# The Cocoanuts (film)/Hour 0

A Paramount Picture
Adolph Zukor & Jesse L. Lasky present The Marx Brothers in "The Cocoanuts" with Oscar Shaw and Mary Eaton From the play originally presented by Sam H. Harris Monta Bell, Producer, Long Island Studios A Paramount Sound Picture Western Electric System
Paramount Famous Lasky Corporation Adolph Zukor, president
Copyright, MCMXXIX, by Paramount Famous Lasky Corporation All rights reserved
Music and lyrics by Irving Berlin
Book by George S. Kaufman Adapted by Morrie Ryskind
Directed by Joseph Santley and Robert Florey
Musical Director Frank Tours
Photographed by George Folsey
Associate Producer James R. Cowan ~ ~ ~ Passed by the National Board of Review
The Cast
Life Guard
Singer
Hotel de Cocoanut
Bellboy
We want to see you, Mr. Hammer.
Hammer
What's the matter? Somebody pay their bill?
Bellboys
We want our money.
Bellboy
Yes, money!
Hammer
You want your money?
Boys
We want to get paid.
Hammer
Oh—you want my money? Is that fair? Do I want your money? Suppose George Washington's soldiers had asked for money? Where would this country be today?
Boys
But they did ask.
Hammer
And where's Washington? No, my friends—no—money will never make you happy—and happy will never make you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.
Boys
We want our money!
Hammer
I'll make you all a promise. If you'll all stick with me and work hard, we'll forget about money. Let's get together and we'll make a regular hotel out of this place! I'll put writing paper in the hotel, and next year, if you behave yourselves, I'll put in envelopes. I'm going to put extra blankets free in all your rooms. There'll be no cover charge.
Boys
Oh! Yeah! Hey!
Hammer
Think—think of the opportunities here in Florida. Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. And now I've got a nickel in my pocket.
Eddie
That's all very well, Mr. Hammer, but we haven't been paid in two weeks and we want our wages.
Hammer
Wages? Do you want to be wage slaves? Answer me that!
Boys
No!
Hammer
No, of course not. Well, what makes wage slaves? Wages! I want you to be free. Remember there's nothing like Liberty, except Colliers and The Saturday Evening Post. Be free, my friends! One for all and all for me, and me for you, and three for five, and six for a quarter!
Jamison
Pardon me, a couple of telegrams for you, Mr. Hammer.
Hammer
There you are. Business is beginning to pick up already. Now if you boys will only be calm—aha!
"We arrive this afternoon on the 4:30. Kindly reserve two floors and three ceilings." Must be mice!
"If we like your property, we will immediately buy it." See that? Things are starting our way, already. Who is it from? Western Union, and they've got a lot of money, too. On the 4:15, eh? Well, I'll take the bus down myself.
Bellboy
Here's another one, Mr. Hammer.
Hammer
See? We're going to be stumped by tonight! This hotel will be so crowded, that we'll be turning away thousands of people.
"If there is another hotel in Cocoanut Beach, cancel our reservations." I know it! It was too good. Wait a minute!
"P.S.—Aunt Fanny had an eight-pound boy. Can you come to the wedding?" You see, everything is all right, boys—everything is all right! You're all invited to the wedding of Aunt Fanny's eight-pound boy.
Boys
Hooray!
Hammer
Oh, but that won't be for a couple of years yet! In the meantime, I want you to buck up—get down to work. Let's put this thing over with a bang—and, above all, forget about money. Don't think of it! Just forget about it, because you won't get it anyway.
Boys
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
18
Hammer
See that? I keep them dancing for their money!
Jamison
Yeah.
Hammer
Jamison, I'm going down now to meet the 4:15.
Jamison
Yeah?
Hammer
If I never come back, you'll know I'm still waiting for the train.
Jamison
Yes, sir.
Hammer
And in my absence, I'm relying on you to take good care of everything.
Jamison
Well, you can depend upon me, sir.
Hammer
That's fine. If any guests come in, take good care of them.
Jamison
Yeah.
Hammer
And think of me, Jamison.
Jamison
You bet I will.
Hammer
I'll be back someday.
Jamison
All right.
Hammer
Keep a light burning in the window—
Jamison
Yes, sir.
Hammer
—if you can find a window.
Jamison
All right, sir.
Hammer
Good-bye, Jamison.
Jamison
Good-bye.
Penelope
Hello, Harvey. Why so downhearted? Is Bob Adams cutting you out with Polly Potter?
Harvey
I'm not worried about a hotel clerk.
Penelope
No, but I'll bet you're worried about the Potter millions. You generally could use money in the old days.
Harvey
Oh, lay off that stuff.
Penelope
You know, marrying Polly is the only way for you to square your debts.
Harvey
I can take care of myself.
Penelope
I doubt it. Suppose I have a little plan that'll take care of both of us.
Harvey
What do you mean?
Penelope
Have you ever seen that diamond necklace of Mrs. Potter's?
Harvey
You bet I have. What's that got to do with us?
Penelope
Her room and my room are right next to each other. Hers is 318; mine 320. The door between is unlocked.
Harvey
Well?
Penelope
She keeps everything in a jewel case, locked up in her dresser. The key is always in her bag. That's what you've got to get.
Harvey
It's a large order, but maybe it can be done. Suppose I invite Mrs. Potter and Polly to take supper with me tonight?
Penelope
What then?
