Ross Geller: Hi!
Bonnie: Rachel was just helping me out. My head got all sunburned.
Ross Geller: Awww.
Bonnie: Thanks a million.
Rachel Green: Oh, you're welcome a million.
Bonnie: Okay, I'll see you in our room.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Oh my God.
Ross Geller: I know.
Ross Geller: Okay, I gotta go.
Rachel Green: Whoa! What?! Why?!
Ross Geller: Well, I-I gotta go break up with Bonnie.
Rachel Green: Here?! Now?!
Ross Geller: Well, yeah. I can't-I can't stay here all night, and if I go in there she's-she's gonna wanna... do stuff.
Rachel Green: Well, can't you tell her that you are not in the mood?
Ross Geller: No, she likes that. Yeah. Faking sleep doesn't work either, I can't tell you how many mornings I woke up with her...
Rachel Green: Whoa-ho.
Ross Geller: Whoa-oh, okay! Yeah, why am I telling you that?
Rachel Green: I don't know.
Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah. It wasn't every morning.
Rachel Green: Oh, making it worse!
Ross Geller: Okay.
Phoebe Abbott: So I guess you'd like to know how it all happened.
Phoebe Buffay: I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I guess y'know I was born, and everyone started lying their asses off!
Phoebe Abbott: Noo! No! It wasn't like that I... Remember how I told you how Lily, Frank, and I we were, we were close. Well, we were, we were very close.
Phoebe Buffay: How close?
Phoebe Abbott: Well, the-the three of us we were, kind of umm, a couple.
Phoebe Buffay: I don't even know how that would work!
Phoebe Abbott: Well, we were...
Phoebe Buffay: I'm not asking!
Phoebe Abbott: Well, any how, some how I got pregnant, and, and I was scared. I was stupid and sellfish, and I was 18 years old. I mean, you remember what it's like to be eighteen years old?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Let's see, my had Mom killed herself, and my Dad had run off, and I was living in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand.
Phoebe Abbott: Well, I'm so sorry. I thought I was leaving you with the best parents in the world, I didn't even hear about your Mom and Dad til a couple of years ago, and by then you were already grown up. I don't know, you're here, and I would, I would really, I would like to get to know you.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, well, everybody does! I'm a really cool person. And y'know you had 29 years to find that out, but you didn't even try! Y'know what, you walked out on me, and I'm just, I'm gonna do the same thing to you.
Phoebe Abbott: Wait!
Phoebe Buffay: I don't ever want to see you again!
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, where's my purse?
Monica Geller: Shoot! We're out of soda.
Chandler Bing: Oh, I'll go out and get you some.
Monica Geller: Really?!
Chandler Bing: Nope! Because I'm not your boyfriend. Hey Pheebs, how did it go?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, umm, my Mom's friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth Mom.
Chandler Bing: I found a dried up seashores.
Monica Geller: Sweety, what are you talking about?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, my new Mom, who-who's a big, fat abandoner!
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, wait, Pheebs, wait a second! Don't you wanna stay here and talk about it?
Phoebe Buffay: No. I'm just, I wanna, I need to be alone.
Phoebe Buffay: Monica!
Monica Geller: Oh.
Ross Geller: It's over.
Rachel Green: Oh, was it awful?
Ross Geller: Well, it was loong. I didn't even realise how late it was, until I noticed the 5 o'clock shadow on her head. Anyway, she didn't want to stay. I called a cab; she just left.
Rachel Green: I wrote you a letter.
Ross Geller: Ohh! Thank you! I like mail.
Rachel Green: It's just some things I've been thinking about. Some things about us, and before we can even think about the two of us getting back together, I just need to know how you feel about this stuff.
Ross Geller: Okay. Wow, it's-it's 5:30 in the morning. So, I'd better get cracking on this baby.
Rachel Green: Well, I'll be waiting for you, just come up when you're done.
Ross Geller: Okay, I'll be up in, 18 pages. Front and back. Very exciting.
Ross Geller: Oh. Oh-oh.
Rachel Green: Hey! What happened to you? Why didn't you come up?
Ross Geller: Done!
Rachel Green: You just finished?
Ross Geller: Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-this is clearly very, very important to you, to us! And so I wanted to read every word carefully, twice!
Rachel Green: So umm, does it?
Ross Geller: I'm sorry.
Rachel Green: Does it?
Ross Geller: Does it? Does it? Yeah, I wanted to give that whole 'Does it?' part just another glance.
Rachel Green: What are you talking about, Ross, you just said that you read it twice! Look, y'know what, either it does or it doesn't, and if you have to even think about it...
Ross Geller: No, Rach, no. I don't, I don't, I don't have to think about it, in fact, I've decided, I've decided that, that it...does.
Rachel Green: Are you sure?
Ross Geller: Oh, sure! I'm sure.
Rachel Green: I know.
Chandler Bing: All right, there's a nuclear holocaust, I'm the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?
Monica Geller: Ennnh.
Chandler Bing: I've got canned goods.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you guys! Take a look at this! Check this baby out, dug me a hole!
Chandler Bing: Excellent hole, Joe.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh no! No!! My hole!!
Monica Geller: Ow!! Ow!!!
Joey Tribbiani: What?! What?!! What is it?!
Monica Geller: Jellyfish sting! Oh, it hurts! It hurts!! It hurts!!
Chandler Bing: Well, can we help?! You want us to take you back to the house?!
Monica Geller: It's like two miles!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, and I'm a little tired from digging the hole.
Monica Geller: Oh damn the jellyfish. Damn all the jellyfish!
Chandler Bing: We've got to do something!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, there's really only one thing you can do.
Monica Geller: What?! What is it?!
Joey Tribbiani: You're gonna have to pee on it.
Monica Geller: What?!! Gross!!
Joey Tribbiani: Don't blame me, I saw it on The Discovery Channel.
Chandler Bing: Y'know what, he's right. There's something like uh, ammonia in that, that like kills the pain.
Monica Geller: Well forget it! It doesn't hurt that baaad!!!!
Joey Tribbiani: If you want some privacy you can use my hole.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm ready to get the hell out of here! Oh. Are you? Are you?!! Ohh! That's so great!! Ooh, not for Bonnie. But for you, yay! Ohh.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: How was the beach?
Monica Geller: Nothing, I don't know.
Ross Geller: What happened?
Monica Geller: Nothing. I'm gonna take a shower.
Chandler Bing: Me too!!
Joey Tribbiani: Me too.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I'm gonna put this in the car.
Rachel Green: Ooh, I have to go pack. It really does?
Ross Geller: It does. It really and truly does.
Ross Geller: It so does not!!!
Ross Geller: She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong in our relationship. I mean she goes on for five pages about, about how I was unfaithful to her! WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!
Chandler Bing: Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I'm gonna break up with you!
Ross Geller: Fine! Fine! But this break-up was not all my fault, and she, she says here, "If you accept full responsibility..." Full responsibility! "...I can begin to trust you again. Does that seem like something you can do. Does it?!!"
Joey Tribbiani: No?
Chandler Bing: Look, Ross, you have what you want, you're back with Rachel. If you bring this up now you're gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you.
Ross Geller: Yeah, I know. I mean, no, you're right. Yeah I guess I'll let it go. But you-you understand how-how hard it is to forget about this.
Joey Tribbiani: Sure, it's hard to forget! But that doesn't mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things happened on that trip that we should never, ever talk about.
Ross Geller: What the hell happened on that beach?!
Joey Tribbiani: It's between us and the sea, Ross!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi, Ursula.
Ursula Buffay: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, well umm, I know that we haven't talked in a long time, but umm okay, our Mom is not our birth Mom. This-this other lady is our birth Mom.
Ursula Buffay: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm.
Phoebe Buffay: You know her?!
Ursula Buffay: No, I umm, I read about her in Mom's suicide note.
Phoebe Buffay: There-there was a suicide note?! Well, do you still have it?
Ursula Buffay: Hang on.
Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe you didn't tell me there was a suicide note!
Ursula Buffay: Yeah. So how have you been doing?
Phoebe Buffay: I, umm, shut up!
Phoebe Buffay: "Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. I'll miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk." You just wrote this!
Ursula Buffay: Well, it's pretty much the gist. Well, except for the poem. You read the poem, right?
Phoebe Buffay: Noooo!!
Ursula Buffay: All right, hang on!
Monica Geller: Pass the cheese, please.
Monica Geller: My God, you can't even look at me! Can you?
Joey Tribbiani: Nope.
Chandler Bing: Hey! Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe!!
Phoebe Buffay: No. I'm-I'm to depressed to talk.
Chandler Bing: I'll give you a thousand dollars to talk to us.
Ross Geller: Hey, you guys! What do you, what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing?
Rachel Green: All right, that's it, you guys! What happened out there?
Monica Geller: What? We took a walk, nothing happened. I can back with nothing all over me.
Ross Geller: What happened? Joey?
Joey Tribbiani: All right.
Monica Geller: No! Joey, we swore we'd never tell!
Chandler Bing: They'll never understand!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, we have to say something! We have to get it out! It's eating me alive!! Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
Monica Geller: All right!! All right. I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn't stand. I-I couldn't walk.
Chandler Bing: We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.
Monica Geller: I was in too much pain.
Joey Tribbiani: And I was tired from digging the huge hole!
Chandler Bing: And then Joey remembered something.
Joey Tribbiani: I'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...
Ross Geller: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?!
Monica Geller: You can't say that!! You-you don't know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn't...bend that way. So...
Joey Tribbiani: That's right I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I'd pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldn't. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler.
Chandler Bing: Joey kept screaming at me, "Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!" Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming.
Joey Tribbiani: That's 'cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out.
Phoebe Buffay: "...fuchsia and mauvvve. Those are the 66 colours of my bedroommmm." Thank you, thank you. Ohh, and I invite you to count the colours in your bedroom. Except for you. You go away.
Phoebe Abbott: I'll go in a second, I-I just wanted to tell you that there hasn't been a day where I didn't regret giving you up.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, bye.
Phoebe Abbott: No, I'm not done. I-I-I just want you to know that I, the reason I didn't look you up was, well I was afraid that you'd react, just well like, the way, the way you're reacting right now, and can't we just, y'know, start from here?
Phoebe Buffay: No.
Phoebe Abbott: Sorry. But just one last thing. Y'know you came looking for family. I'm family, I'm it. Now, now I'm done.
Phoebe Buffay: But, it's not like we're losing anything. Y'know?
Phoebe Abbott: Yeah, I guess you're right.
Phoebe Buffay: It's not like we-we know each other or anything. Or that have anything in common.
Phoebe Abbott: Well, I don't know. I mean it's not like we don't have anything in common. I mean I like uh, pizza.
Phoebe Buffay: I-I like pizza!
Phoebe Abbott: You do?! Wait, I like umm, the Beetles.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, so do I!
Phoebe Abbott: I knew it, wow!!
Phoebe Buffay: Wait-wait-wait, wait! Puppies. Cute or ugly?
Phoebe Abbott: Ohh, so cute.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, well! But umm, still I'm-I'm mad at you.
Phoebe Abbott: I know. I'm mad at me too.
Phoebe Buffay: Well umm, do you wanna get something to eat? I'm kinda hungry.
