# Curious history on several occasions

THE CURIOUS
HISTORY
ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS,
Being part of the works of that noted Poet
C L A U D E R O
SON OF NIMROD THE MIGHTY HUNTER,
AND LATE
Printed for the amusement of the Curious in Scotland, as the Author was well known.
DEDICATION.
AS it is the preſent cuſtom in this city with pregnant girls, to give the production of their illicit amours to half a dozen different fathers at leaſt, in order to furnish kirk-treaſures a ſcope of choice, who generally give a diciſion in favour of him who has the heavieſt purſe: So I, in imitation of ſo laudible an example, once intended to dedicate my Brat, to a whole groupe of Patrons and to allow the Public to point out from amongſt them, the perſon moſt deſerving the intended honour.
Upon this plan I conſulted the much renowned Ninth of Diamonds, and by a letter requeſted permiſſion to place his name on the front of my little book, to the following purport. 'Sir. being inſtantly to publiſh the ſecond number of my Miſcellanies, I am adviſed to dedicate the ſame to you: I hope your modeſty will kindly accept of the intended honour, and that you will be a friend both to the Author and his publication. I am, Sir, With respect and Eſteem, Your devoted." &c
To my Epiſtle, he returned by my youngeſt Claudicle the following verbal anſwer, with emotions of rage. "Tell your father Claudero, that if he dares to uſe my name, I will proſecute him to death" Proſecute! Said I Is the man mad? Does he weigh the value of the compliments I intended him? And muſt his incomparable virtues die with himſelf thro' his curſed modeſty? Hang modeſty! I am reſolved that neither proſecutions, jails or even gibbets ſhall divert me from the glorious taſk Immortal he ſhall be as the Miſcellanies of Claudero.
Great Sir, you are the Phoenix of this our age, the darling of Caledon; and your valour at Glaſſmuir, was only to be marched by Sir John Cope, your heroic General. Let the ſong on that occaſion vouch ​how gallantly you rode, while broad ſwords blood and thunder were at your heels. This was an indication of your wiſdom; and they who deny it know little of the horrors of that martial day.
'He who fights till he is ſlain, 'Will never riſe and fight again; 'But he who fights and runs away, 'May live to fight another day.'
Even ſo it was the caſe with you my glorious patron, under the moſt auſpicious command of his royal highneſs, the invincible Duke of Cumberland. You rallied again, hewed down rebellious woods, and led off droves of diſloyal cattle captive by the force of your victorious arm! Pardon the expreſſion! Your very fingures, like the philoſopher's ſtone converted all that they touched into the moſt noble metal
Theſe and a thouſand other accompliſhments, are tributes juſtly due to my patrons ſplendid character, and I challenge all the world to accuſe me of flattery. You are infinitly far above the reach of flummery, and your retentive faculties are not to be tickled out of a penny; which ſufficiently points forth my diſintereſted views in this Dedecation.
But to return great Sir. It was not the laurals that you gleaned in the bowls of your country that could ſatisfy your great ſoul: the inſatiable thriſt you had for glory, induced you to inliſt afreſh in the cauſe of honour, and in the counſel chamber here, you voluntarily became a recruit of the noble Hector, whoſe parts on this occaſion, ſhewed him a conſumate ſtateſman, as well as a valiant champion.
By this means you as a Hero, again engaged to traverſe the fields of Mars; But when you heard of ​the rout to North America, where you run the greateſt riſque of being ſcalped alive, or knocked down by a Tomahawk and that there was nothing to be acquired in this expedition but purſes of wampum, all the warrior fled from your magnanimous boſom. 'Alas! cried you, muſt I bid farewel to my old diſcipline, the discipline I was bred to under the banners of his highneſs. 'Tis true there are woods in North America but they aref ar from a proper market. What, ſhall I gain by ſleaing of Indians alive, admitting even that conqueſt is on my ſide, and if I ſuffer reverſe fortune, how dreadful is the war dance! how terrible their death hallow!--O Strathallan! Strathallan! And many other clanships, the the harveſt of my former atchievements, does this my curſed fate befal me for your ſakes" Such was the quandry, great Sir, you was in on account of the black proſpect then in your view: from which we may infer that true courage is not to be found in the ſame man at all times. But fervent prayers to Hercules and oblations to Bacchus in the temple of Clearihue, you happily obtained your diſcharge from the war.
May you, like the immortal Colonel Charteris, end your days in peace, may your funeral be preſerved from ſtorm or huricane, and may the genius of an Arbuthnot do juſtice to your memory.
I ever am,
Great Sir,
Your Devoted moſt Obedient
and moſt humble Servant,
CLAUDERO.
MISCELLANIES BY CLAUDERO.
