# The Complete Works of Count Tolstoy/Volume 18/The Fruits of Enlightenment/Act 2

ACT II.
The scene represents the interior of the servants' kitchen. The peasants, having taken off their wraps, are seated at the table and, perspiring, are drinking tea. Fédor Iványch, with a cigar, at the other end of the stage. On the oven is the old cook, not visible during the first four scenes.
Scene I. Three peasants and Fédor Iványch.
Fédor Iványch. My advice is for you not to interfere with him. If he wants it, and she wants it, may God help them! She is a good girl. Don't pay any attention to her being so dressed up! This is city style,—she can't help it! She is a clever girl.
Second Peasant. Well, if he wants her, let him! It is not I who will live with her, but he. Only she looks too clean. How can we take her to the hut? She won't even let her mother-in-law pat her.
Fédor Iványch. My friend, it does not depend upon the cleanliness, but on the character. If she has a good character, she will be submissive and respectful.
Second Peasant. I will take her if the lad has set his heart upon her. Of course, it is bad to live with one you do not love! I will take counsel with the old woman, and God aid them!
Fédor Iványch. Agreed?
Second Peasant. I suppose so.
First Peasant. How it fortunes you, Zakhár: you have come for the accomplishment of business, and be​hold, what a queen of a girl you have gotten for a wife for your son. Now you ought to set up the drinks, to do it according to property.
Fédor Iványch. That is entirely unnecessary. (An awkward silence.)
Fédor Iványch. I understand your peasant life quite well. I must tell you, I am myself considering about some land somewhere. I should like to build me a little house, and take to farming. I would not mind out your way.
Second Peasant. It is a very good thing!
First Peasant. In rivality, with money you can receive all kinds of pleasures in the village.
Third Peasant. I should say so! The life in the country, let me say, is in any case freer than in the city.
Fédor Iványch. Well, will you take me into your Commune, if I should settle in your village?
Second Peasant. Why not? You will treat the old men to liquor, and they will take you at once.
First Peasant. You will open a wine establishment, for example, or an inn, and you will live such a life that you won't have to die. You will lord it, and nothing more.
Fédor Iványch. We will see about that later. All I want is to live out my days in peace. I live comfortably here, and I should hate to leave the place: Leoníd Fédorovich is a man of rare kindness.
First Peasant. This is so in rivality. But how is it about our affair? Will it really be without consequences?
Fédor Iványch. He would like to help you.
Second Peasant. Evidently he is afraid of his wife.
Fédor Iványch. He is not afraid, but there is no agreement.
Third Peasant. You ought to try for us, father, for how can we get along without it? The land is small—
Fédor Iványch. We will see what will come of Tatyána's attempt. She has undertaken to help you.
Third Peasant (drinking tea). Father, take pity on ​us! The land is small, there is not enough room to drive out a cow, nay, not even a chick.
Fédor Iványch. The affair is not in my hands. (To the Second Peasant.) Well, well, friend, so we are the match-makers! Tánya's affair is settled, is it not?
Second Peasant. I have told you, and I will not back out, even without the drinks. If only our affair came out right!
Cook. They have just called Semén away from the family kitchen, and have taken him up-stairs; the master and the other fellow, the one that is bald and who makes them come, have put him down in a chair and have ordered him to act in Kápchich's place.
Fédor Iványch. What nonsense!
Cook. It is the truth! Yákov has just told Tánya about it.
Fédor Iványch. This is wonderful!
Scene III. The same and Coachman.
Fédor Iványch. What do you want?
Coachman (to Fédor Iványch). Do tell them that I was not hired to live with dogs. Let anybody else live who wants to, but I am not willing.
Fédor Iványch. With what dogs?
Coachman. They brought three dogs from Vasíli Leonídych to the coachman's room. They have dirtied it, and they howl, and you can't get near them, for they bite. They are angry devils, and they will eat me up if I do not look out. I feel like breaking their legs with a stick.
​Fédor Iványch. When was that done?
Coachman. They brought them to-day from the exposition they are expensive beasts: pout-bodied they call them, or some such name,—the devil take them! Either the dogs or the coachmen stay in the coachman's room. You tell them so!
Fédor Iványch. Yes, that is improper. I will go and ask about it.
Coachman. They ought to be here. I suppose Lukérya would like to have them.
Cook (excitedly). People eat here, and you want to shut up dogs. As it is—
Coachman. But I have caftans, rugs, harness. And they demand that it be clean. Well, take them to the servants' room.
Fédor Iványch. I must tell Vasíli Leonídych about it.
