Ross Geller: God that is the most beautiful engagement ring ever!
Rachel Green: Yeah? Well, you should know. You've bought like a billion of 'em.
Ross Geller: Yeah, you didn't get one.
Chandler Bing: Okay, well tonight's the big night.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay listen, how are you gonna ask her?
Chandler Bing: It is going to be perfect. I am taking her to her favorite restaurant. I'm going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves; therefore knows how expensive it is. Then when the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast I'm just gonna propose.
Rachel Green: Ohh...
Joey Tribbiani: That sounds perfect!
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: You're gonna mess it up let me do it.
Chandler Bing: I'm not gonna mess it up.
Phoebe Buffay: If she says no, can I have the ring?
Chandler Bing: She's not gonna say no.
Phoebe Buffay: If!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi Monica.
Chandler Bing: Give me it!
Phoebe Buffay: It's gone.
Chandler Bing: Phoebe!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hi Monica.
Phoebe Buffay: We're practically kissing.
Rachel Green: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Rach!
Rachel Green: Are any of you guys free tonight? My boss is hosting this charity event for underprivileged kids and the more people I bring, the better I look. So, Monica? Chandler?
Chandler Bing: Well, Monica and Chandler can't go. We're going to dinner remember?!
Rachel Green: Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Monica Geller: What's the big deal?
Chandler Bing: I just get mad when Rachel doesn't remember where we're going.
Joey Tribbiani: Where are you going?
Rachel Green: How about you guys?
Phoebe Buffay: Open bar?
Rachel Green: I think so.
Phoebe Buffay: I can do that for the kids.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, y'know what? I'll come too. I'm making money now; it's about time I give something back.
Chandler Bing: Well, you could also give back the money you owe me.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Have a benefit.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey! Ross, listen can you come to a charity event tonight?
Ross Geller: Oh no, I have plans with Elizabeth.
Chandler Bing: Oh, so you're already doing your part for the kids.
Ross Geller: I'm sorry, it's just one of my last nights together before she leaves for camp-to be a counselor!
Monica Geller: Ross let me ask you a question. All jokes aside, where is this relationship going?
Chandler Bing: Wait a minute, all jokes aside? I didn't agree to that!
Monica Geller: Do you really see this as a long-term thing?
Ross Geller: I don't know.
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, you are 12 years older than her.
Ross Geller: Wait a minute, does-does everyone feel this way?
Everyone: Yeah! Yeah, sort of. I'm sorry.
Ross Geller: Uh-uh-Wow! Uh, I thought you guys were just like making jokes, I had no idea. What you know what? You guys are wrong. Uh yes, there is a chronological age difference but I never notice it. You know why? Because she is very mature. Besides, it doesn't really matter to me what you guys think. I mean, I'm the one dating Elizabeth, not you!
Joey Tribbiani: That's not what she said last night.
Rachel Green: See? Now, he could date her.
Chandler Bing: Will you marry me? Will you marry me? Hey, you marry me! What's going on little elves?
Joey Tribbiani: It's the big night! We wanted to wish you good luck!
Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah you have the ring?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, right here in my pocket. Pheebs?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Oop!
Chandler Bing: Okay, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a surprise and she's gonna know.
Ross Geller: Yeah-yeah you guys. Get out of here!
Monica Geller: Hi guys.
Chandler Bing: You are beautiful.
Monica Geller: Oh, thank you! What's going on?
Rachel Green: We're just really...very excited about this charity event that we have to go to.
Phoebe Buffay: Here.
Rachel Green: Oh! Thank you!
Phoebe Buffay: So now what's going on here?
Rachel Green: Uh well, uh this is a silent auction. They lay out all the stuff here and then you write down your offer and then the highest bid gets it.
Phoebe Buffay: No, I know what a silent is I meant, what's going on with your hair?
Rachel Green: Uh, wh-why?
Phoebe Buffay: No! It's nice!
Mr. Thompson: Nice to see you Rachel.
Rachel Green: Oh, hi!
Mr. Thompson: So glad you brought someone.
Rachel Green: Someone? I brought people. Mr. Thompson, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is Mr. Thompson. He's the head of my department.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, hi.
Rachel Green: And I also brought my friend Joey...
Joey Tribbiani: Oh!! Shrimp toast!
Rachel Green: Well, y'know I-I don't know where he is.
Mr. Thompson: Well, I hope you're gonna bid on some things Rachel.
Rachel Green: Well, y'know what? Actually, I was about to bid on this lovely trip to Paris.
Mr. Thompson: Ohh, nice choice.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Mr. Thompson: Good luck.
Rachel Green: Thank you. Okay, twenty dollars.
Zoe: Shut the door! Shut the door!!
Ross Geller: What's-what's going on?
Elizabeth Stevens: The guys across the hall are throwing water balloons at us.
Ross Geller: Oh, you have to call the police! That's what I did to the kids in my building!
Elizabeth Stevens: No, it's a water balloon fight! We started it!
Ross Geller: Oh! Listen umm, I, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to see this play tonight. Umm, it's supposed to be excellent. The director is the same...
Elizabeth Stevens: Who drank all the Kamikazes?
Sarah: Nobody! We put them in here!
Elizabeth Stevens: You want some?!
Ross Geller: No! Okay! Okay! Okay, look, can I, can I just-just talk to you for a second?
Elizabeth Stevens: Yeah, sure.
Ross Geller: Uh, so this play umm, what do you think? It's-it's gotten great reviews! Y'know the uh...
First Dorm Guy: Attack!
Second Dorm Guy: Put your balloons down!
The Girls: You put your balloons down!!
First Dorm Guy: You put your balloons down!!
Ross Geller: Everybody put their balloons down!!! Now this is a nice suit!!
Mr. Thompson: Our next item is the romantic trip to Paris. It goes to Emil Alexander high a high bid of 2,300.
Rachel Green: Ugh! So close!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey you guys! Look!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: I got me some drinks!
Rachel Green: What are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: Open bar!
Rachel Green: Well now it's an empty bar.
Phoebe Buffay: You just can't stand anyone else enjoying themselves can't you?
Mr. Thompson: And finally, our biggest item of the night, the 22-foot gentleman's day sailer sailboat. The winning bid was a whooping $20,000!
Joey Tribbiani: I won! That was my guess!
Rachel Green: What?! What?! What?!
Joey Tribbiani: I guessed 20,000!
Rachel Green: Joey! It is an auction! You don't guess, you buy!
Joey Tribbiani: What?! I don't have 20,000!
Mr. Thompson: Congratulations on your new boat, Joey Tribbiani!!
Rachel Green: Joey! Sit down!
Phoebe Buffay: Forget her! You enjoy this!!
Monica Geller: What are you doing?
Chandler Bing: One nation, under God. Indivisible with liberty and justice for all. I remembered it. The champagne is here.
Monica Geller: Are you okay?
Chandler Bing: Yes! Yes! I'm good! Are you good? Are you good? Is everything-are you-are you perrr-perfect?!
Monica Geller: Yeah. I'm okay. I'm actually-I'm a little cold, can I have your jacket?
Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah. Uh, no you can't have my jacket! Because then I would be cold! If you thought that you were going to be cold, you should've brought your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are you okay? Are you okay?
Monica Geller: Are you sure you're okay?
Chandler Bing: Yes! I'm fine. In fact I've been fine for a long time now and I think, the reason is you.
Monica Geller: Ohh that's sweet!
Chandler Bing: Okay umm, before I meant you I had really little life and I couldn't imagine growing old with...
Monica Geller: Oh my God!
Chandler Bing: I know, but just let me say it.
Monica Geller: Oh my God, Richard.
Chandler Bing: What?! I'm Chandler! Oh, that's Richard!
Monica Geller: Oh God, maybe he won't see us. Richard!
Richard Burke: Monica! Chandler!
Chandler Bing: Hey-hey, hey! I don't know why I did that!
Monica Geller: Hey, it's good to see you!
Richard Burke: You too, you let uh, your hair grow long.
Monica Geller: Yeah-Oh that's right. You, you always wanted me too. Hey, I see you got your mustache back.
Richard Burke: Well, my nose got lonely.
Chandler Bing: And uh, you don't have a mustache which is good. I'm Chandler; I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable.
Richard's Date: Hi, I'm Lisa.
Chandler Bing: Hi.
Richard Burke: Oh, I'm sorry. Lisa, Monica, Chandler. We used to date.
Chandler Bing: Richard! No one supposed to know about us! See I, did it again.
Monica Geller: Chandler, wh-why don't we sit down?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I'll sit down.
Monica Geller: It's good to see you
Matire'D: You're table's ready sir.
Richard Burke: Oh. Good to see you guys.
Chandler Bing: Yes.
Matire'D: Or if you prefer, this table is available.
Richard Burke: That might be fun.
Rachel Green: What were you thinking?!
Joey Tribbiani: I didn't know it was an auction!
Rachel Green: Wh?!
Joey Tribbiani: I figured, take a guess, help a charity, free boat!
Rachel Green: Why would a charity give away a free boat?!
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know! Charity?
Rachel Green: Ugh!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, just buy the damn boat!
Rachel Green: Phoebe, don't you think you've had enough to drink?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm just helping the kids!
Rachel Green: How is you drinking helping the kids?
Phoebe Buffay: Because the more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink.
Mr. Thompson: Mr. Tribbiani.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh hi!
Mr. Thompson: Your generous contribution brings us a big step closer to building the youth center.
Joey Tribbiani: Just out of curiosity, how-how much is that boat worth?
Mr. Thompson: I think it was valued at 19,000
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I was pretty close. Uhh, so bad news. Umm, I can't buy the boat, I don't have any money.
Rachel Green: Joey! Joey, good one!
Mr. Thompson: That's good. Very good!
Joey Tribbiani: So uh listen, I think I'm gonna take off now.
Rachel Green: Hey! You...can't...leave Joey! You agreed to buy that boat, all right?! That is a contract! And plus if you leave, my boss is gonna kill me!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, what am I gonna do Rach?! I don't have that kind of money!
