# Surprizing adventures, of Jack Oakum, & Tom Splicewell

THE
Surprizing Adventures
OF
Jack Oakum, & Tom Splicewell,
TO WHICH IS ADDED,
The Merry Revenge;
OR,
JOES STOMACH in TUNE.
PRINTED IN THE YEAR 1798.
THE
Surprizing Adventures,
OF
Jack Oakum, & Tom Splicewell.
Kings, who are Fathers, live but in their People,
DRYD. DON. SEB.
AT the conclusion of the war, Jack Oakum and Tom Splicewell, two sailors, who had been some time on shore, and had spent the produce of their last voyage; after a small time their Wapping Landlady, who was called Mother Double-Chalk, began not only to look coolly upon them, but also according to custom, when their money was gone, to behave roughly towards them; and they not being entered again into any service, began to ⟨scheme⟩ how they should raise a little money for their present use; and, after several proposals made between them, that still met some objections, one of them at length said (illegible text) messmate, what think you of a trip or two, for a venture, ⟨o'privateering⟩ about these coasts a little? in my mind we ​might pick up a prize or two; without firing a shot. Aye, replied the other, but suppose we should be taken, will not a court martial hang us for pirates? Zoons! said the other, we must take what care we can not to be taken; and be sure not to cruize out of this latitude, lest we should be known by our rigging. And if we should chance to be chased, why we must croud all the sail we can, and be sure never to strike as long as we can swim above water.
To be brief after some little debate they resolved upon a venture, and out they set with no other weapons of offence, or defence, than a couple of broomsticks. And when they were got into the fields, a little way from town, one of them seeing a gentleman coming towards them, says he to the other,—'Damme Jack! this is a prize worth boarding: shall we bring him ⟨in⟩? he seems well ⟨rigged⟩ and loaded'——So he does, replied the other; and with that they both made ready for the ⟨attack⟩. And when the ⟨gentleman⟩ came ⟨up to⟩ them, they both (illegible text) their weapons, and he, ⟨saluted⟩ him as follows:——— ​'Damn my blood, my boy, but we must have some money from you! or else, by G—d, you shall have a broadside!' The gentleman, finding by their arms, manner, and language, that they were but young in their business, answered them thus:—'Well gentlemen, as you seem to be sailors, and good hearty cocks, do not use me ill, and you shall be welcome to what money I have about me, with all my heart, was it ten times as much' With that he presents them with about three shillings and sixpence—'Here, gentlemen, says he, is all the money I have at present, and I wish it was more for your sakes.'—The sailors, seeing the gentleman so good natured, seemed quite satisfied; took the money; told him it was enough, and wished him a good voyage. But they had not gone far with their booty, before they were pursued; for the gentleman telling the adventure just after, to some people that he met the posse was raised; and in less than half an hour, one of them was taken, the other, by some means or other made his escape. The next ​sessions at the Old Bailey, my young Commodore was convicted of felony, and sentenced to be hang'd; though the simplicity of the proceeding, made many people sorry for him. After this misfortune his fellow adventurer was in great perplexity, though he had escaped himself; for no body had yet enquired or sought after him about it. But Jack resolved to spare no pains, if possible, to save his poor messmate's life. And being one day at their rendezvous, talking about it, with another of his old shipmates, after several methods had been proposed between them, and all fell to the ground, Jack boldly cries—'Sblood, Tom! I have a good mind I'd write a letter for him to the King myself, I am told that no body else can pardon him; and I fancy that would be the most likely way to do the business; only I cannot tell who to get to carry it, and deliver it to him.'——'Zoons!' cries the other, 'I like your scheme, Jack! and if you can write it, I will go along with you, and we will carry it to him ourselves,' (and then we will be sure that he will have it) ​for I never saw the King in my life.' — Nor I neither,' replies the other, 'and by G—d Tom! if you will go with me to him, I will write a letter immediately, and by the mess, I will not turn my back to any man in England, either for writing or spelling.'——Here, the other answering with an oath, that he would be as good as his word, and go with him. Jack called immediately for pen, ink, and paper, but as he was going to begin his polite epistle, a great blotch of ink dropped from his pen upon the top of his paper. Jack never called for any more, but wiping it with his finger along the sheet, he began and wrote as follow:
An please your Kingship,
THIS is to let you know, that my messmate Tom Splicewell is condemn'd to be hang'd; for you must know, he was foolish enuff to set out a privateering, without applying to the admiralty for leave; and the first prize he took, gave some intelligence of his course, so that he was chased by a whole squadron, and soon after taken and carried into port. ​However, he's a very honest fellow, I assure you, and by G—d as good a seaman as e'er slept between stem and starn. He shall Not and Splice, Reef, and Handle a Sail, Steer, and Rig a Ship, with e'er a man in the navee, and thats a bould word: and if youle be so kind as to order his discharge, I dare sware he'll never be gilty of such another cryme, as long as he lives, which will also very much oblige,
your humble servant,
JACK OAKUM.
