# Diogenes of London (collection)/The Maze

pp. 30–41.

### THE MAZE

WE waited till she had passed between the narrow walls of the maze, and then turned to each other.
'We will start on fair terms,' said I.
'Assuredly,' he answered gaily; 'but I am damnably lame of one foot. Well, if it may not be thus'—and he tapped his sword with an irritating smile of bravado—'any way will serve.'
'You pay a poor compliment to her decision,' I replied with a sneer. 'You may resolve yourself that she has already made her choice.'
'So I understand,' said he with a grin.
'Your leg'—said I: 'she has the eyes of a hawk.'
'And your wits'—said he: 'she has fathomed them at the outset.'
'If you would be insolent, sir——' I cried.
'Gad!' he interrupted me, 'you've a pretty temper, and a most uncommon desire of her. 'Tis true, I've an elegant passion myself; but faith, would you spit yourself in your folly?' and he half-drew his weapon from the scabbard.
'This quarrel will keep,' I replied angrily, 'unless you would reduce me to your own halting gait ere we set forth.'
' ’Sdeath,'' said he, purpling, 'you London popinjay, I'll have you to know, my visitation is for my own jests only.'
'I think,' said I coolly, 'that this were better at the back-end of our adventure. Let us patch a bargain, my fire-eater.'
'It is well said,' he answered quickly: 'on the sign we start——'
'And separate,' said I.
'Faith, if you take one road, I'll another; and that's flat. I've no fancy for your company.'
'Excellent!' I replied; 'and he that shall arrive first at the central arbour——'
'Shall ravish a kiss of her, by my body,' quoth he.
'And,' I added, 'be taken for her lover.'
A voice broke softly on our talk, and wheeling we saw a kerchief tossing in the air.
'That is our signal,' said I.
But he was already gone, and in a twinkling I was after him. I caught him at the first turning in the maze, whence two tracks started abruptly in opposite directions. Without a pause he whisked into the left. 'Her skirts,' thought I, 'flashed round this corner as she went,' and chuckling made off by the right. The privet hedges rose high, so that he disappeared from my view immediately; but, keeping the central ash in my eye, I ran on. The maze twisted marvellously, ran in astounding little circuits, and dodged hither and thither in an utterly preposterous fashion. I had no judgment by which to go, save my own vague discretion; and though at first I took my resolutions on the run, and with the easy confidence of novelty, soon—finding myself no nearer to the arbour, but somewhat hot and breathless with my speed—I began to choose more leisurely, and with an air of observation. Where each way branched I paused and meditated; reckoned up the chances; cast a few calculations in my mind; and drew what inference seemed likeliest. In the distance I could hear my rival tramping along, but it was not until I had been some ten minutes at my task that he came into my neighbourhood. He was separated from me by several fences, but, to my chagrin, was upon the inner side and evidently nearer to our common goal. I had regained some breath, and, happening at the moment upon what struck me as an admirable clew, I was spurred, at once by his seeming good fortune and my new hopes, into a quicker pace. Presently, rounding an arm of the hedge, I plumped into a stranger whose presence in the place I had not looked for. He was an old man, with large infantine eyes and a beard of venerable white, and he was ambling along with a paltry, nervous gait, resembling that of a perturbed child. So much embarrassed was I at the delay of this accident that I had forgot my manners, and with an expression of impatience was making off, when he clutched me by the coat.
'I pray you,' said he in a piping voice, 'I pray you, kindly direct me to the issues of this lamentable prison.'
'At your age,' said I, 'you should know better than to be at this ridiculous game;' and, thrusting him aside, I pushed on at a hot speed.
But I had no better luck from my latest inspiration, and was becoming annoyed by the persistent rebuffs of fortune. Indeed, I seemed ever to be choosing the particular path which ended in a great blank wall of privet; and the greater part of my time was expended in withdrawing from the absurd predicaments I had created for myself. Of my rival I had now no news, but was assured that his incompetence was equal to mine by the mere fact of his silence; for though I had no doubts that he would be swearing loudly enough were he within hearing, it was as certain that he would inform me of his success by some braggart noise, did he penetrate into the interior before me. While losing heart after this fashion, it was my luck to fall across the belated ancient once more. He was biting his finger-nails reflectively, and wore a very distressful appearance. On hearing my approach he whipped round and brightened visibly.
