# Toad of Toad Hall/Act 1

Layout 2
TOAD OF TOAD HALL
ACT I
DOWN BY THE WILLOWS
Marigold Hallo, is that the Exchange? I want River Bank 1001. . . . Hallo, is that the Water Rat's house? . . . Oh, I beg your pardon. They've given me the wrong number. . . . Oh, Exchange, you've given me the wrong number. I wanted Mr. Rat's house and you've given me Mr. Badger's. (To herself) Sorry you've been tr-r-roubled. . . . Hallo, is that the Water Rat's house? Is that Mr. Rat speaking? Good morning, Mr. Rat, this is Marigold speaking. . . . Yes, isn't it a delightful day? . . . Yes. Well, almost alone. Nurse is here, but she's asleep. How's Mr. Mole? . . . Oh, haven't you seen him? I expect he's very busy spring cleaning. You see, when your house is all basement, there's such a lot of spring cleaning to be done. . . . Yes, I prefer a riverside ​residence too. . . . May I really come one day? How lovely. . . . No, not tomorrow, I'm having tea with Mr. Toad. . . . Yes, conceited, but so nice. . . . I saw Mr. Otter just now, just before I rang you up. . . . No, I don't know him very well, but I think he's sweet. . . . Will you really? And if Mr. Mole—
NURSE (who was not asleep) Well, I declare, Miss Marigold, you do think of funny things.
MARIGOLD (hurriedly) Oh, Nurse is awake. Good-bye. (She puts down the telephone and says sternly) Have you been overhearing, Nurse?
NURSE (nodding) And wondering at you, dearie. Who ever heard the like?
MARIGOLD It's very bad manners to overhear a perfectly private tele­phone conversation.
NURSE Couldn't help it, dearie, you're that funny—with your Mr. Rat and Mr. Toad and all, just as if they were yooman beings.
MARIGOLD Well, but so they are.
NURSE (surprised at this) Yooman beings?
NURSE (after a gallant effort) No, it's no good, dearie, I can't follow it.
MARIGOLD I mean, they must seem quite big and grown up and human to each other, and if we lived in their world, then they would seem big and grown up to us, just like real people.
NURSE Now, fancy that!
MARIGOLD Mr. Toad, he's all puffed out and conceited, but very nice, you know, and very sorry afterwards for talking so much about himself. And Mr. Rat's a dear; that's him I was talk­ing to just now. He's very quick and clever and helpful, and his little sharp eyes are always looking out so as to see that he doesn't hurt people's feelings. And Mr. Mole, I'm not sure about him. You see, he lives underground a good deal and doesn't go out into society much, so I should think he'd be rather simple and not liking to talk about himself, and just saying "Yes" and "No," and waiting to be asked before he has a second cup. And then Mr. Badger. Of course he's gray and much older than the others, and very fatherly, and sleeps a good deal with a handkerchief over his face, and says "Now, now, now," and "Well, well, well" when he's woken up. And Mr. Otter—
have seen them at it, the way you talk.
MARIGOLD I have.
NURSE Never!
MARIGOLD Yes. One morning. I came out here early, oh, ever so early. Nobody was up; you weren't up, and the birds weren't up and even the sun wasn't up. And everything was so still that there was no sound in all the world, except just the wind in the willows, whispering ever so gently.
NURSE (professionally) What your poor mother would have said. (Eagerly) Well, and what happened?
MARIGOLD I don't know. I sat there and waited for everything to wake up, and then by and by I heard something, music, very thin and clear and far off. And then, well then there was the sun, and it was daylight, and it seemed as if I had just woken up myself. But it was all different. Something had happened. I didn't know what, but I seemed to understand more than I did before—to have been with them.
NURSE Mr. Toad and Mr. Mole and all them?
NURSE I should be that frightened, if they were all big.
MARIGOLD Oh no, you wouldn't, because they wouldn't know we were here. We should just listen to them without their knowing anything about it. (She calls out) Mr. Mole! Mr. Rat! Mr. Toad! Oh, Nurse, wouldn't it be lovely?
NURSE Oo, I can hear something! Listen!
MARIGOLD That's the music again. Quick! Hide!
(It is dark suddenly, and we hear music, very thin and clear and far off: "the horns of Elfland faintly blowing." Gradually it grows light again. There is no NURSE, no MARIGOLD now. But near where MARIGOLD was lying there is a curious upheaval going on. The earth moves and humps up and falls back again. Somebody is at work underneath. We hear breathings and ​mutterings. In a little while we can distinguish words. It is our old friend MOLE.)
