# The Awkward Age (New York: Harper and Brothers, 1899)/Book 7/Chapter 24

BOOK SEVENTH
MITCHY
XXIV
Mr. Longdon's garden took in three acres and, full of charming features, had for its greatest wonder the extent and color of its old brick wall, of which the pink and purple surface was the fruit of the mild ages, and the protective function, for a visitor strolling, sitting, talking, reading, that of a sort of nurse of reverie. The air of the place, in the August time, thrilled all the while with the bliss of birds, the hum of little lives unseen and the flicker of white butterflies. It was on the large, flat enclosed lawn that Nanda spoke to Vanderbank of the three weeks that she would have completed there on the morrow and that had been—she made no secret of it—the happiest she had yet spent anywhere. The grayish day was soft and still and the sky faintly marbled, while the more newly arrived of the visitors from London, who had come late on the Friday afternoon, lounged away the morning in an attitude of which every relaxed line referred to the holiday he had, as it were—at first merely looking about and victualling—sat down in front of as a captain before a city. There were sitting-places, just there, out of the full light, cushioned benches in the thick wide spread of old mulberry boughs. A large book of facts lay in the young man's lap, and Nanda had come out to him, half an hour before luncheon, somewhat as ​Beatrice came out to Benedick: not to call him immediately, indeed, to the meal, but mentioning promptly that she had come at a bidding. Mr. Longdon had rebuked her, it appeared, for her want of attention to their guest, showing her in this way, to her pleasure, how far he had gone toward taking her, as he called it, into the house. "You've been thinking of yourself," Vanderbank asked, "as a mere clerk at a salary, and you now find that you're a partner and have a share in the concern?"
"It seems to be something like that. But doesn't a partner put in something? What have I put in?"
"Well—me, for one thing. Isn't it your being here that has brought me down?"
"Do you mean you wouldn't have come for him alone? Then don't you make anything of his attraction? You ought to," said Nanda, "when he likes you so."
Vanderbank, longing for a river, was in white flannels, and he took her question with a happy laugh, a handsome face of good-humor, that completed the effect of his long, cool fairness. "Do you mind my just sitting still, and letting me smoke, and staying with me awhile? Perhaps after a little we'll walkabout—sha'n't we? But face to face with this dear old house, in this jolly old nook, one is too contented to move, lest raising a finger even should break the spell. What will be perfect will be your just sitting down—do sit down—and scolding me a little. That, my dear Nanda, will deepen the peace." Some minutes later, while, near him but in another chair, she fingered the impossible book, as she pronounced it, that she had taken from him, he came back to what she had last said. "Has he talked to you much about his 'liking' me?"
Nanda waited a minute, turning over the book. "No."
"Then how are you just now so struck with it?"
"I'm not struck only with what I'm talked to about. I don't only know," she went on, "what people tell me."
​"Ah no—you're too much your mother's daughter for that!" Vanderbank leaned back and smoked, and though all his air seemed to say that when one was so at ease for gossip almost any subject would do, he kept jogging his foot with the same small nervous motion as during the half-hour at Mertle that this record has commemorated. "You're too much one of us all," he continued. "We've tremendous perceptions," he laughed. "Of course I should have come for him. But after all," he added as if all sorts of nonsense would equally serve, "he mightn't, except for you, you know, have asked me."
Nanda so far accepted this view as to reply: "That's awfully weak. He's so modest that he might have been afraid of your boring yourself."
"That's just what I mean."
"Well, if you do," Nanda returned, "the explanation's a little conceited."
"Oh, I only made it," Vanderbank said, "in reference to his modesty." Beyond the lawn the house was before him, old, square, red-roofed, well assured of its right to the place it took up in the world. This was a considerable space—in the little world, at least, of Beccles—and the look of possession had everywhere mixed with it, in the form of old windows and doors, the tone of old red surfaces, the style of old white facings, the age of old high creepers, the long confirmation of time. Suggestive of panelled rooms, of precious mahogany, of portraits of women dead, of colored china glimmering through glass doors, and delicate silver reflected on bared tables, the thing was one of those impressions of a particular period that it takes two centuries to produce. "Fancy," the young man incoherently exclaimed, "his caring to leave anything so lovable as all this to come up and live with us!"
he girl, for a little, also lost herself. "Oh, you don't know what it is—the charm comes out so as one stays. ​Little by little it grows and grows. There are old things everywhere that are too delightful. He lets me explore so—he lets me rummage and rifle; and every day I make discoveries."
Vanderbank wondered as he smoked. "You mean he lets you take things—?"
