# The Mikado/Act II

ACT II.
Scene.— Ko-Ko's Garden.
Yum-Yum discovered seated at her bridal toilet, surrounded by maidens, who are dressing her hair and painting her face and lips, as she judges of the effect in a mirror.
SOLO (Pitti-Sing and Chorus of Girls).
Chorus. Braid the raven hair— Weave the supple tress— Deck the maiden fair In her loveliness— Paint the pretty face— Dye the coral lip— Emphasize the grace Of her ladyship! Art and Nature, thus allied, Go to make a pretty bride.
SOLO.— Pitti-Sing.
Sit with downcast eye— Let it brim with dew— Try if you can cry— We will do so, too. When you're summoned, start Like a frightened doe— Flutter, little heart, Colour, come and go! Modesty at marriage tide Well becomes a pretty bride!
Chorus.
Braid the raven hair, &c.
[Exeunt Pitti-Sing, Peep-Bo and Chorus.
SONG.— Yum-Yum.
The sun, whose rays Are all ablaze With ever-living glory, Does not deny His majesty- He scorns to tell a story! He don't exclaim "I blush for shame, So kindly be indulgent." But, fierce and bold, In fiery gold, He glories all effulgent!
I mean to rule the earth, As he the sky— We really know our worth, The sun and I!
Observe his flame, That placid dame, The moon's Celestial Highness; There's not a trace Upon her face Of diffidence or shyness: She borrows light That, through the night, Mankind may all acclaim her! And, truth to tell, She lights up well, So I, for one, don't blame her!
Ah, pray make no mistake, We are not shy; We're very wide awake, The moon and I!
Enter Pitti-Sing and Peep-Bo.
Yum. Yes, everything seems to smile upon me. I am to be married to-day to the man I love best, and I believe I am the very happiest girl in Japan! ​Peep. The happiest girl indeed, for she is indeed to be envied who has attained happiness in all but perfection.
Yum. In "all but" perfection?
Peep. Well, dear, it can't be denied that the fact that your husband is to be beheaded in a month is, in its way, a drawback. It does seem to take the top off it, you know.
Pitti. I don't' know about that. It all depends!
Peep. At all events, he will find it a drawback.
Pitti. Not necessarily. Bless you, it all depends!
Yum. (in tears). I think it very indelicate of you to refer to such a subject on such a day. If my married happiness is to be— to be—
Peep. Cut short.
Yum. Well, cut short— in a month, can't you let me forget it? (Weeping.)
Enter Nanki-Poo, and Pish-Tush.
Nank. Yum-Yum in tears— and on her wedding morn!
Yum. (sobbing). They've been reminding me that in a month you're to be beheaded! (Bursts into tears.)
Pitti. Yes, we've been reminding her that you're to be beheaded. (Bursts into tears.)
Peep. It's quite true, you know, you are to be beheaded! (Bursts into tears.)
Nank. (aside). Humph! How some bridegrooms would be depressed by this sort of thing! (Aloud.) A month? well, what's a month? Bah! These divisions of time are purely arbitrary. Who says twenty-four hours make a day?
Pitti. There's a popular impression to that effect.
Nank. Then we'll efface it. We'll call each second a minute— each minute an hour—each hour a day— and each day a year. At that rate we've about thirty years of married happiness before us!
Peep. And, at that rate, this interview has already lasted four hours and three-quarters! (Exit Peep-Bo.)
Yum. (still sobbing). Yes. How time flies when one is thoroughly enjoying oneself!
Nank. That's the way to look at it! Don't let's be down-hearted! There's a silver lining to every cloud.
Yum. Certainly. Let's— let's be perfectly happy! (Almost in tears.)
Pish. By all means. Let's— let's thoroughly enjoy ourselves. ​Pitti. It's — it's absurd to cry! (Trying to force a laugh.)
Yum. Quite ridiculous! (Trying to laugh.)
(All break into a forced and melancholy laugh.)
MADRIGAL.
Yum-Yum, Pitti-Sing, Nanki-Poo, and Pish-Tush.
Brightly dawns our wedding day; Joyous hour, we give thee greeting! Whither, whither art thou fleeting? Fickle moment, prithee stay! What though mortal joys be hollow? Pleasures come, if sorrows follow : Though the tocsin sound, ere long Ding dong! Ding dong! Yet until the shadows fall Over one and over all, Sing a merry madrigal— A madrigal! Fal-la — fal-la! &c. (Ending in tears.)
