# Book of Etiquette/Volume 2/Part 4/Chapter 1

CHAPTER I
SPEECH
One is judged first by his dress but this judgment is not final. A better index is his speech. It is said that one can tell during a conversation that lasts not longer than a summer shower whether or not a man is cultivated. Often it does not take even so long, for a raucous tone of voice and grossly ungrammatical or vulgar expressions brand a man at once as beyond the pale of polite society.
No point of social etiquette is quite so valuable as this one of speech. As one goes forth he is weighed in the balance and if he is found wanting here he is quietly dropped by refined and cultured people, and nearly always he is left wondering why with his diamonds and his motors and his money he yet cannot find entrée into the inner circles where he would most like to be. Money does not buy everything. If it were possible for it to do so there would be no proverb to the effect that it takes three generations to make a gentleman. And the proverb itself is not more than half true. If the attitude of mind is that of one who honestly wants to develop himself to the highest possible point, mentally, morally, and spiritually, it can be done in much less than a single generation. Of course, much depends upon one's definition of what constitutes a gentleman but for the purpose of this book we mean a man of education, high principles, honor, courtesy, and kindness.
CONVERSATION
There is an old Italian proverb that says, "He who has a tongue in his head can go all the world over." But it is not enough merely to have a tongue in one's head. That tongue must have a certain distinct appeal before it becomes the weapon before which all the barriers of social success vanish.
We have all heard the expression, "The magic power of words." Is it a magic power? Or to be more explicit, is conversation an art or a gift? The answer must certainly be an art, for nature never gives that which study accomplishes. And by study you can become a master of speech—you can make words a veritable torch, illuminating you and your surroundings. But words alone mean very little. It is the grouping of words, expressions, phrases; the combination of thoughts that make real conversation.
"In the beginning of the world," said Xanthes, "primitive man was contented to imitate the language of the animals." But as we study the evolution of human nature, we find that man was not long content to imitate the sounds of the animals in the forests. He found the need to express himself, his sensations, his thoughts, in more definite and satisfactory manner. He wanted to share his joys with his neighbors, and he wanted to tell others about his sorrows. And so, nature in her wise judgment, decreed that he should speak, and in his speech should convey his thoughts and ideas to those who listened.
We do not think of these things to-day when we "chatter" aimlessly among ourselves, caring little whether or not we make the most of that wonderful power bestowed ​upon us. Yes, speech is a power. It is a most effective weapon, not only to social success, but to the very success of life, if one does not ignore the power of its influence. And that is the purpose of the following paragraphs—to help you realize and profit by the powers of speech and conversation.
THE CHARM OF CORRECT SPEECH
It is strange, but true, that the spirit of conversation is often more important than the ideas expressed. This is especially true in social circles. Since speech is never used in solitude, we may take it for granted that the spoken word is an expression of the longing for human sympathy. Thus, it is a great accomplishment to be able to enter gently and agreeably into the moods and feelings of others, and to cultivate the feelings of sympathy and kindness.
Early in the seventeenth century the causerie (chat) was highly esteemed in France. This was a meeting, at the Hotel Rambouillet, of the great nobles, literary people, and intelligent and brilliant women of France, gathered together for the definite purpose of conversation—of "chatting." Among these people, representing the highest intellectual class in France at the time, there developed the taste for daily talks—the tendency of which was toward profound, refined and elegant intercourse according to the standards of that day, and the criticisms offered by the members had a certain influence on the manners and literature of the epoch.
Many years have passed since those days of harmonious gatherings, but we mention them here to draw the comparison between those delightful gatherings of long ​ago, and our own drawing-rooms and social circles where brilliant men and women gather and converse on topics of immediate interest. If one has imagination, a striking similarity can be noticed between the two.
There is a certain charm in correct speech, a certain beauty in correct conversation. And it is well worth striving for.
COURTESY IN CONVERSATION
A Crow Indian once said to Dr. Lowie, "You Whites show no respect to your sisters. You talk to them." Other instances of how respect and courtesy can be shown in conversation, is found in the traditions and present-day practices of other countries.
In China, for instance, a young man will not introduce into conversation, a topic which has not already been touched upon by his elders. On the Fiji Islands, a woman does not talk to her mother-in-law, and among the Sioux, a young man does not talk at all unless someone else addresses him. These signs of courtesy in conversation have a certain distinct significance in the countries where they are practiced.
Courtesy is the very foundation of all good conversation. Good speech consists as much in listening politely as in talking agreeably. Someone has said, very wisely, "A talker who monopolizes the conversation is by common consent insufferable, and a man who regulates his choice of topics by reference to what interests not his hearers but himself has yet to learn the alphabet of the art." To be agreeable in conversation, one must first learn the law of talking just enough, of listening politely while others speak, and of speaking of that in which one's companions are most interested.
