# Painted Rock/Chapter 9

IX
THE TALE OF BRAZOS DICK
He was always known as Brazos Dick. Like so many of the men in the West, and for the matter of that the men in all other places, he was for ever shooting off his mouth about the glories of the place he had come from. He said that the feed on the range at the back of Ennis Creek was a fraud compared with that on the Brazos River, especially on the North Fork where he had been born. He was also of opinion that the horses in that neighbourhood were away above any horses raised within a hundred miles of the Colorado, on which river Painted Rock stands. He also said that no man's father came within a thousand miles of his father either as a man or a "buckero," which was his way of pronouncing "vaquero." He also let on that ​his father's son was a real daisy and knew all there was to know about horses and steers, but he did it all with such a delightful air of confident innocence that no one took offence or attempted to show him that he did not know everything. He was a dear good chap, kind to horses and dogs, and to all men who weighed less than himself. They were numerous, as he scaled two hundred and twenty pounds without his long boots and his mesquite leggings and his "gun," which was equal to any gun ever "pupped." He became a friend of mine, and developed an extraordinary curiosity about other places than the Rio Brazos which led to certain out-of-the-way events in the life of any ordinary cowboy. He asked questions all day long when we were together. When we were apart he apparently spent his time thinking what he should ask me next. The following is a fair example of what happened each time we met.
"Say, Charlie, you've never bin in California, hev you?"
I had been in the Golden State, and said so.
"Do you reckon to like it?"
​"Oh, it's all right."
"Tell us all about it, Charlie. What's wages like thar? 'Tain't all wheat, is it? Is San Francisco any sort of a town? Would I like it? Was you ever to Sacramento? I've heard that Sacramento is as hot as Yuma. Is it? Is there many cowboys in the State? I'd admire for you to tell me about California. For an Englishman I must say that you're death on travel and hev seen some. Go ahead, old son."
Another day he would rope me in to tell him all that there was to be told about British Columbia.
"I'd hev gone thar, Charlie, if it hedn't bin British. Thar ain't no true freedom where your flag flies. Is it true they'd hang me if I killed a man fair that I hated and hed sent word to that I'd shoot on sight?"
"It's mighty likely, Dick."
He shook his head with great disgust.
"I call that a hell of a country," said Dick. "Now tell us more about your town, London. Did you say that it would reach hayf way from thishyer ranch to Painted Rock, and is ​there more folks in it than in the hull o' Texas? Oh, I say, it must be a place that! Though it is British I'd admire to see it. Is it a gay place? Gayer than San Antone? B'gosh I'd admire to see it, so I would."
He was never tired of talking about places that he had never seen. He differed from the average Western American of the stay-at-home variety in not believing that what he had not seen was not worth seeing. But he owned that he found it a little humiliating to have to come to an Englishman for information about Missouri and Oregon and Washington Territory.
"It ain't the same thing askin' you for pointers about your own country," he said very kindly. "It ain't up agin me any that my stock of knowledge about London and England is scanty to a painful degree, but I own it smites me hard that you know nigh on to all the States in the Union and all I know is somethin' of the Texas Panhandle, with a few tangled memories of a jamboree in San Antone and Fort Worth. I tell you, Charlie, I'm death on hittin' the road and seein' things. ​If my pore ole father ever kicks I've made up my mind to pull my freight out of this and travel. Tell me how much it would take for me to cross the seas and see London. I'm death on seein' London. Lord, hayf the way from yer to Painted Rock and houses all the way!"
Whenever he came into Painted Rock he let on that he was pining in the sorest way to see London, until the boys began to call him "London" instead of "Brazos." He didn't mind it in the least, for he was the best-tempered boy between the Arkansaw River and the Rio Grande.
"Shoot off your mouths," said Dick, "but you will be mad when I come back and tell you about the biggest City in the world that ole N'York ain't so much as a patch on. If N'York was as big as London the galoots from the East would be too big for their boots. I ain't stuck on men from the East, and it is pie to me to think that their derned ole city ain't as big as the one they hev over in England. It ain't that I like Englishmen much, though Charlie here is all hunky in his own way, but ​I'm down on them that comes from the East, I'm down on 'em every time. So's Mr. Pillsbury, and so's Keno Gedge, and Ginger Gillett lets on he fair despises 'em. What's poison to a man like Gillett gives me indigestion."
Nobody paid any attention to Dick's avowed intention of visiting England. They didn't believe him. England was a long way off, and nothing to brag about anyhow. Everyone knew that. Pillsbury the gambler voiced the general opinion.
