Rachel Green: So, which of this kitchen stuff is mine?
Monica Geller: This bottle opener.
Rachel Green: And?
Monica Geller: And it's a magnet!
Rachel Green: Look at that!
Ross Geller: How weird is that? Y'know? You're moving in with me and have the one thing I don't have. It's like uh, in a way you-you complete me kitchen.
Rachel Green: What?!
Ross Geller: You complete me kitchen, matey!
Phoebe Buffay: Ross, I know what you're thinking.
Ross Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: That she's gonna move in with you and maybe then she'll fall in love with you and then when she finds out you're already married, she'll just be happy. Y'know? You're just, you're very sad.
Ross Geller: Oh...my...God! I-I see what this is! You are in love with Rachel!
Phoebe Buffay: What?!!
Ross Geller: Of course! It all adds up! I mean you you're obsessed with her. It's always, "Ross, what are you gonna do about Rachel?" "Ross, why-why are you moving in with Rachel?" "When are you gonna confess your secret marriage to Rachel?" You want her!
Phoebe Buffay: No!
Ross Geller: Uh-oh, saved by the bell. Hello?
Monica Geller: Hey Rach, aren't these candlesticks mine?
Rachel Green: No-no, I bought those.
Monica Geller: Ohh! Yeah, I forgot.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Monica Geller: That you're a liar.
Ross Geller: No-no-no, that's great! I'll be there Monday. And thank you again! Okay. Umm, that was the head of the Paleontology department at N uh, Y, uh U!
Monica Geller: Wow! Uh what, did he uh, say?
Ross Geller: Well remember that paper I had published last year on sediment flow rate, huh? They loved it.
Rachel Green: Well, who wouldn't?!
Ross Geller: I know! Anyway, they asked me to be a guest lecturer! I mean it's temporary, but uh, if they like me it could lead to a full time job. How great would that look great on a mailbox, huh? "Professor Geller."
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, Professor and Mrs.
Rachel Green: And Mrs.?!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Yeah, y'know you and Ross are still married.
Rachel Green: What?!!
Phoebe Buffay: Just kidding!
Rachel Green: Ohh! Oh God!
Phoebe Buffay: Saved your ass.
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi.
Monica Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Oh, what's the matter?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, you know that psychic I see?
Chandler Bing: Yeah?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, she told me that I'm gonna die this week, so I'm kinda bummed about that.
Chandler Bing: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, and I know you guys don't know a lot about psychic readings, but that one is pretty much the worse one you can get.
Monica Geller: Phoebe that's crazy!
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe she would say that too you.
Rachel Green: Yeah honey you don't believe her do you?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't-she said y'know that I'd have triplets! But she also said one of them would be black.
Chandler Bing: Just out of curiosity did she tell you how you're gonna go?
Phoebe Buffay: No, 'cause she didn't tell me I was gonna die until the very end of the session, and I was not gonna waste a whole another hour there! I mean I've only got a week left, y'know? I've really gotta start living now! , leans back, and starts reading.)
Ross Geller: Hey everyone!
Chandler Bing: Oh hi!
Ross Geller: Hey uh, well, today's my first lecture and I kinda wanted to try it out on you guys, do you, do you mind?
Everyone: Oh that'd be great. Sure!
Ross Geller: "There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into two distinct..."
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, this is it. This what's gonna kill me.
Ross Geller: "...subcategories. The first of these subcategories is..."
Joey Tribbiani: Uh Ross! Are there uh, are there naked chicks on that piece of paper?
Ross Geller: No! Why?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I've just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper that didn't have naked chicks on it.
Ross Geller: Ohh! Okay! Okay. "There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into..."
Chandler Bing: Why don't you open with a joke?
Ross Geller: Open with a joke? It's a university, not a comedy club!
Chandler Bing: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You're not talking about Chuckles University?!
Ross Geller: Okay!
Everyone: Ohh! We're kidding! Oh, we're kidding!
Rachel Green: Ross, hey you know what might make it less boring?
Ross Geller: Thank you!
Rachel Green: Some uh, some visual aides.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh-ooh-ooh! Y'know what's a good visual aide?
Ross Geller: Please don't say naked chicks.
Joey Tribbiani: Why not?!
Ross Geller: I-I-I don't even know why I bother to talk to you guys about it. Y'know what? I'm just gonna do it on my own with no naked chicks.
Chandler Bing: That's the way I did it 'til I was 19.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Any good mail?
Chandler Bing: Yes, you got something from the Screen Actor's Guild.
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, it's probably a residual check, hey can you open it for me, I'm kinda...
Chandler Bing: "Benefits lapsed."
Joey Tribbiani: Hmm that's weird. I don't remember being in a move called benefits lapsed.
Chandler Bing: Okay, it's not a check. They're saying your health insurance expired because, you didn't work enough last year.
Joey Tribbiani: Let me see that!
Chandler Bing: All right.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I can't believe this! This sucks! When I had insurance I could get hit by a bus or catch on fire, y'know? And it wouldn't matter. Now I gotta be careful?!
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry man, there's never a good time to stop catching on fire.
Joey Tribbiani: All right well, I guess I gotta go get a job. I'm gonna go see my agent.
Chandler Bing: Okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.
Joey Tribbiani: ...look both ways before you cross the street.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey Pheebs, you're still alive! How are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: Ugh, it's so exhausting waiting for death. Ohh, by the way, do you think you could-
Rachel Green: Pheebs, what-what are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: I was preparing you for my-didn't you think I was dead? Did that not come off?
Rachel Green: Oh yeah, scared the hell out of me. I thought we'd lost you forever. Pheebs, you lie down?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, thanks. And listen, can you do me a favor? Could you just umm, wake me up in a couple hours, y'know if you can.
Rachel Green: Monica!
Monica Geller: Hmm?
Rachel Green: Did-did you take these back?
Monica Geller: No-no, I-I just, I liked them so much that I went out and bought some for myself.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah, they're really great! Aren't they?
Monica Geller: I loved them!
Rachel Green: Yeah. Nice try!
Ross Geller: Hello!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Monica Geller: How'd the lecture go?
Ross Geller: It went great! And I didn't need any jokes or naked chicks either!
Rachel Green: Wow, that's great Ross, I'm sorry we weren't more supportive before.
Ross Geller: I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself. Everyone's all, "Ross you have to be funny and sexy." Well, I proved them wrong! And now, I'm gonna pass the news onto Joey and Chandler.
Monica Geller: That you're not funny or sexy?
Ross Geller: That's right!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Estelle, listen...
Estelle Leonard: Well! Well! Well! Joey Tribbiani! So you came back huh? They think they can do better but they all come crawling back to Estelle!
Joey Tribbiani: What are you talkin' about? I never left you! You've always been my agent!
Estelle Leonard: Really?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!
Estelle Leonard: Oh well, no harm, no foul.
Joey Tribbiani: Estelle, you gotta get me some work. I-I lost my health insurance.
Estelle Leonard: All right, first thing we gotta do, damage control.
Joey Tribbiani: Why?
Estelle Leonard: Well, I think uhh, someone out there may have been bad mouthing you all over town.
Joey Tribbiani: Bastard!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! So Estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow and I'll have my health insurance back in no time.
Chandler Bing: That's great, but shouldn't you be on the toilet right now?
Joey Tribbiani: What?!
Chandler Bing: What's wrong with you?
Joey Tribbiani: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven't been able to stand up since. But um, I don't think it's anything serious.
Chandler Bing: This sounds like a hernia. You have to-you-you go to the doctor!
Joey Tribbiani: No way! 'Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it's gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach!
Chandler Bing: That's a hernia.
Joey Tribbiani: Why did I have to start working out again? Damn you 15s!
Rachel Green: Well, we're a little early, the lecture doesn't end for 15 minutes.
Monica Geller: Yeah, but y'know we could sneak in and watch.
Rachel Green: Yeah, we could. Oh hey look! There's some Kappa Kappa Deltas! I was a Kappa. Hey sisters! Wow, we really are bitches.
Ross Geller: Right! So when Rigby got his samples back from the laboratory he made a startling discovery! What he believed to be igneous, was in fact sedimentary. Imagine his consternation when- Oh bloody hell.
Monica Geller: What the hell are you doing?!
Ross Geller: Look, I was nervous! You guys had me all worried I was going to be boring! I got up there and they were all like staring at me. I opened my mouth and this British accent just came out.
Rachel Green: Yeah, and not a very good one.
Ross Geller: Will you-will you please?
The Professor: Dr. Geller, Kurt Rathman, I'm a professor in the paleontology department here.
Ross Geller: Oh.
The Professor: Do you have a moment to talk about your lecture?
Ross Geller: I'm sorry, I've got plans with my sister.
Monica Geller: Monica Gellerrr.
Ross Geller: Right, will you excuse us for one moment? What are you doing?
Monica Geller: Oh, you can have an accent and I can't?! Top 'O the morning to ya laddies!
Ross Geller: Just please stop!
Rachel Green: Yes, yes, Bombay is bery, bery nice time of year.
Chandler Bing: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?!
Joey Tribbiani: Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. Besides it's getting darker and more painful, that means it's healing.
Chandler Bing: I will loan you the money. Just go to the hospital and let's just get that thing...pushed back in.
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back and I don't want that hanging over my head. Okay? Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in I can get all the free operations I want! Yeah, I'm thinking I'll probably start with that laser eye surgery too.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: What's going on?
Chandler Bing: Oh Joey's got a really bad hernia, but that's nothing a little laser eye surgery won't fix!
Joey Tribbiani: Look, I'm telling you if I put my hand on my stomach right here it doesn't hurt that bad.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Maybe you'll die!
Joey Tribbiani: Sure, now I'm scared.
Phoebe Buffay: No, we can go together! Just don't wait too long though, okay? 'Cause I'm outta here sometime before Friday.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, but I don't wanna die!
Phoebe Buffay: No-no, it'll be fun! We can come back and we can haunt these guys!
Monica Geller: Gimme 'em!
Rachel Green: No! They are mine!
Monica Geller: You stole them from me!
Rachel Green: You stole them from me!!
Monica Geller: Gimme them!
Monica Geller: You just wanna each take one?
Rachel Green: Yeah that seems fair. We never use them.
