# Galloping Dick/Chapter 1

Of the Bishop’s Quandary, and of the Humourous Events that ensued.
Chapter I
Of the Bishop’s Quandary, and of the Humourous Events that ensued.
The chance seemed fallen into my hands, and without my expectation. The place was very privy; the sun stood at four of the afternoon, and already the heaven was blackening overhead. A thin cold wind whistled through the empty trees, tossing the snow in spray, and the devil of a hard night was brewing. In the centre of the road, and bare to this desolation, the carriage stood forlorn, the shafts half buried in a drift, and the broken wheel full circle to the sky. And there lay the Bishop, reclining against his cushions, with his interrogating eyes upon me.
“You say truly,” said the Bishop suavely, “the Church is ill-served by the minor clergy in some gross particulars.”
He set the tips of his fingers together, and ​complacently regarded the roof of his coach. I confess that I was mightily taken with his coolness, for he must needs have a notion of my calling, and yet there he sat, with his smug face uncrinkled, and his great body heaving placidly, as though he had been this half-hour at ease before his fire. I had the fancy to thrust him a little closer and, springing from Calypso, I drew to the carriage and leaned my arms across the window. At this new proximity he appeared to start ever so little, and glanced at me from the edges of his eyes.
“There’s the rub,” says I. “For myself, I am naturally a man of peace, who can split a weasand with his sword upon occasion. I pursue a sound life and a simple calling.” The Bishop bowed in affable audience. “I am content with what goods the world, or chance, provides. If there be some who have brought evil accusations of greed upon me, why, what matters it, if a man’s conscience be right with his Maker? And you, my lord, will surely know the calamitous and miserable calumniations put upon our poor human nature?”
​The Bishop nodded slowly. “’Tis just,” says he, “for tongues will wag”; and returned to the equable contemplation of his cushions. The imperturbable air of those fat features nettled me.
“Sometimes,” I resumed, “’tis true that I have fallen away from my own conception of myself. I have suffered from an egregious desire to sound of fine repute, to cut a figure in the world. That vice, we know, lies also in the heart of many a priest.”
The Bishop assented gravely. “But ’tis after all but a minor flaw,” said I, “in a character of cardinal virtues.” The Bishop waved his hand politely, as though deprecating a matter of small import.
“And then——” said I. “But I fear I weary you?” The Bishop straightened himself upon his seat. “Indeed,” he replied, “I find your case of much interest and instruction.”
I vowed that I would break his resolute equanimity. “No man shall say,” says I with some heat, “that the Church has not ever had my inward fealty. Leal son have I been ​to her. I have paid tithes and given charities. But ofttimes … i’ faith”—and here I laughed—“’twas fetched out of some noodle’s pocket.”
I paused. The Bishop lifted the tips of his lingers apart, and looked at me. “I fear,” said he, “that there is no conscience but carries grievous burdens.”
He nestled more snugly in his cushions, crossed his plump legs, and closed his eyes; and with the act seemed to dismiss me from his presence. I surveyed him for a moment in silence, and with some amazement. Not a point upon his well-ordered body but witnessed to a life of ease and dignity. He was full-fed; his spreading belly was arrogant with appetite; his broad calm face was rich with ample and luxurious wastes. He was built generously upon secure and comfortable years. And there he lay, the rough wind thrashing his warm flesh, obnoxious to the instant handling of a wild highwayman, mumbling a conversation in polite terms, unmoved by danger, and underanged by discomfort. The control of the man was so admirable that I must push it to ​its limits. “’Fore Heaven,” says I to myself, “I will see this fine courage topple down, if I keep sheep by moonlight for it.” I had never a stomach for Mother Church, but this damned ugly lump was come near to turn me parson. I leaned over and tapped him on the knee. He opened his eyes with an air of weariness, and fastened them upon me with a faint gesture of apology.
“I fear I have been rude enough to fall asleep,” says he.
“Indeed,” I answered sharply, “’tis ill manners, as you may see, to split through a gentleman’s discourse so lightly. I did myself the honour to begin you my history.”
“You must forgive me,” said the Bishop, with that wave of his hand. “Pray continue. To be sure—your history.”
“Hark’ee,” said I roughly. “You profess yourself a vicar of God. Damn and shrive—these be the transactions of your precious trade! You hold a knife to poor mortal throats, and scare ’em with hell-fires, as I ​might tickle those thick creases of your own. And which were the greater sin?” I asked with indignation.
