Joey Tribbiani: I'm tellin' ya that girl totally winked at me.
Everyone: Did not, she did not wink at you...
Chandler Bing: Huh.
Ross Geller: I have to say Tupolo Honey by Van Morrison.
Rachel Green: Nooo Way! The most romantic song ever is The Way We Were.
Phoebe Buffay: See, I-I think that one that Elton John wrote for, um, that guy on Who's The Boss.
Rachel Green: What song was that, Pheebs?
Phoebe Buffay: Hold me close, young Tony Dan-za.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi Monica!
Ross Geller: Hey Mon!
Rachel Green: Hey Mon!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, has she slept at all?
Ross Geller: Nope.
Rachel Green: No, it's been three nights in a row.
Ross Geller: Yeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday, but then she found one of Richard's cigar butts out on the terrace, so.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay that explains it. I got a call at two in the morning, but all I could hear was, like, this high squeaky sound, so I thought okay its like a mouse or a opossum. But then I realized where would a mouse or a opossum get the money to make the phone call.
Chandler Bing: Morning.
Joey Tribbiani: Morning, hey, you made pancakes?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do that.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Monica and Rachel had syrup, now I can get my man to cheer up. Good morning Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Good morning.
Chandler Bing: Hey, you know what, here's a thought. Why don't you stay home from work today and just hang out with me.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, I wish. Look, honey, you have that report to finish, and I gotta go see my lawyer.
Chandler Bing: I can not believe that I am going out with someone that is getting divorced. I'm such a grown up.
Janice Litman Goralnik: I-I-I gotta go, I gotta go. Okay, not without a kiss.
Chandler Bing: Well, maybe I won't kiss you, and then you'll have to stay.
Joey Tribbiani: Kiss her! Kiss her!
Janice Litman Goralnik: I'll see you later, sweetie. Bye Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: B-bye Janice. So when ya' dumpin' her.
Chandler Bing: Nope, not this time.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on, quite yankin' me.
Chandler Bing: I'm not yanking you.
Joey Tribbiani: This is Janice.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I know. She makes me happy.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. All right. You look me in the eye and tell me, without blinking, that you're not breaking up with her. No blinking.
Chandler Bing: I'm not breaking up with her!
Monica Geller: God, look what I found in the drain.
Rachel Green: What?!
Monica Geller: It's some of Richard's hair! What do I do with this?
Ross Geller: Getting it away from me would be job one.
Monica Geller: It's weird, but you know what I don't wanna throw this away. I mean this is like all I have left of him, gross, drain hair. Ooh!
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh. Oh. It looks like, like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal.
Monica Geller: God, what is wrong with me.
Ross Geller: You need to get some sleep.
Monica Geller: I need to get some Richard.
Rachel Green: Monica, you broke up with him for a reason.
Monica Geller: I know, I know. I'm just so tired of-of missing him. I'm tired of wondering why hasn't he called. Why hasn't he called!
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe, because you told him not to.
Monica Geller: What are you the memory woman?
Joey Tribbiani: Their not breaking up. Chandler and Janice. Their not breaking up. He didn't blink or anything.
Rachel Green: Well, you know I'm not surprised. I mean have you seen them together, they're really cute.
Joey Tribbiani: Cute! This is Janice! You remember Janice?
Rachel Green: Yes, Joey, I remember, she's annoying, but you know what she's-she's his girlfriend now. I mean what can we do?
Joey Tribbiani: There you go! That's the spirit I'm looking for! What can we do? Huh? All right who's first? Huh? Ross?
Ross Geller: Well I'm thinking that Chandler's our friend and Janice makes him happy, so I say we just all be adult about it and accept her.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, we'll call that Plan B. All right?
Rachel Green: Honey, I was wondering...
Ross Geller: Hmm?
Rachel Green: Do you still have that, um, Navy uniform?
Ross Geller: Nooo, I had to return it to the costume place.
Rachel Green: Hmm.
Ross Geller: I think I have an old band uniform from high school.
Rachel Green: You remember not having sex in high school, right?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Well honey, what about you?
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: I mean do you have any fun, you know, fantasy type things?
Ross Geller: No.
Rachel Green: Come on you gotta have one!
Ross Geller: Nope.
Rachel Green: Ross, you know what...
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: ...if you tell me, I might do it.
Ross Geller: Okay, umm. Did you ever see, um, Return Of The Jedi?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Do you remember the scene with, um, Jabba the Hut? Well Jabba had as, as his prisoner, um, Princess Leia.
Rachel Green: Oooh!
Ross Geller: Princess Leia, was wearing this, um, gold bikini thing. It was pretty cool.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold bikini, every guy our age loved that.
Rachel Green: Really!
Phoebe Buffay: Um, um. It's huge. Yeah, that's the moment, when-when, you know she stopped being a princess, and became, like, a woman, you know.
Rachel Green: Did you ever do the-the Leia thing?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah, um-mm. Oh!
Rachel Green: Really! That-that great huh?
Phoebe Buffay: No it's just that I got this new pager and I have it on vibrate. See ya!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hi you guys!
Ross Geller: Look who I found standing outside of the Szechwan Dragon staring at a parking meter.
Rachel Green: Mon. Hi!
Monica Geller: Hi.
Rachel Green: Why aren't you at work?
Monica Geller: Oh, they-they sent me home.
Rachel Green: Why?
Monica Geller: Because I don't work at the Szechwan Dragon.
Ross Geller: Okay.
Rachel Green: You really, really need to get some sleep, honey.
Monica Geller: I know I do.
Ross Geller: Hi.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Ross Geller: Guess what?
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: They published my paper.
Rachel Green: Oh, really, let me see, let me see.
Phoebe Buffay: Rach, look! Oh, hi! Where is my strong Ross Skywalker to come rescue me. There he is.
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Wheel!
Chandler Bing: Of!
Joey Tribbiani: Fortune! This guy is so stupid. It's Count Rushmore!!
Chandler Bing: You know, you should really go on this show. All right, listen, I got three tickets to the Rangers tonight. What'd ya' say?
Joey Tribbiani: I say, 'I am there!' Cool! Aw, is Ross going to?
Chandler Bing: No, Janice.
Joey Tribbiani: Jan-ice. 'Cause I, just, I feel bad for Ross, you know, we-we always go together, we're like the three hocke-teers.
Chandler Bing: You know, I may be way out on a limb here, but do you, do you, have a problem with Janice?
Joey Tribbiani: No, Yeeees. God, how do I say this. . Oh, hi, you know that girl from the Greek restaurant with the hair ?
Chandler Bing: Ooh, that girl that I hate, eww, drives me crazy, eww, eww, oh!
Joey Tribbiani: Look, I don't hate Janice, she's-she's just a lot to take, you know.
Chandler Bing: Well, there you go.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey. Come on man, don't look at me like that, she used to drive you nuts before too, remember?
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm crazy about her now. I think this could be the real thing. Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! Don't worry, those are the right letters.
Joey Tribbiani: Look, what do you want me to say?
Chandler Bing: I want you to say that you like her!
Joey Tribbiani: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her.
Chandler Bing: Thanks for trying. Oh, and by the way there is no Count Rushmore!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, then-then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?
Ross Geller: How could you have told her?
Rachel Green: Ross, I didn't think it would that big of a deal.
Ross Geller: Oh, she didn't think it would be that big of deal.
Rachel Green: Okay, who are you talking to when you do that?
Ross Geller: Look, that was supposed to be like a private, personal thing between us.
Rachel Green: Okay, Ross, Phoebe is my girlfriend, okay, we tell each other everything. You know, I mean, come on, guys do the same thing, I mean, what about all that locker room stuff.
Ross Geller: That's different, okay. That's like, uh 'Who dated a stripper?' or 'Who did it on the back of the Staton Island Ferry?'.
Rachel Green: Were both of those Joey?
Ross Geller: Yeah. Look, you don't, you don't talk about like, you know, your girlfriend and the intimate stuff you, you do with her.
Rachel Green: Not even with your best friend.
Ross Geller: Noo!
Rachel Green: That is so sad. Your missing out on so much, Ross. I mean, the bonding and the sharing, you know. And-and knowing that someone else is going through the same thing you are.
Ross Geller: Hmph. So what you, you tell each other everything?
Rachel Green: Pretty much.
Ross Geller: Did you talk about the night of five times? Do you tell people about the night of five times?
Rachel Green: Uh, honey, yeah that was with Carol.
Ross Geller: I know, but it's still worth mentioning, I think.
Phoebe Buffay: Relax every muscle in your body. Listen to the plinky-plunky music. Okay, now close you eyes, and think of a happy place. Okay, tell me your happy place.
Monica Geller: Richard's living room, drinking wine.
Phoebe Buffay: All right. No, no, no, not a Richard thing, just put down the glass. And get out!
Monica Geller: I'm sorry, but that's my happy place.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, okay, fine, use my happy place. Okay, I'm just gonna, I have to ask that you don't move anything.
Monica Geller: All right, I'll try not to.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, all right, so, your in a meadow, millions of stars in the sky...
Monica Geller: Do you think breaking up with him was a huge mistake?
Phoebe Buffay: All right, there are no questions in the happy place. Okay, just, the warm breeze, and the moonlight flowing through the trees...
Monica Geller: I'll bet he's totally over me, I'll bet he's fine.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, betting and wagering of any kind, are, I'm sure, not permitted in the happy place. Okay. Just-just, you know, the-the lovely waterfalls, and the, the trickling fountains. And the-the calming sounds of the babbling brook...
Monica Geller: Okay, this isn't working. I'm still awake and now I have to pee.
Janice Litman Goralnik: So, I hear, you hate me!
Joey Tribbiani: I, ah, I never said hate, I was very careful about that.
