# The Comic English Grammar/Part II

PART II.
ETYMOLOGY.
CHAPTER I.
A COMICAL VIEW OF THE PARTS OF SPEECH.
Etymology teaches the varieties, modifications, and derivation of words.
The derivation of words means that which they come from as words for what they come from as sounds, is another matter. Some words come from the heart, and then they are pathetic; others from the nose, in which case they are ludicrous. The funniest place, however, from which words can come is the stomach. By the way, the Mayor would do well to keep a ventriloquist, from whom, at a moment's notice, he might ascertain the voice of the corporation.
Comic Etymology teaches us the varieties, modifications, and derivation, of words invested with a comic character.
Grammatically speaking, we say that there are, in English, as many sorts of words as a cat is said to have lives, nine; namely, the Article, the Substantive or Noun, the Adjective, the Pronoun, the Verb, the Adverb, the Preposition, the Conjunction, and the Interjection.
Comically speaking, there are a great many sorts of words which we have not room enough to particularise individually. We can therefore only afford to classify them. For instance; there are words which are spoken ​in the Low Countries, and are High Dutch to persons of quality.
Words in use amongst all those who have to do with horses.
Words that pass between rival cab-men.
Words spoken in a state of intoxication.
Words uttered under excitement.
Words of endearment, addressed by parents to children in arms.
Similar words, sometimes called burning, tender, soft, and broken words, addressed to young ladies, and whispered, lisped, sighed, or drawled, according to circumstances.
Words of honor; as, tailors' words and shoemakers' words; which, like the above-mentioned, or lovers' words, are very often broken.
With many other sorts of words, which will be readily suggested by the reader's fancy.
But now let us go on with the parts of speech.
1. An Article is a word prefixed to substantives to point them out, and to show the extent of their meaning; as, a dandy, an ape, the simpleton.
One kind of comic article is otherwise denominated an oddity, or queer article.
Another kind of comic article is often to be met with in some of our monthly magazines.
2. A Substantive or Noun is the name of anything that exists, or of which we have any notion; as, tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, apothecary, ploughboy, thief.
Now the above definition of a substantive is Lindley Murray's, not ours. We mention this, because we have an objection, though, not, perhaps, a serious one, ​to urge against it; for, in the first place, we have "no notion" of impudence, and yet impudence is a substantive; and, in the second, we invite attention to the following piece of Logic,
A substantive is something, But nothing is a substantive; Therefore, nothing is something.
A substantive may generally be known by its taking an article before it, and by its making sense of itself; as, a treat, the mulligrubs, an ache.
3. An Adjective is a word joined to a substantive to denote its quality; as a ragged regiment, an odd set.
You may distinguish an adjective by its making sense with the word thing: as, a poor thing, a sweet thing, a cool thing; or with any particular substantive, as a ticklish position, an awkward mistake, a strange step.
4. A Pronoun is a word used in lieu of a noun, in order to avoid tautology; as, "The man wants calves; he is a lath; he is a walking-stick."
5. A Verb is a word which signifies to be, to do, or to suffer: as, I am; I calculate; I am fixed.
A verb may usually be distinguished by its making sense with a personal pronoun, or with the word to before it: as I yell, he grins, they caper; or to drink, to smoke, to chew.
Fashionable accomplishments!
Certain substantives are, with peculiar elegance, and by persons who call themselves genteel, converted into verbs: as, "Do you wine?""Will you liquor?"
6. An Adverb is a part of speech which, joined to a verb, an adjective, or another adverb, serves to express same quality or circumstance concerning it: as, "She ​swears dreadfully; she is incorrigibly lazy; and she is almost continually in liquor."
7. An Adverb is generally characterised by answering to the question, How? how much? when? or where? as in the verse, "Merrily danced the Quaker's wife," the answer to the question. How did she dance? is, merrily.
8. Prepositions serve to connect words together, and to show the relation between them: as,
"Off with his head, so much for Buckingham!"
9. A Conjunction is used to connect not only words, but sentences also: as, Smith and Jones are happy because they are single. A miss is as good as a mile.
SINGLE BLESSEDNESS
​10. An Interjection is a short word denoting passion or emotion: as, 'Oh, Sophonisba! Sophonisba, oh!" Pshaw! Pish! Pooh! Bah! Ah! Au! Eughph! Yaw! Hum! Ha! Lauk! La! Lor! Heigho! Well! There! &c.
Oh! Sir, stop that dog!
Among the foregoing interjections there may, perhaps, be some unhonored by the adoption of genius, and unknown in the domains of literature. For the present notice of them some apology may be required, but little will be given; their insertion may excite astonishment, but their omission would have provoked complaint: though unprovided with a Johnsonian title to a place in the English vocabulary, they have long been recognised by the popular voice; and let it be remembered, that as custom supplies the defects of legislation, so that which is not sanctioned by magisterial authority may nevertheless be justified by vernacular usage.
CHAPTER II.
OF THE ARTICLES.
The Articles in English are two, a and the; a becomes an before a vowel, and before an h which is not sounded: as, an exquisite, an hour-glass. But if the h be pronounced, the a only is used: as, a homicide, a homœpathist, a hum.
A or an is called the indefinite article, because it is used, in a vague sense, to point out some one thing belonging to a certain kind, but in other respects indeterminate; as,
"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!"
So say grammarians. Eating-house keepers tell a different story. A cheese, in common discourse, means an object of a certain shape, size, weight, and so on, entire and perfect; so that to call half a cheese a cheese, would constitute a flaw in an indictment against a thief who had stolen one. But a waiter will term a fraction, or a modicum of cheese, a cheese; a platefull of pudding, a pudding; and a stick of celery, a salary. Here we are reminded of the famous exclamation of one of these gentry:—"Sir! there's two teas and a brandy-and-water just sloped without paying!"
The is termed the definite article, inasmuch as it denotes what particular thing or things are meant as,
"The miller he stole corn,  The weaver he stole yarn,  And the little tailor he stole broad-cloth  To keep the three rogues warm."
A substantive to which no article is prefixed is taken ​in a general sense; as, "Apple sauce is proper for goose;" that is, for all geese.
APPLE-SAUCE.