Coachman (angrily). Let him hang the dogs around his neck, and walk around with them! Anyway, he likes too much to ride around: he has spoilt Beauty for nothing. It was such a fine horse! What a life! (Exit, slamming the door.)
Scene IV. The same without Coachman.
Fédor Iványch. Yes, disorder, disorder! (To the peasants.) Well, in the meantime, good-bye, good people!
Peasants. God be with you! (Fédor Iványch exit.)
Scene V. The same, without Fédor Iványch.
(The moment Fédor Iványch has left, groans are heard on the oven.)
Second Peasant. He is as smooth as a general.
Cook. What is the use of talking? He has a separate room; he gets his linen from the masters; sugar, tea,—all from the masters, and the food is from the table.
​Old Cook. How can the devil help living when he has swiped a lot.
Second Peasant. Who is the man there on the oven?
Cook. Oh, just a man. (Silence.)
First Peasant. Well, I saw you lately eating supper, and it was a mighty good capital.
Cook. We can't complain. She is not stingy on that. White bread on Sundays, fish on holiday fasts, and if you want to, you may eat meat.
Second Peasant. Do they not keep the fasts?
Cook. Hardly one of them does. The only ones who keep the fasts are the coachman (not the one that was here, but an old fellow), and Semén, and I, and the housekeeper; the rest chew meat.
Second Peasant. Well, and he himself?
Cook. What are you about? He has even forgotten what a fast means.
Third Peasant. O Lord!
First Peasant. That is the gentlemen's way,—they have come to it from books, because it is intelligentness!
Third Peasant. Bolted bread every day, I suppose?
Cook. Oh, bolted bread! They don't know what your bolted bread is! You ought to see their food! What do they not have?
First Peasant. The gentlemen's food, naturally, is airlike.
Cook. That's it, airlike, and they are great hands at chewing.
First Peasant. That means that they have appetites, so to speak.
Cook. And so they wash it down. All those sweet wines, brandy, frothing liquors, at every course a different one. They eat and wash it down, they eat and wash it down.
​First Peasant. That, so to speak, carries the food into the preportion.
Cook. They are great hands at chewing,—it is just terrible! They don't know anything about sitting down, eating, crossing themselves, and getting up. No, they eat without stopping.
Second Peasant. Like pigs, with their feet in the trough. (Peasants laugh.)
Cook. God bless them, the moment they open their eyes they immediately want their samovár, their tea, coffee, or chocolate. No sooner have they emptied two samovárs than they want a third. Then comes breakfast, then dinner, then again coffee. No sooner have they rested than they begin to drink tea again. And then all the dainties: confectionery, jams,—oh, there is no end to it. They eat even while lying in bed.
Third Peasant. Well, I declare! (Roars.)
First and Third Peasants. What is the matter with you?
Third Peasant. I should like to live just one day like that!
Second Peasant. When do they attend to business?
Cook. What business? All the business they have is cards and the piano. The moment the young lady opens her eyes, she makes for the piano, and begins to bang. And the one that lives here, the teacher, stands and waits for the piano to get disengaged. The moment one drops off, the other one lets herself loose. Sometimes they put up two pianos, and two of them, and even four persons, bang away at it. They bang so that we can hear it here.
Third Peasant. O Lord!
Cook. That's all the business they have: the piano and cards. The moment they come together, they begin playing cards, drinking wine, and smoking,—and so it goes all night. The moment they get up, they begin to eat!
Scene VI. The same and Semén.
Semén. Tea and sugar!
First Peasant. Do us the favour and sit down.
Semén (walking up to the table). My humblest thanks! (First Peasant pours out a glass of tea for him.)
Second Peasant. Where have you been?
Semén. Up-stairs.
Second Peasant. What were you doing there?
Semén. I can't make it out. I don't know how to tell it.
Second Peasant. What kind of a thing was it?
Semén. I do not know how to tell it. They were testing some power in me. I can't make it out. Tatyána said to me: "Do it," says she, "and we will get him to sell the land to our peasants."
Second Peasant. How is she going to do it?
Semén. I can't make it out, for she does not tell. All she says is: "Do as I tell you!"
Second Peasant. Do what?
Semén. Really nothing at all. They put me in a chair, then they put out the lights, and told me to sleep. Tatyána was hid near by. They did not see her, but I did.
Second Peasant. What was that for?
Semén. God knows,—I can't make it out.
First Peasant. Of course, for pastime.
Second Peasant. Evidently you and I can't understand it. Tell me how much money have you spent?
Semén. Not any. I have saved everything: twenty-eight roubles, I think.
Second Peasant. That is good. If God grants us to get the land, Semén, I will take you home with me.
Semén. That would please me.
Second Peasant. You are spoilt, I am afraid. You won't like to do the ploughing.
