# The Kaleidoscope; or, Literary and Scientific Mirror/Series 2/Volume 4/Number 194/The Dog With Two Masters

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Translation of "Zwei Herren für einen Hund" from Erzählungen und Schwänke volume 1 (1818).
THE DOG WITH TWO MASTERS.
[Original Translation from the German of Frederic Laun.]
[CONTINUED FROM OUR LAST.]
Chapter 6th.—Preparations for the Ball.—Jeremiah Schnackenberger was not naturally of a ferocious disposition; but a military dress had been introduced by some young men of his acquaintance, and he had adopted it, because it freed him from the company of fops, who were his decided aversion. He never began a quarrel himself; but, when he was engaged in one, he made the best of it, and gave as good as he received. For the rest, he attached no great importance to the dress of other people; and he thought they had no right to take notice of his own. He dried himself at a large fire, without caring whether the ablution had improved or disfigured his appearance; yet, as he cast, from time to time, a glance through the window, he could not help remarking, that, among all the passengers, there was not one that looked at all like himself and his friends, and that he should make himself rather too conspicuous by going to a ball in his usual costume: he resolved, therefore, to effect some slight alteration in that respect.
He sent for several tailors, and desired to have either a new coat or to have his surtout shortened in such a manner as to make it look like one: but the tailors declared, unanimously, that they could not enter into any fresh engagements for the day, because they had already more work on hand than they could possibly finish; but, that any day after the present, they should be most happy to serve him. The shoe-makers were not more accommodating; for, although some of them had a stock on hand, their shoes were all too small for his feet. He addressed himself, in this emergency, to his landlady, and she kindly opened forthwith all her trunks and chests for his service: the wardrobe of her late husband had been considerable, but unfortunately his shoes would not fit, and his coats were not only half-an-ell too short, but they had also such a butcher-like appearance, that they could not be turned to any use. Urged to desperation, by so many disappointments, Jeremiah seized at last a pair of large scissors, and cut off the superfluous part of his surtout, which was thus transformed into a dress-coat, in spite of what the tailors had said about the impossibility of the thing and the shortness of the time. This having been accomplished, the boots were also sacrificed, and cut down to a pair of ball-shoes, which had every desirable solidity, and no other defect but that of a rigid stiffness, which would not allow the slender and elegant buckles to take sufficient hold; so that it was necessary for him to move his foot with great caution, to prevent them from springing off. This circumstance proved the more troublesome, as such a manner of walking was in direct opposition to Mr. Schnackenberger’s general habits, and formed a complete contrast to the rest of his demeanour; but it could not be helped. All other needful articles of dress were easily procured; and the hostess declared, upon her conscience, that there would not be a better-looking man than her guest in the whole room. She promised to take care of Jupiter; but was of opinion that the fine silver-chased pipe ought to be taken ​by way of ornament; and to this recommendation the proprietor lent a willing ear.
Chapter 7th.—Jeremiah Schnackenberger falls in love with the Princess.—The ball was given in honour of the King’s birth-day, and the company was of the most brilliant description; it may, therefore, easily be imagined what kind of sensation the grotesque appearance of our hero excited; many of the persons present recognised him, either as the horseman of the preceding day, or as the swine-rider of the morning; but both events were forgotton in the surprise produced by his present entrance. The lining of his ci-devant surtout was loosened from the cloth, and the pockets protruded between the openings, because one was weighed down by his heavy purse, and the other by his large pipe, of which the mouth-piece projected also at the top of its temporary residence. Jeremiah paced along with great deliberation and almost maidenly demureness, lest he should lose his shoe-buckles; his eyes sought the Princess, but he had already been pointed out to her, and she very kindly sent one of her attendants to meet him for the purpose of pointing out to him the disorder that reigned in his toilet, and of offering to assist him to remedy it. Mr. Schnackenberger scarcely knew whether he should laugh at what was pointed out to him, or be ashamed of it; but he availed himself, with great glee, of the proffered service; he stepped with the messenger into a side-room, where another coat and a decent pair of shoes were procured and appropriated to his use; after this he re-entered the saloon and cut a tolerable figure. He took the first opportunity to join his patroness, and to express his thanks. Her friendly and condescending manners placed him so much at his ease, that he candidly told her the reason of his singular appearance; she was amused with these details, and as she thought that the man was, after all, not quite so foolish as he looked, she prolonged the conversation, in order to procure him also the favourable opinion of the public by her apparent countenance. Jeremiah felt more and more at home; for, although he had nothing of the fop about him, he judged quite as advantageously of his own merits as most people do, and he thought that there was no harm in pushing one’s fortune if one happened to have a good opportunity of doing so. He kept as close to the fair lady as possible; and as, in the course of conversation, she had declared that she was fond of botany, he offered her, without ceremony, to spend the principal part of his time in her company, in order to direct her studies in a branch of science to which he had particularly devoted himself. Upon this the Princess thought it high time to break off the conference: she said, in a loud and almost angry tone, that she would take his proposal into consideration, and withdrew suddenly from him. The latter was astounded at this unexpected retreat; and his surprise amounted to confusion, when he perceived himself to be the laughing-stock of a Mr. De Pilsen, who seemed to have observed him with scrutinizing attention from the very beginning. He retired into an anti-room, and threw himself upon a sofa, without taking any notice of what was passing around him; he sat there for a considerable time with his hands upon his eyes; but when he finally changed his position, he found a paper upon his knees, which contained the following words, in apparently female characters: “We are too much observed here. To-morrow morning, at nine o’clock; the parts of the neighbouring mountain, which abound in fine plants, afford a convenient rendezvous.” This must be from her, thought Jeremiah: he put the note into his pocket, and was himself again.
Chapter 8th, in which Jupiter acts the principal part.—When Mrs. Liquorice engaged to keep the dog within her premises, she undertook rather more than she was able to accomplish; she treated him, indeed, with a most splendid supper, and his attention was further rivetted to the spot, as long as there was any appearance of cooking and eating going on in the house; but as soon as every transaction of the kind was finally settled for that night, nothing could prevent him from tracing the steps of his master. The numerous servants of the Princess were, at first, unwilling to admit him; but, on second consideration, it was found more advisable to entice him into the back-yard, where a kennel and a strong chain happened to be vacant. A clever scullion succeeded in fastening him, unawares, to the latter; and all would have been well, if the favourite cat of an old Countess had not passed through the yard before the door could be fastened. This sight enraged Jupiter to such a degree that he broke chain, kennel, and all, to fly at the enemy. The cat fled for protection to the assembly-room, and, in her anxiety, over the table of refreshments, with her pursuer close at her heels. Punch, lemonade, and glasses went smash to the ground; the dance was interrupted, and the most dreadful confusion prevailed at the moment, when Jeremiah returned to the room; his voice made Jupiter immediately desist, but the mischief was done. Several people had been hurt; and it was some time before any thing like gaiety could be restored. It required no great skill in physiognomy to read upon the countenances of the assembly what were the general sentiments; and when the beast was led away by its master, the latter heard, in passing, such remarks about would-be gentlemen, as he would not have put up with on any other occasion.
Chapter 9th. Birth-day Amusements.—“My good friends,” said Mr. de Pilsen to some of his cronies, “when the fellow comes again, we must have him at table.”—“He come again!” replied some, “No, no; he has had enough of balls for all his life.” “We shall see that presently,” said the former, “I am much mistaken if he gives in so easily, and I repeat it, let us stick together and keep him warm. I should like to see him drunk.”
Mr. De Pilsen was right in his conjecture, for Jeremiah came back in a short time: the joyous troop surrounded him forthwith; and its leader succeeded in overcoming the suspicion which the student had at first conceived of him, on account of his satirical sneers. He protested that he had been highly amused with Jupiter’s frolic, and that he should be very happy to cultivate Mr. Schnackenberger’s acquaintance. With regard to the latter point, the addressed person had no objection; but as to the frolic, he would give one half of his future property if it had not happened. The party took great pains to persuade him that it was a most exquisite addition to the festivity; but he thought the Princess did not look so friendly as before, and nothing could overcome his grief on that account. This was, perhaps, the chief reason why his new friends were so successful in making him drink whatever was poured out for him; the poor man wanted to drown his sorrow, and so he did.—He was already far gone when Jupiter made his second appearance. The company showed great deference for him by getting out of his way; and he was thereby enabled to join his master, and to lay his fore-paws upon the table whilst he demolished whatever happened to be the contents of the nearest plates and dishes. A servant attempted to interfere, but was told that he had better let it alone; and a glance from the head of the table confirmed the injunction. Mr. De Pilsen and his friends were nearly bursting with laughter, when, at last, the pipe was produced, and a thick cloud of smoke enveloped the two guests: but Jeremiah interrupted the merriment by saying again—“You laugh, Gentlemen, but I could soon cure you of that, and make you look as demure as grave-diggers: one word to my dog, and he clears the room as completely as if a hurricane were to sweep away the company; I need say seize only.”—Upon this, the animal actually resigned every other engagement, and, beginning the war-whoop, looked with great earnestness at his commander for further orders. The wags now declared that they were perfectly satisfied, and required no farther proof: but Jeremiah insisted on a little experiment, by way of joke. He pointed towards Mr. De Pilsen, whose elegant, embroidered waistcoat was in a moment torn to tatters, and who was half dead with fear, when the collegian released him, and said that there was no danger as long as he did not also say bite! This scene, served, however, as a signal for a general breaking-up; and Jeremiah rose like the others, without once imagining that the disturbance was occasioned by his joke. He found some difficulty in preserving his equilibrium, and entrusted himself to the guidance of two stout servants, who were appointed to lead him home; but who brought him, by mistake, to the Fox instead of the Sow. The waiter, who was not very sober himself, and more than half asleep, showed him to a bed-room, and wished him a good night.
