# Chinese Life in the Tibetan Foothills/Book 1/Chapter 3

CHAPTER III
Marriages 婚姻 Hun Yin.
Betrothal may take place very early; friends will sometimes betroth their unborn children.
Marriage with one of the same family name is forbidden by law; but such marriages do take place when there is a different ancestry, 同姓不同宗 t‘ung hsing pu t‘ung tsung.
A male go-between is called 媒 mei, and a female is 灼 cho. Marriages are said to be arranged by 父母之命媒灼之言 fu mu chih ming mei cho chih yen, "Parents' will and middleman's words." The children are supposed to have nothing to do with the arrangements, but in fact their likes and dislikes count for a good deal.
Another name for the go-between is hung-yeh 紅葉 red leaf. The term originated in the T‘ang dynasty. A female palace-slave whose life was made bitter by her imperial mistress wrote her troubles on a red leaf and threw this into the moat. A young scholar got it and forwarded a reply in the same romantic way. Later some of the slaves were married off by imperial orders, and the girl fell to the lot of the scholar without their knowing till afterwards that they had been the corresponding parties.
Preparing the horoscope before marriage is called k‘ai pa tzū 開八字, preparing the eight characters. These characters give the year, month, day and hour of birth. The ​saying is, "The man's horoscope is never false; the woman's never true." A fortune-teller is called in to examine the girl's horoscope, and if he finds it is an unlucky one it will be falsified before being reported to the family with whom a marriage is sought.
It is said that in the time of Han Wên Ti 漢文帝 a barbarian chief wished for marriage relationships with the Chinese. The Chinese professed willingness, but warned the barbarian Man-tzŭ that it would be unlucky for them if marriages were made with unsuitable horoscopes. They were then able to decline marriage on the ground that 八字不合 pa tzŭ pu ho, the horoscopes do not agree. To this day, in refusing a proposal of marriage the people almost always say jên k‘ên hun pu k‘ên 人肯婚不肯 "We are willing but the horoscope is not."
The parents who seek a bride for their son first find a middleman, or more likely he finds them. They ask him to take presents to the home of a certain girl and to beg that her horoscope may be sent them for examination. The middleman has probably already paved the way, and he soon brings back the horoscope, which is put on the family altar for from 3 to 8 days to see if anything happens, good or bad. If a bowl is broken during this time, or something lost, or a cat or dog dies, the horoscope is promptly returned as being unlucky. This is called t‘ui hung kêng 退紅庚. If on the contrary some piece of luck befalls during this period, an astrologer is called in to examine the two horoscopes and see if they agree. The comparison may show upper, middle or lower degree of suitability. If the boy's parents are satisfied with the horoscope they send the middleman to the girl's parents to say they feel quite unworthy to be related to such an exalted family, but since there was such condescension they were willing to fix the agreement hsia p‘in shu 下聘書, hui hua 囘話, or ch‘a hua 插花. Much depends on the go-between, and as it is difficult to prevent bribery there is great need for caution and private enquiry.
The girl's parents reply 寫允書 hsieh yün shu, generally saying their daughter is weak and useless, but they are willing ​to give her to the others' exalted son to wife. Samples of the girl's needlework and embroidery are also sent for the boy's parents to inspect.
The lad's parents then draw up the hun shu 婚書 or form of agreement, leaving a blank space for the girl's name and other particulars about her. A lucky day is selected and presents of silk, chickens, ducks, etc., prepared. The go-between takes these to the girl's home, and asks that the particulars about the girl may be filled in on the hun shu. This done, he worships at the family shrine in the girl's home, using incense and candles specially bought for the occasion. Then presents are returned in the same box which brought the others, and the middleman or a representative of the girl's family worships at the shrine in the boy's home.
On the agreement are written the characters 天長 t‘ien ch‘ang above the boy's horoscope, and 地久 ti chiu above the girl's. The meaning is that the agreement is as lasting as heaven and earth. It is really as binding as any known in China, and the saying is that a lawsuit about a marriage agreement or about land will go through eighteen courts before being settled. Other proverbs are 說給猪跟猪走說給狗坐地守 "If engaged to a pig you must go its way; if to a dog you must sit down and bear it." And 說給呌化子提沙鍋也要跟到披蓆片. "If engaged to a beggar, pick up the earthenware bowl and follow the sleeping-rags."
In some cases when a family has become poor after betrothal and before the wedding, a girl will cut off her hair in the bridal chair, which results in her being sent home again. After this her only resource is to become a nun; yet even in the temple she may still be claimed by her betrothed at any time. In cases where parents wish to break off an engagement because the other family has become poor a lawsuit is certain. One man in such a case was bound down not to take a wife for his son till he had sent his daughter to her betrothed: thus cutting off the line of succession and putting both families on the same footing.