Harvey
Sometime during the evening, I might be able to get the key out of her bag.
Penelope
Now you're talking. That sounds more like old times, and now I'll try to get rid of Bob Adams for you.
Bob
Look, this is Cocoanut Manor. You know that hill?
Polly
What a question. Do I know that cunning little hill?
Bob
It's cunning, all right. But that's why there hasn't been any development here.
Polly
Couldn't it be cut down?
Bob
It's too expensive. Now, here's what happened. John W. Berryman was here to see it last month. You know, Berryman practically made Palm Beach and Miami, but he said he wouldn't touch this. Now when a man like that passes a place up, no one wants it. Do you know anything about architecture?
Polly
No, but I'd love to learn.
Bob
Well, I made a drawing of the whole place, showing that hill, as a built-up scheme, without cutting down the hill, or having it get in the way. I made the hill fit in with the architectural scheme. I sent Berryman a copy last week, and his secretary wrote me a nice note saying they were studying my plans.
Polly
That's thrilling! Does Mr. Hammer know about it?
Bob
Not yet. But if he takes it, I'll design the buildings. Haha! Say, I may be an architect yet.
Polly
Oh, if he only does, I'm sure it will be the most beautiful place in the world.
Bob
It would be, if you lived there. Look. See what I've written? "Heaven, for Polly and me."
Polly
That looks great. When do I move in?
Bob
Any day now.
Polly
It's a lovely dream, Bob. Let's make it come true.
Song
Polly
Bob
Polly
Polly and Bob
Harvey
Will you look at that?
Penelope
I am looking.
Harvey
Well, it's darn cute. I wonder who it can be.
Penelope
Let's find out.
Bob
Then little Red Riding Hood said to the wolf—wolf-wolf-wolf-wolf-wolf.
Penelope
Hello.
Bob
Oh, hello.
Penelope
How do you do, Miss Potter?
Polly
Hello.
Harvey
Your mother is looking for you, Polly.
Polly
She generally is, and she generally finds me. You know Mother. Thanks a lot.
It was a lovely story, Mr. Adams. I'd like to hear the rest of it sometime. Good-bye.
Penelope
I wonder if I could hear it sometime.
Bob
With pleasure. How about you, Yates?
Harvey
No thanks. You know what happens to bad little boys who tell stories.
Bob
Certainly. They marry the beautiful princess. So long.
Bob
Penelope
Nice boy. The kind who usually gets what he wants.
Harvey
Not always. I might win out yet.
Penelope
Well—miracles do happen.
Mrs. Potter
Well, Polly, you've been out again with Mr. Adams.
Polly
But only for a little while, Mother.
Mrs. Potter
Why a daughter of mine should fool around with a hotel clerk, when she has the opportunity of marrying one of the Boston Yates, is more than I can understand.
Polly
Oh, who cares about the Boston Yates? Anyway, Bob isn't a clerk; he's an architect. He's only clerking until he can get started.
Mrs. Potter
One who clerks, Polly, is a clerk, and that settles it. And I want you to remember that no Potter has ever been involved in a single scandal.
Polly
How about Uncle Dick?
Mrs. Potter
Polly, it's a well known fact that your uncle was drunk at the time. And another thing, young lady, I'm quite tired of your sitting out on the beach all hours of the night.
Hammer
Hey! Hey! Why don't you take something for that insomnia? You oughta cut out drinking so much coffee.
Jamison
I'm sorry, sir. Say, any luck with the 4:30?
Hammer
Yes, it didn't hit me, that's the only luck I had with her.
Jamison
Mr. Hammer, I think I know what's wrong with the hotel.
Hammer
I think I know, too. You're fired. Get your hat and my coat and get out.
Jamison
Well, maybe the season hasn't started yet.
Hammer
Maybe the hotel hasn't opened yet.
Jamison
Don't worry, Mr. Hammer. In a few weeks you'll be cleaning up.
Hammer
Yes, and making the beds. Go on, get out of here! I can handle this rush myself. Six hundred rooms in the hotel and you have to sleep here.
Mrs. Potter
How do you do, Mr. Hammer?
Hammer
Why don't you whistle at the crossing? You're just the woman I am looking for. And now whether you like it or not, I'm going to tell you all about Florida real estate. It's the first time it's ever been mentioned down here—today.
Mrs. Potter
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid—
Hammer
Uh uh uh! Do you know that property values have increased 1929 since one thousand per cent? Do you know that this is the biggest development since Sophie Tucker? Do you know that Florida is the show spot of America and Cocoanut Beach is the black spot of Florida?
Mrs. Potter
You told me about this yesterday.
Hammer
I know, but I left out a comma. Look. In a little while, we're going to hold an auction sale at Cocoanut Manor, the suburb terrible—uh, beautiful. You must come over. There's going to be entertainment, sandwiches, and the auction. If you don't like auction, we can play contract. Here it is—Cocoanut Manor—42 hours from Times Square by railroad, 1600 miles as the crow flies, 1800 as the horse flies. There you are—Cocoanut Manor, glorifying the American sewer and the Florida sucker. Why, it's the most exclusive residential district in Florida. Nobody lives there. And the climate—ask me about the climate, I dare you.
Mrs. Potter
Very well—how is—
Hammer
I'm glad you brought it up. Our motto is "Cocoanut Beach—no snow, no ice, and no business." Do you know that Florida is the greatest state in the Union?
