Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, how much did you guys tip the super this year?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, we were gonna give fifty, but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look bad.
Monica Geller: Oh, actually this year we just made him homemade cookies.
Chandler Bing: And twenty-five it is.
Joey Tribbiani: You gave him cookies?
Monica Geller: Money is so impersonal. Cookies says someone really cares. . . Alright, we're broke, but cookies do say that.
Phoebe Buffay: I can see that. A plate of brownies once told me a limerick.
Chandler Bing: Phoebs, let me ask you something, were, were these, uh, funny brownies?
Phoebe Buffay: Not especially. But you know what, I think they had pot in them.
Ross Geller: So you guys, who else did you tip with cookies?
Rachel Green: Uhh, the mailman, the super.
Monica Geller: Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God.
Rachel Green: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhhh, I don't think you're gonna like this.
Rachel Green: Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these are cookies smashed in the sports section.
Monica Geller: Oh look, and he did my crossword puzzle.
Ross Geller: Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is bitemebitemebitemebiteme.
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe it's Christmas already. Ya know, I mean, one day your eatin' turkey, the next thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-layin'.
Chandler Bing: Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year.
Ross Geller: Hey guys.
Ross Geller: Hey Rach. I, uh, got you a little present. . . I'll open it. It's a Slinky! Remember, huh. Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's. . . just a big spring. Alright, you still mad at me becuase of the whole. . .
Rachel Green: Horrible and degrading list of reasons not to be with me?
Ross Geller: How 'bout from now on we just call it the 'unfortunate incident'? Hey Gunther, you got stairs in your place?
Gunther: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Here, go nuts.
Ross Geller: Hey guys.
Chandler Bing: What's in the bag?
Ross Geller: Um, just some presents.
Joey Tribbiani: C'mon show us what you bought. . . You know you want to.
Ross Geller: OK. OK, this is a picture frame from Ben to my parents, huh.
Monica Geller: Cute.
Ross Geller: I got some, uh, hers and hers towels for Susan and Carol. And, uh, I got this blouse for mom.
Monica Geller: Ross, that is gorgeous!
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Monica Geller: Look at these authentic fake medals. I tell ya, mom's gonna be voted best dressed at the make-believe military academy.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Gang: Hey. Hi Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: Happy Christmas Eve Eve. Oh my God, where did you get this?
Ross Geller: Uh, Macy's, third floor, home furnishings.
Phoebe Buffay: This is my father, this is a picture of my dad.
Chandler Bing: Nah, Phoebs, that's the guy that comes in the frame.
Phoebe Buffay: No it isn't, this is my dad, alright, I'll show you.
Rachel Green: Phoebe, I thought your dad was in prison.
Phoebe Buffay: No, that's my stepdad. My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born.
Rachel Green: How have you never been on Oprah?
Phoebe Buffay: OK, look, see, this is him. My mother gave me this picture before she died, same guy.
Monica Geller: Honey, uh, this is a picture of the frame guy posing in front of a bright blue screen with a collie.
Phoebe Buffay: It's not a blue screen... it's just, maybe it was just really clear that day. OK, I have to talk to my grandmother.
Monica Geller: Oh, wait a minute honey.
Gang: Phoebs.
Monica Geller: Wow.
Joey Tribbiani: So anyway, I'm trying to get my boss's ex-wife to sleep with me. . .
Gang: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, but when Phoebe has a problem, everyone's all ears!
Grandmother: Esther Livingston. Gone.
Grandmother: Hi, Phoe.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi Gram. Whatcha doin'?
Grandmother: Oh, just updating the phonebook.
Phoebe Buffay: Um, gram, um, can I see the pictures of my dad again?
Grandmother: Oh. Oh, sure, sure, uh, uh, how come?
Phoebe Buffay: Just, you know, to see... um.
Grandmother: Oh, sure, yeah. This is the one of you father in a meadow, and, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite, and here he is at a graduation. . . another graduation. . . another graduation.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, is this really my father?
Grandmother: Is it really your fa-I can't... well of course it is.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that's 'cause someone's pants are on fire.
Grandmother: Look, I. . .
Phoebe Buffay: Ya know, in all the years that we have been grandmother and granddaughter, you have never lied to me.
Grandmother: Alright, that is not your father, that's just a picture of a guy in a frame.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh God.
Grandmother: It was your mother's idea. Ya know, she didn't want you to know your real father because it hurt her so much when he left, and, I didn't want to go along with it, but, well then she died and, and it was harder to argue with her. Not impossible, but harder.
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, so, what, he's not a famous tree surgeon? And then, I guess, OK, he doesn't live in a hut in Burma where there's no phones?
Grandmother: Last I heard, he was a pharmacist somewhere upstate.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, that makes no sense. Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist?
Grandmother: Honey.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Grandmother: Anyway, that's all I know. That, and this. This is the real him.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Chandler Bing: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.
Rachel Green: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.
Chandler Bing: Who said anything about Christmas?
Monica Geller: Hi.
Ross Geller: Hey, anyone hear from Phoebe yet?
Rachel Green: No, nothin'.
Monica Geller: I hope she's OK.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I know exactly what she's goin' through.
Monica Geller: How do you know exactly what she's going through?
Joey Tribbiani: She told us.
Chandler Bing: So whaddya got there Monica?
Monica Geller: Just some stuff for the party.
Ross Geller: Yeah, what're you guys doin' here, aren't you supposed to be Christmas shopping?
Monica Geller: You guys haven't gotten your presents yet? Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, what're ya gonna do?
Chandler Bing: Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that?
Rachel Green: Oh, by the way Mon, I don't think the mailman liked your cookies. Here are the ornaments your mom sent.
Monica Geller: Well, maybe the mailman liked the cookies, we just didn't give him enough.
Joey Tribbiani: Monica, pigeons learn faster that you.
Ross Geller: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I know what'll make you feel better. How 'bout you make a list about me.
Rachel Green: Wha... forget it Ross, no, I am not gonna stand here and make a list of. . .
Ross Geller: C'mon Rachel.
Rachel Green: OK, you're whiney, you are, you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're gutless, you know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know. You like me for what, a year, you didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair.
Ross Geller: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said.
Rachel Green: Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do feel better, thank you Ross.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have the number of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in Ithica. . . alright, um, Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you shouldn't call youself information.
Grandmother: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hello grandma, if that is in fact your real name.
Grandmother: C'mon now Phoe, don't still be mad at me. How's it going?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, not so good. Upstate's pretty big, he's pretty small, you do the math.
Grandmother: Well, I think you're better off without him. Oh honey, I know he's your daddy but, but to me he's still the irresponsible creep who knocked up your mom and stole her Gremlin.
Phoebe Buffay: No I just, just wanted to know who he was, ya know.
Grandmother: I know. OK, I wasn't completely honest with you when I told you that, uh, I didn't know exactly where he lived.
Phoebe Buffay: Whattaya mean?
Grandmother: He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far. You can take my cab.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow. Thank you.
Grandmother: Now, remember, nobody else drives that cab.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'm gonna see my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa! Commercial
Joey Tribbiani: Phoebe here with the cab yet?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab. . . hop in.
Joey Tribbiani: Well she better get here soon, the outlet stores close at 7.
Chandler Bing: Hey, don't worry. I figure it'll be 2 hours to Phoebe's dad's house, they'll meet, they'll chat, they'll swap life stories, we'll still have plenty of time.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, here she comes.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Can you believe this. In, like, two hours I'm gonna have a dad. Eeeshk.
Chandler Bing: Eeeshk.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, big stuff.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, let's go.
Chandler Bing: OK.
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, here, you have to hold this.
Chandler Bing: OK. Brake left, gas right?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, yeah, that's my cheat sheet.
Chandler Bing: Where's my seat belt?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, no no, that side doesn't have one, the paramedics had to cut through it.
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Ross Geller: C'mon, just tell me, please, please.
Monica Geller: For the sixteenth time, no... I do not think you're obsessive.
Rachel Green: Oh, gosh, it's hot in here.
Monica Geller: Rach, get the heat. Ross, could you turn the heat down please?
Ross Geller: Sure. By the way, there's a difference between being obsessive and. . .
Monica Geller: Ross, the heat!
Ross Geller: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm the obsessive one. OK, this way is on, so this is. . . off.
Rachel Green: Did you just break the radiator?
Ross Geller: No, no, I was turnin' the knob and, and. . . here it is.
Monica Geller: Well put it back.
Ross Geller: It uhh, it won't go back.
Rachel Green: I'll call the super.
Monica Geller: Here, let me try.
Ross Geller: Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your ability to fuse metal.
Monica Geller: Hey, it's Funny's cousin, Not Funny.
Rachel Green: Hi, Mr. Treeger. Hi, it's Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes, somebody, uh, broke our knob on the radiator and it's really hot in here. Yes, it's, it's hot enough to bake cookies. Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6? Wha t, no, no, Tuesday, we can't wait until Tuesday, we're having a party tonight.
Ross Geller: OK, tip the man.
Monica Geller: No, if he doesn't like our cookies, too bad, I am not gonna be blackmailed. Look if worse comes to worse, it gets a little warm, we'll call it a theme party.
Ross Geller: Hey, here's a theme: Come on in, live like bacon.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, this is it, 74.
Chandler Bing: Oh, so that's what this is for.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow, this is it, I'm gonna meet my dad. This is like the biggest thing ever, huh.
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Sure is.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, here I go. I'm goin' in.
Chandler Bing: Alright.
Joey Tribbiani: Good luck Phoebs.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, here I go. . . here I go. . . I'm goin'.
