# Advice to Young Ladies/Chapter 19

Chapter XIX.
The Year after Marriage.
Happy beyond expression in finding herself the wedded wife of the man in whom are centred, she would fain believe, all the virtues of his sex, a young woman is apt to forget that the new position in which she is placed is not without its trials. But she must remember that neither herself nor her husband is perfect. Both are young and inexperienced, with characters not yet fully developed, and the hereditary taint of selfishness uncorrected.
The first year after marriage is that which usually tries most severely the young wife, and awakens her to realities that sometimes, for a brief season, deeply sadden her spirit. It is by no means improbable that her husband suffers equally with herself. The cause lies in the fact that neither the one nor the other is faultless. Both, by nature, are selfish. They have this selfishness by hereditary transmission from their parents; and it cannot be removed until they have attained mature age, and then resist its perverting influences as evil. All their education ​from childhood up, with all the good principles taught them by parents and teachers, becomes means in their hands whereby they are to resist their natural tendencies to evil and overcome them. But this is not the work of a moment, but of a whole lifetime. At the period when marriage usually takes place, but little progress has been made in overcoming the natural inclinations. From pride, interest, a love of reputation, or other causes, they are concealed from view; but whatever they are, they will inevitably show themselves to the young wife or young husband before much time passes beyond the honeymoon. The selfishness of one or both, in some little or great matter, will inevitably exhibit itself, to the surprise and grief of the other.
The young man has been, we will suppose, his own master for some two or three years. He has been in the habit of thinking for himself, and consulting his own reason and inclinations in every thing. He has been in perfect freedom. But now he finds that he can no longer do this; he is no longer free. Another has come into so close a relationship with him, that he can scarcely think without in some way affecting her. There is another will, also, whose promptings have to be regarded. It is hardly to be supposed that he will at once be able to see his duty to his young ​wife, and do it at the sacrifice of feeling and inclination.
Another source of unhappiness will arise from this fact: During the period of courtship, the young man consults the tastes, wishes, inclinations, and preferences of the young lady, and makes them his own. In every thing, he defers to her. It is his highest delight to make her happy, and to effect this he is ready for almost any sacrifice. After marriage, the bride still expects this entire devotion to her, and the same deference. But erelong she finds that the husband is less assiduous than the lover, and is unreasonable enough to have a will of his own, tastes of his own, inclinations and preferences of his own, and, what is worse, disposed to consult them where they differ from hers, instead of yielding all, as before. It may be, that, in the first excitement of the moment, on discovering this, she will set her will in opposition to her husband’s, and endeavor to put him down. Usually, this experiment proves a difficult one, and causes her to shed many bitter tears. She may become angry, and bring accusations of want of affection, and selfishness, and all that, against her husband; and he, surprised and confounded at this unexpected turn of affairs, may act and speak in a very unreasonable, and perhaps unkind manner.
​All this had better be avoided, if possible, and might be avoided, if each party were more given to reflection than young couples usually are; but it is not so very serious a matter, nor so much to be wondered at, and will work its own cure, but not until, by being made very unhappy a good many times, the young wife perceives her error, and the young husband is conscious that he is a little too self-willed.
It is not a trifling thing for two minds to come into such close contact and relationship with each other as marriage effects. And when we reflect that each inherits a tendency to love self supremely, and that each has indulged and given strength to this tendency, it is not at all to be wondered at, that there should at first be some strings of discord jarred. It would be stranger still were it otherwise; for every selfish affection, when it becomes active, seeks its own ends, regardless of the good of another.
From these causes, the first year after marriage will usually be found the most trying and difficult one that a young couple has to pass. During that period, however, they will begin to understand themselves and each other better, and mutually correct the faults that produced unhappiness.
It does not always happen that the young wife ​sets her will against that of her husband; but it almost always happens that she finds him much more disposed to consult his own tastes and inclinations than he was previous to marriage; and she will, very naturally, feel disappointed at this, and be led to think that he does not love her as much as she was led to believe that he did.
The perfections with which young lovers are apt to invest the objects of their choice are usually about as much in imagination as reality. Faultlessness appertains to no human being. All have defects, and all are born in evils. These evils, or the tendencies to them, cannot, as has before been said, be removed, except by each individual for himself, after he reaches the age of rationality and freedom. At the time when marriage takes place, but little has been done towards the removal of these evils, and their existence must therefore affect, in some measure, all who come into the very intimate relationship of man and wife. If, instead of being surprised and made unhappy, on feeling these effects, every young wife would seek to correct what was selfish and evil in her own heart, she would so far enable her husband to do the same, and so far really help to make him what, in the fond idolatry of her young heart, she at first was inclined to believe him.
​Let every young wife remember, that, to be truly happy, both herself and her husband must be governed by religious principles in all their conduct towards each other and society. If they give themselves up to a mere life of pleasure, they will commit a great mistake; for pleasure, sought as an end, always defeats itself. To do this is to act from mere selfishness—a motive entirely unworthy of the human mind. The majority of young persons who marry do not seem to have any idea of the true importance of the relation they have assumed. It does not seem to strike them as a very serious matter, or as involving duties and responsibilities of the most weighty character. They love, and, in simply attaining the object of their love, believe that they have arrived at the summit of happiness, and that happiness must continue to be theirs so long as this object is in possession. But, there being in this so much of mere selfishness, it is no wonder that, in a very short time, the scales fall from their eyes, and they are made sensibly to feel that something more is required of them than idly to rest in the supreme felicity of loving and being beloved.
It usually takes as long a period as a year to correct the misconceptions of a young married couple; and during this time, they often feel the ​jarring of discordant strings both in themselves and each other. Then they begin to see with a more purified vision, and to enter more seriously upon their duties in life, which call for earnestness of purpose, and a mutual looking to the same end. The very pressure of external circumstances brings them into a more intimate nearness to each other; and the effort to do right, in the various relations they hold to each other and society, hides more and more the faults of each, and brings forth into a clearer view the excellences that form the true groundwork of their characters.