# Reflections upon Ireland (Petty 1660)/5

​Whereas indeed and in truth, the business was a private design of a very few persons, viz. of some to asperse the Lord Lieutenant as a Countenancer of most monstrous male-administrations in his respects to me, and to be revenged of him, because he did not cocker those Diotrephesses in all their wanton Lusts, and because he took warning by other Mens mischiefs, not to be betrayed by Sir ​Hierome Crocodiles menial tears.
2ly, 'Twas to remove me wholly out of the Land; as standing Sentinel at the Crosswayes and Avenues, by which all the several Confederates must pass to their good things, but could not without beiug too strictly examined. Forasmuch as my being Secretary to the Lord Lieutenant Clerk of the Councell, and the most doing Commissioner about the dispose of Lands, was a very great hinderance to many precious men, though not as to any business they durst propound or appear in, but as to the very muking of Propositions or suggestions, cunningly framed to wind in their own Ends. These having to meet in their way with one, who feared no Synagogue-Censures, was not to be mollified with warm Entertainments, not to be cajo'ed with Complements; Not dazzled with tinsell Arguments; nor easily to be wrought out of favour with Whispers, and with subtle Insinuations of all manner of fauls, which faults the Trepanners and Woodcock-catchers would never make more evident then by saying such and such perswasions were upon the Spirits of such and such, and that such and such ​were offended, &c. all which did such & such no good, till such and such pulled down the whole frame on their heads, wherein I was but a pin, not having to this day cleared their own shoulders, Legs and Arms from the heavy Beams, Rafters, and Rubbish which is thereby fallen upon them.
3ly. The accusing and so disabling of me for publique administrations, was a design of the Sectarian party, because I affectionately promoted the Lord Lieutenants interest as my own particular friend, and not as their Enemy, and as a good man, and a lover of good men of all judgments, and not as being averse to be ridden and engrossed by any one party. This mistake of theirs arising from that his Lordship at the beginning of his Government, was by the indiscretion, ambition, and revenge of some Phaetons who rode with him in his Chariot, perswaded into a too hasty levelling of that peoples Domination, with that of other Mens. I say, my being so careful for the said Lords personal Concernment, made them think I was an Engine in all that hapned amiss to them, and the Instrument hid in a ​Handkercher which did draw out their Teeth, whereas I was (as I profest my self to be) unconcerned in all the unnecessary and sinister wrangles and jangles of the Churches. Nor had that party any reason to think otherwise,for to them I had always been as equally civil and serviceable (as well in my publique as private capacity) as unto any others: Nor had I meddled (as I verily believe) with any of the said Lords affairs at all, had not some of them too rashly and undeservedly charged me with acting against them, as out of their great jealousie they did, thinking me like the generality of Religion-Traders Vid.Expl. so narrow as to have no other way of thriving, then by driving off factions, which by my constant Practices and Protestations they might have seen I contemned; I say, whether the Sectarian Interest thought I had or would injure them, or at least stood in the way of their good, &c. I know not, but it is evident for the following Reasons, that they (God forgive them) have contributed much to my troubles.
For 1. Sir Hierome Sankey is an Anabaptist. I. M. who hath so often ​endeavoured to supplant me in my Employments; and the intimate Confederate of the Grand Libellers was the same. Major Ormsby, my most bitter and implacable Foe, was also of that profession. Col. Lawrence, whom in Conscience and sincerity, I opposed in a Suit of his for Lands, was the same. Sands and Winckworth mentioned & conjured up by Sir Hierom in the Parliament, all the same. Lewis Smith, that busie Bee, or rather Waspe, of a Surveyor was the same; M. Alden the Solicitor of the cause, the same. As for M. Worsly, I have known him so many things, and so apt to be any thing that will make him great; That I shall describe his Religion no further then by referring you to the Preface before his Folio Pamphlet, intituled in very big Letters, The Advocate. That frippery and Longlane of thredbare notions concerning Trade. I could name many others as Sectaries at large, which I omit, as not able to name their Sect in particular; onely Flower was no Anabaptist, because of his too loose Conversation for any Church at all; wherefore, they made him a hewer of Wood for the Work.
In confirmation of this truth, I ​further tell you, that Sir Charls Coot satisfied several Members of Parliament to the same effect, and therefore refused to meddle in the business, though woed by Sankey unto it, although whilst he was under mistakes, he could be as angry with me as another.