Mrs. Potter
It is?
Hammer
Take its climate—no, we took that—take its fruits—take the alligator pears—take all the alligator pears and keep them—see if I care. Do you know how alligator pears are made?
Mrs. Potter
Haven't the slightest idea—
Hammer
There you are. That's because you've never been an alligator, and don't let it happen again. Do you know that it sometimes requires years to bring the pear and the alligator together? They don't like each other.
Mrs. Potter
No?
Hammer
No. Do you know how many alligator pears are sent out of this state every year and told not to come back?
Mrs. Potter
I don't think I do.
Hammer
All they can get a hold of. Florida feeds the nation, but nobody feeds me, and that's what I want to talk to you about.
Mrs. Potter
Mr. Hammer—
Hammer
Another thing, take our cattle raising. Oh, I don't mean anything personal. But here is the ideal cattle-raising section. We have long horns, short horns, and shoe horns.
Mrs. Potter
Mr. Hammer, will you let me say something, please?
Hammer
I hardly think so, and there's something else I want to bring to your mind. Where will you be when you're sixty-five? That's only about three months from now.
Mrs. Potter
If I were to buy, I should prefer some place like Palm Beach.
Hammer
Palm Beach? The Atlantic City of yesterday? The slums of tomorrow? Do you know that the population of Cocoanut Beach has doubled in the past week?
Mrs. Potter
Has it?
Hammer
Three bulldogs were born. We're expecting a nanny goat in the morning.
Mrs. Potter
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I must be going.
Hammer
Aw, now, don't go. Before you go, let me show you a sample of our sewer pipe we're going to lay. Look at it. Nobody can fool you on a sewer pipe, can they, a woman like you? Now this is the eight-inch pipe. But of course, all property owners will be allowed to vote on the size of the pipe. In case of a tie, it goes to the Supreme Court, and I can give you a little inside information in advance. The Chief Justice is crazy about this type sewer. Here, put it in your pocket. I'll see you later.
Mrs. Potter
Mr. Hammer, I can't use this! I don't want it!
Cico
Hammer
Hello? Yes? Ice water in 318? Is that so? Where did you get it? Oh, you want some? Oh, that's different. Have you got any ice? No, I haven't. This is Cocoanut Beach. No snow. No ice. Get some onions, that'll make your eyes water. What? You, too.
Jamison
Oh, Mr. Hammer. Mrs. Thompson wants to know if you'd reserve a table for dinner for her in a nice quiet spot.
Hammer
A nice quiet spot?
Jamison
Yeah.
Hammer
Tell her she can eat in the lobby. Say, we ought to dress this place up a bit. It looks terrible.
Front! Front! Front! Here, front! Here, front! Here, front, front, front, front, front, front, front!
Jamison, what's become of our front? Are we all out of front?
Jamison
I haven't seen them.
Hammer
I'm going to fire some of those people! Give me the fire bell.
Hey, why don't you stick around here. Listen, if anybody comes in that looks like a customer, tie them up and brand them. Now, exit.
Bellboy
Yes, sir.
Hammer
Look at him. He's dressed better than I am.
Chico
Hey! Come on! Come on!
Chico
Hey! Come here! Come here! Come here!
Hammer
Ah, gentlemen! Customers?
Chico
Ah, how do you do? How do you do?
Hammer
What are you boys giving me, the run-around? Come over here.
Now, what do you want? What do you want? Explain your business.
Chico
We send you telegram.
Hammer
Oh, you're the boys that sent the telegrams!
Chico
Hahahahahaha! How do you do?
Hammer
That's a coincidence. I used to send telegrams myself.
Chico
Yeah.
Hammer
How are you? And how are you?
Chico
That's all right. Don't worry. Hey!
Hammer
Say, you can stay, but you'll have to take that groundhog out of here. Now, what do you want? Explain your business.
Chico
Well, we make a reservash.
Hammer
Reservash?
Chico
Yes. We want room and no bath.
Hammer
Oh, I see. You're just here for the winter. Well, step this way and I'll see what I can do for you.
Chico
All right. We stay for the summer, too.
Hammer
I'm sorry, boys, but we haven't got any vacancies.
Chico
He's got no vacancies.
Hammer
We've got plenty of rooms.
Chico
Oh, that's all right, we take a room. You want a room?
All right, we take a vacancy.
Hammer
Boy, take the gentlemen's baggage.
Hammer
Hey, hey, do you know that suitcase is empty?
Chico
That's all right. We fill it up before we leave.
Hammer
Oh, you will, huh? Well, you'll empty it before I go out. Now, step this way, boys, and just put your monicker on there, and everything will be A.K.
Hey!
Chico
Look what he do! That's a baby! Right there! Ooh! Ah, look at it, he never misses!
Hammer
Hey! Don't do—don't do that.
Right this way, boys. He's got the prize! Come on. The boy wins the gold cigar. Anybody else? Step right up this way.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't throw that. That's only for long distances.
Chico
All right, all right! Come on, don't start. That's mine, too.
Hammer
Now, then, what do you want? Would you like a suite on the third floor?
Chico
No, I'll take a Polock in the basement.
Hammer
Well, you'll have to take that up with the Commissary Department. That's an entirely different proposition, and I can't—
Hammer
Here you are. There. Let me help you here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The afternoon mail isn't in yet. Say, I can use you the first of the month.
Bellboy
Telegram for Mr. Hammer.
