Chandler Bing: Hello? Hello?
Monica Geller: I LOVE MY NEW JOB!
Chandler Bing: Honey, you're screaming.
Monica Geller: YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM! I just had the best first day ever! The kitchen: twice as big as Allessandro's.
Chandler Bing: Oh, that's great.
Monica Geller: Yeah, a-a-and clean. Not just health department clean... Monica clean.
Chandler Bing: Awesome.
Monica Geller: Oh, and the people are so nice. There's this one guy, Geoffrey, he's the Maitre D., Chandler, you will love him. He is without a doubt, the funniest guy I have ever met.
Mike Hannigan: This is nice.
Phoebe Buffay: I know!
Mike Hannigan: You need both hands for that?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I kinda do. Well, how's this?
Joey Tribbiani: Aaahhh, look at you two... holding hands... huh is this getting serious? Have you not talked about it yet? Am I making you uncomfortable? If you were bigger you'd hit me, huh...? Aaaaaahhhhhh.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry... I'm sorry. It's obviously way too early for us to be... having that conversation.
Mike Hannigan: Is it?
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe not, is it?
Mike Hannigan: Okay, when I got divorced, I didn't think I'd feel this way about someone for a really long time... Then again, I didn't think I'd meet someone like you... and... this may be crazy soon, but... I want you to have this... No, not... that's gum. Ooh, five bucks... I love it when that happens, you know... Think no note's there...
Phoebe Buffay: I know Mike, why don't you keep digging?
Mike Hannigan: Oh, sorry.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's a key. To be honest, I think I'd prefer the five dollars.
Mike Hannigan: It's to my apartment.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh wow, ooh! Ooh, big step for Phoebe and Mike.
Mike Hannigan: Yeah, look, and I don't want you to feel like you have to give me your key just because...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, I want to.
Mike Hannigan: Oh, thank God.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah... ooh... wow... Even started to think I'd never meet someone that, you know, I wanted to... do this with. Here you go.
Mike Hannigan: Is this cool, huh?
Phoebe Buffay: It really is.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I know it... It is amazing these little things open doors... huh!
Rachel Green: So I don't go back to work for another four weeks, but we would like our nanny to start right away, so that Emma could get a chance to know her.
Prospective Nanny: I think that's really smart. The easier we can make the transition for her, the better.
Rachel Green: That's great, great. So do you have any questions for us?
Prospective Nanny: Not really.
Rachel Green: Allright. Well thank you so much for coming...
Ross Geller: Thank you.
Rachel Green: Really nice to meet you... and we'll call you.
Prospective Nanny: Oh, you know, wait. I do have one question. Do you guys do random drug testing?
Ross Geller: Boy, we uhm... hadn't really thought of that.
Prospective Nanny: That's cool. But... but if you do, I'm gonna need three days notice.
Rachel Green: Okidoki! Wow! We're never gonna find a nanny.
Ross Geller: Oh, come on Rach, we will. I promise. We have more interviews And worse comes to worse, we can always reconsider the uhm... the first one we met with.
Rachel Green: What, the blonde with no bra?
Ross Geller: She was blonde? Just a sec.! Okay, okay. This one's name is Sandy. She's got a degree in early childhood education, uhm... she worked for her last family for three years.
Rachel Green: Okay...
Sandy: Hi... I'm Sandy.
Ross Geller: And she's a little mannish...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! David!
David: Hi! I-i-is this a bad time?
Phoebe Buffay: No! It's a great time, come in...! WOW, hi... Oh my gosh! What are you doing here? Are you back from Minsk?
David: Well, just for a couple of days, uhm... I'm here to explain to the people who gave us our grant, why it's a positive thing that we spent all their money and uhm... accomplished uhm... nothing.
Phoebe Buffay: Who cares, it got you here.
David: Well, it got me to New York anyway, and then I got on a cab at the airport, and the guy said where to? and I just... gave him your address I... I... I didn't even think about it.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow. Where is your luggage?
David: Damn it!
Phoebe Buffay: A-Allright, well... I'll call the cab company.
David: Wa... wa... wait! We can... call them later. Can you just... just stand there f-f-for a moment? Boy! There's an old Russian expression, uhm... it goes: Schto ya ztez vigul... ui! Roughly translated that means uhm... This thing that I'm looking at: wow!
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you! God, no! You should see me when... Oh actually, no, I look pretty good.
David: Are... are you kidding? You know, when you don't see someone for a long time, a-a-and you kind of build them up in your head and you start thinking about: Come on, don't be crazy. Nobody is that beautiful, but... well, you are. Well, so, uhm... are you seeing... anyone?
Phoebe Buffay: No...
Phoebe Buffay: I'm... I'm just... I'm the worst person ever. How can I not tell David that I'm seeing Mike?
Monica Geller: Maybe he didn't give you a chance.
Phoebe Buffay: He said: Are you seeing someone? And I said no...
Monica Geller: Oh, well... That had been your window.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! I mean, I don't know. I was just , I was looking, I was looking in his eyes and I was just thinking: Oh my God! It's David. David's here. He's just, he's so irresistible.
Monica Geller: Really? The scientist guy?
Phoebe Buffay: Really? Chandler?
Monica Geller: Continue...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.Okay, then it gets worse, 'cause then I told him that I would see him tomorrow night.
Monica Geller: Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: I know! Evil! And... and... and... I like Mike so much, you know. It's just going really well. Oh my God!
Monica Geller: Wow, isn't it ironic that David would show up on the same day that you and Mike exchange keys?
Phoebe Buffay: Uhuh... Yeah...!, you know. And given my life long search for irony, you can imagine how happy I am.
Monica Geller: What are you gonna do?
Phoebe Buffay: I mean I guess, I just have to... tell David that nothing can happen between us. Unless I don't... You know, complicated moral situation, no right, no wrong...
Monica Geller: You have to tell David!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I knew I should have had this conversation with Joey.
Chandler Bing: Funniest guy she's ever met! I'm funny, right...? What do you know, you're a door... You just like knock-knock jokes... Save it for inside!
Monica Geller: Heeeeeey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Chandler Bing: So... Oklahoma is a crazy place. You know, they call it the Sooner state. Frankly I'd sooner be in any other state. And what's with Oklahoma having a pan handle? Can all states have stuff like that? Hey yeah, I'm from the waistband, Wyoming. But when I was seven, we headed over to the crotch.
Monica Geller: Was your cabin pressurised?
Chandler Bing: And don't get me started on the way that people from Tulsa talk.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Chandler Bing: What's with the word y'all? You know, just... two words just... pushed together... Are we all allowed to do that, because if so, I say why stop there? You know, your new poodle could be your noodle. And fried chicken? Could be fricken.Waiter, waiter excuse me, I'll have the fricken? See, that's... that's funny with the fricken, right?
Monica Geller: No, it just remind me of something this guy did today at work. I told you about that funny guy, Geoffrey, right?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, he came up...
Monica Geller: Well, he did this bit... You probably had to be there, but it was Liza Minelli locked in our freezer, eating a raw chicken.
Chandler Bing: Were you there?
Phoebe Buffay: No, but it sounds like it was fricken funny...
Sandy: I really do understand how hard it's gotta be to leave your child with another person. I mean, it's leaving behind a piece of your heart...
Rachel Green: Sandy, that's exactly what it is...
Ross Geller: Are you gay?
Rachel Green: Ross!
Sandy: It's okay. I get that a lot doing what I do. But I am straight. I-I'm engaged actually.
Rachel Green: Oh!
Sandy: Her name is Deliah.
Rachel Green: Oh, that's pretty.
Ross Geller: So you're just like a... guy who's a nanny?
Sandy: I realise how it's... a bit unorthodox for some people, but I really believe, the most satisfying thing you can do with your life, is take care of a child.
Ross Geller: Okay.
Sandy: Like in my last job, I met Daniel when he was three weeks old. And I got to watch him grow into this awesome person... When I Left, I Said I'll see you soon... And he said to me: Skdandy... That was his name for me... I'll see you every day... right in...
Ross Geller: Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap.
Rachel Green: Oh God, she mu... she must need her diaper changed.
Sandy: Oh, oh, I can do it for her, if you want...
Rachel Green: Oh, that would be great! I love him, I love him, I love him...
Ross Geller: Oh, come on, Rach, he's a guy!
Rachel Green: So wh..? He's smart, he's qualified. Give me one good reason we shouldn't try him out.
Ross Geller: Because, it's weird!
Rachel Green: Why?
Ross Geller: What kind of job is that for a man? A nanny? I-It's like if a woman wanted to be...
Rachel Green: Yes?
Ross Geller: King?
Sandy: I er... I hope you don't mind. I used some of my home-made lotion on Emma. It's a mixture of calendula and honey cream. It'll dry that rash right up. Plus... It keeps the hands young...
Rachel Green: Please? YES! Sandy you're hired.
Sandy: That's great! I'm sorry. It's just... such an emotional thing when you're welcomed into a new family...
Rachel Green: Oooh... ***I really can't hear what she says*** come here.
Ross Geller: You gotta be at least bi...
Chandler Bing: Hey! I need you to set me up for a joke. Later, when Monica is around, I need you to ask me about fire trucks.
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh. I-I don't know Chan. I'm not so good with remembering lines.
Chandler Bing: Well, thank God your livelihood doesn't depend on it.
Joey Tribbiani: I know, right? Wh... Wh... Why are we doing this?
Chandler Bing: Monica says that her Maitre D. is the funniest guy she's ever met.
Joey Tribbiani: Seriously? She actually said that?
Chandler Bing: Yes! Am I crazy to be this upset?
Joey Tribbiani: Nooooo! Being funny is your thing!
Chandler Bing: Yeah!
Joey Tribbiani: Without that, you just got "lame with women".
Chandler Bing: Ye...
Monica Geller: Hi! There you are.
Joey Tribbiani: Fire trucks!
David: Wow, you look even... more beautiful than you did yesterday.
Phoebe Buffay: Oof...
David: In fact, ehm... I going to kiss you now.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, wait, wait!
David: Yeah, I-I don't, I can't get away with stuff like that. I-I-It sounded sexy in my head, so I...
Phoebe Buffay: No, no, it's not that. Uhm... Remember when you asked me if I was seeing someone and I said no? Well, uhm... I am. His ... his name is Mike.
David: Oh... oh...
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I should have told you.
David: No... well, yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
David: Well, i-it's okay. I-I-I understand... Well, s... well, are you happy with this guy?
Phoebe Buffay: I am happy.
David: Damn it! I-I'm sorry. I-I don't mean that. I-I want you to be happy... But only with me. No, uhm... that's not fair. Uh, who cares, leave him!. Oh, I don't mean that. Yes I do... I'm sorry Uhm, I... I think I should probably uhm... go...
