# The Scots Piper's Queries, or, John Falkirk's Cariches (1800)/The Quaker and Clown

The QUAKER and CLOWN, a wonderful Tale.
A Certain clown, named Roger, loved the chimney-corner so much better ⟨than⟩ a church-pew, that he constantly passed ⟨his⟩ Sundays in it. It was so long since he had attended divine service, that he scarce remembered the colour of the parson's cassock. His wife, who heartily wished his absence was more frequent, took occasion one ​day to represent to him, in the most ⟨emphatical⟩ manner, what an heinous crime it ⟨was⟩ to neglect divine service. She held forth ⟨so⟩ long, and so loud on this head, that he, ⟨tired⟩ by her vociferous eloquence, rather ⟨than⟩ convinced by her arguments, determined ⟨to⟩ leave his beloved seat, with an intention ⟨to⟩ go to church. He went accordingly from home; but happening in his way to ⟨the⟩ church, to see the door of the quaker's meeting open, he went in, sat down on a form and fell fast asleep.
Aminadab Holdforth, having sustained some losses, was telling his auditors, that whatever they gave to him, should be returned twofold. Roger waked just as he made this declaration, and from the meeting to his cottage revolved these words in his mind.
When he got home, he repeated them to his wife; telling her at the same time, that as he thought it improbable his friend Aminadab should lie, he was determined to make him a present of their cow Cherry; as it would, according to his promise in the meeting, be returned two-fold.
On this extraordinary information the poor woman set up a most dismal outcry: urging, in the strongest terms, that her dear Cherry's milk was the chief of their support: but all to no purpose, Roger was absolutely bent on his design, and drove away immediately to Aminadab's, regardless of her lamentations and piteous moans.
​When he arrived at his house, Friend Aminadab happened to be at the door. ⟨Roger⟩ directly doff'd his hat; and gnawing its ⟨corners⟩, addressed him in the following ⟨manner⟩. "Friend Aminadab, Ize brought you ⟨here⟩ our cow Cherry, an you pleases to ⟨accept⟩ an her."—"Thou art a good fellow," ⟨replies⟩ Aminadab: "Here, Sarah, take our ⟨honest⟩ neighbour into the kitchen, and let ⟨him⟩ eat heartily; and, hark ye, make him ⟨drink⟩ some of our best ale." At these ⟨welcome⟩ sound, Roger's heart leapt with joy. ⟨He⟩ was conducted to the kitchen, where he ⟨acted⟩ his part most manfully; and, in a ⟨couple⟩ of hours, was sent home as happy as a ⟨prince⟩.
When he came home, he boasted to his ⟨wife⟩ that he had already received something ⟨in⟩ part of his gift; that all would be ⟨returned⟩ in time, and that he was certain his friend Aminadab had spoken truth; but his wife interrupting him in the harangue, with an accusation of stupidity, and having foolishly ⟨ruined⟩ himself and her, Roger to avoid further altercation, retired to bed, and slept ⟨soundly⟩ till morning.
As-soon as Roger waked, his ears were ⟨attracted⟩ by the sounds of moo—moo-moo ⟨under⟩ his window. He got up; and ⟨looking⟩ out, perceived his own cow Cherry, and Aminadab's bull, whom she had decoyed ⟨home⟩ with her. Overjoyed at the sight, he ⟨waked⟩ his wife, and informed her of their ​good fortune; and at the same time ⟨upbraiding⟩ her for her unbelief of words uttered ⟨in⟩ the meeting; and remarked, that his ⟨friend⟩ Aminadab had been better than his ⟨word,⟩ for he had not only returned his gift ⟨twofold⟩, but had likewise given him the ⟨best⟩ dinner he had ever tasted in his life.
It was then determined to sell the ⟨bull⟩ and keep the cow. No sooner resolved ⟨on⟩ than put in execution; the bull was ⟨sold⟩ and the cow reserved for her former use.
