# Familiar Colloquies/On Speaking Untruthfully

PHILETYMUS and PSEUDOCHEUS.
The ARGUMENT.
This Colloquy sets forth the Disposition and Nature of a Liar, who seems to be born to lie for crafty Gain. A Liar is a Thief. Gain got by Lying, is baser than that which is got by a Tax upon Urine. An egregious Method of deceiving is laid open. Cheating Tradesmen live better than honest ones.
| Phil. | From what Fountain does this Flood of Lies flow? |
| Pseud. | From whence do Spiders Webs proceed? |
| Phil. | Then it is not the Product of Art, but of Nature. |
| Pseud. | The Seeds indeed proceed from Nature; but Art and Use have enlarg'd the Faculty. |
| Phil. | Why, are you not asham'd of it? |
| Pseud. | No more than a Cuckow is of her Singing. |
| Phil. | But you can alter your Note upon every Occasion. The Tongue of Man was given him to speak the Truth. |
| Pseud. | Ay, to speak those Things that tend to his Profit: The Truth is not to be spoken at all Times. |
| Phil. | It is sometimes for a Man's Advantage to have pilfering Hands; and the old Proverb is a Witness, that that is a Vice that is Cousin-German to yours of Lying. |
| Pseud. | Both these Vices are supported by good Authorities: One has Ulysses, so much commended by Homer, and the other has Mercury, that was a God, for its Example, if we believe the Poets. |
| Phil. | Why then do People in common curse Liars, and hang Thieves? |
| Pseud. | Not because they lie or steal, but because they do it bunglingly or unnaturally, not rightly understanding the Art. |
| Phil. | Is there any Author that teaches the Art of Lying? |
| Pseud. | Your Rhetoricians have instructed in the best Part of the Art. |
| Phil. | These indeed present us with the Art of well speaking. |
| Pseud. | True: and the good Part of speaking well, is to lie cleverly. |
| Phil. | What is clever Lying? |
| Pseud. | Would you have me define it? |
| Phil. | I would have you do it. |
| Pseud. | It is to lie so, that you may get Profit by it, and not be caught in a Lie. |
| Phil. | But a great many are caught in lying every Day. |
| Pseud. | That's because they are not perfect Masters of the Art. |
| Phil. | Are you a perfect Master in it? |
| Pseud. | In a Manner. |
| Phil. | See, if you can tell me a Lie, so as to deceive me. |
| Pseud. | Yes, best of Men, I can deceive you yourself, if I have a Mind to it. |
| Phil. | Well, tell me some Lie or other then. |
| Pseud. | Why, I have told one already, and did you not catch me in it? |
| Phil. | No. |
| Pseud. | Come on, listen attentively; now I'll begin to lie then. |
| Phil. | I do listen attentively; tell one. |
| Pseud. | Why, I have told another Lie, and you have not caught me. |
| Phil. | In Truth, I hear no Lie yet. |
| Pseud. | You would have heard some, if you understood the Art. |
| Phil. | Do you shew it me then. |
| Pseud. | First of all, I call'd you the best of Men, is not that a swinging Lie, when you are not so much as good? And if you were good, you could not be said to be the best, there are a thousand others better than you. |
| Phil. | Here, indeed, you have deceiv'd me. |
| Pseud. | Well, now try if you can catch me again in another Lie. |
| Phil. | I cannot. |
| Pseud. | I want to have you shew that Sharpness of Wit, that you do in other Things. |
| Phil. | I confess, I am deficient. Shew me. |
| Pseud. | When I said, now I will begin to lie, did I not tell you a swinging Lie then, when I had been accustomed to lie for so many Years, and I had also told a Lie, just the Moment before. |
| Phil. | An admirable Piece of Witchcraft. |
| Pseud. | Well, but now you have been forewarn'd, prick up your Ears, listen attentively, and see if you can catch me in a Lie. |
| Phil. | I do prick them up; say on. |
| Pseud. | I have said already, and you have imitated me in lying. |
| Phil. | Why, you'll persuade me I have neither Ears nor Eyes by and by. |
| Pseud. | When Mens Ears are immoveable, and can neither be prick'd up nor let down, I told a Lie in bidding you prick up your Ears. |
| Phil. | The whole Life of Man is full of such Lies. |
| Pseud. | Not only such as these, O good Man, for these are but Jokes: But there are those that bring Profit. |
| Phil. | The Gain that is got by Lying, is more sordid, than that which is got by laying a Tax on Urine. |
| Pseud. | That is true, I own; but then 'tis to those that han't the Art of lying. |
| Phil. | What Art is this that you understand? |
| Pseud. | It is not fit I should teach you for nothing; pay me, and you shall hear it. |
| Phil. | I will not pay for bad Arts. |
| Pseud. | Then will you give away your Estate? |
| Phil. | I am not so mad neither. |
| Pseud. | But my Gain by this Art is more certain than yours from your Estate. |
