# Jamaica Anansi Stories/Witticisms
## Witticisms.
### Animal Jests.

IX.
Louse an' Dog-flea have a quarrel. Dog-flea, he said, "Brar Louse, when him ketchin' yo' a head, how you manage?" Louse said, "Brar, me gwine a knot knot." Louse said to Dog-flea, say, "Brar, when him ketchin' you, how you manage?" Dog-flea said, "Me gwine a seam in." Dog-flea said, "Den, Louse, when dem a comb you, whe' you go?" Louse said, "I lie down flat 'pon de meat." Louse said to Dog-flea, "Den, Brar, when dem dip a hot water how you manage?" Dog-flea say, "Come, come, sah, dat don't fe yo' business!" So de quarrel end.
X.
Ground-lizard and Ground-rat were two friends. Rat said to Ground-lizard, "How black nigger sta'?" Lizard say, "Oh, dey ugly-lookin' chaps'." Rat said, "Yes? I see dem but nebber can stan' to look pon dem. Soon as dem see me dem say, 'Look Groun'-rat! look Groun'-rat!' an' take a stone to kill me, so I get out a dem sight." Ground-lizard say, "When dey buck up on me suddenly, I jump, but when I go a little way, turn round on dem an' look; dat how I know dey ugly-lookin' chap.'
XI.
Puss and Dog went out journeying one day and they found a thruppence. So they divided and now the trouble was they didn' know which thing to buy with a penny ha'penny. Dog said, "Brar Puss, I goin' to take fe my quattie to buy a quattie worth of look'." Puss say, "I won' buy 'look', I wi' buy cattle!" So the Puss buy a pair of lizard and let them go on the run, and they run to breed. That is why you see a cat always after lizard, and a dog is always looking, looking, looking and doing nothing,
XII.
Han' a go market. Hear beg Han' a buy meat. When Han' come a pass, he cut piece of de meat. Den Mosquito see him, an' Mosquito come fe go tell Hear say Han' cut de meat. Den eb'ry time Mosquito go to tell Hear, Han' knock him. He come back again--"Hearie!" Han' knock him (striking his ear with his hand). Couldn't tell him yet.
XIII.
Monkey said to Goat, "I want to make a ball and I have a jacket I don't want to wear; so I sent for you to see if you will buy the jacket." And said, "Try on the jacket, see if it will fit you." So Goat try on the jacket, and Monkey said, "It kyan't fit you better!" Goat said, "Fit? fit? fit? (strutting about looking at himself) fit fe tre-ew!" So Goat buy the jacket.
XIV.
Anansi an' Tiger was traveling going thru' a stream of water. Anansi want to find if Tiger can tell a story. Anansi foot went right down on a sort of stone in de water. Anansi say, "I mash a fish!" Tiger holla out say, "I smell de fat!"
XV.
Tacoomah say, "Anansi, yo' ma dead!"--"A' right! bit's wort' a meat fe sarve t'day."--"Anansi, yo' ma wake!"--"A' right! one somebody kyan't live a worl'."

### Duppy Stories.

IV.
Once a man was walking in the street on a night. He met a duppy. His teet' was like fire; so de man went to ask for a light, did not know it was duppy. So de duppy gash his teet' at him an' he run. So de duppy went on met him again. De man did not know it was him, went up wid a complain':--"See, sir, I meet a man jus' now, ask 'im for a light an' he gash his teet' at me!" De duppy grin his teet' again an' ask, "Teet' like dese?" an' de man run again.
V.
Once a man was traveling in a dray packed with sugar. The molasses off the sugar was trailing underneath the dray. Two duppies came up and was sucking the molasses, an' say, "After the molasses so sweet, how is the sugar?" The drayman happened to hear it, wheeled his whip in the air an' give the duppy a good lick. Duppies ran off, crying, "Me dead one time, me dead one time, me can't dead two time!"
VI.
Once there was two duppies warming themselves over the fire. So one said to the other, "Cubba gwine to married." The other one said, "Cubba gwine to married? She don' have frock, she don' have coat. Shove fire, gi' me story!"
VII.
Once some duppies were in a house. A man was outside; the duppies didn't see him. So they peeped all through the window to look at the moon. They said, "The moon is pretty pretty!" Another one said it was wrong, so he said, "Norra you norra me can't talk it prop-prop!"
VIII.
One man were going out upon an errand an' night catch him on de way. An' he see a horse an' lick de horse an' de horse go after him an' he was running. An' when catch de bridge, run under de bridge mash a Rolling Calf.[1] Said, "Masha masha no hurt me, but de frighten you frighten me!" Horse said de licky licky no hurt him, but de 'brute' him call him.
[1. 'Rolling Calf' is a duppy with fiery eyes and flames issuing from its nostrils. It drags a chain about its neck, the rattle of which strikes terror to night travellers.]

### Lies.

XVI.
Once me an' pa went to groun' fe go work. So we carry a gourd of water, go hang it up on a tree. An' when we ready to go back a yard an' we go look fe de gourd, we see dat duck come nyam off de gourd an' lef' de water hang up 'pon de tree.
XVII.
Once I was carrying a pan of water an' I had to go' t'ru a ten bar' wire fence wid de pan on me head, an' I run t'ru an' not one drop never t'row away.

### Old-time Fools.

I.
The master send out one of them for a clock. When he get part of the way home the clock strike. An' say to the clock, "If you talk on me head again I mash you' mout'!" An' up come again the clock strike. An' he said, "Don' I tell you if you talk again I mash you mout'? An' up came the clock strike again. An' him put down the clock, say, "If you can talk, you mus' walk!" An' as the clock couldn't walk, take a piece a 'tick an' mash it up! An' take up the clock an' put it 'pon the head. An' when he go in, Massa ask him how did the clock mash up, an' said the clock a talk 'pon the head an' him put him down to walk an' he won't walk an' he mash it up. An' the massa call the driver an' give him a good flogging.
II.
Master sen' them out for two jug o' rum, an' when they come to the river, they say they want a drink. An' one come top o' the bridge an' sen' the other down into the river an' say he t'rowing out the rum in the river, when the water taste he mus' tell him. An' he t'row out the whole jug an' he couldn't taste it. An' after he t'row out the first jug, say, "What kin' of rum is this have no 'trength?" An' him begin on the other jug an' him t'row out the whole of that again, an' him couldn't taste. An' they take the two empty jug an' go home to the master, an' they get a flogging for it.
III.
Dey gwine cut a big cotton-tree. Den one of de Congo men said him don' want de cotton-tree to fall down in him groun', so mak one big cotta[1] put on head so go ketch de cotton-tree when it go fall down. Cotton-tree fall down kill him.
[1. A ring-shaped pack made of banana leaves to protect the head when carrying burdens.]