# The Young Moslem Looks at Life/Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE
HOME AND THE FAMILY
Sir, our Young Men's Moslem Association is to hold its regular weekly meeting next Sunday afternoon at two o'clock at my house, and we should be very pleased if you and your Memsahiba would come and be our guests."
"Delighted," I replied in response to this interesting and cordial invitation from Sayyid Ibrahim, a modern young Moslem of Aligarh, who held M.A. and LL.B. degrees from the university there, and who was having a struggle to get his practice of law started in a city where the legal profession was already overcrowded.
"We are to have a discussion," he went on to say, "which I think you will mid very interesting. We are going to discuss the question of bringing our wives out of purdah, for most of us are married, and have had modern education, and some but not all of us feel the time has come to reform our family life in this respect. We shall be so glad if you will both come and help us by your presence. Many of us younger men are looking forward to the time when we shall be able to take our wives out freely with us as you Europeans do, and the presence of the Memsahiba ​with you in our meeting will give encouragement to some of the timid members of our group."
challenging the "purdah" system
On the appointed day we took our way through the narrow streets of that Oriental city, whose houses with their high, blank, unwindowed walls facing the public roads were substantial brick and mortar witnesses to that blighting custom of secluding women that for centuries has prevailed through the world of Islam. Back of the custom, of course, lies the rationalizing idea that the modesty and protection of women require it. But through the course of centuries it has worked such havoc with the home and family life of the Moslems, and particularly with the women, by keeping them in a state of virtual imprisonment, that it is not surprising that the younger generation of both men and women are beginning to rebel and to seek for some respectable way of escape from the absurd requirements of a seventh century religious law, which now stands in the way of progress in these modern times. Little wonder that Sayyid Ibrahim, B.A., LL.B., and his young friends were making every effort to break through their orthodox Moslem society, or evade its conventions, so that they might establish their families in houses where the doors and windows would be open on all sides to admit the fresh air and the health-giving, purifying sunlight; where their wives and their children might know the joy of a normal mingling of the sexes in proper social ​gatherings; and where the girls would have the advantages of modern education just as their brothers do.
The house of Sayyid Ibrahim where the Sunday meeting of the Y.M.M.A. was to be held was an old-fashioned, Oriental building in the heart of the most ancient part of the city. It was thoroughly out of keeping with the modern dreams and aspirations of this group of young social and religious revolutionaries; nevertheless, it formed an interesting and appropriate setting for such a discussion as we were to hear, because of those very elements of contrast which it provided so strikingly. On our arrival I was escorted into a large room in the men's apartments, where some chairs were arranged for the meeting which was to take place, while the Memsahiba was led by our host into the women's apartments to meet his mother, his young wife, and his sisters. They could not appear before men who were not of their family, and as a stranger I was not permitted to enter their part of the house, nor was it considered proper on my part even to look in that direction.
Before the members arrived, Sayyid Ibrahim and I walked in the enclosed courtyard outside the large drawing room where the meeting of the Y.M.M.A. was to be held. Here he told me more about his family, while the Memsahiba visited in the zenana, or women's quarters. He reminded me that he belonged to one of the oldest and very best Moslem families of the city. His father and mother were both old, and of course were jealous of their good name as orthodox ​followers of the Prophet. For the most part they strictly observed the Moslem religious and social laws, but his father in late years had adopted a more liberal attitude, and had even insisted that his youngest daughter, Ibrahim's sister, should go to the girls' middle school which had recently been opened by the city authorities. However, she had to go in a carefully curtained horse carriage, as purdah must be strictly maintained. Perhaps the father even might be willing to let Fatima come out of purdah, but her mother would not hear of it. For to go with one's face wholly uncovered was to proclaim to the city that one was a bold, bad girl, and she would never let people say that about her Fatima. What a disgrace it would be to the family! But it was something to have Fatima in school, and he was thankful that even this much of a step in advance had been taken by his family.
Furthermore, Sayyid Ibrahim pointed out that their family had taken a strong stand against polygamy. His father had had only one wife, and he was himself strongly determined never to take more than one. He said it was so much better for the family, and pointed to the many cases he knew of in the city among their acquaintances and even relatives, whose family difficulties were complicated by serious feelings of jealousy, and even by quarrels among the co-wives, because of the Islamic law which permits a man to take four wives.
