# Political History of the Devil Upon Two Sticks/Chapter 2

CHAP.II.
In which the story of Asmodeo's deliverance is continued.
The dæmon observing that the sight of him did not very agreeably prepossess the student in his favour, smiling said, Well Signior Cleofas, Leandro Perez Zambullo, you see, the charming god of love, the sovereign ruler of hearts, what do you think of my beauty and air? Do you not take the poets for excellent painters? Why, really, answered Cleofas, they do flatter a little. You did not, I suppose, appear in this shape to Pysche! Doubtless no, replied Asmodeo; I borrowed the appearance of a ⟨little⟩ French marquis, to make her doat on me; vice must ​always be covered with a fair appearance, without which it will never please. I assume whatever shape I will, and could have shewed myself to you in a finer imaginary body: but designing without any disguise, to lay myself open to you, I was willing that you should see me in a shape best suited to the opinion which the world entertains of me and my functions.
My lameness, answered the devil, is owing to a quarrel I formerly had in France with Pillardoc, the devil of Interest, about one Manceau, a man of business and one of the farmers of the revenues: he being very rich, we as warmly contested who should have the possession of him, and fought it out in the middle region of the air, from whence Pillardoc, (being the stronger of the two) threw me down to the earth, as the poets tell ye Jupiter did Vulcan: and so from the resemblance of our adventures, my comrades called me the Lame Devil, or the Devil upon Two Sticks; and that nick-name, which they gave me in rapiery, has stuck by me ever since: but though a cripple, I can yet go pretty nimbly: you shall be a witness of my agility.
But, adds he, let us end this discourse, and make haste out of the garret. It will not be long before the magician comes up to labour at the immortality of a beautiful sylph which nightly visits him; and if he should surprise us, he would not fail to commit me to the bottle from whence I came, and confine you to the same. Let us therefore, in the first place, throw away all the pieces of the broken phial, that the enchanter may not know my enlargement.
At these words the dæmon gathered up all the pieces of the broken phial, and after heaving them out at the window, come then, said he to the student, let us make the best of our way; take hold of the end of my cloak, and fear nothing. However dangerous the offer appeared to Don Cleofas, he yet chose rather to accept it, than expose himself to the resentment of the magician; wherefore he took as good ​hold as he could of the devil, who carried him out of the window.
Asmodeo was not in the wrong when he boasted his agility; he cleft the air with the rapidity of an arrow from a bow, and perch'd on St. Saviour's steeple. When gotten on his feet, he said to Don Cleofas, well, Signior Leandro, when men are in a very uneasy, hobbling coach, and cry out, This is a coach for the devil; do you now think they do us justice? I think nothing can be more unreasonable, answered Don Cleofas politely, and am ready to affirm upon experience, that the devil's is not only easier than a chair, but also so expeditious, that nobody can be tired on the road.
Very well replied the dæmon; but you do not know why I brought you hither, I intend from this high place to shew you whatever is at present doing in Madrid. By my diabolical power I will heave up the roofs off the houses, and, notwithstanding the darkness of the night clearly expose to your view whatever is now under them. At these words he only extended his right hand, and in an instant all the roofs of the houses seemed removed; and the student saw the insides of them as plainly as if it had been noon day, as plainly, says Louis Velez de Guevera, as you see into a pye, whose top is taken off.
This view was too surprising not to employ all his attention; his eyes ran through all parts of the city, and the variety which surrounded him was sufficient to engage his curiosity for a long time. Signior student, said the dæmon, this confusion of objects which you survey with so much pleasure, affords really a very charming prospect: but in order to furnish you with a perfect knowledge of human life it is necessary to explain to you what all those people which you see, are doing. I will disclose to you the springs of their actions, and their most secret thoughts.
