# Motivation and emotion/Book/2024/Empathy versus sympathy

* Multimedia presentation (3 min)

## Overview

Ever wondered why some people make us feel truly understood, while others, despite good intentions, leave us feeling alone in our struggles? This difference is rooted in the distinction between empathy and sympathy.
Empathy brings us closer and improves our behaviour, while sympathy can create distance—understanding the difference is key to promoting positive behaviours and building stronger relationships.
   Imagine two friends, both trying to help, but only one leaves you feeling truly supported. Why is that? The answer lies in the difference between empathy and sympathy, and how these responses shape our relationships and influence our behaviour.
* You’re having a really bad day—everything feels overwhelming, and nothing is going right. Just as you feel it couldn't get worse, you spill your coffee on your favourite white shirt. In the whirlwind of it all, you fall to the ground and break down.
* Friend A notices how distressed you are and says, "I know how you feel; I spilled my coffee last week on my white shirt. Please don't cry; everything will be alright."
* Friend B sits with you on the cold, hard floor and says, "It sounds like you're going through a really tough time. I'm here to listen if you want to talk."
* As shown in Figure 1, Friend B’s empathetic behaviour allows for a deeper emotional connection, strengthening the relationship. In comparison, Friend A’s well intended sympathy, while comforting in the short term, may unintentionally create distance.
* Now, consider this:
* Which friend's response do you feel had a greater impact on your behaviour after you calmed down?
* Which response would lead to a more meaningful, lasting connection?
* How did Friend A’s response differ from Friend B’s in terms of emotional support?
* Who would you turn to next time for support—Friend A or Friend B?
   But why does this happen? What is it about empathy that develops stronger bonds, while sympathy, despite its kindness, can fall short?..
Note: Friend A displayed sympathy. Friend B displayed empathy.

## Empathy vs sympathy: What’s the difference?

Empathy and sympathy are often used interchangeably, yet they represent two distinct psychological processes that, although linked, have significantly different impacts on our relationships and behaviour.
Empathy involves understanding and sharing another person’s feelings, while sympathy acknowledges distress without full emotional engagement (Batson, 2009). Friend B’s empathy fosters a deeper connection, while Friend A’s sympathy, though well-intended, may unintentionally create distance.
Empathy goes beyond mere acknowledgment of distress. It requires us to step into another person’s emotions, truly sharing their experience. I invite you to look at these two scenarios:
In Figure 2, one person sits quietly next to another who gazes out at the sea. No words are exchanged, but their presence offers silent support. This is an example of sympathy, where comfort is offered through being present, but there’s less emotional connection.
In Figure 3, a child, visibly upset after a tough moment, is hugged by a friend. The friend not only acknowledges their distress but also embraces them with understanding. This is empathy a deeper connection that shows a true effort to feel what the other person is going through.
Figure 2: "In moments of quiet reflection, sometimes the greatest comfort is simply having someone by your side."
Figure 3: "Empathy isn’t always in words; sometimes, a simple hug says everything."
Why does the second response resonate more? Because it shows that the person is not just acknowledging your feelings. They’re actively trying to connect with your emotional experience. Sympathy, on the other hand, while supportive, often lacks this emotional depth.
   Understanding these broad definitions is one thing, but how do empathy and sympathy show up in our everyday behaviour and interactions?
To further understand the distinction between empathy and sympathy, watch this video: Empathy vs. Sympathy: What’s the Difference?. The video explains these emotional processes through clear examples, helping to clarify why empathy builds stronger emotional connections than sympathy (Brené Brown, 2013).

