# History of John Cheap, the Chapman (7)

THE
HISTORY
OF
JOHN CHEAP,
THE
CHAPMAN:
CONTAINING.
Above a Hundred Merry Exploits done by him
and his Fellow Traveller, Drouthy
Tom, a sticked Shaver.
IN THREE PARTS.
FALKIRK:
PRINTED FOR THE BOOKSELLERS.
THE
HISTORY
OF
JOHN CHEAP,
THE
CHAPMAN.
PREFACE.
JOHN CHEAP, the chapman, was a very comical short thick fellow, with a broad face and a long nose; both lame and lazy, and something lccherous among the lasses. He chose rathcr to sit idle than work at any time, as he was a hater of hard labour. No man needed offer him cheese and bread after hc cursed he would not have it; for he would blush at bread and milk when hungry, as a beggar doth at a bawbee. He got the name of John Cheap, the Chapman, by selling twenty needles for a penny, and twa leather laces for a farthing.
He swore no oaths but one, which was, Let me never sin.
He used no impreeations but, Let me neither cheat nor be cheated, but rather cheat, &c.
He gave bad counsel to none but children, to burn the bone combs, that their mother might buy another when he came again.
He never fought with any but dogs, and the goodwives' daughters in their daffing, and that's not dangerous.
PART I.
The following Relation is taken from his own mouth verbatim.
I, JOHN CHEAP, by chance, at some certain time, doubtless against my will, was born at the Hottom, near Habertchoy Mill. My father was a Scotch Highlander, and my mother a Yorkshire wench, but honest, which causes me to be of a mongrel kind: I made myself a chapman when very young, in hopes of being rich when I became old; but fortune was fickle, and so was I; for I began to consider the danger of deep ditches, midden dubs, biting dogs, bogles in barns, bangster wives and weet sacks; and what comfort is it says I, to lie in the cow's oxter the length of a cold winter night; to sit behind backs till the kail be a' cuttied up, and then to lick colly's leavings.
My first journey was through Old Kilpatrick, I got no meat nor money until the evening I began to ask for lodging, then every wife to get me away would either give me cogful of kail, or a piece of cake. Well says I to myself, if this be the way, I shall begin in the morning to ask for lodging, or any time when I am hungry. Thus I continued going from house to house, until my belly was like to burst, and my pockets could hold no more; at last I came to a farmer's house, but thinking it not dark enough to prevail for lodging, I sat down upon a stone at the end of a house, till day light would go away; and as I was getting up to go into the house, out comes the goodwife, and sat down at the end of the stone. I being at the other, there she began to let off her water with full force, which I bore with very modestly, till near an end; then she made the wind follow ​with such force, as made, as I thought the very stone I leaned upon to move, which made me burst out into laughter; then up gets the wife and runs for it; I followed hard after into the house, and as I entered the door, I heard the goodman saying, Ay, ay, goodwife, what's the haste, you run sae fast?
No more passed, until I addressed the goodman for quarters; which he answered, 'indeed lad, we hae nae beds but three, my wife and I, ourselves twa, and the twa bits o' little anes, Willy aad Jenny lie in ane; the twa lads, our twa servant men, Willy Black and Tom Eve, lie in anither; auld Maggs my mither, and the lass Jean Tirrem lie thegither, and that fills them a'. 'O but, says I goodman, there is some of them fuller than others, you may let me lie with your mither and the lass: I shall lie heads and thraws wi' them, and keep on my breeks. A good keep me, quo' the lass frae a' temptations to sin, although thou be but a callan, heth I'll rather lie wi' Sannock Garnor. Hout awa, quo' the auld wife, the poor lad may lie on a battle o' strae beyond the fire. No, no, cries the goodwife, he's no be here the night, or I'se no be here. Dear goodwife, said I, what ails you at me! If you will not let me stay, you'll not hinder me to go where I please. Ay, ay, said she, gae where you like; then I got in beyond the fire, beside the goodman. Now, said I, goodwife, I like to be here. A d---l be here, and ye be here the night, said she. Ho, ho, said I, but I'm here first, and first comed, first served, goodwife; but if the ill thief be a friend of yours, you'll hae room for him too. Ye thief-like widdifu', said she, are ye evening me to