# Barry (TV series)

Barry is an American dark comedy television series created by Alec Berg and Bill Hader. It stars Hader as the eponymous lead character, a Midwestern hitman who travels to Los Angeles to kill someone and then finds himself joining the local arts scene.

## Season 1
### Chapter One: Make Your Mark [1.01]

    Fuches: When you meet Goran, don't be afraid to sell yourself. Remember that liquor distributor in Canton, you stabbed in the nut? I think Goran's the kind of man, who would find something like that intriguing. So work it into the conversation, to make him aware that, you know, you'll go there.
    Fuches: You want a hobby or something? You could take up painting! Yeah, Hitler painted! John Wayne Gacy painted, it's a good, solid hobby!
    Barry: You wanna know what I'm good at? I'm good at killing people. You know, when I got back from Afghanistan I, ah, was really depressed. You know, like I didn't leave my house for months, and, ah, this friend of my dad's, he's, uh he's like an uncle to me. He, uh, he helped me out and he gave me a purpose. He told me that, that what I was good at over there could be useful here and, uh, it's a job, you know? Alright, the money's good, and, uh, these people I take out, like they're they're bad people, you know, like they're pieces of shit. Um... But lately, you know, I've like, I'm not sleeping and, ah, that depressed feeling's back, you know. Like, like I know there's more to me than that. Maybe, I don't know, maybe there's not. Maybe this is all I'm good at.

### Chapter Two: Use It [1.02]

    Cousineau: Now, I wish I could say that this was the first time that one of my students was gunned down in the street, but it's not. And as much as it pains me to say it... It is most likely not the last.
    Cousineau: If I want pure sorrow, I call up Princess Diana's death. Or the day that my dad fell off the roof as a kid... Kerplunk. Or the next day, when he went right back up on that roof. [He looks to the sky.] Hi, Dad!
    Barry: Siri, what is "off book"?
    Hitman: Freeze, cowboy.
    Siri: Showing two results for "off book freeze cowboy".

### Chapter Three: Make the Unsafe Choice [1.03]

    Fuches: First time in LA? Yeah, I picked up on that, what you and the big guy were talking about there. When my partner gets back, you're gonna kill us, yeah? [He mimes a gun.] Pop! You know, there's a version of this where... you don't do that!
    Stovka: My whole life, ever since a boy... is death.
    Fuches: Well, you're a regular Family Circus cartoon.
    Cousineau: Alright, we're in a grocery store!
    Barry: Gum.
    Cousineau: Gum is at the register, Barry.
    Cousineau: Now, take a look around, what do you see?
    Barry: Soup.
    Cousineau: We see soup! What kinda soup?
    Barry: Um...
    Cousineau: Chicken noodle? Consommé?
    Barry: I don't know.
    Cousineau: What do you mean, you don't know?
    Barry: I don't know.
    Cousineau: Just look at the shelf.
    Barry: I can't.
    Cousineau: Why?
    Barry: Someone bought it.
    Cousineau: No one bought it, that's a lie!
    Cousineau: Just... surrender. Surrender to the soup, Barry!
    Fuches: Stovka, let me tell you something. You get on the 10 Freeway, it's the Christopher Columbus Transcontinental Highway, you can just drive and become whoever you wanna be! This is the country that invented Superman! And the women, oh my God, the women here! Stovka, they would love that accent of yours! If-- I know! I-- I know a couple of gals in Cleveland who would love-- How old a guy are you, Stovka?
    Stovka: Forty-five.
    Fuches: [chuckles] Jesus Christ. O-- Okay, uh, I know one gal--
    Stovka: There's nothing for me. I had a wife. A child. But they leave me. She say I'm broken. You talk of freedom? As long as I work for them, I never free. It will always be the same. My whole life, ever since a child, is death. There is only one true way out.
    Fuches: Yeah, I caught about half of that Stov, if you could take my cell phone outta my-- my pocket here, I can show you one gal. She's Cherokee! She's really wild!
    [Stovka shoots himself.]

### Chapter Four: Commit...To You [1.04]

    Cosineau: Barry, I gave you this monologue for a reason. To see if you were capable of playing a character with the mildest set of balls. You know, I'm starting to see a trend in your work, and it's disturbing, and it's this: You are deferential to every character in a scene except for yours! It's the way you read every scene. And if you're gonna be an actor, it's a big problem.
    Barry: Okay, listen. I guess what I just thought is that my guy was trying to help these other dudes achieve a goal, right? And if it was me, I would want them-
    Cosineau: You know what? That is so lovely. If it was you. Is that the way you see your life? As a human doormat?
    Barry: No.
    Cosineau: "No"? 'Cause that's all we've ever seen in here. And I'll bet you tits to donuts it's no different out there in the real world. You were in the service, right? Right? [Barry nods] Yeah, well, that makes sense, doesn't it? "Stand like this. Clean your gun. Swab the deck. Peel a potato." Barry, do you ever ask for what you need? Or do you just quietly feel shame at your own desires while sadly doing the bidding of others? "Dear Diary, today, I did what everybody else wanted me to do. Is that alright with you, Diary? Love, Barry." Is that the life you wanna lead? Look at me. Answer me.
    Barry: No.
    Cosineau: "No". You're just saying that because I told you to say it!
    Barry: Well, I don't know what you want me to say.
    Cosineau: I want you to fight for yourself, Barry. I want you to say it out loud. I want you to say out loud, "Hey, I want this!" Can you tell me one thing?
    Barry: All I want is to take this class.
    Cosineau: Well, you have ten seconds to make me believe that, fucko, or you're never gonna see the inside of this class again! And... Action!
    Barry: Fuches! I'm not doing it! Any of it, okay? I know it's what you want, but fuck you! Okay? There's a lot of things I wanna do, but you don't care about any of that! Take out a stash house all by myself? "Oh yeah, let's have Barry do it. He's fucking Jason Bourne!" Yeah! No! Fuck it! I'm out! So you're going back to Ohio, and I'm staying here, and that's it! Fuck you! Ow!
    John Hamm: I'm really proud of you.
    Barry: Thanks.
    John Hamm: Can I take a shit in your house?
    Barry: We have five guest rooms, take your pick.
    Detective Moss: Look at your little hands. You are so little. I could rock you like a baby.
    Cosineau: I would like you to rock me like a baby.
    Detective Moss: I could drop kick you in the middle of the restaurant, everybody would applaud and then I'd beat the fuck out of you.
    Cosineau: And I would let you do it.

### Chapter Five: Do Your Job [1.05]

    Barry: So, what, we just take out whoever threatens us? That's... toxic masculinity!
    Sally: Oh, my God! Are we really debating the morality of murder? I mean, that's what the play is about! Macbeth is a murderer!
    Barry: Yeah, well, then I guess, so am I! Right? I mean, I've killed people. What, I should just go blow my brains out 'cause there's no hope for me, right? My soul's fucked because I was ordered to kill someone and I did it? Y'know, that doesn't make me a psycho...
    Kirby: No... Barry, you're overreacting, we didn't say you were a psycho--
    Barry: You all just said that! Am I wrong? Isn't that what you guys are saying, that I'm a fuckin' psycho?! That's exactly what you fuckin' said! Y'know, it's really easy for you guys to sit here and weigh in on some shit that you don't know about, but it's, um, it's fuckin' lame, and it's not true.
    Taylor: It's gonna be a party.
    Barry: It's not really a party time; there's a good chance we'll die.
    Taylor: Fuck yeah.
    Barry: It's not really a high-five situation, or a fist bump situation.

