Ross Geller: Happy birthday!!!
Monica Geller: Happy birthday!!!
Everyone: Rach! Come on! Rach!
Monica Geller: It's your birthday!
Tag Jones: Hey.
Chandler Bing: She's not as pretty as she was when she was 29.
Tag Jones: Ms. Green would like to establish some ground rules before she comes out. She would appreciate it if you don't use the words old or downhill or they still look pretty damn good.
Joey Tribbiani: They do!
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel! Come on out! Monica made breakfast!
Monica Geller: Chocolate-chip pancakes!
Ross Geller: We've got presents!
Rachel Green: Good ones?
Monica Geller: They all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago.
Rachel Green: Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29?
Joey Tribbiani: Come on Rach! Look, turning thirty is not that big a deal.
Ross Geller: Oh really. Is that how you felt when you turned thirty?
Joey Tribbiani: Why God?!! Why?!! We had a deal!! Let the others grow old! Not me!!
Rachel Green: Y'know, I'm still 29 in Guam.
Ross Geller: Hey, 30 is not that old! Do you know how old the Earth is?
Rachel Green: Late thirties? Oh come on you guys! Is it just me? Am I overreacting to this?
Chandler Bing: No Rach, it's not just you. My thirtieth birthday certainly wasn't that much fun.
Joey Tribbiani: And now Chandler! We're all gettin' so old! Why are you doing this to us?!
Monica Geller: Rach, you're in a great place in your life. Come on, you've got a great job! Good friends...
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you're roommate is a soap opera star.
Rachel Green: Look, y'know I know my life's going pretty well, but I look around and I just see so many people who've accomplished so many other goals by the time they're thirty.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but you shouldn't compare yourself to me.
Everyone: Come on Phoebe! You can do it Phoebe! Come on!
Rachel Green: There you go!
Phoebe Buffay: I did it! One mile on a hippity-hop! That's it!! That's everything I wanted to do before I was thirty. Oh, except I wanted to patch things up with my sister. But oh well. Yay!! And-and girls this thing is a Godsend if you know what I mean.
Rachel Green: Thirty. Ugh, I mean thirty! Monica, do you remember mean, old Mrs. Kreeger in the fifth grade? She was thirty!
Tag Jones: Come on, let's have some fun. Huh? What do you want to do today?
Rachel Green: Nothing. I don't want to do anything.
Monica Geller: Well, doing nothing on your thirtieth is better than doing something stupid, like Ross.
Ross Geller: Hey! That was a practical purchase! I needed that car for transportation! Okay? I-I have a child!
Ross Geller: How hot do I look in this, huh?!
Chandler Bing: Ross, a sports car? Wouldn't it have been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?
Ross Geller: That's not what this is about okay? I-I am a sports car enthusiast. I have always been into cars.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, what's the horsepower on this thing?
Ross Geller: I don't know, but-but look how shiny!
Monica Geller: I can't believe you bought this.
Rachel Green: Really! God Ross, what were you thinking? I know it's really shallow, but a part of me wants him again.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well get in line missy. So, can I have a ride stud?
Ross Geller: Hop in. Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life.
Ross Geller: Damnit!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, who's next?
Rachel Green: Y'know what? I am going to do something today. I'm not just gonna sit around like some old lady. I'm gonna get something pierced. Like my uh, like my nose or my tongue or something.
Phoebe Buffay: Really?! 'Cause y'know that hurts.
Rachel Green: So what?! Y'know what? The way I see it-Ow! Son of a bitch!!
Tag Jones: Look Rachel, I know what you're going through. I'm totally freaked about turning 25.
Rachel Green: Get out, get out of my apartment.
Monica Geller: All right Rach, for what it's worth, I think that you're doing great. I mean y'know let's face it, no one handles this well.
Phoebe Buffay: Least of all you.
Tag Jones: Why? What you'd do?
Monica Geller: Weren't you asked to leave sonny?
Chandler Bing: Would you put that back on?! Monica's gonna be here any minute!
Joey Tribbiani: But it hurt's my Joey's Apple.
Chandler Bing: Okay, for the last time. It's not named for each individual man.
Judy Geller: You've done a wonderful job with this party Chandler. Everything looks so lovely.
Chandler Bing: Oh well, not as lovely as you. I mean, I can't believe that you would have a thirty-year-old daughter! And you! I can't believe that you would have a tux that's thirty years old!
Jack Geller: It's older than that. Ross was actually conceived right near this tuxedo.
Chandler Bing: Ohh!
Rachel Green: Hey! Everybody hide! Hide! I saw her! She's coming!
Chandler Bing: Okay! Okay! Everybody down! Everybody down!
Jack Geller: Crap.
Chandler Bing: Okay, everybody stay here. I will find out what's going on.
Monica Geller: Heyyy!! You got the door open!!
Chandler Bing: Hey-hey are you drunk?
Monica Geller: Nooo! Okay. Whoa! Okay. See I was, I was a little nervous about turning thirty. So the bus boys took me out for some drinks. I wanna puke on you later!
Chandler Bing: Okay, here is the thing. We have thrown a very formal surprise party for you in there! All of your friends are in there and your parents!
Monica Geller: Noo!!!
Chandler Bing: Yes!
Monica Geller: Noo!!
Chandler Bing: Yes!!
Monica Geller: Oh no! My parents have never seen me drunk! That they know of.
Chandler Bing: Okay, here's the thing. We're gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that you're drunk.
Monica Geller: Really?! You promise?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I'll take care of it.
Monica Geller: Okay. I love you so much.
Chandler Bing: Okay we have to do something about your breath.
Monica Geller: What about your breath?!
Chandler Bing: That's still yours. Okay, now remember it's a surprise party. So, when you go in, act surprised.
Monica Geller: Okay. I can do that.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Everyone: Surprise!!!
Ross Geller: Okay, forward. Forward-Stop! Okay, back-Stop! Okay, forward-Stop! Stop! Stop!
Monica Geller: Ross, just forget about it. This guy's got you totally wedged in.
Woman: Is this yours?
Joey Tribbiani: Well actually...
Ross Geller: No-no-no! It's mine! It's-it's mine.
Joey Tribbiani: Dude, you soooo need this car.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Okay, I'm gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of his spot. Okay? All right, here we go. Haul ass!!!!
Phoebe Buffay: Happy thirtieth birthday! Here! It's for the child in you, and the woman. Happy thirtieth!
Ursula Buffay: Right, why do you keep saying that?
Phoebe Buffay: Because it's our thirtieth birthday.
Ursula Buffay: Yeah, no we're not thirty. We're 31. Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Wait!
Ursula Buffay: Oh, it's you.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. What?!
Ursula Buffay: Yeah, we're not thirty, we're 31.
Phoebe Buffay: Nu-uh!
Ursula Buffay: Yea-huh! That's what is says on my birth certificate.
Phoebe Buffay: You have your birth certificate?
Ursula Buffay: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.
Phoebe Buffay: Our mom.
Ursula Buffay: Right! Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Do you have my birth certificate?
Ursula Buffay: No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Oh my God, we are 31.
Ursula Buffay: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: I just lost a whole year of my life.
Ursula Buffay: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Your middle name is Pamela?
Ursula Buffay: Yes.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I never knew mine. Do you remember what it is?
Ursula Buffay: Yes! Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: That's my first name.
Ursula Buffay: Right, okay, then no.
Chandler Bing: Okay before we start the celebration, Monica has to go put on her party dress.
Monica Geller: Yay!
Chandler Bing: See? Here we go.
Jack Geller: Happy birthday, sweetie! Give us a hug!
Judy Geller: Don't get up Jack! The safety pins are about to blow.
Monica Geller: Paul!
Chandler Bing: Phil.
Monica Geller: Phil!
Chandler Bing: Now, there is a dress laid out on your bed. Okay, you're doing great. You're doing great. You're doing fine.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, what's going on?
Chandler Bing: Monica's a little drunk.
Phoebe Buffay: Yay! I love drunk Monica!
Monica Geller: Awwwww...
Chandler Bing: Go change! She doesn't want her parents to know she's drunk.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh! All right! All right. Here's what we'll do, I'll get twice as drunk as Monica and then no one's will even notice her.
Rachel Green: What's-what's going on? Phil's really pissed!
Chandler Bing: Monica's wasted.
Ross Geller: Maybe that will liven up this party.
Chandler Bing: Okay, will you just go help her change please!
Rachel Green: Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Yep.
Tag Jones: This one's from me.
Rachel Green: Ahh!
Tag Jones: It wasn't on your list, but hopefully you'll think it's really fun.
Rachel Green: A scooter!
Ross Geller: Stick to the list. Always stick to the list.
Rachel Green: No! No-no, I love it. Thank you.
Chandler Bing: Okay, open ours next. Open ours next!
Rachel Green: Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Now that you're a couple, we don't get two presents from you guys?
Chandler Bing: For my last birthday you gave me a hug! Okay, read the card! Read the card!
Rachel Green: Okay. Happy birthday Grandma! It's better to be over the hill then buried under it. All our love Monica and Chandler. That's funny, yeah!
Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no! That was the joke!
Rachel Green: No, I know! I get it! It's funny!
Chandler Bing: No, because you're not a grandmother!
Rachel Green: No I know, because to be a grandmother you have to be married and have children and I don't have any of those things. That's why it's so funny.
Monica Geller: All you had to do was buy the card!
Ross Geller: Hey! Look who's back! It's the birthday girl! How's the birthday girl feeling?
Rachel Green: Well, I feel fine, but I think you're bumming out the rest of the kids.
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: Okay! Y'know what? I realized it was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids. All I really needed was a plan. See I wanna have three kids...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh let me guess, and you wanna have them all at the same time and you wanna have them for your brother.
Rachel Green: As I was saying... I should probably have the first of the three kids by the time I'm 35 which gives me five years. I love this plan! I wanna marry this plan!
Phoebe Buffay: If you could do that, I'd marry the hippity-hop.
Rachel Green: So, if I wanna have my kid when I'm 35, I don't have to get pregnant until I'm 34. Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes! Oh wait, but I do want to be married for a year before I get pregnant...
Monica Geller: Really! That long?! Look all you want, it's happening!
Rachel Green: No, so I don't have to get married until I'm 33! That's three years, that's three whole years-Oh, wait a minute though. I'll need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and I'd like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged... Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I'm thirty.
Ross Geller: Which is fine! Because you just turned-twenty-eight!
Rachel Green: No! Ross, no! It is not fine! Eh-eh-according to my plan I should already be with the guy I wanna marry!
Joey Tribbiani: Will you quit hoggin' it!
Rachel Green: I'm telling you it's like watching Bambi learn how to walk.
Ross Geller: You're drunk! Mom and dad are gonna be maaaaadd! Maybe I'm a little drunk.
Chandler Bing: Oh that's great! Right there! Can we get some of that over here please? There we go.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Are those crab cakes? Did I not tell ya to come straight to me when more crab cakes were ready?
Chandler Bing: How are you feeling?
Monica Geller: You are so handsome! I wanna make love to you right here, right now!
Ross Geller: I really wish that you wouldn't.
Chandler Bing: Now all you have to do is just get through a little bit more, okay? Then we can put you in bed, okay? Just smile and don't talk to anyone.
