# Patsy Moran and the Trappings of Chivalry

Extracted from "Everybody's" magazine, v.19 1908, pp. 67–76. Illustrations by Emlen McConell may be omitted.
Patsy Moran and the Trappings of Chivalry
By ARTHUR SULLIVANT HOFFMAN
illustrations by Emlen McConnell
LISTEN', thin," said Patsy, comfortably ensconced with his friend Tim in his own room on Avenue A, "if ye would hear of a umbrageous evenin', and incidental why I've got it in for Slippy Johnson—the sin-faced omadhaun—and bad scran to him!
"To begin with, he was knowin' no more of the insides of the house we was to make our haul from, up on Riverside Drive, than ye know about nursin'-bottles, which ain't more than would be good for the baby. With all his philanderin' with wan of the maids, all Slippy knowed was this—and do ye mark it well yoursilf so ye can follow me easy—that they was three in the family—old man Pettenby, what run to books, his sister, and a young girl—Miss Howard—what was a ward to him. Visitin' thim and courtin' the girl was wan of thim English lords. Be the same token, they was also the old gintleman's nephew, who wasn't stayin' at the house but come pretty close to it on account of the girl bein' there. Fix thim points in your mind, and I'll be addin' some facts as I go on to keep him from rattlin' round.
"We wint Winsday because of they bein' a dinner-party on thin, and we was to slip in with the dark of early evenin', whin the rear of the house was open and the servants havin' natural troubles of their own, and lay quiet till the feed begun gittin' noisy. Did iver ye hear the like of that for any wan with a brain harder than a fresh egg?
"But we done it, thanks to me seein' it through—leastways as far as the hidin'. Ye might almost as well 'a' tried to find a hidin'-place on the outside of a pool-hall, and be the time we reached the third floor I was feelin' a bit nervous, though the family was all wan flight down on the sicond floor, drissin' thimsilves. We wint into the libr'y room, and starin' at me as we come in the door was the most outrageous and bediviled human image I iver seen, with the light glintin' off it scarey.
"'Name o' heaven, Slippy!' says I, husky, and grabbin' him. 'What's that?'
"'Bah,' says he, 'it's a suit of arr-more, ye fool,' says he, like as if he'd growed up with thim things. 'It's just a ornymint.'
"'It's a mighty bad wan,' says I. 'What did ye say it was?'
"Suit of arr-more,' he says. 'They used to wear thim afore ye was born, whin they was no guns or fool sons of them,' says he insultin', and wint over and comminced lookin' at it. Thin I raymimbered how wanct they used to wear thim iron clothes so ye couldn't be shootin' thim, because they wasn't annythtng to do it with, had to crack a man open with a axe like he was a nut afore ye could attract his attintion.
"'They've been usin' it,' says Slippy. 'They's new straps and buckle on it. Wan of thim masquerades, most like.' he says, and goes on examinin' of it.
"They ain't no use dwellin' on it, but what come of his lookin' was another of thim plans of his. It was for one of us to go on up in the attic, which was safe but far off, and the other wan of us to git inside that tin suit of hand-me-downs, and stand up there on its box listenin' till the guests come and the fam'ly wint down to dinner, an' then to give the signal, the point bein' that even if they come into the libr'y room they couldn't notice nothin'. They ain't but wan piece of advice worth takin' and that's not to take anny, but Slippy had so many argymints on the glib tongue of him that I give in just to hear him quit talkin'. Of course it was me was to put on thim warship clothes, he bein' three sizes too big for thim and me not more than wan; but of course it was only for a bit of a while.
"He begun takin' it apart, quiet-like, and pullin' all thim pieces of it on me, wan be wan, and strappin' thim there. Few of thim they was that wasn't too tight for the like of me, so off come some of me clothes. Be the time they was all on but the gas-range me head was to go into, I could feel me feet makin' dints in the top of the box from the weight of me. And they wasn't annything soft on the inside of that hardware.
"'Slippy,' says I, 'this ain't no hammock. I'm fearin' I can't be no canned human for longer than till nixt leap-year,' I says.
"'Sh!' says he. 'Don't be movin' anny! The noise of it will bring the whole house up here, It's proud ye should be to be wearin' that arr-more. Kings have wore it,' he says.
"'Yis,' says I, 'and they're all dead, ivry wan of thim. Kinqs has had boils,' I says, 'but that ain't anny reason for me havin' thim.'