Janice Litman Goralnik: A little birdie told me something about you wanting to rip your arm off and throw it at me.
Joey Tribbiani: And you got a 'hate' from that?! Your taking a big leap there...
Janice Litman Goralnik: All right, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, We've got to do something about our little situation here Joey. So, this is my idea you and me spending some quality time together.
Joey Tribbiani: But what does that gonna do...
Janice Litman Goralnik: For Chandler!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. I'm in.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Okay. All right. This is what we're gonna call it 'Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!'
Joey Tribbiani: Does it have to be a whole day?
Janice Litman Goralnik: Yes, because that's how long it takes to love me.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I know, I sleep in the next room.
Monica Geller: So, I went down to the post office, and it turns out it was those videos that I ordered for Richard about the Civil War. He loved the Civil War.
Phoebe Buffay: Monica, do you want us to take you home?
Monica Geller: Uh, huh. Or maybe to a galaxy far, far away.
Ross Geller: Women tell each other everything. Did you know that?
Chandler Bing: Umm, yeah.
Ross Geller: No Chandler, everything! Like stuff you like, stuff she likes, technique, stamina, girth...
Chandler Bing: Girth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why, why, why would they do this?
Ross Geller: Rachel says sharing's great and supposedly, you know, we outta be doing it. Do you wanna?
Chandler Bing: We're not gonna talk about girth are we?
Ross Geller: Nooo!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, okay.
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Chandler Bing: Yeah! All right! You go first.
Ross Geller: Okay, okay, I'll go first.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Ross Geller: So, uh, the other night Rachel and I are in bed talking about fantasies, and I happened to describe a particular Star Wars thing...
Chandler Bing: Princess Leia in the gold bikini.
Ross Geller: Yes!
Chandler Bing: I know!
Ross Geller: Yes! Wow, well, that-that was easy. Okay, you-you go.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Ross Geller: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Okay, you know, you know when your in bed, with a woman.
Ross Geller: Hmph.
Chandler Bing: And, ah, you know, your fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place...
Ross Geller: With the belly-button ring? Oh, muhawa!
Chandler Bing: I know, And then all of the sudden your Mom pops into your head. And your like 'Mom, get outta here!' You know, but of course, like, after that you can't possibly think of anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what your doing. So it's kinda like, you're, you know. You know... You don't know!
Ross Geller: Your Mom, your telling me, your telling me, about your Mom, what is the matter with you?
Chandler Bing: You said...
Ross Geller: I said 'share' not 'scare'. Go sit over there! .
Janice Litman Goralnik: We're baack!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: What are you guys doing together?
Janice Litman Goralnik: Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!!!
Chandler Bing: Really.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah. We went to a Mets game, we got Chinese food, and you know, I love this woman. You have got competition buddy.
Janice Litman Goralnik: I just came by to give you a kiss, I have to go pick up the baby, so. I'll see you later sweetheart, you too Chandler.
Chandler Bing: You still can't stand her can you?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry man, I tired, I really did.
Chandler Bing: Well, you know, I appreciate you giving it a shot.
Joey Tribbiani: But, hey, look, you know the good thing is, is that we spent the whole day together and I survived, and what's even more amazing, so did she. It was bat day at Shea Stadium.
Chandler Bing: Well, I guess that's something.
Joey Tribbiani: No man, that's huge! Now, I know I can stand to be around her, which means I get to hang out with you, which is kinda the whole point, anyway.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey, Chandler, we, ah, we stopped by the coffee shop and ran into Ross.
Chandler Bing: Oh God!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I do it too.
Chandler Bing: Really?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, I always picture your Mom when I'm having sex.
Monica Geller: Hi, Dad, what are you doing here?
Jack Geller: Well, it's your mother's bridge night so I thought that I would come into the city for a little Monicuddle. Since when did you start smoking cigars?
Monica Geller: I don't, I just, I just like the smell of them. So, uh, what are you really doing here Dad?
Jack Geller: Well, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.
Monica Geller: What makes you think that I might not be okay?
Jack Geller: I saw Richard.
Monica Geller: Oh.
Jack Geller: So, how are you doing?
Monica Geller: I'm fine, just a little tired, I'm okay. How's Richard doing?
Jack Geller: You don't wanna know.
Monica Geller: No, I really, really do.
Jack Geller: Well, he's doing terrible!
Monica Geller: Really!
Jack Geller: Worse than when he broke up with Barbara.
Monica Geller: You're not just saying that are you?
Jack Geller: No, the man is a mess.
Monica Geller: Was he crying?
Jack Geller: No.
Monica Geller: Well, do you think he was waiting 'til after you left, so he could cry?
Jack Geller: Maybe.
Monica Geller: I think so.
Jack Geller: Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your Mom and me. You know after we graduated college we broke up for a while. It seems her Father, your Grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe, like he did. Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel, because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time. However,
Rachel Green: Okay, here we go. I'm Jabba's prisoner, and you have a really weird look on your face. What? Honey, what is it? Did I get it wrong? Did I get the hair wrong? What? Did you just picture it differently? What? What?
Ross Geller: No, no it's, um, it's not you, um, it's um, it's
Judy Geller: Well what is it? Come on sweetie, your like, freaking me out here.
Ross Geller: I hate Chandler, the bastard ruined my life.


Joey Tribbiani: All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider.
Chandler Bing: Taste it.
Joey Tribbiani: Yep, it's fat. I drank fat!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey, mister tux!
Ross Geller: Why aren't you guys dressed?
Joey Tribbiani: We have a half hour.
Ross Geller: No, four minutes ago you had a half hour, we have to be out the door at twenty to eight.
Joey Tribbiani: Relax Ross, we'll be ready. It only takes us two minutes to get dressed.
Ross Geller: Well, you know, I'd feel a whole lot better if you got dressed now.
Rachel Green: Hey-hey! Oh, look at you, all sexy.
Ross Geller: Really.
Rachel Green: Ooooh! Wow!! Oh, hi.
Ross Geller: Hi.
Rachel Green: How come you didn't come over earlier?
Ross Geller: 'Cause, I'm a stupid, stupid man.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Ross, want some cider?
Ross Geller: No. So, um, let's see your pretty close, huh. Make-up's on, hair's done.
Rachel Green: Yeah, I just have to get dressed.
Ross Geller: Yay! And that takes what? Just six or seven minutes.
Rachel Green: Yeah! Once, I figure out what I'm wearing.
Joey Tribbiani: Glass of fat?
Joey Tribbiani: What's a matter Ross? What you're nervous about your speech?
Ross Geller: No! Do you wanna hear it?
Joey Tribbiani: Am I in it?
Ross Geller: Uh, huh. Yeah, right after I thank everyone for giving money to the museum, I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hello.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa!
Ross Geller: Wow, hello! You look great!
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you! I know, though.
Ross Geller: You see this, this is a person who is ready to go. Phoebe you, oh, you are my star.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, well, you're my lucky penny.
Chandler Bing: All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men. Get up.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Chandler Bing: You're in my seat.
Joey Tribbiani: How is this your seat?
Chandler Bing: 'Cause I was sitting there.
Joey Tribbiani: But then you left.
Chandler Bing: Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom, you knew I was coming back.
Joey Tribbiani: What's the big deal, sit somewhere else.
Chandler Bing: The big deal is I was sitting there last, so, that's my seat.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, actually the last place you were sitting was in there . Soo...
Ross Geller: You guys, you know what, you know what, it doesn't matter, because you both have to go get dressed before the big vain in my head pops. So..
Chandler Bing: All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing, really quickly, it's not a big deal. GET UP!!
Monica Geller: Hi.
Everyone: Hey.
Monica Geller: Ooh, Phoebe, you look great!
Phoebe Buffay: All right all ready.
Monica Geller: Ooh, are you gonna do magic?
Ross Geller: That's, that's funny. Change!
Monica Geller: Hang on a second I just got in.
Ross Geller: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late.
Phoebe Buffay: We could not, would not want to wait.
Ross Geller: Look, our table is down in front, okay, my boss is gonna be there, everyone will see if we arrive after it starts.
Monica Geller: Has somebody been drinking my fat?
Rachel Green: You guys, does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know, you might be the first one.
Monica Geller: Rach, did you check the machine?
Rachel Green: Uh, no. Wait, you know what, this is the outfit that makes my calves look fat. Nevermind.
Chandler Bing: Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It's called Get Up.
Joey Tribbiani: All right! You can have the chair.
Chandler Bing: Really!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my, would you look at that!
Phoebe Buffay: "Hi, it's me, I'm coming over now. Hey, what if I'm already there when your playing this message?" Is that too spooky?
Ross Geller: "Hi Rach, are you there? It's me, pick up. Rachel. Rach!"
Rachel Green: What?!
Ross Geller: Nevermind.
Richard Burke: "Monica, it's Richard. Call me."
Monica Geller: Is-is-is that message old or new? Old or new?! Old or new?!
Ross Geller: It's old, it's definitely old. Didn't you hear the, the double beep?
Monica Geller: What if it's new? I mean, we agreed not to talk again, unless we had something really important to say. Shouldn't I call him back?
Chandler Bing: Honey, you did call him back. 'Cause, it's, it's really old.
Ross Geller: Yeah, see Mon, listen, listen. When Carol and I broke up, I went through the same thing. And you know what I did?
Monica Geller: Huh?
Ross Geller: I...got...dressed. Really, really quickly. Okay, okay. There we go, there we go.
Chandler Bing: You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up, you just sit right there. I just hope, you don't mind, you know, my hand right here. Op, not touching, can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad!
Phoebe Buffay: Ah! Oh my God! You r-r-rotten boys!
Joey Tribbiani: I'm so sorry.
