rhythm. That's better.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh-huh.
Director: Okay, you're dancing with that girl over there.
Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no-no-no we came together!
Director: I don't see it. You are dancing with the tall guy over there. Tall guy, raise your hand!
Joey Tribbiani: No-no hey buddy, please let me dance with that girl, I really like her and I think I have a shot.
Director: Really, y'think so? I don't..
Chandler Bing: I couldn't find anything at Joey-Hey-hey, oh hey!
Rachel Green: Yeah, we found them. There were in the guest room closet behind some coats.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, and you have nothing to worry about 'cos they're all crap!
Chandler Bing: Those are my gifts, I got them for you.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohhh. Thanks Chandler they're great!
Rachel Green: Well Chandler, what is this very weird, metal A Z thing?
Chandler Bing: Those are book ends! That's a great gift!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay, I'm sorry, thank you for my azzz.
Rachel Green: Ha!
Chandler Bing: Make sure you put all that stuff back in the closet, okay?
Rachel Green: Yes, okay, oh, by the way, I just gotta say, I think it's really nice of you that even after you've moved, you still keep storing that stuff for Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey dancer girl! Can I go to the bathroom? I just.. Here we go. Looking good Gellers!
Ross Geller: We know!
Monica Geller: Hey, see that snippy guy over there? He's the one who decides who gets up on the platform. We should go dance by him.
Ross Geller: Okay.
Director: Okay, everybody hold!
Director: Next on the platforms are... ...you two! And... ...You two!
Monica Geller: Excuse me, sir, would it help if I weren't wearing underpants?
Ross Geller: Monica! Would it?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Tall guy! Hey, listen, I wanted to talk to you about that girl that you're dancing with.
Tall Guy: She's nice, huh? To think I almost brought my wife to this!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh, look buddy, I came with that girl, and I had this plan to kiss her at the new years countdown – I'm trying to win her over, so I was wondering if..
Tall Guy: No I don't think so.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh come on man, you can dance with my partner, she's real, uh, mellow!
Tall Guy: Look, are you dating this girl you came with?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I was hoping after tonight that maybe I could you know...
Tall Guy: No, no. She's fair game if you ask me, sorry buddy!
Joey Tribbiani: Alright, alright, hey y'know fair is fair, if you're right, you're right, what can I say, but hey oh no!
Tall Guy: God! What are you, in second grade?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, now you're the one who wet his pants.
Monica Geller: Man, this sucks! Y'know if Mom and Dad don't see us on TV after we made them so jealous, I mean, who's gonna be the losers then?
Ross Geller: Hey, I know what'll get us up on a platform!
Monica Geller: What?
Ross Geller: The routine!
Monica Geller: Ross, we haven't done the routine since middle school.
Ross Geller: Hey, when the snippy guy sees the routine, he'll wanna build us our own platform!
Monica Geller: Was it really that good?
Ross Geller: We got honourable mention in the brother/sister dance category! Look, it's almost fake midnight, do we really have any other choice?
Monica Geller: Okay, let's do it. Mom and Dad are gonna be so faced!
Monica Geller: 5 6 7 8!
Ross Geller: So, do we really have to ask who's going up on the platform next?
Director: Oh no! You get up there and do that again exactly like that!
Monica Geller: Yes!
Director: Make sure you get this, they're gonna want it for the bloopers show. Alright cut! Listen up everyone, when we start again it's gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybody's excitement.
Tall Guy: Hey, pal, you have about three seconds to get away from my partner.
Director: What's going on over here?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, take a look at the guy's pants! I mean, I know you told us to show excitement, but don't you think he went a little overboard?
Director: What's the matter with you? Get out of here!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, take a hike wetpants!
Ross Geller: Can you believe this? We're gonna be on the platform for the Millennium moment!
Monica Geller: I know! Hey, you haven't been practising the routine, have you?
Ross Geller: No!
Monica Geller: Me too!
Ross Geller: Hey, when the music starts up again, I was thinking of maybe goind into the robot, y'know?
Monica Geller: Ross, I think we should stick to the routine, we don't wanna look stupid!
Director: Alright we're back! Ten seconds left here we go! Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, it all comes down to this. Whatever happens, happens. Destiny.
Everyone: Three, Two, One!
Director: Cut!
Joey Tribbiani: No! Year! Happy No Year!
Director: Okay, here's where we go to the live shot of Times Square, nice work everyone that's a wrap!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Look who I found!
Chandler Bing: Oh, hey guys!
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, birds have a very good sense of direction, and I thought maybe they could help us find where the presents are hidden.
Chandler Bing: Yes, if the presents are hidden south for the winter.
Phoebe Buffay: Or we could just follow your clever jokes – any ideas? No! Didn't think so! Okay, c'mon guys, show us where the presents are!
Chandler Bing: Oh, the duck seems to think that Monica got me garbage! Hmm, I wonder what I could get Monica that's as good as garbage?
Phoebe Buffay: Hmm, how about my azzz?
Rachel Green: Hey, this is hollow.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Rachel Green: This bench, it's hollow! I can't believe I never knew that! Oh, the presents!!!
Phoebe Buffay: No, don't look directly at them!
Chandler Bing: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, no, we could look at them!
Rachel Green: Oh, this one's for me!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, this one's for Chandler. Here.
Chandler Bing: Oh great!
Phoebe Buffay: And the big one's for me!
Rachel Green: Ooh, let's open them!
Chandler Bing: Okay! Okay! Okay!
Phoebe Buffay: Hee hee!
Chandler Bing: Wait, we can't do this.
Chandler Bing: I don't wanna know what Monica got me. Y'know? I mean, look, I'm sure she worked really hard at getting you a present, and wanting to surprise me, and you guys are gonna ruin that, and I, look we have to put these back, this is not what Christmas is about.
Rachel Green: Whatever Linus, I'm opening mine.
Chandler Bing: Nobody is opening anything ok? Look, I don't know about you guys, but I wanna see the look on Monica's face when I give her my present, and I'm sure she wants to see the look on my face when I get mine. So please, please, can we just, can we put them back?
Phoebe Buffay: Will you get us better gifts?
Chandler Bing: Fine!
Monica Geller: Hey guys! You found the presents? Chandler, you let them find the presents? Great! Do you know how long it took me to find you that water purifier?
Chandler Bing: That's what you got me?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yes, I see what you mean. That look is priceless.
Joey Tribbiani: Home sweet home, huh? Nice to, uh, get back to reality. Plus we know how the New Year's gonna go off. I guess there's no reason for all that Y2K panic, y'know? Anyway, g'night!
Janine Lecroix: Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah?
Janine Lecroix: 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yoii. What was that for?
Janine Lecroix: Well, I don't know tonight when they yelled cut and we didn't get to kiss, I was really, really, disappointed, and I just, really wanted to kiss you
Joey Tribbiani: Really? In the moment, I really wanted to kiss you too. In the moment.
Janine Lecroix: In the moment, yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: But only in the moment. So do ya wanna kiss again?
Janine Lecroix: Sure, New Year's Eve is only two weeks away. Can you wait?
Joey Tribbiani: No.
Janine Lecroix: Me neither.
Joey Tribbiani: 3, 2,
Janine Lecroix: Joey, you don't have to count down every time we kiss.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, yeah, okay. Except I sorta felt like I needed a couple of seconds to get ready.
