# Lesbia Newman (1889)/Chapter 22

CHAPTER XXII.
The Screaming Farce Bill.
From the Daily Twaddler, June 31st 189—.
Imperial Parliament, House of Commons. Wednesday.
The Speaker took the chair at four o’clock.
After the despatch of some preliminary business—
Mr Jacobson, in moving the second reading of a Bill to substitute paid delegates for unpaid deputies, with a view to prevent the House of Commons from degenerating into a Screaming Farce, said that, in his opinion, the prevalent popular notion about this honourable House being a club pure and simple, a place for good-fellowship and jollification only, should be corrected, and it should be boldly made known that the national welfare and civilisation, not merely the personal entertainment of hon. members of the club, were the paramount objects of our parliamentary institutions. The question, however, was whether such innovation was practicable in the present shape of the constitution. If not, then the constitution ought to be altered. No romantic sentiments towards a historic assembly should obscure the main issue from the people of this country. Utility must be considered first, sentiment afterwards. ​They had to ask themselves plainly whether the House of Commons continued still to be what it was formerly, the most perfect legislative machine in the world, or whether, under present conditions, it was proving more and more a failure, and tending more to become what he was sure all parties alike would be sorry to see it—simply a Screaming Farce.
The O'Blunderbuss rose to order. He would support the Bill, as a good Loyalist who liked screaming farces in their proper places, but did not think that the Imperial Legislature was a proper place. How could Loyalists look to a Screaming Farce to maintain law and order in the sister island? There was already reason to fear that the moon-lighters were getting the upper hand again, and it was scandalous that surrounding nations should be led to believe that the kingdom was destined to remain for ever under moonlight government.
A member of the Opposition,—That would be nothing new. (Laughter.)
The Speaker,—I must beg hon. members to observe that they are wasting the time of the House by these irrelevancies.
Mr Jacobson did not quite gather the drift of the hon. member for Belfast with respect to moonlight, but he still hoped that practical unanimity existed as to the objections against allowing this honourable assembly to degenerate into actors in a Screaming Farce. The disrepute would not attach to the legislature merely, the national character would be lowered in the eyes of surrounding nations, and not even the most magnificent feats of arms of precision against naked savages armed with spears would avail to restore our prestige. He did hope that the British nation, still, in some respects, the foremost in the world, had not come to such a pass, otherwise it would matter little what was said by ​anyone in these once august precincts. (Cheers.) Now to come to the remedy. He contended that there was no better way to impress on Parliament the stamp of earnestness than by instituting paid delegates in place of unpaid deputies. Our old deputy system was getting worn out—it was an anachronism. Formerly the two Houses of Parliament really represented the legislative intelligence of the country. Hodge and ’Arry were then content to vote at elections just as they were bid or bribed, and to leave politics in the hands of that oligarchy which they had been bred up to regard as a superior order of beings. Education was then an expensive luxury, and was tacitly looked upon as the privilege of a caste. Now all that was changed. The cheap press and the forcing school had made politics common property, and disposed nine people out of ten to have an opinion of their own on the questions of the day. Public opinion no longer meant, as it did once, the hooraying or hooting of an ignorant mob; it had become a subtle, sensitive, and, in the last resort, irresistible power. This being so, the representative deputy was out of place. He had comparatively carte blanche, his parliamentary action was at his own discretion, and he could at any time retort against reproaches from his constituents that he was not paid for his services, but, on the contrary, put to heavy expense to render them. The constituency was thus in a false position, feeling it awkward to call its deputy representative to account, except in extreme cases. Now the paid delegate would be differently situated altogether. His instructions upon every important question would be clear and concise, and if he took liberties, he would be liable to ejection from his seat with as little ceremony as a defaulting clerk. An assembly composed of such delegates would feel in no metaphysical way that it was trustee for the public time and money, and that it could be very shortly and sharply hauled up if it abused its trust. (Hear.)
