# Diamonds To Sit On/Chapter 14

Contents
CHAPTER XIV
THE SECRET UNION OF THE SWORD AND PLOUGH
WHEN a woman grows old all sorts of unpleasant things can happen to her: her teeth may fall out, her hair turn grey, she may have palpitation, be overwhelmed with fat or afflicted with extreme scragginess, but her voice does not change. She has the same voice she had as a young woman.
The locksmith knocked at the door and Elena Stanislavovna called out: 'Who's there?' Hippolyte trembled. His love's voice was just as it had been in 1899, but when he saw her there was not a trace of her former self left.
'How you have changed!' he said involuntarily.
The old woman threw her arms round his neck.
'Thank you,' she said. 'I know what you are risking by coming to see me! You are the same generous knight you always were! I do not ask you why you have come from Paris. I am not inquisitive.'
'But I haven't come from Paris,' said Hippolyte, rather confused.
'My colleague and I have just come from Berlin,' corrected Bender, nudging Hippolyte, 'but it is not advisable to speak of these matters.'
'Oh, how happy I am to see you!' gushed the fortune-teller. 'Come in here, into this room,' Then she turned to the locksmith: 'And you, you will excuse us. You will come and see us in half an hour's time, won't you?'
'A first meeting,' said Bender to the locksmith. 'Awkward moments! Will you allow me to come with you?' The locksmith was delighted, and took ​Bender to his home, where they were soon engrossed in conversation.
An hour later they returned and found Hippolyte and the fortune-teller talking of old times.
‘And do you remember-----?’ the fortune-teller was saying.
‘Yes, but don’t you remember-----?’ Hippolyte rephed.
‘ I think the psychological moment for supper has arrived,’ thought Bender, and interrupting their reminiscences, he remarked: ‘ There is a strange custom in Berlin. People eat so late there that it is quite impossible to know whether it is early supper or late dinner.’
The fortune-teller jumped up, looked lovingly at Hippolyte, and went into the kitchen to prepare supper.
‘And now we must act,’ said Bender in a low voice.
‘We must act.’ He shook the locksmith by the hand.
'The old woman won’t give us away, will she? Can we rely on her?’
Polesov nodded.
‘What is your political credo ? ’
‘ Always 1 ’ said the locksmith enthusiastically.
A Tsarist, I hope? ’
'Of course! ’
'Russia will not forget you!’ said Bender dramatically.
Hippolyte, who was biting into a cake, listened in absolute astonishment, but there was no holding Bender. He was inspired, and was pacing up and down the room like a wild animal. The fortune teller brought a samovar from the kitchen. Bender gallantly jumped up, took the samovar from her, and placed it on the table. The samovar whistled and Bender decided to act.
‘Madam,’ he said, ‘ we are happy to read in your face----- ’ He did not know what he was happy to ​92
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read in her face, so he began again in a business-like way ; ‘ A strict secret—a State secret 1 ’ He pointed at Hippolyte. ‘ Who do you think this gentleman really is ? You need not answer. You cannot guess. He is a giant of thought, the father of Russian demo­ cracy, and a person very near to the Tsar.’ Hippolyte drew himself up and looked rather be­ wildered. He did not understand, but he knew from experience that Ostap Bender never spoke with­ out purpose. The locksmith began to tremble. He was standing with his chin in the air, like a man ready to set off in a royal procession. The fortune­ teller sat down on the nearest chair and looked at Bender with awe. ‘ Are there many of us in the town ? ’ asked Bender. ‘ What is the general feeling ? ’ The locksmith began to give a vague and muddled reply, but Bender interrupted ; ‘ Good. That will do. Now, with your help, Elena Stanislavovna, we should like