Rachel Green: I know. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. All right, this is what we're gonna do, we are gonna go to the next highest bidder, and we are just gonna let them buy it, and then you're just gonna pay the difference.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Look, I don't know why the kids need a youth center anyway! Y'know? They should just watch TV after school like I did and I turned out fine!
Rachel Green: Not great.
Monica Geller: And so, we're hiding in the bathroom.
Richard Burke: And-and then I sneak out and before Monica can her parents come in.
Monica Geller: So I hide in the shower and the next thing you know they're going at it right on the bathroom floor.
Lisa: Oh my God!
Chandler Bing: I got a good one, I got a good one! I once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy.
Richard Burke: It's so great seeing you guys again. I'd like to make a toast. Uh, as a poet once said, "In the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures for in the due of little things the heart finds it's morning and is refreshed."
Monica Geller: Ohh.
Chandler Bing: What?!
Ross Geller: Oh my God, you guys!!
Chandler Bing: Before you say anything, have we got a story for you! Guess who we bumped into at dinner!
Ross Geller: Who?
Chandler Bing: Richard!
Ross Geller: What? A-ohh! Ohh. Oh that's right that's right. That's Richard's favorite place too.
Chandler Bing: Oh you knew that. Good!
Monica Geller: I thought you were going out with Elizabeth.
Ross Geller: Yeah, I was but uh, she was a little busy with a water balloon fight.
Monica Geller: Oh Ross, sometimes grown-ups have commitments they just can't get out of!
Ross Geller: Y'know, maybe she is too young for me. Y'know, when I was over there and she was running around with her friends, I felt like I was a baby-sitter. I finally started to see what you guys were talking about. I don't know what to do.
Monica Geller: Why don't you just weigh out the good stuff about the relationship against the bad stuff. I mean that's what I did when I first weighing stuff.
Ross Geller: Okay umm, bad stuff. Well, I'm-I'm 12 years older than she is.
Monica Geller: If the school finds out you're fired.
Ross Geller: Hmm.
Monica Geller: She's leaving for three months.
Chandler Bing: For camp!
Ross Geller: Okay, good stuff. Umm, well she's-she's sweet and pretty and...
Monica Geller: Look Ross, the only question you need to ask is, "Do you see a future?" I mean like do you see yourself marrying her? Oh my God! You did it already! You married her, didn't you?!
Ross Geller: No! No! I...didn't do that. It's just... Okay, honestly no. I don't, I don't see a big future with her.
Monica Geller: Okay well I think...that's your answer.
Ross Geller: I've got to talk to her. Ugh, I hate this part.
Chandler Bing: Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if you're not careful you may not get married at all this year!
Joey Tribbiani: Rach! Rachel! Okay, the next highest bidder is at table one.
Rachel Green: Oh great!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh and uh the guy who got the Paris trip is at table four.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay.
Rachel Green: Why do you care about the guy who won the Paris trip?
Phoebe Buffay: It's a trip for two! Excuse me. Excuse me, is the person who won the Paris trip at this table?
Emil Alexander: That was me.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, en chante.
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, excuse me is there a Mr. Bowmont at this table?
Mr. Bowmont: That's me.
Joey Tribbiani: Ahh, yes.
Rachel Green: Oh well, hello. This is your lucky day Mr. Bowmont, the uh gentleman day sailer as just become available again and I believe that you made a bid of $18,000.
Joey Tribbiani: You-you have to pay that! It's not just a guess.
Rachel Green: Okay. Okay.
Mr. Bowmont: I was actually relieved uh I didn't win the boat. My wife would've killed me.
Rachel Green: Ohh...
Joey Tribbiani: Are you kidding me?! She's gonna this boat!
Rachel Green: Y-Yeah! What-what is your wife's name?
Mr. Bowmont: It's Pam.
Rachel Green: Pam! Oh God okay, just imagine this, "The Pam."
Joey Tribbiani: Aw-awww!
Mr. Bowmont: I don't think she'd like that.
Rachel Green: Okay, uh-uh imagine this, "The Mr. Bowmont."
Joey Tribbiani: Oooooh...
Mr. Bowmont: I don't think so dear.
Rachel Green: Okay look, let me paint you a little picture. All right, you are settin' sail up the Hudson! You've got the wind in your h-arms! You-you get all that peace and quiet that you've always wanted! You get back to nature! You can go fishin'! You can-ooh, you can get one of those little hats and have people call you captain, and then when you're old, Cappy.
Mr. Bowmont: What the hell, it's for a good cause! All right!
Joey Tribbiani: No way! It's mine!!
Rachel Green: What?! What?!
Joey Tribbiani: All that stuff you just said? I want that!
Rachel Green: But Joey you don't have $20,000!
Joey Tribbiani: Who cares?! I-I'll make payments, whatever it takes, I want the Mr. Bowmont!!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God, you're back!
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, let me see it! Let me see your hand!
Monica Geller: Why do you want to see my hand?
Phoebe Buffay: I wanna see what's in your hand. I wanna see the trash.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Eww! Oh, it's all dirty. You should throw this out.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Chandler Bing: What did you guys just do?!
Phoebe Buffay: What happened?
Chandler Bing: Richard was there so I couldn't do it!
Joey Tribbiani: What?! Noooo...
Chandler Bing: I'm gonna do it tomorrow y'know, and-and surprise her, but now you've ruined it!
Joey Tribbiani: We didn't ruin it!
Chandler Bing: Who walks into a room and asks to see a person's hands?!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, a palm reader, a manicurist, a hand doctor...
Joey Tribbiani: Glove salesman!
Phoebe Buffay: Good one! Yeah.
Chandler Bing: This is terrible. What am I going to do?
Phoebe Buffay: Look, she only suspects something okay? She doesn't know for sure, so just throw her off the track.
Chandler Bing: That's right, I can throw her off. I can make her think marriage is the last thing on my mind.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Yeah! Convince her that-that you're scared of commitment! Convince her that you're a little coward!
Chandler Bing: I can do that, I've had 30 years of practice.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, being you is finally gonna pay off!
Monica Geller: I had to go all the way to the basement because some idiot keeps stuffing the trash chute with pizza boxes!
Joey Tribbiani: That guy's still doing that?!
Rachel Green: Hey! Oh my God you're here, let me see your hand!!
Phoebe Buffay: No, you're too late!!! She already took out the trash!!!
Ross Geller: Wow! I have never had such a healthy break-up! She was such a grown-up about it! She didn't seem too immature for me! Did I just make a huge mistake?
Elizabeth Stevens: Ross! Wait!
Ross Geller: Elizabeth, thank God! I was just thinking about...
Elizabeth Stevens: You suck!!
Ross Geller: What?!
Ross Geller: Okay, break-up's still on!
Chandler Bing: Okay, okay, here she comes! How do I look? Do I look like a guy who doesn't want to get married?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! And also, a little like a French guy. I never noticed that before.
Monica Geller: Hi guys!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: What are you up too?
Chandler Bing: Oh, just hanging out, talkin' about uh, websites. Yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, Big Brother.
Monica Geller: Well that's a little crazy. Although I am y'know glad to hear that you're branching out on what you look at on the Internet.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, well... Y'know, it just got me thinking though, why would anybody ever want to get married huh?
Monica Geller: Why?! To celebrate your relationship! To solidify your commitment! To declare your love for one another to the world!
Chandler Bing: Eh...
Monica Geller: Okay well that's good to know.
Joey Tribbiani: The Mr. Bowmont's here!!!
Waitress: Hey Monica, there's a customer who wants to complement the chef, should I let him in?
Monica Geller: Sure, I love this part!
Waitress: Come on in.
Richard Burke: Hi!
Monica Geller: Richard!
Richard Burke: Actually, I'm not here to complement the chef.
Monica Geller: Ohh... Oh, that's okay I hate when people come back to complement the chef. Like I have nothing better to do! So what's up?
Richard Burke: Well, it was great seeing you the other night.
Monica Geller: Oh, good to see you too. Did you come down here to tell me that?
Richard Burke: No! I came here to tell you something else. I came here to tell you I still love you.


Monica Geller: What uh-What did you-What?!
Richard Burke: I still love you. And I know I probably shouldn't even be here telling you this, I mean you're with Chandler a guy I really like, and if you say he's straight I'll believe you! After seeing ya the other night I knew if I didn't tell ya I'd regret it for the rest of my life. Letting you go was the stupidest thing I ever did.
Monica Geller: Y'know you're really not supposed to be back here!
Richard Burke: Well yeah, I'm sorry. I know this is the wrong time and the wrong place but I had to tell ya! I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna marry you. I wanna have kids with you.
Monica Geller: Oh God... Why don't they put chairs back here?!
Richard Burke: I know this is crazy but am I too late?
Monica Geller: What the... Yes you're too late! Where was all this three years ago?!
Richard Burke: Well I know I was an idiot! And I tried to forget you, I really did! Y'know after we had lunch last year I spent six months in Africa trying to get you out of my head!
Monica Geller: What were you doing in Africa?
Richard Burke: Working with blind kids.
Monica Geller: Ohhh! What are you doing to me?! Oh look, I-I... I'm sorry but umm, this-this-this-this is not going to happen.
Richard Burke: Okay that's fine, I'll walk away. And I'll never bother you again, but only if you tell me Chandler's willing to give you everything I am.
Monica Geller: Well he is! Yeah, I mean marriage is all he talks about! My goodness, in fact, I'm the one that's making him wait!
Richard Burke: You are?
Monica Geller: Yeah!
Richard Burke: Why?
Monica Geller: Why? Because of the government.
Rachel Green: Isn't it incredible?! Monica and Chandler, gettin' married.
Phoebe Buffay: I know, they're gonna be so happy together.
Rachel Green: Ohh... I mean two best friends falling in love, how often does that happen?
Phoebe Buffay: Not that often!
Rachel Green: No! I'm so happy for them!
Phoebe Buffay: Me too! So happy for them!
Rachel Green: I'm so happy and not at all jealous.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no! No God, definitely not jealous!
Rachel Green: I mean I'm probably 98% happy, maybe 2% jealous. And I mean what's 2%? That's nothing.
Phoebe Buffay: Totally. I'm like 90/10.
Rachel Green: Yeah me too.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey uh, have you guys scene Chandler?
