# Punch/Volume 148/Issue 3835/Charivaria

A weekly selection of short humorous items, normally on the first page of each issue.
CHARIVARIA.
Germany, it is stated, has promised to pay Turkey a fifth of the war indemnity, when she gets it. This looks as if she didn't expect to win.
As last, we hear, the enemy has found a song which is becoming as popular as "It's a long way to Tipperary." We refer to "Stop your nibbling, Joffre."
The Sultan of Turkey is reported to be suffering from a severe heart attack, and the Kaiser, it is said, has written to him telling him not to be nervous, and pointing out how soon he himself recovered after his heart had bled for Louvain.
"There is no room in Germany to-day for soft-hearted humanitarians," says Die Post. We had not suspected that the Fatherland was inconveniently crowded with this type.
The production of King Albert's Book is said to have caused many pangs of jealousy to the Kaiser. He must, however, have patience. His army's achievements in Belgium are now being investigated, and Kaiser Wilhelm's Book will appear in due course, and should also cause a sensation.
The Turkish Army despatched "to deliver Egypt" has begun its march to the Suez Canal, but the Egyptians remain calm, being convinced that there is no real danger of their being delivered.
Discontent with their Government's inaction increases among the Italians day by day, and the Tiber has risen.
The report that the Emperor Francis Joseph is seriously ill is denied. As a matter of fact our information is to the effect that His Majesty has not yet been told about the War, as it was feared that it might worry the old gentleman.
On Christmas Eve a bomb was planted by an enemy aeroplane in a Dover garden. This must be a case of intensive culture.
The Crown Prince of Germany is reported to have sent a special emissary to this country in order to report whether The New Clown at the New Theatre is, as he suspects, a disrespectful attack on His Royal Highness.
"The English," says the unspeakable Dr. Karl Peters in the Münchener Neueste Nachrichten, "believe our natural kindness to be mere weakness." Certainly we have never looked upon kindness as being their strong point.
It is announced from Berlin that the Government intends to issue a new set of stamps for use in Belgium. Germany is evidently trying to attach to herself the sympathy of philatelists—a class of men well known for their adhesive propensities.
   "TRADE WITH THE ENEMY FINE."
   Daily Mail.
We think it a mistake, not to say unpatriotic, to praise illegal transactions in this way.
In describing the wonderful escape of the Newcastle express the other day when the engine left the rails, The Evening Standard reported that "The passengers contained many soldiers returning home on leave." While we have realised that there might be a danger of some of our heroes being ​killed by kindness, this news frankly shocks us, and we are sorry that it should have been passed by the Censor.
Mr. Rudyard Kipling entered his fiftieth year last week. He did it quietly, without an ode from the Poet Laureate.
The Vorwärls reports that there is a shortage of braces among the German soldiers at the Front. Ostend, evidently, is not "so bracing" after all.
The Sultan of Turkey has issued a rescript announcing that the Sultan of Egypt will be tried by a court-martial of the 4th Army Corps, which is now operating against Egypt. They were wrong who alleged that the Turks are wanting in humour.
The French Government has prohibited the exportation of butter. Curiously enough the day after the prohibition our provision merchant informed us that he was quite unable to supply us with our "real Devonshire butter" as usual.
The latest recruiting poster at Hastings runs:—
   "FALL IN! SOUTHDOWNS."
But this does not necessarily mean cheaper mutton.
"Reuter's New York correspondent wires that Mr. Eugene Zimmerman, whose death was announced the other day, was the railway magnate, and not the noted caricaturist popularly known as 'Zim'." This news, when conveyed to the latter, was very well received.
   "NEW YEAR'S HONOURS.
   P.C. FOR LABOUR LEADER."
At first we hoped that the police had come for Keir Hardie.