# Heliogabalus (A Buffoonery in Three Acts)/Act 1

ACT I
ACT I
The atrium in the imperial palace on the Palatine Hill. A splendid and even gorgeous apartment, perhaps fifty feet long and twenty broad. The spectator views it from one side, and one of the longitudinal walls thus constitutes the background. At the left of the spectator is the arched doorway that leads into the ostium, or entrance hallway. At the right are two doors giving into the peristyle, or garden. In the back are doors opening upon various apartments, among them, a small triclinium or banquet-room.
The atrium has walls of Cipilino marble, and there are ornate pillars supporting each door-frame. In the centre of the floor is a small pool, perhaps six by eight feet, and flush with the floor. Above it, in the ceiling, is a skylight with movable bronze sashes, and gaudy silk blinds beneath. Despite the architectural magnificence of the apartment, its furniture, to modern eyes, seems meagre. To the spectator's right, between the garden doors, there is a solium—a high, stiff, ungainly chair, very wide, and upholstered in imperial purple, i.e., a colour rather like the crimson of today. In front of the solium stands a very ornate mensa, or table, with a few backless stools. There is nothing more. Light is furnished by Roman lamps ​on very tall candelabra. The moon filters through the skylight.
It is the night before New Year's Day of the year 221 A.D.
As the curtain rises, HELIOCABALUS' atriensis, or major-domo, RUFINIUS by name, ushers in the two physicians, PISO and POLORUS. RUFINIUS is a stout Gaul with a full red beard. He wears, of course, no toga, but there are chevrons of imperial purple on the short left sleeve of his tunic. PISO and POLORUS wear the paenula—a long, plain cape, with a hood not unlike a monk's cowl. PISO'S paenula is black, but POLORUS' shows the florid colours of a modern bathrobe. PISO is an old man and wears a long white beard; POLORUS is younger and wears his clipped, almost in the Van Dyke manner.
RUFINIUS, as soon as the two doctors have come to anchor by the pool, offers them a salver on which stand two goblets of wine and a dish of peanuts.
RUFINIUS
The Emperor will be out presently. The banquet is just ending.
[From within comes the sound of half-hearted mirth.]
PISO
[Reaching for one of the goblets] Very thought​ful of you, Rufinius: I need it. I was up all night with a confinement case.
POLORUS
[Somewhat sniffishly] Yes, my dear Doctor Piso, they are very tiresome. I'm glad I've been able to give them up.
PISO
[Waspishly] Give them up? I, Doctor Polorus, I never give them up! I pull them through.
POLORUS
[Rather floored; apologetically] I don't mean patients; I mean cases.
PISO
[Put into good humour by the success of his repartee] But I mean neither patients nor cases; I mean husbands.
POLORUS
[Amiably, trying to make peace] I suppose he was drunk, as usual.
PISO
Drunk? His very tears smelt like toddy. You could scarcely call him a husband in alcohol. He was an alcoholic extract of husband.
POLORUS
It's astounding how much they get down when such things are going on in the house.
PISO
Yes, and the tighter they get, the more they want to kiss the baby. And if you let them do it, then you have two cases of delirium tremens on your hands—father and child. And the mother raising hell.
[Sounds of feeble, somewhat laborious mirth come from the banquet-room]
POLORUS
What do you think of—? [Nodding toward the banquet-room]
[PISO takes a handful of peanuts and munches them during the following, now and then biting into a bad one and spitting it into the pool]
PISO
What is your idea?
POLORUS
It looks simple. I say diabetes.
PISO
Why?
POLORUS
Well, for one thing, he's always so thirsty. Then, his legs are beginning to trouble him. Thirdly—
PISO
Nonsense! He was born with that thirst. As for his legs, they are simply overworked. The human leg was designed to carry a man, and nothing more. Add his clothes, his conscience, his artillery, and his jewelry, and then pile on a barrel of wine or so every day, and it begins to lose confidence in itself.
POLORUS
The Empress Paula tells me—
PISO
Yes, I know all about the patent medicines he's swallowed and the quacks he's had here. There was that Syrian, for instance. He prescribed water-drinking.
POLORUS
She says he couldn't keep it on his stomach.
PISO
No wonder! I daresay his stomach wondered what it was.
POLORUS
What do you think of proposing?
PISO
Nothing could be simpler. If this were an ordinary man, say you or that fat poinsettia over there, [indicating RUFINIUS] I'd simply put him to bed, give him a good big dose of castor oil, and then send in ​my bill. Maybe I'd add a mustard plaster, and a gargle in the morning. The next day, repeat the dose. And so on.
PISO
[Uneasily] But surely you're not going to—?
POLORUS
[Horrified] What! Prescribe castor oil for an emperor? The gods forbid! Where are your professional ethics? Besides, I've been in jail, and don't like it. And when I think of lions in the arena gumming this old epidermis—!
[PAULA enters from the peristyle, and the two physicians, catching sight of her at once, make low bows]
PISO AND POLORUS
Majesty!
PAULA
[To PISO, gushingly] Oh, doctor, I am so glad to see you! I have been so worried!
PISO
[In his best manner] Be calm! This— [indicating POLORUS] is Dr. Polorus, my— [maliciously] assistant. Doctor, you are honoured by the notice of the Empress Paula.
PAULA
[Buttonholing PISO tragically] I surely hope you ​gentlemen can do something for the poor Emperor. You can't imagine what I have gone through. I think he's getting worse all the time. And those awful quacks he has had!
PISO
Yes, I have heard. It's common gossip.
PAULA
One of them put him on water! Like a horse! [It gradually becomes evident that PAULA, who is about 37 and rather chunky, is somewhat alcoholized and inclined to weep] I thought he would die the first night. I was up the whole night. I wouldn't let any of the other ladies touch him. I suffered terribly.
[Succumbing to the martyr complex, she sobs boozily on PISO's shoulder]
PISO
[With professional tact] And what seemed to be the symptoms?
PAULA
Just grief, I guess. The love of a pure woman. I still feel very faint.
