# The Way of a Virgin/The Husband as Doctor

THE HUSBAND AS DOCTOR.
Of a young squire of Champagne who, when he married, had never mounted a Christian creature—much to his wife's regret. And of the method her mother found to instruct him, and how the said squire suddenly wept at a great feast that was made shortly after he had learned how to perform the carnal act—as you will hear more plainly hereafter.
'TIS well known that in the province of Champagne one is sure to encounter heavy and dull-witted persons—which hath seemed strange to many, seeing that the district is so near to the country of Mischief. Many stories could be told of the stupidity of the Champenois, but this present will suffice.
There dwelt in this province a young man, an orphan, who at the death of his father and mother had become rich and powerful. He was stupid, ignorant, and disagreeable, but hard-working, and knew well how to take care of himself and his ​affairs, and for this reason many persons—even people of condition—were willing to give him their daughter in marriage.
One of these damsels, above all others, pleased the friends and relations of our Champenois because of her beauty, goodness, riches and so forth. They told him 'twas time he married.
"Thou art now three-and-twenty years of age," said they, "and there could not be a better time. And thou wilt listen to us, we have sought out for thee a fair good damsel who seemeth to us well fitted to thee. It is such an one thou knowest her full well." And they told him her name.
The young man, who cared little whether he was married or not, so as he did not lose money by it, answered that he would do whatsoe'er they wished.
"Since ye think 'twill be to my advantage," said he, "mana'ge the business to the best of your ability, for I would follow your advice and instructions."
"Thou sayest well," said these good folk. "We will look and consider as carefully as though the matter concerned us or one of our children."
To cut matters short, a litile while afterwards our Champenois was married; but on the first night, when he was sleeping with his wife, he, never having mounted on any Christian beast, soon turned his back to her, and a few poor kisses was aught she had of him, but naught on her back. At which one may guess his wife was not well pleased, albeit she concealed her discontent.
This unsatisfactory state of affairs endured some ten days, and would have endured yet longer had not the girl's mother put a stop to it.
​It should be known that the young man was unversed in the mysteries of wedlock, for during the lifetime of his parents a tight rein had been kept upon him, and, above all things, he had been forbidden to play at the beast with two backs, lest he should take too much delight therein, and waste all his patrimony. Which was prudent on the part of his parents, for he was not a young man likely to be loved for his appearance.
And since he would do naught to anger his father and mother, and was not, moreover, of an amorous disposition, he had ever preserved his chastity, albeit his wife had deprived him of it right gladly had she known but how.
On a certain day the mother of the bride came to her daughter, and questioned her as to her husband's state and condition and the countless other questions the bride replied that her husband was a good man, and that she did not doubt but that she would be happy with him.
Which answer made the old woman joyous, but, since she knew by her own experience that there are more things in wedlock than eating and drinking, she said to her daughter:
"Come hither, and tell me, on thy word of honour, how he doth acquit himself at night?"
When the girl heard this question she was so vexed and shamed that she might not answer, and her eyes were filled with tears. But her mother, understanding what meant these tears, said:
​"Weep not, my child. Speak me boldly. I am thy mother, and it behoveth thee to conceal naught from me. Hath he done naught to thee as yet?"
The poor girl, having partly recovered, and being re-assured by her mother's words, ceased her tears, but could not yet make reply. Whereupon her mother asked again:
"Speak me boldly and put aside thy grief. Hath he done naught to thee yet?"
In a low voice, mingled with tears, the girl replied:
"On my word, mother, he hath never touched me yet, but, save for that, there is no man more kind or affectionate."
"Tell me," quoth the mother, "knowest thou if he be properly furnished with all his members? Speak boldly if thou dost know."
"By St. John! He is sound in that respect," replied the bride. "I have often, by chance, felt his luggage as I turned to and fro on our bed when I could not sleep."
" 'Tis enough," said the mother. "Leave the rest to me. This is what thou must do. In the morning thou must feign illness—e'en as though thy soul were about to depart thy body. Thy husband will, I expect full well, seek me out and bid me come to thee, and I will play my part so that thy business will soon be settled, for I shall carry thy water to a certain doctor, who will give such counsel as I order."
​All was accomplished as arranged, for on the morrow, as soon as it was dawn, the girl, who was sleeping with her husband, fell to complaining and feigning sickness as though a strong fever racked her body.
Her foolish husband was much vexed and astonished, and knew not what to say or do. He sent forthwith for his mother-in-law, who was not long in coming. As soon as he saw her he said:
"Alas! mother! thy daughter is dying!"
"My daughter?" quoth she. "What doth she want?" And while she spoke, she walked to the patient's chamber.
As soon as the mother perceived her daughter, she inquired of her as to her trouble, and the girl, being well instructed in what she must do, answered not at first, but, after a while, said:
"Mother, I am dying."
"Please God, thou shalt not die! Take courage! But how cometh it that thou art fallen ill so suddenly?"
"I know not! I know not!" answered the girl. "Thou dost madden me by these questions."
The mother took the daughter's hand, and felt her pulse, her body and her head; then she said to her son-in-law:
"In sooth, she is sorely ill. She is on fire. We must find some remedy. Has aught of her water?"
"That which she made last night is there," said one of the attendants.
"Give it me," said the mother.
