Monica Geller: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!
Joey Tribbiani: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!
Chandler Bing: All right Joey, be nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
Phoebe Buffay: Wait, does he eat chalk?
Phoebe Buffay: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!
Monica Geller: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.
Chandler Bing: Sounds like a date to me.
Chandler Bing: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.
Everyone: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
Chandler Bing: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.
Joey Tribbiani: Instead of...?
Chandler Bing: That's right.
Joey Tribbiani: Never had that dream.
Phoebe Buffay: No.
Chandler Bing: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.
Monica Geller: And they weren't looking at you before?!
Chandler Bing: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!
Ross Geller: Hi.
Joey Tribbiani: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
Monica Geller: Are you okay, sweetie?
Ross Geller: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...
Chandler Bing: Cookie?
Monica Geller: Carol moved her stuff out today.
Joey Tribbiani: Ohh.
Monica Geller: Let me get you some coffee.
Ross Geller: Thanks.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh! Oh!
Ross Geller: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe Buffay: Fine! Be murky!
Ross Geller: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica Geller: No you don't.
Ross Geller: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!
Joey Tribbiani: And you never knew she was a lesbian...
Ross Geller: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?
Chandler Bing: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... Did I say that out loud?
Ross Geller: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.
Monica Geller: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what? A wrong number?
Ross Geller: Sorry.
Joey Tribbiani: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
Joey Tribbiani: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!
Ross Geller: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!
Chandler Bing: And I just want a million dollars!
Monica Geller: Rachel?!
Rachel Green: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!
Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?
Monica Geller: De-caff. Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?
Rachel Green: Hi, sure!
Ross Geller: Hi.
Monica Geller: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
Rachel Green: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.
Monica Geller: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Rachel Green: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue...
Monica Geller: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.
Chandler Bing: Tuna or egg salad? Decide!
Ross Geller: I'll have whatever Christine is having.
Rachel Green: Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!
Phoebe Buffay: If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off.
Chandler Bing: Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants.
Joey Tribbiani: I say push her down the stairs.
Rachel Green: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!
Ross Geller: You can see where he'd have trouble.
Rachel Green: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
Monica Geller: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica...
Rachel Green: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!
Monica Geller: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things...
Phoebe Buffay: Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with string. These are a few...
Rachel Green: I'm all better now.
Phoebe Buffay: I helped!
Monica Geller: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole, 'hat' thing.
Joey Tribbiani: And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.
Monica Geller: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day!
Joey Tribbiani: What, like there's a rule or something?
Chandler Bing: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.
Paul the Wine Guy: It's, uh, it's Paul.
Monica Geller: Oh God, is it 6:30? Buzz him in!
Joey Tribbiani: Who's Paul?
Ross Geller: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?
Monica Geller: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?
Ross Geller: He finally asked you out?
Monica Geller: Yes!
Chandler Bing: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.
Monica Geller: Rach, wait, I can cancel...
Rachel Green: Please, no, go, that'd be fine!
Monica Geller: Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?
Ross Geller: That'd be good...
Monica Geller: Really?
Ross Geller: No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!
Phoebe Buffay: What does that mean? Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot?
Monica Geller: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. ... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.
Everyone: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Monica Geller: Okay, umm-umm, I'll just-I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah...
Ross Geller: A wandering?
Monica Geller: Change! Okay, sit down. Two seconds.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Paul!
Paul the Wine Guy: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red.
Monica Geller: Shut up, Joey!
Ross Geller: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?
Rachel Green: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!
Ross Geller: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.
Chandler Bing: Yes, and we're very excited about it.
Rachel Green: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long day.
Ross Geller: Okay, sure.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
Phoebe Buffay: Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love...is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la- Thank you. La-la-la-la...ohhh!
Ross Geller: I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here.
Chandler Bing: It's a beautiful thing.
Joey Tribbiani: What's this?
Chandler Bing: I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.
Joey Tribbiani: Which goes where?
Chandler Bing: I have no idea.
Joey Tribbiani: Done with the bookcase!
Chandler Bing: All finished!
Ross Geller: This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here.
Chandler Bing: Yes, please don't spoil all this fun.
Joey Tribbiani: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?
Ross Geller: You guys.
Chandler Bing: Oh, God.
Joey Tribbiani: You got screwed.
Chandler Bing: Oh my God!
Monica Geller: Oh my God!
Paul the Wine Guy: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?
Monica Geller: My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?
Paul the Wine Guy: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her-
Monica Geller: -leg?
Paul the Wine Guy: That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch.
Monica Geller: You actually broke her watch? Wow! The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel.
Paul the Wine Guy: Ooh, steer clear of you.
Monica Geller: That's right.
Rachel Green: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me. And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance too...
Ross Geller: I'm divorced! I'm only 26 and I'm divorced!
Joey Tribbiani: Shut up!
Chandler Bing: You must stop!
Ross Geller: That only took me an hour.
Chandler Bing: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point!
Ross Geller: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her...
Joey Tribbiani: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
Ross Geller: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler Bing: Stay out of my freezer!
Paul the Wine Guy: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...
Monica Geller: What?... What, you wanna spell it out with noodles?
Paul the Wine Guy: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation.
Monica Geller: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?
Paul the Wine Guy: Isn't there?
Monica Geller: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were you gonna say?
Paul the Wine Guy: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. ...Sexually.
Monica Geller: Oh God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry...
Paul the Wine Guy: It's okay...
Monica Geller: I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Um... how long?
Paul the Wine Guy: Two years.
Monica Geller: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch!
Paul the Wine Guy: So you still think you, um... might want that fifth date?
Monica Geller: ...Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Priest On Tv: We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony.
Rachel Green: Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! That's the difference!
Ross Geller: Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you?
Joey Tribbiani: Great story! But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea-Angela-Andrea... Oh man,
Chandler Bing: Angela's the screamer, Andrea has cats.
Joey Tribbiani: Right. Thanks. It's June. I'm outta here.
Ross Geller: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask?
Rachel Green: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life.
Chandler Bing: That is amazing.
Joey Tribbiani: Congratulations.
Rachel Green: Y'know, I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do.
Chandler Bing: If can invade Poland, there isn't anything I can't do.
Joey Tribbiani: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something... Although actually I'm really not that hungry...
Monica Geller: Oh good, Lenny and Squigy are here.
Everyone: Morning. Good morning.
Paul the Wine Guy: Morning.
Joey Tribbiani: Morning, Paul.
Rachel Green: Hello, Paul.
Chandler Bing: Hi, Paul, is it?
Paul the Wine Guy: Thank you! Thank you so much!
Monica Geller: Stop!
Paul the Wine Guy: No, I'm telling you last night was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness.
Monica Geller: We'll talk later.
Paul the Wine Guy: Yeah. Thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date?
Monica Geller: Shut up, and put my table back.
Everyone: Okayyy!
Chandler Bing: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference...
Rachel Green: So, like, you guys all have jobs?
Monica Geller: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I'm an actor.
Rachel Green: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?
