# Ragged Trousered Philanthropists/Chapter 26

CHAPTER XXVI
The Brigand's Cave
All through the severe weather the wise, practical, philanthropic, fat persons whom the people of Mugsborough had elected to manage their affairs, or whom they permitted to manage them without being elected, grappled, or pretended to grapple, with the 'problem' of unemployment and poverty. They continued to hold meetings, rummage and jumble sales, entertainments and special services. They continued to distribute the rotten cast-off clothing and boots and the nourishment tickets. They were all so sorry for the poor, especially for the 'dear little children!' They did all sorts of things to help the children. In fact there was nothing that they would not do for them except levy a halfpenny rate. It would never do to do that. It might pauperise the parents and destroy parental responsibility. They evidently thought that it would be better to destroy the health or even the lives of the 'dear little children' than to pauperise the parents or undermine parental responsibility. These people seemed to think that the children were the property of their parents. They had not sense enough to see that the children are not the property of their parents at all but the property of the community. When they attain to manhood and womanhood they will be, if mentally or physically inefficient, a burden on the community; if they become criminals they will prey upon the community; and if they are healthy, educated and brought up in good surroundings, they will become useful citizens, able to render valuable service, not merely to their parents, but to the community. Therefore the children are the property of the community, and it is the business and to the interest of the community to see that their constitutions are not undermined by starvation. The secretary of the local Trades' Council, a body formed of delegates from all the different trades unions in the town, wrote a letter to the ​'Obscurer' setting forth this view. He pointed out that a halfpenny rate in that town would produce a sum of £800, which would be more than sufficient to provide food for all the hungry school children. In the next issue of the paper several other letters appeared from leading citizens, including, of course, Sweater, Rushton, Didlum and Grinder, ridiculing the proposal of the Trades' Council, who were insultingly alluded to as 'pothouse politicians,' 'beer-sodden agitators,' and so forth. Their right to be regarded as representatives of the working men was denied, and Grinder, who, having made enquiries amongst the working men, was acquainted with the facts, stated that there was scarcely one of the local branches of the trades unions which had more than a dozen members; and as Grinder's statement was true, the secretary was unable to contradict it. The majority of the working men were also very indignant when they heard about the secretary's letter: they said the rates were quite high enough as it was, and they sneered at him for presuming to write to the papers at all.
'Who the bloody 'ell was e'?' they said. ''E was not a gentleman! 'E was only a workin' man the same as themselves—a common carpenter! What the 'ell did 'e know about it? Nothing. 'E was just trying to make 'isself out to be Somebody, that was all. The idea of one of the likes of them writing to the papers!'
One afternoon when Crass, Harlow, Philpot and Easton were talking together in the street, they presently caught sight of Owen across the way. They had been discussing the secretary's letter and the halfpenny rate, and as Owen was one of the members of the Trades' Council Crass suggested that they should go and tackle him about it.
'How much is your house assessed at?' asked Owen, after listening for about a quarter of an hour to Grass's objections.
'Fourteen pound,' replied Crass.
'That means that you would have to pay sevenpence per year if we had a halfpenny rate. Wouldn't it be worth sevenpence a year to you to know that there were no starving children in the town?'
'Why should I 'ave to 'elp to keep the children of a man who's too lazy to work, or spends all 'is money on drink?' shouted Crass. ''Ow are yer goin' to make out about the likes o' them?'
​'If his children are starving we should feed them first and punish him afterwards.'
'The rates is quite high enough as it is,' grumbled Harlow, who had four children himself.
'That's quite true, but you must remember that the rates the working classes at present pay are spent mostly for the benefit of other people. Good roads are maintained for people who ride in motor cars and carriages; the Park and the Town Band for those who have leisure to enjoy them; the police force to protect the property of those who have something to lose; and so on. But if we pay this rate we shall get something for our money.'
'We gets the benefit of the good roads when we 'as to push a 'andcart with a load o' paint and ladders,' said Easton.
'Of course,' said Crass; 'and besides, the workin' class gets the benefit of all the other things too, because it all makes work.'
