Joey Tribbiani: Oh, uh, hey Rach. I uh, I was just coming over here to uh... Oh wait, I don't have to lie to you, you don't live here anymore. Uh, I'm eating their food. What are you doing?
Rachel Green: Ross is on a date with my sister and they shut the drapes two and a-half-hours ago.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, I didn't know we could date your sister!
Monica Geller: Joey we know you steal our food.
Chandler Bing: I'm good.
Monica Geller: Oh, are the drapes still closed hon?
Rachel Green: Yeah. And y'know who should've shut their drapes? Is that perverted old couple two doors over.
Chandler Bing: Is that a swing?
Rachel Green: Oh don't even ask!
Chandler Bing: Yuck!
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe Ross went out with Rachel's sister! When Chandler made out with my sister I was mad at him for 10 years.
Chandler Bing: That was like 5 years ago.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah you got 5 years left!
Chandler Bing: Joey...
Joey Tribbiani: You wanna make it 6?!
Rachel Green: Oh Ross, hi! Hey, how are ya? There you are!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Rachel Green: I'll take a coffee. So how was your big date last night?
Ross Geller: Uhh, it was okay. Yeah, it was fun.
Rachel Green: Yeah fun? Great! So uh, so did you guys hit it off?
Ross Geller: I guess so.
Rachel Green: So uh, so did anything happen? Because rumor has it you guys shut the drapes!
Ross Geller: No. No. Nothing happened. I shut the drapes to uh, show her slides of my favorite fossils.
Rachel Green: Oh, slides. So really nothing happened.
Ross Geller: Something could've happened. All right? She-she really dug my slides. And-and she was definitely giving me the vibe.
Rachel Green: Right. Was it the, "Please don't show me another picture of a trilobite vibe?"
Ross Geller: Anyway, if she, if she wasn't in to me, why-why would she ask me out again?
Rachel Green: She asked-asked you out again?
Ross Geller: Yeah-uh-huh. Tomorrow night, Valentine's Day, the most romantic day of the year. Who knows what could happen? I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my slides, if you know what I mean.
Rachel Green: Okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay! I got it! I got it! I got it! I can't! I can't! I can't! I cannot go with you and my sister thing. Okay? I just can't. It's just too weird, all right? I imagine the two of you together and I freak out. It freaks me out. I can't do it! I can't do it.
Ross Geller: Okay! Okay! Okay! It's okay. It's okay. Hey, it's too weird for you, I won't see her again.
Rachel Green: Thank you. I...yeah.
Ross Geller: I mean after tomorrow night.
Rachel Green: No-no-no! No-no-no! Please Ross, I can't! I can't do it! It's just gonna freak me out!!!
Ross Geller: Okay! Okay! Ooh-hey-hey-hey! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll-I'll tell her tonight I can't see her anymore.
Rachel Green: Ross thanks.
Ross Geller: You want me to call her right now?
Rachel Green: Oh no! No! No-no-no-no! No, I mean come on that's-that's crazy-I mean that's crazy. So what's-what's going on with you? What is going on with you?
Ross Geller: Well umm, oh! I might be teaching another class this semester!
Rachel Green: Yeah do it now, call right now.
Monica Geller: This is my favorite part.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah me too.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh y'know what's sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for three days with that movie. No wait two! Because on the third day my mother killed herself so I was partly crying for that.
Chandler Bing: Well see now that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon!
Joey Tribbiani: You didn't cry when Bambi's mother died?
Chandler Bing: Yes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer!
Monica Geller: Chandler there's nothing wrong with crying! I mean you don't have to be so macho all the time.
Chandler Bing: I'm not macho.
Monica Geller: Yeah you're right. I don't know what I was thinking.
Chandler Bing: No, I guess I just never really cried. Y'know? I'm not a crying kind of guy.
Joey Tribbiani: Come on man there's gotta be something that gets you choked up! Like uh, uh oh, what if you saw a three-legged puppy?
Chandler Bing: I'd be sad sure, but I wouldn't cry.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, what if the puppy said, "Help me Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me."
Chandler Bing: Cry?! I just found a talking puppy, I'm rich!
Monica Geller: Oh, I've got it! I have got it! Pictures from your childhood. This will get you going good!
Phoebe Buffay: All right, what's going on there?
Chandler Bing: Oh, that's Parent's Day, first grade. That's me with the janitor Martin.
Monica Geller: Where were your parents?
Chandler Bing: Oh they didn't want to come!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh Chandler!
Monica Geller: Poor thing!
Phoebe Buffay: So that story doesn't make you cry?
Chandler Bing: No! Look, I don't cry! It's not a big deal! Okay?!
Joey Tribbiani: No! It's not okay! It's not okay at all!! You're dead inside!!
The Fan: Excuse me.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah?
The Fan: Are you Phoebe Buffay?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
The Fan: Can-can I get your autograph, I'm your biggest fan.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh you're my biggest fan? I've always wanted to meet you! Hi! Sure! Yeah!
The Fan: Wow! Wow, thanks a lot! I just wanna say, I think you're really talented.
Phoebe Buffay: You're just saying that because you're my biggest fan. Joey listen, take good care of that guy, okay? He's a fan. Bye!
Joey Tribbiani: So, you saw me on Days Of Our Lives huh? Want me to, want me to do a little Dr. Drake Remoray for ya?
The Fan: I have no idea what you're talking about. But I, but I just got Phoebe Buffay's autograph!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you're Phoebe's fan!
The Fan: Oh yeah! I've seen all her movies.
Joey Tribbiani: Movies?
The Fan: That was Phoebe Buffay, the porn star.
Joey Tribbiani: I don't think so.
The Fan: No-no, it was! She was in Sex Toy Story 2, Lawrence of Alabia, and I got her autograph! The guys at the comic book store aren't gonna believe this!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Gunther, don't let that guy in here anymore! He just said Phoebe's a porn star!
Gunther: Well, I wouldn't call her a star, but she's really good. You should check out Inspecther Gadget.
Jill Green: Hey!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Jill Green: You'll never believe what just happened, Ross just totally blew me off and he didn't even tell me why!
Rachel Green: Ohhh well. Y'know what honey? The best thing to do to get over a guy is to start dating someone else. Oh! There is this great guy you will love at work named Bob! He's a real up-and-comer in Human Resources.
Jill Green: Y'know, thanks for trying to cheer me up, but I'm not gonna date some random guy from your work.
Rachel Green: It's not random, it's Bob.
Jill Green: It's probably because not mature enough. Or smart enough. Maybe he doesn't like the way I dress-No that can't be it. It's really gotta be the smart thing. Oh I'm so stupid! I'm just like this incredibly pretty stupid girl!
Rachel Green: No honey, okay, okay, you wanna know why Ross canceled the date? Because I asked him to.
Jill Green: You asked him too?!
Rachel Green: Hm-mmm.
Jill Green: Why?!
Rachel Green: Because you are my sister and Ross and I have this huge history...
Jill Green: I don't understand, do you want to go out with Ross?
Rachel Green: No.
Jill Green: You don't want him, but you don't want me to have him?
Rachel Green: Y'know Bob in Human Resources...
Jill Green: Ugh! I cannot believe you did this too me! You had me doubting how smart I was! You had me doubting my fashion sense!
Rachel Green: Look, this is not that big of a deal! You just don't date Ross! There's a million other guys out there, you just...
Jill Green: Hey! You have no right to tell me what to do.
Rachel Green: I'm not telling you what to do! I am telling you what not to do!
Jill Green: Why are you so jealous of me?
Rachel Green: Jill this is not about me being jealous of you! This is about you being a brat! Wanting what you can't have!
Jill Green: Can't have?! Excuse me, the only thing I can't have is dairy!
Rachel Green: All right, all right, well you just blew your chances at dating Bob!
Jill Green: Who?!
Rachel Green: In Human Resources!!!!!!
Rachel Green: ...I am jealous of her?! I mean who does she think she is?! Princess Caroline?!
Monica Geller: You're jealous of Princess Caroline?
Rachel Green: Do I have my own castle?
Ross Geller: Hey! Uh, Phoebe's not here is she?
Rachel Green: No.
Monica Geller: Oh great! Did you get a movie?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhhh, yeah. Yeah. But uh, I don't think it's the kind you're gonna like.
Chandler Bing: You didn't get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night did you?
Joey Tribbiani: Sort of...
Monica Geller: Guys, what's going on?
Joey Tribbiani: Phoebe's a porn star!
Everyone: What?!!
Chandler Bing: Phoebe Buffay In Buffay The Vampire Layer.
Rachel Green: Oh my God!
Monica Geller: That's Phoebe! Where did you get that?
Joey Tribbiani: Well down at the adult video place down on Bleaker.
Ross Geller: And-and I, and I saw that Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of him to-to surprise him and, and then I pretended I didn't know he was in there.
Rachel Green: Wow! I mean, I just-I can't, I can't believe this. Y'know, I mean you think you know someone even, even Phoebe who's always been somewhat of a question mark.
Monica Geller: This is so bizarre. I guess it kinda makes sense though, y'know she had such a terrible childhood.
Chandler Bing: Hey, I had a terrible childhood and I don't do porn.
Monica Geller: Yes, but you are dead inside.
Joey Tribbiani: All right well, I'd better take that back.
Monica Geller: Wh-what, why?
Joey Tribbiani: We can't watch that! I mean that's Phoebe!
Monica Geller: Yeah you're right, we can't-we shouldn't watch this.
Rachel Green: Absolutely not.
Monica Geller: Y'know maybe a little bit!
Rachel Green: Probably just the first half.
Joey Tribbiani: No! Hey no! This is wrong you guys! Phoebe's our friend! Well, I'm not gonna watch it!
Ross Geller: Yeah! Good for you Joe!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
The Vampire: Buffay, are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places?
Monica Geller: Hold on a second! What is that on her ankle?