POLORUS
Perhaps a goblet of wine—
PAULA
[Promptly motioning to RUFINIUS] And you, too. ​Pardon me for forgetting. I am all worn out. You doctors have to be up all night, and—
PISO
[Reaching for his goblet] People simply will send for one. I seldom get out of my clothes.
[The three drink]
POLORUS
And you were saying that the Emperor—
PAULA
Doctor, you'd hardly believe it. He's so changed I hardly know him—always complaining about his stomach-aches, and taking pills and things. You know how lively he used to be—always up to some pleasantry. Why, even when we had a quiet dinner here at home—just him and me and the other girls—he'd have in one of those dancers from Mesopotamia, and make him dance on a red-hot stove. Always something jolly. And how he would laugh and cut up! But now look at him! Even this New Year's Eve banquet is like a funeral. Think of it! He wouldn't let me go to it—and I've been sitting beside him at banquets for—well, ever since I was almost a child. And all the other girls barred out, too—all except Dacia.
PISO
[Professionally] Too bad, too bad!
PAULA
I say nothing against Dacia—not a word. She is a very nice girl. I was glad to see him marry her—that is, if he had to marry anybody. I thought he had wives enough. You can imagine what trouble it makes for me. But you don't want to hear my afflictions.
POLORUS
Your Majesty was saying that the Emperor is depressed.
PAULA
Depressed? You'd think he had on damp underclothes! And he keeps on sending for those quacks—even those crazy dervishes and religious healers from Asia.
PISO
Religion? Aha! Mental symptoms!
PAULA
Why, yesterday I hear he actually had in one of those awful Jews—Christians, some of them now call themselves—the kind they burn at the circus.
PISO
Riff-raff! They actually say they can cure a sick man without medicine. [To POLORUS] Your pardon, Doctor.
POLORUS
No offence at all, I assure you. My family is from ​Spain—Mendoza was the family name. I loathe these kikes as much as you do.
PAULA
[Continuing] So I sent for you doctors. I hear you do wonders. But you must be careful. No feeling of pulses or sticking out of tongues. Just say you have heard he is feeling poorly, and have dropped in as a matter of patriotism. Don't tell him I sent for you. He'll be here in a few moments, as soon as the banquet [she sniffs sarcastically] is over. You'll see how sick he is the moment he comes in.
POLORUS
And as for the symptoms. Majesty: you say he complains of—
[His speech is cut short by the entrance of a guest who comes from the triclinium supported by two slaves. He is very drunk and they drop him beside the pool and proceed to bathe his face]
PAULA
Oh, the poor man! Something has disagreed with him.
PISO
Who is the gentleman?
PAULA
I don't know him. I think he is one of the generals ​from the colonies. [To one of the slaves] Who is he?
THE SLAVE
Caius Macrinus, Majesty. Commander of the Western Fleet.
PISO
Ah, a naval officer! [To the slave] Is he taken this way often?
THE SLAVE
[Idiotically] Only when he drinks.
POLORUS
I think it may be fits. Let's take a look at him.
PAULA
Shall I order some wine?
PISO
No. That is, not for the patient.
[As RUFINIUS makes for the goblets, PISO and POLORUS approach CAIUS and shoulder the slaves away. CAIUS collapses at the edge of the pool, and before PISO, who is aged and stiff, can grab his end, slides into the water, and out of POLORUS'S hands. The slaves jump in after him and drag him ashore, and the two doctors proceed to revive him]
POLORUS
Grab his arm and pump it up and down!
PISO
What do you take me for, a milk-maid? I am a physician!
POLORUS
I thought we'd try some artificial respiration.
PISO
Artificial respiration your grandmother! Slap him on the back: that'll fetch him.
POLORUS
Yes, and give him pneumonia.
PISO
Pneumonia, flapdoodle! A drunken man never gets pneumonia!
POLORUS
Since when?
PISO
Since the time of Romulus and Remus.
POLORUS
Well, I have seen it.
PISO
You thought you saw it. The patient probably had cholera. Or maybe a fractured skull.
POLORUS
[Sarcastically] Palm-reader!
PISO
[With equal sarcasm] Barber!
PAULA
[Brightly] Why not roll him on a barrel?
POLORUS
Too late! He's getting over it. Besides, [indicating the banquet room] what barrels there are, are in there.
[CAIUS sits up and gazes about him weakly. Catching sight of PAULA, he waves his hand at her feebly. He has forgotten where he is, and doesn't know that she is the Empress]
CAIUS
[Thickly] Ah there, fair one! How about a little drink!
PISO
[Horrified] Sacrilege!
PAULA
[Flattered by his apparent admiration] Oh, let the poor commander alone. He's feeling badly. [She approaches him, with a goblet] There, that will make you better.
CAIUS
I remember you, little peppermint, but I can't place you. Didn't we meet in—Alexandria?
PAULA
[Sympathetically] Oh, don't worry your poor head.
CAIUS
It doesn't worry me. I remember you now. What's become of that little dark girl?
PISO
[In alarm] The Commander seems to be flighty. He imagines he's in a—er, a private house.
RUFINIUS
[Taking charge of the situation] I'd better help him out.
[He grabs CAIUS, and with the two slaves, begins leading him out]
CAIUS
[Drunkenly] But I haven't paid for the drink! Let me pay for the drink! I insist upon paying for the drink! I—
[Exeunt]
POLORUS
Delirium!
PAULA
[Virtuously] I can't imagine what he was talking about.
PISO
Oh, I have seen thousands of such cases. Most doctors make the mistake of—
​[He is cut short by an uproar in the triclinium. Trumpets sound. Suddenly three slaves appear at the door, crying "The Emperor!" PAULA at once prepares to depart]
PAULA
[To the doctors] Remember. Very careful! Don't ask him to stick out his tongue!
