Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Watcha guys doin?
Richard Burke: Monica's making us watch Old Yeller.
Phoebe Buffay: Why are you guys so upset? It's Old Yeller, it's a happy movie.
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: What're you talkin' about?
Phoebe Buffay: C'mon, happy family gets a dog, frontier fun.
Ross Geller: Yeah but Phoebs, what about the end?
Phoebe Buffay: What when Yeller saves saves the family from the wolf and everyone's happy?
Rachel Green: That's not the end.
Phoebe Buffay: Yu-huh. That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say 'The end'.
Monica Geller: What about the part where he has rabies?
Phoebe Buffay: He doesn't have rabies, he has babies. That's what my mom said.
Richard Burke: Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's about to happen.
Phoebe Buffay: What, what's about to happen? I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, watcha doin' with that gun? Oh no, no no Travis, put down the gun. No no no no, he he's your buddy, he's your Yeller, no, no no, the end, THE END.
Monica Geller: Hey, have you guys eaten, because uh, Richard and I just finished and we've got leftovers... Chicken and potatoes... What am I wearing?...Actually, nothing but rubber gloves.
Joey Tribbiani: Ya know, one of these times you're gonna really be naked and we're not gonna come over.
Monica Geller: Alright, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing.
Chandler Bing: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey, Monica, we've got a question.
Monica Geller: Alright, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in shower at the gym, and no I don't look.
Joey Tribbiani: No, not that one. We're trying to figure out who to bring to the Knicks game tonight, we have an extra ticket.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, Ross can't go so it's between my friend Eric Prower who has breath issues and Dan with the poking. 'Did you see that play? Do you want some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?'
Monica Geller: Ok. Hey, why don't you ask Richard?
Joey Tribbiani: Ok, uh, hey Richard, if you had an extra ticket to the Knicks game and you had to choose between a friend who smells and one who bruises you who would you pick?
Richard Burke: Wow. Well being a huge Knicks fan myself, I think you should take someone who's a huge Knicks fan.
Chandler Bing: Ok, that's Eric.
Richard Burke: Glad to be of help. Matches.
Monica Geller: I meant, why don't you take Richard to the game? What?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know.
Monica Geller: C'mon. Keeps his fingers to himself and he's always minty fresh.
Chandler Bing: I don't know, Richard's really nice and everything, uh, it's just that we don't know him really well, ya know, and plus he's, ya know, old -er than some people, but, uh, younger than some buildings.
Monica Geller: So what, he's a little older, big deal, I mean he's important to me. Ya know if you ask him, he might take you on his Jag.
Joey Tribbiani: How do we say yes now and make it seem like we're not doin' it just to ride in the cool car?
Chandler Bing: Ok, this could be tough.
Joey Tribbiani: Ok ok ok ok. Monica, we'll bring him, but only if he takes the Jaguar.
Chandler Bing: Ooh, you almost had it.
Ross Geller: No no, you're fine, you're fine.
Carol Willick: Hello
Ross Geller: Hi.
Susan Bunch: Hey.
Carol Willick: Hi honey.
Ross Geller: Oh you guys are not gonna believe what happened.
Carol Willick: What?
Susan Bunch: What?
Ross Geller: Ok, we were sitting over there playing on the floor and he grabs the table and he pulls himself up. He pulled himself up. Standing man. I'm sorry you guys missed it but I did tape it so it you guys want to see it.
Carol Willick: Uhh, we know, he already did it last week.
Susan Bunch: You can watch our tape if you want.
Ross Geller: I don't believe this. I miss, I miss the first time of everything. I missed, what, the first time he rolled over, the first time he crawled. What else did I miss? Has he spoken yet, is he driving, does he have a favorite liquour?
Carol Willick: Actually, he is getting closer on the talking thing. He can't quite say mama yet, but once he said yumen.
Ross Geller: Ooh, I, I'm so sick of missing stuff. Ya know, I want him for more than, than a day, I want him for a whole weekend. No listen , I mean, I feel like-
Ross Geller: Really? I mean, I, I had a whole speach prepared.
Susan Bunch: Oh shout, that would have been fun.
Ross Geller: Oh look, did, did you just see that? Did you see? He just waved, he just waved, he's never waved before, you've never waved before. Yes he has. Very good.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hey Phoebs, whatcha got there?
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, Love Story, Brian's Song, and Terms of Endearment.
Monica Geller: Wow, all you need now is The Killing Fields and some guacamole and you've got yourself a part-ay.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I talked to my grandma about the Old Yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. You know, before she killed herself.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car.
Monica Geller: So'd you guys have fun?
Chandler Bing: Your boyfriend is so cool.
Monica Geller: Really?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, he let us drive his Jaguar. Joey for 12 blocks, me for 15.
Rachel Green: Wow, he must like you the best.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, what about that thing he did when he tipped the guy who showed us to our seats. You never even saw the money, it was like this. Hey Chandler, thanks for showing us to our seats .
Chandler Bing: You're welcome. Hey Joey, thanks for parking the car .
Joey Tribbiani: No problem. Hey Chandler
Chandler Bing: I think they get it.
Joey Tribbiani: Ok.
Chandler Bing: There's the man.
Joey Tribbiani: He-he-eyy.
Richard Burke: Hey, you're gettin' better. I'm gonna keep this by the way.
Joey Tribbiani: Ok. He kept my dollar.
Monica Geller: So your first whole weekend without Ben, what're you guys gonna do?
Carol Willick: Uh, we're going down to Colonial Williamsburg.
Susan Bunch: Yeah, a woman I went to college with just became the first female blacksmith down there.
Ross Geller: Well, ya know, they're a little behind the times in Colonial Williamsburg.
Carol Willick: Think I better go before mommy starts weeping.
Ross Geller: Buy mommy.
Ross Geller: Have a good time. Ok, Ben.
Monica Geller: Ross.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Monica Geller: Look. Joey, do you know we can see you from here?
Joey Tribbiani: How come Richard looks so much cooler with one of these than me?
Ross Geller: Well for starters, you may want to light it and lose the spatula.
Monica Geller: You know what, I think it's cute, you trying to be more like Richard.
Joey Tribbiani: Not like him, per-se, just not un-like him.
Ross Geller: Look it's the artist formerly known as Chandler.
Chandler Bing: Just tryin' somethin' here, ya know.
Monica Geller: So Joey, why didn't you grow a moustache?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh we flipped for it. I got the cigar, he got the moustache. Figured if we both grew it, we'd look like dorks.
Ross Geller: Yeah, you really sidestepped that land mine.
Chandler Bing: Hey listen, we've gotta go, I promised Richard we'd meet him downstairs.
Monica Geller: You're meeting Richard?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, we're goin' to a Ranger game.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, didn't he tell ya?
Monica Geller: Well, he told me he was going out with the guys, I just didn't know that you were the guys.
Chandler Bing: You hear that? We're the guys.
Joey Tribbiani: We're the guys.
Monica Geller: With that moustache doesn't Chandler remind you of Aunt Sylvia?
Ross Geller: Thank you.
Ross Geller: Hi, we're visitiing. It's Ben and his da-da. Da-da. Can you say da-da? Look, I'm gonna tell your momies you said it anyway so you might as well try.
Rachel Green: No luck huh?
Ross Geller: Naa. A while ago I got a sah out of him, which I thought, ya know, might turn into sah-condary caregiver but... Hey, would you uh, would you hold him for a sec, 'cause I, I gotta take this off.
Rachel Green: Oh, yeah sure, Ok.
Ross Geller: What're you doing?
Rachel Green: Uh, I'm holding Ben.
Ross Geller: Yeah, well, he's a baby not a bomb.
Rachel Green: Ok.
Ross Geller: Well just hold him like you'd hold a football.
Rachel Green: This is how I would hold a football.
Ross Geller: Ok, here, here. There we go.
Rachel Green: Ok, I'm sorry, I'm just not very good with babies. I mean I haven't been around them, I mean, you know, since I was one.
Ross Geller: It's alright, it's no big deal.
Rachel Green: Really?
Ross Geller: Yeah, definitely, I'm sure you'll feel totally different when it's our baby.
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: You think about stuff like that?
Ross Geller: Uhh, yeah. I mean, actually I kinda think that we'll have, we'll have two babies.
Rachel Green: Two, two babies?
Ross Geller: Yeah. Ya know, a boy and a girl. Hopefully the girl will come first so Ben here won't feel too competitive.
Rachel Green: Then what's gonna happen?
Ross Geller: Well, we won't wanna raise kids in the city so we'll probably move to uh, Scarsdale.
Rachel Green: Uh-huh.
Ross Geller: Yeah, that way I figure, ya know, we'll be far enough away from our parents that we don't have to see them all the time but close enough that they can come over and babysit whenever we want. And yes, I know, the taxes are a little higher than, let's say, Nassau county but the school system's supposedly great.
Rachel Green: Wow. Wow, that's great. Great. Ok, wow, you know what.
Ross Geller: Huh?
Rachel Green: I'm off my break now so uh, um here you take this and um, I am gonna go pour these very nice people some coffee. Ok. Oh look at that, I don't have a pot. I don't have a pot. Well, hey, maybe I've got one at home, or in Scarsdale. Hey is that a door?
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Richard Burke: Hey Phoebs, what's happening?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, ok, murder, cancer, soccer teams eating each other in the Andes.
Monica Geller: So you watched the movies huh?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh huh, what is happening to the world? I mean, no no no, 'cause ET leaves, and and Rocky loses, Charlotte dies.
Richard Burke: Charlotte who?
Phoebe Buffay: With the web, the spider she dies, she does. She has babies and dies. It's like ya know, hey welcome home from the hospital, thud.
Monica Geller: Alright, you wanna feel better?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Monica Geller: Ok, here, watch this.
Phoebe Buffay: It's a Wonderful Life. Yes I've heard of this.
Monica Geller: So you can't lose, it's there in the title. Wonderfullness is baked right in.
Phoebe Buffay: Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, Pride of the Yankees, I thought I was gonna see a film about Yankee pride and then, boom, the guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease.
Richard Burke: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming?
