# The Scots Piper's Queries, or, John Falkirk's Carriches (1790s)/The Comical and Witty Jokes of John Falkirk the Merry Piper

​An old gentleman and his two sons being in a company, his eldest son sitting next to him, spoke a word which highly displeased his father, for which his father gave him a hearty blow on the side of the head; a well, said he, I will not lift my hand to strike my parent, but he gives his other brother, that sat by him, a blow on the ear, saying, give that about by way of a drink till it comes to my father again.
A sailor travelling between Edinburgh and Linlithgow, which is 12 long computed miles; and as he was setting out in the morning about eight o'clock; he saw a vain-like young spark ​go running past him, which he never minded, but kept jogging on at his own leisure: and as he was going into Linlithgow about twelve o'clock up comes the young spark, and asked the sailor what o'clock it was, Why, says the sailor, I see you have a watch and I have none, what is it? Out he pulls his watch, ho! said he, it's directly twelve, and what do you think, it was half an hour after ten or I came out of Edinburgh, I have walked it in an hour and a half; it is pretty well tript, says the sailor, but pray sir, what man of business are you? O! said he, I am a watch maker. I was thinking so, said the sailor, for you have made the watch answer your feet, for they cannot answer a right watch, and I suppose your tongue cannot keep time with either of them; do you remember where you passed me this morning about eight o'clock? O yes, said he, and off he went.
A certain old reverend priest being one night at supper in a gentleman's ohuse, and for one article having eggs, the server of the table laid a cloth on ​every one's knee for to hold their egg in when hot; when supper was over the priest lookt down between his legs, and seeing the white cloth, thought it was his own shirt tail, and verly slyly staps it in to his breeches, bit and bit, which the landlady and the maid observed, but was ashamed to tell him; so home he went with the servit in his breeches, and knew nothing of it till going to bed, when it fell from him: his wife enquired how he came by it, he could not tell, but was surprised how he came to have more bulk in his breeches than formerly, but observing the name they sent it back again, the priest pleaded to be excused, owned himself only a thief in ignorance.
As two maids were coming from milking their cows, one of them stepping over a stile, fell and spilt the whole paleful of milk from her head. O, said she what will I do, what will I do? O, said the other maid let it go, who can help it now, you can't take it up again, it's not your maidenead. My maidenhead, said she, if it were my maiden head, I would think no​thing of it, many a time I have lost my maidenhead with great pleasure, and it ay came back again to its ain place, but I'll never gather up my milk.
A drover who frequented a public inn in the north of England, as he passed and repassed, agreed with the servant maid of the house for a touch of love; for which he gave her a six and thirty shilling piece: On the next morning he mounted his horse, without asking abill or what was to pay; but sir, said the landlord, you forgot to pay your reckoning: Well minded, sir, I forgot my change; the maid was called in all haste; yes, said she I got it, but it was not for that, throws it down and off she goes: her mistress gave her the challenge, she told her it was so, but she should be up with him. Twelve months after, he coming past with his drove, puts up at the same inn, as formerly: The girl then goes to a neighbour woman who had a young child about three months old, lays it on the table, saying, sir, there's the change of your six and thirty and ​away she comes: The child cries, and the bell's rung, the landlord was ready enough to answer. O sir, said the drover, call her back, for this will ruin my family, and crack my credit; but sir, said the girl, you thought nothing to ruin my character and crack my maidenhead. Peace, peace, said he, my dear, here's one hundred and fifty pounds, and take away the child and trouble me no more. Well, said she, I will take it, and you'll make more of buying cows than maidenheads; so away she came with the money and returned the borrowed child to its own mother.
Three merry companions having met on a Saturday night at an alehouse, (a hatter, a shoe-maker, and a tailor) where they drank heartily all that night, and to morrow until midday: and their beats were who had the lovingest wife. So they agreed for trial of their good nature, that every man should do whatever his wife bid him do as soon as ever he went home; who did not as she ordered him was to pay all the reckoning, which ​came to seven and sixpence; or if all of them did as their wives bid them, then they were to pay all alike. So on this agreement they all came away, first to the hatter's house, and in he goes like a mad man, dancing and jumping round the floor, his wife was taking off the pot and setting it on the floor, he still dancing about. ding over the pot with thy madness; so he gives it a kick and over it went, and that saved him, as he had done what his wife bade him do. Τhen away they go to the tailor's house, in he goes dancing likewise, but his wife fell a scolding him: O, says he, give me a kiss? kiss my arse you drunken rogue, said she, then to her flies and lays her on the bed up, with her petticoats and kisses her arse before them all, and that saved him. Then away they went to the shoe-maker's, and in he goes very merry, and dancing about as he saw the other two do, saying come my dear heart, and give me a kiss? Go hang yourself you drunken dog, said she, so he must either go and hang himself directly, or pay the reckoning.
​An honest Highlandman not long since, not much acquainted with law, fell out with one of his neighbours, and to the law they went; he employed one advocate, and his opposite annother, and as they were debating it in court before the judges, the highlandman being there present, a friend on his side asked him how he thought it would go, or who would gain the day, indeed says the highlandman his law man speaks well, and my lawman speaks well, I think we'll both win, and the judges will lose, for they speak but a word now and then.
