# Diamonds To Sit On/Chapter 34

Contents
CHAPTER XXXIV
THE INTERPLANETARY CHESS CONGRESS
AT an early hour a tall old man in gold pince-nez and boots splashed with paint was going round the town of Vassuki pasting notices on the walls. The placards were written in a large bold hand.
A LECTURE
AND
SIMULTANEOUS CHESS DISPLAY ON 160 BOARDS
WILL TAKE PLACE ON
JUNE 22nd, 1927
IN THE
CARDBOARD WORKERS' CLUB-ROOM
BY THE
"Champion':' Ostap Bender
All Players Should Brinc Their Own Chess-Boards
| Players | 50 copecks |
| Admission for Spectators | 20 copecks |
| The Display Commences at 6 p.m. prompt |
| "Administrator:" K. Michaelson |
The champion chess-player had lost no time. He had hired the club for three roubles and then went to the chess section where he found a man with one eye, reading a novel by Spielhagen.
'I am the chess champion, Ostap Bender,' he said as he perched himself on a corner of the table. 'I'm arranging a chess display here.'
The single eye of the Vassuki chess-player opened wide.
'One moment, comrade,' he said. 'Sit down, please. I'll be back in a minute.' ​DIAMONDS TO SIT ON
220
1 out of the room, and while he was out Bender looked round the chess section. There were photoreport on rlipS with the title : ' Achievements of the Vassuki Chess Section for the year 1925.’ the chess section returned with a dozen 5 of various ages. They each came up to Bender, with hta themselves, and respectfuUy shook hands said Bender briefly, IS to-night. Please excuse me ’■^ther tired after the Carlsbad tournament.’ chess-players listened to him with awe, and Bender was in his element. He felt an access of into hirhead “numerable ideas about chess came ‘ nnw
You simply wouldn’t believe me,’ he said ‘if I ’'fr l-elopments there Ire tLse da^^■ H r?"" impossible to play with Lasker tnese days. He does nothing but puff his ciear in
wnri? ^^^tly unpleasant. I can assure you the chess world is very disturbed about his behaviour ’ ‘ Now^S°??“ to more local themes. Take voiir rh chess in the provinces ? c;dHf your chess section, for instance. Why do you 1 It a section .? That’s dull, my friends whv not eive some typically chess name ? You’d gTfar mire SS’tt"‘‘ The FoS
hIs
sounds well, doesn’t it ? ’ ”“®t with success. said some^of the^m section a new name ? ’ supppqK
short Meeting S wV tt^oy held a section was relamed^^Ti r “ presided and the The champions use?th?r ^^’g^ts’Chess Club p men used the knowledge he had gained ​THE INTERPLANETARY CHESS CONGRESS 221 on board the Scriabin. He drew a sign for them on which four knights appeared and an appropriate motto. ‘ Chess,’ continued Bender. ‘ Do you know what chess is ? It not only helps culture forward, but economics also. Do you reahze that your ‘ Chess Club of the Four Knights ’, if it were properly organized, could completely revolutionize the town of Vassuki ? ’ Bender had not eaten anything since the previous day, and as a result he was unusually eloquent. ‘ Yes ! ’ he shouted, ‘ chess enriches a country. If you agree to my project, then you wiU have marble steps to your landing-stage and Vassuki will be the capital city of ten provinces. Now, whoever heard of Semmering before the international tournament was held there ? And now it is both rich and famous. Therefore I say to you, we must arrange an inter­ national chess tournament in Vassuki.’ ‘ How ? ’ they all shouted. ‘ It is quite an easy matter,’ said the champion. ' My personal connexions and your self-confidence are aU that is necessary to organize an international Vassuki tournament. Capablanca, Lasker, Alekhine, Nimzowitsch, Boguljubow, Rubinstein, Maroczi, Tarrasch, Vidmar, and Doctor Grigoriev will most certainly come here. And I too promise you my support.’ ‘ But how shall we get the money ? ’ groaned the Vassuki citizens. ‘ They’ll want to be paid. Why, it would cost thousands ! ’ ‘ The money would be forthcoming.’ ‘ But the citizens couldn’t pay the money.’ ‘ What do you mean ? The citizens won’t be asked to pay any money. They will receive money. It’s quite simple. A tournament where such stars are taking part will attract chess-lovers from all corners of the earth. Hundreds of thousands of wealthy people will stream into Vassuki until the river transport will not be able to cope with the number of passengers. A ​222
DIAMONDS TO SIT ON