Rachel Green: Wh-no, but y'know who did stop in here looking for ya, Tennille.
Monica Geller: So that marriage stuff that you were saying yesterday, you don't really believe that do you?
Chandler Bing: Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at pigs. Let's take a second here and look at pigs. Okay pigs don't mate for life. I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and that's just an ordinary pig not even a pig that's good at sports!
Monica Geller: Yeah, but that's pigs not people!
Chandler Bing: If marriage worked, I'd be all for it. But do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%.
Monica Geller: Wait a minute. Are you honestly telling me that-that you may never want to get married?
Chandler Bing: Well, never say never but y'know probably uh yeah, never.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! Then-then-then what are we even doing?! What is this?!
Chandler Bing: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is all this pressure?! Is this some new kind of strategy? Why don't you put down your copy of 'The Rules' huh mantrap?!
Monica Geller: Y'know what?! I gotta go! Ugh!
Chandler Bing: It's okay, I got a plan.
Rachel Green: We're gonna find love!
Phoebe Buffay: Definitely!
Rachel Green: Yeah, I'm pretty confident about that. That's what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice to have a little guarantee though.
Phoebe Buffay: What do you mean?
Rachel Green: Well y'know, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither of them are married by the time they're 40, they marry each other.
Phoebe Buffay: You mean a backup?
Rachel Green: Exactly!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, yeah I got that.
Rachel Green: You do?
Phoebe Buffay: Hm-mmm.
Rachel Green: Who?
Phoebe Buffay: Joey.
Rachel Green: Joey?!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah!
Rachel Green: Are you serious?!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I locked him years ago!
Rachel Green: Wh... So... If neither of you are married by the time you're 40, you're gonna marry Joey.
Phoebe Buffay: Yep, we shook on it. Yeah but believe me that is not how he wanted to seal the deal.
Rachel Green: Oh, seriously?
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, yeah. I think his exact words were...
Rachel Green: Charming.
Phoebe Buffay: Well hey, it's just a backup.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Monica!
Monica Geller: Have you seen Rachel? Or a mirror?
Joey Tribbiani: This is for my boat, pretty cool huh?
Monica Geller: Yeah, it's great.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-whoa, what's the matter?! Talk to the captain!
Monica Geller: I'm just having one of those days where you realize you're in a dead-end relationship!
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler giving you a hard time huh?
Monica Geller: It's not like I want to get married tomorrow! It's just that I-I'd like to believe that I'm in a relationship that's actually going somewhere, that I'm not just wasting my time!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, you know Chandler.
Monica Geller: No I don't know Chandler! Not anymore! It's like it's like something's changed.
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe you changed?
Monica Geller: I didn't change!
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe that's the problem.
Monica Geller: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler is a complex fellow, one who is unlikely to take a wife.
Monica Geller: Is that some kind of boat talk?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know! I haven't totally decided how to talk on my boat yet.
Monica Geller: What does he think? Does he think I'm just gonna wait around for nothing?
Joey Tribbiani: Monica face it, Chandler is against marriage. And-and always will be!
Monica Geller: Well there's some people who do want to marry me.
Joey Tribbiani: There are?
Monica Geller: Yeah! Richard!
Joey Tribbiani: R-R-Richard said he wants to marry you?! And-and Chandler's tellin' ya how much he hates marriage?!
Monica Geller: That's right.
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler loves marriage!!
Monica Geller: You just told me that he hates marriage! That-that he's a-a complex fellow who's unlikely to take a wife! That-that he's against marriage and always will be!
Joey Tribbiani: You got that from what I said?!
Narrator: When the Cretaceous period ended, the dinosaurs were gone.
Ross Geller: What happened you guys?
Ross Geller: Rach!
Rachel Green: Hey you!
Ross Geller: Hey, come on in.
Rachel Green: Oh thank you. Hey y'know, I'm so sorry to hear about you and Elizabeth.
Ross Geller: Oh, thanks. Yeah, I really thought we'd be able to make it work, but uh, I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
Rachel Green: Yeah, love. It's a tricky business isn't it?
Ross Geller: I guess so.
Rachel Green: So what do you say we make a pact? If you and I are both single by the time we're 40, we get married. I mean, we know each other, we like each other, and we've-we've already slept together so y'know there'll be no surprises there! You know what I mean? No like, "What's that?!"
Ross Geller: Right. Ohh! You-you want me to be your backup.
Rachel Green: Exactly.
Ross Geller: Ohh, yeah I already have one.
Rachel Green: What? Who?
Ross Geller: Phoebe.
Rachel Green: Phoebe?! Wait a-but-but she just, she said that Joey was her backup.
Ross Geller: Ohh, I don't think so.
Rachel Green: Ross! I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey made a deal!
Ross Geller: That's impossible! I mean we have had a deal for years! We-we-we shook on it, although believe me she wanted to do a lot more than that.
Joey Tribbiani: Where the hell have you been?!
Chandler Bing: I was making a coconut phone with the professor.
Joey Tribbiani: Richard told Monica he wants to marry her!
Chandler Bing: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Yeah, I've been trying to find ya to tell to stop messing with her and maybe I would have if these damn boat shoes wouldn't keep flying off!
Chandler Bing: My-Oh my God!
Joey Tribbiani: I know! They suck!!
Chandler Bing: He's not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! I'm supposed to do that!
Joey Tribbiani: I know!
Chandler Bing: Well what... Y'know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go over there; I'm gonna kick his ass! Will you help me?!
Joey Tribbiani: Look, Chandler I don't think us getting our asses kicked is a solution. Okay? Just go and find Monica!
Chandler Bing: You're right.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!
Chandler Bing: Okay. I'm gonna get the ring! I'm gonna get the ring! I'm gonna go find her and I'm just going to propose!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Okay great.
Joey Tribbiani: Dude-dude-dude!
Chandler Bing: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: Let me know about that coconut phone, it might great for the boat.
Monica Geller: Hi.
Richard Burke: Hi.
Monica Geller: I don't know why I'm here.
Richard Burke: I didn't ask. You wanna come in?
Monica Geller: I don't know.
Richard Burke: Oh, okay. Well, I'll just leave the door open and go sit on the couch.
Monica Geller: Chandler is such an idiot!
Richard Burke: Drink?
Monica Geller: Yeah, I'll have a scotch...
Richard Burke: ...on the rocks with a twist? I remember.
Monica Geller: Still smoking cigars?
Richard Burke: Uh, no! No! That's...art! If it bothers you I can put my art out.
Monica Geller: No that's, that's okay.
Richard Burke: So Monica let me ask you a question. Y'know, since we broke up do you ever, think about me?
Monica Geller: Uh yeah, I-I actually I thought about you a couple months ago.
Richard Burke: Oh really?
Monica Geller: Yeah but it was because I-I had an eye exam and I don't like my new eye doctor.
Richard Burke: Who is it?
Monica Geller: Edward Nevski?
Richard Burke: Yeah he's no good. Do you ever think about me in a non-eye doctor way?
Monica Geller: No.
Richard Burke: Ahh.
Monica Geller: But getting over was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. And I never let myself think about you.
Rachel Green: Phoebe! You picked Joey and Ross?! You can not have two backups!
Phoebe Buffay: Of course I can! It's just good sense to backup your backup! Look, I've already lost Chandler!
Rachel Green: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Phoebe! We're both your backup?!
Ross Geller: Phoebe, how could you do this to me?!
Phoebe Buffay: I don't-Look I don't know what you're complaining about now? You were both aware of the situation!
Joey Tribbiani: No we weren't!
Ross Geller: I was not!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, this kind of back talk is not gonna fly when we're married!
Rachel Green: Phoebe you can't have both of them! You have to pick one!
Joey Tribbiani: Pick me!!
Ross Geller: No! Pick me! I don't want to end up an old maid!
Phoebe Buffay: All right well let's see, Ross is a good father, but Joey has a boat-This is hard!
Joey Tribbiani: This is crazy! Hey look, I wanna switch to Rachel!
Ross Geller: Ooh, I wanna switch to Rachel too!
Phoebe Buffay: No wait! Just-Okay-Just wait! You guys! Wait you guys! Don't make any rash decisions, okay? Just remember my promise, when we get married, three times a week.
Rachel Green: Oh God, Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm talking about massages.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Rachel Green: Okay, y'know what?! I know-I know how to settle this! All right here, this is what we're gonna do! I'm gonna write Joey on one napkin and I'm gonna right Ross on the other napkin and we are going to pick one! And that person is going to be our backup! Okay?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay that's fair.
Ross Geller: All right.
Phoebe Buffay: Good!
Rachel Green: Pick one.
Phoebe Buffay: Left! Thank you.
Rachel Green: You're welcome.
Phoebe Buffay: Ross!
Rachel Green: Joey! We should just switch.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah absolutely!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Monica Geller: I missed you-you ugly, flat faced old freak!
Richard Burke: Excuse me?
Monica Geller: Oh! Him.
Richard Burke: Oh. Whew!
Monica Geller: I missed this apartment! Now, this is a grown-up's apartment! Y'know, I-I should be with a grown-up, do you know what I mean?!
Richard Burke: Yeah! You're saying, you need to be with someone more mature. Maybe someone with, a license to practice medicine. Or a mustache.
Monica Geller: Y'know, let's face it, I'm not a kid anymore! I-I need to be with someone who-who wants the same things that I do! I mean coming to my place of work and telling me that you love me, I want that! Talking about pig sex over lunch, I don't want that!
Richard Burke: I think that's fair.
Monica Geller: Fair? Please don't even talk to me about fair! Fair would've been you wanting to marry me back then! Or fair would've been Chandler wanting to marry me now! Believe me, nothing about this is fair! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
Richard Burke: It's okay! Shh! Hey. Hey. Shhhh.
Monica Geller: Nothing. I don't kn-Umm. I don't know. Umm...
Richard Burke: I know.
Monica Geller: Y'know, I-I... I have to figure...some st-Y'know, some stuff before I can...
Richard Burke: Yeah, I understand. Take as much time as you want. Ten, even twenty minutes if you need it. I'll be here. Not smoking.
