# The History of the Adventures of Joseph Andrews and his Friend, Mr. Abraham Abrams/Book I, Chapter VIII

CHAPTER VIII.
_In which, after some very fine writing, the history goes on, and
relates the interview between the lady and Joseph; where the latter hath
set an example which we despair of seeing followed by his sex in this
vicious age._
Now the rake Hesperus had called for his breeches, and, having well
rubbed his drowsy eyes, prepared to dress himself for all night; by
whose example his brother rakes on earth likewise leave those beds in
which they had slept away the day. Now Thetis, the good housewife, began
to put on the pot, in order to regale the good man Phoebus after his
daily labours were over. In vulgar language, it was in the evening when
Joseph attended his lady's orders.
But as it becomes us to preserve the character of this lady, who is the
heroine of our tale; and as we have naturally a wonderful tenderness for
that beautiful part of the human species called the fair sex; before we
discover too much of her frailty to our reader, it will be proper to
give him a lively idea of the vast temptation, which overcame all the
efforts of a modest and virtuous mind; and then we humbly hope his good
nature will rather pity than condemn the imperfection of human virtue.
[Illustration]
Nay, the ladies themselves will, we hope, be induced, by considering the
uncommon variety of charms which united in this young man's person, to
bridle their rampant passion for chastity, and be at least as mild as
their violent modesty and virtue will permit them, in censuring the
conduct of a woman who, perhaps, was in her own disposition as chaste
as those pure and sanctified virgins who, after a life innocently spent
in the gaieties of the town, begin about fifty to attend twice _per
diem_ at the polite churches and chapels, to return thanks for the grace
which preserved them formerly amongst beaus from temptations perhaps
less powerful than what now attacked the Lady Booby.
Mr Joseph Andrews was now in the one-and-twentieth year of his age. He
was of the highest degree of middle stature; his limbs were put together
with great elegance, and no less strength; his legs and thighs were
formed in the exactest proportion; his shoulders were broad and brawny,
but yet his arm hung so easily, that he had all the symptoms of strength
without the least clumsiness. His hair was of a nut-brown colour, and
was displayed in wanton ringlets down his back; his forehead was high,
his eyes dark, and as full of sweetness as of fire; his nose a little
inclined to the Roman; his teeth white and even; his lips full, red, and
soft; his beard was only rough on his chin and upper lip; but his
cheeks, in which his blood glowed, were overspread with a thick down;
his countenance had a tenderness joined with a sensibility
inexpressible. Add to this the most perfect neatness in his dress, and
an air which, to those who have not seen many noblemen, would give an
idea of nobility.
Such was the person who now appeared before the lady. She viewed him
some time in silence, and twice or thrice before she spake changed her
mind as to the manner in which she should begin. At length she said to
him, "Joseph, I am sorry to hear such complaints against you: I am told
you behave so rudely to the maids, that they cannot do their business in
quiet; I mean those who are not wicked enough to hearken to your
solicitations. As to others, they may, perhaps, not call you rude; for
there are wicked sluts who make one ashamed of one's own sex, and are as
ready to admit any nauseous familiarity as fellows to offer it: nay,
there are such in my family, but they shall not stay in it; that
impudent trollop who is with child by you is discharged by this time."
As a person who is struck through the heart with a thunderbolt looks
extremely surprised, nay, and perhaps is so too--thus the poor Joseph
received the false accusation of his mistress; he blushed and looked
confounded, which she misinterpreted to be symptoms of his guilt, and
thus went on:--
"Come hither, Joseph: another mistress might discard you for these
offences; but I have a compassion for your youth, and if I could be
certain you would be no more guilty--Consider, child," laying her hand
carelessly upon his, "you are a handsome young fellow, and might do
better; you might make your fortune." "Madam," said Joseph, "I do assure
your ladyship I don't know whether any maid in the house is man or
woman." "Oh fie! Joseph," answered the lady, "don't commit another crime
in denying the truth. I could pardon the first; but I hate a lyar."
"Madam," cries Joseph, "I hope your ladyship will not be offended at my
asserting my innocence; for, by all that is sacred, I have never offered
more than kissing." "Kissing!" said the lady, with great discomposure of
countenance, and more redness in her cheeks than anger in her eyes; "do
you call that no crime? Kissing, Joseph, is as a prologue to a play. Can
I believe a young fellow of your age and complexion will be content with
kissing? No, Joseph, there is no woman who grants that but will grant
more; and I am deceived greatly in you if you would not put her closely
to it. What would you think, Joseph, if I admitted you to kiss me?"
