# Book of Etiquette/Volume 2/Part 3/Chapter 4

CHAPTER IV
TEAS AND OTHER ENTERTAINMENTS
EVOLUTION OF THE AFTERNOON TEA
Of course one cannot mention the words "afternoon tea" without immediately associating it with merry England. For it was there that, over two hundred years ago, a dreamy-eyed Dutchman (dreamy-eyed because he had lived many years in China) brought with him from the Orient a peculiar little leaf which, with a little hot water and sugar, made a delicious drink. At first lordly Englishmen would have none of him—but he didn't care. He exhibited the powers of the little leaves, made his tea, and drank it with evident relish. Others were curious; they, too, drank, and once they started it was difficult to do without it.
Someone spread the rumor that this new drink from China contained drugs and stimulants—and no sooner was this rumor spread than everyone began drinking it! Even the ladies and gentlemen of better society finally condescended to taste "the stuff"—and lo! before they realized it, it had been unconsciously adopted as their very own beverage! Through two generations the idea of the afternoon tea has been perfected, until to-day we have cosy, delightful, ceremonious five-o'clock teas that are the pride of the English and the joy of everyone who follows the custom.
​And so we find the afternoon tea enjoying a vogue of unrivaled popularity here in America. When a débutante daughter is to be introduced to society, the mother plans an elaborate afternoon tea (and they can certainly be elaborate!). When guests from out-of-town are visiting, the hostess can think of nothing more appropriate than a chummy tea to introduce them to her friends. So charming a way of entertaining is the afternoon tea that it has usurped the evening reception almost entirely, except when the occasion requires special formality.
THE SIMPLER TEA
Then, too, there is the simpler tea so dear to the hearts of our hospitable ladies of good society. It was George Eliot who earnestly inquired, "Reader, have you ever drunk a cup of tea?" There is something undeniably heart-warming and conversation-making in a cup of steaming hot tea served with delicious cream; it is an ideal prescription for banishing loneliness. Perhaps it is not so much the tea itself, as the circle of happy friends eager for a pleasant chat.
As the simple tea does not require very much preparation or planning, we will discuss it briefly here and take up only the formal tea in detail. The simple tea may be served for any guest who chances in between four or six o'clock in the afternoon. Sometimes a hostess devotes a stated time each day or on certain days in the week which are known to her friends, to tea, and she lets her friends know just what the hour is and that they are welcome to join for a bite and a little chat whenever they feel so inclined. There may be one or several little tea tables which are brought into the drawing-room when the ​guests are ready for tea. Covering each one is a dainty lace or linen doily, or an embroidered tea-cloth. If tea tables are not available, one large table may serve the purpose, but it also must be covered with small doilies at each cover instead of one large table-cloth.
The hostess and one or two of her friends may serve. The tea is made at the table and served with very small, dainty sandwiches and all kinds of quaintly-shaped cakes. Bonbons, salted nuts and sometimes ices are also served.
If the hostess does not own dainty tea equipage, the beverage may be made in the kitchen and brought in ready to serve, fragrant and steaming. The custom of the afternoon tea is confined almost wholly to women, though it is not bad form by any means to have gentlemen present for tea.
A tea wagon offers the most attractive service for an afternoon tea. It should not be in the room where the hostess receives but should be wheeled in from an adjoining room (the dining-room usually). The maid, if there is one, performs this service, the hostess herself if there is no maid. The table should not be overcrowded and if there is not ample room for sandwich trays these should be brought in separately.
The china should be thin and of the same general kind though not necessarily of the same pattern. There should be sugar—preferably block sugar with tongs, a pitcher of cream, slices of lemon, mint leaves and cloves. If the hostess makes the tea herself she adds sugar, cream, lemon or whatever else the guest may desire before she passes the cup. The hostess who cares about her reputation for hospitality will perfect herself in the gentle art of making delicious tea before the day comes for her to prove herself before her guests.
THE FORMAL TEA
When the afternoon tea becomes formal and ceremonious it takes the place of the customary "at home." Invitations must be sent a week or ten days in advance, and if one is unable to attend, a polite note of explanation must be sent. However, no answer is necessary if one intends to be present.
