# The Scots Piper's Queries, or, John Falkirk's Caraches (Edinburgh)/The Comical and Witty Jokes of John Falkirk the Merry Piper

The Comical and witty Jokes of JOHN FALKIRK the MERRY PIPER.
An old gentleman and his two sons, being in a company, his eldest son sitting next to him, spoke a word which highly displeased his father, for which his father gave him a hearty blow on the side of the head; a well-​said he, I will not lift my hand to strike my parent, but he gives his other brother that sat by him a blow on the ear saying, give that about by way of a drink till it comes to my father again.
A sailor traveling between Edinburgh and Linlithgow which is twelve long computed miles; and as he was setting on in the morning about eight o'clock, he saw a vain-like young spark go running past him, which he never minded but kept jogging on at his own leisure: and as he was going into Linlithgow about twelve o'clock. up comes the young spark, and asked the sailor what o'clock it was, why says the sailor, I see you have a watch and I have none, what is it? out he pulls his watch, ho! said he it's directly twelve, and what do you think, it was half an hour after tenor I came out of Edinburgh I have walked it in an hour and a half; it is pretty well tript, says the sailor but pray sir, what man of business are you? O! said he I am a watch maker, I was thinking so said the sailor for you have made your watch to answer your feet for they cannot answer a right watch and I suppose your tongue cannot keep time with either of them, do you remember where you passd me this morning about eight o'clock? O yes, said he and off he went.
A certain old reverend priest being one night at supper in a gentleman's house; and for one article having eggs, the server of the ​table laid a cloth on every one's knee for to hold their egg in when hot; when supper was over, the priest looked down between his legs, an seeing the white cloth, thought it was his own shirt tail, and very slyly staps into his breeches bit and bit, which the lady and the maid observed, but was ashamed to tell him; so home he went with the servit in his breeches and knew nothing of it till going to bed, when it fell from him: his wife enquired how he came by it, he could not tell, but was surprised how he came to have more bulk in his breeches than formerly but observing the name they sent it back again, the priest pleaded to be excused, owned himself only a thief in ignorance.
As two maids were coming from milking their cows, one of them stepping over a stile, fell and spilt the whole paleful of milk from her head, 'O said she what will I do, what will I do. O said the other maid let it go, who can help it now, you can't take it up again, its not your maidenhead: my maidenhead, said she if it were my maiden head, I would think nothing of it, many a time I have lost my maiddn head with great pleasure and it ay came back to its ain place again, but I'll never gather up my milk.
A drover who frequented a public inn in the north of England, as he passed and repassed, agreed with the servant maid of the house for a touch of love; for which he gave ​her a six and thirty shilling piece: On the next morning he mounted his horse, without asking a bill or what was to pay; but sir, said the landlord, you forgot to pay your reckoning: well minded sir, I want my change, the maid was called in all hast yes, said she I got it but it was not for that, throws it down and off she goes: her mistress gave her the challenge she told her it was so, but she should be up with him. Twelve months after he coming past with his drove, puts up at the same inn as formerly: The girl then goes to a neighbour woman, who had a young child about three months old, lays it on the table, saying sir ⟨there's⟩ the change of your six and thirty; and away she comes: the child cries and the bell's rung, the landlord was ready enough to answer. O sir, said the drover, call her back, for this will ruin my family and crack my credit: but sir, said the girl, you thought nothing to ruin my character and ⟨crack⟩ my maiden-head: Peace, peace, said he my dear, here's one hundred and fifty pounds, and take away the child and trouble me no more: Well, said she, I will take it, and you'll make more of buying cows than maiden-heads; so away she came with the money, and returned the borrowed child to its own mother.
Three merry companions having met on a Saturday night at an ale house (a hatter a ​shoe-maker, and a taylor,) where they drank heartily all that night, and to morrow until mid day: and their bets were who had the lovingest wife: So they agreed for a trial of their good nature, that every man should do whatever his wife bad him do, as soon as ever he went home; who did not as she ordered him was to pay all the reckoning, which was seven and sixpence: or if all of them did as their wives bade them then they were to pay all alike. So on this agreement they all came away first to the hatters house, and in he goes like a madman, dancing and jumping round the floor, his wife at the time was taking off the pot and setting it on the floor, he still dancing about now says the wife, ding over the pot with thy madness, so he gives it a kick and over it went and that saved him as he had done what his wife bade him do. Then away they go to the taylor's house in he goes dancing likewise, but his wife fell a scolding him: O says he my dear give me a kiss? kiss my arse you drunken rogue, said she, then to her he flies and lays her over the bed up with her petticoats and kisses her arse before them all, and that saved him; then way they went to the shoemaker's, and in he goes very merry, and dancing about as he saw the other two do: saying, come my dear heart, and give me a kiss? go hang yourself you drunken dog, said she: so he must either go and hang himself directly, or pay the reckoning.