MOLE (as he comes laboriously into the daylight) Scrape and scratch and scrabble and scrooge, scrooge and scrabble and scrape and scratch. Up we go, up we go. . . . Pop! (He stands up and brushes himself.) Ah! (He takes a deep breath of daylight.) This is fine. This is better than whitewash. Hang spring cleaning! (He walks about, mak­ing ecstatic noises to himself.) Oh, what a day. Oh my, oh my, oh my. Blow spring cleaning! (He rubs his eyes with his paw.) Is that a river? Oh my, oh my. Bother spring cleaning!
RAT Hallo, Mole.
MOLE Hallo, Rat.
RAT Don't seem to have seen you about before.
MOLE (shyly) I—I don't go out much, as a rule.
MOLE Yes, you see, I— This is a river, isn't it?
RAT The River.
MOLE (simply) I've never seen a river before.
RAT (staggered) Never seen a— You never— Well, I— What have you been doing then?
MOLE Is it as nice as that?
RAT Nice? My dear young friend, believe me, it's the only thing. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, half so much worth doing as simply messing about by a river. (Dreamily) Sim­ply messing, messing about by a river, or in a river or on a river. It doesn't matter which.
MOLE But what do you do?
RAT Nothing. Just mess about. That's the charm of it. You're ​always busy, and yet you never do anything in particular; and when you've done it, there's always something else to do, and you can do it if you like, but you'd much better not. . . . And so you've never even seen a river before? Well, well.
MOLE Never. And you actually live by it. What a jolly life it sounds.
RAT By it and with it and on it and in it. It's brother and sister to me, and aunts and company, and food and drink and naturally, washing. It's my world and I don't want any other.
MOLE Isn't it a bit dull at times? Just you and the river and no one else to pass a word with?
RAT No one else to—no one— Oh well, I mustn't be hard on you. You're new to it. But believe me, my dear young friend, the River Bank is so crowded nowadays that many people are moving away altogether: otters, kingfishers, dabchicks, moorhens. No one else to—oh, my dear young friend.
MOLE (timidly) I am afraid you must think me very ignorant.
MOLE (hesitatingly) I—I was spring cleaning.
RAT On a day like this?
MOLE That's just it. Sometimes I seem to hear a voice within me say "Whitewash," and then another voice says "Hang whitewash!" (Slowly) And I don't know quite which of the—I don't quite know—I don't qui— Oh, hang whitewash!
RAT (patting him encouragingly) That's the spirit. Well, what I was about to suggest was a trifle of lunch on the bank here, and then I'd take you round and introduce you to a few of my friends. Does that appeal to you at all?
MOLE (ecstatically) Does it appeal to me? Does it? Oh my, oh my, oh my.
RAT (soothingly) There, there. You don't want to get too excited. It's only just a trifle of lunch: cold tongue, cold ham, cold chicken, salad, french rolls, cress sandwiches, hard-boiled eggs, bloater paste, tinned peaches, meringues, ginger beer, lemonade, milk chocolate, oranges. Nothing special, only just—
RAT That's all right. You'll feel better soon. Now just you wait here, don't go falling into the river or anything like that, and I'll be back in two minutes with the luncheon basket.
MOLE (wiping away the tears) Oh, Mr. Rat, my generous friend, I—I—words fail me for the moment—I— (He holds out his hand.) Your kindness—that expression, if I caught it correctly, "luncheon basket"—a comparative stranger like myself—did I hear you say "bloater paste?" You—I— (He opens his eyes and finds that RAT has gone.) Oh! (He walks over to a bank of dead leaves and sits down on it.) Oh, what a day!
BADGER (gruffly) Now the very next time this happens I shall be exceedingly angry. I have had to speak about it before and I don't want to speak about it again. But I will not have people sitting down on me just as if I were part of the landscape. Now who is it this time? Speak up.
BADGER Well, if it's only you, that makes a difference. I don't want to be hard on you. But I put it to you that when an animal is being particularly busy underneath a few leaves, thinking very deeply about things, giving himself up to very serious reflection, he does not want to be disturbed. And it is dis­turbing, my little fellow, to have somebody sitting down carelessly on your person, and stretching his legs in an in­dependent sort of way, and—
RAT (emerging with the lunch) Here, Mole, give us a hand with this basket. Hallo! Why, it's Mr. Badger.