INTRODUCTORY ORATION. Delivered 20th of March
Gentlemen, THE following Oration is calculated for your amuſement and my benefit, and if either one or both of us miſs of our aim, no doubt we have cauſe to complain; But if I can be able, for 15 minutes, to harangue you to the purpoſe, I am in that event to be thought more worthy than thoſe of my profeſſion, who hold forth during the pregrination of an half hour glaſs, ſtill talking about it, and about it, without ever adventring to come to the point in queſtion. Theſe Orators, Gentlemen, have a handſome annual ſalary, and do not in the leaſt depend on the affluence or bounty of their audience, conſequently may be leſs careful to entertain them properly. But the caſe is quite reverſe with Claudero, who has his ſole dependance on the benevolence of individuals; Therefore it may reaſonably be expected, he will exert every faculty of his ſoul, in order to acquit himſelf to the univerſal ſatisfaction of thoſe Gentlemen, who do him the honour to attend his Orations.
​This being my firſt appearance in the character of an Orater, I would not, nay I durſt not truſt my memory with what I am about to deliver, eſpecially when I conſidered myſelf in the preſence of ſuch a polite and learned audience, capable of obſerving the minuteſt error either in Etymology or Syntax: and as it is the invariable practice of many of my learned brethren, Orators of a long ſtanding, to deliver their diſcourſes from a ſtudied munuſcript, even though the bulk of their audience are compoſed of the loweſt and moſt illiterate claſs, ſuch as Coblers, Kail-wives, Cinder-Wenches, &c. Therefore Gentlemen, I too hope to be excuſed, and indulged with the like aſſiſtance, eſpecially as I do not pretend to be inſpired with the ſpirit of enthuſiaſm or to be under the influence of any inward light, or ſupernatural gift of Oratory, that might enable me to hold forth extempore to the ſatisfaction of you Gentlemen, whom I think myſelf, in duty bound to acknowledge as judges both of Claudero and his Orations. To be brief then, I do not intend in the proſecution of my ſubjects, to quote other Orators purely with an intention of throwing dirt in their faces, as is to often the practice of many of my learned brethren, who thereby endeavour to inſinuate to their pupils, that their own capacities are ſo far ſuperior to all that ever ſpoke or wrote before them, that they bid fair to ſtand on the records of fame ſine qua non; And as it were bid defiance to future ages to treat them in the ſame ſcurvy manner — This method of depreciating others is by the moderns called oblique puffing. The direct puff again is, where Orators recomend and ſtamp a value upon themſelves in a more blunt and immediate way; for a ſpecimen of both, read the puffs and inaugural puffs of Dr Smouſe the dueliſt, who deſerves to be ſtruck out of the liſt of Orators for his bloody diſpoſition, and late invidious publications. But this deviating from my plan to deſcend to particulars, and when I do ſo for the future, it ſhall only be with a view to point not by an example, what would otherways take me up more time to illuſtrate by a definition.
​Gentlemen, I am to lay it down as a rule, through the whole courſe of my ſubſequent Orations, to speak reverently of things and perſons ſacred; to be cautious of offending even the moſt delicate modeſty or giving perſonal affronts.
I purpoſe to entertain my audience with ſubjects both improving and interresting and in diſcourſing of theſe, I am not to put on the affected gloom of ſome Orators, as I hold it very unſuitable to my preſent undertaking; But on the contrary, if I find my ſpirits a key or ſo too low, I will in preſence adminiſter an exhilerating draught, which will tone Claudero like an organ; by cauſing the animal ſpirits mount and flow through my cranium, in the ſame way as heat does the fluid in a Thermometer.
In place of coughs, or hums or haws, With porter make a proper pauſe.
In ſhort gentlemen, I muſt beg leave to differ in almoſt every circumſtance from the common and uſual mode of Orators, and by introducing my own natural method, perhaps entirely new, ſet up for myſelf, not on the ruins of my learned brethren (from whom I have copied nothing but this antique gown and voluminous tie-wig.) But alenerly on a fund of experience, entirely my own: Nor ſhall it be in any malignant critics power, to accuse me of palgirariſm, as I have no library or collection of books, other than John Bunyan my Theologiſt and Robiſon Crusoe my Hiſtorian, from which I can have the least aſſiſtance; and if I were to have recourſe to thoſe, every old woman would have it in her power to detect Claudero.
May wit and humour aid my themes, God ſenſe, good natur'd eloquence; Let private Satire banish'd be, From ev'ry Preacher and from me: Ye gen'rous youths this ſcheme applaud, And liſten to the words of Claud.
​The taſk I have undertaken Gentlemen, is arduous, and might terrify a coward to go through with it; Yet I am not in the leaſt afraid of furniſhing once a-week, a proper repaſt for a virtuous and well diſpoſed mind, providing I meet with ſuitable encouragement, but without that inſipid dullneſs will ſoon prevail, to avoid which, Claudero propoſes to pipe no longer than your caſh dances to his chanter.