"'There,' says he, slippin' the gas-range over me ears and bucklin' some more straps, and I begun seein' through a row of slits in the front of me cook-stove and breathin' through another row of thim lower down. Thin he comes out in front where I could see him through the bars, pickin' up me coat and trousies and hookin' his finger through the straps of me shoes.
"'Suppose,' he says, grinnin' like the spalpeen he is, 'suppose I left ye here for the cops to take off on a truck, hilpless, and wint to comfort that lady frind of yours whilst ye was livin' up the river?'
"'Sure,' says I, me voice soundin' like a roll of thunder in me iron kittle, 'and I'd have ye sint up after me, expeditious and quicker than that. Is it a fool ye think I am?'
"'Ye was fool enough to come on this job without preparin' anny alibi, and—I wasn't!' says he, grinnin' another inch into the cheeks of him.
"Me blood run it thim words, and I was just figuring if I could fall off me box so as some of me'd drop on him and squash the black life out of him, when all to wanct there come the sound of some wan on the stairs! Out wint Slippv, me clothes with him!
"'That's the last of him,' says I. 'And the saints hilp me! They ain't but wan chanct and that's to stay still on me box like I was growed here, and maybe I am,' I says, feelin' like I was all wan piece and weighed a ton.
"The steps come right up to the door, and in walked the blatherin'est Englishman that iver squeezed a rent, in his dress-suit and a eye-glass and lookin' like a whole herd of sheep.
"He give no more heed to me than to the sofy—me bein' jut a ornymint now and glad of it. He wint wanderin' about, puttin' his tie to rights as careful as if it was made of glass, with me tryin' not to breathe at all, for the air goin' through thim slits in the can on me head sounded in me ears like a wind-storm.
"I begun tryin' faith-cures on mesilf, makin' believe I was just a bone, though the idges of thim parts of arr-more was dintin' into me all over ferocious, whin all to wanct me knee wabbled, makin' a noise like droppin' a skillet, and me stummick with the fright of it comminced feelin' like it was air and bein' stirred.
"Ye could fair hear the breath come out of him, and his eyes come with it like ye was pullin' corks. Me quick wit saved me, and I stuck out wan arm straight at him, pointin', and 'Hoo!' says I, 'Hoo!'
"It scairt him so bad it made me scairt mesilf. They wasn't no more left of him than whin ye drop a wet shirt on the floor.
"'This is a warnin' to ye,' I says. 'It's wan of your ancistors I'm afther bein'. Ye're to go back to England without waitin' to pack,' says I.
"He begun comin' to, cautious-like, and the fingers of him comminced movin' round amongst thimsilves like he was still livin'.
"'Your voice betrays ye, me good man, it betrays ye,' says he, still shaky. 'Now what is it ye really want? I think none of me ancisters was Irish,' he says.
"'God save Ireland!' says I. 'But I'll tell ye the truth,' I says, startin' in on a lie so big it made me believe all other wans mesilf. 'I'm a detective,' I says, proud-like. 'There's a dangerous man in this house the night, and I'm here be request of wan of the family, and now the house is borderin' on bein' saved if ye'll just be hilpin' me off with all this arr-more so I can be more discommodious in movin' round. Ye might be beginnin' on this manhole I have me head into,' I says.
"'H'm!' says he, lookin' a bit like a man with brains would. 'So ye come for wan of the fam'ly, ye says? And was it Mr. Pettenby's nephew employed ye?'
"'Oh, no, it wasn't him,' I says, positive, pickin' at a buckle with wan of me fingers what might as well have been feet.
"'It wasn't Mr. Pettenby, thin?' says he.
"'Well,' says I, 'it's after bein' a delicate matter for discussin' and me niver introduced to ye. But ye're a good guesser, though ye don't look it, and ye ain't right, and it wasn't Mr. Pettenby at all,' I says, not likin' him much.
"It niver fazed him. 'Is it murder?' says he, like he was askin' a ball score.
"'Divil a bit,' says I. 'Only wan of thim git-rich-quick schemes be a man who's found he could use the money.'
"He quit talkin' for a minute, after shuttin' the door quiet-like, and wint on lookin' wise like they was something stewin' in his mind.
"'I hope Mr. Pettenby's nephew ain't in no trouble,' he says.
