# Familiar Colloquies/The Unequal Banquet

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THE UNEQUAL BANQUET.
Spudmus, Apitius.
Sp. Soho, soho, Apitius ! Ap. I do not hear you. Sp. Soho, I say, Apitius ! Ap. What troublesome fellow is this? Sp. I have a matter of consequence to tell you of. Ap. And I am going about a matter of consequence, and in great haste too. Sp. Whither, prithee ? Ap. Why, to supper. Sp. That was it I wanted to talk with you about. Ap. I have not time now to meddle with talkers or doers, lest I lose my labour. Sp. You shall lose no time, I will go along with you. Ap. Well, tell me what it is quickly. Sp. I am busy in contriving how to make a feast, so as to please all and displease none of my guests, and knowing you to be the principal artist in this scheme, I apply myself to you as to an oracle. Ap. Well, take this for an answer, and, according to ancient usage, in verse, If none you would displease, then none invite. Sp. But it is a public entertainment; lam under a necessity of having a great many guests. Ap. To be sure, the more you invite the more you will displease. What play was so well written or so well acted as to please the whole theatre ? Sp. But come, darling of the god of banquets, assist me with your advice in this affair, and I will account you an oracle for time to come. Ap. Take this in the first ​SO 4 FAMILIAR COLLOQUIES. place, do not attempt to do that which is impossible to be done. Sp. What is that 1 A p. To be a master of a feast, and give satisfaction to all your guests, when there is a great variety of palates. Sp. Well, then, that I may displease but a few 1 Ap. Call but a few. Sp. But that cannot be. Ap. Then invite those that are equals and of agree- able humours. Sp. I am not at liberty to do that neither ; I cannot avoid inviting a great many, and of different humours, nor are they all of the same speech or nation. Ap. You talk of a bedlam rather than a banquet. Here will necessarily arise such confusion as the Hebrews relate to have happened at the building of Babel, that when one asks for cold water the other will bring him hot. Sp. But, prithee, help me out at a dead lift; you shall find I will be both mind- ful of and grateful for your good office. Ap. Well, come, then ; seeing you are not at liberty to pick and choose your guests, I will give you advice in this difficult point. It signifies no small matter as to the mirth of the entertainment what places any of them sit in. Sp. That is very right. Ap. But to take away all occasion of uneasiness, let them cast lots for their places. Sp. That is well advised. Ap. Let not your dishes proceed gradu- ally from the upper to the lower end of the table, so as to make the letter 2, or rather in a serpentine order, or to be changed reciprocally hither and thither, as the myrtle in old times used to be handed aboiit at banquets. Sp. How then ? Ap. To every four gxtests set four dishes, so that the fourth may be the middlemost, as boys upon three nuts set a fourth ; in every one of these let there be a different sort of victuals, that every one may help himself to what he likes. Sp. Well, I like that very well ; but how often must I change the dishes ? Ap. How many parts are there in a theatrical oration ? Sp. Five, I think. Ap. How many acts are there in a play I Sp. I have read in Horace that they ought not to exceed five. Ap. Well, then, so many different courses you must have. Let the first course be soup, and the last a dessert of sweetmeats. Sp. What order of the courses do you approve of? Ap. The same that Pyrrhus did in his army. Sp. What say you 1 Ap. As in an oration so at a feast, the preface or first courses should not be very delicate ; and again, the last course should rather excel in variety than daintiness. So Pyrrhus's discipline consisted in three particulars, that on each side there should be some- thing excellent, and in the middle that which was more ordinary. By this method it will be so ordered that you will neither appear to be sparing nor prodigal by reason of a cloying abundance. Sp. The eating part is well enough contrived ; now tell me what is to be done as to drinking. Ap. Do not you give the cup to any- body ; leave that to your servants, to ask everybody what sort of wine he likes, and to fill eveiy one the wine he drinks readily at the very first call or nod. In this there will be a twofold conveniency, they will drink both more sparingly and more merrily; not only because every now and then there would otherwise be a different sort of wine given them, but also because nobody will drink but when he is dry. Sp. Upon my word, this is very goad advice. But then, how will they all be made merry ? Ap. That is partly in your power. Sp. How is that ? Ap. You know the old proverb, A hearty welcome is the best cheer. Sp. How is that? Ap. .Entertain them courteously, ​THE UNEQUAL BANQUET. 