'Well, for my part,' said Philpot, 'I wouldn't mind payin' my share towards a 'apenny rate, although I ain't got no kids o' me own.'
Sir Graball D'Encloseland, the member of Parliament for the borough, was one of the bitterest opponents of the halfpenny rate, but as he thought it was probable that there would soon be another General Election and he wanted the children's fathers to vote for him again he was willing to do something for them in another way. He had a little ten year old daughter whose birthday came in that month, so the kind-hearted baronet made arrangements to give a Tea to all the school children in the town in honour of the occasion. The tea was served in the schoolrooms, and each child was presented with a gilt-edged card on which was a printed portrait of the little hostess, with 'From your loving little friend, Honoria D'Encloseland' in gold letters. During the evening the little girl, accompanied by Sir Graball and Lady D'Encloseland, motored round to all the schools where the tea was being consumed; the baronet said a few words, and Honoria made a pretty little speech, specially learnt for the occasion, at each place, and was loudly cheered and greatly admired by everyone. The enthusiasm was not confined to the boys and girls, for while the speech-making was going on inside a crowd of 'grown-up children' were gathered round outside the entrance, worshipping the motor car; and when the ​little party came out the crowd worshipped them also, going into ecstacies of admiration of their benevolence and their beautiful clothes.
For several weeks everybody in the town was in raptures over this tea, or rather everybody except a miserable little minority of socialists, who said it was bribery, an electioneering dodge, and did no real good, and who continued to clamour for a half-penny rate.
Another method of dealing with the Problem of Poverty was the 'Distress Committee.' This body, or corpse, for there was not much vitality in it, was supposed to exist for the purpose of providing employment for 'deserving cases.' One might be excused for thinking that any man, no matter what his past may have been, who is willing to work for his living, is a 'deserving case', but this was evidently not the opinion of the persons who devised the regulations for the working of this committee. Every applicant for work was immediately given a long job, the filling up of a 'Record Paper' three pages of which were covered with insulting, inquisitive, irrelevant questions concerning the private affairs and past life of the 'case' who wished to be permitted to work for his living, and which had to be answered to the satisfaction of Sir Graball D'Encloseland, Messrs Sweater, Rushton, Didlum, Grinder and the other members of the committee, before the case stood any chance of getting employment.
However notwithstanding the offensive nature of the questions on the application form, during the five months that this committee was in session, no fewer than 1237 broken spirited and humbled 'lion's whelps' filled up the forms and answered the questions as meekly as if they had been sheep. The funds of the committee consisted of £500 obtained from the Imperial Exchequer, and about £250 in charitable donations. This money was used to pay wages for certain work—some of which would have had to be done even if the committee had never existed—and if each of the 1237 applicants had had an equal share of the work their grand total of earnings would have come to about twelve shillings each. This was what the 'practical' persons, the 'business men,' called 'dealing with the problem of unemployment'—twelve shillings to keep a wife and family for five months!
It is true that some of the members of the committee would ​have been very glad if they could have put the means of earning a living within the reach of every man who was willing to work; but they simply did not know what to do, or how to do it. They could not be ignorant of the reality of the evil they were 'dealing with'; appalling evidences of it faced them on every side; and as after all these committee men were human beings and not devils, they would have been glad to mitigate it if they could have done so without hurting themselves.
One evening during the time that distress was most acute a meeting was held in the drawing-room at 'The Cave' by certain of the 'Shining Lights' to arrange the details of a Rummage Sale to be held in aid of the unemployed. It was an informal affair, and while they were waiting for the other luminaries, the early arrivals, Messrs Rushton, Didlum and Grinder, Mr Oyley Sweater, the Borough Surveyor, Mr Wireman, the electrical engineer who had been engaged as an 'expert' to examine and report upon the Electric Light works, and two or three other gentlemen, all members of the Brigand's Band, took advantage of the opportunity to discuss a number of things they were mutually interested in which were to be dealt with at the next meeting of the Town Council. First, there was the affair of the untenanted Kiosk on the Grand Parade. This building belonged to the Corporation, and Mr Grinder, as Managing Director of The Cosy Corner Refreshment Company, was thinking of opening a high-class refreshment lounge, provided the Corporation would make certain alterations and let the place at a reasonable rent.
