# The Magic pill, or, Davie and Bess

Date is estimated.
THE
MAGIC PILL;
OR,
DAVIE AND BESS.
A TALE.
EDINBURGH:
PRINTED FOR THE BOOKSELLERS IN TOWN & COUNTRY,
By R. MENZIES, Lawnmarket.
(Price One Penny.)
THE
MAGIC PILL.
IN yonder glen, beside a meadow; Liv'd Nanse, an auld, bien, honest widow, Wha had ae daughter, named Bess, An' Bessie was a bonnie lass. To ilka lad her mind was steckit, Excepting Davie, whom she liket; Wha was a braw, blythe, rustic Billie, As ever canter'd on a fillie, And counted it the height o' bliss,
To love, and be beloved by Bess, They pledg'd their oaths to join their hands, A weel as hearts, in marriage bands ; An' wi' the custom condescended, To tell Auld Nanse what was intended, Wha wi' a mother's transport bless'd them, An' a' the joys o' wedlock wish'd them. Now Nanse and Bessie to their likin' Made ready blankets, sheets, and tikin', An' ither things for back and bedding, In expectation o' the wedding. But, while they made sie preparation,
Poor Bess turn'd pale wi' sad vexation, For Davie took up wi' anither, And left poor Bessie a' thegither. Nanse, griev'd to see her Bessie mourn, Sae sair affronted, and forlorn, Set out'ae day, thro' dirt an' water, To get advice about the matter, Frae a learned doctor, she'd heard tell o', Wha had some drugs could fix the fellow. To wave description, how she, wan'erin' ​Athort the city lang gade daun'erin', How chiels and hizzies at her sneert, When for the doctor's house she speert, Suffice it, when we only tell At length she get him by himsel', An' after she a preface made, The case she thus before him laid: "Sir, I hae just ae only daughter,
An' mony a decent fallow's sought her,
But ane she lo'ed aboon the lave,
A lad she thought wad ne'er deceive- Ran soon an' late about her fleechin', His love sincere for ever preachin', An' solemnly swore my Bess wad mak' him A happy man, gin she was tak' him. She yielded-an' agreed for life To be his lawful married wife; But, Sir, as sure as I did bear her, Sinsyne he never looket near her, But rins to fairs an' markets ranting Wi' Meg, a neibour lass, gallanting, While Bess, still faithfu' to the chap, Wi' fient a lad has kiss'd a cap- Waes me! wi' the begunk she's gotten, She's lanely, heartless, an' begrutten; An' troth, I think, 'tis past contestin' Her grief will throw her in a wastin', Unless some means be us'd to get him, Or she hard-hearted turn, an' bate him. Now, Sir, ye were bred at the college, An' hae in kittle cases knowledge; For I am tald ye're up to a' things. 'Bout saul or body, grit or sma' things An' that ye hae amang your mugs Some wonder-working Glamour Drugs, Can set love's whirlgig in motion, An' gar a lover change his notion; For then I can ance erran' here, ​An' I shall hae them or I steer. O, Sir! exert your cantrip skill; Mak up the drugs, cost what they will; Gar Davie's love to Bessie fetter, An' mak' him maist gang daft to get her, Or he will live a man-sworn knave, An' she'll gang greetin' to her grave." The doctor glegly saw at once The silly whims o' simple Nanse,
And bade her wait a little space, Till he retired to weigh the case. When he return'd, he thus began "Now, Nanse, I've formed a sicker plan, Which, if fulfill'd as I direct, Davie will Bess again respect. But for your sauls the plan discover, Else a' is o'er wi' Bessie's lover; Disclosing it would play the de'il, For, look-ye! there's a Magic Pill, Which will do wonders, I'll avouch, If Bess could lodg't in Davie's pouch. "But she maun sit nae langer dreary, An' sigh, an' greet, an' look sae bleerie, But raise her spirits, an' be cheerie, Or that amazin' Pill ye've gotten Will be as useless as a button. "Then mark the course that she maun rin, To bring the faithless fallow in. "About your place, when there's a fair, If ye think Davie's to be there Let Bess gang too-bedecket fine, Look blythe, an' mak an unco shine, As she was wont-amang the chiels, When walking, or when dancing reels, An', by the bowl, whare funny tales An' pranks gang roun' an' mirth prevails, Let her, if Davie's in her view, As far as prudence will allow, ​Wi' gracefu' mien, an' pawky wiles, Keep up the joke and fun wi' smiles, And, if he ance had love for Bess, He'll hae an anxious secret wis' For her to dance, or sit beside him, An' if she's bid, she'll no deride him, But ha'flins frank, and ha'flins shy, For twa three minutes may comply, While modestly she'll act wi' caution, Say ay or no, an' watch his motion, An' mark the slee occasion weel To slip into his pouch the Pill,
Then rise wi' seeming indignation, An' leave him to his meditation, Sae, he'll believe she disna prize him. But scorns his slight, an' can despise him. "Now, Nanse, if Bess, by my direction, Gang thro' this plot wi' circumspection, I spae ye'll soon gie me a ca' To tell me he's your son in law." Nanse wi' the Pill gade happy hame, Gae it to Bess-laid down the scheme, An' Bess determined to gang through it, Tho' she should ever after rue it. Soon after this there was a weddin', At it threescore at least paradin', Bess was amang them busket braw, False hearted Davie, Nanse and a', An', Nota Bene, I declare, The pill incog, was also there.
