# Social Customs/Chapter 14

Formulas for invitations to balls and dances have been already given in the chapter on Invitations. For a large ball, especially if it be given at a very gay season, when people will be apt to have numerous engagements, the invitations are sometimes sent out three or four weeks beforehand. This is notably the case in London, where the short season of gayety is crowded with social events.
In America, we have few houses that are large enough to give balls in with any comfort to the dancers. Indeed, not many of them can boast a regular ball-room; and yet Americans are extremely fond of dancing, and dance extremely well. We have therefore adopted the custom of giving private balls at public assembly-rooms; and for the dancers this is infinitely more agreeable than trying to dance in crowded parlors, where the heat and the great crowd of non-combatants destroy all the pleasure for the young people.
It is in vain that the hospitable host and hostess at a private ball throw open their mansion from top to bottom, and arrange card-tables in the hope that the elderly will be lured away from the main scene of action. They will not be; every one wants to hear the music and see the dancing, save perhaps a few flirtatious couples who wander away to deserted nooks and corners.
​But in the assembly-rooms at Delmonico's in New York, or at Pierce's Hall in Boston, there is room for every one. The elders can sit in comfort, without the danger of anybody's trampling on their feet or crushing their dresses, and the dancers have a delightful floor, spacious, smooth, and not too slippery. The music, too, can be placed and heard to much better advantage than in a private house, and the terrible jam at the supper-table is measurably avoided.
Balls thus given lack a certain social element, it is true, and it is also to be feared that the young men feel their obligations to a hostess even less, if that were possible, than they do under her own roof. Some party-givers compromise matters by giving a number of small dances at their own houses,—an excellent plan, but one which has also its own disadvantages. There is a saying that "nothing makes so many enemies as giving small parties;" you cannot ask every one to them, and somebody is sure to be offended because he is left out.
The safest way, for those who can afford it, is to give one large ball or reception in the beginning of the season, invite all their friends and acquaintances, and after that to give as many small parties as they choose.
Another objection to small dances at private houses is that the mothers are often not invited. This is certainly to be regretted, especially as it is usually the very young girls—the débutantes, those who most need the counsel and protection of their mothers—who are invited to these dances. In small cities, or in good, quiet, sober-going Boston, such a custom is less dangerous than in a place like New York, where the immense foreign population has necessarily had its effect on manners and customs.
When making out a list of those to be invited to a ball, one should be extremely careful to include the names of the living only. It is very painful to receive an invitation for ​some dear relative who has passed away from this earth; yet such a thing often happens. The reason for a mistake of this sort is that the hostess when about to give a ball necessarily asks many people with whom she is but slightly acquainted; perhaps she includes her entire visiting list, or even goes beyond it.
But there are to be found in most cities a few learned individuals who make it their pleasant business to know everything about everybody. The worth of these persons is not always fully appreciated by mankind at large; but they are invaluable in their way, and should always be consulted by the givers of balls and other festivities.
The best floors for dancing are the parquet floors that are now so fashionable. Where a house does not boast of these, the next best thing is to take up the carpets and to have the floors smoothed and planed by a carpenter, so that there shall be no danger of splinters getting into the feet of the dancers. Formerly, carpets were covered with crash, which was nailed down over them smoothly, and made quite a pleasant surface to dance upon; but the fine lint which arose from it was found to have a very bad effect on the lungs of dancers and musicians. A favorite player of dance music in New York died a few years ago of consumption, caused by constantly inhaling this lint; and the use of crash has now been abandoned in a great measure because it has proved so unwholesome.
Plenty of good music is a great desideratum for a ball. Where a band of four or five or more players is employed, it is usual to place them in a small room adjoining those used for dancing, or at the end of the hall, a screen of vines and flowers concealing the usually prosaic forms of the hired musicians.
What a pity it is that we cannot hire Apollo to play for dancing-parties! Then we should not mind looking at him; ​and he, being a god, would not get so desperately tired as do the poor human musicians, who begin to wail out the dance music in rather lugubrious fashion toward three or four in the morning. How utterly inconsiderate and thoughtless, not to say selfish, are very young people! To them the fatigue of a fat, elderly German musician is incomprehensible; indeed, they cannot understand that he should even want to stop playing long enough to eat his supper.
It is lucky for the rest of the world that we can only be young once. Youth is a glorious period, but how it makes every one else suffer! Rapt in delightful roseate visions, the young man treads on air, and yet at the same time he manages somehow to crush all the gouty toes that are anywhere near him!
For a ball, all the appointments must be very handsome; there must be a first-class supper as well as good music, good floors, and plenty of illumination. Usually a wealth of floral decoration is an important feature of a modern ball-room; people turn their city mansions into temporary greenhouses, and waving palms, with every variety of potted plants and choice flowers, make a veritable Eden for the time being.
