# The Mikado/Act I

THE MIKADO;
OR
THE TOWN OF TITIPU.
ACT I.
Scene.—Court-yard of Ko-Ko's Palace in Titipu. Japanese nobles discovered standing and sitting in attitudes suggested by native drawings.
CHORUS of NOBLES.
If you want to know who we are, We are gentlemen of Japan: On many a vase and jar— On many a screen and fan, We figure in lively paint: Our attitudes queer and quaint— You're wrong if you think it ain't, oh!
If you think we are worked by strings, Like a Japanese marionette, You don't understand these things: It is simply Court etiquette. Perhaps you suppose this throng Can't keep it up all day long? If that's your idea, you're wrong, oh!
RECIT.—Nanki-Poo.
Gentlemen, I pray you tell me Where a gentle maiden dwelleth, Named Yum-Yum, the ward of Ko-Ko? In pity speak—oh, speak, I pray you! A Noble.Why, who are you who ask this question? Nank.Come gather round me, and I'll tell you.
SONG and CHORUS.—Nanki-Poo.
A wandering minstrel I— A thing of shreds and patches, Of ballads, songs and snatches, And dreamy lullaby! My catalogue is long, Through every passion raging, And to your humours changing I tune my supple song! Are you in sentimental mood? I'll sigh with you, Oh, sorrow, sorrow! On maiden's coldness do you brood? I'll do so, too— Oh, sorrow, sorrow! I'll charm your willing ears With songs of lovers' fears, While sympathetic tears My cheeks bedew— Oh, sorrow, sorrow! But if patriotic sentiment is wanted, I've patriotic ballads cut and dried; For where'er our country's banner may be planted, All other local banners are defied! Our warriors, in serried ranks assembled, Never quail—or they conceal it if they do— And I shouldn't be surprised if nations trembled Before the mighty troops of Titipu! Chorus.We shouldn't be surprised, &c. Nank.And if you call for a song of the sea, We'll heave the capstan round, With a yeo heave ho, for the wind is free, Her anchor's a-trip and her helm's a-lee, Hurrah for the homeward bound! Chorus.Yeo-ho—heave ho— Hurrah for the homeward bound! ​To lay aloft in a howling breeze May tickle a landsman's taste, But the happiest hour a sailor sees Is when he's down At an inland town, With his Nancy on his knees, yeo ho! And his arm around her waist!
Chorus.Then man the capstan—off we go, As the fiddler swings us round, With a yeo heave ho, And a rum below, Hurrah for the homeward bound!
A wandering minstrel I, &c.
Enter Pish-Tush.
Pish. And what may be your business with Yum-Yum?
Nank. I'll tell you. A year ago I was a member of the Titipu town band. It was my duty to take the cap round for contributions. While discharging this delicate office I saw Yum-Yum. We loved each other at once, but she was betrothed to her guardian Ko-Ko, a cheap tailor, and I saw that my suit was hopeless. Overwhelmed with despair I quitted the town. Judge of my delight when I heard, a month ago, that Ko-Ko had been condemned to death for flirting! I hurried back at once, in the hope of finding Yum-Yum at liberty to listen to my protestations.
Pish. It is true that Ko-Ko was condemned to death for flirting, but he was reprieved at the last moment, and raised to the exalted rank of Lord High Executioner under the following remarkable circumstances:—
SONG.—Pish-Tush and Chorus.
Our great Mikado, virtuous man, When he to rule our land began, Resolved to try A plan whereby Young men might best be steadied. So he decreed, in words succinct, That all who flirted, leered or winked, (Unless connubially linked,) Should forthwith be beheaded.
​And I expect you'll all agree That he was right to so decree. And I am right, And you are right, And all is right as right can be!
Chorus. And you are right, And we are right, &c. This stern decree, you'll understand, Caused great dismay throughout the land! For young and old And shy and bold Were equally affected. The youth who winked a roving eye, Or breathed a non-connubial sigh, Was thereupon condemned to die— He usually objected. And you'll allow, as I expect, That he was right to so object. And I am right, And you are right, And everything is quite correct!
Chorus. And you are right, And we are right, &c. And so we straight let out on bail A convict from the county jail, Whose head was next On some pretext Condemned to be mown off, And made him Headsman, for we said, "Who's next to be decapited Cannot cut off another's head Until he's cut his own off." And we are right, I think you'll say, To argue in this kind of way And I am right, And you are right, And all is right—too-looral-lay!
