# Memoirs of James Hardy Vaux/Volume 1/Chapter 5

CHAPTER V.
The Trip to Portsmouth.
DURING my nightly resorts to the Blue Lion, in Gray's-Inn-Lane, I one evening fell into conversation, at that house, with a young man of decent appearance, a few years older than myself. We were so mutually pleased with each other, that at parting, an appointment to breakfast together the next morning was the consequence, and on this second meeting, our intimacy so far increased, that we began to explain our respective situations in life to each other. My new acquaintance, whose name was D———, informed me that he had lately quitted His Majesty's Ship Montague, of 74 guns, on board of which he had served as Steward to the Commander, Captain Patterson. That having lived freely for some months on shore, he had now spent all his money, and was so much reduced, that he really knew not how to subsist any longer, and concluded with expressing his intention to proceed immediately to Portsmouth, in the hope of obtaining a similar birth to his former one. I assured him that I was, like himself, so much reduced, as to find the utmost difficulty in existing at all, and that if he would permit me to join my ​fortune to his, I should without hesitation feel happy in the opportunity of accompanying him to Portsmouth in quest of some employment. He declared that nothing would afford him greater pleasure, and it was agreed that we should, each of us without delay, convert our spare apparel, &c., into cash, and set out the very next day. I accordingly lost no time in the needful preparations, and having bilked my landlord, with whom I was some few weeks in arrears, I met D———, the same evening, and after indulging in a farewell cruize, which sensibly diminished our slender finances, we took a few hours' repose, and at eight o'clock the next morning, commenced our peregrination.
On a comparison of our personal effects, it appeared that we possessed between us about twenty shillings in money, and had each a spare shirt, neck-cloth and hose, in a bundle, which (traveller-like) we carried across our shoulders on a good oak-stick. We were both decently clad, in good health, and in high spirits notwithstanding our poverty. We agreed that to save expenses, we should perform the journey on foot, (being seventy-two miles) and we calculated that with frugality, we should be enabled to defray the contingent charges for diet and lodging on the road. It soon appeared, however, that though good economists in theory, we were not so in practice; for as we both loved good cheer, and the severity of the weather required a suitable fortification, we had ​expended half our stock by the time we got to Kingston, our first stage, and only twelve miles from town. Here we put up at a public-house, called The Eight Bells, and having enjoyed a good dinner, which was succeeded by some excellent mulled elder wine of the landlady's own composition, and which was peculiarly adapted to the season of the year, we liked our quarters so well that we spent not only the night, but half the next day in the enjoyments of repose, eating, drinking, and smoking, before it occurred to either of us that every item of those said enjoyments was recorded in chalk by the hostess, and would inevitably be consolidated in the shape of a bill, which we must discharge before a clearance could be obtained for the next port. Having at length recollected ourselves, and called "to pay," our reckoning amounted to three or four shillings more than we possessed in our common purse. As it was impossible to think of proceeding any further without recruiting, we were now in no small consternation. Bilking the landlady was out of the question, for we had given our bundles into her charge on first entering the house, and their contents were not only indispensably necessary to us, but also worth more than the sum required to release them. In this dilemma, a sudden thought struck me. Calling for pen, ink, and paper, I told my companion I had a scheme in my head for raising a supply, but would ​not impart it until I had tried its success. I then drew up a sort of Memorial to the following effect: "To the Ladies and Gentlemen of Kingston.—The writer hereof, a young man of respectable family, and good education, having by a series of misfortunes, been reduced to the greatest distress, is now on his way to Portsmouth, in hopes of procuring a situation in the navy; but being destitute of money for his present support, humbly solicits your charitable assistance towards enabling him to pursue his journey. To a noble mind, the pleasure of doing a good action is its own reward. The smallest donations will be gratefully received, and any lady or gentleman inclined to relieve the writer is earnestly requested to subscribe his or her name hereto."