Phoebe Buffay: What am I gonna do?
Ross Geller: No, no, don't, don't, rub it! Don't! What gets out hummus?! What gets out hummus?!
Phoebe Buffay: Monica, Monica, you know what gets out hummus.
Monica Geller: If it is a new message, what is he calling to say?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, thanks. Yeah, I'll try that.
Chandler Bing: Maybe he's calling to say your obsessive and crazy.
Monica Geller: So, should I call him back?
The Guys: Noo! NO!
Chandler Bing: All right, fine, you know what, we'll both sit in the chair. I'm soooo, comfortable.
Joey Tribbiani: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.
Chandler Bing: All right!
Ross Geller: Okay, look, we have nineteen minutes. Okay, Chandler, I want you to go and change! Okay. And then, when you come back, Joey will go change, and he'll have vacated the chair. Okay. Okay.
Chandler Bing: All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's...sitting in a chair!
Rachel Green: Is this a little too... Pheebs, what happened?
Phoebe Buffay: Hummus. I got the hummus.
Rachel Green: Ooooh! Honey, well we'll find you something. Do you wanna wear my black jacket?
Phoebe Buffay: That won't go with this dress though.
Rachel Green: No, you're right. Well, we'll find something. Let's just get you out of that. Come on.
Ross Geller: No, no, no, no, no, no, not out of that, not out of clothes.
Rachel Green: Monica, can Phoebe borrow your green dress?
Monica Geller: I called him.
Everyone: Nooo.
Monica Geller: Yes. Well I got his machine and I left a message. But it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, because you know it was like a casual, breezy message. It was breezy! Oh God, what if it wasn't breezy?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, how could it not be breezy, no, 'cause, you're, you're in such a breezy place.
Monica Geller: Here, I got it. I'll will play my message for you guys, and you can tell me if it's breezy enough.
Joey Tribbiani: Monica, how are you gonna do that?
Monica Geller: I know the code to his answering machine.
Ross Geller: Okay, Mon, I really don't think this is the... Okay, you're dialing, you are dialing.
Richard Burke: "Hi, this is Richard. Please, leave a message at the tone."
Machine: "You have two new messages."
Joey Tribbiani: Wow, what a cool job. 'You have two new messages.' 'Please, pass the pie.'
Monica Geller: "Hi, it's Monica. I'm just checking in 'cause I got this message from you and I didn't know if it was old or new or what. So, I'm just checkin'. So let me know, or don't, whatever. I'm breezy."
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you can't say you're breezy, that, that totally negates the breezy.
Woman's Voice: Hola, it's me, yesterday was really fun. Call me about this weekend, okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Now she sounded breezy.
Monica Geller: He's seeing someone. I can't believe he's seeing someone.
Phoebe Buffay: Monica, you don't know that.
Monica Geller: Well, who's voice was that?
Chandler Bing: Maybe it was his sister's. You know, maybe it was his daughter's.
Monica Geller: Michelle! Of course, it was Michelle! Did it sound like Michelle?
Ross Geller: Oh, great. It's starting to rain, that will make it easy to get a cab.
Monica Geller: It was Michelle. It was definitely Michelle.
Rachel Green: Pheebs, you go with Monica and try on her green dress. If that doesn't work, you can wear my gray silk one. Oh, gosh, what am I wearing?!
Ross Geller: You don't, you don't know what your wearing?
Rachel Green: Well, hon-ey. I'm just trying to look nice for your big night.
Ross Geller: Yeah, which, which we have to leave for in exactly twelve minutes. All right, come on, I'll just pick something out for you.
Chandler Bing: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!"
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Chandler Bing: What are you doing?
Joey Tribbiani: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions.
Chandler Bing: The cushions are the essence of the chair!
Joey Tribbiani: That's right! I'm taking the essence.
Chandler Bing: Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room.
Ross Geller: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty.
Rachel Green: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.
Ross Geller: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.
Rachel Green: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh Rach, good, listen isn't this perfect for me!
Rachel Green: Oh, it's perfect! But not for tonight.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, of course not for tonight. Yeah, hi!
Ross Geller: Not for tonight. Not for tonight! Wh-what, what, what, are you doing?
Rachel Green: No honey, we're sorry, we didn't mean it. I love you. I love you.
Chandler Bing: We used them as pillows when we went camping.
Ross Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: The sheep.
Ross Geller: Hey, what you do on your own time...
Joey Tribbiani: Where's my underwear?!
Ross Geller: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what. You took his underwear?
Chandler Bing: He took my essence!
Ross Geller: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?
Joey Tribbiani: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now.
Ross Geller: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?
Joey Tribbiani: It's a rented tux. Okay. I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.
Chandler Bing: Well, then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give back somebody his cushions.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm gonna do the exact opposite to you.
Chandler Bing: What are you, what are you gonna show me my clothes?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, opposite, is opposite!
Chandler Bing: He's got nothing!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I'm ready.
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel, didn't have anything that I liked, so, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, 'All right, fine I'll be political.'
Chandler Bing: What are you supporting?
Phoebe Buffay: Duh!! Christmas!
Ross Geller: Okay, hey, that's okay with me. Two down and I have exactly twelve minutes... Wha, my watch stopped. My watch. Okay, see, the, the dinosaur tail isn't going around any more. What time is it? It's 7:33, I have seven minutes. I have seven minutes!!
Rachel Green: Okay, Pheebs, quick, what shoes should I wear? The black or the purple?
Ross Geller: Just, just, just pick one!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, okay, okay, the black. But, oh, do you have black, with the little strappys?
Rachel Green: Yeahh, but, but those really go better with pants. Maybe I should wear pants?
Ross Geller: Yeah, pants, what, what an idea. Or better yet, um, how 'bout you go without any pants. Look, I don't know what you're trying to do to me, but just get your butt in there and pick out any shoes that fit your feet, okay. No, no I don't care if they match. I don't care if they make your ankles or your knees or your earlobes look fat. Okay.
Rachel Green: But I...
Ross Geller: No, no, no just do it. Go in there and pick something out so we can go.
Rachel Green: All right.
Ross Geller: Thank you!
Monica Geller: Okay. I gotta call Michelle. I gotta see if that was her voice or not. I'm sorry, I just have to.
Ross Geller: It was, it was her voice.
Chandler Bing: Monica, I think you've gone over to the bad place.
Michelle Burke: Hola! Hello. Hello?
Monica Geller: Okay. That was her right?
Phoebe Buffay: Definitely.
Monica Geller: See there you go. Woo! We're out of the woods. Okay, I'll get dressed now.
Ross Geller: Yay!
Phoebe Buffay: I'll get it, okay. Hi, Monica and Rachel's. Yeah, just a second, can I ask who's calling. Oh, ew, it's Michelle! Ew! She, she must have that Caller Id thing. You should get that.
Monica Geller: Uh, Michelle. Yeah, that was me, I-I dialed your number by mistake. Oh, you're so sweet. Yeah, we were a great couple. I know I really miss him. Well, you know how it is, it's that...
Chandler Bing: You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?
Monica Geller: Michelle, I only beeped in so I could hear my message. I mean that's allowed. Yeah-huh! I mean look, yeah, you know what I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell your Dad about. What do you mean, you're not comfortable with this? Come on we're friends!! That bitch always hated me. I'm calling her back.
Ross Geller: No, no, no, no. Tick, tick, tick, tick.
Monica Geller: Okay, fine.
Chandler Bing: They got a phone in there, right?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, we're on it. We're on it.
Ross Geller: Um. I know it says black tie optional, but, um this may be pushing it a little, um.
Rachel Green: I'm not gonna gooo.
Ross Geller: You're not going to go.
Rachel Green: No, I think I'm gonna catch up on my correspondence.
Ross Geller: How, how, um how can you not be going?
Rachel Green: I'm not gonna gooo, so I think that will accomplish the not going.
Ross Geller: Um, you know, just out of curiosity...
Rachel Green: Well, ever since I was humiliated and yelled at in front of my friends, I'm just, I don't know, not in a museum benefitty kind of mood.
Ross Geller: Right. Right, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled.
Rachel Green: It's fine.
Ross Geller: No, but, your-your mad.
Rachel Green: I'm not mad.
Ross Geller: No.
Rachel Green: I'm just not going.
Ross Geller: Your not going.
Rachel Green: Right.
Ross Geller: Okay. You know that I-I have to go.
Rachel Green: Um, hum.
Ross Geller: Right. So is it gonna be like 'I'm abandoning you while your upset.'
Rachel Green: No.
Ross Geller: No, because your not upset.
Rachel Green: Right.
Ross Geller: About the yelling.
Rachel Green: Right, and the humiliating.
Ross Geller: Oh, well of course, the humiliating. So, so wee, we're okay.
Rachel Green: Um, hum.
Ross Geller: We're good.
Rachel Green: Right.
Ross Geller: Okay. Honey?
Rachel Green: Yes, Ross.
Ross Geller: I love you.
Phoebe Buffay: Get away from that! No! She's just getting dressed.
Chandler Bing: Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.
Chandler Bing: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!!
Joey Tribbiani: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando...
Chandler Bing: Oooo-ooh!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges.
Ross Geller: Okay, okay. Enough, enough with the lunging. No! I'm sick of this. Okay. I've had it up to here with you two! Neither you can come to the party!
Chandler Bing: Jeez, what a baby.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, Ross, way to ruin it. I was just going to get dressed.
Ross Geller: You know what I don't care. The only person I cared about getting dressed, is the one person that says she's not even gonna go. Look Rach, I'm sorry. Okay. Look, I-I wa, I was a jerk. I'm sorry I yelled. I want you there, I need you there. Look, what, what can I do that can show you how much, how much I want you to be there.