### Chapter Six: Listen With Your Ears, React With Your Face [1.06]

    Cosineau: Janice. For three nights, you've come home and told me that everybody is 'up in your grill' at work because you can't let go of this crazy acting class connection.
    Moss: I never said 'up in my grill.' So you can just stop there.
    Cosineau: The point is... The point is, nobody believes that my class could be involved in Ryan's death except for you. I myself thought that you were questioning them because you wanted to be close to me. I was very flattered. But now I've gotta wonder: are you keeping them in play because you're trying to prevent us from becoming what we might become?
    Cosineau: Now I know it's only three days. But I'm 47 years old. I'm old enough to know a great thing when it comes knocking on my door in the middle of the night. We are breathing rarefied air and you know it. If we ran away from this because we were scared, wouldn't that be oh so very sad?

### Chapter Seven: Chapter Seven: Loud, Fast, and Keep Going [1.07]

    Cosineau: Are you on drugs, Barry? Because getting clean is an important part of an actor's journey. A little story to illustrate: I was doing Long Day's Journey into Night at the Pasadena Playhouse with a bunch of cokeheads. It's usually about a three-hour play. We could bring it in at just under thirty-seven minutes. We thought we were great! Apparently, we were unintelligible. It was the beginning of the bad years, Barry.
    Barry: I'm-- I'm not on drugs.
    Cosineau: You're not?
    Barry: No.
    Cosineau: ...Well then, that's very bad news for you.
    Chris: Okay, what if I just turn myself in, okay-?
    Barry: We're linked! We're linked. We're linked.
    Chris: They won't know anything about you! Nothing about you!
    Barry: We're linked on Facebook, Chris. I met your wife. You go to the cops, they'll figure it out. They'll find me, alright?
    Chris: No, they won't, because they won't-
    Barry: Yes, they will, they're looking for me!
    Chris: They won't know anything!
    Barry: They'll find out about me, they'll find out about Fuches, they'll find out about the acting class. Everyone will be dead, Chris-
    Chris: Well, I don't fucking care, Barry! I killed a guy! Okay, now you might be cool with this shit, but I'm not! I got a wife and I got a kid, okay?! And then- and- and- she fucking knew! She knew! She knew something was up! When I came home, she knew it! And then I lied to her, and I told her that I was- I- I was going to the gym? Just now? But when I go back, she's gonna know. She's gonna know something is up, and it's gonna come out. So that's it. That's it, okay? I'm going to the cops, and I'm gonna tell them everything. And I- If I've gotta do some time, fine. But I'm coming clean.
    Barry: Why did you say that?
    Chris: Why did you Facebook me, dude?! You're a fucking hit man, and then you fucking Facebooked me-
    Barry: WHY'D YOU JUST SAY THAT?!
    [A silence passes over. Barry turns to Chris.]
    Barry: I told you to get out of the car, man.
    Chris: You know what? It's cool. I can keep quiet. I'm cool. And I- I didn't tell my wife... y'know, that- That I was going to the gym. I- I told her that I was... coming to see you.
    [An SUV pulls up in the distance and a man steps out.]
    Chris: I- I know you're not gonna... do anything crazy, Barry. I know you're a good guy.
    [The SUV drives off]
    Chris: So I'm gonna- I'm gonna drop you off. And I'm g- I am gonna keep. My fat. Trap. Shut. And then, y'know, I- I promise you, no one will ever know any-
    [Barry holds Chris' hands to the steering wheel and pulls out a gun]
    Chris: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait-!
    [From outside, the gun goes off, splattering the front window in blood and shattering the driver's side window. Having left the gun in Chris' hand, Barry slowly walks away.]
    Barry: My Lord, the Queen is dead.
    [Cosineau walks in on an obviously stessed Barry, applauding]
    Cosineau: Barry! Bravo! I just saw you go to a place tonight I have never seen before! I don't know if you can do it again, but it was ama-
    [Barry punches a picture frame, screaming]
    Cosineau: ...Okay! I see you're still in that place, I'm gonna leave you to your process. You know, I have a few notes...
    [Barry tosses a chair across the room]
    Cosineau: They can wait 'till Monday.

### Chapter Eight: Know Your Truth [1.08]

    Barry: Janice, listen. I used to work for a man who who talked me into doing some really bad stuff. But that's not who I am, okay? I, uh, I realized what I was doing was wrong, and I, uh, I did everything I had to do to put it behind me. And I did it. It was hard, but I did it. And everything's so good right now. I'm a good person. I help people out. And if you could just walk away from this and forget about it, everybody's life will be better.
    Moss: You know I can't do that, Barry.
    Barry: Yes. No, yes, you can. Janice, you can, because we want the same thing. We- We wanna be happy. We want love. We want a life. And we're doing it, Janice. We're the same.
    Moss: But we're not. We're not the same, Barry. 'Cause I'm a cop and you're a fucking murderer.
    Barry: Can we please not do this? Please?
    Moss: It's done.

## Season 2
### The Show Must Go On, Probably? [2.01]

    Conineau: In my bedroom, under the bed, there's a mahogany box, and in that box is a pearl-handle .38 Special, screen-used from the movie Flashpoint, given to me by my former roommate, Rip Torn. Do you know how many times today I actually thought about going in there and loading it and giving it one last kiss?
    Barry: You wanted to kiss a gun?
    Cosineau: Suicide, Barry.
    Barry: Oh.
    Cosineau: Are you not familiar with the Japanese ritual of harakiri?
    Barry: The baseball announcer?
    Cosineau: I need you out of my house.
    Barry: Okay.
    [Hank holds up a pair of jogging shorts.]
    NoHo Hank: You have these pants in size medium?
    Barry: Those are women's pants.
    NoHo Hank: Shit.
    Barry: What the fuck are you doing here?
    NoHo Hank: Barry, it's me. It's Hank.
    Barry: I know it's Hank!
    NoHo Hank: In a wig.
    Barry: I know you're wearing a wig!
    NoHo Hank: The shirt's mine, though.
    Barry: I don't fucking care! What the fuck you doing here?!
    NoHo Hank: Classic criss-cross.
    Barry: That's not a criss-cross.
    NoHo Hank: I'm pretty sure it is.
    Barry: What the fuck are you doing--
    NoHo Hank: "What the fuck are you doing here, Hank?" Yeah, I know.
    Barry: Right, you need to get the fuck out of here. Leave, come on-
    NoHo Hank: You called me an idiot today. Me, the guy who, when Goran was coming to kill you, told you to get out of the dodge. I mean, saved your life.
    Barry: Right. Hey, man, let's do this...
    NoHo Hank: I come not wearing disguises. No more hiding. You have to understand -- I'm not asking you to do this hit. I'm telling you.
    Barry: Hey, Hank, relax, man.
    NoHo Hank: I am relaxed. 'Kay? I'm super relaxed guy. But now, I'm the boss, and you really disrespected me. So you're doing this. Because if you do not... I tell Goran's family who really kill him. And this place, and all your friends... they go bye-bye. Do you believe me now?
    [Barry shakes his head "yes".]
    NoHo Hank: You still think I'm "fucking idiot"?
    [Barry shakes his head "no".]
    NoHo Hank: Good. Good. Don't fuck with me, Barry. It's not polite.