She took the urine, and put it in a proper vessel, and told her son-in-law that she would show it to a physician, that he might know what he might do to her daughter to cure her.
​"For God's sake! spare naught! she said. "I have still some money, but I love my daughter better than money."
"Spare!" said he. "If money can help, I will not fail her."
"When thou goest, and while she is resting," said the mother, "I will go home; but I will return as I am needed."
Now it should be known that the old woman on the previous day, when she quitted her daughter, had instructed the physician, who was well aware of what he must say. So the young man carried his wife's water to the physician, and, having saluted him, related how sick and suffering was his wife.
"And I have brought some of her water that thou mayest judge how sick she is, and the more easily cure her," said the young man.
The physician took the vessel of urine, and; turning it about and examining it, said:
"Thy wife is sore afflicted with illness and in peril of death unless succour be forthcoming. Her water showeth it."
"Ah! master, for the love of God, tell me what to do, and I will pay thee well canst thou restore her to health and prevent her from dying!"
"She need not die an thou obeyest my commands," quoth the physician. "But if thou dost not make haste, all the money in the world will not save her from death."
"Tell me, for God's sake, what to do," said the other, "and I will do it."
​"She must have connection with a man or she will die," answered the physician.
"Connection with a man?" said the other. "What is that?"
"It meaneth," continued the doctor, "that thou must mount on top of her, and speedly ram her three or four times, or more if thou canst; otherwise, the great heat which doth consume and kill her, will not be extinguished."
"That will be good for her?"
"She is a dead woman," answered the physician, "an thou do it not and do it quickly."
"By St. John!" said the other, "I will try what I can do."
With that he went home and found his wife, who was groaning and lamenting loudly.
"How art thou, beloved?" asked he.
"I die, beloved," answered she.
"Please God, thou shalt not die," said he. "I have conversed with the physician, who hath told me what medicine will cure thee."
And, as he spoke, he fell to undressing, and lay down beside his wife, and began to execute in clumsy fashion the orders he had received from the physician.
"What dost thou? asked his wife. "Wouldst kill me?"
"Nay, I am about to cure thee," said he. "The physician hath assured me."
And Nature instructing and the patient assisting, he performed upon her twice or thrice. When resting from his labours, much astonished at what had befallen, he asked his wife how she was.
"I am a little better than I was hitherto," she replied.
​"God be praised," quoth he. "I hope thou wilt get well and that the physician hath spoken truly."
And with that he fell to again.
To cut matters short, he performed so well that his wife was cured in a few days, whereat he was very joyful, as was the mother when she knew of it.
Ever afterwards our Champenois became a better fellow than heretofore, and his wife being now restored to health, he one day invited all his friends and relatives to dine with him, and also the father and mother of his wife, and he served good cheer after his own fashion. They drank to him, and he drank to them, and he was right good company.
But hear what befell him. In the midst of the feast he fell to weeping, which much astonished all his friends who were at table with him; and they demanded what was the matter, but he could not answer for weeping scalding tears. At length he spake, saying:
"I have good cause to weep."
"By my oath thou hast not!" replied his mother-in-law. "What aileth thee? Thou art rich and powerful and well-housed, and hast good friends, nor must thou forget thy fair and good wife, whom God brought back to health when she was on the verge of the grave. In thinking thou shouldst be light-hearted and joyous."
"Alas!" said he. "Woe is me! My father and mother, who both loved me, and who amassed and bequeathed me so much wealth, are dead, and by my fault, for they died of a fever, and had I well touzled them both when they were ill, as I did ​my wife, they would still be on their feet."
There was none at table who, on hearing this, would not fain have laughed; nevertheless, all restrained themselves as best they might. The tables were removed and each went his way, and the young man continued to live with his wife, and, in order that she might remain in good health, he failed not to tail her pretty often.
* ↑ Les Cent Nouvelles Nouvelles: Translated for the first time into English by Robert B. Douglas (One Hundred Merrie and Delightsome Stories), Paris: Charles Carrington. Also French Text, Paris: Garnier Frères, n.d.
* ↑ Probably Picardy or Lorraine.—Note by R. B. Douglas.
* ↑ Faire la bête a deux dos. A recognised slang term for the venereal act, used by Rabelais and Shakespeare. C.f. Farmer: Slang and itas Analogues (op. cit. supra), and Landes: Glossaire erotique de la langue française: Brussels, 1861.
* ↑ Denree d'aventure. A recognised erotic term for the male genital parts. C.f. Farmer and Landes (op. cit. supra). Denree, properly, means a "commodity," which is not far removed from the English slang term "concern." (Farmer.)
* ↑ The text here is somewhat obscure. Mr. Douglas translates "No need to go so fast."
* ↑ Touzle or Tousle, in its original sense, meant "to rumple"—"to pull or mess about." but came in time to signify, in erotic slang, the act of "mastering a woman by romping." (Vide Farmer: Slang and Analogues.) It belongs to that class of word connoting the sexual act which may be described as energetic, as implying a sense of lively action and movement. Farmer, under his key-word Ride, gives a number of similar terms among them: to belly-bump; to bounce; to cuddle; to ferret; to frisk; to fumble; to hug; to hustle; to jiggle; to jumble; to muddle; to niggle; to plough; to rummage; to shake; and to tumble. Touzle is Fieldings term for the veneral act.