Joseph replied he would sooner die than have any such thought. "And
yet, Joseph," returned she, "ladies have admitted their footmen to such
familiarities; and footmen, I confess to you, much less deserving them;
fellows without half your charms--for such might almost excuse the
crime. Tell me therefore, Joseph, if I should admit you to such freedom,
what would you think of me?--tell me freely." "Madam," said Joseph, "I
should think your ladyship condescended a great deal below yourself."
"Pugh!" said she; "that I am to answer to myself: but would not you
insist on more? Would you be contented with a kiss? Would not your
inclinations be all on fire rather by such a favour?" "Madam," said
Joseph, "if they were, I hope I should be able to controul them, without
suffering them to get the better of my virtue." You have heard, reader,
poets talk of the statue of Surprize; you have heard likewise, or else
you have heard very little, how Surprize made one of the sons of Croesus
speak, though he was dumb. You have seen the faces, in the
eighteen-penny gallery, when, through the trap-door, to soft or no
music, Mr. Bridgewater, Mr. William Mills, or some other of ghostly
appearance, hath ascended, with a face all pale with powder, and a shirt
all bloody with ribbons;--but from none of these, nor from Phidias or
Praxiteles, if they should return to life--no, not from the inimitable
pencil of my friend Hogarth, could you receive such an idea of surprize
as would have entered in at your eyes had they beheld the Lady Booby
when those last words issued out from the lips of Joseph. "Your virtue!"
said the lady, recovering after a silence of two minutes; "I shall never
survive it. Your virtue!--intolerable confidence! Have you the assurance
to pretend, that when a lady demeans herself to throw aside the rules of
decency, in order to honour you with the highest favour in her power,
your virtue should resist her inclination? that, when she had conquered
her own virtue, she should find an obstruction in yours?" "Madam," said
Joseph, "I can't see why her having no virtue should be a reason against
my having any; or why, because I am a man, or because I am poor, my
virtue must be subservient to her pleasures." "I am out of patience,"
cries the lady: "did ever mortal hear of a man's virtue? Did ever the
greatest or the gravest men pretend to any of this kind? Will
magistrates who punish lewdness, or parsons who preach against it, make
any scruple of committing it? And can a boy, a stripling, have the
confidence to talk of his virtue?" "Madam," says Joseph, "that boy is
the brother of Pamela, and would be ashamed that the chastity of his
family, which is preserved in her, should be stained in him. If there
are such men as your ladyship mentions, I am sorry for it; and I wish
they had an opportunity of reading over those letters which my father
hath sent me of my sister Pamela's; nor do I doubt but such an example
would amend them." "You impudent villain!" cries the lady in a rage; "do
you insult me with the follies of my relation, who hath exposed himself
all over the country upon your sister's account? a little vixen, whom I
have always wondered my late Lady Booby ever kept in her house. Sirrah!
get out of my sight, and prepare to set out this night; for I will order
you your wages immediately, and you shall be stripped and turned away."
"Madam," says Joseph, "I am sorry I have offended your ladyship, I am
sure I never intended it." "Yes, sirrah," cries she, "you have had the
vanity to misconstrue the little innocent freedom I took, in order to
try whether what I had heard was true. O' my conscience, you have had
the assurance to imagine I was fond of you myself." Joseph answered, he
had only spoke out of tenderness for his virtue; at which words she
flew into a violent passion, and refusing to hear more, ordered him
instantly to leave the room.
He was no sooner gone than she burst forth into the following
exclamation:--"Whither doth this violent passion hurry us? What
meannesses do we submit to from its impulse! Wisely we resist its first
and least approaches; for it is then only we can assure ourselves the
victory. No woman could ever safely say, so far only will I go. Have I
not exposed myself to the refusal of my footman? I cannot bear the
reflection." Upon which she applied herself to the bell, and rung it
with infinite more violence than was necessary--the faithful Slipslop
attending near at hand: to say the truth, she had conceived a suspicion
at her last interview with her mistress, and had waited ever since in
the antechamber, having carefully applied her ears to the keyhole during
the whole time that the preceding conversation passed between Joseph
and the lady.