​Semén. Ploughing? I would do it this minute. Mowing and ploughing is not so easily forgotten.
First Peasant. After the city life you will not, for example, have the patience.
Semén. One can live well in the village, too.
First Peasant. Now here is Uncle Mítri, and he is covetous of your delicate life.
Semén. Uncle Mítri, you would get tired of it. It looks easy, but there is a great deal of running about. One gets all mixed up.
Cook. Uncle Mítri, you ought just to see their balls,—you would be surprised!
Third Peasant. Why, do they eat all the time?
Cook. No! You ought to have seen it! Fédor Iványch took me to see it. When I looked, I got scared. Oh, how they were fitted out! You never saw the like! Naked down to here, and their arms bare.
Third Peasant. O Lord!
Second Peasant. Fie, what nastiness!
First Peasant. The climate, so to speak, permits it.
Cook. So, uncle, I looked at them, and I saw they were all of them naked. Would you believe it, the old ones—even our lady who has grandchildren—were bare, too.
Second Peasant. O Lord!
Cook. What do you think? When the music struck up, and they began to play, the gentlemen came up and embraced the ladies and began to whirl around.
Second Peasant. The old women, too?
Cook. The old women, too.
Semén. No, the old women remain sitting.
Cook. What are you saying? I saw them myself.
Semén. I tell you, no.
Old Cook (sticking his head out, in a hoarse voice). This is the polka-mazurka. Oh, you fool, you don't know anything that's the way they dance—
Cook. You, dancer, keep quiet! Somebody is coming.
Scene VII. The same and Grigóri. (The old cook hastens to hide himself.)
Grigóri (to the cook). Let me have sour cabbage!
Cook. I have just come back from the cellar, and I have to go there again. Who needs it?
Grigóri. The young ladies want sour soup with croutons. Lively there! Send it up with Semén, for I have no time!
Cook. They stuff themselves with sweets, until they can't swallow any more, and then they want cabbage.
First Peasant. For cleaning out, so to speak.
Cook. Yes, they make room for more stuffing! (Takes a bowl and exit.)
Scene VIII. The same without Cook.
Grigóri (to the peasants). How comfortable you look here! Look out! The lady will find it out, and then she will give you an overhauling which will be worse than what it was in the morning. (Laughs and exit.)
Scene IX. The peasants, Semén, and Old Cook (on the oven).
First Peasant. In rivality, she did storm then,—it was just terrible!
Second Peasant. At that time he wanted to take our part, but when he saw that she was tearing the roof down, he slammed the door, as much as to say: "All right, carry on as you please!"
Third Peasant (waving his hand). There is not much difference. Many a time, let me say, my old woman flames up terribly. Then I leave the house. Let her carry on! At such times I am afraid that she might hit me with the oven-fork. O Lord!
Scene X. The same and Yákov (running in with a prescription).
Yákov. Semén, run to the apothecary's, lively! Get these powders for the lady!
Semén. But he told me not to leave.
Yákov. You will have plenty of time. Your business begins after tea. Tea and sugar!
First Peasant. You are welcome! (Semén exit.)
Scene XI. The same, without Semén.
Yákov. I have no time! Fill up a cup for company's sake!
First Peasant. We have preposed a conversation how that your lady acted so proudly in the morning.
Yákov. Oh, she is dreadfully hot! She is so hot, she forgets herself. Sometimes she bursts out weeping.
First Peasant. Here is, for example, what I wanted to ask. In the morning she preposed something about microtes: "You have brought microtes, microtes with you," she said. What is this microte to be applied to?
Yákov. Oh, you mean the microves. They say they are a kind of bugs from which all diseases come. She meant to say that you had them on you. Oh, how they washed and sprinkled the place where you had been standing! There is a medicine from which they all die,—I mean the bugs.
Second Peasant. Where are these bugs on us?
Yákov (drinking tea). They say they are so tiny, you can't see them even through glasses.
Second Peasant. How does she know they are on me? Maybe there is more of that nastiness upon her.
Yákov. Go and ask them!
Second Peasant. I suppose it is all nonsense.
Yákov. Of course, nonsense. But the doctors have ​to invent something, else what would they get the money for? He comes to see us every day. He comes, says something, and gets ten roubles.
Second Peasant. Is it possible?
Yákov. There is one of them who gets one hundred.
First Peasant. In rivality, one hundred?
Yákov. One hundred! You say: one hundred? He takes a thousand, if he goes out of the city. "Give me a thousand," says he, "or you may give up the ghost!"
Third Peasant. O Lord!
Second Peasant. Does he know some charm?
