# Vice Versa/Chapter 8

'I pray you, give me leave to go from hence,  I am not well;'  Merchant of Venice.
'He will not blush, that has a father's heart,  To take in childish plays a childish part;  But bends his sturdy back to any toy  That youth takes pleasure in,—to please his boy.'
The football field was a large one, bounded on two sides by tall wooden palings, and on the other two by a hedge and a new shingled road, separated from the field by a post and rails.
Two of the younger boys, proud of their office, raced down to the further end to set up the goal-posts. The rest lounged idly about without attempting to begin operations, except the new boy Kiffin, who was seen walking apart from the rest, diligently studying the 'rules of the game of football,' as laid down in a small 'Boy's Own Pocket Book and Manual of Outdoor Sports', with which he had been careful to provide himself.
At last Tipping suggested that they had better begin, and proposed that Mr. Blinkhorn and himself should toss up for the choice of sides, and this being done, Mr. Bultitude presently, to his great dismay, heard his name mentioned. 'I'll have young Bultitude,' said Tipping; 'he used to play up decently. Look here, you young beggar, you're on my side, and if you don't play up it will be the worse for you!'
It was not worth while, however, to protest, since he would so soon be rid of the whole crew for ever, and so Paul followed Tipping and his train with dutiful submission, and the game began.
It was not a spirited performance. Mr. Tinkler, who was not an athlete, retired at once to the post and rails, on which he settled himself to enjoy a railway novel with a highly stimulating cover. Mr. Blinkhorn, who had more conscientious views of his office, charged about vigorously, performing all kinds of wonders with the ball, though evidently more from a sense of duty than with any idea of enjoyment.
Tipping occasionally took the trouble to oppose him, but as a concession merely, and with a parade of being under no necessity to do so; and these two, with a very small following of enthusiasts on either side, waged a private and confidential kind of warfare in different parts of the field, while the others made no pretence of playing for the present, but strolled about in knots, exchanging and bartering the treasures valuable in the sight of schoolboys, and gossiping generally.
As for Paul, he did not clearly understand what 'playing up' might mean. He had not indulged in football since he was a genuine boy, and then only in a rudimentary and primitive form, and without any particular fondness for the exercise. But being now, in spirit at all events, a precise elderly person, with a decided notion of taking care of himself, he was resolved that not even Tipping should compel him to trust his person within range of that dirty brown globe, which whistled past his ear or seemed spinning towards his stomach with such a hideous suggestion of a cannon-ball about it.
All the ghastly instances, too, of accidents to life and limb in the football field came unpleasantly into his memory, and he saw the inadvisability of mingling with the crowd and allowing himself to be kicked violently on the shins.
So he trotted industriously about at a safe distance in order to allay suspicion, while waiting for a good opportunity to put his scheme of escape into execution.
At last he could wait no longer, for the fearful thought occurred to him, that if he remained there much longer, the Doctor—who, as he knew from Dick, always came to superintend, if not to share the sports of his pupils—might make his appearance, and then his chance would be lost for the present, for he knew too well that he should never find courage to ask permission from him.
With a beating heart he went up to Mr. Tinkler, who was still on the fence with his novel, and asked as humbly as he could bring himself to do:
'If you please, sir, will you allow me to go home? I'm—I'm not feeling at all well.'
'Not well! What's the matter with you?' said Mr. Tinkler, without looking up.
Paul had not prepared himself for details, and the sudden question rather threw him off his guard.
'A slight touch of liver,' he said at length. 'It takes me after meals sometimes.'
'Liver!' said Mr. Tinkler, 'you've no right to such a thing at your age; it's all nonsense, you know. Run in and play, that'll set you up again.'
'It's fatal, sir,' said Paul. 'My doctor expressly warned me against taking any violent exercise soon after luncheon. If you knew what liver is, you wouldn't say so!'
Mr. Tinkler stared, as well he might, but making nothing of it, and being chiefly anxious not to be interrupted any longer, only said, 'Oh, well, don't bother me; I daresay it's all right. Cut along!'
So Mr. Bultitude was free; the path lay open to him now. He knew he would have little difficulty in finding his way to the station, and, once there, he would have the whole afternoon in which to wait for a train to town.
