# Sex and the Love-Life/Chapter 2

CHAPTER II
DEVELOPMENT OF THE LOVE-LIFE
Stages of Sexual Development. The love-life is a most complex phase of our being, physically and mentally, and its influence and ramifications affect, for good or ill, the entire personality. If one has successfully passed through the sequence of stages of sexual development, and upon maturity finds the harmonious adjustment that can only be obtained normally by a felicitous mating, the individual then possesses an invaluable asset to health and happiness.
The gulf that separates the individual so fortunately situated, from those who experience a wide variety of maladjustments of personality and far-reaching neurotic disorders, is often due entirely to the warping, or frustration, of the sexual nature.
​In its proper place, we shall consider the successive stages of the love-life, which are important milestones in the development of the individual from infancy to adulthood.
Let us dwell for the moment upon the social, ethical, and esthetic significance of sex and love. On this point, Maudsley, the English psychiatrist, has expressed himself in the following words: "If man were robbed of sexual desire and everything mentally connected with and emanating from the same, almost every vestige of poetry and perhaps all moral sentiment would be torn from his life."
Numerous thinkers, philosophers and observers from time immemorial have reminded us of the measureless influence of our sexual life in non-sexual channels.
Notwithstanding all the authentic testimony of the far-reaching importance of this great biological impulse—which, upon reflection, is self-evident—it has been the accepted policy not to talk about it openly, frankly and honestly. Nevertheless, it has been a never-failing theme of subterranean talk, the inevitable topic in the whispered gossip of the backstairs, and the subject of vulgar witticism and pruriency.
It is true that love in an abstract sense has been exalted literally, sentimentally and romantically as the transcendent, elevating force of humanity.
But what is love, even in its most sublime form, but the supreme refinement of the sexual impulse? And how are we to understand love, and to develop and enrich the background from which it springs, unless we comprehend the vital force behind it?
In asserting that love is the supreme refinement of the sexual impulse, I do not mean that it has been, or should be, refined out of all its vital and inherently human qualities. That process is as spurious as the refinement of a denatured ​food product from which all the vital, life-sustaining elements have been removed, leaving nothing but a superficially pleasing residue which at best starves the body, at worst poisons it.
Love, the transcendent, elevating force of humanity, is reflected in its individual expression, in a harmonious development of the socialized impulses, and those individual qualities which typify mental and spiritual growth.
Altruism and Self-Sacrifice. The law of self-preservation is said to be the first law of nature. From the standpoint of the individual, as such, it unquestionably is-but man is a social being and the strength of his social fibre tends to neutralize his purely individualistic, or egoistic, impulses. As a result, "the first law of nature" is every day subordinated to the altruistic impulse of self-sacrifice for others.
Men sacrifice their lives for the women they love; and women for the men they love. The sacrificial ardor of mother-love for the child is too well known to require elaboration. The love impulse extends far and wide and embraces every human relationship where a strong attachment is present.
Of course, a manifestation of this same impulse asserts itself in the animal world as well. While that leads into other and diverging channels which the limitations of space will not permit us to follow, it will be pertinent in this connection to repeat the significant thought expressed in Shelley's beautiful line: "Nothing in the world is single."
This mighty, universal impulse which does so much to make life worth while is indeed a complex thing. Considering how universally throughout nature is the sacrificial aspect of the love instinct, largely automatic in its expression, it would seem to be a biological process, of which sex in its broadest interpretation is the motivating factor.
​The complexity of the problem has been mentioned. In the human relationship, the love-life has its manifestations that extend outside of the borderline of apparent sexual motivation—although it is undoubtedly a sublimated variation of the primal motive. In other words, the basic instincts which dominate the sexual sphere also contribute to the characteristic form of the sublimated variation, which is a product of the individual's personal life-history. For instance, it is no rare thing for a man to risk his life when a fellow man's life is in jeopardy, as is evident every day in industry, in the field of adventure, in accidents on the street, and in every channel of human activity.
There are Damon-Pythias friendships as well as Romeo-Juliet loves; and there are men and women, and children, too, who have not hesitated to imperil their lives to save a household pet.
Such a tremendous theme is the love impulse that it has always been the principal motif of the poet, the novelist, the artist, and it has been studied and analyzed by philosophers, seers and metaphysicians in all ages. It is responsible for much of the imperishable beauty, ecstasy and sublimity of life, art and literature; and, in its perverted, corrupted and misguided forms, it is equally responsible for some of the greatest tragedies that have scourged the heart of mankind.
Notwithstanding all the age-old philosophizing, romancing and effusions in poetry, prose and art, modern science is teaching us things about the love impulse that are more far-reaching and wonderful than the greatest sages and bards ever dreamed.
