# Kobiety (Women)/I

KOBIETY
I
ICE-PLAINS
Girt with a girdle of morning-glory and vetches in full blossom, and twining a great wreath of heavy corn-flowers round my head, I lie upon my back in the forest glade.
It is a fine summer afternoon, and sultry. In the pines overhead there is a faint murmur, continuous, a little sad; the birches, with their slender waving boughs, utter a quiet whisper, but no breeze is to be felt.
As I lie here, I presently fall to crooning a sing-song chant—not any known air, but one made up of many tunes, heard long ago, or never heard at all. The words, too, are either remembered, or they spring up as I sing. If the rhyme fails me, I do not break off the tune to find one, but make an assonance do just as well. So I sing of a dream I have dreamt, ​and then of love—hot, burning love,—and I end with an invocation to the Faun of the wood ; for my desire is toward him.
It is warm and still. By fits and starts birds chirp—so softly that they seem to be whispering. I half expect to see a chamois, with long horns curling back from its brow, peep out wistfully from between the birch-trunks.
The sun, shining athwart the leaves that quiver, flings mobile twinkling rounds of light upon the pine-needles. I close my eyes. A great bright stain appears, followed by a succession of rainbow hues, ending in a spot of scarlet flame.
It is warm and still. The scent of wild thyme is in my nostrils. Behold me, a woodland nymph, awaiting the Faun of the woods!
I have left my vast ice-plains, my Northern Lights, my cold silvery dreams among the stalactites of my grottoes, and have come to bask in the strong sunshine of life.
And I welcome life with a peal of laughter, the outcome of many a day of tortured thought and fruitless pondering. I yield myself up to it, not from any internal weakness, but submitting to its brutality with a supreme ​effort that crushes down all repulsion, all revolt.
Upon the ruins of my mystic dreams there has grown up a lush rank flower—the worship of Life and its delights.
And my resignation is ungrudging, royally complete: for I do love life, in spite of all.
My mind—my cruel, insatiable, gloomy mind—would have put happiness to death; but I now trample it down. To-day I will pluck the flame-red blossom of Life: and my song shall call upon the Faun!
No Faun comes to my call; but instead of his hoofs, I hear the gallop of a horse in the distance. Laying my ear to the ground, I make sure.
Yes, I know: it is Janusz, coming after me. So I cease from singing, and lie silent and without motion; he is riding along the forest pathway, and I hope he may miss me, hidden here among the pines. And yet I am not unaware that, should he ride past and not discover me, I should feel disappointed. Notwithstanding, I make no movement. The only deceit I care to shun is self-deceit.
Janusz, who has seen me afar amongst the birches and the pines, urges his horse ​forward, and approaches behind me, so that I cannot catch sight of him. He means (so I guess) to come upon me suddenly with a rush, and frighten or flutter me, or in some way or other throw me off my balance. On which account, I take care not to make the least movement, lying with my hands clasped underneath my head, and looking up at the sky.
He rides at me with a swift run, and reins in his horse only two paces away from me. He at once realizes that my attitude is a challenge; it annoys him. There is a pause. In order to make me turn my head in his direction, he keeps his horse standing in the same place: this is hard to do.
But I too remain motionless, repressing a desire to laugh. Janusz is, I know, too good a rider to let his beast tread upon me. I can hear it snorting impatiently, and its hoofs pawing the ground.
The flies in the wood torment it so much that presently it is unable to restrain itself, and frets forward a few paces, to my side. And so I can see Janusz. A handsome man, in a light-coloured jockey's cap, tight-fitting trousers, and long patent leather boots; just now so vexed that his nostrils are quivering. ​
Bowing stiffly, he takes his right foot out of the stirrup, and prepares to dismount.
"You might have failed to see me, and ridden farther. I thought you would," I remark, with a faint uninterested smile.
"As it happened, I did not fail."
"So I see."
"Did you want me to fail?"
"I did."
"For what reason, pray?"
"I was in a very pleasant mood—a sort of pantheistic mingling with Nature, that requires solitude to be enjoyed."
"All the same, I am going to stay," he says with a determined air, and carefully ties his horse's reins to a pine-branch.
A silence follows. Janusz brushes a few pine-cones out of his way, and then seats himself by my side. I sit up likewise, arrange the wreath of corn-flowers on my head, and lean back against a trunk.
"Do you not see that we are at odds?" he asks at length.
"That may very well be," I answer with some disdain. "And how did you find out where I was?"
"I followed you." ​
"Did you, indeed?"
"My balcony commands an extensive view. Your rose-coloured dress w^as plainly to be seen, as you went along the meadows and fields. You followed the path that skirts the ditch, did you not? And so on to the wood, where you disappeared. I followed on horseback along the highroad: a far shorter way."
"Yes, your way; straight on, but less picturesque than mine."
"Am I to see some hidden meaning in this?"
"Oh, no, you need not—as you choose."
Janusz is of those who love "intellectual" talk; I put forth all the social tact that I have, and do my best to keep down to his level. I strive to attract him, not with my good looks, but with my mental charms, which I have now enlisted in the service of my physical self. My coquetry varies in quality as does the psychical character of its object; and thus it never fails in artistry. Here I am guided by the Law of Contrast. For instance, when I first flirted with Roslawski, I brought into play the primitive elemental sides of my nature; though indeed I had later to change all my tactics. And it is my quality as a ​woman—with my womanly wisdom and wit and originality—that I am acting upon Janusz; should I lose half my good looks, I should still, as a woman, be not less lovable in his eyes. In the psychology of contemporary love, this is a significant fact.
Over his handsome clean-cut face, a glow passes now and again. His eyes are fixed upon my features. I meanwhile, swift in change as a chameleon, and bright with radiant looks and glances, am watching him with artistic and quite impersonal interest: with those quivering sensitive nostrils, he makes me think of some beautiful high-bred animal. His eyes, which usually beam and glisten, are at preasent dimmed and glazed over, as if their fire had been extinguished, burned out by the passion within him. Now and then his eyes fall before mine, and he attempts to call up a pleasant smile; but in the attempt his white teeth glitter dangerously.
A gnat has settled on his forehead, and I tell him so. He waves it away listlessly.
"Let it bite," he says with a smile; "it matters little. I have blood enough and to spare."
There is a touch of self-satisfaction in his ​voice as he says this. It was then a mistake of mine to have supposed him unaware of the nature of his strength. Knowledge of one's strong points makes for happiness; he is enviable.
Now he takes up some pine-cones, with which he pelts his horse playfully. It begins to kick and stamp. Instead of teasing the poor brute to no purpose, he ought (I say) to take one of the trees for his mark; and with that I go up to the horse. It gives me a distrustful look out of its beautiful eyes, while I stroke and pat its neck.
"Miss Janina, do not go so near my beast; it may hurt you."
"You were not afraid when it was but now standing close to my head," I reply laughingly.
"But I was holding it in then," he mutters between his set teeth.
Up he comes, stretching out his hand to pull me away by force; but I flash him a quick glance of surprise, and at once he is subdued.
"I beg you," he says in a voice half-strangled with emotion, "I beg you to let me kiss your hand." ​
He is quite close to me. One instant I am hot as fire; but I do not draw away from him, nor put my hands behind me. Standing motionless, with my half-averted head bent down close to the horse's mane, I answer calmly:
"I will not."
Janusz, with dog-like obedience, shrinks back, and stands a few paces away.
"Let us go home now," I say after a short silence; "but you must let me ride your horse."
"With the utmost pleasure; but then, how will you manage for a saddle?"
"Oh, that's all right. Even on your saddle, I can contrive to ride woman-fashion. Only you will have to arrange the stirrup."
I leap into the saddle, my foot just touching his hand. Janusz himself settles it in the stirrup, which he shortens for me. As he does so, I once more see a glow sweep over his face.
"Pray allow me to lead the horse. It is restive, and may throw you."
"No, thanks; I am not in the least afraid."
On a sudden, with an unexpected movement, he catches hold of me, and presses his face hard against my knees.
At the same instant nearly, I give the horse ​a smart blow with my whip, and gallop away, not looking behind me; it is not easy to keep my balance on that saddle.
This I have done, not to escape from him, nor as being in any sort of fear. It was only that he should not perceive my flushed face—flushed neither with indignation nor with shame.
Janusz has gone to L. for some days. I am alone with Martha, with whom I enjoy myself very much. There is no one else on earth with whom I can share the delight of reading together wise and beautiful books. As we read, we become lost in mutual admiration at the depth and subtlety of the remarks we make: whence arises a delightful state of mind in which each loses consciousness of the other being present. Our impressions are equally instantaneous, equally immediate; a look, a gesture, suffices for one to understand the other. We are growing absolutely similar, all but identical. Set apart from all that surrounds us, our minds meet on dizzy heights, spanned by aërial bridges which bring our souls together, over the tremendous gulfs that stretch beneath us; thereon few can ​walk, for the bridges are of gossamer threads. In the valleys of the mind it is not hard for two souls to come together; but as one reaches the mountain-tops, each is farther and farther apart, and the chasm between them becomes more and more profound; besides, at the tread of the first ponderous foot, those bridges of cunning workmanship, running from peak to peak, are broken and fall to pieces.
Nevertheless, there is no love, nor even much liking, between Martha and myself. We do not so much as call each other friends. We both agree that, between one woman and another, no true love is possible; and so we do not try to cheat ourselves with a counterfeit. But, though we do not say everything openly and in words, still we know and understand one another to perfection.
The one thing that could drive us apart would be mutual rivalry in love for a man. Happily, however, Martha holds this to be out of the question. Ascetically disposed, she prides herself on the fact that no one has ever loved her. She likes as a rule to play the part of one that the world and that men misunderstand and fail to appreciate. This part, moreover, she plays very gracefully, she ​being a pretty girl, and no one taking her too much in earnest.
"My life," she is wont to say, "is as pure as a blank page; no thrill is recorded there, no kiss, no blush. I have no faith save in this crystal transparency of my being; save in the knowledge that Life passes close to me, touches me, grazes me, and yet by some miracle never leaves upon my long white robe one streak from the golden pollen of the flowers she bears; no faith save in the immaculateness of this my soul, that can travel through a coal-mine, and yet come out white as snow. The only article of my faith, the sole thing I care for, is the conviction that I shall go through life nobly and beautifully, in sweetness and tranquillity infinite; that my passage upon earth will be all sunshine and loveliness: the blossoming of a rare and goodly flower. So may I die! Even though love could give me happiness, I still would stand aloof from it. …"
Yes, but now and then in the dim blue twilight, she plays Der Frühling of Grieg: and then I feel that what she says is not the truth. In her notes there is a tone of longing unspeakable, that begs, with gentle half-audible ​entreaty … for something. And that fair white soul of her is always sobbing with pain, and dreaming—ever dreaming—of love.
When all is said, I am clever, young, and good-looking: so I want to live my life. Nietzsche will not have us forget the law: For a woman, a stick. Amiel declares she must love one only, and obey a sex-morality that has been made for her alone. Garborg tells us that she ought not to go anywhere without a governess, so that her future husband may find suspicion impossible. In spite of all which, I am resolved to live my own woman's life.
