# No Smoking

NO SMOKING
FARCE IN ONE ACT
First Presented at the Teatro Lara, Madrid, on the Evening of the Third of March, 1904
NO SMOKING
A compartment in a first-class railway-carriage.
The Gentleman is seated alone when the curtain rises.
A Voice. [Outside] Three minutes! The train stops three minutes!
Another Voice. Water! Fresh water! Who wants water?
Another Voice. Here, girl! Water!
The Lady and the Young Lady enter.
Lady. Hurry up; it only stops a minute. I thought we'd die in that compartment. See if we have everything. One, two… Where's the basket? The basket!
Young Lady. Here it is, mamma.
Lady. Gracious! What a fright you did give me! The one thing, too, your aunt asked us to bring with us—She would always have insisted that we lost it on purpose.—Good afternoon.
Gentleman. Good afternoon. I beg your pardon, but as I was riding alone, although it says "No Smoking"…
Lady. For goodness' sake, don't stop upon our account! Smoke as much as you want to—it doesn't bother me, or my daughter, either. We are used to it. Her poor father, my first husband—who is now in glory—was never without a cigar in his mouth. As he bit off one, he lit it with the butt of the other. And my second husband—who now rests in peace—they were alike as two buttons; you could scarcely tell the difference. I had a difficulty at one time myself, a ​suffocating feeling, all stuffed up here—terrible distress—and the doctors were telling me that it was asthma and that it wasn't asthma—Well, I smoked then myself—aromatic cigarettes—which didn't do me any good, either, by the way, I can say that. So you see as far as we are concerned… My dear, what on earth are you doing with that basket? Don't you see that you've got it with the holes against the wall, and the poor animal will be smothered to death? It's a cat, yes, sir, an aunt of my daughter's—she requested us to bring it with us, as a favor to her. She is my sister-in-law. It began to howl the moment the conductor came after the tickets, and this poor child had to sit there and sing and laugh so as to drown it—so the conductor couldn't tell who was howling. I should say it was a favor!
A Voice. [Outside] All aboard! Passengers who are going will please take the train!
Lady. Good! They are afraid we might be left behind. However, we are off now—But you needn't think you are inconveniencing us. You can't annoy us by smoking. Before we changed we were travelling in the ladies' compartment, and we transferred to this one as soon as we could because there were people in it one simply couldn't travel with; they were out of the question. You would think that people who travelled first class would have manners, that they would know something. But not a bit of it! Believe me, if you want to find out what people are like, play cards with them, or watch them eat, or else go travelling. You'll find out then soon enough. There was a woman in that compartment—I say she was a woman because I don't know what else to call her—with her companion—she must have been her companion, she was with her anyway—well, I can tell you I was mortified. I was ashamed—such a conversation! Between the two of them! They might as well ​have been sitting in their own parlors. As far as that goes, you know, speaking for myself, a widow twice, it was nothing to me; but before my daughter… I had to make her sit with her head out of the window all the way. It was pretty chilly for her. You can see for yourself she has taken cold. And she's got a cinder in her eye, too—worse luck! Her eyes are the best part of her.
Young Lady. For mercy's sake, mamma! What will this gentleman think? I hope you don't mind mamma.
Lady. Keep quiet, for heaven's sake! Such women! And they didn't stop there. One of them, tired of gabbling, I suppose, takes out a book if you please, and settles herself down to read. And what a book! There was a woman on the cover in her chemise, fanning herself.
Gentleman. Evidently hot…
Lady. You needn't tell me it was hot.
The Gentleman, with a detached air, reaches for a book which has been lying on the seat beside him.
Gentleman. You cannot always be sure. Sometimes the publishers—so as to attract attention—And then it turns out that there is nothing in the book, after all.