Phoebe Abbott: Hey! Me too!
Phoebe Buffay: All right, stop it. Now you're just doing it to freak me out.
Rachel Green: Oh-hooo, I missed you.
Ross Geller: I missed you too.
Rachel Green: Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter. But the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you've grown. Y'know?
Ross Geller: I suppose.
Rachel Green: You have! Ross, you should give yourself credit. I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
Ross Geller: Umm-hmm.
Rachel Green: Ooh, I just wish we hadn't lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective...
Ross Geller: WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!!
Chandler Bing: Coffee house?
Monica Geller: You bet.
Ross Geller: And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!!
Rachel Green: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!!
Ross Geller: I didn't know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn't finish the whole letter!
Rachel Green: What?!!
Ross Geller: I fell asleep!
Rachel Green: You fell asleep?!
Ross Geller: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means 'you are,' Y-O-U-R means 'your!'
Rachel Green: Y'know I can't believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!
Ross Geller: FINE BY ME!!
Rachel Green: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!!
Monica Geller: Hey!!
Rachel Green: Sorry!! I just feel bad about all that sleep you're gonna miss wishing you were with me!
Ross Geller: Oh, no-no-no don't you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter!!!
Rachel Green: And hey! Just so you know, it's not that common! It doesn't happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
Chandler Bing: I KNEW IT!!!!
Monica Geller: Gin.
Chandler Bing: We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked.
Monica Geller: Will you stop!
Chandler Bing: Okay. All right.
Monica Geller: Okay, all right, I think you're great, I think you're sweet, and you're smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me.
Monica Geller: Gin.
Chandler Bing: We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked.
Monica Geller: Will you stop!
Chandler Bing: Okay. All right.
Monica Geller: Okay, all right, I think you're great, I think you're sweet, and you're smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me.


Chandler Bing: Wow! That ripped! That ripped real nice!
Joey Tribbiani: How many times do I have to tell you! Ya, turn and sliiiide! Y'know, turn and slide.
Chandler Bing: You don't turn and slide, you throw it out! I'm tired of having to get a tetanus shot every time I get dressed!
Joey Tribbiani: Look, we're not throwing it out! I built this thing with my own hands!
Chandler Bing: All right, how about we, how 'bout we sell it.
Joey Tribbiani: All right. But, you're gonna have to tell them.
Chandler Bing: Do you mind if we stick you in another cabinet? They seem all right with it!
Chip Matthews: Hey Monica, it's Chip.
Monica Geller: Yesss!!
Ross Geller: Who's Chip?
Monica Geller: Shhh!
Chip Matthews: Good runnin' into you at the bank today, so ah, here's my number, 555-9323. Give me a call. Later.
Monica Geller: Chip, is Chip Matthews.
Ross Geller: The guy who took Rachel to the prom? Why is he calling you?
Monica Geller: 'Cause I ran into him at the bank, he is still soo cute.
Ross Geller: Monica, you're so lucky! He's like the most popular guy in school!!
Monica Geller: I know!! Chip? Hi! It's Monica. 'Kay. 'Kay. Okay. Okay, good-bye. Oh my God, we just had the best conversation!!
Ross Geller: I was just leaving.
Rachel Green: Good! 'Cause I've got a product report to read, it's like eight pages, I hope I don't fall asleep.
Ross Geller: Why? Did you write it?
Rachel Green: Wow! Look at that, Chip Matthews called. I wonder what he wants?
Ross Geller: Well ah, actually...
Rachel Green: I bet he sensed that I was ready to have sex with another guy.
Ross Geller: Well, umm, why don't you give him a call?
Rachel Green: Okay. Are you sure you wanna hear this?
Ross Geller: Oh, I'm sure.
Rachel Green: Chip! Hi, it's Rachel. Rachel Green. Yeah, umm, you left me a message. Yes you did, my roommate wrote it down. Monica Geller. Ohh.
Ross Geller: Oh, that's right! He called to ask out Monica! That-that's gotta be embarrassing!
Phoebe Buffay: ...DUMB, DRUNKEN, BITCH!!! Thank you, thanks.
Ross Geller: Hey, here's a question; where did you guys get the finest oak East of the Mississippi?
Chandler Bing: Uh-huh, first you tell us where you got the prettiest lace in all the land.
Ross Geller: I'm reading your ad.
Joey Tribbiani: Looks good, uh?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Stunning entertainment center. Fine, fine Italian craftsmanship.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, you guys are selling the entertainment center?
Rachel Green: Why? I love that thing.
Chandler Bing: You want it?
Chandler Bing: Ahh, Gepeto, $5,000 dollars? Are you insane?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, the ad alone cost 300 bucks!
Chandler Bing: All right look, I'm changing it to 50 bucks, or your best offer.
Joey Tribbiani: What kind of profit is that?! And you call yourself an accountant.
Chandler Bing: Nooo.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh. What do you do?
Chandler Bing: I can't believe you don't know what I do for a living!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I actually don't know...
Ross Geller: Good, so do I
Rachel Green: Something to do with numbers?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! No! Shoo! Kitty! No! No-no-no! Shoo! Come on, you! Come on. Crazy. Oh my God.
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Nothing. Nothing.
Joey Tribbiani: What? What's wrong?
Phoebe Buffay: I just, I just have this really strong feeling that this cat is my Mother.
Rachel Green: You mean the mom you met in Montauk. She was a cat?!
Phoebe Buffay: No, no-no, she was a human lady. This is the spirit of my Mom Lily, the one who killed herself.
Ross Geller: Are you sure she's in the cat, or have you been taking your grandma's glycoma medicine again?
Phoebe Buffay: No Dr. Skeptismo! I'm sure. First of all, okay, there's the feeling. Okay, and for another, how about the fact that she went into my guitar case which is lined with orange felt. My Mother's favourite fish is Orange Roughy... Cats...like...fish! Hi, Mommy. Oh, I haven't seen this smile in 17 years!
Joey Tribbiani: Dude, Phoebe's mom has got a huge peni...
Chandler Bing: Let it go!!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Umm, when were you gonna tell me that you're going out with Chip Matthews?
Monica Geller: Now? Is it okay if I go out with Chip Matthews?
Rachel Green: Nooo! It's not okay! I can't believe you would want to after what he did to me!
Monica Geller: What, that little thing at the prom?
Rachel Green: Monica! I couldn't find him for two hours! He was having sex with Amy Welch!
Monica Geller: Come on, that was back in high school! How could that still bother you?
Rachel Green: I mean why, of all people would you want to go out with Chip?!
Monica Geller: Look, you and I went to different high schools...
Rachel Green: Okay, that doesn't help me, because we went to the same high school.
Monica Geller: You went to one where you were popular, and you got to ride off Chip's motorcycle, and wear his letterman jacket. I went to one where I wore a band uniform they had to have specially made.
Rachel Green: They had to have that specially made?!
Monica Geller: It was a project for one of the Home Ec classes.
Rachel Green: Oh my God, they told us that was for the mascot!
Monica Geller: Back then, I thought that I would never, ever get the chance to go out with a Chip Matthews, and now he's-he's called me up and asked me out. And the fat girl inside of me really wants to go. I-I owe her this. I never let her eat.
Rachel Green: Oh, you go out with him.
Monica Geller: Oh, really?!
Rachel Green: Yeah. Just, if it's possible, could you leave him somewhere and go have sex with another guy?
Monica Geller: I'll try.
Ross Geller: So you guys having any luck getting rid of the entertainment center?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, there were a couple of calls last night, but ah, I don't think any of them are gonna work out.
Chandler Bing: Yes, Joey has a very careful screening process. Apparently, not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails.
Phoebe Buffay: Stop it! Stop it! She keeps squirming, trying to get away! Just like when she was alive.
Ross Geller: So Pheebs, how long is your mom gonna be with us?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm not sure. I mean, I guess until she y'know, gets used to the fact that there's y'know, a new mom. Y'know, I think she's worried that y'know, she's gonna, she's gonna be replaced. Well, that's not gonna happen is it? Noo. Okay, I have to return a call in the other room.
Monica Geller: Why can't you use the phone in here?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I'm returning a call from a certain mom at the B-E-A-C-H. I just spelled the wrong word.
Ross Geller: So, guys, am I crazy, or does Phoebe's mom remind anyone of a cat?
Monica Geller: Ross, don't start.
Ross Geller: Come on, you-you can't tell me you actually believe that-that there's a woman inside that cat!
Rachel Green: I believe it.
Ross Geller: No you don't.
Rachel Green: Yes, I do.
Ross Geller: No you do-y'know what, you're not gonna suck me into this.
Rachel Green: Oh sure I am, because you always have to be right.
Ross Geller: I do not always have to be-okay, okay.
Rachel Green: Jurassic Park could happen.
Tony: Wow! That's ah, that's pretty nice!
Joey Tribbiani: Pretty nice?
Chandler Bing: You'll have to pardon my roommate, he wanted to marry this.
Tony: We don't have 50 bucks, but would you be willing to trade for it? We've got a canoe.
Chandler Bing: Y'know, I, I really don't think we need a canoe.
Tony: You gotta take the canoe!
Chandler Bing: All right, just, just take the entertainment center, and then when you get home, throw the canoe away!
Peter: We're not throwing it away! I built that canoe!
Joey Tribbiani: Good for you!!
Rachel Green: You guys, you're never gonna believe what I just found tacked up on a telephone pole! Look kinda familiar?
Ross Geller: Apparently Phoebe's mother also goes by the name Julio.
Rachel Green: You guys, there's a little girl in Soho looking for this cat. I mean, you know what that means?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-eah! 200 dollar reward, split five ways!!
Rachel Green: Do we have to tell her?
Ross Geller: Yes, we have to tell her!
Monica Geller: Oh, but it's made her so happy.
Ross Geller: Little girl misses her cat. Crazy lady thinks her mother is in a cat. Okay, y'know what, I have to go have dinner with my son, can I trust that when you see Phoebe, you will tell her.
Everyone: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Thank you.
Rachel Green: I hate when Ross is right!
Monica Geller: He is right, isn't he?
Chandler Bing: Y'know what, I think this might be one of the times he's wrong.
Everyone: You think?
Chandler Bing: Oh-no, he's right.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi.
Monica Geller: Hi!
Everyone: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, Pheebs, about your mom...
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: How's that going?
Phoebe Buffay: So great. Oh, we took a nap today and my Mom fell asleep on my tummy and purred.
Joey Tribbiani: That's so sweet. I'm gonna get some coffee.
Monica Geller: Huh? What'd ya say Joe? I'll be right there.
Rachel Green: Pheebs...
Phoebe Buffay: I just feel so, uhh...
Rachel Green: All right!!
Chandler Bing: I'm coming already!!
Rachel Green: Jeez!
Monica Geller: Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet!
Rachel Green: Hello, Chip.
Chip Matthews: Hey, Rach! How ya doin'?
Rachel Green: I'm great! I'm great. I've got a great job at Bloomingdale's, have wonderful friends, and eventhough I'm not seeing anyone right now, I've never felt better about myself.
Chip Matthews: So ah, Monica ready yet?
