# McClure's Magazine/Volume 31/Number 1/The Silly Ass

from May 1908, pp. 53-57; omitted
THE SILLY ASS
BY JAMES BARNES
"MARCIA," called the admiral, tapping lightly on the state-room door with the back of his finger-nails. "Marcia, my dear, I hope you're better. Come out with me; it's—oh, ah—where's Miss Marcia?"
The door had been opened by the courier maid, whose wilted and forlorn appearance was eloquent of her failure to live up to at least one item in her letter of recommendation.
"Miss Dorn has gone up to—ze deck, Monsieur."
"Humph! I didn't see her. When did she go?"
"Since early zis morning, Monsieur," rejoined the well-recommended one rather despondently.
Perhaps she might have gone on to say something more, but the admiral stamped down the passageway. The maid looked on her features in the glass much as one might inspect a barometer, drew a weak, despairing breath, and laid herself down on the sofa again, her relaxed person responding inertly to the steamer's vibrations.
Now, Admiral Page Paulding was as sweet-tempered an old sea-dog as ever retired from the employ of an ungrateful country; but foggy weather always worked a bit on his nerves—and what hands he had held that morning in the smoke-room! As he thumped up the rubber-carpeted staircase he knew that he was in a thoroughly bad humor, but made up his mind to conceal it. And there were reasons. When a man has reached the age when by all rights he should be a grandfather, and finds himself only a foolish old-bachelor uncle personally conducting a young niece of marriageable age and attractive exterior on her first trip to Europe, it may well be said: "Of each day learneth he experience." Aside from the avuncular privilege of paying bills, he had known the jealous promptings of a father, indulged in the self-communing suspicions of a mother, and supported smilingly the irritations of a chaperon. The enforced companionship of a courier maid does not lessen the perplexities of certain situations nor lighten the burden of responsibility.
If the truth be told, the admiral's retirement, this time, from what might quite properly be termed active service would be accompanied by no bitter heartburnings and regrets. Rather—yes, many times rather—would he con a fleet of battle-ships through the tortuous turnings of Smith Island Sound than again personally conduct one attractive and impulsive young female through the hotel-strewn shoals of Europe. There was that German baron in Switzerland, that dashing young lieutenant of cavalry in Vienna, and that persistent Englishman—oh, that persistent Englishman!—who turned up everywhere, and would not be turned down! There was a good deal back of the cablegram the old gentleman had sent Mrs. Horn, his sister, from Southampton, which had read:
Sailing Caronia, unentangled, on Wednesday.
"That means only three days more now," mused the admiral, recalling these words to himself as he came out on the promenade-deck. He stood there a moment, looking about him, hoping for a glimpse of a slim young figure. But no sign! His conscience smote him a little. Maybe he had been somewhat neglectful for the past two days; but then— All at once he noticed the remarkable change in the weather.
From a foggy, dreary morning it had grown into a crisp, sparkling afternoon. The long, sweeping seas, the aftermath of some heavy blow to the northward, had subsided. Passengers who had kept to their cabins, or who had huddled in the corners of saloon or library, were emerging on the decks. Those who had braved the weather rather than face the close air below looked up, mummy-wise, from their swathings with hopes of returning appetites.
It had needed but a short perusal of the passenger-list to show him that his niece and he had several acquaintances as fellow-travelers on this homeward and thrice welcome voyage. One of the swaddled objects suddenly turned and addressed him:
"Looking for Miss Dorn, Admiral?"
"Oh, how d'ye do—Mrs.——" For the life of him, he couldn't remember the lady's name. "Lovely day—er, yes; have you seen Marcia anywhere?"
"Yes; she's been walking up and down here for an hour with Victor Masterson and my——"
"With—what did you say his name was?"
"Victor Masterson."
"Is he an Englishman?"
"Oh, no; very much of an American, I should say—oh, most amusing and entertaining. My daughter has met him somewhere. I think you will find the young people up in that direction, playing some game or other."