'I've managed that excellently,' he thought, as he ran blithely off, almost like the boy he seemed. 'Not the slightest hitch. I defy the fates themselves to stop me now!'
But the fates are ladies, and—not of course that it follows—occasionally spiteful. It is very rash indeed to be ungallant enough to defy them—they have such an unpleasant habit of accepting the challenge.
Mr. Bultitude had hardly got clear of the groups scattered about the field, when he met a small flaxen-haired boy, who was just coming down to join the game. It was Porter, his neighbour of the German lesson.
'There you are, Bultitude, then,' he said in his squeaky voice: 'I want you.'
'I can't stop,' said Paul, 'I'm in a hurry—another time.'
'Another time won't do,' said little Porter, laying hold of him by his jacket. 'I want that rabbit.'
This outrageous demand took Mr. Bultitude's breath away. He had no idea what rabbit was referred to, or why he should be required to produce such an animal at a moment's notice. This was the second time an inconvenient small boy had interfered between him and liberty. He would not be baffled twice. He tried to shake off his persecutor.
'I tell you, my good boy, I haven't such a thing about me. I haven't indeed. I don't even know what you're talking about.'
This denial enraged Porter.
'I say, you fellows,' he called out, 'come here! Do make Bultitude give me my rabbit. He says he doesn't know anything about it now!'
At this several of the loungers came up, glad of a distraction.
'What's the matter?' some of them asked.
'Why,' whined Porter, 'he promised to bring me back a rabbit this term, and now he pretends he does not know anything about it. Make him say what he's done with it!'
Mr. Bultitude was not usually ready of resource, but now he had what seemed a happy thought.
'Gad!' he cried, pretending to recollect it, 'so I did—to be sure, a rabbit, of course, how could I forget it? It's—it's a splendid rabbit. I'll go and fetch it!'
'Will you?' cried Porter, half relieved. 'Where is it, then?'
'Where?' said Paul sharply (he was growing positively brilliant). 'Why, in my playbox to be sure; where should it be?'
'It isn't in your playbox, I know,' put in Siggers: 'because I saw it turned out yesterday and there was no rabbit then. Besides, how could a rabbit live in a playbox? He's telling lies. I can see it by his face. He hasn't any rabbit!'
'Of course I haven't!' said Mr. Bultitude. 'How should I? I'm not a conjurer. It's not a habit of mine to go about with rabbits concealed on my person. What's the use of coming to me like this? It's absurd, you know; perfectly absurd!'
The crowd increased until there was quite a ring formed round Mr. Bultitude and the indignant claimant, and presently Tipping came bustling up.
'What's the row here, you fellows?' he said. 'Bultitude again, of course. What's he been doing now?'
'He had a rabbit he said he was keeping for me,' explained little Porter: 'and now he won't give it up or tell me what he's done with it.'
'He has some mice he ought to give us, too,' said one or two new comers, edging their way to the front.
Mr. Bultitude was of course exceedingly annoyed by this unlooked-for interruption, and still more by such utterly preposterous claims on him for animals; however, it was easy to explain that he had no such things in his possession, and after that of course no more could be said. He was beginning to disclaim all liability, when Siggers stopped him.
'Keep that for the present,' he said. 'I say, we ought to have a regular trial over this, and get at the truth of it properly. Let's fetch him along to the goal-posts and judge him!'
He fixed upon the goal-posts as being somehow more formal, and, as his proposal was well received, two of them grasped Mr. Bultitude by the collar and dragged him along in procession to the appointed spot between the two flags, while Siggers followed in what he conceived to be a highly judicial manner, and evidently enjoying himself prodigiously.
Paul, though highly indignant, allowed himself to be led along without resistance. It was safest to humour them, for after all it would not last long, and when they were tired of baiting him he could watch his time and slip quietly away.
When they reached the goal-posts Siggers arranged them in a circle, placing himself, the hapless Paul, and his accusers in the centre. 'You chaps had better all be jurymen,' he said. 'I'll be judge, and unless he makes a clean breast of it,' he added with judicial impartiality, 'the court will jolly well punch his ugly young head off.'
