Mac: Well, if we learned one thing today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that cheerleaders and high explosives don't mix.
C.H.E.E.S.E.: You can say that again Mac.
Mac: Well, I couldn't have done it without you buddy. You're a genius.
C.H.E.E.S.E.: Oh yeah? Well then how come I can't get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00?
Joey Tribbiani: So, what did you guys think?
Monica Geller: Hello? Hold on please. Joey, it's your mom.
Chandler Bing: It's your mommy. It's your mommy.
Ross Geller: Ohhhh...
Rachel Green: That's nice.
Joey Tribbiani: Mom, so what did you think?
Rachel Green: Well that was umm...Okay.
Ross Geller: It wasn't the best.
Chandler Bing: That was one of the worse things ever. And not just on TV.
Monica Geller: Wh-what are we gonna tell him?
Ross Geller: Well, the lighting was okay.
Rachel Green: Ohh no you don't! You got lighting last time, lighting is mine!
Monica Geller: And I have costumes.
Ross Geller: Oh great! That means I'm stuck with, "So, we were watching you in there and you were sittin' right here! Whoa!"
Rachel Green: What are you gonna do Pheebs?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. I don't know. I can't lie to him again. Oh no I-no! I'm just gonna press my breasts up against him.
Chandler Bing: And say nothing?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, yeah that's right.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! Well, my folks really liked it! So what-what did you guys think? It wasn't that good.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says much about you?
Phoebe Buffay: What? You mean behind my back?
Rachel Green: Oh! Hi you guys, oh my God! You'll never gonna believe happened to me today! I am sitting in my office and...
Joey Tribbiani: You guys! You guys! You're not gonna believe what my agent just told me!
Rachel Green: Joey! Kinda in the middle of a story here!
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, sorry. Sorry. You finish, go.
Rachel Green: Okay, so anyway I'm sittin' in my office and guess who walks in.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm gonna be on two TV shows!
Rachel Green: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you weren't finished?
Rachel Green: Yeah! Guess who walks into my office is the end of my story. It was Ralph Lauren! Ralph Lauren walked into my office!
Joey Tribbiani: Uh Rach, if you're gonna start another story, at least let me finish mine.
Rachel Green: It's the same story.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow, it's really long.
Rachel Green: Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that he's so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail.
Monica Geller: Still get a discount on wedding dresses?
Rachel Green: Yeah!
Monica Geller: I'm so happy for you!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, these really are the days of our lives.
Monica Geller: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, since you ask. They want me back on Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh God!
Rachel Green: I got-I get a big pay raise!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh hey!
Joey Tribbiani: I'll be playing Drake Remoray's twin brother, Stryker!
Monica Geller: Oooh!
Rachel Green: I get to hire my own assistant!
Joey Tribbiani: Well-I got a head rush from standing up to fast right there.
Rachel Green: And you were at this job for four years?
Hilda: That's right.
Rachel Green: Okay, well this is all very impressive Hilda, um I just have one last question for you. Uh, how did I do? Was this okay?
Hilda: What?
Rachel Green: I've never interviewed anyone before. I've actually never had anyone work for me before. Although when I was a kid, we did have a maid, but this is-this isn't the same thing.
Hilda: No dear. It's not.
Rachel Green: No. Yeah, and I know that. All right, well thank you so much for coming in it was nice to meet you.
Hilda: Thank you! Good meeting you.
Rachel Green: All right. I'm a total pro!
Man: Hello?
Rachel Green: Wow! H-umm! Hi! Yes, uh I'm sorry the models are actually down the hall.
Man: Actually, I'm here about the assistant job.
Rachel Green: Really?! Okay well then, all right, well just have a seat there. Umm, so what's-what is-what's your name?
Man: Tag Jones.
Rachel Green: Uh-huh, go on.
Tag Jones: That's it. That's my whole name.
Rachel Green: That's your whole name, okay of course it is! Okay, well let's-let's just have a look-see here.
Tag Jones: I know I haven't worked in an office before, and I really don't have a lot of experience, but uh...
Rachel Green: Oh come on, what are you talking about? You've got three years painting houses. Two whole summers at T.G.I. Friday's, come on!
Tag Jones: It's lame, I know. But I'm a goal-oriented person, very eager to learn...
Rachel Green: Okay, hold on just a second. I'm sorry, it's for human resources, everybody has to do it. Could you just stand up please?
Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no. Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Anyway, I should go. Okay, bye.
Monica Geller: Hey sweetie.
Chandler Bing: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering?
Monica Geller: I can't tell you. It's a secret.
Chandler Bing: Secret? Married people aren't supposed to have secrets between one another. We have too much love and respect for one another.
Monica Geller: Awww. But still no.
Chandler Bing: No I'm serious, we should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you.
Monica Geller: Really? Okay, so why don't you tell me what happened to Ross Junior year at Disneyland?
Chandler Bing: Oh no-no, I can't do that.
Monica Geller: If you tell me, I'll tell you what Phoebe said.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Chandler Bing: So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, we're on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.
Monica Geller: Oh my God. He threw up?
Chandler Bing: No, he visited a little town south of throw up. So what was Phoebe's secret?
Monica Geller: Oh, Nancy Thompson from Phoebe's old massage place is getting fired.
Chandler Bing: That's it?! I gave up my Disneyland story for that?
Monica Geller: That's right! You lose sucker!! Please still marry me.
Rachel Green: Chandler, you have an assistant right?
Chandler Bing: Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick!
Rachel Green: No, I-I just don't know how you decide who to hire. I mean I've got it narrowed down to two people. One of them has great references and a lot of experience and then there's this guy...
Chandler Bing: What about him?
Rachel Green: I love him. He's so pretty I wanna cry! I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do.
Phoebe Buffay: Come on you know what to do! You hire the first one! You don't hire an assistant because they're cute, you hire them because they're qualified.
Rachel Green: Uh-huh. No, I hear what you're saying and-and-and that makes a lot of sense but can I just say one more thing? Look how pretty!
Phoebe Buffay: Let's see. Oh my God! Oh... But no! No! You can't-you can't hire him, because that-it's not professional. Umm, this is for me yes? Thanks.
Rachel Green: Okay you're right. I'll hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb old perfect for the job Hilda!
Chandler Bing: Let me see this guy. W-H-Wow! Don't show this to Monica! And don't tell her about the W-H-Wow!
Terry: Hey-hey-hey Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Terry!
Terry: Good to see you again!
Joey Tribbiani: It's been a while, huh? Wow, it's funny these halls look smaller then they used to.
Terry: It's a different building.
Joey Tribbiani: So! Stryker Remoray huh? When do you want me to start?
Terry: Why don't we start right now!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Terry: Here are the audition scenes.
Joey Tribbiani: Audition? I thought you were gonna offer me the part.
Terry: Why would you think that?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I was Dr. Drake Remoray, Stryker's twin brother. I mean, who looks more me than me right?
Terry: Everybody has to audition.
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know Terry, I-I don't really need to do this. I got my own cable TV series, with a robot.
Terry: I'm sorry Joey that's...that's the way it is.
Joey Tribbiani: Well. I guess you think you're pretty special huh? Sittin' up here in your fancy small hall building. Makin' stars jump through hoops for ya, huh? Well y'know what? This is one star who's hoop... This is a star that the hoop-this hoop-I was Dr. Drake Remoray!
Rachel Green: Hi! Tag. What are you doing here?
Tag Jones: I just wanted to come by and thank you for not laughing in my face yesterday. And I noticed there aren't any plants in your office so I wanted to bring you your first... There is a plant in your office.
Rachel Green: Kinda.
Tag Jones: Right. So I guess I shouldn't put good at noticing stuff on my resume.
Rachel Green: Oh-ohh, thank you.
Tag Jones: Anyway, I'm guessing you hired somebody.
Rachel Green: Well...
Tag Jones: Gotcha. Thanks again for meeting with me.
Rachel Green: But I hired you!
Tag Jones: What?
Rachel Green: Yeah! You-you got the job! You're my new assistant!
Tag Jones: I am?!
Rachel Green: Yeah!
Tag Jones: I can't believe it!
Rachel Green: Me either. Umm, all right, first thing I need you to do is go downstairs and find a women named Hilda and tell her to go home.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey! Good, you're home!
Chandler Bing: Oh it's always nicer to here than, "Aw crap! You again!"
Monica Geller: Hey baby.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Monica Geller: I made you a surprise.
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah?
Monica Geller: Yeah, tacos! Ever since you told me that story I've had such a craving for them.
Chandler Bing: Did you not understand the story?
Ross Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey! What's up?
Monica Geller: Ross!
Ross Geller: Oh, nothin' much. Just trying to figure out what I'm gonna do for dinner.
Chandler Bing: Huh.
Ross Geller: Hey-Ooh! What's-what's that, dinner stuff? You making dinner?
Chandler Bing: No! Shhh!
Ross Geller: What you got over there? Tacos?
Monica Geller: No! No. They're umm... They're just uh...ground beef smileys.
Ross Geller: Uhh, those are tacos.
Monica Geller: Excuse me Mr. Mexico.
Ross Geller: Eh, either way I'll pass. I still can't eat those. What's so funny?!
Monica Geller: I'm not laughing.
Ross Geller: You told her!
Chandler Bing: Nancy Thompson's getting fired!
Ross Geller: Look, okay-okay I had food poisoning! It's not like I choose to do it! It's not like-It's not like I said, "Umm, what would make this ride more fun?!"
Monica Geller: You're right. I mean I'm sorry. Yeah, I shouldn't be laughing. I should be laying down papers for you!
Ross Geller: How could you tell her?!
Chandler Bing: I had too okay?! We're getting married! Married couples can't keep secrets from one another!
Ross Geller: Oh really? Well I-I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Chandler Bing: Du-ude!
Monica Geller: What happened in Atlantic City?!
Ross Geller: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar...
Chandler Bing: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude?!"
Ross Geller: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after awhile he-he goes over to her and uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking, Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and you're right, Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with...girls.
Monica Geller: You kissed a guy?!! Oh my God.
Chandler Bing: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
Ross Geller: Oh Mon, I laughed so hard...
