# The Adventures of David Simple (1904)/Chapter 37

CHAPTER VII
in which is related the life of an atheist
In the morning they all met with the utmost good humour; and it being Sunday, David proposed the going to Church; for he said he had great ​reason to thank his Creator for giving him so much happiness as he had found in that company. The other three heartily consented to it; and said they were sure the meeting with him, and the being delivered from their afflictions and distress, was so signal a mark of Divine Providence, that they could never be thankful enough for it. This naturally led Cynthia to give some account of the conversation she met with in her journey to town. She had mentioned it slightly before, but now she told them all the ridiculous arguments the atheist had made use of to prove there was no Deity.
David could not forbear crying out, "Good God! is it possible there can be a creature in the world so much an enemy to himself and to all mankind as to endeavour to take from men's minds the greatest comfort they can possibly enjoy?" They all admired the clergyman's behaviour; and David said he heartily wished he was acquainted with him. Now it happened by great accident that this very clergyman preached at the church they went to; and as soon as Cynthia saw him, she informed her company who he was. They were all rejoiced at it; and David was charmed with his discourse, and meditated some method, by Cynthia's means, of introducing himself to him. When church was done it rained so violently that, no coach being to be had, they were forced to stay; and in the meantime the clergyman brought about David's wish, without any trouble of bls, for he presently came and spoke to Cynthia; she told him that gentleman longed for his acquaintance, David begged the favour of him to dine with them; he civilly accepted the invitation, and they all went home together.
Cynthia, as soon as she had an opportunity, asked him if he had ever heard anything of the atheist; to which the clergyman replied that, ​having some business that way, he called at the apothecary's to inquire what was become of him, and heard he was dead; for he would drink hard in spite of any persuasions to the contrary; which, with the pain, threw him into a fever that killed him. "But," continued this good man, "I was moved with compassion (though not with a mixture of pleasure) when I heard that as soon as he found he must die, all his fancied infidelity vanished into nothing, and in its room succeeded horrors impossible to be described. He begged the apothecary to send to a neighbouring clergyman, and before them both dictated the ensuing account of the life he had led, which they writ down, and, at my request, gave me a copy of it.
"'When I was a young fellow I took a delight in reading all those sort of books which best suited my own inclinations, by endeavouring to prove that all pleasure lay in vice; and that the wisest thing a man could do was to give a loose to all his passions and take hold of the present moment for pleasure, without depending on uncertain futurity. As I had but little money, I got in with a set of sharpers; and, by consenting to play all the game with them, was admitted to share some part of the booty. Whenever I had any success that way, I immediately spent it on wine and women. As to the latter, I had never any sort of affection for them, further than for their persons, and consequently was never much disappointed by any refusal from them, for I went from one to another; and as I was always certain of succeeding with some of them, I was very well satisfied. Promises cost me nothing; for I was full as liberal of them as I was sparing in the performance; and whenever I had by any means gained woman, as soon as I grew tired of her I made no manner of scruple of leaving her to infamy and ​poverty, without any consideration what became of her.
"'As soon as I had spent all my money, I generally returned to the gaming-table. But at last my companions, whom I only trusted because I could not avoid it, on finding out one evening that I had defrauded them of their share, all combined to disgrace me; and the next time I came, watched narrowly till they saw me slip some false dice out of my pocket, and discovered me to the whole table. It was in vain for me to protest my innocence and complain of the others, for I could not be heard; and the gentleman whom I had endeavoured to cheat held me till I was stripped of all I had about me, which I had won that night, and then kicked me out of the room. Besides the loss, I had pride enough to be hurt to the quick by such usage, and yet I had not courage enough to resent it. Thus this scheme proved abortive, and I was obliged to have done with it.
"'I had an acquaintance who, when I was in the utmost distress, used to relieve me; but then that was only enough perhaps to pay some debt, just to keep me from gaol, but was nothing to what I wanted to squander in extravagance.
"'The next scheme I took into my head was to follow women for their money instead of their persons; and it was a rule with me generally to go amongst those who had but small fortunes; for as to those who had great ones, I thought I should have my mercenary designs found out if I pursued them. But, by following such as had but a small matter, they easily concluded I could have no views upon their money, and that therefore my professions must be sincere; by which means I got away every farthing they were worth, and then left them to bemoan their folly, hugging myself in my own ingenuity. My method was, when first I ​got acquainted with any one, to pretend that all fortune was equal between us; and if ever they wanted money, I lent it them (that is, when I had it). Thus I passed upon them for the most generous creature in the world, till I had got from them what I wanted. But at last I was catched in my own snare; for I met with a woman who was cunning enough to penetrate my scheme; and when she had got from me all the money I had, she would never see me more. Another woman, from whom I had got £500 in this treacherous manner, happened to have a brother, who loved her so sincerely that she was never afraid to let him know even her own indiscretions. He pulled me by the nose in a public coffee-house; and swore till I had returned his sister every farthing I owed her he would use me in that manner whereever he met with me. As it was impossible for me to raise the money, I was forced to lurk about in corners, that I might avoid him. These two disappointments made me weary of this project.
