# Book of Etiquette/Volume 1/Part 2/Chapter 7

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CHAPTER VII
PARENTS AND CHILDREN
THE HOME
The home is the unit of our social life, and just as the whole can be no greater than the sum of its parts so the standard of behavior in a community can be no higher than the sum of the standards in the homes that make up that community. If in the home one observes strictly the rules of politeness, which means kindness, one will have very little trouble with the rules of etiquette, which is simply the way politeness finds expression in our intercourse with each other. Minor canons of etiquette change from time to time but good manners are always the same, and never out of fashion.
APPEARANCE OF THE HOUSE
Obviously a book on etiquette cannot go into the problems of interior decoration; yet a word or two will not be out of place. The influence of one's surroundings on one's temper is enormous though the person may be unconscious of the fact. A disordered room gives a feeling of depression and hopelessness to the one who enters it while one that is tidy tends to impart a feeling of restfulness. If in addition to its neatness it is furnished in harmonious colors—and one cannot be too careful of the ​colors that are used in the home—in subdued tones it will contribute much more to the peace and happiness of the home than even those who live there realize. It will not eliminate bad tempers or do away with disagreeable moments but it will certainly help to reduce them to a minimum.
DRESS
In another volume in the chapter on funerals we have spoken of the influence of dress, especially of the influence of the constant presence of black on young children. This is only one small phase of a very big subject.
In the home the chief requisite of one's dress is neatness. A man will find it much easier to accord the little courtesies of well-bred society to his wife if she is neatly and becomingly dressed, however simple the gown may be, than if she is slatternly and untidy. The children also will find it much easier to love, honor and obey if their parents give a reasonable amount of time to taking care of their personal appearance. It is not the most important thing in life but it is one of the little things "that of large life make the whole" and one that has much to do with making it pleasant or unpleasant.
In one of O. Henry's stories a little girl down on Chrystie Street asks her father, "a red-haired, unshaven, untidy man sitting shoeless by the window" to play a game of checkers with her. He refuses and the child goes out into the street to play with the other children "in the corridors of the house of sin." The story is not a pretty one. Six or seven years later there is a dance, a murder and a plunge into the East River. And then the great short story writer says that he dreamed the rest of the ​story. He thought he was in the next world and "Liz," for that was the girl's name, was being tried for murder and self-destruction. There was no doubt but that she had committed the crimes ascribed to her, but the verdict of the officer in the celestial court was, "Discharged." And he added, "The guilty party you've got to look for in this case is a red-haired, unshaven, untidy man, sitting by the window reading, in his stocking feet, while his children play in the streets." It is not so much that dress in itself is important but that it is an index to so much else, and while it is not an infallible one it is about as near right as any we have.
DRESS FOR CHILDREN
There can be nothing quite so humiliating to a child as to be dressed in an outlandish fashion that renders him conspicuous. Some mothers, delighting in the attractive clothes that they buy for their children, do not realize what havoc they are causing to the tastes of the child. A little boy should be dressed like a little boy, and he should be allowed to develop his own tastes in the selection of his suits and blouses. A little girl should by all means be allowed to make her choice of the clothes she is to wear, guided by mother's superior knowledge and experience. But to force a child to wear a garment against which its very soul revolts, is to crush whatever natural instincts the child may have for the beautiful and artistic.
It is sad to see a child fretting uncomfortably in a suit that is too tight, or a huge sailor hat that laps down over the eyes. Simple, comfortable clothes are the best for children, but they should be of excellent material. Rather give the child one dress of excellent material and ​workmanship, than two that are faulty and inferior. Teach her to appreciate material and she will always prefer quality to gaudiness.
CHILDREN AND DEVELOPMENT
It is not enough to give children the material things of life. There are some things that money cannot buy, and this thing we call "culture" is one of them. It is a part of the heavy responsibility of parents to lead the children in their charge into the paths of right thinking and right living and the task should be a joyous one. For every child born into the world has infinite possibilities and at its very worst the task is illumined by the ray of hope. Even the ugly duckling became a swan.
KNOW YOUR CHILDREN!
Make that your first commandment in your plan of child-culture. Know your children! And by "knowing" we do not mean their faults, their likes and dislikes, their habits. Know their ambitions, their little hopes, their fears and joys and sorrows. Be not only their advisors and parents, but their friends.
In his book, "Making the Most of the Children," La Rue says: "We may say there are four kinds of parents,—spades, clubs, diamonds and hearts." The spade parent, he explains, is buried in his work, eager only to clothe attractively the body of the child, but willing that its soul go naked. The club parent is engrossed in social activities; the father with his clubs and sports, the mother with her dinners and entertainments. The diamond par​ents love glitter and ostentation. They must seem wealthy and prosperous at all costs. They devote their time and thought to their home and outward appearance—they never think about knowing their children.
But the heart parent, La Rue tells us, is the man or woman who is essentially a home maker. He provides a library for the child, a cosy room, an environment that is truly home. And he spends time with him, learning all about his hopes and ambitions, encouraging him, teaching him. He knows the child; and the child knows that he has a friend upon whom to depend not only for material comforts but for spiritual advice and guidance.
You must know your children, before you can attempt to make them well-mannered and well-bred.
IMITATION
The strongest force that enters into the molding of children's character and deportment is the character and deportment of their own parents. Youngsters cannot find the beautiful gift of good manners in some unknown place; whatever they do and say is in imitation of something they heard their elders do and say. The whole life of a man or woman is colored by the environment and atmosphere of his or her early childhood.
Children should not be taught "party manners." If they are to be well-bred at all, they must be so at all times; and ill-bred parents can no more have well-bred children than an oak tree can have pine needles. And the chief beauty of perfect manners is that they are so habitual as to be perfectly unconscious.
Of great importance, therefore, is the law of teaching ​by example. Show the children that you yourself follow the laws of good conduct and courtesy. Whether guests are present or not, let your table etiquette be faultless. Address everyone, and especially the children themselves, with studied courtesy and thoughtfulness. A well-bred child is known immediately by his or her speech; and when courtesy and gentle, polite conversation is the rule in the home, it will follow as the night the day that it will be the rule elsewhere.
Parents invariably feel embarrassment at the ill-manners and lack of courtesy on the part of their children. They would often be able to avoid this embarrassment if they realized that it was simply their manners and lack of courtesy in the home, an indication that they themselves neglect the tenets of good breeding.