“Indeed,” said he softly, “you do us both injustice. But ’tis a bitter night for so long and engrossing an argument as this is like to develop between us. ’Twould please me greatly else, and if I may but see you at some other time——” He bowed, and left the invitation in his bow. “But I was to hear your history,” says he. “I interrupt you. Pray proceed.”
The serenity of his phrases staggered me, and I could do naught but scrape my wits up in a heap and burst out on him. “Fore gad,” I broke forth, “I have stopped a man’s vitals for less impudence than yours. A bloody priest, forsooth, to prate of justice and of argument! You are a man of Holy Writ. Faugh! Call me a ruffian, a cut-throat, or a vagabond—but I have broke your decalogue into a thousand pieces, and turned and shattered ’em again.”
“That,” said the Bishop gravely, “lies betwixt yourself and your Maker. ’Tis a pity ​in so well-favoured a youth as you would seem,” and his glance strayed over me deliberately. “But I have known many ruffians like yourself in a long and lively experience.”
He put his hand to his coat, and slowly withdrawing a snuff-box, tapped meditatively upon the lid. And at the sight I was divided strangely in a confusion between a roaring sense of laughter and an angry surge of ill-temper. Swinging in the balance uncertainly for a moment, I dropped with a plump at length upon the side of passion. The Bishop was staring into his snuff. I rapped a pistol over his knuckles, and when he looked up he gazed instead down the long hollows of the barrel.
“Come,” says I, with a rough oath, “forth with your precious guineas, or I’ll spoil the smooth beauty of those cheeks. I will have you unload your pockets, my fat vicegerent, an’ I cannot force you disburden your conscience. Off with your jewels and your rings!”
The Bishop inspected the weapon without flinching, and then looked me quietly in the ​face. “You have been very tedious, my friend,” says he. “Indeed, I was in some hopes that my rascals would have returned ere you had found your spirit for the job.”
I could not but admire him even through my irritation, but I kept the muzzle at his head, and cried out impatiently: “Ha’ done, my lord, ha’ done! ’Tis ill jesting with Dick Ryder on his rounds. Out, out with your long, fat purse.”
For the first time in our intercourse a slight smile gleamed in the Bishop’s eyes, and his white face fell into deeper corrugations. Withdrawing the rings from his fingers, he placed them with his purse in my hand without a word, and looked at me inquiringly. I clapped the booty in my pockets with a nod of satisfaction, while dropping back into his seat he slowly re-crossed his legs.
“And now,” quoth he, “you will, I trust, allow me to repose in quiet. I have had a long day’s journey, and my travels are not yet at their term. Perhaps you will permit me to say that your conversation, which I doubt not ​would have engaged me very pleasantly upon another occasion, fell somewhat inopportune. I am an old man, and have tired. If you will be so good as to leave me, betwixt now and the return of my coachman with the horses I shall have the felicitous chance of sleep.”
“My lord,” I answered amiably, for my ill-humour was gone, and I liked the possession of the man, “I wish you the deepest of slumber”—he inclined his head courteously. “And if,” says I, “there is any favour you might require of me ere I go, why, damn it,” says I, “you shall have it, and welcome.”
“My good Ryder, as that is your name,” said the Bishop suavely, “nothing in the world, I assure you, save perhaps that you will adjust the window, for the night is falling very shrewd.”
I threw Calypso’s bridle over my arm and bent myself to his request. As I finished, and was on the point of slapping to the door, the Bishop glanced at me. “I fear,” said he, with another smile, “that none of the guineas in that somewhat lean purse will find their way to church. ’Tis, of course, no business ​of mine. I do not presume to dictate to any man’s conscience. You pay tithes, you say, and give in charity. It is excellent hearing, and I confess that I was in some hope a little earlier, when you vaunted those virtues so proudly, that some of my guineas might perchance come back to me hereafter. But it was a momentary thought only. You know your own trade. I wish you good-night. I fear ’tis a cold ride for you.” And he dismissed me with a gentle motion of his hands.
Now I have ever been a fellow of red-hot impulse, and my passions and my humour mingle so strangely and vie so oddly, that I swear I can scarce tell at one moment what fit will take me the next. And at this inimitable farewell, so suavely phrased, and so courteously charged, stinging the while with such faint and friendly satire, I was so vastly tickled that I could not forbear bursting into laughter in that silent road.
“The devil take me!” says I, “I love a bishop, and to lighten a brother-wit is monstrously against my stomach. So here’s for you, my ​lord.” And with that I swept the purse and the rings at a motion into his apron.