Lady. You needn't tell me. Why, didn't she begin to laugh right out loud, and the other one wanted to know what she was laughing at? And she started in to read to her, at the top of her voice. It was too much for me this time. There we sat in that compartment, helpless, wondering what was coming next. I made up my mind I'd have to ask them to show some consideration for the girl. I'd better have held my tongue! How they did go for us! I didn't ring the alarm and stop the train because I was too excited. It isn't safe to travel with people who begin to gabble and talk the minute they lay eyes on you, and tell you all their private affairs just as if you were one of the ​family. People ought to be careful what they say. The very least that happens is that they tell you some scandal or dishonesty or something of the sort about Mr. So-and-so—that he is this way or that he is that way, and the next thing you know he turns out to be your father. And a person who would talk like that about your father, what wouldn't he say about your uncle or your cousins or any one else in the family? And there you are!
The Conductor enters.
Conductor. Good afternoon.
Lady. The tickets, child! What have you done with the tickets?
Young Lady. Why, you have them, mamma!
Lady. No, my dear; I gave them to you—the last time they came round. I am so sorry— [The cat begins to howl.] My dear! [The Young Lady begins to sing.] I can't find them; you must have them. What's that? Ah, yes! Of course! Wait a minute. Here they are——
Conductor. Thank you. Good afternoon. [He goes out.
Young Lady. What did you ask me for? You knew perfectly well that I couldn't stop singing.
Lady. I wonder what that animal has against the conductor? I told you it was a nuisance; now judge for yourself. If it wasn't that my relations with my sister-in-law are a little bit strained—you understand—I don't want to give her a chance to do any talking—Well, the fact is she wasn't pleased because I married a second time. Just as if I would be likely to forget my first husband any sooner on that account! Put yourself in my place. Suppose you had been a widow of twenty-six without any visible means of support, and the man who was in love with you, without any offense to his predecessor, without reflecting upon his merits in the least, was the best man in the world—I ought ​to have known, though, that it couldn't last. Something was sure to happen— Good Lord! What's the matter?
Gentleman. We are coming to a tunnel.
Lady. Horrors! [They pass into a tunnel. After a moment they come out] Don't look at that gentleman. I was the one who pinched you on the arm——
Gentleman. Madam!
Lady. But that was not all. My sister-in-law is of a very domineering disposition. She is the moneyed member of the family, and, naturally, she expects everybody to bow down before her. She wants them to grovel. Well, that isn't my style. If I say anything she doesn't like, it results in an explosion. Now she has set herself on marrying my daughter to a nephew of hers about whom we know absolutely nothing. It is a delicate subject. A woman only marries once; at least, the first time that is all that she counts on. She plans no further ahead. She says he is a nice fellow, but I have made inquiries— Look out of the window, my dear— I hear he is very fond of the ladies. But what of that? All men are alike. Would you believe it, when we had been married only eight days, I surprised my first husband kissing the nurse?
Gentleman. Did you have a nurse when you had been married only eight days?
Lady. For my little sister. For heaven's sake, what did you think?
Young Lady. Mamma! Mamma! Look at all the little rabbits!
Lady. Don't talk to me about little rabbits. You can take your head in now. We were discussing your fiancé.
Young Lady. What does this gentleman think?
Lady. He thinks the same as I do. He says that without knowing him thoroughly— And he is perfectly right——
​Gentleman. [Aside] Where did this woman get the idea that I said anything?
Lady. Are we coming to a stop?
Young Lady. Yes, we are stopping now. That was a long run, mamma.
Gentleman. I believe I shall get out and stretch myself for a moment. With your permission, ladies——
Lady. Be sure you have time enough.
Gentleman. Yes. The engine takes in water. [The Gentleman goes out.
A Voice. [Outside] Two minutes! The train stops two minutes!
Another Voice. Water! Who wants water?
Another Voice. Buy your cinnamon-cakes! Cinnamon-cakes!
Young Lady. Mamma, I want some cinnamon-cakes.
Lady. Didn't I tell you when you were travelling to be careful what you ate? We've had spice enough already. We're a great deal better off in this compartment. That seems to be a very nice gentleman. Probably he is taking a little vacation— I think we saw him in Madrid one afternoon with a fat lady, that day we were at the Lyric to see "The Iron Ring." Don't you remember the woman who sat in front of us with the big hat, so that you couldn't see? She cried through all the sad parts.
Young Lady. I don't remember, mamma.
Lady. When I get a good look at a person I never forget. I'll ask him when he comes back.