Caſh vivifies the tongue and pen, And whets the ſword on every plain; Great Frederick the Pruſſian hero, Needs caſh oft times, as well's Claudero: Nor had he e'er ſuch laurals gain'd, If caſh had not been first obtain'd. My laurals too ſhall quickly grow, If brilliant caſh you oft beſtow.
Foreign Mimicks have had the effrontery of late, to perſuade the ſons and Daughters of Edina, that they could neither ſpeak read nor write, and one of them delivered ſeveral rheotrical lectures to crouded audiences, in order to inform us of what he alleged we knew nothing of, though indeed vice verſa; However he gained his point ſo far as to pick up 500l. In this metropolis, and when he was attacked by myſelf in a pamphlet, wherein I endeavoured to counteract him, by challenging the whole itenerant fraternity to read ſome celebrated Scots pieces, he fled with precipitation, and ſcoffingly, though conſiſtent with justice and truth, told he had got 500l, for informing the Scots of what they knew much better than himſelf.
By introducing this ſtory, I mean to perſuade you to keep your own Fiſh guts to your own Sea Maws, and not to deſpiſe a Plumb-Tree for no other or better cauſe, than its being brought forth and nouriſhed in your own Garden.
I am too poſſeſſed, Gentlemen, of a Syllabus of Lectrues on Rhetoric, and could undertake to deliver a very ​beneficial courſe thereof, in the ſpace of one month, at a very cheap rate, but as this would be interfering with the province of a learned and eminent gentleman of this city, who is in every reſpect better qualified for that taſk. I on that account, at preſent forbear it.
There is one thing however, Gentlemen, that I muſt obſerve to you, that is, that it will be neceſſary that all unlucky prejudices againſt my perſonal appearance and character be laid aſide, and to give me an impartial hearing before you proceed to cenſure as I indeed came by my lame leg, in the ſame way I came by my lame character: both very undeſervedly.
Some may ſay, when the Fox preaches, beware of the Geeſe, But this would be dubbing perhaps a poor innocent lamb a Fox, without aſſigning or giving a proper causa scientiae, and would reflect as little honour on you Gentlemen, my Auditory, as upon myſelf: For believe me, it would give me infinitely more pain to have you eſteemed a parcel of Geeſe, that to have the name and qualities of a Reynard conferred upon myſelf; and while you are ſo charitable as not to ſuſpect me for the one, I will never be ſo ungrateful, as give you the appelation of the other, for this at the ſame time, would be equally prejudical to my intereſt and character. And I flatter myſelf, that in the ſequel, the world will be convinced, that neither of theſe Epithets would be properly applied.
Let envy and malicious hate Be huſh'd; and likewiſe foul debate, Debarr'd from every gen'rous mind; Impartial judges let me find. To Criticiſe is very eaſy, But let the Critic try to pleaſe ye: He'll find the talk perhaps as hard As I, your moſt ſubmiſſive bard: But from your goodneſs 'tis expected, That as I'm lame I'll be protected, From Malcontents, from Fops and Beaux Who are to ſenſe and virtue foes.
​If in the courſe of my Orations, I ſhould omit any thing unintelligible or culpable, I muſt here in my Introductory lecture moſt humbly beg not to be impugned while on my roſtrum, as this manner of procedure might tend to introduce confusion and would perhaps put me to a fatal and irrecoverable ſtand; And in lieu of this preliminary requeſt, I shall become bound to ſatisfy and amend to my power all ſuch miſtakes, by being for the future more explicit or more upon my guard.
To conclude then, Gentlemen, I ſhall make it my principal ſtudy to acquit myſelf ſo, as to merit in ſome degree your approbation; by interlarding the comic with the ſerious, and blending them ſo together as to make an agreeable tertiam quid, which will pertake partly of both, and at the ſame time differ widely from either. And I remember Cato, that excellent and antient Roman Moralist, ſaith in his diſtichs.
"Mirth with thy labour ſometimes put in ure, "That better thou mayeſt thy labour endure
Claudero hath tried ſeveral employments, and to uſe the words of the noted and reverend Mago Pico, in his account of himſelf.
"God, not a beaſt, but me did make a man, "And not a Turk, but a true Chriſtian; "His providence made me a School-maſter, "None of the meaneſt ſort I dare averr.
I have undergone ſeveral viciſſitudes of fortune, but that blind goddeſs hath hitherto brow beat and eluded my embraces.
I was once a Huſſar in the army, and had then the vanity of expecting to arrive at the dignity of Captain, but those pleaſing and arrogaut hopes ſoon evaniſhed, and in place of bettering my fortune, I was reduced to the moſt abject circumſtances, and forced to wander up and down like a vagabond, in queſt of my former employment.