SEX LIFE OF THE CHILD
Sexual Instincts Manifest From Birth. In order to understand the constitution of our sexual nature, upon which ​the love-life is founded, it is necessary to give a brief review of its unfoldment from the earliest stages. The review will be largely a psychological one, because it is principally psychological factors which so profoundly influence the developmental phases of one's sexual nature. Then, too, the physical aspects of the problem will be discussed at length in subsequent chapters.
Dr. Edward J. Kempf divides the growth of personality into seven stages of autonomic-affective development, each of which has a bearing upon the sexual life, and leaves a lasting influence upon the behavior of the individual.
With respect to age, the stages vary considerably in different children, being influenced as the case may be by retarding diseases, accidents and fearful experiences, and also by intimidating, fascinating or encouraging influences of associates.
While the transitions from one stage to another are quite imperceptible, they may, as a matter of convenience, be classified as follows:
Intrauterine (before birth). Infantile—Birth to three years. Preadolescent—Three to ten years. Adolescent—Ten to seventeen years. Postadolescent—Seventeen to twenty-two years. Maturity—Twenty-two to forty-five years. Decadence—Forty-five to ———.
Not so long ago, the idea that the child has a definite sexual life would have been heresy. That was in line with the refusal to face the facts when sex was involved. Now, however, we know, and it is quite universally conceded by all who have investigated the subject, that the child brings dynamic sexual instincts into the world with him that are manifested practically from birth.
​There still may be timid persons who try to deny that there is such a thing as the sexual life of the child, but those individuals pay themselves no compliment when they show a revulsion to that idea. Such an attitude signifies a negation of biological fact; a denial of orderly organic processes; an attempted disavowal of an inexorable cosmic law. Such an attitude is obviously stupid.
Sexuality implies a fundamental instinct of the emotional life, which for many years is governed entirely by unconscious, automatic impulses.
So careful a student and conservative an authority as the late Dr. G. Stanley Hall stated that "We now know that sex life begins in infancy long before it has any localization in the erogenic zones; that its erethism may be stimulated by the pacifier or stoppered rubber nipple as early as the sucking stage; that half a dozen other forms of what Moll calls 'the detumescence instinct' may be cultivated unawares before it is directed toward or dependent upon other persons—that is, before the contrectation stage unfolds—and this in boys and girls alike before anything formally called sex makes its appearance. . . ."
The Autoerotic Stage. The child's sexuality is at first autoerotic—a term coined by Havelock Ellis. This means that the child's erotic impulses are turned upon itself, primitive state which many adults never entirely outgrow—to their misfortune.
In the course of normal development, the erotic attachment becomes transferred to another, or others, nearest to ​the child, usually the mother, or some other member of the family, or the nurse.
In the next stage, during adolescence or perhaps later, in adulthood, when the psycho-erotic life of the individual has suitably developed, it is again transferred to a person outside the family group—constituting what is familiarly known as falling in love.
Close students of child psychology have pointed out the fact that the infant enjoys in the taking of food an erotic (sexual) pleasure which it frequently seeks to obtain throughout childhood independent of taking nourishment. Dr. G. Stanley Hall's comment quoted above also alludes to this.
From this tendency, the habit of sucking the thumb or fingers may be formed, with rhythmic movements which grow into a fixed childish fault. Often there is associated with this "pleasure-sucking" a rubbing of sensitive parts of the body, the breast, the external genitals, etc. In this way many children automatically proceed from sucking to masturbation.
It is observed, too, that pleasure-sucking is connected with an entire exhaustion of attention and leads to sleep. The same principle holds true throughout life, i. e., the release of sexual tension—sex gratification in the adult—is conducive to repose and sleep. There is a medical axiom to the effect that sexual satisfaction is the best sedative.
From the adult standpoint many nervous insomnias are traced to lack of sexual gratification. It is also known that unscrupulous nurses calm crying children to sleep by stroking their genitals.
It is true that not all children suck their thumbs. It may be assumed that it is found primarily in children in whom ​the erogenous tendency of the lip zone is constitutionally pronounced.
Children in whom this erogenous trait is retained become habitual kissers as adults, or if men, they frequently show a marked desire for drinking or smoking. However, if repression comes into play, they may experience disgust for eating and evince hysterical vomiting. Because of the extreme sensitiveness of the lip-zones, the repression encroaches upon the normal desire for nourishment. Psychiatrists report that female patients showing disturbances in eating, such as hysterical globus, choking sensations, and vomiting, have been energetic thumb-suckers in infancy.
The significance of sucking as a sexual pleasure is further indicated by the fact that the mouth and lips remain the most prominent of the erogenous (love-producing) zones throughout normal life, as is evidenced by the function of the kiss.
Narcissism. Childhood is also the state of narcissism (self-love, so called after the Greek legend of Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection in the pool).
This trait is evidenced in the child's natural interest in, and admiration of, its nude body. The inclination of the child to glory in its own nakedness is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is the existence of an unconscious sexual motive a matter to be horrified over. The child should not be severely scolded for this propensity, as such treatment leaves an exaggerated impression on the young person, and tends to set up repressions in the background of the mind that may lead to future troublesome conflicts.