be sib to the foul thief; 'tis weel kend I am com'd o' gude ​honest folks; it may be so, goodwife, said I, but ye look rather the other way, when ye would lodge the d---l in your house, and ca' out a poor chapman to die, such a stormy night as this. What do ye say, says she, there wasna a bonnier night since winter came in than this. O goodwife, what are ye saying, do ye no mind when you and I was at the east end of the house, such a noise of wind and water was then: a wae worth the filthy body, said she, is not that in every part? What, said the goodman, I wat weel there was nae rain when I came in. The wife then shoots me out, and bolted the door behind me. Well, said I, but I shall be through between thy mouth and thy nose ere the morrow. It being now so dark, and I a stranger, could see no place to go to, went into the corn yard, but finding no loose straw, I fell a drawing one of their stacks, sheaf by sheaf, until I pulled out a threave or two, and got into the hole myself, where I lay as warm as a pie. The goodman, on the morning, perceiving the heap of corn sheaves come running to carry it away, and stop up the hole in the stack wherein I lay with some of the sheaves; so with the steighling of the straw, and him talking to others, cursing the thieves who had done it, swearing they had stole six sheaves of it; I then skipped out of the hole, ho, ho, said I, goodman, you're not to bury me alive in your stack; he then began to chide me, vowing to keep my pack for the damage I had done: whereupon I took his servants witnesses he had robbed me; when hearing me urge him so, he gave me my pack again, and off I came to the next house, and told the whole of the story.
My next exploit was near Carluke, between Hamilton and Lanark; where, on a cold stormy ​night, I came to a little town with four or five houses in it; I went twice through it, but none of them would give me the credit to stand all night among their horses, or yet to lie in their cow's oxter: at last I prevailed with a wife, if her husband was willing to let me stay, she would, and sent me to the barn to ask him; and meeting him at the barn door carrying in strae for his horses, I told him his wife had granted to let me stay if he was not against it, to which he answered, 'if I should lie in his midden dub, I should get no quarters from him that night; a wheen lazy idle villains, turns a' to be chapmen, comes through the kintry fashing fouks, ay seeking quarters; the next day ye'll be gaun wi' a powder'd perriwig, and a watch at your arse, and winna let fouk stand afore your chap-doors, ye'll be sae saucy.' I hearing thus my sentence from the goodman, expected no relief but to lie without; yet I perceived when he came out of the barn, he only drew the door behind him. So when he was gone I slips into the barn, and by the help of one of the kipples, climbs up the mou, and then dives down among the sheaves, and happed myself all over, so that I lay as warm as the goodman himself. But in the morning, long before day, two fellows came into the barn and fell a thrashing, so that by their disturbance I eould sleep no more; at last I got up with my hair all hanging over my face, and when he that stood on the opposite side perceived me, I made my eyes to roll, and wryed my face in a frightful manner, so that the poor fellow supposing he had seen the d---l, or something as ill, gave a roar as if he had been sticked, and out at the door he runs; the other following after him, crying, Wa, Johnny, man, what did you see? O! ​Sandy, Sandy, the d---l's on the top o' the mou', sheavling his mouth at me; I'll ne be sae weel this month man, my heart's out o'its hool, wow but yon be a fearful like face indeed, it would fright any living creature out o' their senses.
I hearing the fear they were in, cried to them not to be frightened, for I was not the d—l, but a poor chapman who could not get quarters last night; a foul fa' thy carcase, Sir, for our Jock is through the middin dib, dirt and a' thegither; he who went last eame again, the other ran into the house and told what he had seen. The goodman and his wife came running, he with a grape in his hand, and she with the Bible, the one erying out Sandy, is't true that the d—l was in the barn: na, na, said he, it's but a chapman, but poor Jock has gotten a fright wi' him. They laughed heartily at the sport, took me into breakfast, and by this time poor Johnny was gone to bed very sick.