Chandler Bing: Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?
Ross Geller: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
Rachel Green: Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey-Ooh, how's Hilda? Is she working out?
Rachel Green: Ohh, my new assistant is working out, yes.
Joey Tribbiani: Was she happy you gave her the job?
Rachel Green: Oh, my-my new assistant has very happy that I hired my new assistant.
Joey Tribbiani: Hello? Oh hey! Can you, can you hang on a second? It's the producers over at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. can you excuse me for a minute? Hey, funny you should call. I was just looking over next week's script. Canceled?! Like they're taking it off the air? Ohh. All right, see you Monday. We're not even shootin' them anymore?!! All right, bye! They canceled Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E!
Phoebe Buffay: Sorry.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Why would they do that?! It was a good show right?!
Chandler Bing: You wanna tell secrets?! Okay! Okay! In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!
Ross Geller: All right! All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won!
Chandler Bing: Ross came in forth and cried!
Monica Geller: Oh my God!
Ross Geller: Oh, is that funny?! Oh, you-you find that funny?! Well maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets too!
Monica Geller: I-I already told him everything! You shush!!
Ross Geller: Once Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box she'd made.
Monica Geller: Ross used to stay up every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls!
Ross Geller: Monica couldn't tell time 'til she was 13!
Monica Geller: It's hard for some people!
Chandler Bing: Of course it is. Wow-whoa!
Monica Geller: Chandler one time wore my underwear to work!
Chandler Bing: Hey!!!
Monica Geller: Ohh, I'm sorry I couldn't think of anymore for Ross!
Ross Geller: Ohh! Ohh! In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!
Chandler Bing: That was you!
Ross Geller: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
Joey Tribbiani: How could this happen to me?! Yesterday I had two TV shows! Today, I got nothin'!
Rachel Green: Well wait a minute, what happened to Days of Our Lives?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, well they might be a little mad at me over there.
Phoebe Buffay: What happened?
Joey Tribbiani: Well maybe I got a little upset and maybe I told them where they could go.
Rachel Green: Joey, why would you do that?
Joey Tribbiani: Because they wanted me to audition!
Phoebe Buffay: You! An actor?! That's madness!
Tag Jones: Rachel Green's office.
Rachel Green: Tag? Hi, who was that?
Tag Jones: Nobody. I was just practicing.
Rachel Green: Really?
Phoebe Buffay: Hi!
Tag Jones: Hi! Rachel Green's office.
Phoebe Buffay: You must be Hilda.
Rachel Green: Yeah, this is Tag. Tag, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, can I see you for a second?
Tag Jones: Phoebe! That's a great name.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you like that? You should hear my phone number.
Rachel Green: Okay. We'll be right back.
Phoebe Buffay: So you hired yourself a little treat did ya?
Rachel Green: All right I know, I know how it looks Pheebs, but I'm telling you...
Phoebe Buffay: But-but you know you cannot get involved with your assistant.
Rachel Green: Yes, I know that. I know that. And I know that hiring him was probably not the smartest thing that I've ever done. But I'm telling you, from this moment on I swear this is strictly professional. Yes?
Kathy: Hey Rachel!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Kathy: Cute assistant! What's his story? Is he...
Rachel Green: Gay? Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Terry.
Terry: Joey Tribbiani! I'm surprised your big head could fit through our small halls! I gotta go Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Wait! Terry! Wait-Look-Wait I-I... Look, I'm really sorry about before. I was an idiot thinking I'm too big to audition for you. You gotta give me another chance.
Terry: I can't help you Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Wait! Terry! Please! Look, I just lost my other job. Okay? You have no idea how much I need this. Please, help me out, for old times sake.
Nurse #1: This poor guy's been in a coma for five years. It's hopeless.
Nurse #2: It's not hopeless! Dr. Stryker Remoray's a miracle worker. Look, here he comes.
Dr. Stryker Remoray: Good morning. Drake, it's your brother Stryker. Can you hear me?
The Director: And cut!
Joey Tribbiani: I'm back baby! Ha-ha-ha!
Monica Geller: Y'know, in my defense, umm there was no glitter on the macaroni and very little glue.
Ross Geller: And in my defense, the cleaning lady came on to me!
Chandler Bing: You have no trouble telling time now right?
Monica Geller: No!
Chandler Bing: Quick! What time is it?!
Monica Geller: I don't know! Time to kiss a guy maybe?! What are you laughing at Pampers?
Chandler Bing: Y'know when I said that because we're getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets?
Monica Geller: Yeah?
Chandler Bing: Yeah that was stupid. Let's not do that.
Monica Geller: Ohh, absolutely.
Ross Geller: And! We should keep all the stuff uh, we told each other secret from everybody else.
Monica Geller: Yeah, definitely!
Ross Geller: Okay, if you'll excuse me, I-I'm gonna go hang out with some people who don't know the Space Mountain story.
Monica Geller: Then, I'd steer clear of Phoebe.
Ross Geller: Man!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldn't hang out with...all the guys in my office.
Rachel Green: Hi!
Tag Jones: Do you have a minute?
Rachel Green: Well yeah, sure, what's up?
Tag Jones: I got asked out twice today when I was at lunch...by guys.
Rachel Green: Oh really?!
Tag Jones: Yeah. Did you tell someone that I was gay?
Rachel Green: Oh, did you not want people to know that?
Tag Jones: But I'm not gay. And I especially wouldn't want you to think I was gay.
Rachel Green: Why's that?
Tag Jones: I don't think I should say.
Rachel Green: Ohh, you can say. Come on, I don't want you to feel like you can't tell me things.
Tag Jones: Okay.
Rachel Green: 'Kay.
Tag Jones: Well...
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Tag Jones: I'd love to ask out your friend Phoebe.
Rachel Green: Yeah, she's gay.


Chandler Bing: Hey.
Monica Geller: What's the matter?
Chandler Bing: Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh Willie's still alive!
Chandler Bing: What are you guys doing?
Monica Geller: Oh, my mom called, they're gonna run our engagement announcement in the local paper, so we're looking for a good picture of us.
Chandler Bing: Oooh, I'm afraid that does not exist.
Monica Geller: That's not true, there are great pictures of us!
Chandler Bing: No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who's going like this...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! That's the creep that you're with at the Statue of Liberty.
Chandler Bing: I don't know what it is, I just can't take a good picture.
Monica Geller: Oh, here's a great one.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I'm not in that.
Monica Geller: I know, but look at me all tan.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, why don't you guys go, get portraits done by a professional photographer.
Monica Geller: That's a good idea! I bet they have one of those wind machines! Y'know...
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah that's great! Next to that, Chandler won't look so stupid.
Monica Geller: Chandler what do you say?
Chandler Bing: All right, but I should warn you, I'm not going. I'm going.
Ross Geller: Dude, that reverse lay-up! Oh...
Chandler Bing: How about those three pointers?
Ross Geller: Amazing!
Chandler Bing: And those guys were this close to lettin' us play this time too.
Rachel Green: Hey look-look, Phoebe's talking to uh, Cute Coffeehouse Guy.
Ross Geller: Oh, you guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy, we call him Hums While He Pees.
Chandler Bing: Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The Bathroom.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey you guys, Hums While He Pees just asked me out!
Rachel Green: Hey, I thought that guy was married.
Phoebe Buffay: He is! But he's getting divorced-Ross! Maybe you know him.
Ross Geller: It's not a club.
Rachel Green: Phoebe, if this guy's going through a divorce, is it such a good idea to start going out with him?
Ross Geller: Hey, divorced men are not bad men!
Chandler Bing: They have that on the napkins at the club.
Rachel Green: Oh, I gotta get back to work.
Phoebe Buffay: You don't have to be back for a half-hour!
Rachel Green: Yeah but, my assistant Tag does sit-ups in the office during lunch. Ohh! I could just spread him on a cracker.
Chandler Bing: Rach, if you have a crush on this guy, why would you hire him? I mean y'know you can't date him right?
Rachel Green: Oh no, I know that. I know that. Although, we made a joke that we spend so much time together he should call me his work wife.
Ross Geller: Soon he'll be able to call you, that lady he knew who got fired.
Rachel Green: I am not gonna get fired, because I'm not gonna act on it.
Phoebe Buffay: So you wouldn't mind if he was dating someone else?
Rachel Green: Why? Is he? He is! Isn't he? He's dating that slut in marketing!
Ross Geller: Maybe I should open a divorced men's club.
Chandler Bing: Dude that is so sad.
Ross Geller: I could put uh-uh a basketball court in the back.
Chandler Bing: Could I play?
Rachel Green: Oh, no sit-ups today Tag?
Tag Jones: I just did them.
Rachel Green: Oh, well drop and give me ten more!
Tag Jones: What?
Rachel Green: Uh, I-I had a drink with lunch. Did those cost reports come in?
Tag Jones: Yeah, I filled them out last night?
Rachel Green: Oh, great could you make me four copies of those?
Melissa Warburton: Hey Rachel!
Rachel Green: Ahh, hi! Hi! Melissa, what's up? I'm just uh, about to umm, go out to the store to get some stuff to put in my backpack. Y'know, like dried fruit and granola and stuff. What's up?
Melissa Warburton: Umm, is Tag here?
Rachel Green: No. Why?
Melissa Warburton: Oh, I was gonna talk to him about doing something tonight.
Rachel Green: Really?! Got a little crush on Tag there do ya?
Melissa Warburton: Well, we've been flirting back and forth, but I was hoping that tonight it would turn into something a little more than that.
Rachel Green: Okay, whoa-whoa easy there Melissa! This ain't a locker room, okay? But, y'know I remember him saying that-that he had plans tonight.
Melissa Warburton: Oh no!
Rachel Green: Oh yeah. All right, back to work.
Melissa Warburton: Hey! Isn't that Tag's backpack.
Rachel Green: Yeah Melissa, I don't want to be known as the uh, office bitch, but I will call your supervisor.
The Photographer: Great! That's great Monica! Great! Now, Chandler, you want to give us a smile?
Chandler Bing: Okay.
The Photographer: I'm sorry, is the seat uncomfortable?
Chandler Bing: No, I am.