The Bishop stirred and regarded me with mild surprise. Then, smiling and shrugging his heavy shoulders, he replaced the rings slowly upon his hands. “This, I take it, is not repentance?” he asked, thoughtfully.
“Nay,” said I jauntily. “Take it for what you will. Call it a whim, conceive it a doting fancy for a tough old cock, or imagine me a penitent ripe for the altar. It matters not so you carry off your jewels in safety.”
“You are mistaken, Ryder,” says the old gentleman, shaking his head. “Were it a whim, I should expect a sharp change. Should it be a pious penitence, I should have no option save to pursue the gracious miracle—with sound religious advice and the ordinances of the Church. And if it came of a sudden appreciation of, as you say”—he paused—“myself and my poor merits”—he paused again and, having settled his rings, took a pinch of snuff—“I should have a mind to ask your company at dinner.”
​“Curse me!” says I, “let us put it at that, then. The cold is peaking my bowels into a very respectable appetite.”
The Bishop dusted the snuff from his apron and fell back into his lounge. “You press me too hard,” said he, reproachfully. “I am not of so young a blood to take these sharp turns with you;” and he eyed me as if inviting speech.
“The Devil!” I retorted warmly. “I will fasten myself upon no man’s hospitality. ’Twas of your own notion.”
“An offer,” he explained smoothly, “upon a fitting occasion.”
“Well,” says I, laughing, “what occasion will better this?”
The Bishop considered me coldly. “I am to dine,” he observed, “with my Lord Petersham, who celebrates to-night the marriage of the Lady Mary.”
I laughed again. “And you with a broken coach, my lord!” I cried.
The Bishop reflected. “It is true,” he replied, “that I am in some difficulty, but my ​rascals will be here shortly. And that, too,” he added, with a smiling blink, “upon the top of yourself, my friend.”
“A fig for your rascals!” said I. “They are lucky if they get them a pair of horses within five miles of Wretford this night.” The Bishop frowned. “The night is bleak and wild,” I continued, “and the snow is piled in deep drifts upon the highways. If your coachman has the road by heart——”
“He is a stranger to these parts,” interrupted the Bishop.
“Why, then,” says I, “he will reach your lordship by cock-crow, if he reach at all. Or rather, we shall stumble upon his body in some gutter by the way.”
“Your suggestions are drawn black, Ryder,” sighed the Bishop.
“As black as the night, or my own heart, your lordship,” said I gaily.
“And you would propose——?” he asked, after a pause.
“An inn close by, at which you might sup and repose with warmth and comfort. A bottle ​of wine and a roast loin of veal, my lord; and me, too, Dick Ryder, for company, in admiring witness of your estimable qualities.” I concluded with a long congee, and when I looked up again he was watching me with some suspicion.
“Faith,” said I, “you have reached me forth a warm invitation, and you would now withdraw? Fie, fie! my lord. But as I may not be your guest for lack of confidence, sink me,” says I, “then you shall be mine, and none the worse for that.”
The Bishop cocked his head upon one side and scrutinised me carefully.
“Lord, Lord!” I cried, “but here’s a doubting Thomas!” And loosening my belt I flung pistols and sword upon his lap.
The Bishop smiled, and took a pistol by the muzzle in a most gingerly manner of distaste. “I have never set off a firearm but once,” he mused, “and by accident it hit a grocer.”
“Pooh!” said I, grinning, “’tis all one, whether of design or accident. The hole is blown, and the poor groaning soul slides ​through. And I call you to witness that ’tis not so much for the meddling of your own fingers as to secure the weapons out of my own reach, and for the sake of these insolent suspicions.”
“I do you wrong, Ryder,” said the Bishop gravely, “I do you wrong. But I will have none of these detestable things about me.” And he pushed them from him with a little grimace of disgust.
“Why, then, let us begin,” I urged. “And if you will take my mare, I will put us both upon the proper way to a comfortable retirement.”
“And my Lord Petersham,” said the Bishop, with a twinkle in his eye, “must wait?”
“Faith, and he must,” I answered, “until our stomachs are filled, when I will myself conduct you upon the road.”
“Captain Ryder,” said the Bishop, lurching clumsily out of the carriage, “I am much in your debt for your insistence.”
The darkness had now fallen pretty thick, and the snow lay deep and soft underfoot; ​but we made safely, if at some pains, down the bye-road which led to Wretford, the Bishop a black lump upon Calypso, and myself straddling the carriage horse which his servant had left. The wind took us in the hindquarters only, and for that I was glad, as it stung like a thousand knives upon the naked face. I was mightily pleased to be out of that bleak night and stowed in a snug warm house: and in this regard I’ll warrant the Bishop was none behind me. The inn was empty; but the chamber into which the innkeeper showed us roared with flaming logs, and at the first glow of the light upon the wooden walls the Bishop turned to me and smiled. “We shall do well,” he says, “if the supper be in any keeping with this show of comfort.”