After this I travelled up by the water of Clyde, near the foot of Tintock hill, where I met with a sweet eompanion, who was an older traveller than I, and he gave me more information how to blow the goodwife, and sleek the goodman; with him I kept company for two months; and as we travelled down Tweed towards the border, we being both hungry, and could get nothing to buy for the belly, we eame unto a wife who had been kirning, but she would give us nothing, nor sell so much as one halfpenny worth of her sour milk: Na, na, said she, I'll neither sell butter, bread, nor milk, 'tis a' little enough to sair my ain family; ye that's chapmen may drink water, ye dinna work sair. Ay, but goodwife, said I, I hae been at Templebar, where I was sworn ne'er to drink water if I could get better. What do ye say, said she, about ​Temple-bar! a town just about twa three miles and a bittock frae this; a thief ane was to swear you there, an' it wasna auld Willy Miller the cobbler, the ill thief, a nither minister nor magistrate ever was in it a'. O but, says the other lad, the Temple-bar he means by is at London. Yea, yea, lad, an' ye be com'd frae Lunun ye're little worth. London, said he, is but at home to the place he comes from. A dear man, quoth she, and whare in a' the warl' comes he frae? all the way from Italy, where the Pope of Rome dwells, says he. A sweet be wi' us, quoth she, for the fouks there awa' is a' witches and warlocks, deils, brownies and fairies. Weel I wat, that is true, said I, and that thou shalt know, thou hard hearted wretch, who would have people to starve, or provoke them to steal. With that I rose, lifts twa or three long straws, and casting knots on them, into the byre I went, and throws a knotted straw on every cow's stake, saying, thy days shall not be long. The wife followed wringing her hands, earnestly praying for herself and all that was hers. I then came out at the door, and lifted a stone, and threw it over the house, muttering some words, which I knew not myself, and concluded with these words, 'Thou monster Diable, brother to Beelzebub god of Ekron, take this wife's kirn, butter and milk, sap and substance, without and within, so that she may die in misery, as she would have others to live.
The wife hearing the aforesaid sentence, clapt her hands, and called out another old woman as foolish as herself, who came crying after us to come back; back we went, where she made us eat heartily of butter and cheese; and earnestly pleaded with me to go and lift my cantrips, which ​I did, upon her promising never to deny a hungry traveller meat nor drink, whether they had money to pay for't or not; and never to serve the poor with the old proverb, "Go home to your own parish," but give them less or more as you see them in need. This she faithfully promised to do while she lived, and with milk we drank to the eow's good health and her own, not forgetting her husband's and the bull's, as the one was goodman of the house, and the other of the byre; and away we eame in all haste, lest some of a more understanding nature should come to hear of it, and follow after us.
In a few days thereafter we came to an alehouse in a muir, far distant from any other, it being a sore day of wind and rain, we eould not travel, but were obliged to stay there; and the house being very throng, we eould get no beds but the servant lass's, which we were to have for a penny worth of pins and needles, and she was to lie with her master and mistress. But as we were going to bed, in eomes three Highland drovers on their way from England; the landlord told them that the beds were all taken up but one, that two ehapmen were to lie in: one of them swore his broad sword should fail him if a chapman lay there that night. They took our bed, and made us sit by the fire all night; I put an a great many peats, and when the drover were fast asleep I put on a big brass pan full of water, and boiled their brogs therein for the spaee of half an hour, then lays them as they were, every pair by themselves; so when they rose, every one began to ehide another, saying, "Hup, pup, ye shewing a brog:" for not one of them would serve a child ten years old, being so boiled in. The landlord persuaded them ​that their feet were swelled with the hard travelling, being so wet the last night, and they would go on well enough if they had travelled a mile or two. Now the Highlandmen laughed at me the night before when they lay down in the bed I was to have; but I laughed as much to see them trot away in the morning with their boiled brogs in their hands.
PART II.
We again came to a plaee near Sutry-hill, where the ale was good, and very eivil usage, and our drouth being very great, the more we drank, the better we loved it. Here we fell in eompany with a Quaek Doetor, who bragged us with bottle about for two days and two nights; only when one fell drunk, he pushed and prieked him up with a big pin to keep him from sleeping; he bought of our hair, and we of his drugs, he having as mueh knowledge of the one as we had of the other; only I was sure I had as much as would set a whole parish to the midden or mug all at onee; but, the profit, though all to eome, went to the landlady to make up the loss of having the lime p—d off the door cheeks.
