# The Comedies of Plautus: Literally Translated into English Prose, with Notes/Volume 2/Mostellaria/Act V

Act V.—Scene I.
Enter Tranio.
Tra. (to himself). The man that shall prove timid in critical matters, will not be worth a nutshell. And, really, to say what that expression, "worth a nutshell," means, I don't know. But after my master sent me into the country to fetch his son hither, I went that way (pointing) slily through the lane to our garden. At the entrance to the garden that's in the lane, I opened the door; and by that road I led out all the troop, both men and women. After, from being in a state of siege, I had led out my troops to a place of safety, I ​adopted the plan of convoking a senate of my comrades, and when I had convoked it, they forthwith banished me from the senate. When I myself perceived that the matter must be decided by my own judgment, as soon as ever I could, I did the same as many others do, whose affairs are in a critical or a perplexed state; they proceed to render them more perplexed, so that nothing can be settled. But I know full well, that now by no means can this be concealed from the old man. But how's this, that our next neighbour's door makes a noise? Why, surely this is my master: I"d like to have a taste of his talk. (Goes aside, out of sight of Theuropides.)
Enter Theuropides, from Simo's house.
Theu. (in the doorway, speaking to Simo's Slaves). Do you stand there, in that spot within the threshold; so that, the very instant I call, you may sally forth at once. Quickly fasten the handcuffs upon him. I'll wait before the house for this fellow that makes a fool of me, whose hide I'll make a fool of in fine style, if I live.
Tra. (apart). The affair's all out. Now it's best for you, Tranio, to consider what you are to do.
Theu. (to himself). I must go to work to catch him cleverly and artfully when he comes here. I'll not disclose to him my feelings all at once; I'll throw out my line; I'll conceal the fact that I know anything of these matters.
Tra. (apart). O cunning mortal! not another person in Athens can be pronounced more clever than he. One can no more this day deceive him than he can a stone. I'll accost the man; I'll address him.
Theu. (to himself). Now I do wish that he would come here.
Tra. (apart). I' faith, if me indeed you want, here I am ready at hand for you. (Comes forward.)
Theu. Bravo! Tranio, what's being done?
Tra. The country people are coming from the country: Philolaches will be here in a moment.
Theu. I' faith, he comes opportunely for me. This neighbour of ours I take to be a shameless and dishonest fellow.
Tra. Why so?
Theu. Inasmuch as he denies that he knows you.
Tra. Denies it? Theu. And declares that you never gave him a single coin of money.
​Tra. Out with you, you are joking me, I do believe; he doesn't deny it.
Theu. How so? Tra. I am sure now that you are joking; for surely he doesn't deny it.
Theu. Nay but, upon my faith, he really does deny it; or that he has sold this house to Philolaches.
Tra. Well now, pray, has he denied that the money was paid him?
Theu. Nay more, he offered to take an oath to me, if I desired it, that he had neither sold this house, nor had any money him paid been. I told him the same that you told me.
Tra. What did he say? Theu. He offered to give up all his servants for examination.
Tra. Nonsense! On my faith, he never will give them up.
Theu. He really does offer them.
Tra. Why then, do you summon him to trial.
Theu. Wait a bit; I'll make trial as I fancy. I'm determined on it. Tra. Bring the fellow here to me.
Theu. What then, if I go fetch some men?
Tra. It ought to have been done already; or else bid the young man to demand possession of the house.
Theu. Why no, I want to do this first—to put the servants under examination.
Tra. I' faith, I think it ought to be done. Meantime, I'll take possession of this altar. (Runs to the altar.)
Theu. Why so? Tra. You can understand nothing. Why, that those may not be able to take refuge here whom he shall give up for examination, I'll keep guard here for you; so that the examination may not come to nothing.
Theu. Get up from the altar. Tra. By no means.
Theu. Prithee, don't you take possession of the altar.
Tra. Why so?
Theu. You shall hear; why, because I especially want ​this, for them to be taking refuge there. Do let them; so much the more easily shall I get him fined before the judge.