With this more pretentious affair, the refreshments are served in the dining-room instead of in the drawing-room or outdoors as is sometimes done at simpler teas. The hissing urn always holds the place of honor (except on very warm days when iced tea or iced coffee may be served). Trays of thinly sliced bread are on the table, and dainty sandwiches in large variety. Fruit salads are never amiss, and strawberries with cream are particularly delightful when in season. Then, of course, there are cakes and bonbons and ices, although the latter are usually confined to warm days.
At a ceremonious tea, the hostess stands near the drawing-room door to greet each guest as she arrives. If her daughters receive with her, they stand to her right, and help in making any necessary introductions. As many guests as can be conveniently entertained may be invited to the formal tea; but the refreshments must never be so substantial that they will interfere with dinner. In fact, the tea must be kept true to its name, for if other eatables besides those fashionable to the tea are served, it is a reception in substance if not in name.
When one wishes to invite eighteen or twenty friends, and does not wish to undertake the trouble or expense of a dinner, the "high tea" is in order. It is usually held ​on a Sunday evening. At these "high teas" small tables are invariably used, four guests being placed at each table. It is customary to allow the guests to form their own quartettes, for in this manner they will usually find table companions who will be congenial—and a most unfortunate occurrence at a "high tea," or in fact any reception, is a seating arrangement untasteful to the guests themselves. The little tables are covered with snowy tea cloths and decorated with a sprig of flowers in a colored vase occupying the position of honor.
THE TEA-TABLE
Perhaps more important than the tea itself, is the appearance of the tea-table. The well-equipped table is adorned with fine china and gleaming silver, and there are always a few flowers to add to the beauty of the setting. Ferns may be used instead of flowers, but there must be no elaborate ribbons or decorations such as appear on the dinner-table.
As a matter of fact, the tea-table should always present an appearance of unpremeditated simplicity. It must never seem as though it had been especially prepared and planned for the occasion. Candles, dimmed with pale shades, may be on the table when the day is gloomy and dark. In winter, for instance, when the days are shorter, softly-glowing candles aid considerably in the cheerfulness of the afternoon tea. Tea napkins are used instead of those of regular dinner size.
A pretty manner of serving sandwiches or cakes is to have them in silver-rimmed wicker baskets which can be passed easily from one guest to another. If the tea is informal, wicker chairs and tables may also be used. This ​is especially pleasing and appropriate when the tea is served on the porch or in the garden.
DRESS AT TEA TIME
Tea time is always the fashionable time of the day and there is sufficient variety in appropriate materials and style for a woman to find a gown that is more than ordinarily individual and becoming. For an informal tea the hostess may wear a clinging gown of silk but she should not dress very sumptuously for her guests will come simply attired and it is hardly hospitable to be a great deal more elaborately dressed than they. Afternoon frocks of silk, velvet, cloth, etc., or of summer materials are suitable for the guest. When the weather demands it she wears an attractive wrap.
In selecting dresses for teas, and, indeed for all occasions, it is well to remember that the more ornamentation there is the less elegance there will be. The materials should be rich but not showy—the best-dressed person is the one who calls least attention to his or her clothes.
One may wear jewels but not heavy necklaces or glittering brooches or other flashing stones. If the affair is a formal one the hair may be as elaborately marcelled as for the evening. In this case the gown should be a rich creation of the kind suitable only for such events.
If the tea is given for a débutante it may be a very festive occasion and décolleté gowns may be worn. Dark colors are rarely worn and the débutante herself should be a fairy dream in a lovely creation of silk, georgette, crêpe-de-chine, or something else equally girlish and appropriate.
Elderly women wear black lace or satin though certain ​shades of brown and blue and nearly all shades of gray are irreproachably good taste if—and this "if" is an important one—they are becoming.
THE GARDEN PARTY
Charming indeed is the simple entertainment of the garden party. It is an undebatable fact that informal entertainments are always more enjoyable than those that are strictly formal, and the easy harmony of the garden party is certainly informal to an acceptable degree.
Someone once said of the lawn fête (which is merely another name for a garden party) that "a green lawn, a few trees, a fine day and something to eat" constitute a perfect garden party. To this we add, that the guests must be carefully selected and the grounds must be attractive.