| Phil. | Well, keep your Art to yourself, only give me a Specimen that I may understand that what you say is not all Pretence. |
| Pseud. | Here's a Specimen for you: I concern myself in all Manner of Business, I buy, I sell, I receive, I borrow, I take Pawns. |
| Phil. | Well, what then? |
| Pseud. | And in these Affairs I entrap those by whom I cannot easily be caught. |
| Phil. | Who are those? |
| Pseud. | The soft-headed, the forgetful, the unthinking, those that live a great Way off, and those that are dead. |
| Phil. | The Dead, to be sure, tell no Tales. |
| Pseud. | If I sell any Thing upon Credit, I set it down carefully in my Book of Accounts. |
| Phil. | And what then? |
| Pseud. | When the Money is to be paid, I charge the Buyer with more than he had. If he is unthinking or forgetful, my Gain is certain. |
| Phil. | But what if he catches you? |
| Pseud. | I produce my Book of Accounts. |
| Phil. | What if he informs you, and proves to your Face he has not had the Goods you charge him with? |
| Pseud. | I stand to it stiffly; for Bashfulness is altogether an unprofitable Qualification in this Art. My last Shift is, I frame some Excuse or other. |
| Phil. | But when you are caught openly? |
| Pseud. | Nothing's more easy, I pretend my Servant has made a Mistake, or I myself have a treacherous Memory: It is a very pretty Way to jumble the Accounts together, and this is an easy Way to impose on a Person: As for Example, some are cross'd out, the Money being paid, and others have not been paid; these I mingle one with another at the latter End of the Book, nothing being cross'd out. When the Sum is cast up, we contend about it, and I for the most Part get the better, tho' it be by forswearing myself. Then besides, I have this Trick, I make up my Account with a Person when he is just going a Journey, and not prepared for the Settling it. For as for me, I am always ready. If any Thing be left with me, I conceal it, and restore it not again. It is a long Time before he can come to the Knowledge of it, to whom it is sent; and, after all, if I can't deny the receiving of a Thing, I say it is lost, or else affirm I have sent that which I have not sent, and charge it upon the Carrier. And lastly, if I can no Way avoid restoring it, I restore but Part of it. |
| Phil. | A very fine Art. |
| Pseud. | Sometimes I receive Money twice over, if I can: First at Home, afterwards there where I have gone, and I am every where. Sometimes Length of Time puts Things out of Remembrance: The Accounts are perplexed, one dies, or goes a long Journey: And if nothing else will hit, in the mean Time I make Use of other People's Money. I bring some over to my Interest, by a Shew of Generosity, that they may help me out in lying; but it is always at other People's Cost; of my own, I would not give my own Mother a Doit. And tho' the Gain in each Particular may be but small; but being many put together, makes a good round Sum; for as I said, I concern myself in a great many Affairs; and besides all, that I may not be catch'd, as there are many Tricks, this is one of the chief. I intercept all the Letters I can, open them, and read them. If any Thing in them makes against me, I destroy them, or keep them a long Time before I deliver them: And besides all this, I sow Discord between those that live at a great Distance one from another. |
| Phil. | What do you get by that? |
| Pseud. | There is a double Advantage in it. First of all, if that is not performed that I have promised in another Person's Name, or in whose Name I have received any Present, I lay it to this or that Man's Door, that it was not performed, and so these Forgeries I make turn to a considerable Account. |
| Phil. | But what if he denies it? |
| Pseud. | He's a great Way off, as suppose at Basil; and I promise to give it in England. And so it is brought about, that both being incensed, neither will believe the one the other, if I accuse them of any Thing. Now you have a Specimen of my Art. |
| Phil. | But this Art is what we Dullards call Theft; who call a Fig a Fig, and a Spade a Spade. |
| Pseud. | O Ignoramus in the Law! Can you bring an Action of Theft for Trover or Conversion, or for one that having borrow'd a Thing forswears it, that puts a Trick upon one, by some such Artifice? |
| Phil. | He ought to be sued for Theft. |
| Pseud. | Do but then see the Prudence of Artists. From these Methods there is more Gain, or at least as much, and less Danger. |
| Phil. | A Mischief take you, with your cheating Tricks and Lies, for I han't a Mind to learn 'em. Good by to ye. |
| Pseud. | You may go on, and be plagu'd with your ragged Truth. In the mean Time, I'll live merrily upon my thieving, lying Tricks, with Slight of Hand. |