“And by the Lord, my lord,” I put in, “you may trust Dick Ryder for that.”
“And now,” says he, still smiling and very affably, “is it you that dine with me, or am I determined as the guest?”
“My lord,” said I, bobbing to. him, for I would take him in his own vein, “we gentle​men of the road claim the honours of the road; and if you will receive the hospitality of the road, your lordship’s invitation shall stand over for a better occasion.”
I think he was affected by the impudence of my offer, as indeed I had meant him to be, for he chuckled ever so softly, and turning to the fire warmed his hands. “So be it, Ryder, so be it,” he said.
My stomach was tolerable enough when the feast was served, and I clapped my spurs under the chair and fell to with all my teeth. And none so backward was his lordship, neither. He snuffed up the rich odours of the stuffed veal with his inordinate nostrils; he breathed in the fine-smelling spiceries with an air; and he took possession of the table with magnificent and easy pomp. The dignified behaviour of the creature, so incongruous to his circumstances, tickled me rarely, and I could have slapped my thigh to see me there, squatting over against such company, with all the graces of an Earl at Court. And first he flings me out his napkin and spreads it evenly across ​his belly. “And now,” says he, “a little grace, Ryder, will come convenient ’twixt you and me. We must e’en consecrate a feast derived one knows not whence.”
He spoke so smooth and with so gentle a sarcasm that I should have been a sorry knave to have taken any offence out of his words. Indeed, I had no disposition now to look upon anything save with humour, and the phrase was pat enough in all knowledge.
“If your reverence,” says I, “cannot muster prayers for both, why I’ll make shift to furbish up a tag for myself.”
“’Tis part of our episcopal duty,” he returned, “to take charge of these small courtesies to our Maker.” And with that, having muttered a scrap or so—which did well enough for me, God knows!—he whipped up a knife and fell on the victuals.
There was a fulness about his hunger which was much to my mind. The fire roared behind him, and the room was very pleasantly filled with warmth and perfume. I cannot bring to mind that we spoke much or of consequence ​for the first ten minutes. But somewhere about the third course (an extremely well jugged hare), and when for my own part the edge of my appetite was blunting, I looked up and met the Bishop’s eye, which was fixed upon me meditatively. He raised his glass and sipped of the claret slowly; set it down upon the table; and pinching up his eyes the while, stared thoughtfully from it to me and from me to it again.
“Of a cold hard night, Ryder,” said he, picking out his words, “a warm soft wine lines a stomach gratefully. We oppose opposites in the meetest sense; and, to take my own poor judgment, the frankest advice, if it be for the common comfort, consists with the most polite and sacred usages of society. This wine——?” He paused and inquired of me in silence.
I brought my fist with a thump upon the board. “Sink me for a scurvy worthless loon,” said I angrily, for I was in a blush of shame to have played so evil a trick on him. I took a draught myself, and plumped down ​the glass with an oath. “’Tis so, by Heaven,” I said; “cold harsh stuff and biting to the vitals.” And I sprang at the door to call upon mine host.
“I felt,” explained the Bishop politely, “that some point was askew in a dinner else so perfect.”
I roared to the landlord, who came falling up the stairs in his fuss and fright. I took him in by the shoulders and drubbed him with round abuse. “Perish my soul,” I cried, “you filthy tapster, to fub off upon the Bishop and me, this griping verjuice, that is fit not even for a surfeit of swine! Are we gutter hogs,” I said, “to swill on swipes and sour the edges of our teeth on vinegar? And his lordship there of as delicate a stomach as any lady in the straw!”
There was never a wretch made so mean a figure as the rascal when I had him by the collar under this storm; but the Bishop said nothing till the fool was got off, shambling in a fit of terror, to his cellars. Then he lay back and looked at me very mildly.
​“There is a certain rough vigour in your tongue, Ryder,” said he, “and of scurril terms you have a most remarkable empire. But it sounds so strangely in my ears that it has fallen with something of a clap upon me. I will not criticise my host,” says he, “and to cross the habits of a life smacks of a meddling Anabaptist. But, an you must march in your full habit as a man, ‘Bishop’ were best left unsaid, Ryder, and ‘his lordship’ might with profit hold over till the blood runs cool. You will observe that I tuck up my apron for convenience.”