BADGER Ah, Ratty, my dear little man, delighted to see you. I was just telling this little fellow—
RAT By the way, let me introduce you. My friend, Mr. Mole.
BADGER Don't mention it. Any friend of yours, Ratty—
MOLE (timidly) How do you do, Mr. Badger? I am very proud to meet you. I'm sure I'm extremely sorry—
RAT Just having a trifle of lunch. Stay and join us, won't you?
MOLE (shyly) Oh do, Mr. Badger. It's a picnic. (He helps RAT up with the basket.)
BADGER H'm. Picnics aren't much in my line. Got company coming?
RAT Only Mole and myself. Unless Toad happens along.
MOLE (in an ecstatic whisper) There's cold tongue, cold chicken, salad, french rolls, cress sandwiches, hard-boiled eggs—
BADGER Well, if you're sure there's no company. You know, Ratty, I never did like society. (He sits down heavily on the bas­ket, much to MOLE'S disappointment, who was hoping to get to work at once.)
RAT Can't say I see much in it myself.
MOLE Oh, I live a very quiet life, Mr. Badger. A field mouse or two drops in from time to time, perhaps half a dozen of them will come carol singing at Christmas, but beyond that I hardly see anybody.
BADGER That's right. Ratty, your little friend promises well.
RAT Yes, but you're sitting on the lunch, and we can't—
BADGER (taking no notice) He has the right ideas. (Solemnly) How different from one whom we could mention.
RAT Oh, Toad? Toady's all right.
BADGER (shaking his head sadly) Ah me.
MOLE I have heard of the great Mr. Toad. He's very rich, isn't he?
RAT Richest animal in these parts, and got one of the nicest houses, though we don't admit as much to Toady. Tudor ​residence: mullioned windows, bath, hot and cold, and every modern convenience, including carriage sweep. Entertains a lot. Always glad to see you night or day. A good fellow, Toady.
BADGER Ah me!
MOLE He must indeed be a very nice animal.
RAT So simple, so good-natured, so affectionate. Perhaps he's not very clever, we can't all be geniuses; and it may be that he is both boastful and conceited. But he has some great quali­ties has Toady.
MOLE It would be a privilege to make his acquaintance.
RAT Oh, you'll see him all right. He's sure to be along soon.
BADGER And when you see him, my little friend, take warning by him. Society has been his undoing.
RAT Well, I wouldn't say that. I—
BADGER If it were not for the desire to shine before his acquaintances, ​what a much more dependable animal Toad would be. I knew his father. I knew his grandfather. I knew his uncle, the Archdeacon. Ah me.
RAT Cheer up, old Badger. We'll take him in hand one day and make a better animal of him.
BADGER Indeed we must. It is a duty I owe to his father. And now that the year is really beginning, and the nights are shorter, and halfway through them one rouses and feels fidgety, and wanting to be up and doing by sunrise, if not before, you know—
RAT I know.
BADGER Well then, now we—you and me and our friend the Mole here, we'll take him in hand and make a better animal of him. That is, if we have any more of his nonsense.
RAT (nodding) That's right, Badger. But he's a good fellow, Toady. Doesn't mean any harm, you know. Just his way.
MOLE What is his way?
BADGER You tell him, Rat.
BADGER (not moving) I knew his father. I knew his uncle the—
RAT Whatever it is, he must have the best. And then in a week he's forgotten about it and started something else.
BADGER Society. That's what's undone him. The craving to shine. (Solemnly to MOLE) Very sad, my young friend, very sad. I knew his grandfather.
MOLE (helpfully) Dear, dear.
BADGER What his poor father would have said.
TOAD (off) Hallo!
RAT (cheerily) Hallo, Toady. (He waves a paw.) I thought he'd come along soon. You see, he likes company.
TOAD Hallo, you fellows. This is splendid. Hallo, old Badger. Dear old Ratty. (He shakes him warmly by the paw.) Hallo! (He seizes MOLE'S paw and works it up and down.) And dear old Badger. (He passes on to BADGER.) How are you?
BADGER So-so.
TOAD Splendid, splendid.
RAT My friend, Mr. Mole.
TOAD (going back enthusiastically to MOLE) How are you? (He shakes his paw vigorously.) Splendid, eh? That's good. And old Ratty. And Badger.
