# The Chronicles of Early Melbourne/Volume 2/Chapter 59

​CHAPTER LIX. THE NATIVITY AND NON-AGE OF MELBOURNE JOURNALISM (CONTLNUED.)
SYNOPSIS:—George Arden.—William Kerr. —Thomas Hamilton Osborne.—Editorial Thrashings.—Byrne punches Greeves' Head.-Kelly cudgels Kerr.—Kerr's Arrest for carrying Arms.—Robinson assaults Cavenagh.— McNamara assaults Kerr.—Kentish assails Cavenagh—Davis knocks down Cavenagh.—" The Recording Angels:" Mr. Joseph Byrne.—Mr. William Corp.—Mr. G. D. Boursiquot.—Mr. John Davies.—Mr. G n F n.— Mr. Edmund Finn.—Mr. John Curtis.—Fawkner and Finn.—Reporting Reminiscences. —The First Civic Dinner.—Curtis and the "Scotch Fiddle."— Curtis and the Missionary Doctor.—Finn and the Amateur Politician.
THE OLD EDITORS. Jpl| EORGE ARDEN, the Co-Proprietor and Editor of the Gazette, was an accomplished and florid writer, not only as a journalist, but as a pamphleteer. T h e literary power of which he was capable was unballasted by experience, and, there was no mental brake to keep him within bounds. H e had for a time the sole newspaper at his c o m m a n d ; but he was absorbed by an inordinate self-sufficiency, and lacked perseverance. W h e n newspapers were small, and their success mainly depended on the active personal supervision of the editor, Arden, w h o understood little of, and cared less for, journalistic minutice, was satisfied when he supplied an elaborate "leader." H e was also m u c h given to libelling, and falling into trouble thereby. In 1839, he was convicted and fined; in 1841, he was committed for trial, but the prosecution was abandoned; in 1843, he was again convicted of libel in connection with thefirstCorporation selections, and his brilliant and splenetic tirades against the first Resident Judge (Willis), though powerful agents in the ultimate un-benching of the official, proved the ruin of the writer. T h e sentences of fine and imprisonment passed on Arden involved him in pecuniary embarrassments, from which he never rallied. His partner (Strode) took an early opportunity of " cutting the painter," leaving Arden on board the tottering Gazette, from the wreck of which he was forced by the pressure of creditors, and he never after recovered himself. H e found means sufficient to enable him to return to England; but in 1844 re-emigrated and endeavoured to settle at Sydney. After two years of precarious struggle, and encumbered with a wife, he revisited Melbourne in 1846, but he found no eligible permanent opening, and was content to do hack work per column or article. H e m a d e a final effort to establish himself at Geelong, but failed, and poor Arden for the last two or three years of his life drank deeply from the cup of bitter disappointment. has been written of this gentleman in other chapters, for he appeared in a variety of characters on the stage of our early colonial life as Editor, Politician, Alderman, Councillor, etc. H e was imported from Sydney by Mr. George Cavenagh to edit the Herald, but there was an incompatibility of temper as regarded the two men, which rendered it impossible that they could long agree. So Kerr took an early opportunity of shaking the dust of the Herald Office from his boots, bidding his early patron a curt good-bye, and passing over to the rival journal, the Patriot. Cavenagh regretted such a "bad bargain" as Kerr turned out for him, and his lamentations in the matter were both loud and frequent. Kerr was a softish, fattish-looking Scot, with a big head, and features to match. His left arm was affected by chronic gout or rheumatism, but he never went abroad without a formidable cudgel in his right hand, a weapon of defence he was glad to resort to, when, as more than once happened, he was assaulted in the public streets. Though a shrewd, long-headed individual in some respects, he had not m u c h newspaper ability. His masterpiece was a half-column "leader"
WILLIAM KERR.—Much ​t&yjti* /** &**
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of stinging personal abuse, every line bristling with nastiness, or a nipping paragraph, every word of which was intended to blister the victim of the writer's dislike. H e never minced his words, for he was the most outspoken writer that ever dipped into an inkstand. There were no two ways about him, and he was consequently never out of trouble, for he m a d e more public enemies than any m a n in Port Phillip. Yet he was not without friends, and good ones too; not the plausible profferers of mere lip-service, but m e n w h o unbuttoned their pockets, and helped him therefrom over and over again, until they found it was little use doing so. Financial tribulation of some kind or other rarely ever left him, and public subscriptions were m a d e three or four times to give him fresh starts in the world of newspaper speculation. There is n o w (1885) living at St. Kilda an esteemed Scottish gentleman w h o knew m u c h of Kerr's pecuniary difficulties, and often gave him a helping hand. In the course of m y hunting up materials for the C H R O N I C L E S , I addressed a communication to the gentleman in question relative to some of M r . Kerr's undertakings, and from the kind and courteous reply received I m a d e the following extract:—"I regret m y inability to supply you with the exact information you require relative to the early history of poor Kerr's papers, although I had something to do with the starting of most of them, as the hat was always carried round by someone on these occasions, so regularly indeed that his staunch friend, Peter Young, of ' T h e Sugar Loaf,' once said to him in m y hearing, 'You're just like a d d bad Geneva watch. Y o u cost mair siller to keep you going than you's a' worth.' Unlike the general run of his countrymen, Kerr was thoughtless and thriftless far beyond his means, which were at times not to be despised. T h e m o m e n t a pound entered his purse (I doubt if he kept one), it did not rest long there, for it was either spent or given away, he being both generous and charitable, when he had money. In temperament also he was a remarkable contradiction,. or rather an amalgamation of the lion and the sheep. In his newspaper, at the City Council, a public meeting, or other demonstration, when on his mettle, no rejoinder, contradiction, or interruption could silence him. ' I'll not be put down,' was his shibboleth ; and the only times he was ever known to be 'put d o w n ' was when some enraged object of his libellings would meet him at a street corner and knock him down. Yet, as an employer, or in private life, or a select boon companion, he was harmless and inoffensive, obliging, pleasant, and good-natured. H e was well posted in colonial politics, and the minor branches of colonial law; but beyond these, his general information could not be reckoned of m u c h account." was a Presbyterian minister, who abandoned the cassock for the editor's desk. H e was a tall, sallow-faced m a n , with jaws of what m a y be styled the lanthorn order, and with a North of Ireland drawl or brogue, diluted in the Scottish burr, far from unpleasant to listen to. H e was as intensely Irish as if born on one of the hills of Tipperary, and I never heard a better hand at a convivial Irish speech. Yet, strange to relate, his pulpit utterances were rather given to boredom, and his leading articles were often so very heavy that when printed in "leaded" type, they were such tiresome reading as to obtain for him the nickname of "prosy Osborne." H e was a remarkable figure whenflittingthrough the streets—his slightly stooped person garbed in a white bell-topper, green or black swallow-tail coat, and drab trousers. H e remained for some years in Melbourne in connection with the Herald and Times, married a Geelong lass, departed westward, and established the Belfast Gazette. In after years he represented the united constituency, Belfast and Warrnambool, for a short time in the first Legislative Council, and died soon after.
THOMAS HAMILTON OSBORNE
T h e feeling of the several editors towards each other was absurdly personal and acrimonious, and carried to a ridiculous extent into public and private life. Kerr and Stephen both held high positions in the Fraternity of Freemasons, and some of their bitterest battles were fought in the Lodge-room. They were for a while on terms of such intimacy that Stephen was a welcome visitor at Kerr's house, but outside or inside differences terminated their friendly intercourse, and they remained ever afterwards at war. Kerr in his paper openly denounced Stephen with the grossest immorality, and Stephen retorted in unmeasured abuse, either through another paper, or at some election meeting, or other public place; or he would carry his grievance into the mystic circle ​of passwords and tylers, and then there would arise an altercation, but little consonant to the grand old principle of Truth, Charity, and Brotherly-Love upon which Masonry is traditionally supposed to have been founded. If a notice appeared in one paper reflecting upon any of the adherents of another, every effort was resorted to in revenge, and very bad blood often engendered thereby. T h e editors were also fond of calling each other names. Arden never knew his early competitor by any designation other than "the m a n Fawkner," and was in turn styled "the stuck-up brat." Kerr was christened " N o o d l e " (a misnomer) by Cavenagh, w h o was paid off as "the Big Drum," because his father was a Commissioned Officer in the British army, in which the son took m u c h pride. Osborne used at times to imbibe rather too much, and on his way h o m e traversed the streets in a serpentine fashion, through which he obtained the alias of " the Teetotum ;" but the best hit m a d e in the way of nick-naming was by Kerr, in respect to Boursiquot. At the period when the latter arrived in the province, H o m e ships were not victualled in the luxurious manner they are now, and somehow or other it got to be insinuated that Boursiquot, and some companions, m a d e rather too free with a h a m from the steward's larder. W h e n Kerr heard this rumour he tinned the preserve for further use, and the first newspaper quarrel between him and Boursiquot, the object of his wrath was proclaimed a " Westphalian," a compliment considered so equivocal by its recipient that he cut up terribly over it, which only established its efficacy as a caustic, and caused others besides Kerr to apply it whenever they had an account to square. M'Combie was known as " the Donkey," against which he neither kicked nor brayed much, for there was little liveliness in him; but whenever Cavenagh was " big-drummed" it was like beating a tattoo on his tympanum, which drove him nearly wild. Boursiquot also named him " Buggins," which was a sticking-plaster he never could shake off. In fact, between the pounding of the "Big D r u m " and the reiteration of "Buggins," Cavenagh was m a d e miserable, and the epithets stuck to him like wax. A glance through the old files give innumerable instances of the spiteful pettishness with which they were conducted. If an editor happened to be "dunned" for an account inconvenient to pay, or was sued for the recovery of a debt, he was unmercifully pilloried as if a public enemy, or some diabolical conspirator against the safety of Church and State. This disreputable warfare was also enforced against the reporters, and the attacks on some of them, actually written by editors, were most cowardly and disreputable. Notwithstanding all this the Press, as a whole, was cherished by the public as one of its great safeguards; the n e w papers were for the time well supported, and where one of them collapsed, it was more through its o w n fault than anything else. EDITORIAL THRASHINGS.
first instance happened on the 13th February, 1843, and the victim on this occasion was about the m a n connected with our early journalism w h o least merited an embrocation of physical force, for Dr. Greeves was always suave and gentlemanly, as inoffensive in the newspaper under his control as in the political arena, where he played no undistinguished role. However, as the Fates would have it, he was provisionally captaining the Gazette at this period when an ex-reporter named Joseph Byrne obtained the appointment of Corporation Rate Collector. T h e choice did not meet with general approval, and a paragraph in the Gazette emphatically asserted as much, whereupon Byrne waxed mdignant, and waylaying Greeves in Collins Street not only punched his head, but threatened to murder him. T h e Doctor trotted off to the Police Court, and sueing out a warrant had his assailant arrested. At the hearing the complainant magnanimously forbore pressing the charge, and the defendant tendered an ample apology. Nevertheless he was judged to enter into recognizances, himself in ^ 8 0 and two sureties of £4o, to keep the peace for twelve months.