Lastly, For further proof hereof be pleased to note, that Sir John King, Col. Redman, and Captain Godfrey, and many others not of that party had with respect to their bad satisfactions much more reason to complain then any of these, had not their Honour, Reason, and Moderation convinced them that their suffering was their own misfortunes not my miscarriage. The last of which three persons had the saddest satisfaction, and the most unworthy his merits imaginable, besides his other mishaps, being left in the lurch by his own dear Colonel, Sir Hierome, who took Lismalin-park, for being the said Capt. Godfreys and others Agent, to do nothing but for himselfe.
But by the way, Sir, I would not have you think that I conceive these Gentlemens (I mean those called Anabaptists,) their Opinions concerning Baptisme or ​other Speculations, (viz. Their preferring dipping before sprinkling, as to the Outward Sign, or years of discretion before infancy, as to the time of administring that Ordinance) to be the cause of this their distasting me, no more then I believe, That 'tis some secret contrariety in the nature of Wool and Leather, which makes the Clothiers and Weavers, Tuckers and Taylors, in a Town I know, so spightful against the Tanners, Curriers, Shooemakers, and Glovers of the same, and that the one are against the other in all matches for Foot-ball, Wrestling, Quaits, Nine-pins, &c. But rather there being the Seeds of discord and contention sown in the very nature of Man since his fall, I think that their own depraved nature (such as is in all other men) was the cause of what they did. These several Opinions and Professions in Religion, being no other then the Marks and Ensigns of the disagreeing parties, rather then the true causes of their disagreement, even as the above-mentioned several materials of Workman-ship were. Or as speaking different Languages, bearing several names, living on several sides ​of the same River or Mountain is. Or lastly, as the wearing Ribbon of several Colours, usually hath been; for Jewes, Christians, and Mahumetans, notwithstanding their vast difference, do not make so much noise and squabble as the subdivided Sectaries do, their animosities being so much the greater, by how much their differences are smaller: Upon which grounds, some (with too much truth, as well as too much looseness) have pronounced that gathering of Churches may be termed lifting of Souldiers.
I say moreover as a further excuse for my misguided Prosecutors, the Anabaptists, That 'twas not as Anabaptists that they have so often in this kind troubled the State, themselves, their Neighbours, and Me: But as Separatists from another form, in more visible repute and vogue, in which sense I conceive that even Cathedrall Protestants were heretofore as much, and no otherwise troublesome to the preflourishing Papists, and so will the Quaker be to the Anabaptists themselves. Besides, whoever departs from a commonly received Religion otherwise then out of Sequacity, and for Ends, must be of a ​jealous, discontentted, and withall of a busie inquisitive temper, the which will carry him to question and scruple every other thing as well as the Creed of his Country: Which habit of rumaging and unravelling, being but in a few Confederate, and often meeting persons, will find work enough for ten times as many in number of such, who lazily believe as the Church believes, never prying into the Prerogatives, nor scanning the Commands, either of their Civil or Ecclesiastical Magistrates. Conform to this my Opinion, I have known the busie bolting out of new innocent Dogma's in Philosophy, discountenanced by authority, least the same Itch should grow to a scab in the Religion and policy of the place.
Now, to apply the whole, I say, that the Melancholy, jealous, discontented and active Spirits, common to all Sectaries, hath been the reason why those in Ireland, do as well find fault with the administration of the Survey, as the Sacraments; and with the distributing of Land, as well as dividing the Word, carrying them as fiercely to pull down Dr. Petty as the Protector or the Priests.
​Sir, this kind of Reasoning lightens my Calamity, and keeps me (as you see) as much from railing and ranting, whilst I discourse of my own Enemies and wrongs, as I should be, when I but enquire into the causes of Thunder and Lightning, or of diseases in the Body.
Thirdly, some who would not be wanting to themselves (as they commonly term it) when they saw their unreasonable demands crost at the Councell (and that the suggestions wherewith they armed or rather abused their friends, Members of the same, were blown away into vapour) became angry, and beginning passionately to cry out, Nolumus hunc Regnare, took the same course that the wicked Husbandmen did, who when they had beaten their Landlords servants, thought fit to kill his Son too, that the Inheritance might be theirs, imagining that if any could convict me of some notorious misdemeanours or male-administrations, that then they should each of them presently ascend to that reputation and employment wherein they had observed me.