THE CHILD'S SPEECH
It is a very grave mistake to repress constantly the speech of children. But it is necessary that they should be taught early the true value of conversation, instead of being permitted to prattle nonsense. An excellent training is to converse with the child when you are alone with him, drawing out his ideas, giving him "food for thought," telling him interesting stories and watching his reactions.
In addressing elders the child should know exactly the correct forms to use. For instance, it is no longer considered good form for anyone except servants or tradespeople to use the expressions "Yes, ma'am," and "Yes, sir." Still there is some deference due parents and elders, and the correct method of address is, "Yes, mother," or ​"No, father," or "Thank you, Mr. Gray." The manner of the child is just as important as the form of expression; a courteous, respectful manner should always be used towards elders.
Contradictions are unbecoming in children. Yet the young girl or boy must be entitled to his or her own opinion. If something is said with which he does not agree, and if he is taking part in the conversation, he may say, "I beg your pardon, but …" or, "I really think you are making a mistake. I think that …"
AT THE TABLE
The final test of good manners comes at the table. Remembering this the parents should lay special stress on this part of a child's training, so as to make his manner of eating as natural as his manner of breathing. And one is almost as important as the other. There are no particular rules for children beyond those which older people should follow and these are given further on in this volume. Children are really little men and women and their training is all for the purpose of equipping them to live the lives of men and women in the happiest and most useful way possible.
A child should never seat himself until those older than he are in place though even this should not be ostentatious. As soon as the mother or whoever is presiding at the table indicates that it is time for them to be seated they all should take their places almost simultaneously.
Disparaging comments on the food are ill-bred. Unpleasant incidents should be passed over lightly whether ​they take place in the intimacy of the home circle or in a more formal gathering.
The conversation should be agreeable. Quarreling, nagging, gossiping, scandal-mongering, and fretting are absolutely taboo.
PLAYMATES
We have already said that children catch their manners from the people about them. This is as true of their playmates as of their parents and when the child is in school nearly all day and playing out somewhere the rest of the time except during the evening when he is at home studying it is perhaps even more so. The most rigid discipline and the most loving care will not prevail against the example of Tom, Dick, or Harry, if these three have been allowed "to run wild." There is a glamor about lawlessness even among children. This should be kept in mind by their parents, and while they should be placed, insofar as it is possible, among desirable playmates, there should not be too stern repression. For this may stifle development, it may breed sullenness, or it may engender rebellion.
There are too many parents to-day who try to bring up their children "by the rule." There is no rule. Each child is a law unto himself and the best way the mother or father can learn to take care of him is to study the youngster himself.
Instead of the swaggering playmate or one that is otherwise undesirable the parent should offer something better. Of course, he should be his child's friend and counselor as well as his parent, but the wisest and most ​lovable parent that ever lived could not satisfy all the longings and desires of the child's heart. He needs companionship of his own age. The constant friction among playmates is the best way in the world to rub away sharp corners and rough places.
Games, books, music, toys, friends—carefully chosen, these are the most important elements which enter into the molding of the child's life and are therefore the ones to which greatest attention should be given.
CHILDREN'S PARTIES
A party is something that the average child looks back upon with pleasure for a long, long time. There is no more pleasant way of inculcating a feeling of genuine hospitality or of bringing about an easy manner in the drawing-room than through allowing children to have parties and giving them a large share of the responsibility for making them successful. The mother should superintend everything but she should consult and advise the child about favors, refreshments, etc. The most attractive invitations are those which the youngster himself writes. Charming designs may be had from the stationers with blank spaces to be filled it by the person sending them. This makes the child's task delightful as well as simple.
Until he is old enough to write, his mother pens his invitations. Rarely are engraved invitations used for a children's affair. The invitation may be addressed to the child or to its mother and since parties for little people are usually very informal the invitation should be informal also. The following shows a form which is sometimes used.
   Dear Mrs. Grant,
   I am having a little party for some of Julian's friends Thursday afternoon and am so anxious for Mary to come. If you will send her about four o'clock I will see that she gets hack home around six.
   Cordially yours,
   Agnes K. Marshall.
If the invitation is addressed to the child it might be worded something like this:
   Dear Mary,
   Julian is planning to have a little party Thursday afternoon and he wants you to come about four o'clock. Tell your mother that we will see that you get home about six. We both want you very much.
   Cordially your friend,
   Agnes K. Marshall.
Birthday parties are usually held in the afternoon between three and six. Older children, those of the Sweet Sixteen age, may have parties from four to seven, or eight o'clock. Hallowe'en, New Year and St. Patrick's Day parties for little tots, are invariably in the afternoon. Mother should arrange for sufficient interesting games to keep the youngsters amused and entertained; and it always adds greatly to the fun, if a little prize is offered for the winner of each game.
Parties and ice-cream, of course, go hand in hand. Sweets, cakes and fruit usually accompany the ice-cream. Sometimes hot chocolate and wafers are served to the youngsters. At the birthday party, the inevitable birth​day cake is usually cut and served by the young host or hostess. Mother must not forget the candles, "one for each year and one for good measure." The refreshments at young folks' parties are usually served at or about four o'clock.
It is most essential to have a sufficient number of amusements planned to keep the children entertained every minute of the time. They cannot be trusted to take care of themselves especially if the party is a mixed one. The hostess must also be careful not to have the games so active as to tire the youngsters out and she must be sure that the refreshments are wholesome. It is no very small undertaking to give a successful children's party but the reward is great enough to make it worth while.
PLANNING SURPRISES
The two important rules of children's parties may be analyzed briefly as: simplicity and a surprise combined with suspense. Suspense is especially important; children have impatient little souls and when they are promised some strange and vague surprise, they are delighted beyond measure, and spend the time awaiting it with keen delight and expectation.
The surprise may consist of a huge Jack Horner pie, filled with pretty souvenirs. It may be a Brownie party, with cunning little Brownie hoods and capes previously prepared for the young visitors. It may be any one of a thousand gay, simple, childhood games that youngsters delight in. To offer a prize for the winner always arouses keen interest in the game.
RECEIVING THE YOUNG GUESTS
At children's parties, the hostess stands in the background cordially seconding the welcomes extended by her little son or daughter. When everyone has arrived, the young host or hostess leads the way into the dining-room and the dinner.