to meet the best people of the town, especially those whom fate has persecuted. Who can you invite ? ‘ Who can I invite ? ’ said the fortune-teller. ‘ What about Maxim Petrovich and his wife ? ’ ‘ Without his wife,’ corrected Bender. ‘ No wives allowed. You shall be the only pleasant exception. Who else ? ’ There followed a discussion, and they decided to invite Maxim Petrovich Charushnikov, a former member of the Town Council and now a model example of a man working for the Soviet; Dyadiev, the pro­ prietor of ‘ Rapidpack ’ ; Kislyarsky, the chairman of the Moscow Cracknels ; and two other young men who were thoroughly reUable. Please ask them to come here for a secret meeting,’ said Bender. The locksmith ran off to invite them. The fortune­ teller went into the kitchen, and Hippolyte turned to Bender ; ‘ What do you mean by it ? ’ ​SECRET UNION OF SWORD AND PLOUGH
93
‘ Mean ? It means that you are very slow, my friend,' ‘ Why ? ’ ‘ Because 1 Forgive me if I ask you a prosaic question, but how much money have you got ? ’ ‘ What sort of money ? ’ ‘ Any money, including aU your small change.’ ‘ Thirty-five roubles.’ ' And do you mean to say that you thought you could pay for aU the expenses of our enterprise ? ’ Hippolyte could not think what to say. ‘ Now then, my dear patron, I think you are begin­ ning to see dayhght. You’ll have to play the giant of thought for an hour and pretend that you are a person close to the Tsar.’ ‘Why? ’ ' Because we need working capital. I am to be married to-morrow. I am not a beggar. I wish to feast on that important day.’ ‘ What do you want me to do ? ’ groaned Hippolyte. ' You’re to be silent, and every now and then, for the sake of making an impression, just blow out your cheeks.’ ‘ But that is . . . cheating.’ ‘ Who says so ? Tolstoy or Darwin ? No. I hear this from the lips of a man who only last night was thinking of climbing into Madam Gritsatsuev’s house to steal the poor widow’s furniture. Don’t worry ; just keep silent and don’t forget to blow out your cheeks.’ ‘ Why start such a dangerous business ? We may be reported.’ ‘ Oh ! don’t worry about that. The matter will be conducted in such a way that no one will understand anything. Let us have some tea.’ While Bender and Hippolyte were drinking tea the guests began to arrive. Nicholas and Vladimir, the two young men, came in with the locksmith. They were not introduced to ​the giant of thought. They were louts of about thirty, and were obviously very pleased to have been invited. They sat in a corner and watched the father of Russian democracy consume cold veal.
Charushnikov, the former member of the Town Council, a heavy old man, shook Hippolyte warmly by the hand and looked straight into his eyes. After they had exchanged a few reminiscences about the town. Bender turned to Charushnikov: ‘Which regiment were you in?’
‘I—I—so to speak, was not in any regiment because'-----’
‘Are you a member of the nobility?’
‘Yes, I was.’
‘You are still, I hope. Be strong. Your help will be needed. I suppose Polesov has told you? We shall have help from abroad. We have a complete secret organization.’
Bender moved over to the two louts and asked them with undisguised severity: ‘ Which regiment were you in? You will have to serve your country.
Members of the nobility? Splendid ! ’ and without giving them time to answer he added: ' The West will help us. We have a complete secret organization.’ Bender was enjoying himself, for everything was going splendidly. When introduced to the proprietor of ‘ Rapidpack ’ he asked him about his regiment, promised help from abroad, and told him about the complete secret organization. The proprietor’s first instinct was to run away from this conspiracy. He considered his firm was far too important for him to be taking part in such a risky business; but as he looked across at Bender he hesitated, and then decided to stay.
