# Book of Etiquette/Volume 1/Part 1/Chapter 4

CHAPTER IV
WEDDING INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS
THE WEDDING INVITATION
Not later than fifteen days, and not earlier than four weeks before the date set for the marriage, wedding invitations are sent to those friends, relatives and acquaintances who are to be present at the ceremony. When the wedding is to be a large church affair, invitations are sent to all those whose names appear on the visiting lists of the two families. They are also issued to relatives and friends of the bride and groom who may be traveling abroad, to the important business associates of the groom, and those of the bride's father. Intimate friends and relatives in mourning are also invited, whether they are expected to attend or not.
For a home wedding, more discrimination is shown in the issuing of invitations. Intimate friends and relatives of both families are invited, but no casual acquaintances. In sending out the invitations, the bride-to-be and her mother should take into consideration the number of people who will fit comfortably into the reception or drawing room.
SIZE AND MATERIAL
Formal wedding invitations should always be engraved. They are issued in the name of the bride's parents, or, ​if she is an orphan, in the names of a married brother and his wife, of her guardian or her nearest male relative.
Pure white or cream-tinted paper, unglazed but smooth in surface, should be used for wedding invitations. A conventional size, although each year sees another size in wedding invitations, is seven inches in length by six inches in width. These dimensions vary, but never more than an inch or so. They fold once into the envelope. Plain script is favored for the engraving of the wedding cards; old English script, Roman capitals and block lettering are all effective. A good stationer will show you the types of lettering most suited to wedding invitations at the present time. It is his business to be able to advise you.
If there is a family crest (the bride's family) it may be embossed in white in the center at the top of the engraved sheet, but not on the flap of the envelope. A recent fashion is to have the bride's initials embossed in white where the crest would appear. Both are effective; but such decorations as gilt-edges, entwined letters or coats-of-arms in colors are in bad taste.
Very fine paper should be selected for the wedding invitation. No tint except cream may be used; pure-white is considered the very best form. The paper should be of medium weight, unglazed, and smooth. Light-weight paper through which lettering can be easily seen should not be used. Nor should the paper be so thick and heavy that it breaks when folded.
KINDS OF ENVELOPES
The wedding invitation demands two envelopes. The first, matching in texture and quality the paper of the ​invitation, is used as a protection for the card. It remains unsealed. The second envelope is a trifle larger, though it must also be of a similar texture. Into this envelope the card and the inner envelope are slipped for mailing.
The large envelope is sealed and stamped. It bears the complete name and address of the person for whom it is intended, while the inner envelope bears only the name. The church cards are enclosed with the wedding reception if there is necessity for them. And if there is to be a wedding reception to which this particular guest is invited, a special card is also enclosed. The "at home" cards of the bridal couple are sent separately after the wedding.
ADDRESSING THE ENVELOPES
The wedding invitation is addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Blank. The expression "and family" following the name of a husband and wife is not used in polite society. If there are unmarried daughters to be invited, a separate invitation is addressed to "The Misses Blank." Sons may be invited either by sending a separate invitation to each one, or addressing one invitation to "The Messrs. Blank." All these invitations, in their proper envelopes, addressed appropriately, are placed in the large envelope for mailing. This single envelope is addressed in full to the matron of the family, "Mrs. Henry Mason Blank."
INVITATION TO CHURCH WEDDING
The invitation to a church wedding is worded with a bit more formality than the invitation to the home ceremony. It is sent out two or three weeks before the day ​set for the wedding. The church wedding invitation requires no written acknowledgment, except in those rare cases when there is a request for it. Instead of the initials, R. S. V. P., it is better form to say simply, "Please reply." Invitations for the home wedding, of course, require prompt acknowledgment.