A few additional remarks may advantageously be made with respect to the articles. The mere substitution of the definite for the indefinite article is capable of changing entirely the meaning of a sentence. "That is a ticket" is the assertion of a certain fact; but "That is the ticket!" means something which is quite different.
The article is not prefixed to a proper name; as, Stubbs, Wiggins, Brown or Hobson, except for the sake of distinguishing a particular family, or description of persons; as, He is a Burke; that is, one of the Burkes, or a person resembling Burke.
​The definite article is frequently used with adverbs in the comparative and superlative degree: as, "The longer I live, the taller, I grow;" or, as we have all heard the showman say, "This here, gentlemen and
CHAPTER III.
Section I.
OF SUBSTANTIVES IN GENERAL.
Substantives are either proper or common.
Proper names, or substantives, are the names belonging to individuals: as William, Birmingham.
These are sometimes converted into nicknames, or improper names: as Bill, Brummagem.
Common names, or substantives, denote kinds containing many sorts, or sorts containing many individuals under them: as brute, beast, bumpkin, cherub, infant, goblin, &c.
Proper names, when an article is prefixed to them, are employed as common names: as, "They thought him a perfect Chesterfield; he quite astonished the Browns."
Common names, on the other hand, are made to denote individuals, by the addition of articles or pronouns: as,
"There was a little man, and he had a little gun."
"That boy will be the death of me!"
Substantives are considered according to gender, number, and case; they are all of the third person when spoken of, and of the second when spoken to: as,
Matilda, fairest maid, who art  In countless bumpers toasted, ​O let thy pity baste the heart  Thy fatal charms have roasted!
SECTION II.
OF GENDER.
The distinction between nouns with regard to sex is called Gender. There are three genders: the Masculine, the Feminine, and the Neuter.
The masculine gender belongs to animals of the male kind: as, a fop, a jackass, a boar, a poet, a lion.
The feminine gender is peculiar to animals of the female kind: as, a poetess, a lioness, a goose.
​The neuter gender is that of objects which are neither males nor females: as, a toast, a tankard, a pot, a pipe, a pudding, a pie, a sausage, &c. &c. &c.
We might go on to enumerate an infinity of objects of the neuter gender, of all sorts and kinds; but in the selection of the foregoing examples we have been guided by two considerations:—
1. The desire of exciting agreeable emotions in the mind of the reader.
2. The wish to illustrate the following proposition, "That almost everything nice is also neuter."
Except, however, a nice young lady, a nice duck, and one or two other nice things, which we do not at present remember.
Some neuter substantives are by a figure of speech converted into the masculine or feminine gender: thus we say of the sun, that when he shines upon a Socialist, he shines upon a thief; and of the moon, that she affects the minds of lovers.
​There are certain nouns with which notions of strength, vigor, and the like qualities, are more particularly connected; and these are the neuter substantives which are figuratively rendered masculine. On the other hand, beauty, amiability, and so forth, are held to invest words with a feminine character. Thus the sun is said to be masculine, and the moon feminine. But for our own part, and our view is confirmed by the discoveries of astronomy, we believe that the sun is called masculine from his supporting and sustaining the
"Shan't I shine to-night, dear?"
​moon, and finding her the wherewithal to shine away as she does of a night, when all quiet people are in bed; and from his being obliged to keep such a family of stars besides. The moon, we think, is accounted feminine, because she is thus maintained and kept up in her splendor, like a fine lady, by her husband the sun. Furthermore, the moon is continually changing; on which account alone she might be referred to the feminine gender. The earth is feminine, tricked out, as she is, with gems and flowers. Cities and towns are likewise feminine, because there are as many windings, turnings, and little odd corners in them as there are in the female mind, A ship is feminine, inasmuch as she is blown about by every wind. Virtue is feminine by courtesy. Fortune and misfortune, like mother and daughter, are both feminine. The Church is feminine, because she is married to the state; or married to the state because she is feminine—we do not know which. Time is masculine, because he is so trifled with by the ladies.
The English language distinguishes the sex in three manners; namely,
1. By different words; as,
| male | female |
| Bachelor | Maid. |
| Brother | Sister. |
| Wizard | Witch. |
| Father | Mother, &c. |
And several other
Words we don't mention, (Pray pardon the crime,) Worth your attention, But wanting in rhyme.
​2. By a difference of termination; as,
| MALE. | FEMALE. |
| Poet | Poetess. |
| Lion | Lioness, &c. |
3. By a noun, pronoun, or adjective being prefixed to the substantive; as,
| MALE. | FEMALE. |
| A cock-lobster | A hen-lobster. |
| A jack-ass | A jenny-ass (vernacular.) |
| A man-servant, or flunkey. | A maid-servant, or Abigail. |
| A male flirt (a rare animal.) | A female flirt (a common animal.) |
We have heard it said, that every Jack has his Jill. That may be; but it is by no means true that every cock has his hen; for there is a
Cock-swain, but no Hen-swain. Cock-eye, but no Hen-eye. Cock-ade, but no Hen-ade. Cock-atrice, but no Hen-atrice. Cock-horse, but no Hen-horse. Cock-ney, but no Hen-ney.
Then we have a weather-cock, but no weather-hen, a turn-cock, but no turn-hen; and many a jolly cock, but not one jolly hen; unless we except some of those by whom their mates are pecked.
Some words; as, parent, child, cousin, friend, neighbour, servant and several others, are either male or female, according to circumstances.
It is a great pity that our language is so poor in the terminations that denote gender. Were we to say of a ​woman that she is a rogue, a knave, a scamp, or a vagabond, we feel that we should use, not only strong but improper expressions. Yet we have no corresponding terms to apply, in case of necessity, to the female. Why is this? Doubtless because we never want them. For the same reason, our forefathers transmitted to us the words, philosopher, astronomer, philologer, and so forth, without any feminine equivalent. Alas! for the wisdom of our ancestors! They never calculated on the March of Intellect.
SECTION III.
OF NUMBER.
Number is the consideration of an object as one or more; as, one poet, two, three, four, five poets; and so on, ad infinitum.
The singular number expresses one object only, as a towel, a viper.
The plural signifies more objects than one; as, towels, vipers.