Phoebe Buffay: Speech! Speech! Let's hear from the birthday girl! Huh?
Chandler Bing: Pheebs!!
Phoebe Buffay: Don't you see? Everyone's looking at me! The plan's working! I didn't even have to take off my top yet!
Judy Geller: Speech! Come on Monica!
Ross Geller: Come on!
Everyone: Come on! Speech!
Jack Geller: Hey Chandler, you can't keep your hands off her for one second!
Judy Geller: Oh-ho, I think it's nice.
Chandler Bing: I think it's necessary.
Monica Geller: I-I-I wanna thank you all for coming. My family and my friends...
Phoebe Buffay: Wooo!! Hoo!!
Monica Geller: I really like to say that I'm-um... Y'know what I'd really like to say? I'm drunk!! That's right mom and dad your little Harmonica is hammered!! And guess what! I've been drunk before! And I've smoked a cigarette! And I got a box of Ding-Dongs hidden in my underwear drawer! It's all okay. It's okay because I turned thirty today. And, and I can do anything I want! Because I am a grown up.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay quick, help me get this off!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!!
Phoebe Buffay: I lost a whole year! I can't believe it! This is so unfair!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I don't know Pheebs. It'll be okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Will it? Will it?! I mean, how would you feel if you found out you were 31?
Joey Tribbiani: That's not gonna happen. No. Because we have a new deal!
Phoebe Buffay: Plus, it totally ruined my schedule! I...I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do by the time I was 31!
Joey Tribbiani: Like what?
Phoebe Buffay: Like okay I-I-I, I haven't met any Portuguese people! I, I haven't had the perfect kiss! And I haven't been to sniper's school!
Monica Geller: Phoebe, y'know why don't we just go upstairs and have some birthday cake?
Phoebe Buffay: No, I just feel like being by myself for a while. All right? I'll see you guys later. Thanks.
Rachel Green: Hey. Oh, poor Pheebs.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, y'know what you guys? I think I'm gonna go walk her home.
Monica Geller: Oh man!
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: He's gonna eat the cake!
Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs! Wait up! Listen uh, close your eyes. Maybe that's one thing you can cross off your list.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, and plus I'm 1/16th Portuguese.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh!
Ross Geller: Okay, is everybody clear? We're gonna pick it up...and move it. Now all we need is teamwork, okay? We're gonna lift the car...and slide it out. Lift and slide!
Rachel Green: Ross, I really don't think...
Ross Geller: Lift!! And slide!
Chandler Bing: Okay, here we go.
Ross Geller: All right everyone, lift! And slide!!
Rachel Green: Hey Joey, can I...
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, come on Rach! My turn just started!
Rachel Green: Actually, I just wanna talk to Tag.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Okay. Hey, can I ride this outside?
Rachel Green: Whatever! Okay, I'm not your mother.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay!
Rachel Green: Not in the street!!
Joey Tribbiani: Yes!
Rachel Green: Hi.
Tag Jones: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hey.
Tag Jones: How are you doing? Are you feeling any better?
Rachel Green: Yeah, I'm doing okay. I'm um...let's talk.
Tag Jones: Okay.
Rachel Green: Umm...
Tag Jones: What's up?
Rachel Green: Ohh Tag, umm...you're such a great guy and we have sooo much fun together but I don't-I don't...
Tag Jones: Wait! I think I see where you're going, but before you say anything else, can I just say one more thing?
Rachel Green: Well said. And a uh good example of the fun I was referring to uhh, but I just think I'm past the point where I think I can y'know, just have fun.
Tag Jones: Rachel, don't do this. This is just because you're turning thirty.
Rachel Green: Yeah, it is! But you're just a kid! I mean you're 25!
Tag Jones: Twenty-four actually.
Rachel Green: Oh God! Y'know what I wish? I wish you were six years older. Well actually, if I'm wishin' for stuff, I actually wish I was six years younger.
Tag Jones: Me too.
Rachel Green: Yeah, I'm sorry.
Chandler Bing: Hey! How'd it go?
Rachel Green: Oh, if I only want two kids, can I keep him for another year?
Phoebe Buffay: You did the right thing.
Joey Tribbiani: I don't like this anymore.
Chandler Bing: Well, here we are, just a bunch of thirty year olds.
Ross Geller: God, do you realize in ten years we're gonna be 40?
Joey Tribbiani: Why God?! Why are you doing this to us?!
Ross Geller: Yes! My baby's finally free!
Joey Tribbiani: All-all right! Start it up! Let's go!
Ross Geller: Woohoo!
The Man In The Sportscar: How hot are we?
Ross Geller: You wanna buy a car?
Joey Tribbiani: No.


Monica Geller: I'm glad you're here, we have a couple of things to ask you about the wedding ceremony.
Rachel Green: Ohh...
Ross Geller: What's the matter? You okay?
Rachel Green: Yeah, it's just y'know...
Chandler Bing: Monica said wedding.
Monica Geller: Uh, so anyway, we thought one of you could read something during the ceremony.
Rachel Green: Oh! I would love to read a poem.
Chandler Bing: Do you think you could get through a poem?
Rachel Green: It'll be a short one.
Monica Geller: Okay, so Ross will be doing the reading.
Rachel Green: Ohhh...
Ross Geller: Okay. Yeah, I guess, I guess I could do that too.
Chandler Bing: Too?
Ross Geller: Yeah, I kind of uh, have something else planned for you guys.
Monica Geller: Do you mind telling us what it is?
Ross Geller: Sorry, I'm kinda keeping this one on the Q.T.
Chandler Bing: Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Everyone: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and...
Monica Geller: What is DOOL?
Joey Tribbiani: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, you're not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!!
Everyone: Oh!!
Chandler Bing: That's great!
Joey Tribbiani: And-and-and not only that, I'm gettin' a new brain!!
Chandler Bing: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!
Rachel Green: Wait, what do you mean you're getting a new brain?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh well, they're killing off one of the characters on the show, and when she dies her brain is being transplanted into my body.
Ross Geller: What? A brain transplant?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yes, it's a highly controversial procedure.
Ross Geller: It's ridiculous!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I think it's ridiculous that you haven't had sex in three and a half months.
Ross Geller: It's winter, they are fewer people on the street.
Monica Geller: Who are they killing off?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh Cecilia Monroe, she plays Jessica Lockhart.
Monica Geller: She's my favorite character on DOOL.
Joey Tribbiani: Nice.
Rachel Green: She is so good at throwing drinks in people's faces, I mean I don't think I've ever seen her finish a beverage.
Monica Geller: And the way she slaps all the time!
Rachel Green: Oh!
Monica Geller: Wouldn't you love to do it just once?!
Chandler Bing: Don't do it.
Rachel Green: Cecilia Monroe man, what a great actress.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, tell me about it. And she's been on the show forever, it's gonna be really hard to fill her shoes.
Ross Geller: Yeah-yeah, help me out here, when you come out of the "brain transplant," you are going to be her?
Joey Tribbiani: Yes, but in Drake Remoray's body. Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist!
Phoebe Buffay: Rach, so, that guy there. Straight or gay?
Rachel Green: Well, I'd have to say gay.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? Why?
Rachel Green: Well mainly because he's kissing that other guy.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no not that guy there. That guy right there.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah he's too cute to be straight.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh knockers will help us figure it out.
Rachel Green: All right, straight, and not subtle.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, he left his cell phone.
Rachel Green: Oh, well, we can hand it to Gunther and he'll put it in lost and found.
Phoebe Buffay: Or we could use it to call China. See how those guys are doing.
Rachel Green: What if, um, if he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it and I answer and we start talking and we fell in love. I mean wouldn't that be a great story? Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah... That does sound great. I'm going to get the phone.
Rachel Green: What? Wait! Why...why do you get the story?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. I haven't been out on a date in so long.
Rachel Green: Phoebe, you had a date three days ago.
Phoebe Buffay: That wasn't a date! That was, that was just friends getting together... having sex.
Rachel Green: Okay. Okay, see? I get the phone.
Phoebe Buffay: No way! No way! You just broke with Tag a week ago.
Rachel Green: Yeah! And until now, I didn't think I'd love again.
Phoebe Buffay: Nice try.
Rachel Green: Oh hey-hey wait! How do we fairly decide who gets the phone?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know.
Rachel Green: Well umm, maybe we could uhh... Ah-ha! Too slow!!
Phoebe Buffay: Ah-ha! Too cocky!
Dina: I'm going to keep dating him Mother, and there's nothing you can do about it!
Jessica Lockhart: Oh yes there is!
Dina: What are you going to do? Kill him? Like you did with Charles?!
Jessica Lockhart: That was an accident! And so were you.
Dina: Well, at least I'm not a murderer!
Jessica Lockhart: Oh, my baby!
The Director: Cut!
Joey Tribbiani: That was a great scene! And-and-and that slap looks so real! How do you do that?
Cecilia: Oh, just years of experience.
Dina: Can I get some ice here?!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh anyway, I just wanted to say how wonderful I think you are.
Cecilia: You're not the fan who's dying are you?
Joey Tribbiani: Say what?
Cecilia: I'm supposed to meet and hug a fan whose dying, but that's not supposed to be until later!
Joey Tribbiani: No. No, I'm Joey Tribbiani; we did a scene together yesterday. I-I'm the guy in the coma!
Cecilia: Oh that was a real person?!
Joey Tribbiani: An-an-anyway I-I just wanted to say that since I'm getting your brain when you leave the show, I was wondering if there was any tips you can give me...
Cecilia: I-I-I'm leaving the show?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. Why? Did you hear something?
Cecilia: Who told you that?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh uh, one of the writers.
Cecilia: Which one? Was it bald or was it tall?
Joey Tribbiani: Umm...
Cecilia: Y'know what? It doesn't matter! Because it is not true!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Cecilia: And if it were true, how dare you come to me ask me for tips about a character that I've been playing for 20 years-I'll give you a tip!
Joey Tribbiani: Ms. Monroe... Oh there you go.
Rachel Green: No Phoebe! You cannot get the phone that way; that's not fair! Okay look, I have an idea. Why don't we, why don't we see what kind of number he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And then whoever does gets the phone.
Phoebe Buffay: Or, we can decide by whose ever name is closer to the word phone.
Rachel Green: I don't think so.
Phoebe Buffay: Fine all right, but I'd bet you'd be singing another tune if we were fighting over a ratchet.
Rachel Green: All right, first name on the speed dial is mom.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, I lost my mom to suicide.
Rachel Green: Okay no way, you cannot use that to get the cute guy and the last blueberry muffin.
Phoebe Buffay: Did I use that already today? I'm sorry.
Rachel Green: Yes okay. Well now see this isn't telling us anything. Joe. Carlos. Peter. Ooh! Peter Luger! T hat's a steak house!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, a meat eater. Fine, that's one for you.
Rachel Green: Oh, I win! He's got Barney's on his speed dial.
Phoebe Buffay: So you don't know that's Barney's the store! That can be y'know his friend's house, or a bar. Who has Barney's the store on their speed dial?
Rachel Green: His new girlfriend!
Monica Geller: What is that?
Chandler Bing: I think it's the dying cat parade.
Monica Geller: It sounds like it's coming from across the street.
