# The Truth about Marriage/Chapter9

CHAPTER IX
THE YOUNG WOMAN LOOKING FOR A MATE
And now, young woman, what kind of a man do you want for a mate?
I use the word "mate" purposely because I want you to think of marriage as mating. That means getting someone who will be a mate for you, one who is so like you in many ways, in likes and dislikes, in racial background, in early environment and conditions, in ideals and aspirations, in religious attitudes, in desires and hopes, that you are really mated.
You cannot expect great happiness if all your time is spent in getting adjusted to things that are really basic. It takes enough time to become adjusted in the outward and superficial things of life when people are of the same breed and understanding of life and expectation from it.
I advise you first of all to read the previous chapter where we have had a young man looking for a wife. He wants a wife. He is not always or ​primarily looking for a mate. But he will not be happy unless he is properly mated. He may choose a girl because of her good looks or her style or her charm, always thinking whether she will be a credit to him in the eyes of his friends.
Frankly, if you are only a beautiful dumb-bell, or a domesticated dumb-bell, or any other kind of a dumb-bell, you are probably not the kind to make him or any other man happy. Unless also he is a dumb-bell.
If you realize that you are some sort of a dumb-bell, do not marry a brilliant man. He will get fearfully tired of you, even if you are beautiful.
A rich man—the kind that most girls are looking for—may be proud of your good looks and like to show you off before his friends because of their admiration of your looks, despite the fact that you are a dumb-bell, but it will be much as he would show off his dog or his horse or his golf clubs or anything else that was his particular property and aroused interest.
But you will not in that case be married. You will be only a piece of personal property kept for show purposes, paying for it in a way that will take away your self-respect and leave your soul very empty. For dumb-bells have souls, even though dumb.
Whether you are a dumb-bell or not, be careful ​about marrying brilliant men and rich men, and be careful about marrying every other kind of man.
Brilliant men are often conscious of the fact and require a great deal of admiration.
Rich men, knowing that they can buy almost anything they desire, are apt to be fickle and develop the desire to trade you for another female.
All other kinds of men have their own peculiar faults and shortcomings and need to be studied in advance.
So be careful about marrying, for your world is going to be occupied by marriage more than will be the case with your husband. He has so many other interests that he oftentimes devotes only the scraps of his life, his off hours, to his home and family.
You no doubt remember what Byron said, "Love is of man's life a thing apart, 'Tis woman's whole existence." It is of tremendous importance to you to marry just the right man, one who is your soul's true mate.
Now ask yourself a few questions.
Have you the qualities to make a man happy?
Have you the gift of being entertaining? You will have to spend a great many hours with your husband alone and it will be necessary to talk. Do you keep up with the things that interest men and women of intelligence?
​Do you love music? Of course, I mean real music, not jazz. The mutual love of music unites people.
Do you like art in any form? Mutually artistic tastes unite. The artistic soul cannot be very happy with one who lacks in this respect.
Do you like literature? What do you read? Only the daily paper, and the sensations which it may feature?
Do you ever think things out? Do you believe you could help a man in the solution of his problems, so as to be a help meet for him?
Do you know how to sew at all? It is very necessary at times to be able to sew on a button or do a little mending. A man expects a woman to know how to sew to some slight extent.
Do you know how to cook?
Do you know how to keep house, or to manage a house?
Are you at all domestic? People have to live in homes and they must be kept attractive.
Do you care for home life?
Do you love children? Do you want children? If you do not, be sure not to marry a man that does love children and one who looks forward to children.
Are you cold and hard and selfish? If you are, you will never know what a happy marriage is. You will want only service from your husband. He will ​always be someone to exploit to get you what you want. He may become docile and kill himself with work to give you the things you demand, but no selfish person, and that means you, can ever expect to be happy. So if you are selfish, self-centered, hard, demanding all and giving as little as possible, you have nothing to expect of life until you change. Life has nothing to offer you. Real happiness is only for those who love others and find a joy in service.
Are you good-tempered? Or good-tempered only when everything happens the way you demand? Do you lose control of yourself at slight provocation?
Are you apt to nag?
Are you so critical that you make life miserable for ordinary human beings?
Are you sarcastic?
Are you blindly jealous?
Do you demand expensive attention and entertainment regardless of your sweetheart's ability or your husband's income?
Will you readily consent to deprivation in dress and homelife if the need arises?
Do you know from practical experience how much it costs to give you what you demand?
If you have a bad temper, little self-control, if you nag, if you are selfishly critical and sarcastic, unreasonably jealous, demanding things that your ​husband cannot buy you, unwilling to co-operate in building a home and future comforts, you have little to expect from marriage, except to make one, or many men, so miserable that they will curse you and marriage. You are not fitted to be the mate of a good person, for you would make him unhappy, nor fitted to be the mate of one like yourself, for he will be as impossible as you are and marriage will be impossible.
Do I seem hard? Well, very many marriages are failures, and one who expects to understand why they are failures must study the conditions back of unhappy marriages. Who expects sweetness from a lemon? If you want to be happy in marriage, you must realize that all happiness is a matter of character. If people cannot live with you happily now because of your impossible character, a husband will not be able to do so.
But very frankly I have the greatest belief in the possibility of your becoming whatever you desire to become. The condition of success is that you shall desire it strongly enough and persist in it day in and day out forever. You will meet with many defeats, but you will eventually win.
Now let us think of you as you really are in possibility, sweet, attractive, lovable, delightful in ​manner and character, created by the Lord to enter into a true marriage with another ideal person.
There are many things to remember in getting married, but act at least as sensibly as you would in buying a new dress. You ought to act as sensibly as you would in building a home for yourself, thinking it out in advance. Then you may not get what you want, but will get nearer by far to what you want than if you plunge.
What you are now to do is to be cautious, thoughtful, consider the things that may prevent a happy marriage, and also those which will make one practically certain. You are to learn to love wisely, for the sake of yourself, the man you want to make happy, and your possible children.
Remember in general that marriage is, as Swedenborg terms it, "the jewel of human life." Remember that it is the most fundamental and primary relationship of life, the fountain of all others. Remember that in it "two become one flesh." Remember that the union of minds and spirits is essential, and without such a union there is no real marriage.