# Oration on the virtues of the old women, and the pride of the young

Humphray [sic] Clinker is a pseudonym.
ΑΝ
ORATION
ON THE
Virtues of the Old Women,
AND THE
Pride of the Young
Printed for the Company of Flying Stationers, in Town and Country.
MDCCXC.
An Oration on the Virtues of the Old Women, &c.
THE madneſs of this unmuzzled age has driven me to mountains of thoughts, and a continual meditation; It is enough to make an old wife rin redwood, and drive a body beyond the halter's end of ill-nature, to ſee what I ſee, and hear what I hear: Therefore the hinges of my anger are broke, and the bands of my good and mild nature are burſt in two, the door of civility is laid quite open, plain ſpeech and mild admonition is of none effect; nothing muſt be uſed now but thunderbolts of reproach tartly trimm'd in tantalizing ſtile, roughly redd up and manufactured thro' an old matron's mouth, who is indeed but frail in the teeth, but will ſqueeze ſurpriſingly with her auld gums until her very chaſt bleds crack in the cruſhing of your vice.
I ſhall branch out my diſcourſe in four heads;
Firſt, What I have ſeen, and been witneſs to.
Secondly, What I now ſee, and am witneſs to.
Thirdly, What I have heard, does hear, and cannot help; I mean the difference between the old women and the young.
Fourthly, Conclude with an advice to young men and young women how to avoid the buying of Janet Juniper's ſtinking butter, which will have a rotten rift on their ſtomach as long as they live.
Firſt, The firſt thing then, I ſee and obſerve is, That a when daft giddy-headed, cock-noſed, juniper-nebbed mothers, bring up a wheen ſky-racket dancing daughters, a' bred up to be ladies, without ſo much as the breadth of their luſe of land: it's an admiration to me where the lairds are a' to come frae that's to be coupled to them; work, na, na, my bairn muſt not work, ſhe's to be a lady, they ca' her miſs, I muſt have her ears bor'd, ſays all Mumps the mother; thus the poor pet is brought up like a motherleſs lamb, or a parrot in the cage; they learn ​nothing but to prick and ſew, and fling their feet when the fiddle plays, ſo they become a parcel of yellow-faced female taylors, unequal matches for countrymen, Flanders babies, brought up in a box, and muſt be carried in a baſket, knows nothing but pinching poverty, hunger and pride, can neither milk kye, muck a byre, card, ſpin, nor yet keep a cow from a corn-rig; the moſt of ſuch are as blind penny-worths, as buying pigs in pocks, and ought only to be matched with Tacket-makers, Tree-trimmers, and Male-taylors, that they may be male and female agreeable in trade, ſince their paper-faced fingers are not for hard labours; yet they might alſo paſs on a pinch for a black Sutor's wife, for the ſtitching of white ſeams round the mouth of a lady's ſhoe, or with Barbers or Bakers they might be buckled, becauſe of their muſlin-mouth and pinch-beck ſpeeches, when barm is ſcant they can blow up the bread with fair wind, and when the razor is rough, can trim their chafts with a fair tale, oil their peruke with her white lips, and powder the beaus pow with a French puff; they are well verſed in all the ſcience of flattery, muſical-tunes, horn-pipes, and country dances, tho' perfect in none but the reel of Gammon.
Yet theſe are they the fickle farmer fixes his fancy upon; a bundle of clouts, a ſkeleton of bones, Maggy and the mutch, like twa fir-ſticks and a pickle tow, neither for his plate nor his plow; very unproper pleniſhing, neither for his profit nor has pleaſure, to plout her hands thro' Hawkey's caff-cug is a hateful hardſhip for Manmy's pet, and will hack a' her bands. All this have I ſeen and heard, and been witneſs too, but my pen being a gooſe-quill, cannot expoſe their names nor places of abode, but warns the working men out of their way
Secondly, I ſee another ſort, that can work and maun work till they be married and become miſtreſs themſelves; but as the huſband receives them, the thrift leaves them; before that, they wrought as for a wager, they ſpan as for a premium, buſket as for a brag, ſcour'd their din ſkins as a wauker does worſted blankets, kept as a mim in the mouth as a ​miniſter's wife, comely as Diana, chaſte as Suſanna, yet the whole of their toil is the trimming of their rigging, tho' their hulls be everlaſtingly in a laking condition; their backs and their bellies are box'd about with the fins of a big fiſh, ſix petticoats, a gown, and apron, beſides a ſide ſark down to the anclebones, ah what monſtrous rags are here, what a cloth is conſumed for a covering of one pair of buttocks; I leave it to the judgement of any ten taylors in the town, if thirty pair of men's breeches may not be cut from a little above the eaſing of Beſſy's bum, and this makes her a motherly woman, as ſtately a fabric as even ſtrade to market or mill.