"Oh yes—up to my room, to study or to copy. There are old patterns that are too dear for anything. It's when you live with them, you see, that you know. Everything in the place is such good company."
"Your mother ought to be here," Vanderbank presently suggested. "She's so fond of good company." Then as Nanda answered nothing he went on: "Was your grandmother ever?"
"Never," the girl promptly said. "Never," she repeated in a tone quite different. After which she added: "I'm the only one."
"Oh, and I. 'Me and you,' as they say," her companion amended.
"Yes, and Mr. Mitchy, who's to come down—please don't forget—this afternoon."
Vanderbank had another of his contemplative pauses. "Thank you for reminding me. I shall spread myself as much as possible before he comes—try to produce so much of my effect that I shall be safe. But what did Mr. Longdon ask him for?"
"Ah," said Nanda gaily, "what did he ask you for?"
"Why, for the reason you just now mentioned—that his interest in me is so uncontrollable."
"Then isn't his interest in Mitchy—"
"Of the same general order?" Vanderbank broke in. "Not in the least." He seemed to look for a way to express the distinction, which suddenly occurred to him. "He wasn't in love with Mitchy's mother."
"No"—Nanda turned it over. "Mitchy's mother, it appears, was awful. Mr. Cashmore knew her."
​Vanderbank's smoke-puffs were profuse and his pauses frequent. "Awful to Mr. Cashmore? I'm glad to hear it—he must have deserved it. But I believe in her, all the same. Mitchy's often awful himself," the young man rambled on. "Just so I believe in him."
"So do I," said Nanda—"and that's why I asked him."
"You asked him, my dear child? Have you the inviting?"
"Oh yes."
The eyes he turned on her seemed really to ask if she jested or were serious. "So you arranged for me too?"
She turned over again a few leaves of his book and, closing it with something of a clap, transferred it to the bench beside him—a movement in which, as if through a drop into thought, he rendered her no assistance. "What I mean is that I proposed it to Mr. Longdon, I suggested he should be asked. I've a reason for seeing him—I want to talk to him. And do you know," the girl went on, "what Mr. Longdon said?"
"Something splendid, of course."
"He asked if you wouldn't perhaps dislike his being here with you."
Vanderbank, throwing back his head, laughed, smoked, jogged his foot more than ever. "Awfully nice. Dear old Mitch! How little afraid of him you are!"
Nanda wondered. "Of Mitch?"
"Yes, of the tremendous pull he really has. It's all very well to talk—he has it. But of course I don't mean I don't know"—and, as with the effect of his nervous sociability, he shifted his position. "I perfectly see that you're not afraid. I perfectly know what you have in your head. I should never in the least dream of accusing you—as far as he is concerned—of the least disposition to flirt; any more indeed," Vanderbank pleasantly pursued, "than even of any general tendency of that sort. No, my dear Nanda"—he kindly kept it up—"I ​will say for you that, though, a girl, thank Heaven, and awfully much a girl, you're really not, on the whole, more of a flirt than a respectable social ideal permits."
"Thank you most tremendously," his companion quietly replied.
Something in the tone of it made him laugh out, and the particular sound went well with all the rest of it, with the August day and the charming spot and the young man's lounging figure and Nanda's own little hovering hospitality. "Of course I strike you as patronizing you with unconscious sublimity. Well, that's all right, for what's the most natural thing to do in these conditions but the most luxurious? Won't Mitchy be wonderful for feeling and enjoying them? I assure you I'm delighted he's coming." Then, in a different tone, a moment later, "Do you expect to be here long?" he asked.
It took Nanda some time to say, "As long as Mr. Longdon will keep me, I suppose—if that doesn't sound very horrible."
"Oh, he'll keep you! Only, won't he himself," Vanderbank went on, "be coming up to town in the course of the autumn?"
"Well, in that case I would perfectly stay here without him."
"And leave him in London without you? Ah, that's not what we want: he wouldn't be at all the same thing without you. Least of all for himself!" Vanderbank declared.
Nanda again thought. "Yes, that's what makes him funny, I suppose—his curious infatuation. I set him off—what do you call it?—show him off: by his going round and round me as the acrobat on the horse, in the circus, goes round the clown. He has said a great deal to me of your mother," she irrelevantly added.
"Oh, everything that's kind, of course—or you wouldn't mention it."
​"That's what I mean," said Nanda.
"I see, I see—most charming of him." Vanderbank kept his high head thrown back, as if for the view, with a bright, equal, general interest, of everything that was before them, whether talked of or seen. "Who do you think I yesterday had a letter from? An extraordinary funny one from Harold. He gave me all the family news."
