# The President's Daughter (Britton)/Chapter 81

But I never for one moment ceased searching for a plan, and I wonder now as I write just when the plan which I decided definitely to follow after Mr. Harding's death, really took form in my mind. It may even as early as that summer—1922—have been latent within my consciousness, and my subconscious thinking might very possibly have directed a course of action which would have received vigorous opposition from my conscious thought.
I began to perceive the easy way out was to find myself a husband. It would be comparatively easy then to take Elizabeth Ann, give her my married name, and, having her thus legalized as mine, confess to the man that I would never love him except ​for the fact that he had made it possible for me to have my child with me. Some may think that this was a most unworthy contemplation, even as it was admittedly a subconscious consideration, but it must be remembered that my child was growingly dearer to me than life itself, and I did not even so much as dwell upon the sacrifice of mind and body which such an arrangement would mean to me. Somehow, I thought that was possible of working out by "paying my way," and I would choose to marry someone whom I could easily dominate, with whom my secret, if I elected to tell him my secret, would be safe, and who withal had sufficient worldly goods to put up a front consistent with being Elizabeth Ann's father. I was even willing for the sake of having her myself to eliminate certain demands I had made when submitting to the adoption by my sister and her husband, viz., that Scott attain for himself as soon as possible music prestige which would becomingly fit him to fill the role of foster father to Warren Harding's and my child. I would dispense with this requirement in any man I might choose to marry because I did not mean, down in my heart, that he should fill much of a role in that way. Who knows? Maybe I intended to leave him after I had taken his name for myself and my child! I know I would then have been capable of just such procedure had I determined to act upon it. Or perhaps those same fates which had so generously guarded Warren Harding and me during our earlier days would intervene later on to make possible the great miracle of our own marriage!
Thereupon, with provisionary intent, I began to consider this one and that as a husband possibility. My acquaintance among men was limited. I dabbled unhappily however in friendships, trying to see this one or that in the role of step-father to our child, and recoiling ever unless my subject of concentration seemed to display conspicuous ability in the matter of winning Elizabeth Ann's affection; this at least, I thought, would be desirable.
I even went so far as to confess to Mr. Harding, upon my next trip to the White House, that such a course of action had suggested itself to me, and the memory of the disappointment and ​hurt in his expression should have been sufficient to cause me not only to immediately abandon further thoughts along this line as unworthy, but to be heartily ashamed that I had ever voiced such thoughts to him.
But my confession was made only because I sought, in mental desperation, a way to make my child my very own. I even mentioned one man who at that time seemed logical for my own peculiar marriage purposes. Mr. Harding faced me on the couch in his private office.
"Don't you think he would be a safe person to marry?" I asked him earnestly.
"Well, Nan, do you think you could love this fellow?" Mr. Harding inquired of me gently. I did not look directly at him, though I answered him quickly.
"Of course not, but that wouldn't matter!"
Mr. Harding's voice was firm and I knew he was looking at me searchingly.
"Oh, yes, dearie, it would!" It was as though he were reasoning with a small child, I felt, one who did not know what was good for her to do.
"That would be grossly unfair to the man, Nan darling," he went on very gently, as I continued to avoid his eyes, looking down at my hand which played with my "wedding ring" from Mr. Harding.
"Well," I said finally with emphasis, raising my eyes now to my sweetheart, "You know I never shall love anybody but you!"
What relief and joy overspread his face! The exclamation that escaped his lips seemed almost a sob as he crushed me to him. How I loved him for wanting me so! But how I also loved my child and wanted her!