Hammer
Telegram? Just tell them I'll send them the money in the morning. Now then, what do you want? Now, what do you want? Do you want a single room?
Chico
We'd like to double up.
Hammer
Well, eat some green apples.
Chico
Haha!
Hammer
Hey! Just a moment!
Chico
A joke!
Hammer
What's that? You'll have to talk louder. I can't hear you. If you'll take your nose out of the receiver, it will be okay. I—
Hahahaha! Funny feller, you.
Hello? What's that? You want to know where you can get a hold of Mrs. Potter? I don't know, she's awfully ticklish.
Now, I'm in a position gentlemen, where—
Chico
He's-a hungry.
Hammer
Here, have one of these flowers. They're buckwheat. Pick out a nice one, now. I don't want you to get any the worst of this.
There you are. I'm so glad. Now, if you boys will pardon me for a few moments, I have some very important business to attend to. As a matter of fact, I'm going upstairs, and get your partner a stomach pump, here.
Chico
Yeah, he needs one.
Hammer
And I'll be down in a few minutes. And while I'm gone, don't forget—register.
Chico
Hey, don't forget—register.
Chico
That's all right.
Chico
Hello? Hello? No, we no got-a no rooms! We got-a nothing! We got-a no customers! We got-a nothing! All right. All right. I send you up-a some. All right. Good-bye.
Bellboy 1
Did you ring, sir?
Bellboy 2
Did you ring, sir?
Bellboy 3
Did you ring, sir?
Chico
Get out! Signor Harpo, come here! Come here! Get away from up there! Come on! Hurry up!
Harvey
All right, then, but let's be careful.
Penelope
I will.
Harvey
Tell me, how is it that the door between your room and Mrs. Potter's is open?
Penelope
Well, you see, I told her that I trusted her.
Harvey
You trusted her?
Harvey, Penelope, and Harpo
Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Penelope
Hey, stop that.
Chico
Come on, we dance.
Penelope
Really!
Harvey
Come, Penelope! Let's get away from this...bum!
Chico
Bum. Bum! Bum! Bum! Bum! Rum, bum, bum! Rum, bum, bum! Rum, rum, rum, bum, bum! Rum, bum, bum! Rum, bum, bum! Rum, rum, rum, bum, bum! Rum, bum, bum!
Harvey
I could kill those tramps.
Penelope
Wait a minute. Don't kill them yet. I've got an idea.
Harvey
About them?
Penelope
Mhm. Listen, when the necklace is found missing, someone's got to be blamed. Why not them?
Harvey
Gee, that's not bad. But, have you got anything definite?
Penelope
Suppose I flirt with them, and they come to my room. Then what? I'll complain to the management. Then on the night the necklace disappeared, they were seen near Mrs. Potter's. Get it?
Harvey
You bet I get it. That's a grand idea.
Penelope
Thanks, kind sir. Well, I've got to run along now. See you later.
Harvey
Good-bye.
Chico
Hey, hey, what-a you do, eh? All the time you eat. That's-a no good. We gotta get the money. Right now, I'd do anything for money. I kill somebody for money. I kill you for money. Hahaha, oh, no, you're my friend. I kill you for nothing.
Well, why do you laugh, eh? You're in the hotel for three hours, you no got-a something yet. What-a you got? An Ingersoll-a watch, that's-a fine! Haha, that's-a fine! That's all you steal?
Detective
Hey!
Detective
I think I know your face.
Chico
I give up, whose is it?
Detective
I'll tell you in a minute. I brought some pictures from headquarters. Let me see your face. Yours too.
Chico
All right. All right. I make my own face.
'At's-a matter you push, eh? No pushing. A rumble-a fight! You wanna fight-a? Come on! Come on! Start. Come on! Hey! Call your shots. Come on. Hey, 'at's-a matter you no fight upstairs? Come on!
Detective
Hey! What are you guys fighting for?
Chico
We no fight. That's-a my friend. We play this way.
Detective
Wat're you doing around here? What's your name? I am pretty suspicious of you birds. Now, you listen to me. I haven't got anything on you yet, but I'm going to keep watching. I've got your full records right here in my pocket. There's enough to send you up the minute you start anything. Do you get me?
Chico
Wise-a guy! Wise-a guy, eh? Gotta start a fight when detective come around. You can't wait a little bit, huh?
What do you got? A badge? Hahaha! 'At's-a fine! He's-a no more detective. You detective!
Man
Hurry along, my dear. Get right in the cab. We've only a few minutes to get the train.
Pardon, could you tell me, what time is the next train to Philadelphia?
Chico
There's a train there once a week, sometimes twice a day.
Man
Thank you.
Chico
That's all right.
Chico
That's-a fine. A little tight. Needs something taken out. All right, keep it. That's just what I need—coat-a like this. That's-a fine, eh? Do-a good.
Penelope
Hello.
Chico
How do you do?
Penelope
That's a good-looking coat you have on.
Chico
You like it, eh?
Penelope
Do you know you look like the Prince of Wales?
Chico
Better.
Penelope
Where did you get that coat?
Chico
That's-a my coat.
Penelope
That's your coat?
Chico
That's-a my coat.
Penelope
Well, it doesn't fit you.
Chico
I know, I had it made to order.
Penelope
Tell me, what are you doing tonight?
Chico
Maybe you got a good idea, eh?
Penelope
Well, don't you dare come to room 320 at 11:00.
