# Familiar Colloquies/The Unequal Marriage

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THE UNEQUAL MARRIAGE.
Petronius and Gabriel.
Pe. Whence is our Gabriel come with this sour look ? What, is he come out of Trophonius's cave? Ga. No, I have been at a wedding. Pe. I never saw a look in my life that had less of the air of a wedding in it ; for those that have been at weddings use to look cheerfully and airily for a whole week after, and old men themselves to look younger by ten years. What wedding is it that you have been at ? I believe at the wedding of death and the cobbler. Ga. Not so, but of a young gentleman with a lady of sixteen, who has all the accomplishments that you can wish for, whether beauty, good humour, family, or for- tune ; in short, a wife fit for Jupiter himself. Pe. Phoo ! what, so ​young a girl to such an old fellow as he ? Ga. Kings do not grow old. Pe. But what makes you look so melancholy then? It maybe you envy the happiness of the bridegroom, who has rivalled you. Ga. Pshaw, there is nothing of that in the matter. Pe. Well, then, has anything happened like what is related of the Lapithse's feast ] Ga. No, not so neither. Pe. What then, had you not wine enough ? Ga. Yes, and too much too. Pe. Had you no pipers? Ga. Yes, and fiddlers too, and harpers, and trumpeters, and bagpipers. Pe. What was the matter then ? Was not Hymen at the wedding 1 Ga. They called loudly for him with all this music, but to no purpose. Pe. Were not the Graces there neither? Ga. Not a soul of them, nor bridemaid Juno, nor beautiful Venus, nor Jupiter Gamelius. Pe. By my troth, you tell me a story of a dull wedding indeed, an ungodly one, or rather an unmarried marriage. Ga. You would have said so, indeed, if you had seen it. Pe. Had you no dancing at it ? 6'. No, but we had wretched limping. Pe. What, had you no lucky godship at all to exhilarate the wedding ? Ga. No, not one there but a goddess that the Greeks called Psora. Pe. Why, you give me an account of a scabby wedding indeed. Ga. Nay, a cankered and a pocky one. Pe. But prithee, friend Gabriel, tell me what makes the remembrance of it fetch tears from your eyes ? Ga. Ah, dear>Petro- nius, it is enough to fetch tears from a flint stone. Pe. I believe so, if a flint-stone had been present and seen it. But, prithee, what extraordinary mischief is this ] Do not hide it from me, nor keep my expectation any longer in suspense. Ga. Do you know Lampi'idius Eubulus ? Pe. Yes ; there is not a better nor happier man in the city. Ga. Well, and do you know his daughter Iphigenia too 1 Pe. You have mentioned the very flower of the age. Ga. She is so; but do you know who she is married to ] Pe. I shall know when you have told me. Ga. She is married to Pomponius Blenus. Pe. What, to that Hector that used to talk folks to death in cracking of his bxllying tricks 1 Ga. To the very man. Pe. He has been for a long time very noted in this town for two things chiefly i.e., lying and the mange, which has no proper name to it, though, indeed, it has a great many. Ga. A very proud distemper, that will not strike sail to the leprosy the elephantine leprosy tetters, the gout, or ringworm, if there was to be an engage- ment between them. Pe. So the sons of Esculapius tell us. Ga. What need is there, Petronius, for me to describe to you a damsel that you are very well acquainted with, although her dress was a great addition to her native beauty. My Petronius, you would have taken her for a goddess had you seen her. Everything in her and about her was graceful. In the meantime out comes our blessed bridegroom with his snub nose, dragging one leg after him, but not so cleverly neither as the Switzers do ; itchy hands, a stinking breath, heavy eyes, his head bound up with a forehead-piece, and a running at his nose and ears. Other people wear their rings on their fingers, but he wears his on his thighs. Pe. What was in the mind of the lady's parents to join such a daughter to a living mummy 1 Ga. I cannot tell, except it was with them as it is with many more that have lost their senses. Pe. It may be he was very rich. Ga. He is very rich, indeed, but it is in the debts he owes. Pe. What greater punishment ​could they have inflicted upon the maid if she had poisoned her grandfathers and grandmothers, both of the father's and mother's side ] Ga. Nay, if she had scattered her water upon the grave of her parents, it would have been a punishment bad enough to have obliged her but to have given a kiss to such a monster. Pe. I am of your mind. Ga. I look upon it a greater piece of cruelty than if they had stripped their daughter naked, and exposed her to bears, lions, or crocodiles ; for these wild beasts would either have spared her for her exquisite beauty, or put her out of her pain by a quick despatch. Pe. You say right ; I think this is what would have become Mezentius himself, who, as Virgil tells us, bound dead bodies to living ones, hands to hands, and mouths to mouths. But I do not believe Mezentius himself would have been so inhuman as to have bound such a lovely maid to such a carcase as this ; nor is there any dead body you would not choose to be bound to, rather than to such a stinking one j for his breath is rank poison, what he speaks is pestilence, and what he touches mortifies. Ga. Now, Petronius, imagine with yourself what a deal of pleasiire she must needs take in these kisses, embraces, and nocturnal dalliances.