Chorus. And you are right, And we are right, &c.
[Exeunt Chorus.
Enter Pooh-Bah.
Nank. Ko-Ko, the cheap tailor, Lord High Executioner of Titipu! Why, that's the highest rank a citizen can attain!
​Pooh. It is. Our logical Mikado, seeing no moral difference between the dignified Judge who condemns a criminal to die and the industrious mechanic who carries out the sentence, has rolled the two offices into one, and every Judge is now his own executioner.
Nank. But how good of you (for I see that you are a nobleman of the highest rank) to condescend to tell all this to me, a mere strolling minstrel!
Pooh. Don't mention it. I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. But I struggle hard to overcome this defect. I mortify my pride continually. When all the great officers of State resigned in a body, because they were too proud to serve under an ex-tailor, did I not unhesitatingly accept all their posts at once?
Pish. And the salaries attached to them? You did.
Pooh. It is consequently my degrading duty to serve this upstart as First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chief Justice, Commander-in-Chief, Lord High Admiral, Master of the Buckhounds, Groom of the Back Stairs, Archbishop of Titipu, and Lord Mayor, both acting and elect, all rolled into one. And at a salary! A Pooh-Bah paid for his services! I a salaried minion! But I do it! It revolts me, but I do it!
Nank. And it does you credit.
Pooh. But I don't stop at that. I go and dine with middle-class people on reasonable terms. I dance at cheap suburban parties for a moderate fee. I accept refreshment at any hands, however lowly. I also retail State secrets at a very low figure. For instance, any further information about Yum-Yum would come under the head of a State secret. (Nanki-Poo takes the hint, and gives him money.) (Aside.) Another insult, and I think a light one!
SONG.—Pooh-Bah with Nanki-Pooh and Pish.
Young man, despair, Likewise go to, Yum-Yum the fair You must not woo, It will not do: I'm sorry for you, You very imperfect ablutioner!
​This very day From school Yum-Yum Will wend her way, And homeward come, With beat of drum And a rum-tum-tum, To wed the Lord High Executioner! And the brass will crash, And the trumpets bray, And they'll cut a dash On their wedding day. She'll toddle away, as all aver, With the Lord High Executioner! Nank. and Pooh.And the brass will crash, &c. It's a hopeless case, As you may see, And in your place Away I'd flee; But don't blame me— I'm sorry to be Of your pleasure a diminutioner. They'll vow their pact Extremely soon, In point of fact This afternoon Her honeymoon With that buffoon At seven, commences, so you shun her! All.And the brass will crash, &c.
[Exit Pish-Tush.
RECIT.—Nanki-Poo and Pooh-Bah.
Nank.And have I journeyed for a month, or nearly, To learn that Yum-Yum, whom I love so dearly, This day to Ko-Ko is to be united! Pooh.The fact appears to be as you've recited: But here he comes, equipped as suits his station; He'll give you any further information.
[Exeunt Pooh-Bah and Nanki-Poo.
Enter Chorus of Nobles.
Behold the Lord High Executioner! A personage of noble rank and title— A dignified and potent officer, Whose functions are particularly vital! Defer, defer, To the Lord High Executioner!
Enter Ko-Ko attended.
SOLO.—Ko-Ko.
Taken from the county jail By a set of curious chances; Liberated then on bail, On my own recognizances; Wafted by a favouring gale As one sometimes is in trances, To a height that few can scale, Save by long and weary dances; Surely, never had a male Under such like circumstances So adventurous a tale, Which may rank with most romances. Chorus.Defer, defer, To the Lord High Executioner, &c.
Ko.Gentlemen, I'm much touched by this reception. I can only trust that by strict attention to duty I shall ensure a continuance of those favours which it will ever be my study to deserve. If I should ever be called upon to act professionally, I am happy to think that there will be no difficulty in finding plenty of people whose loss will be a distinct gain to society at large.
SONG.—Ko-Ko with Chorus of Men.