Joey Tribbiani: I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
Monica Geller: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the little theater in the park.
Joey Tribbiani: Look, it was a job all right?
Chandler Bing: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'
Joey Tribbiani: I will not take this abuse.
Chandler Bing: You're right, I'm sorry. "Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..."
Joey Tribbiani: You should both know, that he's a dead man. Oh, Chandler?
Monica Geller: So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.
Rachel Green: I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.
Monica Geller: I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco?
Rachel Green: Oh, yeah.
Monica Geller: Well, it's like that. With feelings.
Rachel Green: Oh wow. Are you in trouble.
Monica Geller: Big time!
Rachel Green: Want a wedding dress? Hardly used.
Monica Geller: I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.
Rachel Green: Oh, look, wish me luck!
Monica Geller: What for?
Rachel Green: I'm gonna go get one of those job things.
Franny: Hey, Monica!
Monica Geller: Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida?
Franny: You had sex, didn't you?
Monica Geller: How do you do that?
Franny: Oh, I hate you, I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through Parrot Jungle and you're having sex! So? Who?
Monica Geller: You know Paul?
Franny: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul.
Monica Geller: You mean you know Paul like I know Paul?
Franny: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.
Joey Tribbiani: Of course it was a line!
Monica Geller: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that?
Ross Geller: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'.
Monica Geller: I hate men! I hate men!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, don't hate, you don't want to put that out into the universe.
Monica Geller: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?
Phoebe Buffay: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet.
Monica Geller: I just thought he was nice, y'know?
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!
Rachel Green: Guess what?
Ross Geller: You got a job?
Rachel Green: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.
Chandler Bing: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel Green: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off!
Chandler Bing: Oh, how well you know me...
Rachel Green: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!
Monica Geller: How'd you pay for them?
Rachel Green: Uh, credit card.
Monica Geller: And who pays for that?
Rachel Green: Um... my... father.
Rachel Green: Oh God, come on you guys, is this really necessary? I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want.
Monica Geller: C'mon, you can't live off your parents your whole life.
Rachel Green: I know that. That's why I was getting married.
Phoebe Buffay: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.
Rachel Green: Thank you.
Phoebe Buffay: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
Ross Geller: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'...
Monica Geller: All right, you ready?
Rachel Green: No. No, no, I'm not ready! How can I be ready? "Hey, Rach! You ready to jump out the airplane without your parachute?" Come on, I can't do this!
Monica Geller: You can, I know you can!
Rachel Green: I don't think so.
Ross Geller: Come on, you made coffee! You can do anything!
Ross Geller: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,...
Everyone: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut...
Rachel Green: Y'know what? I think we can just leave it at that. It's kinda like a symbolic gesture...
Monica Geller: Rachel! That was a library card!
Everyone: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..
Chandler Bing: Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.
Monica Geller: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it!
Monica Geller: Well, that's it You gonna crash on the couch?
Ross Geller: No. No, I gotta go home sometime.
Monica Geller: You be okay?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. What?
Monica Geller: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody.
Ross Geller: Mmm. Oh, no-
Rachel Green: Sorry-
Ross Geller: No no no, go-
Rachel Green: No, you have it, really, I don't want it-
Ross Geller: Split it?
Rachel Green: Okay.
Ross Geller: Okay. You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.
Rachel Green: I knew.
Ross Geller: You did! Oh... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel Green: I did.
Ross Geller: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?
Rachel Green: Yeah, maybe...
Ross Geller: Okay... okay, maybe I will...
Rachel Green: Goodnight.
Ross Geller: Goodnight.
Monica Geller: See ya... Waitwait, what's with you?
Ross Geller: I just grabbed a spoon.
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe what I'm hearing here.
Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe what I'm hearing here...
Monica Geller: What? I-I said you had a-
Phoebe Buffay: What I said you had...
Monica Geller: Would you stop?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, was I doing it again?
Everyone: Yes!
Monica Geller: I said that you had a nice butt, it's just not a great butt.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and bit ya.
Ross Geller: There's an image.
Rachel Green: Would anybody like more coffee?
Chandler Bing: Did you make it, or are you just serving it?
Rachel Green: I'm just serving it.
Everyone: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.
Chandler Bing: Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas.
Customer: Ahh, miss? More coffee?
Rachel Green: Ugh. Excuse me, could you give this to that guy over there? Go ahead. Thank you. Sorry. Okay, Las Vegas.
Chandler Bing: Okay, so, I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza Minelli-


Monica Geller: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, right!...Y'serious?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah!
Rachel Green: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Monica Geller: Absolutely.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross Geller: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler Bing: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
Rachel Green: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Joey Tribbiani: ...Are we still talking about sex?
Ross Geller: No, it's good, it is good, it's just that- mm- doesn't she seem a little angry?
Marsha: Well, she has issues.
Ross Geller: Does she.
Marsha: He's out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet!
Ross Geller: Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? They have issues like 'Gee, that glacier's getting kinda close.' See?
Marsha: Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife?
Ross Geller: No. No.
Marsha: Yes, it is. Carol! Hi!
Ross Geller: Okay, okay, yes, it is. How about I'll, uh, catch up with you in the Ice Age.
Ross Geller: Hi.
Carol Willick: So.
Ross Geller: You look great. I, uh... I hate that.
Carol Willick: Sorry. You look good too.
Ross Geller: Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands erect... So what's new? Still, uh...
Carol Willick: A lesbian?
Ross Geller: Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's the family?
Carol Willick: Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh-
Ross Geller: Why- why are you here, Carol?
Carol Willick: I'm pregnant.
Ross Geller: Pregnant?!
Chandler Bing: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.
Phoebe Buffay: ...Then I've already seen this one!
Monica Geller: Are you through with that?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down.
Monica Geller: Whose little ball of paper is this?!
Chandler Bing: Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and... ...now I wish I was dead.
Phoebe Buffay: She's already fluffed that pillow... Monica, you know, you've already fluffed that- -but, it's fine!
Monica Geller: Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna give them any more ammunition than they already have.
Chandler Bing: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow.
Phoebe Buffay: Monica- Hi! Um, Monica, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and twirly. And not-not in a good way.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, calm down. You don't see Ross getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come.
Monica Geller: That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong. Y'see, he's the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born.
Chandler Bing: Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew!
Monica Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster!
Everyone: Eeaagh!
Rachel Green: Has anybody seen my engagement ring?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, it's beautiful.
Rachel Green: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh God...
Phoebe Buffay: No, look, don't touch that!
Rachel Green: Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to him... 'Hi Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front of your entire family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it so much harder...
Monica Geller: Easy Rach, we'll find it. Won't we!
Joey Tribbiani: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last?
Phoebe Buffay: Doy! Probably right before she lost it!
Chandler Bing: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days...
Rachel Green: I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with...
Chandler Bing: ...Dinah?
Rachel Green: Ohhhhh, don't be mad...
Monica Geller: You didn't.
Rachel Green: Oh, I am sorry...
Monica Geller: I gave you one job!