The garden party must be held in the open air; refreshments are served outside and the guests remain outside until they are ready to depart. At Newport, where garden parties are quite the vogue, the invitations are sent weeks in advance, and, if the weather is bad, the party is held indoors. But ordinarily it must be held entirely on the grounds. A large porch is a great advantage, for if there is a sudden downpour of rain, the guests may repair to its shelter.
There are many opportunities for the hostess to show consideration and hospitality at the garden party. Easy chairs arranged in groups or couples under spreading trees always make for comfort. Some hostesses have a tent provided on the lawn for the purpose of serving the refreshments—a custom which earns the approbation of ​fastidious guests who search the food for imaginary specks of dust when it is served in the open.
RECEIVING THE GUESTS
Invitations to garden parties may be sent ten days to two weeks in advance, and a prompt reply of acceptance or regret is expected. The hostess receives on the lawn—never in the house. The guests, however, drive up to the door of the house, are directed upstairs to deposit their wraps (if they wish they may keep them with them), and then are shown to the part of the grounds where the hostess is receiving. A servant should be in attendance to see that each guest is properly directed, unless the grounds where the hostess is receiving are visible from the house.
After being greeted by the hostess, guests may wander about the grounds, stopping to chat with different groups, and seeking the refreshment table when they are weary. The hostess must be sure that her lawns are faultlessly mowed, and that the tennis courts are in order. Lawn- tennis has had a large share In the making of the garden party's popularity, and the wise hostess will always be sure that her courts are in readiness for those who enjoy the game.
Cold refreshments are usually served at the garden party. Salads, ham and tongue sandwiches, fruits, jellies, ices, cakes, candles and punch are in order. Particular care must be taken in serving the refreshments to avoid any accidents or mussiness. There is nothing more disturbing to both hostess and guest than to have a glass of punch or a dish of strawberries overturned on ​a lawn, and pains should be taken to avoid accidents of this kind.
ON THE lAWN
Music is a pleasing feature at the garden party. A pretty custom, now enjoying vogue among the most fashionable, is to have the orchestra hidden by a clump of trees or shrubbery, but near enough to be heard distinctly. In the outdoors music is never too loud to interfere with conversation, and it is always a source of keen enjoyment to the guests. Also, it adds a solemn charm to the natural beauties of the occasion.
In planning a garden party, it is best to hire all the glass, silver and china from the caterer, as there is always considerable breakage no matter how careful the servants may be. If the hostess does use her own china and glass-ware, she must never use her best unless she is willing to take the risk of having it broken. Undoubtedly, the garden party is troublesome, but it offers possibilities of tremendous enjoyment and amusement, and when properly arranged is always a success.
The correct time for a garden party is between three and six in the afternoon. Sometimes it lasts until seven if the day is long and the guests are congenial. It rarely lasts into the evening, however, unless it is in celebration of some special event. Sometimes evening lawn receptions are held, and they are remarkably pretty. An appropriate time to hold an evening garden party is in celebration of a summer wedding anniversary. The grounds are brilliantly lighted with many-hued Japanese lanterns or tiny colored electric lights twining in and out among the trees. Benches and chairs are set in groups or pairs ​underneath the trees. Music is usually on the porch instead of on the grounds. The house is open, and the younger guests may dance if they wish. Supper is served either outdoors or indoors as convenient. Altogether the garden party, whether held in the afternoon or evening, is a picturesque, charming and delightful affair and deserves the wide popularity it is enjoying both in America and England.
DRESS FOR GARDEN PARTIES AND LAWN FESTIVALS
Summer frocks, in their airy flimsiness and gay colors are ideally fitted for the colorful background of a garden or lawn party. And the lady's escort, in his white trousers and dark sack coat adds still further a note of festivity.
For the garden party, the woman wears her prettiest light-colored frock and flower-trimmed hat. Gay parasols may be carried if they match, or harmonize with, the rest of the costume. Light shoes are more attractive than dark ones with light frocks.
A garden party might be compared with a drama, the costumes of the guests deciding whether or not it would be termed pure romance or light comedy. Here, amidst summer flowers, woman's natural beauty is heightened, and the wrong color schemes in dress, the wrong costumes for the setting, jar as badly as a streak of black paint across the hazy canvas of a landscape painting by an impressionist.
