# Heliogabalus (A Buffoonery in Three Acts)/Act 2

ACT II
ACT II
Sometime in the middle of the year 221 A.D.
The scene is the cubicula nocturna, or bedroom, of the Emperor in the Palace. Time: 10 P.M.
A rather shallow and crowded apartment, with doors at the left and upper right, and a single window at the right. The Romans, of course, did not have beds of the sort we sleep in today. The thing they used was a sort of chaise-longue—that is, it had no foot-board, Heliogabalus' bed is to the left of the spectator, with its back against the back wall and its foot facing the footlights. Beside it, separated by a space of no more than two feet, is the huge bed of his wives. It is, in design, exactly like his own, but it is at least 20 feet wide. The bed-clothing stretches unbrokenly from side to side of it, but there are separate pillows—twelve of them, each embroidered with a large monogram in purple. The pillow with the "L" [for LUCIA] is nearest Heliogabalus' bed. In the narrow space between this huge bed and Heliogabalus' there is a small night table, and on it are a lamp and a bottle of water and goblet. This lamp furnishes the only light in ​the room. Twelve clothes-racks, piled with finery, are at the extreme right.
As the curtain rises, Heliogabalus is propped up in bed, reading a scroll by the light of the lamp. Lucia is the only occupant of the other bed. She is lying near the middle of it, and is thus about 10 feet from Heliogabalus.
Heliogabalus, still holding the scroll in one hand, reaches over, pours out a goblet of water, looks at it sourly, makes a face, heaves a sigh, and drinks it.
HELIOGABALUS
What stuff! No wonder I've still got the stomach-ache. [Slowly rolling up the scroll as he gives it a final scrutiny] Hm—hm—hm— . . .
LUCIA
[After a pause, sleepily] What have you been doing, Cæsar?
HELIOGABALUS
Drinking that washing-water you make me drink, and reading.
LUCIA
Reading what?
HELIOGABALUS
Poetry.
LUCIA
[Piously] Poetry is corrupting.
HELIOGABALUS
I agree with you. Listen to this: [Reading]
LUCIA
[Somewhat uncertainly] Who wrote it?
HELIOGABALUS
One of your Christian poets—Commodianus. What you call a hymn writer. It sickens me.
LUCIA
[Challengingly] I like it.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, and you also like the Song of Solomon. I blush for you, little sweetbread. The Song of Solomon is pretty raw stuff. It is astonishing what a few months of marriage will do to an otherwise modest girl.
LUCIA
[Primly] Solomon sang of Paradise.
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, did he? But he took good care to fill Paradise with cuties. He had the imagination of a sailor. If Paradise is actually full of that sort of thing—if such didoes go on there—then all I can say is that—
LUCIA
Now don't start moralizing, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
Why not? I am moral: why shouldn't I moralize? Is it a crime for a cow to give milk?
LUCIA
[An exclamation of disgust] Oh, you always—
HELIOGABALUS
I have been faithful to you, little pullet, for 180 days and, what's more, 180 nights. How's that for morals? I defy you to find me a Christian to match it, at any weight. Think of it! Here am I, still in the prime of life, Emperor of Rome, Pontifex Maximus and all the rest of it, and yet I am as virtuous as a convict in the death-house. Here am I without a glass of schnapps for six months. Here am I with twelve wives, at least five of them charming, and I lock eleven of them out, and—
LUCIA
You must obey the Word.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, I have obeyed it. And what do I get for it? I still have my stomach-ache. And the one wife I have left rolls over about half a mile, and leaves me to shiver over bad poetry. [He throws the scroll on the floor] My dear, you must allow something to my training. I am used to society at night. Loneli​ness always starts up my dyspepsia. How many times have I suddenly wakened and cast my eye over that bed and watched the sweet girls as they slumbered, or whispered to one another, or nudged one another, or giggled in their more or less perfect innocence. There was always at least one awake. And when she saw me sitting up wearily, tortured by some business of state, she would crawl over and pour me out a drink of the real stuff, and then snuggle into bed with me, and stroke my hair, and—
LUCIA
There was always an Eye upon you. There was One who saw.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, if there was, then I call it damned bad form. Even the gods should have some decency.
LUCIA
[Horrified] Decency?
HELIOGABALUS
Well, then, say good manners.
LUCIA
Now you blaspheme, Cæsar. You should pray.
HELIOGABALUS
I am willing. I have no objection to prayer—in its proper place. As you may recall, I was originally designed for the church: it was only accident that threw me into politics. But your proposal, now—​your scheme of praying here every evening—isn't it a bit vulgar?
LUCIA
What an idea!
HELIOGABALUS
Still, I can't rid myself of it. It haunts my conscience, so to speak. Just think of it a moment. Imagine praying in a—bedroom! Don't you get a vague flavour of, say, impropriety? Isn't it a trifle—indelicate?
LUCIA
I think you are talking nonsense.
HELIOGABALUS
[Reaching for the water-jug and pouring out another goblet] Maybe I am, [He takes a swallow, chokes and spits it out] But isn't that precisely what a man seeks in marriage—a sort of virtuous nonsense? You forget the way I make a living, my cold little rabbit. My days are filled with gloomy duties. If I didn't look solemn as an owl the people would lose confidence in me. Say I go to the circus. There are twenty Jews in the arena, and the guards let out the lions. One Jew tries to climb up another Jew. Imagine the fun!
LUCIA
How you talk!
