# Poetical Works of John Oldham/An Imitation of Horace

AN IMITATION OF HORACE.
BOOK I. — SATIRE IX.
Ibam forte via sacra, &c.
AS I was walking in the Mall of late,
Alone, and musing on I know not what;
Comes a familiar fop, whom hardly I
Knew by his name, and rudely seizes me:
'Dear sir, I'm mighty glad to meet with you:
And pray, how have you done this age, or two?'
'Well, I thank God,' said I, 'as times are now:
I wish the same to you.' And so passed on,
Hoping with this, the coxcomb would be gone.
But when I saw I could not thus get free,
I asked, what business else he had for me?
'Sir,' answered he, 'if learning, parts, or sense
Merit your friendship, I have just pretence.'
'I honour you,' said I, 'upon that score,
And shall be glad to serve you to my power.'
Meantime, wild to get loose, I try all ways
To shake him off; sometimes I walk apace,
Sometimes stand still; I frown, I chafe, I fret,
Shrug, turn my back, as in the Bagnio, sweat;
And show all kinds of signs to make him guess
At my impatience and uneasiness.
'Happy the folk in Newgate!' whispered I,
'Who, though in chains, are from this torment free;
Would I were like rough Manly in the play,
To send impertinents with kicks away!'
He all the while baits me with tedious chat,
Speaks much about the drought, and how the rate
Of hay is raised, and what it now goes at;
Tells me of a new comet at the Hague,
Portending God knows what, a dearth, or plague;
Names every wench that passes through the park,
How much she is allowed, and who the spark;
Who had ill hap at the groom-porter's board,
Three nights ago, in play with such a lord;
When he observed I minded not a word,
And did no answer to his trash afford,
'Sir, I perceive you stand on thorns,' said he,
'And fain would part; but, faith, it must not be;
Come, let us take a bottle.' I cried, 'No;
Sir, I'm an invalid, and dare not now.'
'Then tell me whither you desire to go :
I'll wait upon you.''Oh! sir, 'tis too far:
I visit cross the water; therefore spare
Your needless trouble.'’Trouble! sir, 'tis none:
'Tis more by half to leave you here alone.
I have no present business to attend, At least, which I'll not quit for such a friend. Tell me not of the distance; for, I vow, I'll cut the Line, double the Cape for you; Good faith, I will not leave you; make no words;
Go you to Lambeth? Is it to my lord's?
His steward I most intimately know,
Have often drunk with his comptroller too.'
By this I found my wheedle would not pass, But rather served my sufferings to increase;
And seeing 'twas in vain to vex, or fret,
I patiently submitted to my fate. Straight he begins again: 'Sir, if you knew
My worth but half so thoroughly as I do;
I'm sure you would not value any friend
You have, like me; but that I wont commend
Myself, and my own talents, I might tell
How many ways to wonder I excel.
None has a greater gift in poetry,
Or writes more verses with more ease than I;
I'm grown the envy of the men of wit,
I killed even Rochester with grief and spite;
Next for the dancing part I all surpass,
St. André never moved with such a grace;
And 'tis well known, whene'er I sing or set,
Humphreys, nor Blow, could ever match me yet.'
Here I got room to interrupt: ’Have you A mother, sir, or kindred living now?'
'Not one: they are all dead.''Troth, so I guessed:
'The happier they,' said I, 'who are at rest! Poor I am only left unmurdered yet;
Haste, I beseech you, and despatch me quite;
For I am well convinced, my time is come:
When I was young, a gipsy told my doom:
This lad (said she, and looked upon my hand,)
Shall not by sword, or poison come to's end,
Nor by the fever, dropsy, gout, or stone,
But he shall die by an eternal tongue;
Therefore, when he's grown up, if he be wise,
Let him avoid great talkers, I advise.'
By this time we were got to Westminster,
Where he by chance a trial had to hear,
And, if he were not there, his cause must fall:
’Sir, if you love me, step into the Hall
For one half-hour.''The devil take me now,'
Said I, 'if I know anything of law:
Besides, I told you whither I'm to go.'
Hereat he made a stand, pulled down his hat
Over his eyes, and mused in deep debate:
'I'm in a strait,' says he, 'what I shall do;
Whether forsake my business, sir, or you.'
'Me by all means,' say I.'No,' says my sot,
'I fear you'll take it ill, if I should do't;
I'm sure you will.''Not I, by all that's good,
But I’ve more breeding, than to be so rude.
