# A Trip to the Moon/Chapter 7

CHAP. VII.
The next Thing I went to see was a Coffee-House, where we intended to trifle away our Time till the Play-House was open: We went thither, and took our Seats at a long Table, with a Design to settle the Affairs of the Nation; for I must confess, that upon my entering the Coffee-House I found myself insensibly turn Politician, and become more concern'd to find out the Designs of One a thousand Miles distant from me, than I was about returning to mine own Country, tho' I am sure that my own Affairs were but in a very bad State when I left it.
I had just lighted my Pipe, and read a Paragraph of a Paper, in quest of Truth, where I was certain that there was an hundred to one against my finding it, when my Thoughts were turned another Way by a Company that seated themselves next to us. But before I inform against them, I will set down the Substance of a Fragment which I met with in Tckbrff's Library. It was a philosophical Account of Mens meddling with Affairs that do not belong to them, when they enter Coffer-Houses. It first prov'd that Coffee was of an hot and dry Nature, and took it for granted that it was much us'd in Houses that ​took their Names from it, as likewise that the finer Parts of the Coffee were floating in the Air which fill'd those Houses. This was prov'd, if any doubted it, by People's smelling the Coffee upon Entrance. It next enquir'd into the Nature of Politicks, and of the ordinary Discourse of Coffee-Houses, both which it prov'd to be of an hot and dry Constitution; whence 'twas inferr'd, that Coffee was the Cause of those Discourses from their Likeness. It was further hinted, that this Hypothesis of the Coffee floating in the Air, might account for those People's Behaviour who were not able to purchase a Dish of Coffee, since it is suppos'd that they are all endued with the Sense of Smelling, and that every Body knows how near the Brain, the Seat of all Sensation, the Nose is plac'd.
The Company just mention'd consisting of an He-Goat, an Hedgehog, and a Porcupine, the Matter in Debate was, whether there was any such Thing as Love; and whether any Persons ever kill'd themselves for Love. The Goat, by whose Looks and Discourse I discover'd that he was married, denied both the Questions, and said, That though History furnished us with many Instances of People that run into another World to look for a Mistress, yet a reasonable Man is not obliged to believe one Word of it, when he can assign another Cause for their so sudden Departure; as, that a Man may have his Pockets pick'd by a Female, and hang himself for the Loss of his Money, as many have done; or else, by watching for Entrance at a Back-Door, catch Cold, and spit Blood, whence silly People might think his Throat was cut; or, if a Man that was going to Sea had a Mind to learn to swim with his Cloaths on, if he should chance to be drown'd in learning, why, forsooth, he was in Love. He then argued like a Philosopher, and a married one too, from his own Experience, that there was no such Thing as Love; but what was so call'd, might be resolv'd into a De​sire of Money, Interest, Ease, or some such Principles of our Actions; and further, desir'd his Companions to consider how heartily the most profess'd and ardent Lovers hated one another in the End of their Acquaintance. The Hedgehog affirm'd, that there was such a Thing as Love, tho' not in the strictest Sense, that is, that one Person alone can be the Object of the Desires of another; and argued likewise from Experience, that he had a Dozen Mistresses at one Time, not one of which he lov'd above another: But it was his throwing down Apples in an Orchard, and then rolling himself among them, to make them stick to his Sides, that first made him be of this Opinion. The Porcupine was of his Opinion, with a Distinction, that is, that one may love a great many, tho' not in the same instant, and that if a Man should chance to meet two or three of his Beloved in one Place, and at one Time, he must love none of them for that Time, because his Love is divided, tho' he could murder himself for any one of them, consider'd separately from the rest; and for Proof of this he swore, that he would kill himself the next Day, if the first of his Charmers which he met did not use him kindly. He then call'd for a Dish of Coffee, and shot a Quill at the Wench who brought it to him; and, to confirm his Doctrine, lov'd her for half a Night, till her Master was getting up. The Clock struck, and the learned Assembly, for Reasons best known to themselves, departed. I am not well able to determine the Cause of this Company's talking of Love in a Coffee-House, unless it be that they were tir'd with Politicks, and, for Relaxation of their Minds, design'd to discourse of a softer Subject. As soon as they were gone, we began to think of the Play-House, and Tckbrff told me, that it would be proper to go thither early, that we might get a convenient Seat, for he believ'd that the House ​would be much crowded that Night; and by this, said he, a Man may judge of the People's Inclinations. The Play which is to be acted to Night is one that extenuates Vice without condemning it, and that contains all the false Arguments that can be brought in Defence of Gallantry, which, if examin'd, will prove to be nothing less than fashionable Wickedness. The House is always full when Honesty is brought on the Stage to be laugh'd at, or when the shining Character in the Play be the Character of an harden'd Villain, that calls himself a fine Gentleman. This People forgets how Glory, and the Character of a fine Gentleman, was acquir'd of old. 'Twas Virtue, and a Love for their King and Country, that made the Gentleman. But now the Learning of the Age has turn'd the Dust of a Campaign into sweet Powder; and those which should weild a Sword, have now learn'd the fashionable Airs of managing a Snuff-Box. The Writers of Plays well know which Way the People's Affections tend; and, to comply with their deprav'd Humour, have always introduc'd Virtue and Innocence in the utmost Distress, as if Affliction were their inseparable Attendant, whilst Vice is generally brought in in Triumph, and by a false Gloss assumes the Appearance of Virtue. This is not to change Names, but Things, even Things of the greatest Consequence. But let us hasten to the Play-House, where, by the Acclamations of the People, you may confirm what I have said, as well as by what you will see represented on the Stage.