Now to enable themselves for the business; They first framed Chancery Bills of ​most imaginary Crimes, that I, to refute them, might be forced to deliver them the Keyes of the whole Science which I had singularly studied, and not to fail of their Ends (knowing how much I scorned to shun the light) they fell a craving of my private Schemes, Draughts, Memorandums, &c, and got Orders from the Parliament to rumage all Offices in Order to their design. Moreover, Sir Hierome did most valiantly move the same day, that his famous Sagacity was baffled in the House of Parliament, to have all the old Papers, whereupon the Surveyors were wont to try their Pens delivered into his custody, ignorantly & impudently affirming, That by the Papers, which then were, or might have been long before under Tarts, the Souldiers held their Land, as their onely evidence. Now the House to be rid of him, after they had tryed (by interrupting and down-right jeering him) to stop his mouth, did grant an Order, viz: That the Papers he spoke of (himselfe not knowing what he meant) should be disposed of by the Lord Lieutenant and Council of Ireland according to Law: The which put the Knight to a very hasty ​Execution of the said New-nothing Order: He fore-knowing, that both the said Lord Lieut. and Council, as also the Law, were to be suddenly thrown down: The doing whereof he diligently plyed, never appearing more in the House, but cooperating with them thence-forward, who the next day put a period to the whole Government. In the mean time, Sir Hierome did not only strut himself, with this Cocks Feather in his Cap, But his man also, alias, his Squire Sancho, (as 'tis thought by Don Hieronimo's own Order) did publish the same of this Knights Achievements; For when any man asked him what newes, (expecting in answer an accompt of the most notable Revolutions then in motion;) He onely answered; My Master has the Papers, as if the abovementioned insignificant Order, not for, but concerning the said Papers, had been like the delivery of Hull or Portsmouth. In brief, so famous were the transactions concerning these Papers, that an exact delineation of the whole in Ginger-bread, is fit to be made, as memorials to Sir Hieroms children of their Fathers wisdom.
​Sir, I beg your pardon for thus mingling, this Satyrical excursion, with that serious Narration which I onely intended at this time; But I will forbear now, for you shall have enough of this hereafter, when by the Quadrant of my future usage, I shall have measured the latitude I am to take in that way.
Wherefore not further to digress, nor to accumulate more Arguments, I take for proved, that the end of some was to wrench the power of distributing the Land out of my hands, and to transfer it into their own; Onely adding, that I wish they had done it some years before, and wonder why they should pull out that tooth with so much cruelty, whose aking a drop of water could have eased, but perhaps they thought I would hold it as fast, as they desired it earnestly, measuring me by themselves, who knew a better way to improve that power then ever I had thought of.
Another cause of my incumbent vexation is, Sir Hierom Sanky's Ambition and desire to raise himself, though by the ruine of me; which ambition of his is also of that nature, that I charitably ​believe, if he could have made himself more considerable in defending, then in impugning me, he would have starcht as stiffe Arguments in the Parliament to that purpose, as he inhumanely did the 24th of March to the contrary. 'Tis true, he pretends publick service; But who joyned with him? who gave him Commission? who seconded him? but such in whom he begat ugly and false apprehensions concerning me, in relation to their own concernments.
The seven pretending Authority from the Army to inspect me, forswore their knowledge of his assaults. He sayes he did the exploit in order to do justice; But is he just, that by false suggestions can sue to reject a satisfaction by Lot, and to elect another in lieu of it? Who can in September give God-like acclamations to Richard Lord Protector and his Government; and yet in April following pull both down? Who can in May cry God and the Parliament mercy for interrupting them; and in September following, be the first that framed a Petition, which occasioned their second disturbance?