Richard Burke: Chandler.
Chandler Bing: Where is she? I'm not scared of you!
Richard Burke: She's not here and please come in.
Chandler Bing: Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Ha-ha, Monica! Monica!
Richard Burke: Okay, she was here, but she left.
Chandler Bing: Well where did she go?
Richard Burke: Well she said she had to think things over.
Chandler Bing: Oh my God, I can't believe this! Y'know, I thought...I thought you were a good guy.
Richard Burke: Oh, hey look nothing happened.
Chandler Bing: Nothing happened? Nothing? So you didn't tell my girlfriend that you love her?
Richard Burke: Well all right, one thing happened?
Chandler Bing: Y'know what? I can't believe this! Do you know what you did? My girlfriend is out there thinking things over! You made my girlfriend think!!
Richard Burke: Well I'm sorry.
Chandler Bing: And what does she have to think about? I love her!
Richard Burke: Well, apparently I'm willing to offer her things that you are not.
Chandler Bing: But I am willing to offer her all those things. This was just a plan, y'know? A way to throw her off course so that when I offered her all these things, she'd be surprised!
Richard Burke: Well if it helps, it worked very well.
Chandler Bing: It was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this isn't fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And this is my chance and I am not going to blow it because we are meant for each other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! I was gonna propose tonight.
Richard Burke: You were gonna propose?
Chandler Bing: Yeah I even got a ring. Did you get a ring?
Richard Burke: No I don't have a ring! You go get her Chandler. And can I give you a piece of advice? If you do get her, don't let her go. Trust me.
Chandler Bing: Y'know Richard...you are a good guy.
Richard Burke: I know. I hate that!
Joey Tribbiani: Dude!
Chandler Bing: I can't talk to you now, I gotta find Monica!
Joey Tribbiani: She's gone.
Chandler Bing: What?
Joey Tribbiani: She's gone. She had a bag and she left.
Chandler Bing: What are you talking about?
Joey Tribbiani: She was all crying. She-she said you guys want different things, and that and that she needed time to think.
Chandler Bing: Well why didn't you stop her?! Why didn't you just tell her it was a plan?!
Joey Tribbiani: I-I did! I told her everything, Chandler! But she wouldn't believe me.
Chandler Bing: Well where... Where did she go?
Joey Tribbiani: To her parent's I think and she said you shouldn't call her. But if I were you I would.
Chandler Bing: I can't believe I ruined this.
Joey Tribbiani: I am so sorry man.
Monica Geller: You wanted it to be a surprise.
Chandler Bing: Oh my God.
Monica Geller: Chandler... In all my life... I never thought I would be so lucky. As to...fall in love with my best...my best... There's a reason why girls don't do this!
Chandler Bing: Okay! Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought... Wait a minute, I-I can do this. I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. And if you'll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?
Monica Geller: Yes.
Monica Geller: I knew you were likely to take a wife!
Joey Tribbiani: Can we come it yet?! We're dying out here!
Monica Geller: Come in! Come in! We're engaged!!!
Rachel Green: Ohhh, this is the least jealous I've ever been!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no wait no, this is wrong! Ross isn't here!
Monica Geller: Oh...
Rachel Green: Oh hell, he's done this three times! He knows what its about!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!


Ross Geller: Hey, what's going on?
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Ross Geller: I found a note on my door, "Come to Monica's quick, bring champagne and a Three Musketeers bar."
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah I'll take that.
Ross Geller: What's up?
Chandler Bing: Monica and I are engaged.
Ross Geller: Oh my God. Congratulations.
Chandler Bing: Thanks.
Ross Geller: Where is she?
Monica Geller: I'm engaged!!!!!! I'm engaged!!!!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, she's been out there for twenty minutes, I'm surprised you didn't hear her on the way over.
Ross Geller: Oh, I thought it was just a kid yelling, "I'm gay! I'm gay!" Can I bring her in?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, let her stay out there. It's sweet.
Monica Geller: I'm getting married!!!! I'm gonna be a bride!!!! No, I will not shut up because I'm engaged! Ohh, big talk! Huh, why don't you come over here and say that to me?! Huh, buddy?! Yeah, my fiancee will kick your ass! Come on, apartment 20! Apartment 20!
Chandler Bing: Okay, you get her in here. You bolt the door. I'll be in the closet.
Monica Geller: Okay! Wait-wait-wait! Shhh! Okay, umm, I just wanna say that...I love you guys so-so much and-and thank you for being here on my special night. Our special night. I mean it just wouldn't be my-our-our night, if you all weren't here to celebrate with me-us-Damnit!
Chandler Bing: It's okay, I want this to be your night too. To Monica.
Monica Geller: Awww, come on-wait-stop it. Okay, to Monica.
Chandler Bing: To Monica!
Phoebe Buffay: So have you decided on a band for the wedding? Because, y'know, I'm kinda musical.
Rachel Green: Yeah Pheebs, honey, she just got engaged a couple of hours ago. I doubt she's even had time to...
Phoebe Buffay: Well speaking of chiming in, remember the time you burned down my apartment?
Rachel Green: Yeah, you're on your own.
Monica Geller: Y'know what we should do? We should all get dressed up and go to have champagne at The Plaza.
Joey Tribbiani: But I-I-I can't stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I'm supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. What?
Chandler Bing: So when you said, "Get up early," did you mean 1986?
Joey Tribbiani: You guys don't think I look 19?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, 19! We thought you said 90!
Monica Geller: Okay everybody, let's go! Let's go!
Rachel Green: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, is uh the rest of my candy bar around here?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh honey no, you ate it all.
Joey Tribbiani: I was afraid of that.
Monica Geller: Y'know what shoes would look great with this ring? Diamond shoes! You're not getting dressed.
Chandler Bing: Know what I mean?
Monica Geller: Yeah, but I don't think we have time.
Chandler Bing: There's gonna be a wedding. You're gonna be the bride. Two hundred people are going to be looking at you in a clean white dress.
Monica Geller: Let's do it!
Monica Geller: Chandler! It happens to lots of guys! You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don't worry about it!
Chandler Bing: I'm not worried, I'm uh, I'm fascinated. Y'know it's like uh, Biology! Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me.
Phoebe Buffay: Check it out. Okay, I can play this when the guests are coming in. Okay. "First Time I Met Chandler, I Thought He Was Gay. But here I am singing on his wedding day!"
Monica Geller: Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: If you would've let me finish, it goes on to say that he's probably not gay.
Chandler Bing: Sure, you guys don't have this problem, you're made of wood. Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Chandler Bing: You look great!
Rachel Green: Oh, thanks.
Chandler Bing: You okay over there?
Rachel Green: I don't know, y'know? I feel a little umm... No, y'know what? Nevermind, I'm gonna be fine.
Chandler Bing: Oh, don't worry about it I mean you probably were tired, you had a lot of champagne, it happens to everybody.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Ross Geller: Wow! Happy Monica's night!
Rachel Green: Well thank you, you too.
Ross Geller: Thanks.
Rachel Green: Hey, do you believe this? Do you believe they are actually getting married?
Ross Geller: Well sure. But I get married all the time so...
Rachel Green: Ohh...
Ross Geller: You okay?
Rachel Green: Yeah, I guess. I-I... I mean, do-do you think we're ever gonna have that?
Ross Geller: You mean, we-you and me?
Rachel Green: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no, no! We, you with someone and me with someone.
Ross Geller: Oh good, you scared me for a minute.
Rachel Green: Shake it off.
Ross Geller: I mean-no, it's just 'cause, it's just 'cause you and I were like a nightmare. No, but there was some good times.
Rachel Green: No, absolutely. Y'know like it was umm...
Ross Geller: Surely you can think of something good.
Rachel Green: Yeah, just give me a minute! Oh well, yes, I can think of one good thing.
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: Well you uh, you were always really good at the uh, at the uh the stuff.
Ross Geller: Yeah? I was good at the stuff huh?
Rachel Green: Uh-hmm, uh-hmm, yeah, yeah, I really liked your hands.
Ross Geller: My hands?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Rachel Green: Uh-huh.
Ross Geller: Way to go guys. Y'know, you-you were really good at the stuff too.
Rachel Green: Oh, I know. Hey, y'know what we never did? Oh no, not that. We uh, we never had bonus night!
Ross Geller: A what?
Rachel Green: Y'know, bonus night. Y'know, when two people break up but they get back together for just one night.
Ross Geller: One night, just-just sex. No strings attached?
Rachel Green: Yeah-yeah, we never had that,
Ross Geller: No.
Ross Geller: Okay, this is getting a little crazy. I mean, I'm-I'm sure it would be amazing but I...gotta say I really-really don't think it would be a good idea. Y'know? I really, really...don't.
Joey Tribbiani: 'Sup? 'Sup dude?
Chandler Bing: Take whatever you want, just please don't hurt me.
Joey Tribbiani: So you're playing a little Playstation, huh? That's whack! Playstation is whack! 'Sup with the whack Playstation, 'sup?! Huh? Come on, am I 19 or what?!
Chandler Bing: Yes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on man, really how old?!
Chandler Bing: Young! You're a man-child okay?! Now go get changed because everybody's ready and please, oh please, keep my underwear!
Joey Tribbiani: Wow thanks!
Chandler Bing: Joe?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!
Chandler Bing: Uhh, you've had a lot of sex right?
Joey Tribbiani: When? Today? Some, not a lot.
Chandler Bing: Well, it's just the reason that I'm asking is because I kind of eh, uh, I was unable to-I mean I really wanted too, but I couldn't... There huh-hmm, there-there was an incident.
Joey Tribbiani: Don't worry about that man, that happens.
Chandler Bing: It's happened to you?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Once.
Chandler Bing: Well, what'd you do?
Joey Tribbiani: I did it anyway.
Monica Geller: Phoebe! Come on! Let's go! Come on! Why aren't you dressed yet?!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, but I just wrote the best dance song for your wedding. Check this out.
Monica Geller: No, Phoebe, I'll tell you what, if you get ready now I'll let you play it at the wedding.
Phoebe Buffay: Really?! Oh that's so exciting! Thank you! Thanks Mon! Oh but Mon, if you touch my guitar again I'll have to pound on you for a little bit.