The admiral thanked the swaddled lady and strode forward impatiently. All at once he stopped.
"I wonder," said he to himself, "if that's the silly ass I squelched t'other day in the smoke-room; just like Marcia to have picked him out!"
In the sunniest corner of the promenade-deck a quartermaster had laid the numbered squares of a shuffleboard. The game was over, but two young people still lingered, leaning against the rail. One was a tall, slender girl with red lips, red cheeks, tan-colored hair, and tan shoes, and the other was a very slight, extremely round-faced young man whose attire and manners could best be described as "insistent." He was one of the kind that appears in all weathers without a hat and that persists in attracting attention to large feet and bony ankles by wearing turned-up trousers, low shoes, and vivid half-hose. At this moment he was enjoying himself, and so was the girl.
"Was he large and rather red-faced?" she asked, following up something her companion was saying.
"Yes, with two bunches of iron-gray spinach growing down like this; and he beckoned me over to him and said, 'Young man, you're playing the clown'; and I said, 'You play you're the elephant, and we'll be a circus.'"
The round-faced one te-heed in a way that was contagious; Miss Dorn quite loved him for it.
"Do that again," she said.
"Do what?"
"Make that little squeak."
He looked at her with mock seriousness. "Oh, please don't! Please don't!" He spoke imploringly. "I am very touchy about my laugh—it's the only one I've got, you know. It's quite childish, isn't it? Never grew up. you know." He made the funny little sound again. It was like the bleating of a toy lamb when its head is twisted. "You know, they ask me how I do it. I don't know; I try to teach other people—they never seem to get it right. Do you like it?"
Miss Dorn laughed again and looked gratefully at him.
"Oh, I'm so glad I met you!" she said quite frankly—and then, mischievously: "I'll ask my uncle to forgive you, if you like."
"Your uncle!"
"Yes, the old gentleman with the—er—spinach."
If Mr. Masterson was simulating embarrassment, he did it very cleverly: he started to say something once or twice, changed his mind confusedly, and suddenly, putting the shuffle-board stick under his arm, began to imitate a guitar.
Miss Dorn applauded. "Splendid! You should play in the orchestra."
"Thank you." He smiled gratefully. "Listen; this is a bassoon. I have to make a funny face when I do it."
Miss Dorn clapped her hands. "Great!" she cried. "Oh, simply great!"
"A flute," introduced Mr. Masterson.
Miss Marcia chortled. "That's a funnier face than the last," she said.
"A cello."
"Good!"
"A violin," he announced.
"Not so good"; she smiled in appreciative criticism.
"I'll have to practise up on it. But listen to this. I'm all right on the cornet."
It did sound like a cornet, even to the tremolo and the tonguing. People were looking up from their steamer-chairs now, and one or two pedestrians had gathered about; Mr. Masterson had an appreciative audience. Encouraged, he essayed another effort. He wrinkled his comical face and pursed up his lips, starting three or four times, and shaking his head at his failures. The others were watching him much as they would a catherine-wheel that refused to ignite. At last he brought forth a puny little sound.
"I really don't know," observed the amateur entertainer blandly, "what that is."
Every one burst into roars, and it was at this moment that the Admiral hove in sight round the corner of the deck-house. When Miss Dorn looked up, Mr. Masterson was gone; the crowd, still laughing, was dwindling; and there stood her uncle. He had on what she termed his "quarter-deck expression." Before he could speak she had taken him by the arm.
"Where have you been, Nuncky dear?" she inquired most sweetly.
"Looking for you, my dear Marcia."
"For two whole days?"
"Well—er—yesterday I—er—thought you'd better be left alone, and—er—where did you meet that young man?"
"Oh, Bertha Sands introduced him—he's a dear! You came just a minute too late." Miss Dorn laughed and squeezed her uncle's arm. "He's so amusing. You'd love to meet him!"