Monica Geller: We were on the platform, ready to dance the world into the new Millennium, and the guy yelled 'CUT!'
Rachel Green: Uh, wait, so you guys are telling me you actually did the routine from eighth grade?
Monica Geller: Yeah. But of course we had to update it a little bit. Hey, by the way, great thinking about catching me!
Rachel Green: 'Cos I was gonna say there's no way you could've done the end the way you guys did it back then!
Monica Geller: What? We could do it!
Ross Geller: I don't know, I mean you were a lot bigger, I mean, stronger back then.
Monica Geller: I can do it, okay? Come on, let's go.
Monica Geller: I can't do it!
Chandler Bing: Now you do that, you're on TV.


Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Listen, do you guys think I have a chance with Janine?
Monica Geller: Honey, we have been through this before!
Rachel Green: Yeah. Don't do this to yourself.
Phoebe Buffay: She's made it pretty clear, it is not going to happen.
Joey Tribbiani: Well all right then, I guess I shouldn't get to excited about the fact that I just kissed her!
Monica Geller: You serious?!
Chandler Bing: That's great!
Monica Geller: Really?!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah well, we'll see.
Ross Geller: You kissed her.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh we kissed it up real nice.
Chandler Bing: So you kissed her, so what happened after that?
Joey Tribbiani: I came over here to tell you guys.
Chandler Bing: So she's just waiting over there for ya?
Janine Lecroix: I gotta go.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Janine Lecroix: I'm gonna be really late for dance class!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Janine Lecroix: Okay, now I'm really late.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, I'm all right, okay, but hey, could you just leave your lips?
Janine Lecroix: Bye.
Monica Geller: Bye.
Joey Tribbiani: Have you kissed her yet? It's awesome! I could do it forever! Y'know what? She-she kisses better than my mom cooks!
Monica Geller: I am so glad you said cooks.
Rachel Green: I know.
Chandler Bing: Oh hey Rachel, sweetheart? You have got to tell the post office that you have moved. Okay? We are still getting all your bills and stuff.
Rachel Green: Oh-oh, Pottery Barn! You can throw the rest away.
Chandler Bing: I'm not your garbage man. I'm your mailman.
Rachel Green: Monica look! Look-look-look! Here is that table that I ordered.
Monica Geller: You got it from Pottery Barn?!
Rachel Green: Yeah! It's an apothecary table. Does anyone even know what an apothecary is?
Chandler Bing: A pharmacist.
Monica Geller: Rach, Phoebe hates Pottery Barn.
Joey Tribbiani: I hate Pottery Barn too. They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed!
Chandler Bing: You took off your pants and climbed under the sheets!
Joey Tribbiani: I was tired!
Rachel Green: Phoebe hates Pottery Barn?!
Monica Geller: Yeah, she hates all mass produced stuff. She thinks her furniture should have a history, a story behind it.
Rachel Green: Well this has story behind it! I mean they had to ship it all the way from the White Plains store.
Monica Geller: It's gotta be one of a kind. Y'know like umm, y'know uh, what's that God awful ceramic fruit bowl she has on her counter?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! I made that for her!
Chandler Bing: You made pottery?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! I made it of this fruit bowl I found in the garbage.
Monica Geller: I'm telling-If you put that in her apartment you'll never hear the end of it.
Rachel Green: Okay fine! I'll-I'll just tell her it's an antique apothecary table, she doesn't have to know where it came from. Oh! Look at this little drawers! Oh look-look it says that it holds 300 CDs.
Chandler Bing: Ahh, just like the apothecary tables of yore...
Chandler Bing: ...so then the farmer says, "That's not a cow and you're not milking it."
Monica Geller: I am so glad you guys got together, Chandler and I are always looking for a couple to go out with and now we have one!
Chandler Bing: Look at us, we're a couple of couples!
Janine Lecroix: I had so much fun tonight, and what a great restaurant.
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: And Chandler I can't believe I let you pay for this one. Thanks man.
Monica Geller: So do you guys gonna come over tomorrow? I'll make that pasta thing I was telling you about.
Janine Lecroix: Oh that would be great!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, but hey look, at least let us bring the wine.
Monica Geller: Joey, you don't have too!
Joey Tribbiani: Nope-op! I insist! You get the wine right?
Chandler Bing: Yeah all right. Okay, good night guys.
Joey Tribbiani: See ya tomorrow!
Monica Geller: Tomorrow!
Janine Lecroix: Can't wait!
Janine Lecroix: How are we gonna get out of that one?
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Janine Lecroix: I can't handle two nights in a row with them.
Joey Tribbiani: What-what's wrong with Monica and Chandler?
Janine Lecroix: I don't know, they're just a little blah!
Joey Tribbiani: Blah?!
Janine Lecroix: Well y'know, he's blah, she's just-she's very loud for such a small person.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, they're like my best friends. Are you saying we can't hang out with them? 'Cause that would kinda be a problem.
Janine Lecroix: No! Of course we can still hang out with them. Just y'know, not two nights in a row. Okay?
Joey Tribbiani: I guess.
Janine Lecroix: Thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: If you want, I'll sell my friends and use the money to buy you presents.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, what a great table! Where-where did you get it?
Rachel Green: Guess!
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, a flea market?
Rachel Green: Ha! See, I knew, I knew you'd get it on the first guess. Isn't it cool! It's an apothecary table.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! Oh you can just imagine that this is where they kept all the stuff to make their potions.
Rachel Green: Ohh, yes.
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know? Ooh, you can almost smell the opium.
Rachel Green: Almost.
Phoebe Buffay: How much was it?
Rachel Green: It was only 500 bucks.
Phoebe Buffay: 500 bucks at a flea market?!
Rachel Green: Oh, okay see I thought, I thought you meant how much was it when it was new, y'know like back then.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no.
Rachel Green: Yeah no, I mean it was at a flea market, so it was y'know, it was like a dollar.
Phoebe Buffay: A dollar?
Rachel Green: And fifty. So it was like one and fifty dollars.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, okay, they gave you the old time pricing.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, what period is it from?
Rachel Green: Uh, it's from yore. Like the days of yore. Y'know?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, yes I do. God, oh it's just perfect! Wow! I bet it has a great story behind it too. Did they tell you anything? Like y'know where it was from or...
Rachel Green: Yes! That I know, this is from White Plains.
Phoebe Buffay: White Plains. Oh, it sounds like such a magical place.
Rachel Green: Hey! We're here!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Ohh! Oh my God!
Ross Geller: You like it?
Rachel Green: Oh no!
Ross Geller: It's my new apothecary table!
Rachel Green: Ross! Phoebe's gonna be here any second, she cannot see this!
Ross Geller: Well why not?! She'll-she'll love it! It's the real thing! I got it at Pottery Barn.
Rachel Green: I know you did! I bought the same one! And if she sees your table she's gonna know that I lied to her. I told her ours was an original.
Ross Geller: Why did you do that?
Rachel Green: Because she hates Pottery Barn.
Ross Geller: She hates Pottery Barn?!!
Rachel Green: I know! I know, she says it's all mass-produced, nothing is authentic, and everyone winds up having the same stuff. So come on, she's gonna be here any second! Can we please just cover this up with something?! Please?
Ross Geller: What? No! No! I am not gonna hide it from Phoebe-Ooh, although I did get some great Pottery Barn sheets!
