Joey Tribbiani: Alright, no peeking. No peeking, no peeking, no peeking.
Chandler Bing: Alright, alright, but you better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes.
Joey Tribbiani: Alright open your eyes.
Chandler Bing: Sweet mother of all that is good and pure.
Joey Tribbiani: Huh? Days of our Lives picked up my option.
Chandler Bing: Congratulations!
Joey Tribbiani: I know. chandler: Now we can finally watch Green Acres the way it was meant to be seen.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh-huh.
Chandler Bing: So uh, which one is mine?
Joey Tribbiani: Whichever one you want, man. Whichever one you want. Not that one.
Chandler Bing: Ohh yes.
Joey Tribbiani: Ohh yeah, that's the stuff.
Chandler Bing: Do we dare?
Joey Tribbiani: We dare.
Both: Aaahhhh. AAAAHHHHHH.
Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up.
Chandler Bing: Well they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild.
Ross Geller: This screen is amazing, I mean Dick Van Dyke is practically life-size.
Everyone: Woah!
Monica Geller: Rose Marie really belongs on a smaller screen, doesn't she?
Rachel Green: Hi you guys.
Everyone: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hey you.
Ross Geller: Hey you.
Rachel Green: So, uh, how was your day?
Ross Geller: Oh you know, pretty much the usual, uh, sun shining, birds chirping.
Rachel Green: Really? Mine too.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey cool, mine too.
Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get to the museum. So um, I'll see you tonight.
Rachel Green: OK.
Ross Geller: Bye guys.
Everyone: Bye.
Monica Geller: Tonight?
Monica Geller: What's tonight?
Rachel Green: It is our first official date. Our first date.
Monica Geller: Uh, hello.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Monica Geller: Tonight you're supposed to waitress for me, my catering thing, any of those words trigger anything for you?
Rachel Green: God, oh God Monica, I forgot. This is our first date.
Monica Geller: Yes but my mom got me this job.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, I can be a waitress, I can be a waitress.
Rachel Green: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. See Phoebe, Phoebe.
Monica Geller: Really Phoebs? Because, you know, you'd have to be an actual waitress. This can't be like your 'I can be a bear cub' thing.
Phoebe Buffay: I can be a waitress. OK watch this. Um, gimme two number ones, 86 the bacon, one Adam and Eve on a raft and rick'em, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.
Phoebe Buffay: It's James Bond.
Monica Geller: Sorry we're late.
Richard Burke: Ah, that's OK, come on in. Um, I'm sorry, is Monica Geller coming? I was told she was.
Monica Geller: Dr. Burke, it, it's me.
Richard Burke: Monica? My God you used to be so. . . I mean you, you, you, you must have lost like. . . You look great.
Monica Geller: Thank you. This is my friend Phoebe. She's gonna be helping me tonight.
Richard Burke: Hi Phoebe, nice to meet you. So, how ya been?
Monica Geller: I've been great, just great. How have you been?
Richard Burke: Oh, well obviously you know Barbara and I split up, otherwise you wouldn't have done the head tilt.
Monica Geller: The head tilt?
Richard Burke: Yeah, since the divorce, when anybody asks me how I am, it's always with a sympathetic head tilt. 'How ya doin'? You OK?'
Monica Geller: I'm sorry.
Richard Burke: No no, it, it's fine, believe me. I do it too. I always answer with the 'I'm OK' head bob. 'I'm OK.' 'You sure?' 'Yeah, I'm fine.' Hey listen, I've got to set up the music. I got a new CD changer, of course the divorce only left me with 4 CD's to change.
Monica Geller: Oh, that's too bad.
Richard Burke: I'll survive.
Chandler Bing: Uh, two larges, extra cheese on both. But listen, don't ring the buzzer for 19, ring 20, Geller-Green, they'll let you in, OK. If you buzz our door, there's no tip for you. OK, thanks. Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up.
Joey Tribbiani: What if we have to pee?
Chandler Bing: I'll cancel the sodas.
Monica Geller: You've got to get back out there, it's your party.
Richard Burke: But they're so dull, they're all opthamologists.
Monica Geller: You're an opthamologist.
Richard Burke: Only because my parents wanted me to be, I wanted to be a sherrif.
Phoebe Buffay: That's funny, no. Cadillac, cataract, I get it, no I get it, you stay out there.
Richard Burke: See.
Monica Geller: Alright, I'll tell you what. I'll come get you in 5 minutes with some sort of um, kabob emergency.
Richard Burke: OK. You better. Oh God, here we go. Hey wanna see 'em go nuts? Watch this. Who needs glasses?
Phoebe Buffay: You are so smitten.
Monica Geller: I am not.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you are so much the smitten kitten. You should ask him out.
Monica Geller: Dr. Burke? I don't think so. I mean, like, he's a grown up.
Phoebe Buffay: So. You two are totally into each other.
Monica Geller: Phoebe, he's a friend of my parents. He's like 20 years older than me.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, so what, you're just never gonna see him again?
Monica Geller: Not never. I mean, I'm gonna see him tomorrow at my eye appointment.
Phoebe Buffay: Didn't you like, just get your eyes checked?
Monica Geller: Well yeah, but, you know, uh, 27 is a dangerous eye age.
Rachel Green: C'mon, I'm not saying it was a bad movie, I'm just saying, you know, it was a little. . . hard to follow.
Ross Geller: I told you there was going to be sub-titles.
Rachel Green: I know, I just didn't want to wear my glasses on my first date.
Rachel Green: Monica.
Ross Geller: It would really help when I'm kissing you if you didn't shout out my sister's name.
Rachel Green: Honey, I'm just checking.
Ross Geller: Oh.
Rachel Green: Monica.
Ross Geller: Mon.
Rachel Green: Monica.
Ross Geller: Mon.
Ross Geller: What, what.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry, it's just that when you moved your hands down to my butt, it was like woah, Ross's hands are on my butt. Sorry.
Ross Geller: And that's, that's funny why?
Rachel Green: Well it's not, honey I'm sorry, I guess I'm just nervous. I mean, it's you, ya know, it's us. I mean, we're crossing that line, sort of a big thing.
Ross Geller: I, I know it's big, I just didn't know it was uh, ha-ha big.
Rachel Green: OK.
Ross Geller: OK, my hands were no where near your butt.
Rachel Green: I know, I know, I know, I know. I was just thinking about when they were there the last time, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, OK, look, woah, I promise, I'm good, I'm not gonna laugh anymore. OK put your hands back there.
Ross Geller: No see now, now I can't because uh, I'm feeling too self conscious.
Rachel Green: Just one cheek.
Ross Geller: Nuh, uh, the moment's gone.
Rachel Green: Alright, just put your hands out and I'll back up into them.
Ross Geller: That's romantic.
Rachel Green: C'mon touch it.
Ross Geller: No.
Rachel Green: Oh, come on squeeze it.
Ross Geller: No.
Rachel Green: Rub it.
Ross Geller: No.
Rachel Green: Oh, come on, would you just grab my ass.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow, look at that. The car is on fire, yet somehow it's expensive paint job is protected by the Miracle Wax.
Chandler Bing: You got a Cheeto on your face man.
Joey Tribbiani: Hi.
Joey Tribbiani: What're you doin' here? Aren't you supposed to be out with Rachel?
Ross Geller: That was 14 hours ago.
Chandler Bing: So how'd it go?
Ross Geller: Oh. Listen, have you ever been uh, you know, foolin' around with a girl and uh, she started laughin'?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my flock of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin.
Joey Tribbiani: She laughed at you?
Ross Geller: Yeah. I don't know, I've been wanting this since like ninth grade typing, ya know. And I just want it to be perfect and right and. . . why isn't that laser beam cutting through the paint?
Chandler Bing: It's the Miracle Wax.
Joey Tribbiani: It certainly is a miracle.
Rachel Green: Hi you guys.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hi. Listen, I was um, thinkin' about. . .
Chandler Bing: Listen can you guys uh, speak up, it's harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice.
Rachel Green: OK, listen, I'm sorry about last night and I really want to make it up to you.
Ross Geller: No, you, ya know there's no need to make it u. . . how?
Rachel Green: Well, I was thinking maybe a um, a romantic dinner with um, candles and wine and then uh, maybe going back to my place for um, dessert.
Ross Geller: Humm, that sounds, I don't, perfect.
Rachel Green: What's this.
Chandler Bing: Could you get us a couple of beers?
Richard Burke: I'm going to look into your eyes now.
Monica Geller: Really.
Richard Burke: Yeah, that's my job. Alright, look up. . . look down, now open your eyes, now look down. That's right, look into the light. Now look at me. . . OK. Your eyes look good. Those are good eyes.
Monica Geller: Good, they feel good, in my head.
Richard Burke: So, it's great to see ya.
Monica Geller: You too.
Richard Burke: You too.
Monica Geller: OK, um. Goodbye.
Richard Burke: Drops!
Monica Geller: What?
Richard Burke: Drops. Here, they're free.
Monica Geller: Thanks. So, I guess I better be going.
Richard Burke: Oh, OK, yeah. I'll see ya later.
Monica Geller: Thanks again.
Phoebe Buffay: We have got to get you lazy boys out of these chairs.
Phoebe Buffay: You know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people.
Joey Tribbiani: No, inside good, outside bad.
Phoebe Buffay: You guys are so pathetic, I, oh, OH, XANADU! OH.
Chandler Bing: She's one of us now.
Rachel Green: Hi you guys.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Ross Geller: Well we just wanted to stop by and uh, say goodnight.
Ross Geller: Look at that, they won't even turn their heads.
Rachel Green: Alright you guys, I'm takin' off my shirt.