Monica Geller: Chandler, listen to me sweetie, I know you can do this. Okay? You have a beautiful smile.
Chandler Bing: I do?
Monica Geller: Yeah! All right, maybe you don't have to smile. Let's try something else. Let's try umm, try looking sexy.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: Or not.
Rachel Green: Hi Joey! What are you doing here?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, well I've got an audition down the street and I spilled sauce all over the front of my shirt. You got an extra one?
Rachel Green: Yeah, sure. Umm...here.
Joey Tribbiani: Great. You got anything that's not Ralph Lauren?
Rachel Green: Yeah, I don't think so Joe.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, I guess this will be fine.
Rachel Green: Hey, listen umm, what-what are you doing tonight?
Joey Tribbiani: Nothing, why?
Rachel Green: How would you feel about taking out my assistant Tag? I'll pay.
Joey Tribbiani: Huh, Rach I got to say it's gonna take a lot of money for me to go out on a date with a dude.
Rachel Green: I'm not asking you to go on a date with him!
Joey Tribbiani: Really? 'Cause I could kinda use the money.
Rachel Green: Joey, just-just he-he's new in town and I know he doesn't have any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. I'll really appreciate it.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, okay.
Rachel Green: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: Sure, no problem. Ooh-Hey, donuts!
Rachel Green: Yeah!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Monica Geller: I know. Let's try a look...of far off...wonderment. Okay, we'll-we'll gaze into our future and we'll think about our marriage and the days to come. Chandler! What is the matter with your face?! I mean this picture is supposed to say "Geller and Bing to be married," not "Local woman saves drowning moron!" Hey! Don't laugh at him! He's my drowning moron!
Chandler Bing: Aww!
Monica Geller: That's it! Take it! Take it! Take it!
Ross Geller: I like this one. It seems to say, "I love you and that's why I have to kill you."
Monica Geller: They can't all be bad. Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes. Ohh, there it is.
Chandler Bing: Oh my God! Those are my bedroom eyes?! Why did you ever sleep with me?
Monica Geller: Do you really want to pull at that thread?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm having a really good time!
The Cute Guy: Me too! I'm sorry that guy in the subway licked your neck.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh. No that's okay, he's a friend.
The Cute Guy: Hey uh, I don't mean to be presumptuous but I have these two tickets to the ballroom dancing finals tomorrow night if you want to go?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I... Well y'know I-I mean I missed the-the semi-finals, so I'd just be lost.
The Cute Guy: I know it's really lame, but I got these tickets from my boss and-Oh no! No! No! My God!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, don't freak out. I'll go.
The Cute Guy: No it's... Uh, my ex-wife Whitney is out there. I cannot deal with her right now. That woman is crazy!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I know. Hold on. Hey Ross?
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, umm that's Whitney , Kyle's ex-wife out there, now do you think that you can y'know divert her so that we can slip out?
Ross Geller: What?! No!
Phoebe Buffay: Well okay but I have two tickets to the ballroom dance finals.
Ross Geller: Look, I don't think so Pheebs. All right, I'll do it. But just because you're a friend.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi Ginger.
Ross Geller: All right! I want my key back!
Phoebe Buffay: I don't have it!
Ross Geller: It's right there!
Phoebe Buffay: Ugh, okay Sherlock!
Ross Geller: Look, I'm sorry but you-you-you better go Pheebs.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, well I just wanted to say thank you though for diverting Kyle's ex.
Ross Geller: Oh yeah-No-You're welcome. We'll talk about it later.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Ross Geller: Hi Whitney.
Whitney: Hi Ross! You ready for breakfast?
Ross Geller: Yep. Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Kyle's ex-wife? You were supposed to divert her not date her!
Ross Geller: Hi! I'm sorry, but can you give me a second while I talk to this woman, who by the way did not spend the night.
Whitney: Sure.
Ross Geller: Okay. I did divert her and we ended up having a great time! Okay?
Phoebe Buffay: Watching ballroom dancing?
Ross Geller: Yes! That's where we realized we were both super cool people!
Phoebe Buffay: Well look-look, okay Ross, Kyle just told me some really bad stuff about her.
Ross Geller: Like what?
Phoebe Buffay: Like she's really mean, and she's over critical, and-and-No! She will paint a room a really bright color without even checking with you!
Ross Geller: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: And! She uses sex as a weapon!
Ross Geller: Fine! Thank you for warning me. At breakfast I'll be on full alert for room painting and sex weapons.
Phoebe Buffay: You're still gonna go out with her?!
Ross Geller: Yeah!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, didn't you just hear what I said?!
Ross Geller: Pheebs come on! I mean, consider the source! Of course her ex-husband's gonna say that stuff. Now, if you'll excuse me...
Phoebe Buffay: No listen to me! She is crazy!
Whitney: Uh, your door isn't sound proof.
Phoebe Buffay: You see? Nothing is good enough for her!
Tag Jones: Good morning.
Rachel Green: Hi Tag! Hey, so did you have fun with uh, with Joey last night?
Tag Jones: Oh yeah! We went to the Knicks game.
Rachel Green: Ohh that's nice.
Tag Jones: Then we went to this bar and he hooked us up with all these women!
Rachel Green: Wo-women? You mean like old women?
Tag Jones: Well kinda old, like 30.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Tag Jones: And I never used to be able to just talk to girls in bars, but I got like 20 phone numbers last night.
Rachel Green: That's great! Wow man, so Joey must've really taught you some stuff huh?
Tag Jones: A little.
Rachel Green: Yeah?
Tag Jones: How you doin'?
Joey Tribbiani: See? That's a great smile! Easy. Natural. Now, pretend I have a camera. You're changing it!
Chandler Bing: I can't help it!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, all right, all right, all right, you wanna know what I do when I take resume shots?
Chandler Bing: Borrow money from me?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, first-first of all, you want to make it look spontaneous. I look down , look down, keep looking down; then I look up. See? All right, now you try. Look down , you're looking down, keep looking down...
Chandler Bing: Why is there jelly on your shoe?
Joey Tribbiani: I had a donut.
Rachel Green: Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Rachel Green: So uh, heard you had some fun with Tag last night.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! That guy's all right!
Rachel Green: Yeah and you had fun teaching him how to be all Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Rachel Green: Y'know, all the women.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey well, you can't teach someone to be good with women. Y'know, that's why I never had any luck with Chandler.
Chandler Bing: I'm right here!
Rachel Green: All right, would-would you mind just not going out with him again? Okay, just the idea of you and he and all these women, it's just-And I know he's my assistant and I can't date him-but it just bothers me, all right?!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! No-no-no-no, you can't take him away from me! I got a great partner to pick up girls with! Finally!!
Chandler Bing: I'm still right here!
Rachel Green: All right, will you, will you at least tell him how hollow and unsatisfying this, dating tons of women thing is!
Joey Tribbiani: What?!
Rachel Green: I just don't want him to meet anybody until I am over my crush-And I will get over it. It's-it's not like I love him, it's just physical! But-I mean I get crushes like this all the time! I mean hell, I had a crush on you when I first met ya!
Joey Tribbiani: I know, Monica told me.
Chandler Bing: Did you have a crush on me, when you first met me?
Rachel Green: Yeah. Sure.
Chandler Bing: Can you people not see me?!
Rachel Green: So, will you talk to him?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know Rach.
Rachel Green: Oh, come on! I'll give you ten free Ralph Lauren shirts.
Joey Tribbiani: One! No ten! You said ten! You can't take that back!
Tag Jones: Hey Joey, you wanted to talk to me?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. You uh, you got something for me?
Tag Jones: Oh, yeah, this is from Rachel.
Joey Tribbiani: Ten. Okay. Now Tag there's such a thing as to many women.
Tag Jones: Really?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, for you!
Monica Geller: Hey! There you are!
Chandler Bing: There I am!
Monica Geller: Are you okay?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, Joey said I uh, I needed to relax so he gave me an antihistamine.
Monica Geller: What?!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, and then I fell asleep on the subway and went all the way to Brooklyn. Brooklyn is f-far!!
Monica Geller: Chandler, what were you thinking?
Chandler Bing: I don't know, but don't worry, don't worry, because I know how to take a picture now. Okay, see? Look down , look down, look down...
Monica Geller: Chandler?
Chandler Bing: Yeah!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi.
Ross Geller: Hi.
Phoebe Buffay: So, how are things going with crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet?
Ross Geller: Listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okay-and F.Y.I she must've shown Kyle over 30 paint samples before she painted that room! And his response to each one was, "I don't give a tiny rat's ass."
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah well, maybe she should've spent a little less time decorating and a little more time in the bedroom.
Ross Geller: Well, I don't think we are gonna have that problem, but maybe that's just because I am not emotionally unavailable!
Phoebe Buffay: You think he's emotionally unavailable?
Ross Geller: I think he can be.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, maybe he wouldn't be she didn't bring the office home every night!
Ross Geller: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Year's Eve 1997.
Ross Geller: I knew you were gonna throw that in my face!! That was three years ago! She apologized and she apologized! What more do you want?!!
Phoebe Buffay: We want the last six years back!!
Ross Geller: So do we!! So do we!! I'm sorry you had to see that.
Tag Jones: Good morning Rachel.
Rachel Green: Hi! Thanks, hey so uh what'd you do last night?
Tag Jones: Went out with Joey.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah? Another night of birdogging the chickas?
Tag Jones: No. We had a really good talk. I don't think I'm gonna do that bar scene anymore.
Rachel Green: Wow! I did not see that coming.
Tag Jones: It's just not really who I am. Y'know, I've always been happier when...Why am I telling you this? You don't care about this stuff.
Rachel Green: Oh no, yes I do! I do! I mean, come on go on, you were, you were saying I am happier when uh, y'know?
Tag Jones: When I'm in a relationship, I love having a girlfriend.
Rachel Green: Really?
Tag Jones: Someone I can spoil, y'know?
Rachel Green: Sp-spoil?
Tag Jones: Uh-huh! Let me ask you something?
Rachel Green: Uh-huh.
Tag Jones: Do you believe that there is one perfect person for everyone?
Rachel Green: Well, I-I'm startin' too.
