# The jealous man convinced that he is no cuckold, or, The way of the world represented

Printed in Stirling by C. Randall.
Τ Η Ε
JEALOUS MAN
CONVINCED THAT HE IS NO
CUCKOLD:
OR, THE
Way of the World Repreſented.
BEING
A true Satire on the Times, in a comical Dialogue between a Jealous Huſband and a Crafty Wife.
SHEWING,
THE TRUE DERIVATION OF THE WORD CUCKOLD.
AND PLAINLY PROVING
That the Whoremaſter, and not the injured Huſband, deſerves to be ſo called.
STIRLING:
PRINTED & SOLD BY C. RANDALL
1801.
The Jealous Man no Cuckold.
Wife. PRAY huſband, what is the matter with you? methinks you look concerned———as if ſomething troubled you more than ordinary.
Huſband Matter enough, my dear, and reaſon enough too, if all was known; but let that ſtand there———
W. Stand there, child, what a fooliſh expreſſion is that? Prithee man, if you have reaſon, never harbour it in your breaſt, unfold it quickly.
H. Well love, then if I muſt I will, and plainly too; In ſhort, the alteration of your countenance, carriage, and behaviour towards me; your unmannerly looks, and ſomething elſe that I have taken notice of, give me a ſhrewd opinion of you,———That ſomething as big as a man has drawn your love from me of late.
W. O poor man! I am ſorry for you; indeed your misfortune is very great in your own thoughts. In my opinion, you would ſoon perſuade yourſelf——You are a jealous pated coxcomb, or ſuch a thing as they call a cuckold.
H. In good truth, wife, you have juſt hit it;— you ſhould be counted one of theſe things they call witches, for gueſſing ſo right.
W. Right! why I think the man's dotiſh, or mad, you talk ſo plainly, ſure any one that is not out of their ſenſes may underſtand you. If you have a mind to think yourſelf cuckold,—ſo—let that ſtand there, as you ſaid before. But firſt explain yourſelf a little farther, to my better underſtanding, and then ​ I don't doubt but I ſhall do as all other women would do my endeavours to convince you to the contrary. And I boldly ſay, huſband, you are no cuckold, and I ſhall ſhow you a reafon for it.
H. My love, if you can ſhow me a reaſon that I am not a cuckold, I ſhall ſleep in peace.
W. Indeed, huſband, that I can eaſily do;- but firſt you ſhall ſhow me your reaſon for lodging ſuch treacherous, envious, jealous thoughts in your breaſt againſt her who bas always been a faithful and honeſt, ſober, and loving wife.
H. My dear, what makes me under this conſternation is, that I have obſerved you have not been ſo ready, loving, affable, dutiful, and obedient of late, either night or day, as you uſually uſed to be. If I ſpeak, you heed me not; If I go to bed, or ſet up, It's all one to you; If I eat, or let it alone, you care, not; you never caſt a ſmile on me, or Speak a comfortable word to me. There is a ſtrange alteration at our houſe.
W. My dear ſpouſe, let all women judge, If I have not reaſon enough to be out of humour, Can I have a gold chain, a watch, a locket, a diamond ring, or any thing elſe neceſſary to ſet a woman off handſomely, like the reſt of my neighbours. There's many of them who had leſs fortune that myſelf, and leſs deſerve them, enjoy them all without this noiſe or clamour.
H. Come hold your peace, love, thoſe things I cannot afford ---And as for your portion, God knows I never had any ſuch thing with you; neither have you brought me any thing in theſe five ar ſix years I have been married to you
W. That's falſe, you lubber!----now you put me in a rage---Though I have been married theſe five or ſix years, yet I have brought you ſix or ſeven children, with little help of yours.
H. I crave your mercy, my dear, I had forgot that. But nevertheleſs, if you are an honeſt woman ​now, I'd ſain keep you ſo; for it is an old ſaying he that makes his wife a Goldfinch, in the end will find her a Water-wagtail. 'Tis good for a man to be cautious.