Siggers' father was an Old Bailey barrister in good and rather sharp practice, so that it was clearly the son's mission to preside on this occasion. But unfortunately his hour of office was doomed to be a brief one, for Mr. Blinkhorn, becoming aware that the game was being still more scantily supported, and noticing the crowd at the goal, came up to know the reason of it at a long camel-like trot, his hat on the back of his head, his mild face flushed with exertion, and his pebble glasses gleaming in the winter sunshine.
'What are you all doing here? Why don't you join the game? I've come here to play football with you, and how can I do it if you all slink off and leave me to play by myself?' he asked with pathos.
'Please, sir,' said Siggers, alarmed at the threatened loss of his dignity, 'it's a trial, and I'm judge.'
'Yes, sir,' the whole ring shouted together. 'We're trying Bultitude, sir.'
On the whole, perhaps, Mr. Bultitude was glad of this interference. At least justice would be done now, although this usher had blundered so unpardonably that morning.
'This is childish, you know,' said Mr. Blinkhorn, 'and it's not football. The Doctor will be seriously angry if he comes and sees you trifling here. Let the boy go.'
'But he's cheated some of the fellows, sir,' grumbled Tipping and Siggers together.
'Well, you've no right to punish him if he has. Leave him to me.'
'Will you see fair play between them, sir? He oughtn't to be let off without being made to keep his word.'
'If there is any dispute between you and Bultitude,' said Mr. Blinkhorn, 'I have no objection to settle it—provided it is within my province.'
'Settle it without me,' said Paul hurriedly. 'I've leave to go home. I'm ill.'
'Who gave you leave to go home?' asked the master.
'That young man over there on the rails,' said Paul.
'I am the proper person to apply to for leave; you know that well enough,' said Mr. Blinkhorn, with a certain coldness in his tone. 'Now then, Porter, what is all this business about?'
'Please, sir,' said Porter, 'he told me last term he had a lot of rabbits at home, and if I liked he would bring me back a lop-eared one and let me have it cheap, and I gave him two shillings, sir, and sixpence for a hutch to keep it in; and now he pretends he doesn't know anything about it!'
To Paul's horror two or three other boys came forward with much the same tale. He remembered now that during the holidays he had discovered that Dick was maintaining a sort of amateur menagerie in his bedroom, and that he had ordered the whole of the live-stock to be got rid of or summarily destroyed.
Now it seemed that the wretched Dick had already disposed of it to these clamorous boys, and, what was worse, had stipulated with considerable forethought for payment in advance. For the first time he repented his paternal harshness. Like the netted lion, a paltry white mouse or two would have set him free; but, less happy than the beast in the fable, he had not one!
He tried to stammer out excuses. 'It's extremely unfortunate,' he said, 'but the fact is I'm not in a position to meet this—this sudden call upon me. Some other day, perhaps——'
'None of your long words, now,' growled Tipping. (Boys hate long words as much as even a Saturday Reviewer.) 'Why haven't you brought the rabbits?'
'Yes,' said Mr. Blinkhorn. 'Why, having promised to bring the rabbits with you, haven't you kept your word? You must be able to give some explanation.'
'Because,' said Mr. Bultitude, wriggling with embarrassment, 'I—that is my father—found out that my young rascal of a son—I mean his young rascal of a son (me, you know) was, contrary to my express orders, keeping a couple of abominable rabbits in his bedroom, and a quantity of filthy little white mice which he tried to train to climb up the banisters. And I kept finding the brutes running about my bath-room, and—well, of course, I put a stop to it; and—no, what am I saying?—my father, of course, he put a stop to it; and, in point of fact, had them all drowned in a pail of water.'
It might be thought that he had an excellent opportunity here of avowing himself, but there was the risk that Mr. Blinkhorn would disbelieve him, and, with the boys, he felt that the truth would do anything but increase his popularity. But dissembling fails sometimes outside the copy-books, and Mr. Bultitude's rather blundering attempt at it only landed him in worse difficulties.
There was a yell of rage and disappointment from the defrauded ones, who had cherished a lingering hope that young Bultitude had those rabbits somewhere, but (like Mr. Barkis and his china lemon) found himself unable to part with them when the time came to fulfil his contract. And as contempt is a frame of mind highly stimulating to one's self-esteem, even those who had no personal interest in the matter joined in the execrations with hearty goodwill and sympathy.