Undue erotic concentration may best be prevented by a general educational regimen which will direct the mind of the child into various constructive activities suited to its age and development. This is the process of sublimation, or ​turning ego-centric, sexual interests into channels of useful social activity.
The basic thought behind the best present-day methods of training youth is to keep them occupied with constructive activities, to permit large freedom of bodily movement and physical development, and to turn their amazing curiosity and inquisitiveness into impersonal channels—that is, fostering an interest in and the desire to learn the secrets of the natural world about us.
Normally, narcissism represents a transitory period, and serves a useful purpose in developing an ego-ideal, which in its best sense and in its normal proportions is summed up in the phrase self-esteem, or self-respect. It provides the impetus in the ambition to grow up into a worth-while human being.
On the other hand, if the individual remains at the narcissistic level too long, or does not break away from this elementary ideal as completely as he should, he remains over self-centered, vain, egoistic, or even asocial and primitive in his points of view. He does not become a well-rounded adult, nor a full-fledged social being.
A complete adult narcissist is, of course, rare, and he must inevitably be a total misfit in any society. An interesting analogy is offered in the fate of the mythological Narcissus, who becomes so enamored of himself that he spurns the approach of Venus (i. e., the normal sexual relationship), and according to different versions, is killed, or loses his sight, or suffers other symbolic loss of power.
The partial narcissist, however, is common. He is represented by the type of individual whose vanity or egotism is quite out of proportion to what it should be in the case of a social-minded adult human being. Temperamentally and emotionally he is childish.
​Our present state of society has been psychologically interpreted as predominately narcissistic. That is, it is still dominated by under-developed, ego-centric impulses emanating from the unconscious background. This accounts for the childish irrational tendencies of social groups, crowds, and in their most primitive states—mobs.
The Prepubescent Period. Infantile sexuality is quite devoid of centralization and specific organization. It is widely diffused over all parts of the body. As the child approaches puberty, however, the erogenous zones tend to concentrate to the region of the reproductive organs. Nor are the psychic and social expressions of sexual feeling absent in the prepubescent period. Choice in the matter of affections, jealousy, a leaning toward one of the sexes, and a preference for the parent, or other near relative, of the opposite sex—as so often observed—are widely manifested by very young children.
Dr. Wilhelm Stekel has emphasized the fallacy of the belief that persons fall in love only after puberty. The basic structure of the love-life is already set by that time. The normal person may fall in love even during childhood—usually only in a passive manner, but sometimes intensively. The choice of the love-object, however, is apt to remain independent of sex up to the time of puberty.
The sexual life of the child at the sixth or eighth year is so well established that a pause in the sexual development is often noticeable at this period, producing a comparatively latent stage until puberty. This is attributable to the partial breaking away from the narcissistic goal, and to the larger social world that the child has begun to move in about this period.
Even under these circumstances, especially when any factor​—undesirable companionship, or otherwise—tends to stimulate sexual curiosity, the latent period may not take place. In this event, the child will continue without interruption in the conscious expression, although possibly well concealed, of its sexual interests.
It is undoubtedly the usual latent period, combined with repression, that is responsible for the common tendency of people to forget their early childhood sexual feelings and experiences. This infantile amnesia (loss of memory) which shuts us off from the memories of our earliest childhood, is encountered in every case of psycho-analytical treatment.
Childhood's Sex Interests Repressed. Repression is undoubtedly an important factor in this "forgetting." It is about this time that the child invariably is most subjected to the "don'ts," and "mustn'ts," and "shames" in relation to its sexual life. In addition to the normal development away from crude infantile expressions of sexual interest, there is instilled a feeling that there is something inherently indecent about it, so that the taboo reacts upon the early sexual memories by gradually and effectively forcing them out of the field of consciousness.
The progress of the child in its course of development is well described by Dr. William A. White (The Mental Hygiene of Childhood) in the following words:
"The amoral, asocial child of the period of infancy, guided solely by its instincts, undergoes changes at about five years of age, the object of which is to bring the instincts into the service of cultural aims (moral and social). How much these changes are inherently necessary, and thus are independent of outside influences, and how much such influences are responsible for them, it is impossible to state because all children seem ​to undergo them; but, too, all children are surrounded by conditions that make such changes understandable.
"These changes consist in general in the suppression, or more technically, the repression, of the frank, instinctive tendencies, an effort to disregard their promptings, and a distinct effort to fit into conventional requirements and make the accepted moral and social standards goals for conduct. This involves an about face for the infant who has hitherto followed only selfish aims. The conduct which has been natural to him up to this time is now no longer indulged in, at least not openly, and if perchance he is discovered in any small self-indulgence his reaction is one of shame. To this nakedness, his overt sex activities, his curiosity in forbidden subjects, he reacts with shame if in the presence of others, or all conduct along such lines is effectively repressed so that it does not take place at all. Similarly, with such pleasure as grows out of the infant's interest in its bowel movements or in urination. There now arises in place of such pleasure an actual disgust."
