# The History of the Adventures of Joseph Andrews and his Friend, Mr. Abraham Abrams/Book II, Chapter XIV

CHAPTER XIV.
_An interview between parson Adams and parson Trulliber._
Parson Adams came to the house of parson Trulliber, whom he found
stript into his waistcoat, with an apron on, and a pail in his hand,
just come from serving his hogs; for Mr Trulliber was a parson on
Sundays, but all the other six might more properly be called a farmer.
He occupied a small piece of land of his own, besides which he rented a
considerable deal more. His wife milked his cows, managed his dairy,
and followed the markets with butter and eggs. The hogs fell chiefly to
his care, which he carefully waited on at home, and attended to fairs;
on which occasion he was liable to many jokes, his own size being, with
much ale, rendered little inferior to that of the beasts he sold. He
was indeed one of the largest men you should see, and could have acted
the part of Sir John Falstaff without stuffing. Add to this that the
rotundity of his belly was considerably increased by the shortness of
his stature, his shadow ascending very near as far in height, when he
lay on his back, as when he stood on his legs. His voice was loud and
hoarse, and his accents extremely broad. To complete the whole, he had
a stateliness in his gait, when he walked, not unlike that of a goose,
only he stalked slower.
Mr Trulliber, being informed that somebody wanted to speak with him,
immediately slipt off his apron and clothed himself in an old
night-gown, being the dress in which he always saw his company at home.
His wife, who informed him of Mr Adams's arrival, had made a small
mistake; for she had told her husband, "She believed there was a man
come for some of his hogs." This supposition made Mr Trulliber hasten
with the utmost expedition to attend his guest. He no sooner saw Adams
than, not in the least doubting the cause of his errand to be what his
wife had imagined, he told him, "He was come in very good time; that he
expected a dealer that very afternoon;" and added, "they were all pure
and fat, and upwards of twenty score a-piece." Adams answered, "He
believed he did not know him." "Yes, yes," cried Trulliber, "I have seen
you often at fair; why, we have dealt before now, mun, I warrant you.
Yes, yes," cries he, "I remember thy face very well, but won't mention a
word more till you have seen them, though I have never sold thee a
flitch of such bacon as is now in the stye." Upon which he laid violent
hands on Adams, and dragged him into the hog-stye, which was indeed but
two steps from his parlour window. They were no sooner arrived there
than he cry'd out, "Do but handle them! step in, friend! art welcome to
handle them, whether dost buy or no." At which words, opening the gate,
he pushed Adams into the pig-stye, insisting on it that he should handle
them before he would talk one word with him.
Adams, whose natural complacence was beyond any artificial, was obliged
to comply before he was suffered to explain himself; and, laying hold on
one of their tails, the unruly beast gave such a sudden spring, that he
threw poor Adams all along in the mire. Trulliber, instead of assisting
him to get up, burst into a laughter, and, entering the stye, said to
Adams, with some contempt, "Why, dost not know how to handle a hog?" and
was going to lay hold of one himself, but Adams, who thought he had
carried his complacence far enough, was no sooner on his legs than he
escaped out of the reach of the animals, and cried out, "_Nihil habeo
cum porcis_: I am a clergyman, sir, and am not come to buy hogs."