From the Ship Alehouse,
in Wapping. Witness,
THOMAS FLIPLOVE, Shipmate.
When Jack had finished the above letter, and the other set his hand to it as a proof of his approbation, and the truth of its contents, they sealed it up and directed it as follows
This for the King, with speed.
As soon as this was done, without further delay, out they set, to deliver their letter, as directed: and all the way they went, they enquired where the King lived. At last when they came into the Strand, near Charing​Cross, a gentleman who was just come out of St. James's, hearing them enquire so earnestly for the King, stept up to them, and demanded thus:—'Hark ye, my lads, what do you want with the King? pray, have you any express for his Majesty? An express! no! (answers one of them) we have no express, nor do not know what you mean; but we have got a letter for him and want to deliver it to him if we can:—What! (replies the gentleman) to the King himself, King himself, aye, to the King himself, (cries the sailor) suppose it was to the Lord High Admiral, what of that?—Why my lad, replied the gentleman, If it be a thing of consequence, you may easily see the King, for he is walking in the Mall.—I saw him there within these ten minutes myself.—What Sir, demands Jack, is he walking there alone?——No, replies the gentleman, there are a great many of the nobility and gentry along with him.—How may a body know then, cries Jack, which is he?——why, says the gentleman again, the king is very well ​looking man, and you may know him by a star on his left breast and a blue ribbon hanging from his neck.'
By this time a number of people were gathered about the sailors; and hearing what had passed betwixt them and the gentleman, (as above,) after the sailors had thanked him, they proceeded, and the mob resolved to bear them company in their embassy. So that by the time they had got to the park, their attendants was increased to several hundreds. But just as they came to the end of the Mall, they happened to meet a Nobleman, who in some measure answered the description which the gentleman had given of the King, being a Knight of the Garter, with his star and ribbon——Jack no sooner saw him, but he roared out to his companion.—— 'By G—d Tom, here is the King! Now for it!——So after feeling for the letter, he stepped up to the nobleman, and saluted him thus:——'Your humble servant, Sir; pray, are you the King?—No friend, (replied his lordship) I am not indeed. Pray, why do you ask me that question?——Nay, sir, ( ​returned the Sailor), I beg your pardon! hope no offence! But I was told just now, by a gentleman, that he is rigged much in the same trim as you are; so that I did not know but you might be him.—Have you any dispatches for his majesty, demands the nobleman, that you are in such quest of him.—Spatches! yes, sir, quoth Jack, I have; I have a letter for him, and must deliver it into his own hand, if I can find him.'——The nobleman imagining that there might be something more than common in this reincounter, told them, that if they pleased he would go back with them, and not only show them the King, but would also introduce them to him. Upon which the sailors thanked him for his good-will, and away they went together. When they came to about the middle of the Mall, they met his Majesty; and the nobleman going up to him, in a low voice, acquainted him with what had passed between him and the sailors; and pointing to them, desired his Majesty would please to permit them to deliver their letter to him.—By all means, my ​lord, replied the King.—With that he beckoned the sailors to approach,—'Here, my lads, says his lordship, this is his majesty, if you have any letter for him, you may deliver it.'—Here Jack advanced, with his hand to his hat, but without pulling it off, and having come pretty near the King, said to him.—'Pray, Sir, are you the King?—Yes, Sir, answered his Majesty smiling, I believe so—Then sir, says Jack, there's a letter for you and please you'——The King looking hard at the fellow, could not help smiling at his blunt ⟨uncourtly⟩ address; but he took the letter, and looking upon the ⟨superscription, fell a⟩ laughing, and shewed it all ⟨round⟩ to the nobles that attended him. Jack seeing the King look ⟨so pleasantly,⟩ says to his shipmate,——'⟨By G—d Tom⟩ 'I believe it will do; (illegible text) King (illegible text) in a very good humour'—⟨and when⟩ his Majesty had read the letter, he delivered it to the noblemen who introduced the sailor to him—(illegible text) my lord, says he, read that letter, and learn a new (illegible text). Upon my honour, this fellow has no deceit in ​him; I dare say it is his own hand writing, and his own dictating too. However this I may say to his credit, that his stile and behaviour are both honest towards me; nor he hath neither troubled me with compliments in the one, or ceremonies in the other.'