Chandler Bing: Oh my God!
Monica Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: Y'know that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?! He was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, "You're half Scottish right?"
Monica Geller: Nooo!!
Chandler Bing: Yes!!
Monica Geller: No, there is no way! It can not be Ross! Unbelievable! Why is your family Scottish?!
Chandler Bing: Why is your family Ross?!
Monica Geller: He cannot play at our wedding! I mean everyone will leave! I mean come on, that is just noise! It's not even a song!
Chandler Bing: If you listen very carefully, I think its Celebration by Cool and the Gang.
Rachel Green: Hi Pheebs!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi!
Rachel Green: How are ya?
Phoebe Buffay: Good.
Rachel Green: Umm Pheebs, remember when we were in the coffee house we decided that I was going to keep the uh, the cute guy's cell phone?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Rachel Green: And remember how I said I was going to keep it in my purse so that if it rang I could just pick it up?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah!
Rachel Green: And do you remember going into my purse and stealing the phone?!
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, now you lost me.
Rachel Green: You stole the phone!
Phoebe Buffay: No I didn't!
Rachel Green: No? So you're saying that if I called it, it wouldn't ring?
Phoebe Buffay: No.
Rachel Green: Umm, okay. But while you dial, let me show you the features of my new ringing handbag. Oh, it does work!
Rachel Green: Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: That is a different phone.
Rachel Green: Oh is it?! Uhh, hello? Yes hi, is Rachel there? Yes she is, just one moment please. It's for me!
Phoebe Buffay: That is damning evidence.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! I bet that's him. My digital fairy tale is about to begin. I wonder how I should be? Should I be uh Hello? Or should I be Hi! It's Rach... Would you stop doing that?!
Phoebe Buffay: Hello? Yes, I'm the one who found your phone.
Rachel Green: Phoebe! You can't do th...
Phoebe Buffay: Shhh! I'm on a call! Umm well yeah, you can pick it up tonight, say 8:30? At-at my apartment. It's umm, it's umm 5 Morton Street, Apartment 14, umm and then maybe y'know after we can grab a bite to eat or whatever. Okay, well okay I'll see you then. Bye.
Rachel Green: You do know that I will be here when he comes over.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh? And how will you know what time to come over?
Rachel Green: You just said it!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Okay, well I-I was kinda hoping that I would just...be alone y'know to think about my mom and her suicide.
Rachel Green: Oh Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: What?! That's the first time today!
Rachel Green: Ohh!
Joey Tribbiani: So you like the nachos uh? Myself I'm partial to...
Dina: I'm 16.
Joey Tribbiani: See you in 2003.
Cecilia: You're absolutely right they are writing me out of the show. They don't know exactly when it's going to happen, but apparently going to be very soon and that's it.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm so sorry. Look, if it was up to me you would never leave the show.
Cecilia: Yeah, thanks.
Joey Tribbiani: No I mean it! I can't believe they would do this to you! And to your fans! I mean they are going to be devastated! Heart broken! They love you so much!
Cecilia: Oh you're right. Thank you! What's your name again?
Joey Tribbiani: Joey.
Cecilia: Joey, well thank you. That is so sweet. Oh, excuse me.
The Writer: It wasn't my decision!
Cecilia: I'm having a conversation here! You were saying?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh yeah-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-l-l-l-l-l-look the-the-the only reason that I, that I came up to you before was because well, I'm really nervous about-about being you. Y'know if you can help me capture the essence of the character. Y'know? Help me keep Jessica alive. Please?
Cecilia: All right Joey, I will help you. Not because I-I owe it to this stupid show, but because I owe it to Jessica.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh that's great! Oh thank you so much!
Cecilia: You're so welcome.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Now, I've been watching some tapes, how's this? "Jessica Lockhart will never step foot in this place again! Ever!!"
Cecilia: Is that supposed to be me?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Cecilia: Yeah but Jessica doesn't have an English accent.
Joey Tribbiani: I can do an English accent?! That baby's going on my resume!
Chandler Bing: Well, I feel like a snack!
Monica Geller: Do you want some shortbread? Eh that's Scottish like you are.
Chandler Bing: Oh no thanks. I don't like any thing from my Scottish heritage.
Ross Geller: What?!
Chandler Bing: Well it's just my entire family was run out of Scotland by...Vikings. Anyway, lots of bad memories.
Ross Geller: Oh well, it sounds to me like your family is ready to uh, rediscover its Scottish roots.
Monica Geller: No! No-no they're not. They're still very angry! But y'know Chandler is also half-Swedish. You know what the Swedish people are famous for? Sitting down and being quiet.
Ross Geller: Well yeah-yeah the Scottish history is so much more...
Monica Geller: You can not play bagpipes at the wedding!!
Ross Geller: How did you know about that?!
Chandler Bing: We heard you play all the way from your apartment!
Ross Geller: Were you the ones called the cops?!
Chandler Bing: That's not really important right now. What is important is; while we appreciate the gesture, we just don't feel bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.
Ross Geller: Why not?
Chandler Bing: Because we hate them.
Ross Geller: Come on that's not fair! I mean you haven't even heard me play!
Chandler Bing: We have heard you play.
Ross Geller: No, you've heard my practice. Okay? Just-just give me a chance to perform for you and then decide whatever you want. And I'm not going to tell you what song I'm gonna play either. But uh, let's just say when it's over I'll bet there will be a we bit o' celebration.
Cecilia: So, the essence of the character is rooted in her confidence. So, when Jessica enters a room for instance, she owns everything and every person in that room. You try.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay! All right!
Cecilia: No, he already knows that he owns everything in the room! He's not finding it out for the first time! So, try it again.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Okay.
Cecilia: Right. He's not angry at the room either. Try it again, he owns it! He owns the room. It is his. He owns, owns, owns, owns the room! He owns it!! All right, it's a little weird, but it's getting better. Oh well, I'm gonna miss this woman so much. I don't know what I'm going to do! I mean, it's been 20 years of my life.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh well-Hey-hey! Maybe, maybe uh, maybe this is a good thing. Y'know? It'll-it'll give you a chance to shake things up, play different characters. You're so talented.
Cecilia: I am. I am, but I don't know you know. An actor of a certain age is not that easy.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey that's not true! Look at uh, look at Angela Lansb-Angelina Jolie!
Cecilia: I probably should've just left years ago when the offers were pouring in, but y'know I just got so comfy here! And... Ohh, I turned down some amazing work!
Joey Tribbiani: Like-like what?
Cecilia: Well, let's just say if I left 15 years ago, the landscape of Mexican cinema would be very different today!
Joey Tribbiani: Wow!
Cecilia: But... Well now, now's a different time for me.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh hey come on, don't-don't-don't do this! Umm, look let-let me tell you something, okay? Now when I watch you do a scene, I'm thinking, "Boy, she-she is a great actress!" Uh but-but, I am also thinking, "She is hot!"
Cecilia: You think I'm hot?
Joey Tribbiani: You own the room. We should probably get-get uh...
Cecilia: Oh yeah-yeah, we should get the... So when Jessica kisses a man, she usually puts umm, both her hands on the man's face.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-yeah, I noticed that! Is that 'cause she's so passionate?
Cecilia: No! It's because that way the camera only sees her! Do you wanna try it?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Okay.
Cecilia: That was good, that was really good. But I-I think your hands maybe a little off, they should be maybe right like...
Rachel Green: Hey! Hey!
Guy: Hi! It's Tom, I'm here to pick up the phone.
Phoebe Buffay: Whoa! Why do you get to answer the door?
Rachel Green: Well why shouldn't I?!
Phoebe Buffay: Because it's my apartment!
Rachel Green: Well, then I get to give him the cell phone.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. All right. Good luck explaining all the calls to China.
Tom: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! How long were we arguing for?
Rachel Green: You're not the man who left the cell phone.
Tom: No that's my assistant.
Rachel Green: Is-is he coming?
Tom: Umm, no.
Phoebe Buffay: Could you-could you umm, give us one second?
Tom: Sure!
Rachel Green: We'll be right back sir.
Tom: Sure.
Phoebe Buffay: Wh-what do we do?
Rachel Green: I don't know!
Phoebe Buffay: Can you believe this? We were waiting for a hot guy and then an even hotter one shows up!
Rachel Green: I know! What?!
Phoebe Buffay: Hmm, they just don't make 'em like that anymore!
Rachel Green: No-no they do but, you just have to wait.
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel, listen-I mean, if you let me have him then I will really owe you one.
Rachel Green: All right. All right Phoebe I will let you have him, but you owe me; you owe me big!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! You're such a great friend!
Rachel Green: Ohh...
Tom: So, which one of you lovely ladies am I going to take to dinner huh?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh that'd be me. Sir. After you.
Tom: Okay. Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Nice!
Cecilia: Well, you certainly own that room.
Joey Tribbiani: Actually I rent the whole place and, I just got what you meant. Thank you.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Oh my God!! Ohh, Jessica Lockhart!! In my apartment!! I am such a huge fan! I am such a huge fan!
Cecilia: Well, it's nice to know that you...
Rachel Green: MONICA!!!! MONICA!!!!
Joey Tribbiani: That uh, that is my roommate Rachel.
Cecilia: Oh that explains all the women's underwear.
Joey Tribbiani: Sure. Yep.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! It's true!! Oh my God you are so amazing! Oh my God, can I just ask you to do me oh, just one favor?
Cecilia: Certainly.
Monica Geller: Would you slap me? Would you slap me right here in the face?!
Cecilia: I'd love to, but my lawyer said I can't do that anymore.
Rachel Green: God. You seem really, really nice.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, bye-bye.
Rachel Green: I mean n-not-not fake at all like most famous people.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, here we go.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Monica Geller: Oh wait, just one more thing! One more minute! Umm, you're a stupid bitch.
Cecilia: I really can't slap you.
Rachel Green: You are so beautiful.
Monica Geller: Nice to meet you! My God you're great!
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks for stopping by. See ya! I-I am so sorry. I...
Cecilia: Oh no-no-no-no, being adored. I'm used to it, don't worry about it.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God!
Cecilia: What?
Joey Tribbiani: They sent me today's script! They never send the script!
Cecilia: They don't?
Joey Tribbiani: Well no, I'm just in a coma. This must mean I have lines! Oh...
Cecilia: How does it happen?
Joey Tribbiani: Ew, you get thrown from a horse into an electric fence.
Cecilia: Ah what?! Jessica hates horses!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah well, I'm guessing after this she's not going to be crazy about electricity either.
Ross Geller: ...now remember you have to imagine me in a kilt.
Rachel Green: I can imagine you in a short plaid skirt and knee socks.
Ross Geller: Do you wanna start telling secrets?
Rachel Green: No!
Ross Geller: Now umm, remember I'm still learning.
Ross Geller: One, two, three, four!
Ross Geller: You know the song! Sing along!
Ross Geller: So?
Dina: Loosening the saddle on mother's horse was brilliant Fredrick. And the electric fence, inspired.
Fredrick: Thank you sweetheart.
Dina: I can't believe she's really gone. Look around you, all of this is ours.
Joey Tribbiani: I don't think so.
Dina: Who are you?!
Jessica Lockhart: What's the matter Dina? Don't you recognize your own mother?!