### Core differences

Empathy and sympathy, though often confused, have distinct characteristics that affect how we relate to others and how we respond to their suffering. The table below outlines the core differences between the two:
key compassion :
| Aspects | Sympathy | Empathy |
| Definition | A feeling of pity or sorrow for someone else’s distress, but without fully understanding or sharing their emotions. | The ability to deeply understand and share the feelings of another person, fostering emotional connection. |
| Emotional Engagement | Superficial emotional engagement, often distant. | Deep emotional engagement, involving emotional resonance and shared understanding. |
| Response to Suffering | Acknowledgment of another’s suffering, often followed by attempts to comfort or reassure. | Acknowledgment of suffering, combined with understanding and emotional resonance (“feeling with” the person). |
| Type of Response | Reactive and often detached; tends to focus on the observer’s own emotions (e.g., pity) | Affective and connected; focuses on the emotions of the person suffering, aiming to understand them. |
| Emotional State of Observer | Emotional dissonance; the observer’s emotional state is often separate from the person in distress. | Emotional resonance; the observer experiences emotional contagion, feeling with the person in distress |
| Motivators of Response | Pity, obligation, and self-preservation. | Compassion, duty, and a desire to connect or help the other person |
| Impact on Relationships | Can create emotional distance or make the person in distress feel patronized or overwhelmed. | Strengthens relationships by fostering deeper emotional connections and understanding. |
| Examples | “I’m so sorry.” “This must be awful.” “I can’t imagine what it must be like.” | “I understand what you're going through.” “Help me understand your situation.” “I feel your sadness.” |
Note. Adapted from Sinclair, S., Beamer, K., Hack, T. F., McClement, S., Bouchal, S. R., Chochinov, H. M., ... & Hagen, N. A. (2016). Sympathy, empathy, and compassion: A grounded theory study of palliative care patients' understandings, experiences, and preferences. Palliative Medicine, 31(5). https://doi.org/10.1177/0269216316663499
This table illustrates that while both empathy and sympathy are responses to another's suffering, they differ significantly. Empathy inspires prosocial behaviours, such as active listening and emotional regulation, which create stronger bonds in relationships. Sympathy, while helpful in providing short-term comfort, often leads to less meaningful emotional engagement and behavioural support. Ultimately, while sympathy can provide short-term comfort, it is empathy that helps us build deeper, more supportive relationships that endure.

## Psychological insights into empathy and sympathy

Empathy and sympathy are fundamental to social interactions, yet they operate through distinct psychological processes that have vastly different effects on human behaviour and relationships. Understanding these differences is essential for enhancing emotional well-being and developing healthier relationships (Decety & Cowell, 2014).
In the coffee spill scenario, Friend A’s sympathetic response, "I know how you feel," shifts focus away from you, while Friend B’s empathetic response, "I'm here to listen," demonstrates deeper emotional engagement.
According to Decety and Cowell (2014), Empathy involves several key components that shape how we interact in relationships:
* Emotional sharing: Feeling what the other person feels. Friend B shares your frustration, strengthening the bond by validating your experience.
* Self–other awareness: Recognising the difference between your own emotions and those of others. Friend B maintains an awareness of your feelings without projecting their own emotions onto you.
* Perspective-taking: Understanding the other person’s situation from their viewpoint. Friend B’s ability to see the situation through your eyes fosters deeper understanding.
* Emotional regulation: Managing your own emotions while supporting another. Friend B’s calm presence prevents the situation from becoming overwhelming, allowing for more meaningful support.
By integrating these elements, empathy enhances prosocial behaviour and deepens relationships, whereas sympathy may create emotional distance.
How do these psychological processes shape relationships?
Batson’s Empathy-Altruism Hypothesis (1991) demonstrates that empathy drives prosocial behaviour, as seen in Friend B’s response. It fosters trust, emotional resonance, and strengthens relationships.
By practising active listening, perspective-taking and genuine concern, we move beyond sympathy and develop empathetic connections that meaningfully impact others. These behaviours shape both immediate and long-term relationship dynamics.
   So why does it matter? Understanding the distinction between empathy and sympathy goes beyond simple emotional responses. it’s essential for building lasting, fulfilling relationships. Let’s dive deeper into why recognising the difference between these two is crucial for our emotional well-being and connection with others
The importance of understanding empathy and sympathy
Recognising the differences between empathy and sympathy is essential for emotional well-being and building stronger, more supportive relationships. While empathy involves truly understanding and sharing another’s emotional experience, sympathy acknowledges distress without fully engaging with the other person’s emotions (Decety & Cowell, 2014).
Empathy encourages active listening and perspective-taking, promoting trust and deepening emotional bonds. Sympathy, despite good intentions, can sometimes widen the gap between people by focusing on comfort rather than fully addressing emotional needs. Over time, this can lead to disconnection.
As seen in the coffee spill scenario, Friend A’s sympathetic response shifted focus away from your distress, offering reassurance without emotional depth. In contrast, Friend B’s empathetic approach develops a stronger emotional connection and meaningful support.
Understanding these distinctions allows us to develop deeper, more emotionally supportive relationships in both personal and professional environments. While sympathy can be well-meaning, empathy enhances emotional closeness and connection.
How psychological science can enhance our understanding
Research such as Batson’s Empathy-Altruism Hypothesis (1991) demonstrates that individuals who act with empathy, like Friend B, are more likely to engage in prosocial behaviours, which build trust and deepen emotional connections over time. Empathy develops mutual support and strengthens relationships by encouraging emotional resonance and active listening.
In sympathy, though it may provide immediate comfort, often lacks the emotional depth needed for long-term relationships. This can result in emotional disconnection, as seen in Friend A’s response, which was well-intentioned but detached from the other person’s feelings (Batson, 1991).
Understanding these distinctions is important as empathy not only improves relational dynamics but also promotes behaviours that enhance emotional well-being in personal and professional relationships (Decety & Cowell, 2014).

