Monica Geller: I can't believe we've never done this before! It's sooo good! So good for Monica!
Chandler Bing: Oh! Look at that, time's up! My turn!
Monica Geller: That was a half an hour?
Chandler Bing: It's your timer.
Monica Geller: Y'know, I don't like to brag about it, but I give the best massages!
Chandler Bing: All right, then massage me up right nice!
Chandler Bing: Ah! Ahh!! Ahh!!
Monica Geller: It's so good, isn't it?
Chandler Bing: It's so good I don't know what I've done to deserve it!
Monica Geller: Say good-bye to sore muscles!
Chandler Bing: Good-bye muscles!!
Chandler Bing: I'm telling you, she gives the worst massages ever!! Okay, it was like she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up I just-I didn't know what it was!
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler, if it really hurts that bad you should just tell her.
Chandler Bing: Look, for the first time in my life I'm in a real relationship. Okay, I'm not gonna screw that up by y'know, telling the truth.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, dude, look out! You almost crushed my hat!
Ross Geller: Sorry.
Chandler Bing: And the bunny got away.
Ross Geller: This would be the place where you explain the hat.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Yeah, look there's this play all right? And I'm up for the part of this real cool like suave international guy. A real clothes horse. So I figure that everyone at the audition is gonna be wearing this kinda y'know, ultra-hip, high fashion stuff.
Chandler Bing: And you're gonna make them all disappear.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, like you could find something as sophisticated as this.
Chandler Bing: Done.
Rachel Green: Joey, if you wanna look good, why don't you just come down to the store? I'll help you out.
Joey Tribbiani: Great! Thanks, Rach!
Rachel Green: Sure! God, please take those off!
Joey Tribbiani: All right.
Ross Geller: Hey Pheebs, how's it going?
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Umm, well, only okay because I just got back from, from the hospital.
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: Is everything okay?
Joey Tribbiani: Are you all right?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, no-no-no. I'm fine. I'm okay, but umm, my Grandma sorta died.
Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs! Sorry!
Phoebe Buffay: It's okay, I mean she had a really incredible life. And it's not like I'm never gonna see her again, y'know she's gonna visit.
Rachel Green: Well maybe, maybe she's with us right now?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, her first day on a new spiritual plane and she's gonna come to the coffeehouse!
Monica Geller: Guys! Guys! I just saw two people having sex in a car right outside.
Ross Geller: Uhh, Pheebs' Grandmother just died.
Monica Geller: Ohh my God, I'm so sorry.
Phoebe Buffay: It's okay. Actually y'know what, it's kinda cool. 'Cause it's like y'know, one life ends and another begins.
Monica Geller: Not the way they're doing it. What, what happened? How did she die?
Phoebe Buffay: Well umm, okay we were in the market and she bent down to get some yogurt and she just never came back up again.
Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs, I'm so sorry.
Phoebe Buffay: It was really sweet. The last thing she said to me was; "Okay dear, you go get the eggs and I'm gonna get the yogurt and we'll meet at the checkout counter." And y'know what? We will meet at the checkout counter.
Rachel Green: Okay now Joey, y'know that since you're returning all of this stuff right after the audition you're gonna have to wear underwear?
Joey Tribbiani: All right, then you'd better show me some of that too then.
Rachel Green: Okay, it's missing something. Ooh, I know! Umm, okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Really? A purse?
Rachel Green: It's not a purse! It's a shoulder bag.
Joey Tribbiani: It looks like a women's purse.
Rachel Green: No Joey, look. Trust me, all the men are wearing them in the spring catalog. Look. See look, men, carrying the bag.
Joey Tribbiani: See look, women, carrying the bag. But it is odd how a women's purse looks good on me, a man.
Rachel Green: Exactly! Unisex!
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.
Rachel Green: No! No Joey! U-N-I-sex.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.
Ursula Buffay: Who is it?
Phoebe Buffay: It's Phoebe.
Ursula Buffay: Oh great! Oh, you. Umm, what's up?
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, well I sorta have some bad news, can I come in?
Ursula Buffay: Umm, yeah-no thanks.
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, well, umm Grandma died.
Ursula Buffay: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago?
Phoebe Buffay: No, she just died today! Okay, umm, we're having a memorial service tomorrow.
Ursula Buffay: Okay, I know that I went to that all ready.
Phoebe Buffay: No you didn't!
Ursula Buffay: Well, then who's been dead for five years?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, lots of people! Look, are you coming to memorial service or not?
Ursula Buffay: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dead so I kinda made my peace with it. Plus, I'm going to a concert tomorrow. So... I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two tickets left.
Phoebe Buffay: Fine. Okay, enjoy your concert.
Ursula Buffay: Thanks! Enjoy your funeral.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Wow! You look just like your son Mrs. Tribbiani!
Joey Tribbiani: What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book!
Ross Geller: Your make-up!
Rachel Green: Joey, what are you doing with the bag? You're audition is not until tomorrow.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, but sandwich time is right now.
Rachel Green: Joey, y'know you get any mustard on that bag, you can't return it.
Joey Tribbiani: Why would I return it? I love this bag!
Rachel Green: All right, then you owe me $350.
Joey Tribbiani: Fine! Do you take Vasa or Mustercard?
Rachel Green: Joey...
Joey Tribbiani: All right relax, look I'll pay you with the money from the acting job I am definitely gonna get thanks to you.
Ross Geller: What's the part, Anti-man?
Rachel Green: Hey, don't listen to them. I think it's sexy.
Joey Tribbiani: U-N-I-sexy?
Phoebe Buffay: Well hello, Mrs. Penella! Thank you so much for coming! Well, okay look, here's your umm, 3-D glasses and Reverend Pong will tell you when to put them on.
Rachel Green: Hi sweetie!
Ross Geller: Hey, how are you holding up?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Pheebs, I'm so sorry.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, y'know what? My Grandma had the exact same bag!
Joey Tribbiani: Here, I brought you some flowers.
Phoebe Buffay: Thanks!
Chandler Bing: Pulling flowers out it makes the bag look a lot more masculine.
Man: Oops, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Is this the umm, the memorial?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, welcome.
Man: Hello. Hello.
Phoebe Buffay: Umm here's your 3-D glasses.
Man: Oh, umm, all right.
Phoebe Buffay: So how did you know Francis?
Man: Well I actually, I-I really, I haven't seen her for years. But umm, well I-I was pretty tight with-with her and her daughter.
Phoebe Buffay: Really?! What's your name?
Man: Umm, Frank Buffay.
Frank Buffay Sr.: Y'know what? Strike that. My name uh, actually is-is Joe. Uh, Joe umm, Hill.
Phoebe Buffay: You're Frank Buffay?
Frank Buffay Sr.: Shh! No! Joe Hill!
Phoebe Buffay: You just said...
Frank Buffay Sr.: Y'know what, I gotta go. And thank you so much for coming.
Phoebe Buffay: But...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God!
Monica Geller: What?! What honey?
Ross Geller: What happened?
Phoebe Buffay: That was my dad!
Chandler Bing: Oh my God!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey you guys, check it out. Check it out. It's like it's coming right at me.
Monica Geller: Oh, did you catch him?!
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh.
Ross Geller: Wh-what did he say?!
Phoebe Buffay: He said, "Nice to meet you Glenda." Well, obviously I couldn't give him my real name?
Rachel Green: Why?! Why not?!
Phoebe Buffay: Come on, you saw the way he ran out of here! What do you think? He's gonna stick around and talk to the daughter he abandoned!
Joey Tribbiani: What did you say to him?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I said, I told him y'know, that I was the executor person of Francis' will and that I needed to talk to him so I'm gonna meet him at the coffee house later.
The Pastor: Could everyone please take their seats?
Phoebe Buffay: All right, well, I just can't think about that right now. I just wanna say good-bye to my Grandma.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Monica Geller: All right, let's go say good-bye.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! I'm off to my audition. How do I look?
Rachel Green: Ahhh, I think you look great! That bag is gonna get you that part.
Chandler Bing: And a date with a man!
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know what? Make fun all you want. This is a great bag! Okay? And it's as handy as it is becoming. Now, just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it wrong. All right? So from now on you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact that Joey, comes with a bag!
Phoebe Buffay: All right, I'd better go too. I have to go talk to my dad.
Rachel Green: Ooh, Pheebs, what are you gonna say? Are you gonna tell him who you are?
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, no, not at first 'cause I-I don't want to freak him out
Ross Geller: Well, but aren't you pissed at him?! I mean this guy abandoned you! I gotta tell you if this were me, this guy would be in some serious physical danger! I mean I-I-I'd walk in there and I'd be like, "Yo, dad! You and me outside right now!" I kinda scared myself.
Monica Geller: Well, at least you scared someone.
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know it's funny, you'd think I'd be angry. I mean, you'd think I'd wanna rip his tiny little head off. Fortunately, I'm past it.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, you do seem a little tense. Here, let me help you.
Phoebe Buffay: All right.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Get off!! Ow!! Oh, stop it!! Why?! Why are you doing that to me?!
Monica Geller: What are you talking about?
Phoebe Buffay: As a masseuse and a human, I'm begging you, never do that to anyone!
Monica Geller: I give good massages! I used to give them to Rachel all the time before she got allergic! And-and-and Chandler loves them! Watch!
Phoebe Buffay: He-he does not like it! He hates it! He's in pain!
Monica Geller: No he's not!
Chandler Bing: Yes, he is!
Monica Geller: What?!
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry but, ow-owww-owww!
Monica Geller: You've been lying to me? I can't believe you'd do that.
Ross Geller: Well, maybe he just didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Monica Geller: But the minute we start to lie to each other... And by 'we' I mean society.
The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, you must be new here. Why don't we get a table and I'll buy you a drink.