"But," said Ibrahim, "these men forget that the Prophet very wisely attached an important condition ​to this matrimonial permission, which says that a man may take four wives only on condition that he can treat them all alike. But who can do that? And so we modern Moslems think that the Prophet really meant that we should follow the rule of marrying but one wife. What is more," he went on to say, "our family has given up the practice of child marriage; my wife was seventeen when we were married, and I was twenty-three. Among the Moslems who have been influenced by modern views of life, the age of marriage is constantly rising."
"Is your wife an educated woman?" I ventured to inquire.
"Not so well educated as I could wish," he replied. "She has studied through the middle school, and knows a little English, but I wish she knew more than she does. However, if she were to come out of purdah so that she could meet with other educated women among the Christians, both Indians and Europeans, I think she would soon pick up a lot of useful information and complete her education in that way. Perhaps when I move to the new house out in the suburbs, which my father is building for me, then I can gradually bring my wife out of purdah. But as long as we live here with father and mother they will not listen to it.
"And we are very anxious to get into our new house, too," he added, "for another reason, and that is so that my wife will be able to live more in the open than she can here. These old-fashioned houses ​are death-traps for women. They have to live inside there," pointing to the women's apartments, "with only a little sun in the veranda and in the courtyard. Often our women get tuberculosis from such seclusion. I had a sister who died from it, and my wife is not strong, and I fear greatly that if we continue to live here she may get it, too. It will mean everything for our future happiness when we can get off in a house by ourselves, for I am convinced," said Ibrahim, "that the only way to improve family life in the Moslem community is to do away with the purdah system."
At this point Sayyid Ibrahim led the way back into the large drawing room, with its curious mixture of Oriental and Western furnishings, where the members of the Y.M.M.A. had assembled. After introductions I chatted for a time with these interesting young men, while our host went into the women's apartments to call the Memsahiba to hear the discussion which had been promised us.
It was an unusual occasion for these young people as well as for their visitors. The young men had invited the Memsahiba to come in order that they might see how a woman out of purdah conducts herself, and they were losing no time in making every observation possible, while the Memsahiba was none too comfortable at being the center of attraction. The attention of the assembly, however, was soon drawn to the chairman, who opened the discussion of the day with a few appropriate remarks, and called on members to rise ​and express their views freely on the subject, "Resolved, that the purdah system should be abolished."
Interestingly enough most of the thirty young men present indicated that they belonged to the reform party of Islam, and for all the various and obvious reasons that could be adduced they were in favor of this far-reaching innovation in Islam. They made it clear that as soon as they had it in their power to do so, and when they were free from the powerful restraints of their conservative families, they would surely bring their own wives out of purdah.
But there was a minority which opposed the proposition from deep conviction. They held that the law of Islam was sacrosanct. It was from God himself, and had been delivered to Moslems and the world by God's prophet, Mohammed. It was not for men to amend this divine law, and to do so would be to endanger the very foundations of their religion. The purdah system had been established in order to protect the chastity of women, and to safeguard the family. Remove it and Moslem family life would be ruined by the laxity and license which would creep in. After all, women did not need all this modern education. Their place was in the house, and there they should stay, and tend to their household duties of cooking and looking after the children.
There was no surer way of ruining the religion of Islam and wrecking Moslem society, the minority went on to say, than to give women the unlimited freedom that would come from abolishing purdah. If the ​honorable opponents did not believe this, all they had to do was to visit the moving picture shows and see with their own eyes the unthinkable and highly improper things that were taking place among the women and men of the Western countries where there is the greatest freedom of the sexes. If they wanted this sort of social condition to grow up in Moslem lands, then they would surely see it when the purdah system was abolished. On the other hand they felt that the only way for society in so-called Western Christian countries to be redeemed was for Islam to be established there, and for the purdah system to be adopted!
These remarks from the minority produced much applause, as well as hearty laughter, while the meeting adjourned with the best of feeling, and with the resulting consciousness that it is in the family life of Moslem society that some of the most vital and fundamental problems arise. In fact in this house of Sayyid Ibrahim and in the discussion held there by those young men we have the setting and the statement of the most important issues of home life found in Moslem countries everywhere.