W. Out, you ſilly elf, I would not be a whore was there never a man in the world, I defy the devil and all his works.
H. Indeed my heart, I believe the firſt part of your ſtory, but my head does ache a little as well as my heart; I dread the horns, I would not be a cuckold for all the world, to be pointed at by every one to have a ſkimington rode for me, and a thouſand other reproaches which are unſufferable
W. Tuſh, fooliſhman, can I make you a cuckold of myſelf? and were it ſo, you ought to bear all afflictions with chriſtian patience; the old proverb tells you, that all cuckolds go to heaven. The world as bad as is is, will ſay 'tis none of your fault, but your wife's.
H. Indeed that is ſome ſatisfaction; yet as well as I love heaven I ſhould not like to be a cuckold.
W. Alas, my Pigſnies, I believe from all your diſcourſe hitherto, that you don't know what a cuckold is, nor whence the word is derived.
H. My dear duck, I know you are a greater ſcholar than I; and that you have more ſenſe and knowledge than all the women in the pariſh beſides, therefore I will tell you firſt, what I apprehend to be the meaning of it, and if I err, I ſhould be glad to be better informed by your greater wit and profound underſtanding.
W. Well, I will have patience till you are done, let's hear your ſkill in revealing this hidden myſtery.
H. My life, this is what I conceive of it, that there are three ſorts of cuckolds; the first is like a Stag, he carries horns, and is proud of them; the 2nd is like a Ram, he carries his horns backwards, and cannot ſee them' the 3d is like an Aſs, who going to a river to drink, ſees the ſhadow of his ​ears, and conceits they are horns, when he has none: and which of theſe three am I my dear, it is beſt known to yourſelf
W. Well, good man Aſs, though your definition is pretty comical, yet it is not to the purpoſe; as I am not ready to make an appeal, that yourſelf alone knows whither you are a cuckold or not.
H. I told you before, if I was amiſs, I would be glad to be rectified by you.
W. Then you jealous booby, the word cuckold, comes from Cuckow, a bird ſo extraordinary cold, that philoſophers ſay, that ſhe can't hatch her young herſelf, therefore ſhe lay's them in other birds neſts, to bring them forth. Now, if ever you have done ſo in another mans bed, you are a cuckold, if not otherwiſe.
H. A dad wife, I can ſwear to the contrary, for I never did ſo in my life.
W. So, then, I hope for the future you will abandon all ſuch fooliſh thoughts, and reſt contented.
H I will, my dear, my beſt beloved wife, And from my breaſt will baniſh care and ſtrife; I'll know no bleſs but what lies in your charms, And live and die encircled in your arms.
W. Hold huſband, that is not all. H. Why, what is to be done now, loving wife? W. But before we are thoroughly reconcild, you muſt promise to leave off drinking and gaming, and become a good huſband; why ſhould the landlady flouriſh in her rings and bravery, and laugh in her ſleeve at your folly? make her pot boil, when I am faſting at home, thatch her house, and leave your own uncovered? Pray let me know what ſatisfaction you will give me, for expoſing me in this manner:
H. Indeed I have gone aſtray hitherto, but it is time to reform. Their pleaſant looks, fine words, reliſhing bits, double chalks, frothy cans, wheedling ​ wenches, and a thouſand other ſnares and devices, have ruined me; but on the other hand, my dear, you muſt not lie in bed till noon, and riſe and drink coffee and tea; you muſt not ſpend the afternoon in fruitleſs vifits and goſſiping ſtories, tittle tattle, prittle prattle, chit chat from houſe to houſe, to the coſt of your neighbour's reputation, and my pocket, you know that tittle tattling, long tongue of yours, has got me thrice in the commiſſary's court, and five times in priſon already.
W. Weil, I find you have a mind to ſcold, and make me angry: If I lie in bed till noon, I ſpare a breakfaſt, and when I go to bed by day light, it ſaves fire and candles. If I had a mind to rip up old ſores, I could tell how the wench gave you a beck, to go to Nor. Bundiga, how you were ſitripp'd, for the reckoning, and ſporting in the garden of Venus, come home ſtung with nettles; but you had beſt not provoke me, no you had not.
