# Vice Versa/Chapter 11

'There was a letter indeed to be intercepted by a man's father to do him good with him!'—Every Man in his Humour.
'I cannot lose the thought yet of this letter,  Sent to my son; nor leave t' admire the change  Of manners, and the breeding of our youth  Within the kingdom, since myself was one.' Ibid.
Sunday came—a day which was to begin a new week for Mr. Bultitude, and, of course, for the rest of the Christian world as well. Whether that week would be better or worse than the one which had just passed away he naturally could not tell—it could hardly be much worse.
But the Sunday itself, he anticipated, without, however, any very firm grounds for such an assumption, would be a day of brief but grateful respite; a day on which he might venture to claim much the same immunity as was enjoyed in former days by the insolvent; a day, in short, which would glide slowly by with the rather drowsy solemnity peculiar to the British sabbath as observed by all truly respectable persons.
And yet that very Sunday, could he have foreseen it, was destined to be the most eventful day he had yet spent at Crichton House, where none had proved wanting in incident. During the next twelve hours he was to pass through every variety of unpleasant sensation. Embarrassment, suspense, fear, anxiety, dismay, and terror were to follow each other in rapid succession, and to wind up, strangely enough, with a delicious ecstasy of pure relief and happiness—a fatiguing programme for any middle-aged gentleman who had never cultivated his emotional faculties.
Let me try to tell how this came about. The getting-up bell rang an hour later than on week-days, but the boys were expected to prepare certain tasks suitable for the day before they rose. Mr. Bultitude found that he was required to learn by heart a hymn in which the rhymes 'join' and 'divine,' 'throne' and 'crown,' were so happily wedded that either might conform to the other—a graceful concession to individual taste which is not infrequent in this class of poetry. Trivial as such a task may seem in these days of School Boards, it gave him infinite trouble and mental exertion, for he had not been called upon to commit anything of the kind to memory for many years, and after mastering that, there still remained a long chronological list (the dates approximately computed) of the leading events before and immediately after the Deluge, which was to be repeated 'without looking at the book.'
While he was wrestling desperately with these, for he was determined, as I have said before, to do all in his power to keep himself out of trouble, Mrs. Grimstone, in her morning wrapper, paid a visit to the dormitories and, in spite of all Paul's attempts to excuse himself, insisted upon pomatuming his hair—an indignity which he felt acutely.
'When she knows who I really am,' he thought, 'she'll be sorry she made such a point of it. If there's one thing upon earth I loathe more than another, it's marrow-oil pomade!'
Then there was breakfast, at which Dr. Grimstone appeared, resplendent in glossy broadcloth, and dazzling shirt-front and semi-clerical white tie, and after breakfast, an hour in the schoolroom, during which the boys (by the aid of repeated references to the text) wrote out 'from memory' the hymn they had learnt, while Paul managed somehow to stumble through his dates and events to the satisfaction of Mr. Tinkler, who, to increase his popularity, made a point of being as easily satisfied with such repetitions as he decently could.
After that came the order to prepare for church. There was a general rush to the little room with the shelves and bandboxes, where church books were procured, and great-coats and tight kid gloves put on.
When they were almost ready the Doctor came in, wearing his blandest and most paternal expression.
'A—it's a collection Sunday to-day, boys,' he said. 'Have you all got your threepenny-bits ready? I like to see my boys give cheerfully and liberally of their abundance. If any boy does not happen to have any small change, I can accommodate him if he comes to me.'
And this he proceeded to do from a store he had with him of that most convenient coin—the chosen expression of a congregation's gratitude—the common silver threepence, for the school occupied a prominent position in the church, and had acquired a great reputation amongst the churchwardens for the admirable uniformity with which one young gentleman after another 'put into the plate'; and this reputation the Doctor was naturally anxious that they should maintain.
I am sorry to say that Mr. Bultitude, fearing lest he should be asked if he had the required sum about him, and thus his penniless condition might be discovered and bring him trouble, got behind the door at the beginning of the money-changing transactions and remained there till it was over—it seemed to him that it would be too paltry to be disgraced for want of threepence.
Now, being thus completely furnished for their devotions, the school formed in couples in the hall and filed solemnly out for the march to church.
Mr. Bultitude walked nearly last with Jolland, whose facile nature had almost forgotten his friend's shortcomings on the previous day. He kept up a perpetual flow of chatter which, as he never stopped for an answer, permitted Paul to indulge his own thoughts unrestrained.