Let us dry the ready tear, Though the hours are surely creeping, Little need for woeful weeping, Till the sad sundown is near. All must sip the cup of sorrow— I to-day and thou to-morrow; This the close of every song— Ding dong! Ding dong! What, though solemn shadows fall, Sooner, later, over all? Sing a merry madrigal— A madrigal! Fal-la — fal-la! &c. (Ending in tears.)
[Exeunt Pitti-Sing and Pish-Tush.
(Nanki-Poo embraces Yum-Yum.. Enter Ko-Ko. Nanki-Poo releases Yum-Yum.)
Ko. Go on— don't mind me.
Nank. I'm afraid we're distressing you.
Ko. Never mind, I must get used to it. Only please do it by degrees. Begin by putting your arm round her waist. (Nanki-Poo does so.) There; let me get used to that first.
Yum. Oh, would you like to retire? It must pain you to see us so affectionate together!
​Ko. No, I must learn to bear it! Now oblige me by allowing her head to rest on your shoulder.
Nank. Like that? (He does so. Ko-Ko much affected.)
Ko. I am much obliged to you. Now— kiss her! (He does so. Ko-Ko writhes with anguish.) Thank you— it's simple torture!
Yum. Come, come, bear up. After all, it's only for a month.
Ko. No. It's no use deluding oneself with false hopes.
| Nank. | $\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,$ | What do you mean? |
| Yum. | $\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,$ | What do you mean? |
Ko. (to Yum-Yum.) My child— my poor child! (Aside.) How shall I break it to her? (Aloud.) My little bride that was to have been—
Yum. (delighted). Was to have been?
Ko. Yes, you never can be mine!
| Nank. | $\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,$ | (in ecstacy). | $\scriptstyle {\left\{{\begin{matrix}\ \\\ \end{matrix}}\right.}$ | What! |
| Yum. | $\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,$ | (in ecstacy). | $\scriptstyle {\left\{{\begin{matrix}\ \\\ \end{matrix}}\right.}$ | I'm so glad! |
Ko. I've just ascertained that, by the Mikado's law, when a married man is beheaded his wife is buried alive.
| Nank. | $\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,$ | Buried alive! |
| Yum. | $\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,$ | Buried alive! |
Ko. Buried alive. It's a most unpleasant death.
Nank. But whom did you get that from?
Ko. Oh, from Pooh-Bah. He's my solicitor.
Yum. But he may be mistaken!
Ko. So I thought; so I consulted the Attorney-General, the Lord Chief Justice, the Master of the Rolls, the Judge Ordinary, and Lord Chancellor. They're all of the same opinion. Never knew such unanimity on a point of law in my life.
Nank. But stop a bit! This law has never been put in force.
Ko. Not yet. You see, flirting is the only crime punishable with decapitation, and married men never flirt.
Nank. Of course, they don't. I quite forgot that! Well, I suppose I may take it that my dream of happiness is at an end!
Yum. Darling— I don't want to appear selfish, and I love you with all my heart— I don't suppose I shall ever love anybody else half as much— but when I agreed to marry you— my own— I had no idea— pet— that I should have to be buried alive in a month!
Nank. Nor I! It's the very first I've heard of it!
Yum. It— it makes a difference, doesn't it?
Nank. It does make a difference, of course.
​Yum. You see— burial alive— it's such a stuffy death!
Nank. I call it a beast of a death.
Yum. You see my difficulty, don't you?
Nank. Yes, and I see my own. If I insist on your carrying out your promise, I doom you to a hideous death; if I release you, you marry Ko-Ko at once!
TRIO. — Yum-Yum, Nanki-Poo, and Ko-Ko.
Yum.Here's a how-de-do! If I marry you. When your time has come to perish, Then the maiden whom you cherish Must be slaughtered, too! Here's a how-de-do! Nank.Here's a pretty mess! In a month, or less, I must die without a wedding! Let the bitter tears I'm shedding Witness my distress, Here's a pretty mess! Ko.Here's a state of things! To her life she clings! Matrimonial devotion Doesn't seem to suit her notion— Burial it brings! Here's a state of things!
ENSEMBLE.
| Yum-Yum and Nanki-Poo. With a passion that's intense I worship and adore, But the laws of common sense We oughtn't to ignore. If what he says is true, 'Tis death to marry you! Here's a pretty state of things! Here's a pretty how-de-do! | Ko-Ko. With a passion that's intense You worship and adore, But the laws of common sense You oughtn't to ignore. If what I say is true, 'Tis death to marry you! Here's a pretty state of things! Here's a pretty how-de-do! |
[Exit Yum-Yum.