Tag Jones: And if that person is already in your life, you should do something about it right?
Rachel Green: Yes! Hell yes!
Tag Jones: All right then, it's settled.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Tag Jones: I'm gettin' back together with my ex-girlfriend.
Rachel Green: I'd love to!
Tag Jones: What?
Rachel Green: Hello?! Oh, yeah! This is gonna be a while. Excuse me. Yeah!
Ross Geller: My God!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'm sorry. Is that annoying? And speaking about being selfish in bed, how's Whitney?
Ross Geller: Well maybe she wouldn't have to be selfish in bed if someone else knew where everything was!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh he knows! For the most part.
Kyle: Oh hey! Good, you're both here.
Whitney: We kinda need to talk.
Phoebe Buffay: Both of you together?
Ross Geller: Wh-what's up?
Whitney: Well, I went over to Kyle's last night to pick up a few things and we got to reminiscing...
Kyle: ...we talked through most of the night and we realized that the reason we were so angry at each other was because there are still feelings there. So...
Ross Geller: Oh just say it Kyle!
Kyle: We're gonna give it another try.
Phoebe Buffay: What about her whining and her constant need for attention?!
Whitney: I'm gonna work on that.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh right, because you're so capable of change.
Ross Geller: Y'know, he hums when he pees!
Whitney: I do know.
Ross Geller: It makes him miss the bowl, but whatever.
Whitney: We're so sorry.
Ross Geller: That's all right, we-we don't need you. In fact, hey I'm over it already.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, and y'know what? I don't give a tiny rat's ass.
Kyle: Yeah, we're gonna go.
Ross Geller: I'm sorry. Ugh, Pheebs, you were, you were right about her. Y'know, she did try to use sex as a weapon! Yeah, I hurt my back a little.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Y'know, he hums while he does other stuff to.
Ross Geller: Yeah, were better off without them.
Phoebe Buffay: And y'know, even if they break up again, you'd better not let him in your sad men's club!
Ross Geller: Divorced men's club.
Phoebe Buffay: Potato, Potaato.
Monica Geller: Hey guys check it out! My mom sent me the paper!
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, let's see it!
Chandler Bing: Ahhh.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, that looks good.
Phoebe Buffay: You guys make a very attractive couple.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, we look great together.
Monica Geller: Yeah, we really do!
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: Wow! Imagine what our kids would look like!
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know, we don't have to imagine.
Chandler Bing: I'm marrying her.
Joey Tribbiani: We'll just see.


Monica Geller: Okay, the reason why I asked you guys out to brunch today is because I have been doing some thinking about who should be my maid of honor.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! This is it! I really hope it's you!
Phoebe Buffay: I hope it's you.
Rachel Green: Me too!
Monica Geller: First of all um, I love you both so much and you're both so important to me...
Rachel Green: Okay, bla-bla-bla-bla!! Who is it?!
Monica Geller: Well umm, I was thinking that maybe we could come up with a system where we trade of being maid of honor for each other. Like hypothetically, if Phoebe were mine...
Phoebe Buffay: Yes!!! Oh!!
Rachel Green: Hypothetically!
Phoebe Buffay: Still.
Monica Geller: If Phoebe were my maid of honor...
Rachel Green: Uh-hmm.
Monica Geller: Rachel would be Phoebe's, I would be Rachel's, that way we all get to do it once and no one would get upset.
Rachel Green: Yeah that's actually a pretty good idea.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I'll do that. So who gets to be yours?
Monica Geller: Well that's the best part. Umm, you guys get to decide!
Phoebe Buffay: Wh-why is that the best part?
Monica Geller: Because then I don't have to!
Rachel Green: Well of course we will help you decide! We will do anything we can to help you! Now, I would like to make a toast, to the future Mrs. Chandler Bing , my best friend, and truly one of the nicest people that...
Monica Geller: I'm really not deciding!
Rachel Green: Fine!
Woman: Excuse me, I-I couldn't help overhearing, you're marrying Chandler Bing?
Monica Geller: Yeah that's right.
Woman: Huh, good luck!
Phoebe Buffay: Aww, and good luck to you too! What a nice lady!
Chandler Bing: Die Hard still great!
Joey Tribbiani: Yep. Hey, what do you say we make it a double feature?
Chandler Bing: What'd you rent?
Joey Tribbiani: Die Hard 2.
Chandler Bing: Joey, this is Die Hard 1 again.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, well we watch it a second time and its Die Hard 2!
Ross Geller: Joey, we just saw it!
Joey Tribbiani: And?
Ross Geller: And it'll be cool to see it again! Yeah!
Ross Geller: Dude, you didn't say Die Hard. Is everything okay?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I just got uh, got plans.
Ross Geller: Well, John McLane had plans!
Chandler Bing: No, see the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch.
Joey Tribbiani: What are you talking about? Bitch.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey Rachel?
Rachel Green: Yeah?
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, when I get married will you be my maid of honor?
Rachel Green: Really?!
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-hmm.
Rachel Green: Oh my God Phoebe! I mean I'm just-Wait a minute. If I'm your maid of honor that means you are Monica's.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Well, if that's what you want...
Rachel Green: Ohh! No way Phoebe! I want to be Monica's!
Phoebe Buffay: But why does it even matter?!
Rachel Green: Why does it matter so much to you?!
Phoebe Buffay: Because this one is now! And-and it's two of our best friends! Who knows what you're gonna marry!
Rachel Green: What-what if I marry Ross-Or Joey?
Phoebe Buffay: You wouldn't! Okay look, Rachel I know you really want to do this, but I-I've never been maid of honor to anyone before! And I know you've done it at least twice!
Rachel Green: Yeah but Phoebe...
Phoebe Buffay: And no, oh please, oh please let me finish. Oh I guess that was it.
Rachel Green: Okay. Okay. It's-since you've never done it before you can be Monica's made of honor.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, thank you so much! Okay.
Rachel Green: I'm gonna marry someone good y'know.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh I know.
Rachel Green: Better than Chandler.
Ross Geller: What happened?!!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I don't know!!
Ross Geller: We fell asleep! That is all.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Yep. Yeah. All right, well uh, I'd better go.
Ross Geller: I think that would be best.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. All right, I'll talk to you later.
Ross Geller: Okay. But not about this!
Joey Tribbiani: No! Never! Never! Bye.
Ross Geller: No touch! No touch!
Monica Geller: Yeah hey, a weird thing happened today whey I was at brunch. This woman overheard that I was marrying you and-and then she...she wished me good luck.
Chandler Bing: That's sweet.
Monica Geller: No, it's more like a good luck.
Chandler Bing: So uh, what did this woman look like?
Monica Geller: She was like 30, dark hair, attractive.
Chandler Bing: Well, is there any chance you were looking into a bright, shiny thing called a mirror?
Monica Geller: Come on, was it somebody maybe you dated in college?
Chandler Bing: No, no I only dated two girls in college, both blonde, both not attractive... Hold on one second; let me check this out. (He gets up and grabs a photo album.
Monica Geller: What are you doing?
Chandler Bing: Well, let's see... Okay uh, is that her?
Monica Geller: Oh my God yes! Who is she?
Chandler Bing: Julie Grath, my camp girlfriend.
Monica Geller: Did you break up with her?
Chandler Bing: No, we're still together. Yeah we went out for two summers, and then I broke up with her.
Monica Geller: Why?
Chandler Bing: Well, 'cause she came back the third summer and she'd gotten really fa-aa-aw-ow...
Monica Geller: Fat?!
Chandler Bing: I did not say fat! I said, "Fa-aa-aw-ow..."
Monica Geller: You broke up with a girl because she was fat?!
Chandler Bing: Yeah. Yeah, but it was a really, really long time ago! Does she still feel bad?
Monica Geller: Well, apparently she does.
Chandler Bing: Well, you know what they say, elephants never forget. Seriously, good luck marrying me.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! What's going on?
Rachel Green: Phoebe is gonna be Monica's maid of honor!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Well I hope it goes better than the last time you did it for that girl downstairs, remember?
Rachel Green: You have been maid of honor before?!!
Phoebe Buffay: See? This is exactly why you shouldn't lie!
Rachel Green: All right that's it! I am maid of honor!
Phoebe Buffay: Na-uh, I am!
Rachel Green: How come you are?!
Phoebe Buffay: Because I cared enough to lie!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey-hey-hey, I can help you decide who should do it! Yeah, we could have like uh, like an audition and see how you'd handle maid of honor type situations.
Phoebe Buffay: What are you talking about?
Joey Tribbiani: Like when I want a job, I go to an audition and if I'm the best of the people they see, they give me the part.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so after this audition, who decides who gets it?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh uh, me and Ross can be the judges.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, it's better than us deciding.
Rachel Green: Oh, come on! This is crazy! Can't we just flip a coin?!
Phoebe Buffay: No! Coins hate me!
Rachel Green: Okay. Okay fine, y'know what? We will let Ross and Joey decide. Hiiiii, Ross! Sweetie.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey there, you handsome thing.
Ross Geller: Wow, this cologne really is every bit as good as Georgio.
Joey Tribbiani: Hi.
Ross Geller: Just uh, brought back your videos.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh hey look uh Ross, look I think we need to talk about before.
Ross Geller: No! No we don't!
Joey Tribbiani: Yes we do! Now look, that was the best nap I ever had!!
Ross Geller: I... I don't know what you are talking about.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on! Admit it! That was the best nap you ever had!
Ross Geller: I've had better.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay! When?!
Ross Geller: All right! All right! It was the best nap ever!
Joey Tribbiani: Uh-huh!
Ross Geller: I've said it! Okay?! But it's over Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: I want to do it again.
Ross Geller: We can't do it again.
Joey Tribbiani: Why not?
Ross Geller: Because it's weird!
Joey Tribbiani: Fine! Do you want something to drink?
Ross Geller: Sure, what do you got?
Joey Tribbiani: Warm milk and Excedrin P.M.
Monica Geller: Chandler! Chandler! I just figured out who you are!
Chandler Bing: Can you figure out what I'm doing?
Monica Geller: You're Lewis Posin.
Chandler Bing: Who?