BYRNE AND GREEVES.—The
1843 there was in Melbourne a Mr. Daniel Kelly,'of much respectability and intelligence a awyers clerk by profession, and the holder of a confidential position in the office of M e e k and Clark, conveyancers, w h o kept shop in an old two-storey brick rookery at the western side of an open area off Little Collins Street, n o w the crowded legal thoroughfare known as Bank Place. Kelly was rather of a pleasant and jovial turn of mind, and the companions with
KELLY AND KERR-In ​w h o m he consorted called him " Darby." T h e Civic W a r d Elections stirred up considerable interest, and Kelly took a prominent part, but always against the nominee of M r . William Kerr. Kerr accordingly lost no time in paragraphing Kelly, and one morning Kelly was paraded as " Dirty Darby" before the readers of the Patriot. Kelly read and grinned (an ugly grinner he was) and bore; but he assured those in his confidence that the next time the unsavoury alliteration was repeated he would make it a warning for Kerr. T h e Patriot happened to have amongst its retainers a clever caustic poetaster named H a m m o n d , also an Attorney's Scrivener, between w h o m and Kelly there was no love lost. It was the time of a contested election, when small local partizanship was at a white heat, and again the offending Patriot m a d e its appearance with a H a m m o n d effusion of a low, nasty and vulgar type, thus c o m m e n c i n g — " M y name is Dirty Darby, and I came from sweet Erin, The land of potatoes, buttermilk and brogue ; And I grew from m y cradle so purty a bairn That the neighbours all called m e an ugly young rogue."
W h e n Kelly read this he gasped with rage. Hisfirstimpulse was to seek H a m m o n d , but a little reflection suggested to his legal mind that, after all, there was no evidence beyond suspicion that his fellow-clerk was actually the offender. Though H a m m o n d was, therefore, spared from prudential motives, Kerr, the editor, was not; and Kelly forthwith prepared for the punishment of that "burly miscreant," as Darby once eloquently designated him. T h e intending flagellator lost no time in hunting up a formidable cudgel, with which he posted himself, like a sentry, at the north-west corner of Queen and Collins Streets, an intersection traversed by Kerr en route to his office every forenoon from a cottage in Lonsdale Street, where he resided. Kelly soon beheld his man cumbrously waddling d o w n Queen Street, and moved under the Collins Street cover of a high paling—the enclosure of the Wesleyan Chapel, then occupying what was a Church Reserve. Here he waited with the club in both hands drawn back over his shoulders, ready for a smash, and just as Kerr, w h o wore big spectacles, was on the turn, Kelly letfly,but instead of the blow, as intended, scattering Kerr's brains about the footpath the aim missed so far as to strike Kerr on the left arm—already lamed by gout. T h e limb was m u c h contused, and Kerr, w h o was game to the last, after a loud grunt of mingled pain and indignation, closed with his assailant, and after a short tussle both wrestlers came to the ground, when they were dragged apart by the crowd which hastily collected. Kerr was borne off to the next druggist's shop, kept by a Mr. Wilson, where his wound was dressed and a restorative imbibed, whilst Kelly, with an unscratched skin, was surrounded by a body-guard of admirers, w h o regarded him as a conquering hero, and each rapturously drank his health at an adjacent tavern. Kerr, when brought to and able to move, hobbled away to the Police Office, surrounded by a howling rabble, w h o assailed him with execrations and questions of " H o w he liked what he got?" and promises "That it shouldn't be the last drubbing in store for him." At the hearing of the charge, a fine of only 20s. was inflicted, with costs. Kerr, in a loud, blustering tone, protested that as he could not obtain adequate protection from the Court he should take measures for his o w n safety, even to the shedding of blood. T h e amount of the judgment was immediately subscribed in Court. Kerr was tumultously hooted to the door of the Patriot office, whilst Kelly was cheeringly serenaded. the same year there was a Mr. Thomas A. Robinson, a well-known resident, w h o married the widow of a wealthy brewer, and had a good deal of time on his hands, with a liberal allowance of pocket-money to get through. Being m u c h about town, he got embroiled in occasional squabbles, and took it into his head to " h a m m e r " a m a n with w h o m he had an altercation. For this amusement he was not only fined, but shown up by the Herald in a stinging paragraph, for the paper and Robinson did not stand on the best of terms towards each other. Robinson forthwith determined to "hide" Mr. George Cavenagh, the Herald editor; and disdaining the employment of any other than a natural weapon, in the forenoon of the 23rd September, fist in hand, confronted his enemy in Little Collins Street, and committed an assault by suddenly turning round, taking Cavenagh from
ROBINSON AND CAVENAGH.—In ​behind, and hitting him twice on the head. Cavenagh was a tall, strong man, and never travelled unaccompanied by a riding-whip, stout cane or stick, so grasping his assailant with the left hand he leathered him unmercifully with the right. Closing with each other a fierce struggle ensued, in which Robinson m a d e a furious dash at Cavenagh's face, where he left the indents of his claws, Cavenagh taking him over the eye with his cane and drawing blood. Robinson, w h o had Cavenagh gripped by the throat, was obliged to relax his hold, but in so doing brought away as a trophy the whole breast or front of a snowy shirt, for Cavenagh was rather fastidious as to the quality and laundry of his linen. S o m e by-standers parted the belligerents, when the assailed hastened for redress to the Police Office, and the other to a chemist's shop to get patched up there. Before this plastering process was effected Robinson was in the clutches of the police, but bailed to appear at Court next day; and when he did so three-fourths of his head and face were strapped over with sticking-plaster. After the Magistrates patiently heard the pro and the con of the "set-to," they let off Robinson with a 25s. fine, the smallness of the penalty being measured by the profusion of blood which Robinson declared he had been depleted. MCNAMARA AND KERR.—In 1845 Mr- William Kerr was piloting his Courier through very troubled waters, and a wayward bad-tempered skiff it was. A s a newspaper it was the quintessence There lived in Queen Street a of acridity, a crust filled with a vitriolic-vinegar compound. peppery-tempered tailor named Michael M'Namara, w h o took a special pleasure in thwarting Mr. Kerr, whenever they met in personal dispute, threatening, in a slang peculiar to him, to "knock Kerr into the middle of next w e e k " ; "spread him like bags upon an ass;" or some other equally dreadful alternative. A n election was on the eve of coming off, and "Johnny" Fawkner, w h o had some notion of offering as a candidate, formed a coalition with M'Namara, though they detested each other as heartily as a certain unnameable black gentleman is said to loathe holy water. Kerr and Fawkner, w h o were fast friends until the former was ejected by Fawkner, senior, from the Patriot, were n o w implacable foes, and Kerr did everything in his power to check-mate the other. Getting an inkling of Fawkner's movements, the Courier one morning spoke out in this fashion :—" Mr. John Pascoe Fawkner is manoeuvring to get himself placed in nomination, and is to have Misthur Michael M'Namara, and a whole host of other half-hanged customers in attendance, to hold up their dirty paws in his favour." W h e n " M a c " read this he foamed with wrath and prayed that " he m a y be hanged, quartered, and disembowled," (a favourite Irish historical imprecation of his), if he failed killing Kerr the first time he came within arm's length of him. This occurred on the 19th September, and there was an election nomination the same day, which Kerr would unfailingly attend. M ' N a m a r a being something of a pugilist, relying on the strength of his "bunch of fives," dogged Kerr from the hustings at the Court-house to Lonsdale Street, and as they neared Queen Street, he was on him like a flash of lightning. Rushing before him and shaking a fist in his face, he yelled out, " Kerr, you villain, w h y did you blackguard m e in your filthy rag of a newspaper?" Kerr, w h o was, as already mentioned, virtually a one-handed man, always carried a whopping stick in his right hand. This weapon he raised, and aimed a tremendous blow at " Mac," which was skilfully dodged by the other, w h o dealt Kerr a smasher on the bridge of the nose which splintered his spectacles and sent him reeling against a shop window. Kerr, recovering, essayed again to raise his stick, but his antagonist rushing in, seized him around the body, and hugged him so violently as to compel him to drop the stick in order to keep upon his feet. Kerr then made several attempts to kick the squeezer about the shins and abdomen, when M'Namara, clutching him by his long hair with his left hand, planted a stunning blow on the right temple and felled him. Kerr was bleeding freely, and after a struggle managed to get upon his knees, when M'Namara stooping, asked him fiercely between his teeth: " Kerr, you out-and-outer of a scoundrel, will you ever put m e in your blackguard paper again?" and the kneeling figure, besmeared with blood, slowly but emphatically gasped out, " I will, I will." "Mac," then drawing back, delivered a parting blow between the eyes and passed on. T h e most extraordinary feature in the fracas was that Kerr, when assaulted, was in the company of two supposed friends, named M'Donald and Hamilton, and they were ​so far from interfering that the first-named coolly and cowardly stood by as if enjoying what passed before him, whilst the other philosophically marched off about his business. M r . Kerr obtained a summons against M'Namara. T h e case was heard at the Police Court, when the defendant was represented by Mr. Sidney Stephen, the Barrister. Kerr was dictatorial and something like impertinent to the Magistrates (Messrs. W . Hull, H . Condell, J. Smith, and E. Westby); he lost his temper into the bargain. He-declined to admit his editorship of the Courier, but in a loud insolent tone admitted, " that if to write of M ' N a m a r a was provocation, he had given it, for he knew him to be a most notorious blackguard." This uncalled-for remark so shocked the Bench that one of its members (Hull) declared it was too m u c h for him, and withdrew from his place, whilst the remaining Justices dismissed the complaint. Kerr left in high dudgeon, muttering threats of vengeance against the Court, whilst " M a c " was hailed with loud acclamations, and there was a notion of "chairing" him, but such a vehicle was not convenient. S o m e days after Kerr applied for a new trial, on the plea that the case had not been decided upon its merits. Rather inconsistently, a fresh summons was granted, a re-hearing took place, and the defendant was fined 30s., with 3s. 6d. costs. The amount was subscribed on the spot. Kerr subsequently blustered m u c h of an intention to bring an action in the Supreme Court for assault and battery; but fresh troubles were in store for him, for early next year he was insolvent, and the Courier a thing of the past. KENTISH AND CAVENAGH.—Mr. Nathaniel L. Kentish, devoted much of his time and intelligence to