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I've got a little list — I've got a little list Of society offenders who might well be underground, And who never would be missed — who never would be missed! There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs— All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs— All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat— All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that— And all third persons who on spoiling tête-à-têtes insist— They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed! Chorus. He's got 'em on the list — he's got 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed. There's the nigger serenader, and the others of his race, And the piano organist — I've got him on the list! And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face. They never would be missed — they never would be missed! Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, All centuries but this, and every country but his own; And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy, And "who doesn't think she dances, but would rather like to try"; And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist—
Chorus.He's got her on the list— he's got her on the list; And I don't think she'll be missed— I'm sure she'll not be missed! And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife, The Judicial humorist— I've got him on the list! All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life— They'd none of 'em be missed— they'd none of 'em be missed And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind, Such as— what d'ye call him— Thing'em-bob, and likewise— Never mind, And 'St— 'st— 'st— and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who— The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you. But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list, For they'd none of 'em be missed— they'd none of 'em be missed! Chorus.You may put 'em on the list— you may put 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed— they'll none of 'em be missed!
[Exeunt Chorus.
Enter Pooh-Bah.
Ko. Pooh-Bah, it seems that the festivities in connection with my approaching marriage must last a week. I should like to do it handsomely, and I want to consult you as to the amount I ought to spend upon them.
Pooh. Certainly. In which of my capacities? As First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chamberlain, Attorney-General, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Privy Purse, or Private Secretary?
Ko. Suppose we say as Private Secretary.
Pooh. Speaking as your Private Secretary, I should say that as the city will have to pay for it, don't stint yourself— do it well.
Ko. Exactly— as the city will have to pay for it. That is your advice.
Pooh. As Private Secretary. Of course you will understand that, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, I am bound to see that due economy is observed.
Ko. Oh! But you said just now "don't stint yourself, do it well."
Pooh. As Private Secretary.
Ko. And now you say that due economy must be observed.
Pooh. As Chancellor of the Exchequer.
Ko. I see. Come over here, where the Chancellor can't hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, as my Solicitor, how do you advise me to deal with this difficulty?
Pooh. Oh. as your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in saying "chance it—"
Ko. Thank you. (Shaking his hand.) I will.
​Pooh. If it were not that, as Lord Chief Justice, I am bound to see that the law isn't violated.
Ko. I see. Come over here where the Chief Justice can't hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, then, as First Lord of the Treasury?
Pooh. Of course, as First Lord of the Treasury, I could propose a special vote that would cover all expenses, if it were not that, as Leader of the Opposition, it would be my duty to resist it, tooth and nail. Or, as Paymaster-General, I could so cook the accounts that, as Lord High Auditor, I should never discover the fraud. But then, as Archbishop of Titipu, it would be my duty to denounce my dishonesty and give myself into my own custody as First Commissioner of Police.
Ko. That's extremely awkward.
Pooh. I don't say that all these distinguished people couldn't be squared; but it is right to tell you that they wouldn't be sufficiently degraded in their own estimation unless they are insulted with a very considerable bribe.
Ko. The matter shall have my careful consideration. But my bride and her sisters approach, and any little compliment on your part, such as an abject grovel in a characteristic Japanese attitude, would be esteemed a favour.
[Exeunt together.
Enter procession of Yum-Yum's schoolfellows, heralding Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing.
CHORUS of GIRLS.
Comes a train of little ladies From scholastic trammels free, Each a little bit afraid is, Wondering what the world can be!
Is it but a world of trouble— Sadness set to song? Is its beauty but a bubble Bound to break ere long?
Are its palaces and pleasures Fantasies that fade? And the glory of its treasures Shadow of a shade?
Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under. From scholastic trammels free, And we wonder— how we wonder!— What on earth the world can be!
TRIO.
Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing, with Chorus of Girls.
The Three. Three little maids from school are we, Pert as a schoolgirl well can be, Filled to the brim with girlish glee, Three little maids from school! Yum-Yum.Everything is a source of fun. (Chuckle.) Peep-Bo.Nobody's safe, for we care for none! (Chuckle.) Pitti-Sing.Life is a joke that's just begun! (Chuckle.) The Three. Three little maids from school! All (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary, Come from a ladies' seminary, Freed from its genius tutelary— The Three (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school! Yum-Yum.One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum— Peep-Bo.Two little maids in attendance come— Pitti-Sing.Three little maids is the total sum. The Three. Three little maids from school! Yum-Yum.From three little maids take one away. Peep-Bo.Two little maids remain, and they— Pitti-Sing.Won't have to wait very long, they say— The Three. Three little maids from school! All (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary, Come from a ladies' seminary, Freed from its genius tutelary— The Three (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school!