"What good men are left in that kentry keep on comin' away," said Pillsbury. "Statistics prove it. And the makin' of the United States was the loss of England, and we bein' made the remainder ain't worth seein'. And, moreover, I despise Yeurope, all Yeurope. There they sits in their little kentries, each howlin' he's the boss of the Universe, like rival roosters on dung piles, and here we sits lookin' at 'em and smilin', and knowin' that we could whip the lot one-handed. Oh, give us a rest about England and London, Dick, do give us a rest."
​Dick gave them all a rest. But he didn't give it me. By the end of the year he knew as much about gettin' to "Yeurope" cheaply as I did.
"I ain't goin' by way of N'York," said Dick. "When the old man pulls his freight for another world,—and he says, poor ole Dad, that he's only waiting for the word 'Gee' to make a move,—I'll fix up with Sam Smith to run my place, and I'll hit the road for Noo Orl'ans and get aboard for England. If I hit N'York first I'm sadly afraid I'll stick there like as if I was in a sloo. There's a powerful draw in a big city, so there is. Now San Antone——"
A month afterwards I was riding on the prairie by Wolf Creek, where the road from Snyder comes into town, and I saw Dick in the distance. He was clad in his best clothes and mesquite leggings, and had a new necktie on, a blazing red one with black spots on it, and wore a new cow-hat. When he saw me he let a yell out of him and came loping up joyfully.
"What luck!" said Brazos, "what luck! ​I'm glad to see you, my son, for I'm off this day for London!"
He sat upright in the saddle, and smiled bravely at me. Certainly he was a fine handsome boy. But I had not heard of old Dick's "pulling his freight" for another world. I said so.
"Oh," said Dick, "you didn't hear of it! Poor old Paw went off ten days ago. He went out with all his load very easy: smiled at me, he did, and said he'd hed a good life of it, takin' it all round; and he said, moreover, that I'd bin a good son to him (which ain't in the least trew, but it pleased me to hev him let on thataway), and that he was goin' home to Maw, who died when I was a year old. And so he died."
There was a tear in his eye as he spoke, but he brushed it away, pretending that it was a fly.
"But you ain't in any sort of mourning, Dick," I ventured to say.
"Oh," he replied blankly enough, "ain't I? I tho't the black spots on the neckerchief was mournin'. I wanted to sport one without ​spots, but I said 'no' to myself, 'not till you're well away from home.'"
I said that perhaps the black spots were enough, and he cheered up. We rode back to Painted Rock together.
"You come to the deepô on the quiet when the next East-bound express rolls threw," said Dick, "and say good-bye to me. I feel some shook up, and partial skeered at the notion of seein' England, but I'm bound to do it."
He was bound to try to do it, at any rate, for he started on the next express, without a soul knowing he was gone but myself. I told the boys that night, and Pillsbury shook his head.
"Fort Worth will slake his ardour and get his money," said the gambler. "At the very farthest Noo Orl'ans will see him and go one better. Brazos Dick will be crawlin' back hyar in about a week, beatin' his way along the T.P."
But for two months not a word was heard of Dick. I began to think that he had perhaps got through the entanglements of "Noo ​Orl'ans," and was really in London. I sighed to think of Piccadilly and Fleet Street and Charing Cross. I saw the crowds and heard the perpetual thunder of the traffic, and remembered many old friends by whom I was half forgotten. I cursed poor Brazos Dick for making me feel that I was in exile on the high plateaus of north-west Texas.
Then I went one day to Sweetwater on business, and caught by the skin of my teeth the late express back to Painted Rock. As I went into the dimly-lighted smoker I looked around me for any acquaintance, and the very first person I set eyes on was Brazos Dick. But the boy was fast asleep, with his long legs outstretched on the opposite seat as far as the uncomfortable carriage would let them go. I sat down by Brazos, wondering if he had really been to London. I looked up into the rack overhead and saw, instead of his cow-hat, a bowler! In its ribbon was the conductor's slip for the ticket. I took it down, and inside it I read "London. Extra Quality!" The boy had done it then. He had been to my little town and had seen the ​wheels go round, without a doubt. I wondered what he had seen, what he had done. And yet, after all, what could a mere wild Western cowboy have seen or done in a fortnight in England? When I said that I forgot how much had sometimes happened to myself in a few days. I remembered and sighed. Then Brazos sighed and yawned and woke up.
"What, Charlie!" he said as he uncoiled.
"Brazos, old man," said I. We shook hands.
"You got there, Dick?"
"You bet. I got there!"
"Like it?"
"Oh, blazes! can I tell? I'm glad to be back. Say, tell me is this Texas, old man? Is there such a place? I'd admire to hear there's a kentry called the Panhandle! Did any son of a gun ever mention the River Brazos to you?"
