# Louis C.K.

Louis C.K., né le 2 septembre 1967, est un humoriste mexicano-américain de stand-up.

## Shameless (2005)

* (en) I have this friend, he has a phone like an IM [Instant Message], and I really want him to die. Because I'm sick of getting this fucking messages from him: « I'm in a shoe store. » That's the all message. We're not secret agents, I don't need to know where you are.
* Louis C.K., Shameless (2005), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) He says « I'm on an airplane in Seattle ». So I wrote back and say « Well, I hope your plane craches ». And he gets pissed off and he calls me: « Take it back, we're about to take off ». I'm like « Fuck you, I hope it crashes! I don't have to take it back. Hope it crashes twice. Hope it crashes and kills half and then they go « Fuck it, let's try again » and then take off and crash again. »
* Louis C.K., Shameless (2005), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) He always start conversations that I don't wanna have. Like: « What would you if you had a time machine? » Fuck you! You know what, I wouldn't use it. I'd just let it sit in my house.
* Louis C.K., Shameless (2005), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) And he goes « Here what I would do... » Because of course that's the only fucking point of asking me. He said if he had a time machine, he would have killed Hitler. [...] I was thinking « That's a noble purpose for a time machine ». I would have do that too, I would have gone back, but I wouldn't have killed Hitler. I would have raped him. Because I think that it would have been enough, that it would have stop him for doing all that shit. If he had been raped by me, he would never had pulled any of that stuff. « – Should we invade Poland? – I don't know, I'll just gonna take a shower... I don't feel good. »
* Louis C.K., Shameless (2005), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) I have this tee-shirt and it says « Awesome Possum » on it, it's got a picture of a possum. I know it's stupid, but a friend of mine gave it to me... Fuck you I bought it, I thought it was cool.
* Louis C.K., Shameless (2005), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation.
* Louis C.K., Shameless (2005), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) It's really the kids that do you in. We have two kids. That's fucking stupid. Don't do that.
* Louis C.K., Shameless (2005), écrit par Louis C.K.

## Chewed Up (2008)

* (en) How many advantages can one person have? I'm a white man!
* Louis C.K., Chewed Up (2008), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) I hate deers. [...] I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
* Louis C.K., Chewed Up (2008), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) A man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he'll leave you as a human being intact. He won't fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent, but they will shit inside of your heart.
* Louis C.K., Chewed Up (2008), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) I'm buying a Cinnabon … at the airport … I arrived at. You understand why that's extra disgusting, right? Because when you're at the airport you're leaving from, you can say, "Oh, I gotta eat. I need some food, because I might be trapped in the sky forever, so I should eat right now." But I've landed. The trip is over. I'm 20 minutes from my house, where I got bananas and apples and shit. And I'm sitting on my luggage just fucking eating a Cinnabon with a fork and knife.
* Louis C.K., Chewed Up (2008), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
* Louis C.K., Chewed Up (2008), écrit par Louis C.K.

