# The Art of Kissing/Chapter 3

III
THE TECHNIQUE OF THE KISS
The First Kiss.—The desire of a man to kiss a girl, and of a girl to be kissed by a man, and to kiss him in return, assumes a heightened form when adolescence is reached by each. Kissing, from the standpoint of its biological function, is a prelude to the ultimate love mating. From the standpoint of inexperienced kissers, it is a temporary substitute for the love hunger,—a substitute which may be all that the man or girl demands for weeks or months or years. From the standpoint of experienced kissers, it is a prelude to the mating; and, where the kissers have not previously mated, is a sort of preliminary test, to see if they are suited.
The immediate object of kissing is mutual pleasure. If you who read this, whether man or woman, ask me whom you are to kiss, I can only answer that you alone can give the answer. No general rules can be laid down. Many men prefer a girl shorter than themselves: yet the ideal mating might conceivably mean equal height, and there are men who prefer a girl taller. As to whether you wish the girl younger or older than yourself, that too depends upon your inclination at the moment. As a rule, the young man often desires an older woman, who is more experienced and—and, in brief, comes closer to his ideal woman, ​based largely upon his mother. As the man grows older, in proportion as his head remains hollow he desires a younger and younger girl. This is partly because he finds an experienced woman superior to himself: and the average "lordly" male, in all sadness I must confess, prefers an inferior woman to one the man's equal or superior. The choice of age for youth has another meaning as well: the older person, consciously or not, wants to restore his own lost youth in the kisses and caresses of a younger person. This, from the standpoint of the older person, is admirable. Some dark men prefer blonde girls, some prefer girls of their own coloring; and in every case generalities cannot be stated with certainty. If you want to kiss a girl or woman, set about doing it, or, at least, finding out if it will be well received.
The immediate object of kissing, mutual pleasure, as distinguished from the ultimate object, the love embrace, requires that both man and girl be willing. There is no pleasure, except in a man slightly perverted, in kissing a girl entirely against her will. So the man's first task is to find out whether the girl wishes, or is ready, for him to kiss her. How can he find out? The one safe rule is, not by asking directly. The girl rightly assumes that the man who asks for a kiss lacks the experience that will make the act worthwhile to her. The indirect methods vary enormously. It's all right to talk about kissing, and get the girl to agree that a kiss isn't any harm, when people really like each other. She will see through ​the subterfuge, of course, but, unless she despises its obviousness too much, she will not resent it. Another way is to progress by tentative caresses—touching her hand as if by accident, holding it, sitting close and closer to her, kissing (as if shyly) her shoulder, and the like. If the man's caress is clearly distasteful to the girl, the world is tremendously full of other girls. One or more of the others will bring you more happiness in love, be sure of that. Give the unpleased miss up as a bad job, and move on.
But a pretended resistance is another thing. There are many girls who say "No!" to every approach, and yet thereby intend to invite further and further pursuit on the man's part. How can you tell the real from the sham? Rather than miss a good kiss, if there is any doubt in your mind, proceed on the assumption that the girl really wants a kiss. The very feminine girl frequently pretends this resistance: perhaps to entice you on, perhaps because she has been taught that such things are wrong, and does not yet know that they are right; and perhaps because her temperament requires her to be forced every step of the way. If you can stand the shouldering of the temporary responsibility, in other words, if you enjoy the chase of the victim who pretends unwillingness, stick to her until you have kissed her thoroughly. Surprisingly enough, the girl who seems very masculine often has the same trait. Her pretended masculinity may be a sham; and she may long all the time for your kisses and caresses. The only way to find out ​is to go ahead: never believe the spoken word in such cases, and believe her actions of rejection only when repeated the Biblical seventy times seven times.
Let us assume that the man has ascertained that the girl is willing to be kissed. If she is to keep up her pretense of opposition, any legitimate surprise kiss is permissible. For my own part, I prefer to leave the protesters to others; the world has enough girls who do not fake this opposition. There is no reason why the protesters should not be left kissless, except for men who enjoy overcoming a struggling faked opposition.
