Rachel Green: Joey.
Rachel Green: Oh my God. Okay.
Rachel Green: So uh...I guess we should...make it official huh?
Joey Tribbiani: Uh... Look Rach... Hey Ross is here! Hey look! It's my good friend Ross. Hey Ross.
Ross Geller: Hey Joey. Hey you.
Rachel Green: Hey you.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey and look he brought flowers. Thanks Ross, but I'm really more of a candy guy.
Ross Geller: You're weird today. Listen I uh, wanted to talk to you about something.
Rachel Green: Uh yeah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.
Ross Geller: Uh Joey, can you give us just a minute?
Joey Tribbiani: No.
Ross Geller: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I'm sorry. I meant no.
Monica Geller: Hi! Hey look who's here!
Jack Geller: Where's my granddaughter? I've been practicing my magic tricks.
Chandler Bing: He pulled a quarter out of my ear!
Ross Geller: Hey, where's uh, where's mom?
Jack Geller: She went to pick up Aunt Liddy.
Monica Geller: Oh, Aunt Liddy's coming? That means we get five dollars each!
Jack Geller: So when do I get to meet Emma and show her this?
Chandler Bing: Okay. Wow.
Ross Geller: Uh Dad, Emma's in the nursery. I'll take you now. If you want, but I really want to talk to you.
Rachel Green: I know, I still need to talk to you.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh hey but, before you guys do that I need to talk to you, and Ross, I need to talk to you.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh and I need to talk to you.
Monica Geller: About what?
Phoebe Buffay: To see if know what these guys are talking about.
Monica Geller: Isn't she beautiful?
Jack Geller: Look at her, my first grandchild.
Ross Geller: What about Ben?
Jack Geller: Well of course Ben, I meant my first granddaughter. Wow.
Phoebe Buffay: Have umm, have you thought anymore about you and Rachel?
Ross Geller: Oh well yeah, actually I was going to talk to her when you guys all came in the room.
Phoebe Buffay: Yay! It's so exciting! Wow, you could've done that with us there.
Ross Geller: Yeah right.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh sure okay, you can touch yourself in front of us but you can't talk to Rachel.
Ross Geller: What?! When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh please! Just before when you were asleep in the lounge! That Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV. Oh, that reminds me. That Mr. Hasmeje still has my Gameboy.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Chandler, can I talk to you for a second?
Chandler Bing: Sure.
Joey Tribbiani: Dude I just did something terrible.
Chandler Bing: That was you?! I thought it was Jack!
Joey Tribbiani: No! No, that was Jack! Rachel thinks I asked her to marry me!
Chandler Bing: What?! Why does she think that?
Joey Tribbiani: Because it kinda looked like I did.
Chandler Bing: Again, what?!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay well, I was down on one knee with the ring in my hand.
Chandler Bing: As we all are at some point during the day.
Joey Tribbiani: It wasn't my ring! It fell out of Ross's jacket! And when I knelt down to pick it up Rachel thought I was proposing!
Chandler Bing: Ross had a ring?! And he was gonna propose?
Joey Tribbiani: I guess.
Chandler Bing: And you did it first?! This is gonna kill him! You know how much he loves to propose!
Joey Tribbiani: I know! I know it's awful.
Chandler Bing: Well, what did she say?
Joey Tribbiani: She said yes.
Chandler Bing: Does Ross know?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh God, what the hell am I going to tell him?
Chandler Bing: Well maybe you don't have to tell him anything.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I like that. Yeah.
Chandler Bing: If you clear things up with Rachel then Ross never needs to find out, but you have to do it now before he hears about it and kicks your ass!
Joey Tribbiani: Now let's not get carried away.
Monica Geller: I want a baby.
Chandler Bing: Honey, we've been over this. I need to be facing the other way.
Monica Geller: Come on! Come on, if we have sex again it'll double our chances of getting pregnant. Do you think that closet's still available?
Chandler Bing: I'm so tired. Yeah okay, but no foreplay.
Monica Geller: Deal!
Ross Geller: Dad seriously! Y'know you really should see someone about that!
Jack Geller: Noted.
Ross Geller: I wanna go talk to Rachel for a minute, are you gonna be okay alone for a bit?
Jack Geller: Are you kidding me, I could stay and look at her forever.
Ross Geller: Actually umm...
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hi.
Phoebe Buffay: Are you all right?
Rachel Green: Uhh... I think I just got engaged.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! He did it?
Rachel Green: Well...did you know he was gonna ask me?
Phoebe Buffay: Are you kidding? I'm like the one who talked him into it. I like to think of myself as the puppet master of the group.
Rachel Green: And you really think this is a good idea?
Phoebe Buffay: I just talked him into it, don't tell me I have to do you too. The puppet master gets tired people.
Rachel Green: I just don't know! It just doesn't feel right.
Phoebe Buffay: Why?! You two are so meant to be together, everybody thinks so.
Rachel Green: Really?! Even Ross?
Phoebe Buffay: Especially Ross!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh uh, hey Pheebs. Uh y'know what? I'll-I'll come back later.
Ross Geller: Wow! Kind of uh, kind of a full house here. I'll guess just...I'll come back.
Phoebe Buffay: There he goes, your fiance.
Rachel Green: I guess so.
Phoebe Buffay: Although he does play with himself in his sleep.
Rachel Green: I can't say that I'm surprised.
Ross Geller: Dad, what are you doing?
Jack Geller: I think there are people in there having sex.
Joey Tribbiani: It can't be me, I'm standing right here.
Jack Geller: Wanna peek?
Ross Geller: No!
Jack Geller: Come on!
Ross Geller: Y'know what? I don't like you without mom. Come on.
Joey Tribbiani: We're not peeking?
Jack Geller: Well I'm peeking. Oh my God!
Chandler Bing: Hello sir, you know Monica.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey uh, is it okay to come in?
Rachel Green: Of course! Oh Joey, this ring I...it's beautiful I love it!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah uh look Rach, there's something I gotta tell ya.
Rachel Green: Hey!
Nurse: Hey! Are you ready to try nursing again?
Rachel Green: Yeah! Hi Emma. Hey, why do you think she won't take my breast?
Nurse: It's all right honey, it takes some babies a while to get it, but don't worry. It'll happen.
Joey Tribbiani: Yowsa!
Rachel Green: Okay sweetie, you can do it. Just open up and put it in your mouth.
Joey Tribbiani: Dear Lord.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry honey, what were you saying?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh uh-uh yeah, I think that.
Rachel Green: Oh look, she's pulling away again! Do you think my nipples are too big for her mouth? She looks scared. Doesn't she look scared?
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know, I don't really know her.
Nurse: Why don't we try massaging the breast to stimulate the flow.
Joey Tribbiani: Are you kidding me?!
Rachel Green: It's just so frustrating! Why doesn't she want my breast?!
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know! Maybe she's crazy!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh hey! Wait up!
Ross Geller: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: Congratulations! I didn't want to say anything in front of Joey 'cause I didn't know if he knew yet.
Ross Geller: What, that we had a baby? Come on let's give him a little credit, although, he did eat a piece of plastic fruit earlier.
Phoebe Buffay: No! No, that you and Rachel are engaged!
Ross Geller: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's a secret. Oh goodie! Yes! We haven't done the secret thing in a long time.
Ross Geller: Phoebe, there is no secret. Okay? I didn't propose.
Phoebe Buffay: Are you lying? Is this like that time you tried to convince us that you were a doctor?
Ross Geller: I am a doctor! Y'know what? I'm just gonna go and talk to Rachel myself.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, me too. Should we wake her up?
Ross Geller: No! No, come on let her sleep! She's so exhausted.
Phoebe Buffay: And so engaged.
Ross Geller: What? Oh my God! She-she thinks we're engaged! Why? Why? Why would she think we're engaged?!
Phoebe Buffay: Perhaps because you gave her an engagement ring? Y'know Ross doctors are supposed to be smart.
Ross Geller: I didn't give her that ring!
Phoebe Buffay: Really?
Ross Geller: No!
Phoebe Buffay: So whose ring is it?
Ross Geller: It's mine.
Phoebe Buffay: Is it an engagement ring?
Ross Geller: Yes!
Phoebe Buffay: But you didn't give it to her?
Ross Geller: No!
Phoebe Buffay: But you were going to propose?
Ross Geller: No!!
Phoebe Buffay: Huh, I might be losing interest in this.
Ross Geller: Look. Look, my mom gave me that ring because she wanted me to propose to Rachel, but all I wanted to do is if she maybe...kinda...wanted ah...start...things up again.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, what beautiful lukewarm sentiment.
Ross Geller: Look, I didn't want to rush into anything. And it seemed like she didn't want to either. But I don't, I don't understand how any of this happened! What? Did she find the ring in my jacket, assume that I was going to propose, throw it on, and-and just start telling people?
Phoebe Buffay: No! No, she said you actually proposed to her.
Ross Geller: Well I didn't! I didn't propose! Unless uh... Did I? I haven't slept in forty hours and...it does sound like something I would do.
Chandler Bing: Look, we can't stay in here forever.
Monica Geller: Oh, I still can't believe my dad saw us having sex! He didn't make it to one of piano recitals, but this he sees!
Chandler Bing: This is okay. We're all adults here; there's nothing to be ashamed of. Now, let's put our underwear in our pockets and walk out the door.
Monica Geller: Hi Dad! I can still call you that right?
Jack Geller: Of course. I'll always be your dad.
Chandler Bing: I just want you to know that what you witnessed in there, that wasn't for fun.
Monica Geller: It wasn't fun?!
Chandler Bing: Why? Why-why-would you-Wh-why... Look, I just don't want you to think that we're animals who do it whenever we want.
Jack Geller: Oh, I don't think that. Before today I never thought of you two having sex at all. It was a simpler time.
Monica Geller: The truth is, Dad, we're-we're trying.
Jack Geller: What?
Monica Geller: Yeah, we're trying to get pregnant.
Jack Geller: Oh my God! This is so exciting! Well, get back in there! I'll guard the door!
Monica Geller: Well, that's okay dad, we-we can wait until later.
Jack Geller: Whoa-whoa-whoa! I don't think so! Aren't you ovulating?
Monica Geller: Daddy?!
Jack Geller: Well you gotta get at it princess! When your mother and I were trying to conceive you, whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it. That's how I got my bad hip.
Chandler Bing: That's funny, this conversation's how I got the bullet hole in my head.
Jack Geller: This one time I had my knee up on the sink and your mother, she was.
Monica Geller: Daddy! I don't think we need to hear about the specific positions you and mom had sex.
Jack Geller: You're right, you're right. This is about your positions. Now, what I saw in the closet is not the optimum position for conceiving a child, although it might feel good.