Yákov. I suppose he does. I used to live at the house of a general, not far from Moscow. This general was such a high-tempered man, oh, so high-tempered! So once his daughter grew ill. They sent at once for this doctor. "A thousand roubles, and I will come." They agreed to it, and he came. In some way they did not please the doctor: well, you ought to have heard him yell out at the general! "Ah," says he, "so this is the way you treat me? Ah, I will not cure her!" Would you believe it? The general forgot his pride, and tried every way to quiet him down. "Sir, don't abandon me!"
First Peasant. Did they give him the thousand?
Yákov. I should say they did.
Second Peasant. What a heap of money! What a peasant could do with it!
Third Peasant. But I think it is all nonsense. At one time my leg was sore. I doctored it, and doctored it,—I spent about five roubles on doctoring. Then I gave up doctoring, and it healed up by itself. (The Old Cook on the oven coughs.)
Yákov. Our friend is there again!
First Peasant. Who is that man?
Yákov. He used to be our master's cook. He comes to see Lukérya. ​First Peasant. Chef, so to speak. Does he live here?
Yákov. No. He is not allowed to stay here. He is in one place in the daytime, and in another in the night. If he has three kopeks, he stays in a night lodging-house; and if he has spent it on drinks, he comes here.
Second Peasant. What is the matter with him?
Yákov. He is weak. What a man he used to be! A real gentleman. He used to wear a gold watch, and received as high as forty roubles a month in wages. And now he would have starved long ago, if Lukérya had not helped him out.
Scene XII. The same and Cook (with the cabbage).
Yákov (to Lukérya). I see, Pável Petróvich is here again.
Cook. Where shall he go to? Shall he freeze to death?
Third Peasant. See what liquor will do! The liquor, let me say— (Clicks his tongue in compassion.)
Second Peasant. Of course: if a man wants to be firm, he is firmer than rock; if he weakens, he is weaker than water.
Old Cook (crawls down from the oven, trembling with his legs and arms). Lukérya, I say,—let me have a wine-glass!
Cook. Where are you going? I will let you have such a wine-glass—
Old Cook. For the love of God! I am dying. Friends, let me have five kopeks!
Cook. I tell you, climb back on the oven!
Old Cook. Cook! Half a glass! For Christ's sake, I say,—you understand? I beg you, for Christ's sake.
Cook. Go, go! You may have some tea.
Old Cook. What tea? What is tea? A stupid and ​weak drink. Let me have liquor, only a swallow! Lukérya!
Third Peasant. How the poor fellow is suffering!
Second Peasant. Had you not better let him have some?
Cook (goes to the safe and pours out a wine-glassful). Here! That is all I will give you!
Old Cook (seizes it, and drinks it with trembling hands). Lukérya! Cook! I drink, but you must understand—
Cook. That will do! Climb on the oven, and let me not hear a word from you!
(The Old Cook submissively climbs on the oven, and continues to grumble something to himself.)
Second Peasant. Just see what it means for a man to weaken!
First Peasant. In rivality, what is human weakness?
Third Peasant. What is the use of mentioning it? (The Old Cook lies down, continuing to grumble. Silence.)
Second Peasant. I wanted to ask you: there is a girl from our village, Aksínya's daughter, living here; well, how is she? Is she a good girl, so to speak?
Yákov. Yes, she is, I may honestly say so.
Cook. Let me tell you truthfully, uncle, for I know the conditions here pretty well, if you want to marry your son to her, take her away at once, before she has a chance to get spoilt, or else it is bound to happen.
Yákov. That is so. For example, last year there was a girl, Natálya by name, living in our house. She was a nice girl. She was completely ruined, just like this fellow. (Points to the Old Cook.)
Cook. A whole lot of us women go to ruin here. They all hanker for light work and sweet food. Behold, before they know it, the sweet food leads them astray, and when they are led astray, nobody wants them. They are at once sent away, and fresh ones take their place. Just so it happened with poor Natálya: she ​went wrong, and so she was immediately sent away. She had a child, then grew ill, and last spring she died in the hospital. What a fine girl she was!
Third Peasant. O Lord! They are weak creatures, and ought to be pitied.
Old Cook. Yes, you wait for the devils to pity them! (Dangles his legs over the oven.) I had been roasting at the stove for thirty years. When I became useless to them, they left me to die like a dog. Yes, they will pity a soul!
First Peasant. This, in rivality, is a well-known sitivation.
Second Peasant. While eating and drinking they call you curly-head; through eating and drinking, goodbye, scald-head!
Third Peasant. O Lord!
Old Cook. You don't know much. What means sauté à la Beaumont? What means bavasari? That's what I was able to do! Think of it! The emperor used to eat my dishes. And now I am of no use to the devils. But I will not submit!
