# Familiar Colloquies/Cyclops; or, the Gospel Carrier

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CYCLOPS; OR, THE GOSPEL CARRIER.
Cannius, Polyphemus.
Ca. What is Polyphemus hunting after here 1 Po. Do you ask what I am hunting after, when I have neither dogs nor hunting-pole ? Ca. Perhaps some lady of the wood here. Po. You have guessed shrewdly ; lo, here is my hunting-net. Ca. What is this I see ? Bacchus in a lion's skin. Polyphemus, with a book in his hand; yaAij KOOKWTOV, a cat in a laced petticoat. Po. Nay, I have not only painted my book with saffron, but also with vermilion and azure. Ca. I did not speak of crocus, but I spoke Greek, crocoton. It seems to be a military book, for it seems to be armed with bosses and plates, and kings of brass. Po. Look into it. Ca. I see what it is, and truly it is very fine, but not so fine as it should be. Po. What does it want 1 Ca. You ought to put your coat of arms upon it. Po. What arms 1 Ca. The head of Silenus looking out of a hogshead. But what does it treat of, the art of drinking 1 Po. See what it is, that you do not speak blasphemy before you are aware. Ca. Why, then, is there anything in it that is sacred ? Po. What can be more sacred than the gospel ? Ca. Good God ! what does Polyphemus do with the gospel ] Po. Why don't you ask what a Christian has to do with Christ ? Ca. I do not know but that a halbert would become you better ; for if any one should meet you at sea in that figm*e, he would take you for a pirate ; or in the wood, for a highwayman. Po. But the gospel teaches us not to judge of men by outward appearance ; for as a tyrannous disposition often lies hid under a monkish habit, yet sometimes a short head of hair, curled whiskers, a stern brow, a fierce look, and a -feather in the cap, and a buff coat and breeches, cut and slashed, cover an evangelical mind. Ca. And why may it not ? Sometimes a sheep lies hid under a wolf's skin. And if we may give any credit to emblems, an ass lurks under the coat of a lion. ​Po. Nay, I have known a man cany the sheep in his face and the fox in his heart. And I wish he had as candid friends as he has black eyes, and that he had as well the value of gold as the colour of it. Ca. If he that wears a woollen hat must needs wear a sheep's head, how do you go loaded that carry a sheep and an ostrich too on your head 1 But does not he act more absurdly that carries a bird upon his head, and an ass in his breast ? Po. You bite too close. Ca. But it were very well if that gospel that you have so finely adorned did reci- procally adorn you. You have adorned it with colours, I wish it did adorn you with good manners. Po. I will make that my care. Ca. As you used to do.
Po. But omitting all reflections, do you really blame those that carry the gospel about them 1 Ca. No, by no means (minime gentium). Po. What, will you say that I am the least man in the world, that am taller than you by an ass's head 1 Ca. I do not think you are so much taller, though the ass should prick up his ears. Po. By an ox's head, I dare say. Ca. I like the comparison, but I said minime the adverb, not minime the vocative case. Po. Pray, what is the differ- ence between an egg and an egg 1 Ca. And what is the difference, say you, between the middle finger and the little finger 1 Po. Why, the middle finger is the longest. Ca. Wittily said. What is the difference between the ears of an ass, and those of a wolf? Po. The ears of a wolf are shorter. Ca. You have hit it. Po. But I used to measure long and short things by the span and by the ell, and not by the ears. Ca. Come on. He that carried Christ was called Chris- topher; and instead of Polyphemus, you, who carry the gospel, shall be called the gospel-bearer.