'Are you going to put your threepenny-bit in?' said Jolland; 'I won't if you don't. Sometimes, you know, when the plate comes round, old Grim squints down the pews to see we don't shirk. Then I put in sixpence. Have you done your hymn? I do hate a hymn. What's the use of learning hymns? They won't mark you for them, you know, in any exam. I ever heard of, and it can't save you the expense of a hymnbook unless you learnt all the hymns in it, and that would take you years. Oh, I say, look! there's young Mutlow and his governor and mater. I wonder what Mutlow's governor does? Mutlow says he's a "gentleman" if you ask him, but I believe he lies. See that fly driving past? Mother Grim' (the irreverent youth always spoke of Mrs. Grimstone in this way) 'and Dulcie are in it. I saw Dulcie look at you, Dick. It's a shame to treat her as you did yesterday. There's young Tom on the box; don't his ears stick out rummily? I wonder if the 'ugly family' will be at church to-day? You know the ugly family; all with their mouths open and their eyes goggling, like a jolly old row of pantomime heads. And oh, Dick, suppose Connie Davenant's people have changed their pew—that'll be a sell for you rather, won't it?'
'I don't understand you,' said Mr. Bultitude stiffly; 'and, if you don't object, I prefer not to be called upon to talk just now.'
'Oh, all right!' said Jolland, 'there aren't so many fellows who will talk to you; but just as you please—I don't want to talk.'
And so the pair walked on in silence; Jolland with his nose in the air, determined that after this he really must cut his former friend as the other fellows had done, since his devotion was appreciated so little, and Paul watching the ascending double line of tall chimney-pot hats as they surged before him in regular movement, and feeling a dull wonder at finding himself setting out to church in such ill-assorted company.
They entered the church, and Paul was sent down to the extreme end of a pew next to the one reserved for the Doctor and his family. Dulcie was sitting there already on the other side of the partition; but she gave no sign of having noticed his arrival, being apparently absorbed in studying the rose-window over the altar.
He sat down in his corner with a sense of rest and almost comfort, though the seat was not a cushioned one. He had the inoffensive Kiffin for a neighbour, his chief tormentors were far away from him in one of the back pews, and here at least he thought no harm could come to him. He could allow himself safely to do what I am afraid he generally did do under the circumstances—snatch a few intermittent but sweet periods of dreamless slumber.
But, while the service was proceeding, Mr. Bultitude was suddenly horrified to observe that a young lady, who occupied a pew at right angles to and touching that in which he sat, was deliberately making furtive signals to him in a most unmistakable manner.
She was a decidedly pretty girl of about fifteen, with merry and daring blue eyes and curling golden hair, and was accompanied by two small brothers (who shared the same book and dealt each other stealthy and vicious kicks throughout the service), and by her father, a stout, short-sighted old gentleman in gold spectacles, who was perpetually making the wrong responses in a loud and confident tone.
To be signalled to in a marked manner by a strange young lady of great personal attractions might be a coveted distinction to other schoolboys, but it simply gave Mr. Bultitude cold thrills.
'I suppose that's "Connie Davenant,"' he thought, shocked beyond measure as she caught his eye and coughed demurely for about the fourth time. 'A very forward young person! I think somebody ought to speak seriously to her father.'
'Good gracious! she's writing something on the flyleaf of her prayer-book,' he said to himself presently. 'I hope she's not going to send it to me. I won't take it. She ought to be ashamed of herself!'
Miss Davenant was indeed busily engaged in pencilling something on a blank sheet of paper; and, having finished, she folded it deftly into a cocked-hat, wrote a few words on the outside, and placed it between the leaves of her book.
Then, as the congregation rose for the Psalms, she gave a meaning glance at the blushing and scandalised Mr. Bultitude and by dexterous management of her prayer-book shot the little cocked-hat, as if unconsciously, into the next pew.
By a very unfortunate miscalculation, however, the note missed its proper object, and, clearing the partition, fluttered deliberately down on the floor by Dulcie's feet.
Paul saw this with alarm; he knew that at all hazards he must get that miserable note into his own possession and destroy it. It might have his name somewhere about it; it might seriously compromise him.
So he took advantage of the noise the congregation made in repeating a verse aloud (it was not a high church) to whisper to Dulcie: 'Little Miss Grimstone, excuse me, but there's a—a note in the pew down by your feet. I believe it's intended for me.'
Dulcie had seen the whole affair and had been not a little puzzled by it, a clandestine correspondence being a new thing in her short experience; but she understood that in this golden-haired girl, her elder by several years, she saw her rival, for whom Dick had so basely abandoned her yesterday, and she was old enough to feel the slight and the sweetness of revenge.
So she held her head rather higher than usual, with her firm little chin projecting wilfully, and waited for the next verse but one before retorting, 'Little Master Bultitude, I know it is.'