Cook. Don't talk so much! Look out! Crawl back into your corner so that you can't be seen, or else Fédor Iványch will come in, or somebody else, and then they will drive me away with you.
(Silence.)
Yákov. Do you know my village, Voznesénskoe
Second Peasant. Certainly I do. It is about seventeen versts, not more than that, from us, and by crossroads it is even less. Do you have any land there?
Yákov. My brother has, and I send him money. Although I am staying here, I am dying to be at home.
First Peasant. In rivality!
Second Peasant. Anísim, then, is your brother?
​Yákov. Yes, he! At the farther end.
Second Peasant. I know, the third farm.
Scene XIII. The same and Tánya (running in).
Tánya. Yákov Iványch! Don't take it easy here! She is calling!
Yákov. I am coming. What is up?
Tánya. Fifi is barking and wants to eat. She is scolding you. "What a bad man he is," she says. "He has no pity at all," says she. "It wants to eat, and he does not bring anything!" (Laughs.)
Yákov (about to go). Oh, she is angry? I hope there won't be anything bad!
Cook (to Yákov). Take the cabbage along!
Yákov. Let me have it! (Takes the cabbage, and exit.)
Scene XIV. The same, without Yákov.
First Peasant. Who is going to dine now?
Tánya. The dog. That is her dog. (Sits down and takes hold of the teapot.) Have you any tea? I have brought some more. (Pours it in.)
Second Peasant. Dinner for a dog?
Tánya. Why, of course! They prepare a special cutlet for the dog, one that is not too fat. I wash the dog's linen.
Third Peasant. O Lord!
Tánya. Like that gentleman who buried his dog.
Second Peasant. What about him?
Tánya. A man was telling that a gentleman's dog had died. It was in winter, and he drove out to bury him. He buried him, and he drove back again, and kept weeping. It was a biting frost, and the coachman's nose was running all the time, and he wiped it off— Let me fill you the glass. (Fills the glass.) His nose ran, ​and he kept wiping it. His master saw it, and says he: "What is it? What makes you weep?" And the coachman said: "How can I help weeping when I think of the dog?" (Laughs.)
Second Peasant. And, I suppose, he was all the time thinking: "I would not weep even if you gave up the ghost." (Laughs.)
Old Cook (on the oven). That is correct! That is so!
Tánya. Very well. The master came home, and says he to the lady: "What a kind man our coachman is! He has been crying all the way home: he is so sorry for my dog. Call him in! Here, take some brandy! And here is a rouble as a reward!" And just so she carries on, because Yákov does not take care of her dog.
(Peasants roar.)
First Peasant. As is properly!
Second Peasant. Well, I declare!
Third Peasant. O girl, you have given us some fun!
Tánya (pouring out more tea). Drink some more! And so, although you may think we are having a good time, it makes me sick to clean up all their nastiness. Pshaw! It is better in the village.
(The peasants turn their cups upside down.)
Tánya (filling them). Drink, and may it give you health! Efím Antónych! Let me pour you out another glass, Mítri Vlásevich!
Third Peasant. Well, fill it, fill it!
First Peasant. Well, how does our affair originate, clever girl?
Tánya. All right, it is progressing—
​First Peasant. Semén said—
Tánya (rapidly). He said?
Second Peasant. But I can't make him out.
Tánya. I can't tell you now, but I will try, I will. Here is your document! (Points to the document under her apron.) If just one thing goes right! (Squeaks.) Oh, how good it would be!
Second Peasant. Look out and don't lose the paper. It has cost us a little something.
Tánya. Have no fear! All you want is for him to sign it?
Third Peasant. What else? If he has signed it, let me say, that is the end of it! (Turns his cup upside down.) That will do.
Tánya (aside). He will sign it. You will see, he will. Drink some more! (Fills the glass.)
First Peasant. You just fix the accomplishment of the sale of the land, and we will get you married at the Commune's expense. (Refuses the tea.)
Tánya (filling a glass and handing it). Drink!
Third Peasant. Do it, and we will get you married, and, let me say, we will dance at your wedding. Although I have never danced in all my life, I will then.
Tánya (laughing). I shall expect that. (Silence.)
Second Peasant (examining Tánya). All right, but you are not good for peasant work.
Tánya. Who, I? You think I am not strong enough? You ought to see me pull in the lady. Many a peasant could not pull her in that way.
Second Peasant. Where do you pull her in?
Tánya. It is made of bone, like a jacket, as high as this. It is laced with cords, and you have to pull it in, just as people spit in their hands and hitch up.
Second Peasant. That is, you pull in the girth?