(Enter Ko-Ko and Pooh-Bah.)
Ko. At last, my bride that is to be! (About to embrace her.)
Yum. You're not going to kiss me before all these people?
Ko. Well, that was the idea.
Yum. (aside to Peep-Bo). It seems odd, doesn't it?
Peep. It's rather peculiar.
Pitti. Oh, I expect it's all right. Must have a beginning, you know.
Yum. Well, of course I know nothing about these things; but I've no objection if it's usual.
Ko. Oh, it's quite usual, I think. Eh, Lord Chamberlain? (Appealing to Pooh-Bah.)
Pooh. I have known it done. (Ko-Ko embraces her.) ​Yum. Thank goodness that's over! (Sees Nanki-Poo, and rushes to him.) Why, that's never you? (The Three Girls rush to him and shake his hands, all speaking at once.)
| $\scriptstyle {\left\{{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right.}$ | Yum. Oh, I'm so glad! I haven't seen you for ever so long, and I'm right at the top of the school, and I've got three prizes, and I've come home for good, and I'm not going back any more! |
| $\scriptstyle {\left\{{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right.}$ | Peep. And have you got an engagement?— Yum-Yum's got one, but she doesn't like it, and she'd ever so much rather it was you! I've come home for good, and I'm not going back any more! |
| $\scriptstyle {\left\{{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right.}$ | Pitti. Now tell us all the news, because you go about everywhere, and we've been at school, but, thank goodness, that's all over now, and we've come home for good, and we're not going back any more! |
(These three speeches are spoken together in one breath.)
Ko. I beg your pardon. Will you present me?
| Yum. | $\scriptstyle {\left\{{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right.}$ | Oh, this is the musician who used— |
| Peep. | $\scriptstyle {\left\{{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right.}$ | Oh, this is the gentleman who used— |
| Pitti. | $\scriptstyle {\left\{{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right.}$ | Oh, it is only Nanki-Poo who used— |
Ko. One at a time, if you please.
Yum. Oh, if you please he's the gentleman who used to play so beautifully on the— on the—
Pitti. On the Marine Parade.
Yum. Yes, I think that was the name of the instrument.
Nank. Sir, I have the misfortune to love your ward, Yum-Yum— oh, I know I deserve your anger!
Ko. Anger! not a bit, my boy. Why, I love her myself. Charming little girl, isn't she? Pretty eyes, nice hair. Taking little thing, altogether. Very glad to hear my opinion backed by a competent authority. Thank you very much. Good-bye. (To Pish-Tush.) Take him away. (Pish-Tush removes him.)
Pitti. (who has been examining Pooh-Bah). I beg your pardon, but what is this? Customer come to try on?
Ko. That is a Tremendous Swell.
Pitti. Oh, it's alive. (She starts back in alarm.)
Pooh. Go away, little girls. Can't talk to little girls like you. Go away, there's dears.
Ko. Allow me to present you, Pooh-Bah. These are my three wards. The one in the middle is my bride elect.
Pooh. What do you want me to do to them? Mind, I will not kiss them.
Ko. No, no, you shan't kiss them; a little bow— a mere nothing— you needn't mean it, you know.
Pooh. It goes against the grain. They are not young ladies, they are young persons. ​Ko. Come, come, make an effort, there's a good nobleman.
Pooh. (aside to Ko-Ko). Well, I shan't mean it. (With a great snort.) How de do, little girls, how de do? (Aside.) Oh, my protoplasmal ancestor!
Ko. That's very good. (Girls indulge in suppressed laughter.)
Pooh. I see nothing to laugh at. It is very painful to me to have to say "How de do, little girls, how de do?" to young persons. I'm not in the habit of saying "How de do, little girls, how de do?" to anybody under the rank of a Stockbroker.
Ko. (aside to girls). Don't laugh at him, he can't help it— he's under treatment for it. (Aside to Pooh-Bah.) Never mind them, they don't understand the delicacy of your position.
Pooh. We know how delicate it is, don't we?
Ko. I should think we did ! How a nobleman of your importance can do it at all is a thing I never can, never shall understand.
(Ko-Ko retires up and goes off.)
QUARTET and CHORUS of GIRLS.
Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, Pitti-Sing, and Pooh-Bah.