​Mr Giles Doherty rose to move an amendment, namely, that the word delegates should be held to include females. He was of opinion that the time was come when the talents of both sexes should be called, without partiality or favour, to rescue the legislative machine of this great empire from lapsing into the condition of a Screaming Farce. It was only a combination of superstition and arrogance on the part of men which had stood in the way of this being done before; and they were now paying the penalty by the degradation of that assembly, the membership of which they had been proud to associate with their names. The principle of the Bill, so far as it went, was right enough; he entirely concurred with the views of the hon. member in charge of it, so far as they went, but they did not go far enough. A reform of this kind must be drastic to be effective, and he did not for his part see the use of destroying the old jollification club of squires, if it were not to be replaced by a completely revolutionised body, which might reasonably be expected to accomplish the work the jolly squires had left undone. (Hear.)
Mr Normanton seconded the amendment. He would ask hon. gentlemen of all parties what good ever had been or ever would be done by continuing to withhold from legislation the benefit of feminine intelligence. It was nonsense to say that women were conservative or were this, that, or the other. Every political party, from the extreme Right to the extreme Left (to borrow the French mode), possessed its highly cultivated and intelligent women. More particularly, if the plan were about to be adopted of substituting paid delegates with plainly defined parliamentary duties for unpaid deputies almost irresponsible, the little experience which the country already possessed of employing women in public posts, certainly went to show that they discharged public duties quite as efficiently and as a rule more ​conscientiously than men in the same position. He did not like the term Screaming Farce as applied to this ancient and honourable house, and he rather wondered that a measure had been drafted containing so undignified an expression. But assuredly the very way to make the Lower Chamber merit such an appellation, would be to persevere in the old ruts after all the warnings we had had. (Hear.)
Mr Battleboy Bottileboy then moved the Previous Question, in accordance with his notice. He said that the principle of the Bill was objectionable throughout, but the amendment which had been sprung upon them made it doubly objectionable. As an old member, he felt sure that Englishmen at large were attached to the parliamentary system which had withstood so many shocks, and would regard as a sort of impiety any attempt to tamper with it. As for the idea of introducing petticoat rule into Parliament—(Oh!)—he should feel bound to oppose it tooth and nail, as the saying was. The admission of women into the House would never do; they would always be fussy and wanting things. (Laughter.)
A Radical member,—Things! What sort of things?
Mr Battleboy Bottleboy,—Why, what they would call practical measures—redress of crying wrongs, stoppage of waste, effective sanitary provisions, free discussion of social evils, suppression of cruelty to children, animals, and all the defenceless, thorough investigation and reform of the poor-laws, and so forth, in short, all sorts of d—d nonsense. (Order.)
The Speaker,—I regret that it is my duty to call the hon. member for Lundy to order.
Mr Battleboy Bottleboy,—I withdraw the expression, Sir, but I am sure hon. gentlemen on both sides of the House must see that it would never do. If through the admission of petticoats—(Order)—through the admission of ​ladies, this House were to get into unprecedented habits—(Laughter)—it would lose caste, and then surrounding nations would begin to sneer at us and would decline to follow our example. For I conceive that this country has still a mission to fulfil, it is that of being jolly herself and teaching foreigners to be jolly. And if that mission is to be frustrated by these—these most undesirable reforms, why, I would rather see Parliament both retain and deserve the name of a Screaming Farce, than be a party to the sacrilege. The very introduction of such a measure is a sign, I am afraid, that the country is going to the dogs. It may not be elegant to say so, but that is the truth. Although we have done well and wisely by seating a Bungling Coalition in power, yet revolutionary democracy continues to be a disturbing force in the land. (Ironical Opposition cheers.) The bonds of society are in danger of giving way, for open infidelity and blasphemy are tolerated, and licentiousness of all sorts is winked at and is spreading: we are coming under a moral plague. Still, as I said before, in spite of the forces of disintegration which are doing their fatal work, there remains one thing which this great country can do, and that is to be jolly herself and teach foreigners to be jolly. But this is dependent upon sticking up for our old customs and not allowing new-fangled considerations of utility to corrode and undermine our glorious constitution. I am quite aware that in the present temper of the House, moving the Previous Question is the emptiest of hollow forms; nevertheless, I am confident that when the ill-advised measure reaches another place, it will be summarily disposed of. (Hear, from the Ministerial benches.)
