# Memoirs of the Twentieth Century/London, Chelsea, April 5, 1998

My LORD,
London, Chelsea, April. 5. 1998.
NOtwithstanding the pleasure I have ever had in your Excellency's correspondence, I am in pain to begin it to ​day, with acknowledging, that tho' I have been honour'd with three of yours of Nov. 29th, Jan. 17th, and March the 8th, from Mosco; I have never yet been able to make my acknowledgments for them, except by a very short answer to the two first, which deserv'd a very different return. But the truth is, I have ever liv'd on such good terms, and with so entire an intimacy with your Excellency, that I am in less pain how to excuse my self to one, who hath ever lov'd even my faults; and will therefore the easier pardon any involuntary omissions of the respect which I owe you. I can the easier hope, to find your Excellency favourable in your construction of my long silence, when I tell you, I have had more perplexing and uneasy affairs on my hands of late, than I ever remember since I knew this Court.
As they are at last pretty well over, I hope I shall be able to prove a better correspondent now to your Excellency than I have been; by being for some time more than ordinarily engag'd, in endeavouring to be as faithful a servant to my royal master, as my infirmities and labours increasing together, would allow me. Besides, ​not to accuse my self too far, I must plead in my defence, that I have ever had my share in the trouble of most of Mr. Secretary's dispatches to Mosco; so that my offences are only personal trangressions against your Excellency's goodness, and which is a great matter for a minister to have to say, I have at least no national guilt to answer for.
That I may atone for the faults I confess so sincerely, I must begin with my best thanks for your account of the state of our affairs at your Court; and as and as you have put our trade there on an excellent footing, I doubt not but our merchants will find their interest in it, as we may see already they do, by their having sent double the number of ships, on the account of the increase of that branch of our commerce, than they formerly us'd to do.
As his Majesty resolves to keep up the best correspondence possible with the Czar, and to have a Resident at least, if not an Ambassador, perpetually with him, to preserve a constant mutual intercourse of good offices between the two Crowns, and favour our traders thither all we can; so I believe nothing but your being wearied ​of that employment, will incline him to recall your Excellency. I believ'd indeed by your long continuance in that Court as an Ambassador, you were almost chang'd into a perfect Russian; but I never expected to see your Excellency turn'd a downright Laplander, as one must almost suppose you, by the relation you give of one of the most incredible things, that ever this or any age before it, heard of.
For my part, I shall never dispute against absolute fact, and a fact your Excellency declares your self an eye-witness of; but I can assure you, his Majesty has not so strong a faith; and is of opinion, you have either a mind to laugh at us, or to make us laugh at you and your Sun-shine. I therefore beg in your next, you may inform us if you have heard or seen any thing more, of the handy-work of these Sun-drummers; tho' after all, they are only qualify'd to serve us poor people of the northern Regions, and can be of no sort of service to those who are burn'd up in the South; and whose prayers, like the old Jews, are all for rains and dews, and rivers and springs.
Your full and particular account of the intrigues of the Jesuits, in relation to the ​Greek Church, and bringing it and Russia under the papal yoke, had the honour of his Majesty's notice and approbation; but (as the King observ'd in reading it) the Jesuits have been humble enough, to copy after some part of those excellent plans, which his Majesty and his royal Ancestors, put in execution long since here, to the infinite service of the British Churches.
For so long ago as the beginning of the last century, Frederick III. establish'd præmiums in our principal colleges, for those who gave the best proof of their scholarship; not to mention the royal college founded by him, and so nobly enlarg'd by new endowments by his successors, and particularly his present Majesty. Nay, the Jesuits have only imitated the zeal, of one of our best Princes in the same century, who at once raised 400 poor livings to 50 l. a year, by recommending their deplorable circumstances, to the care of the legislature; and we all know with how much nobler a munificence, our royal master has very lately taken care, of a provision for all the rest of his poor and distressed Clergy. But whencesoever they have borrowed their regulations, I am persuaded ​of what your Excellency maintains, that the Russian Church must in a very little time, become a province of the Roman See, and embrace all her errors, superstitions, and idolatry, as the essential truths of Christianity.