Voices. All aboard! Passengers who are going will please take the train!
Lady. Goodness, there's the bell! The gentleman hasn't come back— See if he's on the platform— Can't you see him?
Young Lady. No.
​Lady. Here! Stop! Don't start the train! There's a gentleman missing!— I wonder where he can be? The train is moving— He's left— What can the matter be? Too bad! What a pity!
Young Lady. He hasn't moved to another compartment. Here are his things.
Lady. Of course he hasn't. We had better throw them out of the window. He can pick them up on the platform. It's the best we can do for him.
Young Lady. Yes! It's the best.
Lady. Help me! Hurry up!
Young Lady. There they go!
Lady. They belong to a gentleman who has lost the train! Keep them for him! He'll be out in a minute!— Didn't he know that the train doesn't wait for anybody? I am so sorry!
Young Lady. We forgot the book.
Lady. Never mind; it's all right. It won't be like the other one, anyhow— What a pity!
Young Lady. [Looking at the book] What a pity!
Lady. If there isn't another train to-day and his family should be waiting for him and he should be ashamed to let them know— I hate to think of it! It's too horrible for words!
Young Lady. [Giggling] Too horrible!
Lady. God bless me! It's too bad. While he was here, we had an escort, as it were. We were having a very agreeable conversation. It was easy to see he had acquired a great deal of information.
Young Lady. He was very good-looking. Listen, mamma; where did you say that you pinched me in the tunnel? On the arm?
Lady. What do you want to know that for?
Young Lady. Nothing. Because it hurts.
​Lady. I am so nervous; I'm always afraid of those tunnels. You never can tell what is going to happen in a tunnel. However, it's too late now for regrets— Don't you feel hungry?
Young Lady. I should say I do. It always gives me an appetite to ride on the train.
Lady. If you travelled more maybe you'd pick up faster. Now you look like half a Philopena— Hand me down the basket— Better see how the cat is.
Young Lady. Hello, kitty! Puss! Puss! My, what eyes! They shine like fire.
Lady. I'm thankful it hasn't given us any trouble, though. It's time to eat.
Young Lady. Another stop.
Lady. Good. We can spread the things out now.
A Voice. One minute! One minute!
Another Voice. Water! Who wants water?
Lady. These breaded chops ought to taste good. Spread the paper for a cloth— Give me a napkin— Don't upset the wine-bottle——
The Gentleman re-enters.
Gentleman. I beg your pardon, ladies——
Lady. Eh?
Young Lady. Oh!
Lady. What! You again?
Gentleman. Yes, I was riding in the smoking-car.
Lady. But weren't you left behind?
Young Lady. We thought——
Gentleman. But my luggage? How is this?
Lady. Oh! I beg your pardon!
Young Lady. You see——
Lady. We thought you had missed the train, and, so as to oblige you——
​Young Lady. We threw it out of the window.
Gentleman. Who told you to do that?
Lady. To accommodate you——
Young Lady. How were we to suppose——
Gentleman. But what am I to do now? The devil! These women— I ought to have known that you would be up to something!
Lady. If you are going to take it like this, sir——
Gentleman. How the devil do you expect me to take it?
Lady. Why didn't you tell us what you were going to do?
Gentleman. Every time I go out do I have to hold up my hand to you? If you weren't irresponsible——
Lady. I don't allow gentlemen to call me irresponsible; nor my daughter, either. Where are your manners?
Gentleman. Madam! Would you recognize them?
Lady. You don't know what you are talking about. You are the one who is irresponsible.
Gentleman. I?
Lady. Yes! You're mad! You're crazy!
Young Lady. Why, mamma!
Voice. Passengers who are going will please take the train! All aboard!
Lady. You can telegraph when we get to the next station.
Gentleman. I can, can I?— My bags! My bags!
Lady. A lady ought never to travel without a private compartment.
Gentleman. Oh, travel in the dog-car!
Lady. I? In the dog-car?
Gentleman. Chained.
Young Lady. Mamma! Mamma!
All talk at the same time.
Curtain
This work is a translation and has a separate copyright status to the applicable copyright protections of the original content.