[As PAULA slinks into the peristyle, HELIOGABALUS enters from the triclinium, with DACIA on his arm. He is tall, sallow and apparently somewhat liquored; his bad humour is obvious. He stalks across the stage to the solium without a word, hands up DACIA, and takes his seat beside her with a scowl. He wears a magnificent toga of imperial purple, with a wide band of cloth-of-gold at the bottom. He carries a small baton, with a gigantic ruby at one end. He is bareheaded
[DACIA is a very pretty blonde of, say, nineteen. It is plain that she admires HELIOGABALUS vastly, but there is a touch of awe in her admiration, and it gives her a bit of stage-fright to be with him as here. She is dressed in the white garment of a Roman matron
[Following the two come several slaves, and two or three army officers. The latter have been guests at the banquet and are more or less tight
[HELIOGABALUS, seated upon the solium, claps his hand to his tummy and turns to DACIA]
HELIOGABALUS
There it is again—that grinding pain.
DACIA
I'm so sorry, dear. Shall I send for something?
HELIOGABALUS
The oyster-soup, I dessay. [DACIA pats his arm] Or the speeches.
[He dismisses the subject and sweeps the atrium with his eye. It alights upon the two doctors, who immediately drop to their knees]
HELIOGABALUS
[Irascibly] So there you are! Get up! [They arise] Well, what are you doing in the Night Court?
PISO
May it please your Majesty, the thought occurred to us that it would be a favourable moment for—paying our respects.
HELIOGABALUS
Aha, the crows smell the carrion! So you heard that I was ill?
PISO
Not exactly ill, Majesty, but—well, one might say slightly indisposed.
HELIOGABALUS
Indisposed? A sweet word. Then a man who has had his head cut off is suffering from tonsilitis. [Hy​pochondriacly] I tell you my stomach has all gone to pieces. I can hardly digest the blush on a peach.
PISO
Your Majesty describes the symptoms very trenchantly. Half the doctor's work is done for him.
HELIOGABALUS
I haven't mentioned a damned symptom, you scurvy old body-snatcher. If I began to tell you all my symptoms I'd talk your ear off.
POLORUS
Perhaps your Majesty will favour us with, say a specimen or two.
HELIOGABALUS
[He hesitates, but finally thinks well of the suggestion] Well, if you are interested . . . . For example, what would you say of a sort of peculiar buzzing sensation at the pit of the stomach, an hour after meals? [He makes elaborate circular motions with his fist] And then a sour head-ache, with peculiar flashes of light before the eyes? Sometimes white; sometimes red; sometimes a sort of greenish purple, or pinkish yellow, or bluish—
[He halts lugubriously]
POLORUS
[Judicially and with a profound frown] I should call it hyperacidity.
PISO
[Derisively] What! Hyperacidity? Then where is your heart-burn?
HELIOGABALUS
[Interrupting] Sir, I said nothing of any heart-burn.
PISO
Precisely. My learned friend here simply—
HELIOGABALUS
[Petulantly] See here, who's sick, you or I? I tell you about stomach-ache, and you begin talking of heart-burn.
POLORUS
[Virtuously] I didn't mention it. Majesty.
HELIOGABALUS
And it's lucky for you that you didn't mention it. Majesty! What is your guess?
POLORUS
I say hyperacidity.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, that was your first guess. Now what is your second?
POLORUS
Cholelithiasis.
HELIOGABALUS
And then? What is number three?
POLORUS
Nervous dyspepsia.
HELIOGABALUS
[In a sepulchral voice, gradually working himself into a rage] And which one do you favour for the death-certificate?
POLORUS
[Horrified] Surely Your Majesty is joking!
HELIOGABALUS
[Now thoroughly enraged, he leaps down from the solium and proceeds toward POLORUS like a lion stalking a deer] Joking? Is a coroner's inquest a joke? Is an autopsy a joke? [He explodes with wrath and bawls for the guard] Out with the jackass! Shove him into tier two and fatten him for the leopards! Out with him!
[POLORUS is hustled out, loudly protesting. PISO attempts a discreet sneak, but HELIOGABALUS detects it]
HELIOGABALUS
Grab the old one! Duck him in the pool!
[The slaves grab poor PISO and throw him in. He comes up instantly and tries to scramble out]
PISO
[Sputtering] Injustice! Injustice!
HELIOGABALUS
Again! [They duck him]
PISO
[Coming up again] I confess! Let me out! I admit everything!
[The slaves haul him out. He shakes himself like a wet dog]
HELIOGABALUS
Now throw him out. [They proceed to do it]
PISO
Where is my stethoscope? I lost my stethoscope! I want my stetho—
[Exit]
DACIA
[Sweetly, as HELIOGABALUS returns to the solium and wearily reseats himself] You excite yourself, dear. [She caresses him as if he were a troubled child, but a bit timorously] You should be calmer. That old quack isn't worth—
HELIOGABALUS
Calm? How can I be calm with that dog-fight going on in my tummy? My sweet birdie, you underestimate the effects of matter on mind. I ought to have kissed you an hour ago. It was my duty. Moreover, I inclined to it—the thought presented itself to me. But just then I was seized. I love you—but I am sick.
DACIA
[Sentimentally] If you love me, I am happy.
HELIOGABALUS
So am I—theoretically. But this——— [He rubs his front sadly. Then he suddenly pulls himself together. To the assemblage] Let us proceed to business. What is the first case?
[A slave comes forward with a scroll and writing materials and takes his place at the ornate table. He is the Clerk of the Night Court. Two armed guards stand to either side of him. The following scene is played very quickly]
THE CLERK
Hecatus; 27 years old; attempted burglary.
HELIOGABALUS
Hecatus? Is he a Greek?
THE CLERK
Yes, your Majesty.
HELIOGABALUS
Then don't bother to bring him in. Have him thrown into the Tiber at once. Next case.
THE CLERK
Cornelia Metelli; 20 years old; soliciting.
HELIOGABALUS
Bring her in.
