# The Cocoanuts (film)/Hour 1

Hammer
What do you mean, young man? I want you to understand that I don't discriminate. You had the same opportunity as anybody else.
Mrs. Potter
Mr. Hammer—Mr. Hammer, I've been robbed!
Guests What?!
Mrs. Potter
My necklace, in your Hotel—
Polly
Oh, Mother!
Mrs. Potter
It's worth a hundred thousand dollars!
Hammer
Was it valuable?
Mrs. Potter
Was it valuable? I'll give a thousand dollars' reward for its return!
Hammer
Do you hear that? This little lady has lost a necklace worth a hundred thousand dollars, and she offers a thousand dollars' reward for its return.
Chico
Two thousand—
Hammer
Sold for two thousand dollars. Make a note of that, Jamison.
Detective
I'm coming through on this. I'll take charge of this.
All you people get back and give us plenty of room and keep quiet. Cut that out!
Chico
Come on, get back, get back, everybody, get back.
What's-a matter? What, did he hurt you? How do you—
What's-a push? No push. Come on. Come on, come on! Come on! All right, go on, start fight. Go on! That's-a rumble a fightcha!
Mrs. Potter
Mr. Hammer, what's the matter with him?
Hammer
I don't know where he's from; he hasn't any license on.
Mrs. Potter
What is it? What?
Yes—that's it! That's it. You dear man. Oh, I'm so happy. I must kiss you again.
Detective
So, that's it. I saw you in that room last night. Grabbing off stuff for the reward, eh? Now, then, you come clean!
Say, come—let go of that!
Chico
All right, leave him alone! Come on! Leave him alone! Go down!
Detective
How'd you know that necklace was there?
Harvey
Oh, officer, may I make a suggestion?
Detective
What is it?
Harvey
Well, isn't it possible that the gentleman who just bought this lot might know something about it? Why was he so anxious to buy it?
Detective
How about it, you? Why did you buy this lot?
Bob
None of your business.
Mrs. Potter
He's a desperate character.
Polly
Oh, mother, he isn't!
Mrs. Potter
Polly!
Detective
Whenever a young fellow shuts up and won't say anything, I've noticed it's generally on account of a woman. Who is she?
Bob
None of your business. I won't say a word.
Detective
You won't say anything. Well, this guy is letting on to be a dummy...and this bird, you can't understand when he does talk.
Chico
Ahh, shalom!
Detective
Is there anybody here who will talk?
Hammer
I will, but I can't think of anything.
Detective
Well, if you won't tell me about it, you'll tell somebody else.
Bob
Here, wait a minute—do you mean to say that—
Detective
That's enough. Come on.
Penelope
Oh, please, please don't take him!
Detective
What?
Penelope
Oh, I didn't want you to steal it, Bob. I'd no idea that you'd do it. Oh, I feel awful.
Bob
What are you talking about?
Polly
Bob, what does she mean?
Mrs. Potter
Polly!
Detective
So, that's it.
Penelope
Oh, it's all my fault. I'd no idea he'd think that I meant it. Bob, I didn't want you to do it. I just meant if you could give me one like it.
Bob
So, wait a minute! Are you accusing me of taking Mrs. Potter's necklace?
Penelope
Well, I'm taking all the blame myself. I was joking, and you took me seriously. Why, Bob, last night when you told me you'd taken it, I just couldn't believe it.
Bob
Told you I'd taken what? Why, Polly, she's out of her mind!
Mrs. Potter
It sounds quite plausible to me.
Polly
Mother!
Penelope
He didn't know what he was doing; I begged him to take it back.
Bob
Say, I'm not going to stand for anymore of this. Why the whole thing is ridiculous! It's absurd! Do you people really think for one moment that— Oh, I—I don't care what you think, any of you. Polly, you know it's a lie, don't you?
Penelope
It was just a harmless flirtation and then, well, he lost his head!
Bob
Don't you know it's a lie?
Polly
Why, of course I do. You don't think I'd believe a silly story like that, do you?