Hitherto I have not found out what femininity essentially is. In the Roslawski period, I piously believed aesthetic feeling to be the great typical quality of womanliness. But now—Ellen Key asserts that the woman always shapes herself as the man desires. If then he, the Only One, be a primitive, masterful, despotic man, am I to season his siesta and cigar with witty conversation, and bind my hair and dance and sound the timbrel for him, whilst to all others my eyes alone are to be visible, my face hidden under a veil? I ​want to live my woman's life … nothing more. Until, perhaps …
Oh, how hard it is for a girl to bear, upon her white and shapely shoulders, the awful burden of conscious humanity!
At times, Janusz is as gentle as a tame young wolf, and that ravenous look has faded from his eyes. Then I permit him to kiss my hands and lay them to his sunburnt cheeks. When the wild beast within him has for a while fallen asleep, he has all the kindness, all the sweetness of a child. Yet even then I feel the presence of a latent force which may break out at any time: a force which—I cannot tell why—seems to me antagonistic.
"How I wish you would allow me to call you my darling!" he said to-day, when sitting at my feet on a bank of turf, and touching the border of my skirt caressingly, like a favourite cat.
I looked from above at the long lashes of his downcast eyes, at his scarlet lips, at his beautifully chiselled nose, and said within myself: "Why don't you then? I should only just set one long loving kiss—two ​perhaps—upon those lips of yours and leave you without one word of regret."
"Are you offended then?" he asked, looking up at me.
I knitted my brows slightly, but could not keep the corners of my mouth still.
"Yes, I am."
"But you are smiling. Why do you smile so strangely?"
And his eyes gaze at me from under his thick brows—gaze slyly and sweetly, while the hot blood burns in my cheeks. Never, in the days of Roslawski and our long-learned conversations about literature, did I feel such a sensation as this.
An evening party at the Sedniewski's, Topolow: somebody's name-day. All four of us go, Martha and I, the grandfather, and Janusz. Rather a large gathering: girls like flowers, fresh and bright-hued. Some of the young men have been brought for the occasion from as far as Lodz.
I go in, with my cheeks fresh and ruddy from our drive along the windy road: my dress is of a beautiful sea-green hue. The party is quaintly and prettily framed in a ​large low-ceilinged drawing-room, lighted from above by an antique chandelier, with tiers of branches that shed sparkling many-coloured light around. Along the walls stand many fine old pieces of furniture, and on the veranda outside an orchestra is softly tuning up.
As I enter, I make an impression—the usual one. For a time, whilst every glance is turned in my direction, I feel as if pitted against them all. But, though I scarce know any one here, I am not embarrassed even for one instant. The sensation of unfriendliness, borne in upon me from those around, the feeling of my loneliness in this throng, only produces in me a reaction of haughty defiance. I should feel more embarrassed if I did not make this impression, and should come in without attracting any attention at all.
As Madame Sedniewska welcomes me, I overhear a whispered remark on my left. "Dressed like a third-rate actress."
This interests me, and I turn round; for I think the observation, though quite beside the mark, rather neatly expressed. A tall girl, dressed in white, English style from head to foot, meets my eyes, and silently gives me back ​glance for glance. Beyond question it is she. After all the introductions have been made, I proceed by choice to converse with her.
Her name is Imszanska; she has an ugly fiancé and a handsome brother; the most interesting (I think) of all the young men present. He asks me politely how I like the country-side here, and then goes on talking to Martha, who in her evening dress looks less comely than her wont, her face being pale and wearing an expression of unnatural constraint.
We take tea; after which dancing begins.
Dancing is to me a pastime as pleasant as riding; and I dance splendidly. Again and again, in one of the long mirrors that reach to the floor, I see myself and the black arms which encircle me, my listless form thrown backwards indolently, sleepily as it were, my red lips contrasting with the white of my set teeth, and sea-green gauze floating round me in loose watery undulations; while about my figure twine the elastic snake-like stalks of great white nanuphar blossoms.
I am soon aware that I have made an impression—an impression so palpable that the women themselves pretend to be, not only ​unconcerned, but pleased at my success. One of them is so kind as to set a hairpin straight for me. At such an entertainment, the struggle to be first, though depriving it of some of the pleasure which it should directly give, affords us the interest of a game in which, the harder it is to win, the more intoxicating the victory becomes.
After the cotillon, which I danced with Imszanski, I stood up with Janusz for the "Oberek." He is a perfect master of ceremonies, and as such he is sans peur et sans reproche.
I like to dance with him most of all. He bears me along like a runaway steed. Careering in a tiny orbit, towards the centre of which we lean all the time, we turn round and round with vertiginous speed, like two planets run mad. Locked in each other's arms, carried onward by our own impetus, we glide along with half-closed eyes, involuntarily, all but unconsciously, with a passive motion, as if by ourselves unable to keep so tremendous a pace. Around us we perceive only a confused mass of thick clotted brightness; the lights, the mirrors, the brilliant circle of lookers-on, are no longer distinguishable as ​they fly round us: all is merged in one maze of colours.
A wild flame is gleaming in my partner's eyes, and their pupils are sparkling like sunlit diamonds. Our maddening pace, together with that dancing tune, boisterous with its musically monotonous din, are acting upon him as a war-dance acts upon a primitive race.
As for me, though his hot breath is on me like a flame, I feel quite calm. Tired out, almost fainting, I meekly let his wild "ravishing strides" carry me along as he chooses.
At last I go back to my seat; a deafening thunder of applause greets us both; I bow my head to thank them, but can for some time distinguish nothing. Meanwhile I hear Janusz, who has regained his self-control, and is now ordering the orchestra to play the "Mazur."
Miss Imszanska, coming up and seating herself by my side, says to me: "You dance with all the grace of a swan; my brother says he never saw anything like it."
In the intervals between the dances, we walk in the garden, which is extensive and full of trees. The white flowers of the tobacco-plants, just visible at night against the ​blackness of the sward, breathe forth their strange and intense aroma. A sort of drowsy hallucination takes possession of me: I fancy I am on earth no longer, but in some Hades of flowers, of sweet sounds, of beautiful things, and of Night triumphant. I lean heavily on Janusz, almost nestling in his arms. My smile gleams white in the dusk, and my long eye-lashes quiver as with sleep. Janusz bends over me, and his gaze seeks to meet mine.
"Look at me!" he whispers, glowing with impatience.
I too am all aglow; yet I turn my head away, and look stubbornly at some cluster of bushes at a distance. But all the time my heart is beseeching him, and saying over and over: "Kiss me, kiss me—now—now—now!"
A moment before, a dress was still looming in the dark in front of us; now we are quite alone. Our eyes have begun to make out the shapes of things; we can discern the trees, and the long narrow strip of pathway where we are walking between two hedges of quickset. Black cloudlike shadows seem now to flee away, now to gather and close upon us. ​
Suddenly a spasm of horrible unearthly dread clutches at my heart.
"Good God! Look there!" I cry.
"What—what of it?"
I raise my hand to my eyes, and shudder all over with fear, and press close to him.
"There—just beneath us, far, horribly far down—there is water!"
"Well, what of that? There is nothing to be frightened at. I know the garden; it is only a brook which feeds the pond."
"Let us go away—away at once. I saw it glitter through the leaves in the dark: it was so strange! And so deep down: an abyss where I never dreamed the ground sloped at all."
"But we could not fall in: there is a stone barrier."
"No matter," I whisper, half-frantic with dread. "Let us go!"
We make the best of our way back. Janusz is silent, but I feel, as I am holding to his arm, that he too is trembling. He might have quieted me with the words: "Fear nothing by my side!" For but a minute ago, I had boundless confidence in him. Now I know that he can be frightened. ​
We hear the sounds of the harp and the violin, and a row of lit windows shines on the pitch-black trees.
Janusz breaks the silence. "I have no fear in a forest at night; I fear neither robbers nor wild beasts: but things one cannot explain are not to my liking."
Yes, I quite understand, and share the same dislike: but somehow I had a fancy that …
We dance merrily till morning; my painful impression has quite faded.
As we return, we change places; Martha goes with her grandfather, and I am with Janusz. Daybreak shows us a lovely landscape: hills covered with dark woods, fields white with stubble. The sky grows rosy, and we catch ever new glimpses of dim heights, of solitary pear-trees scattered in the fields, of tall sombre poplars in rows, marking the highways in the plain.
We travel long by a road full of deep holes; we climb the heights, we go down into the valleys. All the country round is enchantingly beautiful.
Up comes the sun, casting upon the road distinct mobile shadows, lengthened out ​monstrously, of our two equipages and of our own figures.
I feel stupefied after this sleepless night; my face is hot, my lips are burning. Yet, and in spite of my plaid and the rugs, I shiver with cold, I close my eyes and lean my head against the back of the carriage, listening to the screaking wheels, to the trot of the snorting horses, and to the timid chirruping of the birds, just roused by daylight. Though awake, I am dreaming.
Janusz bends over me, and touches my lips with his in a gentle kiss, as if he meant not to wake me.
I do not move at all, and pretend to sleep on, though well aware that Janusz knows I am awake.
And now my golden morning—here it is!
On one of the last warm summer days, Martha and I go and bathe together outside the park. When undressed, she is very pleasant to look upon. She pretends to object, but puts on her bathing-dress so deliberately that I can gaze quite at my ease. After having bathed in the clear cool water, we return and lie down on the lush grass iji the park. We ​are surrounded by tall trunks, bare to a great height; far above us their branches form a canopy of bright green verdure under the blue sky.
"I wonder," say I to her, "how plain people feel about themselves. With us, comeliness is such a matter of course! … If I were to lose my good looks, or even my knowledge that I am good-looking, I really think I could not bear life. … It is that alone which gives me strength in presence of others. I go out in the full glare of day without a sunshade; in company, I sit with my face turned straight to the lamplight; I walk in the crowd, with head erect, fearing no one, abashed by no one—simply because I know that the sight of me must cause pleasure. … If I am good-natured, it is because of my good looks. I hate nobody, envy nobody, and am filled with a sort of Pagan, sunshiny, royal love for all."
"And which of us two do you think is prettier?" asks Martha.
"I don't know. … In reality, each of us thinks herself prettier; but we are both too cultured ever to have tried conclusions on that subject." ​
Strictly speaking, I am not so fair as she: but then, she is less graceful than I. esides, my eyes have a golden tint, such as no other girls have, so far as I know.
I often walk a few versts with Martha, as far as the "Kirkut," or Jewish cemetery.
There they stand, the hewn gravestones, in long parallel upright rows. Upon them you may see cabalistic signs and symbols; a lion, a broken taper, or a shelf of books; and certain embellishments that might almost be styled "decadent." The graves, overgrown with moss, heather, and wild thyme, are nearly level with the rest of the ground. The wooden inclosure, over which we always have to climb, is lost in the woods among the pinetrunks; and those long regular rows of stones raise their heads in a forest elsewhere untouched by man. Here, I feel as though I had gone far back into the dim immemorial Past.
I love that burial-ground; I love to contemplate Life trampling upon Death; and as I gaze, I cease to fear Death any more. Death makes away with the individual only, with the accidental manifestation? of Life: Life ​itself remains. I see myself standing for the whole of mankind, and identical with Life. I always was; I shall be everlasting, … Death is slumbering quietly beneath my feet.