Ko. (going up to Nanki-Poo). My poor boy, I'm really very sorry for you.
Nank. Thanks, old fellow. I'm sure you are.
Ko. You see I'm quite helpless.
Nank. I quite see that.
​Ko. I can't conceive anything more distressing than to have one's marriage broken off at the last moment. But you shan't be disappointed of a wedding— you shall come to mine.
Nank. It's awfully kind of you, but that's impossible.
Ko. Why so?
Nank. To-day I die.
Ko. What do you mean?
Nank. I can't live without Yum-Yum. This afternoon I perform the Happy Despatch.
Ko. No, no— pardon me— I can't allow that.
Nank. Why not?
Ko. Why, hang it all, you're under contract to die by the hand of the Public Executioner in a month's time! If you kill yourself, what's to become of me? Why I shall have to be executed in your place!
Nank. It would certainly seem so!
Enter Pooh-Bah.
Ko. Now then, Lord Mayor, what is it?
Pooh. The Mikado and his suite are approaching the city, and will be here in ten minutes.
Ko. The Mikado! He's coming to see whether his orders have been carried out! (To Nanki-Poo.) Now look here, you know— this is getting serious— a bargain's a bargain, and you really mustn't frustrate the ends of justice by committing suicide. As a man of honour and a gentleman, you are bound to die ignominiously by the hands of the Public Executioner.
Nank. Very well, then— behead me.
Ko. What, now?
Nank. Certainly; at once.
Pooh. Chop it off! Chop it off!
Ko. My good sir, I don't go about prepared to execute gentlemen at a moment's notice. Why, I never even killed a blue-bottle!
Pooh. Still, as Lord High Executioner—
Ko. My good sir, as Lord High Executioner I've got to behead him in a month. I'm not ready yet. I don't know how it's done. I'm going to take lessons. I mean to begin with a guinea pig, and work my way through the animal kingdom till I come to a Second Trombone. Why, you don't suppose that, as a humane man, I'd have accepted the post of Lord High Executioner if I hadn't thought the duties were purely nominal? I can't kill you— I can't kill anything! I can't kill anybody! (Weeps.)
​Nank. Come, my poor fellow, we all have unpleasant duties to discharge at times; after all, what is it? If I don't mind, why should you? Remember, sooner or later it must be done.
Ko. (springing up suddenly). Must it? I'm not so sure about that!
Nank. What do you mean?
Ko. Why should I kill you when making an affidavit that you've been executed will do just as well? Here are plenty of witnesses— the Lord Chief Justice, Lord High Admiral, Commander-in-Chief, Secretary of State for the Home Department, First Lord of the Treasury, and Chief Commissioner of Police.
Nank. But where are they?
Ko. There they are. They'll all swear to it— won't you? (To Pooh-Bah.)
Pooh. Am I to understand that all of us high Officers of State are required to perjure ourselves to ensure your safety!
Ko. Why not? You'll be grossly insulted, as usual.
Pooh. Will the insult be cash down, or at a date?
Ko. It will be a ready-money transaction.
Pooh. (Aside.) Well, it will be a useful discipline. (Aloud.) Very good. Choose your fiction, and I'll endorse it! (Aside.) Ha! ha! Family Pride, how do you like that, my buck?
Nank. But I tell you that life without Yum-Yum—
Ko. Oh, Yum-Yum, Yum-Yum! Bother Yum-Yum! Here, Commissionaire (to Pooh-Bah), go and fetch Yum-Yum. (Exit Pooh-Bah.) Take Yum-Yum and marry Yum-Yum, only go away and never come back again. (Enter Pooh-Bah with Yum-Yum.) Here she is. Yum-Yum, are you particularly busy?
Yum. Not particularly.
Ko. You've five minutes to spare?
Yum. Yes.
Ko. Then go along with his Grace the Archbishop of Titipu; he'll marry you at once.
Yum. But if I'm to be buried alive?
Ko. Now don't ask any questions, but do as I tell you, and Nanki-Poo will explain all.
Nank. But one moment—
Ko. Not for worlds. Here comes the Mikado, no doubt to ascertain whether I've obeyed his decree, and if he finds you alive I shall have the greatest difficulty in persuading him that I've beheaded you. (Exit Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum, followed by Pooh-Bah.) Close thing that, for here he comes!