​[The guard hauls in a bedraggled old wench, fully 45]
CORNELIA
[Beginning to protest from the moment she enters the door] Your Majesty, I give you my word I never done anything whatsoever at all. I was just walking down the street, going to meet a friend, when that policeman come up and—
HELIOGABALUS
Stop lying, my dear. I remember you very well. The last time, you held up a drunken pall-bearer on his way home from a funeral.
CORNELIA
Your Majesty, you have got me mixed up with some other lady. I give you my word I never—
HELIOGABALUS
Silence! Now let's be friends. How is trade?
CORNELIA
Your Majesty, you do me wrong, I assure—
HELIOGABALUS
Well, now, are we going to be friends, or do you want me to send you up at once?
CORNELIA
Don't send me up again!
HELIOGABALUS
Then answer my polite question. I asked you "How is trade?" I take it that it's not as good as it used to be. [CORNELIA begins to sniffle] I suppose the night has to be very dark for you to be—insulted. Or the stranger very soused.
CORNELIA
A poor girl ain't got a chance, Majesty.
HELIOGABALUS
Not after forty-five. Or fifty. [To the assemblage in general] Consider, gentlemen, the sad fate of this poor working girl. Think of her days of hope, of happiness. Of success. Think of the men she has charmed! Think of the old, sad romance of her betrayal! I dare say it was some gladiator, or an actor. Ah, the misery of the years! And now contemplate her beauty in its decay: the night must be very dark, or the stranger very soused. Observe that sepulchral wreck of what once was a human face. [CORNELIA sobs] No, my baby, I shall not send you up. Instead I am going to do something for you. Day chases day: you need a comfortable home. I appoint you a Vestal Virgin.
CORNELIA
[In horror] Oh, my God! Oh, your Majesty!
HELIOGABALUS
Sheriff, do your duty! [The guard drags her out, protesting raucously] Next case!
THE CLERK
Lucius Macedonicus; aged 30; picking pockets.
[The prisoner is brought in]
HELIOGABALUS
Guilty or not guilty?
THE PRISONER
Not guilty.
HELIOGABALUS
That is to say, guilty.
THE PRISONER
Believe me, your Majesty, I wouldn't lie to—
HELIOGABALUS
[To the clerk] How many terms has he served?
THE CLERK
Twenty-seven, your Majesty.
HELIOGABALUS
I begin to doubt the efficacy of the modern jail system. Let me think. [He meditates] The sheriff is ordered to take the prisoner to the place of execution——— [The prisoner yells, but is silenced by the guard, and HELIOGABALUS goes on]———and there chop off the index finger of his right hand—with one clean blow of a well-honed sword—no amateurish butchering.
THE CLERK
Any further command?
HELIOGABALUS
On his recovery, he is to be given a place on the police force.
THE CLERK
[In surprise] The police force?
HELIOGABALUS
I said the police force. A pickpocket with the index finger of his right hand gone is harmless. And so is a policeman. Call the next case.
[The prisoner is hustled out]
HELIOGABALUS
[Calling after] Bring me the finger, Sheriff. I admire it. [To the Clerk] What is the next case?
THE CLERK
Lucia the Galatian, alias Lucia the Christian; aged 21; blasphemy and inciting to riot. One of the soapbox cases, your Majesty.
HELIOGABALUS
Bring her in.
[LUCIA is brought in by the guard. She wears a simple white stola, the common dress of Roman women, with a cross embroidered in front. She is very pretty, and HELIOGABALUS shows immediate signs that he has duly observed the fact. He settles his toga, wets his finger, smoothes his eyebrows, and assumes a mixture of amiable ​smile and judicial frown, LUCIA folds her arms and is silent]
DACIA
[To HELIOGABALUS] She is very pretty.
HELIOGABALUS
[Heavily] Oh, yes—in a sense.
DACIA
It's a pity to see such a pretty girl in the hands of the police.
HELIOGABALUS
[Grasping at the idea] A pity? It's revolting! Darling, it shocks me to expose you to such a spectacle. I really can't permit it. My conscience would never let up on me.
DACIA
But—
HELIOGABALUS
Exactly. Wifely duty, and all that. I understand. You love me. But I can't permit it, really. Moreover, it is getting very late. You must have your rest. [He rises] My arm.
DACIA
I am not sleepy at all, dear.
HELIOGABALUS
See. It has begun already! Insomnia from late hours. That's the way I began. I promised your father to take care of you, to cherish you, to———
DACIA
But—
HELIOGABALUS
I positively refuse to let you sacrifice yourself. I hadn't noticed the time. Now, my dear. [He offers his arm, and she dutifully takes it, though with obvious reluctance. They step down from the solium and proceed to the door of the peristyle. At the door] You have been getting paler and paler for an hour. I noticed it but didn't say anything. Now right to bed, my little ginger snap. Don't forget that Heliogabalus loves you. [He gives her a peck of a kiss] I'll be with you anon.
HELIOGABALUS
[Genially] So this is Lucia!
LUCIA
[Oratorically] The peace of the Lord be with you, Cæsar! I am not afraid.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, surely not. I had no thought of harming you, my dear.
LUCIA
Ye who live by the sword shall perish by the sword. It is so written.
HELIOGABALUS
Perhaps you are right. But why did you kick up this disturbance on the street?
LUCIA
I made no disturbance, Cæsar. I obeyed the command. I preached the Son of God.
HELIOGABALUS
God? Which God?
LUCIA
The One God.
HELIOGABALUS
So there is only one now? I heard the rumour only last week. But why get excited about it? Why stir up those poor country yokels at the market, and give the policemen trouble?
LUCIA
I came to preach the Word. I came to bring peace. Aye, even peace to you, Cæsar;—with the sin and blood upon your hands.
HELIOGABALUS
[To the clerk] Mr. Clerk, the defendant is in the shadow. Can't we move the lamps a bit?
[The clerk moves them experimentally]
HELIOGABALUS
So; an inch or so to the left. That's better. [To Lucia] And now, my dear, about this blood upon my hands. Surely you have confused me with some one else. I am never violent.
LUCIA
It was by your decree that they died—burned alive, torn to pieces by wild beasts, butchered by gladiators—five hundred souls.
