# The Troubadour; Catalogue of Pictures, and Historical Sketches/Lord Amirald

see Notes to The Troubadour
LORD AMIRALD'S HISTORY.
I loved her! ay, I would have given  A death-bed certainty of heaven  If I had thought it could confer  The least of happiness on her!  How proudly did I wait the hour  When hid no more in lowly bower,  She should shine, loveliest of all,  The lady of my heart and hall;—
And soon I deem'd the time would be,  For many a chief stood leagued with me.
 It was one evening we had sate  In my tower's secret council late,  Our bands were number'd, and we said  That the pale moon's declining head  Should shed her next full light o'er bands  With banners raised, and sheathless brands.  We parted; I to seek the shade  Where my heart's choicest gem was laid;  I flung me on my fleetest steed,  I urged it to its utmost speed,—  On I went, like the hurrying wind,  Hill, dale, and plain were left behind,  And yet I thought my courser slow—  Even when the forest lay below.
As my wont, in a secret nook  I left my horse,—I may not tell  With what delight my way I took  Till I had reach'd the oak-hid dell.  The trees which hitherto had made  A more than night, with lighten'd shade  Now let the stars and sky shine through,  Rejoicing, calm, and bright, and blue.
 There did not move a leaf that night  That I cannot remember now,  Nor yet a single star whose light  Was on the royal midnight's brow:  Wander'd no cloud, sigh'd not a flower,  That is not present at this hour.  No marvel memory thus should press  Round its last light of happiness!
I paused one moment where I stood,  In all a very miser's mood,  As if that thinking of its store  Could make my bosom's treasure more.  I saw the guiding lamp which shone  From the wreath'd lattice, pale and lone;  Another moment I was there,  To pause, and look—upon despair.
 I saw her!—on the ground she lay,  The life blood ebbing fast away;  But almost as she could not die  Without my hand to close her eye!  When to my bosom press'd, she raised  Her heavy lids, and feebly gazed,
 And her lip moved: I caught its breath,  Its last, it was the gasp of death!
I leant her head upon my breast,  As I but soothed her into rest;—  I do not know what time might be  Past in this stony misery,  When I was waken'd from my dream  By my forgotten infant's scream.  Then first I thought upon my child.  I took it from its bed, it smiled,  And its red cheek was flush'd with sleep:  Why had it not the sense to weep?  I laid its mother on the bed,  O'er her pale brow a mantle spread,  And left the wood. Calm, stern, and cold,  The tale of blood and death I told;  Gave my child to my brother's care  As his, not mine were this despair.
I flung me on my steed again,  I urged him with the spur and rein,—  I left him at the usual tree,  But left him there at liberty.
 With madd'ning step I sought the place,  I raised the mantle from her face,  And knelt me down beside, to gaze  On all the mockery death displays,  Until it seem'd but sleep to me.  Death,—oh, no! death it could not be.
 The cold grey light the dawn had shed,  Changed gradual into melting red;  I watch'd the morning colour streak  With crimson dye her marble cheek;
The freshness of the stirring air  Lifted her curls of raven hair;  Her head lay pillow'd on her arm,  Sweetly, as if with life yet warm;—  I kiss'd her lips: oh, God, the chill!  My heart is frozen with it still:—  It was as suddenly on me  Open'd my depths of misery.  I flung me on the ground, and raved,  And of the wind that past me craved  One breath of poison, till my blood  From lip and brow gush'd in one flood.  I watch'd the warm stream of my veins  Mix with the death wounds clotted stains;  Oh! how I pray'd that I might pour  My heart's tide, and her life restore!
And night came on:—with what dim fear  I mark'd the darkling hours appear,—  I could not gaze on the dear brow,  And seeing was all left me now.  I grasp'd the cold hand in mine own,  Till both alike seem'd turn'd to stone.  Night, morn, and noontide pass'd away,  Then came the tokens of decay.
 'Twas the third night that I had kept  My watch, and, like a child, had wept  Sorrow to sleep, and in my dream  I saw her as she once could seem,  Fair as an angel: there she bent  As if sprung from the element,  The bright clear fountain, whose pure wave  Her soft and shadowy image gave.