And with that a delightful sense, as it were of infinite might, comes over me. To my power, to my continuance, I can find no limits I am not of the earth, I am not Janka Dernowicz; I am eternal, unsleeping consciousness; I am the Universe! In this burial-ground, Janusz grows dismal, and holds forth on the evanescence of all earthly things. A beautiful animal which lives in fear of Death!
What if it be true that animals have no souls?
At times I experience the pangs of an entirely unjustified longing for the man who came into my life and went out of it like a hurricane. Yes, now and again I long for my ice-plains and my Northern Lights!
Once he asked me whether I should never wish to feel and think and strive along with some companion in life.
Then I burst into laughter; for I hate ​sentiment—hate to mix uo love and "brotherhood of souls."
Now I am near thinking that this man, whom I never loved, may be the only one fit to become my husband.
Often of nights, lying awake and staring into the darkness with wide-open eyes, I feel burning lips, lips famished with hunger, that are pressed to mine. …
And when I seize the kiss upon those lips, I know that they are the lips, not of Roslawski, but of Janusz.
And then I am full of terror lest an evil thing has been done that never can be undone—lest something may have fallen away for ever out of my life.
Then do I no longer feel any desire for any one; and I weep in the dark, but silently, not to awaken Martha.
In the morning, I look upon Janusz with hatred and with loathing; and I treat him harshly, though he is indeed in no wise to blame. I merely use him ill, because my soul is a-wandering alone over those ice-plains of mine, is still dreaming cold silvery dreams, is seeking in vain for a fraternal soul. ​
Is it then really an impossibility to be in love without loving also?
While out shooting to-day, Janusz had just such a gleam in his eyes as he has when he gloats on me.
He is a typical primitive man of a nomad race of hunters, in whom the instinct of conservation manifests itself as vehemently when procuring his own subsistence as when acting for the preservation of the race. Game is to him a vital necessity; so is woman.
I was sorry for the hares he had killed and lectured him with great unction on man's cruelty in taking the lives of such defenceless innocent creatures.
Just now I was thinking how I should like to lock Janusz up in a nice cage, and have him all to myself. I should give him plenty of food, but neither let him read (that prohibition he would not find very hard) nor talk to any one; so that he, with all his treasures of vitality, might be mine alone. And occasionally I should enter the cage.
I should then be far more spiritually disposed than I am now. At present, my splendid, primitive, untamed beast is hungry and ​howling, and mars the divine symphony I listen to in my dreams of light.
I should appease it, and go out to walk in my sacred grove, along the margin of the dark abysmal lake which is in my soul.
And I should willingly have Roslawski to walk with me there!
Janusz has asked me if I would consent to become his wife.
"If only for a month or two, I would with pleasure," was my truthful reply, which I afterwards turned into a jest: not a nice one, I must say.
Janusz darted one or two angry looks at me, and gave vent to this aphorism: "There are things one should never just about."
Most certainly he is right. And all this begins to worry me just a little.
I might perhaps fancy myself playing the part of his seductress; of his wife, never. And what to do with him now, I can't tell.
I should like to go away now. Oh, why has all this come about so suddenly?
Out boating late in the evening, on the great pond beyond the park. ​
I have consented to come here, for I am so wretched, I want to die. And I know that Janusz, whom I have been tormenting all day long, can no longer control himself.
His nerves are racked to the very utmost; it is my doing. He clutches me by the shoulders and holds me down to the side of the boat with an iron grip. To get the better of his mad fit, I keep myself very passive and cool.
"Hear me, Janka!" he growls between his teeth, his face close to mine, "you! listen: I am speaking for the last time. Say Yes!"
I could disarm him with a single cry of pain or fear: but I remain mute. I must have strong sensations to-night.
"I'll kill—I'll kill you! Do you hear? I hate you as much as I love you, and more. Speak instantly—speak!"
His rage is suffocating him; the words stick in his throat. His knee is pressed hard upon my bosom; his nails dig deep into my flesh. With all my strength I stifle a groan, and wait. The boat is careening over more and more, and begins to be water-logged.
"I shall drown you! See, the boat is about to go down! Say Yes!"
Quietly, silently, I look into his wild ​burning eyes, of which the whites gleam through the darkness and fascinate me.
For an instant I have a desire to close my eyelids and disappear, sinking noiselessly into the dark water. My eyes nevertheless instinctively encounter his.
Suddenly I feel that the grip of his clenched hands is growing weaker.
Now sure of victory, I whisper, "No!" with a smile.
Janusz, uttering a cry of pain, falls back into the boat. He presses his forehead hard against my feet which he covers with kisses, and is swept by a storm of convulsive sobs. The boat recovers her balance, and rocks up and down violently.
But I am the reverse of elated by my victory. For now I can no longer believe in the omnipotence of mere physical strength, which has just shown itself less mighty than the power of Mind.
Had Janusz continued to grapple with me thus for a few seconds more, I think I might have given way to him. And now I envy him the incomparable joy of acknowledging my predominance.
The warrior does not delight in triumphing ​over one less strong, but in confessing the power of him that has been found stronger, and by whom he has been overcome.
Over this writhing figure, shaken with sobs that grow fainter and fainter with fatigue, I look out far into the night. No moon, not a star. And the rushes along the shore keep up an incessant rustling.
And the dark lake, my soul, is looking up with unseeing eyes to the dark sky.
All around is dead: no life anywhere. Nothing remains but my loneliness—the unbounded loneliness of my strength, self-centred and unparalleled.
Never yet have I felt my power so strongly, and never yet has it made me so sad.
The black sky bends its lowering vault above me; under its clouds the black pond lifts up swelling waves. Between the Infinite and my soul, there is nowhere any room for strength.
Oh, "I am so weary, weary of these heights!" How I desire to meet with a force able to subdue mine!
"Pray, Janusz, pray get up," I say, gently stroking his hair; "I beg you, rise; it must be very late. Where are the oars?" ​
I am lying in the hollow between two rows of graves, breathing the perfume of the white forest gilliflowers, abloom in the "Kirkut," and thinking of life—of this most admirable and most beautiful marvel, life. I am explaining to Martha how my worship of life is really the outcome of resignation.
"But in me resignation has taken a form that it has not in you. 'If I cannot have all, I refuse to have anything;' such is the creed of despairing pride, held by slaves and wretched men. My belief in Azoism is nothing but the creed of a proud woman, who is reconciled to her slavery, and will take up no spurious imitations of freedom. Such a withdrawal from the vortex we live in, enabling me to look on all things as Garborg does, from above them, and with a smile of dignified amenity—this is what I love. It often seems to me, so little I feel adapted for my life on earth, that I have somehow wandered hither by a mischance, a blunder."
"It is well," says Martha. "Adaptation to environment is of avail only to brute animals: man can make his own world by viewing it in his own special way.
"I," she goes on to say sadly, "believe in ​nothing. And yet women in general are inclined to have faith in an existence after death. It is simply an outcome of sympathy with suffering, and of an instinct of justice. You know how the thought of useless suffering in nature makes me beside myself. Think of all those silent agonies which never will be known; of those tortures endured throughout the world by multitudes that leave no trace behind them. … When but a little boy, Janusz once focussed the sun's rays on a little insect he had fastened by its wing, and which was writhing in impotent throes. I can still see those poor limbs, red in the glow, quivering in excruciating pain, until I snatched the lens away from Janusz, and set the half-roasted creature free. … Those were its last impressions of life: after them came—Nothingness! I can see all the tiny invisible beings that I slay by hundreds in my daily walks, trampling them down in the long grass or under the pine-needles, and unwittingly leaving them to expire in the most dreadful torments, perhaps drawn out for many an hour… I know, too, of the pain which fishes undergo, often kept living in the air for whole days, and seen to move ​convulsively, even when on the fire. … All this pain, and nothing to justify, nothing to compensate it! This I know; for beyond death there is nothing!"
"But did it never strike you that, if there is nothing beyond death, it is impossible for nothingness to be there?"
She looks at me inquiringly.
"The ideas of justice, of vengeance, of compensation, are purely of this earth, though they once formed a religious ideal in the worship of Jehovah. I put them in the same category as the concept of mercy, now prevailing amongst Christians. Some other idea will spring up later, equally foreign to that of existence beyond the grave."
"Well, and what do you infer from that?"
"My belief is, that the phenomenon called death consists in our losing all sensations, 'categories,' concepts and all projections (so to speak) of this our world; and in our finding other sensations in the next. Perhaps not even that. For in the next world, just as there will be no idea of justice, so there may be none of sensations. Do you follow me?"
"So you think you shall continue to exist then?" ​
"I cannot say—I cannot say."
For a few minutes I listen to the undertone of the pine-trees, sounding far above us in the sky.
"You see," I continue, "there, it may well be, we shall have no idea of an Ego which excludes and contradicts the Non-Ego. The distinction between them has arisen from the fact of our existence upon earth: it is a form into which we mould our impressions; something purely accidental, depending upon the quality and mechanism of the brain. … There, too, the idea of Time may be wanting; also that of Space. Of course, from our earthly point of view, it is nonsense to say that the world is boundless: that which the brain calls 'the Infinite' cannot be represented in imagination as space. Truly, there are times when I simply feel admiration for a God who has created so great and endlessly complicated a scheme of beings."
Martha's disappointment is plain to perceive.
"So then you believe in God?"
"I do not know, and do not trouble about it. It is not likely the ideas of creation out of nothing, of sovereignty as opposed to ​subjection, of volition as opposed to passiveness, have any counterpart out of our minds. … Notice, Martha, that in my view the expression, 'Transcendental Being,' implies a contradiction. Our very idea of Being is a mere outcome of experience: and I go so far beyond Nature, I leap so completely out of my human skin, that I can force myself to the contemplation of an unimaginable world, in which there is no contradiction between Being and Non-Being. …
"Therefore, I do not trouble whether I shall in that world be myself or not myself: nor even whether I shall be or not be. …"
She gazes at me, her eyes wide open, and says under her breath:
"Yes, I see."
"And, do you know, the capacity of thus abstracting one's thought itself from its outward form, of looking upon the universe and one's very thought from such a standpoint, sets one on heights incomprehensibly sublime, and gives the purest, the most unearthly delight."
… There is a black cat here, with eyes like emeralds; it ranges noiselessly amongst the rows of gravestones. A ​singularly sociable creature; it follows us everywhere in our walks, like a dog. … When I look at it, I cannot help believing in Metempsychosis: there must dwell within this cat some very refined aristocratic soul, one that looks upon everything with supreme scepticism.
"What is the matter, Martha?"
"Nothing. I have only dropped a hairpin."
A tortoise-shell pin has fallen out of her thick black tresses, and dropped on to the earth with a faint sound.
Martha is just now in a very lofty mood. This real world of ours strikes her as a contrast, ridiculous in its littleness, to the world we are speaking of. So she does not wish me to pick up that pin, though it has dropped quite close to me on the heather. To my mind this is too high-flown, too girlish. After all, the realities of life are paramount, and we ought to have so much intellectual culture as never to forget it.
Wherefore I give her the pin, smiling very sarcastically.