The Casting Director: I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it without the purse?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, sure. Well, you must be new here. Maybe we should-I'm sorry, can I ask you something?
The Casting Director: Sure. What?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, first it's not a purse.
The Casting Director: Okay, anytime.
Joey Tribbiani: I mean if-if you're thinking it's a woman's bag, it's not. It's a man's bag!
The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go!
Joey Tribbiani: All right look, let me show you the catalog! See? Huh? It's the latest thing! Everyone's got one! Men! Women! Children! Everyone's carrying them!
The Casting Director: Umm, do you sell these bags?
Joey Tribbiani: Noooo. No-no-no, these babies sell themselves.
The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That was great!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah but I didn't read anything.
The Casting Director: I think we've seen enough!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay! All right, I'll see ya. We got it! We got it!
Chandler Bing: Hey, is Rachel here?
Monica Geller: No.
Chandler Bing: Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this afternoon and the whole massage thing. Y'know? I-I really like 'em.
Monica Geller: Oh, please, stop! Look, we're supposed to be honest with each other. I-I just wish you could tell me-just say, "I don't like your massages."
Chandler Bing: I don't like your massages.
Monica Geller: See? It's no big deal.
Chandler Bing: Okay, but now see you're crying!
Monica Geller: I'm not crying about that! I'm crying about something that happened at work.
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages.
Chandler Bing: It's okay, you don't have to be the best at everything.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! You don't know me at all!
Chandler Bing: Okay, you give the worst massages in the world.
Monica Geller: I'm crying here!!
Chandler Bing: Okay, hear me out. Okay? You give the best bad massages. If anybody was looking for the best bad massage and they were thinking to themselves, "Who's the best of that?" They'd have to go to you.
Monica Geller: Huh. So you're saying like umm, if there was an award for the best bad massage, well who would get that?
Chandler Bing: Oh, it would be you! You! Monica! And you'd get all the votes!
Monica Geller: So maybe they could umm, call the award the Monica?
Chandler Bing: Absolutely!
Monica Geller: Okay. I suck!
Chandler Bing: Yeah!
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, thank you for meeting with me.
Frank Buffay Sr.: Thank you. All right.
Phoebe Buffay: Come, sit. Sit. Sit! Umm, all righty, before we get started I just-I need you to state for the official record that you are in fact Frank Buffay.
Frank Buffay Sr.: Oh yes. Yes, yes, I am, uh-hmm.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Frank Buffay Sr.: So, what did Francis leave me?
Phoebe Buffay: Huh?
Frank Buffay Sr.: Well, that's why you wanted me to come, right?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yes. Yes. Yeah-no. She did. She left you umm, this lipstick.
Frank Buffay Sr.: Oh. Huh. It's huh, well it's oh it's-ew used. Umm, cool.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. I have just a few questions to ask so I'm going to get out my official forms. Okay, so, question 1) You and uh, you were married to Francis' daughter Lilly, is that correct?
Frank Buffay Sr.: Yes, yes I was.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, umm, question 2) Umm, did that marriage end A. Happily, B. Medium, or C. In the total abandonment of her and her two children?
Frank Buffay Sr.: It really says that?!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. See?
Frank Buffay Sr.: Well then I guess then I-I would I would have to say C.
Phoebe Buffay: Hmm, okay, total abandonment. Okay, reasons for abandonment, A. Top secret government work, B. Amnesia, or C. Or you're just a selfish, irresponsible bad, bad man?
Frank Buffay Sr.: Y'know, I don't think I want the lipstick that much. But umm... Oh, would you do me a favor? And umm, would you, would you give Lilly that, please?
Phoebe Buffay: What?!
Frank Buffay Sr.: Well Lilly, when you see Lilly would you give her that, that note? Because I wanted to talk to her at the memorial but, well I pictured her getting mad at me the way you got mad at me and I well, I chickened out. So, uh, I wrote her that note, would you give it to her please?
Phoebe Buffay: But you-you-you came to see Lilly?
Frank Buffay Sr.: Yeah, yeah. Why?
Phoebe Buffay: Lilly's dead.
Frank Buffay Sr.: She what?!
Phoebe Buffay: She's dead.
Frank Buffay Sr.: Are you sure?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, if she isn't then cremating her was a big mistake.
Frank Buffay Sr.: I can't believe this. I just-I can't believe this. How-how-Oh my God. How long ago?
Phoebe Buffay: 17 years ago.
Frank Buffay Sr.: Oh! What about, what about the girls?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in Soho. And Phoebe, is on this couch.
Phoebe Buffay: Yep, lipstick and a daughter, big day for you!
Frank Buffay Sr.: Phoebe, I-I-I-umm, Oops. I just, I-I-I-I don't, I don't know what to say. I just can't believe that you're my daughter, you're so pretty.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes. Well, that's neither here nor there.
Frank Buffay Sr.: So would it, would it make you feel better if I said I was very, very sorry that I left?
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know what, it doesn't matter what you say it's not gonna make a difference anyway, so you can just go.
Frank Buffay Sr.: All right. Well, y'know in my defense I was a lousy father.
Phoebe Buffay: That's a defense?
Frank Buffay Sr.: Yes. Yes it is. I burned the formula and I put your diapers on backwards. I mean, I made up a song to sing you to sleep, but that made you cry even more!
Phoebe Buffay: You make up songs?
Frank Buffay Sr.: Well no, just-just that one. But, it was stupid. Let's see, how did it, how did it go. Umm.
Frank Buffay Sr.: I just, I y'know, I'm not very good at this. So, umm...
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I am.
Phoebe Buffay: Not yet, no.
Joey Tribbiani: Hi.
Everyone: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey man, how did the audition go?
Joey Tribbiani: Estelle said I didn't get it.
Rachel Green: What?! Why? Joey you were so ready for it!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I thought so too but, she said the casting people had some problems with me.
Ross Geller: What kind of problem?
Joey Tribbiani: Well to tell you the truth, they uh, they had a problem with the bag!
Chandler Bing: Oh my God!
Ross Geller: Nooooo!
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know what? It was a stupid play anyway!
Monica Geller: Y'know, Joey, I think it's time to give up the bag.
Joey Tribbiani: I don't wanna give up the bag. I don't have to give up the bag! Do I Rach? Oh, you think I should give up the bag!
Rachel Green: Honey wait, Joey, I'm sorry I mean as terrific as I think you are with it...
Chandler Bing: Oh, hey!
Rachel Green: ...I just don't know if the world is ready for you and your bag.
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe I'm hearing this!
Rachel Green: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not saying that you shouldn't have a bag, I just-it's just there are other bags that are a little less umm, controversial.
Chandler Bing: Yeah umm, they're called wallets.


Phoebe Buffay: Oh hey, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy is putting stuff in boxes!
Rachel Green: I'd say from the looks of it; our naked buddy is moving.
Ross Geller: Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled clothes.
Rachel Green: Ohh, I'm gonna miss that big old squishy butt.
Chandler Bing: And we're done with the chicken fried rice.
Ross Geller: Hey! Hey! If he's moving, maybe I should try to get his place!
Everyone: Good idea! Yes!
Ross Geller: It would be so cool to live across from you guys!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing! Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string!
Chandler Bing: Or we can do the actual telephone thing.
Ross Geller: Oh my God! I love this apartment! Isn't it perfect?! I can't believe I never realized how great it is!
Rachel Green: Well that is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man.
Phoebe Buffay: It's amazing! You better hurry up and fill out an application or I'm gonna beat you to it.
Ross Geller: Ohh.
Rachel Green: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna go use Ugly Naked Guy's bathroom.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler! Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!!
Rachel Green: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!!
Rachel Green: Oh my God!
Phoebe Buffay: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!
Rachel Green: OH MY GOD!!!
Phoebe Buffay: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!
Rachel Green: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!!
Phoebe Buffay: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!!
Rachel Green: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW!
Phoebe Buffay: YOU KNOW?!!!
Rachel Green: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!!
Ross Geller: What's going on?
Rachel Green: HI!! Hi!
Ross Geller: What?! What?!
Rachel Green: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this apartment!
Ross Geller: Actually, it looks really good.
Phoebe Buffay: Get in here!!!
Phoebe Buffay: You mean whenever Monica and Chandler where like y'know doing laundry or going grocery shopping or-Oh! All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp!
Rachel Green: Uh-huh, doing it. Doing it. Phone doing it.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Oh, I can't believe it! I mean I think it's great! For him. She might be able to do better.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey guys!
Rachel Green: Joey! Come here! Come here!
Joey Tribbiani: What? What?
Rachel Green: Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler.
Joey Tribbiani: You mean how they're friends and nothing more?
Rachel Green: No. Joey, she knows! We were at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment and we saw them doing it through the window. Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Rachel knows?
Joey Tribbiani: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over!
Phoebe Buffay: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own.
Rachel Green: Wh-what do you mean?
Phoebe Buffay: Well y'know every time that they say that like they're doing laundry we'll just give them a bunch of laundry to do.
Rachel Green: Ohhh, I-I would enjoy that!
Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no! No-no wait Rach, you know what would even be more fun? Telling them.
Rachel Green: Ehhh, no, I wanna do Phoebe's thing.
Joey Tribbiani: I can't take any...
Phoebe Buffay: No! You don't have to do anything! Just don't tell them that we know!
Joey Tribbiani: Noo! I can't take any more secrets! I've got your secrets. I've got their secrets. I got secrets of my own y'know!
Rachel Green: You don't have any secrets!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal.
Rachel Green: So umm, how-how are we gonna mess with them?
Joey Tribbiani: Ugh.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, you could use your position y'know as the roommate.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: And then. I would use y'know the strongest tool at my disposal. My sexuality.
Chandler Bing: Hello children!