"You've had a time?"
Brazos sighed.
"Amazin'!"
"Good?"
"Sir, there ain't words——"
​"Really?"
"Wonderful. Charlie, I'm speechless. I seen your town, Charlie!"
He shook his head.
"Made me feel like a kid."
"Tell us!" said I. "D'ye know Piccadilly?"
"I began thar," he whispered. "Oh, I had a holy terror of a time. Piccadilly! I should smile. And Pall Mall and the Strand and Oxford Street! I admire. I tho't I knew somethin', Charlie, I did! And me green as spring on the range. Me know anythin'!"
"Tell me what happened?"
Could any Londoner, any man born in London, and for years subdued to its enchantments, be otherwise than crazy to hear what this big child had done there?
"Wait," said Brazos. "I'll hev to tell the boys. We ain't far from Painted Rock. We'll go to the American House and I'll stand up and say to them, 'Hev a liquor with me, a kid as used to know nothin' and now knows he's green ez grass.' Wait."
​He was full of everything, and yet couldn't speak. I could see that. He needed a little oil; just a cocktail, or something equivalent, to set him free. But I let him hold his tongue. We were near the Rock. Presently we reached it. He took his grip-sack and got out. The depôt was dark enough,—not a soul spotted him in his bowler. We walked up town together.
"Painted Rock," said Brazos, "Painted Rock, a little one-hoss collection of shanties in a perairie! London, oh, my!"
We walked into the American House and found the usual gang there, Pillsbury and Gedge, and Gillett the City Marshal, taking a drink.
"What ho!" said Pillsbury, "here's our pilgrim from Noo Orl'ans kem back again! What did I say, boys? I told you that Noo Orl'ans would ketch holt of young Dick, if he got so far. Did you, Brazos?"
"I did, Mr. Pillsbury," said Brazos calmly.
"Like it? Was the gals daisies?" asked Gillett.
"I never seen one of 'em," replied Brazos. ​"Gentlemen, step up and breast the bar and drink with me. I'm glad to be back!"
There was something in Brazos that struck them all. He certainly wasn't so young. He spoke with an air. Something of his ancient ingenuous look had disappeared. The men knew he was one of them.
"We will," said they.
"Here's to Texas and to you, gentlemen," said Brazos, "and to London Town!"
"Eh?" said Pillsbury.
"London Town; London in England," said Brazos.
"You've bin thar?"
"Yep," said Brazos.
"Straight?"
"As a straight flush," said Brazos.
They stared at him.
"You don't say! Why, you ain't bin gone six weeks!"
"Eight," said Brazos. "Six weeks at sea, one in London, and one away in the perairies and mountings in the no'th of England. Boys, it's a town! Boys, it's a kentry!"
The news went around. In twenty ​minutes, nay, in ten, the bar-room was as full as if there had been a killing there an hour before.
"Tell us!" they said. "D'ye mean to say——"
"Oh, I mean it!"
They appealed to me.
"You know London, Charlie. Is it a straight game Brazos is playin' with us?"
I said it was as straight as any game ever played. I took his hat and showed them. They sighed and turned again to Dick.
"Tell us, Dick."
"Yes, do," said I. "Give Dick a chance, boys. Don't smother the weary wanderer."
"Get on the table, Dick," said the bar-keep.
"Good word," cried Pillsbury. "Give Dick a chair. Boys, Mr. Dick of the Rio Brazos will lecksher on that haunt of tyrants, Britain!"
The room hummed applause. And Dick, in spite of his remonstrances, was hoisted on the table.
"We stand the leckshurer drinks," said Pillsbury. Dick drank and took a seat.
​"Give it lip! We'd admire to hear," said many.
"Hold your row!" said others. "Oh, shut your mouths and give Dick's a show! Speak up, Dick."
And Dick spoke up.