"That silly ass!" grunted Admiral Paulding. "Not much. He makes my toe itch! I've got a good name for him—'the smoke-room pest.' He's always doing card tricks under your unwilling nose, pretending to sit on somebody's hat, upsetting the dominos! If he can get a laugh out of a waiter, he's perfectly satisfied. I squelched him the other day, I can tell you!"
"What did you do?" Miss Marcia asked the question with mock seriousness.
"Never mind; but I taught him a lesson. Marcia, my dear, you do pick up the most peculiar acquaintances."
"But, really, my dear Nuncky, he's so clever, so quick at repartee—m—m—I'd be afraid! Tell me how you did it."
"Never mind how; but let me tell you this! That young man would never say anything sensible if he could help it, and never do any- thing useful, even by accident! And I think that you, my dear Marcia——"
"It's been a perfectly lovely day," remarked Miss Dorn abstractedly.
II
As if in sheer perversity, the weather changed early in the evening, and the night that followed was punctuated regularly by the blast of the fog-whistle. The next day broke thick and damp, with a wall of impenetrable mist shadowing the great vessel to half her length. Over the tall sides the greasy green of the water could just be seen moving by. The masts and funnels disappeared irregularly overhead. The fog clung to everything; it rimed the rugs and capes of the passengers who feared the close air of the 'tween-decks and lay recumbent in the steamer-chairs, and it clung in little pearls to Miss Marcia Dorn's curly front hair, that seemed to curl all the tighter for the wetting.
With Mr. Victor Masterson at her side, she was walking up and down the hurricane-deck. His appearance was not quite so spruce or so comical this morning; he looked as if he had been dipped overboard. He still disdained a hat, and his hair was plastered over his forehead in an uneven, scraggly bang. The weather seemed also to have dampened his spirits. Miss Dorn found it difficult to lead him away from serious subjects; his ideas on mental telepathy did not amuse her, nor the fact that he was a fatalist.
"Oh, I wish you'd do something to make me laugh," she broke in suddenly.
"Are you ticklish?" inquired the Silly Ass quite soberly.
Miss Dorn could not help but titter; she was not at all put out.
"There!" said Mr. Masterson. "Now, you see, I have done it! Please thank me. Now let me go on. You know, there is no doubt that the mind of one person when thinking of——"
"Oh, don't let's think!" Miss Dorn leaned back against the rail, half hidden from the gangway. "Isn't it dreary," she said, "this weather? And look at those people all stretched out. I wish we could do something to wake them up! The whole ship seems to have the glooms—even the captain; he wouldn't speak a word to me at breakfast."
"I could wake 'em up," said Mr. Masterson emphatically. "I could wake the whole ship up, and the captain too, and the lootenant, and the quartermaster, and the squingerneer, and the crew of the Nancy Brig, if I wanted to—and your Uncle Admiral Elephant here, asleep in the steamer-chair."
"Why, sure enough, there he is!" cried Miss Dorn. "He's got the glooms, too; he says he always gets 'em in foggy weather at sea." She turned and touched Mr. Masterson lightly on the arm. "Wake him up!" she said, her eyes twinkling.
"I hardly dare."
"Oh, go on! I don't believe you can. How would you do it?"
"How would I do it? Why, just this way." He crumpled his hands together and blew between the knuckles of his thumbs a low, resonant, gruffly humming note.
They were hidden now by the bow of the life-boat and were standing quite close together. They noticed that the figure in the steamer-chair nearest them had suddenly raised itself a little and then had sat bolt upright. The old admiral, the mist in his gray whiskers, turned one ear forward and listened attentively.
The gray wall had grown a little whiter, less opaque; they could see now the whole length of the ship, out to the lifting stern.
"Oh, go on," tempted the girl; "do it again—louder!"
Mr. Masterson looked at her.
"Oh, please do," she pleaded; "real loud. I dare you to!"