Chandler Bing: Her ankle is what you're watching?
Rachel Green: Well it's hard to tell... Oh God, if she would just stop moving.
Chandler Bing: She's just doing her job!
Joey Tribbiani: You sick bastards!
Rachel Green: Oh, it's a tattoo! That's weird, Phoebe doesn't... Wait that's Ursula! That's not Phoebe that is Ursula!
Joey Tribbiani: Re! Re! Then I can watch that! Rewind it! Rewind it!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! What's up? Oh my God! What am I doing?!!
Monica Geller: Hey sweetie!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: Chicken Soup for the Soul?
Chandler Bing: There's no back to this couch!
Monica Geller: Why are you reading this? You hate this kind of stuff.
Chandler Bing: Yeah I know, but I figured a shot y'know? Maybe one of those stories would make me cry and then you wouldn't think I was y'know, all dead inside.
Monica Geller: Oh that's so sweet! Look Chandler I don't care if you can't cry, I love you.
Chandler Bing: Oh that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.
Monica Geller: Stop it!
Chandler Bing: No, I mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married, we're up at the altar and I'm like this.
Monica Geller: I won't care, because I know you will be feeling it all in here.
Chandler Bing: Yeah?
Monica Geller: Yeah! And if, and if we have a baby one-day, and the doctor hands it to you in the delivery room and you don't cry, so what! And-and-and, and if we take him to college and come home and see his empty room for the first time, and you got nothing, it won't matter to me.
Chandler Bing: Okay, well I won't uh, worry about this anymore then.
Monica Geller: And-and-and if I die, from a long illness. And you're writing out my eulogy and you open a desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, "I will always be with you," and you still can't shed one tiny tear, I know you'll be crying a river inside.
Chandler Bing: Aww, I love you so...
Monica Geller: What is wrong with you?!!!
Chandler Bing: What?!
Monica Geller: What?! You can't shed a tear for your dead wife!! Now, I left you a note from the beyond!
Chandler Bing: So you didn't mean any of that?!
Monica Geller: No you robot!!
Ross Geller: You damn kids! You ring my bell one more time, I swear to... Ohh, uh Jill. Umm, that-that's just a little game I play with the kids down the hall. Umm, they've really taken a liking to me. Uhh what's-what's-what's the matter?
Jill Green: Rachel and I had a really big fight, can I come in? I-I mean I know we're not supposed to see each other anymore and I'm okay with that, it's just that I don't know anybody in the city and I really need somebody to talk to about it.
Ross Geller: Of course, what happened?
Jill Green: I don't want to talk about it.
Ross Geller: Okay, umm...
Jill Green: But you know what might really cheer me up?
Ross Geller: What?
Jill Green: Seeing some more of your super-cool slides.
Ross Geller: Wow! Really?!
Jill Green: Totally, I love them! And, maybe you could finish telling me about all the different kinds of sand.
Ross Geller: Well, I'd love to! Here, you wait right here and I'll go get the projector and my notes!
Jill Green: Oh great! Thanks Ross, you're such a good friend!
Ross Geller: Ohh!
Rachel Green: Hey! Have you guys seen Jill? I can't find her anywhere.
Monica Geller: No, I haven't.
Rachel Green: Well, is Ross home? Maybe I'll just call him to see if he's actually seen her.
Ursula Buffay: Who is it?
Phoebe Buffay: It's Phoebe! Phoebe!
Ursula Buffay: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh God. So-so you're making porn movies.
Ursula Buffay: No I'm not.
Man's Voice: We're still rolling!
Phoebe Buffay: You're making one right now!
Another Man's Voice: Let's go Phoebe!
Phoebe Buffay: And-and you're using my name!
Ursula Buffay: Yeah, can I help you with something?
Same Man's Voice: Phoebe, come on!
Phoebe Buffay: Look, I'm talking right now! You're-you mean her.
Ursula Buffay: Y'know, twin stuff is always a real big seller.
Phoebe Buffay: What?!
Ursula Buffay: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars.
Phoebe Buffay: No!! No way! No! And stop using my name! And shame on you! And shame on all of you! You're disgusting! Especially you with that!
Ross Geller: Slides are almost ready.
Jill Green: Yeah. Ooh, I know what this is missing! Alcohol!
Ross Geller: Uh okay, well there's-there's wine in the kitchen.
Jill Green: Oh great!
Ross Geller: Hello?
Rachel Green: What is my sister doing there?! And why are the drapes shut?!
Ross Geller: O-okay, Rach calm-calm down, okay? She-she's really upset we're just talking.
Rachel Green: Ross! I think she is trying to make something happen with you to get back at me!
Ross Geller: So that's the only reason she could be here huh? It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that-that maybe I'm a good listener and I uh I put on a great slide show!
Rachel Green: Ross, I am telling you that she is using you to get back at me!
Ross Geller: Y'know what? I think I can take care of myself, I'll talk to you later. Good-bye. Whoa! Uh, that was your sister actually. She-she thinks that you're just using me.
Jill Green: So?
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Phoebe Buffay: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh no, not you too!
Phoebe Buffay: No! No! I just went to pick up Phoebe Buffay's checks; there were a lot of them.
Joey Tribbiani: Nice!
Phoebe Buffay: Um-mmm, and I won't have to go there anymore because I gave them my correct address.
Joey Tribbiani: That's great, but isn't it gonna bother that people still think you're a porn star?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh no! No! I know how to handle it.
Joey Tribbiani: You do?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. You're trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, I'll give you a hint. From porn! Okay? Yeah your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie! See?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Ross Geller: You uh, you may have been right about Jill.
Rachel Green: Oh! I knew it! What happened?
Ross Geller: Umm, she kissed me.
Rachel Green: What?! You kissed!
Chandler Bing: Maybe we should give them some privacy.
Monica Geller: Shhhh!!!
Ross Geller: Look, I uh, I tried not to kiss her, okay?
Rachel Green: Well, it doesn't sound like it! I mean, it's pretty easy not to kiss someone, you just don't kiss them! See look at us, right now, not kissing!
Ross Geller: Let me finish, okay? She started kissing me and-and I didn't stop it. I guess I-I just wasn't thinking...
Rachel Green: Yeah that's right you weren't thinking! Y'know what? Let me give you something to think about!
Ross Geller: Oh wait-hold it! But then I started thinking and I stopped the kissing.
Rachel Green: Oh, well thank you for taking your tongue out of my sister's mouth long enough to tell me that.
Ross Geller: Look I-I realize if anything were to happen with me and Jill then nothing could ever happen with us!
Rachel Green: What?!
Ross Geller: No, I mean, look I don't know if anything is going to happen with us, again. Ever. But I don't want to know that it-it never could. So I stopped it and she got mad and broke my projector.
Rachel Green: Wow. I, I don't even know what to say. Thank you.
Ross Geller: You're welcome.
Monica Geller: Oh my God! Are-are you crying?
Chandler Bing: I just don't see why those two can't work things out!
Jill Green: All right, I'm leaving! Because I'm not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That's you Rachel!
Rachel Green: Yeah, I got that.
Jill Green: And you! I throw myself at you and you say no, how gay are you?
Ross Geller: You take care Jill.
Jill Green: Okay, see ya!
Rachel Green: Bye-bye-e!
Monica Geller: Bye.
Chandler Bing: I-I can't believe Jill's gone. I can't help it, I opened a gate.


Rachel Green: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
Monica Geller: Oh my God!
Phoebe Buffay: Wow!
Joey Tribbiani: What is the matter with you?!
Phoebe Buffay: No! Barry and Mindy.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. Who-who's Barry and Mindy?
Rachel Green: Barry was the guy that I was almost married and Mindy was my best friend.
Joey Tribbiani: Ohh-oh, wasn't he cheating on you with her?
Rachel Green: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Monica Geller: Why did they get divorced?
Rachel Green: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isn't that sad? God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?
Ross Geller: I know what you mean, I've always wondered how different my life would be if-if I'd never gotten divorced.
Phoebe Buffay: Which time?
Ross Geller: The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadn't realized she was a lesbian.
Joey Tribbiani: I can't. I keep seeing it the good way.
Ross Geller: I'd bet I'd still be doing my kara-tay. Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from y'know, not doing anything else physical.
Chandler Bing: Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay.
Monica Geller: And what if I was still fat? Well, you wouldn't be dating me, that's for sure.
Chandler Bing: Sure I would!
Everyone: Oh yeah! Come on! Yeah right!
Chandler Bing: What, you guys really think that I'm that shallow?
Ross Geller: No, I just think Monica was that fat.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days Of Our Lives! Oh-hey, there's Carol again!
Chandler Bing: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? I'd probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my job's fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I don't have to wear a tie.
Phoebe Buffay: What if I had taken that job at Merrill Lynch?
Ross Geller: What?!
Rachel Green: Merrill Lynch?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I had a massage client who worked there and-and he said I had a knack for stocks.
Rachel Green: Well why didn't you take the job?
Phoebe Buffay: Because at that time you see, I thought everything that rhymed was true. So I thought y'know that if I'd work with stocks, I'd have to live in a box, and only eat lox, and have a pet fox.
Ross Geller: Hey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, we'd still hang out?
Ross Geller: Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Rachel Green: Rob Tillman!
Ross Geller: No-no. It's-it's me, Ross!
Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sorry. Ross Tillman.
Ross Geller: No, no-no, Ross Geller.
Rachel Green: Ohh, of course Monica's brother!
Ross Geller: Yeah. Right.
Rachel Green: Wow! How are you?!
Ross Geller: Good-good, I'm-I'm married.
Rachel Green: Ohh! Me too!
Ross Geller: Is-isn't it the best?
Rachel Green: Oh, it's the best! So, umm how's Monica?
Ross Geller: Oh really, really great! Yeah! A-actually she's right down the street, umm, do-do you know what? You should stop bye and say hi.
Rachel Green: Ohh, I would love too.