Phoebe Buffay: Well... but David, just... I just want you to know that... that... you know... telling you this... is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
David: Well... just so you know... hearing it wasn't exactly a Vladnik carnival either... Can we at least hug goodbye?
Phoebe Buffay: Of course, yeah. You know, a kiss on the cheek wouldn't be totally inappropriate...
David: No... no...
Phoebe Buffay: I mean...
David: In Minsk...
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah?
David: ...it's uhm... i-it's two on each cheek and uhm... and one on the lips.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, if that's what they do in Minsk... In New York... it's...
Rachel Green: Oh... Oh boy... Hi...
Ross Geller: Is everything allright?
Rachel Green: Oh yeah, it's fine, it's fine. Sandy was just... was just telling me about how he proposed to his fiance and it was just sooo beautiful.
Sandy: Well, her favourite flower is the camellia. From the poem...
Rachel Green: I can't... I can't hear it again.
Sandy: You know, I can't tell it again...
Ross Geller: And I'm fine never having heard it... Rach, can I... can I see you for a sec?
Rachel Green: Yeah! Excuse me...
Ross Geller: Do you realise that man has cried in our apartment three times...? Huh? I haven't cried that many times since I moved in.
Rachel Green: Look, Ross, he's just... Sandy is just sensitive, that's all.
Ross Geller: Okay, okay, see... that... that is the problem. He is too sensitive.
Rachel Green: What...? Too sensitive to take care of our baby?
Ross Geller: Yeah, I mean, all things that guy... These are amazing!
Rachel Green: Sandy made Madeleines.
Ross Geller: This... this is exactly what I'm talking about. What kind of a guy makes... makes... delicate French cookies, huh? They're not even... butch, manly cookies with... with... you know with... with chunks.
Rachel Green: Well, I... you know, I-I-I don't know what to say... I mean, I never thought of you as a guy who needed his men to be men. You know, 'cause I gotta tell you Ross, it not like you just came in from branding cattle.
Ross Geller: Hey... there's sensitive... and there is too sensitive.
Rachel Green: Okay, what? What is too sensitive?
Phoebe Buffay: Hmmm... No, no... No, I can't do this. It's bad.
David: But... I-I-It's nice... A-a-and... nice is good. A-a-and good is not bad, ergo, w-w-we should keep kissing.
Phoebe Buffay: No, no. No.
David: But... ergo...
Phoebe Buffay: Look David, if... if you had never left, then... yeah, we'd probably still be together right now, but... you did leave, and I-I'm with Mike and I really care about him...
David: Uhm... uhm... Goodbye... Uh... Schto ya ztez vigul... ui...
Mike Hannigan: Well... hey, the key works...!
Phoebe Buffay: And you thanks for the face massage. Thank you.
Ross Geller: Did Rachel tell you we hired a male nanny?
Monica Geller: Yeah! I think that's great!
Ross Geller: Oh really? Did she tell you he plays the recorder, recites poetry and bakes Madeleines?
Monica Geller: Oh... How are they?
Ross Geller: Lighter than air... But that's not the point.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey...! Rachel and I hired a male nanny.
Joey Tribbiani: Really...? Guys do that...? That's... weird...
Ross Geller: Thank you!
Joey Tribbiani: That's like a woman wanting to be a...
Ross Geller: ...a what? A what? What's the end of that sentence?
Monica Geller: Yes... What is the end of that sentence?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhm... A penis model. Anyway, hey... Did you tell Chandler that some guy from work is the funniest guy you've ever met?
Monica Geller: Yeah, so?
Ross Geller: Wow!
Joey Tribbiani: Really? Do you not know Chandler?
Monica Geller: Is that why he's acting so weird...? He's jealous...? Oh my God, that is crazy. It's not like I'm attracted to Geoffrey...
Joey Tribbiani: So what? Being funny is Chandler's thing... You know, like Ross's thing is...
Ross Geller: Science...? Academia...? Being a good father...?
Joey Tribbiani: ...No...
Monica Geller: I can't believe he's that upset about this...
Joey Tribbiani: Monica, you have to do some damage control here, okay. 'Cause he's feeling like...
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Heeeyy! Hey!
Chandler Bing: What are you guys talking about?
Ross Geller: Uhm... Rachel and I hired a male nanny.
Chandler Bing: You got a man who's a nanny...? You got a manny...?
Chandler Bing: You know, I don't mind a... male nanny, but I do draw the line at a male wetnurse.
Monica Geller: Ohhh, ooohhh... you are on a roll, mister!
Chandler Bing: If I'd known you guys were coming over, I would have brought more pizza.
Monica Geller: Okay, okay... Chandler you... you stop it!
Chandler Bing: What is so funny about that?
Monica Geller: Well, I don't know... I-It's... just the way you say it... I mean, you're funny... You have that funny thing. You're a funny guy!
Chandler Bing: Did you tell her what we talked about?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah...
Chandler Bing: So those were pity laughs? PITY LAUGHS?
Monica Geller: Honey, listen... You have nothing to worry about with Geoffrey.
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah? Is he funnier than me?
Monica Geller: Well, you're... you're different funny... I mean, you're... you're more sarcastic a-a-and... well, he does... bits... and impressions... and... and limericks...
Chandler Bing: I do limericks... uhm... There once was a man named Chandler, whose wife made him die inside.
Monica Geller: Honey, you know I think you're hilarious! Come on, you know that joke you told me last week? The one about Jerry Lewis and the girl with the lazy eye...? That slayed me.
Ross Geller: Hey... I made up that joke and told it to you!
Joey Tribbiani: Not knowing when to shut up...
Ross Geller: Yep! That's my thing...
Mike Hannigan: So... how many guys have your key?
Phoebe Buffay: No, no, no, no, no... It's not... it's not... i'ts not as bad as it looks... really. I was just saying goodbye to an old friend.
Mike Hannigan: Your lipstick's on his mouth.
David: Oh, uh... we just uh... happen to wear the same shade.
Phoebe Buffay: No, uhm... David and I did use to go out... but years ago, and he lives in Minsk. He's only... he's only in town for a couple of days.
Mike Hannigan: Did you uhm...
Phoebe Buffay: No, no...
Mike Hannigan: ...kiss him?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well, yeah...
David: Yes, but uhm... You should know... she really likes you. I-In fact I-I-I don't think you realise j-just how lucky you are fella.
Mike Hannigan: Don't point your finger at me.
David: Why? Wh-What are you going to do about it?
Mike Hannigan: Well... I'll... just show you what I'm gonna do about it...
Phoebe Buffay: Stop it! Stop it, before someone gets really hurt! Here David, you should just go.
David: Allright... But... if I ever do come back from Minsk... well, you just better watch out.
Mike Hannigan: Well, if I ever goto Minsk, you'd better watch out.
David: Oh, you're going to Minsk?
Mike Hannigan: Well, I might.
David: Really? Well, if you do, come in the spring. It's just lovely there.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, well... guys?
David: Right... Goodbye Phoebe.
Mike Hannigan: Hey, what are you kidding me?
David: Right-o, right-o... Take good care of her.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. If you... If you want your key back, I totally understand.
Mike Hannigan: It's never gonna happen again right?
Phoebe Buffay: Right! Never! Never! I swear!
David: I-I... Oh I...I just wanna say uhm... if you do ever come to Minsk, that's my number We'll uhm... we'll party up Vladnik style.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Allright! Hey, hey Ross. Check it out! Sandy taught me Hot-cross Buns.
Ross Geller: Really? Sounded like Three Blind Mice.
Joey Tribbiani: Noooo... Three Blind Mice goes like this...
Ross Geller: I swear to God...!
Sandy: Who's up for puppets?
Joey Tribbiani: Me! I'm up for puppets!
Sandy: Well, please welcome... The Snufflebumps... Who wants to be mr. Wigglemunch and who's gonna be the Grumpus?
Ross Geller: Okay, okay... How exactly is a two month old supposed to appreciate puppets?
Sandy: Actually studies have shown that the movement and colours help their cerebral development... The whimsical characters are just for us.
Joey Tribbiani: I wanna be mr. Wigglemunch.
Ross Geller: Oh my God!
Sandy: Well, I guess we know who's gonna be the Grumpus...
Rachel Green: That was kind of rude!
Ross Geller: Oh, I'm sorry. Please apologise to Sandy and the Snufflebumps for me.
Rachel Green: You know, he was just doing his job...
Ross Geller: Well, you know what... I-I'm sorry I'm the only one who isn't in love with Gary Poppins out there... But I just... I can't... I can't go through with this.
Rachel Green: Oh, come on Ross...
Ross Geller: No! Hey, you know what? I'm sorry. I would never force you... to hire someone you were this uncomfortable with...
Rachel Green: Oh... That's true.
Ross Geller: Thank you!
Rachel Green: Well, you're the one who wants to fire him, so you're gonna have to do it.
Sandy: So you see Wigglemunch, that's why it's important to shaaaaaaare...
Joey Tribbiani: I am learning so much from you.
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm off to Tulsa, so if your Maitre D. friend has any funny Oklahoma jokes, tell him to e-mail me at www.hahanotsomuch.com.
Monica Geller: Honey, you can relax. Last night at work, Geoffrey told this really sexist joke. After that, not so funny anymore.
Chandler Bing: Really...? See... that's the thing: you gotta keep it smart, people!
Monica Geller: Okay, don't miss that flight. You know I love you.
Chandler Bing: I love you too. And... I like you as a friend.
Joey Tribbiani: Allright. See you later!
Chandler Bing: See ya!
Joey Tribbiani: Did that guy really make that joke?
Monica Geller: Naaaa... He still kills me. Last night he had me laughing so hard, I swear... a little pee came out.
Ross Geller: Here goes...
Rachel Green: I can't watch. It's like firing Elmo.
Ross Geller: Sandy... Hi, we uhm... we kinda need to talk. I'm afraid it's not working out.
Sandy: Oh...
Ross Geller: Yeah, uhm... I mean, Rachel and I, think you are great... with Emma... uhm... We just feel...
Rachel Green: YOU! You feel!
Ross Geller: I... just feel that the... the chemistry isn't right. I'm sorry. We're... we're more than happy to give you good recommendation...
Sandy: Oh, no, no, no... That's okay. I got a lot of offers from other families. I just picked you guys because... I liked you the best.
Rachel Green: Oh, damn you Geller!
Ross Geller: Anyway, uhm...Well, I'm glad there's no hard feelings.
Sandy: No, none at all. You need to be happy with whoever is in your home... Although if you don't mind telling me, what was your problem? Maybe it's something I can work on in the future.
Ross Geller: No, you know, it's uhm... nothing you did, it's... it's uhm... my issue.
Sandy: What is it...? Please...?
Ross Geller: You know, I'm just not uhm... that comfortable with a guy who's as sensitive as you.
Sandy: That's fair... Although, can I ask... why do you think that is?