But at last our money ran short, and the landlady had no ehalk nor faith to eredit us, seeing by our eoats, courage, and eonduct, that we would little mind performance against the day of payment: so that we began to turn sober and wise behind the hand, and every one of us to seek supply from another; and then we eollected all the money we had amongst us on the table, it was but four pence halfpenny, which we lovingly divided among us, being only three bawbees a-pieee; and ​as drouthy Tom's stock and mine was eonjunct we gave the Quack again his sh---ng stuff and his stinking mugs, and he gave us our goods and pickles of hair which we equally divided betwixt us, the whole of it only came to eighteen shillings and sixpence prime cost, and so we parted, I went for East Lothian, and Tom for the West; but my sorting of goods being unsuitable for the country, I got little or no money next day; and it being Saturday, I prevailed to get staying in a great farmer's house, about two miles from Haddington; they were all at supper when I came in; I was ordered to go round the servants and collect a soup out of every cog, which was sufficient to have served three men; the goodwife ordered me to be laid in the barn all night, but the bully-faced goodman swore he had too much stuff in it to venture me there; the goodwife said, I should not lie in the house, for I would be o'er near the lasses bed; then the lads swore I would not go with them, for I was a forjesket like fellow, and wha kens whether I was honest or not, he may fill his wallet wi' our claes and gang his wa' or day light. At last I was conducted out to the swine's stye, to sleep with an old sow and seven pigs, and there I lay for two nights. Now I began to reflect on the sour fruits of drinking, and own all the misery just that was come upon me. In the night the young pigs came grunting about me very kindly, thinking I was some friend of their mother's come to visit them; they gave me but little rest, always coming kissing me with their cold noses, which caused me to beat them off with my staff which made them to make a terrible noise, so that the old mother came up to argue the matter, running up on me with open mouth, but I gave her such a ​rout over her long snout, as caused her to roar out murder in her own language, and alarmed the servants, who came to see what was the matter. I told them their old sow was going to swallow me up alive, bid them to go and bring her meat, which they did, and the brute became peaceable.
On the sabbath morning I came into the house, the goodman asked me if I could shave any; yes, said I, but never did on the Sabbath day; I fancy, said he, you are some Westland Whig? Sir, said I, you may suppose me to be what you think proper to-day, but yesternight you used me like a Tory, when you sent me into the stye to lie in your sow's oxter, who is a fitter companion for a devil than any human creature; the next abominable brute upon the earth, said I, who was forbidden to be eaten under the law, and cursed under the gospel. Be they cursed, or be they blessed, said he, I wish I had anew of them; but an' ye will not take off my beard, ye's get nae meat here the day; then said I, if ye will not give me meat and drink for money, until the Sabbath be past, I'll take on my wallet, and go along with you to the kirk, and tell your minister how you used me as a hog; no, said the goodwife, you will not want your crowdie, man. But my heart being full of sorrow and revenge a few of them suffieed me, whereon I passed over that long day, and at night went to sleep with my old companions, which was not sound, being afraid of mistress sow coming to revenge the quarrel we had the night before.
On the morning I went into the house, the goodman ordered me the pottage pot to lick, for, says be, it is an old property of chapmen. Well, I had no sooner begun to it, then out came a great big mastiff dog from below the bed, and grips me by ​the breast then turns me over upon my back, and takes the pot himself. Ay, ay said the goodman, I think your brother pot-licker and you cannot agree about your breakfast. Well, said I, goodman, you said that pot-licking was a chapman's property, but your dog proves the contrary. So away I comes, and meeting the goodwife at the door, bid her farewell for ever; but what, said I, is your husband’s name? to which she answered, John Swine; I was thinking so, said I, he has such dirty fashions; but whether was yon his mother or his sister I lay with these two nights?