Rachel Green: Hi, welcome to our tropical Christmas party. You can put your coats and sweaters and pants and shirts in the bedroom.
Ross Geller: It's hard to tell because I'm sweating, but I use exactly what the gel bottle says, an amount about the size of a pea. How, how can that be too much?
Monica Geller: Ice, ice, ice squares anyone? Take a napkin. Alright.
Ross Geller: Monica, Monica, your guest are turning into jerky, OK.
Monica Geller: Really? I'm perfectly comfortable. Hey, hey, hey, get in line buddy, I was next.
Rachel Green: Mr. Treeger.
Mr. Treeger: Uhh, you said there was a party.
Rachel Green: Oh, yeah, well hey, welcome to our sauna.
Mr. Treeger: Ahh, is it hot? My body always stays cool, probably 'cause I have so much skin. Hey, cheese!
Ross Geller: Alright, alright, here's the chance. Monica give him cash, Rachel give him your earrings. Something, now, anything.
Monica Geller: No, I will not cave.
Rachel Green: Yeah, I'm with Mon.
Ross Geller: Alright, alright, you know how you say I never seize the day? Well, alright, even though he's your super, I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger, here is 50 bucks, merry Christmas.
Mr. Treeger: Oh wow, I didn't get you anything. Here's five back.
Ross Geller: No no, no, that, that's your Christmas tip, alright. Oh, hey, do you think there's a chance you could fix that radiator now?
Mr. Treeger: No can do, like I told the girl, I can't get a new knob until Thursday.
Monica Geller: Ross.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Monica Geller: Looks like he's playin' baseball.
Ross Geller: You mean hardball?
Monica Geller: Whatever.
Rachel Green: What'cha gonna' do?
Ross Geller: Excuse me, I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger, here's another 50, happy Hanukkah. Will uh, will this help with the knob getting?
Mr. Treeger: No, the place is not open 'till Tuesday. Am I not saying it right.
Monica Geller: So, wait, you really did like my cookies?
Mr. Treeger: Oh, yeah, they were so personal, really showed you cared.
Rachel Green: Nice seizing. . . gel boy.
Mr. Treeger: So, uh, is this, uh, mistletoe?
Rachel Green: Huh-huh, no act-no, uhh, that, that is basil.
Mr. Treeger: Ahh, if it was mistletoe, I was gonna kiss ya.
Rachel Green: Huh-hoo, yeah, no, it's still basil.
Phoebe Buffay: OK.
Joey Tribbiani: How far'd ya get?
Phoebe Buffay: Mailbox.
Chandler Bing: Alright, we're gettin' closer.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh.
Joey Tribbiani: Phoebs, what's goin' on?
Phoebe Buffay: No, it's just like, ya know, it's a whole mess of stuff, ya know. It's like, yesterday, ya know, my dad was this, like, famous Burma tree surgeon guy and, ya know, now he's a, a pharmacist guy and. . .
Joey Tribbiani: Well, maybe he's, maybe he's this really cool pharmacist guy.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know, and, and I'll knock on the door and, and he'll hug me and I'll have a dad. Ya know and I'll, I'll go to his pharmacy and everyone will be really nice to me 'cause, you know, I'm Franks daughter.
Chandler Bing: Well, so why not go knock?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, what if he's not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what if he's just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I've already lost a fake dad this week and I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.
Joey Tribbiani: Phoebs, that's OK. You took a big step today.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, and someday when you're ready, you'll make it past the hedges.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, and when you do, he'll be lucky to have you.
Phoebe Buffay: You guys. I'm sorry about your shopping.
Chandler Bing: Oh, that's OK, we'll figure something out.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, listen Phoebs, I know you're not goin' in there but do you think it'd be alright if I went in and used his bathroom? Oh, that's fine, never mind. Cool, snow, kinda like a blank canvas.
Chandler Bing: Ho, ho, ho, holy crap is it hot in here!
Joey Tribbiani: Really, hey, you mind if I turn the heat down?
Monica Geller: Hey, we could have used that kind of thinkin' earlier.
Ross Geller: Hey, Phoebs, how'd it go.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I couldn't go in.
Monica Geller: Honey, I'm sorry.
Ross Geller: Are you OK?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, yeah, no it's OK 'cause, I mean, I know he's there, so, that's enough for now.
Chandler Bing: Hey, guys, it's after midnight, merry Christmas everyone.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Monica, the knob was broken so I just turned it off from underneath, I hope that's alright.
Joey Tribbiani: Rach, these are for you.
Rachel Green: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.
Joey Tribbiani: No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do.
Chandler Bing: OK, Phoebs, your turn.
Phoebe Buffay: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh-huh.
Phoebe Buffay: You guuuyys.
Joey Tribbiani: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.
Ross Geller: You got me a cola drink?
Chandler Bing: And, a lemon lime.
Ross Geller: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater.
Chandler Bing: And last but not least.
Joey Tribbiani: They're ribbed for your pleasure.


Joey Tribbiani: When I was little, I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff.
Ross Geller: Hiiiiii.
Phoebe Buffay: Are... are you OK?
Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work. A stegosaurus fell over and trapped a kid. Whoa, whoa, I know this jacket, this is, th-Fun Bobby's jacket! Where is he, what. He, he's here, isn't he?
Monica Geller: Maybe.
Ross Geller: Don't toy with me.
Bobby Rush: Geller!
Ross Geller: Hey, Fun Bobby!
Bobby Rush: Hey. Whoa, hey, you've been working out, huh?
Ross Geller: Not at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so psyched to hear you're back with my sister!
Monica Geller: You and me both.
Bobby Rush: Hey, so what'd I miss, what'd I miss, c'mon?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, we were just trying to make Joey feel better.
Bobby Rush: Hey, do you need me to pick you up?
Joey Tribbiani: No, I'm alright man. Really.
Bobby Rush: No, I'm picking you up.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey no, seriously, I don't need you to pick me... Alright! It still works.
Bobby Rush: OK, now before I go, does anybody else need to be picked up? I'm still gonna go.
Monica Geller: OK, I'll see you later babe.
Bobby Rush: Uh, public display of affection coming up. You can avert your eyes.
Bobby Rush: See ya.
Everyone: Bye! See you later!
Phoebe Buffay: Fun Bobby is so great.
Monica Geller: Oh, isn't he? Oh, you know, I really think this time it may work with him. I mean, he just makes me feel so good and I've been feeling so lousy this last couple of months, no job, no boyfriend. Well, at least my cup is half full.
Phoebe Buffay: Half full of looooovvvvve.
Monica Geller: And for our two-week anniversary, he's gonna take me to his cousin's cabin for the weekend.
Phoebe Buffay: Cabin of loooooovvvvve.
Rachel Green: We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys.
Monica Geller: Really? I only had two glasses.
Joey Tribbiani: I just had a glass.
Phoebe Buffay: Two.
Rachel Green: I had one glass.
Chandler Bing: I had about a mugful in this lovely 'I got boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug.
Rachel Green: OK, so that's... that's what, two bottles? And yet somehow we went through five?
Ross Geller: Oooooh.
Joey Tribbiani: Ooooooh.
Monica Geller: So what. So he drank a lot tonight.
Ross Geller: Yeah but, you know, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a... a drink in his hand.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Oh, OOOH, yeah, you know, did you notice how he always starts his stories with, um, OK, 'I was soooo wasted,' or, 'Oh, we were soooo bombed,' or, ummm, ooh, ooh, 'So I wake up, and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut.'
Joey Tribbiani: Monica, have you ever been with him when he wasn't drinking?
Monica Geller: Well, we just happen to go to alot of places where you might drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having a drink? Or... or to a club, or to the... zoo.
Monica Geller: Rach, does this have nonfat milk?
Rachel Green: Ehhhummmm, I don't know, why don't you taste it.
Monica Geller: Mmmm, no.
Rachel Green: Oh well, too late, sorry, you already had some.
Bobby Rush: Whattaya say we make these, uh, coffees Irish?
Phoebe Buffay: Um, cake.
Rachel Green: Yeah, we're gonna... we're gonna get some cake.
Monica Geller: You know what? It seems like you've been making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately.
Bobby Rush: Well, I would make them Belgian, but the waffles are hard to get into that flask.
Monica Geller: Bobby.
Bobby Rush: Yeah, OK.
Monica Geller: Look, maybe this is none of my business, or maybe it is, I don't know... but, uh, I'm kind of worried about you.
Bobby Rush: OK, look, this isn't the first time somebody's said something to me about this, but, I don't know... I always made excuses about it, like... uhhh... 'I'm just a social drinker,' or, 'C'mon, it's Flag Day.'
Monica Geller: So, what are you saying now?
Bobby Rush: I guess I'm saying, I'll try and quit. I kinda like that you worry about me.
Phoebe Buffay: Sooo, what's goin' on, huh?
Bobby Rush: I am gonna try and quit drinking.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooohh, why?
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Guess who's back in show business.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, ohh, Lorne Green?
Chandler Bing: No, no, Phoebs. You know why? Cause he's dead.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, no.
Chandler Bing: OK, I guess this is gonna seem kinda bittersweet now, but... Joey, that's who.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, my agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.
Chandler Bing: Hey, yeah... we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey Rach, what time do you get off? We're all gonna do something tonight.
Rachel Green: Ummmm... well, actually I'm already done, but I...I kinda got plans.
Monica Geller: You have other friends?
Rachel Green: Yeah... I, uhh... I have a... I have a date.
Monica Geller: What?
