# Wild Wild West

Wild Wild West is a 1999 Warner Bros. film about two Secret Service agents handpicked by the President of the United States to stop a diabolical mad scientist from killing the President and de-uniting the United States.
    Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld. Produced by Jon Peters and Barry Sonnenfeld. Screenplay by S. S. Wilson & Brent Maddock and Jeffrey Price & Peter S. Seaman. Story by Jim Thomas and John Thomas.

## James "Jim" T. West

* [introducing himself to Miss East] West... Jim West.
* Nitro?! THIS IS NOT THE WAY YOU TRANSPORT NITRO!
* Then there was the whole "redneck" comment. And I'm sensing that you took that negatively. But let's break down that word, "redneck". First word, "red": color of power, fire, passion! Second word, "neck"... "neck"... hey I can't think of nothing for "neck" right now, but without that you still got "red", and that's something to be proud of.

## Artemus Gordon

* [revealing himself to be a U.S. Marshal after disguising himself as a courtesan and being called 'lady' by Jim West] I'm not a lady, I'm a U.S. Marshal!
* [upon being caught impersonating U.S. President Ulysses S. Grant by Grant himself] President Grant... Sir, these are perilous times. I was merely demonstrating how someone, using the art of disguise could penetrate into the very bowels of the White House, sir.

## Dr. Arliss Loveless

* Why y'all look like you've seen a ghost. It's me, dear friends - alive and kicking! Well, alive anyway. [chuckles for a bit] We may have lost the war, but Heaven knows we haven't lost our sense of humor! No, not even when we've lost a lung, a spleen, a bladder, two legs, 35 feet of small intestine and our ability to reproduce, all in the name of the South, DO WE EVER LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR!
* [addressing foreign dignitaries at Spider Canyon] Today, I'm proud to be able to sit before y'all and tell you that the wrongs will be righted...the past made present... the United, Divided! [unveils map of a partitioned US and explains it all] Great Britain gets back the 13 original colonies, minus Manhattan. Florida and the Fountain of Youth go back to Spain. Texas, New Mexico, California, Arizona revolve a Mexico. [refers to "Loveless Land" encompassing Oregon, Nevada, Kansas and the Territories of Utah, Washington, Idaho, Colorado, Dakota, Montana, and Nebraska] And a little piece for me to retire on. [guests laugh]

## President Ulysses S. Grant

* And you, West. Not every situation calls for your patented approach of "shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more and then when everybody's dead, try to ask a question or two."