[Exit Ko-Ko.
March.—Enter procession, heralding Mikado, with Katisha.
ENTRANCE of MIKADO and KATISHA. ("March of the Mikado's troops.")
Chorus.Miya sama, miya sama. On n'm-ma no mayé ni Pira-Pira sum no wa Nan gia na Toko tonyaré tonyaré na?
DUET. — Mikado and Katisha.
Mik.From every kind of man Obedience I expect; I'm the Emperor of Japan—
Kat.And I'm his daughter-in-law elect! He'll marry his son (He's only got one) To his daughter-in-law elect.
Mik.My morals have been declared Particularly correct;
Kat.But they're nothing at all, compared With those of his daughter-in-law elect! Bow— Bow— To his daughter-in-law elect!
All.Bow— Bow— To his daughter-in-law elect.
Mik.In a fatherly kind of way I govern each tribe and sect, All cheerfully own my sway—
Kat.Except his daughter-in-law elect! As tough as a bone, With a will of her own. Is his daughter-in-law elect!
Mik.My nature is love and light— My freedom from all defect—
Kat.Is insignificant quite, Compared with his daughter-in-law elect! Bow— Bow— To his daughter-in-law elect!
All.Bow— Bow— To his daughter-in-law elect!
SONG. — Mikado and Chorus.
A more humane Mikado never Did in Japan exist, To nobody second, I'm certainly reckoned A true philanthropist. It is my very humane endeavour To make, to some extent, Each evil liver A running river Of harmless merriment.
My object all sublime I shall achieve in time— To let the punishment fit the crime— The punishment fit the crime— And make each prisoner pent Unwillingly represent A source of innocent merriment! Of innocent merriment!
All prosy dull society sinners, Who chatter and bleat and bore, Are sent to hear sermons From mystical Germans Who preach from ten till four. The amateur tenor, whose vocal villanies All desire to shirk, Shall, during off-hours, Exhibit his powers To Madame Tussaud's waxwork.
The lady who dies a chemical yellow, Or stains her grey hair puce, Or pinches her figger, Is blacked like a nigger With permanent walnut juice. The idiot who, in railway carriages, Scribbles on window-panes, We only suffer To ride on a buffer In Parliamentary trains
My object all sublime, &c.
Chorus.His object all sublime. &c.
The advertising quack who wearies With tales of countless cures, ​His teeth, I've enacted, Shall all be extracted By terrified amateurs The music-hall singer attends a series Of masses and fugues and "ops" By Bach, interwoven With Spohr and Beethoven, At classical Monday Pops. The billiard sharp whom anyone catches, His doom's extremely hard— He's made to dwell— In a dungeon cell
On a spot that's always barred. And there he plays extravagant matches In fitless finger-stalls On a cloth untrue, With a twisted cue And elliptical billiard balls! My object all sublime, &c.
Enter Pooh-Bah, Ko-Ko and Pitti-Sing. All kneel. (Pooh-Bah hands a paper to Ko-Ko.)
Ko. I am honoured in being permitted to welcome your Majesty. I guess the object of your Majesty's visit— your wishes have been attended to. The execution has taken place.
Mik. Oh, you've had an execution, have you?
Ko. Yes. The Coroner has just handed me his certificate.
Pooh. I am the Coroner. (Ko-Ko hands certificate to Mikado.)
Mik. And this is the certificate of his death. (Reads.) "At Titipu, in the presence of the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chief Justice, Attorney-General, Secretary of State for the Home Department, Lord Mayor, and Groom of the Second Floor Front—"
Pooh. They were all present, your Majesty. I counted them myself.
Mik. Very good house. I wish I'd been in time for the performance.
Ko. A tough fellow he was, too— a man of gigantic strength. His struggles were terrific. It was really a remarkable scene.
Mik. Describe it.
TRIO and CHORUS.—Pitti-Sing, Ko-Ko, Pooh-Bah, and Chorus.
Ko.The criminal cried, as he dropped him down. In a state of wild alarm— With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown, I bared my big right arm. ​I seized him by his little pig-tail, And on his knees fell he, As he squirmed and struggled, And gurgled and guggled, I drew my snickersnee! Oh, never shall I Forget the cry, Or the shriek that shriekèd he. As I gnashed my teeth, When from its sheath I drew my snickersnee!
Chorus.