Rachel Green: Ooo! Oh, I forgot they made sheets!
Ross Geller: Uh, yeah! I still can't believe she hates Pottery Barn!
Rachel Green: Ross, get over it! It's not like she hates you.
Ross Geller: Yeah but Pottery Barn! Y'know what I think? It's just she-she's weird. Y'know it's because she's a twin. Twins are weird.
Rachel Green: Ross, she's not weird, she just wants her stuff to be one of a kind.
Ross Geller: Huh. Y'know what's not one of a kind? A twin!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Ooh, Phoebe's here! Okay, let's turn out all the lights and we'll just watch the movie!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Hey-Ooh, cool sheets!
Ross Geller: Oh, you like it? You wanna know where I got it?
Phoebe Buffay: Sure!
Rachel Green: He got it a flea market!
Phoebe Buffay: You bought your sheets at a flea market? Ross come on, you gotta loosen the purse strings a little.
Monica Geller: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hi!
Monica Geller: The dinner will be ready in twenty minutes. This is so exciting.
Chandler Bing: And here is the bottle of wine for you to bring over tonight. You were also going to buy Monica flowers but you couldn't afford it, because you paid dinner last night.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks. Thanks, but uh actually it's just gonna be me again tonight.
Monica Geller: What happened to Janine?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, she's uh-uh really sick.
Chandler Bing: Oh that's too bad.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, she's been in there all day , uh high fever, a nose problem... Phlegm! Phlegm! Phlegm-phlegm-phlegm!
Janine Lecroix: Monica! Chandler! I'm really-really sorry about tonight. I don't know if Joey told you; I just couldn't get out of going to this play. I'm sorry. Have a great time.
Joey Tribbiani: 'Kay!
Janine Lecroix: Bye.
Chandler Bing: That's funny, I saw no phlegm.
Joey Tribbiani: No-no, she really is sick!
Chandler Bing: Then why-why is she going to a play?!
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, y'know, starve a fever, go to a play for a cold.
Monica Geller: Joey! Why is Janine not coming over for dinner?!
Joey Tribbiani: Well uh, she didn't want to hang out with you guys two nights in a row. I'm so sorry.
Chandler Bing: Well, why does she not want to hang out with us?!
Joey Tribbiani: Because she uh, she-she thinks that you are blah and that you, Monica, are too loud.
Monica Geller: What?!! What?
Chandler Bing: So she was just pretending to have a good time last night? She was lying to our faces?!
Monica Geller: Ugh, I can not believe this! I mean, who is she to judge us? We could not have been nicer to her!
Chandler Bing: And I am not blah, I am a hoot!
Joey Tribbiani: I know! I know! Come on, please-please you guys, don't-don't be mad. I'm sure she just, she just said that stuff because she was nervous and you guys are like my best friends! Y'know? And it was our first date! Plus, she's really sick!
Chandler Bing: No, you sh-No you said you made that up!!
Joey Tribbiani: I know, but don't you think the sick thing is way better than the play thing?
Chandler Bing: Eh, they're both good. I generally just go with, Monica's drunk again.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on you guys, come on please-please just give her another chance, huh? She'll come around I promise.
Monica Geller: Of course we will, come on we gotta make dinner.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: I do not like that woman!
Joey Tribbiani: I can hear you!
Monica Geller: I am loud!
Everyone: Aww!
Rachel Green: That's funny.
Ross Geller: Hey Pheebs, could you please not put your feet up on my new...old sheet?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh sure! Noo!
Rachel Green: Ohh!!
Ross Geller: My apothecary table!!!
Phoebe Buffay: What?!
Rachel Green: Noooooo!!
Phoebe Buffay: Ross, where did you get this?!
Ross Geller: I got it at Pottery Barn!! Okay?!
Rachel Green: Oh my God, Phoebe, Pottery Barn has ripped off the design of our antique!
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! Oh my God, well if they've ripped off our table ours must be much more than one and fifty dollars!
Rachel Green: Oh yes.
Phoebe Buffay: Well this doesn't even smell like opium.
Ross Geller: Of course not, it smells like wine, which you spilled! And thanks for wrecking my sheet by the way.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh Ross, calm down, I'll give you the 80 cents.
Chandler Bing: Okay, one more time.
Monica Geller: Chandler, would you like some more orange juice?
Chandler Bing: Perfect decibel.
Monica Geller: I know!!!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: So uh, what are you guys doing?
Chandler Bing: Oh nothing, we're just talking. Y'know, blah-blah-blah.
Joey Tribbiani: Look, come on you guys, you said you were gonna try! All right look, I came over here to invite you guys to a movie with me and Janine.
Monica Geller: Well, I'd like to but, I'm not sure we have time to go.
Joey Tribbiani: Ha-ha, very funny-Look! I don't know what to do! I really want you guys to get along. Just please come to the movie with us. I mean you owe me!
Monica Geller: We owe you?!
Joey Tribbiani: That's right! I helped you guys out a lot in the start of your relationship. Huh? I helped you guys sneak around for like six months, and I looked like an idiot! And I was humiliated. And I only made 200 dollars!
Monica Geller: We didn't give you any money!
Joey Tribbiani: You don't think I know that!
Rachel Green: ...see I can't decide whether it would go better next to the new wicker dining chair, the Sahara desk, or the Parker console table.
Ross Geller: Wow! I didn't know that there was a Pottery Barn up here.
Rachel Green: I know, I know. I went a little crazy.
Ross Geller: A little? Your place looks like page 72 of the catalogue. Oh look at that! The ornamental bird cage! Large!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh Ross no. Be careful, that is very old! Okay? Early Colonial bird merchants used to bring their birds to market in that.
Ross Geller: Fascinating.
Phoebe Buffay: Another amazing find! Wow! Oh I bet this has a great story too!
Rachel Green: Oh it does, it does! It is a room separating apparatus from Colonial times.
Phoebe Buffay: Ah!
Ross Geller: Hmm, a lot of this stuff is from Colonial times. Hey, what are some other time periods Rachel?
Rachel Green: Well there's yore. And uh, y'know, yesteryear.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah no, I'm telling you Rachel has such a great eye for this stuff. Ross, y'know if you ever decide you need to redecorate-And I think that you should. You should, you should ask Rachel to help.
Rachel Green: Oh honey he doesn't need my help.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, come on! I think he's ready to get rid of, what did you call it? The cheap knock-offs and dinosaur junk.
Ross Geller: Really?! Hey, y'know what? Since you have such a great sense of what I need, uh ooh, here's-here's 60 bucks, why don't you take Phoebe down to that Colonial flea market of yours and get me some stuff.
Rachel Green: Y'know what? I don't, I don't think Phoebe really wants to come.
Phoebe Buffay: No! I do want to!
Rachel Green: Oh, she does want to.
Ross Geller: She does want to.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah!
Rachel Green: Pheebs, I don't know what to say. I guess the flea market was just better last time.
Phoebe Buffay: Well at least I got these sheets for Ross.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Uck, look at this! Pottery Barn, yuck!
Rachel Green: Yeah, y'know what? Don't look at it. Seriously, don't look at it.
Phoebe Buffay: No! Look-look! There's the coffee table they stole from us!
Rachel Green: Ugh, those bastards! Let's go.