'Could you—can you manage to reach it?' whispered Paul entreatingly.
'Yes,' said Dulcie, 'I could.'
'Then will you—when they sit down?'
'No,' said Dulcie firmly, 'I shan't.'
The other girl, she noticed with satisfaction, had become aware of the situation and was evidently uneasy. She looked as imploringly as she dared at remorseless little Dulcie, as if appealing to her not to get her into trouble; but Dulcie bent her eyes obstinately on her book and would not see her.
If the letter had been addressed to any other boy in the school, she would have done her best to shield the culprits; but this she could not bring herself to do here. She found a malicious pleasure in remaining absolutely neutral, which of course was very wrong and ill-natured of her.
Mr. Bultitude began now to be seriously alarmed. The fatal paper must be seen by some one in the Doctor's pew as soon as the congregation sat down again; and, if it reached the Doctor's hands, it was impossible to say what misconstruction he might put upon it or what terrible consequences might not follow.
He was innocent, perfectly innocent; but though the consciousness of innocence is frequently a great consolation, he felt that unless he could imbue the Doctor with it as well, it would not save him from a flogging.
So he made one more desperate attempt to soften Dulcie's resolution: 'Don't be a naughty little girl,' he said, very injudiciously for his purpose, 'I tell you I must have it. You'll get me into a terrible mess if you're not careful!'
But although Dulcie had been extremely well brought up, I regret to say that the only answer she chose to make to this appeal was that slight contortion of the features, which with a pretty girl is euphemised as a 'moue,' and with a plain one is called 'making a face.' When he saw it he knew that all hope of changing her purpose must be abandoned.
Then they all sat down, and, as Paul had foreseen, there the white cocked-hat lay on the dark pew-carpet, hideously distinct, with billet doux in every fold of it!
It could only be a question of time now. The curate was reading the first lesson for the day, but Mr. Bultitude heard not a verse of it. He was waiting with bated breath for the blow to fall.
It fell at last. Dulcie, either with the malevolent idea of hastening the crisis, or (which I prefer to believe for my own part) finding that her ex-lover's visible torments were too much for her desire of vengeance, was softly moving a heavy hassock towards the guilty note. The movement caught her mother's eye, and in an instant the compromising paper was in her watchful hands.
She read it with incredulous horror, and handed it at once to the Doctor.
The golden-haired one saw it all without betraying herself by any outward confusion. She had probably had some experience in such matters, and felt tolerably certain of being able, at the worst, to manage the old gentleman in the gold spectacles. But she took an early opportunity of secretly conveying her contempt for the traitress Dulcie, who continued to meet her angry glances with the blandest unconsciousness.
Dr. Grimstone examined the cocked-hat through his double eyeglasses, with a heavy thunder-cloud gathering on his brows. When he had mastered it thoroughly, he bent forward and glared indignantly past his wife and daughter for at least half a minute into the pew where Mr. Bultitude was cowering, until he felt that he was coming all to pieces under the piercing gaze.
The service passed all too quickly after that. Paul sat down and stood up almost unconsciously with the rest; but for the first time in his life he could have wished the sermon many times longer.
The horror of his position quite petrified him. After all his prudent resolutions to keep out of mischief and to win the regard and confidence of his gaoler by his good conduct, like the innocent convict in a melodrama, this came as nothing less than a catastrophe. He walked home in a truly dismal state of limp terror.
Fortunately for him none of the others seemed to have noticed his misfortune, and Jolland made no further advances. But even the weather tended to increase his depression, for it was a bleak, cheerless day, with a bitter and searching wind sweeping the gritty roads where yesterday's rain was turned to black ice in the ruts, and the sun shone with a dull coppery glitter that had no warmth or geniality about it.
The nearer they came to Crichton House the more abjectly miserable became Mr. Bultitude's state of mind. It was as much as he could do to crawl up the steps to the front door, and his knees positively clapped together when the Doctor, who had driven home, met them in the hall and said in a still grave voice, 'Bultitude, when you have taken off your coat, I want you in the study.'
He was as long about taking off his coat as he dared, but at last he went trembling into the study, which he found empty. He remembered the room well, with its ebony-framed etchings on the walls, bookcases and blue china over the draped mantelpiece, even to a large case of elaborately carved Indian chessmen in bullock-carts and palanquins, on horses and elephants, which stood in the window-recess. It was the very room to which he had been shown when he first called about sending his son to the school. He had little thought then that the time would come when he would attend there for the purpose of being flogged; few things would have seemed less probable. Yet here he was.