"After all," I conclude, rising from the hollow ridge and preparing to walk home, "I quite understand that what I have said ​amounts to the same as belief in nothing. It is all the same to me whether I shall cease to be after death, or be transferred to a world wherein there is no idea of being, or of any Ego, conditioning my self-consciousness. I understand, too, that a world in which Being does not contradict Non-Being, is to our minds equivalent to no world at all. So that my faith is similar to your unfaith, but inferred and formulated otherwise."
Janusz is very humble and wretched now. Sometimes, when we sit long together of an evening, he will fall asleep with his head in my lap, worn out with nervous exhaustion. And then I am face to face with something very strange.
I feel a mysterious dread of the torment of an everlasting vigil, together with a sense of responsibility beyond my strength. Yet I do not wake him, although I am shuddering with dread; I will not let him know that I am afraid! … There are certain things one should not speak about to children. … That I love solitude when alone, but that the feeling of solitude when some one is by me, fills me with unspeakable dread, for then I ​hear my soul uttering her triumphant laugh: this I would never confess to him.
Vigorous I am, and able to struggle for a long time. But even for warriors there come moments when they trustfully lay their tired heads on some one's lap; when they feel secure in the knowledge of some one above them, watching over them, standing between them and their foes, between them and the Infinite, the Unknown.
Is there any man in the world who could thus lull my watchfulness to sleep? There is one, only one. But the price I should pay would be all that makes life charming.
When Janusz is sleeping on my lap, I then invariably think of—Roslawski.
As a rule, it is from a novelist's or an artist's standpoint—from without and objectively—that I view whatever happens in my life; consciously throwing all my impressions into the form of sentences, rounded and complete, often affected and unnatural; and in everything I say, think, or do, seeking for dramatic, literary, or picturesque effects. This peculiarity I hold for one of the tragic ​sides of my life, since it almost entirely robs my impressions of their directness.
People sometimes blame me for being mannered, for attitudinizing, for performing everything with artifice, whether I make a bow or do my hair. And I fully admit they are right. But then, artificiality comes naturally to me. Every motion, every smile of mine is present to me before it is elicited: it is scrutinized and judged by me, as though I were some one else. For me, there is no present; I look at all things from out of the Future: there are no involuntary bursts of thought, no inarticulate words or mechanical gestures for me. And should I try to behave with apparent artlessness, I should then be artificial twice over.
This afternoon a carriage, covered with mud, and drawn by a couple of splendid sorrel horses, pulls up in front of our terrace. Imszanski jumps out, throwing the reins to the groom, who sits behind. Janusz welcomes him, and he slowly comes up the steps. He has driven thirty-five miles, but his impassive features bear not the slightest trace of fatigue. ​
He improves upon acquaintance. Beyond all doubt, he is the handsomest man I know: a great point in his favour. His movements, characterized by a certain graceful languor, betray his noble descent; in his bright eyes there is to be seen continual concentrated thought and tranquil, half-forgotten sorrow. He has every accomplishment, talks interestingly, elegantly, with literary turns and expressions; he has at his call every variety of smile but never laughs outright. Considerate restraint is his speciality.
His first words on entering are: "My sister sends you her greetings: she wanted to come with me, but I was afraid to take her. It is so long a journey, and the roads are in so bad a state now."
He pays court both to Martha and to myself with equal politeness; with her he is more serious, with me more gallant. Which is the proper thing, as I am a visitor in the neighbourhood.
I am all but enchanted, and my eyes are continually fixed on him. And yet at the same time I know that this paragon of a man could never succeed in winning my love. From a physical point of view, I care even ​less for him than for Roslawski. This, I suppose, is precisely on account of his marvellous beauty, which may draw off my attention from him as a man and an intelligent being. I could gaze with just as much enthusiasm on his portrait.
We go out to inspect some new kinds of ornamental shrubs which Martha has recently had planted in the park. Janusz walks with me; Imszanski with Martha, a few paces before us.
These two make a pretty picture, on which I like to gaze. In this grand old park, they remind me of the days of yore, and the knights and their lady-loves. Martha, I remark, has a style and breeding that I lack. To help her over a plash of water, Imszanski gives her his hand. She gathers up her dress, just revealing her neat and shapely ankles. The pair are just like dancers in a minuet, and so handsome that I cannot find it in my heart to envy them.
Janusz walks at my side like a shadow, and follows my glances with eyes ablaze.
"A fine man, Imszanski: you like him, don't you?" he asks. "But," he goes on to say, "I don't advise you to try your hand on ​him: he is another's. Has loved long and hopelessly."
"Has he?"
"When in Warsaw, he went the length of attempting suicide—unsuccessfully, I need not say."
"But this love of his, is it not only hopeless, but unrequited too?"
"Well, he proposed—and was refused. But that's no wonder. Such a man should never marry; a whole seraglio would not be enough for him."
"H'm, yes; that would be quite in his line. Who is the girl? Does she live near?"
"Yes, she does."
"And who may she be? Please tell me. Was she at the Sedniewski party?"
"Don't ask; I must not tell. It has been kept secret."
"But did anybody confide in you?"
"Why, no."
"Then I have as much right to know as you have. I am awfully curious, and wonder at the girl's taste. … Do I know her?"
He holds out for some time, but in the end I disarm him: though in the way I dislike most and very seldom employ, … by ​wheedling and coaxing him. The secret shall go down to the grave with me, I promise him. He hesitates awhile; then says in an undertone:
"Martha."
I do my best to conceal my unbounded astonishment under some commonplace expressions of faint surprise. I obviously have not the slightest intention to keep my word: I will ask Martha about the whole business. Can she possibly not be in love with such a Phœnix? Can she too have found him undesirable because of that beauty of his?
During supper I watch her closely, and see in her face that very same pallor, that very look of weariness and constraint that she was wearing in Topolow. No, his love is certainly not unrequited.
I have no fondness, and consequently no fellow-feeling, for the girl: but now I am more interested than before in her theory of "Azoism." I formerly thought she had taken it up as an apology for her life; now I see that her life itself compels her to profess it.
Imszanski himself is always the same, courteous and languidly good-humoured. ​He is talking with Martha's grandfather about this year's crops, and looking quite interested in the subject.
It is a cool windy autumn day. Clouds are floating close to the earth, rain is in the air, and no birds are seen. Along the woods stretch the fields, either already harrowed, or covered with dingy whitish stubble. Something has gone out of my life forever: I cannot get rid of the thought.
We three are riding together over the desolate plain. Janusz rides in front of us, playing acrobatic tricks on horseback, and really performing wonderful feats of agility.
But it is now ebb-tide with me. Those tight trousers, those raw leather boots of his—I hate them, and scorn myself for having let that sort of thing ever make any impression on me; assuredly there is nothing in all this that is worthy of scorn.
Autumn has come. That is all.
We come abreast upon the muddy highway, all three strangely sick at heart. In silence we ride on.
Latterly Janusz has altered very much. His face is pale; it is the face of a man lost ​in troubled thought. When we are by ourselves, he scarcely ever raises his eyes to mine; and his outbursts of energy resemble the frenzy of delirium. After the equestrian evolutions just performed, he looks wearied and gloomy, and his lips are closed fast as he rides.
Why is each of us thus? I alone can tell. Because Martha is thinking of Imszanski, and Janusz of me, and I am thinking of Roslawski. It is just like a novel: each of us as remote as one star is from another.
I got a post-card from Obojanski yesterday, saying he had come back; so I shall have to be off in four days. I must then see Roslawski, who has no doubt returned to Warsaw by now. A fever of impatience possesses me.
On my return, I lie down on the drawing-room sofa, still in my riding-habit.
Martha, as usual, is journeying from pantry to cellar, Janusz has gone to dress for supper; "Grandfather" is probably asleep in some nook. I feel maddened with impatience at the thought of seeing Him again. I tear my hair, sobbing noiselessly and without tears.
My misery is at its height. And now, ​besides, I feel this: that I am sorry to go away—sorry for Janusz. Something there is within me, tearing at my soul—tearing it to bits, to shreds, to tatters.
I hear Janusz coming, take up an easy recumbent attitude, without rising from the sofa, and arrange my hair.
"What! you here already?" I remark in a peevishly flippant tone of inquiry.
He does not reply, but draws near with noiseless reverent steps, in an attitude of supreme worship, such as an idolator may pay to the idol he distractedly adores. Kneeling down before me, he gently takes my hands and presses them to his brow. I do not withdraw them. I lean forwards instinctively.
"Janka, listen," he says tenderly, in a voice that trembles with suppressed emotion; "say that you will be my wife; say so, my dear. … You know what you have made of me. … You laughed at me for my sober-mindedness, my shallow outlook upon life, my thoughtless joie de vivre. Now I am quite different. … Now I am like you, and like the rest of your set. … Could I ever, in the old days, have thought it possible that I should become like a child— ​crying my eyes out at the thought of your going away, Janka? I have nothing in the world to console me but you. … Janka, since you told me you were sorry for the hares I had killed, I have not gone out shooting any more. … Oh, I shall not struggle with you, I should not get the mastery; but as your slave, I beg you, I entreat you, be my wife! Oh, my adorable lady, my most sweet one, say but that you will! You will be happy; you will see me do everything, everything to please you. … You will live like a princess. … If you will not give me this assurance, I shall go to ruin, indeed I shall. Janka, I will leave the University without taking my degree. … I will follow you everywhere on earth. Martha, too; does she not love you? And does it matter to you if you say Yes now? Nothing hinders you from saying the word; I even think you love me just a little. … Oh, Janka, Janka!"
He ends with a burst of tears. My head bends down to his, and we both weep together. In turns I am rent by compassion for him and by my longing for Roslawski. I kiss his black silky curls, and we cry like children. ​
Finally we agree that I shall go to Warsaw "to take counsel with my family and with my own heart"; and I am to give him a definite answer in a month's time.
By then I shall surely have seen Roslawski—and everything will have been settled: for life or for death.
Every morning, the trees in the park are now white with hoarfrost, and we find the threshing-floor in the barn covered with many a steel-blue swallow, lying frozen to death. The stoves are heated, the windows hermetically closed (for the time being), and, though autumn has but just commenced, we are in winter quarters already.
In the calm white country house, sleep reigns supreme.
The wild wind howls through the sombre shrubberies, and sweeps showers of drifting leaves, green but frost-bitten, along the walls of the park. Through the windows I look out into the cold bleak night, a night of desolation and evil omen: such a night as one might expect to bring us mysterious half-frozen travellers who have lost their way; and on this very night they should come ​knocking at the door. The old, faithful, superstitious servants should mutter the saying: "Some one has hanged himself, the wind is so high," and the dogs should howl together mournfully.
There is no light save in one window, by which, through the broad chinks in the shutters, its bright streaks filter out into the park. The maids are there, keeping vigil as usual; Janusz and the old man have gone to bed and have long been asleep.
Around there breathes that stillness and quiet sense of security which a winter night is wont to bring with it—an atmosphere of repose.
I am kneeling by the fire, in a plain dressing-gown, with my hands clasped behind my head, and my eyes fixed upon the flames. Flashes of red light up my dark face and my chestnut hair. Now and then I put big logs on the fire from the heap close at hand; I like to resemble a vestal virgin.
Martha, partly undressed and without her corset, lies dejectedly smoking a cigarette on a rose-coloured couch, not looking in my direction.
She absent-mindedly strokes a cat, which ​lies close to her and purrs loudly, pretending to be pleased but cross in fact, because she wants to sleep, and Martha prevents her.
