# Volpone/Act IV Scene I

ACT IV. SCENE I.
A Street.
Enter sir Politick Would-be and Peregrine.
Sir P. I told you, sir, it was a plot; you see What observation is! You mention'd me For some instructions: I will tell you, sir, (Since we are met here in this height of Venice,) Some few particulars I have set down, Only for this meridian, fit to be known Of your crude traveller; and they are these. I will not touch, sir, at your phrase, or clothes, For they are old. Per. Sir, I have better.
Sir P. Pardon, I meant, as they are themes. Per. O, sir, proceed: I'll slander you no more of wit, good sit. Sir P. First, for your garb, it must be grave and serious, Very reserv'd and lock'd; not tell a secret On any terms, not to your father; scarce A fable, but with caution: make sure choice Both of your company, and discourse; beware You never speak a truth—— Per. How! Sir P. Not to strangers, For those be they you must converse with most; Others I would not know, sir, but at distance, So as I still might be a saver in them: You shall have tricks else past upon you hourly. And then, for your religion, profess none, But wonder at the diversity of all; And, for your part, protest, were there no other But simply the laws o' th' land, you could content you. Nic. Machiavel, and monsieur Bodin both Were of this mind. Then must you learn the use And handling of your silver fork at meals, The metal of your glass; (these are main matters
With your Italian;) and to know the hour When you must eat your melons, and your figs. Per. Is that a point of state too? Sir P. Here it is: For your Venetian, if he see a man Preposterous in the least, he has him straight; He has; he strips him. I'll acquaint you, sir, I now have lived here, 'tis some fourteen months: Within the first week of my landing here, All took me for a citizen of Venice, I knew the forms so well—— Per. And nothing else.[Aside. Sir P. I had read Contarene, took me a house, Dealt with my Jews to furnish it with moveables——
Well, if I could but find one man, one man To mine own heart, whom I durst trust, I would— Per. What, what, sir? Sir P. Make him rich; make him a fortune: He should not think again. I would command it. Per. As how? Sir P. With certain projects that I have; Which I may not discover. Per. If I had But one to wager with, I would lay odds now, He tells me instantly.[Aside. Sir P. One is, and that I care not greatly who knows, to serve the state Of Venice with red herrings for three years, And at a certain rate, from Rotterdam, Where I have correspondence. There's a letter, Sent me from one o' the states, and to that purpose: He cannot write his name, but that's his mark. Per. He is a chandler? Sir P. No, a cheesemonger. There are some others too with whom I treat About the same negociation; And I will undertake it: for, 'tis thus. I'll do't with ease, I have cast it all: Your hoy Carries but three men in her, and a boy; And she shall make me three returns a year: So, if there come but one of three, I save; If two, I can defalk:—but this is now, If my main project fail. Per. Then you have others? Sir P. I should be loth to draw the subtle air Of such a place, without my thousand aims. I'll not dissemble, sir: where'er I come, I love to be considerative; and 'tis true, I have at my free hours thought upon Some certain goods unto the state of Venice,
Which I do call my Cautions; and, sir, which I mean, in hope of pension, to propound To the Great Council, then unto the Forty, So to the Ten. My means are made already—— Per. By whom? Sir P. Sir, one that, though his place be obscure, Yet he can sway, and they will hear him. He's A commandador. Per. What! a common serjeant? Sir P. Sir, such as they are, put it in their mouths, What they should say, sometimes; as well as greater: I think I have my notes to shew you—— [Searching his pockets. Per. Good sir. Sir P. But you shall swear unto me, on your gentry, Not to anticipate—— Per. I, sir! Sir P. Nor reveal A circumstance——My paper is not with me. Per. O, but you can remember, sir. Sir P. My first is Concerning tinder-boxes. You must know,