“You speak well, my lord,” I replied penitently, “and if you will be so good as shrive me for the sacrilege, split me, I’ll hold by your directions for the future.”
And here came the flasks with the innkeeper, which, uncorking, we dipped our noses in a rare old Burgundy. My lord held up his head and blinked at me good-humouredly across the table. “For all that I will not deny,” said he, “the value of such vigour.”
We drank again. The wine was rarely ​generous. The Bishop drained his glass and poured it full afresh. He beamed at me, and twirled the shank between his fingers and against the light.
“’Twas an admirable thought, Ryder,” he said, smiling, “that you should have recalled this inn. I wonder, now, where that laggard coachman of mine may be?”
“Deep to his neck in drifts,” says I, with a laugh.
“’Twould be a pity,” said the Bishop, shaking his head, “an ill bed upon a bitter night. But let us hope,” he added cheerfully, “that the rascal is kicking his heels by a comfortable fire.”
“And drinking some such noble liquor as his master,” I put in.
The Bishop laughed, showing his fine white teeth. He laughed, and drank again. “And yet,” said he, moralising, “rightly thought on, Ryder, these afflictions and visitations of the weather have still their divine uses.” I cocked my eye at him, in wonder, to see him break out in this preaching fashion. “They teach ​us, Ryder, to cast up the blessings of our homes, and they are uncommon fine in titillating an appetite,” he ended, with a chuckle.
“And a thirst, by your lordship’s leave,” I added, addressing myself to the wine.
The Bishop’s eyes followed the dusty flask, and lingered upon it with thoughtfulness. “We will have another,” said I, promptly, rising to my feet.
“Another?” said the Bishop dubiously.
“Why, yes, another,” I repeated, with decision, “I am no sand-bed, but I am no stop-the-bottle, neither.”
“Well, then, another,” assented the Bishop, with a sigh.
When I took my seat again, the Bishop was contemplating me with some curiosity. “You have a wife, Ryder?” he asked.
“I have as good,” I answered, “and as pretty a doxy as lives this side of London. Here’s to her health,” says I.
The Bishop took out his snuff-box, and, tapping it very carefully, “I do not know,” said he, “if there be any sufficient authority ​for the relation in canon law, but ’twill serve, doubtless, for my argument.”
“And for our toast, my lord,” said I stoutly. The Bishop looked at me, his eyes twinkled suddenly, and he lifted his glass. “And for our toast, as you have well observed, Ryder,” he agreed.
In the pursuit of my business I have had occasion to mingle in a variety of company. I have dined with the Lord Chief Justice—not with his will, to be sure; I have encountered a Royal Prince; and I have entertained several noble ladies and gentlemen of title upon compulsion. Altogether I have a tolerable acquaintance among the quality. But the Bishop was more to my taste than the most amiable among them; and when he spoke of Polly Scarlett in such kindly terms, the friendliness went straight to my heart, and I reached over my hand and stuck it at him.
“My lord,” says I, “you take me by the heart, and, ’fore Heaven, if you had a score of purses you should go free of the confraternity. As one gentleman of the road should speak to ​another, so do I speak to you. And now, if there be any toast your lordship may be nursing in his desires, do not smother it up,” said I, “but unwrap it and show it forth, and I will drink it, though it should be to the topsman himself.”
“I am under infinite obligations for the favour, Ryder,” said the Bishop, bowing at me, “but I fear I have no one for this honour.”
“Come,” I protested, “roll ’em all in your mind, my lord, and turn ’em over on your tongue. I’ll warrant there’s a pretty woman somewhere at the back.”
The Bishop seemed to consider, and shook his head gravely. “It appears, Ryder,” said he, “that you are too sanguine. We will leave the tribute where it stands.”
“Then,” I exclaimed, “sure, we will drink without it.” And I pushed over the flask.
The Bishop daintily filled his glass with his fat fingers, and we drank once more. His stomach merged over the table: it ranged collateral with the wine, and tickled me with the notion of some great vat beside the empty ​bottles. I shook with laughter, and the Bishop smiled genially. “Speaking as one gentleman of the road would to another, Ryder,” says he, “I declare I have never kept such disreputable company in my life.”
I have confessed the wine was rich and cordial: it flowed warmly through my veins, and set my head high and whirling like a weather-cock. And at this jest I fell to laughing louder, for the thrust appeared to me a piece of pretty wit. I smacked my thigh, and bellowed till the rheum ran over my eyes, and at last I pulled up and found the Bishop very quiet and fallen into a kind of abstraction. In my merry mood I took this ill; for a gentleman must needs complete a bargain to the end, and I hate your sour looks and solemn faces.
