# Indira and Other Stories/Doctor Macrurus/Chapter 1

DOCTOR MACRURUS OR Vyaghracharya Brihallangul
I.
Once upon a time, the tiger folk held a great Congress in the forests of the Sunderbans. On a plot of rising ground in the heart of the woods sat row upon row of the great beasts, the gleam of their shining teeth showing bravely in the dense gloom of the jungle. By an unanimous vote, an aged tiger named Gastrimargos had been chosen to preside over their deliberations. The honourable Gastrimargos, sitting up gravely, and supported by his tail, began the business of the meeting by thus addressing the distinguished assemblage.
​"This is a memorable day in the annals of our race. I see before me, gathered together to discuss matters relating to our common welfare, the most eminent members of our ancient, famous, sylvan and carnivorous community. Alas, other animals, envious and slanderous creatures, have spread the report that we are unsocial, divided, inhabiting each his own patch of jungle, incapable of united action. One of the principal objects of this unexampled gathering is to refute this unfounded and wicked aspersion. So rapidly are we advancing in civilisation, that we may well cherish the hope that we shall soon be counted among the most cultivated and polished of living beings. It is my highest aspiration that, by means of such concerted action as we have now adopted, we may be able to pursue our ancestral trade of preying upon other animals in peace and prosperity." (Loud applause by slapping of tails on the ground.) "And now, my brethren, let me briefly announce the particular business for which you have been convened. You are all ​only too well aware that of late years there has been a lamentable falling off of polite instruction among us. The fact is indisputable; the remedy is easy. There has arisen a very real desire for education among us. Nowadays, it may be said, all sorts and conditions of animals are educated. Why should we not follow this example? This Congress has gathered to discuss the educational needs of our race. With these few words, I declare the meeting open, and invite you to begin your discussion of the important matters which will be submitted to you."
The assemblage indicated their approval of this brief oration by vigorous growls and roarings. Various resolutions were then read and supported by extremely long speeches, which, inspite of the correctness of the grammar and the excellence of the rhetoric employed in them, were, it must be admitted, terrific in utterance. In truth the woods trembled at the sound of oratory so sonorous. When other business had been transacted, the president sat up and said, "You ​are all no doubt aware that a savant among tigers, the illustrious Megalopygos, inhabits these forests. This learned gentleman has kindly consented to read a paper to us to-night, taking as his subject, "The Natural History of Man"."
At mention of the word 'man', several of the younger tigers present felt a sensation of hunger, but seeing no preparations for a public banquet, put a tactful restraint on their instinctive desire to express their sentiments. The learned lecturer, at the president's invitation, arose with a courteous growl and, in a voice calculated to fill the wayfarer with terror, delivered the following discourse:—
"Mr. President, Ladies and Gentlemen,
Men, from one point of view, may be regarded as bipeds. They are, however, unprovided with feathers, and cannot therefore be called birds. On the other hand, they have many points in common with quadrupeds. ​Their limbs and osteology resemble those of quadrupeds. On a general consideration of their physical structure, they may, I think, fairly be included among the four-footed animals. It is true that they lack the comeliness and force of other quadrupeds, but it would not be fair, merely on this account, to classify them among birds and other mere bipeds.
Among fourfooted beasts, they bear the closest resemblance to monkeys. Men of science tell us that it is possible, in the course of many generations, for animals to develop missing limbs and wanting faculties, and so to rise in the scale of creation. It is permitted to us to entertain the hope that men may, in their progressive evolution, develop tails and rise to the dignity of being monkeys.
"You are all, no doubt, aware that men are agreeable to the taste and furnish digestible and nourishing food." (At these words the members of the audience licked their lips.) "You also know that they fall an easy prey to our noble race. Unlike deer, they are not swift of flight; ​unlike the buffaloes of our native woods, they have neither horns nor the strength to use them. No reasonable person can doubt that they were created by bountiful Providence solely for the use of tigers, and hence were unprovided with means of escape or defence. But for this obvious consideration it would be difficult to imagine what possible purpose could be served by the existence of a species so feeble and so ill prepared for the competitive struggle of life. Let us, without further argument, admit that they are good for food. For many reasons, and especially on account of the tenderness of their flesh, we are all very fond of men. What may surprise you is the undoubted fact that these creatures are equally fond of us! If any gentleman present is inclined to throw doubt on this assertion, let me, by way of proof, state my own humble experience in the matter. I may perhaps without arrogance claim that in the course of my investigations I have travelled more widely than anyone here to-night. During my wanderings, I happened to journey to the north ​of these famous Sunderbans, the chosen home of our illustrious race. I found myself in a land inhabited by cows, men and other defenceless and harmless creatures. The men there are of two species, black and white in colour. I happened to be out one day on business."
An inquisitive tiger of the name of Odontokeros ventured to interrupt with the question, "May I ask what the learned lecturer means by the word 'business'?"