But I shall not touch on this subject, which lies ever uppermost in my thoughts, and haunts my dreams, lest I expatiate too far upon it; and therefore shall only add my sincere prayers, (and by God's blessing best endeavours) that this over-whelming deluge that thus saps and privately undermines, or violently in a torrent breaks thro' all the mounds and banks, that human industry and wisdom would oppose to it, may not, when it swallows up and covers the rest of the Earth, rush over and subvert the sacred fences, of the Protestant church and religion in the world.
Your relation of the extraordinary improvements they have made in the practice of Physick, was extremely welcome to me; but, to say truth, many particulars in it are criticis'd by our most celebrated practitioners here, as less proper and useful than your Excellency seems to think them; but as you are no physician, and only re​port such facts as you have been inform'd of, you are no way accountable, for any mistakes they may be liable to.
For this reason, I shall not send you any of their objections, which seem besides of less importance, than to deserve your notice; and shall rather chuse to return all the miracles of your Jesuits, (in physick among the Russians) with one that in my opinion exceeds them all, which Great-Britain has alone found out the secret of. Your doctors therefore must triumph no longer, that they cure the Gout, and dissolve the Stone, that they subdue Fevers, and restore and heal Consumptions as easily as we cure Agues, or that they have secret specificks for the Jaundice, Small-pox, Dropsies and Pleurisies; for we have a skill in physick superior to all their performances, in a distemper hitherto judg'd incurable by all. A distemper every one is as certain to labour under as the Small-pox, and yet subject to have several times in his life; a distemper (which can be said of no other) that generally does most harm to the noblest and worthiest spirits in the world; nay, a distemper which I have been told you have had some terrible fits of, ​can your Excellency yet guess at it, my Lord, it is that fatal and desperate malady, violent Love!
I should not offer to mention this to you, if I was not as certain of the truth of it, as that I am now in my chamber writing to you; for I have actually known two of my intimate acquaintance, my Lord L—— and Sir Thomas D—— who were dangerously seiz'd with it, cur'd within these six weeks, and they are now perfectly well, as they have assur'd me with their own mouths. Nay, my Lady B—y W— my wife's relation, who, after a long courtship (which was basely broke off) had engag'd her affections to my Lord P— and was so irrecoverably gone in it, that she could neither eat or drink, or sleep, or even speak, but with him, and his conduct in her thoughts, was also in a little time so perfectly recover'd, that she made a visit to his Lady, without the least palpitation of heart; and is so indifferent to him, that she can even praise him. She is no longer splenatick or melancholy, but receives and returns the visits of her friends, goes to all publick places with the greatest gaiety and pleasure imaginable; and is so good ​humour'd, that she has not turn'd off a servant these two months. Your Excellency sees I do not write these facts, from the general report that prevails here with every body, but as cases within my own knowledge and observation; so that you may depend on it, this art is arriv'd here to its utmost perfection, and that the cure of this terrible disorder is now become more infallible, than that of the Ague by the Jesuits Bark.
Doctor Howard is the person to whom the world is indebted for this admirable secret; and tho' by his Majesty's commands, he has entrusted the methods of cure, for fear of death, to three of the King's Physicians; yet they are sworn not to discover or make use of it, till he is safe in his grave. I cannot therefore pretend to give your Excellency the real secret of this prodigious art; but I shall tell you the method of his prescriptions, as far as some of his own patients have related it to me; by which it is plain, he treats it in the general, as they do several other chronical distempers, having ever an exact regard at the same time, to the particular constitution of the disorder'd person.