Phoebe Buffay: That fan kinda looks like ours. And the birdcage and the...wait a sec! This is our exact living room!
Rachel Green: No! No! No! No it's not! No it's not! Come on! Phoebe, ours is totally different! I mean we don't have the... We don't have the...that lamp! And-and that screen is y'know, on the other side.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God. This is where you got all our stuff, Pottery Barn! Oh my God!
Rachel Green: Okay! Okay-okay look-no I did, I just wanted this stuff and I know how you feel about Pottery Barn. Just... Come on don't be mad.
Phoebe Buffay: No-no-no, but I am mad! I am mad! Because this stuff is everything that is wrong with the world! And it's all sitting up in my living room and all I can think about is how I don't have that lamp!
Rachel Green: Well then honey, buy the lamp! Hey, we have that 60 bucks from Ross.
Phoebe Buffay: I can't! I can't! Unless... Well are you saying that-that you would move out if-if I didn't buy that lamp?
Rachel Green: What?! No! I'm not gonna move out!
Phoebe Buffay: But are you saying that you would move out if I didn't buy that lamp?
Rachel Green: Oh. Yes! I would so move out!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay then I don't have a choice! I have to buy that lamp!
Rachel Green: That's right!
Phoebe Buffay: But at least the apothecary table is real.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, this-this-this was great. Didn't everybody have a great time?
Janine Lecroix: Well I did. I really did. And you guys, I've got to say, I'm sorry if I was a little weird after the last time we went out. I guess I was just nervous or something.
Chandler Bing: That's totally understandable.
Monica Geller: Don't worry about it.
Janine Lecroix: So we can go out again?
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah!
Monica Geller: Absolutely!
Janine Lecroix: Oh good.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh well then, good night!
Monica Geller: Good night!
Joey Tribbiani: See? Eh, wasn't that fun?
Janine Lecroix: We have got to move!
Monica Geller: I knew it!! Y'know, you're not so quiet yourself, missy!
Chandler Bing: And I'm blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it, "Oh Chandler, I just lost myself in the moment."
Janine Lecroix: Y'know, I know you're talking, but all I hear is, "Blah. Blah. Blah-blah-blah."
Monica Geller: All right! You and me! Let's go! Right now!
Joey Tribbiani: All right! All right! Enough! Enough! Enough!! Enough! You two go home! I-I-I gotta talk to Janine!
Chandler Bing: Y'know I think you can take her.
Monica Geller: You'd better hope I don't see you in the hallway!!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, uh, we've got a little bit of a problem here. These people are my friends; you can't treat them that way.
Janine Lecroix: They said stuff to me too, y'know!
Joey Tribbiani: I know! I know! And I'm going to talk to them about it. They mean so much to me. They... They're like my family. If you guys are gonna be fighting all the time, I-I... I don't think we can be together. It just, it just can't work. It can't. I'm very upset.
Janine Lecroix: Okay. Okay. Would, would it help if I went over and apologized?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Yeah! That would be very helpful! Yeah.
Monica Geller: What did I tell you about the hall?!
Janine Lecroix: I was just coming over here to apologize for my behavior! I'd really like it if we could be friends.
Monica Geller: Well, I know that would make Joey happy, so, I would like that too.
Janine Lecroix: Great.
Monica Geller: Now come on. Well, I'm glad we worked things out.
Janine Lecroix: Me too.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Janine Lecroix: I'll see you.
Monica Geller: Bye.
Janine Lecroix: Or I'll hear you.
Monica Geller: That's it big girl! Come on!
Janine Lecroix: Wait!
Monica Geller: You'd better run!
Chandler Bing: Did you hear that?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah uh, what am I gonna do?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I'm sorry man. You wanna go watch?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: How ya doin'?
Chandler Bing: Hey so, did uh, did she move out?
Joey Tribbiani: Pretty much, yeah.
Monica Geller: I cannot believe you broke up with her just like that.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, when it's not right, you know it.
Chandler Bing: You okay?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Yeah. I'll be all right.
Ross Geller: Y'know what would cheer you up?
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Ross Geller: I'm giving this lecture on erosion theories tomorrow night, I think you should come.
Joey Tribbiani: You're right! That did cheer me up!


Ross Geller: Hey, you're not going to believe this. I made up a joke and sent it in to Playboy. They printed it!
Phoebe Buffay: I didn't know Playboy prints jokes.
Ross Geller: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It's not just about the pictures.
Monica Geller: That didn't work on mom, it's not going to work on us.
Ross Geller: Here, check it out. It's the first one, too.
Chandler Bing: That is funny. It was also funny when I made it up.
Ross Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: I made that joke up.
Ross Geller: Uh, oh-oh, no you didn't. I did.
Chandler Bing: Yes, I did. I told it to Dan at work, and he said it was the funniest joke he'd ever heard.
Ross Geller: Hey, tell Dan, 'Thanks.'
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: I'm sorry, I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is funny.
Chandler Bing: Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right?
Monica Geller: No.
Chandler Bing: Seriously?
Monica Geller: Well, you tell a lot of jokes!
Ross Geller: Look, Chandler, it's my joke. But, hey, if it makes you feel any better they don't print the name, so it doesn't really matter who gets credit, right?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I guess.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey guys.
Chandler Bing: Hey, Joey, Playboy printed my joke.
Ross Geller: No, it's my joke, it's mine. You can call them, they'll tell you.
Chandler Bing: It's my joke.
Ross Geller: It's my joke.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-whoa-whoa. Jokes? You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right?
Chandler Bing: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up.
Joey Tribbiani: Let's go watch it at your place.
Chandler Bing: Nah, Monica's watching some cooking show. Come on, I don't want to miss when they were skinny.
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler, Chandler, y'know what we should do? You and I should go out and get some new sunglasses.
Chandler Bing: What? No, I want to watch this. . Did your cable go out?
Joey Tribbiani: No, that's VH-1. I gotta tell you, the music these kids listen to today . . . It's like a lotta noise to me. I don't know...
Chandler Bing: Joey, why is your cable out?
Joey Tribbiani: I uh, oh! Because, uh, I haven't really paid the bill
Chandler Bing: If you need money, will you please-please just let me loan you some money?
Joey Tribbiani: No, Chandler. Look, forget about it, okay? Look, I know things have been a little tight since Janine moved out. Oh, was she hot.
Chandler Bing: Whoa ho.
Joey Tribbiani: I know! Yeah, but, look I can handle it. All right? Look, I can listen to the radio, huh? And Ross gave me this great book .
Chandler Bing: All right, you want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place?
Joey Tribbiani: Sure.
Chandler Bing: Paid your phone bill?
Joey Tribbiani: Not so much.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Monica Geller: It's only you.
Phoebe Buffay: Wh-wh-what are you doing?
Rachel Green: We are looking at a Playboy.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I want to look too! . Yikes!
Monica Geller: So do you think that these pictures-Are, are they trying to tell a story?
Rachel Green: Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, like in the case of this young woman, she has lost her clothes, so she rides naked on the horse, she's crying out, 'Where are they, where are they?'
Monica Geller: Well, she's not going to find them lying in the grass like that.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah. Aw, remember the days when you used to go out to the barn, lift up your shirt, and bend over?