WOMAN'S GARDEN COSTUME
Organdie seems to be the material best suited for the garden-party frock. For the younger person there could ​be no prettier frock for garden or lawn party, or indeed for any outdoor afternoon occasion.
For the older woman, a dress of dotted Swiss, pierette crêpe, or French lawn is becoming. The color should be light and attractive, but the style may be as simple as one pleases. Lilac is a pretty color for the older woman, and sunset yellow is becoming both to age and youth alike, when it is appropriately combined with some more somber shade.
There are several color combinations that are very beautiful in lawn and garden settings. We will mention them here, as they might be valuable in selecting frocks for such occasions as mentioned. Violet and orange, both pale and not vivid, offer a delicate harmony of color that is nothing short of exquisite. Old rose and Nile green are equally effective. Orchid, for the person whose complexion can bear it, may be combined with such vivid colors as red, green and blue, presenting a contrast so strong and clear and beautiful that it reminds one of a glorious sunset. Black satin, for the elderly person, is quite festive enough for the garden party when it is combined with a pretty shade of henna or old blue or some other bit of color.
Styles may be simple, but colors must always be gay and rich as the colors from Nature's own palette. And the hat that is broad-brimmed and massed with bright flowers, is a fitting complement for such a costume.
THE MAN AT THE GARDEN PARTY
Of course the decorative art of dress has for a long time been entrusted wholly into the hands of woman, but man may be just as attractive on festive occasions, if he ​follows the rules of correct dress. For him there is less color to be considered, but just as much effect.
The younger man is well-dressed for the garden party when he wears a suit of white flannel or serge with colored or white linen, a bright tie, straw or panama hat, and oxfords of white or black, or a combination of white and black. Loose jackets of black and white striped flannel may also be worn with white duck trousers, if one is young. Then there are the attractive light suits of gray twillett that are so effective when worn with a white waist-coat and bright tie.
For the older man, a jacket of black and white home-spun is extremely appropriate. It is smart when worn with a waistcoat of white flannel, white shirt and collar and gayly figured tie of silk foulard. Trousers of white flannel would complete this excellent costume for the elderly man, and with a panama hat that boasts a black band, and black-and-white oxfords he is ready for the most exclusive garden or lawn party.
HOUSE PARTIES
No one should attempt a house party whose home is net comfortably large enough and who is not able to provide every convenience for the guests. One need not necessarily be a millionaire to hold a successful house party, but it is certainly necessary to have a spacious home and sufficient means to make things pleasant for the guests every minute of the time that they are in the house.
While the success of a house party rests directly on the host and hostess, it also depends largely upon the guests themselves. They are expected t» contribute to the entertainment. They may be good conversationalists, or witty humorists, or clever in arranging surprises. ​A man or woman who is jolly, eager to please is always invited to house parties and welcomed by both hostess and guests with equal pleasure and cordiality.
SENDING THE INVITATION
The invitations to house parties are important. While it is complimentary for a guest to be invited to "spend a few days with me next week" he or she will undoubtedly be ill at east during the visit and fearful of encroaching upon the hospitality of the hostess. It is always more considerate and better form to state the definite duration of the visit, for instance, mentioning that a train leaves the guest's town at eleven-thirty on a certain day, and that another train leaves for that same guest's town, at a certain hour on the day he is to leave. This gives the guest clearly, and without discourtesy, the precise time he is expected to remain at the home of the hostess, and he may remain the full time without any vague premonitions of undesired presence. If the hostess did not state the time of arrival and departure the guest should in her acceptance give suggestive dates leaving them subject to change at the discretion of the hostess. Any other plan is embarrassing to both hostess and guest since neither can make plans for the future until she finds out what the other intends to do.
The usual duration of house party visits are three days—often they last for a week end—although some continue a week or even longer. The lady of the house usually writes a note in the name of her husband and herself both, inviting Mr. and Mrs. Blank to her house for three days or three months as she (the hostess) pleases. A clear explanation as to how to reach the house is given, ​and also the necessary information regarding trains and schedules.
These invitations must be answered promptly and if for any reason the invited one cannot attend, the reason should be given. If there is any doubt as to how to get to the house of the hostess; questions may be asked in the answer to the invitation, and the hostess must answer them at ©nee.