'Sir,' said he, with a manner of pleading diffidence that sat ill on his years, 'I perceive you to be well acquainted with this delightful puzzle. In my young days I had the same knowledge and took the same delight. But I have grown staider and (God help me!) somewhat stiff of joint. My wit misguides me; and having the misfortune to have wandered in here after a meritorious butterfly, I should be deeply honoured by your condescension in putting me upon my way to the exit.'
He spoke very formally, and with an urbanity that would have been pitiful had I been less moved by my own troubles. It was plain he was exceedingly anxious to be gone.
'Let us strike a bargain,' said I. 'You have come from within; I am from without. You shall direct me to the arbour, and I in return will send you to the gates of this infernal place,'
'With pleasure,' said he eagerly. 'If you will bear henceforth to the right you will come shortly to the centre.'
I had not the remotest desire to mislead him, but he might certainly as well pursue my random directions as his own; and I could do no less than make him some return for his information: so I answered promptly enough.
'And you,' said I, 'if you will keep to the left, will come out upon the lawn.'
I was itching to be off on the new experiment, and, ere he could thank me, was gone. I had proceeded but a little further, when by some sorry trick of Fate's I stumbled on my fellow drawn up in an opening of the privet, and looking hot and discomfited. I had no mind that he should stick at my heels; and so, lest he should observe the triumph in my eyes, I stopped, and dissembled my features into a proper grimace of despair.
'You have been no nearer than this?' I asked. He mopped himself and ejaculated an oath.
'The thing has no end, neither beginning,' he said.
'We are in the same case,' I answered; 'but,' said I cheerfully, 'we must push on, we must push on. Hope is our portion, my friend, in all desperate emprises.'
'Pish!' said he. 'I've no stomach for this eternal hedge of privet. Give me a plain field, and I see my way. These walls are fit only for your puling citizen.'
'True,' said I. 'They have an air of monotony; but one may suffer much in so amiable a cause. You withdraw, then?' I asked him.
'Faith, not I,' he returned; 'not without your company;' and eyed me obdurately. 'But,' says he, 'one way is as good as another. Right or left?' and he spun a guinea in the air.
'If you will adventure your chances upon such a hazard——' I said, and shrugged my shoulders. 'For myself, I prefer the guidance of my own shrewd wit and observation. I wish you a pleasant journey.'
I left him spinning his coins with a red and sweating brow, and made off with all speed.
In a very little I perceived I was approaching to the centre, and my heart beat high with exultation; which grew well-nigh ecstatic when I came into a circle that left me divided by but a single hedge from the arbour and my divinity. And then fell the suddenest blow to my gay expectations. For the path ran half-way round the central opening and there ended in a wall. Mortified beyond the faculty of speech, I stared at this miserable impediment to my prospects, incensed with the old dotard who had so cheated me. At this moment a voice called me softly by name, and through the interstices of the privet I could just espy the sweet face of my lady—the object of all this arduous adventure. I assumed my best grace and bowed to the privet.
'Madam,' I said, 'there is still a barrier between us. But I vow I am rewarded for this tedium of solitary wandering by the mere glimpse of your face which I catch between leaf and leaf of these bushes.'
'You are vastly complimentary,' said she, and laughed.
'My dear,' I replied, 'at least I am more privileged than my rival, who is now, one must suppose, tossing away his chances somewhere on the outskirts of this merry maze.'
'’Tis no fault of mine,' said she demurely,
'He is lame of a leg,' I rejoined.
'Oh!' said she.
It was not my desire to enlist her heart on his behalf, but only to discover to her the cruel embarrassments of our common condition. Therefore I said no more of him, but turned to myself. 'And I,' I continued, 'am out of breath and spent with much running. I have put on the speed of a racer, and have covered many leagues since we last met.'