Some nouns are used only in the singular number; dirt, pitch, tallow, grease, filth, butter, asparagus, &c.; others only in the plural; as, galligaskins, breeches, &c.
Some words are the same in both numbers; as sheep, swine, and some others.
The plural number of nouns is usually formed by adding s to the singular; as, dove, doves, love, loves, &c.
Julia, dove returns to dove, Quid pro quo, and love for love; Happy in our mutual loves, Let us live like turtle doves!
When, however, the substantive singular ends in x, ch soft, sh, ss, or s, we add es in the plural.
But remember, though box In the plural makes boxes, That the plural of ox Should be oxen, not oxes.
SECTION IV.
OF CASE.
There is nearly as much difference between Latin and English substantives, with respect to the number of cases pertaining to each, as there is between a ​quack-doctor and a physician; for while in Latin substantives have six cases, in English they have but three. But the analogy should not be strained too far; for the fools in the world (who furnish the quack with his cases) more than double the number of the wise.
A VERY BAD CASE.
The cases of substantives are these: the Nominative, the Possessive or Genitive, and the Objective or Accusative.
The Nominative Case merely expresses the name of a thing, or the subject of the verb: as, "The doctors differ;"—"The patient dies!"
Possession, which is nine points of the law, is what is signified by the Possessive Case. This case is distinguished by an apostrophe, with the letter s subjoined to it: as, "My soul's idol!"—"A pudding's end."
​But when the plural ends in s, the apostrophe only is retained, and the other s is omitted: as, "The Ministers' Step;"—"The Rogues' March;"—"Crocodiles' tears;"—"Butchers' mourning."
When the singular terminates in ss, the letter s is sometimes, in like manner, dispensed with: as, "For goodness' sake!"—"For righteousness' sake!" Nevertheless, we have no objection to "Burgess's" Stout.
The Objective Case follows a verb active, and expresses the object of an action, or of a relation: as "Spring beat Bill;" that is, Bill or "William Neate." Hence, perhaps, the phrase, "I'll lick you elegant."
The Objective Case is also used with a preposition: as, "You are in a mess."
English substantives may be declined in the following manner:
SINGULAR.
What is the nominative case Of her who used to wash your face, Your hair to comb, your boots to lace?
A mother!
What the possessive? Whose the slap That taught you not to spill your pap. Or to avoid a like mishap?
A mother's!
And shall I the objective show? What do I hear where'er I go? How is your?—whom they mean I know,
My mother!
PLURAL.
Who are the anxious watchers o'er The slumbers of a little bore, ​That screams whene'er it doesn't snore? Why, mothers! Whose pity wipes its piping eyes, And stills maturer childhood's cries. Stopping its mouth with cakes and pies? Oh! mother's! And whom, when master, fierce and fell, Dusts truant varlets' jackets well. Whom do they, roaring, run and tell? Their mothers!
CHAPTER IV.
OF ADJECTIVES.
SECTION I.
OF THE NATURE OF ADJECTIVES AND THE DEGREES OF COMPARISON.
An English Adjective, whatever may be its gender, number, or case, like a rusty weathercock, never varies. Thus we say, "A certain cabinet; certain rogues."
But as a rusty weathercock may vary in being more or less rusty, so an adjective varies in the degrees of comparison.
The degrees of comparison, like the Genders, the Graces, the Fates, the Kings of Cologne, the Weird Sisters, and many other things, are three; the Positive, the Comparative, and the Superlative.
The Positive state simply expresses the quality of an object; as, fat, ugly, foolish.
The Comparative degree increases or lessens the ​signification of the positive; as fatter, uglier, more foolish, less foolish.
The Superlative decree increases or lessens the positive to the highest or lowest degree; as fattest, ugliest, most foolish, least foolish.
Amongst the ancients, Ulysses must have been the fattest, because nobody could compass him.
Aristides the Just was the ugliest, because he was so very plain.
The most foolish, undoubtedly, was Homer; for who was more natural than he?
The positive becomes the comparative by the addition of r or er; and the superlative by the addition of st or est to the end of it; as, brown, browner, brownest; stout, stouter, stoutest; heavy, heavier, heaviest; wet, wetter, wettest. The adverbs more, and most, prefixed to the adjective, also form the superlative degree; as, heavy, more heavy, most heavy.
Monosyllables are usually compared by er and est, and dissyllables by more and most; except dissyllables ending in y or in le before a mute, or those which are accented on the last syllable; for these, like monosyllables, easily admit of er and est. But these terminations are scarcely ever used in comparing words of more than two syllables.
We have some words, which, from custom, are irregular in respect of comparison; as, good, better, best; bad, worse, worst, &c.; but the Yankee's "notion" of comparison was decidedly funny; "My uncle's a tarnation rogue; but I'm a tarnationer."
SECTION II.
A FEW REMARKS ON THE SUBJECT OF COMPARISON.
Lindley Murray judiciously observes, that "if we consider the subject of comparison attentively, we shall perceive that the degrees of it are infinite in number, or at least indefinite:" and he proceeds to say, "A mountain is larger than a mite; by how many degrees? How much bigger is the earth than a grain of sand? By how many degrees was Socrates wiser than Alcibiades? or by how many is snow whiter than this paper? It is plain," quoth Lindley, "that to these and the like questions no definite answers can be returned."
No; but an impertinent one may. Ask the first news-boy you meet, any one of these questions, and see if he does not immediately respond, "Ax my eye;" or, "As much again as half."
But when quantity can be exactly measured, the degrees of excess may be exactly ascertained. A foot is just twelve times as long as an inch; a tailor is nine times less than a man.
Moreover, to compensate for the indefiniteness of the degrees of comparison, we use certain adverbs and words of like import, whereby we render our meaning tolerably intelligible; as, "Byron was a much greater poet than Muggins." "Honey is a great deal sweeter than wax." "Sugar is considerably more pleasant than the cane." "Maria says, that Dick the butcher is by far the most killing young man she knows."
The words very, exceedingly, and the like, placed before the positive, give it the force of the superlative; ​and this is called by some the superlative of eminence, as distinguished from the superlative of comparison. Thus, Very Reverend is termed the superlative of eminence, although it is the title of a dean, not of a cardinal; and Most Reverend, the appellation of an Archbishop, is called the superlative of comparison.