“Look’ee, my lord,” I cried, with some choler, “if ’tis my Lord Petersham that you are regretting, why have it out, and let us finish your thoughts aloud.”
The Bishop lifted his eyebrows with a faint expression of amusement. “I vow, Ryder,” ​said he, “that I had clean forgot my Lord Petersham.”
“That is well,” I returned, dropping back into my chair.
“But,” he continued, thoughtfully, “in truth, now that you recall me to my duty, I must remember also that pleasure has an end.”
He rose, and I rose with him. “My lord,” I said, for I was all for a long night, “it would ill become me to press you from your duty, but if you will consider the night——”
“Ah, Ryder,” he interrupted, smiling graciously, “pray do not beset a poor sinner with temptations.” He stood before the fire, warming his legs. “This has been a pleasant encounter,” says he, “and now I will keep you to your promise.”
As he put it in that way, I had no more words against his purpose, and, having settled the score, we set forth again upon the horses, myself this time upon Calypso. The night was still very bitter, but I, at least, was warm with wine, and I think the Bishop, too, was full enough for comfort. Yet the cold edge of ​the wind somewhat reduced my fervour, and where I was rolling three-parts-free in liquor ten minutes back, I was now mainly sobered and continent of all my senses. I knew the land by rote, and we proceeded easily by lanes and windings, through a grievous slush of snow, until, at the end of half an hour, we came out on the ridge of the hill (I knew it of old) which lies in the rear of my Lord Petersham’s castle.
At the cross-roads the Bishop reined in his horse, and turned to me. “I think, Ryder,” said he, but courteously, “that we shall be well quit of each other here. I make a dull companion for youth, and you have, doubtless, a long ride before you.”
“Dull,” says, I “be damned! I’ll wager upon you before all the bucks of town.”
The Bishop smiled. “So rich a testimony from yourself, Ryder,” he observed, “should go far to keep me in repute.”
“You may have it and welcome, my lord,” I answered. “And here,” I added, as a noise of wheels came up the hill, “no doubt you will find some friends with whom I may leave you.”
​I could hear the horses snorting and the heavy carriage creaking, as it strained slowly to the top.
“Ryder,” said the Bishop, after a pause, and looking at me quizzically, “I am like to eat worse dinners than to-night’s, and to meet much poorer entertainment.”
At that moment the heads of the horses came popping over the rise. “Why, as for entertainment,” says I jovially, for the Devil, somehow, took me all in a second, “’tis not all at an end, neither, I can promise you.” For the fancy caught me up of a sudden, and rapt me off in the maddest of whimsies; and as the carriage rolled out into the moonlight I beckoned the Bishop forward and rode up in his company. I was not two minutes over the business. There was the postilion imploring mercy on his knees, the woman shrieking, the gentleman himself swearing a stream of oaths, and my pistol through the window—the whole rare picture in a flash!
“Why, what is this?” stammered the Bishop in amazement. “What—why——” And his ​horse, backing and plunging under his clumsy handling, saved me the rest of his protest. But, seizing the bridle in my left hand, I forthwith brought his nose up to the window.
“Sir,” said I, politely, to the man in the coach, “the frost holds hard, and the snow lies heavy, and my friend and I, lacking purses of our own, must needs borrow of our neighbours to carry us to that excellent host, my Lord Petersham’s. And as on this great occasion of the Lady Mary’s marriage, we should think shame to do things with a niggard hand, why, we are fain to dip deep into your pockets. I am sure,” says I, with a glance at the lady, “that this lamentable condition of my friend in particular, for I am of younger and more vigorous blood, will merit the tender consideration of the sex.”
I could have fallen off the mare for laughter, and for the first time in the adventures of that night I caught a look of consternation stamped upon the Bishop’s face. But as for the couple in the coach, they made no more ado after their first emotion. I have the repute of a manner, ​which, though it becomes me little to brag of it, carries me forward in my business without much trouble. The purses were flung out (one, as I live, at the Bishop), the window was closed, and the horses were slapping down the hill, ere the Bishop’s face had lost its frown or his tongue found words. I turned and met him squarely, but I was in a sweat to keep from laughing. He bit his lip, and at the sight of his discomfiture, I could contain myself no longer, but broke into merriment. He was most horribly taken aback, I vow. But “This is unseemly, Ryder,” was all he said; repeating it sharply then and there, “This is unseemly.”