HELIOGABALUS
Oh-h, you mean those—what do you call them?—Christians! Well, surely you are not complaining of that. All that is a mere matter of administrative routine. They practise magic; they claim to be able to heal the sick, even to raise the dead. The law is the law.
LUCIA
It is their faith that gives life; it is their faith that heals. And that faith [touching her heart] is here.
HELIOGABALUS
[To the clerk] I'll have to trouble you about the lights again. Bring that big lamp nearer to the prisoner. The rest of you stand back.
HELIOGABALUS
Thank you; now I can hear her better. [To Lucía] And you were saying, my dear?
LUCIA
[Striking her heart again] My faith is here. The truth is here. The power of the spirit is here.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, so far, so good. But surely you don't claim to be a magician like those other Christians. A pretty girl like you!
LUCIA
There is no magic! There is only the spirit.
HELIOGABALUS
But, my dear! What has the spirit to do with the belly-ache? How can the spirit help a man when he is doubled up? What could it do for me?
LUCIA
Even you, Cæsar. Even you are not beyond the grace of the Lord.
HELIOGABALUS
[Growing more interested] Do you mean to say that I can be cured by this new magic, this so-called Christianity?
LUCIA
By Christianity, Cæsar, and by the spirit within. Even you may be healed.
HELIOGABALUS
Do you mean without swallowing any more pills?
LUCIA
I know nothing of pills. I know only the work of the Lord.
HELIOGABALUS
But what I am getting at is: what is the machinery of it? How do you set the Lord to working? Just how do you do it?
LUCIA
[Simply] We pray.
HELIOGABALUS
Is that all?
LUCIA
We lay on hands.
HELIOGABALUS
[Vastly interested] So! You lay on hands? And do you yourself—that is to say, are you yourself a practitioner of this—this—laying on of hands?
LUCIA
My prayers have been answered. I take no reward. I would ask the Lord's mercies even for you, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, all I have to say is that you are a very nice ​girl. First you accuse me of murdering your friends, and now you say you are willing to pray for me,—and even to lay on hands.
LUCIA
It is the command: forgive those who have ill-used you.
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, I say: now you are going too far. Imagine me ill-using you. Sweet piece, you wrong me.
LUCIA
[In surprise] I am not to be burned?
HELIOGABALUS
The idea! Burn you! The very thought of it revolts me. You have been misinformed, my dear. I am a very humane man—even a polite man.
LUCIA
But—
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, I know what you are going to say. Now and then I am irritable—and maybe order a man or two, or a dozen or so, to the—that is, now and then, I let the law take its course. But when a man is in bad health—and always has the stomach-ache—he sometimes gets out of humour. Who wouldn't? You have no idea how much I have suffered, and what awful medicines I have taken. Not half an hour ago I had to have another of those quacks ducked in this very ​room. Well, the Christians have this easy cure—this way of curing by laying on hands—and yet they let me suffer. Is it any wonder that I sometimes lose my temper? Now you say that you also know the trick, and I was wondering—
LUCIA
I shall pray for you, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, by all means. But this laying on of hands—I have a notion that it might, er—fit my particular case even better.
LUCIA
[Diffidently] We could try.
HELIOGABALUS
So we could. But not here. I have a feeling that a crowd might be—well, unsympathetic. [To the clerk] The court recesses, Mr. Clerk. Clear the room!
HELIOGABALUS
[To Rufinius] I shall cross-examine the witness in chambers. [To Lucia, offering her his arm] My dear.
[As they go out, Heliogabalus takes another precautionary look at the peristyle. They go into ​one of the rooms at the rear. The door closes. Rufinius, to whom the business is an old story, heaves a sigh, pours out two goblets of wine, and places them on the small table near the door. He then goes to the door of the ostium, and calls out to an unseen guard]
RUFINIUS
[In bored tones] Better get the musicians ready, Sampinus. They'll probably be wanted presently. Are they all sober?
PAULA
The Emperor—where is the Emperor?
RUFINIUS
He has just stepped out, Majesty.
PAULA
Just stepped out? Where has he gone?
RUFINIUS
He hasn't gone anywhere, Majesty.
PAULA
Bosh. Either he is out or he is not out. Don't deceive me!
[Rufinius, stumped, answers nothing, but his eyes wander to the door, Paula quickly notices]
PAULA
So he's in there, is he? And who is it this time?
RUFINIUS
A young woman, Majesty—a young Christian woman.
RUFINIUS
Majesty?
HELIOGABALUS
[Within] Music!
HELIOGABALUS
[Within] Not so damned loud! Something soft—and dreamy!
RUFINIUS
[To the musicians] Turn off the air in that pipe!
PAULA
This looks serious.
RUFINIUS
I fear so, Majesty.
PAULA
You say she is a Christian girl—one of those ex-Jewesses who bawl and beat tambourines on the streets? What does she look like?
RUFINIUS
I regret to report—
PAULA
Speak up! Is she good-looking?
RUFINIUS
[Reluctantly] In a sense, yes.
PAULA
That means she is very beautiful, doesn't it? Do I know any one she looks like?
RUFINIUS
[With a heavy attempt at courtliness] Your Majesty must consult your mirror.
PAULA
Enough of that blather! Do you think that I don't know I'm—nearly twenty-eight? [With bitterness] If I were still what I used to be, I'd be in that room myself.
[Another knock on the inside of the door. Rufinius responds. Unintelligible words from within. Rufinius turns, empties the two goblets, takes ​another flask from the table, and refills them. The musicians keep droning softly]
PAULA
What is that stuff?
RUFINIUS
The wine from Britain, brought to the Emperor by Caius Macrinus.
PAULA
You mean that stuff that tastes like smoke? Wine your grandpa! So he's going to try that on that poor girl! The third degree!
[Rufinius passes in the two goblets]
RUFINIUS
It is somewhat heady.
PAULA
I should say it is. Why, the first time I tried it my head spun around like a ballet girl. Now tell me about this girl. Is it just a—you know—or is it—?