WHEN THE GUESTS ARRIVE
If the hostess cannot be present to receive her guests, the duty devolves upon the daughter of the house or an intimate friend. As soon as a guest arrives he is shown to his room for after the long railroad trip one is usually dusty, tired and not in the mood for conversation or pleasantries. A bath, a nap, and a cup of coffee or tea, or, if the weather is warm, an iced drink are most welcome.
The taxi fare from the station may be paid by either hostess or guest. The former may consider that the other is her guest from the moment she arrives and the latter may include this item in her traveling expenses. Generally speaking, the hostess bears all of the expenses of the guest while she is in her home but special services such as laundry work, pressing, etc., may be paid for by the guest herself.
It is bad form to invite numerous friends and then to crowd them two in a room to make a place for all. Of course a mother and daughter may be asked to share the same room if individual beds are provided; but two women, meeting at the house party for the first time, cannot be expected graciously to accept and enjoy sharing the same bed and room together.
​The furnishing of the guest chamber may be modest, but it must always be neat and comfortable. To make the visit a pleasant one, the room that the guest will occupy during his stay must be one that invites memory—one that by its very cheerfulness and comfort remains fondly in one's memory. The personal tastes of the guests themselves should be ascertained in assigning rooms to them; some may like a sunny room, others may not be able to endure it; and the considerate hostess will so arrange that each one of her guests is pleased.
There are numerous little services that the hostess must make sure are provided for her visiting guests. Scissors, thread and needles should be in one of the dressing-table drawers; stationery, pens, ink, and a calendar should be in the writing-desk. Books, chosen especially for the occupant, should be scattered about. The thoughtful hostess will make a round of the rooms before the arrival of the guests and make sure that every detail is attended to. Fresh flowers should be placed in the vases.
It is the duty of the guest to see that her room is kept in order. If there is no maid she should attend to it herself and in any case she should keep her own things in place and watch carefully to see that the room is at all times exquisitely neat.
ENTERTAINING AT THE HOUSE PARTY
At eight o'clock, or a little later if it is more convenient, all the guests meet in evening dress at dinner. It is then that the necessary introductions are made and the guest of honor, if there is one, is presented. Plans may be made for the next day or two, the hostess offering suggestions and deferring to the wishes of her guests when they have ​attractive plans to submit. The hostess also informs the guests at what time breakfast and luncheon is served. It is not obligatory for every guest to be present at luncheon, but it is strictly so at dinner.
The considerate hostess, while endeavoring to fill every moment of her guests' stay with her, with pleasure and happiness, does not overdo it to the extent that they will have no time for writing their correspondence, reading a bit, or taking their customary nap. Unfortunately many of our hostesses who entertain lavishly at house parties and spare no expense or effort in making the party a brilliant success, spoil it all by trying to crowd too much entertainment into the day, forgetting that their guests need a little time to themselves.
In planning entertainments for the morning, the hostess must remember that breakfast will be preferred late, and that the women guests, especially, may prefer to forego breakfast entirely and keep to their rooms until just before luncheon. Thus it is always best to start any entertainment in the afternoon. Long drives through the country, tennis, hockey, golf, card parties—all these are appropriate for the afternoon.
The evening is usually devoted to some special entertainment prepared sufficiently in advance to render it an important occurrence. A dance after dinner, a fancy dress ball, or private theatricals are suitable; and often long moonlight drives, ending with a jolly little picnic, are planned with great success.
HOSTESS AND GUESTS AT THE HOUSE PARTY
The first duty of the hostess is personally to meet or have her husband meet the guests as they arrive at the ​railroad station. It is better form to have him meet them while she remains at home to receive them.
There are several important rules that the guest must observe. In the first place, he must not fail to arrive and depart at the exact time signified in the invitation. If a train is missed, the correct thing to do is wire immediately so that the host and hostess will not be awaiting the arrival in vain. Another important rule for the guest is rigidly to follow and adhere to the laws and the customs of the house: thus if smoking is not allowed in the bed rooms, the gentlemen must be sure to refrain from so doing and each guest should adapt his hours to those of the host and hostess.