—Having completed this production, I desired my friend to wait patiently for my return, and assured him I doubted not of bringing speedy relief. I now set out on my expedition, and immediately waited on Mr. Mayor, who was a grocer, but in this first essay I was unsuccessful. His worship declared he never encouraged applications of this sort from strangers; and desired me to go about my business. I, however, took the liberty of subscribing his name to my memorial, by way of sanction, and gave his charity credit for a donation of five shillings. Young as I was at that time, I well knew that example, in matters of this kind, goes a great way; and that many persons, without a grain ​of christian benevolence in their composition, will give liberally from motives of ostentation, when they see that their neighbours have already contributed, and that their own names and donations will also be made public. I experienced the truth of this notion, for I was successful in almost every application I afterwards made. Having visited a number of genteel houses, with various success, I was on the point of returning, to impart my good luck to my companion, when coming to a very handsome mansion-house in the suburbs of the town, I thought I ought not to omit calling, and a person at that moment passing by, I inquired whose residence it was, and which was the entrance to the premises; for the house was situated in the midst of a spacious pleasure-ground, remote from the high road, and it being quite dusk, I had not observed any avenue by which I could gain access to it. I was informed that it was the residence of Lady W——, that a little further on, I should perceive a door in the brick wall, which extended along the road-side, and that if I entered at that door, and proceeded in a strait direction, I should arrive at the servants' hall; but my informer cautioned me to keep close to another wall on my left hand, which divided this avenue from the lawn in front of the mansion, because there was a very large and fierce dog at the upper end, but which, being chained up, could not reach me, if I followed the above directions. I ​thanked this obliging person, and immediately proceeded to the door described, which I entered, and walked cautiously, and not without some fear, by the wall-side, till I perceived by the lights in the kitchen, and out-offices, that I was near the premises.
It was now very dark, and I was carefully exploring my way, my mind full of apprehensions at the thought of this terrible dog; when lo! at that instant, to my inexpressible consternation, the ferocious animal made a spring at me, and I gave myself up for dead. However, though he was certainly within a yard of me, he did me no mischief, but my alarm was so great, that without knowing how, or where to fly for refuge, I ran precipitately from the spot, and when I recovered from the fright, found myself in the pleasure-ground in front of the mansion-house. It appeared that I had, without knowing, escaped through a door in the wall, which was open on my left hand at the moment I was alarmed by the dog. I was now more at a loss than ever, for I knew of no way to get out of the pleasure-ground, except by the aforesaid door, and fear of the dog prevented my attempting that passage. After wandering about for a few minutes, I approached the mansion, and going up to one of the parlour windows, which were very large, and on a level with the terrace before the house, I applied my eye to the glass, and discovered through an aperture in the inside shutters, a numerous and ​splendid party of ladies and gentlemen at dinner. Having considered a moment, I determined on a very bold step, as I saw no alternative but remaining all night in the open air, exposed to the inclemency of the weather. Taking advantage of a pause in the company's conversation, I tapped with my finger at the window, and immediately the whole party were struck with wonder. In the midst of their surprise I repeated my knock, and then, after several voices exclaiming, "Good God! there is certainly somebody at the window," &c., a gentleman rose from the table, and advancing towards me, opened first the shutters, and then the window itself, which might, in fact, be called a pair of folding doors, and these being thrown back, I walked in with the most respectful air I could assume, and presented myself to the astonished company. Having bowed twice or thrice, and given time for their alarm to subside, I began to make my speech.
