# Trivia (Gay)/Part 1

TRIVIA.
BOOK I
OF THE IMPLEMENTS FOR WALKING THE STREETS AND SIGNS OF THE WEATHER.
Through winter streets to steer your course aright; How to walk clean by day, and safe by night; How jostling crowds, with prudence, to decline; When to assert the wall, and when resign; I sing: thou, Trivia! goddess, aid my song,5 Through spacious streets conduct thy bard along; By thee transported, I securely stray Where winding alleys lead the doubtful way, The silent court and op'ning square explore, And long perplexing lanes untrod before.10 To pave thy realm, and smooth the broken ways, Earth from her womb a flinty tribute pays: For thee the sturdy pav'or thumps the ground, Whilst ev'ry stroke his lab'ring lungs resound;
For thee the scavenger bids kennels glide15
Within their bounds, and heaps of dirt subside. My youthful bosom burns with thirst of fame, From the great theme to build a glorious name; To tread in paths to ancient bards unknown, And bind my temples with a civic crown:20 But more, my country's love demands the lays— My country's be the profit, mine the praise. When the black youth at chosen stands rejoice, And "Clean your shoes" resounds from ev'ry voice; When late their miry sides stage-coaches show,25 And their stiff horses through the town move slow; When all the Mall in leafy ruin lies, And damsels first renew their oyster cries; Then let the prudent walker shoes provide, Not of the Spanish or Morocco hide;—30 The wooden heel may raise the dancer's bound, And with the scallop'd top his step be crown'd;— Let firm well-hammer'd soles protect thy feet Through freezing snows, and rains, and soaking sleet. Should the big last extend the shoe too wide,35 Each stone will wrench th' unwary step aside;
The sudden turn may stretch the swelling vein,
Thy cracking joint unhinge, or ancle sprain:
And when too short the modish shoes are worn,
You'll judge the seasons by your shooting corn.40
Nor should it prove thy less important care,
To choose a proper coat for winter's wear.
Now in thy trunk thy D'Oily habit fold—
The silken drugget ill can fence the cold;
The freeze's spongy nap is soak'd with rain,45
And show’rs soon drench the camblet's cockled grain:
True Witney broad-cloth, with its shag unshorn,
Unpierc'd is in the lasting tempest worn:
Be this the horseman's fence; for who would wear
Amid the town the spoils of Russia's bear?50
Within the roqu'laure's clasp thy hands are pent—
Hands that stretch'd forth invading harms prevent.
Let the loop'd Bavaroy the fop embrace,
Or his deep cloak be spatter'd o'er with lace:
That garment best the winter's rage defends55 Whose shapeless form in ample plaits depends;
By various names in various counties known,
Yet held in all the true surtout alone:
Be thine of kersey firm, though small the cost,
Then brave unwet the rain, unchill'd the frost.60
If the strong cane support thy walking hand,
Chairmen no longer shall the wall command:
Ev’n sturdy carmen shall thy nod obey,
And rattling coaches stop to make thee way:
This shall direct thy cautious tread aright,65 Though not one glaring lamp enliven night.
Let beaux their canes with amber tipt produce;
Be theirs for empty show, but thine for use:
In gilded chariots while thy loll at ease,
And lazily ensure a life's disease;70 While softer chairs the tawdry load convey
To court, to White's, assemblies, or the play;
Rosy-complexion'd Health thy steps attends;
And exercise thy lasting youth defends.
Imprudent men Heav'n's choicest gifts profane:75
Thus, some beneath their arm support the cane;
The dirty point oft checks the careless pace,
And miry spots thy clean cravat disgrace:
Oh, may I never such misfortune meet!
May no such vicious walkers crowd the street!80
May Providence o'ershade me with her wings,
While the bold muse experienc'd dangers sings!
Not that I wander from my native home,
And (tempting perils) foreign cities roam.
Let Paris be the theme of Gallia’s muse,85 Where Slav'ry treads the streets in wooden shoes.
Nor do I rove in Belgia's frozen clime,
And teach the clumsy boor to skaite in rhyme;
Where, if the warmer clouds in rain descend,
No miry ways industrious steps offend—90 The rushing flood from sloping pavements pours,
And blackens the canals with dirty show’rs.