No family is here without its box. Now, sir, it being so portable a thing, Put case, that you or I were ill affected Unto the state, sir; with it in our pockets, Might not I go into the Arsenal, Or you, come out again, and none the wiser? Per. Except yourself, sir. Sir P. Go to, then. I therefore Advertise to the state, how fit it were, That none but such as were known patriots, Sound lovers of their country, should be suffer'd To enjoy them in their houses; and even those Seal'd at some office, and at such a bigness As might not lurk in pockets. Per. Admirable! Sir P. My next is, how to enquire, and be resolv'd, By present demonstration, whether a ship, Newly arrived from Soria, or from Any suspected part of all the Levant, Be guilty of the plague: and where they use To lie out forty, fifty days, sometimes, About the Lazaretto, for their trial; I'll save that charge and loss unto the merchant, And in an hour clear the doubt. Per. Indeed, sir! Sir P. Or——I will lose my labour. Per. 'My faith, that's much. Sir P. Nay, sir, conceive me. It will cost me in onions, Some thirty livres——
Per. Which is one pound sterling. Sir P. Beside my water-works: for this I do, sir. First, I bring in your ship 'twixt two brick-walls; But those the state shall venture: On the one I strain me a fair tarpauling, and in that I stick my onions, cut in halves: the other Is full of loop-holes, out at which I thrust The noses of my bellows; and those bellows I keep, with water-works, in perpetual motion, Which is the easiest matter of a hundred. Now, sir, your onion, which doth naturally Attract the infection, and your bellows blowing The air upon him, will shew, instantly, By his changed colour, if there be contagion; Or else remain as fair as at the first. —Now it is known, 'tis nothing. Per. You are right, sir. Sir P. I would I had my note. Per. 'Faith, so would I: But you have done well for once, sir. Sir P. Were I false, Or would be made so, I could shew you reasons How I could sell this state now to the Turk, Spite of their gallies, or their—— [Examining his papers. Per. Pray you, sir Pol. Sir P. I have them not about me. Per. That I fear'd: They are there, sir. Sir P. No, this is my diary, Wherein I note my actions of the day. Per. Pray you let's see, sir. What is here? Notandum.[Reads. A rat had gnawn my spur-leathers; notwithstanding,
I put on new, and did go forth: but first I threw three beans over the threshold. Item, I went and bought two tooth picks, whereof one I burst immediately, in a discourse With a Dutch merchant, 'bout ragion del stato. From him I went and paid a moccinigo For piecing my silk stockings; by the way I cheapen'd sprats; and at St. Mark's I urined. 'Faith these are politic notes! Sir P. Sir, I do slip No action of my life, but thus I quote it. Per. Believe me, it is wise! Sir P. Nay, sir, read forth.
Enter, at a distance, Lady Politick Would-be, Nano, and two Waiting-women.
Lady P. Where should this loose knight be, trow? sure he's housed. Nan. Why, then he's fast. Lady P. Ay, he plays both with me. I pray you stay. This heat will do more harm To my complexion, than his heart is worth.
(I do not care to hinder, but to take him.) How it comes off![Rubbing her cheeks. 1 Wom. My master's yonder. Lady P. Where? 2 Woman. With a young gentleman. Lady P. That same's the party; In man's apparel! 'Pray you, sir, jog my knight: I will be tender to his reputation, However he demerit. Sir P. [seeing her.] My lady! Per. Where? Sir P. 'Tis she indeed, sir; you shall know her. She is, Were she not mine, a lady of that merit, For fashion and behaviour; and for beauty I durst compare—— Per. It seems you are not jealous, That dare commend her. Sir P. Nay, and for discourse—— Per. Being your wife, she cannot miss that. Sir P. [introducing Per.] Madam, Here is a gentleman, pray you, use him fairly; He seems a youth, but he is—— Lady P. None. Sir P. Yes, one Has put his face as soon into the world—— Lady P. You mean, as early? but to-day? Sir P. How's this? Lady P. Why, in this habit, sir; you apprehend me:— Well, master Would-be, this doth not become you; I had thought the odour, sir, of your good name Had been more precious to you; that you would not Have done this dire massacre on your honour; One of your gravity, and rank besides! But knights, I see, care little for the oath They make to ladies; chiefly, their own ladies.