Tánya. Yes, yes, I pull in the girth. But I dare not put my foot on her. (Laughing.)
​Second Peasant. Why do you pull her in?
Tánya. Because.
Second Peasant. Has she made such a vow?
Tánya. No, for beauty's sake.
First Peasant. That is, you lace her belly for form's sake.
Tánya. I pull her in so that her eyes all bulge out, but she says: "More!" It makes both my hands smart, and you say I have no strength. (The peasants laugh and shake their heads.)
Tánya. I have chatted too long. (Runs away, laughing.)
Third Peasant. How the girl has amused us!
First Peasant. How accurate she is!
Second Peasant. She is all right.
Vasíli Leonídych. Not exactly a dinner, but a déjeuner dinatoire. It was a fine breakfast, let me tell you! The ham was glorious! Roulier feeds you nicely. I have just come back. (Seeing the peasants.) The peasants are again here?
Sakhátov. Yes, yes, that is all very beautiful, but we have come to conceal an object. So, where had we better put it?
Vasíli Leonídych. Pardon me, I will at once— (To the Cook.) Where are the dogs?
Cook. The dogs are in the coachman's room. How could we keep them in the servants' room?
Vasíli Leonídych. Ah, in the coachman's room? Very well.
Sakhátov. I am waiting.
Third Peasant. What do you want with my pocket? I declare, my pocket! I have money in my pocket.
Vasíli Leonídych. Well, and where is your purse?
Third Peasant. What do you want with it?
Cook. What are you doing? This is the young master.
Vasíli Leonídych (laughing). Do you know why he is so frightened? I will tell you why: he has a lot of money. Ah, what?
Sakhátov. Yes, yes, I understand. You talk with them, and in the meantime I will put it into this wallet, so that they shall not know anything and shall not be able to tell him. You talk with them.
Vasíli Leonídych. At once, at once. Well, boys, are you going to buy the land? Ah, what?
First Peasant. We have preposed so with all our hearts. But somehow the affair does not originate into motion.
Vasíli Leonídych. Don't be stingy! The land is an important matter. I told you to sow mint. You might plant tobacco, too.
First Peasant. This is so, in rivality. We can sow all kinds of produces.
Third Peasant. Good sir, can't you ask your father for us? Else how are we to live? Our land is small: there is not enough room, let me say, to drive out a cow, nay, not even a chick.
Sakhátov (having placed the spoon in the wallet of the Third Peasant). C'est fait. Ready. Let us go! (Exit.)
Vasíli Leonídych. Don't be stingy, ah? Well, good-bye! (Exit.)
Scene XVI. Three peasants, Cook, and Old Cook (on the oven).
Third Peasant. I told you, we ought to have gone to the lodging. We should have paid a dime each, and would have had our peace; but God save us from what they are doing here. "Give me the money," says he. "What is this for?"
Second Peasant. He must have drunk a little too much. (The peasants turn over their cups, get up, and cross themselves.)
First Peasant. Don't forget the words he has cast about sowing mint! You must understand this!
Second Peasant. Yes, sow mint! You try and bend your back, and you won't ask for any mint, I am sure! Thank you! Well, clever woman, where shall we lie down?
Cook. One of you can lie down on the oven, and the other two on the benches.
Third Peasant. Christ save us! (Prays.)
First Peasant. If God should give us the accomplishment of the affair (lying down), we could slide down on the train to-morrow, and on Tuesday we should be at home.
Second Peasant. Will you put out the light?
Cook. Indeed not! They will be running in all the time now for one thing, now for another. Lie down, and I will turn down the light.
Second Peasant. How can one live on a small plot? I have been buying grain ever since Christmas. The oat straw is giving out, too. If I could, I should get four desyatínas, and would take Semén home.
First Peasant. You have a family. You will have no trouble looking after the land, if you get it. If only the affair were accomplished.
Third Peasant. We must ask the Queen of Heaven. Maybe She will take pity on us.
Stout Lady. Don't worry! I have undertaken to watch it, and I strictly fulfil my duty. Sergyéy Ivánovich, you are not leading him?
Sakhátov. No.
Stout Lady. Don't lead him, but, on the other hand, don't oppose yourself! (To Leoníd Fédorovich.) I know these experiments, I used to make them myself. I would feel the efflux, and the moment I felt—
Leoníd Fédorovich. Permit me to ask you to observe silence.
Stout Lady. Ah, I understand that well! I have experienced it myself. The moment my attention was distracted, I could not—
Leoníd Fédorovich. Hush—
(They walk around, searching near First and Second Peasant, and then walk over to Third Peasant. Grossmann runs up against a bench.)
Baroness. Mais dites-moi, on le paye?