​I was afterwards a ſober preceptor at the Dean in the neighbourhood of Edinburgh, and there maintained a fair character for seven years, till in one unlucky night, I ruined my wife Claudine, and five infant Claudeles by keeping too good company.
It was then no longer practicable for me to teach a ſchool, or live by ſyllabication; and the Devil and Claudero from that period, in the acceptation of Enthuſiasts, became ſynonymous terms.———I then had recourſe to a buſineſs, where I could live independant on a character, and for theſe twelve years paſt, have been employed by the gentlemen of law and phyſic as an Amanuenſis, who gave me the ſame encouragement, as if I had been an angel of light.———But now gentlemen, I am ſorry to ſay it, I can no more find the wonted demand for the hair ſtrokes of Claudero, and the ladies on the town. I am told, have been too potent rivals for me. It would be impious for me to complain, that I am created in the maſculine gender, or to envy thoſe proſtitutes the rewards of iniquity: So I have as my dernier effort for a livelihood attempted to give public Orations, and in my next I propoſe to recommend that darling virtue, Modeſty.
I ſhall not then, at this time, any longer tire your patience with my introduction: So for this bout I return you, gentlemen, my ſincere thanks, and bid you heratily farewell.
ORATION II.
ON MODESTY.
Gentlemen, MODESTY hath been been defined by moraliſts, to be kind of quick and delicate feeling in the ſoul, which makes her ſhrink and withdraw herſelf from every thing that has danger in it. It is ſuch an exquiſite ​ſensſibility, as warns her to ſhun the firſt appearance of every thing which is hurtful.
"In modeſt salons there are certain rules, "Which to tranfgreſs, confirms us knaves and fools. "Immodeſt words admit of no defence, "For want of decency is want of ſenſe."
The ancients had ſo great a veneration for Modeſty in a married ſtate, that Epicharmus, a Sicilian Poet, had a fine ſet upon his head, only for bolting out a wanton word in the hearing of his wife. And we read of a Roman ſenator degraded, barely for kiſſing his wife to the preſence of his daughter.
'Tis to be regreted, that the ſame delicacy is not obſerved amongſt the moderns: for there are many people now a-days in this part of the world, who, ſo ſoon as they are married, lay aſide all decent reſerve, and take a liberty to extend the privilege of their condition beyond the bounds of ſobriety and good manners. Modeſty is the duty of a wife, as well as of a virgin: and it is no longer a virtue, than while it continues all of a piece, in thought, word, and deed: for looſe words lead naturally to looſe actions; and the very provocation to lewdneſs is within one degree of the thing itſelf.
Modeſty heightens the charms of a woman, and in a more peculiar manner becomes the fair ſex. Milton introduces our mother Eve.
"Yeilding with coy ſubmiſſion, modeſt pride, "And ſweet reluctant amorous delay."
And Thomſon, our celebrated countryman, makes Lavinia engage the Young and generous Paloemon, thus,
"When poor Lavinia drew his eye, "Unconſcious of her power, and turning quick, "With unaffected bluſhes from his gaze, "He ſaw her charming; but he ſaw not half ​"The charms her down caſt conceal'd. "That very moment, love, and chaſte deſire "Sprung, in his boſom to himſelf unknown, "And as he run her, ardent, o'er and o'er, "Love, gratitude, and pity, wept at once. "Confus'd, and frighten'd at his ſudden tears, "Her riſing beauties flaſh'd a higher bloom"
The Spectator, in one of his ſpeculations, attribute all the jarring miſchiefs of the married ſtate, to an immodeſt deportment after marriage: And Dean Swift gives us a very wanton account to the ſame tendency, where he tells us how Celia cured her lover, by being guilty of ſome indecencies at his very elbow, and thereby convinced him of his mistake, in taking her before marriage for a goddeſs or an angel and it was no great wonder that the Cupids, who were hovering round the bed, beat a final or farewel retreat, and gave way to laſting and loathſome diſguſt, when the young lady naſtily ſaid aſide all decent reſerve, by ſacrificing Modeſty at the after of Hymen, at a quality not uſeful in the conjugal ſtate.
Man was made in ſuch a hurry, according to the old fable, that Jupiter had forgot to put Modeſty into the compoſition, among his other affections: and finding that there was no way of introducing it afterwards, man by man, he propoſed the turning of it looſe among the multitude Modeſty took herſelf at first to be a little hardly dealt with, but in the end came over to agree to it, upon condition that carnal love might not be ſuffered to come into the ſame company; for wherever that comes, ſays Modeſty, I am gone.
Senſual love knows neither bars nor bounds We are all naturally impudent: only by cuſtom, and fig leaves, we have been taught to diſguiſe the matter, and look demurely. Gentlemen, this is what we call Modeſty.