We know him well, He cannot tell Untrue or groundless tales— He always tries To utter lies, And every time he fails. Pitti.He shivered and shook as he gave the sign For the stroke he didn't deserve; When all of a sudden his eye met mine, And it seemed to brace his nerve; For he nodded his head and kissed his hand, And he whistled an air, did he, As the sabre true Cut cleanly through His cervical vertebræ! When a man's afraid, A beautiful maid Is a cheering sight to see; And it's oh, I'm glad That moment sad Was soothed by the sight of me!
Chorus.
Her terrible tale You can't assail, With truth it quite agrees! Her taste exact For faultless fact Amounts to a disease. Pooh.Now though you'd have said that head was dead (For its owner dead was he), It stood on its neck, with a smile well bred, And bowed three times to me! ​It was none of your impudent off-hand nods, But as humble as could be; For it clearly knew The deference due To a man of pedigree! And it's oh, I vow, This deathly bow Was a touching sight to see; Though trunkless, yet It couldn't forget, The deference due to me!
Chorus.
This haughty youth, He speaks the truth Whenever he finds it pays! And in this case It all took place
[Exeunt Chorus.
Mik. All this is very interesting, and I should like to have seen it. But we came about a totally different matter. A year ago my son, the heir to the throne of Japan, bolted from our Imperial Court.
Ko. Indeed! Had he any reason to be dissatisfied with his position?
Kat. None whatever. On the contrary, I was going to marry him— yet he fled!
Pooh. I am surprised that he should have fled from one so lovely!
Kat. That's not true.
Pooh. No!
Kat. You hold that I am not beautiful because my face is plain. But you know nothing; you are still unenlightened. Learn, then, that it is not in the face alone that beauty is to be sought. My face is unattractive!
Pooh. It is.
Kat. But I have a left shoulder-blade that is a miracle of loveliness. People come miles to see it. My right elbow has a fascination that few can resist.
Pooh. Allow me!
Kat. It is on view Tuesdays and Fridays, on presentation of visiting card. As for my circulation, it is the largest in the world.
Ko. And yet he fled.
Mik. And is now masquerading in this town, disguised as a Second Trombone.
| Ko. | $\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,$ | A Second Trombone! |
| Pooh. | $\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,$ | A Second Trombone! |
| Pitti. | $\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,$ | A Second Trombone! |
Mik. Yes; would it be troubling you too much if I asked you to produce him? He goes by the name of—
Kat. Nanki-Poo.
Mik. Nanki-Poo.
Ko. It's quite easy. That is, it's rather difficult. In point of fact, he's gone abroad!
Mik. Gone abroad? His address.
Ko. Knightsbridge!
Kat. (who is reading certificate of death). Ha!
Mik. What's the matter?
Kat. See here— his name— Nanki-Poo— beheaded this morning. Oh, where shall I find another? Where shall I find another?
(Ko-Ko, Pooh-Bah, and Pitti-Sing fall on their knees.)
Mik (looking at paper.) Dear, dear, dear! this is very tiresome. (To Ko-Ko.) My poor fellow, in your anxiety to carry out my wishes you have beheaded the heir to the throne of Japan!
Ko. I beg to offer an unqualified apology.
Pooh. I desire to associate myself with that expression of regret.
Pitti. We really hadn't the least notion—
Mik. Of course you hadn't. How could you? Come, come, my good fellow, don't distress yourself— it was no fault of yours. If a man of exalted rank chooses to disguise himself as a Second Trombone, he must take the consequences. It really distresses me to see you take on so. I've no doubt he thoroughly deserved all he got. (They rise.)
Ko. We are infinitely obliged to your Majesty—
Pitti. Much obliged, your Majesty.
Pooh. Very much obliged, your Majesty.
Mik. Obliged? not a bit. Don't mention it. How could you tell?
Pooh. No, of course we couldn't tell who the gentleman really was.
Pitti. It wasn't written on his forehead, you know.
Ko. It might have been on his pocket-handkerchief, but Japanese don't use pocket-handkerchiefs! Ha! ha! ha!
Mik. Ha! ha! ha! (To Katisha.) I forget the punishment for compassing the death of the Heir Apparent.
| Ko. | $\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,$ | Punishment. (They drop down on their knees again.) |
| Pooh. | $\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,$ | Punishment. (They drop down on their knees again.) |
| Pitti. | $\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,$ | Punishment. (They drop down on their knees again.) |
Mik. Yes. Something lingering, with boiling oil in it, I fancy. Something of that sort. I think boiling oil occurs in it, but I'm not sure. I know it's something humorous, but lingering, ​with either boiling oil or melted lead. Come, come, don't fret— I'm not a bit angry.