Phoebe Buffay: Phoebe, just watch that, I promise it will resotre all your faith in humanity.
Chandler Bing: Hey, big guy, game time.
Richard Burke: Hey, be right there.
Monica Geller: There's a game?
Chandler Bing: Uh, yeah, I just got my pick-up sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel.
Richard Burke: It's the basketball playoffs.
Monica Geller: Listen, um honey, I appreciate this but you don't have to keep hanging out with them for me, I mean, they have each other.
Richard Burke: Oh, no, honey, I mean, don't worry, I like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends, they don't start sentences with, 'You know who just died shoveling snow?'
Monica Geller: Alright that's great, then just go. Go Knicks.
Richard Burke: Uh, it's the college playoffs.
Monica Geller: Oh, then go Vassar.
Richard Burke: Uh, they're not in it.
Monica Geller: Ok, then just go.
Richard Burke: Ok.
Monica Geller: Oh, why does this bother me so much? I mean I don't wanna be one of those people who tells their boyfriend they wanna spend 24 hours a day with them.
Phoebe Buffay: Sure.
Monica Geller: It's just that he doesn't have that much free time, ya know, and I don't know, what do I do?
Phoebe Buffay: Does it matter? You're ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pets head off.
Rachel Green: Aghh.
Phoebe Buffay: Me too.
Monica Geller: I've got a question. Richard made plans again with the guys.
Rachel Green: Yeah well, Ross just made plans for the whole century.
Monica Geller: Ya know what, I think I'm gonna go to my room and read Cosmo, maybe there's something helpful in there. Know what, at least maybe I can learn how to do an at home bikini wax with leftover Cristmas candles.
Ross Geller: Ok, what the hell happened back there?
Rachel Green: I don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know, I've got two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes.
Ross Geller: Well I'm sorry, I think about stuff. Ya know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind wanders.
Rachel Green: Ross, you have planned out the next 20 years of our lives, we've been dating for six weeks.
Ross Geller: C'mon, what, you never think about our future?
Rachel Green: Yes, but I, I think about who's apartment we're gonna sleep at tomorrow night and, and where we're gonna have dinner next Saturday night. I do not think about what our childrens' names are gonna be. You know what our childrens names are gonna be.
Ross Geller: No, no, I mean, ya know, I, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I thought that might be good.
Rachel Green: What was the book?
Ross Geller: The big book of childrens' names.
Rachel Green: Ok, Ross, Ross, ok listen, what we have is amazing.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: But I do not want to have everything decided for me. I spent my whole life like that. It's what I had with Barry, that was one of the reasons I left. I, I like not knowing right now and I'm sorry if that scares you but if you want to be with me you are gonna have to deal with that.
Ross Geller: Ok fine.
Rachel Green: Thank you.
Ross Geller: We're not done.
Rachel Green: I didn't know that.
Ross Geller: Ok, then you're gonna have to understand that you're with a guy who's not gonna stop planning his future with you because he knows that we're gonna end up together and if that scares you, tough, 'cause you're gonna have to deal with that.
Rachel Green: Fine, I will.
Ross Geller: Good, 'cause I love you.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Well I love you too.
Ross Geller: Well that's the first time we've said that.
Rachel Green: Yes it is.
Ross Geller: Well, I'm gonna kiss you.
Rachel Green: Well you better.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Oh thanks for the great movie tip.
Monica Geller: Did you like it?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah. You know, I don't know if I was happier when um George Bailey destroyed the family business or um, Donna Reid cried, or when the mean pharmacist made his ear bleed.
Monica Geller: Alright, I'll give you the ear thing but don't you think the ending was pretty wonderful?
Phoebe Buffay: I didn't watch the ending, I was too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse, it should have been called, "It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does."
Chandler Bing: Kick save and... denied.
Richard Burke: But... he gets it back, pass to the middle, lines it up and... BAM! Yes! Could that shot BE any prettier?
Joey Tribbiani: Man you are incredible.
Richard Burke: Well, we had a table in college.
Chandler Bing: Oh really, I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's.
Richard Burke: Nice moustache by the way. When puberty hits that thing's really gonna kick in.
Monica Geller: Honey. Uh, not to sound too Florence Henderson but, dinner's on the table.
Richard Burke: Ok, just one more point.
Monica Geller: Score! Now can we go?
Chandler Bing: See, that's why we don't let her play.
Richard Burke: Is everything all right?
Monica Geller: Um-hmm.
Richard Burke: Uh-oh.
Chandler Bing: Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with.
Richard Burke: Well.
Joey Tribbiani: No no, seriously, Chandler and I were just talkin about this. He is so much cooler than our dads. I mean, you know, our dad's are ok, ya know, but Richard is just- ow, ow. What are you kickin me for? Huh? I'm tryin to talk here.
Richard Burke: Uh, you guys see me as a dad?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah.
Chandler Bing: No.
Joey Tribbiani: Nooooo.
Chandler Bing: Your just, your just clearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal.
Richard Burke: Uh-huh, yeah.
Chandler Bing: No no, seriously, Joey's my dad, Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work.
Richard Burke: That's fine. Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romantic evening and I guess I'll just see you kids around.
Monica Geller: Nighty-nite.
Chandler Bing: You're not a dad. You're not a dad.
Joey Tribbiani: Not a dad.
Chandler Bing: I can't believe you got us into trouble.
Monica Geller: So are you ok?
Richard Burke: Yeah, just, I feel like I'm about a hundred. I thought I was just one of the guys.
Monica Geller: Come here. I'll make you feel like one of the guys. You know for a really cool guy, you suck at foosball.
Richard Burke: What're you talkin' about, I was killin' 'em.
Monica Geller: Yeah, well they suck too.
Ross Geller: Ok, and then you take the poopie diaper and you put it in the poopie diaper pail.
Rachel Green: Ok Ross, just so you know, calling it a poopie diaper doesn't make this process any cuter.
Ross Geller: Hello.
Carol Willick: It's us.
Ross Geller: Come on up. I'm gonna get the rest of his stuff together.
Rachel Green: Ok, we can do this now, can't we Ben? Yes we can, yes we can. There. I did it. I did it. Look at that, oh, stays on and everything. Hi.
Ben Geller: Hi.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry, what did you just say? Did you just say hi? Oh my God, Ross, Ross, Ben just said 'Hi'.
Ross Geller: Wha, what?
Rachel Green: Ben just said hi.
Ross Geller: What, the word hi?
Rachel Green: Ye-, no, my Uncle Hi.
Ross Geller: Great, great, and I miss that too, I miss everything.
Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I just bring it out in him.
Rachel Green: Guess what. Ben just said his first word.
Carol Willick: What did he say?
Ross Geller: Something about hi.
Susan Bunch: That's so exciting.
Carol Willick: Mommy is so proud of you. Hi. Hi.
Rachel Green: You know, actually it's more like, hi.
Carol Willick: Hi.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Carol Willick: Hi.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Carol Willick: Hi.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Carol Willick: Hi.
Susan Bunch: Ok, this could go on for a while.
Carol Willick: We've got a cab waiting downstairs.
Ross Geller: Well, this was fun. Uh, we should really do it again sometime, wha'dya say? Ok. Alright so I've got him.
Carol Willick: Tuesday.
Ross Geller: Tuesday right. Ok, bye you guys.
Rachel Green: Take care.
Ross Geller: Bye Ben.
Ben Geller: Bye.
Rachel Green: Did, did he just, did he, did he just say, he said bye. He said bye. You said, you said bye to me. You said bye to me.
Susan Bunch: Suddenly I'm seeing him go off to college.
Carol Willick: We've gotta go, we've got that cab waiting.
Ross Geller: Alright, alright, ok. Bye.
Ben Geller: Bye.
Ross Geller: Bye.
Ben Geller: Bye.
Ross Geller: Bye.
Ben Geller: Bye.
Ross Geller: Bye.
Ernie: Oh wow, look at this nice deep hole I've been digging. Hey Bert, isn't this a nice hole here. Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't find him. Now, I've looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, ok, before that happens, there's some pretty rough goin' for a while but I think we can handle it. And, there's just the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Ok, here we go.
Ernie: Bert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend Bert? He was here just a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'm so glad you're here.


Joey Tribbiani: Hey Monica, why are we watchin' the business channel?
Monica Geller: 'Cause I was going by it the other day and I saw that there was a stock with my initials, MEG, on it and, well, sometimes I have to watch for two or three hours before it comes up again but when it does, it's pretty exciting.
Rachel Green: Ok honey, you really need a job.
Ross Geller: Mon, speaking of which, dad says he knows someone you can call for an interview.
Monica Geller: Really.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, right there. That, that's the third sign today. Right there.
Ross Geller: On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say behuh.
Phoebe Buffay: No, 'cause you just said dad and everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling me to go see my father. Like when I was walking over here and I passed a buffet...which is my father's last name.
Everyone: Ahh.
Phoebe Buffay: And they were serving franks which is his first name minus the s at the end. And there was a rotisserie with spinning chicken.
Monica Geller: His indian name?
Phoebe Buffay: No because I chickened out the last time when I tried to meet him. So I mean coincidences? I don't think so.
Ross Geller: Freakish.
Monica Geller: Wow.
Joey Tribbiani: Freaky.
Monica Geller: Weird, weird.
Rachel Green: Ok, so uh, who wants the last hamburger?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, alright, that's it, now I have to go see him.
Monica Geller: Why?
Phoebe Buffay: Hamburger. McDonald's. Old MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a pharmacist.
Chandler Bing: Man, I am so beat.
Ross Geller: Oh yeah.
Chandler Bing: Hey, you just wanna forget about raquetball and hang out here?
Ross Geller: Yeah alright.
Big Bully: Hey you're in our seats.
Ross Geller: Oh, sorry we didn't know.
Little Bully: Hey, we were sitting there.
Chandler Bing: Ok, there is one more way to say it, who knows it?
Little Bully: Is that supposed to be funny?
Chandler Bing: No actually, I was just going for colorful.
Big Bully: What's with this guy?
Little Bully: What's with you?