Joey Tribbiani: Naa, she's lyin'.
Monica Geller: Stop sending food to our apartment.
Ross Geller: Well, why're you all dressed up?
Phoebe Buffay: You're not the only one who has a date tonight.
Ross Geller: What? You have a date? Who with?
Monica Geller: No one.
Ross Geller: C'mon, what's his name?
Monica Geller: Nothing.
Ross Geller: Come on, tell me.
Monica Geller: Alright, but I'm very excited about this OK, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.
Ross Geller: Oh, I promise, what.
Monica Geller: It's Richard Burke.
Ross Geller: Who's Richard Burke? Doc, Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a uh, brother to dad.
Monica Geller: Well for your information he happens to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated, sexiest men I've ever been with.
Ross Geller: Doctor Burke is sexy?
Ross Geller: It's the museum again, can I, oh.
Rachel Green: Ya know, Dr. Burke kissed me once.
Monica Geller: When?
Rachel Green: When I was um, 7, I crashed my bike right out in front of his house and to stop me from crying he kissed me right here.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh you are so lucky.
Rachel Green: I know.
Ross Geller: Woah, woah, woah australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No. No. No, n, homo-habilus was erect, australopithicus was never fully erect.
Chandler Bing: Well maybe he was nervous.
Ross Geller: Oh look, I can't believe this. Look, homo-habilus hasn't even learned how to use tools yet and they've got him here wi, with clay pots. Why don't, why don't they just give him a microwave? I'm sorry, I'm sorry this is taking so long, ya know, I, I, it's just it's longer than I expected, we will have dinner.
Rachel Green: It's OK, it's fine.
Ross Geller: KARL!
Monica Geller: Wow, is that Michelle?
Richard Burke: Yep.
Monica Geller: I've not seen her since high school graduation. Oh my God, that night she got so dru. . . motional.
Richard Burke: Ya know, she's having another baby.
Monica Geller: I thought she just had one.
Richard Burke: No no. Henry's almost two and he's talking and everyting. Here. You know, the other day he told me he liked me better than his other grandpa. Now in all fairness his other grandpa's a drunk but still. . .
Monica Geller: Oh, you're a grandpa.
Richard Burke: Yeah. Are we nuts here?
Monica Geller: I don't know, maybe. I mean I'm dating a man who's pool I once peed in.
Richard Burke: I didn't need to know that. I guess 21 years is a lot. I mean, hell, I'm a whole person who can drink older than you.
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Richard Burke: So.
Monica Geller: So maybe we should just. . .
Richard Burke: Yeah, yeah, maybe.
Monica Geller: Wow, this really sucks.
Richard Burke: Yeah, it sure does.
Monica Geller: Well, we don't really have to decide anything right now, do we?
Richard Burke: No, no, there's no rush or anything.
Delivery Guy: Pizza delivery.
Monica Geller: Oh, I'm gonna kill those guys.
Ross Geller: Rach.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Ross Geller: I'm done.
Rachel Green: Yeah well, you know what, so is uh, Sorentino's.
Ross Geller: Wha, OK, I'm sorry, let's uh, why don't we find someplace else.
Rachel Green: No, you know what, it's late, everything's gonna be closed. Why don't we just do it another night?
Ross Geller: No, no, we won't.
Rachel Green: We won't?
Ross Geller: C'mon.
Rachel Green: OK, that's dead right?
Rachel Green: What is this? What are we doing?
Ross Geller: Shh. Do you want cran-apple or cran-grape?
Rachel Green: Grape.
Ross Geller: OK, now, sit. OK.
Rachel Green: Oh, God.
Ross Geller: Sorry.
Rachel Green: Ah, so what are we looking at?
Ross Geller: Well uh, you see that, that little cluster of stars next to the big one? That is Ursa Major.
Rachel Green: Really?
Ross Geller: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight.
Rachel Green: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight.
Ross Geller: You're not laughing.
Rachel Green: This time it's not so funny.
Rachel Green: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK.
Ross Geller: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box.
Rachel Green: Oh, thank God.
Ross Geller: Hi.
Rachel Green: Hi you. I can't believe I'm waking up next to you.
Ross Geller: I know it is pretty unbelievaaaaah.
Rachel Green: What?
Ross Geller: We're not alone.
Joey Tribbiani: Is that the fire alarm?
Chandler Bing: Yeah. Oh it's not warm yet, we still have time.
Joey Tribbiani: Cool.


Joey Tribbiani: Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat?
Chandler Bing: That's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.
Chandler Bing: Waaa-aaah.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Chandler Bing: The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, so.
Chandler Bing: Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. You used my toothbrush?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, that was only 'cause I used the red one to unclog the drain.
Chandler Bing: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?
Chandler Bing: Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.
Joey Tribbiani: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, look at you fancy lads. What's the occasion?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, you know that guy that's on my show that's in a coma? He's havin' a brunch.
Phoebe Buffay: Ahh.
Rachel Green: OK, ready when you are.
Phoebe Buffay: Okey-doke.
Monica Geller: I can't believe you guys are actually getting tattoos.
Chandler Bing: Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos?
Rachel Green: Yes, but you can not tell Ross 'cause I want to surprise him.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow, this is wild. What're you gonna get?
Phoebe Buffay: Um, I'm getting a lily for my Mom. 'Cause her name's Lily.
Chandler Bing: Wow, that's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?
Joey Tribbiani: So where you gettin' it?
Phoebe Buffay: I think on my shoulder.
Ross Geller: What? What's on your shoulder?
Phoebe Buffay: Um, a chip. A tattoo, I'm getting a tattoo.
Ross Geller: A tattoo? Why, why would you want to do that? Hi.
Rachel Green: Hi. Well hey, you don't - you don't think they're kind of cool?
Ross Geller: No, sorry I don't. Tell me why would anyone pay someone to scar their body for life? What if it doesn't come out right Phoebe? Then it's like, I don't know, havin' a bad hair cut all the time. Why's everyone staring at me?
Monica Geller: Ross, come sign this birthday card for dad. Rich is gonna be here any minute.
Chandler Bing: Oooh, Rich is goin' to the party too, huh?
Monica Geller: Well, he's my parents' best friend, he has to be there.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, is today the day you're gonna tell them about you two?
Monica Geller: Yeah. It's my dad's birthday, I decided to give him a stroke.
Phoebe Buffay: No, I think you should tell them.
Monica Geller: No, I don't even know how serious he is about me. Until I do, I'm not telling them anything.
Ross Geller: I don't know, I don't think mom and dad would mind. Remember when you were 9 and Richard was 30, how dad used to say, 'God I hope they get together.'
Ross Geller: Alright, shall we?
Monica Geller: OK, wait, wait, wait, wait. You know what? Ross, let's - let's switch places. You get in the middle. No un-, ya know, unless this looks like we're trying to cover something up.
Ross Geller: Monica, Monica, you could come in straddling him, they still wouldn't believe it. We're here.
Judy Geller: Oh hi kids. Hi darling.
Monica Geller: Happy birthday dad.
Ross Geller: Oh thank you.
Ross Geller: Hi ma.
Richard Burke: Happy birthday.
Judy Geller: Well, you kids thank Dr. Burke for the ride?
Ross Geller: Uh, actually mom, I think Monica thanked him for the both of us.
Friend: Well, you kids take the train in?
Judy Geller: No, Richard Burke gave them a ride.
Friend: Oh. Speaking of whom, I hear he's got some 20-year-old twinkie in the city.
Monica Geller: Finger cramp. Oh God, sorry. Here, let me get that mom.
Judy Geller: Sooo, Richard's shopping in the junior section.
Monica Geller: Are we still on that?
Judy Geller: We just know she's got the IQ of a napkin.
Friend: She's probably not even very pretty, just young enough so that everything is still pointing up.
Joey Tribbiani: Can you believe this place?
Chandler Bing: I know, this is a great apartment.
Joey Tribbiani: Ah, I was just in the bathroom, and there's mirrors on both sides of you. So when you're in there it's like you're peein' with the Rockettes.
Chandler Bing: Wow, there's my fantasy come true. No, seriously.
Joey's Co-Star: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! We were just sayin', great apartment man.
Joey's Co-Star: Thanks. You want it?
Joey Tribbiani: Huh?
Joey's Co-Star: Yeah, I'm movin' to a bigger place. You should definitely take this one.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, can you see me in a place like this?
Joey's Co-Star: Why not? You hate park views and high ceilings? C'mon I'll show you the kitchen.
Chandler Bing: Oh that's all right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning - on TV. Stop talking. OK.
Ross Geller: C'mon, tell us.
Friend: Yeah, is she really 20.
Richard Burke: I am not telling you guys anything.
Ross Geller: C'mon Rich, it's my birthday, let me live vicariously.
Ross Geller: Dad, you really don't want to do that.
Ross Geller: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?
Richard Burke: Jack, would you let it go?
Ross Geller: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got the Porsche. You... you got your own little speedster.
Richard Burke: Guys. Seriously, it is not like that.
Ross Geller: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou. . .
Ross Geller: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.
Ross Geller: What? I'm kidding. You know I'd never let him touch the Porsche.
Phoebe Buffay: OK Rach, which, which lily? This lily or that lily?
Rachel Green: Well I. . .
Phoebe Buffay: I like this lily. It's more open, ya know, and that's like my mom. She had a more open, giving spirit. Ooh, Foghorn Leghorn, ooh.
Tattoo Artist: Alright, blonde girl, you're in room two, not so blonde girl, you're with me.
Phoebe Buffay: Here we go.
Rachel Green: Uh-huh.
Phoebe Buffay: You're not going?
Rachel Green: Uh-huh.