Ko. (in abject terror). If your Majesty will accept our assurance, we had no idea—
Mik. Of course—
Pitti. I knew nothing about it.
Pooh. I wasn't there.
Mik. That's the pathetic part of it. Unfortunately, the fool of an Act says "compassing the death of the Heir Apparent." There's not a word about a mistake—
Ko., Pitti. and Pooh. No!
Mik. Or not knowing—
Ko. No!
Mik. Or having no notion—
Pitti. No!
Mik. Or not being there—
Pooh. No!
Mik. There should be, of course—
Ko., Pitti. and Pooh. Yes!
Mik. But there isn't.
Ko., Pitti. and Pooh. Oh!
Mik. That's the slovenly way in which these Acts are always drawn. However, cheer up, it'll be all right. I'll have it altered next session. Now, let's see about your execution— will after luncheon suit you? Can you wait till then?
Ko., Pitti. and Pooh. Oh, yes— we can wait till then!
Mik. Then we'll make it after luncheon.
Pooh. I don't want any lunch.
Mik. I'm really very sorry for you all, but it's an unjust world, and virtue is triumphant only in theatrical performances.
GLEE.
Pitti-Sing, Katisha, Ko-Ko, Pooh-Bah, and Mikado.
Mik. See how the Fates their gifts allot. For A is happy— B is not. Yet B is worthy, I dare say, Of more prosperity than A! Ko., Pooh., and Pitti. Is B more worthy? Kat.I should say He's worth a great deal more than A.
Ensemble.$\scriptstyle {\left\{{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \\\ \\\ \\\ \\\ \\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right.}$ Yet A is happy! Oh, so happy! Laughing, Ha! ha! Chaffing, Ha! ha! Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha! Ever joyous, ever gay, Happy, undeserving A!
​Ko., Pooh., and Pitti. If I were Fortune— which I'm not— B should enjoy A's happy lot, And A should die in miserie— That is, assuming I am B. Mik. and Kat.But should A perish? Ko., Pooh., and Pitti.That should he (Of course, assuming I am B). B should be happy! Oh, so happy! Laughing, Ha! ha! Chaffing, Ha! ha! Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha! But condemned to die is he, Wretched, meritorious B!
[Exeunt Mikado and Katisha.
Ko. Well, a nice mess you've got us into, with your nodding head and the deference due to a man of pedigree!
Pooh. Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative.
Pitti. Corroborative detail indeed! Corroborative fiddlestick!
Ko. And you're just as bad as he is with your cock-and-a-bull stories about catching his eye and his whistling an air. But that's so like you! You must put in your oar!
Pooh. But how about your big, right arm?
Pitti. Yes, and your snickersnee!
Ko. Well, well, never mind that now. There's only one thing to be done. Nanki-Poo hasn't started yet— he must come to life again at once. (Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum prepared for journey.) Here he comes. Here, Nanki-Poo, I've good news for you— you're reprieved.
Nank. Oh, but it's too late. I'm a dead man, and I'm off for my honeymoon.
Ko. Nonsense! A terrible thing has just happened. It seems you're the son of the Mikado.
Nank. Yes, but that happened some time ago.
Ko. Is this a time for airy persiflage? Your father is here, and with Katisha!
Nank. My father! And with Katisha!
Ko. Yes, he wants you particularly.
Pooh. So does she.
Yum. Oh, but he's married now.
Ko. But, bless my heart! what has that to do with it?
Nank. Katisha claims me in marriage, but I can't marry her because I'm married already— consequently she will insist on my execution, and if I'm executed, my wife will have to be buried alive.
​Yum. You see our difficulty.
Ko. Yes. I don't know what's to be done.
Nank. There's one chance for you. If you could persuade Katisha to marry you, she would have no further claim on me, and in that case I could come to life without any fear of being put to death.
Ko. I marry Katisha!
Yum. I really think it's the only course.
Ko. But, my good girl, have you seen her? She's something appalling!
Pitti. Ah! that's only her face. She has a left elbow which people come miles to see!
Pooh. I am told that her right heel is much admired by connoisseurs.
Ko. My good sir, I decline to pin my heart upon any lady's right heel.
Nank. It comes to this: While Katisha is single, I prefer to be a disembodied spirit. When Katisha is married, existence will be as welcome as the flowers in spring.
DUET. — Nanki-Poo and Ko-Ko.