Ross Geller: Uh, nothing, nothing's with him. Enjoy your coffee.
Chandler Bing: What just happened?
Little Bully: I just took your hat. See, I can be funny too. My, my joke is that I, I took your hat.
Chandler Bing: That, that is funny. Can I have it back?
Little Bully: No.
Chandler Bing: No?
Big Bully: No.
Ross Geller: Ok, ok, you know what? I think you're very funny. Kudos on that hat joke. But, come on guy just, just give him back the hat.
Big Bully: Why should we?
Ross Geller: Because it's a special hat. See he bought it 'cause he was feeling really down one day so he got the hat to cheer himself up, ya know. Now Chandler...
Chandler Bing: Stop talking, stop talking now. Let me just get this straight. You're actually stealing my hat?
Big Bully: You got a problem with that?
Chandler Bing: No, just wanna make sure we're on the same page.
Rachel Green: Hey, how'd the interview go?
Monica Geller: It bit. It was a 50's theme restraunt. I have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter. I mean I was a chef at Cafe des Artistes. I mean how could I take a job where I have to make something called Laverne and Curly Fries?
Rachel Green: So don't do it.
Monica Geller: How can I not do it? I have $127 in the bank.
Joey Tribbiani: Monica, relax, go get a beer.
Monica Geller: I don't want a beer.
Joey Tribbiani: Who said it was for you?
Rachel Green: What's the matter with you?
Chandler Bing: The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat.
Rachel Green: Noo.
Joey Tribbiani: You're kiddin'.
Ross Geller: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies, ya know. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
Rachel Green: Oohhh.
Ross Geller: Hi.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Chandler Bing: Ohhh Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, woah, let's go down there and get your hat back.
Chandler Bing: Na, forget it, it's probably stripped and sold for parts by now.
Monica Geller: Hey, I went up.
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller: My stock, MEG, it went up 2 points. Hey guys, do you realize that if I had invested my $127 in myself yesterday that I'd like have...a lot more than that today. Ya know what, I'm gonna do it.
Joey Tribbiani: Do what?
Monica Geller: Put all my money in me.
Rachel Green: Monica, what are you talking about? You don't know the first thing about the stock market.
Monica Geller: What's to know? Buy sell, high low, bears bulls... Yes Manhattan...yeah telephone number of the stock...selling store.
Joey Tribbiani: See, didn't I tell ya these pillows would be a good idea?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh God, here we go. For the first time in my life I'm gonna say 'Hi birthfather'.
Rachel Green: We love you, we're here for you.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah good luck, good luck.
Phoebe Buffay: Thanks.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Rach, you uh, you want some sandwich?
Rachel Green: Ohh, what is in that?
Joey Tribbiani: Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo.
Rachel Green: No no, 'cause mayo, that would make it gross.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, hey, no, oh oh.
Rachel Green: Run Phoebe run.
Phoebe Buffay: No no no, doggie please. Oh, I do so wanna love all animals, please no.
Joey Tribbiani: Get him a bone, get a bone. You gotta bone?
Rachel Green: Are you kidding me?
Phoebe Buffay: Look kibbles, bits. Oh God, alright, get the hell off my leg you yippity piece of crap. Ok, alright, we have a problem.
Joey Tribbiani: Well why don't you just reach out and take his trampoline.
Rachel Green: Ok, here, I know what we can do.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, hey no.
Rachel Green: Ok, doggie get the- aahhh. Ok go get the sandwich, get the sandwich doggie. Good doggie get the sandwich, get the...ok, Joey, the dog will lick himself but he will not touch your sandwich, what does that say?
Joey Tribbiani: Well if he's not gonna eat it, I will.
Phoebe Buffay: Are you crazy?
Joey Tribbiani: Phoebs, he's just a little dog. Ahhh.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Ross Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: Do you have to be a Century 21 real-estate agent to get to wear those really cool jackets?
Ross Geller: Do you say this stuff to girls?
Big Bully: Hehehehey, isn't that the guy who used to wear your hat?
Little Bully: And look where they're sitting.
Ross Geller: You're joking, right? You guys just walked through the door.
Big Bully: Maybe we didn't make it clear enough.
Little Bully: Yeah.
Big Bully: This couch belongs to us.
Chandler Bing: Alright, I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then, and then we'll call the couch, and we'll see who it comes to.
Big Bully: You know what I keep wondering? Why you two are still sitting here.
Ross Geller: Alright, that's it. I've had enough of this, alright. Gunther, these guys are trying to take our seat.
Gunther: Fellas, these guys were here first.
Big Bully: Oh, sorry, I didn't realize.
Little Bully: Sorry.
Gunther: There you go.
Ross Geller: Thank you Gunther. We didn't want to have to go and do that.
Little Bully: He told on us?
Big Bully: You told on us?
Ross Geller: Well pal, you didn't give me much of a choice.
Chandler Bing: Don't play with his things.
Ross Geller: I know.
Big Bully: Alright, let's take this outside.
Ross Geller: Let's, let's take this outside? Who talks like that?
Big Bully: The guy that's about to kick your ass talks like that.
Chandler Bing: You had to ask.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Ok, ok look, see, the thing is we're, we're not gonna fight you guys.
Little Bully: Well then here's the deal, you won't have to so long as never ever show your faces in this coffee house ever again.
Chandler Bing: I think you played the Gunther card too soon.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Phoeb's, I think you're good to go.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I don't know.
Rachel Green: What's the matter?
Phoebe Buffay: I just think that this was a really bad sign, ya know. I mean, like the beast at the threshold, you know. It's just like, I have no family left, ya know. I mean except for my grandmother, you know, but let's face it, she's not gonna be around forever, despite what she says. And I have a sister who I've barely spoken to since we like shared a womb. I don't know, this is my real father and I just, I want things to be like just right.
Rachel Green: Yeah Phoebe, I completely understand.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, whatever you need. Hey, you wanna go home?
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, thanks. Sorry, again
Phoebe Buffay: What was that?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, I'm guessing the threshold's clear now.
Monica Geller: I wanna buy 5 shares of SGJ and I wanna buy them now. C'mon time is money my friend. Thank you. Wooo.
Rachel Green: Time is money my friend?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you missed, 'Takes money to make money,' and uh, 'Don't make me come down there and kick your wall street butt.'
Monica Geller: Hey, I made $17 before breakfast, what have you done?
Joey Tribbiani: Well uh, I had breakfast here so technically I saved $3.50.
Rachel Green: How did you make $17.
Monica Geller: Well, my financially challenged friends, I split my money and I bought some shares of CHP and ZXY.
Joey Tribbiani: How come those?
Monica Geller: Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY becuase I think it sounds zexy.
Rachel Green: What happened to uh, MEG.?
Monica Geller: MEG was good for me but I dumped her. Ya know, my motto is get out before they go down.
Joey Tribbiani: That is so not my motto.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hey Phoebs. Oh hey, how's the dog?
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, I talked to the vet, people are so nice upstate. Anyway, he said that the little fella's gonna be ok and I can pick him up tomorrow.
Joey Tribbiani: Good.
Rachel Green: Oh, thank God.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but he did have to have a bunch of stitches and he said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back so...still hoping.
Rachel Green: Ok, so Phoebe, now are you gonna call your dad and let him know that his dog is ok?
Phoebe Buffay: I, I don't wanna meet my father over the phone. What am I gonna say, like 'Hi, I'm Phoebe, the daughter you abandoned. Oh, by the way, I broke your dog.'
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Phoebs, if you want, I'll do it.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok. Listen, just don't say anything about me, ok.
Monica Geller: DON'T...be too long with the phone.
Rachel Green: She'll be a much better friend when the market closes.
Joey Tribbiani: It's a woman.
Phoebe Buffay: So talk to her.
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, hello Miss Buffay. I know where your dog is. I want you to know that he'll be returned to you, almost as good as new, within, within 24 hours. Uh, goodbye.
Rachel Green: Why the voice.
Joey Tribbiani: Hard to say.
Chandler Bing: Your cappucino sir.
Ross Geller: Thank you.
Chandler Bing: Ya know I think this is much better than the coffee house.
Ross Geller: Absolutely.
Ross Geller: How come it's not mixing with the water?
Chandler Bing: Well the package says you have to uh, constantly keep it moving. Stir and drink, stir and drink, never let it settle.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, this is ridiculous. I'll tell you what. After I get back from my neice's christening, I'll go down to the coffee house with you and we'll all have a nice cup of coffee alright. No problem, Joey's there.
Chandler Bing: Ok.
Ross Geller: No.
Chandler Bing: No?
Ross Geller: No. Man I don't wanna have to have Joey with me every time I wanna descent cup of coffee. Ya know, and I don't wanna spend the rest of my life drinking cappucino with a 'K'. I say you and I go back down there and stand up to those guys.
Chandler Bing: Alright, hang on a second there Custer.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah really, Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?
Ross Geller: Yeah, sure.
Joey Tribbiani: By someone besides Monica?
Ross Geller: No. So what. So what if we get beaten up, maybe that's just something every man has to go through once in his life. Ya know, like a, like a right of passage or somethin'.
Chandler Bing: Well, couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Ya know, because I think actually mine's growing back.
Monica Geller: I need to borrow a hundred bucks.
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller: Hi, welcome home. I need to borrow a hundred bucks.
Rachel Green: For what?
Monica Geller: I've gotta get back in the game.
Rachel Green: Why, when did you get out of the game?
Monica Geller: I don't know, I lost it all ok. I lost it.
Rachel Green: Oh no.
Monica Geller: Hey, I've come to terms with it, you have to too.
Rachel Green: Ok. Look uhh, Mon I'm, I'm really sorry.
Monica Geller: Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are we on the hundred bucks?
Rachel Green: I, I don't have it.
Monica Geller: But I need it. Otherwords I'm gonna have to take that horrible diner job. You know, with the dancing and the costumes. I don't wanna have to wear flame retardant boobs.
Rachel Green: Nobody does honey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi.
Mrs. Buffay: Schnoodle. Oh my God, what the hell happened to my dog?