​Alas, cried the student, the air resounds with shrieks and lamentations. Some sad accident must have happened. It is this, said the spirit. Two young gentlemen were playing at cards in that gaming house, where so many lamps and candles are lighted up; they grew warm upon their game, drew their swords and wounded each other mortally. The eldest of them is married, the youngest an only son, and they are both expiring. The wife of the one, and the father of the other, informed of the sad disaster, are just come to them, and they fill the neighbourhood with their complaints. Unfortunate child, said the father, addressing himself to his son, who was past hearing him, how often have I advised thee to leave off play? How often have I foretold thee, that it would cost thee thy life? If thou diedst thus unfortunately, I here call heaven to witness, it is not my fault. As for the poor wife she is running mad; tho' her husband hath by his gaming lost all the fortune she brought him, though he hath sold all her jewels, and even her very clothes, she is inconsolate for the loss of him. She is cursing cards which have been the cause of it, she is cursing the gaming house and all that live in it.
I extremely pity people that are raving mad for play, said Don Ceofas, their minds are often in such a horrid situation. Thank heaven I have nothing to answer for upon account of that vice. But you have another full as had replied the devil. Think you it is at all more excusable to give yourself up to common prostitutes; and was not you in danger this very night of being killed by bullies? Really I wonder at the folly of mankind; their own faults seem trifles to them, whereas they look at those of others thro a microscope.
A little farther, you see two men, whom they are now burying: They are two brothers, that were both sick of the same disease, but two different measures; one of them relied, with an entire confidence ​on his physician; the other let nature take her course, yet they are both dead; the former from taking all the physic the doctor ordered, and the latter because he would take nothing.
This is very perplexing, said Leandro: Alas! what must then a poor sick man do? That is more than I can tell you, replied the devil: I know very well there are such things as good remedies, but cannot say whether there are any good physicians.
Let us change the scene, continued he; I will shew you something more diverting. Do not you hear a frightful din in the street? A widow of sixty has this morning married a young fellow of seventeen, upon which all the merry fellows in that quarter are met together to celebrate the wedding, with a jingling concert of pots, frying pans, and kettles. You told me, interrupted, the student, that the making rediculous matches was your province; yet you had no hand in this. No truly, replied the cripple; I was far from having any hand in it, for I was confined: but had I been at liberty, I would not have meddled in it. This widow had a scrupulous conscience and only married to enjoy her darling pleasures without remorse. I never make such marriages: I have a much greater pleasure in troubling conscience, than in setting them at rest.
Come Signior Student, added he, now let us go and punish that base woman who so ill returned your tenderness. Upon which Zambullo took hold of the end of Asmodeo's cloak, who cleft the air a second time with him, and sat him down on Donna Thomasa's house.
The baggage was at a table with the four bullies, who had pursued the student over the tiles; he trembled with outrageous resentment to see them eat a brace of patridges and a rabbit, and empty several bottles of wine, for which he had paid, and sent thither. To crown his vexation, he saw there was nothing but mirth going forward, and found by the ​demonstrations Donna Thomasa gave, that the company of these wretches was more agreeable to that abandoned creature than his own. Ah rascals, cried he, enflamed with rage, how deliciously they fare at my expence, and a fine mortification this to me.
I confess, said the devil, it is no very pleasing sight, but they who will frequent such loose ladies must expect adventures of this kind; they happen every day in France to Abbes, men of the long robe and rich farmers of the revenue. If I had a sword, replied Don Cleofas, I would break in upon those villains and spoil their entertainment. You would be overmatched replied the cripple; leave your revenge to me, I will compass it better than you; I will this moment set them together by the ears, by inspiring them with a lascivious flame, and they shall draw their sword's upon each other: you will see a fine uproar presently.
