# Crafty squire's garland/The Crafty Squire's Garland

date is estimated; probable date of printing is given as 1771-1810 in the catalogue of the National Library of Scotland
THE CRAFTY SQUIRE's GARLAND.
To the Tune of "The Highwayman."
YOU lovers that are in mirth inclined. Draw near to my ſlory, and ſoon you ſhall find, there's many a project young lovers find out. As appeals by the ſubject that I am about.
In fair London city a lady did dwell. Who for wit and beauty did many excel, ten thouſ’and pounds for her fortune had ſhe, And was courted by a lord of high degree.
At length upon one fire had fixed her heart, And they were agreed never more to part. Which made all the reſt of her lovers deſpair, But one by the powers above he did ſwear.
If he could not enjoy her marriage bed, He‘d ſurely put horns upon her huſband's head ; And it fell out, I vow and proteſt, He was invited one of the wedding gueſt.
She choſe him father to give her away, the bridegroom then ſmiling unto him did ſay, I thank you, kind ſir, for this preſent moſt fair, He anſwer'd, I wiſh you much joy, I declare.
But really, kind ſir, if I had my due, She had been my bride I give unto you; A ſumptuous dinner moſt glorious had they, With muſic and dancing all the long day.
the night being, come that the ladies ‘tis ſaid, Prepar'd to convoy the ſweet bride to her bed, the love ſick squire goes to the bed ſide, ​And there kindly takes his leave of the bride.
But vowing revenge on the bridegroom her dear, Now comes the cream of the jeſt you ſhall hear, Her huſband in France he’d got an eſtate, and to ſell the ſame he goes out of late.
Now ſaid the ſquire, this will be the time, I go to the lady and beg her to be kind; I can enjoy her now while he is gone, I make her a mother againſt his return.
Her huſband being gone over the ſeas, He goes to the lady his mind to eaſe; That ſay you, ſweet creature, he to her did ſay, Wilt thou not be kind now thy huſband's away.
Dear madam, remember how I've been abus'd, And how my favours they have been refus'd; Me make me amend, and grant me the bliſs,
For a ſlice of a cut loaf can never be miſs’d.
But what would my huſband ſay ſhould he know, And how I moſt have unkindly ſerv'd' him ſo, Y‘er mind cries the ſquire, the thing we'll ſmother, No harm I will do you, but make you a mother.
The lady cries to him, ſir, at ſuch a time, Meet me at my houſe, and in love we’d combine, But since my huſband is gone from home, I resolv’d I will not lie alone.
The ſquire then gave her a gentle ſalute, And that night took his leave without diſpute, reſolving to finiſh what he had begun. ​The froiickſome ſquire upon the ſame day, As he had appointed with the lady to ly, With the coachman footman, and ſteward agreed For fifty pounds, as a truth it is ſaid.
With child to get all the maids in the houſe, Or elſe for their pains they ſhould not have a ſous; The coachman ſaid. ſir, as ſure as a gun, We’re going to have a good piece of fun.
When he had arrived, a way goes the ſquire, Unto the young lady crying now my deſire, 1 hope l ſhall have, to enjoy my delight; The lady reply’d, ſo you ſhall, ſir, tonight.
The ſquire ſtript, and to bed went to his dear, And kiſs’d and embrac’d with very good cheer, The ſteward withh the houſe keeper lay in the next room, And then the footman m the garret did lie with Jean.
The chambermaid and the coachman alſo, To bed with each other did lovingly go ; This ſtory is enough to make a man wild.
For that very night they were all got with child.
In the morn the ſquire took leave of his dear, And goes to meet his companions, we hear. At the Devil-Tavern without Temple-bar, They met, and their paſtime began to declare.
The ſquire ſaid to them, boys, what do you ſay, Have you won the wager I with you did ſay. ​(illegible text)d you pleaſe the women, and do them no harm, farther than getting them with bearn?
The coachman cries, I’ll engage, never fear, Her I kiſs’d and hug’d her, and call’d her my dear, doubt not but the fifty pounds I have won, the girl is with child as ſure as a gun.
The footman ſaid I’ve done my endeavour, engage I have a daughter or a ſon; the ſteward ſaid, my game. I don't fear, gather’d above half a ſcore the laſt year.
The ſquire ſaid, this is very well known. then the time is come I will pay the turn unto each fifty pounds I will pay on the nail, it he’s to have nothing that doth fail.
And now we will leave the women to breed, and to the lord beyond ſea again proceed: having ſettled his matters he home did return, as the nine months were expir’d and gone.
Thoo’ the lady Was big in the waiſt, He kept it ſo private that none knew her cafe. that day her huſband came home to his dear, order’d a ſumptuous supper we hear.
a lady he took and kindly embrac’d, and ſaid my dear, you look big in the waiſt nothing but fat, my jewel, ſhe ſaid, would you have me be as ſlim as when l was a maid?
that before ſupper was part and o’er, made wry faces, beginning to roar, ​The gueſte at the table began to ſtare, But ſhe ſaid, the cholic, the cholic, I declare.
The doctor came there her puſe to feel. She ſaid, I’m in pain from head to heel: At which he ſmil'd and ſhook his head, And ſaid, you’ll be better when you’re brought a bed.
the ladies ſaid, ſir what means all that? But still ſhe cry’d, O the pain in my back! they anſwer’d, ’tis true as he has ſaid, So fetch a midwife and cull the chambermaid.
A midwife was ſent for, and when ſhe came, they call’d the ſervants all things to prepare. But the chambermaid anſwer'd out of the room, Indeed I’m ſo ſick I cannot come.
She ſet up her throat and gave ſuch a ſquall, the lord ſaid the devil was in them all ; He ran into the kitchen to call the cook-maid. But ſhe all along on the pouch ſick was laid.
He bid her riſe, ſhe with tears-ſhook her head, Crying, ſir, with the cholic I’m-almoſt dead; She roar’d till the made the houſe to ring, And the lord like a madman ran up again.
the houſemaid rang another, peal in his ear, And the noiſe to Cheſter you might almoſt hear; And the lady was brought robed of a ſon, then the midwife unto the chambermaid run.
Where quick a young daughter was born, as ſaid. then ſhe ran to the kitchen to the cook-maid, ​leſs than an hour two lovely fine babes were born, to couple the others, 'tis ſaid.
when the lying-in women were put into bed, the houſe-keeper then began to grow bad; to the place for the midwife ſhe ſent, Madam, to tell you the truth I am bent.
Indeed I am in labour as well as the reſt, Thy ſhould I deny it, it is not a jeſt; gueſts in a hurry went up ſtairs again; And put the woman out of her pain.
midwife ſaid, I hope I have done, And heartily with you much joy of your ſon; things being-ended with miſtreſs and maids, gentleman went to the lady and ſaid.
My dear I wiſh you much joy of your ſon; was the beſt night’s work that ever was done; that anſwer me one thing if you can, Were all theſe fine babes got by one man?
And me who did this maſculine thing; we’ll keep him to get ſoldiers for the king; The bluſhing to him no anſwer did make, While the lord ſcratch’d the horns on his pate.
He gave her a kiſs ſaying be of good cheer; the joke’s ſake I’ll pardon my dear, you was to blame in ſerving me ſo; She ſaid why did you away from me go.
There was candle above ſtairs and candle below When the gentry to viſit the lady did go: ​So the lord had a nurſery made for the babes;
And has put the horns in his pocket, 'tis ſaid,
the ſquire ſent for the babes fathers ſtraitway; It’s very well done my boys he did ſay; And for his recompence it ſhall be paid:
I ſee that you are all maſters of your trade.