Chico
All right, I come half past ten.
Penelope
Did you see a handkerchief? I thought I had dropped one. Well, it really doesn't matter, because what I'm really interested in is you.
Penelope
Did anyone ever tell you that you look like the Prince of Wales?
That's funny. I thought it was an original idea of mine.
Tell me, do you know who I am?
Do you know my room number?
Well, I'll be there at 11:00 tonight.
Hammer
Did anyone ever tell you you look like the Prince of Wales? I don't mean the present Prince of Wales; one of the old Wales. And believe me I say Wales, I mean Wales. I know a whale when I see one. Did you say your room was 318? You know, I am the proprietor of this hotel and I have a passkey to every room in it.
Mrs. Potter
Passkey?
Hammer
Passkey—that's Russian for pass—you know, they passkey down the streetskey. Won't you lie down?
Aw, if we could find a little bungalow, eh? Oh, of course, I know where we could find one, but maybe the people wouldn't get out. But if we could find a nice little empty bungalow just for me and you, where we could bill and cow—no, where we could bull and cow.
Mrs. Potter
Do you know what you are trying to say?
Hammer
Yes, it's not what I'm thinking of. What I meant was, if we had a nice little bungalow, and you was inside and I was outside trying to get in, or inside trying to get out—or, no, I was in, you was ups—uh, you were inside out and I was ups—uh, no—I'll tell you, if you don't hear from me by next Friday, the whole thing's off!
Mrs. Potter
I don't think I understand.
Hammer
I mean, your eyes, your eyes—they shine like the pants of a blue serge suit.
Mrs. Potter
What? That's an insult!
Hammer
That's not a reflection on you. That's on the pants. What I meant was, if we had a nice bungalow and I came home from work, and you were standing by the gate—no—you came home from work, and I was standing by the gate—that's more like it—and we came down the path, and we went inside, and the shades were drawn, and the lights were low, and, then—are you sure your husband's dead?
Mrs. Potter
Why, yes.
Hammer
There seems to be a trace of uncertainty in that "yes." You know a "yes" like that was once responsible for me jumping out of a window, and I'm not the jumper I used to be. What I meant was, you're going to be here all winter and I'm stuck with the hotel anyhow—why don't you grab me until you can make other arrangements?
Mrs. Potter
My dear Mr. Hammer, I shall never get married before my daughter.
Hammer
You did once! Oh, but I love you! I love you! Can't you see how I'm pining for you?
Mrs. Potter
What in the world is the matter with you?
Hammer
Oh, I'm not myself tonight. I don't know who I am. One false move and I'm yours. I love you. I love you anyhow.
Mrs. Potter
I don't think you'd love me if I were poor.
Hammer
I might, but I'd keep my mouth shut.
Mrs. Potter
I'll not stay here any longer and be insulted this way!
Hammer
Oh, don't go away and leave me here alone. You stay here and I'll go away.
Mrs. Potter
I don't know what to say.
Hammer
Well, say that you'll be truly mine, or truly yours, or yours truly. Can't you know that I'm—
Mrs. Potter
Will you keep your hands to yourself?
Hammer
Come on, I'll play you one more game. Come on, the three of you. Oh! Can you come down a little bit?
Just think, tonight—tonight—when the moon is sneaking around the clouds, I'll be sneaking around you. I'll meet you tonight under the moon. Oh, I can see you now—you and the moon. You wear a neck-tie so I'll know you.
Penelope
Send up some ice water right away. That's right. Thank you.
Penelope
Thank goodness!
Harvey
Close the door.
Penelope
Did you get the key?
Harvey
Yes. It's one of these.
Penelope
Oh, that's fine. Now, listen, we can't take any chances on this job.
Harvey
How do you mean?
Penelope
There's bound to be trouble when she misses the necklace.
Harvey
Well?
Penelope
Well, we can't have it found on us.
Harvey
I should say not.
Penelope
We've got to play safe and hide it somewhere for a while.
Harvey
Hide it?
Penelope
Just for a few days.
Harvey
Yes—but where?
Penelope
Anywhere but in here.
Harvey
Hide it? I know just the place—a hollow tree stump about a mile from here. Will that do?
Penelope
Fine, but how do I get there?
Harvey
It's Cocoanut Manor. You've been out there.
Penelope
Well, I'm not so sure, Harvey.
Harvey
Well, here, I'll show you. Now, you go right out Cocoanut Road. Then there's Augustine Road, like this—but instead, you take the Granada Road. Suddenly, you come to a clearing with a fringe of trees around it. That's Cocoanut Manor, where the stump is. It's about twenty feet from the edge of the clearing. That's where you put the jewels. You can't miss it. Now, you take the necklace right out there, see? I've got to go back down stairs, or Mrs. Potter will be suspicious. And be careful!
Penelope
I will.
Penelope
Cocoanut Manor—Granada Road—twenty feet from the clearing—everything's going along swimmingly now.
Chico
Do you remember me? Prince of Wales?
Penelope
Why, yes, of course I do, but—
Mr. Hammer, how dare you come into my room?
Hammer
See here, if there's going to be two people in this room, it'll be fifty cents extra.
Chico
Did he go?
Penelope
Who?
Chico
Anybody.
Penelope
Get out! Oh, Prince, how you frightened me.
Hammer
This hotel not only has running water; it has running guests.
Chico
You remember me, Prince of Wales?
Penelope
Who is it?