At these words he blew, and out of his mouth issued a violent coloured vapour, that descended waving like a squib and spread itself over Donna Thomasa's table. One of the guests, immediately feeling the effect of this blast, drew near the lady, and passionately embraced her: but the others, pushed on by the force of the same vapour, endeavoured to tear her from him. Each pretended to the preference, which they now began to dispute, and a jealous rage possessed all their minds; they came to blows, drew their swords, and began to engage very warmly. In the mean while Donna Thomasa shrieked in a horrible manner, and the neighbourhood was immediately alarmed; they cried out for the officers of justice to come, which they immediately did, broke open the courtezan's doors, found two of the ruffians dead on the spot, seized the rest and carried them to prison with Donna Thomasa, who crying and tearing her hair lost all patience, whilst her guards were not a jot more moved than ​Zambullo, who laughed very heartily with Asmodeo.
Well, said the dæmon to the student, are you satisfied? No replied Don Cleofas; if you would satisfy me entirely, you must shew me the prison. What exquisite pleasure it will be to me, to see that wretch who made a jest of my passion. shut up there. I find that I now hate her more than before I loved her. With all my heart replied the devil, you shall always find me ready to oblige you, though it were even against my inclination and interest, so that it be for your good.
In a moment they reached the prison, where soon after the two bullies were brought and clapped into a dark dungeon. As for Thomasa, she was lodged on straw, with three or four loose women who had been taken up that day, and who on the morrow were to be carried to the place appointed for such creatures.
Now I am satisfied, said Zumbullo; I have had the pleasure of a full revenge. My friend Thomasa will not pass the night so agreeably as she expected. Let us go and pursue our observations where you please. This is a place very proper for them, answered the spirit; there are here a great number of guilty and innocent people; and it is a retirement which begins the punishment of the one, and purifies the virtues of the others. I will show you some prisoners of each kind, and tell you why they are kept in chains.
Before I enter into particulars, pray take notice of the gaolers at the entrance into these horrid places. The ancient poets placed but one Creberus at hell gates, but here is a far greater number, as you see. These gaolers are villains that have lost all sentiments of humanity. The wickedest of my brethren could hardly supply the place of one. But I find, added he, you look with horror on these rooms, where all the furniture is a wretched bed, and those frightful dungeons appear to you like so many ​graves. It is with reason that you are astonished at the misery of these places, and pity the fate of those wretches whom the law detains in them. Yet they do not all deserve the same compassion; their merits therefore shall be the subject of our examination.
First of all, in that large chamber on the right, are four men lying on those two wretched beds you see. One is a vintner accused of poisoning a stranger, who the other day dropped down dead in his house. It is pretended that the quality of the wine killed the deceased, but the vintner alleges that was the quantity, and will be believed at his trial, for the stranger was a German. And which of them are in the right, said Don Cleofas, the vintner or persecutors? The affair, is extremely delicate, answered the devil. It is true the wine was adulterated, but on my conscience, the German had drank so largely that the judges may safely set the vintner at liberty.
The second prisoner is by profession an assassinator, one of those cut throats called Valientes, who for four or five pistoles are very ready to oblige such with the use of their arm, that will be at the expence, to be privately rid of an enemy. The third is a fop of a dancing master, who taught one of his female scholars a false step. The fourth is a lover caught by the watch, as he was scaling the balcony of a woman of his acquaintance, whose husband was absent. It is his own fault he does not get out, by declaring his design was purely an amorous, but he chooses rather to pass for a thief, and run the risque of his life, than expose his mistress's honour.
A very discreet lover indeed, said the student: it must be owned that our nation outdoes all others in point of gallantry. I dare venture a wager, that there is not a Frenchman in the world, for example that would suffer himself to be hanged for his discretion. No I assure you, said the devil, a French​man would sooner clamber over a balcony to disgrace the woman that should shew him any favour.
Under the closet there is a dungeon, that serves for a lodging to a young vintner. What, my host again? cried Leandro; sure these people have a mind to poison all the world. This man's case is not the same replied Asmodeo: he was seized yesterday, and is likewise claimed by the inquisition. I will in a few words relate to you the subject of his commitment.
