# The Fumbler Detected

A NEW SONG,
THE
FUMBLER DETECTED;
OR.
The Cautious MAID's Escape.
A TRUE STORY.
IN FOUR PARTS.
Part I. The Fumbler's Charge; or, the humble Petition of Archd. M'T———sh against his Bride Fl—ry Cr—f—rd,
To the Revd. Moderator, and to the rest of the Venerable Members of the Session of Kil—m—l G—ss—ry.
Part II The just and honourable Defence of his Bride, Fl—ry Cr—f—rd.
Part III. The Sentence of the Session.
Part IV. Remarks on the Sentence.
PRINTED FOR JAMES MAXWELL M.DCC.LXXXV.
The Fumbler Detected.
PART FIRST.
O Rev'rend and good moderator and elders of old Glassary! My case is of such a hard nature, I hope you'll give justice to me.
My bride has of me been reporting that I am unfit for a wife, Because, when in bed we were sporting, I could not her please for my life.
But sure such an impudent woman, should ne'er know the use of a man, Because she has said I am no man, tho' I did the best that I can.
I hope you'll rebuke her for scandal, and make her deny what she said, Or I shall be always the handle of scorning with ev'ry fair maid.
PART SECOND.
A Man that's imperfect in body, should ne'er think a husband to be; For though to such ty'd with a woody, from him I should sure be set free.
Now, it is grown into a custom, when two are contracted to wed, Their friends, without scruple, can trust 'em to sleep both together in bed.
So night after night we were beded, and slept without terror or dread, Till, near to the time to be weded, some fancy came into his head.
He seem'd to be sad and uneasy and cry'd out, L-d help me, amain! I said my dear, what does displease thee? pray tell me the cause of thy pain?
But all that for answer he gave me, was that I look'd heavy and sad; And that he much rather would have me shake off all dull thoughts, and look glad.
But I having heard of a rumour, that ran thro' the country so rife, I thought that had raised his humour, and caus'd in his spirits such strife.
​For it was told me that his member, made for the increase of mankind, Was weak as the flies in December, and that I would certainly find.
Well, that night in silence pass'd over without any more said or done; I slept very sound with my lover, and up I arose with the sun.
I begg'd of a good honest woman, to try by the words of his mouth, If that which was talk'd of so common had any thing in it of truth.
She pumpt him with prudent discretion, to know if the story was true, If his member—(O trying occasion!) the functions of nature could do?
He own'd it was somewhat defective, and that was the cause of his grief, Because he could not be quite active, and knew not of any relief.
Well, next night (according to custom) we beded together again: To do him all justice, I'd trust him, and give him no cause to complain.
But now, to stop future vexation, I told in the common report, That his member-(a blush at relation!) They said was both feeble and short;
​But now he was free to make trial, that none might have cause to reflect: He did so without a denial, but, ah! without any effect.
Now, after this he was dejected, far worse than he had been before, And seem'd to be almost distracted, nor wish'd to see friends, any more;
But over the Ferry of Oster he now would in haste bend his way——— I begg'd that he would not so totter, but with us continue to stay.
For I fear'd his friends and relations would say I was wholly to blame; And might raise some spiteful orations, to blast with reproaches my name.
I therefore, with much kind persuasion, prevail'd on my bridegroom to stay, That I might cut off all occasion for any against me to say.
But here I would have it be noted, it was not from malice nor spite; Nor am I with lust so besotted, in coveting carnal delight:
The laudible thing that I aim at, is only what first was design'd; And therefore I need not think shame, that I am for increasing mankind:
​So, therefore, to shew honest dealing, ev'n after this trial is o'er, Let him find good bail (illegible text)or's not failing, I'll marry him yet on that score.
I hope now this ven'rable session, will think on these premises well, And not count me in a transgression, for these naked truths that I tell.
I hope they'll take this resolution, grant all expences to me, And give me a clear absolution, declaring me perfectly free.
I own I have spoken quite plainly, that I might be well understood, For they that speak darkly speak vainly, and may ev'n say nothing as good.
PART THIRD.
The Sentence of the Session.
THE Session, with all due decorum, consider'd these premises well, Concerning the matter before 'em, how they these disorders might quell.———
This custom shall now be detected, that it may no farther proceed; Since people are grown so distracted, we'll make them hereafter take heed.
​The bride, for her carnal behaviour, was find in half twenty Scots pounds; Nor would they shew her any favour, tho' such a lewd practice abounds;
And likewise 'fore the congregation, her sentence was also to stand, Upon the next public occasion, to suffer a sharp reprimand.
Nor was the poor fumbler exempted from paying an equal sum, Because he so vainly attempted, as others had done, to presume.
PART FOURTH.
Remarks on the foregoing Sentence.
OHOW was the maid disappointed, whose claim seem'd so just and so clear! Ah! how were her hopes all disjointed the session's hard sentence to hear!
But what made the ven'rable session the damsel so harshly to treat? Was it such a hainous transgression to find and discover a cheat?
For had they been coupl'd together, as tightly as any could be, The law would have broken the tether, and set the poor injured free.
​Then why was the reverend session so hard on the injured lass? Was his not the greatest transgression? then why let him easiest pass?
And why was the custom detected at last, and accounted a crime, When it had so long been protected, till now it prov'd useful in time?
Why was it not rather enacted, that it should for ever take place, That cheats might be always detected, which are of such dangerous case?
Let maidens hereafter be wary, and not rashly yoke with a man, Lest they such a fumbler should marry, Let them prove him first if they can.
FINIS.