# Snickerty Nick and the Giant/Scene 1

SCENE I
SNICKERTY NICK
TRESPASSERS WILL BE ET
DWARF
A Giant owns this garden Where the children want to play, ​But the Giant hates the children And chases them away; And there can’t be any summer here, The sun will never stay, For where no children ever come, It’s winter every day.
Now I’m the Giant’s servant And I never have my way: For I have to tell the children That they mustn’t come and play. For I wouldn’t want them eaten up And so I have to say, It’s not my grass, you can’t come in, You’ve got to go away.
[Placing the paint brush in the paint can]
Pretty good work, Nicky. One more touch and it will be finished.
[While Snickerty Nick is eyeing his work, a small boy creeps through the hedge, tip-- ​toes up behind Nicky and takes his paint brush away. Nicky reaches for it, not finding it, looks puzzled, hunts for it and discovers the little boy.]
LITTLE BOY
[Holding up the paint brush, laughing]
Hello, Nicky! What will you give me for this?
DWARF
A spanking.
LITTLE BOY
O no, you couldn’t!
DWARF
Couldn’t I? Why couldn’t I, I’d like to know?
LITTLE BOY
[Smiling and giving the Dwarf the brush]
You don’t look like a spanker, Nicky.
He has a quaint kind face
More spanked against than spanking
DWARF
You’re right. I’m more spanked against than spanking. The Giant takes care of that. See what he made me do for him.
[Pointing to the sign.]
LITTLE BOY
What does it say, Nicky?
DWARF
Trespassers will be et.
LITTLE BOY
What’s trespassers?
DWARF
You're one.
And you’d better look spry!— If the Giant comes by And you’re here yet— Why, you’ll be et.
LITTLE BOY
I’m not afraid of him.
DWARF
[Alarmed]
Don’t knock on that door!
LITTLE BOY
I want to ask the Giant why we can’t play in his garden. The gardens that we can’t get into are the ones we like the best, and we like this garden better than any other garden.
DWARF
When the Giant goes away I’ll let you in. I’m afraid you’ll be et up if you stay here.
LITTLE BOY
I’m not afraid.
DWARF
Don’t you see that sign? Out with you!
GIANT
Hello, Snickerty Nick! What’s all this racket?
E-T–T—E double T—ETT. Don’t you know how to spell ETT?
The Giant sticks his head out of the door
DWARF
I do.
GIANT
You don’t.
DWARF
[Making a bow]
I beg to differ with you, Baron Bill-Arron Bomberrum. I have been the amanuensis of the Marquise of Magog for ninety-nine years.
GIANT
What’s an amanuensis?
DWARF
An amanuensis is a man who follows you around and writes down everything you say.
GIANT
What’s that to do with ett?
DWARF
What has that to do with ett? The most exquisite woman I ever met, Etta by name, a love, a pet, Here’s what she had to do with ett— She et her egg with etiquette. But once her lovely sleeve got wet And it dripped when she danced the minuet And left a spot on the green carpet. And I made a note of her great regret In this little green book which I carry yet.
GIANT
Stop your nonsense, talk sense.
DWARF
Who talks sense anyway?
[Counting his buttons]
Richman? Poorman? Beggarman? Thief? Doctor? Lawyer? Merchant? Chief? None of them talk sense.
GIANT
You irritate me. I’m going to kick you.
DWARF
[Consulting the green book]
You’ve already kicked me 9,995 times. When you’ve kicked me 10,000 times, according to your solemn promise as a giant, the kingdom will be mine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Five more!
GIANT
By Beelzebub, I must kick you.
[He kicks the Dwarf.]
DWARF
[Taking his score book out of his pocket]
Got it in my score book—got it in—9,996 kicks.
[Dusts his pants, where the Giant has kicked ​him, with a whisk broom hanging on his coat.]
GIANT
Here’s another.
[Giant kicks Dwarf again.]
DWARF
9,997 kicks! Only three more!