Everyone: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Ooh, wow that jacket looks great on you!
Chandler Bing: Really?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah the material feels so soft-hello Mr. Bicep! Have you been working out?
Chandler Bing: Well, I try to y'know, squeeze things. Are you okay?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, if you really wanna know, I'm-Oh! I can't tell you this.
Chandler Bing: Phoebe, it's me. You can tell me anything.
Phoebe Buffay: Well actually you're the one person I can't tell this too. And the one person I want to the most.
Chandler Bing: What's going on?
Phoebe Buffay: I think it's just y'know that I haven't been with a guy in so long and how sometimes you're looking for something and you just don't even see that it's right there in front of you sipping coffee-Oh no, have I said to much? Well it's just something to think about. I know I will.
Monica Geller: You are so cute! How did you get to be so cute?
Chandler Bing: Well, my Grandfather was Swedish and my Grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.
Monica Geller: Okay, now you're even cuter!!
Chandler Bing: Y'know that is a popular opinion today I must say.
Monica Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: The weirdest thing happened at the coffee house, I think, I think Phoebe was hitting on me.
Monica Geller: What are you talking about?
Chandler Bing: I'm telling you I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy.
Monica Geller: That's not possible!
Chandler Bing: Ow!
Monica Geller: I'm sorry it's just, Phoebe just always thought you were, you were charming in a, in a sexless kind of way.
Chandler Bing: Oh, y'know I-I can't hear that enough.
Monica Geller: I'm sorry, I think that you just misunderstood her.
Chandler Bing: No, I didn't misunderstand, okay? She was all over me! She touched my bicep for crying out loud!
Monica Geller: This bicep?
Chandler Bing: Well it's not flexed right now!
Rachel Green: Hey Mon, what are you doing now? Wanna come see a movie with us?
Monica Geller: Uhh, y'know actually I was gonna do some laundry.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Monica Geller: Hey Chandler, wanna do it with me?
Chandler Bing: Sure, I'll do it with ya.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Rachel Green: Okay great, hold on a sec! Oh, here you go! You don't mind do ya? That would really help me out a lot! Thanks!
Monica Geller: I mean I-I don't I think I have enough quarters.
Phoebe Buffay: I have quarters!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey Ross! Any word on the apartment yet?
Ross Geller: Well, I called over there and it turns out Ugly Naked Guy is subletting it himself and he's already had like a hundred applicants.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Ross Geller: No-no, I got the edge. I know it's not exactly ethical but I sent him a little bribe to
Monica Geller: Oh, is it that pinball machine with the big bow on it?
Ross Geller: No.
Chandler Bing: That new mountain bike?
Ross Geller: No.
Monica Geller: Well what did you send?
Ross Geller: A basket of mini-muffins.
Phoebe Buffay: But there's a whole table of mini-muffin baskets. Which one did you send?
Ross Geller: The small one.
Rachel Green: What?! You-you actually thought that basket was gonna get you the apartment?
Ross Geller: Well yeah! Someone sent us a basket at work once and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day.
Chandler Bing: Your work makes me sad.
Ross Geller: Oh man! I want that place so much!! I was so sure that was gonna work! There's twelve bucks I'll never see again!
Rachel Green: All right honey, we'd better go if we wanna catch that movie.
Monica Geller: Bye!
Everyone: Bye!
Phoebe Buffay: Bye Chandler! I miss you already.
Chandler Bing: Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!!
Monica Geller: Actually, I did!
Chandler Bing: Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me?
Monica Geller: Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us!
Chandler Bing: Are you serious?
Monica Geller: Phoebe knows and she's just trying to freak us out! That's the only explanation for it!
Chandler Bing: Okay but what about y'know my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps-She knows!
Chandler Bing: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah?
Chandler Bing: Phoebe knows about us!
Joey Tribbiani: Well I didn't tell them!
Monica Geller: Them?! Who's them?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey.
Monica Geller: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell!
Chandler Bing: Oh man!
Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry! But hey, it's over now, right? Because you can tell them that you know they know and I can go back to knowing absolutely nothing!
Monica Geller: Unless...
Joey Tribbiani: No! Not unless! Look this must end now!
Monica Geller: Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But see they don't know that we know that they know! So...
Chandler Bing: Ahh yes, the messers become the messies!
Ross Geller: Noooo.
Rachel Green: Oh Ross, honey you gotta stop torturing yourself!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, why don't you just find another apartment?
Ross Geller: Look I've already looked at like a thousand apartments this month and none of them even compares to that one!
Rachel Green: Y'know what you should do?
Ross Geller: Huh?
Rachel Green: You should find out what his hobbies are and then use that to bond with him. Yeah! Like if I would strike up a conversation about say umm, sandwiches. Or uh, or my underwear.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm listening.
Rachel Green: See?
Ross Geller: That is a great idea! And! I know Ugly Naked Guy because we've been watching him for like five years so that gives me back my edge! Oh, let's see now he had the trampoline.
Phoebe Buffay: He broke that.
Ross Geller: Well, he had gravity boots.
Rachel Green: Yeah, he broke those too.
Joey Tribbiani: So he likes to break stuff.
Ross Geller: Okay, I've got to go pick up Ben but I-I will figure something out. Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?
Phoebe Buffay: I wouldn't bring that up, it would probably just bum him out.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, poor cat, never saw that big butt coming.
Ross Geller: Right.
Rachel Green: Hello! Oh yeah! Hey! Hold on a second she's right here! It's Chandler.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh? Hello you.
Chandler Bing: Hello Phoebe, I've been thinking about you all day.
Phoebe Buffay: Eh?
Chandler Bing: Well you know that thing you said before, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued.
Phoebe Buffay: Really?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, listen, Joey isn't gonna be here tonight so why don't you come over and I'll let you uh, feel my bicep. Or maybe more.
Phoebe Buffay: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!
Rachel Green: Are you kidding?!
Phoebe Buffay: No!
Rachel Green: I can not believe he would do that to Mon-Whoa! Joey, do they know that we know?
Joey Tribbiani: No.
Rachel Green: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: They know you know.
Rachel Green: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two!
Phoebe Buffay: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! Joey, you can't say anything!
Joey Tribbiani: I couldn't even if I wanted too.
Ross Geller: Good evening, sir. My name is Ross Geller. I'm one of the people who applied for the apartment. And I-I realize that the competition is fierce but-I'm sorry. I, I can't help but notice you're naked and I applaud you. Man, I wish I was naked. I mean, this-this looks so great. That is how God intended it.
Phoebe Buffay: All right. All right! If he wants a date? He's gonna get a date. All right, I'm gonna go in.
Rachel Green: All right. Be sexy.
Phoebe Buffay: Please.
Phoebe Buffay: So Chandler, I-I'd love to come by tonight.
Chandler Bing: Really?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh absolutely. Shall we say, around seven?
Chandler Bing: Yes.
Phoebe Buffay: Good. I'm really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey, check it out! Check it out! Ugly Naked Guy has a naked friend!
Rachel Green: Oh yeah! Oh my God! That is our friend! It's Naked Ross!
Everyone: Yeah, it is! Naked Ross!!
Rachel Green: Show time!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, Rachel, get me perfume!
Rachel Green: Okay!
Phoebe Buffay: And Joey, get me a bottle of wine and glasses?
Monica Geller: All right, it'll be great! You just make her think you wanna have sex with her! It'll totally freak her out!
Chandler Bing: Okay, listen, how far am I gonna have to go with her?
Monica Geller: Relax, she-she's gonna give in way before you do!
Chandler Bing: How do you know?!
Monica Geller: Because you're on my team! And my team always wins!
Chandler Bing: At this?!
Monica Geller: Just go get some! Go!
Rachel Green: Okay honey, now I'm gonna try to listen from right here!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Rachel Green: Okay? Whoa, wait!
Phoebe Buffay: Good idea!
Rachel Green: Yeah, oh wait!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh now, don't give away the farm!
Chandler Bing: Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler.
Chandler Bing: Come on in.
Phoebe Buffay: I was going too. Umm, I brought some wine. Would you like some?
Chandler Bing: Sure.
Phoebe Buffay: So, here we are. Nervous?
Chandler Bing: Me? No. You?
Phoebe Buffay: No, I want this to happen.
Chandler Bing: So do I.
Chandler Bing: I'm gonna put on some music.
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe, maybe I'll dance for you.
Chandler Bing: You look good.
Phoebe Buffay: Thanks! Y'know, that when you say things like that it makes me wanna rip that sweater vest right off!
Chandler Bing: Well, why don't we move this into the bedroom?
Phoebe Buffay: Really?
Chandler Bing: Oh, do you not want to?
Phoebe Buffay: No. No! It's just y'know first, I wanna take off all my clothes and have you rub lotion on me.
Chandler Bing: Well that would be nice. I'll go get the lotion.
Chandler Bing: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!
Monica Geller: She's bluffing!
Chandler Bing: Look, she's not backing down! She went like this!
Phoebe Buffay: He's not backing down. He went to get lotion.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?! I wanna sit in my chair!
Rachel Green: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open.
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh!
Rachel Green: Okay!
Joey Tribbiani: I like that! Oh, okay! Show him your bra! He's afraid of bras! Can't work 'em!
Phoebe Buffay: Joey! Wow, you didn't rip off any buttons.
Joey Tribbiani: It's not my first time.
Monica Geller: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!
Chandler Bing: Okay, give me a second! Did you clean up in here?
Monica Geller: Of course.
Chandler Bing: Oh, you're-you're going?
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, not without you, lover. So, this is my bra.
Chandler Bing: It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very were gonna be having all the sex.
Phoebe Buffay: You should be. I'm very bendy. I'm gonna kiss you now.
Chandler Bing: Not if I kiss you first.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh.
Chandler Bing: Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.
