# Ted 2

Ted 2 is a 2015 American adult comedy film and the sequel to Ted.
In this film, Ted is declared property by the state and struggles to get his rights as a human.
    Directed by Seth MacFarlane. Written by Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin, and Wellesley Wild.

## Ted

* Sittin' out here in a public, jerkin' off? Where do you think you are, Red Lobster?
* No! No! I said no Electric Slide! Goddamn it, you will not wreck this night with your forced white people group fun!

## John

* Hey, fuck your Chrysler!

## Dialogue

    [after the opening credits; One year later at night time, Ted is at his apartment with Tami-Lynn.]
    Ted: [reading his paper] Hey, I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there?
    Tami-Lynn: [at the stove] I'm curing cancer. I'm cooking your fucking steak. What do you think I'm doing?
    Ted: What do I think you're doing? I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing. Look at this, look at this: $129 at Filene's Basement. What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars?
    Tami-Lynn: I need clothes for work, all right, Teddy?
    Ted: You wear a smock. You're a fucking cashier.
    Tami-Lynn: Yeah? So are you.
    Ted: Yeah, exactly, and I'm not going out and buying designer shit.
    Tami-Lynn: Oh, no, no, no, no! You're just buying weed. You're just buying drugs. You should fucking talk!
    Ted: I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me.
    Tami-Lynn: Well, I have to interrupt you or else I never get to fucking say anything!
    Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
    Tami-Lynn: You're always cutting me off!
    Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
    Tami-Lynn: It's important to look good at work, okay?
    Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking?
    Tami-Lynn: I am trying to climb the corporate fence here!
    Ted: Nobody's in there to look at your ass!
    Tami-Lynn: You're acting like an asshole, all right?!
    Ted: Oh, what am I actin' like, Tami?! What am I acting like?!
    Tami-Lynn: Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like!
    Ted: You don't gotta dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!
    Tami-Lynn: I am the face of the business, okay? So get the fuck off my case!
    Ted: The face of the business? Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional!
    Tami-Lynn: I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've.
    Ted: Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!
    Tami-Lynn: He treated me good. And... [mock gasps] He had a dick! He had an awesome dick!
    Ted: Oh, newsflash: Boston whore has seen Italian penis!
    Tami-Lynn: What the fuck did you just call me?! Fucker?! [angrily throws the pan at Ted]
    Ted: I said, "Boston--" [avoids getting hit by pan; shocked] What the fuck?!
    Tami-Lynn: You wanna call me a "whore"?! [throws a toaster, but Ted avoids it]
    Ted: You wanna throw shit?!
    Tami-Lynn: Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit!
    Ted: I'll fucking throw shit! [angrily throws at the bottle, breaking it] There, see?! How do you like that?! [angrily tips the table]
    Tami-Lynn: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm scared, Teddy! I'm really fucking scared of you, you little fucking bear!
    Neighbor: [from outside] Shut the fuck up!
    Ted: [hears a neighbor] Oh, for Christ's sake. [opens the window and yells] Hey, you shut the fuck up!
    Neighbor: Why don't you come down and make me, tough guy?!
    Ted: Yeah, why don't you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?!
    Neighbor: I am gonna come up there, and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!
    Ted: Why don't you try it, asshole? Get your ass up here and kick my ass!
    [They hear another neighbor, who is yelling in a foreign language.]
    Neighbor: Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch!
    Ted: Hey, shut up, lady!
    Neighbor: Run the fuck back to Russia, you whore!
    Ted: This is a classy neighborhood! People are trying to sleep!
    Neighbor: Shut the fuck up! [Another neighbor closes the window; to Ted] Hey, I'm really sorry!
    Ted: Yeah, me too.
    Neighbor: She's worse than us.
    Ted: Yeah, she's our enemy now.
    John: I mean, have you guys at least tried marriage therapy?
    Ted: God, yeah, it was a friggin' disaster. $250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing.
    Ted: Are you fucking kidding me?
    John: What?
    Ted: What do you mean 'what'? After hours? Jesus, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you!
    John: I'm not into it.
    Ted: John, you've been saying that for the past year and a half about every chick who throws herself at you. You gotta get back in the game, man.
    John: Don't start this shit, alright? I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl and I got burned. Not gonna make that same mistake again.
    Ted: Jesus, Johnny, you don't gotta marry Allison. You just gotta bang her and maybe pee on her a little.
    John: What?
    Ted: It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover.
    Customer: Hey.
    Ted: Hello.
    Customer: I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
    Ted: Uh, yeah. Yeah. A box of Trix?
    Customer: Yes, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
    Ted: Well, I mean they say, uh, "Trix are for kids," in the commercials, so-
    Customer: Uh-huh, uh-huh. And is that enforced by law?
    Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
    Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
    Ted: No, no, you-you should be fine.
    Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
    Ted: Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
    Customer: Okay, I'm gonna bring these back to my apartment.
    Ted: Uh, yeah, you'll be okay.
    Customer: And, uh, I won't be followed?
    Ted: Uh, no, that's not in our budget here.
    Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
    Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.
    Frank: You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.
    Ted: I banged her with a pack of Freedent Gum. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.
    Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.
    Ted: Shit. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?
    John: Yeah, go ahead.
    Ted: Okay, thanks. [slides off the couch and walks into another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yelling in shock] WHAT THE FUCK?!
    John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?!
    Ted: [views John's laptop] There's so much porn!
    John: Well, what the hell are you doin' lookin' at my private shit?!
    Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
    John: Well, I've been meanin' to clear some of that out!
    Ted: Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rim Job"? "Counter-clockwise Rim Job"?
    John: Yeah, well, sometimes you like seein' the tongue go the other way!
    Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"?!
    John: [breaks down] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right?! I need help!
    Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
    John: Well, this is such a relief! You know, I'm so glad I'm finally caught! I wanted to be caught!
    Ted: Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? You gotta get back out there, and meet somebody, because you are spiraling outta control here.
    John: All right, all right. I will. Fine. Just stop lookin' at that shit, please!
    Ted: Johnny, I mean it, all right? The next chick you meet, you are gettin' back in the game. [closes John's laptop]
    John: Fine. I got it. Done.
    Ted: All right. Now let's get rid of this.
    John: What, what do you mean? We'll just delete the files.
    Ted: No, no, no, no. That shit can always be recovered. We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer.
    [they smash John's laptop outside with a hammer and a crowbar]
    John: All right, there, you happy?
    Ted: No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We gotta bury it in the harbor.
    [he and John bury the pieces of the laptop, contained within a plastic bag, in the harbor]
    Ted: Okay. We'll come back once every three months, take a dive, and check on it.
    [a library full of sperm samples falls over John, spilling everything]
    John: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Oh, my God! It's in my eyes! I'm blinkin' it in! [to Ted] You gotta fuckin' help me! Oh, my God! It's in my fuckin' mouth!
    Ted: Wait, hang on. I gotta post this on Facebook.
    John: NO!!!
    [Ted snaps a photograph of him]
    Ted: [types on his phone] #GrrrMondays.
    [a nurse walks in]
    Nurse: Oh, my God!
    John: Look, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
    Ted: We swear to God, it was an accident! We're so sorry!
    Nurse: Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
    Ted: Oh, ya hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
    John: Fuck!
    [after Ted is fired from the grocery store, realized he is not a person]
    Ted: [reading notes from mail] "Dear Ted, your Chase Bank account has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship." "Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked." "Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Gino's rewards member." Fuck, that's a big one.
    Tami-Lynn: [sad; looking at baby's shoes] This poor baby booty. It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be a little foot in here.
    Ted: I don't understand. We would have made such great parents.
    Tami-Lynn: [discovers a note] Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Teddy!
    Ted: [takes his reading glasses off] What? What's wrong?
    Tami-Lynn: Look at this. [reads it] "Dear Ted, the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you that due to an oversight regarding your legal status, your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state, and, therefore, invalid and hereby annulled." Teddy, can they do this to us?
    Ted: [snatches the note] Let me see that. [reads it, and feels shocked at it] This is a nightmare.
    Ted: What's your middle name?
    Samantha: Leslie.
    Ted: Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!
    John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam(uel) L. Jackson.
    Samantha: Who is that?
    Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.
    [Ted and John smoke from a bong with Samantha]
    John: That weed's really good. Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called, "Here Comes Autism."
    Ted: Yeah, I was just going to say, it's sort of like this other batch we had called, "How Long Has That Van Been There?"
    Samantha: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called, "Help Me Get Home."
    Samantha: All right, I got Dred Scott vs. Sandford, Plessy vs. Ferguson, and Brown vs. The Board of Education.
    John: I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs. Predator, and Freddy vs. Jason.
    Ted: I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail, and The Importance of Being Earnest, which was very disappointing.
    Samantha: Okay, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?
    Ted: Yup, bring it on.
    Samantha: You're on the stand, the D.A. says "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?"
    Ted: Objection!
    John: Sustained!
    Samantha: No, the witness can't object.
    John: Overruled.
    Ted: Sidebar.
    John: Guilty!
    Ted: Speculation.
    John: Hearsay!
    Ted: Bailiff.
    John: Briefcase.
    Ted: Disregard.
    John: In my chambers.
    Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
    John: I rest.
    Ted: We could totally be lawyers.
    John: Bang.
    John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy--
    Ted: Clubber Lang.
    John: FUCKING--
    Samantha: What's a Clubber Lang?
    Ted: "What's a Clubber Lang"?
    John: Mr. T's character in Rocky III, hello?
    Samantha: Is that the boxing movies?
    Ted: "The boxing movies"?! You've never seen Rocky? You know, [vocalizes the Rocky theme song]. You know, Rocky.
    Samantha: I'm not gonna think about a movie I've never seen just because you sing a song I've never heard.
    John: Jesus, you don't know Samuel L. Jackson, you don't know Rocky. You are literally pop culture illiterate.
    Samantha: I have a college degree. My pop culture references are Hamlet, Achilles and Dorian Gray. Ever heard of those guys?
    Ted: No, but I'm pretty sure Mr. T could kick their asses.
    John: Yeah, Sam, you need to be educated.
    Samantha: Oh, really? Can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?
    John: Judy Blume?
    Ted: Hitler?
    Samantha: F. Scott Fitzgerald.
    John: Who's that?
    Samantha: The author.
    John: Well, why are you saying fuck him?
    Samantha: What?
    Ted: You just said F. Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
    John: Yeah.
    Samantha: No, that's his first name.
    Ted: [confused] His name's "Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"?
    Samantha: What? No!
    John: Well, what does the "F" stand for?
    Samantha: Francis. (Therefore, his full name is Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald.)
    Ted: No, it's got to be "Fuck".
    John: It must be "Fuck".
    Ted: It's got to be "Fuck".