Joey Tribbiani: With a man?
Rachel Green: What? What is so strange about me having a date?
Joey Tribbiani: What about Ross? I mean, are you still mad at him cause he made that list about you?
Rachel Green: Noooo, no, I'm not mad at him. I'm.. I'm not really anything at him anymore.
Monica Geller: What are you talking about?
Rachel Green: I don't know. Whatever I was feeling, I'm... not.
Phoebe Buffay: But you guys came so close.
Rachel Green: Oh, I know, I'm sorry you guys. You're just gonna have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross.
Rachel Green: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this is Russ.
Russ: Hhhhiiiii.
Estelle Leonard: Stop saying you're not talented, you're very talented. It's just with the bird dead and all, there's very little act left. Oh, honey, give me a break, will ya? Oooh, ooh, I'll talk to you later.
Estelle Leonard: Well, there's my favorite client. So tell me darling, how was the audition?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I think it went pretty well. I.. I got a callback for Thursday.
Estelle Leonard: Joey, have you ever seen me ecstatic?
Joey Tribbiani: No.
Estelle Leonard: Well, here it is.
Joey Tribbiani: OK, uh... listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. The network casting lady...
Estelle Leonard: Oh, isn't Lori a doll?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, yeah, she's great, but... I kinda got the feeling that she was sort of... coming on to me. And I definitely would get the part if I would've... you know... if I would have sent the Little General in.
Estelle Leonard: Oh, I see. Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here and we'll find out what's goin' on and straighten it out. Yeah, hi, Lori please. Hi darling. So how 'bout Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver, isn't he terrific? Uh-huuuuh. Uh-huuuuh. OK, doll. Talk to you later. Yeah, you're gonna have to sleep with her.
Rachel Green: What's the matter?
Monica Geller: It's Fun Bobby.
Rachel Green: What, isn't he sober?
Monica Geller: Oh, he's sober alright. Just turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason.
Rachel Green: Ohhh, OK.
Monica Geller: Alright, here you go, sweetie.
Bobby Rush: Thanks. You wanna hear something funny?
Monica Geller: Oh God, yes!
Bobby Rush: There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.
Phoebe Buffay: That is funny.
Bobby Rush: I needed to buy a hammer the other night, and I'm out walkin' around the neighborhood but apparently there are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.
Monica Geller: Ahhh, hey honey? Don't you have to be at your interview now?
Bobby Rush: Oh yeah. See you guys.
Chandler Bing: Bye... ridiculously dull Bobby.
Monica Geller: Oh... my... God.
Phoebe Buffay: It's not that bad.
Monica Geller: Not that bad? Did you hear the hammer story?
Phoebe Buffay: OK, OK, don't get all squinky.
Rachel Green: Maybe it was just the kind of story where you have to be there.
Monica Geller: But I'm gonna be there... for the rest of my life. I mean, I can't break up with him. I'm the one who made him quit drinking. He's dull because of me.
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, don't say that. He's probably always been dull. You just, you know, set it free.
Russ: Hi.
Chandler Bing: Hey Ross... bahhhh!
Rachel Green: Hi Russ, I've just got two more tables to clean and then we'll go, OK?
Russ: OK, I'll just sit here and... uh... chat with your, uh... friend-type...people.
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel? Um, hi.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, so, you know what you're doing, right?
Rachel Green: Uhh... waitressing?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, yeah, but... no. I mean, umm... doesn't... doesn't Russ just remind you of someone?
Rachel Green: Huh, Bob Saget?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah! No, no, no, no, oh, oh.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, my, oh!
Ross Geller: What? What's wrong?
Phoebe Buffay: I, OK...
Monica Geller: She's just upset because she, uh, she buttered a spider into her toast this morning.
Ross Geller: Alright.
Chandler Bing: Listen, Phoebs, this is gonna be OK. Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross.
Russ: Hi.
Ross Geller: Hi.
Russ: Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's?
Ross Geller: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of Rachel's?
Russ: Actually, I'm a... kind of a... you know, a... date-type... thing... of Rachel's.
Ross Geller: A date.
Russ: Yeah, I'm her date.
Ross Geller: Oh, oh, you're... uh... you're, oh you're the date.
Chandler Bing: You know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare.
Russ: Oh, you are the, uh... paleontologist.
Ross Geller: Yes, yes I am. And you are a...
Russ: Periodontist.
Monica Geller: See? They're as different as night and... later that night.
Ross Geller: Well, I am going to, uh... get a beverage. It was nice, nice... uh... meeting you.
Russ: Ditto.
Ross Geller: I, uh, well... I... I met Russ.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Ross Geller: Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people.
Rachel Green: Well, we're not seeing each other, so...
Ross Geller: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a... well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal...
Rachel Green: Well, yeah, this is the deal.
Ross Geller: OK, well, um, have a nice evening.
Rachel Green: Um, Russ, you ready?
Russ: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Bye.
Monica Geller: Bye.
Phoebe Buffay: Bye.
Ross Geller: She's dating. She's dating.
Chandler Bing: Yes, yes, but did you see who she was dating?
Ross Geller: What do you mean?
Monica Geller: Do you not see it?
Ross Geller: See what? I don't know what she sees in... innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like... like... I don't know, uhh... uhhh, hello... a... week, to get out a sentence.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?
Ross Geller: ...Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part, or... uh, Italy called and said it was hungry.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, the part's mine if I want it.
Chandler Bing: Oh my God!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, if I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady.
Chandler Bing: Oh my... God?
Joey Tribbiani: Ten years I've been waiting for a break like this Chandler, ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives. That's actually on television.
Chandler Bing: So, what're you gonna do?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I guess I could sleep with her... I mean, how could I do that?
Chandler Bing: Well, I... I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I need to know.
Joey Tribbiani: I've never slept with someone for a part.
Chandler Bing: Well is she...
Joey Tribbiani: Sorry.
Chandler Bing: It's alright. Is she good-looking?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, she's totally good looking. I mean, if I met her in a bar, or something, I'd be buying her breakfast. You know, after having slept with her.
Chandler Bing: Y'know, maybe this isn't such a big deal. Y'know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job and you get to have sex. Y'know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas.
Joey Tribbiani: I just... I just don't think that I want it that way though, y'know? I mean, let's say I do make it, alright? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of.. y'know, the Little General.
Chandler Bing: Didn't you used to call it the Little Major?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.
Waiter: Can I get you something from the bar?
Monica Geller: Yes, I would like something. No, no thank you.
Bobby Rush: If... if you want to drink, it's OK with me, I've got to get used to it.
Monica Geller: No, no really. I.. I wouldn't feel right about it. Just some water.
Bobby Rush: So the light went out in my refrigerator...
Monica Geller: I'd like a scotch on the rocks with a twist.
Chandler Bing: Hey, we're having some fun now, huh, Ross? Wanna do another one, huh Russ? OK... eleven letters, atomic element number 101... ends in ium.
Russ: Dysprosium.
Ross Geller: Dysprosium? Try mendelevium.
Chandler Bing: And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine-down, Knights in White Satin was sung by the Doody Blues.
Phoebe Buffay: You don't see it? You actually don't see it?
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: OK honey, you're dating Ross.
Rachel Green: No, Phoebs. I'm dating Russ.
Phoebe Buffay: Russ is Ross. Russ... Ross!
Rachel Green: Steve... sleeve!
Phoebe Buffay: OK, noone is named Sleeve.
Rachel Green: Phoebe, what the hell are you talking about? Other than their names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing.
Ross Geller: For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark.
Russ: You could not be more wrong. You could try... but you would not be successful.
Chandler Bing: OK, I'm gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins.
Russ: I know what your problem is.
Ross Geller: Oh you do, do you?
Russ: Um-hum, you're jealous.
Ross Geller: Of... of what?
Russ: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor.
Ross Geller: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma.
Russ: Hey, you listen.
Ross Geller: No, no, let me finish.
Russ: No, let me finish.
Ross Geller: No, you let me fini...
Ross Geller: Hi.
Russ: Hi.
Rachel Green: Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww!
Rachel Green: Did Joey say what he was gonna go when he left?
Chandler Bing: No, I don't even think he knew. Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job?
Rachel Green: I don't know. Who would I have to sleep with?
Chandler Bing: Me.
Rachel Green: Why would I have to sleep with you?
Chandler Bing: It's my game. You want the job or not?
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Monica Geller: Morning.
Ross Geller: Where ya goin'?
Monica Geller: Bobby and I are going away for the weekend, remember?
Ross Geller: Ooooohhhh.
Phoebe Buffay: What's with all the bottles of liquor?
Ross Geller: What's going on, is... uh, Bobby drinking again?
Monica Geller: Oh no no, this is not for him, this is for me. That way he's still sober but I find his stories about shoelaces much more amusing.
Rachel Green: Oh God, even his knock is boring.
Monica Geller: Hi. I'll be ready in just a second.
Bobby Rush: Uh, can I talk to you a minute?
Monica Geller: Sure.
Bobby Rush: This is really hard for me to say.
Monica Geller: Oh God, you fell off the wagon.
Bobby Rush: Oh, no, no, it's about you.
Monica Geller: What about me?
Bobby Rush: I think you may have a drinking problem.
Monica Geller: What these? Oh, these are, um, for.. cuts and scrapes.
Bobby Rush: Look, I am just not strong enough to be in a codependent relationship right now, OK?
Monica Geller: Oh... shoot.
Bobby Rush: Well, anyway, I hope we can be friends.
Monica Geller: OK.
Monica Geller: Take care.
Bobby Rush: You too.