Monica Geller: I don't feel good right now.
Jack Geller: But pleasure is important, and it helps if the woman has an orgasm. You up to the task sailor?
Chandler Bing: Seriously sir, my brains? All over the wall.
Monica Geller: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hey. I need to tell you something.
Monica Geller: Well, now's a good time. I'm on my way to have my ears cut off.
Rachel Green: Joey asked me marry him.
Monica Geller: What?
Rachel Green: Joey proposed to me.
Monica Geller: Is he crazy?! You just had Ross's baby!
Rachel Green: Well, I-I said yes.
Monica Geller: What?! Are you crazy? You just had Ross's baby! It's-it's so inappropriate. No, it's worse than that. It's wrong. It's... It is bigger than mine!
Rachel Green: I know. Days of Our Lives, thank you very much.
Monica Geller: You can't marry him!
Rachel Green: Why not? I don't want to do this alone! And he's such a sweet guy and he loves me so much.
Monica Geller: Well do you love him?
Rachel Green: Sure.
Monica Geller: Sure?
Rachel Green: Yeah, I mean whatever.
Monica Geller: Honey, the question is...do you really want to marry Joey?
Rachel Green: No. No, I don't. Could you be a dear and go tell him?
Chandler Bing: You still haven't told Rachel you weren't really proposing?
Joey Tribbiani: No! She had the ring on, she seemed so excited, and then she took her breast out.
Chandler Bing: Joey, you have to tell her what's going on! And what did it look like?!
Joey Tribbiani: I didn't look at it. Stupid baby's head was blocking most of it.
Chandler Bing: Go and tell Rachel right now before Ross finds out.
Joey Tribbiani: Look, it's not that easy. She said she wanted to marry me. I don't want to hurt her.
Chandler Bing: Okay, look, just do it gently.
Joey Tribbiani: You're right. You're right. I-I'll go tell her now before Ross finds out and I'll be gentle. I can do that. I am a gentle person. Oh, by the way. Two people screwing in there if you want to check that out.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hey.
Ross Geller: Listen, I um... I heard about the engagement.
Rachel Green: Surprised?
Ross Geller: And confused. Rach, sweetie, I-I um...I didn't propose to you.
Rachel Green: I know.
Ross Geller: I don't think you do.
Rachel Green: You didn't propose to me. Joey did.
Ross Geller: Poor baby, you're so tired. Rach, I didn't propose to you, Joey didn't propose to you, and Chandler didn't propose to you.
Rachel Green: Uh... You didn't propose to me, Chandler didn't propose to me, but Joey did.
Ross Geller: Joey proposed to you?
Joey Tribbiani: I can come back.
Ross Geller: Hey, wait! Wait-wait-wait! Joey, did you propose to her?
Joey Tribbiani: No.
Rachel Green: Yes you did!
Joey Tribbiani: Actually, technically, I didn't.
Rachel Green: Well then why did you give me a ring?
Ross Geller: Wait! Whoa-whoa, you...you gave her the ring?
Joey Tribbiani: No! No, and I did not ask her to marry me!
Rachel Green: Yes, you did!
Joey Tribbiani: No, I didn't!
Rachel Green: Yes, you did!
Joey Tribbiani: No, I didn't!
Rachel Green: Yes, you did! And don't you say, "No, I didn't!"
Joey Tribbiani: Ahhh!
Rachel Green: He was right there. He got down on one knee and proposed.
Ross Geller: Whoa! You were down on one knee?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Yeah, that looks bad. But I didn't...I didn't propose!
Ross Geller: Then what did happen?
Rachel Green: Yeah, what did happen?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, the ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up and you thought I was proposing.
Rachel Green: Yeah, but you said, "Will you marry me?"
Joey Tribbiani: No, I didn't!
Rachel Green: Yes, you did!
Joey Tribbiani: No, I didn't!
Rachel Green: Yes, you did-Oh my God you didn't! Well then why didn't you tell me that before?!
Joey Tribbiani: Well I tried, but people kept coming in and then you took your breast out!
Ross Geller: Whoa! Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa, you saw her breast?!
Joey Tribbiani: I'll tell you about it later. Be cool.
Rachel Green: Well then Joey, what the hell were you doing with an engagement ring?!
Joey Tribbiani: It wasn't my ring! It's Ross's ring! That's why I felt so bad Rach, because he was going to propose.
Ross Geller: What?!
Rachel Green: You were gonna propose to me?
Ross Geller: Uhh... No.
Joey Tribbiani: Well, this is awkward.
Ross Geller: But I-I was going to see if y'know, maybe you uh, start dating again but that-I mean that-that was all, Rach.
Joey Tribbiani: Dude, step up! I proposed.
Ross Geller: No, you didn't!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh that's right. There's a lot going on here and I think I ate some bad fruit earlier.
Nurse: Hey, she just woke up! She's hungry. Why don't we give this another try?
Rachel Green: Okay.
Ross Geller: I can't believe you told her I was going to propose!
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe you're not going to propose!
Ross Geller: Hey, I'm not going to rush into anything!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, dude, I totally understand. Usually after I have a baby with a woman I like to slow things down!
Rachel Green: Oh my God!
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: She's doing it Look, she's breast-feeding look!
Joey Tribbiani: Ah, it's beautiful.
Nurse: I'll come back for her later.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Ross Geller: Thank you.
Rachel Green: Oh wow, this feels weird.
Ross Geller: Good weird?
Rachel Green: Wonderful weird.
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know what you guys? I'm uh, I'm gonna go too. And uh, I'm sorry about everything.
Rachel Green: Honey don't worry, it was my mistake.
Joey Tribbiani: No, Rach, I should've told you sooner. It's just that...Man! That kid is going to town!
Rachel Green: She's perfect.
Ross Geller: We're so lucky.
Rachel Green: We really are.
Ross Geller: Look, I-I know it's not a proposal and I don't know where you are, but with everything that's been going on and with Emma and...I've been feeling.
Rachel Green: I know. I know. I've feeling.
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Okay, well, that... Wow, okay, well, umm...then maybe, at least we can, we can talk about us again.
Rachel Green: Yeah, maybe.
Ross Geller: Well good, okay. I-I, kind of think y'know if we...if You're wearing the ring.
Rachel Green: Wh-what's that?
Ross Geller: And you told Phoebe you were engaged.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry, what?
Ross Geller: When you thought Joey proposed did...did you say yes?
Jack Geller: Kids, I spoke to a doctor and picked up this pamphlets on how to get pregnant.
Monica Geller: Hey dad!
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Jack Geller: Sorry to bother you again, but could you pass my pamphlets back? Thank you.


Ross Geller: You said you'd marry Joey?
Rachel Green: Okay you have to realize, I was exhausted, I was emotional, I would have said yes to anybody. Like that time you and I got married! I'm not helping.
Ross Geller: So you said yes to him, and you just had our baby?
Rachel Green: That is right and traditionally the daddy is supposed to give the mummy a present but I am prepared to let that go.
Ross Geller: So when I came in here to see if you wanted to maybe start things up again, you were engaged to my best friend.
Rachel Green: Well-Really? I thought Chandler was your best friend.
Ross Geller: Well, Chandler's my oldest friend, but Joey's my-No! Ah!
Rachel Green: Ooooo!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey you guys I'm gonna take off. I just wanted to let you guys know, say goodbye.
Ross Geller: Rachel said she'd marry you?!
Joey Tribbiani: This isn't the right room, sorry folks.
Monica Geller: Ok, I don't wanna be negative so I'll say that most of the signs you bought are good.
Phoebe Buffay: No they ran out of "It's a girl" but I can fix this one, See?
Monica Geller: So sexy. Honey.
Chandler Bing: Yea yea.
Monica Geller: Honey why don't you go lie down.
Chandler Bing: No, no, Ross and Rachel will be back soon and then I gotta go to the office Am I producing them?
Joey Tribbiani: Why're you so tired?
Chandler Bing: Couldn't sleep last night you know, then I started worrying about this big divisional meeting that I have later today, the more I worried about it the more I couldn't sleep. Y'know? I was like, if I fall asleep now I'll get six hours sleep, but if I fall asleep now I'll get five hours sleep. Not matter what I did I couldn't fall asleep.
Joey Tribbiani: You know what you should've done, you should have told yourself that little story.
Rachel Green: Hi!
Everyone: Hi, welcome home!
Monica Geller: Phoebe did the signs!
Rachel Green: Oh you guys thanks for doing this.
Phoebe Buffay: Look at all the stuff people sent!
Rachel Green: Oh Ah! Oh my gosh there's something every mother needs, a giant stuffed gorilla that takes up the entire apartment! What are people think... Oh you guys I love it.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey so where's Ross?
Rachel Green: He's downstairs getting the rest of the stuff out of the cab.
Joey Tribbiani: Is he still mad at us?
Rachel Green: Well, you more then me, but he can't stay to mad at me. I mean, I just had his baby.
Joey Tribbiani: That's not fair! I can't do that.
Rachel Green: Yeah, I'm not so sure you should be here when he comes up.
Joey Tribbiani: See this is what I was afraid of, I didn't think I should be here either but somebody said he'd be over it by now.
Chandler Bing: Hey, what do I know? I wanted to get a bigger gorilla.
Ms. Mckenna: The numbers we are seeing New York, Chicago, and London are consistently solid, but many of our officers have reported disappointing fields.
Ms. Mckenna: Boston is down, Atlanta is down, Houston is down, I could go on and on but instead of boring you I'll go straight to my forty two point plan.
Chandler Bing: Walter .
Phoebe Buffay: She's just so cute! I just wanna bite her ear off and use it and a sucking candy.
Monica Geller: Phoebe! But I could take one of those little feet and put it in a pita pocket.
Ross Geller: Okay I put most of the stuff away.
Rachel Green: Oh great, the pacifiers?
Ross Geller: In the closet.
Rachel Green: The burping clogs?
Ross Geller: Linen closet.
Rachel Green: The diapers?
Ross Geller: In the hospital.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow you guys got a hospital? Fancy!
Ross Geller: No I left the diapers at the hospital! There's some in the bag but I'll run out and get some more.
Rachel Green: Alright thanks, oh Ross could you stop by the coffee house and get me a muffin?
Ross Geller: Sure what kind?
Rachel Green: Umm let me think...What do I want, what d-o I w-a-n-t...
Ross Geller: Please take your time, it's an important decision. Not like, say, I know! deciding to marry someone, this is about a muffin.
Rachel Green: Blueberry.
Ross Geller: Blueberry it is.
Rachel Green: Thanks.
Monica Geller: Wow, he's really not letting this go, is he?
Rachel Green: God how long do you think that's gonna last?