After the dinner there will be games until it is time to leave. The wise hostess will see that all fragile bric-à-brac and expensive furniture is well out of the way before the children come. And she will see that as soon as a game is becoming too boisterous, or too tiresome, another is suggested. There must be variety to the entertainment for children grow weary very quickly.
ABOUT THE BIRTHDAY PARTY
If the party is in honor of a child's birthday, an effort should be made to make it as festive as possible. The birthday flower, whatever it happens to be, should be given prominence. The table should have an attractive floral centerpiece, and must be as well-laid as the correctly formal dinner-table of the older folks.
It is customary for the guests to bring a gift for the child, but lately it has been forbidden by some parents. There is no reason to forbid it, however, as the custom is a pretty one and the gifts are usually trifling. And it is as amusing as it is pleasing to watch how proudly and importantly the young visitor bestows his gifts upon his comrade.
The birthday cake holds the place of honor on the table. Around the edge of it, in small tin holders, are ​candles—one for each year the child has thus far celebrated. One candle is blown out by each little guest, and with it goes a secret wish of happiness for the boy or girl whose birthday it is. Some parents do not wish to run the risk of accidents caused by burning candles. In this case, it is pretty to have the icing on cake represent the face of a clock, with the hour hand pointing to the hour which indicates the child's age. Very often when the slices of birthday cake are distributed, tiny gifts are presented with them.
WHEN THE YOUNG GUESTS LEAVE
A problem which the hostess of children's parties invariably meets, is how to get the children home safely. Undoubtedly, the parents of the young children should provide some means of having them escorted home safely after the party; the duty should not be allowed to devolve upon the hostess. If the children are older, of high-school age, the young boys may be trusted to escort the girls to their homes. When children are very young they have no idea when to leave. The hostess may say, "Let us have one more game before you start for home, children," and immediately proceed to explain what the game shall be, impressing it upon them that they are expected to leave for home as soon as it is over. Or she may suggest a final grand march which the youngsters will no doubt enter into wholeheartedly—and the march may lead into the room where their wraps are waiting.
There is nothing quite as beautiful and gratifying as a group of laughing, happy children; and the hostess who has attained this may indeed feel repaid for her trouble. Children are easy to please, too. Something ​absurd, something the least bit out of the ordinary, something queer or grotesque, is bound to win their immediate applause no matter how simple and inexpensive it may be. And strangely enough, the hostess who manages to bring the sunshine and merriment into the hearts of her young guests, feels young and childish herself for the time being—and the feeling is one of such utter delight and happiness that it is well worth the effort.
children's entertainments away from home
There are many delightful ways of entertaining children away from home, and out-of-door parties are especially wholesome. Motion picture parties for children that are old enough are very pleasing if the picture is a good one. This is a point that should be carefully attended to beforehand. It is no time to "take a chance." At the party out in the woods or down by the bank of the creek refreshments should consist of picnic fare. The motion picture party or the matinée party might be followed by ice-cream or by a simple dinner. But however many of these entertainments one may give one must remember that there is after all not a great deal of art in amusing people when the amusements are furnished by someone else, and also that the art of entertaining charmingly at home is perhaps the greatest art of them all.
CHILDREN AND DANCING
The dancing school teaches the youngster a great deal more than merely a few dancing steps. From no other source is it possible for the young boy or girl to acquire the grace, the poise, the charm of manner that the dancing school imparts.
​The writer knows a very lovely young miss of twelve years, who has so charming a manner that one delights to be with her. Yet, her parents confide, that two years ago she was so nervous and fidgety that they were ashamed to take her anywhere. They attribute her present grace and ease to her lessons at dancing school.
There is no reason why boys should not also be registered at the dancing school. A young man who, in childhood learned the little formalities of the dancing school, will not be so likely to feel ill at ease in the formal drawing-room, or at the elaborate dinner. He will know how to conduct himself without embarrassment or self-consciousness.
In training our children's manners and speech, we must not forget that their physical development is most important. Etiquette requires that the child know, not only how to act at the table, how to greet visitors and how to be well-behaved and mannerly, but also how to appear polite and polished. Dancing gives them just the right foundation for grace and courtesy of manner.
A WORD TO PARENTS
In your hands has been placed the destiny of a child, or of children, to be molded, developed and formed into a perfect being. Do not make the mistake that so many parents make—the mistake of thinking that the child is a miniature of yourself, a pocket edition of yourself as it were. You have certain tastes, habits, hopes and desires cultivated through years of experience and education. The child has a young mind to be expanded and developed, a young body to be molded into lines of grace and charm, a young life to be made fine and beautiful.
​It is not an easy task, this leading a child through the correct channels of early life. The young minds are so sensitive, the young memory is so retentive; evil influences are so easily made, and become so readily a part of the boy's or girl's life. Someone once said, "Motherhood is made up of denial." All parenthood is made up of denial—for from the time the youngster first opens its eyes in its cradle, the parents must deny themselves everything that is necessary to make that child a perfect man or woman.
They must give up much of their social duties to attend to the development of the child's mind. They must spend hours with the youngster in his or her play, so that there will be woven in with that play, a subtle teaching. They must deny themselves material and spiritual comforts so that those whose destiny is in their hands, will be correctly prepared to meet life.
There are several chapters to the book of childhood. It is the complete volume that counts—not just one page. Follow your child through all his chapters of childhood, enter into his play and study and ambitions. There are so many little incidents that remain in the memory and permanently change the behavior. It is one thing to be just a parent, quite another to be parent and friend. Let your child see that you are interested in all his activities, and your influence will have a great deal to do in the shaping of his future manners.
AMUSEMENTS
"Be as careful of the books you read as of the company you keep; for your habits and character will be as much influenced by the former as by the latter." This bit of ​wisdom from the pen of Paxton Hood reveals one great duty which confronts every parent. The child must have its own library, and one that will correctly develop its mind and manners. Even if it is only one shelf of books in the nursery, it should belong to the child itself. The pride of personal ownership increases the value of the books.
Books should be chosen with care, but there should be sufficient variety to enable the young boy or girl to select the subject that he or she is most interested in. Fiction should be of the better kind, Robinson Crusoe, Little Lord Fauntleroy, the Jungle Books, Grimm's or Anderson's Fairy Tales, "Alice in Wonderland," etc. Boys will like "Plain Tales from the Hills," "Bob, Son of Battle," "Treasure Island," "The Sea-Wolf," "Huckleberry Finn," "Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea," etc.