For the girl who is willing to be kissed, the technique of the first kiss requires unusual care and artistry. Don't hurry, as if you had a train to catch. Don't stumble over yourself, and find yourself kissing her ear or hair instead of her mouth—which she will regret as much as you. Take it slowly, in somewhat the following fashion:
If the girl is really being kissed for the first time, or is unused to kissing from men, or shams feeble resistance, it is well to hold her so that she cannot avoid the meeting of lips, when it is finally offered. If you and she are standing, either press her body firmly against your own, or hold one arm so that it can catch and hold her at a moment's indication of squirming away on her part. This with one arm: have the other placed around her shoulder, at the back of her head, so that, if need arises, it can grasp her head and hold it in place for the bestowal of the kiss. If you ​are seated, the same rule applies for the two arms; unless you are so sure of your ground that you can place the two hands respectfully on her two cheeks, thereby tilting her face to the proper angle. Then without hurrying, bring your lips up until they meet hers. Keep your lips closed: make the kiss chaste, respectful, and not too long. Its purpose, in other words, is not to frighten the timid unkissed darling.
Even if you are bored with these slow preliminaries, remember what is in store for you, and let your face register intense pleasure. Let your expression say, either that this is the first kiss you have ever had, and that you already feel transported to Paradise; or that, if you ever kissed before, you have forgotten everything in the universe except this particular girl and her particular kiss. Actually act, at the moment that the kiss is completed, as if that is all you expected from the girl. For the moment that is what she will actually feel. Quickly enough, she will feel differently.
Only in the rarest cases is it wise to stop with one kiss. Better let both of you miss a trip to Europe, than stop at this point. Normally, you will still continue to let your arms and hands touch her as intimately as possible. A reassuring pressure of your fingers upon her arms, a head bowed, and, in cases, a murmured "I'm sorry, darling! I didn't really mean to—" . . . anything to restore her confidence in you, all these come in handy. Then artistically begin to lose control of yourself. Her cheeks next—they must be kissed—oh, so respectfully! A little kiss-nibble at the corner of her mouth tastes ​inexpressibly sweet, and continues to restore her confidence in you. It lulls her suspicions, and makes her think that all you wished was the one small kiss.
An important next step comes in well here, and may indeed be used as a prelude, in cases where the girl seems absolutely unwilling. Gently bend down her head, and kiss her on the eyelids. If this is the beginning of the whole matter, you may even explain reassuringly what you are about to do. While you are feasting on this kiss, by accident, as it were, you can so tilt her face that the lips are yours. Stray to the ears, for a kiss and a little nip; and then come down to the neck. This is a warm comfy kiss, and, if the girl wears a dress even moderately low-cut, is especially thrilling to her. Now, for the first time, you can begin to put some soul, some unconstraint, in the caress. Holding her body tightly to yours, kiss her passionately on the neck. The touch is intimate and at the same time not calculated to rouse suspicion. It will rouse her insensibly. Keep this up, until you feel her body relaxing in your arms. Now is the time to return triumphantly to the lips; if she tries to get away, use a reassuring "Just one, darling! Just one tiny little one—" What you say makes no difference; the thing to do is to get there. Once you have rearrived at the lips, you may kiss her as passionately as she is able to stand.
Kissing passionately means kissing with more than the closed lips, in general. The Persian "Perfumed Garden" recommends kissing with the whole inside of the mouth. Let your ​lips now surround hers, as if they were going to engulf them. The electric tingling sensation is hers as well as yours. Sooner or later, she will follow your example, and open her lips slightly. Now is the time to let your tongue speak wordlessly for you. After a long and intense kiss, accompanied by a definite hug or squeeze, you can sit back for a moment's breathing-space. Your girl is no longer unkissed: she has reached the class of the kissed girl, the experienced girl.
The Sophisticated Kiss.—The kissing of an experienced girl is a different matter. Again, it is the man's task to decide, from all the evidence furnished by the girl's reception of his tentative approaches, just how experienced she is, and just how she expects to be kissed. A girl only slightly experienced must be kissed, at the beginning, as slowly and only a bit less respectfully than the sweet unkissed; a girl fully experienced in love will regard such tardiness as a proof that the man is, to use the elegant slang, as slow as a train on the Erie. The general rule is to give as much as you are expected to give: and if you are not too much of a blunderer, it is better to err on the side of giving too much, than too little. Women may forgive an excess of passion in the kiss: for, after all, they too unconsciously desire to be roused into passion. A woman rarely forgives the man who under-kisses her, who gives her less than she desires.