Methought that conscious beauty threw  Upon her cheek its own sweet hue,  Its loveliness of morning red;  I woke, and gazed upon the dead.  I mark'd the fearful stains which now  Were dark'ning o'er the once white brow,  The livid colours that declare  The soul no longer dwelleth there.  The gaze of even my fond eye,  Seem'd almost like impiety,  As it were sin for looks to be  On what the earth alone should see.  I thought upon the loathsome doom  Of the grave's cold, corrupted gloom;—  Oh, never shall the vile worm rest  A lover on thy lip and breast!
Oh, never shall a careless tread  Soil with its step thy sacred bed!  Never shall leaf or blossom bloom  With vainest mockery o'er thy tomb!
 And forth I went, and raised a shrine  Of the dried branches of the pine,—  I laid her there, and o'er her flung  The wild flowers that around her sprung;  I tore them up, and root and all,  I bade them wait her funeral,  With a strange joy that each fair thing  Should, like herself, be withering.  I lit the pyre,—the evening skies  Rain'd tears upon the sacrifice;  How did its wild and awful light  Struggle with the fierce winds of night;
Red was the battle, but in vain  Hiss'd the hot embers with the rain.  It wasted to a single spark;  That faded, and all round was dark:  Then, like a madman who has burst  The chain which made him doubly curst,  I fled away. I may not tell  The agony that on me fell:—  I fled away, for fiends were near,  My brain was fire, my heart was fear!
 I was borne on an eagle's wing,  Till with the noon-sun perishing;  Then I stood in a world alone,  From which all other life was gone,  Whence warmth, and breath, and light were fled,  A world o'er which a curse was said:
The trees stood leafless all, and bare,  The sky spread, but no sun was there:  Night came, no stars were on her way,  Morn came without a look of day,—  As night and day shared one pale shroud,  Without a colour or a cloud.  And there were rivers, but they stood  Without a murmur on the flood,  Waveless and dark, their task was o'er,—  The sea lay silent on the shore,  Without a sign upon its breast  Save of interminable rest:  And there were palaces and halls,  But silence reign'd amid their walls,  Though crowds yet fill'd them; for no sound  Rose from the thousands gather'd round;
All wore the same white, bloodless hue,  All the same eyes of glassy blue,  Meaningless, cold, corpse-like as those  No gentle hand was near to close.  And all seem'd, as they look'd on me,  In wonder that I yet could be  A moving shape of warmth and breath  Alone amid a world of death.
 'Tis strange how much I still retain  Of these wild tortures of my brain,  Though now they but to memory seem  A curse, a madness, and a dream;  But well I can recall the hour  When first the fever lost its power;  As one whom heavy opiates steep,  Rather in feverish trance than sleep,
I waken'd scarce to consciousness,—  Memory had fainted with excess:  I only saw that I was laid  Beneath an olive tree's green shade;  I knew I was where flowers grew fair,  I felt their balm upon the air,  I drank it as it had been wine;  I saw a gift of red sunshine  Glittering upon a fountain's brim;  I heard the small birds' vesper hymn,  As they a vigil o'er me kept,—  I heard their music, and I wept.  I felt a friendly arm upraise  My head, a kind look on me gaze!
 Raymond, it has been mine to see  The godlike heads which Italy
Has given to prophet and to saint,  All of least earthly art could paint!  But never saw I such a brow  As that which gazed upon me now;—  It was an aged man, his hair  Was white with time, perhaps with care;  For over his pale face were wrought  The characters of painful thought;  But on that lip and in that eye  Were patience, peace, and piety,  The hope which was not of this earth,  The peace which has in pangs its birth,  As if in its last stage the mind,  Like silver seven times refined  In life's red furnace, all its clay,  All its dross purified away,
Paused yet a little while below,  Its beauty and its power to show.  As if the tumult of this life,  Its sorrow, vanity, and strife,  Had been but as the lightning's shock  Shedding rich ore upon the rock,  Though in the trial scorch'd and riven,  The gold it wins is gold from heaven.  He watch'd, he soothed me day to day,  How kindly words may never say:  All angel ministering could be  That old man's succour was to me;  I dwelt with him; for all in vain  He urged me to return again  And mix with life:—and months past on  Without a trace to mark them gone;
I had one only wish, to be  Left to my grief's monotony.  There is a calm which is not peace,  Like that when ocean's tempests cease,  When worn out with the storm, the sea  Sleeps in her dark tranquillity,  As dreading that the lightest stir  Would bring again the winds on her.  I felt as if I could not brook  A sound, a breath, a voice, a look,  As I fear'd they would bring again  Madness upon my heart and brain.  It was a haunting curse to me,  The simoom of insanity.  The links of life's enchanted chain,  Its hope, its pleasure, fear or pain,
Connected but with what had been,  Clung not to any future scene.  There is an indolence in grief  Which will not even seek relief:  I sat me down, like one who knows  The poison tree above him grows,  Yet moves not; my life-task was done  With that hour which left me alone.