There should be special attention given to the classics. It is unfortunate that so much of the time devoted to them should be spent altogether in the schoolroom for books that one has to read are rarely the ones that one likes best. Dickens, Thackeray, Shakespeare, George Eliot, and a mighty host of others are waiting for the child who is old enough to understand them. The parent should watch the tendencies of the mind of his child and should keep him supplied with books that will develop and expand the little intellect in accordance with its natural preferences. The best way to teach a child to care for books is to keep him surrounded with them and to read to him or tell him stories from time to time and to be patient if he is slow in manifesting a desire to use the key that unlocks the treasure that lies between the covers of books.
Music is one of the best means of developing the child's ​emotional nature and of subduing wayward impulses and of bringing about harmony in the home circle. The writer knows of one family—and there are many others—which sometimes in the evening finds itself all at sixes and sevens. Nobody agrees with anybody else; the whole group is hopelessly tangled. The mother goes to the piano and begins playing a song that they all know. One by one the members of the family join in and it is not long before they are all gathered around the piano singing song after song and the petty disagreements and the unpleasant feeling of discord have vanished into thin air.
Much is to be said in favor of the gramophones. Through them the best music is accessible to almost everyone. But it is not wise to depend on them altogether, for children have talent to be developed, and there is a charm about music in the family that is like, to use a crude comparison—home-cooking. It cannot be duplicated elsewhere.
LET THE CHILD BE NATURAL
After all, the greatest charm of childhood is natural, spontaneous simplicity. Stilted, party-mannered children are bores. They are unnatural. And that which is not natural, cannot be well-bred.
The cause of shy, bashful, self-conscious youngsters is wrong training. They are repressed instead of developed. Their natural tendencies are held down by constant reminders and scoldings and warnings. Instead, they should be brought out by proper encouragement, by kind, sympathetic understanding. Some children have the idea, in their extreme youth, that parents are made only to forbid things, to repress them and make them do things against ​which their natures revolt. The bond that should exist between parent and child is a certain understanding friendliness—an implicit faith on the part of the child, and a wise guidance on the part of the parent.
Remember that a child is like a flower. If the flower is not permitted to struggle upward towards the sun, and to gather in the tiny dewdrops, it will wither and die. If the child is not allowed to develop naturally, its tastes and ideals will be warped and shallow.
Teach your child to be well-mannered and polite, but do not disguise him with unnatural manners and speech.
THE YOUNG GIRL
There are two kinds of young girls—those who face life as some great opportunity, who consider it a splendid gift to be made the most of, and who help to create the beauty that they love to admire; and those who are butterflies of society, whose lives are mere husks, without depth, without worth-while impulses and ambitions. They are satisfied if they know how to dance gracefully, if they know how to enter a room in an impressive manner, if they know how to be charming at the dinner table. Their conversation is idle chatter; their ambitions are to be "social queens," to earn social distinction and importance.
Fortunately, the twentieth century girl is less of a butterfly than the tight-laced, hoop-skirted young miss of the latter part of the nineteenth century. Perhaps the war had something to do with it. Perhaps it is because so many new occupations have been opened up to her. Perhaps it is evolution. But the young miss of to-day is certainly more thrilled with life and its ​possibilities than her sister of two or three decades ago ever was.
Life is no longer shown to the young daughter as a plaything by fond parents who plan no future except marriage and social success for the young woman whose future rests in their hands. To-day life is shown to her as it is shown to her brother—as something beautiful, something impressive, something worthy of deep thought and ambitious plans.
To-day the young girl is not only taught to dance gracefully, to enter a room correctly, and to conduct herself with ease and charm at the dinner table, but she is taught to develop her natural talents and abilities so that the world will be left a little better for her having lived in it. Her conduct, therefore, is tinged with a new dignity of purpose, a new desire to make the best of the gift of life. Instead of idle chatter her conversation assumes the proportion of intellectual discussions, and young men and women to-day discuss intelligently problems that would not have been mentioned in polite society a generation ago.
It is to help the young girl to prepare for the glorious future that awaits her that the following paragraphs are written,
THE GIrL's manner
There is nothing quite as charming in a young girl as repose of manner. A soft voice, a quiet, cultured manner is more to be admired than a pretty face, or an elaborate gown.
Let the young girl look to the ancient Greeks for inspiration. Here she will find the true conception of beauty—repose of manner and utter simplicity. She will find ​that to be perfect is to be natural, and that one must be simple and unostentatious to be beautiful in the true sense of the word. After all, what can be quite so lovely as beautiful manners? And what can be more worthy of admiration and respect than a sweet, well-mannered young girl?
Politeness and courtesy are two other important virtues that the young girl should develop. She should be as polite to her mother and sister as she is to strangers. She should be courteous and kind to everyone. And she should learn the art of listening as well as the art of conversation.
THE CHAPERON
American girls with their independent ideas of social requirements mock the idea of a chaperon to the theater or dance. And this is especially true of the many young women who are planning careers for themselves, who intend to be more than social butterflies.
We are proud of the ideal American girl. We do not mean, of course, the self-esteemed, arrogant young miss who derides all conventions and calls herself "free." In her we are not interested at all. But there is the true American type—the young girl who is essentially a lady, who has self-reliance but is not bold, who is firm without being overbearing, who is brainy but not masculine, who is courageous, strong and fearless, yet feminine. She has no need of the chaperon; and it is because of her that the "decay of the chaperon" has been so rapid in America.
And so we find that the American girl who is well-bred, who is well-mannered and high-principled, may attend the theater and the dance with gentlemen, unchaperoned. It ​is only when she travels abroad or stops at a hotel for any length of time that social requirements still command that she be chaperoned. But even then, the girl who travels on business purposes, need feel no embarrassment when she is alone, if her manner and speech are as polished and correct as they should be.
THE YOUNG COUNTRY MISS
In the small town or in the country, if a young girl goes to a party or other social meeting with a young man, he is, of course, expected to escort her home again. If the hour is early and the family will probably still be up, she may invite him in if she wishes to do so. But it is not an obligation. If it is late, she does not invite him into the house, but she may ask him to call. In some sections of the United States it is still considered correct for the young man himself to request that he be permitted to call.
