# McClure's Magazine/Volume 25/Number 4/Patsy Moran and the Lunatics

Extracted from McClure's magazine, 1905 August, pp. 439–448. Illustrations by May Wilson-Preston may be omitted.
PATSY MORAN AND THE LUNATICS
BY
ARTHUR SULLIVANT HOFFMAN
ILLUSTRATED BY MAY WILSON-PRESTON
THE forenoon is not the busy time of day in Devinsky's place on the Upper East Side, and the two had the dingy little back room to themselves. Moran put his glass down on the table.
“I'll tell ye the whole story, Tim,” said he. “I'm just drunk enough not to leave out annything, an' plinty sober enough not to skip anny of the details. An' I'll leave it to you if the whole pack of thim wazn't stark, starin' mad, harmless or otherwise. The job we waz to pull off togither waz at a big country place up the Sound where the silver got dints in it from bein' so crowded, and they had to keep the jewelry in the cellar where the floors waz strong. It waz her always done the head-work, I'll say that for her, an' me that tindid to the rist, but this time all that fell to me waz to float in on the scene wid me autymobile and float out agin wid the swag.
“She tuk service in the house as a maid—an' a fine, upstandin' wan she'd make—an' it waz full four months afore she dropped me the line to be at a old, deserted house by the Cross-roads, a half-mile from the place, in me autymobile at the nefarious hour of two in the marnin'. Sure an' it waz romantic-like! But I'd made a trip or two over the ground and studied road-maps till I could travel it even whin I waz sober.
“Well, whin the night come round I wint up to Chester in the train and there I rinted me a great big bollyswockin' divil of a autymobile, and set out for me rondyvoos, twinty-wan milesaway. Maybe I had a bit too much liquor afore I started—annyways I didn't have enough, so I tuk a bit wid me in a bottle.
“The first six or sivin miles slipped away like money and thin, wid no more warnin' than I'm givin' ye this minute somethin' tuk place in the insides of me autymobile. It did n't make much noise, considerin', but ye could fair hear it fall apart, and it grunted tremindous. Thin it sort of staggered over to the side of the road and died before me eyes. Now I can run a autymobile whin it runs itsilf, but I can't make wan, so I stood lookin' at it like a fool, wonderin' howiver I could walk fourteen miles by two o'clock, it thin bein' well after wan.
“All at wance there come to me ears a blissid sound—the chug-chuggin' of a autymobile whin it is gittin' steam an' standin' still. I run ahead an' sure enough, just around a bind in the road, waz a big house wid grounds, and just inside the gate waz me frind, the autymobile, makin' divil noises that sounded like angels to me. An' there waz no one in it.
Illustration: “I waz all rigged up in autymobile togs, blinders and all!”
Illustration: “'Are ye dead?' says I, me eyes bulgin'”
“Now, it had been in me mind just to ask for a bit doctorin' on me own indisposed maychine, but on the way I had another nip from the bottle and thin it seemed bist to git a new autymobile entirely an' take no chances. 'Faith,' says I, 'a man's undacint an' up to no good at all to leave a autymobile lonesome an' nayglected out in the black night. It's crazy he must be,' says I, 'but I'm hopin' his autymobile ain't.' I waz all rigged up in autymobile togs, blinders an' all, an' be this time I felt the way I looked. So I crawled up on the seat and did things to the handles. By the grace of God an' no fault of mine it wint forward instid of back, an' me an' the bottle an' the autymobile wint chuggin' an' whoopin' off into the dark, the bottle leadin' the way.
“I seem to raymimber havin' difficulties wid the autymobile—a fine big wan it waz, red as sin, an' wid wan of those stubby little coffins for a cow-catcher. There waz wance whin I recall retirin' from a bit of crumbly stone-wall across the road, an' findin' a way around it. Thin it come to me that time waz slippin' away an' I pushed a lever over till it bint, and we gained half a hour in five minutes.