But his train of thought was abruptly broken by the entrance of the Doctor. He marched solemnly in, holding out the offending missive. 'Look here, sir!' he said, shaking it angrily before Paul's eyes. 'Look here! what do you mean by receiving a flippant communication like this in a sacred edifice? What do you mean by it?'
'I—I didn't receive it,' said Paul, at his wits' end.
'Don't prevaricate with me, sir; you know well enough it was intended for you. Have the goodness to read it now, and tell me what you have to say for yourself!'
Paul read it. It was a silly little school-girl note, half slang and half sentiment, signed only with the initials C.D. 'Well, sir?' said the Doctor.
'It's very forward and improper—very,' said Paul; 'but it's not my fault—I can't help it. I gave the girl no encouragement. I never saw her before in all my life!'
'To my own knowledge, Bultitude, she has sat in that pew regularly for a year.'
'Very probably,' said Paul, 'but I don't notice these matters. I'm past that sort of thing, my dear sir.'
'What is her name? Come, sir, you know that.'
'Connie Davenant,' said Paul, taken unawares by the suddenness of the question. 'At least, I—I heard so to-day.' He felt the imprudence of such an admission as soon as he had made it.
'Very odd that you know her name if you never noticed her before,' said the Doctor.
'That young fellow—what's-his-name—Jolland told me,' said Paul.
'Ah, but it's odder still that she knows yours, for I perceive it is directed to you by name.'
'It's easily explained, my dear sir,' said Paul; 'easily explained. I've no doubt she's heard it somewhere. At least, I never told her; it is not likely. I do assure you I'm as much distressed and shocked by this affair as you can be yourself. I am indeed. I don't know what girls are coming to nowadays.'
'Do you expect me to believe that you are perfectly innocent?' said the Doctor.
'Yes, I do,' said Mr. Bultitude. 'I can't prevent fast young ladies from sending me notes. Why, she might have sent you one!'
'We won't go into hypothetical cases,' said the Doctor, not relishing the war being carried into his own country; 'she happened to prefer you. But, although your virtuous indignation seems to me a trifle overdone, sir, I don't see my way clear to punishing you on the facts, especially as you tell me you never encouraged these—these overtures, and my Dulcie, I am bound to say, confirms your statement that it was all the other young lady's doing. But if I had had any proof that you had begun or responded to her—hem—advances, nothing could have saved you from a severe flogging at the very least—so be careful for the future.'
'Ah!' said Paul rather feebly, quite overwhelmed by the narrowness of his escape. Then with a desperate effort he found courage to add, 'May I—ah—take advantage of this—this restored cordiality to—to—in fact to make a brief personal explanation? It—it's what I've been trying to tell you for a long time, ever since I first came, only you never will hear me out. It's highly important. You've no notion how serious it is!'
'There's something about you this term, Richard Bultitude,' said the Doctor slowly, 'that I confess I don't understand. This obstinacy is unusual in a boy of your age, and if you really have a mystery it may be as well to have it out and have done with it. But I can't be annoyed with it now. Come to me after supper to-night, and I shall be willing to hear anything you may have to say.'
Paul was too overcome at this unexpected favour to speak his thanks. He got away as soon as he could. His path was smoothed at last!
That afternoon the boys, or all of them who had disposed of the work set them for the day, were sitting in the schoolroom, after a somewhat chilly dinner of cold beef, cold tarts, and cold water, passing the time with that description of literature known as 'Sunday reading.'
And here, at the risk of being guilty of a digression, I must pause to record my admiration for this exceedingly happy form of compromise, which is, I think, peculiar to the British and, to a certain extent, the American nations.
It has many developments; ranging from the mild Transatlantic compound of cookery and camp-meetings, to the semi-novel, redeemed and chastened by an arrangement which sandwiches a sermon or a biblical lecture between each chapter of the story—a great convenience for the race of skippers.
But the crown and triumph of successful trimming must surely be looked for in the illustrated Sabbath magazines, in many of which there is so dexterous a combination of this world and the next, that even a public analyst might find it difficult to resolve them.
Open any one of the monthly numbers, and the chances are that you may possibly find at one part a neat little doctrinal essay by a literary bishop; the rest of the contents will consist of nothing more serious than a paper upon 'cockroaches and their habits' by an eminent savant; a description of foreign travel, done in a brilliant and wholly secular vein; and, further on again, an article on æsthetic furniture—while the balance of the number will be devoted to instalments of two thrilling novels by popular authors, whose theology is seldom their strongest point.