All that day I travelled the country west from Haddington, but could get no meat; when asked if they had any to sell, they told me they never did sell any bread, and I found by sad experience, they had none to give for nothing. I eame into a little country village, and went through it all, house after house, and could get neither bread nor ale to buy. At last I came into a poor weaver's house, and asked him if he would lend me a hammer; Yes, said he, what are you going to do with it? Indeed, said I, I am going to knock out all my teeth with it for I can get no bread to buy in all the country, for all the stores and stacks you have in it: What, said he, was you in the minister's? I know not, said I, does he keep an alehouse? O no, said he, he preaches every Sunday; and what does he preach? said I, is it to harden your hearts? haud well together? have no charity? hate strangers? hunger the poor? eat and drink all yourselves? better burst your bellies than give it to beggars, or let good meat spoil? If your minister be as naughty as his people, I'm positive he'll drive a louse to London for the hide and tallow. Here I bought the weaver’s dinner for twopence, and ​then set out again, keeping my course westward. It being now night, I eame to a farmer's house south from Dalkeith; the goodman being very civil, and desirous of news, I related the whole passages of the two days and nights by-past, whereat he was greatly diverted, and said, I was the first he heard of, that ever that man gave quarters to before, though he was an elder in the parish. So the goodman and I fell so thiek, that he ordered me to be laid on a shake down bed by the fire, where I lay more snug than among the swine. Now there were three women lying in a bed in the same apartment, and they not minding that I was there, first one of them rose and let her water go below the ehimney-grate, where I had a perfect view of her bonny thing, as the coal burnt so elearly all the night; and then another rose and did the same; last of all got up the old matron, as she appeared to be, like a second handed goodwife, or a whirled o'er maiden, six times overturned, and as she let her dam go, she also with full force, when done, let go a f-t like the blast of a trumpet, whieh made the ashes on the hearth stone to fly up like dust about her buttocks, whereat I was forced to laugh out, whieh made her to run for it, but to smother the laughter I stapt the blankets in my mouth; she went to bed and wakened the other two, saying, O dole! what will I tell you? yon chapman body has seen a' our a—ses the night! shame fa' him, said they, for we had nae mind he was there; I wat weel says one of them, I'se no rise till he be awa', but said the old woman, gin he has seen mine, I canna help it, it's just like other fouk's, an' fin't a hair I care. On the morning the old matron got up first, and ordered up the house, then told me to ​rise now, for chapmen and every body was up; then she asked me if I had a custom of laughing in my sleep? Yes, said I, when I see any daft like thing, I can look and laugh at it as well sleeping as waking. A good preserve us, said she, ye'r an unco body, but ye needna wait on your porrage time, I'se gie you cheese and bread in your pouch, which I willingly accepted, and away I came.
Then I kept my course west by the foot of Pentland hills, where I got plenty of hair, good and cheap, besides a great plenty of old brass, which was an excellent article to make my little pack seem big and weighty. Then I came into a little country village, and going in by the side of a house, there was a great big cat sitting in a weaver's window, beiking herself in the sun, and washing her face with her feet; I takes her a civil knap on the nose, which makes her turn baek in through the window, and the weaver having a plate full of hot pottage in the innerside to cool, poor baudrins ran through the middle of them, burnt her feet, and threw them on the ground, ran through the house crying fire and murder in her own language, which caused the weary wicked wabster to come to the door, where he attacked me in a furious rage, and I, to avoid the first shock, fled to the top of the midden, where, endeavouring to give me a kick, I catched him by the foot, and tumbled him back into the midden-dub, where both his head and shoulders went under dirt and water; but before I could recover my clwand or arms, the wicked wife and her twa sons was upon me in all quarters, the wife hung in my hair, while the twa sons boxed me both behind and before, and being thus overpowered by numbers, I was fairly beat by this wicked webster, his troops being so numerous.
​On the Saturday night thereafter, I was like to be badly off for quarters, I travelled until many people were going to bed; but at last I came to a farmer's house, asked what they would buy, naming twenty fine things which I never had, and then asked for quarters, which they very freely granted, thinking I was some genteel packman, with a rich pack, and being weary with travel could take out little supper; being permitted to lie in the spence beside the goodman's bed, the goodwife being very hard of hearing, she thought that every body was so, for when she went to bed, she cries out "A how hearie, goodman, is na yon a braw moderate chapman we hae here the night, he took just seven soups o' our sowens, and that fill'd him fu'; a' dear Andrew man, turn ye about an' tak my cauld a—se in your warm lunchoch." On the morrow I went to the kirk with the goodman, and I missed him about the door, went into the middle of the kirk, but could sce no empty seats but one big form, where none sat but one woman by herself, and so I set myself down beside her, not knowing where I was, until sermon was over, when the minister began to rebuke her for using her Merry-bit, against law or license; and then she began to whinge and yowl like a dog, which made me run out cursing, before the minister had given the blessing.