​The first thing the Doctor prescribes to them, is, the taking a little Pill thrice every day for three days, with a small paper of powders, which taste and smell like powder of Crabs-eyes; both which 'tis conceiv'd sweeten the blood, correct the acrimony of the humours, and chear and recreate the spirits extremely. After these three days, they bleed and blister them severely for about a week, as the case and the patient's constitution allows them; this done, they take the pills and powders again for two days, then they give them violent purgatives to 8 or 9 stools a-day for a week or longer, as the case is, with strong sudorificks to carry off redundant humours; all which is accompanied with drinking a kind of ptisan, and keeping to as low and emaciating a diet as the patients can allow, for at least ten days or longer, if they can bear it easily. This method (the chief secret of which, they say, lies in the pills and ptisan) constantly eradicates the disorder, in the most inflammable constitutions in a month's time; and in some much less will do, and especially where they are not naturally, of a very rank or robust constitution.
​I have already hinted, that the chief secret is conceal'd in the pills and ptisan, which alter the state of the blood and humours, and fortify the heart; while the regular evacuations calm the hurry of the spirits, cool the body, and discharge from it all the vicious morbifick particles separated from the habit, till at last that inflammable disposition is entirely remov'd, which is the great source of these kinds of disorders. It is certain, that ever since this method has been follow'd by Dr. Howard, the violent effects of this passion or possession, I know not which to term it, have never disturb'd the world as they used to do. For now whenever people find their passion is unsuccessful and desperate, withot hanging or drowning, shooting or poisoning, which was the usual method, they calmly send for Dr. Howard, who immediately puts them into the Love-course, as they call it, and so they get rid of it at once, and then very quietly go about their affairs; and as soon as they have recover'd the cure, (which, as in most other cases, generally takes up as much time as the distemper) they chuse a more proper, or at least a less cruel person for their adorations. It is universally agreed, ​that the sincere and tender hearts of the poor Ladies, are cur'd with much more difficulty than the Men; and some of them, as my Lady R—— particularly, died, after she had been given given over for incurable; but this does not happen one time in a thousand.
This I take to be one of the happiest discoveries of this age; for tho' Morison, in his Itinerary, assures us, that in his time the baths of Baden, were made use of with great success for the cure of this terrible distemper, hopeless love; yet I think he evidently took up that story on very insufficient grounds. For not to urge that if this were true, they would have been the most famous baths, and the most resorted to by all people and nations in the whole world, (which is false in fact); he overthrows his own assertion, by maintaining, a few lines after, they were of great service to women that were barren. Now without appealing to the experience of our Ladies and Gentlemen, who know very well on what account they frequent our Baths and Spaws; I leave it to common sense to judge, how it is possible these waters of Baden, could produce two such contrary effects, as curing Love and removing ​Barrenness; and consequently, I think, we may allow Dr. Howard's prescriptions, to be a blessing to his fellow-creatures peculiar to this age, and utterly unknown to our ancestors.
I shall not trouble your Excellency, with many consequences with which this affair is, and will be accompanied in the world, but shall pass on to something more important; and that is, to return you my sincere thanks, for your noble present of the Czar's travels in sculpture, which have oblig'd me infinitely. However, as I think them too noble a present, for the library of a private subject, you will allow me, after professing my self deeply indebted to your generosity, to give them, in your name, to his Majesty, who is you know extremely fond of such curiosities.
As to the proposal you make, of the King's offering his mediation between the Czar and the King of Sweden, who are both making such preparations for war, I must acquaint your Excellency, that upon some private hints from the Swedish Ambassador here, his Majesty order'd me to feel the pulse of the Czar's Envoy at this Court; but he declar'd frankly, his master could ​never think of a peace, or the least step towards it, while his enemies kept any part of Livonia in their possession. Thus this affair is desperate, unless the bravery of the Swedes this next campaign, (as I heartily wish) may reduce them to speak in a lower stile. I am very sorry I had not notice early enough, of the departure of the last caravan for China, because as the Chineses we formerly brought over, and who have taught our people here to be as good potters, and to make as fine vessels as any in China, are growing old and crazy; and as we would be the better, to have some more skilful hands from thence, I must beg your care to have twenty or thirty, of the best that can be hir'd at any expence, sent to us by the return of the first caravan. Our chief want is painters and bakers, tho' the truth is, we are already such masters in this art, that we export vast quantities of our manufacture for real China; and it is, in my opinion, only to be distinguish'd from it, by its being differently, and perhaps I might say, better painted.