### The Power of No [2.02]

    Loach: Hey, do you know this guy?
    Fuches: Is that a guy? Looks kind of gender-liquid to me...
    Barry: Am I, like—am I, like—like, an evil person?
    NoHo Hank: Oh, my God. I mean—absolutely. Do I not tell you that enough? You are, like, the most evil guy I know, man!

### Past = Present x Future Over Yesterday [2.03]

    NoHo Hank: Dude. How the fuck did you miss?!
    Akhmal: I don't know how to shoot gun!
    NoHo Hank: Hey. You know this about yourself, yet, when I ask you to come kill Barry, you say "okay".
    Akhmal: Hank. There is a power dynamic here which prevents people—
    [Akhmal is shot in the shoulder]
    NoHo Hank: What happen?
    Akhmal: I got fucking shot! Oh, Jesus—
    NoHo Hank: Okay, Akhmal, you got to get this shit together. Just stand up there and shoot him, all right? Believe in yourself!
    Akhmal: Fuck you, I just got shot!
    NoHo Hank: Oh? Well, I got shot, too, remember? Barry shot me precisely in same arm. Ooh, same spot! Wow, he's so good. But I wasn't a baby about it, was I? C'mon!
    NoHo Hank: Well, what do you want me to do? Go to John Wick Assassin Hotel with help wanted sign, I mean, what?
    Barry: You got good guys right here, man!
    NoHo Hank: Oh, my God, my guys suck balls! You know it! Especially this motherfucker right here!
    Akhmal: If I suck balls, you are king of Suck Balls Mountain!
    NoHo Hank: 50/50 with Cristobal!
    Mayrbeck: Is it true you are the most gifted assassin in all of America?
    Barry: No, I'm not the most gifted assassin in all of America.
    NoHo Hank: He's being modest. He is Air Jordan of assassins.

### What?! [2.04]

    [Barry notices Mayrbeck screwing around in training and fires off a gun next to his head]
    Barry: You think this is some fucking game? Think this is some fucking game? Huh? You lose your focus, you give the other guy a chance to fire, you're dead! KILL! That's the only word I want in your fucking head. "Kill".
    Barry: Look, today, a guy said something to me, and it, uh... made me mad.
    Cosineau: What'd you do? You thump him up, huh? Did ya throw him a little high heat? A little chi music? Hey, Barry, we're both Alphas. I understand.
    Cousineau: So here's my advice. You never tell that story again as long as you live 'cause basically, you killed somebody and you got away with it.
    Barry: See, that's why I didn't wanna tell you. This is why I didn't wanna tell you, 'cause you're gonna look at me differently. You're gonna look at me... like I'm a murderer, like I'm a- like I'm a violent piece of shit...
    Cousineau: Barry? Listen to me. I had a son. I was terrible to this son. I was cruel. I was selfish. And there's nothing I can do to change that. But I don't want to be that guy anymore. And I pray that human beings can change their nature, because if we can't, then you and I are in deep trouble.
    Barry: Wh- How do we do that?
    Cousineau: I think we're doing it already. You didn't beat that guy up, did you? You came here. We're talking about your feelings instead of acting out your feelings. And as for my son, the first time I reached out to him after years and years, I got a big "Fuck you, dad!" But today... today, he brought me strawberries.
    Barry: Do you think I'm a bad person, Mr. Cousineau?
    Cousineau: I think you're deeply human. You did a terrible thing. But do I think that defines you? No. That's why I don't think you should tell this story in front of the class. Also, they will shit themselves. I mean, they're children.
    Loach: Do you have any idea what it's like to- to fuckin' love somebody and have some motherfucker come along and take them away from you?! DO YOU?!
    Barry: I'm sorry about Janice.
    Loach: What- not Moss!
    [Loach pulls out his phone and shows Barry a picture]
    Loach: That's Ronny Proxen. He's fucking my wife. You get rid of him, and all this goes away.
    [Beat]
    Barry: What?!

### ronny/lily [2.05]

    Fuches: [Seeing Barry's wounds] Ah! Jesus! What'd he do, hit you with a fuckin' cleaver?
    Barry: It wasn't Ronny.
    Fuches: What do you mean, "it wasn't Ronny"?
    Barry: No, it was his daughter. I think he... He trains her, or something, 'cause she was like a... like a feral mongoose.
    Barry: I'm not killing a kid, Fuches. Plus, I don't... I don't think she's of this world.
    [After Lily climbs a tree and jumps onto the roof of her house]
    Fuches: Okay, she's not human.
    Barry: That's what I said, man.
    Fuches: She's something else, I don't know what.
    Barry: That's what I told you, dude.
    Fuches: Alright. What do you wanna do then, huh? I mean, in an ideal world, we'd just burn down the house.
    Barry: I gotta go to a hospital!
    Fuches: Is that her?!
    Barry: It's a trash can!
    Fuches: What do you want me to get?
    Barry: Needle and thread! For stitches! Because I'm dying!
    [Lily bites Fuches' cheek]
    Fuches: Barry. Kill her.
    Barry: Just take her off your face.
    Fuches: I can't.
    Barry: Why?
    Fuches: 'Cause I super-glued my hands to the steering wheel.
    Fuches: [Watching Lily run away] WHAT ARE YOU?!

### The Truth Has a Ring to It [2.06]

    NoHo Hank: ...I meant my word. I'm Honest Gabe.
    NoHo Hank: Are you fucking serious? Are you fucking kidding me right now?! You just fucked this moment! This beautiful, tender moment with your accordion! You just... whipped out your accordion, and you fucked it, man!