Rachel Green: Oh, but look how straight those noodles are!
Chandler Bing: Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagne...
Monica Geller: I just... can't do it.
Chandler Bing: Boys? We're going in.
Ross Geller: ...Hi.
Monica Geller: Wow. That is not a happy hi.
Ross Geller: Carol's pregnant.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh! I found it!
Monica Geller: W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-...
Ross Geller: Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right about now.
Chandler Bing: Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon?
Rachel Green: Well now, how-how do you fit into this whole thing?
Ross Geller: Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved, but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.. basically it's entirely up to me.
Phoebe Buffay: She is so great! I miss her.
Monica Geller: What does she mean by 'involved'?
Chandler Bing: I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done.
Ross Geller: Anyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogram thing with them tomorrow.
Rachel Green: So what are you gonna do?
Ross Geller: I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father.
Joey Tribbiani: ...Well, this is still ruined, right?
Judy Geller: Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is gonna call you. Mmm! What's that curry taste?
Monica Geller: Curry.
Judy Geller: Mmmm!
Ross Geller: I- I think they're great! I, I really do.
Ross Geller: Do you remember the Ludwins? The big one had a thing for you, didn't she?
Judy Geller: They all had a thing for him.
Ross Geller: Aw, Mom...
Monica Geller: I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call me?
Judy Geller: Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking, or food, or... I don't know. Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant-
Monica Geller: No Mom, I don't have a restaurant, I work in a restaurant.
Judy Geller: Well, they don't have to know that...
Monica Geller: Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Judy Geller: Oh, we're having spaghetti! That's... easy.
Monica Geller: I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, but, were you planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some of the heat off me.
Judy Geller: What that Rachel did to her life... We ran into her parents at the club, they were not playing very well.
Ross Geller: I'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding... but forty thousand dollars is a lot of money!
Judy Geller: Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar...
Monica Geller: What's that supposed to mean?
Judy Geller: Nothing! It's an expression.
Monica Geller: No it's not.
Ross Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're independent, and you always have been! Even when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were just fine! And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles...
Ross Geller: Look, there are people like Ross who need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer.
Ross Geller: ...And I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank God 'Our Little Harmonica' doesn't seem to have that problem.
Monica Geller: So, Ross, what's going on with you? Any stories? No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks?
Ross Geller: Okay! Okay. Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.
Judy Geller: And you knew about this?!
Joey Tribbiani: Your folks are really that bad, huh?
Ross Geller: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done.
Monica Geller: Boy, I know they say you can't change your parents,... boy, if you could- -I'd want yours.
Ross Geller: Must pee.
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, it's even worse when you're twins.
Rachel Green: You're twins?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered, driven career type.
Chandler Bing: What does she do?
Phoebe Buffay: She's a waitress.
Rachel Green: All right, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now.
Monica Geller: Chandler, you're an only child, right? You don't have any of this.
Chandler Bing: Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents actually preferred.
Rachel Green: The lights, please..
Ross Geller: ...How long was I in there?
Rachel Green: I'm just cleaning up.
Ross Geller: D'ya.. uh.. d'ya need any help?
Rachel Green: Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks!
Ross Geller: Anyway.. um.. So, you- uh- you nervous about Barry tomorrow?
Rachel Green: Oh.. a little..
Ross Geller: Mm-hmm..
Rachel Green: A lot.
Ross Geller: Mm.
Rachel Green: So, got any advice? Y'know, as someone who's recently been- dumped?
Ross Geller: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN...
Rachel Green: Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow.. When did it get so complicated?
Ross Geller: Got me.
Rachel Green: Remember when we were in high school together?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet somone, fall in love- and that'd be it? ..Ross?
Ross Geller: Yes, yes!
Rachel Green: Oh! Man, I never thought I'd be here..
Ross Geller: Me either...
Ross Geller: Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work. There was this big dinosaur.. thing.. anyway.
Susan Bunch: Hi.
Carol Willick: Ross, you remember Susan.
Ross Geller: How could I forget?
Susan Bunch: Ross.
Ross Geller: Hello, Susan. Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we're just waiting for...?
Carol Willick: Dr. Oberman.
Ross Geller: ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he-
Susan Bunch: She.
Ross Geller: -she, of course, she- uh- familiar with our.. special situation?
Carol Willick: Yes, and she's very supportive.
Ross Geller: Okay, that's great. No, I'm- Oh.
Carol Willick: Thanks.
Ross Geller: Quack, quack..
Carol Willick: Ross? That opens my cervix.
Rachel Green: Barry?
Barry Farber: C'mon in.
Rachel Green: Are you sure?
Barry Farber: Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours.
Robbie: Huh?!
Barry Farber: So, how ya doin?
Rachel Green: I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great!
Barry Farber: Yeah, well..
Bernice: Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein's gagging.
Barry Farber: Be right there. Be back in a sec.
Rachel Green: I dumped him.
Robbie: Okay.
Ross Geller: So, um- so how's this, uh, how's this gonna work? Y'know, with us? Y'know, when, like, important decisions have to be made?
Carol Willick: Give me a 'for instance'.
Ross Geller: Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how about with the, uh, with the baby's name?
Carol Willick: Marlon-
Ross Geller: Marlon?!
Carol Willick: -if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl.
Ross Geller: ...As in Mouse?
Carol Willick: As in my grandmother.
Ross Geller: Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse. Um, how about, um.. how about Julia?
Carol Willick: Julia..
Susan Bunch: We agreed on Minnie.
Ross Geller: 'S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches. I believe Julia's on the table..?
Barry Farber: Sorry about that. So. What have you been up to?
Rachel Green: Oh, not much. I-I got a job.
Barry Farber: Oh, that's great.
Rachel Green: Why are- why are you so tanned?
Barry Farber: Oh, I, uh- I went to Aruba.
Rachel Green: Oh no. You went on our honeymoon alone?
Barry Farber: No. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt.
Robbie: Me?!
Barry Farber: No! I went with Mindy.
Rachel Green: Mindy?! My maid of honour, Mindy?!
Barry Farber: Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now.
Rachel Green: Oh! Well, um.. You've got plugs!
Barry Farber: Careful! They haven't quite taken yet.
Rachel Green: And you've got lenses! But you hate sticking your finger in your eye!
Barry Farber: Not for her. Listen, I really wanted to thank you.
Rachel Green: Okay..
Barry Farber: See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. And I'm an orthodontist.
Rachel Green: Wow.
Barry Farber: You know, you were right? I mean, I thought we were happy. We weren't happy. But with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit.
Rachel Green: What?
Robbie: Me.
Rachel Green: Anyway, um, I guess this belongs to you. And thank you for giving it to me.
Barry Farber: Well, thank you for giving it back.
Robbie: Hello?!
Susan Bunch: Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen?
Ross Geller: Helen Geller? I don't think so.
Carol Willick: Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller.
Ross Geller: Thank you!
Carol Willick: No, I mean it's not Geller.
Ross Geller: What, it's gonna be Helen Willick?
Carol Willick: No, actually, um, we talked about Helen Willick-Bunch.
