# The Scots Piper's Queries, or, John Falkirk's Cariches (1800)/The Comical and Witty Jokes of John Falkirk the Merry Piper

The Comical and Witty Jokes of JOHN FALKIRK the MERRY PIPER.
An old gentleman and his two sons, being next to him, spoke a word which highly displeased his father: for which his father gave him a hearty blow on the side of the head; a well, said he, I will not lift my ​hand to strike my parents, but he gives his other brother that sat by him, a blow on the ear, saying, give that about by the way of a drink, till it comes to my father again.
A sailor being travelling between Edinburgh and Linlithgow, which is twelve long computed miles, and as he was setting out in the morning about eight o'clock, he saw a vain-like young spark go running past him, which he never minded, but kept jogging on at his own leisure: and as he was going into Linlithgow, about twelve o'clock, up comes the young spark, and asked the sailor what o'clock it was, why says the sailor, I see you have a watch and I have none, what is it? out he pulls his watch, ho! said he, it's directly twelve, and what do you think, it was half an hour after ten or I came out of Edinburgh, I have walked it in an hour and an half; it is pretty well tript, says the sailor, but pray sir, what man of business are you? O! said he, I am a watch-maker, I was thinking so, said the sailor, for you have made your watch to answer your feet, for these feet cannot answer a right watch, and I suppose your tongue can't keep time with either of them, do you remember where you went past me this morning about eight o'clock? O yes, said he, and off he went.
A certain old reverend priest, being one night at supper in a gentleman's house; and for one article having eggs, the server of the table, as usual laid a cloth on every one's ​knee, wherewith to hold their egg in when hot, when supper was over; the priest looked down between his legs, and seeing the white cloth, thought it was his own shirt tail; and very slyly staps it into his breeches, bit and bit, which the lady and her maid observed, but was ashamed to challenge him, so home he went with the servet in his breeches, and knew nothing of it till going to bed, when it fell from him: his wife enquired how he came by it, he could not tell, but was surprised how he came to have more bulk in his breeches than formerly, but perceiving the name they sent it back again, the priest pleaded to be excused, owned himself only a thief through ignorance.
As two maids were coming from the milking of their cows, one of them stepping over a stile, fell and spilled the whole pail-full of milk from her head. O said she, what will I do, what will I do, O said the other maid, let it go, who can help it now, you can't make it up again, it is not your maiden-head: my maiden-head, said she, if it were my maiden-head, I would think nothing of it, many many a time, I have lost my maiden-head with great pleasure and I got it ay again, it came back ay to its ain place again, but I'll never gather up my milk again.
A great drover who frequented a public inn in the north of England as he passed and repassed, agreed with the servant maid of ​⟨the⟩ house, for a touch of love, for which he gave her a six and thirty-shilling piece: On ⟨the⟩ next morning he mounted his horse, without asking a bill, or what was to pay; but sir, said the landlord, you forgot to pay your reckoning: well minded, sir, said he, ⟨I⟩ want my change. I gave your maid a six and thirty to change, the poor maid is called on in all haste, yes said she I got it, but ⟨it⟩ was not for that, throws it down and off she goes: her mistress understood, and gave her the challenge, she told her it was so, but she should be up with him; so in twelve months thereafter, he came past with his drove, puts up at the same inn as formerly; then the girl goes to a neighbour woman, who had a young child about three months old, comes into the company where he was, lays it down on the table, saying, sir, there's the change of your six and thirty; and away she comes, the child cries, and the bell's rung, the landlord was ready enough to answer. O sir, said he, call her back, for this will ruin my family, and crack my credit; but sir said the girl, you thought nothing to ruin my character, and crack my maiden-head; peace, peace, said he, my dear, here's one hundred and fifty pound, and take away the child and trouble me no more; well said she I'll take it, and you will make more of buying cows than maiden-heads; so away she came with the money, and returned the borrowed child to its own mother.
​Three merry companions having met on a Saturday night at an ale-house, (a hatter a shoe-maker, and a taylor,) where they drank heartily all that night, and to-morrow until mid-day: and their beats were who had the lovingest wife: So they agreed for a trial of their good-nature, that every man should do whatever his wife bade him do, as soon as ever he went home: or who did not as she ordered him, was to pay all the reckoning, which was seven and sixpence; or if all of them did as their wives bade them, then they were to pay all alike: So on this agreement they all came away, first to the hatter's house, and in he goes like a madman, dancing and jumping round the floor, his wife at the very time was taking off the pot and setting it on the floor, he still dancing about, now says the wife ding over the pot with thy madness, so he gives it a kick and over it went, and that saved him, as he had done what his wife bade him do. Then away they go the taylor's house, and he goes dancing likewise, but his wife fell a scolding him: O says he, my dear give me a kiss? kiss my arse, you drunken rogue, said she; then to her he flies and whips her over to the bed, up with her petticoats and kisses her arse before them all, and that saved him; then away they went to the shoemaker's, and in he goes very merry, and dancing about as he saw the other two do; saying, come my dear heart and ​⟨give⟩ me a kiss? go hang yourself you ⟨drunken⟩ dog said she; so he must either go and ⟨hang⟩ himself directly, or pay all the ⟨reckoning⟩.
An honest highlandman not long since, ⟨not⟩ much acquainted with the law, fell out ⟨with⟩ one of his neighbours, and to the law ⟨they⟩ went; he employed one advocate, and ⟨his⟩ opposite another, and as they were ⟨debating⟩ it in court before the judges, the highlandman being there present, a friend ⟨on⟩ his side, asked him how he thought it ⟨would⟩ go, or who would gain the day; indeed says the highlandman, his law-man ⟨speaks⟩ well, and my law-man speaks well, ⟨I⟩think we'll both win, and the judges will ⟨lose⟩, for they speak but a word now and ⟨then⟩.