### The Audition [2.07]

    Cosineau: An audition?
    Barry: Mm-hmm.
    Cosineau: You? Have an audition? What, are they reading extras now?
    Barry: That is so weird! Sally said the same thing.
    Cosineau: What's the part?
    Barry: It's a guy named, um, J.T. in a movie called Swim Instructors.
    Cosineau: How many of these did you print?
    Barry: It's just one. It's four scenes.
    Cosineau: Holy moly! J.T. is on every page! That's a lot of lines, Barry.
    Barry: Yeah, I think he's one of the leads.
    Cosineau: [Gasps] No! You say, "Oh, we're just a bunch of swim instructors." That's the title! They can't cut that!
    Cosineau: I'm trying to give you the view from ten thousand feet before we dive in and break it down scene-by-scene. So, Scene One: Loss.
    Barry: Mm-hm.
    Cosineau: Scene Two: You shit in a pie.
    Barry: So, uh... relief?
    Cosineau: No, I think It's a little more nuanced than that; I think it's about vengeance.
    Barry: Okay.
    Cosineau: And then, Scene Three: Whoopsie! You eat the shit pie. Comeuppance. "He who seeks revenge digs two graves", Barry. It's a tale as old as time.
    Cosineau: Whose cock did you have to suck in a former life?
    Barry: Hey, Ike, you shitbird! [High-Pitched] You want a little pie? Mr. Cousineau said I should, um, put a little mustard on "pie" there-
    Sally: I'm sorry. Can we, um Can we stop?
    Barry: Sure.
    Sally: For a second. I just I feel like I need to say something, Barry.
    Barry: Okay.
    Sally: This piece that I'm doing for class. It's exactly what I should be doing.
    Barry: Yeah, no, and it's great! What you're doing is-
    Sally: I'm terrified, okay? Because my piece is real. It's not a character. It's me. Raw, unapologetic truth with a capital "T. " I mean, all caps, actually. I'm thinking like a writer now. I mean, this was stuff that I couldn't even talk about without lying. And here I am, about to strip naked in front of a bunch of strangers and share something that I am massively ashamed of -- Not literally. I don't believe in nudity unless it drives the story forward. -- I'm afraid that they're gonna judge me, and I'm afraid that Sam's gonna find out and do something crazy. But I have to do this. It's it's my story to tell. But then, I mean, so many other women have the same story. What, am I a spokesperson for them now? Could I be the face of a movement? I mean, what if I get it wrong? I mean, I resent the fact that Nick can get up there and talk about his "stomach condition," and it's not like he has to be the poster boy for bulimia. But I get up there, and whatever I say, it's like, "What are we saying about women?" I mean, this is just my story! "But what if you get it wrong, Sally?" "I don't know." "You can't get it wrong, Sally. But you can't not tell it either, Sally, because it's who you are." Which makes this thing that my agents sent me on today so fucking insulting. Payback Ladies? It's just another shit male idea of what strong women are. Oh, oh, oh, "Grab a gun and some stilettos and get a goddamn blowout. And look how strong you are now, Sally!" It's bullshit! Which, by the way, so is this. It's quite possibly the worst thing I've ever read. But you want to know the worst part? You want to know what's really driving me fucking crazy? I am so jealous that you're reading for this. I have never had a director's session for a feature, which is the same thing as a movie, P. S. And I have been doing this for way longer, and I think you'd agree that I am way better. I made you! And I'm actually represented by Gersh. Well, at least I was. I don't even know if they'd rep me anymore after what I said in there today, but still at least I held my ground, because I am an artist, okay, an artist, and this is not fucking art. But then, I mean, to be honest, of course I'm so happy for you. I mean, of course I want you to get this part, and I want to be the one to help you learn your lines and fix your inflections. But I need you to know that if you do get it, it's gonna make me like like a hundred times more insane. Okay? [Sighs] Continue.
    Barry: Hey, Ike, you shitbird! You want a little pie?
    NoHo Hank: Hey, guys, since we're all about to die in a moment, I have to be honest about something, okay? I have been deceiving you guys and before we die, I have to come clean. I know you look at me and you see hard as nails criminal, stone-cold killer, Iceman. But, uh... This is lie. In fact, I have been lying about who I am my entire life. Real talk? I should not be manager of crime syndicate! I should be manager of hotel -- chain of hotels! Instead of being this conning man, playing the role of the ruthless gangster. I mean, that is not who I am, because the truth bomb of it is -- maybe not a lot of you, so be it. I'm nice. I'm polite. I'm optometrist by nature, you know? But because I did not have courage to stand up and be my true self, nice guy, and instead chose pants-on-fire existence, we are all on the barbecue bus. So, guys, I am really sorry for, uh, convincing you I was ruthless leader. I will regret it for the rest of my life. Probably two more minutes. So, in closing, hopefully there is afterlife, and I can host you all in heaven and make you delicious appetizers. Wouldn't that be something, guys? Guys? Guys!

### berkman > block [2.08]

    Fuches: Murder... Je- I used to think people like you were the shit, man. Badasses like yourself always fascinated me. But- But doing it, y'know, actually pulling the trigger, ending a life... that takes someone with no soul.
    Fuches: You know... you could save your little acting teacher. You know that, right?
    Barry: I'm gonna fucking kill you, Fuches.
    Fuches: All you have to do is turn yourself in. Give it all up for him. Yeah? Not so altruistic now, are you motherfucker? Now who's out of moves? Bye bye!
    Mae Dunn: Okay. You're free to go!
    Barry: Can I see Mr. Cousineau?
    Dunn: Oh, no, we think he killed his girlfriend, so he's staying here with us.
    Fuches: Barry Berkman did this.

## Season 3
### forgiving jeff [3.01]

    Barry: I thought you wanted to watch him suffer.
    Charles: I know, but, um... he's asked for my forgiveness. Y-- Y'know, he made some valid points! So, uh... I'm forgiving Jeff.
    Barry: ...you're forgiving Jeff.
    Jeff: I'm sorry I fucked your wife.
    Charles: He's sorry he fucked my wife! [He laughs.] Y'know, and she's no saint either! Okay? There's a whole history we don't need to get into! I- I... I think I just overreacted.
    [Barry shoots Charles and Jeff before walking off to his car. He shouts to the corpses behind him:]
    Barry: There's no forgiving Jeff!
    Cristobal: I can't make anything happen until I rebuild. Your little boyfriend Barry killed all my buddies. You know this.
    Hank: Well, you know that he killed most of my buddies, too.
    Cristobal: I don't want to talk about Barry! When I do, I can't sleep. Plus... He killed all my buddies.
    Hank: We both had buddies killed.
    Cristobal: You have some buddies. I have no buddies.
    Hank: Barry. Forgiveness is something that has to be earned. And whatever shit you're going through? I can't be part of it. I'm embracing my life. It's like that line in Shawshank Redemption... "Get rich, or die trying."
    Barry: You look good!
    Gene: So do you.
    Barry: Downstairs looks like a lot of work.
    Gene: It is.
    Barry: Must be hard, uh, closing up this place. So, if you're not teaching anymore, are you gonna go back to performing, or...?
    Gene: My career is shit, Barry. You know that.
    Barry: Well, are you, uh... doing well otherwise?
    Gene: Remember that day in the woods? I've been thinking about that a lot. Remember the guy that took me into the woods? What was his name? Like the singer... Goulet. Kenneth Goulet.
    Barry: Yeah.
    Gene: After he popped the trunk... and I saw what I saw... He whispered into my ear. He said "Barry Berkman did this." I know you killed Janice.
    [Gene reaches under his desk, pointing something at Barry.]
    Gene: So, you have two choices: Come with me to the station, turn yourself in. Or fuckin' die.
    Gene: Look... I promise you, this is water under the bridge! Whatever you've done, I've forgot it! I've forgiven you! I forgive you!
    Barry: Forgiveness has to be earned...
    Gene: Then fuckin' earn it!

### limonada [3.02]

    Barry: [about Cousineau] If you actually felt that way, you do something about it, but you're not doing anything about it, so now I have to do something about it. I came here for your help and you're not giving it to me.
    Sally: Are you okay? Because you seem a little manic.
    Barry: I'm worried about him.
    Sally: So am I. Which is why I tried to get him on my show. We're saying the same thing.
    Barry: [slaps his face] WE ARE NOT SAYING THE SAME THING! WE ARE NOT SAYING THE SAME THING! IF I DON'T DO THIS, I DON'T LIVE! I HAVE TO DO THIS TO FUCKING LIVE!
    Sally: [starts laughing]
    Barry: Don't fucking laugh at me! My whole life! My whole...fucking life!
    Sally: Barry.
    Barry: I need you to do this for me now! NOW! Do it! DO IT!
    Sally: Okay, I see...you're very upset right now...look, I, I, I'm sorry...I tried...and I, I, I can't.
    Barry: Shit.
    Cousineau: So you're going to hold me hostage until you book me a part? That's not the way it works. We're talking about me here. That could take years. Look what I'm saying to you is that your plan sucks. Look, I swear on Janice's soul I will not say a word to anyone-
    Barry: It's either this or I kill you.
    Cousineau: You're one of the good guys Barry. You did a horrible thing. But I see your pain. It is the same pain you came to me with, fresh out of the army. A lost soul. No one to tell you your worth. I took you in. Not only did I teach you to be a good actor, I taught you to be a good human being. And this is how you repay me? By killing me?
    Barry: I love you, Mr. Cousineau.
    Barry: I told that casting director our story and he was so moved...that he gave us both parts. So you're going to enjoy everything that comes with being given a second chance...because if you don't...this one [gestures to Gene's grandson]...and that one [gestures to Leo]...go away. Do you understand?
    [Gene nods]
    Barry: [emotionally] I love you, Mr. Cousineau. Do you love me?
    [Gene nods again]
    Barry: Can you say it?
    Gene: [contemptuously] I love you, Barry.
    Barry: ...can you say it again?