Oddly enough, too, when these very novels come out later in three-volume form, with the 'mark of the beast' in the shape of a circulating library ticket upon them, they will be fortunate if they are not interdicted altogether by some of the serious families who take in the magazines as being 'so suitable for Sundays.'
It was the editor of one of these magazines, indeed, who is said, though I do not vouch for the truth of the story, to have implored the author who was running a novel through his columns, to shift the date on which he had made his lovers meet, from Sunday afternoon to 'Sunday after church time,' in deference to the susceptibilities of his subscribers.
Mr. Bultitude, at all events, had reason to be grateful for this toleration, for in one of the bound volumes supplied to him he found a most interesting and delightfully unsectarian novel, which appealed to his tastes as a business man, for it was all about commerce and making fortunes by blockade-running; and though he was no novel reader as a rule, his mind was so relieved and set at rest by the prospect of seeing the end of his trouble at last, that he was able to occupy his mind with the fortunes of the hero.
He naturally detected technical errors here and there. But that pleased him, and he was becoming so deeply absorbed in the tale that he felt seriously annoyed when Chawner came softly up to the desk at which he was sitting, and sat down close to him, crossing his arms before him, and leaning forward upon them with his sallow face towards Paul.
'Dickie,' he began, in a cautious, oily tone, 'did I hear the Doctor say before dinner that he would hear anything you have to tell him after supper? Did I?'
'I really can't say, sir,' said Paul; 'if you were near the keyhole at the time, very likely you did.'
'The door was open,' said Chawner, 'and I was in the cloak-room, so I heard, and I want to know. What is it you're going to tell the Doctor?'
'Mind your own business, sir,' said Paul sharply.
'It is my own business,' said Chawner; 'but I don't want to be told what you're going to tell him. I know.'
'Good heavens!' said Mr. Bultitude, annoyed to find his secret in possession of this boy of all others.
'Yes,' repeated Chawner. 'I know, and I tell you what—I won't have it!'
'Won't have it! and why?'
'Never mind why. Perhaps I don't choose that the Doctor shall be told just yet; perhaps I mean to go up and tell him myself some other day. I want to have a little more fun out of it before I've done.'
'But—but,' said Paul, 'you young ghoul, do you mean to say that all you care for is to see other people's sufferings?'
Chawner grinned maliciously. 'Yes,' he said suavely; 'it amuses me.'
'And so,' said Paul, 'you want to hold me back a little longer—because it's so funny; and then, when you're quite tired of your sport, you'll go up and tell the Doctor my—my unhappy story yourself, eh? No, my friend; I'd rather not tell him myself—but I'll be shot if I let you have a finger in it. I know my own interests better than that!'
'Don't get in a passion, Dickie,' said Chawner; 'it's Sunday. You'll have to let me go up instead of you—when I've frightened them a little more.'
'Who do you mean by them, sir?' said Paul, growing puzzled.
'As if you didn't know! Oh, you're too clever for me, Dickie, I can see,' sniggered Chawner.
'I tell you I don't know!' said Mr. Bultitude. 'Look here, Chawner—your confounded name is Chawner, isn't it?—there's a mistake somewhere, I'm sure of it. Listen to me. I'm not going to tell the Doctor what you think I am!'
'What do I think you are going to tell him?'
'I haven't the slightest idea; but, whatever it is, you're wrong.'
'Ah, you're too clever, Dickie; you won't betray yourself; but other people want to pay Coker and Tipping out as well as you, and I say you must wait.'
'I shan't say anything to affect anyone but myself,' said Paul; 'if you know all about it, you must know that—it won't interfere with your amusement that I can see.'
'Yes, it will,' said Chawner irritably, 'it will—you mayn't mean to tell of anyone but yourself; but directly Grimstone asks you questions, it all comes out. I know all about it. And, anyway, I forbid you to go up till I give you leave.'
'And who the dooce are you?' said Mr. Bultitude, nettled at this assumption of authority. 'How are you going to prevent me, may I ask?'
'S'sh! here's the Doctor,' whispered Chawner hurriedly. 'I'll tell you after tea. What am I doing out of my place, sir? Oh, I was only asking Bultitude what was the collect for to-day, sir. Fourth Sunday after the Epiphany? thank you, Bultitude.'
And he glided back to his seat, leaving Paul in a state of vague uneasiness. Why did this fellow, with the infernal sly face and glib tongue, want to prevent him from righting himself with the world, and how could he possibly prevent him? It was absurd; he would take no notice of the young scoundrel—he would defy him.
But he could not banish the uneasy feeling; the cup had slipped so many times before at the critical moment that he could not be sure whose hand would be the next to jog his elbow. And so he went down to tea with renewed misgivings.