Rachel Green: You see, now, I would date this girl. She's cute, she's outdoorsy, you know, and she knows how to build a fire. I mean, that's got to come in handy
Monica Geller: Okay, I've got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be?
Rachel Green: I don't know.
Monica Geller: Me neither.
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel.
Monica Geller: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. Me neither.
Joey Tribbiani: You forget how many great songs Heart had.
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Ross Geller: You know, Barracuda was the first song I learned to play on the keyboard.
Chandler Bing: So, you heard it, you repeated it, so that must mean you wrote it.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you guys, with this joke. I gotta say, I know I cracked up, but I'm not even sure I got it.
Ross Geller: What, you didn't get it? The doctor is a monkey.
Chandler Bing: And monkeys can't write out prescriptions.
Chandler Bing: You are not allowed to laugh at my joke.
Ross Geller: Your joke? Well, I think 'the Hef' would disagree, which is why he sent me a check for one hundred ah-dollars.
Chandler Bing: So, you stole my joke, and you stole my money.
Ross Geller: Well, I was going to stick it in the ATM, but now I think I'll show the sexy teller that I am a published writer.
Chandler Bing: Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke.
Ross Geller: Oh, what are you going to do, follow me down there?
Chandler Bing: Yeah!
Ross Geller: Well, I'm not going to go now anyway .
Chandler Bing: Okay .
Gunther: Here you go.
Joey Tribbiani: Ah, Gunther, I can't pay for this right now because I'm not working, so I've had to cut down on some luxuries like uh, payin' for stuff.
Gunther: Well, if you want, you can work here.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, I don't know. Ya see, it's just, see I was a regular on a soap opera y'know? And to go from that to this, I just... Plus, I'd have to wait on all my friends.
Gunther: Okay, but the money's good, plus you get to stare at Rachel as much as you want.
Joey Tribbiani: What?!
Gunther: Flexible hours.
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe I could be a waiter. Could I use the phone?
Monica Geller: She picked Rachel. I mean, she tried to back out of it, but it was obvious. She picked Rachel.
Chandler Bing: He took my joke, he took it.
Monica Geller: It's wrong. You know what else is wrong? Phoebe picking Rachel.
Chandler Bing: You know who else picked Rachel? Ross, and you know what else Ross did? He stole my joke. You know what? I'm going to get a joke journal. Y'know? And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes.
Monica Geller: That's a good idea.
Chandler Bing: Yeah!
Monica Geller: Do you know what's a bad idea?
Chandler Bing: Picking Rachel.
Monica Geller: That's right. Did you hear something?
Chandler Bing: Maybe it's the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts.
Monica Geller: It's coming from the living room.
Joey Tribbiani: I finished my book.
Monica Geller: Hey, you guys.
Monica Geller: Oh, don't you guys look cute. You guys make such a cute couple.
Rachel Green: Monica, what are you doing?
Monica Geller: Nothing, I'm just trying to recreate some of the fun that we had at my place the other day. Remember, when you picked Rachel over me? That was funny.
Phoebe Buffay: I guess it was kinda funny.
Monica Geller: It wasn't funny at all! Why would you do that? Why didn't you pick me?
Phoebe Buffay: Fine. The reason that I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you is just that you're ... just ... kinda high maintenance-Okay let's go to lunch!
Monica Geller: That is completely untrue. You think I'm high maintenance? Okay, prove it. I want you to make a list and we're going to go through it point by point!
Phoebe Buffay: No, okay, you're right. You're easy-going. You're just not as easy-going as Rachel. She's just more flexible and-and mellow. That's all.
Rachel Green: Well, people are different.
Phoebe Buffay: Ya, you know, Rachel ... she'll do whatever you want. Y'know, you can just walk all over her.
Rachel Green: What? Wait a minute. What are you saying, that I'm a pushover? I'm not a pushover.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay, you're not a pushover.
Rachel Green: Oh my ... you think I'm a pushover. Well wait, watch this, you know what? You're not invited to lunch. What do you think of that? I think that's pretty strong, that's what I think. Come on, Monica, let's go to lunch.
Monica Geller: You start working on that list.
Rachel Green: I cannot believe her.
Monica Geller: I know. Where do you wanna go eat?
Rachel Green: Oh, oh, I love that Japanese place.
Monica Geller: I'm sick of Japanese. We're not going there.
Rachel Green: All right, wherever you wanna go is cool.
Monica Geller: All right.
Ross Geller: Oh, hey, Gunther, check this out.
Gunther: Yeah, that-that Chandler cracks me up.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Ross, listen, you want anything to drink, 'cause I'm heading up there.
Ross Geller: Uh, yeah, I'll take a coffee. Thanks, man.
Joey Tribbiani: Sure. Coffee? 'Cause I'm going up there.
Rachel Green: No.
Monica Geller: No, thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: You guys need anything, 'cause I'm heading up there.
Woman: I'd love an ice water.
Joey Tribbiani: You got it.
Monica Geller: Joey, what are you doing?
Joey Tribbiani: Just being friendly.
Rachel Green: Joey, honey, I don't think you're supposed to go back there.
Joey Tribbiani: Nah, it's okay. Right, Gunther?
Gunther: Don't wink at me. And put on your apron.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, but I don't see you asking any other paying customers to put on aprons.
Monica Geller: Joey, do you work here?
Joey Tribbiani: No.
Customer: Hey, waiter.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah?
Monica Geller: Joey, what's going on. What didn't you tell us you work here?
Joey Tribbiani: It's kind of embarrassing, y'know. I mean, I was an actor and now I'm a waiter. It's supposed to go in the other direction.
Chandler Bing: So is your apron. You're wearing it like a cape.
Joey Tribbiani: I mean, the job's easy and the money's good, you know? I guess I'm going to be hanging out here anyway. I might as well get paid for it, right? I just feel kind of weird serving you guys.
Rachel Green: Come on, Joey, I did it and it was fine.
Ross Geller: Yeah, why would it be weird? Hey, Joey, can I get some coffee?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, I guess it doesn't seem that weird.
Ross Geller: Seriously, I-I asked you before and you still haven't gotten it.
Joey Tribbiani: See, now it's weird again.
Chandler Bing: I Think It's Great That You Work Here. You'Re Going To Make A Lot Of Money, And Here's Your First Tip. Don't eat yellow snow. . Ah ha ha, 2:15, coffeehouse.
Rachel Green: Well, you know what? This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffeehouse. First of all, the customer is always right. A smile goes a long way. And if anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks, Rach. Look, you guys are just terrific. Y'know? Now, how about clearing out of here so I can get some new customers. It's all about turnover.
Ross Geller: Joey, seriously, can I get my coffee?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I'm sorry, Ross. I'll get it for you right now. And since I made you wait, I'll toss in a free muffin.
Rachel Green: Phoebe. We would like to talk to you for a second.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Monica Geller: So, maybe I am a little high maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover. But you know what we decided you are?
Rachel Green: Yes, we are very sorry to tell you this, but you, Phoebe, are flaky.
Monica Geller: Hah!
Phoebe Buffay: That true, I am flaky.
Rachel Green: So, what, you're just, you're just okay with being flaky?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, totally.
Monica Geller: Well, then, I'm okay with being high maintenance.
Rachel Green: Yeah, and I am okay with being a pushover.
Phoebe Buffay: That's great. Good for you guys.
Monica Geller: I am not high maintenance!