Ross Geller: Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the title?
Susan Bunch: It's my baby too.
Ross Geller: Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember you making any sperm.
Susan Bunch: Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is!
Carol Willick: All right, you two, stop it!
Ross Geller: No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in there too.
Carol Willick: Ross. You're not actually suggesting Helen Willick-Bunch-Geller? 'Cause I think that borders on child abuse.
Ross Geller: Of course not, I'm... suggesting Geller-Willick-Bunch.
Susan Bunch: Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he's doing? He knows no-one's gonna say all those names, so they'll wind up calling her Geller, then he gets his way!
Ross Geller: My way?! You-you think this is my way? Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this moment in my life being, this is not my way- y'know what? Uh, um, this is too hard. I'm not, I can't do-
Dr. Oberman: Knock knock!How are we today? Any nausea?
Everyone: Yeah. Yeah. A little.
Dr. Oberman: Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing. Uh, lie back..
Ross Geller: You- uh- y'know what, I'm gonna go. I don't- I don't think I can be involved in this particular thing right now.
Ross Geller: Oh my God.
Susan Bunch: Look at that.
Carol Willick: I know.
Ross Geller: Well? Isn't that amazing?
Joey Tribbiani: What are we supposed to be seeing here?
Chandler Bing: I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.
Phoebe Buffay: You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato.
Ross Geller: Then don't do that, alright?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay!
Ross Geller: Monica. Whaddya think?
Monica Geller: Mm-hmm.
Ross Geller: Wh- are you welling up?
Monica Geller: No.
Ross Geller: You are, you're welling up.
Monica Geller: Am not!
Ross Geller: You're gonna be an aunt.
Monica Geller: Oh shut up!
Rachel Green: Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now.


Phoebe Buffay: Hi guys!
Everyone: Hey, Pheebs! Hi!
Ross Geller: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?
Phoebe Buffay: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!'
Everyone: Ohh. Ouch.
Rachel Green: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right?
Monica Geller: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'.
Rachel Green: Since when?
Joey Tribbiani: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'.
Chandler Bing: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'.
Phoebe Buffay: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.
Rachel Green: And everybody knows this?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Cushions the blow.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.
Ross Geller: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.
Monica Geller: Uh, Ross.
Ross Geller: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- ...Oh my God, Chi Chi!
Chandler Bing: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?"
Joey Tribbiani: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die."
Chandler Bing: Hey, that was really good!
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks! Let's keep going.
Chandler Bing: Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?"
Joey Tribbiani: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke."
Chandler Bing: "Smoke away."
Chandler Bing: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Chandler Bing: Relax your hand!
Chandler Bing: Not so much!
Joey Tribbiani: Whoah!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Alright, now try taking a puff.
Chandler Bing: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.
Joey Tribbiani: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.
Chandler Bing: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.
Chandler Bing: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.
Joey Tribbiani: Y'miss it?
Chandler Bing: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. Oh.. my.. God.
Monica Geller: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.
Joey Tribbiani: That's ridiculous!
Ross Geller: Can I use.. either thumb?
Rachel Green: Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!
Everyone: Yeah. Yeah, excellent.
Rachel Green: Good for me!
Joey Tribbiani: Y'okay, Phoebe?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank.
Monica Geller: What did they do to you?
Phoebe Buffay: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-
Ross Geller: Easy.
Phoebe Buffay: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.
Chandler Bing: Oh, Satan's minions at work again...
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.
Joey Tribbiani: What are you talking about? Keep it!
Phoebe Buffay: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing.
Rachel Green: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'...
Monica Geller: We're with you. We got it.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.
Rachel Green: Chandler, what are you doing?
Monica Geller: Hey. Whaddya doing?
Everyone: Oh! Oh, God!
Ross Geller: What is this?!
Chandler Bing: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!
Chandler Bing: And this- is my reward!
Ross Geller: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.
Chandler Bing: Okay, so this time I won't quit!
Everyone: Ohhh! Put it out!
Chandler Bing: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!
Monica Geller: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date.
Rachel Green: This Alan again? How's it goin'?
Monica Geller: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun.
Joey Tribbiani: So when do we get to meet the guy?
Monica Geller: Let's see, today's Monday... Never.
Everyone: Oh, come on! Come on!
Monica Geller: No. Not after what happened with Steve.
Chandler Bing: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.
Monica Geller: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out.
Rachel Green: Well, then can we meet him?
Monica Geller: Nope. Schhorry.
Monica Geller: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd.
Paula: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you.
Monica Geller: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked.
Paula: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..
Joey Tribbiani: Let it go, Ross.
Ross Geller: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.
Monica Geller: Do you all promise?
Everyone: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!
Monica Geller: Chandler? Do you promise to be good?
Joey Tribbiani: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!
Ross Geller: Hey, Pheebs.
Phoebe Buffay: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!
Rachel Green: What bank is this?
Monica Geller: Hey. It's him. Who is it?
Alan: It's Alan.
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler! He's here!
Monica Geller: Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me.
Monica Geller: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.
Alan: Hi.
Everyone: Hi, Alan.
Alan: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!
Monica Geller: Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?
Monica Geller: C'mon!
Ross Geller: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him.
Everyone: Loved him! Yeah! He's great!
Monica Geller: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?
Everyone: Yeah!
Rachel Green: And did you notice...?
The Guys: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!
Ross Geller: ...What shoe?
Phoebe Buffay: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'
Ross Geller: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.
Rachel Green: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it.
Monica Geller: Really!
Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhoff impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right?
Ross Geller: You know what I like most about him, though?
Everyone: What?
Ross Geller: The way he makes me feel about myself.
Everyone: Yeah...
Monica Geller: Hi.. how was the game?
Ross Geller: Well..
Everyone: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!
Monica Geller: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?
Joey Tribbiani: Alan.
Ross Geller: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-...
Rachel Green: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.
Chandler Bing: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball..
Monica Geller: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes..
Ross Geller: What?
Monica Geller: ..I dunno, a little too Alan?
Rachel Green: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan.
Ross Geller: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.
Chandler Bing: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, Lizzie.
Lizzy: Hey, Weird Girl.
Phoebe Buffay: I brought you alphabet soup.
Lizzy: Did you pick out the vowels?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you.
Lizzy: Saltines?
Phoebe Buffay: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?
Lizzy: What? Oh my God, there's really money in here.
Phoebe Buffay: I know.
Lizzy: Weird Girl, what are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.
Lizzy: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, that's fine, no.
Lizzy: Would you like my tin-foil hat?
Phoebe Buffay: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks.
Lizzy: Please, let me do something.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay?
Lizzy: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Lizzy: Keep the change. Sure you don't wanna pretzel?
Phoebe Buffay: No, I'm fine.
Lizzy: See ya.
Phoebe Buffay: Huh!
Ross Geller: A thumb?!
Everyone: Eww!
Phoebe Buffay: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!
Chandler Bing: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?
Phoebe Buffay: Does, um, anyone wanna see?