'Why did you let him do it? They were ours, not his. What right had your governor to go and drown our rabbits, eh?' they cried wrathfully.
'What right?' said Paul. 'Mustn't a man do as he pleases in his own house, then? I—he was not obliged to see the house overrun with vermin, I suppose?'
But this only made them angrier, and they resented his defence with hoots, and groans, and hisses.
Mr. Blinkhorn meanwhile was pondering the affair conscientiously. At last he said, 'But you know the Doctor would never allow animals to be kept in the school, if Bultitude had brought them. The whole thing is against the rules, and I shall not interfere.'
'Ah, but,' said Chawner, 'he promised them all to day-boarders. The Doctor couldn't object to that, could he, sir?'
'True,' said Mr. Blinkhorn, 'true. I was not aware of that. Well then, Bultitude, since you are prevented from performing what you promised to do, I'm sure you won't object to do what is fair and right in the matter?'
'I don't think I quite follow you,' said Mr. Bultitude. But he dreaded what was coming next.
'It's very simple. You have taken money from these boys, and if you can't give them value for it, you ought to return all you took from them. I'm sure you see that yourself.'
'I don't admit that I owe them anything,' said Paul; 'and at all events it is highly inconvenient to pay them now.'
'If your own sense of honour isn't enough,' said Mr. Blinkhorn, 'I must take the matter into my own hands. Let every boy who has any claim upon him tell me exactly what it is.'
One boy after another brought forward his claim. One had entrusted Dick, it appeared, with a shilling, for which he was to receive a mouse with a 'plum saddle,' and two others had invested ninepence each in white mice. With Porter's half-crown, the total came to precisely five shillings—all Paul had in the world, the one rope by which he could ever hope to haul himself up to his lost pinnacle!
Mr. Blinkhorn, naturally enough, saw no reason why the money, being clearly due, should not be paid at once. 'Give me any money you have about you, Bultitude,' he said, 'and I'll satisfy your debts with it, as far as it goes.'
Paul clasped his arm convulsively. 'No!' he cried hoarsely, 'not that! Don't make me do that! I—I can't pay them—not now. They don't understand. If they only give me time they shall have double their money back—waggon-loads of rabbits, the best rabbits money can buy—if they'll wait. Tell them to wait. My dear sir, don't see me wronged! I won't pay now!'
'They have waited long enough,' said Mr. Blinkhorn; 'you must pay them.'
'I tell you I won't!' cried Paul; 'do you hear? Not one sixpence. Oh, if you knew! That infernal Garudâ Stone! What fools people are!'
Then in his despair he did the most fatal thing possible. He tried to save himself by flight, and with a violent plunge broke through the circle and made for the road which led towards the station.
Instantly the whole school, only too glad of the excitement, was at his heels. The unhappy Colonial Produce merchant ran as he had not run for a quarter of a century, faster even than he had on his first experience of Coggs' and Coker's society on that memorable Monday night. But in spite of his efforts the chase was a short one. Chawner and Tipping very soon had him by the collar, and brought him back, struggling and kicking out viciously, to Mr. Blinkhorn, whose good opinion he had now lost for ever.
'Please, sir,' said Chawner, 'I can feel something like a purse in his pocket. Shall I take it out, sir?'
'As he refuses to act with common honesty—yes,' said Mr. Blinkhorn.
It was Dick's purse, of course; and in spite of Paul's frantic efforts to retain it, it was taken from him, its contents equitably divided amongst the claimants, and the purse itself returned to him—empty.
'Now, Bultitude,' said Mr. Blinkhorn, 'if you really wish to leave the field, you may.'
Mr. Bultitude lost what little temper he had yet to lose; he flung the useless purse from him and broke away from them all in a condition little removed from insanity.
Leave the field! What a mockery the permission was now. How was he to get home, a distance of more than fifty miles, without a penny in his pocket? Ten minutes before, and freedom was within his grasp, and now it had eluded him and was as hopelessly out of reach as ever!
No one pitied him; no one understood the real extent of his loss. Mr. Blinkhorn and the few enthusiasts went back to their unobtrusive game, while the rest of the school discussed the affair in groups, the popular indignation against young Bultitude's hitherto unsuspected meanness growing more marked every instant.