—So, turning to the sailor, he said to him who gave him the letter, 'Well friend, as this is the first offence, (upon the account of your kind letter here) you may let your friend know, that I will pardon him this time; but let him take care that he never transgresses so again.'——An't please you Sir, (quoth Jack) I dare say he never will; and if you will take care that he shall not be hanged this time, I'm sure Tom's a very honest fellow, and will be very thankful to you.—Well, said his Majesty, you may assure yourself that he shall not die for this time, and you may let him know that I shall save his life, for the sake of your letter here.'—'Aye, Sir, said the sailor, but how may a body be sure that you will not forget it?’—‘Why replyed the King, you may take my word for ​it, I will not forget it.'—' 'Cause, if you should, quoth Jack, perhaps they may hang him, and you never be the wiser. But if once we should get him a shipboard with us, by the blood! but you must then ask the Captain first, or a thousand of you could not hang him.'—'Why then, replied the King, if you will take care and get him a shipboard as soon as he is at liberty, I will take care he shall be discharged in a very few days.'—'Sir replied the sailor, I return your Kingship a great many thanks; and I am sure poor Tom will be ready to hang himself for joy that he is to go on board again; and by the mess! there is no good to be got staying so long on shore.'—So, he made the King a low bow, hitches up his trowsers, tacked himself about, and steered off in triumph, that his polite letter had saved his messmate's life. And the story says, that the King and his attendants, were no less pleased at the poor sailors embassy, than they were with the success of it.
THE END
THE
MERRY REVENGE
OR
JOE’S STOMACH IN TUNE.
Crude imposition's like a bow that's bent, To twang an arrow with an ill intent; Which being shot, the impenetrable mark, Redounds it back and wounds the marksman's heart.
ANONYM.
THere are a sort of trades-people in the world, so selfish, and so ignorant, that they vainly imagine a shilling extorted, or imposed, and extraordinarily put into the pocket, is all clear gains and good management; not considering that the smallest imposition may be liable to ruin their reputation for the future; and that a man may easier gain an ill repute than recover a good one. He that would make a fortune by public business, had much better under (illegible text) for as much as the one (illegible text) to the (illegible text), the other (illegible text) away. No (illegible text) will patiently (illegible text) an abuse alike. However it behoves every ​person, whose livelihood depends on the public, to be very tender how they offend them ——The following story is a true instance of a merry revenge upon one of there penurians, and the affair happened as follows
Two merchants agreed, one Sunday in the spring, to take a ride ten or twelve miles out of town, and to dine at some ordinary in the country. Accordingly they pitched upon some village in Essex, where there was a twelve-penny ordinary every Sunday, but it happened, that after they were come to the house, and had acquainted the landlord that they intended to dine with him, that one of them was taken ill of a sudden, so that when dinner was brought upon the table, the gentleman could not bear the ⟨smell of⟩ it; but soon after growing something better he ordered some wine to be made hot for him, with an egg beat up in it, and which soon recovered him (illegible text). An hour or two after this, the gentleman being again pretty well, ⟨they⟩ (illegible text) and drank a bowl of hot punch ⟨together⟩ and at last called for the (illegible text): the landlord, out of his (illegible text) ​munificence, had charged the gentleman that was ill, the same of his ordinary, (although he never tasted of it) as he did all the rest, viz. a shilling for eating: what, says the gentleman, do you charge me a shilling for eating; I suppose you mean for not eating; you know very well I never sat down to your ordinary nor came near the table. I cannot help that, sir, replies the landlord, you said you came to dine with me, and had a knife and fork laid ready for you, and there was victuals enough, so that if you did not chuse to eat, that was no fault of mine; you were in the same company, and I should have been as well pleased if you had eaten a hearty dinner as none at all; it makes no ⟨difference⟩ to me; and I must not break through an established custom.