# Motivation and emotion/Book/2024/Abusive relationships and emotional dependency

* Multimedia presentation (3 min)

## Overview

* Figure 1. Depicting two figures; one of them is being abused by the other.
* Case study
* Edwina has been in a romantic relationship with Zack for 2 months now, where in the beginning he appeared to be a good person, however over time she has come to realise he is the complete opposite; Zack has slowly isolated Edwina from her friends and family, heavily controls her social media, forbids her to go places without his permission, even if it's the grocery store, and criticises and insults her if she goes against his wishes. Edwina is extremely unhappy in this relationship, however due to being emotionally dependent on Zack, she feels trapped and unable to leave the relationship.
This chapter aims [say what?] to the significant link between abusive relationships and emotional dependency; The Australian Bureau of Statistics 2022 defines partner emotional abuse as “when a person is subjected to certain behaviours or actions that are aimed at preventing or controlling their behaviour, causing them emotional harm or fear”. (see Figure 1). The document further highlights that these actions are "characterised in nature by their intent to manipulate, control, isolate or intimidate the person they are aimed at". Emotional dependency can be referred to as “a chronic pattern of unmet affective demands, which individuals desperately seek to meet through close interpersonal relationships”. To further understand the connection between abusive relationships and emotional dependency, this chapter focuses on what specific psychological mechanisms drive emotional dependency, and how these mechanisms perpetuate abusive relationships. (see Figure 2)
* Focus questions:
* What psychological mechanisms drive emotional dependency?
* How do psychological mechanisms perpetuate abusive relationships?
* How do individuals remove themselves from abusive relationships?

## What are some psychological mechanisms that drive emotional dependency?

Psychological mechanisms that significantly drive emotional dependency include attachment theory, low self-esteem, and codependency. Attachment theory is a key psychological mechanism that focuses on different attachment styles that may affect individuals in relationships. Additionally, individuals with low self-esteem tend to seek acceptance from others in order to validate themselves - codependency can complicate this; due to codependent individuals prioritising their partner's needs over their own, it results in individuals being heavily reliant on their relationship for their sense of identity. Overall, these mechanisms significantly promote emotional dependency, can further result in a toxic cycle for individuals.

### Attachment Theory

A fundamental psychological mechanism that is linked to emotional dependency is the attachment theory. An accredited psychoanalyst John Bowlby established this theory in order to investigate the intimate relationships and bonds between individuals, as well as relationships between parents and children and their link to relationships later in life. Bowlby's second novel also explained how individuals are born with an attachment behavioural system which incites them to seek intimacy and closeness to attachment figures. Bowlby’s theory critically explores the emotional bonds and relationships between individuals through 4 main attachment styles:

#### Secure Attachment

This attachment style involves individuals being capable of setting healthy boundaries, able to feel safe and stable in their relationships with others, has a good sense of self-worth, able to adequately deal with disappointments and obstacles, and can express their thoughts and feelings adequately.
* Case study
* Stephanie, a 28 year old art teacher, and Toby, a 29 year old business owner, have been together since graduating from university. Both individuals came from families who encouraged emotional communication, which has allowed for them to have a healthy and meaningful relationship. In their relationship, they calmly and effectively communicate their feelings openly, value and respect each other’s independence, and have confidence and trust in one another as they know time apart will not weaken their bond.

#### Anxious Attachment

Anxious attachment is when “individuals worry about being underappreciated or abandoned by their romantic partners”, “are heavily fixated on their partner and their relationship”, and crave being “closer to their partners emotionally to feel more secure”. Anxious individuals also tend to have low self-esteem, but think highly of their intimate partners.
Simpson, J.A and Rholes, W.S. further researched through an “Attachment Diathesis-Stress Process Model” how people who have an anxious attachment think and behave when they encounter stress and/or arguments with their romantic partners. The key findings when researching this that the study found when anxious individuals are extremely distraught when removed or have to consider being removed from their partner, that these individuals display high levels of stress and dysfunctional behaviours when encountering relationship problems, and how certain events when transitioning to parenthood may incite or increase the main concerns of individuals with this attachment style.
The study explores in depth of insecure attachment styles, limitations of the study that can be identified are that the study heavily focuses on specific stress situations which may not fully present the extent of stress responses that can be seen in these relationships.
* Case study
* Holly, a 21 year old university student, and Ryan, a 22 year old electrician have been in a relationship for 7 months. Holly has an anxious attachment style which plays a role in their relationship. An example of this in their relationship could include a situation where Ryan has explained to Holly that he is going to take her to a nice dinner out, however he has to be asleep by 10pm to wake up early for work. They have a nice night together, however as time grows closer to 10pm and Ryan reminds Holly he has to sleep soon, it makes Holly question if he even wants to hang out with her and even wants to be with her, even though he has a valid reason to go to bed early. This leads to Holly panicking and having an emotional outburst stating “you act like you don’t even want to hang out with me anymore!” and “all you do is prioritise work over me!”

#### Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment

This attachment style mainly consists of individuals facing challenges with emotional intimacy (Simpson, J.A and Rholes, W.S., 2017), and being heavily independent and not fond of the idea of being too romantically invested in someone.
This can be demonstrated through a relevant study by Mikulincer M and Shaver PR (2010), where the main focus is on investigating the attachment theory, including avoidant attachment where it found individuals who scored high with this attachment style tend to exhibit strategies to deactivate the relationship, such as not allowing their partner to be close to them, distancing themselves from their partner and not communicating what they want in a relationship.
The topic of debate to how avoidant attachment styles change is explored in a longitudinal study; the study explored the different levels of attachment change over time and how avoidant attachment levels tend to “start low” in childhood” however “gradually increase over time”, in contrast to anxious attachment styles where they “start and remain low across time”.
* Case study
* Dan, a 20 year old rugby league player, and Rita, a 21 year old university student, have been seeing each other for 4 months now. Dan is well-known for having usual romantic flings and can never commit to anyone fully, due to the idea of relying on or being relied on is suffocating to him. So when Rita hints to him of when he is going to officially ask her out, he dismisses it and replies with “can we not talk about this please? Like why do you want to rush things, like can’t you just see how things go?” Additionally, Dan enjoys spending time with Rita however likes to keep to his routine, such as playing rugby and going out drinking with friends every weekend, separate from their relationship - one day, Rita asked Dan if she can come watch his rugby game then afterwards they go out to dinner together to celebrate. Dan replies with “no that’s a bit weird for you to come to my games, you’re not even my girlfriend. Besides, I go out every weekend with my friends after the games so it’s not going to work”. This is degrading to Rita who feels like Danl is emotionally distant and is unwilling to completely invest in being in a relationship with her.

#### Disorganised-Disorientated Attachment

Disorganised attachment stems from childhood where the “child's attachment figure or parent is observably frightened or frightening when a child needs comforting or reassurance”. These characteristics later appear in adult relationships where individuals have a “severe disturbance in threat responding, social cognition and identity development” which can further lead to the “ risk for personality disorders”.
A 2017 latent class analysis focused on researching the disorganised attachment style in adults in order to provide a clear understanding of “severity and stylistic differences in disorganised attachment than has been previously articulated”. The study found through the following attachment styles: secure, insecure, disorganised-oscillating, and disorganised-impoverished that the disorganised-oscillating class was “characterised by elevations on contradictory and preoccupied styles”, while the disorganised-impoverished class portrayed signs of “impoverished and dismissive styles”. This further enables readers to view the different attachment disorganisation patterns in adults, which differentiate based on severity and interpersonal styles. Overall, the study highly recommends early intervention for caregivers in order to prevent this attachment style developing.
* Case study
* Angelina, a 23 year old public servant, and Ed, a 24 year old physiotherapist have been in a relationship for 9 months now. Angelina has developed this attachment style, which has caused a strain on her and Ed’s relationship: For example, Angelina often moves from wanting to be very close to Ed to pushing him away when he gets too close. This can be seen one night, at dinner where Angelina tells Ed how much she loves and appreciates him. The next conversation shifts to Ed saying how he has to go on a work AFL trip to help strap players for a month, to which triggers Angelina’s mood to change. She suddenly believes and voices to Ed that he wants to go on this work trip to purposefully avoid her, and that he doesn’t want to be around her anymore.
Topic Review: Quiz Time!
1
What attachment style is most likely to be upset when removed from a partner?
Avoidant
Anxious
Disorganised
Applies to any of the above
2
What is the Attachment Theory about?
Focuses on different attachment styles
Focuses on romantic relationships and how they link to their childhood
Links to the concept of emotional dependency
Applies to any of the above :

### Low self-esteem

A primary psychological device that influences emotional dependency is low self-esteem.Self-esteem can be defined as “a person's positive or negative attitude toward oneself as well as a person's favourable or unfavourable view of himself or herself”. It can also be characterised as an individual considering themselves as “worthy or unworthy”. (See Figure 3). Some low self-esteem components that incite emotional dependency include:

##### Seeking external validation:

A 2019 observational study aimed to prove that low self-esteem was linked to the use and consequences of indirect support seeking during interactions in romantic relationships. The study proved that people with low self-esteem tend to “utilise indirect support” which may backfire “negative partner support” instead, and further “undermine the feelings of acceptance that low self-esteem individuals crave”, overall demonstrating how low self-esteem individuals can be emotionally dependent through heavily desiring external validation.