(With Yum-Yum, Pitti-Sing, and Pooh-Bah.)
Nank.The flowers that bloom in the spring, Tra la, Breathe promise of merry sunshine— As we merrily dance and we sing, Tra la, We welcome the hope that they bring, Tra la, Of a summer of roses and wine. And that's what we mean when we say that a thing Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the spring. Tra la la la la la, &c. All.Tra la la la, &c. Ko.The flowers that bloom in the spring, Tra la, Have nothing to do with the case. I've got to take under my wing, Tra la, A most unattractive old thing, Tra la, With a caricature of a face. And that's what I mean when I say, or I sing, "Oh, bother the flowers that bloom in the spring." Tra la la la la la, &c. ​All.Tra la la la, Tra la la la, &c.
(Dance and exeunt Nanki-Poo, Yum-Yum, Pooh-Bah, Pitti-Sing, and Ko-Ko.)
Enter Katisha.
RECITATIVE and SONG.—Katisha.
Alone, and yet alive! Oh, sepulchre! My soul is still my body's prisoner! Remote the peace that Death alone can give— My doom, to wait! my punishment, to live!
SONG.
Hearts do not break! They sting and ache For old love's sake. But do not die, Though with each breath They long for death As witnesseth The living I! Oh, living I! Come, tell me why, When hope is gone, Dost thou stay on? Why linger here, Where all is drear? Oh, living I! Come, tell me why, When hope is gone, Dost thou stay on? May not a cheated maiden die?
Ko. (entering and approaching her timidly). Katisha!
Kat. The miscreant who robbed me of my love! But vengeance pursues— they are heating the cauldron!
Ko. Katisha— behold a suppliant at your feet! Katisha— mercy!
Kat. Mercy ? Had you mercy on him? See here, you! You have slain my love. He did not love me, but he would have loved me in time. I am an acquired taste— only the educated palate can appreciate me. I was educating his palate when he left me. Well, he is dead, and where shall I find another? It takes years to train a man to love me. Am I to go through the weary round again, and, at the same time, implore mercy for you who robbed me of my prey— I mean my pupil— just as his education was on the point of completion? Oh, where shall I find another?
Ko. (suddenly, and with great vehemence). Here!— Here!
Kat. What!!!
​Ko. (with intense passion). Katisha, for years I have loved you with a white-hot passion that is slowly hut surely consuming my very vitals! Ah, shrink not from me! If there is aught of woman's mercy in your heart, turn not away from a love-sick suppliant whose every fibre thrills at your tiniest touch! True it is that, under a poor mask of disgust, I have endeavoured to conceal a passion whose inner fires are broiling the soul within me! But the fire will not be smothered— it defies all attempts at extinction, and, breaking forth, all the more eagerly for its long restraint, it declares itself in words that will not be weighed— that cannot be schooled— that should not be too severely criticised. Katisha, I dare not hope for your love— but I will not live without it! Darling!
Kat. You, whose hands still reek with the blood of my betrothed, dare to address words of passion to the woman you have so foully wronged!
Ko. I do— accept my love, or I perish on the spot!
Kat. Go to! Who knows so well as I that no one ever yet died of a broken heart!
Ko. You know not what you say. Listen!
SONG.—Ko-Ko.
On a tree by a river a little tom-tit Sang "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!" And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, why do you sit Singing 'Willow, titwillow, titwillow'? "Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried, "Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?" With a shake of his poor little head, he replied, "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough, Singing "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!" And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow, Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow! He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave, Then he plunged himself into the billowy wave, And an echo arose from the suicide's grave — "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name Isn't Willow, titwillow, titwillow, That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim. "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" And if you remain callous and obdurate, I Shall perish as he did, and you will know why, Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die, "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
(During this song Katisha has been greatly affected, and at the end is almost in tears.)
​Kat. (whimpering). Did he really die of love?
Ko. He really did.
Kat. All on account of a cruel little hen?
Ko. Yes.
Kat. Poor little chap!
Ko. It's an affecting tale, and quite true. I knew the bird intimately.
Kat. Did you? He must have been very fond of her.
Ko. His devotion was something extraordinary.
Kat. (still whimpering). Poor little chap! And— and if I refuse you, will you go and do the same?
Ko. At once.
Kat. No, no— you mustn't! Anything but that! (Falls on his breast.) Oh, I'm a silly little goose!
Ko. (making a wry face). You are!
Kat. And you won't hate me because I'm just a little teeny weeny wee bit bloodthirsty, will you?