A correspondent has written to inquire whether or not it is correct for a young girl to thank a young man for his escort just before leaving him at her own door. Evidently the young lady who has written has herself been in doubt as to whether or not it is correct. In this instance, circumstances alter cases. If she were a young country miss returning from an informal village function, she would by no means offer thanks. But if the young man has obviously put himself to an inconvenience to escort her home, then it is only polite that she offer him some expression of gratitude. A city girl does not thank her escort, but he, on the other hand, may thank her for a very pleasant afternoon or evening if he wishes to do so.
THE GIRL AND HER MOTHER
The young girl should follow her mother's example and advice in all things. Eighteen is the correct coming-out age for the young American girl, and until then she should obey her mother without question. She should be guided by her wider experience, by her more mature knowledge. But unfortunately this is not always so. Mothers and daughters are not the "pals" they ought to be.
Recently a woman was asked by a very close friend why she allowed her daughter to attend the theater and the dance with a young man who was of questionable character. "Surely you have some influence over her," the friend persisted. "Tell her to avoid him." But she simply smiled in a tired sort of way and said, "I am only her mother."
This should not be. The mother should guide her daughter in all she does, and the daughter should be willing to abide by her mother's decisions. Otherwise that sacred, beautiful friendship that can be created only between a mother and daughter will never exist.
FOR THE SHY AND SELF-CONSCIOUS
A great many of us suffer from self-consciousness. We always imagine that people are looking at us, talking about us, ridiculing us. We are never at ease among strangers, never happy when people are around. We are always embarrassed, shy, ill at ease.
There is a story told about the famous Hawthorne who was so shy and self-conscious that he ran out of the house ​or hid himself whenever he saw visitors approaching. His wife, who was also very timid and retiring by nature, was left to entertain the guests as best she could. Hawthorne was heartily ashamed of himself, but instead of trying to overcome his self-consciousness he sought and found forgetfulness in his books and writings. His wife, on the other hand, was forced to overcome her natural timidity for the sake of her husband and for the sake of the hospitality of the Hawthorne home. And because she determined to do it, she soon became entirely unself-conscious and able to conduct herself with ease and unconcern even among the most celebrated people.
And so you see that self-consciousness can be overcome. There is no reason for the bride to feel embarrassed and ill at ease when she is hostess for the first time in her new home. There is no reason for the young girl to feel shy and timid when she is introduced in society. There is no reason for the young man to be self-conscious in the presence of ladies. A little will power and a little sincere effort will banish this fault forever.
FORGET ABOUT YOURSELF
That is the only way you can hope to cure yourself of self-consciousness—forget about yourself! There are so many delightful things you can think of, so many interesting things beyond the selfish little boundaries of your own self. Send your thoughts abroad, send them into the universe to drink deeply of knowledge and learning, to delve into the wells of profound interest that surround us on every side—and forget about the petty commonplaces of life, the unimportant everyday conventionalities. Then you will forget about yourself also, ​and before you realize it you will be calm, dignified, unafraid. All suggestion of self-consciousness will have vanished.
WHY THE SHY ARE AWKWARD
When a bride leaves a small country place to become the hostess in a large house in a large city, she is very likely to feel ill at ease and conscious of herself. Naturally, this makes her awkward in her manners.
Shyness is over-sensitiveness—a shrinking from observation. It causes us to worry about what others are thinking about us, and naturally it makes us morbid. Thus we are kept from appearing at our best, and in all our manners and actions we appear awkward and nervous. It is very necessary to overcome this fault if one wishes to mingle with people of the best society.
Orison Swett Marden says, "If you are a victim of timidity and self-depreciation, afraid to say your soul is your own; if you creep about the world as though you thought you were taking up room which belonged to somebody else; if you are bashful, timid, confused, tongue-tied when you ought to assert yourself, say to yourself, 'I am a child of the King of Kings. I will no longer suffer this cowardly timidity to rule me. I am made by the same Creator who has made all other human beings. They are my brothers and sisters. There is no more reason why I should be afraid to express what I feel or think before them than if they were in my own family.'"
The great inspirational writer has shown you in this little paragraph the way to overcome your self-consciousness—the foolish timidity that is robbing you of your privilege of self-assertion, of your ease and grace of manner, of your very happiness. Whenever you feel ​embarrassed and ill at ease in the presence of strangers, think of the words of Marden. Remember that you are one of the children of the universe, that we are all brothers and sisters, and that you have as much right to assert yourself as any other man or woman in the world. And when you finally do overcome your timidity you will find that you have acquired a splendid new grace and charm of manner.
SELF-CONFIDENCE VERSUS CONCEIT
Do not have the mistaken idea that confidence in oneself, lack of self-consciousness, is conceit. As a matter of fact, it is much better to be shy and self-conscious than to be a pert, aggressive egotist.
The first lesson to learn, in your crusade against self-consciousness, is that you must not be ashamed of your shyness. That will make you even more conscious of yourself. Forget that you are shy. Or if you cannot forget, tell yourself that it is better to be reserved and modest than to be conceited and aggressive. Do not shrink from strangers, but meet them and talk to them as though they were your brothers, or sisters. Treat everyone like an equal, but do not treat yourself as an inferior.
Self-confidence is what makes success, whether it is in the social world or the business world. It was self-confidence that helped Edison with each new invention. It was self-confidence that enabled Madame Marie Curie, penniless and obscure, to discover radium, the greatest and most wonderful metal in the world. All achievement is founded on self-confidence—not of the aggressive sort, but of the quiet, calm, unassuming sort that is so easy to develop if one will only try.
​Determine that you will no longer allow timidity and shyness to rule you. Assert yourself! And watch how your manners improve.
COUNTRY HOSPITALITY
The country hostess must not feel that she is expected to entertain her guests in city fashion. There is a great deal of difference between the facilities and conditions of country and city life, and social activities are consequently different in both localities.
In the country there is much less mingling with strangers than there is in the city. Social entertainments are confined very largely to the home fireside. There are few clubs, few large halls and auditoriums. A feeling of intimacy and good-fellowship exists which is entirely lacking in large cities. Almost everybody knows everybody else, and when a large entertainment is given, the whole village knows about it.
To attempt to emulate her city sister would be folly for the country hostess. She hasn't the facilities nor the natural conditions conducive to the elaborate and strictly formal entertainments and activities of the city. In the country everything should be on a simpler, more informal basis; the natural beauties of the country are certainly not compatible with the fashionable and often ostentatious activities of the city.