Apologizing for my presumptuous intrusion, I stated in a concise manner, the fright I had endured, from the dog, my embarrassment at not being able to find means of egress from the pleasure-ground, and my having consequently taken the liberty of knocking at the window. I then presented my memorial, which was read in turn by most of the company, each of whom surveyed me with evident surprise. Having answered such queries as they thought proper to put to me, I was desired by the ​lady of the house to withdraw to the kitchen for a short time, and a servant was ordered to attend me thither. Here I had my story to repeat for the information of the domestics, who laughed heartily at the adventure of the dog, but afterwards seriously assured me, that had the animal not been chained, or had I approached within his reach, he would inevitably have torn me to pieces. The parlour dinner being over, and the dishes brought out, I was desired to fall to, and being really hungry I wanted no pressing, but selected from the variety of good things on the table a very fine buttock of beef, on which substantial fare I made a sumptuous meal. There was no scarcity of good malt liquor, and Lady W—— very kindly sent me out a pint of Ted port, with a particular injunction (which by-the-by was unnecessary,) that I should eat and drink heartily.
At length I was summoned to attend the company in the parlour, and her ladyship then expressing her concern for my misfortunes, and her anxious hope that I should speedily find an end to them, presented me with half-a-guinea. The rest of the party also said many handsome things, and the majority of them contributed to my relief. In addition to these favours, one of the gentlemen, at the particular request of Lady W——, took the trouble to write a letter in my behalf to the captain of a man-of-war, supposed to be then lying at ​Portsmouth, entreating him to give me an appointment under him. Her Ladyship, after obliging me to take another glass of wine, and repeating her sorrow for my distress, advised me to lose no time in prosecuting my journey, ordered a servant to conduct me to the door at which I had first entered her premises, and I took a respectful leave of this truly benevolent party.
Returning to the Eight Bells, I imparted my adventures to my friend, who was, of course, much pleased at my success, for I had realized between four and five pounds. I found this begging scheme so productive, that I was in no hurry to pursue the Portsmouth speculation, and as we were both satisfied with our present quarters, it was agreed that we should continue a few days longer in Kingston, in which time I proposed to follow up my success by making a regular circuit among the inhabitants; and I, in fact, determined to levy similar contributions in every town which lay in our route.
It is to be observed, that this idea of raising money was perfectly original in me, for at that time I had never heard of such a practice, but have since discovered that it is a very common expedient, and is called by those persons who live by such impositions, "the Letter Racket."
The following day I again sallied forth, and met with equal success, visiting not only the houses of private persons, but even the respectable ​shopkeepers, &c.; and I may here state, once for all, that in the course of this, as well as my subsequent speculations of the same nature, I met with various receptions, according to the charitable or churlish dispositions of the people to whom I applied. Many pitied my case and cheerfully relieved me. Others expressed equal commiseration, but declined giving any thing, either because "they never encouraged beggars," or "they had poor enough of their own to maintain." Some invited me into their parlours, treated me with excessive politeness, and obliged me to take refreshment at their own tables; and where there were any young ladies in the family, I was an object of particular solicitude, and the recital of my misfortunes drew many a sigh from their tender bosoms. Others desired me, like the Mayor of Kingston, to go about my business, and hinted that I ought to be sent to the house of correction as a vagrant. Sometimes the servants who admitted me refused to present my memorial, declaring they had strict orders from their masters or mistresses never to trouble them on such an occasion. The donations I commonly received, were from one shilling to five; sometimes, but rarely, I was presented with gold, particularly at the seats of the nobility and gentry, all which, laying within a short distance of the road I travelled, I made a point of calling at; and for my information on this subject, I provided myself with a comprehensive book of ​roads, in which those objects are correctly laid down. Some truly charitable persons, but whose means were limited, relieved me with sixpence, and of course I was bound to accept such a trifle with as much appearance of thankfulness, as I would a larger sum; and frequently when I called at a farm house by the roadside, I have been compelled to take some cold meat, or other eatables, which I afterwards bestowed upon the first more needy beggar I met on my way. It was my custom in general, to travel on foot, making short stages, and putting up at a good inn in every town I entered, where I lived upon the best during my stay, and associated with London riders, and other respectable guests. When tired of walking, I availed myself of a passing stage-coach, or return post-chaise, and my only equipage was a, spare shirt, handkerchief, &c., which, with my book of roads, I carried in a small bundle under my arm.