Rachel Green: What happened?
Monica Geller: Well we... we kinda broke up.
Gang: Awwwwwwww.
Monica Geller: Does anybody want these?
Chandler Bing: I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Gang: Hey!
Ross Geller: How'd the callback go?
Joey Tribbiani: It was unbelievable! I walked in there and she was all over me.
Chandler Bing: So what'd you do?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I couldn't do it. I told her I didn't want to get the part that way.
Ross Geller: Good for you.
Joey Tribbiani: But wait, wait, wait. Then, after I left her office, she caught up with me at the elevator and offered me an even bigger part.
Phoebe Buffay: So... and?
Joey Tribbiani: Soooooo... you are now looking at Dr. Drake Ramore, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least four episodes!
Gang: Allright!
Joey Tribbiani: Alright... I've got to go shower.
Russ: Hi.
Chandler Bing: Oh, hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi.
Russ: I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I'm sorry man.
Russ: Oh, all she said was that I remind her too much of somebody. You have any idea who she's talking about?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh I do, it's... it's Bob Saget. She hates him.
Russ: Oh.
Julie: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, Julie! Hey, how are you doing?
Julie: Um, oh, I don't know. I mean, it's definitely weird not being with Ross, but I guess I'm doing OK. Actually I've got some of his stuff that he, um...


Ross Geller: Ok. Here's his diaper bag, and his uh, Mr. Winky, and uh...oh, him. Hi!
Carol Willick: So how did everything go?
Ross Geller: Oh, great. Great. There was a projectile, uh, throwing up incident, but he started it.
Carol Willick: Well, we've gotta go.
Ross Geller: Ok.
Susan Bunch:
Carol Willick: Oh, right. Um, I've got some news. It's about us.
Ross Geller: Oh, you and me?
Carol Willick: Uh, no, Susan and me.
Susan Bunch: The other us.
Ross Geller: Ok.
Carol Willick: We're uh, we're getting married.
Ross Geller: As in, "I now pronounce you wife and wife" married?
Carol Willick: Anyway, we'd like you to come, but we totally understand if you don't want to.
Ross Geller: Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding.
Carol Willick: Look I just thought that...
Ross Geller: No no no, I mean, hey, why shouldn't I be happy for you? What would it say about me if I couldn't revel in your joy? I'm revelling baby, believe me!
Susan Bunch: Is your finger caught in that chair?
Ross Geller: Mmm hmmm.
Carol Willick: Want us to go?
Ross Geller: Uh-huh.
Ross Geller: This is so cool. You're actually gonna be on television.
Joey Tribbiani: It really hit me last night. I'm gonna be on Days of our Lives. And then I started thinkin' about all of u, and how these are the days of our lives..
Monica Geller: Yes! Carol and Susan's caterer had a mountain bike accident this weekend, and she's in a full body cast.
Monica Geller: They want me to do it, which is really cool, seeing as I've never catered before, and I really need the money, and this isn't a problem for you, is it?
Ross Geller: Would it matter?
Monica Geller: Oh, you are so great! Thank you!
Joey Tribbiani: Are you really not going?
Ross Geller: I am really not going. I don't get it. They already live together, why do they need to get married?
Monica Geller: They love each other, and they wanna celebrate that love with the people that are close with them.
Ross Geller: If you wanna call that a reason.
Chandler Bing: Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor.
Monica Geller: Ross, I thought you were over this.
Ross Geller: Look, that has nothing to do with this, ok? She's my ex-wife. If she were marrying a guy, none of you'd expect me to be there.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be like the worst lesbian ever.
Rachel Green: Did I miss it? Did I miss it?
Joey Tribbiani: No, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself.
Chandler Bing: Whoa, she's pretty.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, and she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry, what?
Monica Geller: What?
Joey Tribbiani: It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this.
Chandler Bing: Oh, ok.
Joey Tribbiani: There's my scene, there's my scene. "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon.
Mrs. Wallace: Is she gonna be all right?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..subcranial hematoma. Perhaps we can discuss this over coffee.
Chandler Bing: Nice!
Rachel Green: That's great!
Ross Geller: Excellent!
Chandler Bing: For a minute there I thought you were actually tryin' to smell something.
Ross Geller: That is so good! Do it again!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, all right. "Damnit Braverman, it's right there on the chart!"
Chandler Bing: That's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.
Ross Geller: No no, that's me.
Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah.
Ross Geller: Oh, hello.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, thanks. I couldn't uh...
Ross Geller: Is everything ok?
Phoebe Buffay: Um, no, huh-uh. One of my clients died on the massage table today.
Ross Geller: Oh my god.
Chandler Bing: That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, um, she was 82 years old. Her name was um, Mrs. Adelman.
Monica Geller: Oh, honey.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, it's just so strange. I mean, she probably woke up today and thought, "ok, I'll have some breakfast, and then I'll take a little walk, and then I'll have my massage." Little did she know God was thinking, "Ok, but that's it." Oh, but the weirdest thing was, ok, I was cleansing her aura when she died, and when the spirit left her body, I don't think it went very far.
Rachel Green: What do you mean?
Phoebe Buffay: I think it went into me.
Monica Geller: God, this is so hard. I can't decide between lamb or duck.
Chandler Bing: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks.
Rachel Green: Ok, who ordered what?
Ross Geller: Oh, I believe I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim.
Chandler Bing: Yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf?
Rachel Green: Oh god.
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe you're so uptight about your mom comin'.
Rachel Green: I know, but it's just it's the first time, and I just don't want her to think that because I didn't marry Barry, that my life is total crap, you know?
Phoebe Buffay: Talk about crap. Try listening to Stella Niedman tell the story of her and Rod Steiger for the hundredth time.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, Pheebs, how long do you think this lady'll be with us?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. I mean, she obviously has some kind of unfinished business. Sit up!
Sandra Green: There she is.
Rachel Green: Mom!
Sandra Green: Sweetie! So this is where you work? Oh, it's wonderful! Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who can tell? But I guess that's the fun.
Rachel Green: Pretty much.
Sandra Green: Monica! You look gorgeous! Last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten.
Rachel Green: This is Joey, and Phoebe, and this is Chandler, and you remember Ross.
Sandra Green: Oh hello, Ross.
Ross Geller: Hi, Mrs. Green.
Sandra Green: So, what do you think of my daughter in the apron with the big job?
Rachel Green: Oh Mom!
Sandra Green: If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink.
Chandler Bing: Believe me, sometimes that happens.
Sandra Green: This is just so exciting. You know, I never worked. I went straight from my father's house to the sorority house to my husband's house. I am just so proud of you.
Rachel Green: Really?
Sandra Green: Yes.
Phoebe Buffay: I know who it is you remind me of. Evelyn Dermer. 'Course, that's before she got the lousy face lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales.
Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs, who's Evelyn Dermer?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. Who's Soupy Sales?
Sandra Green: Oh my god, there's an unattractive nude man playing the cello.
Rachel Green: Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.
Sandra Green: You have some life here, sweetie.
Rachel Green: I know. And Mom, I realize you and Daddy were upset when I didn't marry Barry and get the big house in the suburbs with all the security and everything, but this is just so much better for me, you know?
Sandra Green: I do. You didn't love Barry. And I've never seen you this happy. I look at you and I think, oh, this is what I want.
Rachel Green: For...me.
Sandra Green: Well, not just for you.
Rachel Green: Well, what do you mean?
Sandra Green: I'm uh, considering leaving your father.
Monica Geller: All right. Tell me if this is too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts.
Rachel Green: Oh god. I think I'm gonna be sick.
Monica Geller: Why? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them.
Ross Geller: And you had no idea they weren't getting along?
Rachel Green: None.
Joey Tribbiani: They didn't fight a lot?
Rachel Green: No! They didn't even talk to each other. God, how was I supposed to know they were having problems?
Phoebe Buffay: In my day, divorce was not an option.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, look who's up.
Rachel Green: I just can't believe this is happening. I mean, when I was little, everybody's parents were getting divorced. I just figured as a grownup I wouldn't have to worry about this.
Monica Geller: Is there any chance that you can look at this as flattering? I mean, she's doing it because she wants to be more like you.
Rachel Green: Well, then, you know, couldn't she have just copied my haircut?
Chandler Bing: You know, it's funny when my parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves. But in your case it's actually kinda true.
Phoebe Buffay: That's him.
Chandler Bing: Damn. My mail order grandfather hasn't come yet.
Mr. Adelman: Phoebe?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, hi, Mr. Adelman. Thanks for meeting me.
Mr. Adelman: Oh, that's all right, although you did cut into my busy day of sitting.
Phoebe Buffay: Um, do you wanna sit?
Mr. Adelman: Oh, no, please, I spent most of mid-morning trying to stand up. Now uh, what can I do for you, my dear?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know how to say this, but I think when your wife's spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me.
Mr. Adelman: You're saying, my wife is in you?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Ok, you don't have to believe me but um, can you think of any unfinished business she might have had, like any reason she'd be hanging around?
Mr. Adelman: Well, I don't know what to tell you dear. The only thing I can think of is that she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything.
Phoebe Buffay: Everything?
Mr. Adelman: Everything.
Phoebe Buffay: Whoa, that's a lot of stuff.
Mr. Adelman: Oh, wait, I remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, there's laughing in my head.
Mr. Adelman: Worth a shot, huh?
Sandra Green: Look at this.
Rachel Green: These are from Halloween three years ago.
Sandra Green: Oh, look, here's Barry. Did he have to come straight from the office?