Pe. I have sometimes heard persons talk of unequal matches ; that may certainly with the greatest propriety be called an unequal match, which is, as it were, setting a jewel in lead. But all this while I stand in admiration at the virgin's courage ' } for such young damsels are frightened out of their wits at the sight of a fairy or a hobgoblin. And can this damsel dare to embrace such a carcase as this in the night-time ? Ga. The damsel has these three things to plead in her excuse the authority of her parents, the persuasion of her friends, and the inexperiencedness of her age. But I am amazed at the madness of her parents. Who is there that has a daughter never so homely that would marry her to a leper 1 Pe. Nobody, in my opinion, that had a grain of sense. If I had a daughter that had but one eye, and but one leg, and as deformed as Thersites was, that Homer speaks of, and I could not give her a penny for her portion, I would not marry her to such a son-in-law as he. Ga. This pox is more infectious and destructive than the worst of leprosies ; it invades on a sudden, goes off, and rallies again, and frequently kills at last, while the leprosy will sometimes let a man live, even to extreme old age. Pe. Perhaps the parents were ignorant of the bridegroom's distemper. Ga. No, they knew it very well. Pe. If they had such a hatred to their daughter, why did they not sew her up in a sack and throw her into the Thames ? Ga. Why, truly, if they had, the madness would not have been so great. Pe. By what accomplishments did the bridegroom recommend himself to them 1 Was he excellent in any art 1 Ga. Yes, in a great many; he is a great gamester, he will drink down anybody, a vile whoremaster, the greatest artist in the world at bantering and lying, a notable cheat, pays nobody, revels prodigally, and, in short, whereas there are but seven liberal sciences taught in the schools, he is master of more than ten liberal ones. Pe. Sure, he must have something very extra- ordinary to recommend him to the parents. Ga. Nothing at all but the glorious title of a knight. Pe. A fine sort of a knight that can scarce sit in a saddle for the pox ! But it may be he had a great ​estate. Ga. He had once an indifferent one; but by his living so fast has little or nothing left, but one little turret from whence he makes incursions to rob passengers j and that is so illy provided for entertainment that you would not accept of it for a hog-stye. And he is always bragging of his castles, and fiefs, and other great things, and is for setting up his coat of arms everywhere. Pe. What coat of arms does his shield bear 1 Ga. Three golden elephants in a field gules. Pe. Indeed an elephant is a good bearing for one that is sick of the elephantiasis. He must, without doubt, be a man of blood. Ga. Rather a man of wine ; for he is a great admirer of red wine, and by this means he is a man of blood for you. Pe. Well, then, his elephant's trunk will be serviceable to him. Ga. It will so. Pe. Then this coat of arms is a token that he is a great knave, a fool, and a drunken sot ; and the field of his coat of armour represents wine, and not blood, and the golden elephant denotes that what gold he had has been spent in wine. Ga. Very right. Pe. Well, what jointure does this bully settle upon his bride ? Ga. What ? why, a very great one. Pe. How can a bankrupt settle a large one 1 Ga. Pray, do not take me up so short ; I say again, a very large one a thundering pox. Pe. Hang me if I would not sooner marry my daughter to a horse than to such a knight as he. Ga. I should abundantly rather choose to marry my daughter to a monk, for this is not marrying to a man, but to the carcase of a man. Now, tell me, had you been present where this spectacle was to be seen, could you refrain from teai-s? Pe. How should I, when I can- not hear it without 1 Were the parents so abandoned to all natural affection as to throw away their only child, a virgin of such beauty, accomplishments, and sweet conditions, by selling her for a slave to such a monster for a lying coat of arms ? Ga. But this enormous crime, than which you cannot find one more inhuman, cruel, or unlike a parent, is made but a jest on now-a-days by our people of quality; although it is necessary that those that are born for the administration of the affairs of the government should be persons of very sound and strong constitutions : for the constitution of the body has a great influence upon the mind ; and it is not to be doubted but this disease exhausts all the brains a man has, and by this means it comes to pass that our ministers of state have neither sound minds nor sound bodies. Pe. It is not only requisite that our ministers of state should be men of sound judgment and strong constitutions, but men of honour, and goodly personages. Although the principal qualifications of princes are wisdom and integrity, yet it is of some considerable moment what the form of his person is that governs others : for if he be cruel, the deformity of his body will expose him the more to envy. If he be a prince of probity and piety, his virtue will be rendered more conspicuous by the amiableness of his person. Ga. That is very true. Pe. Do not people use to lament the misfortune of those women whose husbands soon after their marriage fall into leprosies or apoplexies ? Ga. Yes, and that with very good reason too. Pe. What madness is it, then, voluntarily to deliver a daughter over into the hands of a leper ? Ga. Nay, it is worse than madness. If a nobleman has a mind to have a good pack of hounds, do you think ​he would bring a mangy scoundrel cur to a well-bred bitch 1 Pe. No ; he would with the utmost diligence look for a dog that upon all accounts was of a good breed, to line her, that he might not have a litter of mongrels. Ga. And if a lord had a mind to have a good breed of horses, would he admit a diseased good-for-nothing stallion to leap a most excellent mare 1 Pe. No, he would not suffer a diseased stallion to enter his stable door, lest he should infect other horses. Ga. And yet at the same time they do not matter what sort of a son- in-law they give their daughters to, from whom those children are to be produced that are not only to inherit their estates, but also to govern the state. Pe. Nay, a country farmer will not suffer any bull to leap a young cow, nor every horse his mare, nor every boar to brim his sow ; though a bullock is designed for the plough, a horse for the cart, and a swine for the kitchen. See now how perverse the judgments of man- kind are. If a poor fellow should presume to kiss a nobleman's daughter they would think the affront a foundation enough to go to war upon. Pe. And very hotly too.
Ga. And yet these persons voluntarily, knowingly, and deliber- ately give up the dearest thing they have in the world to such an abominable monster, and are privately unnatural to their own flesh and blood, and publicly to their country. Pe. If the bridegroom does but halt a little, although as to anything else he is perfectly sound, how is he despised fora husband ! And is the pox the only thing that is no inconvenience in a married life 1 Ga. If any man should marry his daughter to a Franciscan, what an abominable thing would it be accounted ! what an outcry would there be, that he had thrown his daughter away ! But yet, when he has pulled off that dress, he has every way well-made sound limbs ; while the other must pass her days with a rotten carcase, that is but half alive. If any one is married to a priest, he is bantered on account of his unction; but one that is married to one that has the pox has one whose unctions are worse by abund- ance. Pe. Enemies that have taken a maid captive will not be guilty of such barbarity as this ; nor will kidnappers themselves to those they have kidnapped away ; and yet parents will be guilty of it against their only daughter ; and there is no magistrate ordained to prevent the mischief. Ga. How should a physician cure a madman, if he has a spice of the same distemper himself. Pe. But it is a wonder to me that princes whose business it is to take care of the commonwealth only in those things which relate to the body, of which nothing is of greater moment than the health of it, should find out no remedy for this evil. This egregious pestilence has infected great part of the earth, and" in the meantime they lie snoring on, and never mind it, as if it were a matter not worth their notice. Ga. Have a care, Petronius, what you say as to princes. But hark you, I will tell you a word in your ear. Pe. Oh, wretched ! I wish what you say were not true. Ga. How many diseases do you think are caused by bad wine, a thousand ways sophisticated ? Pe. Why, if we may believe the physicians, they are innumerable. Ga. Well, and do the ministers of state take any care of the matter. Pe. They take care enough as to the collecting the excise, but no further. Ga. She that knowingly marries a husband that is not sound, perhaps may deserve to suffer the punishment she has brought upon herself; ​although if it were my fortune to sit at the helm, I would banish them both from civil society. But if any one married one that was infected with this disease, who told her he was a sound man, and I were chosen pope, I would make this marriage void, although it had been confirmed by a thousand contracts. Pe. Upon what pretence, I wonder ? for marriage legally contracted cannot be disannulled by any human power. Ga. What 1 ? Do you think that legally contracted which is contracted treacherously ? A contract is not valid, if a slave palms himself upon a maid for a freeman, and she marries him as such. She that marries such a slave marries an errant slave ; and her slavery is so much the more unhappy, in that the lady Psora never makes any- body free ; that there is no comfortable hope of ever being delivered from this slavery. Pe. Indeed, you have found out a colour for it. Ga. And besides, there can be no such thing as marriage but between those persons that are living ; but in this case a woman is married to a dead man. Pe. You have found out another pretence. But I suppose you would permit pocky folks to marry pocky, that, according to the old proverb, there might be like to like. Ga. If it was lawful for me to act for the good of the public, I would suffer them to be married together, but I would burn them after they were married. Pe. Then you would act the part of a tyrant, not of a prince. Ga. Do you account a surgeon to be a tyrant who cuts off some of the fingers, or burns some part to preserve the whole body ] I do not look upon that to be cruelty, but rather mercy. And I wish this had been done when this distemper first appeared in the world ; then the public welfare of mankind had been consulted by the destruction of a few. And we find examples of this in the French histories. Pe. But it would be a gentler way to geld them, or part them asunder. Ga. And what would you have done to the women, pray ? Pe. I would padlock them up. Ga. That is one way, indeed, to prevent us from having more of the breed ; but I will confess it is a gentler way, if you will but own the other to be safer. Even those that are castrated have an itching desire upon them ; nor is the infection conveyed by one way only, but by a kiss, by discourse, by a touch, or by drinking with an infected party. And we find also that there is a certain malicious disposition of doing mischief peculiar to this distemper, that whoso- ever has it takes a delight to propagate it to as many as he can, though it does him no good. Now, if they be only separated, they may flee to other places, and may either by night impose upon persons, or on them that do not know them. But there can be no danger from the dead. Pe. I confess it is the safest way, but I cannot tell whether it is agreeable to Christian gentleness or no.