Another item which was to be discussed at the Council Meeting was Mr Sweater's generous offer to the Corporation respecting the new drain connecting 'The Cave' with the town main.
The report of Mr Wireman, the electrical expert, was also to be dealt with, and after that a resolution in favour of the purchase of the Mugsborough Electric Light and Installation Company Ltd. by the town was to be proposed.
In addition to these matters several other items, including a proposal by Mr Didlum for an important reform in the matter of conducting the meetings of the Council, formed subjects for animated conversation between the brigands and their host.
​The drawing-room of 'The Cave' was now elaborately furnished. A large mirror in a richly gilt frame, reached from the carved marble mantelpiece to the cornice. A magnificent clock in an alabaster case stood in the centre of the mantelpiece and was flanked by two exquisitely painted and gilded vases of Dresden ware. The windows were draped with costly hangings and the floor was covered with a luxurious carpet and expensive rugs; and sumptuously upholstered couches and easy-chairs added to the comfort of the apartment, which was warmed by the immense fire of coal and oak logs blazing and crackling in the grate.
This was Mr Grinder's first visit at the house, and he expressed his admiration of the manner in which the ceiling and the walls were decorated, remarking that he had always liked this 'ere Japanese style.
'Hardly wot you'd call Japanese, though, is it?' observed Didlum, looking round with the air of a connoisseur. 'I should be inclined to say it was rather more of the—er—Chinese or Egyptian.'
'Moorish,' explained Mr Sweater with a smile. 'I got the idear at the Paris Exhibition. It's simler to the decorations in the Alambra, the palace of the Sultan of Morocco. That clock there is in the same style.'
The case of the clock referred to, which stood on a table in a corner of the room, was of fretwork, in the form of an Indian Mosque, with a pointed dome and pinnacles. This was the case that Mary Linden had sold to Didlum, who had had it stained a dark colour, polished and further improved it by substituting a clock of more suitable design than the one it originally held. Mr Sweater noticing it in Didlum's window had purchased it seeing that the design was similar in character to the painted decorations on the ceiling and walls of his drawing-room.
'I went to the Paris Exhibition meself,' said Grinder, when everyone had admired the exquisite workmanship of the clock-case. 'I remember 'avin a look at the moon through that big telescope. I was never so surprised in me life; you can see it quite plain, and it's round, not flat like a plate, but round like a football.'
'Of course it is,' said Rushton, rather scornfully. 'But what gets over me, is this: according to science, the earth turns round on its axle at the rate of about twenty miles a minit. ​Well, what about when a lark goes up in the sky and stays there about a quarter of an hour? Why, if it was true that the earth was turnin' round at that rate all the time, when the bird came down it would find itself 'undreds of miles away from the place where it went up from! But that doesn't 'appen at all; the bird always comes down in the same spot.'
'Yes, and the same thing applies to balloons and flyin' machines,' said Grinder. 'If it was true that the world is spinnin' round on its axle so quick as that, if a man started out from Calais to fly to Dover, by the time he got to England he'd find 'imself in North America, or p'raps further off still.'
'Talking about science,' said Grinder, breaking the puzzled silence which followed; 'talking about science reminds me of a conversation I 'ad with Dr Weakling the other day. You know, he believes we're hall descended from monkeys.'
Everyone laughed, the thing was so absurd. The idea of placing intellectual beings on a level with animals!
'But just wait and 'ear 'ow nicely I flattened 'im out,' continued Grinder. 'After we'd been arguin' a long time about Everlution or some sich name, and a lot more tommy rot I couldn't make no 'ead or tail of—and to tell you the truth I don't believe 'e understood 'arf of it 'imself—I ses to 'im: "Well," I ses, "if it's true that we're hall descended from monkeys," I ses, "I think your family must 'ave left orf where mine begun."'
In the midst of the laughter that greeted the conclusion of Grinder's story, the other members of the committee arrived, and put an end to the interesting discussion, and the business for which the meeting had been called, the arrangements for the forthcoming Rummage Sale, was proceeded with.