Rachel Green: She'll be out in a second. So, Chip, how's umm, Amy Welch?
Chip Matthews: Amy Welch? Wow! I haven't seen her since... So, Monica about ready?
Joey Tribbiani: This is the unit for you my friend. Sturdy construction, tons of storage compartments, some big enough to fit a grown man.
Guy: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah! I got in there myself once. My roommate bet me five bucks that I couldn't, and then he stuck a board through the handles that locked me in. Yeah. It was funny 'til I started feeling like I was in a coffin.
Guy: No, you, you can't fit in that thing. That's not deep enough.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah? If I can't, I'll knock five bucks off the price off the unit.
Guy: All right, you have yourself a deal.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay. See?! I told ya!
Joey Tribbiani: Sometimes I get in here just to get away from it! Hey, a nickel!!
Chip Matthews: Here, we are.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! You still have the Chipper!
Chip Matthews: The what?
Monica Geller: That's what we used to call your ah, your motorcycle in high school. Y'know how a motorcycle is a Chopper, and you're Chip. Nevermind.
Chip Matthews: No, I think it's cute.
Monica Geller: Wow! A lipper from Chipper.
Chip Matthews: So you still in touch with anyone from high school?
Monica Geller: Umm. Well, there's Rachel, and umm, I think that's it. How bout you?
Chip Matthews: Oh yeah, I still hang with Simmons and Zana, y'know. I see Spindler a lot. Devane, Kelly, and I run into Goldie from time to time. Steve Brown, Zuchoff, McGwire, J.T., Breadsly.
Monica Geller: Is that all?
Chip Matthews: Ehh, y'know after high school, you just kinda lose touch. Oh yeah! I ran into Richard Dorfman.
Monica Geller: Ohh, how is he?
Chip Matthews: Not so good, Simmons and I gave him a wedgie.
Monica Geller: Isn't he an architect now?
Chip Matthews: Yeah, they still wear underwear.
Chandler Bing: OH MY GOD!!!
Joey Tribbiani: WHAT?!!
Chandler Bing: Are you all right?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah...
Chandler Bing: What happened?!!
Joey Tribbiani: Awww, man! He promised he wouldn't take the chairs!!
Chandler Bing: What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn't think big enough to fit a grown man!
Chandler Bing: So-You got in voluntarily?!
Joey Tribbiani: I was tryin' to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again, do you know what I'm gonna do?
Chandler Bing: BEND OVER?!!!
Chip Matthews: ...and then Zana, just let one rip!!
Monica Geller: Look, not that I enjoy talking about people who I went to high school with, 'cause I do, but umm, maybe we could talk about something else? Like you, I don't even know where you work?
Chip Matthews: You know where I work!
Monica Geller: I do?
Chip Matthews: The movie theatre, you used to come in all the time.
Monica Geller: You still work at the multiplex?
Chip Matthews: Oh, like I'd give up that job! Free popcorn and candy, anytime I want. I can get you free posters for your room.
Monica Geller: Thanks, I'm set. Do you still live with your parents?
Chip Matthews: Oh yeah, but I can stay out as late as I want.
Rachel Green: Wow! They really got you guys. Your T.V. The chairs.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, your microwave. The stereo.
Joey Tribbiani: Aww, man, he took the five of spades!! Oh, no-no-no, here it is!
Monica Geller: Oh my God! What happened?
Chandler Bing: Oh, umm, Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed!!
Rachel Green: So, how was your date?
Monica Geller: Well, y'know how I always wanted to go out with Chip Matthews in high school?
Rachel Green: Um-hmm.
Monica Geller: Well, tonight, I actually went out with Chip Matthews in high school.
Rachel Green: Oh honey, I'm sorry.
Monica Geller: No, it's okay, not only did I get to go out with Chip Matthews, I got to dump Chip Matthews.
Rachel Green: Ohh! That's so great!
Monica Geller: I know!
Ross Geller: Hey! So ah, what did the insurance company say?
Chandler Bing: Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here, so stop calling us."
Ross Geller: You didn't tell her?! Okay, fine! Pheebs?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? Hi!
Ross Geller: Hi! Listen uhh, this cat belongs to a little girl. There are flyers all over the place.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry, sweetie.
Monica Geller: Hey, we can take her back with you if you want.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh. Um-hmm. But y'know, she choose to find me. I mean, I have to respect her decision. Right?
Ross Geller: No! No! Look-Hey, enough is enough! Look, I am sorry that you feel guilty or whatever about spending time with your new mom, but this is not your old mom. This is a cat! Okay, Julio the cat! Not mom! Cat!
Phoebe Buffay: Ross, how many parents have you lost?
Ross Geller: None.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, then you don't know what it feels like when one of them comes back. Do you? I believe this is my Mother. Even if I'm wrong, who cares? Just be a friend. Okay? Be supportive.
Ross Geller: I'm sorry.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Ross Geller: I don't know what to say.
Rachel Green: You could... say you're sorry to her mom.
Phoebe Buffay: I think she would like that.
Ross Geller: Come here, here, come here, come here, Mrs. Buffay. Sorry, about what I said, umm, it was, it was insensitive of me to say that you were just a cat. When clearly you are also the reincarnated spirit, of my friend's mother.
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you. We both forgive you.
Rachel Green: So honey, what are you gonna do about the little girl?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, okay, listen, umm, Mom, I hope you know you still mean a lot to me. And you're welcome to come back anytime.
Chandler Bing: Pheebs, if she could come back as a couch, we'd really appreciate it.
Phoebe Buffay: Come on, Mom, I'll take you home.
Rachel Green: I'll go with you.
Monica Geller: Me too.
Ross Geller: Oh! Y'know, I've got an extra futon.
Joey Tribbiani: Dude, you don't have to brag! We got nothing here!!


Joey Tribbiani: Hey!! We are so in luck! Treeger said that we could have all this cool stuff from the basement. Wait right there.
Chandler Bing: Oh no-no-no, I'm, I'm paddling away!
Joey Tribbiani: Huh?!
Chandler Bing: Wow! Really?! We get all this rusty crap for free?!
Joey Tribbiani: Uh-huh. This and a bunch of bubble wrap. And, some of it is not even popped!
Chandler Bing: Could we be more white trash?
Monica Geller: How desperate am I?
Rachel Green: Oh! Good thing Chandler's not here, he always wins at this game.
Monica Geller: I just told my Mom I'd cater a party for her.
Phoebe Buffay: How come?
Monica Geller: Because I need the money, and I thought that it'd be a great way to get rid of that last little schmidgen of self-respect.
Ross Geller: Come on, I think this is a good thing. I don't think Mom would've hired you if she didn't think you were good at what you do.
Monica Geller: You don't have to stick up for her. She can't here you.
Rachel Green: Hey! Umm, do you guys have any juice?
Joey Tribbiani: Just pickle.
Chandler Bing: Hey uh, Rach, funny story. I ah, bumped into Joanna on the street yesterday.
Rachel Green: My boss, Joanna? Wow, that must've been awkward.
Chandler Bing: Well, no, actually she uh, asked me if I wanted to get a drink.
Rachel Green: You ah, you didn't say 'Yes' to that did you?
Chandler Bing: No. No!
Joanna: Hello, Rachel.
Chandler Bing: Well, not at first.
Rachel Green: What is she doing here?
Rachel Green: I don't understand! Last time you went out with her you said she was a 'big, dull dud.'
Chandler Bing: Well, I think I judged her too quickly, and this time we were able to take the relationship to the next level.
Rachel Green: Well, last time I almost got fired. You must end it, you must end it now!
Chandler Bing: Oh, come on! It's not like this is an everyday occurrence for me! I mean usually I'm pretty much just in there by myself.
Rachel Green: Chandler!! Promise me, you will end it.
Chandler Bing: Okay, I promise, I'll end it.
Rachel Green: Thank you.
Chandler Bing: I hope you know what I'm giving up for ya, because she's not just the boss in your office, if you know what I mean.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-eh-eah! Oh-oh, sorry, I-I knew what he meant.
Judy Geller: How's the hired help?
Monica Geller: Doing great, the quiches are coming along.
Judy Geller: What's this? Blue nail polish?
Monica Geller: Yeah, I thought it was cute.
Judy Geller: Ahh, that's what your Grandmother's hands looked like when we found her.
Monica Geller: Let me ask you a question.
Judy Geller: Hmm.
Monica Geller: Why did you hire me?
Judy Geller: Oh, well Richard raved about the food at his party, of course you were sleeping with him. Then I heard the food at that lesbian wedding was very nice, I assume you weren't sleeping with anybody there. Though, at least that would be something.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! Did you hear that? She hired me because she thinks I'm good.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I didn't hear that.
Monica Geller: Oh yeah, she didn't hire me out of pity, it wasn't so she could pick on me in front of her friends, she actually thinks I'm good.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! And hey, it's cool if you're a lesbian!
The Salesman: Good afternoon, are you the decision maker of the house?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhhhh.
The Salesman: Do you ah, currently own a set of encyclopedias?
Joey Tribbiani: No! No. But ah, try the classifieds, people sell everything in there.
The Salesman: Actually, I'm not buying. I'm selling. Let me ask you one question. Do your friends ever have a conversation and you just nod along even though you're not really sure what they're talking about?
Ross Geller: ...I'm telling you it's totally unconstituional.
Monica Geller: ...I think he deserves a Nobel Prize.
Everyone: Nooo!!
Chandler Bing: ...it was like the Algonquin kids table.
The Salesman: Excuse me, I'm sorry, you haven't said anything for about two and a half minutes, are you at all interested?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-well-yeah! Yeah-oh-yeah. Come on in.
Phoebe Buffay: That's weird.
Monica Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Your nails.
Monica Geller: Oh, I know, I never wear fake ones. I just did it so my Mom wouldn't give me grief about me biting them.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, no, I meant that it's weird that you only have nine now.
Monica Geller: Oh my God. Wait a minute, I had them put... Oh my God! It's in the quiche! Oh My God!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, don't panic. I'm gonna go to the store, I'm gonna get you another set of nails, no one's gonna know, and you're gonna look great. Oh! Oh, it's 'cause they're gonna eat-that's the problem.
Judy Geller: Honey, don't bite your nails.
Monica Geller: Okay ah, please don't freak out. Umm, but ah, there's a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups, and there's no way to know which one.
Phoebe Buffay: And! Whoever finds it wins the prize!
Judy Geller: I'm not freaking out.
Monica Geller: Then why are you laughing?
Judy Geller: It's nothing, it's just that now your Father owes me five dollars.
Monica Geller: What? You bet I'd lose a nail?
Judy Geller: Oh no, don't be silly. I just bet I'd need these.
Monica Geller: Frozen lasagnas?
Judy Geller: Um-hmm.
Monica Geller: You bet that I'd screw up?! So all that stuff about hiring me because I was good was...
Judy Geller: No-no-no, that was all true. This was just in case you pulled a Monica.
Monica Geller: You promised Dr. Weinburg, you'd never use that phrase.
Judy Geller: Oh honey, come on, have a sense of humour, you've never been able to laugh at yourself.