iiave to be built between Moscow and Vassuki, and hotels and skyscrapers will spring up to accommodate the visitors. There will be an enor­ mous agricultural development within a radius of a thousand miles, for the visitors wiU have to be supphed m caviare, and chocolates. A palace tournament and garages will have to be built for the visitors’ motor-cars. A powerful radio station will have to be erected so as to announce the results to the whole world. The Moscow-Vassuki railway line wiU not be able to cope with the number of people who will want to come here. We shaU have to create an aeroport with a regular service of aeroplanes to aU comers of the earth, including Los Angeks and Melbourne. Don’t be afraid ! My%cheme prTmSs an amazing development to your town. Picture to yourselves what will happen when the tournament is over and the visitors depart. The citizens of Moscow suffering as they are from a housing shortage, will flock to your magnificent town, and automatically Vassuki wfl become the capital of Russia. The GovemmeS wiU move to Vassuki. Vassuki will cease to be VasS Moscow, while Moscow will be called Old Vassuki. The citizens of Kharkov and £h M but they will Vas?uki ^^
become the most fashionthe whole world I ’ of
Yes, of the whole world,’ continued Bender ‘and subsequently of the whole universe. Chess that has converted a humble provincial town into a world Sout th^d?®""”® an applied science which wiU bring Signals wm^he /Tf°^ mterplanetary communication! signals will be sent from Vassuki to Mars, Tupiter and £ C°®“ouication with Venus will be ealer thn to Moscow. And ?hen -who knows ?-perhaps in eight years’ time,?here 5 ​THE INTERPLANETARY CHESS CONGRESS 223 be an interplanetary chess congress in Vassuki, the first in the history of creation.’ Bender mopped his noble brow. He was so hungry that he would have gladly eaten a roasted pawn. ‘Yes,’ said the one-eyed man as he looked round the room, ‘ but how can we bring your theory into practice ? How can we, so to speak, find a basis for your structure ? ’ The members gazed at Bender. ‘ The practical side of the question depends entirely on your own self-confidence. I repeat, I will take the whole of the organization on to my own shoulders. There is absolutely no material expenditure required except, of course, for a few telegrams.’ Then he continued : ‘ Well, what do you say ? ’ ‘ We’ll do it! We’ll do it! ’ shouted the citizens. ‘ How much money do you want for the telegrams ? ’ ‘ A paltry sum,’ said Bender—‘ a hundred roubles.’ ‘ We’ve only twenty-one roubles and sixteen copecks in our cash.’ But the champion said : ‘ That’s all right. Give me the twenty roubles.’ ‘ Is that enough ? ’ asked the man with one eye. ‘ It win do for the present,’ said Bender. ‘ It will do for the first few telegrams; and after that volun­ tary contributions will simply pour in. Why, we shan’t know what to do with the money.’ He put the money into his pocket, reminded his audience of the lecture and simultaneous chess display on one hundred and sixty boards, bade them an amiable farewell, and left them staring after him. He went to the Cardboard Workers’ Club, where he met Hippolyte. ‘ I’m dying of hunger,’ said Hippolyte, almost weeping. He was sitting at the cash desk, but he had not sold a single ticket and he had not been able to buy himself a crumb.
4 ​224
DIAMONDS TO SIT ON
your cash operations for an hour or so and let us go and dine. 111 explain the situation on the way. You look an absolute tramp, and a champion cannot have such suspicious-looking friends. You must have a shave and brush-up.’ ‘ I haven’t sold a single ticket.’ Never mind. They’ll all flock in this evening. The town has already contributed twenty roubles towards an international chess tournament.’ . Then why must we have this simultaneous display this evening ? You may lose, whereas with twenty roubles we can get our tickets. The steamer Aar/ 7'^ ex ™ and we can travel in peace to Stalingrad and wait there for the theatre company. Perhaps we’ll manage to get hold of the chairs, open them, and then you and I will be rich men.’ You shouldn’t talk such nonsense on an empty stomach,’ said Bender. * It has a negative effect on the brain We might get as far as Stalingrad on twenty roubles, but who’ll pay for our food ? Vitamins, my dear friend, are not given out gratis to any one. But we may be able to pluck some thirty roubles from these generous citizens of Vassuki.’ But they 11 beat you,’ said Hippolyte bitterly Yes, there’s a risk,’ said Bender. ‘ They may even beat your face in. Still, I have one little idea that may save you, but about that later. Meantime let’s go and sample the local dishes.’ + evening the champion came up to the cash desk at the club. He had had a good meal He was shaved and he smelt of eau-de-Cologne. Hip?,-Who was also feeling and looking much better, was doing a brisk trade with the tickets quieti^ champion
repM Hyotyte"
Sixteen roubles. That’s not much.’