The Director: Cut! That was great everybody! Thank you!
Cecilia: That was so wonderful! Ohh, I think that you're a better Jessica than I ever was!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh noo...
Cecilia: Well of course not, but you were very good.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks!
Cecilia: And guess what? Good news! I got another job!
Joey Tribbiani: Great! Hey! All right! Well-well what is it?!
Cecilia: A film in Guadalajara!
Joey Tribbiani: The airport?
Cecilia: No that's La Guardia. This is Mexico.
Joey Tribbiani: Ohh. Wow! Well how-how, how will you be gone?
Cecilia: Eight months.
Joey Tribbiani: That's a really long time.
Cecilia: Yeah, but you can come and visit me. I bet that you could uh, own a few places down there.
Joey Tribbiani: Well I tell ya, I should probably buy a place in the city first. And I just got what you meant again-That is-I tell ya, that is a tricky one!
Cecilia: That is a tricky one. Well, Joey I really wanna thank you. You've, well you made a very difficult time for me a little less painful.
Joey Tribbiani: Good luck.
Cecilia: You too.
Ross Geller: You know the song! Sing along!
Phoebe Buffay: Eeee!!! Eee!! Eee!!
Matthew Perry: Eee!!
Lisa Kudrow: Do it again!


Ross Geller: Hi.
Rachel Green: Hi! Hi Ben!
Ben Geller: Hi.
Ross Geller: Hi, we have a little bathroom emergency.
Rachel Green: Oh, yeah go ahead.
Ross Geller: Uh, before we do uh, are any of Joey's special romance magazines in there?
Rachel Green: No. No.
Ross Geller: Okay! All clear!
Ben Geller: Thanks Phoebe!
Rachel Green: Ben, its Rachel! But whatever.
Ross Geller: Everything okay in there?
Ben Geller: Don't talk to me now!
Rachel Green: Awww, just like his daddy.
Ross Geller: Hey listen can you do me a big favor? The dean's office just called and said there was an urgent meeting. Can you watch Ben for like an hour?
Rachel Green: What-what about Monica?
Ross Geller: Oh, she isn't home.
Rachel Green: So it would just be, me alone?
Ross Geller: Well, Ben would be there.
Rachel Green: Huh umm...
Ross Geller: What's the matter?
Rachel Green: Well that-y'know it's just uh, I've never done that before. Me and him alone.
Ross Geller: Rach, he's not an ex-con.
Rachel Green: Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, what do I, what do I do with him?
Ross Geller: I don't know! Just-just talk to him-entertain him and keep him alive.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Ross Geller: Okay. Ben? Come here. All right, I'm gonna leave you here with Aunt Rachel for about an hour. Okay? Are you gonna be okay?
Rachel Green: Yeah I think so.
Ross Geller: I wasn't talking to you.
Ben Geller: I'll be okay.
Ross Geller: Okay, I'll see you soon buddy. Be back in an hour.
Ben Geller: Bye dad.
Rachel Green: Bye. Ahhh... So this is fun, huh?
Ben Geller: Not really.
Rachel Green: Okay. Uh, want something-want something to drink?
Ben Geller: Okay.
Rachel Green: Uh great! How do you feel about Diet Coke?
Ben Geller: I'm not allowed to have soda.
Rachel Green: Okay. Well that's pretty much all that we have-Oh! Oh! Have you ever had a virgin margarita?
Ben Geller: What's a virgin?
Rachel Green: Water it is.
Monica Geller: What about the second minister we meet with? I kinda liked him.
Chandler Bing: You mean the spitter?
Monica Geller: Come on! It wasn't that bad!
Chandler Bing: Easy for you to say; you'll be wearing a veil.
Monica Geller: All right, what about the third guy?
Chandler Bing: You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest?
Monica Geller: Can you blame him?
Chandler Bing: Sorry, I just don't like the idea of when I say, "I do," he's thinking, "Yeah, I'd do her too!"
Monica Geller: Well then we still have a problem.
Chandler Bing: Yeah!
Phoebe Buffay: With what?
Monica Geller: Well, we're trying to find someone to perform our wedding and they're all either boring or annoying or y'know, can't stop staring at the ladies.
Phoebe Buffay: Oo! You should have one of us do it!
Monica Geller: Phoebe, we're getting married, married; not sixth grade married.
Phoebe Buffay: No! No! It's-it's uh a real thing! Anyone can get ordained on the Internet and perform like weddings and stuff!
Monica Geller: Are you serious?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes! A friend of mine did it and it's totally legal!
Joey Tribbiani: I call it!!
Phoebe Buffay: What?! No! It was my idea!
Chandler Bing: Guys thank you very much but neither of you is marrying us.
Joey Tribbiani: Does calling it not mean anything anymore?!
Chandler Bing: We are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy! And when I say legitimate I mean, gay and in control of his saliva!
Rachel Green: Ben y'know when uh, when you were a baby, you and I used to hang out all the time. 'Cause I was, I was your daddy's girlfriend.
Ben Geller: But you're not anymore!
Rachel Green: No, I'm not.
Ben Geller: 'Cause you guys were on a break.
Rachel Green: Hey! We were not on a-Okay. That's fine! Fine. Y'know what Ben? One day when you are a lot older I am going to tell you that entire story over a pitcher of real margaritas, okay?
Ben Geller: When's my daddy coming back?
Rachel Green: Fifty-two minutes. So no-no brothers and sisters, huh? That must be nice. You don't have to share stuff.
Ben Geller: Sharing is good.
Rachel Green: Oh, you're one of those. But y'know what? I have two sisters of my own and we just-just tortured each other.
Ben Geller: Really? Like how?
Rachel Green: Well y'know, we would umm, repeat everything the other said, or uh, we'd jump out of closets to scare each other, or switch the sugar for the salt so they'd put salt on their cereal.
Ben Geller: That's a good one.
Rachel Green: Yeah? You like that one?
Ben Geller: Yeah, you're funny.
Rachel Green: I'm funny? Oh thank God! Well hey, I've got a ton of these! Umm, oh hear-Do you want a good one? Here's a good one. Umm, you uh, you take a quarter, take a quarter and, and you blacken the edge. Right? And then you say to person, I bet you can't roll this quarter from your forehead to your chin without it leaving your face. And then when they do it, they're left with a big black pencil line right down the center of their face.
Ben Geller: Can I do it to you?
Rachel Green: Yeah, I-I-I-I'm funny Ben, but I'm not stupid. Okay?
Joey Tribbiani: So, did you uh, find anyone to marry you guys yet?
Chandler Bing: No, but Horny for Monica Minister called, wanting to know if we were still together.
Monica Geller: We're never gonna find anybody.
Joey Tribbiani: Well then let me do it!
Chandler Bing: Joe...
Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no! Look, I've been thinking about it. I'm an actor right? So I won't get nervous talking in front of people.
Monica Geller: Joey look it's really sweet...
Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no-no look no! I won't spit, and I won't stare at Monica's breasts! Y'know? Everyone knows I'm an ass man!
Monica Geller: That is true.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah and the most important thing is that it won't be some like, stranger up there who barely knows you. It'll be me! And I swear I'll do a really good job. Plus, y'know I love you guys and-and it would really mean a lot to me.
Chandler Bing: Y'know, we haven't found anybody else.
Monica Geller: It might be kinda cool.
Joey Tribbiani: So I can do it?
Chandler Bing: Yeah you can do it.
Joey Tribbiani: All right!!! Okay!! All right! Okay-okay, I gotta get started on my speech! Oh, wait a minute, Internet ministers can still have sex right?
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Monica Geller: Hey Pheebs, how's it going?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I have a headache. A horrible headache!
Monica Geller: Oh, I'm sorry. Can I get you something?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, you've got to stop chattering!
Monica Geller: Here, take a couple of these.
Phoebe Buffay: What is it?
Monica Geller: It's Hexadrin.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, I don't believe in Western medicine. No, if you just apply pressure to these points right here. Then your hand starts to hurt and you still have a headache, so thanks.
Monica Geller: Okay, while we're waiting for these pills to kick in, I'm gonna sit you down on the couch. Come on. Get some nice soft pillows under your head, I'm gonna turn the TV on and you can watch whatever you want. And I'm-Sit down-gonna make you some tea. And then, I'm gonna rub your feet.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh! My head! Oh! Oh!
Rachel Green: Coming.
Ross Geller: I have a bone to pick with you.
Rachel Green: Uh-oh.
Ross Geller: Yes! Ben learned a little trick.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah? Did he pull the old...
Ross Geller: That's right! That's right! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere!
Rachel Green: Oh that.
Ross Geller: Yeah that! You know I hate practical jokes! They're mean and they're stupid and-and I don't want my son learning them!
Rachel Green: Oh, come on! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat, you don't think that's just a little funny?!
Ross Geller: I was barefoot. Now tell me, the toilet thing is the only thing you taught him right?
Rachel Green: Yes.
Phoebe Buffay: It's amazing! My headache is completely gone! What are those pills called?
Monica Geller: Hexadrin.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I love you Hexadrin! Oh look! It comes with a story!
Monica Geller: No Phoebe, those are like the side affects and stuff.
Phoebe Buffay: Say what?
Monica Geller: Y'know, the possible side affects.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Dizziness, nervousness, drowsiness, facial swelling, nausea, headache-Headache. Vomiting, stomach bleeding, liver damage! Now okay, I don't recall any of this coming up when you gave me these little death capsules! Oh I'm sorry, extra strength death capsules!
Monica Geller: Phoebe, relax none of that stuff ever happens! They just put it on there for legal reasons!
Phoebe Buffay: Why?
Monica Geller: In case it happens.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: You did it! You got ordained?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I just got off the Internet! Man, there is a lot of porn out there!
Chandler Bing: Our minister...
Phoebe Buffay: I have liver damage. Ow! Oh!
Monica Geller: Phoebe, your liver is right here.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, then I must be disoriented.
Joey Tribbiani: Anyway, I started working on what I'm going to say for the ceremony, do you wanna hear it?
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: Yeah!
Joey Tribbiani: Now-now, listen this is just a first draft so... "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share." Eh? "It is a love based on giving and receiving. As well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving." "We too can share and love and have and receive."
Chandler Bing: Should we call the spitter?
Carol Willick: Hey Rachel!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Carol Willick: What a nice surprise! What are you doing here?
Rachel Green: Well y'know I was just in the neighborhood and I passed by your building and I thought to myself, "What's up with Carol and sweet, little Ben?"
Carol Willick: Can I ask what-Come on in.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Carol Willick: Umm uh, I'll make some coffee and we can uh, chat.
Rachel Green: I'd love that. I would loooove... So uh, so where is sweet little Ben? I would love to have a little...
Ben Geller: Gotcha!!
Rachel Green: I found him! Very funny, come here! That is exactly why I've come here to talk to you okay?
Carol Willick: Rach, do you want some sugar in your coffee?
Rachel Green: Yes oh-Do I want sugar in my coffee? No, just some milk would be good Carol. Thanks. Okay, do you remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
Ben Geller: Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
Rachel Green: Don't do that.
Ben Geller: Don't do that.
Rachel Green: Seriously, your dad doesn't like pranks.