Ross Geller: Yeah? Oh-oh, she'd be so excited!
Rachel Green: Ohh! Okay!
Ross Geller: Come on!
Rachel Green: Oh wait, don't you have to pay for your, Busty Ladies?
Ross Geller: No, it's okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I don't...
Rachel Green: Oh yeah? Okay.
Ross Geller: Okay.
Rachel Green: But! Don't you have to give him his money back?
Ross Geller: Uh-huh. Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. Okay, let's go see Monica!
Joey Tribbiani: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Monica Geller: He's not boring! He's just-he's just low key.
Monica's Boyfriend: Here we go, one Hazelnut Latte.
Monica Geller: Thanks.
Monica's Boyfriend: Yeah. Y'know, the hazelnut actually not a nut, it's a seed.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow!!
Monica's Boyfriend: Can anyone else name a well known seed that's been masquerading as a nut?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh dear God, let me think.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey.
Monica Geller: Oh no! What's the matter?
Chandler Bing: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny."
Monica's Boyfriend: Y'know what honey? I got to get back to the hospital.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Monica's Boyfriend: Okay.
Monica Geller: Bye.
Monica's Boyfriend: Bye-bye. Oh uh, by the way, the answer is, the Brazil nut.
Chandler Bing: Was his question what's more boring than him?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey man, look sorry about that Archie thing. Do uh, do you need me to give you some money?
Chandler Bing: Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride.
Joey Tribbiani: Really?
Chandler Bing: Ehh.
Monica Geller: Maybe Joey doesn't have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Joey Tribbiani: That's an idea! Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her?
Monica Geller: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
Joey Tribbiani: That's great! That would be great! Let's do that!
Chandler Bing: I could use the money; it could give me time to write.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh right great! Welcome aboard!
Chandler Bing: Okay!
Joey Tribbiani: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I don't need any assistance in there, take a break!
Chandler Bing: All right!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey Phoebe! Guess what?
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Monica Geller: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh that's so sweet! Oh! Hang on! Hang onnnnnn!!! Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, it's a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, it's okay. It's okay, you're allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
Ross Geller: Hey Mon!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Ross Geller: Mon, look who I ran into!
Monica Geller: Oh my God! Rachel!! You look terrific!
Rachel Green: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight?
Monica Geller: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
Ross Geller: And, and uh, you-you remember my friend Chandler.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah.
Ross Geller: And that's Phoebe over there!
Phoebe Buffay: Hi!
Monica Geller: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since we've seen each other?
Ross Geller: 1987, the day after Christmas, at Sean McMahon's party. I played you one of my songs, y'know Interplanetary Courtship Ritual.
Rachel Green: Oh yeah. Right. So now, are-do you, do you still do music?
Ross Geller: Sometimes, you should come over sometime! I'll play you one of my other...
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here!
Monica Geller: Rach, he's a friend of ours.
Rachel Green: You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
Chandler Bing: Well it's kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he's not real.
Ross Geller: Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here sometime!
Rachel Green: He's coming over! He's coming over!
Monica Geller: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: I know, here-here!!
Monica Geller: Ohhh! No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Rachel Green: Hi!
Joey Tribbiani: Hi!
Rachel Green: Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tired to kill you...
Joey Tribbiani: Well, it's always nice to meet the fans.
Rachel Green: Ah!
Joey Tribbiani: She's not crazy is she?
Monica Geller: No.
Joey Tribbiani: So uh, how you doin'?
Phoebe Buffay: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Go!! Who's this? Oh okay, you're gonna like working for me. What's your name? What kind of name is Brendy? I... Whatever... Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey there you are!
Chandler Bing: Uh-oh, it's my boss!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, here's a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work I'm delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine!
Chandler Bing: Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins. Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans.
Monica Geller: You realize what you are don't you?
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: You're his bitch.
Phoebe Buffay: No-no!! No!!
Monica Geller: Oh wait! You didn't just sit on my Kit-Kats did you?!!
Phoebe Buffay: No! There-there was a little, a little diff in the market and I lost 13 million dollars.
Chandler Bing: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!
Phoebe Buffay: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I can't call my office they'll kill me! I can't call my clients they'll kill themselves! Great, now my chest hearts.
Monica Geller: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: My chest hurts! Oh, and now I-I can't breathe.
Chandler Bing: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, if I were, would-would I have shooting pains up and down my left arm?
Monica Geller: Yes!!
Phoebe Buffay: Then yes that is what I'm having.
Monica Geller: Oh my God!
Ross Geller: Come on Pheebs, it's not that bad! Y'know most people would be excited if they didn't have to work for a couple of weeks.
Phoebe Buffay: Most people don't like their jobs, I love my job! I have not been working for three hours and I'm already going crazy. I miss Joan.
Monica Geller: Honey, having a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow it down.
Chandler Bing: I always thought having a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die! But you're not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but you're not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Monica Geller: Let's take a walk. Y'know maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine!
Phoebe Buffay: So what's going on with you?
Ross Geller: Well umm, I've been doing a lot more of my kara-tay.
Phoebe Buffay: Still going through that dry spell with Carol?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: How long has it been since you had sex?
Ross Geller: Well, last weekend...
Phoebe Buffay: Oh that's not so bad.
Ross Geller: ...will be two months...
Phoebe Buffay: That is.
Ross Geller: ...since I stopped trying.
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe you need to spice things up a little.
Ross Geller: What-what do you mean?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each other...
Ross Geller: Oh.
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, dirty talk, mnage trois, toys...
Ross Geller: Wow!
Phoebe Buffay: Roll playing... You could be the warden; she could be the prisoner. You could be the pirate; she could be the wench!
Ross Geller: Okay, I think I got it.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and you're-you're-you're rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybody's watching! It never happened.
Monica Geller: Sorry. So how's it going with Joey?
Chandler Bing: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "I'm with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "I'm lost and I can't find food."
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Is uh, is she gonna be all right?
Monica Geller: Yeah! She's right in there!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh great. Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
Joey Tribbiani: All right, and over there is Brady's Pub where I like to unwind after a long day of surgeoning.
Rachel Green: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, that is a large piece of television equipment. And uh that is an old man! Hey old man!
Rachel Green: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: All righty, what do you say we head back to my place?
Rachel Green: Wow! Umm, y'know, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldn't.
Joey Tribbiani: Why? Why can't the world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for us?
Rachel Green: Isn't that a line from the show?!
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, yeah but uh, I may have said those things before but, I never truly meant them. Until now.
Rachel Green: That's a line from the show too!
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, you watch too much TV.
Chandler Bing: Here you go Joe, here's the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks! Yeah, there's pulp in that.
Chandler Bing: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: I thought we talked about this. I don't like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isn't juice. All juice, okay?
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry, I guess I just like the pulp.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God, I'm sorry, I'm being so rude. Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Rachel Green: Yeah sure, iced tea would be great.
Joey Tribbiani: Iced tea.
Chandler Bing: Okay, anything for you sir?
Joey Tribbiani: Did I not just tell him?
Rachel Green: Yes, you did.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay look, Chandler, if this you have got to listen! You're gonna throw that juice at me, aren't ya?
Chandler Bing: It's not all juice!
Ross Geller: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.
Carol Willick: Yeah! And maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.
Ross Geller: Look Carol umm, I was, I was thinking maybe uh, maybe we can spice things up a little.
Carol Willick: What do you mean?
Ross Geller: Carol our sex life is-it's just not working...
Ben Geller: Dad!!
Ross Geller: Hey there little fella! Hey, uh-hey, why don't we get some shoes on ya, huh? Hey, why don't you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room! Yay!!
Ben Geller: Yay!
Ross Geller: Yay! Seriously, our sex life... I was thinking, maybe I don't know, we could try some-some new things. Y'know? For fun?
Carol Willick: Like what?
Ross Geller: Well I don't know umm, what if we were too tie each other up? Umm, some people eat stuff off one another. Nah! Umm, y'know we-we could try dirty talk? Umm, we could, we could have a threesome.
Carol Willick: I love that idea!
Chandler Bing: Who sold a story to Archie Comics?!
Monica Geller: Oh my God! That's great! Oh wow! You're a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
Chandler Bing: Aww.
Monica Geller: Wait a minute! My last Kit-Kat bar!
Chandler Bing: You wanna share it?
Monica Geller: Okay!!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know you're mad, but I just want to say I'm sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Y'know? I mean, y'know how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica Geller: It's not mayonnaise!!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, o-o-o-o-okay anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Here.
Chandler Bing: What's this?
Joey Tribbiani: Fresh squeezed orange juice, with pulp! Just the way you like it.
Chandler Bing: Aww, thanks man.
Monica Geller: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God! That's great! Congratulations! What's the story?!
Chandler Bing: Oh you wouldn't uh, care. It's just a stupid comic book story.
Joey Tribbiani: Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gang!
Chandler Bing: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy , uh but he doesn't want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assist-as his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that can't have lumps in them.
Joey Tribbiani: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? 'Cause I think I read it!
Rachel Green: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Monica Geller: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!
Rachel Green: Ohh! And I'm one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Monica Geller: Well, y'know it's none of my business, but aren't you married?
Rachel Green: Yeah. Oh I just wish we could not be married for a little bit! Y'know I just wish we could be like on a break!
Monica Geller: Well, you're not.
Rachel Green: Oh, it's so easy for you I mean, you're not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want!
Monica Geller: Yeah I can! And don't think I don't, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha!
Rachel Green: Monica. You've, you've done it right?
Monica Geller: Of course I have! What do you think, I'm some 30 year old virgin?
Rachel Green: Oh my God! You're a 30 year old virgin!
Monica Geller: Say it louder, I don't think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
Guy All The Way In The Back: Yeah, I heard it.
Monica Geller: It's not like, I haven't any opportunities. I mean, y'know, I'm just waiting for the perfect guy. I'm seeing this guy Roger, all right? He's not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Y'know, give him my flower.