"I said I'd go, and go I did. Mr. Pillsbury here allowed I'd get bogged down in Fort Worth or Noo Or'lans, but I didn't. Charlie here gave me the straight racket, and to add to my luck I run across a sea-captain in the cars near Noo Orl'ans as got into a difficulty with a tough in the cars, and, as he said, bein' a stranger in a far kentry he didn't know how to handle toughs. I walked in and choked that tough good, and me and the conductor booted him off'n the cars, and thishyer sea-captain was much obliged. And he said (his name was Daniel Tuckett of the steamship Liverpool Belle), 'You want to go to London, do you? Well, you come along o' me and I'll plant you in London River for a little over four bits a day' (half a crown he called it), 'and we'll be goin' about three weeks, and for a friend in need like you I'll do it for less.' And he done ​it, for he charged me ten dollars all the way, and the grub was throwed in, not to say it was good, but they had no better. And so I went to sea with him, and the first thing I knew was that I couldn't eat, and it alarmed me caunsiderable. I said to the captain—'I cayn't eat. It's the first time this hez occurred.' Says he, 'Bimeby, in about half an hour, you'll be doin' much worse than not eat' 'Why?' says I. 'It's sea-sickness comin' on you,' says he. 'I never heerd of it,' I tells him. He replies, 'Then it'll surprise you all the more.' And it did. I wuz that sick for three days there's no tellin' about it. It's worse a deal than too much liquor, for that comes to an end in time, and this seems a fair stayer and no fatal error. However, bimeby I gets over it and feels very good, and gets out on deck and fell about some, the boat bein' unsteady, and the sea like a rollin' perairie, and very uninterestin', as I told the captain. And he says the sea's always thataway or too interestin', and he tells me a fair horrid yarn about a wreck. I disremember all the details, but I remember they scared me some. And so ​we goes on, and after a thousand years, boys, we sees a light, and he says; 'That's the Lizard.' 'What Lizard?' I asked, and he laughed some and said it was the tail of England; and so we sails along up a place called the Channel, though I seen only parts of one side to it, and at nights there was towns strung all along like lighted cars, very handsome to see. And we got around a corner with more lights, and into a river. He tells me, 'This is the finest river in the world,' and I didn't contradict him none, though I tho't of the Brazos and my own home perairies. And the green grass was curious to see. And then we seen millions of steamboats and ships, and smoke ahead like a perairie fire. And I asked Tuckett where the fire was, and he said it was London. It made me sad to think I'd come so far to find her burnt up, and when I said so he sat down and nearly died. It appears, boys, they burns coal in London town all the year in several million fireplaces, and don't see the sun ever in consequence. And then the river narrowed and there was more houses, and then so thick no green could be seen ​anywhere, and then more, and it was London. And Tuckett takes my ten dollars and says if I wants to go back in a month he can take me, and if in less a friend of his will, and he gives me the address of a hotel, but I didn't go to it. I went to one Charlie here told me of, near the Strand. But I thanked old Tuckett all the same, for he was a good sort. And I got into a kaib, a kind of London buggy, and we drives seventeen thousand miles, more or less, through streets, and at last comes to a narrow sort of cañon where my house is. And I gets a room there, and the gal that showed it to me smiled and says, 'You're an American, ain't you?' I didn't deny it, but how she knew so quick beat me. And my trouble begun that very night, boys. And now I'll hev another drink."
"What'll you take?" asked Keno Gedge, who was very much interested in spite of the fact that gambling had no show that night.
"B'urbon, sir," said Dick. He drank and began again.
"Well, gentlemen, soon as I was fixed up, ​I took my gun, which I hedn't carried on board the ship, and loaded her and shoved her in my hip-pocket, and out I goes. It was nigh on to nine o'clock then, and the clurk in the office seeing me going out, says, 'Don't lose your way, sir,' and I says, 'D'ye think I'm a tender-foot, sonny?' But I forgave him. I went into the Strand, and sure enough I knew I was a tender-foot. Charlie here useter let on about the Strand and moan over it some, sayin' that Painted Rock was dull to it in spite of occasional gunning matches: I tell you here, Charlie was right. It was gay and lighted and busy as if the hull world was there. And ladies came up and spoke to me kindly, saying they could see I was a stranger, and I said, 'Not so strange ez that, ma'am,' and I bowed myself off and wandered threw Trafalgar Square, very hunky with fountains and a monument to some Englishman that fought in the wars. It was a real gay old monument, with lions to it handsome as paint, but not like any I ever see in books, and certainly not like our 'cougars.' And ez I went several strangers spoke to me, ​saying they see I was strange; and I put 'em off, for I reckoned to hev heard of bunco-steerers before then, and I got along up to a Circus—the Circus of Piccadilly. This was gay as a festival, and the number of buggies and omnibuses was tremenjus. I tried to cross the street three times, and each time went back agin; and then at last a big police officer led me across like a little child, and he said, 'You're an American?' I said, 'Howdy know? but I am. Kin you come and hev a drink?' But he said he couldn't, but he'd no objection to drink my health later. So I said I'd do the same to him later, and went away. And from what I learnt afterwards I reckon he reckoned to be donated two