Ross Geller: Look, I really need some help, okay? Why? Why did I have to speak in a British accent?! What do I do?
Rachel Green: Well...
Monica Geller: Why don't you phase it out? Yeah, fade the accent out and people will think you're, y'know, that you're adjusting to life in America.
Rachel Green: Yeah, I mean, come on Ross, no one will even notice. I mean they're probably not even listening!
Ross Geller: They're not listening too me?
Rachel Green: Of course they're listening to you! Everybody listens to you.
Ross Geller: Monica you really think I should try this phasing out thing?
Monica Geller: I think you look fine.
Casting Director #1: Whenever you're ready.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. "Hey, Timmy, I've got a surprise for you."
Casting Director #1: Hold it. I'm sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less...intense?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, sure, no problem, I'll just-hold on one second. "Hey Timmy, I've got a surprise for you!"
Casting Director #1: Oh my God!!
Joey Tribbiani: So that's why I feed my dog Purina One! Pick up a bag today!
Casting Director #2: That's where you pick up the bag.
Joey Tribbiani: Exactly.
Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag.
Joey Tribbiani: Or, I could just point to it! Huh? Blah, blah, blah, Purina One, point to a bag today. I didn't get it, did I?
Casting Director #2: No.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Hi. I'm Joey Tribbiani; I'm here to audition for man.
Casting Director #3: You mean dying man?
Joey Tribbiani: Yes!
Monica Geller: Okay, come on, do it one more time!
Rachel Green: Really? Really?!
Monica Geller: Yes!
Rachel Green: Okay! "Hello Ross, this is Dr. McNeeley from the Fake Accent University, we'd like you to come on board with us full time!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Listen to this! My reading was wrong, I'm not going die!
Rachel Green: Really?! How do you know?
Phoebe Buffay: Because my psychic is dead! She must've read the cards wrong!
Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sorry.
Phoebe Buffay: Eh, better her than me! Hey, let's bake cookies!
Chandler Bing: Listen, I'm really glad you got the part.
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you.
Chandler Bing: But are you sure you can do this?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! And hey, thanks for coming with me. And thanks again for helping me take a shower.
Chandler Bing: Now, is that never talking about it again?!
Joey Tribbiani: Hiya!
The Director: Hey Joey, we're ready for ya! Joey, this is Alex he's going to be playing your son.
Joey Tribbiani: Hi Alex! And uh, as you can see my hands are not in my pants.
The Director: Okay. All right uh, Alex now when Joey says his line, "Take good care of your Momma son," that's your cue to cry. Got it? All right, let's do this.
A Crew Member: Scene 5, take 1.
The Director: And Action!
Joey Tribbiani: "Take could care of your Momma son." "Take could care of your Momma son." "Come on son! Your Momma's good people!"
The Director: Cut! Alex, remember you're supposed to cry. Can you cry for us this time?
Alex: Okay.
The Director: All right, from the top.
A Crew Member: Scene 5, take 2.
A Crew Member: Take 36 is up!
The Director: All right! Let's try this again! You ready Joe?
Joey Tribbiani: Ah, just one thing umm, is it all right with you if I, if I scream right up until you say action?
The Director: Uh sure.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
The Director: Action!
Joey Tribbiani: "Take good care of your Momma son."
The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!!
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry! Hey-hey Joe, why don't you uh, lift up your shirt? Take a look at this kiddo. We have a crying child! Roll the damn cameras!
Rachel Green: Hello?
Russell: Hello, is Ross there?
Rachel Green: Uh no, he's not. Can I take a message?
Russell: Yes, this Russell, Ross's divorce lawyer, just tell him that since I haven't heard from him, I assume he's decided to give the marriage a try.
Rachel Green: Ross got married again-Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!
Ross Geller: All right, keep going. We are phasing the accent out, phasing it out. So without out re-testing the results in the laboratory the team would never have identified the initial errors in their carbon dating analysis . Were there any questions at this point? Yes.
A Student: What's happening to your accent?
Ross Geller: Come again? What's-what's this nonsense? All right, I'm-I'm not English. I'm from Long Island. I was really nervous and the accent just uh, just came out. I'm sorry. So, if we could just get back to the lecture. Umm, were there any questions? About paleontology. All right, look I was just trying to make a good first impression. Obviously, I screwed up. But what you guys think of me is really important because I'm-I'm hoping to get a permanent job here. So if you just give me another chance to make a good impression...
Rachel Green: Ross!! Are you crazy?! I am still your wife!! What, were you just never gonna tell me?!! What the hell is wrong with you?!!!! Ugh, I could just kill you!!!!
Ross Geller: Well, hello Rachel!
Phoebe Buffay: Have you really done this before?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You just take a big, big swing. Now, don't hold back. and Phoebe picks up a wooden baseball bat and starts to swing as Chandler and Monica enter.)
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey-hey!
Chandler Bing: What are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: We're just celebrating that Joey got his health insurance back.
Chandler Bing: Oh, all right.


Rachel Green: I cannot believe that you didn't tell me that we are still married!!
Ross Geller: Look I was going to tell you!
Rachel Green: When?! After the birth of our first secret child?! Ross didn't get the annulment; we are still married.
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: You're kidding!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God!!
Monica Geller: Ross!
Ross Geller: Okay, maybe it wasn't my best decision. But I just couldn't face another failed marriage.
Chandler Bing: Okay, let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this was a successful marriage?
Ross Geller: Rach, come on, if you think about it, it's actually kinda funny. Okay, maybe it's best not to think about it.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, this is inexcusable. I am shocked to my very core!
Ross Geller: Phoebe, I told her you already knew.
Phoebe Buffay: Another lie. You have a sickness!
Chandler Bing: Ross, just for my own piece of mind, you're not married to anymore of us are ya?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh! Hey, somebody left their keys. Ooohh, to a Porsche! Hey Gunther, these yours?
Gunther: Yeah, that's what I drive. I make four bucks an hour, I saved up for 350 years!
Joey Tribbiani: Na-uh! Hey did anybody lose their keys?
Monica Geller: Joey, why don't you put them in the lost and found?
Joey Tribbiani: There's a lost and found? My shoe!
Chandler Bing: You left a shoe here?!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I didn't realize until I got home. I wasn't gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe! Y'know what? I'm gonna go find that guy's car and leave a note on the windshield.
Chandler Bing: Oh good, when he comes back for his keys, I'll be sure to give him your shoe.
Joey Tribbiani: Great! Thanks.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, good, good, you guys are here! Listen, how would like to spend tomorrow taking care of three incredibly cute little puppies?!
Monica Geller: Oh my God, what a fun day! That sounds great!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, all right.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, well I'll bring them by tomorrow morning. Okay, and uh, by the way, they're not actually puppies, they're Frank and Alice's triplets. Okay, see ya!
Chandler Bing: Whoa-whoa-whoa! What?
Phoebe Buffay: Please! Please! Please! Please! Oh please! Please! Please! Frank and Alice asked me to baby sit the triplets and I'm nervous 'cause I've never done that before by myself!
Monica Geller: Don't worry about it Phoebe, we'll absolutely do it.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I'm gonna pass. 'Cause I was kinda iffy when it was puppies.
Monica Geller: Come on Chandler, come on! It'll give us great practice for when-people with babies come to visit.
Guy #1: Nice car!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, it's not mine.
Woman: I love your car.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, it's mine.
Woman: I bet it's fast.
Joey Tribbiani: Me too! Yeah. And comfortable. Do uh, do you like leather seats?
Woman: Yeah!
Joey Tribbiani: It's got 'em!
Rachel Green: So, I still have boxes here. I still have boxes at Ross's, and I have nowhere to live! Wow. I could so easily freak out right now.
Phoebe Buffay: What about me? I just found out that Denise is leaving town for a while, I don't have a roommate.
Rachel Green: Well, maybe-maybe I could be your roommate Pheebs.
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe you could be my roommate!
Rachel Green: Well there's an idea!!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah!
Rachel Green: That would be great! Wait, how long is Denise gone for?
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, she said she'd be back December 26th.
Rachel Green: December 26th, huh maybe she's Santa Clause.
Rachel Green: Oh look who it is, my husband. The apple of my eye.
Ross Geller: Okay, I got us a court date for tomorrow at 2:00 and I picked up all the forms. I'll take care of everything.
Rachel Green: Well sure, if you say you're gonna take care of everything I have no reason to doubt you. Give me those forms! All right, now I'm gonna do this my way and I don't want to hear a peep out of you!
Ross Geller: Okay Rach, but...
Rachel Green: Op! You're peeping!
Rachel Green: Ross! Y'know what, I just got-why? Why did you do this?!
Ross Geller: Look I told you...
Rachel Green: I don't wanna hear "Three failed marriages!"
Ross Geller: Look, if you'd had two failed marriages, you'd understand!
Rachel Green: Well, y'know what? Thanks to you I'm half way there! Ugh! Oh! I am so mad! Ross, I don't think I have ever been this angry!
Ross Geller: What about the time I said we were on a break?
Rachel Green: Ugh!
Monica Geller: Pheebs, how's it going?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm doing okay. I think it's going well. Do you think they're having fun? Am I talking to fast?
Monica Geller: Nope, sound like me. Pheebs, it's going great. Look at Chandler with little baby girl Chandler.
Chandler Bing: Little baby girl Chandler, where I have heard that before? Oh right, Coach Ruben. Do you know what Pheebs? When you're done over there, we kinda have a situation over here too.
Phoebe Buffay: Na-uh, no, we are all responsible for our own babies.
Chandler Bing: See that's where I think that you're wrong. We've been playing these babies man for man; we should really be playing a zone defense.
Monica Geller: What do you mean?
Chandler Bing: I just think that things would go a lot smoother if we each have our own zone. Phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. And y'know Mon, you can be in charge of diapering and I can be in charge of looking how cute they are when they put their hands around...
Phoebe Buffay: That sounds really great, but maybe you should be in charge of wiping.
Chandler Bing: Okay, I'm a rookie. I should not be in the end zone.
Monica Geller: This is so great! This is exactly how we set the plates at the restaurant.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? Well this is not what I ordered.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey guys!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey babies! Oh, I'm having the best morning. That uh, that Porsche I've got the keys too, still there!
Chandler Bing: Shocking! Since you still have the keys.