Ross Geller: Why... I... I don't know. Uhm... errrr... maybe... maybe because of my father?
Sandy: hmmm...
Ross Geller: I mean, uhm... you know when I was growing up he was kind of a tough guy... You know a-a-and as a kid I wasn't the athlete I am now.
Rachel Green: Huh ha ha!
Ross Geller: I play squash...! Anyway, uhm... I uhm... I always get the feeling he thought I was too sensitive.
Sandy: That must have been hard.
Ross Geller: It was hard... I remember... I was in my bedroom... playing with my dinosaurs... playing and learning... and my father walks in and says... he says... "What are you doing with those things? What's wrong with you, why aren't you... why aren't you outside playing like a... like a real boy?
Sandy: But you are a real boy!
Ross Geller: I know I am! ...And when it's summer, and it's hot, why can't you wear a tank top?
Sandy: It's allright! Crying is good. It lets the boo-hoos out.
Ross Geller: Here come some more...
Sandy: And what's the one kind of boat that can never, ever sink?
Joey Tribbiani: What kind?
Sandy: A friend-ship...
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! You blow my mind...
Sandy: Oh, I gotta go.
Joey Tribbiani: Aaahh... How much do I owe you?
Sandy: Twenty bucks.
Joey Tribbiani: It's like the cheapest college ever.


Ross Geller: And that's why, no matter what mommy says, we really were on a break. Yes we were! Yes we were! Come here gorgeous. Oh! Look at you! You are the cutest little baby ever! You're just a... a little bitty baby, you know that? But you've got... You've got big beautiful eyes... Yes you do... and a... and a big round belly. Big baby butt! I like big butts. I like big butts and I cannot lie / you other brothers can't deny / when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty, waist / and a round thing in your face you get... Oh my God, Emma... you're laughing! Oh my God, you've never done that before, have you? You never done that before... Daddy made you laugh, huh? Well, daddy and Sir Mix Alot... What? What? You... you wanna hear some more? Uhm... My anaconda don't want none / unless you got buns hon... I'm a terrible father!
Chandler Bing: Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey... hey listen... What do you guys know about investments?
Chandler Bing: How come?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I'm starting to make good money on the show and I'm thinking... I should probably do something with it.
Monica Geller: What do you do with your money now?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I just tape it to the back of my toilet tank. I didn't say that! It's in a bank guarded by robots!
Chandler Bing: Do you have any ideas?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, yeah... This guy at work got me excited about going in on an emu farm. That'd be kinda cool huh? Pitchin' in on the weekends, helping to plant the emus...
Monica Geller: Joe... Emus are birds. You raise them for meat.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Right! People eat birds... Bird meat... Now do they just fly into your mouth or you go to... you go to a restaurant and you say: "Excuse me, I'll have a bucket of fried bird." Or... or maybe just a wing or...
Monica Geller: Joey, I think you should consider something a little less risky. I mean, I think in this market, real estate is your best investment.The Fed. just lowered the rates and the interest on your mortgage is totally deductible. That's right, I know some stuff!
Joey Tribbiani: Real estate, huh? Hmmm...
Monica Geller: Oh, and you know who's selling a great apartment? Richard!
Chandler Bing: Oh, and you know whose knowledge of her ex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica!
Monica Geller: My dad told me. They play golf together.
Chandler Bing: Oh, well... Maybe I'll join them some time. I just hope the club doesn't slip out of my hand and beat the moustache off his face.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: Listen! You have to help me pick a dress 'cause I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight!
Monica Geller: Wow, the boyfriend's parents! That's a big step.
Phoebe Buffay: Really? That hadn't occurred to me.
Monica Geller: They just gonna love you, just be yourself.
Phoebe Buffay: They live on the upper east side on Park Avenue!
Rachel Green: Oh yeah, she can't be herself.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so... allright... Which dress? You can say "neither".
Monica Geller: I'm sorry honey, but we're gonna take you shopping. It's gonna be fine.
Rachel Green: Yeah, totally! You are in such good hands. And I'm so good with meeting parents. With the father, you know, you want to flirt a little bit, but not in a gross way. Just kind of like: "Oh mr. Pincer, I can see where Wallis gets his good looks..."
Monica Geller: You went out with Wallis Pincer?
Rachel Green: Uh, he took the SAT's for me.
Monica Geller: I knew you didn't get a 1400!
Rachel Green: Ssshyeah, well, duh! I mean...
Phoebe Buffay: So... now... What about with Mike's mom?
Rachel Green: Oh, with the mother, just... just constantly tell her how amazing her son is. Take it from me, moms love me. Ross's mom one time actually said I'm like the daughter that she never had.
Monica Geller: She said WHAT?
Phoebe Buffay: That's she's like the daughter she never had. Listen!
Rachel Green: Hi.
Ross Geller: Hi.
Rachel Green: I just finished getting Phoebe all dressed to meet Mike's parents. She's so nervous, it's so sweet!
Ross Geller: Guess what? I made Emma laugh today.
Rachel Green: You WHAT? And I missed it? Because I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie?
Ross Geller: Yeah, and it was uhm... it was like a real little person laugh too. It was... it was like uhm... Only... only not creepy.
Rachel Green: Well... well, what did you do to make her laugh?
Ross Geller: I uhm... Well, I sang... well actually I rapped... Baby Got Back...
Rachel Green: You WHAT? You sang... to our baby daughter... a song about a guy who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?
Ross Geller: But you know what, if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy uhm... body image... because... even big butts or uhm... juicy doubles.
Rachel Green: owwwww...
Ross Geller: Please don't take her away from me!
Catherine: Oh hi, come on in. I'm Catherine, the listing agent.
Joey Tribbiani: Hi I'm Joey. This is Chandler.
Chandler Bing: So how come Richard's selling the place? Went bankrupt? Medical malpractice? Choked on his own moustache?
Catherine: Actually, he is buying a much bigger place. It's got a great view of Central Pa...
Chandler Bing: mmm That's enough about you!
Joey Tribbiani: Is there anything we should know about the apartment?
Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here...
Chandler Bing: No, no, no, no, no, NO! No, no... we're not together. We're not a couple. We're definately not a couple.
Catherine: Oh... Okay, sorry!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough for you?
Chandler Bing: We're not gonna have this conversation again... Look at this place. Why am I so intimidated by this guy? Pretentious art, this huge macho couch. When we know all he does is sit around all day crying about losing Monica to a real man! You don't think he's here, do you?
Joey Tribbiani: You know what it is? It's a nice place but I gotta see I don't know if I see myself living here. Oh, oh, oh, let me see... Yeah, I could see it.
Chandler Bing: Look at these videos. You know, I mean, who does he think he is? Magnum Force, Dirty Harry, Cool Hand Luke... Oh my God!
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Chandler Bing: There's a tape here with Monica's name on it.
Joey Tribbiani: Ooh! A tape with a girls name on it. It's probably a sex tape... Wait a minute... This says Monica... And this is Richard's apartment...
Chandler Bing: Get there faster!
Mike Hannigan: Wow! You look like... like my mom.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm wearing pantyhose!
Mike Hannigan: Great! Come on in!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, thank you! Oh... Oh my God, you're RICH!
Mike Hannigan: No, my parents are rich.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, so... They gotta die someday. HELLO!
Mike Hannigan: Mom, dad, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, these are my parents: Theodore and Bitsy.
Phoebe Buffay: Theodore... Bitsy... What a delight!
Bitsy Hannigan: It's so nice to finally meet you!
Phoebe Buffay: And you... Your home is lovely.
Bitsy Hannigan: Well thank you, I'll give you a tour later. It's actually three floors.
Phoebe Buffay: Holy crap!
Bitsy Hannigan: Phoebe, why don't you come in the living room and meet our friends?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, try and stop me!
Mike Hannigan: Hey... Wh... What are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm trying to get your parents to like me.
Mike Hannigan: Yeah, I'm sure they will, but you don't have to do this... I'm wanting them to get to know Phoebe, not Phoebe...
Phoebe Buffay: Got it! It... It's hard to stop...
Mike Hannigan: Well, come on...
Theodore: Phoebe, these are our friends, Tom and Sue Angle.
Bitsy Hannigan: Phoebe, come sit. Tell us a little bit about yourself... So where are you from?
Phoebe Buffay: Uhm... Okay, well, allright, uhm... Originally I'm from upstate, but uhm... then my mom killed herself and my stepdad went to prison, so... I just moved to the city where uhm... I actually lived in a burned out Buick LeSabre for a while... which was okay, that was okay, until uhm... I got hepatitis, you know, 'cause this pimp spit in my mouth and... but I... I got over it and uhm... anyway, now I'm uhm... a freelance massage therapist, uhm... which, you know, isn't always steady money but at least I don't pay taxes, huh... So... where does everyone summer?
Phoebe Buffay: God! God! This is not going well.
Mike Hannigan: No, no, no, you're doing fine, really... Why don't you go talk to my dad?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, okay, okay, okay... Still sure about me being myself?
Mike Hannigan: Absolutely! Or maybe just a little less pimp spit.
Phoebe Buffay: So Theodore... I uhm... I can see where Mike gets his good looks from...
Theodore: Oh... Well...
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah... And that physique! You must work out all the time...
Theodore: Oh no, not all the time... I do the best I can...
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah I bet! Look out!
Theodore: OH! OWWWWW!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, are you okay?
Theodore: I recently had surgery.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm so sorry!
Theodore: No, I'll be fine... I just should check the stitches...
Phoebe Buffay: I really, really am sorry.
Theodore: How could you know. Why wouldn't you punch me in the stomach?
Mike Hannigan: Uhm... Did you just hit my dad?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes... I'm sorry, I've never met a boyfriends parents before...
Mike Hannigan: But, I mean, you have met... humans before, right? Look, why don't you go talk to my mom?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah okay... yeah, your mom... okay... She looks nice, I can talk to her.
Mike Hannigan: Yeah, you do that, and I go check my dad for signs of internal bleeding.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah... Oh Bitsy, hi. Uhm... listen I just wanted to thank you again for having me here tonight.
Bitsy Hannigan: Well, not at all...
Phoebe Buffay: Also uhm... I just want you to know what a wonderful man your son is.
Bitsy Hannigan: Thank you, I think so too.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, and you know, it really is a testament to how he was raised. Especially to you. Because he's very respectful of women.
Bitsy Hannigan: Is he really?
Phoebe Buffay: Are you kidding. He is so considerate of my feelings and... you know I think... you'd also like to know that he is a very gentle lover.
Bitsy Hannigan: E-e-excuse me?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't get me wrong. No, he's not in like a sissy way. No, no, no... when he gets going, he can rattle a headboard like a sailor on leave...
Bitsy Hannigan: That's... my boy.
Mike Hannigan: Awesome!
Chandler Bing: I'm not gonna watch it... I don't NEED to watch it... I mean, what good could possibly come from watching? Well, we know I'm gonna watch it.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey dude, what's up?