Sir P. Now, by my spurs, the symbol of my knighthood,— Per. Lord, how his brain is humbled for an oath! Sir P. I reach you not. Lady P. Right, sir, your policy May bear it through thus.—Sir, a word with you. [To Per. I would be loth to contest publicly With any gentlewoman, or to seem Froward, or violent, as the courtier says; It comes too near rusticity in a lady, Which I would shun by all means: and however I may deserve from master Would-be, yet T' have one fair gentlewoman thus be made The unkind instrument to wrong another, And one she knows not, ay, and to perséver; In my poor judgment, is not warranted From being a solecism in our sex, If not in manners. Per. How is this! Sir P. Sweet madam, Come nearer to your aim. Lady P. Marry, and will, sir. Since you provoke me with your impudence, And laughter of your light land-syren here, Your Sporus, your hermaphrodite—— Per. What's here? Poetic fury, and historic storms! Sir P. The gentleman, believe it, is of worth, And of our nation. Lady P. Ay, your White-friars nation.
Come, I blush for you, master Would-be, I; And am asham'd you should have no more forehead, Than thus to be the patron, or St. George, To a lewd harlot, a base fricatrice, A female devil, in a male out-side. Sir P. Nay, An you be such a one, I must bid adieu To your delights. The case appears too liquid. [Exit. Lady P. Ay, you may carry't clear, with your state-face!— But for your carnival concupiscence, Who here is fled for liberty of conscience, From furious persecution of the marshal, Her will I dis'ple.<ref>Her will I dis'ple.] i. e. teach by the whip: disciple, or discipline. The word is thus used by Spenser, and others of our old writers:
Per. This is fine, i'faith! And do you use this often? Is this part Of your wit's exercise, 'gainst you have occasion? Madam—— Lady P. Go to, sir. Per. Do you hear me, lady? Why, if your knight have set you to beg shirts, Or to invite me home, you might have done it A nearer way, by far.
Lady P. This cannot work you Out of my snare. Per. Why, am I in it, then? Indeed your husband told me you were fair, And so you are; only your nose inclines, That side that's next the sun, to the queen-apple. Lady P. This cannot be endured, by any patience.
Enter Mosca.
Mos. What is the matter, madam? Lady P. If the senate Right not my quest in this, I will protest them To all the world, no aristocracy. Mos. What is the injury, lady? Lady P. Why, the callet You told me of, here I have ta'en disguised. Mos. Who? this! what means your ladyship? the creature I mention'd to you is apprehended now, Before the senate; you shall see her—— Lady P. Where? Mos. I'll bring you to her. This young gentleman, I saw him land this morning at the port.
Lady P. Is't possible! how has my judgment wander'd? Sir, I must, blushing, say to you, I have err'd; And plead your pardon. Per. What, more changes yet! Lady P. I hope you have not the malice to remember A gentlewoman's passion. If you stay In Venice here, please you to use me, sir—— Mos. Will you go, madam? Lady P. 'Pray you, sir, use me; in faith, The more you see me, the more I shall conceive You have forgot our quarrel. [Exeunt Lady Would-be, Mosca, Nano, and Waiting-women. Per. This is rare! Sir Politick Would-be? no; sir Politick Bawd, To bring me thus acquainted with his wife! Well, wise sir Pol, since you have practised thus Upon my freshman-ship, I'll try your salt-head, What proof it is against a counter-plot.[Exit.
* ↑ Sir P. I will not touch, sir at your phrase, or clothes, For they are old. Per. Sir, I have better.] This captious kind of wit (such as it is) occurs in Donne: "Your only wearing is your grogram. "Not so, sir: I have more."Sat. iv.
* ↑ First, for your garb, it must be grave and serious, &c.] Jonson with much humour ridicules the stale counsel and advice, which at this time, when travelling to Italy was so much in vogue, were retailed by every pretender to a knowledge of the world. Whal.