Phoebe Buffay: Here it comes. Our first kiss.
Chandler Bing: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya!
Phoebe Buffay: And why not?!
Chandler Bing: Because I'm in love with Monica!!
Phoebe Buffay: You're-you're what?!
Chandler Bing: Love her! That's right, I...LOVE...HER!!! I love her!! I love you, Monica.
Monica Geller: I love you too Chandler.
Phoebe Buffay: I just-I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love!
Joey Tribbiani: Dude!
Chandler Bing: And hats off to Phoebe. Quite a competitor. And might I say your breasts are still showing.
Phoebe Buffay: God!
Joey Tribbiani: All right! So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows!
Monica Geller: Well actually, Ross doesn't.
Chandler Bing: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.
Ross Geller: A new place for a new Ross. I'm gonna have you and all the guys from work over once it's y'know, furnished.
Dr. Ledbetter: I must say it's nice to see you back on your feet.
Ross Geller: Well I am that. And that whole rage thing is definitely behind me.
Dr. Ledbetter: I wonder if its time for you to rejoin our team at the museum?
Ross Geller: Oh Donald that-that would be great. I am totally ready to come back to work. I-What? No! Wh... What are you doing?!! GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ross Geller: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here!
Chandler Bing: Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then!
Monica Geller: What are you doing?!
Chandler Bing: Oh, I'm going on the lamb.
Monica Geller: Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross. Hold on! Hey Ross. What's up bro?
Ross Geller: What the hell are doing?!!
Rachel Green: Hey, what's-what's going on?!
Chandler Bing: Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica.
Joey Tribbiani: Dude! He's right there!
Ross Geller: I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this!
Chandler Bing: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her.
Monica Geller: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but it's true, I love him too.
Ross Geller: My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. You guys probably wanna get some hugs in too, huh? Big news!
Rachel Green: Awww, no, it's okay, we've actually known for a while.
Ross Geller: What? What? What?! You guys knew? You all knew and you didn't tell me?!!
Rachel Green: Well, Ross, we were worried about you. We didn't know how you were going to react.
Ross Geller: You were worried about me? You didn't know how I was going to react?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, all right, whew! What do you say we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business? Hey-hey-hey, I-I-I'm just talking here, he-he's the one doing your sister.
Ross Geller: Hey, you know what I just realized? If you guys ever have kids...
Chandler Bing: Whoa-whoa-whoa! We're having kids?!
Joey Tribbiani: I call Godfather!
Ross Geller: You can't just call Godfather. Don't you think her brother should be Godfather?
Joey Tribbiani: Sure, if you cared enough to call it first.
Monica Geller: Guys, you're a few steps ahead of us.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, big zero gravity moon steps.
Rachel Green: Oh! Oh, I just thought of the greatest wedding gift to get you.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, I'll go in on that with you! I couldn't think of anything.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey Katie! Everyone, this is Katie.
Katie: Hi!
Everyone: Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: So, are you ready to go?
Katie: Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh sure, right back there.
Katie: Hey, where are we going to lunch?
Joey Tribbiani: I was thinking Chinese food.
Katie: Ohh, I love Chinese! How did you know I love Chinese?!
Rachel Green: She is so cute! You could fit her right in your little pocket!
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. I mean I like her a lot, and she's really nice, but...
Monica Geller: But what?
Joey Tribbiani: She keeps punching me.
Monica Geller: In that cute, little, sweet way she just did?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, it's a lot harder than it looks! Okay? She-she-she's hurting me.
Monica Geller: I know what you need, you need a bodyguard. Hey Ross, what is Ben doing after preschool?
Chandler Bing: Hey listen, come on, Joey is having a problem! A little girl is beating him up.
Rachel Green: Aww, Joey, come here. Look honey, I know this must be really, really difficult for you and I-Oh, I'm sorry. Am I hurting you?
Ross Geller: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! I brought you some house warming gifts.
Ross Geller: Aww.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Salt, so your life always has flavor.
Ross Geller: Huh.
Phoebe Buffay: Bread, so you never go hungry.
Ross Geller: Ohh.
Phoebe Buffay: And a scented candle for the bathroom, because well, y'know.
Ross Geller: Thanks. Thanks. And thanks again.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah!
Guy: Hi!
Ross Geller: Hi!
Guy: Welcome to the building. I'm uh, Steve Sarah; I'm president of the tenants committee.
Ross Geller: Oh hi! Ross Geller. And this is my friend Phoebe.
Steve Cera: Oh hi Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: Mr. President.
Steve Cera: I came to talk to you about Howard.
Ross Geller: Howard?
Steve Cera: Yeah, he's the handy man. He's gonna be retiring next week and everyone who lives here is kicking in a 100 bucks as a thank you for all the hard work type of thing.
Ross Geller: Oh that's nice.
Steve Cera: Yeah. So, do you want to give a check? Or...
Ross Geller: Oh. Uhh...
Steve Cera: Oh look, you don't have to give it too me right now! You can slip it under my door.
Ross Geller: No-no, it's not that, it's just... I-I just moved in.
Steve Cera: Well, the guy's worked here for 25 years.
Ross Geller: Yes, but I've lived here for 25 minutes.
Steve Cera: Oh, okay, I get it.
Ross Geller: No wait, look. Look! I'm sorry, it's just I've never even met Howard. I-I mean I don't know Howard.
Steve Cera: Howard's the handy man!
Ross Geller: Yes but too me he's just, man.
Steve Cera: Okay, fine, whatever. Welcome to the building.
Ross Geller: Ugh, can you believe that guy!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. I really like his glasses.
Ross Geller: ...so then President Steve told everyone that I was a cheapskate, and now the whole building hates me! A little kid spit on my knee! Y'know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna throw a party. That's right. For everyone in the building, and I'm gonna sit them down and explain to them, I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheap guy! I'm just a guy who-who stands up for what he believes in. A man with principles.
Chandler Bing: Sounds like a fun party.
Rachel Green: Hmm. Look, Ross, if you want your neighbors to like you, why don't you just pay the hundred bucks? The party's gonna cost you way more than that.
Ross Geller: It doesn't matter! It's my principles! We're talking about my principles!
Rachel Green: Okay, I thought it was about your neighbors liking you.
Ross Geller: Oh, they'll like me. Once they come to my awesome PAR-TAY! Okay, I gotta run. I gotta go get some nametags.
Rachel Green: And that crazy party animal will be your brother-in-law.
Chandler Bing: Very, very funny, but don't say things like that in front of Monica. I don't want you putting any ideas in her head.
Rachel Green: Umm, Chandler, you do realize that those ideas are probably already in Monica's head.
Chandler Bing: Wh-wh-why?!
Rachel Green: Well, because she loves you and because you love her.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, so, what's that supposed to mean?!
Rachel Green: Hey, Chandler, don't freak out! I'm telling you something you already know! Come on, she broke up with Richard because he didn't want to have babies. And she's a woman, and she's almost 30, and y'know it's Monica.
Chandler Bing: I don't see it that way. Okay? Because, I see two Monicas, the one that was my friend, who lived across the hall, and wanted to have a lot of babies and then the new Monica, who I just started to date. Now, who's to say what she wants?! I'm right. I'm right. Am I right?
Rachel Green: No, you're right, you are absolutely right. I mean that makes, that makes everything different.
Chandler Bing: Okay. It's not different at all, is it?
Rachel Green: Not unless different means the same.
Katie: You were so funny with that waiter! You're such a nut!
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know, breadstick fangs are always funny.
Katie: No, you make them funny. You're the funny one!
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, look Katie, uh listen, we-we need to talk. Okay? Umm, look I like you. I-I really do, I like you a lot. Okay? But sometimes when you, when you playfully punch me like that it-it feels like someone's hitting me with a very tiny but very real bat.
Katie: Aww, like I could hurt you. Are you making fun of my size? Don't make fun of me because of my size!
Monica Geller: Isn't this great?
Chandler Bing: Hmm.
Monica Geller: Couldn't you just stay like this forever? Chandler! Couldn't you just stay here forever?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, here, somewhere else, y'know where-where ever.
Monica Geller: Are you okay?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I'm cool. Casual.
Monica Geller: What-what are you doing?
Chandler Bing: I'm just hanging out. Y'know, having fun. Y'know with the girl that I'm seeing casually.
Monica Geller: Man, I knew it! I knew you were going to do this!!
Chandler Bing: What?!
Monica Geller: Get all freaked out because everybody was talking and just joking around about marriage and stuff.
Chandler Bing: Well, you do want all that stuff, right?
Monica Geller: Oh and you know what I want!
Chandler Bing: Yes! You want babies! You have baby fever!
Monica Geller: I do not have baby fever!
Chandler Bing: Oh please, you are obsessed with babies and-and marriage and everything that's related to babies and-and marriage! I've got an idea, why don't we turn down the heat on this pressure cooker?!
Monica Geller: Have you lost your mind? Chandler, this isn't about me! This is about you and all your weird relationship commitment crap!
Chandler Bing: Nah-uh! I know you! Okay? I know the thoughts that you have in the head-in your head!
Monica Geller: You don't know everything. Did you know that I'm going out with Rachel tonight instead of you? Hmm? And did you know that the only baby around here is you?! And did you know that I can't even look at you right now?!
Chandler Bing: Well, I did not know that.
Chandler Bing: It's gonna be okay, right? I mean she's not gonna leave me? This is, this is fixable.
Chandler Bing: By me?
Ross Geller: Oh, no!
Joey Tribbiani: No-no.
Ross Geller: Well, unless you make some kind of big gesture.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, big!
Joey Tribbiani: Uh-oh, shht! The Misses.
Monica Geller: Gunther, can I get a coffee to go?
Chandler Bing: Monica.