'I am very sorry,' says she softly.
From her voice I imagined she showed some signs of relenting, and so fetched up at my subject. 'Between this walk and your own sweet person,' I said, 'are many leagues more. How many and how arduous the Devil alone knows that built this horrid circus.'
I thought she sighed.
'Thus,' said I, '’twixt you and me are many weary hours of effort, and I am in a plaguey condition of famine. Exhaustion has done its worst upon me. Dearest, I shall have no hope of reaching you.'
I could espy a flush of colour in her cheek; she sighed and plucked at the privet.
'I beseech you, therefore,' I went on, 'to reconsider your edict. I have done much, I have fared far, I have fought well. Sweetheart, there is now but one wall between us. By all the love——'
'If you desire,' she broke in suddenly, 'the secret of the maze, on my soul you shall not have it.'
She took me aback with her abrupt resolution, ensuing upon a mood of apparent tenderness. I rose to a fury.
'Then,' said I passionately, 'on my soul I will hack through this accursed privet.'
I drew my sword out of its sheath; and she, her eyes blazing with indignation, put her face to the crevices and fixed me with an imperious look.
'Shame on you! ' she said. 'You would win by fraud and force what you cannot by an industrious intelligence. Be patient ere you be bold.'
What I should have answered I know not; at the moment I was like to have disdained her rebuke, and set upon the hedge. But just then I heard a piping voice, and the troubled face of the old dotard peeped through the chinks at me from beside her.
'In God's name,' I cried, 'how got you there?'
'’Twas your direction,' he mumbled reproachfully. 'By keeping to my left I am come back at your instance to a place from which I had already thanked God for deliverance. Sir, you have not played me fair,'
'Well,' said I, grinning, 'and you have tricked me also, you misguiding prophet!'
The situation tickled me even through my anger. I put up my sword and laughed.
'Farewell,' I said, 'old totterer! Gad, I envy you your place and proximity.'
With that I turned and fled, for I had now the key of the riddle in my hands. To retrace my steps to the spot on which I had encountered the old man, and thence to follow my own casual directions, was now my clear course, and one that promised an immediate reward. It was with a light heart I pursued my way, reverting upon my old tracks. But, alas! it was to little purpose. The place had vanished, and I was no nearer finding it after an intolerable deal of travelling.
Thus occupied, and thus filled with a rare spleen, I happened upon my limping companion in this hopeless quest. We stopped as by a common thought on the verge of two paths.
'You are heated, it seems,' said he, panting.
'And you,' I retorted, 'have the sweat of a labourer.'
'Granted,' said he, and paused. 'This is a devil of a business,' he added, with a grimace.
I was very tired and dusty, and inordinately savage; I could have whipped out my sword and attacked him.
'I have tossed for hours,' said he, 'and it has brought me no nearer—not within scent of her.'
'I have seen her through the hedge,' said I; and have had a mighty pleasant talk with her.'
He seemed to consider, and then laid his hand on his sword.
'There was something we were to discuss,' says he. 'This is a convenient place.'
'To be sure,' I answered, 'An admirable thought!'
We bared our weapons.
'Stay,' said he suddenly, scrutinising the ground. 'Do you recognise the spot?' he asked. He walked off to the furthermost limit of the curve, and presently came limping back.
'We set out both with an exemplary passion for this lovely creature,' says he, looking at me very comically.
'Well?' said I, seeing he was to proceed.
'A girl,' he went on, 'who has enclosed herself within the Devil knows how many walls is in some sort sacrosanct. Her virginity demands respect,' says he.
'Well?' said I.
'And one that exacts as much sweat and worry of a lover as may be got out of the most desperate battle is in some sort a vixen,' says he.
'True; said I.
'Then,' says he, 'what say you? There is an elegant and most refreshing brew at mine host's in the village; and faith, the exit, as you will perceive, lies below us.' He jerked his thumb down the circle.
'Agreed,' said I suddenly; and, slamming down our swords into their scabbards, we linked our arms and marched abreast out of the maze upon the greensward.