### ben mendelsohn [3.03]

    [Cousineau sits in his trailer, alone. From somewhere offscreen, Barry enters.]
    Barry: They let me keep my beard! Yeah, they said some Pharma guys actually have a beard like this.
    [Barry pats Cousineau on the shoulder. Cousineau flinches and rolls both his shoulders. Barry groans and sits across from him.]
    Barry: Wanna run lines? Yeah, alright. "What I did was terrible, and I'm truly sorry."
    Cousineau: "I accept your apology."
    Barry: That was great! Ah, man. This trailer is nice! I might go over to the Wheel of Fortune building, take some pictures--
    Cousineau: Did she suffer?
    [A prolonged beat as Barry's smile slides off his face. He shakes his head "no".]
    Cousineau: But she figured out that it was you she was looking for. And I invited you to my cabin...
    [Barry sighs.]
    Cousineau: Who was that guy that took me into the woods?
    Barry: He's nobody. Actually, y'know what? That's not true; I wanna be honest with you because I think we have a good thing going here, um... He's a family friend. He's actually kinda like a--
    Cousineau: An uncle? He got you into this line of work? So that monologue... that you gave me when I first met you, that was fuckin' true! And then I said it again at the dinner table... And she knew it was you.
    Barry: Hey, we don't need to rehash all this--
    Cousineau: If I didn't say anything... She'd be alive today.
    Barry: Aw, no, don't put that on yourself, Mr. Cousineau. No, she was good at her job. The whole thing's just really unfortunate, y'know? Look, I believe -- a-and some of this, I got from your teachings -- that... That, that you can be the version of yourself that you wanna be.
    Cousineau: I never said that to you.
    Barry: What I'm saying is... is that I never would've learned that if it wasn't for you.
    Cousineau: So I'm responsible for who you are?
    Barry: The positive side, yeah! I mean, meeting you changed my life for the better, you know?
    [Beat]
    Barry: Look, we've both done terrible things in our lives, but we're helping each other... make up for it! Ya know? I mean, you got a line! [Barry chuckles sardonically.] You're welcome.
    [Fuches and Barry are on a phone call.]
    Fuches: I wanna say... I'm sorry, for whatever it is you think I did to hurt your relationship with Mr. Cousineau.
    Barry: Okay.
    Fuches: Okay, good! Good. Uh, now in the spirit of that comment, is there something you'd like to say to me?
    Barry: No.
    [Beat.]
    Fuches: I'm dying, Barry. I'm in the hostpital. Doctors are being cagey -- not a lot of eye contact. So if there ever was a time you did wanna say something to me, now would be that time.
    Barry: Are those goats in the background?
    Fuches: I can give you some apology options off the top of my head, Barry -- "I'm sorry I shot at you! I'm sorry I ruined your heroin deal with the Burmese!"
    Barry: Alright, I don't have time for this, okay? Me and Mr. Cousineau are fine, please don't call me again. Alright?
    [Barry hangs up his phone. It buzzes again.]
    Barry: Yeah.
    Fuches: The fuck do you mean, you and Cousineau are fine?
    Barry: I mean we're fine. We worked our shit out together. Actually, we're working together today.
    Fuches: Oh, you're working?
    Barry: Yeah! On a show called Laws of Humanity.
    Fuches: ...That's a great show.
    Barry: And I know you told him I killed Janice, but we hashed it out. Like adults. So there's no need to apologize, because your old fuckin' plan didn't work.
    Fuches: Ah, you're good, are ya? You're never gonna move past that! You destroyed that guy's life!
    Barry: Yeah, well now I'm making it up to him. By acting.
    Fuches: How the fuck do you do that?!
    Barry: Why do you care?
    Fuches: I don't care!
    Barry: Well you obviously fuckin' care, you called me!
    Fuches: You called me.
    Barry: You are fuckin‍'‍ nuts, man! Also, I know you're on a farm or something because I can hear goats in the background.
    Fuches: Maybe I'm at the zoo, with my new best friend!
    Barry: Thought you said you were at a hospital.
    [Fuches screams into the receiver and throws his phone on the ground.]
    [Barry and Cousineau are filming their scene together. Gene (playing a widower) sits in a chair while Barry (a Pharmaceutical head) stands behind him.]
    Barry: Sir, my, uh... company knowingly hiked the prices of a drug that would've saved your wife's life. What I did was terrible, and I'm truly sorry.
    [A beat. Gene slowly stands and turns to face Barry. They stare each other down for a few seconds before Gene takes a wild swing, striking Barry across the jaw.]
    Cousineau: I want you to stay away from my family! Fuck you and don't talk to me anymore you piece of shit!
    [Gene storms off the set.]

### all the sauces [3.04]

    [Barry stands outside Sally's show premiere. Sally approaches him.]
    Sally: Hey.
    Barry: I missed it.
    Sally: Yeah, you did.
    Barry: Ah, fuck. I'm sorry. You look great.
    Sally: Thanks.
    Barry: How did it go?
    Sally: Honestly? It was... the greatest night of my life.
    Barry: That's great! Hey, I'm sorry...
    Sally: Barry, we're done.
    Barry: What, because I missed the premiere?
    Sally: The way you yelled at me the other day, at the office? I-- It sent me to a place I never wanna go again. This relationship isn't good for me.
    Barry: Wait, are you serious? I had a bad day! Wha-- I can't have a bad day?!
    Sally: I'm gonna stay at Natalie's, so I need you to go to the apartment and pack up your stuff and move out.
    [Sally walks to her car.]
    Barry: No, no, no, no, hey-- Sally! Sally!

### crazytimeshitshow [3.05]

    Barry: I'm just gonna freak her out a little bit
    Sally: Freak her out how?
    Barry: Oh, there's a lot of ways. It's, you know... nothing bad. No, it's just... like, for instance, I could... send her a picture of herself sleeping. You know, just as a way of being like, "Hey, not cool what you did to Sally, you know?"
    Sally: ...so you'd break into her house?
    Barry: Oh, she'd never know I was there. The whole point is to isolate her and make her feel like she's going insane. So, I would just do little things, like replace her dog with a slightly different dog, or, you know, change the furniture in her house so she thinks she's shrinking. You know, basic stuff. Most of it I learned in the military. Some of it on a subreddit. You know? Basically, just plant a seed, and then they just kinda hang themselves, so it's super nonviolent. But by the end of it, like, her brain will have essentially eaten itself, you know? But that's on the table if you want it. Okay?

### 710N [3.06]

    Barry: What'd you put in the sauce?
    Sharon: Die, you motherfucker.

### candy asses [3.07]

    Jim Moss: I was in 'Nam. I was a fighter pilot.
    Fuches: No shit.
    Moss: Yeah, got shot down. Captured.
    Fuches: Candy asses. They make you talk?
    Moss: I got in my interrogator's head and he ended up committing suicide. Me and some of the other guys escaped.
    Fuches: ...you convinced your interrogator to kill himself?
    Moss: Yeah! Some of the other guys said I had an aptitude for it. But, uh, I thought I was just being nice, but when I got to SERE school, they pulled me out of class and made me an instructor.
    Fuches: And the guy killed himself? Hm. Was he depressed?
    Moss: I wanted my daughter, Janice, to get into it, but she resisted. She said "Daddy, what you do is fucked up."
    Fuches: Did you get any sense of his home life?
    Moss: Yeah, and then she went and did her homicide thing. I was proud of her.
    George Krempf: You know the sound of kids' footsteps early in the morning? I still hear it. I can hear him in his room on his computer. I'll talk to him from my office across the hall. [laughs] Full conversations. My wife says I'm... losing my mind. She, uhh, she thinks this city turned him into some devil. I... I never wanted to hurt anyone my whole life. Until we had Ryan. Oh, the love I had for that child. It terrified me. I mean... what would I do if something happened to him? [laughs] A-and then I-I found what you did and... I can't. I-I-I could leave you here, and you'll rot. But I can't. Why? [sighs] Why? I want to see my son again.
    Sally: ...so you have your own show?
    Natalie: Yeah.
    Sally: Hm. What's it about?
    Natalie: I play a single mom, I have a cupcake store with my daughter in Central Park.
    Sally: What's it called?
    Natalie: "Just Desserts".
    Sally: So you stole my show.
    Natalie: No, it's actually a really important story to me, I--
    Sally: It's not a story... It's a fucking math equation!
    Natalie: I'm actually feeling really uncomfortable right now...
    Sally: You have nothing to say about anything, you've never struggled a day in your whole fucking life! You've-- Nobody's ever put a hand around your fucking neck, this was my story! My story! You don't even have a fucking daughter!
    Natalie: Neither do you, Sally!
    [Sally roars, slamming her hand against the wall.]
    Sally: You are nothing without me! You are NOTHING! Nobody-- Stupid piece of shit! I brought you into the fold, and this is how you fucking betray me?!
    Natalie: I moved your carrots for you!
    Sally: You entitled CUNT! YOU ENTITLED FUCKING CUNT! YOU ENTITLED FUCKING CUNT! You entitled fucking cunt!
    Fuches: You ever wonder why Chris, who never saw combat, was basically a computer geek, would even have PTSD? Oh, he loved Sharon and Theo, they were his whole world. Why would he take himself out, knowing something like that would fuck them up for life? Well, that, uh, switch you saw go off when Barry was "avenging" you? I harnessed that into a very lucrative job for him. One day, I sent Barry out on a mission, went sideways, and, well, Chris... He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Saw some shit he shouldn't have. Y'know, Barry still participates in those charity runs that Sharon does in Chris's memory? Barry's a good guy.
    Sally: My show. Is me, Lindsay. And she stole my fucking show!
    Lindsay: If you had just let me deal with this, instead-- Why did you have to say something?
    Sally: Oh, fuck off! You don't care about me! You don't care about Joplin! You just care about your commission! "Oh! Oh, it's so important to have a-- a great relationship with BanShe!" You want the relationship with BanShe, not me. You work. For me! And I am fucking drowning! And instead of trying to help me, you're just trying to save yourself! This is honest, okay? This is the honest fucking truth. And if that makes me unhireable, then I am fucking unhireable, but at least I told the fucking truth!
    Lindsay: ...I have to drop you.
    Sally: ...Good. 'Cause I don't wanna work with liars.

### starting now [3.08]

    [Out near the tree that the season started with, Barry kicks the member of the motorcycle gang that Sally killed into a shallow grave. He has just finished his handiwork when a voice calls out:]
    Albert: Berkman!
    [Barry freezes, clearly recognizing the voice. He turns around and approaches his former war buddy to get a closer look.]
    Albert: What're you doin', Berkman?
    [Barry can only stare, slack-jawed.]
    Albert: How much you get for that asshole over there? Huh? How much did they pay you?
    [Barry regains some of his composure and swallows, ready to respond, before Albert asks:]
    Albert: How much did you get for Chris? Huh?! How much, Berkman?
    [Barry falls to his knees.]
    Albert: HOW MUCH DID THEY GIVE YOU FOR CHRIS?! 'Cause he was an innocent, Barry! You gotta tell me right now, Barry. Why? Why Chris?
    [Barry begins to shake, breathing heavily.]
    Albert: He was a sweetheart, he looked up to you! But you had to take him out, right? You need to tell me, Barry! Why Chris?!
    [Barry remains silent.]
    Albert: Tell me, Barry! Tell me! TELL ME RIGHT NOW!
    [Barry's shaking resumes and he begins to hyperventilate.]
    Albert: DON'T JUST FUCKIN' SIT THERE, YOU FUCKIN' TELL ME! YOU NEED TO TELL ME--! ENOUGH!
    [Albert pulls out his gun and advances on Barry. Barry screeches, curling into a ball on the ground.]
    Albert: ENOUGH! SHUT UP!
    [Barry's cries devolve into hysterical weeping. Albert stands above him with the gun.]
    Barry: No-- Please! Don't-- No! No..!
    [Albert lowers the gun.]
    Albert: Look up, Barry. Barry. B- Barry, listen to me, calm down. I got a daughter. Her name is Elsie, she's eight years old. She wouldn't be here if you hadn't saved my life. I know evil, Barry. And you're not evil. But this... has to stop. All of it's gotta stop! ...you hear me? Starting. Now.
    [Albert turns away from Barry, walking out into the desert.]

## Season 4
### yikes [4.01]

    Barry: Mr. Cousineau?
    Cousineau: Yeah?
    Barry: Did you guys trick me? Are you and Jim Moss working together? Are you there? Look, Mr. Cousineau, I-- I want you to know I went there because I was worried about you, and I was protecting you. You know that, right? You know that, right...? Are you mad at me? Mr. Cousineau, are you mad at me? Because I love you.
    Cousineau: What did you say?
    Barry: I said I love you.
    Cousineau: Hey, Barry?
    Barry: Yeah?
    Cousineau: I got you.
    Guard: Look, I know they say you did a bad thing, but I'm sure you're not a bad guy! I mean, heck, you were in the marines man! That's pretty special! And you were-- You were also on TV! Laws of Humanity? That's a great show... When I was feeling low, my mom always used to say, "Each of us is more than the worst thing we've ever done." I always liked that. It gave me hope.
    Barry: I'm a cop killer. I'm a fuckin' cop killer. If I saw you walking down the street, I'd fucking kill you, I'd kill your fucking kids, I'd kill your fucking wife... and I'd kill your fucking mom.

