# The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift/Volume 8/Polite Conversation - Dialog III.

DIALOGUE III.
The Ladies at their tea.
Lady Smart.
WELL, ladies; now let us have a cup of discourse to ourselves.
Lady Answ. What do you think of your friend, sir John Spendall?
Lady Smart. Why, madam, 'tis happy for him that his father was born before him.
Miss. They say, he makes a very ill husband to my lady.
Lady Answ. But he must be allowed to be the fondest father in the world.
Lady Smart. Ay, madam, that's true; for they say, the devil is kind to his own.
Miss. I am told, my lady manages him to admiration.
Lady Smart. That I believe, for she's as cunning as a dead pig, but not half so honest.
Lady Answ. They say, she's quite a stranger to all his gallantries.
Lady Smart. Not at all; but you know, there's none so blind as they that won't see.
Miss. O, madam, I am told, she watches him as a cat would watch a mouse.
Lady Answ. Well, if she ben't foully belied, she pays him in his own coin.
Lady Smart. Madam, I fancy I know your thoughts, as well as if I were within you.
​Lady Answ. Madam, I was t' other day in company with Mrs. Clatter; I find she gives herself airs of being acquainted with your ladyship.
Miss. O! the hideous creature! did you observe her nails? they were long enough to scratch her grannum out of her grave.
Lady Smart. Well, she and Tom Gosling were banging compliments backward and forward: it look'd like two asses scrubbing one another.
Miss. Ay, claw me, and I'll claw you; but, pray, madam, who were the company?
Lady Smart. Why there was all the world, and his wife; there was Mrs. Clatter, lady Singular, the countess of Talkham (I should have named her first), Tom Gosling, and some others, whom I have forgot.
Lady Answ. I think the countess is very sickly.
Lady Smart. Yes madam; she'll never scratch a gray head, I promise her.
Miss. And, pray, what was your conversation?
Lady Smart. Why, Mrs. Clatter had all the talk to herself, and was perpetually complaining of her misfortunes.
Lady Answ. She brought her husband ten thousand pounds: she has a town house and country house: would the woman have her a— hung with points?
Lady Smart. She would fain be at the top of the house before the stairs are built.
Miss. Well, comparisons are odious; but she's as like her husband as if she were spit out of his mouth; as like as one egg is to another: pray, how was she drest?
Lady Smart. Why, she was as fine as fi'pence; ​but, truly, I thought there was more cost than worship.
Lady Answ. I don't know her husband: pray what is he?
Lady Smart. Why, he's a counsellor of the law; you must know he came to us as drunk as David's sow.
Miss. What kind of creature is he?
Lady Smart. You must know, the man and his wife are coupled like rabbits, a fat and a lean; he's as fat as a porpus, and she's one of Pharaoh's lean kine: the ladies and Tom Gosling were proposing a party at quadrille; but he refused to make one: Damn your cards, said he, they are the devil's books.
Lady Answ. A dull, unmannerly brute! Well, God send him more wit, and me more money.
Miss. Lord! madam, I would not keep such company for the world.
Lady Smart. O miss, 'tis nothing when you are used to it: besides, you know, for want of company, welcome trumpery.
Miss. Did your ladyship play?
Lady Smart. Yes, and won; so I came off with fiddlers fare, meat, drink, and money.
Lady Answ. Ay; what says Pluck?
Miss. Well, my elbow itches; I shall change bedfellows.
Lady Smart. And my right hand itches; I shall receive money.
Lady Answ. And my right eye itches; I shall cry.
Lady Smart. Miss, I hear your friend mistress Giddy has discarded Dick Shuttle: pray, has she got another lover?
​Miss. I hear of none.
Lady Smart. Why, the fellow's rich, and I think she was a fool to throw out her dirty water before she got clean.
Lady Answ. Miss, that's a very handsome gown of yours, and finely made; very genteel.
Miss. I am glad your ladyship likes it.
Lady Answ. Your lover will be in raptures; it becomes you admirably.
Miss. Ay; I assure you I won't take it as I have done; if this won't fetch him, the devil fetch him, say I.
Lady Smart. [To lady Answ.] Pray, madam, when did you see sir Peter Muckworm?
Lady Answ. Not this fortnight; I hear he's laid up with the gout.
Lady Smart. What does he do for it?
Lady Answ. I hear he's weary of doctoring it, and now makes use of nothing but patience and flannel.
Miss. Pray how does he and my lady agree?
Lady Answ. You know he loves her as the devil loves holy water.
Miss. They say, she plays deep with sharpers, that cheat her of her money.