Rachel Green: No, that was his costume. See, he's actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist.
Monica Geller: Um, you guys, you know when I said before, "thank you, but I don't really need your help"?
Rachel Green: Actually, what I think you said was, "don't touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen."
Monica Geller: Really? Weird. Anyway, see, I planned everything really well. I planned and I planned and I planned. It just turns out, I don't think I planned enough time to actually do it.
Rachel Green: Hey, Mon, you want some help?
Monica Geller: If you want.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey. What a day. I took her everywhere. The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center, Statue of Liberty.
Rachel Green: She's still with you?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. I guess she hasn't seen everything yet. I'll be right back, she has to go to the bathroom again. Oh, such a pretty face.
Sandra Green: This is so much fun, just the girls. You know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?
Rachel Green: God!
Monica Geller: All right, look, nobody's smoking pot around all this food.
Sandra Green: That's fine. I never did it. I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex?
Rachel Green: Oh! What's new in sex?
Sandra Green: The only man I've ever been with is your father.
Monica Geller: I'm dicing, I'm dicing, I don't hear anything.
Sandra Green: I mean, this is no offense to your dad, sweetie, but I was thinking there might be more.
Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? I cannot have this conversation with you. I mean, god, you just come in here, and drop this bomb on me, before you even tell Daddy. What? What do you want? Do you want my blessing?
Sandra Green: No.
Rachel Green: You want me to talk you out of it?
Sandra Green: No.
Rachel Green: Then what? What do you want?
Sandra Green: I guess I just figured of all people you would understand this.
Rachel Green: Why on earth would I understand this?
Sandra Green: You didn't marry your Barry. I did.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Monica Geller: All right people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move!
Chandler Bing: Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles.
Monica Geller: Joey, speed it up!
Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry, it's the pigs. they're reluctant to get in the blankets!
Phoebe Buffay: Monica, how did this happen? I thought you had this all planned out.
Monica Geller: Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you wanna see me cry?
Phoebe Buffay: Sir! No sir!
Monica Geller: All right, you!
Ross Geller: No. Look, I told you I am not a part of this thing.
Monica Geller: All right, look, Ross. I realize that you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you, I do. But if you don't help me cook, I'm gonna take a bunch of those little hot dogs, and I'm gonna create a new appetizer called "pigs in Ross". All right, ball the melon.
Chandler Bing: Hey! How come I'm stuck dicing, when he gets to ball the melon.
Monica Geller: Hi.
Carol Willick: How's it going?
Monica Geller: It's goin' great. Right on schedule. Got my little happy helpers.
Carol Willick: Fine, whatever.
Ross Geller: What's the matter?
Carol Willick: Nothing. Ok, everything. I think we're calling off the wedding.
Ross Geller: What?
Monica Geller: You're still gonna pay me, right? Or something a little less selfish.
Ross Geller: Carol, what's the matter? What happened?
Carol Willick: My parents called this afternoon to say they weren't coming.
Ross Geller: Oh my god.
Carol Willick: I mean, I knew they were having trouble with this whole thing, but they're my parents. They're supposed to give me away and everything.
Ross Geller: It's ok. I'm sorry.
Carol Willick: And then Susan and I got in this big fight because I said maybe we should call off the wedding, and she said we weren't doing it for them, we were doing it for us, and if I couldn't see that, then maybe we should call off the wedding. I don't know what to do.
Ross Geller: I uh can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I think Susan's right.
Carol Willick: You do?
Ross Geller: Look, do you love her? And you don't have to be too emphatic about this.
Carol Willick: Of course I do.
Ross Geller: Well then that's it. And if George and Adelaide can't accept that, then the hell with them. Look, if my parents didn't want me to marry you, no way that would have stopped me. Look, this is your wedding. Do it.
Carol Willick: You're right. Of course you're right.
Monica Geller: So we're back on?
Carol Willick: We're back on.
Monica Geller: You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I can't believe I lost 2 minutes.
Joey Tribbiani: It just seems so futile, you know ? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.
Chandler Bing: Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding.
Phoebe Buffay: Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later.
Carol Willick: Thank you.
Ross Geller: Any time.
Carol Willick: Ross.
Minister: You know, nothing makes God happier than when two people, any two people, come together in love. Friends, family, we're gathered here today to join Carol and Susan in holy matrimony.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my god. Now I've seen everything! Whoa, she's gone. She's gone. She's gone! Go ahead, get married. Go, go.
Monica Geller: Would you look at them?
Ross Geller: Yeah, can't help but.
Joey Tribbiani: How's that pig-in-the-blanket workin' out for you? I wrapped those bad boys.
Phoebe Buffay: I miss Rose.
Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah?
Phoebe Buffay: I know it's kind of weird, but I mean, she was a big part of my life there, you know, and now I just feel kind of alone.
Woman: You know, I uh, I couldn't help but overhear what you just said, and I think it's time for you to forget about Rose, move on with your life...how 'bout we go get you a drink?
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, that's so nice.
Chandler Bing: I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right?
Rachel Green: Hey, Mom? Having fun?
Sandra Green: Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not saying it's something I wanna pursue, but it's nice to know I have options.
Rachel Green: There's more alcohol, right?
Susan Bunch: How you doin'?
Ross Geller: Ok.
Susan Bunch: You did a good thing today.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Susan Bunch: You wanna dance?
Ross Geller: No, that's fine.
Susan Bunch: Come on. I'll let you lead.
Ross Geller: Ok.
Chandler Bing: All right look. Penis schmenis. We're all people.
Monica Geller: Ok, which one of us do you think is gonna be the first one to get married?
Ross Geller: Well, Mon, I was married.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, me, too, technically.
Rachel Green: I had a wedding.
Monica Geller: All right, just trying to start an interesting discussion.
Joey Tribbiani: I got one. Which one of us do you think will be the last to get married?
Chandler Bing: Isn't Ben in this?
Everyone: Oh, yeah!


Ross Geller: That commercial always makes me so sad.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.
Ross Geller: I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.
Phoebe Buffay: I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin.
Monica Geller: And the fact that they're both monkeys.
Ross Geller: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away.
Rachel Green: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.
Ross Geller: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. . . all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got.
Chandler Bing: Rhythm?
Joey Tribbiani: No, my first fan mail.
Everyone: Alright!
Monica Geller: 'Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.'
Rachel Green: Ya know, in crazy world, that means you're married.
Monica Geller: This wasn't addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my god, I got my very own stalker.
Ross Geller: Hey guys.
Everyone: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin' Jake?
Ross Geller: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.
Chandler Bing: You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion.
Rachel Green: Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So everyone just laugh, now.
Phoebe Buffay: I know, I know. Hello.
Rob: Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi Rob Dohnen.
Rob: I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really, really great.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, wow.
Rob: Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner?
Chandler Bing: Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves.
Chandler Bing: Hello.
Erica Ford: It's Erica.
Joey Tribbiani: Ah, the stalker.
Erica Ford: Never mind, it's open.
Chandler Bing: Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.
Joey Tribbiani: Let's get out of here.
Chandler Bing: The one time they're not home.
Joey Tribbiani: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met.
Chandler Bing: That's how radio stars escape stalkers.
Joey Tribbiani: She's comin'.
Erica Ford: It's me.
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna die. Ready?
Chandler Bing: Wait, wait, wait.
Erica Ford: Hi.
Joey Tribbiani: Erica.
Dean Lipson: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question.
Ross Geller: Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchan, answers to the name Marcel.
Dean Lipson: Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on.
Ross Geller: Oh my God, what happened?
Dean Lipson: Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died.
Ross Geller: I can't believe this.
Dean Lipson: I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there's an old saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.' It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.
Ross Geller: Well, ya know, someone should have called me.
Dean Lipson: I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring him back but here, it's just a gesture.
Ross Geller: Zoo dollars?
Dean Lipson: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died.
Kids: Ooohhh.
Phoebe Buffay: I know.
Monica Geller: I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.
Chandler Bing: Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery?
Chandler Bing: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.
Rachel Green: And she's not crazy?
Chandler Bing: Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.
Rachel Green: Oh my God.
Monica Geller: Ah, and I mean, he's going out with her? He can not persue this.
Chandler Bing: Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.
Rob: You OK?
Phoebe Buffay: No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear.
Rob: That's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason the last guy got fired.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?
Ross Geller: I was thinkin' about it.
Phoebe Buffay: OK. OK, alrighty, let's play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe
Everyone: Hi Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes, she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike. But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner. Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru, but the truth is she died and some day you will too. La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...
Erica Ford: Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah it is. . . what?
Erica Ford: Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching someone's spinal cord.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites.
Erica Ford: Who's they?
Joey Tribbiani: No one.
Erica Ford: Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won't.
Joey Tribbiani: Good, otherwise my watch would fall off.
Erica Ford: No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?
Joey Tribbiani: Alright, just one. Wow, you're good at that.
Waiter: Oh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is anyone here a doctor?
Erica Ford: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.
Janitor: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.
Ross Geller: Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?
Janitor: It's about your monkey. It's alive.
Erica Ford: I don't understand, why didn't you help that man?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something.
Erica Ford: No, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore?
Joey Tribbiani: But that's what...
Erica Ford: I should just be happy to be near you.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey I-
Erica Ford: Hey what?
Joey Tribbiani: That's it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! Hey. He-hey.
Phoebe Buffay: There'll be times when you get older when you'll want to sleep with people just to make them like you. . . But don't. Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody That's another thing that you don't wanna do.
Monica Geller: Excellent!
Chandler Bing: Very informative!
