# Punch/Volume 147/Issue 3825/Charivaria

A weekly selection of short humorous items, normally on the first page of each issue.
CHARIVARIA.
Reports that Germany is not best pleased with Austria-Hungary are peculiarly persistent just now. There would indeed seem to be good grounds for Germany's displeasure, for a gentleman just returned from Budapest ways that the Hungarian Minister of the Interior has actually issued an official circular to the mayors and prefects throughout the land enjoining upon them the duty of treating citizens of hostile states sojourning in their midst with humanity and sympathy.
Inquisitive people are asking, "What is the Kaiser's quarrel with the Bavarians?" He is reported to have said, the other day, "My wish for the English is that one day they will have to fight the Bavarians."
The King of Bavaria, by the way, has been operated upon for a swelling of the shoulder blade. We are glad to hear that he is progressing favourably, and it is hoped that the swelling will not, as in the case of another distinguished patient, spread to the head.
For the following little story we are indebted to the German army:— "Fears are now entertained of an epidemic breaking in out among the German troops in Antwerp, as, the German artillery having destroyed the municipal waterworks, there is no drinkable water available."
Several striking suggestions have reacher the authorities in connection with the danger from Zeppelins. One is that St. Paul's Cathedral and Westminster Abbey should be covered over with dark cloths every night, and that shoddy reproductions of these edifices should be run up in another part of London, and be brilliantly illuminated so as to attract the attention of the enemy.
Another method of confusing the airships, it is pointed out, would be to drain the Thames, and to flood a great thoroughfare, say that from the Bank to Shepherd's Bush, and to place barges on it so that it would be mistaken for the river and cause the airmen to lose their bearings.
Meanwhile the authorities who are responsible for the safety of London are said to be anxious to hear of an intrepid airman who will undertake to paint out the moon.
There are, of course, always pessimists among us, but we would beg the editor of The Barmouth and County Advertiser to try not to be downhearted. Impressed, no doubt, by the recent sale of two German warships to Turkey, he gives voice to the following opinion in a leader:—"Our Fleet to-day is supreme; but no one knows when an auction may take place..."
It has suddenly become more imperative than ever that the War should be finished quickly. A publishing firm has issued the first volume of a history of the war with an announcement that it will be completed in four volumes at a fixed price. If the war should last longer than a year the last volume threatens to achieve such a size that the publisher would either have to go back on his word or be ruined.
The L.C.C. has just produced a new, revised, up-to-date and fully detailed map of London, and the German War Office is furious to think that it has been put to the needless expense of compiling a similar document itself.
It has been pointed out that the War has had a most satisfactory effect on criminality. And even in civil actions witnesses would seem to be turning over a new leaf, and even insisting on giving evidence against themselves. For example, we learn from The Northwood Gazette that a van driver, charged the other day with damaging a motorcar, said in cross-examination:—"I pulled up about fifteen years after the accident happened."
In spite of the War our Law Courts pursue the even tenour of their way, and the Divisional Court has just been asked to decide the important question, Is ice-cream meat? Personally we should say that, where it is made from unfiltered water, the answer is in the affirmative.
   "DE WET OF THE SEA."
   Daily Mail.
We should have thought this well-known characteristic was hardly worth mentioning.
   "DISGUISED SPIES"
was the title of a paragraph in a contemporary last week. These cases must surely be exceptional. We always think of spies as wearing a recognised uniform, or at least a label to indicate their profession.
   "CORK STEAMER SUNK BY MINE."—Evening News.
This war is shattering many of our illusions.
Mr. Fred Emney, who is now appearing at the Coliseum, would like it to be known that he is not an Alien Emney.