Monica Geller: I'm still not done not wanting to talk to you.
Chandler Bing: Just tell me what I need to do to make things right.
Monica Geller: What?!
Chandler Bing: Well, that's what we do. Y'know, I-I mess up and then you tell me how to fix it and then I do and then y'know you think I'm all cute again.
Monica Geller: Really? I'm really tired of being your relationship tutor. You're gonna have to figure this one for yourself. All right? Y'know what? If you're too afraid to be in a real relationship, then don't be in one.
Party Guests: Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Yay!!
Ross Geller: Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hi Ross!
Ross Geller: What are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I thought this was your party and it turns out it's a party for Howard. He's just the sweetest little man!
Guest #1: See ya Phoebe! Oh and hey, thanks for chipping in!
Ross Geller: You chipped in?!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, uh-huh, a 100 dollars.
Ross Geller: Phoebe! I can't believe you gave them money! I thought you agreed it was totally unreasonable that they asked me for that money!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but they didn't ask me! Y'know? This way I'm just y'know, the exotic, generous stranger. That's always fun to be.
Ross Geller: Yeah, but you're making me look bad!
Phoebe Buffay: No I'm not. No! If anything I'm making you look better! They'll see you talking to me and that's-I'm a hit!
Steve Cera: Oh hey, Pheebs!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Steve Cera: Oh hey, Ross. Umm, see, I was thinking maybe you two could switch apartments because Phoebe's more our kind of people. Something to think about.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, okay, my bad.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hi! Wow! You look, you look...big.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks! I've been working out. Hey listen, is it obvious that I'm wearing six sweaters?
Rachel Green: Uhhh, yeah. But it's not obvious why.
Joey Tribbiani: Well look, I'm breaking up with Katie so I had to put on some extra padding. Y'know? I mean, if she hits me when she's happy, can you imagine how hard she's gonna hit me when I tell her I'm taking away the Joey love?
Katie: Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Hiya!
Rachel Green: Hey! Hey, cute jacket!
Katie: Oh, thanks! That's so sweet!
Rachel Green: Oh! Ow!
Katie: Oh, ow! Did Joey tell you to say that? You guys, are too much!
Rachel Green: Whoa! Y'know what Katie? I gotta tell ya I-I-I-I think you are the one who is too much.
Katie: Ohh, Joey has the nicest friends!
Rachel Green: Ohh, and the nicest girlfriend!
Katie: You're so sweet!
Rachel Green: Ohh, you're so sweet!
Katie: Oww!!!! Joey, she just kicked me.
Joey Tribbiani: Huh.
Katie: Well? Aren't you gonna do something?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh...
Katie: You'd better do something, or I'm gonna walk out that door right now! Well? Are you gonna?
Joey Tribbiani: Nah.
Ross Geller: Phoebe?
Phoebe Buffay: That's what I'm saying.
Ross Geller: Phoebe? Phoebe?
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh.
Ross Geller: Look, this is a disaster! Can't I please just go?
Phoebe Buffay: No! No! I'm talking you up to people. Just give it a little time, all right? Relax, get something to eat! Okay?
Ross Geller: So uh, what did you tell them about me?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I was telling them about you and Emily. Y'know, try to get some sympathy.
Ross Geller: Ohh.
Phoebe Buffay: But somehow you came off as the bad guy.
Ross Geller: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I think I told it wrong. Y'know, we should talk about that because I don't totally understand what happened there.
Ross Geller: Ohh, this cake is really good!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay, see? Things are looking up already!
Guest #2: Oh my God! Someone cut Howard's cake! Who would do a think like that?
Steve Cera: 3-B!
Everyone: Oh yeah, aww!
Steve Cera: Okay, you got your free food! You ruined everyone's fun! Don't you think it's time you went home?!
Guest #3: Yeah, leave!
Everyone: Yeah, get out! Now!
Steve Cera: Go back to 3-B, 3-B!
Phoebe Buffay: All right, everyone calm down! Everyone calm down! I have something that I would like to say! Who here likes Ross? Of course you don't like him! He-he didn't give you any money, he raised his own hand when I asked, "Who hear likes Ross," and he's wearing two nametags! I-I'll be honest with you guys, when I first met Ross I didn't like him at all! But then once I got to know him I saw that he's really sweet and caring and very generous. I mean, all I'm saying is don't judge Ross before you get to know him all right? I mean, I like all you guys now, but when I first meet you y'know Kurt, I thought, y'know abrasive drunk, umm Lola, mind numbingly stupid! And okay, you guys Gold-digger, cradle robbing perv! So, I think you all know what I mean.
Phoebe Buffay: Obviously I didn't think they were gonna start throwing things. I just thought if I kept insulting everyone, you would jump in and defend everyone and then you could look like the hero.
Ross Geller: Oh wow, yeah! See, I did not get that.
Chandler Bing: Where's Monica?! Where is she? I need to talk to her! It's urgent! Is she here?
Monica Geller: I'm Monica.
Chandler Bing: I need to talk to you, it's urgent!
Monica Geller: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, y'know a lot of uhh, us thinking. And uh, well I guess there's only one-one way to do this.
Monica Geller: Wait what-wh-wh-what are you doing?!
Chandler Bing: Monica...
Monica Geller: No-no, don't-don't-don't do it!
Chandler Bing: Will you marry me?
Ross Geller: Oh-no. No. No.
Joey Tribbiani: What a bad idea!
Rachel Green: Ohhhh, I cannot look at it!
Monica Geller: Chandler, why are you doing this?
Chandler Bing: I don't know. But I know I'm not afraid to do this.
Monica Geller: Chandler.
Chandler Bing: I'm doing this because I'm sorry?
Monica Geller: Do you umm, you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?
Chandler Bing: No, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry is pretty much fourth y'know, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married. Will you be my wife?
Monica Geller: Chandler, umm, I want you to take just a minute and I want you to think about how ridiculous this sounds.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I'm kinda wishing everyone wasn't here right now.
Monica Geller: Honey! Do you know that none of that stuff came from me?! I mean I never said I wanted to have babies and get married right now!
Chandler Bing: Yeah I know, but I was really confused and then I talked to these guys.
Monica Geller: Who? Two divorces and Joey?!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: She's right y'know.
Ross Geller: Yeah, but still, cheap shot!
Monica Geller: Y'know what? Y'know when I said that I want you to deal with this relationship stuff all on your own? Well, you're not ready for that.
Chandler Bing: I didn't think I was!
Monica Geller: Oh my God, what would have done if I said yes?
Chandler Bing: Well I would've been happy because I would've be able to spend the rest of my life with the woman that I love. Or, you would've seen a Chandler shaped hole in that door.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Ross, will you pass me that knife?
Ross Geller: No, I will not!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, it's okay. You don't have to be so mean about it.
Ross Geller: You're right, I'm sorry. Will you marry me?
Phoebe Buffay: Aw, and I was gonna ask you to marry me because I forgot to say hello to you last week.
Rachel Green: Oh no wait Pheebs, I think for something like that you just ask them to move in with you. But I'm not sure, Chandler?
Chandler Bing: Okay, how long is this going to go on.
Monica Geller: Well I think the length of teasing is directly related to how insane you were so, a long time.
Ross Geller: This is fun. Hey Rach, remember that whole "We were on a break thing?" Well, I'm sorry, will you marry me?
Chandler Bing: That's not funny.
Joey Tribbiani: That's not funny at all!


Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: What are you guys doing up?
Chandler Bing: Oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed. Hey, do you know a six-letter word for red?
Joey Tribbiani: Dark red.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I think that's wrong, but there's a Connect the Dots in here for you later. Hey, how about maroon?
Monica Geller: Yes, you are so smart!
Joey Tribbiani: Aww, you guys are so cute!
Monica Geller: I know.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, I'll see you in the morning.
Monica Geller: Y'know, I love doing crossword puzzles with you honey!
Joey Tribbiani: Aww, me too. Now let's finish this and go to bed.
Monica Geller: Okay! There's only one left, three letter word, not dog but...
Joey Tribbiani: Cat.
Monica Geller: Yes! You are so smart! I love you.
Joey Tribbiani: I love you too.
Rachel Green: Uhh, we still need a tip.
Phoebe Buffay: All right. Hold on. I got it. Nickel! How much more do we need?
Rachel Green: A couple of bucks.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, dime! You guys should probably keep talking; this could take a while. Oh no, wait! Look it! Whoa! Oh my God, this is a police badge!
Monica Geller: Wow!
Chandler Bing: Oh that's so cool! Why would a cop come in here though? They don't serve donuts. Y'know what actually, could you discover the badge again? I think I can come up with something better than that.
Rachel Green: Phoebe, I bet somebody's missing that badge.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I should probably take it back. Ooh, but you know what? While I'm at the police station, I could check their Ten Most Wanted lists because my friend Fritzy has been like number 11 forever, so this could be her year!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you guys!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey Joey!
Monica Geller: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey. That uh, that my sweatshirt?
Monica Geller: Oh yes, it is. I'm sorry I borrowed it, I was cold. I hope its okay?
Joey Tribbiani: Well uh, it's just that uh, y'know if-if you're gonna be wearing someone's sweatshirt shouldn't it be your boyfriends-and I'm not him.
Monica Geller: I'm sorry, I'll give it back to you.
Joey Tribbiani: No-no! No! I mean it's gonna be all smelling like Monica!
Monica Geller: Are you saying I smell bad?
Joey Tribbiani: No! No, you smell like a meadow. I'm sorry.
Monica Geller: What's with him?
Chandler Bing: Oh, y'know what? The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was shot by a hunter.
Rachel Green: Ugh!
Ross Geller: Yeah, I still don't know. I'm sorry I just wanna make sure that I bought the right couch. I need a couch that says, "Kids welcome here." But that also says, "Come here to me!"