Chandler Bing: Don't judge me, I'm only human!
Joey Tribbiani: Did you take that tape?
Chandler Bing: I had to! Okay, imagine you were married... and you found a tape of your wife in another guys' apartment... Wouldn't you need to know what was on it?
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. Who'm I'm married to?
Chandler Bing: Some girl...!?
Joey Tribbiani: She hot?
Chandler Bing: Yeah...!?
Joey Tribbiani: How did she get me to settle down?
Chandler Bing: Allright, I'm gonna watch it... I mean look, it's probably not even what I think it is... And even if it is... It can't possibly be as bad as what I'm picturing in my head... Can it?
Joey Tribbiani: Guess I don't know. My experience: if a girl says yes to being taped... She doesn't say no to much else, I tell ya...
Chandler Bing: Then you're gonna have to watch it for me.
Joey Tribbiani: What? Whoo... What?
Chandler Bing: Just for a few seconds, so I can know what it is... Please?
Joey Tribbiani: All right, fine... But if I enjoy this, you have only yourself to blame...
Chandler Bing: Why am I hearing cheering?
Joey Tribbiani: Well it's okay, its like... its just a football game.
Chandler Bing: Football? Just football?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, see... you were all worried for nothing.
Chandler Bing: It's football... It's just football... This is great! This is the first time I've ever enjoyed football... It may be customary to get a beer... What the... What are you doing?
Joey Tribbiani: You don't wanna see what I just saw!
Monica Geller: What are you guys doing? Oh my God, is that Richard?
Rachel Green: Okay... aahhh... Please laugh for mommy... Please? Please laugh for mommy... Not funny huh? Oh so, is it... only offensive novelty rap? Or maybe just, you know, rap in general? 'Cause mommy can rap... My name is mommy and I'm here to say / that all the babies are... Oh, I can't rap... Allright sweetheart... This is only because I love you so much, and I know that you're not gonna tell anybody... I like... big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers can't deny... / when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face... Yes! Yes! Yes! YES! Oohhhhh! Oh! I like big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers can't deny... Oh Emma you're laughing! Oh you are, you really do like big butts, don't you. Oh you beautiful little weirdo...
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: Oh you missed it. She was laughing. Oh it was amazing. It was amazing. It was the most beautiful, beautiful sound that...
Ross Geller: Oh I know, isn't it? Ooh... what'd you do to get her to laugh?
Rachel Green: Oh! You know, I just... couple of things I tried ... I just sang a little doo... Itsy Bitsy Spider...
Ross Geller: You sang Baby Got Back didn't you?
Rachel Green: Nothing else worked. That girl is all about the ass...
Phoebe Buffay: ...and then it goes back to the chorus... Smelly cat, Sme-lly ca-t / I-t's not your fau-lt. And that's the end of the song... I realise that you didn't ask to hear it, but uhm... no-one had spoken in seventeen minutes.
Mike Hannigan: Phoebe writes lots of great songs. Wha... What was that one you sang the other night that everybody just loved?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, Pervert Parade?
Mike Hannigan: No...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, Ode To A Pubic Hair?
Mike Hannigan: Stop!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh God! Is that veal?
Mike Hannigan: Mom, I thought I told you... Phoebe's a vegetarian.
Bitsy Hannigan: Oh!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, no, no, no... That's okay, that's okay... I mean, I'm... I am a vegetarian... except for veal... Yeah no, veal I love...
Mike Hannigan: Phoebe you don't have to eat...
Phoebe Buffay: No, no, no, I actually it's any baby animals: kittens, fish babies... You know... especially veal... and this, this nice vein of fat running through it... Hmmm... yummy Hmmm...
Mike Hannigan: So...? What do you think?
Monica Geller: So you stole that tape from Richard's apartment?
Chandler Bing: Whoho ho... Listen to the judgement from the porn star!
Monica Geller: That tape was never meant to be seen by... Joey I would feel more comfortable if I was having this conversation in private.
Joey Tribbiani: Monica, look... I don't think you and I have any secrets anymore... Not ready to joke about it yet, okay, I see you later.
Monica Geller: Why in the world would you take this tape and and why would you watch it?
Chandler Bing: Because that's who I am, okay? I'm sure a mature man like Richard could see a tape like that and it wouldn't bother him. Just'd be another saucy anecdote for him to share at his men's club over brandy and moustaches.
Monica Geller: Is all this about you not being able to grow a moustache?
Chandler Bing: This is about you and Richard. He's clearly not over you. He keeps a tape so he can... look at it whenever he wants.
Monica Geller: Isn't that sad? I mean, can you see how pathetic that is? You shouldn't be jealous. You should feel bad for him.
Chandler Bing: Oh, yeah, well, poor Richard. Y'... I can grow a moustache!
Monica Geller: Chandler, this is not our problem. We've got each other. That's all that matters.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, oh, but I just keep picturing you rolling around with him with your cowboy boots in the air...
Monica Geller: Cowboy boots? I've never worn cowboy boots in my whole life!
Chandler Bing: Oh, good, good. Play more, 'cause I wanna see how it ends.
Monica Geller: THAT'S NOT ME!
Chandler Bing: What...? That's not you! Life is good again! Ride 'em cowgirl!
Monica Geller: That bastard taped over me!
Chandler Bing: Is that a problem?
Monica Geller: I-It's just so insulting! Big spring for a new blank tape, Doctor!
Theodore: I can't imagine what he sees in her.
Bitsy Hannigan: She actually makes me miss that pill-popping ex-wife of his. Oh, hello dear...
Mike Hannigan: Hey, what's going on?
Bitsy Hannigan: We were just chit-chatting. How's your friend?
Mike Hannigan: A little better.
Bitsy Hannigan: By the way, do you know who's moving back into town? Tom and Sue's daughter Jen.
Theodore: You remember her Michael, she's lovely and... well behaved and... single.
Mike Hannigan: I'm not interested.
Bitsy Hannigan: Oh, please darling, let's be honest. You can have all the... sailor fun you want with that one, but... let's be real...
Mike Hannigan: All right, stop! You know, all Phoebe has done tonight is trying to get you to like her. And maybe that hasn't been clear all the time, but she did her best. And yeah... She's a little different than you are...
Bitsy Hannigan: Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth!
Mike Hannigan: So what? I mean if even I can get past that, it shouldn't bother you. And you don't have to like her. You just have to accept the fact that I do. I mean, if you even can't be civil to the woman I love...
Bitsy Hannigan: The woman you what?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah... The woman you what?
Mike Hannigan: The woman I love... I love you... Which is probably something I shouldn't say for the first time in front of my parents... and Tom and Sue...Who are by the way the most sinfully boring I've ever met in my life...
Phoebe Buffay: I love you too...
Mike Hannigan: You do?
Phoebe Buffay: YEAH...! How great is this...?
Mike Hannigan: Wanna get out of here?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Mike Hannigan: Mom, dad, thanks for dinner.
Phoebe Buffay: I had a great time. It was really top drawer. And Here's Something Rich thirteen bathrooms in this place... I threw up in the coat closet... Ta taaa...
Ross Geller: She sweat, wet. got it going like a turbo 'vette.
Rachel Green: So fellas.
Ross Geller: Yeah!
Rachel Green: fellas.
Ross Geller: Yeah!
Rachel Green: has your girlfriend got the butt?
Ross Geller: Hell yeah!
Rachel Green: So shake it!
Ross Geller: Shake it!
Rachel Green: Shake it!
Ross Geller: Shake it!
Rachel Green: Shake that nasty butt...
Ross Geller: Baby got back.
Rachel Green: One more time from the top... I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other br...
Ross Geller: Rachel please! That is so inappropriate!


Monica Geller: Hey Hon, could you help me get the plates down?
Chandler Bing: Yeah. Hey, here's an idea, why don't we use our wedding china today?
Monica Geller: No, I think we should save our china for something really special. Like if the Queen of England comes over.
Chandler Bing: Honey, she keeps canceling on us, take the hint.
Monica Geller: What if something gets broken, they're so expensive.
Chandler Bing: What is the point of having them if we never use them?
Monica Geller: Ok, but if something gets broken, and then the Queen comes over..
Chandler Bing: I will explain it to her.
Monica Geller: Oh yeah, like I'm going to let you talk to the queen.
Joey Tribbiani: wow, the parade is really good this year. Man those horses can crap.
Tv Announcer: Next up is a marching band from Muskogee, OK.
Chandler Bing: Muskogee! That's like four hours from Tulsa. Woo hoo!
Tv Announcer: And heres the float with the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives .
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God!
Chandler Bing: Aren't you one of the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! I totally forgot I'm supposed to be there. I can't believe I forgot. I usually write stuff like this on my arm. Oh! Stupid long sleeves.
Chandler Bing: What are you going to do?
Joey Tribbiani: I guess I'm going to have to come up with a really good reason why I wasn't there. The producers are going to be so mad at me. They sat us all down yesterday and said "Everyone has to be there at 6:00 AM sharp, that means you Tribbiani." Like.. like I was some kind of idiot.
Chandler Bing: Well you proved them wrong.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Ross and Rachels Apartment.
Rachel Green: Oh Emma. This is going to be your first Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for? Mommy's bobbies.
Ross Geller: A lot of people are thankful for those.
Woman At Door: Hello? Rachel?
Rachel Green: Who is it?
Woman At Door: It's your favorite sister. Ross and Rachel while looking at each other surprised and shocked: Jill? Woman at door in a sing song voice: Amy.
Rachel Green: Hide my rings.
Rachel Green: Oh. Amy! Happy Thanksgiving.
Amy Green: Do you have a hair straightener?
Rachel Green: Um... hi.
Amy Green: oh... hi..
Rachel Green: Aw.
Amy Green: Hair Straightener?
Rachel Green: I haven't seen you in like.. a year.
Amy Green: Oh, I know, I know. I've just been crazed.
Rachel Green: Oh well yeah me too. Um.. I had a baby.
Amy Green: I decorated Dad's office.
Rachel Green: Oh.. yeah? Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing.
Amy Green: Listen, um about the hair straightener, honey.. I really need one. I'm going to have dinner at my boyfriend's house.
Amy Green: Oh my God!
Rachel Green: mh hmm..
Amy Green: Is this Emmett?
Rachel Green: Uh... its Emma.
Amy Green: Its a girl?
Ross Geller: Hey Amy.
Rachel Green: Oh Amy, you remember Ross.
Amy Green: Not really. But you are much cuter then that geeky guy she used to date.
Ross Geller: That was me.
Amy Green: No, he was this creepy guy from high school who had this huge crush on her since like the ninth grade. Ross with a look of wondering how long this is going to go on on his face: Still me.