Phoebe Buffay: What? Is it - is this 'cause of what Ross said?
Rachel Green: No. Well, yeah, maybe.
Phoebe Buffay: I don't believe this. Is this how this relationship's gonna work? Ross equals boss. I mean, c'mon what is this, 1922?
Rachel Green: What's 1922?
Phoebe Buffay: Just, you know, long time ago. Well, when men used to tell women what to do - a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing but is sounds horrible. Do you want to get this tattoo?
Rachel Green: Yes I do, it's just that Ross is. . .
Phoebe Buffay: OK, hey, HEY. Is your boyfriend the boss of you?
Rachel Green: No.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, who is the boss of you?!!
Rachel Green: You?
Phoebe Buffay: No. You are the boss of you. Now you march your heinie in there and get that heart tattooed on your hip. GO!!
Richard Burke: How ya doin'?
Monica Geller: I'm a twinkie.
Richard Burke: Really? I'm a hero.
Monica Geller: Oh, this is so hard.
Richard Burke: Yeah, I know. I hate it too. Look, maybe we should just tell them.
Monica Geller: Maybe we should just tell your parents first.
Richard Burke: My parents are dead.
Monica Geller: God, you are so lucky. I mean, I mean. . . you know what I mean.
Richard Burke: I know, I know. Just hang in there, OK. OK, I'll go out first, alright.
Monica Geller: Alright.
Richard Burke: Judy, going to the bathroom, good for you.
Judy Geller: Thank you Richard, I appreciate the support.
Ross Geller: Honey. Honey, have you seen my Harmon Kilerbrew bat? Bob doesn't believe I have one.
Judy Geller: I have no idea. Did you know Richard has a twinkie in the city?
Ross Geller: I know. He's like a new man. It's like a scene from Cocoon.
Judy Geller: I just never would have pictured Richard with a bimbo.
Ross Geller: Apparently, he told Johnny Shapiro that she's quite a girl. In fact, he told Johnny that he thinks he's falling in love with her.
Judy Geller: Really.
Ross Geller: I tell you, I've never seen him this happy.
Judy Geller: So Jack, you ever think about trading me in for a younger model?
Ross Geller: Of course not. With you it's like I've got two 25-year-olds.
Judy Geller: Oh Jack stop.
Ross Geller: C'mon, it's my birthday.
Joey Tribbiani: Can we drop this? I am not interested in the guy's apartment.
Chandler Bing: Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his mouldings. You want it.
Joey Tribbiani: Why would I want another apartment, huh? I've already got an apartment that I love.
Chandler Bing: Well it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while.
Joey Tribbiani: Alright, you want the truth? I'm thinkin' about it.
Chandler Bing: What?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry. I'm 28 years old, I've never lived alone, and I'm finally at a place where I've got enough money that I don't need a roommate anymore.
Chandler Bing: Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.
Joey Tribbiani: What're you gettin' so bent out of shape for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie.
Chandler Bing: Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.
Joey Tribbiani: Well that's how I feel.
Chandler Bing: Well then maybe you should take it.
Joey Tribbiani: Well then maybe I will.
Chandler Bing: Fine with me.
Joey Tribbiani: Great. Then you'll be able to spend more quality time with your real friends, the spoons.
Ross Geller: Who's drink can I freshen?
Judy Geller: Almost time for cake.
Ross Geller: Mon, Mon, are you OK?
Monica Geller: You remember that video I found of mom and dad?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Monica Geller: Well, I just caught the live show.
Ross Geller: Eww.
Monica Geller: Hey there.
Richard Burke: What?
Monica Geller: Nothing, I just heard something nice about you.
Richard Burke: Humm, really?
Judy Geller: Richard. Richard. Your son isn't seeing anyone is he?
Richard Burke: Uhh, not that I know of.
Judy Geller: Well, I was thinking, why doesn't he give Monica a call?
Richard Burke: That - that's an idea.
Monica Geller: Well, actually, I'm already seeing someone.
Judy Geller: Oh?
Richard Burke: Oh?
Ross Geller: Ohh.
Judy Geller: She never tells us anything. Ross, did you know Monica's seeing someone?
Ross Geller: Mom, there are so many people in my life. Some of them are seeing people and some of them aren't. Is that crystal?
Judy Geller: So, who's the mystery man?
Monica Geller: Well, uh, he's a doctor.
Judy Geller: A real doctor?
Monica Geller: No, a doctor of meat. Of course he's a real doctor. And he's handsome, and he's sweet, and know you'd like him.
Judy Geller: Well that's wonderful. . . I
Monica Geller: Mom, it's OK.
Richard Burke: It is Judy.
Judy Geller: Jack. Could you come in here for a moment? NOW!
Ross Geller: Found it.
Ross Geller: I'll take that dad.
Judy Geller: It seems your daughter and Richard are something of an item.
Ross Geller: That's impossible, he's got a twinkie in the city.
Monica Geller: Dad, I'm the twinkie.
Ross Geller: You're the twinkie?
Richard Burke: She's not a twinkie.
Monica Geller: Al-alright, l-look you guys, this is the best relationship I've been in. . .
Judy Geller: Oh please, a relationship.
Monica Geller: Yes, a relationship. For your information I am crazy about this man.
Richard Burke: Really?
Monica Geller: Yes.
Ross Geller: Am I supposed to stand here and listen to this on my birthday?
Monica Geller: Dad, dad this is a good thing for me. Ya know, and you even said yourself, you've never seen Richard happier.
Ross Geller: When did I say that?
Monica Geller: Upstairs in the bathroom right before you felt up mom.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh that looks so good, oh I love it.
Rachel Green: I know, so do I. Oh Phoebe, I'm so glad you made me do this. OK, lemme se yours.
Phoebe Buffay: Ahh. OK, let's see yours again.
Rachel Green: Phoebe we just saw mine, let me see yours.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh OK. Oh no, oh it's gone, that's so weird, I don't know how-where it went.
Rachel Green: You didn't get it?
Phoebe Buffay: No.
Rachel Green: Why didn't you get it?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Rachel Green: Phoebe, how would you do this to me? This was all your idea.
Phoebe Buffay: I know, I know, and I was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles?
Rachel Green: Really? You don't say, because mine was licked on by kittens.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey listen, I'm sorry about what happened. . .
Chandler Bing: Yeah me too.
Joey Tribbiani: I know. Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Yeah. So do we need to hug here or. . .
Joey Tribbiani: No, we're alright.
Chandler Bing: So I got ya something.
Joey Tribbiani: Plastic spoons. Great.
Chandler Bing: Lick away my man.
Joey Tribbiani: These'll go great in my new place. You know, 'till I get real ones.
Chandler Bing: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I can't use these forever. I mean, let's face it, they're no friend to the environment.
Chandler Bing: No-no, I mean what, what's this about your new place?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm movin' out like we talked about.
Chandler Bing: Well I didn't think that was serious. Ya know I thought that was just a fight.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, it was a fight. . . based on serious stuff, remember. About how I never lived alone or anything. I just think it would be good for me, ya know, help me to grow or. . . whatever.
Chandler Bing: Well, there you go.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, are you cool with this. I mean, I don't want to leave you high and dry.
Chandler Bing: Hey, no, I've never been lower or wetter. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game room or somethin', you know, put the foosball table in there.
Joey Tribbiani: Woah. Why do you get to keep the table?
Chandler Bing: I did pay for half of it.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. And uh, I paid for the other half.
Chandler Bing: Alright I'll tell you what, I'll play you for it.
Joey Tribbiani: Alright, you're on. I can take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass.
Chandler Bing: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister.
Joey Tribbiani: Woah, woah, woah, woah. Which sister?
Monica Geller: So, are you sorry that I told them?
Richard Burke: No, it's been a long time since your dad and I went running.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Monica Geller: Oh. Well did you get it? Let me see.
Rachel Green: Is Ross here?
Monica Geller: No he went out to get pizza.
Rachel Green: Oh really, OK.
Monica Geller: That's great.
Richard Burke: Very tasteful.
Phoebe Buffay: Wanna see mine, wanna see mine?
Monica Geller: Yes.
Rachel Green: What? You didn't get one.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, well then what is this?
Richard Burke: What're we looking at? That blue freckle?
Phoebe Buffay: OK, that's my tattoo.
Rachel Green: That is not a tattoo, that is a nothing. I finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched her with a needle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it.
Phoebe Buffay: OK, hi. For your information this is exactly what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great distance. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven.
Rachel Green: Oh, what a load of crap. That is a dot. Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?' OK, Phoebe, that is not a tattoo, this is a tattoo.
Ross Geller: You got a tattoo?
Rachel Green: Maybe. But just a little one. Phoebe got the whole world.
Ross Geller: Lemme see.
Rachel Green: Well?
Ross Geller: Well it's really. . . sexy. I wouldn't have thought it would be but. . . wow.
Rachel Green: Really?
Ross Geller: Yeah, so uh, is it sore or can you do stuff?
Rachel Green: I guess.
Ross Geller: Hey, save us some pizza.
Joey Tribbiani: Get out of the corner. Pass it, pass it.
Chandler Bing: Stop talkin' to your men.
Joey Tribbiani: Yes! And the table is mine.
Chandler Bing: Congratulations.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you guys are still gonna come visit me, right?
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, you got the big TV. We'll be over there all the time. . . except when we are here.
Phoebe Buffay: I know you're just moving uptown but I'm really gonna miss you.
Monica Geller: I know, how can you not be accross the hall anymore.
Rachel Green: Yeah, who's gonna eat all our food, and tie up our phone lines, and - is that my bra? What the hell you doin' with my bra?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh no-no, it's uh, it's not what you think. We uh, we used it to, you know, fling water balloons off the roof. Remember that, those junior high kids couldn't even get theirs accross the street.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I remember.