* ↑ Monsieur Bodin was a French lawyer of eminence, and a very voluminous writer. Not being so well acquainted with his works as sir Pol, I cannot tell to which of them he alludes, unless it be to his "Republics," which was once read at our Universities, and, about the time when this play appeared, translated into English, by Richard Knolles. Bodin died in 1596.
* ↑ Then must you learn the use And handling of your silver fork at meals,] See Devil's an Ass.
* ↑ I had read Contarene,] A treatise della republica et megistrati di Venetia, di Gasp. Contarini. Whal. It was translated in 1599, by Lewis Lewkenor, Esq. Coryat speaks of this work as very elegantly rendered into English; though somewhat deficient in the description of sign-posts, grave-stones, &c., matters in which Tom greatly delighted. But a more valuable testimony to its merits is the approbation of Spenser, who accompanied the publication (as the manner then was) with a commendatory sonnet, now become not a little interesting from the fallen estate of this "flower of the last world's delight."—Rome, in defiance of Spenser's prophecy, may yet rise from her ashes; but Venice, like Babylon, is sunk for ever.
* ↑ My first is Concerning tinder-boxes. &c.] Surely Jack the Painter had stumbled upon Sir Pol's memorandums; for this was precisely the mode which he pursued in firing the naval arsenal at Portsmouth. It would not be much amiss if men in trust would sometimes turn over the pages of our crack-brained projectors; for though their schemes are, as Milton says, "slothful to good," yet a knowledge of them may occasionally furnish a hint for obviating the effects of any partial and mischievous adoption of them. The whole of this scene is a most ingenious satire of the extravagant passion for monopolies, which prevailed at this time; and which was encouraged by the greedy favourites of the court, who were allowed to receive large sums for procuring the patents. Many of these monopolies were for objects altogether as absurd as this of sir Politick. The subject is resumed with great pleasantry and effect in the Devil's an Ass.
* ↑ ————Whether a ship Newly arrived from Soria,] i. e. Syria. The city Tyre, from whence the whole country had its name, was anciently called Zur or Zor; since the Arabs erected their empire in the East, it has been again called Sor, and is at this day known by no other name in those parts. Hence the Italians formed their Soria. Whal.
* ↑ A rat had gnawn my spur-leathers; &c.] This is from Theophrastus; and if superstition were not of all ages and countries, might be thought somewhat too recondite for sir Pol. The expiatory virtues of the bean have been acknowledged, since the days of Pythagoras, by every dealer in old wives fables: In faba, says Pliny with great gravity, peculiaris religio; especially, I presume, when administered by "threes," the sacred number. Smollett has made good use of this speech in his Peregrine Pickle.
* ↑ Ay, he plays both with me.] i. e. both fast and loose. Whal. This game, to which our old dramatists are fond of alluding, is now better known by the vulgar appellation of "pricking i' the garter." There is both truth and humour in the following reference to it, by Butler: "For when he'd got himself a name "For fraud and tricks, he spoil'd his game; "And forced his neck into a noose, "To shew his play at fast and loose." Hud. Pt. iii. 1. 2.
* ↑ Lord, how his brain is humbled for an oath!] How so? Surely Peregrine forgets that spurs are the most honourable part of a knight's dress.
* ↑ Ay, your White-friars nation.] White-friars was at this time, a privileged spot, in which fraudulent debtors, gamblers, prostitutes, and other outcasts of society usually resided. They formed a community, adopted the cant language of pick-pockets, and openly resisted the execution of every legal process upon any of their members. To the disgrace of the civil power, this atrocious combination was not broken up till the commencement of the last century.
* ↑ ————Only your nose inclines, That side that's next the sun, to the queen-apple.] This burlesque similitude seems to have furnished sir John Suckling with a very pretty allusion, in his description of the rural bride:
* ↑ Why, the callet, &c.] Callet, callat, or calot, is used by all our old writers for a strumpet of the basest kind. It is derived, as Urry observed, from calote, Fr. a sort of cap once worn by country-girls; and, like a hundred other terms of this nature, from designating poverty or meanness, finally came, by no unnatural progress, to denote depravity and vice.