​An honest Highlandman not long since, not much acquainted with the law, fell out with one of his neighbours, and to the law they went; he employed one advocate, and his opposite another, and as they were debating it in court before the judges, the highlandman being there present, a friend on his side asked him how he thought it would go, or who would gain the day, indeed says the higlandman, his lawman speaks well, and my law-man speaks well, I think we'll both win, and the judges will lose, for they speak but a word now and then.
A young woman by the old accident having got herself with child, was called to the session for so doing and after one elder another examining how she got it, and where she got it, and what tempted her to get it: and no doubt the deel wad get her for the getting it; last of all the minister he fell a enquiring how she got it, which run the poor lass out of all patience about the getting, says the priest, tell me plainly where it was gotten? I tell you, said she, that it was gotten in the byre, at a cow's stake, and what other place do ye want to ken about? but said he, did he not tie you to the cow's stake: no, said she, I did not need my tying; and how far was between the byre and the house? just but and ben up and down two slaps of a stone stair; then says the priest why did you not cry to the folks in the house? indeed sir, said she, I could not get cried for the laughing at it.
​An old soldier being on a furlough from the north of Scotland having got no breakfast, fell very hungry by the way and no ale house being near, came into a farmer's house, and desired they would sell him some bread, or any kind of victuals; to which the surly goodwife replied she never sold any bread, and she was not going to begin with him, he had but three miles and a bittock to an ale house, and he might walk on, as she did fair enough when she gied bits of bread for ⟨naething⟩ to beggars. tho' she gied nane to idle sodgers, he had naething to do there awa'. Hout said the goodman, gie m a ladlefu o' our kail, he'z been somebody's bairn before he was a sodger. What's said she there's not a drop in the pot, they're a i the plate before you, then gie'm a spoon and let him sup wi us; The soger gets a spoon, and thinking he could sup all he saw, the first sup he took he spouted back again into the plate and cries out, O my sore mouth, the hide's all off yet since I had the clap: every one thrwoing down his spoon the soldier got all to sup himself; the wife stood cursing and scolding all the while and when he was done, burnt both plate and spoon in the fire, to prevent the clap. So the soldier came off with a full belly leaving the wife dressing the goodman's rigging with a four footed stool for bidding him sup.
A churlish man and a virtuoss wife, one time fell out, because the wife had given ​something to the poor; what said the mistress I'll let you know there is nothing about this house but what is mine: well, well goodman than you'll let me have nothing, take it all and give me peace: So away they went to bed, the good wife turned her backside toward the good man; and as he was falling asleep she draws up her smock and lets fly in the goodman's shirt tail, which awakened him in as great fright as he had been shot; ay, ay woman what are ye about? what am I about said she: dear woman you're filling the bed. Not I goodman, for when my arse was my own I took care of it, and take you care of it now, its yours, O rise woman and clean the bed and keep your arse and a' the liberty ye had before and more, if ye want it; feigh, feigh, what's this? I'm a dirt.
A ships crew being one time in great distress at sea by reason of a violent storm and being all fallen down to prayer, expecting every moment to go to the bottom: there happened to be an old gentleman a passenger on board with them, who had a great big red nose with drinking ale and whisky: and being all at their all prayers as they thought, a little boy burst out into loud laughter: O thou thoughtless rogue, said the captain what makes thee to laugh in seeing us all on the point of perishing? why said the boy, I cannot but laugh for to think what fine sport it will be when ​we are all drowning, to see how that man's red nose will make the water biz when it comes about it; at which words they all fell a laughing and cherish d the crew, so that they made another attempt to weather it out, and got all safe ashore at last.
My lovely Bet,
The beauty of old age, the hoary head, and louching shoulders incline to mortality; yet I'll compare thee to the Eagle that has renewed her youth, or a leek with a white head and a green tail this comes to thee with my kind compliments for kisses of thy lips and the kindness I had to thy late bed-fellow, Fidler Pate my brother-pensioner ah! how we drank other's health with the bracket of the brucket ewes, we brought from boughts of the German Boors but it's nonsense to blow the deed, when in the dust, yet a better Vialer never screeded on a silken cord, or kittl'd cat's trypes wi' his finger-ends; his elbows were supple as an eel, and his fingers dabbed at the jigging end like a hungry hen picking barley: I seldom or ever saw him drunk, if keep him from whisky, and whisky from him: except, that night he trystet the pair of free-stone breeches from Joseph the mason; and now my dear Bessey he's got them he's got them for a free-stone covers his body, holds him down, and will do: and now, now my dainty thing, match for matrimony, come take me now or tell me now, I'm in danger, I'll wait me langer ​I say be clever, e her now or never, it's a rapture of love which doe me move, I'll have a wife, or by my life if she should be blind and cripple, I'll se'l my win' for her meat and sun, the like ne'er gade do an her thrapple: so now Bessy I love you, my love lies npon you: and if you love me not again, some ill chance come upon you, as Im flyting free, I'm both in love and banter, or may your rumple rust for me. I've sworn it by my chanter
THE END.