Rachel Green: What?! You say that to kids?!!
Ross Geller: No! No! No! The "Come here to me" is y'know for the ladies.
Rachel Green: Ross, honey, it's a nice couch. It's not a magic couch.
The Salesman: You picked a great couch.
Ross Geller: Yeah?
The Salesman: Yeah. Could you just sign right here please?
Ross Geller: Oh, sure. Whoa-whoa, what's this? The delivery charge is almost as much as the couch!
Rachel Green: Wait! No, that's ridiculous. Come on, he lives three blocks away!
Ross Geller: Yeah, y'know what? I'll take it myself, thank you! All right Rach, let's go!
Rachel Green: Yeah! Are you kiddin'?
Ross Geller: Oh, come on it's only three blocks! And-and, it's not very heavy, try it! Come on! Come on!
Rachel Green: Oh. Oh! I can do it!
Ross Geller: Yeah!
The Salesman: You two are really gonna enjoy that couch.
Ross Geller: Oh yeah, we're uh, yeah we're not together.
The Salesman: Ohh, okay. Something didn't quite add up there.
Rachel Green: Ross!
Ross Geller: What's that supposed to mean?
Rachel Green: Ross!
The Salesman: Well you, her, I mean, she's very...y'know. And you're like...y'know.
Ross Geller: Not that it's any of your business, but we did go out.
The Salesman: Really? You two?
Ross Geller: Yeah! Rach?
Rachel Green: Come on, I don't really want to be doing this right now. I am carrying a very heavy couch.
Ross Geller: Then tell him quickly.
Rachel Green: Fine! We went out.
Ross Geller: Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times!
Rachel Green: Ross!! Oh my-ugh!! You kept count?! You are such a loser!
Ross Geller: A loser you did it with 298 times!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Oh! Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am?
The Smoking Woman: Yes?
Phoebe Buffay: You can't put your cigarette out on a tree!
The Smoking Woman: Yeah I can, it worked real well.
Phoebe Buffay: No but you shouldn't! Don't ever do that again.
The Smoking Woman: I won't! Until I have my next cigarette.
Phoebe Buffay: Hold it! N.Y.P.D! Freeze punk!
The Smoking Woman: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah that's right you are so busted. Book 'em.
The Smoking Woman: Who are you talking too?
Phoebe Buffay: Save it Red! Unless you wanna spend the night in the slammer, you apologize to the tree.
The Smoking Woman: I am not going to apologize to a tree!
Phoebe Buffay: You apologize to the tree right now or I am calling for backup. Backup! Backup!!
The Smoking Woman: I-I'm sorry! Sorry.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, cancel backup! Cancel backup!
Ross Geller: Okay.
Rachel Green: Ross, didn't you say that there was an elevator in here?
Ross Geller: Uhh, yes I did but there isn't. Okay, here we go.
Ross Geller: Okay, go left. Left! Left!
Rachel Green: Okay, y'know what? There is no more left, left!
Ross Geller: Oh okay, lift it straight up over your head! Straight up over your head! You can do it! You can do it! Okay. You got it?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Good-good-good.
Rachel Green: Oh-oh!
Ross Geller: Yeah, you got it right? You got it right? You got it?
Rachel Green: Any chance you think the couch looks good there?
Phoebe Buffay: ...so this guy was all And I'm all, Buffay, Homicide. It was just so cool!
Monica Geller: Phoebe, you were supposed to take that back!
Phoebe Buffay: I know but I'm having so much fun doing good deeds.
Chandler Bing: Okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You could get arrested.
Phoebe Buffay: You could get arrested, right now! All right, yeah, I gotta take it back. I'm totally drunk with power.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Oh.
Chandler Bing: Hi, Joe.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I didn't know you guys were going to be here.
Monica Geller: Hey Joey, sweetie, taste this.
Joey Tribbiani: What?! Why?!
Monica Geller: What is going on with you?
Joey Tribbiani: Nothing!
Chandler Bing: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day!
Joey Tribbiani: All right! There is something. I kinda had a dream, but I don't want to talk about it.
Chandler Bing: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-what if Martin Luther King had said that? I kinda have a dream! I don't want to talk about it.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, it involved Monica.
Chandler Bing: You had a dream about a girl that I am seeing?! Oh, that is so cool! I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt about a girl that he was seeing. Anyway we're talking about your dream. I love you. Your dream?
Joey Tribbiani: Don't worry, there wasn't any sex in it or anything. I haven't dreamt about her like that since I found out about you two-ish.
Monica Geller: What was the dream about?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, okay. You were my girlfriend and we were doing the crossword puzzle. Y'know like you guys were doing last night. So, that's it. I'm in love with Monica and I'll be moving out.
Monica Geller: Wait, Joey! Joey! That doesn't mean that-that you're in love with me!
Joey Tribbiani: It-it doesn't?
Monica Geller: No!
Chandler Bing: No, it can mean anything. Like uh, all of the sudden you're jealous because I've become the apartment stud.
Joey Tribbiani: That kinda sounds like your dream dude.
Monica Geller: Or, it could mean that-that you saw Chandler and me together and we y'know were being close and stuff and then you just want to have that with someone too.
Joey Tribbiani: In the dream I did enjoy the closeness.
Monica Geller: Um-hmm.
Chandler Bing: Joey, look, are you attracted to Monica? Right here, right now, are you attracted to her?
Joey Tribbiani: Not really.
Chandler Bing: Well there you have it!
Monica Geller: Well sure! I'm just wearing sweats! But that's good that you're not in love with me, because you just want a girlfriend!
Joey Tribbiani: No, I don't think it's just about just getting a girlfriend. Y'know? I mean, yeah, I can get a girlfriend! Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crosswords, but y'know are we ever going to have y'know the closeness like-like you guys have?
Chandler Bing: Well y'know, Monica and I were friends before we started dating. So maybe-maybe that's it?
Joey Tribbiani: Friends first? That's interesting.
Monica Geller: You become friends after?
Joey Tribbiani: No, never done that either.
Rachel Green: Hey, umm, do you guys have that tape measure?
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom.
Monica Geller: That's right.
Rachel Green: What's up Joey?
Joey Tribbiani: How you doin'?
Phoebe Buffay: Excuse me, is this your car?
Guy: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Well I don't think it's very nice of you to park here, y'know you're blocking the entrance.
Guy: Don't worry about it. It's not a problem.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, it's a problem for me, which means it's a problem for you 'cause I'm a cop.
Guy: So am I!
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, no. Oh okay, so you're a cop which means you can park anywhere, 'cause I know that 'cause I'm a cop too. So, all right, keep up the good work. 10-4.
Cop: Hey, wait a second! So wait, what precinct are you with?
Phoebe Buffay: I-I'm with the umm, the 57th.
Cop: Oh, I know a guy in homicide up there.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm in vice. Yeah, in fact I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore.
Cop: Who-who else is in vice up there?
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, do you know, umm Sipowicz?
Cop: Sipowicz? No, I don't think so.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, big guy, kinda bald.
Cop: No, I don't know him.
Phoebe Buffay: Don't try to call him or anything, 'cause he's not there, he's out. His umm, his partner just died.
Cop: Wow umm, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss.
Phoebe Buffay: I-I sure will, take care.
Cop: Hey by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good. And where did you find my badge?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Rachel Green: Hey! Joey, would you mind giving me and Ross a hand moving his couch?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I'd love too, but I got acting class. But y'know what? I guess I can blow that off, for you.
Rachel Green: Thanks!
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, hey, Rach let me ask you something. Uh, I was just over there talking to Monica and Chandler, boy they are really tight.
Rachel Green: I know.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah that's not such a bad situation they got going over there. I'm thinking of getting me one of those.
Rachel Green: What's up Joe?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, the reason I think Monica and Chandler are so great...
Rachel Green: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: ...is because they were friends first. Y'know? So I asked myself, "Who are my friends?" You and Phoebe, and I saw you first. So...
Rachel Green: What are you saying?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm saying maybe you and I crank it up a notch.
Rachel Green: Y'know honey, umm, as uh, as flattered as I am that uh, you saw me first, uhh, I just, I-I don't think we should be cranking anything up.
Joey Tribbiani: I'll treat you real nice.
Rachel Green: Yeah, well, y'know umm... No honey, listen I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you date them, but I think the way you do it is y'know you meet someone, become their friend, build a foundation, then you ask them out on a date. Don't hit on your existing friends!
Joey Tribbiani: Won't-won't that take longer?
Rachel Green: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but once you find it, ohh it's so worth the wait.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. I understand. I understand. Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first!
Ross Geller: Come here to me. No-no, you come here to me.
Rachel Green: Hey Ross! I brought reinforcements.
Ross Geller: Oh great! What, you brought Joey?
Rachel Green: Well, I brought the next best thing.
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Ross Geller: Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica!
Chandler Bing: Y'know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so...
Ross Geller: Look, I-I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. Okay Rach, that's you. That's the couch.
Rachel Green: Whoa-oh, what's-what's that?
Ross Geller: Oh, that's me.
Rachel Green: Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself.
Ross Geller: No! That's-that's my arm!
Chandler Bing: Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.
Ross Geller: Y'know what? Just-just follow my lead.
Rachel Green: Okay!
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Ross Geller: Come on, Chandler.
Ross Geller: All right. Okay, here we go!
Ross Geller: All right, ready?
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Turn.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Ross Geller: Turn! Turn!
Chandler Bing: Okay, I don't think we can turn anymore!
Rachel Green: Ross, I don't, I just don't think it's going to fit.
Ross Geller: Oh yeah it will! Come on, up! Up-up-up! Up! Yes! Here we go! Pivot! Pivot! Piv-ot! Piv-et!! Piv-ett!!! Piv-et!