Joey Tribbiani: You should see the treatment I get when I'm with that car! People are friendly; they-they wanna talk, and not just about the car! One guy gave me advice about my equity investments.
Chandler Bing: What equity investments?
Joey Tribbiani: The ones that got me the Porsche! Will you keep up! But I figured, if-if people keep seeing me just standing there, they're gonna start to think that I don't own it. So I figured I'll wash it. Right? Monica, you got a bucket and some soap I can borrow?
Monica Geller: Oh yeah, I got soap and sponges and rags and Carnuba wax and polishing compound.
Chandler Bing: You don't even have a car!
Monica Geller: I know. But umm, one time there was this really dirty car in front of the building, so I washed it.
Chandler Bing: And?
Monica Geller: And six others.
Chandler Bing: There you are.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, she tops out at 130.
Guy #2: Wow!
Joey Tribbiani: And that's just in the city. I get her up to 160 when I take her upstate.
Guy #2: Really! You got a place upstate?
Joey Tribbiani: Sure!
Guy #2: Well, I'll see you later.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, take it easy.
The Porsche Owner: Hey! That's my car.
Joey Tribbiani: Really? Oh uh, oh just give me five more minutes with it.
The Porsche Owner: What-what are you doing?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh I-I uh, found the keys and now I'm just polishing her up.
The Porsche Owner: But it's my car!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, but it's my wax.
The Porsche Owner: Listen, I-I-I don't come to this city much so I don't know if you're crazy or this is some kind of street theater, but could I have my keys.
Joey Tribbiani: Sure. Here. I'll uh, save your parking spot.
The Porsche Owner: I'm not coming back.
Joey Tribbiani: Why not?
The Porsche Owner: I live upstate.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, so did I.
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know why I was so nervous about this. And I don't know why Frank and Alice are always complaining. This is so easy.
Monica Geller: Yeah, two hours, a lifetime that's the same.
Chandler Bing: Check it out! Check it out! When the babies wake up, they can meet Krog!
Monica Geller: Chandler, what are you doing? That thing can put someone's eye out!
Chandler Bing: He can do more than that! He can destroy the universe!
Phoebe Buffay: No Chandler, they can swallow one of those little parts! And also, look at his smooth area, that's just gonna mess them up.
Chandler Bing: They're not gonna swallow anything, you guys are being way over protective. When I was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a pile of broken glass!
Phoebe Buffay: What?!
Chandler Bing: Glass, sand, whatever.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, look at little Leslie stretching in her sleep.
Monica Geller: Oh it's so cute. I wonder what age it is when you stop being able to put both legs over your head.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I can still do that.
Monica Geller: How are you still single?!
Chandler Bing: All right. I thought about it and maybe you're right. Maybe Krog is not a safe toy.
Monica Geller: Good. What made you change your mind?
Chandler Bing: I swallowed the sonic blaster gun.
Phoebe Buffay: How did that happen?!!
Chandler Bing: Well, I was trying to prove that I was right. Y'know? And it turns out I was wrong. And now it's lodged in my throat.
Monica Geller: Damnit! Y'know this whole time we were concentrating on watching the babies and, and no one was watching Chandler!
Judge: Okay you two are asking the court for an annulment?
Rachel Green: Yes your honor, and here are, are forms, all filled out.
Judge: So based on your petition you are seeking an annulment on the grounds that Mr. Geller is mentally unstable.
Ross Geller: Fine, I'm mentally unstable.
Judge: And based on the fact that Mr. Geller is intravenous drug user.
Ross Geller: What?!
Rachel Green: Uh yes, heroin and crack.
Ross Geller: Crack isn't even an intravenous drug!
Rachel Green: Well, you would know.
Judge: Now it also says here that you lied about your sexual preference before marriage?
Ross Geller: Oh, come on!
Rachel Green: Ross, please, I found the magazines!
Judge: And finally that you were unable to consummate the marriage. Well, that makes sense since you're gay and addicted to heroin.
Ross Geller: Okay, I'm sorry, this is insane! I-I-I'm not addicted to heroin, I'm not gay, and there is no problem with my ability to consummate anything! Look, I'll consummate this marriage right here, right now!
Judge: That won't be necessary.
Ross Geller: And when we were dating we consummated like bunnies!
Rachel Green: Ugh!
Judge: Now if you were two involved in a serious relationship, that really creates a problem.
Rachel Green: Ross! Your honor, rest assured relationship ended like two years ago! And could you strike "Consummated like bunnies" from the record?
Judge: Is there, anything in this record that is actually true?
Rachel Green: Well, yes, we got married in Vegas and uh, and the names I think.
Judge: Well, based on what I heard, you two certainly don't qualify for an annulment. If you two don't want to be together you'll have to file for divorce.
Ross Geller: That's great! Are you happy now? Look what you did with your funny, funny form!
Rachel Green: What?! Me?! What about you and your consummated like bunnies nonsense!
Ross Geller: And what-What are you typing that for? Did you hear what she said? We don't get the annulment. Don't type that! What?! Stop typing! Hey! Stop typing! Stop typing! Stop typing!!
Rachel Green: Okay, do you see, do you see what you're keeping me married too?!
Judge: You need to get out of my chambers.
Rachel Green: All right look lady here is the deal, I came here for an annulment and I am not leaving here until I get one!
Ross Geller: Yeah!
Judge: Would you like to spend the night in jail?
Rachel Green: And thank you for your time.
Joey Tribbiani: So the Porsche guy took his car back.
Chandler Bing: But you found the keys to his clothes?
Joey Tribbiani: No. No, I just uh, I just loved the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche.
Monica Geller: And people will think you own a Porsche because you're wearing the clothes?
Joey Tribbiani: Of course! Only an idiot would wear this stuff if you didn't have the car! Right?
Chandler Bing: That is true.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I've been there. Yeah, I am gonna go drive my Porsche.
Monica Geller: Joey, you know you don't actually have one.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on! What are you doing?! I'm in character! Would you talk to her!
Chandler Bing: Ahh, I think it just moved. It's really poking me.
Monica Geller: All right, that's it, we're going to the emergency room.
Phoebe Buffay: What?! No, you can't, you can't leave me here with them! We're baby-sitting!
Monica Geller: The babies are asleep, I'm sure you'll be okay on your own for a while!
Phoebe Buffay: But you-you can't leave me with them! We-we're a team! We're playing a zone! They're gonna triple team me!
Monica Geller: He's got something plastic lodged in his throat, we've got to go to the hospital.
Phoebe Buffay: But no, because a doctor won't be able to help him, it's just gonna y'know naturally pass through his system in like seven years.
Chandler Bing: I think that's gum.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm pretty sure it's gun.
Chandler Bing: Okay, listen this really hurts. Let's go.
Phoebe Buffay: A real man wouldn't just run to the hospital! No! What would, what would Krog do?
Joey Tribbiani: Why isn't that valet back with my Porsche?
Passerby: Maybe because you've got the keys?
Joey Tribbiani: Porsche.
Rachel Green: This is totally your fault!
Ross Geller: My fault?! You threatened the judge!
Rachel Green: Well, you ripped the paper out of the court reporter's machine!!
Ross Geller: That was the only way I could get him to stop typing!
Joey Tribbiani: Hi! How are the Gellers?
Rachel Green: Don't call us that!
Ross Geller: The judge wouldn't let us get an annulment! Now we gotta get a divorce!! Did a Porsch throw up on you?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! It's Porsche!!
Phoebe Buffay: Me taking care of you is no problem, huh? You guys feel safe. Right? Okay, I'm gonna take that spit bubble as, "Yeah, I do!" Okay, after I get rid of this dirty diaper Leslie, I'll set you up with a clean one. Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I just have to clean that up. Okay? 'Cause let's face it, we're at Monica's. I broke it. All right. Well, that's just the way that goes. Okay, good. Why are there only two of you? Where is Leslie? Well, you can't answer. Leslie? Where are you Leslie? Leslie, now would be a good time for your first words! Well, look at you! Hey! You are a little bit mischievous! My gosh! Oh, you're a lot mischievous! Well, it'll dry. Okay, you sit with your brother and sister now-who aren't there!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: How do you feel?
Chandler Bing: Well, let's just say that Krog will be fully equipped to destroy the universe again in twelve to fourteen hours.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so I totally took care of the babies all by myself! I fed 'em, bathed 'em, and put 'em to bed.
Chandler Bing: And protected them from a tornado?
Monica Geller: Oh my God.
Phoebe Buffay: I know, the babies are asleep.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, what, what happened here?!
Phoebe Buffay: I did it! I took care of the babies all by myself!
Monica Geller: But my apartment!
Chandler Bing: Was the setting of Phoebe's triumph.
Monica Geller: But the mess!
Chandler Bing: Is not as important as the fact that Phoebe took care of the babies all by herself.
Monica Geller: You're right, you're right I shouldn't freak out. 'Cause this is what will happen when you and I have babies! When will that be?!
Chandler Bing: Phoebe, would you take a look at this mess!!!!
Rachel Green: Oh honey thank God you're home, I was getting worried.
Ross Geller: I picked up the divorce papers. Uh, I've already signed everything and I put little 'X's where you need to sign.
Rachel Green: Oh, little 'X's! Great! That makes up for everything!
Ross Geller: Y'know, I-I-you've done a lot of stupid stuff too! Okay?
Rachel Green: Oh, name one stupid thing that is as stupid as this one!
Ross Geller: Okay, how about you flew to London to stop my wedding! Ah, how about you told me you loved me after I was already married!
Rachel Green: Hey! Wait a minute! That was different! I did those things because I was in love with you!
Ross Geller: Yeah! Right!
Ross Geller: You're right. That's very different. So let's, let's just sign the papers. All right? What?
Rachel Green: Nothing.
Ross Geller: Okay, can we just sign please?
Rachel Green: Uh-hmm.
Ross Geller: Congratulations.
Rachel Green: Okay Ross, we're-wait a minute. Umm, I uh, I kinda have a little confession.
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: Well, y'know this whole marriage thing, kinda my idea.
Ross Geller: Excuse me?
Rachel Green: Well, remember how we were too drunk to remember anything the night we were married?