Po. Do you not think it a holy thing to carry the gospel 1 Ca. Not at all, unless you will allow me that asses are the greatest saints. Po. Why so ? Ca. Because one ass will carry at least three thousand such books ; and I am persuaded you would be able to carry as many yourself, if you were well hampered. Po. I think there is no absur- dity in attributing holiness to an ass because he carried Christ. Ca. I shall not envy you that holiness ; and if you have a mind to it, I will give you some relics of that very ass that Christ rode upon to kiss. Po. You will give me a very acceptable present ; for that ass was con- secrated by being touched by the body of Christ. Ca. And those persons touched Christ too that smote our Saviour on the face. Po. But come, tell me your mind seriously ; is it not a pious thing to carry the book of the gospel about one 1 Ca. It is a pious thing, if it be done sincerely, and without hypocrisy. Po. Talk of hypocrisy to monks; what has a soldier to do with hypocrisy? Ca. But first tell me what hypocrisy is. Po. When a man seems to be one thing, and is really another. Ca. But what does the cai'rying the gospel about you signify ; does it not signify a holy life 1 Po. I suppose it does. Ca. Well, then, where a man's life is not suitable to the book, is not that hypocrisy 1 Po. It seems so to be. But what is it truly to carry the gospel ] Ca. Some carry the gospel in their hands, as the Franciscans do the rules of St. Francis ; and at that rate the Paris porters, asses, and geldings may carry it as well as a Christian. SOILG carry it about in their mouths, and talk of nothing but Christ and the gospel ; this is pharisaical. Others carry it about in their hearts. He ​is the true gospel-bearer that carries it in his hands, in his movith, and in his heart. Po. But where are these 1 Ca. The deacons in the churches, who bath carry the gospel, read it to the people, and have it in their hearts.
Po. But for all that, they are not all holy who carry the gospel in their hearts. Ca. Do not play the sophist with me. A man does not carry it in his heart that does not love it with all his soul ; and nobody loves it as he ought, that does not conform to it in his life. Po, These subtleties I do not understand. Ca. I will be plainer then, If you were to carry a flagon of wine upon your shoulders, what is it but a burden ? Po. Nothing. Ca. If you hold it in your mouth and spurt it out 1 Po, I should be never the better for it, though I do not often use to do so. Ca. But suppose you take a hearty draught, as your way is 1 Po. There is nothing more divine. Ca. It warms the whole body, brings the blood into the cheeks, and makes a man look with a meriy countenance. Po. Most certainly. Ca. So it is with the gospel ; being received into the veins of the soul, it renews the whole habit of the man. Po. It may be you think, then, that I do not lead my life according to my book. Ca. Nobody can tell that better than yourself. Po. If it indeed were to be resolved after the military manner.
Ca. Suppose a man should give you the lie to your face, or call you blockhead, what would you do ? Po. What would I do ? I would give him a box on the ear. I woxild make him feel the weight of my fingers. Ca. What if he should give you a box on the ear 1 Po. Why, then, I would cut his throat for it. Ca. But your book teaches you another lesson, and bids you return good (words) for evil ; and if any one strikes you on the right cheek, to turn to him the left also. Po. I have read so, but I had forgot it. Ca. You pray often, I sup- pose. Po. That is pharisaical. Ca. Long -prayers are, indeed, pharisaical, if they be accompanied with ostentation. But your book teaches that you should pray always, but with your mind. Po. Well, but for all that, I do pray sometimes. Ca. When ? Po. Sometimes when I think of it. It may be once or twice a week. Ca. And what is your prayer 1 Po. Why, the Lord's prayer. Ca. And how often do you say it over ? Po. But once. For the gospel forbids vain repe- titions. Ca. Can you go through the Lord's prayer without thinking of anything else ? Po. J never tried that. Is it not enough that I pronounce? I cannot tell that God takes notice of anything in prayer but the voice of the heart.
Ca. Do you fast often? Po, No, never. Ca. But your book recommends prayer and fasting both. Po. I should approve of it too, but my stomach will not bear it. Ca. But St. Paul says, " that he is no servant of Christ that serves his belly." Do you eat flesh every day 1 Po. Yes, when I can get it. Ca. And you are of a robust constitution, 'that would live upon hay (like a horse) or the barks of trees. Po. But Christ says " that those things that go into a man do not defile him." Ca. Nor do they, if they be taken moderately, and without giving scandal. But St. Paul, who was a disciple of Christ, would rather starve with hunger than offend a weak brother by his eating; and he exhorts us to follow his example, and that we become all things to all men. Po. But Paul is Paul, and Polyphemus ​is Polyphemus. Ca. But it is ^Egon's office to feed she-goats. Po. But I had rather eat myself. Ca. That is a pleasant wish ; you will sooner be a he-goat than a she one. Po. But I used esse for edere. Ca. Neatly spoken. Do you give liberally to the poor ? Po. I have nothing to give. Ca. But you would have something to give if yoxi lived soberly and took pains. Po. But it is a pleasant thing to live at ease.