### bestest place on the earth [4.02]

    Barry: I'm sorry.
    Sally: Hello. How are you?
    Barry: I am really sorry...
    Sally: How are you?
    Barry: I-- I fucked up. I'm really sorry, Sally.
    Sally: How's Muffin?
    Barry: ...who's Muffin?
    Sally: Muffin? Our dog, Muffin, remember? Before you were arrested, Muffin bit me and you said you were gonna find him a new home. Did you?
    Barry: I told you what I did to Muffin.
    Sally: No, you didn't tell me, that's why I flew all the way here. Where's the dog, Barry?
    Barry: Honey, the dog has a new home. The dog's safe. You got nothing to worry about, you're okay... Is that the only thing you came here for?
    Sally: Yeah.
    Barry: ...then why aren't you leaving?
    [Sally tears up.]
    Sally: ...I tried to go home and it was just so awful--
    Barry: Sally, I didn't-- I didn't lie to you.
    Sally: You did!
    Barry: I didn't lie to you...
    Sally: You did!
    Barry: I didn't lie to you, I just-- I didn't tell you the part I didn't want to be true. Sally, I'm a piece of shit. You gave me a life I don't fuckin' deserve. You were so loving to me. And you made me feel... Like a fucking human. And that was just you being you -- just you being Sally. Why aren't you leaving?
    Sally: I feel safe with you.
    John: Bro, this is my youngest son, Barry.
    Fuches: Ah, hey there, big guy! Your dad, uh... Tells me you're shy, you gonna be shy with me?
    John: Barry, say hello...
    Fuches: Nah, it's-- Hey! I hear you like, uh, playing army. Y'know, your dad and I used to play army...
    John: Barry!
    Fuches: No, it's alright! There's no need to pressure him there, John. It was nice to meet you, son! It really was. Y'know, maybe one of these days, uh... you'll let me play army with you, yeah?

### you're charming [4.03]

    Lou: [referring to Cousineau's testimony] He's saying that you killed her. You kidnapped him, and that you threatened his family.
    Barry: He told you that?
    Lou: It took over three hours. But yes, he told me that.
    Barry: If he's saying that stuff and he's running his mouth, that's gonna fuck shit up. And if you-- If you publish it--
    Lou: I mean, I'm gonna publish it. It's really just your chance to say your piece. I'm only trying to be fair here.
    [Barry slams the receiver against the table and stands up.]
    Barry: You know what would be fair?! YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE FUCKIN' FAIR?! Is if Gene Cousineau stops telling my life story! That's what would be fucking fair! Tell Gene Cousineau to SHUT HIS FUCKIN' MOUTH!
    NoHo Hank: Why are you lying to me, Barry?
    Barry: Wh- Why would you say I'm lying? I don't get-- I'm not lying.
    NoHo Hank: You're lying to me right now.
    Barry: Hank, what are you talking about?
    NoHo Hank: Barry, I have been nothing but good friend to you, and... Like, all you do is you take. And you take, and you take.
    Barry: Hank. I don't know where this is coming from, man, but I'm coming to you with some really important information, I think you need to... listen to me and take this-- and this is coming from my heart, man, we've been friends for a long time.
    NoHo Hank: It's like-- It's like you're only out for yourself.
    Barry: That's not true. That is not true. I dunno who you're talking to, I don't know who everybody's talking to, but I have been nothing...
    NoHo Hank: Oh, yeah?
    Barry: ...but good to people. I'm a good friend, I am a good person, that is who I am. Okay? This is me looking out for you. Alright?
    NoHo Hank: Then why are you talking to the Feds?
    Barry: See, now, why are you lying? See, now, you're lying to me. I wouldn't talk to the Feds. You think I'd do that, motherfucker? You think that's the kinda person I am? That I would talk to the Feds? I'm gonna forget you said that, and you're gonna do what I ask. You're gonna get the dog catcher for me, alright?
    NoHo Hank: I'm not doing shit for you, Barry.
    Barry: Hank.
    NoHo Hank: No.
    Barry: Hank--
    NoHo Hank: Not anymore.
    Barry: Shut up! Hank, do what I say, 'cause if I fucking get out of here, man, you are f--
    NoHo Hank: The day you get out of prison is my fucking birthday, man, okay?
    Barry: Oh, you're a tough guy now? Oh, you think you're a tough guy? Is that what it is, Hank? You think you're fucking tough? You're not fucking tough, Hank. You don't know what fucking tough is, motherfucker! You fucked up.
    NoHo Hank: (overlapping with Barry) Why don't you enjoy hell, you murdering, self-centered, lying, fucking narcissistic piece of shit?
    Batty: (overlapping with Hank) You're fucking dead. Fuck you! FUCK YOU! YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD! You fucked up, Hank! I'm coming for you when I get out of here, I'm--

### it takes a psycho [4.04]

    Cristobal: You killed all those men.
    NoHo Hank: ...that's what's bothering you?
    Cristobal: They were our partners...
    NoHo Hank: Yeah, but now we have Chechens who will die for us. You think those guys would've done that?
    Cristobal: They trusted us!
    NoHo Hank: Right. And you don't think they would've fucked us over the first chance that they got? I think we both got blinded by the idea of a perfect world, but it's unrealistic. You want to be a crime lord? Now we are crime lords.
    Cristobal: No, I-- I wanted to be legitimate!
    NoHo Hank: When you say that word... you sound naïve.
    Cristobal: Why would you go along with all of it if you didn’t want to--?
    NoHo Hank: I tried. I tried, for you. Again: Andres and Petyr would've wiped us out.
    Cristobal: ...who are you?
    NoHo Hank: ...I'm Hank.
    Cristobal: No. You're not.
    NoHo Hank: I feel more like myself than I ever have.
    Cristobal: The man I love would've never done something so cold-blooded.
    NoHo Hank: I don't understand-- I don't understand why you're so shocked by this, okay? I've been keeping us safe.
    Cristobal: Look, I would never fall in love with a psychopath!
    NoHo Hank: Yeah, well it took a psychopath to save you from your crazy fucking wife, okay? Now, to lead an organization like this... You have to make the hard decisions, you have to take control because if you don't, then you get fucking... walked over, you get taken advantage of, okay? I'm sorry, but that does not jive with peace and love and harmony! I'm sorry, it just doesn’t!
    Cristobal: [last words] It's over, Hank. It's done. Get away from me. Go.
    Sally: Barry?
    Barry: Sally. I know this is crazy, but if I could just stay here--
    Sally: Let's go.
    Barry: Really?

### tricky legacies [4.05]

    John: You were in a war?
    Barry: Well, John, I was gonna wait to tell you this... But-- Ooh, let's do this on the swing. Uh... Yeah, I was in war. I was a marine.
    John: A soldier?
    Barry: Yeah! Marines are the best soldiers. Some call me 'marine', other people... Well, they call me 'hero', but I don't like putting labels on things. You wanna keep that in your room?
    [John nods.]
    Barry: You know... I found out some, uh, interesting stuff about our buddy, Abe Lincoln. Turns out he had a bunch of Native Americans killed. Executed, yeah. He also proposed that black people that they go back to Africa. Got hundreds of men killed at Shiloh and Antietam [Barry sighs deeply.] News to me... Saint Augustine? The man was addicted to bathhouses, John. Now he's, what, third most googled saint? Something like that? Gandhi? The original hippie, Gandhi? He, uh... Wait, I read it. Gandhi, uh, what'd he do? Oh, yeah. His wife had pneumonia. Doctors said, "You gotta give her penicillin," but he said "no" because of his religious beliefs. But then when he got malaria, he said "give me the drug." Tricky... tricky legacy.
    Barry: So, we were on patrol, and we came to this village and two elders were arguing over who killed the other person's donkey, which was a typical occurrence over there. And then, uh, a shot rang out.
    [John gasps.]
    Barry: And do you know who was shot?
    John: Who?
    Barry: Albert.
    John: Your best friend?
    Barry: Yeah. And I heard them shout my name. "Medic! Medic! Get up here!" So, I ran up there, and when I found him, he was all messed up. He looked terrible. And they told me, they said, "Clark, he's a goner." And I said, "Not on my watch." And I patched him up. And I saved his life.
    John: Did you kill the guys who shot him?
    Barry: No, no, no. No, my job was to protect our boys. Just like I'm protecting you, John.
    John: I love you so much, Dad.
    Barry: Oh... I love you, too. I love you too, buddy.
    Sally: Barry!
    John: Who's Barry?
    Barry: What?!
    Sally: They're making a movie about us.
    Barry: ...I'm gonna have to kill Cousineau.

