# Familiar Colloquies/Charon

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CHARON.
Charon, Genius Alastor.
Ch. Whither are you going so brisk and in such haste, Alastor 1 Al. O Charon, you come in the nick of time, I was coming to you. Ch. Well, what news do you bring? Al. I bring a message to you and Proserpine that you will be glad to hear. Ch. Out with what you have brought, and lighten your burden. AL The Furies have been no less diligent than they have been successful in gaining their point : there is not a foot of ground upon earth that they have not infected with their hellish calamities, seditions, wars, robberies, and plagues ; so that they are grown quite bald, having shed their snakes, and having quite spit all their venom, they ramble about in search after whatever they can find of vipers and asps ; being become as smooth as an egg, not having so much as a single hair upon their heads, and not one drop of venom more in their breasts. Do you get your boat and your oars ready ; you will have such a vast multitude of ghosts come to you anon, that I am afraid you will not be able to carry them all over yourself. Ch. I could have told you that. Al. How came you to know itl Ch. Ossa brought me that news above two days ago. Al. Nothing is more swift than that goddess. But what makes you loitering here, having left your boat ? Ch. My business brought me hither; I came hither to provide myself with a good strong three-oared boat, for my boat is so rotten and leaky with age, that it will not carry such a burden, if Ossa told me true. But, indeed, what need was there of Ossa? for the thing shews itself, for I have suffered shipwreck already. Al. Indeed you are dropping dry, I fancied you were just come out of a bath. Ch. No, I swam out of the Stygian lake. Al. Where did you leave the ghosts? Ch. They are swimming among the frogs. Al. But what was it that Ossa told you ? Ch. That the three monarchs of the world were bent upon one another's destruction with a mortal hatred, and that there was no part of Christendom free from the rage of war ; for these three have drawn all the rest in to be engaged in the war with them. They are all so haughty, that not one of them will in the least submit to the other. Nor are the Danes, the Poles, the Scots, nor the Turks at quiet, but are preparing to make dreadful havoc. The plague rages everywhere, in Spain, Britain, Italy, and France ; and more than all, there is a new fire sprung out of the variety of opinions, which has so corrupted the minds of all men that there is no such thing as sincere friendship anywhere ; but brother is at enmity with brother, and husband and wife cannot agree. And it is to be hoped that this distraction will be a glorious destruction of man- kind, if these controversies, that are now managed by the tongue and the pen, come once to be decided by arms.
Al. All that fame has told you is very true ; for I myself, having been a constant companion of the Furies, have with these eyes seen more than all this, and that they never at any time have approved themselves more worthy of their name than now. Ch. But there is danger lest some good spirit should start up and of a sudden exhort ​them to peace. And men's minds are variable, for I have heard that among the living there is one Polygraphns who is continually, by his writing, inveighing against wars, and exhorting to peace. Al. Ay, ay, but he has a long time been talking to the deaf. He once wrote a sort of hue and cry after peace, that was banished or driven away ; and after that an epitaph upon peace defunct. But then, on the other hand, there are others that advance our cause no less than the Furies do themselves. Ch. Who are they ? Al. They are a certain sort of animals in black and white vest- ments, ash-coloured coats, and various other dresses, that are always hovering about the courts of princes, and are continually instilling into their ears the love of war, and exhorting the nobility and common people to it, haranguing them in their sermons, that it is a just, holy, and religious war. And that which would make you stand in admira- tion at the confidence of these men is the cry of both parties. In France they preach it up that God is on the French side, and they can never be overcome that have God for their protector. In England and Spain the cry is, The war is not the king's, but God's ; therefore, if they do but fight like men, they depend upon getting the victory, and if any one should chance to fall in the battle, he will not die, but fly directly up into heaven, arms and all. Ch. And is credit given to all this ? Al. What cannot a well dissembled religion do, when to this there is added youth, inexperiencedness, ambition, a natui'al animosity, and a mind propense to anything that offers itself. It is an easy matter to impose xipon such ; it is an easy matter to overthrow a waggon that was inclining to fall before. Ch. I would do these animals a good turn with all my heart. Al. Prepare a good treat, you can do nothing that will be more acceptable to them. Ch. What, of mallows, and lupines, and leeks, for you know we have no other provision in our territories. Al. N"o, but of partridges, and capons, and pheasants, if you would have them look upon you as a good caterer. Ch. But what is it that moves these people to be so hot for war] What will they get by it? AL Because they get more by those that die than those that live. There are last wills and testaments, funeral obsequies, bulls, and a great many other articles of no despicable profit ; and in the last place, they had rather live in a camp than in their cells. War breeds a great many bishops, who were not thought good for anything