Ben Geller: Seriously, your dad doesn't like pranks.
Rachel Green: Oh damnit!
Ben Geller: Oh damnit!
Rachel Green: No! Don't say that! Don't say that!
Ben Geller: Damnit!
Rachel Green: No don't! Go back to repeating!
Ben Geller: Damnit!
Rachel Green: Oh crap!
Ben Geller: Oh crap!
Phoebe Buffay: I feel like my face is swelling. Is my face swelling?
Monica Geller: Phoebe, your face is fine! Come on, none of this stuff is going to happen to you! Stop being such a baby!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, interesting you should call me that! Now that I may never have one!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay you guys, I got a little more written. Are you ready?
Chandler Bing: Yeah. O-okay.
Joey Tribbiani: "When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I can not help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving and..." And then I can't think of a good word for right here.
Monica Geller: How about receiving?
Joey Tribbiani: Yes!
Chandler Bing: See Joe, not that that's not grrreat! But, one of the cool things about having somebody we know perform the ceremony is that it can be about us! Y'know, it can be more personal. You can tell stories about us!
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, like the time you and I went to Atlantic City and I made you laugh so hard you threw up your whole steak?! Remember?
Chandler Bing: No, not us... Us!
Monica Geller: I gotcha. Sorry. So, did you ever make him throw up a whole anything?
Phoebe Buffay: Did you ever feed him a poison capsule that made him bleed from the eyes?
Monica Geller: It doesn't say that!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Suddenly somebody knows all about the side affects!
Chandler Bing: See Joe, we want you to tell stories but y'know, romantic stories. Nice stories.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Okay. Ooh! Ooh! Okay, maybe I'll talk about London! Y'know when you two hooked up! Only, only I won't say hooked up. I'll say, "Began their beautiful journey..."
Monica Geller: There you go!
Joey Tribbiani: "...by doin' it."
Chandler Bing: Joe?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. All right. Umm, so uh, so how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room? And then the next thing y'know you're in the bathtub together and she's feeding you strawberries?
Chandler Bing: Isn't that what happened with you and the bride's maid?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!! I call that London style.
Monica Geller: No that is not what happened with us. Well, I was umm, I was really sad that night because this guy that I was Ross's mom.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh.
Monica Geller: And then Chandler was, was really sweet and he consoled me. And well we drank too much...
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah baby!
Chandler Bing: And I was a perfect gentleman and I walked her to her hotel room and said goodnight.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh.
Chandler Bing: But then later that night...
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah baby!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: Cute PJ's! You're really livin' it up here in London huh?
Chandler Bing: Well I was... I was exactly expecting company after... 9:15.
Monica Geller: Is Joey here?
Chandler Bing: Well, last time I saw him he was heading out the door with the bride's maid and a bucket of strawberries. So uh, you're not still upset about what that guy told ya are ya?
Monica Geller: Wouldn't you be?
Chandler Bing: Well, look it's been a really emotional time y'know, and you've had a lot to drink. And you've just got to let that go okay? I mean you were the most beautiful in the room tonight!
Monica Geller: Really?
Chandler Bing: You kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms... Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?
Monica Geller: Well, not anymore.
Chandler Bing: But we don't do that.
Monica Geller: I know, I just thought it would be fun.
Chandler Bing: How drunk are you?
Monica Geller: Drunk enough to know that I want to do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
Chandler Bing: That's the perfect amount!
Monica Geller: Okay!
Monica Geller: Y'know what's weird?
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: This doesn't feel weird!
Chandler Bing: I know.
Monica Geller: You're a really good kisser.
Chandler Bing: Well, I have kissed over four women. Do you wanna get under the covers?
Monica Geller: Hm-hmm!
Chandler Bing: Okay!
Monica Geller: Wow! You are really fast!
Chandler Bing: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
Monica Geller: We're gonna see each other naked.
Chandler Bing: Yep!
Monica Geller: Do you wanna do it at the same time?
Chandler Bing: Count of three?
Monica Geller: One!
Chandler Bing: Two!
Monica Geller: Two!
Chandler Bing: Well I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
Monica Geller: Eh, we weren't that close anyway!
Chandler Bing: Eh!
Chandler Bing: Joey! Joey! Joey! J-J-Joey-Joey-J-Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey Joe! I was just watching a movie-e-e...
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, dude I'm so sorry!
Chandler Bing: No! No! No!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey no-no-no-no! It's cool! It's cool! I-I'll only be a second, I'm still with my bride's maid, I just-Where are those condoms you brought?
Chandler Bing: They're in my bag over there.
Joey Tribbiani: Ah.
Chandler Bing: Uh, could you leave me one?
Joey Tribbiani: For just you?
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey listen, why don't you come downstairs with me? There's some really nice girls down there.
Chandler Bing: No I-I-I'm fine.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, here you go buddy. Go nuts.
Joey Tribbiani: That's what that was?! 'Cause that other thing? I thought you were on to something, but it did nothing for me.
Monica Geller: Okay, can we change the topic? Because it's really doing nothing for me.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh... Can you imagine if I hadn't left you that last one? You two might've never gotten together. Ooh-ooh! Could you imagine if I sent that hooker up to the room like I was gonna?! It's like it was in the stars!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, it's totally meant to be. Tell him who you originally wanted to hook up with that night.
Monica Geller: What?!
Chandler Bing: What?
Phoebe Buffay: What?!
Chandler Bing: Who did you originally want to hook up with?
Monica Geller: Okay, fine but please don't be upset! Okay? I was really depressed okay? And really drunk! I just wanted something stupid and meaningless. I just wanted...just sex. So, when I...went to your room that night...I was actually looking...for Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah baby! No baby!
Chandler Bing: So you came to the room looking for Joey? Did you ever in-intend on telling me about this?
Monica Geller: No because it-it didn't seem important.
Chandler Bing: Oh, it's not important? It's not important?! If it wasn't for a bride's maid you'd be marrying him not me!
Monica Geller: Noo!! The point is that is was you that was there that night! It is you that I am marrying! It is you that I feel in love with!
Joey Tribbiani: And it is a love that is based on having and giving and receiv-
Chandler Bing: I don't believe it. The most romantic night of my life and I'm runner up.
Monica Geller: Chandler, please! Do you know how unbelievably glad I am that Joey was not there that night?!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Now I'm a man of the cloth, but I still have feelings!
Chandler Bing: Look there is no way you're doing this wedding now. Okay?
Joey Tribbiani: What?! That's not fair! It's not my fault! I was off with my bride's maid! And who's to say I would've even said yes?! I mean I would've said yes. Chandler look y-y-you are making way to big a deal out of this, all right? Look, everything worked out okay!
Chandler Bing: Okay, it's just weird! Okay? I don't want to be standing their saying my vows and then having the mental image of you and Monica! I-I-I need...I don't know what I need. I need a walk.
Monica Geller: Wait Chandler come on, let's-it's not a big deal!
Chandler Bing: It is to me. You wanted to sleep with Batman, and instead you had to settle for Robin.
Joey Tribbiani: This is crazy.
Phoebe Buffay: I know! Robin is so gay!
Rachel Green: So now what have we agreed?
Ben Geller: No more pranks.
Rachel Green: And-and what else?
Ben Geller: That you and daddy were not on a break.
Rachel Green: Very good.
Ross Geller: Rachel! What are you doing here?
Rachel Green: I'm just visiting my good friend Carol.
Ross Geller: Your good friend?
Rachel Green: Yeah!
Ross Geller: What's her last name?
Rachel Green: Carol...Lesbian?
Ross Geller: Nice. And by the way that uh, that line down my face?
Rachel Green: What line?
Ross Geller: Wh-wh-what line? The line that prompted a student in my last class of the day to say uh, "Dude, don't you ever was your face?"
Rachel Green: All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you but you were so mad already!
Ross Geller: Of course I was mad! I told you I-I hate this stuff! Okay? It-it's not funny!
Carol Willick: Hey Ross!
Ross Geller: Hi.
Carol Willick: What's not funny?
Ross Geller: Practical jokes.
Carol Willick: Oh I...I think they're funny.
Ross Geller: You have a line down your face.
Carol Willick: What?
Rachel Green: Okay, maybe they are not funny to you...
Carol Willick: Oh my God!
Rachel Green: Or Carol! But they're funny to kids and who is it hurting?!
Ross Geller: Uh, y'know what? I'll tell you who it hurts! It hurts the kid who has all his clothes stolen in gym class so he has to go to the principal's office wearing nothing but a catcher's mitt!
Rachel Green: That was you?! We heard about you in Junior High! Did you really just shake your fist in the air and shout, "I will be revenged?!"
Ross Geller: I will be! Listen, I don't want you teaching my son that stuff anymore. Okay?
Rachel Green: Fine. Fine, but I'll have you know that once I taught him that stuff he called me Fun Aunt Rachel. And I loved being Fun Aunt Rachel but I'll go back to being Boring and Uncomfortable Aunt Rachel if that's what you want!
Ross Geller: No that's not what I want. Uh, I'm glad you guys were bonding but I...
Rachel Green: Look he doesn't have any brothers or sisters, somebody's gonna have to teach him this stuff! And I haven't taught him anything that a normal 6-year-old doesn't know anyway!
Ben Geller: Crap!!
Rachel Green: I gotta go!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hey. Do you want this scone? It came for me but it would probably rather sleep with you!
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler, come on nothing even happened!
Chandler Bing: Look Joe, I know you wanted to do the wedding...
Joey Tribbiani: No-hey-no! If you don't want me to do it, I except that. I don't care about that. I just...I don't want you to be upset.
Chandler Bing: How can I not be upset? Okay? I finally fall in love with this fantastic woman and it turns out that she wanted you first!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah for like a half an hour one night! Chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life! You're so lucky! Look what I missed out on by not being there! Although you know what? It could never have worked like you guys did, 'cause you guys are perfect for each other. Y'know, we look at you and-and we see you together and it just...it-it fits. Y'know? And you just know it's gonna last forever.
Chandler Bing: That's what you should say.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Chandler Bing: When you're marrying us; that's what you should say.
Joey Tribbiani: Really? I can do it?
Chandler Bing: I'd love it if you would do it.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: But those are the words! Those exact words!
Joey Tribbiani: Well I don't know remember exactly but, it's-it's pretty much about having and giving and sharing and receiving.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey I'm sorry to do this to you again but uh, is there any way you can look after Ben for a little bit? I-I've got this meeting at school. And-and he-he asked for his uh, 'Fun Aunt' Rachel, so...
Rachel Green: Ohhh! Well of course I will watch him! We have fun, don't we Ben?
Ross Geller: Okay, I'll see you later pal.
Rachel Green: Ohh, okay. Wh-Ah-ha! Wait a minute. Uh Ben, I can't do it.
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: I can't let him go out that way, he's got a meeting. You've got something here on your back.
Ross Geller: What? That's great. That is great. What did we just finish talking about Ben?!
Rachel Green: Oh I...
Ben Geller: What did we just finish talking about Ben?!
Ross Geller: All right, that's it! Come-you-no! You are in big trouble young man!
Rachel Green: No! Wait! Come on!
Ross Geller: Wait! No! Ben, come here! I am not kidding!
Rachel Green: No you guys...