305 speak to them with a cheerful countenance, ordering your speech according to each person's age and humour. Sp. I will come nearer to you that I may hear the better. Ap. You understand languages 1 Sp. Yes, most languages. Ap. You must ever and anon speak to every one in his own tongue; and that the entertainment may be the more diverting by a variety of stories, intermix such matters as every one will remember with pleasure, and nobody will be uneasy to hear. Sp. What sort of matters mean you ? Ap. The peculiar differences of dispositions, which you yourself are better versed in ; I will only touch upon some heads. Old men take a pleasure in relating those things that are out of the memory of many persons, and are admirers of those times in which they were in their prime. It is a pleasant thing to a married woman to have the memory of that time refreshed when she was courted by her sweet- hearts. Mariners that have been in divers and far distant countries take a pleasure to tell of those things that they have seen and other people admire at; and according to the proverb, the remembrance of dangers when they are over is very pleasant, if they are such as have nothing opprobrious in them, as in the army, in travels, in the dangers at sea. And in the last place, every one loves to talk of his own call- ing, especially in that part that he excels in. These are some general heads ; as to particular affections it is not possible to describe them ; but, for example sake, one is ambitious of honour, another would be accounted learned, another loves to be taken for a rich man; one is full of talk, another is sparing of his speech ; some will be surly, others, on the other hand, affable ; some do not care to be thought old when they are so, and some would fain be thought older than they are, affecting to be admired for carrying their age well. Some women please themselves mightily in being thought handsome, and some love to be flattered. These dispositions being known, it will be no difficult matter so to intermix speeches as to be pleasing to every one, and to avoid those things that cause uneasiness. Sp. Upon my troth, you are excellently skilled in the art of order- ing an entertainment. Ap* Phoo ! If I had spent as much time and taken as much pains in the study of the law, physic, or divinity, as I have spent upon this art, I had long before now commenced doctor of them. all. Sp. I am of your mind. Ap. But, hark ye, that you may not mistake, you must be sure to take care that your stories be not long-winded ones, and that they do not turn upon drunkenness ; for as there is nothing better than wine drank with moderation, so, on the other hand, there is nothing worse if you drink too much. It is the same in stories. Sp. You say right. But what remedy have you for this 1 Ap. When you perceive any disposed to be quarrelsome, take an opportunity to break off abruptly from what you were saying, and talk of something else. I take it to be unnecessaiy to caution you against bringing any one's affliction to his mind during the time of the enter- tainment. Plato is of opinion that banquets will cure some distempers, the wine driving away sorrow and making persons forget what caused uneasiness to them. But you ought to be cautioned of this, not to salute the guests too often ; yet I would have you walk about some- times, and speak kindly first to one and then to another, for a master ​of a feast ought to act a movable part in the play. But then, again, there is nothing more uncivil than to he continually talking of the sorts of provision, the manner of dressing it, and what it cost you. It is the same thing as to the wine. But you should rather modestly under- value the provision ; for if yo,u undervalue it too much, it will be much the same as if you were ostentatious concerning it. It is sufficient to say twice, or at the most three times, Much good may it do you ; and though my entertainment is but homely, your welcome is hearty. Sometimes you may break a jest, but such a one that has no teeth. It will also be proper to bespeak every one, now and then, in his own tongue, but in few words. But it now comes into my mind to speak what I should have said at the beginning. Sp. What is it 1 Ap. If you have not a mind to place the guests by lot, take care to choose three out of the company thab are of a diverting humour and apt to talk, place one at the upper end of the table, another at the lower end, and a third in the middle, that they may keep the rest from being either silent or melancholy. And if you perceive the company grow either mute or noisy and inclinable to fall out Sp. This is very common with our countrymen; but what must be done then? Ap. Then take the course that I have frequently experienced to succeed. Sp. I want to hear it. Ap. Bring in a couple of buffoons or jesters, who by their gestures may express some argument without speaking a word. Sp. But why without speaking? Ap. That the guests may be all equally diverted, or, if they do speak, let them speak in a language that none of them understands. By speaking by gestures they will all understand alike. Sp. I cannot very well tell what you mean by an argument. Ap. There are a thousand as suppose a wife fighting with the husband for the breeches, or any other such comical transaction in low life. And as to dancing, the more ridiculous it is the more diverting it will be. These ought not to be above half-fools ; for, if they be downright idiots, they will, before they are aware, foolishly blab out what may give offence. Sp. As you have given me good advice, so I wish that the deity Com us may always befriend ye. Ap. I will conclude with this, or rather repeat what I said at first : Don't be too thoughtful to please everybody, not only in this affair, but in any other circumstance of life, and that will be the way to please them the sooner ; for it is a good maxim in life, " Too much of one thing is good for nothing."