Trulliber answered, "He was sorry for the mistake, but that he must
blame his wife," adding, "she was a fool, and always committed
blunders." He then desired him to walk in and clean himself, that he
would only fasten up the stye and follow him. Adams desired leave to dry
his greatcoat, wig, and hat by the fire, which Trulliber granted. Mrs
Trulliber would have brought him a basin of water to wash his face, but
her husband bid her be quiet like a fool as she was, or she would commit
more blunders, and then directed Adams to the pump. While Adams was thus
employed, Trulliber, conceiving no great respect for the appearance of
his guest, fastened the parlour door, and now conducted him into the
kitchen, telling him he believed a cup of drink would do him no harm,
and whispered his wife to draw a little of the worst ale. After a short
silence Adams said, "I fancy, sir, you already perceive me to be a
clergyman."--"Ay, ay," cries Trulliber, grinning, "I perceive you have
some cassock; I will not venture to caale it a whole one." Adams
answered, "It was indeed none of the best, but he had the misfortune to
tear it about ten years ago in passing over a stile." Mrs Trulliber,
returning with the drink, told her husband, "She fancied the gentleman
was a traveller, and that he would be glad to eat a bit." Trulliber bid
her hold her impertinent tongue, and asked her, "If parsons used to
travel without horses?" adding, "he supposed the gentleman had none by
his having no boots on."--"Yes, sir, yes," says Adams; "I have a horse,
but I have left him behind me."--"I am glad to hear you have one," says
Trulliber; "for I assure you I don't love to see clergymen on foot; it
is not seemly nor suiting the dignity of the cloth." Here Trulliber made
a long oration on the dignity of the cloth (or rather gown) not much
worth relating, till his wife had spread the table and set a mess of
porridge on it for his breakfast. He then said to Adams, "I don't know,
friend, how you came to caale on me; however, as you are here, if you
think proper to eat a morsel, you may." Adams accepted the invitation,
and the two parsons sat down together; Mrs Trulliber waiting behind her
husband's chair, as was, it seems, her custom. Trulliber eat heartily,
but scarce put anything in his mouth without finding fault with his
wife's cookery. All which the poor woman bore patiently. Indeed, she was
so absolute an admirer of her husband's greatness and importance, of
which she had frequent hints from his own mouth, that she almost carried
her adoration to an opinion of his infallibility. To say the truth, the
parson had exercised her more ways than one; and the pious woman had so
well edified by her husband's sermons, that she had resolved to receive
the bad things of this world together with the good. She had indeed been
at first a little contentious; but he had long since got the better;
partly by her love for this, partly by her fear of that, partly by her
religion, partly by the respect he paid himself, and partly by that
which he received from the parish. She had, in short, absolutely
submitted, and now worshipped her husband, as Sarah did Abraham, calling
him (not lord, but) master. Whilst they were at table her husband gave
her a fresh example of his greatness; for, as she had just delivered a
cup of ale to Adams, he snatched it out of his hand, and, crying out, "I
caal'd vurst," swallowed down the ale. Adams denied it; it was referred
to the wife, who, though her conscience was on the side of Adams, durst
not give it against her husband; upon which he said, "No, sir, no; I
should not have been so rude to have taken it from you if you had caal'd
vurst, but I'd have you know I'm a better man than to suffer the best he
in the kingdom to drink before me in my own house when I caale vurst."
As soon as their breakfast was ended, Adams began in the following
manner: "I think, sir, it is high time to inform you of the business of
my embassy. I am a traveller, and am passing this way in company with
two young people, a lad and a damsel, my parishioners, towards my own
cure; we stopt at a house of hospitality in the parish, where they
directed me to you as having the cure."--"Though I am but a curate,"
says Trulliber, "I believe I am as warm as the vicar himself, or perhaps
the rector of the next parish too; I believe I could buy them
both."--"Sir," cries Adams, "I rejoice thereat. Now, sir, my business
is, that we are by various accidents stript of our money, and are not
able to pay our reckoning, being seven shillings. I therefore request
you to assist me with the loan of those seven shillings, and also seven
shillings more, which, peradventure, I shall return to you; but if not,
I am convinced you will joyfully embrace such an opportunity of laying
up a treasure in a better place than any this world affords."
Suppose a stranger, who entered the chambers of a lawyer, being imagined
a client, when the lawyer was preparing his palm for the fee, should
pull out a writ against him. Suppose an apothecary, at the door of a
chariot containing some great doctor of eminent skill, should, instead
of directions to a patient, present him with a potion for himself.
Suppose a minister should, instead of a good round sum, treat my lord
, or sir ----, or esq. ---- with a good broomstick. Suppose a civil
companion, or a led captain, should, instead of virtue, and honour, and
beauty, and parts, and admiration, thunder vice, and infamy, and
ugliness, and folly, and contempt, in his patron's ears. Suppose, when a
tradesman first carries in his bill, the man of fashion should pay it;
or suppose, if he did so, the tradesman should abate what he had
overcharged, on the supposition of waiting. In short--suppose what you
will, you never can nor will suppose anything equal to the astonishment
which seized on Trulliber, as soon as Adams had ended his speech. A
while he rolled his eyes in silence; sometimes surveying Adams, then his
wife; then casting them on the ground, then lifting them up to heaven.
