# Advice to Young Ladies/Chapter 14

Chapter XIV.
Conduct towards Men.
There are two extremes which we constantly see among young women on first going into company, and coming into the society of men. The one is a simpering bashfulness, that looks and is very silly, while the other is exhibited in a bold, ​free air, that is even more offensive to good sense and propriety. A little more confidence will correct the one, and a little more modesty the other. Both are exceedingly unpleasant to meet with, though the former is much more tolerable to men of true feeling and discernment than the latter. These latter will always find plenty of young men ready to gossip, and flirt, and take liberties of speech with them, that the self-respect of any modest girl would cause her at once to repel; but the crowd they gather around them is far from being a crowd of real admirers; or, if weak enough to admire, they are far from being such admirers as a true woman would wish to have. They are mostly silly boys, or men who have lost all true respect for woman.
On first going into company, a pure-minded, truly modest, inexperienced girl, will naturally feel a degree of reserve and embarrassment, especially on meeting with and being introduced to strange young men. This feeling of reserve she should not seek to throw off, unless the men have received their introduction to her through her father or brother, or some particular friend of the family, in whom her parents evidently place great confidence. When this is the case, politeness requires that she should endeavor to ​make herself agreeable and entertaining to the person so introduced, by joining in conversation with him upon some general topic, instead of merely replying in monosyllables to every remark he may offer—a custom that is very annoying to a person who is politely endeavoring to entertain another. Don’t say that you cannot do it—that you don’t know what to say. Compose your mind, and think, and thought will soon dictate what you ought to say. If, however, the person who is seeking your acquaintance, has been introduced, without your consent, by some other than your father, brother, or your parents’ particular friend, you cannot be too reserved towards him. You have no guaranty for his character or his principles, and therefore you should not let him be upon easy and familiar terms with you.
In regard to her acquaintances of the other sex, a young lady cannot be too particular. It is no proof that a young man is worthy to be numbered among her friends, because he is well dressed, good looking, converses intelligently, and visits at the house, or attends the parties given by this, that, or the other respectable person. The error of believing this is a too common, but a very dangerous one. Unfortunately, such evidences are no proofs of true ​respectability and virtue. As society is now constituted, the worst class of young men, as well as the best, are equally free to mingle in fashionable circles: all that is needed to give them access are family, education, and good manners. The most depraved, alike with the most virtuous, may possess these external advantages. How often is it the case that we see a young man, whose habits are as bad as a depraved heart can make them, in close and friendly conversation, and, it may be, impiously venturing to touch the hand of a pure-minded, innocent girl, who, if the quality of his mind could be made apparent to her, would shrink from him with horror! It is, we regret to say, an almost every-day occurrence. To prevent this as far as possible, a young lady should decline all proposed introductions, unless made by her nearest and best friends—those whom she knows to be discriminating, and who have deeply at heart her welfare. If introductions are forced upon her without her consent, she can do no less than treat the person so introduced with politeness; but she should limit the acquaintance to the particular occasion. Afterwards she should be careful to treat the individual as a stranger. If he, however, taking advantage of his introduction, should force himself upon her, she should ​not treat him with rudeness,—no lady will do that,—but with a degree of coldness that will sooner or later cause him to feel that his acquaintance is not agreeable.
Reserve like this is absolutely necessary to the protection of a pure-hearted maiden, in a society constituted as ours at present is. The semblances of all that is honorable and noble-minded are so perfect, that even age, with all its penetration, cannot sometimes see through the veil that hides corruption and moral deformity, much less the eyes of a young and inexperienced girl.
Treated by the other sex as a woman, a maiden of seventeen, eighteen, or even twenty, is apt to forget that she knows little or nothing of the world, and that her knowledge of character is very limited. All around her, it seems as if a book were laid open, and she has but to read and obtain the fullest information on whatever appertains to life. But she has yet to learn that she sees only the appearances of things, and that realities are hidden beneath them, and cannot be seen by her except through the eyes of those who are older and more experienced. If she will believe this, it will make her modest and reserved; modesty and reserve will make her thoughtful; thinking is the mind’s seeing ​power, and by it, and it alone, will a young lady be able to see for herself what is right, and form her own judgment of the world into which she has been introduced, and where she has an important part to act as a woman. The men with whom she comes in contact are often from two to three, and sometimes from six to seven, years older than herself. They have teen more and thought more than she has. The first deceitful appearances of life have passed away with them, and they can see beneath the surface. When in company with men, therefore, a young lady should seek rather to follow than lead in the conversation; for, by doing this, she will gain much useful information and many desirable hints in regard to manners, character, social usages, books, and various other matters useful to be known. If, as will not unfrequently be the case, young men begin some trifling chit-chat or idle gossip about fashion, or call attention to some peculiarity of dress, person, or manner in individuals present, a young lady should as adroitly as possible change the subject, and endeavor to lead her companion into a conversation on topics of more interest and importance. If she fail in doing this, she should maintain a rigid silence on the subjects introduced; they are unworthy of her, and their introduction should be ​felt as no compliment. It may be, that her companion is not able to talk about any thing more sensible; if that be the case, the quicker he seek to entertain those like him, the better, and a young lady of good sense will think stooping to gossip with him too dear a price to pay for his favorable opinion.