An old soldier by his courage or rather patience, having mounted to tho the post of sarjeant in his company, came to raise recruits in this city. He enquired for a lodging at an inn, where he was answered, that they had indeed empty rooms, but that they could not recommend any of them to him, because the house was haunted by a spirit, which treated all strangers very ill that were rash enough to lodge there. This did not at all baulk our sarjeant. Put me in what chamber you please, said he do but give me a candle, wine, pipes and tobacco; and as for the spirit never trouble yourself about it: ghosts have a respect for men of war who are grown old in the service.
As he seemed so resolute, he was shewn into a chamber, where all that he desired was brought to him. He fell to drinking and smoking till midnight and no spirit had yet disturbed the profound silence that reigned in the house: one would have imagined he feared this new guest; but betwixt one and two, the sarjeant all of a sudden, heard a terrible noise, like the rattling of old iron, and immediately saw entering his chamber an apparition, clothed in black, and laden all around in iron chains. Our smoker not in the least affrighted at this sight, drew his sword, advanced towards the Spirit, and with the flat side of it gave him a very severe blow on the head.
​The apparition, not much used to meet with such bold guests, cried out, and perceiving the soldier going to begin again with him, he most humbly prostrated himself at his feet. Mr Serjeant said he, for God's sake, do not give me any more; but have mercy on a poor devil, that casts himself at your feet: I conjure you by St James, who, as you are, was a great soldier. If you are willing to save your life, answered the soldier, you must tell me who you are, and speak without the least prevarication, or else this moment I cut you down the middle, as your knights of old were used to serve the giants they encountered. At these words, the ghost finding what sort of a man he had to do with, resolved to own all.
I am the principal servant of this inn, replied the spirit, my name is Guillermo: I am in love with my master's only daughter, and she does not dislike me: but the father and mother having a better match in view in order to compel them to make me their son in-law, the girl and I have agreed that I shall, every night act the part which I now do. I wrap myself in a long black cloak, and the jack chain about my neck thus equipt, I run up and down the house, from the cellar to the garret, and make all the noise which you have heard. When I am at my master and mistress' chamber door, I stop and cry out. Do not hope that I will ever let you rest, till you marry Juanna to Guillermo your upper Drawer.
After having pronounced these words with a hoarse broken voice, I continue my noise, and at a window enter the closet, where Juanna lies alone, to give her an account of what I have done. Mr Serjeant, continued Guillermo, you see I have told you the whole truth; I know that after this confession you may ruin me by discovering it to my master; but it you please to serve, instead of undoing me, I swear that my acknowledgments——You are a ​very fine person, Mr Guillermo, said the soldier. You propose to me to support a trick: It is a serious affair, which requires mature deliberation: but the consequences hurry me on. Go, continue your noise, give your account to Juanna, and I will take care of the rest.
Accordingly next morning he said to his landlord and landlady, I have seen the spirit, and I have talked with it. It is a very honest fellow. I am, said he, the great great grandfather of the master of this house! I had a daughter whom I promised to the father of the grandfather of this drawer. However, neglecting the word l had given him, I married her to another, and died soon after and ever since am tormented as the punishment of my perjury, and shall never be at rest till one of my family shall marry one of Guillermo's; and it is for this reason I walk here every night. Yet is to no purpose that I bid them marry Joanna to their head drawer, the son of my grandson and his wife turn the deaf ear to all I can say. But tell them if you please, Mr Serjeant that if they do not immediately comply with my desires, I shall proceed to action and will torment them both in an extraordinary manner.
The host, being silly enough was terrified at this discourse; but the hostess, yet more silly than her husband, fancying that the spirit was always at her heels consented to the match, and Guillermo married Juanna the next day and set up in another part of the town. Serjeant Quebrantador did not fail to visit him often: and was treated with as much wine as he cared for. This so pleased the soldier that he brought thither not only his friends, but lifted his men there, and made all his recruits drunk.