RUFINIUS
I'm afraid it is.
PAULA
Is what? [Maudlinly] Tell me, Rufinius! You wouldn't desert me! Tell me the truth!
RUFINIUS
I'm afraid it's serious.
PAULA
You mean—?
RUFINIUS
Well, he hasn't ordered any guard to take her away in the morning.
PAULA
[Hysterically] There! I knew it! He'll marry her, and then I'll have another on my hands. Eleven already—and now one more! I'll go crazy if he keeps this up.
RUFINIUS
[Reassuringly] Well, maybe I'm wrong, after all. Perhaps he's merely interested in her talk.
PAULA
[Inconsolable] Yes, that's the worst of it. If it was only her looks I wouldn't care. A man gets his fill of looking in no time. But when he begins to listen he's lost. [Bursting into tears] I think this is too much. I've tried to be a good chief wife to the Emperor. Have you ever heard me complain when he came home with a girl and—sent for the musicians? Never! But I'm getting tired of this marrying. When he marries another one I have her on my hands. Who has to keep order among them? Who protects them when he gets into a bad humour and begins to talk of throwing half a dozen of them to the crocodiles?
[She blubbers]
RUFINIUS
But maybe Your Majesty is too pessimistic. I have a feeling that—
PAULA
[Rushing up, she immediately notes the full goblet] Ha! One still full! [Hysterically] What did I tell you? This one is a wise one: she refuses to drink. Now he's done for!
RUFINIUS
[Alarmed at last] It looks pretty bad.
PAULA
Bad? I tell you it's all over! I got him that way myself—and so did most of the others. I know! [Rising to martyrdom] Oh, what have I done to deserve this! And a Christian, too—a common street woman, praying and bawling in the gutters! Imagine the palace with her around! Worse, imagine the Emperor! Here, give me the goblet. I feel faint!
[She downs the goblet]
RUFINIUS
[In alarm] Your Majesty had better—
PAULA
Yes, yes. [Starting off] Let me know what happens.
HELIOGABALUS
[To Rufinius] Kick these vermin out [indicating the musicians] They play bawdy music.
[Rufinius kicks them out]
HELIOGABALUS
[To Lucia] And now, little dear, as I was saying—
HELIOGABALUS
Rufinius!
RUFINIUS
Majesty!
HELIOGABALUS
Who emptied this goblet?
RUFINIUS
[In great confusion] Your Majesty, I assure you—
HELIOGABALUS
Silence! I don't want to hear any lies from you. So you have taken to the jug again—after all your promises? While I am hard at work, engaged in the ​administration of justice—labouring at affairs of state—you loll out here in the atrium in your cups!
RUFINIUS
[At a loss] Your Majesty, I—
HELIOGABALUS
I have ordered you not to lie! If you tell me that it evaporated—in four minutes—to the galleys! If you say you gave it to a blind beggar—to the boa constrictors! If you say thieves broke in and stole it—I'll burn you like a—like a Christian!
RUFINUS
[Eager to shield the Empress, he takes the blame. He falls to his knees] Majesty! I ask forgiveness!
HELIOGABALUS
Ha! You save your life! [Irritably] But this sort of thing has got to stop! I can't have drinking men about me. [A pause while he meditates] You must be punished. You must have your lesson. [Another pause] How would you like to lose those beautiful pink whiskers?
RUFINIUS
[Horror-stricken, he falls flat on the floor] Majesty!
HELIOGABALUS
That's it, exactly. Call in the guard and we'll chop ​them off at once—and maybe a slice of ear with them.
LUCIA
[Protesting] I hope your Majesty—
PAULA
Stop!
HELIOGABALUS
[Startled] What?
PAULA
Rufinius is innocent!
HELIOGABALUS
Then it was—
PAULA
Yes, I drank it. I was feeling faint. I took it—medicinally.
HELIOGABALUS
PAULA
I think I had cause to be ill.
HELIOGABALUS
What had you been eating?
PAULA
Yes, laugh while I suffer! You never think of me!
​Here am I, so faint I can hardly walk—and you give banquets, and bring in women off the street, and turn the palace into a—
HELIOGABALUS
[Sternly] My dear, you talk pish. This lady is Lucia. Lucia, the Empress. Lucia was arrested—by a grievous error—and brought before me—and we have been discussing certain problems—chiefly sociological.
PAULA
Yes, I know what your problems are—whether to make love to her and fill her with nonsense, or just grab her.
HELIOGABALUS
My dear, I forbid you. Such talk is libellous, and grossly licentious. You will make me believe that the wine has—affected you.
PAULA
[To LUCIA] Don't you let him come over you with his soft-soap. That man could talk a woman into anything. Haven't I seen him do it, with one girl after another? He'll make you believe you are Venus and then, when you get to be as I am, he'll—
HELIOGABALUS
What foolishness, my dear! Imagine this beautiful, this innocent, girl ever getting like you are!
PAULA
Wasn't I beautiful and innocent once?
HELIOGABALUS
Well, maybe once.
PAULA
[Maudlin] And when I think of those other poor girls.
HELIOGABALUS
[To Lucia] Unluckily, my sweet Venus, the Empress is not herself. I have noticed it for some time. About twenty years. [To Paula] Wouldn't it be better, darling, if you went to bed? Perhaps a good night's rest would help you. Or shall I send for Piso?
PAULA
Piso? Never! That dirty old fraud—
HELIOGABALUS
And yet you sent for him to monkey with my stomach—my poor, sick stomach! Don't say you didn't. I know all about it. By this time, my dear, you should have more respect for my spy system.
PAULA
That's the way: You always put it on me! When you have done something, you accuse me of something. Oh, what—
HELIOGABALUS
[Humouring her] But why go into that? You are​—ill, and ought to be in bed. And besides, I have business. There is, for example, the matter of Rufinius' ear. It had better be attended to at once.
RUFINIUS
Oh, Majesty, Majesty!
PAULA
Rufinius is innocent. I drank the wine—all of it!