Rachel Green: Oh my God!! Do it!! Honey, you've waited long enough!!
Monica Geller: Y'know what? You are right?!
Rachel Green: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldn't be all this rules and restrictions! Y'know, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever...
Monica Geller: Rachel! I'm never gonna think it's okay for you to cheat on your husband!
Rachel Green: Oh what do you know? Virgin!
Monica Geller: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah, the doctor said that could be one of the side effects.
Monica Geller: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!
Phoebe Buffay: No! It's not a cigarette! The smoke is coming out of me!
Monica Geller: Put it out!!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay! Okay! I'm so glad you're here.
Ross Geller: Come on. I got it.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, give it to me.
Ross Geller: I got it!
Phoebe Buffay: Give it!
Ross Geller: Hello? No she can't come to the phone right now. Oh, right no problem. Okay, bye-bye.
Phoebe Buffay: Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?!
Ross Geller: J-j-just relax, nobody yelled. Jack just was calling to make sure that you were getting better.
Phoebe Buffay: Thank God.
Ross Geller: Yeah, she's fired.
Nurse: You've done all you can Dr. Wesley. You have got to let her go.
Dr. Wesley: Good-bye and God speed, Hope Brady.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: Not so fast Wesley!
Dr. Wesley: Remoray!
Dr. Drake Ramoray: That's right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, you're not a real doctor! And that woman's brain, is fine!
Rachel Green: Oh! Thank God!
Dr. Drake Ramoray: Hope! Hope!
Hope: Drake!
Dr. Drake Ramoray: You're not dying Hope, you're gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
Hope: Oh Drake.
Rachel Green: Okay! Here we go! Okay! Hi, Joey! It's Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.


Ross Geller: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find...
Carol Willick: Ooh, actually I've been making a list of all the women I know who might be into doing this!
Ross Geller: Oh. Wow! Huh. Boy! Well, someone's been doing their homework.
Carol Willick: Yeah. Ooh, and I know Gail Rosten is in there twice, but she is so...
Ross Geller: Oh, I know. Y'know, just-just talking about it is getting me kinda...
Carol Willick: Oh, me too.
Ross Geller: Yeah? Well, I-I think Ben's asleep.
Carol Willick: Oh umm, y'know I think it would be better if we just save it.
Ross Geller: Yeah. Right. Save it. I can do that.
Ross Geller: Hey, Pheebs!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey.
Ross Geller: Hey, how's it going?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, I've got to get out of this bed, I'm going crazy here. Crazy!
Monica Geller: Here you go sweetie.
Phoebe Buffay: What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea!
Monica Geller: But, I put some honey in it.
Ross Geller: She doesn't know she was fired yet, does she?
Chandler Bing: No, the doctors say it may kill her.
Phoebe Buffay: What are you two girls whispering about over there?!
Chandler Bing: But I think we should tell her.
Ross Geller: Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you should start think about getting a different job.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, what is this? A stupid contest? Because we got a winner here!
Chandler Bing: Listen Phoebe, he's right. People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.
Phoebe Buffay: I know! But if I didn't work there, what else would I do?
Monica Geller: Well, you used to like playing the guitar.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah that was lucrative! Smart like your brother!
Chandler Bing: Uh, what about y'know the massage thing? That never gave you a heart attack.
Phoebe Buffay: Hmm, pulling in a salary in the high six figures or rubbing gross naked people for chump change-ooh, what do I do?! What will I do?!
Rachel Green: Ohh, I mean it's just so realistic!
Joey Tribbiani: I know. Yeah, his name is Pat.
Rachel Green: Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!!
Joey Tribbiani: Do you uh, do you-ready for a refill?
Rachel Green: Oh, I probably shouldn't-so I will! Oh! Wow! It's like it's raining!
Joey Tribbiani: Pretty cool, huh? But if you're thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldn't get sucked up into the mechanism, well you'd be wrong.
Rachel Green: Umm, can I use your bathroom?
Joey Tribbiani: It's uh, right through there.
Rachel Green: Okay. God y'know, if someone told me a week ago that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbiani's apartment...
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, life's pretty great isn't it?
Rachel Green: Yeah, it sure is!
Monica Geller: I hope you're hungry, we're starting with oysters. And y'know what they say about oysters, don't you?
Dr. Roger: They have parasites?
Monica Geller: No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac.
Dr. Roger: What people?
Monica Geller: People! People say it! Come here!
Dr. Roger: So oysters, huh?
Monica Geller: And then we're gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands.
Dr. Roger: Y'know, it's funny, but when we were studying communicable diseases...
Monica Geller: No-no-no, no! It's sensual!
Dr. Roger: Ohh! Didn't know! Okay!
Monica Geller: Okay! Ohhh no!
Dr. Roger: I'm sorry sweetie, it's the hospital. The food looks great, maybe save me some?
Monica Geller: I can't promise anything.
Ross Geller: We're really gonna do this, huh?
Carol Willick: Looks like it.
Ross Geller: Y'know, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out at...
Carol Willick: I got it!
Ross Geller: Okay.
Carol Willick: Susan! Hi!
Susan Bunch: Hey!
Carol Willick: Thank you so much for coming.
Susan Bunch: Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Ross Geller: I'm-I'm Ross by the way.
Susan Bunch: Hello Ross. I love what you've done with this space.
Carol Willick: Thank you so much.
Ross Geller: How hot is this?!
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry you're here with me instead of Roger.
Monica Geller: Yeah, me too.
Chandler Bing: Well, I could make it seem like he's here. "Here's some little known facts about cous-cous. They didn't add the second cous until 1979."
Monica Geller: Stop it!! That's not funny!!
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: I'm sorry, okay? It just-tonight was supposed to be y'know, it was supposed to be a big deal.
Chandler Bing: What was tonight?
Monica Geller: You don't want to know what tonight was.
Chandler Bing: Okay. What was tonight?
Monica Geller: Well, tonight was-was going to be my first time.
Chandler Bing: With Roger? Not just with Roger?! Oh my God!
Monica Geller: All right relax Mr. I've Had Sex Four Times!
Chandler Bing: Four different women! I've had sex way more times!
Monica Geller: How many?
Chandler Bing: Nine.
Monica Geller: I was just waiting for the perfect guy.
Chandler Bing: Well good, good for you. You really think that Roger is the perfect guy?
Monica Geller: No. He's not a horrible guy.
Chandler Bing: Hey that's what I tell girls about me.
Monica Geller: Chandler, I'm gonna die a virgin!
Chandler Bing: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Monica Geller: Oh really? When? Do you wanna do it with me?
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: I was kidding.
Chandler Bing: So was I.
Rachel Green: Joey, you're such an amazing actor! How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
Rachel Green: Wow! Tell me something Joey-Whoa! I just fell right off the couch there.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah you did.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Here you go. Let me ask you a question.
Rachel Green: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are?
Rachel Green: Wow! I can't, I can't feel my hands.
Joey Tribbiani: Come, come here.
Chandler Bing: We can't do this.
Monica Geller: No! Oyster?
Chandler Bing: Yeah! If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, y'know? Because you've been waiting a very long time and I wouldn't want to disappoint you.
Monica Geller: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if you're horrible, how would I know?
Chandler Bing: I do like that.
Monica Geller: It's harder for me! I have those four other women to compete with!
Chandler Bing: Well, if it helps there were only three. So it would just be for tonight, right?
Monica Geller: Absolutely! It would just be one friend helping out another friend.
Chandler Bing: Stop it! We're doing this! Let's do it!
Monica Geller: Noo!! Okay!!
Chandler Bing: Okay!
Monica Geller: Umm, do you have any uhh, moves?
Chandler Bing: I have some moves.
Monica Geller: I have no moves. Okay, whatcha doin' there?! Oh y'know what? I'm sorry, this is just too weird.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, let's just forget it.
Monica Geller: What if I turn out the lights?
Chandler Bing: Okay!
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah.
Monica Geller: Chandler?
Chandler Bing: Yeah?
Monica Geller: That's the couch.
Chandler Bing: Oh my God!
Monica Geller: I know! I'll tell you something, we are gonna do that again!
Chandler Bing: Oh, okay!
Joey Tribbiani: Morning!
Rachel Green: Oh right.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Oh God. Oh I can't believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!
Joey Tribbiani: Well he actually saw you a little bit too.
Rachel Green: Noo! Oh God we did-we didn't, we didn't uhh...
Joey Tribbiani: No! No! No, not after seeing that.
Rachel Green: God I'm just a horrible person.
Joey Tribbiani: Wh-why?
Rachel Green: Because I'm married. That's right, I am a married woman! And I came to a TV star's apartment to have an affair! Uck!
Joey Tribbiani: That's ridiculous! I'm not a "Star," just a regular famous actor.
Rachel Green: Yeah and I'm a horrible, horrible person.
Joey Tribbiani: Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-hey look, remember on the show when-when Caprice was dying and she gave me...
Rachel Green: The ring from the cave, yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow! Uh okay, well uh...
Rachel Green: Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!
Joey Tribbiani: Sure! As long as they don't find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
Rachel Green: No! No-no-no...
Joey Tribbiani: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, you've had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didn't. And that's what this ring stands for.
Rachel Green: But I thought that ring stood for Caprice's undying love for her brother.
Joey Tribbiani: Look, do you want the ring or not?!
Rachel Green: Yeah!
Ross Geller: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Ross Geller: Look at you! You're up!
Joey Tribbiani: All right!
Phoebe Buffay: I thought I'd try to take a walk. Would you pour me some water? I'll be back soon.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You're not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
Phoebe Buffay: No. I've learned my lesson.
Phoebe Buffay: Let's go! Come on! Move it! Come on! Shoes! Briefcase! Thanks Lou, good luck with the gall bladder.
Ross Geller: Hey Joe did... Did you ever have a threesome?
Joey Tribbiani: Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carol's great and I'm sure you're a very attractive man, but I...
Ross Geller: No! The reason I'm asking is that... I sorta had one last night.
Joey Tribbiani: You?
Ross Geller: Yeah!
Joey Tribbiani: Wow!
Ross Geller: Yeah!
Joey Tribbiani: All right! So, was it amazing?
Ross Geller: It was, it was okay.
Joey Tribbiani: Just okay-Did you do it right?!
Ross Geller: Look, it's just did, did you ever go to a party and think, "Would really anyone miss me if I weren't here?"
Joey Tribbiani: Huh. But still Ross, you're worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Y'know what I mean?
Ross Geller: Oh-oh, absolutely!
Ross Geller: It's just, my part seemed to be over pretty quickly and then, and then there was a lot of waiting around.
Joey Tribbiani: But you got to be with both of them, right?
Ross Geller: Not-not really. Th-th-there was just Carol.
Joey Tribbiani: Not the other one?
Ross Geller: No, she kept kicking me away!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you don't want that.
Ross Geller: No!
Joey Tribbiani: Well hey, at least you got to see a lot of stuff, right?
Ross Geller: Oh I a lot of stuff!
Joey Tribbiani: You got a little bored?
Ross Geller: A little. Yeah. I made a snack.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah? What did ya have?
Ross Geller: Just a sandwich. Turkey, a little mustard...
Joey Tribbiani: Sounds good.
Ross Geller: It really was!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that was you!
Monica Geller: Hey, check me out, I'm a slut!
Chandler Bing: So you uh, want to do something tonight?
Monica Geller: Oh I can't. Dr. Roger is coming over again.
Chandler Bing: Oh. Oh right! Right! Because you're still seeing him and uh, he's a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when...
Monica Geller: Are you okay?
Chandler Bing: Yeah! Totally! Totally, and you?
Monica Geller: Great! It's so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then after being with you I'm all like, "Can the doctor see me now?"
Chandler Bing: I bet he can.
Monica Geller: Y'know, I don't have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. Are you sure you're okay?
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah! Yeah! Don't worry about me, I'll be fine!
Rachel Green: Ohh! My God! Barry!!
Barry Farber: You-you-you said you were gonna be away all weekend!
Rachel Green: Oh that's right! I'm sorry! I-I am early! Finish! Please!!
Phoebe Buffay: Surprise! Look who's back!
Arthur: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Arthur: Call security. Pheebs, didn't you get fired?
Phoebe Buffay: Uh, I don't think so!
Jack: Phoebe?
Phoebe Buffay: Jack!! Hey!
Jack: What are you doing here?
Phoebe Buffay: All better! Back to work! Except this clown from research told me I was fired. He should do his research, huh?
Jack: Well, you were fired.
Phoebe Buffay: Nu-uh!
Jack: I told that guy who answered your phone.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay I didn't get that message. So this doesn't count-Anyway, I'll be in my office.
Jack: Uh, Phoebe you-you don't have an office.
Phoebe Buffay: That's all right, I'll work here. This is goo, next to this plant.
Jack: Phoebe, listen...
Phoebe Buffay: You're in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake...
Jack: You lost 13 million dollars.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, so this is all about money! Y'know it's bad enough that-Ow! Oh, you have got to be kidding!
Jack: Are you all right?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm having another heart attack!
Jack: What?!
Phoebe Buffay: I'm having another heart attack!! Call 9-1-1!!
Jack: Take it easy.
Phoebe Buffay: Dumbass!
Woman: Hey Pheebs! How's it going?!
Phoebe Buffay: Well, they fired me and I'm having heart attack.
Woman: Wow! Well, welcome back!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Hi Ross!
Ross Geller: Hey Rachel.
Rachel Green: Is Joey Tribbiani here?
Ross Geller: Umm, no.
Rachel Green: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that I'm looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up!
Ross Geller: That-that's always good news. Are you okay?
Rachel Green: Me? I'm great! I'm fine! I'm sooo good!! But, you know who's not great?! Men! You're a man right Ross?!
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel Green: Sit down!
Ross Geller: Okay.
Rachel Green: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you we're going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbor's dog walker?!
Ross Geller: We're sorry.
Rachel Green: No seriously! Seriously! What has happened to the sanctity of marriage?
Ross Geller: Didn't you spend last night at Joey's?
Rachel Green: Aw what are you?! A detective?
Ross Geller: Look I-I don't know what's going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Ross Geller: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym!
Rachel Green: Who are these men?
Ross Geller: Men. I guy I know.
Rachel Green: Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife is gay.
Ross Geller: She is not... She's gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I can't believe this.
Rachel Green: Good day for married people huh?
Ross Geller: I'm sorry your husband cheated on you.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry your wife is gay. I guess women aren't that great either.
Ross Geller: Try telling my wife that.
Chandler Bing: Okay to come in?
Monica Geller: Yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want. Dr. Roger got beeped again.
Chandler Bing: Yeah I know, guess who beeped him?
Monica Geller: What?!
Chandler Bing: I'm the ruptured spleen.
Monica Geller: Why would you do that?
Chandler Bing: Because you shouldn't be with him. You should be with me.
Monica Geller: Really?
Chandler Bing: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they don't just happen. Y'know? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning y'know I was just lying there and I couldn't wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always y'know with a friend.
Monica Geller: Chandler!
Chandler Bing: I know you probably don't want to go out with me, y'know because I make too many jokes and I've never been in a serious relationship and I guess I'm not technically a "doctor..."
Monica Geller: There was just one woman, wasn't there?
Chandler Bing: No, there were two.
Monica Geller: Including me?
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see.../One of them won't do it, but the second one will set you free.../Tell all your hate and anger, it's time to say good-bye.../And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die!/La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la...


Ross Geller: Hey, remember when I had a monkey?
Chandler Bing: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Yeah, what, what was I thinking?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! So, what's with the 20 percent tip? Did I do something wrong?
Chandler Bing: Twenty percent is a pretty generous tip Joe.
Joey Tribbiani: Y'know what's more generous than that?! Fifty percent! Y'know what's even more generous than that?!!
Chandler Bing: I see where you're goin'!
Ross Geller: What's up with the greed Joe?
Joey Tribbiani: All right, look I'm sorry you guys, but it's just that I gotta get these new head shots made. And they're really expensive, y'know? I'm down to like three! Well, actually two 'cause one of 'em I kinda blackened in some teeth-Why did I do that?!
Ross Geller: Well isn't there something you can do to earn a little extra money? I mean, can't-can't you pick up, I don't know, an extra shift here?
Phoebe Buffay: Or, y'know, I used to beg for money. Of course it helps if you've got y'know a little of this goin' on. Wow! I still have it!
Ross Geller: Oh, wait! Wait! Don't you have an audition today? Yeah! Maybe you'll get that job!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, ha-ha-ha! Ooh! Wait a minute, I used to get medical experiments down on me all the time!
Chandler Bing: Ah, finally an explanation.
Joey Tribbiani: No-no! I used to get paid for all kinds of medical stuff, remember? Let's see uh, well I don't want to donate sperm again. I really prefer doing that at the home office y'know? Ooh-ooh, maybe they want like some of my blood or-or spit or something, huh?
Gunther: Joey!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah?
Gunther: What did I tell you about talking to your friends while you're working?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh do it?
Gunther: That guy has been waiting for his coffee for ten minutes! He's complained about you three times!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, where was I?
Ross Geller: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey!
Ross Geller: Hey, what have you guys been up to?
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh! We went to a self-defense class today!
Ross Geller: Wow!
Rachel Green: Yeah, kicking a guy in the crotch all morning really takes it out of ya!
Joey Tribbiani: Takes it out of you?
Phoebe Buffay: Now, we can kick anybody's ass!
Rachel Green: Yeah!
Ross Geller: After one class? I don't think so.
Rachel Green: What? You wanna see me self-defend myself?! Go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!!
Ross Geller: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that's not enough. Look, I studying kara-tay for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi.
Rachel Green: Isn't that a kind of sushi?
Ross Geller: No, it's a concept!
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah it is! It is! It's freshwater eel!
Ross Geller: All right, maybe it means that too...
Rachel Green: Ohh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now!
Ross Geller: Y'know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don't even care!
Phoebe Buffay: Come on Ross. We're sorry. Please tell us what it is.
Ross Geller: Unagi is a state of total awareness. Okay? Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you!
Phoebe Buffay: You mean in case someone is trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your kettle of fish?
Ross Geller: All I'm saying is, it's one thing being prepared for an attack against like each other; whole another story being prepared for an attack, I don't know, like a surprise!!
Ross Geller: All right, you know that one was coming, but that doesn't mean you have unagi.
Rachel Green: Ooh! Y'know what? If we made reservations, we could have unagi in about a half-hour.
Ross Geller: Y'know what...
Chandler Bing: Hey-hey, is Monica here?
Phoebe Buffay: No.
Ross Geller: No.
Chandler Bing: Okay, look I need your help, I don't know what to get her for Valentine's Day.
Rachel Green: Well, Valentine's Day was like two weeks ago, so I wouldn't get her a calendar!
Chandler Bing: She was working on Valentine's Day so we're celebrating it tonight.
Joey Tribbiani: Ohh, hey! Why don't you book a date for both of you at one of those romantic spas?
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, Joey, that's actually a really good idea!
Joey Tribbiani: And of course, crotchless panties.
Chandler Bing: Well appealing as that does sound to her boyfriend and her brother, I can't do that we promised we'd make each other gifts this year.
Rachel Green: Aw, I love that.
Phoebe Buffay: You guys!
Joey Tribbiani: You can't make crotchless panties? You take, you take a pair of scissors and you just cut...
Rachel Green: Okay-okay-okay! So, making things. That sounds like so much fun.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I thought so to until I paper mached one of my eyes shut.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I love paper mache! What did you make?