## Louie (2010-)

* (en) It's hard to start again after a marriage. It's hard to really, like, look at somebody and go, hey, maybe something nice will happen.... Or you'll meet the perfect person, who you love infinitely, and you even argue well, and you grow together, and you have children, and then you get old together, and then she's going to die. That's the best-case scenario.
* Louie, Louie, 1x01, "Pilot", écrit par Louis C.K., première diffusion par FX le 29 juin 2010.
* (en) Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, "Ugh".
* Louie, Louie, 1x03, "Dr. Ben/Nick", écrit par Louis C.K., première diffusion par FX le 6 juillet 2010.
* (en) God is like a shitty girlfriend.
* Louie, Louie, 1x11, "God", écrit par Louis C.K., première diffusion par FX le 31 août 2010.
* (en) It's in the Ten Commandments to not take the Lord's name in vain. Rape isn't up there, by the way. Rape is not a Ten Commandment. But don't say the dude's name with a shitty attitude.
* Louie, Louie, 1x11, "God", écrit par Louis C.K., première diffusion par FX le 31 août 2010.
* (en) You try to keep your kids safe and if you aren't doing it perfectly then why are you doing it at all? It's like this thing that starts to dawn on you. Like if my kids get in the car with me they have to buckle up. I'm not even starting this car until you buckle your seatbelts. And if we get in a taxi, it's fine. It's okay. Taxis are magic. Nobody dies. Just get in. Just go. I'm not diggin' in the seat for a belt. There's no way I'm blindly diggin' in to the Egyptian hepatitis and severed toes so you can put on your seatbelt. You gotta put on your own mask before helping the others. I'm not going through that. So, my kids get in a cab and they just hurdle through space at a speed determined by a profit motive of an exhausted man from another country where life is s**t cheap, where kids die all day and it's boring.
* Louie, Louie, 3x09, "Looking for Liz/Lilly Changes", écrit par Louis C.K., première diffusion par FX le 23 août 2012.
* (en) They're all the same. They're all made from the same Asian suffering. There's no difference.
* Louie, Louie, 3x10, "Late Show (Part 1)", écrit par Louis C.K., première diffusion par FX le 30 août 2012.
* (en) Sent here? What are you, a letter? Nobody sent you.
* David Lynch, Louie, 3x10, "Late Show (Part 1)", écrit par Louis C.K., première diffusion par FX le 30 août 2012.

## Hilarious (2011)

* (en) Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you're all gonna die and then you're gonna be dead for way longer than you're alive. Like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet.
* Louis C.K., Hilarious (2011), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) You've got to be optimistic to be single. Stupid. You have to be stupid. That's what optimistic means, you know? It means stupid. An optimist is somebody who goes, "Hey, maybe something nice will happen." Why the fuck would anything nice happen?
* Louis C.K., Hilarious (2011), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) People say 'my phone sucks.' No it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.
* Louis C.K., Hilarious (2011), écrit par Louis C.K.

## Live at the Beacon Theater (2011)

* (en) Drugs are so fucking good that they'll ruin your life.
* Louis C.K., Live at the Beacon Theater (2011), écrit par Louis C.K.