Sublimation. The term sublimation, as used in psychology, is taken from chemistry. In the latter science, it means one of the processes by which a substance may be purified. Briefly expressed, sublimation in modern psychology means the turning of the primitive instincts and urges into constructive, cultural or socially desirable channels. This process can be overdone, or the attempt made to force matters too rapidly, or too severe measures may be used. When any of these things occur, deplorable results may ensue.
The child is a remarkable example of energy. This energy must express itself. In childhood, the constructive activities, besides a good educational program, are wholesome play, athletics, character-forming practices, such as at the manual trades and arts, as children "like to make things." Self-discipline inculcated in this way is infinitely superior to that based solely on authority. If the energy of the child is ​not taken up in these or similar pursuits, it will tend to vent itself in negative or destructive tendencies.
The turning of the impulses from primitive, egotistic modes of satisfaction to outlets that have cultural and social value is, therefore, a necessary process in the educational development of the individual.
There seems every reason to believe, however, that the transferring of impulses from one goal to another, is not an actual change in the nature of the impulse, but is merely a masked indulgence of the original craving. It is, of course, no less desirable on this account. The evidence of this is especially observable in adult life.
The new activity may be said to stand as a symbol of satisfaction of a former craving. The possibilities that are bound up in this process of sublimation of primitive impulses can scarcely be estimated. All the gigantic achievements of science and art and in every other field of human activity may be looked upon as higher forms of compensation for urges that have behind them a primitive energetic base.
Artistic and literary activities may be mentioned as particular forms of sublimation in which the sexual impulses often play a powerful determining rôle. The sexual motive is unquestionably the principal determiner in these important fields. The artistic conception is realized if the interest is turned from the genital zone to the form of the body as a whole; but the sexual basis is perfectly evident. However, it is a refined, socialized form of sexual interest.
On the other hand, in erotic literature, it is not so much sublimation that is achieved as direct compensation; that is, the author compensates for the impulse to sexual acts by describing them in minute or elaborate detail.
The energy behind all of this effort appears to be funda​mentally sexual in nature. In this connection, Freud states:
"The historians of civilization seem to be unanimous in the opinion that such deviation of sexual motive powers from sexual aims to new aims, a process which merits the name sublimation, has furnished powerful components for all cultural accomplishments. We will, therefore, add that the same process acts in the development of every individual, and that it begins to act in the sexual latency period."
From the practical standpoint, an interesting comparison may be made between successful and unsuccessful sublimation in everyday life, which may readily be noted from casual observation. A neurosis has been described as an unsuccessful attempt at sublimation; or a pathological substitute for sublimation.
Adolescence. The whole organism undergoes distinctive changes during the adolescent period. From the physiological angle, however, it is definitely typified by the convergence of the erotic impulse and affections upon the pelvic or genital zone, with a rapid development of the physical organism as a whole.
Accompanying this physiological revolution, there is a corresponding change in the psychic manifestations. Love fancies are now centered about the personality of a person of the opposite sex and when the practice of masturbation is indulged in, it is usually preceded by or associated with fancies directed toward the love-object. In the preadolescent stage, when masturbation is practiced, it is generally more or less due to automatic and experimental stimulation, with relatively little preliminary fancy.
The more general changes that begin to take place at this time are too well known to need detailed description. Characteristically, in the boy, we observe the sprouting of ​the beard and pubic hair, a more rapid enlargement of the testicles and reproductive organs, and an acceleration in the growth of the body generally.
In the girl the breasts and the pelvis assume the adult female characteristics, and the processes of ovulation and menstruation begin. Internal changes also make themselves felt in numerous ways, signifying the unfoldment of the sexually mature individual.
Psychologically, adolescence in both sexes is characterized by moods and a cycle of changing impulses. There are enthusiasms and depressions, periods of optimism and pessimism, tranquillity and restlessness, alternating with each other, that are more pronounced than at any other period of life. In the high-strung youth, after a transitory depression, the unrest may become feverish; all activities are performed with alacrity, and if there be an obstacle, it is a spur and not a deterrent. Fatigue is for the time forgotten in the second-wind of dauntless energy. If the youth is in love, he is now hopeful and confident, and perhaps impatient of waiting in the development of his romance.
At times this is a very trying period of transition, with a dominating sense of pessimism. It prompts some youths to rash and impulsive acts, to compensate for their feeling of inadequacy. Others are inclined to solitude and introspection, depending upon the temperament of the individual. Another type, less common, may find it a somewhat pleasing and sweet melancholia—a continuous day-dream, living in an unreal world, a rather sorrowfully exquisite mirage.
The adolescent youth in his most sensitive moments is often discouraged by the great chasm between his ambitions and his powers of attainment. His wishes and ambitions are definite enough, but his efforts seem futile and vain, or ​at least woefully inadequate. He is depressed with the feeling that his aims are unrealizable.