I mention these things, because they ​are either already publiquely known, or proveable upon the place, Otherwise I could have inserted his unhandsome dealing with his poor Souldiers about Lismalin Parke, his trinckling with the Surveyors in Tipperary and Meath, and the Articles which he answered by denying those of his Faith. I say, I omit these things, because I intend to handle them & him in the more suitable stile of my intended Satir; Besides, it could not be just, nor so much as Christian, to complain to the whole Church (much less to rail in a Parliament) against a Brother, with whom he had not first dealt more privately, and pretend monstrous matters at a time when (though they might be very monstrous and many indeed) he knew nothing of them;
No, as I said before, 'twas his bare ambition; hee would be The man that should punish the great Malefactor, The Butcher that should bring the mad Bull to the Ring, The St George that must kill the Dragon. His being then lately Knighted, crackt his brittle brain, and inspired him with fury to fight with any thing, for the sake of his dear Dulcinia, ​Vain-glory. His heautontoreumenous mighty Magnanimity was not satisfied with picking up Petitions in the Castle-yard at Dublin, and preferring them to the Secretaries men. No, he would over into Ireland to fetch Papers against Petty, and Vid. Expl.(like the * Eunuch) read them in the Parliament, before hee understood them. Hee was not satisfied with whispering nothing in some bodies ear, as hee used to do when my Lord Deputy rode a hunting, but hee would go bawle in a Parliament: Hee would not be confined to shew his admirable Obstreperosity in a Committee only, but his lungs and winde too in the great Assembly at Westminster. Ambition was the work and error of this Errant Knight, and contempt must be his wages; hee that would be so immeritoriously famous, must be made so by being rendred ridiculous; nam in quo quis peccat, in eodem punietur.
Now, to shew that 'tis no new thing for Sir Hierome to seed his ambitious humour, by attempting great difficulties, or rather by fancying and creating such in his imagination, throwing down the Castles of Cards which himself sets up, I ​shall for your diversion insert a most true story, whereof there are many witnesses, and such who have often refreshed their memories concerning the matter, by the Entertainments they have made to their friends with it.
One Mr. Wadman, being in a fit of melancholy, reflecting upon the death of his wife, was visited by Sir Hierome; who taking notice of some odd expressions, did by and by fancy that the said Wadman was possess'd; that is, (to speak in the language of Sir Hieromes Order) enchanted. Hereupon Sir Hierome (as a Knight that discovered an excellent adventure) would needs undertake to cast out the Divel; which, when hee was doing, at the end of every period in the course of his Conjurations, hee would ask Mr Wadman how hee did? who alwaies answered with a sigh, All one: Inasmuch as at length, Sir Hierome being weary of his vain Exorcismes, was fain to say, that Wadmans Divel was of that sort which required Fasting as well as Prayer to expel it: whereupon, the Spectators observing how plentifully Sir Hierome had eaten and tipled that evening, did easily ​conceive the cause, why the Divel did not stir. Soon after, Sir Hierome the Exorcist came again, more duely prepared by fasting, &c. having eaten but three eggs and a proportion of cawdle, rather to clear his pipes then otherwise; but then hee found the Divel departed: Mr. Wadman having been let blood in the mean time.
'Tis believed, that Sir Hierome ventured upon this imaginary Divel, upon the successe, I have often heard him say, hee had against the walking Spirit named, Tuggin, between whom and himself, there were great bickerings, when Sir Hierome was Curate and read the Common Prayer.
Another reason why I must be prosecuted is, to vindicate Sir Hierome, and to shew at least that there was probabilis causa litigandi; the which, although there had been, yet hee (poor Spunge!) knew it not; nor ought any such causa litigandi to be made use of, as causa rixandi, debacchandi, vociferandi, &c. All which extravagancies the Knights own blind zeal or the muffled designes of others lead him into. I say when this Cat Sir Hierome, had burnt his paw, by reaching the Apes Chestnuts out of the hot Embers, ​Worsly out of pity resumes his primitive trade to plaister him, wherein also others joyn, that they might by some means or other fave themselves from being publickly laught at, and to perswade the world that they could not be outwitted by Doctor Petty: the latter of which, they indeed needed not to have troubled themselves withall, Doctor Petty having been alwaies forward to do them right, as to the point of their wits; though as for the latter, viz. being laughed at, hee knows not how to help them, unless the Judicatory they intend to set up be grossly partial; which if it be, then indeed they may escape being laughed at for the present, but in lieu of it, be censured as Calumniators by all indifferent Spectators, and yet be laughed at too, into the bargain hereafter, viz. at the next more impartial hearing of the business.
Time was, that Sir Jerome was so vain as to speak seriously of erecting my Statue; 'tis therefore but just I should hereafter draw his picture: In order whereunto what is occasionally said here and there in this discourse of him, is but priming the Cloth and grinding the colours for that purpose.
* ↑ "Nolumus hunc Regnare super nos": We don't want this man to be our king (Luke 19:14)
* ↑ "Probabilis cause litigandi": substantial grounds for participating in a trial (Wikisource ed.).