### Key theories and research

Various psychological theories help explain the complexities of empathy and sympathy:
Empathy-Altruism Hypothesis (Batson, 1991) This theory suggests that empathy drives altruistic behaviour. When we truly empathise, we help others without expecting anything in return. Friend B’s empathetic response, “I’m here to listen if you want to talk,” illustrates this, as empathy fosters prosocial behaviour, deepens trust, and strengthens relationships. In compassion, Friend A’s sympathetic response, “Please don’t cry; everything will be alright,” may have been more about easing their own discomfort rather than addressing the other person’s needs, potentially creating emotional distance.
Theory of Mind (Premack & Woodruff, 1978): Theory of Mind refers to our ability to understand the mental states of others—such as their beliefs, desires, and intentions. Closely tied to cognitive empathy, it helps us grasp another person's perspective. Empathy engages this theory by allowing individuals to predict and understand how others might react, leading to stronger, more nuanced connections. Sympathy, while recognising emotions, may not engage this cognitive process as deeply, often resulting in more superficial relationships., leading to more superficial relationships that don't fully address the other person's experience.
Emotional Contagion Theory (de Greck et al., 2012) This theory explains how emotions spread between people. Empathy allows individuals to resonate with another person’s feelings, as seen in Friend B’s ability to absorb and share the distressed person’s emotions, strengthening their bond. Sympathy, however, lacks this deeper emotional engagement, which can lead to a more detached response and weaker connection.
Attachment Theory (Bowlby, 1969): This theory states that our early relationships with caregivers influence our ability to form secure emotional bonds in adulthood. Those with secure attachment styles tend to show more empathy in relationships, having experienced consistent emotional support. In contrast, individuals with insecure attachments may lean more towards sympathy but without the same emotional engagement, impacting the depth and quality of relationships. Attachment theory helps explain how empathy fosters secure, trusting relationships, while sympathy may reflect less emotionally attuned interactions.
Cognitive vs. Affective Empathy (Decety & Cowell, 2014): Cognitive empathy involves understanding another’s situation, while affective empathy is about sharing their emotions. Friend B demonstrated both, building a stronger emotional connection. In contrast, Friend A, relying mostly on cognitive empathy, provided support but didn’t fully connect emotionally. This distinction shows that empathy, by engaging both thought and feeling, leads to more meaningful and supportive relationships, while sympathy often lacks this emotional depth.
Compassionate Love Theory (Underwood, 2009): Compassionate love is rooted in genuine care and concern for others, without personal gain. It overlaps with empathy but stands out through its sustained commitment to helping others. Compassionate love draws on both cognitive and affective empathy, fostering long-term supportive behaviour that strengthens relationships. Sympathy may offer temporary comfort, but compassionate love, driven by empathy, nurtures deeper, more enduring connections.
These psychological theories illustrate the key differences between empathy and sympathy in shaping behaviour and relationships. Empathy develops deeper emotional connections and trust, allowing individuals to genuinely support one another. By understanding both the emotional and cognitive experiences of others, empathy creates lasting bonds. Sympathy, while offering temporary comfort, often lacks the depth needed for strong, enduring relationships. Recognising the impact of these responses is essential for building healthier, more supportive connections that promote mutual understanding and trust.
* As you read further, consider these questions:
* How does empathy and sympathy shape your interactions with others?
* Which type of support do you tend to offer or seek?
* How can understanding these differences improve your relationships?
   Now that we understand these differences, how do empathy and sympathy play out in our everyday relationships? Let’s explore how these emotional responses impact romantic relationships, friendships, family dynamics, and even therapeutic settings