Everyone: Nooo!
Everyone: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out!
Rachel Green: It's worse than the thumb!
Chandler Bing: Hey, this is so unfair!
Monica Geller: Oh, why is it unfair?
Chandler Bing: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?
Joey Tribbiani: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?
Rachel Green: Well, I-I could live without it.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?
Ross Geller: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, "you do, do you"?
Ross Geller: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
Rachel Green: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
Rachel Green: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.
Monica Geller: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?
Paula: No.
Monica Geller: Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like.
Paula: Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through!
Monica Geller: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing.
Paula: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him!
Monica Geller: I know.. it's gonna be really hard.
Paula: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.
Monica Geller: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about.
Joey Tribbiani: Do you have any respect for your body?
Ross Geller: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself?
Chandler Bing: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.
Rachel Green: Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you.
Chandler Bing: Really? He does? Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks!
Rachel Green: God, he's good.
Ross Geller: If only he were a woman.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.
Ross Geller: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch.
Monica Geller: Hey. Where's Joey?
Chandler Bing: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?
Rachel Green: I think he's across the hall.
Monica Geller: Thanks.
Ross Geller: There y'go.
Chandler Bing: Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.
Ross Geller: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?
Phoebe Buffay: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?
Ross Geller: Hey, I might!
Phoebe Buffay: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.
Everyone: You're kidding. Oh my God.
Phoebe Buffay: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?!
Joey Tribbiani: What's going on?
Monica Geller: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together.
Joey Tribbiani: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear..
Rachel Green: Uh, Joey..
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, God!
Monica Geller: Okay..
Everyone: Oh! That was Lambchop!
Monica Geller: Please, guys, we have to talk.
Phoebe Buffay: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not.
Monica Geller: Alright, we have to talk.
Phoebe Buffay: There it is!
Monica Geller: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan.
Ross Geller: Is there somebody else?
Monica Geller: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change.
Rachel Green: We didn't change..
Joey Tribbiani: So that's it? It's over? Just like that?
Phoebe Buffay: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I-
Monica Geller: Look, I- I could go on pretending-
Joey Tribbiani: Okay!
Monica Geller: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you!
Ross Geller: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were.
Monica Geller: I'm sorry..
Chandler Bing: Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!
Rachel Green: I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-
Monica Geller: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans.
Everyone: Oh, yeah! Right!
Monica Geller: Are you guys gonna be okay?
Ross Geller: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time.
Monica Geller: I understand.
Alan: Wow.
Monica Geller: I'm, I'm really sorry.
Alan: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved.
Monica Geller: Relieved?
Alan: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand your friends.
Rachel Green: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun.
Ross Geller: Yeah. He could row like a viking.
Monica Geller: Hi.
Everyone: Mmm.
Ross Geller: So how'd it go?
Monica Geller: Oh, y'know..
Phoebe Buffay: Did he mention us?
Monica Geller: He said he's really gonna miss you guys.
Ross Geller: You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere.
Chandler Bing: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes.
Everyone: No no no!
Chandler Bing: I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!
Phoebe Buffay: If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, alright.


Monica Geller: Alright. Phoebe?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs!
Ross Geller: Yeah, see.. you took mine. Chandler, what about you?
Chandler Bing: Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever.
Rachel Green: See, there's always one guy. "If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes."
Everyone: Hey Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy.
Monica Geller: Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey Tribbiani: Probably kill myself!
Monica Geller: ..Excuse me?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live!
Ross Geller: Joey, uh- OMnipotent.
Joey Tribbiani: You are? Ross, I'm sorry..
Monica Geller: How does she do that?
Ross Geller: I cannot sleep in a public place.
Monica Geller: Would you look at her? She is so peaceful.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! What what what! ...Hi.
Ross Geller: It's okay, y'know, you just nodded off again.
Monica Geller: What's going on with you?
Phoebe Buffay: I got no sleep last night!
Ross Geller: Why?
Phoebe Buffay: My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to reassure each other that they're having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are!
Monica Geller: Well, if you want, you can stay with Rachel and me tonight.
Phoebe Buffay: Thanks.
Joey Tribbiani: ...Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.
Chandler Bing: You got waaaay too much free time.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Here's the birthday boy! Ross, check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you.
Chandler Bing: Happy birthday, pal!
Joey Tribbiani: We love you, man.
Ross Geller: Funny, my birthday was seven months ago.
Joey Tribbiani: So?
Ross Geller: So, I'm guessing you had an extra ticket and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a date?
Chandler Bing: Well, aren't we Mr. "The glass is half empty."
Ross Geller: Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth, October twentieth?
Monica Geller: Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't remember.
Ross Geller: Ohhh.
Joey Tribbiani: What's wrong with the twentieth?
Chandler Bing: Eleven days before Halloween.. all the good costumes are gone?
Ross Geller: Today's the day Carol and I first.. consummated our physical relationship. Sex. ..You know what, I-I'd better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
Joey Tribbiani: The hell with hockey, let's all do that!
Chandler Bing: C'mon, Ross! You, me, Joey, ice, guys' night out, c'mon, whaddya say, big guy, Huh? Huh? Huh?
Ross Geller: What are you doing?
Chandler Bing: I have no idea.
Joey Tribbiani: C'mon, Ross!
Ross Geller: Alright, alright, maybe it'll take my mind off it. Do you promise to buy me a big thumb finger?
Chandler Bing: You got it.
Rachel Green: Look-look-look-look-look, my first pay check! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi, me!
Phoebe Buffay: I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.
Monica Geller: Wow, you worked in a mine?
Phoebe Buffay: I worked in a Dairy Queen, why?
Rachel Green: God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what- Chandler, look at that.
Chandler Bing: Oh, this is not that bad.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you're fine, yeah, for a first job.
Ross Geller: You can totally, totally live on this.
Monica Geller: Yeah, yeah.
Ross Geller: Oh, by the way, great service tonight.
Everyone: Oh! Yeah!
Guys: Hockey! Hockey! Hockey.
Leslie: Rachel?
Rachel Green: Oh my God!
Monica Geller: I swear I've seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom.
Rachel Green: What are you guys doing here?
Kiki: Well, we were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here, aaand it's true!
Joanne: Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play.
Rachel Green: Look at you, you are so big I can't believe it!
Leslie: I know. I know! I'm a duplex.
Rachel Green: So what's going on with you?
Joanne: Well, guess who my dad's making partner in his firm?
Kiki: And while we're on the subject of news..
Phoebe Buffay: Look, look, I have elbows!
Chandler Bing: ...Poulet passes it up to Leetch!
Joey Tribbiani: Leetch spots Messier in the crease- there's the pass!
Chandler Bing: We'll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes.
Ross Geller: Carol was wearing boots just like those the night that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh- she never took'em off, 'cause we-we- Sorry. Sorry.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Ross Geller: Peach pit.
Chandler Bing: Yes, Bunny?
Ross Geller: Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had-
Joey Tribbiani: -Peaches?
Ross Geller: Actually, nectarines, but basically...