Monica Geller: Fair enough, now go get ready!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Monica Geller: I'll get everybody else , finally we can start celebrating my- I'm sorry, uh apparently I've opened the door to the past.
Ross Geller: Okay, Monica. Mon, uh what-what you just saw...
Monica Geller: Can I ask you just a little question, huh? Why tonight?
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller: See, I've been waiting my whole life to be engaged, and unlike some people I'm only planning on doing this once. So, uh y'know, maybe this is selfish and I'm sorry about it, but I was kinda hoping tonight could just be about that.
Rachel Green: Oh honey, but it is just about...
Ross Geller: It is! It is!
Monica Geller: No it's not! No! No! Now it's about you and Ross getting back together!
Rachel Green: What?!
Monica Geller: See yeah umm, you kinda stole my thunder!
Ross Geller: Okay! Ho-ho! We did not steal your thunder because we are not getting back together!
Rachel Green: Yeah. No. And you know what? Nobody even saw!
Ross Geller: Yeah!
Monica Geller: That's true.
Rachel Green: Honey I swear it we just kissed.
Ross Geller: It was just a kiss.
Phoebe Buffay: You guys kissed!!!!! What does this mean?!! Are you, are you getting back together?! Can I sing at your wedding?
Monica Geller: Thunder being stolen!!
Rachel Green: Okay come on Phoebe, it's nothing! Monica, come on!
Ross Geller: Look let's not make a big deal out of this! It was a one time thing. It doesn't even matter!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God! I cannot believe you guys are talking about this! The problems in the bedroom are between the man and the woman!!! All right?!! Now Chandler is doing the best he can!!
Chandler Bing: I don't think that's what they were talking about Joe!!
Phoebe Buffay: What a great night, Chandler can't do it, these guys kissed...
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Chandler Bing: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: You guys kissed! Oh my-this is huge!
Rachel Green: No!
Ross Geller: Oh no!
Rachel Green: No-no, it's really not huge.
Ross Geller: And; people thinking it's huge has led Monica to believe that we are stealing her thunder. Which we are not!
Monica Geller: Well, we're still talking about it, aren't we?
Phoebe Buffay: Well yeah, that and Chandler's problem.
Joey Tribbiani: Monica-Monica-Monica-Monica, listen-listen, listen, listen, would-would it make you feel better if we all stop talking about Ross and Rachel.
Monica Geller: Yes that would be lovely.
Joey Tribbiani: You got it. Okay. Now, I can pass for 19 right?!
Chandler Bing: Yes, you can pass for 19.
Joey Tribbiani: Really?
Chandler Bing: Yes!
Joey Tribbiani: Seriously?
Chandler Bing: Seriously? Seriously, no! You can play your own age which is 31!
Joey Tribbiani: I'm 30!
Rachel Green: Joey, you are not! You're 31.
Joey Tribbiani: Aww crap!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so The Plaza! Okay, we'll get us some Mai Thai's, maybe no more for you though.
Monica Geller: Y'know what? I-I think that umm, I don't feel like going to The Plaza.
Phoebe Buffay: Why?!
Rachel Green: Honey, Monica, this is ridiculous! Look...
Monica Geller: No-no, I-I really don't want to talk about it! I don't! Especially with you.
Joey Tribbiani: Psss, that is whack!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? Okay, I think I'll play it at the wedding.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Well, I think we'll see if they actually let you play. Huh? I mean they tell you anything you want to hear like-like, "You look 19," and then they just take it away like-like, "No you don't."
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I don't think Monica is gonna take this away.
Joey Tribbiani: Wouldn't she?
Phoebe Buffay: Would she?
Joey Tribbiani: Would she? You ate my candy bar!
Ross Geller: Guess who?
Rachel Green: Hey.
Ross Geller: Hey, I just realized we kinda let some stuff up in the air...
Rachel Green: What do you think Monica mean when she said she didn't want to talk, especially with me? I mean, why not especially you and me? We were both out there kissing.
Ross Geller: Still thinking about it huh?
Rachel Green: Come on! Serious-ser-ser-seriously, what did she mean by that? Especially you!
Ross Geller: Oh, who cares?
Rachel Green: I care!
Ross Geller: And so do I.
Rachel Green: Y'know what, I-I have to go talk to her, would you let me just get changed?
Ross Geller: Okay. Sure.
Rachel Green: Am I going to let you watch me undress?
Ross Geller: No!
Monica Geller: I can't believe her, y'know it's just-it's so typical.
Chandler Bing: Now Monica, I know you're upset, but don't forget. There is going to be a wedding, you are going to throw the bouquet, and then there's going to be a honeymoon, maybe in Paris.
Monica Geller: Paris?
Chandler Bing: We will take a moonlit walk on the Rue de la .
Monica Geller: Keep talking.
Chandler Bing: Then we will sprinkle rose pedals on the bed and make love. Not just because it's romantic, but because I can!
Monica Geller: I love you!
Monica Geller: Bonjour, monsieur.
Chandler Bing: Okay, don't say anything, you might scare it away.
Chandler Bing: It's Paris, who knows we're here!
Monica Geller: Hi Pheebs, what's up?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, you said I could sing at your wedding so, I'm just gonna need a small deposit.
Monica Geller: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, just some good faith money to hold the date.
Chandler Bing: Pheebs, we're not giving you a deposit for our wedding!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I see.
Joey Tribbiani: They break your heart, don't they?
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, I don't really their permission.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! If you wanna sing at their wedding, well you sing at their wedding!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! And if you wanna look 19, then you... You gotta do something about your eyes.
Joey Tribbiani: What?! What's wrong with my eyes.
Phoebe Buffay: They give you away! There's just-there's just too much wisdom in there. Just put some tea bags on there for like 15 minutes.
Joey Tribbiani: And that'll get rid of my wisdom?
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe just 10 minutes for you.
Chandler Bing: Oh, give her the deposit! Give her the ring! I don't care!
Monica Geller: Yes.
Rachel Green: Monica, what did you mean before when you said you didn't want to talk to anyone, especially me?
Chandler Bing: What a great apology! And you accept! Okay, bye-bye!
Rachel Green: No-no, seriously-seriously, what was the especially me part about?
Monica Geller: Well, let's just say it's not the first time you've stolen my thunder.
Rachel Green: What?!
Ross Geller: Hey, here's a thought.
Rachel Green: Monica, what are you talking about?
Monica Geller: My Sweet Sixteen! Remember, you went to third base with my cousin Charlie.
Chandler Bing: Ahh, third base.
Monica Geller: It's all everybody at the party could talk about!
Rachel Green: Monica, y'know what? The only reason I did that was because your party was so boring!
Monica Geller: We had a characturist!
Rachel Green: Oh!!
Phoebe Buffay: "Whenever I get married, guess who won't get to sing? Somebody named Geller! And somebody else named Bing!"
Rachel Green: Monica, your Sweet Sixteen was like a million years ago.
Monica Geller: And yet, here we are doing it again.
Rachel Green: Ugh, Monica I don't want to steal your stupid thunder!
Monica Geller: Oh please! Why else would you have made out with Ross?!
Ross Geller: Got me.
Rachel Green: All right, easy mimey, the moment has passed, it ain't gonna happen!
Monica Geller: I just thought it would be nice if I could have just this one night!
Rachel Green: I swear, I never wanted any part of your night!
Monica Geller: Oh, is that why you did it the secret hallway where nobody ever goes?!
Ross Geller: Uh, Rachel, I've been thinking. I don't think us getting together tonight is such a good idea. I'm calling it off.
Chandler Bing: Why to save your dignity my man.
Rachel Green: Monica, why? Why would I ever want to take away from your night?
Monica Geller: I don't know! I don't-maybe you're feeling a little resentful. Maybe ah, maybe you thought you'd get married first! Maybe you can't stand the fact that your formally fat friend is getting married before you!
Rachel Green: Oh wow. That-y'know what? That is so unfair. Y'know what? Now I want to steal your thunder! Come on Ross, let's go have sex!
Monica Geller: I can't believe you're gonna have sex on my engagement night!!
Chandler Bing: Well, somebody should.
Ross Geller: Look uh, if we're gonna do this...
Rachel Green: We're not gonna do this, all right? She's just gonna think that we're doin' it.
Ross Geller: Oh, I see, so everybody wins.
Rachel Green: Who is it?
Monica Geller: It's Monica, open up!
Rachel Green: Okay well Ross! Stop it please! Wait a minute!
Ross Geller: Oww!
Rachel Green: Yeah, you like that baby? May we help you?
Monica Geller: I just wanted to say that I hope you do have sex tonight and I hope that you guys get back together, but I must warn you, the night that you announce your engagement I'm going to announce that I'm pregnant!
Chandler Bing: How is that ever going to happen?!
Rachel Green: All right Monica, do you want to know why I was with Ross tonight?!
Monica Geller: I know why!
Rachel Green: No you don't know why!
Monica Geller: Okay! Why?!
Rachel Green: Because! Because I was sad.
Monica Geller: What do you mean?
Rachel Green: Look, I am so...so happy for you guys, but you getting married just reminds me of the fact that I'm not. I'm not even close. And I don't know, maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better. And I know that that's dumb, but oh my God you were so depressed when Ross got married that you slept with Chandler!
Chandler Bing: I don't care, she slept with me.
Rachel Green: Anyway sweetie, I am, I'm so sorry I ruined your night.
Monica Geller: I'm sorry I almost made you sleep with Ross.
Ross Geller: Well, I'm going to take off. Congratulations man.
Chandler Bing: Thanks.
Ross Geller: And uh, Rachel.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Ross Geller: What can I say, you missed your chance. From now on the only person who's going to enjoy these bad boys is me.
Phoebe Buffay: "We thought Phoebe would leave, but she just stayed and stayed. That's right, I'm here all night, and Chandler will never get l..."
Chandler Bing: Hey! Here's a dollar, consider it a deposit. Please sing at our wedding.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh thank you.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Now... "Who will perform the ceremony! Who will perform the cer-Oh-oh! All right, I'll pound on him in the morning.


Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: Who wants French toast?