Kislyarsky was the last to arrive, and as he had never served in a regiment and had not been a member of the nobility. Bender told him to pluck up courage, which Kislyarsky promised to do. ​SECRET UNION OF SWORD AND PLOUGH 95
' As a representative of private capital,’ said Bender, ' you cannot afford to remain deaf to the groans of your country.’ Kislyarsky sighed. ‘ You know who that is ? ’ said Bender as he pointed to Hippolyte. ‘ Of course,’ answered Kislyarsky. ‘ That is Mr. Vorobianinov.’ ‘ That,’ said Bender, ‘ is the giant of thought, the father of Russian democracy, and a person very close to the Tsar.’ ‘ This means at least two years’ solitary confinement,’ thought Kislyarsky. ‘ Why ever did I come here ? ’ ‘ The Secret Union of the Sword and Plough,’ whis­ pered Bender into his ear. ‘ Ten years ! ’ thought Kislyarsky. ‘ Of course you can go away if you wish, but I warn you our arm is long,’ said Bender. * I’ll teach him something,’ thought Bender to himself. ‘ I shan’t let him go under a hundred roubles.’ Kislyarsky stayed. ‘ Citizens ! ’ said Bender, opening the meeting, ‘ Life dictates its laws—its cruel laws. I shah not speak of the objects of this meeting. They are sufftciently well known to you all. The aim of this meeting is holy. We hear cries for help from every comer of our country. We must extend a helping hand, and we shall extend a helping hand. Some of you are working and have butter on your bread, while others are eating caviare sandwiches. All of you have beds and warm blankets, but there are little children in the streets who deserve a better fate. Gentlemen, we must help those little children, and we shall help them ! ’ This speech raised various feelings in the minds of the listeners. Polesov did not understand his new friend. ‘ Children ? ’ he thought. ‘ Why children ? ’ Hippo­ lyte did not attempt to understand it. He sat in silence and blew out his cheeks. Elena Stanislavovna ​was wistful. The two louts stared devotedly at Bender’s blue waistcoat. The proprietor of ‘Rapidpack’ was delighted; ‘Very nicely put,’ he thought. ‘I can give some money, and if we’re caught I can always say that I was helping the children.’ Charushnikov exchanged a knowing look with Dyadiev. Kislyarsky was in the seventh heaven of delight. He had never loved destitute children so much as he loved them that night.
‘Comrades,’ continued Bender, ‘we want immediate help. We must tear the children out of the clutches of the street. Let us remember that children are the flowers of hfe. I invite you to give your contributions here and now. For the children, and no one but the children, you understand.’
Bender took a receipt-book from his pocket.
' I must ask you to give me your donations. Hippolyte Matveyevich will confirm my authority.’ Hippolyte blew out his cheeks and nodded.
‘In order of seniority, please, gentlemen. Let us begin with Maxim Petrovich.’
Maxim Petrovich wriggled in his chair and gave thirty roubles.
‘In better days,’ he said, ‘I should have given more.’
‘Better days will soon be here,’ said Bender; ‘but that has nothing to do with the destitute children.’
The two young men gave eight roubles between them.
‘That’s not enough, my friends.’
The young men blushed. Polesov ran home and brought fifty roubles.
‘Bravo, hussar!’ said Bender. ‘That’s splendid for a hussar. But what do the merchants say?’
Dyadiev and Kislyarsky bargained for a long time and grumbled about business being bad. Bender was adamant.
‘In the presence of a man like Hippolyte, I consider such wrangling is superfluous, and, to say the least of it, in bad taste.’ ​SECRET UNION OF SWORD AND PLOUGH 97
Hippolyte bowed. Each of the merchants contri­ buted two hundred roubles for the destitute children. ‘ Four hundred and eighty-eight roubles in all,’ proclaimed Bender. ‘What a pity! Twelve roubles short of a round sum I ’ Elena Stanislavovna, who had been trying to make up her mind, went into her bedroom, brought out an old-fashioned handbag, and took out the necessary twelve roubles. The meeting did not last for very much longer, and presently the guests began to disperse. ‘ We shall let you know the date of the next meeting,’ said Bender as he said good-bye. ' But remember this is a dead secret. It is in your own interests to keep it a secret.’ Kislyarsky made up his mind that he would never come near the place again and left in a hurry. ‘ You, Hippolyte,’ said Bender, ‘ will, I hope, accept Elena Stanislavovna’s invitation to stay the night here. I must be off.’ Hippolyte winked frantically at Bender, but Bender pretended he had not seen these signs and went out into the street. He thought of the five hundred roubles he had honestly earned. ‘ Hi I ’ he called to a cabman. ‘ Take me to " The Phoenix ”.’ The restaurant was closed. ‘ Why is it closed ? ’ asked Bender. ‘ The first of May,’ said the cabman. ‘ Drat them I Here am I with lots of money and nowhere to go. Take me to Plekhanov Street. I suppose you know where it is ? ’ Bender decided to visit his fiancee. What was the street called before ? ’ asked the cabman. ‘ I don’t know.’ ‘ Then how can I take you there ? ’ For an hour and a half they drove through the 7 ​98
