# Yawcob Strauss and Other Poems/Versified Puns

VERSIFIED PUNS.
    Some running rhymes, neither profound nor wise,
    To swell this book to a convenient size.
CRYPTOGAMIC.
    Augustus and Nelly were walking
    Through the meadow, one bright summer day
    And merrily laughing and talking,
    When some toadstools they saw by the way.
    "Do the toads really use these to sit on?"
    Said Nelly—" now don't make a pun, Gus,
    If you do, like the subject we've hit on,
    I'll deem it the meanest of fun - Gus."
PENNY WISE.
    "Can you tell me," said a punster
    Who had in our sanctum popped,
    And upon the floor was seeking
    For a penny he had dropped—
    "Can you tell me why, at present,
    I am like Noah's weary dove?"
    And he glanced with inward tremor
    Towards a gun that hung above.
    "Would'st thou know?" he queried, blandly,
    As he dodged the cudgel stout
    Which we shied at him in anger—
    "'Tis because I'm one cent out."
ADVICE FOR THE NEW YEAR.
    Sohpend someding less as vot you earns;
    Pay all der notes vhen dhey comes due;
    Don'd you forget von half you learns,
    Nor bite off dwice vot you can chew.
A FLOORER.
    Says Pat to his girl, " Be the Powers,
    A conondhrura I hev fur ye, dear!
    Why are ye like the goddess of flowers?
    Sure ye nivir will guess it, I fear!
    "The ansor I'll be afther givin':
    Now thin, d'ye mind, me swate Nora ?
    It's two shtories high ye are livin',
    That makes ye a rale second Flora!"
GOING THROUGH THE RYE.
    Sats the Captain to Pat,
    "Come, I'll have none o' that!"
    As Paddy of whiskey was drinking his fill.
    With a satisfied sigh,
    As he finished the "rye,"
    Says Paddy, " Be Jabers, I don't think ye will!"
ALL IN HIS EYE.
    He jumped on board the railway train,
    And cried, " Farewell! Lucinda Jane,
    My precious, sweet Lucinda !"
    Alas! how soon he changed his cry,
    And, while the tear stood in his eye,
    He said, " Confound Loose Cinder!"
FALL POETRY.
    A Certain young woman, named Hannah,
    Slipped down on a piece of banana;
    She shrieked, and oh - my'd!
    And more stars she spied
    Than belongs to the star - spangled banner.
    A gentleman sprang to assist her,
    And picked up her muff and her wrister.
    "Did you fall, ma'am ?" he cried;
    "Do you think," she replied,
    "I sat down for the fun of it, Mister ?"
EARLY RISING.
    "... Rise with the lark,
    And with the lark to bed—"
    Why for a pattern choose the lark—
    Rise in the morn while yet 'tis dark,
    And with the early bird to bed repair?
    Why not take bruin for example?
    Of promptness, pray, what better sample?
    'Tis said there's nothing s'urly as a bear.
TIME'S CHANGES.
    'Twas in Arabia's sunny land
    He wooed his bonny bride;
    His umber Ella, rain or shine,
    as ever by his side;
    But now he does not Kaffir her,
    No love tale does he tell her;
    He'd fain Bedouin something else-
    Alas ! poor Arab - Ella.
THE BACHELOR'S CONSOLATION.
    Oh, dear! this gout and rheumatiz,
    I fear I shall go wild !
    But though I am a bachelor,
    And have no chick nor child,
    I know that when I am no more—
    Let folks say what they please—
    Although I have no kith nor kin,
    I'll have my leg - at - ees.
PAT'S LOGIC.
    "THE greatest burd to foight," says Pat,
    " Barring the agle, is the duck;
    He has a foine large bill to peck,
    And plinty of rale Irish pluck.
    "And, thin, d'ye moind the fut he has?
    Full as broad over as a cup;
    Show me the fowl upon two ligs
    That's able fer to thrip him up!"
HOME MEMORIES.
    "Be it ever so humble,
    There's no place like home!"
    I'm sitting again 'neath the old elra - tree's shade,
    And viewing the fields where in childhood I strayed;
    The breeze fans my cheek, and the birds go and come,
    While I listen, entranced, to the bee's soothing hum.
    Hum, hum—sweet, sweet hum !
    Tho' it ever so humble bee—
    — !! — !!!*** He's stung me I vum!
COUNTRY SOUNDS. The humming of the bees, Wafted on the scented breeze,
And the robin's tender notes are very fine; But sweeter, far, to me Than the humming of the bee Is the melting tender loin' of the kine.
THE LOVER'S LAMENT.
"'!m sitting on this tile, Mary,"
He said, in accents sad, Removing from the rocking - chair
The best silk hat he had ; And while he viewed the shapeless mass,
That erst was trim and neat, He murmured, " Would it had been felt
Before I took my seat!"
ALMOST AN ARGONAUT.
'Twus in the fall of 'forty - nine
The gold fever broke out, 'N' I'd hev been a pioneer
Without the slightest doubt, But Molly, here, took on 'n' said,
" Ar go naut, dearest Joe !" I thought I'd argy not with her, So, boys, I didn't go.
WHAT'S HONOR.
Ask not the soldier in the battle's van,
Nor yet the statesman, uncorrupt as gold, But her beneath your own roof-tree, who can,
And will most willingly, to you unfold The secret. Bid her mark your neighbor's wife
When she her ample wardrobe seeks, to don her Fine garments; when she reappears, my life
I'll stake, your better half can tell what's on her.
CASABIANCA.
The boy stewed on the burning deck,
Whence all but him had fled; And when they shouted, " Leave the wreck!"
He turned and hotly said, " I'm goin' down with this 'ere ship—>
Hulk, mast, jib-boom, and spanker; And when I've made my briny trip,
You'll find Casa - by - anchor."
SHARP SHOOTING.
"I'M an archer, dear, no longer," Said a maiden fair and bright
To her beau, with lip a-quiver—- "Webster says, 'Toxophilite."'
Then she gave her beau a narrow, Searching glance, with pert grimace,
While he thought his love was archer Than Diana in the chase.
" William Tell me how you like it;" "Well enough," replied the wight;
"It is true, among the archers. Oftentimes, talk's awful light."
The Kirn,