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Rachel Green: And uh, yeah, I didn't really, I didn't want to say anything, but it kinda it just, it kinda kept coming back to me, and umm, remember we were in the casino and for some reason thought it would be funny to eat a lot of grapes. And uh, and I thought it would be funnier if we got married. So as a, as a compromise we decided first to get married, and then to eat a lot of grapes. So umm, sorry I got us into this mess.
Ross Geller: So then if-if-I mean if you think about it, this is all your fault.
Rachel Green: Yeah, don't push it though.
Ross Geller: I've got to say; I know I divorce a lot of women, never thought I would be divorcing you.
Rachel Green: I know. I always thought if you and I got married, it would be the one that stuck. And it wouldn't be a secret, and we wouldn't have our wedding dinner at Pizza Hut.
Ross Geller: Did I, did I even treat?
Rachel Green: No, it was on the house, it was, it was a newlywed special.
Ross Geller: That may be the most depressing thing I've heard in my life. I should probably get these to my lawyer's office.
Rachel Green: Hey, thanks Ross, for taking care of all of this.
Ross Geller: Eh, no problem.
Rachel Green: I'm gonna need a copy of those.
Ross Geller: Totally.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Hey! Be careful around my Porsche!
Woman: Hi Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! How you doin'?
Woman: He has the most amazing Porsche under there!
Joey Tribbiani: I'd love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. She's sleeping. Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink?


Chandler Bing: Okay! Listen, I'm gonna be moving out so you will be in charge of paying the rent.
Joey Tribbiani: Right! And when is that due?
Chandler Bing: First of the month.
Joey Tribbiani: And that's every month?
Chandler Bing: No, just the months you actually want to live here.
Joey Tribbiani: Ahhh.
Chandler Bing: Okay, here is the phone bill.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God!!
Chandler Bing: That's our phone number. Now look, I know I kinda sprung this whole me moving out on thing, so why don't I just-why don't I just cover you for a while?
Joey Tribbiani: No-no! No way! Joey Tribbiani does not take charity...anymore.
Chandler Bing: It's not charity, Joe...
Joey Tribbiani: No! Forget it! Okay-I mean thanks, but I'm done taking money from you. All right, I can take of myself. Now, what's next? Come on.
Chandler Bing: Okay uh, here's the electric bill.
Joey Tribbiani: This is how much we pay for electric?!!!
Chandler Bing: Uh, yeah.
Chandler Bing: So, we'll do the rest of the bills later then?
Phoebe Buffay: So is Joey going to have to give up the apartment?
Chandler Bing: No, I hope not! I tried to offer him some money, but he wouldn't take it.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, how much do you think he needs?
Chandler Bing: I figure that $1,500 would cover him for a few months, y'know? But I have to trick him into taking it so I won't hurt his pride.
Phoebe Buffay: Why don't you hire him as an actor? You could have him dress up and put on little skits. Whatever you want.
Chandler Bing: Well that would help the pride thing.
Monica Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey! Wow! You look great! Wanna move in with me tomorrow?
Monica Geller: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Okay! So, what do you girls have planned for tonight?
Monica Geller: Well, instead of being sad that tonight is my last night together with Rachel we thought we'd go out to dinner and celebrate the fact that Rachel is moving in with Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: And also, my birthday.
Monica Geller: It's not your birthday.
Phoebe Buffay: What a mean thing to say! I would never tell you it's not your birthday!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! So you guys have anything planned for the big last night?
Chandler Bing: Well, instead of just hanging out, we figure we'd do nothing.
Ross Geller: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Knicks season opener tonight. I thought maybe you guys would come over and watch it.
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know Ross, not if you're gonna talk about how you gave up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist.
Ross Geller: I did give up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist!
Rachel Green: Pheebs, I was wondering...
Monica Geller: You're not dressed yet?! We're supposed to start having fun in 15 minutes!
Rachel Green: Well and clearly not a minute sooner.
Monica Geller: Rachel, you are packed though right, I mean please tell me that you're packed.
Rachel Green: Of course I packed! Monica relax! I just wanted to ask Phoebe her opinion on what I should wear tonight.
Phoebe Buffay: My God, I can't get a minute of peace around this place.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Monica's just gonna kill you.
Rachel Green: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, what you're wearing is fine for that.
Monica Geller: Rachel, I need to borrow-You're not packed!!!! You're not packed even a little bit!
Rachel Green: Surprise!!
Monica Geller: What?
Rachel Green: No, no don't get mad because look-this is what happened. So I-I started packing, then I realized, "What am I doing? I am lousy at packing!" Right? But you love packing! So, as a gift to you, on our last night, ta-da!
Monica Geller: I'll be coordinator! Oh my God! I'm so sorry, I didn't get you anything! Okay, look everybody has to help! Okay? You can help, can't you Phoebe?
Phoebe Buffay: I have plans.
Monica Geller: You're plans were with us.
Phoebe Buffay: That's right.
Monica Geller: All right, Chandler can make boxes, Ross can wrap, and Joey can lift things. Now Phoebe, go tell the guys they have to help out!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Monica Geller: Okay! Oh my God, thank you!!
Phoebe Buffay: Hurry! Monica's gonna make you pack! She's got jobs for everyone! Now, it's too late for me, but save your selves!
Monica Geller: Okay! The movers will be here in 11 hours. Rachel has not packed. Now, everybody has to help! Chandler, we're gonna start with...
Chandler Bing: Oh nope, I-I have plans with Joey.
Monica Geller: I thought you said you were going to do nothing.
Chandler Bing: Yes, but for the last time.
Monica Geller: Okay fine, now Ross...
Ross Geller: Oh, but-but I can't do it.
Monica Geller: Why not?
Joey Tribbiani: I've got Ben.
Ross Geller: Because, because I've got Ben.
Monica Geller: It's almost 8 o'clock, it's almost past his bedtime. Where-where is he?
Chandler Bing: He's at a dinner party.
Monica Geller: Is he really coming? Because I can see right into your apartment!
Ross Geller: Of course he is! What, do you think I'd just use my son as-as an excuse? What kind of father do you think I am?
Monica Geller: All right, sorry.
Ross Geller: I gotta go make a fake Ben.
Joey Tribbiani: Here it is! Our last pizzas together as roommates.
Chandler Bing: Oh, I wish I'd know you were going to do that, I ordered Chinese.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh that's okay. Hey, actually in a way it's kinda nice. Me, bringing the food of my ancestors, you, the food of yours!
Chandler Bing: Say, Joe, I had a strange idea of what we could do for our last night. What do you say we play a little uh, foosball for money?
Joey Tribbiani: What, are you crazy? You haven't beaten me once since my injury plagued '97 season. It would be easier if you just give me your money.
Chandler Bing: Yes it would. What do you say to $50?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, you're on.
Chandler Bing: Okay, let's play! The big game, Italy vs. China, apparently.
Rachel Green: Ohhhhhh, look it's the roller blades.
Monica Geller: Oh God!
Rachel Green: You remember when we got these?
Monica Geller: No.
Rachel Green: I guess you weren't there.
Phoebe Buffay: You guys, we said we were gonna have fun! Come on, hey, remember the time... You don't remember?
Rachel Green: I'm sorry Pheebs, I guess I'm just really said that I'm leaving.
Monica Geller: I'm gonna miss you so much.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, this doesn't have to be so sad though. Y'know? Maybe instead of just thinking about how much you're gonna miss each other, you should like think of the things you're not gonna miss.
Monica Geller: I don't think there's anything.
Phoebe Buffay: Come on, there's gotta be something.
Monica Geller: Nope, she's perfect.
Rachel Green: I have one.
Phoebe Buffay: Good! Great! You can go first.
Rachel Green: Uh well, I guess I'm not gonna miss the fact that you're never allowed to move the phone pen.
Phoebe Buffay: Good that's a good one. Okay, Monica, anything? Y'know? Does Rachel move the phone pen?
Monica Geller: Aw, sometimes. Always, actually.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, good. There you go. Doesn't anyone feel better?
Monica Geller: Not just the phone pen. I never get my messages.
Rachel Green: You get your messages!
Monica Geller: Yeah, well I don't think it really counts if you have to read them off the back of your hand after you fall asleep on the couch.
Rachel Green: So-so, you missed a message from who? Chandler or your mom? Or Chandler? Or your mom?
Phoebe Buffay: Great! It worked! No one's sad.
Joey Tribbiani: Yes! I win again! Ha-ha! That's like 500 bucks you owe me! Whoo-ho-hoo! $500 that is a loooot of electricity! Whoo-ho-ho! I gotta buy some food.
Chandler Bing: Okay, give me a chance to win my money back. Okay? Sudden death, one goal, $1,000.
Joey Tribbiani: You serious?
Chandler Bing: Oh yes!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, get ready to owe me!
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, here we go. Ready?
Chandler Bing: No! No! No! No-one can beat me.
Chandler Bing: See? Now, that's why only the little fake men are supposed to do all the kicking.
Monica Geller: Hello? Oh, hi Ross! See? Other people call me!
Rachel Green: Ooh, your brother. Score!
Monica Geller: What's up?
Ross Geller: Oh, I'm just over here with Ben. I thought we'd say hi.
Monica Geller: Oh, put him on!
Ross Geller: Ben, say hi to Aunt Monica. Oh, I guess he doesn't feel like talking right now. He's smiling though! Okay, talk to you later.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I think it was better when you guys were sad. Hey, uh, remember the roller blades?
Rachel Green: You know what else I'm not gonna miss? "I'm Monica. I wash the toilet 17 times a day. Even if people are on it!"
Monica Geller: "Hi I'm Rachel, is my sweater too tight? No? Oh, I'd better wash it and shrink it!"
Rachel Green: "I'm Monica, I don't get phone messages from interesting people. Ever!"
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! I call her!
Monica Geller: "Oh my God, I love Ross! I hate Ross! I love Ross! I hate Ross!"
Rachel Green: "Oh my God, I can't find a boyfriend! So I guess I'll just stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find in there!"
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, we should get a move on if we wanna make those dinner reservations.
Chandler Bing: Still broken?
Joey Tribbiani: This sucks man! The last night you're here and I lose the two most important things in my life, the foosball table and $500.
Chandler Bing: Well, there are other ways of winning back your money, how about a little uh, a little Blackjack?
Joey Tribbiani: Nah, not my game.