Extremely sensitive adolescents, particularly where there is an hereditary strain of instability, may give way to the seemingly over-powering situation. Thus, dementia præcox (the insanity of youth) usually begins to manifest itself about this time, or in the post-adolescent stage.
In these influences from the subtly rotating functions of the organism, Dr. G. Stanley Hall tells us, "the impulse of virility beats, and the momentum of heredity advances, pauses and intermits. Through all the years of probation before marriage, we receive waves of energy from nature which we are to sublimate and convert into ever higher cultural advances. Thus, we ripen by control for effective parenthood when its consummate hour comes."
SEXUAL ATTRACTION
The attraction of one sex for the other is one of the fundamental principles of life, in all forms of life. Nature, which is responsible for this condition, has created a situation that often borders on a dilemma. Nature takes little or no account of the social conventions or of the cultural demands of civilization. If we do not by commonsense and sound judgment make arrangements for some harmonious adjustment of our innate forces and our environment, then we suffer.
Throughout the whole animal kingdom the chief end of life is to make one sex attractive to, and attracted by, the other sex. Among the lower animals, this characteristic is more obvious than among human beings, even though the actual mating season may be in many cases periodic instead of continuous as in mankind.
The attraction of a human being for a person of the op​posite sex has a remote background in our biological heritage. The instincts which promote this attraction work for the most part unconsciously. Their biological motive is reproduction, or race propagation, although, of course, their actual. expression toward this end forms only an infinitesimal part of their activity in the social life of a civilized human being.
In every normal person there is a conscious or unconscious thrill, however slight, upon sight of an attractive person of the opposite sex. More often this reaction of the magnetism of sex is unconscious, as in facing the conditions of modern reality, we cannot concern ourselves with every passing object that pleases us.
Nevertheless, the unconscious thrill is invariably present, and we sometimes consciously reflect it by casting a second glance, or manifesting some other form of sexual interest which we may or may not care to recognize as such. This unconscious trait of our psychic make-up is not very discriminating. It goes out to all fairly attractive members of the opposite sex.
There is, however, one feature of our unconscious love emotions that evidences a marked discrimination. Why is it that each of us instinctively takes to, or shows a preference for, a certain type of individual of the opposite sex? Why is it that so many people fall in love at first sight—often to fall out again as soon as they get a chance to become acquainted?
This characteristic in us works so subtly that we may fail to realize that there are types to which we are attracted— and others that we are not attracted to at all, or are repelled by.
Nevertheless, we all realize that we may meet certain people that interest us (consciously) from the very first, and we do not know the reason why. All our reasoning may tell us ​that there is nothing in the individual that warrants a second thought, and yet we are attracted sometimes in spite of ourselves and quite strongly. This is an expression of the unconscious love impulses in action.
WHAT IMPELS TO LOVE
The Parent Image. Practically all our elementary likes and dislikes, loves and hates, are derived from patterns we unconsciously copy in infancy and early childhood. In the course of late childhood and finally adulthood, they are subject to modification and elaboration, but very rarely are they discarded or reversed. It might be safe to say, without wishing to be dogmatic, that almost never are they entirely eliminated—certainly not in the great majority of cases.
Children, of course, unconsciously pattern their emotional responses after those nearest to them—normally their parents, or parent substitutes. The very earliest impression is concerned with the infant's nutrition, and sense of well-being generally—that is, the warmth, caresses and other comforts that are the result of its mother's attentions.
Infants and very young children, before they know anything about relationships, therefore develop a close attachment to the mother as the source of food supply and comfort. She becomes synonymous with these terms in the infant's purely reflex desire to satisfy hunger and to relieve the tension of physical discomforts. The child's affective or emotional life in this way becomes conditioned to associate satisfaction and pleasure with the mother. The mother is identified with the good things and comforts of life.
The influence of this primal feeling upon the child's emotional sphere in all its phases is tremendous. With the evolution of the affections, the sentiments, and the love-life, the ​picture of the mother in the background remains a pattern to measure the prospects of future comforts and satisfactions.
From the standpoint of the sexual problem as such, the male child specifically carries this mother image in his psyche, without, of course, realizing it, as the instinctive guide in his future seeking for the love-object.
The character of this mental picture largely governs his future attitude toward all members of the opposite sex. Its normal characteristic is flexibility, and adaptation, and like all other primitive human qualities, it should develop and run its course. Nevertheless, in a more general way, it always remains as an index to determine the man's preferences among the members of the opposite sex, and for the specific object of his love in particular.
Now from the standpoint of food and physical comforts the girl infant should be, and is, as much attached to the mother as the male child. But here is where those subtle factors of the sex or love-life enter in. We know that at a very early age, the girl child shows a disposition, normally, to discriminate in expressing her affections in favor of the father.