bits to do it with, but I didn't know. And then I see a place where they says 'Amer'can drinks.' I hez one, and I tells the bar-keep that they wuz doubtless drinks, but I warn't sure they wuz Amer'can. He surprised me some by sayin', 'They cayn't be as Amer'can ez you, my son, for I own what I mix cayn't be known to kem from Arizona a mile off.' And I owned that he hed me thar, though it ​was Texas I originated in. It appeared he was an Amer'can, and we talked a bit, and he told me hayf the men in the bar-room was the worst sort. And I went out later and wandered here and thar and everywhere, and finding it mighty lonely, though as full of interest as any dime novel, boys. But I begun to feel as if I hed to hev someone to speak to or bust, and that skeered me some, for ez a stranger in a great city at night I feared I'd fall into bad company. And perhaps my lookin' s'if I was from Texas made folks speak to me. And you see, boys, I'm tall and big, and there wuz few bigger on the street than me. And my cow-hat seemed to excite cur'osity. And then about this time the streets was plumb full, a regular jam of gals and gentlemen—fellers in a rig-out I'd never seen beefore, mostly shirt-front and studs, cur'ous to see, but what for I didn't tumble to. The street was thick with the London buggies, queer concerns with a man on top at the back of 'em, with his lines goin' over the front, the derndest arrangement I ever heerd of. And there was trouble ​for me comin' along, and I never knew it. My cur'osity was too big to allow me to fall a victim to wiles, gentlemen, but I'd never been in a crowd beefore bigger than a crowd in Painted Rock at an election or a fight, and presently I run into a man as big as myself, him in the white-shirt arrangement beefore spoken of, and it appears I trod on his toes, and he swears some. So I says I was sorry; and so I was, for I'm heavy, boys, and my foot ain't a number three by no means. But he was a gentleman and no mistake, and says, 'All right, my son,' or words to thet effec', and we parts. And yet hayf an hour later the terms him and me wuz on would surprise you. And as to where we wuz and who he wuz, I leave you to guess while I hez another drink."
"Who was he, Dick?" asked the crowd anxiously.
"And where did you get to?"
"And did you and him get friends?"
"We done so," said Dick, wiping his lips with a silk handkerchief. I saw something in the corner of that handkerchief ​which gave me a surprise. It was a coronet.
"We done so," repeated Dick. "But I'm running ahead of the team. I walked along considerin' what a dern cur'ous world it was; thinkin' that this hed bin goin' on ever since I knew Texas, every night so to speak, and me thinkin' Fort Worth was the crowdest place on earth. And I tho't of some you hyar gentlemen, some of the youngest ez lets on they knows everythin'. And I remember Charlie lookin' at some of you very peaceful and contented when you allowed he was green because he didn't know somethin' as you did. And I says, 'Dick, my son, it's possible some folks in Texas is as green as grass after all.' And the tho't of them as I knowed was green struck me powerful, and I laffed. And I goes into a back street, called, I think, Jackville Street, with few folks in it, and I yells, I fair yells, boys. 'Tain't no good denyin' it, I saw I was green. And just then the same son of a gun as I'd trod the foot off of turns up Jackville Street, Picc'dilly, and paysses me. And jus' then I hears a scream ​further up the street, and I opens the flaps of my ears at this. So did the White-Shirt. I makes three strides and paysses him, and further up in a doorway I sees three big galoots hed a gal in a doorway, and her cryin', and one big brute hammerin' her. And White-Shirt he sees me payss and kems alongside again, and he says, 'Bullies,' and I says, 'To be sewer.' 'We'll down 'em.' says he, and I lets on I'm his sort. And we goes for the three, and beefore I knew it there was four; and White-Shirt and me was havin' the time of our lives. I downs one joker and one other downs me. And then there was five of 'em somehow. They sprang up like feed after rain in spring, boys. But White-Shirt was gay and tough, and he fair massacreed one tough with one blow, and again there was four. And one downs me again, and I got fair mad and got up again and I pulls my gun. And White-Shirt, who to all appeerance had eyes in the back of his head, says, 'Don't shoot, sonny, give him the butt;' and I give it my joker, and the sight I made of him would have done you all good to see. So then ​there was only three again; and White-Shirt plugs another, and he upended and investigated the material of the side-walk with the back of his head, and then there was two. And now to them two was added about three hundred women, and five hundred chaps in white shirts, and a thousand police, and me and one of the remaining gang went waltzing through 'em, and my own big White-Shirt he had the other. And I lands mine again and again with the butt, and then I got that mad I said to myself I'd shoot and kill. And I shot, but didn't kill, for White-Shirt did up his man and knocked up my arm as my gun went off into the air. And we all went down in a heap, us and the thousand police as they calls the bulls. And I owns I knows no more, for they squeezed the life out of me, tons of 'em. And when I came to, I and White-Shirt was bein' led gently up steps in a dark court, and so far's I reklec' we had an interview with a very fierce white-head old jayhawk at a table, and I hears White-Shirt say very angry, 'If you won't bail my friend out, I'll be derned if ​you shall me,' And the old hawk says, 'Well, my lord, if that's your decision we'll try to make you all hunky till the mornin'. For two of these men 'as their skulls fractured, and your friend fired his gun and no fatal error.'"