efforts to provide the Melbournians with salt (or rather brackish) water-baths on the south bank of the Yarra—in fact he was as watery in the brain region as the modern and late Mr. H u g h M'Coll, of canaling celebrity, though riding his hobby in a different style. T h e Herald never took kindly to the Kentish speculations, and for this and other reasons the propounder of the bathing scheme and the conductor of the newspaper never got on well. O n the 24th August, 1849, there appeared in the Herald a notice reflecting on Kentish, and annoying him so m u c h that armed with a whip, and meeting Cavenagh in Elizabeth Street, he laid on to him. A warrant was issued against Kentish, to which he surrendered and was bailed. T h e case was set down for hearing on the 27th, and as Cavenagh was standing near the Police Court door, waiting his turn to be called, Kentish came up and repeated the assault. This time, however, Cavenagh showed good fight by knocking down the other, w h o was picked up by some constables, and detained in custody until the trial. T h e Mayor (Mr. W . M . Bell), and M r . E. Westby constituted the Bench, and the defendant was heavily mulcted, viz., for thefirstassault, to pay ,£4 fine, with ^£1 costs, or two months' imprisonment; and for the second, a fine of ,£5, or another two months'; and further, to enter into recognizances to keep the peace for 6 months, himself in ,£50 and two sureties of ,£"25 each. DAVIS AND CAVENAGH.—Mr. Peter Davis, a prosperous Knight of the Hammer, did a good
knocking-down business in Melbourne, and realized a full purse thereby. Davis and Cavenagh of the Herald, never "cottoned" to each other, possibly because the auctioneer did not advertise as liberally in the newspaper as its master wished. However, they were always in a mutually hostile mood, for Davis could well nurse a dislike, and Cavenagh was as good a hater as Dr. Johnson. The ruling desire of Davis was to be elected a member of the City Council, and the unalterable determination of Cavenagh that it should not be if he could prevent it. I have not the correct date, but it would be probably in 1854, when there was a Civic contest in Latrobe Ward, and Davis had early taken the field. Cavenagh was at once on the side of the Opposition candidate, and the struggle grew exciting. There was then on the Herald a literary factotum, a sort of right-hand m a n of Cavenagh, w h o could do everything from a "leader" to a shipping notice, and they generally worked well together, for they found themselves, as time and circumstances were, necessary to each other. T h e employe was the Mr. Finn referred to in other places, as well known as the Post Office, and as active an electioneer as his chief. O n e day during the election excitement the arcades ambo had a row (a rare occurence) in the Herald office, and Finn felt that Cavenagh had dealt him an injustice (not at all unlikely) ; and after Cavenagh had ​jauntily left the scene of altercation, Finn was quizzed by some of the office hands, one of whom scoffingly asked, "Well, I suppose you will be thinking of cutting George now?" "Certainly not," replied the other, "it does not suit m y cards to 'cut' Master George just now, at all events; but ere a week is over I will get another to ' cut' him in a style of which neither you nor he has the slightest notion." There was a general laugh, and the conversation ended. Next day Cavenagh and Finn met, and were seemingly on the best of terms with each other. They spoke about the coming election, and Cavenagh rubbed his hands in high glee, for the other told him, from what he could gather amongst Ward voters, Peter Davis did not stand even the ghost of a chance. " I have just left him," continued Finn, " surrounded by a pack of his supporters, by the Mechanics' Institute. H e was abusing you fearfully, calling you a ' long wretch,' a ' gobemouch,' and 'Buggins,' and declaring before The quoted epithets were he was quite done with you, he'd beat the big drum on your head." well-known nicknames from time to time tacked on to Cavenagh, and the application of any of them always riled him. Cavanagh turned white with rage, bit his lip, and vowed he would make it warm for Davis. "Look here," he said to his satellite, " Y o u go at once and write something that will touch the scoundrel on the raw; and give it to him in style about the Sydney affair. You understand." Mr. Finn lost no time in executing his commission. The " Sydney affair" was a passage in the past life of Peter Davis, of which no colonist need be ashamed, though he felt a morbid sensitiveness about any allusion to it. O n Cavenagh returning to his editorial sanctum in the afternoon, the Davis epistle was ready for his perusal; he read and re-read it, gloated over and pronounced it to be the very thing wanted, and passed it on to the printing office. Next morning at breakfast Peter Davis had the Herald before him, and it was breakfast enough for him. Though he could not stomach it, he had no appetite for anything else. There appeared before him over a nom de plume in itself sufficient to unsettle a greater Stoic,' in very readable type, accentuated by many italicised expressions, a communication of a very pungent and personal description, holding him forth in terms of rancorous reprobation as a character from whom the citizens should run rather than elect, and well seasoned with innuendoes which stung like a scorpion. Swallowing a cup of strong coffee as a "pick-me-up," and snatching the newspaper, he sallied forth, procured a horsewhip, and sought the earliest opportunity of giving Cavenagh a taste of it. The latter resided in Little Flinders Street East, and as he was proceeding to his office about eleven o'clock, Davis met him, and with one well-dealt blow knocked him down, looked at the writhing prostrate figure, and passed on. Cavenagh, though wounded, was not killed, and was assisted to a neighbouring chemist's. H e then, by the aid of a stick, marched on to the office, and when he entered, there was Finn before him, busily engaged in the pretension of doing something. O n beholding Cavenagh with a very long face and disfigured headgear, the blood trickling through the lint stuck on over one of his ears, Finn jumped up, affected much surprise, and exclaimed, "Good heavens! Mr. Cavenagh, what has happened?" " Y o u may well inquire," loudly growled the other, "It is all your doing, you confounded little scoundrel; see what you have got m e through that blackguard letter you wrote about Davis. There, the fellow has gone and half killed m e I believe." "Mr. Cavenagh," responded the other, "you have only yourself to blame, certainly not me. You asked m e to write the letter, and you approved and published it." So saying Finn took up his hat and papers and departed, telling Cavenagh as he passed, that he had to run up to the Insolvent Court, at which was jerked out an exclamation more curt than polite, "That he might go to the devil." A n d this is the novel manner in which the promise "to cut Long George " was accomplished. Davis was subsequently proceeded against at the Police Court, and fined ,£5 for the assault. The same Mr. Peter Davis, despite of the Herald influence, attained the so much coveted seat at the City Council table, and was Mayor of Melbourne in 1856-7. H e died a few years ago. THE "RECORDING ANGELS."
joined the Herald, and very soon came into open collision with the judicial despots known to ancient history as Judge Willis and Major St. John. Byrne had two or three rare
JOSEPH BYRNE, ​tiffs with St. John in the Police Court. A more brow-beating bully never sat on the Bench, and if he only heard a reporter speaking above his breath, he would coarsely order him to "shut u p " or he would have him turned out. O n c e he was on the point of relegating Byrne to the lock-up for a high crime of this kind, but at the last m o m e n t changed his mind, and did not. Byrne in consequence was resolved to have it out with him even in his o w n Court, if ever he had the chance, and a chance came sooner and easier than expected. O n e day the Major's temper was sorely tried through a dissatisfied suitor questioning the justice of a decision, whereat St. John, with an oath, swore if he uttered another tittle he would have him r a m m e d into the watch-house. Byrne, w h o was by, waited until the Police Magistrate had retired, and then obtained from another Justice a s u m m o n s against St. John for swearing in Court. T h e Major was fined 5s., and never forgave his prosecutor. It was surmised that through his influence Byrne lost his billet soon after. Possessed, however, of certain friendly influences, he soon managed to procure the appointment of Corporation Rate-collector, m u c h to the disgust of the Herald, in which it was denounced as a gross job. Byrne,finallybolted, leaving two townspeople, w h o were so good-naturedly foolish as to become security for him, to square up the deficiency with the Corporation. Fie was subsequently heard of in distant parts, and in one of the "fifties"returned for a short time incog, to the colony, when he finally disappeared and was never afterwards heard of. There are n o w in Victoria several families of position matrimonially connected with this long-forgotten runaway. was employed on the Patriot at a very early date. He was well-disposed to do a good day's work, but did not m u c h fancy knocking about. Plant him in the Supreme Court and he could grind like a writing-mill for twelve orfifteenhours, turning out the most legible M S . by the quire, and then he would jog h o m e to his hotel (he always lodged at one), pack away a "meat tea" that would serve another for days, absorb a more than liberal allowance of " half-an-half" —then tuck himself in the blankets, and be "as happy as a king" until morning. H e was connected off and on with various papers for several years, but as the years accumulated so his thirst increased. His sprees were more frequent, and at length no dependence could be placed on him. After the gold discoveries he was obliged to quit Melbourne, and he lived, or rather existed, by odd jobs on some provincial journal, shepherding, or hut-keeping, but mostly on that most precarious of walks in colonial life conventionally termed "the wallaby track." Twice every year he m a d e his way to town, and called upon an old Press friend, who, on such occasions, usually presented him with half-a-sovereign, which poor Corp looked forward to with the certainty of an annuitant drawing a dividend of Government Stock. W h e n the days of adversity fell upon Corp, Finn m a n y a time helped the hand that befriended him m a n y a long day before at the old forgotten Criminal Sessions, and thefirsttime Corp arrived from the country he was told that every half-year trip he m a d e there should be a half-sovereign ready for him, to eat it or drink it, or do what he liked with it. T h e annuitant so lived for some twenty years, and the benefactor, w h o is still alive, has often told the queer story.