Tra. What you intend to do, do it. Why do you wish to sow further strife? You don't know how ticklish a thing it is to go to law.
Theu. Just get up, (beckoning) this way; it's, then, to ask your advice upon something that I want you.
Tra. Still, as I am, I'll give my advice from this spot: my wits are much sharper when I'm sitting. Besides, advice is given with higher sanction from holy places.
Theu. Get up; don't be trifling. Just look me in the face. Tra. (looking at him). I am looking.
Theu. Do you see me? Tra. I do see—that if any third person were to step in here, he would die of hunger.
Theu. Why so? Tra. Because he would get no profit; for, upon my faith, we are both artful ones.
Theu. I'm undone! Tra. What's the matter with you?
Theu. You have deceived me. Tra. How so, pray?
Theu. You've wiped me clean. Tra. Consider, please, if it wasn't well done; is your nose running still?
Theu. Aye, all my brains besides have you been wiping out of my head as well. For all your villaines I have discovered from their very roots; and not from the roots, indeed, i' faith, but even from beneath the very roots. Never this day, by my troth, will you have planned all this without being punished. I shall at once, you villain, order fire and faggots to be placed around you.
Tra. Don't do it; for it's my way to be sweeter boiled than roasted.
​Theu. Upon my faith, I'll make an example of you.
Tra. Because I please you, you select me for an example.
Theu. Say now: what kind of a person did I leave my son, when I went away from here?
Tra. One with feet and hands, with fingers, ears, eyes, and lips. Theu. I asked you something else than that.
Tra. For that reason I now answer you something else. But look, I see Callidamates, the friend of your son, coming this way. Deal with me in his presence, if you want anything.
Scene II.—Enter Callidamates, at a distance.
Call. (to himself). When I had buried all drowsiness, and slept off the debauch, Philolaches told me that his father had arrived here from abroad; in what a way too his servant had imposed upon the man on his arrival; he said that he was afraid to come into his presence. Now of our company I am deputed sole ambassador, to obtain peace from his father. And look, most opportunely here he is. (Accosting Theuropides.) I wish you health, Theuropides, and am glad that you've got back safe from abroad. You must dine here with us to-day. Do so.
Theu. Callidamates, may the Gods bless you. For your dinner I offer you my thanks.
Call. Will you come then? Tra. (To Theuropides.) Do promise him; I'll go for you, if you don't like.
Theu. Whip-scoundrel, laughing at me still?
Tra. What, because I say that I'll go to dinner for you?
Theu. But you shan't go. I'll have you carried to the cross, as you deserve.
Tra. Come, let this pass, and say that I shall go to the dinner. Why are you silent?
Call. (to Tranio). But why, you greatest of simpletons, have you taken refuge at the altar?
Tra. He frightened me on his arrival. (To Theuropides.) ​Say now, what I have done amiss. Look, now there's an umpire for us both; come, discuss the matter.
Theu. I say that you have corrupted my son.
Tra. Only listen. I confess that he has done amiss; that he has given freedom to his mistress; that in your absence he has borrowed money at interest; that, I admit, is squandered away. Has he done anything different to what sons of the noblest families do?
Theu. Upon my faith, I must be on my guard with you; you are too clever a pleader.
Call. Just let me be umpire in this matter. (To Tranio.) Get up; I'll seat myself there.
Theu. By all means: take the management of this dispute to yourself. (Pushes him to one side of the altar.)
Tra. Why, this is surely a trick. Make me, then, not to be in a fright, and yourself to be in a fright in my stead.
Theu. I consider now everything of trifling consequence, compared with the way in which he has fooled me.
Tra. I' faith, 'twas cleverly done, and I rejoice that it was done. Those who have white heads ought at that age to be wiser.
Theu. What am I now to do if my friend Demipho or Philonides——
Tra. Tell them in what way your servant made a fool of you. You would be affording most capital plots for Comedies.
Call. Hold your tongue awhile; let me speak in my turn.—Listen. Theu. By all means.