The home which is to receive the bride gets a fortune-teller to fix a lucky day; he also arranges the hour for every movement of hers. This is called k‘an nien yüeh 看年月, ​and the announcement of the date to friends is süng 送 nien-yüeh. This may be sent some months beforehand, after which presents are sent in, accompanied with music and flags.
When the date of the marriage is fixed the times for the following are also arranged: the day for cutting the bride's clothing; the day for placing the bed in position; the hour for 開臉 k‘ai lien, or pulling out the hair on brow and neck to make the bride look older; and the time for putting up her hair. Till marriage all girls wear the hair in a queue; just before marriage it is put up in a coil at the back of the head. In asking if a girl is engaged it is common to ask if she has put her hair up or not, 上梳 shang liu. Times are also fixed for treading on the bushel; when she shall take leave of the family idols; when she must leave the parental roof; when she shall worship at the family shrine in her new home; and when the bridal cup shall be shared by the young couple. This partaking of the cup is called chiao pei chiu 交杯酒; it may be a cup of wine, tea or not a cup at all but a piece of squash, which they pull apart and both eat; it is their mutual pledge. All these times are fixed by the astrologer, are written on red paper and are announced to the bride's parents when the presents are sent, so that they may prepare accordingly.
Furniture, (chairs, bed, cupboard, etc.), are prepared by the bride's parents, quality and quantity depending on the family's means. The things are often given over to the bridegroom's representatives some days before the wedding, so that the bed may be placed in position on a lucky day.
The wedding things include tea-cups and tea-pot, flower vases, clothing for bride and bridegroom, etc., etc. A well-to-do bride will perhaps have hundred or more garments, besides bedding, curtains, mirrors, etc., more than she can use in a lifetime. The silversmith has to make bangles, chains, earrings etc., and so great is the expense of marrying a girl off that the saying goes, ch‘ien nü ju fên chia 遣女如分家, "Marrying a daughter is like dividing the inheritance."
In some places some young, fat pigs are driven along together with the bridal outfit; in other parts animals of various kinds are sent afterwards as part of the dowry.
​The bridegroom's parents invite his friends for the night before the marriage 花夜 hua yeh; they dress him, put on his ceremonial hat, deck his hair with flowers, put red cloth round his shoulders, and afterwards, in good families, he feasts them. Then he makes obeisance to his parents and worships at the family altar.
When the wedding day has come the groom's friends invoke the family gods and send off the middleman, accompanied by a relative, to bring home the bride, 娶親 ch‘ü ch‘in. They take with them a flowered sedan-chair, a band of flute-players with gongs, flags, and ceremonial umbrellas. They take besides the following articles: two eggs, to comfort the bride's forehead after the pulling out of the hair; two plaits of hair to be used in putting up the bride's hair, to make it look more; a large sheet of red paper to cover the bushel on which she must tread; a large piece of red cloth or silk for a veil; one big and one small comb, said to be used only this once; a bundle of five-coloured silk threads for dressing the bride's hair; a pot of oil for her toilet, a red cord for her hair, cosmetics, colouring for the lips, bandages for the feet, etc. These all go before or with the deputation which fetches the bride. The materials for her dresses or money to buy them are delivered earlier unless other arrangements have been made, but generally the bride's home provides most of her clothing and ornaments.
She takes leave of her ancestors 拜家神 pai chia-shên, by worshipping at the family shrine, and 辭祖宗 tz‘ŭ tsu-tsung, and makes obeisance to her parents. The mistress of ceremonies throws down a bundle of chopsticks 丟筷子 tiu k‘uai-tzŭ before the altar as evidence that the bride renounces her maiden home and will henceforth eat the rice of another.
Then the bride is dressed, on a carpet, and under a canopy of red cloth; the materials just brought from the bridegroom's home being used.
Her toilet finished, and the veil being put over her, a bushel full of unhulled rice is placed in the doorway and covered with red paper, and she is made to tread on it, 出閣踏斗 ch‘u kuo t‘a tou. After this she has to be carried ​out and put into the flowered chair at the door. The unwillingness of brides at this point has become proverbial,—na-ko hsin-jên k’ên shang chiao 那個新人肯上轎. "What bride was ever willing to enter the chair?"
She carries in the chair with her a foot-rule, scissors, a brass mirror and some five-coloured threads: these are to protect her from demons on the road. She is tied in, and often locked in, the key being carried by the middleman or by the bridegroom's relative who has come with him.