A girl's kiss is self-revealing to a man. If the lips are kept closed and the kiss is deco​rous, this is a warning to go comparatively slow. If the girl's lips are opened, this says that the track is clear. If the mouth is fully opened, and the girl kisses as actively as the man, it might not be a bad idea to cancel all your engagements for the next week or so, and give the girl all the kissing she wants!
With a girl who is experienced, the hug, or body embrace, is very important. This should be more determined now. The first variety is where the man's arm, around the girl's back, presses her bosom against his: and a pressure that temporarily stops the breathing of both of them, at times, is relished by both. A later technique is for the arm to fall at least as low as her waist, and thus lock the two bodies together, while the lips complete the communion. The poet describes it:
The lip kiss now lasts longer than with the inexperienced girl, of course: and tends gradually to become what is called the soul kiss. It need only stop short of the astonishing kiss Mrs. Browning describes in Aurora Leigh, a kiss—
As long and silent as the ecstatic night.
We are not amphibious enough to endure such a kiss. We would have to come up to breathe from time to time. But, to those who are able, this sort of sheik buss is recommended. Toward the North Pole, where the night is six ​months long, the kiss described has distinct possibilities.
Yet the soul kiss, as the exclusive method, would grow wearisome. The bird peck variety of kiss, which flits tantalizingly all over the girl's face, and strays down to the neck and its environs, is a pleasant intermission between longer osculatory sessions. The three varieties of the soul kiss might be described as (1) that in which the two tongues involved perform a sort of hand wrestle with each other; (2) that in which the girl's tongue is withdrawn inward as far as possible, giving the man the maximum of territory to explore, and (3) that in which the girl does the exploring. Fancier variations of this will suggest themselves. And, of course, in all varieties of the kiss, the thrill is immediately communicated throughout the entire body.
A Girl's Kiss.—Although, as we have seen, the female kissed first in the shape of the maternal lick followed by the maternal kiss—in the ordinary intercourse between man and woman, the man kisses first. The reverse is true, when the girl is more experienced, and is perhaps a woman with a younger man. Then she may with propriety assume the role of the man, gently initiate the unkissed youth, as in our description of the initiation of the unkissed girl; and thereafter lead him up the long path to osculatory sheikdom.
In any kissing, where the man has started first, the one wrong thing is for the girl to remain passive, unless this be merely as an intermission. She should lag, in ideal kissing, ​a little behind the man; but only a little behind him. As the fire of the kiss tingles throughout the veins of both, it is her cue to respond almost as ardently, and never be merely negative throughout the experience. Few men like the continuing sensation of kissing the stone image on top of a sarcophagus. Nor does the girl secure her greatest pleasure by utter passivity. "It is better to give than to receive" applies to both parties in a kissing episode.
The proper interruption for a spell of kisses given by the man to the girl is for her to reciprocate, and return the kisses. This advice is almost unnecessary, for women are disposed to return with interest the kisses given them.
This is as good a place as any to say a word about the actual significance of the kiss. Pleasant as it is, its indiscriminate use is an abuse. Its proper function is as a prelude, not as a goal achieved. Men and women who play ​at kissing, intending to stop there, are playing with a fire that easily becomes uncontrolable. Iwan Bloch, in The Sexual Life of Our Time, says that there is a quantitative difference only, and not a qualitative difference, between the chaste stroking of the hair and the first timid kiss, on the one hand, and the ultimate love rapture. Someone has said that the first intentional touching of the skin of the beloved one is a mating half achieved. The Perfumed Garden ends its description of loving:
Goethe describes the ultimate kiss thus:
His final word is that it is a true saying that the woman who permits a man to kiss her will ultimately grant him complete possession. Indeed, a sensitive woman values her kiss as highly as the last favor. Unless a kiss be exchanged merely as a test of mutual attraction, it is well to recall that chastity was accurately described by Lester Ward as selection, and not abstinence: and to select with great care those whom you admit to the gate of kissing, which is almost invariably, with men and women of any maturity, the last locked gate upon the way to the earthly Eden.