Ross Geller: Hey, let's bring the rest of these down to the truck.
Chandler Bing: So, uhh, em, you want me to uh, give you a hand with the foosball table?
Joey Tribbiani: Naa, you keep it, you need the practice.
Chandler Bing: Thanks.
Joey Tribbiani: So, I guess this is it.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, right, yeah, I guess so.
Joey Tribbiani: Listen, uh, I don't know when I'm gonna see you again.
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house.
Joey Tribbiani: Right, yeah. OK. Um, take care.
Chandler Bing: Yeah.


Joey Tribbiani: Huh? So whaddya think? Casa de Joey. Huh? I decorated it myself.
Ross Geller: Get out.
Everyone: No.
Monica Geller: Wow Joey, this is, uhh...
Joey Tribbiani: Art.
Monica Geller: Art it is.
Ross Geller: Look, check this out. Is it a coffee table, is it a panther? There's no need to decide.
Rachel Green: Hey, nice pillow. So now tell me, is this genuine Muppet skin?
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, excellent, excellent water-table thing.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks, yeah. I love this but ya know what, it makes me wanna pee.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, well me too, yeah. I think that's the challenge.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, how come, uhh, Chandler didn't come?
Ross Geller: Well uh, it's cause he had a thing with, wi-, with the thing.
Joey Tribbiani: Right, I go-, I got it.
Phoebe Buffay: So why don't ya show us the rest of your casa?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Uh, oh, OH, the best part, c'mon. Heh?
Rachel Green: Hey, nice toilet.
Joey Tribbiani: No no no, behind it.
Ross Geller: Wha-, you have a phone in here?
Joey Tribbiani: That's right, I have a phone in here.
Monica Geller: Joey, promise me something.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Monica Geller: Never call me from that phone.
Rachel Green: OK, here we go. Honey, I'm sorry, they were all out of apple pie, someone just got the last piece.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. You are not gonna believe this. I have just been discovered.
Chandler Bing: Now wait a minute, I claimed you in the name of France four years ago.
Phoebe Buffay: Anyway, OK, now promise you won't like, freak out and say how great this is until I'm done, OK.
Everyone: OK.
Phoebe Buffay: OK. I just met this producer of this like, teeny record company, who said that I have a very fresh, offbeat sound and she wants to do a demo of Smelly Cat.
Everyone:
Phoebe Buffay: I told you not to do that yet. And, she wants to do a video.
Everyone:
Phoebe Buffay: I'm not done yet, OK. God. OK, if that goes well, they may even want to make an album.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm done now.
Everyone:
Rachel Green: Oh God. Ross, OK, if you care about me at all, you will get the pie out of the man's hood.
Ross Geller: Get the what?
Rachel Green: Pie in the hood, pie in the hood. Go.
Guy: What're you doing?
Ross Geller: I'm sorry, my pie was, was in your hood. Now I just have to get the coffee out of that guy's pants and I'll be back in the hospital by 7.
Monica Geller: Damnit Ross, get your butt out of the bathroom.
Ross Geller: Calm down, I'm blow drying.
Monica Geller: Blow drying what, you have no hair.
Rachel Green: What's goin' on?
Monica Geller: Your boyfriend has been in there for over an hour. I can't believe it, it's like I'm living with him again. He's here when I go to sleep, he's here when I wake up, he's here when I want to use the shower, ughh. It's like I'm sixteen all over again .
Rachel Green: Well, you're not sixteen, you're both adults now.
Monica Geller: GET OUT YOU DUFUS!!
Rachel Green: Or ya know, he's rubber and you're glue.
Ross Geller: All yours.
Monica Geller: I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.
Ross Geller: I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.
Monica Geller: Shut up.
Ross Geller: Shut up.
Monica Geller: Cut it out.
Ross Geller: Mi-mi-mii.
Rachel Green: I've never wanted you more.
Chandler Bing: So, whaddya say boys, should I call him? Well, ya know what they say. Ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.
Joey Tribbiani: Hello.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Listen, I'm, I'm sorry I didn't make it over there today.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, that's OK. You uh, you had a thing.
Chandler Bing: Yeah well, I hear the place looks great.
Joey Tribbiani: Ahh, forget about it, I'm havin' a ball. How's the apartment doin'
Chandler Bing: Oh hey, it's, it's terriffic. I mean it's a regular space... fest.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, well great.
Chandler Bing: Yeah I just... wanted to call and say hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Well OK then. Was that the oven timer?
Chandler Bing: That's right my friend. It's time for...
Both: Baywatch!!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, can you believe they gave Stephanie skin cancer?
Chandler Bing: I still can't believe they promoted her to lieutenant.
Joey Tribbiani: Naa, you're just sayin' that 'cause you're in love with Yasmine Blepe.
Chandler Bing: Well, how could anyone not be in love with Yasmine Blepe?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, they're runnin'
Chandler Bing: See, this is the brilliance of the show. I say always keep them running. All the time, running. Run. Run Yasmine, run like the wind.
Monica Geller: But I thought you wanted to live by yourself.
Joey Tribbiani: I did. I thought it'd be great. I figured I'd have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya know, it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.
Phoebe Buffay: Joey, why don't you talk to Chandler about moving back?
Joey Tribbiani: You really think he'd take me? I mean, we had a pretty good talk last night but, when I moved out, I hurt him bad.
Monica Geller: I promise you, he would definitely want you back.
Ross Geller: I'm telling you, there's no way he's moving back.
Chandler Bing: But we had one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was like when we first started living together.
Ross Geller: Look, I know you don't want to hear this right now but, we've seen him in his new place, alright. And he's happy, he's, he's decorated.
Rachel Green: Look, Chandler, he has moved on, OK, you have to too.
Chandler Bing: But...
Ross Geller: No. You're just gonna have to accept the fact that you're just friends now, OK, you're not... rommmates anymore.
Producer: OK Phoebe, you ready to try one?
Phoebe Buffay: OK. Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat Oh woah, oh my God. I mean like, who was that?
Producer: They're your backup singers... beind you.
Phoebe Buffay: OH!! Oh I thought they were just watching me. You know, like at, like at an aquarium, ya know.
Producer: Alrighty. From the top.
Phoebe Buffay: OK. Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat OK, sorry. I'm just, I'm just not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this cat acually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, 'cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat.
Producer: Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. It's just that it's costing about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh OK. So, um, the cat stinks but you love it, let's go.
Ross Geller: No, there is no way he was a velociraptor. No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was a velociraptor, he would have eaten the Flintstones. Yeah, yeah. Oh, were you takin' a nap?
Monica Geller: I was.
Ross Geller: Oh I-, Oh wait, Tony can you hang on? That's the other line. Hello. Oh yeah she's here but uh, can she call you back? OK thanks. Call Joanna. Hi.
Monica Geller: Did she leave a number?
Ross Geller: Did you see me write one down?
Monica Geller: I don't have her number, butt-munch.
Ross Geller: Well, she'll call back, don't be such a baby.
Monica Geller: I'm not a baby, you're the baby.
Ross Geller: Look, you wanna get off my back?
Monica Geller: You wanna get out of my face?
Ross Geller: Wait hold on Tony, hold on. Hello. Hi, yeah no, she's right here. Um hold on. Hi Tony, can I call you back? That's uh, that's my sister's boyfriend.
Monica Geller: Give me that.
Ross Geller: OK.
Monica Geller: Hi sweetie, look before I forget, did I leave my diaphram at your place? Hi mom.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Chandler Bing: So uhh, how's the palace?
Joey Tribbiani: You know it's funny you should mention that 'cause I was thinkin'... what's with the boxes?
Chandler Bing: Oh, uhh, actually I uh, have some news.
Eddie Menuek: Hey Chan, is that Joey guy gonna come by and pick up his moose hat or should I just toss it out?
Chandler Bing: Well, uh, why don't you ask him yourself. Joey, this is my new roommate Eddie.
Eddie Menuek: Nice to meet ya.
Joey Tribbiani: Likewise. Uh, I'll take that. It's what I came for. So, this is new. Where'd you two meet?
Eddie Menuek: At the uh, supermarket, in the uh, ethnic food section. I helped him pick out a chorizo.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow.
Chandler Bing: Well you know, we got to talking and uh, he said he needed a place and I had a spare room.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, now it's a spare room?
Chandler Bing: Well yeah, in that it's not being used and I... have it to spare.
Joey Tribbiani: Well I uh, got what I came for. I'll uh, I'll see you guys.
Chandler Bing: Hey Jo. When'd you start usin' mousse in your hair?
Eddie Menuek: Is this guy great or what?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, yeah he is.
Monica Geller: I can't believe he has a new roommate. Who is this guy?
Ross Geller: Uh, Eddie something. He just met him.
Rachel Green: It'll never last, he's just a rebound roommate.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Everyone: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, check it out, oh check it out. It's Smelly Cat the video.
Everyone:
Phoebe Buffay: Now OK, I haven't seen it yet so, if you don't like it, well, so what, none of you ever made a video. OK.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God.
Ross Geller: I know.
Phoebe Buffay: I sound amazing. I, I, I've never heard myself sing before. I mean, except in my own head. Oh, this is so cool, now I can hear what you hear.
Rachel Green: Pretty uhm, different huh?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I am sorry but I am incredibly talented.
Eddie Menuek: Hi Joey, what's goin' on man?
Joey Tribbiani: Eddie.
Chandler Bing: Morning.
Joey Tribbiani: Morning. I just uh, came by to pick up my mail. Where's the mail?