The extravagant heats and tranſports of lovers and voluptuaries take away all ſhame, and till that devil of an unbridled appetite be laid, there can be no thought ​of lodging Carnal-Love and Modeſty under the ſame roof.
Jupiter forgetting Modeſty in the compoſition of man, intimates to us, the difficulty of admitting it till fleſh and blood are ſatiate; for there is hardly any place for counſel, till theſe beats are in ſome meaſure taken off. And it is no wonder, that when love comes to be without reaſon, it ſhould be without modeſty too for when it is once paſt government, it is conſequently paſt ſhame. When our corruptions, in fine are ſtrong, and our underſtanding weak, we are more apt to hearken to the motions of the blood, and to the vain imaginations of a depraved affection, than to the dry doctrines and precepts of authority and virtue.
Gentlemen, This difficulty of keeping young and hot blond in order does mightily enforce the necesſity of an early care for the training up of youth, and giving them a tincture, before it be too late, of thoſe doctrines and principles, by which they are afterwards to govern the whole frame of their lives for in their tender years they are more ſuſceptible of profitable and virtuous impreſſions, then afterwards, when they come to be ſolicited by the impulſe of common and vulgar inclinations. They ſhould, in truth, be kept at a diſtance from either ſeeing or hearing ill examples: eſpecially in an age that is governed more by precedent than by reaſon.
Solomon, the royal ⟨eaſtern⟩ ſage, ſays, a whore is a deep ditch: he compares her alſo to a pit or trap, and moſt pathetically adviſes to ſhun the doors of her houſe for, ſays he, her gates lead down to death, and her ſteps take hold on hell. And towards the end of a life ſpent in all manner of voluptuouſneſs and carnal pleaſure, when the fountains of youth and health, that ſupplied the ſtream of pleaſure were dried up; then and not till then, he cried out, that it was all vanity and vexation of ſpirit.
A well frequented ſtew oft puts me in mind of the college office houſe, where rank filth, in an indecent manner, is perpetually poured out; however I hear there is a new and elegant houſe of office building, where ​(illegible text)ry Gentleman belonging to the college is to have a (illegible text)y. The ſcheme is modeſt and pretty and it is hoped, ⟨that⟩ it will afford a notable hint for every man of pleaſure, as is the cuſtom in Spain, to padlock his miſtreſs, ⟨and⟩ put up the key in his pocket.
But here. Gentlemen, I muſt beg your pardon, when call to mind that my text is modeſty, and ſhall endeavour, in the courſe of this Oration, to make a few ⟨small⟩ digreſſions of this ſort as poſſible.
The greateſt of Orators are ſome times neceſſitated ⟨to⟩ exemplify things by their oppoſite qualities, every ⟨virtue⟩ is beſt pointed out by explaining its oppoſite vice; ⟨and⟩ every vice too, is beſt illuſtrated by recommending its oppoſite virtue. Be pleaſed then, Gentlemen, to ⟨let⟩ this ſuffice for my excuſe, and after I have taken a ⟨draught⟩ of Porter I ſhall proceed. 'Tis a hard thing ⟨for⟩ man to know when to ſpeak as when to hold his ⟨tongue⟩; and to give himſelf, in both caſes, with modeſty and prudence: But the difficulty will be where to ⟨begin⟩: for they are effectually two works in one, ⟨ſome⟩ men are ſilent for want of aſſurance, and ſome again for want of ſenſe; and there is one, unhappineſs in ⟨the⟩ caſe too, that the worſt ſpeakers are commonly the ⟨longeſt⟩, and men of vanity rather than men of buſineſs. ⟨I⟩ have heard of a tedious haranguer, who, when he had (illegible text)n himſelf out of breath and his auditory of patience with a long winded ſpeech, aſked a friend of his to ⟨tell⟩ him freely what he liked beſt in his oration? Who ⟨gave⟩ him this anſwer, That he liked that beſt which he ⟨left⟩ out. To come to my point. The ſkill of managing this province aright, is, in truth, the maſter-piece ⟨of⟩ a ſober mans life, for we are always either talking ⟨or⟩ ſaying nothing, in a conſtant ſucceſſion of ſpeech and ⟨silence⟩ by turns.
As humility regulates the interior, ſo modeſty diſciplines the exterior. This is the index that marks the ⟨motion⟩ of our ſoul: It diſcovers the ſituation of our ⟨paſſions⟩, and tell us whether they obey the empire of ⟨ſenſe⟩ or of reaſon. For providence ſeems to have ​deſigned the face not only for ornament, but for information. Nay the ſoul flies into our behaviour, and ⟨we⟩ can read its inclination, and diſguſt as legibly in ⟨our⟩ actions, as phyſicians do the ſtate of the body by ⟨the⟩ beating of the pulſe.