## Impact of empathy and sympathy on behaviour and relationships

Empathy and sympathy significantly impact how we interact in various types of day-to-day relationships. As illustrated in the scenario with Friends A and B, these emotional responses determine the depth and quality of our connections with others, influencing our overall well-being.

### Case study 1: empathy in romantic relationships

* Empathy plays a crucial role in building emotional intimacy and maintaining a strong connection in romantic relationships.
* A study by Cohen et al. (2012) examined the effects of empathy on conflict resolution among couples. The researchers found that partners who displayed higher levels of empathy, such as taking the time to genuinely understand their partner’s emotional experiences, were better able to resolve conflicts and maintain a healthy emotional connection.
* For example, consider a situation where one partner comes home after a long day and expresses frustration around work. An empathetic partner would say, "I understand you're feeling stressed, it sounds like you had a really tough day. How can I support you?" This response mirrors Friend B’s empathetic approach, deepening trust and strengthening the emotional bond between partners, which is vital for a healthy relationship
* The study highlighted that couples who regularly practise empathy reported fewer feelings of isolation and were more likely to view conflicts as opportunities for growth, rather than threats to the relationship. In compassion, couples who responded with more sympathetic, statements often experienced greater relationship strain.
After reading this, do you tend to respond with empathy or sympathy in your romantic relationships, and how do you think this affects the emotional intimacy between you and your partner?

### Case study 2: sympathy in friendships

* While empathy strengthens relationships, sympathy can sometimes unintentionally weaken friendship bonds. A study by Smith and Davidson (2016) explored how sympathy, in comparison to empathy, affects friendships over time. They found that when one friend consistently responds to another's struggles with sympathy, it often leads to feelings of isolation and emotional disconnection.
* For example, imagine a situation where one friend shares that they are overwhelmed with family and work responsibilities. A sympathetic response might be, "I feel bad for you, but you’ll get through it!" This aligns with Friend A's response in the earlier coffee spill scenario, where the attempt to comfort was superficial and centred around minimising the situation internally.
* Friendships grow with emotional connection. Sympathy, while supportive, often falls short of creating the emotional depth needed to build trust and strengthen friendships, leaving the person feeling distanced rather than connected. Over time, friends who consistently receive sympathy may feel less inclined to open up, leading to a more emotionally distant relationship.

### Case study 3: family dynamics and emotional well-being

* Empathy and sympathy also play distinct roles in family relationships, influencing how family members support each other through difficult times. Research by Thomas et al. (2018) found that parents who responded empathetically to their children’s struggles were more likely to raise resilient and emotionally healthy children.
* For instance, when a child comes home upset after a bad day at school, an empathetic parent might say, "I can see that this has really upset you. Let’s sit down and talk about what happened." This mirrors Friend B’s response in the original scenario, where the intent was to connect emotionally rather than immediately offering solutions. On the other hand, a sympathetic response, such as, "I’m sorry you’re feeling bad, but don’t worry, it will all be okay," may provide short-term comfort but lacks the depth required to address the child’s emotional needs.
In your family relationships, are you more likely to respond with empathy or sympathy? How has this affected the emotional well-being of the family members you support?