Rachel Green: I am not a pushover!
Phoebe Buffay: Who said you were?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'm flaky. I'll say anything.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Gunther. Can you uh, can you cover for me? I just got an audition.
Gunther: No, I'm leaving to get my hair dyed.
Joey Tribbiani: Really?! I like your natural color. Come on man, it's a great part. Look, check it out. I'm the lead guy's best friend and I wait for him in this bar and save his seat. Listen-listen. 'I'm sorry, that seat's saved.'
Gunther: That's the whole part?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, maybe he's not his best friend, but ...
Gunther: Okay, I'll see you in an hour.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, man, I could totally get that part. 'I'm sorry, that seat is taken.'
Patron: Oh, excuse me.
Joey Tribbiani: No, no, I didn't mean you. But, you believed me, huh?
Patron: I believed you were saving this seat for someone.
Joey Tribbiani: So, you'd hire me, right?
Patron: For what?
Joey Tribbiani: Exactly! All right, everybody, listen up. The coffeehouse is going to be closed for about an hour.
Customers: Huh? What?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, it's for the kids. To keep the kids off drugs. It's a very important issue in this month's Playboy. I'm sure you all read about it.
Ross Geller: It's my joke.
Chandler Bing: It's my joke.
Ross Geller: Y'know, I don't think we're going to settle this.
Chandler Bing: Let's have Monica decide.
Ross Geller: Yeah!
Chandler Bing: Yeah!
Ross Geller: Hey Mon.
Chandler Bing: Mon, get out here!
Ross Geller: Monica!
Chandler Bing: Okay, okay. You have to help us decide whose joke this is.
Monica Geller: Why do I have to decide?
Chandler Bing: Because you're the only one that can be fair.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Monica Geller: I can't be fair. You're my boyfriend.
Ross Geller: Yeah, but I'm your brother. We're family. That's the most important thing in the world.
Chandler Bing: Don't try to sway her. I'm your only chance to have a baby. Okay, let's go.
Ross Geller: We'll each tell you how we came up with the joke and then you decide which one of us is telling the truth-me.
Monica Geller: Okay, Chandler, you go first.
Chandler Bing: Okay, I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve.
Monica Geller: Oh, wait, is he the guy I met at Christmas?
Chandler Bing: Can I finish my story?!
Monica Geller: Do you want me to pick you?!
Ross Geller: See, I would never snap at you like that.
Monica Geller: Continue.
Chandler Bing: So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steve's doctor's name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, 'Doctor Monkey?' And that is how the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up.
Ross Geller: Are you kidding? Okay, look. I-I studied evolution. Remember, evolution? Monkey into man? Plus, I'm a doctor, and I had a monkey. I'm Doctor Monkey!
Chandler Bing: I'm not arguing with that.
Monica Geller: All right, I've heard enough. I've made my decision.
Monica Geller: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and it's offensive to women, and doctors, and monkeys! You shouldn't be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks!
Ross Geller: It's your joke.
Chandler Bing: Is not.
Monica Geller: Hi, Chandler. There you are.
Chandler Bing: Hi, oh hi.
Monica Geller: Hey, it's Phoebe and Rachel. Um, why don't you tell them what you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance?
Chandler Bing: Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and-generosity of spirit.
Rachel Green: Wow, you know what? That is the best fake speech I think I've ever heard.
Phoebe Buffay: Really? I've heard better.
Monica Geller: Wait, wait, he came up with that himself. Tell them, Chandler.
Chandler Bing: I'm out of words. Should I just say the whole thing again?
Monica Geller: Look, I am not high maintenance. I am not. Chandler!
Chandler Bing: You're a little high maintenance.
Monica Geller: Ahhh! You are on my list.
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry. You're not easy-going, but you're passionate, and that's good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that I'm pretty good about making you feel better about that. And that's good too. So, they can say that you're high maintenance, but it's okay, because I like ... maintaining you.
Monica Geller: I didn't even tell him to say that. . All right you're off my list.
Chandler Bing: I'm off the list.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, it's okay that you don't want me to be your girlfriend because I have the best boyfriend.
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, suddenly I find you very attractive.
Chandler Bing: Hey, buddy boy, how'd the audition go?
Joey Tribbiani: Not good, no. I didn't get the part, and I lost my job here, so ...
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! That is a bad audition.
Rachel Green: How-how did you lose your job here?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I had the audition but Gunther said I had to stay here and be in charge so he could go get his hair dyed. So, I went anyway, and then he fired me.
Rachel Green: He left work in the middle of the day to do a personal errand and left you in charge when you've been working here two days? That's not, that's not right.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, what are ya gonna do?
Rachel Green: Joey, you can't let him get away with that. Ya know what, I'm not going to let him get away with that. I'm going to say something to him-No, I really shouldn't say anything-No, I should say something to him. Gunther, I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fire him...
Gunther: Okay.
Rachel Green: What?
Gunther: He can have his job back.
Rachel Green: That's right, he can have his job back. I'm glad we got that all straightened out. There you go, Joey, you got your job back.
Joey Tribbiani: That's great. Thanks Rach.
Rachel Green: Yeah, pretty nice, huh? Now who's a pushover?
Phoebe Buffay: Rach, you're in my seat.
Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sorry.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, I never got to hear who you guys would pick to be your girlfriend.
Monica Geller: I pick you, Phoebe.
Rachel Green: Oh, yeah. Definitely you, Pheebs.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, well, I kinda thought.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hey. Oh, I have a question. If-if-if one of you had to pick one of the other two guys to go out with, who would you pick?
Ross Geller: No way.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm not answering that.
Chandler Bing: Joey! No way. I'm not answering that.


Joey Tribbiani: Okay Rach, that muffin and espresso, $4.50. Ross, double latte, $2.75. Chandler, coffee and a scone, $4.25. And Pheebs, herbal tea, $1.25. So, all together that's $12.75.
Chandler Bing: This coming from the man who couldn't split our 80 dollar phone bill in half.
Woman: Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: Hi!
Woman: How much do I owe you for the muffin and the latte?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh that's on the house courtesy of Joey Tribbiani.
Woman: Oh great! Well, tell him thanks. And since uh, Joey seems like such a nice guy, maybe we could go on a date sometime?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, he's not used to women being so forward with him; but uh, I good check with him-He says it's okay. Great! Thanks! Bye-bye!
Ross Geller: Hey Joey, how come our stuff isn't free?
Joey Tribbiani: It will be when you look like that in a tight skirt! This is great! I'm getting more dates than ever!
Rachel Green: Wait a minute, you're only giving free stuff away to the pretty girls?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah Joey that is so gross!
Joey Tribbiani: How about a scone on the house baby?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm pretty.
Ross Geller: Hey does anyone have any gum?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh I do! Oh, y'know what? No. Wait a second. I know it's in here somewhere.
Ross Geller: Y'know what? I'm good! I'm good!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?
Monica Geller: Ugh, they sent me home. They said I can't work if I'm sick.
Everyone: Ohh!
Chandler Bing: I'm so sorry you're sick.
Monica Geller: I'm not sick!! I don't get sick! Getting sick is for weaklings and for pansies!
Rachel Green: Honey, no one thinks you're a pansy, but we do think you need a tissue.
Monica Geller: I have not been sick in over three years!
