# Sunday Star/'My New Rules of Warfare'

Extracted from Sunday Star magazine, 1922, Jan 29, p. 6. Accompanying illustration omitted.
"My New Rules of Warfare"
By Ring W. Lardner
TO the Editor: Maybe some of my readers will recall how the writer was sent to Washington early in November to see that the boys got a good start in their disarmament conference which begun down there about that time and I hung around there about a wk. and everything looked cheery and bright and it looked like the boys was in ernest and didn't need nobody to watch them so I come on home and left them to their own devices. Well it is beginning to look as if I come home too soon.
As I understood it at the time, the reason for all the nations setting together was to see if maybe they wasn't some way to fix it so as we wouldn't have no more war or at lease, lesson the danger of haveing same. And that is what the boys started out to do, but in the last few wks. as near as I can make out they been devoteing their tension to preparations for another war and what laws is going to govern conduct of same and you would pretty near think it was the annual meeting of the intercollegiate rules committee to discuss changes for next yr.
Like for inst. Asst. Coach Root of the U. S. team has made 2 suggestions which it looks like they would both be adopted namely:
(1) that submarines mustn't attack nothing but war ships and,
(2) that they can't no nation from now on use poison gas.
THESE has been agreed on by the other members and are suggestions which meets with gen. approval throughout the civilize world. But how are you going to enforce same is another question. According to Mr. Root's dope the submarine that shoots at a merchant ship will be looked on as a pirate and the nation that uses poison gas is a dirty outlaw. But the people that done both them things in the last war was called a whole lot worse names than that and never batted a eye.
What the boys needs first of all is suitable penaltys for violations of the rules both new and old and secondly they need somebody to see that same is carried out and if I was running the meeting down in Washington I would appoint Tiny Maxwell and Walter Eckersall and W. G. Crowell and Tom Thorp, Harry Heneage and etc. and assign them to the next war and leave some of them set in a boat out in the ocean and handle the Navy game wile the others officiates in No Man's Land and I would tell them to see that the rules was lived up to and would give them a handy book of same with the new rules listed separate like as follows:
Rule XV.
No submarine shall shoot at any ship other than a war ship belonging to a opponent.
Penalty—
Submarine must come up 5 yards closer to the surface.
Rule XVI.
Neither side shall use poison gas.
Penalty—
Loss of $^1$⁄$_2$ the distance to the goal.
Rule XVII.
No regiment may replace another without the regiment thus substituting first reporting to the referee.
Penalty—
For not reporting—Loss of 5 yards. For new regiment communicating with old regiment before reporting to the referee, loss of 15 yards.
Rule IX.
Gunners must all be behind the gun when gun is fired.
Penalty—
The gun shall be fired off again from a point 5 yards farther away from whatever they was shooting at.
Rule XXI.
No soldier of the side which is going over the top shall be in motion towards the opponent's trenches before the signal is given.
Penalty—
Loss of 5 yards from the point at which he started.
Rule XXV.
They shall be no coaching either by generals or other persons not participating in the action.
Penalty—
Loss of 15 yards by the side for whose supposed benefit the offense was committed. The offender shall be excluded from the neighborhood or the field of battle for the remainder of the war.
Rule XXVI.
Nobody shall attempt to crawl after they have been shot down.
Penalty—
Loss of 5 yards.
Rule XXVII.
In case of accident to a participant, one representative of his army may. if he has first obtained the consent of the officials, come on to the field of battle to tend to the injured man. This representative need not always be the same person.
Rule XXVIII.
No person not takeing part shall be allowed to walk up and down No Man's Land.
Penalty—
Loss of both legs.
Rule XXX.
Upon one nation declareing war on another, the other nation must be ready to fight within 2 months after receiveing said declaration of war.
Penalty—
Forfeiture of the war.
RING W. LARDNER.
Great Neck. Jan. 27.
This work is in the public domain in the United States because it was published before January 1, 1929.
The longest-living author of this work died in 1933, so this work is in the public domain in countries and areas where the copyright term is the author's life plus 90 years or less. This work may be in the public domain in countries and areas with longer native copyright terms that apply the rule of the shorter term to foreign works.
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