​There was a time when bluntness of manner was excused on the ground that the speaker was candid, frank, outspoken. People used to pride themselves upon the fact that in their conversation they had spoken the truth—and hurt some one. To-day there are certain recognized courtesies of speech, and kindliness has taken the place of candidness. There is no longer any excuse for you to say things in your conversation that will cause discomfort or pain to anyone of your hearers.
One should never interrupt unless there is a good reason for it and then it should be done with apologies. It is not courteous to ask a great many questions and personal ones are always taboo. One should be careful not to use over and over and over again the same words and phrases and one should not fall in the habit of asking people to repeat their remarks. Argument should be avoided and contradicting is always discourteous. When it seems that a heated disagreement is about to ensue it is wise tactfully to direct the conversation into other channels as soon as it can be done without too abrupt a turn, for to jerk the talk from one topic to another for the obvious purpose of "switching someone off the track" is in itself very rude.
Let your proverb be, "Talk well, but not too much."
THE VOICE
Ruskin said, "Vulgarity is indicated by coarseness of language." By language he meant not only words and phrases, but coarseness of voice. There can be nothing more characteristic of good breeding than a soft, well-modulated, pleasing voice. This quotation from Demosthenes is only another way of saying it: "As a vessel ​is known by the sound whether it is cracked or not, so men are proved by their speeches whether they be wise or foolish."
Conversation should be lively without noise. It is not well-bred to be demonstrative in action while speaking, to talk loudly, or to laugh boisterously. Conversation should have less emphasis, and more quietness, more dignified calmness. Some of us are so eager, in our determination to be agreeable in conversation, to dominate the entire room with our voice, that we forget the laws of good conduct. And we wonder why people consider us bores.
Don't be afraid to open your mouth when you talk. First know what you want to say, be sure that it is worth saying, and then say it calmly, confidently, through your mouth and not through your nose. Too many people talk through tightly closed teeth and then wonder why people don't understand them. Enunciate clearly and give to your vowels and consonants the proper resonance.
Another mistake to avoid is rapid speaking. To talk slowly and deliberately, is to enhance the pleasure and beauty of the conversation. Rapidity in speech results in indistinctness, and indistinctness leads invariably to monotony.
EASE IN SPEECH
There are two languages of speech—voice and gesture. Voice appeals to the ear, gesture to the eye. It is an agreeable combination of the two that makes conversation pleasant.
"A really well-bred man," a writer once said, "would speak to all kings in the world with as little concern and as much ease as he would speak to you." Confusion is ​the enemy of eloquence. Self-restraint must be developed before one can hope to be either a good conversationalist or a social success. To create a pleasant, harmonious atmosphere, and at the same time to make one's ideas carry conviction, one must talk with ease and calm assurance.
Try to be naturally courteous and cordial in your speech. It is a mistake to "wear your feelings on your sleeve" and resent everything that everyone else says that does not please you. To become quickly excited, to speak harshly and sarcastically is to sacrifice one's dignity and ease of manner. Know what you want to say, be sure you understand it, and when you say it, be open for criticisms or suggestions from those around you. Do not become flustered and excited merely because someone else does not agree with you. Remember that Homer said, "The tongue speaks wisely when the soul is wise," and surely the soul can be wise only when one is entirely calm, self-confident and at peace with all the world!
LOCAL PHRASES AND MANNERISMS
It is not always easy to drop the local phrases, colloquial expressions and mannerisms to which one has been accustomed for a long time. Yet good society does not tolerate these errors in speech. For they are errors, according to the standards of educated men and women.
To use such phrases as "How was that" when you mean "What was that" or "How's things" when you mean "How are you" are provincialisms which have no place in the cultured drawing-room. One must drop all bad habits of speech before claiming the "good English which is a passport into good society."
​Mannerisms in speech are evident in nasal expression and muffled words, spoken through half-closed teeth. We were not meant to speak in that unbeautiful manner, nor were we meant to gesticulate wildly as some of our drawing-room orators persist in doing—to the amusement of everyone else concerned. When you enter the world of good society, drop all your colloquial phrases and mannerisms behind.
IMPORTANCE OF VOCABULARY
Simple expression has the same advantage over flowery language as a simple and artistic room has over a room filled with gaudy, inharmonious embellishments. One is effective, the other defective. And yet to express ideas simply and correctly, with a regard for polish and poise, one must have a good command of the language.
Make a resolve, right now, that you will never use a foreign word when you can give its meaning in English. And also determine now, definitely, that no matter how popular slang becomes in the less refined circles of society, you will never use it because you know that it is the badge of vulgarity. There is nothing quite as beautiful as good, simple English, when it is spoken correctly.
To know the right word in the right place, to know its correct pronunciation and spelling, there is nothing more valuable than a good standard dictionary. If you haven't one—a new revised edition—get one right away. You can not hope to become a pleasing conversationalist until you own and use a good dictionary.