Joey Tribbiani: You could drink the fat.
Ross Geller: Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation.
Rachel Green: No, no, no, now wait, wa, wa, waa-it a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That actually, uh, that sounds interesting.
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: I think you should drink the fat.
Joey Tribbiani: Yaaaay!
Ross Geller: Okay, okay. If that is what it takes to show you how much you mean to me, and how much I want you there. Then that's what I'll do.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, wait, let me get you another glass. That's been sitting out.
Ross Geller: I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla milkshake, just a vanilla milkshake, with chicken bits floating in it. Cheers.
Rachel Green: No, no, no, wait! Okay, okay. Don't! I'll go, I'll go!
Ross Geller: You will?!
Rachel Green: You were really gonna do that, weren't you?
Ross Geller: Well, yeah.
Rachel Green: You were gonna drink the fat.
Joey Tribbiani: Let's see what else he'll do!
Ross Geller: How 'bout instead you, go get changed! You, give him back his underwear! I'm gonna go get a cab, and I want everyone down stairs in two minutes! Monica!
Chandler Bing: Stop it. Stop it!
Phoebe Buffay: Ross, went to get a cab so we can all... No, wh-what are you doing! No, Monica, no!
Richard Burke: Hi, this is Richard.
Machine: You have three new messages.
Monica Geller: Not any more!
Machine: Message erased. To record a message begin speaking at the tone.
Monica Geller: Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know. Um, anyway, I, I, I beeped into your machine and I heard a message that, that freaked me out, and um, you know what Michelle will tell you the rest. I, I, um, I'm sorry, okay, I, I hope that we can forget the whole thing. Okay, bye.
Machine: Your outgoing message has now been changed.
Monica Geller: Outgoing! Did that say outgoing?! Not, outgoing!!!
Monica Geller: "Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know." Nooo!!
Phoebe Buffay: How did you do that?
Monica Geller: I don't know!
Machine: Good-bye.
Monica Geller: Noooo!!!!
Ross Geller: Okay, okay, okay, I've got two cabs and no people. Go! Go! Go!
Monica Geller: Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe they could change the message. Maybe they can change his number.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that himself.
Ross Geller: Rachel!! Wow! You, uh, you look, wow!
Rachel Green: And I still have about five seconds to spare. Okay, that was about seven seconds.
Ross Geller: So we're a little late.
Rachel Green: Come on. Oh! And, uh, by the way...
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: I'm going commando, too.
Ross Geller: Awwww!!!
Sherman Whitfield: Dr. Geller, Sherman Whitfield, London Institute.
Ross Geller: Wow! What a pleasure.
Sherman Whitfield: Well, I have to tell you, I was quite impressed with your paper on Pre-Cretaceous fossils. Yeah, it confirmed everything that I have written.
Chandler Bing: Excuse me. Hi.
Sherman Whitfield: Yes?
Chandler Bing: Well, your kind of sitting in my seat.
Sherman Whitfield: What do you mean, your seat?
Chandler Bing: I mean, I was sitting there.
Sherman Whitfield: But, you got up!
Chandler Bing: But, I never left the room!
Sherman Whitfield: But, you left the chair area.
Chandler Bing: All right, that's it, give me your underwear.


Joey Tribbiani: WHOAA!!
Chandler Bing: See Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed.
Monica Geller: Hey, look at me. I'm making jam, been at it since 4 o'clock this morning.
Ross Geller: Where'd you get fruit at four in the morning?
Monica Geller: Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't know you could get it wholesale.
Rachel Green: I didn't know there were docks.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Ross Geller: Aww, is it broken?
Joey Tribbiani: No, I gotta wear this thing for a couple weeks.
Rachel Green: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed?
Joey Tribbiani: Nooo. I had a story all worked out but then Chandler sold me out.
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the socket.
Joey Tribbiani: What is this? Fruit?
Rachel Green: Monica's making jam.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, jam! I love jam! Hey, how come we never have jam at our place?
Chandler Bing: Because the kids need new shoes.
Monica Geller: I'm going into business people. I'm sick and tired of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. What's the opposite of man? Jam. Oh Joey don't! It's way to hot.
Joey Tribbiani: This will just be my batch.
Phoebe Buffay: Um, that's it. No. Hey! You! J. Crew guy. Yeah. Why have you been following me? I mean, all week long everywhere I look there's you.
Guy: You wouldn't return my calls, you sent back my letters...
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Guy: One more chance Ursula, please?
Phoebe Buffay: Oooh. Oh, well this is awkward.
Guy: Wh..
Phoebe Buffay: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.
Guy: Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you're not a dingus.
Guy: I just, I want you to know I didn't used to be like this. Before I meet your sister I was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular phones.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I mean look it's, it's not your fault, you know. I mean this is just what, what she does to guys, okay.
Guy: Well thanks.
Phoebe Buffay: Wait, you know what, I got a little story. When I was in Junior High School I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there was this guidance counselor who said something to me, that I think will help you a lot. He said okay, 'you're not a witch you're just an average student.' See what I'm saying?
Guy: Not really.
Phoebe Buffay: Um, well, get over it. So, I mean you, you just seem to be a really nice guy, you know. Don't be so hard on yourself okay.
Guy: Wait. You're right. I know you're right. And, thanks for being so nice. Here
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, thanks a lot. Do you want to get a cup of coffee?
Guy: Yeah, okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Okay, you don't have to walk behind me any more.
Guy: Sorry.
Rachel Green: Mon?
Ross Geller: Mon?
Rachel Green: 'Gone for more jars. Back later. Monica Geller.'
Ross Geller: Wait a minute, look.
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: Look, look, look.
Rachel Green: What, what, what?
Ross Geller: It's an empty apartment.
Rachel Green: Oooh.
Ross Geller: We're all alone in an empty apartment.
Rachel Green: Honey, come on, I have to be at work in like ten minutes Oh, all right, well it's not like I'm employee of the year or anything.
Ross Geller: There it is.
Rachel Green: Oh, oh, that's what you're talking about. Hey.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Do I look fat?
Chandler Bing: Okay, I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow.
Rachel Green: Okay, walk us through it, honey, walk us through it.
Chandler Bing: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her...
Ross Geller: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You never look. You just answer, it's just a reflex. Do I look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo! Does size matter?
Rachel Green: Nooo!
Ross Geller: And it works both ways.
Chandler Bing: Okay, so you both just know this stuff?
Rachel Green: Well you know, after about thirty or forty fights, you kinda catch on.
Ross Geller: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home from the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at baggage claim. Which do you do?
Chandler Bing: That's easy, baggage claim.
Ross Geller: Wrong! Now you're single. It's actually secret option number three, you meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her.
Chandler Bing: Okay, this is good, this is good. All right listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you know when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how do I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something.
Rachel Green: Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you there, 'cause we're cuddlily sleepers. Okay, I'm late for work.
Ross Geller: Oh.
Rachel Green: All right are you guys gonna come down?
Ross Geller: Uh, yeah, yeah I'll, I'm right behind you.
Rachel Green: Good luck Chandler.
Chandler Bing: Thank you Rachel.
Ross Geller: Bye sweetie.
Rachel Green: Bye hon.
Ross Geller: Okay the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do.
Chandler Bing: Well, I thought you guys were cuddlily sleepers.
Ross Geller: Noo! No, not cuddlily, not me, just her. I'm like you, I need the room. Okay, come here. Okay, you're in bed...
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Ross Geller: I'm gonna use the cushion.
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Okay, you're in bed. She's over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her and roll her back over to her side of the bed. And then you rollll a-way. Hug for her! Roll for you.
Chandler Bing: Okay, the old hug and roll.
Ross Geller: Yep.
Chandler Bing: Okay, one question.
Ross Geller: Shoot.
Chandler Bing: You're pretending the pillow's a girl right?
Joey Tribbiani: Remember when you where a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon?
Rachel Green: You're so pretty.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi!
Everyone: Hey, Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, oh, you know that guy who's been following me? I talked to him today.
Joey Tribbiani: You talked to him. Are you crazy?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second, say it don't spray it. Anyway his name is Malcom, and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but 'cause he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. 'Cause of the restraining order.
Chandler Bing: Umm, not feeling better 'bout Malcom.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh! No, no, no, no, he's not like a kook, no. He's just like this, this very passionate, incredibly romantic guy, that got like a tinsy bit carried away, you know. And we just get along really well, and he's so cute.
Ross Geller: Oh my God, you've got a crush on your sister's stalker.
Phoebe Buffay: No, I'm just gonna help him, you know, get 'de-Ursula-ized', like you know, like I did for Joey after he went out with her.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I didn't stalk her. I mean
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I asked for the news, not the weather.
Monica Geller: Hey guys.
Everyone: Hey Mon.
Monica Geller: Joey, this is for you. It's blackberry curin.
Joey Tribbiani: Aww. Ohh!
Chandler Bing: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked , or, or a big tub of jam.
Joey Tribbiani: Put your hands together.
Monica Geller: Joey, take your time with that. That's my last batch.
Joey Tribbiani: No more jam?!
Rachel Green: Well, what happened to your jam plan?
Monica Geller: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now. Babies.
Chandler Bing: Well, your gonna need much bigger jars.
Ross Geller: What are you talking about?
Monica Geller: I'm talking about me having a baby.
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: Are you serious?
Monica Geller: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.
Ross Geller: Well, aren't you forgetin' something? What, what, what is uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!
Monica Geller: It took me 28 years to find one man that I wanna spend my life with, if I have to wait another 28 years then, I'll be 56 before I can have a baby, and that's just stupid.
Chandler Bing: That, that's what's stupid.
Monica Geller: I don't need an actual man, just a couple of his best swimmers. And there, there are places you can go to get that stuff.