Phoebe Buffay: I dunno, well he got over the "We were on a break" thing really quickly.
Rachel Green: Y'know I can't even worry about that right now, cause I got the cutie little baby, oh I can't believe how much I love her, I can't get enough of her, like right now I miss her. I actually miss her.
Phoebe Buffay: You know that's... that's her.
Rachel Green: Oh god look at her sleeping. Oh, I love her so much! Oh, I think I'm gonna wake her up.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, Rach, no no, you know you're never supposed to wake a sleeping baby.
Rachel Green: Well I can do whatever I want! I made her! Come on little girl, hi!
Phoebe Buffay: I can say I told you so but she's kinda doing that for me.
Rachel Green: Oh I'm sorry mummy's so sorry go back to sleep go back to sleep. Shh. Shhh! Go back to sleep.
Monica Geller: Breaks your heart doesn't it.
Phoebe Buffay: It really does... how long do you think we have to stay?
Ms. Mckenna: Ok if everyone's on board, it's settled, Chandler, Chandler?
Chandler Bing: Yep.
Ms. Mckenna: Are you on board?
Chandler Bing: Yes.
Ms. Mckenna: Then, problem solved. Chandler will be running our office in Tulsa. You're gonna love Oklahoma.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, alright, we already tried feeding her, changing her, burping her, oh try this one! Go back in time and listen to Phoebe!
Monica Geller: Alright here's something, it says to try holding the baby close to your body and then swing her rapidly from side to side.
Rachel Green: Ok.
Monica Geller: It worked!
Rachel Green: Oh oh no just stopped to throw up a little bit. Oh come on, what am I gonna do, its been hours and it won't stop crying.
Monica Geller: Umm, she Rach, not it, she.
Rachel Green: Yeah, I'm not so sure.
Monica Geller: Oh my god, I am losing my mind.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, no kidding, this just proves no good can come from having sex with Ross!
Ross Geller: Hey Gunther, can I get a couple of blueberry muffins to go?
Gunther: Diapers huh?
Ross Geller: Yep.
Gunther: So I guess Rachel had you baby?
Ross Geller: Yep, can you believe it?
Gunther: Nope! I still can't believe she slept with you in the first place.
Ross Geller: Huh? Ooh you mean like a... Huh?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Ross, I know you're pissed at me, but we have to talk about this.
Ross Geller: Ah actually we don't.
Joey Tribbiani: Fine, fine okay. But I gotta say technically, I didn't even do anything wrong.
Ross Geller: What! You didn't do anything wrong?!
Joey Tribbiani: I said I didn't technically.
Ross Geller: Okay let's put aside that you "accidentally" picked up my grandmothers ring and you "accidentally" proposed to Rachel.
Joey Tribbiani: Look, can I just stop you right there for a second? When people do this I don't really know what that means. You were saying?
Ross Geller: And I can even understand that you couldn't tell Rachel, but why couldn't you tell me, huh? You had all day to and you didn't.
Joey Tribbiani: I know I should've. "I'm sorry."
Ross Geller: Not using it right, Joe.
Ross Geller: I'm gonna go.
Joey Tribbiani: No, come on Ross! Look, Ross, we have to get past this.
Ross Geller: Give me the bag.
Joey Tribbiani: No, look, I don't know what else to do. I said I'm sorry!
Ross Geller: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: You should scream at me, or-or-or curse me, or hit me.
Ross Geller: I'm not gonna hit you.
Joey Tribbiani: Why not? You'll feel better! I'll feel better, and you know you want to. I can see it in your eyes.
Ross Geller: No I don't.
Joey Tribbiani: A little bit.
Ross Geller: No.
Joey Tribbiani: Little bit.
Ross Geller: No!
Joey Tribbiani: A little bit more.
Ross Geller: Give me the bag.
Joey Tribbiani: No, hit me.
Ross Geller: Give me the bag.
Joey Tribbiani: Hit me.
Ross Geller: Joey, give me the bag.
Joey Tribbiani: Hit me!
Ross Geller: Joe I'm not kidding.
Joey Tribbiani: Hit me, hit me.
Ross Geller: No!
Joey Tribbiani: Hit me! Hit me!
Ross Geller: You ducked!!
Joey Tribbiani: I'm sorry! It was a reflex!
Ross Geller: Oh my god, this really hurts!!!
Joey Tribbiani: I couldn't help it! When a fist comes at your face, you duck! Look!
Ross Geller: What is the matter with you?!?
Joey Tribbiani: You were supposed to duck!!! Why didn't you duck?
Ross Geller: Why don't we talk about this on the way to the hospital?
Joey Tribbiani: Good, good yeah, maybe while we're there, they can check your reflexes. "Oops."
Monica Geller: Try feeding her again.
Rachel Green: I already fed her.
Monica Geller: I know, that's why I said again!
Phoebe Buffay: Alright you guys, we can't turn on each other, Okay? That's just what she wants.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Monica Geller: Hey.
Chandler Bing: Monica can I talk to you outside for a minute?
Rachel Green: Oh no, you guys, just stay here, I'm gonna go check her diaper, Pheebs you wanna come?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh I'm kinda part of this.
Chandler Bing: Actually Pheebs its more of a husband and wife kinda thing.
Phoebe Buffay: I knew I should have married Chandler.
Monica Geller: Okay what's up.
Chandler Bing: Umm, you know how we always said that it would be fun to move to Paris for a year? You know, you could study French cooking and I could write and we could take a picnic along the Seine and go wine tasting in Bordeaux?
Monica Geller: Oh yeah .
Chandler Bing: Okay, you know how that people say that Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma?
Monica Geller: What? Who says that?
Chandler Bing: People who've never ever been to Paris.
Monica Geller: What's going on?
Chandler Bing: We're moving to Tulsa!
Monica Geller: Excuse me?
Chandler Bing: Okay, Ms. McKenna, she kind of works above my boss, she asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of our office there, and I was sleeping and apparently, said yes.
Monica Geller: Tulsa, Oklahoma!
Chandler Bing: The Sooner State, whatever that is.
Monica Geller: Chandler, I don't even wanna see the musical Oklahoma!
Chandler Bing: Really? Oh What A Beautiful Morning! Surrey With A Fringe On Top.
Monica Geller: Are you trying to tell me that we're moving to Oklahoma, or that you're gay? All right, not that this matters, but did they at least offer you a huge raise?
Chandler Bing: No, no, but they are going to lease us a Ford Focus. I'll get out of it.
Monica Geller: Thank you.
Chandler Bing: What is wrong with Emma?
Monica Geller: Oh she misunderstood, she thought she was moving to Tulsa.
Chandler Bing: Umm ma'am, do you have a minute? I kind of have some bad news. I don't think I can move to Tulsa.
Ms. Mckenna: What?
Chandler Bing: It's a funny story, actually. I kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning so when I said I'd move to Tulsa, I didn't really know what I was saying.
Ms. Mckenna: You fell asleep?
Chandler Bing: But only because I was up all night worried about this meeting, ain't that funny? Irony? Not a fan, alright . See, here's the thing. I went home and told my wife about Tulsa and she won't go. See, me, I love Tulsa! Tulsa is heaven! Tulsa is Italy-Please don't make me go there!
Ms. Mckenna: Chandler, I.
Chandler Bing: No no no! Look, Carol, can I call you Carol? Wh-why would I when your name is Elaine? Oh what a great picture of your son, strapping! That's a picture of your daughter, isn't it, well she's lovely. I like a girl with a strong jaw. I'll call you from Tulsa.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, so how is it?
Ross Geller: I broke my thumb.
Joey Tribbiani: Your thumb? That's weird. You sure you're punching right? Make a fist. Maybe later. Ross I feel terrible.
Ross Geller: You know what, you can go, I just have to fill out some forms.
Joey Tribbiani: You, you want me to help you with that?
Ross Geller: Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with my misshapen claw?
Joey Tribbiani: Name? I know Ross but what's it short for? You know like, like Rossel or Rosstepher.
Ross Geller: Just Ross!
Joey Tribbiani: It's pretty, Okay date of birth?
Ross Geller: You know my birthday.
Joey Tribbiani: Sure, May...tember.
Ross Geller: October 18th.
Joey Tribbiani: Occupation? Dinosaurs.
Ross Geller: Actually I'm a palian... Dinosaurs is fine... the drawing is not.
Joey Tribbiani: Alright, who do you want as your emergency contact?
Ross Geller: Ah, Rachel I guess.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, relationship, boy this could take a while.
Ross Geller: Just ah... just put roommate.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on, you guys are more then that! I mean, you're gonna get together right?
Ross Geller: I don't think that we are.
Joey Tribbiani: But you two were supposed to be together.
Ross Geller: Well, I thought so too, but then she said she'd marry you.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on, Ross, that didn't mean anything! She just had the baby, she was all freaked out about doing it alone, she would have said yes to anybody.
Ross Geller: Yeah that's what she said.
Joey Tribbiani: So?
Ross Geller: So I don't wanna be just anybody.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow.
Ross Geller: You know what, it's, it's better this way anyway. I mean I don't know what I was thinking, going down that road again with us. It's just much easier if we're just friends who have a kid.
Joey Tribbiani: Really?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: And you're Okay with that?
Ross Geller: Yes. I mean, it's what we always planned. And if you have a plan, you should stick to it. That's why they call them plans. Hello? I'm fine.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, for what it's worth, with Rachel I don't think you'll ever be just "anybody."
Ross Geller: Hey there you go!
Joey Tribbiani: "Thanks."
Rachel Green: Oh my God! How long has she been crying?
Monica Geller: About a week and a half.
Phoebe Buffay: Well alright, looks like you guys have got it under control so I'm just gonna go. No! Really? Misery really does love company. All right!
Monica Geller: Rach, try holding her a different way.
Rachel Green: You guys, I'm doing the best I can, anyone else is welcome to try.
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, I'll try, fine! Yes, Okay!
Rachel Green: Here you go.
Phoebe Buffay: Shh! Nothing works with this child!
Rachel Green: Oh god what am I gonna do you guys, I can't even comfort my own baby! I'm the worst mother ever!
Monica Geller: You're just new at this, it'll get better, think about your first day at work. I mean, that couldn't have been easy but you figured that out.
Rachel Green: Yeah I don't think dressing provocatively is going to help me here! Oh my god just please take her.
Monica Geller: Okay I'll take her, here.
Rachel Green: I have to go to the bathroom.
Phoebe Buffay: I have to go scream into a pillow.
Monica Geller: Bouncy baby, Bouncy baby, Ooh baby baby, Ooh baby baby, Ooh baby baby.
Phoebe Buffay: Have I gone deaf?