### Case study 4: the role of empathy in building rapport

* Empathy is essential in therapeutic settings because it allows psychologists to establish trust, develop openness, and create a non-judgmental space for clients to explore their feelings. A case study by Norcross and Lambert (2011) examined Dr. Williams, a psychologist who worked with Sarah, a client experiencing severe anxiety following the loss of her partner.
* In one early session, Sarah expressed her feelings of guilt and grief. Instead of offering comforting words or advice (a sympathetic response) Dr. Williams responded empathetically, saying, "It sounds like you're feeling a lot of guilt right now, and that must be incredibly heavy to carry. I'm here to help you process this in a way that makes sense for you." This empathetic response allowed Sarah to feel heard, encouraging her to open up more in future sessions and build rapport.
* Empathy in therapy, like Friend B’s response in the coffee spill scenario, builds deeper emotional connections and trust. It enables client’s emotional exploration, contributing to their psychological healing
In your own experiences, whether personal or professional, how might using empathy rather than sympathy affect the rapport you build with others?
The effects of empathy and sympathy extend beyond individual relationships and influence overall well-being. When we experience empathy in our close relationships, whether with a partner, friend, or family member. we feel more understood and supported, which enhances our mental health. Empathy creates emotional closeness and trust, contributing to psychological resilience and long-term well-being.
Excessive sympathy, especially if perceived as pity, can lead to feelings of loneliness and emotional disconnection. This happens because sympathy often lacks the emotional engagement necessary for deep, meaningful relationships, leaving the person in need feeling misunderstood or patronised. Just as seen in the coffee spill scenario, sympathy may unintentionally create a gap in emotional connection, while empathy bridges that gap, developing stronger, healthier relationships.
QuizEmpathy or Sympathy?
When a friend shares their bad day, you reply:
I know how you feel. I had a terrible day I had one last week too"
That sounds really tough. I’m here if you want to talk".
Your partner seems stressed after work. You:
Suggest they "just relax and forget about it."
Ask them to share what’s on in their mind and listen without interrupting.
A family member is struggling with a personal issue. You:
Offer advice, saying "I’m sure everything will work out fine."
Sit with them and say "I’m here to support you however you need." :
Empathy creates meaningful, emotionally fulfilling relationships across various relationships. By incorporating empathy into our daily interactions, we develop deeper connections, promote well-being, and foster long-term emotional health. Sympathy, while helpful in some contexts, lacks the emotional depth that empathy provides and can sometimes lead to emotional disconnection. As illustrated by the case studies, practicing empathy leads to more supportive, resilient relationships that enhance the well-being of all individuals involved.
   However, empathy and sympathy manifest differently across cultures. Let’s explore how various cultural perspectives shape the expression of these emotions.