Chandler Bing: I'm gonna grab you some tissue.
Monica Geller: I don't need a tissue! I'm fine-d!
Ross Geller: When you put a 'D' at the end of 'Fine' you're not fine.
Monica Geller: I'm fine-d. I'm fine-d! Y'know, it's a really hard word to say.
Chandler Bing: Yes?
Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I'm her sister.
Rachel Green: Oh my God, Jill!
Jill Green: Oh my God, Rachel!
Chandler Bing: Oh my God, introduce us!
Rachel Green: This is Chandler.
Jill Green: Hi!
Rachel Green: And you know Monica and Ross!
Ross Geller: Hi Jill.
Rachel Green: And that's Phoebe , and that's Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, how you doin'?
Rachel Green: Don't!! Honey, what are you doing here?!
Phoebe Buffay: Which-which sister is this? Is this the spoiled one or that's bitter?
Jill Green: Daddy cut me off.
Phoebe Buffay: Never mind, I got it.
Jill Green: And y'know what I said to him? "I'm gonna hire a lawyer and I'm gonna sue you and take all your money. Then I'm gonna cut you off!"
Rachel Green: Wow! What did he say?
Jill Green: That he wouldn't pay for my lawyer! Then he told me to come here and learn about the value of money from the one daughter he's actually proud off.
Rachel Green: Oh! Did you hear that?! My dad's proud of me! My dad's proud of me.
Monica Geller: Rach?
Rachel Green: Oh yeah, sorry. Wait honey, so what did you do that made dad cut you off?
Jill Green: Okay, I bought a boat.
Monica Geller: You bought a boat?
Jill Green: Yeah but it wasn't for me, it was for a friend.
Chandler Bing: Boy did we make friends with the wrong sister!
Rachel Green: Jill, honey, I think this is the best thing that could've ever happened to you. I mean you needed to get out on your own anyway! And you know when I did it, I-I-I at first I was scared, and look at me now! I'm the only daughter dad is proud of! Okay, well this is, this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna get a job, you're gonna get an apartment, and then I'll help you and you can stay with us. Right Pheebs, she can stay with us?
Phoebe Buffay: Of course, yeah!
Jill Green: Oh, that's so great! Okay, I'm really gonna do this! I don't know how to thank you guys.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, I like cards.
Joey Tribbiani: Are you all finished here?
Customer: Yes.
Joey Tribbiani: Great!
Gunther: Okay, here are the tips for this morning. Jen gets 50, 50 for me, and Joey owes eight dollars.
Joey Tribbiani: What?!
Gunther: For all the free food you gave away.
Joey Tribbiani: Well if it's free food, how come you're charging me for it?
Gunther: We don't give anything away unless it's someone's birthday.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, what if they came in third in a modeling contest?
Gunther: No!
Joey Tribbiani: Sorry!
Jill Green: I just had the hardest day. Those bags are so heavy.
Ross Geller: Jill, how did you pay for all this? I thought your dad took away your credit card.
Jill Green: Oh please, I memorized those numbers when I was 15. But look at all the cool make-it-on-my-own stuff I got! This is my "Please, hire me" sweater. And these are my, "Don't you want to rent me this apartment?" pants.
Ross Geller: I don't think charging new clothes too your dad qualifies as making it on your own.
Jill Green: Oh, Mr. Scientist has to get all technical!
Phoebe Buffay: Seriously, I don't Rachel's gonna think it's a good idea.
Jill Green: So who made her queen of the world?
Phoebe Buffay: I would love that job!
Rachel Green: Hey! What's goin' on?
Jill Green: Hey!
Rachel Green: Jill! Did you shop?!
Jill Green: No! They did!
Rachel Green: You went shopping?! What, and then you just came in here and paraded it right under Jill's nose when you know she's trying to quit. Wow, you guys are terrible!
Phoebe Buffay: Sorry Jill.
Ross Geller: Sorry-sorry Jill.
Rachel Green: What'd you get?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh well, all right, I got thank you, I got uh, this y'know "I want a job sweater."
Rachel Green: Oh.
Phoebe Buffay: And, and then I got uh, these are apartment pants.
Rachel Green: Apartment pants?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, you never heard of them?
Rachel Green: No, of course, of course I've heard of them! Ross, what did you get?
Ross Geller: Huh? Oh, I got this-this!
Rachel Green: A pajmena?
Ross Geller: Yeah! Oh, I-I love this babies!
Rachel Green: Really?
Ross Geller: Ross, wants a pajmena?
Ross Geller: It's a rug.
Rachel Green: Jill?
Jill Green: I'm sorry Rachel, I'm sorry...
Rachel Green: Oh, come on! You think that's gonna work on me?! I invented that!
Jill Green: Right! But, I am sorry.
Rachel Green: All right, it's okay. One little setback is okay, just don't let it happen again, all right? Now since daddy paid for all this stuff, I should take it all away. But I'm just gonna take the-the pajmena. And the uh, and the uh pants. Y'know what, I'm just gonna take it all away, 'cause that way you'll just really learn the lesson. Okay? All righty, I'm gonna run a couple of errands and I will see you at dinner.
Jill Green: She took all my stuff.
Ross Geller: Yeah. Everything but, the little blue one.
Jill Green: That's the best one! Oh my God, thank you so much!
Ross Geller: Well. Hey...
Jill Green: Oh my gosh, that was so lame. Like a pajmena could be a rug!
Ross Geller: Oh yeah, how about you and the, "I'm sorry!"
Jill Green: Shut up! I did not sound like that at all!
Phoebe Buffay: What about, what about when I said y'know about the apartment pants, how dumb was I?
Jill Green: Were you this cute in high school?
Ross Geller: Oh stop.
Jill Green: No you stop!
Ross Geller: No, you stop!
Jill Green: You stop!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay-okay, why don't I sit here and you'll both stop it!
Monica Geller: Okay, so what do you, what do you want to do? Let's do something crazy!
Chandler Bing: I know, let's rest and drink lots of fluids.
Monica Geller: Okay, I'll rest. But y'know if I'm going to bed, then you're coming with me.
Chandler Bing: That would be impossible to resist if you weren't all drippy here.
Monica Geller: Are you saying that you don't wanna get with this?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I don't you should say that even when you're healthy.
Monica Geller: Come on.
Chandler Bing: Don't take this personally okay? It's just that I just can't have sex with a sick person.
Monica Geller: I'm with you Chandler! I mean I can't have sex with a sick person either, that's disgusting! But I'm not sick! Let me prove it to you. We are two healthy people in the pribe of libe.
Chandler Bing: That's the thing, see I would like to stay in the pribe of mwha-ah-libe.
Rachel Green: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Rachel Green: What's up?!
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, I think there's something you should maybe know.
Rachel Green: Well, it'd better not be about the apartment pants, because I just pitched the idea to my boss at Ralph Lauren and she loved it.
Phoebe Buffay: No. No. It's just I was umm, I was with Ross and Jill after you left and umm, I'm pretty sure I saw a little spark between them.
Rachel Green: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah I mean it's probably nothing, but I just wanted to warn you that there might be something there.
Rachel Green: With Ross and Jill?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah!