In the first place it should be noted that Islam does not know the word "home." They use "house" instead, and as there is a difference in the words, so is there a vast difference in the meaning attached to them. And yet the home and family life, such as they are, form the basis of the Moslem social life all the way through, except where reformers are trying to work a change. Segregation of the sexes and seclusion ​of women are two of the cardinal principles of Moslem home and social life.
marriage in islam
Marriage is not one of the requirements laid down for a good Moslem, but it is a state that is highly recommended. All men and women are expected to get married. If a person is not married in due course, there must be something seriously wrong. But while men and women are expected to marry, they are not expected to fall in love, become engaged, ask the consent of the girl's parents, fix the date for the wedding, and then marry. It is not according to the law of Islam and the customs of our people, Moslems would say. No respectable young man or young woman would ever be permitted to do this. The parents of the boy and girl, usually through the agency of a third party, make the arrangement. The engagement is celebrated by an exchange of gifts. The young man is not supposed to see his wife-to-be until the day of their marriage, although she can see him from behind the veil which hides her from him. Love matches are not associated with respectable people where the law of the Prophet prevails.
In commenting on the changes in marriage customs that are taking place in Iran, Mrs. Herrick B. Young of Teheran, Iran, writes:
A Moslem is never married in a church or mosque. From the time that Iran was conquered by the Arabs and Islam imposed upon the people until very recently, the Moslem ​priests have been the legal as well as the religious authorities. To perform the marriage ceremony was one of their exclusive rights. Today regulations have been so changed that recently two converts from Islam were married by a Christian clergyman in the mission chapel with a Christian ceremony. What a change from the old days, when often the bride was forced into the marriage knowing her husband to have other wives, or to be twice her age.
But let me describe the typical Moslem wedding of my good friend and former pupil in the Teheran Girls' School—Fatima Ahi. When we arrived we were ushered through a passageway into the courtyard.
I wish I might give you the feel of it all at once. Excitement, gayety, flowers, fountain, music, dancing, bowings, twitterings, smiles—and yet all with a dignity, a ceremoniousness, a suppressed noisiness that seems only to be achieved by the Oriental. In the center of the court is a lovely pool with a playing fountain, surrounded by flowers blooming in a dignified formal border. A row of chairs with a table in front of every second one is ranged primly around three walls of the garden, the ones at the back facing the veranda of the house. French doors open off this porch into a reception room. Although there are vacant chairs in the garden we are honored by being ushered into the drawing room or, as they call it, the guest room. The room is arranged in the same formal manner as the garden, chairs lining the walls, small tables in front of them. There is a mantel decked in bright silk and holding stiff bouquets. There is a center table covered with a beautifully embroidered red felt on which is a basket of flowers, cut and wired in the conventionally stiff Persian style. There is an empty chair just under the mantel which we feel with excitement is intended for the bride.
The bride's sister is leading us and we crowd by the seated dowagers to our places very near the chair. After ​a time the bride's mother comes in to shake hands and welcome us. She must be everywhere on this important occasion just as the mother of an American bride always feels it her duty to be. She motions to a servant to bring us tinkling glasses of iced fruit juice. Before long, tea is served in glasses placed in exquisite silver holders. We help ourselves to the cakes, sweets and nuts from the table in front of us. Strains of music come to us from the group of players at the other end of the garden. Presently two dancers come up the pathway and into the crowded room to give an exhibition in what space there is left.
Suddenly we notice the bride's sister motioning us to come into another room. This is unusual and seems a bit mysterious since we are singled out from the whole roomful. We rather embarrassedly edge our way down the line of tables and are greeted in the next room by the mother, who says, "We thought perhaps you had never seen this part of the ceremony and would be interested. The other guests won't expect an invitation for often the vow takes place several days before the reception. Fatima is all ready and will be here in a moment. Afterwards we will take her to the guests to receive their congratulations." We murmur our thanks and sit waiting another half hour.
At one end of this room there is a high gilt-framed mirror resting on the floor. Then the bride arrives, dressed in white satin with flowing tulle veil crowned with artificial orange blossoms. She is accompanied by her sister and the costumer hired for the occasion to help her dress and to apply her make-up. They help her get down on her knees in front of the mirror, arranging the lovely wedding dress in such a way that she can sit back on her heels in the ordinary Persian fashion when on the floor. Soon a turbaned priest is ushered in, a colorful patriarch with his beard dyed with henna, flowing robe, and bright green sash (denoting his direct descent from the prophet Mohammed). ​He kneels, taking the same position but several feet behind the bride, and chants several phrases from the Koran.