HELIOGABALUS
I believe you—but nevertheless, Rufinius lied to me. Can I afford to let it get about that it is safe to lie to the Emperor of Rome? Surely not. Now, go to bed and get a good night's rest and let me attend to Rufinius' ear. He is tired of waiting. The longer we put off the matter of his ear, the longer it will take to heal. [Taking her arm he pushes her out]
PAULA
[Going out blubbering] What have I ever done to deserve such awful, such cruel, such—
[She disappears]
HELIOGABALUS
[To Rufinius] Now get the guard, and bring in the tools. It'll be all over in a few minutes.
RUFINIUS
HELIOGABALUS
Silence! I have already pardoned you. This other business is a mere reminder, a souvenir. Go get the guard. I am busy.
[Rufinius staggers to his feet, and starts slowly toward the ostium]
LUCIA
But surely, your Majesty, you are not—
HELIOGABALUS
It won't take three minutes, I assure you. I'll do it myself—and I have a steady hand. Then we can resume our—studies—
LUCIA
[Clutching his arm] But surely this is not necessary. "Vengeance is Mine, saith the Lord." I beg of you, Cæsar—
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, I forgot. Your religion. Your Christianity.
LUCIA
We are forbidden to shed blood, even an enemy's.
HELIOGABALUS
But no one is asking you to shed any blood, little pigeon. I'll do it myself. Besides, there won't be much.
LUCIA
Or to see it shed.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, now, isn't that going rather far? Wouldn't it be fair to call that a rather extreme view?
LUCIA
[Her hands on him] Cæsar, I beg of you, I implore you—
HELIOGABALUS
[Melting, he slips his arm around her] Oh, if you put it on those grounds, why, of course—[He strokes her hair] Do you like me, Lucia, just a little bit?
LUCIA
I'd like you more, Cæsar, if—
HELIOGABALUS
[Sentimentally] How much more?
LUCIA
[Her eyes downcast] Maybe a great deal more, if—
HELIOGABALUS
Honest? You swear it?
LUCIA
We are forbidden to swear. "Let your Aye be Aye, and your Nay—"
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, but you would, wouldn't you?
LUCIA
I think I would, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
[Calling to Rufinius] Rufinius, you may keep your ear. And your beautiful pink whiskers, too.
RUFINIUS
[Turning at the ostium] Your Majesty is good!
HELIOGABALUS
Moreover, you look tired! You have long hours. Suppose you take a little nap out in the ostium. I'll call you if I want you. I have a bit more—business—with this young lady.
RUFINIUS
At your Majesty's command.
HELIOGABALUS
And before you go out, you might as well dim some of these lights. They seem to me to be a bit glary, so to speak. How about putting out that big one over there? [Rufinius extinguishes it] So, that's better. Now run along. If I want you I'll call. But don't sit up for me.
[Exit Rufinius]
HELIOGABALUS
[Approaching Lucia and eyeing her admiringly] And now, my dear and very delightful Christian maiden, now that we are alone, let us sit down and have a cosy little chat. Oh, not on that stool; it will tire your back, Why not here? [He mounts the ​solium] See, I'll sit here in my regular place, and you—well, you sit so. [He draws her to his knee] How's that? Comfortable?
LUCIA
I am afraid, Cæsar. My people will be wondering where I am.
HELIOGABALUS
And a good joke on them, too. [He laughs elaborately] They'll think you are on your way to the lions—and here you are as safe as a bug in a rug—and converting the Emperor to this Christianity, as you call it. Now, about that Christian kiss you showed me—just how is it done?
LUCIA
[Pecking at him modestly and very gingerly] Like this.
HELIOGABALUS
[Disappointed, shaking his head] Um, kind o' short. Not like—but maybe—after a while, after a little while . . .
LUCIA
[Bashfully, but with art] I'm afraid you won't respect me.
HELIOGABALUS
[Looks at her sharply] What's that?
LUCIA
I said I thought you would think I was—
HELIOGABALUS
Pish-posh, little goose-liver. I never think such things. Don't mention them.
LUCIA
But you have a wife already.
HELIOGABALUS
A wife? I have eleven.
LUCIA
[Horrified] What! Eleven!
HELIOGABALUS
Eleven living. My poor, dear Marcia is dead—among others. Paula succeeded her. Dynastic reasons, my juicy plum: the merit system was unheard of in those days. Then there is Annia Faustina, with the red hair. And Cælestis. I married her in Gaul: I was very lonely. And then there is Aquilia Severa. And Falia. And dear little Dacia. That was Dacia who was with me when those scoundrels brought you in. You will like Dacia—that is, you would like her if you knew her. And then there is Gestina. And—
[He hesitates]
LUCIA
That makes seven.
HELIOGABALUS
And Blenina, the blonde. And Alinia. And—
LUCIA
That makes nine.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, let so much be considered the reading of the minutes. It would only bore you to go on. Besides, why do it? Put them beside you, my new baby—oh, my! You saw one of them—Paula. Imagine a cultivated man, a man of artistic tastes, swapping a real kiss with—
LUCIA
But the Lord forbids. A man must cleave to one wife.
HELIOGABALUS
A sensible idea. In fact, a capital idea. If the rest of Christianity is like that, put down my name at once. But it's too late.
LUCIA
You have married all these women?
HELIOGABALUS
Every one of them, so far as I can make out. Including Paula.
LUCIA
Then you have broken the law of the Lord. Then you have sinned.
HELIOGABALUS
[Snuggling close] Oh, come now. Surely it is no sin to marry. I always thought that—
LUCIA
Marriage is of the Lord.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, then, how do you make it out that I have sinned? If it's all right to marry one wife, why should it be a sin to marry another wife?
LUCIA
You are mocking me, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
Not at all, I assure you. I am quite serious. Just why should it be a sin, as you call it, to marry more than one?
LUCIA
HELIOGABALUS
Fiddlesticks, little prune cake. I have eleven wives, and I love no less than four of them.
LUCIA
Love them?