“We waz runnin' alongside the railroad an' I knew that whin we come to Anisley—a lonely little shed of a station where the trains stop if ye derail thim, or know the gineral manager—I waz to turn off to the right, an' I made ready to slow up a bit. Well, we come to Anisley an' we slowed up an' we turned off to the right an' we run chock into a man in the middle of the road! The whole thing tuk about wan sicond. There he waz, in the light of me big lantern, an' he give a little squirm an' wint up in the air just afore we hit him an' thin he was on the coffin-plow, hangin' on to the idge wid wan hand and to a suit-case wid the other! An' the autymobile niver stopped goin'! Tim, I'm a liar, but I'm tellin' ye the truth. There waz a freight train thunderin' by nixt to us and he had n't heard me comin'. If he had n't jumped up on us it 'ud 'a' knocked him to flinders, an' I'd 'a' had a more peaceful night than what come to me. It didn't look so queer to me thin as it has since.
“'Are ye dead?' says I, me eyes bulgin'.
“He didn't say nothin' for a minute, sort of catchin' his breath. Thin he begun gatherin' himself into wan place on the plow, still clingin' to the suit-case.
“'Ye might have blowed your silly horn,' says he, kind of irritated-like.
“I knowed he waz a gintleman soon as he opened his mouth, but it got me dander up for him to be criticizin' me as a chawfur, an' he'd scared me considerable.
“'Ye might 'a' chose some other place for spindin' the night than the middle of the road,' says I.
“He seemed to be thinkin' it over, lookin' around first at the autymobile an' thin at me in me blinders.
“'Waz you expectin' annywan?' says he, polite.
“Thin I knowed he waz a lunytic, too, or ilse I'd knocked him silly, an' it seemed pollytic to humor him some.
“'Yes,' says I, 'I waz countin' on scoopin' up a few gintlemin from the road a bit farther on, but you come ahead of schedule. Where waz you goin', sor?'
“'I waz just goin' to climb back there an' beat the life out of ye,' says he, still polite, 'but I'm goin' to argue wid ye instid.'
“'Thank ye kindly,' says I, pushin' the lever out agin as far as it 'ud push. 'If there's wan thing I love it's an argymint. Are yea Raypublican or a Catholic, an' are ye for the Japs or agin thim?' It waz the fine, sizeable man he waz, about me own build—only if he waz a lunytic he waz bigger.
“'Yes,' says he.
“No,' says I.
“'No what?' says he.
“'No argymint,' says I, still humorin' him.
“He kind of hunched up, tryin' to look dignified widout lettin' go his suit-case or fallin' off.
“I waz about to say, whin ye interrupted, that I'm in a hurry to git to Bradley'—namin' a town about two miles beyant me rondyvoos—'and I want a lift.'
“'Ye 're gittin' it,' says I.
“How far might ye be goin'?' says he.
“'To Everdene,' says I, namin' a town three miles this side me rondyvoos, an' lyin' because I had the chanst.
“'Me argymint is this,' says the lunytic. “If ye take me on to Bradley, or most of the way, I 'll stay where I am, peaceable. If ye do not, I crawl back wid ye and we have a tussle for the handles. Which means,' says he, 'that nayther of us 'll git much of annywheres excipt kilt. An' I take it ye 're in somethin' of a hurry yersilf.'
Illustration: “'Ixcuse me,' says I, 'but it's in trouble I am'”
“'Not to git kilt,' says I, 'nor yit to git to Bradley. But since ye insist, I 'll be after bein' proud to take ye a bit beyant me destination—say to the Cross-roads, if ye know where that is.' As I told ye, he waz a sizeable man, an' I could easy take him a bit beyant me rondyvoos an' lose little time over it.
“I know,' says he, 'an' it's a fair offer. I'm yer man.'
“'Won't ye come back an' sit down?' I asks him, humorin' him some more an' hopin' he would n't.
“'Thank ye kindly,' says he, 'I 'll stay here. But here's me suit-case.'