Anna Pávlovna. Je ne saurais vous dire.
Baroness. Mais c'est un monsieur?
Anna Pávlovna. Oh! oui.
Baroness. Ça tient du miraculeux. N'est-ce pas? Comment est-ce qu'il trouve?
Anna Pávlovna. Je ne saurais vous dire. Mon mari vous l'expliquera. (Seeing the peasants, looks around ​and sees the Cook.) Pardon? What is this? (Baroness walks over to the group.)
Anna Pávlovna (to Cook). Who let in the peasants?
Cook. Yákov brought them here.
Anna Pávlovna. Who told Yákov to bring them?
Cook. I can't tell you. Fédor Iványch has seen them.
Anna Pávlovna. Leoníd!
(Leoníd Fedorovich does not hear, being busy with mind-reading, and says: "Hush!")
Anna Pávlovna. Fédor Iványch! What does this mean? Did you not see me disinfect the antechamber? And now you have infected the whole kitchen! Black bread, kvas,—
Fédor Iványch. I thought that it was not dangerous in here, and the men have come on business. It is far for them to go elsewhere, and they are away from their village.
Anna Pávlovna. That is the trouble: they are from a Kursk village, where they are dying from diphtheria like flies. The main thing is I ordered them away from the house! Did I order so or not? (Walks over to the group gathered about the peasants.) Be careful! Don't touch them! They are infected with diphtheria!
(Nobody pays any attention to her. She walks away with dignity, and stands motionless, in expectation.)
Petríshchev (snuffles aloud). I don't know about diphtheria, but there is some other infection in the air. Do you smell it?
Betsy. Stop your nonsense! Vovó, in which wallet is it?
Vasíli Leonídych. In that one, in that. He is going up to it, he is going up!
Petríshchev. What is this? Spirits or spirit?
Betsy. Now your cigarettes would be in place. Smoke, ​smoke, and nearer to me! (Petríshchev bends down and smokes over her.)
Vasíli Leonídych. He is getting near it, I tell you. Ah, what?
Grossman (restlessly groping around the Third Peasant). Here, here. I feel that it is here.
Stout Lady. Do you feel an efflux? (Grossmann bends down to the wallet and takes the spoon out of it.)
All. Bravo! (Universal ecstasy.)
Vasíli Leonídych. So this is where our spoon was? (To the Peasant.) So that's what you did?
Third Peasant. What did I do? I did not take your spoon. Don't accuse me! I did not take it, I did not, and my soul knows nothing about it. Let him say what he please! I knew, when he came, that it would not lead to anything good. "Give me your purse," he said. I did not take it, so help me Christ, I did not! (The young people surround him and laugh.)
Leoníd Fédorovich (angrily to his son). Eternally your foolishness! (To Third Peasant.) Don't worry, my friend! We know that you did not take it. It was only a trial.
Grossman (takes off his bandage and pretends to be waking up). A little water, if you please. (Everybody is busy about him.)
Vasíli Leonídych. Let us go from here to the coachman's room. I will show you a bitch I have there! Épâtant! Ah, what!
Betsy. What a nasty word! Can't you say "dog"?
Vasíli Leonídych. Impossible. One could not say about you: What an épâtant man Betsy is? One has to say "girl," just so in this case. Ah, what? Márya Konstantínovna, is it so? Was it good? (Laughs.)
Márya Konstantínovna. Well, let us go!
(Márya Konstantinovna, Betsy, Petríshchev, and Vasili Leonidych exeunt.)
Scene XVIII. The same, without Betsy, Márya Konstantínovna, Petríshchev, and Vasíli Leonídych.
Stout Lady (to Grossmann). What? How? Are you rested? (Grossmann does not answer. To Sakhátov.) Sergyéy Iványch, did you feel the efflux?
Sakhátov. I did not feel anything. But it was nice, very nice,—quite a success.
Baroness. Admirable! Ça ne le fait pas souffrir?
Leoníd Fédorovich. Pas le moins du monde.
Professor (to Grossmann). Permit me to ask you. (Giving him the thermometer.) At the beginning of the test it was thirty-seven and two. (To the doctor.) That is correct, I think? Be so kind as to verify the pulse. A loss is unavoidable.
Doctor (to Grossmann). Well, sir, let me take your pulse. We will verify it, we will. (Takes out his watch and holds his hand.)
Stout Lady (to Grossmann). Excuse me! The condition in which you were cannot be called sleep?
Grossman (tired). It is the same hypnosis.
Sakhátov. Then we must understand it in the sense of your having hypnotized yourself?