Let others Naples' smoother streets rehearse,
And with proud Roman structures grace their verse,
Where frequent murders wake the night with groans,
And blood in purple torrents dyes the stones.96 Nor shall the muse through narrow Venice stray,
Where gondolas their painted oars display:
O happy streets to rumbling wheels unknown—
No carts, no coaches, shake the floating town!100
Thus was, of old, Britannia's city bless'd,
Ere pride and luxury her sons possess'd;
Coaches and chariots yet unfashion'd lay, Nor late-invented chairs perplex'd the way: Then the proud lady tripp'd along the town,105 And tuck'd-up petticoats secur'd her gown; Her rosy cheeks with distant visits glow'd, And exercise unartful charms bestow'd: But since in braided gold her foot is bound, And a long trailing mantua sweeps the ground, Her shoe disdains the street—the lazy fair,110 With narrow step, affects a limping air. Now gaudy Pride corrupts the lavish age, And the streets flame with glaring equipage:— The tricking gamester insolently rides,115 With Loves and Graces on his chariot's sides: In saucy state the griping broker sits, And laughs at honesty and trudging wits. For you, O honest men these useful lays The muse prepares:—I seek no other praise.120 When sleep is first disturb'd by morning cries, From sure prognostics learn to know the skies, Lest you of rheums and coughs at night complain, Surpris'd in dreary fogs or driving rain.
When suffocating mists obscure the morn,125 Let thy worst wig, long us'd to storms, be worn: This knows the powder'd footman, and, with care, Beneath his flapping hat secures his hair. Be thou for every season justly drest: Nor brave the piercing frost with open breast;130 And when the bursting clouds a deluge pour, Let thy surtout defend the drenching show'r, The changing weather certain signs reveal.—
Ere Winter sheds her snow, or frosts congeal, You'll see the coals in brighter flames aspire,135 And sulphur tinge with blue the rising fire; Your tender shins the scorching heat decline, And at the dearth of coals the poor repine: Before her kitchen-hearth the nodding dame, In flannel mantle wrapt, enjoys the flame;140 Hov'ring, upon her feeble knees she bends, And all around the grateful warmth ascends. Nor do less certain signs the town advise Of milder weather and serener skies.— The ladies, gaily dress'd, the Mall adorn145 With various dyes, and paint the sunny morn;
The wanton fawns with frisking pleasure range, And chirping sparrows greet the welcome change: Not that their minds with greater skill are fraught, Endu'd by instinct, or by reason taught;150 The seasons operate on ev'ry breast:—- 'T is hence that fawns are brisk, and ladies drest. When on his box the nodding coachman snores, And dreams of fancied fares; when tavern doors The chairmen idly crowd; then ne'er refuse155 To trust thy busy steps in thinner shoes. But when the swinging signs your ears offend With creaking noise, then rainy floods impend: Soon shall the kennels swell with rapid streams, And rush in muddy torrents to the Thames.160 The bookseller, whose shop's an open square, Foresees the tempest, and with early care Of learning strips the rails: the rowing crew, To tempt a fare, clothe all their tilts in blue. On hosiers' poles depending stockings tied,165 Flag with the slacken'd gale from side to side. Church monuments foretel the changing air;— Then Niobe dissolves into a tear,
And sweats with secret grief. You'll hear the sounds
Of whistling winds ere kennels break their bounds;
Ungrateful odours common-sewers diffuse,
And drooping vaults distil unwholesome dews,
Ere the tiles rattle with the smoking show'r,
And spouts on heedless men their torrents pour.
All superstition from thy breast repel.— 175 Let cred’lous boys and prattling nurses tell
How, if the festival of Paul be clear,
Plenty from lib'ral horn shall strow the year;
When the dark skies dissolve in snow or rain,
The lab’ring hind shall yoke the steer in vain;180 But if the threat'ning winds in tempest roar,
Then War shall bathe her wasteful sword in gore:—
How, if on Swithin's feast the welkin lours,
And ev'ry penthouse streams with hasty show’rs,
Twice twenty days shall clouds their fleeces drain,
And wash the pavements with incessant rain.186 Let not such vulgar tales debase thy mind;
Nor Paul nor Swithin rules the clouds and wind.