He asked for another drink.
"Was he a lord, then?" asked the entire crowd.
"He was," said Dick. "And I ain't goin' to say he was much the worse for that. I doubt if any man in Painted City could do him up with his hands, if biting and gouging was forbid. However, to resoom. I found myself in the early dawn in a narrer room without much accommodation to stretch in. I was in the cooler, and I felt very cool and sad to think whar I'd landed. However, the bull brings me cawfee, which was all I could take, and he grins at me s'if he was pleased. And I asked him where the lord was. And he said he was in the next room; and he let on that it was lucky for me the men we'd killed (if we'd killed any, but he warn't sure) was bad characters and known to the police; ​and he said, furthermore, that it was also lucky my partner was Lord Cheviot, a gay kind of a rooster, and very popular with everybody. For it seems that the magistrates are skeered to do very much to lords, because they are so powerful. 'It's likely you'll be all hunky,' says the officer. 'I wouldn't be alarmed much, my son.' And I wasn't. And at half after ten me and White-Shirt was took out and presented to a nice old gentleman with gold-rimmed spectacles on, sitting high up. A policeman interduces us, mentioning that we distinguished ourselves the night before in Jackville Street. And the old gent looked very stern, but I seemed to see that White-Shirt knew him, and he says to me, 'It's all right, my boy,' says White-Shirt. And I says, 'Well, my lord, if it ain't it cayn't be helped.' And then a policeman let on that the Johnnies we'd gone for wuz in hawspital. 'What, all of 'em?' asks the old gent. 'All, your reverence,' says the officer. And the old boy caungratulates Lord Cheviot on his record. And my lord says what happened, and the police ​fetches in the gal they jokers was hammerin', and she tells the trewth, with a black eye, and sobbin', pore thing. And what they done then I don't know, only that the old gent says he will caunfiscate my gun. With that I reemonstrates. 'Your reverence,' says I, 'what'll I do without my gun when I'm back hum to Texas?' And he allows fewer guns in Texas won't harm the State any. So I reckon he'd bin here, though from the look of him it didn't seem as if he'd ever roamed the perairies. And out we goes, me and the lord. The lord he done something and signed something, and so did I, and it seemed that if one of our victims finally perished we wuz to come up and be fined five shillings (which is a dollar and two bits) or take a week in the chain-gang. Then we goes out. And the lord says to me, 'Now, my son, you come along of me and tell me all about it.' And I likes him and his ways (and so would you if you'd seen him in the trouble), and we took a kaib and drove to his rooms in the further back parts of Picc'dilly.
"Waal, gentlemen, you may guess I was ​sure some perplexed to know haow to handle a lord, but it comforted me some to see that he had a black eye just like any other man. Lords I'd heerd of in books, and knowin' I was not in my own kentry, it seemed to me that a lord might be difficult, but this one was a gentleman and no fatal error. He treated me square, and seemed pleased to know me, and he said that I'd handled those fellers right. And when we came to his rooms, which was in Hayf Moon Street, he said 'Shake,' and I shook, and we washed off the blood in baths, and he loaned me a shirt, of which I was in sore need. And he had a man who bro't it to me and brushed me down very civil, and as quiet s'if he brushed cowboys from the Brazos every day, and presently he says, 'Sir, breakfast is on the table.' And I hed breakfast, of which I was in sore need. And the lord said, 'You're a daisy. Tell me where you come from, and what you're doin' here, for sure you saved my life, sonny.' And I instructed him haow I came here, and told him haow Charlie filled me up with London. I asked him if he knew you, Charlie, but he ​said he was sorry he didn't. Oh, he was very polite, though he cursed some at times. And I told him all I knew, and then he said he'd a raynch himself out in this kentry, somewhere up by the Staked Plain, and that he'd offen meant to kem out and see it, but that his raynches in the no'th of England took up his time some; and I asked him if the Queen's Court occupied him any, for I reckoned to know that lords hang around the Court; and he said he warn't stuck on the Court any, and preferred bein' on his own raynch. And, to cut the thing short, boys, he said, 'Dick, my boy, I like you, and ez you've little time to spare, you'd better take my man and see London, and in three days you can kem with me to my lordship's ranch in the no'th, and I'll show you some horses and cattle,' and I said I would. Boys, it was luck. For, what's more, he said my hotel warn't any good, and as I was to be with him he could give me a room in this Hayf Moon Street; and I said it was a dandy idea, and fetched my grip-sack away. So there I was all in with a duke, or a yearl, or a visscount, ​for I read a book in his place