WILLIAM CORP
G. D. BOURSIQUOT, referred to in the editorial group, made his first appearance as a journalist in the capacity of reporter for the Herald. H e was a spruce, stylish-looking fellow, w h o paid more attention to fashion of his shirt collar, the tie of his cravat, and the sit of his vest, than his fellows. H e was never without a bell-topper, and a ring or two on hisfingers,and prided himself on his reputation as a lady-killer. His forte on a newspaper was light, airy sketching, and smartly got up police paragraphs, though when he passed to the higher grade he carried heavier metal. H e was an amateur actor, and performed occasionally on the boards of the " Pavilion," thefirsttheatre in Melbourne. A propensity for what is in play-going parlance known as "gagging," which he usually overdid, sometimes got him into a scrape, and once when this kind of interpolation drifted into the region of indelicacy, he and Cavenagh had a row over it, and the Herald knew him no more. Boursiquot was very partial to any attractive young lady connected with the early theatricals, and his attention to some of them was of a decidedly pronounced character. After leaving the Herald ​he passed over to the Gazette, and thence his motto was "Excelsior" until he left the colony the reputed possessor of a handsome competence. one of "The Children of Israel," prior to coming to Melbourne filled the office of Chief-Constable in N e w South Wales. A chubby, red-cheeked, dark-haired, unmistakably Jewish-visaged personage, he had a whole foundry of "brass" in his face, and was not only self-assertive, but cheeky. Though comparatively illiterate, he owned other gifts to m a k e up the deficiency, could scrape together readable paragraphs, and as a collector of news scraps was invaluable. It would be hard to find a better general intelligence forager, and at a time when the few officials in Melbourne were insolent and overbearing, no m a n knew better h o w to overawe them with his bluster. H e was employed on the Patriot and Gazette, and having a turn for the stage, was much mixed up with thefirstand second theatres, established in Bourke and Queen Streets. There.was one queer sensation piece—a great favourite with the habitues of the " Pavilion " — i n which the most grotesquely horrible impersonation was a resurrectionist, or " body-snatcher," and in this Davies was unapproachable; so lively, or rather deadly, did he go through the disgusting ordeal of grave-opening. coffin-breaking, and tugging up the corpse effigy by the head. T h e "house" used to be brought down; and as there would be loud calls for an encore, Davies would turn round, "grin horribly a ghastly smile " at the gaping and clapping audience, and roar out " Don't you wish you m a y get it." H e was a deft hand at securing theatrical benefits for himself, and so well able to beat up for such an occasion, that he never failed to have a bumper. There was an unexpected greatness stored up in the future for Davies, for after a lengthened sojourn in Melbourne he transferred himself to Tasmania, and soon grew into a m a n of mark in Hobart T o w n , where he entered the political arena, was elected to the Colonial Parliament, and established the newspaper known as the Mercury. Though not a genius in himself, M r . Davies had the knack of knowing well h o w to select the most suitable implements, h u m a n or mechanical, to work with ; and to the judgment manifested by him in this way, m a y be attributed the success with which his new venture was attended. Davies died several years ago, leaving behind a journal, n o w one of the leading organs of public opinion in the City of Hobart. JOHN DAVIES,
G N F N was a slow-going Scot, and during several years reported for the Herald, Plodding, prosy, and painstaking, he contracted an unbreakable habit of indulging in lengthy, involved, and inexplicably confused sentences—a chaos of clauses without head or tail. It was only the exigency of the times, and the difficulty of obtaining any person capable of doing anything in the newspaper line, that rendered it possible for such a person to retain the position in which he was. Kerr, wishing to pay off a grudge, would cowardly publish a paragraph about F n's periodical weakness for strong drinks, and he nick-named him " Little Sobriety ; " so whenever he felt disposed to start his enemy on the loose, all he had to do was to side-head a paragraph with the sobriquet. The pitcher, however, was carried to the well once too often. H e contrived to get established in a retail business, abjured alcoholism, and did fairly well. In a few years he started two small periodicals, which did not live long, and he was at one time a Corporation Inspector. H e has long since gone the way of all flesh, but members of his family survive. T o those w h o knew him, he seemed an upright, conscientious, and well-intentioned man. O n the Press, at the time written of, he was out of his element, but as a private citizen, was all that could reasonably be desired. had the longest connection of any of his contemporaries with the early Press, and continued during his journalistic career, on one newspaper, the Herald, to which he was attached more than thirteen years, and left only tofillan appointment on the clerical staff of the Legislative Council Department. Arriving in the colony in his teens, and fresh from school, crammed brimful of Greek and Latin classics, but little else, he amused himself by dashing into the excitement of the Civic and Legislative elections, wrote some squibs in prose and verse for the Herald, was spotted by Cavenagh, and appointed the successor of F n. T h e Herald, therefore, though deprived of one " Fin," secured the other " Finn," the n e w comer taking to the newspaper as a fish does to water, and was soon quite at h o m e in a congenial element. A contemporary
EDMUND FINN ​some years ago thus wrote of h i m : — " M r . Finn I verily believe knew every inhabitant of Melbourne of any importance, and knew nearly everything that was going on. H e was especially distinguished for his intimate acquaintance with civic and social matters, and as a gatherer of news was expert and indefatigable. H e was as well k n o w n as ' Johnny Fawkner.' H e was short, and very short-sighted, and had a remarkably big head with plenty in it." H e was the most diminutive of all his compeers; and, though eccentric and impulsive like many of his countrymen, for he was Hibernian " to the backbone and spinal marrow," he was not devoid of forethought and caution, serving his employer well, and soon ingratiating himself as a favourite with everyone, except the section of the community opposed to the politics and personnel of the Herald, or rather its proprietor—Cavenagh. H e was, however, excessively disliked by some of the editors of the other papers; but he snapped his fingers, and said he did not care afigfor them, for, as he never intended to leave the Herald, he should never beg a billet from any of them. Sarcastic aliases were bestowed on him in abundance, but he paid back in the same coin. Kerr dubbed him " Brian Boru," and " T h e Herald Monkey," and as return compliments he called Kerr the " Ourang-outang," the "Ogre," and the "Cyclops." Boursiquot designated him "Classical Neddy," and once, when he roasted, in a speech at St. Patrick's Hall, thefirstproprietor of The Argus, for a wholesale slandering of some Irish orphan girls shipped to the colony, M r . Edward Wilson had it formally registered in The Argus archives that Finn should never, on any account, nor under any circumstances, be employed on that journal. There was never any need to enforce this magnanimous record. T h e wars and the truces waged and ratified between Finn and Fawkner were so many and amusing as to deserve treatment in a separate notice. Cavenagh and he always pulled well together—a circumstance the more surprising that they were both unblessed with the best of tempers, and at times could be hasty and petulant enough; but the reason for this was once briefly and satisfactorily thus explained. A mutual friend (a colonist w h o once bore a titled name) one day said to Cavenagh, " H o w in the world does it happen that you and Finn agree so well ?" " It is easily accounted for," was the response. " W e are both hot-tempered fellows, but w e are essential to each other. H e wishes to retain his berth, and I wish to retain him. W e , therefore, both make it a point to so keep ourselves in restraint, that we rarely have a flare-up; and thus it is that w e get along capitally." Finn soon mastered all the details of the office, and was able to do, and did, everything but " set up." Instances occurred where, with the exception of the shipping, commercial, and advertising branches, he wrote the entire paper from title to imprint. H e came to be regarded as one of the chattels of the establishment, something like an old metal writing-stand, which was never parted with, and was always placed on the editor's table; and when, as in after years occurred, the concern more than once changed hands, the two chattels were taken over in the inventory, for no n e w proprietor would think of parting with either of them, the one for his usefulness, and the other for luck's sake. Once, however, a new editor kicked aside the old pen-and-ink apparatus, which F"inn picked up, and to this day retains it as a souvenir of long ago, a battered, shabby-looking old friend, w h o m he has often declared he would not barter for one of gold. This happened some years after the gold discoveries, and with the old castaway vanished the early prestige and influence by which the journal was surrounded. A s an universal newsmonger Finn was unrivalled, for his continuance upon one paper without a day's intermission brought to him a general knowledge of the m e n and things of the then small Melbourne. H e remained on the Herald from 1845 to 1858, when the long venue was changed by M r . (subsequently Sir J.) O'Shanassy offering him the appointment he held in the Legislative Council until the year 1886. Though, as already stated, an excellent classical scholar, he was heard to say that of English grammar he never learned anything, and could not parse three words of the language. Still his success as a journalist was far from inconsiderable. JOHN CURTIS.—But unquestionably the most extraordinary man ever on the Melbourne Press was
Mr. John Curtis, a near connexion of a once well-known London banker of that name. H e took to such a sowing of " wild oats " at H o m e that his friends expatriated him, and on the voyage to N e w South Wales ​he managed to get entangled in a crim. con. case, which quickly brought him to grief in Sydney. A n arrangement was m a d e with the injured husband which conditioned that Curtis should "make tracks" to V a n Diemen's Land, and he lost no time in doing so. After a brief sojourn there, he arrived in Melbourne, and had no difficulty in finding suitable employment in the counting-house of Messrs. Turnbull, Orr and Co., an old mercantile firm in Collins Street. In 1843 he was an unsuccessful candidate for the T o w n Treasurership. H e finally took to the Press, If Curtis had been steady, and and during his career was on every newspaper in Melbourne. settled down contentedly to his work, he would have been an invaluable ally to any journal, for, though like all the other early reporters, he was practically unskilled in any system of phonography, he attended an important evening meeting, and wrote out, single-handed, between five and six ordinary columns of brevier for the next morning's publication. Curtis was m u c h given to spirituous and fermented enjoyment, yet his imagination was never more active, or his pen more lively, than when he was "three sheets in the wind." Though the converse of an Israelite, there was so m u c h of the Caucasian in his appearance that the first time Sir C. G. Duffy beheld him he was startled at what he believed, for a moment, to be the ghost of the great English statesman afterwards ennobled as Lord Beaconsfield. It was often said of Curtis by one w h o knew him well "That he would sell you for sixpence, and spend a shilling on you." A n d so it was. Poor Jack was the gayest and jolliest fellow that could be found. Wherever he went he carried an atmosphere of fun and dare-devilry about with him, and as a boon companion he had no rival near the throne, for he was the boy to " keep the table in a roar." H e was always in difficulties of some kind—in fact, was never out of a scrape. Ultimately his increasing dissipation drove him off the Melbourne journals, and he had to take refuge on some of the weak suburban saplings then beginning to sprout at Collingwood, Richmond, and other localities. At length there was an end to his tether, and he died very suddenly over twenty years ago. two of the old newspaper identities were oftener in enmity or amity than "Johnny" and "Neddy," as they were universally termed; indeed, they were hardly ever spoken of but as "Johnny Fawkner" and " N e d d y Finn." Though Fawkner had retired from the Patriot, and was never pecuniarily interested in any other journal, you might as well expect an uncaged bird to keep away from a greenwood tree, as "Johnny" to abstain from scribbling. If ever a m a n was incurably afflicted with the cacoethes scribendi et loquendi it was h e ; and whenever the spouting season was slack, and there was no stump to mount, there he was rasping away in the correspondence branch of one of the journals, always ungrammatical, often illogical, but invariably personal and offensive. If he sustained a defeat at one of the m a n y W a r d or other meetings, which were common, the next morning beheld an abusive rhodomontade from his pen, and he was usually a verbose writer. T h e badness of quality was only equalled by the quantity, thereby doubling or trebling the infliction. Fawkner was as irregular in his moods and tenses as the most complicated Greek verb ; as changeable as a chameleon, and as perverse as the most spoiled child.