Amy Green: No, I'm not talking about you. It was your fat friends brother with that bad afro, do you remember? Ross starts talking over her 'do you remember' line: Amy. I'm going to save you some time, ok. All me. Monica and Chandler's Apartment.
Monica Geller: Careful. Careful. CAREFUL! Sorry.
Chandler Bing: I'll tell you what, for the rest of our lives, I'll be careful until told otherwise. hey wait a minute this isn't the china we picked out..
Monica Geller: I know, after you left the store, I chose different ones.
Chandler Bing: Why?
Monica Geller: well no offense honey, but your taste is a little feminine for me.
Chandler Bing: Oh suddenly, flowers are feminine?
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey happy Thanksgiving.. Pheebs!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, what's going on Joe?
Joey Tribbiani: I.. I.. I need a good lie.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh okay. How about the whole "man walking on the moon" thing. You know? You. you could. You could see the strings people!
Joey Tribbiani: No, no, no I need a good lie to explain why I wasn't at a work thing today.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, honey. You stink at lying.
Joey Tribbiani: I do not.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh really. Okay. let me ask you something. Yesterday at the coffee house, I went to the bathroom and when I came back, my muffin was gone-who took it?
Joey Tribbiani: Somebody opened the door to the coffee house and a raccoon came running in, went straight for your muffin and I said "Hey don't eat that-that's Phoebe's" and he said.. He said.. "Joey you stink at lying." What am I going to do?
Phoebe Buffay: Don't worry, don't worry. We'll come up with a good lie. I'll help you practice it.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh great, that'd be great. Thank you.
Phoebe Buffay: Sure, what.. what was the work thing?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh..
Phoebe Buffay: "Pick up grandma at the airport"?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh.. man.. Ross and Rachel's Apartment.
Amy Green: Oh she's precious. Do you ever worry she's going to get your real nose?
Rachel Green: Amy! Yes I do.. I really do.
Amy Green: Hello? Yeah, um. Hang on one sec. Can I take this upstairs?
Ross Geller: Sure, we don't live there but...
Amy Green: Seriously? Its.. its just these rooms? I thought you were a doctor.
Rachel Green: Yeah, no. Ross has a PhD.
Amy Green: Ew.
Rachel Green: God she is unbelievable.
Ross Geller: I know, I mean a PhD is just as good as an MD.
Rachel Green: Oh sure Ross, yeah. If I have a heart attack in a restaurant, I want you there with your fossil brush.
Amy Green: Stupid Thanksgiving.
Rachel Green: What? What happened?
Amy Green: My boyfriend canceled on me. I mean.. I I finally find a real relationship. I mean, someone that I can spend this day with and then his wife comes back into town. I swear, its almost not worth dating married guys.
Ross Geller: Don't say that.
Amy Green: Oh. I was so looking forward to this. It was going to be such a beautiful Thanksgiving. We were going to have sushi.
Rachel Green: Oh Amy, don't cry Amy. Um.. Ross, could I talk to you in private?
Ross Geller: Sure, you want to go upstairs?
Rachel Green: Um look I was thinking.. If its ok with Monica I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving.
Ross Geller: You know, I think thats a great idea. It'll be like the pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.
Rachel Green: Look I know she's a little tough to take. She has no where else to go, and she's my sister. Alright, she's Emma's aunt. And I would like them to bond.
Ross Geller: Ok, fine, but I don't want them bonding to much. I don't want her telling Emma she needs a nose job.
Rachel Green: Ross, you know what? She may need one..We're just going to have to make our peace with that! Monica and Chandler's apartment.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Everyone: Hi, hey.
Rachel Green: Hey you guys, this is my sister Amy. This is Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and you know Mon.
Everyone: Hi.
Amy Green: Oh my god. You're on Days of Our Lives.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Amy Green: wow. They must put a lot of makeup on you.
Joey Tribbiani: Hap.. Hap.. Happy Thanksgiving.
Ross Geller: Hi.
Monica Geller: Hi.
Monica Geller: Hey you.
Monica Geller: So. Welcome. Is this your first time you're seeing Emma?
Amy Green: Yeah I.. I think so. It's nice to meet you Emma.
Phoebe Buffay: Phoe-Be.
Amy Green: Oh. That's a funny noise.
Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs, I still need some help here.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh right, ok um. Ok so its not just the lie you tell. but its the way you tell it. . For example if you look down at the ground when you're talking, people know you're lying.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh.. I don't know why this is so hard for me. you know.. I mean lying is basically just acting and I am a terrfic actor.
Phoebe Buffay: You are a terrific actor.
Amy Green: Hey. Hey where's the baby?
Rachel Green: Oh we just put her down for a nap.
Amy Green: Oh I was just thinking. You know what would be incredible? If you guys died. Ross first has a look of 'huh' then changes it to sarcastic happy: Thank you Amy.
Amy Green: no, no, then I would get the baby. I mean you know it would be just like a movie. Like at first I wouldn't know what to do with her, then I would rise to the occasion and and then I would get a makeover and then I'd get married.
Phoebe Buffay: Thats a great movie.
Amy Green: Now listen, not that you guys could stop me or anything cause you know you'd be dead. I was thinking about changing her name. I'm just not really a big fan of Emily.
Ross Geller: Emma.
Amy Green: Emma, Ross wants you.
Phoebe Buffay: PHOE-BE.
Amy Green: Why does she keep making that noise?
Rachel Green: Honey, I don't know how to tell you this, but um, if something were to happen to Ross or to myself um you wouldn't get the baby.
Amy Green: Well who would?
Ross Geller: Well we haven't offically asked them yet, but we would want Monica and Chandler.
Chandler Bing: I can't believe you'd want us to raise Emma.
Monica Geller: yeah oh my god, I'm so moved.
Amy Green: I don't believe this, hold on a second. You guys die and I don't get your baby?
Rachel Green: See look Amy, we're a lot closer to Monica and Chandler. We see them every day. And truthfully honey, you don't seem very connected to the baby.
Amy Green: Connected? I mean.. to what? She's.. she's a lump.
Chandler Bing: You know, guys I got to say. This means so much to me. That you would trust me with your child. I mean, we all know that Monica and I have been trying to have a baby of our own. You know I've had my doubts about my skills as a father, but that you two.. that you two...
Amy Green: This guy? Seriously? Later in the day.
Monica Geller: Okay! It's time for dinner. Everyone we're using our fancy china.. um and its very expensive so please be careful.
Ross Geller: Woah. Woah... Woah.
Monica Geller: Okay, just to be clear comedy with the plates will not be well recieved. Ross makes some sort of sound to let us know it hurt.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! How come my plate's less fancy then everyone else's? Do you not trust me with a fancy plate?
Monica Geller: No, honey, its. thats a special plate. See its a game, whoever gets that plate wins.
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe I won.
Amy Green: Its such a slap in the face. I'm your sister and you would give your baby to these strangers over me.
Rachel Green: Monica is Ross' sister.
Amy Green: No, Ross' sister was really fat.
Monica Geller: That was me.
Amy Green: No, she was this really dorky girl in high school that used to follow Rachel around like a puppy dog.
Rachel Green: Hey. Amy. You've got to stop doing that. Monica about to have a heart attack: Okay, listen I know you're having a little bit of a family crisis, but you don't have to take it out on the plates. I mean, I mean in fact I think that everyone should cut their food like this.
Monica Geller: Now see, this way you protect the plate.. and lets face it you have fun.
Amy Green: Okay, how about this, you guys die and the crazy plate lady dies, then do I get the baby?
Chandler Bing: No, if crazy plate lad.. If Monica dies then I would get Emma, Right?
Rachel Green: Well actually...
Chandler Bing: Actually what?
Ross Geller: well.. its just. its just in that case, then um. Emma would go to my parents.
Chandler Bing: What?
Amy Green: Hurts, doesn't it?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh.. who has to die for me to get her? Commercial Break.
Chandler Bing: So if Monica's not around, then I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross Geller: No, that that is not what we're saying.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah he's lying. He looked down.
Chandler Bing: Well what is wrong with me? Am I .. am I incomptent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!
Rachel Green: Honey, you're taking this the wrong way. We think you're going to be a wonderful parent. It's just.. you're more the fun parent.
Ross Geller: Yeah and we'd want to make sure Emma has someone like Monica who is more uh. uh discliplinarin.. someone who can be firm and strict.
Monica Geller: Thats not how you see me, is it? Phoebe while cutting a sweet potatoe in the air: No you're all about the fun.
Chandler Bing: Look, I may not know a lot about babies, but do you really think I'm not capable?
Ross Geller: No, you both are equally capable. Its just.. you're strongest when.. when you're together.
Chandler Bing: Ok. So if we both had Emma and I die she'd have to give her up.
Ross Geller: Sure, Monica would have to give her up.
Joey Tribbiani: I lie better then that, right?
Chandler Bing: So.. let me get this straight. So my two friends die, I get Emma. Then my wife dies, then Emma the one tiny ray of hope left in my life gets taken away from me?
Phoebe Buffay: There's your movie! Later on. Monica opens her front door. Chandler is sitting in the hallway.
Monica Geller: Hey. There you are. You disappeared after dinner.
Chandler Bing: Oh? Did somebody miss me? Is there a child to raise poorly?
Monica Geller: Ross and Rachel don't know what they're talking about. I mean its not like their so responsible. Emma is a product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom.
Chandler Bing: Yeah but they're right. I mean, I'm not a strong father figure and I never will be.
Monica Geller: No you learn these things. You grow into it.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, but its not who I am. Everything they said was exaclty why I was worried about having a kid. And its true. And look everybody knows it.
Monica Geller: I don't know it! I want to have a kid with you because I think you're going to be an amazing dad... at the fun parts and the hard parts.
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, well can you picture me saying "Go to your room! You're grounded"?
Monica Geller: Can you hear me say "You're grounded"?
Chandler Bing: You said that to me last week.
Monica Geller: How hard is it? No shoes on the furniture. Back to Monica and Chandler's apartment. Amy is sitting on a chair by the bay window looking mad. Joey groans and gets off the phone: The producer from Days left a message on my machine asking why I wasn't at the parade. They said everybody's pissed off at me.. And they all got to meet Santa!
Phoebe Buffay: It's ok. I thought of the perfect lie for you. It's easy to remember and doesn't invite a lot of questions. You weren't at the parade because you had a family emergency.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I like that, yeah. Wasn't at the parade because I had a family emergency.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, what happened? Joey all nervous and looking down and fiddling with his ear: Oh.. My sister's raccoon.
Phoebe Buffay: No! Nothing with a raccoon.
Joey Tribbiani: Arg... Alright, I'll take care of it. Monica and Chandler come through the front door.
Monica Geller: Oh wait.. What are you doing?
Joey Tribbiani: Setting the table.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah we thought it would be nice to use the fancy china for dessert too.