Ross Geller: I-I-am-
Rachel Green: EHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My God!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God!!!!!!!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey-hey.
Joey Tribbiani: So are guys doing okay?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, we talked and Monica made me see that I over reacted a little bit and some things in life are more important.
Monica Geller: Yeah baby!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm really glad you guys are okay but, I just keep thinking what would happen if-if you two actually had hooked up.
Monica Geller: Honey! Dinner's ready!
Joey Tribbiani: What's my little chef got for me tonight?
Monica Geller: Your favorite!
Joey Tribbiani: Ho-ho-ho, fried stuff with cheese!
Monica Geller: Yep! And lot's of it!
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks sweetheart. Give me a little sugar here. Okay.
Monica Geller: Okay, in we go.
Joey Tribbiani: Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! How you doin'?
Joey Tribbiani: Here you go.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! This is a six-hour pill! That's it! I'm out of the woods! Ohh! What a relief!
Joey Tribbiani: Good for you!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's like huge weight has been lifted! 'Cause look, no hair loss, not a rash, no hives, I'm just so happy! Because no shortness of breath, no temporary euphoria-Oh.


Monica Geller: So the wedding caterer sent me this list of twelve appetizers and I have to narrow it down to six.
Joey Tribbiani: Food? Uh-huh gimme!
Chandler Bing: So did Monica tell you about this great band called the Swing Kings that we're trying to get to play at the wedding?
Phoebe Buffay: Since when are you into swing music?
Chandler Bing: Oh since forever! I used to go all over town listening to bands!
Monica Geller: Chandler.
Chandler Bing: Gap commercial. So did you book them? Did you call?
Monica Geller: I will.
Chandler Bing: Do you want me to call?
Monica Geller: No, I'll do it. You just stick to your job.
Phoebe Buffay: What is your job?
Chandler Bing: Staying out of the way.
Joey Tribbiani: This is impossible Monica, why don't you just pick all 15?
Monica Geller: There were only twelve.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, I added three.
Monica Geller: What are peanut butter fingers?!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah...
Ross Geller: Well hello! She's cute! Should we uh, go try to talk to her?
Chandler Bing: Sure! That's one of the great things about being engaged. I'm not nervous talking to pretty girls anymore.
The Woman: Could you guys help me?
Ross Geller: Uh yeah! Let me, let me get that for you.
The Woman: It-it's really heavy.
Ross Geller: I got it. So hi, I'm uh, I'm Ross and this is my friend Chandler.
The Woman: I-I am Kristen.
Ross Geller: Kristen, hi. Are you uh, new to the area, 'cause if you are...I'd love to show you around sometime.
Kristen Leigh: I...I uh, actually just moved from four blocks over.
Ross Geller: Ah.
Kristen Leigh: But-but this block is like a whole other world.
Ross Geller: Y'know actually it does have a very interesting history. Uh, this street is the first street in the city to have an underground sewer system. Before that sewage and waste would just flow right down the street. Yeah, sometimes ankle deep!
Chandler Bing: Smooth.
Kristen Leigh: Excuse me?
Ross Geller: Umm, say you're gonna be starving after all this moving. What do you say I take you to dinner tonight?
Kristen Leigh: Oh I'd like that.
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Kristen Leigh: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Great! Uh, let me take this up for you.
Kristen Leigh: After you.
Ross Geller: Oh no-no, after you. Oh my God!
Phoebe Buffay: Am I crazy or does this totally go?!
Rachel Green: Oh my God! You look so beautiful!
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you Rachel but, look at Monica!
Monica Geller: This is it. Yeah, this is the one. I can't believe I found it!
The Woman: Wow you look so beautiful! If I knew you, I'd cry.
Monica Geller: Well I'm Monica Geller, ball like a baby.
The Woman: I'm Megan Bailey.
Monica Geller: Have you found your dress yet?
Megan Bailey: Oh no, these dresses are all so amazing but there is no way I could afford one.
Monica Geller: No, I can't afford this either. No. I-I-I'm, I'm just to figure out which one I want then I'm gonna get it at Kleinman's, this discount place in Brooklyn, day after tomorrow they are having a huge sale.
Megan Bailey: Oh, thanks for the tip.
Monica Geller: Yeah! So-so when are you getting married?
Megan Bailey: Oh I'm not, I just like to try these on.
Rachel Green: I do the same thing.
Megan Bailey: I'm just kidding. I'm getting married July 25th.
Rachel Green: I'm just kidding too. I'm getting married in December.
Megan Bailey: So when are you getting married?
Monica Geller: Oh May 15th.
Megan Bailey: Oooh it's getting close!
Monica Geller: Yeah!
Megan Bailey: So uh, who's your photographer?
Monica Geller: Jeffery.
Megan Bailey: We met with him. Did he show you the photos of the nude wedding he did?
Monica Geller: The best man? Wow!
Megan Bailey: I know! I almost called off my wedding. Oh, who's your band?!
Monica Geller: Oh, my fiancee wants the Swing Kings.
Megan Bailey: Oh, you're so lucky. My fiancee wants the heavy metal band Carcass.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, is that spelled with a 'C' or a 'K'? Oh my God! It doesn't matter; they're both great!
Rachel Green: Oh y'know what? Y'know what? Now that you know what you want you should go to Kleinman's and get it half off. This place is so overpriced.
The Woman: I own this store.
Rachel Green: So, does this come in another color or...
Joey Tribbiani: Hi! You uh, movin' in or movin' out?
Kristen Leigh: I'm moving in.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh uh, can I give you a hand?
Kristen Leigh: Oh okay. But y'know what? Be careful. Because a guy was helping me before had to leave because he hurt his back.
Joey Tribbiani: Boyfriend?
Kristen Leigh: No.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm Joey.
Kristen Leigh: Kristen.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh wow, what a beautiful name! What is it again?
Kristen Leigh: Kristen.
Joey Tribbiani: Got it! So...
Kristen Leigh: So uh, do you live around here?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Yeah! Right down there. Hey listen; let me give you a little tip. Do not take a nap on this stoop or you can wake up with your shoes gone.
Kristen Leigh: I'll remember that.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Yeah. Listen would you uh, would you like to have dinner with me tonight?
Kristen Leigh: Oh I, I have plans tonight.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh.
Kristen Leigh: But how about tomorrow?
Joey Tribbiani: Sounds great! Okay all right, well where does this go?
Kristen Leigh: You look strong, why don't I take that and you grab one of the boxes.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I'll grab this one.
A Woman: What is taking so long?! I mean whatever!
Rachel Green: So this is Brooklyn.
Monica Geller: All right, listen up. There is usually only one dress in each size so when they open those doors, fan out. Now, this is what you're looking for! Memorize it! When you locate the dress, blow on these. All right? Three short blasts, when you hear it. Come running.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Got it.
Monica Geller: All right.
A Woman: Here he comes! Hurry!
Rachel Green: Oh they're pushing! They're pushing!!
Monica Geller: Hey! Don't be a baby!
Rachel Green: Well I...
A Woman: Let's go!!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Rachel! Come on!!!!
Monica Geller: No. No. Not it. Not it. Not it. Don't crowd me! This is it! This is the dress! Oh my God, it's perfect! I'm sorry, this one's taken! Whoa!
Monica Geller: Megan!
Megan Bailey: Monica!
Monica Geller: You came?!
Megan Bailey: Yeah!
Monica Geller: This is my dress!
Megan Bailey: No!
Monica Geller: Yes it is! You saw me wearing it!
Megan Bailey: And now you'll see me buying it.
Monica Geller: What? You freak! You wouldn't even have known about this place if it wasn't for me!
Megan Bailey: Look, you don't want to fight me.
Monica Geller: Maybe I do! I'm pretty feisty!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm coming! I'm coming!
Woman: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay! Hey! What do I do?!! What are you doing? Did you find the dress?
Phoebe Buffay: Did you find the dress?
Rachel Green: No! You gotta get me out of here Phoebe! These bargain shoppers are crazy!
Phoebe Buffay: I-We gotta get Monica.
Rachel Green: No! You gotta hold my hand!!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God!! Excuse me! Excuse me!
Monica Geller: Go! Go! Go!
Rachel Green: Hey...
Monica Geller: NOW!!!!!!!!
Chandler Bing: So Ross, how was your date the other night? Did you tell her about the magical ride that starts with the flush of every toilet?
Ross Geller: Laugh all you want but uh, she actually left me a message saying she'd like to go out again.
Chandler Bing: Huh.
Ross Geller: Yeah in fact, I'm gonna go call her right now. And I'll make sure to tell her my friend Chandler says...
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Chandler!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Listen, sorry I didn't stop by last night but I had a date.
Chandler Bing: Uh Joe, when it's one o'clock in the morning and you don't come by? That's okay!
Joey Tribbiani: Well check it out, I was with this really hot girl who just moved in right across the street!
Chandler Bing: Really? Right across the street?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!
Chandler Bing: When'd you meet her?
Joey Tribbiani: Two days ago.
Chandler Bing: Excellent! Y'know Ross met somebody too!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah?
Ross Geller: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hi! How'd it go?
Ross Geller: Oh great! We're going out again Saturday. But I just found she's also seeing some other guy.
Chandler Bing: Really?! Joe? What would you do if you were in Ross's situation?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I sorta am. I mean yeah, I'm dating this girl who's also seeing another guy. But, I don't know, I'm not to worried about it.
Ross Geller: Well you shouldn't be. Believe me I wouldn't want to be the guy who's up against you. I mean that doofus is going to lose!
Chandler Bing: So this is nice! I wish I didn't have to go, believe me! But unfortunately I have to. Oh uh, by the way, what's the name the girl you're dating?
Chandler Bing: Bye!
Ross Geller: Well obviously only one of us can keep dating her.
Joey Tribbiani: Obviously! So, how do we decide?
Ross Geller: Well now let's-let's look at this objectively, I think I should date her...
Joey Tribbiani: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Or, or I'm the one who dates her.
Ross Geller: That's interesting, but check this out. I date her...
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-yeah I like that but just to go in another direction...
Ross Geller: Okay, okay. This can go on for a while.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah well we should order some food then.
Ross Geller: No Joey! Look why don't, why don't we just let her decide? Okay? Hey-hey, we'll each go out with her one more time. And-and we'll see who she likes best.
Joey Tribbiani: That sounds fair.
Ross Geller: Maybe I'll take her to that new French restaurant down the street...
Joey Tribbiani: Ah yeah-wait a second now! Look we're gonna have to set a spending limit on the date. I don't have the money to take her to a fancy place like that.
Ross Geller: Well sorry, that's what I do on dates.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, well I guess I'll just have to do what I do on dates.
Ross Geller: So let's decide on the spending limit...
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Uh, ...a slice...six dollars?
Ross Geller: I was thinking more like a hundred.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Can I borrow 94 dollars?
Monica Geller: Oh...
Phoebe Buffay: I know. Hand me a tissue.
Rachel Green: You're out of Diet Coke.
Monica Geller: Hello? What?! You what?! Hey you listen here missy! Wh-
Phoebe Buffay: What?!
Monica Geller: That was that girl Megan! She booked the Swing Kings on the day of our wedding and said that I couldn't have them back unless I gave her the dress!