HELIOGABALUS
Well, more or less. At all events, I did love them. Now—
LUCIA
You loved them truly?
HELIOGABALUS
One of them for two long years!
LUCIA
But marriage must endure unto death.
HELIOGABALUS
It did. It wasn't my fault. But figure it for yourself: When I caught her with that gladiator, what could I do? It was a great shock to me.
LUCIA
You—?
HELIOGABALUS
It cut me to the heart. I almost felt like taking some of the poison myself.
LUCIA
[Horrified] You had her poisoned?
HELIOGABALUS
LUCIA
You are horrible.
HELIOGABALUS
I am a husband.
LUCIA
You are a pagan—an infidel!
HELIOGABALUS
And you? Isn't a Christian an infidel? You, too, are an infidel—but [sentimentally]—a very dear, sweet little infidel. Now, how about another of those Christian kisses—but this time a man's size one?
LUCIA
[Not heeding him] Could you share your love—or what you call your love—for me with any other woman?
HELIOGABALUS
[Under the spell of her beauty] You try my philosophy sorely.
LUCIA
[Insistent] Could you?
HELIOGABALUS
Well, I'm no longer as young as I used to be.
LUCIA
Could you?
HELIOGABALUS
Turn your head a bit, so that the light falls on your hair. Ah, the moon! There, that's better. Now, what was it you said?
LUCIA
Could you share your love for me with another woman?
HELIOGABALUS
[A pause, during which he admires the picture. Emphatically] No!
LUCIA
[Radiant] Ah, Cæsar, you see! Or you begin to see. The star of Bethlehem has begun to shine in Rome!
HELIOGABALUS
[His arm about her] I don't see any star, my dear, but the stars that shine in your amethyst eyes. Now, please—[A kiss] And now another.
LUCIA
What! Right away!
HELIOGABALUS
Don't be afraid of crowding them. I could stand millions of those stingy Christian kisses. A thousand of them would only make one real, honest Roman kiss.
LUCIA
No.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes.
LUCIA
No, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
I order you.
LUCIA
[At once archly and coolly] In whose name, Cæsar?
HELIOGABALUS
[Desperately in her thrall] In the name of your God, whose light I am beginning to see.
LUCIA
[Now more persuaded] Well, just a little one.
[HELIOGABALUS negotiates a long, strangling, gurgling buss]
LUCIA
Oh, my!
HELIOGABALUS
Was it nice?
LUCIA
[Coquettishly] No. You are bad, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
What! Bad!
LUCIA
Bad, bad, Cæsar.
[A great crash in the ostium, with yells, Heliogabalus jumps to his feet and reaches for his sword, almost dropping Lucia. Presently a Christian comes bounding in, with Rufinius and two guards hanging to him. Rufinius is in his undershirt and barefooted. The Christian is a man of gigantic stature, and the three have diffi​culty in holding him. But finally they pin his arms behind him]
THE CHRISTIAN
I want to see Cæsar! I must face Cæsar!
HELIOGABALUS
[Observing that the three have at last made him fast. Folding his arms] Let him speak.
THE CHRISTIAN
I accuse you, Cæsar, of debauchery.
HELIOGABALUS
What! You come here in the middle of the night to—
THE CHRISTIAN
I call on you in the name of the Lord—
HELIOGABALUS
[To Lucia] Do you know this gentleman? Who is he, and what does he want?
THE CHRISTIAN
I want you to liberate that poor, innocent girl—that lamb of the Lord.
LUCIA
He is Simon of Cappadocia.
SIMON
[Still roaring] Let her go! Release her from your loathsome embraces!
HELIOGABALUS
Listen to that! [To Lucia] Think of that, my dear!
LUCIA
[Quietly] You are wrong, Simon. The great Cæsar has done me no harm.
HELIOGABALUS
There, you see!
SIMON
He has not laid his hands on you?
LUCIA
No. That is—
SIMON
[Refusing to believe it] You fear him. You are afraid to speak! [To Heliogabalus] Cæsar, what are you doing to this maiden?
HELIOGABALUS
Doing to her? I am admiring her.
SIMON
What are you going to do to her?
HELIOGABALUS
[Embarrassed] Now, really— [To Lucia] Who did you say he is?
LUCIA
One of our pastors—Simon. [Apologetically] He is very—
HELIOGABALUS
A pastor? That is, a clergyman? [To Simon] Are you in holy orders?
SIMON
I am a poor shepherd. I seek this strayed lamb. The wolves—
HELIOGABALUS
Good enough. I respect you for it. So you are a clergyman? Well, that simplifies matters enormously. Get out your tools. [Bells begin to ring out] The New Year!
SIMON
[In alarm] Tools?
HELIOGABALUS
The things necessary for your ceremony of holy marriage. I assume that you carry them with you. [The din increases] It's the New Year—and I turn over a new leaf!
LUCIA
[In astonishment; protesting] But, Cæsar—
HELIOGABALUS
Nonsense, my dear. Tomorrow it may be raining, or there may be a parade— [To Simon] And now, Doctor, you may begin. Do I stand here?
[The din still increases]
LUCIA
[Swept off her feet] But, Cæsar, your other wives!
HELIOGABALUS
[Himself completely gone] I am done with my other wives!
LUCIA
Done with them?
HELIOGABALUS
Henceforth and for ever! You shall be my one wife! And your faith my faith!
LUCIA
[Wide-eyed] You mean—you mean, Cæsar, that through me, through love for me, you have come to see the light?
HELIOGABALUS
[Swung along by the situation] I mean, my fair maiden, that I have seen some kind of light in your beautiful eyes. I don't know just what it is, or exactly what it stands for, but I love you, adore you, want you—and am willing to follow it—blindly.
SIMON
[To Lucia, in amazement] Can you—do you—believe?
LUCIA
[Taking the Emperor's hand, as the chimes swell to a great clamour] The great Cæsar sees at last!
HELIOGABALUS
[His eyes feasting upon her] What wonderful hair!
Curtain