“Between us we stowed it by me feet widout ayther of us fallin' out or wreckin' the autymobile, an' after that we didn't converse much beyant some polite remarks on the weather. We wint by the turn-off to Everdene like a Jugglenut, and I asked him would he have a drink. He would n't, bein' a lunytic, so I finished the bottle mesilf an' quit talkin.'
“At last we whizzed past the Cross-roads, an' I slowed down, he affordin' some advice as how to do it, an' let him out an' watched him start for Bradley after givin' me a William. Thin I turned around backwards an' wint back to the Cross-roads. Me luck hild an' I run the autymobile a wee bit up the road to the lift across from the house—that bein' the wan we waz to take to the railroad at Granewood—an' stopped her widout explodin'.
“After seein' by me watch that it waz just tin minutes after three or fifteen minutes after two an' observin' no signs of Lucy and the swag, I made me way to the old house an' begun lookin' through it. Nothin' doin', an' got cold all over me. Thin I took a look from a window an', be the grace of God, there waz a woman sittin' in the back of me autymobile—an' I knowed Lucy's hat! Just as I waz takin' me eyes away a man in wan of these long autymobile coats, an' wid blinders on, run out across the road from my side the pike, carryin' something in his arms. 'He may be pursuin' Lucy from the big house,' thought I, 'or the lunytic may have met him and sicked him on me.' I made a dive for the door, findin' manny other things first, an' whin I reached it this new lunytic waz just climbin' into the front seat of me autymobile, and before me very eyes he took hold the handles and away they wint, hell-headed for Granewood!
“Thin I knowed I waz holdin' the bag, and that Lucy had throwed me down for somewan ilse to divvy the swag wid. It waz all planned out careful, even to the bloke's autymobile clothes for ridin' in me own auty wid. Tim, I had n't dreamed it of her and it hurt me sore, clean apart from losin' the swag. Lucy! Think of a girl wid a nice, sweet-soundin', innocent name like that doin' a man black dirt!
Illustration: “'It's not the tremins, God hilp me!' and me heart sank”
“But it's no good stayin' in a suspicious-like neighborhood, even whin ye can't hilp bein' pure and innocent—and thin I knowed if they hang a horse-thief out West the man what stole a autymobile in the East waz like to be crucified. While I waz standin' in the side door, debatin' how to git annywheres at all, I heard another 'chug-chug.' 'Faith,' says I, 'I'm gittin' the habit!' The noise come from toward the big house. 'They 're followin' Lucy,' thinks I, 'and I hopes they git her. Be the glory of God, is it drunk I am, or are they stoppin'?' Stoppin' they waz, be spicial providence, and there waz three of thim in it. 'It looks hard to borrow, 'says I, 'but I'll talk to thim.' And out I wint, just as they come to a stop, and bowed polite, takin' off me hat.
“'Ixcuse me,' says I, 'but it's in trouble I am. A young man and a lunytic in a autycoat has just stole me autymobile, and here I am,' says I. 'Could ye be after helpin' me catch thim?'
“Wan of thim in the back seat leaned forward and I see it waz a woman. The others looked like boys, but they all had on auty-clothes.
“'Waz they togither?' says she, in a swate voice but a quick wan.
“'They waz whin they lift,' says I, bowin' agin, 'but they come siparate. It's two minutes they are on the road to Granewood. A big man and a little woman.'
“'Jack,' says she to the lad in the front seat, 'kin we catch thim?'
“'We kin catch annything,' says Jack, proud-like.
“'Git in,' says the lady to me. 'Ally stay here and watch.'
“Ally climbed out quick, like a soldier takin' orders, and I climbed in the same way, for she was the gineral of a woman and I wanted to.
“I hadn't hit the seat beside' him whin Jack turned her loose. Tim, I thought I'd moved that night, but I give ye my word it waz like bein' a Belgian block beside of this! I sat and hild me own hands for two miles. Thin I begun wonderin'. They waz after Lucy, sure, but why in the name of all that's loony is this lone woman and two boys doin' police work? And whin she learns there's a man in the game she precautionizes be leavin' wan of the boys behind. 'She's the rare-plucked wan for nerve,' thinks I, 'or ilse she's dotty.'
“She is dotty!' me reasonin' goes on, the idea comin' to me all of asuddin. 'They 're all dotty—ivry wan of thim to-night! There's a lunytic asylum for swells somewheres widin fifty miles, and they 're all broke loose to wanct and robbed a autymobile stable and are scourin' of the country for old sake's sake till the police takes thim up agin! And I'm wan of thim! And I'm wan of thim!' I kept sayin' thim last words over and over to mesilf—'And I'm wan of thim, I'm wan of thim,' just like that. The others had niver spoke a word.
“Thin the road got rougher and we wint twict as fast, and I had to let go me hands from wringin' thim and take hold the seat till it smoothed out agin. But the whole of it waz over sinful hills, and the noise we made waz drivin' me wild. At last I leaned over to Jack wid me shoulder—sure and it waz the hard thing to bring mesilf to try it!—to see if he waz real, and he waz. 'It's not the tremins, God hilp me!' And me heart sank. Right thin I took a solemn oath, that if I got out of this and iver agin wint widin tin fate of a autymobile-I'd—But while the words waz on me lips we wint round a turn in the road, and way ahead waz the dim light of the other. autymobile.
“'There she is!' says Jack, half yellin'.
“They waz the first spoken words on the trip and they done me a world of good, but that waz the ind of thim, and we just kept on gainin' slow, me feelin' worse the closer we got.
“We'd come so close we could begin to see the shapes of thim whin a awful screech rose up almost be the side of us. Whin me wits come to me I raymimbered the railroad run close to us here afore we swung off round some more hills into Granewood, but whin I took me eyes from the light and smoke of the freight engine me nerves waz jerked agin, for the other autymobile had almost stopped entirely, and waz slewin' sort of sideways from doin' it so quick. And, praise be, we waz slowin' some oursilves.
“Thin I see the man jump out, for what moon there waz waz full on thim. He said somethin' to the woman. Thin he stepped off a bit and thin he turned and run for us, wid his coat picked up about him, fair burnin' the road. I stood up, for we waz stoppin'. Somethin' caught me eye ahead, and I see the woman out on the road in the light from the big lamp of the other maychine. It looked like the auty was right on the idge of the river bridge, which waz part blocked up somehow. It waz Lucy all right, and she fair flew across the bridge and turned short into the bushes to the lift, a satchel showin' in her hand. She waz doin' him out of his share of the stuff the same as she done me. Or ilse she was a lunytic, too.
“Tim, ye till me I'm no hand for good, quick thinkin', but thin waz the time me brain worked to the good and lost no time in the doin' of it. Here come a lunytic and a fight lopin' down the road, and there wint Lucy and the swag. I see in a flash that she waz headin' for the railroad, and it waz twict as short to Granewood be the railroad as be our road, and at Granewood there would be a train to the city in no great time, though I disraymimbered the minute. Even if there waz no fight, and the lunytics waz all wishful to go on to Granewood, we stood fair to git there too late if there waz anny palaverin' afore we started, and even if we didn't Lucy waz like to stay hid if she saw all of us there to wanct. There waz but wan thing to do, and that waz to dive into the woods after her and come up with her afore she come to the station. Thin we could take that train or the nixt, or wan the other way, accordin' to circumstances and the lunytics. So I dove.
“Well, to put it brief, Tim, that blamed river wint and flowed back for half a mile atween the track and the road afore it turned off and let me git to the rails! Thin I streaked it, but niver a sign of Lucy there waz, and I come into Granewood seein' no wan, and bought me ticket and stood up agin some buildin's across the track till the train pulled in after some tin minutes waitin' and watchin'. Niver a soul showed up at the station.
“There was nothin' for it but to give up the hunt and play safe for the city. Just as I waz preparin' to step on the car the conductor passed, and for the sake of hearin' a sane man's voice I asked did the train go all the way to New York.
“That waz where I burned me cakes.