If you the precepts of the muse despise,
And slight the faithful warning of the skies,190
Others you'll see, when all the town's afloat, Wrapt in th' embraces of a kersey coat, Or double-button'd freeze; their guarded feet Defy the muddy dangers of the street:194 While you, with hat unloop'd, the fury dread Of spouts high streaming, and with cautious tread Shun ev'ry dashing pool; or idly stop, To seek the kind protection of a shop. But bus'ness summons: now with hasty scud You jostle for the wall; the spatter'd mud200 Hides all thy hose behind; in vain you scour; Thy wig, alas! uncurrd, admits the show'r. So fierce Alecto's snaky tresses fell, When Orpheus charm'd the rigorous pow'rs of hell: Or thus hung Glaucus' beard, with briny dew205 Clotted and strait, when first his am'rous view Surpris'd the bathing fair; the frighted maid Now stands a rock, transform'd by Circe's aid. Good housewives all the winter's rage despise, Defended by the ridinghood's disguise;210 Or, underneath th' umbrella's oily shade, Safe through the wet on clinking pattens tread.
Let Persian dames th' umbrella's ribs display,
To guard their beauties from the sunny ray;
Or sweating slaves support the shady load,215
When eastern monarchs show their state abroad;
Britain in winter only knows its aid,
To guard from chilly show'rs the walking maid.— But, oh! forget not, muse, the patten's praise!
That female implement shall grace thy lays:220 Say, from what art divine th' invention came,
And from its origin deduce the name.
Where Lincoln wide extends her fenny soil,
A goodly yeoman liv'd, grown white with toil;
One only daughter blest his nuptial bed,225
Who from her infant hand the poultry fed:
Martha (her careful mother's name) she bore;
But now her careful mother was no more.
Whilst on her father's knee the damsel play'd,
Patty he fondly called the smiling maid:230 As years increased, her ruddy beauty grew,
And Patty's fame o'er all the village flew.
Soon as the grey-ey'd morning streaks the skies, And in the doubtful day the woodcock flies,
Her cleanly pail the pretty housewife bears,235 And, singing, to the distant field repairs: And when the plains with ev'ning dews are spread, The milky burthen smokes upon her head; Deep through a miry lane she pick'd her way, Above her ancle rose the chalky clay.240 Vulcan by chance the bloomy maiden spies, With innocence and beauty in her eyes: He saw, he lov'd; for yet he ne'er had known Sweet innocence and beauty meet in one. Ah, Mulciber! recall thy nuptial vows—245 Think on the graces of thy Paphian spouse! Think how her eyes dart inexhausted charms! And can'st thou leave her bed for Patty's arms? The Lemnian Pow'r forsakes the realms above, His bosom glowing with terrestrial love.250 Far in the lane a lonely hut he found; No tenant ventur'd on th' unwholesome ground. Here smokes his forge; he bares his sinewy arm, And early strokes the sounding anvil warm: Around his shop the steely sparkles flew,255 As for the steed he shap'd the bending shoe.
When blue-ey'd Patty near his window came, His anvil rests, his forge forgets to flame: To hear his soothing tales she feigns delays;— What woman can resist the force of praise?260 At first she coily ev'ry kiss withstood, And all her cheek was flush'd with modest blood: With heedless nails he now surrounds her shoes, To save her steps from rains and piercing dews. She lik'd his soothing tales, his presents wore,265 And granted kisses—but would grant no more. Yet winter chilled her feet, with cold she pines, And on her cheek the fading rose declines; No more her humid eyes their lustre boast,269 And in hoarse sounds her melting voice is lost. This Vulcan saw, and in his heavenly thought A new machine mechanic fancy wrought, Above the mire her shelter'd steps to raise, And bear her safely through the wint'ry ways. Strait the new engine on his anvil glows,275 And the pale virgin on the patten rose. No more her lungs are shook with dropping rheums, And on her cheek reviving beauty blooms. . . .
The God obtain'd his suit: though flatt'ry fail, Presents with female virtue must prevail. . . .280 The patten now supports each frugal dame,  Which from the blue-ey'd Patty takes the name.