Chapter 10th.--Fresk troubles.–About half-an-hour later came the lawful occupant of the room, who had likewise his full cargo, and threw himself on the bed in his clothes. This awoke Schnackenberger; but as he only felt a weight upon him, without knowing what it was, he recollected the large feather-bed, under which he had been sweating the preceding night, rolled the man up in the blanket, and threw both out of bed. The ejected person was sometime in disentangling himself; but as soon as he had succeeded, he made a most determined attack upon the intruder, and, being not quite so far gone, would probably have got the better of him, if friend Jupiter had not just arrived at the time: he had been detained in the neighbourhood of the larder by the smell of a venison-pie, with which he found an opportunity of regaling himself; but as soon as he had dispatched that business, he followed his master, and saved him from an awkward predicament. The ensuing noise set the whole house in an uproar, and the various inhabitants made their appearance in every description of night-dress and attitude, forming the most picturesque groups. In the mean time the smuggled lodger would have been turned out by the landlord, if the word of command to Jupiter had not produced such an effect as to put such a measure altogether out of the question.
Chapter 11th.—Slighted love aims at revenge.—When Mr. Shnackenberger opened his eyes the next morning, at about half-past ten o’clock, he found the landlady of the Golden Sow sitting in his room, and before he could get out of his bed, he heard himself addressed as follows:—“So, so, my fine gentleman, you are a pretty person to be received and taken care off by an honest widow.” “Well, what is the matter? old woman,” said Jeremiah.—“Old woman, indeed! if I am a few years older than some people, I am also somewhat more discreet: how dare you insult me in that manner? you base betrayer.” “The poor creature has surely been bit by a Tarantula. I ask once more, what do you want? speak out, that I may know it.” “Speak! ay, that I will: I will scream it out so loud that it may be heard throughout the town, and that every body may be upon their guard against you; you cruel, unfeeling monster! You come first riding into my room, like a fool; and I am good enough to pardon it; to bring you meat and drink myself, and to keep you company all evening: in the midst of the night I am called up for your sake; and you are the cause of a fire which consumes one half of my inn: I say not a word about it, and do every thing in my power to cheer you up. You seem to be thankful; and I open all my stores to fit you out for the assembly. You put the marriage-shirt of my late poor dear innocent husband upon your wicked body, and so you set off, leaving me your voracious dog, to spoil all my provisions, and to kill all my rabbits and geese: at last the beast follows you, but you bring it back again, and return to your fine ladies, who persuade you to go to another inn.” “This is the first word I have heard of it, said the student, rubbing his eyes, and looking around him; according to this account I am no longer in your house?” “Oh! mighty well, pretend to be innocent and to clear yourself; but I’ll get satisfaction, I warrant you.” “My good friends,” said Jeremiah to a couple of waiters who had come up in the mean time to listen to the altercation, “my good friends, if such is the case, pray rid me with all possible dispatch of this brute.” “What?” cried Mrs. Liquorice, putting herself in a position of defence, ​“turn me out!” But a few unguarded expressions against the Fox, and all its inmates, decided the wavering attendants, and the lady was actually bundled out with the utmost expedition. She vented the rest of her fury in the middle of the street, to the no small amusement of the bystanders; and she finally betook herself to the habitation of a well-known pettifogging attorney.
The Collegian inquired into the particulars of what had happened during the night; and when he understood that a gentleman had actually been wronged by him, he repaired immediately to his apartment, to ask his pardon, and to offer every reparation in his power. This done, he perceived to his utmost consteration that it was already eleven o’clock, whilst he had an invitation to the Mount, for nine: he was happy to hear that he could get a horse in the house, and ordered it to be saddled forthwith.
(To be continued.)
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