Following are two forms of church wedding invitations which may be used:
   Mr. and Mrs. John Grey Taylor request the honor of . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . presence at the marriage of their daughter Helen Marie with Mr. Raymond Mitchell on Thursday, the ninth of May at four o'clock St. Thomas's Church New York
   Mr. and Mrs. John Grey Taylor request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Helen Marie and Mr. Raymond Mitchell on Friday, the fourth of June at six o'clock at the Presbyterian Church Boston
In the first invitation, the name of the guest is written by hand in the space left for that purpose. The use ​of "marriage and" and "marriage with" is now customary in preference to "marriage to." All three words are in good form, however, and any one of them may be used. Below is a model engraved admission card, used when the church wedding is to be a large one and tickets of admission are necessary. The correct size is denoted:
PLEASE PRESENT THIS CARD
at St. Michael's Church on Monday, the fifth of May
INVITATION TO HOME WEDDING
For the home wedding, invitations are engraved as for the church wedding, but for the phrase "request the honor of your presence" the phrase "request the pleasure of your company" is substituted, though "honor" may be used in place of "pleasure" if one prefers.
As in the case of the church wedding, a space may be left for the name of the guest to be filled in, or the form that follows may be used:
   Mr. and Mrs. Robert Guy Brown request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of their daughter Helen Rose and Mr. Henry Van Buren on Tuesday afternoon, June the first at four o'clock Twenty-two West End Avenue
​When the wedding takes place in the country, or a guest at a great distance is invited, a small card like the one following is generally included:
   Train leaves Grand Central Station for Glenville at 11:42 A.M.
   Returning train leaves Glenville for New York at 6:10 P.M.
Wealthy people often place a special train at the disposal of special city friends whose presence is eagerly desired at the wedding. A card, like the one following, is enclosed with the invitation, and it serves as a pass, entitling the bearer to a seat in the reserved train. Here is the form most generally used:
   The special train leaves Grand Central Station for Glenville at 11:42 A.M. Leaves Glenville for Grand Central Station at 6:10 P.M. Please present this card at station door
WEDDING IN A FRIEND's HOME
Sometimes, either because of convenience or personal preference, arrangements are made to have a wedding take place at the home of a friend or relative. The following wording is suggested as the correct form for the invitation:
   The pleasure of your company is requested at the marriage of Miss Marian Benson Joyce to Mr. John H. Brown on Monday, the fifth of June at twelve o'clock at the residence of Mr. and Mrs. Herbert Smith Hopkins Eighteen Johns Street
WHEN CARDS AEE ENCLOSED
When a church wedding is followed by a reception or breakfast, special engraved cards are enclosed with the invitations to those guests whose presence is desired. It may be a very small card, inscribed merely with these words:
   Reception from four o'clock Forty-six Lafayette Street
For the wedding breakfast a card of this kind is usually enclosed:
   Mr. and Mrs. John Hay request the pleasure of . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . company, at breakfast on Thursday, the fifth of May at twelve o'clock
INVITATIONS TO SECOND MARRIAGES
The second wedding invitation of a widow should be issued in the name of her parents or nearest living relatives. She uses her own first name with the surname of the deceased husband. Here is the correct form:
   Mr. and Mrs. Robert Manning request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Mrs. May Ellis Bruce to Mr. Stanley Kenworth on Monday, September the fifth at six o'clock St. Paul Chapel
It may be that the woman who is to be married for the second time has no near relatives to serve as hosts for her. Her invitations may be like this:
   The honor of your presence is requested at the marriage of Mrs. Helen Roy Chadwick and Mr. Bruce Kenneth on Wednesday, August the tenth at four o'clock Church of the Redeemer
Announcement cards are sent after a wedding if there were no invitations issued. They are often sent instead of invitations to friends who live at too great a distance to be present at the ceremony. They require no ac​knowledgment though it is customary to send either a note expressing good wishes or a gift of some kind. If one lives in the same community one should call on the bride's mother, and if the bride's card is inclosed, on the bride herself shortly after she returns from the honeymoon. This is the usual form for the announcement card:
   Mr. and Mrs. Roger Smith announce the marriage of their daughter Rose Madeline to Mr. Frank Breckenridge on Thursday, April the first one thousand nineteen hundred and twenty-one
In case of a second marriage of the bride, the announcement card reads in this manner:
   Mr. Robert G. Gainsworth and Mrs. Herbert Gaylord Smith announce their marriage on Tuesday, August the Eleventh one thousand nineteen hundred and twenty-one
The bride uses the announcement above only when she is a widow. A divorcee uses her own first and second names, with the surname of the divorced husband.
