# On the Stage—and Off/Chapter 13

Chapter XIII.
Lodgings and Landladies.
They charged me extra for the basket on the Great Eastern Line, and I have hated that company ever since. Of course it was over weight, but actors are good customers to the railways, and a little excess luggage is not, as a rule, too closely inquired into. The myrmidons at Bishopsgate, however, were inexorable. It was in vain I tried to persuade them that the thing was "as light as a feather." They insisted on sticking it up edgeways on a shaky iron plate, and wobbling something up and down a bar; afterwards giving me an absurd bit of paper with "4s. 4d." on it, which, I explained, I didn't want, but which they charged me for just as though I had specially ordered it.
My destination was a small market town in the eastern counties, where I arrived about mid-day. It was the most dead and alive place I have ever been to. All eastern county towns are more or less dead and alive—particularly the former—but this one was dreariness personified. Not a soul was to be seen outside the station. In the yard. stood a solitary cab to which was attached a limp horse that, with head hanging down and knees ​bent out, looked the picture of resigned misery; but the driver had disappeared—washed away by the rain, perhaps, which was pouring steadily down. I left my belongings in the cloak room, and walked straight to the theatre. I passed two or three green posters on my way, headed "Theatre Royal," and setting forth that "———, the World-Renowned Tragedian from Drury Lane," would give his magnificent impersonations of Richard III. and The Idiot Witness that night, and begging the inhabitants, for their own sakes, to "come early."
I found the whole company assembled on the stage, and looking as dismal as the town itself. They all had colds in the head, including the manager, "the World-Renowned Tragedian from Drury Lane," who had the face-ache into the bargain.
After a rough and ready rehearsal of the tragedy, melodrama, and burlesque to be played that evening (I had had all my parts sent me by post before joining), I started off by myself to look for lodgings, as I had come to the conclusion that my own society would, on the whole, be less depressing than that of any gentleman in the company.
Lodging hunting is by no means the most pleasant business connected with touring. It always means an hour or two's wandering up and down back streets, squinting up at windows, knocking at doors, and waiting about on doorsteps. You are under the impression all the while that the entire street is watching you, and that it has put you ​down as either a begging letter impostor, or else as the water-rate man, and despises you accordingly. You never find the place that suits you until you have been everywhere else. If you could only begin at the end and work backwards, the search would be over at once. But, somehow or other, you can never manage to do this, and you have always to go through the same routine. First of all, there are the places that ask about twice as much as you are prepared to give, and at which you promise to call again when you have seen your friend. Then there are the places that are just taken, or just going to be taken, or just not to be taken. There are the places where you can have half a bed with another gentleman, the other gentleman generally being the billiard-marker at the hotel opposite, or some journeyman photographer. There are the people who won't take you because you are not a married couple, and the people who won't take you because you are a play-actor, and the people who want you to be out all day, and the people who want you to be in by ten. Added to these, there is the slatternly woman, who comes to the door, followed by a mob of dirty children, that cling to her skirts and regard you with silent horror, evidently thinking that the "big ugly man," so often threatened, has really come this time. Or the fool of a husband, who scratches his head and says you had better call again, when his "missus" is in. Or, most aggravating of all, the woman who stands on the step, after you have ​gone, and watches you down the street, so that you don't like to knock anywhere else.
All this I was prepared for when I started, but no such ordeal was in store for me. The difficulty of selecting lodgings was got rid of altogether in the present case by there simply being no lodgings of any kind to be let. It had evidently never occurred to the inhabitants of this delightful spot that any human being could possibly desire to lodge there, and I don't wonder at it. There were a couple of inns in the High Street, but country actors cannot afford inns however moderate, and of "Furnished Apartments" or "Bed Rooms for Single Gentlemen" there were none. I explored every street in the town without coming across a single bill, and then, as a last resource, I went into a baker's shop to inquire. I don't know why bakers should be better acquainted than any other tradesmen with the private affairs of their neighbours, but that they are has always been my impression, or, at least, had been up till then, when it received a rude blow. I asked two bakers, and both of them shook their heads, and knew of no one who let lodgings. I was in despair, and the High Street, when I glanced up and saw a very pleasant face smiling at me from the door of a milliner's shop. Somehow, the sight of it inspired me with hope. I smiled back, and—
"Could the owner of the pleasant face recommend me to any lodgings?"
The owner of the pleasant face looked sur​prised. "Was Monsieur going to stop in the town?"