A young woman by the old accident having got herself with child, was called to the ⟨session⟩ for so doing, and after one elder another, examining her how she got it, and where she got it, and what tempted her to get it; and no doubt the deel wad get her for the getting it: last of all the minister he fell a enquiring how she got it, which run the poor lass out of all patience about the getting of it, says the priest, tell me plainly where it was gotten? I tell you, said she, that it was gotten in the byre, at a cow's stake, and what other place do you want to ken about? but said he, he did not tie you to the cow's stake: no said she, I did not ​need any tying, and how far was ⟨between⟩ the byre and the house? just but and ⟨ben⟩ up and down two staps of a stane stair, ⟨then⟩ says the priest, why did you not cry to ⟨the⟩ folks in the house? Indeed fir, said she, ⟨I⟩ could not get crying for laughing at it.
An old soldier being on a furlough from the north of Scotland, having got no breakfast, fell very hungry by the way, and ⟨no⟩ alehouse being near, came into a ⟨farmer's⟩ house, and desired they would sell him some bread, or any kind of victuals; to which the surly goodwife reply'd, she never sold any bread, and she was not going to begin with him, he had but three miles and a bittock to an ale-house, and he might march on, and she did fair enough when she gied bits of bread for naething to beggars, tho' she gied nane to idle sodgers, he had naething to do there awa': Hout said the goodman gi' him a ladle fu' o' our kail, he's been ay somebody's bairn before he was sodger: What! said she, there's not a drop in the pot, they're a' in the plate before you: then gi' him a spoon and let him sup wi' us: the soldier gets a spoon, and thinking he could sup all he saw himself, the first soup he put in his mouth spouted it back again in the plate, and cries out, O my sore mouth, the hide's all of it yet since I had the clap: then every one threw down his spoon the soldier got all to sup himself; the wife stood cursing and scolding all the while, and when he ​⟨was⟩ done, burnt both plate and spoon in the ⟨fire⟩, to prevent the clap. So the soldier ⟨came⟩ off with a full belly, leaving the wife ⟨dressing⟩ the goodman's rigging with a four ⟨footed⟩ stool, for bidding him sup.
A churlish husband and a virtuous wife ⟨one⟩ time fell sadly out, because the wife had ⟨given⟩ something to the poor; what said he, mistress I'll let you know there is nothing about this house but what is mine, and you're ⟨mine⟩, and you're very arse is mine; a well, well, goodman, then you'll let me have ⟨nothing⟩, take it all and give me peace. So away they went to bed, the good-wife turned ⟨her⟩ back-side towards the good-man; and as ⟨he⟩ was falling asleep, she draws up her smock and let's fly in the goodman's shirt-tail, which awakened him in great fright, as he had been shot; ay, ay, woman what are ye about? what am I about said she; dear woman you're filing the bed: not I good-man, ⟨for⟩ when my arse was my own I took care of ⟨it⟩, and take care of it now, it's your's. O ⟨rise⟩ woman and clean the bed, and keep ⟨your⟩ arse, and a the liberty ye had before, ⟨and⟩ more if ye want it, feigh, feigh, what's ⟨this⟩? I'm a' dirt.
A ship's crew being one time in great distress at sea, by reason of a violent storm, and being all fallen down to prayer, expecting every moment to go to the bottom; there happened to be an old gentleman a passenger on board with them, who had a great ​big red nose with drinking ale and whisky and being all at their last prayers as she thought: a little boy burst out into loud laughter: O thou thoughtless rogue, said the captain, what makes thee to laugh, in seeing us all on the point of perishing? why said the boy, I cannot but laugh for to think what a fine sport it will be, when we are all drowning, to see how that man's red nose will make the water biz, when he comes about it, at which words they all fell a laughing and cherished the crew, so that they made another attempt to weather it out, and got all safe ashore at last.
My lovely Bet,
The beauty of old age, thy hoary head, and louching shoulders incline to mortality: yet I'll compare thee to the Eagle that has renewed her youth, or a leek with a white head and a green tail, this comes to thee with my kind compliments, for the kisses of thy lips, and the kindness I had to thy late bed-fellow fidler Pate my brother penchioner, ah! how we drank other's health, with the broe of the brucket ews, we brought from boughts of the German Boors; but it's nonsense to blow the dead when in the dust, yet a better Vialer never screeded on a silken cord, or kittl'd cat's trypes wi' his finger ends; his elbows were supple as an eel, and his fingers dabbed at the jigging end like a hungry hen picking barley: I seldom or ever saw him drunk, if keep him ​⟨from⟩ whisky, and whisky from him: except ⟨that⟩ night he trystet the pair of free stone ⟨breeches⟩ from Joseph the mason; and now ⟨my⟩ dear Buffy he's got them, he's got them, ⟨for⟩ a free stone covers his body, holds him ⟨down⟩, and will do; and now, now, my ⟨dainty⟩ thing, my bonny thing, my best ⟨match⟩ for matrimony, come take me now, ⟨or⟩ tell me now, I am in an anger, I'll wait ⟨nae⟩ langer, I say be clever, either now or ⟨never⟩, it's a rapture of love which does me ⟨move⟩, l'll have a wife, or by my life, if the ⟨should⟩ be blind and cripple, I'll fell my win', ⟨for⟩ her meat and fun, the like ne'er gade ⟨down⟩ her thrapple; so now Bessy I love you, ⟨and⟩ my love lies upon you, and if you love ⟨not⟩ me again, some ill chance come upon ⟨you⟩, as I'm flyting free, I'm both in love ⟨and⟩ banter, or may your rumple rust for ⟨me⟩, I've sworn it by my chanter.
THE END OF JOHN FALKIRK'S JOKES.