To resume my narrative, I returned from my second day's excursion about dusk in the evening, and entering the Eight Bells, was surprised at not finding my companion within. On inquiring of the landlady, the good woman informed me, with some degree of terror, that two of the town constables had been in search of me; and kindly exhorted me, if I was conscious of having done wrong, to make the best of my way from Kingston, as she expected them to call again every minute, adding that she ​believed my friend was gone out in quest of me. I smiled at the landlady's fears, and thanking her for her friendly advice, assured her I was unconscious of any crime, and should willingly face the officers, come when they might. I then desired to have some tea, which she set about preparing, during which interval my fellow-traveller came in. I briefly concerted with him the part we should respectively act, in case of our being called upon to give an account of ourselves, though I had no conception on what grounds I was to be apprehended. We now proceeded to take our tea, but before we had half finished it, the constables entered the room, and informed me they had orders to carry me before the magistrates, who were then assembled in the town-hall; and that the young man, who they understood to be my comrade, must also accompany me. I answered, I would with pleasure attend them, but requested time to finish our repast, which they consented to allow us; and we then proceeded all together to the town-hall, the officers carrying our two bundles, which they had obtained from the landlady by order of the justices. Being brought before the bench, I immediately recognised among the persons in attendance, one of the gentlemen I had seen at Lady W——'s dinner party, and the very same who had written the letter of recommendation to Captain ——. This gentleman now stated to the magistrates the circumstance of my coming to Lady W——'s ​house the preceding evenings the extraordinary manner in which I had made my appearance, and the reception I met with; and farther stated, that the ensuing morning it was discovered that a part of the fence enclosing the pleasure-ground had been broken, and other damage done on the premises, which led to a suspicion that I might be an impostor, who had a design to rob the house, or do some other mischief, and that he, therefore, on the part of Lady W——, wished me to be examined by their worships, and obliged to give some further account of myself.
Though the suspicions of Lady W. and her friends appeared to have been very weakly founded, and their idea to be utterly extravagant, the justices entered seriously into the spirit of the business, and ordering us to be set apart from each other, proceeded to interrogate us strictly as to our professions, business in Kingston, the objects of our journey, &c. I, for my part, adhered to the story I had before framed, which it is needless to repeat to the reader, being devoid of interest, and as it was for the most part utterly false, I cannot now minutely recollect it. My companion's account of himself was nearer the truth. He stated that he had been an officer's servant in the navy, and was now on his way to Portsmouth in quest of a similar situation, but denied any further knowledge of me than joining me by accident on the road, and as I was bound to the same place, we had agreed to keep each other ​company. Our bundles being next inspected, were found to contain nothing of a suspicious nature, except a number of pawnbrokers' duplicates, and these we respectively accounted for as relating to wearing apparel, &c., which our pecuniary distress had obliged us to pledge. This part of the story was indeed strictly true, and in any case corroborated, and gave an air of probability to my account. Nothing appearing to warrant the detention of my companion, he was discharged, but with a positive order to quit the town instantly. As to myself, having mentioned in answer to a query from one of the magistrates, the name of a certain gentleman, in London, who knew me and my family, his worship declared he was himself intimately acquainted with that gentleman, and as he was going to town the next day, he should make a point of referring to him as to the truth of my assertion. He therefore ordered a constable to detain me in custody until his return from London. I was accordingly confined in the officer's house, where I had every necessary accommodation, for the expense of which the magistrate himself very kindly became accountable. My companion visited me the same evening, prior to his departure, and I divided with him the money I had acquired. It was his intention to proceed direct to Portsmouth, and I promised, as soon as I was liberated to follow him, taking a direction whereby to find him on my arrival.