Yum., Peep. and Pitti. So please you, Sir, we much regret If we have failed in etiquette Towards a man of rank so high— We shall know better by and by. Yum. But youth, of course, must have its fling, So pardon us, So pardon us, Pitti. And don't, in girlhood's happy spring, Be hard on us, Be hard on us, If we're inclined to dance and sing. Tra la la, &c. (Dancing.) Chorus of Girls. But youth, of course, &c. Pooh. I think you ought to recollect You cannot show too much respect Towards the highly titled few; But nobody does, and why should you! That youth at us should have its fling, Is hard on us, Is hard on us; To our prerogative we cling— So pardon us, So pardon us. If we decline to dance and sing. Tra la la, &c (Dancing.)
Chorus of Girls. But youth, of course, must have its fling, &c.
(Exeunt all but Yum-Yum.)
Enter Nanki-Poo.
Nank. Yum-Yum, at last we are alone! I have sought you night and day for three weeks, in the belief that your guardian was beheaded, and I find that you are about to be married to him this afternoon!
Yum. Alas, yes!
Nank. But you do not love him?
Yum. Alas, no!
Nank. Modified rapture! But why do you not refuse him?
Yum. What good would that do? He's my guardian, and he wouldn't let me marry you!
Nank. But I would wait until you were of age!
Yum. You forget that in Japan girls do not arrive at years of discretion until they are fifty.
Nank. True; from seventeen to forty-nine are considered years of indiscretion.
Yum. Besides— a wandering minstrel, who plays a wind instrument outside tea-houses, is hardly a fitting husband for the ward of a Lord High Executioner.
Nank. But— (Aside.) Shall I tell her? Yes! She will not betray me! (Aloud.) What if it should prove that, after all, I am no musician!
Yum. There! I was certain of it, directly I heard you play!
Nank. What if it should prove that I am no other than the son of his Majesty the Mikado?
Yum. The son of the Mikado! But why is your Highness disguised? And what has your Highness done? And will your Highness promise never to do it again?
Nank. Some years ago I had the misfortune to captivate Katisha, an elderly lady of my father's Court. She misconstrued my customary affability into expressions of affection, and claimed me in marriage, under my father's law. My father, the Lucius Junius Brutus of his race, ordered me to marry her within a week, or perish ignominiously on the scaffold. That night I fled his Court, and, assuming the disguise of a Second Trombone. I joined the band in which you found me when I had the happiness of seeing you! (Approaching her.)
Yum (retreating). If you please, I think your Highness had better not come too near. The laws against flirting are excessively severe.
Nank. But we are quite alone, and nobody can see us. ​Yum. Still, that doesn't make it right. To flirt is capital.
Nank. It is capital!
Yum. And we must obey the law.
Nank. Deuce take the law!
Yum. I wish it would, but it won't.
Nank. If it were not for that, how happy we might be!
Yum. Happy indeed!
Nank. If it were not for the law, we should now be sitting side by side, like that. (Sits by her.)
Yum. Instead of being obliged to sit half a mile off, like that. (Crosses and sits at other side of stage.)
Nank. We should be gazing into each other's eyes, like that. (Gazing at her sentimentally.)
Yum. Breathing sighs of unutterable love— like that. (Sighing and gazing lovingly at him.)
Nank. With our arms round each other's waists, like that. (Embracing her.)
Yum. Yes, if it wasn't for the law.
Nank. If it wasn't for the law.
Yum. As it is, of course, we couldn't do anything of the kind.
Nank. Not for worlds!
Yum. Being engaged to Ko-Ko, you know!
Nank. Being engaged to Ko-Ko!
DUET.— Yum-Yum and Nanki-Poo.
Nank. Were you not to Ko-Ko plighted, I would say in tender tone, "Loved one, let us be united— Let us be each other's own!" I would merge all rank and station, Worldly sneers are nought to us, And, to mark my admiration, I would kiss you fondly thus— (Kisses her.) Both. I/He would kiss you/me fondly thus- (Kiss.) Yum. But as I'm engaged to Ko-Ko, To embrace you thus, con fuoco, Would distinctly be no gioco, And for yam I should get toco— Both. Toco, toco, toco, toco!
Nank. So, in spite of all temptation, Such a theme I'll not discuss, And on no consideration Will I kiss you fondly thus— (Kissing her.) Let me make it clear to you, This is what I'll never do! This, oh this, oh this, oh this— (Kissing her.) Together.This, oh this, &c.