I am now to acquaint your Excellency, that his Majesty has made a new regulation, as to that noble foundation of the three ​Secretaries of the Embassy, which G. III. appointed to accompany all his Ambassadors at his own expence, (of 200 l. per Ann. each) in order to breed them up to a perfect knowledge in state-affairs, as you well know. The King is pleas'd to signify to all his foreign ministers, that he has resolv'd to add one to their number, and will allow no person to receive the salary of Secretary, who has not spent four years at one of the universities, and will not oblige himself to spend six years, at each Court the Embassy is sent to, and to write in his turn all dispatches sent the Crown, and take the oath of secresy and fidelity usual in such cases.
Mr. Secretary writes this post, to have all these articles strictly observ'd and comply'd with, and an exact account transmitted to the Secretary, of those Gentlemen that are now with our Envoys, that any who do not come within these regulations, may be dismiss'd, and new ones nominated by his Majesty in their places; in all which I doubt not, Mr. Secretary will find an exact compliance on your part.
​It is certain these are very useful improvements of that noble scheme; and as our Embassies have by these means, prov'd excellent nurseries to us for able Statesmen, and prevented our being the dupes and bubbles of other Nations, in matters of negotiation and treaty, as we too often were in the days of our ancestors; his Majesty and his Ministers abroad, cannot be too exact, in seeing his orders duly executed. There is also a particular article added to these instructions, which is, that if any one of the Secretaries of the Embassy, be ever known to be guilty of any indecency in his manners, or offends against sobriety, modesty, truth or honour in his conduct; he is immediately to be confin'd and displac'd, till his Majesty's further pleasure be known.
It is said, the famous Duke of Cumberland, so celebrated in our histories, who was son, or grandson, I forget whether, to that excellent Prince George the II$^d$, was the first inventor of this project, which has almost been as serviceable to our Country as ever his sword or counsels prov'd; and I am persuaded few of his many great actions, endear'd him more to his countrymen than this, tho' it was not actually put in execu​cution, till George the Third's halcyon days.
As Mr. Secretary gave you a full account, of the dissolution of the last Parliament and the calling of this, I must now acquaint you, that they met last week, and are fallen to the dispatch of all matters recommended to them, with great diligence and application. As this was the first time of their fitting in their noble new Parliament-house in Hide-Park, I went with his Majesty there to see them; and indeed I think I have not beheld a nobler sight, than that beautiful room which has been built for their sitting in, and the august crowd of Lords and Commons, that met his Majesty in the house of Lords, which is no ways inferior to the other, except in size.
As the Peers were all in their robes, and the Commons in their Venetian Senators habits, you may imagine how glorious an assembly this was, with one of the greatest Princes at present in the Christian world, or which is more, of the royal Line of Hanover, speaking to them from the Throne, with all the spirit and elegance of Cæsar to his Senate, without his ambition and tyranny. For my part it mov'd me so strongly, ​that I was as little able to hide my tears then, as to conceal the pleasure it gave me, from your Excellency now; and tho' I have seen the States of Hungary, the Parliament of Paris, the Diet of Ratisbon, and the Senate of Venice, they look'd in my thoughts like boys in a school or a college, to them. The Venetian habit, which Frederick the II$^d$ introduced, gives a vast air of solemnity and gravity to the Commons; and certainly how venerable a figure soever the Parliaments of our ancestors make in our imaginations now, they must have made a very absurd appearance to the eye, that survey'd them in so many party-colour'd habits, white, black, red, blue, grey, and with as many other variable dies as the rainbow, as 'tis plain from history they used to wear in their debates. Some have imagined, they used this method to distinguish their particular divisions, parties, and leaders by, like the factions of the Prasini and Veneti of old among the Romans; and there are some passages in our ancient English Poets and Historians, and particularly one in Pope that looks a little this way; but yet it is certain there is nothing of truth in this conjecture; and that the different colours in their cloaths, proceed​ed merely from the humour and caprice of every member. And tho' some late authors maintain, that 'tis ridiculous to suppose an assembly, that so often determined the fate of Empires and Nations, would meet together in such an odd variety of different coloured suits, (like a regiment of Train'd-Bands, that were not able to cloath themselves one way) unless there were some politick view and meaning in it; or, at least, that they designed to distinguish their several religions by their colours; yet I can produce very clear proofs that all this is entirely mistake and fancy, and that what I have asserted, is the real truth of the matter.