Chandler Bing: Oh it's uh, over there on the table.
Joey Tribbiani: You don't keep it over here on this table any more?
Chandler Bing: No, Eddie likes to keep it over there.
Eddie Menuek: Alright, here you go my friend. Eggs a-la Eddie, huh?
Chandler Bing: Oh, ooh.
Joey Tribbiani: Huh.
Chandler Bing: What?
Joey Tribbiani: No I just uh, thought you liked your eggs with the bread with the hole in the middle, a-la me.
Chandler Bing: Well I do, but uh, Eddie makes them this way and, well they're pretty darn good.
Eddie Menuek: Well you guys, I'm outta here. See ya pals.
Chandler Bing: See ya.
Joey Tribbiani: So how you two gettin' along?
Chandler Bing: Oh, I couldn't be happier.
Joey Tribbiani: Great, well, I'm happy for ya. Alright that's it. He just comes in here, Mr. Jonny Neweggs, with his, his, his movin' the mail and his, his 'see ya pals'. And now there's no juice. There's no juice f or the people who need the juice and want the juice. I need the juice.
Chandler Bing: There's another carton right over there.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, this isn't about juice anymore, alright man.
Chandler Bing: Alright, so what's it about?
Joey Tribbiani: Eggs. Who's eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh?
Chandler Bing: Well I like both eggs equally.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which.
Chandler Bing: Well what's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?
Monica Geller: I wanna watch Entertainment Tonight.
Ross Geller: Tough noogies, we're watching Predators of the Serengetti.
Rachel Green: Would you guys stop.
Monica Geller: It's my TV.
Ross Geller: Wha-, oh, quit it.
Monica Geller: Bite me.
Rachel Green: Oh my God.
Ross Geller: Well, Monica keeps changin' the channel.
Monica Geller: Oh that's great, why don't you tell mommy on me.
Rachel Green: Now I'm mommy in this little play? Alright look, I refuse to get sucked into this like, weird little Geller dimension thing OK. So I'm gonna go and take a nice long hot bubble bath because you kids are driving me crazy.
Monica Geller: OK, what're we gonna do about this?
Ross Geller: Well, I guess we could tape Entertainment Tonight.
Monica Geller: Not that, this, US. Oh my God, Ross, you-re, you're, it's jus-, you-, ever sin- you been here.
Ross Geller: Ow, ow, OK. Alright, alright, Mon, Mon, you've gone ultrasonic again, alright.
Monica Geller: I just can't stand you being here all the time.
Ross Geller: Why, why, why can't you stand me being here? I don't, I, we're just, ya know, we're just havin' fun.
Monica Geller: Fun? Fun, you think this is fun?
Ross Geller: Yeah, c'mon I mean I though, you know, I thought we're just foolin' around. Like when, uh, when we were kids.
Monica Geller: Ross, I hated you when we were kids.
Ross Geller: You hated me when we were kids?
Monica Geller: Yes. I hated you. I mean I, I, loved you in a 'you're my brother so I have to' kind of way, but basically, yeah, I hated your guts.
Ross Geller: Why did you hate me?
Monica Geller: Because, you were mean to me and you, you teased me and you always, always got your way.
Ross Geller: And that wasn't fun for you?
Monica Geller: Duh-huh!
Ross Geller: I can't believe you hated me.
Monica Geller: Now I love you. And not just 'cause I have to.
Ross Geller: Really?
Monica Geller: Yeah. You're just gonna have to stop pissing me off.
Ross Geller: I can do that.
Monica Geller: Then I won't have to kill you.
Ross Geller: So you wanna watch uh, Entertainment Tonight?
Monica Geller: Yeah, thanks. You know what?
Ross Geller: What?
Monica Geller: If you really want to watch that Serengetti thing, you can.
Ross Geller: Ohh... OK.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Everyone: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Listen. You are not going to believe this but, that is not me singing on the video.
Everyone: No.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes.
Rachel Green: Well, how did you find out?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, OK, the record company sent over this piece of paper for me to sign, saying that it's OK for someone else to sing for me. That was my first clue.
Monica Geller: So what're you gonna do?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I can't work with people who would do this.
Monica Geller: Sure.
Phoebe Buffay: I mean this poor woman.
Ross Geller: What woman?
Phoebe Buffay: The voice woman. Ya know, I mean, she has a great voice but she doesn't have a video.
Rachel Green: OK, Phoebs. But what about you?
Phoebe Buffay: Well I have a video, you have to pay attention. No this, this voice woman, she's so talented but, according to the producer people, they said she doesn't have like the right look or something, ya know. I mean, it's like, she's like one of those an imals at the pound who like nobody wants 'cause they're not pretty enough or you know. Like, like some old dog who's just kind of like stinky and. Huuuuh, oh my God, she's smelly cat. Oh, oh that song has so many levels.
Chandler Bing: Hey Eddie, you uh, wanna play some foosball?
Eddie Menuek: No thanks man, I'm not uh, I'm not really into sports.
Chandler Bing: Yeah o-, OK, alright. Doesn't matter, time for Baywatch.
Eddie Menuek: Y-, y-, you like that show?
Chandler Bing: You don't like that show?
Eddie Menuek: Wha-, n-, no. I mean it's just a bunch of pretty people runnin' around on the beach, ya know.
Chandler Bing: Well that's the brilliance of it. The pretty people... and the running.
Eddie Menuek: I tell ya, I-, I'm gonna go read in my room for a little while.
Chandler Bing: Oh o-, OK man.
Phoebe Buffay: Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Everybody.
Everyone: Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, it's not your fault.
Phoebe Buffay: Monica.
Monica Geller: They won't take you to the vet.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler.
Chandler Bing: You're obviously not their favorite pet.
Monica Geller: Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: It may not be a bed of roses.
Phoebe Buffay: Rachel.
Rachel Green: And you're no friend to those with noses.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh, Ross, those are the only lines we have, sorry. OK, you guys, once more.


Amber: Oh Drake.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: I'm sorry Amber. It's just like Brad to have to have the last word.
Ross Geller: I'm sorry I'm late, what happened?
Monica Geller: We, we just wanna see the end.
Amber: I want you Drake.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: I know you do but you and I can never be together that way.
Amber: What?
Dr. Drake Ramoray: There's something I never told you Amber. I'm actually your half- brother.
Rachel Green: So what happens next?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I get the medical award for separating the siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramone. And that's where I find the world's biggest emerald. It's really big but it's cursed.
Chandler Bing: God that is good TV.
Chandler Bing: Phoebs, play with meeee.
Phoebe Buffay: No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-rights violation.
Chandler Bing: Ya know Phoebs, don't feel so bad for 'em. After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time.
Phoebe Buffay: Why don't you play with your roommate?
Chandler Bing: Ah he's a, he's not a big fan of foosball.
Phoebe Buffay: Uh oh, ooh, are we not getting along with the new boy?
Chandler Bing: No he's, he's alright, just uh, he spends most of his time in his room.
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe that's because you haven't taken the time to get to know him. Let's remedy that, shall we?
Chandler Bing: We don't need to remedy that.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, it'll be fun.
Eddie Menuek: What was that?
Phoebe Buffay: Hi, um, I just thought that it would be fun if the three of us had some beers and got to know each other.
Eddie Menuek: Yeah alright, that sounds alright.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh good, ok. Oh nooo, I have to go because I'm late for my um, Green Eggs and Ham discussion group. Um tonight it's why he would not eat them on a train. Have fun bye.
Chandler Bing: That was so lame.
Phoebe Buffay: I know, yeah. Ok, talk to him.
Chandler Bing: So, you uh, you think that Speed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets er?
Eddie Menuek: That's good, that's good. So, so, so who broke up with who?
Chandler Bing: What're you kidding? I broke up with her. She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia.
Eddie Menuek: That's good man, when everybody knows that the uh, the capital of Cambodia is uh...
Chandler Bing: Well it's not Sean Penn.
Eddie Menuek: Not Sean Penn. Alright, I, I've got a funny one, alright. My last girlfriend Tilly. Ok, we're eating breakfast, right, and I made all these pancakes, there was like 50 pancakes right. And all of the sudden she turns to me, alright, and she says, 'Eddie.' I say, 'yeah,' she says, 'Eddie, I don't want to see you anymore.' And it was literally like she had reached into my chest, ripped out my heart, and smeared it all over my life, ya know. And now there's like this incredible abyss, ya know, and I'm falling and I keep falling and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop. That uh, wasn't such a funny story, was it?
Phoebe Buffay: And a crusty old man said I'll do what I can and the rest of the rats played moroccas. That's it, thanks, good night.
Richard Burke: Phoebe's got another job, right?
Rachel Green: Great set tonight Phoebs.
Phoebe Buffay: I know.
Ross Geller: Well, we should probably get going.
Richard Burke: Um, we should go too, I got patients at 8 in the moring.
Monica Geller: Ya know, I was thinking. Ya know how we always stay at your apartment? Well, I thought maybe tonight we'd stay at my place.
Richard Burke: I don't know, I don't have my jammies.
Monica Geller: Well, maybe you don't need them.
Ross Geller: My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen.
Monica Geller: Shut up, I'm happy.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, this is so nice. Alright I have to make a speech. I just wanna say that of all the guys that Monica has been with, and that is a lot, I like you the best.
Richard Burke: Oh, thank you Phoebs. That's very sweet.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok.
Richard Burke: Hear that? She likes me best, and apparently there've been a lot.
Monica Geller: Not a lot, Phoebe's kidding, Phoebe's crazy.
Rachel Green: Phoebe's dead.
Tilly: Hi.
Chandler Bing: Hi.
Tilly: I'm looking for Eddie Minowick.