A Bishop, in our opinion, is Most Excellent.
The comparative is sometimes so employed as to express the same pre-eminence or inferiority as the superlative. For instance; the sentence, "Of all the cultivators of science, the botanist is the most crafty," has the same meaning as the following: "The botanist is more crafty than any other cultivator of science."
Why? some of our readers will ask—
Because he is acquainted with all sorts of plants.
CHAPTER V.
OF PRONOUNS.
Pronouns or proxy-nouns are of three kinds; namely, the Personal, the Relative, and the Adjective Pronouns.
Note.—That when we said, some few pages back, that a pronoun was a word used instead of a noun, we did not mean to call such words as thingumibob, whatsiname, what-d'ye-call-it, and the like, pronouns.
And that, although we shall proceed to treat of the pronouns in the English language, we shall have nothing to do, at present, with what some people please to call pronoun-ciation.
SECTION I.
OF THE PERSONAL PRONOUNS.
"Mr. Addams, don't be personal, Sir!"
"I'm not, Sir."
"You am. Sir!"
"What did I say, Sir?—tell me that."
"You reflected on my perfession, Sir; you said, as there was some people as always stuck up for the cloth; and you insinnivated that certain parties dined off goose by means of cabbaging from their customers. 1 ask any gentleman in the room, if that an't personal.
MEETING OF SELECTMEN
​"Veil, Sir, vot I says I'll stick to."
"Yes, Sir, like vax, as the saying is."
"Wot d'ye mean by that. Sir?"
"Wot I say, Sir!"
"You 're a individual. Sir!"
"You 're another, Sir!"
"You 're no gentleman. Sir!"
"You 're a humbug, Sir!"
"You 're a knave, Sir!"
"You 're a rogue. Sir!"
"You 're a wagabond, Sir!"
"You 're a willain. Sir!"
"You 're a tailor. Sir!"
"You 're a cobler, Sir!" (Order! order! chair! chair! &c.
The above is what is called personal language. How many different things one word serves to express in English! A pronoun may be as personal as possible, and yet nobody will take offence at it.
There are five Personal Pronouns; namely, I, thou, he, she, it; with their plurals, we, ye or you, they.
Personal Pronouns admit of person, number, gender, and case.
Pronouns have three persons in each number.
In the Singular; I, is the first person. Thou, is the second person. He, she, or it, is the third person. In the plural; We, is the first person. Ye or you, is the second person. They, is the third person.
​This account of persons will be very intelligible when the following Pastoral Fragment is reflected on:
HE.
I love thee, Susan, on my life: Thou art the maiden for a wife. He who lives single is an ass; She who ne'er weds a luckless lass. It's tiresome work to live alone; So come with me, and be my own.
SHE.
We maids are oft by men deceived; Ye don't deserve to be believed; You don't—but there's my hand—heigho! They tell us, women can't say no!
The speaker or speakers are of the first person; those spoken to, of the second; and those spoken of, of the third.
Of the three persons, the first is the most universally admired.
The second is the object of much adulation and flattery, and now and then of a little abuse.
The third person is generally made small account of; and, amongst other grievances, suffers a great deal from being frequently bitten about the back.
The Numbers of pronouns, like those of substantives, are, as we have already seen, two; the singular and the plural.
In addressing yourself to anybody, it is customary to use the second person plural instead of the singular. This practice most probably arose from a notion, that to be thought twice the man that the speaker was, gratified the vanity of the person addressed. Thus, ​the French put a double Monsieur on the backs of their letters.
Editors say "We," instead of "I," out of modesty.
The Quakers continue to say "thee" and "thou," in the use of which pronouns, as well as in the wearing of broad-brimmed hats and of stand-up collars, they perceive a peculiar sanctity.
Gender has to do only with the third person singular of the pronouns, he, she, it. He is masculine; she is feminine; it is neuter.
Pronouns have the like cases with substantives; the nominative, the possessive, and the objective.
Would that they were the hardest cases to be met with in this country!
The personal pronouns are thus declined:—
| CASE. | FIRST PERSON SINGULAR. | FIRST PERSON PLURAL. |
| Nom. | I | We. |
| Poss. | Mine | Ours. |
| Obj. | Me | Us. |
| CASE. | SECOND PERSON. | SECOND PERSON. |
| Nom. | Thou | Ye or you. |
| Poss. | Thine | Yours. |
| Obj. | Thee | You. |
Now the third person singular, as we before observed, has genders; and we shall therefore decline it in a different way. Variety is charming.
| | THIRD PERSON SINGULAR. | THIRD PERSON SINGULAR. |
| CASE. | MASC. | FEM. | NEUT. |
| Nom. | He | She | It. |
| Poss. | His | Hers | Its |
| Obj. | Him | Her | It. |
| CASE. | PLURAL. |
| Nom. | They. |
| CASE. | PLURAL. |
| Poss. | Theirs. |
| Obj. | Them. |
Reader, Mem.
We beg to inform thee, that the third person plural has no distinction of gender.
SECTION II.
OF THE RELATIVE PRONOUNS.
The Pronouns called Relative are such as relate, for the most part, to some word or phrase, called the antecedent, on account of its going before: they are, who, which, and that: as, "The man who does not drink enough when he can get it, is a fool: but he that drinks too much is a beast."
What is usually equivalent to that which, and is, therefore, a kind of compound relative, containing both the antecedent and the relative; as, "You want what you'll very soon have!" that is to say, the thing which you will very soon have.
Who is applied to persons, which to animals and things without life; as, "He is a gentleman who keeps a house and lives respectably." To the dog which pinned the old woman, they cried, 'Cæsar!'"
That, as a relative, is used to prevent the too frequent repetition of who and which, and is applied both to persons and things; as, He that stops the bottle is a Cork man." "This is the house that Jack built."
Who is of both numbers; and so is an Editor; for, according to what we observed just now, he is both singular and plural. Who, we repeat, is of both numbers, and is thus declined:—
SINGULAR AND PLURAL.
Nominative.Who
Is the maiden to woo?
Genitive. Whose
Hand shall I choose?
Accusative. Whom
To despair shall I doom?