GIANT
Hang the sign on the gate, you snickerty snicker! What were you made for?
DWARF
Being, not doing, your Highness.
GIANT
Well, I was made for doing. I am faring away early tomorrow morning before you’ll be up, ​sleepy head, to see the great Cornish Ogre to ask him why it’s always winter in my garden. It’s spring now and I want flowers in my garden and I don’t understand why they won’t grow. They bloom everywhere except here. I am the great giant, Baron Bill-Arron Bomberrum. And I will have flowers. Look around and see if you can find me even one bud.
[They both look.]
DWARF
I can’t find one. I like my friend Mary’s garden better than yours, although I don’t care for cockle shells and silver bells. Personally, I prefer the pretty maids all in a row.
GIANT
Listen! I shall be gone seven years. Seven is a lucky number. I shall stay only seven years because my conversation is limited.
DWARF
[Scratching his forehead]
It’s the limit!
GIANT
[With his hand to his ear] What?
DWARF
I say seven years is the limit.
[The clock in the tower strikes one.]
GIANT
What’s that?
DWARF
Oh, that’s Dickery Dock. He is a perfect nuisance. I wish he would let that old clock alone. Personally I dislike him.
DWARF
Kick it quick!
[To the audience, behind his hand]
There’s a brick in it!
[The Giant starts to kick the Dwarf again.]
DWARF
[Standing still]
Go on, kick me—999——
GIANT
Not this time!
DWARF
Nick of time, for all time belongs to Snickerty Nick. No time like the present.
GIANT
What are you doing?
DWARF
Killing time. I learned to do that when I was the amanuensis of the Marquise of Magog.
GIANT
Hang up the sign and lock the gate. Don’t let anyone in. Don’t let the children play in my garden. My own garden is my own garden and I will allow nobody to play in it but myself. Do you hear?
DWARF
Yes, your Stoutness, I hear. Hearing may be better than seeing—sometimes—it depends on what you look at. Personally I prefer seeing, even when——
GIANT
Here, Snickerty Nick, pull off my boots. I am going to bed.
[Dwarf pulls off one boot.]
DWARF
[Looking at it quizzically]
It has always been a puzzle to me, how that old woman lived in the shoe with so many children. Very insanitary.
9,999! One more kick and the kingdom’s mine. Hurrah!
GIANT
I am going to bed now. See that there is no noise around here.
[Giant puts on his night-cap and goes in.]
DWARF
My brain may be little, My brain may be thick, But why should people With kingdoms—kick?
My brain may be mighty, My brain may be deep, But dreams are a kingdom— I’m going to sleep.
WINTER
[Calling softly]
Northwind! Northwind!
DANCE OF WINTER AND GNOMES
[Northwind dashes in clothed in purple, purple wings floating behind her.]
WINTER
Blow your horn! Call our friends! This is a delightful spot. We must invite Snow, Hail, Frost, and Chilblains and live here all the year round.
NORTHWIND
Oo-oo-OO-ooh !
WINTER
Let’s dance.
WINTER AND GNOMES
[As they dance]
We plant little icicles neatly in rows, So small you can’t see them, then each of us goes And picks one and tickles the end of your nose, Another one prickles the tips of your toes
WINTER
Northwind, lock the selfish Giant in.
[Northwind locks the Giant’s door.]
DWARF
[Waking up]
Dear me! What has happened! I’m a bit chilly on the projecting points.
[Dwarf rubs his ears and toes.]
GIANT
Get out of my garden. Unlock my door, you winter villains. You and your friends have killed all my flowers and the blossoms on my apple trees and there will be no golden fruit in the autumn. If I catch you I will kill you and gobble you all up.
ALL
[Mocking him]
Fee, fi, fo, fum! Baron Bill-Arron Bomberrum!
CHILBLAINS
Baron Bill-Arron Bomberrum. It’ll be nip and tuck between us two. Try to tuck me away and I’ll nip your nose.
GIANT
I will turn you into frogs and snakes.