Monica Geller: That's right. My Mom doesn't have any faith in me! Oh, that's hilarious! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Phoebe Buffay: I don't get it.
Judy Geller: No, I have faith...
Monica Geller: No! You have lasagnas!
Oven: Ding!
Phoebe Buffay: Op, the ruined quiches are ready.
Chandler Bing: It just doesn't...feel like we're breaking up.
Joanna: No, we are. I'm sad.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Joanna: Yes. Uh, can't you wait until tomorrow? All right. Unbelievable!!
Chandler Bing: Thanks.
Joanna: No, no, that was my boss. I have to go.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Joanna: What are you doing?
Chandler Bing: I'm getting dressed.
Joanna: Why?
Chandler Bing: When I walk outside naked people throw garbage at me.
Joanna: Wait. I wanna show you something.
Chandler Bing: What is it?
Joanna: Just a little gag gift somebody gave me. Put your hands together.
Chandler Bing: Ah-ha, you're not the boss of me. Yeah, you are! Ooh, saucy.
Joanna: I'll be back in ten minutes.
Chandler Bing: You are, you're gonna leave me like this?
Joanna: Knowing you're here, waiting for me I think it's kinda exciting.
Chandler Bing: Okay. But if you don't come back soon, there's pretty much nothing I can do about it!
Joanna: Oh.
Sophie: Hi! I brought you back a macaroon!
Joanna: Oh great! I'll keep it in my butt with your nose.
Rachel Green: That's weird, she locked the door.
Sophie: Y'know why? She's got the Christmas bonus list in there. I saw her working on it this morning.
Rachel Green: Okay, swear you won't tell, but when Mark left he gave me a key to Joanna's office. Do you wanna see the list?
Sophie: Yeah!
Chandler Bing: Hi! How are you?
Chandler Bing: Hello, Joanna...'s office.
Joanna: I'm really sorry but I may be a little while longer.
Chandler Bing: How little?!
Joanna: A couple of hours, I feel awful.
Chandler Bing: Look, this isn't funny! You get back here right now!
Joanna: I can't!!
Chandler Bing: Why not?!
Joanna: I'm in my boss's car!
Chandler Bing: What?!
Joanna: Uh-oh, tunnel.
Rachel Green: What?!
Chandler Bing: Rachel, could I see you for a moment?
Chandler Bing: Okay, here's the situation. The keys to the cuffs are on the back of the door. Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over and unlock me? And on a totally different subject, that is a lovely pantsuit.
Rachel Green: You promised you would break up with her!
Chandler Bing: I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well!
Rachel Green: And the fact that you were jeopardising my career never entered your mind?!
Chandler Bing: It did enter my mind! But then something happened that made it, shoot right out.
Rachel Green: Y'know what Chandler, you got yourself into those cuffs, you get yourself out of them.
Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I can't get myself right out of them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler!! Come on, you have to unlock me, she could be gone for hours, and I'm cold, and
Rachel Green: Oh, Chandler!! All right, this is it! You never see Joanna again!
Chandler Bing: Never!
Rachel Green: You never come into this office again!
Chandler Bing: Fine!
Rachel Green: You give me back my Walkman!
Chandler Bing: I-never borrowed your Walkman.
Rachel Green: Well, then I lost it. You buy me one!
Chandler Bing: You got it! Here we go! Come on! This is great! Ahhh!
Rachel Green: Does it hurt?
Chandler Bing: No, I just always see guys doing this when they get handcuffs taken off them. Hello sweet pants!
Rachel Green: Wait a minute! What are you gonna tell Joanna?
Chandler Bing: About what?
Rachel Green: When she sees that you're gone, she's gonna know that I let you out, and that I was in here, and I'm gonna get fired!
Chandler Bing: I'll make something up! I'm good at lying, I actually did borrow your Walkman!
Rachel Green: No, there's nothing to make up, she's gonna know that I have a key to her office, I've got to get you locked up back the way you were!
Chandler Bing: Oh-ho-ho, I don't think so!
Chandler Bing: Well, this is much better.
The Salesman: So, here's somebody interesting, Joey. What do you know about Van Gogh?
Joey Tribbiani: He cut off his ear.
The Salesman: And?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm out.
The Salesman: He painted that.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! That's pretty nice. I thought he cut off his ear 'cause he sucked. What else you got in there?
The Salesman: Let's see, ahhh... Where does the Pope live?
Joey Tribbiani: In the woods. No wait-wait, that's the joke answer.
The Salesman: Actually its, Vatican City. Now ahh, what do you know about vulcanised rubber?
Joey Tribbiani: Spock's birth control.
The Salesman: You need these books.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hi.
Phoebe Buffay: This used to be your room? Wow! You must've been in really good shape as a kid.
Monica Geller: Ohh, I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I actually thought she could change.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, who cares what your Mom thinks? So you pulled a Monica.
Monica Geller: Oh good, I'm glad that's catching on.
Phoebe Buffay: No but, why does that have to be a bad thing. Just change what it means. Y'know? Go down there and prove your Mother wrong. Finish the job you were hired to do, and we'll call that pulling a Monica.
Monica Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, umm, if a kid gets straight A's, his parents would say, "Yeah, he pulled a Monica." Y'know? Or a fireman saves a baby, and they go, "Yeah I know, he pulled a Monica." Or someone hits a homerun and the announcer says, "Yeah, that one's outta here." Though some things don't change.
Monica Geller: All right, I'll go down there. But, I'm not gonna serve the lasagna. I'm gonna serve something I make.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow! My breasts are really strong.
Rachel Green: Chandler! Chandler, please, I have to get you locked up back the way you were, I am sooo gonna lose my job, she's very private about her office. Now I know why.
Chandler Bing: Hey, look, you're in trouble either way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, she's gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go.
Rachel Green: What if I clean your bathroom for a month?
Chandler Bing: It still wouldn't be clean. All I want is my freedom.
Rachel Green: Foot rubs for a month!
Chandler Bing: Freedom!
Rachel Green: I'll take all of your photos and put them into photo albums!
Chandler Bing: Freedom! I want my freedom! Why won't you here me?! Sophie, help me! Help me!!
Rachel Green: Sophie sit!!
Rachel Green: No! God, would you just calm down!
Chandler Bing: I'm gonna say this for the last time. Would you please just...
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! There's a lot I didn't know about vomit. In a minute.
The Salesman: So, what do you say, Joey? You get the whole set of encyclopedias for twelve hundred dollars, which works out to just 50 bucks a book!
Joey Tribbiani: Twelve hundred dollars? You think I have $1200? I'm home in the middle of the day, and I got patio furniture in my living room. I guess there's a few things you don't get from book learnin'.
The Salesman: Well ah, what can you swing?
Joey Tribbiani: How about zero down and zero a month for a long, long time?
The Salesman: You don't have, anything?
Joey Tribbiani: You wanna see what I got? Okay? I've got a baby Tootsie Roll, a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex, a rock, and an army man. Hey!
The Salesman: Okay, I-I get the picture. Uh, thanks, for your time.
Joey Tribbiani: And a 50. Huh, these must be Chandler's pants.
The Salesman: For 50 bucks, you can get one book! What will it be? A? B? C?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I-I think I'm gonna stick with the V, I wanna see how this bad boy turns out.
Rachel Green: I ah, will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts.
Chandler Bing: No!
Rachel Green: I ah... Oh! I'll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning!
Chandler Bing: With extra pulp?
Rachel Green: Yeah!!
Chandler Bing: No!
Rachel Green: D'oh!! I've got it!
Chandler Bing: You don't have it.
Rachel Green: I have so got it. There's gonna be rumours about this, there's no way to stop it. Sophie knows, Monica and Phoebe know.
Chandler Bing: How do Monica and Phoebe know?
Rachel Green: Oh, I called them. And when they ask me what I saw, I can be very generous or very stingy.
Chandler Bing: Go on.
Rachel Green: I can make you a legend. I can make you this generation's Milton Berle.
Chandler Bing: And Milton Berle has a...
Rachel Green: Ohh, not compared to you.
Monica Geller: Well?
Phoebe Buffay: They're not even touching the lasagna!
Monica Geller: Really?!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, they love your casserole.
Monica Geller: Yes!!
Phoebe Buffay: It's hard to believe that just a little while ago this was nothing but ingredients.
Judy Geller: Well, everyone seems to be enjoying your dish.
Monica Geller: And you?
Judy Geller: I thought it was... quite tasty.
Monica Geller: So if everyone liked it, and you liked it, that would make this a success. Which would make you...
Judy Geller: A bitch?
Monica Geller: Well, I was going for wrong, but we can use your word.
Judy Geller: Yes, well I was wrong, and I have to say you really impressed me today.
Monica Geller: Wow!
Phoebe Buffay: Umm, you might even say that she pulled a Monica. She doesn't know we switched it.
Judy Geller: And the next time you cater for me, there will be nothing but ice in the freezer.
Monica Geller: That really means a lot. Oh, and Mom, don't bite your nails.
Chandler Bing: Hello.
Monica Geller: Hello, Chandler.
Chandler Bing: I love you.
Joey Tribbiani: Wh-what's going on?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Joey Tribbiani: No he doesn't!
Chandler Bing: Two hours, that lasted!
Rachel Green: So did you break up with Joanna?
Chandler Bing: I think so.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, it's good thing you got out when you did, before she blew up like that Vesuvius.
Ross Geller: The volcano?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. And speaking of volcanoes, man are they a violent igneous rock formation.
Rachel Green: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, lava spewing, hot ash, of course some are dormant.
Monica Geller: Why are you talking about volcanoes all of the sudden?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, we can talk about something else. What do you want to talk about? Vivisection? The Vasdeferens? The Vietnam War?
Monica Geller: Oh! Did anybody see that-that documentary on the Korean War?
Everyone: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh God, Korea is such a beautiful country.
Ross Geller: With such a sad history.
Chandler Bing: Could there be more Kims?
Joanna: Who's out there?
Rachel Green: It's me! Good morning!
Joanna: Rachel, could you come in here for a moment, please?
Rachel Green: Yeah, sure. Umm, they didn't have poppy seed bagels, so I... Oh my word!
Joanna: I seem to have had a slight office mishap. Could you please get the key off the back of the door for me.
Rachel Green: Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Joanna: You tell your friend Chandler that we're definately broken up this time.
Rachel Green: Okay.


Phoebe Buffay: Hey! New wallet, huh?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, it was time. The old condom ring in the leather just doesn't say 'cool' anymore.
Monica Geller: Rachel!
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller: You just put an empty carton back in the fridge!
Rachel Green: Oh yeah, I know, but the garbage was full.
Monica Geller: Have you ever taken out the trash?
Rachel Green: Well, I thought you liked doing it.
Monica Geller: Third door on the left.
Rachel Green: Right!
Rachel Green: Oh! Hey, Mr. Treeger.
Mr. Treeger: Hey.
Mr. Treeger: What are you doing?
Rachel Green: Ummm. Oh! I'm sorry. It's a little old but...
Mr. Treeger: No! You're clogging up the chute that I spent a half-hour unclogging!
Rachel Green: I'm sorry. I didn't-I don't come in here a lot.
Mr. Treeger: Oh yeah, of course you don't!