I gave him some foolish retort, for I was cackling like a hen, and, steering his horse round quickly, he started down the hill at a leisurely pace. But he had not gone very far ere I was on him, and catching at the reins of his horse, I gave him the barrel at his eye.
“Nay, nay, my lord,” says I, “’tis discourteous to take such brief leave of a friend and companion. You shall have your share, honourably enough. Dismiss your dudgeon. ​Meanness was never cried of Galloping Dick. We shall take part together. Come, you and I are engaged for a fine evening’s pleasuring.”
And with that I let him snatch a glimmer of the pistol. He stared at me reflectively for a space, with a frown upon his forehead, and then shrugged his shoulders after a foreign fashion of his. “It seems,” said he, “that, having made free with the Devil, I must e’en abide his company.”
“That is so,” I retorted on him, grinning, “and ’tis not the first time the Church has made friends with him.”
“’Tis a lesson,” said the Bishop, continuing his thoughts, “one might protest, against bodily indulgence.”
“Fie! fie!” says I, “a wit turned preacher?”
“I will have you observe, Ryder,” says he, with asperity, “that I am still your guest.” His ease had not deserted the man, even in his anger, and I would have made him a decent apology for the sneer, had not the rumble of approaching wheels distracted my attention.
“It appears,” said the Bishop calmly, “that ​the post is well chosen, and you are like to capture all his lordship’s guests.”
“We, my lord, we!” I cried, laughing. “Of myself, I make no pretensions to courage, but, bucklered with a fine fat fellow like yourself, I am fit to hold the road against a regiment of his Majesty.”
I declare that I had no anticipation of the event at the outset. The act was merely incidental; but when I smote the Bishop’s horse upon the rump, he put up his forelegs and plunged out upon the road, fetching his head, with a crash, through the window of the carriage as it pulled up. Confusion fell in a moment, and a frightened face shrank into the interior of the coach. The Bishop himself, for he was an indifferent horseman, being heavy above the saddle, was flung in a lump across the mane, and sat looking in at the window with a very red and angry face. He was a formidable fellow, with great thick eyebrows, and I swear it was as much the contortion of his ugly features as my own appearance with the pistol that finished the business on the spot. And he ​was scarce back in the seat ere the carriage was bowling away down the road. Then it was, perhaps, that I had most occasion to admire the man, for, righting himself with some labour, and settling his hat anew, he blew like a porpoise for some minutes. At the end he drew out his box with great difficulty, and, turning to me, tapped it after his habit; and, says he, snuffing: “That was the Lady Crawshaw,” says he. “’Twas the last week but one I dined with her.”
“I trust,” said I, “that she served your lordship well?”
“Indifferent, Ryder,” he declared, “indifferent only. She has a shrewish tongue, and can keep no cook of parts. Indifferent; and the wine, too, after a woman’s heart.” Then, “You will observe, Ryder,” he said, presently, “that I am an old man, and, however exciting the adventure, that the wind bites hard.”
“My lord,” I replied, bowing, for I was still under the spell of his demeanour, “I can ill afford to lose so useful a comrade, and there is ​the hedge for shelter against our next enterprise.”
Perhaps it was scarce what he had expected, but he made no reply.
I was already in excellent temper, for the humour of the affair fairly set my head buzzing; and on the next episode of the night I was flushed with my own roaring spirits, as though I had been still drunken in the inn. And no sooner was the sound of horses’ hoofs come up the hill but I caught the Bishop by the arm and, horse by horse, we took the road. “Here, comrade,” said I, “faith, we have, as it seems, a fuller job to our hands.” For at the moment two horsemen cantered into the cross-ways. “Two merry young bloods from London town,” says I, “who, I dare swear, have some spunk in the pair of them. But forward, forward, my bold cavalier! And we’ll lay the gallants by the heels ere they so much as darkle at us.” And clapping a pistol in the Bishop’s hand, I pricked up Calypso and rode forward to meet them.
I swept upon the two like a whirlwind, the ​Bishop by my side clinging to his pommel, his apron flapping indecorously in the wind; and ere they had sense of our business we were side by side with them under the light of the moon. At the first sight of my firearm the young buck upon the hither side drew up his reins with dispatch, and his beast came down upon its haunches, while the other opened his mouth and gaped vacantly at me.
“Hold, my pretty cullies,” says I smoothly, “for my lord and I have a little catechism for your ears.”