Chandler Bing: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!
Ross Geller: Okay, I don't think it's going to pivot anymore.
Ross Geller: All right, let's uh, let's bring it back down and-and try again.
Chandler Bing: Okay, yeah, I think it's really stuck now.
Ross Geller: I can't believe that didn't work!
Rachel Green: I know, me neither! I mean, you had a sketch!
Chandler Bing: Oh, y'know, what did you mean when you said pivot?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey! How's it going? Did you make any new friends?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah, I met this woman.
Chandler Bing: Hey, whoa-whoa! What's she like?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, well, she's...really good in bed.
Monica Geller: Joey, I thought you were gonna try to be friends first!
Joey Tribbiani: Well look, hey, it's all your fault!
Rachel Green: What?! Why?!
Joey Tribbiani: Well because you didn't give me advice! No! You gave me a pickup line! As soon as I told her I wanted to y'know, build a foundation and be friends first. I suddenly, through no fault of my own, became irresistible to her! And her roommate!
Monica Geller: What about the closeness?
Joey Tribbiani: Closeness-shmoshness! There was three of us for crying out loud!
Joey Tribbiani: All right! Hey, who wants pizza?!
Chandler Bing: Ooh, I do! I do! I do!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, great! Can you believe I found it on the second floor?
Monica Geller: Who is it?
Voice: N.Y.P.D!!
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, just a minute officer!!
Cop: I'm looking for Phoebe Buffay!
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, God, it's him! It's that cop! God, I can't believe it! He found me!
Rachel Green: Oh my God, Phoebe, are you gonna go to jail?!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, if I'm going down, I'm taking you with me. Harboring a fugitive? That's one to three years minimum. Good luck Chandler. Okay, you can arrest me. Fine. But you'll never make it stick and you know it!
Cop: Yeah, but I kinda don't have a choice, it's my job. I mean, you understand right?
Phoebe Buffay: Yep! As long as you understand that I'm going to call my lawyer and once he puts you on the stand he'll make you look like a fool. A fool!
Cop: I don't like looking foolish. Y'know what? Maybe uh, I don't arrest you today. Maybe I came by and you weren't here.
Phoebe Buffay: I would love it if I weren't here!
Cop: Okay, so since umm, you're not going to jail tonight I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me?
Phoebe Buffay: Me?!
Cop: Yeah. Ever since you flashed my badge at me, I kinda can't stop thinking about you. You're the prettiest, fake undercover whore I've ever seen.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! I didn't see that coming! You're-you're asking me out!
Cop: Yeah. I mean, I coulda done it better, but these people keep staring at me.
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, yeah, I'd like to go out with you officer...
Cop: Gary.
Phoebe Buffay: Gary.
Gary: Okay, so it's a date.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! So-ooh, I gotta ask you though. How did you know where to find me?
Gary: Well you're fingerprints were all over my badge so I just ran it through the computer and this was listed as your last known address so I just checked it out.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, impressive.
Gary: Not as impressive as you. I gotta tell you, I looked at your record and you've done some pretty weird stuff.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, we'll talk at dinner.
Gary: Okay. So I'll come by in a couple hours and pick you up?
Phoebe Buffay: All right, I can't wait!
Gary: Okay. And don't worry, I'm not just gonna take you out for donuts.
Chandler Bing: He has a gun!
Ross Geller: I'd like to return this couch. I'm not satisfied with it.
The Saleswoman: You wanna return this couch? It's cut in half!
Ross Geller: That's what I'm telling you.
The Saleswoman: Did you cut this couch in half?
Ross Geller: This couch, is cut in half! I would like to exchange it for one that is not cut in half!
The Saleswoman: You're telling me this couch was delivered to you like this?!
Ross Geller: Look, I am a reasonable man. I will accept store credit.
The Saleswoman: I'll give you store credit in the amount of four dollars.
Ross Geller: I take it.


Rachel Green: Good, you guys are all here!
Ross Geller: Hey! What's up?
Rachel Green: Well, I have a job interview at Ralph Lauren tomorrow!
Everyone: Congratulations! Ohh, that's great!
Rachel Green: I know!
Joey Tribbiani: Boy, that guy's underwear sucks!
Rachel Green: Wh-what?!
Joey Tribbiani: I got this pair marked excess, I gotta tell ya, there was no room for excess anything in there.
Rachel Green: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me!
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! Well, if you nail the interview, you'll get it!
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: You wanna work on your interview skills?
Rachel Green: O-okay!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay! All right, let's start with the handshake. Hi.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Phoebe Buffay: Very good handshake, good wrist action.
Monica Geller: Let me try.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Oh my God! What did I ever do to you?!
Monica Geller: Did I squeeze it too hard?
Phoebe Buffay: Let's just say, I'm glad I'm not Chandler.
Joey Tribbiani: That's right Ross, I can see you in your new apartment! And you can see me! Same as yesterday, same as the day before.
Monica Geller: Is he doing his shark attack bit yet?
Joey Tribbiani: Nope. Op, wait! There he goes.
Joey Tribbiani: Very funny Ross! Very life-like and funny. Okay. Oh no-no-no, I wasn't waving at you lady. Whoa, maybe I was! Hey, Monica, this totally hot girl in Ross's building is flirting with me.
Monica Geller: Get in there man! Flirt back, mix it up!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I-I-I'm down with that. Okay, here goes. How you a-doin'? It worked! She's waving me over. Okay, I-I-I'll be right over. Let's see, she's on the third floor...
Monica Geller: Wow! She is pretty, huh?
Joey Tribbiani: Tell me about it, huh? Oh no-no-no, I'm not with her, she's just Monica! Ewwuck!
Ross Geller: Hey Joey! Great stuff huh?
Joey Tribbiani: This is your place?
Ross Geller: Of course it is. Yeah, come on in. Ooh-ooh, go by the window you can pretend to be surfing.
Joey Tribbiani: But I counted, you're not supposed to live here! Oh man!
Joey Tribbiani: Ugh!!
Monica Geller: What happened?
Joey Tribbiani: I ended up at Ross's place. Oh, I musta missed counted or something. Damn! She's not there anymore. Oh, l-l-look, Ross is doing his 'Watching TV' bit.
Monica Geller: No Joey, I think he's just watchin' TV.
Gary's Radio: We've lost visual contact with the suspect.
Gary: Okay, now I've really have to go!
Phoebe Buffay: But it's just so unfair that our date has to get cut short just 'cause some guy shot at a store clerk.
Gary: I know, but it's my job, sweethart!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, then maybe I can come too!
Gary's Radio: Suspect has just emerged naked from the sewer.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, you go.
Gary: Bye-bye.
Phoebe Buffay: 'Kay, bye!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh God!
Monica Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh I just miss him so much!
Monica Geller: Wow! For just a week you guys are really close, huh?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, it's weird. I can't help it though he's so sweet, he's like this little puppy dog, y'know? But like a really tough one that shots bad guys. Ohh, I just love beginning parts of relationships, y'know?! You just like can't keep your hands off each other.
Monica Geller: I know it is the best.
Phoebe Buffay: So-so how long did that last for you and Chandler?
Monica Geller: What? It's still going on.
Phoebe Buffay: Come on, seriously! When did it end?
Monica Geller: I-I am serious, I mean, we're, we're all over each other all the time.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, you know where you are better than I do. I was just curious.
Monica Geller: What don't you just calm down Phoebe! All right?! Why don't you just get all your facts before you run around telling everybody that you're the only hot couple!!
Phoebe Buffay: God, I woke the beast. Sorry. I was wrong obviously, I just-I misspoke. It's okay.
Monica Geller: Oh no, it is okay, I mean as long as you know that Chandler and I are also very hot and fiery, just as hot as you! I mean our flame, whew, is on fire!
Chandler Bing: Hey Monica, here's your broom back.
Monica Geller: You are so cute.
Chandler Bing: Oh hey, how'd the interview go?
Rachel Green: Ugh, horrible! I did the stupidest, most embarrassing thing!
Joey Tribbiani: Did you tell the guy you wanted to have sex with his wife and then fall right out of your chair?
Rachel Green: No!
Chandler Bing: So what happened?
Rachel Green: Ugh, it was horrible! And-and the interview part went so well, y'know? I even made him laugh. He said something about a boat and I was like, "Well, yeah! If you've got enough life jackets!" Trust me, it was actually, it was very funny. Anyway, so we were saying good-bye and ugh!
Joey Tribbiani: What happened?
Rachel Green: All right, we were shaking hands and he kinda leaned toward me... Y'know maybe he was going to open the door, but I totally miss read him and I uhhh...
Joey Tribbiani: You kissed him?!
Rachel Green: Well, I didn't know what else to do!
Chandler Bing: Well you coulda tried, not kissing him.
Rachel Green: Thanks Chandler.
Monica Geller: Hey Rach, a guy from Ralph Lauren called, you got a second interview!
Rachel Green: I can't believe it! I got a second interview!
Monica Geller: Yes!
Joey Tribbiani: I bet that kiss isn't looking like such a big mistake now, is it?
Rachel Green: What-what, wait a minute, you don't think that's why he wants me back?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! No?
Monica Geller: A kiss? What are you talking about?
Rachel Green: I accidentally kissed him in the interview, and now he wants me back y'know of course, 'cause "Let's bring the girl back who kisses everybody!"
Chandler Bing: Come on, Rach.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! What if he thinks I'm the kind of girl that-that would just sleep with him?
Monica Geller: He probably wants you back because you're right for the job.
Rachel Green: Maybe. I-I don't know-Oh God, how could I be so stupid?!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh Rachel look, don't say that, I think you just need a hug from Joey. Come on. Come on. She's back! Hot girl's back!
