# The Comic English Grammar/Part I

PART I.
ORTHOGRAPHY.
CHAPTER I.
OF THE NATURE OF THE LETTERS, AND OF A COMIC ALPHABET.
Orthography is like a schoolmaster, or instructor of youth. It teaches us the nature and powers of letters and the right method of spelling words.
Comic Orthography teaches us the oddity and absurdities of letters, and the wrong method of spelling words. The following is an example of Comic Orthography:—
​islinton foteenth of febuary 1844. my Deer jemes
wen fust i sawed yu doun the middle and up agin att the bawl i maid Up my Mind to skure you for my oan for i Felt at once that my appiness was at Steak, and a sensashun in my Bussum I coudent no ways accompt For. And i said to mary at missis Igginses said i theres the Mann for my money o ses Shee i nose a Sweeter Yung Man than that Air Do you sez i Agin then there we Agree To Differ, and we was sittin by the window and we wos wery Neer fallin Out. my deer gemes Sins that Nite i Havent slept a Wink and Wot is moor to the Porpus i Have quit Lost my Happy tight and am gettin wus and wus witch i Think yu ort to pitty Mee. i am Tolled every Day that ime Gettin Thinner and a Jipsy sed that nothin wood Cure me But a Ring.
i wos a Long time makin my Mind Up to right to You for of Coarse i Says jemes will think me too forrad but this bein Leep yere i thout ide Make a Plunge, leastways to all Them as dont Want to Bee old Mades all their blessed lives. so my Deer Jemes if yow want a Pardoner for Better or for wus nows Your Time dont think i Behave despicable for tis my Luv for yu as makes Me take this Stepp.
please to Burn this Letter when Red and excuse the scralls and Blotches witch is Caused by my Teers i remain
till deth Yure on Happy Vallentine jane you No who.
poscrip
nex Sunday Is my sunday out And i shall be Att the corner of Wite Street at a quawter pas Sevn.
Wen This U. C. remember Mee j. g.
Now, to proceed with Orthography, we may remark, that a letter is the least part of a word.
Of a comic letter an instance has already been given. Dr. Johnson's letter to Lord Chesterfield is a capital letter.
The letters of the Alphabet are the representatives of articulate sounds.
The Alphabet is a Republic of Letters.
​There are many things in this world erroneously as well as vulgarly compared to "bricks." In the case of the letters of the Alphabet, however, the comparison is just; they constitute the fabric of a language, and grammar is the mortar. The wonder is that there should be so few of them. The English letters are twenty-six in number. There is nothing like beginning at the beginning; and we shall now therefore enumerate them, with the view also of rendering their insertion subsidiary to mythological instruction, in conformity with the plan on which some account of the Heathen Deities and ancient heroes is prefixed or subjoined to a Dictionary. We present the reader with a form of Alphabet composed in humble imitation of that famous one, which, while appreciable by the dullest taste, and level to the meanest capacity, is nevertheless that by which the greatest minds have been agreeably inducted into knowledge.
THE ALPHABET.
Awas Apollo, the god of the carol, Bstood for Bacchus, astride on his barrel; Cfor good Ceres, the goddess of grist, Dwas Diana, that wouldn't be kiss'd; Ewas nymph Echo, that pined to a sound, Fwas sweet Flora, with buttercups crown'd; Gwas Jove's pot-boy, young Ganymede hight, Hwas fair Hebe, his barmaid so tight; I,little Io, turn'd into a cow, J,jealous Juno, that spiteful old sow; Kwas Kitty, more lovely than goddess or muse, L,Lacooon—I wouldn't have been in his shoes!
Mwas blue-eyed Minerva, with stockings to match, Nwas Nestor, with grey beard and silvery thatch; Owas lofty Olympus, King Jupiter's shop, P,Parnassus, Apollo hung out on its top; Qstood for Quirites, the Romans, to wit; R,for rantipole Roscius, that made such a hit; S,for Sappho, so famous for felo-de-se, T,for Thales the wise, F. R. S. and M. D: Uwas crafty Ulysses, so artful a dodger, Vwas hop-a-kick Vulcan, that limping old codger; Wenus—Venus I mean—with a W begins, (Vell, if I ham a Cockney, wot need of your grins?) Xwas Xantippe, the scratch-cat and shrew, Y,I don't know what Y was, whack me if I do! Zwas Zeno the Stoic, Zenobia the clever, And Zoilus the critic, whose fame lasts forever.