An excellent way to increase your vocabulary and perfect your speech is to talk less, and listen politely while others lead the conversation. There's a lot of truth in that old maxim, "Speech is silver, but silence is gold!"
INTERRUPTING THE SPEECH OF OTHERS
It was mentioned previously that the Sioux youth does not speak until he is first spoken to. This is also true of the young Armenian woman. She would be horrified at the idea of addressing a woman older than herself, unless first spoken to. Many other countries observe these courtesies of speech, with a wholesome effect upon the general culture of the people.
How often, here in our own country, even in the most highly cultivated society, do we hear a man or woman carelessly interrupt the conversation of another, perhaps an older person, without so much as an apology! It is bad form, to say the least, but it is also distinctly rude. No person of good breeding will interrupt the conversation of another no matter how startling and remarkable an idea he may have. It will be just as startling and remarkable a few minutes later, and the speaker will have gained poise and confidence in the time that he waits for the chance to speak.
Whispering in company is another bad habit that must be avoided. The drawing-room or reception room is no place for personal secrets or hidden bits of gossip. The man or woman commits a serious breach in good conduct by drawing one or two persons aside and whispering something to them.
TACT IN CONVERSATION
Be careful not to give too strong an expression of your likes and dislikes. To master this important point of speech, it is wise to examine carefully and frankly all ​your opinions before expressing them in words. It is necessary that you understand yourself, before you are able to make others understand you.
In carrying on a conversation in a public place be sure to keep the voice modulated and do not mention the names of people about whom you are talking in such a way that anyone overhearing the conversation by chance could identify them. It is best to avoid all personal talk when one is in public.
The person who is always trying to set other people right does not use tact. If they wanted assistance, they would probably ask. People are sensitive, and they do not like to have their shortcomings commented upon by others.
Ask questions only if you are gifted with great tact. Otherwise you are bound to create embarrassing situations. If you do ask questions, make them of a general character, rather than personal. But never be curious, because people resent inquisitiveness—and rightly so, for it is a very undesirable trait to have, and each person has a right to privacy.
Never talk for mere talking's sake. Speak only when you have something to say, and then talk quietly, deliberately and with sincerity. Never criticize, antagonize or moralize—and your company will be sought by everyone.
SOME IMPORTANT INFORMATION
If you mumble over your words and have difficulty in pronouncing clearly, you will find it a great help to talk very slowly and take deep breaths between each two or three words. For stammering, deep breathing is also ​suggested before uttering the words upon which one is most likely to come to grief.
Self-consciousness is the result of exaggerated humility. If you concentrate upon what you are saying, and forget all about how you are saying it, you will forget your shyness. Respect yourself, have confidence in yourself—and nervousness and shyness in conversation will vanish.
Lisping is a matter of defective speech, and although reading aloud and dramatic recitations help, it is best to consult a specialist if ordinary methods fail to prevent it. Such habits as hesitation, coughing, or groping for a word, are often forms of nervousness and a little will-power exerted in the right direction may easily control them.
Above all, be simple and be sincere. Let interest in your subject lend animation to your face and manner. Do not attempt to make yourself appear brilliant and inspired, for you will only succeed in making yourself ridiculous. Be modest, pleasant, agreeable and sympathetic, and you will find that you win the immediate response of your audience, whether it consists of two people or two hundred people.
WHAT TO TALK ABOUT
In this beautiful country, filled with charming wood-land scenes, landmarks of interest, museums, schools, monuments, libraries, there is no excuse for the man or woman who finds that he or she has "nothing to talk about." In the newspapers every day, in books, plays, operas, even in the advertisements and posters, there is material for interesting conversation.
​Try it the next time you meet some friends and you find that conversation lags. Talk about something, any thing, until you get started. Talk about the sunset you saw last night, or the little crippled boy who was selling newspapers. As long as it is something with a touch of human interest in it, and if you tell it with the desire to please rather than impress, your audience will be interested in your conversation. But to remain quiet, answering only when you are spoken to, and allowing conversation to die each time it reaches you, is a feature of conduct belonging only to the ignorant and dull. There are many pleasant and agreeable things to talk about—argument and discussion have no place in the social drawing-room—and there is no reason why you cannot find them and make use of them.
If you are forgetful, and somewhat shy in the company of others, it might be well to jot down and commit to memory any interesting bit of information or news that you feel would be worthy of repetition. It may be an interesting little story, or a clever repartee, or some amusing incident — but whatever it is, make the appeal general. It is a mistake to talk only about those things that interest you; when Matthew Arnold was once asked what his favorite topic for conversation was, he answered, "That in which my companion is most interested."
Make that your ideal, and you can hardly help becoming an agreeable and pleasing conversationalist.