Rachel Green: Down at the docks again?
Janice Litman Goralnik: Night-night Bing-a-ling.
Chandler Bing: Night-night...Janice. 'Look at all that room on her side, you good fit a giant penguin over there. That would be weird though. Okay, hug and roll time. I'm huggin', I'm huggin', your rollin', and...yes! Freedom! Except for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm! Okay, time for the old table cloth trick, one fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick like a cat! And 1...2...3!'
Malcom: Here's my binoculars.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, great. Great. You're doing great, you know real strong. Going strong. Keep going.
Malcom: These are my night vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park. And these are Mad Lips, they're just for fun.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah. What's this?
Malcom: Oh, this is log I kept, recording her every movement. Do you wanna here something from it?
Phoebe Buffay: Um, not even a little bit.
Malcom: It's about you.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay then.
Malcom: I met Phoebe today. She was really nice to me eventhough I'm such a loser. And, then when I was walking home I thought about her a lot, it was weird, but kinda cool.
Phoebe Buffay: Good. So what were you thinking?
Malcom: I was thinking what it would be like to kiss you.
Phoebe Buffay: Really?
Malcom: No.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Malcom: See that's just something I said now, so that maybe I could kiss you.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay.
Chandler Bing: No, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard.
Monica Geller: Okay, sperm donor number 03815, come on down! Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis.
Chandler Bing: You mean there's more than one of us.
Ross Geller: Look, you can't do this Mon. All right, if you do this, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm, I'm gonna...
Monica Geller: You're gonna what?
Ross Geller: I'm gonna tell Mom.
Rachel Green: Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right. I love you, but you're crazy.
Ross Geller: Crazy.
Monica Geller: What?! Why? Why is this crazy? So this isn't the ideal way to something...
Ross Geller: Oh, it's not the ideal way...
Monica Geller: Lips moving, still talking. I mean it may not be ideal, but I'm so ready. No, I-I-I see the way Ben looks at you. It makes me ache, you know?
Joey Tribbiani: Check it out!! Jam crackers!
Monica Geller: Okay, all right, how's this? 27. Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only...boy. Oh my God, under personal comments 'New York Knicks, rule!'
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, the Knicks rule!
Monica Geller: Joey, this is you!
Joey Tribbiani: Let me see. Oh, right.
Rachel Green: When did you go to a sperm bank?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, right after I did that sex study down at NYU. Hey, Remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday?
Chandler Bing: And that's how you bought it?
Joey Tribbiani: Noooo, that's what I was wearing when I donated. I'm kinda surprised there's any of my boys left.
Monica Geller: Well, honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean I've got an actual rocket scientist here.
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe, I should call this place and get them to put my 'Days of Our Lives' on here. You know, juice this puppy up a little.
Phoebe Buffay: Hellooo!
Everyone: Hey.
Ross Geller: How's the maniac?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well he's yummy. We did a little kissin'.
Rachel Green: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, no, no, no, no. You know what, he's not into that stuff anymore. He quit for me.
Rachel Green: Pheebs, this guy has been obsessed with your sister, for God knows how long, okay, you don't just give up something like that.
Phoebe Buffay: Look, he gave me his night vision goggles and everything.
Ross Geller: You're taking the word of a guy who has night vision goggles?
Phoebe Buffay: What, he's not still following her. Do you think he is still following her?
Chandler Bing: Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.
Phoebe Buffay: What are you saying I should do?
Monica Geller: I think, that if you really like this guy, you should just trust him.
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you, Monica.
Joey Tribbiani: Orrr, you could follow him and see where he goes.
Monica Geller: Oh, that's what I would do, forget mine.
Rachel Green: Oh my God, what happened?
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun me...off...the...bed!
Rachel Green: Wow! Spinning that sounds like fun.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, I wish. No, you know he was just trying Ross's Hug and Roll thing.
Rachel Green: Ross's what?
Janice Litman Goralnik: You know what, where he hugs you and kinda rolls you away and... Oh... my...God.
Malcom: Phoebe?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes? Yes! Oh.
Malcom: What are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I was just here looking for, um, my um, my part of an old sandwich. Oh, here it is! Oh.
Malcom: Were you following me?
Phoebe Buffay: Um, perhaps. Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was just afraid that you were still hung up on my sister.
Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh well, what do you know, there goes my identical twin sister. Just walkin' along looking like me. What, is this just like a freakish coincidence, or did you know she takes this train?
Malcom: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. I'm so pathetic.
Phoebe Buffay: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, 'cause your, you know Wow! But um, but I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch.
Malcom: Uh-huh, I don't know.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, just, okay, look I'm going. Um, come on. Op, op, behind the pillar, which way am I gonna go?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Where you going?
Monica Geller: To the bank.
Joey Tribbiani: Sperm or regular?
Monica Geller: Sperm.
Joey Tribbiani: So you're really doing this, huh?
Monica Geller: Oh yeah, picked a guy, 37135.
Joey Tribbiani: Sounds nice.
Monica Geller: 'Fraid so. Brown hair, green eyes...
Joey Tribbiani: No kiddin', hmm.
Monica Geller: What?
Joey Tribbiani: No, I-I figured you would've picked a blond guy.
Monica Geller: Really? Why?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know, I just always pictured you ending up with one of those tall, smart blond guys, name like... Hoyt.
Monica Geller: Hoyt?
Joey Tribbiani: It's a name, yeah. I saw you, you know, in this great house with a big pool.
Monica Geller: Really, is he a swimmer?
Joey Tribbiani: He's got the body for it.
Monica Geller: I like that. What?
Joey Tribbiani: You guys have one of those signs that says 'We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool.', you know.
Monica Geller: We do not have one of those signs.
Joey Tribbiani: Sure you do, it was a gift from me. Oh! And you have these three great kids.
Monica Geller: Two girls and a boy?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!
Monica Geller: And, and, and they wear those little water wings, you know. And they're, they're running around on the deck. Then Hoyt wraps this big towel around all three of them.
Joey Tribbiani: Sure! But hey, you know this way sounds good too.
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh Monica. Wow, this guy's an astronaut. That would've been cool, for like a day. .
Joey Tribbiani: I called the sperm bank today, they haven't sold a single unit of Tribianni. Nobody wants my product. I mean, I-I-I don't get it Maybe if they met me in person.
Rachel Green: Honey, you got a little thing on your...
Joey Tribbiani: Did I get it?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Hello.
Rachel Green: Hello.
Ross Geller: Hey. Uh, Chan, can I uh, can I talk to you for a second?
Chandler Bing: Sure. What's up?
Ross Geller: Just one uh, one additional relationship thought. Probably something your already familiar with, uh, women talk!


Host: Welcome everybody, welcome to Amazing Discoveries!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, oh! It's on again!
Joey Tribbiani: You guys, can we please not watch this all right.
Everyone: Shhhh!
Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you said it Mike. Aw! There's got to be a better way!
Mike: And there is Kevin.
Joey Tribbiani: Can we please turn this off?
Rachel Green: Noo way, Kevin.
Mike: There is a revolutionary new product that guarantees that you'll never have to open up milk cartons again. Meet the Milk Master 2000.
Ross Geller: Are you intrigued?
Chandler Bing: You're flingin'-flangin' right I am!
Mike: Keep in mind, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. Go ahead. This works with any milk carton.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow, it is easy. Now, I can have milk everyday.
Chandler Bing: Well, it's official there are no good movies.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Well, let's go to a bad one and make out.
Monica Geller: Perhaps, you would like me to turn like this, so that you can bunny bump against my back.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hey, man. What's up?
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe you can tell me. My agent would like to know why I didn't show up at the audition I didn't know I had today. The first good thing she gets me in weeks. How could you not give me the message?!
Chandler Bing: Well, I'll tell ya I do enjoy guilt, but, ah, it wasn't me.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, it was! It was him! Uh huh! Okay, it was me!
Joey Tribbiani: How is it you?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, it was just, it was all so crazy, you know. I mean, Chandler was in the closet, counting to 10, and he was up to 7 and I hadn't found a place to hide yet. I-I-I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand. See, all of it.
Joey Tribbiani: Yep, that's my audition.
Monica Geller: See, now this is why I keep notepads everywhere.
Phoebe Buffay: Yep, and that's why we don't invite you to play.
Janice Litman Goralnik: What is the great tragedy here? You go get yourself another appointment.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance.
Phoebe Buffay: That is unfair. I'll call her and tell her it was totally my fault.
Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to agents.
Phoebe Buffay: What a sad little life she must lead. Okay, ooh .
Joey Tribbiani: What, what are you doing? What are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: No, no, no, I know, I know, ooh. 'Hi, this is Katelynn, from Phoebe Buffay's office. Um, is um, Ann there for Phoebe, she'll know what it's about.'
Joey Tribbiani: Hang up, hang up.
Phoebe Buffay: 'Annie! Hi. Listen we got a problem with Joey Tribbiani, apparently he missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? Estelle, no, I don't know what I'm going to do with her. No. All right, so your husband leaves and burns down the apartment, the world does not stop.'
Chandler Bing: Is anybody else scared?
Phoebe Buffay: 'Right, well look, um, if Joey loses this audition, that is it for Estelle. I don't care! Annie you are a doll, what time can you see him?' I need a pen.
Chandler Bing: Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad!
Monica Geller: Oh, now you want a pad.
Ross Geller: There's my boy! Here's my boy! And here's his Barbi What's ah, what's my boy doing with a Barbi?
Carol Willick: He picked it out of the toy store himself, he loves it.
Susan Bunch: He carries it everywhere, it's like a security blanket, but with ski boots and a kicky beret.
Ross Geller: Yeah, it's, it's, it's cute. Why, why, why does he have it, again?