[Exeunt in opposite directions.
Enter Ko-Ko.
Ko. (looking after Yum-Yum). There she goes! To think how entirely my future happiness is wrapped up in that little parcel! Really, it hardly seems worth while! Oh, matrimony!— (Enter Pooh-Bah and Pish-Tush) Now then, what is it? Can't you see I'm soliloquizing? You have interrupted an apostrophe, sir!
Pish. I am the bearer of a letter from his Majesty the Mikado.
Ko. (taking it from him reverentially). A letter from the Mikado! What in the world can he have to say to me? (Reads letter.) Ah, here it is at last! I thought it would come sooner or later! The Mikado is struck by the fact that no executions have taken place in Titipu for a year, and decrees that unless somebody is beheaded within one month the post of Lord High Executioner shall be abolished, and the city reduced to the rank of a village!
Pish. But that will involve us all in irretrieveable ruin!
Ko. Yes. There is no help for it, I shall have to execute somebody at once. The only question is, who shall it be?
Pooh. Well, it seems unkind to say so, but as you're already under sentence of death for flirting, everything seems to point to you.
Ko. To me? What are you talking about? I can't execute myself.
Pooh. Why not?
Ko. Why not? Because, in the first place, self-decapitation is an extremely difficult, not to say dangerous, thing to attempt; and, in the second, it's suicide, and suicide is a capital offence.
Pooh. That is so, no doubt.
Pish. We might reserve that point.
Pooh. True, it could be argued six months hence before the full Court.
Ko. Besides, I don't see how a man can cut off his own head.
Pooh. A man might try.
Pish. Even if you only succeeded in cutting it half off, that would be something.
Pooh. It would be taken as an earnest of your desire to comply with the Imperial will. ​Ko. No. Pardon me, but there I am adamant. As official Headsman, my reputation is at stake, and I can't consent to embark on a professional operation unless I see my way to a successful result.
Pooh. This professional conscientiousness is highly creditable to you, but it places us in a very awkward position.
Ko. My good sir, the awkwardness of your position is grace itself compared with that of a man engaged in the act of cutting off his own head.
Pish. I am afraid that, unless you can obtain a substitute—
Ko. A substitute? Oh, certainly— nothing easier. (To Pooh-Bah). Pooh-Bah, I appoint you Lord High Substitute.
Pooh. I should be delighted. Such an appointment would realise my fondest dreams. But no, at any sacrifice, I must set bounds to my insatiable ambition!
TRIO
| Ko-Ko. My brain it teems With endless schemes Both good and new For Titipu; But if I flit, The benefit That I'd diffuse The town would lose! Now every man To aid his clan Should plot and plan As best he can, And so, Although I’m ready to go, Yet recollect 'Twere disrespect Did I neglect To thus effect This aim direct, So I object— So I object— So I object— | Pooh-Bah. I am so proud, If I allowed My family pride To be my guide, I’d volunteer To quit this sphere Instead of you, In a minute or two. But family pride Must be denied, And set aside. And mortified. And so, Athough I wish to go, And greatly pine To brightly shine, And take the line Of a hero fine, With grief condign I must decline— I must decline— I must decline— | Pish-Tush. I heard one day A gentleman say That criminals who Are cut in two Can hardly feel The fatal steel, And so are slain Without much pain. If this is true, It's jolly for you; Your courage screw To bid us adieu, And go And show Both friend and foe How much you dare. I'm quite aware It's your affair, Yet I declare I’d take your share, But I don’t much care I don’t much care— I don’t much care— |
AllTo sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock. In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock, Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock, From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
[Exeunt Pooh. and Pish.
Nank. Oh, go on— don t mind me.
Ko. What are you going to do with that rope?
Nank. I am about to terminate an unendurable existence.
Ko. Terminate your existence? Oh, nonsense! What for?
Nank. Because you are going to marry the girl I adore.
Ko. Nonsense, sir. I won't permit it. I am a humane man, and if you attempt anything of the kind I shall order your instant arrest. Come, sir, desist at once, or I summon my guard.
Nank. That's absurd. If you attempt to raise an alarm, I instantly perform the Happy Despatch with this dagger.