А young woman by the old accident having got herself with child, was called to the session for so doing, and after one elder another examining her how she got it, and where she got it, and what tempted her to get it; and no doubt the deel wad get her for the getting it! and last of all the minister fell a enquiring how she got it, which run the poor lass out of all patience about the getting, says the priest, tell me plainly where it was gotten? I tell you, said she it was gotten in the byre, ​at a cow's stake, and what other place would you want to ken about? but said he, did he not tye you to the cow's stake? No, said she, I did not need any tying; and how far was between the byre and the house? Just but and ben, up and down twa staps of a stane stair: Then says the priest why did you not cry to the folks in the house? indeed sir, says she, I could not get cried for the laughing at it.
A soldier being on a forlough from the north of Scotland, having got no breakfast, fell very hungry by the way and no alehouse being near, came in to a farmer's house, and wished them to sell him some bread, or any kind of victuals; to whch the surly goodwife replied, she never sold any bread, and was not going to begin with him, he had, but three miles and a bittock to an alehouse, and he night walk on, as she did fair enough when she gied bits of bread for naething to beggars, tho' she gied nane to idle soldiers, he had naething to do there awa'. Hout, said the goodman, gie'm a ladlefu' o' our kail, he's been somebody's bairn ​before he was a soldier. What! said she, there's not a drop in the pot, they are a' in the plate before you; then gie'm a spoon and let him sup wi' us. The soldier gets a spoon, and thinking he could sup all he saw, the first sup he took, he spouted back again in to the plate, and cries out, O my sore mouth, the hide's yet all off since I had the clap; every one throwing down his spoon, the soldier got all to sup himself; the wife stood cursing and scolding all the time, and when he was done burnt both plate and spoon to prevent the clap. So the soldier came off with a full belly, leaving the wife dressing the goodman's rigging with a four footed stool for bidding him sup.
A churlish man and a virtuous wife one time fell-out, because the wife had given something to the poor, what, said he mistess, I'll let you know there ⟨is⟩ nothing about this house but what ⟨is⟩ mine: Well, well, goodman, then ⟨you⟩ will let me have nothing, take it ⟨all⟩ and give me peace; so away they ⟨went⟩ to bed, and the good wife turned ⟨her⟩ backside toward the goodman, and ⟨as⟩ ​he was falling asleep, she draws up her smoke and lets fly in the goodman's shirt tail, which awakened him in as great fright as he had been shot; ay, ay, woman, what are ye about? what am I about said she: dear woman you are filling the bed Not I goodman, for when my arse was my own I took care of it, and take ye care of it now, it is yours. O rise woman and clean the bed, and keep your arse and a' the liberty ye had before, and more, if ye want it; feigh, what's this, I'm a' dirt.
A ships crew being one time in great distress at sea, by reason of a violent storm and being all fallen down to prayer, expecting every moment to go to the bottom: there happened to be an old gentleman, a passenger on board with them, who had a great big red nose, with drinking ale and whisky; and being all at their last prayers as they thought, a little boy burst out into a loud laughter; O thou thoughtless rogue, said the captain, what makes the laugh, seeing us all on the point of perishing? Why said the boy, I cannot but laugh for to think what fine ​⟨sport⟩ it will be when we are all ⟨drowning⟩, to see how that man's red nose ⟨will⟩ make the water biz when it comes ⟨about⟩ it; at which words they all fell ⟨to⟩ laughing and cherished the crew, so ⟨that⟩ they made another attempt to (illegible text)eather out, and got all safe ashore at ⟨last⟩.
John Falkirk's Love Letter to the Fiddler's Widow
My lovely Bet, the beauty of old ⟨age⟩, thy hoary head, and louching ⟨shoulders⟩ incline to mortality; yet I ⟨still⟩ compare thee to the Eagle that ⟨has⟩ renewed her youth, or leek with ⟨a⟩ white head and a green tail, this ⟨comes⟩ to thee with my kind compliments for kisses of thy lips and the ⟨fondness⟩ I had for thy late bed fellow, ⟨Fiddler⟩ Pate, my brother pensioner; ⟨Oh!⟩ how we drank others healths with ⟨the⟩ broe of the bucket ewes, we brought ⟨from⟩ boughts of the German Boors; ⟨but⟩ it's nonsense to praise the dead, ⟨when⟩ in the dust, yet a better Vialer ⟨never⟩ freeded on a silken cord, or (illegible text)littled a cat's trypes wi' his finger-ends, ​his elbows were supple as an eel, ⟨and⟩ his fingers dabbed at the jigging ⟨end⟩ like a hungry hen picking barley: ⟨I⟩ seldom or ever saw him drunk, ⟨and⟩ keep him from whisky, or whisky ⟨from⟩ him; except that night he trysted ⟨the⟩ free-stone pair of breeches from Joseph the mason: and now, my ⟨dear⟩ Beyssy, he's got them, he's got them for a free-stane covers his body, hold him down, and will do; and now, no (illegible text) my dainty thing, match for matrimony, come tak me now or tell me now I'm in danger, I'll wait nae langer; say be clever, either now or never, it (illegible text) a rapture of love which does me move. I'll have a wife, or by my life, if she should be blind and cripple; I'll se(illegible text) my wind for her meat and sun, the like ne'er gaed down her thrapple so now Bessy I love you, my love lies upon you; and if you love me not again, some ill chance come upon you as I am flyting free, I am both in love and banter, or may your rumpl rust for me; I have sworn it by my chanter.
FINIS.