"'That's nice of ye, sor,' says I, polite.
"'But Mr. Pettenby' nephew does need money,' says he. thinkin' to himsilf.
"Ye can't pick a man out of a crowd be that,' I says. And right thin it come to me I'd seen me Sassenach frind afore, but I couldn't quite be placin' him.
"'Mr. Pettenby don't like his nephew much.' says he, ruminatin' some more.
"'He don't?' says I.
"'Mr. Pettenby wouldn't standin' by his nephew in this,' he says, lookin' thoughtful at the outside of me arr-more.
"'He wouldn't?' says I.
"'I hope it ain't his nephew,' he says.
"'Whose nephew?' says I.
"'Mr. Pettenby's,' says he.
"'Oh,' says I.
"'Look here, me man,' says he, 'ye can't throw me off like that, ye know! Is it Mr. Pettenby's nephew?'
"'Is what his nephew?' says I, innocint.
"The man ye're after,' he says, solemn.
"'And who was it ye asked if it was? Or was it you that asked me and who was it ye asked?' I inquires of him, fumblin' unsuccessful with wan of me straps.
"'His nephew—Mr. Pettenby's nephew, man! Adolphus Bronson. Are ye a fool?' says he, irritated.
"'They's a lot of things atween me and a fool,' says I. 'but I'm wishin' ye'd take some of thim off—this piece under me arm is hurtin' me cruel, and me legs feel like sawdust with pains in it.'
"'Answer me quistion' he says. 'Is it.Mr. Bronson ye're after?'
"I'm after bein' dead entirely if I don't git out of this can afore long. It's gittin' amazin' warm inside here. But would it interist ye to know it was him?' says I.
"'It would!' says he, the face of him not bein' good to look at,
"'Well,' I say, humorin' him, 'knowin' is wan thing and provin' is another. Maybe ye could be helpin' me do it,' I say, commincin' to think I was a detective. 'If ye'd just unbuckle——'
"'No,' says he, interruptin' me rude, and he comes up and whispers through the holes of me tea-kittle a nefarious plan what made me forgit me arr-more a minute, or maybe more. I dunno.
"The purpose of it was to make the nephew, Adolphus, look so black to the young girl that he'd show up as plain in a acre of soot as a honest man in politics, leavin' the road clear for Muttons himsilf. At elivin-thirty, whin the guests was gone, me English frind was to bring the girl and the nephew up to the libr'y room, first warnin' her just aforehand not to be scared, me stayin' meantime in me boiler and livin' if I could, so as to be a ornymint whin they come in. Thin I was to scare the young man like I had Muttons, and afore he could come to I was to grab him, sayin' I was a detective after him for wan of thim git-rich-quick-Wall-Street-mail-order schemes I'd led Muttons into believin' the nephew was runnin', not carin' what I said. I'd told Muttons the proofs was weak—they was—and the only chanct was to make the nephew confiss, so the Englishman gint figured a lime-light rise from the dead be a pile of scrap-iron would be a ixcellint and splendiferous manner of eggin' him into doin' of it. If nothin' ilse, it would be makin' him look like he was guilty be scarin' him into a blitherin' idiot afore the girl, whilst Muttons, bein' on, would show up fine like he was wan of thim heroes, and maybe pile it on a bit be tryin' to save the young man.
"It would 'a' been a fool plan if I'd been a real detective, but it was as good as a good wan for me, bein' what I was, and where I was, and whin I was, and not wishful of meetin' anny more of the fam'ly or of balkin' me segregious English friend.
"And annyway he begun pullin' out his purse. As I was intindin' to be gone and on me way long afore elivin-thirty, they wasn't anny use in pickin' faults with what he was goin' to pay me for not doin'.
"'Here's a tin pound—here's fifty dollars for ye, if ye do as I tell ye,' he says; 'and ye'll prove your man and git him besides, says he, lookin' sweet and innocint like the divil whin he's gittin' a whole county to wanct.
"Havin' no choice and choosin' it annyway, and not havin' anny intintion of doin' what he said, I says yis. 'And ye can just be pokin' the money in to me through wan of these slits in me tea-ktttle, me pockets not bein' handy,' I says, fallin' back on the truth ag'in. He says the front of it was a visor and ought to lift up, but it was stuck. I'd been thinkin' of bills, but bein' English he was carryin' it in gold, and into me face came two tin-dollar pieces like I was a toy bank, and wint down and stuck ag'inst me neck most unpleasint. The rit of it, more's the pity, he was to keep till he'd become wan of thim heroes, and I give it up right there. And away he wint to be down-stairs afore the guests come.