Rachel Green: No.
Mr. Treeger: 'Cause you're a little princess! "Daddy, buy me a pizza. Daddy, buy me a candy factory. Daddy, make the cast of Cats sing Happy Birthday to me..."
Rachel Green: I didn't... I never said that.
Mr. Treeger: You think you could make a mess and the big man in coveralls will come in here and clean it up, huh? Well, why don't think of someone else for a change?
Rachel Green: Okay, I'm sorry.
Monica Geller: God! If you're gonna cry about it!
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-whoa, Treeger made you cry?
Rachel Green: Yes! And he said really mean things that were only partly true.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm gonna go down there and teach that guy a lesson.
Monica Geller: Joey, please don't do that. I think it's best that we just forget about it.
Rachel Green: That's easy for you to say, you weren't almost just killed.
Joey Tribbiani: All right that's it, school is in session!
Monica Geller: My God! Is this a gym card?
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last 1200 times.
Ross Geller: So why don't you quit?
Chandler Bing: You don't think I've tried? You think I like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try and confuse you! Then they bring out Maria.
Ross Geller: Who is Maria?
Chandler Bing: Oh Maria. You can't say no to her, she's like this lycra spandex covered gym...treat.
Ross Geller: You need me to go down there with you and hold your hand?
Chandler Bing: No!
Ross Geller: So you're strong enough to face her on your own?
Chandler Bing: Oh no, you'll have to come.
Mr. Treeger: Tribbiani! Hold on, I'll get the plunger.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! You hold on pal! Now you made my friend, Rachel, cry. So now, you're gonna go up there and apologize to her, unless you want me to call the landlord.
Mr. Treeger: And tell him what?
Joey Tribbiani: Have you heard about a little something called, Not Making Girls Cry.
Mr. Treeger: Yeah. Well maybe you have heard about the Rent Stabilization Act of 1968!
Joey Tribbiani: I have actually not heard of that.
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, well your friends are in violation of it. I've been a nice guy up until now, but uh, I don't need this grief. I'm gonna call the landlord and tell him that Monica is illegally subletting here grandmother's apartment. Your friends are outta here pal.
Joey Tribbiani: Why don't you tell me something I don't know!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh please, somebody tell me I don't have to go to work today!
Monica Geller: What's the matter?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, my first massage today is this incredibly gorgeous guy, and every time I see him I just want to do things to him that I'm not allowed to charge for.
Monica Geller: So do them for free.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, it is forbidden! No-no, Mrs. Potter fires people for fooling around with clients. And it's against my oath as a masseuse.
Ross Geller: They make you take an oath?
Phoebe Buffay: No, I made myself take an oath. Yeah, no fooling around with clients and umm, always be prepared. Yeah, that one's actually from the Boy Scouts, but it just makes good sense.
Chandler Bing: Why don't you just give him to somebody else?
Phoebe Buffay: No, I can handle it. No, I'm a professional.
Rachel Green: Oh Pheebs, is that a new ankle bracelet?
Monica Geller: Wow! And you got a petticure. Your feet are all dressed up.
Chandler Bing: Because that's the only part of you he can see when he's on the table!
Monica Geller: You're gonna do some feet flirtin'!
Phoebe Buffay: I don't what your talking about.
Ross Geller: Then how do you explain the toe ring?!
Phoebe Buffay: Because it's Arabian princess day at work! Okay?! Leave me alone!
Rachel Green: Oh! My hero! What happened?
Joey Tribbiani: Well uh, I went down there and told him that no one treats my friends like that and that he'd better come up here and apologize. I'll see you later.
Monica Geller: What a minute, what did he say?
Joey Tribbiani: He said that he wasn't gonna apologize because you guys are living here illegally, so instead what he's gonna do is have you evicted-I'll see you later.
Rachel Green: What?! You got us evicted!!
Monica Geller: I told you not to go down there!
Joey Tribbiani: Well he made Rachel cry!
Monica Geller: Rachel always cries!
Rachel Green: That's not true!
Monica Geller: Now Joey, you go down there and you suck up to him. I mean you suck like you've never sucked before!
Joey Tribbiani: All right! I'll try! But if I can't, you can stay with Chandler and I until you get settled.
Rachel Green: Go!!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, all right, all right. I mean I'll have to check with him first, but I'll think he'll be cool with it.
Ross Geller: Whoa-whoa-whoa, hey! Now remember what we talked about, you gotta be strong.
Chandler Bing: Yes. Yes!
Ross Geller: One more time, "Hey, don't you want a washboard stomach and rock hard pecs?"
Chandler Bing: No! I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts!
Ross Geller: Good! That's good!
Chandler Bing: Okay. I wanna quit the gym.
Gym Employee: You wanna quit?
Chandler Bing: I wanna quit the gym.
Gym Employee: You do realize that you won't have access to our new full service Swedish spa.
Chandler Bing: I wanna quit the gym.
Gym Employee: Okay, Dave in the membership office, handles quitters. Uh, excuse me, are you a member?
Ross Geller: Me? No.
Gym Employee: Sorry, members only.
Chandler Bing: I wanna quit the gym.
Ross Geller: It's okay man, be strong.
Gym Employee: So, are you a member of any gym.
Ross Geller: No! And I'm not gonna be, so you can save you little speech.
Gym Employee: Okay, no problem. Could you come here for a second?
Woman: Hi, I'm Maria.
Rick Sanoven: Wow, you have really pretty feet.
Phoebe Buffay: These old things.
Rick Sanoven: Would you mind spending some time on my siadic area, it's been killing me today.
Phoebe Buffay: You mean the-Okay by siadic, you mean the towel covered portion.
Rick Sanoven: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Sure, yeah, no I can do that, yeah, because umm, y'know, the muscles in the siadic area can get y'know, real nice and tight. So umm, tell me Rick, how umm, how did you injure the area.
Rick Sanoven: Oh, a 16-hour sit-in for Greenpeace.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Rick Sanoven: Ow! Did you just bite me?
Phoebe Buffay: No!
Mr. Treeger: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Please don't kick Monica and Rachel out, this wasn't there fault, it was mine.
Mr. Treeger: You want me to kick you guys out instead?
Joey Tribbiani: No you can't do that, where would the chick and the duck live?
Mr. Treeger: You have pets!
Joey Tribbiani: Noo-no-no, no, those are nicknames. I'm the chick and Chandler is the duck.
Mr. Treeger: Huh, I would've thought it was the other way around.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on man, just-just let the girls stay, I'll do whatever you want.
Mr. Treeger: Really? You'll do anything?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-yeah, absolutely.
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, I've got something you can do.
Joey Tribbiani: What, what is it?
Mr. Treeger: Can you be my dancing partner?
Joey Tribbiani: That's not, prison lingo, is it?
Monica Geller: His dancing partner?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, there's this superintendent's dance, the Super Ball. I don't know, and he wants to impress Marge, this lady super that he's a crush on.
Rachel Green: Well, why doesn't he practice with a girl?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, he's too shy, he doesn't thing he's good enough to dance with girls yet.
Rachel Green: Yeah, right, he almost danced me right down that...garbage chute.
Monica Geller: Oh, would you let it go already?! You're fine!
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hey! So, did you quit?
Chandler Bing: No, I almost did, couldn't leave Ross there without a spotter!
Monica Geller: Wait, now so you joined the gym?
Ross Geller: And that's funny, why?
Rachel Green: Oh, umm, I was just y'know working out and umm... Oh, that's it.
Chandler Bing: We're doomed. Okay, they're gonna take 50 bucks out of our accounts for the rest of our lives. What are we gonna do?
Monica Geller: Well, you could actually go to the gym.
Ross Geller: Or! Or, we could go to the bank, close our accounts and cut them off at the source.
Chandler Bing: You're a genius!
Joey Tribbiani: Aww, man, now we won't be bank buddies!
Chandler Bing: Now, there's two reasons.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Everyone: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, you guys, remember that cute client I told you about? I bit him.
Rachel Green: Where?!
Phoebe Buffay: On the touchy.
Ross Geller: And that's not against your oath?!
Phoebe Buffay: No, I know! I-I'm sorry, but the moment I touch him, I just wanna throw out my old oath and take a new, dirty one.
Monica Geller: Well, next time your massaging him, you should try and distract yourself.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Like-like when I'm doing something exciting and I don't wanna get too excited, I just ahh, y'know try to thing of other things like ah sandwiches, and ah baseball, and ah Chandler!
Chandler Bing: Thank you, Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: No-no, thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, I'm here, let's ahh, get this over with.
Mr. Treeger: Okay ahh, well, just ahh, follow my lead.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-whoa, don't we need to do some kinda preparation first? Like ahh, get really drunk?
Mr. Treeger: Look come on, eh, just ah, just ah, put your arms around me, eh.
Mr. Treeger: Ahhhh! I'm sorry!
Joey Tribbiani: No, it's okay, but if I'm Marge, my breasts are coming out my back.
Mr. Treeger: Ahh, forget it! I'll never be any good at this, my mom was right, I'm just a big potato with arms, and legs, and a head.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on man, you're not a potato.
Mr. Treeger: I'm sure as hell a dancer, it's no use Marge will never go for me.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on Treeger, don't say that. You just ahh, you just need more practice. Here, come on, let's ahh, let's try it again. Come on. Plus, it was, it was probably mostly my fault, anyway. I mean, y'know, I'm not really that comfortable dancing with a- We-he!! Hey!
Mr. Treeger: Yeah!
Monica Geller: Hey-hey, how goes the dancing? Gay yet?
Joey Tribbiani: Ah-ha-ha, you guys owe me big time.
Rachel Green: What was that?
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Rachel Green: You just did a little dancy thing.
Joey Tribbiani: No I didn't.
Monica Geller: Yes you did! You did like a little hop.
Rachel Green: You are soo enjoying this.
Joey Tribbiani: No, I'm not! And it wasn't a hop it was a pademarie.
Monica Geller: You know the words! You are so into this!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, well maybe I'm enjoying it a little bit. I mean I'm getting pretty good at it.
Rachel Green: Ooh, this is soo sweet, Joey our little twinkle-toes.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey, hold on, this isn't some kind of like girly dance. All right, it's like a sport, it's manly!
Monica Geller: All right, then show me some manly moves.
Joey Tribbiani: All right.
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know how to lead.
Ross Geller: Hello.
Chandler Bing: Hi.
Ross Geller: We'd like to close our accounts.
Bank Officer: Close your accounts? Is there some kind of problem?
Ross Geller: No-no.
Chandler Bing: No, we'd just like to close them.
Bank Officer: Okay, Ms. Lambert handles all our closures. Would you come over here please?
Ms. Lambert: Hi, I'm Karen.
Chandler Bing: I wanna quit the bank!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, baseball. Rick, playing baseball. Okay, slides into second, maybe even his pants come down a little... Oh no-wait no, no! No! Okay, all right, sandwiches, sandwiches. Umm, okay, on a plate, maybe Rick's pants come down a little. No! No! Okay, Chandler! Okay Chandler, ooh, that's working.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler's knees. Chandler's... ankles. Chandler's ankle hair. Oh no. Okay, you're all set.