## Cultural perspectives on empathy and sympathy

Empathy and sympathy vary across cultures, shaping behaviour and relationships differently. In individualistic cultures, empathy is personal and emphasises emotional validation (de Greck et al., 2012). It is highly valued in healthcare, where empathetic listening improves patient outcomes. Open emotional expression strengthens relationships by addressing individual needs.
In contrast, collectivist cultures empathy focuses on group harmony, with subtle expressions to maintain social cohesion (Mesquita & Karasawa, 2002). Emotional restraint is prioritised, and sympathy often leads in professional settings where hierarchy and harmony are emphasised. Families in collectivist cultures favour indirect emotional support, while individualistic families prefer open expression (de Greck et al., 2012; Mesquita & Karasawa, 2002).
Regardless of culture, empathy builds stronger emotional bonds, while sympathy, although supportive, can sometimes create emotional distance by not fully engaging with the other person's feelings.
Reflect on how your cultural background influences how you offer emotional support. Do you prioritise individual emotional needs or group harmony when offering empathy or sympathy?
Impact on motivation and emotion
The way empathy and sympathy are expressed in different cultural settings directly impacts motivation and emotional regulation. In individualistic cultures, empathy motivates individuals to engage in prosocial behaviour, driven by personal emotional needs. This leads to open communication in relationships, where verbal validation is key to emotional support.
In collectivist cultures, the motivation for empathy stems from a desire to preserve group harmony. Here, emotional restraint reduces conflict, with empathy often conveyed through actions rather than words (de Greck et al., 2012). These differences illustrate how empathy and sympathy shape emotional regulation and relationship dynamics, whether focused on personal emotional fulfilment or collective well-being.
The role of motivation in empathetic and sympathetic responses
Motivation plays a key role in how empathy and sympathy are expressed. In individualistic cultures, empathy often stems from a desire to build emotional intimacy and meet personal emotional needs. This aligns with Batson's Empathy-Altruism Hypothesis (1991), which suggests that empathy drives altruistic behaviour, fostering stronger relationships by focusing on individual support.
In collectivist cultures, motivation for empathy is group-based, aimed at maintaining social harmony rather than individual emotional fulfilment. This cultural difference impacts how empathy is expressed, either through emotional resonance to strengthen personal bonds or through subtle actions that benefit the group.
Understanding these motivations helps clarify how empathy influences behaviour and relationships: In individualistic settings, empathy enhances personal emotional connections, while in collectivist settings, empathy maintains group balance and cohesion
   Just as motivation influences the expression of empathy and sympathy, it also shapes the emotional outcomes that follow. Let’s now explore how these emotions impact long-term behaviour and relationship dynamics
Emotional consequences of empathy and sympathy
The emotional consequences of empathy and sympathy vary across cultures, influencing long-term behaviour and relationship dynamics. In individualistic cultures, empathy enhances deeper emotional connections, leading to stronger, more emotionally fulfilling relationships. This openness allows for emotional support that enhances individual well-being.
In collectivist cultures, empathy’s long-term effects focus on group harmony, limiting personal emotional fulfilment to some extent. While empathy may strengthen group bonds, it can sometimes prevent deeper one-on-one relationships, as individual emotional needs are often subordinated to the collective.
Sympathy, in both contexts, can create emotional distance. It tends to offer superficial support without fully engaging in the other person’s emotional experience. Over-reliance on sympathy may leave individuals feeling misunderstood or emotionally disconnected, negatively impacting relationships over time (Mesquita & Karasawa, 2002).
   Empathy and sympathy clearly shape our relationships in profound ways. So, what key lessons can we take from this to develop stronger, more supportive connections?

## key takeaways

* Understanding Differences: Recognising the distinction between empathy and sympathy is essential for building stronger, more supportive relationships.
* Empathy Builds Connection: Practising empathy enhances emotional bonds and encourages prosocial behaviours, leading to deeper, more meaningful relationships.
* Limitations of Sympathy: While sympathy can provide immediate comfort, it often lacks the emotional depth necessary for long-term connection and can lead to feelings of emotional disconnection.
* Practical Strategies:
* Active Listening: Pay attention to what others are saying and respond thoughtfully.
* Perspective-Taking: Strive to understand situations from the other person's viewpoint.
* Show Genuine Concern: Demonstrate care and interest in the emotions and experiences of others.

## Conclusion

Empathy and sympathy are fundamentally different in their effects on behaviour and relationships. Empathy fosters emotional resonance and prosocial behaviours, while sympathy, though well-meaning, may create emotional distance. This distinction is essential for understanding how we build deeper, more meaningful connections.
The answer to the question, "What's the difference and how do empathy and sympathy influence behaviour and relationships?" lies in the way each emotion motivates behaviour. Empathy encourages prosocial actions, emotional support, and stronger, more resilient relationships, while sympathy, though well-meaning, may lead to less engaged, surface-level support, which can limit emotional depth and connection.
Practical takeaways include the importance of active listening, perspective-taking, and showing genuine concern to foster empathetic relationships. In both personal and professional settings, empathy enhances emotional well-being and promotes deeper, more supportive connections. Conversely, relying too heavily on sympathy can lead to misunderstandings or emotional disconnection, especially when the emotional engagement is lacking.
Empathy empowers us to build meaningful, supportive connections that not only enhance our well-being but also strengthen the emotional bonds we share with others. By practising empathy over sympathy, we can cultivate deeper, more resilient relationships that not only withstand challenges but grow stronger over time. The key to building lasting, fulfilling relationships lies in understanding and practicing empathy, which ultimately leads to more positive behaviour and stronger relational bonds.