Chandler Bing: Okay, uh, how about, how about-y'know what? We could play a new game. A new game, it's fun.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, what's it called?
Chandler Bing: Cups.
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know how to play Cups.
Chandler Bing: I'll teach ya! Come on, come on, it's really easy and really, really fun.
Joey Tribbiani: All right.
Chandler Bing: Okay, here you go. I have two queens, what do you have?
Joey Tribbiani: A two and a five.
Chandler Bing: Ho-ho, you win! 50 dollars!
Joey Tribbiani: Really?!
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah! Okay, let's play again. What do you got?
Joey Tribbiani: A four and a nine.
Chandler Bing: You're kidding right?
Joey Tribbiani: No. Why?
Chandler Bing: Well that's a full cup!
Joey Tribbiani: Damn! I am good at Cups!
Monica Geller: I'm not talking to her!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, one of you has to take the first step! And it should be you, because she's the one who's leaving. It's harder for her!
Monica Geller: Well, maybe you're right-She made fun of my phone pen!
Phoebe Buffay: I know, I took it hard too.
Monica Geller: Listen Rachel, I feel really bad about-What are you doing?
Rachel Green: I'm unpacking!
Monica Geller: What?!
Rachel Green: I'm not moving! Is that picture straight?
Monica Geller: It needs to go about 20 blocks to the left!
Rachel Green: Hey, y'know what? You're the one who wants to make this big change and move in with Chandler! You should be the one to go! Why should I have to leave?!
Monica Geller: Because it's my apartment!
Rachel Green: Well it's mine too! What else you got?!
Monica Geller: How about, you're moving!!
Rachel Green: Look! This is ridiculous. We should be packing you!!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, how are you guys doing?
Rachel Green: Great! Monica's moving!
Monica Geller: I am not!
Rachel Green: Oh really?! Then how come all your stuff is in this box?!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, you guys. You guys I think I know what's going on here. Okay, you guys... STOP!! I know that, I know that you're acting mad because you think that it'll make it easier to leave. But deep down you're still really sad. Deep-deep down.
Monica Geller: No Phoebe I am mad!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, deep-deep-deep down!
Rachel Green: Yeah, I'm just mad!
Phoebe Buffay: Then keep running.
Chandler Bing: You win.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, what did you have?
Chandler Bing: It doesn't matter because nothing beats a three and a six. That my friend is D-Cup. Okay, now much have you won so far?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, wow, 700.
Chandler Bing: Not 700 exactly?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Double it!
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Chandler Bing: Well you see in Cups, once you get $700, you have to double it.
Joey Tribbiani: Really?
Chandler Bing: Hey, I didn't make up the rules. Now, after you receive the doubling bonus, you get uh, one card. Now that one card could be worth $100 bringing your total to 1,500. Don't get to excited because that's not gonna happen unless you get-No way!
Monica Geller: Well, this is the last box of your clothes. I'm just gonna label it, "What were you thinking?"
Rachel Green: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey you guys, I don't mean to make things worse, but umm, I don't want to live with Rachel anymore.
Phoebe Buffay: You're just so mean to each other! And I don't want to end up like that with Rachel. I still like you!
Rachel Green: Well, Phoebe that's fine because I'm not moving.
Monica Geller: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Phoebe you gotta take her! Y'know I-I-I said some really bad stuff about her, but y'know Rachel has some good qualities that make her a good roommate.
Rachel Green: Oh really? Like what Monica?
Monica Geller: Y'know she has 147,000 pairs of boots...
Rachel Green: Oh yeah, good start Mon.
Monica Geller: She lets you borrow them.
Rachel Green: Yeah and you stretch 'em out with your big old clown feet.
Monica Geller: Do you wanna live outside?! Because it's gettin' cold! She gets tons of catalogs and umm, she'll fold down the pages of the things she thinks that I'd like.
Phoebe Buffay: What else?
Monica Geller: When I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror.
Rachel Green: Yeah, I do. I-I do, do that.
Phoebe Buffay: That's nice. I like having things to read in the bathroom.
Monica Geller: When I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a blanket.
Rachel Green: Well y'know, I don't want you to be cold.
Monica Geller: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave. And I have to live with a boy!!
Rachel Green: Oh, it's gonna be fine.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay Rachel, I can't wait to live with you! And you know what we should do? Bring Monica and then we could all live there together! We'll have so much fun!!
Rachel Green: But honey, I think she's moving in with Chandler.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh that's right. You're still set on that?
Monica Geller: Kinda. Oh my God!
Ross Geller: Hello? Hey Mon, how's the packing going? Ben? He's fine. Yeah, he's right-Oh my God! Get your head of your shirt there son! What? Yeah, it's a pumpkin. I'll come pack.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: What's wrong?
Joey Tribbiani: Ross and I were helping the girls pack, took a little break, I lost $1,500 to him in Cups!
Chandler Bing: Wh-How did you lose at Cups?!
Joey Tribbiani: The same way you lost. I started out with a King and a Queen, bamn! Ross gets a 2 and a 3. Then I get a Jack and a King, boom! Ross gets a 4 and a 5! Ross was getting the Cup card, the D-Cup, the Sittin' Down Bonus! Meanwhile, I didn't even get half a cup! Nothin'!!
Chandler Bing: Oh man!!
Joey Tribbiani: And he never played before either! Y'know what I think? I think beginner's luck, very important in Cups.
Chandler Bing: All right, let's play one more hand! One more!
Joey Tribbiani: No, no, no more! I cannot lose another dime! I'm serious this time! In-in fact, look, there's a-I wanna give you something. And let me give it too you know before I pawn it for Cups money. Now, I want you to have the big white dog as a kinda of a, y'know, thank you for being such a great roommate.
Chandler Bing: I can't take the big white dog! You love it!
Joey Tribbiani: It's him, not it!
Chandler Bing: No, but wait-what if I bought it from you, y'know? And your nice gesture would be giving it to me at a reasonable price, say $1,500?
Joey Tribbiani: Wait a second, I see what you're trying to do here! You-you're trying to give me money again!
Chandler Bing: When did I try to give you money?
Joey Tribbiani: Over there! Before, with the bills! You tried to give some charity, I said "No," you dropped it. Okay? Then we had a nice last night together, we had some fun, we gambled, nobody tried to give anybody any money! Now out of the blue, you start with the charity thing again!
Chandler Bing: I'm just trying to help you out! Okay? I wanna make sure that you're okay.
Joey Tribbiani: I will be okay! Look Chandler, you gotta get it out of your head that I can't take care of myself. Okay? Look, I'm not gonna miss you helping me out with money. The only thing that I'm gonna miss...is you. And now the dog.
Monica Geller: Hey. Call me when you get there. Okay?
Rachel Green: Okay.
Monica Geller: I'm really gonna miss you.
Rachel Green: Oh! I have your key. Here you go.
Monica Geller: Thanks.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Oh God! This is silly, I'm gonna see you in a couple of hours!
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Bye house!
Rachel Green: Bye Mon.
Monica Geller: Bye.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Monica Geller: She really left.
Chandler Bing: I know.
Monica Geller: Thank you.
Chandler Bing: No problem roomie.
Monica Geller: Can I ask you a question?
Chandler Bing: Sure!
Monica Geller: What the hell is that dog doing here?!
Chandler Bing: I invented the game of Cups as a way to give Joey money.
Ross Geller: And now you want that money back.
Chandler Bing: Exactly.
Ross Geller: Chandler, what kind of an idiot do you take me for?
Chandler Bing: It's not a real game! I made it up!
Ross Geller: I'm sorry you lost your money, but I won it fair and square.
Chandler Bing: At a fake game!!
Ross Geller: Now, if you wanna try to make some of it back, I'd be glad to play you for it. But I should warn you, I am very good at Cups.
Chandler Bing: Okay! Now I assume the Saucer card came up when you played last.
Ross Geller: No.
Chandler Bing: Hmm, let's see if it comes up this time.


Phoebe Buffay: Ready?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Rachel Green: Hi...
Phoebe Buffay: it's...
Rachel Green: Rachel...
Phoebe Buffay: and...
Rachel Green: Phoebe's...
Phoebe Buffay: please...
Rachel Green: leave...
Phoebe Buffay: leave...
Rachel Green: Wait, I-I just said "leave."
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I know because you have all the good words. What do I get? I get "it's," "and" oh I'm sorry, I have "A." Forget it.
Rachel Green: Phoebe, come on that's silly.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, so let's switch.
Rachel Green: No, I have all of the good words. OK, fine, fine, we can switch.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi...
Rachel Green: Everybody...
Phoebe Buffay: It's...
Rachel Green: Rachel...
Phoebe Buffay: and...
Rachel Green: Phoebe's...
Phoebe Buffay: Please...wait, how did you do that?
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you're no ordinary roommate are you?
Rachel Green: Phoebe, come on can we finish this later? Cause I wanna go running before it gets dark. Oh! Why don't you come with me?!
Phoebe Buffay: Really?
Rachel Green: Yeah, it'll be fun. We'll run in the park. It'll be like our first y'know roommate bonding thing.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, let's go running!
Rachel Green: Yeah and there's really cute guys there.
Phoebe Buffay: Let's run towards them!
Rachel Green: OK!
Phoebe Buffay: All right, wait just one more second. Hi, it's Phoebe and Rachel's. Please leave a message, thanks!
Rachel Green: Now wait a minute. You just took all the words!
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh. You've met your match Rachel Green.
Ross Geller: So, I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and-and-and live forever as a machine.
Chandler Bing: And I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
Monica Geller: Hey!
Monica Geller: Honey, that's a great idea nailing the boxes to the floor!
Chandler Bing: I didn't nail the boxes to the floor.
Monica Geller: Oh, So you can move them!
Chandler Bing: Yes, and while I'm doing that, Ross has a great computer story for you.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey everybody! Uh, I'd like you to meet Janine. She's-she's gonna be my new roommate!
Janine Lecroix: Hi.
Ross Geller: Hi!
Janine Lecroix: Hi
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, she's gonna live with me!
Monica Geller: It's nice to meet you. Janine...?
Janine Lecroix: Lecroix. Janine Lecroix
Joey Tribbiani: I didn't know that! Well, what a pretty last name!
Chandler Bing: So, uh, wh-where ya from?