The announcement card is engraved on sheets of white paper similar in size and texture to those used for the invitation. It is posted on the day of the wedding. The ​forms given above may be modified by adding the name of the church in which the ceremony was held, or the home address of the bride if it was a home wedding.
With the wedding invitation or the announcement card the "at home" card of the bride may be included, giving the date of her return from the honeymoon and her future address. Thus:
   Mr. and Mrs. K. N. Littleton At Home in Forest Hills After the eighteenth of August
INVITATION TO WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
Unlike the wedding invitation, that of the anniversary may display some delicate, unostentatious design significant of the occasion. It is engraved on sheets or cards which may display the entwined initials of husband and wife, and the year of the marriage and wedding anniversary. For a silver wedding, the engraving may be done in silver, and gold lettering is permissible for the fifty-year anniversary. The two most approved forms for anniversary invitations are given below:
   18751900 Mr. and Mrs. Henry Guy Ascher At Home Wednesday evening, May third after eight o'clock Thirty-two Pine Street
   18631913 Mr. and Mrs. Henry Guy Ascher request the pleasure of your company on the Fiftieth Anniversary of their marriage on Thursday, June the third at eight o'clock Thirty-two Pine Street
INFORMAL WEDDING INVITATION
When a recent death in the family, or when personal preference results in a so-called "quiet" wedding, when only the immediate family and very close friends are invited, a short note written either by the bride-to-be or her mother, is the only invitation. Following is a note of this kind from the bride-elect to her friend—and immediately below it the correct form of acknowledgment:
   Dear Janet:
   Two weeks from Monday, on the ninth of September, Mr. Brill and I are to be married. We are asking only a few of our most intimate friends to be present, and would be very glad to have you among them. The ceremony will take place at four o'clock.
   With kindest regards, I am
   Sincerely yours,
   Harriet B. Howe.
   Dear Harriet:
   I shall be delighted to attend your wedding on September ninth, at four o'clock.
   With cordial good wishes to you and Mr. Brill, I am
   Sincerely yours,
   Janet B. Robbins.
ACKNOWLEDGING THE FORMAL WEDDING INVITATION
When a breakfast or reception card is included, a response must be made promptly. The form of the invitation should be followed as nearly as possible. It is written on the first page of a sheet of social note paper, and addressed to the parents or guardians of the bride. Here is the form used for acceptance:
   Mr. and Mrs. John Mortimer accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. Henry B. Fletcher's kind invitation to be present at the marriage of their daughter Helen Marie to Mr. Thomas Wolcott on Tuesday, the seventh of May at twelve o'clock and afterward at the wedding breakfast
Regrets are usually worded in this manner, following closely the invitation. The reason for non-attendance may or may not be given:
   Mr. and Mrs. John Mortimer exceedingly regret that they are unable to accept Mr. and Mrs. Fletcher's kind invitation to be present at the marriage of their daughter Helen Marie to Mr. Thomas Wolcott on Tuesday, the seventh of May at twelve o'clock and afterward at the wedding breakfast
In the fourth line of the first acknowledgment above the two last words "at the" may be prefixed to the fifth line; the same holds true of the fifth line of the second acknowledgment. A good stationer will be able to give you the exact prevalent vogue in this matter.
WHOM TO INVITE
It is necessary for the young man and woman who are about to be married to make out their list of those to whom invitations are to be sent together. If the wedding is to be a large affair, not only their friends but the friends of their parents as well, and business acquaintances of both families should be invited. Relatives and friends in mourning should be invited but no resentment should be felt if they do not attend. If the wedding is a small one great care should be taken lest the guests are so numerous as to overcrowd the church or home. Especially is this true of the home where the space is usually more circumscribed.
SENDING THE INVITATIONS
All invitations should come from the home of the bride, even those that are for the personal friends of her husband even if they are unknown to the bride. They should be mailed from one month to two weeks or ten days before the day set for the wedding. If the bride is an orphan they are sent in the name of her nearest relative. If there is an older brother they may be issued in his name, but never in the name of a sister unless she is a great deal older than the bride or is herself a married woman. If the bride has lost one parent and the other has remarried she may use her own judgment as to whether to send the invitation in the name of her parent or in the names of them both. The latter is usually preferred, as a matter of consideration toward the step-parent.