Which, that and what are indeclinable; except that whose is sometimes used as the possessive case of which; as,
"The roe, poor dear, laments amain,
Whose sweet hart was by hunter slain."
Who, which, and what, when they are used in asking questions, are called Interrogatives; as, "Who is Mr. Walker?" "Which is the left side of a round plum-pudding?" "What is the damage?"
Those who have made popular phraseology their study, will have found that which is sometimes used for whereas, and words of like signification; as in Dean Swift's "Mary the Cookmaid's Letter to Dr. Sheridan:"
"And now I know whereby you would fain make an excuse,
Because my master one day in anger call'd you a goose;
Which, and I am sure I have been his servant since October,
And he never called me worse than sweetheart, drunk or sober."
What, or, to speak more improperly, wot, is generally substituted by cabmen and hack-drivers for who; as, "The donkey wot wouldn't go." "The girl wot sweeps the crossing."
That, likewise, is very frequently rejected by the ​vulgar, who use as in its place; as, "Them as asks shan't have any; and them as don't ask don't want any."
SECTION III.
OF THE ADJECTIVE PRONOUNS.
Adjective pronouns partake of the nature of both pronouns and adjectives. They may be subdivided into four sorts: the possessive, the distributive, the demonstrative, and the indefinite.
The possessive pronouns are those which imply possession or property. Of these there are seven; namely, my, thy, his, her, our, your, their.
The word self is added to possessives; as, myself, yourself, "Says I to myself, says I." Self is also
SELF-ESTEEM.
​sometimes used with personal pronouns; as, himself, itself, themselves. His self is a common, but not a proper expression.
The distributive are three; each, every, either; they denote the individual persons or things separately, which, when taken together, make up a number.m
Each is used when two or more persons or things are mentioned singly; as, "each of the Catos;" "each of the Browns."
Every relates to one out of several; as, "Every mare is a horse, but every horse is not a mare."
Either refers to one out of two; as,
"When I between two jockeys ride,
I have a knave on either side."
Neither signifies "not either;" as, "Neither of the Bacons was related to Hogg."
The demonstrative pronouns precisely point out the subjects to which they relate; such are this and that, with their plurals these and those; as, "This is a Hoosier lad; that is a Yankee school-master."
This refers to the nearest person or thing, and to the latter or last mentioned; that to the most distant, and to the former or first mentioned; as, "This is a man; that is a nondescript." "At the period of the Reformation in Scotland, a curious contrast between the ancient and modern ecclesiastical systems was observed; for while that had been always maintained by a Bull, this was now supported by a Knox."
The indefinite are those which express their subjects in an indefinite or general manner; as, some, other, any, one, all, such, &c.
When the definite article the comes before the word ​other, those who do not know better, are accustomed to strike out the he in the, and to say, t'other.
The same persons also use other in the comparative degree; for sometimes, instead of saying quite the reverse, or perhaps rewerse, they avail themselves of the expression more t'other.
So much for the pronuons.
CHAPTER VI.
OF VERBS.
SECTION I.
OF THE NATURE OF VERBS IN GENERAL.
The nature of Verbs in general, and that in all languages, is, that they are the most difficult things in the Grammar.
Verbs are divided into Active, Passive, and Neuter; and also into Regular, Irregular, and Defective. To these divisions we beg to add another; Verbs Comic.
A Verb Active implies an agent, and an object acted upon; as, to love; "I love Wilhelmina Stubbs." Here, I am the agent; that is, the lover; and Wilhelmina Stubbs is the object acted upon, or the beloved object.
A Verb Passive expresses the suffering, feeling, or undergoing of something; and therefore implies an object acted upon, and an agent by which it is acted upon; as, to be loved; "Wilhelmina Stubbs is loved by me."
​A Verb Neuter expresses neither action nor passion, but a state of being; as, I bounce, I lie.
"Fact, Madam!" "Gracious, Major!"
Of Verbs Regular, Irregular, and Defective, we shall have somewhat to say hereafter.
Verbs Comic are, for the most part, verbs which cannot be found in the dictionary, and are used to express ordinary actions in a jocular manner; as, to "bolt," to "mizzle," which signify to go or to depart; to "bone," to "prig," that is to say, to steal; to "collar," which means to seize, an expression probably ​derived from the mode of prehension, or rather apprehension characteristic of the New Police, as it is one very much in the mouths of those who most frequently come in contact with that body: to "liquor," or drink; to "grub," or eat; to "sell," or deceive, &c.
Under the head of Verbs Comic, the Yankeeisms, I "calculate," I "reckon," I "realise," I "guess," and the like, may also be properly enumerated.
Auxiliary, or helping Verbs (by the way we marvel that the New Englanders do not call their servants auxiliaries instead of helps) are those, by the help of which we are chiefly enabled to conjugate our verbs in English. They are, do, be, have, shall, will, may, can, with their variations; and let and must, which have no variation.
Let, however, when it is anything but a helping verb, as, for instance, when it signifies to hinder, makes lettest and letteth. The phrase, "This House to Let," generally used instead of "to be let," meaning in fact, the reverse of what is intended to convey, is really a piece of comic English.
To verbs belong Number, Person, Mood, and Tense. These may be called the properties of a verb; and like those of opium, they are soporiferous properties. There are two very important objects which the writer of every book has, or ought to have in view, to get a reader who is wide awake, and to keep him so:—the latter of which, when Number, Person, Mood, and Tense are to be treated of, is no such easy matter; seeing that the said writer is then in some danger of going to sleep himself. Never mind. If we nod, let the reader wink. What can't be cured must be endured.
SECTION II.
OF NUMBER AND PERSON.
Verbs have two numbers, the Singular and the Plural: as, "I fiddle, we fiddle," &c.
In each number there are three presons; as,
| | SINGULAR. | PLURAL. |
| First Person | I love | We love. |
| Second Person | Thou lovest | Ye or you love. |
| Third Person | He loves | They love. |
What a deal there is in every Grammar about love! Here the following Lines, by a Young Lady, (now no more,) addressed to Lindley Murray, deserve to be recorded:—
"Oh, Murray! fatal name to me, Thy burning page with tears is wet, Since first 'to love' I learned of thee, Teach me, ah! teach me 'to forget!'"