Lady Answ. Upon my word, they must rise early that would cheat her of her money; sharp's the word with her; diamonds cut diamonds.
Miss. Well, but I was assured from a good hand, that she lost at one sitting to the tune of a hundred guineas; make money of that.
Lady Smart. Well, but do you hear that Mrs. Plump is brought to bed at last?
Miss. And pray, what has God sent her?
​Lady Smart. Why, guess if you can.
Miss. A boy, I suppose.
Lady Smart. No, you are out; guess again.
Miss. A girl then.
Lady Smart. You have hit it; I believe you are a witch.
Miss. O madam, the gentlemen say, all fine ladies are witches; but I pretend to no such thing.
Lady Answ. Well she had good luck to draw Tom Plump into wedlock; she ris' wath her a— upwards.
Miss. Fie, madam; what do you mean?
Lady Smart. O miss, 'tis nothing what we say among ourselves.
Miss. Ay, madam; but they say, hedges have eyes, and walls have ears.
Lady Answ. Well, miss, I can't help it; you know, I'm old Telltruth; I love to call a spade a spade.
Lady Smart. [mistakes the teatongs for the spoon.] What! I think my wits are a wool-gathering to day.
Miss. Why, madam, there was but a right and a wrong.
Lady Smart. Miss, I hear that you and lady Coupler are as great as cup and can.
Lady Answ. Ay, miss, as great as the devil and the earl of Kent.
Lady Smart. Nay, I am told you meet together with as much love as there is between the old cow and the haystack.
Miss. I own I love her very well; but there's difference between staring and stark mad.
Lady Smart. They say, she begins to grow fat.
Miss. Fat! ay, fat as a hen in the forehead.
Lady Smart. Indeed, lady Answerall (pray forgive ​me) I think your ladyship looks thinner than when I saw you last.
Miss. Indeed, madam, I think not; but your ladyship is one of Job's comforters.
Lady Answ. Well, no matter how I look; I am bought and sold: but really, miss, you are so very obliging, that I wish I were a handsome young lord for your sake.
Miss. O madam, your love's a million.
Lady Smart [to lady Answ.] Madam, will your ladyship let me wait on you to the play to morrow?
Lady Answ. Madam, it becomes me to wait on your ladyship.
Miss. What, then, I'm turned out for a wrangler!
The gentlemen come in to the ladies to drink tea.
Miss. Mr. Neverout, we wanted you sadly; you are always out of the way when you should be hang'd.
Neverout. You wanted me! pray, miss, how do you look when you lie?
Miss. Better than you when you cry. Manners indeed! I find you mend like sour ale in summer.
Neverout. I beg your pardon, miss; I only meant, when you lie alone.
Miss. That's well turn'd; one turn more would have turn'd you down stairs.
Neverout. Come, miss, be kind for once, and order me a dish of coffee.
Miss. Pray, go yourself; let us wear out the oldest: besides, I can't go, for I have a bone in my leg.
Col. They say, a woman need but look on her apronstring to find an excuse.
Neverout. Why, miss, you are grown so peevish, a dog would not live with you.
​Miss. Mr. Neverout, I beg your diversion: no offence, I hope; but truly in a little time you intend to make the colonel as bad as yourself; and that's as bad as can be.
Neverout. My lord, don't you think miss improves wonderfully of late? why, miss, if I spoil the colonel, I hope you will use him as you do me; for you know, love me, love my dog.
Col. How's that, Tom? Say that again: why, if I am a dog, shake hands, brother.
Here a great, loud, long laugh.
Ld. Smart. But pray, gentlemen, why always so severe upon poor miss? on my conscience, colonel and Tom Neverout, one of you two are both knaves.
Col. My lady Answerall, I intend to do myself the honour of dining with your ladyship to morrow.
Lady Answ. Ay, colonel, do, if you can.
Miss. I'm sure you'll be glad to be welcome.
Col. Miss, I thank you; and to reward you, I'll come and drink tea with you in the morning.
Miss. Colonel, there's two words to that bargain.
Col. [to lady Smart.] Your ladyship has a very fine watch; well may you wear it.
Lady Smart. It is none of mine, colonel.
Col. Pray, whose is it then?
Lady Smart. Why, 'tis my lord's; for they say a married woman has nothing of her own, but her wedding-ring and her hair-lace: but if women had been the law makers it would have been better.
Col. This watch seems to be quite new.
Lady Smart. No, sir; it has been twenty years in my lord's family; but Quare put a new case and dial plate to it.
​Neverout. Why, that's for all the world like the man, who swore he kept the same knife forty years, only he sometimes changed the haft, and sometimes the blade.
Ld. Smart. Well, Tom, to give the devil his due, thou art a right woman's man.