"Well, the minute he was clean gone, shuttin' the door after him, I set down on me box and wint to work takin' off me arr-more, it havin' become like twinty thousand divils burrowin' into me. I begun on me kittle and prisintly located wan strap under me chin. It was like pickin' up the insides of a thermometer with a coal-scuttle on ivry finger! I spint tin minutes on it and be that time I couldn't even be findin' it annymore, and thim two gold pieces had dug into me neck a foot. I seen the trouble at wanct and begun on wan of me iron gloves. Thim iron gloves ain't no toy balloons, and in tin minutes more I was restin' me poor hands on me knees and feelin' like the potaty on a hotel desk for stickin' the pens into.
"I don't want to think of it anny more, but be the big clock ag'in the wall I spent wan hour fightin' with them buckles—and niver wan of thim the worse for it. The last half of it I was no more than a lunytic, scramblin' with mesilf like I was covered with rats. And warm, is it? Wan of thim thermometers would 'a' blowed its roof off in there, and 'twas only the bastin' saved me from bein' burnt to a crisp. Wanct I raymimber chasin' the front of me tea-kittle up and down the room, clawin' at it, and wanct I found I was fannin' the outside of me arr-more with a newspaper and stampin' me feet like they was cold. It's a blessed thing the rugs was soft and thim floors thick.
"Be this time the sweat was runnin' all over me promiscuous and tormentin' the insides of me was like a dried apple for needin' water, and niver an inch on me body but would 'a' found rest and comfort in bein' run over be a autymobile.
"Bein' disp'rit, howiver, I wint at it all over ag'in with thim big iron pipes on each of me fingers and the whole of that ballygasted arr-more workin' in till it was a inch under the skin of me and me gittin' hotter iv'rv minute. Thim kings Slippv mintioned must 'a' had a wonderful excitin' time. Right in the middle of me football game I raymimbered Slippy had run off with me coat and trousies! I'd been feelin' like all the clothes in the world was on me, and the thought of thim trousies took from me what life they was left. I'd always done me burglin' with clothes on, and while havin' wan pair of trousies I could 'a' stole another pair of trousies, havin' no trousies whativer I give up hope.
"'Inside or outside, me name's Dinnis,' I says to mesilf, the words roarin' in me kittle till they bruised me ears. 'If I run out I'll be run in, and if I don't run out I'll be run out and run in both, and as to me arr-more, if I go outside I'll still be inside and if I stay inside I'll be there annyways. Insides is outsides, outsides is insides.' and I wint on, ramblin', till I wint off me nut or ilse I wint to sleep. Whin I come to, it was after tin and they wasn't annything left for me but that fool plan of Muttons and me havin' forgot me part in it entirely.
"I was settin' on the idge of me box with me elbows on me knees, disconsolate, whin the door come open sudden and there was a young man standin' regardin' me calm-like! Mind ye, I as tired beyond what anny man had been afore, but me brains was still with me and I begun usin' thim immediate. I stretches out wan arm, pointin' me finger at him, and says 'Hoo! like I done the other time.
"'I give it up,' says he, pleasant. 'Who are ye?'
"'I'm wan of your ancistors,' I says, in a deep voice what give me the earache. 'And who may you be?'
"'oh, I'm wan of your descindants,' says he. 'Me name is Bronson, and it please ye, fair sir.'
"'Oh,' says I, tryin' to dodge a bit of hardware what was tunnelin' into me liver, 'Adolphus?'
"'I suppose ye may as well call me that, seein' as ye are wan of the fam'ly,' says he. 'And what may I be doin' for ye?'
"'I'm a warnin' to ye,' says I.
"'Ye sure are,' says he, 'but while ye're bein' it ye might as well tell me some of your interestin' history,' he says, sittin' down in wan of thim easy chairs and crossin' his legs. 'You must be the gent what fit at Adgincourt.'
"'Twinty-four rounds,' says I, 'and eight at Long Island City.'
"He grinned some, but wint right on askin' questions, sociable-like. 'And what are ye doin',' says he, 'in your prisint 'carnation?'
