# Watty and May, or, The Wife Reclaimed/New Way of Raising the Wind

NEW WAY OF RAISING THE WIND;
OR
HABBIE SIMPSON AND HIS WIFE.
[This highly humorous and truly Scottish production celebrates an adventure of the renowned Habbie Simpson, which actually occurred. Habbie appears to have been rather a privileged character, for besides being the best piper in the west country, he was possessed of many eccentricities, the oddity and originality of which always rendered him a welcome and amusing companion. That he was regarded as no common character may be inferred from the fact that a statue of him, pipes and all, was erected in a prominent niche of the steeple of Kilbarchan, his native village, where it yet stands a very significant testimony of the esteem in which he was held.]
I pit nae doubt but ye've a' heard tell o' Habbie Simpon, the piper o' Kilbarchan; but I'm no thinking ye ever heard the story that I'm gaun to tell ye aboot him and his wife, Janet. Weel, ye see, it sae happened that Habbie, like mony mare now-a-days, was geyan fond o' a wee drap o' the blue, and as the story gangs, sae was his wife, so that it geyan often happened that when Habbie, yokit the fuddle, Janet she yokit it tae. Noo, it's an auld saying, and geyan true ane, tae, that when a cannel is lichtit at baith ends, it sune burns dune, and it was sae verified in the present case: for Habbie waukened ae morning after a fuddle, and says to Janet—"Rise woman, and see if ye can get me half-a-gill, for, oh! my head is like to split." "Half-a-gill?" quo Janet, "Whaur wad I gel it when there's no a plack in the house? and as for takin'nt on, ye ken that's clean oot o' the question, so ye maun just lie still and thole the best way you can." "Oh, Janet," cries Habbie again, "You're no amiss at scheming—is there nae way ava ye can think on to raise the wind!" "I'll tell ye what I'll do," quo' Janet, "I'll awa to the Laird o' Johnstone, and I'll tell him that ye're deid, and as you're a great favourite o' his, I'm sure I'll get something frae him to help tae bury ye." "Od, but that will do grand," quo' Habbie. Sae up Janet gets ​and awa to the laird's house, when, ringing the bell, the door was opened by the lady, who, seeing Janet so pitiful looking, she says—"Keep us a' this day, is there onything wrang at hame that ye hae come here sae early in the morning?" "Wrang," quo' Janet, dichtin' her een wi' the tail o' her apron, "A's wrang thegither, my leddy. Isna oor Habbie deid!" "Habbie deid!" quo' the lady in surprise. "A-weel-wat is he, my leddy," quo' Janet, "and a sair trial it is to me, my leddy; for there's no so muckle in the house this morning, as would feed a sparrow; and whaur to get onything I'm sure I dinna ken. Oh, dear! oh, dear! that ever I should come to this o't." "Compose yourself," quo' the leddy, "And come your wa's ben, and we'se see what can be done." Sae, in gangs Janet wi' the lady, and gets a basket wi' some biscuits and speerits, and ither articles needfu' for sic an occasion; and thanking the lady for her kindness, comes awa hame to Habbie fu' blythely, when doon they sat, nor did they rise till they made an end o' the contents o' the basket. Noo, as the auld sang says, the mair ye drink, the drier ye turn, for they were nae sooner dune than Habbie says—"Losh, Janet, that's real guid; can ye no get some mair o't?" "Na, na," quo' Janet, "I hae played my turn already; it's your turn noo." "Oh, very weel," quo' Habbie, "If it's my turn noo, ye maun jist be deid next." "'Ods, I hae nae objections," quo' she, "sae awa' ye gang, and let's see what ye can do." Weel, awa' gangs Habbie, and meeting the laird jist coming hame frae a hunting party, he says—"This is a fine day laird." "A fine day, Habby," quo' the laird; "Hoo's a wi' ye? are ye no coming up to play us a spring on the pipes the nicht?" "It wadna look very weel, laird, for me to be playing on the pipes at your house, and my ain wife lying a corpse at hame." "What! is Janet deid?" quo' the laird. "Atweel is she," quo' Habbie, "And I'm sure it couldna' ha'e happened at a waur time, for there's neither meat nor siller in the house, and hoo to get her decently aneath the yird, I'm sure I dinna ken." "Dinna vex yoursel' about that," quo' the laird, gi'en him some money; "There's a trifle for you." Habbie thanked the laird for his kindness, bade him guid day, and cam hame geyan weel pleased wi' what he had gotten, and sends Janet oot wi' the bottle to get mair whisky to carry on the spree. In the meantime, hame gangs the ​laird, whaur the first thing that he heard was, that Habbie Simpson was deid. "Na, na," quo' he, "it's no Habbie its only Janet." "It's Habbie," quo' the lady; "Wasna Janet here this morning hersel' and tell't me? and didna she get awa' some speerits and biscuits, as she said there was nothing in the house?" "And didna I meet Habbie just as I was coming hame, when he tell't me that Janet was died. But I see hoo it is—they are at their auld tricks again. But come, we'll awa' to Habbie's, and see what they're about." In the meantime, Habbie and Janet are fuddlin' in fine style, and lauchin' heartily at the way ta'en to raise the wind, when Janet cries—"Guid preserve us, Habbie, what's to be dune noo! I declare if that's no the laird and the leddy, and they're coming straucht here!" "I dinna ken," quo' Habbie, "what to do unless we are baith deid." Sae in the bed they gaed, and they were nae sooner doon, than the laird and lady cam in, and seeing Habbie and Janet in bed, he says—"Waesme! isna that awfu to see? The man and wife baith deid! But I'd gi'e five shillings this moment to ken which o' the twa dee't first." The words were nae sooner oot o' his mouth than up jumps Habbie, crying—"It was me, laird; noo gie me the five shillings." It is needless to add that the laird gaed Habbie the money, and mony a hearty laugh he had when he thought on the way Habbie and his wife had ta'en to Raise the Wind.