# The Rehearsal/Act 5-1

ACTUS V. SCÆNA I.
Bayes, and the two Gentlemen.
Bayes.Now, Gentlemen, I will be bold to say, I'l shew you the greatest Scene that ever England saw: I mean not for words, for those I do not value; but for state, shew, and magnificence. In fine, I'l justifie it to be as grand to the eye every whit, I gad, as that great Scene in Harry the Eight, and grander too, I gad; for, instead of two Bishops, I have brought in two other Cardinals.
The Curtain is drawn up, and the two usurping Kings appear in State, with the four Cardinals, Prince Pretty-man, Prince Volscius, Amarillis, Cloris, Parthenope, &c. before them, Heralds and Serjeants at Arms with Maces.
Smi. Mr. Bayes, pray what is the reason that two of the Cardinals are in Hats, and the other in Caps?
Bayes. Why, Sir, because——— By gad, I won't tell you.
Smi. I ask your pardon, Sir.
K. Ush. Now, Sir, to the business of the day.
Vols. Dread Soveraign Lords, my zeal to you, must not invade my duty to your Son; let me intreat that great Prince Pretty-man first do speak: whose high preheminence, in all things that do bear the name of good, may justly claim that priviledge.
Pret. Royal Father, upon my knees I beg
Pret. That the Illustrious Volscius first be heard.
​Bayes. Here it begins to unfold: you may perceive, now, that he is his Son.
Johns. Yes, Sir; and we are very much beholden to you for that discovery.
Vols. That preference is only due to Amarillis, Sir.
Bayes. I'l make her speak very well, by and by, you shall see.
Ama. Invincible Soveraigns——— [Soft Musick.
K. Ush. But stay, what sound is this invades our ears?
K. Phys. Sure 'tis the Musick of the moving Spheres.
Pret. Behold, with wonder, yonder comes from far
Pret. A God-like-Cloud, and a triumphant Carr:
Pret. In which, our two right Kings sit one by one,
Pret. With Virgin Vests, and Laurel Garlands on.
K. Ush. Then, Brother Phys', 'tis time that we were gone.
[The two Usurpers steal out of the Throne, and go away.
Bayes. Look you now, did not I tell you that this would be as easie a turn as the other?
Smi. Yes, faith, you did so; though, I confess, I could not believe you; but you have brought it about, I see.
[The two right Kings of Brentford descend in the Clouds, singing in white garments; and three Fidlers sitting before them, in green.
Bayes. Now, because the two Right Kings descend from above, I make 'em sing to the Tune and Stile of our modern Spirits.
1 King. Haste, brother King, we are sent from above.
2 King.Let us move, let us move:
2 King.Move to remove the Fate
2 King.Of Brentfords long united State.
1 King. Tara, tara, tara, full East and by South,
2 King. We sail with Thunder in our mouth,
2 King.In scorching noon-day, whil'st the traveller stayes,
2 King.Busie, busie, busie, busie, we bustle along.
2 King.Mounted upon warm Phœbus his Rayes,
2 King.Through the Heavenly throng,
2 King.Haste to those
2 King.Who will feast us, at night, with a Pigs Petty-toes.
1 King.And we'l fall with our pate
1 King.In an Ollio of hate.
2 King. But now supper's done, the Servitors try,
2 King.Like Souldiers, to storm a whole half-moon-pye.
1 King. They gather, they gather hot Custard in spoons,
1 King.Alas, I must leave these half-moons,
1 King.And repair to my trusty Dragoons.
2 King. O stay, for you need not as yet go astray;
2 King.The Tyde, like a friend, has brought ships in our way,
2 King.And on their high-ropes we will play.
2 King.Like Maggots in Filberds, we'l snug in our shell,
2 King.We'l frisk in our shell,
2 King.We'l firk in our shell,
2 King.And farewel.
1 King. But the Ladies have all inclination to dance,
1 King.And the green Frogs croak out a Coranto of France.
Bayes. Is not that pretty, now? The Fidlers are all in green.