“Whin I looked to the train agin, so hilp me God, there in the door of the car stood the lunytic I had scooped up out of the road and sint on to Bradley! It must 'a' been me voice he recognized, for he'd niver seen me face be reason of the auty-blinders.
“'Ye can't git on here,' says he, polite as iver. 'Take the nixt train.' And just thin the engine started.
“'Back to yer cell!' says I, bein' brash and tired of lunytics. And wid that I swung up on the step.
“Whin I come to, the ticket agent waz pourin' water on me face. He waz a fine big man waz the lunytic. I took the nixt train.
“And that's why I'm done wid Lucy,” and Moran picked up his glass again and beat with it upon the table until a disreputable waiter came to replace it with a full one.
“It waz bad enough and more to play me crooked and go off wid another man and play him crooked and go off wid the swag, but I might 'a' stood for that if it hadn't been for the lunytics. Another night like that would see me gray-headed in me grave!”
“Yis,” said Tim, who had remained stolidly and characteristically silent while Moran talked, “there waz a lot av lunytics out that night. Here's a bit av a note Lucy bade me give yez, seein' as ye will not let her talk to yez.”
Moran's loquacity deserted him, his only response being a grunt; but he took the note, and there was silence while he absorbed the contents slowly and laboriously. It was cleanly written and went direct to the point:
Illustration: “she fair flew across the bridge”
    Patsy dear, I never got the plunder. Miss Edith caught me red-handed when I was at the silver, but she's a good fellow and told me that would be the end of it if I left the house in fifteen minutes. She didn't even notice I had on her old auto-cloak and I didn't remember it myself till after I was outside with a few things in my satchel. I was late to the Cross-roads and was so glad to see your auto that I climbed in, waiting for you. I never dreamed it was any but you that run and jumped in the front seat and went off with me. Another auto chased us and was catching up—whether they was after him or me I don't know, but I bet Miss Edith had n't peached—when our tire burst and he got out and told me not to be scared. I knew it wasn't your voice back of his goggles, though he was much your size. He thought I was some one else, too, for he sort of gasped “Good God! Who are you?” and jumped back and stood there a bit. Then he turned and run like a crazy man for the other auto, which was slowing up. I didn't know what trouble it might mean, nor where you was and I knew the only safe, sure way to catch the train to town was by the short-cut along the track, so I took my bag and run for it. The train stops at a water-tank just before the station and I waited there. Some one came along the track, and I hid and a minute later three people come down a side road and waited for the train, so I stayed hid and slipped on after some of them did.
    That's all that happened and it's true. I thought you had n't come at all—maybe because you was drunk again, Patsy, or something might have happened you. If I hadn't seen the other auto was full of people I might have thought you was in it. Where was you? Tell me, for I swear I don't know no more than I told you and it's all like a bad dream or a lot of crazy people. Let me talk to you, Patsy, for I'm terrible lonely without you and I can't have you thinking I done you a ow trick like that.
Lucy.
Moran tossed the letter on the beer-stained table with an air of bravado.
“Is she the lunytic hersilf?” he asked scornfully, “thinkin' I'm lunytic enough to belave such tale as that? Faith, I thought she had brains for a better!”
“There's more brains in the little finger av her than in yer whole big carcass,” growled Tim, not looking toward Moran, “an' she niver played no low game on no wan! Are yez goin' back to her?”
“I'm not!” Moran made answer.
“Ye 're a fool,” said Tim deliberately, and slowly picked up his hat from the chair beside him.
“Ye seem much interisted in the lady,” retorted Moran.
But Tim did not turn around on his way to the door.
Seeing that he was unobserved, Moran put the note into his pocket before he followed.
On a bright and sunny afternoon about three weeks later, Tim was walking slowly along Avenue A when a heavy hand fell upon his shoulder, and Moran's hearty voice saluted his disturbed ears.
“Faith, and it's glad I am to find ye! Where have ye been the day? Come with me to Devinsky's, man—it 's fair burstin' I am to tell ye.”