IMPORTANCE OF SIMPLICITY
We go to the country because we are tired of the town and we want rest, quiet, peace. We do not expect to find a frenzied attempt at imitation of city entertainments. ​Yet this is what so many hostesses do—instead of retaining the delightful natural simplicity of their homes, they feel that they must entertain their city friends in city fashion. And invariably they fail.
Very often when a city man or woman is tired of the sham and narrow conventionalities of city life, he or she will plan to visit a country friend. If that country friend is wise, he or she will make no elaborate preparations, but just greet the friend with the simple country hospitality that is so alluring to city people. Where in the city can you find the good-fellowship, the spontaneity, the courteous kindliness that you find in the small town and village? Where in the city can you find the open-hearted generosity, the sympathetic understanding and the simple courtesy that you find among country people? The elaborate ball room with its richly gowned women is charming and impressive; but the simple country party with its Virginia reel, the daughters in their party clothes and mothers in their "best black silks" are no less charming.
For the sake of those young men and women who live in the country and know liveried chauffeurs and uniformed butlers only through books, for the sake of those men and women who live in the country because they love simplicity and the beauties of nature, but for those who are eager to know good manners and know what is correct at all times, we are writing the following paragraphs on etiquette in the small town. Let us first write about
THE HOSTESS
When entertaining guests from the city, fresh flowers should be brought into the house every day. The meal served should be simple; elaborate course dinners are not ​in good form when the facilities of the hostess do not permit them. Nothing ostentatious should be attempted; just simple, homelike hospitality such as is offered the neighbors and friends of the village.
Early dining is usual in the country, especially in the summer. Sometimes high tea is served. The tea-urn is placed on the table before the hostess to give a homelike air to the function, and fruits and flowers are placed in cut glass bowls on the table. Preserves, honey and cakes should also be on the table in cut glass or china dishes. Hot biscuits, muffins and wafers are usually served at high tea, with one substantial dish like cold chicken, salad or cold sliced meats.
Hammocks, tennis courts, rowboats, etc., should be placed at the disposal of visiting guests. The considerate hostess always plans some sort of entertainment for guests that have come a long way to visit her, but she does not make any attempt to provide anything elaborate. A simple country dance or a musicale is relaxing and entertaining.
Protection from flies, mosquitoes, etc. should be provided for guests. If chairs and hammocks are on the porch, it should be completely screened in to prevent mosquitoes from annoying the guests. It is just such little considerations as these that make country hospitality so delightful.
THE GUEST
Whether you are a guest from the city, or a friend from the village, you have a certain definite etiquette to observe when you are at the home of a country hostess. First you must make yourself agreeable and helpful. If you are ​from the city, forget the restricting formalities you have been accustomed to. You may speak to everyone in the hostess' drawing-room—or parlor—even though there have been no introductions. And if you see an elderly man or woman standing all alone in one corner of the room, you can go over to him or her, start a conversation, and offer to get a chair or an ice for the stranger. It is not necessary to wait for an introduction.
Do not be dull during the afternoon or evening. Be pleasant and agreeable; if conversation lags, stimulate it with an interesting anecdote. If you can entertain in some way, either by singing, playing some musical instrument, or reciting, don't be backward about offering your services. Remember you are not in an elaborate ball room but among simple country folks, and if you can provide enjoyable entertainment for them, they will appreciate it just as much as you yourself will enjoy it.
An offish person always spoils the fun of a country party. If you feel that you are superior to the Virginia reel and the apple paring contests, do not attend. Move to the city where you can attend elaborate social functions. But while you are at the party, do your best to add to the general enjoyment, and do not spoil things by being disagreeable and unpleasant.
It is poor taste to wear very fashionable city clothes to a simple country entertainment. If you come from the city, wear something simple and pretty, but not something that will make you conspicuous. If you are a man and you know that none of the other men will wear full dress, then don't be presumptuous enough to appear in your swallow-tail. But if you are a village friend, you may wear your "Sunday best" for undoubtedly everyone else who attends the party will do likewise.
FOR COUNTRY FOLKS
Never attempt to make false impressions. That is one great fault found among certain country people. When city friends call, they attempt to overawe them with their superiority. While the city friends are with them, they do not notice their village friends at church, nor do they invite them to their house. They devote themselves exclusively to their friends from the city—and invariably those friends return home disappointed and disillusioned.
When people move in the neighborhood, it is considered polite to pay them the first visit—"to extend the hand of welcome," as the expression is. The hostess should offer a cup of tea with crackers or cake, and she should make herself agreeable in every way. However, the acquaintance should not be forced; if the new-comers are haughty and aloof, it is well to leave them to themselves, until they have absorbed some of the good-fellowship and courtesy of the village.
There is very little need for formal calling cards in the small village where everybody knows everybody else. A great many of the conventionalities of city life are, of course, found in the country; but a great many more of them are lacking. And among them are the strictly formal introductions, calls and social functions that are observed with such punctiliousness in the city. Simplicity should be the keynote of country life, and quiet, dignified manners should be the ideal of country people.
THE ENDLESS BOUND OF HOSPITALITY
Hospitality does not mean the giving of sumptuous banquets or elaborate dinners. It does not mean the ex​travagant recklessness of much-talked-about house parties, or extended yachting trips. It does not mean the holding of gay and festive balls.
No, it means none of these, for even in the most humble home one can find the truest hospitality. There need be no rich display, no obvious effort at ostentation. For hospitality is that open-hearted, open-handed, generous, lovable; beautiful fellow-feeling for fellow-mortals—the kind of feeling that makes you throw open your home, small apartment or mighty mansion, as the case may be, and bid your friends and acquaintances welcome. Welcome, mind you, that has in its greeting none of the sham cordiality, that wealthy people sometimes parade merely for the sake of being able to show their worldly goods to the envious eyes of their guests,—but a whole-souled and whole-hearted welcome that is willing to share everything one has.
And so, the round of hospitality goes endlessly on, host and hostess making the pleasure and comfort of the guest their prime consideration. Parties, receptions, dances, balls, dinners—all are instances of the eagerness of the world, the social world, to entertain, to give pleasure, to amuse. And the guests, in their turn, repay the hospitalities with other hospitalities of their own. And we find, in this glorious twentieth century it is our fortune to be living in, a wholesome, generous hospitality that puts to shame the history-famed achievements of kings and princes of yore.