BADGER We were talking about you, my young friend.
TOAD (spreading himself with delight) Ah well, the penalty of fame. Eh, Ratty? One gets talked about. One is discussed. One is a topic of conversation. One is speculated about. There it is. One can't help it. Well, Ratty old man, and how are you?
TOAD No, no, you all come up to my house. Come up to Toad Hall. I'll give you lunch, the finest lunch you ever had.
MOLE (unable to imagine anything superior to RAT'S effort) But there's cold tongue, cold ham, cold chicken, salad, french rolls, cress sandwiches, hard-boiled—
TOAD Pooh! Wait till you've seen mine. Ratty knows. Eh, Ratty? They're quite famous, been referred to in books. "Another select little luncheon party at Toad Hall." That sort of thing.
MOLE (awed) Oh! (He looks anxiously at RAT, to whom, after all, he is engaged for lunch.)
RAT Now, now, Toad.
BADGER Well, I'll be moving. (He rises slowly.)
RAT (getting to the basket at last) Thanks, old chap.
MOLE (eagerly) I'm sure I shall.
BADGER (to MOLE) Good-bye, my young friend. We shall meet again. And be­fore very long, if I'm not mistaken. Good-bye, Ratty.
RAT Sure you won't stay to lunch?
TOAD But you are coming to lunch with me, old Badger.
BADGER (severely) Nobody is coming to lunch with you, Toad. Many a time I have lunched at Toad Hall with your father, an animal of few words, but of what an intellect! Ah me. How differ­ent from—but I will not go into that now. Hour after hour, when lunch was cleared away, we would sit there, meditat­ing. I knew your grandfather, worthy animal that he was. Many a time have I lunched with him at Toad Hall. Little did he think, as we sat there reflecting, that one day—but I shall refer to that later. Good-bye, my unhappy young friend. (He goes out heavily.)
MOLE (anxiously) Isn't Mr. Badger feeling very well?
RAT (going for it) The corkscrew.
TOAD (not moving) Now, let me fetch it. (To MOLE.) Tell you what, you must come and stay with me. Let me put you up at Toad Hall.
MOLE It's very kind of you, but—
TOAD That's all right. Plenty of room at Toad Hall. Open house for my friends. Always glad to see them. Now what have we got for lunch? (He assumes the position of host.) Try one of these sandwiches. (As RAT emerges with the cork­screw) Come along, Ratty, try one of these sandwiches. Got the corkscrew? Good. (To MOLE) Let me open you one of these bottles. Sit down, Ratty; make yourself com­fortable.
RAT (quietly to MOLE) Got everything you want?
MOLE Yes, thank you.
TOAD The river! Boating! Bah! Silly boyish amusement. I've given that up long ago. Sheer waste of time. No, I've discovered the real thing, the only genuine occupation. I propose to devote the remainder of my life to it. To think of the wasted years that lie behind me, squandered in trivialities.
RAT What's that? Help yourself, Mole.
TOAD Aha, what is it? Come to Toad Hall and you shall see.
MOLE Oh, do let's.
RAT All right, we'll drop in one afternoon.
TOAD Drop in? One afternoon? Nonsense! You're coming to stay. Always welcome, that's my motto. I've had it picked out in green on the front door mat. "Always welcome. A home from home." (To MOLE) You'd like to come, wouldn't you?
RAT Sorry, but Mole is staying with me.
RAT I don't want to see the world. And I am going to stick to my old river and live in a hole, just as I've always done. And I'm going to teach Mole all about the river, aren't I, Mole? And Mole is going to stick to me and do as I do, aren't you, Mole?
MOLE (loyally) Of course I am. I'll always stick to you, Rat. (Wistfully) All the same, it sounds as though it might have been—well, rather fun at Toad Hall.
TOAD Fun? Wait till you see what I've got. I've got the finest—well, wait till you see it. Pass the sandwiches, Mole, there's a good fellow. (To RAT) Seen any of the Wild Wooders lately?
RAT No.
MOLE Who are the Wild Wooders?
MOLE Aren't they, aren't they very nice people in there?
TOAD They daren't show their noses round Toad Hall, that they daren't. I'd soon send them packing.
RAT The squirrels are all right. And the rabbits, of course. And then there's Badger. Dear old Badger. Nobody interferes with him. They'd better not.
TOAD And nobody wouldn't interfere with me neither, if I lived there.