Of course, the father, too, is a source of satisfaction and comfort, as he caresses the baby, often devoting much time to administering to its welfare and pleasure in his home hours, and in many ways identifies himself in the child's mind with loving care and protection. So, perhaps, he becomes to the little one a symbol of these desirable traits. The very fact that he acts as nurse extraordinary only part time—instead of being on twenty-four hour service, as is the case of the average mother—makes him more attentive to the child's wishes and more lenient with its faults, thus enhancing his nobility and grandeur in the child's eyes.
So we see how at a very early age, the little girl begins to ​center her affectional interest in her father, who in this way becomes in the course of time her conception of the ideal of the opposite sex. Therefore, in later years, when the girl takes an interest in young men she is unconsciously influenced by her father's traits of character or physical attributes, and encourages those who may possess such traits or attributes, and promptly discourages those who do not. It is true that these identifying characteristics may be remote or far-fetched—but nevertheless, if it is a real love match, her lover in some important respects measures up to the psychic image of her ideal (her father).
It might be asked why does the male child normally pattern his sexual ideal after the mother, and the female child after the father? That is so far one of the secrets of nature—we only know from observation upon human beings, and from observation and experiment upon animals, that it is so. It will be remembered also that we discussed in the preceding pages the sexual attraction of one sex for the opposite sex that exists throughout nature.
When, in unusual cases, because of abnormal home conditions, the child learns to accept the parent of its own sex as the ideal for a mate, there is apt to develop a tendency to homosexuality, or some other aberration of its love-life.
​There is no limit to the points of parental resemblance, real or imaginary, that the lover may find in the object of his (or her) love. The likeness may be extremely slight, something about the hair or its color, the eyes, the walk, an attitude, perhaps most often a similarity in the matter of figure. It is not a complete or definite personality, but rather a collection of idealized fragments.
Maybe there is usually a more tangible resemblance that we give the lover credit for. Years ago, Karl Pearson was puzzled to find that the color of eyes was more alike in man and wife than it should be in first cousins, according to biological theory. As a man tends to marry a woman resembling his mother, and a woman tends to marry a man resembling her father, the color of the eyes must be among the first of all likenesses seized upon to awaken the admiration that ripens into love. As the percentage of men who have inherited the color of eyes of their mother, and women the color of eyes of their father, is very great, it offers a practical theory for this point of common resemblance between husband and wife.
Fixations. When this unconscious idealization of the parent image is developed to an abnormal degree, so that it becomes a literal measure or precise pattern for comparing the love-object, instead of more or less a symbol, as it normally is, then we have a troublesome fixation. A great deal of unhappiness in many marriages is due to either the husband or wife being obsessed with a parent fixation. Naturally the spouse—the wife, for instance—does not measure up to the rigid standard of her husband's childhood ideal of the mother—who was sort of a super-being, because she supplied all wants—which still dominates his love-life.
The characteristic case is a neurosis, and it indicates that the subject has not modified or outgrown his conception of ​an infantile ideal. In effect, the man so conditioned is still psychologically tied to his mother's apron strings. This is no idle figure of speech, but the plain labeling of a fact.
It is a distorted memory that the man possessed of a mother fixation is unconsciously worshipping—a living replica of which he is ever trying to find as the ideal mate. But he is doomed to disappointment and failure, because such a being, the living phantasy of his mental image, does not exist.
This is the unidentified factor that causes many persons to remain unmarried throughout life. They are unable to find the non-existent mate they are seeking.
There are less severe cases, where a strong tendency in this direction prevails, without a disruption of the whole love-life. Men feel some vague element lacking in their marriage relations. They realize that the woman they have chosen is a good wife, but there is some misgiving that they sense but cannot definitely recognize. If they could be brought to understand that they are simply trying to measure up a very human person with a non-existent ideal or glorified symbol, they would have the key to the whole situation.
A fixation is recognized as the cause of some cases of impotence—called "psychic impotence," because there is absolutely no physical reason for the impotent condition. Furthermore, in most cases of this kind, the man is impotent only with certain women, and not with others. This indicates that he has unconsciously identified the woman with whom he is impotent, with a member of the mother-sister class. On account of the natural revulsion to incest, he is unable to consummate the sex act. Some wives are frigid for the same reason. The husband is identified too closely with the father fixation. This is a point of practical interest, because impotence and frigidity are recognized as basic causes of marital disharmony.
​The common occurrence of "love at first sight" is unquestionably based upon the instinctive association of an unconscious ideal in arousing the emotion of love. Relatives and friends usually say in these cases, "What in the world can she see in him?" or "What can he possibly see in her?"
But there is some subtle attraction at work, which has never been explained so satisfactorily as by the theory of an unconscious sex ideal formed by the experiences and associations of infancy and childhood.