“Um,” said Tim, with nothing in his tone to suggest whether he preferred hearing the news or seeing Moran burst. But he faced about and the two started off at a pace, set by Moran, which landed them in a surprisingly short time face to face across a table in a remote corner of the gloomy little back room, lighted, even at this daylight hour, by three or four discouraged and attenuated jets of complaining gas.
Moran ordered whisky, and received two glasses of what is furnished at Devinsky's on such a request, fidgeting in difficult silence until the seedy waiter had departed. Then he began, not even stopping to take up his glass. The oversight seemed to arouse Tim's interest as nothing else had done.
“Tim,” said Moran impressively, “I've met the lunytics agin.”
“I believe yez,” replied Tim.
“Three of thim. But I 'll begin at the beginning an' work forwards and backwards so ye can follow me easy. Yisterday we waz up in the Bronx. Me and Lucy wint up there to talk it all over and git a breath of clean air while we waz doin' it.” Tim's eyes remained fixed upon the opposite wall and, as he himself would have expressed it, Moran's tongue never drew breath. “We made it all up an' I forgive her. She's the fine girl, Tim, for all she acted a bit unsensible that night wid the lunytics. Well, we wint over the whole thing an' reasoned it out, comparin' notes. An' thin she says, says she:
“Patsy, what did that woman have on?'
“Now don't be gittin' jealous, mavourneen. I niver took pains to look,' says I, feelin' proud not to be caught.
“I'm not jealous,' says she laughin', but I'm thinkin' maybe it waz Miss Edith.'
“'Holy Mother!' says I.
“'Yes,' she wint on, 'she waz up an' dressed whin I lift the big house, an' I wondered thin why it waz. Did her auty-cloak have a cape on it?'
“'It did,' says I.
“'Waz there a red linin' to it?'
Illustration: “Whin I come to, the ticket agent waz pourin' water on me face”
“'How should I know?' says I, 'but I think there waz.'
“An' a high collar and two double rows of buttons?'
“'God hilp me,' says I, 'I dunno! I waz n't thinkin' about her cloak. They waz wan of it an' that's all the rist I can remimber.'
“She just laughed again, and thin she begun askin' me questions till me head swum—what waz her voice like, an' how did she act, an' how big waz she, an' waz she a blonde or not, an' thin did it all over agin for each of the kids, an' inded up on the autymobile.
“'What did it look like?' she says.
Illustration: “Me and Lucy wint up there to talk it all over”
“It looked like the divil,' says I, promptlike, 'an' I think it waz.'
“'Waz it black?'
“'As black as he's painted,' says I. An' thin I told her some more things about it, none of thim complimintry.
“'It waz Miss Edith, all right,' says Lucy. Thin she begun thinkin' to hersilf. It always makes me nervous-like to have a woman around that ain't talkin', an' glad I waz whin she looked up at me suddin.
“'Patsy,' says she, 'I have figured it out.'
“'Sure,' I says, disgusted. 'I figured it out that same night. They waz all lunytics, Miss Edith or no Miss Edith. If Miss Edith waz n't nutty, why would she let ye go free an' welcome whin she had ye there wid the silver in yer very hands? It's surprised I am she did n't give ye a olive-spoon, or a carvin'-set, just to show her gratitude.'
“'It waz enough she had on the hands of her that night, as I'm goin' to show ye,' says Lucy, disregardful-like, 'widout foolin' wid carvin'-sets an' burglarious women. Miss Edith an' the kids wint to the Cross-roads to meet some man. She don't go autyin' at two in the mornin' just for fun. An' if she had n't been there for just that she would niver have been so anxious to follow him that she'd have took a strange man like you in wid her—meanin' no disrespect, Patsy,' says she.
“An' how did she know it waz her man that had stole me auty? Did ye notice him sindin' anny wireless messages while you waz with him, or payin' out anny wire?'
“'For manny reasons, Patsy. Wan of thim is this—she knowed he waz to be at the Cross-roads. Whin she got there he waz n't in sight, an' the only man besides yersilf she learned waz in that other autymobile. It waz little like that there waz anny more prowlin' round there at such a hour. An' agin, she knowed I waz fair sure to take that way in leavin' an' had just about long enough to git there in time to be the woman wid him. You told her the man an' woman come siparate an' wint away together. She might have thought he waz some pal of mine, but seein' you an' not seein' him, she could sort ye out quick. Meanin' no disrespect, Patsy,' says she. 'He had stole your autymobile an' she was quick enough, bein' a woman, to guess what the mix-up had been an' that me an' the man had both took each other for somewan ilse. She waz so sure that she asked no questions, an' made no bones over takin' in the pal of the woman what'd just finished tryin' to rob her house. She waz the rare wan for nerve, Patsy.'
“All lunytics is nervy,' says I, bein' sore on that 'bein' a woman.' 'Ye mean that the man thought you waz somewan ilse whin he jumped into the autymobile wid ye?'
“'Sure,' says Lucy. 'He took me for Miss Edith. I have it all reasoned out, Patsy, so listen till I'm done an' ye 'll see me explanation fit it like a glove. The man come there expictin' some wan, a woman, an' there she sat waitin' for him in a autymobile. Would he be after lookin' for annywan ilse at such a place in the middle of the night? And remimber this, Patsy—me an' Miss Edith is about of a size, an' I waz wearin' her old auty-cloak! He knowed that cloak an' belike he waz lookin' for her to come in a auty. The woman waz waitin' for somewan all right, an' whin he climbed in it it waz ready for him she seemed, an' there was no time for talkin'. Did n't he near drop dead wid surprise whin we broke down an' he jumped out an' heard my voice, an' had his first hard look at me? Thin he run for the other auty, guessin' the right woman had followed after. Don't it all sound right, Patsy?'
“'They waz lunytics,' says I.
“'They waz not,' says Lucy, 'an' here's what they done nixt. Whin they'd compared notes between thim like as not they suspicioned what you waz, Patsy, an' what I waz—annyway, they wint right on wid their elopemint.'
“They done what?' says I.
“'Wint on wid their elopemint,' says Lucy. 'Are ye blind entirely?'
“I'm not,' says I, wid dignity, 'an' I'm not a lunytic.'
“'Well,' says she, 'annyway, they wint on wid it. While you waz tryin' to cross that river an' I waz walkin' lonely along the railroad track, they waz bowlin' along in the sicond autymobile, around the long way be road to Granewood. At the water-tank I heard ye comin' an' hid in the bushes, not knowin' ye. Ye had bare gone by whin those three people come an' waited for the train. I niver give thim much heed, even whin they climbed on the train afore me, but now I know they waz Miss Edith and the man and Jack. Unless me mimory tricks me, only two of thim got on—it waz for Jack to take the auty home.'
“'Oh, it waz?' says I, not thinkin' of annything ilse at the moment. I leave it to you, Tim, did it sound reasonable?” And for confirmation of his views, Moran drew his first breath.
“She waz right,” said Tim. “The fine, long head av her!”
“Well,” replied Moran, “I saw the weak place in her argymint at wanct.”
Tim drank Moran's forgotten whisky.
“We waz in a quiet place by the river, she sittin' on a old log an' me standin' up in front of her, an' I says, countin' off the points on me fingers:
“You say nayther wan of thim misdoubted who the other waz, because no wan ilse waz like to be at the Cross-roads at such a hour of the night. Well, there waz me at the Cross-roads, that's wan; an' there waz you at the Cross-roads, that's two; an' there could just as well have been a whole lot more at the Cross-roads, that's three,' says I. Here I made a fine, big pause for me nixt words to sink in. 'And,' says I, 'there waz the lunytic what I scooped up at Anisley. Where does that lunytic come in? Waz n't he at the Cross-roads, though it waz n't long he stopped, an' how did he git from Bradley to the train at Granewood in time to knock me off of it? Mother of God, there he is!'