Letters are divided into Vowels and Consonants. The vowels are capable of being perfectly uttered by themselves. They are, as it were, independent members of the Alphabet, and like independent members elsewhere, form a small minority. The vowels are a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes w and y.
An I. O. U. is a more pleasant thing to have, than it is to give.
A blow in the stomach is very likely to W up.
W is a consonant when it begins a word, as "Wicked Will Wiggins whacked his wife with a whip;" but in every other place it is a vowel, as crawling, drawling, sawney, screwing, Jew. Y follows the same rule.
A consonant is an articulate sound; but, like an old bachelor, if it exists alone, it exists to no purpose. ​It cannot be perfectly uttered without the aid of a vowel; and even then the vowel has the greatest share in the production of the sound. Thus a vowel joined to a consonant becomes, so to speak, a "better half:" or at all events very strongly resembles one.
A dipthong is the union of two vowels in one sound, as ea in heavy, eu in Meux, ou in stout.
A tripthong is a similar union of three vowels, as eau in the word beau; a term applied to dandies, and addressed to geese: probably because they are birds of a feather.
A proper dipthong is that in which the sound is formed by both the vowels: as, aw in awkward, ou in lout.
​An improper dipthong is that in which the sound is formed by one of the vowels only, as ea in heartless. oa in hoax.
According to our notions there are a great many improper dipthongs in common use. By improper dipthongs we mean vowels unwarrantably dilated into dipthongs, and dipthongs mispronounced, in defiance of good English.
For instance, the rustics and dandies say,—
"Loor! whaut a foine gaal! Moy oy!"
"Whaut a precious soight of crows!"
"As I was a comin' whoam through the corn fiddles (fields) I met Willum Jones."
"I sor (saw) him."
"Dror (draw) it out."
"Hold your jor (jaw)."
"I caun't. You shaun't. How's your Maw and Paw? Do you like taut (tart)?"
We have heard young ladies remark,—
"Oh, my! What a naice young man!"
"What a bee—eautiful day!"
"I'm so fond of dayncing!"
Again, dandies frequently exclaim,—
"I'm postively tiawed (tired)."
"What a sweet tempaw! (temper)."
"How daughty (dirty) the streets au!"
And they also call,—
Literature, "literetchah."
Perfectly, "pawfacly."
Disgusted, "disgasted."
Sky, "ske—eye."
Blue, "ble—ew."
We might here insert a few remarks on the nature ​of the human voice, and of the mechanism by means of which articulation is performed; but besides our dislike to prolixity, we are afraid of getting down in the mouth, and thereby going the wrong way to please our readers. We may nevertheless venture to invite attention to a few comical peculiarities in connection with articulate sounds.
Ahem! at the commencement of a speech, is a sound agreeably droll.
The vocal comicalities of the infant in arms are exceedingly laughable, but we are unfortunately unable to spell them.
The articulation of the Jew is peculiarly ridiculous. The "peoplesh" are badly spoken of, and not well spoken.
Bawling, croaking, hissing, whistling, and grunting, are elegant vocal accomplishments.
Lisping, as, thweet, Dthooliur, thawming, kweechau, is by some considered interesting, by others absurd.
But of all the sounds which proceed from the human mouth, by far the funniest are Ha! ha! ha!—Ho! ho! ho! and He! he! he!
CHAPTER II.
OF SYLLABLES.
Syllable is a nice word, it sounds so much like syllabub!
A syllable, whether it constitute a word or part of a word, is a sound, either simple or compound, produced by one effort of the voice, as, "O!, what, a, lark!—Here, we, are!"
Spelling is the art of putting together the letters which compose a syllable, or the syllables which compose a word.