Ross Geller: Oh, I'll have some!
Joey Tribbiani: Good, me too. Eggs and milk are in the fridge. Thanks.
Monica Geller: Oww!
Chandler Bing: What's the matter honey?
Monica Geller: I don't know, my hand feels weird. I guess it's because, I'm engaged! How long before it starts getting annoying?
Phoebe Buffay: It starts?
Rachel Green: Yeah, so let's get started on the wedding plans!
Monica Geller: Okay!
Chandler Bing: Already?!
Rachel Green: Yeah, we got a lot to do! We gotta think about the flowers, the caterers, the music...
Chandler Bing: Oh, I got some thoughts on that.
Rachel Green: Oh wait Chandler, too many cooks...
Ross Geller: Take from me, as the groom all you have to do is show up and try to say the right name.
Monica Geller: Okay!
Chandler Bing: What in God's name is that?!
Ross Geller: Oh my God, the wedding book?! I haven't seen that since the forth grade!
Monica Geller: This baby has got everything. Take y'know, locations for instance. First, organized alphabetically, then geographically, then by square footage.
Phoebe Buffay: That is so smart! Break it off. Break it off now.
Ross Geller: And that should conclusively prove that I had the idea for Jurassic Park first! Now let's take a look at...
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Ross!
Ross Geller: Phoebe, oh my God! Wh-wh-what are you doing here?
Phoebe Buffay: I need to talk to you, it's pretty urgent. It's about Monica and Chandler.
Ross Geller: Oh my God! Of course, of course. Umm, would you please excuse me for a moment? Umm, do you know each other's hometowns? Why don't you... Wh-what's going on?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, umm, not much. But, I was just thinking that since those guys just got engaged that maybe it would be nice if they had some privacy, y'know? So, could I just move in with you for a couple days?
Ross Geller: Umm, okay, yeah, sure. But wh-what's wrong with Monica and Chandler?
Phoebe Buffay: Nothing-Why?!
Ross Geller: Phoebe, you said it was urgent!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah it is! I'm going to the movies and it starts in like five minutes.
Ross Geller: Do you realize I have a classroom full of students?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so rude. Does anyone want to come to the movies?
Monica Geller: All right, so I haven't cleared the budget with my parents yet, but tell me how this is for music.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Monica Geller: All right umm, a string quartet for the procession.
Rachel Green: Aw.
Monica Geller: A jazz trio for cocktails. The Bay City Rollers for dancing. Wait, that was from my sixth grade wedding.
Chandler Bing: Well, you couldn't get them anyway. Ian doesn't plan anymore and Derrick... And Derrick is a name I shouldn't know.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Mon, do you have another pillow? Y'know, something a little snugglyer?
Chandler Bing: Why are you napping over here instead of over at your place?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, the duck...
Rachel Green: What?! The duck?! What the hell did the damn duck do now?!
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, well he did not get sick somewhere in there and it was immediately found and properly cleaned up!
Chandler Bing: Now, do I get to look at this book or is it just for people who are actually involved in the wedding?
Monica Geller: Of course you can look at it! Yeah, I want your opinion too!
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: Here you go! What do you think about centerpieces?
Chandler Bing: Centerpieces!
Monica Geller: Yeah! Roses or Lilies?
Chandler Bing: Definitely roses. Well, I just think they're a little more weddingy. But Lilies are the clear choice.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! It's like one mind.
Chandler Bing: Uh-huh!
Joey Tribbiani: Guys! Guys!! You gotta let me nap! Ugh, I'm gonna get cranky!
Rachel Green: Joey, there is a perfectly good couch across the hall!
Joey Tribbiani: Yes it is perfectly good, and it is not one of the places the duck got sick!
Rachel Green: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, I'm gonna go!
Rachel Green: Now Joey, what did the duck do?!
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know! But he did not eat your face cream!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey little buddy, how are you feeling? What the hell is in that face cream? That's so soft. Pillowcases! Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar... The vicar? ...wouldn't be home for hours. Her loins were burning. She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his... Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho-ho! This is a dirty book!
Ross Geller: Uh, Phoebe...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh Ross, hi.
Ross Geller: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, I'm with a client right now.
Ross Geller: Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, let's talk outside.
Ross Geller: Phoebe, you can't massage people in my apartment!
Phoebe Buffay: What's the big deal? I did it at Monica and Chandler's!
Ross Geller: And they knew about it?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, well Ross, what is this really about?
Ross Geller: Look, this is my home and I want to be able to come and go whenever I want!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I will find someplace else to do the rest of my appointments. I just don't know what the big deal is!
Ross Geller: The big deal is I don't want naked, greasy strangers in my apartment when I want to kick back with a puzzle-beer! Cold beer.
Rachel Green: Hey Joey, what 'cha doing?
Joey Tribbiani: Sweepin'. Why? Turn you on?
Rachel Green: No.
Joey Tribbiani: Huh. What if I was sweeping a chimney?
Rachel Green: Joey, did you my face cream?
Joey Tribbiani: Where are you going? The vicar won't be home for hours.
Rachel Green: Joey, where did you learn that word?
Joey Tribbiani: Where do you think, Zelda?
Rachel Green: You found my book?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah I did!
Rachel Green: Joey, what-what are you doing going into my bedroom?!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, look I'm sorry, I went in there to take a nap and I know I shouldn't have, but you got porn!
Rachel Green: Hey-hey, y'know what? I don't care! I'm not ashamed of my book. There's nothing with a woman enjoying a little...erotica. It's just a healthy expression of female sexuality, which by the way, you will never understand.
Joey Tribbiani: You got porn!
Ross Geller: Hello.
Woman: Hi, is uh Phoebe here?
Ross Geller: Uh no-no, she-she's out for the night.
Woman: Ohh great.
Ross Geller: Can I, can I help you with something?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Are you a masseur?
Ross Geller: Yes I am.
Woman: Great! Dad! Thank you so much, I'll be back to pick him up in an hour.
Judy Geller: So Chandler, you're parents must've been thrilled when you told them you were engaged.
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, I should probably call them.
Jack Geller: I remember when we first got engaged.
Chandler Bing: Oh, I don't think I ever heard that story.
Monica Geller: Oh dad, really you don't need to...
Jack Geller: Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant. I still don't know that happened.
Judy Geller: You don't know how that happened?! Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy!
Chandler Bing: What a sweet story.
Monica Geller: Well, at least you're not hearing it for the first time at your fifth grade Halloween party.
Jack Geller: What?! They wanted a scary story!
Monica Geller: Anyway, we're really excited about our wedding plans, and well I guess pretty soon we'll be making a big withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund. What?
Judy Geller: You tell her Jack, I can't do it.
Monica Geller: What happened? You still have the Monica wedding fund don't you?
Jack Geller: We have it. Only now, we call it the beach house.
Monica Geller: I don't believe you spent my wedding fund on the beach house!
Judy Geller: We're sorry honey, but we just assumed if you got married after you turned 30 you'd pay for it yourself.
Monica Geller: You bought the beach house when I was 23!
Jack Geller: Which means you had seven years of beach fun and you can't put a price on that sweetie.
Judy Geller: We really do feel bad about this though.
Jack Geller: We started saving again when you were dating Richard and then that went to hell, so we redid the kitchen.
Monica Geller: What about when I started dating Chandler?
Judy Geller: Well it was Chandler! We didn't think he'd ever propose!
Chandler Bing: Clearly I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal.
Monica Geller: I can't believe it! That there is no money for my wedding?!
Judy Geller: We might still have some money, if your father didn't think it was a good idea to sell ice over the Internet.
Jack Geller: It seemed like such a simple idea.
Judy Geller: Stupid Jack, the word is stupid.
Jack Geller: All right, enough! I don't want to hear about it anymore! Good luck, Chandler.
Ross Geller: Okay! Now, I'm going to touch you. Ohh, that's soft.
Monica Geller: I can't believe this. Do you think that your parents could help pay for it?
Chandler Bing: I don't know, my mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding. She's saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to Dollywood.
Rachel Green: Well what happened at dinner?
Monica Geller: My parents spent the money for our wedding!
Phoebe Buffay: My God! What did you order?!
Rachel Green: Wait, but there's no money! Well this is terrible! You guys are gonna have to get married in like a, rec. center!
Chandler Bing: Honey, it's gonna be okay.
Monica Geller: No! No it's not! It's not gonna be okay! It sucks! No swing band! No lilies!
Rachel Green: No, y'know what? It's gonna be okay. I mean you don't have to have this rustic Italian feast. Y'know? And-and you don't need, you don't need this custom-made, empire waisted, duchess, satin gown; you can wear off the rack.
Chandler Bing: Look, it really is gonna be okay. The important thing is that we love each other and that we're gonna get married.
Rachel Green: Do you even understand what off the rack means?!
Phoebe Buffay: Look, why don't you just pay for it yourself?
Monica Geller: How? I don't have any money.
Chandler Bing: Well, I have some.
Monica Geller: How much?
Chandler Bing: Well, close to...
Monica Geller: Whoa!!! Are you kidding me?!
Rachel Green: Well what?! How-how much is it?!
Monica Geller: It's enough for wedding scenario eight.
Rachel Green: Ohh! Really?!
Monica Geller: How great are you, you little saver?! I mean, the-the amount you have is exactly the budget of my dream wedding!
Rachel Green: Ohh, you guys are so made for each other.
Chandler Bing: Well, you're not suggesting that we spend all of the money on the wedding?
Chandler Bing: Well, come on, I've been saving this money for six years and I kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! Hello, Mr. Chandler.
Monica Geller: This is the most special day of our lives.
Chandler Bing: No, I realize that honey, but I'm not gonna spend all of the money on one party.
Monica Geller: Honey, umm I-I love you, but umm, if you call our wedding a party one more time, you may not get invited. Okay? Listen, we could always earn more money, okay? But uh, we're only gonna get married once.
Chandler Bing: Look, I understand, but I have to put my foot down. Okay? The answer is no.
Monica Geller: You-you're gonna have to put your foot down?
Chandler Bing: Yes, I am!
Phoebe Buffay: Wow, money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get on board with.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Rach.