Ko. Hate you? Oh, Katisha! is there not beauty even in bloodthirstiness?
Kat. My idea exactly.
DUET.—Katisha and Ko-Ko.
Kat.There is beauty in the bellow of the blast, There is grandeur in the growling of the gale, There is eloquent outpouring When the lion is a-roaring, And the tiger is a-lashing of his tail! Ko.Yes, I like to see a tiger From the Congo or the Niger, And especially when lashing of his tail! Kat.Volcanoes have a splendour that is grim, And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, But to him who's scientific There's nothing that's terrific In the falling of a flight of thunderbolts! Ko.Yes, in spite of all my meekness, If I have a little weakness, It's a passion for a flight of thunderbolts! Both.If that is so, Sing derry down derry! It's evident, very, Our tastes are one. Away we'll go, And merrily marry, Nor tardily tarry Till day is done! Ko.There is beauty in extreme old age— Do you fancy you are elderly enough? ​Information I'm requesting On a subject interesting: Is a maiden all the better when she's tough? Kat.Throughout this wide dominion It's the general opinion That she'll last a good deal longer when she's tough. Ko.Are you old enough to marry, do you think? Won't you wait till you are eighty in the shade? There's a fascination frantic In a ruin that's romantic; Do you think you are sufficiently decayed? Kat.To the matter that you mention I have given some attention, And I think I am sufficiently decayed. Both.If that is so, Sing derry down derry! It's evident, very, Our tastes are one! Away we'll go And merrily marry, Nor tardily tarry
[Exeunt together.
Flourish. Enter the Mikado, attended by Pish-Tush and Court.
Mik. Now then, we've had a capital lunch, and we're quite ready. Have ail the painful preparations been made?
Pish. Your Majesty, all is prepared.
Mik. Then produce the unfortunate gentleman and his two well-meaning but misguided accomplices.
Enter Katisha, Ko-Ko, Pitti-Sing and Pooh-Bah. They throw themselves at the Mikado's feet.
Kat. Mercy! Mercy for Ko-Ko! Mercy for Pitti-Sing! Mercy even for Pooh-Bah!
Mik. I beg your pardon; I don't think I quite caught that remark.
Pooh. Mercy even for Pooh-Bah.
Kat. Mercy! My husband that was to have been is dead, and I have just married this miserable object.
Mik. Oh! You've not been long about it!
Ko. We were married before the Registrar.
Pooh. I am the Registrar.
Mik. I see. But my difficulty is that, as you have slain the Heir Apparent—
Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum. They kneel.
Nanki. The Heir Apparent is not slain.
Mik. Bless my heart, my son!
Yum. And your daughter-in-law elected!
Kat. (seizing Ko-Ko). Traitor, you have deceived me!
​Mik. Yes, you are entitled to a little explanation, but I think he will give it better whole than in pieces.
Ko. Your Majesty, it's like this: It is true that I stated that I had killed Nanki-Poo—
Mik. Yes, with most affecting particulars.
Pooh. Merely corroborative detail intended to give artistic verisimilitude to a bald and—
Ko. Will you refrain from putting in your oar? (To Mikado.) It's like this: When your Majesty says, "Let a thing be done," it's as good as done— practically, it is done— because your Majesty's will is law. Your Majesty says, "Kill a gentleman," and a gentleman is told off to be killed. Consequently, that gentleman is as good as dead— practically, he is dead— and if he is dead, why not say so?
Mik. I see. Nothing could possibly be more satisfactory!
FINALE.
Pitti. For he's gone and married Yum-Yum— All. Yum-Yum! Pitti. Your anger pray bury, For all will be merry, I think you had better succumb— All. Cumb—cumb! Pitti. And join our expressions of glee! Ko. On this subject I pray you be dumb— All. Dumb—dumb! Ko. Your notions, though many, Are not worth a penny, The word for your guidance is "Mum"— All. Mum—mum! Ko. You've a very good bargain in me. All. On this subject we pray you be dumb— Dumb—dumb! We think you had better succumb— Cumb—cumb ! You'll find there are many Who'll wed for a penny, There are lots of good fish in the sea. Yum. and Nank. The threatened cloud has passed away, And fairly shines the dawning day; What though the night may come too soon, We've years and years of afternoon! All. Then let the throng Our joy advance, With laughing song And merry dance, With joyous shout and ringing cheer, Inaugurate their new career! Then let the throng, &c.
* Curtain.