Phoebe Buffay: It was an accident, and, and the woman who did this would never ever hurt a dog on purpose. She's a vegetarian.
Mrs. Buffay: What are these, stitches?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, eight of them. That's 56 to him. You know also, if, if it's raining, you can't let him look up too long 'cause that cone'll fill up really really fast.
Mrs. Buffay: Yeah well, thanks for bringing back what's left of him.
Phoebe Buffay: Sure, oh, is, is Frank home.
Mrs. Buffay: How do you know Frank?
Phoebe Buffay: Just from a, from a long time ago. Is he here?
Mrs. Buffay: Yeah. Frank.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah. What?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, ok, um, I mean Frank senior.
Mrs. Buffay: He went out for groceries.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok so will he be back soon?
Mrs. Buffay: Well he left four years ago so we're expecting him back any minute now.
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, I'm, I'm gonna go. I'm sorry about the dog, everything. I'm sorry.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey lady. Hey wait up. How do you know my dad?
Phoebe Buffay: Um well I don't really. Just genetically. He's kinda my dad too.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Heavy.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. So um, did he ever talk about me, Phoebe?
Frank Buffay Jr.: No but he didn't really talk about anything.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Except stilts.
Phoebe Buffay: Stilts?
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, he loved stilts. One time I was upstairs, I was stealing cigarettes out of my mom's purse, and uh, all of a sudden I look over and there's my dad's head bobbing past the window. He just had this big smile on his face and he was waving 'cause he was always happiest when he was on his stilts.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know what to do with that.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Me neither. So you're like my big sister.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Frank Buffay Jr.: This is huge, you can buy me beer.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm not gonna. But you know what's cool though? Ok, if you had a friend named Pete, then I could say, 'Oh yeah, I know Pete, he's friends with my brother.'
Frank Buffay Jr.: I gotta friend named Mark.
Phoebe Buffay: That'll work too.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Cool, alright. So maybe, ya know, I could give you a call sometime, we could talk or somethin'.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, that'd be ok.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Alright.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, I'm in the book.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Ok, yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Alright. So um, stilts huh?
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah hey, you know if you want I can take you around back and show you where he hit his head on the rain gutter.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok.
Ross Geller: Well we did it, we're here. We are standing our ground. How long does a cup of coffee take?
Chandler Bing: Would you come on! Come on! Thank you.
Chandler Bing: Ah, there we go.
Ross Geller: I think we proved our point.
Chandler Bing: You burn your mouth?
Ross Geller: Cannot feel my tounge.
Chandler Bing: Bullies, big bullies.
Little Bully: Oh, look who's here, it's the weenies.
Big Bully: Did we not make ourselves clear the other day.
Ross Geller: Yes, and that's why we're here.
Chandler Bing: Yes, we're standing out ground...apparently.
Little Bully: Let's do this alright.
Ross Geller: Woah, ho-ho, whad'ya got there, a weapon?
Little Bully: It's a nice watch, I don't wanna break it on your ribs.
Chandler Bing: Alright, let's do this.
Little Bully: Alright.
Chandler Bing: Question. If I don't care about my watch, can I use it as a weapon?
Ross Geller: Whad'ya mean?
Chandler Bing: Well, it's sharp, it's metal, I think I can do some, you know, serious damage with it.
Big Bully: No, you can't use your watch.
Chandler Bing: Ok.
Big Bully: Or your keys.
Chandler Bing: Ok.
Little Bully: Look, here's what we'll do. We'll put all keys and watches in the hat over there. Alright. Alright, c'mon man, let's do this.
Ross Geller: Before I forget, are we hitting faces?
Big Bully: Of course we're hitting faces, why wouldn't you hit faces?
Ross Geller: Well because I have to work on Monday, I have a big presentation.
Little Bully: Actually, you know, uh, I gotta show this apartment tomorrow and uh, you know, this no faces thing might not be a bad idea.
Big Bully: Ok, nothing from the neck up. Or the waist down. Dana's ovulating.
Little Bully: Oh really, you guys tryin' again?
Big Bully: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Ok, so let me just get this straight. So we're uh, strictly talking about the middle?
Big Bully: C'MON!
Ross Geller: Hey, hey, woah, you want some of this, huh? You want a piece of this, huh? I'm standin here, huh.
Chandler Bing: Hey, hey, those guys are takin our stuff!
Ross Geller: Hey.
Big Bully: Hey.
Ross Geller: God, that was, that was amazing, that was incredible. You guys, you guys kicked butt.
Little Bully: Us, what about you guys? Man you really, bing, gave it to old Mr. Clean back there. He was a big guy.
Ross Geller: Yeah he was wasn't he.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I wouldn't know having missed everything.
Big Bully: Don't do that to yourself. Any one of us could have tripped over that little girls jump-rope.
Ross Geller: So, listen guys, are we uh, are we ok here?
Little Bully: We're ok.
Ross Geller: Alright.
Chandler Bing: Ok so, can I have my hat back?
Little Bully: No.
Chandler Bing: Huh.
Rachel Green: Look at her.
Chandler Bing: Hi Monica.
Joey Tribbiani: He-he-he, how's it goin'?
Phoebe Buffay: Hey nice boobs.
Chandler Bing: Guys guys, check this out.
Joey Tribbiani: Excellent.


Monica Geller: So, I'll get candles and my mom's lace tablecloth, and since it's Rachel's birthday, I mean, we want it to be special, I thought I'd poach a salmon.
Everyone: Ohhh.
Monica Geller: What?
Ross Geller: Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?
Monica Geller: You wanna be in charge of the food committee?
Ross Geller: Question two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees?
Joey Tribbiani: Really. Why can't we just get some pizzas and get some beers and have fun?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside and I'm just not sure we are.
Monica Geller: Alright. If you guys don't want it to be special, fine. You can throw any kind of party you want.
Monica Geller: Joey they're not real. I start miles beneath the surface of these things, ok, they're fake. See honk honk.
Chandler Bing: Wow, it's, it's like porno for clowns.
Ross Geller: I talked to Rachel's sisters, neither of them can come.
Monica Geller: Ok, um so, I still have to invite Dillon and Emma and Shannon Cooper.
Joey Tribbiani: Woah, woah, woah, uh, no Shannon Cooper.
Phoebe Buffay: Why not her?
Joey Tribbiani: Cause she uh, she steals stuff.
Chandler Bing: Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey just slept with her and never called her back.
Monica Geller: Joey that is horriable.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey I liked her, alright. Maybe, maybe too much. I don't know I guess I just got scared.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Joey Tribbiani: I didn't think anyone'd buy that, ok.
Ross Geller: Hi honey, how did it go?
Rachel Green: Agh, it was the graduation from hell.
Chandler Bing: Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship.
Rachel Green: Ya know, I mean this is supposed to be a joyous occasion. My sister's graduating from college, nobody thought she would. It's a true testament to what a girl from long island would do for a Celica.
Monica Geller: So what happened?
Rachel Green: My parents happened. All they had to do was sit in the same stadium, smile proudly, and not talk about the divorce. But nooo, they got into a huge fight in the middle of the commencement address. Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them. But you know what, you know what the good news is? I get to serve coffee for the next 8 hours.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, so I guess we don't invite her parents.
Monica Geller: Well, how bout just her mom?
Chandler Bing: Why her mom?
Monica Geller: Cause I already invited her.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, ooh, did you ask Stacy Roth?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh no, can't invite her. She also steals.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, here are the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake?
Monica Geller: Ok, we're not having birthday cake, we're having birthday flan.
Chandler Bing: Excuse me?
Monica Geller: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh that's nice. Happy birthday Rachel, here's some goo.
Monica Geller: Dr. Greene. Oh my God it's Rachel's dad. What're you doing here?
Leonard Green: What? The father can't drop by to see the daughter on her birthday?
Monica Geller: No no, the father can, but um, since I am the roommate I can tell you that she's not here and I'll pass along the message, ok. So bye-bye.
Leonard Green: Ohhh, you're having a parteee.
Monica Geller: No, no, not a party. Just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows. Um, this is Phoebe and Chandler and Joey.
Leonard Green: I'll never remember all of that. So uh, what's the deal? Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff, is that it?
Chandler Bing: This isn't your first surprise party, is it sir?
Sandra Green: Hi Monica.
Monica Geller: Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus.
Chandler Bing: So, basically just a Chinese guy.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, hey, Dr. Greene, why don't you come with me, we'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed.
Leonard Green: Alright, that sounds like a two person job.
Sandra Green: Well, my goodness, what was that?
Monica Geller: Sandra, I am so sorry, I thought you were Rachel and we just weren't ready for you yet.
Sandra Green: You thought I was Rachel?
Chandler Bing: Yes because uh, you look so young.
Phoebe Buffay: And because you're both, you know, white women.
Sandra Green: Oh, I missed you kids. Well, should I put my coat in the bedroom?
Chandler Bing: NO! No, I'll take that for ya.
Sandra Green: Oh well thank you. Such a gentleman. Thank you. Ahh, it all looks so nice, so festive, all the balloons... The funniest thing happened to me on the way here. I was...
Phoebe Buffay: Ha-ha, that's great, ha-ha. I can't wait to hear the rest of it, ya know, but I really have to go to the bathroom so... Hey, come with me. Yeah, yeah, it'll be like we're gal pals, ya know, like at a restraunt. Oh, it'll be fun, c'mon.
Monica Geller: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Chandler Bing: Ok, think, what would Jack and Chrissy do?
Joey Tribbiani: Ok, now that your coat is safely in the bedr-, oh, ok we can come back out in the living room.
Monica Geller: So uh, Joey and Chanlder, I, I think it's time that you take Dr. Greene over to your place.
Chandler Bing: Uhh, yes, absdolutely, um. Why again?
Monica Geller: Because that's where the party is you goon. See this is just the staging area.
Joey Tribbiani: Right this is staging.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, this more than anything else, is the staging area.
Joey Tribbiani: This is clearly in the wrong apartment.
Chandler Bing: Alright you guys are off to party number one and you, you are off to party number two Alright fellas, let's keep it movin', let' keep it movin.