Chandler Bing: Oh, uh, he's not here right now, uh, I'm Chandler, can I take a message, or, or a fishtank?
Tilly: Thanks.
Chandler Bing: Oh, oh, c'mon in.
Tilly: I'm Tilly.
Chandler Bing: Oh.
Tilly: I gather by that oh that he told you about me.
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, your uh, name came up in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very soul.
Tilly: He's kind of intense huh?
Chandler Bing: Yes. Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a little...
Eddie Menuek: A little what?
Chandler Bing: Bit country? C'mon in here you roomie.
Eddie Menuek: Hello Tilly.
Tilly: Eddie, I just came by to drop off your tank.
Eddie Menuek: That's very thoughtful of you. It's very thougtful.
Tilly: Well, ok then. I'm gonna go. Bye.
Eddie Menuek: Bye-bye.
Chandler Bing: Bye.
Chandler Bing: So, we gettin' a fish?
Eddie Menuek: You had sex with her didn't you?
Joey Tribbiani: Phoebs, check it out, check it out, check it out, check it out.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, ooh, Soap Opera Digest, oh that's one of my favorite digests.
Joey Tribbiani: Page 42, page 42, page 42.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, ok, ok. Ooh, hey 'new doc on the block, Days of Our Lives' Joey Tribbiani.' Ooh, cool picture.
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, I look good.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey is this true, that you write a lot of your own lines?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well the line in the script was, 'If we don't get this woman to a hospital, she's going to die.' But I made it, ' If this woman doesn't get to a hospital, she's not gonna live.'
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, ok, I see what you did there. Aren't you afraid though, that the writers are gonna be kinda mad when they read this?
Joey Tribbiani: Huh? Never really thought about the writers. The scripts just kinda come to my house. But you know what? This makes me look good, which makes the show look good, which makes the writers look good so how could they be mad about that?
Writer: Makes up most of his lines. Son-of-a-. Yeah, well, write this jerkweed.
Joey Tribbiani: I fall down an elevator shaft? What the hell does this mean, I fall down an elevator shaft?
Delivery Guy: Uhh, I don't know, I just bring the scripts.
Joey Tribbiani: They can't kill me, I'm Francesca's long lost son.
Delivery Guy: Right. Could you sign this?
Joey Tribbiani: No. No way, I'm not signing that.
Delivery Guy: I don't think that's gonna affect the plot of the show.
Joey Tribbiani: How can they do this to me?
Delivery Guy: Er, uh, I'm just gonna go. Sorry.
Monica Geller: Well it wasn't that many guys. I mean, if you consider how many guys there actually are, it's a very small percentage.
Rachel Green: Hey, it's not that big a deal, I was just curious.
Ross Geller: G'night.
Richard Burke: Night Richard. Good luck Mon.
Monica Geller: Alright, before I tell you, uh, why don't you tell me how many women you've been with.
Richard Burke: Two.
Monica Geller: Two? TWO? How is that possible? I mean, have you seen you?
Richard Burke: Well, I mean what can I say? I, I was married to Barbara for 30 years. She was my high school sweetheart, now you, that's two.
Monica Geller: Two it is. Ok, time for bed, I'm gonna go brush my teeth.
Richard Burke: Woah, woah, no wait a minute now. C'mon it's your turn. Oh c'mon. Ya know, I don't need the actual number, just a ballpark.
Monica Geller: Ok, it is definitely less than a ballpark.
Rachel Green: Wow, I am so glad I'm not Monica right now.
Ross Geller: Tell me about it. So what, what's your magic number?
Rachel Green: Uhhhooo.
Ross Geller: C'mon, you know everyone I've been with. All, both of them.
Rachel Green: Well, there's you.
Ross Geller: Better not be doin' these in order.
Rachel Green: Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo.
Ross Geller: Oh yes, the weenie from Torrini.
Rachel Green: Oh honey, are you jealous of Paolo? Oh, c'mon, I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him.
Ross Geller: Really?
Rachel Green: Oh please. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, ya know, meaningless animal sex. Ok, ya know, that sounded soooo much better in my head.
Chandler Bing: Eddie, I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend.
Eddie Menuek: That's very interesting, ya know, 'cause that's exactly what someone who slept with her would say.
Chandler Bing: This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of story.
Eddie Menuek: Where's Buddy?
Chandler Bing: Buddy?
Eddie Menuek: My fish, Buddy.
Chandler Bing: There was no fish when she dropped it off.
Eddie Menuek: Oh, this is, this is unbelievable. I mean, first you sleep with my ex-girlfriend then you insult my inteligenct by lying about it and then you kill my fish, my Buddy?
Chandler Bing: Hey I didn't kill your fish. Look Eddie... Would you look at what I'm doin' here. That can't be smart. So we're just gonna take this guy right off ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket. Tangellon?
Richard Burke: That's it? That's the giant number you were afraid to tell me?
Monica Geller: Well yeah.
Richard Burke: Well, that's not bad at all. I mean, you had me thinkin it was like a fleet.
Monica Geller: You really ok with it?
Richard Burke: Oh honey, I'm fine.
Monica Geller: Oh, yay. Ok about that two.
Richard Burke: What? Alright, what about my two?
Monica Geller: Well, it just seems like a really small number.
Richard Burke: Right, and...
Monica Geller: And, well, don't you have a lot of wild oats to sew? Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh my God, am I an oat?
Richard Burke: Honey, you are not an oat. I, I mean I don't know, I, I guess I'm just not an oat guy. I've only slept with women I've been in love with.
Monica Geller: But you've only slept with two people.
Richard Burke: Right.
Monica Geller: Wow. Oh wow. You know I love you too, right.
Richard Burke: Now I do.
Rachel Green: Ross, Ross, please listen to me. Ross, you are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean you care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh.
Ross Geller: Oh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea, why don't you invite Paulo over and have a little romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes.
Rachel Green: God, Ross, look, what you and I have is special, all Paolo and I ever had was...
Ross Geller: Animal sex, animal sex? So what're you saying, I mean, you're saying that like, there's nothing between us animal at all. I mean there's not even like, uhm, a little animal, not even, not even like, like chipmunk sex?
Rachel Green: Ok, Ross, try to hear me. Ok, I, hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Ok, it was good with Paolo.
Ross Geller: Knock-knock.
Rachel Green: But, what you and I have is so much better. Ok, we have tenderness, we have intimacy, we connect. Ya know, I swear, this is the best I have ever had.
Ross Geller: Until now.
Rachel Green: Oh, hi.
Monica Geller: Hi. Richard just told me he loves me.
Rachel Green: Oh my God, honey that's great.
Monica Geller: I know. I just can't find...
Rachel Green: Oh they're in the top drawer. Hurry.
Monica Geller: You need one too?
Rachel Green: Ooooh yeah.
Monica Geller: There's only one.
Richard Burke: Monica.
Monica Geller: Hi. Uh, we'll be right there, we're just trying to decide something.
Ross Geller: Rachel. Hey.
Richard Burke: Hey. They're just trying to decide somehting.
Ross Geller: Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different?
Richard Burke: No.
Ross Geller: Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat?
Richard Burke: I have a little comb.
Ross Geller: Oh. And what do you call that?
Richard Burke: A moustache comb.
Rachel Green: Ok, I, I will do your laundry for one month.
Monica Geller: No.
Rachel Green: Ok, ok, ok, I will, I will, I, hey, I will clean the apartment for two months.
Monica Geller: Alright, I tell you what, I'll give this to you now if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan.
Rachel Green: Agghhh.
Ross Geller: So were you in Nam?
Rachel Green: Rock-paper-scissors?
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Yeesss.
Monica Geller: Fine, go have sex.
Richard Burke: No. You have got it completely wrong. John Savage was deerhunter, no legs, John Voit was coming home, couldn't feel his legs.
Ross Geller: No, no way. You've got it totally the other way around my friend. John Voit was...
Rachel Green: Honey.
Ross Geller: What, what oh...
Richard Burke: Shall we?
Monica Geller: It's not gonna happen. They're doing it tonight, we can do it tomorrow.
Richard Burke: Uh, in the future, if I could see the schedule beforehand...
Chandler Bing: So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.
Monica Geller: Why?
Chandler Bing: Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.
Phoebe Buffay: Why would you kill his fish?
Chandler Bing: Because sometimes, Phoebe after you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish.
Rachel Green: Chandler honey, I'm sorry. Ok, can we watch Joey's show now please?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Monica Geller: Wait, he's not here yet.
Rachel Green: So, he's on the show, he knows what happens.
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Monica Geller: Alright.
Chandler Bing: Oh, I'm fine about my problem now, by the way.
Rachel Green: Oh good.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: Amber, I want you to know that I'll always be there for you, as a friend and as your brother.
Amber: Oh Drake.
Dr. Horton: Hard day huh? First the medical award, this.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: Some guys are just lucky I guess.
Intercom: Dr. Remore, report to first floor emergency, stat.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: Well then, uh, I uhh, guess that's me. Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr. Horton, Dr. Wong?
Dr. Horton: No, no, they only said you.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: Oh, ok. Alright.
Amber: I love you Drake.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: Yeah, whatever. Oh no.
Amber: Drake, look out.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Monica Geller: Did they just kill off Joey?
Ross Geller: No. Now maybe.
Ross Geller: C'mon.
Rachel Green: Joey.
Ross Geller: Open up. We want to talk to you.
Joey Tribbiani: I don't feel like talkin.
Rachel Green: Oh c'mon Joey, we care about you.
Chandler Bing: We're worried about you.
Monica Geller: And some of us really have to pee.
Monica Geller: Sorry Joey
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Listen, sorry about your death, that really sucks.