Rick Sanoven: Oh wow! That was amazing, was that really just an hour?!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! In... really long hour world.
Rick Sanoven: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Ugh, okay, I have an enormous crush on you. But because you're a client, I can't ask you out, even though you give me y'know, the feeling.
Rick Sanoven: Wow! I had no idea! But you know, I could always find another masseuse.
Phoebe Buffay: Really?!
Rick Sanoven: Yeah, really.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Rick Sanoven: Suddenly, I very aware that I'm naked.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, quit down.
Mrs. Potter: Mr. Simon's been waiting for- Oh my God!
Mr. Simon: Why wasn't I offered that? I'd definitely pay more for that.
Mrs. Potter: Phoebe, we have rules here, this isn't that kind of place.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, oh and I know, but this isn't what it looks like, 'cause Rick is my ahh, husband.
Mrs. Potter: Oh really? Well, then you'd better tell his other wife, 'cause she called three times asking where he is.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, I will tell her.
Monica Geller: So you didn't leave the bank?
Ross Geller: No! And somehow, we ended up with a joint checking account.
Rachel Green: What are you ever gonna use that for?!
Chandler Bing: To pay for the gym.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! So I had a great day, Rick and I really hit it off, and we started making out, and then my boss walked in and fired me for being a whore.
Joey Tribbiani: What?!
Rachel Green: You got fired?!
Monica Geller: Oh my Gosh!
Phoebe Buffay: It's so weird, I have never been fired from anything before!
Rachel Green: Sweety...
Phoebe Buffay: I just-I just started walking around not knowing what to do next, y'know? I-I started asking people on the street if they wanted massages. Then these policemen, thought I was a whore too. It's been a really bad day, whore wise.
Mr. Treeger: Hey Duck, is Chick here?
Chandler Bing: Yeah... Bunny-rabbit.
Joey Tribbiani: So you ah, ready for our last practice?
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, but y'know, I think the reason we're not getting that spin right is because my apartment's too small.
Joey Tribbiani: Look, you wanna use our place?
Mr. Treeger: No, I ahh, had another idea.
Joey Tribbiani: We did it!!
Mr. Treeger: I know, we did it!! Hey, that was incredible, huh?!
Joey Tribbiani: I know, it was amazing! I mean, we totally nailed it, it was beautiful.
Mr. Treeger: Thank you, listen, thanks a lot Tribbiani, . Oh my God, look at the time, I gotta catch the bus to the ball.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh well, okay, good luck.
Mr. Treeger: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Unless you wanna practice the Foxtrot again? Or-or the Tango?
Mr. Treeger: Ahh, thanks but no. You see I-I think I'm ready to dance with girls.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Mr. Treeger: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Go get 'em Treeger.
Mr. Treeger: Right. Hey, ahh, you wanna come? Marge has a girlfriend.
Joey Tribbiani: Really?
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, you could dance real good with her, she's the same size as me.
Joey Tribbiani: No, I'm good.
Interviewer: So it looks like you've got some great experience here. Let's see ahh, reason for leaving last job?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, they thought I was a whore.
Interviewer: Okay, we'll give a call if anything comes up.
Phoebe Buffay: Great! Thank you very much.


Ross Geller: Hello! What's this? Oh right its that girl's phone number. Yeah-yeah, there it is, just a phone number a really hot girl gave me. It's no big deal, I mean it is her home phone number, but... Whoa! Whoa-whoops, I almost lost this baby! Yeah, the lovely Amanda gives me her number and I-I go and drop it.
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you.
Gunther: Rachel?
Rachel Green: Yeah?
Gunther: When's your birthday?
Rachel Green: May fifth, why?
Gunther: Oh, I-I'm just making a list of people's birthdays.
Ross Geller: Oh, mine's December...
Gunther: Yeah, whatever.
Chandler Bing: Ohh, she's pretty. Pretty ahh, pretty girl, the pretty-she's pretty.
Monica Geller: Just go up to her and ask her out. Oh, what's the worst thing that could happen?
Chandler Bing: I could die.
Ross Geller: Yeah, it's-it's tough being single. That's why I'm so glad I found Amanda.
Rachel Green: Ross, you guys went out once. You took your kids to Chucky Cheese, and you didn't even kiss her.
Chandler Bing: I tell people secrets. It makes them like me.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: Phoebe! You're sick, you shouldn't play. You should just go home, get in bed, and stay there.
Phoebe Buffay: But I'm unemployed, my music is all I really have now. Well music, and making my own shoes. Pretty, huh?
Chandler Bing: All right, I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna get shot down. Any advice?
Monica Geller: Just be yourself. But, not too much.
Chandler Bing: Wish me luck.
Ross Geller: Good luck!
Chandler Bing: Wish it! Hi. Hi, I-I was just sitting over there, and uhh, Chandler. My name is Chandler. Did I say that?
Kathy: No, you didn't. Hi, I'm Kathy.
Chandler Bing: Uh Kathy, with K or a C?
Kathy: With a K.
Chandler Bing: Oh-oh-hey!
Kathy: Wow! You are really good at this.
Chandler Bing: Hey, come on, give me a break, I'm out on a limb here.
Kathy: I'm sorry, you're right, I apologize, but I should tell you that I'm waiting for a date. Oh, and there he is now.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey! Hey, hey-hey, hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I see you guys already met, huh?
Chandler Bing: Yes-yes, I was just trying to figure out a way to uh, demonstrate how I could get my exceptionally large feet into my even bigger mouth.
Joey Tribbiani: Didn't I tell ya? Always showin' off.
Phoebe Buffay: Before I start, I just wanna say that umm, I have a cold, so if I sneeze in the middle of song, it's not on purpose. Oh, except the last verse of Pepper People. Smelly cat, smelly cat. What are they feeding you? This chick sounds good. Smelly cat, smelly- Hey Gunther, be a good little boy and bring me a whiskey.
Chandler Bing: Hi!
Kathy: Hi.
Chandler Bing: Jeez, at 2:30 in the morning, I didn't expect to have to fight over the remote.
Kathy: I'm sorry, it's just this Ernie Cofax thing on in a few minutes I wanted to watch.
Chandler Bing: Oh my God! That's why I got up too!
Kathy: You're kidding! Oh, I love him.
Chandler Bing: Hey, listen, I'm sorry about this afternoon, y'know, if I would've known you guys were... I never would've...
Kathy: Oh please!
Chandler Bing: So ah, Joey tells me you two met in acting class.
Kathy: Yeah, they teamed us up as partners. Joey picked three scenes for us to do; all of them had us making out.
Chandler Bing: That's a good thing actually, because ah, he used to have me rehearse with him.
Kathy: Oh-oh-oh-oh!
Chandler Bing: Is it on?
Kathy: No, but this wonder broom is amazing!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Kathy: Oh my God!
Chandler Bing: Oh! It's on! It's on!
Chandler Bing: There we go little fella.
Kathy: What about the duck?
Chandler Bing: Well the duck can swim.
Kathy: Oh, jeez.
Phoebe Buffay: My sticky shoes, my sticky-sticky shoes, why do you stick on me, ba-a-by! Thanks for the lights honey.
Everyone: Way to go, Phoebe!
Monica Geller: That cold makes you sound so great.
Phoebe Buffay: It's fun, God I love how sexy I am.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, Kath, we should get going. We're going to by hamsters.
Everyone: Ooh, that's great, I love those little guys.
Kathy: No, no, it's not like that. I, I work for a medical researcher.
Rachel Green: Well, have fun!
Kathy: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I think it's great that the medical community is finally trying to help sick hamsters.
Monica Geller: Y'know what, I like Kathy.
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, me too, she's so cool and pretty.
Rachel Green: Yeah, she's...
Chandler Bing: She's smart and funny, y'know? We were up all last night talking, she said the funniest thing about-what?
Rachel Green: You love her.
Chandler Bing: No, I don't.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, you do. Chandler loves Kathy.
Ross Geller: Come on, Pheebs lay off him.
Chandler Bing: Thank you, Ross.
Ross Geller: Yeah, he's a little sensitive right now, `cause he's so in love.
Chandler Bing: All right.
Everyone: Ohh!
Chandler Bing: All right.
Monica Geller: Ooh, umm, oh Kathy! Kathy, I love you! Oh!
Phoebe Buffay: So, I need to write some depressing stuff to go along with my new floozy voice, but nothing that sad has ever really happened to me.
Monica Geller: Oh umm, how about your mom dying, or having to live on the streets when you were 14?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh. Oh, yeah, I could write about the time my hair did that "Woo-hoo" thing.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Ross Geller: So I'm going over to Amanda's tonight!
Monica Geller: Rachel's not here.
Ross Geller: Oh.
Monica Geller: How's it going with her?
Ross Geller: Great, actually. I'm thinking tonight, maybe the night. Yeah, I mean ah, the kids are gonna play together and then when they're asleep, I'm thinking Amanda and I break open a bottle of wine, and do a little "playing" ourselves.
Rachel Green: Hi guys! This is Josh. Josh, these are my friends, and that's Ross.
Monica Geller: Hi, Josh.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi.
Joshua Burgin: Dudes.
Monica Geller: So, did you play in college? sweatshirt he's wearing.)
Joshua Burgin: Oh, I still do. Next year, I hope to make varsity though.
Rachel Green: Ross, didn't you ah, play soccer in High School? Oh no wait, that's right. You just organized their game schedules on your Commodore 64.
Joshua Burgin: Well, it's getting late, I've got to get to the game, so I'm gonna... head.
Rachel Green: Okay. I'll miss you.
Joshua Burgin: Dope!
Phoebe Buffay: Wow, cute one!
Monica Geller: Very!
Rachel Green: I know, isn't he great? It's so nice to finally be in a fun relationship, y'know? There's nothing boring about him, and ah, I bet he's never set foot in a museum.
Ross Geller: Well maybe he'll get to go soon, like on a class trip or something.
Rachel Green: Y'know what else is really great about him, oh, what is the word for the adult that doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom?
Ross Geller: Oh!
Rachel Green: What was that?
Ross Geller: Monica knows.
Monica Geller: It's this dumb thing that Ross made up `cause he was trying to fool our parents. It's a way of giving the finger, without actually having to give it. I remember I cried the night you made it up, `cause it was the first time that I realized that I was actually cooler than my older brother.
Ross Geller: Well, I'm gonna go get ready, for my date tonight, so ah, I'll just_ head.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I should go to, `cause I'm playing in one hour. Hey, you guys should come hear me, ooh hear me. Ooh, My sticky shoes-eww! Eww! I lost my sexy phlegm!
Amanda (Ross' date): Hi!
Ross Geller: Hi!
Amanda (Ross' date): Hi Ben!
Ross Geller: Wow! You-you look great!
Amanda (Ross' date): Thanks!
Ross Geller: Okay! Hey Tommy.
Amanda (Ross' date): I am so glad that you could come over tonight.
Ross Geller: Oh no-no-no, it's my pleasure.
Amanda (Ross' date): Okay, well, my cell phone number is right here on the counter, please help yourself to anything in the fridge.
Ross Geller: What?
Amanda (Ross' date): I appreciate this soo much, I've been trying to go out with this guy for like a month.