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empty town, and at last they discovered that Plek­ hanov Street was none other than the former Govern­ ment Street. ' Government Street ? ’ said the cabman. ‘ Why, I’ve been taking people to Government Street for the last twenty-five years.’ But when they got to Government Street it was not Plekhanov Street, but Karl Marx Street. All night long they searched for Plekhanov Street until in exasperation Bender shouted to the cabman to take him back to ‘ The Sorbonne ’. ‘ What a man ! ’ said he. ‘ Fancy you not knowing where Plekhanov Street is ! ’ The widow Gritsatsuev’s house was as clean as a new pin. At the head of the wedding table sat Bender, the eligible King of Clubs promised by the fortune­ teller. He was very smartly dressed and decidedly drunk. The guests were shouting and singing. The bride was no chicken, for she was well over thirty, but Nature had been generous. She had a large bosom, a thick nose, bright red cheeks, and a big head. She adored her new husband and was very frightened of him, and because of this she did not call him by his Christian name or patronymic, but addressed him as ‘ Comrade Bender ’. Hippolyte was again sitting on his own walnut chair, and during the whole of the wedding-feast he was constantly jumping up and down to see if there was anything hard in it. Bender made endless speeches and proposed a number of toasts, including one to Public Instruction and one to the irrigation of Uzbekistan. Presently the guests began to disperse, and in the entrance hall Hippolyte whispered knowingly to Bender : ‘ Don’t waste any time ! They are there ! ’ ‘ You’re a regular taskmaster,’ said Bender, who was ​very drunk. ‘ Don’t go. Don’t go away. Wait for me in “ The Sorbonne ”. I may come back at any minute. Settle the bill. Let everything be ready. Farewell! Field-Marshal, wish me good-night!’
Hippolyte returned to ‘ The Sorbonne ’ and waited until five o’clock in the morning, when Bender suddenly appeared with the chair. Hippolyte trembled with excitement as Bender put the chair in the middle of the room and sat down on it.
‘How on earth did you manage it?’ asked Hippolyte.
‘Quite simply,’ said Bender. ‘The little widow is fast asleep and dreaming. It seemed a pity to wake her, so alas! I was compelled to leave a note for my love: “I am off to Novokhopersk on business. Don’t wait for me for dinner. Your pet.” And then I took the chair. There are no trams at this time of day, so I took short rests on the way and sat on the chair.’ Hippolyte rushed across the room to the chair.
‘Be quiet’ said Bender. ‘We mustn’t make a noise.’
He took a pair of pincers out of his pocket and the work began.
‘Have you locked the door?’ asked Bender. He pushed Hippolyte to one side and carefully took the cover from the chair-seat so as not to damage the English chintz.
'You don’t find such material nowadays,’ said Bender. ‘We must take care of it.’
He was so slow that Hippolyte was growing more and more impatient and annoyed.
‘Now!’ said Bender as he lifted up the upholstery and began to search among the springs with both hands.
‘Well? ’cried Hippolyte excitedly. ‘Well?’
'Well,’ answered Bender irritably. ‘one chance in eleven and this chance----- ’He groped among the springs and upholstery again, and then added: ‘And this chance is no good.’ ​He stood up and brushed his knees while Hippolyte fell upon the chair. There were no diamonds. Hippolyte was depressed, but Bender was as cheerful as ever.
‘Our chances have increased,’ said Bender encouragingly as he walked up and down the room. ‘ Never mind; that chair cost the widow more than it cost us.’And he pulled out of his pocket a gold brooch, a bracelet, half a dozen gilt spoons, and a tea-strainer. Hippolyte was so distressed that he did not even realize he had been the accomplice in a common theft.
‘It’s rather mean of me,’ said Bender; ‘but you must agree that I couldn’t leave my beloved without taking some little souvenir. However, there is no time to be lost. We’re only at the beginning of things here, whereas the end is in Moscow. And I’m sure the Furniture Museum won’t be like the widow: it’ll be far more difficult there.’
The two partners stuffed the bits of chair under the bed, and after counting up their money, which came to five hundred and thirty-five roubles, they left to catch the Moscow express.
They had to drive through the town in an open cab and were terrified of being seen, but when at last they were safe in the train. Bender slapped Hippolyte on the back, and said in a cheerful voice; ‘ Never mind/ my friend; don’t be downhearted. We shall be in Moscow to-morrow. Let the good work go on!’