He slowly raised his hands, the thumb-knuckles to his lips again. There sounded two deep, long-drawn, half-roaring, thrilling notes, for all the world like steam in the cup of a great metal whistle.
Footsteps, hurried and quick, rushed overhead on the bridge. A hoarse voice shouted orders. The quartermaster spun the wheel. Now:
"Full speed ahead, the starboard engine! Full speed astern, port!"
"Ay, ay, sir!"
There was the clank-clank of the semaphores, and suddenly two bursting, answering blasts that hid the huge funnels in a cloud of feathery white.
The admiral in the steamer-chair threw off his wrappings and leaped to the rail.
A loud, anxious hail from above: "Lookout, there forward! Can you make out anything?"
"Oh, see what I've done!" faltered the Silly Ass in a frightened whisper.
Miss Dorn grasped his shoulder.
There had followed a sudden cry that rose in a diapason of mad fear:
"Vessel ahead! Starboard your helm, sir! Starboard your h-e-l-m!"
The helm was already over; the ship was swinging wide. Another quick order. The second officer leaped again to the semaphores. The huge fabric trembled, racking in every plate, as both engines reversed at full speed, the screws churning and thundering astern. And now a rift came in the encircling fog, as if it had been cut by a mighty sword.
Clear and distinct, not half a cable's length away, wallowed a great black shape. The mighty bow swept veering past her quarter, then her stern, and clear of it by no more than thirty yards!
Only those few on deck outside of the weather-cloth saw the sight, and then for but an instant. Never would they forget it!
Lying low in the water, all awash from the break of her topgallant-forecastle to the lift of her high poop-deck, the green seas running under her bridge and about her superstructure, swayed a great mass of iron and steel of full five thousand tons! Ship without a soul! A wisp of a flag, upside down, still floated in her slackened rigging; swinging falls dangled from her empty davits. Then the fog closed in, and, as a picture on a lantern-slide fades and disappears, she vanished and was gone!
A white-faced boy looked up into Miss Dorn's frightened eyes. His lips moved, but made no sound.
On the bridge, the captain had grasped the second officer by the arm. "My God! Fitzgerald, did you see that? It was the Dracbenburg."
"Derelict and abandoned! But, by heaven, sir, she signaled us!"
The captain turned quickly. "Stop those engines!" he ordered hoarsely.
The tearing pulses down below ceased their beating; it was as if a great heart had stopped! The ship, breathless at her own escape, lay calm and quiet in the fog. The only sound was of the greasy waves lapping her high steel flanks. Yet——
Admiral Dorn, still standing beneath the bridge, with both hands grasping the rail, shivered and drew breath. What might have happened if— He looked forward. He imagined he could hear the crash, see the great bow sinking; he could hear the splintering of the bulk-heads, the screams of the people tumbling up the companionways, the panic and pandemonium, the mad rush for the boats, the horrid, slow subsidence. But it was not to be; the danger had gone by!
Now he remembered having heard that first low whistle before the two that had signaled so plainly: "I have my helm to starboard—passing to starboard of you!" And yet, well did he know that no fires blazed in those dead furnaces, no steam was coming from that rusty, salt-incrusted funnel. It was as if the dead had spoken to warn the living! He shivered once more, and staggered to the bridge-ladder, holding on and listening.
Three, four, five times did the Caronia's siren wail out into the stillness. No reply. And then the throbbing pulses took up their beat again.
Down in the corner of the main saloon, filled with chattering people, romping children, and game-playing young folk, who knew not what had passed on deck, sat the Silly Ass, the girl close to him.
"I'll never tell," she whispered. "What is it you're thinking of?"
The round eyes gazed into hers. "It's a long time since I did," he said.
"Did what?"
"Prayed! God made me a fool just to do this some day, I guess." His face showed the expression of a grown-up, sobered man.
On the bridge, the captain and the other officers were talking in low, awe-struck tones.