# Diamonds To Sit On/Chapter 36

Contents
CHAPTER XXXVI
THE VIEW ON TO THE MALACHITE POOL
IT was Sunday evening. Everything was clean and tidy, even the mountain Mashuk, overgrown with bushes and trees, looked as if it had been carefully combed. Men wearing white trousers of every conceivable material—cotton, leather, and flannel—were darting up and down the platforms of the railway station. There were men in sandals and shirts open at the throat, and Bender and Hippolyte, who had arrived in heavy, dirty boots, dusty trousers, hot waistcoats, and thick coats, felt quite out of place amongst these people. Young women were dressed in the most delicate sprig muslins, and the smartest of them all was the young station-mistress, The two friends were astonished to see a woman in such a position. Red curls pushed their way from under her red cap that had silver braid on the peak, and she was wearing a white uniform coat and skirt.
After having admired the station-mistress, the two friends studied the bill that had been freshly posted advertising the Columbus Theatre company in Pyatigorsk. Then they each drank two glasses of Narzan water, and after that they jumped into a tram marked 'Station—Gardens.' It cost them ten copecks to go into the gardens. There was music there, a number of cheerful-looking people, and very few flowers, The symphonic orchestra was playing 'The Mosquito Dance', Narzan mineral water was being sold in the Lermontov Gallery. It was also being sold in kiosks, and people were carrying it about on trays. Narzan water seemed to be everywhere.
No one took the slightest notice of the shabby diamond-seekers. ​THE VIEW ON TO THE MALACHITE POOL 237
' Well, Pussy,’ said Bender, ' we’re strangers in such a holiday crowd.’ The friends spent the first night at the Narzan spring. It was only after the third performance of Gogol’s Marriage that the two friends realized the difficulties of their search for the treasure. It was not such an easy matter as they had thought to find a way into the theatre, because Galkin, Palkin, Malkin, Chaikin, and Zalkind slept at the back of the stage, for their paltry wages did not give them a chance of living in an hotel. Day after day passed and the friends were almost desperate. They were beginning to feel weak from trying to sleep on the spot where Lermontov had fought his famous duel, and they were tired of trying to get money in casual tips from tourists. On the sixth day Bender managed to make friends with Mechnikov, whose business it was to look after the hydraulic press. At that time Mechnikov was in a terrible state. He had no money for drinks, and Bender noticed that he had begun to sell some of the stage properties in the market. Gradually their friend­ ship ripened to such a degree that one morning at the springs they confided in each other. Mechnikov called Bender ‘ a good sort ’ several times and was ready to agree to anything. ‘ All right,’ said he. ‘ That’s quite easy. With the greatest of pleasure, my dear fellow.’ It did not take Bender long to discover that Mech­ nikov had a good business head, and after discussing the matter in detail, the two schemers slapped each other on the back and laughed heartily. ‘ Well,’ said Bender, ‘ I’ll give you ten roubles. ' My dear fellow,’ said Mechnikov astonished, ' you positively startle me ! I’m absolutely exhausted from drinking this Narzan.’ ‘ How much do you want then ? ’ ​238
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' Say fifty roubles. After all, it’s Government property, and I'm a sick man.’ ' All right. Win you take twenty ? You agree ? Now, now, I can see from your eyes that you’re willing * ‘ Agreement is the result of perfect accord between two parties.’ ‘ Well, when will you bring the chairs ? ’ ‘ You give me the money and I’ll give you the chairs.’ That s all right,’ said Bender, without thinking. ' Money in advance,’ Mechnikov announced suddenly, ' Money in the morning—chairs in the evening; or money in the evening—chairs the next morning.’ ‘ What about chairs to-day and the money to­ morrow ? ’ asked Bender. ‘ I may be a sick man, my dear fellow, but I can’t accept such terms.’ ‘ But,’ said Bender, * I shan’t get my money until to-morrow. It’s being sent by wire.’ Then we can discuss the matter to-morrow,’ said Mechnikov obstinately. ‘ Meanwhile, so long ! And may you spend a comfortable night at the spring ! I ve a great deal to do with my press, and I’ve no strength left. How can a man live on Narzan water ? * Mechnikov walked away and Bender looked at Hippolyte sternly. ‘ Time,’ he said, ‘ which we have, is money, but money we lack. Pussy. We must succeed. One hundred and fifty thousand roubles and nought nought copecks lie before us. We need only twenty roubles for the treasure to be ours. We must not dis­ dain any means whatsoever. Either we win or we lose.’ Bender walked round Hippolyte pensively. Take off your coat! ’ he said suddenly. Hippolyte handed him his coat and Bender immedi­ ately threw it on to the ground and began to tread on it with his dusty boots. What are you doing ? ’ screamed Hippolyte. ‘ I’ve ​THE VIEW ON TO THE MALACHITE POOL 239 been wearing that coat for the last fifteen years, and it’s still like new.’ ‘ Don’t get excited ! It’ll soon look old. Now give me your hat ! And now make your trousers look dusty and pour some Narzan over them. And hurry up ! ’ A few minutes later Hippolyte was disgustingly dirty. ‘ There now, you’re ready; and you’ve every oppor­ tunity of earning money by honest work.’ ' What do you want me to do ? ’ asked Hippolyte mournfully. ‘ Can you speak French ? I hope you can.’
