# The Genuine Remains in Verse and Prose of Mr. Samuel Butler/Volume 2/The Character of a Justice of Peace

A
JUSTICE
OF
PEACE
Is one that has a Patent for his Wit, and understands by Commission, in which his Wife and his Clerk are of the Quorum. He is Judge of the Peace, but has nothing to do with it until it is broken; and then his Business is to patch it up again. His Occupation is to keep the Peace, but he makes it keep him; and lives upon the Scraps of it, as those he commits do on the common Basket. The Constable is his Factor, and the Jaylor the Keeper of his Warehouse, and Rogues, Bawds, and Thieves his Goods. He calls taking of ​Pigs and Capons taking of Bail; and they pass with him for substantial House-keepers. Of these he takes Security, that the Delinquent shall answer it before the Sessions, that is before the Court sits next, otherwise Forfeiture of Recognizance is sure to rise up in Judgment. He binds Men over, as Highwaymen do, to unty their Purses, and then leaves them to unbind themselves again, or rather as Surgeons do, to let their Purses Blood. He makes his Commission. a Patent, that no Man shall set-up any Sin without Licence from him. He knows no Virtue, but that of his Commission, for all his Business is with Vice, in which he is so expert, that he can commit one Sin instead of another, as Bribery for Bawdery, and Perjury for Breach of the Peace. He uses great Care and Moderation in punishing those, that offend regularly, by their Calling, as residentiary Bawds, and incumbent Pimps, that pay Parish Duties———Shopkeepers, that use constant false Weights and Measures, these he rather prunes, that they may grow the better, than disables; but is very severe to Hawkers and Interlopers, that commit Iniquity on the Bye. He interprets the Statutes, as Fanatics do the Scripture, by his own Spirit; and is most expert in the Cases of ​light Bread, Highways, and getting of Bastards. His whole Authority is like a Welsh-Hook; for his Warrant is a Puller to her, and his Mittimus a thrust-her from her. He examines bawdy Circumstances with singular Attention, and files them up for the Entertainment of his Friends, and Improvement of the Wit of the Family. Whatsoever he is else, he is sure to be a Squire, and bears Arms the first Day he bears Office; and has a more indubitate and apparent Title to worship, than any other Person. If he be of the long Robe he is more busy and pragmatical on the Bench, than a secular Justice; and at the Sessions, by his Prerogative, gives the Charge, which puts him to the Expence of three Latin Sentences, and as many Texts of Scripture; the rest is all of Course. He sells good Behaviour, and makes those, that never had any, buy it of him at so much a Dose, which they are bound to take off in six Months or longer, as their Occasions require. He is apt to mistake the Sense of the Law, as when he sent a zealous Botcher to Prison for sewing Sedition, and committed a Mountebank for raising the Market, because he set up his Bank in it. Much of his Business and Ability consists in the distributive Justice ​of disposing of Bastards, before they are born, to the right Proprietors, that no Parish may be wronged, and forced to pay for more Fornication, than they have had Occasion for. Next this he does his Country signal Service in the judicious and mature Legitimation of tipling Houses, that the Subject be not imposed upon with illegal and arbitrary Ale. At the Sessions his Recognisances appear, or hide their Heads, according as his Wife and Clerk have found the Bill; for Delinquents, like Aldermen, that fine for't, are excused, otherwise they must stand and bear Office in the Court, tho' it be but to be whipped, or set in the Pillory. If he be of the Quorum he is a double Justice, and ought, like a double Jugg, to hold as much as two simple ones; but if he hap to be empty and out of Justice in any Business, he is not at Home; or not at Leisure, and so the Matter is transmitted to the next in Capacity. His Conscience is never troubled for his own Sins, especially those of Commission (which he takes to be but the Privilege of his Place) for he finds it is Business enough for one Man, to have to do with those of others.