Janine Lecroix: Australia, I just moved here a couple of weeks ago.
Joey Tribbiani: From the land down under? I didn't know that either!
Ross Geller: So uh, wha-uh, what do you do?
Janine Lecroix: I'm a dancer.
Joey Tribbiani: You're a dancer? She-she's a dancer!
Janine Lecroix: Well, I think I'll go and unpack.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey let me.
Monica Geller: Joey, did you even interview this woman before you asked her to move in?
Joey Tribbiani: Of course I did.
Monica Geller: Uh-huh, what exactly did you ask her?
Joey Tribbiani: "When can you move in?"
Ross Geller: Thank you for bringing her into our lives.
Chandler Bing: Unbelievable
Monica Geller: Oh, so you like her too Chandler?
Chandler Bing: Hey, look at all the boxes!
Joey Tribbiani: Ugh, I cannot wait to ask her out!
Monica Geller: Wait a minute...Joey. Joey you can't ask her out, she's your roommate. It-it'll be way too complicated.
Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah man don't do it. I mean if you date her, then-then-then I can't date her.
Chandler Bing: All right, think about it. Now remember when you were going out with that girl Donna and you guys broke up. Remember how horrible it was when you guys bumped into each other at the supermarket?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh God, yeah.
Chandler Bing: Now imagine you live at the supermarket.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay!
Chandler Bing: No-no
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, Oh, you're right! I don't want that. I can't date her!
Monica Geller: Yeah and you better watch the flirting too, cause you know, in such close quarters, it could be trouble.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, that's gonna be tough Mon. I mean it's hard for me to be around an attractive woman and not flirt.
Monica Geller: Hmm, well you're around me all the time and you don't flirt.
Joey Tribbiani: You a little sad about that sweetheart?
Phoebe Buffay: I have to tie my shoe, so you go ahead, I'll catch up.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Come on! That's not running! Let's go!
Rachel Green: You guys, I'm telling you, when she runs, she looks like a cross between Kermit The Frog and The Six Million Dollar Man.
Ross Geller: Monica had such a crush on him. Yeah, she used to kiss his poster every night before she went to bed.
Rachel Green: Oh! I used to do that too!
Monica Geller: Did you also have his album, It's Not Easy Being Green?
Rachel Green: Aw, Mon...
Monica Geller: So, Phoebe runs weird huh?
Rachel Green: Yeah, yeah and you know what, I know she's gonna wanna run again, I just don't know how to get out of it, I mean, I live with her.
Monica Geller: Why don't you just be straight with her? Tell her the truth.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: You're right, you're right. I should just tell her the truth.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Pheebs, Monica tripped me, I don't think I can ever run again, ever!
Phoebe Buffay: Why? Why would you do that?
Monica Geller: I don't know. Rachel I'm-I'm sorry that I hurt your ankles.
Rachel Green: Ankle.
Monica Geller: We'll see.
Chandler Bing: OK, I'm officially unpacked. Thanks for helping me man. Joe? Well, I guess Joey went home. Oh and look, there's still one box that I have to unpack.
Joey Tribbiani: I Gotcha!!
Chandler Bing: Oh my God! You-almost-gave-me-a-heart-attack.
Joey Tribbiani: Boy, it was so hard not to laugh, I tell ya. Hey, hey, the place looks great!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, not bad right? You know what, Monica's gonna be working late, so I'm gonna make this place spotless. You know what else I'm gonna do, know what else I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go downstairs, I'm gonna get her some flowers. Now who wouldn't wanna live with me?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't! No, I wanna live with the super-hot Australian dancer.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, now how's that going though? Are you okay with the not-flirting thing?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Well, so far yeah. But it's tough you know? I got all this built up flirting energy and I don't know how to get rid of it. How you doin?
Joey Tribbiani: Ohhhh man
Janine Lecroix: Sorry, there's just more room out here.
Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no-no-no, it's-it's uh, you just uh, uh reminded me that uh, I need to do my stretches too.
Janine Lecroix: Why don't you try to do-
Joey Tribbiani:
Janine Lecroix: What's wrong?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh-uh nothing. I-I-I-I didn't want you to touch me cause I'm -I'm all sweaty from the workout. I better hit the shower. Oh my God!
Janine Lecroix: Oh, sorry about that stuff hanging in there. It's just my thongs are too delicate for the dryer.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Oh yeah, uh-huh, it's me. I saw you grab your running shoes this morning and sneak out. You lied so you could run by yourself.
Rachel Green: No, no Phoebe no, I was...no. You know what, I was, I was actually just checking to, see, if I could run. And I can!
Phoebe Buffay: Please Rachel, I am not an idiot.
Rachel Green: No, wait Phoebe.
Ross Geller: Wow, couples who live together do start to look alike. So, Mondler...uh, what uh, what 'cha doin?
Chandler Bing: What does it look like I'm doing? I am cleaning!
Ross Geller: Did you get Monica's authorization to move all of her stuff?
Chandler Bing: Authorization? I don't need that. I'm gonna put everything back.
Ross Geller: Put it back exactly where you found it?
Chandler Bing: Yes I'm gonna put it back exactly where I found it.
Ross Geller: 'Kay, first of all, this attitude is not helping.
Chandler Bing: She's not gonna care if I put her stuff back in the same stupid place.
Ross Geller: Whoa, hello, did you just meet Monica?
Chandler Bing: She is gonna recognize that I did a nice thing and-and, appreciate it.
Ross Geller: Hmm -you know, actually this'll work out well. Cause when you have to move back in with Joey, Joey's hot new roommate can come and live with me.
Chandler Bing: I see, I see, y-y-you're trying to freak me out.
Ross Geller: Look Chandler, Monica is really weird about this kind stuff all right. Believe me, I lived with her for 16 years. She is going to freak...out. Oh my God, she's going to sit on you.
Chandler Bing: No, she's not okay? And I'll prove it to you. I'm gonna call her right now. Phone's done ehh.
Monica Geller: Hi!
Chandler Bing: Hey Mon, how's it going?
Monica Geller: Terrible. If-if I want something done right, I have to do it myself. Other people just wreck stuff. I really think I might kill someone tonight.
Chandler Bing: Oh come on, come on, it can't be that bad.
Monica Geller: It's worse. The only thing that's getting me through is knowing that I'm gonna be seeing you soon. I think I may even try to get out of here early.
Chandler Bing: No! No-no-no-no-no-no. It sounds like they really need you down there.
Monica Geller: Well, are you just hanging out with Ross?
Chandler Bing: It's, all good! Okay bye-bye Mon! She's-she's gonna kill me.
Ross Geller: Yeah, the phone was facing the other way. And that goes back up there.
Chandler Bing: We should start with the big stuff. Y'know? That'll be the easiest. Uh, let's start with the couch. I got it.
Ross Geller: Yeah that-that, doesn't look right.
Chandler Bing: What are you talking about? The couch is perfectly in line with the carpet. And then I can just walk over here and casually just put my feet right up on the... OK, OK, here's what we do, we just uh, move the couch closer to the coffee table.
Ross Geller: Whoa, whoa, but then the back of the couch won't line up with he back of the carpet.
Chandler Bing: OK well here, we'll just move the coffee table closer to the couch.
Ross Geller: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, but then the coffee table won't be centered in the seating area.
Chandler Bing: Yes, but the coffee table doesn't match the...blahebdmsdlkhdyslkd;btyds...Rooosss!!!!
Joey Tribbiani: Look, what am I gonna do? I'm not flirting but still, I'm drawing her to me like - like a moth to a flame! What the hell's going on over here?!?!? Monica's gonna kill you! Look I need your help, I have to do something to-to repel this woman! Wait a minute, wait a minute, you guys repel women all the time.
Ross Geller: Hey, I've been married 3 times
Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no I've seen it happen, you-you get a rapport going with a woman but somehow you manage to kill it. What's your secret?
Ross Geller: Look, we do not repel women OK? That is completely untrue.
Chandler Bing: Oh no, yes we do my man. Remember when we were back in college and we went to that spring dance and you walked right up to that girl you liked and you could not stop talking about the Irish potato famine?
Ross Geller: Yeah, well what about you? You weren't you know, so hot in college either. After everything he said, he'd go "ba dum bum chessh"
Chandler Bing: Yeah, Monica doesn't like that either, Maybe I should stop doing that.
Ross Geller: Oh y'know what, girls don't like it when I start talking about science.
Chandler Bing: That's not specific to girls.
Joey Tribbiani: This is great, this is great, what else, what else?
Ross Geller: Uh, they don't like it when you correct their grammar.
Chandler Bing: And they don't like it when you explain why your jokes are funny.
Ross Geller: They don't like it when you keep asking them if they like you.
Chandler Bing: Man, I'm so lucky I have Monica.
Ross Geller: I'm never gonna find love again.
Rachel Green: Hey Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?
Phoebe Buffay: Sure
Rachel Green: Okay, um, I... All right Phoebe look, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. OK? I handled the situation horribly and I should not have lied to you.
Phoebe Buffay: So, what should you have done?
Rachel Green: Well, I-I should've told you the truth.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-Huh, Which is...?
Rachel Green: Well, y'know, the reason I didn't wanna go running with you is because um, well y'know the way that you run is a little...
Phoebe Buffay: So?
Rachel Green: Well, it's embarrassing. People were looking at us like we were crazy.
Phoebe Buffay: Why do you care?
Rachel Green: Because they're people.
Phoebe Buffay: But people that you don't know and will never see again.
Rachel Green: Yes, but still. They're people...with eyes.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I didn't get embarrassed running next to Miss . But no, okay. No, no, I can see why running with me would be embarrassing to you. Yeah, okay. You're uptight.
Rachel Green: I-I am not uptight-Hey-hey-hey-oh-oh! Listen, I am not uptight, man.
Phoebe Buffay: That's okay Rachel. I'm not judging you; that's just who you are. Me. I'm more free y'know? I run like I did when I was a kid, cause that's the only way it's fun. Y'know, I mean didn't you ever run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off? Y'know, like when you were like running towards the swings or running away from Satan? The neighbor's dog.
Chandler Bing: Okay, is this lamp in the same place?
Ross Geller: Who cares? I repel women.
Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!!! You can't come in here! R-r-r-r-Ross is naked.
Monica Geller: What?!