"I shall be so bored when you leave us, Janka," she says. "There will be a sad void all over the place."
"Then come with me to Warsaw."
"Somebody must remain to keep house at Klosow; besides. Grandfather cannot be left alone. I shall not be free till after a year's time, when Janusz has finished his course of agronomy."
"Do you know, Martha, you remind me of a heroine in an old-fashioned novel and I don't care for variety. You are too goody-goody. Such a pity as it is to waste a year of one's youth. … You may quite well leave everything to the steward's care. … Remember, you will soon be twenty-five, and life never goes back."
"But I am glad—how glad!—that it does not."
"That's a pose, or a mere high-flown mood. You love life in spite of all."
Turning towards her, I meet her earnest gaze—calm, and yet, oh! how mournful!
"I hate life, Janka!" she replies. ​
Silence follows. The cat leaps from off the couch, stretches herself, and makes for the fireplace with leisurely velvet tread. She rubs herself against me, lies down in the full glare of the hearth, and instantly falls asleep.
"Once," Martha continues, "I saw them kill a black sheep, as I had told them to do. A clean-shaven old farm-labourer first tied its legs, and then sharpened his knife on a whetstone for a long time. Finally, he turned its beautiful tapering head on one side, and deliberately, skilfully, drew the knife backwards and forwards across its throat. And the poor animal did not so much as shrink: never did it once bleat, or show the least sign of reluctance. I wanted to run away, or cover my eyes, or at least turn from the sight: but I forced myself to undergo that internal agony, in order to atone for the quiet death of that meek, harmless beast. I asked the labourer afterwards whether he was not sorry for killing it. He answered me: 'Why should I be? It was my lady's order. I would cut a man's throat for her, if she told me to.'
"Once my threshing-machine killed a man. Corn had been stolen, and I had to watch the ​men by myself, the steward being away at the time. They had stolen it, because I had more than they… I remember the man leaning forwards incautiously—a horrible cry—a dull grinding sound—and a sudden silence. The machine had stopped; out of it they took only a bleeding mass. I made the dead man's widow a life-pension, and saw to the bringing-up of the children. And because of that, they call me benefactress and angel!
"Or again. A woman of seventeen died in child-bed. Three days and three nights she lay howling in the farm-servants' quarters, howling like a wounded beast, so that I could hear her even in my own room. Well, she died at last; but the boy survived. He is now three years old, he laughs in the sunshine, cuts earthworms to pieces for a pastime, and tears off cockchafers' legs.
"Kosa, a peasant here, had a son who was dying slowly of consumption. The priest was sent for, and brought him the last sacraments. Outside the hut, he had to bargain with Kosa about the burial fees.
"Once, in our pond, the loathsome swollen corpse of a new-born child came floating to ​the surface. What harm had it ever done? Possibly it was put to death because its life of a day or two had made it the instrument of some wrong done!
"Janka, I hate life!"
"Listen," I say, casting my eyes down. "I—I don't know how to begin; that is, I wanted to tell you that it may be I am leaving you only for a short time. In a few weeks, I shall perhaps be here again."
"I wish you would," she replies. "Janusz is in a pitiful state."
Another pause ensues. I am thinking how far indeed I am from such a wish; and I feel something rising in my throat. Suddenly I decide to speak now.
"Martha," I say, "tell me the reason why you refused Imszanski." She starts, and stares at me with eyes like a frightened deer's.
"Fear nothing," I say, reassuringly. "You must not think I shall inflict compassion on you; I am only calmly and objectively interested. Tell me: can you possibly not be in love with so amazingly handsome a man?"
She is silent a while, debating with herself; and then: ​
"Yes, I was in love with him," she replies, in a calm low voice.
"Well, and have you sacrificed your happiness to that abstract theory of yours?"
Another pause.
"Not exactly. … The fact is that I simply could not bear to think I had not been his only love."
There she stops, but I feel she is only waiting for me to question her further: this is the moment when she must lay bare to me what she has hitherto, with her wonted secretiveness, concealed from every eye. Yet I refrain from questions.
Again she speaks, slowly and as one that looks back on memories that are still fresh: "We often spent the winter evenings together. His soul was the thing nearest and dearest to me on earth, but I loved him yet more because his eyes were so mournful and his lips so fine.
"He may have been too outspoken: he desired I should know all about him, before I plighted my troth. I wish I had known nothing; there is bliss only where there is ignorance. … For there have been some instants of forgetfulness; and these have given me an inkling of what my happiness would ​have been—how immense, how incredible—had I been his only love in the past, as I am (it yet may be) his only love in the present.
"It was on a most beautiful winter's night, silvery in the moonbeams, that I saw it pass before me, that long procession of women, fair as the flowers of spring: 'a connoisseur in women' is what they call him. A whole garden of red flowers sprang up in the snowy wilderness, shining afar like a great pool of gore. I closed my eyes with the torture of the sight.
"If it be true that love consists of happiness and delight, then all this delight ought to have been mine: and Life had taken it from me: not to give it to others, but just to throw it away (ah! the crime of it!) to fritter it away amongst a multitude of delights that might have been. For indeed, what would have made my bliss was a wrong inflicted upon others, in the form of compulsion and shame, the torment of humiliation, the infringement of their right to live, hurling them into an abyss of misery and abandonment, and closing the gates against their return to a happier state:—all these deeds of wrong-doing were acts that might have given me bliss! … ​
"Now, it came that In one of those moments of oblivion, when I felt I was happy, I told him I would be his affianced wife.
"Then he gathered me in his arms—Oh, with what a movement, admirable in its tenderness—and pressed me gently to his heart, that he might kiss my lips.
"And then came the most astonishing instant in all my life. I had, to put it simply, a vision. Upon his lips I saw blood—clotted, dried blood—the ashes as it were of thousands and thousands of kisses. It was neither loathing nor hatred that I felt; only an exceeding horror for what is as much against Nature as was any elaborate excruciating torture of Mediæval times—as a crime committed in secret and hidden under flowers to conceal its every trace. And from beneath those flowers—a sea of them there was—I seemed to hear the groans as it were of those slain at some banquet of Heliogabalus: or rather I heard laughter, artificial, forced, metallic laughter—the laughter which 'women of that sort' always utter, it being the paid merriment to which they are bound:—such a laugh as breaks off suddenly, abruptly, as though startled at ​its own sound. And I saw my white lilies plunged in that sea of tainted blood!
"So I repulsed him, as I would have repulsed a foe. And here," she concluded suddenly, in a falsetto of spasmodic laughter, "here my little idyll comes to an end."
"But do you love the man still?"
"I do."
From the farmyard comes the crowing of a cock: as a key that grates in a rusty lock, it grates on our ears. Dawn is here.
I like the man; or it may be that I rather like his surroundings, inseparably connected in thought with him. I like those rooms of severe aspect, with their high ceilings, and shelves which are nearly as high filled with books, all in regular order and bound in black. I like the great table in the centre, lit up with bright lamps, and strewn with periodicals in every language. I like, too, those heavy, comfortable, leather-covered arm-chairs which stand round it. Obojanski also I like, who in this environment is a handsome man, with grey hair and eyes dark and youthful.
Formerly my professor, Obojanski has been extremely useful to me in my studies. The ​profit I have derived from him is, however, chiefly negative, from the critical side of his teaching. It still pleases him, in our mutual relations, to take up the attitude of a master.
Generally I come to him late in the evening, dressed in black, in the style of "la dame voilée." If he is working, I sit with him, and set to reading some interesting book: but we mostly converse together, and invariably of serious things.
Obojanski is an old bachelor, and objects to women as a rule. "The idea of emancipation, possibly not quite unreasonable in principle, has been misunderstood and warped from its true meaning by the women themselves. For instance, they are not content with equality in the field of economics; they want to have the same freedom in their conduct as is enjoyed by men. A fine place the world would be, if they had! And, as concerns the admission of women to the higher studies, this is absolutely superfluous: a woman's brain is not able to think with the logical accuracy which these require."
"As to this last," I reply, "a census of the sexes would not, I think, be desirable. It may well be doubted, not only whether all males, ​but whether all learned men, are capable of accurate logical reasoning."
"Oh, of course, exceptions are everywhere to be found," he answers gravely, with his own peculiar directness of mental association.
To his mind, I am among women one of those exceptions. He is never scandalized at my late visits; perhaps only for the reason that my visits are made to him. He is withal full of respect for my intellectual capacity, which he thinks due to him. For him, I am the one woman who can talk reasonably.
For my own part, I do not consider myself to be clever merely for being able to draw a logical conclusion from two premises. What I call cleverness is the faculty of understanding all things, and of wondering at none; that of setting aside all preconceived ideas and doctrines, by reason of which men have set up "categories," and of giving up accepted forms of thinking, that seem to be, but are not, necessary to thought; the faculty of getting out of oneself, and viewing both oneself and everything else from without and objectively.
I sit down in one of the high-backed armchairs, and begin to talk about some abstruse subject or other, but making every endeavour ​to lead the conversation round to Roslawski.
"Do you know London?" I ask.
"Oh, yes; I was there; a long time ago, when I had just finished my University studies."
"I think Roslawski went there for about six months."
"Yes, and he is there still."
My strength has just been put to the test, and I am satisfied. The news I hear neither makes my lips tremble, nor dims my dark-golden eyes with the slightest mist. But I am careful not to pretend either indifference or special good humour. Obojanski, in spite of his weak points, is no mean expert in the knowledge of human nature.
"Indeed! Why, I was informed he had returned to Warsaw already."
"No. I am expecting him about the middle of this month. He is a nice fellow, is he not? We three got on very well together."
"I hope you don't mean that we two do not get on well," I answer, smiling amiably.
He shows me a post-card that he has got from Roslawski: water, some shipping, and an ugly building ashore, with innumerable windows. I for the first time see his ​handwriting: sloping, not very legible; nothing much out of the ordinary. I should like to press it to my lips, which would be a piece of highly unjustifiable sentimentalism.
Greatly as I want to go home, and—like a child—have "a good cry" all by myself, I stay on there for some time. Obojanski offers me several books, dealing mostly with matters zoölogical. I of course try to excuse myself as best I can. At last, he lectures me on the way I am wasting my talents, and says that my mind, "if deprived of intellectual nourishment, will pine away."
"But, Professor," I point out, not without a touch of pride, "I really am not at all naturally fitted to be a woman of scientific attainments."
"Ah, but have a little faith in yourself; you ought to. Truly, science is your exclusive vocation; but you must work; you need to work a good deal. With your abilities …"
I go home, taking the books with me. My room is dark and dreary and solitary. I am most bitterly disappointed.
I have done a silly thing to-day.
A girl named Nierwiska works in the office ​with me. I like her best of all, because she is the prettiest. Both her looks and her get-up are in rather consistent Japanese style; a style that makes her look limp and drooping under the burden of her own hair. Now, on my return from the holidays, I had noticed that she was much changed and extremely dejected.
To-day, contrary to my custom, I left the office with her, and it turned out that our way home was the same for a good distance.