I am sorry that they have abrogated the good antient custom of printing their votes, and that they now keep their debates and resolutions, so private and secret as they do, or else I should have had the pleasure of sending them all to your Lordship. However, I shall tell you one remarkable part of their proceedings, and that is, their voting that no person shall sit in that house that is not past 25, nor against whose conduct any thing criminal, dishonest, or immoral, can be evidently proved before the Secret Committee, which is always appointed to examine into petiti​ons of this nature. At the same time to prevent the attacks of private malice, whoever petitions against a member on this account, is oblig'd to give security to prove his allegations, or be imprison'd for five years, as an infamous and scandalous informer. If two-thirds of the Committee vote the allegations duly proved, the member has his choice of having his case heard before the whole house; or, if he declines that, of withdrawing privately, and upon his non-attendance, his seat is declared vacated, and a writ is issued for electing a new member. Nay, they have bolted the doors of that house, against all who are engaged in many law-suits, or either distrest in their affairs, or involv'd in debt, or that have not been seven years possess'd of the estate that qualifies them to be elected, if the said estate be purchass'd by such members, and not descended to them. The reasons on which these important votes are grounded, are almost self-evident; and they have further added to them, that none shall be capable of sitting in that house, who is not at least two months of the year, resident in the Borough or Country that he represents; and who receives any pay or salary, of any kind or nature soever from the Crown; ​both which are most useful and admirable resolutions concerning the elected; and indeed those concerning the members attendance in the house, on the great trust reposed in them by their country, are fully as important. These votes are, that any one absent one half of a sessions, without proof by affidavit of a proper cause approv'd by the house, vacates his seat; and every member who on the Speaker's circular letter, giving warning of an approaching weighty debate, presumes to absent himself without sufficient cause, shall be reprimanded on his knees by the Speaker. Nay, they have voted that any one who, during such debates, shall leave the house, or that shall presume to vote without hearing them, shall, at the bar, demand pardon of the house for the same.
To enforce these yet farther, they have resolv'd that the house shall be called over every Tuesday and Friday; and all that are absent twenty days in the session without leave, or sufficient cause shewn, and above all, when important matters are debated, shall be severely censur'd by the House for the first and second fault, and on a third commission of it, expelled. It is believ'd they will soon ​order heads of a bill to be brought in, to make all those votes and resolutions pass into a law; and indeed it seems of great consequence that they should.
I must confess, as a publick minister, I am less fond of such severe regulations, for tho' the loyalty and tranquillity of these times, make them less to be feared at present, yet such divisions and discontents may arise hereafter, as may make them less favourable, not to say pernicious to the interest of the Crown. But when I consider, as a friend to my country, of what infinite service they would be to the banishing corruption, and mean-interested servile hirelings from that house, that should be sacred to truth, honour, loyalty, and the love, the eternal love of our country, I cannot but incline to them.