WHEN TO INVITE
The question naturally arises, what are the occasions that require hospitality? Frankly, there are no definite occasions. Hospitality is the index to breeding and cul​ture at all times. But there are certain ceremonious occasions that warrant the invited hospitality—and such are the occasions that we will study in this chapter.
First, we find the wedding anniversary claiming the ceremony of many invited guests and much festive entertainment. Thus, wedding anniversaries offer an excellent opportunity for hospitality. Then there is the occasion of the young daughter's introduction to society—an event which is important, indeed, and requires the utmost hospitality on the part of host and hostess alike. When one's son graduates from college, a little dinner party and perhaps some musical entertainment afterward is an appropriate time to show by one's hospitality, sincere gratitude for the splendid educational opportunities afforded the youth of America. Oh, there are countless opportunities, countless "excuses," if you will call it that, countless occasions when hospitality can be shown to one's friends and acquaintances! And it is only by taking advantage of these opportunities, by revealing one's unselfish, ungrudging hospitality, that one rightly earns the name of cultured.
The hostess who sighs in relief when the guest has departed is not truly hospitable. She should have a certain sense of satisfaction in the knowledge of her very weariness. For hasn't she served her guests well? Hasn't she sent them to their homes a little happier than when they first came? The sigh should be one of sheer joy.
No one invites guests to his or her home to make them unhappy. Therefore, if among your friends you number one whose worldly goods are very much less than your own, do not invite him or her to a fashionable ball where rich display will make him feel sadly out of place. Rather save the invitation for a quiet, afternoon tea. And on the ​other hand, if you are unable to care for the wants and comforts of several guests, do not invite them to house parties.
Be hospitable—but above all use good sense and good judgment before you invite.
THE GUESTS AND THEIR DUTIES
The fact that America is the home of hospitality and land of the most generous hostesses, does not indicate necessarily that the guest, in his selfishness, should take advantage of it. A well-bred, considerate person always seeks to minimize as far as possible the efforts of his or her hostess, and to make the visit or stay pleasant. She, or he, constantly endeavors to aid the hostess in providing entertainment. In short, he returns the hospitality of the host and hostess, with a hospitality of his own—a hospitality that, in its consideration and regard for the rights of others, is one of the beautiful things that makes life worth the living.
It is superb—this giving and returning of hospitality: We find a worried, anxious business man, forgetting for the moment his pressing affairs in the diverting entertainments provided for him by his hostess; in return, exerting every effort to contribute to the success of the evening, to join in the conversation when he would rather be silent and pensive, to be witty and humorous when he would much prefer being moody and despondent. And so it goes on, a constant giving and returning of hospitality, so beautiful and so inspiring that it is worthy of the stress given to it in the social world.
There are some paramount obligations which the guest must observe. Among them, perhaps most exacting, is punctuality. To keep others waiting, to be continually ​tardy, is to demonstrate one's rudeness and want of good breeding. Promptness in regard to the answering of invitations, punctuality in attending dinners, luncheons and parties of any kind,—these are marks of good breeding.
If one is invited to a dance or party and does not wish to attend without an out-of-town friend who happens to be stopping with him or her at the time—a friend who certainly cannot be deserted on the afternoon or evening of the occasion—it is permissible to write a cordial note to the hostess explaining the situation and requesting that an invitation be extended to the friend. However, no resentment should be felt if the hostess finds she must refuse the request; for she may have had to refuse some of her own friends on account of conditions beyond her control.
But no guest may bring to a party, dance or dinner, a friend or acquaintance who has not been invited. This is considered a breach of etiquette, and the hostess is not inhospitable when she does not invite that particular guest again.
The guest must conform in all things to the tastes and customs of his host and hostess. He must find (or feign) enjoyment in everything that is proposed by them, everything that is offered by them in the way of entertainment.
In taking leave of the hostess it is necessary to thank her cordially. Criticisms, either of the conduct of some other guest, or of servants, are poor form and should be avoided. The ideal guest is the one who has that ease and poise of manner, that calmness and kindness of temper, that loving and lovable disposition that makes people somehow want to talk to and be with him. Such a guest needs no set of rules—inherently he knows the laws of good conduct and fine manners; he is the boon of hosts and hostesses the world over.
EXECUTIVES OF STATE
| Title | Addressing Envelope | Salutation Formal | Salutation Informal | Closing Formal | Closing Informal |
| President of United States | President Warren Gamaliel Harding | Sir | My dear Mr. President | I have the honor to remain your most obedient servant | I have the honor to remain most respectfully (sincerely) yours |
| Vice-President | The Vice-President Thomas F. Blank | Sir or Dear Sir | My dear Mr. Blank | I have, sir, the honor to remain your obedient servant | I have the honor to remain most respectfully (sincerely) yours |
| Cabinet Member | Hon. or Honorable James Doe, Secretary of Interior, etc. | Sir or Dear Sir | My dear Mr. Doe | I have, sir, the honor to remain your obedient servant | I have the honor to remain most respectfully (sincerely) yours |
| Senator | Senator Thomas F. Gilt or Honorable Thomas F. Gilt | Sir or Dear Sir | My dear Senator Gilt | I have, sir, the honor to remain your obedient servant | Believe me, most sincerely yours |
| Member of House of Representatives | Honorable James P. Turner | Sir or Dear Sir | My dear Mr. Turner | I have, sir, the honor to remain your obedient servant | Believe me, most sincerely yours |