Mrs. Potter
Polly!
Polly
Mother, I don't believe it!
Mrs. Potter
Mr. Adams, I must ask you never to speak to my daughter again.
Bob
Well, Mrs. Potter, I—
Detective
Come on, young fellow.
Polly
Bob, I'm going with you.
Mrs. Potter
You'll stay here.
Bob
Yes, Polly. You stay here. It's only for a little while. Why, the whole thing is ridiculous.
Detective
Are you ready?
Bob
Yes.
Penelope
Oh, I'm so sorry, Bob.
Bob
Don't keep it up any longer! All right.
Detective
I'll have a confession out of him in half an hour. Come on, you.
Polly
Bob!
Mrs. Potter
Will you come back here?
Hammer
Now then we'll take lot #27. I've been so unsuccessful in disposing these other lots that I'm going to give away a half a pound of tea with every lot that I sell from now on.
Mrs. Potter
There's only one way to wipe out this disgrace. You must make people forget that you ever knew this young man.
Polly
Mother! What are you saying?
Mrs. Potter
You see what's come of your way. Now, I'm going to have mine. Mr. Yates?
Harvey
Yes, Mrs. Potter?
Mrs. Potter
My daughter has reconsidered her answer to you.
Polly
Mother!
Mrs. Potter
Your engagement will be announced tonight.
Harvey
That's wonderful, Polly!
Mrs. Potter
I shall give a dinner at the hotel.
Hammer
A dinner? A dinner? You want the thirty- or the forty-cent dinner?
Mrs. Potter
You may invite everyone...
Hammer
It's fifty- with jello, and, oh, how you can jello.
Mrs. Potter
...in honor of the engagement of my daughter...
Hammer
I see.
Mrs. Potter
...to Mr. Harvey Yates.
Hammer
Let me be the last to congratulate you, and you too. I'm sure you'll have a very dismal wedding with this chappo.
Guest Congratulations, Miss Potter.
Guest Congratulations, Polly.
Guest Congratulations, Mr. Yates.
Harvey
Coming, Polly?
Polly
In a minute. Please go ahead.
Harvey
Why, what's the matter, dear?
Polly
Nothing. Please go.
Harvey
All right. I'll wait for you.
Chico
Did you get—you got the key? That's fine. Hey, wait, wait, look. I got the saw. Now, you gotta get-a something, we get-a Bob out. Hurry up.
Chico
Bob! Hey, Bob! Hey, Bob! Hahahaha!
Bob
How's it going?
Chico
How do you do? How do you do?
Bob
What are you doing here? I didn't know they allowed visitors here.
Chico
I'm-a no visitor. We come to get you out. We gotta be quick, too!
Bob
Oh, thanks very much. You shouldn't have bothered, but I might as well stay here as any other place.
Chico
You've gotta come out. Polly, she wants you.
Bob
Polly wants me?
Chico
She gotta have you, because tonight she's going to be engaged.
Bob
Engaged?
Chico
Yes. Gonna be married. Mrs. Potter, she's going to give a big engagement dinner.
Bob
Who—to whom?
Chico
To Polly—Yates to Polly. Everybody's going to be there. You, too.
Bob
Polly's going to marry Yates?
Chico
That's-a right. That's-a right.
Bob
Well, come on! Let me out of here! Get me out of here, quick!
Chico
Wait, wait, we get you out.
Hey, paisan, bring in the chiave. Come on. Hurry up. Quick. Quick. Ssh! Ssh! Ssh!
Chico
We get you out.
Hohoho! He's-a no hungry.
Bob
Thanks very much. I don't want anything to eat.
Chico
All right. Come on.
Bob
Not at a time like this. Come on. Hurry up. Get me out of here.
Chico
We get you.
Chico
What's-a matter? What-a you do, eh? Come on. Break in the lock. Come on.
Bob
Come on. Hurry.
Chico
What's-a matter with you? What's-a matter with you? Come on. Come on. A rumble.