in a time of peace. Ch. Well, they understand their business. Al. But what occasion have you for a new boat? Ch. None at all, if I had a mind to be wrecked again on the Stygian lake. Al. How came that about 1 ? because you had too large a company? Ch. Yes. Al. But you carry shadows, not bodies. Ch. Let them be water spiders, yet there may be enough of them to overload a boat; and then you know my boat is but a shadowy boat neither. Al- But I remember once upon a time, when you had a great company, so many that yoiir boat would not hold them, I have seen three thousand hanging upon your stem, and you were not sensible of any weight at all. Ch. I confess there are such sorts of ghosts ; those are such as pass slowly out of the body, being reduced to little or nothing with con- sumptions and hectic fevers. But as for those that are torn of a sudden out of gross bodies, they bring a great deal of corpulent sub​312 FAMILIAR COLLOQUIES. stance along with them, such as are sent hither by apoplexies, qxiinseys, pestilences, and especially by war. A I. I don't think the French or Spaniards bring much weight along with them. Ch. Much less than the rest, but for all that their ghosts are not altogether so light as feathers neither. But as for the Englishmen and Germans that feed well, they come sometimes in such case that I was lately in danger of going to the bottom in carrying only ten, and unless I had thrown some of my lading overboard, I had been lost, boat, passengers, and boat-hire altogether. Al. You were in great danger then, indeed. Ch. But what do you think I must do when so many fat lords, hectors, and bullies shall come to us ] Al. As for those that die in a just war, I suppose none of them will come to you, for they say they fly bolt upright into heaven. Ch. I cannot tell where they fly to, but this I am sure of, as often as there is a war there come so many wounded and cripples to me that I wonder that there should be one soul left above ground, and they come over- charged, not only with surfeits and paunch bellies, but with bulls, benefices, and a great many other things. Al. But they don't bring these things along with them, but come naked to you. Ch. True, but at their first coming they bring the dreams of all these things along with them. Al. Are dreams so heavy then 1 Ch. They load my boat load it, did I say 1 nay, they have sunk it before now. And, in the last place, do you think so many halfpence do not weigh anything] Al. Yes, I believe they do, if they bring brass ones. Ch. Therefore I am resolved to look out for a vessel that shall be fit for my cargo. Al. You are a happy fellow. Ch. Wherein? Al. Because you will get an estate in a trice. Ch. What, out of a multitude of ghosts? Al. Yes, indeed. Ch. Ay, if they did but bring their wealth along with them. But now they sit in my boat bewailing themselves for the kingdoms, and dignities, and abbacies, and the innumerable talents of gold they have left behind them, and bring me nothing but a poor halfpenny. So that all I have been scraping together for these three thousand years will go for the purchase of a new boat. AL They that expect gain must be at some charge. Ch. But the people in the world have better trading, I hear; for if fortune favour them, they can get an estate in three years' time. Al. Ay, and sometimes turn bankrupts too; though your gain is less it is more certain. Ch. I cannot tell how certain it is ; if any deity should start up and make peace among the princes, all this goodly expectation of mine is knocked on the head at once. Al. As to that matter, I will take upon me to be your security, so that you may set your heart at rest. You have no reason to fear a peace for these ten years ; the pope is the only man that persuades them to come to an agreement among themselves, but he had as good keep his breath to cool his porridge. The cities mur- mur at the load of calamities they lie under, and some there are, I cannot tell who, that whisper it about, that it is an unreasonable thing that the whole world should be turned upside down for the private piques and ambition of two or three persons. But for all this, take my word for it, let these attempts be as promising as they will. But what occasion had you to come into this world to get a boat ; have we not workmen enough among ourselves? We have Vulcan, have we not 1 ? Ch. Ay, right, if I wanted a boat of brass, Al. Or ​you may send for a workman for a small matter. Ch. I might do that, but I want materials. Al. What say you, are there no woods in this country I Ch. All the woods in the Elysian fields are destroyed. AL In doing what? Ch. In burning heretics' ghosts, so that of late for fuel we have been forced to dig for coals in the bowels of the earth. Al. What, could not ghosts be punished at a less charge than that? Ch. Rhadamanthus, the judge, would have it so. Al. If it be so, when you have got a boat where will you get oars? Ch. It is my busi- ness to steer, let the ghosts row themselves, if they have a mind to get over. A L But some of them, never learned to row. Ch. I have no respect for persons kings and cardinals row with me ; every one takes his turn as much as the poorest peasant, whether they have learned to row or not. AL Well, do you see and get a boat as cheap as you can; I will not detain you any longer, I will away to hell with my good news. But, soho, soho, Charon. Ch. What is the matter ? Al. Make haste, and get back as soon as you can, lest you be smothered in the crowd. Nay, you will find at least two hundred thousand upon the bank already, besides those that are paddling in the lake. Ch. I will make what haste I can, and do you tell them I shall be there presently.