SECTION III.
OF MOODS AND PARTICIPLES.
Mood or Mode is a particular form of the verb, or a certain variation which it undergoes, showing the manner in which the being, action, or passion, is represented.
The moods of verbs are five, the Indicative, the Imperative, the Potential, the Subjunctive, and the Infinitive.
The Indicative Mood simply points out or declares a thing: as, "He teaches, he is taught;" or it asks a question: as, "Does he teach? Is he taught?"
​Q. Why is old age the best teacher?
A. Because he gives you the most wrinkles.
Q. Why does a rope support a rope-dancer?
A. Because it is taught.
The Imperative Mood commands, exhorts, entreats or permits: as, "Vanish thou; trot ye; let us hop; be off!"
The Potential Mood implies possibility or liberty, power, will, or obligation: as, "A waiter may be honest. You may stand upon truth or lie. I can filch. He would cozen. They should learn."
The Subjunctive Mood is used to represent a thing as done conditionally; and is preceded by a conjunction, expressed or understood, and accompanied by another verb: as, "If the skies should fall, larks would be caught." "Were I to punch your head, I should serve you right:" that is, "if I were to punch your head."
The Infinitive Mood expresses a thing generally, without limitation, and without any distinction of number or person: as, "to quarrel, to fight, to be licked."
The Participle is a peculiar form of the verb, and is so called, because it participates in the properties both of a verb and of an adjective: as, "May I have the pleasure of dancing with you?" "Mounted on a tub he addressed the bystanders." "Having uplifted a stave, they departed."
The Participles are three; the Present or Active, the Perfect or Passive, and the Compound Perfect: as, "I felt nervous at the thought of popping the question, but that once popped, I was not sorry for having popped it."
​The worst of popping the question is, that the report is always sure to get abroad.
SECTION IV.
OF THE TENSES.
Tense is the distinction of time, and consists of six divisions, namely, the Present, the Imperfect, the Perfect, the Pluperfect, and the First and Second Future Tenses.
Time is also distinguished by a fore-lock, scythe, and hour-glass; but the youthful reader must bear in mind, that these things are not to be confounded with tenses.
​The Present Tense, as its name implies, represents an action or event occurring at the present time: as "I lament; rogues prosper; the mob rules."
The Imperfect Tense represents a past action or event, but which, like a mutton chop, may be either thoroughly done, or not thoroughly done; were it meet, we should say, under-done: as,
"When I was a little boy some fifteen years ago,
My mammy doted on me—Lork! she made me quite a show."
"When our reporter left, the Honorable Gentleman was still on his legs."
The legs of most "Honorable Gentlemen" must be tolerably stout ones; for the "majority" do not stand on trifles. However, we are not going to commit ourselves, like some folks, nor to get committed, like other folks; so we will leave "Honorable Gentlemen" to manage matters their own way.
The Perfect Tense declares a thing to have been done at some time, though an indefinite one, antecedent to the present time. That, however, which the Perfect Tense represents as done, is completely, or, as we say of a green one, when he is humbugged by the thimble-rig people, regularly done; as, "I have been out on the river." "I have caught a crab."
Catching a crab is a thing regularly (in another sense than completely) done, when civic swains pull young ladies up to Richmond. We beg to inform persons unacquainted with aquatic phraseology, that "pulling pup" young ladies, or others, is a very different thing from "pulling up" an omnibus conductor or a cabman. What an equivocal language is ours! How much less ​agreeable to be "pulled up" at the Police office than to be "pulled up" in a row-boat! how wide the discrepancy between "pulling up" radishes and "pulling up" horses!
The Pluperfect Tense represents a thing as doubly past; that is, as past previously to some other point of time also past; as, "I fell in love before I had arrived at years of discretion."
The First Future Tense represents the action as yet to come, either at a certain or an uncertain time; as "The tailor will send my coat home to-morrow; and when I find it perfectly convenient, I shall pay him.
The Second Future intimates that the action will be ​completed at or before the time of another future action or event; as, "I wonder how many conquests I shall have made by to-morrow morning."
N. B. One ball is often the means of killing a great many people.
The consideration of the tenses suggests various moral reflections to the thinking mind. A couple of examples will perhaps suffice;—
1. Present, though moderate fruition, is preferable to splendid, but contingent futurity; i. e. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
2. Imperfect nutrition is less to be deprecated than privation of aliment;—a new way of putting an old proverb, which we need not again insert, respecting half a loaf.
SECTION V.
THE CONJUGATION OF THE AUXILIARY VERBS To Have and To Be.
We have observed that boys, in conjugating verbs, give no indications of delight, except that which an ingenious disposition always feels in the acquisition of knowledge. Now, having arrived at that part of the Grammar in which it becomes necessary that these same verbs should be considered, we feel ourselves in an awkward dilemma. The omission of the conjugations is a serious omission—which, of course, is objectionable in a comic work—and the insertion of them would be equally serious, and therefore quite as improper. What shall we do? We will adopt a middle, course; referring the reader to Murray and other talented authors for full information on these matters; and requesting him to be content with our confining ​ourselves to what is more especially suitable to these pages—a glance at the Comicalities of verbs.
If being a youngster I had not been smitten, Of having been jilted I should not complain, Take warning from me all ye lads who are bitten, When this part of Grammar occurs to your brain.
As there is a certain intensity of feeling abroad, which renders people indisposed to trouble themselves with verbal matters, we shall take the liberty of making very short work of the Regular Verbs. Even Murray can only afford to conjugate one example,—To Love. The learner must amplify this part of the Grammar for himself: and we recommend him to substitute for "to love," some word less harrowing to a sensitive mind: as, "to fleece, to tax," verbs which excite disagreeable emotions only in a sordid one; and which also, by association of ideas, conduct us to useful reflections on Political Economy. We advise all whom it may concern, however, to pay the greatest attention to this part of the Grammar, and before they come to the Verbs Regular, to make a particular study of the Auxiliary Verbs: not only for the excellent reasons set forth in "Tristram Shandy," but also to avoid those awkward mistakes in which the Comicalities of the Verbs, or Verbal Comicalities, chiefly consist.