Hammer
It's me, the King of England.
Chico
My father!
Penelope
Come in.
Boy
Ice water.
Penelope
Put it there!
Thank you.
Hammer
"Thank you?" Why didn't you give him a dime?
Mrs. Potter
Come in.
Mrs. Potter
Lay down.
Mrs. Potter
Well, I never! I should say not! You get out of here! Get out! Hurry! Hurry! My—
Mrs. Potter
Come in! What is the matter with that man?
Mrs. Potter
Mr. Hammer, what are you doing in my room?
Mrs. Potter
Don't you dare take that coat off in this room!
Hammer
Well, I was—
Mrs. Potter
You get out of here as fast as you can go!
Hammer
I was only playing, that's all!
Mrs. Potter
I'll find out about this, I'll bet. Thank goodness, he's gone. Never mind, operator!
Come—come in!
Who are you?
Detective
That's all right. I'll be through in a minute. Well, I guess there's nobody in here.
Hammer
You don't know where to look.
Detective
Ah—what's that you said?
Mrs. Potter
Oh, this is awful! When you've quite finished, let me know.
Detective
Well, everything seems to be all right in here.
Penelope
I'm not so sure about that.
Hammer
All right. I know where to go.
Penelope
Whew! Alone at last. Oh!
Hammer
Come over here, I want to see you. Now, listen to me, I'm not going to have that red-headed fellow running around in the lobby. If you want to keep him up in your room, you'll have to keep him in a trap.
Chico
You can't catch him.
Hammer
Who is he?
Chico
That's-a my partner, but he no speak.
Hammer
Oh, that's your silent partner. Well, anyhow, you wired me about some property. I've thought it over. Now, I can let you have three lots watering the front, or I can let you have three lots fronting the water. Now, these lots cost me nine thousand dollars and I'm going to let you have them for fifteen because I like you.
Chico
I no buy nothing.
Hammer
What?
Chico
I no got-a no money.
Hammer
You got-a no money?
Chico
I no got-a one cent.
Hammer
How're you going to pay for your room?
Chico
That's-a your lookout.
Hammer
Oh, you're just an idle roomer?
Chico
Well, you see, we come here to make money. I read the paper, and it say, "Big boom in Florida." So we come. We're couple-a big booms, too!
Hammer
Well, I'll show you how you can make some real money. I'm going to hold auction in a little while in Cocoanut Manor. You know what an auction is, eh?
Chico
I come from Italy on the Atlantic Auction.
Hammer
Well, let's go ahead as if nothing happened. I say I'm holding an auction at Cocoanut Manor. And when the crowd gathers around, I want you to mingle with them. Don't pick their pockets, just mingle with them—and—
Chico
I'll find time for both.
Hammer
Well, maybe we can cut out the auction. Here's what I mean. If somebody says a hundred dollars, you say two. If somebody says two, you say three.
Chico
Speak up?
Hammer
That's right. Now, if nobody says anything, then you start it off.
Chico
Yeah, how am I going to know when they no say nothing?
Hammer
Well, they'll probably notify you. You fool, if they don't say anything, you'll hear them, won't you?
Chico
Well, maybe I no listen.
Hammer
Well, don't tell them. Now then, if we're successful in disposing these lots, I'll see that you get a nice commission.
Chico
And how about some money?
Hammer
Well, you can have your choice. Now, in arranging these lots, of course, we use blueprints. You know what a blueprint is, eh?
Chico
Yes, oysters!
Hammer
How is it you never got double pneumonia?
Chico
I go around by myself.
Hammer
Do you know what a lot is?
Chico
Yeah, it's too much.
Hammer
I don't mean a whole lot—just a little lot with nothing on it.
Chico
Any time you got-a too much, you got-a whole lot. Look, I explain it to you. Sometimes you no got enough; if it's too much, you got-a whole lot. Sometimes you got a little bit. You no think it's enough—somebody else maybe think it's-a too much, it's-a whole lot, too. Now, it's-a whole lot, it's-a too much, it's too much, it's-a whole lot—same thing.
Hammer
The next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you, will you?
Chico
All right, maybe—
Hammer
Come over here, Rand McNally, and I'll explain this thing to you. Now, look, this is a map and diagram of the whole Cocoanut section. This whole area is within a radius of approximately three-quarters of a mile. "Radius"—is there a remote possibility that you know what "radius" means?
Chico
It's-a WJZ.
Hammer
Well, I walked right into that one. It's going to be a cinch explaining the rest of this thing to you, I can see that.
Chico
I catch on quick.
Hammer
That's a rodeo you're thinking of. Look, Einstein. Here's Cocoanut Manor. No matter what you say, this is Cocoanut Manor. Here's Cocoanut Manor. Here's Cocoanut Height. That's a swamp. And, right over here where the road forks, that's Cocoanut Junction.
Chico
Where have you got Cocoanut Custard?
Hammer
Why, that's on one of the forks. You probably eat with your knife, so you wouldn't have to worry about that. Now, here is the main road, leading out of Cocoanut Manor. That's the road I wish you were on. Now, over here, on this site we're going to build an eye and ear hospital. This is going to be a sight for sore eyes.
Chico
That's good.
Hammer
You understand?
Chico
That's fine.
Hammer
Now, right over here—this is the residential section.
Chico
Oh, so people live there, eh?
Hammer
No, that's the stockyards. Now, all along here—this is the river front—and all along the river—all along the river, those are all levees.