But at last Guillermo, grown weary of satiating such a crew of drunkards, told the soldier his mind; who, without ever thinking that he had exceeded the agreement, was so unjust as to call Guillermo, little ungratful rascal. The host answered; the serjeant ​replied; and the dialogue ended with several strokes with the flat side of the sword, which Guillermo received: Several persons passing by took the vintner's part; the serjeant wounded three or four, but was suddenly fallen on by a crowd of Alguazi's, who seized him as a disturber of the public peace, and carried him to prison. He there declared all that I have told you and upon this disposition the officers have also seized Guillermo; the father in law requires the annulling of the marriage: and the holy office, being informed that Guillermo is rich, have thought fit to take cognizance of it.
But why should we dwell so long on this melancholy group. Come Dan Cleofas, my confinement has tired me of Madrid, I will instantly transport you to Paris, where still, amid all the calamities and confusion of war and civil broils, the same frivolity and voluptuousness reign paramount. Don Cleofas rejoiced at the proposal and seizing Asmodeo by the cloak in an instant found himself on the top of the Palais Royale. What mean these joyous effusions of the crowd, says Zambullo and the illuminations I see? Surely they are on account of some great advantages obtained over their enemies the English or Austrians. Quite the contrary, said the devil, such a succession of calamities have befallen France since the commencement of this war, owing to the weak efforts of the friends of the unfortunate Monarch to establish royalty; the unexampled cruelties of those ambitious democrats who have, one after another, committed the most sanguinary and hellish brutalities, to raise themselves to consequence in the hate and retain themselves so; and more so by the impression their enemies formerly made on them, although France at last was so sucessful as to drive them into the very bosom of Germany and expected to have declared to the Emperor terms of peace at Vienna; but so uncertain is war, that their armies are now driven defenceless before the ​Austrians, and these rejoicings are on account of offers on the part of England to make peace with them, which they think will terminate their miseries.
It will perhaps amuse you, if I recount the motives that produced this war, and give you a sketch of the lives of some of those bold spirits, who shone in their Convention and so fully left themselves to the whole bent of their inclinations without scruple.
When he distressed fate of the finances of France had exhausted all the attempts of their noblest ministers and financiers to establish them to as to support the ordinary expences, and that cloud of pensioners that were supported by the nation, who could only boast of having provided for the excesses of the ministers of the King, and the mirmidons of Court. Louis XVI. found himself necessitated to call an assembly of the states of the nation to consult about and adopt such measures as would save the country from ruin. No sooner were they met, no sooner had they examined into the evils, than the glaring abuses of the court led them to think of renovating the whole system. A thorough change of the Constitution and government of the country, and curtailing the power of the king was the consequence.
A war with Prussia and the Emperor ensued, and the first campaign ended in the disastrous retreat of the allied armies from France. Inflated with this success the Convention began to pass the most arrogant and foolish decrees: and promising fraternization to all who should feel any faults with their Governments, their gasconading was to this purpose: We are twenty five millions of Frenchmen, and consequently have 50 millions of hands, armed with swords and poignards, let us send six millions of men to Germany, three millions to Italy and Spain; three millions to Russia and the north of Europe— but first, to get money to pay our brothers and sisters going abroad, let us send four millions to England to take possession of the bank of London. The ​nine millions remaining, are sufficient to cultivate the country, and to destroy Louis XVI. his family, and all other constituted authorities as aristocratical. Let us do this and all Europe in a year, will acknowledge the sovereignty of the French people.
Dumourier began to fulfil their Quixotic crusades. After a successful winter campaign in Belgia he turned his victorious arms towards Holland; and had it not been for the intervention of Britain, that miserable and ungrateful country would two years sooner have supinely submitted to the yoke of the French. Shame and repulse were the consequences of Dumourier's temerity. But as it would fatigue you with going over all the circumstances of the war, I shall now give you some idea of the characters of these men.
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