Ga. Prithee, tell me, then, from whom is there the most danger, from common thieves or from such cattle 1 Pe. I confess money is of much less value than health. Ga. And yet we Christians hang them, nor is it accounted cruelty, but justice ; and if you consider the public good, it is our duty so to do. Pe. But in this case the person is punished that did the injury. Ga. What, then these, I warrant you, are benefactors to the public 1 But let us suppose that some get this distemper without any fault of their own, though you will find that very few have it that do not get it by their own wickedness : the lawyers will tell you it is sometimes lawful to put the innocent to ​death, if it be very much for the good of the public ; as the Greeks, after the taking of Troy, put Astyauax, the son of Hector, to death, lest he should set a new war on foot : nor do they think it any wickedness to put a tyrant's innocent children to death after they have slain the father. And do not we Christians go to war, though at the same time the greatest share of the calamities falls on those persons that least deserve them 1 He that does the injury is saved, and the greatest part of the calamities falls upon those persons that least deserve them. And it is the same thing in our reprisals or letters of marque; he who did the wrong is safe, and the merchant is robbed, who never so imich as heard one word of it, he is so far from being chargeable with the fault. Now, if we make use of such remedies as these in things of no great moment, what think you ought to be done in a matter of the greatest conse- quence ? Pe. I am overcome by the truth of your arguments. Ga. Then take this along with you too. As soon as ever the plague begins to appear in Italy, the infected houses are shut up, and the nurses that look after the sick are forbidden to appear abroad. And though some call this inhumanity, it is the greatest humanity ; for by this prudent care the calamity is put a stop to by the burials of a few persons. But how great humanity is it to take care to preserve the lives of so many thousands ? Some think it a very inhospitable thing for the Italians, when there is but the bare report of a pestilence, to drive travellers from their very gates in an evening, and force them to lie all night in the open air. But for my part, I account it an act of piety to take care of the public good at the inconvenience of a few. Some persons look upon themselves very courageous and complaisant in daring to venture to visit one that is sick of the plague, having no manner of call at all to do it ; but what greater folly can there be than by this courage, when they come home, to bring the distemper to their wives and children, and all their family? What can be more unkind than by this complaisance to a friend, to bring those persons that are the dearest to you in the world into the danger of their lives 1 But then again, how less dangerous is the plague itself than the pox 1 The plague frequently passes by those that are nearest, and seldom affects the old, and as to those that it does affect, it either despatches them quickly or restores them to their health much sounder than they were before. But as for the pox, what is that but a lingering death, or, to speak more properly, burial ? Pe. What you say is very true, and at least the same care ought to be taken to prevent so fatal an evil as they take to prevent the spreading of the leprosy; or if this should be thought too much, nobody should let another shave him, but be his own barber. Ga. But what will you say if both of them keep their mouths shut? Pe. They would take the infection in at their nostrils. Ga. But there is a remedy for that too. Pe. What is it? Ga. They may do as the alchemists do, they may wear a mask with glasses for eyes to see through, and a breathing place for their mouths and nostrils through a horn which reaches from their jawbones down to their back. Pe. That contriv- ance might do pretty well if there were no danger from the touch of the finger, the linen, the combs, and the scissors. Ga. But, however, I think it is the best way to let the beard grow, though it be even down to the knees. Pe. Why, I am of that mind too. And then let there ​be an act of Parliament that the same person shall not be a barber and a surgeon too. Get. But that is the way to starve the barbers. Pe. Then let them spend less, and be something better paid for shaving. Ga. Let it be so with all my heart. Pe. And let there be a law made, too, that nobody shall drink out of the same cup with another. Ga. They will scarce be confined to that in England. Pe. And that two shall not lie in the same bed, unless they be husband and wife. Ga. I like that very well. Pe. And then as to inns, let no stranger sleep in the same sheets that another has lain in before. Ga. But what will you do then with the Germans, who scarce wash them twice a year ? Pe. Let them employ washerwomen. And, besides, let them leave off the custom of salut- ing with a kiss, although it be of an old standing. Ga. But then as to the churches? Pe. Let every one hold his hand before his mouth. Ga. But then as to common conversation 1 Pe. Let that direction of Homer be observed, "Not to come too near the person he talks too, and let he that hears him keep his lips shut." Ga. Twelve tables would scarce contain all these laws, Pe. But in the meantime, what advice do you give for the poor unfortunate girl? Pe. What can 1 give her but this, that unless she likes being miserable (she be so as little as she can), to clap her hands before her mouth whenever her husband offers to kiss her, and to put on armour when she goes to bed with him. Ga. Whither do you steer your course when you go home 1 ? Pe. Directly to my closet. Ga. What are you going to do there? Pe. They have desired me to write an epithalamium ; but instead of it I will write an epitaph.