Our conversation runs at first on indifferent matters. Nierwiska answers briefly, in low tones, now and then casting a somewhat suspicious glance towards me. Women have intuition; and she, less cultured than Martha, is averse to purely objective curiosity. I feel that, at any question too bluntly put, she will shut her lips fast, shrink back into herself, and close up like a mimosa leaf; and this makes me doubly cautious. Our talk turns upon the general lot of women who earn their bread.
"Those who are forced to work for their livelihood," she says in musical tones, "are apt to fall into a chronic state of dreariness, even when no real and tangible cause is there." ​
"You are right. Certainly, there are people who cannot understand how it is possible to feel sad, so long as no harm is done them. But for us, life itself is an evil; it harms us."
"Because of the work we have to do."
"Then don't you like your work?"
"On the contrary. I should like it, but …"
"Well, but what?"
"In general, I can work with a pretty good will; but just now I am so weary and so upset. …"
We are now in front of the house where Nierwiska is living. As we take leave of each other, I draw her into the doorway, and ask her in a whisper:
"You are in love, are you not?"
She starts away from me in a flutter of shyness. 1 stroke her hand soothingly.
"And things don't go smoothly, eh? Tell me."
She hangs her head, and replies, in an earnest childlike tone:
"No, they do not."
"What! does he not love you?"
"Perhaps he does—just a little. But I must tell you, with me, self-respect comes first of ​all. … I cannot … Even should I be forced to break it all off, I will have nothing to blush for."
I look at her attentively, not without surprise: till now, I had not known her to be of this stamp.
"As for me," I suddenly burst out, "as for me,—if the man who ruined my life, and took his leave without even a smile or a kind word of farewell, were only to beckon me to him to-day, I would at once follow him like a lamb!"
Then, in the rough, free and easy way of comrades at work, I bid her good-bye with a hand-shake, and walk swiftly away from her door, depressed and uncomfortable; humbled, in a word.
And now, I am in a most vile humour. She has shown herself far more clear-headed than I have. By means of a few commonplaces, she has forced from me an avowal that I never would have made, no, not even to Martha herself! … A pose,—in part at least,—that prodigious self-respect of hers. All the same, she is sacrificing her love to it.
Strange creatures they are! Take Martha's case: purity! why, she was raving about it. ​
Nothing should stand in my way, if I loved; and therefore no doubt I cannot meet with love anywhere.
I often call upon Obojanski now, in the dim semi-conscious hope that I may meet him there. And each of my visits is only a fresh disappointment.
This "hope deferred" is working me up beyond all bearing; and the bitterness of my suffering makes me long for him yet more impatiently and more fondly. Really, I begin to believe that I love the man.
I care no longer for songs, for dances, for flowers. I dream of a strange life, a cold out-of-the-way life,—he and I together,—nay, a life from which kisses should be shut out. I cannot tell why, but I somehow fancy I could not bring myself to kiss that hard, firm-set mouth. Nothing binds me to him—nothing but the sway of his keen, icy glance. And yet, I live in the belief that he is destined to be mine, that no one else shall be my husband.
I went to Obojanski to-day, in order to return to him (unread) a monograph about some species of insect.
From the ante-room I could hear a man's voice. ​
My heart gave a bound of joy, mingled with trepidation; it was stilled again at once.
It was, as I presently found out, the voice of Smilowicz, a former pupil of Obojanski: an ugly little man, who makes people laugh a great deal, not by his wit, but by his queer, comical grimaces.
"I must begin by telling you quite frankly," he says, turning to me, "that at first sight I thought you hateful; you had all the outward appearance of a fine lady. It was only when the Professor had explained to me that you were an accountant and worked for your living, that my hatred changed into sympathy for you."
His hearty laugh infects me with a gaiety so artificial that it almost gives me pain.
"Your compliment, paid in so negative a form, I cannot doubt to be sincere; as such it is a novelty. But I have not the least wish to make my appearance symbolize the dreary lot of a woman who works."
Obojanski, somewhat annoyed, remarks: "Alas! that even the cleverest of her sex should have this little bit of vanity!"
I glance at his form, gracefully leaning back in his easy-chair, clad in a fine suit of ​black cloth; at his trousers, beautifully creased, his nicely-tied cravat, and his silvery beard in perfect trim; and I smile silently. I shall not tell him what comes to my mind: he would directly begin to protest that his clothing is as unpretentious as can be; neither dirty nor untidy, but nothing more. Now all these half-conscious, but innumerable, little insincerities, are distasteful to me: there is something unmanly about them.
"Vanity is nothing but the aesthetic feeling in its maturity. Undoubtedly it contains an element of coquetry, but the latter has its source in the reproductive instinct." This I say, seriously, but speaking quickly, to hide what I feel; adding, "It is by a woman's clothing that her individuality and degree of artistic culture are made known."
"Individuality? In the fetters of fashion? Bah!"
"Well, what is fashion after all? It only expresses variations in the preferences of human beings: just like the various periods in literature and art and history."
Smilowicz interferes. "Yes, but these variations of preference should be free, not enforced." ​
"There is no help for that. In every sphere of life we meet with individuals who have happy thoughts, and with crowds who imitate them. No one orders them to imitate: they do so willingly, driven by the force of other people's opinions, because they neither think nor act for themselves. Besides, is the following of fashion necessarily a spirit of imitation? It is very often, as it were, something infectious in the air we breathe. Short sleeves succeed to long ones, sleeves puffed about the wrists, to sleeves puffed at the shoulders: just as Idealism comes after Realism, and as Mysticism reigns where Positivism reigned once."
"Tut, tut, tut," says the Professor, "there is some difference between literature and dress."
"Oh, surely. … Now, every general trend should allow particular tendencies to come into play, and it is just in these that individuality is manifested. And that's why I simply cannot bear male attire, with its never-changing stiffness and lifelessness of form."
"Ah, but do you not see that this fixed standard is the 'great leveller of classes,' which annihilates inequalities in social standing? Attired as I am, there is no difference ​between me and a shoemaker in his Sunday suit."
Once again, the insincerity, the cheap semiconscious coquetry of these words, is disagreeable to me. No one looking at him could help seeing that a shoemaker, were he clad in those very garments, would be otherwise attired than he. And this Obojanski is perfectly well aware of.
"That," I make answer, "is just what is wrong with men's clothing; it excludes the manifestation of what in reality exists, and, by removing the outward show of an evil, it helps us to forget its presence. I do not think that to be at all right."
"Yes," Smilowicz chimes in with his funny smile, "its result for you, Professor, would be that people, taking you for a shoemaker, might fancy you to be an honest man who gets his bread by his work alone."
The notes of Grieg's Der Frühling just now recur to my mind : they so strongly recall those evenings I spent with Martha. I w^as happier then: every present good is always greatly magnified, when past. I now look back on Klosow as on a Paradise—to which I shall never return! ​
Something grievous is awaiting me here. And, meanwhile, he does not come—he does not come!
"There are times when I doubt whether I am doing well to awake your mind so early, and raise doubts on all the points you were accustomed to believe in. I fear you may find such views an intolerable weight upon your mind, and lose yourself in the maze of my own sceptical musings."
With these words, Obojanski winds up a long lecture that tends to prove there is no such thing as a God, and that the soul is but a function of the body. I smile at his fears, which (I assure him) are quite groundless: I am not in danger of any doubt whatever on things fundamental.
"I now see that I look upon you as a friend, and talk to you about everything. I forget that you are a woman—and as yet all but a little girl."
And here the electric bell rings; its tinkle announces nothing out of the common to me!
"Who has come so late?" I ask, trembling all over.
"Roslawski, very likely. … He arrived ​yesterday, and wrote that he would be here; but I was not expecting him any longer."
I hear the servant's steps in the ante-room, and the door as it opens. Obojanski leaves the room, and presently I recognize that voice—his voice! He is explaining the cause of his delay in coming.
"Have you any one with you?" he asks, evidently averse to seeing strangers now.
"No, no; only Smilowicz and Miss Dernowicz, whom you know. … Come along."
This time my self-control has quite forsaken me, and I feel my face on fire. … My first impulse is to jump up from my chair and welcome him; fortunately, I have not the strength to rise.
I keep silence, hanging down my head, so as to conceal the working of my features. Smilowicz says something to me, but I cannot make out what.
In comes Roslawski; I bow without looking him in the face; indeed, I scarce raise my head at all.
I am terribly afraid I shall do some unexpected thing. A wild unaccountable terror comes over me, such as one feels when about to faint. I clench my teeth, expectant. ​
After a while, my nervousness passes away, and I can hear myself asking him about his voyage, about England, about the sea; the calm indifference of my own voice is a surprise to me.
The first coherent thought which strikes me is—that I am a handsome woman: that I must be handsome. Roslawski is talking to Obojanski; it is a long time since they met, and they must be left to themselves a little while. I get up from my arm-chair and go towards Smilowicz, who stands silently by, looking at a new book on one of the shelves. Cool, majestic, with head erect and bright eyes shining serenely in the gas-light, I walk by, close to Roslawski. I see myself as from without, clad in a clinging black dress, wearing a great soft and quaintly designed autumn hat; with outlines that form a graceful silhouette, slow movements, picturesque in their indolence, the outcome of a superfluity of latent vital force, kept down and subdued by the will.
For the first time now I cast my eyes upon him, and meet that cold, critical glance of his. No one but myself has ever hitherto been able to look at me in such wise.
I am standing by Smilowicz, and stoop ​down with a motion full of elegance and grace, to read the title of the book he is perusing. And all the time I know that the other's cold glance is fixed on me.
"You have changed very considerably during the vacation, Miss Dernowicz," Roslawski says to me, in an undertone audible in the quiet room.
"Have I?" This I say with a smile, raising my head.
"Yes, you seem taller now, and more like a 'grown-up.' Last year there was still something of the schoolgirl in your appearance."
I protest, laughingly, and try to talk with Smilowicz. But instead of listening to him, I am thinking.
Roslawski is to my mind not so much a man as a mechanical power, something of a nature that is hostile and full of hatred; something dangerous; a mesmeric influence. This tall, well-dressed, well-informed gentleman in glasses is not to my mind a living man: rather a sort of abstract idea. At times I can scarce believe him to have any personal existence at all.
I have somehow the impression that I am standing upon a railway track, in a whirlwind ​of frozen snow. Above the howling of the blast, I hear the thunder of an approaching train; but I remain rooted to the spot, my eyes fixed upon the cold unfeeling glare from the lamps of the engine rushing on and going to crush me:—rooted there as in a dreadful nightmare, and unable to take my eyes away from those calm and ever-dazzling lights. There I stand, waiting, powerless, full of hostility yet of self-abasement.
Tea is brought, and the conversation becomes general. To the atmosphere that always reigns at Obojanski's, Roslawski now brings a newly imported stock of British iciness and rigidity. We all are sensible of the bonds of I know not what invisible etiquette, enveloping and wrapping us up like subtle, unbreakable cobwebs: we no longer venture to laugh out loud; everything is suppressed and stiff and grey.
"So then," he says, without for a second taking his eyes ofif me during the whole of our conversation, "so then, you can manage to look at everything in life as an object of observation and severe minute analysis?"
"Yes, I can. Predominance of the ​thinking over the emotional faculties is a characteristic of my brain."
"Don't you consider this a disadvantage to you? Such constant vigilance must deprive you of all directness in feeling."