But when ſhe's married, ſhe turns a madam, her miſtreſs did not work much, and why ſhould ſhe? Her mother tell'd ay ſhe wad be a lady, but cou'd never ſhow where her lands lay; but when money is all ſpent, credit broken, and conduct out of keeping, a when babling bubly bairns crying piece ninny, porrech minny, the witleſs wanton waſter is at her wit's end. Work now or want, and do not ſay that the world has war'd you; but lofty Nodle, your giddy-headed mother has led you aſtray, by learning you to be a lady before you was fit to be a ſervant-laſs, by teaching you lazineſs inſtead of hard labour, by giving you ſuch a high conceit of yourſelf, that nobody thinks any thing of you now, and you may judge yourself to be one of thoſe that wiſe people call Little-worth; but after all, my dear dirty-face, when you begin the world again, be perfectly rich before you be gentle, work hard for what you gain, and you'll ken better how to guide it, for pride is an unperfect fortune, and a ludicrous life will not laſt long.
Another ſort I fee, who has got more ſilver than ſenſe, more gold than good nature, more muſlins and means than good manners; tho' a ſack can hold their ſilver, fix houſes and an half cannot contain their ambitious deſires. Fortunatus' wonderful purſe would fail in fetching in the forth part of their worldly wants, and the children imitate their mother's chattering like hungry Cranes, crying ſtill, I want, I want, ​ever craving, wilfully waſting, till all be brought to doleful diſh of deſolation, and with cleanneſs of teeth, a full breaſt, an empty belly, big pockets without pence, pinching penury, perfect poverty, drouth, hunger, want of money and friends both, old age, dim eyes, feeble joints, without ſhoes or cloaths, the real fruits of a bad marriage, which brings thoughtleſs Fops to both faith and repentance in one day.
Thirdly, Another thing I ſee, hear, and cannot help, is the breeding of bairns and bringing them up like bill-ſtirks, they gie them wealth of meat, but no manners; but when I was a bairn, if I did not bend to obedience, I ken myſel what I got, which learned me what to gi' mine again; if they had tell'd me tuts or prute-no, I laid them o'er my knee and a com'd crack for crack o'er their hurdies like a knock bleaching a harn-web, till the red wats ſtood on their hips, this brought obedience into my houſe, and baniſh'd dods and ill-nature out at the door; I dang the de'il lo' them, and dadded them like a wet diſh clout till they did my bidding: But now the bairns are brought up to ſpit fire in their mithers' face, and caſt dirt at their auld daddies; How can they be good who never ſaw a ſample of it? or reverence old age, who practiſed no precepts in their youth? How can they Jove their parents who gave them black poiſon inſtead of good principles? Who ſhewed them no good, nor taught them no duties? No marvel ſuch children deſpiſe old age, and reverence their parents as an old horfe does his father.
Fourthly, The laſt prevailing evil which I ſee, all men may hear, but none ſtrive to help, the baniſhment of that noble holy-day, called the Sabbath, which has been blaſted by a whirl-wind from the ſouth; I am yet alive, who ſaw this hurricane coming thro' the walled city near Solway in the South; it being on a Sunday, and a beautiful ſun-ſhine day amangſt ſome foul weeks in harveſt weather, which cauſed the Lord Mayor of that place work hard and put in the whole fields of wheat harveſt, and the prieſts of that church commended him therefore, becauſe the leaſon was ​backward, why ſhould not men be diſobedient? And this infection is come here alſo, ſurely the loſs of this Sabbath-day will he counted a black Saturday to ſome when I walk in the fields, I know it not but by the ſtopping of the plow, when in the city only by the cloſſneſs of a few ſhop-doors and the ſound of the bells degenerate ideas of religion indeed ! when the high praiſe is founded only by bell metal. A ſounding braſſ and a tinkling cymbal, is it not come to paſs, the tavern roar like AEtna's mouth; children follow their gaming, and old ſinners their ſtrolling about, nothing ſtop but coal-carts and common carriers, tee Sabbath laſts no longer than the ſermon, and the ſermon is meaſured by a little ſand in a glaſs! many, too many frequent the church, ſeemingly only to ſhow their anticdreſs, with heads of a monſtrous form, more ſurpriſing than thoſe deſcribed by Ariſtotle, as for length exceeding that of an aſſes head, ears and all, and ah how humbling would it be to ſee their heads ſtruck into ſuch forms, &c.
They diſdain now to ride on pads as of old, or to be hobled on a horſe's hurdies, but muſt be hurled behind the tail, ſafely ſeated in a leather conveniency; and there they fly ſwiftly as in the chariot of Aminadab.