We went thither accordingly, and found all that Tckbrff had said to be true; for the House was soon fill'd, and by good Luck we got to a Seat were we could see all that was done in the House very distinctly. But as our greatest Pleasures have their Alloy of Bitterness, it here prov'd my Case; for I had propos'd a great deal of Pleasure to myself in ​seeing a Play in the Moon, and probably would have enjoy'd it, had I not been seated where I was; for there was an Animal that sat next to me which gave me great Uneasiness, both by his Looks and Speech. He had a most frightful and meagre Countenance; and the Sight of him made me think, that whensoever a Poet drew the Picture of Envy, he must certainly mean an Animal of this Species. I cannot compare him to any one Brute that I saw in Ireland, for he was a Compound of many Brutes, tho' a Cur seem'd to constitute the greatest Part of him. It were well for Children, and Women with Child, if he were oblig'd to wear a Mask, to prevent Miscarriages, and the frightening of foolish Children out of their Wits. During the whole Time of Action, he was railing at the Poet and the Players, and for the most part found Faults where there were none; and if any Thing was said which he was forc'd to acknowledge to be good, tho' that happen'd but rarely, he would curse himself for not being able to think so well.
When the Play was over, I enquir'd of Tckbrff who that Person I just mention'd was. He told me that he was a Critick, or one that is never pleas'd, if he is pleas'd at all, but when he is finding out real Faults in Writings, or making new ones. He is one that is hated by, and hates all Writers: His Observations are often trifling, and foreign to the Purpose: He would not think a Month ill bestow'd in finding out the Orthography of a proper Name, or upon what Syllable of it the Accent was to be plac'd: But he has this Curse attending him, that he can raise Spirits often, which he cannot lay, and after his greatest Labours, is generally more ignorant of what he enquir'd into, than he was at the Beginning. There are many Causes assign'd for a Person's becoming of this Class: Some will have ill Nature to be the only Cause of it; and alledge, that ​it is visible in every Feature of his Countenance. Others think, that ill Nature, join'd to a Sense of his own Ignorance, is the Cause of it; which makes him strive to make others appear as ignorant as he is persuaded that he himself is: But to this is objected, that Criticks are very conceited, or at least seem so, of their own Abilities. The most rational Account of this is founded upon an Explication of the natural Cause of it, by the Observations which were made upon the Brain of one of those Animals: It was observ'd that there were many little Animals not unlike those found in Books, which we call Book-Worms, running about the pineal Gland. From whence the Anatomist argues thus: Since the Seat of the Soul is in the pineal Gland, because it is allow'd to be wholly in the whole Body, and wholly in every Part, or, to use their Words, who deny the first Position, that it is Totum in toto, & totum in qualibet parte, it follows, that those little Animals which inhabit the pineal Gland, must affect the whole Soul. But still the Question is, Why those little Animals, by thus affecting the whole Soul, should make a Man a Critick?
To which I answer, that bad Company will spoil any Man, and soon make him of their Principles. Now every Body allows, that it is the chief Business of those Animals to make Holes in all the Books they come at, never considering whether the the Book they lite on deserves such Treatment, or not; and that the Soul is continually affected by these Animals, may be thus proved: Experience convinces us, that it is possible for larger Animals to get into the Brain; but those larger Animals must leave a sensible Mark of their Entry, which the Book-Worms do not. But why should we wonder that we do not perceive the Holes by which they enter, since we cannot perceive the Holes through which the Rays of Light pass? And to make this ​the more reasonable, it is held, that those Animals are taken into the Brain when they are very young, and much about the Size of a pretty big Ray of Light, which, by the By, is a Reason why a Man does not become a great Critick of a sudden, but daily improves, as those Animals grow up, and come to a worse Use of their Faculties. The Manner of their getting into the Brain is by Attraction through the Eyes; for when the Brain is heated by intense Thinking, it is allow'd to attract more strongly than when it is cool. This Opportunity is taken hold of for their Entry along with the Rays of Light through the Coats and Humours of the Eye, till they strike upon the Optick Nerve; in which there are insensible Holes for the Passage of the Animal Spirits, through which they are attracted into the Substance of the Brain. Those little Animals wander for some Time in the Substance of the Brain, till they come to the pineal Gland, to which they are invited by its pleasant Situation. It is to no Purpose to object, that if they were attracted through the Eyes in this Manner, they might blind a Man, since the same Objection lies against the Rays of Light; or to say, that they would eat the Brain, for lack of other Food, since it is more probable that they would rather chuse to eat one another than the Brain, whose Taste is quite different from that of Paper, and that it is reasonable to suppose that their Bodies are of a Taste not unlike it, as many nice Palates have assured us, since they were first bred in Ink and Paper. Besides, they are known to breed so fast, that two are sufficient to flock a Kingdom in a short Time, provided they be Male and Female.