| Justice of Supreme Court | Mr. Justice M. Greene, orThe Hon. M. Greene, Justice of Supreme Court | Sir or Dear Sir | Dear Justice Greene | I have, sir, the honor to remain your obedient servant | Believe me, most sincerely yours |
| Governor of State | Governor John F. McCall | Sir or Dear Sir | Dear Governor McCall, orDear Mr. McCall | I have, sir, the honor to remain your obedient servant | Believe me, most sincerely yours |
| Mayor of City | His Honor the Mayor of New York, Henry F. Ducault | Sir or Dear Sir | My dear Mayor Ducault | I have, sir, the honor to remain your obedient servant | Believe me, most sincerely yours |
CHURCH DIGNITARIES
| Title | Addressing Envelope | Salutation Formal | Salutation Informal | Closing Formal | Closing Informal |
| Archbishop Anglican Church | The Most Reverend, His Grace the Archbishop of York | My Lord Archbishop, May it please Your Grace | My dear Lord Archbishop | I remain, my Lord Archbishop, your Grace’s most obedient servant | I have honor to remain, my dear Archbishop |
| Anglican Bishop | To the Right Reverend, the Lord Bishop of Kent | My Lord | My dear Lord Bishop | I have honor to remain your Lordship’s obedient servant | I have honor to remain, by dear Lord Bishop, faithfully yours |
| Roman Catholic Archbishop | The Most Reverend John G. McCaular, Archbishop of Newgate | Most Reverend and dear Sir | Most Reverend and dear Sir | I have the honor to remain your humble servant | I have the honor to remain your humble servant |
| Cardinal | His Eminence, Cardinal Newton | Your Eminence | Your EminenceorDear Cardinal Newton | I have the honor to remain your humble servant | I have the honor to remain your humble servant |
| Roman Catholic Bishop | To the Right Reverend Joseph F. White, Bishop of Massachusetts | Right Reverend and dear Sir | My dear Bishop White | I have the honor to remain your humble servant | I have the honor to remain your humble servant |
| Protestant Bishop | Right Reverend Edward F. Conroy, Bishop of New Jersey | Right Reverend and dear Sir | Dear Bishop Conroy | I have the honor to remain your humble servant, orI remain respectfully (sincerely) yours | I have the honor to remain your humble servant, orI remain respectfully (sincerely) yours ​ |
| Roman Catholic Priest or Protestant Minister | The Reverend James G. Hill (with D.D.) or Reverend Doctor Hill | Reverend and dear Sir | Dear Father Hill (to Catholic)Dear Doctor or Mr. Hill (to Protestant) | I beg to remain, Yours sincerely | |
| Rabbi | Dr. F. G. Krauss | Dear Sir | Dear Dr. Krauss | I beg to remain, Yours sincerely | |
ROYALTY
| Title | Addressing Envelope | Salutation Formal | Salutation Informal | Closing Formal | Closing Informal |
| King or Queen | To His (Her) Most Gracious Majesty King George (Queen Mary) | Sir (or Madam), May it please your Majesty | Dear (or Honored) Sir (or Madam) | I have the honor to remain your Majesty’s most obedient servant | |
| Royal Prince or Princess | To His (Her) Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales (or Princess Mary) | Sir (Madam), May it please you Highness | Dear Sir, Dear Madam | I have the honor to remain your Royal Highness’ humble servant | Your Royal Highness’ most obedient servant |
| Duke and Duchess | To His (Her) Grace, the Duke of Devonshire (or Duchess of Devonshire) | My Lord (Madam), My it please you Grace | By dear Duke, My dear Duchess | I have the honor to remain your Grace’s most obedient servant | Believe me, dear Duke (Duchess), yours very sincerely |
| Dowager Duchess | To Her Grace, the Dowager Duchess of Devonshire, orTo Her Grace, Anne, Duchess of Devonshire | Madam, May it please your Grace | My dear Duchess | I have the honor to remain your Grace’s most obedient servant | Believe me, dear Duchess, yours very sincerely ​ |
| Marquis Marchioness | To the Marquis of Fife, to the Marchioness of FifeorTo the Most Noble Marquis of fife,To the Most Noble Marchioness of Fife | My lord MarquisMadam | My dear Lord FifeDear Lady Fife | Believe me, Lord (Lady) Fife, very sincerely yours | Believe me Lord (Lady) Fife, very sincerely yours |
| Dowager Marchioness | To the Dowager, Marchioness of Fife,To Mary, Marchioness of Fife | Madam | Dear Lady Fife | Believe me, Lady Fife, very sincerely yours | Believe me, Lady Fife, very sincerely yours |
| Younger son and wife of a Duke or Marquis | To the Right Honorable, the Lord James Grey,To the Right Honorable, the Lady James Grey | My Lord | My dear Lord James Grey,Dear Lady James Grey | I have the honor to remain your Lordship’s (Ladyship’s) obedient servant | Believe me, My dear Lord (Lady) Grey, faithfully yours |
| Daughter of Duke, Marchioness or Earl | Right Hon. the Lady Janet Gregory (informal)To the Lady Janet Gregory | Madam | Dear Lady Janet | I have the honor to remain your Lordship’s (Ladyship’s) obedient servant | Believe me, dear Lady Janet, very faithfully yours ​ |
| Earl Countess | Right Honorable the Earl of Kent Countess of Kent | My Lord (Madam) | Dear Lord KentDear Lady Kent | Believe me, my dear Lord (Lady) Kent, sincerely yours | Believe me, my dear Lord (Lady) Kent, sincerely yours |
| Viscount (Viscountess) | Right Honorable Viscount (Viscountess) Grey orTo Viscount GreyTo Viscountess Grey | My Lord (Madam) | Dear Lord (Lady) | Believe me, my dear Lord (Lady) Kent, sincerely yours | Believe me, my dear Lord (Lady) Kent, sincerely yours |
| Baron Baroness | Right Honorable the Baron Whiteside,The Right Honorable the Baroness Whiteside | My Lord (Madam) | Dear Lord (Lady) | Believe me, my dear Lord (Lady) Kent, sincerely yours | Believe me, my dear Lord (Lady) Kent, sincerely yours |
| Younger son and Wife of Earl, Viscount or Baron | To the Honorable James Warwick, To the Honorable Mrs. Warwick | Sir, Dear Sir (Madam, Dear Madam) | Dear Mr. WarwickDear Mrs. Warwick | I have the honor to remain your obedient servant | Believe me, dear Mr. or Mrs. Warwick, sincerely yours |
| Daughter of Viscount or Baron | To the Honorable Miss Grey | Dear Madam | Dear Miss Grey | Believe me, sincerely yours | Believe me, sincerely yours |
| Baronet Lady | To Sir James Grey, Bart.To Lady Grey | SirMadam | Dear Sir JamesDear Lady Grey | Believe me, dear Sir James, faithfully yoursBelieve me, dear Lady Grey, faithfully yours | Believe me, dear Sir James, faithfully yoursBelieve me, dear Lady Grey, faithfully yours |
| Knight Lady | Sir James Grey, Lady James Grey | SirMadam | Dear Sir JamesDear Lady Grey | Believe me, dear Sir James, faithfully yoursBelieve me, dear Lady Grey, faithfully yours | Believe me, dear Sir James, faithfully yoursBelieve me, dear Lady Grey, faithfully yours |