FAWKNER AND FINN.—No
" Everything by turns, and nothing long,"
He turned his coat as many times as there are weeks in the year. Originally one of the Scoto-«/w-Kerr clique in the T o w n Council, he shifted to the other side, and on one occasion owed his re-election to a coaxing of the Irish vote. For a time he was a true-blue Orangeman, but transferred his hero-worship from William the Third to St. Patrick, whose green banner he soon deserted through some fresh whim. For a time he would select the Herald, as his speaking-trumpet, then fly to the Gazette, make the round of the Daily News, and so on. About a dozen times in every twelve months he subscribed to, and resigned, each of the various journals; and so he went on, a h u m a n whirligig—so eccentric in its motions that no person could possibly guess its next gyration. From politics "Johnny" would m a k e a running leap into polemics, and the Papacy and all its imputed fallacies would be overhauled. H e would fawn upon and flatter the Irish one month, and the next his clumsily executed blarney would be transfused into gall. In m a n y of such controversies ​Finn would be into him hot and strong, when Fawkner would retort and the other rejoin, generally having the last word, a conquest no other person could gain over Fawkner. H e would stigmatize Finn as the "Papist pigmy," the "Milesian mite," and the "little brat," though in height Johnny" could boast of only about an inch or so over the other. Like Achilles, though not in the heel, there was one point in which Fawkner was vulnerable—one blot in the Fawknerian system—a grinning skeleton in the Fawknerian family closet, which though only to be approached by dexterous innuendo, never failed to hit the mark. Nevertheless, they would be " i n " and " o u t " with each other, for Fawkner was a forgiving soul, and the other was forgetful of injury, and good-natured. Fawkner was always the first to m a k e a peace-offering. T h e treaty, however, would be of short duration, for perhaps in a week after Fawkner would write or say something disgustingly offensive about the Pope, Convents, the Irish, or the Herald; and when in his tantrums, would usually, when he passed, snarlingly greet the other with, "Well, m y little Papist Neddy, h o w do you shape to-day?" T o which the other would sneeringly reply, "Quite well Johnny Capricorn, I hope I see you frisky." A n d thus getting a gentle touch of the harpoon, the other would whisk away with a passionate exclamation of " H o ! h o ! " not venturing a rejoinder. W h e n "out" they always addressed each other as " N e d d y " and "Capricorn," and when "in" as " E d m o n d u s " and "John Pascoe." Fawkner's mother's n a m e was A n n e Pascoe, and there was a charm in the sound which no doubt stirred up the oldfilialtenderness, for he was a fond and dutiful son; and though his mother and sister returned to England a few years after the expatriation of the father, "Johnny" clung affectionately to the old man, and all praise be to his memory for having done so. T o Pascoe Vale, a suburban land section, purchased by him, some seven miles from Melbourne, on what was then k n o w n as the M o o n e e Ponds Road, he gave a maternal designation. Here he was comfortably nested for a considerable time, and grew some of the first and best grapes in the province, baskets of which, and bunches of flowers he often left at Finn's house during the frequent intervals w h e n amicable relations subsisted between them. In most of the early party squabbles engendered by the Corporation and Legislative elections, Fawkner and Finn took different sides. Fawkner and O'Shanassy used to have stiff onslaughts, but "Johnny" was no match for " Jack," and generally ran away like a whipped hound, for some of such scenes would occur in the open streets. O'Shanassy was the acknowledged General of the Irish Battalions, and Finn was a sort of aide-de-camp in his suite. They were very intimate .friends, and very often together, so that wherever the one was visible the other was not far off. "Johnny" Fawkner would sometimes call Finn " Big Jack's Jackal." O'Shanassy was, when he liked, a long-stepped walker, and, compared with the other, was as if indued in the seven-league boots of the giant of nursery fable; and when in such pedestrian humour, the little fellow trotted hand passibus cequis by his side, often to cause m u c h amusement, for the one was tall as the other was short. Finn, through his familiarity with O'Shanassy, and position on the Herald, a quasi-Irish organ, acquired a popularity with his countrymen second only to that of the Generalissimo, and to engage with him during a heated election was sometimes a rather risky undertaking, as he was well backed by devoted myrmidons. Fawkner and he met one day in Elizabeth Street. They were both in company with canvassing staffs of rival candidates, and rather excited with the work. Fawkner let off a wholesale volley of abuse of everything. Popish, from R o m e to Father Geoghegan, and everything Irish from " B i g Jack" to "Papist Neddy." T h e Irish detachment was more numerous than the other; Finn was in c o m m a n d , and his Sergeant-major was a wild Celtic cordwainer named Pat Kennedy, w h o at once called upon his adherents to "give the miserable crawler Fawkner a rousing volley of groans." W h e n the bi-cameral system of government was instituted in 1856, Fawkner was elected by the Central Province as one of its representatives in the Legislative Council, where he continued until his death. Finn, he fanatically believed to have been brought into official relation with the upper branch of the Parliament for ulterior designs—to serve as a sort of spy, or plain-clothes policeman— a mouchard w h o would be ever working in the dark, taking notes and making observations, all for the special information and enlightenment of the prime Popish emissary, O'Shanassy. H e talked of it EEE ​amongst members, prated about it to messengers, and whenever he met his bete noir in a lobby or a committee-room he rated him, and threatened all sorts of exposure. H e even went so far as to express an intention of tabling a motion in the Council on the subject. T h e annoyance at length became so persistent and petulant, that Finn determined upon seeing it out with Fawkner at thefirstfavourable opportunity. This occurred, for when they met one day at the intersection of Victoria Parade and Nicholson Street, Finn, before the other had time to say something nasty, thus accosted him: " L o o k here, m y ancient friend, 'Old Capricornus,' I was anxious to meet you away from all Parliamentary precincts for fear of committing a breach of privilege upon the individual n o w known as the 'Honourable Johnny.' I have simply to say to you that the next time I hear any more of your goings on about me, I shall get an upholsterer to manufacture an effigy of you. This I shall get done with a pair of horns sprouting from the head, and the n a m e branded on the breast, in true Port Arthur style; and I'll have it hung from that tree (pointing to one of which the trunk still remains (1888), and all the fast Irishmen in Melbourne dancing about it. I never made you a promise before that I did not keep ; and so sure as you are Johnny Fawkner, the son of his father (you know what I mean by that), I'll keep this. So au revoir." Fawkner passed on without a word, and the shadow of the dreaded simulacrum kept him tongue-tied for more than four years — a marvellous taciturnity for him. At length there came a fierce explosion about 1863, when Fawkner took it into his head that Finn had something to do with the Victorian, a R o m a n Catholic journal then in existence; and there was another newspaper campaign, short and sharp, but doomed to be the last. T h e same year an extraordinary and un-Parliamentary burst-up was near occurring in the Council Chamber. Finn was temporarily promoted to the Assistant Clerkship, and consequently had to take his place wigged and gowned at the table of the House; whilst Fawkner, through his delicacy of health, habitually wore a small velvet cap, which he never doffed during the proceedings. O n thefirstoccasion of Finn's robed appearance in the chambe^ before the President (Sir J. Palmer) took the Chair, Fawkner ambled over to the new comer, and commenced to monodise jeeringly in something sounding like, " Don't w e look well in our wig! Don't we look well in our wig."! Finn turning on him quietly said, "Johnny Capricorn, let m e change m y wig for your nightcap, and we'll be the two champion beauties of the world; but before I do so the nightcap must be fumigated." With that Fawkner danced like a mad dervish about the table, and protested that the m o m e n t the Chair was taken he would report the insult to the President. T h e Honourables Captain Cole and W . Hull interposed their good offices to still the storm so inauspicously brewing, and after m u c h persuasion they prevailed upon Fawkner to be quiet. Fawkner and Finn never after quarrelled, owing most likely to the former's advancing years, and his increase of bodily ailments. T h e political turn assumed by public events had also something to do with it, for Fawkner was n o w an ultra-Conservative, and the other, though since he took office he did not show it, was the reverse of a red-hot Democrat. Fawkner at last ventured one "day to Finn's room, and by the presentation of N o . 2 of his old foolscap newspaper, a book, a photograph, and a paper of buns coaxed the other to forgive and forget, and so they mutually agreed to wipe out all the old scores chalked up as outstanding arrears, to mentally sign a joint acquittance, and ever more, be friends. This compact so singular, all circumstances considered, was faithfully kept, and the depreciatory terms of " Johnny Capricorn " and " Papist N e d d y " were sunk in the waters of oblivion, from the bottom 'of which they never emerged; and " E d m o n d u s " and "John Pascoe" grew into recognized "standing orders," never to be suspended. O n one point, however, Fawkner took his stand, viz., he would have nothing in return for what he bestowed. H e liked to be placing Finn under small obligations, and he was humoured accordingly. T h e only way in which any reciprocation of favours ever occurred was in the case of Fawkner accepting from his beneficiaire photographs of himself and Father Geoghegan, the first R o m a n Catholic Priest in Port Phillip, between w h o m and Fawkner there never was anything approaching an entente cordiale. Destiny or chance had also provided for the transfer of O'Shanassy from the Assembly to the Council, and " Johnny " dropped down to the condition of a Parliamentary ​henchman to his quondam, " Big Jack"; but, though they fought side by side in some Legislative struggles, Fawkner never took so kindly to him as he did to his " Edmondus." Respecting the Convent question, Finn succeeded in converting Fawkner so far to his views, that they had arranged to pay a visit together to the Convent of Mercy, in Nicholson Street, an intention which would have certainly been carried out but for Fawkner's demise. In August, 1869, Fawkner was conversing with some of his fellow-lawmakers. T h e group were soon joined by M r . O'Shanassy with w h o m Fawkner shook hands. T h e members then proceeded to the House, and in the corridor Fawkner and Finn met and "Johnny" held forth his hand, which the other jocularly refused to take, " H o , ho, m a n " was the exclamation, " W h a t has gone wrong with you, m y fine fellow." "Simply this," replied the other, " I saw you just n o w shake hands with the Irish giant outside there, and I don't mean to shake yours, you ought to be ashamed of yourself." " W h y , " asked Fawkner, "have you had a shindy with 'Big Jack?' I thought you and he were thick friends." " All right," laughingly replied the other, "Johanna Pascoevenni absolvo te. "Come," shouted "Johnny," "don't you go bothering m e with your dog-Latin. Though you are Irish, I have often known to m y cost that you can speak English well. So out with what you have to say in our mother-tongue." " All right," was the response. T h e translation is, " John Pascoe, I give you absolution, which, in the R o m a n Catholic faith, means, that when a sinner repents, and promises to sin no more, he is forgiven; but the penance on you is this, that you must not repeat the trangression." " Oh, I understand all now," replied " Johnny"; " But there's old Palmer commencing his Lord's Prayer, I must be off. Good-bye." They shook hands, Fawkner went his way, and this was the last time they ever spoke to each other. T h e next morning Fawkner was stricken down by a fatal affliction; he was never seen in public again, and he died on the 4th September, 1869. REPORTING REMINISCENCES.