Mr Giles Doherty said that if a majority of this House were against the Bill, there was, of course, an end of the matter; but as for the will of the country being set aside in another place, although he, for one, should be reluctant to see ​another place made to enlarge her borders and open her mouth without measure, yet he took leave to remind the House that the swamping of another place by the wholesale creation of new inmates was a measure within the scope of the existing constitution. He would prefer, however, to see the Upper Chamber dealt with by having its veto taken away; by this its political teeth would be drawn without injuring its social utility, if it had any. (Radical cheers.)
The Speaker,—I must take occasion to remind hon. gentlemen that these informal attacks upon another estate of the realm are unparliamentary.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer said he felt sure of the assent of his colleagues in predicting that such a step as the wholesale creation of new peers would not be recommended by Her Majesty’s present Government.
It being now the dinner hour, the sitting was suspended. When the debate was resumed.
Mr Battleboy Bottleboy, on rising again, was greeted with loud Ministerial cheers. The hon. gentleman was observed to take up an attitude of address with his thumbs inserted in the arm-pits of his waistcoat, his chin depressed, his countenance illumined with a beaming smile, his feet planted firmly about eighteen inches apart, as if for cavalry sword exercise, and the central portion of his person maintaining a regular horizontal oscillation, suggestive of an attempt to restore thereby a badly-fitting key to the door to which it belonged. He said,—
‘M—m—m-mishter Speaker an—m—m—m—mludsanjellum. I am quite sh—sh—shensible of the t—t—truth o’ the osservation made by the hon. member for Eastshire respecting the proposed ammition of pettico—l—l—ladies to the p—p—p—privileges of a p—p—parliamentary career, and I’m q—quite ready to sh—shport by vote ​whatever p—p—pleashesladies—hic! As the hon. jellum truly remarks, it would do away with the character of a Shcreaming Farsh which attaches to this—hic! ancient and honourable ’Ouse, and therefore I’m q—quiteweady.’ (Laughter, cries of ‘Speak up.’ ‘Explain.’ ‘You said the contrary before.’) ‘Quite true, m—m—mludsanjellum; hon. members are quite q—quitewight. But—fact is, ye see—I've ch—ch—ch—changememine—yes, completely ch—ch—changememine—hic!’ (Uproar, Ministerial groans, Opposition cheers, much laughter.)
The Speaker,—I really must beg the hon. member for Lundy to bring his speech to a close; this is positively indecorous.’
Mr Battleboy Bottleboy,—Quite wight M—m—m—mishter Speaker—I ’umbly bow to your decision, Sir—hic!—always b—b—bow to the authority o’ the chair, you know; but weally and truly, mludsanjellum, I—I— (‘Speak up!’ ‘Sit down!’ Great laughter.)
The Speaker,—I shall be obliged to name the hon. member if he will not desist. It is impossible that this can be allowed to go on.
Mr Lattleboy Bottleboy,—I b—b—beg to deshist at once an—t—to—b—b—bow to the authority o’ the chair—you know—but also I mus—b—b—begleave M—m—mishter Shpeakaw—hic! jush to shay in conclusion, that on sh—shecond thoughts I’ve ch—changemine back again, and now I’m quite in favour of this—hic!—honourable ’Ouse being and becoming a sh—sh—sh—hic! a sh—Shqueamingfarsh—hic! (More uproar, Ministerial cheers, Opposition groans, whistles, cat-calls, etc., amid which the hon. gentleman the member for Lundy resumed his seat with a heavy thud, and then rolled on to the knees of the hon. member on his left, and finally upon the floor.) It now became a question of applying the closure, when, taking advantage of a momentary lull,
​Mr Giles Doherty rose to withdraw his amendment, fearing it might wreck the measure. Cries of ‘Divide’ then arose, and eventually the House divided upon the Bill in its unamended form, when there appeared
| For the second reading | 189 |
| Against | 278 |
| Majority against | 89 |
The Bill was therefore lost.