"Business", replied the lecturer, "is, briefly, the search for food. Civilised races nowadays invariably use this euphemism. I must, however, admit that this universal occupation cannot always be justly described by this term. In the case of exalted and respectable persons it may rightly be called 'business'; when inferior people hunt for provendor, their task becomes thieving, domestic service, or begging. The business of dishonest persons is commonly called 'theft'; those who steal forcibly ​are 'robbers'. But the word 'robber' must not be used indiscriminately. Sometimes the word 'hero' must be substituted. It is only the punishable forms of exaction that are called 'robbery'. All other varieties of this pursuit are called 'heroism'. I must beg you, when mixing in polished society, to bear these distinctions in mind. Otherwise you will run the risk of being considered uncivilised. For my own part, I have come to the private conclusion that these are unnecessary refinements and that all these categories might very well be included under the one word 'gastrophily'.
Be that as it may, I continue my narration, and repeat that men are extremely devoted to tigers. As I have said before, I one day wandered among the habitations of men on business. You have no doubt heard that some years ago there was established in the Sunderbans a Port Canning Company."
​Odontokeros again interrupted to ask what manner of beast a Port Canning Company might be.
"I cannot honestly say", admitted the lecturer, "that I am well informed on that point. I have never been able to ascertain what its external aspect was, or to what genus of living creatures it belonged. But I have been informed that it was created by men, that its drink was the heart's blood of men, and that it waxed very fat on this nourishment. I ought to mention that the race of men is extraordinarily improvident. They are perpetually occupied in devising means for their own destruction. The weapons that they use are a proof of this fact. I have heard that they will collect by thousands in an open place and deliberately slay one another with these weapons. My own belief is that this Port Canning Company was a demoniac form created by men for their mutual destruction.
That, however, is irrelevant to the subject of ​my discourse, and I must beg you to refrain from further interruptions. The time at my disposal is limited, and I have much that is interesting to say. Our president will support me in the statement that such interruptions are considered as breaches of order in civilised assemblies.
Once more, ladies and gentlemen, I assert that I went to Matla, the abode of this Port Canning Company, on business. I happened to see a plump and lively kid in a curious construction of stout bamboos. The entrance was open, and I entered to taste the food thus temptingly offered to me. The building was, I found, a magical one, for the door closed of itself behind me. Presently several men made their appearance. It was evident that they were overjoyed at my advent among them. They gave vent to shouts, laughter, and various uncouth exclamations of pleasure. I was able to understand that they indulged in praises of my strength and beauty. They were lost in admiration of my teeth, my claws, and, above all, my tail. ​Some actually affectionately addressed me by the endearing term of 'brother-in-law'.
Finally they respectfully raised me together with the temporary residence in which I found myself (their own name for it is a 'trap') and placed me in a cart drawn by two snow-white bullocks. I must admit that the sight of these animals filled me with the pangs of hunger, but seeing no immediate means of escaping from the magic 'trap', I took a light meal off the kid so considerately provided by my kind captors. Travelling thus in state, and feasting comfortably as I went, I was conveyed to the abode of a white man in the city. He most respectfully came to his door to give me fitting greeting, and was good enough to indicate a dwelling for me adorned with elegant iron bars. In this place he daily gratified me with offerings of living or newly slain goats and sheep. Other men of various races and conditions came to pay their respects to me and evidently acquired merit by ​this pious observance. I dwelt a long time in this commodious and safe place of residence. Surrounded by so many comforts and conveniences, for a while I was contented and even happy. But, before long, I began to feel the ache of homesickness. When the vision of this my sacred native land came to my memory, I gave vent to my emotion in the most pathetic roarings and howls. Ah, Motherland of the Sunderbans, could I ever forget thee? At the thought of thy dear forests, I would refuse the flesh of sheep and of goats. Or rather, to be quite accurate, I rejected their skin and bones, and revealed my disquietude to the anxious spectators by the furious lashings of my tail. Ah, land of my birth! So long as I was absent from thee, I never ate—save when I was very hungry; never slept unless I was really sleepy! What better proof of my grief can I give than the solemn assertion that never, no, never, did I eat more than a mere bellyful—or at most a pound or two more. Never more!"
The lecturer was so overcome by these ​memories that he kept silence for some time. It has been asserted that he wept, and indeed one or two drops were noticed to fall on the dry dust before him. It is possible, however, that these were due to the fact that his mouth watered at the thought of the daily meals provided during his distant exile. Recovering himself, however, he continued:—
"I need not explain at length how I came to quit this agreeable lodging. One day my attendant, after cleaning my apartment, left the door open; whether because he had guessed the pangs of homesickness from which I was suffering, or from carelessness, I shall now never know. Anyhow, I seized the opportunity—and a disappointingly lean gardener who happened to be passing—and returned to our beloved native land.