Monica Geller: It worked! Ooh baby baby baby, ooh baby baby baby!
Phoebe Buffay: You must be a fireball in bed.
Monica Geller: I can't believe it! She's asleep! I got her to go to sleep! I have actual magical powers!
Phoebe Buffay: I can hear traffic and birds! I can hear the voices in my head again! I'm kidding.
Rachel Green: Oh my God! You got her to stop crying!
Monica Geller: Yes I did, I'm Monica, Super Aunt.
Rachel Green: You are the official baby crier stopper!
Monica Geller: Yes I am!!
Rachel Green: You're never leaving the apartment!
Monica Geller: Say what?
Rachel Green: That's your new job, day and night, she starts crying I need you here.
Monica Geller: Oh no no no no!
Phoebe Buffay: Thankfully you don't need me at all so Okay Super aunt see you later! Rachel let's give it six to eight months .
Rachel Green: Okay so listen I'm gonna go lay down.
Monica Geller: What?
Rachel Green: You know the book says that whenever she's sleeping I should be sleeping so...
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: Shhh! We just got her to go to sleep.
Chandler Bing: Oh so there can't be any yelling.
Monica Geller: No.
Chandler Bing: We're moving to Tulsa.
Monica Geller: What!?
Chandler Bing: Shhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! I can't, I can't hear you.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Rachel Green: Heeeeey, where have you been? What happened to you?
Ross Geller: Ah I had a little thing with Joey, if you think this is bad you should see him.
Rachel Green: Oh no Ross! This is not good, we have to talk about this Joey thing. Please sit. You have got to get over this Joey thing, okay? I never really wanted to marry Joey, okay?
Ross Geller: Okay.
Rachel Green: You know what I really really want?
Ross Geller: What, Rach?
Rachel Green: I wanna sleep, I wanna eat, I wanna take a shower, I mean before she wakes up and we gotta do this all over again.
Ross Geller: Right.
Rachel Green: I mean I got news for you mister, Emma? Not easy.
Ross Geller: Well, that's what I'm here for. Want me to get that?
Rachel Green: No its really okay... Monica!
Monica Geller: Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it!
Joey Tribbiani: You know, ah, I've been thinking about this and I gotta tell ya, it's not my fault. It's a natural instinct.
Chandler Bing: Hey, what you guys talking about?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey OK great, what would you do if I did this?


Rachel Green: Hi!
Ross Geller: Hey! So what's the big news you had us rush all the way over here for?
Chandler Bing: Okay, our news. My company has asked me to head up our office in Tulsa , so as of Monday I'm being officially relocated.
Ross Geller: Oh my God!
Phoebe Buffay: What?!
Rachel Green: What?!
Ross Geller: Monday?!
Joey Tribbiani: How long do you have to go for?
Chandler Bing: They said it could be up to a year.
Joey Tribbiani: A year?!
Rachel Green: Do you have to go?
Monica Geller: I kind of have to don't I? Because of this stupid thing.
Chandler Bing: There is nothing like the support of your loving wife, huh?
Joey Tribbiani: Wait a minute, you can't go to Tulsa. Maybe you forgot, but we've got tickets to the Jets game next week.
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry buddy, but I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it.
Joey Tribbiani: We were gonna go see the Jets!
Ross Geller: You can't go, I mean you're the glue that holds this group together!
Chandler Bing: Really?
Ross Geller: Not you.
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe you guys are moving.
Phoebe Buffay: I call their apartment!!!
Everyone: No!!! Ah!! Ahh!!!
Joey Tribbiani: Here you are.
Rachel Green: Thank you Joey. You know what? I'm not even sure I can have caffeine.
Ross Geller: I went thru this with Ben and Carol. One cup of coffee won't affect your milk.
Rachel Green: Yeah. Just to be sure I'm gonna call Dr. Wiener.
Joey Tribbiani:
Rachel Green: Every time?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhuh.
Ross Geller: Rach, you don't have to call whenever you have a little question, okay? Trust me, I know this.
Rachel Green: All right, I trust you.
Ross Geller: Rachel, I can see you dialing! I don't understand why...
Rachel Green: I'm on the phone! Dr. Wiener?
Joey Tribbiani:
Phoebe Buffay: It's so weird seeing Ross and Rachel with a baby. It's just so grown up.
Joey Tribbiani: I know, yeah. I feel like we're all growing up. Person named Wiener, God that kills me.
Phoebe Buffay: Look at you all grown up.
Joey Tribbiani: Actually, you know what? I am. That whole thing with Rachel made me realize that maybe I'm ready for a more serious relationship. You know? Like I'd like to meet a nice mature commitment-minded lady. And looks aren't as important as...Nah, she's gotta be hot.
Phoebe Buffay: You know, I might know somebody. Hey, how about you set me up with someone, and we double date!
Joey Tribbiani: I can do that, yeah. How is Friday?
Phoebe Buffay: Done. Oh good, really?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah!
Phoebe Buffay: Let's see! Oh, you know who's great? Sandy Poophack.
Joey Tribbiani: Poophack...
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah... All right, well that rules out Lana Titweiller.
Joey Tribbiani:
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: I've got good news!
Monica Geller: You got out of the whole Tulsa thing?
Chandler Bing: Okay, I have news. You don't have to move to Tulsa. You can stay here and keep your job.
Monica Geller: It's great! How? Chandler. Well my boss and I worked out a deal where I only have to be in Tulsa four days a week, so the other three I can be here with you.
Monica Geller: So you're gonna be gone four days a week? No.
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry, are you just used to saying that?
Monica Geller: No. I can't be away from you for that long.
Chandler Bing: Really?
Monica Geller: Yeah, you're my husband. I'm not gonna live in a different state than you for 208 days out of the year.
Chandler Bing: That's fast math! We could use you in Tulsa.
Monica Geller: Honey, thanks for trying to figure out a way, but if you're going to Tulsa, I wanna go with you.
Chandler Bing: Hey, you said that without gagging!
Monica Geller: I know!
Rachel Green: Excuse me? Oh yeah? Well, up yours too!
Ross Geller: Who the hell was that?!
Rachel Green: Dr. Wiener.
Ross Geller: Rach, you can't call people at three in the morning.
Rachel Green: Oh you know what, you sound just like his wife!
Ross Geller: Was there anything you did wrong with Emma?
Rachel Green: Yes, of course there is! Okay? I'm not insane!
Ross Geller: Well, what was it?
Rachel Green: Hiccups.
Ross Geller: Rach, I told you, you can't call him every time any little thing comes up.
Rachel Green: Yeah well, not anymore I can't. He fired us! What are we gonna do? We have to find a pediatrician. Wait wait, Monica said that when you guys were growing up, you really liked your doctor. What was his name?
Ross Geller: Dr. Gettleman? Yeah I know, I don't think that's a good idea. In fact, I think he's dead.
Rachel Green: Argh! Why does everything happen to me?!
Ross Geller: Rach, I promise first thing tomorrow we'll find another doctor, but I gotta get up early and I'm not feeling all that well.
Rachel Green: What? What, do you mean you're not feeling well? What do you have? Is it Rubella? Because don't go near Emma, she has not had that shot.
Ross Geller: You know? Come to think of it, it does feel Rubella-like!
Rachel Green: Wiener, Wiener Wiener, Wiener!!!
Ross Geller: Rachel!!!
Rachel Green: Great! Now he's gonna know it was me!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: So how is this for our big double date tonight?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God!
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, great! Just the reaction I was hoping for.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, so you found someone for me. You didn't forget?
Phoebe Buffay: Of course not! And you're gonna love Mary Ellen. She's really smart and cute and funny, and I can't tell you how I know this, but she' not opposed to threesomes. So tell me some about my guy.
Joey Tribbiani: No.
Phoebe Buffay: Come on, give me something. What's his name?
Joey Tribbiani: Mike.
Phoebe Buffay: Mike? Okay! What's his last name?
Joey Tribbiani: Damnit! Is there no mystery left in romance anymore!?
Phoebe Buffay: All right, we'll se you and Mike at the restaurant in a couple hours.
Joey Tribbiani: Why did I have to say Mike? I don't know a Mike! Why couldn't I have said... There's no guy in there!
Rachel Green: It's impossible to find a good doctor. I mean, how do you know the good ones from the ones who are gonna push their penis against your knee?
Monica Geller: Excuse me?
Chandler Bing: I know what she's talking about.
Rachel Green: We've got to find a new pediatrician. Ross was getting sick last night, and I think Emma may have caught it.
Monica Geller: Why don't you go see Dr. Gettleman?
Rachel Green: Ross said he died.
Monica Geller: He didn't die. I saw his daughter last week. Said he was fine. Her on the other hand, botched Botox.
Rachel Green: Oh, great! Well, then I'm gonna take Emma to see him. I wonder why Ross said that he died.
Monica Geller: Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.
Chandler Bing: He saw a therapist?
Monica Geller: Yeah, he used to have this recurring nightmare, just really freaked him out.
Rachel Green: Why? What was it?
Monica Geller: That I was going to eat him.
Joey Tribbiani: MIKE!!!
Mike Hannigan: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay!
Mike Hannigan: I gotta tell you, I can't believe I'm doing this with you. Although I did just get out of a nine-year relationship, so I guess I should be open and taking some risks.
Joey Tribbiani: Everything is gonna be fine. Just follow my lead, okay? All you have to do is pretend to be Mike.
Mike Hannigan: I am Mike.
Joey Tribbiani: Atta boy!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, look...
Everyone:
Phoebe Buffay: Joey, this is Mary Ellen Jenkins. So, Mike, how do you and Joey know each other anyway?
Mike Hannigan: How do I and Joey know each other? Wow, if I had a nickel for every time somebody has asked me that.
Joey Tribbiani: From school.
Mike Hannigan: Yeah, we met in college. I mean, high school.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow, you guys go way back then. So what are you up to these days?
Mike Hannigan: Well, I'm a lawyer.
Joey Tribbiani: Mike, 'attorney at law'!
Mike Hannigan: Actually, I just gave up my practice.
Joey Tribbiani: What? That's the kinda thing you usually run by me.
Mike Hannigan: I always wanted to play piano professionally, and I figured if I don't do this now, I never will.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow, that's great! I liked that better than the law thing, so...
Joey Tribbiani: Which is why I waited until now to introduce you to Mike.
Mary Ellen: I thought you thought he was still a lawyer.
Joey Tribbiani: No, no, that's not what I meant. Let's get you a cocktail.
Monica Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: What are you doing?
Chandler Bing: Looking for restaurant jobs for you in Tulsa.
Monica Geller: That's so sweet. Find anything?
Chandler Bing: Slim Pickings.
Monica Geller: Nothing, huh?