Chandler Bing: Could've been a peach.
Ross Geller: Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I walked her to the- -the bus stop... I'm fine.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's! What? Thought we were trying to find stuff.
Rachel Green: So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt!
Kiki: Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at the altar!
Joanne: Alright. Let's talk reality for a second.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Joanne: When are you coming home?
Rachel Green: What? Guys, I'm not.
Joanne: C'mon, this is us.
Rachel Green: I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've got this job-
Kiki: Waitressing?
Rachel Green: Okay, I'm not just waitressing. I'm.. I, um... I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies.
Leslie: Well. Your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies.
Monica Geller: Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends? Okay! How would you like some Tiki Death Punch?
Rachel Green: What's that?
Monica Geller: Weeeell, it's rum, and-
Rachel Green: Okay.
Monica Geller: We thought since Phoebe was staying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got Twister...
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation! But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy!
Monica Geller: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel Green: Oh, God, ask them what they want.
Monica Geller: Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? Yes, hold on. Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account.
Rachel Green: But I haven't used my card in weeks!
Monica Geller: That is the unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay.
Rachel Green: They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay, okay?
Monica Geller: Uh- Rachel has left the building, can you call back?
Rachel Green: Alright, c'mon! Let's play Twister!
Ross Geller: Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh.
Chandler Bing: What? There was ice there that night with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans?
Ross Geller: No, actually I was just saying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that night... It was the first frost...
Joey Tribbiani: C'mon, sit. Just sit down, sit.
Monica Geller: You should feel great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independence thing!
Rachel Green: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what?
Phoebe Buffay: You are just like Jack.
Rachel Green: ...Jack from downstairs?
Phoebe Buffay: No, Jack and the Beanstalk.
Monica Geller: Ah, the other Jack.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village..
Rachel Green: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't love him-
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.
Rachel Green: But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just kinda like...
Phoebe Buffay: Floopy?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Monica Geller: So what, you're not the only one. I mean, half the time we don't know where we're going. You've just gotta figure at some point it's all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be... un-floopy.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, like that's a word.
Rachel Green: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it doesn't come together?
Monica Geller: ...Pheebs?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well... 'cause... you just... I don't like this question.
Rachel Green: Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are.. beans?
Ross Geller: Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal!
Chandler Bing: See buddy, that's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.
Ross Geller: Pass it! Pass it!
Chandler Bing: He's open!
Everyone: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
Chandler Bing: Hey, look, we're on that TV thing!
Chandler Bing: 'Scuse me.
Receptionist: It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm not completely satisfied.
Chandler Bing: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room.
Receptionist: Hold on. Fill these out, sit over there.
Ross Geller: Look, I don't wanna make any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here, alright? My face is dented.
Receptionist: Well, you'll have to wait your turn.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, how long do you think it'll be?
Receptionist: Any minute now.
Ross Geller: Hey, this- Heyy...
Rachel Green: I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to bring you down.
Monica Geller: No, you were right. I don't have a plan.
Pizza Guy: Pizza guy!
Rachel Green: Thank God. Food.
Monica Geller: Phoebe?
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Monica Geller: Do you have a plan?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't even have a 'pl'.
Pizza Guy: Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green pepper and onion?
Rachel Green: No, no, that's not what we ordered... We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese.
Pizza Guy: Wait, you're not 'G.Stephanopoulos?' Man, my dad's gonna kill me!
Monica Geller: Wait! Did you say 'G.Stephanopoulos?'
Pizza Guy: Yeah. This one goes across the street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead!
Monica Geller: Wait, was this a-a small mediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks?
Pizza Guy: Yeah, that sounds about right.
Monica Geller: Was he wearing a stunning blue suit?
Phoebe Buffay: And-and a power tie?
Pizza Guy: No, pretty much just a towel.
Monica Geller: Oh God.
Pizza Guy: So you guys want me to take this back?
Monica Geller: Are you nuts?! We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza!
Rachel Green: Uh, Pheebs? Who's George Snuffalopagus?
Phoebe Buffay: Big Bird's friend.
Monica Geller: I see pizza!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see!
Rachel Green: Hello? Who are we spying on?
Monica Geller: White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt?
Rachel Green: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him!
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman.
Monica Geller: Please tell me it's his mother.
Phoebe Buffay: Definitely not his mother.
Monica Geller: Oh, no...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza- Hey, that's not for you, bitch!
Chandler Bing: Excuse me, look, we've been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with? Oh, c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I know we both said some things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still don't love each other. Y'know, I feel like I've lost her.. Ba-!
Monica Geller: Light still out?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Monica Geller: Oh. Maybe they're- napping.
Rachel Green: Oh please, they're having sex.
Rachel Green: So, whaddya think George is like?
Monica Geller: I think he's shy.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah?
Monica Geller: Yeah. I think you have to draw him out. And then- when you do- he's a preppy animal.
Ross Geller: I remember the moonlight coming through the window- and her face had the most incredible glow.
Chandler Bing: Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillers over here, please?
Joey Tribbiani: He's right, enough, already. What is the big deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, so what? You slept with her for seven years after that.
Ross Geller: Look, it's just a little more complicated...
Chandler Bing: Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?
Ross Geller: Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you...
Chandler Bing: Then what?
Ross Geller: My first time with Carol was...
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Ross Geller: It was my first time.
Joey Tribbiani: With Carol? Oh.
Chandler Bing: So in your whole life, you've only been with one oh.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake! There was a whole bunch of stuff we could've done tonight!
Monica Geller: Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember that vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh.
Monica Geller: Well, unless goose is a vegetable...ha haaaah!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley.
Monica Geller: What?! You slept with Jason?
Phoebe Buffay: You'd already broken up.
Rachel Green: How long?
Phoebe Buffay: A couple hours.
Monica Geller: Oh, that's nice!
Rachel Green: Okay, okay, okay, I got one! Anyway- The valentine Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me.
Monica Geller: Excuse me?!
Rachel Green: Hello? Like he was really gonna send you one? She was a big girl.
Monica Geller: Really. Well, at least 'big girls' don't pee in their pants in seventh grade!
Rachel Green: I was laughing! You made me laugh!
Phoebe Buffay: There he is! There he is!
Monica Geller: Where?
Phoebe Buffay: Right- where we've been looking all night!
Rachel Green: He is so cute!
Monica Geller: Oh, George, baby, drop the towel!
Everyone: Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel! Please drop the wowww.
Joey Tribbiani: Man. Can you believe he's only had sex with one woman?
Chandler Bing: I think it's great. Y'know, it's sweet, it's romantic...
Joey Tribbiani: Really?
Chandler Bing: No, you kidding? The guy's a freak..
Both: Hey, buddy.
Ross Geller: Hi.
Receptionist: Oh, that's attractive.
Chandler Bing: Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight.
Ross Geller: Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's my puck?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, ah- the kid has it.
Ross Geller: The kid...? Excuse me, uh, that's, that's my puck.
Kid: I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers.
Chandler Bing: You gotta do it, man.