To sit in the flowery chair makes the day of a lifetime for many a bride; and if there is only a short distance to go, they will often wish to be carried round the neighbourhood in this way, with the music, flags and umbrellas, that it may not be said of them in after years that they came in a common chair.
Before this chair is sent to bring the bride the bride-groom sacrifices to it, a stick of incense is placed at each of the four chair-poles, wine is poured on the ground at each corner, while someone kneels and worships the chair lest the hsin-jên sha 親人煞 the evil influences of brides who have used the chair before should still adhere to it.
On reaching the door of her new home the bride finds a table on which is a measure of rice with candles and incense stuck in it. The master of ceremonies calls out 女家車馬請囘轉男家車馬出來迎. "Bridal chariots please return; bridegroom's chariots come forth and receive." It is supposed that the spirits of her home escort her so far, but on entering the house she comes under the guardianship of the spirits of her husband's home.
She is received by a specially appointed person, who receives the key, gets her out of the chair and leads her to the chief room in her new home. The bridegroom, escorted by his friends, soon appears and the marriage ceremony is performed. Two candles are lighted on the altar, and the pair kneel and worship Heaven and Earth and their ancestors.They then salute one another with a bow, and at this point the husband may lift the veil and look on his bride’s face for the first time.
​A youth then carries the two candles from the altar into the tung fang 洞房 nuptial chamber very carefully, not changing the right and left hand position of the two, and letting nothing befall them. Then the groom leads the bride into this chamber, and they drink together the nuptial cup 交杯酒 chiao pel chiu. The candles are allowed to burn out. If that on the left goes out first the husband will die first; if that on the right, the wife will be first to die. A light is kept in the room all night with the idea that there will be continuous light in the home and always someone to attend to the family altar and the ancestral sacrifices.
When the pair have had a little time together they return to the chief room, where people come in turn to offer congratulations. A good deal of importance is attached to priority in doing this. Rich persons with large families are preferred. No widow or widower would be allowed to escort or receive, or to be first in congratulating. The guests bow, while the newly wedded couple kneel and knock their heads on the ground 磕頭 k'o t'ou.
At the feast which follows, men and women sit separate. The bride eats nothing the first day in her new home. All who have given presents are invited and regard it as a right.
In the evening the intimate friends of the bridegroom enter the private apartments, examine the bride's hands and feet, make rude remarks about her clothing, ability, general appearance, etc. Her clothing will be examined and tried on, but she must sit still through it all and say nothing. About midnight the visitors depart.
On or about the third day the bride returns to her parents' home, accompanied by her husband. Day and hour are fixed by the wife's parents, who send someone to meet them. A feast is prepared and guests invited to meet the bridegroom. If it rains on that day it is said the bridegroom rides a dog. The same is said of the bride if it rains on the wedding day.
There is a table with wine at the door of the bride's old home, "to stop the horses of the bridegroom," and he has almost always to drink before he can enter the house.
​The bride returns then to her new home for some ten days, and much of her future happiness depends on the way this time is passed. Then she goes to her old home for a stay of ten days, shua shih 耍十 or ten days' play; after which her new duties begin in earnest.
At the New Year the couple make presents to the husband's father, and again at the season for planting rice they send him wine; and this is the last of the marriage formalities.
The following proverbs refer to young wives 男敎嬰孩女敎初來. "The best time to teach a boy is when he is a child; the best time to teach a girl is when she is newly married." And 三天孩子娘慣的三天媳婦慣的 "In three days a mother can spoil a child, and in three days a mother-in-law can spoil a daughter-in-law."
Sometimes a girl is sent to the house of her mother-in-law while still a child, and grows up beside her future husband till they are marriageable. This class of marriage is much looked down upon by most people.
When a widow re-marries the terms used are ch'u hsing 出姓, depart from the name; ch'u men 出門, to go out of the door; tsai chia 再嫁 to marry again; tsai chiao 再醮 to drink again (the nuptial cup).
Her step-children call her hou mu 後母 or chi mu 繼母.
Marrying concubines is very common in West Ssŭch'uan, 接小 chieh hsiao or 娶妾 ch'ü ch'ieh. The limit in each case depends on the man and his purse. The saying runs 有志男兒接三妻. "The resolute man marries three wives." Of these concubines three are called wives, the fourth a concubine, the fifth and sixth are slaves, the seventh and eighth are big and little maids.
Sometimes a woman takes a husband to her home 倒住苗 tao chu miao. This is a remnant of the polyandry of the tribes.