"'What? Oh,' I says, seein' he meant me arr-more, 'I'm a detective. It all come of me noticin' the mud on the shoes of a man I'd been watchin',' I says, seein' no reason to give him the old lie. 'They ain't anny place but the Drive turns out mud like that, and it was easy to see from the way it was on thim shoes that he'd been sneakin' around on the tiptoes of him. I set wan of me men on him, not ginerally botherin' with the details of a case mesilf, and found this was the house he was goin' to rob, so I wint straight to your uncle, Mr. Pettenby, and here I am,' I says, 'waitin' to nab me man.'
"'Ye'd do better,' says he, judicial, 'to stick to thim twenty-four rounds at Adgincourt, sirrah. Me uncle employ a detective? He wouldn't be knowin' wan from a divinity student. Guess ag'in,' he says.
"'Well,' I says, wigglin' wan leg so as to rest the sore places, 'if ye must be havin' the truth, it wasn't your uncle at all.'
"'No' says he.
"'No,' says I, 'it was Miss Howard. Ye see, she had been after befrindin' Mrs. O'Connor what used to live——'
"'Ye can be leavin' Miss Howard out of this,' says he, interruptin'.
"'Well, thin,' I says, forgittin' to try the aunt, 'I will admit I've been lyin' to ye.'
"'Tell it to me little by little,' he says. 'Me system can't stand anny big surprises.'
"'Ouch!' says I, a piece of me arr-more cuttin' a slice out of me. He got up easy-like and wint out in the hall, comin' back prisintly and shuttin' the door after him. Be all the saints, me trousies was hangin' on his arm!
"'Is these yours?' says be, settin' down ag'in.
"'They is,' says I, trying a bit of truth on him. 'I take thim with me whin I'm doin' a bit of detective work,' I says.
"'Um,' he says, grinnin' a little. 'Well,' says he, 'I'm ready for some more now.'
"'Ye're gladly welcome.' say I, jumpin' at the chanct, 'but ye'll have to help me git thim off.'
"He looked at me sudden-like. 'Oh,' says he, 'ain't they comfortable?'
"'Me blood ain't circulated for twinty minutes,' I says.
"'Ye need a drink,' says he, gittin' up.
"'Praise be!' says I. 'Niver worse!' Thin me heart sank. 'But I can't be gittin' me kittle off. He said they was a visor to it but it was stuck!' I says, me stummick callin' 'Hilp! hilp!' despairful.
"'Who is he?' he says, stoppin' short.
"'Muttons,' says I, fornttin' ivrything excipt the drink the insides of me was needin'. 'The English gint with wan eye-glass, and he may thank God it ain't a lookin'-glass,' I says.
"'Oh,' says he, meditative, 'Lord Axton. Um.'
"'If ye was to ye loosenin' some of the straps of it, now,' I says.
"He wint over to a bit of a cupboard, returnin' with a bottle and a siphon of seltzer what brung tears to me eyes, and begun pourin' out a drink and thinkin' to himself.
"'I'll not be removin' anny of your shell just yit,' says he—and me heart laid down and rolled over—'for I am desirous of talkin' with ye a little more and ascertainin' how ye come here from Adgincourt and what your intintions may be after bein', but I might be givin' ye a drink in the meantime.' he says—an' me heart rolled over ag'in and got up on its feet—'be means of raisin' your beaver, which is the bit of iron over your month,' he says, 'as ye doubtless know, havin' lived in it a matter of some five hundred years. Will ye play fair?' says he.
"'Sure!' says I, joyful, and he come over to me unhesitating me likin' him for it, and begun workin' with me beaver. Be all the saints, it was stuck the same as me visor!
"'Niver mind,' says he, goin' back to the table, 'I'll be fixin' that,' he says, 'while I'm axin' a few questions.'
"Me eyes niver lift him.
"'Now, Sir Bernard de Bovay Dartwah,' says he, ye won't mind me callin' ye Bernie for short and to save time,' he says, 'and seein' a I'm wan of the fam'ly. The dinner is over, and me uncle may come up here anny minute, if he don't forgit about it and set down somewhere to think about somethin'. So we'd best be quick, Bernie. For the matter of that, not livin' here in the house, I must soon be leavin' mesilf—let us hope,' he says, 'not afore I can give ye a drink.'
"'Sure!' says I, rollin' me eyes over at the clock and seein' it was tin minutes to eliven.