Smi. I, but they play no Coranto.
Johns. No, but they play a Tune, that's a great deal better.
Bayes. No Coranto quoth a! that's a good one, with all my heart. Come, sing on.
2 King.Now Mortals that hear
2 King.How we Tilt and Carrier,
2 King.With wonder will fear
2 King.The event of such things as shall never appear.
1 King. Stay you to fulfill what the Gods have decreed.
2 King. Then call me to help you, if there shall be need.
1 King. So firmly resolv'd is a true Brentford King
1 King.To save the distressed, and help to 'em bring,
1 King.That ere a Full-pot of good Ale you can swallow,
1 King.He's here with a whoop, and gone with a holla.
[Bayes phillips his finger, and sings after 'em.
Bayes. He's here with a whoop, and gone with a holla. This, Sir, you must know, I thought once to have brought in with a Conjurer.
Johns. I, that would have been better.
Bayes. No, faith, not when you consider it: for thus 'tis more compendious, and does the thing every whit as well.
Smi. Thing! what thing?
Bayes. Why, bring 'em down again into the Throne, Sir; what thing would you have?
Smi. Well; but, methinks, the Sence of this Song is not very plain.
Bayes. Plain? why, did you ever hear any people in Clouds speak plain? They must be all for flight of fancie, at its full range, without the least check, or controul upon it. When once you tye up spirits, and people in Clouds to speak plain, you spoil all.
Smi. Bless me, what a Monster's this!
[The two Kings light out of the Clouds, and step into the Throne.
1 King. Come, now to serious counsel we'l advance.
2 King. I do agree; but first, let's have a Dance.
Bayes. Right. You did that very well, Mr. Cartwright. But first, let's have a Dance. Pray remember that; be sure you do it always just so: for it must be done as if it were the effect of thought, and premeditation. But first, let's have a Dance. Pray remember that.
Smi. Well, I can hold no longer, I must gag this rogue; there's no induring of him.
Johns. No, pr'ythee make use of thy patience a little longer: let's see the end of him now.
[Dance a grand Dance.
Bayes. This, now, is an ancient Dance, of right belonging ​to the Kings of Brentford; and since deriv'd, with a little alteration, to the Inns of Court.
An Alarm. Enter two Heralds.
1 King. What sawcie Groom molests our privacies?
1 Her. The Army's at the door, and in disguise,
1 Her. Desires a word with both your Majesties:
2 Her. Having, from Knights-bridge, hither march'd by stealth.
2 King. Bid 'em attend a while, and drink our health.
Smi. How, Mr. Bayes, the Army in disguise?
Bayes. Ay, Sir, for fear the Usurpers might discover them that went out but just now.
Smi. Why, what if they had discover'd them?
Bayes. Why then they had broke this design.
Smi. That's true, indeed. I did not think of that.
1 King. Here, take five Guineys for those warlike men.
2 King. And here's five more; that makes the sum just ten.
1 Her. We have not seen so much the Lord knows when. [Exeunt Heralds.
1 King. Speak on, brave Amarillis.
Ama. Invincible Soveraigns, blame not my modesty, If at this grand conjuncture———
[Drum beats behind the Stage.
1 King. What dreadful noise is this that comes and goes?
Enter a Soldier with his Sword drawn.
Sold. Haste hence, great Sirs, your Royal persons save,
Sold. For the event of war no mortal knows:
Sold. The Army, wrangling for the gold you gave,
Sold. First fell to words, and then to handy-blows. [Exit.
2 King. O dangerous estate of Soveraign pow'r!
2 King.Obnoxious to the change of every hour.
1 King. Let us for shelter in our Cabinet stay:
1 King.Perhaps these threat'ning storms may pass away. [Exeunt.
Johns. But, Mr. Bayes, did not you promise us, just now, to make Amarillis speak very well?
​Bayes. Ay, and so she would have done, but that they hinder'd her.
Smi. How, Sir? whether you would or no?
Bayes. Ay, Sir; the Plot lay so that, I vow to gad, it was not to be avoided.
Smi. Marry, that was hard.
John. But, pray, who hinder'd her?
Bayes. Why, the battel, Sir, that's just coming in at door. And I'l tell you now a strange thing: though I don't pretend to do more than other men, I gad, I'l give you both a whole week to ghess how I'l represent this Battel.
Smi. I had rather be bound to fight your Battel, Sir, I assure you.
Bayes. Why, there's it now: fight a Battel? there's the common error. I knew presently where I should have you. Why, pray, Sir, do but tell me this one thing, Can you think it a decent thing, in a battel before Ladies, to have men run their Swords through one another, and all that?
Johns. No, faith, 'tis not civil.
Bayes. On the other side; to have a long relation of Squadrons here, and Squadrons there: what is that but a dull prolixity?
Johns. Excellently reason'd, by my troth!
Bayes. Wherefore, Sir, to avoid both those Indecorums, I sum up my whole battel in the representation of two persons only, no more: and yet so lively, that, I vow to gad, you would swear ten thousand men were at it, really engag'd. Do you mark me?
Smi. Yes, Sir; but I think I should hardly swear, though, for all that.
Bayes. By my troth, Sir, but you would, though, when you fee it: for I make 'em both come out in Armor, Cap-a-pea, with their Swords drawn, and hung, with a scarlet Ribbon at their wrists, (which, you know, represents fighting enough) each of 'em holding a Lute in his hand.
Smi. How, Sir, instead of a Buckler?
​Bayes. O Lord, O Lord! instead of a Buckler? Pray, Sir, do you ask no more questions. I make 'em, Sir, play the battel in Recitativo. And here's the conceipt. Just at the very same instant that one sings, the other, Sir, recovers you his Sword, and puts himself in a warlike posture: so that you have at once your ear entertain'd with Musick, and good Language; and your eye satisfi'd with the garb, and accoutrements of war. Is not that well?
Johns. I, what would you have more? he were a Devil that would not be satisfi'd with that.
Smi. I confess, Sir, you stupifie me.
Bayes. You shall see.
Johns. But, Mr. Bayes, might not we have a little fighting for I love those Plays, where they cut and slash one another, upon the Stage, for a whole hour together.
Bayes. Why, then, to tell you true, I have contriv'd it both ways. But you shall have my Recitativo first.
Enter, at several doors, the General, and Lieutenant General, arm'd Cap-a-pea, with each of them a Lute in his hand, and his sword drawn, and hung, with a scarlet Ribbon at his wrist.
Lieut. Gen. Villain, thou lyest.
Gen. Arm, arm, Gonsalvo, arm; what ho?
Gen. The lye no flesh can brook, I trow.
Lieut. Gen. Advance, from Acton, with the Musquetiers.
Gen. Draw down the Chelsey Curiasiers.
Lieut. Gen. The Band you boast of, Chelsey Curiasiers,
Lieut. Shall, in my Putney Pikes, now meet their Peers.
Gen. Chiswickians, aged, and renown'd in fight,
Gen. Joyn with the Hammersmith Brigade.
Lieut. Gen. You'l find my Mortlake Boys will do them right,
Lieut. Unless by Fulham numbers over-laid.
Gen. Let the left-wing of Twick'nam foot advance,
Gen. And line that Eastern hedge.
Lieut. Gen. The Horse I rais'd in Petty-France
Lieut. Shall try their chance.
Lieut. And scowr the Medows, over-grown with Sedge.
​Gen. Stand: give the word.
Lieut. Gen. Bright Sword.
Gen. That may be thine,
Gen. But 'tis not mine.
Lieut. Gen. Give fire, give fire, at once give fire,
Lieut. And let those recreant Troops perceive mine ire.
Gen. Pursue, pursue; they fly
Gen. That first did give the lye. [Exeunt.
Bayes. This, now, is not improper, I think, because the Spectators know all these Towns, and may easily conceive them to be within the Dominions of the two Kings of Brentford.
Johns. Most exceeding well design'd!
Bayes. How do you think I have contriv'd to give a stop to this battel?
Smi. How?
Bayes. By an Eclipse: Which, let me tell you, is a kind of fancie that was yet never so much as thought of, but by my self, and one person more, that shall be nameless. Come, come in, Mr. ——— a ———.
Enter Lieutenant General.
Lieut. Gen. What mid-night darkness does invade the day,
Lieut. And snatch the Victor from his conquer'd prey?
Lieut. Is the Sun weary of this bloudy sight,
Lieut. And winks upon us with his eye of light?
Lieut. 'Tis an Eclipse. This was unkind, O Moon,
Lieut. To clap between me, and the Sun so soon.
Lieut. Foolish Eclipse! thou this in vain hast done;
Lieut. My brighter honour had Eclips'd the Sun:
Lieut. But now behold Eclipses two in one. [Exit.
Johns. This is an admirable representation of a Battel, as ever I saw.
Bayes. I, Sir. But how would you fancie now to represent an Eclipse?
Smi. Why, that's to be suppos'd.
Bayes. Suppos'd! Ay, you are ever at your suppose: ha, ha, ha. Why, you may as well suppose the whole Play. No, ​it must come in upon the Stage, that's certain; but in some odd way, that may delight, amuse, and all that. I have a conceipt for't, that I am sure is new, and, I believe, to the purpose.
Johns. How's that?
Bayes. Why, the truth is, I took the first hint of this out of a Dialogue, between Phœbus and Aurora, in the Slighted Maid: which, by my troth, was very pretty; though, I think, you'l confess this is a little better.
Johns. No doubt on't, Mr. Bayes.
Bayes. But, Sir, you have heard, I suppose, that your Eclipse of the Moon, is nothing else, but an interposition of the Earth, between the Sun and Moon: as likewise your Eclipse of the Sun is caus'd by an interlocation of the Moon, betwixt the Earth and Sun?
Smi. I have heard so, indeed.
Bayes. Well, Sir; what do me I, but make the Earth, Sun, and Moon, come out upon the Stage, and dance the Hey: hum? And, of necessity, by the very nature of this Dance, the Earth must be sometimes between the Sun and the Moon, and the Moon between the Earth and Sun; and there you have both your Eclipses. That is new, I gad, ha?
Johns. That must needs be very fine, truly.
Bayes. Yes, there is some fancie in't. And then, Sir, that there may be something in it of a Joque, I make the Moon sell the Earth a Bargain. Come, come out Eclipse, to the Tune of Tom Tyler.
Enter Luna.
Luna. Orbis, O Orbis,
Luna. Come to me thou little rogue Orbis.
Enter the Earth.
Orb. What calls Terra firmà, pray?
Luna. Luna that ne'er shines by day.
Orb. What means Luna in a veil?
Luna. Luna means to show her tail.
Enter Sol.
Sol. Fie, Sister, fie; thou mak'st me muse,
Sol. Dery, dery down,
Sol. To see thee Orb abuse.
Luna. I hope his anger 'twill not move;
Luna. Since I did it out of love:
Luna. Hey down, dery down.
Orb. Where shall I thy true love know,
Orb. Thou pretty, pretty Moon?
Luna. To morrow soon, ere it be noon,
Luna. On Mount Vesuvio. [Bis.
Sol. Then I will shine.
Orb. And I will be fine.
Luna. And we will drink nothing but Lipary wine.
Omnes. And we, &c.
Bayes. So, now, vanish Eclipse, and enter t'other Battel, and fight. Here now, if I am not mistaken, you will see fighting enough.
A battel is fought between foot and great Hobby-horses. At last, Drawcansir comes in, and kills 'em all on both sides: All this while the Battel is fighting, Bayes is telling them when to shout, and shouts with 'em.
Draw. Others may boast a single man to kill;
Draw. But I, the bloud of thousands, daily spill.
Draw. Let petty Kings the names of Parties know:
Draw. Where e'er I come, I slay both friend and foe.
Draw. The swiftest Horsmen my swift rage controuls,
Draw. And from their Bodies drives their trembling souls.
Draw. If they had wings, and to the Gods could flie,
Draw. I would pursue, and beat 'em, through the skie:
Draw. And make proud Jove, with all his Thunder, see.
Draw. This single Arm more dreadful is, than he. [Exit.
Bayes. There's a brave fellow for you now, Sirs. I have read of your Hector, your Achilles, and a hundred more; but I defie all your Histories, and your Romances too, I ​gad, to shew me one such Conqueror, as this Drawcansir.
Johns. I swear, I think you may.
Smi. But, Mr. Bayes, how shall all these dead men go off? for I see none alive to help 'em.
Bayes. Go off! why, as they came on; upon their legs: how should they go off? Why, do you think the people do not know they are not dead? He is mighty ignorant, poor man; your friend here is very silly, Mr. Johnson, I gad; he is. Come, Sir, I'l show you go off. Rise, Sirs, land go about your business. There's go off for you. Hark you, Mr. Ivory. Gentlemen, I'l be with you presently. [Exit.
Johns. Will you so? then we'l be gone.
Smi. I, pr'ythee let's go, that we may preserve our hearing. One Battel more would take mine quite away. [Exeunt.
Enter Bayes and Players.
Bayes. Where are the Gentlemen?
1 Play. They are gone, Sir.
Bayes. Gone! 'Sdeath, this last Act is best of all. I'l go fetch 'em again. [Exit.
1 Play. Pox on't, this will never do: 'tis just like the rest. Come, let's be gone. [Exeunt.
Enter Bayes.
Bayes. A plague on 'em both for me, they have made me sweat, to run after 'em. A couple of senceless rascals, that had rather go to dinner, than see this Play out, with a pox to 'em. What comfort has a man to write for such dull rogues? Come Mr. ——— a ——— Where are you, Sir? come away quick, quick.
Enter Players again.
Play. Sir, they are gone to dinner.
Bayes. Yes, I know the Gentlemen are gone; but I ask for the Players.
Play. Why, an't please your worship, Sir, the Players are gone to dinner too.
Bayes. How! are the Players gone to Dinner? 'Tis impossible: the Players gone to dinner! I gad, if they are, I'l make 'em know what it is to injure a person that does 'em the honour to write for 'em, and all that. A company of proud, conceited, humorous, cross-grain'd persons, and all that. I gad, I'l make 'em the most contemptible, despicable, inconsiderable persons, and all that, in the whole world, for this trick. I gad, I'l be reveng'd on 'em; I'l sell this Play to the other House.
Play. Nay, good, Sir, don't take away the Book; you'l disappoint the Town, that comes to see it acted here, this afternoon.
Bayes. That's all one. I must reserve this comfort to my self, my Book and I will go together, we will not part, indeed, Sir. The Town! why, what care I for the Town? I gad, the Town has us'd me as scurvily, as the Players have done: but I'l be reveng'd on them too; I will both Lampoon and print 'em too, I gad. Since they will not admit of my Plays, they shall know what a Satyrist I am. And so farewel to this Stage for ever, I gad. [Exit.
1 Play. What shall we do now?
​2 Play. Come then, let's set up Bills for another Play: We shall lose nothing by this, I warrant you.
1 Play. I am of your opinion. But, before we go, let's see Haynes and Shirley practise the last Dance; for that may serve for another Play.
2 Bayes. I'l call 'em: I think they are in the Trying-room.
The Dance done.
1 Play. Come, come; let's go away to dinner. [Exeunt omnes.