# The wonderful advantages of drunkenness

THE
WONDERFUL ADVANTAGES
OF
DRUNKENNESS;
TO WHICH IS ADDED,
Protest against Whisky.
PAISLEY:
PRINTED BY G. CALDWELL, HIGH STREET,
1828.
IF you wish to be always thirsty, be a Drunkard; for the oftener and more you drink, the oftener and more thirsty you will be.
If you seek to prevent your friends raising you in the world be a Drunkard; for that will defeat all their efforts.
If you would effectually counteract your own attempt to do well, be a Drunkard; and you will not be disappointed.
If you wish to repel the endeavours of the whole human race to raise you to character, credit, and prosperity, be a Drunkard and you will most assuredly triumph.
If you are determined to be poor, be a Drunkard: and you will soon be ragged and pennyless.
If you would wish to starve your family, be a Drunkard for that will consume the means of their support.
If you would be imposed on by-knaves, be a Drunkard for that will make their task easy.
If you would wish to be robbed, be a Drunkard; which will enable the thief to do it with more safety.
If you would wish to blunt your senses be a Drunkard: and you will soon be more stupid than an ass.
If you would become a fool, be a Drunkard ; and you will soon lose your understanding.
If you wish to unfit yourself for rational intercourse, be a Drunkard, for that will render you quite unfit for it.
If you are resolved to kill yourself, be a Drunkard; that being a sure mode of destruction.
​If you would expose both your folly and secrets, be a Drunkard; and they will soon run out as the liquor runs in.
If you think you are too strong, be a Drunkard; and you will soon be subdued by so powerful an enemy.
If you would get rid of your money without kuowing how, be a Drunkard; and it will vanish insensibly.
If you would have no resource when past labour, but a workhouse, be a Drunkard; and you will be unable to provide any.
If you are determined to expel all comfort from your house, be a Drunkard; and you will soon do it effectually
If you would be always under strong suspicion, be a Drunkard; for, little as you think it, all agree that the those steal from themselves and families will rob others.
If you would be reduced to the necessity of shunning your creditor, he a Drunkard; and you will soon have reason to prefer the by-paths to the public streets.
If you would be a dead weight on the community, & "cumber the ground," be a Drunkard; for that will render you useless, helpless, burdensome, and expensive.
If you would be a nuisance, be a Drunkard; for the approach of a Drunkard is like that of a Dunghill.
If you would be hated by your family and friends, be a Drunkard ; and you will soon be more than disagreeable.
If you would be a pest to society, be a Drunkard : & you will be avoided as infectious.
If you do not wish to have your faults reformed, continue to be a Drunkard ; and you will not care for good advice.
If you would smash windows, break the peace, get your bones broken, tumble under carts and horses, and be locked up in watch-houses, be a Drunkard; and it will be strange if you do not succeed.
If you wish all your prospects in life to be clouded be a Drunkard; and they will soon be dark enough.
If you would destroy your body, be a Drunkard; as ​drunkenness is the mother of disease.
If you mean to ruin your soul, be a Drunkard; that yon may be excluded from heaven.
Finally, if you are determined to be utterly destroyed in estate, body, and soul, be a Drunkard ; and you will soon knew that it is impossible to adopt a more effectual means to accomplish your ———END.
Comparisons of Drunkenness.
As drunk as an Owl——— a drunk as a Sow———as drunk as a Beggar———as drunk as the Devil———as drunk as a Lord. The explanation of which is as follows: A man is a drunk as an Owl, when he cannot see. He is as drunk as a Sow, when he tumbles in the dirt. He is a drunk as a Beggar, when he is very impudent. He is as drunk as the Devil, when he is inclined to mischief; and, as drunk as a Lord, when he is every thing that is bad.
Drunkenness expels reason———drowns the memory——— defaces beauty———diminishes strength———inflames the blood ———causes internal, external, and in curable wounds———is a witch to the senses, a devil to the soul, a thief to the pure———the beggar's companion, the wife's woe, and children's sorrow———makes a strong man weak, and a wise man a fool. He is worse than a beast, and is a self-murderer, who drinks to others' good health, and rob himself of his own. He is worse than a beast, for no animal will designedly intoxicate itself; but a Drunkard swallows his liquor well knowing the condition to which it will reduce him, and that these draughts will deprive him of the use of his reason, and render him worse than a beast. By the effects of liquor, his evil passions and tempers are freed from restraint; and while in a state of intoxication he commits actions which when sober he would have shuddered only to have thought of. Many an evil deed has been done, many a MURDER has been ​committed when those who did these things were intoxicated; scarcely an assize passes without some unhappy prisoner, attempting to excuse his guilt by the plea that he was under the intluence of liquor. This excuse the laws allows not, and most justly; for if men voluntarily deprive themselves of their reason, surely they cannot be innocent of whatever evils they commit while in that state. Tremble then, O Drunkard, reflect before you put the cup to your lips: remember that you are about to make yourself ready to commit every crime to which an evil nature no longer checked can incite you, and that you may awake from this state, guilty of offences against the laws of your country, sufficient to draw down just vengeance upon your head; and while suffering the punishmeut of your evil deeds, or reflecting ou the harm done perhaps to your best friend, what consolation can the remembrance of your worse than beastly enjoyment give you?
"All the crimes on the earth do not destroy so many of the HUMAN RACE, nor alienate so much PROPERTY as DRUNKENESS." LORD BACON. Surely these are reasons suffcient and more than sufficient to induce you to dash the poisoned cup to the ground, and shudder at the danger.
FINIS
This work was published before January 1, 1929, and is in the public domain worldwide because the author died at least 100 years ago.
Public domainPublic domainfalsefalse