Monica Geller: Lewis Posin! He was my best friend in fifth grade, and-and then one day I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said no. Do you know why?
Chandler Bing: Because you kept talking to him while he was trying to go to the bathroom?!
Monica Geller: No! But because he thought I was to faaaaa... And every time I think about it, it makes me feel as bad as I did in fifth grade! Y'know, I-I really think that you should apologize to Julie.
Chandler Bing: What? Are you kidding? That was like 16 years ago.
Monica Geller: No, I know. But y'know what? It would make me feel better if Lewis apologized to me.
Chandler Bing: Okay, I will do it. But I have to warn you; this may make me a better person and that is not the man you feel in love with!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, all right, this is how it's going to work. We're gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations and you will be scored on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the highest.
Ross Geller: No, 10 is the highest.
Joey Tribbiani: Why is 10 the highest?
Ross Geller: Because It's The Highest. Situation No.1 You're with Monica, the wedding is about to start when Monica gets cold feet. Go!
Joey Tribbiani: I don't want to marry Chandler!
Rachel Green: Okay, uh...
Joey Tribbiani: I've got cold feet.
Rachel Green: ...it's gonna be okay!
Joey Tribbiani: No, one man for the rest of my life? I don't know if I can do it! This means I'll never get to sleep with Joey!
Rachel Green: Look Monica, getting cold feet is very common. Y'know, it's-it's just because of all the anticipation and you just have to remember that you love Chandler. And also, I ran out on a wedding. You don't get to keep the gifts.
Joey Tribbiani: Very good! Drawing on your own experience, I like that!
Rachel Green: Thanks!
Ross Geller: Yes, very nice Rachel.
Rachel Green: Thank you judges.
Phoebe Buffay: Ugh, what a kiss ass.
Rachel Green: Oh!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, Phoebe...
Phoebe Buffay: Yes! Your honor?
Joey Tribbiani: We're now in the ceremony, Monica is about to say, "I do" when her drunk uncle starts yelling. What do you do? Go!
Ross Geller: When Monica was a little girl, I remember that-Ooh!! Ow! Very good!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh!
Joey Tribbiani: Yes! Excellent! Perfect score!
Rachel Green: Wait a minute! She just made a scene in the middle of the ceremony!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Do you want do you want a little taste of Pheebs?!
Ross Geller: It is time for you to give your maid of honor speech.
Rachel Green: Ohh, wait a minute, we haven't pre...
Ross Geller: Go!
Rachel Green: Okay! Okay! Umm, Webster's Dictionary defines marriage as... Okay!! Forget that! That sucks!! Okay, never mind! Forget it! Umm, umm, okay, uh... I met, I-I met, I met Monica when we were just a couple of six year olds and I became friends with Chandler when he was 25, although he seemed like a six year old.
Rachel Green: Thank you. Thank you very much. Umm, I've known them separately and I've known them together and-and to know them as a couple is to know that you are truly in the presence of love. So I would like to raise my glass to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon together. I can think of no two people better prepared for the journey.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow. Good speech.
Ross Geller: Yeah, it really was!
Rachel Green: Aw, thanks!
Ross Geller: Okay Phoebe, I guess you're next although I really don't see the point.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I can't believe that Monica and Chandler are getting married. I remember talking about this day with Rachel while we were showering together, naked.
Joey Tribbiani: And she's back in the game.
Chandler Bing: Julie hi! Chandler Bing, I, I guess you remember me.
Julie Graff: Hello Skidmark.
Chandler Bing: It's a nickname, I'll explain later.
Monica Geller: It's pretty clear.
Chandler Bing: Ah, uh, I owe you a long overdue apology. I never should have broken up with you because you were overweight.
Julie Graff: That's why you broke up with me?
Chandler Bing: You-you-you didn't know that. Well, I guess my work here is done!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, well first of all I would like to say that you both performed very well. Okay? You should be proud of yourselves. And-and I would also like to say that in this competition there are no losers. Well, except for Rachel-Damnit!
Phoebe Buffay: Really?! I won!
Rachel Green: What?!
Ross Geller: I'm sorry Rach, it was, it was really close.
Rachel Green: Well then I demand a recount!
Ross Geller: Actually, it wasn't that close.
Rachel Green: No! Y'know what? No! No! You thing was so stupid anyway, this was ridiculous-We're gonna flip a coin! All right?! Heads!
Phoebe Buffay: The coins have finally forgiven me!
Rachel Green: Well y'know what? I hope Monica forgives you after you throw her, her vegetarian, voodoo, goddess circley shower!
Phoebe Buffay: Rach, it's gonna be okay! You guys are the best!
Joey Tribbiani: Boy I tell ya, that judging stuff took a lot out of me.
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! I was thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch.
Ross Geller: Why-why would I care about that?
Joey Tribbiani: No reason, I'm just saying that uh... That's where I'll be.
Chandler Bing: As bad as that went I actually enjoyed myself. I think that I'm going to apologize for all of the stupid things I do.
Monica Geller: Why don't you just stop doing stupid things? Then you wouldn't have to apologize.
Chandler Bing: I would really love it if could do both.
Monica Geller: All right, I...I have to ask.
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: Are you gonna break up with me if I get fat again?
Chandler Bing: What?!
Monica Geller: Well, you broke up with Julie Grath! How much weight could she have gained?
Chandler Bing: A hundred and forty-five pounds.
Monica Geller: In one year?! My God what did she eat? Her-her family! That's not the point.
Chandler Bing: Look I know it was a stupid reason to break up with somebody, but I was 15!
Monica Geller: Well... That's not the only time this was an issue. You remember when umm, you spent Thanksgiving with us? You called me fat.
Chandler Bing: Okay. Okay, now wait a minute that was totally different.
Monica Geller: How?
Chandler Bing: You were not supposed to hear that! I said that behind you back!
Monica Geller: What if I have babies, okay? I mean I'm gonna look different. I'm okay with that, but I'm not sure that you are!
Chandler Bing: Look you have to realize I don't think of you as a thin, beautiful woman. See this is one of things that I can apologize for later! Look, what I mean is you're Monica! Okay? And I am in love with Monica.
Monica Geller: Keep going.
Chandler Bing: So you can balloon up or you can shrink down and I will still love you.
Monica Geller: Even if I shrink down to two inches tall?
Chandler Bing: I'd carry you around in my pocket.
Monica Geller: I love you.
Chandler Bing: Skidmark's still got a way with the ladies.
Rachel Green: Hi Pheebs.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi!
Rachel Green: Hi! I just want to apologize. I'm really sorry I was a baby.
Phoebe Buffay: That's ridiculous Rachel, we were all babies once. Oh, you mean today.
Rachel Green: Yeah. Yeah, and y'know you-you deserve to win. And-and y'know I was thinking about it, if-if you're Monica's maid of honor that means I get to be yours.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah!
Rachel Green: Yeah! Oh, umm when-when Monica and Chandler got engaged I started putting some stuff together, y'know just in case...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh that's so sweet thanks.
Rachel Green: Here is a book of poetry that I know Monica loves. And-and ohh God this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride. And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman. Oh and here's a little purse that I found. Y'know I just thought that maybe they could hold the rings in there.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh.
Rachel Green: And umm, vintage handkerchiefs y'know 'cause, people cry at weddings. I'm just gonna grab a couple of these.
Phoebe Buffay: This stuff is great!
Rachel Green: Oh, I forgot this was in here. Umm, this was the uh garter that I was saving for my wedding and I wanted it to be Monica's something borrowed and it's blue. Yeah...
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know Rach, I think that, I think you should be Monica's made of honor.
Rachel Green: You do? Why?
Phoebe Buffay: Because I think it means more to you.
Rachel Green: But Pheebs, y'know you earned it.
Phoebe Buffay: Its fine. I mean, this is something that you've been thinking about since you were what, 14?
Rachel Green: No, I was ten. I just developed early.
Phoebe Buffay: Man alive!
Monica Geller: Hey, what's going on?
Rachel Green: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, we just decided that Rachel is gonna be your maid of honor.
Monica Geller: Ohh, wow! That's great! Oh wow! We really have to start planning! I have, I have a lot of really specific ideas! We should probably get together like four times per week. You can come over to my place; we'll get together before work! What do you say, 6:30, my place? I'm so excited!
Rachel Green: Yeah okay, you laugh now, but she's gonna be yours.
Joey Tribbiani: Great nap.
Ross Geller: It really was.
Joey Tribbiani: Dude! What the hell are you doing?! God!
Ross Geller: Excuse me.


Joey Tribbiani: Morning!
Rachel Green: Hi! Oh, how was your date last night?
Joey Tribbiani: Pretty good.
Rachel Green: Oh good. Ahhh! My God, sorry!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, really good. Anyway I gotta go; I'm late for work.
Rachel Green: What-what?! You're gonna leave this person with me?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-Hey, don't worry, she's a terrific girl. And hey listen, could you do me a favor? When she comes out could you just mention that I'm not looking for a serious relationship; that'd be great.
Rachel Green: Why?! What?! Are you kidding?!
Joey Tribbiani: Just casually slip it in, y'know lay the groundwork. Tell her uh, I'm a loner-No! An outlaw! Tell her she doesn't want to get mixed up with the likes of me.
Rachel Green: Y'know what? That's a lot to remember, can't I just tell her you're a pig?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I'm gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! He'd even make the girl pancakes! Plus, he'd make extras and leave 'em for me.
Rachel Green: Well forget it, I'm not telling that girl anything. That is not my responsibility.
Joey Tribbiani: Fine! Now, where'd we land on those pancakes?
Joey's Date: Hi!
Rachel Green: Hi.
Joey's Date: Sorry about that, but I couldn't get that lock to work on the door.
Rachel Green: Yeah, Joey kinda disabled it when I moved in.
Joey's Date: You must be Rachel, I'm Erin.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Erin: Hi. I don't mean this to sound like high school, but did he say anything about me?
Rachel Green: Would you like some pancakes?
Chandler Bing: ...Come on! Why are we here?!
Ross Geller: Okay, okay take a guess.
Chandler Bing: The hot chicks?