Phoebe Buffay: Does that mean Carcass is available?
Monica Geller: What am I gonna do?! That is the dress! That is the dress! Wh...Chandler wants the band. What do I do?
Phoebe Buffay: Well just figure out a way to talk him out of it.
Monica Geller: How?
Rachel Green: You're out of toilet paper!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey! What's up?
Joey Tribbiani: I just wanted to come by and y'know, wish you good luck on your date.
Ross Geller: Oh thanks!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. What time are you meeting her?
Ross Geller: We have 8:00 reservations at Grammercy Bistero.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow, that's in like 20 minutes. You'd better get dressed.
Ross Geller: I am dressed.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Well good! For me. What is this? Did you give yourself a facial?
Ross Geller: I have an oily T-zone!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay dude! Hey you uh, you sent Kristen flowers.
Ross Geller: That's right.
Joey Tribbiani: You spent a hundred dollars. That's the limit. You're screwed!
Ross Geller: Uh actually, I sent the flowers before the actual date. So techincally, technically I didn't break any rules. Thanks for stopping by though.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh-oh! So that's the way it's gonna be huh? Yeah I can break the rules too y'know!
Ross Geller: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know.
Ross Geller: Why am I not surprised?
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know what Ross? I'm not gonna let you get away with this!
Ross Geller: I don't think you have much choice.
Joey Tribbiani: Well we'll see!
Ross Geller: Bye-bye!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah bye-bye! Hey! So just a light layer?
Ross Geller: Yes. Yes. Just here and there .
Chandler Bing: Joey got meat sauce on the banister again!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, swing music is so out.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, he's gotta be in the room for that to work.
Chandler Bing: What are you guys talking about?
Monica Geller: Well umm, we were just talking about the y'know, the Swing Kings and just wondering whether y'know, they were the right way to go.
Rachel Green: Yeah, I went to a wedding once where they had swing music and uh, two months later the couple got divorced. And now I'm not saying that there's any connection here y'know, but they did tell me that's why they got divorced.
Chandler Bing: But I love swing music!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah but the Swing Kings? Y'know they suck so much that people actually die at their concerts-They just stop living.
Chandler Bing: Look all I know is when Monica and I went to see them, we had fun! And there's another reason too.
Rachel Green: Well, what is the other reason?
Chandler Bing: I don't want to say.
Rachel Green: Well you have to because maybe it's stupid.
Chandler Bing: Well it's just while Monica and I were dancing to them it was...the first time I knew that...you were the woman I wanted to dance all my dances with.
Monica Geller: Oh crap!
Ross Geller: So they said our table will be ready in just a few minutes.
Kristen Leigh: Oh great!
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Kristen Leigh: Is your back feeling better?
Ross Geller: Oh yeah it's fine. I guess the more muscles you have the more they can spasim out of control.
Joey Tribbiani: Kristen?
Kristen Leigh: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hi!
Kristen Leigh: Hi! What are you doing here?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh I like this place. And technically, technically I'm not breaking any rules so I...
Kristen Leigh: Well uh, Ross? This is Joey. Joey? Ross.
Joey Tribbiani: Hi!
Ross Geller: Hi. It's nice to meet you. I used to have a friend named Joey. I don't anymore.
Kristen Leigh: Our table will be ready in a couple minutes.
Ross Geller: Yeah. So...
Joey Tribbiani: Sure! I would love to wait with you guys! Thanks!
Ross Geller: So Joey umm, you look familiar. Are uh, are you on TV or something?
Kristen Leigh: Well Joey doesn't like to talk about it but, he's one of the stars of Days Of Our Lives.
Ross Geller: That's right! That's right, don't you play a woman?
Joey Tribbiani: A woman in a man's body.
Ross Geller: Much better.
Joey Tribbiani: So y'know Ross it's funny 'cause, you look familiar to me too. Have you ever been married?
Ross Geller: Well yes, yes I have. In fact umm, just the other day Kristen and I were talking about how I've been married and how I have a son.
Kristen Leigh: Yeah, little Eric.
Ross Geller: That's right! Wait no, Ben.
Joey Tribbiani: So you've just married the one time then?
Ross Geller: Well umm...
Kristen Leigh: You've been married twice?
Ross Geller: Yes. And another time after that. Boy I'm getting hungry! Hey Joey, have you ever been so hungry on a date that when a girl goes to the bathroom you eat some of her food?
Kristen Leigh: You said the waiter ate my crab cake.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. So uh Ross, well now-why did that first marriage breakup? Was it because the woman was straight or she was a lesbian?
Kristen Leigh: Do you two know each other?
Joey Tribbiani: No. It just seems like Ross is the kind of a guy that would marry a woman on the verge of being a lesbian and then push her over the edge.
Ross Geller: Wait a minute! Were you on a poster for gonorrhea?
Joey Tribbiani: Have you ever slept in the same bed as a monkey?!
Ross Geller: Hey you leave Marcel out of this!
Joey Tribbiani: Fine! Have you ever got stuck in a pair of your own leather pants?!
Ross Geller: Hey-hey have you ever locked yourself in a TV cabinet VD boy?!
Joey Tribbiani: Monkey lover!
Joey Tribbiani: When do you think we lost her?
Ross Geller: Probably around gonorrhea.
Chandler Bing: Hi, honey! I'm home!
Monica Geller: Don't come in here!
Chandler Bing: Why? Do you another boyfriend in there or something?
Monica Geller: No! We only mess around at his place!
Chandler Bing: Y'know it's funny I started it but, now it's scary me. So could you come out here please?
Monica Geller: No, I'm wearing a wedding dress.
Chandler Bing: Oh you got a wedding dress? That's great!
Monica Geller: Yeah but I'm not keeping it.
Chandler Bing: Well then why can't I see it?
Monica Geller: Oh. I guess you can. Okay but; I-I have to return it, so you can't like it.
Chandler Bing: Okay I promise. I'll-I'll hate it. Wow! You-you look...hideous.
Monica Geller: Really?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, that's like the most ugliest dress I've ever seen. Wh-why do you to return it?
Monica Geller: Oh because it doesn't...really fit. Oh by the way, I-I booked the Swing Kings.
Chandler Bing: Oh that's great! Great! Thanks! But that dress I mean it's like yuck! It's terrible! It makes me wanna just rip it right off of you!
Monica Geller: Okay! But you can't rip it. Well, maybe a little.
Chandler Bing: Okay!
Monica Geller: Hey guys! Do you wanna look at the song list for the wedding? Guys?
Chandler Bing: I thought you were gonna be gone all day.
Monica Geller: All right? What's going on?
Monica Geller: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I-I should probably leave you girls alone.
Ross Geller: Yeah, laugh all you want but in ten minutes we're gonna have younger looking skin!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Y'know, she could use a little... Oh nice shot!!!


Joey Tribbiani: Hey! You guys! You're not gonna believe this! I just got off the phone with my agent...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! I'm sorry, too soon. You go.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. I got nominated for my part on Days of Our Lives!
Monica Geller: Joey!
Phoebe Buffay: Good for you!
Monica Geller: Congratulations! Wow! I can't believe you're nominated for an Emmy!
Joey Tribbiani: No-no.
Monica Geller: Oh Soap Opera Digest award!
Joey Tribbiani: No! I'm up for a Soapie!
Monica Geller: Honey? Is that something you're making up?
Joey Tribbiani: No, no, no! It's real! And it has been since 1998. Hey Rach! Rach! I'm up for a Soapie!
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Oh my God!! That is like the third most prestigious soap opera award there is!
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you! Well, I guess now I know who I'm taking to the awards.
Rachel Green: Oh, stop that! Don't kid about that! Will all the stars be there?
Joey Tribbiani: Many are scheduled to appear.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Oh my God! I can't go! I'm gonna be too nervous!
Monica Geller: Okay, I'll go!
Rachel Green: No!! You are getting married! This is all I have.
Ross Geller: ...and it was Ernst Muhlbrat who first hypothesized that the Velociraptor would expand it's collar and emit a high pitched noise to frighten it's predator. Yes Mr. Lewis?
Lewis: What kinda noise?
Ross Geller: Just a high pitched intimidating noise.
Lewis: But like how?
Ross Geller: Well we-we don't know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded something like this. Of course, this is just conjecture. Okay, that's uh, that's all for today. Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?
Ned Morse: Yes sir.
Ross Geller: Mr. Morse I need to talk to you about your mid-term exam, I'm afraid I-I had to fail you.
Ned Morse: Why?!
Ross Geller: Well you need 60% to pass...
Ned Morse: What'd I get?
Ross Geller: Seven.
Ned Morse: That's not so good.
Ross Geller: No-no it's not. What-what happened there Ned?
Ned Morse: Well maybe you can cut me some slack. I'm sort of in love.
Ross Geller: Well I'm sorry but, that-that's really not my problem.
Ned Morse: I'm in love with you.
Ross Geller: Well that brings me in the loop a little.
Ned Morse: You see, that's why I did so bad on this test. I'm having a hard time concentrating. When you're up there and you're teaching and your face gets all serious...you look so good. You wear that tight little turtleneck sweater...
Ross Geller: Okay! Umm, I uh, I'm your teacher. I'm sorry, you're-you're a student and I-and I like women. In spite of what may be written on the backs of some of these chairs.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! That guy at the counter is totally checking you out!
Monica Geller: Really? My God, he's really cute.
Phoebe Buffay: Go for it.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, I'm engaged!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm just saying, get his number just in case. But no Chandler is in an accident and can't perform sexually and he would want you to take a lover to satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill.
The Cute Guy: Hi!
Monica Geller: Op, can I just tell you something? Very flattered but umm, I'm engaged.
The Cute Guy: Wow! Uh, this is kind of embarrassing. I was actually coming over to talk to your friend.
Monica Geller: Well you should be embarrassed.
The Cute Guy: I thought you knew I was looking at you.
Phoebe Buffay: I did, but that was really fun.
Joey Tribbiani: And the winner is...Joey Tribbiani! Oh... Wow! I honestly never expected this. I uh, I didn't prepare a speech. But umm, I'd like to thank my parents, who've always been there for me. I'd also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel...
Rachel Green: I'm fourth! Look at you with your little maple syrup award!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah may-maybe you don't tell anyone about this.
Rachel Green: What? No! It's not a big deal! I do that too, with my shampoo bottle.
Joey Tribbiani: Really?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: What award are you practicing for?
Rachel Green: Grammy, Best New Artist.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey listen! The Soapie's called today and I also get to present an award.
Rachel Green: Ohh that's great!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!
Rachel Green: So you'll definitely get onstage, even if you don't win.
Joey Tribbiani: What you-you don't think I'm gonna win?
Rachel Green: Well of course I do! But y'know, favorite returning character is a tough category Joey. I mean you're up against the guy who survived his own cremation.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. No-no I-I know I might not win, but it's just...I've never even been nominated before! I want it so much.
Rachel Green: Well Joey, you'll probably get it. But you should probably your-your gracious loser face. Y'know when like the cameras are on you and you wanna look disappointed but also that your colleague deserved to win. Y'know? So it's sorta like...
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Rachel Green: Y'know?
Joey Tribbiani: You practice losing the Grammies too?