On Monsieur explaining that he was an actor, Madame was delighted, and smiled more pleasantly than ever. "Madame did so love the theatre. Had not been to one for, oh! so long time; not since she did leave Regent Street—the Regent Street that was in our London. Did Monsieur know London? Had been to heaps and heaps of theatres then. And at Paris. Ah, Paris! Ah, the theatres at Paris! Ah! But there was nothing to go to here. It was so quiet, so stupid, this town. We English, we did seem so dull. Monsieur, son mari, he did not mind it. He had been born here. He did love the sleepiness—the what we did call the monotony. But Madame, she did love the gaiety. This place was, oh, so sad."
Here Madame clasped her hands—pretty little hands they were, too—and looked so piteous, that Monsieur felt strongly inclined to take her in his arms and comfort her. He, however, on second thoughts, restrained his generous impulse.
Madame then stated her intention to go to the theatre that very evening, and requested to know what was to be played.
On Monsieur informing her that "———, the World-Renowned Tragedian from Drury Lane, would give his magnificent impersonations of Richard III. and The Idiot Witness," she seemed greatly impressed, and hoped it was a comedy. Madame loved comedies. "To laugh at all the fun-to be made merry—that was so good."
​Monsieur thought that Madame would have plenty to laugh at in the magnificent impersonations of Richard III. and The Idiot Witness, even if she found the burlesque a little heavy, but he didn't say so.
Then Madame remembered Monsieur was looking for lodgings. Madame put the top of her forefinger in her mouth, puckered her brows, and looked serious. "Yes, there was Miss Kemp, she had sometimes taken a lodger. But Miss Kemp was so strict, so particular. She did want every one to be so good. Was Monsieur good?" This with a doubting smile.
Monsieur hazarded the opinion that having gazed into Madame's eyes for five minutes was enough to make a saint of any man. Monsieur's opinion was laughed at, but, nevertheless notwithstanding, Miss Kemp's address was given him, and thither he repaired, armed with the recommendation of his charming little French friend.
Miss Kemp was an old maid, and lived by herself in a small three-cornered house that stood in a grass-grown courtyard behind the church. She was a prim old lady, with quick eyes and a sharp chin. She looked me up and down with two jerks of her head, and then supposed that I had come to the town to work.
"No," I replied, "I had come to play. I was an actor."
"Oh," said Miss Kemp. Then added severely, "You're married."
​I repudiated the insinuation with scorn.
After that, the old lady asked me inside, and we soon became friends. I can always get on with old ladies. Next to young ones, I like them better than any other class of the community. And Miss Kemp was a very nice old lady. She was as motherly as a barnyard hen, though she was an old maid. I suggested going out again to buy a chop for my tea, and to fetch my basket, but she wouldn't hear of it.
"Bless the child," said she, "do run and take off those wet boots. I'll send some one for your luggage."
So I was made to take off my coat and boots, and to sit by the fire, with my feet wrapped up in a shawl, while Miss Kemp bustled about with toast and steaks, and rattled the tea-things and chatted.
I only stopped a week with Miss Kemp, that being the length of time the company remained in the town, but it will be a long while before I forget the odd little old maid with her fussy ways and kindly heart. I can still see, in memory, the neat kitchen with its cheerful fire in polished grate, before which sleek purring Tom lies stretched. The old-fashioned lamp burns brightly on the table, and, between it and the fire, sits the little old lady herself in her high-backed chair, her knitting in her hands and her open Bible on her knee. As I recall the picture, so may it still be now, and so may it still remain for many a year to come.
​I must have been singularly fortunate in regard to landladies, or else they are a very much maligned class. I have had a good deal to do with them, and, on the whole, I have found them kind, obliging, and the very reverse of extortionate. With country landladies, especially, I have ever been most comfortable, and even among London ones, who, as a class, are not so pleasant as their provincial sisters, I have never, as yet, come across a single specimen of that terrible she-dragon about which I have heard so much. To champion the cause of landladies is rather an extraordinary proceeding, but, as so much is said against them, I think it only fair to state my own experience. They have their faults. They bully the slavey (but then the slavey sauces them, so perhaps it is only tit for tat), they will fry chops, and they talk enough for an Irish M.P. They persist in telling you all their troubles, and they keep you waiting for your breakfast while they do it. They never tire of recounting to you all they have done for some ungrateful relative, and they bring down a drawerful of letters on the subject, which they would like you to cast your eye through. They bore you to death every day, too, with a complete record of the sayings and doings of some immaculate young man lodger they once had. This young man appears to have been quite overweighted with a crushing sense of the goodness of the landlady in question. Many and many a time has he said to her, with tears in his eyes: "Ah, Mrs. So-and-so, ​you have been more than a mother to me"; and then he has pressed her hand, and felt he could never repay her kindness. Which seems to have been the fact, for he has generally gone off, in the end, owing a pretty considerable sum.