Col. Odd so! I have broke the hinge of my snuff box; I'm undone beside the loss.
Miss. Alack-a-day, colonel! I vow I had rather have found forty shillings.
Neverout. Why, colonel; all that I can say to comfort you, is, that you must mend it with a new one.
Miss laughs.
Col. What, miss! you can't laugh, but you must show your teeth.
Miss. I'm sure you show your teeth, when you can't bite: well, thus it must be, if we sell ale.
Neverout. Miss, you smell very sweet; I hope you don't carry perfumes.
Miss. Perfumes! No, sir; I'd have you to know, it is nothing but the grain of my skin.
Col. Tom, you have a good nose to make a poor man's sow.
Ld. Sparkish. So, ladies and gentlemen, methinks you are very witty upon one another: come, box it about; 'twill come to my father at last.
Col. Why, my lord, you see miss has no mercy; I wish she were married but I doubt the gray mare would prove the better horse.
Miss. Well, God forgive you for that wish.
Ld. Sparkish. Never fear him, miss.
Miss. What, my lord, do you think I was born in a wood, to be afraid of an owl? ​Ld. Smart. What have you to say to that, colonel?
Neverout. O my lord, my friend the colonel scorns to set his wit against a child.
Miss. Scornful dogs will eat dirty puddings.
Col. Well, miss; they say, a woman's tongue is the last thing about her that dies; therefore let's kiss and be friends.
Miss. Hands off! that's meat for your master.
Ld. Sparkish. Faith, colonel, you are for ale and cakes: but after all, miss, you are too severe; you would not meddle with your match.
Miss. All they can say, goes in at one ear and out at t'other for me, I can assure you: only I wish they would be quiet, and let me drink my tea.
Neverout. What! I warrant you think all is lost that goes beside your own mouth.
Miss. Pray, Mr. Neverout, hold your tongue for once, if it be possible; one would think you were a woman in man's clothes by your prating.
Neverout. No, miss; it is not handsome to see one hold one's tongue: besides, I should slobber my fingers.
Col. Miss, did you never hear, that three women and a goose are enough to make a market?
Miss. I'm sure, if Mr. Neverout or you were among them, it would make a fair.
Footman comes in.
Lady Smart. Here, take away the tea-table, and bring up candles.
Lady Answ. O madam, no candles yet, I beseech you; don't let us burn daylight.
Neverout. I dare swear, miss for her part will never burn daylight, if she can help it.
​Miss. Lord, Mr. Neverout, one can't hear one's own ears for you.
Lady Smart. Indeed, madam, it is blindman's holiday; we shall soon be all of a colour.
Neverout. Why, then, miss, we may kiss where we like best.
Miss. Fogh! these men talk of nothing but kissing.
[She spits.
Neverout. What, miss, does it make your mouth water?
Lady Smart. It is as good be in the dark as without light; therefore pray bring in candles: they say, women and linen show best by candlelight: come, gentlemen, are you for a party at quadrille?
Col. I'll make one with you three ladies.
Lady Answ. I'll sit down, and be a stander by.
Lady Smart. [to Lady Answ.] Madam, does your ladyship never play?
Col. Yes; I suppose her ladyship plays sometimes for an egg at Easter.
Neverout. Ay; and a kiss at Christmas.
Lady Answ., Come, Mr. Neverout, hold your tongue, and mind your knitting.
Neverout. With all my heart; kiss my wife, and welcome.
The Colonel, Mr. Neverout, Lady Smart, and Miss, go to quadrille, and sit there till three in the morning.
They rise from cards.
Lady Smart. Well, miss, you'll have a sad husband, you have such good luck at cards.
Neverout. Indeed, miss, you dealt me sad cards; if you deal so ill by your friends, what will you do with your enemies?
​Lady Answ. I'm sure 'tis time for honest folks to be abed.
Miss. Indeed my eyes draw straws.
She's almost asleep.
Neverout. Why, miss, if you fall asleep, somebody may get a pair of gloves.
Col. I'm going to the land of Nod.
Neverout. Faith, I'm for Bedfordshire.
Lady Smart. I'm sure I shall sleep without rocking.
Neverout. Miss, I hope you'll dream of your sweetheart.
Miss. O, no doubt of it: I believe I shan't be able to sleep for dreaming of him.
Col. [to Miss.] Madam, shall I have the honour to escort you?
Miss. No, colonel, I thank you; my mamma has sent her chair and footmen. Well, my lady Smart, I'll give you revenge whenever you please.
Footman comes in.
Footman. Madam, the chairs are waiting.
They all take their chairs, and go off.