Monica Geller: Chandler could you at least send some women to my party? Alright that's Ross.
Chandler Bing: Ok, they're coming, shhh.
Rachel Green: Ohh, thank you for the wonderful dinner.
Ross Geller: Thanks for being born.
Rachel Green: Ohh, thank you for my beautiul earrings, they're perfect. I love you.
Ross Geller: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, ok.
Rachel Green: Now I love you even more.
Everyone: Surprise.
Rachel Green: Oh my gosh, wow. Monica. Oh my god. Mom. This is so great.
Sandra Green: Happy birthday sweetie.
Rachel Green: Wow you, you. I had no idea.
Ross Geller: Really?
Rachel Green: No, I knew.
Ross Geller: All right.
Monica Geller: Ok, everybody, there's food and drinks on the table. Go across the hall.
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller: Right now, Joey and Chandler's, go now.
Rachel Green: Why.
Monica Geller: Just go.
Everyone: Surprise.
Leonard Green: Happy birthday sweetpea.
Rachel Green: Daddy.
Rachel Green: Both of them are here, both of them, both of them are here?
Chandler Bing: Well, we could count again.
Rachel Green: I can't believe this is happening.
Ross Geller: You know what, this is ridiculous, ok. This is your birthday, this is your party. I say we just put 'em all together and if they can't deal with it, who cares.
Rachel Green: I do.
Ross Geller: That's who.
Chandler Bing: Look, are you gonna be ok?
Rachel Green: Well, I have to be, I don't really have a choice, I mean, you know, I could look at the bright side, I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes.
Chandler Bing: Well, actually just one birthday flan.
Rachel Green: What?
Chandler Bing: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert...Look talk to Monica, she's on the food committee.
Chandler Bing: Joey, Joey. Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,' and stuck her tounge down my throat. I love this party.
Joey Tribbiani: Quick volleyball question.
Chandler Bing: Volleyball.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?
Chandler Bing: Joey, a woman just stuck her tounge down my throat, I'm not even listening to you.
Girl's Voice: Dennis.
Chandler Bing: Ok, that's me.
Rachel Green: Listen honey, can you keep dad occupied, I'm gonna go talk to mom for a while.
Ross Geller: Ok, do you have any ideas for any openers?
Rachel Green: Uhh, let's just stay clear of 'I'm the guy that's doing you daughter' and you should be ok.
Monica Geller: Ok people, I want you to take a piece of paper, here you go, and write down your most embarassing memory. Oh, and I do ask that when you're not using the markers, you put the caps back on them because they will dry out.
Ross Geller: Hi Dr. Greene. So, uh, how's everything in the uh, vascular surgery...game?
Leonard Green: It's not a game Ross, a woman died on my table today.
Ross Geller: I'm sorry. See that's the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.
Monica Geller: Listen you guys, I don't mean to be a pain about this but, um, I've noticed that some of you are just placing them on. You wanna push the caps until you hear them click. Gunther, where're you going?
Gunther: I um, was sorta thinking about maybe...
Monica Geller: No. No you can't go. No this is fun. Come on we're just getting started. Here, here's your marker.
Phoebe Buffay: Listen if you wanna go, just go.
Gunther: No, she'll yell at me again.
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, I can get you out.
Gunther: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Shh. In a minute, I'm gonna create a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back.
Leonard Green: I think I need a drink.
Ross Geller: Oh, here, I, I'll get it for ya. Whad'ya want?
Leonard Green: Scotch.
Ross Geller: Scotch. Alright, I'll be back in 10 seconds with your scotch on the rocks in a glass.
Leonard Green: Neat.
Ross Geller: Cool.
Leonard Green: No no no, no no no, neat, as in no rocks.
Ross Geller: I know.
Leonard Green: Oh hello Ross, where have you been?
Ross Geller: Hi. Uh, I have been in the bathroom. Stay clear of the salmon mousse.
Sandra Green: Oh, scotch neat. Ya know, that's Rachel's father's drink.
Ross Geller: Oh, mine too. Isn't that neat, scotch neat. Would you excuse me? Hey, hey, where you uh, sneakin off to mister?
Leonard Green: I'm getting my cigarettes out of my jacket.
Ross Geller: No. no.
Leonard Green: Whad'ya mean no?
Ross Geller: No, um, see 'cause that, that is, that is the staging area. If you go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the party. Yeah, I think you take your scotch back in there and I will get your cigarettes for you sir.
Leonard Green: Get my glasses too.
Ross Geller: All righty roo. What a great moment to say that for the first time.
Monica Geller: Ok, the first person's most embarassing memory is, 'Monica, your party sucks.' Very funny.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, ooh, ooh, did somebody forget to use a coaster?
Monica Geller: What? I don't see anything.
Phoebe Buffay: Great, I'm seeing water rings again.
Judy Geller: Ross, whose glasses are those?
Ross Geller: Mine.
Sandra Green: You wear bi-focals?
Ross Geller: Um-hmm. I have a condition, apparently, that I require two different sets of focals.
Sandra Green: Did you know my husband has glasses just like that?
Rachel Green: Well those are very popular frames.
Ross Geller: Neil Sedaka wears them.
Guy: I hear you can get people out of here.
Sandra Green: Rachel, you didn't tell me your boyfriend smoked.
Rachel Green: Yeah, like a chimney.
Ross Geller: Ohh, big smoker. Big big smoker. In fact I'm gonna go ou into the hallway and fire up this bad boy.
Leonard Green: Are you wearing my glasses?
Ross Geller: Yes. I was just warming up the earpieces for you.
Leonard Green: Thank you. Is that one of my cigarettes?
Ross Geller: Yeah, yes it is, I was just moistening the tip.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, ok, she's taking the trash out so I can get you out of here but it has to be now, she'll be back any minute.
Girl 1: What about my friend Victor?
Phoebe Buffay: No, only the three of you, any more than that and she'll get suspicious.
Girl 1: Alright, let me just get my coat.
Phoebe Buffay: There isn't time. You must leave everything. They'll take care of you next door.
Girl 1: Is it true they have beer?
Phoebe Buffay: Everything you've heard is true.
Monica Geller: Could you guys please try to keep it down, we're trying to start a Boggle tournament.
Monica Geller: You, and you, you're supposed to be at my party. And Gunther! What are you doing here?
Gunther: Um
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, welcome to the fu-oh.
Monica Geller: Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, I'm sorry but these people needed me. They work hard all week, it's Saturday night, they deserve to have a little fun. Go.
Monica Geller: Ya know, my party is fun. I mean, maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sorta fun but, you know, if people would just give it a chance...
Rachel Green: You want me to see a therapist?
Sandra Green: Sweetheart, you obviously have a problem. You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father.
Rachel Green: Ok mom, you know what, fine, I'll make an appointment ok, but you know what, right now, I gotta go, I gotta go do a thing.
Leonard Green: Did you know your mother spent $1200 dollars on bansai trees. I felt like Gulliver around that place.
Rachel Green: Daddy, daddy, you know what, I really wanna hear more about this, I really do, but I just have, I just have to do a, some stuff.
Sandra Green: You work and you work and you work at a marriage but all he cares about is his stupid boat.
Leonard Green: You work and you work and you work on a boat...
Sandra Green: He always ridiculed my pottery classs...
Leonard Green: ...and you sand it and you varnish it...
Sandra Green: ...but when all is said and done, he still drinks out of the mugs.
Leonard Green: ...and her yoga and her Bridges of Madison County...
Sandra Green: ...the scotch and the cigarettes...
Leonard Green: ...and the bansai's and the chiuaua...
Sandra Green: ...I may have only been in therapy for three weeks now dear but...
Leonard Green: ...what the hell does she want with half a boat...
Chandler Bing: Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll be skins. Hey, how you holdin' up there, tiger? Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor.
Rachel Green: This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what my life is gonna be like. My mom there, my dad there. Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler how did you get through this?
Chandler Bing: Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed.
Rachel Green: Ya know, I just, so weird. I mean I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other and all I kept thinking about was the fourth of July.
Chandler Bing: Becasue it reminded you of the way our forefathers used to bitch at each other?
Rachel Green: It's just this thing. Every year we would go out on my dad's boat and watch the fireworks. Mom always hated it because the ocean air made her hair all big. My sister Jill would be throwing up over the side and my dad would be upset becasue nobody was helping and then when we did help he would scream at us for doing it wrong. But then when the fireworks started, everybody just shut up, you know, and it'd get really cold, and we would all just sort of smush under this one blanket. It never occured to anybody to bring another one. And now it's just...
Chandler Bing: I, I know.
Monica Geller: Ok, thanks for coming, I hope you guys had fun.
Sandra Green: Alright, Monica dear, I'm gonna hit the road. Now I've left my 10 verbs on the table. And you be sure and send me that finished poem.
Monica Geller: Ok will do. So glad you came.
Sandra Green: I think I saw Rachel out in the hall.
Monica Geller: Ok, let me go check. Your mom want's to say goodbye.
Rachel Green: Oh ok.
Sandra Green: Happy birthday sweetie.
Rachel Green: Ok.
Joey Tribbiani: Ahh, you drive safe.
Sandra Green: Ross, what're you doing.
Ross Geller: I'm getting ready for the water skiing. How are you doing?
Chandler Bing: Well, uh, Dr. Greene, where are you going?
Leonard Green: To get my coat.
Guys: No no no.
Leonard Green: Alright, alright, I can get my own coat.
Chandler Bing: Sorry, we're on a major flan high.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, you're not supposed to be here. This is the staging area, you should, it's all wrong, you should leave, ya know, get out. Or perhaps you'd like a creme d'menthe.
Leonard Green: I have to be heading to my chateau, thank you.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh all right, then I guess we're going back into the hallway.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks for coming Mrs. Greene. Well, ok, you take care.
Sandra Green: Oh, you kids Well, this is the best party I've been to in years.
Monica Geller: Thank you.
Monica Geller: Ok everybody, it's time for flan.
Chandler Bing: Yup, get ready for the gelatenous fun.
Joey Tribbiani: Kinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection.
Monica Geller: Ok, that's enough.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok Rachel, make a special flan wish.