"Did it rain to-morrow?" asked Monsieur Grenouille.
"Yes it was!" replied Monsieur Crapaud.
We propose the following as an auxiliary mode of conjugating verbs:—"I love to roam on the crested foam, Thou lovest to roam on the crested foam, He loves to roam on tho crested foam, We love to roam on ​the crested foam, Ye or you love to roam on the crested foam, They love to roam on the crested foam," &c.
The Auxiliary Verbs, too, are very useful when a peculiar emphasis is required: as, "I shall give you a drubbing!" "Will you?" "I know a trick worth two of that." "Do you, though?" "It might," as the Quaker said to the Yankee, who wanted to know what his name might be; "it might be Beelzebub, but it is not."
Now we may as well say what we have to say about the conjugation of regular verbs active.
SECTION VI.
THE CONJUGATION OF REGULAR VERBS ACTIVE.
Regular Verbs Active are known by their forming their imperfect tense of the indicative mood, and their perfect participle, by adding to the verb ed, or d only when the verb ends in e: as,
| PRESENT. | IMPERFECT. | PERF. PARTICIP. |
| I reckon. | I reckoned. | Reckoned. |
| I realise. | I realised. | Realised. |
Here should follow the conjugation of the regular active verb, To Love; but we have already assigned a good reason for omitting it; besides which we have to say, that we think it a verb highly unfit for conjugation by youth, as it tends to put ideas into their heads which they would otherwise never have thought of; and it is moreover our opinion, that several of our most gifted poets may, with reason, have attributed the seunfortunate attachments which, though formed in early youth, served to embitter their whole lives, to the poison which they thus sucked in with the milk, so to speak, of their Mother Tongue, the Grammar. We shall therefore dismiss Cupid, and he must look for
PASSIVE.
Verbs Passive are said to be regular, when their perfect participle is formed by the addition of d, or ed to the verb: as, from the verb "To bless," is formed the passive, "I am blessed, I was blessed, I shall be blessed," &c.
The conjugation of a passive verb is nothing more than the repetition of that of the auxiliary To Be, the perfect participle being added.
And now, having cut the regular verbs (as Alexander did the Gordian knot) instead of conjugating them, let us proceed to consider the.
IRREGULAR VERBS.
SECTION VII.
Irregular Verbs are those of which the imperfect tense and the perfect participle are not formed by adding d or ed to the verb: as,
| PRESENT. | IMPERFECT. | PERFECT PART |
| I blow. | I blew. | blown. |
To say I am blown, is, under certain circumstances, such as windy and tempestuous weather, proper enough; but I am blowed, it will at once be perceived, is not only an ungrammatical, but also a vulgar expression.
Great liberties are taken with the Irregular Verbs, insomuch that in the mouths of some persons, divers of them become doubly irregular in the formation of their participles. Among such Irregular Verbs we may enumerate the following:—
| PRESENT. | IMPERFECT. | PERF. OR PASS. PART. |
| Am | wur | bin. |
| Burst | bust | busted. ​ |
| Catch | cotch | cotched. |
| Come | kim | comed. |
| Drive | druv | driv. |
| Freeze | friz | froze. |
| Give | guv | giv. |
SECTION VIII.
OF DEFECTIVE VERBS.
Most men have five senses, Most verbs have six tenses; But as there are some folks Who are blind, deaf, or dumb folks,
Just so there are some verbs Defective, or rum verbs,
which are used only in some of their moods and tenses.
The principal of them are these:—
| | IMPERFECT. | PERF. OR PASS. PART |
| Can | could | nix. |
| May | might | — |
| Shall | should | — |
| Will | would | — |
| Must | must | — |
| Ought | ought | — |
| — | quoth | — |
There is not, perhaps, anything in the defective verbs peculiarly valuable in a comic point of view. However, it should not be forgotten, that
Can is one of the signs of the pot-ential Mood;
Ought, ought, with 1 before it, stands, (in school-boy phrase) for 100.
CHAPTER VII.
OF ADVERBS.
Having as great a dislike as the youngest of our readers can have to repetitions, we shall not say what an adverb is over again. It is, nevertheless, right to observe, that some adverbs are compared: as, far, farther, farthest; near, nearer, nearest. In comparing those which end in ly, we use more and most: as, slowly, more slowly, most slowly.
There are a great many adverbs in the English Language: their number is probably even greater than that of abusive epithets. They are divisible into certain classes; the chief of which are Number, Order, Place, Time, Quantity, Manner or Quality, Doubt, Affirmation, Negation, Interrogation, and Comparison.
A nice little list, truly! and perhaps some of our readers may suppose that we are going to exemplify it at length: if so, all we can say with regard to their expectation is, that we wish they may get it gratified. In the meantime, we will not turn our Grammar into a dictionary, to please anybody. However, we have no objection to a brief illustration of the uses and properties of adverbs, as contained in the following passage:—
"Formerly, when first I began to preach and to teach, whithersoever I went, the little boys followed me, and now and then pelted me with brick-bats, as heretofore they pelted Ebenezer Grimes. And whensoever I opened my mouth, straightways the ungodly began to crow. Oftentimes was I hit in the mouth with an orange: yea, and once, moreover, with a rotten egg: ​whereat there was much laughter, which, notwithstanding, I took in good part, and wiped my face and looked pleasantly. For peradventure I said, they will listen to my sermon; yea, and after that we may have a collection. So I was nowise discomfited; wherefore I advise thee, Brother Habakkuk, to take no heed of thy persecutors, seeing that I, whereas I was once little better off than thyself, have now a chapel of mine own. And herein let thy mind be comforted, that, preach as much as thou wilt against the Bishop, thou wilt not, therefore, in these days, be in danger of the pillory. Howbeit," &c.
Vide Life of the late pious and Rev. Samuel Simcox (letter to Habakkuk Brown.)
CHAPTER VIII.
OF PREPOSITIONS.
Prepositions are, for the most part, put before nouns and pronouns: as, "out of the frying-pan into the fire."
The preposition of is sometimes used as a part of speech of peculiar signification, and one to which no name has as yet been applied: as, "What you been doing of?"