One of the most difficult of guests to entertain is one who is peculiar about his eating. It is an awkward situation and the guest if he can should eat what is set before him. If this is impossible he may speak quietly with his hostess, explain the situation and make special arrangements for food that he can eat. This is excusable if he is on a diet prescribed by a physician but not if he is simply expressing a fastidious preference. So many people are vegetarians nowadays that the hostess will make provision for them and she should in planning her menus consult the individual tastes of the guests who are under her roof.
Perhaps a guest is unwisely invited to a house-party where someone he or she particularly dislikes is also a guest. In this case it is a mark of extreme discourtesy to complain to the host or hostess, or in any way to show disrespect or dislike towards the other guest. To purposely ignore him or her, obviously to show one's prejudice, is very rude. It is most disconcerting to the host for either of them to show discontent or to leave the house ​party because of the unwelcome presence of the other. It is best for them to be formally courteous to each other and not in any way to interfere with the enjoyment of the other members of the house party or of the host and hostess who are responsible for it.
To return to the hostess, she has two very important duties—not to neglect her guests, but to provide them with ample amusement and entertainment, and again, not to weary them by too much attention. She may go out during the day if she pleases, either to visit friends or to do shopping, but she must always be at home for dinner. And she must not go out so often that the guests will begin to feel slighted.
The good-natured and hospitable host and hostess will put at the disposal of their guests their entire house and grounds, including their books, horses, cars, tennis courts and golf links. The duty of the guest is to avail himself of these privileges with delicacy, neither abusing them nor hesitating to use them at all. There are some guests who have a tact of perception, an ease and poise of manner, a savoir faire and calm, kind disposition that makes them welcome everywhere. They are never petty, never disagreeable, never quarrelsome, never grouchy. It is a pleasure to include them in the house party—and they are invariably included.
"TIPPING" THE SERVANTS
The question of feeing or "tipping" the servants has always been a puzzling one. It may be of advantage here to give an approximate idea of what the fees should be and to whom they should be given. Attending circumstances, of course, always govern the exact conditions. ​Very often guests, both men and women, unable to estimate correctly what amount is befitting the servants' services, tip lavishly and without any regard for services. This borders on the ostentatious, and hence, may be considered vulgar.
Here are the recognized tips expected of a single woman: for the maid who keeps her room in order, one dollar or a dollar and a half. (These figures are based on a period of a week's stay). If this maid has also helped the guest in her dressing, and preparing the bath for her, two or two and a half dollars are the customary fee. A tip of from one to two dollars must be given to the maid who waits on the guest at the table, and if a chauffeur takes her from and to the station, a dollar is his usual fee.
A bachelor is expected to be somewhat more generous with his tips. The boy who cleans and polishes his boots and shoes receives a fee of fifty or seventy-five cents. When a married couple is visiting, they usually divide the tips between them. The wife gives the maid a dollar or a dollar and a half, and the husband tips the men servants. The butler should receive two dollars at least, and if he has rendered many special services both to the man and his wife, he should undoubtedly receive two or three dollars more. On some occasions the cook is remembered, and the gentleman sends her a dollar or two in recognition of her culinary art. It must be remembered, however, that there are no established rules of tipping, and no precedent to go by. One must be guided by the extent of his income and by the services rendered.
One more word in closing this chapter. Not everyone can afford to give elaborate house parties. But this need not interfere with one's hospitality. The host or hostess who is discouraged from offering friends simple entertain​ment because of someone's else magnificent parties, should cease being discouraged and take pride and pleasure in the knowledge that they are entertaining their friends as hospitably as they can. To do a thing simply and sincerely is infinitely finer than to do a thing extravagantly merely for the sake of ostentation and display.
In homes where there are no servants the guests should take part in the work around the house unless the hostess shows distinctly that she prefers for them not to do it. After the visit the guest may send some little gift in appreciation of the hospitality enjoyed. A bit of household linen, a book, flowers, or candy are most appropriate. This is one case where an unsuitable gift is inexcusable for ample opportunity has been given the donor to study the needs and desires of the hostess.
Within ten days after her departure the guest should write a bread-and-butter letter to her hostess. This is simply a grateful expression of appreciation for the hospitality which she enjoyed during her visit. Great care should be taken to avoid stilted forms.