"To some extent, yes. But this want of directness is fully compensated by the very process of observation and analysis, which are a source of intense pleasure to me. Besides, in the place of mere intensity of impression, I attain a far wider range; for my mind has the pleasure of perceiving and discriminating certain nice shades, which escape the notice of others."
A smile rises to Roslawski's lips, and I feel my soul freezing within me.
And now, summer is dead and gone: withered with suffering and desire, the flame-red flower of Life has fallen to the ground. Now once more the infinite ice-plains are stretching all around me. Behold the sun quenched in the black sky, and the greenish Northern Lights rising above the horizon. And my icecold dreams, that had died, now come to life again. And see! that Soul of mine, which trampled my flowers beneath her feet, girds up her loins and goes forth into the snowy ​Infinite, priding herself upon her sorry triumph, and singing joyously her lofty and sublime hymn to Death!
Oh, how terrible it is, when the Soul is victorious! How terrible!
The weather has changed very suddenly; it is nearly as warm as in summer, and the leaves seem to have turned yellow with heat.
I am coming home from the office, alone and forsaken by all.
I am dreaming (like a dream indeed it is) of the boundless fields, the picturesque ridges, the dark forests and fragrant meadows of Klosow. I see the park, too, with its neatly-trimmed shrubberies and lofty trees; their bare trunks and leafy tops forming a canopy high overhead under the sky, and the foliage turning yellow or red in the sunny glare. The pond, too, do I see—so large that it may be called a lake—the pond, bleak and desolate in the moonless, starless night; that night, when I broke away from the magic spell of Life, and slew my own felicity with my own hands.
Before my eyes, people are walking along the avenues, strewn with dry dead leaves. The slightest breath of air brings down from ​the trees these tatters and strips, once a purple kingly mantle: but men go on, pitilessly trampling down the rustling leaves.
Now I am in a strange humour—a sort of Pantheistic mood. My Ego is multiplying, growing into countless gods, and penetrating the whole world, wherein there is no room for aught save Me. And, therefore, prodigious amazement takes hold of me, when I think how all these crowds of people can tread upon my golden autumnal leaves, or glance at me, because I have a noticeable face and a hat à la diable m'enporte. Can I think that they live? There is no life but mine only.
No, they have not life.
And there,—an immense way off, on the farther shore of the Ocean of Infinity,—there he stands, he, the only foe worthy of me: and he waits that I should go onward to meet him!
And I—I stand in fear. For a week I have not been at Obojanski's, where he goes pretty nearly every night.
When the thought comes to me of the splendid sorrel mount I had, and of Janusz whose lips were so sweet, I have a mind to burst out crying. But I shall not go back there, unless … Oh, if I could help going back! ​
I have an irresistible inclination to seek for types amongst people. I do not like things accidental, either without logical connection, or without connection with the special nature of a given mind. If it depended upon me, I would, like a scientist at work in his laboratory, remove from every character whatever is unnecessary and unessential, lest this should render its reactions with others too complicated and obscure. For example, I should like to make of Obojanski a sage of ancient Greece, and eliminate from him everything that disagreed with this type. Smilowicz should be a narrow-minded Socialist: as matters stand, he is too clever for his type, and most needlessly cleverer than Obojanski. Roslawski is almost perfect. I should only desire—and this, too, for purely personal motives—that he might look upon marriage from a less absolutely ideal standpoint.
What my own type is, I do not know. Very likely I have none; and this has troubled my mind for ever so many a year. I am unable to find anything general in myself, or to define my own nature in one word and make an abstraction of it. For that, I am far too complex. ​
My father was a bricklayer; and yet there is nothing vulgar in my face or postures or motions. I sweep my floor and clean my own shoes: yet my hands are as soft as velvet. During the whole of my childhood, I used either to go barefoot, or in cheap, clumsy boots; yet my feet are white, and bear no mark that I ever went so. My work for the greater part of the day—the adding up of innumerable columns of figures—is such as might benumb most brains, and yet I am quite able to think keenly. Though I neither write poetry, nor sing, nor paint, I have a thoroughly artistic mind. My way of living borders on the penurious; yet I have all the epicurean instincts of those who live at another's expense. After all, I am (as I am perfectly well aware) nothing extraordinary; and yet, to be the little that I am, I have not undergone one twinge of conscience; in all that is Me, there is not one atom of harm done to any one, and no one single tear of any being alive.
A post-card from Martha, with a "Decadent" figure of a woman, all covered over with microscopic handwriting.
"Grandfather is dangerously ill. I have ​not had a wink of sleep for a week, and am almost light-headed in consequence. Nervous energy alone has sustained me till now: I cannot answer for the morrow. I continually feel as if my brain were swelling, and would presently fly to pieces. I am tormented with the horrible uselessness of undeserved pain. I don't want to think what the end of all this is to be. I only know that something within me is giving way. Never yet has my spirit been so broken down: I am now paying the score of the Past, and with usurious interest besides. The autumn of life has come upon me, taking me unawares: nor is it relieved by any reminiscence of a spring-time that never was mine. Every night, and all night long, I am sitting by poor Grandfather's bed, going over my interminable litany of sorrow, and shedding my heart's blood drop by drop.—M."
And about Janusz not one word!
As I am going home from the office to-day, I come across Smilowicz, with a big parcel of books under his arm. In spite of his ridiculous smile, the man impresses me: the life he leads is in such strict conformity with the ​doctrines which he professes. Obojanski tells me he is a very able teacher of Natural Science; but he loses all his lessons, because he cannot reconcile his advanced opinions with what the school superintendents require. For some time past, he has had nothing, or nearly nothing, to eat: he spends his mornings in the University Library, and his evenings at Obojanski's.
As we pass along by the "Philharmonia" building, he informs me that he has never been inside it.
"Do you object to going there?"
"Most certainly. I am against music, fine costumes, everything that represents satisfaction and amusement. To me all that only suggests extortion, wrong-doing, and injustice: for but a few are able to go there, and that only at the expense of others."
"But you forget that wrong-doing and injustice are by no means essentials of the Beautiful, of Art, and of artistic delight, though at the present time they happen to exist in connection with these. Your theory seems to me to make far too much of what actually is. Try to deliver yourself from the fetters of the Temporal; look upon the present day, as ​being yourself outside of it and soaring above it: do you see what I mean?—I also resent whatever is unjust, but I can separate the Beautiful therefrom and love it, both in Art and in life."
"Well, you may be right, but I cannot take up so objective a point of view. In me indignation overbears any gentler artistic sentiment. Yet more: I think it is not now the time to enjoy Art, or to plunge into the deep and subtle analyses of Estheticism. What we want at the present time is Action."
"But, for myself, I quiet my conscience with the fact, which I know to be true, that I am living now just as I should live in that future when, as Ferri says, all are from the very outset to have equal opportunities for their development."
Smilowicz is pleased.
"Ah, then you understand. … I was afraid you had been surprised at my friendship for Obojanski, seeing the way I am accustomed to talk. But, you know, if scientific work were properly remunerated, Obojanski's monographs would bring him in enough money to live as sumptuously as he is doing now. So he arrives at the very same result, ​though by different roads. Yet that, unfortunately, is paltering with principles."
Oh, I should not object, so far as I am concerned, to any such "paltering!" As things stand, I am working too much: I might work less and do something better. … All my talent is quite thrown away on those everlasting accounts.
My dream is now, how to make more money. And this renders me somewhat uneasy; perhaps it is on account of pecuniary circumstances that I am now considering the possibility of marriage with Janusz, in case Roslawski …
This I should not like. Not because it would show my character in an ignoble light. That's nonsense. No, but it would mark how little I care for the creature I could take on such terms.
I am of those whose sin is greater than the sin of Eve and Adam: I have eaten of the fruit of the knowledge that there is neither good nor evil.
Yes, for I have gone on—on to the very end. Every one has something he can call his own. Sufferers magnify in their mind the power of ​suffering; those who have abandoned everything make a god of their strength of will to do so. But I have nothing left, nothing absolutely. Of beauty I have not enough to love that beauty in myself. Wisdom is wisdom from one standpoint only: that lost, its very idea ceases to exist. I have too much mind to be artful and mysterious, so I strike no one as being uncommon. I have all the shortcomings of a perfect sage; for I believe in nothing, and am indifferent to all things. But I am not, as sages are, encyclopædic, nor do I love knowledge, nor have I any. At the same time, I do not, like a typical Decadent, hug myself at the thought of my doubts and of my indifference. Quite the contrary—to others, nay, even to myself, I play the part of one that is blithe, well-favoured, happy, and quite satisfied with being what I am. This is not because I deliberately try to keep my secret to myself, but because merriment is to my mind less wearisome than the apathy of doubt. And I have not as my own even what I say here, for I am not sure that it is true. …
Roslawski …? Well, say I am attracted by the interest of an experiment. ​Out of which I am making a grave and important affair, simply because of my love for some pathos in life. …
Why, Janusz himself can be "distinguished" on certain occasions.
Madame, (he writes), May I venture to remind you that the period chosen by you, within which to give me a definite answer, will have come to an end on Monday next?
I beg to remain, Madame,
Most respectfully yours,
Janusz.
Yes, the time has come. I shall go to Obojanski's to-night.
Here I have come, with fevered lips and ice-cold heart, only to find that Roslawski went away but a quarter of an hour ago, having to dine with some friends this evening.
I still can smell in the air the brand of cigars that he smokes. … My eye-brows and lids are twitching as if agitated by some witch's spell.
Yet I experience not the least disappointment at not finding him here: rather a sense ​of relief, that I can put the affair off a little longer.
Obojanski tells me what a favourite of Roslawski I am, and goes so far as to hint—in jest—that he is in love with me. This very evening he was asking why I have paid no visit to my old Professor for such a length of time. This, for a man of his sort, must mean a great deal.
In the main, however, Obojanski is this evening in a pessimistic and quarrelsome mood. He blames me for too readily taking up with new trends of thought: which does me great harm. There is no contemporary poet equal to Homer: I ought therefore to be somewhat more deeply read in the works of the old classics, which reflect such a healthy feeling of harmony between body and mind.
"You are," he says, "daily less mindful of the admirable maxim, 'Mens sana in corpore sano.'"
"Why, no; I decidedly uphold proper care of the body, to make it hardy and healthy, and able to resist the wear and tear of our now over-subtle and over-sensitive minds."
"Yes, but nowadays our very minds are diseased." ​
"Well, then, let my motto be: 'In a sound body, a diseased mind!'"
Or what people may choose to call diseased.
Scholars and thinkers, though they surely must have made some studies in logic, yet reason thus by analogy: Disease of the body is any departure from its normal state: consequently, any but an average mind is diseased. But if they start from the premise that mind and body are identical, then why reason at all on the matter?
Now I would burst into song, to run about in the open country, flooded with the white low sunbeams, and to utter cries of joy.
Why? Because the old Professor has said: "He is in love with you!" And because I believe he has spoken the truth.
Yes, and I shall continue to believe it till sundown, and I still am dreaming of a joyful triumph. I had one before, but it was far from joyful.
To-morrow evening I shall go to see Obojanski once more; and I shall tremble with great fear.
I am sure my answer to Janusz will be delayed. To-night Smilowicz and Roslawski ​accompanied me home together. I cannot say whether I shall get any opportunity for a private talk with him. Perhaps it is better so: but, then, Janusz is waiting for his answer down in Klosow.