Ross Geller: I-I-I...
Amanda (Ross' date): Oh, I don't mean to be a square, but I'd really appreciate it if you wait and drink your wine after the kids are asleep? Oh uh, thanks for this, I hope I can do the same for you sometime.
Ross Geller: Who wants to make some long distance calls?
Chandler Bing: Kathy! Kathy! Hi!! Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! Fetch! Fetch it! Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! Kathy.
Kathy: Hey, Chandler! What are you doing here?
Chandler Bing: Oh, I just wanted to say, "Hey!"
Kathy: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: Oh come on! You're making it sound worse than it actually was.
Ross Geller: Her date tipped me ten dollars.
Ross Geller: Pheebs, what are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I wanna be sexy again so I'm trying to catch a cold. It should be easy, supposedly they're pretty common.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, you'll catch pneumonia.
Chandler Bing: Okay. You were right. I'm in love with Joey's girlfriend.
Phoebe Buffay: What?!
Ross Geller: Are you serious?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, how-how-how is that possible? You barely know her!
Chandler Bing: I don't know. I can't-I just, I can't get her out of my head. Y'know? I mean, I'm a very bad person. I'm a very, very bad person. I'm a horrible person. No you're not Chandler! We still love you Chandler!
Monica Geller: Oh gosh, Phoebe, I think I caught your cold.
Phoebe Buffay: You mean you stole it! Don't cover your mouth when you do that!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Kathy: We were just talking about you.
Chandler Bing: Really?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-yeah, I told her about the time you got drunk and fell asleep with your head in the toilet.
Chandler Bing: Right in there!
Chandler Bing: 99...100! Ready or not, here I come! All right, let's go over the concept one more time.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey guys. Listen uh, you wanna get some dinner with me and Kathy tonight?
Chandler Bing: Ohh, umm, y'know what, I already ate.
Joey Tribbiani: It's 4:30.
Chandler Bing: Y'know I had a big meal on Monday, y'know. So that's just gonna get me straight through the week.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, I see what's going on here.
Chandler Bing: You-you do?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! You don't like Kathy.
Chandler Bing: You got me.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you've been avoiding her ever since we started going out. Look, I made an effort to like Janice, now I think it's your turn to make an effort to like Kathy by going out to dinner with us. Right?
Chandler Bing: Yeah. Right.
Joey Tribbiani: Good, and hey! My treat. But that's only because you're not eating anything, right?
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: Ross isn't here.
Rachel Green: Oh. Stop it!
Joshua Burgin: So I'll see you at the party? Beer's beer man, 24, 7!!
Rachel Green: Yeah! I am soo gonna marry that guy. Ohhh!
Monica Geller: What?
Rachel Green: I think he's stealing from me.
Monica Geller: Why?
Rachel Green: Because he's stealing from me!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi! It's me. And soup. Hey, I just saw Josh, he looks so yummy in your leather jacket.
Rachel Green: Ughh!
Phoebe Buffay: Here, now I don't eat chicken, so it's just noodle soup. And there's no chicken in the broth either, so it's really just... noodle water.
Monica Geller: Thank you so much Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: Sure.
Monica Geller: What are you doing with those?!
Phoebe Buffay: But, I need your germs! I want my cold back! I miss my sexy voice.
Monica Geller: Sorry, Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: It's okay. How's the soup?
Monica Geller: Umm.
Monica Geller: Ohhhh!! Gross!!
Kathy: Ohh, God, guys, check it out, you can see that girl's underwear!
Joey Tribbiani: Is she great or what?
Kathy: So? Huh? What do you think?
Chandler Bing: Ohh, she's-she's not really my type.
Kathy: Not your type?! She's gorgeous!
Chandler Bing: Y'know what I think it is? It's the fishnet stockings. Y'know? Whenever I see a girl in fishnet stockings it reminds me of my father in fishnet stockings.
Kathy: Okay. Understanding a little more why you're single. Ohh! Y'know, I have a friend you would like, she's really pretty. And then we could double date!
Chandler Bing: Uhh, no-no thanks.
Kathy: Okay, I've got some ugly friends, and they're all available too.
Chandler Bing: Listen, I-I'm gonna grab a beer.
Joey Tribbiani: I'll be right back. What was that?
Chandler Bing: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Kathy was being really nice and you just walked away. I thought we had a deal.
Chandler Bing: Hey, look, what do you want from me?
Joey Tribbiani: I want you to like her! But if that's too damned difficult for you, then the least you can do is pretend.
Chandler Bing: I am pretending.
Joey Tribbiani: Well then, do it better!
Chandler Bing: Okay, what do you saw I go over there and say how much I like her? No-no it'll be good, I can tell her much I've been thinking about her. That I haven't stopped thinking about her since the moment I met her. That I'm so fantastically, over-the-top, wanna-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, that's pretty good. But you might wanna tone it down a little.
Ross Geller: Hey! So, uhh, Amanda just-just dropped me off. Yeah, that's one of the things I love about her, she's...uh, she's old enough to drive. So uhh, I guess you're not going to mom and dad's tonight?
Monica Geller: No, sorry.
Rachel Green: Well where's Amanda?
Monica Geller: Hey Rach, could you get me some cough drops?
Rachel Green: I mean y'know, I'm thinking. You could bring her, and you guys could go up to your old room, and not make out.
Monica Geller: Ross, cough drops, please?
Ross Geller: At least I know she's not going out with me to get into R rated movies.
Rachel Green: Why don't you just marry her? Oh no, wait a minute you can't, I'm sorry I forgot, she's not a lesbian.
Ross Geller: You see Amanda and I have a very special...
Monica Geller: You have nothing! You're not even going out! You're her baby sitter! You have a 12-year-old girl's job!
Rachel Green: Ohh, that is soo sad.
Monica Geller: And what are you laughing at, Miss `My-keg-sucking-boyfriend-is-stealing-from-me!'
Rachel Green: Hey, so he stole a couple bucks from me! At least he bought me something with it!
Monica Geller: That's mine!! Now, would you both please start acting like adults? And get me my cough drops!
Ross Geller: Fine.
Rachel Green: Sorry.
Ross Geller: Here. At least I made ten bucks in my relationship.
Rachel Green: Y'know...
Phoebe Buffay: Platting goats are platting. Platting down the street. Platting goats are platting, leaving little treats. Does it even work without my sexy voice?
Gunther: I like it.
Phoebe Buffay: Gunther, kiss me.
Gunther: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Now, we're not actually gonna be sleeping in her, but do you mind?
Chandler Bing: Can I sleep on your couch?
Phoebe Buffay: And I'm still waiting for my paper mache man. Thank you my babies.
Gunther: Rachel?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Gunther: I don't know if you heard about what happened between me and Phoebe the other day_
Rachel Green: No!
Gunther: Well, we kissed. I-I-I didn't initiate the kiss, but-but I also didn't stop it, and I've been feeling guilty.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Gunther: So umm, are we cool?
Rachel Green: Okay.
Gunther: I knew you'd understand.


Cheryl: So, thank you for the delicious dinner.
Ross Geller: You're welcome for a delicious dinner.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey what are you guys looking at?
Chandler Bing: Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, come to papa.
Ross Geller: I know!
Monica Geller: Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the ass on her?
Chandler Bing: Where did you, when did you, how did you... How did you get a girl like that?
Rachel Green: Yeah, so what is she, like a... like a spokesmodel, or an aerobics instructor, what?
Ross Geller: Actually she's a paleontology doctoral candidate, specializing in the centazoic era.
Chandler Bing: Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era.
Ross Geller: I've seen her at work, but I always figured, ah-huh? But, uh, I made her dinner. We had a great time. And we're going out again tomorrow.
Rachel Green: Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek.
Ross Geller: Fine by me; hope she wins.
Chandler Bing: Hi. You guys have any wrapping paper?
Phoebe Buffay: Oo! Is it for my birthday present?
Chandler Bing: Phebes, it was your birthday, like, months ago.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but remember you said you ordered something special, and it just hasn't come yet?
Chandler Bing: Well, I have a call in about that.
Phoebe Buffay: 'Kay.
Chandler Bing: Actually, this is for Kathy's birthday. It's an early edition of her favorite book.
Rachel Green: Oh, The Velveteen Rabbit! Oh my God, when the boy's love makes the rabbit real!
Chandler Bing: Okay, but don't touch it, because you fingers have destructive oils.
Rachel Green: Huh. Well, then you'd better keep it away from Ross's hair. So this is pretty rare. How did you get that?
Chandler Bing: Oh, it wasn't a big deal. I just went to a couple of bookstores, talked to a couple of dealers... called a couple of the author's grandchildren.
Rachel Green: Oh, honey, that's so sweet.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, and what a great way to say, "I secretly love you, roommate's girlfriend!"
Chandler Bing: It doesn't say that. Does it?
Ross Geller: How do you think it's gonna look when you get her something incredibly meaningful and expensive and her boyfriend Joey gives her an orange?
Chandler Bing: Okay, all right, I'll just uh, make sure that uh, Joey gets her something really great.
Phoebe Buffay: It's gotta be better than that book. Oo! Like a crossbow!
Monica Geller: Yeah, once again, I am sorry. Thank you. Bye. I just had to turn down a job catering a funeral for sixty people.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! What happened?
Monica Geller: Sixty guests.
Ross Geller: So, uh, why did you have to turn it down?
Monica Geller: Because I don't have the money or the equipment to handle something that big on such short notice. I mean there's no way.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow, what is with all the negativity? You sound like Monican't , not Monican... ...Monica. Look, you know, you have been playing around with this catering thing for over three years. Do you want to be a caterer or not?
Monica Geller: I don't know.
Phoebe Buffay: There you go, that's the spirit! Okay! Now, if you need money, I will lend you money, but just get moving!
Monica Geller: Really? Cause I'd need like $500 for all the food and the supplies and stuff.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay! It's worth it, if it will get you moving. You haven't worked in months.
Monica Geller: Well, you're not working either.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, but I'm doing this.
Monica Geller: Yeah, that'd be great! Thank you!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Everyone: Hey.
Kathy: Can I borrow the keys to your apartment?
Joey Tribbiani: Why?
Joey Tribbiani: You can pee here!
Kathy: Ahahaha... haha.. yes I can, of course. Excuse me.
Chandler Bing: It's okay, the duck's using our bathroom anyway. Hey Joe! What are you getting Kathy for her birthday?
Joey Tribbiani: We've only been going out for a couple of weeks, do you think I gotta get her something?
Everyone: Yeah!
Rachel Green: Yes, you have to get her something, and it should be something really nice.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I know...
Rachel Green: And not one of your coupons for an hour of "Joey Love."
Phoebe Buffay: Ooo, a crossword! Can I help?
Rachel Green: No! I'm sorry, honey, it's just that last week I got all but three answers and I really want to finish a whole one without any help.
Phoebe Buffay: Fine. But you can't help me develop my new universal language.
Monica Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey, how'd it go?
Monica Geller: Oh my God, it was the best funeral ever! I mean, everyone loved the food, and guess what? I even got another funeral for tomorrow-the dead-guy-from-today's best friend. I mean, it is like I am the official caterer for that accident!