Ross Geller: What?!
Chandler Bing: I couldn't say that I was naked because she's allowed too see me naked.
Ross Geller: Why does anyone have to be naked?
Monica Geller: Why is Ross naked?
Ross Geller: I-I had to show Chandler something?
Monica Geller: Naked?
Ross Geller: Yeah-yeah I uh, I have a uh, a guy problem.
Monica Geller: Is it the same thing that Chandler had?
Chandler Bing: Look, uh, just come later, we'll get everything squared away and you can come back later.
Monica Geller: Okay, listen, there's still some of Chandler's medicine under the sink in the bathroom. Bye!
Chandler Bing: Bye! Thank God
Ross Geller: Dude, what'd you have?
Chandler Bing: Look, we have no time okay? We must focus. We gotta get everything back into its original place.
Ross Geller: The photo album! There were millions of pictures of the apartment in the photo album. We just go through it and match everything to the pictures.
Chandler Bing: That's perfect! That's brilliant!
Ross Geller: So really, what'd ya have?
Janine Lecroix: Hey Joey, I got some beer for you.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, don't you mean "for whom?"
Janine Lecroix: Sure, listen I was gonna order some pizza, you wanna share one?
Joey Tribbiani: Pizza, heh, its not like I never had that before...ba dum bum cheshhh.
Janine Lecroix: Is there something wrong?
Joey Tribbiani: All right, All right, let's just get this out in the open okay? You're hot. I'm lovable. Clearly there's a vibe going on between us. But, we're roommates and it's a huge mistake for us to continue down this road.
Janine Lecroix: Joey...
Joey Tribbiani: No, no, no, I'm telling ya. Imagine yourself living in a supermarket and you will understand okay? So the question is, what do we do?
Janine Lecroix: Well, I don't think there is anything to do. I mean I think you're really sweet, but I'm just not interested in you like that.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh!
Janine Lecroix: No! I mean you're a really nice guy and I'm happy to be your roommate and your friend, I'm just y'know, I just don't feel that way about you.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on.
Janine Lecroix: I don't think so.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I do. How you doin?
Janine Lecroix: I'm OK
Joey Tribbiani: What?!?!
Janine Lecroix: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh dear God!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: Oh honey, I'm so sorry, you were right, this feels great!
Phoebe Buffay: See? And you don't care if people are staring, it's just for a second cause then you're gone!
Rachel Green: Gone! I mean its amazing Pheebs. I feel so free and so graceful. Hey! Look out for the horse! Sorry!
Monica Geller: Is it okay for me to come in now?
Chandler Bing: Uh-huh
Monica Geller: Why is everything different?
Ross Geller: Bye!
Chandler Bing: No, I don't see anything different other than the fact that the room got so much brighter when you came into it.
Monica Geller: Well, the end table is wrong, The couch looks bizarre and don't even get me started on the refrigerator magnets.
Chandler Bing: Okay look, don't...don't be mad okay? But after I unpacked the boxes I wanted to do something nice for you, so, I-I-I cleaned the apartment. So I moved everything around and then I forgot where it, where it went back and I'm sorry, I'm very sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Monica Geller: It's okay. Chandler, are you afraid of me or something?
Chandler Bing: Do you want me to be afraid of you?
Monica Geller: Of course not. I mean gosh, Chandler what you did, it's, it's a wonderful thing and I really appreciate it. I know I have this weird thing where I want everything to be in the perfect place, but I'd never expect you to worry about that.
Chandler Bing: Really?
Monica Geller: Of course!
Chandler Bing: Oh well you're the best. You come here to me.
Monica Geller: All right, hold on okay? First thing's first. Okay, now did Ross sit anywhere while he was naked?
Ross Geller: So it said that by the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same number of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically we could download our thoughts and our memories into this computer...
Janine Lecroix: ...and live forever as a machine!
Ross Geller: That's so Janine, you-you-you know what, do you know we're doing right now? You and I, we're interfacing.
Janine Lecroix: Yeah, I gotta go.
Chandler Bing: Ba dum bumb cheshhh!


Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hi, my name's Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source?
Joey Tribbiani: Sure, neighbor come on in.
Chandler Bing: So, is Janine around?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, no, she's at dance class.
Chandler Bing: Can I check out what she did to my room?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, but, hey look, don't go through her stuff. She gets really mad.
Chandler Bing: Oh my God. What is th... it's like a guy never lived in here. Look, you've got to be careful. This girl thing is dangerous. It's spreading already.
Joey Tribbiani: It is???
Chandler Bing: Yeah, is this your pretty pink pillow on the couch?
Joey Tribbiani: No.
Chandler Bing: Is that your tiny little box, that's too small to put anything in?
Joey Tribbiani: No.
Chandler Bing: No! Ok, this is not good. You are a guy. Ok? This is a guys place. If you let this go, you're going to be sitting around with your fingers soaking in stuff.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, you're right. I'll talk to her.
Chandler Bing: Yes talk to her. Be a man.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm a man.
Chandler Bing: Defend yourself.
Joey Tribbiani: Hmm.
Monica Geller: Chandler come on. We have to hem the new dust ruffle.
Chandler Bing: Be right there sweetums. A totally different situation.
Monica Geller: Hey guys.
Chandler Bing: Hey, how was your breakfast with Hillary?
Monica Geller: It was okay. She's still kind of depressed because she broke up with her boyfriend.
Chandler Bing: Ohh, yeah.
Ross Geller: Well, is this Hillary your HOT assistant chef Hillary?
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Ross Geller: The one that always stares at me when I come in?
Monica Geller: No, the one who looked at you once because you got in her way.
Ross Geller: Still I could tell. She was into me. Well, why don't you set us up?
Rachel Green: Ohh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress?
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm, uhh, making up flyers trying to get new massage clients. So, can I come to Bloomingdale's and use the copy machine.
Rachel Green: Well, sure, but they might think it's kinda weird considering I don't work there anymore.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God. What happened?
Rachel Green: I-I, got a job at Ralph Lauren.
Phoebe Buffay: Well that's great! Congratulations!!
Rachel Green: Yeah. A year ago..
Phoebe Buffay: You've lasted a whole year. Good for you.
Rachel Green: But, Pheebs, you can still use the copy machine where I actually work. But, just come by at lunch so my boss doesn't see you. Cause Kim will just freak out and she already doesn't like me very much.
Chandler Bing: That's weird. I don't think my boss likes me either.
Monica Geller: I don't think mine likes me either.
Ross Geller: Maybe it's a universal thing?
Joey Tribbiani: Or maybe, it's because you're hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday.
Chandler Bing: Yeah let's head off to work.
Monica Geller: We should go.
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you.
Rachel Green: Sure.
Phoebe Buffay: Now you will not believe this. But, I was in the copy room, making copies, and Ralph Lauren came in.
Rachel Green: Oh my God. Did you talk to him?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah a little. He seems really nice. Good kisser.
Rachel Green: What? What!?! You kissed him?
Phoebe Buffay: Totally.
Rachel Green: Phoebe are you serious?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. I was just in there. He introduced himself and the next thing I know, we're making out. You know.
Rachel Green: Phoebe, I mean, you do know he's married?
Phoebe Buffay: No!
Rachel Green: Phoebe...
Phoebe Buffay: What am I supposed to do? Ask every guy I make out with if he's married? No, yeah, I should.
Janine Lecroix: Hey Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Uh, can I talk to you for a second? This, uh, kid in this picture. Do you, uh, know this kid? Is that like a relative or something?
Janine Lecroix: No, I just thought it was cute.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, that's what I was afraid of.. Okay, uhh...Look Janine I really want you to feel at home here, but some of this new stuff. It's...too girly.
Janine Lecroix: Ohh. Like what?
Joey Tribbiani: Like this. Pictures of cute babies we don't know. We..we can't have that.
Janine Lecroix: Joey, it's Anne Geddes. She's a famous artist.
Joey Tribbiani: Look I don't know this baby. I don't know if she's a famous artist or not. You know, and I don't want to be a jerk but you're changing too much around here.
Janine Lecroix: Well, I'm sorry. I just thought I'd try to make the place a little nicer.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah but it's too much stuff. You know like, you got the candles and the foofy schmoofer thing here and over here you got a picture of a watering can.
Janine Lecroix: Well I just thought...
Joey Tribbiani: I'm sure it's a famous watering can, okay. But, come on...and what is with the really hot stick in the bathroom?
Janine Lecroix: It's a curling iron.
Joey Tribbiani: Ohh, well, that's ok then. But, okay my towels for instance. I come in to the bathroom here and my towel is not on the floor where keep it. It's up here on some hook..and...smells different.
Janine Lecroix: It's clean.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, well, it feels different.
Janine Lecroix: It's dry.
Joey Tribbiani: Alright, I can make my peace with the clean dry towels...Also what is with these chips you bought?
Janine Lecroix: No no no no, it's potpourri. You're supposed to smell it.
Joey Tribbiani: Well that's like summer in a bowl.
Rachel Green: Oh, Kim, Hi.
Kim: Uhh-huh.
Rachel Green: So you know, I...I handed in that marketing report and I never got to hear what you thought.
Kim: I didn't read it.
Rachel Green: Ahh...So...Wow...The spring line, it's really going to be great this year, huh?
Kim: Yeah.
Rachel Green: So I hear the Ralph Lauren fooled around with someone in the copy room.
Kim: Tell me everything.
Ross Geller: Hey guys.
Ross Geller: What's up?
Chandler Bing: You know...Oh My God.
Monica Geller: What happened to your teeth.
Ross Geller: I whitened them.
Chandler Bing: Really.
Ross Geller: Yeah. What do you think.
Monica Geller: Well, I think I shouldn't look directly at them.
Ross Geller: Come on, seriously.
Monica Geller: Ross they're really, really, really white.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, what was wrong with your old...human teeth.
Ross Geller: Ahh, I-I did leave the gel on a little longer then it said to.
Monica Geller: How much longer?
Ross Geller: A-A day.
Monica Geller: Ross you know that tonight is your date with Hillary?
Ross Geller: I know. That's why I did it. Come on, are they really that bad?
Chandler Bing: No, no no no. You'll be fine. Hillary's bind, right?
Monica Geller: She will be after tonight.
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Oh, hey, hey Rach, do you notice anything..ahh...