The modern newspaper pen-drivers are much better remunerated than their predecessors were in the age of which I a m writing, when the highest "screw" was ,£3 per week, and occasionally not so much. Neither were the payments so punctually made as they are n o w ; for when one of the ancient journals got into what is slangily known as " Queer Street," the employes, literary and mechanical, had often to go for weeks without any "tin," and were never squared up with until the end of the quarter, when the accounts owing would come in. In some instances quarter-day failed even to bring this comfort. T h e Herald was an exception to this inconvenient, though occasionally imperative practice, for one thing Cavenagh always punctually did, i.e., pay off every farthing of salaries and wages on the Saturday. However he contrived it, the rhino was there, and so far employment on the Herald possessed the material advantage that the labourer was not only deemed worthy of, but regularly received his hire. Nor had the olden reporters the modern chance of squeezing some perquisites out of what are termed weekly expenses, for no such item was known amongst them. T h e circuit of their operations was restricted, for practically before the gold discoveries there were no suburbs except Collingwood. There were no evening papers to be rushed out, no Eastern or Western Districts to be " done," no interviewing of Ministers, nor touting about Departments. T h e Supreme Court, with its one-man machine of a Judge, Commissioner Barry's Court of Requests, " Little-Go," the T o w n Council, the Police Court, the Coroner, and occasional meetings only had to be looked after. Railways and omnibusses were entombed in futurity, and cabs were few and dear. T h e reporters, therefore, performed their duties as an infantry corps, except on rare and special occasions, when they might have to travel to Brighton, Williamstown, or some other place out of town, and then they were horsed. T h e only regular cavalry amongst them were the shipping reporters, who, when incoming vessels were signalled of an evening from the Flagstaff, were permitted to ride to the beach (whence they boarded the vessel by boat), and back again. After a few years, the newspaper proprietors started boats at Williamstown, and in emergencies, the shipping reporters used to ride up from Sandridge, though rarely they had to travel by the EEE 2 ​overland route from Williamstown, and some narrow escapes from drowning happened, when the punt did not work, and the horses had to be s w a m over the Saltwater River. But the old reporters had, in their way, certains rights and immunities, which, I dare say, some members of their posterity would be only too glad to inherit, and of these I shall specify three, viz.—No reckoning was ever taken from them at public-houses, where they could personally order what they liked, and drink it free, gratis; they were never supposed to "stand treat" for anyone, but on the contrary, swallow as many nobblers or pints as were offered, to which, indeed, there was seldom any stint; and thirdly, no constable was supposed to lock up one of them, be he as drunk as Bacchus, and as uproarious as a lunatic in a refractory ward. These usages, originating in a remote antiquity, were legalized by prescription, and consolidated by time into a species of C o m m o n L a w more observed than most of the statutes. T h e old reporters were on more convivially fraternal terms with the public than their successors, and the promiscuous treating of them was more general. There were never more than three at a time on the Press, and, as they were lo be seen everywhere, the people got to k n o w them well, became familiarized with them, and on the whole liked them m u c h better than the editors, w h o were always mixed up with small bitter cabals or cliques. Such an occurrence as the knocking d o w n of a reporter was unknown; a fellow for a scurrilous paragraph of which he was morally k n o w n to be the writer, through previous threats or some other equally probable reason, might get a shaking or a black eye, casualties nearly always cured without Police Court intervention, by a bout of drinking, an apology, or something more substantial. But events of this kind were of very rare occurrence. Stenography was unknown for m a n y years, though by practice the Pressmen acquired a m o d e of abbreviating long hand, which, with quick writing, retentive memories and a knowledge of the few subjects that would be debated, enabled them to turn out reports several columns in length, where speeches read much better than they were delivered, and the speakers were not only often satisfied but thankful. Besides, some of the more prominent public m e n supplied their o w n addresses to the Press— Drs. Lang, Palmer and Greeves, Messrs. E. Curr, A. Cunninghame, W . Westgarth and others always did so; Judges Willis, Therry and A'Beckett were equally accommodating, but Judge Jeffcott never would do so. In 1845, o n e day Corp, Davies and Finn were reporting in the Supreme Court; Mr. Justice Therry delivered a judgment, and the M S . was handed by the Associate (Mr. R. W . Shadforth) to Corp w h o sat nearest to the Bench, upon, of course, the well-known implied understanding that the Press representatives would make the usual arrangement. Davies whispered to Finn, " T h e Patriot comes out in the morning, and it would be a good lark to do it out of the judgment." "All right," responded the other; "you'll be a smart fellow if you succeed, but do so if you can." "You'll see; m y word, if I don't," was Davies' rejoinder, and the subject for the time dropped. Towards the afternoon Davies told Corp he wished to make a brief abstract of the paper as the Gazette would not print it in full, and for this purpose Davies obtained the judgment, saying he would get what he required from it in the Insolvent Court, and would be sure to speedily return it. "Here it is then," replied Corp handing it over, "and be sure you lose no time in giving it back, as I wish to send it with other copy to the office." "All right," answered Davies, "I'll let you have it in a brace of shakes." Off he dashed ostensibly for the Insolvent Court, then held in a room of the Court building ; but in reality he hastened to the Gazette office, and showed no more at Court that day. Corp, as the evening advanced without any Davies, got into a towering passion, and swore vehemently that "he would give the other what he would not relish when he met him." O n the adjournment of the Court he set forth m search of the absentee, and not finding him at the Gazette, hunted him up at home in Collingwood, where he regularly thrashed him, and recovered the judgment M S . Davies, though rather fond of troubling the Police Court on less feeling provocation, did not do so this time. Next, day he laughed the matter off, and declared that instead of Corp having given him a hiding, "the boot was on the other leg;" but no one, knowing the two men, believed a word of it O n the occasion of the departure of M r . Justice Jeffcott in 1845, he was honoured with a farewell prandial celebration at the Royal Hotel, in Collins Street. There was a large fashionable ​gathering for the time, the Mayor (Mr. Henry Moor) presided, and Superintendent Latrobe was present. There was a great shindy over returning thanks for the Press. T h e Stewards had selected Cavenagh, of the Herald, as respondent; but when be was called on Kerr, of the Patriot, and M'Combie, of the Gazette, both jumped up and would not allow it, each claiming precedence. Immense uproar followed, and the Chairman's calls of " Order! Order! " were drowned in a hiccuping babel of half-drunken clamourings. Kerr, with a carving-knife, appeared as if he meditated spearing the Chairman. M ' C o m b i e was more persistent, and not so noisy, and, as the representative of the senior newspaper, would insist on a hearing; but to no purpose. M'Combie, with his eyes doggedly fixed on the table, maundered and mumbled, and remained immovable until his reporter (Davies), w h o was sitting next, seized him by the skirt of a swallow-tailed coat, thundered in his ear, "Sit down you fool," and gave a tremendous pull, which not only brought the recalcitrant orator on his beam-ends, but tore off one of the coat-tails, which Davies retained as a trophy. I was once at a dinner in Smith's old Queen Street Theatre, when a highly-respected salesman (long out of the world) was d o w n for a leading toast. H e had his printed speech rolled like a tape around his finger, intending to use it as a prompter. H e was well on in the drinking way, and drawing off the oration, as if a loose glove finger, he placed it by him on the table whilst having another glass "to keep his pecker u p " during the approaching word ordeal. "Jack" Davies picked up the invaluable roll, and secreted it, whilst the other was descanting; and when the literary bairn was missed, the distress of the parent was irresistibly comical, "Oh," he piteously whined, "where's m y speech ? I'd wager that some blackguard reporter, Curtis, Davies, or Finn, has got it;" and then, addressing the trio sitting and laughing near him, he yearningly besought them if they knew anything of it to return it, for a joke was a joke, and he would not "bear" such fun any longer. Bluster or bounce, wheedling or coaxing was equally powerless in obtaining a restoration, and so the speaker, after a very stammering exhibition, hastily gave the toast, and sat down in a condition of much confusion. Next morning a full report of the abducted oration was published.
THE FIRST CIVIC L^INNER.