I have a thousand times weigh'd the chief arguments, for and against this important point in my own mind, and I must own I have ever found the certain advantages, so much transcend the possible inconveniences, that the ballance has still turn'd in favour of such regulations. Indeed our House of Commons thus modell'd, would prove such a bulwark against rapacious or designing mi​nisters, as well as against Princes of too enterprizing or ambitious spirits in future ages, and wou'd be such a security, to preserve the rights and prerogative of the Crown, and the privileges and liberty of the People, in the same equal channels in which they now run, pure and unmix'd; that I am persuaded his Majesty could not consult the happiness of, his successors or people more, than by turning these votes into a law. As the King seems to think in this way, possibly this may be done; and if not in this parliament, at least in this reign.
Your Excellency will be surpriz'd, after professing that these are my sentiments, when I tell you, that there is a numerous faction, started up already in this very parliament, to oppose all the measures I am taking for the publick good, and misrepresent the whole of my past administration. To mortify me the more (if such trivial changes in the most changeable of all things, the heart of Man, could mortify me) I find the faction is supported underhand by Sir J—— C—— and Mr. L. two persons that I little expected, and much less deserv'd such ungrateful returns from, after all I have done for them. In the mean time, as they keep behind the curtain, Mr. M—— is the person who leads the ​faction; and indeed his great abilities entitle him to it, for as your Excellency well knows, 'tis with Men as with Deer, the best headed leads the herd. Yet this this very Man have I favoured enough, to have tied him to my interest for ever; nor do I know any cause for his forsaking me, but that I have oblig'd him beyond a possibility of return; and when that is the case, Tacitus will tell us the natural consequence. The great outcry is rais'd about the publick accounts, and I know not what millions that are clandestinely sunk and evaporated into air; as I doubt not I shall see all these clamours do, when I can properly clear myself, by laying my accounts before the house. Sir R——d B—— is as loud as any, and rails with his usual blundering eloquence, but he has not talents even to serve a good cause; and tho' his abusive tongue can bruise like a cudgel, it wants edge to wound his enemy; or, as Du Hailan the French Historian said, he can blacken like an old cold cinder, but cannot burn.
In a few weeks, I shall see how far this blind and groundless malice will lead them, and shall give your Excellency an account ​of what these worthy intrigues produce. In the mean time, let me speak it without arrogance, I am secure, and almost careless of what may happen; for, believe me, my Lord, I am more willing to return to Fortune the trifles she has lent me, and resign the mighty envied posts which they pursue me for, (if my royal Master would approve of it) than ever I was to receive them. It is long since I have learn'd in this school of the world, where so few are educated, without feeling severely the smarting corrections of their master's rod; that there is little to be got in it worth the pain and trouble, and above all, our virtue, which we generally pay for the knowledge and experience we lay up there. Judge therefore, if when one finds malice, and rancour, and envy, are constantly the returns which are made those who happen to succeed better in it; if one can avoid being weary and sick, of the silly pursuits we are so eagerly engag'd in there, and fond of retiring from its noise and hurry. This is not the language of the Courtier, but of the Man and the Friend, whom your Excellency has known a little too long to mistrust his professions, or imagine he can dote at this time of life on the silly fopperies of place, ​preferment and power, which in the vigour and sun-shine of his days, he never put in balance with peace and retirement, with innocence and honour.
But I begin to grow grave, and therefore it is time I should take my leave of your Excellency, to whom I wish all the happiness, prosperity, and favour this world can give you. I wish them not to you as real solid blessings, but as pleasing imaginary satisfactions, and the best kind of appearances of happiness here, to blunt the edge of so many real evils as we continually labour under. Above all, I wish them to you because they now and then afford us, the substantial delight of doing good to others, of relieving wanting merit, pulling down the oppressor, stripping the prosperous villain of his spoils, drying up the tears, and defending the cause of innocence in misery.
May I live (for the few years I can yet live) to see this the chief employment and business of your life in this world; and may not the errors and sins of mine, prevent my seeing you crown'd with the glory of it in another. I am, my Lord,
Your Excellency's, &c.
N——m.
* ↑ P. 26.
* ↑ Pro gratiâ odium redditur.