# Punch/Volume 147/Issue 3813/Charivaria

A weekly selection of short humorous items, normally on the first page of each issue.
CHARIVARIA.
Sir Robert Lorimer has been appointed architect for the restoration of Whitekirk church, East Lothian, which was burnt down by Suffragettes last February. There is a feeling among the militants that, since it is owing to the exertions of women that the work has to be done, it ought to have been given to a woman architect.
Two Suffragettes who were charged, last week, at Bow Street with obstructing the police, refused to give their ages. Presumably the information would have shown that they were old enough to know better.
A committee of the Metropolitan Water Board reports that Thames water is purified at least 1,000 times before delivery to customers. It looks as if there may, after all, be something in the complaints which reach the Board from time to time as to its water being absolutely flavourless.
The London Fire Brigade Committee has decided to ignore a demand from the Corporation Workers' Union for the reinstatement of a fireman who refused to obey an order on the ground that it involved too great a danger to him. For ourselves we are surprised at the moderation of the Union. We should have expected them to insist also on a medal for life-saving being bestowed on the man.
Dr. Ignatius Moerbeck, an engineer living on the Amazon, asserts that the river which Mr. Roosevelt claims to have placed on the map had long since been surveyed by him. The prettiest touch in Dr. Moerbeck's statement is to the effect that the real name of the river is Castanha, which means Chestnut.
Furs worth about £3,000 were stolen from a Chiswell Street firm last week. This gives one some idea of the intensity of the recent cold snap.
Mr. Lyn Harding, it is announced, has acquired a new play in four Acts entitled Bed Rock. Surely the lullaby touch in the title is a mistake? Audiences are quite prone enough to fall asleep without these soporific aids.
"I am not," says M. Paul Bourget, "responsible for the words I put into the mouths of my characters." We await a similar declaration from Mr. B. Shaw.
Another impending apology! Extract from the official Report of the Annual General Meeting of a Company that publishes certain illustrated papers: —"Our stock of published original black-and-white drawings, made by many of the foremost artists of the day, stand at nothing in our books."
A legacy of £10,000 has been left to a clerk in the Ashton-under-Lyme Waterworks Office by a gentleman who had intimated that he "would remember him in his will." We are so glad that this pretty old custom is not dying out.
It is rumoured that a daring attempt to rob the Zoological Gardens has been foiled. Plans, it is said, have been disclosed whereby burglars after dark were to scale the loftiest peaks of the new Mappin terraces and to fish for animals by means of highly-spiced joints attached to ropes. It was hoped to secure a number of valuable bears, to be disposed of to furriers.
We have been favoured with the sight of a circular issued by a Dutch bulb grower and printed in English. The fatherly interest which he takes in his creations does credit to his heart. "All bulbs who are not satisfied," he says, "we take back and pay the carriage ourselves, even if cheque has accompanied order."