If any excuse be required for this detailed account of my adventures among the haunts of men, let me explain that my sole object is to indicate that I had abundant opportunities for making a careful and detailed study of the ​peculiarities of the genus men. I will tell you nothing that is not the outcome of personal observation. I am not in the habit of indulging in the shameless inventions of which some travellers have been convicted. Let me tell you, once for all, that I utterly disbelieve many tales that are current among us as to the habits and customs of men. For instance, we have been brought up in the belief that men, feeble creatures though they be, are capable of constructing lofty and substantial dwellings for themselves. All I can say is that I have never seen them in the act of erecting such buildings. There is no proof whatever that they have the power of preparing such dens for themselves. I believe for my own part that their dwellings are in fact hills, the work of nature, and that, seeing these hills to be full of caves, the more intelligent among them took up their abode in these convenient shelters.
The race of Men is what is called amphivorous, that is, they eat meat, and also fruits and roots. They cannot eat large trees, but they ​consume small plants, roots and all. They are so fond of small plants that they grow them in enclosed places, which they call 'fields' or 'gardens'. One man is not allowed to graze in another man's enclosure.
That they eat fruits, roots, creepers, shrubs, is now an established fact, but I am not able to assert with any certainty that they eat grass. I have never seen any man eat grass. But on this subject I have some doubt. White men and the richer black men carefully prepare plots of grass known as 'lawns.' It is probable that the grass in them is intended for food. Indeed I once overheard a black man say, "The country is going to the dogs;—all Sahebs and other big men are idly eating grass." It may therefore be assumed with some approach to certainty that the upper classes of men do eat grass.
When men lose their temper, they ask, 'Do you think I eat grass!' Now it is one of the ​peculiarities of the whole tribe to conceal the profession by which they earn their living. It is permissible to infer that those who are indignant at a suspicion of eating grass are in fact graminivorous.
Men worship animals. I have already told you of the extraordinary devotion of which I was the unworthy object. They also worship horses. They provide them with dwellings, give them food daily, and attend carefully to their toilettes. No doubt such observances are an ingenuous recognition of the superiority of horses.
On the other hand, men feed goats, sheep and cattle. I have myself observed one extraordinary fact with reference to their behaviour to cows. They drink their milk! Our older scientists accepted this as a proof that they must once have been calves. I would not go so far as this, but the fact that they consume cow's milk may perhaps account for the bovine character of their intellects. Be that as it may, men feed and keep goats, sheep and cattle for greater ​convenience in procuring flesh food. This is an excellent device. I look forward to the time when we shall see the convenience of erecting mensheds, and keeping and breeding these useful animals for food.
I have already told you of their care for cattle, horses, sheep and goats. But they also keep and feed elephants, camels, asses, dogs, cats, and even birds. It may therefore be said with truth that men are the natural slaves and servants of all other living creatures.
I noticed many monkeys among the abodes of men. These monkeys are of two sorts: those with tails and those without tails. The former dwell for the most part on roofs or in trees. I have seen many on the ground, it is true; but most of them occupy the more exalted position. This is probably due to some mistaken notion of racial pride.
The morals of men are extremely amusing. But their political arrangements are also very surprising. I will describe them in detail."
The lecturer had reached this point, when ​the respected president happened to see a fawn in the distance, and leaving the chair with a bound, started in pursuit. (I ought to explain that he had been chosen to preside precisely on account of his sharpness of vision.) The lecturer was somewhat annoyed at this proof of the president's want of interest in his exposition. Observing this, one of the most intelligent of the audience remarked:—
"Pray, sir, do not be offended by the sudden departure of our respected president. He has left us on pressing 'business'. A herd of deer approaches. I can smell them!"
On hearing these words, the audience, with tails high in air, rapidly dispersed 'on business', and the learned lecturer followed their example. Thus was it that the Congress came to an untimely end, for that day. When they next met, it was after taking the precaution of partaking of a copious meal. On that occasion, the remainder of the lecture was delivered without impediment. But perhaps a full and accurate ​report of the subsequent proceedings had better be reserved for another chapter.
* ↑ I have substituted Greek names for the Sanskrit polysyllables in the original, which mean Doctor Long-tailed Tiger.—[Translator's note].
* ↑ Amitodar or "Boundless-bellied" in the original.
* ↑ Brihallangul or "Long-tailed" in the original.
* ↑ Mahadamstra or "With-big-teeth" in the original.
* ↑ Udar-puja or "Belly-worship" in the original.
* ↑ A Company was formed to establish a new port for Calcutta on the Matla river, which is more easily navigable than the Hooghly. The Company was unsuccessful, and the shareholders lost much money.
* ↑ A common term of abuse.
* ↑ Which in Bengali parlance means that they are behaving like asses, not attending to the real needs of the country.
* ↑ i.e. Am I a donkey?