## Dialogue

    [Jim West is making out with a girl named Belle at a water tower]
    Belle: The legendary Captain James West, And I finally got him all to myself and surely you should feel free to treat him just...
    Jim West: [finishing her sentence] Bad.
    Belle: Darling...
    Jim West: Hold on to that for me for one second, would you? General McGrath's boys. Waiting for y'all for a week, you show up now. You wouldn't be working up here tonight now, would you? Working? Now would you be working if you were up here with you?
    [West arrives at Loveless' party]
    Dr. Arliss Loveless: Mr. West...how nice of you to join us tonight and add color to these monochromatic proceedings.
    Jim West: Well, when a fella comes back from the dead, I find that an occasion to stand up and be counted.
    Loveless: Ms. East informs me that you expected to see Gen. McGrath here. Well, I knew him years ago, but I haven't seen him in a coon's age.
    West: Well, I can see where it would be difficult for a man of your stature to keep in touch with even half the people you know.
    Loveless: Well, perhaps the lovely Ms. East will keep you from being a slave to your disappointment.
    West: Well, you know beautiful women; they encourage you one minute, then cut the legs out from under you the next.
    Loveless: [frowning] Quite.
    [After their glimpse of Rita's bare posterior]
    Artemus Gordon: She's a breath of fresh ass.
    Jim West: Pardon me?
    Gordon: What?
    West: You said "ass."
    Gordon: No, I didn't. I said, "It's nice having her on board, she's a breast of fresh air."
    West: Let's just get some shut-ass.
    [CSA General Bloodbath McGrath has just seen a mechanical unit rampage through an encampment of his men]
    Gen Bloodbath McGrath: YOU SAWED-OFF SADISTIC BASTARD, YOU'VE BETRAYED US!
    Dr. Arliss Loveless: My dear General, having donated half of my physical being to create a weapon capable of doing this, how did you and General Lee repay my loyalty? You surrendered, at Appomattox! So who betrayed whom?! [to Munitia] Munitia, make note the turret speed needs to be accelerated.
    Munitia: [to signaller] Change gear ratio from 2.2 to 2.8.
    Aide: [catching cries of troops] Scream, scream, "help me", "do not pull my arm"...
    McGrath: Loveless, I demand you give the order to stop this slaughter now!
    Loveless: We'll need more loading drills. I hear too much time between screams.
    McGrath: You give them the order to desist!
    Loveless: [observing carnage] I understand your distress, but these men are not dying senselessly. It is for a far greater cause than you can possibly imagine.
    McGrath: [points revolver] You go straight to hell, sir!
    Loveless: After you, sir. [shoots McGrath with rear-firing gun from wheelchair. McGrath dies and Loveless looks back at him] Bloodbath McGrath indeed! [to foreign dignitaries] Well, that concludes the festivities. Ladies, feed him to the crabs. Gentlemen, since the beginning of written history, a nation's power has been measured by the size of its standing army. Tonight that chapter will be closed. The traditional army, to say nothing of the United States, will become extinct. Laid low by a "cripple", as the general so amusingly implied, and mechonology. But my friends, that tank is just a little hors d'oeuvre compared to what the country's greatest scientists are cookin' up for me next. So if I have piqued your interest, bring one thousand kilograms of your country's gold to Spider Canyon within the next four days. And now if you'll excuse me, I have a tank to catch.
    Jim West: Gordon, what's your plan for getting this thing off my neck?
    Artemus Gordon: Excuse me?
    West: Well, that's what you're here for, right, you're the master of this... mechanical stuff.
    Gordon: [chuckling maniacally] Oh ho ho, I see! Now I'm the "Master of This Mechanical Stuff"! As opposed to five minutes ago, when I was calmly and coolly trying to find a solution to this very problem. But then something happened. Someone, who will remain nameless... [throws back his head and shouts] JIIIIIM!!! WEEEEEEST!!! [his voice echoes through the canyon] ...decided to jump over the wire, thereby providing us with that exhilarating romp through the cornfield and that death-defying leap into the abysmal muck! And here we stand, while that demented maniac is hurtling towards our President, with our one and only mode of transportation, with Rita as his prisoner, armed with God-knows-what machinery of mass destruction, with the simple intention of overturning our government and taking over the country!
    West: Look, Gordon, I think you need to calm down.
    Gordon: I can't be calm! No, no, no, no, no, no! I'm the "Master of the Mechanical STUFF"! And I have to help you! You, the Master of the STUPID STUFF! You want to get your collar off?! I'll get it off! [waves his empty hand] I don't have a gun, otherwise I'd shoot it off! [grabs a rock] Here! Here's something! In the true Jim West style, I'll just bash it with a rock!
    West: Gordon, you don't want to do that...
    Gordon: Oh, but I do! [does so]
    Jim West: For four long years I've been chasing the animal responsible for the massacre at New Liberty - and I hear tell that's you.
    Dr. Arliss Loveless: I am not an animal! I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am ANGRY! And after I kill you, I swear I'm gonna boil you down for AXLE GREASE!

## Cast

    Will Smith as Captain James "Jim" T. West
    Kevin Kline as US Marshal Artemus Gordon/President Ulysses Grant
    Kenneth Branagh as Dr. Arliss Loveless
    Salma Hayek as Rita Escobar
    Ted Levine as General "Bloodbath" McGrath
    M. Emmet Walsh as Coleman

## External links

* Wild Wild West quotes at the Internet Movie Database