HELIOGABALUS
[Rubbing his stomach, as if feeling a pain] Nev​ertheless, it is actual fun, genuine humour—and I naturally want to squat on my little rearo, throw back my ears and yell. But I am the Emperor, and so I must keep my dignity. Every one else whoops and bawls, but if I go further than a snicker then it begins to be talked of in the barber-shops, and people say that I am drinking too much. [He casts a self-pitying glance at the water-bottle] Even as it is, a good many of them think that I am somewhat—flightier—than I ought to be. For example, consider my interest in you—especially my interest in your faith—this so-called Christianity of yours. Well, to you it may be serious enough, but think how it must appear to the average respectable Roman. He regards it as simply pishposh—and he thinks of me much as he would think of me if he heard that I was interested in some sort of idiotic Egyptian sorcery.
LUCIA
[Primly] I see no possible connection.
HELIOGABALUS
Naturally not, little canary. You are not a Roman. Well, neither am I. I was born in Syria. I am hyphenated. But now to get to my point. First, my business all day is solemn; secondly, these little theological debates of ours in the evening are solemn. So you see what is the matter. I lack recreation. I lack—well, there is nothing to distract and mellow my mind.
LUCIA
[With a touch of sarcasm] Well, what do you suggest?
HELIOGABALUS
[Brightening] I suggest, first of all, little squash-pie, that you come over here and give your little papa a great big kiss.
LUCIA
[Still primly] You had better go to sleep.
HELIOGABALUS
What! At ten o'clock! That's another thing: this ten o'clock business. Really I—
LUCIA
It is time.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, it is time for a kiss. Plenty of time—time for a good, long, damp, sticky one. [Wheedling, half rising] Now, come on, Lucia! Be nice!
HELIOGABALUS
Shall I? [She rolls the other eye indifferently] Do you dare me? I double-dare you to dare me! [She remains silent]
HELIOGABALUS
[Now completely out of bed, and standing in the narrow space between the beds] Well, here goes eti​quette! Strictly speaking, my gumdrop, you should come to me. Remember, I am Emperor, not to say Pontifex Maximus. But let it go. Do I get the kiss?
LUCIA
[With a stiff coquetry] A kiss—perhaps.
HELIOGABALUS
Only perhaps. And only a kiss?
LUCIA
[Slightly unbending] Well, then, maybe—
HELIOGABALUS
Well, then maybe what?
LUCIA
Maybe a kiss.
HELIOGABALUS
Hear, hear! Maybe a kiss! And here I am Emperor, not to say Pontifex Maximus, not to say a husband! [He climbs into the big bed and starts across toward Lucia on hands and knees. She begins to roll away from him] Hey, there, little cocoanut, where are you going? [He falls flat] Halt! [He gets in motion again] Remember, sweet oyster: love, honour and obey!
HELIOGABALUS
Thirty thousand oh-hells!
LUCIA
[Covering her ears with pillows] Cæsar!
HELIOGABALUS
[He crawls out of the big bed very clumsily, and into his own bed again] Who is it? [An unintelligible voice is heard outside] Who? [Another blubber] What? [Another] Who? [Another]
LUCIA
It must be Rufinius.
HELIOGABALUS
Ah, Rufinius! So it's Rufinius? And I told him I was—reading. [He slides out of bed into the space between the two beds and grasps the heavy water-bottle by the neck]
LUCIA
[In alarm] Don't hurt him!
HELIOGABALUS
Sh-h-h-h! [The knock is repeated] Sh-h-h-h! [He takes a firm grip on the bottle] Come in!
[As the door opens and Rufinius' head appears,
​HELIOGABALUS lets fly with the bottle. It misses Rufinius by a foot, but he ducks back and slams the door. A moment's silence]
HELIOGABALUS
I bet it singed him, anyway.
[He climbs back into bed]
LUCIA
You might have killed him.
HELIOGABALUS
Might have killed him. I ought to have killed him. I'll attend to it in the morning.
LUCIA
He thinks I made you throw that bottle at him. [Pause] He doesn't like me.
HELIOGABALUS
[Wearily] Nonsense. What makes you think so?
LUCIA
I just simply know it.
HELIOGABALUS
[Testily] Hang this intuition! How do you know it? What's the evidence?
LUCIA
[Somewhat reluctantly] Well, when I gave him a tract one day last week he wouldn't take it.
HELIOGABALUS
Why not?
LUCIA
He said he was a heathen, and proud of it. He said his father was a Gaulish prince and worshipped idols. I warned him of—hell-fire.
HELIOGABALUS
And what did he say to that?
LUCIA
He said—well, he said he had made up his mind to go to hell.
HELIOGABALUS
[Chuckling] Good for old Rufinius! For that I'll have to let him off. Remind me not to have him killed in the morning.
LUCIA
[Querulously] You seem to sympathize with him.
HELIOGABALUS
In a sense, yes. Things are not as they used to be—not as he likes them. Rufinius, you see, is getting old, and old fellows dislike changes.
LUCIA
Have I changed anything?
HELIOGABALUS
You surely have. The palace is not quite the—well, not quite what it used to be.
LUCIA
[Defiantly] The change is for the better, Cæsar!
HELIOGABALUS
Morally, yes. Spiritually, yes. But—er, socially, so to speak,—[a pause]—hardly. [He climbs wearily into bed] Almost I am persuaded—
LUCIA
[Sniffling] You are longing for those awful women. You want them back.
HELIOGABALUS
[Trying to convince himself of his own earnestness] No, no. Really not, I assure you. I feel like—like a man who has come out of a lion's cage into a—
LUCIA
Into a what?
HELIOGABALUS
[At a loss] Into a—er—into—
LUCIA
[Banally] Into Paradise?
HELIOGABALUS
[Quickly] Well, surely not into Solomon's Paradise! [Bitterly] Har, har!
LUCIA
Still, you miss them.
HELIOGABALUS
Of course I do. Wouldn't a man miss—well, whatever he has become accustomed to? Wouldn't he miss his underdrawers?
LUCIA
There you go again!
HELIOGABALUS
What have I done now? Mentioned underdrawers! Well, if a man isn't to mention his underdrawers to his wife, who is he to talk about them to? And if he doesn't talk about them in a bedroom, where is he to talk about them?
LUCIA
[Primly] Why talk about them at all?
HELIOGABALUS
Why? Simply because they have to be talked about. [With growing irascibility] Don't their buttons come off? Don't they get lost in the wash? Don't they shrink? Don't they split up the back? Don't they tickle?
LUCIA
Well, why didn't you let me know it?
HELIOGABALUS
Know what?
LUCIA
That their buttons were off, and—
HELIOGABALUS
But they are not off. I was merely arguing. I used an illustration. As we Christians say, I spoke in a parable.
LUCIA
I think you are exciting yourself for nothing. You are tired out. Why don't you go to sleep?
HELIOGABALUS
[Wearily] Yes, there seems to be nothing else to do. My trouble used to be that I didn't get sleep enough. But now—! [He composes himself heavily, and for a moment there is silence. He then tosses in bed and fusses with the bed-clothes, muttering under his breath and whining] I've got a stomach-ache.
LUCIA
[Raising herself and gazing at him] Are you cold, Cæsar?
HELIOGABALUS
[Bitterly] Who'd care if I froze to death? . . . And why do you persist in always calling me Cæsar? It's so darned stiff and unbedroomy. My old wives used to call me pet names—like Helio and Gabby.
LUCIA
[After a pause, archly] Would you really like me to kiss you?
HELIOGABALUS
[He sits up quickly, and stares at her] Say that again. Louder.
LUCIA
Would you really like me to kiss you?
HELIOGABALUS
[With a sigh] You say it just as you might say, "Will you have another plate of fish-soup?"
LUCIA
But would you?
HELIOGABALUS
[Meditatively] Well, I dare say it might make me forget my stomach-ache—if it was a real kiss. [With elaborate manner] Am I to understand that you have an itch in that direction?
LUCIA
[Taken aback] Itch?
HELIOGABALUS
Pardon an old soldier, little moonstone. I should say an inclination, an impulse——a prompting.
LUCIA
[Getting out of bed] Now I'll show you, Cæsar, that I do love you, with a Christian love.
HELIOGABALUS
[Somewhat at a loss] Positively, darling, you alarm me.
LUCIA
There! [She kisses him—but very formally and briefly]
HELIOGABALUS
Ah!
LUCIA
Now, Cæsar, you know I love you.
HELIOGABALUS
No; so far I merely suspect it. What is needed is corroboration. Now for another, sweet icebox—and let it be a bit more easy and dreamy. Let yourself go a bit. Don't hold your breath. Don't—forgive me, little on—be so gol-darned Christian.
LUCIA
[Her hands to her face] Oh!
HELIOGABALUS
You may well say "Oh!" Many a woman lives and dies without ever getting such a kiss.
LUCIA
[Startled] It took my breath.
HELIOGABALUS
[Not without pride] I dare say. [Hospitably] But aren't you chilly out there? Why not come in?
LUCIA
[Suddenly covering her face with her hands] Oh, those other women! Those awful women!
HELIOGABALUS
[Patting her shoulder] Forget them! I expunge them from the minutes! I'll get rid of them—all of them!
LUCIA
All of them? Even that fat old Paula?
HELIOGABALUS
Purge your mind of all concern, darling. I'll have Paula poisoned in the morning. She has lived too long.
LUCIA
[Horrified] Oh, never! I won't have her poisoned.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, then, I'll marry her off to old Caius Macrinus—and ship them both to Persia.
LUCIA
But the others?
HELIOGABALUS
I'll marry off the whole crowd to Caius. The old souse deserves it.
LUCIA
[Insinuatingly] Even that pretty one—that Dacia?
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, either marry her off [weakening] or send her home to her mama. But enough of this. You'll catch your death of cold.
LUCIA
[Without warmth, as if speaking to her father] Is there room?
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, surely. [He moves over and she climbs in] Let me help you. [He gives her a hand and she crawls under the covers. He then puts his arm around her, and they sit up together] After all, confess that this is better than the farm over there. Now isn't it? When I crawl in there I feel like a lost orphan. Do you remember how I mislaid you the other night? I thought you had fallen out of bed, but there you were all the while, eighteen feet away. And now—
[Another kiss]
LUCIA
Cæsar, you are so—
HELIOGABALUS
[Puffing out his chest] I thought you'd like it. But it really takes me some time to get into form. Now tell me the truth: this is really nicer than praying, isn't it?
LUCIA
[Tremulously] I'm afraid it is—sometimes.
HELIOGABALUS
Afraid it is? What are you afraid of?
LUCIA
[Relapsing into the Christian] We are taught that—
HELIOGABALUS
Now there you go with that Christianity again! You are taught, are you? Well, I'll teach you something easier to learn. I am the old professor! Now to proceed with the lesson—
HELIOGABALUS
[In a sudden rage] Say, what do they think this is? A farce? If it's that old interrupting wheeze Rufinius again, off go both his legs! And both ears! And maybe a bud or two of nose!
LUCIA
You had better let him in. If it wasn't important, he surely wouldn't risk his life.
HELIOGABALUS
[Obviously impressed by the notion] Maybe you are right. But let me take at least one more shot at him as he comes in. I won't kill him. All I want to do is to cripple him. [Gets out of bed, but before he can find a missile, there is yet another knock, this time very urgent, and he gives it up] Come in!
RUFINIUS
Your Majesty's pardon! I ask pardon!
HELIOGABALUS
[Severely] Well, alarm clock?
RUFINIUS
A very important matter. [He glances about him, his eyes alighting on Lucia] For your Majesty's private ear. Perhaps it would be better—
HELIOGABALUS
Let's hear it.
RUFINIUS
[He comes closer] I really think—
HELIOGABALUS
[Testily] Go on with your story, kill-joy.
HELIOGABALUS
[Aloud] Make it short. I'm very busy, [Rufinius whispers, and Heliogabalus suddenly grows interested and somewhat alarmed] What do they want? . . . I thought they were all sound asleep over in the North Wing. . . . She isn't? What! A riot—and Paula not in it? Then where is she? . . . Go find her. I know she's behind it. . . . And get the rest to bed. Drunk or sober, get them to bed. . . . Tell them I absolutely order it.
[A noise outside, and a woman's scream]
LUCIA
[From the bed, in alarm] What was that?
HELIOGABALUS
[Over his shoulder, reassuringly] Nothing, my dear. Stay in bed like a nice girl.
LUCIA
[Half out] You are having some one killed!
HELIOGABALUS
Bosh! Stay in bed! [To Rufinius] Get them back in the North Wing, and post a guard at—
PAULA
Come in, girls! I am with you!
[At this, Lucia, still in bed, screams shrilly, and Heliogabalus and Rufinius fall back. As the door swings open Cælestis bounds in with a Prætorian guard dragging behind her. At sight of the imperial bedchamber, he is so far overcome that he lets go and rushes out again. In the ​doorway, he collides with Aquilia Severa, Annia Faustina and Alinia, all in a great state of excitement. They knock him over, and leap into the room, glaring about them truculently]
PAULA
[Levelling a melodramatic forefinger at Heliogabalus] There he is! He was plotting to poison all of us!
HELIOGABALUS
[Weakly] Oh, surely you exaggerate. I—
PAULA
Me first, and then the rest of you. I heard it with my own ears. And I heard a lot besides. Such talk! I lay there under the bed blushing.
LUCIA
[Sitting up in bed] You ought to blush, you—you—you—
[She is overcome by indignation]
PAULA
Out of my bed, you—you—you!
LUCIA
You—you—you—!
PAULA
No more of this Christian monkey-business! Into the street you go, where you came from!
LUCIA
Do you dare—!
PAULA
Yes, the street. I saw you myself. I saw you haranguing those loafers, and singing songs, and passing a soup-plate for coppers.
LUCIA
[Leaping from bed] I refuse to allow you to say that. I was preaching the Word. I was seeking souls.
PAULA
[Moving toward her truculently] Um-hum! I know what you were seeking. You had one eye on the Palace all the while.
LUCIA
[In high indignation] There is not a word of truth in it. It is infamous.
PAULA
Bah!
THE OTHER WIVES
Bah! Bah!
LUCIA
I was on my Master's business.
PAULA
And I am here on my own business. I'll give you two minutes to get out of this room—and stay out.
[Heliogabalus, observing that both sides have forgotten him, gives a sardonic wink and tiptoes upstage toward his bed. He carefully and quietly crawls in, fixes the pillow behind him, and settles down to observe the row. Rufinius sneaks toward the door]
LUCIA
Never in the world! This is my room now. It has been sanctified!
PAULA
Sanctified nothing. It's my room—our room. You never were legally married to the Emperor. You are nothing but a—
LUCIA
Oh, what a lie! I was married by my own pastor.
PAULA
Yes, by one of your Christian street-preachers. I've seen him! He looks like a drum-major. But this is Rome, and—
LUCIA
[Explosively] Well, when it comes to that, what of yourself? Where did you come from? Doesn't ​everybody know that you were a chamber-maid in Alexandria?
PAULA
[Sputtering] I was nothing of the sort, you—! My father was a general in the army.
ANNIA
My father was Governor of Macedonia.
LUCIA
[Leaping at the chance] Oh, was he? And who was your first husband?
[The boaster is abashed]
LUCIA
I'll tell you. His name was Pomponius Bassus—and he was hanged.
PAULA
[Grandly] And he deserved it. The way he treated that poor, dear—
LUCIA
Yes, and he was hanged six weeks after that hussy came here and tempted poor Cæsar.
[Heliogabalus turns over in the bed]
PAULA
A thumping lie! I remember every detail of it. It wasn't six weeks at all . . . And now you throw on your clothes and get out of here! Out with you!
LUCIA
I shall do absolutely nothing of the sort.
PAULA
This free love stuff has got to stop. And it's my place to see that it—
LUCIA
It's your place to turn all these heathen women out of the palace, and then turn yourself out, and so save the Emperor from such sinful—
PAULA
You're a common man-teaser.
LUCIA
You are an old scare-crow!
PAULA
I'll have you thrown out of the door!
LUCIA
I'll have you thrown out of the window!
PAULA
You are a loose woman!
LUCIA
You used to be a loose woman!
PAULA
I dare you to say such a thing!
LUCIA
Let me go, you—you—infidel! I'll—
LUCIA
Oh, oh! Help! Help, Cæsar! Save me!
HELIOGABALUS
[Crawling from the bed quietly and idiotically] Did I hear you call? What's the trouble? Have you dropped something?
LUCIA
[At the top of her lungs] These filthy creatures are trying to kill me!
PAULA
[Under the pile of clothes] She bit me!
LUCIA
[Hysterically] That old washtub tried to stab me.
PAULA
[Breaking from the others, her hand on her black eye] It's a dirty lie! She kicked me in the—
LUCIA
She called me awful names!
CÆLESTIS
I saw her draw a dagger!
HELIOGABALUS
Stop! Be quiet! What sort of bar-room row is this? Do you know where you are?
PAULA
I am in my own room. This room is mine.
AQUILIA
And ours.
PAULA
Yes, and theirs.
LUCIA
[Furiously] It's mine!
HELIOGABALUS
[Decisively] It's mine. [Coolly, with judicial poise] And it wouldn't be going too far, ladies, to say that I am scandalized by such proceedings. I really am. In all my experience, embracing many long years and the whole Roman empire, from Britain in the far North to Persia in the extreme—
PAULA
[Bursting into tears] You bring in a woman off the streets—
LUCIA
[In tears, too] You let an old unbelieving harridan, a disreputable old—
HELIOGABALUS
As I was saying, ladies, in all my—
PAULA
I demand that that creature be put out!
LUCIA
I demand my rights as your wife!
HELIOGABALUS
Really, my dear, you must excuse me. On this point the principles of jurisprudence are quite clear. A judge is plainly forbidden to sit in a case in which he has an interest. If he has an interest in one side it is enough. If he has an interest in both sides, then surely—
LUCIA
Both sides?
HELIOGABALUS
Exactly.
LUCIA
Do you mean to say that you are interested in the side of this—this fat old—this—?
HELIOGABALUS
Rid your mind of prejudice, my dear. Observe the thing calmly and judicially. Granting all you say—though I am by no means granting it—the fact remains nevertheless that according to Roman—if not Christian—law, I am married to this lady—these ladies—and that that marriage—those marriages—is and are still legally binding. With the fact go certain obligations. I may deplore, as much as you do, their somewhat unwise and emotional appear—
LUCIA
Oh, what a—!
HELIOGABALUS
All I ask is that you try to—
LUCIA
Then you don't love me.
ANNIA
The idea!
HELIOGABALUS
I protest, my dear, that—
LUCIA
[Bursting into tears] Then you don't love me! Then you told me a falsehood! You aren't a Christian! I—I—I—
HELIOGABALUS
[Starting toward the door after her] My dear girl, I—
PAULA
[Resolutely] Let her go!
HELIOGABALUS
But she'll catch cold out there. Remember, she has on a very light—
CÆLESTIS
HELIOGABALUS
Really, Cælestis, you are quite savage.
PAULA
Who wouldn't be, the way we have been treated? [Conciliatingly] But I say nothing against you. I know how you are when such a minx gets after you.
HELIOGABALUS
Let us not discuss it.
PAULA
[Bitterly] No; what's the use? I have had eighteen years of it—first in the East and now here in Rome. I know you can't help it, poor old dear. One glance at such a doll and you are gone. [To the other wives] And now let us try to forget it. It's getting late.
HELIOGABALUS
[In alarm] What are you doing?
PAULA
[Grimly] Getting ready to go to bed. We are sleepy.
HELIOGABALUS
But, my dear—look, there is Rufinius still in the room!
PAULA
[With a bitter grin] Well, now he's gone.
[She continues disrobing]
HELIOGABALUS
But, but—this is really quite irregular. Let us wait until we are all a bit less excited, as it were. Now be a good girl. [Wheedlingly] Go back to bed in the North Wing, and let me collect my thoughts a bit.
PAULA
Here I am, and here I stay.
HELIOGABALUS
But in a minute Lucia'll be coming back, and then—
PAULA
If she comes back, I'll bite her again.
[She kicks off her sandals]
AQUILIA
[Emerging in nothing save a short shift] Do you think we would sleep in a bed with such a creature?
HELIOGABALUS
[Drawing his tunic over his head in wild alarm] But the poor girl must sleep somewhere.
PAULA
Let her sleep out in the corridor.
HELIOGABALUS
Very well, then. If she must sleep out there, then I sleep out there too!
PAULA
[Somewhat shaken] You're not going to leave us?
HELIOGABALUS
[Adjusting his tunic] I am going to leave us!
PAULA
Leave us here all alone?
HELIOGABALUS
Aren't there four of you?
PAULA
But with not a man in the room?
ANNIA
[Whimpering] Suppose burglars should break in?
HELIOGABALUS
[Sarcastically] Paula can deal with them.
PAULA
[In tears] No, I can't!
HELIOGABALUS
Then let Rufinius come in. He can have my bed.
PAULA
[With a yell] The idea! Do you accuse me of—
HELIOGABALUS
[At the door to the extreme left] I accuse you of nothing. [Opening the door] And now—
LUCIA
[In a faint voice] I am cold.
HELIOGABALUS
[Uncertainly] I was just coming out to—
LUCIA
[Catching sight of the wives—Paula in the middle of the floor in her chemise and the other three in ​bed—she gives a scream and totters toward the centre of the stage. There she does a grand faint at Paula's feet]
PAULA
[Leaping back] Oh, my God!
HELIOGABALUS
[Solemnly] You have killed her. She has frozen to death.
PAULA
[Alarmed] I did nothing of the sort. She went out of her own free will.
AQUILIA
[Jumping from bed] Get her into bed, quick!
HELIOGABALUS
[Reaching down and grabbing her under the arms] Get her into my bed.
PAULA
[Snivelling] I wouldn't have hurt her for the world.
HELIOGABALUS
Tell Rufinius to get those two doctors I pardoned.
CÆLESTIS
Rub her wrists.
ANNIA
Have you a key? Try a key at the back of her neck.
HELIOGABALUS
Cover her up!
AQUILIA
Try massaging her ears.
HELIOGABALUS
Go get some water.
PISO
[Idiotically, in great excitement] Which is the patient? [He looks from one wife to another, and then observes Lucia on the bed] Ah!
POLORUS
[Crowding to the front] Pass me the brandy.
PISO
Brandy? On what theory?
POLORUS
This is no time for theories, idiot! The patient needs help.
PISO
Well, how are you going to help her until you establish the diagnosis?
POLORUS
What could be plainer? A horse-doctor could see that she has fainted.
PISO
[Very learnedly] Suppose it is coma? Suppose she has been poisoned?
[PAULA gives a shriek]
POLORUS
Nonsense! Then where is your cyanosis?
PISO
Stop! I forbid it!
POLORUS
[Continuing with the brandy] I stand on my Hippocratic oath. I insist on the brandy.
PISO
I appeal to your decency. Don't kill the patient. [Paula screams again] Let me feel her pulse.
POLORUS
Stand back! You are suffocating her!
HELIOGABALUS
[Losing patience] Here, fools! Give me the goblet.
LUCIA
[An exclamation of terror] Oh! Oh! Take her away!
[Paula hops back in great confusion]
PAULA
[Ingratiatingly] Don't be afraid, dearie.
LUCIA
[Screams] She tried to stab me!
PAULA
[In great excitement] The idea! I never did anything—
LUCIA
I can see the devil standing behind her!
PAULA
Help!
POLORUS
[Rushing to the rescue] Brandy! Brandy! [A great hub-bub. The wives crowd around]
PISO
[Shrilly, over the tumult] I forbid it!
HELIOGABALUS
Give her air!
PAULA
[Still gasping, and rising to a sitting position on the floor] That Christian tried to put a spell on me. She has the evil eye.
LUCIA
[Shrilly, from the bed] There are devils in her! She is like the Gadarene swine.
PAULA
[Struggling to her feet, assisted by the doctors, the other wives and Heliogabalus] Liar!
LUCIA
She is possessed by demons, Cæsar.
PAULA
[Again in great fright] Let me out of here! I feel something coming over me!
AQUILIA
I feel it, too. I—I—
PISO
[Prancing about] Where is the ammonia? Who has the ammonia bottle?
PAULA
Let me out! Let me out!
POLORUS
Ammonia your grandmother! Where are the sedatives? Who took the poppy-water? Where is the poppy water? [He makes a wild search for it]
HELIOGABALUS
[Quietly] I think you're right. They need something to calm their nerves. [He finds and seizes the bottle] Ah, here it is! Ammonia would half kill them.
PISO
I protest!
PAULA
I want to get out of here.
[Rufinius tries to calm her]
HELIOGABALUS
One second, darling. [As Polorus offers her a goblet of the poppy-water] Now be a nice little girl, and swallow this medicine. It will make you dream beautifully.
PAULA
[Dubiously] What is it, doctor?
HELIOGABALUS
Never ask a doctor what anything is. Remember your manners. He mightn't know. It will make you dream that you are seventeen, and in love with a gladiator.
PAULA
You're sure it won't hurt me?
POLORUS
Oh, absolutely no.
PISO
I—
HELIOGABALUS
[To Piso] Silence! [To Paula] Now down with it.
PAULA
[Smacking her lips] It tastes like—it tastes like—
POLORUS
Exactly. And now for the other ladies. Who's next?
HELIOGABALUS
[Sharply] Cælestis!
POLORUS
[The goblet in hand] Ready?
HELIOGABALUS
Shut your eyes!
[Cælestis swallows the dose without a word]
POLORUS
[Refilling the goblet] Next!
HELIOGABALUS
Come, Aquilia.
AQUILIA
[Doubtfully] It won't make me fat?
POLORUS
Oh, surely not.
AQUILIA
You're positive?
HELIOGABALUS
Positive. Down with it. [She swallows the dose] And now little Annia. One, two, three!
POLORUS
Ah! So much for that!
HELIOGABALUS
[Herding the wives toward the door] And now you girls try to get some rest, and leave the doctors with poor Lucia. I'm afraid it may be a case for immediate operation. They'll have to examine her from head to foot.
LUCIA
[From the bed]] I won't have any operation! I won't be examined from head to foot! The power of the spirit is enough.
PISO
Oh, hardly.
LUCIA
[Petulantly] I refuse to be cut up!
HELIOGABALUS
Now, now, be calm. Look at the other girls. [To Paula] And now try to get some rest. I'll come out to see you immediately after the operation. [Moving her toward the door, the others following] Take things easily for—
PAULA
I feel so—
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, yes, but you'll feel better presently.
HELIOGABALUS
[To Polorus in a hoarse whisper] Give them all another dose—a double dose. Especially Paula. She has the stomach of a policeman.
PISO
[Ingratiatingly] Your Majesty's excellent suggestion of an operation is—
HELIOGABALUS
[Turning with great deliberation, and kicking Piso in the rear] Out!
LUCIA
That Paula is an old hyena, Cæsar. She tried to bite me.
HELIOGABALUS
[He seats himself on the edge of the big bed, his legs swinging in the open space between the two beds. His manner is that of weariness and resignation] Yes, she's somewhat—explosive. I am afraid she's sometimes unwise in the use of—er, stimulants?
LUCIA
Afraid? She's been drunk for months—ever since—
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, she's taken it very hard.
LUCIA
[Somewhat oratorically] Wine is a mocker. Strong drink is raging.
HELIOGABALUS
A mocker, yes—but also a consoler. Don't forget that poor old Paula must have time to get used to things. I daresay the new regulations rather oppress her.
LUCIA
You mean she longs for all those old dissipations— those banquets every night, and all that worldly carnality—and this room full of those awful women?
HELIOGABALUS
Exactly, though I doubt that she'd describe it in just that way. You see, she was brought up in Alexandria—a rather lively burg. It's all a matter of training. Here she had certain responsibilities, certain interesting duties—
LUCIA
Yes, I know what those duties were. They were sinful in the sight of God.
HELIOGABALUS
Perhaps. Nevertheless, they occupied her mind. Let us be just to her. She was competent. She knew ​her business. I never had any trouble with those girls while she was in charge of them.
LUCIA
Those scarlet women!
HELIOGABALUS
Now you are exaggerating. They are all quite respectable. My marriage to every one of them is, as I've told you, sound in Roman law.
LUCIA
But not in the eye of God. The Scripture says "A bishop shall have but one wife."
HELIOGABALUS
But I'm not a bishop.
LUCIA
Well, surely no one ought to be allowed more wives than a bishop.
HELIOGABALUS
Granted. But here they are.
LUCIA
Turn them away. Read the Word.
HELIOGABALUS
[A bit irritated] Yes, yes; I have read it. The theory is very lovely. It has affected me greatly; I have adopted it as you know. But here I have these girls legally on my hands, and surely you wouldn't ask me to—
LUCIA
You should be glad to get rid of them. Such a pack of—of—
HELIOGABALUS
Now, now, I must really forbid you. Paula, of course, is open to a certain criticism, at least æsthetically. And Cælestis is probably no stunner. But among the others there are certainly a number who—
LUCIA
[Tearfully] You don't love me in the proper Christian way!
HELIOGABALUS
What nonsense! I love you to an extreme degree. [He takes up and kisses her hand] My affection for you is really colossal. But let us be just. Surely it's absurd to say that all of them are—well, offensive. There are surely exceptions.
LUCIA
[Resolutely] Not one.
HELIOGABALUS
LUCIA
I see what is the matter. You are homesick for her and her kind. For her and the old infidel life.
HELIOGABALUS
Not at all. I merely remember her. That's all. I merely remember. A toothsome girl. But a lady. Her father was a philosopher in Athens . . . she wasn't in that crowd. She is naturally affectionate.
LUCIA
And kissing all the time, I suppose. Never a moment for the things of the spirit. Always the flesh.
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, by no means. I really wouldn't have permitted it. I quite agree with you there. Such things may be overdone. At my age.
LUCIA
But you like it, don't you?
HELIOGABALUS
[Looking at her sharply] Yes—on occasion. But there is where I agree with you: that is the precise reason why the thing should be limited. [A bit wistfully] If one kissed too much, one would be too happy. And that, of course, wouldn't do at all.
LUCIA
The happiness of this life is as dust.
HELIOGABALUS
[Grudgingly] So you tell me.
LUCIA
The happiness to come is eternal.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, I hope so. But, you see, my trouble is old Paula's. I was brought up wrong. I suppose it is incurable. I notice, at times, an almost irresistible lasciviousness—what you call worldliness. [Amorously] When I see you there in your nightie I forget all about Christianity and can hardly resist the temptation to throw my arms around you and give you a hug. I know it's wrong, but there it is.
LUCIA
[Somewhat shaken] Well, I shouldn't call it lasciviousness. And it isn't exactly wrong.
HELIOGABALUS
[Ironically] No?
LUCIA
The Scriptures say—
HELIOGABALUS
Ah? Then let us be glad they approve it, little pot-pie. It is pleasant to be virtuous—that is, more or less.
LUCIA
[Demurely after a pause] Do you want to kiss me?
HELIOGABALUS
[He begins slowly to take off his tunic. As he answers, it is over his head] I am perfectly willing. But, I warn you, I'm not going to stand any more Christian kisses. And what's more, if I'm interrupted any more by any low-comedy Palais Royal knocking on that dog-gone door just as I am on the point of—
HELIOGABALUS
[Wrathfully] What is it now? [An unintelligible answer from without] Hey? [Another mumble] I can't hear you. Come in.
RUFINIUS
I came in, Majesty, to report—
[He stops]
HELIOGABALUS
[Coming down toward Rufinius] What! I'm good and damn sick of this "I came in to report, Majesty," just as I'm about to— What's up? More trouble?
RUFINIUS
No, Majesty. The ladies are all asleep.
HELIOGABALUS
Hear, hear! And he "comes in to report, Majesty" just as Majesty is about to—
RUFINIUS
The Empress Paula is breathing very heavily. Majesty. The doctors are trying to revive her.
HELIOGABALUS
[In a sudden rage] What! Revive her! Seven thousand loud damns. Tell them to give her another dose of the same—give them another dose all 'round. Tell those quacks that—the infernal boobies! Off go their toes if a single patient wakes—and both ears. Now quick, before they revive her!
[Pushes Rufinius toward the door]
RUFINIUS
As you order. Majesty. But there is another matter.
HELIOGABALUS
What is it, foul fool?
RUFINIUS
Another one of the ladies has come over from the North Wing—Dacia.
HELIOGABALUS
[Softening] Ah, Dacia! What does she want? Surely she—
RUFINIUS
Oh, not at all. She asked me to inquire how her Majesty is, and if you yourself are feeling quite well.
HELIOGABALUS
Ah, very thoughtful of her. Tell her I am quite well. And don't forget to thank her. Remember, Rufinius, give her my thanks.
RUFINIUS
[Going to the door] As you order, Emperor.
HELIOGABALUS
Tell her not to neglect her music lessons. And—but just say I may want to see her for an instant tomorrow—some business—of state—that I had forgotten.
RUFINIUS
As ordered, Majesty.
[He goes out]
LUCIA
You are still thinking of that heathen Dacia.
HELIOGABALUS
Nonsense, sweet potato. You are really quite absurd. [Suddenly irritated] Damn it all, a man must be polite.
LUCIA
[Jealously] But you used to love her before I converted you to the Faith.
HELIOGABALUS
[Starting to take off his tunic again] Ah, who knows? Love—what is it? A sort of optical delusion, an enchantment—almost alcoholic.
LUCIA
Love comes from the soul.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, even the soul takes a hack at it.
[He starts to climb into the small bed]
LUCIA
[Loudly] Where are you going?
HELIOGABALUS
[His leg in mid-air, coaxing in baby-like tone] Please! I don't want to sleep over there—[indicating the big bed]—in Siberia. It's so cold—and when I get cold it always gives me my stomach-ache.
LUCIA
No! One must not think of the flesh, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
But you're my wife, aren't you? You wouldn't have me freeze to death?
LUCIA
But not a pagan wife. I am a Christian wife.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, doesn't a Christian wife promise to cherish her husband? [Still coaxing, and shivering] Please!
LUCIA
No.
HELIOGABALUS
Please, please!
LUCIA
Again, no, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
[With a weary sigh, crawling into the big bed] Lucia, I can't understand you or this Christianity either. What's the idea of trying to make people miserable by forbidding them to do what they want to, and then, when they're unhappy about it, telling them they're awfully happy but don't know it?
HELIOGABALUS
Anyway, I don't seem to get used to this going to bed sober. [He props himself up in bed, and rambles on without paying much heed to Lucia] Now, you were saying that love is of the soul. But see what a conclusion it brings you to: then even old Paula must have a soul, for old Paula used to love me.
LUCIA
[Sleepily] Paula, too, has an immortal soul.
HELIOGABALUS
The gods forbid! [Humorously] But what of, er—what of, say Dacia, for example?
LUCIA
[Yawning] This Dacia, too, has a soul.
HELIOGABALUS
Nobly spoken. And much better news! [Half dreamily] But what is this so-called soul you speak of? Is it a gas? Has it got length, breadth, thickness? Is the soul in the body, or the body in the soul? When I used to cut a Christian into two halves, which half was the soul in? Was it divided too? Well, then, suppose I had him run through a sausage cutter, and he came out, say, in four million pieces: was the soul in four million pieces, too? You say that the soul re-enters the body on the day of judgment. Well, suppose I take two Jews and cut off their heads, and put the head of A on the body of B, and vice versa. Does the soul of A go into the body of A or into the head of A, which is on the body of B? If it goes into the head, is it responsible for the sins of the body of B? [He reaches over and, slyly watching Lucia out of the comer of his eye, pours out a goblet of the brandy which the doctors have left there, slowly sipping it with much lip smacking as he goes on] Do you follow me?
LUCIA
[Half asleep] Oh, how you talk, Cæsar!
HELIOGABALUS
Talk? Talking is my trade, little icicle. Talk is the heart's blood of politics. . . . And of love, I used to have even greater skill than I have today. He had a smooth and slippery tongue, had Heliogabalus. Years ago, when I was a lieutenant in the army, I used to—[sighs] Well, they were all willing: my conscience is perfectly clear. As the lawyers say. Caveat emptor. When a girl has a taste for epigrams she must be careful: a man of my wit is dangerous. I'll never forget my poor dear first wife—good old Marcia. It was an epigram that made her fall in love with me. I remember the circumstances perfectly. She was complaining that love was beyond her comprehension—that it was ineffable, indescribable, transcendental. "Love," I replied, with droll perspicacity, "Love," I replied, "is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."
[He chuckles]
LUCIA
[Yawns audibly, and turns over]
HELIOGABALUS
You interrupt me, cold darling. What I was about to say is that poor old Marcia laughed so hard she rolled clear out of bed. An old joke—as old as the Babylonians. But fact! You should have heard the ​bump when she landed on her—[a sidelong glance]—her upholstery. I had to haul her back into bed. [He sips again] Ah, love, indeed! A short preface to a long book! [He pauses and waits for appreciation. No sound comes from Lucia. He goes on in a slightly louder voice] Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. [Another inquiring glance at Lucia] When loves dies there is never any funeral: the corpse remains in the house. [Another] A woman in love is less modest than a man: she has less to be ashamed of. [A longish pause. He takes a deep draught] Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. [Lucia is still silent. He lifts himself to his elbow and regards her contemplatively. He calls her softly] Lucia! Sweet Lucia! . . . Asleep! [A sigh] Christianity is fatal to the—er—epigram. How Marcia used to giggle! And little Dacia! Dacia has a sense of humour. An intelligent girl, Dacia. And how her nose puckers when she is a bit—squiffed. Somehow, I—[He empties the goblet and composes himself. The regular breathing of Lucia can be heard] This Christianity may be all right in the daytime, but at night—[Suddenly, from somewhere below the window there comes the soft, low sound of a girl's voice, raised in song. It is a song of love and passion, and Heliogabalus sits up in bed to listen. Toward the end he glances at Lucia, scarcely concealing a rising aversion. The song ended, he settles himself, wets his lips, and smiles amorously]
HELIOGABALUS
[In a caressing whisper] Dacia!
Curtain