PART III
I TRAVELLED then west by Falkirk, by the foot of the great hills; and one night after I had got lodging in a farmer's house, there happened a contest between the goodman and his mother, he being a young man unmarried, as I ​understood, and formerly their sowens had been too thin; so the goodman, being a sworn birlyman of that barony, came to survey the sowens before they went on the fire, and actually swore they were o'er thin; and she swore by her conscience, they would be thick enough, if ill hands and ill een baed awa frae them: A sweet be here, mither, said he, do you think that I'm a witch? Witch here, or witch there, said the wife swearing by her saul, and that was nae banning, she said, they’ll be gude substantial meat, a what say ye chapman? Indeed, goodwife, said I, sowens are but saft meat at the best, but, if you make them thick enough, and put a good lump ef butter in them, they'll do very well for a supper; I trow sae lad, said she, ye hae some sense: so the old woman put on the pot with her sowens, and went to milk her cows, leaving me to steer; the goodman, her son, as soon as she went out, took a great cog full of water and put it into the pot amongst the sowens, and then went out of the house and left me alone: I considering what sort of a pish-the-bed supper I was to get if I staid there, thought it fit to set out, but takes up a a pitcher of water, and fills up the pot until it was running over, and then takes up my pack, and comes about a mile farther that night, leaving the honest woman and her son, to sup their watery witched sowens at their own leisure.
I then returned towards the east through a place called Slamannan, and was lodged one night near a place called Todd's Bughts, where there was a boul-horned goodwife, but a very civil goodman; when I went in, she took up a dish from the dog, wherein was a few he had left, and with a collection more from other cogs, she ​offered them to me, which I refused; 'm, said she, ye're a lordly sort of a chapman indeed; so I began to divert the goodman, by telling him a deal of fine stories to make him laugh, but could not get near the fire; at last, I said, O goodwife, I'll tell you news. Ay, chapman, what's that? said she. Indeed, my feet's very cauld, said I. They all laughed but the goodwife, she gloomed till the rest were done, then took a laugh at it herself. So the goodman ordered all the Johnnies Jamies, and Jennies, with their wheels, to sit about; then I was set beyond the fire and preferred to steer their sowens, but when they were ready and put in the dishes, the goodwife ordered one of the lads to take a pair of old blankets, and two sacks, and shew me where I was to lie in the barn. Ho ho, thinks I, there's no supper for me, but I'll remember to pay her stock and annual. I went to the barn and lay till next morning about chapman's rising time, when the pottage was ready, then gives the wife a fine cotton lace, and a few pins, which pleased her so well that she went through the cogs and collected about a mutchkin of pottage for me, for which I thanked her: 'A wat weel lad,' said she, 'an ye be coming by ony time ye'se be welcome to a night o' our barn, for ye hae steal'd naething;' thanks to you goodwife, said I, that's very fair: 'indeed lad, 'tis no every ane we'll trust wi' our new barn, farfore sud we?' O goodwife, it wad be a great thief that wad rin awa wi' a barn on his back, I wonder ye let it stand out a' night; 'Hute awa, ye daft body, how can we get it in, ke awa chapman, ye're joking me now.' I then took a turn round the eountry for a few weeks, and then came back to be avenged on the ​naughty wife and her sowens: it being very dark ere I eame in, the goodwife did not know me, but made her speech as follows; 'Indeed,' says she, 'ye'se no be here, for there is so many thieves and robbers gaun athort the kintry, and oor goodman’s no at hame; art thou honest enough?' I can want nothing of my honesty, goodwife; but did you ever see any people gaun through the eountry, telling they were thieves? 