Monica Geller: Oh how nice. Maybe later we can all go blow our noses on my wedding dress. Ross comes out of the guest bedroom with the diaper bag and the car seat carrying thingy.. yeah.. thats the techinal term.. He goes to Chandler.
Ross Geller: Hey dude, you okay? Sorry about before.
Chandler Bing: Oh no thats okay, you're totally right. I don't know anything about disciplining a child. But it did hurt my feelings and I want you to know that when I die, you don't get Joey. Ross walks away with a face of yeah ok. Amy walks over to the couch and sits down next to Rachel: Ucch. Uchh In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not talking to you.
Rachel Green: UCHH!
Amy Green: You know.. this.. this is classic Rachel.
Rachel Green: Yeah.. yeah right.. Remember in high school when I died and didn't give you my baby?
Amy Green: This might be my one chance to have a baby Rachel. I mean, you know that I have been so busy focusing on my carrer.
Rachel Green: What? What carrer?
Amy Green: Um.. I'm a decorator.
Rachel Green: Ok. You decorate dad's office and so now you're a decorator. Okay! I went to the zoo yesterday and now I'm a koala bear.
Amy Green: Why can't you ever be supportive?
Rachel Green: Sup.. You want to talk supportive? You didn't even come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby.
Amy Green: Oh. Yeah. Well.. You didn't come see me when I was in the hospital when I was getting my lips done.
Rachel Green: I did the first time! Oh. Oh.. And you know what. You want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you.
Ross Geller: Emma.
Rachel Green: Oh whose side are you on? I'm not giving you Emma because there is no way you could handle the responibility of a child.
Amy Green: How hard could it be? You do it.
Joey Tribbiani: ooh oooh..
Amy Green: Do you want to know why you don't want me to have the baby?
Rachel Green: uh huh.
Amy Green: Because you don't want me to be happy. You.. you have always been jealous of me.
Rachel Green: Jealous of what? Of your lack of responsiblity? You, your immaturity? Your total disregard of other people's feelings?
Amy Green: Uh.. To name a few. You know.. You know.. You've just always been like this. You just have to have everything. And I couldn't have anything. Like in junior high, when you stole Timmy from me. I mean, do you even realize how much that hurt me?
Rachel Green: Timmy was my boyfriend and you made out with him!
Amy Green: Oh come on, that was 20 years ago. Get over it.
Rachel Green: I cannot, I cannot believe that I invited you here today.
Amy Green: Yeah, well you know what I cannot believe. That my so-called sister, gets a 30% discount from Ralph Lauren and I still have to pay retail.
Rachel Green: ah ha ha. ah ha ha. It's forty five.
Amy Green: You bitch. You just think you're so perfect. With your new baby and your, your small apartment. Well let me tell you something. Your baby isn't even that cute.
Ross Geller: Too far, Amy. Too far.
Rachel Green: You take that back.
Amy Green: No.
Rachel Green: Take it back!
Amy Green: No! What are you going to do? Make me?
Rachel Green: Heey man, I work out.
Amy Green: So do I.
Rachel Green: I do pilates.
Amy Green: I do yoga.
Rachel Green: Bring it on!
Monica Geller: Put the plates in the boxes!! Put the plates in the boxes!
Rachel Green: Did you just push me?
Amy Green: Uh, yeah I think I did.
Rachel Green: Alright. Thats it!
Monica Geller: Forget the bubblewrap! There isn't time! Rachel starts messing up Amy's hair: Frizzy frizzy frizzy frizzy!!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my god! Shouldn't we stop this?
Joey Tribbiani: What? Are you out of your mind? Lets throw some jello on them.
Rachel Green: Ew! Gross.
Chandler Bing: Alright! That is it. This is our apartment and you can not behave this way. Now if you can't act your age then you shouldn't be here at all. Now those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones I picked out, but they're very important to Monica. I want you to apologize to her right now.
Amy Green: I'm sorry.
Rachel Green: Mon, I'm so sorry.
Chandler Bing: Okay. Thats better. Now I want you to both apologize to each other and mean it.
Chandler Bing: By the way, that fight was totally arousing.
Ross Geller: Dude. Well done. You know what? If I die, and Rachel dies and Monica dies then you can totally take care of Emma.
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah? Well thanks.
Ross Geller: So, so now do I get Joey?
Chandler Bing: Okay, but you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose.
Rachel Green: Are you okay Mon?
Monica Geller: uh huh.. I mean these things happen. Its' just a plate. Its not like somebody died.
Phoebe Buffay: It's all right. You can mourn.
Monica Geller: Thank you. It was so beautiful. I'm going to go to Joeys and get the pies.
Joey Tribbiani: Actually its not pies, its just pie.
Monica Geller: I don't care. Oh my god. I've lost the will to scold.
Rachel Green: Look Amy, it got a little of control..Um.. and I'm sorry. You're my sister and uh.. if it really means that much to you..
Amy Green: So you're going to give me the baby?
Rachel Green: Uh. No.. I was going to let you use my Ralph Lauren discount.
Amy Green: You are not going to regret this.
Rachel Green: She needs changing.
Chandler Bing: Oh no no no.. I'll get her. I'm super-compentent and totally responsibile and fourth in line to raise Emma. I'll be right there Emma. Just let me get my trusty diaper bag here. Well.. what do you know? I guess, I'll be the one who dies first.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, does Monica know about her broken plates yet?
Chandler Bing: Nope...
Phoebe Buffay: Broke them all, huh?
Chandler Bing: Yep...
Phoebe Buffay: You gonna tell her?
Chandler Bing: Nope... Hey... so I'm gonna... put the plates back. You know, I think you were right, I don't think we should use these plates again for a looong time.
Monica Geller: Like only if the queen comes?
Chandler Bing: Maybe not even then.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! I did it. I called my producer. I told him I had a family emergency, he totally bought it. Thanks for teaching me how to lie Pheebs.
Phoebe Buffay: No problem! Next week: stealing...
Monica Geller: Bye plates!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you told her you broke all the plates, huh?
Monica Geller: What? Something happened with the plates?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhm... Yeah... this uhm... raccoon came in...


Jo Lynn: This kitty is Mittens and this one is Fitzhugh, and this little guy in the cat condo is Jinkies.
Chandler Bing: Yep. That's a lot of cats Jo Lynn. Single are ya?
Chandler Bing: Chandler Bing.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey. How come you're answering your own phone? Where's your crazy assistant?
Chandler Bing: What's up Joe?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, what have we always wanted to do together?
Chandler Bing: Braid each other's hair and ride horseback on the beach?
Joey Tribbiani: No, no, no. When you get home tomorrow night, you and I are going to be at the Wizzards-Knicks game . . . courtside!
Chandler Bing: Courtside? Oh my God.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Maybe Michael Jordon will dive for the ball and break my jaw with his knee.
Chandler Bing: That's so cool. I'll let Monica know.
Monica Geller: Hello?
Chandler Bing: Joey just called. He's got courtside Knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night.
Monica Geller: Really? But tomorrow night is the only night I get off from the restaurant. If you go to the game, we won't have a night together for another week.
Chandler Bing: But hey, it's courtside. The cheerleaders are going to be right in fr. . . That's not the way to convince you.
Monica Geller: Chandler look, I don't want to be one of those wives who says, "You can't go to the game. You have to spend time with me." So, if you could just realize it on your own . . .
Chandler Bing: I know. You're right. I want to see you too. I've just got to figure out a way to tell Joey, you know? He's really looking forward to this.
Monica Geller: Tell him that you haven't seen your wife in a long time. Tell him that having a long-distance relationship is really difficult. Tell him that what little time we have is precious.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, ah, ah . . . I'll think of something.
Ross Geller: Wow! Wow, You look . . . uh . . . It's just, ah . . . That dress . . . uh . . .
Rachel Green: Well, I hope the ends of these sentences are good.
Ross Geller: Well, well, they're good. It's been a while since I've seen you like this. You, you clean up good.
Rachel Green: Oh well, well thank you. Okay, stop. Stop looking at me like that. The last time that happened, that happened.
Ross Geller: Oh right, right. So, are you . . . ah . . . you excited about your, your first night away from Emma?
Rachel Green: Yeah, yeah. Phoebe and I are going to have so much fun. And thank you for watching the baby, by the way.
Ross Geller: Oh, it's fine. Actually, I, I invited Mike over.
Rachel Green: Phoebe's Mike?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: I didn't know you guys hung out.
Ross Geller: We don't. But I thought it would be nice to get to know him. You know, maybe have a little dinner, drinks, conversation.
Rachel Green: Oh that's so cute: Ross and Mike's first date. Is that going to be awkward? I mean, what are you guys going to talk about?
Ross Geller: I don't know. But, you know, we, we have a lot in common, you know. He plays piano; I played keyboards in college. He's been divorced; I have some experience in that area.
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi.
Rachel Green: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Oooh. Girl's night out indeed.
Rachel Green: Ok. So now, I think Emma is probably down for the night, but if you need anything Ross . . .
Ross Geller: Rach, Rach, we'll be fine, all right? You go have fun.
Rachel Green: Okay. You too. And I hope you score. Bye.
Mike Hannigan: Bye.
Ross Geller: So . . . Welcome.
Mike Hannigan: I got beer.
Ross Geller: I got bottled breast milk.
Mike Hannigan: Eh, why don't we start with the beer?
Ross Geller: Okay. So, um, Phoebe tells me you, ah, you play piano.
Mike Hannigan: Yeah.
Ross Geller: You know, I, I used to, ah, play keyboards in college.
Mike Hannigan: Ah? Do you have one here?
Ross Geller: No.
Mike Hannigan: Okay.
Ross Geller: Um . . . ah . . . you know, I'm divorced. Um, Phoebe, ah . . . Phoebe said you . . . You've been divorced?
Mike Hannigan: Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't . . . I don't really like to talk about it.
Ross Geller: That's okay. We'll talk about something else.
Mike Hannigan: So, you're a paleontologist, right?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Mike Hannigan: My cousin's a paleontologist.
Ross Geller: Ah? Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh God. Remember the girls' nights we used to have sitting around talking about you and Ross?
Rachel Green: Oh God. It seems like forever ago.
Phoebe Buffay: I know. So, what's going on with you and Ross?
Rachel Green: Well, um . . . I don't know. I mean, for a long time nothing. But you know, actually right before you picked me up, Ross and I had a . . . ah . . . little thing.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! I love things. What happened?
Rachel Green: Well, um, first he told me he liked how I looked. And, ah, then we had a little . . . um . . . eye-contact.
Phoebe Buffay: Eye-contact?
Rachel Green: Mm-hmm.
Phoebe Buffay: I hope you were using protection.
Waiter: Excuse me. Um, these are from the two gentlemen at the end of the bar.
Rachel Green: Oh. Should we send them something back?
Phoebe Buffay: Oooh. Let's do. Let's send them mashed potatoes.
