# Mrs. Potiphar Pays A Call

originally published in The Smart Set May 1912
SCENE [[— Billiard room of Riverview, city residence of the Prince of Heliopolis, Egypt, overlooking the Pelusiac branch of the Nile — thirty-seven hundred years ago. JOSEPH, son-in-law to the Prince of Heliopolis, is discovered seated; he is a man in his thirties, extraordinarily handsome and well dressed; he is reading a Board of Trade ticker; his wife, ASENATH, reclines on a chaise-longue, curling her lip over some late fiction.|— Billiard room of Riverview]]
ASENATH: (yawning) — Stupidest thing!
JOSEPH: (absently) — H'm.
ASENATH: — Stupid, I say — isn't it?
JOSEPH: — Awfully.
ASENATH: — I get so tired of these Assyrian publishers; they haven't sense enough to use papyrus, and that maid I sent away yesterday let fall two of the most exciting chapters and broke them into bits.
JOSEPH: — Umm'm.
ASENATH: — You're not listening — can't you leave that thing alone for one minute?
JOSEPH: — I heard you.
TICKER: — Click, click, click-click; dick, click-click-click, g-r-r!
JOSEPH: (reading moodily) — December's at seventy and an eighth.
ASENATH: — Are we going to take a cottage at Naucratis this year?
TICKER: — Click, clickety-click.
JOSEPH: (reading) — Three-eighths. (Enter a slave, who presents cards to ASENATH and remains waiting.)
ASENATH: (reading) — "Captain Potiphar, Mrs. Potiphar." Heavens, the Potiphars!
JOSEPH: — Great Rameses!
ASENATH: — I suppose I shall have to change. And it's too beastly hot.
JOSEPH: — No, no; you look very well, my dear.
ASENATH: — What in the world brought them into town in this weather?
JOSEPH: — Are we at home?
ASENATH: — Why not?
JOSEPH: — Well — oh, nothing. Sup pose you receive them — in the audience room, dear.
ASENATH: — I shall do nothing of the sort. They sent cards to us both. They're your friends, you know.
JOSEPH: — I don't feel up to seeing visitors this afternoon.
ASENATH: — Nonsense! You told me five minutes ago that you felt extraordinarily fit.
JOSEPH: — Yes — but that was then, you know.
ASENATH: — They're waiting, remember.
JOSEPH: — I can't see them.
ASENATH: (Turning to the slave.) — Show Mr. and Mrs. Potiphar in here. (The slave bows and goes out.)
JOSEPH: — Asenath! Didn't you hear me say I was not in?
ASENATH: — Yes.
JOSEPH: — Well, I meant it. I can't see that woman.
ASENATH: — Piffle! Why should you be afraid of her?
JOSEPH: (Vaguely.) — Oh, well — you see — (Explosively.) — I don't like her, darn it!
ASENATH: (Shocked.) — Joseph! And you a Biblical character!
JOSEPH: — I don't like her.
ASENATH: — You don't mean to say there was anything in that old story? I never believed it.
JOSEPH: — There was nothing in the story — nothing.
ASENATH: (Suspiciously.) — Then why are you so set against seeing her?
JOSEPH: — I'm not.
ASENATH: (Reflectively.) — If it is true that she fell in love with you and you jilted her, she would be the offended one and not you; yet she doesn't hesitate to call. Joseph, did you tag around after Mrs. Potiphar and get thrown over by her before you proposed to me? Answer me truthfully, for I don't propose to have any woman putting on airs over me!
JOSEPH: (Trying to laugh.) — I assure you that there was never anything between us. I know her, and that's all.
SLAVE: (Appearing at the doorway.) — Captain Potiphar and Mrs. Potiphar.
(The slave goes out; the POTIPHARS enter.)
MRS. POTIPHAR: — Oh, Asenath, darling, I'm so glad we've found you in!
ASENATH: — So glad to see you, dear! How d'y'do, Captain Potiphar? Such a pleasant surprise!
POTIPHAR: — Glad, frightfully, you know.
JOSEPH: (Adopting a hearty manner.) — Mrs. Potiphar, charmed! How d'y'do, Potiphar? Quite like old times to see you both!
MRS. POTIPHAR: — Ah, Joseph, how d'y'do? Why, you're getting a waist line, aren't you? Dear me!
JOSEPH: (Savagely, buttoning his coat over his waistcoat.) — Not at all. Haven't gained ten pounds in ten years!
MRS. POTIPHAR: (Shaking her finger playfully.) — Fibber! You're as picturesque about facts as ever, Joseph.
ASENATH: — Did you come down by boat?
MRS. POTIPHAR: — No; Captain Potiphar wanted to try out his new chariot at touring, so we came that way.
JOSEPH: — Must have been a bit warm.
POTIPHAR: — No, no; made our own breeze, y'know; best chariot on the market.
JOSEPH: — Good, eh?
POTIPHAR: — Yes. Made Cairo in no time; lunched at Shepheard's.
MRS. POTIPHAR: — The hotel fairly reeks with Israelites.
POTIPHAR: (His jaw dropping at his wife's remark, and smiling uneasily at JOSEPH.) — No offense, old man. Not your sort, of course; lot of bounders — • merchants, y'know.
MRS. POTIPHAR — So silly of me to forget!
ASENATH: — Well, we're so glad you're here. You must stay. (Putting her arm around MRS. POTIPHAR.) You know, dear, you and I have never really had a good comfy talk. And you knew Joseph so well before I even had met him.
MRS. POTIPHAR: — Did I really know you well, Joseph?
JOSEPH: (Mirthlessly.) — Haw, haw!