"And what is the family news?" the girl after a minute inquired.
"Well, the first great item is that he himself—"
"Wanted," Nanda broke in, "to borrow five pounds of you? I say that," she added, "because if he wrote to you—"
"It couldn't have been, in such a case, for the simple pleasure of the intercourse?" Vanderbank hesitated, but continued not to look at her. "What do you know, pray, of poor Harold's borrowings?"
"Oh, I know as I know other things. Don't I know everything?"
"Do you? I should rather ask," the young man gaily enough replied.
"Why should I not? How should I not? You know what I know." Then, as if to explain herself and attenuate a little the sudden emphasis with which she had spoken: "I remember you once telling me that I must take in things at my pores."
Her companion stared, but, with his laugh, again changed his posture. "That you 'must'—?"
"That I do— and you were quite right."
"And when did I make this extraordinary charge?"
"Ah then," said Nanda, "you admit it is a charge. It was a long time ago—when I was a little girl. Which made it worse!" she dropped.
It made it, at all events, now, for Vanderbank, more amusing. "Ah, not worse—better!"
​She thought a moment. "Because in that case I mightn't have understood? But that I do understand is just what you've always meant."
"'Always,' my dear Nanda? I feel somehow," he rejoined very kindly, "as if you overwhelmed me!"
"You 'feel' as if I did—but the reality is just that I don't. The day I overwhelm you, Mr. Van—!" She let that pass, however; there was too much to say about it, and there was something else much simpler. "Girls understand now. It has got to be faced, as Tishy says."
"Oh well," Vanderbank laughed, "we don't require Tishy to point that out to us. What are we all doing, most of the time, but trying to face it?"
"Doing? Aren't you doing rather something very different? You're just trying to dodge it. You're trying to make believe—not perhaps to yourselves, but to us—that it isn't so."
"But surely you don't want us to be any worse!"
She shook her head with brisk gravity. "We don't care really what you are."
His amusement now dropped to her straighter. "Your 'we' is awfully beautiful. It's charming to hear you speak for the whole lovely lot. Only you speak, you know, as if you were just the class apart that you yet complain of our—by our scruples—implying you to be."
She considered this objection with her eyes on his face. "Well then, we do care. Only—"
"Only it's a big subject."
"Oh, yes—no doubt; it's a big subject." She appeared to wish to meet him on everything reasonable. "Even Mr. Longdon admits that."
Vanderbank wondered. "You mean you talk over with him—"
"The subject of girls? Why, we scarcely discuss anything else."
"Oh, no wonder, then, you're not bored. But you ​mean," Vanderbank asked, "that he recognizes the inevitable change—?"
"He can't shut his eyes to the facts. He sees we're quite a different thing."
"I dare say"—her friend was fully appreciative. "Yet the old thing—what do you know of it?"
"I personally? Well, I've seen some change even in my short life. And aren't the old books full of us? Then Mr. Longdon himself has told me."
Vanderbank smoked and smoked. "You've gone into it with him?"
"As far as a man and a woman can together."
As he took her in at this, with a turn of his eye, he might have had in his ears the echo of all the times it had been dropped in Buckingham Crescent that Nanda was "wonderful." She was indeed. "Oh, he's of course, on certain sides, shy."
"Awfully—too beautifully. And then there's Aggie," the girl pursued. "I mean for the real old thing."
"Yes, no doubt—if she be the real old thing. But what the deuce, really, is Aggie?"
"Well," said Nanda with the frankest interest, "she's a miracle. If one could be her exactly, absolutely, without the least little mite of change, one would probably do the best thing to close with it. Otherwise—except for anything but that—I'd rather brazen it out as myself."
There fell between them, on this, a silence of some minutes, after which it would probably not have been possible for either to say if their eyes had met while it lasted. This was, at any rate, not the case as Vanderbank at last exclaimed: "Your brass, my dear young lady, is pure gold!"
"Then it's of me, I think, that Harold ought to borrow."
"You mean therefore that mine isn't?" Vanderbank inquired.
​"Well, you really haven't any natural 'cheek'—not like some of them. You're, in yourself, as uneasy, if anything's said and every one giggles or makes some face, as Mr. Longdon, and if Lord Petherton hadn't once told me that a man hates almost as much to be called modest as a woman does, I would say that, very often, in London now, you must pass some bad moments."
The present might precisely have been one of them, we should doubtless have gathered, had we seen fully recorded in Vanderbank's face the degree to which this prompt response embarrassed, or at least stupefied him. But he could always laugh. "I like your 'in London now'!"
