# The Conversion of St. Vladimir/Canto 7

Illustrated by Věnceslav Černý
CANTO VII
Ministerial Conference
That night the ministerial corps At secret cabinet session Discussed the topic of a god,— Which was a rare digression.
On one point they were all agreed, For all of them maintained Without a god the common herd Could never be restrained.
Aside from this agreement Their differences were wide; Since to each weighty problem There is another side.
While the progressives favored A salary from rents, The mossbacks advocated Pay from emoluments.
The Prime Minister now arose, His colleagues to address: “We must, as is the custom, Announce it through the Press;
“So that, according to our rules, Contestants may apply From whom our Tsar can pick out One who may qualify.”
The Minister of Foreign Affairs Now gave a guarded hint That also foreign papers, Should the announcement print,
Since there was not a native With ability or skill With whom this great position They, with confidence, could fill:
“We cannot use a novice— We must have one well tried; One highly recommended, Able and dignified.
“Nor must we stint our roubles For the honor of the State, We dare not wrong impressions In foreign lands create.”
The Minister of Finance, With penury beset, Urged that by public auction The job of god be let.
“Whoever makes the offer To take the smallest pay, Shall, disregarding fitness, Be hired, without delay.
“But ere we sign a contract Conditions we’ll insert That churchly gold and silver Must to our mint revert.
“So that with our obligations Our bonds be kept at par, This is a financial problem; All the rest is—caviar.”
Now the Minister of Buildings Argued that they must arrange Into military barracks Every monast’ry to change.
By this coup the Tsar’s possessions Greatly would accumulate, Ere they place in his position The prospective candidate.
​“It is my sincere opinion,” Said the Minister of Laws, “That in all of our announcements We insert the following clause:
“‘The incumbent must agree to Punish every lying dolt— Or whoever bears false witness— With his mighty thunderbolt.’
“For the rabble, in it’s folly Might betray the royal court— Perjure itself, disobey us— Of the Tsar make wanton sport.”
But the Chief of Education Ventured forth to this effect: That they, to perform god’s duties, Some fair widow should select.
She may choose as an assistant, Which they gladly will permit Perhaps a howling dervish, Or some wily Jesuit.
Thus they could run the office At a much lower price, Since he himself, if need be, Would help with his advice.
He slyly calculated That he would soon control Widow, as well as office— Which was his secret goal.
Now came the Minister of War And said: “I recommend That one of our old generals God’s office should attend.
“Inured to regulation, He will subordinate His will to our Tsar’s wishes,— Save money for the State.
“The one who is best suited Is Marshal Comispeer, For he can fill the peasants With terror and with fear.
“And then, as greater safeguard, To the outfit we may add Some clever literary And theologic lad.
“Thus we will Church and Army Bring under one command, And discipline the Clergy— That contumacious band.”
The Minister of Safety, Devoid of argument, As last, sent his proposal, A well sealed document—
Since the police in darkness Delights to prowl and prey In surreptitious manner, It shuns the light of day.
​Though it was sealed and secret What the Safety Chief advised, These were his recommendations, As everyone surmised:
Confession, absolution, Jesuits, Latin prayer; Teach people moderation In daily drink and fare.
As bait: a bit of heaven, Some swollen-throated saint— From high up comes all power— And devils for restraint.