Pray, don't neglect your own concerns for me;
Your cause, good sir!''My cause be damned,' says he,
'I value't less than your dear company.'
With this he came up to me, and would lead
The way; I, sneaking after, hung my head.
Next he begins to plague me with the plot,
Asks, whether I were known to Oates or not?
'Not I, thank Heaven! I no priest have been;
Have never Douay, nor St. Omer seen.'
'What think you, sir; will they the Joiner try?
Will he die, think you?''Yes, most certainly.'
'I mean, be hanged.''Would thou wert so,' wished I!
Religion came in next, though he'd no more
Than the noble peer, his punk, or confessor.
'Oh! the sad times, if once the king should die!
Sir, are you not afraid of popery?'
'No more than my superiors: why should I?
Come popery, come anything,' thought I,
’So heaven would bless me to get rid of thee!
But 'tis some comfort, that my hell is here;
I need no punishment hereafter fear.'
Scarce had I thought, but he falls on anew:
'How stands it, sir, betwixt his grace and you?'
'Sir, he's a man of sense above the crowd,
And shuns the converse of a multitude.'
'Ay, sir,' says he, 'you're happy who are near
His grace, and have the favour of his ear;
But let me tell you, if you'll recommend
This person here, your point will soon be gained.
Gad, sir, I'll die, if my own single wit
Don't fob his minions, and displace 'em quite, And make yourself his only favourite.'
'No, you are out abundantly,' said I,
'We live not, as you think; no family Throughout the whole three kingdoms is more free
From those ill customs, which are used to swarm
In great men's houses; none e'er does me harm,
Because more learned, or more rich than I;
But each man keeps his place, and his degree.'
' 'Tis mighty strange,' says he, 'what you relate.'
'But nothing truer, take my word for that.'
'You make me long to be admitted too
Amongst his creatures; sir, I beg, that you
Will stand my friend; your interest is such, You may prevail; I'm sure you can do much; He's one that may be won upon, I've heard,
Though at the first approach access be hard.
I'll spare no trouble of my own, or friends,
No cost in fees, and bribes to gain my ends;
I’ll seek all opportunities to meet
With him; accost him in the very street;
Hang on his coach, and wait upon him home,
Fawn, scrape and cringe to him, nay, to his groom.
Faith, sir, this must be done, if we'll be great;
Preferment comes not at a cheaper rate.'
While at this savage rate he worried me,
By chance a doctor, my dear friend, came by,
That knew the fellow's humour passing well;
Glad of the sight I join him; we stand still:
'Whence came you, sir? and whither go you now?'
And such like questions passed betwixt us two.
Straight I begin to pull him by the sleeve,
Nod, wink upon him, touch my nose, and give
A thousand hints, to let him know that I
Needed his help for my delivery;
He, naughty wag, with an arch fleering smile,
Seems ignorant of what I mean the while;
I grow stark wild with rage. 'Sir, said not you,
You'd somewhat to discourse, not long ago, With me in private?''I remember 't well. Some other time be sure, I will not fail;
Now I am in great haste upon my word;
A messenger came for me from a lord
That's in a bad condition, like to die.'
'Oh! sir, he can't be in a worse than I;
Therefore for God's sake do not stir from hence.'
'Sweet sir! your pardon; 'tis of consequence;
I hope you're kinder than to press my stay,
Which may be heaven knows what out of my way.'
This said, he left me to my murderer.
Seeing no hopes of my relief appear,
'Confoimded be the stars,' said I, 'that swayed
This fatal day! would I had kept my bed
With sickness, rather than be visited
With this worse plague! what ill have I e'er done,
To pull this curse, this heavy judgment down?'
While I was thus lamenting my ill hap,
Comes aid at length; a brace of bailiffs clap
The rascal on the back: 'Here take your fees,
Kind gentlemen,' said I, 'for my release.'
He would have had me bail. 'Excuse me, sir,
I've made a vow ne'er to be surety more;
My father was undone by 't heretofore.'
Thus I got off, and blessed the fates that he
Was prisoner made, I set at liberty.
* ↑ This is one of the pieces selected for particular approbation by Pope, It was written in June, 1681.
* ↑ A character in the Plain-Dealer.
* ↑ The famous dancing-master.
* ↑ The composer. Humphreys was a singer.
* ↑ College, the ’Protestant Joiner,' who wrote a satirical ballad on the removal of the Parliament, and was tried and executed on the 31st August, 1581, two months after the date of this humorous paraphrase of Horace.