"'The next scheme I formed was to go canting amongst the men of the value of real friendship, to try if by that means I could draw any person into my net, in order to make a prey of them. Here, too, I followed my old maxim of frequenting those companies where fortune had not been lavish of her favours; for I always found that those people who had but little were most ready to part with their money. Here I flourished for a small time; but as I took care always to leave the persons I had fleeced, and converse no longer with them than I could gain by them, I soon became very scandalous; and as I happened to meet with some gentlemen who did not at all relish such treatment, I got two or three good beatings, and could show my head no longer in that neighbourhood.
"'Thus was I both poor and infamous; and yet ​I was so bewitched with the fancy of my own wisdom, that even these miseries did not open my eyes enough to make me engage in an honester way of life.
"'I took another lodging, with a design of laying some new plot to get money by; and the next scheme I pursued was to talk very religiously, and try what that sort of hypocrisy would do. Now I chiefly frequented old women, as I thought keeping company with the young ones would be an injury to the character I then affected. I got some small matter, which was given me by people who were really charitable, to dispose of to poor families, which I made up dismal stories of, and this money I put in my own pocket. But this did not last long; for my propensity to all manner of vice was so strong, it broke out on all occasions; and as I could not forbear my bottle, which sometimes brought out truth in spite of me, I was soon found out; and then there was so general an outcry set up against me, I was obliged to fly from the clamour.
"'The next character I appeared in was that of a moralist; that is, I cried down all religion, calling it superstition, in order to set up morality. By this means I imposed on several ignorant people, who were so glad to catch hold on anything that they thought could give them any reputation of sense that they were quite happy in this distinction. There was a set of us used to meet every night at a tavern, where, when we were half drunk, we all displayed our parts on the great beauties of morality, and in contempt of the clergy; for we were sure we could be very good without any of their teaching. And then we raked together all the stories which reflected scandal on their order. My conversation turned chiefly on the great meanness of treachery, and that all men should have that honour in their dealings towards each other that their words ​should be as good as their bonds. By this means there was not one of the company whose purse was not entirely at my command; and, had their money lasted, I should not have been found out a great while; but when I had drained them all as much as I could, their seeing me spend what I had got from them in my own extravagance, whilst I would not return them one farthing, even though they really wanted it, opened their eyes, and they discovered whence arose all my boasted morality. They had taken no security of me, and had no way to redress themselves; but one of them happened accidentally to be acquainted with a tradesman (in whose debt I was to the value of £50) to whom he told the story; and, just as all I had tricked the others of was spent, he arrested me.
"'Now I knew not what to do. I thought the person I mentioned to you, who used sometimes to supply me with money in my last necessities, would grow weary of doing it; and yet I had no other refuge but to send to him. He said he would pay the money if I would promise to go into the country, and live upon a small income he paid me quarterly; otherwise he would let me go to gaol, and never take any further notice of me. Hard as these terms appeared, I was obliged to consent to them; on which the gentleman freed me from my confinement, gave me money enough to go into the country, and paid me as usual to maintain me there.
"'Now, again, if I had not been utterly abandoned to all the sentiments of humanity, or the true knowledge of my own interest, I had an opportunity of recovering my lost constitution, which I had racked out in such a manner, that though in reality I was but a young man, I had all the infirmities and diseases incident to old age. But instead of reflecting how much I had all my lifetime been a dupe to ​own mistaken maxims, and deceived myself whilst I fancied I was cheating others, I grew desperate at being obliged to retire into the country, left off all my schemes, and gave myself up so entirely to the bottle, that I was seldom master of even that small share of understanding my worn-out health and strength had left me, and began to curse the Author of my being for all those misfortunes I had brought upon myself; till at last ill humour, and the fear of believing there was a Deity, made me turn atheist; or at least my own desire of being so flattered me into a fixed opinion that I was one. In drink and debauchery I spent my quarter's income in a month, with only a reserve of enough to bring me to town; whither I was returning with a resolution of doing anything ever so desperate, even robbing on the highway, rather than deny myself the indulgence of any vicious passion that was uppermost. I was travelling to London when the misfortune happened to me which I believe will bring me to my end. I cannot say I ever enjoyed any real happiness in my life; for the anxiety about the success of my schemes, the fear of being found out, and the disappointment which always attended me in the end, joined to the envy which continually preyed on my heart at the good fortune of others, has made me, ever since I came into the world, the most wretched of all mortals. To this conduct I owe my ruin.' Here he stopped; and was so tired with having talked so long that he insensibly fell into a sound sleep."