At last he burst forth in the following accents: "Sir, I believe I know
where to lay up my little treasure as well as another. I thank G--, if I
am not so warm as some, I am content; that is a blessing greater than
riches; and he to whom that is given need ask no more. To be content
with a little is greater than to possess the world; which a man may
possess without being so. Lay up my treasure! what matters where a man's
treasure is whose heart is in the Scriptures? there is the treasure of a
Christian." At these words the water ran from Adams's eyes; and,
catching Trulliber by the hand in a rapture, "Brother," says he,
"heavens bless the accident by which I came to see you! I would have
walked many a mile to have communed with you; and, believe me, I will
shortly pay you a second visit; but my friends, I fancy, by this time,
wonder at my stay; so let me have the money immediately." Trulliber then
put on a stern look, and cried out, "Thou dost not intend to rob me?" At
which the wife, bursting into tears, fell on her knees and roared out,
"O dear sir! for Heaven's sake don't rob my master; we are but poor
people." "Get up, for a fool as thou art, and go about thy business,"
said Trulliber; "dost think the man will venture his life? he is a
beggar, and no robber." "Very true, indeed," answered Adams. "I wish,
with all my heart, the tithing-man was here," cries Trulliber; "I would
have thee punished as a vagabond for thy impudence. Fourteen shillings
indeed! I won't give thee a farthing. I believe thou art no more a
clergyman than the woman there" (pointing to his wife); "but if thou
art, dost deserve to have thy gown stript over thy shoulders for running
about the country in such a manner." "I forgive your suspicions," says
Adams; "but suppose I am not a clergyman, I am nevertheless thy brother;
and thou, as a Christian, much more as a clergyman, art obliged to
relieve my distress." "Dost preach to me?" replied Trulliber; "dost
pretend to instruct me in my duty?" "Ifacks, a good story," cries Mrs
Trulliber, "to preach to my master." "Silence, woman," cries Trulliber.
"I would have thee know, friend" (addressing himself to Adams), "I shall
not learn my duty from such as thee. I know what charity is, better than
to give to vagabonds." "Besides, if we were inclined, the poor's rate
obliges us to give so much charity," cries the wife. "Pugh! thou art a
fool. Poor's reate! Hold thy nonsense," answered Trulliber; and then,
turning to Adams, he told him, "he would give him nothing." "I am
sorry," answered Adams, "that you do know what charity is, since you
practise it no better: I must tell you, if you trust to your knowledge
for your justification, you will find yourself deceived, though you
should add faith to it, without good works." "Fellow," cries Trulliber,
"dost thou speak against faith in my house? Get out of my doors: I will
no longer remain under the same roof with a wretch who speaks wantonly
of faith and the Scriptures." "Name not the Scriptures," says Adams.
"How! not name the Scriptures! Do you disbelieve the Scriptures?" cries
Trulliber. "No; but you do," answered Adams, "if I may reason from your
practice; for their commands are so explicit, and their rewards and
punishments so immense, that it is impossible a man should stedfastly
believe without obeying. Now, there is no command more express, no duty
more frequently enjoined, than charity. Whoever, therefore, is void of
charity, I make no scruple of pronouncing that he is no Christian." "I
would not advise thee," says Trulliber, "to say that I am no Christian:
I won't take it of you; for I believe I am as good a man as thyself"
(and indeed, though he was now rather too corpulent for athletic
exercises, he had, in his youth, been one of the best boxers and
cudgel-players in the county). His wife, seeing him clench his fist,
interposed, and begged him not to fight, but show himself a true
Christian, and take the law of him. As nothing could provoke Adams to
strike, but an absolute assault on himself or his friend, he smiled at
the angry look and gestures of Trulliber; and, telling him he was sorry
to see such men in orders, departed without further ceremony.