Bob
Come on. Stop fighting, boys. Stop fighting. This is no time to fight. Come on. Hurry up. Get me out of here, quick. Oh, come on. Hurry. Hurry.
Chico
Come on. Hurry up, Bob, while everybody's away. Come on.
Hammer
Is that so? Well, I'll attend to that.
Boy! It's been reported to me there's a poker game going on in room 420. You go up there and knock on the door, and see if you can get me a seat.
Boy
Yes, sir.
Hammer
All right, I'll be right over.
Chico
All right, Bob, coast is clear. Nobody around. That's-a fine, eh?
Here he is. We got him. Yeah, we got him all right.
Hammer
Hello, are you out on parole?
Bob
No, these two gentlemen helped to get me out. I'm ever so much obliged to you, Mr. Hammer. They told me it was your idea. And I can't begin to thank you.
Chico
That's all right. Maybe you'll do as much for me sometime. Well arrivederci. Good-bye.
Hammer
"Adabadachi."
Bob
I can't begin to thank you.
Hammer
Why that's polygamy.
Bob
Believe me, it's no fun being in jail.
Hammer
Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement.
Bob
But seriously Mr. Hammer, you know the story of Penelope's was all a lie. Don't you?
Hammer
Now, what's the use to worry? It's silly to worry, isn't it? You're gone today and here tomorrow.
Bob
But, you know it was a lie. How am I going to prove it?
What is it?
"Silent Red Wanted by the Police."
Hammer
What's going on here? Boys, everything has been dropping from on high, here.
Hammer
Well, I hope I've still got my underwear on. You know— Come here with that? I've felt kinda flimsy. Bob!
Bob
Yes, sir.
Hammer
Go upstairs and count the rooms. I think the third floor is missing. I'll put this stuff in here until I get ready to go upstairs. Wait just a moment. Blackstone Hotel, Chicago; Statler Hotel, Cleveland. Those are mine. Can you imagine that?
More papers than any man I've ever seen!
Bob
"Granada Road. Cocoanut Road."
"Granada Road. Cocoanut Ro—" Hahaha!
"Granada Ro—" Haha!
Hammer
Hey, if you get it twice more, you're allowed to keep it.
Hahahahahaha! Hahaha! Come here with that, will you? You can beat that but you can't tie it.
Bob
"Granada Road."
Hammer
Don't, don't, don't talk. He'll take the words right out of your mouth.
Bob
"Granada—"
"Granada Road—Cocoanut Road. Hollow stump—jewels." Tell me, where did you find this?
Hammer
That's a great guy you picked to ask.
Bob
Where did you find this?
Mr. Hammer, whoever drew this knows something about that robbery. Look!
Polly
Mrs. Potter
Oh, Penelope, dear, it was so good of you to come.
Penelope
Thanks so much, Mrs. Potter. Oh, isn't it lovely? You're a lucky boy, Harvey.
Harvey
Yes.
Penelope
I know the party is going to be a great success.
Mrs. Potter
I hope so.
Man
Hello, Penelope.
Penelope
Oh, hello. I didn't know you were going to be here.
Man 1
Anywhere that you are.
Man 2
How do you do?
Mrs. Potter
How do you do? Has Mr. Hammer come in?
Man
Mr. Hammer? Yes—he'll be here directly.
Mrs. Potter
Hahahahahahahaha! Ahahahahahahahahaha! Mr. Hammer, your costume is wonderful.
Hammer
This costume has been condemned by Good Housekeeping.
Mrs. Potter
I love the color scheme.
Hammer
That isn't a scheme, it's a conspiracy.
Man
Signor Chico Joseph Maria de Accunia, Count de Elsinore.
Hammer
On track twenty-five.
Chico
(speaks Italian)
Hammer
Listen, Count, as soon as the guests leave, I'd like you to take the ashes out.
Chico
Ahh, shalom.
Man
His Excellency, the Ambassador from San Rafaelo, Señor D. Harapano.
Hammer
Hey—nix on that stuff! Shure, it was just a breath of ould Ireland, I can see me old mither going down the path. And I can see me father. I can see me ould— Hoo! Hoo! Diddly-diddly-doo! Diddly-doo! Diddly-doo! Diddly-doo! Hoo! Diddly-diddly-doo! Hoo, goes the weasel!
There goes the weasel, now.
Mrs. Potter
I'm awfully glad you came, Mr. Hennessy.
Detective
That's all right, Madam. At a party like this, you've got to have the law around. Now, a nice woman like you needs protection, and I'm here to see that you get it. There's a couple of shady characters hanging around that I'm going to keep an eye on. What's that you gave him?
Chico
I no gave him nothing.
Detective
You'll gimme that, now. Gimme that. Gimme that, I tell you!
Detective
Who got my shirt? What's become of my shirt? I want my shirt!
Boy
Hey, you've lost your shirt.
Detective
Yes.
Boy
Can you describe the shirt?
Detective
What's that?
Hammer
Come here. Now, look, this cross—this cross marks the spot where the shirt was last seen.
Detective
Cut that out!
Hammer
Now, remain quiet, will you, please?
Detective
Just as I thought. You birds are all in on this thing and you're all trying to keep me from finding my shirt!
Hammer
That's a lie, you whelp! Whelp, whelp, whelp, whelp, whelp, whelp, whelp, whelp!
Detective
I want my shirt!
Hammer
He wants his shirt!
Detective
I want my shirt!
Hammer
He wants his shirt!
All
Detective
All
Detective
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Detective
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Detective
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Detective
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Detective
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Detective
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Detective
Detective and the rest
Hammer
And now, friends, now that we have found Hennessey's shirt, would you all mind looking for a collar button that I lost here, size thirteen-and-a-half?
Mrs. Potter
And, now, ladies and gentlemen, if you'll all find places at the table, we will have a short entertainment before supper.
Chico
Come on!
Hammer
How about you and I giving this joint the air and indulging in some snappy necking?
Mrs. Potter
What?!
Mrs. Potter
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Hammer will now act as master of ceremonies. Mr. Hammer.
Hammer
Ladies and gentlemen...
Chico
Two hundred dollars.
Hammer
In behalf of the Rotary Club of Minneapolis, I want to take this occasion of welcoming you to Waukegan— no, no, I mean in recognition of my many years of service with the railroad, you have presented me with these ties—and that, of course, reminds me of the story of the Irishman. Hahahahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! It's so funny—I wish I could think of it. "Oft in the stilly night, the trembling of a leaf can be heard, sighing through the trees and the babbling brook as it wends its way onward, babbling and—"
Hammer
Well, I got rid of one, and one like that is worth three ordinary ones. Where was I? Oh, yes, on this chair. That's right. Haha! Western cattle opened at fifteen-and-a-quarter. Yearlings and spring veal held a firm tone. And eggs were a little touchy on a falling market. Well, my mother and father talked it over and they finally moved to New York. They took a little house in the Bronx. And it was in that little house that Abraham Lincoln was born, much to my father's surprise. And that, boys and girls, was the beginning of the Lincoln Highway.
And now, friends, in view of the fact that Miss Polly's engagement is being celebrated here tonight, so to speak, I think a few words from her mother would be revolting. I now take great pleasure in presenting to you the well-preserved and partially pickled Mrs. Potter. Come on, now, give the little girl a big hand.
All
Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech
Mrs. Potter
My good, good friends, if I could only tell you how rosy-hued everything seems to me tonight. As I look into your faces, they are all lit with gay laughter. The whole world, and everything in it, is bathed in a soft, glowing, luminous haze.
Hammer
The old gal is stewed to the eyebrows.
Mrs. Potter
And now, I want to wish you all a most enjoyable evening. As for myself, I'm sad. I simply can't go any farther.
Hammer
I'll get off with you. Now, friends, I want to take great pleasure in presenting to you the groom, Mr. Yates—Mr. Harvey Yates.
Good evening, radio fans. We are now back in the studio. Stand by for your station announcer.
Harvey
My dear, dear friends...
I, uh—I, uh—I, uh, really don't know what to say...
Hammer
Well, shut up!
Hammer
What a splendid suggestion!
Harvey
I feel highly honored, but I'm afraid I'm not much of a speech maker. Nevertheless, Mr. Hammer, it was very nice of you to call on me.
Hammer
You must call on me sometime. I was just about to say...
Harvey
Yes.
Hammer
...come up and see my flower beds.
Harvey
What I intended to say was—
Hammer
I want you to see my pansies.
Harvey
Well—
Hammer
I've got short pansies and long pansies.
Harvey
I was just going to say that—
Hammer
Next spring I'm going to get some early bloomers.
Harvey
I was about to say—
Hammer
There seems to be a steady stream flowing in and out over there.
Harvey
I wouldn't dream of taking up any more of your time. I merely wanted to thank you all. And, as I said before, I hadn't intended to make a speech at all.
Hammer
Well, you've certainly succeeded. Now, friends, let's proceed.
Mrs. Potter
Now what's the matter with him?
Hammer
That's that good Gulf Gas.
Penelope
I'm so sorry.
Chico
Hey, hey, what-a you do? No good. Come on, that's-a no good.
Mrs. Potter
Mr. Hammer! Mr. Hammer, can't you do something?
Hammer
I don't have to. They're doing plenty.
Mrs. Potter
Oh, this is awful.
Hammer
Now, ladies and gentlemen, the first musical number that we intend to portray will be the beginning and the ending of a very...
Hammer
We're going to have music—music—we're going to have music.
Now the first musical number on the program will be a piccolo solo, which we will skip. And the second number will be Signor Pastrami, the Lithuanian pianist.
The Signor for his first selection will play "A Cup of Coffee, a Sandwich and You" from the opera Aida. Signor, allow me to assist you to the di-et.
Mrs. Potter
Oh, Signor Pastrami. What is the first number?
Steinway & Sons
Chico
Number One.
Hammer
And, now, friends, I want to present to you a charming little lady...
...down in front!...
Chico
Hey, sit down!
Hammer
...the little lady who is to become Mrs. Harvey Yates, over my dead body!
Polly
I know I have the sincere wishes of all my friends, and can only tell you how much I do appreciate it. I think I can honestly say this is the happiest moment of my life. Look what I have here!
TreeStumpJewels
Polly
It's a little engagement present just given me by Mr. Yates. He wrote it just now, but he wrote another yesterday when the necklace was stolen. They are both in his handwriting. Let me read it to you—it shows how to get to Cocoanut Manor and the hollow tree stump, and reads: "Hollow stump—jewels."
Mrs. Potter
I don't believe it.
Polly
See for yourself.
Man Yates is gone!
Hammer
Yates is gone? And I gave him a check this morning for a thousand dollars. It's a good thing it was my personal check.
Boy
Oh, Mr. Hammer—there's a man outside who wants to see you with a black moustache.
Hammer
Tell him I've got one.
Bob
Well, I think you will want to see him. His name is Mr. John W. Berryman. He has accepted my architectural plans for the development of Cocoanut Manor.
Hammer
Well, happy days, old boy.
Bob
Thank you, thank you.
Chico
Bravo, Galizianer!
Bob
He also wants to know if you can accommodate four hundred guests for the weekend.
Hammer
Four hundred guests?
Chico
Four hundred guests? Guests! Guests!
Mrs. Potter
What in the world is the matter with them? What is it?
Polly
Now, mother, you must admit you were mistaken.
Mrs. Potter
Mr. Adams, how can you ever forgive me?
Bob
Oh, please—Mrs. Potter.
Mrs. Potter
Ladies and gentlemen—you are all invited to attend the wedding of my daughter. The wedding will take place exactly as planned—that is, with the exception of a slight change. She will be married to Mr. Robert Adams.
All
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
Polly
The End
A Paramount Picture