Rachel Green: Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Rach, do you smell smoke?
Rachel Green: Uh-huh, I get it, smoke, chimney, chimney sweep, very funny, ha-ha.
Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no, I'm serious. You don't smell it? Something's on fire.
Rachel Green: Well no, I don't smell anything.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, y'know what? It's probably just your burnin' loins.
Ross Geller: Hey, what are you guys, what are you guys talking about?
Rachel Green: Nothing!
Ross Geller: Damn, this coffee's cold! Hey Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins?
Rachel Green: Y'know, I can not believe you told him, Joey!
Ross Geller: So I guess you bought that book after we broke up huh?
Rachel Green: Uh-huh, yeah I did, because I wore out my first copy when I was with you.
Ross Geller: Oh yeah, yeah? Well uh, when we were going out, I read tons of porno magazines! 'Sup?
Phoebe Buffay: Ross! How could you do that to an old man?!
Ross Geller: Excuse me ladies. I'm sorry?
Phoebe Buffay: My massage client, Arthur? His daughter called and said that some guy that worked for me gave him a really weird massage this afternoon.
Ross Geller: I gave him an extremely professional massage!
Phoebe Buffay: He said you poked at him with wooden spoons.
Ross Geller: Okay, so it wasn't uh, a traditional massage. But I did give him accu-pressure with a pair of chopsticks. And, and I gently exfoliated him with, with a mop.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, he's never coming back! Okay? You just cost me eight dollars a week!
Ross Geller: Hey, y'know what? This is your fault! You're the one that didn't move his-his appointment.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's my fault?! You didn't have to massage him! You could've sent him away! You could've not rolled Tonka trucks up and down his back!
Ross Geller: He said he liked that!! Oh you're right, you're right. I'm sorry.
Joey Tribbiani: Dude, what are you massaging an old man for?
Ross Geller: His daughter was hot.
Joey Tribbiani: Gotcha.
Monica Geller: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Monica Geller: Listen umm, I've been thinking, it's not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work really hard for that.
Chandler Bing: Ehh.
Monica Geller: Eh, you work for that.
Chandler Bing: Look, I thought about it too, and I'm sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.
Monica Geller: You do?!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I'm putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy then, then that's what we're gonna do.
Monica Geller: Oh, you're so sweet. Oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff?
Chandler Bing: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y'know? We'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
Monica Geller: You thought about that?
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Monica Geller: How many kids were we gonna have?
Chandler Bing: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.
Monica Geller: What else did you think about?
Chandler Bing: Well, stuff like where'd we live, y'know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y'know, we could have a cat that had a bell on it's collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
Monica Geller: Y'know what? I-I don't want a big, fancy wedding.
Chandler Bing: Sure you do.
Monica Geller: No, I want everything you just said. I want a marriage.
Chandler Bing: You sure?
Monica Geller: Uh-hmm.
Chandler Bing: I love you so much.
Monica Geller: I love you. Hey listen umm, when, when you were talkin' about our future you said cat, but you meant dog right.
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, totally!
Monica Geller: Oh good.
Joey Tribbiani: Hello, Zelda.
Rachel Green: Who are you supposed to be?
Joey Tribbiani: The vicar!
Rachel Green: Do you even know what a vicar is?
Joey Tribbiani: Like a goalie, right?
Rachel Green: Yeah. Look Joey, it's enough all right?! You keep making these stupid jokes and this sleazy innuendoes and it's-I'm not-it's just not funny anymore!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, I'm sorry. Rach I-Rach I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry! Maybe I can make up for it by, taking you roughly in the barn.
Rachel Green: All right! Y'know what? That's it! You wanna do it?! Let's do it!
Joey Tribbiani: Huh?
Rachel Green: That's right, I wanna do it with you! I've been trying to fight it, but you just said all the right things.
Joey Tribbiani: I-I-I-I did?
Rachel Green: Yeah! Ohh, I've been waitin' so long to get on that body!
Joey Tribbiani: This body?
Rachel Green: Yeah that's right! Come on Joey; sex me up!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey, you're startin' to sound like the butcher's wife there in-in chapter seven.
Rachel Green: Oh, come on now, don't keep me waiting. Get those clothes off! But, I would keep that helmet on because you're in for a rough ride!
Joey Tribbiani: I don't want to, I'm scared.


Chandler Bing: Hey, you guys!
Chandler Bing: So, what do you think?
Ross Geller: About what?
Rachel Green: Yeah, what?
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Chandler Bing: Are you kidding? Okay, I'll give you a hint; I'll give you a hint.
Joey Tribbiani: Eyes! No, no. Your eyes! No. Chandler's eyes!
Chandler Bing: I got glasses!
Ross Geller: Well, you-you've always had glasses.
Chandler Bing: No I didn't!
Ross Geller: Are you sure?
Rachel Green: Yeah-yeah, did-didn't you use to have a pair? They were really round, burgundy, and they made you look kind of umm...
Joey Tribbiani: Feminine.
Rachel Green: Yes!
Chandler Bing: No!
Monica Geller: Sweetie, I think the glasses look great. They make you look really sexy.
Chandler Bing: Really?
Monica Geller: Yeah!
Chandler Bing: You didn't think I used to wear glasses, right?
Monica Geller: Of course!
Phoebe Buffay: So what do you guys want for an engagement present?
Chandler Bing: That's okay Pheebs, we're not having a party or anything, so you don't have to get us...
Monica Geller: If someone wants to give us a present, we don't want to deprive them of that joy.
Rachel Green: Oh, y'know what you should get 'em? One of those little uh, portable CD players.
Monica Geller: Oh, I already have one.
Phoebe Buffay: Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.
Rachel Green: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.
Monica Geller: Hey, I know I what I want!
Chandler Bing: What we want honey.
Monica Geller: No, you don't want this. I want to have your grandmother's cookie recipe.
Phoebe Buffay: You mean the chocolate chip cookie recipe?
Monica Geller: Uh-huh, yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: You mean the one that my grandmother made me swear on her deathbed that I would never let out of our family?
Chandler Bing: Dying people say the craziest things.
Monica Geller: I wanted it for years! I was gonna make cookies for my children.
Phoebe Buffay: Break my heart-Oh, all right.
Monica Geller: Okay. I'm gonna be the mom that makes the world's best chocolate chip cookies.
Chandler Bing: Our kids are gonna be fat aren't they.
Joey Tribbiani: Ahoy!
Chandler Bing: Hey! How's the boat?!
Joey Tribbiani: Great! I'm finally getting into this sailing stuff.
Monica Geller: Oh, so you finally took it out of the marina huh?
Joey Tribbiani: Why would I do that? It took three guys to get the thing in there!
Phoebe Buffay: If you don't sail your boat, what do you do on it?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, it's great! It's a great place to just kinda, sit, hang around, drink a few beers, eat some chips.
Chandler Bing: Well, it's good that you finally have a place to do that.
Rachel Green: Y'know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want.
Joey Tribbiani: You could?
Rachel Green: Yeah! I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.
Phoebe Buffay: Your own boat?
Rachel Green: What?! What?! He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick.
Chandler Bing: Do you know what I was thinkin'?
Monica Geller: What?
Chandler Bing: Nothing, I just like to go like this.
Ross Geller: Hey Chandler, what are you doing tonight?
Chandler Bing: Uh why, do you have a lecture?
Ross Geller: No, why?
Chandler Bing: Then free as a bird. What's up?
Ross Geller: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us.
Monica Geller: Wow! That's great! Dad must really like you, he doesn't ask just anyone to play.
Ross Geller: Yeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.
Chandler Bing: Well, did-did you correct him?
Ross Geller: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.
Monica Geller: This is so cool, maybe this is something you can do every week.
Ross Geller: Or you can sit with him on the front porch and make sure no one steals the trash cans. He does that every week too.
Monica Geller: Oh, just so you know, you-you have to let him win.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Monica Geller: He hates to lose.
Chandler Bing: Oh no problem, maybe I'll play with my left hand.
Ross Geller: You're not a lefty?
Chandler Bing: Does anybody know me?!
Monica Geller: What's wrong Phoebe?
Phoebe Buffay: I just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire burned it up!
Monica Geller: No!! Why didn't you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original?!!
Phoebe Buffay: Because I'm normal! That was the one legacy my grandmother left me, and I know you wanted it as an engagement present.
Ross Geller: Oh, we have to get you an engagement present?
Chandler Bing: Don't worry about it Pheebs.
Ross Geller: No one got me an engagement present.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, here I wish you health and happiness.
Chandler Bing: An old cookie?
Monica Geller: This is what happens when you don't register for gifts!
Phoebe Buffay: See no-no, I made a batch and I froze it, and this is the only one left.
Chandler Bing: We can't accept this.
Phoebe Buffay: Why not?
Chandler Bing: 'Cause it's gross.
Monica Geller: No! Wait! I think I can figure out the recipe from this cookie! I do stuff like this at work all the time.
Phoebe Buffay: Really?!
Monica Geller: Yeah! I bet I can do it.
Chandler Bing: Okay, we owe you a present.
Ross Geller: Two! I've been engaged twice!
Joey Tribbiani: Look at this clown! Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. Get out of the way jackass! Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?
Rachel Green: That is the Coast Guard.
Joey Tribbiani: What are they doing out here? The coast's all the way over there.
Rachel Green: Joey, just ignore the boats all right? We're not finished with the lesson yet.
Joey Tribbiani: All right.
Rachel Green: Okay, I'm just gonna go over the basic points just one more time, are you ready?
Joey Tribbiani: Come on Rach, not again. I got it! Okay? Let's start sailing, and I want to go over there where that boatload of girls is! Yo-ho-ho!
Rachel Green: Oh, okay. Is that what you want to do? You wanna go over and give a little shout out to the old, hot chickas? Okay, let's do that Sailor Joe. Quick question though, what's this called?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, boat rope.
Rachel Green: Wrong! How do you get the mainsail up?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, rub it?
Rachel Green: No. What do you do if I say we are coming about?
Joey Tribbiani: I'd say, come again. No-no, wait I-I-I know this one, I know this one, uh...
Rachel Green: Time's up, now your dead.