MOLE Why, who should?
RAT Well, of course there are others. Weasels and stoats and fer­rets, and so on. They're all right in a way. I'm very good friends with them.
TOAD So am I.
TOAD I wouldn't ask them to Toad Hall, not if they sat up and begged me to. I'm not afraid of them; I just don't like them. They've got no manners, no finesse, if you understand me. Some people are like that, of course. It isn't their fault. You either have finesse, or you haven't. That's how I look at it. Pass the meringues, Mole, there's a good fellow. (But MOLE is staring beyond TOAD at something strange which is ap­proaching, a gaily painted caravan drawn by an old gray horse.)
RAT What is it, Mole?
MOLE Whatever's that? (They all turn.)
ALFRED (the horse) Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you everywhere.
TOAD (excitedly) Now isn't this lucky? Just at the psycho—psycho—what's the word?
ALFRED (hopefully) Encyclopedia. That is, if you ask me.
ALFRED Introduce me to your friends, won't you? I do get so fright­fully left out of it.
TOAD My friends Mr. Rat and Mr. Mole. This is Alfred.
ALFRED Pleased to meet you. If you're coming my way, you must let me take you. Only I do like a little conversation. (To TOAD) Encyclopedia, that was the word you wanted.
RAT (sadly) So this is the latest?
TOAD (eagerly) Absolutely the very latest. There isn't a more beautiful one, a more compact one, a more—what's the word?
ALFRED Heavy.
TOAD A more up-to-date one, a more—
RAT So this is the latest craze! I understand. Boating is played out. He's tired of it, and done with it.
TOAD My dear old Ratty, you don't understand. Boating—well, a pleasant amusement for the young. I say nothing against it. But there's real life for you (He waves a paw at the van.) in that little cart. The open road, the dusty highway, the heath, the common, the hedgerows, the rolling downs!
ALFRED And the ups. However, nobody consults me. Nobody minds what I think.
TOAD (warming to it) Camps, villages, towns, cities! Here today, up and off to somewhere else tomorrow. Travel, change, interest, excite­ment. The whole world before you, and a horizon that's always changing.
MOLE (ecstatically) Oh my! Oh my!
TOAD And mind, this is the very finest cart of the sort that was ever built, without any exception. Come inside and look at the arrangements, Mole. Planned 'em all myself, I did.
MOLE (timidly to RAT) We could just look inside, couldn't we? It wouldn't—wouldn't mean anything.
RAT (reluctantly) Oh well, we may as well look at it now we are here. (Sadly) Oh, Toady!
TOAD (leading the way) All complete! You see: biscuits, potted lobster, sardines, everything you can possibly want. Soda water here, baccy there. (He shows them into the van and then his voice dies away.)
ALFRED (to anybody who is listening) That's right. Go inside and enjoy yourselves. Talk to each other, tell each other little stories, but don't ask me to join in the conversation. Encyclopedia, that was the word he wanted. I could have told him.
TOAD (emerging) Bacon, jam, cards, dominoes. You'll find that nothing what­ever has been forgotten.
ALFRED (with feeling) I've noticed it.
TOAD Well, what do you think of it, Mole?
MOLE It's lovely!
RAT (slowly) I beg your pardon. Did I overhear you say something about "starting"?
ALFRED Starting, that's what he said. I'm not even consulted.
TOAD Come on, we'll just put the rest of the lunch inside. Come on, Mole, give us a hand.
MOLE (torn between the two of them) Oh, Ratty!
TOAD Come on, Ratty, old fellow. This is the real life for a gentle­man. Talk about your old river! (He begins packing up the lunch.)
RAT I don't talk about my river. You know I don't, Toad. But I think it. I think about it all the time.
MOLE (squeezing RAT'S paw) I'll do whatever you like, Ratty. We won't go. I want to stay with you. And—learn about your river.
RAT No, no, we'd better see it out now. It wouldn't be safe for ​him to go off by himself. It won't take long. His crazes never do.
ALFRED When I was young it was considered bad manners to whisper and leave people out of conversations. (In a loud conver­sational voice) My own view, since asked, of the climatic conditions, is that the present anti-cyclonic disturbance in the—
TOAD Here, give us a hand, Mole. . . . That's right. . . . All aboard? Here, we're forgetting the corkscrew. Will you get it? (MOLE trots back for it.) Don't bother. I'll—oh, you've got it. Good. Now then, are we all ready?