Chandler Bing: No, 'Slim Pickings', it's a barbecue restaurant. They're looking for a cook. Actually 'cook' may be a bit of a stretch. They're looking for someone to shovel mesquite.
Monica Geller: 'Slim Pickings'...That is so cheesy.
Chandler Bing: 'So Cheesy' also has an opening.
Monica Geller: Honey, that's okay. I actually know this woman, Nancy, who's a restaurant biz head-hunter. Maybe she'll know of something.
Chandler Bing: Can I just say how much I appreciate you coming with me. When we get to Tulsa I'm taking you for a great dinner at 'Slim Pickings'. 'So Cheesy'? 'Whole Hog'? It's going to be tough to keep Kosher in Tulsa.
Monica Geller: Hi, Nancy. Hi, it's Monica Geller. I'm good. Listen, I'm looking for a job in Tulsa. Well yeah, my husband has been relocated...Because I love him! No, I don't want a job in New York. Javo is looking? Oh my God! He asked for me personally? Oh my God! Oh, wow, this is really flattering, but I'm moving to Tulsa. Yeah, so if you would tell Javo 'I'll take it!'
Rachel Green: Hi, my name is Rachel Green, I have an appointment for Emma.
Receptionist: Dr. Gettleman is finishing up with a patient, he should be out shortly.
Dr. Gettleman: I think you just have a cold, it's definitely not Strep.
Ross Geller: Thanks doctor.
Dr. Gettleman: Would you like a lollypop?
Ross Geller: You even have to ask?! He is alive!
Phoebe Buffay: You know, it's so surprising that you and Joey have known each other for so long and I've never heard about you.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, that's because we had a bit of a falling out. Mike hit my mom with a car.
Mike Hannigan: No, I didn't.
Joey Tribbiani: That's okay Mike, I have forgiven you. And now we're friends again everything's great! Mary Ellen Wait, is your mom okay?
Joey Tribbiani: Please, we're trying to have a conversation.
Mary Ellen: Wow, you're a lot nicer on 'Days of Our Lives'.
Mike Hannigan: 'Days of Our Lives'! That's why you look so familiar!
Phoebe Buffay: What?!
Mike Hannigan: What?!
Joey Tribbiani: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: Do you not know each other?
Joey Tribbiani: Of course we do! Mike is playing a game that we used to play in high school. Yeah, where we pretend we don't know each other. We played all kinds of games. Hey, remember the one where I punch you in the face for not being cool?!
Phoebe Buffay: Mike, let me ask you something. How many sisters does Joey have?
Mike Hannigan: Six!
Joey Tribbiani: What are you doing? I said seven! Argh!!!
Phoebe Buffay: Joey, why did you set me up with a stranger?
Joey Tribbiani: Because I forgot about our date, I'm so sorry.
Mike Hannigan: I'm sorry too. And just to be clear, I didn't hit his mother with a car.
Phoebe Buffay: You are unbelievable! I spent so much time finding the perfect girl for you, you know. Mary Ellen is really smart and cute and loose.
Mary Ellen: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Who are you kidding? You just find some guy off the street for me? Oh God! This is humiliating!
Joey Tribbiani: Look Phoebe I'm so sorry! Hey, look, if you don't like this guy I can find you a better one. Mike!! Mike!!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm out of here.
Mike Hannigan: It was nice meeting you!
Joey Tribbiani: You're leaving too?
Mary Ellen: I'll stay if you can tell me my name.
Joey Tribbiani: Good night!
Chandler Bing: Honey, we're leaving tomorrow you've still got a lot of packing to do.
Monica Geller: You're right. Maybe I shouldn't go.
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: So Nancy told me about this job at this great restaurant, Javo . It's just a little outside of Tulsa.
Chandler Bing: How far outside?
Monica Geller: Manhattan.
Chandler Bing: And you're thinking of taking it? So before you said being me with me was more important than any job, but I guess now it's old job, me, new job.
Monica Geller: I'm gonna miss this hand! Okay I know it's a lot to ask, but oh my God Chandler, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Chandler Bing: What happened to 'you can't live without me four days a week'?
Monica Geller: Well, if you really think about it, I mean four days is not that long. I mean, I see you Monday before you go to work, and I see you Thursday when you get back, and I always work late on Tuesdays, so really if you think about it, it's really just one day. And well, if we can't make it one day, we've got real problems my friend.
Chandler Bing: I think you should take the job.
Monica Geller: Really?
Chandler Bing: Yeah. I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.
Monica Geller: That's the nicest anyone has ever said to me!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Monica Geller: How was the pediatrician?
Rachel Green: Oh, I really liked him. Yeah, it was really, really, really good.
Ross Geller: You promised you wouldn't say anything.
Rachel Green: I know. Ross still sees his pediatrician!!! I don't care!
Monica Geller: Are you serious? You still see Dr. Gettleman?
Ross Geller: He's a brilliant diagnostician!
Chandler Bing: Diagnostician or boo-boo fixer?
Rachel Green: Ross, seriously! You've gotta go to an appropriate doctor.
Ross Geller: Why? Why? I know it's a little weird, but hey, he's a great doctor, okay? He knows my medical history, and every time I go in there, he makes a big deal. 'Ah look, it's my favorite patient!'
Chandler Bing: Does he say that before he sticks his thermometer in your touchy?
Ross Geller: Hey, I seem to remember someone bringing his security blanket to college!
Chandler Bing: That was not a security blanket! That was a wall-hanging!
Ross Geller: It didn't spend much time on the wall!!!
Mike Hannigan: Excuse me, hi. I was hoping I would run into you. Can we talk?
Phoebe Buffay: Sure.
Mike Hannigan: I'm sorry, really, I'm so embarrassed. Really, I'm a pretty nice guy. Just ask my parole officer...Apparently I'm not a funny guy.
Phoebe Buffay: Why did you go along with that?
Mike Hannigan: Because I was told I'd get a free dinner, which I didn't. And that I'd meet a pretty girl. Which I did.
Phoebe Buffay: That's true. Well, is anything you told me about yourself true?
Mike Hannigan: My name in Mike, and I do play piano.
Phoebe Buffay: Prove it.
Mike Hannigan: There isn't a piano here.
Phoebe Buffay: That wouldn't stand in the way of a true pianist.
Mike Hannigan:
Phoebe Buffay: You are really good! I play a little guitar myself.
Mike Hannigan: Really?
Phoebe Buffay: Uhuh.
Mike Hannigan: That's great. What kind of music do you play?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, like acoustic folksy stuff. You know? But right now I'm working on a couple 'Iron Maiden' covers.
Mike Hannigan: Do you think that maybe, sometime, I could...
Phoebe Buffay: It's okay. Go ahead, ask me out.
Mike Hannigan: Okay. Do you think maybe sometime I could take you out?
Joey Tribbiani:
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you just caught me off guard! Yeah, that would be nice.
Joey Tribbiani: Look at this. My two best friends!
Ross Geller: Excuse me, I don't mean to be a jerk, but the baby with the rash came in after me.
Receptionist: The doctor will be right with you sir.
Girl: Mommy, I can't find Waldo.
Ross Geller: With the circus? He's behind the elephant.
Woman: Wow, so your child is a big fan of the Waldo books too?
Ross Geller: Yeah, that's how I know. I'm Ross by the way.
Sally: Hi, I'm Sally. So, no ring. Can I assume you are also a single parent?
Ross Geller: I am a single parent.
Sally: It's hard isn't it? There's almost no time for a social life. I mean, where are you gonna meet someone?
Ross Geller: Well, let's say, I don't know, you met someone in the pediatrician's office.
Nurse: Rossy, we're ready for you.
Ross Geller: Hmm, yeah. Come on Ross jr. It's time to go in.
Boy: Mommy.
Girl: Mommy, what's wrong with that man?
Ross Geller: Hey, I helped you find Waldo!
Ross Geller: Oh good, you haven't left yet.
Monica Geller: Where have you been?
Ross Geller: I got held up at Dr. Gettleman's office. There was some guy that freaked everybody out.
Chandler Bing: Well, you got here just in time. I really have to go buddy.
Ross Geller: Oh man.
Monica Geller: Promise to call me when you land.
Chandler Bing: Of course I will call you. I love you.
Monica Geller: I love you too.
Rachel Green: Okay, wow, wow, wow. Watch the tongue people, we've got a baby over here.
Phoebe Buffay: Bye Chandler.
Chandler Bing: Awww. Bye!
Rachel Green: Bye honey.
Chandler Bing: What's the matter Joe?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm mad at you for leaving! You're nothing but a big leaver. Big leaver with a stupid suitcase.
Chandler Bing: Any chance you are trying to pick a fight to make all this easier?
Joey Tribbiani: Dude, you see right thru me!!
Chandler Bing: Well, bye Mon, bye Ross, Rachel, bye Emma!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, bye-bye! Good trip!
Monica Geller: Chandler, wait. It goes: Old job, new job, you. This is just something I have to do.
Chandler Bing: I know.
Monica Geller: I love you so much.
Chandler Bing: I know that too.
Chandler Bing: Don't worry, I'll be back before you know it. Yes it will be the same. Because I know, that's how. I promise.
Joey Tribbiani: Double promise? Call me when you land.
Monica Geller: Can I talk now?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, bye.
Monica Geller: Joey?
Joey Tribbiani: He had to board.


Phoebe Buffay: Oh hey Ross oh I'm so glad someone's here could you zip me up?
Ross Geller: sure.
Phoebe Buffay: Thank you. Can you believe no-one between my apartment and here offered to do that for me?
Ross Geller: people so why you all dressed up.
Phoebe Buffay: oh umm Mike's picking me up for a date.
Ross Geller: oh yea now um how is that going, is it getting serious?
Phoebe Buffay: oh I dunno I dunno, you know I mean I like him but am I ready to take my grade a loins off the meat market.
Ross Geller: you know I really admire your whole dating attitude, it's so healthy I'm always like is this moving to fast? Is this moving to slow? Where's this going?
Phoebe Buffay: yea you know you are a bit of a drama queen.
Ross Geller: but you, your so much better off you just go from guy to guy having fun and never worrying that it terns into anything serious.
Phoebe Buffay: I wouldn't say never, you know there's that guy well what about ok well there's gotta be someone.
Ross Geller: There isn't that's what I'm saying.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my god you're right.
Ross Geller: I know and yet here you are all ready for the next date.
Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe I never realized this before, I'm in my thirty's and never been in a long-term relationship oh my god what's wrong with me.
Ross Geller: no, no, no there's nothing wrong with you I mean you don't strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway.
Phoebe Buffay: I wanna get married.
Ross Geller: please don't cry because of me pheebs I don't know what I'm talking about, I've been divorced three times.