Ko. No, no, don't do that. This is horrible! (Suddenly.) Why, you cold-blooded scoundrel, are you aware that, in taking your life, you are committing a crime which— which— which is— Oh! (Struck by an idea.) Substitute!
Nank. What's the matter?
Ko. Is it absolutely certain that you are resolved to die?
Nank. Absolutely!
Ko. Will nothing shake your resolution?
Nank. Nothing.
Ko. Threats, entreaties, prayers— all useless?
Nank. All! My mind is made up.
Ko. Then, if you really mean what you say, and if you are absolutely resolved to die, and if nothing whatever will shake your determination— don't spoil yourself by committing suicide, but be beheaded handsomely at the hands of the Public Executioner.
Nank. I don't see how that would benefit me.
Ko. You don't? Observe: you'll have a month to live, and you'll live like a fighting cock at my expense. When the day comes there'll be a grand public ceremonial— you'll be the central figure— no one will attempt to deprive you of that distinction. There'll be a procession— bands— dead march— bells tolling— all the girls in tears— Yum-Yum distracted— then, when it's all over, general rejoicings, and a display of fireworks in the evening. You won't see them, but they'll be there all the same.
​Nank. Do you think Yum-Yum would really be distracted at my death?
Ko. I am convinced of it. Bless you, she's the most tender-hearted little creature alive.
Nank. I should be sorry to cause her pain. Perhaps, after all, if I were to withdraw from Japan, and travel in Europe for a couple of years, I might contrive to forget her.
Ko. Oh, I don't think you could forget Yum-Yum so easily; and, after all, what is more miserable than a love-blighted life?
Nank. True.
Ko. Life without Yum-Yum— why, it seems absurd!
Nank. And yet there are a good many people in the world who have to endure it.
Ko. Poor devils, yes! You are quite right not to be of their number.
Nank. (suddenly). I won't be of their number!
Ko. Noble fellow!
Nank. I'll tell you how we'll manage it. Let me marry Yum-Yum to-{{sc|morrow, and in a month you may behead me.
Ko. No, no. I draw the line at Yum-Yum.
Nank. Very good. If you can draw the line, so can I. (Preparing rope.)
Ko. Stop, stop— listen one moment— be reasonable. How can I consent to your marrying Yum-Yum if I'm going to marry her myself.
Nank. My good friend, she'll be a widow in a month, and you can marry her then.
Ko. That's true, of course. I quite see that. But, dear me! my position during the next month will be most unpleasant— most unpleasant.
Nank. Not half so unpleasant as my position at the end of it.
Ko. But— dear me!— well— I agree— after all, it's only putting off my wedding for a month. But you won't prejudice her against me, will you? You see, I've educated her to be my wife; she's been taught to regard me as a wise and good man. Now I shouldn't like her views on that point disturbed.
FINALE.
Enter Chorus, Pooh-Bah, and Pish-Tush.
CHORUS.
With aspect stern and gloomy stride, We come to learn how you decide. Don't hesitate your choice to name, A dreadful fate you'll suffer all the same. Pooh. To ask you what you mean to do we punctually appear. Ko. Congratulate me, gentlemen, I've found a Volunteer! All. The Japanese equivalent for Hear, Hear, Hear! Ko.(presenting him). 'Tis Nanki-Poo! All.Hail, Nanki-Poo! Ko.I think he'll do? All.Yes, yes, he'll do! Ko. He yields his life if I'll Yum-Yum surrender. Now I adore that girl with passion tender, And could not yield her with a ready will, Or her allot, if I did not Adore myself with passion tenderer still!
Enter Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing.
All.Ah, yes! He loves himself with passion tenderer still! Ko. (to Nanki-Poo). Take her— she's yours!
[Exit Ko-Ko.
ENSEMBLE.
Nanki-Poo.The threatened cloud has passed away, Yum-Yum.And brightly shines the dawning day; Nanki-Poo.What though the night may come too soon, Yum-Yum.There's yet a month of afternoon!
Nanki-Poo, Pooh-Bah, Pish-Tush, Yum-Yum, Pitti-Sing and Peep-Bo.
Then let the throng our joy advance, With laughing song and merry dance, Chorus.With joyous shout and ringing cheer, Inaugurate our brief career! &c. Pitti-Sing.A day, a week, a month, a year— Yum.Or far or near, or far or near, Pooh.Life's eventime comes much too soon, Pitti-Sing.You'll live at least a honeymoon! AllThen let the throng, &c. Chorus.With joyous shout, &c
SOLO.— Pooh-Bah.