Roger, having such success by going ⟨to⟩ meeting, determined to go there again. ⟨The⟩ next Sunday, being seated as before, he ⟨was⟩ very attentive to Aminadab's discourse; ⟨and⟩ towards the conclusion, he was greatly astonished to hear him pronounce the following words: "That whereas on Monday ⟨last⟩ I have lost my bull, together with a cow ⟨lately⟩ made me a present of; whoever can ⟨give⟩ information of the said cow and bull, so ⟨as⟩ they may be recovered, shall receive a ⟨crown⟩ reward."
This appearing somewhat mysterious ⟨to⟩ Roger, he resolved to intimate his ⟨surprize⟩ to Aminadab; whom he addressed accordingly, as he was coming out of the meeting. The Quaker, finding by his discourse that he was the person who had got both cow and bull, told him, in a great passion, ⟨that⟩ he would the next morning take a ride ⟨to⟩ Mr. Clearcause (a justice of the peace, ⟨who⟩ lived at about three miles distance) and in​form him of the affair. Roger determined to be ⟨at⟩ the justice's as soon as the Quaker, and set out accordingly the next morning early.
On the road, Roger espied the Quaker's horse ⟨tied⟩ to the door of a small hedge ale-house, to which he immediately went; and, peeping thro' ⟨a⟩ window, perceived Aminadab and the landlord's wife, transacting some affairs which could not be termed absolutely decent. At this unexpected ⟨sight⟩ Roger was greatly overjoyed, knowing he ⟨could⟩ intimidate the Quaker at any time, by letting him understand what he was privy to, which would excite the rage of his own conjugal termagant.
Roger entering the house, drank a pint of ale with all possible speed; and then informed the servant that Mr. Holdforth and he had agreed to ride ⟨spell⟩ and spell, or what is otherwise called ride and ⟨tye⟩: a method practised in the country when two go a journey together, and have but one horse between them; one riding first and leaving the horse at a place appointed; or if neither of them know the way, tying him to the door of some public house, in such a manner as the other must absolutely see it; and, describing to the people of the house the person they are to deliver the horse to; in this manner they proceed during the whole journey.
Roger having got possession of Aminadab's horse, rode it to the town where the justice of the peace lived, and there struck up a bargain with a great deal of expedition, and sold it, then waited at the justice's door for the Quaker.
Poor Aminadab, whose corpulency was no great friend to his walking, in a short time after came puffing and blowing towards the justice's. Roger immediately informed him, that being very much tired by his journey, and seeing his horse stand idle at a door, he had made bold to use him: and, finding a chap who was willing to give a good ​price for him, he readily sold him, thinking it a sin to refuse a good offer; and therefore hoped he would not take it ill what he had done.
Upon hearing this, the Quaker was in a great passion; and said, "Thou villain! what, after having robbed me of my bull and cow, to steal my horse!—why—why fellow, don't you think to be hang'd?"—"I hope not," replies Roger; "but however that may be, pray friend, let me ask thee one question. What might you be doing when I took the horse?"—"Hush! Hush!" cries the Quaker, in a terrible fright—"Never mention what thou hast seen, and I'll forgive thee all. Go thy ways; and hark thee, take grace with thee."
Roger bowed, and proceeded homewards; but, as the Quaker moved slowly, determined to call at his house. When he arrived there, the maid accosted him with, "Well, Roger, how hast thou and my master made it out?"—"Oh! very well," replies Roger, "We're as good friends as ever. He bid me go, and take grace with me."—"Grace! cries the maid; "what, and all her pigs!"
Now, reader, you must know, grace was a favourate sow of the Quaker's, who had lately littered a fine parcel of pigs. The maid thinking it her master's intention, turned the sow and her litter out of the sty, and Roger drove them home before him.
The Quaker's wife was soon made acquainted with the affair; and the reception Aminadab met with from her, when she saw him come home without his horse, is better imagined than expressed—But I am credibly informed, that his harangues in the meeting were for some time after very much larded with invectives against rage—hard words—and an immoderate indulgence of the passions.
Glasgow, Printed by J. & M. Robertson, Saltmarket, 1800.