players,’ ​THE INTERPLANETARY CHESS CONGRESS 225
‘ But look at the queue I What are you thinking about ? Of course you’ll be beaten.’ ' Don’t you worry your head about that. We can talk about that later. Meantime attend to your business.’ An hour later there were thirty-five roubles in the till. The pubhc in the club-room was growing excited. ‘ Now, shut the cash desk. Hand over the money, and listen to me. Here are five roubles. Go to the landing-stage, hire a boat for two hours, and wait for me by the shore a httle beyond the warehouse. You and I will then go for a row somewhere about mid­ night. And, whatever you do, don’t worry about me, for I’m in very good form.’ The champion walked into the club-room. He was feehng very pleased with himself, for he knew that his first move P—K4 did not present any difficulty. He was very hazy about the other moves, but that did not disturb the great schemer. He knew how to save himself even in the most difficult situation. The champion was met with applause. The room had been decorated with a number of multi-coloured paper flags left over from a party held by the Life Saving Society. Bender bowed, held up his hand to check the ap­ plause, and walked on to the platform. ' Comrades ! ’ he said in an eloquent voice. ‘ Com­ rades and chess brothers ! The subject of my lecture to-day is the same as the lecture I delivered a week ago in Nizhni-Novgorod, not without considerable success, if I may say so. The subject of my address is “ The Fruitful Idea ”. Now, comrades, what is an idea ? An idea is human thought expressed in a logical chess form. With almost negligible talent you can gain a mastery over the whole of the chess-board. Every­ thing depends on the separate individual. For instance look at that fair man over there in the third row. Let us assume that he plays well----- ’ 15 ​226
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The fair man in the third row blushed scarlet there. Let us suppose that he plays badly----- ’ The audience craned their necks and stared at the dark man. What do we see ? We see that the fair-haired man plays well and the dark-haired man plays badly and no amount of lectures will alter those facts unless each separate individual has constant practice in draughts—er—I mean in chess. And now, comrades, I will give you a few helpful stories from the experiences of our respected hyper-moderns Capablanca, Lasker, and Doctor Grigoriev.’ Bender told the audience a few very well-known anecdotes and then concluded his speech, XV slightly surprised at the brevity of the lectur^ and the one-eyed head of the chess section looked at Bender suspiciously. The chess display began. Thirty amateur players sat down to play and faced the champion. Many of them were very nervous and kept diving into xK ^he aid of which they hoped that the champion would not beat them before the twentysecond move. Bender glanced at the players, went up to the first board and moved the king’s pawn P—K4. The P immediately clapped his hands over his ears and began to concentrate, while the row of amateurs whi^ered along the line that the champion had moved r K4. Bender did not favour his opponents with a vanety of moves, but made the same move on each of the twenty-nine other boards. One after another the plunged into deep thought and the spectators watched the champion with ^“^teur photographer in the town had clambered on to a chair, and was about to set light to furiously, and, interruptmg his play, shouted in a loud ​THE INTERPLANETARY CHESS CONGRESS 227
angry voice : ' Turn that photographer out 1 He is disturbing my thoughts 1 ’ ‘ Why should I leave a record of myself in this absurd place ? ’ he thought to himself ; ‘ and I don’t want to be associated with the militia.’ ‘ Sh ! ’ said the indignant players, and the photo­ grapher was forced to give up the idea of taking a photograph of the champion. The indignation was so great that he was turned out of the room. At the third move it was quite clear that the cham­ pion was playing the Ruy Lopez on eighteen boards and was adopting a rather obsolete but fairly good reply to Philidor defence on the other twelve. Had Bender known that he was playing such intricate games, he would have been most surprised, for the fact of the matter was that the great schemer was playing chess for the second time in his life. At first the players were terrified of the champion. The dark-haired man felt hke giving in, but with a great effort of will he forced himself to continue the game, and five minutes later a cloud gathered on the horizon.