##### Fear of abandonment and rejection:

According to a 2022 paper, low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness are typically seen in individuals who have abandonment and rejection issues. The paper outlines how these individuals often internalise abandonment and rejection, believing it was their fault that they are inadequate of being loved and cared about. This negative perception of themselves can lead to a permanent sense of inadequacy and self-doubt, which can impact various areas of their lives, such as their perspective of their careers, platonic relationships, and romantic relationships.. (See Figure 4).

##### Difficulty setting boundaries and prioritising personal needs:

A recent 2023 study found how there is little research on individuals setting boundaries in romantic situations, so researchers investigated the "correlations between mental boundaries, self-esteem, and social support". The study found that there were "significant negative correlations between mental boundaries, self-esteem, and social support" and that "mental boundaries and social support independently predicted self-esteem" in relationships, further demonstrating what factors contribute to individual's self esteem. The study additionally discussed that "individuals with thinner boundaries have lower self-esteem" and "individuals with more substantial levels of social support typically have higher self-esteem". The study concluded that its research is a good start to researching boundary setting in relationships, however identifies the limitations of the study; the survey could have surveyed a more diverse population of individuals, and lack of prior research on this topic. The study concludes that allows audience to understand the difference between "thick and thin boundaries", in order to establish higher levels of self-esteem.

### Codependency

A major psychological mechanism that causes emotional dependency is codependency.
Codependency is defined as a concept that "explains imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person's self-destructive behaviour, such as addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement." Codependent relationships can be also be defined as "a dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables the other person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement".
Both the enabler and enabled of the relationship tend to suffer from emotional dependency; the enabler feel the need for "people to validate them" in order to "find their own worth and identity", so through being in a codependent relationship, it "satisfies the need to feel competent and low self-esteem is boosted by comparing oneself to the dysfunctional partner". In contrast, the enabled, due to their lack of adequate functioning, feel fulfilled and accepted through being in a codependent relationship as they are "highly dependant on the enabler to satisfy [their] needs", which can be damaging for the enabled as it prevents them from "matur[ing] or advancing their life skills".

## How do psychological mechanisms perpetuate abusive relationships?

A key mechanism that maintains abusive relationships is trauma bonding.
Trauma bonding, which is where a person forms a deep emotional attachment that arises from the cycle of abuse. The two key elements that significantly contribute to trauma bonding are "a power imbalance and intermittent reward and punishment".

#### Intermittent reinforcement

Intermittent reinforcement consists "schedules in which a particular behaviour produces a particular consequence, but not every time the behaviour occurs". This can be demonstrated in relationships through continuous cruel treatment with occasional moments of random affection. Research outlines how this unpredictably keeps victims craving and clinging onto occasional moments of affection, which is very similar to someone gambling in hope that they'll win. An example of this can include when the perpetrator gives out "rewards such as affection, a compliment, or gifts sporadically and unpredictably throughout the abuse cycle", which allows victim to remain trapped in this vicious cycle.
A relevant study in relation to this explored how the traumatic bonding theory has significant links to intermittent abuse, and how long it may take for the victim's symptoms attachment and trauma symptoms to no longer persist. The study was conducted on 75 women who had recently left an abusive relationship, which demonstrated how the time that it took for women to have reduced symptoms depended majorly on the extent of intermittent reinforcement and power differentials. The study overall found attachment symptoms decreased by 27% after six months, which further demonstrates the serious impact that intermittent reinforcement plays in relationships.