Ross Geller: Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever can't do it. Listen, uh- gimme back my puck.
Kid: No.
Ross Geller: 'Yes', how about. C'mere. Gimme!
Kid: No! No!
Receptionist: Hey! Hey! No rough holding in my ER!
Ross Geller: GIVE ME MY PUCK!!
Ross Geller: ...Now that was fun.
Ross Geller: Okay, Monica: Right foot red.
Monica Geller: Could've played Monopoly, but nooooo.
Chandler Bing: Thanks.
Ross Geller: Okay, Pheebs: Right hand blue. Good.
Chandler Bing: Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel Green: Oh, okay. Will you take my place?
Chandler Bing: Alright. Yes, this is Rachel.
Rachel Green: Nooo! Hello? Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I haven't been using it much. Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay, really.
Ross Geller: Green. To the green.
Rachel Green: I've got magic beans. Never-never mind.
Chandler Bing: To the left, to the left- aww!
Rachel Green: Ohhh... I'm fine.


Monica Geller: Would you let it go? It's not that big a deal.
Ross Geller: Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, you just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?
Rachel Green: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.
Chandler Bing: We can? All right, I'm tryin' that.
Joey Tribbiani: Ok, you know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want. You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, ok, you know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things, and then not even care.
Ross Geller: Multiple orgasms!
Chandler Bing: So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night!
Joey Tribbiani: No plans, huh?
Chandler Bing: Not a one.
Ross Geller: Not even, say, breaking up with Janice?
Chandler Bing: Oh, right, right, shut up.
Monica Geller: Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. You just gotta do it.
Chandler Bing: No, I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean, you're sitting there with her, she has no idea what's happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, and there's the horrible awkward moment when you've handed her the note.
Joey Tribbiani: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man, just stop calling.
Phoebe Buffay: You know, if you want, I'll do it with you.
Chandler Bing: Oh, thanks, but I think she'd feel like we're gangin' up on her.
Phoebe Buffay: No, I mean you break up with Janice and I'll break up with Tony.
Ross Geller: Tony?
Monica Geller: Oh, you're breaking up with Tony?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, you know? I don't know if it's me, or his hunger strike, or, I don't know.
Rachel Green: Does anybody want anything else?
Ross Geller: Oh, yeah, last week you had a wonderful, nutty, chocolatey kind of a cakey pie thing. Nothing, just, just, I'm fine.
Phoebe Buffay: What's the matter? Why so scrunchy?
Rachel Green: It's my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes convertible.
Ross Geller: That guy, he burns me up.
Rachel Green: Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move back home. Oh, it was horrible. He called me young lady.
Chandler Bing: Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that.
Monica Geller: Did he give you that whole "You're-not-up-to-this" thing again?
Rachel Green: Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got the extended disco version, with three choruses of "You'll never make it on your own".
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Angela Delveccio: Hi, Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: My god, Angela.
Monica Geller: Wow, being dumped by you obviously agrees with her.
Phoebe Buffay: Are you gonna go over there?
Joey Tribbiani: No, yeah, no, ok, but not yet. I don't wanna seem too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. That seems pretty cool. Hey, Angela.
Angela Delveccio: Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: You look good.
Angela Delveccio: That's because I'm wearing a dress that accents my boobs.
Joey Tribbiani: You don't say.
Ross Geller: So, uh, Rachel, what are you, uh, what're you doing tonight?
Rachel Green: Oh, big glamour night. Me and Monica at Laundorama.
Ross Geller: Oh, you uh, you wanna hear a freaky coincidence? Guess who's doing laundry there too?
Rachel Green: Who?
Ross Geller: Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why don't, um, why don't I just join you both, here?
Rachel Green: Don't you have a laundry room in your building?
Ross Geller: Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building, um, but there's a... rat problem. Apparently they're attracted to the dryer sheets, and they're goin' in fine, but they're comin' out all... fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish?
Rachel Green: Sure.
Angela Delveccio: Forget it Joey. I'm with Bob now.
Joey Tribbiani: Bob? Who the hell's Bob?
Angela Delveccio: Bob is great. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. You, you go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor, but Bob...
Joey Tribbiani: Come on, we were great together. And not just at the fun stuff, but like, talking too.
Angela Delveccio: Yeah, well, sorry, Joe. You said let's just be friends, so guess what?
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Angela Delveccio: We're just friends.
Joey Tribbiani: Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go out and have dinner together tonight? You know, as friends?
Angela Delveccio: What four of us?
Joey Tribbiani: You know, you and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica.
Joey Tribbiani: Monica, I'm tellin' you, this guy is perfect for you.
Monica Geller: Forget it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on. This guy's great. His name's Bob. He's Angela's... brother. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a month and call myself an actor, but Bob is...
Monica Geller: Oh, god help us.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Monica Geller: Ugly Naked Guy's laying kitchen tile. Eww!
Joey Tribbiani: Eww! Look, I'm asking a favor here. If I do this for her brother, maybe Angela will come back to me.
Monica Geller: What's going on here? You go out with tons of girls.
Joey Tribbiani: I know, but, I made a huge mistake. I never should have broken up with her. Will you help me? Please?
Ross Geller: Ok, bye. Well, Monica's not coming, it's just gonna be me and Rachel.
Chandler Bing: Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure you've thought this thing through?
Ross Geller: It's laundry. The thinking through is minimal.
Chandler Bing: It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date.
Ross Geller: Nuh-uh.
Chandler Bing: Yuh-huh.
Ross Geller: So what're you saying here? I should shave again, pick up some wine, what?
Chandler Bing: Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the first time she's gonna see your underwearyou want it to be dirty?
Ross Geller: No.
Chandler Bing: Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?
Ross Geller: Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What, it says I'm a sensitive, warm kinda guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick something else up on the way.
Chandler Bing: There you go.
Monica Geller: Thank you. So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall? Short?
Joey Tribbiani: Yep.
Monica Geller: Which?
Joey Tribbiani: Which what?
Monica Geller: You've never met Bob, have you?
Joey Tribbiani: No, but he's...
Monica Geller: Oh my god, Joey, for all we know this guy could be horribly...
Angela Delveccio: Hey, Joey.
Monica Geller: ...horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now.
Chandler Bing: Where are they? Where are they?
Phoebe Buffay: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.
Chandler Bing: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.
Phoebe Buffay: Eww, I don't wanna do that.
Chandler Bing: Here we go.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, have a good break-up.
Chandler Bing: Hey, Janice.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me. I had the most supremely awful day.
Chandler Bing: Hey, that's not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please?
Janice Litman Goralnik: We got the proofs back from that photo shoot, you know, the one with the little vegetables. Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, I blew off the rest of the day, and I went shopping... ... and I got you, I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking, I got you...
Chandler Bing: What?
Janice Litman Goralnik: What?
Chandler Bing: What... did you get me there?
Janice Litman Goralnik: I got you...these.
Chandler Bing: Bullwinkle socks. That's so sweet.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured, you know, you can wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and Rocky,or, you can mix and match, moose and squirrel. Whatever you want.