Call. In the first place of all then, you know that I am the companion of your son; he has gone to my house, for he is ashamed to come into your presence, because he knows that you are aware what he has done. Now, I beseech you, do pardon his simplicity and youthfulness. He is your son; you know that this age is wont to play such pranks; whatever he has done, he has done in company with me. We have acted wrong: the interest, principal, and all the sum at which the mistress was purchased, all of it we find, and will contribute together, at our own cost, not yours.
Theu. No mediator could have come to me more able to influence me than yourself. I am neither angry with him, ​nor do I blame him for anything: nay more, in my presence, wench on, drink, do what you please. If he's ashamed of this, that he has been extravagant, I have sufficient satisfaction.
Call. I'm quite ashamed myself.
Tra. He grants pardon thus far; now then, what is to become of me?
Theu. Filth, tied up as you hang, you shall be beaten with stripes.
Tra. Even though I am ashamed?
Theu. Upon my faith, I'll be the death of you, if I live!
Call. Make this pardon general; do, pray, forgive Tranio this offence, for my sake.
Theu. I would more readily put up with your obtaining any other request of me than that I should forbear sending to perdition this fellow for his most villanous doings.
Call. Pray, do pardon him. Tra. Do pardon me?
Theu. Look there, don't you see how the villain sticks there? (Pointing to the altar.)
Call. Tranio, do be quiet, if you are in your senses.
Theu. Only do you be quiet in urging this matter. I'll subdue him with stripes, so that he shall be quiet.
Call. Really, there is no need. Come now, do allow yourself to be prevailed upon.
Theu. I wish you would not request me.
Call. Troth now, I do entreat you.
Theu. I wish you would not request me, I tell you.
Call. It's in vain you wish me not; only do grant this one pardon for his offence, pray, for my sake, I do entreat you.
Tra. Why make this difficulty? As if to-morrow I shouldn't be very soon committing some other fault; then, both of them, both this one and that, you'll be able to punish soundly.
Call. Do let me prevail upon you.
Theu. Well then, have it so; begone, unpunished! (Tranio jumps down from the altar.) There now, (pointing to Callidamates) return him thanks for it. (Coming forward.) Spectators, this Play is finished; grant us your applause.
* ↑ Servants under examination)—Ver. 1073. "Quæstioni." "Examination by torture;" which was the method used by the Romans for extracting confessions from slaves.
* ↑ Take possession of this altar)—Ver. 1074. When a person took refuge at an altar, he could not be brought to justice, or have violence offered to his person. According to some writers, there were always two altars on the stage of Comedy, one on the right hand, sacred to Apollo, and one on the left, devoted to that Divinity or Hero in honor of whom the Play was being acted.
* ↑ Sharper when I'm sitting)—1083. Warner suggests that a little raillery is intended here, upon the custom of sitting when dispensing justice and paying adoration to the Gods.
* ↑ With higher sanction from holy places)—Ver. 1084. The ancients made use of sacred places for the purpose of debating on affairs of importance in, as being likely to add weight and authority to their judgment. The Roman Senate often met in the Temples, and there administered justice and gave audience to ambassadors.
* ↑ You've wiped me clean)—Ver. 1089. "Emungo," "to wipe the nose" for a person, also meant "to cheat" or "impose upon him;" probably, by reason of the state of helplessness it implied in the party who was so treated.
* ↑ Order fire and faggots)—Ver. 1099. Though a suppliant could not be removed from the altar by force, still it was allowable to burn him away, by surrounding him with fire.
* ↑ Buried all drowsiness)—Ver. 1102. Generally we hear of a person "being buried in sleep;" but Callidamates considers that a drunkard, when he awakes from his sleep, "buries slumber." It is not unlike the words of Shakspeare, in Macbeth: "Macbeth doth murder sleep!"
* ↑ Neither angry with him)—Ver. 1142. "Illi," "with him;" evidently meaning Philolaches.
* ↑ Though I am ashamed)—Ver. 1146. This piece of impudence is very characteristic of Tranio.
* ↑ Grant us your applause)—Ver. 1160. We may here remark that The Intriguing Chambermaid, one of Fielding's Comedies is founded upon this entertaining Play.