    John: It has to be "Fuck".
    Samantha: Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?
    John: Well, 'cause otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
    Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's "Fuck". It's "Fuck," it's "Fuck."
    Samantha: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
    Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang. Get used to it.
    Ted: Johnny, it may be time to play the Beetlejuice card.
    John: What do you mean?
    Ted: I mean saying his name three times. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
    John: Shut up! Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here!
    Ted: No, John, he'll be on our side. He'll help us. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
    John: You are messing with powers you do not understand, all right? Cut the shit!
    Samantha: You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.
    Ted: Who's that?
    Samantha: He is the top civil rights attorney in America.
    John: Isn't he the one who got that female midget into the Marines?
    Ted: Oh yeah. That had a sad ending, though. You remember? She was at a Veteran's Day parade, somebody handed her a bunch of balloons, and then whoosh! Gone. Very sad. Very sad for the family.
    Samantha: If anybody can get this verdict overturned, it's him. He's not cheap, but we've become such a high profile case, he might be willing to take it pro bono. He's a sucker for media.
    Ted: Johnny, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
    John: No, she wasn't.
    Ted: She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes!
    Samantha: What are the "fuck me" eyes?
    Ted: Some women just have "fuck me" eyes.
    Samantha: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
    Ted: No, you have "Give us the ring, my precious" eyes.
    [after crashing their car, Ted, John and Samantha spend the night at a nearby weed farm]
    John: Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip.
    [we see Sam lighting up a bong shaped like a penis]
    Ted: Yeah, Sam, this puts us in kind of an awkward position. We wanna get high too.
    Samantha: Isn't this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party. So stupid. Here.
    John: Uh, no thanks. I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth.
    Samantha: Oh, you think this is big?
    Ted: Haha! Johnny, you walked right into that one.
    John: You're really smart, you know that? How come you don't have a guy?
    Samantha: Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? I'm supposed to date some pale blotchy guy with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope.
    John: [chuckles] Yeah. Stupid.
    [John surreptitiously pulls up his sock to hide the shamrock tattoo on his ankle. Ted walks out of the barn with a cowboy hat on his head, carrying a rifle in one hand a guitar in the other]
    Ted: I couldn't find any soda cans, but I gotta tell you, there's some awesome shit in that barn.
    [Ted aims the rifle off to the side]
    John: Whoa, be careful with that.
    Ted: No, it's okay. It's not loaded-
    [As he pulls the trigger, the rifle fires and the kickback throws Ted backwards]
    Ted: [offscreen] And my fuckin' nose came off.
    Patrick Meighan: Ted, you're special. You could have been an inspiration to the world. You could have been a leader, a role model. Instead, you're... Justin Bieber.
    Ted: Fuck you!
    Samantha: Ted!
    Ted: Sorry. Sorry.
    Patrick Meighan: There's just no indication that you've had any positive effect on the world around you.
    John: That's not true. He's had a positive effect on me.
    Patrick Meighan: Would that positive effect include your joint arrest in 2003 for possessing marijuana?
    John: Well, how the fuck do you prepare for a Foo Fighters concert?
    Ted: So that's it. I'm property. No rights, no nothing.
    John: Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man. This completely sucks.
    Samantha: I feel terrible. I let you guys down all over again.
    John: Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam. You did your best. And look, regardless of all this shit, you're still the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. [he and Sam kiss]
    Ted: [angrily and sarcastically] Oh... Oh, that's great. That's fucking great. I'm glad you guys are so happy!
    John: What?
    Ted: What do you mean, "What?" I'm totally screwed here, and you're sitting there basically banging my lawyer, and she's probably still fucking billing us!
    John: Don't yell at us, dude. We didn't do anything.
    Ted: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other... Sam could've won this case, and I wouldn't be a fucking thing, like garbage or a piece of shit.
    John: Hey. We've been fighting right alongside you the whole way. And remember, you're the one who's been pushing me to get back on the horse. I finally meet someone, and you're giving me shit for it?
    Ted: Oh, no. You're right. No, Johnny, it's fine. You're right, it's fine. It's totally fine. I got no job, no marriage and no life! But you have fun porking Gollum here while I'm left with shit.
    John: Ted!
    Samantha: Who's Gollum?
    John: She's a model. Ted, come back.
    Ted: Leave me alone!
    Donny: You know... I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they play at the, uh, the (Boston) Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along. [starts singing] ♪ Hands, touching hands, reaching out. Touching me, touching you. Sweet Caroline. ♪
    Ted: [suddenly sings out due to temptation] ♪ Bah bah bah! ♪ FUCK! [Donny jumps to grab Ted and starts punching him] Crazy son-of-a-bitch!
    Vendor: Hey! What are you doin' to that bear?
    Donny: I'm sorry, I, uh--
    Vendor: You better be planning on buying that.
    Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
    Vendor: Yeah, that's great. $40.
    Donny: Okay. [Donny grabs cash] $40, here. [Vendor takes cash]
    Film Executive: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
    John: FUCK!
    [last lines]
    Ted: [offscreen, disgusted] Oh! Fuck me!
    Tami-Lynn: What's the matter?
    Ted: That can't be normal! He's gotta be sick!
    Tami-Lynn: He's not sick; it's just baby doodie.
    John: Yeah, that's what babies do, Teddy.
    Ted: Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?
    John: No.
    Ted: All right, here, catch. [throws diaper at John, offscreen, and a squish is heard]
    John: [disgusted] OH, TEDDY! WHAT THE FUCK?! [everyone screams in disgust; Ted laughs] HOLY SHIT! OH, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
    Ted: [takes photo of John, offscreen] [typing] Hashtag, #shithappens.