' Well, wen, you’U have to use what you know. Could you say this sentence in French : “ Gentlemen, I have had nothing to eat for six days ” ? ’ ‘ Monsieur,’ began Hippolyte haltingly. ‘ Monsieur . . . er ... er ... je ... ne . . . Is that it ? Je . . . ne ... mange . . . pas . . Six, now what is that in French ? Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six . . . Six jours. Yes, that’s it: Je ne mange pas six jours.’ ‘ A nice pronunciation, I must say,’ said Bender sarcastically ; ‘ but never mind ; you don’t expect much from a beggar. A beggar in Russia will always speak French worse than a beggar in France. How much German do you know ? ’ ‘ What do I want German for ? ’ said Hippolyte. ' You’ll want German,’ said Bender as he emphasized each word. ‘ You’ll want German because you’re going to the gardens to-night, and there you will take up a stand in the shade, and you will beg in French, German, and Russian. And you will impress people with the fact that you are a former member of the State Duma and that you belonged at one time to the Cadet Party. Your net earnings will go to Mechnikov. You understand ? ’ ​240
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Hippolyte’s face changed in the twinkling of an eye. He drew himself up to his full height and his eyes flashed, so that Bender almost expected fire would come out of his nostrils. Now, now, now! ’ said the great schemer, not in the least afraid. ' Just look at him ! ’ ‘ Never ! ’ cried Hippolyte with great determination, ‘ never has a Vorobianinov stretched out his hand for charity ! ’ ‘ One day you’ll have to stretch your legs out for good, you old fool! ’ shouted Bender. ‘ Do you mean to teU me that you’ve never stretched out vour hand ? ’ ‘ Never ! ’ shouted Hippolyte. ‘ Well, I like that ! He’s been living on me for three months. Here have I been feeding him, nursing him, and educating him for nothing. And now, this goodfor-nothing dares to stand there and pretend----- Well well, that’ll do, that’ll do ! You will do one of two things : either you go to the gardens at once and bring me ten roubles this evening, or you refuse, and I shall automatically exclude you from the partnership. I shall count five. Now, yes or no ? One . . . Two . . . Three . . .’ ‘ Yes,’ murmured Hippolyte. ‘ In that case, repeat the formula. Monsieur, je ne mange pas six jours, Geben sie mir bitte etwas Copeck auf dem Stuck Brot, and Please give something to a former deputy of the State Duma. Now say it, and in a plaintive voice. Come on—quick ! ’ Hippolyte repeated the phrases. Yes, that’ll do,’ said Bender. ‘ You’ve had a Ulent for begging ever since you were an infant. You re a born beggar. Now be off ! I’U meet you at the springs at midnight. Not for the sake of anythmg romantic, remember, but simply because people are more generous in the evening.’ ' And what are you going to do ? ’ ​THE VIEW ON TO THE MALACHITE POOL 241
' Don’t worry about me. As usual, I’m taking the more difficult job on to my own shoulders. The two friends parted. Bender went into a stationery shop, bought a receipt-book with his last ten copecks, sat down, and was busy for about an hour renumbering the receipts and signing each one. ‘ The main thing is system,’ he said to himself. ‘ Every copeck of public money must be properly accounted for.’ The great schemer walked rapidly up the road, which wound round the mountain, past sanatoria and workers’ rest-houses, until he reached the spot where Lermontov had fought his celebrated duel with Martynev. Here there was a small gallery hewn out of the rock leading to a precipice, and the gallery ended in a small balcony from which there was a splendid view on to the bottom of the precipice, where there was a pool of stagnant water. This precipice was one of the sights of Pyatigorsk, which was visited each day by a number of tourists and foreigners. Bender immediately realized that the precipice might be a great source of income. ‘ What an amazing thing ! ’ he thought. It s extraordinary that the town has never thought of charging admission to that balcony. I should think it is the only place in Pyatigorsk where people aren’t charged anything. I shall remove this stain from the reputation of the town. I must remedy this omission ! And Bender did what his reason and the force of circumstances prompted him to do. He stopped at the entrance to the balcony and began to wave the receipt book in the air. From time to time he shouted :