H. For my part, I would not enrage, but adviſe you; you know, if a word paſſed between us, or ſo how would you take to your bed, pretend to be ill, and ſend to a Quack Doctor, to tell what ail'd you, who being as ignorant as yourſelf, of the cauſe, have joined iſſue with his knaviſh apothecary, and poiſon'd you with his flops, 'till they have made you ſick indeed!, at once robbing your health, and my purſe, fur deadly drugs, cover'd with damp names, which neither themſelves, nor any body elſe can underſtand, has draind my ſubſtance away, in right good earneſt.
W. Indeed every thing, that is laid out for the wife, is counted thrown away, but you forgot at the ſame time, what the lawyers have coſt you in wrangling, tho'e Salamanders, thát live in the ſcorching flames of their own kindling.
H. Not half ſo much as the curvy Taylors have coſt you in hoop petticoats, and other paultry faſhions, which your giddy ſex have cortriv'd of late, ​ to make you look big, and formidable, though God knows, (as the Poet ſays)
If women were as little, as they're good, A peas cod ſhell would make them cloak and hood.
W. I'm ſure you will never be good, while you obſerve the ſaying of every ragged Poet, the divine Oracles tell you, I am bone of your bone, and fleſh of your fleſh, and was you not an unnatural monſter, you would regard me as ſuch.
H. Hold good wife, be not ſo hot, I muſt own you were made of one of my ribs, which was crooked, and that appears in your temper to this day for it is natural for you to be crooked, contrary, ſtubborn, ſelf-willed, head-Strong, and turbulent.
W. Heyday! will you never have done? We ſhall have a diſh of rails for ſupper If I ſhould let you go on, you would run yourſelf quite out of breath; am not I your equal?
H. But I am your head and will be your maſter.
W. You may abroad, but I'll be miſtreſs at home.
H. You ſhall of the diſhes and trenchers, but never of me; beſides you are perjurd if you deſire it, for at your marriage, you promiſed to honour and obey me.
W. I did, but you promiſed to love and cheriſh me, and not to hector and domineer over me. I am your yokefellow, but not your ſlave; your equal, not your veſſel, your companion by day, and your bedfellow at night, the mother of your children, and guide of your ſervants, and therefore I'm worthy of an honour.
H. I own all this to be true, and yet the breeches belong to me. Is not a man lord of the creation? and do not I toil and labour to ſubſiſt you and yours, and do not all hardſhips, law-ſuits dangers of war, and all other difficulties. fall to my share, if you abuse anyone, don't I ſuffer for it? may, if you get a baſtard, muſt not I father it?' I work for ​ you by day, and drudge for you by night, and yet you are not contented, without ſuperiority over me.
W. I know no drudgery you do for me by night, unleſs it be ſleeping, and that I can do myſelf.
H. Sure you won't diſgrace me before thoſe people, and tell them I neglect family duty, I am ſure I love my marriage bed, as well as any man.
W. Perhaps you do, but if you loved the bed leſs, and your wife more, then I am ſure I ſhould find an alteration, as you notic'd on your ſide
H. Dear Mrs. Critical, you want me to fulfil the proverb, to love you ſo well, as to rub you down with an oaken towel, as my neighbours do; or like the Muſcovite women, who don't think their huſbands love them, unleſs they thraſh them once or twice a week.
W. No more of your airs, if you love me. My meaning is to banish all jealouſy from you : for was it ſo, you'd better put your horns in your pocket, than expoſe them; you may reſt contented, and go to church with your neighbours, for it's more in faſhion now-a-days, than you are aware of. Yet I afure you, huſband, you are no cuckold.
H: Why indeed that's great ſatisfaction to me, I muſt needs own I have been to blame for harbouring ſuch an opinion of you, but I will do ſo no more. I will enjoy my pipe and my bottle hereafter, make my heart glad, my life eaſy and you and I ſhall join hand in hand together, and ſet a good example to all our neighbours.
W. Now my dear rejoice, that I've convinced you of your fooliſh thoughts of cuckoldom, which ſhall make our hearts eaſy And as you deſire we'll join our hands together, go home in love, live in peace, and enjoy ourſelves over a cup of good liquor, to cheer our ſpirits.
H. With all my heart, wife, ſo let the loving company ſubſcribe themſelves witneſs, if they pleaſe.
FINIS
This work was published before January 1, 1929, and is in the public domain worldwide because the author died at least 100 years ago.
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