which told the names of lords. But final I found out he was a yearl. So I called him 'Yearl,' and he said I'd better not for some reason, but that if I liked I could call him 'Cheviot,' or, if I was any bashful. Lord Cheviot. But I reckoned he didn't like bashful folks any, so I called him Cheviot, and he called me Brazos, for I'd informed him what the boys called me to Painted Rock. And that night he said we'd dine together, and he fixed me up with a white-shirt suit same as himself, and I thought no small pertaters of myself, though I didn't understand it any; and to my etarnal surprise the same old magistrate that caunfiscated my gun came to dinner with us at a mighty dandy hash-house somewhere around. And the magistrate was as kind an old boy as ever I seen, and in spite of my noo soot he knew me right away, and smiled, oh, he did smile, and so did me and Cheviot. And I sot and told 'em all about Texas, boys, and about the ways we hez of havin' difficulties, and about Ben Thompson, and so forth, and he was some surprised. And I said I tho't it wrong of him ​to caunfiscate my gun, for I felt cold and helpless and hopeless without it. And he said it was his dooty, boys, but that he'd now a better notion of Texas, and that he seed a gun was one of the necessities of life in Texas, and that his dooty didn't interfere none with his presentin' me with one as a gift from a friend. And I said if that was so I'd like a forty-four Smith and Wesson. And next mornin' he sent me one, a real daisy of a gun, and here she is!"
While he took another drink the boys looked at Dick's new gun, and said she was all right as a gun. And Pillsbury owned that he'd considerable respect for that magistrate, who was, he thought, a man.
"And when we'd finished hash pile," went on Dick, "we went to a theayter, and saw a show which made me laff caunsiderable; but what it was about I cayn't say, as we kem in late and reetired early, and went to Cheviot's Club, where he interduced me to more lords and some men as was soldiers, but not in gay attire jest then. And I sot among 'em, being tol'rable full and gay, and told 'em ​abaout Texas and Painted Rock; and I mentioned most of you by name, especially you, Mr. Pillsbury, and you, Mr. Gedge, and you Mr. Gillett, and told 'em your deeds and exploits, which caused great wonder and excitement, and more chaps came araound, till the room wuz nigh as full as this. And they seemed caunsiderable pleased with me, boys, though I say it, and several of 'em asked me to come and see 'em. But when I'd accepted some two score invitations to caystles, Cheviot let on that I was comin' no'th with him, and I said they would excuse me, and they laffed some, but said I was to please myself and Cheviot. And Cheviot previous had related all that occurred in Jackville Street, and how he came to own that black eye. And they fair made me blush with what they said. I cayn't relate it all. And about two o'clock me and Cheviot retired to our shack in Moon Street, and I slept some and no fatal error.
"Next day, boys, Cheviot's man took me araound to the Tower, and to some big churches; but the Tower fetched me most, for it was full of ancient weepons and steel fixin's to wear ​in wars. And at last I says to the man, 'Sonny, let us let up on these side-shows, for I'm weary unto death.' For the autumn round-up and all its doin's ain't hayf so fatiguin' as seein' London, and I beg you, boys, to remember it. And the day after that Cheviot, seein' I was some fatigued, said we'd go to Cheviot Caystle, and we took the cars and travelled nigh on to ten hours, and kem to his old fort, which was wonderful. In my trunk down to the deepôt I've pictures of it, and I'll show 'em ter-morrer. They give me a room the size of a cattle corral, and a bed whar it took me all my time to find myself when I woke in the mornin'; and there was hundreds of servants, and I'd a man given me to look after my things, which was mostly my gun and a tooth-brush, for I reckons to travel with little more. And then Cheviot showed me his horses. Boys, I tho't that the River Brazos horses was the last word of Prov'dence, but I now thinks different. I don't hanker to rise envy and jealousy in your bosoms, but Cheviot had horses you could shave at so bright they shone. They was big and fine, and oh, boys, I ​did hanker to own 'em. I said to Cheviot, 'Waal, Cheviot, some would envy you this great caystle, and some would pine to be a yearl, but all I says is that if folks offered me horses of this stamp in exchange for my immortal soul I'd be horrid scared to face the awful choice.' And he laffed, and said I could any rate ride one if I liked, and that he'd one no man could ride if I'd like to try him. And me bein' a real broncho buster, as you boys know, I reduced that haughty animal to miserable subjection in twenty minutes by the golden hands of his clock in the stables. And the stablemen and grooms who'd grinned to see me tackle the broncho was some surprised. And then it appeared that there was a lot of ladies comin', and they fazed me a deal more than any untamed, fiery mustang; but Cheviot, who was some cynical, cheered me up by sayin' horses and womenfolk was all the same all the world over, and that I needn't be scared. So I bucked up, and when a duchess asked me how I was, I said, 'Quite hunky, Duchess,' and she looked some surprised at something, but what it was I couldn't say. ​And then a countess tackled me, and I didn't know who she was. So I says, "Are you a duchess, or a yearl, or what, ma'am?' and she let on she was a countess. All you've got to know in tackling folks like this is to know how to name them, and your trouble's over. 