## Cast

* Seth MacFarlane - Ted
* Mark Wahlberg - John Bennett
* Amanda Seyfried - Samantha Jackson
* Jessica Barth - Tami-Lynn
* Giovanni Ribisi - Donny
* Patrick Stewart - Narrator
* Morgan Freeman - Patrick Meighan
* John Slattery - Shep Wild
* Patrick Warburton - Guy
* Michael Dorn - Rick
* Bill Smitrovich - Frank
* Cocoa Brown - Joy
* John Carroll Lynch - Tom Jessup
* Ron Canada - Judge Matheson
* Jessica Szohr - Allison
* Tara Strong - Ted's "I Love You" function
* Sam J. Jones - himself
* Sebastian Arcelus - Dr. Danzer
* Tom Brady - himself
* Dennis Haysbert - Fertility doctor
* Taran Killam - himself
* Jimmy Kimmel - himself
* Jay Leno - himself
* Kate McKinnon - herself
* Bobby Moynihan - himself
* Liam Neeson - Customer
* Lenny Clarke - Cop
* Curtis Stigers - Wedding singer
* Nana Visitor - Adoption agent
* Ralph Garman - Stormtrooper
* Jimmy Fallon - Himself

## External links

Encyclopedic article on Ted 2 on Wikipedia
* Official website
* Ted 2 quotes at the Internet Movie Database
* ted (2012) · ted2 (2015)
Seth MacFarlane :
| Television | Animated TV series | Family Guy (1999–2003, 2005–present) · American Dad! (2005–present) · The Cleveland Show (2009–13) |
| Television | Live‑action TV series | Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey (2014) |
| Television | Television hosting | Saturday Night Live (2012) |
| Films | Ted (2012) · A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014) · Ted 2 (2015) | Ted (2012) · A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014) · Ted 2 (2015) |
| See also | The Life of Larry and Larry & Steve | The Life of Larry and Larry & Steve |