POTIPHAR: — Oh, I say, y'know, my dear!
ASENATH: (With her cheek against MRS. POTIPHAR'S.) — Joseph has told me over and over that when he first came to Egypt he'd have been dreadfully home sick if you hadn't mothered him so well.
MRS. POTIPHAR: — "Mothered"! Oh, yes, I did come out two seasons before you, darling.
TICKER: — Click, click, dickety-dick.
POTIPHAR: — Oh, I say, how's the market today, Joseph?
JOSEPH: — Stronger.
POTIPHAR: (Anxiously.) — Corn, of course.
JOSEPH: — Of course. December's touched seventy-one.
ASENATH: — Oh, if you two are going to talk Corn — Come on, dear; I've some of the sweetest Assyrian drawnwork —
(She leads MRS. POTIPHAR to one side and returns hastily to whisper to JOSEPH. POTIPHAR has stepped to the ticker and is examining the tape with a frown.)
ASENATH: (Aside.) — What is her first name, Joseph? She calls me by mine, and I can't think of hers to save my life.
JOSEPH: — Goos — I don't remember, either. Don't believe I ever knew it.
ASENATH: — Then "Goosie" was just your pet name for her? (She goes back to MRS. POTIPHAR, with a triumphant glance over her shoulder at JOSEPH, whose face shows his consciousness of his step.)
POTIPHAR: (Reading.) — Seven-eighths. Good Apis — seventy-two! Look here, old chap, I hear that Pharaoh's behind this bull market. You know all about it, of course — is that straight? JOSEPH: — Can't say, I'm sure.
POTIPHAR: — Oh, I say, let bygones be bygones —
(JOSEPH lights a cigar without replying.)
MRS. POTIPHAR: — Did you hear that the Princess Hra and her charioteer ran off and were married in Thebes day before yesterday?
ASENATH: — Really?
MRS. POTIPHAR: — Really! But of course you knew the talk — it's been coming on for weeks.
POTIPHAR: (Continuing.) — I'm in this quite a deal, you know.
JOSEPH — You look for a decline, then?
POTIPHAR (wiping his forehead) — My brokers are bearish. Do tell what you think — that's a good chap!
JOSEPH (slowly) — I understand that the crop is to be bigger than ever — bumper.
POTIPHAR — Government report out?
JOSEPH — Not yet; I give you that ahead.
(POTIPHAR looks at him with an agony of inquiry. JOSEPH nods three times, with extreme solemnity.)
POTIPHAR — Say, that's awf'ly white, old man! Sha'n't forget it, y'know.
MRS. POTIPHAR — What a lovely Tem ple of the Sun you have here!
ASENATH — Hush; don't let Joseph hear you. He's so fearfully unorthodox.
MRS. POTIPHAR (smiling dreamily) — I remember when he — (She stops abruptly.)
JOSEPH — You're in Corn pretty strong, I take it, Potiphar?
POTIPHAR — Just between you and me — down to my suspenders.
JOSEPH (smiling) — You Egyptians make us Israelites look like pikers.
POTIPHAR (complacently) — Well, I've always been a man of action and that sort of thing, y'know.
JOSEPH (drily) — As, for instance, when you turned me over to the District Attorney.
POTIPHAR — Oh, come; you know I couldn't help it. (In a lower tone.) The missus raised Ned until I did it. I never believed it of you, old fellow — ridiculous on the face of it. Why should you be playing about with Mrs. Potiphar, a young dog like yourself, with all Egypt to choose from? Ha, ha!
JOSEPH — Still, two years of the stone pile was a bit thick, now wasn't it? POTIPHAR — Dashed if I see yet how you got in so strong with Pharaoh!
JOSEPH: (Smiling enigmatically.) — Shoot a little pool, old man? (They move toward the pool table.)
MRS. POTIPHAR — Potiphar, you can't begin playing; you've that rear tire to see about, you know.
POTIPHAR — Darn the chariot! Let's go back by camel.
MRS. POTIPHAR — And Asenath hasn't shown us her boys yet.
ASENATH — So sorry — they're with their governess at the seashore.
MRS. POTIPHAR — We must be going. Do come in and see us when you're in Memphis. You, too, Joseph.
JOSEPH — Delighted. Same house?
MRS. POTIPHAR — Same house — I'm so glad you remember it. (Brightly.) Good bye, Asenath, darling. Come, Potiphar.
ASENATH— Oh, don't go. Let me ring for tea.
POTIPHAR — Afraid we can't, y'know. Must reach Cairo before dark.
MRS. POTIPHAR — Good-bye. (She kisses ASENATH.) Good-bye, Joseph.
JOSEPH and ASENATH — Good-bye. So glad you came!
(CAPTAIN POTIPHAR and his wife go out. As the door closes, ASENATH bursts into tears.)
ASENATH — The horrid, horrid cat! JOSEPH — Oh, see here, don't be silly!
ASENATH (sobbing) — It's true — it's true!
JOSEPH — Let me tell you — they're as good as busted right now.
ASENATH — What do you mean?
JOSEPH — That ass Potiphar has put his last later on selling Corn. He's a bankrupt today. I own every bushel in Egypt. It will be all over in another week.
ASENATH (checking her tears) — Then you've squared things with her?
JOSEPH — Down to the ground.
ASENATH— Oh, you angel!
This work is in the public domain in the United States because it was published before January 1, 1929.
The longest-living author of this work died in 1964, so this work is in the public domain in countries and areas where the copyright term is the author's life plus 59 years or less. This work may be in the public domain in countries and areas with longer native copyright terms that apply the rule of the shorter term to foreign works.
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