### the wizard [4.06]

    Nick San Angelo: Hey, everybody! It's Pastor Nick San Angelo again! And on today's podcast, we're gonna talk about how murder is definitely not a sin. Now, the Bible is filled with tons of righteous and justified killings. Most of them are my favorite part of the book! But how are you supposed to know in your own life when it's okay to use violence? Well, as many of you know, I was an enforcer for the Rockford Ice Hawks, and in 1997, I was sentenced to 10 years for killing Billy Zarillo in an exhibition game. Since then, people have been surprised about my general lack of guilt around this incident. I just tell 'em, "it's because it was done within my faith." Now, what does that mean? It means, I prayed about it and I looked for God's signs. If you go back and watch the replay, you'll see Zarillo check my teammate, Mark Flanagan, putting him in the hospital. This pissed me off. This gave me an intense feeling that I knew was a sign from God saying, "You got My blessing, Nicky."
    Barry: Bingo!

### a nice meal [4.07]

    Barry: Lord, please watch over me, and fill me with Your courage and grace. Please watch over my son, John, and fill his heart with his Daddy's love...
    Jim Moss: So you're a man of God now?
    Barry: Please take away all his nightmares and give him good sleep...
    Jim: You think, because you've repented, you get to choose where you're gonna go after you die?
    Barry: And give his mother the strength to look over him...
    Jim Moss: You know where you're going. And you're afraid.
    Barry: I just want my boy to be safe! Why are you showing me this?
    Jim Moss: I'm not showing you anything. This is all in your head, Barry.
    Barry: ...Why can't I feel my arms and legs?
    Jim Moss: I cut them off.
    Barry: Please--
    Jim Moss: I want you to experience seeing the people you love, for the last time.
    Barry: John! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, John!
    Barry: Mr. Cousineau, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry, I tried to fix things! Honestly, I tried to fix things! I shouldn't have given you that money! 250,000 dollars!
    Moss: 250,000 dollars?
    Barry: I was trying to fix things...
    Moss: 250,000 dollars...
    Barry: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
    Moss: For who, Barry?
    Barry: Mr. Cousineau! I'm so sorry!
    Barry: Sally! Sally. I'm okay. Listen, I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you--
    NoHo Hank: Hey, man! I've got two people here who want to say "Hi" to you. Say "hello"! Say it!
    John: Dad, please come get us!
    Sally: Barry. Help us.
    NoHo Hank: I'll text you the address. Come quick if you want to see your family again.

### wow [4.08]

    Hank: Let me guess: you were in a bad place and you felt like he was the only one who could help you? Good luck. I mean it.
    Sally: Hank... What's gonna happen to us?
    Hank: It's not for me to decide.
    John: Mom, please tell me what's going on.
    [Sally sighs.]
    Sally: We don't move around a lot because of my... 'special job'. It's because we're fugitives. Do you know what that means? It means... people who are hiding from the police. Your dad... well, he escaped prison and I ran away with him.
    John: Why was he in prison?
    Sally: Because he killed a lot of people.
    John: Because he was a soldier?
    Sally: No. Because he was a murderer. And I'm a murderer, too. I killed a man, and... I deserve whatever happens to me. But you don't. You... You're a good kid. You always do the right thing. I know I never really told you that before, but... You're a good person. I'm not. I'm a bad mother!
    [John rushes forward and hugs Sally.]
    Sally: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm sorry, John!
    Fuches: I used to think I was a soldier, ignoring the fact that I never fought in a battle in my whole life. I was a poser. And I fancied myself a mentor, fostering other men's natural abilities, but it wasn't until I was in prison and I got beaten within an inch of my life day after day that I finally dropped the bullshit... and just accepted who I am: a man with no heart.
    Hank: I am nothing like you, Fuches. You are a weak, pathetic, manipulative little man.
    Fuches: New deal: I walk away right now, you'll never hear from me again. All you have to do... is admit that you killed Cristobal. Admit that you fucked up. Admit that you were scared. That you hate yourself, that there’s some days you don’t think you deserve to live. And the only thing that’ll make you forget is by being someone else.
    [Hank starts breaking down.]
    Hank: He was the love of my life!
    Fuches: I know.
    Hank: It wasn’t supposed to happen!
    Fuches: It never is.
    Hank: I just wanted to be safe!
    Fuches: We all do.
    [One of Hank's men brings John out. Hank steels himself.]
    Hank: You know what? You are a fucking liar. The deal is off. Go fuck yourself!
    Sally: I spoke to Cousineau. I went to his house.
    Barry: You went to his house?
    Sally: He might go to jail for Janice's murder. You need to turn yourself in.
    Barry: Yeah... I don't think that's what God wants for me. I went in there tonight, prepared to die, and for some reason, He spared me. Honey... I've been redeemed.
    Sally: The only way to be redeemed is by taking responsibility for what you did. And the only way to do that is... by turning yourself in.
    Barry: ...you should call the cops.
    Tom: The cops?
    Barry: I'm gonna turn myself in--
    [A shot rings out, and a bullet catches Barry in the shoulder. He drops onto a chair, examining the wound. Cousineau approaches, training his gun on Barry.]
    Barry: [last words] Oh, wow.
    [Cousineau shoots him in the head, point blank.]
    Robert: Hey, you wanna go get a drink, or maybe a cup of coffee or something?
    [Beat.]
    Sally: No.
    John: Okay. I love you.
    Sally: Hey, John? Was it okay?
    John: Yeah, of course! It always is.
    Sally: It was good, right?
    John: Yes.
    Sally: Okay... Yeah, have fun! Be good.
    Barry (film): I keep having all these nightmares -- all the terrible shit I saw in combat? It's really fucked me up. I just wanted to feel human again. And I'm sick of taking orders.
    Cousineau (film): No orders from me. But you will get a few notes.
    Cousineau (film): You owe me! I took you in and helped you become human again, I fought for you, now it's your turn! You're a soldier. Now do your duty!
    Cousineau (film): You shouldn't have come back, Barry. You ruffled a lot of feathers.
    Barry (film): You're finished, Cousineau!
    Cousineau (film): You know, Barry, none of this would've happened if you'd helped me clean up that Janice mess. I thought soldiers knew how to take orders.
    Barry (film): Sometimes, being a good soldier means... not taking orders.

## Cast

* Bill Hader - Barry Berkman/Block
* Stephen Root - Monroe Fuches
* Sarah Goldberg - Sally Reed
* Glenn Fleshler - Goran Pazar
* Anthony Carrigan - NoHo Hank
* Henry Winkler - Gene Cousineau