"'What I want to know,' says he, takin' a bit of paper from a drawer, 'is ivrything. What ye've been tellin' me,' he says, 'is ivrything ilse.'
"I seen he was no fool. 'Well,' says I, wishin' me throat would perspire instid of the rest of me, 'I can't be tellin' me name, but I'll be sayin' this much,' I says, 'I'm Irish.'
"'I'll make a note of it,' he says. 'Thin ye're not carin' for the drink? Now look here,' says he, rollin' the paper into a funnel and holdin' it with his fingers, 'no detective leaves his trousies at wan ind of the hall and his coat at the other—though neither does manny people, for the matter of that—and seein' ye said the trousies was yours I want to know if they belongs to a accomplice and just what your game is. I'm guessin' ye don't like Lord Axton, and if ye play fair with me they'll be nothin' said about how ye come here. I'm trustin' you,' he says, 'for the truth, and you can be trustin' me for a square deal. Ye git the drink in anny case,' says he, 'for ye need it.'
"I know a man whin I see wan, and I'd been likin' this wan from the first. If annywan could hilp me out of that mess, here he was.
"'Ye git the naked truth,' I says, 'and as proof of it I come here to rob the house!' I says.
"'Here's your drink, Bernie,' says he, comin' to me with it in wan hand and the paper funnel in the other. He stuck the funnel into wan of the slits over me mouth and 'Is it in?' he says. 'Yis,' says I, muffled, and in come the drink, and I clean forgot me boiler-fact'ry.
"'Now,' says he, 'first, where is your accomplice?'
"'He lift me here in this,' I says, 'and flew the coop, the scut! He's wantin' me girl, bad scran to him!'
"'Well, thin,' says he, goin' over to lock the door, 'go on with the whole of it, and in especial how Lord Axton is mixed up in it. I'll be takin' some of that junk off of ye while ye're talkin'.'
"'Begin quick,' says I, and begun recitin' him all of it from the commincement. Whin me kittle come off me head—he said it was a cask, but it fit me more like a quart-cup—life begun beginnin' over for me. I got both thim gold-pieces out from under me tonsils and begun likin' him. The only thing I didn't tell him was Slippy's name, for whin the time come I seen I couldn't do a dirty trick like that even to the likes of him. I thought he would choke with laughin' over most of it, but right after I says how Muttons was plannin' to play him low he quit takin' off me arr-more and comminced thinkin', me keepin' quiet and tryin' to raymimber where it was I'd seen Muttons afore.
"'He's goin' to bring her here at eliven-thirty?' says he, sudden.
"'Yis,' says I, 'and it's eliven now.'
"He begun puttin' me arr-more back on me, me protestin' fierce.
"'Niver mind, old man,' says he, callin' me that, 'it's goin' to be worth your while.' And thin he unfolded the most gorgeous and all-consumin' plan I iver seen, beatin' Muttons at his own game and arrangin' more trouble for him than would come to a handful of snow wan step beyant purgatory. They was big money in it for me, and no quistions axed. As soon as I'd hilped Muttons scare Mr. Adolphus and show him up afore the girl, thin—well, thin Mr. Adolphus's plan come in and I was to ixplain just what kind of a blackguard game Muttons had been workin'. 'And ye're sure,' asks Mr. Adolphus, fastenin' a stove-lid on me shoulder, 'he said he'd ixplain just enough to Miss Howard on the way up to keep her from bein' terrified?' 'Yis,' I says. 'Leave it a bit looser. Me heart can't beat for me ribs pressin' ag'inst it.' But be the time he put me kittle on me head ag'in I was so interisted I niver minded goin' back into me subcellar anny more than bein' broke up in a stone-crusher.
"'There ye are,' says he, 'clad all capital P wanct more, and I'll just be slippin' the first fifty into these trousies of yours along with thim gold-pieces and put thim in a spare room till it's over. Or would ye rather have thim with ye?'
"'Not me,' I says, still feelin' the dints in me neck and climbin' back on me box, frisky as a pianner. 'I might be gittin' me pocket picked, though I'd likely hear the dinnamite whin they broke in. But ye'd best be hurryin', sor.'
"'Right!' says he. 'Be as comfortable as ye can,' he says.
"'I can't,' says I, and he wint out the door grinnin'.