They will not ſpeak the mother language of their native country, but muſt have ſouthren oaths, refined like raw ſugar thro' the mills of curſing, finely poliſhed and fairly ſtruck in the profane mint of London, into a perfect form of flunkey-language; even the very wild Arabs from the mountain tops, who have not yet got Engliſh to profane his Maker's name, will cry Cot, Cot; hateful it is to hear them ſwear, who cannot ſpeak, O! ſtrange alteration ſince the days of old, the downfal of Popery and the Prelates decay, when reformation was alive, and religion in taſte and faſhion; the people during the Sabbath, were all packed up in cloſets, and their children kept within doors, when every city appeared as a ſanctuary, nothing to be heard in the ſtreets but the ſound of prayer on the right hand, and the melodious ſound of pſalms on the left.
​Now is the days of counting, fcribing, riding of horſes, and the ſound of the poſt-horn come; ſurely there will be trade now, and none will miſs proſperity, when every day is fair; I add no more on this head, but eery one claim a right to his own ſet time, &c.
Another grievance of the female offenders I cannot mit, which attracts man's fancy and is the cauſe of his fall; I mean Flighters who have got a little of the mears of Mammon, more ſilver than ſenſe, more gold than good nature, haughtineſs for humility, value themſelves as a treaſure incomprehenſible, their heads and heart of Ophir-gold, their hips of ſilver, and their whole body as ſet about with precious ſtones, great and many are the congreſſes of their courtſhip, and the ſolemnizing of their marriage is like the concluſion of a peace after a bloody and tedious war.
And what is ſhe after all, yea her poor penny will never be exhauſted, it muſt be laid out in lunacy and lazineſs, ſhe muſt have teas and the tuther thing : when pregnancy and the ſpueing of porich approaches, then ſhe prophecies of her death; as ſhe hatches life, ſhe embraces lazineſs; then O the bed, the bed, nothing like the bed for a bad wife; her body becomes as par-boil'd being ſo bed-ridden, this rots their children in the brewing, and buries them in the bringing up, yea ſome mothers are ſo beaſtly, as to water the bed and blame the child therefore; yet ſuch lazy wives I've long, and their children ſoon die; their far fetched feigned ſickneſs ſoon render the huſband to the ſubſtance of one ſixpence, he becomes poor and heneck't under ſuch petticoat government.
But when I Janet was a Janet and had the judgement of my own houſe, my huſband was thrice happy, never held him down, he was above me day and night, I ſat late and roſe early, kept a full houſe and ough back, when ſummer came we minded winter's auld, we had peace aye at porich-time, and harmony thro' the day, we ſupp'd our ſowens at ſupper-time with a ſeaſonable heat, and went to bed good bairns, end naething but ſtark love and kindneſs, we wrought or riches, and our age and earthly ſtores increaſed ​alike, we hated pride and loved peace, he died with good name, I let you ken I live, but not as many do not ſo lordly of my brain as ſome are of their belly and was not my life ſtrange by that new practiſed Come help yourſelves you hillokat livers and avoid it.
Now aftar all, if a poor man want a perfect wife let him wale a well-blooded hiſſie, wi' bread ſhoulders and thick about the haunches, that has been lang ſervant in ae houſe, tho' twice or thrice away and aye ſied back, that's well liked by the bairns and the bairns' mither, that's nae way cankard to the cats nor kicks the colley-dogs amang her feet, that was let a' brute beaſts live, but rats, mice, lice, flaes, neet and bugs, that bites the wee bairns in their cradles that carefully combs the young things' heads, waſhe their faces and claps their cheeks, ſnites the ſnotte frae their noſe as they were a' her ain, that's the laſ that will make a good wife, for them that dauts the young bairns will ay be kind to auld fouks an they had them.
And ony hale hearted wholeſome hiſſie that want to halter a good huſband, never take a widow's ae fo for a' the wifely gates in the warld will be in him, ſo want of a father to teach him manly actions ; neither take a fourlooking ſumſ wila muckle mouth, and a wide guts, who will eat like a horſe and ſoſs like a ſow ſuffer none to ſup but himſelf, eat your meat and the bairns' baith; when hungry angry, when fu' full o pride, ten ſecks will not hold his ſauce, though a pea ſhap will hold his ſilver: But go take your chance, and if cheated chaner not on me, for faſhionable folk flee to faſhionable things, for luſt is brutiſh blind, and fond love is blear eye'd. I add no more, ſays Janet to be it, ſaid Humphray the Clerk.
FINIS.
This work was published before January 1, 1929, and is in the public domain worldwide because the author died at least 100 years ago.
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