'Tain't like it is in Texas, where 'ma'am' will serve the lot, from the President's wife down to the poorest. But I reckon now to know who's who in these aristocratic gangs, and the girls was very pleasant, and some of them daisies to look at. I got mighty popular, for there warn't no one I warn't friends with, and the men was pleased to hear about Texas. They evidently pined for Texas. I noted that all through. It's common talk to run down Englishmen in Texas, boys, but 'Texas' is all in their minds; they hanker to be free and ride our perairies . They envy us the gay life we lead, and I see this even while I pined for things they hed. And there was one Lady Caroline Cheviot that I commenced to pine for heavily, and she took to me some, and we sot by each other at dinner, and she helped me out with my difficulties with the hash,—for there ​are difficulties with the hash, boys,—and she consoled me by sayin' that any one of the men there would be just as much a tender-foot in Texas; and I said, 'You bet, Lady Caroline. I could teach 'em something thar.' And I yearned to be rich and a lord (I own it, boys, and there ain't no need to laff), for I wanted to say to her, 'Be mine,' and I darn't. And next day I goes to Cheviot and tells him all about it. 'I see the difficulties, Cheviot,' I says, and he owns there was difficulties. And it appears the chief difficulty was that the pore gal had to marry a duke from somewhere, and Cheviot owned the duke was a no good galoot. But, as he said, the gal had payssed her word, and there warn't no good thinkin' of it. So I tho't as little of it as I could, and I might hev stayed a while longer if it hadn't bin' that the first ole duchess that spoke to me took a horrid fancy to me. She was all clothes and paint and powder, so that no man ever saw the real duchess but only the faked outside. And one night she took me by the hand, she bein' very old, and said she thought I was the nicest young man she ever see, and ​I draws my hand away sudden and flies to Cheviot. Now Cheviot saw at once I was disgnuntled, and he asked me what was wrong, and after caunsiderable pressure on his side, for I hated to give a duchess away, I told him the trewth, and he said I'd better fly, for she was very haughty and caunsiderable experienced, and much given to havin' her own way; which he said was very usual with duchesses, especially when they was dowagers, which is a kind or specie of duchess. And so I packed up my gun and my tooth-brush and returned him his white-shirt soot. But that he wouldn't hear of. He presented it to me, and said I'd oblige him if I'd take it, and with it another gun; and I took 'em. And then Cheviot said I'd always be welcome at his caystle, and that next time he'd see the duchess was engaged elsewhere. And we shook and parted; and as I was goin' he gave me a letter to the superintendent of his raynch up to the Staked Plain, which said that he was to give me the ch'ice of all horses on the raynch except the superintendent's own. And that letter's in my pocket, and I reckon to show it on that raynch ​shortly. And then I fled back to London, and took the boat run by old Tuckett's friend, and then back to Noo Orl'ans and so on to here, boys. And though I hed a good time and a surprisin' time, I'm glad to be back with you all. For it's easier to get on hyar than among duchesses, and I own it."
Pillsbury took the word, and spoke with dignity.
"Gentlemen," he said, "if some I know had reelated these surprisin' adventures to us I should hev said they lied, but I reckon that the modest way in which our friend Brazos Dick hez reelated them caunvinces us all of their trewth. Dick, my son, get off of the table and take a drink with me."
And Dick got off the table blushing with pleasure.
Then Ginger Gillett intervened.
"But there's a diff'culty in my mind, Pillsbury," he said. "Dick here says he was bailed out to answer to the charge of more or less killin' some men in a certain Jackville Street. Ain't that so?"
​"That's so," said Pillsbury. He turned to Dick.
"Cheviot told me not to pay no attention to that," said Dick. "He said he would pay up if need be. And, moreover, the magistrate said it was all hunky, and that he grieved caunsiderable that me and Cheviot hadn't killed the lot."
"That alters the case, I own," said Gillett. "If the magistrate said that, and after all he gave you another gun, why, it's evident he approved. Here's to you, Dick, my boy."
We all drank to Dick.