'Na, a wat weel no,' said she. Then said I, I'm sure I did not take away your barn on my baek the last time I was here. 'Yea, lad,' said she, 'are you the ehapman that eraeked sae weel to our goodman? Come in by, ye'se get a night o' the barn yet,' thanks to you goodwife, an' we sud get nae mair. I then, being preferred to my old seat, got the sowens to steer, until they were near ready, when the goodwife ordered the lad to take the old blankets and show me to my bed in the barn; I then gave the sowens the last turn, and having about the bigness of a nut of C———l S--p, dropt it into the pot, then went off to bed in the barn as fast as I eould, and made fast both the doors within, lest the bewitehed sowens, out of the pot, should attack me in my sleep. Next morning when I eame in, the goodwife began to pray for herself, and all that she had, saying, 'It's Wednesday through a' the warld, and good be between me and you, chapman, for you are either a witch or a warlock, or something that's no eanny, for ye witcht our sowens last night, for they gaed mad, raged out of the pot, belling and bizzing like barm, I thought they would run out to the barn to you; see how they filled up my milk tub, and a' the dishes in the house is ​fu' o' them.' Dear goodwife, said I, they were very good when I left them, though I didna prie them, and I wished them as much good of them as I got, but certainly they’re not witched, but a blessing in them when they are so multiplied. 'Gae awa,' cried she in a passion, 'ye'se no canny, ye'se ne'e be here again.' I need not value that, said I, for I have nothing to thank you for, but for my dinner supper and breakfast, and for a night of your barn, I'll pay it when I come back; 'Ay, ay,' said she, 'ye needna thank me for what ye didna get;' that's no my fault goodwife, said I, prosperity to you and your witcht sowens.
The next little town I came to, and the very first house that I entered, the wife cried out, 'Plague on your snout, sir, ye filthy blaekguard chapman-like b———h it ye are, the last time ye came here ye gart our Sandy burn the gude bane kame it I gid a saxpence for in Falkirk, ay did ye, ay, sae did ye een, and said ye wad gie him a muckle elear button to do it:' Me, said I, I never had ado with you a' the days of my life, and do not say that Sandy is mine. A wae worth the body, am I saying ye had ado wi' me, I wadna hae ado wi' the like o' you, nor I am sure wi' them I never saw. But, what about the button and the bane kaim, goodwife? Sannoek is na this the man? Ay is't, cried the boy, gie me my button, for I burnt the kame, and she paid me for't; Gae awa, sir, said I, your mother and you arc but mocking me; it was either you or ane like you, or some other body. O goodwife, I mind who it is now, 'tis just ane like me, when ye sec the tane ye see the tither, they ca' him Jock Jimoither. A wae worth him, quoth thc wife, if I dinna thrapple him for my good bane ​kame. Now, said I, goodwife, be good, bridle your passion, and buy a bane kame and coloured napkin, I'll gie you a whaukin' penny-worth, will gar you sing in your bed, if I should sell you the tae half and gift you the tither, and gar you pay for every ineh o't sweetly or a' be done. Heeh, man, said she, ye're a hearty fallow, and I hae need o' a' these things, but a bane kame I maun hae; for our Sannock's head is a' hotehen, and our John's is little better, for an' let them alane but ae eight days, they grow as grit as grossets. And here I sold a bane kame and a napkin, for she believed such a douse lad as I had no hand in make the boy burn the bone comb.