​The ensuing evening the magistrate returned from town, and immediately sent for me to his own house. Being brought before his worship, who was a brewer, named Sidebottom, I found him seated, not on the chair of justice, but on a stool in his accompting-house. The old gentleman began by remarking with some severity, on the impropriety and turpitude of my conduct, in withdrawing myself from the protection of my respectable friends, and traversing the country under such debasing circumstances. He said he had understood from his friend Mr. Howell, that my relations were both able and willing to take care of my fortunes. After a long expostulation to the same effect, his worship continued: "Perhaps you are not aware that it is in my power to commit you to bridewell for a month for begging without a pass." Then raising his voice and brandishing his pen, he exclaimed with a very pompous air, "Young man, I shall certainly discharge you." The two latter words relieved me from a momentary anxiety; for when his worship paused, I certainly expected he would add "commit you." He proceeded, "but, on the express condition that you immediately quit this town, and return to your friends. If you are found hereabouts after this night, expect to be severely dealt with." I gladly accepted these terms, and assuring the old gentleman of my compliance, took a respectful leave, his worship giving me a little more ​wholesome advice, and generously presenting me with half-a-crown, as he said, to carry me to London.
Being now discharged, I repaired to the Eight Bells, where I settled with my landlady, and learnt from her that my companion had left Kingston the preceding night at a late hour, by the Portsmouth coach. I slept this night at the Eight Bells, and the next morning returned to London, where on my arrival I found myself in possession of above five pounds, after all the impediments I had met with.
As I made a point of keeping my word with my late fellow-traveller, I determined on having one jovial evening in town, and resuming my journey the next day, by the same route as before, notwithstanding Justice Sidebottom's prohibition. As to presenting myself to Mr. Howell, or going near any of my friends, nothing was more foreign to my thoughts.
The following morning, I accordingly set out on my second expedition by the Kingston stage, and arriving at that town, took up my lodging at a public-house in the suburbs. Notwithstanding the check I had before met with, I was so hardy as to stop three days in Kingston, during which I levied contributions on most of the inhabitants, taking care to avoid that part of the town I had before visited, and I was so lucky as to meet with no interruption to my success. From Kingston I proceeded to Guildford, taking in my way, Cobham, Ripley, and ​the intervening villages; from Guildford to Godalming, thence to Liphook, where I altered my course, and took a circuitous route by the way of Chichester, to Portsmouth. This journey occupied about a fortnight, and arriving at Portsmouth, I soon found my late companion, D———, who was lodged at the house of an acquaintance, and not having yet obtained a birth on ship-board, had engaged himself as an occasional clerk and assistant to a tradesman in the town. I myself hired a small apartment in St. Mary's street, intending to remain a week or two in Portsmouth, where I had never before been, and to enjoy such amusements as the place afforded, as long as my money lasted. As my friend D——— appeared to have dropped the idea of going on ship-board, I became also careless on that subject, particularly as the motive which gave rise to that design (namely, poverty) no longer existed, for I was now possessed, after all the expenses of travelling, &c., of about fifteen pounds.
I spent several days in viewing the town, dockyard, fleet, &c., and in the evening generally visited the theatre, which was then open. About a week after my arrival, reading the Portsmouth weekly paper, I saw an advertisement for a clerk; and as I found that some means of subsistence would soon become necessary, and it was indifferent to me in what part of the kingdom I sojourned, I determined to offer myself. Inquiring, as directed, of Mottley, ​the bookseller, on the Parade, I was referred to Moses Greetham, Esq., judge-advocate, also an attorney of the first eminence. That gentleman, without hesitation, engaged me at a guinea a week, and I next morning commenced my attendance at his office in High-streets About the same time, my companion D——— suddenly quitted the town, without acquainting me of his intention; and I was informed, on inquiry, that he had gone to Southampton, but on what speculation I never learnt, nor did I ever afterwards see or hear more of him.
