# The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift/Volume 7/Toland's Invitation to Dismal

TOLAND'S INVITATION TO DISMAL,
TO DINE WITH THE CALF'S-HEAD CLUB.
Imitated from Horace, Lib. I. Epist. 5.
IF, dearest Dismal, you for once can dine Upon a single dish, and tavern wine, ​Toland to you this invitation sends, To eat the calf's-head with your trusty friends. Suspend a while your vain ambitious hopes, Leave hunting after bribes, forget your tropes. Tomorrow we our mystick feast prepare, Where thou, our latest proselyte, shalt share: When we, by proper signs and symbols, tell, How, by brave hands, the royal traitor fell; The meat shall represent the tyrant's head, The wine his blood our predecessors shed; While an alluding hymn some artist sings, We toast, "Confusion to the race of kings!" At monarchy we nobly show our spite, And talk, what fools call treason, all the night. Who, by disgraces or ill fortune sunk, Feels not his soul enlivened when he's drunk? Wine can clear up Godolphin's cloudy face, And fill Jack Smith with hopes to keep his place: By force of wine, ev'n Scarborough is brave, Hal grows more pert, and Somers not so grave: Wine can give Portland wit, and Cleaveland sense, Montague learning, Bolton eloquence: Cholmondeley, when drunk, can never lose his wand; And Lincoln then imagines he has land. ​My province is, to see that all be right, Glasses and linen clean, and pewter bright; From our mysterious club to keep out spies, And tories (dress'd like waiters) in disguise. You shall be coupled as you best approve, Seated at table next the men you love. Sunderland, Orford, Boyle, and Richmond's grace, Will come; and Hampden shall have Walpole's place. Wharton, unless prevented by a whore, Will hardly fail; and there is room for more. But I love elbowroom whene'er I drink; And honest Harry is too apt to stink. Let no pretence of business make you stay; Yet take one word of counsel by the way. If Guernsey calls, send word you're gone abroad; He'll teaze you with king Charles, and bishop Laud, Or make you fast, and carry you to prayers: But, if he will break in, and walk up stairs, Steal by the backdoor out, and leave him there; Then order Squash to call a hackney chair.
* ↑ SI potes Archaicis conviva recumbere lectis, Nec modicà cœnare times olus omne patellâ, Supremo te sole domi, Torquate, manebo. * * * * * * * * * * Mitte leves spes, et certamina divitiarum, Et Moschi causam. Cras nato Cæsare festus Dat veniam somnumque dies: impune licebit Æstivam sermone benigno tendere noctem. * * * * * * * * * * * Quid non ebrietas dcsignat? operta recludit; Spes jubet esse ratas; in prælia trudit inermem; Solicitis animis onus eximit; addocet artes. Fœcundi calices quem non fecere disertum? Contractâ quem non in paupertate solutum? Hæc ego procurare et idoneus imperor, et non Invitus; ne turpe toral, ne sordida inappa Corrugat nares; ne non et cantharus, et lanx, Ostendat tibi te; ne fidos inter amicos Sit, qui dicta foras eliminet: ut coëat par, Jungaturque pari. Brutum tibi, Septimiumque, Et, nisi cœna prior potiorque puella Sabinum Detinet, assumam; locus est et pluribus umbris: Sed nimis arcta premunt olidæ convivia capræ. Tu, quotus esse velis, rescribe; et rebus omissis, Atria servantem postico falle clientem.
* ↑ This poem, and that which follows it, are two of the penny papers mentioned in Swift's Journal to Stella, Aug. 7, 1712. They are printed from folio copies in the Lambeth Library.
* ↑ Right Hon. Henry Boyle, mentioned twice before.