Ross Geller: Okay, okay, I was typing names into the library computer earlier, y'know-y'know for fun, and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My doctoral dissertation! It's here! Yeah, it's right-it's right down here! In the biggest library in the university!
Chandler Bing: Wow that's actually pretty cool.
Ross Geller: Oh umm, there's also a book here by a woman named Wendy Bagina. What is that?
Chandler Bing: Sounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey decimal system.
Female Student: I'm so sorry!
Male Student: Sorry!
Chandler Bing: You didn't bring me here to do that, did you?
Monica Geller: She sent the chicken back again?!
The Waitress: She says it's to dry now and she wants to come back here and explain to you exactly how she wants it.
Monica Geller: Well fine! I want to meet this chicken expert! Send the Colonel in!
The Colonel: OH...MY...GAWD!!!!
Monica Geller: Lucky bastard! Janice.
Janice Litman Goralnik: How are you Ms. Hot Shot chef with the big fancy restaurant with the best chicken ever!
Monica Geller: I'm fine.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Ohh! What is that on your finger?! I'm blind!
Monica Geller: Oh... Uh...
Janice Litman Goralnik: So, who's the lucky guy?
Chandler Bing: OH...MY...GAWD! I am so sorry sweetie, are you okay? You didn't tell her we were getting married, did you?
Monica Geller: Well, she saw the ring.
Chandler Bing: Did she freak out?
Monica Geller: Well, she was shocked when I told her, but then again so were most people.
Chandler Bing: Right.
Monica Geller: Well, she actually has a boyfriend y'know herself, named Clark. Uh, she also kinda invited herself to our wedding. Clark too.
Chandler Bing: You said no right?
Monica Geller: Huh?
Chandler Bing: You said no right?!
Monica Geller: Well, she corned me! She asked if the wedding was in town! I mean, what was I supposed to do?!
Chandler Bing: Lie!!! How hard is that?! The check's in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I can't wait to read your book Ross!!
Monica Geller: Come on! So she comes to the wedding! I mean it won't be so bad.
Chandler Bing: What do you think she's just gonna sit there quietly? You don't think she's gonna want to make a toast? You don't think she's gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?!
Monica Geller: Oh my God, she's not gonna like the chicken that night either is she?!
Chandler Bing: Y'know what? It's gonna be okay. Y'know what? She's probably not gonna even want to come.
Monica Geller: Really?
Chandler Bing: No! That was a lie! See how easy that was?
Monica Geller: So-so you would've just lied?
Chandler Bing: Yes!!
Monica Geller: Would it really have been that easy?
Chandler Bing: Yes!!!
Monica Geller: Good, so do it Saturday night because we're going to dinner with her and Clark.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! What's up?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey, who's your friend? Hey!!
Erin: Hey Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Erin! Still here!
Rachel Green: Yeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time!
Joey Tribbiani: Why wouldn't ya? Erin is great! Then-then there's you guys.
Erin: Ohh, listen. I've got to get going. Today was great, thanks!
Rachel Green: I know!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay!
Erin: Bye Joey. Last night was fun.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. I'll uh, I'll call ya.
Rachel Green: Oh and I'll call ya too!
Erin: Or I'll call you!
Phoebe Buffay: And call me!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, good to see you again.
Erin: Bye.
Joey Tribbiani: Bye-bye.
Rachel Green: Bye!
Joey Tribbiani: So, system kinda broke down huh?!
Rachel Green: Oh Joey, I'm sorry I just couldn't tell her all those things you wanted me to tell her. And y'know we got to talking and I...
Phoebe Buffay: We want you to marry her!
Joey Tribbiani: What?!!
Phoebe Buffay: She is so amazing! You have no idea.
Joey Tribbiani: No idea? Who do you think brought her here?
Rachel Green: Cupid.
Phoebe Buffay: Joey, she's so cool. She speaks four languages.
Joey Tribbiani: Man, do you know what guys want!
Rachel Green: Look Joey, come on she's so perfect for you! I mean she's sweet, she-she likes baseball, and she-she had two beers at lunch.
Joey Tribbiani: My beers?! Look you guys, she's a very nice girl. Okay? We had a good time, but I just-I don't see it going anywhere.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but you always say that.
Rachel Green: Yeah, maybe if you gave this girl a chance it would go somewhere.
Joey Tribbiani: Look I'm sorry you guys, I-I just don't think so.
Phoebe Buffay: Whatever.
Rachel Green: Fine.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, don't start judging me! Huh? You're the one who's in love with her assistant! Huh? And you, you're the one having the affair with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof!
Rachel Green: Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: Secret affair!
Ross Geller: People are doing it in front of my book!
Rachel Green: I'm sorry?
Ross Geller: My doctoral dissertation is in the library at school, I went to see it, and there were students makin' babies right in the middle of the Paleontology section!
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Did you get to see anything good?
Ross Geller: Let me ask you something, at your school was there a like uh a place on campus where students went to uh, fool around.
Rachel Green: Yeah, there was. It was-there the corner of the library where-where all these dusty books that nobody ever read-Yes, there was.
Ross Geller: Great! Because people kept showing up, I think it's like uh-a thing!
Joey Tribbiani: Now hold on a second, fifth floor against that back wall?
Ross Geller: Oh for cryin' out loud!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, so we should go catch our movie.
Rachel Green: Well now what's the rush?
Joey Tribbiani: I like to see the previews. The candy.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Hey!
Rachel Green: Well look who's here!
Erin: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Erin: Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Erin.
Erin: Hey Rachel.
Rachel Green: Hi! Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. Oh no!
Erin: What's wrong?
Rachel Green: Oh Phoebe, we forgot that party we have to go to.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no.
Joey Tribbiani: What party?
Joey Tribbiani: Who's birthday party?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, and how is Allison?
Rachel Green: Wait a minute! Why don't you guys do something?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, look how that worked out.
Ross Geller: Excuse me. Hi, I'm a professor here. Do you know the Paleontology section, fifth floor, stack 437?
The Librarian: Well, yes! Just give me five minutes, I just have to find someone to cover my shift.
Ross Geller: No! No!! No! Can I speak to someone in charge please?!
The Head Librarian: How can I help you?
Ross Geller: Hi, I was wondering if it is possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? See I-I wrote a book up there and instead of reading it people are-are-are well, rolling around in front of it.
The Head Librarian: We are aware of the problem you are referring too. But as far as increasing security, I'm afraid the library is very understaffed. I, I can't help you.
Ross Geller: Well, fine. Fine! If-if I'm the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, I'll go up there and defend it myself! And don't you follow me!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: How did it go with Erin?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, unbelievable! We had the best time!
Phoebe Buffay: Yay!! Oh so, you're not, you're not mad at us anymore?
Joey Tribbiani: No! No! No! You guys were totally right! This is so much better than the first time we went out. Y'know? That was so awkward, we were really nervous.
Phoebe Buffay: Didn't you sleep together?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah that really calms me down. And! We have so much in common! She loves sandwiches, sports, although she is a Met fan, not much of an issue now but if were ever to have kids, well that's a...
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Listen to you talkin' about having kids. Oh my Joey. Oh, please don't get married before I do.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh. Oh I just cannot believe Clark stood me up!
Monica Geller: He might still show up.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, what are you, stupid? It's been three hours.
Monica Geller: Is that all?
Janice Litman Goralnik: I should just go on to happier things, okay? Umm, why don't you tell about your lovely wedding?
Chandler Bing: Well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, it's going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! We're not even sure why we're having it.
Monica Geller: It's actually going to be just family.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh...wait...you two think of me as family?! Oh, I have to ask you something now and be honest; do you want me to sing Careless Whisper or Lady In Red?
Joey Tribbiani: How can you say that?! The Mets have no closer!
Erin: What about Benitez?
Joey Tribbiani: What about Game 1 of the Series?
Erin: What about shut up?
Joey Tribbiani: You shut up! I love arguing with her. I'll be right back.
Erin: Okay.
Rachel Green: So how's it goin' with Joey?
Erin: Uh, okay.
Rachel Green: Okay? Wait okay, tell-tell me that you like him, please? I mean tell me that you like him.
Erin: Look, he's a really great guy and I know that you really want this to work out, but I just don't see this having a future.
Rachel Green: But you said that you liked him! I mean what happened?! Did ya just change your mind?!
Erin: Kinda.
Phoebe Buffay: Then change it back!
Erin: I'm sorry I... It's just there's no real spark.
Phoebe Buffay: No spark? Didn't you sleep together?
Erin: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Ugh, tramp!
Phoebe Buffay: Does Joey have any idea?
Erin: I really don't think he does. And y'know what? Maybe you guys could help clue him in. Y'know, tell him I'm-I'm not interested in a serious relationship or something.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, you mean like that you're kind of a loner.
Erin: Yeah! That would be great!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, and maybe that you're a real
Erin: I'm sorry?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh well, I guess Italian isn't one of the four languages you speak.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! You wanna go?
Erin: Yeah, let's go.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. See you guys later.
Erin: Bye guys.
Rachel Green: Yeah, see ya.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, thank you so much.
Rachel Green: Wow. Well, I guess it was Cupid who brought her here.
Phoebe Buffay: No, just a regular old flying dwarf.
Ross Geller: Yes? Yes?! How can I help you?
Guy: Yeah, we were...we were just looking around.
Ross Geller: Oh-oh, you're-you're fellow scholars. What exactly were you looking for, hmm? Perhaps, perhaps Dr. Chester Stock's musings on the Smiledon Californicus?
Guy: Uhh...
Ross Geller: Ah... Ah...Get out of here! Uh, meeting someone? Or-or are you just here to brush up on Marion's views on evolution?
Woman: Uh, actually I find Marion's views far to progressionist.
Ross Geller: I find Marion's views far to progressionist.
Woman: I'm sorry, who are you?
Ross Geller: I'm a professor here uh, Ross...Geller.
Woman: Ross Geller, why do I know that name? It's uh-Wait! Did you write this?
Ross Geller: Yes! You're the person who checked out my book?!
Woman: Y'know, you look nothing like I would've thought. You're...you're so young.
Ross Geller: Well I uh, I skipped forth grade.
Ross Geller: I am very...very sorry.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: So how was, how was your date?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, it was great! I mean we walked all around the village. We went to this ice cream place, split a milkshake, 70/30 but still... And guess what, I'm thinking about taking her upstate to one of those bed and breakfasts.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh really? She said she wants to go away with you?
Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no-no-no! It's a surprise, but it's gonna be tricky thought because she said she was gonna be pretty busy at work for a while.
Rachel Green: Jo-Joey, look honey we-we need to talk okay? Umm, I kinda got the feeling from her today that uh, she's not lookin' for a serious relationship.
Joey Tribbiani: Where are you gettin' this?
Rachel Green: Well, she told me. She said she's kinda a loner.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Oh.
Rachel Green: Joey...
Joey Tribbiani: No hey Rach, it's cool okay? Y'know I'm a loner too! Right?
Phoebe Buffay: Hey Joey, y'know what? You are way to good for her.
Rachel Green: Yeah and honey I promise next time that I will just say good-bye and tell 'em you're not looking for a relationship.
Joey Tribbiani: No! No. Don't do that, just next time make sure she really likes me.
Rachel Green: Well that too. Joey?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah?
Rachel Green: Do you want some pancakes?
Joey Tribbiani: Finally!
Monica Geller: What are we gonna do?
Chandler Bing: I say we go with Careless Whisper.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Chandler?
Chandler Bing: Did she see us yet? Did she see us?
Monica Geller: Janice, what umm, what are you doing here?
Janice Litman Goralnik: Well umm, I thought I was going to go back to my apartment but then I just felt I couldn't really be alone tonight. I was wondering if I could maybe stay here with you, just I really feel that I need to be with family.
Monica Geller: Our kids are gonna call her Aunt Janice aren't they?
Janice Litman Goralnik: Please, it's because otherwise I really don't know what I might do.
Chandler Bing: Aren't you just a tinsy bit curious?
Janice Litman Goralnik: Do you have any tissues?
Monica Geller: Yeah, in-in-in the bathroom.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Okay!
Monica Geller: We'll just...we'll just let her stay.
Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no, if we let her stay, she will stay forever!
Monica Geller: Kinda like your Barca lounger.
Chandler Bing: Is that what you're thinking about right now?
Monica Geller: I never stop thinking about it.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Hey you guys, umm do either one of you want to get in there before I take my bath.
Chandler Bing: Janice, I'm sorry but umm, you can't stay here tonight.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Why not?
Chandler Bing: Honestly? Our apartment is a hotbed for electromagnetic activity. Now Monica and I have been immunized, but sadly you have not.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Okay, I'm going to need a comforter, but did you have a hypoallergenic one because otherwise I get very nasal. Do you have a cat? 'Cause it's already happening. Do you hear that?
Monica Geller: Oh my God! Oh my God! You have to go!
Janice Litman Goralnik: Why?
Monica Geller: Because Chandler still has feelings for you!
Janice Litman Goralnik: He does?
Chandler Bing: Say again?
Monica Geller: That's right. That's right. And that is why you can't stay here tonight. And probably why you shouldn't come to the wedding.
Chandler Bing: Feelings, such strong feelings.
Monica Geller: I mean, I realize that his feelings may never completely go away, but you can.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh...my Gawd, I-I understand. I-I am so sorry, I'll go. Good-bye Monica , I wish you a lifetime of happiness with him. Chandler, you call me when this goes in the pooper.
Ross Geller: Don't sweat it, I've got this section covered. Yeah, in fact I've got this little baby to shine in people's eye-Okay, see you later.
Chandler Bing: I just wanted to show Monica your book.


Ross Geller: Hey everybody! Happy Thanksgiving!
Chandler Bing: No, no, no. No-no-no.
Ross Geller: What, are we keeping Thanksgiving a secret this year?
Chandler Bing: No, we're playing this game I learned at work. You have to name all the states in six minutes.
Ross Geller: What? That's like insanely easy!
Chandler Bing: Now, that's a lot harder than it sounds. You always forget at least one, or in some cases... fourteen .
Monica Geller: It's a stupid game and I wasn't playing against other people, so technically I didn't lose.
Ross Geller: What? You forgot fourteen states?
Monica Geller: Nobody cares about the Dakotas.
Chandler Bing: Oh, okay, time's up!
Rachel Green: All right, I got 48.
Chandler Bing: Oh that's not bad, Pheebs?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I Got Tired Of Naming States. So I Decided To List The Types Of Celery, And I Have One regular celery.
Chandler Bing: Okay, so Rachel's got 48 and Phoebe has the lead in...vegetables, Joey?
Joey Tribbiani: Say hello to the new champ of Chandler's dumb states game.
Ross Geller: Wow, how many have you got?
Joey Tribbiani: Fifty-six!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! How is New England not a state? Huh? They have a sports-team!
Chandler Bing: Does South Oregon have a sports-team? There you go.
Rachel Green: How come we have one extra place setting?
Monica Geller: 'Cause you invited your assistant.
Rachel Green: Oh, right. Sorry. But Tag's not coming; his girlfriend came into town, so he's spending Thanksgiving with her.
Monica Geller: Oh! Why didn't you tell me? I made him his own individual sweet potato stuffed pumpkin.
Rachel Green: Well, I was going to, but then I figured, you know... you're food is so delicious and perfect, you can never have too many of those pumpkin things.
Monica Geller: Now you think I wouldn't enjoy that, because it is so fake, but I still do.
Phoebe Buffay: Regular Celery! Oh, I already have that.
Ross Geller: Done! With time a-to-spare.
Chandler Bing: Oooh that may be a New World's record
Ross Geller: You know, I hate to lecture you guys, but it's kinda disgraceful, that a group of well-educated adults and Joey can't name all the states. Did you ever see a map, or one of those round, colorful things called "a globe?" Hmm?
Chandler Bing: Uh, Magellan? You got 46 states.
Ross Geller: What? That's impossible.
Joey Tribbiani: 46. Wow! Who's well educated now, Mr. I-forgot-ten-states?
Monica Geller: All right, I'm out of oven space. I'm gonna turn on Joey's. Please, watch him! Do not let Joey eat any of the food!
Chandler Bing: I am only one man! Okay Ross, time is up!
Ross Geller: No, just give me another minute.
Chandler Bing: Look Ross, if you don't know them by now, you will never know them, okay? That is the beauty of this game. It makes you want to kill yourself.
Ross Geller: This-this is crazy! I can do this! All right, uhh, I bet I can get all 50 before dinner.
Chandler Bing: Okay, but if you can't...no dinner!
Ross Geller: You're on!
Joey Tribbiani: All right. Don't look at my list, Ross, 'cause there's a lot on there that you don't have.
Monica Geller: Hey, did you guys know, that your oven doesn't work?
Joey Tribbiani: But the drawer full of take-out menus is okay, right?
Monica Geller: Ross, I'm gonna use yours, okay?
Ross Geller: Pshhshhh!
Monica Geller: Chandler? Can you give me a hand?
Chandler Bing: Sure, and Joey; do not let Ross look at any of the maps or the globe in your apartment.
Joey Tribbiani: Don't worry, Chandler, it's not a globe of the United States.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey you guys I'm gonna go out and take a walk.
Ross Geller: Phoebe, why is your bag moving?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's not!
Rachel Green: Seriously, it's moving!
Joey Tribbiani: What the hell is in there?
Phoebe Buffay: It's just my knitting that's all! Yes! I knit this. I'm very good.
Monica Geller: Ross's apartment is nice! How come we don't hang out here more often?
Chandler Bing: I don't know. Maybe it's because it smells a little weird. It's like old pumpkins or something.
Monica Geller: That's my pie!
Chandler Bing: Which smells delicious!
Monica Geller: Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: We left Joey alone with the food! Yep! Yep, I knew it! There he is... feeding stuffing to a dog!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi Geller-Bing residence. How can I help?
Monica Geller: Phoebe, why is there a dog in our apartment?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, who's this?
Monica Geller: Phoebe, there's a dog sitting on my couch!
Chandler Bing: Tell her, I'm allergic, and I will sue!
Phoebe Buffay: No, there's no dog here?
Monica Geller: Yes there is! He's black and white and shaggy and he's sitting next to Rachel and licking Rachel's hand.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my god! Where are you?
Monica Geller: I'll be right there!
Phoebe Buffay: They're here already? How are they doing this?
Rachel Green: Hi Tag! What are you doing here?
Tag Jones: I, uh, wanted to see if your offer to spend Thanksgiving with you is still good.
Rachel Green: Well, sure! Come in! Well, what-what happened to your girlfriend?
Tag Jones: We kinda broke up this morning.
Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sorry.
Tag Jones: Yeah, so she went back to Ohio.
Ross Geller: Ohio!! Thank you!
Chandler Bing: Huh! Where is the dog?!
Ross Geller: What dog? There-there's no dog here.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah that dog left!
Monica Geller: Phoebe! Phoebe, open up!
Phoebe Buffay: There's no dog in here.
Chandler Bing: Phoebe, we can hear the dog barking!
Phoebe Buffay: No that's just me coughing! Oh, good, there you are! Listen, um, I have a dog in my room.
Chandler Bing: What is it doing here?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm watching it for some friends who went out of town. Wait. Hello, my name is Clunkers. May I please stay with you nice people?
Monica Geller: Oooh, I wish she could stay here, but Chandler is allergic!
Chandler Bing: Extremely allergic, okay? If I'm anywhere near a dog for more than 5 minutes, my throat will just close up!
Phoebe Buffay: That's odd, 'cause this dog's been living here for the past 3 days
Chandler Bing: Really?
Monica Geller: Chandler, if that dog's been here that long, and you haven't had a reaction, maybe you're not allergic to this dog?
Chandler Bing: Well, it still has to go, right?
Chandler Bing: Okay, it's um...
Joey Tribbiani: Don't do it!
Monica Geller: Don't do what?
Chandler Bing: I have to! Okay? It's time! Okay, I hate dogs.
Everyone: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Are you crazy?
Ross Geller: Are you out of your mind?
Phoebe Buffay: Why?
Joey Tribbiani: Told ya.
Chandler Bing: They are needy, they are jumpy, and you can't tell what they are thinking, and that scares me a little bit.
Ross Geller: Right, they are scary. Ahh, she just ate a treat out of my hand!!!
Rachel Green: Wait a minute. Do you not like all dogs? I mean, not even puppies?
Chandler Bing: Is there a puppy here?
Tag Jones: You don't like puppies?
Chandler Bing: Okay, you are new!
Joey Tribbiani: Look, Chandler, I told you, never tell anyone about this dog thing. It's like Ross not likin' ice cream.
Phoebe Buffay: You don't like ice cream?
Ross Geller: It's too cold.
Chandler Bing: Okay, it's just that dogs make me a little uncomfortable.
Ross Geller: It hurts my teeth.
Chandler Bing: And I don't wanna say this, I don't you guys to hate me, but uh, I don't think, I can be around that dog anymore. Okay, so either the dog goes, or I go. Oh my god!!
Ross Geller: How can I not get this? I'm a college professor; I got 1450 on my S.A.T.s.
Monica Geller: 1250.
Ross Geller: Damn, I forgot you were here.
Phoebe Buffay: All right. We're gonna take Clunkers to Ross's. We'll be back in a minute.
Rachel Green: Oh, wait before you guys go, can I just ask you a question?
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: When a guy breaks up with his girlfriend, what is an appropriate amount of time to wait before you make a move?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'd say about a month.
Monica Geller: Really? I'd say 3 to 4.
Joey Tribbiani: Half hour.
Rachel Green: Interesting.
Monica Geller: When it's your assistant, I would say never.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, Rach, the big question is, does he like you? All right? Because if he doesn't like you, this is all a moo-point.
Rachel Green: Huh. A moo-point?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel Green: Have I been living with him for too long, or did that all just make sense?
Monica Geller: Please, don't listen to Joey, okay. Would you look at him? He-he's obviously depressed. He's away from his family; he's spending Thanksgiving with strangers. What he needs right now is for you to be his friend.
Rachel Green: You're right, I'm sorry. Thank you. Okay, that's what I'm gonna do.
Joey Tribbiani: Fine! Take their advice. No one ever listens to me. When the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside.
Rachel Green: Hey!
Tag Jones: Hey.
Rachel Green: How are you holding up?
Tag Jones: Not bad.
Rachel Green: Yeah? I'm sorry about your girlfriend.
Tag Jones: Thanks.
Rachel Green: So were you guys together a long time?
Tag Jones: A year. On and off. I kinda thought we'd end up together. I don't anymore.
Rachel Green: Now that she broke up with you?
Tag Jones: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Yeah. Hmmmm.
Tag Jones: It's weird. I always used to assume, that I would meet someone and fall in love and be happy and all that was just a given. But lately it's like what if it's not. Do you ever have that feeling?
Rachel Green: No...Yeah, all the time, constantly. It's terrifying. But you know that I figure it...it has to work out.
Tag Jones: Why?
Rachel Green: Because, uh-it has to.
Tag Jones: You have all the answers, don't you?
Rachel Green: Yeah, I know, I do. I really do.
Tag Jones: Hey, thanks for talking to me.
Rachel Green: Well, what is a boss for? Hug it out!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, he likes you back! Huh? Told ya, you should go for it!
Tag Jones: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Street noise drowned any of that out? No, all right, I see you later, okay...
Tag Jones: What did Joey say? I like you back?
Rachel Green: Uh, yeah, well, see, he... Joey knows, that I'm-I'm very insecure about my back and, and...you're hugging me, so obviously you are not repulsed by it, yeah!
Tag Jones: Wait-wait a minute; that doesn't make any sense.
Rachel Green: No? All right, here's the truth um, Joey said what he said, because um, I'm attracted to you.
Tag Jones: Wow.
Rachel Green: Yeah, I admit it. I have a crush on you, and uh, and, and I know that's crazy because we work together, and-and nothing could ever happen, and the last thing I want to do is-is to freak you out or make you feel uncomfortable. Which is why it would be really great if you said something right about now.
Tag Jones: Oh my god! Those guys are stealing my car!
Rachel Green: What?
Tag Jones: Right there! That's my car! Hey!!
Rachel Green: Okay, that's gonna take them a minute. Do you have anything else you wanna get off your chest?
Tag Jones: I can't believe this!
Rachel Green: Wait, we still have time to talk and they're-they're not even in the car yet! Oh look, there they go, okay.
Monica Geller: Okay Phoebe, we should probably go back now.
Phoebe Buffay: Please don't leave me, I'll be lonely.
Monica Geller: Stop it. Stop! Okay let's go. We can be strong.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, okay.
Monica Geller: Oh my god! Did you hear that? She said Monica! Oooh, I can't leave her!
Phoebe Buffay: You know if you want, we can sneak the dog back in and Chandler wouldn't even know.
Monica Geller: That's not gonna work.
Phoebe Buffay: I've had that dog there for three days and Chandler had no idea. He's not so smart.
Monica Geller: Hey! I didn't know either.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but you kinda knew that something was going on, didn't you?
Monica Geller: Yeah, I knew.
Phoebe Buffay: Where's Chandler?
Chandler Bing: Here I am.
Phoebe Buffay: Wash your hands!!!
Chandler Bing: How did you...know?
Ross Geller: Hey! What's she doing back here?
Monica Geller: Relax, Ross. She's not made of ice cream!
Ross Geller: Hey look, Phoebe. I, uh, I laid out the states geographically...
Phoebe Buffay: No, no, we don't really have time for this right now. Okay, we have to keep Chandler away from my bedroom.
Ross Geller: Yeah, but, but look what I'm...
Phoebe Buffay: See, this is exactly what we do not have time for.
Chandler Bing: Where's Monica?
Ross Geller: Um, in Phoebe's room. You can't go in there.
Chandler Bing: Why not?
Ross Geller: Monica's crying. She's very upset about this whole Clunkers thing.
Chandler Bing: Well, I, I should go in there.
Ross Geller: No. No, no. She doesn't want to see you right now.
Chandler Bing: Why not?
Ross Geller: Because you sent away the dog!
Chandler Bing: This is ridiculous.
Ross Geller: Oh, is it? Is it? Look, when Monica and I were kids, we had a dog named Rover. And, uh, one day, my dad decides, he doesn't like dogs. So Monica and her friend...Phyllis...take away the dog. And that was the last time we ever saw him. Don't you see? This is just like that. Only with a few details changed.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, I'm in my sweat pants. Bring on the food! What's the matter?
Chandler Bing: Monica's all upset, because I sent Clunkers away.
Joey Tribbiani: So? Bring the dog back, you're a hero.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I can be a hero, I could do that. I could, I could do... I, w-w-what if, what if it attacks me?
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler, it's like a big gerbil.
Chandler Bing: And that doesn't scare you?
Joey Tribbiani: Ross, you need some help?
Ross Geller: From you? Yes, please!
Joey Tribbiani: First of all, Utah? Dude, you can't just make stuff up!
Ross Geller: I hate America! When I finish this game, I swear I am moving.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Tag's still talking to the police.
Rachel Green: Yeah, ohh! Why, damnit, why did I open my mouth? I have a crush on you; I am attracted to you. Gee, I-I know that I freaked him out
Joey Tribbiani: If you said it like that, you probably did, yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, is Chandler here?
Chandler Bing: No, no he went for a walk.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, but you cannot tell him... but look whose back!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh No-no-no-no-no-no-no! He went over to Ross' to bring the dog back here!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, the dog's not going to be there!
Joey Tribbiani: You think?
Monica Geller: Hi, honey.
Chandler Bing: Please, please, please, don't be mad at me.
Monica Geller: What? Why, why would...
Phoebe Buffay: Shh, wait and see. Maybe we will, maybe we won't.
Chandler Bing: Okay, I went over to Ross' apartment to bring back Clunkers. Y'know, for you, and... I left the door open and she must have gotten out and I looked everywhere, all over the apartment, including the roof, which FYI Ross, one of your neighbors, growing weed. I couldn't find him, and I am so, so, so, sorry. But I do know where we could all go ease the pain.
Phoebe Buffay: We have good news, look whose back!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Chandler Bing: Clunkers?! Oh my god!
Monica Geller: That's right, she came back all by herself.
Phoebe Buffay: It's a Thanksgiving miracle!
Chandler Bing: It is so good to see you!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, she came all the way back from Ross' building. Oh, the things she must have seen! And then she climbed up the fire escape and she tapped on the window with her teeny little paw and then we ran to let her in... I went to far, didn't I? When should I have stopped?
Ross Geller: Okay, maybe this is so hard, because there aren't 50 states. Let me tell you something, I have 49 states, and there are no more! I-I think, I should be able to eat something.
Chandler Bing: It's up to you.
Rachel Green: Oh, hi! How are you doing?
Tag Jones: I'm okay. I gotta go down to the police station and look at mug shots.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Tag Jones: Thanks for having me over, you guys.
Ross Geller: Tag? Y-You're going? Uh we didn't, uh we didn't get the chance to talk. Uh, so, where did you say you're from again?
Tag Jones: Colorado.
Ross Geller: Ah, what good are you.
Rachel Green: Look, um, I think we should talk about what happened on the terrace.
Tag Jones: Okay.
Rachel Green: Ah, I-I never should have said what I said. It-y'know what? It just doesn't matter how I feel. I mean we work together, so nothing could really ever happen between us, and what I would love is just to go to work on Monday, and-and never talk about this again, okay? Big day Monday lots to do. So, we're okay?
Tag Jones: Um, I'm not.
Rachel Green: Oh, god, I know it, that I freaked you out.
Tag Jones: No, you didn't. The only thing that freaked me out was you saying that nothing could ever happen between us.
Rachel Green: Really?
Tag Jones: Yeah, so, please don't fire me for doing this.
Rachel Green: Okay, well, that's one less thing we have to do on Monday.
Ross Geller: Delaware! Delaware!
Chandler Bing: All right.
Ross Geller: I want my turkey now!
Chandler Bing: You got it. You got Nevada twice.
Ross Geller: I know.
Chandler Bing: Yeah.