When a ball is given in a public hall or a theatre, rich hangings and handsome rugs, with pseudo-old furniture and bric-à-brac, are disposed in such a way as to give the effect of a house as far as possible; for if we don't worship the Lares and Penates of home in this age, we do worship the idol bric-à-brac.
In a private house most of the furniture is necessarily removed from the ball-rooms to make room for the dancers; but a fringe of chairs and sofas should be left for the dowagers, who cannot be expected to stand during a whole evening. In England, people hire "rout-seats with velvet or damask cushions" for so much a foot; but in this country we hire only chairs for the german or cotillon, true to our ​principle of looking out for the comfort of the young people, and letting the elders look out for themselves. Paterfamilias must not forget to provide these seats for the german, which play an important part in the evening's entertainment. Fifty years ago the cotillon was danced without seats in New York; but we have changed all that.
Supper may be served continuously during the evening, or it may take place at a stated hour,—twelve or one o'clock, for instance. If the latter plan is adopted, it is advisable to have punch, bouillon, and other light refreshments placed where they will be easily accessible throughout the evening. Bouillon and ices are sometimes handed among the company at intervals. Those who dance the german will need a second supper; or, if that is not provided, bouillon and ices should be passed to them.
Oysters,—fried, creamed, escaloped, and raw,—salads, croquettes, cold salmon served whole and handsomely ornamented, boned turkey, terrapin, birds, ices of the most expensive forms and varieties,—such as frozen pudding, bombe glacée, café mousse, etc.,—wine jellies and charlotte russe, fresh and candied fruits, bonbons, tea and coffee, and endless quantities of cake, are found on the supper-tables. Champagne and other wines are usually provided; and alas! it is sometimes wiser for ladies not to visit the supper-table very late in the evening, unless they wish to run the risk of meeting there young men who have drunk more than is good for them.
The quantity of silver plate, gold spoons, etc., displayed by some rich families on these occasions is very great, and detectives in evening dress are sometimes employed to watch the supper-table. Other entertainers do not use all their best plate and china at a crowded ball, but hire their supplies from the confectioner, thus giving themselves greater ease of mind than they could possibly have, were so much of their worldly wealth exposed to loss or destruction.
​It is the rule that a hostess shall not be more handsomely attired than her guests, because if any one happens to be simply dressed the hostess thus keeps her in countenance as it were. But for a ball this rule does not hold. Here it is expected that every one will be en grande toilette, and the hostess therefore wears her handsomest robes, her most beautiful jewelry. Fashions in dress of course vary constantly; but it is an invariable rule that débutantes and very young girls should wear jewelry sparingly. If a young girl owns, for instance, a pair of large and valuable diamond earrings, she does better not to wear them until she has been in society for several years.
Young girls should always choose white, or light, delicate colors for ball costumes, and as a rule, soft transparent materials, such as tulle, mull, India muslin, etc.; it will be time enough to wear rich heavy brocades, silks, and dark velvets, when they shall have attained more mature years. Some young girls prefer silken materials for ball dresses because they are less perishable. Rich laces should be reserved for elder or married ladies; Valenciennes and the thousand and one pretty, cheap laces now in vogue are suitable for girls, but deep flounces, aprons, etc., of point lace are not appropriate for them.
Débutantes are often ambitious of wearing costumes that are altogether unsuited to their years. They do not understand that it is "better form" for them to dress youthfully; indeed, they are often ashamed of being so young, and try to hide their greatest charms,—youth and freshness! With such girls, mothers should exercise a proper degree of firmness on the subject of clothes, and in two or three years their daughters will thank them for it.
In this country dressing-rooms are always provided for balls, parties, etc.,—one for ladies and one for gentlemen. It seems to us quite extraordinary that in London such a ​provision is often omitted, and a lady must put the last touches to her toilette before leaving her carriage.
In the lady's dressing-room, attendants should be in waiting to help the guests take off their cloaks, remove their overshoes for them, etc.; and one attendant at least should stay there all the evening, since young ladies are liable at any moment to need a ruffle mended or to have some other damage to their dresses repaired. The foot of man makes wondrous havoc with the light draperies of a ball-dress; and the Countess * * * gravely informs her readers that gentlemen should not wear spurs in a ball-room!
Where there are a great number of people present, it is well to have the cloak bundles numbered, each lady having a duplicate number in her pocket. At a public ball this should always be done. There have been some dreadful times at the White House through carelessness in this particular; and after General Grant's Inauguration Ball, people grew so desperate with long and vain hunting for their wraps, that many went home hatless and coatless in the night air like so many Cinderellas.
In the street, an awning overhead and a carpet on the steps and sidewalk should be provided for the comfort of the guests, and a policeman hired for the occasion; or a private servant should open the doors of the carriages and help the ladies out. This functionary should also number the carriages, giving one number to the driver and the duplicate to the occupants of the carriage, so as to simplify as far as possible the tedious process of finding one's carriage when the party is over. A servant should also be stationed at the door, so that the guests may be admitted without delay.