# Cox and Box (complete)/Rataplan

​scene—A Room, decently furnished; at c. a bed, with curtains closed; at l. c. a door; at 3 e. l, a door; at 2 e. l. a chest of drawers; at back r. a window; at 3 e. r. a door; at 2 e. e. a fireplace, with mantelpiece; table and chairs, a few common ornaments on chimney piece. Cox, dressed, with the exception of his coat, is looking at himself in a small looking-glass, which he holds in his hand.
| Cox. | I've half a mind to register an oath that I'll never have my hair cut again! (his hair is very short.) And I was particularly emphatic in my instructions to the hair-dresser only to cut the ends off. He must have thought I meant the other ends! Never mind, I shan't meet anybody to care about so early. Eight o'clock, I declare I haven't a moment to lose. Fate has placed me with the most punctual, particular, and peremptory of hatters, and I must fulfil my destiny. (knock at l. c. d.) Open locks, whoever knocks! |
Enter Serjeant Bouncer.
| Bouncer. | Good morning, Colonel Cox. I hope you slept comfortably, Colonel. |
| Cox. | I can't say I did, B. I should feel obliged to you, if you could accommodate me with a more protuberant bolster, B. The one I've got now seems to me to have about a handful and a half of feathers at each end, and nothing whatsoever in the middle. |
| Boun. | Anything to accommodate you, Captain Cox. |
| Cox. | Thank you. Then perhaps you'll be good enough to hold this glass, while I finish my toilet. |
| Boun. | Certainly. (holding glass before Cox, who ties on his cravat.) Why, I do declare, you've had your hair cut! |
| Cox. | Cut! It strikes me I've had it mowed! It's very kind of you to mention it, but I'm sufficiently conscious of the absurdity of my personal appearance already. I look as if I'd been cropped for the Militia— |
| Boun. | The Militia!—I recollect when I was in the Militia. |
| Cox. | Ah! now he's off on his hobby. [Exit. |
| Boun. | Yes, we were mounted on chargers. I recollect upon one occasion, being seated firmly in my saddle for eight hours, and I don't recollect being able to sit down again firmly for a considerable period afterwards. |
RATAPLAN. (BOUNCER'S SONG.)
| Cox. | Well this is pleasant. This comes of having one's hair cut. None of my hats will fit me. Never mind, this one appears to me to wobble about rather less than the others (puts on hat), and now I'm off! By the by, Bouncer, I wish to know how it is that I frequently find my apartment full of smoke? |
| Boun. | Why—I suppose the chimney— |
| Cox. | The chimney doesn't smoke tobacco. I'm speaking of tobacco smoke. How is that? |
| Boun. | (confused) Why—I suppose—yes—that must be it— |
| Cox. | At present I am entirely of your opinion—because I haven't the most distant particle of an idea what you mean. |
| Boun. | Why, the gentleman who has got the attics is hardly ever without a pipe in his mouth—and there he sits for hours, and puffs away into the fire-place. |
| Cox. | Ah, then you mean to say that this gentleman's smoke, instead of emulating the example of all other sorts of smoke, and going up the chimney, thinks proper to affect a singularity by taking the contrary direction. |
| Boun. | Why— |
| Cox. | Then I suppose the gentleman you are speaking of is the same individual that I invariably meet coming up stairs when I'm going down, and going down when I'm coming up? |
| Boun. | Why—yes—I— |
| Cox. | From the appearance of his outward man, I should unhesitatingly set him down as a gentleman connected with the printing interest. |
| Boun. | Yes, sir, and a very respectable young gentleman he is. Good morning Colonel. [going |