Rachel Green: Not at all inappropriate!
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back.
Rob: That was great, the kids loved you.
Phoebe Buffay: Yay, I rock.
Rob: And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible.
Phoebe Buffay: But.
Rob: How did you know there was a but?
Phoebe Buffay: I sense these things. It was either but or butter.
Rob: The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals.
Phoebe Buffay: I can do that.
Rob: Really?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Rob: Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me?
Phoebe Buffay: Thinkin' about it.
Janitor: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe.
Ross Geller: Buddy, my monkey?
Janitor: Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your monkey was taken.
Ross Geller: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead.
Janitor: The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya?
Ross Geller: That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.
Janitor: Of course they're gonna say he's dead. They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?
Ross Geller: That guy Lipson?
Janitor: Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows?
Ross Geller: No, I, I only know Lipson.
Janitor: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with...
Ross Geller: Buddy, my monkey, my monkey.
Janitor: Word on the street - well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.
Ross Geller: Of course.
Janitor: Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know.
Ross Geller: This is unbelievable.
Janitor: So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?
Ross Geller: Are you trying to get me to bribe you?
Janitor: Maybe.
Ross Geller: But you already told me everything.
Ross Geller: Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey.
Rachel Green: Well, so what're you gonna do?
Ross Geller: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.
Chandler Bing: That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, hi again.
Everyone: Hi Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals. Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo. Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up, And that's how we get hamburgers. Nooowww, chickens!
Tv Doctor: You're the only one who can save her Drake.
Joey Tribbiani: Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God.
Ross Geller: Well, there goes my whole belief system.
Erica Ford: It's Erica.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.
Rachel Green: No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.
Rachel Green: Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina?
Monica Geller: Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Erica, c'mon in.
Erica Ford: How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem?
Joey Tribbiani: Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up?
Erica Ford: Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?
Joey Tribbiani: Who?
Erica Ford: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge.
Joey Tribbiani: It's not what you think, that was...
Erica Ford: You told me I was the only one.
Joey Tribbiani: Alright look, that's it. I don't think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.
Erica Ford: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?
Joey Tribbiani: Somebody wanna help me out here?
Rachel Green: Oh, I know, I know.
Erica Ford: How, how can you be here and there.
Joey Tribbiani: 'Cause it's a television show.
Erica Ford: Drake, what're you getting at?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm not Drake.
Ross Geller: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin.
Erica Ford: Is this true?
Rachel Green: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me.
Monica Geller: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't.
Chandler Bing: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard.
Erica Ford: Is all this true?
Joey Tribbiani: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you.
Erica Ford: Oh Hans.
Ross Geller: Hans...Hans...Yo evil twin.
Joey Tribbiani: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care
Erica Ford: I'll never forget you Hans.
Joey Tribbiani: OK, alright, the people who threw the water.
Phoebe Buffay: Fired! Why?
Rob: The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.
Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?
Rob: No.
Phoebe Buffay: I see.
Rob: Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs.
Phoebe Buffay: No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
Rob: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.
Phoebe Buffay: Who's Barney.
Ross Geller: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.
Rachel Green: You're kidding.
Joey Tribbiani: This is amazing.
Ross Geller: I know.
Joey Tribbiani: I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's makin' movies.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, Rachel, I'm ready.
Rachel Green: OK.
Kid: Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth?
Phoebe Buffay: Um, yeah I guess that's me.
Kid: She's here.
Phoebe Buffay: Sometimes men love women, sometimes men love men, and then there are bisexuals, though some just say they're kidding themselves. la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
Ross Geller: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.
Chandler Bing: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?
Security Guard: C'mon people, back up please, back up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
Ross Geller: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey?
Security Guard: I'm sorry guys, closed set.
Ross Geller: Uh, I'm sorry, you don't understand, I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together.
Security Guard: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.
Monica Geller: Ross, there he is.
Ross Geller: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. a-weema-way, a-weema-way...


Security Guard: Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh...
Joey Tribbiani: Closed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey.
Ross Geller: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante.
Joey Tribbiani: Woah, dude, burn.
Ross Geller: I don't get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday.
Trainer: Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all.
Rachel Green: Now just how big of a star is Marcel?
Trainer: In human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard.
Everyone: Woah.
Chandler Bing: So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.
Director's Assistant: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready for the subway set?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?
Director's Assistant: The one in the director's chair.
Joey Tribbiani: Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me.
Phoebe Buffay: OK. Um, how come I'm walking with you?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin', is he lookin'?
Susie Moss: We've got a problem.
Director's Assistant: Tell me.
Susie Moss: I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustasche.
Director's Assistant: Is it bad?
Susie Moss: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan.
Director's Assistant: I'll talk to her.
Susie Moss: I hate actors.
Chandler Bing: Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya.
Susie Moss: Excuse me.
Chandler Bing: Ahhhh.
Susie Moss: Uh, is your name Chandler?
Chandler Bing: Uh, yes, yes it is.
Susie Moss: Chandler Bing?
Chandler Bing: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?
Susie Moss: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.
Chandler Bing: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up.
Susie Moss: It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.
Chandler Bing: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.
Susie Moss: Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.
Chandler Bing: Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore.
Monica Geller: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Rachel Green: What what what what?
Monica Geller: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot.
Rachel Green: Ya think?
Monica Geller: The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop?
Rachel Green: No, was he any good in it?
Monica Geller: Rachel, he like, totally changed time.
Rachel Green: Wow, so why don't you go talk to him?
Monica Geller: Oh, yeah.
Rachel Green: What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen?
Monica Geller: He could hear me.
Rachel Green: OK, I'm doin' it for ya.
Monica Geller: Oh Rachel don't, don't you dare, don't, don't. Tell him I cook.
Rachel Green: Excuse me. Hi.
Jean-Claude Van Damme: Hi.
Rachel Green: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you're cute.
Jean-Claude Van Damme: You don't think I'm cute?
Rachel Green: I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her?
Jean-Claude Van Damme: You can tell her I think her friend is cute.
Chandler Bing: No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows.
Susie Moss: OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating?
Chandler Bing: OK that's not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money.
Susie Moss: Oh that's me, I gotta go.
Chandler Bing: Oh uh, o, OK.
Susie Moss: Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date.
Chandler Bing: Well, uh, let's try one more. . . there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock.
Susie Moss: I'll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear.
Chandler Bing: No one was around to hear that?
Monica Geller: So what'd he say?
Rachel Green: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no.
Monica Geller: Well, thanks anyway.
Rachel Green: He just kept asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking.
Monica Geller: Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that's what you want to do...
Rachel Green: Jean-Claude she said yes, I'll see you tonight. Thank you.
Rachel Green: And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.
Rachel Green: Does anybody need anything?
Monica Geller: Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking it yourself.
Rachel Green: That is so unfair.
Phoebe Buffay: I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme.
Ross Geller: Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let me have him for a couple of hours.
Joey Tribbiani: You're blowin' me off for a monkey?
Ross Geller: Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.
Chandler Bing: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.
Phoebe Buffay: Stick a fork what?
Chandler Bing: Like, when you're cooking a steak.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.
Chandler Bing: Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?
Phoebe Buffay: Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell.
Chandler Bing: OK, then, eat me, I'm done.
Chandler Bing: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'
Monica Geller: What did you say?
Chandler Bing: Ahh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you just know.
Susie Moss: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.
Chandler Bing: Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes tops.
Susie Moss: Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.
Susie Moss: But um, here's an idea, have you ever worn women's underwear?
Chandler Bing: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there.
Susie Moss: Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.
Chandler Bing: You want me to wear your panties?
Susie Moss: Could ya?
Chandler Bing: Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You're swell.
Ross Geller: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish, banannacake.
Joey Tribbiani: Oooh.
Ross Geller: With mealworms.
Joey Tribbiani: Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What'dya thinks gonna happen here tonight?
Ross Geller: Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey's gotta work. No it, it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had anything special planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, Rachel, why don't you start talking first.
Rachel Green: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV set?
Phoebe Buffay: Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share...
Monica Geller: Ya know, you had no right to go out with him.
Rachel Green: That is the most ridiculous.
Monica Geller: You sold me out.
Rachel Green: I did not sell you out.
Monica Geller: Yes you did. Absolutely.
Rachel Green: Would you let me talk.
Monica Geller: Did you just flick me?
Rachel Green: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- Ow. That hurt
Monica Geller: Quit flicking
Rachel Green: Ow, you stop flicking.
Monica Geller: You flicked me first.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.
Rachel Green: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want?
Monica Geller: Uh-huh.
Rachel Green: You want me to just call him up and tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what you want?
Monica Geller: OK.
Rachel Green: Oh that's what you want.
Monica Geller: Yes.
Rachel Green: Fine.
Monica Geller: Fine,
Phoebe Buffay: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
Ross Geller: Thanks for letting me tag along tonight you guys.
Joey Tribbiani: Forget about it.
Susie Moss: How you doin there squirmy?
Chandler Bing: I'm hangin in. . . and a little out.
Joey Tribbiani: So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities.
Director's Assistant: I have nothing to do with casting.
Joey Tribbiani: So what're you guys gonna eat?
Susie Moss: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
Chandler Bing: Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.
Susie Moss: I want you right here, right now.
Chandler Bing: Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa They do have the shrimp.
Susie Moss: Meet me in the bathroom.
Chandler Bing: I'm going to the bathroom now.
Susie Moss: C'mon.
Chandler Bing: I can't believe we're doing this.
Susie Moss: Alright mister, let's see those panties.
Chandler Bing: Alrighty.
Susie Moss: Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier?