Rachel Green: Ok, I've got one. Wow, those things almost never come true.


Rachel Green: Ok, Chandler, Mon, there's only one bananna nut muffin left.
Monica Geller: Oh, I ordered mine first.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, but I'm, I'm so much faster...
Monica Geller: Give it to me.
Chandler Bing: No.
Monica Geller: Give it to me.
Chandler Bing: Ok, you can have it.
Monica Geller: There you go, enjoy your coffee.
Chandler Bing: That was there when I got here.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey you guys, you will never guess who's coming to New York.
Monica Geller: Quick, Phoebe, tell us before he can swallow.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh ok, Ryan, that guy I went out with, who's in the Navy.
Rachel Green: You went out with a guy in the Navy?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I met him when I was playing guitar in Washington Square Park. Ryan threw in salt water taffy 'cause he didn't have any change.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, is that when you wrote salt water taffy man?
Phoebe Buffay: No. No, he is my submaring guy. He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together. Only this time he's coming for two weeks. Two whole weeks, which means yay.
Rachel Green: So wait, this guy goes down for like two years at a time?
Monica Geller: That'll teach you to lick my muffin.
Ross Geller: Hiii.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh no, what happened?
Ross Geller: Well, I just spoke to Carol. Ben's got the chicken pox.
Everyone: Oh no.
Ross Geller: Yeah, so if you haven't already had it, chances are you're gonna get it.
Rachel Green: Well I've had it.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I've had it.
Monica Geller: Had it.
Chandler Bing: Had it.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I've never had it, I feel so left out. Oh look!
Monica Geller: Honey, you made the bed again. I told you, you don't have to do that. This isn't camp.
Richard Burke: Ooh, then I guess the panty raid last night was totally uncalled for. Ok, I am going to take a shower and today I will be singing Jim Crochee's Leroy Brown.
Richard Burke: Monica... Hey Mon, I have a question. Is Leroy the baddest man in the whole damn town or the fattest man in the whole damn town?
Monica Geller: Baddest. Otherwise the song would be Fat Fat Leroy Brown.
Richard Burke: What're you doing?
Monica Geller: Just waiting for you sweetie.
Richard Burke: Are you remaking the bed?
Monica Geller: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what, the way you did it was just fine.
Richard Burke: Then, you're redoing it because...
Monica Geller: If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy.
Richard Burke: You're pretty much running that risk either way.
Monica Geller: Ok, you see, the tag shouldn't be at the top left corner, it should be at the bottom right corner.
Richard Burke: Oh, well that's not so crazy.
Monica Geller: I'm just easing you in.
Richard Burke: Oh, alright.
Monica Geller: Alright, you see these little flower blossoms? They should be facing up, not down, because, well, the head of the bed is where the sun would be. You don't love me any more do you.
Richard Burke: Actually, if it's possible, I love you more.
Monica Geller: Really? Wow, well then come on, I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point.
Chandler Bing: Hey, look Joey, I'm just saying if you need something to hold you over, I can get you a job right here as an entry level processor.
Joey Tribbiani: But don't you need experience for a job like that?
Chandler Bing: It's not that hard to learn. And as for people realizing you have no idea what you're doing, hey, you're an actor. Act like a processor, people will think you're a processor.
Scott Alexander: Hey Chandler, here's this morning's projections.
Chandler Bing: Hey thanks. Scott Alexander, Joey Tribbianni. Joey is a uh, fellow processor.
Scott Alexander: No kidding.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah yeah. I process. People want the processing, I'm the one they call.
Scott Alexander: Where do you work?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, well, right now I'm in between things. You know how it is. One day you're processing, the next day you're not so much... processing any more.
Chandler Bing: I was just telling Joey about the opening in Fleischman's group.
Scott Alexander: Fleischman's group. Whatever you do, don't touch his sandwiches. Ha-ha-ha...
Joey Tribbiani: Ha-ha. Are all you processors dorks?
Rachel Green: Oh, this lipstick looks just great on you.
Monica Geller: You look fabulous honey, you really do.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? Are you sure, really.
Rachel Green: You see, you look beautiful. For god sakes, dim the lights.
Phoebe Buffay: I, I, I'm hideous.
Monica Geller: It's gonna be ok. Ryan's been under water. He's just gonna be so glad that you don't have barnicles on your butt.
Phoebe Buffay: Come in.
Ryan: Hey baby, I'm back...
Phoebe Buffay: Hey Ryan, what's up?
Ryan: What's goin' on?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, no no, you have to stay back. I, I have the pox.
Ryan: Chicken or small?
Phoebe Buffay: Chicken. Which is so ironic considering I'm a vegetarian.
Ryan: Why aren't you at home in bed?
Phoebe Buffay: 'Cause my, my grandmother's never had chicken pox. Please, please tell me you have, 'cause oh my God, I forgot how cute you are.
Ryan: I'm sorry, I never had 'em.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, ohh.
Ryan: If I had one wish, it would be to build a time machine, go back to when I was 7, when Jimmy Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab that kid and rub him all over my face.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, or you know, you could just wish that I didn't have them now.
Ryan: Can I please see your face?
Phoebe Buffay: Nope. You don't want to see a face covered with pox.
Ryan: Your face could be covered with lochs, I wouldn't care.
Phoebe Buffay: And you hate fish. Oh. That's so sweet, alright. Ok, alright, you can see. This is me... Oh, I am scary.
Ryan: Sorry, the lightning. Lightning was an unfortunate incidence. You look lovely, lovely.
Phoebe Buffay: I hate this. 'Cause I tell you, I had the most amazing two weeks planned for us, and almost everything I had in mind, we had to be a lot closer than this.
Ryan: Phoebe, I have spent the last eight months in a steel tube with men, thinking about this moment. I am not gonna let a bunch of itchy spots stand between us.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, this is the most romantic disease I've ever had.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hey, how's the first day goin'?
Joey Tribbiani: Pretty good. It's like you said. It's mostly just putting numbers from one column into another column.
Chandler Bing: Well there you go.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey and everbody is so nice. I just had a good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie.
Chandler Bing: Jeannie, the head of east coast operations Jeannie?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, turns out our kids go to the same school. Small world huh?
Chandler Bing: Weird world. Your kids?
Joey Tribbiani: I figure my character has kids.
Chandler Bing: Ya know there isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, see when you're acting you need to think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph the processor guy, has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does.
Chandler Bing: Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Joseph and his wife, Karen, are thinking of having a third kid... Ya know what? Just did.
Chandler Bing: Really? Wow. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there.
Ryan: You know what makes the itching even worse?
Phoebe Buffay: That you don't stop talking about it.
Ryan: Fine.
Phoebe Buffay: Let's just play, ok. Good, ok. Here we go, double sixes, here we go... Here we go, come to mama, just getting ready to roll the dice...
Ryan: What're you doing? Are you scratching?
Phoebe Buffay: No. This is what I do for luck, ok.
Ryan: You're scratching. Give me the dice.
Phoebe Buffay: No.
Ryan: Give me the dice.
Phoebe Buffay: No. Here. There. Ooh, double sixes.
Ryan: We can't scratch. You know we can't, we'll scar.
Phoebe Buffay: Uhh, I can't stop thinking about it. It's just so hard. I just wanna grab all these houses and rub 'em all over my body.
Ryan: No.
Phoebe Buffay: Give it.
Ryan: No.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, come on. You know you want it, you know you want it too, come on. Let's just be bad, it'll feel so good.
Ryan: Oh God help me.
Phoebe Buffay: Now do me, do my back. Oh come on, harder.
Rachel Green: Oh, stop that, stop that right now.
Ross Geller: You know, I might have expected this of you Phoebe, but Ryan, you're a military man.
Joey Tribbiani: You and Milton have to join us on the boat. Karen'll pack a lunch, you'll bring the kids, we'll make a day of it.
Jeannie: Oh, that sounds lovely. We're gonna have to set that up. Oh, I better get back. Hope the baby feels better.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, thanks, thanks. Bye bye Jeannie.
Jeannie: Bye bye Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: What a phony.
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing. Hey Mr. Douglas.
Joey Tribbiani: Sir.
Mr. Douglas: Uh, listen Bing, I received your memo. So, we're not gonna receive the systems report until next Friday?
Chandler Bing: Well the people in my group wanna spend the holiday weekend with their families.
Mr. Douglas: I have a family, I'm gonna be here.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah Bing, what's that about?
Chandler Bing: It's about cutting my people a little slack, ya know, for morale. Look, if you wanna see some rough numbers, I can get them to you by Wednesday.
Mr. Douglas: Rough numbers?
Joey Tribbiani: This company was not built on rough numbers. Am I right Mr. Douglas.
Mr. Douglas: Have the final numbers on my desk by Tuesday.
Chandler Bing: Uh, if you say so sir.
Joey Tribbiani: Joseph's good, isn't he?
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm going to kill you.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, I just figure Joseph's the kinda guy that likes to mix it up. Ya know, get in there, ruffle some feathers.
Chandler Bing: Why?
Joey Tribbiani: Look, I'm sorry but that's what Joseph does, ok. If you try to pull somethin', he'll call you on it. 'What're you tryin' to pull,' he'll say.
Richard Burke: Ooh, duct tape. Was I supposed to bring something too?
Monica Geller: This is for the scratchy twins out there. I taped oven mits to their hands.
Richard Burke: You're strict.
Monica Geller: It's for their own good.
Richard Burke: You know, I like the way you have efficiently folded this tab under. See in a tape emergency you could shave valuable seconds off your time.
Monica Geller: Exactly. Oh, I love that I can be totally neurotic around you now. Tell me the truth. Don't you like it better now that everything on your desk is perpendicular?
Richard Burke: If it's not a right angle, it is a wrong angle.
Monica Geller: Very good.
Richard Burke: Thank you.
Monica Geller: You know what. Tomorrow I'm gonna do your clocks.
Richard Burke: You're gonna do what to my clocks.
Monica Geller: I'm gonna set them to my time.
Richard Burke: Well, I'm confused. I thought we shared time.