“And so hilp me, Tim, there he waz, an' wid Miss Edith! They had come up the path easy-like, bein' behind Lucy's back, an' me talkin'. I 'll never be as near dead on me dyin' day az I waz thin. Lucy turned round, an' the nixt sicond she waz standin' beside me, all four of us starin' at each other.
“Thin the man laughed. Thin Lucy laughed. But I kept me head an' I says, niver takin' me eyes off him:
“'Waz it a elopemint?'
“'It waz,' says he, still grinnin'. Miss Edith she just sort of colored up, pretty-like.
“'Thin,' says I, forcible, 'where is the real bridegroom?'
“What?' says he, lookin' puzzled an' not smilin'. Thin, 'Oh,' says he, 'Oh, I see,' says he, an' thin he begun laughin' agin. Thin he sat down an' laughed some more, for they waz come to the log be this time.
“'Where,' says I, niver changin' a muscle of me face, 'where is the man what took this lady to the train at Granewood? Did ye knock him off the same as me? An' how did ye iver git to Granewood annyway? Ye must have flew thim last few miles to Bradley.'
“I'm both of thim,' says he, 'an' I niver wint to Bradley.'
“'Glory be!' says I, an' thin I saw the whole thing to wanct. Do ye see how it waz, Tim? That lunytic what I got at Anisley niver had no intentions of goin' annywheres but the Cross-roads, an' whin I took him a bit beyant towards Bradley he just slipped back through the woods, took his auty-clothes out of his suit-case, jumped into the auty wid Lucy, thinkin' she waz Miss Edith, an' away they wint. It come out later that Miss Edith was to come in a auty if she could, an' afoot if she could n't, so he did n't worry none whin he noticed she waz in my auty instid of Miss Edith's.
“I waz just goin' to explain it to Lucy, whin ivrybody begun talkin' to wanct, an' I just done the same. We waz all talkin' it over sociable-like, an' ye'd niver have suspicioned that we'd tried to burglar their house an' that they waz very dogs for swell. They figured out more of what happened than what we had, an' done it quicker, havin' most of the facts. The reason he acted so queer whin I picked him up at Anisley waz that he waz expictin' a frind in a autymobile—which autymobile waz the very wan I waz in at the time, me havin' stole it from his frind just as he waz ready to start in it himsilf. Thin he lied to me the same as I waz lyin' to him. The rist is easy, because most of the rist waz about as Lucy suspicioned, though she jumped at it hasty.
“Well, Tim, we had a good laugh over the queer things of that night, an' Lucy wint an' told thim how I'd thought ivrybody waz lunytics, an' they laughed some more.
“An' thin they waz leavin' to catch a train for their new home, an' ivrybody said good-by regretful.
Illustration: “Thin the man laughed. Thin Lucy laughed. But I kept me head”
“They waz n't gone fifty fate whin Lucy, who'd said niver a word since they lift us, run after thim, an' they talked some more an' Lucy kissed Miss Edith's hand an' I wanted to mesilf.
“Whin she come back to me she waz smilin' all over, but her eyes waz kind of damp-like.
“'Patsy,' says she, 'Miss Edith says as how her husband would come down to chat wid us sometime, for he thinks you 're amusin', Patsy, if we tell him where to find us an' will burgle thim no more. An' I done it, Patsy.” Thin her eyes run over a little an' she sniffled some. An', of course, I couldn't do nothin', because there waz n't nothin' the matter excipt that she waz feelin' good.
“'An' Patsy,' says she, 'Jack has brought thim her own autymobile what she had that night, and he will take us ridin' in it.'
“'Me?' says I. 'In that? Thin they waz lunytics!' says I. An' we wint on home.
“Waz n't it the queer mix-up, Tim? Faith, I waz so interisted in the tellin' of it I didn't know I drank me whisky.”
“Yis,” said Tim.
This work is in the public domain in the United States because it was published before January 1, 1929.
The longest-living author of this work died in 1966, so this work is in the public domain in countries and areas where the copyright term is the author's life plus 57 years or less. This work may be in the public domain in countries and areas with longer native copyright terms that apply the rule of the shorter term to foreign works.
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