"It's the tone and the current and the effect of all the others that push you along," she went on as if she had not heard him. "If such things are contagious, as every one says, you prove it perhaps as much as any one. But you don't begin"—she continued, blandly enough, to work it out for him; "or you can't, at least, originally have begun. Any one would know that now—from the terrific effect I see I produce on you by talking this way. There it is—it's all out before one knows it, isn't it, and I can't help it any more than you can, can I?" So she appeared to put it to him, with something in her lucidity that would have been infinitely touching; strange, grave, calm consciousness of their common doom and of what in especial in it would be worst for herself. He sprang up indeed, after an instant, as if he had been infinitely touched; he turned away, taking, just near her, a few steps to and fro, gazed about the place again, but this time without the air of particularly seeing it, and then came back to her as if from a greater distance. An observer at all initiated would, at the juncture, fairly have hung on his lips, and there was in fact on Vanderbank's part quite the look of the man—though it lasted but just while we seize it—in suspense ​about himself. The most initiated observer of all would have been poor Mr. Longdon, who would now have been destined, however, to be also the most defeated, and the sign of whose tension would have been a smothered "Ah, if he doesn't do it now!" Well, Vanderbank didn't do it "now," and the long, odd, irrelevant sigh that he gave out might have sufficed as the record of his recovery from a peril lasting just long enough to be measured. Had there been any measure of it, meanwhile, for Nanda? There was nothing at least to show either the presence or the relief of anxiety in the way in which, by a prompt transition, she left her last appeal to him simply to take care of itself. "You haven't denied that Harold does borrow."
Vanderbank gave a note as of cheer for this luckily firmer ground. "My dear child, I never lent the silly boy five pounds in my life. In fact, I like the way you talk of that. I don't know quite for what you take me, but the number of persons to whom I have lent five pounds—"
"Is so awfully small"—she took him up on it—"as not to look so very well for you?" She held him an instant as with the fine intelligence of his meaning in this, and then, though not with sharpness, she broke out: "Why are you trying to make out that you're nasty and stingy? Why do you misrepresent—"
"My natural generosity? I don't misrepresent anything, but I take, I think, rather markedly good care of money." She had remained in her place and he was before her on the grass, his hands in his pockets and his manner perhaps a little awkward. "The way you young things talk of it!"
"Harold talks of it—but I don't think I do. I'm not a bit expensive—ask mother, or even ask father. I do with awfully little—for clothes and things, and I could easily do with still less. Harold's a born consumer, as ​Mitchy says; he says also he's one of those people will never really want."
"Ah, for that, Mitchy himself will never let him."
"Well then, with every one helping us, all round, aren't we a lovely family? I don't speak of it to tell tales, but when you mention hearing from Harold all sorts of things immediately come over me. We seem to be all living more or less on other people, all immensely 'beholden.' You can easily say of course that I'm the worst of all. The children and their people, at Bognor, are in borrowed quarters—mother got them lent her—as to which, no doubt, I'm perfectly aware that I ought to be there sharing them, taking care of my little brother and sister, instead of sitting here, at Mr. Longdon's expense, to expose everything and criticise. Father and mother, in Scotland, are on a programme of places—! Well"—she pulled herself up—"I'm not in that, at any rate. Say you've lent Harold only five shillings," she went on.
Vanderbank stood smiling. "Well, say I have. I never lend any one whatever more."
"It only adds to my conviction," Nanda explained, "that he writes to Mr. Longdon."
"But if Mr. Longdon doesn't say so—?" Vanderbank objected.
"Oh, that proves nothing." She got up as she spoke. "Harold also works Granny." He only laughed out, at first, for this, while she went on: "You'll think I make myself out fearfully deep—I mean in the way of knowing everything without having to be told. That is, as you say, mamma's great accomplishment, so it must be hereditary. Besides, there seem to me only too many things one is told. Only Mr. Longdon has in fact said nothing."
She had looked about responsibly, as if not to leave in disorder the garden nook they had occupied, picking up a newspaper and changing the place of a cushion. "I do ​think that with him you're remarkable," Vanderbank observed—"putting on one side all you seem to know and on the other all he holds his tongue about. What then does he say?" the young man asked after a slight pause and perhaps even with a slight irritation.
Nanda glanced round again—she was folding, rather carefully, her paper. Presently her glance met their friend, who, having come out of one of the long windows that opened to the lawn, had stopped there to watch them. "He says just now that luncheon's ready."