Phoebe Buffay: least you've been married, OH MY GOD! I wanna trade lives with Ross.
Mike Hannigan: Phoebe what's wrong?
Phoebe Buffay: nothing, I'm excited about our date, Mike this is Ross Geller this is Mike Haaaaa.
Ross Geller: I'm sorry I didn't catch.
Mike Hannigan: its Mike Hanagen.
Ross Geller: Oh Ross Geller.
Mike Hannigan: Hey, so are you sure your ready to go.
Phoebe Buffay: uh huh how do I look.
Ross Geller: do you have a compact in your purse?
Phoebe Buffay: No.
Ross Geller: you look great.
Monica Geller: : hey Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, this girl won't turn around and I can't tell whether she's hot or not, what do you think?
Monica Geller: : Joey I am not going to objectify woman with you but if her face is as nice as her ass woah mamma.
Joey Tribbiani: Alright thanks, Oh hey have you talked to Chandler?
Monica Geller: : yeah he has to stay in Tulsa this weekend.
Joey Tribbiani: how come?
Monica Geller: : he has to work, there's some rush on the big ah damn it one of these days I'm really gonna have to start listening when he talks about his job.
Joey Tribbiani: oh why don't you fly out there and surprise him.
Monica Geller: : maybe I will go yea will have a second honeymoon at the Tulsa romana.
Joey Tribbiani: oh and you know what you should bring the black see-through teddy with the attached garters.
Monica Geller: : how do you know I have one of those?
Joey Tribbiani: didn't till just now.
Joey Tribbiani: hot not hot Hot!
Hayley: excuse me?
Joey Tribbiani: I said I think you're hot and now I'm embarrassed.
Hayley: oh I thought you said Hi.
Joey Tribbiani: that would've been better, I'll try that Hi I'm Joey.
Hayley: I'm Hayley.
Joey Tribbiani: look I don't usually ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses.
Gunther: HA!
Joey Tribbiani: gesundheit.
Hayley: I would love to go out with you.
Joey Tribbiani: really, great, did I actually ask you?
Hayley: no that's just where you were going I just figured that I'd help you out, you don't seem like the kind of guy that does this very a lot.
Gunther: HA!
Joey Tribbiani: seriously Gunther you should see someone about that cold, if it gets much worse you could DIE!
Ross Geller: so how'd the date go?
Phoebe Buffay: well it was awful every time I thought about what you said I started crying.
Ross Geller: So he hasn't called?
Phoebe Buffay: would you call this girl? thanks-fo-r-a-love-ly-even-ing.
Ross Geller: now I feel terrible this is all my fault.
Phoebe Buffay: well you not what you should feel terrible about, this could have been my serious guy he was sweet and smart and funny. Do you know how hard it is to meet a guy like that?
Ross Geller: We are a rare breed.
Hayley: what a great dinner.
Joey Tribbiani: yeah and hey thanks again for letting me having that last piece of cake at the restaurant.
Hayley: your welcome again, I'm gonna make some coffee can I get you anything?
Joey Tribbiani: do you have any cake? >>> Joey's Subconscious So this is going pretty good. dinner was nice, got a lot in common. Victoria's secret huh we even like the same books. Oh now there's a scary painting. wait a minute I think I've been scared by that painting before. You know what this whole place look familiar I have definitely been in this apartment I know I've seen this weird plant before AWCH! It did that the last time. Oh my god, I've gone out with this girl before yeah we had sex on this couch and then on that chair and no. no we didn't do it hear which is weird because it seems like a perfectly good place.
Joey Tribbiani: AWCH! That's why.
Ross Geller: Hey Mike sorry to just drop by like this, can I come in?
Mike Hannigan: Sure who are you?
Ross Geller: I'm Ross, Phoebe's friend from the coffeehouse.
Mike Hannigan: Oh.
Ross Geller: yeah I really, really need to talk to you about something.
Mike Hannigan: Ok, unless you're not gonna try to get me to join a cult are you?
Ross Geller: No.
Mike Hannigan: oh it's just you have that look.
Ross Geller: Damn super cuts!
Mike Hannigan: what's up is Phoebe ok?
Ross Geller: oh no yeah, no Phoebe is great, but umm I'm an idiot look right before you guys went out I accidentally got her all upset.
Mike Hannigan: that's why she was weird.
Ross Geller: yes, yeah I said something stupid about her never having had a serious relationship, but you should know she is so much fun, a wonderful person please don't blow her off.
Mike Hannigan: I'm not blowing her off, I actually just got off the phone with her, were going out tomorrow night, I mean I hope that's ok with you stranger from the coffee house.
Ross Geller: well then I didn't need to bother you or the four other Mike Hanagens I bothered.
Mike Hannigan: hey wait wait wait wait wait! Is that true what you said Phoebe's never had a serious relationship?
Ross Geller: of course she has. if she'd never had a serious relationship I'd go round broadcasting it like some unstoppable moron.
Mike Hannigan: but you did say it.
Ross Geller: yes, yes I did. and I will also say what I'm about to say Vis-a-vis the following Phoebe has never had a serious relationship since her. super-serious relationship with. Vicrum.
Mike Hannigan: Vicrum?
Ross Geller: WHAT THAT'S A REAL NAME!
Chandler Bing: Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plane, STOP IT! Why couldn't they have sent me to Texas? 7 o clock maybe I'll hit the gym who am I kidding pay-per-view porn. -Cuts to Monica.
Chandler Bing: DO NOT DISTURB DO NOT DISTURB! Monica:
Monica Geller: : is everything all right?
Chandler Bing: everything's great, just watching some regular television there, what a pleasant surprise.
Monica Geller: : I'm gonna go freshen up ok.
Chandler Bing: Ok honey. that was close. -Cut to Rachel.
Rachel Green: Hello.
Monica Geller: : Hey Rach its me ok I just got the Chandler's room and I caught him molesting himself.
Rachel Green: Oh that couldn't have been pretty. but you know guys do that.
Monica Geller: : yea well the weird part is... he was getting off to a shark attack show!
Rachel Green: Nooooooooo!
Monica Geller: : Yes! Chandler Watches Shark Porn!
Rachel Green: well watching sharks? Are you sure that's what he was doing?
Monica Geller: : do you know how many times I've seen him jump up like that, believe me I know what he was doing.
Rachel Green: man sharks. I always knew there was something weird about that dude. But you promised to love him no matter what.
Monica Geller: : what means if he gets like a disease or kills someone. not if he gets his jollys to jaws!
Rachel Green: Ah! You know what honey guys are just different, they like things that we can't understand, you know I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend he was an archeologist and I was a naughty cave woman that he unfroze from a block of ice.
Monica Geller: : Eww are you talking about my bother.
Rachel Green: yeah I didn't disguise that very well did i.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Joey Tribbiani: listen to this... I went out with this girl last night and half way through our date I realized I already slept with her.
Rachel Green: so basically you've slept with all the woman in New York and now you're just going around again.
Joey Tribbiani: well that's not even the weird part. I don't think she remembered sleeping with me.
Monica Geller: : But you don't remember sleeping with her.
Joey Tribbiani: yeah but she should remember sleeping with me I am very memorable, you guys know.
Rachel Green: what, how do we know, we never slept with you.
Joey Tribbiani: and who's fault is that.
Monica Geller: : what's the big deal, you forgot, she forgot, maybe you were having an off night.
Joey Tribbiani: HEY! I never have an off night ok although sometimes when I'm a little bloated I don't feel very sexy BUT EVEN THEN I'M BETTER THEN MOST!
Monica Geller: : Honey why don't you just let it go and ask her out again.
Rachel Green: yeah your both so slutty you don't even remember who you've slept with, you're made for each other.
Joey Tribbiani: Interesting. all right I'll go out with her again and try to get past it OH SALT BLOATY!
Monica Geller: : Joey, Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Monica Geller: : you don't think sharks are sexy do you?
Joey Tribbiani: No. wait a minute what was the little mermaid?
Phoebe Buffay: It's open.
Ross Geller: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: HEY! Mike called were going out again! YAY! YAY!
Ross Geller: YAY! quick thing, I went to talk to Mike.
Phoebe Buffay: What? Wha-wha-wha-did you do ROSS!
Ross Geller: oh boy you got mad at that part. I went over there to tell him how great you are but you know me BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, and I ended up telling him that.
Phoebe Buffay: WHAT!
Ross Geller: umm. that you had a six year long relationship with a guy named Vicrum.
Phoebe Buffay: WHAT! WHY?
Ross Geller: well he seemed to bum hard that you'd never been in a serious relationship.
Phoebe Buffay: If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend I swear to Lucifer a raber dog would be feasting on your danglers RIGHT NOW!
Ross Geller: well Phoebe, I think you'll feel better when you know a little bit about Vicrum, His a Kite designer and he used to date Oprah.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm not going along with some lie you made Ross, No I'm just gonna be honest with him.
Ross Geller: Good yeah just be honest with him.
Phoebe Buffay: yeah I've nothing to be ashamed of ok so I haven't been in a relationship that lasted longer then a month. Ok I haven't had a real boyfriend you know if he can't handle that he can leave. which he will and that's ok. so I'll just be alone forever you know alright I'll be. it'll be fine. it'll be fine. I'll go walking tours with widows and lesbians. Oh.
Ross Geller: I'll get it.
Phoebe Buffay: ok.
Mike Hannigan: You know I'm trying to think of the last time I opened a door and you weren't there, Phoebe are you ok?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh huh yeah there's just something umm, there's something you should know Vicrum just called.
Hayley: so it was kind of a shock after 25 years of marriage my parents, a perfect couple getting divorced, I kinda took it the hardest cause I was the youngest.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh huh, sure, yeah. How can you not remember me?
Hayley: What?
Joey Tribbiani: How could you not remember that we slept together?
Hayley: What! When?
Joey Tribbiani: I dunno!
Hayley: I really, really think I would remember sleeping with you.
Joey Tribbiani: come on, come on, search your brain all right. it was a certain amount of time ago, I was here you were here, we had sex here, here, here NOT there. Anything?
Hayley: no it's not ringing any bells.
Joey Tribbiani: my god woman! How many people do you have to had been with not to remember any of this?
Hayley's Roommate: Hey Hayley you've really gotta fix that doorknob. Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Ooooooooooh, I slept with you! And you obviously remember me Hey! I still got it. so were good. I'll let myself out.
Phoebe Buffay: .and I said Vicrum you can't just call every time you get lonely you know, you, you gave up that right when you slept with Rachel.
Mike Hannigan: But Rachel I thought she just had a baby with Ross.
Phoebe Buffay: yeah well yeah you know Emma's birth certificate might say Geller but her eyes say Mookurgee.