Phoebe Buffay: Mon! I'm so happy for you!
Monica Geller: Thanks. Like, check out my new catering stuff. Look at this! I'm an omelet station! Omelet? Made to order!
Phoebe Buffay: I'll have one, please. Plus my money.
Monica Geller: Oh. Well, I didn't realize that you needed it back right away. I mean, you told me to go and be a caterer. So I went. I beed. I mean, I... I used it to buy all this stuff. But look-I've got another job tomorrow, so I'll pay you back with the money I make from that.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Okay. Oo, sorry I acted like a bank.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Ross Geller: Huh...
Cheryl: Um, would you like to come in?
Ross Geller: Did homo-erectus hunt with wooden tools?
Cheryl: According to recent findings!
Cheryl: Here Mitzi! Here Mitzi!
Ross Geller: Mitzi is...
Cheryl: My hamster. I hope she's okay, I haven't seen her in a while. Have a seat.
Ross Geller: Uh... Oh hey, do you, uh ...do you have any, um, Cinnamon Fruit Toasties?
Cheryl: What?
Ross Geller: Well, I do! Why don't we go back to my place, light a couple of candles, break open a box of Cinnamon Fruit Toasties, uh...
Cheryl: I'd rather not.
Ross Geller: Oh, yeah, why not?
Cheryl: Okay, um, don't take this the wrong way, but your place kinda has a weird smell.
Monica Geller: Oh, is everything in the car?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes. Did you settle the bill?
Monica Geller: No. I hate this part.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, look what we almost left.
Monica Geller: No, that's not mine.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, all right. Oh! Look what we almost took!
Monica Geller: Excuse me, Mrs. Burkart? Well, we're all cleaned up in the kitchen.
Mrs. Burkart: Oh, good. Thank you.
Monica Geller: Um, and, well there's the.. the the small matter of...
Mrs. Burkart: Dear?
Monica Geller: Just the matter of ...payment?
Mrs. Burkart: Jack used to handle the finances!
Rachel Green: You know what we should all do? Go see a musical.
Chandler Bing: Sure...
Rachel Green: And you know which one we should see? The 1996 Tony award winner. Do you happen to know the name of that one?
Chandler Bing: I don't know... um, Grease?
Rachel Green: No...
Chandler Bing: Rent?
Rachel Green: Yes! Rent!
Chandler Bing: Okay, so when do you want to go?
Rachel Green: What? Oh, I'm sorry, I can't, I'm busy.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Man, it is so hard to shop for girls.
Chandler Bing: Yes, it is, at Office Max.
Rachel Green: What did you get her?
Chandler Bing: A pen.
Joey Tribbiani: It's two gifts in one. It's a pen that's also a clock! Huh?
Chandler Bing: Huh-huh! You can't give her that.
Joey Tribbiani: Why not?
Chandler Bing: Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah!
Rachel Green: Okay, honey, what he means by that, is ...while this is a very nice gift, maybe it's just not something a boyfriend gives?
Joey Tribbiani: Sure it is! She needs a pen for work, she's writing, she turns it over... "Whoa! It's time for my date with Joey!"
Chandler Bing: All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday?
Joey Tribbiani: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out.
Chandler Bing: For three years?
Joey Tribbiani: Look, it's too late, and I got an audition. I can't shop anymore! I...
Chandler Bing: All right. I will go out and I will try to find something for her, okay?
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks, man. And oh, while you're at it, could you get her a card?
Chandler Bing: Would you like me to write her a little poem as well?
Joey Tribbiani: Or... just get a card that has a poem already in it.
Phoebe Buffay: But Mon, you have to get our money!
Monica Geller: Oh, Phoebe, she couldn't stop crying! With those thick glasses, her tears looked giant.
Phoebe Buffay: I know, it's tough. You know what the first thing I did after my mother's funeral was?
Monica Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Pay the caterer! Look, I've had a lot of jobs, okay, and there are some people who just always try to get out of paying. It's either, you know, "that massage wasn't long enough, or, "I don't recognize any of those songs," or, you know, "these sombreros aren't big enough. Bad little white girl!"
Monica Geller: Okay. So what do you... you think she's faking?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, it seems like there weren't any tears 'til you showed her the bill.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, she sounded pretty upset to me.
Mrs. Burkart: You're a grand ol' flag, you're a high-flying flag, and forever in peace may you wave...
Phoebe Buffay: She seems fine now.
Mrs. Burkart: ...emblem of the land I love. The home of...
Joey Tribbiani: So, you just left? Her place was really that bad?
Ross Geller: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Well, like that, only instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived! Here.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow. Thanks. So, uh, what happened?
Ross Geller: What do you mean? Nothing happened! I had to get out of there.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, so... next time, you take her to your place.
Ross Geller: No, I tried that. She says it has a weird smell.
Joey Tribbiani: What kind of smell?
Ross Geller: I don't know. Soap?
Joey Tribbiani: All right, listen, Ross... you like this girl, right?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: You wanna see her again, right?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: So you're gonna have to do it in the mess!
Ross Geller: Yeah, okay you're right.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Ross Geller: I mean, uh, who... who cares about a little sloppiness?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!
Ross Geller: It's, uh... it's endearing, really.
Joey Tribbiani: All right! Now you go get that beautiful pig! Oink!
Chandler Bing: Okay, all right. I just spent the entire afternoon looking for a present for Kathy that would be better than the rabbit.
Rachel Green: Any luck?
Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I found this great place called "Invisible things for Kathy." Can you give me a hand with all this stuff?
Rachel Green: All right, look. Why don't you just return the book, let Joey give her the clock pen, and you give her something worse than that. Like... a regular pen.
Chandler Bing: She's really going to love this, you know? The bottom line is I want her to have it, even if I don't get to be the one who gives it to her.
Rachel Green: Aw, honey, that's so sweet.
Chandler Bing: Yeah? You don't think it's just pathetic?
Rachel Green: Oh! Pathetic!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! I'm meeting Kathy in ten minutes! I've been looking all over for you!
Chandler Bing: Where?
Joey Tribbiani: Our place, the hall! I...
Chandler Bing: I got something for her. It's a book!
Joey Tribbiani: A book? Is it like a book that's also a safe?
Chandler Bing: No, it's a book that's just a book, okay? It's an early edition of the Velveteen Rabbit. It was her favorite book as a kid. So, uh, just... let me know if she likes it, okay?
Joey Tribbiani: You got it. Thanks man. Thanks for doing this, I owe you one. Oh, hey! There wasn't any change from that twenty, was there?
Chandler Bing: No, it came out to an even twenty.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow. That's almost as much as a new book.
Mrs. Burkart: Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers? Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those eyes?
Phoebe Buffay: You didn't get the money, did you?
Monica Geller: Maybe I can try at intermission? Phoebe, come on... you know what? Let's just go!
Phoebe Buffay: No! Hey, we're not leaving until we get paid! I don't know who she thinks she is! Enough is enough! Hey, widow?
Mrs. Burkart: Come on along and listen to...
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, Widow!
Mrs. Burkart: ...the lullabye of...
Phoebe Buffay: Excuse me. Excuse me! Thanks. Um, clearly this is a very, very hard time for you. Um, but, um, we provided a service, and we deserve to be paid because you ate that service, and, um, we are not leaving here until we're paid every penny. 'Cause you know what, lady? We're part time caterers, and we have no place else to go.
Mrs. Burkart: All right. I'll get my bag.
Phoebe Buffay: Good.
Monica Geller: I'm gonna leave some cards here. Please think of us for you next event.
Cheryl: So you want to come inside?
Ross Geller: Yes. Yes I do.
Cheryl: I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable.
Cheryl: Guess who?
Ross Geller: Department of Sanitation?
Cheryl: It's me!
Ross Geller: Oh! Ah. Aw!
Cheryl: What?
Ross Geller: Ah, Cheryl!
Cheryl: Oh, Ross!
Cheryl: Wait! No! No! It's my hamster! It's Mitzi!
Ross Geller: Oh my god! I'm so sorry, Cheryl. I must have freaked out.
Cheryl: Oh, thank god, it's not Mitzi. It's just a rat.
Rachel Green: I did it! Oh! I finished it! I did it all by myself! And there's nobody to hug!
Gunther: Move!
Rachel Green: Hey! Hey, you guys, I finished the crossword all by myself! Hug me!
Phoebe Buffay: Uh... yay!
Rachel Green: Thanks!
Monica Geller: Oh, that's great! Congratulations!
Rachel Green: Thank you! Hey, how'd the catering go?
Monica Geller: Oh, it was great! The widow wouldn't pay, so Phoebe yelled at her 'til she did.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. I'm a hard ass.
Monica Geller: And I'm a wuss. And we should be partners.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Hard Ass and Wuss. We could fight crime!
Monica Geller: Wait a minute, Phoebe! We should be partners. We should be catering partners. I mean, think about it! You're not working right now, and we have such a great time together!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay!
Monica Geller: I can cook and you can take care of the money.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Oh! It'll be like I have a wife in the fifties!
Both: Aah!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey, how'd it go? How'd she like the gift?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, man, she loved it! She's over there showing Monica and Rachel right now.
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah? That's great!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, listen, I gotta tell ya, I feel kinda bad taking credit for this, because man, am I gonna get a lot of credit for this!
Chandler Bing: Aahhuuhhh...
Kathy: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey! Happy birthday.
Kathy: Thank you!
Joey Tribbiani: You know, uh... Chandler got you a gift, too.
Chandler Bing: No he didn't.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, he did, look... look, it's right there on the counter! Ha-ho-ho!
Chandler Bing: Happy birthday! I'm sorry.
Kathy: You really didn't have to. Wow.
Chandler Bing: See, you think it's just a pen, but then you turn it over and it's also a clock.
Kathy: Yeah. No, this is great. Thank you, Chandler. .
Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah... yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Ah. Hm. Wanna go to bed?
Kathy: I'll be in in a minute.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, uh... don't forget your coupon. .
Chandler Bing: Goodnight.
Kathy: Um, thank you for the gift.
Chandler Bing: Oh, uh, yeah... I just knew that sometimes when you're writing, you... you don't always know the exact time.
Kathy: No, I... I didn't mean the pen. Thank you for the book.
Chandler Bing: Uh, the book?
Kathy: The Velveteen Rabbit. I kinda have the feeling you had something to do with it.
Chandler Bing: What do you mean?
Kathy: Well, uh, when Joey gave it to me, he said, "This is 'cause I know ya like Rabbits, and I know ya like cheese." Thanks. I love it. And I know how hard it must have been for you to find.
Chandler Bing: Uhl..ell. By the way, in case you missed that, that sound was, "Uhl, ell."
Kathy: You must really like... Joey... to go to all that trouble for him.
Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah, he's my... he's my best friend.
Kathy: Well...
Chandler Bing: Goodnight.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, that coupon expires, you know.
Monica Geller: Hi. Uh, you... you don't know me, I'm Monica Geller... Ross's sister.
Cheryl: Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, that's too bad that didn't work out.
Monica Geller: Yeah. Anyway, he told me about your apartment. And, um, I couldn't sleep, thinking about it. So, uh, would it be okay if I cleaned it?
Monica Geller: No?