The nature of my new employment was very agreeable and full of variety. Besides Mr. Greetham's public duties on courts-martial, and his general practice as a solicitor, he had a great deal of business relating to prizes, their condemnation, sale, proceeds, &c.; and on these occasions all the parties concerned met in a spacious room at the Crown inn, where an elegant dinner, with wines in abundance, was invariably provided at the expense of the clients. These dinners occurred three or four times every week, and as they were afterwards succeeded by coffee, &c., the expenses of living, to myself and the other clerk of Mr. Greetham, who (as well as the latter gentleman), always partook of the entertainment, were considerably diminished. During intervals, between dinner, tea, &c., we retired to an adjoining room, where an hour or two was devoted to writing depositions, examining ships' papers, and ​other matters relative to the cause in question. This was, in fact, one of the best situations I ever met with, and, from its respectability, would, no doubt, had I continued steady, have ultimately led to prosperity and independence; but my evil genius interposed to ruin this, as well as all my former hopes of happiness.
The circumstance which occasioned my losing this place was indeed very trivial, and hardly amounted to a crime. Among the number of persons with whom we transacted business, was a native of Holland, who acted in many cases as an interpreter to Mr. Greetham, on the part of those concerned in prize causes. This man being an original, both in person and manners, was an inexhaustible subject of laughter to myself and fellow-clerk, who was much older than me, and we omitted no opportunity of indulging in mirth at his expense. As he was not possessed of much penetration and was of a very placid disposition, he was commonly insensibly of our jokes, or, at least, took them in good part; but one afternoon, when we were all three taking coffee together, the Dutchman rising from his seat on some occasion, with a cup of boiling hot coffee in his hand, my brother-clerk, who was just then in a merry vein, winked at me to withdraw this interpreter's chair. I obeyed the signal with alacrity, and the poor fellow, attempting to resume his seat, was in a moment thrown keel upwards, and, as ​he fell, received the boiling fluid full in his face. I was so unfeelingly mischievous as to laugh immoderately at the pain and embarrassment of the poor Dutchman, who certainly cut a most ridiculous figure; but my fellow-clerk, who possessed more prudence than myself, restrained his mirth, and, with a serious air, affected to condole with the sufferer on his misfortune. He even carried his hypocrisy so far as to express displeasure at the mischievous trick I had played. I felt much indignation at his duplicity of conduct, and regretted, when too late, that I had suffered myself to be made the dupe of his treachery; for I was afterwards convinced that he was jealous of my abilities, and feared I should supplant him in the favour of Mr. Greetham. The consequence of this injudicious frolic was, that the interpreter complained to my employer, who the next morning rebuked me severely for behaving with such unbecoming freedom towards a respectable man in his immediate service; and, observing that such levity of conduct rendered me unfit for his office, Mr. Greetham presented me with a guinea, although this was only the second day of the week, and declared he had no further occasion for me.
Being now once more disengaged, I began to think of returning to London; but, having still a little money left, I continued about a week longer in Portsmouth, during which time I took up my lodging at the Blue Posts' tavern, in Point-street, ​where I lived in the most sumptuous manner, drinking my wine freely, and pretending that I was waiting for the departure of the East India fleet, in which I was going out a passenger, and that I expected my baggage from town in a few days. I had, while in the service of Mr. Greetham, made several efforts to obtain clothes, &c., upon the credit of my living with that gentleman; but I found the Portsmouth tradesmen too wary to be imposed upon, and only succeeded to a very trifling amount. I had, however, bilked my late lodging in St. Mary's street, and intended playing the same trick at the Blue Posts. Finding, at length, that the landlord and waiters viewed me with scrutinizing eyes, and appeared tacitly to ask for payment of my reckoning, I left the coffee-room one evening after dinner, on pretence of going to the play, and immediately quitted the town, taking the road to Petersfield on foot.
On arriving at the latter place, which I had omitted in my journey downwards, by striking into the Chichester road at Liphook, I levied a small contribution, under the old pretext of going to Portsmouth, &c., and then pursued my course to London, where I arrived in good spirits, after an absence of eight weeks, with about ten pounds in my pocket, having lived well during my expedition, and enjoyed a variety of pleasant entertainment.