Susan Bunch: So he's got a doll? So what? Unless you're afraid he's gonna grow up and be in show business.
Carol Willick: This doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he is being raised by two women, does it?
Ross Geller: You know what it's fine. If you're okay with the Barbi thing, so am I.
Ross Geller: Give daddy the Barbi! Ben, give, give me the Barbi. Okay, how 'bout, don't you want to play with the monster truck? No. Okay, oh, oh, how about a Dino-soilder?
Rachel Green: Ross, you are so pathetic. Why can't your son just play with his doll?
Monica Geller: I gotta go to work. Has anybody seen my left boob?
Joey Tribbiani: I love that movie.
Monica Geller: There it is. Joey, what are you doing?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry, it just felt nice.
Chandler Bing: Joe. Joe! Answer the phone.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I only got one good arm, you know. You should be doing stuff for me. Go get me a sweater.
Chandler Bing: Just do it! Okay, it's Janice and if I get it I'm going to have to see her tonight. Oh, that's great I'm gonna have to see her tonight.
Rachel Green: What's the big deal? Why don't you wanna see Janice?
Chandler Bing: Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and took my tomatoes.
Ross Geller: And that's bad because..., you hate chicken piccata?
Chandler Bing: Noo.
Ross Geller: You didn't want to share your tomatoes, tomatoes are very important to you.
Chandler Bing: No, it's like all of the sudden, we were this couple. And this alarm started going off in my head 'Run for your life! Get out of the building!'
Rachel Green: Men are unbelievable.
Monica Geller: What is it with you people! I mean, the minute you start to feel something, you have to run away?
Chandler Bing: I know, that, that's why I don't want to go tonight, I'm afraid I'm going to say something stupid.
Monica Geller: Oh, you mean like that guy thing where you act mean and distant until you get us to break up with you.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you know about that?!
Chandler Bing: Look what do I do? I wanna get past this, I don't wanna be afraid of the commitment thing. I wanna go through the tunnel, to the other side!
Ross Geller: Where there is no fear of commitment.
Chandler Bing: Do we have any... Do we have any thoughts here?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I've never been through the tunnel myself, 'cause as I understand it, you're not allowed to go through with more than one girl in the car, right. But, it seems to me it's pretty much like anything else, you know, face your fear. It have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building! If you're afraid of bugs...get a bug. Right. In this case, you have a fear of commitment, so I say you go in there and be the most committed guy there ever was.
Rachel Green: Amazingly, that makes sense.
Chandler Bing: You think?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's your audition from this morning. Can I use the phone again?
Rachel Green: Sure Pheebs, you know, that's what it's there for, emergencies and pretend agents.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on baby, come on!
Phoebe Buffay: 'Hi, I have Phoebe Buffay returning a page. Okay, well, um, she's in her car I'll have to patch you through.'
Rachel Green: Very nice touch.
Phoebe Buffay: 'Okay, go ahead.' Um, hi Annie. Fantastic! You got it. Oh, okay, um, 'Will he work for scale?' you ask me. Well, I don't know about that, except that I do and he will. Great, oh you are such a sweetheart. I would love to have lunch with you, how about we have lunch next... Op, went through a tunnel.
Rachel Green: Unbelievable.
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you so much.
Phoebe Buffay: It was really fun, I mean I've never talked on a car phone before.
Joey Tribbiani: You were amazing, could you just do me this huge favor, you see there's this one other audition that I really, really want, and Estelle couldn't get me in.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I don't know. I mean it was fun one time.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on, please, it'll be just this one more, well actually it's two.
Phoebe Buffay: Two?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Well, well really it's three. Please. You're so good at it. I love you.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I'll do it, but just these three, right
Joey Tribbiani: Nooo, four.
Janice Litman Goralnik: So, how come you wanted to eat in tonight?
Chandler Bing: 'Cause, I wanted to uh, give you this.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Ohhh, are you a puppy! Contact paper! I never really know what to say when someone you're sleeping with gives you contact paper.
Chandler Bing: Well, wait there's, there's more. See the contact paper is to go into your brand new drawer. See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, you didn't have to do this.
Chandler Bing: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because, you're my girlfriend, and that's what girlfriends should, should get.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Well, I gotta buy a vowel. Because, oh my Gawd! Who, would've thought that someday, Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer.
Chandler Bing: Well, not me. But that's what's happened, and, ah, and, and there's more. We should take a trip.
Janice Litman Goralnik: We should?
Chandler Bing: Yep, we're a couple and that's what couples do. And, I wanna meet your parents. We should take a trip with your parents!
Janice Litman Goralnik: I don't think we need to, because you're tripping me out right now! Are you okay?
Chandler Bing: I am, I actually am. I mean this is amazing. My entire life I have feared this place, and now that I'm here it's like what was the big deal. I could probably say 'Let's move in together.' and I'd be okay.
Janice Litman Goralnik: You probably want us to move in together?
Chandler Bing: It doesn't scare me!
Janice Litman Goralnik: Yeah, well, it scares me! I mean I not even divorced yet, Chandler. You know, you just invited me over here for pasta, and all of the sudden you're talking about moving in together. And, and I wasn't even that hungry. You know what, it's getting a little late, and I-I should just, um...
Chandler Bing: Oh, no, no, no, don't go! I've scared ya'! I've said too much! I'm hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love!! Hey, Janice! It's me. Um, yeah, I-I-I just wanna apologize in advance for having chased you down the street.
Rachel Green: Honey, this will help.
Chandler Bing: So, I finally catch up to her and she says this relationship is going to fast and we have to slow down.
Monica Geller: That is never good.
Chandler Bing: Then I got all needy and clingy.
Rachel Green: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Maybe it's not so bad. How did you leave it?
Chandler Bing: She said she'd call me.
Chandler Bing: Oh God.
Monica Geller: Welcome to our side of the tunnel.
Chandler Bing: This ice cream tastes like crap by the way.
Rachel Green: Yeah, well that's that lo-cal, non dairy, soy milk junk. We sort of, we save the real stuff for those really terminal cases.
Monica Geller: You know, when you start get screwed over all the time, you gotta switch to low-fat.
Rachel Green: Yeah, you do.
Chandler Bing: So, you don't think I'm terminal?
Monica Geller: Well, no, not at all, you're not terminal, you just, you just need some damage control.
Chandler Bing: Okay, okay. So, should I call her?
Rachel Green: This is a very critical time right now. If you feel yourself reaching for that phone, then you go shoe shopping, you get your butt in a bubble bath. You want her back you have to start acting aloof.
Monica Geller: She has to know that your not ready.
Rachel Green: Right. So, what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her on purpose. And then act aloof.
Chandler Bing: So I'm not, not gonna lose her?
Rachel Green: Oooh, honey, you're not a total loser.
Chandler Bing: I said, 'So I'm not gonna lose her?'
Rachel Green: Oh.
Ross Geller: Guess who's here. It's the toughest guy in toy land, Ben. 'A real American hero. I'm G.I. Joe!' Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi.
Rachel Green: G.I. Joe? Do you really think he's gonna fall for that?
Joey Tribbiani: G. I. Joe! Cool! Can I play?
Ross Geller: Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas!
Phoebe Buffay: Helloo! Oh!
Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs! There you are!
Phoebe Buffay: No it's not, sorry.
Joey Tribbiani: But Phoebe, wait! Wait! Phoebe. Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, Joey! Oh, okay, see I didn't recognize you wearing, in those...pants.
Joey Tribbiani: Look listen, that TV movie I went in for? Did you hear anything? I think I got a shot at it.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes! They called and you didn't get it! Okay, I mean you didn't get it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Joey Tribbiani: It's okay, these things happen.
Phoebe Buffay: But they shouldn't happen, you know what, you're, you're in a terrible, terrible business. Oh God, I don't wanna be the person who makes your face look like that.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm, I'm okay. See.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, now you're sad and creepy, oh. You know what, I, I'm sorry I quit, okay, I just quit.
Joey Tribbiani: No! No, no you can't quit! You're the best agent I ever had! Look Pheebs, rejection is part being an actor, you can't take it personally.
Phoebe Buffay: Not personal, really, well they said that they never met an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent.
Joey Tribbiani: They actually said that?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Ooh God, there's that face again! See I can't do this job! I...
Joey Tribbiani: No, no, no, see that's why you have to do this job, agents always lie. You know, Estelle just says stuff like 'They went another way', but this, I can use this. I canna work on a new accent.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah okay, no if it helps you okay. Yeah.
Ross Geller: You'll never get me, Joe!!!
Janice Litman Goralnik: No, thank you. Chandler!
Chandler Bing: Hello, Janice.
Janice Litman Goralnik: What are you doing here?
Chandler Bing: Oh, just a bit of shopping. How've you been?
Janice Litman Goralnik: Are you being British?!
Chandler Bing: No. Not anymore.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Why are you shopping here? You don't live in this neighborhood. Were you here waiting for me?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, huh. I'm just uh, you know I'm just picking up some things for a party.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Barley? What kind of party serves barley?
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Where is this party?
Chandler Bing: Here in Chelsea.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Who's party is it?
Chandler Bing: A woman's
Janice Litman Goralnik: What woman?!
Chandler Bing: Chelsea.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Okay, you know, one of two things is happening here. Either you're seeing somebody behind my back, which would make you the biggest jerk on the planet. Or, else you're pretending that you're seeing somebody, which just makes you so pathetic that I could start crying right here in the cereal aisle. So like which of these two guys do you want to be?
Chandler Bing: Can I be that guy?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so we got some more good rejections, lots of stuff to work on.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, shoot.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial.
Joey Tribbiani: I didn't get it?
Phoebe Buffay: No. They said you 'Weren't believable as a human being.' So, you can work on that.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, what else?