Rachel Green: Oh no, at the Grammies I always win.
Joey Tribbiani: Ah.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh hey!
Monica Geller: Hey! How'd your date go with Jake?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, great! We couldn't keep our eyes off each other all night and then every once and a while y'know, he'd kinda lean over and stroke my hair and touch my neck.
Monica Geller: Okay, stop it Phoebe, you're getting me all tingly.
Phoebe Buffay: All I could think of was y'know, "Is he gonna kiss me? Is he gonna kiss me?"
Monica Geller: And did he?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm a lady Monica, I don't kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself.
Monica Geller: Okay-okay, I got it. I got it.
Phoebe Buffay: I just like him so much that I just feel like I've had 10 drinks today and I've only had six.
Monica Geller: Oh, I haven't had that feeling since I first started going out with Chandler. Wow, I'm never gonna have that feeling again am I?
Phoebe Buffay: You sound like a guy.
Monica Geller: No, a guy would be saying, "I'm never gonna get to sleep with anyone else." Oh my God! I'm never gonna get to sleep with anyone else! I've been so busy planning the wedding that I forgot about all the things that I'd be giving up! I mean, I...I'm never gonna have a first kiss again.
Phoebe Buffay: You'll have a last kiss.
Ross Geller: Can I ask you something? Have you ever had a guy have a crush on you?
Joey Tribbiani: Is that why you wanted to tie my tie?
Ross Geller: There's this kid in my class who said he's in love with me.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa!
Rachel Green: Whoa what?
Joey Tribbiani: Ross has a boyfriend.
Ross Geller: I do-I do not have a boyfriend. There's a guy in one of my classes who-who has a crush on me.
Rachel Green: Really?
Ross Geller: Yeah! I don't know. I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it?! Am I giving out some kind of...sexy professor vibe?
Rachel Green: Not right now.
Ross Geller: It-it-The point is my natural charisma has made him fail his midterm.
Rachel Green: Oh, see now I feel bad for the kid! I had a crush on a teacher once and it was so hard! Y'know you-I couldn't concentrate and I blushed every time he looked at me. I mean come on, you remember what's it's like to be 19 and in love.
Ross Geller: Yeah. I guess I can cut him some slack.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: How'd you get over that teacher?
Rachel Green: I didn't. I got under him.
Joey Tribbiani: Problem solved.
Jake: Bye Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay bye.
Jake: All right. Bye.
Phoebe Buffay: Bye! We said good-bye at the door so as not to flaunt our new love.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, it's okay. You don't have to tip toe around me. I-I've been thinking about it and umm, y'know what? I'm okay about not having that new relationship feeling...
Jake: I miss you already!!
Phoebe Buffay: I miss you too!!!!
Monica Geller: See? That's what I mean. I mean that, that's great! But I wouldn't trade in what I have for that. I mean I'm gonna be with Chandler for the rest of my life, and that's what makes me happy. Hey sweetie, come here! Come sit down. Hey Phoebe and I were just talking about how our relationship is deep and meaningful. It really is don't you think?
Chandler Bing: Oh totally! Pull my finger.
Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Returning Male Character is McKensize...
Joey Tribbiani: This is it! This is my category.
Rachel Green: I know! My God! Do you have your speech?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I got my speech!
Rachel Green: Do you got your gracious loser face?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Now Joey remember, if you win you have to hug me! You hug me!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Can I squeeze your ass?
Rachel Green: On TV?! Yeah!
Joey Tribbiani: 'Kay!
The Presenter: In The Category Of Favorite Returning Male Character The Nominees Are John Wheeler from General Hospital , Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless , Dunkin Harrington from Passions , and Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives . And the Soapie goes to...Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless!
Joey Tribbiani: What the?!
Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Supporting Actress is Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives.
Joey Tribbiani: Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately only one can. The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are from Passions Erin Goff. From One Life to Live Mary Loren Bishop , from All My Children Sarah Mchann, and from Days of Our Lives Jessica Ashley. And the winner is...Jessica Ashley from Days of Our Lives. Uh, unfortunately Jessica couldn't be with us tonight so I'll be accepting this award on her behalf. And I'm sure that Jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. She'd also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel who's sittin' right there!
Rachel Green: Joey! Why did we have to rush out of there so fast?!
Joey Tribbiani: Rach we had to get out of there because, look what I won!
Rachel Green: Oh my God you stole her award!
Joey Tribbiani: No-no! No, I'm accepting it on her behalf.
Rachel Green: Joey I don't think you know what behalf means.
Joey Tribbiani: Sure I do! It's a verb! As in, "I behalfin' it!"
Rachel Green: Joey, you have got to take this back!
Joey Tribbiani: But why?! I should've won one and I really want it and she didn't even care enough to come to the thing! It could also be a Grammy.
Rachel Green: No! Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Come on Rach! No one saw me take it! There was a whole table full of 'em.
Rachel Green: Do you really want an award you didn't win?
Joey Tribbiani: No! I want an award I did win! But nobody's giving me any of those! Plus-Hey Rach, if-if I put it up there right? When people come over they'll see it and they'll think I won it.
Rachel Green: Joey is says Best Supporting Actress!
Joey Tribbiani: I can scratch that right off.
Rachel Green: Joey no, this is wrong! You have to take it back, okay? You don't want to win an award this way. You're very talented. And someday you're gonna win one of these for real and that one is gonna mean something.
Joey Tribbiani: All right!
Rachel Green: All right? Thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: I'll take it back tomorrow.
Rachel Green: Thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: If I can't have it you can't have it!
Lewis: Professor Geller?
Ross Geller: Yes Mr. Lewis, how can I help you?
Lewis: I know I didn't do well on my midterms and stuff but, I was kinda hoping you could change my grade.
Ross Geller: And why exactly would I do that?
Lewis: Because I'm in love with you.
Ross Geller: What?!
Lewis: Yeah, I'm all...in love with you and stuff. So could you change my grade?
Ross Geller: No!
Lewis: Well why not you changed Ned's grade!
Ross Geller: Well that's different! Okay? Because he, he was actually in love with me!
Lewis: No he's not! He's totally yanking your chain! He's done this with three other teachers!
Ross Geller: What?
Lewis: He's got a girlfriend!
Ross Geller: I can't believe someone would do that for a grade.
Lewis: I know! It's awful. I love you.
Monica Geller: Have you seen Chandler?
Phoebe Buffay: No. Why?
Monica Geller: 'Cause I just keeping thinking about all these things that I'm not gonna have and it's freaking me out. I don't know what to do about it.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, don't sweat it. Chandler is nowhere around so go ahead get it out of your system. That guy's cute.
Monica Geller: Phoebe! Come on I'm serious! I just got to talk to him about all this.
Phoebe Buffay: No that is the last thing you want to do!
Monica Geller: Why?
Phoebe Buffay: Because you're marrying him!
Monica Geller: You gotta help me out here Pheebs.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, I've never been engaged and I've never really been married, but I can only tell you what my mother told me. Whenever you have doubts or fears or anxieties about a relationship, do not communicate them to your husband.
Monica Geller: So I'm not supposed to share my doubts and fears with the guy I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with?
Phoebe Buffay: That is correct! Yes, you're supposed to take all of that stuff and put it in a little box in your mind and then lock it up tight.
Monica Geller: Your mother told you this?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes!
Monica Geller: The woman that got married a bunch of times and killed herself when you were 13?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! You're right! Go! Go tell Chandler! Hurry before it's too late! Wait no! Does this also mean putting out doesn't get you love?
Rachel Green: I cannot believe I'm gonna meet Jessica Ashley!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay wait-wait p-please be cool! Okay? I work with this woman.
Rachel Green: Okay, I'm totally cool!
Jessica Ashley: Come in.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Jessica.
Rachel Green: Hey Jess.
Joey Tribbiani: Ah, this is my friend Rachel.
Jessica Ashley: Hi.
Rachel Green: 'Sup?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh listen, here's your Soapie. I accepted it for ya.
Jessica Ashley: Oh my God! I won! Do you have any idea what this means?!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, that-that-that's it? You're gonna, you're gonna put it on your self or anything?
Jessica Ashley: No, I try to save that for real awards. Now, if you'll excuse me.
Joey Tribbiani: Take it back?
Rachel Green: Absolutely.
Joey Tribbiani: Y-y-yeah! Yeah you do.
Monica Geller: Honey, as we get closer to the wedding, is there anything that you would like to talk about or share?
Chandler Bing: Okay. Well, I think the centerpieces are too big
Monica Geller: You're wrong! The centerpieces are fine! Do you ever get scared at all?
Chandler Bing: Kinda. They're really big.
Monica Geller: Doesn't it ever just freak you out that-that you're never gonna be with anybody new again?
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: Just, I love you so much. Just...It's just sometimes it bothers me that I'm never gonna have that feeling. Y'know when you meet someone for the first time and it's new and exciting? Y'know that rush?
Chandler Bing: No. No, see when I first meet somebody it's uh it's mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.
Monica Geller: Okay, but all right you're a guy, does it not freak you that you're never gonna sleep with anybody else?
Chandler Bing: Sleeping with somebody new, anxiety, panic, and I'm afraid even more sweating.
Monica Geller: Even with me?
Chandler Bing: I was dangerously dehydrated during the first six months of our relationship. Look, for me the rush is knowing that we are gonna be together for the rest of our lives.
Monica Geller: Really?
Chandler Bing: Well yeah! But now that I know that you're having these thoughts, I'm back to panic, anxiety, and uh I'm definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink.
Monica Geller: Come here! Come here! Sweetie you don't have to worry. No, besides y'know what? I'm gonna have a lot of new things with you. The first time we buy a house. Our first kid. Our first grandkid...
Chandler Bing: Water! Water! Water!
Ross Geller: Uh Mr. Morse, can I speak to you for a moment?
Ned Morse: That was a great lecture today. Did you get a little hair cut?
Ross Geller: Uh-hmm, yeah-yeah do you like it? Do-do you looove it? I just want you to know that I'm changing your grade back.
Ned Morse: What?! Why?
Ross Geller: 'Cause I know what you're trying to pull here. Okay? It's not gonna work.
Ned Morse: I'm not trying to pull anything. Look I love you dude.
Ross Geller: Y'know what? I-I'm not even gonna talk about this. Okay? This little thing is over. I know you have a girlfriend! Okay-Yeah! And I know about the other professors! How do you think that makes me feel Ned?! You used me! You don't love me and you never did! Ah Professor Winston, Professor Fredrickson, I'll be right with you. Don't make this worse and I'll give you a C. Shall we?
Phoebe Buffay: Rach?
Rachel Green: I'll be out in a second.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh. It's just so unexpected! I...I uh...Boy I'll tell you it's just such an honor to be nominated for a Nobel Prize and y'know to win one for a massage. Especially after having just won a Tony award for best actress in...
Rachel Green: Honey, we have to go. Our reservations are at 8:00.
Phoebe Buffay: ...in Reservations at 8:00 by Neil Simon. Thank-thank you Neil. Thank you for the words.
Rachel Green: Okay honey, you can finish this later we're gonna be late. We gotta go.
Phoebe Buffay: Please, don't play the music. Just uh one more. LIVE FROM NEW YORK! IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!