A woman diſcarded of modeſty, ought to be gazed upon as a monſter. Let her be ſet off with all the ⟨other⟩ embelliſhments of art and nature, ſo long as holineſs is read in her face, this vice alone will eclipſe her other perfections, and like a cloud overcaſt all the glittering beams of beauty, wit, and dignity.
When a town is well provided within, and ⟨ſtrongly⟩ fenced with out works, a victorious general has ſeldom the courage to attempt the ſiege. The expence, ⟨the⟩ length of time, the loſſes, the uncertainty of ſuccess ſscaur him from the interpriſe: ſo that he wheels of (illegible text) the leſs fortified, as being a more eaſy conqueſt ⟨Our⟩ gallants ſeem to follow the ſame method, they are ⟨ſo⟩ far from tempting a modeſt woman that they dare ⟨ſcarce⟩ look her in the face. Per countenance and air ⟨rather⟩ fright paſſion than excite it: they conjure down ⟨impure⟩ love, and raiſe reſpect and eſteem. In fine, ſhe is encompaſſed with modeſty, that there is no making ⟨an⟩ approach, and of conſequence no proſpect of ſucceſs, and this difficulty cools the moſt fiery luſt, and diſcourages the most violent ſenſuality. None but a ruffian will attempt to violate ſuch a ſanctuary
But when they eſpy a lady without reſervedneſs, ⟨who⟩ is endued with many attractive qualities, and has nothing that awes, no works that guards her virtue, they are tempted to ſtorm her conſtancy, and if ſhe lends ⟨a⟩ patient ear to the enconiums of her wit and beauty, ſhe ſtays to receive the attack, ſhe is in danger of being at diſcreation. For, in ſhort, this remiſſneſs is a kind of capitulation, it a ſore mark that the defendant preſſed, and then follows a ſurrender. So that the neceſſity of this virtue ought to awake the care of ladies and quicken their endeavours to purchaſe it.
Modeſty is a mixture of gravity and ſweetneſs, that ſtamps plety on the behaviour, and makes the divine ​⟨tranſports⟩ of the ſoul ſparkle in the very eyes. It reaches every part of the exterior, and guides our whole comportment abroad and at home, in our cloſet, and in converſation: it plants virtue upon the forehead, and embelliſhes the exterior, with an univerſal decorum
Gentlemen I cannot conclude the diſcourſe better, than in the words of the author of the economy of human life.
Who art thou O man! that preſumeſt on thine own, wiſdom? Or, why doſt thou vaunt thyſelf on thine own acquirements.
The first ſtep towards being wiſe, is to know that thou art ignorant: and if thou wouldeſt not be eſteemed fooliſh in the judgement of others, caſt of the folly ⟨of⟩ being wiſe in thine own conceit.
As a plain garmeat beſt adometh a beautiful woman, ⟨is⟩ a decent behaviour is the greateſt ornament of wiſdom.
The ſpeech of a modeſt man giveth inſture to truth, and the diffidence of his own words abſolveth his error.
He relieth not on his own wiſdom, he weigheth the counſels of a friend, and receive the benefit thereof.
He turneth away his ear from his own praiſe, and ⟨believeth⟩ it not, he is the laſt in diſcovering his own ⟨perfections⟩.
Yet, as a veil addeth luſtre to beauty, ſo are his virtues ſet off by the ſhade which his modeſty caſteth upon ⟨them.⟩
But behold the vain man, and obſerve the arrogant; ⟨he⟩ cloatheth himſelf in rich attire, he walketh in the ⟨public⟩ ſtreet, he caſteth round his eyes, and courteth obſervation.
He toſſeth up his head, and overlooketh the poor; ⟨he⟩ treateth his inferiors with inſolence, and his ⟨ſuperiority⟩, in return, look down on his pride and folly with ⟨laughter⟩.
He deſpiſeth the judgment of others. He relieth on ⟨his⟩ own opinion and is confounded.
He is puffed up with the vanity of his imagination, ​his delight is to hear and ſpeak of himſelf all the day long.
He ſwalloweth, with greedineſs, his own praiſe, and the flatterer in return eateth him up.
EPILOGUE.
As 'tis the cuſtom of play actors, To thank their friends and benefactors, In epilogues compos'd in verſe, Which they like apes, do but rehearſe; So 'tis preacher's duty more, To with his hearers trace and glore. I too, return my thanks ſincere, To ev'ry individual here. May Modeſtly, that princely grace, Embelliſh ev'ry human face: And may a modeſt lady fair, Propition fall to each man's ſhare,
To be the comfort of his life, A loving mother, and a wife.
TO A FRIEND.