ABERRATIONS OF THE LOVE-LIFE
Fetichism. We have observed the indelible psychic impression that the parent of the opposite sex makes upon the mind of the child. It has been implied that it is not so much a complete picture of a personality that is idealized as it is a collection of fragments. These fragments that leave their impression upon us—as they do on everyone—become in normal life symbols that awaken pleasing sentiments; or, abnormally, fetiches that obsess the mind of the individual harboring them. In a sense, we are all fetichists in some degree.
When, for instance, a man obtains sentimental satisfaction in preserving a lock of hair or handkerchief or glove of his sweetheart, or of someone else dear to him; and when a woman treasures the flower or other object worn by her lover, we have examples of fetichism that are quite normal and socially acceptable.
In all cases, forgotten memories of infancy and childhood are the bases of fetiches. They represent fragments of early experiences to which there is attached an emotional response. Normally these unconscious memories lead one to admire certain features or characteristics of members of the opposite sex. ​When an individual becomes so fixed with an obsession that his principal interest is concentrated on a certain part of the body, such as the foot, or hair or on some object that is associated with that part, such as the shoe or a garment, then it is recognized as a perverse condition, or fetichism.
The greatest amount of fetichism seems directed toward the hair, ankles, feet and breasts. It is common for fetichism to be focused on inanimate objects, such as handkerchiefs, shoes, stockings, petticoats and hair ornaments, which are suggestive of the parts of the body upon which these objects are worn.
In its relation to the love-life, true fetichism may be considered an erotic displacement in which the sex impulse is concentrated upon an object which has only indirectly an erotic significance. There is a fixation upon a symbol, instead of the normal reaction of sexual interest. It is said that many fetichists enter a business which gives them the maximum opportunity; thus, some becoming shoe salesmen to indulge their fancies to the utmost.
Anti-Fetiches. Objects or qualities which depress or destroy the erotic impulse may be called anti-fetiches. Any stimuli which cause an unpleasant reaction, such as obnoxious odors, a disagreeable tone of voice, an ugly feature of the face or figure, an awkward appearance, bad taste in dress, etc., are apt to adversely affect eroticism. Therefore, when one of the opposite sex by any of these means arouses disgust, the anti-fetich paralyzes the sexual appetite, and even a symbol of the objectionable object may cool love.
Exhibitionism. In commenting upon the sexuality of young children, reference was made to their delight in observing and showing their nude bodies. This is a normal state of early childhood emotional development, and is normally ​overcome by the child's sense of modesty, which is inculcated by training and social repression.
There are some people, however, who never really outgrow this psychological stage, and their sexual life remains at the exhibitionist level as long as they live. This form of perversion is not rare. The extreme pathological type of exhibitionist obtains sexual gratification only by exposing himself to members of the opposite sex. The normal sexual relation does not interest him.
Like other abnormal states, exhibitionism is simply a normal condition highly magnified, or greatly exaggerated. By this I mean that there is a modified form of exhibitionism in everyone, and that it is not only socially unobjectionable, but it serves a constructive purpose to the individual.
The opposite trait to exhibitionism is sexual curiosity—the abnormal type being designated as the voyeur, or "Peeping Tom."
These traits are directed by the unconscious psychic processes and are bound up with the secondary characteristics of sex. As examples of modified exhibitionism, we may record the propensity of women to wear low-necked gowns and dresses, short skirts, sleeveless waists, transparent fabrics, and similar dress and undress effects, which permit more or less display of the flesh and figure, and this affords an unconscious, and also a conscious, gratification of woman's impulse to exhibitionism. Other characteristic examples are certain hair-dressing arrangements, picturesque hats, various poses and attitudes, and other evidences that tend to emphasize the sex appeal of femininity.
Prominent among men's exhibitionist practices are modes of dress that display or suggest masculine strength, such as square-cut or padded shoulders, athletic costumes and numerous actions and affectations which have as their motive the ​conscious and unconscious desire to attract the interest and win the admiration of the fair sex.
Sadism and Masochism. Sadism (a term derived from Marquis de Sade, a French novelist who exploited perversions and cruelty of man to woman) is the trait in our psychic make-up which causes us to get satisfaction by inflicting pain on another. Its operation is manifold, as well as subtle, and more extensive than we might care to admit. It is exemplified in the child who teases or injures household pets and punishes animals; and in a symbolical way by destroying dolls and toy animals. It is most strongly evidenced in the bully and all individuals who subject others to acts of cruelty and punishment. In a lesser degree, this characteristic is manifested in teasing, tickling and petty annoyances of a like nature.
A pronounced degree of sadism is shown by parents who whip their children, men who beat their wives, women who hen-peck their husbands, boys who look for fights, successful soldiers, pugilists, football players, and pugnaciously aggressive persons.
In its purely sexual aspect, sadism is manifested by the individual (usually male) who obtains satisfaction by inflicting pain on his sexual partner. It may be present in slight degree, so that the aggressor is quite unconscious of the impulse, or it may be pronounced, causing real pain and injury to the other party. The most extreme pathological form of sadism is typified in the Jack-the-Ripper, who gratifies his perverted passions by atrocious means.
Masochism (from L. von Sacher-Masoch, an Austrian novelist whose favorite theme was cruelty practiced on self) is also a characteristic inherent to some degree in everyone. While less noticeable than sadism, its opposing trait—because it is a passive rather than an aggressive impulse—it is no ​less widespread. The two qualities are ever present in every individual, although in widely varying proportions, and constitute one of the several ambivolent features of our personality.
Ambivolence relates to the state of having opposing impulses, and the experiencing of opposite feelings, at the same time. Thus, the ego and sex characteristics of each individual are made up of groups of opposing traits, the sum total of which constitutes one's personality. Everyone has both sadistic and masochistic qualities; tendencies to exhibitionism and sexual curiosity; homo- and hetero-sexual feelings, etc.
In the sexual realm, masochism is evidenced in the person (usually female) who obtains sexual gratification by being subjected to a certain amount of pain during intercourse. The sex act is usually accompanied by some slight suggestion of pain to the woman, although in the proper relations not the slightest harm or injury is done. Rather, the situation is symbolized—i. e., in the mastery of the male; the submission of the female.
There are male masochists in the pervert class who experience sexual gratification by submitting to beatings, usually hiring prostitutes or others for that purpose.
As the individual progresses along cultural lines, his primitive sadistic-masochistic characteristics are sublimated in socially acceptable channels.
Homosexuality. This is a state in which one is sexually disposed toward members of the same sex. It is normally a primitive trait of childhood, which prevails up to the time of adolescence, but which may and sometimes does persist in adult life. The opposite, and normal condition, is called heterosexuality.
Young boys and young girls usually have little interest in ​the opposite sex—in fact, they are frequently scornful of members of it, excepting, of course, the idealized parent of the opposite sex.
On the other hand, they form strong friendships with members of their own sex. Prominent in the classification of adolescent homosexual attractions are the school friendships of girls, which are known variously as "crushes,"
"flames" and "raves." Elaborate romances are sometimes bound up in these attachments, with their courtships, love letters, jealousy and other manifestations of erotic affection. Havelock Ellis states that while these alliances are sometimes sexual in the physical sense, they often are not so, but are full of "psychic erethism."
The subject of homosexuality, and its causes, is too involved to go into at length. Suffice to say at this point, however, that it would seem to be largely a psychological problemn, due to faulty early environment, and sometimes possibly accentuated by an irregularity of the endocrine glandular system.
It is believed that an over-attachment by the male for the mother, or other female—the fixation which has already been discussed—is one of the principal determining causes. In this way the boy unconsciously patterns his psycho-erotic reactions and conduct after those of his mother, and as her sexual interest normally is in men, the boy's, too, gravitates in that direction, so that in adulthood he has sexual feeling only for persons of his own sex. The over-attachment of the girl for the father may result in the homosexual woman. In most cases probably the homosexual feelings are repressed.
Hermaphroditism. When the generative organs of the two sexes are combined in a single individual, the condition is known as hermaphroditism. True hermaphrodites—possessing the complete genitalia of the two sexes—are not ​known to occur among human beings. So-called hermaphrodites, however—having the normal organs of one sex and some of the genitalia of the other sex in a rudimentary form—are not rare. They are usually females in whom the clitoris has assumed an extraordinary development, so as to resemble the male penis. In exceptional instances, this development is so large, and the power of erection in that organ is so complete, that it can be used in coitus with another female. While an imperfect connection can thus be held, it would not lead to conception, on account of the absence of semen, the male fertilizing element.
In the lower orders of animal life, however, perfect hermaphrodites are not an unusual phenomenon. Hermaphroditism, indeed, becomes more frequent in proportion as we descend the biological scale, until, in some of the very lowest species, there are none but hermaphrodites—each individual being both male and female, capable of impregnating itself and bringing forth young without assistance from another individual of the species.
* ↑ In this sense, detumescence represents the release or discharge of either tension or energy, and may be either physical or psychological. All pleasure may be considered a release of tension of some kind. When the tension is strong, we have pain; hence pleasure or a feeling of well-being always follows relief from pain, because the tension has been released.
* ↑ Peculiarities of Behavior. New York, 1924.
* ↑ Mind and Health Series, Little, Brown & Co., Boston, 1919
* ↑ On the other hand, the development of the ego-ideal works just the other way about. Normally, every young boy looks upon his father as the ideal of manhood, and the male child hopes some day to be a "big, strong man like daddy." This is so whether the father is really big and strong or not; he seems all-powerful in the child's small world. Therefore, quite unconsciously, the boy normally makes the father his ideal of manhood-just as he has made his mother the ideal of womanhood, to whom later in life he will unconsciously compare all other women, and they must be in some way identified with, and measure up to, this sexual ideal that is indelibly registered in his mind. The whole situation, of course, is just reversed for the girl, both as to the ego ideal, and the sexual ideal.