### Learned helplessness

Learned helplessness is characterised as “behaviour exhibited by a subject after enduring repeated aversive stimuli beyond their control”. Learned helplessness can be demonstrated in relationships through victims being submissive to their partners and refusing to leave the relationship that is abusive.
A relevant 2014 study explored the extent of domestic violence and abuse in intimate relationships through observing survey data; the study found that learned helplessness plays a crucial role in the vicious cycle of abuse, stating “the perpetrator alternates between violent, abusive and apologetic behaviour with apparently heartfelt promises to change”.
Another key study demonstrated how learned helplessness can result in traumatic bonding with the perpetrator, which can develop into serious medical conditions such as "Stockholm Syndrome", or "Battered Woman Syndrome". The study also highlighted how the affects of learned helplessness in relationships can cause the victim to "completely lose their sense of self and system of meaning and to instead adopt their abuser’s view of the world".

### Gaslighting and manipulation

A key mechanism that maintains abusive relationships is gaslighting and manipulation.

#### Gaslighting

Gaslighting is referred to as "a type of psychological abuse aimed at making victims seem or feel “crazy", which is often seen in romantic relationships. It can also be defined as a type of abuse where "a sane and rational survivor is convinced of their own epistemic incompetence on false pretences by a perpetrator".
A recent qualitative analysis was conducted to study the characteristics of gaslighting in relationships. The study surveyed 65 individuals who stated that they had been in an intimate relationship that involved gaslighting. The study asked the individuals questions in relation to this such as describing examples of this abuse tactic occurring in their relationship, different characteristics of their relationships, and what were the mental health repercussions of this abuse occurring. Results showed "gaslighting victimisation was associated with a diminished sense of self, mistrust of others, and on occasion, post-traumatic growth" and those who recovered from gaslighting often emphasised the importance of separation from the perpetrator, prioritisation of healthier relationships, and engaging in meaningful and re-embodying activities". The study emphasises the need for further research on gaslighting in relationships and how victims can recover from this form of abuse, which can overall lead to minimise this type of abuse occurring and providing appropriate treatment to victims.

#### Manipulation

Manipulation is defined as “an action designed to influence or control another, usually in an underhanded or unfair manner which facilitates one's personal aims" (see Figure 7).
Types of Manipulation :
| Having Control over Location | Manipulators may physically take victims to places they are unfamiliar with, or emotionally try to bring victims out of their comfort zone. The abuser does this in order to feel a sense of control. |
| Manipulating Facts | Manipulators will be dishonest with victims, make excuses, and blame them. Occasionally, these types of abusers will share some truth to their facts to strategically manipulate you. |
| Being Passive-Aggressive | Manipulators will voice subtle, indirect negative feelings towards victims to undermine them. |
| Guilt and Sympathy | Manipulators tend to make their victims feel guilty or have sympathy towards them in order to receive what they want. |
| Use of Silent Treatment | Abusers use this withdrawal tactic to punish their victims |
| Use of Comparison | Abusers may compare their victims to someone else to further evoke an upsetting or uncomfortable reaction from victims, or make them feel insecure about something. |
| Love-bombing | Manipulators use this common abuse tactic to give enormous amounts of praise and affection to speed up their relationship between them and their victim. This causes the victim to be heavily attached to their abuser, which allows for the abuser to easily discard them later on. |
Topic Review: Quiz Time!
1
Who is negatively affected in a codependent relationship?
The enabler
The enabled
Both
2
What is the main reason why victims stay in learned helplessness relationships?
They believe they deserve the abuse they're receiving
They believe the perpetrator can change their behaviour as they have apologised or given them gifts
They stay because they feel lonely and no one will love them :

## How do individuals remove themselves from abusive relationships?

According to an Australian psychology article, some ways to break free from emotional dependency to form healthy relationships include:
* Identifying your Attachment Style
* Improving your Self-Esteem
* Spending Time with Friends and Family
* Having Calm and Honest Communication with your Partner
* Setting and Upholding Healthy Boundaries
* Working with a Therapist through these Issues

## Conclusion

This chapter establishes the significant connection between emotional dependency and abusive relationships, which is key for creating healthier relationships with others. Through being aware of psychological mechanisms, such as attachment theory, low self-esteem, and codependency, it allows audiences to adequately understand how these devices drive emotional dependency. Additionally, the article explores certain crucial mechanisms that incite abuse, such as trauma bonding, learned helplessness, gaslighting, and manipulation. This valuable information also enables individuals to be educated on this specific topic and to start working on strategies to remove themselves from emotional dependency and unhealthy relationships. It is through these devices that individuals are capable in understanding the crucial link between emotional dependency and unhealthy relationships in order from them to foster healthier romantic relationships.