Chandler Bing: What?
Susie Moss: If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them.
Chandler Bing: Oh.
Susie Moss: Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off.
Chandler Bing: OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials.
Susie Moss: C'mon hurry, hurry.
Chandler Bing: Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right?
Susie Moss: Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind.
Chandler Bing: OK.
Susie Moss: Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of steel video.
Chandler Bing: Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie.
Susie Moss: This is for the fourth grade.
Chandler Bing: Huh? Where, whaddya mean?
Susie Moss: Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that's what I mean.
Chandler Bing: What, what's what you mean?
Susie Moss: My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants 'till I was 18.
Chandler Bing: That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?
Susie Moss: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this.
Chandler Bing: Alright, I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back.
Monica Geller: I can't believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? Can you beat up that guy?
Jean-Claude Van Damme: Sure.
Monica Geller: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.
Jean-Claude Van Damme: Normally, I would not do it.
Monica Geller: Well, what made you make the exception for me?
Jean-Claude Van Damme: 'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and...
Monica Geller: Say you're sorry.
Rachel Green: No.
Monica Geller: Say it.
Rachel Green: No.
Monica Geller: Rachel, you say you're sorry or your sweater gets it.
Rachel Green: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater.
Monica Geller: Say you're sorry.
Rachel Green: OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's play.
Monica Geller: What're you gonna do?
Rachel Green: You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara.
Monica Geller: You don't have the guts.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes that's right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.
Monica Geller: I'll help you fix your sweater.
Rachel Green: I'll help you throw out your purse.
Monica Geller: I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him.
Rachel Green: Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.
Monica Geller: I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves
Chandler Bing: Joey?
Joey Tribbiani: Ma?
Chandler Bing: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I though you guys took off.
Chandler Bing: Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.
Joey Tribbiani: Are you naked in there?
Chandler Bing: Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties.
Joey Tribbiani: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?
Chandler Bing: No, no, this is the first time.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.
Chandler Bing: I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, let me see.
Chandler Bing: No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever.
Joey Tribbiani: Alright, alright. Woah, someone's flossing.
Ross Geller: Joey, some people don't like that.
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler's wearing panties.
Ross Geller: What? Let me see.
Chandler Bing: No, no, you don't have to see.
Ross Geller: Hi Tushie.
Chandler Bing: Alright, one of you give me your underpants.
Joey Tribbiani: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any.
Chandler Bing: How can you not be wearing any underwear?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.
Chandler Bing: Alright look Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.
Everyone: Hi.
Chandler Bing: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm almost done with it, keep your panties on.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie.
Ross Geller: What happened?
Joey Tribbiani: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.
Ross Geller: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God.
Ross Geller: What?
Jean-Claude Van Damme: I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me, or you and me. Drew was very disappointed.
Rachel Green: OK, well, bye.
Jean-Claude Van Damme: Goodbye.
Monica Geller: Well, bye for me too.
Rachel Green: OK, well, bye-bye again.
Monica Geller: OK.
Jean-Claude Van Damme: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . .
Jean-Claude Van Damme: Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt.
Rachel Green: Impressive.
Monica Geller: But no. Maybe if I were baking.
Ross Geller: Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss you buddy.
Phoebe Buffay: You know, I think I want to write a song about all this.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?
Chandler Bing: How long you been waitin' to say that?
Phoebe Buffay: About 20 minutes. CLOSING CREDITS
Jean-Claude Van Damme: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
Joey Tribbiani: Aaaaagggghhhhh.
Director: Cut.
Jean-Claude Van Damme: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
Joey Tribbiani: Aaaaagggghhhhh.
Director: Cut.
Jean-Claude Van Damme: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
Joey Tribbiani: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy
Director: Cut.
Jean-Claude Van Damme: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dead.


Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hey. Hold on a second. Huh?
Joey Tribbiani: Nice, nice. Hey I got somethin' for you. [hands Chandler an envelope.
Chandler Bing: What's this?
Joey Tribbiani: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.
Chandler Bing: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. What is this for?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I'm makin money now and this is payin' you back for head shots, electric bills, and so many slices of pizza I can't even count. I love ya man.
Chandler Bing: Well, thanks man. Now I can get my pony.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, this is a little extra somethin' for uh, ya know, always bein' there for me.
Chandler Bing: Wow, I don't know what to say. Wow, I, I don't know what to say.
Joey Tribbiani: Heh, what d'ya say?
Chandler Bing: I don't know. It's a bracelet.
Joey Tribbiani: Isn't it? And it's engraved too, check it out.
Chandler Bing: To my best bud. Thanks best bud.
Joey Tribbiani: Put it on.
Chandler Bing: Oh, now? No, no, I think something this nice should be saved for a special occasion.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, no no, that's the beauty part, it goes with everything. You put this on, you're good to go. Ohhh man, you are so wearin' that bracelet.
Chandler Bing: I so am.
Joey Tribbiani: You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life?
Chandler Bing: Well, it'll probably slow it down at first but, once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track.
Interviewer: Well, this all looks good.
Monica Geller: Great.
Interviewer: And if I want to call for a reference on your last job?
Monica Geller: Oh, that's there on the bottom, see the manager, Chandler Bing.
Interviewer: Alright, lets see if you're as good in person as you are on paper. Make me a salad.
Monica Geller: A salad? Really I, I could do something a little more complicated if you like.
Interviewer: No, just a salad will be fine.
Monica Geller: You got it.
Interviewer: Now, I want you to tell me what you're doing while you're doing it.
Monica Geller: Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce.
Interviewer: Uh-huh. Is it dirty?
Monica Geller: Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it.
Interviewer: Don't, I like it dirty.
Monica Geller: That's your call.
Interviewer: So, uh, what are you going to do next?
Monica Geller: Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos.
Interviewer: Are they, uh, firm?
Monica Geller: They'r alright.
Interviewer: You sure they haven't gone bad? You're sure they're not very, very bad?
Monica Geller: No really, they're OK.
Interviewer: You gonna slice them up real nice?
Monica Geller: Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne.
Interviewer: Aaaahhhhhhh.
Monica Geller: I'm outa here.
Ross Geller: Y-ello. No, Rachel's not here right now, can I take a message? Alright, and how do we spell Casey, is it like at the bat or and the Sunshine Band? OK, bye-bye. Hey, who's this uh, this Casey?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, some guy she met at the movies.
Ross Geller: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her?
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance. . . ya know, make a little love. . . well pretty much get down tonight.
Ross Geller: I don't know, I don't get, I don't get it, I mean, wh, wh, two months ago Rachel and I were like, this close. Right now, what, I'm takin messages from guys she, she meets at the movies? I mean this, this Casey should be takin' down my messages, ya know, or, or, Rachel and I should be together and, and we should get some kind of me, message service.
Phoebe Buffay: Hang in there, it's gonna happen.
Ross Geller: Wha, OK, now how do you know that?
Phoebe Buffay: Because she's your lobster.
Chandler Bing: Oh, she's goin' somewhere.
Phoebe Buffay: C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, ya know, holding claws like. . .
Chandler Bing: Hey, you feelin' better?
Monica Geller: Yeah, I think that fifth shower actually got the interview off me.
Phoebe Buffay: So, do you have any other possibilities?
Monica Geller: Oh yeah, well there's the possibility that I won't make rent.
Ross Geller: Monica, if you want, I can lend you some money.
Monica Geller: No no no, if I couldn't pay you back right away then I'd feel guilty and tense every time I saw you.
Ross Geller: Oh OK. Well then why don't you, uhh, why don't you borrow it from mom and dad? You feel guilty and tense around them already. You might as well make some money off of them.
Chandler Bing: Ya know, the man's got a point.
Phoebe Buffay: What is that sparkly thing?
Chandler Bing: That thing, it's a uhh. . . yeah it's, it's a little flashy.
Ross Geller: No no, no no, it's not flashy, not for a Goodfella.
Monica Geller: Man, man that is sharp. It must have cost you quite a few debloons.
Monica Geller: Hi.
Ross Geller: Hi.
Judy Geller: Hi darling.
Monica Geller: So, what's this.
Ross Geller: Some of your old stuff.
Judy Geller: Well sweetie, we have a surprise for you. We're turning your room into a gym.
Monica Geller: Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little question, uh, why not Ross's room?
Ross Geller: Gosh, we talked about that but your brother has so many science trophies and plaques and merit badges, well we didn't want to disturb them.
Monica Geller: Oh, God forbid.
Judy Geller: Oh, hi Rachel.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Judy Geller: Oh, we were so sorry to hear about your parents splitting up, dear.
Rachel Green: Oh, well, you know, they're just separated so, you know, never know, we'll see.
Ross Geller: Well, I can't say any of us were surprised. Your parents have been unhappy ever since we've known them. Especially after that incident in Hawaii.
Rachel Green: What, what incident?
Ross Geller: Uhh, naa, no no no, I, I must be thinking of someone else, uh, maybe me. Don't you have some folding to do? Go fold dear. Fold. You fold.
Phoebe Buffay: Do you want a refill?
Chandler Bing: No, I'm alright, thanks.
Phoebe Buffay: OK. Ooh, OK, you gotta give me a second, I wanna get this just right. Dude, 11 o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out. That was really good, I think I'm ready for my penis now.
Chandler Bing: I know what you're thinking, Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's.
Gail: I'm Gail.
Chandler Bing: Chandler.
Gail: I, I really have to be somewhere but it was nice meeting you.
Chandler Bing: What? Oh this is excellent. You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller, the eyesore from the Liberace house of crap.