As in a month you've got to die, If Ko-Ko tells us true, 'Twere empty compliment to cry "Long life to Nanki-Poo!" But as one month you have to live As fellow-citizen, This toast with three times three we'll give— "Long life to you— till then!"[Exit Pooh-Bah. Chorus.May all good fortune prosper you, May you have health and riches, too, May you succeed in all you do! Long life to you — till then!
(Dance.)
Enter Katisha melodramatically.
Kat. Your revels cease! Assist me, all of you! Chorus.Why, who is this whose evil eyes Rain blight on our festivities? Kat. I claim my perjured lover, Nanki-Poo! Oh fool! to shun delights that never cloy! Chorus. Go, leave thy deadly work undone! Kat. Come back, oh shallow fool ! come back to joy! Chorus. Away, away! ill-favoured one! Nank. (aside to Yum-Yum).Ah! Tis Katisha! The maid of whom I told you. (About to go.) Kat. (detaining him). No! You shall not go, These arms shall thus enfold you!
SONG.— Katisha.
Kat. (addressing Nanki-Poo). Oh fool, that fleest my hallowed joys! Oh blind, that seest no equipoise! Oh rash, that judgest from half, the whole! Oh base, that grudgest love's lightest dole! Thy heart unbind, oh fool, oh blind! Give me my place, oh rash, oh base! Chorus.If she's thy bride, restore her place, Oh fool, oh blind, oh rash, oh base!
Kat. (addressing Yum-Yum). Pink cheek, that rulest where wisdom serves! Bright eye, that foolest heroic nerves! Rose lip, that scornest lore-laden years! Smooth tongue, that warmest who rightly hears! Thy doom is nigh, pink cheek, bright eye! Thy knell is rung, rose lip, smooth tongue! Chorus.If true her tale, thy knell is rung, Pink cheek, bright eye, rose lip, smooth tongue! Pitti-Sing.Away, nor prosecute your quest—
From our intention, well expressed, You cannot turn us! The state of your connubial views Towards the person you accuse Does not concern us! For he's going to marry Yum-Yum— All.Yum-Yum! Pitti.Your anger pray bury, for all will be merry, I think you had better succumb— All.Cumb— cumb! Pitti.And join our expressions of glee. On this subject I pray you be dumb— All.Dumb— dumb. Pitti. You'll find there are many who'll wed for a penny— The word for your guidance is "Mum"— All.Mum— mum! Pitti. There's lots of good fish in the sea! All. On this subject we pray you be dumb, &c.
SOLO.— Katisha.
The hour of gladness is dead and gone; In silent sadness I live alone! The hope I cherished all lifeless lies, And all has perished save love, which never dies! Oh faithless one, this insult you shall rue! In vain for mercy on your knees you'll sue. I'll tear the mask from your disguising! Nank. (aside).Now comes the blow! Kat.Prepare yourself for news surprising! Nank. (aside).How foil my foe? Kat.No minstrel he, despite bravado! Yum. (aside, struck by an idea).Ha! ha! I know!
Kat. He is the son of your—
(Nanki-Poo, Yum-Yum, and Chorus, interrupting, sing Japanese words, to. drown her voice.)
O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! Kat. In vain you interrupt with this tornado! He is the only son of your— All.O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! Kat. I'll spoil— All.O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! Kat. Your gay gambado— he is the son! All.O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! Kat.Of your— All.O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! Kat. The son of your— All.O ni! bakkuri shakkuri to! oya! oya!
ENSEMBLE.
| Katisha. Ye torrents roar! Ye tempests howl! Your wrath outpour With angry growl! Do ye your worst, my vengeance call Shall rise triumphant over all! Prepare for woe, Ye haughty lords, At once I go Mikado-wards, My wrongs with vengeance shall be crowned! My wrongs with vengeance shall be crowned! | The Others. We'll hear no more, Ill-omened owl, To joy we soar, Despite your scowl! The echoes of our festival Shall rise triumphant over all! Away you go, Collect your hordes; Proclaim your woe In dismal chords; We do not need their dismal sound. For joy reigns everywhere around. |
Katisha rushes furiously up stage, clearing the crowd away right and left, finishing on steps at the back of stage.)
End of Act I.