Roslawski is the one man in the world before whose gaze my eyes must droop. That alone can throw me off my balance, rob me of my customary untroubled assurance; for it is the only force able to master mine.
Towards the end, our talk turns to love and marriage.
The latter Smilowicz looks upon from an economic standpoint, and thinks it is, in our present conditions of life, a necessary evil. All the same, he informs Obojanski that a certain mutual acquaintance of theirs, who married not long ago, is perfectly happy with his wife.
"Ah, yes," Obojanski guardedly observes, "in the first months, even such a thing is not impossible."
Roslawski's face puts on a cold smile. Indeed, he is in favour of marriage, as is quite natural with a man who has sown his wild oats, and is desirous of love that is lawful. The fastest men I ever knew were ​theoretically in favour of monogamy. Imszanski, too, always told Martha that, were it not for the fickleness of women and various other untoward conditions, he would be happiest with one woman and one alone.
On this point, Obojanski is a sceptic; this is the only subject on which he can speak wittily.
"And you,—do you intend to marry for love?" Roslawski asks me suddenly, with a subtle tinge of flippancy in his tone, such as men of his kind always use in speaking to women: an attitude with him quite instinctive and unreasoned, since he is very far from sharing Obojanski's prejudice concerning the inferiority of our sex.
A sudden qualm of terror seizes me, but I master it, and say with a tranquil smile: "Your question makes me feel as if under examination. Confess now that you are at present wanting to know what my reply will be, not what I really intend to do."
There is an ironical gleam in his eyes.
"You may take my word for it that I am not," he answers emphatically.
"In that case, I'll tell you as much as I myself know. If I marry for love, it will not last ​very long; if, on the contrary, I do so with judgment and out of a conscious conviction that the man is destined for me, then I shall be faithful to my husband all my life."
"And which of these alternatives do you prefer?"
"The second," I reply; and add truthfully, "for there are certain classes of feeling in which I object to changes."
"Really? But you would have the same result, even if you married for love."
"I am afraid I cannot bring myself to believe in the eternal duration of mere feeling. Love in marriage, as a rule, becomes in time a sort of mutuality of habit, a sense of solidarity, as it were, and now and then even a brotherhood of minds. It is just in such cases that divorce would be advisable."
"And when it is a marriage of reason?"
"Why, then the question is correctly stated from the first; at the outset, suitability of characters and of individualities are taken into consideration, so as to prevent any possibility of future disagreement."
"And yet it is possible to obtain the continuance of love by incessantly watching over it, by not unf requently putting on a mask, and ​by keeping private certain emotions and states of mind which might prejudice one party in the eyes of the other."
How the remembrance of Janusz comes back to me as I listen! Of all this, he knew nothing at all.
"I doubt whether so much trouble is very profitable," I return. "The game is hardly worth the candle."
"And yet some there are," he goes on to say, "for whom present bliss has no value, if they know beforehand that the morrow will take it away. And they often prefer to renounce it entirely."
The words are spoken calmly, without any apparent significance; yet there is in their tone, I fancy, an under-current of ominous import.
"Well," I say, repressing my irrational dread, "then let all such take care to marry with judgment."
"Nevertheless, to give love and get in its place only intellectuality is not a good bargain, I fear."
Now—now I understand—and I almost feel hatred for the man. Yes, I may throw ​myself under the wheels of a locomotive, but never will I say I do that out of love for it!
"Reasonable people should remember that 'the heart is no servant,' and that, beyond intellectual and conscious resolve, we can find nothing on which we can safely count." This I say, as light-heartedly and as smilingly as I can, feeling meanwhile the dismay of a horrible misgiving—almost a certitude—clutching at my heart.
And now at last I am alone with Roslawski and Obojanski. I remain in my corner all the evening, saying little, overwhelmed with dread of the coming decisive moment. That tall, red-haired gentleman in glasses,—I simply detest him!
Roslawski sets to playing Wagner,—stiffly, correctly, like an automaton. His playing grates strongly upon my nerves: each of the notes taps on my heart-strings.
Obojanski is enchanted. He goes about the room on tiptoe, making the floor creak as he walks; he fetches music from the book-shelves for Roslawski, and lays them in heaps on the piano. Now and again he glances at me, and whispers, almost aloud: "How very ​beautiful!" He finally brings me a volume of some German encyclopædia, and opens it at the article "Wagner," which he expects me to read.
I am so upset that I nearly break down. Resting my head on the back of the sofa, I look up at the ceiling to swallow down my tears as they well up. And I begin to weave fancies.
A wonderful immemorial forest, through which, clad in armour, knights are riding on white steeds. Most lofty oaks, strong-limbed and gnarled, with black trunks and dark-blue foliage, strike their roots deep into the ground. Amid mosses in hue like malachite, ferns put forth their sprays of sea-green lace. Fairies dance merrily among the trees, and scatter round them pearls of ringing laughter. And far away, lost in reverie, upon a dark, enchanted lake there floats a swan. A strange, clear, chilly splendour illuminates the twilight.
All at once a thunderbolt, a red thunderbolt falls: and the oak forest and the lake vanish into the depths of the earth. … Yet thunderstorms only take place on sultry summer days. ​
No, no, all this was but a dream.
Now there comes before me the infinite wilderness of my own ice-plains, hard-frozen beneath the cold and glassy skies. I am afraid, I am horribly afraid, I cannot breathe, seeing those endless plains of ice, under that canopy of green and frosty light: it is the kingdom of my soul!
But far away, at the sky-line, where without warmth the Aurora Borealis beams, there stands a huge statue, a basalt-hewn statue. This recks not of the unbounded wilderness, nor of the chilly gleams of the Northern Lights, nor of the stars, those silver eyes of Time. Tranquil and undismayed it stands. That is Roslawski.
On I march towards him, plodding through the deep and drifting snow; at his feet, I fall upon my knees.
And I beseech him to hide the boundless wilderness from my sight; to protect me from the icy air of death, so that I may dwell in this land of my soul, and yet not die. "For behold, this day I am weak exceedingly, this day I stand in fear of the plains of ice."
But he says: "Here in the snows around me, you must first lay out a garden as of the ​tropics; and yourself must blossom into a flame-red and purple rose."
And I make answer: "My lord, without the light of the sun, how is any rose to blow?"
Once more a thunderclap resounds. He is gone. I am all alone amid my ice-plains: and I live yet.
Bound I am, with fetters made of ice. The silvery wings of my soul are glittering under the canopy of heaven, and in the greenish splendour of the Northern Lights. She would not share with me my years of burning heat, and now she will not have me share this realm of hers. A snake is lying on my bosom, and, coiled about my neck, sucks the warm blood thence. …
We bid good-night to Obojanski, and go out into the street together.
"I have to tell you something; or, rather, I have one question, only one, to put to you." These are my first words.
"I am quite at your service."
From the instant when I begin to speak, the sense of dread passes away from me, and an immense quietude takes its place.
"I must, however, lay down one condition. I will have from you no other answer save ​the word Yes or No. I do not wish—and this is of consequence to me—to hear any comments whatever. Do you agree?"
"Most willingly," he returns, with a smile; "the condition that you lay down I certainly shall keep."
"You must know then," I go on, "that, since I became acquainted with you, I have known you for the only man who could make me happy. Some time ago, another man, one who deserves my sympathy and whom I trust, asked me to marry him. Being of opinion that, in the last resort, the knowledge that one is greatly loved may serve as a substitute for happiness, I have taken a month to think the matter over. My decision depends upon your answer. I ought perhaps to add that I can foresee what this is likely to be; but that I am very anxious to get absolute certainty on this point, lest I should at some future time have to reproach myself with having let my chance of happiness go by."
There is a silence.
"May I venture to ask you to put your question in a more definite form?"
"Are you, or are you not, willing to marry me?" ​
Another silence.
"No: and yet, supposing that …"
"Remember my condition."
No more is said.
In front of my lodgings we bid each other a calm and friendly farewell.
The next morning, on my way to my office, I put a long scented envelope into a post-box. It is addressed to Janusz.
Nevertheless, the decision which it contains is—not to marry him.
Yes, I am now the bond-slave of my soul: these my ice-plains, it is no longer mine to leave them.
I have done with suffering. … During all these long days and nights, I have not shed one tear. I do not suffer now: the agony-delirium has passed those limits, beyond which no difference is felt between joy and misery, beyond which there is no night of woe, that contrasts with day.
In the still autumn twilight, I am shut up in my dark and lonely room. Lest I should awake my soul, that has fallen asleep, I am pacing the soft carpet with noiseless steps.
I am in terror of the very movements which ​I myself make. Trembling with cold—or is it with my own emptiness of heart?—and leaning against my doorway in the darkness, wrapped in the folds of my soft shaggy portiere, I open my swooning lips to utter a soundless cry, and look staring into the mobile fluttering dark with tired and quiet gaze.
I do not suffer; I exist—in a world wherein the night of woe no longer is a contrast with day, wherein there prevails a tranquil dusk, without sun and without stars.
There is no Ego of mine. I am beyond existence and beyond nothingness—in that world wherein dies the immemorial conflict between dream and vigil; where Wrong, robed in her queenly purple, is no longer shadowed by Vengeance, in her pallid green attire; where stony Hatred no longer hugs in her fierce embrace the weeping god of love; where the marble statue of Pride no longer renders homage to the grim spectre. Fear; wherein there are no more wretched victories, nor the portentous delights of worshipping oneself and the Power of Self!
No, there is no more any Ego of mine. … I am in a world to which even the unlimited fields of Infinity cannot reach, for it ​was everlastingly beyond all limits. I am in a world in which Duration neither flows nor stands still; wherein Solitude is not, though neither are there spirits to commune with; where there is only no solitude, because there is no Me.
Do I suffer? No. I am in a world where I have no being.
I could well die, if I chose: but my body, well-favoured as it is, would fain not part from my bright, though mournful soul. Therefore am I willing to live.
But there is nought for which I can any longer care; I dwell in a world which my soul is never to behold: for when Death comes, my soul's existence will be over.
Yet not because nothingness is there. To believe that there is nothingness, one must indeed have an intense power of faith. I cannot bring myself to accept the creed of nothingness. For in the world where I am now, neither Being is, nor Non-Being; there is neither the Ego nor the Non-Ego; nor has the soul ever laid her icy hand upon the body: I am in a world wherein there is no soul of mine.
My soul will end its being at the instant of ​Death, not because that world is a world of nothingness, but because therein is no such thing as indestructibility of substance.
I might, if I chose, die; but death matters nothing to me. To solve the riddle of life, I do not require death. For now I know all. I know that, in that other world, knowledge and ignorance are not incompatible, nor is there in that world any desire to know. And therefore I shall never solve the riddle of life, because I have solved it now.
I know that which no man knows: that to read the riddle, I need not know all things. For there is no Me!
And I am indeed in a world which contradicts our world, but with a contradiction in which negation and assertion are the same.
But in one thing I do believe—the only thing that is.
And that thing is: No!
Such a No as does not contradict Yes, but means what No means, taken together with Yes.
Such a No as Roslawski said to me.
And if I suffer nothing, it is because I belong to a world wherein joy and sorrow are the same.