Bender had sacrificed piece after piece. ‘ Mate, Comrade Champion.’ Bender analysed the situation and haughtily con­ gratulated the young man on his victory. ' Time to get out,’ he thought as he moved from board to board carelessly moving the pieces without thinking.
said one of the players. ‘ The knight doesn’t move hke that.’ ‘ Pardon ! Pardon ! ’ said Bender hastily. ' My mistake. I’m rather tired after my lecture.’ Within the next ten minutes the champion had lost another ten games. Cries of astonishment were heard in the chess club. ​228
DIAMONDS TO SIT ON
The conflict was ripening, for Bender lost fifteen games one after the other, and after that three more The last player left was the one-eyed head of the chess section, who had made a number of mistakes at the beginning, but was now bringing the game to a trium­ phant end. Without any of the others noticing what he was doing. Bender took one of the pieces from the board and slipped it into his pocket. The crowd surged round the two players. My knight was standing here a minute ago and now it s gone I shouted the one-eyed player. it means that it wasn’t here before 1 retorted Bender rudely. What d’you mean it wasn’t here before ? I know it was here.
Well? Where’s it gone to ? Did you win it ? ’ 1 Old. ‘ When ? Which move ? ’ Tf X unnecessary talk about the knight ? If you want to give up the game, then say so.’ thp me comrade, but I have made a note of aU my ^i^ht! ’ " disgusting! Give me back Will you or will you not give up the game ? ’
champion saw it was no good delavhandM of pieci and flung them at his opponent. doing°S"m^! ’ ’ ‘ he’s
Ji?!:
anri
chess-players were dumbfounded. hur ltime. Bender of Sss and iT <=rnsh Ben&ashed IntnTK™ ^^^kness. plavSs iojX K Vassuki chesshim in hot pursuit furiously, rushed out after ​THE INTERPLANETARY CHESS CONGRESS 239
It was a moonlight night. Bender was flying down the street like an angel shaking the dust of this wicked world from his feet. ' Stop him ! Catch him ! ’ yelled the crowd. ‘ Stop thief ! ’ they shouted. ‘ Help 1 Help ! ’ shouted the one-eyed chess-player. Bender ran down to the edge of the river, turned to the right, and feverishly searched for Hippolyte and the boat. Hippolyte was there. Bender jumped into the boat and began to row wildly out from the shore, and a minute later a shower of stones fell on them. The chess-players were pelting them from the shore. A stone hit Hippolyte’s face, just an inch above his boil. He ducked, tried to hide his head, and began to moan. ‘ What a coward ! ’ said Bender. ‘ My head has nearly been torn from my shoulders, but I’m still happy and bright. And if you take into account that we’ve got fifty roubles clear profit then we’ve not done so badly.’ Meanwhile the chess-players had realized that the plan of transforming Vassuki into New Moscow had crashed and that the chess champion was disappearing with fifty roubles belonging to the town. They jumped into a large boat and rapidly pulled out into the middle of the river, shouting threats across the water. There were about thirty of them in the boat, for each of them wanted to have a personal reckoning with the champion. The one-eyed man was in command of the expedition. ' Come on. Pussy; if you don’t pull more rapidly they’ll overtake us, and I shan’t be able to vouch for either of us.’ Both boats were going downstream and the distance between them was rapidly diminishing. Bender’s strength was beginning to give out. ‘ You cheat! ’ the chess-players shouted. ‘ You’re not going to escape us ! ’ ​230
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Bender had no time to argue with them and he conhnued to row frantically, but Hippolyte was in despair, lhe enemy were almost upon them and were trying to force the champion’s boat into the shore. A sad fate was m store for the chess swindlers. The yassuki players rejoiced and moved over to the right side of their boat, ready to hurl themselves on Bender as soon as they came level with him. ‘ Take care of your glasses ! ’ shouted Bender, as be threw an oar overboard. ‘ We’re in for it! ' ■' Bender. ‘ you’re surely not going to beat us ? Indeed we are ! ’ shouted the chess-players, getting ready to jump into the other boat. But at that ™o™ent their own boat lurched over on to its right side and a rush of water came into the boat. Steady there I ’ shouted the one-eyed captain. M amateurs had crowded Vassuki dreadnought that the centre of gravity was displaced, and, in complete There was a wail of despair as thirty amateur chessf water. They rapidly came up to the surface again, and one after another tried to scramble on to the overturned boat. thp ! ' shouted Bender. ‘ ^y don’t you beat ^champion? Wasn’t that your original intention ? W, I could drown you one by one, but I will ^r hves. Go on living, citizens, only don’t ?°Pi ""hess ! You simply don t know the first rules of the game. Poor fools I Come along, Hippolyte, we must be going. Good-bve' ceSr?Sfthe7‘ ’ ^^^suki will not become the centre of the universe. I do not think the international idiots, not eve™S you egged them on your knees. Good-bye my friends Three cheers for the " The Four Knights’Che^ciub H: