# The Knickerbocker Gallery/A Charade

Layout 2
George Wood
A Charade.
By George Wood.
IN THREE SCENES.
| Mr. Crusty, an old bachelor. | Mrs. Lovely, a young widow. |
| Dick Driver, lover of Sophy. | Sophy, maid to Mr. Crusty. |
SCENE I.
Mr. Crusty is discovered in a parlor, reading a newspaper. He throws down the paper, and speaks:
A MISERABLE set of scoundrels! What a thin veil to cover over the hook this is! Alas!
[Goes to the window and looks out.
What a beautiful night it is! What a jingling of sleigh-bells, and what a scene of gladness in the streets! And here I am, an old bachelor, confined by rheumatism, solitary and alone. That was a most miserable mistake I made twenty years ago, not to have secured the love of some loving heart, whose presence would have poured a flood of light into the depths of my darkened soul; and here I am at the ​disposal of that young gal of mine, neglectful of me because her head is full of some body else. Sophy! Sophy! What can have become of the gal? [Looks out at window.] Ah! there she is, standing on the doorstep, bare-headed, looking up and down for that harum-scarum lover of hers. [Raps on the window.]
Enter Sophy, who makes ready to set the table.
Why is my dinner delayed! I have been waiting for two hours for my dinner. What am I to have?
Sophy. You are to have no dinner; the doctor said you must diet yourself upon tea and toast.
Mr. C. The doctor be hanged! I won't starve to please him. Bring me up that cold turkey and canvas-back duck; roast me some potatoes; make me some toast and a cup of strong coffee.
Sophy. It can't be. The doctor must be obeyed.
Mr. Crusty. Say to Doctor Hall I've changed my physician, and have called in Doctor Green. I want something to eat, and I will have it. If Allopathy won't give me food, Homeopathy will.
Sophy. You must be content for to-night with tea and toast, for I've nothing better for you.
Mr. Crusty. Nothing for me! Where's the turkey roasted yesterday! Where's that canvas-back duck the widow Simpkins sent over to me? I hate to receive her gifts, but for this time I will thank her heartily. Go! bring up my dinner. Do n't delay a moment. [putting his hand on her shoulder, and hurrying her toward the door.]
Sophy stops at the door, and, turning round, says:]
You can't have the turkey, nor the duck. You must diet for tonight, any how.
Mr. Crusty. I will have it!
Sophy. You can't have it!
Mr. Crusty. Who says 'can't' to me?
Sophy, [with a low curtsey,] I say it; and for sufficient reasons, Old Tom came in and ate up the turkey for his dinner; and I ate the canvas-back duck for mine; and there's nothing left for you but what the doctor ordered—tea and toast. [Aside.] Master's mad as a March hare!
[Exit
​Mr. Crusty. Is not this beyond all endurance? And yet this wild girl is the most kindly-disposed servant I have had for the last two years; who plunders me least, and sometimes has a heart of sympathy. That Dick Driver takes up too much of her time. I must marry her off; I see that clearly.
The bell rings. Sophy enters and says:
Mrs. Simpkins has called over to see Mr. Crusty. What shall I say, Sir?
Mr. Crusty. Tell her I am lying down before the fire, in great misery, and can't see her; and when she goes out, bolt the door. Thank her for the duck you eat for me, you minx.
Sophy goes out and says, aside:
Mad still!
Mr. Crusty, [solus.] Was ever such a wretched man as I? Left by my nieces for their new-found homes and husbands, I sit here for hours alone, with no body to care for me but this gal, who comes between me and all the nice things my lady friends send me day by day; all because I did not marry at twenty-five. A most miserable mistake I have made of it. Alas! 'tis now too late.
Sophy enters with tea things and a loaf of bread. Mr. Crusty takes his seat, and exclaims:
And is this all? This is prisoner's fare!
Sophy. And are you not a prisoner! Have n't you said so, a hundred times this very day?
Mr. Crusty. What sort of bread is this? [taking up the loaf and looking at it angrily.]
Sophy. It is wheat bread, Sir. I bought it at Mr. Havennus' for wheat.
Mr. Crusty, [rising in a rage.] I tell you it is rye bread.
Sophy. I say it is not rye.
Mr. Crusty. Get you gone, you huzzy, and take your rye bread with you.
Exit Sophy, with the bread saying:
It is not rye, if I die for 't. [Aside.] Is n't he mad?
SCENE II.
Enter Dick Driver, with a whip in his hand, a box-coat on, and a cap in his hand, with Sophy following.
Dick. My pretty Sophy, you know you love me, and why do you deny it?
Sophy. I love you! Who told you so?
Dick. You told me so with your own sweet lips.
Sophy. Are you crazy? I never told you so.
Dick. Do you deny it? Do you forget who brought you home last Sunday night, from meeting? and after I had eaten supper with you, do you not remember that you went with me to the back-door, and just before you unhasped the door, that I put my arms round your waist, and—you kissed me, Sophy?
Sophy. And how dare you remind me of it, if I did? It was unmaidenly in me to do so, and it is most impertinent in you to tell me of it.
Dick. Well, Sophy, I did n't suppose you played at fast-and-loose with any one, or that you ever gave a kiss where you had not before given your love. I hate a flirt!
Sophy. What did you come here for? to pick a quarrel with me?
Dick. No, indeed, I did not. But it is so nice a night, that I thought you would like to take a sleigh-ride with me, and it was to ask you I came; but no matter!
Sophy. And why did n't you say so at first, and so have saved me all this bother?
Dick. And will you go?
Sophy. If Mr. Crusty will give me leave.
Dick. And you do love me, Sophy?
Sophy. I love to go a sleigh-riding with you, Dick.
Dick. And to kiss me at the back-door in the dark, but not in the parlor; that won't do for me.
Sophy. It will do for you. You shall never have it in your power to remind me of what, if I am willing to do, I am not willing ever to ​be told of doing. Hush now ! Mr. Crusty 's coming. If you want me to go a-sleigh-riding, ask his leave.
Enter Mr. Crusty.
Mr. Crusty. How now, Dick? What are you doing here?
Dick, [bows.] I came to ask your permission for Sophy to go out on a sleigh-ride with me.
Mr. Crusty. And what have you to say to it, my young gal?
Sophy. Please do n't call me gal, Sir. Call me Sophy.
Mr. Crusty. That's no answer to my question. Tell me, gal, is this young man your lover?
Sophy. He says he is.
Mr. Crusty. And what do you say?
Sophy. I say nothing.
Mr. Crusty. Nothing! What right has he to ask me this permission in your presence without your leave?
Sophy. He does many things without asking my leave.
Mr. Crusty. He does! A pretty gal you! Have I warned you to keep yourself away from these young chaps, and here comes one and asks to take you out a-sleigh-riding? I am ready to give my consent when I know he has sought yours as his wife, and has obtained it. What say you, Sir?
Dick. I am ready to marry Sophy on sight.
Mr. Crusty, [to Sophy.] What does Sophy say? a sleigh-ride and a husband, or no husband and no sleigh-ride?
Sophy. If you want to get rid of me, Mr. Crusty, I am only too happy that Dick is ready to take me off your hands.
[Exeunt Dick and Sophy.
Mr. Crusty, [solus.] I think I shall be happier to know Dick and Sophy are married, and, too, I believe it is the best way to secure my own happiness. I shall enjoy, in a quiet way, the honeymoon below ​stairs.
[Some one knocks at the parlor door.
[The knocking is repeated.
Mr. Crusty. Come in!
Enter Mrs. Lovely.
Mrs. Lovely. All alone, Mr. Crusty?
Mr. Crusty. Certainly; always alone!
Mrs. Lovely. Oh! it is so hard to be all alone!
Mr. Crusty. Pray, what do you know about solitude? You are a young lady still; a widow of a year's growth; young, quite young; and what do you know of being all alone?
Mrs. Lovely. And have n't I had a world-wide experience? Have I not loved, and can I ever cease to feel the want of my Henry's presence, and his voice to soothe and encourage me? Oh! how can I cease to be wretched, when, with a woman's heart, I am alone?
Mr. Crusty. Why in the world do n't you marry? There is Ned Dashall, who has been following you like a shadow; why not make him happy, as you know how?
Mrs. Lovely. Do you think it would be wise in me to marry a man whose only recommendation is his youth? Dear Mr. Crusty, you do n't know the heart of a loving woman! It is truth, talent, and virtue I love; and I do wish I had such a heart to love me!
Mr. Crusty. You are very candid. Why do n't you advertise for a husband?
Mrs. Lovely. O, Mr. Crusty, enough of this badinage. I did n't come here to talk about marrying. But here 's a paper Lawyer Sparrowhawk has sent me by his man, and says I must return it to him signed, and there 's no time for delay. It is something about the cotton lands in Alabama. And here 's a letter from the Auditor of the State, saying, unless taxes are paid up at once on these lands, they will be sold. Now, I never heard of these lands before. I would not sign this paper till you had seen it, for I can trust no one but you. I am a poor widow, with no one to advise me.
​Mr. Crusty. How can you say so? Not a day has passed since the death of your heels-over-head husband, that I have not been at work to save you from the net- work of embarrassments in which he has involved all your property and his own.
Mrs. Lovely. Do n't, do n't! I can 't hear one word said to the disparagement of dear Henry. He was always a loving husband to me.
Mr. Crusty. Let me see that paper. [Reads the paper; lays it down with emotion] That lawyer is a nice nut for the devil to crack one of these days. My poor child ! there 's no saving you from rascality, but by marrying you myself.
Mrs. Lovely. You, you, my dear Mr. Crusty? Oh! you do n't mean what you say!
Mr. Crusty. I do, from the very bottom of my soul!
Mrs. Lovely. And are you indeed, indeed serious?
Mr. Crusty. Never more so in my life. You need a husband to take care of your affairs; I need a wife to take care of me. The exchange is most unequal on your part, to marry an old man like me. Ah ! I made a mistake twenty years ago, and I have been finding it out for ten years past ; but I feared it was too late to confess it to any lady, and I do now tell it to you, my lady.
Mrs. Lovely. Oh! it is great joy to me to hear it; to know it is now told to me by yourself. To me!
Mr. Crusty. You are an angel, and I shall clip your wings before you fly away. Now, then, will you marry me?
Mrs. Lovely. I will, six months hence; for, you know, I must have time to make all suitable preparations for such an event. I must first lay aside my weeds.
Mr. Crusty. Not an hour! In matters of this sort, especially, there 's danger in delay. Do n't you reflect that your "dear five hundred fashionable friends" will all do their best to put me out of your head. They will tell you, and tell you truly, I am too old for you. They will count every gray hair in my head, and tell you the exact number.
Mrs. Lovely. If all the world were to unite, it would not move me. No, never!
​Mr. Crusty. Ah! well. It may be true of a woman; but, I fear, if the outcry of all the Mr. and Mrs. Grundys of our town should not move you, they would move me.
Mrs. Lovely. O Mr. Crusty, do n't say so.
Mr. Crusty. Yes, but I do say so; and upon my soul, I believe they will be in the right, and I, for the first time in my life, will be all in the wrong. They will tell me what a fool I am, on the shady side of forty-five, to marry a young widow, who will be made miserable for life by her folly and mine ; and upon my soul, I think they will have the right of it.
Mrs. Lovely. Oh! no! I do n't care a pin what people may say; they always will talk, and let them. I will marry you.
Mr. Crusty. Now or never, then, my sweet lady; at once. If I am to do a foolish act, let it be done now. If it be an act of folly, we shall find it out, all in good time, and save our friends the trouble of doing so in advance.
Mrs. Lovely. Yes, it will be best; for though they never could change my mind, they might make us feel, for a time, unhappy.
Mr. Crusty. We won't give 'em a chance.
Dick and Sophy are heard in the entry. They enter.
Mr. Crusty. I hope you have enjoyed your ride, and now, Mister Dick, I want the use of the sleigh for myself. Sophy, bring me my hat and cloak.
Sophy. Are you mad, Mr. Crusty, to be going out; and, pray, what for?
Mr. Crusty. Mrs. Lovely and myself are going down, with you and Dick, to Doctor Butler's, to see you safely married.
Sophy. Bless me, Sir ! I am not ready to be married, nor Dick either.
Mr. Crusty. Well, if you are not, Mrs. Lovely and I are; so bring me my hat and cloak, and you and Dick may follow our example, if you choose.
Sophy. Is it so, Mrs. Lovely?
Mrs. Lovely. Yes, it is all true.
Sophy, [to Dick, aside.] I fear master is mad as a March hare.
​Dick, [aside.] Mad! to marry so sweet a lady!
Sophy, [aside.] If she comes here, my nose will be put all awry.
Dick, [aside.] Marry me, my dear gal!
Sophy, [aside.] I won't be called gal.
Dick, [aside.] Let me call you wife, then.
Mr. Crusty, [who, while this has been going on, has had his hat and cloak put on by Mrs. Lovely, who has put her own scarf around his neck with utmost care and regard.] What is all that whispering about?
Dick. Sophy consents to follow the example of her kind master, and we will all be happy together.
[Exeunt all.
SCENE III.
Enter Dick and Sophy.
Sophy. What makes you so glum?
Dick. I do n't like the way we were married.
Sophy. Do you dare tell me you are so soon sorry you have made me your wife?
Dick. I am not sorry for that, Sophy; but I do n't like, what the minister said.
Sophy. What did he say?
Dick. Why, when he had got through almost, he pronounced us "man and wife." I wonder if I was n't a man before!
Sophy. No, indeed. You were no body; and, let me tell you, you are not the first no body who has been made some body by marrying a wife.
DICK, [muses a little, and then speaks.] I've a great notion to go back and have it done over again.
Sophy. For why?
​Dick. I'll tell you for why. The parson made us all stand up together, with Mr. Crusty and Mrs. Lovely, so as to save time.
Sophy. Well, what then?
Dick. It seems to me too much like saying grace over a barrel of pork.
Sophy. If Doctor Butler had married us separately, what is the difference.
Dick. Ah! then I would have stopped the parson until you said, out loud, "I will," and not made a bow and said in your heart, "I won't."
Sophy. How do you know I said, "I won't?"
Dick. Do n't I read you like a book? When he said, "Wilt thou obey him and serve him?" and all that, you brought your lips to a pinch, and said to yourself, "I won't." Did n't you now?
Sophy. Yes, I did; and I mean what I said then, and say now. I won't obey you when I think my way is the best; and now I may as well tell you once for all—I make a fair bargain with you—I will take charge of the inside of the house, and you shall take the outside. If you are industrious, honest, and cheerful, outside, you shall find the inside of the house as warm and as snug as a dove's nest; but if you do n't, you will find yourself lying on a bed of thorns.
Enter Mr. Crusty and lady.
Mrs. Crusty. Why! quarrelling with your new husband, Sophy!
Sophy. Oh! no, Madam; I was only telling Dick what I expected of him, and what he might expect of me.
Mr. Crusty, [to Dick.] She has promised you, as I heard just now, a bed of thorns. Do n't you wish yourself unmarried, Dick?
Dick. I have no fears for Sophy. Love shall never be wanting on my part; and it is love, and not duty, on which I rely to control any waywardness of my young wife.
They sing in quartette: