# Familiar Colloquies/The Sober Banquet

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THE SOBER BANQUET.
Albert, Bartholine, Charles, Dennis, Æmilius, Francis, Gyraldus, Jerom, James, Laurence.
Al. Did you ever in your life see anything more pleasant than this garden 1 Ba. I scarce think that there is a pleasanter spot of ground in all the Fortunate Islands. Ch. I cannot but fancy myself viewing that paradise that God placed Adam in. De. Even a Nestor or a Priam us might grow young again if they were here. Fr. Nay, ​THE SOBER BANQUET. 349 if a man was dead it would fetch him to life again. Gy. If it was possible I would add to your hyperbole. Je. Upon my word, all things look wonderfully pleasant. Ja. In short, this garden ought to be dedicated with a drinking match. La. Our James speaks much to the purpose. Al. This place has been formerly initiated with such ceremonies. But I would have you observe by the way, that I have nothing here to make you a dinner, except you will be content with a collation without wine. I will treat you with lettuces without either salt, vinegar, or oil; here is not a drop of wine but what flows out of this fountain. I have here neither bread (to eat with the salad) nor cup (to drink out of). And the season of the year is such that it is more proper for feeding the eyes than the belly. Ba. But I suppose you have got playing tables or bowls; we will dedicate the garden with playing, if we cannot with feasting. Al. Since there is such a set of .jolly fellows of us met together, I have something to propose as to the consecration of the garden that, I am of opinion, you will confess is far before either gaming or banqueting. Ch. What is that] Al. Let every one furnish his quota, and I dare engage we shall have a noble and delicate feast. jEm. What can we furnish, that are come hither itnprovided? Al. Unprovided, who have your intellectuals so well furnished ! Fr. We long to hear what you would be at. Al. Let every one produce the neatest obser- vation that his week's reading has furnished him with. Gy. Very well proposed; nothing can be more agreeable to such guests, such an entertainment, and such a place. Do you begin, we will all follow you. Al. If you agree to it I will not stick out. I was mightily pleased to-day to find so Christian-like a sentence in a man who was no Chris- tian; it was that of Phocion, a man than whom there was not a more divine one, nor more regardful of the public utility in all Athens. When he had been invidiously sentenced to death, and was about to drink his poison, being asked by his friends what message he had to send to his children, he answered, he only required of them that they would ever banish this injtiry out of their memories. Ba. You will scarce find an example of such notable patience amongst either the Dominicans or Franciscans. And I will present you with one instance that is something like this, though it does not come up to it. Aristides was very like Phocion for integrity, so that the common people gave him the surname of the Just; which appellation raised him so much envy, that this good man, that deserved so well of the commonwealth, was banished for ten years from his native country. When he under- stood that the people were offended at nothing but that appellation, though that had always been to their advantage, he patiently sub- mitted. Being in banishment, his friends asking him what punish- ment he wished to the ungrateful city, he replied, I wish them nothing, but so much prosperity that they may never once remember Aristides. Ch. I wonder that Christians are not ashamed of themselves, that are in a rage upon the occasion of every trifling affront, and will have revenge, cost it what it will. The whole life of Socrates, in my opinion, is but one continued example of temperance and patience. And that I may not be scot-free, 1 will mention one instance that ​350 FAMILIAR COLLOQUIES. pleases me above the rest. As he was going along the king's highway a saucy fellow hit him a slap on the face; Socrates said nothing to him, but his friends that were with him advised him to be revenged on him. To which he replied, What would you have me do to him ? They replied, Arrest him in an action of assaxilt and battery. A foolish story, indeed, says he. What, says he, suppose an ass had given me a kick, must I sue him upon the same action, and subpoena you for evidences of the injury offered ? intimating that that saucy fellow was no better than an ass, and that it was the part of a mean soul not to be able to bear such an affront from a numskull as he would from a brute animal. The Roman history is not so well stored with instances of moderation, nor so remarkable; for, in my opinion, he does not deserve the praise of moderation that strenuously labours to bring haughty persons under subjection, and then spares them when they are in his power. But yet I think it deserves to be related what Cato the elder said when Lentulus spit in his face and threw snot in it. He said nothing to him but this, Hereafter I shall have an answer ready for them that shall say, You are a man that have no mouth (Os); for the Latins used to say, That he that has no shame in him has no Os ; so that the joke depends upon the double meaning of Os (which signifies the mouth and the countenance). jEm. One man is pleased with one thing, and another with another. But among Diogenes's sayings, which are all excellent ones, none charms me more than the answer he made to one that asked him what was the best way to be revenged on an enemy ? Says he, By approving yourself an honest good man. I cannot but admire how so divine a thought could ever come into his mind. And, methinks, the saying of Aristotle is agreeable to St. Paul's notion who, being asked by a certain person, What advantage his philosophy afforded him? answered him, That by reason of it he did those things voluntarily which other persons did by constraint and for fear of the law. For St. Paul teaches that those who are endued with the love of Christ are not under the subjection of the law, in that they do more of their own accord than the law can influence them to do for fear of punishment. Fr. Our Saviour, when the Jews murmured against him, because he had communion at the table with publicans and sinners, answered them, The whole have not need of a physician, but those that are sick. That which Phocion in Plutarch wittily answered, when he was reprehended because he had patronised a person infamous and of an ill character, is not very different from this : Why should I not, says he, when no good man stands in need of such a patronage. Gy. That is a pattern of Christian goodness, and according to the example of God himself, to do good both to good and bad as much as may be, for He causes His sun to shine upon the just and unjust. And perhaps an example of moderation in a king will be more admirable. When Demochares, the nephew of Demosthenes, was sent ambassador to Philip, King of Macedon; and having obtained of him what he desired, being about to have his audience of leave, was courteously asked by the king if there was anything else he requested of him; he answered, Yes, that he would hang himself. This unhandsome answer was an argument of hatred. He to whom this affront was offered was a king, and a worthy one too; but for all that he did not fall into a ​passion, but only turning to the ambassador's retinue, said, Do you report this to the people of Athens, and then let them judge which has the greater soul of the two, I who heard this patiently or he who spoke it saucily. Where are now our monarchs who think themselves equal to the gods themselves, and for a single word spoken over a glass of wine will immediately wage war? The thirst of glory is very impetuous, and many are carried away by the violence of it. One of that number put the question to Socrates, Which was the shortest way to get a good reputation? To whom he answered, If you shall behave yourself like such an one as you would be accounted to be.
Ja. In troth, I do not know what could be said more concisely and to the purpose. A good name is not to be obtained by wishing for, but is a concomitant of virtue, as infamy is of improbity. You have been admiring of men; but the Laconian maid charmed me, who being to be sold at a sale, the person who was to buy her came to her and asked her, If I buy you, will you be honest? She answered, Yes, I will, whether you buy me or not; intimating that she retained an affection to honesty, not upon the account of any other person, but was honest of her own inclination, and upon this notion, that virtue was its own reward.
La. A very manly saying, indeed, for a maid! But after all, this, in my opinion, is an example of constancy against fortune flattering to the utmost degree, that when three extraordinary felicities were related to Philip of Macedon on the same day that he had won the prize in the Olympic Games; that his general, Parmeno, had overcome the Dardans in a battle; and that his wife Olympia was brought to bed of a son, lifting his hands up to heaven, he prayed that God would be pleased that so mighty a prosperity might be expiated by a small adversity.
Al. Now-a-days there is no prosperity so great, that any one fears the invidiousness of fortune; but is so puffed up if any good luck happens to him, as if Nemesis were either dead, or at least deaf. Well, if you like this dinner, this garden shall entertain you as often as you will, since you have consecrated it with this conversation that is no less pleasant than profitable. Ba. In short, Apitius himself could not have furnished a more dainty entertainment; so that if you like what we have brought, you may depend upon our company often, which things, indeed, are not worth your hearing, but are such as came into our minds without any premeditation; but when we have time to think beforehand, we will afford you something more exquisite. Al. You shall be so much the more welcome.