In this ſtrange world, my friend, we often hear, How few can boaſt of happineſs ſincere; That precious gem, in diſtant regions lies, And ſcarce with rays reflected ſtrike our eyes. Eluded, baffl'd, harraſſ'd in our courſe, We urge our destiny from bad to worſe; And thro' life's tempeſt toſs'd from wave to wave, Explore a quarry till we find a grave. The kind of aſylum of the fool and wiſe, Where each fond hope in mix'd abortion lies. When ſhall this reſtleſs, ſentient frame of mine, In thy maternal breaſt its grief reſign? When ſhall profeſſing friends inſidious foes. And learned pride, conſign me to repoſe? ​Crites affirms Claudero cannot write; Crites has taſte, but has not Crites ſpite? Yet what of him in nature's vernal lay? Who, minds the owl's loud ſcream, or aſs's bray? Knavery and folly muſt complain when bit, But muſt I ſcorn the ſupercilious wit, Let your Important ſelves, yourſelves engage, Ye letter'd minions of a coxcomb age: Inſence let him expect who inſence pays, I neither fly your ſcorn, nor court your praiſe. 'Tis not for me to mingle in the game, Nor raſhly dare the dangerous liſts of fame. Whil'ſt round the goddeſs, in compacted band, Hiſtorians, Sages, Poets, Critics, ſtand. From unfledg'd witlings keep each area clear, And drink reſounded praiſe from year, to year. Hail, grave Divan! with rev'rence we admit, Your fix'd deciſion as the teſt of wit: Proceed, with true monopoliſing ſpirit, Impreſs on works the ſignature of merit. Omnipotent in literature and taſte, Be branded whom you brand, and who you grace be grac'd. 'Till giddy with vertigo common ſenſe, Calmly receds in ſcept cal ſuſpence; And fancy'd drops, abſorb'd, in balmy reſt, Her magick lanthron, and her varied veſt. Huſh, huſh my friend, 'tis time for you and me, To make a virtue of neceſſity; Let us, in ſilence, happily obſcure, The dullneſs, or caprice, of times endure: As theſe revolve their everlaſting ronud, A more auſpicious period may be found; When thoſe, who now ſit high on fortune's wheel, A dreadful, but a juſt reverſe may feel: When fame to truth, at length, expands her eyes, And genius to its diſtant ſphere may riſe.
ELEGY,
Oh James Robb, Captain of the Tolbooth of Edinburgh.
GARLCIK an oinions aid my woe, Ye crocodiles your tears let flow, And Stirling caſtle's large head now, Pour forth its ſtreams, as rivers do; For Captain Robb is now no more A goaler, on this mortal ſhore. How pale now lies his lovely noſe, Which wont to ſhine like ſcarlet roſe; That noſe, that always pity ſmelt, And ſoft as butter then would melt; Now, like its kindred whiſky blue, No more aſſumes carnation hue. Let Stirling-caſtle loud rebound The minute guns, the mortal ſound The morning flag aloft diſplay, To aid the ſorrow of the day Ye offspring of the royal Dane, Aſſiſting join the dreary train. To Wilſons, ay a laſting friend, From his commencenent to his end: On you he pour'd his favours down, And bronght forth bleſſings on our town; But now he's gone without relief, To lodge with every goaler's chief. The baps he had from honeſt baker, Were full of conſcience, as their maker; His ale, it bore a wat'ry bell, For brewers ſtole it from the well, And chas'd thro' the draffy maſt, Leſt gaugers ſhould eſpy the fault; His whiſky of a limpid hue, Somewhat inclining to a blue, He ſold as cheap as Clearihue. ​And let me die as I'm a ſinner, He had himſelf a good a dinner, As ever any man was able, To place upon a Provoſt's table. And if his pris'ners did not eat, I'm ſure they need not blame the meat, And for room rent, as Penny ſaid, The de'l a farthing e'er they paid, Until his tenants were to flit, And then he ſhook his noſe for it. No captain ever bore command. On war-ſhip board, or on dry land, More abſolute than this our hero, ⟨Is⟩ here atteſted by Claudero.
Claudero to Mr. William Peter Taylor.
GOOD Mr. Stitch, if 'tis your pleaſure, To come and take of me the meaſure; ⟨I⟩ will confeſs the obligation, And cringe unto a taylor's ſtation. ⟨I⟩ can no more go decent out, My coat is ſuch an arrant clout, And am now ſuch a naked lown, That I out-do the fam'd Tom Brown, Fly to my aid,--your art come ſhow it, Mount like a prince a naked poet Beſides good Mr. William Peter, Shall not be paid with ſcraps of metre; But I'll reward your gen'rous toil, With what will make your pot to boil. Tho' Satan ſhould piſs in the fire, Caſh will conjure him to retire.
An Epifle, on reading the Critical Review for August 1765.