Chico
That's the Jewish neighborhood?
Hammer
Well, we'll pass over that. You're a peach, boy. Now, here is a little peninsula, and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.
Chico
Why a duck?
Hammer
I'm all right. How are you? I say here is a little peninsula, and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.
Chico
All right. Why a duck?
Hammer
I'm not playing Ask-Me-Another. I say, that's a viaduct.
Chico
All right. Why a duck? That's—why—why a duck? Why-a no chicken?
Hammer
Well, I don't know why-a no chicken. I'm a stranger here myself. All I know is that it's a viaduct. You try to cross over there a chicken, and you'll find out why a duck.
Chico I no go someplace, I just—
Hammer
It's deep water, that's viaduct. It's deep water!
Chico
That's why a duck.
Hammer
Look. Look, suppose you were out horseback riding and you came to that stream and wanted to ford over. You couldn't make it. It's too deep.
Chico
Well, why do you want with a Ford if you got a horse?
Hammer
Well, I'm sorry the matter ever came up. All I know is that it's a viaduct.
Chico
Now, look, all right, I catch on to why a horse, or why a chicken, or why a this, why a that. I no catch on to why a duck.
Hammer
Well, I was only fooling. I was only fooling. They're going to build a tunnel there in the morning. Now, is that clear to you?
Chico
Yes—everything except-a why a duck.
Hammer
Well, that's fine. Now we can go ahead with this thing. Now, look, I'm going to take you down and show you our cemetery. I've got a waiting list of fifty people at that cemetery just dying to get in, but I like you.
Chico
Ah, you're my friend.
Hammer
I like you and I'm going to shove you in ahead of all of them.
Chico
I know you like me.
Hammer
I'm going to see that you get a steady position.
Chico
That's-a good.
Hammer
And if I can arrange it, it'll be horizontal.
Chico
Yeah, I see.
Hammer
Now remember, when the auction starts, if somebody says a hundred dollars—
Chico
I say two hundred.
Hammer
That's grand. Now, if somebody says two hundred—
Chico
I say three hundred.
Hammer
That's great! And now you know how to get down there?
Chico
No, I no understand.
Hammer
Now, look—now look, you go down there, down that narrow path there, until you come to the—that little jungle there. You see it?
Chico
I see what are those.
Hammer
You see where those thatched palms are?
Chico
Yes, I see.
Hammer
And, then, there's a little clearing there, a little clearing with a wired fence around it. You see that wire fence there?
Chico
All right. Why a fence?
Hammer
Oh, no, we're not going to go all through that again! You come along with me, and I'll ⟨fix you up!⟩
Chico
All right! I know what you mean. A-bid 'em up. Go-a higher. One say one, two hundred. Two hundred, three hundred.
Hammer
That's it. If somebody says a hundred dollars, you say two hundred.
Chico
That's all right.
Hammer
For two, you say three. ⟨And⟩ help me put this deal over and you can have anything you've got.
Chico
I got-a nothing.
Hammer
Be alert. That's it—be alert.
Chico
All right. All right.
Hammer
Be alert, or papa don't go out at all.
Chico
All right, I be alert. I don't know what it is, but I be, all right.
Hammer
All ye suckers who are going to get trimmed, step this way for the big swindle. Ladies and gentlemen, before proceeding with the main business of the day, which is the selling of these lots at any price, we are going to have a little entertainment. Very little. I want to present to you Miss Polly Potter, the best-paying guest in the hotel—in fact, the only paying guest in the hotel. She will sing for you, and for me too. Miss Potter.
Polly
Hammer
That's Florida, folks—singing, dancing, and entertainment. After the entertainment, there'll be sandwiches, but, remember, if there are no lots sold, there'll be no sandwiches.
Florida, folks—sunshine, sunshine—perpetual sunshine, all the year around. Let's get the auction started before we get a tornado. Right this way. Step forward, everybody. Friends, you are now in Cocoanut Manor, one of the finest cities in Florida. Of course, we still need a few finishing touches, but who doesn't? This is the heart of the residential district.
Every lot is a stone's throw from the station. As soon as they throw enough stones, we're going to build a station. Eight hundred wonderful residences will be built right here. Why, they're as good as up. Better. You can have any kind of a home you want to. You can even get stucco—oh, how you can get stucco. Now is the time to buy while the new boom is on. Remember that old saying? "A new boom sweeps clean." And don't forget the guarantee—my personal guarantee. If these lots don't double in value in a year, I don't know what you can do about it. Now, then, we'll take lot #20—lot number twentah—right at the corner of DeSota Avenue. Of course, you all know who DeSota was—he discovered a body of water. You've all heard of the water that they named after him, DeSota Water. Now this lot has a 20-foot frontage, a 14-foot backage, and a mighty fine garbage. Now, what am I offered for this lot? Anything at all? Anything at all?
Chico
Two hundred dollars.
Hammer
Ah—a gentleman bids two hundred dollars. Who'll say three hundred?
Chico
Three hundred dollars.
Hammer
Hahaha! Another gentleman says three hundred dollars. Do I hear four?
Chico
Four hundred dollars.
Hammer
Well, the auction is practically over. It's all over but the shooting. I'll attend to that later.
Chico
Five hundred dollars.
Hammer
Do I hear six hundred?
Chico
Six-a hundred dollars.