Chandler Bing: I made a...
Phoebe Buffay: What is that?
Chandler Bing: Nothing!
Ross Geller: So what are you gonna do?
Chandler Bing: Well, have you guys made anything that maybe I can take credit for?
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh! I have! I have! I started making these little sock bunnies! Oh for crying out loud!
Rachel Green: Hey, wait a minute! That is my sock!
Phoebe Buffay: Now, it's you little bunny friend.
Chandler Bing: This, this actually is a...
Monica Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: Hey! Honey, can I ask you a question about the Valentine's Day gifts?
Monica Geller: Oh, yeah.
Chandler Bing: Do we have to make the entire thing?
Monica Geller: Yes! Why, did you-you forget to make yours?
Chandler Bing: Of course, of course not. I just have to uh, go over to the place where I-I made it and pick-pick it up.
Monica Geller: Okay. Okay, I can't wait! This is going to be the best Valentine's Day ever! I can't believe it! Make the presents! Make the presents!
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica Geller: I'm just so excited to make the presents! Shoot!
Joey Tribbiani: Hi uh, I'm Joey Tribbiani and with all do respect I'd like to donate some fluids.
Receptionist: We're actually at the end of one of our research cycles, so we're not looking for applicants right now.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh that's too bad. I've kinda been saving up. Uh, are you sure there's no studies I can participate in?
Receptionist: Well, here's a schedule of what's coming up.
Joey Tribbiani: Thanks. Well but this one starts now.
Receptionist: Oh that one is available now, but only identical twins are eligible. It's a twins study.
Joey Tribbiani: But it's $2,000.
Receptionist: Sorry.
Joey Tribbiani: Well how about this one? Testing the effects of Joey Tribbiani on attractive nurse receptionists.
Receptionist: We already got the results back on that on, and they're not good.
Ross Geller: DANGER!!! DANGER!!!!!
Phoebe Buffay: Ross!!!
Rachel Green: What the hell was that?!
Ross Geller: A lesson in the importance of unagi.
Phoebe Buffay: Ohh, you're a freak!!
Ross Geller: Perhaps. Now I'm curious, at what point during those girlish screams would you have begun to kick my ass?
Rachel Green: All right, so we weren't prepared!
Ross Geller: I'm sorry I had to take such drastic measures to make my point, but I-look, I just want you guys to be safe. DANGER!!!!! Ahhh, huh? Unagi.
Joey Tribbiani: 2,000 bucks is a lot of money. Oh, I wish I had a twin. Where could I find someone who looks exactly like me?
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Ross Geller: Chandler. I sensed it was you.
Chandler Bing: What?!
Ross Geller: Unagi. I'm always aware.
Chandler Bing: Okay, are you aware unagi is an eel?
Ross Geller: What's up?
Chandler Bing: I can't figure out what to make Monica.
Ross Geller: Oh, why don't you make her one of your little jokes.
Chandler Bing: I'm going crazy! Okay? Do you have any thing around here that looks homemade?
Ross Geller: Y'know what? She'd-she'd love this. Uh, it's an exact replica of Apollo 8. I made it in the sixth grade.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I guess I could use that. I could say that your love sends me to the moon.
Ross Geller: Yeah-yeah, except Apollo 8 didn't actually land on the moon. But you-you-you could write that umm, your love lets me orbit the moon twice and return safely.
Chandler Bing: Wait a minute, I can't give this to her.
Ross Geller: Why not?
Chandler Bing: Because it says "Captain Ross" on the side and "I hate Monica" on the bottom.
Ross Geller: Oh.
Rachel Green: Ahhhhh, salmon skin roll.
Chandler Bing: Okay. Okay. Yes honey, I made it myself. I can't do it. I can't do it. Oh! Oh! A mixed tape! A mixed tape!!
Chandler Bing: Hey! Hi! You uh, ready to exchange gifts?
Monica Geller: Sure! Okay, you go first.
Chandler Bing: Okay, come here! Come here.
Monica Geller: Okay!
Chandler Bing: Now, it's not wrapped because I just, just finished it.
Monica Geller: Okay.
Chandler Bing: But I made you a tape of what I think are all romantic songs.
Monica Geller: Oh, what a great gift! Is The Way You Look Tonight on it?!
Chandler Bing: Maybe we'll have to listen and see!
Monica Geller: Oh, I love it! Thank you so much!
Chandler Bing: Okay!
Monica Geller: Okay, you ready to open yours?
Chandler Bing: Yeah!
Monica Geller: Okay.
Chandler Bing: It's a sock bunny.
Monica Geller: Yeah-yeah, you remember how I call you bunny?
Chandler Bing: Not really.
Monica Geller: Well, I did one time, and-and I want to start doing it more. See that's what this is about.
Chandler Bing: I see. Y'know umm, Phoebe makes sock bunnies.
Monica Geller: No! No, she doesn't. Uh Phoebe, what she makes-that's uh-they're sock rabbits. They are completely different-Okay! Okay! Okay! I didn't make it! I'm sorry! I totally forgot about tonight and the fact that we're supposed to make the presents!
Chandler Bing: Oh, it's okay. I don't...
Monica Geller: No-no, it's not okay! It's not! I mean you were just... You're so incredible! You went through all this time and effort to make this tape for me! Y'know I'm just gonna-I, I am gonna make this up to you! I will! I-I am going to cook anything you want in here , and I am going to do anything you want in there!
Chandler Bing: Well, I did put a lot of thought in the tape.
Chandler Bing: Wow! You are way to young to have seen that!
Monica Geller: Oops! Y'know, your birthday is in a month-and-a-half, what do you say I forget to get you a present for that too?
Chandler Bing: You are totally and completely 100% forgiven.
Monica Geller: We have got to wash that!
Chandler Bing: Yeah!
Monica Geller: Do you remember that jacket that you love so much, that you thought was too expensive?
Chandler Bing: You have done enough!
Monica Geller: I wanna wake up early and go get it for you!
Chandler Bing: No you don't-get it in black, not brown.
Monica Geller: Oop, your cake is ready!
Chandler Bing: Oop!
Chandler Bing: Well, it's like that old saying, have some sex, eat some cake.
Joey's Look-A-Like: Hey Mon! Hey Chann! Just gettin' a soda!
Monica Geller: Who the hell are you?!
Joey's Look-A-Like: I'm Joey! How are you doin'?!
Joey Tribbiani: No! No! No! No! No! How you doin'?! How you doin'-Damnit Carl! Go wait in the hall!
Joey Tribbiani: Look, I got to apologize on the behalf of Carl.
Chandler Bing: Who the hell is Carl?!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, did I not mention? Carl is a guy I hired to be my identical twin for a medical research project.
Chandler Bing: Y'know sometimes the good ideas are just right in front of you, aren't they?
Joey Tribbiani: Okay, I know it sounds crazy, but I think it might work. Y'know? The only problem is, Carl's acting is...
Monica Geller: The only problem!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, he's the reason I didn't get that big Minute Maid commercial a couple of years ago remember? We were supposed to be brothers, but he messed it up.
Carl (Joey's lookalike): Hey, uh can I get a little piece of that cake?
Joey Tribbiani: Pizza!! We like Pizza!! Get out!!!
Phoebe Buffay: Pat Sajak?
Rachel Green: Yep!
Phoebe Buffay: Alex Trebek?
Rachel Green: Oh, of course!
Phoebe Buffay: Chuck Woolery?
Rachel Green: Definitely! Phoebe, you will not find a single game show host, who's ass I cannot kick.
Rachel Green: Say it!
Phoebe Buffay: Say we are unagi!
Ross Geller: It's not something you are! It's something you have!
Rachel Green: Say it!
Ross Geller: Y'know what? I can easily get out of this, but there is a chance you can get very, very hurt!
Joey Tribbiani: All right Carl, we're next. Now remember, what is not gonna be?
Carl (Joey's lookalike): Another Minute Maid fiasco.
Joey Tribbiani: That's right! And what are you not gonna do?
Carl (Joey's lookalike): Well, I'm not gonna talk because...
Joey Tribbiani: Damnit Carl!
The Doctor: Can I have the next one please? Joey and Tony Tribbiani.
Joey Tribbiani: That's us.
The Doctor: But uh, this is a study for identical twins.
Joey Tribbiani: That's right, $2,000.
The Doctor: But, you're not identical twins.
Joey Tribbiani: Damnit Carl!
Chandler Bing: Oh my good God.
Monica Geller: Hey! Continuing the countdown of your favorite meals. Tonight, No. 3, macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs.
Chandler Bing: Look, you have done enough! Okay? You have to stop this now.
Monica Geller: I will! But not tonight. For dinner music, I thought we could listen to that tape you made me.
Chandler Bing: Oh, the mixed tape.
Monica Geller: The Way You Look Tonight is on here! Dance with me?
Monica Geller: You are just the sweetest.
Janice Litman Goralnik: I love the way you look every night Chandler! That's why I made you this tape! Happy Birthday! Love Janice!
Chandler Bing: No! You're the sweetest!
The Instructor: Okay ladies, that ends today's class, and let's remember, let's be safe out there.
Ross Geller: It's a great class.
The Instructor: Thanks.
Ross Geller: Yeah, yeah, I was watching. Umm, hey, a couple of questions though. Umm, about that-that-that last move where the woman tripped you and then pinned you to the floor, what-what-what-what would you do next?
The Instructor: Well, she would take her keys and try to jam them...
Ross Geller: No. No-no. No. What would you do next?
The Instructor: Who? Me the attacker?
Ross Geller: Yes that's right.
The Instructor: Why?
Ross Geller: I tired attacking two women, did not work.
The Instructor: What?!
Ross Geller: No, I mean it's okay, I mean, they're-they're my friends. In fact, I-I-I was married to one of them.
The Instructor: Let me get this straight man, you attacked your ex-wife?!