It might have even taken some decided and objectionable form before long, but when it was at its height there was a sudden cry of alarm. 'Cave, you fellows, here's Grim!' and indeed in the far distance the Doctor's portly and imposing figure could be seen just turning the corner into the field.
Mr. Bultitude felt almost cheered. This coming to join his pupils' sports showed a good heart; the Doctor would almost certainly be in a good humour, and he cheated himself into believing that, at some interval in the game, he might perhaps find courage to draw near and seek to interest him in his incredible woes.
It was quite extraordinary to see how the game, which had hitherto decidedly languished and hung fire, now quickened into briskness and became positively spirited. Everyone developed a hearty interest in it, and it would almost seem as if the boys, with more delicacy than they are generally credited with, were unwilling to let their master guess how little his indulgence was really appreciated. Even Mr. Tinkler, whose novel had kept him spell-bound on his rail all through the recent excitement, now slipped it hurriedly into his pocket and rushed energetically into the fray, shouting encouragement rather indiscriminately to either side, till he had an opportunity of finding out privately to which leader he had been assigned.
Dr. Grimstone came down the field at a majestic slow trot, calling out to the players as he came on—'Well done, Mutlow! Finely played, sir! Dribble it along now. Ah, you're afraid of it! Run into it, sir, run into it! No running with the ball now, Siggers; play without those petty meannesses, or leave the game! There, leave the ball to me, will you—leave it to me!'
And, as the ball had rolled in his direction, he punted it up in an exceedingly dignified manner, the whole school keeping respectfully apart, until he had brought it to a reasonable distance from the goal, when he kicked it through with great solemnity, amidst faint, and it is to be feared somewhat sycophantic applause, and turned away with the air of a man surfeited of success.
'For which side did I win that?' he asked presently, whereupon Tipping explained that his side had been the favoured one. 'Well then,' he said, 'you fellows must all back me up, or I shall not play for you any more;' and he kicked off the ball for the next game.
It was noticeable that the party thus distinguished did not seem precisely overwhelmed with pleasure at the compliment, which, as they knew from experience, implied considerable exertion on their part, and even disgrace if they were unsuccessful.
The other side too looked unhappy, feeling themselves in a position of extreme delicacy and embarrassment. For if they played their best, they ran some risk of offending the Doctor, or, what was worse, drawing him over into their ranks; while if, on the other hand, they allowed themselves to be too easily worsted, they might be suspected of sulkiness and temper—offences which he was very ready to discover and resent.
Dr. Grimstone for his part enjoyed the exercise, and had no idea that he was not a thoroughly welcome and valued playmate. But though it was pleasant to outsiders to see a schoolmaster permitting himself to share in the recreation of his pupils, it must be owned that to the latter the advantages of the arrangement seemed something more than dubious.
Mr. Bultitude, being on the side adopted by the Doctor, found too soon that he was expected to bestir himself. More than ever anxious now to conciliate, he did his very best to conquer his natural repugnance and appear more interested than alarmed as the ball came in his way; but although (in boating slang) he 'sugared' with some adroitness, he was promptly found out, for his son had been a dashing and plucky player.
It was bitter for him to run meekly about while scathing sarcasms and comments on his want of courage were being hurled at his head. It shattered the scanty remnants of his self-respect, but he dared not protest or say a single word to open the Doctor's eyes to the injustice he was doing him.
He was unpleasantly reminded, too, of the disfavour he had acquired amongst his companions, by some one or other of them running up to him every moment when the Doctor's attention was called elsewhere, and startling his nerves by a sly jog or pinch, or an abusive epithet hissed viciously into his ears—Chawner being especially industrious in this respect.
And in this unsatisfactory way the afternoon dragged along until the dusk gathered and the lamps were lighted, and it became too dark to see goal-posts or ball.
By the time play was stopped and the school re-formed for the march home, Mr. Bultitude felt that he was glad even to get back to labour as a relief from such a form of enjoyment. It was perhaps the most miserable afternoon he had ever spent in his whole easy-going life. In the course of it he had passed from brightest hope to utter despair; and now nothing remained to him but to convince the Doctor, which he felt quite unequal to do, or to make his escape without money—which would inevitably end in a recapture.
May no one who reads this ever be placed upon the horns of such a dilemma!