Chandler Bing: We came over as soon as we saw.
Ross Geller: How could you not tell us?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know, I was kinda hopin' no one would ever find out.
Rachel Green: Well, maybe they can find a way to bring you back.
Joey Tribbiani: Naa, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor that could have saved me was me. Supposed to be some kind of irony or somethin.
Phoebe Buffay: But Joey, you're gonna be fine. You don't need that show, it was just a dumb soap opera.
Joey Tribbiani: Phoebe, this was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, I was going to incorporate that. Oh good, here's Monica, she'll have something nice to say.
Monica Geller: Um, I straightened out your shower curtain so you won't get mildew. What? To me that's nice.
Chandler Bing: It's gonna be ok. You know that?
Joey Tribbiani: No, I don't. It's like, ya know, you work your whole life for somethin' and you think that when you get it it's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But this so was. Ya know, it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credit card application, and I was pre- approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life.
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry man.
Rachel Green: Yeah, Joey honey, I don't know if this'll mean anything to you but you'll always be pre-approved with us.
Joey Tribbiani: No, that means nothin to me.
Chandler Bing: Uhhhaahh.
Eddie Menuek: Pecan sandy, just made em.
Chandler Bing: Yeah alright. What're these, raisins?
Eddie Menuek: Uh, sure, why not.
Chandler Bing: Listen Eddie, um, I've been thinking about our current living situation and uh, why are you smiling?
Eddie Menuek: I got a little surprise, look. There's a new fishie. I named him uh, Chandler, you know, after, after you.
Chandler Bing: Well that's not an, even a real fish. No, that's a goldfish cracker.
Eddie Menuek: What's you point man?
Chandler Bing: Ok, good night. You big freak of nature.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Richard Burke: Hey.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Richard Burke: Ohh, brisk tonight.
Ross Geller: Oh man.
Richard Burke: Let's never speak of this.
Ross Geller: You got it.


Chandler Bing: Hey Eddie. Daahh!! What're you doin' here?
Eddie Menuek: Nothin' roomie, just watchin' you sleep.
Chandler Bing: Why?
Eddie Menuek: Makes me feel um, peaceful, heh-heh, please.
Chandler Bing: I can't sleep now.
Eddie Menuek: You want me to sing?
Chandler Bing: No, look, that's it, it's over, I want you out, I want you out of the apartment now.
Eddie Menuek: Woah, woah, woah, what're, what're you talkin' about man.
Chandler Bing: Hannibal Lecter...better roommate than you.
Eddie Menuek: No. See now I don't think you're being fair. I mean one night you see me and you get scared, I mean, what about all the other nights when you don't see me, huh? What about last night when you went and got a drink of water and I was nice enough to hide behind the door, what's that about, huh?
Chandler Bing: I didn't realize that.
Eddie Menuek: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: GET OUT NOW!!
Eddie Menuek: Ok, you really want me out?
Chandler Bing: Yes please.
Eddie Menuek: Ok, then I want to hear you say it, I, I want to hear you say you want me out.
Chandler Bing: I want you out.
Eddie Menuek: No no no, I wanna hear it from your lips.
Chandler Bing: Where did you hear it from before?
Eddie Menuek: Oh, right, all right, you know what pallie I understand, consider me gone, you know what, I'll be out by the time you get home from work tomorrow.
Eddie Menuek: I heard that.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hey. Whe-ell, look at you, finally got that time machine workin' huh?
Joey Tribbiani: Seriously, you like it? This guy was sellin' them on 8th avenue and I looked at 'em and I though, you know what I don't have?
Monica Geller: A mirror?
Joey Tribbiani: Fine, make fun. I think it's jaunty.
Monica Geller: Wow, for a guy who's recently lost his job, you're in an awfully good mood.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I'll be alright. I mean it's not like I'm starting from sqare one. I was Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives. Heh? I mean that's gotta have some kind of cache.
Monica Geller: Cache? Jaunty?
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler gave me word of the day toilet paper. I'm gonna get some coffee.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Oooh, so so so, did you read the book?
Monica Geller: Oh my God, it was incredible.
Phoebe Buffay: Didn't it like totally speak to you?
Rachel Green: Woah, woah, woah, what book is this?
Monica Geller: Rachel you have to read this book. It's called Be Your Own Windkeeper. It's about how women need to become more empowered.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah and oh, and but there's, there's wind and the wind can make us Goddesses. But you know who takes out wind? Men, they just take it.
Rachel Green: Men just take out wind?
Phoebe Buffay: Ya-huh, all the time, cause they are the lightning bearers.
Rachel Green: Wow.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Well that sounds kinda cool, kinda like The Hobbit.
Monica Geller: It is nothing like the Hobbit. It's like reading about every relationship I've ever had, except for Richard.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yes, no, Richard would never steal your wind.
Monica Geller: No.
Phoebe Buffay: No, 'cause he's yummy.
Monica Geller: Yes. But all the other ones.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yes. Oh and, the part about how they're always like drinking from out pool of inner power, but God forbid we should take a sip.
Joey Tribbiani: Anybody want a croan.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, this is a typical lightning-bearer thing. Right there, it's like, um, 'Hello, who wants one of my fallic shaped man cakes?'
Estelle Leonard: Don't worry about it already. Things happen.
Joey Tribbiani: So, you're not mad at me for getting fired and everything?
Estelle Leonard: Joey, look at me, look at me. Do I have lipstick on my teeth?
Joey Tribbiani: No, can we get back to me?
Estelle Leonard: Look honey, people get fired left and right in this business. I already got you an audition for Another World.
Joey Tribbiani: Alright. Cab driver number two?
Estelle Leonard: You're welcome.
Joey Tribbiani: But I was Dr. Drake Remoray. How can I go from bein' a neurosurgeon to drivin' a cab?
Estelle Leonard: Things change, roll with em.
Joey Tribbiani: But this is a two line part, it's like takin' a step backwards. I'm not gonna do this.
Estelle Leonard: Joey, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Al Minser and his pyramid of dogs. Take any job you can get and don't make on the floor.
Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry. See ya.
Rachel Green: Oh, God, oh, God, I mean it's just so.
Monica Geller: Isn't it.
Rachel Green: Uhh, I mean this is like reading about my own life. I mean this book could have been called 'Be Your Own Windkeeper Rachel'.
Phoebe Buffay: I don't think it would have sold a million copies but it would have made a nice gift for you.
Ross Geller: Hey you guys.
Monica Geller: Hey.
Ross Geller: Uh, sweetie we've gotta go.
Rachel Green: NO!
Ross Geller: No?
Rachel Green: No, why do we always have to do everything according to your time table?
Ross Geller: Actually it's the movie theatre that has the time schedule. So you don't miss the beginning.
Rachel Green: No, see this isn't about the movie theatre, this is about you stealing my wind.
Monica Geller: You go girl. I can't pull that off can I?
Ross Geller: Excuse me, your, your, your wind?
Rachel Green: Yes, my wind. How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?
Ross Geller: You, you know I, I don't, have a- have a problem with that.
Rachel Green: Ok, I just, I just really need to be with myself right now. I'm sorry.
Phoebe Buffay: Um-um, um-um.
Rachel Green: You're right, I don't have to apologize. Sorry. Damnit!
Joey Tribbiani: What is it?
Ross Geller: I, I don't know, it's got all this stuff about wind and trees and there's some kind of sacred pool in it. I mean, I don't really get it but she's, she's pretty upset about it.
Joey Tribbiani: See, this is why I don't date women who read. Uh-oh.
Ross Geller: What, what's that?
Joey Tribbiani: It's my VISA bill. Envelope one of two. That can't be good.
Ross Geller: Open it, open in.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God.
Ross Geller: Woah.
Joey Tribbiani: Look at this, how did I spend so much money?
Ross Geller: Uh Joey, that's just the minumum amount due, that's your total due.
Joey Tribbiani: Ahh.
Ross Geller: What, woah, woah, $3500 at porcelain safari?
Joey Tribbiani: My animals. Hey the guy said they suited me, he spoke with an accent, I was all confused. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Ross Geller: Well I guess you can start by drivin a cab on Another World.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Ross Geller: That audition.
Joey Tribbiani: That's a two line part.
Ross Geller: Joey, you owe $1100 at I Love Lucite.
Joey Tribbiani: So what.
Ross Geller: So suck it up man, it's a job, it's money.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, look, I don't need you getting all judgemental and condescending and pedantic.
Ross Geller: Toilet paper?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Look, I'm not being any of those things, ok, I'm just being realistic.
Joey Tribbiani: Well knock it off, you're supposed to be my friend.
Ross Geller: I am your friend.
Joey Tribbiani: Well then tell me things like, 'Joey you'll be fine,' and, 'Hang in there,' and, and, 'Somethin' big's fonna come along, I know it.'
Ross Geller: But I don't know it. What I do know is that you owe $2300 at Isn't it Chromantic.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Ross, I'm aware of what I owe.
Ross Geller: Ok, well then get some sense. I mean it took you what, 10 years to get that job, who knows how long it's gonna be till you get another.
Joey Tribbiani: Look, I don't wanna hear this right now.
Ross Geller: Huh, I'm just saying...
Joey Tribbiani: Well don't just say.
Ross Geller: Ya know, maybe, maybe I should just go.
Joey Tribbiani: Ok.
Ross Geller: Ok. I'll see ya later. Just think about it, ok.
Joey Tribbiani: I don't need to think about it. I was Dr. Drake Remoray. That was huge. Big things are gonna happen, you'll see. Ross, you still there?
Eddie Menuek: Hey pal.
Chandler Bing: Ahhhh-gaaaahhh. Eddie what're you still doin' here?