"All the time he was gone I kept feelin' surer than iver I'd knowed Muttons somewheres ilse. I was almost puttin' my fingers on it whin I heard thim comin'. In they walked, Mr. Adolphus pretindin' like he didn't know what was comin', Muttons tryin' to act like he had to but it hurt him, and the girl all sort of drawed up like and niver openin' her mouth. Oh, it was the fine wan she was, with the eyes of her like a bit of blue sky in Ireland and her hair—but I ain't no novel.
"Well, I stretched out me arm and says 'Hoo' at Mr. Adolphus and of course it niver bothered him anny, which sort of took the wind out of Muttons' sails in the beginnin'. But Muttons comminced his little act, really believin' Mr. Adolphus was guilty, and told how I was a detective after Mr. Adolphus, me up on me box backin' up ivrything he said. Thin he wint on about how he'd got me to consint to let Mr. Adolphus off if he'd confiss and promise to do no more of it. Somewan would have to go bond for payin' the money back, and Muttons not livin' in this country and Mr. Pettenby bein' sore on his nephew annyways, they was nothin' to do but call on Miss Howard, sorry as Muttons was to do it.
"He was a good liar, considerin' what unpromisin' material he was workin' with and that he thought he was tellin' the truth part of the time, but it was easy to see the girl wasn't makin' up her mind all to wanct. Mr. Adolphus was standin' there, lookin' grim but in no ways like he was in a tight place, and it was her he was watchin', not me nor Muttons.
"'Is anny of it true, Dolph?' she says, quiet-like.
"Just thin they was a screech from down-stairs that made me hair rise, and thin a lot more cone up the stairs a mile a minute, and afore anny wan could git to the door in run a fat old lady, what I knew immediate was the old gintleman's sister, still screechin' terrific.
"'I run right into him, I did!' she says, shakin' like a dish of jelly. 'I run right into him! I was goin' down the hall—to ask—Maggie about—thim towels what ain't come from the laundry yit, and he come out of the blue-room door—and I run right into him! He give me a shove and away he wint! Here's Maggie now,' she says, 'and where is thim towels? Why,' says she, 'I run right into him,' she says, 'and I'll niver have annything washed outside the house ag'in as long as I live!'
"Whin I heard thim words me heart stopped beatin', thinkin' was it Slippy. Mr. Adolphus he was out scourin' the house already.
"'Was he a little bit of a man in a gray suit?' I yells at her, forgittin' I was still in me arr-more.
"She took her first look at me, give wan more screech, and the whole of her fainted in her tracks. The maid didn't screech none, for she'd wint out the door afore she'd come in, like she'd seen the divil himsilf. I ain't blamin' thim none—I'd 'a' screeched and fainted mesilf if I'd met mesilf from the outside unbeknownst.
"Muttons was walkin' up and down uneasy-like, and old Mr. Pettenby himsilf had come in—a little old man with specs on and the back of him crooked like a spoon, but rosy cheeks and wan of thim pleasant looks what makes ye ixpict him to chirp ivry minute. But he was too flustrated to do it. Him and the girl was workin' over the old lady, she layin' on the floor like a cup-custard. Mesilf was trampin' around like a steam-roller walkin' in its sleep and wonderin' had Slippy got the swag, the scut, an' lift me in the lurch. Ivry now and thin wan of the servants would come flutterin' to the door, fetch wan look at me promenadin' in me arr-more and faint out in the hall or take to the woods, screechin' amazin'. It was a uneasy time even for the best of us.
"Pretty soon the old lady come to and they told her I was harmless but unusual and she was for tellin' her story all over ag'in, but I wint up to her and says, polite: 'Ixcuse me, ma'am,' I says, 'but was he a thin little man in a gray stat?'
"'Yis he was!' says she, fierce. 'And they wasn't no necktie on him, either,' says she.
'"Thin it was him,' I says, regretful, and cursin' him.
"'I'm sure of it!' says she, positive. 'I run right into him and he'd 'a' killed me if he hadn't caught his arm in a pair of trousies he was carryin',' says she.
"'What?' I yells, me heart goin' into the hands of a receiver. Mr. Adolphus come in at that minute. 'Was thim trousies he stole mine?' I says to him, me voice perishin' in me throat.
"'I'm sorry to say they was,' says he, 'and they're not the only——'
"'Holy Mother,' I says, 'and all that money in thim! Oh, wirra, wirra, and me wearin' cook-stoves and water-pipe' all evenin' for this!'