Monica Geller: No no. See, in my bedroom I set my clock six minutes fast. You wanna know why?
Richard Burke: Because it's in a slightly different time zone than the kitchen.
Monica Geller: No forget it, I'm not gonna tell you now.
Richard Burke: No come on. Come on tell me.
Monica Geller: No. See you don't understand.
Richard Burke: Come on.
Monica Geller: No. You don't have any of these cute little obsessive things.
Richard Burke: No that's not true. That is not true.
Monica Geller: Oh yeah.
Richard Burke: Yeah.
Monica Geller: Alright, well tell me one of yours.
Richard Burke: Ok. Ahh. One of my things is, I always separate my sweat socks from my dress socks.
Monica Geller: What if they get mixed up?
Richard Burke: Boy I would just uh, I would freak out.
Monica Geller: You would not. I can't believe this. I hate this, you're too normal. I can't believe my boyfriend doesn't have a thing. My boyfriend doesn't have a thing.
Richard Burke: See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Mr. Douglas is looking for you.
Chandler Bing: Why? Wh- wh- why is Mr. Douglas looking for me?
Joey Tribbiani: 'Cause he has a strong suspicion that you dropped the ball on the Lender project.
Chandler Bing: Wha- wh- why, why, why does he suspect that?
Joey Tribbiani: Becasue at first he thought it was Joseph. But after he asked Joseph about it, turns out it was you. Anyway, I just thought you should know.
Chandler Bing: Alright, that's it. Look Joey, I'm sorry, I realize this is the role of a lifetime for ya, and if I could just fire Joseph, I would, but unfortunately that's not possible so I'm gonna have to let both of you go.
Joey Tribbiani: What're you talking about, everybody loves Joseph.
Chandler Bing: I don't, I hate Joseph, ok. I think he's a brown-nosing suck up.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah. Well you can't fire Joseph. You know why, 'cause he's not in your department.
Chandler Bing: Alright, ok, alright. So I can't fire Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife.
Joey Tribbiani: Karen.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, Karen. I'm thinking about having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I just did.
Joey Tribbiani: Ahh. What the hell are you doing to me man.
Chandler Bing: Oh well it's not me, it's my character, Chandy. Yeah the rogue processor who seduces his co-worker's wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer.
Joey Tribbiani: Really?
Chandler Bing: No freakshow, she's fictional.
Joey Tribbiani: Take it easy. If it means that much to you, I'll uh, I'll go find something else.
Chandler Bing: Thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: It's just that, I, I'm gonna miss Joseph. I liked him. His wife, she was hot.
Phoebe Buffay: Can I please take these off? I swear I won't scratch.
Rachel Green: No sorry hon, Monica's orders.
Ryan: Well that wasn't easy.
Ross Geller: Ok, dinner's on.
Rachel Green: And there's a peach cobbler warming in the oven so the plate's gonna be hot but that shouldn't be a problem for you.
Ross Geller: Alright you kids, bye now.
Ross Geller: Oh look, a low budget puppet show.
Phoebe Buffay: It's such a shame you can't see which finger I'm holding up.
Ryan: Wine?
Phoebe Buffay: Please.
Ryan: Oh, I spilled some.
Phoebe Buffay: I got it.
Ryan: I must tell you, you look beautiful tonight.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Ryan: Sorry. You look beautiful.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Phoebe Buffay: You know what, that's it, that's it.
Richard Burke: Monica, wake up. Monica.
Monica Geller: What's up?
Richard Burke: I thought of a thing.
Monica Geller: Yeah?
Richard Burke: Yeah. I have to sleep, have to, on this side of the bed.
Monica Geller: No honey. You have to sleep on this side of the bed because I have to sleep on this side of the bed.
Richard Burke: Or so I would have you believe.
Monica Geller: No. Big deal, so you have a side of the bed, everybody has a side of the bed.
Richard Burke: Hey come on, you haven't heard my reason yet.
Monica Geller: Alright, go on.
Richard Burke: Ok, I have to sleep on the west side because I grew up in California and otherwise the ocean would be on the wrong side.
Monica Geller: Oh my God, you're a freak.
Richard Burke: Yeah. How 'bout that.
Rachel Green: So uh, Ryan, were you shipping off to?
Ryan: I really can't say.
Ross Geller: So do you have like any nuclear weapons on board?
Ryan: I can't say.
Rachel Green: Well do you get to look through one of those like, those periscope thingys.
Ryan: I'm sorry, but I can't say.
Ross Geller: Wow, it, it's neat learning about submarines.
Ryan: I better get out of here, I'm gonna miss my flight.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, I'll walk you out.
Ross Geller: Bye Ryan.
Ryan: Pleasure.
Rachel Green: It was nice to meet you.
Ryan: Take care.
Rachel Green: So do you uh, think we can get you one of those uh, uniform things?
Ross Geller: You like that do ya?
Rachel Green: Oh yeah.
Ross Geller: I'll make some calls.
Rachel Green: Ok.
Ryan: Can you believe how we spent our two weeks together?
Phoebe Buffay: I know. We didn't do any of the romantic things I had planned, like having a picnic at Central Park and ya know, coffee at Central Perk. Oh I just got that.
Ryan: Taxi.
Phoebe Buffay: Bye you.
Rachel Green: Oh I'm sorry, we're clo-... Hey sailor.
Ross Geller: Is this what you had in mind?
Rachel Green: I'll say.
Ross Geller: I'm shipping out tomorrow.
Rachel Green: Well then uh, we better make this night count. Oh wait, I forgot to turn off the cappucino machine. Anchors away. Oh no no, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my pu rse. Oh, you know what. I forgot to turn off the bathroom light.
Ross Geller: Alright you know, why don't I just meet you upstairs.


Rachel Green: Hey Joey, how'd the audition go?
Joey Tribbiani: Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was.
Everyone: Who?
Joey Tribbiani: All right. I'll give you one hint. Warren Beatty.
Everyone: Wow!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, there's just one thing that might be kind've a problem. See, I, uh, had to kiss this guy.
Chandler Bing: 'Cause he was just so darn cute.
Joey Tribbiani: No, as part of the audition. See, I'm up for this part of this guy, who the main guy kisses.
Ross Geller: Well, hey. You're an actor, I say you just suck it up and do it. Or you just do it.
Joey Tribbiani: I did do it, I'm a professional.
Monica Geller: Then what's the problem?
Joey Tribbiani: See after the scene, Mr. Beatty comes up to me and says 'good actor, bad kisser'. Can you believe that, me not a good kisser, that's like, like Mother Theresa, not a good mother.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, come on, who cares what that guy thinks. What does Warren Beatty know about kissing Ooh.
Chandler Bing: Hey, what did your agent say?
Joey Tribbiani: Yep, this kiss thing is defiantly a problem, Mr. Beatty wants to see it again on Monday. Man, I gotta figure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh, okay, one of you girls come over here and kiss me.
Monica Geller: What, forget it!
Rachel Green: Yeah, right.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on, I need your help here.
Phoebe Buffay: All right. I'll do it, I kissed him before I can do it again.
Joey Tribbiani: You see this, this is a friend.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, let's go. Oh, wait I have gum. Okay. Good, very good, firm but tender. I'd recommend you to a friend.
Joey Tribbiani: Then I don't know what it is. What's the problem?
Monica Geller: Joey, you know, maybe your just not used to kissing men, maybe you just tensed up a little, maybe that's what you need to work on.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, that makes sense.
Ross Geller: Over my dead body!
Chandler Bing: And I'll be using his dead body as a shield.
Ross Geller: Come on out, honey! I'm telling you look good! Tell her she looks good, tell her she looks good.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, you look so good!
Rachel Green: I can not believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when your nauseous.
Ross Geller: So don't, I don't see why we have to go to this thing anyway, it's your ex-fiancee's wedding.
Rachel Green: Because I promised Mindy I would.
Monica Geller: Yeah, well you promised Barry, you'd marry him.
Rachel Green: Look you guys, I have to go, I'm the Maid-of-Honor. And besides you know what I just need to be in a room again with these people and feel good about myself.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh-oh! Someone's wearing the same clothes they had on last night. Someone get a little action?
Chandler Bing: I may have.
Monica Geller: Woo-hoo, stuud!
Ross Geller: What's she look like?
Chandler Bing: Well, we haven't exactly met, we just stayed up all night talking on the internet.
Monica Geller: Woo-hoo, geeek!
Chandler Bing: I like this girl, okay, I seriously like this girl, you now how sometimes I tend get a little defended and quipy...
Ross Geller: Get out!
Rachel Green: Nooo!
Monica Geller: Please!
Chandler Bing: Well she totally called me on it, okay. She said, 'cut it out, get real', and I did.
Rachel Green: Wow! What's that like?
Chandler Bing: It's like this, me, no jokes.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, stop it, you're freaking me out.
Richard Burke: Oh, yeah, I don't like you this way. All right, I'll see you guys later.
Everyone: Bye, Richard.
Monica Geller: Bye sweetie, I love you.
Richard Burke: I love you, too.
Phoebe Buffay: I think my boyfriend ever so dreamy, I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like.
Monica Geller: What are you talking about? What wedding?
Phoebe Buffay: Come on, like you never talk that.
Monica Geller: Nooo! Never! I mean, we're living in the moment. God, it is so nice for once to not have to get all hung up on 'Where is this going?'
Rachel Green: Afraid to ask him?
Monica Geller: Could not be more terrified.
Chandler Bing: Well, I think you should seriously consider the marriage thing, give Rachel another chance to dress up like Princess Bubble Yum.
Monica Geller: Where's Benny? There he is! Where's Benny, there he is.
Richard Burke: Awww! You know that's probably why babies learn to talk, so they can tell grown ups to cut it out.
Monica Geller: Hey, you know I got a question for ya. Just a little thing, no pressure.
Richard Burke: Okay.
Monica Geller: Did you ever, uh, like, think about the future?
Richard Burke: Sure I do.
Monica Geller: Yeah, am I in it?
Richard Burke: Honey, you are in it.
Monica Geller: Oh God, you are about to get sooo lucky.