 It was one glad and glorious noon,  Fill'd with the golden airs of June,  When leaf and flower look to the sun  As if his light and life were one,—  A day of those diviner days  When breath seems only given for praise  Beneath a stately tree which shed  A cool green shadow over-head;
I listen'd to that old man's words  Till my heart's pulses were as chords  Of a lute waked at the command  Of some thrice powerful master's hand.  He paused: I saw his face was bright  With even more than morning's light,  As his cheek felt the spirit's glow;  A glory sate upon his brow,  His eye flash'd as to it were given  A vision of his coming heaven.  I turn'd away in awe and fear,  My spirit was not of his sphere;  Ill might an earthly care intrude  Upon such high and holy mood:  I felt the same as I had done  Had angel face upon me shone,
When sudden, as sent from on high,  Music came slowly sweeping by.  It was not harp, it was not song,  Nor aught that might to earth belong!  The birds sang not, the leaves were still,  Silence was sleeping on the rill;  But with a deep and solemn sound  The viewless music swept around.  Oh never yet was such a tone  To hand or lip of mortal known!  It was as if a hymn were sent  From heaven's starry instrument,  In joy, such joy as seraphs feel  For some pure soul's immortal weal,  When that its human task is done,  Earth's trials past, and heaven won.
I felt, before I fear'd, my dread,  I turn'd and saw the old man dead!  Without a struggle or a sigh,  And is it thus the righteous die?  There he lay in the sun, calm, pale,  As if life had been like a tale  Which, whatsoe'er its sorrows past,  Breaks off in hope and peace at last.
 I stretch'd him by the olive tree,  Where his death, there his grave should be;  The place was a thrice hallowed spot,  There had he drawn his golden lot  Of immortality; 'twas blest,  A green and holy place of rest.
But ill my burthen'd heart could bear  Its after loneliness of care;  The calmness round seem'd but to be  A mockery of grief and me,—  The azure flowers, the sunlit sky,  The rill, with its still melody,  The leaves, the birds,—with my despair,  The light and freshness had no share:  The one unbidden of them all  To join in summer's festival.
 I wander'd first to many a shrine  By zeal or ages made divine;  And then I visited each place  Where valour's deeds had left a trace;  Or sought the spots renown'd no less  For nature's lasting loveliness.
In vain that all things changed around,  No change in my own heart was found.  In sad or gay, in dark or fair,  My spirit found a likeness there.
 At last my bosom yearn'd to see  My Eva's blooming infancy;  I saw, myself unseen the while,  Oh, God! it was her mother's smile!  Wherefore, oh, wherefore had they flung  The veil just as her mother's hung!—  Another look I dared not take,  Another look my heart would break!  I rush'd away to the lime grove  Where first I told my tale of love;  And leaves and flowers breathed of spring  As in our first sweet wandering.
I look'd towards the clear blue sky,  I saw the gem-like stream run by;  How did I wish that, like these, fate  Had made the heart inanimate.  Oh! why should spring for others be,  When there can come no spring to thee.
 Again, again, I rush'd away;  Madness was on an instant's stay!  And since that moment, near and far,  In rest, in toil, in peace, in war,  I've wander'd on without an aim  In all, save lapse of years the same.  Where was the star to rise and shine  Upon a night so dark as mine?—  My life was as a frozen stream,  Which shares but feels not the sun-beam,
All careless where its course may tend,  So that it leads but to an end.  I fear my fate too much to crave  More than it must bestow—the grave.