Grossman. Why not? Hypnosis can take place not only through association, as, for example, at the sound of a tam-tam, as with Charcot, but by a mere entrance into a hypnogenic zone.
Sakhátov. I shall admit that that is correct, but it is desirable more clearly to define what hypnosis is.
Professor. Hypnosis is the phenomenon of the transmutation of one energy into another.
Grossman. Charcot did not define it thus.
Sakhátov. Excuse me, excuse me. Such is your definition, but Libot told me himself—
Doctor (giving up the pulse). Ah, it is all right, all right. Now the temperature. ​Stout Lady (interposing). No, excuse me! I agree with Aleksyéy Vladímirovich. Here you have the best proof of all. When, after my illness, I lay senseless, I was overcome by a desire to talk. I am in general reserved, but suddenly the desire to talk developed in me, and they tell me I talked so that they all wondered. (To Sakhátov.) However, I think I interrupted you.
Sakhátov (with dignity). Not in the least. Proceed!
Doctor. The pulse is eighty-two, the temperature has risen by three-tenths.
Professor. So here you have the proof. That is what it ought to be. (Takes out a note-book and makes a memorandum.) Eighty-two, am I right? And thirty-seven and five? As soon as hypnosis is caused, there is at once an intensified action of the heart.
Doctor. I can testify, as a doctor, that your prediction has fully been realized.
Professor (to Sakhátov). And you said?—
Sakhátov. I wanted to say that Libot himself told me that hypnosis is only a special psychic condition which increases suggestion.
Professor. However, Libot is not an authority, while Charcot has made an all-around investigation of the subject and has proved that hypnosis produced by a blow, trauma—
| Sakhátov. I do not deny Charcot's labours. I know him, too. All I say is that Libot told me so. Grossman (hotly). In the Salpetrière there are three thousand patients, and I have taken a full course. Professor. Excuse me, gentlemen, that is not the point. | All together. |
Stout Lady (interposing). I will explain it to you in two words. When my husband was ill, all the doctors refused— ​Leoníd Fédorovich. Let us go back to the house. Baroness, if you please.
(Exeunt all speaking together and interrupting each other.)
Anna Pávlovna (pulling Leonid Fédorovich's sleeve and stopping him). How many times have I told you not to give orders in the house! You know only your foolishness, and the house is on my shoulders. You will infect everybody.
Leoníd Fédorovich. Who? What? I do not understand a word.
Anna Pávlovna. You ask? People sick with diphtheria sleep in the kitchen, where there is a constant intercourse with the house!
Leoníd Fédorovich. I—
Anna Pávlovna. What I?
Leoníd Fédorovich. I do not know anything.
Anna Pávlovna. You ought to know, since you are the father of a family. You ought not to do this.
Leoníd Fédorovich. I did not think— I thought—
Anna Pávlovna. It makes me sick to listen to you!
(Leonid Fédorovich remains silent.)
Anna Pávlovna (to Fédor Iványch). Out with them this very minute! Let them not be in my kitchen! This is terrible. Nobody obeys me! Everything against me— I drive them away from one place, and they let them in here. (Becomes ever more agitated until tears appear.) Everything to spite me! Everything to spite ​me! And with my ailing— Doctor, doctor! Peter Petróvich He has gone!
(Sobs and exit, followed by Leonid Fédorovich.)
Scene XX. Three peasants, Tánya, Fédor Iványch, Cook, and Old Cook (on oven).
(Tableau. All stand for a long while in silence.)
Third Peasant. God be merciful with them! Before you know it a man will here be hauled up by the police. I have not been in court in all my life. Let us go to a lodging, boys!
Fédor Iványch (to Tánya). What is to be done?
Tánya. Nothing, Fédor Iványch. Let them go to the coachman's room.
Fédor Iványch. How can they go to the coachman's room? The coachman has been complaining, as it is, that there are too many dogs there.
Tánya. Well, then, to the male servants' room.
Fédor Iványch. But if they should find out?
Tánya. They will not find out. Have no fear, Fédor Iványch. How can we drive them away at night? They would not even find a place.
Fédor Iványch. Well, do as you think best, so they are away from here. (Exit.)
Scene XXI. Three Peasants, Tánya, Cook, and Old Cook. (Peasants pick up their wallets.)
Old Cook. I declare, they are accursed devils! They are having too good a time! The devils!
Cook. You shut up! Thank the Lord they did not see you!
Tánya. Come, my uncles, to the servants' room!
First Peasant. Well, how is our affair? How, for ​example, is it in regard to the signature, the application of the hand? Well, are we to be in hope?
Tánya. You will find out in an hour.
Second Peasant. Shall you be sly enough?
Tánya (laughing). If God is willing.
(Curtain.)