Rachel Green: Ohh, well I'm not totally back yet, but thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: No, in Ross's building! She's back! She's back! Okay, wait there, I'll be over in a second. Got it!
Chandler Bing: I gotta check out this hot girl! There she is!
Joey Tribbiani: Damnit!! Did you move?!
Ross Geller: Yes. I lived with you guys for a while and then I found this place. I'm Ross.
The Old Man: Yes?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh do you happen to have a hot girl in there?
The Old Man: No. I'm all alone.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Sorry about that. Oh, hey little girl. Uhh, is-is your mommy, or sister, or babysitter by any chance a hot girl?
The Little Girl: Daddy!!
Joey Tribbiani: Later! Oh man! Hot girl! Hot girl!!
Mr. Zelner: Hi Rachel!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Mr. Zelner: Come on in.
Mr. Zelner: It's really nice to see you again.
Rachel Green: Thank you.
Mr. Zelner: Oh Rachel, uhh...
Rachel Green: What?
Mr. Zelner: Just ah...
Rachel Green: Excuse me?
Mr. Zelner: Here let me...
Rachel Green: Wh-whoa! All right, okay-okay, I see, I see what's going on here! Now listen, look-look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I am not some hussy who will just sleep around to get ahead! Now even though I , hey-hey-hey, even though I kissed you, that does not give you the right to demand sex from me. I do not want, this job that bad. Good day, sir.
Rachel Green: Ugh, you will not believe what that sleaze-ball from Ralph Lauren did too me!
Rachel Green: Okay-okay that-that's amazing. How did you know that?
Ross Geller: You got ink on your lip.
Rachel Green: Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh...
Chandler Bing: So what do you say, maybe sometime I hold your gun?
Gary: I don't know man, we're really not supposed to do that.
Chandler Bing: Oh, what can happen? I mean, would you...
Gary: Yeah, I'm gonna say no.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, do you want to go see a movie after dinner tonight?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh we can't, we already have plans.
Monica Geller: What are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, same thing we did all day, hang out at Gary's apartment. He is so amazing, we never left the bedroom. But have fun at the movie.
Monica Geller: Oh, we're not seeing a movie!
Phoebe Buffay: You're not? Then why did you ask us if we wanted to go?
Monica Geller: Oh umm, that's because I just wanted to y'know walk in on me and Chandler while we were, y'know, doing it all night. Will you excuse me for just a second?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah!
Monica Geller: Okay. Chandler? Can I see you for a second?
Chandler Bing: Uh, yeah.
Monica Geller: Okay. We have got to beat them! {Here we go yet again.}
Chandler Bing: Why?
Monica Geller: 'Cause, Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are!
Chandler Bing: Ohh, so?
Monica Geller: So! So we've got to go upstairs and have a lot of sex to prove them wrong!
Chandler Bing: Monica, you have got to stop this competitive thing! Okay? It's crazy. {Finally! The voice of reason.} I mean, just impress Gary and Phoebe we have to go upstairs and have sex over and over and I'm saying no to this, why? Get your coat.
Ross Geller: Hey!
The Man: Excuse me. You should check this out, tell the other tenants. Apparently he's running around looking for some kind of a hot girl.
Ross Geller: Who isn't?
Ross Geller: I don't, I don't think we've meet. I-I'm Ross.
The Hot Girl: I know. You're the guy who wouldn't chip in for the handyman.
Ross Geller: Nevermind!
The Hot Girl: No, I-I actually thought it was unfair the way everyone reacted. I mean you had just moved in.
Ross Geller: I had just moved in. Thank you! Listen umm...
The Hot Girl: Jen.
Ross Geller: Jen, I know this may sound a little... But uh, would you maybe wanna grab a cup of coffee sometime, or...
Jen: Sure! That would be nice.
Ross Geller: Umm?
Jen: Oh! My number is on there. Give me a call.
Ross Geller: I will give you a call.
Jen: I'll see you later.
Ross Geller: Okay!
Jen: I forgot my paper.
Chandler Bing: That was amazing!
Monica Geller: Phoebe and Gary are so gonna hear about this at dinner.
Chandler Bing: That was amazing.
Monica Geller: We are the hottest! Huh? No one is hotter than we are! You're the best.
Chandler Bing: No, you're the best.
Monica Geller: No, you're the best.
Chandler Bing: No, you're the best.
Monica Geller: I am the best.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey guys! What 'cha been doin'?
Monica Geller: Hey Joey! Isn't that the girl that waved at you the other day?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. But I can see through your sheet. Yeah, yeah, that's her. But y'know what? Doesn't matter, I'm never gonna get to meet her anyway.
Monica Geller: Why?
Joey Tribbiani: Because it's impossible to find her apartment! She lives in some like of hot girl parallel universe, or something.
Monica Geller: What are you talking about? She obviously lives on the second floor, seventh apartment from the left!
Joey Tribbiani: No. No. No. She lives on the third floor, eighth apartment from the left.
Monica Geller: No, those first two windows, that's the lobby. And y'know the other one over there, that's the stairway. You've been counting wrong.
Joey Tribbiani: I did not know that! Thank you Monica. I can't believe I almost lost another girl because of counting.
Ross Geller: So uhh, you ready?
Jen: Sure, I'll just get my coat. Could you get that?
Ross Geller: Sure. Joey...
Joey Tribbiani: Dahhhhh!! No! Noooo!!
Rachel Green: Ah, first, I-I would like to say thank you for agreeing to see me again.
Mr. Zelner: That's quite all right, but I feel obligated to tell you that this meeting is being videotaped.
Rachel Green: Okay. Umm, well, first I would like to start by apologizing for kissing you and uh, for yelling at you.
Mr. Zelner: Fair enough.
Rachel Green: Now you're probably going to hire one of the people who did not ah, who did, who did not umm, yell at you and storm out, and I think that's a big mistake and here's why. I made a huge fool of myself and I came back, that shows courage. When I thought you wanted sex in exchange for this job, I said no. That shows integrity. And, I was not afraid to stand up for myself and that shows courage. Okay umm, now I know I already said courage, but y'know you gotta have courage. And umm, and finally when I thought you were making sexual advances in the workplace, I said no and I was not litigious. {By the way, litigious means to want to litigate and litigate is to make a lawsuit against. So she didn't want to sue him. Don't worry, I had to look it up too.} So there you go, you got, you got courage, you got integrity, you got courage again, and not litigious. Look Mr...
Mr. Zelner: Zelner.
Rachel Green: Zelner! Right! I knew that! I really, really want this job and I think, I think I would be really good at it.
Mr. Zelner: Y'know what? I may regret this but uh, I'm going to give you a shot.
Rachel Green: Oh! You are?
Mr. Zelner: Um-hmm.
Rachel Green: Really? Oh thank you! Oh... Oh, would it be completely inappropriate to give you a hug?
Mr. Zelner: Yes!
Rachel Green: Okay, well then how about a handshake? Oh God I'm sorry! Oh God, I'm sorry! I did not mean to touch that-I mean you there. There. Uhh, okay, so thank-thank you, I'm going to leave now thank you very much uh-huh, thank you so-Hey! I'll see you Monday!
Phoebe Buffay: You tired Chandler?
Monica Geller: You better believe he's tired, after the day we had! If you know what I mean. You know what I mean?
Chandler Bing: Honey, the tortilla chips know what you mean.
Gary: So uh Chandler, you like that badge I got you?
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, it's so cool. Now I gotta go, Officer Bing has gotta, 10-100. That's pee-pee.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, you have a, a twig in your hair.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, umm, we kinda took a little detour on the way over here.
Gary: Yeah, we took a little stroll in the park and no one was around, so...
Monica Geller: You didn't!
Phoebe Buffay: We did! We violated Section 12 Paragraph 7 of the criminal code!
Monica Geller: The park huh? A public place.
Gary: Uh-huh.
Monica Geller: I hear ya. Excuse me for just a second!
Monica Geller: Hi Chandler.
Chandler Bing: Monica! This is the Men's room! Isn't it?
Monica Geller: Yes it is. You see I've always found the men's bathroom very sexual. Haven't you?
Chandler Bing: No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out. Monica, this is getting ridiculous!
Monica Geller: Come on, we can't let them win!
Chandler Bing: Ugh, we have already proved that we are hot! Okay? So why-why are you getting so obsessed about this thing?!
Monica Geller: Because Phoebe and Gary are in that-can't-keep-their-hands-off-each-other-doing-it-in-the-park phase!
Chandler Bing: So?
Monica Geller: I feel really sad that we're not...really there anymore.
Chandler Bing: Oh wow! Is that what this all have been about?
Monica Geller: Wasn't it a lot more exciting when we were y'know all over each other all the time?
Chandler Bing: Yeah that was great. That was really great! But to tell you the truth, I'm more excited about where we are right now.
Monica Geller: Really?
Chandler Bing: Yeah! I've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long before. Y'know to get past the beginning and still be around each other all the time, I think that's pretty incredible. And the fact that this is happening all with you, yeah I think that's pretty exciting.
Monica Geller: That is so sweet. I know that I was acting a little crazy but umm, I feel the same way.
Chandler Bing: Yeah?
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Y'know what I just realized? You just freaked out about our relationship.
Monica Geller: Did not.
Chandler Bing: Yes you did! Admit it! You freaked out!
Monica Geller: Okay, I freaked out a little.
Chandler Bing: Little?! You freaked out big time! Okay? And I fixed it! We have switched places! I am the relationship and king and you are the crazy, irrational screw up! And now we're back.
Rachel Green: I cannot believe Ross is buying this!
Monica Geller: Thank God! I can't watch him anymore!
Chandler Bing: You guys ready fore the movies?
Rachel Green: Yeah! Oh by the way, thank you for loaning us Pamela and Yasmine.
Ross Geller: Man! They cannot get enough!