Rachel Green: With Ross and my sister?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Rachel Green: With my sister Jill and my ex-boyfriend Ross?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Oh there is no way.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay then.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! I can not believe that! I mean I don't really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister isn't that like incest or something?! Oh my God, and they're gonna have sex! Oh! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh this is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I can't stop it! I can't-I don't own Ross! Y'know? And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that she wants to do! And oh my God, I can't believe Ross is marrying my little sister, this terrible. Oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.
Phoebe Buffay: But great news about the apartment pants, huh?
Joey Tribbiani: That'll be $3.85.
Woman: What do you mean? Yesterday you said I was too pretty to pay for stuff!
Joey Tribbiani: It's just I can't because my manager said I... "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Annie...
Woman: Amy!
Joey Tribbiani: "...Amy! Happy birthday to you!"
A Male Customer: Hey, that's weird, today's my birthday too!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, not it here it isn't.
Jill Green: Sorry I'm late, what's up?
Rachel Green: Oh hi! Y'know, I just wanted to see if there were any leads on the old job front.
Jill Green: Oh no! But I just walked past three sales and I didn't go in. How strong am I?
Rachel Green: That is great. Hey, y'know who doesn't have to job hunt? Ross. He works at the university.
Jill Green: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Oh so you know that, you guys talked about that, so you get along, so you think you're gonna go out?
Jill Green: Me go out with Ross?! No! God no! What would make you think that?
Rachel Green: I just, Phoebe, said y'know thought she saw something between you guys.
Jill Green: No! I mean he's nice.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Jill Green: He's the kind of guy you're friends with, y'know? But he's not the kind of guy you date. He's the kind of guy you'd date because you did. Me, not so much.
Rachel Green: Oh not-not so much. Umm, what-what do you, what do you mean is there something wrong with Ross?
Jill Green: Oh no-no-no, he's just I don't know, he's just a little bookish.
Rachel Green: Are-are you saying he's a geek?
Jill Green: You think so too?
Rachel Green: No! No I, no Ross is not a geek!
Jill Green: Fine, then let's just say he's not my type.
Rachel Green: What handsome is not your type? Smart? Kind? Good kisser? What those things aren't on your list? Ross is a great guy! You would be lucky to be with him!
Jill Green: Well okay, if it means that much to you, then I'll ask him out.
Rachel Green: Oh no-no-no, no-no-no, that's not what I meant.
Jill Green: No! Y'know what Rachel? You're right, y'know he has been really nice to me.
Rachel Green: Yeah but, he's not your type.
Jill Green: Yeah but maybe that's a good thing. Y'know I'm doing all these different sorts of things, and maybe I should try dating a geek too!
Rachel Green: Yeah but, you don't, you don't, you don't want to try to much too fast. Y'know? I mean, you do remember what happened to the little girl that tried to much too fast don't you?
Jill Green: What?
Rachel Green: She-she died Jill.
Monica Geller: Chandler!
Chandler Bing: Oh what is it honey, you need some tea? Some soup? Oh-ohhhh!
Monica Geller: Calling Dr. Big, Dr. Big to the bed.
Chandler Bing: Oh Jeez honey, I thought, I thought you were asleep.
Monica Geller: How could I be asleep knowing that you were in the next room.
Chandler Bing: I was asleep. Oh no! No-no honey! Y'know what's sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy. And blankets are sexy. And oh! Hot water bottles are sexy.
Monica Geller: Come on, get into bed! I want to prove to you that I'm not sick! I wanna make you feel, as good as I feel.
Chandler Bing: Would you please get some rest!
Monica Geller: I'm fine.
Joey Tribbiani: "Happy birthday to you!"
Gunther: You're paying for that.
Joey Tribbiani: What? No-no it's her birthday!
Gunther: You've sung Happy Birthday to 20 different women today!
Joey Tribbiani: But it really...
Gunther: You are no longer authorized to distribute birthday muffins.
Joey Tribbiani: Damnit!
Ross Geller: Rach? Hi!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Ross Geller: Did you tell your sister to ask me out?
Rachel Green: Well yeah...
Ross Geller: Oh wow! I mean, wow! I mean, I-I-I think she's cute but I-I would never have thought of going out with her, never!
Rachel Green: Really?!
Ross Geller: Yeah but after you said it was okay, I figured, "Why not?!"
Rachel Green: Oh so-so not really never.
Ross Geller: I have to say you are a much bigger person than I am. I mean after all we've been through, I just-y'know I wish I had a brother to reciprocate. Hey, if you ever want to go out with Monica, you have my blessing.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh-ho, and mine!
Monica Geller: Chandler, I think I'm sick.
Chandler Bing: Really? Struck down in the pribe of libe!
Monica Geller: Okay, fine I admit it! I feel terrible! Would you please rub this on my chest?
Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no-no-no-no, you are not getting me this way.
Monica Geller: Come on! I really need your help!
Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no-no!
Monica Geller: Fine, I'll rub it on myself.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Chandler Bing: So you're just, kinda rubbing it on yourself?
Monica Geller: Yeah?
Chandler Bing: It's nice.
Monica Geller: Are you kidding me?! Is this; is this turning you on?
Chandler Bing: Yes!
Monica Geller: I can't believe it! What is it? Is it the rubbing or the smell?
Chandler Bing: It's all very, very good. So you wanna go uh, mix it up?
Monica Geller: Not now, I'm sick!
Chandler Bing: Oh come on you big faker!
Monica Geller: What happened to your rule about never sleeping with sick people?
Chandler Bing: Well that was before all the vaporizing action.
Monica Geller: Okay, if you really wanna have sex...
Chandler Bing: Okay!
Monica Geller: Worked like a charm.
Jill Green: Hi!
Rachel Green: Hi! Wh-what are you doing here?
Jill Green: This is where Ross and I are meeting for our date. So, what do you think?
Rachel Green: Well, I-I don't like it.
Jill Green: Really?!
Rachel Green: It's kinda slutty.
Jill Green: It's yours!
Rachel Green: Yeah well, I'm-I'm a slut.
Jill Green: Me too.
Ross Geller: Hi Jill!
Jill Green: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hi .
Rachel Green: Rachel.
Ross Geller: Rachel! Well, you-you're not at home, you're-you're-you're right here.
Rachel Green: Yeah I know, and I bet you thought it would be weird. But it's not!
Ross Geller: Okay. So well I'll umm, I'll have her home by midnight.
Rachel Green: Why aren't you home yet?!
Monica Geller: Is someone there?
Rachel Green: Oh yes, it's me! Sorry!
Chandler Bing: What are you doing here?
Rachel Green: Uh, I'm just, I'm just looking out your window. At-at the view. What are you guys doing?
Chandler Bing: We got some Vap-O-Rub in some places.
Rachel Green: Oh, he brought her back to his apartment.
Monica Geller: Who? Is that your sister?
Rachel Green: Ugh, she is a slut!
Monica Geller: God, Ross is on a date with your sister! How weird is that?!
Rachel Green: Oh my God, look-look he's taking off her clothes!
Chandler Bing: He's taking off her coat!
Rachel Green: Oh, this is just terrible.
Monica Geller: Oh no it's not, no it's not. It's a first date. I'm sure that nothing is gonna...
Rachel Green: Oh.
Chandler Bing: Ho-oh, he's gonna get some! Of the glare from the streetlight out of his apartment. Y'know so umm, he's closed the drapes there so he can have a nice, pleasant conversation with your little sister. Well, I'm off to bed!