Rachel Green: Yeah. Your teeth? Yes, I saw them from outside. You guys are never going to believe this. But, Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren.
Chandler Bing: What???
Monica Geller: Oh my god.
Rachel Green: Yeah I know. She ran into him at my office and they just...made out. And the craziest thing is, now my boss likes me because I told her about it and she said it was the best gossip she'd heard all year.
Chandler Bing: I am proud of all my friends today.
Monica Geller: My God, Rachel, I can't believe Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren. Ohh, I'm so jealous.
Chandler Bing: Hi, I'm Chandler. Your live-in boy
Monica Geller: Chandler, please, come on. Look at him.
Chandler Bing: Oh, I am no women, but that is one tasty dish.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Here. Ohh, who's the silver fox?
Rachel Green: That-that is your make out buddy. Don't you recognize him? Oh wait. Ohh, Phoebe I love you. Kiss me please.
Phoebe Buffay: That's not Ralph Lauren. Sounds like him though.
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, no, Ralph doesn't look anything like that guy. He's-he's young and he's got long hair and a beard and a hacky sack.
Rachel Green: Oh My God, Phoebe, that's not Ralph Lauren. That's Kenny the copy guy.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Rachel Green: Oh..Go..Oh..and I told my boss that someone made out with Ralph Lauren. If she finds out that I lied to her, she is going to hate me even more. Phoebe!!
Phoebe Buffay: Why would the copy guy say he was Ralph Lauren?
Rachel Green: To get you to make out with him!!!
Phoebe Buffay: Ohhh.
Monica Geller: Okay, maybe this will make your teeth look less white. Nope. Okay, colors that don't work are blue, yellow, green, red, black, white, orange, and purple.
Ross Geller: I don't know what I'm going to do. That date starts in like an hour.
Monica Geller: Hey Ross, maybe if your skin was lighter. Your teeth wouldn't look so bright.
Ross Geller: Oh great. So all I need to do is get some new skin. Thank you.
Monica Geller: I'm just saying, if we put just a little bit of makeup on you.
Ross Geller: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. We're not 13 anymore.
Monica Geller: Ross this is the only thing left that has a shot at working.
Ross Geller: But, won't she notice I have makeup on?
Monica Geller: Please. Half the guys out there have makeup on.
Ross Geller: What??
Monica Geller: All right, half the people. I mean, just try it and see.
Ross Geller: No. I am not putting on makeup.
Phoebe Buffay: Hello. Oh good. Ross could you put up some of these flyers for me? OH!! Demon!! Demon!!
Monica Geller: Now are drawers will smell nice and we didn't waste these pantyhose.
Chandler Bing: Yes, God forbid we throw out old underwear. You-you know what? I'm going to go over to Joey's.
Monica Geller: Wait, we're supposed to organize the wrapping paper drawer.
Chandler Bing: Yes, but I feel like I've really gotten in touch with my feminine side enough today. You know. In fact I think we're two sachets away from becoming a lesbian couple.
Monica Geller: You know what? This has been kind of a girlie day. You're right, I'm sorry.
Chandler Bing: Nah, Nah, it's okay. I feel like I need to be in guy place. You know, do kind of like a man thing.
Monica Geller: Yeah. Go over to Joey's. Go over to Joey's and drink some beer and hammer up some drywall.
Chandler Bing: You know when guys hang out they don't just drink some beer and hammer up drywall?
Monica Geller: When girls hang out, we don't have pillow fights in our underwear. I'm sorry. We do. We do. I don't know why I said that.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Chandler. Come on in. We're knitting pot holders.
Chandler Bing: No thanks, Josephine.
Chandler Bing: Hey Ross, I was wondering if... Oh my God!! Where are all the men???
Rachel Green: Ohh, hi, Kim.
Kim: Hi Rachel.
Rachel Green: Yeah, remember that thing I told you that happened yesterday? Well it didn't happen.
Kim: You didn't cancel the fabric order from Taiwan?
Rachel Green: Okay, two things didn't happen. Remember I told you that someone made out with Ralph Lauren in the copy room? Well, it turns out that's not true.
Kim: That's not true?
Rachel Green: No.
Kim: Oh that's interesting? Because I checked and only one keycard was used to access the copy machine yesterday during lunch and that keycard belonged to you, Rachel.
Rachel Green: Oh no, no, no. Oh God, you think I made out with him.
Kim: Listen to me. If you think sleeping with Ralph is going to get you my job. You are sadly mistaken.
Rachel Green: I-I don't want your job. I-I don't. Ohh this is such a mistake. I did not make out with him. Nobody made out with him. I did not use my keycard yesterday. I don't even know how to use my keycard.
Kim: Hi Ralph.
Ralph Lauren: Hi Kim.
Kim: Yeah, nothing happen. You could cut the sexual tension in here with a knife.
Hillary: And after that, what could I do except become a chef.
Ross Geller: Mmm-Hmm.
Hillary: And someday soon, I hope to open my own restaurant.
Ross Geller: Mmm.
Hillary: You know, you're a really great listener. Most guys I go out with, they just talk and talk.
Ross Geller: Mm-Hmm.
Hillary: After a while it's like, shut your mouth, you know?
Ross Geller: Hmm-Hmm.
Hillary: I've probably been talking too much. Why don't we talk about you a little bit?
Ross Geller: Mmm-Unmm.
Hillary: Come on. I want to know.
Ross Geller: Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. Okay. I, uh, am from Long Island. I-I came to the city for college. Um, I, um, have a 5 year old son and in my spare time I like to read spy novels. But, but, let's talk more about you. Hmm.
Joey Tribbiani: So what's really neat. If you sear the stems of the flowers first in a frying pan, your arrangement will look fresh much longer.
Monica Geller: Oh my God, Joey, that is such a great tip.
Chandler Bing: Monica, could you excuse us for a second? I need to talk to the girl with the flowers.
Monica Geller: Okay. Oh but Joey, come over later because I'm going to teach you to make a bird feeder out of just a pine cone and some peanut butter.
Joey Tribbiani: Ohh, I love birds.
Chandler Bing: What is the matter with you ?!?
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Chandler Bing: You're arranging flowers! You got dead flowers! You got a picture, a picture, of a baby dressed like flowers! This is not Joey!!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Hey look I am still Joey, okay. Flowers they're just, you know, they're nice to look at. And that happens to be a picture by a famous artist. Of a famous baby.
Chandler Bing: You're turning into a women.
Joey Tribbiani: No I'm not. Why would you say that? That's just mean.
Chandler Bing: Now I've upset you? What did I say?
Joey Tribbiani: It's not what you said. It's the way you said it...Oh My God, I'm a woman!!!
Rachel Green: Now, she thinks that I made out with him and I did it to get her job.
Phoebe Buffay: But why didn't you just tell her the truth.
Rachel Green: I did but she doesn't think anyone would be stupid enough to confuse Kenny the copy guy with Ralph Lauren.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, hey, what if Kenny were the real brains behind the whole company? You know. What if Kenny hired that Ralph Lauren guy to be the pretty front man? Huh, did she ever think of that?
Rachel Green: You were with Kenny today, weren't you?
Phoebe Buffay: Just for a second.
Rachel Green: Ohh, Phoebe, what am I going to do?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, the only thing you can do. Sleep with Ralph Lauren.
Rachel Green: I'm not going to sleep with Ralph Lauren. I mean, I could, but I wouldn't.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, sleep with Kenny.
Rachel Green: That wouldn't help me.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, yes it would.
Hillary: I've had a really good time tonight.
Ross Geller: Mmm.
Hillary: You know, I rarely connect with someone this much on the first date.
Ross Geller: Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. Me, neither. I've had a really good time too, you know.
Hillary: Are you going to eat that bread?
Ross Geller: Ohh, I just like the smell. Mmmm.
Hillary: You make me laugh.
Ross Geller: Hmm-Hmm.
Hillary: Would you like to move over to the couch?
Ross Geller: Mmm-Hmm.
Hillary: Maybe I'll just turn the lights down a little.
Ross Geller: How about all the way.
Hillary: Okay.
Ross Geller: Wow, cool poster. Or should I say groovy poster? So, ahh, where were we?
Hillary: Are those your teeth??
Ross Geller: Ohh, you can see them, huh?
Hillary: Yes. They're insanely white.
Ross Geller: I-I, did that for you.
Hillary: What's a matter with you?
Ross Geller: What's a matter with me? You've got a black light. It's 1999!
Rachel Green: Kim, hi.
Kim: Hi Rachel. Ohh, I've been meaning to ask you. Have you seen the new Ralph Lauren sheets? Ohh, what am I thinking. Of course you have.
Rachel Green: Okay..Okay.. Look. I'm sorry that I lied to you before. You were right. Ralph and I were an item but were not anymore.
Kim: Oh, really?
Rachel Green: Yeah, he dumped me. He said, "Rachel, I can't do this. Even though you are a very, very, very beautiful woman. I can't do this. I'm married and I'm sorry." And then I don't know why but he said, "and you will never get promoted. Especially not above Kim, who is an integral cog in the Ralph Lauren machine."
Kim: You expect me to believe.. Hi Ralph.
Ralph Lauren: Hi Kim.
Kim: Oh my God. He just gave you the coldest look I have ever seen. It's like he hates you. Then it is true.
Rachel Green: Of course it's true and it hurts so bad.
Kim: Ohh honey come here. Ohh it will be ok. We've all been there.
Rachel Green: You and Ralph?
Kim: Kenny the copyboy.
Janine Lecroix: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, uhh, I need to talk to you.
Janine Lecroix: What's the matter? Are you upset?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry but we've got to get rid of all this girlie stuff in here. I, uh, I got to be a man! Okay. The living room has to remain a guy place, okay? That's just the way it has to be.
Janine Lecroix: Well, if that's what you want. I'll just put it all in my room.
Joey Tribbiani: Great...Great...and thanks for being so understanding. I mean, I didn't want to make a big deal out of this, you know. You could, uh, put the picture of the famous baby in my room. I mean, if you want to.
Janine Lecroix: Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: And, uhh, maybe the watering can there.
Janine Lecroix: Sure.
Joey Tribbiani: And a couple of these little tiny boxes.
Janine Lecroix: Joey? Do you want me to put it all in your room?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.