soldiers of the Red army; gratis. Students: five copecks. Non-members of the professional union: thirty copecks.’ Bender knew what he was about, for none of the citizens of Pyatigorsk ever went near the precipice, and 16 ​242
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it was the easiest thing in the world to fleece a tourist of ten copecks for admission anywhere. By five o’clock he had collected six roubles, being helped in &is by selling tickets to several non-union people they all paid their money without a murmur, and one rosy-cheeked tourist said to his wife when he saw Bender : ‘ You see, Tania. What did I tell you last night . You said you wouldn’t need to pay anything for seeing the precipice, but that’s nonsense, isn’t it comrade ? ’ ’ ' Quite true,’ confirmed Bender. ‘ There’s a charge of ten copecks for union members. Children and soldiers of the Red Army gratis. Students five copecks. Non-union members thirty copecks ’ Towards evening an excursion of Kharkov militia­ men came up in buses. Bender grew alarmed and tned to pretend he was an innocent tourist, but the militiamen flocked round the great schemer ’and were quite ready to pay the money. There was no way of retreat, so Bender began to shout boldly : " Members copecks, but militiamen, students and children : five copecks.’ The militiamen paid their money after inquiring politely for what object the charge was made. , repairing the precipice,’ announced Bender lo prevent any landslides.’ While, the great schemer was having a busy time selling tickets to view the Malachite Pool, Hippolvte was standing under an acacia-tree, bent and huddled with shame. He did not look at the passers-by and kept repeating to himself the three set phrasesMonsieur, je ne mange pas. Geben sie mir bitte . . ' rLease help a former member of the State Duma.’ It was not that people did not give him anything' but they gave very little. However, he had manag’d to collect about three roubles in coppers. bv^thf passers­ by , the orchestra played various pieces by Strauss. ​THE VIEW ON TO THE MALACHITE POOL 243
Brahms, and Grieg, and a gay, chattering crowd walked up and down past the former marshal of nobility. ' Help a former member of the State Duma,’ Hippolyte mumbled. ‘ Do tell me, were you really a member of the State Duma ? ’ a voice whispered into his ear. ‘ And were you really present at sittings ? Oh, how won­ derful ! ’ Hippolyte looked up and turned pale, for hopping about in front of him like a sparrow was none other than Absalom Vladimirovich Iznurenkov. He was dressed in a white coat and grey trousers. He was amazingly lively and every now and then seemed to leap as much as five inches from the ground. Iznuren­ kov had not recognized Hippolyte, and continued to plague him with questions. ‘ Tell me,’ he said, ‘ have you actually seen Rodzianko? And is it true that Purishkevich was bald ? Oh, how wonderful! ’ And continuing to twist and twirl, he managed to thrust a three-rouble note into Hippolyte’s hand and then darted into the crowd again. Hippolyte remained standing under the acacia-tree, his eyes glued to the ground. It was a pity he stood like that, for he might have seen much that was beautiful around him. At last, the band packed up their music-stands and Hippolyte moved towards the springs. Gradually the holiday crowd dispersed and left some loving couples sitting on benches in the gardens. ■ How much did you get ? ’ asked Bender as he came up to Hippolyte. ‘ Seven roubles and twenty-nine copecks. One three-rouble note, some silver, and the rest in coppers.’ ‘ Not at aU bad for a first appearance,’ said Bender. ‘ You’ve earned your money well. Really, Pussy, I’m touched to the quick. But who was the fool who gave you three roubles ? Or did you have to give him change ? ’ ​244
DIAMONDS TO SIT ON ‘ It was Iznurenkov.’ 'Nonsense! Absalom? Well,, I never:! rancy Fancy A J •' And you talked to him ? Ana he didn t recognize you ? ’ He asked me about the Duma.’ You see, it s not so bad being a beggar, especially one with only a moderate education and a thin voice. And you kicked at the idea 1 Well, Pussy, I’ve not been wasting my time, for I’ve managed to collect htteen roubles and one copeck. Total ? We’ll have enough. The next morning Mechnikov received the money and m the evening he produced two chairs, but accordj ™ absolutely impossible to bring the
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disturbed while ripping up the chairs, climbed almost to the summit of Pyatigorsk glimmered Kislovodsk in the
Bender then looked up at the sky and took a pair of pincers out of his pocket.