The next house I came into, there was a very little tailor sitting on a table, like a t—d on a trencher, with his legs plet over other, made me imagine he was a sucking three-footed tailor; first I sold him a thimble, and then he wanted needles which I showed him, one paper after another; he looked their eves and trying their nibs in his sleeve, dropt the ones he thought proper on the ground between his feet, where he sat in a dark corner near the fire, thinking I did not perceive him. O said he them needles of yours are not good, man, I'll not buy any of them, I do not think you need, said I, taking them out of his hand, and lights a eandle that was standing near by; come, said I, sit about, you thieving dog, till I gather up my needles, then gathers up ten of them. Come, said he, I'll buy twal penny worth of them frae ye, I hae troubled you sae muckle; no, said I, you lousied dog, I'll sell you none, if there's any on the ground, seek them up and stap them in a beast's a—se; but if ye were a man, I would burn you in the fire, though it be ​in your own house; but as you are a poor tailor, and neither man nor boy, I'll do nothing but expose you for what you are. O dear honest chapman, cried his wife, ye mauna do that, and I'se gie you cheese and bread. No, no, you thieves, I'm for nothing but vengeance; no bribes for sueh. So as I was lifting up my pack, there was a pretty blaek cat which I spread my napkin over, took the four corners in my hand, carrying her as a bundle, until I came about the middle of the town, then provoking the slogs to an engagement with me, so that there came upon me four or five collies, then I threw the poor tailor's cat in the midst of them, and a terrible battle ensued for some time, and badrons had certainly died in the field, had I not interposed, and got her off mortally wounded. The people who saw the battle alarmed the tailor, and he sallied out like a great champion, with his elwand in his hand. Go back, said I, you lousie dog, or I'll tell about the needles; at which word he turned about. I went into an alehouse to get some breakfast; there they asked me where I was all night, as it was usual in that eountry for chapmen to get meat where they lodged. I told where I was, but would take none of their meat, because, said I, they seem to me not to be canny, for this morning they were making ropes of cauld sowens, to crown up their stacks wi'. Gae awa', cried the wife, I canna believe it. If you will not believe it, die in your ignorance for me. The wife sent away her son to see if it was so, but or he came back, I set out, and travelled down the side of a water called Avon; and as I was coming past a mill dam, there was a big elownish fellow lifting a pitcher of water cut of the dam, so he dipt it ​full and et it down on the ground, staring at me he rumbled in himself out of sight o'er head and cars, and as soon as he got out, I said, Yo ho, friend, did you get the fish? What an a fish, ye b—h? O, said I, I thought you had seen a fish, when you jumped in to make it jump out; What a d———l sir, are you mocking me? runs round his pitcher, and gives me a kick on the a—e, so that I fell designedly on his pitcher, and it tumbled down the bank and went in pieces; his master and another man looking and laughing at us, the poor fellow complained of me to him, but got no satisfaction.
The same evening, as I was going towards the town of Linlithgow, I met an old crabbed fellow riding upon an old glaid mare, whieh he always was thrashing upon with his stick. Goode'en to you, goodman, said I, are you going to the bull wi' your mare? What do you say, sir, they gang to the bull wi' a cow, ye brute. O yes, goodman, ye are right, said I, but what do they ca' the he-beast that rides on the mare's back? They ca'd a cusser, sir; a well then, goode'en to you, master cusser. He rides a little bit, then turns baek in a rage, saying, I say, sir, your last words are waur than your first: he comes then to ride me down, but I struck his beast on the face, and in a short turn about, it fell, yet, or I could get my pack to the ground, he cut me on the head at the first stroke; I then getting clear of the pack, played it away for some time, till by blows on the face, I made him bleed at both mouth and nose; then he cried out. Chapman, we are baith daft, for we'll kill oursells and mak naething o't, we had better agree; with all my heart, said I, and what will ye buy? nothing but ​a pair of beard shears, said he, and give me them eheap, so I sold him a pair of B. shears, for three halfpence, and gave him a needle, then parted good friends after the battle was over.
So I went to Linlithgow that night, where I met with Drouthy Tom, my sweet and dear companion, and here we held a most terrible eneounter with the tippenny for twa nights and a day: and then we set out for Fife, on the hair order, by the way of Torryburn and Culross; and eoming up to a parcel of women washing by a water-side, I buys one of their hair; the time I was cutting it off, Tom fell a eourting and kissing and clapping one of them, who was of the haveral sort: what happened I know not, but she eried, Ye misleard filthy fallow, ye put your hand atween my feet, mair need another thing sud be there; an ill chance on your pieture, cried an auld wife, for many a ane has taen me bjr there in daffin, and I never said a word about it; ye daft jade, eanna ye haud your tongue whan it's your ain shame that ye speak. Gae awa, cried the lass, he, filthy body, that he is, the last chapman that kissed me had a horse paek, but he'll hae naething in his but a wisp of strae, some auld breeks, hair-skins, maukinskins, ony thing that fills the bag and bears bouk, and yet he wad kiss and handle me, I was made for a better fallow; ane o' them eame bye ae day and selled our Meg twa ell and a quarter o' linen, to be her bridal sark; for he had nae mair, and when she made it, and put it on, it wadna hide her———heeh, hech, hech, he.
FINIS.
This work was published before January 1, 1929, and is in the public domain worldwide because the author died at least 100 years ago.
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