Mike Hannigan: that is so wrong and on top of that his a glue sniffer.
Phoebe Buffay: I know but he call's and my heart goes to him. You know that bastard is one smooth talking free lance kite designer.
Mike Hannigan: I just think there's somebody better out there for you, I mean I'm not saying me but. maybe me.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh.
Mike Hannigan: and you don't have to worry about glue sniffing with me. although I do smell the occasional magic marker, yeah ah anyway I just think I can make you happy.
Phoebe Buffay: ok I can't do this.
Mike Hannigan: what's wrong?
Phoebe Buffay: well there is no Vicrum, Ross made him up because I never really have been in a long-term relationship, I've never lived with a guy, and I've never even celebrated an anniversary so. if that's too weird for you and you wanna leave I totally understand. In fact I'll close my eye's make it less awkward You kissed me.
Mike Hannigan: uh huh.
Phoebe Buffay: so you don't think I'm a total freak.
Mike Hannigan: No. well look can I think your weird and also cool for telling me the truth and also wanna kiss you.
Phoebe Buffay: I guess so, can I. can I think it's cool that you kiss me and also wanna kiss you again and umm, be a little concerned about the magic markers.
Mike Hannigan: Definitely.
Ross Geller: This is Vicrum.
Chandler Bing: Hi honey I'm home!
Monica Geller: : Hi, how was your flight?
Chandler Bing: oh it was great.
Monica Geller: : Here why don't you sit down, get yourself comfortable because I. have a little surprise for you.
Chandler Bing: well, well, well it must be five in Tulsa because it's six o clock IN NY.C!
Monica Geller: : Ok This is how much I love you.
Chandler Bing: Honey why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around.
Monica Geller: : Is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast forward to something a little toothier.
Chandler Bing: no I'm not quite sure you got the right movie that's all.
Monica Geller: : Oh well this is the only one they had at our video store, but they did have something called crocodile killers. Or does it always have to be sharks?
Chandler Bing: does what always have to be sharks.
Monica Geller: : Honey look we can do something else, do you want me to get into the tub and thrash.
Chandler Bing: What's going on?
Monica Geller: : sweetie it's ok, I still love you, let me be a part of this.
Chandler Bing: let ME be a part of this!
Monica Geller: : I saw what you were doing in Tulsa. angry sharks turn you on!
Chandler Bing: no they don't.
Monica Geller: : then why were you watching them and giving YOURSELF a treat.
Chandler Bing: OH MY GOD! When you came in I switched the channel, I was just watching regular porn.
Monica Geller: : really?
Chandler Bing: yeah just some good old fashion girl on girl American action.
Monica Geller: : I cannot tell you how happy that makes me!
Chandler Bing: You are an amazing wife. No really you're amazing you were actually gonna do this for me, I mean where do you find the strength and understanding over something like that.
Monica Geller: : Im very, very drunk right now.
Joey Tribbiani: see ordinarily I would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken did I sleep with her? Did I not sleep with her?
Phoebe Buffay: you know maybe this is a wake up call, about your whole dating attitude. Your in your thirty's and you've never had a serious relationship and you have never been in a long term relationship, here you go from woman to woman, meaningless experience to meaningless experience never even worrying that it doesn't tern into anything serious.
Joey Tribbiani: your right! I love my life! I actually did sleep with her.


Phoebe Buffay: Oh hey you guys, I couldn't get a reservation for the night of my birthday, so we have to do dinner Thursday night instead.
Joey Tribbiani: Thursday? But that's Halloween.
Phoebe Buffay: So?
Joey Tribbiani: So spooky, that's all.
Ross Geller: So, so, is Mike coming to dinner?
Phoebe Buffay: No! It's my first birthday with a boyfriend, and he has to work. Uch, I get mad at him, but I think it's a little to soon to show my true colors.
Rachel Green: Pheebs, I would make a reservation for five, because one of us has to stay home and watch Emma. Which one of us should go to dinner?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, Rachel!
Ross Geller: Actually, um, I was thinking maybe both of us could go.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yay!
Ross Geller: Thanks, I put a lot of extra thoughts on your gift.
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, okay, so we can all go now. That is fun. Hey, you know what? We all haven't been together the six of us in such a long time.
Monica Geller: What are you talking about? We're all together right now.
Rachel Green: Um, Mon, Chandler's not here.
Monica Geller: Oh, dear god!
Chandler Bing: Good morning everyone, it's nice to see our team together for the first time. Now, before we get started, are there any questions? Yes, Ken is it?
Ken: That's right. Is it true, that the reason you are here in Tulsa is that you fell asleep in a meeting and took the job without realizing what you were saying yes to?
Chandler Bing: Well, don't believe everything you hear, Ken. But yeah, that's true. Alright, let's get started, by take a look at last quarter's figures. Ah, Claudia, aren't you supposed to blow smoke up the bosses' ass?
Claudia: I'm sorry. Does the smoke bother you?
Chandler Bing: No, no, no-no-no. I smoked for years, then I quit. Right now, I can't remember why. You're not allowed to smoke in this office. Not right?
Claudia: Yes, in Oklahoma it's legal to smoke in offices with fifteen people or less. Would you like one?
Chandler Bing: Alright, lo...look. I don't smoke anymore. But if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, it's fine. So you all smoke then? That's almost rude, that I'm not.
Ken: That's not true. If you don't wanna smoke ...
Chandler Bing: Ken, please! No, I can't, I can't smoke. If I smoke, my wife would kill me.
Ken: I'm sorry, but isn't your wife back in New York?
Chandler Bing: I always liked you, Ken.
Phoebe Buffay: Trick or treat!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, and treat it is.
Monica Geller: Hmhmm.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow, so glad I changed. Almost wore my ??? outfit that can't contain my breasts.
Monica Geller: This is not, what I'm wearing. I'm ovulating and Chandler's gonna be home any minute, so I thought we would try before dinner.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh. Oh wait! you guys won't be late for my dinner, will you?
Monica Geller: Believe me, Chandler and I have not seen each other in over a week. We'll probably be the first ones there.
Phoebe Buffay: 'kay, see you there. Happy humping! Hey...hey! Oh, wow, somebody smoked out here? Oh my god, don't people know, you're not allowed to smoke in public spaces?
Chandler Bing: Actually, in Oklahoma smoking is legal in all commune areas and offices with fewer than fifteen people.
Phoebe Buffay: You smoked!
Chandler Bing: No! I just happened t'do a lot trivias about smoking in different states. For example, in Hawaii cigarettes are called Leyhallalookoos.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, you stink of cigarettes.
Chandler Bing: Uch, do you think, Monica is gonna be able smell it?
Phoebe Buffay: Are you kidding? The woman has the nose of a bloodhound ... and the breasts of a Greek goddess.
Chandler Bing: Pheebs?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm gonna go.
Chandler Bing: Okay, something to cover the smell ... Oven cleaner! Unscented!
Monica Geller: Welcome home. I've missed you. join me in the bedroom?
Chandler Bing: No thanks, I'm good.
Monica Geller: O-kay, so you wanna play it that way, do you?
Chandler Bing: Right. You know what? Actually I just get off the plane, so I'm feeling kinda gross. Maybe I should just take a shower.
Monica Geller: You don't need a shower.
Chandler Bing: Alright, the truth is, I soiled myself during some turbulences.
Monica Geller: What do I smell? I smell smoke. Huh-did you smoke?
Chandler Bing: Yes, but I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five. A pack. Two pack...a...a carton. Three big fat cartons in two days. But it's over, I made a decision, I'm not gonna smoke anymore.
Monica Geller:
Chandler Bing: But, those are for you.
Ross Geller: Alright, we'll just, uh, see when you get here. Bye. Huh, that was my mom, she's stuck in terrible traffic.
Rachel Green: Okay, well that's now the third sign that I should not leave Emma.
Ross Geller: Oh, what were the other two?
Rachel Green: Well, let's see. The first one is: I don't want to. And, you know, I'm not going.
Ross Geller: I know, it's the first time, we're leaving the baby and ... hey, I know how hard it is for you, but ... but Emma is gonna be fine. My mom is gonna be with her. She's great with kids.
Rachel Green: She is?
Ross Geller: Ya.
Rachel Green: What about Monica.
Ross Geller: Hey, you only heard Monica's side of that. That little fatso was a terror.
Rachel Green: Ish. I just don't think I can bear it.
Ross Geller: Rachel, I know that you can. And you should.
Rachel Green: Uch.
Ross Geller: Really, it would be good for you and in fact, why don't you, why don't you go ahead to the restaurant and I will wait for my mom and then I'll meet you there.
Rachel Green: Oh-A.
Ross Geller: No, no, really. You should go. Just go! Go! Go out! Really, the world is your oyster. Kick up the heels. Paint the town red.
Rachel Green: You need to learn some new slang.
Ross Geller: I'm serious. C'mon, you should go. Here. No, uh-uh, just go.
Rachel Green: What ... Oh!
Ross Geller: No! No, you know what? You , the baby's fine, now squam . Yeah, story walking.
Rachel Green: I was just going to say that I left my keys.
Ross Geller: Oh, holy molly are we in a pickle now.
Phoebe Buffay: Where is everyone? They're forty minutes late.
Joey Tribbiani: I know, u-uch.
Phoebe Buffay: I'm starving. I know we were coming here tonight, I ate nothing all day.
Joey Tribbiani: What about me, he? Only had one lunch today.
Waiter: Soo, are we expecting the rest of our party shortly?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes, they are expected presently. Yeah, yeah um, their arrival is in the offing.
Waiter: Right. We do have a table for two available, perhaps you would be more comfortable.
Joey Tribbiani: No, they're comin', we're waitin' right here.
Phoebe Buffay: Joseph! Thou needn't worry, they shan't be long.
Waiter: It's just that we do have some large parties waiting.
Phoebe Buffay: One really does have a stick up one's ass. Doesn't one?
Monica Geller: How can you smoke in this day of age? Do you not seen that ad with a little kid walks to grandpa, it's chilling.
Chandler Bing: I messed up, it was a meeting, everybody was smoking.
Monica Geller: So what? Don't you have any will power?
Chandler Bing: Will power? I've watch home movies of you eating ding-dongs without taking the tin foil off.
Monica Geller: You said that was sexy!
Chandler Bing: 'kay, look: Can we just drop this? I'm not gonna smoke again.
Monica Geller: That's right, because I forbid you to smoke again.
Chandler Bing: You forbid me?
Monica Geller: Mhmm.
Chandler Bing: You know, I flew a long way t see my loving wife? Is she here by the way?
Monica Geller: Don't joke with me, okay? I'm very, very upset right now.
Chandler Bing: Oh, would you say this was the most upset you could be?
Monica Geller: Yes.
Chandler Bing: Then, I might as well ... do this . Not really sure what to do now.
Monica Geller: Well, I'll tell you what we're gonna do: We are already late for Phoebe's birthday dinner, so you point out put out that cigarette, we're gonna put this fight on hold and go have sex.
Chandler Bing: Fine. What!?
Monica Geller: Sex! This is the last day I'm ovulating, and when we don't do it now, we'll have to wait till next month.
Chandler Bing: You serious?
Monica Geller: Oh yeah!
Chandler Bing: Right, fine, I'll do it, but no talking.
Monica Geller: Huh, and no cuddling.
Chandler Bing: And no kissing your neck.
Monica Geller: Oh good, I hate it when you do that.
Chandler Bing: And lots of kissing your neck.
Ross Geller: Okay, well the ??? is not home.
Rachel Green: No. Uch.
Ross Geller: Oh-oh, wait, my mother is gonna be here any minute. And she has the keys.
Rachel Green: Alright, I can't, I can't wait that long. You have to do something-knock that door down!
Ross Geller: I would, but I bruise like a peach. Besides, y...you know, everything is gonna be fine. The baby's sleeping.
Rachel Green: What if she jumped out the bassinet?
Ross Geller: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah jumped.
Rachel Green: Oh my god, I left the water running.
Ross Geller: Rach you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?
Rachel Green: Ah, did I leave the stove on?
Ross Geller: You never cooked since 1996.
Rachel Green: Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there.
Ross Geller: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think ... listen, listen!
Rachel Green: Ubb.
Ross Geller: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no-no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues as an act of aggression and grabs the baby on its talon. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still up lays are locked in a death grip, swirling around the whirl pool, that fills the apartment.
Rachel Green: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.
Waiter: Hello.
Waiter: It's been an hour. ??? be willing to reconsider switching to a smaller table.
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe we should just eat now.
Waiter: You can't order until your entire party has arrived. Restaurant policy.
Joey Tribbiani: Wha-a how about this: Another table leaves, right? But there's still some food left on their place, okay, what's the restaurant's policy about people eatin' that?
Waiter: Estrangement .
Joey Tribbiani: But it happens? I'm gotta go to the bathroom.
Phoebe Buffay: No, you can't go. No-no-no, I can't hold this table on my own. If they ask me to move, I cave.
Joey Tribbiani: If you ask me to stay, I'll pee.
Maitre D': Good evening, Miss. Miss? Miss? Miss!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, fine, I'll move. Alright, you don't have to manhandle me. Where? Okay. Thank you. Wach.
Joey Tribbiani: Finally you guys made it. Pheebs, who the hell-uhuhh!
Monica Geller: Spend more time with the tie. That'll make a baby.
Chandler Bing: Look, I can't do this. I can't make luv to you while we're fighting this way.
Monica Geller: Oh sure, now you're Mister Sensitivity. But when you wanted to have sex right after my uncle's funeral.
Chandler Bing: That was a celebration of life. Alright, look, I'm not gonna do this. Alright, is this really the way you want a baby to be conceived?
Monica Geller: No, you're right. Mnya, we shouldn't do it like this. Huch. For what it's worth, I'm, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come down on you so hard about the smoking. So you had a few cigarettes, not the end of the world.
Chandler Bing: Mean it?
Monica Geller: Yah.
Chandler Bing: You are incredible. Unless, I...I'm not gonna smoke again. And if I do, I promise, I will hide it so much better from you.
Monica Geller: D'you want to?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, let's celebrate life!
Monica Geller: 'kay.
Rachel Green: Och, god. Oh, thank god, you're okay. I'm so sorry we left you. Mom never gonna leave you again. Never ever ever again. Uch.
Ross Geller: Great. So let's get going?
Rachel Green: Oh no. I mean it. After what just happened, I'm never leaving her again.
Judy Geller: I understand, separation is hard. One time I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so upset, he took off all his clothes, tucked his ??? between his legs and cried out: "Mommy, I'm a girl, take me with you."
Ross Geller: Somehow over time it got easier to be apart from you.
Chandler Bing: Uhh. You are welcome.
Monica Geller: You know what? Let's not talk.
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: Uch. I am still so mad at you for smoking.
Chandler Bing: But you said you forgave me. It was just a couple of cigarettes-no big deal.
Monica Geller: Oh, blablablabaybaybay.
Chandler Bing: Leave it.
Monica Geller: I was just saying that because I was ovulating and you said you wouldn't have sex with me while we're fighting.
Chandler Bing: You tricked me to get me into bed?
Monica Geller: That's right, I got mine.
Chandler Bing: I feel so used.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I guess they're not coming. You wanna just order?
Joey Tribbiani: Thank you. Waiter! 'lright, this is gonna be fast, so try to keep up: Risotto with the shaped truffles and the roasted rip steak with the golden Chanterelles and a Bordelaise sauce and that any that stuff I just said means snails.
Waiter: Er-does not.
Phoebe Buffay: Tomato tart and which of the pastas would you recommend?
Waiter: Oh, they're both exclus...
Phoebe Buffay: Both it is, thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, uh, again. Can I make a special request: Can you bring everything as soon as it's ready? Appetizers, entrees, we don't care.
Waiter: I'll just wait to put your order in.
Phoebe Buffay: You guys are over an hour late. What happened to you two?
Ross Geller: I'm so sorry ...
Rachel Green: We got locked out of the apartment, we ...
Joey Tribbiani: That's a great story-can I eat it?
Ross Geller: And then Rachel wasn't sure she could leave the baby.
Rachel Green: N-it wasn't easy, but it's your birthday and I did what I got to do.
Phoebe Buffay: And that's Judy over there at the bar with Emma?
Rachel Green: Oh honey, this is for the best, thus I'm not distracted, worrying about Emma, how she's doing at home and I'm being completely here with you and, oh, she spit up!
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Green: She spit up. Judy! She spi...Judy! Look alive, Judy! Thank you.
Ross Geller: Thanks. Oh.
Rachel Green: Oh, ooh, everything looks delicious. What should I ha-ave? What should I have?
Joey Tribbiani: Never hit a woman. Never hit a woman.
Ross Geller: Y'know this ??? is incredible.
Joey Tribbiani: Ross bruises like a peach. He bruises like a peach.
Ross Geller: Okay, I'll have the fixed salad and the duck.
Rachel Green: Yah, I'll have the soup and the salmon.
Joey Tribbiani: And remember whatever comes up first. Okay? And hurry, because ...
Monica Geller: Happy birthday!
Joey Tribbiani: Son of a bitch!
Phoebe Buffay: Wher-where have you been?
Monica Geller: Well, we had a little fight.
Chandler Bing: I would never lie to get someone into bed.
Monica Geller: You used to tell girls you were a Kennedy. Ooh, uh, thanks. Wow, little tight, isn't it? How d'you get a bigger table? You-you had a big table, but they made you move. Huh-huh, shut up Monica. Whoo, I suppose that Chandler will have the smoked duck.
Chandler Bing: I suppose that Monica will have the ... manipulative shrew.
Waiter: I'll give you another minute.
Joey Tribbiani: Why are you going? He said, she wanted the shrew!
Ross Geller: Rach, c'mon, Emma is fine. You're turning into an obsessive mother. Okay, you need to stop.
Rachel Green: Y'guys ever heard the story about when Rosses mom went to the beauty salon?
Chandler Bing: You mean the lully story?
Ross Geller: Huh-huh, they already know it.
Phoebe Buffay: You guys, we've been waiting for you for a long time, maybe you should order.
Joey Tribbiani: No, no, it's okay, I already told the waiter what they want.
Monica Geller: Why would you do that?
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler, control your woman!
Rachel Green: Okay, as everybody has ordered, I would like to start the celebration and make a toast ... to Phoebe. She dropped her sock.
Phoebe Buffay: Aw ... what?
Rachel Green: N-no, Emma dropped her sock.
Monica Geller: Mom's here? I wanted to have lunch with her today, she told me she was out of town.
Rachel Green: Ross, she still has not noticed that the baby's sock is on the ground.
Phoebe Buffay: 's a good toast.
Rachel Green: Could you please get her attention?
Ross Geller: W-oa ... Mommy!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, for god's sake, Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! I'm sorry, was that rude? Di-did my, my li-little outburst blunt the hideousness that is this evening? Look, I know, you all have a lot going on, but all I wanted to do was have dinner with my friends on my birthday. And you are all so late and you didn't even have the courtesy to call. Well, it's too late now.
Ross Geller: Well, ??? think that's us?
Phoebe Buffay: well, this is, this is, this is not over! Hello?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, what is going on with you two?
Monica Geller: Uch, you see, I'm ovulating.
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, that's what she says. But maybe you're not ovulating at all, maybe it's just a clever ruse to get me into bed.
Monica Geller: Yes smokie, that is what it was. I just can't get enough.
Chandler Bing: You not gonna believe this: She lied! She tricked me into having sex with her.
Joey Tribbiani: So? Did have sex, right?
Chandler Bing: What's the matter with me? Why I'm such a girl?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, that was Mike.
Rachel Green: Phoebe, hi, we're so sorry. You're totally right. We are here one hundred per cent and we love you and we are ready to start your birthday celebration.
Phoebe Buffay: Mhuh, guys, that means the world to me. Huh, nkay, I'm gonna take off.
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I love you guys too, but Mike got off work early. Wait. Wait, I'm not t-not that kind of girl that just ditches her friends to be with her boyfriend. You know what? I am. Bye guys! Judy! Bye.
Rachel Green: Oh thank god, if Phoebe's going, can we please take Emma home?
Ross Geller: You know, I think that's a good idea-our babysitter just pounded in another Chardonnet. Bye, y'guys.
Monica Geller: Bye.
Joey Tribbiani: See ya. Well, this is just us.
Monica Geller: So, I'm, I'm probably still ovulating. Do you want to give it another try?
Chandler Bing: So you never had sex with a Kennedy, have you?
Joey Tribbiani: Do, do you gonna do it now?
Monica Geller: We don't have much time. Once the egg descended the oviduct ...
Joey Tribbiani: No-ohoh.
Maitre D': I sincerely hope the rest of your party is returning.
Joey Tribbiani: Nah, just me. All alone. Dinner for six for one, uh, you boys are about to see something really special.
Waiter: How was everything, sir?
Joey Tribbiani: Excellent. The shrew in particular was exclusive.
Waiter: Well, I hope, you got some room left.
Waiters: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear ...
Joey Tribbiani: Joey! Joey.
Waiters: ... Joey, happy birthday to you.
Joey Tribbiani: That's the best birthday ever.