Comic spelling is usually the work of imagination. ​The chief rule to be observed in this kind of spelling, is, to spell every word as it is pronounced; though the rule is not universally observed by comic spellers. The following example, for the genuineness of which we can vouch, is one so singularly apposite, that although we have already submitted a similar specimen of orthography to the reader, we are irresistibly tempted to make a second experiment on his indulgence. The epistolary curiosity, then, which we shall now proceed to transcribe, was addressed by a patient to his medical adviser.
"Sir,
"My Granmother wos very much trubeld With the Gout and dide with it my father wos also and dide with it when i wos 14 years of age i wos in the habbet of Gettin whet feet Every Night by pumping water out of a Celler Wien Cas me to have the tipes fever wich Cas my Defness when i was 23 of age i fell in the Water betwen the ice and i have Bin in the habbet of Gettin wet when traviling i have Bin trubbeld with Gout for seven years
"Your most humbel
"Servent
Among the various kinds of spelling may be enumerated spelling for a favor; or giving what is called a broad hint.
Certain rules for the division of words into syllables are laid down in some grammars, and we should be very glad to follow the established usage, but limited as we are by considerations of comicality and space, ​we cannot afford to give more than two very general directions. If you do not know how to spell a word, look it out in the dictionary, and if you have no dictionary by you, write the word in such a way, that, while it may be guessed at, it shall not be legible.
CHAPTER III.
OF WORDS IN GENERAL.
There is no one question that we are aware of more puzzling than this, "What is your opinion of things in general?" Words in general are, fortunately for us, a subject on which the formation of an opinion is somewhat more easy. Words stand for things: they are a sort of counters, checks, bank-notes, and sometimes, indeed, they are notes for which people get a great deal of money. Such words, however, are, alas! not generally English words, but Italian. Strange! that so much should be given for a mere song. It is quite clear that the givers, whatever may be their pretensions to a refined or literary taste, must be entirely unacquainted with Wordsworth.
Fine words are oily enough, and he who uses them is vulgarly said to "cut it fat;" but for all that it is well known that they will not butter parsnips.
Some say that words are but wind: for this reason, when people are having words, it is often said, that "the wind's up."
​Different words please different people. Philosophers are fond of hard words; pedants of tough words, long words, and crackjaw words; bullies, of rough words; boasters, of big words; the rising generation, of slang words; fashionable people, of French words; wits, of sharp words and smart words; and ladies, of nice words, sweet words, soft words, and soothing woids; and, indeed, of words in general.
Words (when spoken) are articulate sounds used by common consent as signs of our ideas.
A word of one syllable is called a Monosyllable: as, you, are, a, great, oaf.
A word of two syllables is named a Dissyllable; as, cat-gut, mu-sic.
A word of three syllables is termed a Trisyllable; as, Mag-net-ism, Mum-mer-y.
A word of four or more syllables is entitled a Polysyllable; as, in-ter-mi-na-ble, cir-cum-lo-cu-ti-on, ex-as-pe-ra-ted, func-ti-o-na-ry, met-ro-po-li-tan, ro-tun-di-ty.
Words of more syllables than one are sometimes comically contracted into one syllable; as, in s'pose for suppose, b'lieve for believe, and 'scuse for excuse: here, perhaps, 'buss, abbreviated from omnibus, deserves to be mentioned.
In like manner, many long words are elegantly trimmed and shortened; as, ornary for ordinary, 'strornary for extraordinary, and curosity for curiosity; to which mysterus for mysterious may also be added.
Polysyllables are an essential element in the sublime, both in poetry and in prose; but especially in ​that species of the sublime which borders very closely on the ridiculous; as,
"Aldiborontiphoscophormio, Where left's thou Chrononhotonthologos?
All words are either primitive or derivative. A primitive word is that which cannot be reduced to any simpler word in the language; as, brass, York, knave. A derivative word, under the head of which compound words are also included, is that which may be reduced to another and a more simple word in the English language; as, brazen, Yorkshire, knavery, mud-lark, lighterman. Broadbrim is a derivative word; but it is one often applied to a very primitive kind of person.