# The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift/Volume 7/Horace, Book I. Ep. V.

HORACE, BOOK I. EP. V.
JOHN DENNIS, THE SHELTERING POET'S INVITATION TO RICHARD STEELE, THE SECLUDED PARTY WRITER AND MEMBER, TO COME AND LIVE WITH HIM IN THE MINT. 1714.
Fit to be bound up with The Crisis.
IF thou canst lay aside a spendthrift's air, And condescend to feed on homely fare, Such as we Minters, with ragouts unstor'd, Will, in defiance of the law, afford: Quit thy patrols with Toby's Christmas box,5 And come to me at The Two Fighting Cocks; Since printing by subscription now is grown The stalest, idlest cheat about the town; And ev'n Charles Gildon, who, a papist bred, Has an alarm against that worship spread,10 Is practising those beaten paths of cruising, And for new levies on Proposals musing. 'Tis true, that Bloomsbury square's a noble place: But what are lofty buildings in thy case? What's a fine house embellish'd to profusion,15 Where shoulderdabbers are in execution? Or whence its timorous tenant seldom sallies, But apprehensive of insulting bailiffs? This once be mindful of a friend's advice, And cease to be improvidently nice;20 ​Exchange the prospects that delude thy sight, From Highgate's steep ascent and Hampstead's height, With verdant scenes, that, from St. George's field, More durable and safe enjoyments yield. Here I, ev'n I, that ne'er till now could find25 Ease to my troubled and suspicious mind, But ever was with jealousies possess'd, Am in a state of indolence and rest; Fearful no more of Frenchmen in disguise, Nor looking upon strangers as on spies,30 But quite divested of my former spleen, Am unprovok'd without, and calm within: And here I'll wait thy coming, till the sun Shall its diurnal course completely run. Think not that thou of sturdy bub shall fail,35 My landlord's cellar's stock'd with beer and ale, With every sort of malt that is in use, And every county's generous produce. The ready (for here Christian faith is sick, Which makes us seldom trespass upon tick)40 Instantly brings the choicest liquors out, Whether we ask for homebrew'd or for stout, For mead or cider, or, with dainties fed, Ring for a flask or two of white or red, Such as the drawer will not fail to swear45 Was drunk by Pilkington when third time mayor. That name, methinks, so popularly known For opposition to the church and crown, Might make the Lusitanian grape to pass, And almost give a sanction to the glass;50 Especially with thee, whose hasty zeal Against the late rejected commerce bill Made thee rise up, like an audacious elf, To do the speaker honour, not thyself. ​But, if thou soar'st above the common prices,55 By virtue of subscription to thy Crisis, And nothing can go down with thee, but wines Press'd from Burgundian and Campanian vines, Bid them be brought; for, though I hate the French, I love their liquors, as thou lov'st a wench;60 Else thou must humble thy expensive taste, And, with us, hold contentment for a feast. The fire's already lighted; and the maid Has a clean cloth upon the table laid, Who never on a Saturday had struck,65 But for thy entertainment, up a buck. Think of this act of grace, which by your leave Susan would not have done on Easter Eve, Had she not been inform'd over and over 'Twas for th' ingenious author of The Lover.70 Cease therefore to beguile thyself with hopes, Which is no more than making sandy ropes, And quit the vain pursuit of loud applause, That must bewilder thee in faction's cause. Pry'thee what is't to thee who guides the state?75 Why Dunkirk's demolition is so late? Or why her majesty thinks fit to cease The din of war, and hush the world to peace? The clergy too, without thy aid, can tell What texts to choose, and on what topicks dwell;80 And, uninstructed by thy babbling, teach Their flocks celestial happiness to reach. Rather let such poor souls as you and I, Say that the holydays are drawing nigh, And that tomorrow's sun begins the week,85 Which will abound with store of ale and cake, With hams of bacon, and with powder'd beef, Stuff'd to give field-itinerants relief. ​Then I, who have within these precincts kept, And ne'er beyond the chimneysweeper's stept,90 Will take a loose, and venture to be seen, Since 'twill be Sunday, upon Shanks's green; There, with erected looks and phrase sublime, To talk of unity of place and time, And with much malice, mix'd with little satire,95 Explode the wits on t'other side o' th' water. Why has my lord Godolphin's special grace Invested me with a queen's waiter's place, If I, debarr'd of festival delights, Am not allow'd to spend the perquisites?100 He's but a short remove from being mad, Who at a time of jubilee is sad, And, like a griping usurer, does spare His money to be squander'd by his heir; Flutter'd away in liveries and in coaches,105 And washy sorts of feminine debauches. As for my part, whate'er the world may think, I'll bid adieu to gravity, and drink; And, though I can't put off a woeful mien, Will be all mirth and cheerfulness within:110 As, in despight of a censorious race, I most incontinently suck my face. What mighty projects does not he design, Whose stomach flows, and brain turns round with wine? Wine, powerful wine, can thaw the frozen cit,115 And fashion him to humour and to wit; Makes even S**** to disclose his art, By racking every secret from his heart, As he flings off the statesman's sly disguise, To name the cuckold's wife with whom he lies.120 ​Ev'n Sarum, when he quaffs it stead of tea, Fancies himself in Canterbury's see, And S****** when he carousing reels, Imagines that he has regain'd the seals: W******, by virtue of his juice, can fight,125 And Stanhope of commissioners make light. Wine gives lord Wingham aptitude of parts, And swells him with his family's deserts: Whom can it not make eloquent of speech? Whom in extremest poverty not rich?130 Since, by the means of the prevailing grape, Th****n can Lechmere's warmth not only ape, But, half seas o'er, by its inspiring bounties, Can qualify himself in several counties. What I have promised, thou mayst rest assur'd,135 Shall faithfully and gladly be procur'd. Nay, I'm already better than my word, New plates and knives adorn the jovial board: And, lest thou at their sight shouldst make wry faces, The girl has scour'd the pots, and wash'd the glasses,140 Ta'en care so excellently well to clean 'em, That thou mayst see thine own dear picture in 'em. Moreover, due provision has been made, That conversation may not be betray'd; I have no company but what is proper145 To sit with the most flagrant whig at supper. There's not a man among them but must please, Since they're as like each other as are peas. Toland and Hare have jointly sent me word, They'll come; and Kennett thinks to make a third,150 Provided he's no other invitation, From men of greater quality and station. Room will for Oldmixon and J—s be left: But their discourses smell so much of theft, ​There would be no abiding in the room,155 Should two such ignorant pretenders come. However by this trusty bearer write, If I should any other scabs invite; Though if I may my serious judgment give, I'm wholly for king Charles's number five:160 That was the stint in which that monarch fix'd, Who would not be with noisiness perplex'd: And that, if thou'lt agree to think it best, Shall be our tale of heads, without one other guest. I've nothing more, now this is said, to say,165 But to request thou'lt instantly away. And leave the duties of thy present post, To some well-skill'd retainer in a host; Doubtless he'll carefully thy place supply, And o'er his grace's horses have an eye.170 While thou, who slunk through postern more than once, Dost by that means avoid a crowd of duns, And, crossing o'er the Thames at Temple stairs, Leav'st Philips with good words to cheat their ears.