At and up are not rarely used as verbs, but we should scarcely have been justified in so classing them by the authority of any polite writer; such use of them being confined to the vulgar: as, "Now then, Bill, at him again." "So she upped with her fists, and fetched him a whop."
After is improperly pronounced arter, and against, ​agin: as, "Hallo! Jim, vot are you arter? don't you know that ere's agin the Law?"
CHAPTER IX.
OF CONJUNCTIONS.
A Conjunction means literally, a union or meeting together. An ill-assorted marriage is
A COMICAL CONJUNCTION. ​But our conjunctions are used to connect words and sentences, and have nothing to do with the joining of hands. They are chiefly of two sorts, the Copulative and Disjunctive.
The Copulative Conjunction is employed for the connection or continuation of a sentence: as, "Jack and Gill went up the Hill," "I will sing a song if Gubbins will." "A thirsty man is like a Giant because he is a Gog for drink."
The Conjunction Disjunctive is used not only for purposes of connection, but also to express opposition of meaning in different degrees: as, "We pay less for our letters, but shall have to pay more for our coats: they have lightened our postage, but they will increase our taxes.
Conjunctions are the hooks and eyes of Language, in which, as well as in dress, it is very possible to make an awkward use of them: as, "For if the year consist of 365 days 6 hours, and January have 31 days, then the relation between the corpuscular theory of light and the new views of Mr. Owen is at once subverted: for, 'When Ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise:' because 1760 yards make a mile; and it is universally acknowledged that 'war is the madness of many for the gain of a few:' therefore Sir Isaac Newton was right in supposing the diamond to be combustible."
The Siamese twins, it must be admitted, form a singular conjunction.
A tin pot fastened to a dog's tail is a disagreeable conjunction to the unfortunate animal.
A happy pair may be regarded as an uncommon conjunction. ​The word as, so often used in this and other Grammars, is a conjunction: as, "Mrs. A. is as well as can be expected."
CHAPTER X.
OF DERIVATION.
Those who know Latin, Greek, Saxon, and the other languages from which our own is formed, do not require ​to be instructed in philological derivation; and on those who do not understand the said tongues, such instruction would be thrown away. In what manner English words are derived, one from another, the generality of persons know very well: there are, however, a few words and phrases, which it is expedient to trace to their respective sources; not only because such an exercise is of itself delightful to the inquiring mind; but because we shall thereby be furnished (as we hope to show) with a test by means of which, on hearing an expression for the first time, we shall be able, in most instances, to decide at once respecting its nature and quality.
These words, of which many have but recently come into vogue, which, though by no means improper or immoral, are absolutely unutterable in any polite assembly. It is not, at first, very easy to see what can "be the objection to their use; but derivation explains it for us in the most satisfactory manner. The truth is, that the expressions in question take their origin from various trades and occupations, in which they have for the most part, a literal meaning; and we now perceive what horrible suspicions respecting one's birth, habits, and education, their figurative employment would be likely to excite. To make the matter indisputably clear, we will explain our position by a few examples.
| WORDS AND PHRASES. | WHAT DERIVED FROM. |
| Bone (to steal,) | Butchers. |
| Chisel (to cheat,) | Carpenters. |
| To cut it fat. | Cooks. |
| To come it strong. | Publicans. |
| To drop off the hooks, | Butchers. |
| WORDS AND PHRASES. | WHAT DERIVED FROM. |
| To be done, | Cooks. |
| To be done brown, | Ditto. |
| A sell, (a cheat,) | Jews. |
| To lather (to beat,) | Barbers. |
| To strap (ditto,) | Cobblers. |
| To hide (ditto,) | Curriers. |
| Spicy (showy,) | Grocers. |
| To hang out (to dwell,) | Publicans. |
| Swamped (ruined,) | Watermen. |
| To put one's oar in (to interfere,) | Ditto. |
| Mahogany (for table,) | Upholsterers. |
| Dodge (trick,) | Pickpockets. |
| To bung up an eye, | Brewers. |
| To chalk down, | Publicans. |
| A close shaver (a miser,) | Barbers. |
| To be off your feed, | Ostlers. |
| Hold hard (stop.) | Omnibus-men. |
Numerous examples, similar to the foregoing, will, no doubt, present themselves, in addition, to the mind of the enlightened student. We have not, however, quite done yet with our remarks on this division of our subject. The intrinsic vulgarity of all modes of speech which may be traced to mean or disreputable persons, will, of course, not be questioned. But—and as we have got hold of a nice bone, we may as well get all the marrow we can out of it—the principle which is now under consideration has a much wider range than is apparent at first sight.
Now we will suppose a red-hot lover addressing the goddess of his idolatry—by the way, how strange it is, that these goddesses should be always having their ​ temples on fire, that a Queen of Hearts should ever be seated on a burning throne!—but to return to the lover: he was to say something. Well, then, let A. B. be the lover. He expresses himself thus:
"Mary, my earthly hopes are centred in you. You need not doubt me; my heart is true as the dial to the sun. Words cannot express how much I love you. Nor is my affection an ordinary feeling: it is a more exalted and a more enduring sentiment than that which bears it name. I have done. I am not eloquent: I can say no more, than that I deeply and sincerely love you."
This, perhaps, will be regarded by connoisseurs as tolerably pathetic, and for the kind of thing not very ridiculous. Now, let A. S. S. be the lover: and let us have his version of the same story:—
"Mary, my capital in life is invested in you. You need not stick at giving me credit; my heart is as safe as the bank. The sum total of my love for you defies calculation. Nor is my attachment anything in the common way. It is a superior and more durable article than that in general wear. My stock of words is exhausted. I am no wholesale dealer in that line. All I can say is, that I have a vast fund of unadulterated affection for you."
In this effusion the Stock Exchange, the multiplication table, and the dry goods and grocer's shops have been drawn upon for a clothing to the suitor's ideas; and by an unhappy choice of words, the most delightful and amiable feelings of our nature, without which life would be a desert and man a bear, are invested with a ridiculous disguise.
We would willingly enlarge upon the topic which we ​have thus slightly handled, but that we feel that we should by so doing, intrench too far on the boundaries of Rhetoric, to which science, more particularly than to Grammar, the consideration of Metaphor belongs; besides which, it is high time to have done with Etymology.