"'There, there,' says he, whisperin', 'I'll make that good to ye, and thin some. It's something ilse I have on me hands this minute.' says he, turnin' to Muttons and the girl.
"Right thin it come over me who Muttons was!
"'A word in yer ear, Lord Axton,' says I, goin' toward him, and all of thim turned their eyes on me.
"They wasn't annything Muttons was wantin' so much as advice and he let me drag me iron-foundry up close to him. The next thing he knowed thim four-ton arms of mine was grippin' him, pinnin' his arms to him, and him splutterin' ferocious!
"'Roll up his right sleeve, Mr. Adulphus!' I says. 'I've been tryin' to place him all avenin',' I says. 'It's Finny Myers, and he niver seen England! Roll up his right sleeve and ye'll find a big scar on the forearm of him like a diamond, and they's a anchor tatooed at the ind of it! He come by it fightin' with a sailor-man in Devinsky's place four years gone!' says I, raymimberin' it all plain, wanct I was started.
"'Ye're crazy!' splutters Muttons, and 'it cant be!' says Mr. Adolphus, catchin' his breath. 'We know all about him.'
'Roll up his sieeve!' says I, not arguin' anny.
"Mr. Adolphus come up and done it, layin' bare Muttons' forearm, and so hilp me God they wasn't a mark on it!
"Ye could 'a' heard a pin drop, and with no wan sayin' a word and all lookin' at me like I was a lunytic I could feel me face gittin' red till it was light inside me arr-more. Divil a English lord I'd iver hugged afore, and the sinsation was new to me and disconcertin'. 'Well,' says I, me breath comin' back in me, 'me apologies to Finny Myers, annyways. Finny ain't annything but a thief, and Mr. Adolphus will explain to ye what this gintleman's after bein', miss,' I says to the young lady. And thin I told her enough of it in two words mesilf, though wan look at Muttons would have been convincin' the whole of Missouri. It done the work.
"'The polaycemen's downstairs!' says wan of the servants, stickin' his head in the door, timorous.
"And they sure was! Thim servants had been ringin' all the bells in the house and tilephonin' for ivrything that could move, even includin' missinger boys. They was gongs ringin' in the street and whin we looked out they was a ambulance, two hurry-wagons, four polaycemen—besides thim we couldn't see surroundin' us—three kinds of missinger boys, the fire department, and gintlemen from the water-works and gas-plant.
"'Quick!' says Mr. Adolphus. 'Into this other room!' And wanct inside, he wint at me straps with a pocket-knife and whin me head come out of that murderin' kittle I felt like the insides of a egg whin ye crack the shell. They come a knock at the door, and it was the girl, askin' could she be hilpin' anny.
"'God bliss ye, dear,' says Mr. Adolphus, 'and please git me the longest overcoat they is!' Addin' to me: 'They ain't no time for shoes and the rist of it!'
"And the ind of it was me goin' bold but trimblin' down the front stairs between the two of thim, a a frind of the fam'ly, in me sock-feet and wearin' thim iron trousies under somewan's overcoat, and collectin' a silk hat and a pair of rubbers in the hall as we wint through.
"'Here's somethin' belongin' to ye, and ye can be comin' back to-morrow to ixchange thim trousies for your own.' Mr. Adolphus whispers into wan ear as we come to the front door, handin' me a roll of bills. 'Take this,' whispers the young lady into me other ear, 'and ye're a real night-errand!' And she smiled sweet at a polayceman, steppin' in front of him so he couldn't be gittin' a good look at me.
"I wint safe through the assimbled multitude, walkin' stately to keep me rubbers on, but me expayriences gittin' the rist of the way home wasn't inded till six in the marnin', bad cess to thim iron pants. I spint the nixt day in bed and if iver I lay me two eyes on Slippy Johnson the saints will be busy hilpin' him and he owes me sivinty dollars! And wasn't it mortifyin' the young lady took me for a missinger boy after all I done for her? It's ixcited she must 'a' been."
This work is in the public domain in the United States because it was published before January 1, 1930.
The longest-living author of this work died in 1966, so this work is in the public domain in countries and areas where the copyright term is the author's life plus 58 years or less. This work may be in the public domain in countries and areas with longer native copyright terms that apply the rule of the shorter term to foreign works.
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