Ross Geller: Oh, no! No-no! No, I tired! But I couldn't. That's why I'm here. Maybe we could attack them together? That-that's a no.
Chandler Bing: I am so, so, so, so sorry!
Monica Geller: Uh-huh.
Chandler Bing: And I will cook anything you want in here , and do anything in there!
Monica Geller: Yeah you will! And, are you kiddin' me?!
Chandler Bing: Come on Monica, it's our Valentine's Day. Please? Please-please, please?
Monica Geller: Okay.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Janice's Voice: My funny valentine, sweet comic valentine! You make me high over my heart!
Chandler Bing: So, are we going in there?
Monica Geller: I am!!
Janice's Voice: You're look for laughable...
Ross Geller: Ah-ha, nowhere to run!
Rachel Green: I don't like sitting up here! I'm just gonna over...
Phoebe Buffay: No Rachel! They got here first!
Phoebe Buffay: Why is Ross doing that?
Ross Geller: DANGER!!!!
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Why is he jumping on those women!
Phoebe Buffay: We should help him!
Rachel Green: I... Well, I don't think they need any help.


Ross Geller: Hey! I just got uh, my teacher evaluations! Check out what this one student wrote, "I loved Dr. Geller's class. Mind blowing lectures! Dr. Geller, you are definitely the hottie of the paleontology department!"
Chandler Bing: Ahh, Hotties of the Paleontology Department, there's a big selling calendar, eh?
Rachel Green: Who wrote it?
Ross Geller: Oh, I wish I knew, but the evaluations are all anonymous.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh hey, do you still have their final exams?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, 'cause you can just match the evaluation to the exam with the same handwriting and boom, there's your admirer.
Chandler Bing: A hot girl's at stake and all of the sudden he's Rain Man.
Rachel Green: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, why are we so sure that this is a girl?
Ross Geller: It's a girl! Anyway, it wou-it wouldn't matter. Okay? Because I'm a teacher and she's a student.
Chandler Bing: Oh, is that against the rules?
Ross Geller: No, but it is frowned upon.
Chandler Bing: I see.
Ross Geller: Besides, there's a big age difference.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, well think of it like this, when you're 90...
Ross Geller: I know when I'm 90 she'll be like 80 and it won't seem like such a big difference.
Joey Tribbiani: No that's not what I was going to say at all. No, what I was going to say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Chandler! Y'know that girl you went to college with who-who became a movie director?
Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, Dana Keystone. She was in my Movement class.
Phoebe Buffay: What's a Movement class?
Monica Geller: It's Chandler's way of pretending he didn't take mime.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh well listen, anyway she's directing the new Al Pacino movie. You gotta get me an audition!
Chandler Bing: Oh, I don't know man. I haven't talked to her in like ten years.
Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no, please-please Chandler I-I-I would owe you so much!
Chandler Bing: You do owe me so much. You owe me three thousand, four hundred...
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey dude, why are you changing the subject? Why? Will you make the call or what?
Chandler Bing: Oh okay, I'll-I'll try.
Joey Tribbiani: All right! Thanks! You're the best! Now listen, the last day of auditions is Thursday. Okay? So I gotta get in there by Thursday. Okay? Just remember Thursday. Thursday. Can you remember Thursday?
Chandler Bing: Yeah so, Tuesday?
Joey Tribbiani: Thursday! Look if you need help remembering think of like this, the third day. All right? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when? Huh? What day? Thursday! The third day! Okay?!
Chandler Bing: Thank you.
Joey Tribbiani: Okay.
Rachel Green: Hey Mon? I'm gonna check my messages.
Chandler Bing: You just thought of that in there?
Monica Geller: Yeah sure, nature called, she wanted to see who else did.
Rachel Green: Hello? Uh, Rachel. Great, someone is in our apartment. Call the cops!
Monica Geller: You're on the phone!
Rachel Green: Oh my God! Oh my God! Thank you! That was the fire department, there was a fire at our place!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! How bad was it?
Rachel Green: Well, he didn't say, but it was a fire. I'm guessing not very good. Come on, we gotta go!
Monica Geller: Come on!
Chandler Bing: What are you smiling about? What is so funny?
Joey Tribbiani: The part I want to audition for is a fireman, this is so meant to be!
Burt: Wow! It looks like you were very generous with your grades this semester!
Elizabeth Stevens: Professor Geller?
Ross Geller: Yeah?
Elizabeth Stevens: I wanted to say how much I enjoyed your class.
Ross Geller: Oh thank you. Thanks very much. Ow!
Elizabeth Stevens: Uh, I'm a little embarrassed about calling you a hottie on my evaluation...
Ross Geller: That was you?
Elizabeth Stevens: Yeah. I felt a little weird about it. You're a teacher. I'm a student. But would you maybe want to go out with me sometime?
Ross Geller: Oh I, I don't-I don't think that would be the best idea.
Elizabeth Stevens: Oh, because I was thinking, the semester's over; you're not my teacher anymore.
Ross Geller: What time?
Elizabeth Stevens: Oh, y'know what? Forget it, you already gave me an A.
Ross Geller: Gotcha.
Elizabeth Stevens: I'm kidding!
Ross Geller: Oh! So-so seriously, what time?
Phoebe Buffay: Coming through! Oh! Coming through! Oh! Hello! Hi! No! Right! Coming through!
Monica Geller: Oh well, it's not so bad.
Fireman #1: Yeah, most of the damage is pretty mostly contained in the bedrooms.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh!
Rachel Green: My God!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey buddy, do you think I can borrow your uniform this Thursday?
Fireman #1: Excuse me?
Monica Geller: Joey! He's working! You would look good in that.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, how bad is it?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, it's bad. It's really bad. The only thing in there that isn't burned is an ass. Which I do not remember buying!
Chandler Bing: How's your room Rach?
Rachel Green: Everything's ruined. My bed. My clothes. Look at my favorite blue sweater.
Monica Geller: Isn't that mine?
Rachel Green: Fine! I'm sorry for your loss!
Fireman #1: So uh, you're not gonna be able to live here for a while, you ladies have a place to stay?
Rachel Green: Wow! Oh-okay, look pal, I am not in the mood to be hit on right now! But if you give me your number I will call you some other time.
Monica Geller: Yes, they can stay with us.
Chandler Bing: Have you figured out what started the fire Mr. Fireman?
Fireman #1: Well uh, do either of you smoke?
Phoebe Buffay: No, not usually. But yeah, I could use one right now.
Fireman #1: No-no-no, do you uh light candles? Burn incense?
Phoebe Buffay: Yes! I do! All the time! I love them! Oh my God! I did it! It's me! It's me! I burned down the house! I burned down the house!
Rachel Green: Okay Phoebe calm down, there's no need to place blame. Okay? I warned her about those candles.
Chandler Bing: God, it's great to catch up! I can't believe how long it's been!
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler, is that...
Chandler Bing: Oh that's great! Good for you.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey listen...
Chandler Bing: Okay! So yeah, maybe we can get together umm... Can you hold for one second please? What?!
Joey Tribbiani: When you're off the phone, do you wanna get a pizza?
Chandler Bing: Hi! I'm back. Yeah, that sounds great. Okay. Well, we'll do it then. Okay, bye-bye.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey listen, so when's-when's my audition? I mean I know it's Thursday, but what time?
Chandler Bing: Hi.
Monica Geller: Hey!
Chandler Bing: We didn't get to the audition. I'm gonna take her to coffee and then we'll do it then.
Joey Tribbiani: Ah-ha!
Monica Geller: Wow! So, now you're going on a date with this girl?
Chandler Bing: Honey, it is not a date! I haven't talked to her in ten years! You can't just call up somebody you haven't talked to in ten years and ask them for a favor. There are rules, y'know? You gotta, you got to put in some time.
Monica Geller: You're right, I'm sorry. It's not like you're y'know, going out with an ex-girlfriend.
Chandler Bing: No, we only went out once.
Monica Geller: You dated her!
Chandler Bing: Not once!
Monica Geller: All right, well why don't I go out with an ex-boyfriend and do Joey a favor?!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you wanna do Joey a favor, maybe you go out with Joey.
Chandler Bing: Oh that's great, my friend Joey's in the movie business.
Dana Keystone: Y'know who I ran into from school? Howie.
Chandler Bing: My friend's name is Joey.
Dana Keystone: Apparently Howie's editing now. Yeah, he-he-he calls me up and asks me if he can edit my new movie. Can you believe that?! Y'know I-I-I haven't spoken to him in like ten years and he asks me for a favor!
Chandler Bing: Yeah, I've always hated that Howie.
Dana Keystone: No, no "How you doing?" Man, I mean not even a cup of coffee first!
Chandler Bing: The nerve huh?
Dana Keystone: Yeah!
Chandler Bing: Refill?
Monica Geller: Now, this is last minute so I want to apologize for the mess. Okay?
Rachel Green: Oh my God! It sure didn't look this way when I lived here.
Monica Geller: I know! Now look, there's only one problem though. There's only room for one, so I guess one of you will have to stay at Joey's.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, since the fire was kinda my fault I guess you should get to stay here.
Rachel Green: Hey! Hey-hey, now this was no one's fault Pheebs. Okay? It was an accident.
Phoebe Buffay: Well no, it was my fault so you should get the nice room.
Rachel Green: Okay!
Monica Geller: So Rach! You're the first guest at Hotel Monica! Umm, you'll just have to tell me how you like your eggs in the morning. And I thought I would bring them to you, y'know, in bed. Oh, you have been through so much.
Rachel Green: I have.
Joey Tribbiani: This right here is where I keep the pizza. And uh that's where the napkin is.
Phoebe Buffay: What's that smell?
Joey Tribbiani: I know!
Elizabeth Stevens: Oh please! It was such a big class! You never even noticed me!
Ross Geller: What? Of course I did! You uh, you sat next to Sleepy Sleeperson.