MUCH injur'd bard, forgive a recent age, That pours its venom on thy blameleſs page; ​Nor think their ſtrictures can affront thy lays, Whole praiſe is ſatire, and whoſe ſatire's praiſe. Such is the ſtern, yet kind decree of fate, On every bard his evil Genii wait: Even when divine Moenian ſong was heard, A Zoilus and a Scaliger appear'd. Even Milton 'ſcap'd not, by fell envy ſtung, And Dennis rav'd when Pope ſublimeſt ſung, But, vainly dullneſs breathes interval night, Genius diſpels the gloom by native light: So, from a cloud, the ſun's emergent ray, Reſumes the hemiſphere with brighter day. Whilſt fools are pleas'd to pay for all they read, Forgive the hiseling who extorts hi bread: When nature's wants the drudging hand impell, The Critic on himſelf inflicts his hell. 'Tis full revenge; his aukward ſtare we ſee, Fangs without birth, and coſtive induſtry. Almighty hunger, hail! whoſe potent ſway, Unnumber'd quills implicitly obey: Whoſe active train, collected with rapid haſte, The excrements of genius and of taſte. Then vend, in gaping throngs, the motely page, To bribe not ſatiate thy ⟨relentleſs⟩ rage. Inſpir'd by thee behold the grave divine Aſſume the laural and the gown reſign: Calumniate virtue, truth herſelf refute, And ſtand confeſs'd a party proſtitute. Thy ſtrongeſt vapours animate the crew, Whoſe brains effuſe the Critical Review.
On the re-admiffion of a great Commoner to the Adminiftration.
LET faction inculcate to gratify ſpite. That a king of Great Britain can never do right: 'Tis confirm'd by experience, by proſe, and by ſong, That a knig of Great Britain can never do wrong. ​Thy politics, England, how juſt and profound: How incongruous in power, when her hands are full bound; ⟨It⟩ ſtill ſhould the maxim ſome quibble admit, Who the devil can doubt it, that knows we have P--?
What miniſter now, who his ſovereign wou'd guard, ⟨To⟩ inveſtigate treaſon dares give his award? Our bleſs'd conſtitution, what rock now can ſplit, Whilſt its helm is impell'd and conducted by P--.
'Ere employed his dear country alone was in view, With the continent then what had ſtands to do? But, in office, he reck'd not theſe meaſures a-bit; German counſels we e quickly adopted by P--?
When Britain, reluctant to quarrel with Spain, Heard his abſolute orders all iſſued in vain, His poſt he in dudgeon, thought proper to quit, For what counſels were right of goverm'd by P--?
That our fate he retarded with candour, we own, When idiots and epicures compaſs'd the the throne: But our hawe was reſerv'd for himſell to compleat, Thy deſtiny Britain deduce from thy P--.
Ye patriots of London, your gratitude roar, To thoſe who your P--, and your freedom reſtore; Let his name be reſounded to heav'n by each cit. Ye gods keep your Jove, and leave England her P--,
No more let your genius in pregnancy groan, For organs of praiſe, more immenſe than your own; No more let your foes his duplcity twit, The B uſſel's gazzette is the voucher of P--.
That for hunting, blundering, boxer John Bull. Whoſe brains are transferr'd to his gut from his ſkull, Gave his wife a loud ſmack, and cry'd, Zounds, never yet Didſt thou whelp me a cub, ſo much mine as my P--.
​Let bumpers of cyder unboundedly flow, Which farmers, from duties exempt, may beſtow; How juſt the exemption, I care not a whit, 'Tis my humour, my wiſh, and the pleaſure of P--.
With his art of perſuaſion what rival can cope? Each hem is conviction; each belch is a trope; How deplorably Athens and Rome are beſhit, Their ſquibs ne'er can match the exploſions of P--.
When his forces are weak, and his partizans out, Opportunely his members are rack'd with the gout; But his party collected away goes the fit: So kind, ſo obſequious, is nature to P..
Let demagogues trumpet the praiſe of the nation, For cautious and delicate uſe of taxation; America, conſcious of gaining the hit, Will aſſert independence ſupported by P--.
With joyful preſages, the genius of France, Views her navy encreaſe, and her commerce advance; View the Lords of the occean their colou s ſubmit, Deterr'd by the thunder ſhe borrow'd from P--.
Old Scotia, too late, for her freedom alarm'd, Her Majeſty blaſted, her Thiſtle diſarm'd, Now, vainly, her impotent venom my ſpit: Juſt carſes and infamy trouble not P--.
So ſharpers of ſtate, their beſt game when they play, Seditious foment, and divide, to betray: But fame ſhall his wiſeſt precautions out-wit, And eternally brand the tranſactions of P--.
FINIS.
This work was published before January 1, 1929, and is in the public domain worldwide because the author died at least 100 years ago.
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