I tell the tale to my own discredit, but I was nigh mad with excitement and the humours of the evening had drove all my wits afloat. But the truth is that I saw the fellow fumbling at his holster, and my own pistol was at t’ other’s head; and so, with never a thought, I called merrily to the Bishop to stop him. “Show your mettle,” says I, laughing. “Show your mettle, my lord.”
“Why in sooth, with all my heart,” says the Bishop smartly. And with that, all of a sudden—damn me!—there was a cold nose at ​my temple, and the Bishop’s face, looking devilishly wicked, smirking into mine!
The thing took me sharply aback, and there was I, staring like a fool, and, for once in my life, with never a word to say for myself. But not so the Bishop. “’Tis a pretty sort of triangular duel,” says he pleasantly, “in which it seems I have the least to lose. But I trust it may be averted with a little discretion and humility. Drop your weapon,” says he sharply.
He had me as safe as a fowl trussed for the table, and I could do nothing but follow his order. Thereupon the two cravens, coming to themselves, and eager to be quit with sound skins and full purses, whipped round their horses and made off; and the Bishop and I were left together in the road. My lord regarded me maliciously, and at last, breaking into a something foolish laugh, I found my tongue. “Why, one gentleman of the road to rob another!” says I. “’Tis monstrous, my lord.”
“You will have a better knowledge of the etiquette than myself, who am but a novice, Ryder,” says he, mightily pleased with himself
​“For a guest to rum-pad his host!” I urged. “’Tis beyond all manners.”
“Faith, I am so new to the trade that you must pardon me if I am blind to these delicate distinctions,” says the Bishop, chuckling.
“Come,” I remonstrated, “this jest is after all in ill season. Put down that pistol.”
“The thought came into my head of a sudden,” mused the Bishop. “Indeed, it was of your own inspiration.”
“An’ you do not,” I cried angrily; “the Devil take me but I will shortly blast your ugly head from off your shoulders.”
“And ’twas well I took lessons from so excellent a master as yourself,” returned the Bishop unperturbed. “It had been disastrous to have mistook the barrel.”
“Well,” says I sulkily, “if you will act with this gross dishonour, pray, what terms are you pleased to make?”
“Why, here is reason,” says the Bishop smiling, “and a very proper spirit of contrition. And, for the night does not mend and my bones are old, I will not keep you longer. ​First, and to secure the good name of the Church which stands committed in myself, you shall return me all those purses.”
“Half had been your share without this foolish piece of comedy,” says I surlily.
“Which,” he went on, still smiling, “I will endeavour to restore to their several owners.
“Secondly, you will retire to the foot of the crossways, and I myself will watch you gallop out of sight within three minutes of the clock. Thirdly—,” quoth he.
“Thirdly,” says I, with a laugh. “Why here is all the fashion of a sermon!”
“And this,” he observed, “is a point to which I will entreat your best attention—you will rescind my invitation to the Palace, which, you will recall, was bespoke in general, not in particular. And, for corollary to this same item, Ryder,” says he, with a whimsical look, “should we meet, as by some strange chance of Heaven we may, I exact that you shall not hail me for a boon fellow before the world.”
“Offered,” said I suddenly, “like a worthy ​Bishop, and accepted like a good highwayman. And here’s my hand on it,” says I.
And at that, flinging off Calypso, I sprang up at him and clutched the wrist that held the pistol.
The Bishop was fat and old and awkward, but for all that he was no child at pap, and he made a gallant wrench or two for liberty. He struggled with my hands, heaving his poor old shoulders up and down with stiff ungainly motions till I fell to laughing again, and had well-nigh desisted for laughter. But then, all of a sudden, there came a sharp little crack, a hard smack fell on my leg, and the flesh of it pinched and burned and tingled as if it had been scratched by the Devil. I hopped and danced upon the snow, and swore out my soul; and then, jerking out my sword, I limped forward, and, seizing the Bishop’s bridle, put the point swiftly to his breast. He never blenched, but looked critically and with interest at my leg.
“That,” says he mournfully, “is but my second shot, and the pity of it is that both hit of accident.”
​I could not have helped it; his face and the words set me off once more; and dropping my blade I put my knuckles in my hips and shouted with laughter.
The Bishop waited, and when at length I came to a pause he looked at me with interrogation. “I suppose,” says he, “that I shall not now have even my own half of the booty?”
“Take it,” I shouted, bursting out afresh, “take it all, and go in God’s name, or whoever be your master. I would not rid the establishment of such a pillar—no, not for salvation from the Pit.”
And, flinging the bags at his apron, I mounted Calypso and rode off, laughing still.