Joey Tribbiani: And deaf!
Rachel Green: Okay, you just go on and make your little jokey-jokes, but if you do not know what you are doing out at sea you will die at sea. Am I getting through to you sailor?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yes.
Rachel Green: Don't just say yes! This isn't a game, Joey you can really get hurt out here. Okay, so do you want to pay attention or do you want to die?!
Joey Tribbiani: I want to make a ship to shore call to Chandler.
Monica Geller: All right, I definitely taste nutmeg.
Phoebe Buffay: You do?
Monica Geller: You don't? Well, that's the difference between a professional and a layman.
Phoebe Buffay: That and arrogance.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey! How was sailing?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't want to talk about it. Y'know, you could've at least saved me a whole cookie.
Joey Tribbiani: Women are mean!!!
Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe that! Now the only thing left of my grandmother's legacy is this crumb. I wish you a long and happy marriage.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey! How was it?
Ross Geller: Well I had a great time! Umm, Chancy on the other hand...
Chandler Bing: I will tell the story! It was going great. I let him win. We were bonding. He even said I could call him dad.
Ross Geller: And what did he ask you not to call him?
Chandler Bing: Daddy. All right look, here's the story. Well, we had just finished playing racquetball and we were gonna take a steam. I walk into the steam room and it was really steamy. So I take off my glasses and that's when in happened.
Chandler Bing: Guys?
Ross Geller: Over here.
Jack Geller: Have a seat son. Hey!!
Monica Geller: Oh my God Chandler! I can't believe it!
Chandler Bing: I know.
Monica Geller: You gave my father a lap dance!
Chandler Bing: Why do they put so much steam in there?!
Ross Geller: 'Cause otherwise they'd have to call it the room room.
Chandler Bing: Why? Okay? Why? Wh-wh-why did that have to happen?
Phoebe Buffay: Come on, it's not that big a deal!
Chandler Bing: Not that big a deal? There...there was touching of things.
Ross Geller: Now, I know you wanted to bond with my dad, but did you really have to bond to that part?
Monica Geller: Listen, I'm sure that dad doesn't care. He probably thought this was funny; he'll be telling this story for years!
Chandler Bing: I don't want him to tell this story for years.
Ross Geller: Oh, but he will. He still tells the story how Monica tried to escape from fat camp.
Monica Geller: I wasn't escaping.
Ross Geller: Then how did you get caught in the barbed wire?
Monica Geller: I was trying to help out a squirrel.
Ross Geller: You were trying to eat it!
Chandler Bing: If that is your father calling to tell this story then the marriage is off!
Monica Geller: Come on. Hello? I'm sorry you have the wrong number. Okay, I'll call you later dad. I love you.
Chandler Bing: All right, I'm off to see your dad.
Ross Geller: Whoa-whoa, aren't you a little over dressed?
Rachel Green: Yeah, and-and you better make sure he tips you this time.
Chandler Bing: Look, I figured I would try to convince him not to tell the story anymore, and I figure the best way to do that is face to face-And by face I don't mean his lap. And by face, I don't mean my ass.
Ross Geller: Hey are you getting Monica and Chandler an engagement present?
Rachel Green: I don't know. Y'know, they didn't get us anything.
Ross Geller: Thank you!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Rachel Green: Well hello! So, when are we gettin' back out on the water matey?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh uh, I don't know the boat way to say this, but uh never!
Rachel Green: Why not?
Joey Tribbiani: Because! You're mean on the boat!
Rachel Green: What? I was just trying to teach you.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, lesson learned! Rachel is mean!
Ross Geller: Yeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took out on her dad's boat she wouldn't let me help at all.
Rachel Green: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets.
Ross Geller: You have to respect the sea!
Rachel Green: Look Joey, I'm sorry if-if you thought that was mean, but I gotta tell ya something. That was not mean. Okay, my father is mean. He used to yell at me all the time on the boat, I mean it was horrible. I was just being a good teacher.
Joey Tribbiani: Does a good teacher say, "Put down the beer pinhead!?"
Rachel Green: Well, does a good student drink seven beers during his first lesson?
Joey Tribbiani: Six and a half! You knocked that last one out of my hand! Remember?
Rachel Green: Yeah, I didn't want you to get hit by the boom!
Joey Tribbiani: Well it hit me anyway! And it would've hurt a lot less if I had finished that last beer.
Rachel Green: All right, y'know what? I-I'm sorry. I will try to tone it down and uh stop yelling.
Joey Tribbiani: You won't boss me around anymore?
Rachel Green: I won't boss you around.
Joey Tribbiani: And you'll be nice?
Rachel Green: And, I'll be nice.
Joey Tribbiani: And you'll be topless?
Rachel Green: And-Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Do you want me to learn?!
Monica Geller: Okay, here's batch 22. Ohh, maybe these'll taste a little like your grandmother's. This has a little bit of orange peel, but no nutmeg.
Ross Geller: Let's give it a shot.
Monica Geller: Okay. Man, I have not made this many cookies since I was in the ninth grade.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, what was that for? Like a bake sale?
Monica Geller: No, just a Friday night.
Ross Geller: Ohh, these are pretty good.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but not as good as batch 17.
Ross Geller: Which one was that?
Monica Geller: The ones we had right after you almost threw up.
Ross Geller: Oh yeah! Batch 17 was good. I did not like batch 16. I'm okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Are there anymore from the good batch? 'Cause we could just work off of those.
Ross Geller: Yeah, ooh yeah, I think there is one from batch 17 left, uh... It's batch 16! 16 people! Get out of the way!
Rachel Green: Okay Joey honey, you're doing really good! All right, now I'm just gonna need you to step to the port side. Remember? Remember how we talked about the port side?
Joey Tribbiani: Ohh yeah.
Rachel Green: Right?
Joey Tribbiani: Nope.
Rachel Green: It's left sweetie, but that's okay sweetie, that's a tough one.
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know why you just don't say left.
Rachel Green: Okay, go to the left. The left!
Joey Tribbiani: Huh?
Rachel Green: Just sit over there!!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay! Okay, you're yelling again! See that?
Rachel Green: No! No-no, no-no-no, very quiet, said with love, no yelling.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, y'know what? Since I'm here, I think I'm gonna have me a little beer on the port side.
Rachel Green: Okay Joey, we're luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the cunningham?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff I didn't know there.
Rachel Green: Joey, come on! We just went over this!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, y'know, when we did that was when that bird was flying overhead with the fish in his mouth. Did you see it? It was gross!
Rachel Green: No! All right?! I did not see the bird! I did not see the fish! I did not see the piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson! I did not, because I was trying to teach you how to sail a boat! Which obviously is an impossible thing to do!
Joey Tribbiani: All right that's it! You're yelling and I don't see you taking your top off! I quit!
Rachel Green: What do you mean you quit?! You can't quit!
Joey Tribbiani: Why not?!
Rachel Green: Because you're not finished yet and I won't have it! Greens do not quit!
Joey Tribbiani: Greens? I'm a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis quit!
Rachel Green: Oh my God, wait did I-I just said Greens don't quit didn't I? Did I just say Greens don't quit?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yes! Yes! You did and you're still yelling at me!
Rachel Green: No! No! No! I'm not yelling at you, I'm just yelling near you. Oh God Joey, ohh I'm my father. Oh my God, this is horrible! I've been trying so hard not to be my mother I did not see this comin'. Oh, Joey, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I just wanted you to learn.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, hey I did learn.
Rachel Green: Really?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Come on.
Rachel Green: Awww...
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, it's okay. I know what a mainsail is. I know, I know to duck when the boom comes across. I-I know port is right.
Rachel Green: Left.
Joey Tribbiani: Damnit!
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, I bet it would actually make my grandmother very happy to know that we're trying to figure out her recipe. I bet she's l-l-lookin' up at us and smiling right now.
Ross Geller: Looking up?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah-No, she was really nice to me, but she's in hell for sure.
Monica Geller: Well, I've tried everything. I give up. I guess I'm not gonna be the mom who makes the world's best chocolate cookies. I do make the best duck confit with broccoli rabe. Kids love that right.
Ross Geller: Aww, Pheeb, come on isn't there any relative that would have the recipe? What about, what about your sister?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dead body. And that's not happening 'til October 15th, 2032.
Ross Geller: That's the day you're gonna die? See-darnit, I've got shuffleboard that day.
Phoebe Buffay: That's what you think.
Monica Geller: Well, I mean what about friends of your grandmother's? Wouldn't they have the recipe?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, y'know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, Nesele Tolouse.
Monica Geller: What was her name?
Phoebe Buffay: Nesele Toulouse.
Monica Geller: Nestle Tollhouse?!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, is this the recipe?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes!! Ohh.
Monica Geller: I cannot believe that I just spent the last two days trying to figure out the recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time!
Phoebe Buffay: I know! You see it is stuff like this which is why you're burning in hell!!
Chandler Bing: So you understand, I'd feel a lot more comfortable if you didn't tell people what happened. Y'know, I'm a little...I'm a little embarrassed about it.
Jack Geller: I understand completely, there's nothing more horrifying than embarrassing yourself in front of your in-laws. As a matter of fact, when I started dating Judy I was unemployed, and her father asked me what I did for a living and I told him I was a lawyer.
Chandler Bing: What did you do when they found out?
Jack Geller: They never did, so if ever see me giving them legal advice just nod along. Shall we?
Chandler Bing: So I guess we wear swimsuits in here!
Rachel Green: Well Joey, I hate to admit it, your way of sailing is a lot more fun.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah. Hey, why don't you give a pull on that rope?
Rachel Green: Ohh we're not sailing.
Joey Tribbiani: Just pull on it.
Rachel Green: All right. Hey-hey-hey!! Sandwiches!
Joey Tribbiani: What else?
Rachel Green: Here you go.
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you.
Rachel Green: Oh wow!
Joey Tribbiani: What are you doing?
Rachel Green: Ohh, sorry.
Joey Tribbiani: What you-don't hold it like that! You're lettin' all the good stuff fall out.
Rachel Green: Ohh whoops.
Joey Tribbiani: Careful! You're wasting good pastrami! Oh my God! I'm my dad!