ALFRED No.
TOAD You get up there, Mole. (MOLE sits on the shaft on one side of the caravan.) You on the other side, Ratty? Or would you rather— (RAT goes to the horse's head.) Oh, are you going to lead him? I will, if you like. Sure you don't mind? Right, then I'll get up here. Now then, right away!
ALFRED (to RAT) You mark my words. No good will come of this. But don't blame me. That's all. Don't blame me afterwards. Psycho​logical, that was the word he wanted. Not encyclopedia. I thought it seemed funny somehow. Psychological.
CHIEF FERRET Oh, may his bathroom cistern spring a leak!
CHIEF WEASEL On Sunday morning may his collar squeak!
CHIEF STOAT May all his laces tie themselves in knots.
CHIEF FERRET And may his fountain pen make frequent blots!
CHIEF STOAT And may his dancing pumps be much too tight!
THE FERRETS Every ill which Toad inherits Will be welcomed by the Ferrets.
ALL Down with Toad! Down with Toad!
THE WEASELS Day and night the elder Weasels Hope that he will have the measles.
ALL Down with Toad! Down with Toad!
THE STOATS How the happy little Stoats Laugh when he is off his oats!
ALL Down with Toad! Down with Toad! Toad! Toad! Down with Toad! Down with the popular, successful Toad!
MOLE (soothingly to ALFRED) There, there. There, there. (But ALFRED refuses to "there, there!" He careers round the stage, pursued by the con­ciliatory MOLE.) There, there. It's all right, Alfred. (Very reassuringly) It's all right.
RAT (turning and shaking his fist at something) You villains! You scoundrels, you highwaymen, you—you—
ALFRED (still gyrating) Road hogs. That's the word. Always come to me if you want the right word. Road hogs.
RAT You road hogs! I'll have the law of you. Rushing about the country at fifty miles an hour! I'll write to all the papers about you! I'll take you through all the courts! (Turning anxiously to TOAD) How are you feeling now, Toady? Mole, come and give us a hand with poor old Toad. I'm afraid he's pretty bad.
ALFRED I said that no good would come of it, and now you see. A cataclysm, that's what the whole thing's been.
RAT (anxiously) Speak to us, Toady, old man. How is it?
TOAD (staring in front of him with a rapt expression) Poop-poop! Poop-poop! Poop-poop!
MOLE What's he saying?
RAT I think he thinks he's the motor car.
TOAD Poop-poop!
MOLE (soothingly) It's all right, Mr. Toad. It's all right now.
RAT We'll make 'em sit up, Toad. We'll have the law of 'em. We'll get you another little cart. We'll make 'em pay for it.
TOAD Poop-poop! (Raptly he speaks.) Glorious, stirring sight! The poetry of motion. The real way to travel. The only way to travel. Here today, in the middle of next week tomorrow. Villages skipped, towns and cities jumped. Always some­body else's horizon. Oh bliss, oh rapture! Oh poop-poop!
RAT Oh, stop being an ass, Toad.
TOAD (dreamily) And to think that I never knew. All those wasted years that lie behind me, I never knew, never even dreamt. But now that I know, now that I fully realize—ah, now! Oh, what a flowery track lies spread before me henceforth. What savory dust clouds shall spring up behind me as I speed on my restless way, what luscious and entrancing smells. What carts I shall fling carelessly into the ditch in the wake of my magnificent onset. Horrid little carts, common carts, canary-colored carts!
RAT Now look here, Toad, pull yourself together. We'll go to the police station and see if they know anything about that motor car, and then we'll lodge a complaint against the owners, and we'll go to a wheelwright's and have the cart fetched and mended and put to rights, and we'll—
MOLE (hopelessly) What are we to do with him?
TOAD Oh, Ratty. Oh, my good friend Mr. Mole. You can't think how obliged I am to you for coming with me on this glorious trip. I wouldn't have gone without you, and then I might never have seen that—that swan, that star, that thunderbolt. I might never have heard that entrancing sound, nor smelt that bewitching smell. I owe it all to you, my dear, my very dear friends.
RAT (sadly) I see what it is. I recognize the symptoms. He is in the grip of a new craze.
TOAD (raptly) Poop-poop!
RAT (to MOLE) Well, come along. Let's get him home.
ALFRED (sadly) One of the most distressing cases which has come under our notice. Very sad. Very sad.
TOAD Poop-poop!