In 1S54, Mr. John Hodgson, then Mayor of Melbourne, gave a grand civic entertainment at the Criterion (nee the Royal Hotel), Collins Street, S a m Moss, proprietor, in honour of the recently arrived Governor, Sir Charles Hotham. T h e large room wasfilledby all the city notabilities, and a capital feed and plenty to drink produced general good humour, for it was one of the three wild years of the olden time; and as an entertainment of the sort, would cost from three to four guineas per head, many of those w h o went there were resolved to have the money's worth, no matter whether it was the Mayor's cash or not. T h e following is the menu carte:—
SOUP.—
A la Reine ; Julienne Mock Turtle, a l'Anglaise Sherry. FISH.—
Baked, a la Domestique ; Stewed, a la Koyale Ditto, au Marechal. ENTREMETS A N D Ron.—
Roast Turkey, au Prince of Wales Ditto, ditto, a la Henry VIII. Ditto, ditto, au Wellington Roast Goose, au Naturel Ditto, ditto, a la Native Roast Fowl, au Monument Ditto, ditto, a la Cannonade Saddle of Mutton, au John Bull Vol au Vent, a la Financiers
Fillets of Beef, aux Truffles Chartreuse of Wild Pigeon Chevaliere des Poulets Bigarre Epigram me d'Agneau aux Petits Pois Still and Sparkling Hock, and Champagne Roast Teal Salad, a la Criterion ; Ditto of Lettuce ; Ditto of Celery. DESSERT.— Pudding au Royale ; Plum ditto a l'Anglaise Blanc Mange, H o m e Recollections Ditto, ditto, April Smiles Jelly, Golden Age Ditto, "Lead On," Hock, Sherry, and Madeira. FRUITS.—
Apples, Oranges, Almonds, Raisins, Figs, &c. Port, Claret, and Sherry ; Coffee. ​About 9 o'clock more than half of the diners gave unmistakable evidence of their "dining out," and as they dawdled over the work, rather slow progress was m a d e through a lengthy list of toasts. Three "gentlemen of the Press" were sitting together, Messrs. Charles Curr, and T. Warner, of The Argus, and Finn, of the Herald. Amongst the most prominent of the magnates grouped right and left of the Chairman, was Dr. Palmer, then Speaker of the Legislative Council, and when his turn arrived proposed a toast. Amongst others he had tabular returns compiled to demonstrate the present stability and future greatness of Victoria, when M r . Curr, the reporter, jumped up from his seat somewhere in the centre of the feast, and facing the speaker, loudly called him to order. S o m e confusion followed this unseemly interruption, and during a temporary calm, the intruder vehemently protested against the introduction of statistics upon such an occasion. " Figures (exclaimed he) were excellent things when trotted out in proper time and place, but they were altogether out of season and utterly indigestible at such a celebration, from which all such extraneous nonsense should be excluded." A s for Sir Charles Hotham, he looked as if he would like to have the offender on board a man-of-war, whilst Dr. Palmer was so disgusted that he cut short his oratorical swim and brought up m u c h sooner than he intended. O n e of the most laughable melees imaginable occurred at a house-warming once given at an hostelry known as the Commercial Lnn, situated where Rocke and Co.'s large furnishing establishment now stands in East Collins Street. T h e host was a M r . Phillip Anderson, a red-faced, bluff-looking, blunt, good-natured Caledonian. T h e place had recently undergone considerable improvements, the principal being the addition of a large room, and to duly inaugurate the auspicious event, " Phil" s u m m o n e d a gathering of the clans to a free dinner, the liquors to be paid for. T h e invitation was freely responded to, so the place was crowded. Amongst the guests were the then three reporters, Messrs. Corp, Curtis, and Finn for the Patriot, Gazette, and Herald, not for the purpose of enlightening the world with any account of the festivities, but to enjoy themselves as private individuals. After the cloth was removed, the drinking was carried on in such style as almost to put to the blush the great Scotch carousing festival known as the Hogmanay. N o n e of your modern mixtures, no griping "half-and-half," or "two ales," none of the sickening wines then known as "black strap," or "gooseberry," but whisky, brandy, and rum, either "neat," or sparingly attempered with Yarra water. B y io o'clock the place was a roaring intoxicated Bedlam, talking and shouting, and disputing, and amongst those in the most advanced stage of elevation was Curtis. Curiosity as to what was to come enforced a temporary silence, when Curtis, with a most insinuating smile, and with the graceful and gentlemanly manner which he could, when he so wished, assume, informed the Chairman that he was so intensely charmed by the hospitality with which he had been treated by his Scottish fellow colonists on that very pleasant night, he would, if permitted, endeavour to contribute to their enjoyment by treating them to a highly fashionable dance which had caused quite a furore in London just before he had left, and had never, so far as he was aware, been danced in the colonies. But in order that all m a y have an opportunity of beholding the peculiar movements, it would be necessary for him to ascend a table for the purpose. T h e proclamation of a Curtis dance was such an unexpected novelty that the assemblage broke out into thunders of applause, and one of the tables was rapidly cleared of its glassware. Curtis, stripping off his boots, was up in a jiffey, when the applause was renewed with increased vigour, the debutant, if not blushing, indulging in the most profound obeisances and genuflexions. T h e dance in which he was going to exhibit was a Caledonian strathspey, and the instrument he would play on was a Scotch fiddle. H e immediately commenced to cut the most grotesque capers, jumping and kicking, and posturing in a manner unknown to any phase of the Terpsichorean Art, all the time grinding on the "Scotch Fiddle," which was simply working the index finger of the right hand like a fiddle-bow. The excited Scotchmen stared with open mouths and blank amazement, not clearly comprehending the drift of what was going on, many of them dimly fancying that a m a d m a n was playing antics before them. At length Curtis' feet and violin both came suddenly to a full stop, when he burst into a wild fit of horse-laughter, and roared at the highest pitch of voice he could c o m m a n d , " Y o u Scotch loons, you drunken sweeps, down on your marrow-bones, and pray, ' G o d bless the D u k e of Argyle.'" ​T o persons not versed in slang it m a y be necessary, to enable them to estimate the unpardonable offence committed, to explain that the phrase, "Scotch Fiddle," had a supposed reference to a vulgar insinuation originating at a period when England and Scotland were engaged in internecine feuds, that an unchanged oatmeal diet so cutaneously affected those w h o dwelt north of the Tweed as to require thefinger-frictionof the "Scotch Fiddle" to alleviate some of the symptoms. T h e appeal on behalf of the D u k e of Argyle is connected with the same tradition, as a m e m b e r of that noble house once had erected a number of iron posts in Glasgow to indicate the boundaries of his property, which uprights were m a d e a "double debt to pay," by the poorer classes of the townfolk using them as auxiliaries of the " Scotch Fiddle," i.e., scratching against them. T h e Scotchmen were so astounded at the audacity that for a minute or so they did not well know h o w to act. T h e point of the grossly offensive joke was impervious to m a n y of them, but it soon went the round of the circle, and there were loud shouts of " Kick Curtis out." T h e spectacle at length was so irresistibly ludicrous that a loud involuntary expression of laughter ensued, and half-a-dozen lubberly fellows were meditating a rush upon the offender, when the Chairman and a few others good-humouredly interposed, and the result was that Curtis was to be forgiven if he m a d e an unqualified and humble apology. H e consented to the terms of compromise, and as a tipsy orator I never knew but one (a certain modern M e m b e r of Parliament) to even approach him. H e was a capital extempore speaker, the drunker (provided he could only keep on his feet) the better, and he n o w burst forth in a really eloquent and even pathetic strain. H e lauded the land of the Thistle and everything belonging to it to the skies, declared that like Byron, he was a half-blooded Scotian himself, and there was no land under heaven whose sons, both at h o m e and abroad, had ever so distinguished themselves in art and science, law and literature, peace and war, by their genius, acquirements, erudition, diplomacy, and bravery ; and as pioneers of a new country like Port Phillip, their industry, honesty, and thrift sent them far ahead of all other colonists. T h e three greatest personages know to him in ancient or modern history, whose memory he carried round him in a halo of hero-worship, were R o b Roy, Robbie Burns, and John Barleycorn. A s for the last-named individual, he invented a beverage, beside which the so m u c h poetised Ambrosia of Olympus tasted but as ditch-water, and though the bequeather of such a legacy might be forgotten in the rush of years, so long as a shred of civilization remained, whisky would continue to be one of the chief solacers of the great family of mankind. A s to the fantasia he had executed on the "Scotch fiddle," it was meant as a good-natured joke, for he had no dearer or more esteemed friends on earth than the proprietors of some of the jolly faces he saw around him. If they wished for an apology where no affront was intended, they might have it a thousandfold, and his best wishes thrown in as a tilly. Cavenagh, the proprietor of the Herald, always detested Curtis, and would never have anything to do with him, so though he had been connected at some time, more or less, with every other journal, he never figured on the Herald until after the gold discoveries. Even then it was with m u c h reluctance Cavenagh would engage him, and only did so after the persistent representations of Finn, w h o was only too glad to put in a good word for an old friend, by this time given up by the other papers, and driven to his wits' end to make both ends meet, especially as he had taken it into his head to get married, and had more than himself to look out for. At last it approached the crisis and Cavenagh saith : " But Curtis is such a consummate scamp and confounded liar that I cannot consent to employ him on the Herald. Besides, see h o w the fellow in past times used to blackguard m e in the Courier, the Albion, and the Daily News. H o w can you expect a mortal m a n to forget all that?" Curtis was installed on the Herald, through Finn's intercession, and so remained for several years, until he grew so outrageously unmanageable that Mr. F. B. Franklyn, w h o succeeded Cavenagh, was compelled to discharge him. CURTIS AND THE MISSIONARY DOCTOR.