—Very well (replies the gentleman) if it be an established custom, I do not desire you ⟨so⟩ much as to crack upon my ⟨account⟩——So they paid their reckoning, ⟨and⟩ away they went, but not very ⟨well⟩ pleased, as we may suppose, with the ⟨landlord's⟩ ⟨imposition⟩, but when ⟨they⟩ were upon the road home again, say(illegible text) ​one of them, I have a thought come into my head, that if it be put in execution I fancy we may pay him in his own coin, and perhaps it may be a means of amending his manners for the future.—What is it? demands the other.——Why, replies he, what if we bring our Joe, the porter, to dine there next Sunday? Joe has the character of an eight or nine pounder upon occasion, and is a very humorous kind of a fellow into the bargain—Egad, (says the other) you could not have thought of a better scheme; Joe is capable of giving us a feast, though the landlord should make us pay for ⟨fasting⟩; I'll go half in the expences ⟨of⟩ the day with all my heart, and let’s ⟨inform⟩ him of the thing to morrow, ⟨that⟩ he may have time enough to ⟨prepare⟩ himself.—All this being agreed ⟨on⟩ between them, the next day they ⟨acquainted⟩ Joe with their plan for the ⟨next⟩ Sunday’s recreation. Joe was ⟨over-joyed⟩ with the thoughts of the ⟨fine⟩ country ride he was to have, and ⟨vowed⟩ he'd well revenge his master's ⟨quarrel⟩. ⟨Accordingly⟩, when the next ⟨Sunday⟩ came, they all three set out ​together, and took two friends more with them, to partake of the sport.——Well, says one of them as they were going along, I hope Joe, your stomach is in good order.—Egad, master, says Joe, I must have a piece of bread and cheese presently, to keep the wind out of my stomach, or else I shall not be able to eat two pounds by that time dinner is ready.—Ay, ay, (says the gentleman thou shalt have what thou wilt to eat and drink, so that you take care not to spoil your appetite till you come there; but be sure you don’t call any of us master, but call us by our names, just as free as we do you, for to day we are all upon one footing. But, above all, be sure not to rife from the table hungry. Thus they went on diverting themselves with the thoughts of approaching revenge; and Joe, to put his stomach in tune, stopped two or three miles before they came there, and snapped up a pound of bread and cheese, and a tankard of beer, and then he said he was right. When they came there, they acquainted the landlord they were come to dine with ​him, so putting their horses up, they all walked about the garden till dinner was ready, when Joe mounted the stage, without the least regard to either fear or mercy. The first thing that came upon the table was a dish of soup; Joe chose not any of that; he said it was too washy, and had no substance in it, but there being about nine or ten people more, besides the {{reconstruct}five}}, the soup was pretty well ⟨finished⟩, and then comes a buttock of ⟨boiled⟩ beef, with carrots and greens; Joe ⟨fastens⟩ on this, and at the first stroke ⟨he⟩ cuts off a slice all round the whole ⟨piece⟩, full two inches thick, and ⟨because⟩ it was too broad for his plate, ⟨he⟩ divided it in four quarters, and ⟨began⟩ to lay about him with a ⟨vengeance⟩, saying, there was some ⟨meaning⟩ in a good piece of beef, and the ⟨first⟩ piece he put in his mouth, he ⟨swore⟩ it was very good, and he ⟨believed⟩ he should make his dinner on't. ⟨The⟩ company were all amazed when ⟨they⟩ looked upon his plate, and saw ⟨how⟩ he shovelled it into his mouth, ⟨and⟩ began to carve for them (illegible text) as they could, lest they should not ​each of them have a mouthful; but they had scarce helped themselves round before Joe's plate is empty, who began to whet his knife for a second trial; he hawls the dish to him, and round he goes again with another slice, very little inferior to his first, which surprized them all more than he had done before; but one of his companions asking him, if he would not help himself to some greens or carrots, he replied, they are too windy, and only serve to blow up the stomach, there's no substance in them: With that the drawer ran down stairs to his master as hard as he could drive—Egad, sir, says he, there's a man above stairs, that has eat above half the buttock of beef himself already, and there is not above a pound and an half of it left in the dish: he pitches it into his mouth as tho' he was filling an oven. Zounds, quoth the master, send up the breast of veal as fast as you can for your life, and I'll bring down what's left; so away he runs up stairs, to take a view of his new cormorant, but by that time he came up stairs, he had cleared up ​his plate a second time. In two minutes up comes a roasted breast of veal and the landlord going to take off the beef, (for there was not much of it left) Joe catches fast hold of the dish, and swore a great oath that he had not half dined, and in a moment whipped off the remainder of the boiled beef upon his own plate.