We wait breathless and expectant, for we are perhaps as eager to see the groom as is he to see his bride. Of course he has never seen her and she is not supposed to have seen him—though fleeting glimpses she has had. When he arrives he too kneels in front of the mirror, reaches for the hand of the bride and looks in the mirror at the shy and lovely creature, while the priest begins another chanted prayer, which fortunately for them lasts only a few moments. The ceremony is over and the groom withdraws to his own home where his male friends and relatives are being entertained in honor of the occasion; the bride is conducted to her chair under the mantelpiece and showered with rose-petals and tiny white sweets. There is more music and dancing. More tea and ices are served and the bride is the center of attention as the guests come to wish her well.
While the marriage age for girls in Moslem lands is rising with the spread of education, yet there is still a vast amount of child marriage among girls. This is especially true of the Moslems of India. Wherever women doctors are to be found in the Moslem lands, they have many sad stories to tell of the tragedies in girl life that are found because of this practice of child marriage.
Another ancient Moslem institution that is being widely discussed and criticized today is polygamy. Moslem women are speaking out, and in their conferences in India, for example, are boldly denouncing ​it. As a matter of fact, since Turkey lias abolished polygamy, and sentiment is growing against it in other countries as well, the practice is becoming discredited in the countries where the rule of the Koran prevails, and the evidence goes to show that plural marriages are on the decrease among Moslems today. As Western education spreads in Moslem lands there is little doubt that the harem system will die out, that monogamy will tend to supplant polygamy, and that thus a gradual improvement in the home life will result.
divorce
The divorce problem is a very real one in Islam, as it is in Christian lands. Just as man has the greater freedom in the matter of social life and in marriage, so he has had a larger freedom than woman in the matter of divorce. And divorce in Islam for the man has been a comparatively simple matter. One Moslem writer confesses with shame that in some quarters there is a tendency for men to divorce their wives as they would cast off their old clothes. They simply invoke the sanction of Islamic law, declare three times in the presence of the wife, "I divorce you," and that is the end of it. There is in such cases no legal inquiry; no proof of misconduct on the part of the woman is required. The man may do as he pleases. "Legally, he should give her a sum of money equal to one-third of her dowry, but frequently she is unable to get this. Her only recourse is to go back to her ​relatives; sometimes she has none." However, in the case of the very wealthy Moslem, where the dowry has been a substantial sum, this legal stipulation often discourages quick-tempered husbands from divorcing their wives on the spur of the moment.
Under certain conditions a woman may divorce her husband, but this is done very rarely, and the general belief in Islam is that divorce is a one-way procedure. Present-day Turkey provides an exception in the matter of divorce, for here a European divorce code has been adopted.
religious education of children
A way in which the devout Moslem home surpasses many a Christian home is in the matter of religious education. This is something in which devout Moslem parents take the greatest care. First of all there is the matter of the parent's own example. If the father and mother can read the Koran, it is one of their prime duties to set an example to the children. The prayers must be faithfully observed, and they must be said at the proper times at home by the mother, even if the father goes to the mosque for his.
When a boy is about six, he is placed in the care of a tutor, or sent to the nearest mosque school where the elementary rules for reading the Arabic Koran are taught. Little by little the lad advances in reading and memorizing sections of the Koran, until by the ​time he has reached twelve years of age he will have finished reading the holy Koran through for the first time, and have committed considerable portions of it to memory. In honor of the occasion of his having completed the first reading of the Koran the father will often give a party to a large number of friends, and a poem in celebration of the event will be read by one of the local poets.
At the same time the boy is being instructed by his father and tutor in the principles of Islamic faith, and in the essential religious duties. He is taught the meaning and value of ceremonial ablutions before prayer. Then he is shown just how to wash his feet and hands, and to go through the prayer ritual. Finally when he has reached the age of twelve or fourteen he will go with his father to the mosque, and there join with the other men in the prayers.
celebration of holy days
The celebration of the Moslem holy days is carefully observed in the home and this has a profound effect on the children. The Feast of Sacrifice is commemorated regularly each year in every devout Moslem home, when a sheep, or a goat, or a cow or even a camel is sacrificed. Special prayers are said, and it is a time of feasting. For this occasion, as well as for the feast which follows the month of fasting, the men dress in their best clothes and go to the special place of worship that is provided outside the city. Usually they take with them their children, who have ​also been dressed in gay garments for the occasion. Greeting cards are sent out and received by the family on the occasion of these great religious festivals, and nowadays even highly decorated telegram forms are used for the same purpose. The houses are decorated just as is done in the West at Christmas, and the young people especially rejoice in the good times.
Another special day celebrates the birth of the Prophet, and children are encouraged to recite poems in his honor, and to attend public meetings where he is praised. Still another special occasion is the Night of Record, celebrated with fireworks, when it is believed that God records all the actions of men that will be performed during the coming year, and the names of those who are to be born and to die.
A ceremony which undoubtedly leaves a great and lasting impression on the minds of children is the celebration of Muharram, when the death of the first martyrs of Islam, Ali, Hasan and Husain, is solemnly commemorated with deep feeling. Especially is this the case among the Shiites. Their particular hero is the martyred Husain, who fell on the field of Karbala in what is now Iraq. With great emotion, poems in honor of Husain are recited, and many devotees will lash their bare backs with chains and even swords, until blood streams to the ground and they fall down exhausted. The elaborate and gaily colored representations of the tomb of the martyr are carried through the streets in a huge procession accompanied by thousands. The sight of such a large concourse of ​people celebrating one of the great events of Islam fixes firmly in the hearts of the young people who observe it a deep reverence for those who have given their lives for the faith, and died fighting in the way of Allah.
amusements
What part, it may be asked, do amusements play in the family life of Moslems? How, when, and where do they seek their enjoyment? To begin with it may be said that Moslem children play games and enjoy them just as children do anywhere. They have their own varieties of games of tag, marbles, and cards. Where Western civilization has left its impress the Moslem youth in the schools and colleges of India, Iran, Syria, Turkey and Egypt go in for hockey, football, tennis, cricket, baseball, basketball and track with the greatest of zest. They may and do play card games, but gambling at cards or on horse races is forbidden to a good Moslem. Yet because of the influence of the West these temptations are daily becoming more difficult for the Moslems of the great cities to face.
The dance among orthodox Moslems is regarded as a very immoral practice. In Indian Moslem circles mixed dancing between the sexes is considered immodest, immoral and—well, simply unthinkable. In Turkey, Iran, Egypt and the more modern countries of the Moslem world the situation is quite different. With the unveiling of the women dancing has been ​encouraged as a means of bringing the wives into mixed society.
Music and the drama come in a different category and much time is spent in listening to good singers or trained musicians. In these modern times the phonograph is extensively used for entertainment at home and in public, and the records reveal the talent of the best Moslem singers and orchestras. The more pious prefer the musical chant of selections from the Koran. Dramatic performances draw large crowds of both men and women, a special place screened off for the latter being provided in the theatres. And of course the Moslems go to the "movies" and "talkies." Too often the picture is one of Hollywood's worst, and the immoral and unwholesome effect produced is bad both as a debasing example and because of the impression the Moslem gains of the West.
But the crowning amusements are those found in connection with the religious feasts, at weddings and at celebrations of the birth of a son. It is then that young and old put on their best clothes and make merry with feasting and song. At the homes of the wealthy, hundreds are fed on such occasions; and if it is a wedding, everyone in the city knows about it because of the music which is heard day and night while the guests are present.
As we conclude our survey of Moslem home life, we must remember that the ideal for the home can never rise higher than the prevailing religious ​sanctions in respect to marriage and divorce. As long as marriage is regarded as a kind of slavery in which the wife is considered the servant of her husband instead of his equal; as long as he requires her implicit obedience to his will, provided it is not contrary to the laws of Islam; as long as he may marry four wives, and keep as many concubines as he can afford; as long as he may divorce his wives at will and marry others in their place; as long as a man can do these things and still be considered a good Moslem, just so long will the Islamic conception of home and family be wholly inadequate to meet the requirements of these modern times.
Wherever we find exceptions to this statement—and the number of homes where better conditions are found is increasing in almost every Moslem land the improvement must be attributed to Christian ideals. Radical changes are taking place today in spite of the forces of tradition and conservatism. The process of rebuilding society and the reconstruction of religious thought so as to bring Islam up to date constitute two of the major concerns of the reformers in India, Egypt, Iran, Syria, and Iraq, to say nothing of Turkey. Moslems themselves now realize with increasing force that the old wineskins simply cannot any longer hold the new wine without bursting.
* ↑ Adapted from "An Iranian Wedding," in Women and Missions, December, 1936.
* ↑ What Is This Moslem World?, by Charles R. Watson. New York, Friendship Press, 1937.