# Diamonds To Sit On/Chapter 33

Contents
CHAPTER XXXIII
EXPULSION FROM PARADISE
HIPPOLYTE woke up with an enormous boil on his face. All his misfortunes, all his sufferings and failures, and all his anxiety in his search for the diamonds seemed to be concentrated in that terrible boil.
'You've done this on purpose,' said Bender unkindly.
Hippolyte sighed heavily and went to fetch the paints. Soon they were busy at work on the poster, and the third day on the steamer began. It began with a short conflict between the brass band and the 'Five Noises' about a place for rehearsing. After lunch both the brass band and the noises went to a bench at the stern of the steamer. The first to settle himself down on a bench was Galkin, but a man from the brass band soon came up to him.
'This seat is reserved,' said Galkin.
'By whom?'
'By me—by Galkin.'
'Who else?'
'By Malkin, Palkin, Chalkin, and Zalkind,'
'That's nothing. This is our place.'
Reinforcements came up from both parties until the trombones faced the saxophones, and the brass glittered in the sunshine.
'This gang of ear-splitters has taken our place,' complained the clarinet-player,
'Oh you——' said Zalkind, trying to find an insulting expression. 'You musical conservatives!'
'You're preventing us from rehearsing.'
'Nonsense! It's you who are preventing us from rehearsing!' ​2I6
DIAMONDS TO SIT ON
‘ Rot! The less you practise on your tin cans the better! ’ As neither side would give way they all began to rehearse simultaneously. The brass band played a march, while the jazz band played a negro dance called The Antelope of the Zambesi*. The effect was ghastly and the director of the Financial Commission was so exasperated that he came out and stopped the performance. By eleven o’clock the great work was finished, and Bender and Hippolyte began to walk backwards drag­ ging ‘ The Sower ’ towards the captain’s bridge. Fatty was running ahead waving his arms excitedly. Every­ body helped and ' The Sower ’ was soon lifted up and hung as a poster. In half an hour’s time the elec­ trician had fitted three lights at the back of the poster, and the only thing left to be done was to switch on the lights. The steamer was approaching the town of Vassuki, and all the passengers on board the Scriabin had been summoned on deck. Hippolyte and Bender stood near the poster, watching the crowd. The typists, the messengers, the actors, the brass band, and all the rest of them were craning their necks to see the poster. ‘ Put on the lights ! ’ shouted Fatty. The lights were switched on and Bender looked at the crowd. A pink light was shining on to their faces. The audience roared with laughter and then became ominously silent. A stem voice said : ‘ Where’s the manager ? ’ It was so commanding that Fatty rushed down the ladder from behind the poster. Look at this ! said the voice. ‘ Look at vour work I ’ ‘ We’ll be turned out in a minute,’ whispered Bender to Hippolyte. Fatty swooped down on Bender hke an eagle. i Bender brazenly, ' what do you think of It ? Do you approve ? ’ ​EXPULSION FROM PARADISE
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‘ Collect your things and clear out 1 ’ shouted Fatty. ‘ Why such a hurry ? ’ ‘ Col-lect your things,’ said Fatty in a steady voice, ‘ and clear out ! If you don’t take care you’ll find yourself in court. Our directors haven’t time for stupid jokes.’ ‘ Throw them out I ’ shouted the stern voice. ‘ Do you mean to say you don’t like the poster ? No, seriously ? ’ But there was no sense in keeping up this game, for the Scriabin had reached Vassuki and they could see the people crowding on to the landing-stage. They were gazing solemnly at the poster. There was no response to the appeal, and no one invested money in the loan. Bender and Hippolyte wasted no time in getting clear of the ship, and once on the land­ ing stage they stopped and looked back at the poster. ‘ Yes, it is pretty bad,’ said Bender. Instead of a sower scattering loan certificates Bender had drawn a square for the body and a sugar-loaf for the head, and as for a hand, there were two thin streaks and nothing else. ‘ I review the situation,’ said Bender cheerfully. ‘ Debit: not a copeck of money ; three chairs steaming down the Volga on board that ship, and nowhere to spend the night. Credit: a Volga guide-book for the year 1926. We shall have to spend the night on the landing-stage.’ The two friends sat down on a bench, and by the light of a lantern Bender opened the guide-book and began to read : ‘ On the high right bank of the River Volga lies the town of Vassuki. The exports from here are timber, tar, mats, and pulp. Various imports are brought here for use in the district, which is 50 miles from a railway station. There are 8,000 inhabitants in the town and a Government cardboard factory employing 320 workers. Also there is a small iron ​foundry, a brewery, and a tannery. Apart from ordinary schools, there is a school of forestry.’
‘The position is more serious than I anticipated,’ said Bender. ‘ It will be pretty difficult to get money out of the inhabitants of Vassuki. I haven’t found a solution for that problem yet, but we must have at least thirty roubles. In the first place, we must feed and secondly we must overtake that rotten little steamer and meet the Columbus Theatre company in Stalingrad.’
Hippolyte curled himself up on the bench and fell asleep, but Bender walked up and down the landing stage plotting and scheming. By midnight he had evolved a magnificent plan, and, after smiling confidently to himself, curled up on another bench and fell last asleep.