Phoebe Buffay: Um, the off-Broadway play people said 'You were pretty but dumb.'
Joey Tribbiani: Oh.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no wait, I'm sorry, that's 'pretty dumb.'
Joey Tribbiani: Look, it's okay, no, no, no, really, look um, I really appreciate this Pheebs, but I think I'm gonna have to go back to Estelle.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, well don't get me wrong, you're a better agent than she is, but at least with her I don't want to blow my pretty dumb brains out.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, no, I understand.
Joey Tribbiani: You do, thanks.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Sorry.
Joey Tribbiani: Wait a minute.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Wait a minute, did you just make up all that stuff just to get out of being my agent.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you caught me. I am so busted.
Joey Tribbiani: That's-ah what I suspected-ah.
Chandler Bing: ...And then I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her, and ran out of the store.
Monica Geller: My God! Chandler, we said be 'aloof' not 'a doof'.
Chandler Bing: I've actually ruined this haven't I? It's time for the good ice cream now, right?
Rachel Green: Yeah, it is.
Monica Geller: You know what, everything's gonna be okay.
Chandler Bing: Hello. Hi, Janice! Can you hold on for a second? Okay. Okay, what do I do?
Rachel Green: Shhh...I don't know what to do, this is totally unprecedented.
Monica Geller: If-if-if we ever did what you did a man would never call.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Hello!
Monica Geller: Oh wait, you know what, I got it, I got it, pretend like you just woke up, okay, that will throw her off. Be sleepy.
Rachel Green: Yes, and grumpy.
Chandler Bing: What are you, stop naming dwarves! Hello, Janice. Hi, I'm so glad that you called, I know I've been acting a really weird lately. And, it's just because I'm crazy about you, and I just got...stupid, and, and scared, and...stupid a couple of more times. I'm sorry. Really?! Really?!
Rachel Green: He's soo lucky, if Janice were a guy, she'd be sleeping with somebody else by now.
Chandler Bing: I love you too.
Monica Geller: Aw, it's soo unfair.
Carol Willick: G. I. Joe. G. I. Joe?!
Ross Geller: Hey, I don't know what to tell you guys that's the doll he chose.
Susan Bunch: What'd you do, dip it in sugar?
Ross Geller: Look, G. I. Joe's in, Barbi's out. And if you guys can't deal with it, that's your 'too bad.'
Monica Geller: What are you being such a weenie for? So he has a Barbi, big deal. You used to dress up like a woman.
Ross Geller: What?
Monica Geller: Well, you used to dress up in Mom's clothes all the time.
Ross Geller: What are you talking about?
Monica Geller: The big hat, the pearls, the little pick handbag.
Ross Geller: Okay, you are totally making this up.
Monica Geller: How can you not remember? You made us call you...Bea.
Ross Geller: Oh God.
Susan Bunch: I've literally never been this happy.
Monica Geller: Wasn't there a little song?
Carol Willick: Oh please God, let there be a song.
Ross Geller: There was no song. There was no song!
Monica Geller: 'I am Bea.'
Ross Geller: Okay.
Monica Geller: 'I drink tea.'
Ross Geller: Okay, that's, that's enough.
Monica Geller: '...Won't you, won't you, won't you... '
Ross Geller: Won't you dance around with me.
Monica Geller: A-ha!!!
Ross Geller: 'I am Bea. I drink tea. Won't you dance around with...' Ohhh!
Monica Geller: Ross!!!


Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey-hey-hey. So what happened? A forest tick you off?
Joey Tribbiani: No. Y'know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail.
Chandler Bing: Yeah!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step.
Chandler Bing: You're building a post office?
Joey Tribbiani: No, an entertainment unit, with a mail cubby built right in. It's a one day job, max.
Chandler Bing: Okay. My word! Those are snug.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah. These are my old work pants, Sergio Valente's.
Joey Tribbiani: Power saw kinda got away from me there.
Rachel Green: Hey Pheebs.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: Any sign of your brother?
Phoebe Buffay: No, but he's always late.
Rachel Green: I thought you only met him once?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I did. I think it sounds y'know big sistery, y'know, 'Frank's always late.'
Rachel Green: Well relax, he'll be here.
Phoebe Buffay: No, I know, I'm just nervous. Y'know it's just y'know Mom's dead, don't talk to my sister, Grandma's been sleeping a lot lately. It's like the last desperate chance to have a family, y'know, kinda thing. You're so sweet to wait with me.
Rachel Green: Well, actually Gunther sent me. You're not allowed to have cups out here, it's a thing.
Chandler Bing: Does anyone else think David Copperfield is cute?
Monica Geller: No, but he told me, he thinks your a fox.
Chandler Bing: All right, Janice, likes him. In fact she likes him so much she put him on her freebie list.
Joey Tribbiani: Her what?
Chandler Bing: Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can't get mad.
Ross Geller: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship. Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities.
Monica Geller: So, Chandler, who's on your list?
Chandler Bing: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit.
Rachel Green: Now, you do realize that she's a cartoon, and way out of your league?
Chandler Bing: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Monica, who would yours be?
Monica Geller: First, I need a boyfriend, then I can have a list.
Joey Tribbiani: It's just a game Mon. Rach, how about you?
Rachel Green: Oh, I don't know, I guess, Chris O'Donnel, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting, and Parker Stevenson.
Ross Geller: Spiderman?
Rachel Green: Hardy Boy.
Chandler Bing: Peter Parker.
Ross Geller: Thank you.
Rachel Green: What about you honey, who would be on your list?
Ross Geller: Well I-I-I, that kind of thing requires some serious thought. First, I'll divide my perspective canidates into catergories...
Chandler Bing: What a geek!
Phoebe Buffay: Everbody this is Frank! This is my half-brother Frank.
Everyone: Oh, hi.
Phoebe Buffay: This is everybody. This is Ross.
Frank Buffay Jr.: How are you?
Ross Geller: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler.
Chandler Bing: Hi.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Hi.
Phoebe Buffay: Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey!
Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: This is Monica.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Whoa!
Phoebe Buffay: And this is Rachel.
Rachel Green: Hi!
Frank Buffay Jr.: Whoa!!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm gonna get coffee.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey, how do you guys get anything done?
Chandler Bing: We don't, really.
Rachel Green: Well, so, now, do you guys have a lot of big plans?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah! Yeah, no, we're gonna connect, y'know bond, and everything.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, I was thinking that maybe we could go down to Time Square and pick up some ninja stars. And, oh, um, my friend Larry, he wants me to take a picture of a hooker.
Chandler Bing: You know, we don't really take advantage of living in the city.
Joey Tribbiani: I know.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get 'ya?
Chandler Bing: No, you didn't get me!! It's an electric drill, you get me, you kill me!!
Joey Tribbiani: Calm down, do you want this unit or not?
Chandler Bing: I do NOT want this unit!!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, you should've told me that before, I'm not a mind reader. Hey, we're out of beer. I'm going to Monica's.
Chandler Bing: Fine!
Monica Geller: Hey! Where 'ya headin' in those pants? 1982?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh Monica, listen, I ah, I saw down at the hardware store, they got those designer tiles on sale. If you ever want to redo the bathroom floor.
Monica Geller: Why, what's wrong with my bathroom floor?
Joey Tribbiani: Nothing. It's just old and dingy, that's all.
Monica Geller: I highly doubt that.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah. If you ah, move your hamper, you see what color the tile used to be. Yeah.
Monica Geller: I can't live like this! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
Joey Tribbiani: Relax. Here hold this . This old stuff just comes right off.
Monica Geller: That's a little more than I wanted to see.
Joey Tribbiani: Aw! Look at that, every inch of this stuff is glued down. It'd take forever to pry this up. You should ah, you should just leave it.
Monica Geller: I can't leave it! You gouged a hole in my dingy floor.
Joey Tribbiani: Eh! There you go.
Monica Geller: You know that's nice, y'know we could put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, ew!
Frank Buffay Jr.: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah I know what I wanted to ask you. Um, can you roll your tongue? Because I can, and my Mom couldn't, and I thought y'know, I figured that was something I got from our Dad.
Frank Buffay Jr.: What, wait, you mean like this?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, yeah. You can do it to.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Your not doing it.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh right, yeah okay, my Mom could, and I can't. We don't have that...
Frank Buffay Jr.: When's your birthday?
Phoebe Buffay: Feburary 16th.
Frank Buffay Jr.: I know a guy who's the 18th.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow, that's close. When's yours?
Frank Buffay Jr.: October 25th.
Phoebe Buffay: That's the same month as Halloween. So, um, what kinda things do you like to do at home?
Frank Buffay Jr.: Melt stuff.
Ross Geller: Okay, I've got three of my five.
Rachel Green: Three of your five, what?
Ross Geller: Celebrities I'm allowed to sleep with.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! You are giving this a lot of thought.
Ross Geller: Yeah, it's hard okay, I only have two spots left.
Chandler Bing: All right, so who do you got it narrowed down to?
Ross Geller: Okay, Elizabeth Hurely...
Chandler Bing: Oooh-hoo, very attractive, forgiving.
Ross Geller: Susan Sarandon.
Chandler Bing: Eh, y'know what, she's to political, she probably wouldn't let you do it, unless you donated four cans of food first.
Ross Geller: And!! Isabella Rosselini.
Chandler Bing: Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah, y'know she's too international, y'know she's never gonna be around.
Rachel Green: So?
Chandler Bing: So, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody who's gonna be in the country like all the time.
Rachel Green: Yeah, 'cause that's why you won't get Isabella Rosselini, geography.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay so, by melting, you meant melting.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: So is it like art?
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, you can melt art. Hey, can I use your phone?
Phoebe Buffay: Um, yeah sure. Why you wanna call your Mom?
Frank Buffay Jr.: No, I wanna melt it.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well um, not right now. Y'know I'm just gonna go to bed, I think the fumes are giving me a headache.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah!
Phoebe Buffay: G'night, bro.
Frank Buffay Jr.: G'night.
Phoebe Buffay: Here. Y'know, just in case.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, excellent.
Monica Geller: What kind of karate is that?
Phoebe Buffay: No kind. He just makes it up.
Monica Geller: So how's it going with you guys?
Phoebe Buffay: So far, it kinda blows. I don't know, I just thought y'know that he'd feel more like a brother y'know, like you and Ross, just like close and connected and...
Monica Geller: Oh honey, we're close now but you-you wouldn't believe the years of-of nugies, and wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies, and... That's where the waistband actually goes over your head.
Phoebe Buffay: Ah!!
Monica Geller: Oh, we used to drive each other crazy playing the shadow game.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, how do you play the shadow game?
Monica Geller: Oh, how do you play the shadow game?
Phoebe Buffay: I just asked you.
Monica Geller: I just asked you.
Phoebe Buffay: I don't have time for this.
Monica Geller: No, that is what the game is.
Phoebe Buffay: Which you just gave up really quickly.
Chandler Bing: Have you seen Joey?
Monica Geller: What's the matter?
Chandler Bing: Oh, just this! Y'know what it's my fault really, because the couch is usually where we keep the varnish.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, does somebody wanna hand me one of those tiles.
Chandler Bing: What's going on?
Monica Geller: He's retiling my floor.
Chandler Bing: Yo!! Spackel boy! Get up!
Monica Geller: Ah-ah-ah, now you started this, you will finish it.
Chandler Bing: He started mine first!
Phoebe Buffay: Build the unit Cinderelly, lay the tile Cinderelly.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Whoa! Big octopus.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. 'Hello. Oh my God, I totally forgot! Well can't someone else do it. But, I have company. Yeah, no look, that's all right I'll come in.' Um, Frank, I'm really sorry but I have to go to work. It's-it's one of my regulars and he's insisting that I do 'um.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey, what kind of work do you do?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! I'm a masseuse. I give people massages and stuff.
Frank Buffay Jr.: You-you work at one of those massage parlors?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, y'know we don't call it that, but yeah!
Frank Buffay Jr.: Wow! That's wild! No, I had no idea.
Phoebe Buffay: All righty. I'll be back in-in a little bit. Unless you wanna come with me?
Frank Buffay Jr.: You mean like watch?
Phoebe Buffay: No, no, you can get one yourself. It'll be on the house! Y'know what are big sisters for?
Frank Buffay Jr.: Well, I don't think this, y'know.
Phoebe Buffay: No, no, no, I wouldn't do you myself, I mean that would be weird. Yeah, no, I'll get one of the other girls to do it. Oh, this will be so much fun! Hey! Are you excited?
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah! Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there?
Monica Geller: It's beautiful! It's like the first bathroom floor there ever was. Whoa! Are you going in there for?
Chandler Bing: What, like a number?
Ross Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hi! Bye!
Ross Geller: Okay, I'm done with my choices, these are final.
Rachel Green: Well, it's about time.
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, very official.
Ross Geller: Oh, yeah, well y'know Chandler printed it up on his computer.
Monica Geller: And who laminated it?
Ross Geller: That would be me.
Rachel Green: All right let me see. Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurely, Michelle Pfieffer, and Dorothy Hammel?
Ross Geller: Hey, it's my list.
Rachel Green: Okay honey, you do realize she only spins like that on ice.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Ow!-Ow!-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Y'know, ow!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!-Hey! What's going on?
Frank Buffay Jr.: She broke my arm.
Girl: He touched my fanny.
Frank Buffay Jr.: No, she touched mine first!
Girl: That's my job!
Frank Buffay Jr.: So wait, what's the deal here, I can have sex with you, but I can't touch you?
Phoebe Buffay: You can't have sex with her!
Girl: What'd you think I was, a hooker?
Frank Buffay Jr.: No, your a masseuse, it's cool, I'm not a cop.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, Jasmine, can you, can you ask Mr. Whiffler if he can wait for like five minutes.
Jasmine: Fine. I don't like you!!
Phoebe Buffay: So that's what you thought I did!! God! That's not what I do!
Frank Buffay Jr.: Wait that's-that's, what that's not what you do?
Phoebe Buffay: Nooo! Why would you think that?
Frank Buffay Jr.: I don't know, I mean, y'know, this is the city y'know, I just, I mean, I don't know.
Phoebe Buffay: Whatever, it's the perfect end to the perfect weekend anyways.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, wait, no your right, no it was perfect and I can't believe that I screwed it up so bad.
Phoebe Buffay: You really thought it was perfect?
Frank Buffay Jr.: Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn't perfect, but y'know it was pretty cool, y'know, 'cause we had all those great talks y'know.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you?
Frank Buffay Jr.: Well y'know about the tongue thing, y'know, and how I told you about my likes and my dislikes...
Phoebe Buffay: I don't...
Frank Buffay Jr.: How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn't melt.
Phoebe Buffay: Right, okay, um-mm.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, y'know I feel like I can really talk to you 'cause y'know you're my sister, y'know.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I guess I do, yeah.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Then I go feel your friend up and make you mad at me.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I-I wasn't hopping mad, y'know.
Frank Buffay Jr.: You hopped a little bit. Yeah, I really sorry.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. All right, this is my favourite part of the weekend, right now, this.
Frank Buffay Jr.: This?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh come on we went, we went to Time Square, we found ninja stars, I almost got arm broken by a hooker...
Phoebe Buffay: She wasn't a hooker.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Well, when I tell my friends about her she will be.
Chandler Bing: Okay, on three. One...Two...
Joey Tribbiani: Why don't we just go on two.
Chandler Bing: Why two?
Joey Tribbiani: Because it's faster.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I coulda counted to three like four times without all this 'two' talk.
Rachel Green: Oh!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, but in the future...
Ross Geller: Okay!! Okay!!
Rachel Green: Come on!
Ross Geller: Heavy thing, not getting lighter!
Chandler Bing: Okay, one...two...
Joey Tribbiani: So we are going on two?
Everyone: All right!!
Chandler Bing: Oh, good job Joe.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow, it's big!
Chandler Bing: Yeah-yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller!
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe, my ruler's wrong.
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe all the rulers are wrong.
Joey Tribbiani: Look it's not that bad. So what, it blocks a little of your door, a little of my door.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, y'know what I got a better idea. How-how 'bout it blocks none of mine door and a lot of yours?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, listen, before I forget that side is still wet.
Rachel Green: Okay sir, um-mm, let see if I got this right. Ah, so this is a half-caf, double tall, easy hazel nut, non-fat, no foam, with whip, extra hot latte, right? Okay, great. You freak.
Ross Geller: Thank you.
Isabella Rosselini: Um, coffee to go, please.
Ross Geller: Isabella Rosselini.
Monica Geller: Are you serious? Oh my God.
Ross Geller: Damn! I can't believe I took her off my list.
Monica Geller: Why? 'Cause otherwise you'd go for it?
Ross Geller: Yeah, maybe.
Rachel Green: Oh-oh, you lie.
Ross Geller: What you don't think I'd go up to her?
Rachel Green: Ross, it took you ten years to finally admit you liked me.
Ross Geller: Yeah, well missy, you better be glad that list is laminated.
Rachel Green: You know what honey, you go ahead, we'll call her an alternate.
Ross Geller: Okay, hold my crawler.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Monica Geller: Rach, are you really gonna let him do this?
Rachel Green: Honey, he's about to go hit on Isabella Rosselini. I'm just sorry we don't got popcorn.
Ross Geller: Hi! Hi, I'm Ross, you don't know me, but I'm a big, big fan of yours. I mean, Blue Velvet, woo-oo hoo! Um, I was wondering if I could um, maybe buy you a cup of coffee? Or maybe reimburse you for that one?
Isabella Rosselini: Aren't you with that girl over there?
Ross Geller: Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but that's okay, see we have an understanding, um, see we each have this list of five famous people, so I'm allowed to sleep with you. No, no, no, it's flattery.
Isabella Rosselini: I'm sorry.
Ross Geller: Oh no, no, no, wait, wait, Isabella. Don't, don't just dismiss this so fast. I mean this is a once in a lifetime opportunity...
Isabella Rosselini: Yeah, for you. Is that the list?
Ross Geller: Um, yeah.
Isabella Rosselini: May I see it?
Ross Geller: Um, no.
Isabella Rosselini: Come on!
Ross Geller: But, okay.
Isabella Rosselini: I'm not on the list!
Ross Geller: Um, see, but that's not the final draft.
Isabella Rosselini: It's laminated!
Ross Geller: Yeah, um, okay see, you were, you were on the list but my friend, Chandler brought up the very good point that you are international, so I bumped you for Wynona Rider, local.
Isabella Rosselini: Y'know it's ironic...
Ross Geller: What?
Isabella Rosselini: ...because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys and yesterday I bumped you for that guy over there.
Ross Geller: We're just gonna be friends.
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know what?
Chandler Bing: Umm?
Joey Tribbiani: I bet 'ya ya I could fit in there.
Chandler Bing: I've got five bucks says you can't.
Joey Tribbiani: Get out your checkbook, mister.
Chandler Bing: Oh, I think I have the cash.
Joey Tribbiani: You are dogged man! I totally fit!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, you got me. I'm out five big ones! Here you go.
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you. Cha-ching! Oh, well hello Mr. Lincoln. Better luck next time buddy. And the drinks are on me!