Phoebe Buffay: It's not that bad.
Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, Chandler.
Chandler Bing: I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . Hi. Hey man, we were just doin' some uhh, impressions over here. Do your Marcel Marceau. That's actually good.
Ross Geller: Would you look at that guy, I mean how long has he been talking to her. It's like, back off buddy she's a waitress not a geisha.
Phoebe Buffay: I think she's OK.
Ross Geller: Look at that, look at that, see how she's pushing him away and he won't budge. Alright, I'm gonna do something. Excuse me, are you Rachel?
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: I'm Ross Geller. Wha, I'm, God in your add you said you were pretty but wow.
Rachel Green: What are you, what are you doin'?
Ross Geller: Oh, oh my God, is this the wrong day? I don't believe it, uh, well, hey, I guess if it works out we'll, we'll have something to tell the grandkids.
Man: Sure will. I've uh, gotta go. Take care.
Ross Geller: OK, see ya later, nice meeting you. You're welcome.
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: I was saving you.
Rachel Green: Saving, saving, saving me from the pleasant conversation with the interesting man, saving me?
Ross Geller: Oh, see from where I was sitting I uh. . .
Rachel Green: OK, Ross, listen to me, I am not yours to save.
Ross Geller: But, you are.
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: Uh, uh, well you're, umm, you're my lobster.
Rachel Green: OK, you know what, are, are you being like, the blind date guy again?
Ross Geller: No no, you're uh, you're my lobster. See um, lobsters, uhh, in the tank when, when they're old, uhh, they get with, uhh, they walk around holding the claws. In the tank, ya know, with, with the holding and. . . Uhh, Phoebs you wanna help me out with the, the whole lobster thing?
Phoebe Buffay: Do the claws again.
Ross Geller: Rach. OK, forget, forget the lobsters OK. We're, let's talk, what about us?
Rachel Green: Ross, there is no us, OK.
Ross Geller: No, but. . .
Rachel Green: No, listen to me. I fell for you and I get clobbered. You then fall for me and I again, somehow, get clobbered. I'm tired of being clobbered, ya know, it's, it's just not worth it.
Ross Geller: Well, but, but. . .
Rachel Green: NO but Ross. We are never gonna happen, OK. Accept that.
Ross Geller: E-except, except that what?
Rachel Green: No, no, ACC-cept that.
Ross Geller: Oh.
Chandler Bing: Hey man, look it's my best bud. How ya doin? Wow, you are really gettin' good at that Marcel Marceau thing. Hey, whaddya say uh, we play some ball, you and me, huh, whaddya say? OK, that's my bad.
Joey Tribbiani: If you hated the bracelet so much, Chandler, you should have just said so.
Chandler Bing: Well, doesn't the fact that I wore the bracelet even though I hated it say something about our friendship and how much it means to me?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me?
Chandler Bing: OK, well that's the part where I'm a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn't focus on that. Hey, c'mon man, I said I was sorry like a hundred times, I promise I will never take it off my. . . wrist. But if, if you want to stay in there and be mad, you know, you just uh, you stay in there.
Joey Tribbiani: You know what the. . .
Chandler Bing: I am here, on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now. . .
Ross Geller: You know, that Steffi Graf has quite a tush. I'm just saying, it's right there.
Ross Geller: Hey guys.
Judy Geller: Hi, darling. Where's my grandson, you didn't bring him?
Ross Geller: No, he's at uh, Carol's and Susan's today.
Ross Geller: A woman in my office is a lesiban. I'm just saying.
Judy Geller: Oh, Jack look, there's that house paint commercial that cracks you up.
Monica Geller: Where have you been?
Ross Geller: Emotional hell. So, did they lend you the money yet?
Monica Geller: No, but that's probably 'cause I haven't asked them yet.
Ross Geller: C'mon Monica, do it. Hey, you guys, um, Monica has some news.
Monica Geller: Um, yeah, so uh, uhh, listen, I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before but umm, I, I'm no longer at my job, I, I had to leave it.
Judy Geller: Why?
Monica Geller: Because they made me.
Judy Geller: You were fired? What're you gonna do?
Ross Geller: Judy, Judy, relax, this is our little harmonica we're talking about. We taught her well. Ten percent of your paycheck, where does it go?
Ross Geller: There you go. So she dips into her savings, that's what it's there for. She's gonna be fine, and if you need a little extra, you know where to find it.
Monica Geller: Anything larger back there?
Chandler Bing: I can't believe it.
Phoebe Buffay: Would you stop already? Get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay.
Chandler Bing: Oh, you're right I, I should play in the hay. Forget about the fact that I just dropped 400 dollars to replace a bracelet that I hated to begin with. Bring on the hay.
Rachel Green: Hey. I've got something that's gonna make you happy. Guess what Gunther found?
Phoebe Buffay: Hey now you have two. Oh, now you have two.
Chandler Bing: What am I gonna do, huh?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: How come you have two?
Chandler Bing: Well this one's for you.
Joey Tribbiani: Get out.
Chandler Bing: No, I can't. No no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, it's about you and me and the fact that we're best buds.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies.
Chandler Bing: That's what they'll call us.
Ross Geller: Here you go, you can pay me back whenever you like.
Monica Geller: You have dinosaur checks?
Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah I mean, you get your money and you learn a little something, what's wrong with that?
Monica Geller: Nothin', nothin', hey you're a cheapasaurus. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, thank you, I'm very greatful.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, Mon, what is this?
Monica Geller: Oh, um, that was my bathing suit from high school. I was uh, a little bigger then.
Chandler Bing: Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Monica, what's on this video tape?
Monica Geller: Hey, you got me, put it in.
Ross Geller: Oh.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Ross Geller: Hi.
Judy Geller: Over here Jack. OK. I see, Rachel's coming up the path. Oh doesn't she look pretty. Jack, get this.
Rachel Green: Oh my God.
Joey Tribbiani: What is with your nose?
Rachel Green: They had to reduce it because of, of my deviated septum.
Chandler Bing: OK, I was wrong, that's what they used to cover Connecticut.
Monica Geller: You know what this is, this is us getting ready for the prom.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Ross Geller: You know what, you guys, we don't have to watch this.
Everyone: Oh yeah we do. C'mon.
Judy Geller: Get a shot of Monica. Where's Monica.
Monica Geller: Over here dad.
Ross Geller: Wait, how do you zoom out? There she is.
Joey Tribbiani: Some girl ate Monica.
Monica Geller: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler Bing: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?
Monica Geller: Oh, you look so great.
Rachel Green: Ahh, so do you, beautiful.
Monica Geller: Oops.
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller: Shoot, I think I got mayonaise on you.
Rachel Green: Oh, that's OK, it's just the shoulder, it's not my dress.
Ross Geller: Everybody smile.
Monica Geller: Oh, dad, turn it off.
Ross Geller: It is off.
Monica Geller: Dad, it is not. What's with the red light?
Ross Geller: It's the off light. Right Ross?
Joey Tribbiani: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter.
Ross Geller: You look pretty tonight.
Rachel Green: Oh, thanks. So, uh, what are you gonna do this summer?
Ross Geller: Oh, you know, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna hang out, work on my music.
Rachel Green: Is my hook unhooked? These things keep falling down, I can't. . .
Ross Geller: Uh, hold, let me see, I don't know. So what're you gonna do. . .
Rachel Green: Oh, the guys are here.
Ross Geller: this summer?
Chandler Bing: Work on your music?
Rachel Green: Oh my God, look there's Roy Gublik.
Monica Geller: Ya know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. His name was in the paper.
Rachel Green: Where's Chip, why isn't he here yet?
Roy: He'll be here OK, take a chill pill.
Monica Geller: I just told Rachel that Roy touched my boob.
Rachel Green: I can't go to my own prom without a date, I can't, it's too late.
Monica Geller: If you're not going then I don't want to go either.
Roy: Oh, I'm gonna kick Chip's ass.
Judy Geller: I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the prom.
Ross Geller: Doubtful.
Judy Geller: Jack, give me that. Talk to your son.
Ross Geller: Your mother's right. Take her, you can wear my tux.
Ross Geller: Dad, she won't want to go with me.
Ross Geller: Of course she would, you're a college man.
Ross Geller: I don't know.
Ross Geller: Well, c'mon. Don't ya want to find out?
Rachel Green: I can't believe I don't get to go to my own prom, this is so harsh.
Ross Geller: OK. Hold my board.
Ross Geller: Atta boy.
Ross Geller: OK, you guys, ya know, I think we've seen enough, let's turn it off.
Everyone: No, no, no.
Ross Geller: OK, fine, well I'm not gonna watch, alright.
Ross Geller: C'mon kid, let's go.
Judy Geller: Ahh, are you hadsome.
Ross Geller: Let's show 'em.
Ross Geller: Uh, just a sec dad. OK, be cool, just be cool. OK dad.
Ross Geller: Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining. . . oh no.
Judy Geller: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off?
Ross Geller: Press the button.
Judy Geller: Which one? Which button, Jack.
Ross Geller: The button, the button.
Monica Geller: I can't believe you did that.
Ross Geller: Yeah, well.
Phoebe Buffay: See, he's her lobster.
Judy Geller: Dance with him.
Monica Geller: Mom, I'm hungry.
Judy Geller: Dance with your father.
Ross Geller: I may not know any of your flash dances but I'm no slouch on the dance floor.
Monica Geller: Alright.
Judy Geller: Oh, Jack.
Ross Geller: Oh, Judy. Oh, Judy.
Both: Oh, ohhhhh.