Never converse with young men about your own private and personal matters, nor of the concerns of your family. They are merely your acquaintances, not your confidential friends, and never should be admitted to that distinction. Some young men will take a dishonorable advantage of such things, and repeat what you have said in order to make it appear that you entertain for them a particular preference. If what you have really said be not sufficient to give that construction to it, they will add a little coloring, so as to make it suit their purpose. Many a young lady, could she hear her own words repeated, with a certain construction placed upon them by young men, would weep with shame and mortification. It is impossible for you to be too guarded in this particular. If you could but once hear, as the writer has dozens of times heard, young men, after spending an evening in free, social intercourse with young ladies, relate what this, that, and the other one ​said to them, and the manner of saying it, with the construction placed upon both words and manner, you would almost be tempted to seal your lips in silence when again in company. In matters like this, the vanity of some young men causes them to see far more than ever existed. Be modest, thoughtful, and rather reserved than free in your manner; repel with coldness and silence all familiarity; take but little part in sentimental conversations, if introduced, and repress any free expression of admiration for poetry, starlight, and moonshine, no matter how strong you may feel it; be careful how you compliment a young man’s appearance, his manners, or his talents; and, above all, let your intentions and thoughts be right, and you need not fear any serious misjudgment of your feelings or character.
Among the errors which young ladies are very prone to commit is one that all men notice, and which some men feel to be very annoying, especially as the error, in too many cases, is one that mature years does not seem to correct. In this country, politeness, deference, and attention to ladies, are considered cardinal virtues among well-bred men. The best places at table, the most comfortable seats in public conveyances, the most delicate and choice viands at a ​repast,—in fact, every thing that is most comfortable, or that can at all be a matter of preference,—is generously yielded by gentlemen to ladies, not as their right, but from feelings of kindness, or from the dictate of that genuine politeness that always prefers another. So habitual is this to gentlemen, that a young lady meeting with deference and attention every where, is apt to fall into the error of supposing that it belongs to her sex as a right, instead of being yielded by good feeling. We can suppose no other to be the reason why so many ladies, instead of waiting for these preferences to be shown, boldly claim them; or, when shown, never seem to imagine that a polite acknowledgment of the kindness is the smallest return they can make. How often do we see a lady at a concert, or other public place, walk deliberately up to a gentleman who has come much earlier than she has, in order to secure a good seat, and stand in front of him, with a look or manner that says, as plain as words, “Come, sir! give place. I wish to have that seat.” The same rudeness and want of respect to the rights of the other sex are daily seen by those who ride in omnibuses. The stage is stopped, and a lady of this class comes to the door for the purpose of entering, and finds every seat taken. Instead of at once retiring, ​she coolly waits for the gentleman nearest the door to get out of the vehicle, in order that she may get in; and it most generally happens that, for the sake of appearances alone, some one of them yields his place,—no matter whether he be too much indisposed to walk without great fatigue, or be in haste on important business,—and the lady gets in, perfectly unconscious of the fact that every one of her male fellow-passengers feels that she has trespassed upon their good feelings as men. The true lady, the moment she discovers that the stage is full, retires; but it is very rarely that she is not immediately recalled by some one, who says he has but a short distance farther to go, or who will stand outside, or who professes to be in no hurry, and would just as lief walk as ride. When pains are thus taken to make room for a lady, she should, in most cases, accept the offered seat with an expression of thanks, as, by so doing, she will afford the person who tenders it far more pleasure than if she were to decline the politeness. There is often more lady-like feeling displayed in accepting an offered kindness, than in declining it. It is not a little curious to see how these very ladies, who expect so much from gentlemen, seem to forget that any thing is due from them. Who has not come to the door of an omnibus, ​one side of which had its complement of six, while upon the other side four ladies had spread themselves out, from end to end of the seat, not one of whom would move an inch to make place for another, who had an absolute right to a part they were ungenerously occupying? It is usually a matter of indifference whether the new passenger be a lady or a gentleman; no offer of a seat is made, and the passenger has to retire, while the owners of the vehicle are wronged out of a portion of their profits.
All these things are noticed in a moment by gentlemen, and form subjects of remark among them. Some, with more independent firmness than others, make it a rule never to yield their rights to any woman who thus rudely demands a deference to her convenience; while to a true lady they voluntarily render every attention, and yield every preference.
Young ladies should, on entering society, learn to think correctly, that they may act correctly, in all matters relating to their intercourse with gentlemen. By always remembering that they have no real title to a preference in every thing, they will be sure to receive with a proper feeling, and a proper acknowledgment of the kindness, all polite attentions and preferences that are accorded to them by the other sex. ​Instead of expecting to be always receiving attentions from gentlemen, there should be an effort made to reciprocate kind offices in every possible and proper way. The preference yielded, the attention offered, the generous self-denial made for your comfort, at the same time that it is accepted, should always be retained with an air that shows that you feel it to be a favor, and not a right to which you are entitled.