Hammer
Sold for six hundred dollars. Wrap up that lot and put some poison ivy on it.
Man
Yes, sir.
Hammer
Well, I came out even on that one. That was a big success. Yeah. One more success like that and I'll sell my body to a medical institute. Now, we'll take lot #21. There it is, right over there. Right over there, folks, right where that cocoanut tree is. What am I offered for lot #21?
Chico
Two hundred dollars.
Hammer
Why, my friends, there's over two hundred dollars worth of milk in those cocoanuts—and what milk, milk from contented cow-co-nuts. Who will say three hundred?
Guest 1
Three hundred dollars!
Hammer
Three hundred dollars.
Chico
Four hundred.
Hammer
Four hundred.
Guest 2
Five hundred.
Hammer
Five hundred.
Chico
Six-a hundred—seven hundred—eight hundred—what the heck I care?
Hammer
What the heck do you care? But how about me? Sold to what the heck for eight hundred dollars. I hope all your teeth have cavities, and don't forget abscess makes the heart grow fonder.
When he said "viaduck," I should have smelt a rat. I did, but I didn't know who it was.
Now we'll take lot #22. What am I offered for lot #22?
Guest 2
One hundred dollars.
Hammer
Sold, for a hundred dollars!
Chico
Two hundred dollars.
Hammer
Believe me, you've got to get up early if you want to get out of bed. Now, we'll take lot #23.
Chico
Two hundred dollars.
Hammer
Hey, what are you going to do with all these lots? Play lottos? Who'll say three hundred?
Chico
Four hundred.
Hammer
Four hundred. Do I hear five?
Guest
Five hundred dollars.
Hammer
Five hundred dollars. Sold to this gentleman—
Chico
Six hundred dollars.
Guest
Seven hundred.
Hammer
Seven hundred dollars. Sold to this gentleman—
Chico
Eight hundred dollars.
Hammer
Do I hear nine? Do I hear nine?
Chico
You hear nine; you hear ten.
Hammer
If I hear ten, you'll hear plenty. Do I hear nine? Will the gentleman who said seven say nine? Will the gentleman who said seven say seven again? Will you say six?
Chico
He say six, I say seven; he say seven, I say eight; he say eight, I say nine. I got plenty of numbers left. When I start I no stop-a for nothing. I bid 'em up. I go higher, higher, higher, all the time. I go higher—
Hammer
Yeah, you'll go higher when I get hold of you. Sold to Hiawatha for eight hundred dollars. Get away from that tree before it dies.
Hammer
Haha, hahahahahaha!
Guest 1
Fifty dollars.
Hammer
Sold for fifty dollars!
Chico
Two hundred dollars.
Hammer
Too late. Too late.
Chico
Yeah, yeah, yeah—too late, all the time.
Hammer
Now, we'll take lot #25, right where you're standing. Will you please get your feet off this lot? You're getting it all dirty.
Now, here's a lot, folks. It doesn't look very big on top, but it's all yours as far down as you want to go, and it's dirt cheap. Now, what am I offered for lot #25? Anything at all? Who'll start it off? Anyone at all? Anyone at—
What's become of Peter Rabbit? What am I offered for lot 25? Come on folks, you're all allowed to bid. This is a free country. What am I offered for lot 25? What am I offered for lot 25 and a year's subscription to The Youth's Companion? Will somebody take a year's subscription? I'm trying to work my way through college. Will somebody take a six-month subscription? I'll go to high school.
Does anybody want to buy a lead pencil? I'll wrestle anybody in the crowd for five dollars. Well, if there's not going to be anymore bidding, I might as well quit. What's the matter with you people? Can't you visualize bargains? Don't you want to make money?
Now, I'm going to try one more lot, and if I don't dispose of this, I'm going to fold up. Do you get me? Now we're going to take lot #26, the star lot of the whole proceedings. Here it is, right over there where the stump of that tree is, overlooking the ocean front—one of the finest sites in Florida. Now, somebody make me an offer!
Bob
Two hundred dollars.
Guest 1 and Hammer
Three hundred dollars.
Hammer
Who'll say four hundred?
Harvey
Four hundred dollars.
Hammer
Four hundred dollars. Now do I hear—
Keep Winnie-the-Pooh out of here, will you? He'll ruin me.
Who'll say five hundred?
Bob
Five hundred dollars.
Hammer
Five hundred dollars. Six? Come on, now.
Harvey
Eight hundred dollars.
Hammer
Eight hundred dollars! Now there's a gentleman with vision, and a nice haircut. There's a gentleman with vision. Who'll say a thousand?
Bob
One thousand dollars.
Hammer
A thousand. There's a gentleman with double vision and a better haircut. Who'll say eleven hundred?
Harvey
Eleven hundred dollars.
Hammer
Eleven hundred. There's a gentleman with astigmatism. Twelve, once? Come on, now! Twelve? ?
Bob
Twelve hundred dollars.
Hammer
Twelve, hail and farewell! Who'll say thirteen? Thirteen? Come on! Thirteen?
Harvey
I'll bid—
Hammer
Thirteen? Do I hear thirteen? Do I—twelve? Twelve once, twelve twice?
Sold to Mr. Adams for twelve hundred dollars! And a mighty fine piece of property you got there, buddy.
Make a note of that, Jamison.
Polly
Oh, Bob, you've got it!
Harvey
What—what—what happened? I protest against that. I didn't have a chance to bid.