Elizabeth Stevens: Who?
Ross Geller: Oh uh, I had trouble remembering everyone's name, so I-I kinda came up with nicknames. Like the guy on the other side of you was Smelly von Brownshirt.
Elizabeth Stevens: Oh yeah. So umm, did you have a nickname for me?
Ross Geller: Umm, no. No.
Elizabeth Stevens: Yes you did! What was it?
Ross Geller: Umm, it's Cutie McPretty.
Elizabeth Stevens: Ohh that's so sweet!
Ross Geller: Listen, I gotta tell ya, I-I'm having a great time! Y'know how before you said it might be weird, the whole student teacher thing, and to be frank I thought it would be too, but it's not. I mean it's not at all.
Burt: Dr. Geller!
Ross Geller: Burt!
Phoebe Buffay: So did you sleep well last night?
Rachel Green: I did.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah?
Rachel Green: I did, Monica was so sweet she left a little mint on my pillow.
Phoebe Buffay: Y'know what Joey left on my pillow?
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Gum!
Fireman #2: Well, we determined the cause of the fire.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah I know, it was my candle. My candle!
Fireman #2: No, there was an appliance left on in the bathroom. It's looks like a curling iron.
Phoebe Buffay: I don't use a curling iron.
Fireman #2: Well someone does.
Rachel Green: Well, don't look at me! My hair's straight! Straight! Straight! Straight!
Fireman #2: It could've been a hair straightener.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Joey Tribbiani: This is where I keep the pizza. And-Hey! Where did the napkin go?!
Monica Geller: Now there you go! I wouldn't want my best guest to strain her eyes!
Phoebe Buffay: Thanks Monica!
Monica Geller: Does that smell bother you?
Phoebe Buffay: What the smell from Joey's? No, I can hardly smell it over here.
Monica Geller: Well you let me know if you can, because y'know I can bake a pie to cover it.
Phoebe Buffay: I can smell it a little, bake the pie.
Monica Geller: Okay!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Monica Geller: Hello? Oh yes, one minute please. It's for you. It's the fire inspector.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh! Hello? Yeah this is Phoebe. Really?!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, so it turns out that it wasn't the hair straightener that started the fire. No-no, it was the candles. It's very not good leaving candles unattended. In fact, one of the first things they teach you in fire school is... Uhh... Uhh... Okay. Well, I have to go now.
Ross Geller: We had such a great time! She's-she's incredible! I thought the-the age difference might be a problem, but it wasn't. It wasn't at all. Elizabeth is very mature for her age. A concept lost on some people!
Monica Geller: So it's okay to date a student.
Ross Geller: Well, not really. I mean technically it's-it's not against the rules or anything, but it is frowned upon. Especially by that professor we ran into last night, Judgey von Holierthanthou.
Monica Geller: Well Ross, you be careful now. You don't want to get a reputation as y'know Professor McNailshisstudents.
Ross Geller: Yeah. What-what should I do?
Joey Tribbiani: Well Ross, it seems pretty clear. I mean what's more important? What people think or how you feel, huh? Ross, you gotta follow your heart.
Monica Geller: Joey that is so sweet.
Chandler Bing: Hey.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey-hey! So, how did it go with Dana? Any reason I should leave a block of time open say Thursday?
Chandler Bing: I couldn't do it.
Joey Tribbiani: You couldn't do it?!
Chandler Bing: Hey, relax I just need more time. We're going to dinner tonight.
Monica Geller: What?! You're going out with her again!
Ross Geller: Going out with who?
Chandler Bing: Uh, Dana Keystone from college.
Ross Geller: Oh yeah! Wasn't she uh...
Chandler Bing: No, that was Dana Caplin.
The Guys: Ohhhh!
Monica Geller: Joey! You didn't even know her!
Joey Tribbiani: Ah whatever!
Chandler Bing: Great story again! The yarns that you weave! Woo-hoo-hoo!
Dana Keystone: Y'know uh, actually I-I-I should get going.
Chandler Bing: Oh no-no-no! Stay! Stay! Because you-you should you-you-you should stay!
Dana Keystone: Wow. Oh, I am really flattered, but I just I don't feel that way about you.
Chandler Bing: Oh no-no-no, that's not-No-no-no!
Dana Keystone: I'm sorry Chandler, y'know you are such a sweet guy and I, I don't want to hurt you. Oh, I wish there was something I can do to make you feel better.
Chandler Bing: No-no-Really?!
Dana Keystone: Of course!
Chandler Bing: Well, it just hurts so bad. I uh...
Dana Keystone: Ohh, I'm sorry.
Chandler Bing: Well maybe there is one thing you can do.
Dana Keystone: What?! Anything! Anything!
Chandler Bing: Well, I umm, I mean this is just off the top of my head now, umm but I have this friend. This actor friend and he would kill me if he thought I was doing this umm, but umm would it be possible for him to get an audition for your movie say on Thursday?
Dana Keystone: Absolutely! But you-you would really feel better about me rejecting you if your actor friend can audition for my movie?
Chandler Bing: Well, the heart wants what it wants. I'll see you later.
Monica Geller: Hey! How's it goin'?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, not much has changed in the last five minutes.
Monica Geller: Yes it has! I made cookies!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh that's all right. I'm still full from your homemade potato chips.
Monica Geller: But you should eat them now because they're hot from the oven.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay.
Monica Geller: Oh-ho! But not in here! Can't eat 'em in bed, remember? No crumbies!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I'll be out in a second.
Monica Geller: Okay!
Monica Geller: What are you doing?
Phoebe Buffay: That doesn't lock does it?
Rachel Green: Oh, Joey! Sorry!
Joey Tribbiani: No that's all right. Don't worry about it.
Rachel Green: Oh but look! That's gonna leave a stain!
Joey Tribbiani: Rach! Hey! It's fine! You're at Joey's!
Rachel Green: Really?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Look!
Rachel Green: I've never lived like this before.
Joey Tribbiani: I know.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, don't waste it, I mean its still food.
Ross Geller: What do you want to do now? Huh? You wanna go get a drink?
Elizabeth Stevens: Uhh, I can't.
Ross Geller: Oh, you have some studying to do?
Elizabeth Stevens: No, I have some turning 21 to do.
Ross Geller: Y'know I remember when uh, when I was in college, we used to...
Elizabeth Stevens: What are you doing?
Ross Geller: Nothing, I'm-I'm just, I'm so comfortable with you!
Elizabeth Stevens: Do you not want to be seen with me?
Ross Geller: What? No! Of course, of course I do! Are-are they gone?
Elizabeth Stevens: Uh no, they're still here but I think I'm about to leave.
Ross Geller: What?! No! No! Wait! You're right, this is stupid. Who cares what people think? I mean, I mean we like each other right? There's nothing wrong with that. Come on. Burt? Lydia? Mel? This is Elizabeth.
Elizabeth Stevens: Hi!
Lydia: Aren't you in my Popular Culture class?
Ross Geller: That's right Lydia, Elizabeth here is a student and uh, we're dating. And you may frown upon that, but we're not gonna hide it anymore.
Mel: You are so fired.
Ross Geller: What?
Burt: They're gonna fire you! You can't date a student! It's against the rules.
Ross Geller: Really? Its not just frowned upon?
Rachel Green: I love it at Joey's!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, here you go.
Chandler Bing: Ni-hi-ice!
Rachel Green: Thanks!
Chandler Bing: So, you busy Thursday?
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, very funny. I don't know if you remember, but my audition was supposed to be Thursday. You got me the audition?! Let's hug it up!
Chandler Bing: Okay. Okay. What are you gonna do to me if you get the part?
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Hi!
Rachel Green: Hi!
Phoebe Buffay: Listen umm, yeah okay, I need to talk to you!
Rachel Green: Uh-huh.
Phoebe Buffay: Now I know that they said that the umm, the hair straightener started the fire but I think I'm partly at fault. You see, I didn't, I didn't tell you but umm, but I-I had recently refilled the tissues and so y'know let's just face it, that's just kindling! So I think it's better that I stay at Joey's.
Rachel Green: No, no-no-no. Phoebe, this was my fault and besides y'know what? I'm fine here.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Oh umm, Chandler, Monica is looking for you.
Chandler Bing: Really?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah she said something about crumbies.
Chandler Bing: No! No! No! I was so careful!
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, you have to switch with me! Monica is driving me crazy!
Joey Tribbiani: That's right, all the ladies want to stay at Joey's.
Rachel Green: No! No! Phoebe, come on! I don't want to switch! Please come on! I can throw wet paper towels here!
Phoebe Buffay: No but at Monica's you can eat cookies over the sink!
Rachel Green: I know. I'm sorry.
Phoebe Buffay: All right fine! This looks like so much fun.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Phoebe Buffay: God, what a mess.
Ross Geller: Wow! It actually is in the handbook. I can't date you or have a hot plate in my office. I can't believe we have to stop seeing each other.
Elizabeth Stevens: For what it's worth I did appreciate you standing up for me. It felt really nice. It kinda made me like you even more.
Ross Geller: I know, I know I really like you too. But we-we can't date. It's against the rules. It's forbidden.
Elizabeth Stevens: Wow!
Ross Geller: What?
Elizabeth Stevens: Just hearing you describe it as forbidden, it's really hot.
Ross Geller: Really?
Elizabeth Stevens: Yeah.
Ross Geller: Well I-I-I don't care how hot it is it's-it's uh, it's wrong.
Elizabeth Stevens: Stop it!
Ross Geller: No! No! It's wrong! It's-it's-it's naughty. It's taboo.
Elizabeth Stevens: Shut the book!
Ross Geller: Let's also get a hot plate!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey!
Chandler Bing: So?!
Joey Tribbiani: So?
Chandler Bing: It's Thursday! How was the audition?!
Joey Tribbiani: Wh? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when huh what? Thurs- Oh!