Rachel Green: No! Wait! No, no. Don't do that! That's going to make them think they can come over here.
Phoebe Buffay: So? What if they do?
Rachel Green: Well, we're not here to meet guys. You have a boyfriend, I have a b. . . baby and a Ross.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but, ah, ah, nothing has to happen. We're just having fun. You know, not everything had to go as far as "eye-contact."
Monica Geller: Chandler, you have to tell Joey that you're not in Tulsa.
Chandler Bing: Don't you think it's better for him to think that you're cheating on me, than for him to think that I'm cheating on him? I heard it.
Monica Geller: I don't want him to think that I'm having an affair.
Chandler Bing: All right. I've got a plan. I'll go down the fire escape.
Monica Geller: Yes, because all good plans start with, "I'll go down the fire escape."
Chandler Bing: Hear me out woman. I'll go down the fire escape. Then, I'll wait for a while. Then, when I come up the stairs, it'll be just like I just got back from Tulsa. Then, Joey and I will come in and see that there's no guy in here.
Monica Geller: Aren't you afraid that Joey's going to figure all of this out? I heard it.
Chandler Bing: I'm just going to wait for a little while.
Monica Geller: Scary pigeon's back?
Chandler Bing: It's huge.
Rachel Green: Oh my God. I can't believe you live in that building. My grandmother lives in that building. Ida Green? No sense of personal space? Kind of smells like chicken? Looks like a potato.
Bill: "Spuds" is your grandmother?
Rachel Green: That's my bubby!
Kevin: So, we're on our way to a couple of parties. Um. . . maybe we can get your numbers and give you guys a call if we find something fun.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. . . I'm sorry. We weren't really looking for anything to happen with you guys. I, I have a boyfriend.
Kevin: All right. It's no big deal.
Bill: So, she has a boyfriend. What is your situation?
Rachel Green: Oh, well, it's complicated. I don't actually have a boyfriend. But um. . .
Bill: Then, can I have your number?
Rachel Green: I'm sorry, no.
Bill: Okay.
Rachel Green: Oh sure.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God, you're giving your real number.
Bill: Okay, thanks. I'll give you a call later tonight.
Rachel Green: Great.
Bill: Bye.
Phoebe Buffay: Bye. Wow. So, that's great. You, Bill, Ross, and Emma are going to be so happy together. What were you thinking?
Rachel Green: I don't know. He was cute, and he liked me. It was an impulse.
Phoebe Buffay: What about Ross? What about your moment? Don't you want to talk to Ross about it?
Rachel Green: No. No, because I know exactly how the conversation's gonna go. "Hey Ross, you know, I think we had a moment before."
Rachel Green: "Yeah." "Me too."
Rachel Green: "Well, but I'm not sure I really want to do anything about it."
Rachel Green: "Yeah." "Me neither."
Rachel Green: "Well, should we just continue to live together and not really tell each other how we're really feeling?"
Rachel Green: "Yeah. That works for me."
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I see what you mean. By the way, nice Ross imitation.
Rachel Green: Oh, thanks.
Phoebe Buffay: But, your Rachel wasn't whiny enough.
Rachel Green: Wha. . . hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Better!
Rachel Green: Well, the point is, maybe I should just stop waiting around for moments with Ross, you know? I should just . . . move on with my life.
Phoebe Buffay: Really? You're moving on from Ross?
Rachel Green: I don't know. Do I have to decide right now?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, you kind of just did. That guy is going to call you tonight. Ross is going to pick up the phone and that's a pretty clear message.
Rachel Green: Oh God, Ross. Ross is going to pick up the phone. Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh my God. He's gone.
Phoebe Buffay: "Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh my God. He's gone." Dead on.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! That didn't take long. I thought you said Tulsa was, like a three hour flight.
Chandler Bing: Well, you're forgetting about the time difference.
Monica Geller: Chandler! You're home!
Chandler Bing: That's right. You're husband's home. So, now the sex can stop.
Monica Geller: What are you saying?
Chandler Bing: Joey said that you're in here with another man.
Monica Geller: There's no man in here. How dare you accuse me of that.
Joey Tribbiani: All right. All right. Then, maybe you won't mind if me and my friend take a look around, huh? Bwa-ah-ah!
Chandler Bing: What is he doing?
Monica Geller: I arranged some pillows on the bed to look like a guy.
Joey Tribbiani: Bedroom is clear, although you might need some new pillows.
Chandler Bing: All right. Well, I'll check the guest room.
Joey Tribbiani: Why do I smell men's cologne?
Monica Geller: I think that's you.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah. I rubbed a magazine on myself earlier.
Chandler Bing: There's nobody here Joe.
Joey Tribbiani: I guess not.
Monica Geller: I can't believe you thought I was cheating. You own me an apology.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, right Monica. I'm so sorry.
Monica Geller: Ah, it's an honest mistake. It could happen to anyone. All right, see ya.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. If you just got back from Tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here?
Chandler Bing: I climb down the fire escape and you can't put that in the closet?
Mike Hannigan: So, except for the fermentation process, beer and ale are basically the same thing. Fascinating isn't it.
Ross Geller: Maybe you should look up "fascinating."
Mike Hannigan: I'll get it. Hello? Ross's place. Mike speaking. It's for you.
Ross Geller: I don't understand what just happened here.
Joey Tribbiani: What's going on?
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry. I, I told you I was in Tulsa because I wanted to spend the night with Monica and I, I didn't know . . . I didn't think you'd understand.
Joey Tribbiani: What? You think I'm too dumb to understand that a husband needs to be with his wife? Huh? Do you think I'm like, "Duh."
Monica Geller: Joey?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah?
Monica Geller: I don't know what to say. We shouldn't have lied to you.
Chandler Bing: Yeah. I feel so bad. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you could go to the game with me, ah, even though I know you said you couldn't. But then you lied to me and tricked me and gave me a bump on the head.
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry. That's the one thing I can't do. I promised I'd be with Monica.
Joey Tribbiani: All right.
Monica Geller: You can go.
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: You should go to the game. It's okay. I want you to.
Chandler Bing: Really? You're gonna be okay?
Monica Geller: Yeah, I'll be fine. You know, maybe I'll stay here and practice the art of seduction.
Chandler Bing: You're gonna put on sweats and clean, aren't you?
Monica Geller: It's gonna be so hot!
Chandler Bing: Okay, bye.
Monica Geller: Have fun.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks. Here's your ticket.
Chandler Bing: Hey, listen. I'm never going to lie to you again, okay? And I want you to know that nobody thinks you're stupid.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks man.
Joey Tribbiani: Where are you going?
Chandler Bing: Game's tomorrow night Joe.
Ross Geller: Hey you guys.
Mike Hannigan: Hey.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey. I'll be right back. I've got to go to the bathroom.
Mike Hannigan: Stout. That's a kind of beer.


Phoebe Buffay: ...sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle;and away they all flew like the down of a thistle; but I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"
Joey Tribbiani: Wow, that was great! You really wrote that?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh.
Chandler Bing: Say goodbye elves, I'm off to Tulsa.
Monica Geller: I can't believe you're not gonna be here for Christmas.
Ross Geller: You're really not coming back?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, we have all this paperwork that needs to be filed by the end of the year. If I don't get it done, I'll be fired.
Monica Geller: It's so unfair, you don't even like your job!
Chandler Bing: So, who does?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I like my job.
Joey Tribbiani: I *love* my job.
Rachel Green: Yeah, I can't *wait* to go back to work.
Ross Geller: I can't get *enough* dinosaurs!
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry, I won't be here.
Monica Geller: It's just... It's hard enough not seeing you during the week, but for Christmas... alright, if this is what you have to do, I understand.
Chandler Bing: Thanks. I'll see you New Year's Day.
Monica Geller: You're not gonna be here New Year's Eve??
Chandler Bing: Did I not mention that?
Monica Geller: No!
Chandler Bing: AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! *Opening Credits*
Chandler Bing: All right everybody, I know that it's Christmas Eve and you'd rather be with your families, but there's *no* call for writing "Screw you, Mr. Bing!" on the back of my chair! - By the way, you can all call me Chandler.
Wendy: Hey!
Others: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Hey. Where've you been?
Wendy: I was, uh, checking out that insurance company's Christmas party on three, oh, it was really beautiful, they have all these decorations and this huge tree and I just, uh... to hell with them, we have to work. - So I stole ther ham.
Chandler Bing: You hear that? You may not be with your families, but at least it's gonna smell like ham in here.
Claudia: My kid's in a play right now.
Chandler Bing: Y'know what, I know what will cheer you guys up! I had a little talk with the boys in New York, told 'em about all the hard work you've been doing and that a little Christmas bonus may be in order.
Ken: "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet".
Chandler Bing: Well, that's like money in your pocket! - Alright look, you want me to say it? This sucks. Being here sucks! This work sucks!
Wendy: *Now* it feels like Christmas.
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry. Hey, at least you guys get to go home and be with your families tonight. I have to go back to an empty hotel room and lay down on a very questionable bedspread. And then tomorrow morning, you get to have Christmas morning in your own houses, wich, by the way, none of you have invited me to.
Ken: You can come to my house!
Chandler Bing: Haha, no thanks!
Wendy: That was a nice pep-talk.
Chandler Bing: Oh, thanks! I'm... actually thinking about becoming a motivational speaker.
Wendy: So, if you were home right now, what would you be doing?
Chandler Bing: Typical Christmas-y stuff, you know? Our holidays are pretty traditional...
Phoebe Buffay: So here is a, a very special holiday song that I wrote for some very important people to me. "Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap. Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. Said all you need is to write them a song. Now, you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No, don't sing along. Monica, Moncia, have a happy Hanukkah. Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy! And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!" Happy holidays, everybody!
Rachel Green: Okay, Pheebs, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet.
Chandler Bing: I can save you time ladies, I'm right here.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, Chandler why don't you take a walk? This doesn't concern you.
Rachel Green: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.
Chandler Bing: What? That's terrible!
Phoebe Buffay: No-no, we do it every year!
Chandler Bing: Oh well, that, that makes it not terrible.
Phoebe Buffay: No, yeah, we never find them! She's always best at us, that wily... minx.
Rachel Green: Don't worry, we're just gonna search here for an hour, and then we're gonna go over to Joey's and search, OK?
Chandler Bing: No not okay, you can't look for Monica's presents!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, we have to!
Chandler Bing: No, you don't have to, and you can't because I, I live here too.
Phoebe Buffay: Well then, you should look with us.
Chandler Bing: Why?
Rachel Green: Chandler, aren't you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?
Chandler Bing: No, I have a great idea for a present for her.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, that's it? A great idea! Oh yeah.
Rachel Green: Chandler, that's not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you've just gotten her one great present? I mean that's just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why?
Chandler Bing: If I help, we can find 'em faster!
Rachel Green: That's right!
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh ooh, we have a live one!