Eddie Menuek: Ah, just some basic dehydrating of a few fruits and vegetables. MAN ALIVE this thing's fantastic!
Chandler Bing: Look Eddie, aren't you forgetting anything?
Eddie Menuek: Oh yeah, that's right, look I got us a new goldfish. He's a lot fiestier that the last one.
Chandler Bing: Maybe 'cause the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm. Look Eddie, isn't there something else you're supposed to be doing right now?
Eddie Menuek: Well, not unless it's got something to do with dehydrating my man because right now I'm a dehydrating maniac!
Chandler Bing: Look you have to help me out here. I thought we had a deal. I thought by the time...
Eddie Menuek: Ah-ah-ah, you know what that is?
Chandler Bing: Your last roommate's kidney?
Eddie Menuek: That's a tomato. This one definitely goes in the display.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Gunther, let me get a lemonade to go.
Gunther: Lemonade? You ok man?
Joey Tribbiani: Ah, it's career stuff. I don't know if you heard but they killed off my character on the show.
Gunther: Oh, that's too bad. How'd they do it?
Joey Tribbiani: I fell down an elevator shaft.
Gunther: That sucks. I was buried in an avalanche.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Gunther: I used to be Bryce on All My Children.
Chandler Bing: Daaahhhh!
Monica Geller: Aaahhhhhhh! Aaahhhh!
Chandler Bing: Why must everybody watch me sleep? There'll be no more watching me sleep, no more watching.
Monica Geller: I wa-
Chandler Bing: Uuuh.
Eddie Menuek: Hey man, check it out, I got some great stuff to dehydrate here. I got some grapes, got some apricots, I thought it would be really cool to see what happens with these water balloons.
Chandler Bing: Get out. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.
Eddie Menuek: What?
Chandler Bing: You, move out. Take your fruit, your stupid small fruit and GET OUT!
Eddie Menuek: You, you want, you want me to move out?
Chandler Bing: Uh-huh.
Eddie Menuek: I uh, I gotta tell you man, I mean, that's uh, it's kinda out of the blue, I mean don't you think?
Chandler Bing: This is not out of the blue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue.
Eddie Menuek: Ohhhh. Relax, take it easy buddy. Tell me twice, you want me to go? Alright, alright, guess I'll be back for my stuff. But if you think for one second I'm leaving you alone with my fish, you're insane Jack!
Chandler Bing: You want some help.
Eddie Menuek: No help required Chico.
Joey Tribbiani: All the way to the airport huh? You know that's over 30 miles, that's gonna cost you about so bucks.
Casting Guy: Excuse me, that's 50 bucks.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Casting Guy: Five oh dollars.
Joey Tribbiani: Ohh, you know what it is? It's smudgy 'cause they're fax pages. Now when I was on Days of Our Lives as Dr. Drake Remoray, they'd send over the whole script on real paper and everything.
Casting Guy: That's great.
Joey Tribbiani: And, and just so you know, if you wanted to expand this scene like, like have the cab crash or somethin', I could attend to the victims 'cause I have a background in medical acting.
Casting Guy: Ok, listen, thanks for coming in.
Joey Tribbiani: No no, uh, don't thank me for comin' in. Uh, at least let me finish. Uh, we could take the expressway but uh, this time of day you're better off taking the budge. You were goin' for the word bridge there weren't ya. I'll have a good day.
Phoebe Buffay: Ok, question number 28, have you ever allowed a lighning bearer to take your wind? I would have to say no.
Monica Geller: And I would have to say pah-huh.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Monica Geller: Do you not remember the puppet guy?
Rachel Green: Yeah you like totally let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power.
Monica Geller: And his puppet too.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah ok, well at least I didn't let some guy into the forest of my righteous truth on the first date.
Monica Geller: Who?
Phoebe Buffay: Paul.
Monica Geller: Oh.
Rachel Green: Ok, ok, ok, moving on, moving on, next question. Ok number 29, have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightning bearer? Ok, number 30.
Monica Geller: Woah, woah, woah, let's go back to 29.
Rachel Green: Not uh, not to my recollection.
Monica Geller: Huuh, alright, Danny Arshak, ninth grade. Oh, c'mon Rach, you know the bottle was totally pointing at me.
Rachel Green: Only 'cause you took up half the circle.
Phoebe Buffay: Listen to you two. It's so sad. Looks like I'm gonna be going to the goddess meetings alone.
Rachel Green: Well not when they find out you slept with Jason Hurley an hour after he broke up with Monica.
Monica Geller: One hour? You are such a leaf blower.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh hey uh, be careful with that 3-D last supper, Judas is a little loose.
Ross Geller: Oh my God, what's goin' on?
Joey Tribbiani: They're takin all my stuff back. I guess you were right.
Ross Geller: No look I wasn''t right, that's what I came here to tell you. I was totally hung up on, on my own stuff. Listen, I'm someone who needs the whole security thing, ya know. To know exactly where my next paycheck is coming from buy you, you don't need that and that's amazing to me. I could never do what you do Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks Ross.
Ross Geller: Yeah. And you should hold out for something bigger. I can't tell you how much respect I have for you not going to that stupid cab driver audition.
Joey Tribbiani: I went.
Ross Geller: Great, how did it go?
Joey Tribbiani: I didn't get it.
Ross Geller: Good for you.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Ross Geller: You're livin' the dream.
Joey Tribbiani: Huh?
Ross Geller: All right then.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, not my parrot.
Ross Geller: What?
Joey Tribbiani: I can't watch this.
Ross Geller: Hey hold on, hold on. How much for the uh, how much to save the bird?
Mover: 1200.
Ross Geller: Dollars? You spent $1200 dollars on a plastic bird?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhhh, I was an impulse buyer, near the register.
Ross Geller: Go ahead, go ahead with the bird. Ok, do you have anything for around 200?
Mover: Uh, the dog.
Ross Geller: Huh.
Mover: Yeah.
Ross Geller: I'll take it. My gift to you man.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks Ross. I really like that bird though...I'll take the dog though.
Rachel Green: Here are your cakes.
Monica Geller: We didn't order cake.
Rachel Green: No, I know, they're from me. Look you guys this is not good. I mean we have enough trouble with guys stealing our wind without taking it from each other.
Monica Geller: You're right.
Rachel Green: You know.
Phoebe Buffay: I love you goddesses. I don't ever want to suck your wind again.
Rachel Green: Thank you. So are we good?
Monica Geller: We're good.
Rachel Green: We're good?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Ok, let me take these cakes back 'cause they're gonna take that out of my paycheck.
Chandler Bing: Ding dong, the psycho's gone.
Monica Geller: Are you sure this time?
Chandler Bing: Yes, yes I actually saw him leave. I mean that guy is standing in the window holding a human head. He is STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD!
Eddie Menuek: Check it out man, I tore it off some mannaquin in the alley behind Macy's.
Monica Geller: There is no alley behind Macy's.
Eddie Menuek: So I got it in the junior miss department, big diff. Anyway check it out man, it's gonna make a hell of a conversation piece at out next cocktail party, huh pal?
Chandler Bing: Our next cocktail party?
Eddie Menuek: Yeah, you know, put chips in it, we'll make like a chip chick.
Chandler Bing: Eddie, do you remember yesterday?
Eddie Menuek: Uh yes, I think I vaguely recall it.
Chandler Bing: Do you remember talking to me yesterday?
Eddie Menuek: Uh, yes.
Chandler Bing: So what happened?
Eddie Menuek: We took a road trip to Las Vegas man.
Chandler Bing: Oh sweet Moses.
Monica Geller: So on this road trip, did you guys win any money?
Eddie Menuek: Naah, I crapped out, but Mr. 21 over here he cleans up, 300 bucks, check it out he buys me these new shoes, sweet huh?
Monica Geller: Nice.
Eddie Menuek: Yeah. Well see ya upstairs. See ya pals.
Phoebe Buffay: Is anyone else starting to really like him?
Chandler Bing: May I help you?
Eddie Menuek: Why doesn't my key work and what's all my stuff doin' downstairs?
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm, I'm sorry... Ahhh. Have we met?
Eddie Menuek: It's Eddie you freak, your roommate.
Chandler Bing: I, I'm sorry, I uh I already have a roommate.
Joey Tribbiani: Hello.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, he's lived here for years, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about man.
Eddie Menuek: No he, he moved out and I moved in.
Chandler Bing: Well I, I think we'd remember something like that.
Joey Tribbiani: I know I would.
Eddie Menuek: Well that's uh, that's a good point. Um ok, well, uh, I guess I got the wrong apartment then. I, I'm, look, I'm, ya know, I'm sorry, I'm terriably sorry.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey no problem.
Chandler Bing: See ya. Goodbuy you fruit drying psychopath. So you want me to help you unpack your stuff?
Joey Tribbiani: Na, na I'm ok. Oh and uh, just so you know, I'm not movin' back in 'cause I have to. Well, I mean, I do have to. It's just that that place wasn't really, I mean, this is...
Chandler Bing: Welcome home man.
Joey Tribbiani: A little foos?
Chandler Bing: Absolutely.
Joey Tribbiani: What happened to the foosball?
Chandler Bing: Ah that's a cantelope.
Chandler Bing: Hey look, are we gonna have to bring this out every time Ross comes over?
Joey Tribbiani: He paid a lot of money for it.
Chandler Bing: I'm gonna hold him a different way. Look I don't understand, if you hated it so much, why did you buy it in the first place?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I had a whole ceramic zoo thing goin' over there but now, without the other ones, it just looks tacky.
Chandler Bing: So is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. Good, STAY! Good fake dog.