—Seeing of that, the master runs down again to his wife, with a very dejected countenance, and shewing her the empty dish that the buttock of beef went up on, he swore a great oath there would not be a morsel of victuals left for the family to dine on; so up he went again to be a woful spectator of Joe's wonderful performance; but now Joe, being pretty well cloyed of the beef, began to lie by a little, and called for something to drink. By and-by, one of the company demanded of the landlord, what there was else for dinner? He replied, with a faint voice, gentlemen, I have nothing else but a boiled plumb pudding; I did not expect so much good company to day, continued he with a sigh, (and looking at the same time very hard upon Joe) or ​I would really have provided something more.—No, no, replied Joe, it is very well we can make shift well enough and I am very glad you have got a plumb pudding, with all my heart, for I am fond of all sorts of pudding —What then, says one of the gentlemen, won't you taste the veal, Sir?—I believe not, replies Joe, it is but a hungry sort of food, I had rather stay for the pudding. The rest of the company having had but a very final share of the beef, and now ⟨almost⟩ ended the veal, when the pudding made its appearance; and the landlord going to take of the small remnant that was left, Joe, who had fixed his Argus eyes upon it, stabs ⟨his⟩ fork fast into it, crying out, ⟨hold⟩ landlord, you shall not say but ⟨I'll⟩ taste it however, else perhaps you ⟨may⟩ be affronted, and when I am gone ⟨say⟩ I was nice, and could not eat ⟨roast⟩ veal.—So there was the third dish emptied, and all the company was most amazed, and (illegible text) at Joe, as tho' ⟨he⟩ had been the greatest prodigy in nature.—But here Joe, being a ⟨little⟩ cloyed called for a bumper of red wine ​and having piddled a little while with the bones of his veal, till he had cleaned them, he called for another good bumper of red wine, which he had no sooner tipped off but he called for another, and which made the company, I mean the strangers, begin to think that he intended to drink as much as he had eaten.—Now, says he, gentlemen, few people that are fond of plumb-pudding know how to eat it, or any thing of a proper sauce to it; and as most sorts of puddings are heavy and cloying, but especially plumb-pudding, no sauce can be better to it than red wine, because the fine smartness of the wine helps to palliate the pudding——With that he pours his bumper of red wine into his plate, and cuts full two thirds of what pudding was remaining in the dish. This crowned the whole work, for his companions seeing that, divided the other amongst them, and Joe was now admired as prodigy indeed.
Sometime after dinner was over the landlord came up stairs, and desired to speak a word with one of Joe's friends—Sir, says he, as that ​gentleman is your acquaintance, and has a more than common volubility of appetite, I shall esteem it as a favour, if you'll take an opportunity, by-and-by, of speaking to him for me, that I hope he'll be so kind as to consider me something more than the common price of my ordinary, for, upon my word, sir, he has obliged me to dress a fresh dinner for my own family, or they must have gone without victuals.—Lord, sir, replies the gentleman, I'd do it with all my heart, but I know it will signify nothing, for it might have happened, you know, that he had not eaten a morsel, and it is no easy matter, you know, landlord, for a person to break through an established custom. This answer confounded the landlord in an instant, and convinced him that this was only a bill due to him, which they had thus contrived to pay off in his own coin.
FINIS.
This work was published before January 1, 1929, and is in the public domain worldwide because the author died at least 100 years ago.
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