Ca. Do you keep the commandments 1 Po. That is a hard task, indeed. Ca. Do you repent of your sins? Po. Christ has made satisfaction for us already. Ca. How is it, then, that you make it out that you love the gospel ? Po. I will tell you ; there was a certain Franciscan with us, who was perpetually thundering out of the pulpit against Erasmus' New Testament. I caught the fellow once by himself, and took him hold by the hair with my left hand, and nubbled him so well-favouredly with my right, that you coxild see no eyes he had for the swellings. What do you say now ? Was not this done like a man that loves the gospel ? And after all this, I gave him abso- lution with this very book, knocking him over his coxcomb three times, made three bunches upon his crown, in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and so absolved him in form. Ca. This was evangelically done without question. This is, indeed, a defending one gospel with another. Po. I chanced to light upon another, a brother of his of the same order, who was still railing against Erasmus without either end or measure. My gospel-zeal moved me once again, and I threatened him so severely that I brought him to beg pardon on his knees, and confess that what he said was by the instigation of the devil. I stood over him with my partisan in my hand, looking upon him like the picture of Mars in a battle, ready to have cut off his head if he had not done it readily ; and this was done in the presence of a great many witnesses. Ca. I wonder the man was not frightened out of his wits. But to proceed, do you live chastely] Po. It may be I shall when I come to be old. But shall I tell you the truth, Cannius 1 Ca. I am no priest, and if you have a mind to confess yourself you must seek somebody else.
Po. I use to confess to God, but for once I will do it to you. I am as yet no perfect, but a very ordinary Christian. We have four gospels, and we military gospellers propound to ourselves chiefly these four things : 1st. To take care of our bellies ; 2ndly. That nothing be wanting below ; 3rdly. To have wherewith to live on ; and, lastly, To do what we list. And when we have gained these four points, we drink and sing as if the town was oxxr own, Let the gospel live, and Christ reign. Ca. This is the life of an epicure, not of a Christian. Po. I cannot deny that. But you know Christ is omnipotent, and can make us other men in an instant if He pleases. Ca. Yea, and He may make you swine too, and that seems to be an easier change than into good men. Po. I wish there were no worse things in the world than swine, oxen, asses, and camels. You may find a great many people that are fiercer than lions, more ravenous than wolves, more lustful than camels who will bite worse than dogs, and sting worse than vipers. Ca. Exit it is now high time for yoxx to txxrn from a brute to a man. Po, You say well, for I find in the prophecies of ​these times that the world is near at an end. Ca. There is so much the more reason for you to make haste to repent. Po. I hope Christ will give nie His helping hand. Ca. But do you see that you render yourself fit matter to work upon. But from whence do they gather that the world is so near an end? Po. Because, they say, people are now doing just as they did before the flood ; they are eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage ; they whore, they buy, they sell, they pawn and lend upon usury, and build ; kings make war, and priests study to increase their revenues ; schoolmen make syllogisms, monks run up and down the world ; the rabble makes mobs, and Erasmus writes Colloquies ; and, in fine, no miseries are wanting hunger, thirst, robberies, hostilities, plagues, seditions ; and there is a great scarcity of all that is good. And do not all these things argue that the world is near an end ? Ca. But of all this mass of mischiefs, which of them is it that troubles you most 1 Po. Guess. Ca. That spiders, perhaps, make cobwebs in your empty pockets. Po. As I hope to live you have hit it. I am just now come from drinking hard ; but some other time, when I am sober, if you will, we will have another touch at the gospel. Ca. And when shall I see you sober? Po. When I am so. Ca. And when will you be so 1 Po. When you see me so. And, my dear Cannikin, in the meantime all happiness attend you. Ca. And, by way of requital, I wish you may be what you are called. Po. And that you may not outdo me in courtesy, I wish the can from whence you have borrowed your name may never fail Cannius.