# Social Customs/Chapter 18

Marriage engagements, as all the world knows, are made in this country by the young people themselves, and very seldom by their parents. Managing mammas or match-making friends may contrive ways and means to bring a young couple together; but these outside influences are exerted indirectly, and the main actors in the drama are almost without exception the two parties directly interested.
A certain inconvenience sometimes results from this "American plan;" as, for instance, where two families who differ much from each other in their tastes, views, and habits suddenly find themselves on the verge of an unlooked-for and undesired connection through the threatened union of two of their members. We do not in these days "have it out" like the Capulets and Montagues; but we sometimes feel very much as they did, and look daggers if we don't draw them.
Under these circumstances, much depends upon our Romeos and Juliets; and if they are wise they will endeavor to smooth out matters (without resorting to the apothecary), and to soften the hearts of the obdurate parents. Juliet should remember that Romeo's parents may have had other and more ambitious views for their only son. Instead of feeling anger at their disappointment, she should try to change ​it to a pleasant one by making herself as agreeable to them as she can. Unless they are very obdurate or worldly people she will be apt to succeed, because she has a powerful ally under their own roof in the person of their son.
The elder Montagues and Capulets also should endeavor to modify their transports of wrath, unless in cases where they feel very sure that the proposed marriage would not be a happy one, or where there is some very serious objection to Romeo or Juliet. A little time ought to be given them to recover from their surprise, to make inquiries perhaps, and to determine what course they will pursue. But let it not be a half-way course. The fiancée of a son ought to be cordially received by her future father-in-law and mother-in-law, and a young girl's intended should be treated with kindness and courtesy by her relatives. Otherwise ill feeling is engendered which often will not be wiped out for two or three generations. To be treated with coldness or half-concealed contempt, especially under such circumstances, is a blow to their pride which most people do not readily forgive. A parent may be pardoned if he hesitates to give his consent to the marriage of a favorite child with a person about whom he knows little or feels uncertain. But his consent once given should be given freely and cordially.
A new and pleasant custom has arisen by which a young lady writes to all her intimate friends and tells them that her engagement will be announced on such and such a day,—of course a very near one. On that day accordingly her friends all call upon her and she holds a pleasant and informal reception.
Many of her friends send her flowers; and all who have heard from her should call, or send her a congratulatory note. If she is popular in society she will be invited to dinners, evening parties, etc., given in honor of her fiancé and herself.
A solitaire diamond is still the most fashionable engagement ​ring, though no young lady should expect or even wish to receive such an one where she knows that her lover's means are too limited to justify his making such an expensive present.
Very strict people say that a young man should make an offer of marriage to a young lady nowhere but under her father's roof. To most of us this seems overstrained; but he should certainly never make such an offer when the young lady is a guest in his own house.
Many fathers and mothers allow young people who are engaged to do pretty much as they please; but the world is so censorious, that a young girl will do well to observe the strict rules of etiquette on the subject. The parents of her fiancé may be very punctilious people, and she ought not to do anything to give them cause of offence.
According to the rules of etiquette a young lady cannot travel alone with the young man to whom she is engaged, nor stay at the same hotel with him, nor go to theatres, concerts, and parties alone with him. Fifty years ago brides did not leave the house—except after dark—after the invitations to the marriage were sent out. But public opinion no longer demands this unhealthy and absurd seclusion. Many young ladies, however, do not accept any invitations after their wedding cards have been issued.
A young lady at the sea-shore greatly shocked public opinion by going down to the surf beach and bathing on the morning of her wedding day.
The arrival of the wedding presents is always a signal for great interest and excitement in the household; but, strange to say, brides often forget or neglect to write and thank the donors. This is a very grave oversight, and makes the young lady appear very ungrateful. She should always write and thank each person who has sent her a present, either before the wedding or as soon after as possible.
Those who are invited to a wedding breakfast answer promptly, just as they would in the case of a dinner invitation. Ladies do not remove their bonnets. When breakfast is announced, the bride and bridegroom lead the way to the dining-room or other apartment where the collation is served. They are followed by the bride's father with the bridegroom's mother, the bridegroom's father with the bride's mother, the best man with the first bridesmaid, and the other bridesmaids with the gentlemen who are appointed to take them down.
At a "sit-down" breakfast the host or hostess informs each gentleman which lady he is to take down, and presents him to her, where they are not already acquainted. The bride and bridegroom sit at the head of the table or at the centre of one of the sides. Next to the bride sits her father with the bridegroom's mother, and next to the bridegroom comes the bride's mother with the bridegroom's father. The bridesmaids with the gentlemen who have taken them down divide themselves into two groups, one group sitting on each side of the table next the parents. This is the rule where the bridal couple occupy the head of the table; when they are seated at the side, the bridesmaids sit opposite to them, each sitting at the right hand of her attendant cavalier.
​The menu usually comprises soup, hot and cold entrées chickens, game, salads, pâté de foie gras, jellies, creams, etc. Tea and coffee are not served, champagne and other wines taking their places. The sweets and fruit are placed on the table. The servants hand all the dishes in due course, and all the wines. Finger-glasses and doilies are not used at an English wedding breakfast, but dinner napkins always are.
After the more substantial courses have been partaken of, the bride cuts the cake; though she is not expected to do more than make the first incision, and the real cutting up is done by a servant at the side table. The cake is then handed to all the guests, and every one eats at least a fragment. English wedding-cake is covered with a very delicious frosting strongly flavored with almonds and of a rather soft consistency.
The health of the bride and bridegroom is proposed by the oldest friend of the family.
The bridegroom responds in behalf of his wife and himself, and proposes the health of the bridesmaids. The best man returns thanks for the bridesmaids.
The health of the bride's father and mother is usually proposed by the bridegroom's father. The bride's father returns thanks and proposes the health of the bridegroom's parents. The bridegroom's father acknowledges the compliment. The speeches are usually made as short as possible; but even with this precaution they are apt to be tedious and stiff, and the fashion of making them is not likely to take root in America. The bride leaves the dining-room to put on her travelling-dress as soon as the healths have been drunk. Gentlemen accompany the ladies to the drawing-room, and do not stay behind to take wine.
At an English wedding the bridegroom always provides the carriage in which he and the bride drive from church ​and again drive away after the wedding breakfast. White favors and bouquets deck the horses, coachman, and footman. There are neither ushers nor groomsmen at an English wedding. The sexton of the church and the pew-opener officiate instead.