Rachel Green: Oh, it's a Macy's bag!
Rachel Green: Oh.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, who's it for?
Rachel Green: "Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
Joey Tribbiani: Rach, these are for you.
Rachel Green: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.
Joey Tribbiani: No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do.
Chandler Bing: OK, Pheebs, your turn.
Phoebe Buffay: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh-huh.
Phoebe Buffay: You guuuyys.
Joey Tribbiani: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.
Ross Geller: You got me a cola drink?
Chandler Bing: And, a lemon lime.
Ross Geller: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater.
Chandler Bing: And last but not least.
Joey Tribbiani: They're ribbed for *your* pleasure.
Ross Geller: Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the Festival of Lights?
Ben Geller: Cool!
Ross Geller: Yeah!
Monica Geller: Come on Ben.
Ross Geller: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees...
Chandler Bing: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Ben Geller: Santa!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Ross Geller: What are you doing here, Santa?
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird...turtle-man?
Ross Geller: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence I'd never thought I'd say.
Ross Geller: What are you doing?
Chandler Bing: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!
Ross Geller: Thank you, but, but you, you gotta leave.
Chandler Bing: Why?
Ross Geller: Because, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and you're-you're wrecking it.
Chandler Bing: But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
Ross Geller: I'm sorry Chandler, but this, this is really important to me.
Chandler Bing: Fine, I'll give the suit back.
Monica Geller: Hey, you think, you can keep it another night?
Chandler Bing: Santa? Really?
Monica Geller: Yeah, is that okay?
Chandler Bing: Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa?
Monica Geller: No.
Chandler Bing: Then it's okaaay!
Chandler Bing: You know what, everybody? Go home. You should be with your families. It's bad enough that we're working New Year's Eve.
Chandler Bing: Did I not tell *anyone* about New Year's Eve? - Alright, look, go! Go home, okay? Merry Christmas! Go.
Chandler Bing: Good, God's speed, good people! You're not gonna go?
Wendy: Naah... I couldn't leave you alone.
Chandler Bing: Ah. Thanks.
Wendy: Besides, I can't leave until their Christmas party downstairs clears out; there are some *pissed off* insurance people looking for that ham.
Chandler Bing: Ah. Chandler Bing.
Monica Geller: Hi Honey! We're all here; we just want to wish you a Merry Christmas.
Others: Merry Christmas!
Phoebe Buffay: Ble-blah-blar Blargh!
Chandler Bing: Ahh, Merry Christmas; I miss you guys!
Monica Geller: So is it horrible? Is everybody working really hard?
Chandler Bing: Ah, well no, it's just uh, me and Wendy.
Monica Geller: Wendy? - That sounds like a girl's name.
Chandler Bing: It is. Did I... not tell you about her?
Monica Geller: Umhmm, umhmm, about the time you told me about New Year's Eve. Where is everybody else?
Chandler Bing: I sent them home.
Monica Geller: Ohh, you are such a good boss! Is she pretty?
Chandler Bing: Uhh, uh...
Ross Geller: Answer faster, answer faster!
Chandler Bing: I don't know!
Ross Geller: Answer better, answer better!
Chandler Bing: I don't think of her that way, you know, she's a, she's a colleague.
Monica Geller: What does she do there?
Chandler Bing: Oh, she's regional Vice President; She's... just below me.
Monica Geller: She did WHAT?
Chandler Bing: BE-LOW me!
Joey Tribbiani: Ahh, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma?
Monica Geller: *What*??
Chandler Bing: Well, she... she didn't win...
Monica Geller: Alright, well, maybe I should let you and the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma get back to work.
Chandler Bing: Well, second prettiest that year; I mean, of *all* the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably...
Rachel Green: Oh Chandler, stop talking!
Chandler Bing: Honey, there's really nothing to worry about.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Chandler Bing: I'm serious!
Monica Geller: Okay!
Chandler Bing: Merry Christmas.
Monica Geller: Merry Christmas.
Chandler Bing: Merry Christmas, you guys!
Others: Yeah, Merry... Christmas.
Phoebe Buffay: Blah blargah, blar-blab.
Chandler Bing: The wife says "Hi!".
Wendy: Ah. Fun conversation?
Chandler Bing: Ah well, she's got this weird idea, that, uh, y'know, just because you and I are alone, that something is gonna happen.
Wendy: Huh? Really? - Hm, that'd be so terrible?
Chandler Bing: This is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about, but... you're getting ham on my only tie.
Chandler Bing: Whoa-ho, back off, Missy!
Wendy: ...Missy?
Chandler Bing: I don't know; I'm not used to girls making passes at me! ... Wait a minute... am I sexy in Oklahoma?
Wendy: You are to me...
Chandler Bing: No,... no... NO! Look, I'm, I'm married!
Wendy: So? I'm married.
Chandler Bing: I'm *happily* married.
Wendy: Oh. - What's *that* like?
Chandler Bing: Right. So, I'm sorry...
Wendy: Seriously? Happily married. So that phone call before, that was ... happy?
Chandler Bing: Well look, it's not easy to spend this much time apart, you know. She's entitled to be a little paranoid... or, in this case: right on money! ... You know, she's amazing, and beautiful, and smart, and if she were here right now, ...she'd kick your ass. Look, you're a really nice person... ham stealing and adultery aside. But, what I have with my wife is pretty great, so nothing is ever gonna happen between us.
Wendy: Okay, let me ask you something: if what you and your wife have is so great, then why are you spending Christmas with me?
Chandler Bing: I mean, you were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight!
Monica Geller: Really?
Chandler Bing: You kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms... Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?
Monica Geller: Well, not anymore.
Chandler Bing: But we don't do that.
Monica Geller: I know, I just thought it would be fun.
Chandler Bing: How drunk are you?
Monica Geller: Drunk enough that I know I wanna do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
Chandler Bing: That's the perfect amount!
Monica Geller: Okay!
Monica Geller: Y'know what's weird?
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: This doesn't feel weird!
Chandler Bing: I know.
Monica Geller: You're a really good kisser.
Chandler Bing: Well, I have kissed over four women. Do you wanna get under the covers?
Monica Geller: Hm-hmm!
Chandler Bing: Okay!
Monica Geller: Wow! You are really fast!
Chandler Bing: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
Monica Geller: We're gonna see each other naked.
Chandler Bing: Yep!
Monica Geller: Do you wanna do it at the same time?
Chandler Bing: Count of three?
Monica Geller: One!
Chandler Bing: Two!
Monica Geller: Two!
Chandler Bing: Well I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
Monica Geller: Eh, we weren't that close anyway!
Chandler Bing: Eh!
Chandler Bing: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?
Monica Geller: Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not just goof around with him.
Chandler Bing: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am *so* bad at this.
Monica Geller: I think you're better than you think you are.
Chandler Bing: Really? Okay, so...
Monica Geller: Know when to stop.
Chandler Bing: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?
Monica Geller: Yeah. Don't do the dance.
Chandler Bing: Right!
Monica Geller: I can't get married until I get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.
Chandler Bing: Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new.
Monica Geller: You're so efficient. I love you!
Chandler Bing: Let's go!
Monica Geller: No-no-no, wait! We need something old!
Chandler Bing: Oh, okay, I have condom in my wallet that I've had since I was twelve.
Monica Geller: That'll work!
Chandler Bing: I don't think so.
Monica Geller: Okay, now we just need something borrowed!
Chandler Bing: Here just...take this.
Monica Geller: That's stealing!
Chandler Bing: No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress.
Monica Geller: Ohh.
Chandler Bing: Okay, one thing at a time.
Monica Geller: Listen umm, I've been thinking, it's not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work really hard for that.
Chandler Bing: Ehh.
Monica Geller: Eh, you work for that.
Chandler Bing: Look, I thought about it too, and I'm sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.
Monica Geller: You do?!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I'm putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy, then, then that's what we're gonna do.
Monica Geller: Oh, you're so sweet. Oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff?
Chandler Bing: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y'know? We'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
Monica Geller: You thought about that?
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Monica Geller: How many kids were we gonna have?
Chandler Bing: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.
Monica Geller: What else did you think about?
Chandler Bing: Well, stuff like where we'd live, y'know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y'know, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
Monica Geller: Y'know what? I-I don't want a big, fancy wedding.
Chandler Bing: Sure you do.
Monica Geller: No, I want everything that you just said. I want a marriage.
Chandler Bing: You sure?
Monica Geller: Uh-hmm.
Chandler Bing: I love you so much.
Monica Geller: I love you.
Rachel Green: Oohh, I love it!
Ross Geller: Really? You're not gonna return it?
Rachel Green: Well, not this second!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey look, you guys, it's snowing!
Rachel Green: Oh wow, it's so beautiful...
Ross Geller: Wow, it really is!
Monica Geller: "Wendy" is a fat girl name.
Phoebe Buffay: Aren't we done with that?
Monica Geller: Okay, fine. Let's talk about snow. - Do you think it's snowing in Tulsa, where my husband is having sex on a copying machine?
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Ross Geller: Oh my god...
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-heeyyy - Look at that, it's a Christmas miracle!
Monica Geller: What are you doing here?
Chandler Bing: I wanted to be with you. I missed you so much.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, uh, who did you miss the most?
Chandler Bing: Monica.
Joey Tribbiani: Got ya.
Chandler Bing: I never want to leave you again!
Monica Geller: But I thought if you left, you get fired.
Chandler Bing: Turns out they can't fire me. Because I quit.
Monica Geller: What?
Ross Geller: What, you, you really quit your job?
Chandler Bing: Yeah! It's a stupid job, and I could not stand leaving you. And why should I be the only one who doesn't get to do what he *really* wants to do?
Rachel Green: What do you really want to do?
Chandler Bing: I have *not* thought this through!
Monica Geller: Oh my god!
Chandler Bing: I know, I, I should have talked to you first about it.
Monica Geller: No, I think that this is what you wanna do, I think it's great!
Chandler Bing: Thanks!
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, your being here is the best Christmas present I could have ever imagined.
Chandler Bing: Ahh...
Phoebe Buffay: Now give me my real gift.
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you.
Chandler Bing: Here, pass these, will ya..
Ross Geller: Oh, hey...
Ross Geller: "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet." - How did you know?
Rachel Green: Wha... are you kidding? I can't return this.
Chandler Bing: I... thought it was a timely start to thinking about other people. Besides, this gift still says I love you guys.
Joey Tribbiani: Mine's is to Lilian Myers.
Chandler Bing: I don't have a *job*! *Closing Credits*
Chandler Bing: Actuary... no. Book-keeper... no. Topless dancer... Hey, d'you know what I just realized? You are the sole wage earner. *You* are the head of the household. I don't do anything - I'm a kept man!
Monica Geller: You are! Hey, here's twenty bucks. - Why don't you go buy yourself something pretty while I'm at work tomorrow?