Bess banish'd grief an' roused the spirit She once so happy did inherit,
Firmly determined if she cou'd To jundish Davie in the crowd. When ilk ane in the merry meeting Had cramm'd their kytes wi' dainty eating, The young folks on the floor did swiddle, An' cut their capers to the fiddle; ​Alternate join'd the bowl an' glasses; To drink and crack, baith lads and lassies, An' Bess, I trow, might bauldly boast, That night she was the greatest toast, For wi' the chiels she gat na slackin', For dancin', walkin', an' for crackin' When Davie saw her way say winnin' An' a' the chaps about her rinnin', A racking love-pain dirl'd within him, Yet reason coudna' ha'd nor bin' him. Tho' stung wi' guilt, an' blate wi' shame, He wished to share her smiles wi' them, Sae, with fear, hope, and agitation, Gae her a kindly invitation. She paused and hankert-he insisted, So down by Davie's side she rested, About themsel's he turned the talk, An' even proposed a private wal' While Bessie heard and said but little, An' seemed to care it not a spittle,- Sax minutes time did scarcely pass; When 'twas his turn to tak' the glass, An' notice, while the punch he sipped Sly in his pouch; the Pill she slipped; Quick up wi' majesty she started, An' bouncin' to the floor she airted, Whence back wi' her a spark came prancin', An' gart her wi' him fa' a dancin'. Poor Davie blushed-and ye could trace The rainbow colours flush his face, He naething said but pensive sat, Reflecting he'd got tit for tat; An' whiles by stealth with envy keekit At ilk blythe blade an' Bessie cleekit; Thought them halesale his mortal foes, An' keenly felt foreboding woes.- He tried to hate her but in vain,- This saul in love took lowe again, ​A love intenser far than ever, Yet durstna mint to seek her favour, While mirk despair, remorse and sorrow, His very inmost heart did harrow, Hc curst his fate thus anguish torn The weddin' left to shun her scorn, An' never woo'd anither lass,
For his thoughts center'd a' on Bess Auld Nanse 'bout six weeks after this
Manoeuvre o' her doghter Bess, Trudged to the town to ca' and tell Her famous doctor what befel, An' by gude luck she gat him snug Alane by his room chimly lug. "Wow, Nanse," quo' he, "I hope ye fe weel, How manag'd Bessie wi' the Pill?" "O rate!" quo' she, "the Pill did gran', Losh keep us! ye're an unco' man! For siç a wondrous cantrip flight, Ye surely ha'e the second sight! The like o' you can laugh at evils, At warlocks, witches, ghaists and devils! Ye ken the gate to shun and flie them, While like o' me maun warsle wi' them; I trow, ye soon gart Davie yammer, An' do's ye liket wi' your glamour. "Bess, wi' a courage unexpecket, In a' things did as ye direcket, I saw mysel'-nought was mislippen'd, An' ilka thing wi' wish has happen'd.- Whane'er Ire gat the Pill at ance It dang him dumb, and drave him thence. Some days thereafter he cam' cringin' To Bess, an' begg'd her pardon whingin', Tald her his mind wi' luve was racket, That he wad live and die distracket, If she refus'd to be his marrow, An' mak' an end o' a' his sorrows To short, less than a month they tarried, ​Till they were benket, cried and married.-
The Pill did a' without dissention, But, troth, 'tis past my comprehension. Now to mak' you a sma' amen's, Ha'e, there's a pair o'gude fat hens, I'm mair than a' that yet your debtor, Next time I kirn ye'll get some butter. But, Doctor, now as Bessie's gane, I wearie in the house my lane, I'm no dead auld-and there's a carle I lo'e 'boon a' men in the warl'! We ha'e twa houses while we're single, But ae house, ae bed, and ae ingle, I think, might ser'e us baith fu' weel, An' I could catch him wi' a Pill! So ye may mak' me up anither, And I shall pouch't whan we forgather. Then he to this request o' Luckie's Replied, "I thank ye for the chuckies, But my Pills ha'e nae sic a pith As move men still at limb an' lith, 'Tis only youths, wha ance were loving, Wi' a' their finest passion's moving, Whase lasses act as I direct, On whom the Pill has this effect, But if ye wish to try its power, Ye'se get a Pill will gi'e 'im a scour." "Hout, fie!" quo' she, "ye're jokin' now, Sir, But I may get him yet-Adieu, Sir." Now ye forsaken lasses a' Like Bessie fling your grief awa', Tak her example, when you can According to the doctor's plan; An' as ye'll a' be for a Pill, To charm your ilka faithless chiel, To save expence, as Doctors grup, I'll tell ye how to mak' it up, Tis made, nae doubt, o' precious matter, A curn o' flour made dough wi' water!
This work was published before January 1, 1929, and is in the public domain worldwide because the author died at least 100 years ago.
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