Richard Burke: Oh, yeah!
Monica Geller: Keep talkin'.
Richard Burke: Well, uh, sometimes I think about selling my practice, we could move to France, make French toast.
Monica Geller: Okay, so, uh, we're in France, we're making the toast. Do you see a little bassinet in the corner?
Richard Burke: Like a hound?
Monica Geller: Not a basset, a bassinet.
Richard Burke: You really need the bassinet?
Monica Geller: Well, I just think the baby would keep falling off the dog. Do you, uh, do you , do you not see kids in our future.
Richard Burke: Oh, hey. I love children, I have children. I just don't want to be 70 when our kids go off to college, and our lives can finally start.
Monica Geller: Uh-huh.
Richard Burke: Look I want you, now.
Monica Geller: That's Great. You know we don't need to talk about this now. Really, I mean this is, is so way, way, way, in the future, I'm talkin' hovercrafts and apes taking over the planet.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on, Chandler, I want this part soo much. Just one kiss, I won't tell anyone.
Chandler Bing: Joey, no means no!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry we, we don't have your sheep.
Joey Tribbiani: Aww, Rach, I think you look cute And you, uh, you, you I could eat with a spoon .
Ross Geller: Get away from me I said no!
Monica Geller: Richard buzzed. He's waiting downstairs.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, Richard's here. I should run down say bye to him
Everyone: Bye.
Phoebe Buffay: Bye, good luck.
Phoebe Buffay: So how's your date with your cyberchick going. Ooh, hey, what is all that .
Chandler Bing: Oh, it's a website, it's the, uh, the Guggenheim museum. See, she likes art, and I like funny words.
Phoebe Buffay: What does she mean by HH?
Chandler Bing: It means we're holding hands.
Phoebe Buffay: Are you the cutest?
Chandler Bing: I'm afraid I might just be.
Phoebe Buffay: You know, what I think is so great that you are totally into this person and yet for all you know she could be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or. It could be a guy.
Chandler Bing: Okay, it's not a guy, all right, I know her.
Phoebe Buffay: It could be like a big giant guy.
Joey Tribbiani: Man, I got this close to him and Monica kneed me in the back. What's going on?
Phoebe Buffay: We were just wondering if Chandler's girlfriend is a girl.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, well. Just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men.
Chandler Bing: How do you not fall down more?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, ask her 'What is her current method of birth control?'
Chandler Bing: All right. "My husband is sleeping with his secretary." She's married!
Phoebe Buffay: Well at least we know she's a woman.
Chandler Bing: I can't believe she's married.
Joey Tribbiani: Aw, man I'm sorry . This must be very tough for ya, huh .
Monica Geller: So, I read this article in the paper the other day that says you're not supposed to throw rice at weddings, because when pigeons eat rice it kills them.
Richard Burke: Oh, that's why you never see pigeons at sushi bars. See, we're having fun.
Monica Geller: Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you know I'm not even thinking about that thing that we're not supposed to think about.
Richard Burke: Neither am I.
Ross Geller: Hey, there.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Ross Geller: Are you all right?
Rachel Green: Yeah, when I was in the bathroom I saw the window that I crawled out of at my wedding, and God, I just started thinking that I shouldn't be here, you know I shouldn't, people are going to be looking at me and judging me and, and thinking about the last time.
Ross Geller: Sweetie, it's be gonna okay, all right. It's a wedding, generally people focus on the bride.
Rachel Green: God I know, you're right.
Wedding Planner: All rightie, everybody look at me. Good. All right, its time. Bridesmaids and ushers let's see two lines, thank you.
Rachel Green: Okay, I'll see you after the thing.
Ross Geller: Okay, good luck
Rachel Green: Thank you, Okay, Okay.
Rachel Green: Why the hell didn't you tell me!
Ross Geller: I'm sorry. What was I supposed to do stand up and shout 'Hey, Rachel, your butt is showing!'
Rachel Green: Oh my God this is sooo humiliating. I think the only thing that tops that was, was, was when I was in the eight grade and I had to sing the Copa Cabana in front of the entire school. I think I got about two lines into it before I ran and freaked out. Oh my God, my entire life is flashing before my eyes.
Ross Geller: Rach, hey look, I remember that, it wasn't so bad.
Rachel Green: Oh Ross, would you stop, you got me, I'm dating you.
Mr. Wineburg: Rachel!
Rachel Green: Oh hi, Mr. Wineburg, hi Mrs. Wineburg.
Mr. Wineburg: It's so wonderful to see you again, my dear, in fact I hardly expected to see so much.
Mrs. Wineburg: You told me you didn't see anything.
Mr. Wineburg: I tell ya a lot things!
Mrs. Wineburg: Well it's wonderful to have you up and about, again, dear.
Mr. Wineburg: Stay well.
Rachel Green: Okay, now that is the third time someone has said something like that to me today.
Mindy Hunter: Rach! Rach!
Rachel Green: Oh, hi!
Mindy Hunter: Oh my God, I'm married!
Rachel Green: I know.
Mindy Hunter: I'm Mrs. Dr. Barry Hunter hyphen Farber.
Rachel Green: Oh honey, I'm so proud of you, Min.
Barry Farber: Min. Oh Rach, you're still here, at our wedding, they were packing up the chopped liver about now.
Rachel Green: Yeah, I love that story. Um, I got a question for you guys. Why do people keep is saying that is good to see me up and about?
Mindy Hunter: Well uh, after you ran out on your wedding, Barry's parents told people that you were sort of...insane.
Rachel Green: Insane!
Mindy Hunter: ...from the syphilis.
Rachel Green: What?!
Barry Farber: Yeah, what are they gonna say you didn't love me anymore. Come on.
Joey Tribbiani: Angela? Joey Tribiani. Listen, what are ya doing tonight. I know your seeing that guy I was thinking maybe you could bring him...Hello? Hello?
Phoebe Buffay: Aren't you gonna answer her, that's like the tenth bing-bong message she sent. She wants to know what's wrong?
Chandler Bing: What's wrong? What's wrong? You're married that's what's wrong.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, my.
Chandler Bing: What?
Phoebe Buffay: She wants to meet you in person.
Chandler Bing: Hey, look, Phoebe I wanted to meet her in person too, okay, but she's married, she has a husband.
Phoebe Buffay: What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy. I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip.
Chandler Bing: Okay, I'll do it!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah! Okay! Great! Go, man, go put on your shoes, and, and march out there and meet her! Oh, wait, no, no you have to take a shower, 'cause, eww. No, you know what you have to answer her, answer her first. No, no, you know what make some coffee 'cause its too much.
Monica Geller: Okay, one more, please. Come on, I'm gonna get it in this time, I will.
Richard Burke: Okay, last chance. Again, I'm sorry.
Monica Geller: You know what, maybe I don't need to have children. You know maybe I just think I do because that is what society, and by that I mean my mom, has always convinced me that I... I do, I have to have children, I'm sorry, I just do.
Best Man: Yo! Can I have your attention, please, Best Man, making a toast here. Thank you. I remember when Barry got home from his first date with Rachel...
Everyone: What?!
Best Man: What, you hired the same band I can't use the same speech. Thank you, thank you very much. Anyway, I wish you both a wonderful life together. And Rachel...
Rachel Green: What.
Best Man: No, no, no now in all seriousness, its not a lot of women would've had the guts to come back here tonight, and even fewer, who would do it with their asses hanging out!
Ross Geller: Uh, I like to, uh, to add something to that...
Rachel Green: Why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding?
Ross Geller: Most of you don't know me, I'm Rachel's boyfriend.
Rachel Green: Oh dear God.
Ross Geller: Ross, uh and uh, I'd just like to say that it did take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight. And, uh, for the record she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis. What are you doing I'm serious. Uh, the reason she walked out on, on Barry is simply that she didn't love him, which incidentally worked out pretty well for me Cheers.
Rachel Green: She you in the parking lot.
Ross Geller: No, Rach!
Barry Farber: And once again she is out of here. Okay who had 9:45? Um?
Rachel Green: Ya, know what Barr, I'm not gonna leave. I probably should, but I'm not, see 'cause I promised myself that I would make it through at least *one* of your weddings . See now, tonight, all I really wanted was to make it though this evening with a little bit of grace and dignity. Well , I guess we can all agree that's not gonna happen. There's nothing really left to say except... "Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. With yellow feathers , feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there. She would..."
Ross Geller: Marenge,
Rachel Green: "...marenge, thank you honey, and do the cha-cha. And while she like to be a star, Tony always tended bar. At the, wait, wait, everybody.."
Ross Geller: Everybody!
Rachel Green: At the Copa, Copa Cabana The hottest spot north of Havana. At the Copa, Coo-pa Ca-ban-a, music and fashion were always the passion, at the Copa...
Richard Burke: Okay, I'll do it.
Monica Geller: You'll do what?
Richard Burke: If kids is what I takes to be with you then kids it is.
Monica Geller: Oh my God!
Richard Burke: If I have to I'll, I'll do all again , I'll do the 4 o'clock feeding thing, I'll go to the P.T.A. meetings, I'll coach the soccer team.
Monica Geller: Really?
Richard Burke: Yeah, if I have to. Monica, I don't wanna lose you, so if I have to do it all over again, then I will.
Monica Geller: You're the most wonderful man. And if you hadn't of said 'if I have to' like seventeen times, then I'd be saying 'okay, let's do it.'
Richard Burke: But you're not.
Monica Geller: Oh my God, I can't believe what I'm getting ready to say. I wanna have a baby, but I don't wanna have one with someone who doesn't really wanna have one.
Richard Burke: God. I love you.
Monica Geller: I know you do. Me too. So what now?
Richard Burke: I guess we just keep dancing.
Chandler Bing: Where is she, Where is she? Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?
Rachel Green: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.
Chandler Bing: Ooh, oh, oh, that's her.
Ross Geller: Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is to, never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...
Chandler Bing: Oh my God!
Janice Litman Goralnik: OH...MY...GAWD!!
Everyone: OH...MY...GOD!!
Ross Geller: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and dammit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes .
Joey Tribbiani: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.