Chandler Bing: That's great.
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm gonna get another espresso. Can I get you another latte?
Janice Litman Goralnik: No, no, I'm still working on mine.
Chandler Bing: That's it?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, it was really hard.
Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, you weren't there.
Woman: Comin' through. Move, move.
Rachel Green: Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that machine.
Woman: Yeah, well, now you're kinda not.
Rachel Green: But I saved it. I put my basket on top.
Woman: Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds.
Rachel Green: What?
Woman: No suds, no save. Ok?
Ross Geller: What's goin' on?
Rachel Green: Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman just took my machine.
Ross Geller: Was your basket on top?
Rachel Green: Yeah, but, there were no suds.
Ross Geller: So?
Rachel Green: Well, you know, no suds, no save.
Ross Geller: No suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. That's my friend's machine.
Woman: Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn't in it.
Ross Geller: Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you know it.
Ross Geller: All right, show's over. Nothing to see here. Ok, let's do laundry.
Rachel Green: That was amazing. I can't even send back soup.
Ross Geller: Well, that's because you're such a sweet, gentle, uh...Do you, uh, do you...Oh, hey, uh you must need detergent.
Rachel Green: What's that?
Ross Geller: Uberveiss. It's new, it's German, it's extra-tough.
Ross Geller: Rach, do you uh, are you gonna separate those?
Rachel Green: Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pants?
Ross Geller: Rach, have you never done this before?
Rachel Green: Well, not myself, but I know other people that have. Ok, you caught me. I'm a laundry virgin.
Ross Geller: Uh, well, don't worry, I'll use the gentle cycle. Ok, um, basically you wanna use one machine for all your whites, a whole nother machine for colors, and a third for your uh, your uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and your under-panty things.
Rachel Green: Ok, Well, what about these are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites or delicates?
Ross Geller: Uh, that, that, that would be a judgment call.
Monica Geller: He is so cute. So, where did you guys grow up?
Angela Delveccio: Brooklyn Heights.
Bob: Cleveland.
Monica Geller: How, how did that happen?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my god.
Monica Geller: What?
Joey Tribbiani: I suddenly had the feeling that I was falling. But I'm not.
Joey Tribbiani: So, you and Angela, huh?
Bob: Yep. Pretty much.
Joey Tribbiani: You're a lucky man. You know what I miss the most about her? That cute nibbly noise when she eats. Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel.
Bob: Huh, I never really noticed.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it.
Bob: Monica, Monica is great.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, but it's not gonna last. She's too much for me in bed. Sexually.
Monica Geller: I've gotta tell you, Bob is terrific.
Angela Delveccio: Yeah, isn't he?
Monica Geller: It is so great to meet a guy who is smart and funny, and has an emotional age beyond, like eight.
Angela Delveccio: You know what else? He's unbelievable in bed.
Monica Geller: Wow. My brother never even told me when he lost his virginity.
Angela Delveccio: Huh. That's nice.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, you can do this. It's just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed.
Chandler Bing: Janice. Hi, Janice. Ok, here we go. I don't think we should go out anymore. Janice.
Janice Litman Goralnik: All right. Well, there you go. Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Rachel Green: Ok, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, you know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn't anything I can't do.
Ross Geller: That does not sound stupid to me. You know, it's like the first time I had to make dinner for myself, after Carol left me? I'm sorry, that's all the time we have. Next on Ross... Uh-oh.
Rachel Green: What uh-oh?
Ross Geller: Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry's done. It's, uh, it's a song. The laundry song that we sing. Uh-oh the laundry's done, uh-oh, uh-oh.
Rachel Green: Ross, what's the matter?
Ross Geller: Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done.
Rachel Green: Come on, show me.
Ross Geller: All right, all right, it's just that you left a red sock in with all your whites, and now, everything's kinda pink.
Rachel Green: Oh, everything's pink.
Ross Geller: Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. I'm sorry, please don't be upset, it could happen to anyone.
Rachel Green: Except it didn't. It happened to me. Oh, god, I'm gonna look like a big marshmallow peep. What am I doing? What am I doing? My father's right. I can't live on my own! I can't even do laundry!
Monica Geller: Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn't get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just thinking... how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, uh, Joey, could we check it in the light, please?
Monica Geller: Oh my god.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Monica Geller: Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like... cocktails in Appalachia.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on, they're close.
Monica Geller: Close? She's got her tongue in his ear.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, like you've never gotten a little rambunctious with Ross.
Monica Geller: Joey, this is sick, it's disgusting, it's, it'snot really true, is it?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, who's to say what's true? I mean...
Monica Geller: Oh my god, what were you thinking?
Joey Tribbiani: All right, look, I'm not proud of this, ok? Well, maybe I am a little.
Monica Geller: Oh!
Joey Tribbiani: Ow!
Monica Geller: I'm outta here.
Joey Tribbiani: Wait, wait, wait. You want him, I want her. He likes you.
Monica Geller: Really?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. I'm thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us, we can break them up.
Monica Geller: I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did this, but I couldn't stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here.
Chandler Bing: Here's the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it's like we're different. I'm like the bing, bing, bing. You're like the boom, boom, ... boom.
Janice Litman Goralnik: Ow!
Chandler Bing: Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?
Janice Litman Goralnik: Ow. Um, it's just my lens. It's just my lens. I'll be right back.
Chandler Bing: I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the eye! This is the worst break-up in the history of the world.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my god. How many of those have you had?
Chandler Bing: Oh, I don't know, a million?
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, easy, easy. Go to your happy place. La la la la la la la.
Chandler Bing: I'm fine.
Phoebe Buffay: All right.
Chandler Bing: I'm not fine. Here she comes.
Phoebe Buffay: Wait here. Breathe.
Chandler Bing: How do you do that?
Phoebe Buffay: It's like a gift.
Chandler Bing: We should always always break up together.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'd like that.
Ross Geller: You got the clothes clean. Now that's the important part.
Rachel Green: Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now.
Rachel Green: Whoa, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart.
Woman: Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. You lose things. Now come on, get outta my way.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry, you know, maybe I wasn't being clear. Uh, this is our cart.
Woman: Hey, hey, hey there aren't any clothes in it.
Rachel Green: Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules!
Woman: Let go!
Rachel Green: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it!
Rachel Green: Yes! Did you see that?
Ross Geller: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen.
Rachel Green: I could not have done this without you.
Ross Geller: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? I'm fine, I'm fine.
Rachel Green: Are you sure?
Ross Geller: No.
Rachel Green: Oh, are you sure you're ok?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Does it still hurt?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: What a neat idea. All your clothes match. I'm gonna do this.
Monica Geller: Hi.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, how'd it go?
Joey Tribbiani: Excellent.
Monica Geller: We ripped that couple apart, and kept the pieces for ourselves.
Ross Geller: What a beautiful story. Hey, I'm fine by the way.
Monica Geller: Oh, I'm sorry.
Rachel Green: Where's Chandler?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, he needed some time to grieve.
Chandler Bing: I'm free! I'm free!
Phoebe Buffay: That oughta do it.