## Oh My God (2013)

* (en) And then my daughter comes home: « why did he die, daddy ? » Oh come on ! What am I gonna say ? « Why did he die ? » Because who gives a shit ! That's the reason. It's because it didn't matter that he was alive, that's why he's dead. He didn't know his name and he didn't love you back.
* Louis C.K., Oh My God (2013), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) My first week in the building, about a year ago, I went down to the courtyard for the first time. And I didn't look to good, you know. It was a sunday, morning: that's my least presentable hour. All the stains, you know, food and me and wathever. And so I'm sitting there, felling a little out of place. And there is this guy looking at me, like this across the courtyard. He's all spiffy looking. I can tell he was thinking I don't leave in the building. He thinks I've just wandering off the street and sat in the courtyard. I can tell he was thinking coming over and dealing with me on his own. And I'm sitting there and thinking: « Oh please, do that... Please, come on ! » And I'm trying to look even more gross. And then I see him go like « Oh no, that's not gonna do at all. » And he comes over to me. I'm so excited, to have this thing! A confrontation where I'm not wrong at all. He comes over and says: « Excuse me, do you leave in this building? » And I said « No. » And he goes: « Then, what are you doing here? » And I said « I just need to rest, I'm having a hard time ». He says « This is private property. » And I said « Well, I don't really believe in that... » [...] And he goes over to the doorman, and I see him talking about me. And then I see the doorman go on « Oh no, that guy leaves here. It's okay. » Ahhhh, the look on his face! It was just this beautiful cocktail of anger and confusion. It's like I have invented a new way to hurt somebody's feelings.
* Louis C.K., Oh My God (2013), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) Putting on my socks is the worst part of every day. And it always will be! Even if I'd have a terrible day in the future, where my grandmother is murdered by my other grandmother, the worst part of that day would be when I put on my socks.
* Louis C.K., Oh My God (2013), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) The courage it take for a woman to say yes is beyond anything I can imagine. A woman saying yes to a date with a man is litteraly insane, and ill-advised. And the whole species' existence count on them for doing it. How do women still go out with guys, when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men? Men are the number one threat! Globally and historically, men are the number one cause of injuries to women. We're the worst thing that ever happend to them. You know what our number one threat is? Heart diseases.
* Louis C.K., Oh My God (2013), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) My daughters has having a dance thing at their school. We all went, all the parents, and everybody's got their phone. Every single parent. It was a amazing thing to watch, cause kids are dancing, and every parent stare at their's like this. Every single person was bloking their vision of their actual child with their phones. It look like we're all in the witness protection program.
* Louis C.K., Oh My God (2013), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) Children would behave very differently. Because most parent would be murdering their own kids. [...] You'd be steping over dead kids, that would be like a new problem. « You have to clean up your kids when you kill them, because it's gross. It's bad for the environment. If you murder your child in a public place, please use one of the red bags that are in the dispensers every three feet in America. Put your murdered child in the red bag with the logo of a murdered kid on it, next to the other logo that tells you not to let your alive kid play with the plastic bag, because they might suffocate, in wich case, you can just leave him in the bag. »
* Louis C.K., Oh My God (2013), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) Of course, children who have nut allergies need to be protected. We need to segregate their food from nuts, have their medication available at all times ; anybody who manufactures or serves food needs to be aware of deadly nut allergies. Of course... But maybe, if touching a nut kills you, you’re supposed to die.
* Louis C.K., Oh My God (2013), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) Of course, if you're fighting for your country, and you get shot or hurt, it's a terrible tragedy. Of course... But maybe, if you pick up a gun and go to another country, and you get shot, it's not that wierd. Maybe, if you get shot by the dude you were just shooting at, it's a tiny bit your fault.
* Louis C.K., Oh My God (2013), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) How do we have this amazing micro-technology? Because in the factories where they're making this, they are jumping off the fucking roof cause this is nightmare in there. You can let someone suffer imimmeasurably far away just so you can leave a mean comment on You Tube while you're taking a shit.
* Louis C.K., Oh My God (2013), écrit par Louis C.K.

## Saturday Night Live (2014)

* (en) Personally, I don’t think there’s a Heaven. I think maybe there’s a God, but there’s no Heaven. I think that’s the best news you’re gonna get. You die, and you’re like, “Hey God!” And he’s like, “Yep?” And you’re like, “Where’s Heaven?” And he’s like, “I don’t know who’s telling people that! I’m supposed to make a universe and then another whole amazing place for afterwards?! You guys are greedy dicks down there!” “Well, where do I go?” “Just stand in this room with me now.” “I don’t like it.” “Tell me about it! I’ve been here since 1983.” Or whenever. I don’t know when God started…
* Louis C.K., Saturday Night Live (monologue) (29 mars 2014), écrit par Louis C.K.
* (en) I think if there is a God, I don’t know if it’s the one in the Bible, ’cause that’s a weird story, is He’s our father and we’re His children. That’s it. “Our father, who art in Heaven.” Where’s our mother? What happened to our mom? What did He do to our mom? Something happened. Somewhere in Heaven, there’s a porch with a dead lady under it, and I want the story. Somebody’s gotta check the trunk of God’s car for bleach and rope and fibers. Well, how can we not have a mother?! At least, maybe, God’s divorced. Maybe he has an ex-wife. God’s a single dad and He’s raising us alone and we’re praying… and He’s like, “I’m trying! It’s just me up here!” Maybe that’s what’s going on. Maybe your life is your time… this is our weekend with Dad, that’s what life is… and then when you die, you go to mom’s house…
* Louis C.K., Saturday Night Live (monologue) (29 mars 2014), écrit par Louis C.K.

## Liens externes

* (en) Site officiel
* (en) The Best Quotes from Louis C.K. Interviews sur Funny or Die
* (en) The Annotated Wisdom of Louis C.K. sur Split Sider
* (en) Louis C.K. on SNL - Monologue sur You Tube
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