RECALLING THE WEDDING INVITATION
A sudden death in the family, illness, accident, or other serious happening, warrants the recall of wedding invitations. The parents of the bride should immediately notify guests of the postponement of the wedding, by issuing printed cards. A good size for these cards is three and a quarter inches in length by one and one-quarter inches in width. The text is usually worded in this manner:
   Owing to the sudden death of Mr. Henry Robert's father, Mr. and Mrs. James Curtis are compelled to recall the invitations for their daughter's wedding on Thursday, February the fourth.
or
   Mr. and Mrs. James Curtis beg to recall the invitations issued for the marriage of their daughter, Grace Helen, and Mr. Henry Roberts, on Thursday, February the fourth.
BREAKING AN ENGAGEMENT
A broken engagement is always embarrassing for both the young man and the young lady. Friends, if they are truly well-bred, will not ask questions, and relatives will not demand explanations. The obligations which such a situation entails are unpleasant, but it is infinitely better to go through the ordeal than to face a marriage which is certain to end in disaster.
At such a time it is important for the young lady to have the utmost dignity and self-possession. She is not expected to make any announcement or offer any explanations. If a reception has been scheduled, her mother sends brief notes or engraved cards to those who have been invited, informing them that the engagement has been broken. The young lady, if she wishes, may confide in her intimate friends; but to be bitter, to condemn her former suitor in any may, to suggest that perhaps he was not all that she thought he was at first, not only reflects on her own good judgment, but is very poor form and shows lack of delicacy.
If the announcement of the engagement has been made in the papers such a notice as this might be inserted in the name of the person or persons who first made the announcement:
   Mr. and Mrs. C. D. Simmons announce that by mutual consent the engagement between their daughter Agnes and George Francis Richards is at an end.
​If invitations have been sent out a similar announcement may be dispatched to each intended guest. These should be engraved on white cards of the size recommended by the stationer.
If the engagement was announced only to intimate friends the bride should send each of them a note stating that the engagement is at an end. It is much better never to give an explanation. Such occasions as this must have given rise to the proverb, "Least said, soonest mended." Even to the bride's dearest friend the following note is sufficient:
   Bellevue, June 1, 19—
   Dear Ruth:
   Since I wrote you last week something has happened which has made George and me reconsider our engagement. You will therefore please disregard the invitation for Thursday afternoon.
   Ever sincerely yours,
   Margaret Franklin.
RETURNING GIFTS
When an engagement is broken off the young people return all expensive gifts and all letters that have passed between them. The young lady always, of course, returns the engagement ring.
If wedding presents have been received from friends these also must be returned with a brief note explaining that the wedding is not to take place. It is necessary to thank the donor as warmly as if nothing had happened.
​It takes a great deal of courage to face the situation bravely and to go through it without a sacrifice of dignity. One thing must be remembered: Don't he afraid of what people will say. It is not their happiness which is at stake.
WHEN DEATH INTERVENES
Often a death in the family occurs when preparations are under way for a wedding. If the death is that of a parent or very dear relative the wedding should be postponed, if circumstances permit, as a mark of respect and sincere sorrow for the deceased. But if the wedding must take place as scheduled, or even two or three months after the death, good taste and delicacy demand that it shall be quiet and simple, with only a few near relatives and friends present.
If the ceremony is performed in church there should be no garlands of gay flowers to strike a festive note. A bit of fern or other green foliage here and there is sufficient decoration. The bride may have one bridesmaid and a maid of honor—but an elaborate bridal train is considered poor taste within six months of a dearly beloved one's death. The ceremony itself is dispatched with expedience and rapidity, yet without any semblance whatever of haste.
Whether it is held in church or at home, the wedding during the period of mourning is characterized by a solemn simplicity that has none of the triumphant joyousness of the elaborate wedding. And still the occasion sacrifices none of its happiness, for sorrow brings to human nature the same mellow sweetness that the flight of time brings to untasted wine.
​To pay fitting reverence to the dead, weddings and receptions of all kinds should be postponed. But if circumstances decree that they shall take place, then the occasion may be marked by so quiet and unpretentious a ceremony that the respect due the deceased is in no way violated.