The first City Missionary in Melbourne was a nondescript looking old worthy, who flourished in the early years of the gold mania. H e had an inside breast pocket to his coat, in which ​there was as m u c h storage as a moderate-sized carpet bag, and here he had put away as travelling baggage a small copy of the N e w Testament, a well-thumbed Prayer Book, a number of tracts, and odds and ends, with an assortment of pills, which in his belief excelled the Egyptian miracles of Cagliostro. Between his fingers he usually paraded a card inscribed " T h e Reverend John L. Milton," but he soon got to be universally known as " the Doctor." I never could learn in what University or College he took his degree, or whether he was a D.D., M.D., L.L.D., or Mus. D.; but that he was " Doctor Milton" with the public, the publicans and sinners, the Magistrates, the Police, and the reporters was an accomplished fact. H e was an almost constant visitor at the watchhouses, where he had the cntrc every hour of the twenty-four, waged open In the latter war upon the public-houses, and professed himself a reclaimer of fallen w o m e n . respect he went so far as to open a Refuge in a cottage in Spring Street, a few doors southward of the White Hart Hotel, where he soon got together half-a-dozen " rescued lambs," a small flock out of which he netted considerable capital, for he m a d e the establishment pay also. Occasional scandalous whisperings flew abroad in connection with this " Asylum," but in this respect I believe they were utterly groundless. With Finn, of the Herald, he was on the most cordial terms ; but Curtis, of the Daily News, and he were often at drawn daggers, and sometimes in the public streets there would be a stiff scolding encounter between them. T h e Doctor on cold water was never an equal for Curtis on r u m and no water. Milton would shake his head, uplift his hands, and protest that the other was a child of Belial, a m a n of sin, a lost soul, a vessel of unrighteousness—while Curtis would retort on him as a villainous old impostor, a hoary fraud, a thundering hypocrite, whose grey beard would yet descend in sorrow to the grave. In 1856, the Doctor, at m u c h trouble and some outlay, got up a temperance demonstration at the Mechanics' Institute. Placards and advertisements were not spared, and through brisk beating up there was an assemblage of some hundreds. T h e newspapers were rather sick of the great temperance missionary, and the reporters attending the meetings had each instructions to cut down the affair to short paragraphs. There were three of them there, including Curtis, in anything but a teetotal condition. Prior to the commencement of business, Milton, approaching the Press table, expressed a hope that as the meeting would undoubtedly be a marked success, a lengthy report would be published the next morning, and if favoured so far this time, he should never forget it. Curtis led Milton to believe that each newspaper would give a four-column report of the proceedings, and the reporters would consequently be engaged the greater part of the night in writing out their reports. If they were supplied with suitable refreshments the published reports would be considerably the better for it, and if the doctor would cash out for such a good purpose the great cause he had so m u c h at heart would be immensely the gainer. T h e plausibility of the Curtis "gammoning" so worked upon Milton that he actually slipped Curtis three sovereigns—one each for the fellows who were to do such wonders. W h e n the conference concluded Curtis rejoined his friends, and requested that whenever Milton looked towards them during the proceedings to pretend to be working zealously with their pencil-scratching, for a reason he would afterwards detail to them. Returning from the meeting, Curtis informed his colleagues of what has been related, who, hastening with their paragraphs to their respective offices, gave them in, and then repaired to a favourite tavern where they had a sumptuous supper and m a d e a night of it, at the Doctor's expense, in more than one sense of the phrase. W h e n Milton, next day, eagerly consulted the newspapers, he could not believe his eyes, for in lieu of four columns, there was something like a four-line notice in each. H e had been completely bitten, but he saw that, under the circumstances, to bear in silence was his best course ; and he afterwards spoke bitterly whenever the " do" was jokingly referred to. H e protested over and over that it was the most fraudulent and disgraceful transaction his experience had ever known in a world of sin and crime.
FINN AND THE AMATEUR POLITICIAN.
Previous to each Annual Licensing Session some of the reporters would gather in some gleanings ; for a person applying for a n e w license, or the keeper of a tavern marked by the police, ​would retain the services of a newspaper m a n to prepare a memorial to the Bench. In 1855 an individual, whose cognomen commenced with a "P.," wealthy and well known, with more bank-notes than brains, conceived an ardent longing to secure a seat in the first Legislature of the colony. H e meditated a raid upon a Western constituency, and believed that if he could get up a rousing speech, and deliver it well at meetings to be held throughout the district, he would carry the election. H e conferred with M r . Finn, of the Herald, and was frankly told not to m a k e a fool of himself. T h e would-be senator indignantly replied that his mind was m a d e up, and start he would, sink or swim, regardless of consequences; but I wish you to write m e a speech, ," and show m e h o w to speak it properly, and I will pay you well for it. " Very well, P was the practical rejoinder, " M y figure, and I have no second price, will be fifteen guineas for a speech, and five guineas for lessons in elocution, which latter m e a n showing you how to deliver it. But you are distinctly to understand that beyond supplying the speech, and doing all I can to try and make you master it, I have no further responsibility; and our bargain gives no claim whatever for any kind of puffing or support in the Herald. A s to the result of the election, of which I entertain no manner of doubt, you must blame nobody but yourself." T h e terms were accepted, and an appointment m a d e for the second day after, when the oration was to be out of the workman's hands, and a hint was dropped that as the debt was more one of honour than a legal contract, and might not be as easily recoverable as tailors' wages, the only handsome and proper way of doing the thing would be for the embryo legislator to bring the cash with him ; and this was likewise agreed to. Both parties were up to time. T h e speech was ready, and P was so delighted with the long-rounded periods, though understanding little of their meaning, as to protest that he was as sure of his election as that chalk is not cheese. T h e consideration was produced, and found its way into a strange pocket. But n o w an amusing hitch 's education was so limited that he could barely manage to sign a cheque, and occurred. This P read only large print. A s to deciphering even large copper-plate writing, he could no more accomplish it than fly to the moon. T h e difficulty then was what was to be done. H o w could the speech be committed to m e m o r y if the orator was unable to read writing ? T h e perplexity was at length resolved by Finn suggesting that it be printed confidentially at the Herald office. The other demurred, through an apprehension that it might get wind, when he should be the laughing-stock of the town ; but he was pacified by the assurance that the other would personally see that the typography would ' be done in the most secret manner, that three copies only should be struck off, and the type would be then distributed. T h e copies were accordingly printed in the largest long primer that could be got, and when submitted to the candidate, it was ascertained that he could master all except the polysyllables, with which it was copiously interlarded, and these he climbed over by spelling. T h e rehearsals, which came off at Finn's house, were the most comically absurd exhibitions conceivable. T h e recruit was placed at one end of a room opposite a large mirror, and the work commenced. "Now," saith the drill-sergeant, "stand up straight, throw back your head, advance your breast as much as possible, press the floor as hard as you can with your heels, and by that attitude you will acquire an air of independence, and nothing tells better than that. Take this paper in your left hand, and hold it as far off as you can read; and though you cannot be considered a far-sighted individual, you are blessed with good optics, and can see well. Whenever you meet with a big word, roar it out as loud as you can, put on a half grin, clench your right fist, and let fly just as if you were in a prize fight, hitting out from the shoulder. Whenever you come to a full stop, flourish your right hand over your head, stamp with your left foot, and bow. Now, as you have never addressed an election meeting, I must supply you with some presence of mind, a confidence in yourself, or otherwise the jeering, and laughing, and shouting, and hissing, will put you off your chump, and then the game is up, for the only way to battle against election rowdyism is to keep your temper. Whatever m a y be said to you, mind you are not to get vexed. N o telling a fellow ' he's a liar,' sending him to —, or promising to punch his head. Therefore, I shall laugh at and m a k e fun of you, whilst you are getting through your speech, and you must not ​be vexed or offended, for I a m only accustoming you to what is in store for you just as they break in troopers' horses to stand fire by discharging pistols at their ears." This absurd burlesque was continued for half-a-dozen times; and beyond tripping over the sesquipedalia verba, the political novice was tolerably well able to read aloud, and by continuous stewing, had portions of the oration by heart. O n e of the long primer slips he had sewed up as a reserve inside the lining of his coat. T h e triplicate I have before m e as I write. At length he arrived at his destination, and the first meeting he addressed, though there was not a complete breakdown, he so distorted the language put into his mouth, and treated his hearers to such a version of their Mother-tongue, that he was almost unanimously adjudged to be non compos mentis. All the words over two syllables he murdered. Instead of "developing the resources" he promised to "envelop the discourses" of the colony. For "propelling the colony onward to her destined pinnacle of prosperity" he would "dispel her to a hastened clinicle of diversity." W h e n treating of "the vast mineral treasures all nearly, as yet, reposing quietly in their undisturbed abodes," his rendering was "the fast general measures yearly disposing nightly in sequestrated lodes," and so on throughout. But the climax occurred when the rhetorician declared he would " discriminate " (assimilate) Victoria to the n e w world of Columbus." S o m e unmannerly listener asked him to spell "Columbus," whereat the candidate roared with rage, and promised when the meeting "germinated" (terminated) he would give the fellow such a "bussing" as would swell him to the size of an omnibus. However, the candidature was laughed out of the field. was at an end, for Mr. P As the General Election of 1856 approached, the Legislational rabies bit him again, and he would be a candidate for a constituency a few miles from Melbourne, where he said his merits were well-known, and would be appreciated accordingly. Once more he appeared before his political "coach," with an intimation that as he this time intended to be his o w n trainer, all he should require was a slashing preliminary address to the electors, the best article that could be manufactured, and he was prepared to pay a good price. There were then two members of the Bar, w h o have been since Knighted, Sir W . F. Stawell and Sir A. Michie, upon w h o m he had what is colonially termed a mortal "down." W h y he abhorred Mr. Stawell I could never elicit from him, unless, perhaps, it was because he was Attorney-General ; but his grudge against M r . Michie arose from the fact of that gentleman once appearing against him in some Supreme Court cause to which he was a party, when he had a taste of the learned gentleman's bitterly sarcastic tongue. At all events he was now absorbed by two desires, viz., that his address should be better than Stawell's ; and that he might live to see the day when he would be able to meet Michie on the "floor of the Houses," and then and there have it out with him. These two yearnings satisfied, he would be almost willing to lie down and die contentedly. H e was again told he was befooling himself, and there was no chance of his election ; but the answer was he knew better; that was his business, and if he could not obtain the required commodity—for which he was prepared to pay a high figure—he should go elsewhere, and could no doubt be suited. H e preferred, however, to deal with his old friend if he was ready to undertake the job. H e liked his style of work, and m a d e him thefirstoffer. T h e result was that a bargain was clinched between them, and for ,£20 M r . P was to obtain an election address of the A l brand, but beyond supplying it and getting paid, the writer washed his hands of all further responsibility. B y the end of the week the document appeared in the Melbourne newspapers, subscribed by the illiterate aspirant. It was read and laughed at, but no one was found to assert that it was not well done. It was a right thing perched over a wrong name, an anomaly which caused infinite diversion. But the best of the joke was that when Stawell's address to the electors of Melbourne appeared, the Age, in overhauling it, actually expressed regret that the Attorney-General had not sought the literary assistance of the scribe by w h o m the P manifesto had been prepared. This intensely delighted Mr. P , and the address-maker was very m u c h tickled by the Age unconsciously testifying to the fulfilment of the stipulation originally suggested by his customer,