WINTER
[Calling]
Snow, Hail, Frost, Northwind, Chilblains, come!
GIANT
Go away or I will kill you and eat you up, and a poor cold porridge you’ll make.
Snow throws snowballs at the Giant
ALL
Pease porridge hot, Pease porridge cold, Pease porridge in the pot, The Giant’s growing old!
CHILBLAINS
Give him the cold shoulder.
Ha! Ha! Look at your nose now!
DWARF
You are disturbing my rest with that beastly noise. Go away, I want to sleep.
GIANT
Get out of my garden. Go to the North Pole, there’s where you belong. I wish you would go ​there and never come back again. I want flowers in my garden.
WINTER
This is nearer and more convenient. Besides we don’t like the Esquimos, they are too fat.
DWARF
You ought to know my friend Jack Sprat. He eats no fat, but his wife——
[Rolls his eyes.]
Personally I dislike fat women.
GIANT
Snickerty Nick, unlock the door.
ALL
[Restraining the Dwarf with nips]
Ha, ha, Baron Bill-Arron Bomberrum. Come out if you can, Just walk out, your Highness.
DWARF
Walking is such good exercise. Much better than taking a bath. Bathing is such lonely work, you know.
GIANT
Snickerty Nick, if you will unlock the door, I’ll give you the last kick. Then the kingdom will be yours.
CHILBLAINS
[Unlocking the door]
I’ve unlocked the door. Come out, come out, kick me, and give me the kingdom.
GIANT
This is what I’ll give you!
DWARF
[Howls.]
My! My! What has happened to my toes?
[Sits on the ground and rubs them.]
Something has happened to my feet, one more thing to add to my woes. If I can’t walk and have to use crutches, and the Giant kicks me any more, I’ll fall down and break my head, and lose my crown. Personally I prefer walking.
[Chilblains tonches the Giant’s nose.]
GIANT
[His nose is quite white.]
My! My! What has happened to my nose?
No, Nicky, I won’t kick you any more for the present; I know just when to stop.
[Teeth chattering]
I have had enough of this old garden. I won’t ​stay here any longer. I am getting old and lonely. I am going away to see the Cornish Ogre, to see if he has flowers in his garden.
DWARF
Good-bye! Be good! Good for nothing!
GIANT
What?
DWARF
Nothing.
GIANT
Don’t forget to hang up the sign.
[Exit Giant.]
GNOMES
Snickerty Nick, what will you give us when you get the kingdom?
The great Cornish Ogre
THE LITTLE BOY
DWARF
I’ll give you a whistle and then you can whistle for it.
NORTHWIND
I am your sister; what will you do for me?
DWARF
I’ll call you Una and give you a dandelion to roar at you.
FROST
I am your brother; what will you give me?
DWARF
I will give you the mint of my kingdom—a peppermint.
SNOW
I am your sweetheart; what will you give me?
DWARF
A trip to the moon.
SNOW
Ever been to the Moon, Nicky?
DWARF
I once thought of going to the moon but I was prevented by circumstances over which I had no control.
HAIL
I am your great-uncle; what will you give me?
DWARF
I’ll give you a horse and then you’ll have a hobby.
CHILBLAINS
I am your granny; what will you give me?
DWARF
A horn and then you’ll have plenty.
I am very busy. Go away. I am going to sleep for seven years. Ah! Early to bed and ​early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. Personally I prefer to sleep.
[Hangs the sign upside down, locks the gate and gets into the wheel-barrow.]
Hurrah for a rest! I will snooze and snooze for seven years.
[Goes to sleep.]
NORTHWIND
Sandman, Sandman!
[The Sandman appears.]
GNOMES
Sandman, Sandman, Take it in your hand, man! See the Dwarf has closed his eyes, Come and give him a surprise. Look, his mouth is open wide— Pour your handful right inside, ​Fill it up with sand, man! Listen, listen—hear it slide, Hear it bumping down inside, Thank you, Mr. Sandman.
The Sandman watches smiling