# The Witches (1990 film)

The Witches is a 1990 dark fantasy comedy horror film about a young boy who stumbles onto a witch convention and must stop them, even after he has been turned into a mouse.
    Directed by Nicolas Roeg. Written by Allan Scott, based on the book by Roald Dahl.

## Helga Eveshim

* When your father was a boy like you, and living with me here in Norway, I told him about witches too, so that he would always be aware. Now, the most important thing you should know about real witches is this - now listen very carefully! Real witches dress in ordinary clothes, and look very much like ordinary women. They live in ordinary houses, and they work in ordinary jobs.

## Grand High Witch

* [after zapping a witch into a pile of ashes] I hope nobody else is going to make me cross today.

## Bruno Jenkins

* [after being turned into a mouse, to Mrs. Jenkins] You always wanted me to lose weight. Well, look at me now.

## Dialogue

    Dora: [to another witch, under her breath] We can't possibly wipe out all of them.
    Grand High Witch: Who spoke? Who dares to argue with me. [she notices Dora, points to her] It was you!
    Dora: I didn't mean to argue, your grandness.
    Grand High Witch: You dare to argue with me!
    Dora: No, honestly, it just was a...
    Grand High Witch: A stupid witch who answers back, must burn till her bones are black!
    Dora: No, no!
    Grand High Witch: A foolish witch without a brain, must sizzle into fire and flame! A witch who dares to say I'm wrong, will not be with us... very long! [she zaps the witch with her eyes]
    [the Grand High Witch is transforming into a mouse]
    Grand High Witch: I'm not finished with you yet, old woman... Next time...
    Helga Eveshim: No. Not next time. This time, it's your turn!
    Helga Eveshim: Real witches are very cruel, and they have a highly developed sense of smell. A real witch could smell you across the street on a pitch-black night.
    Luke Eveshim: She couldn't smell me. I've just had a shower.
    Helga Eveshim: Oh yes, she could. The cleaner you are, the more a witch can smell you.
    Luke Eveshim: That doesn't make sense.
    Helga Eveshim: Oh, yes it does. A dirty child, it is the dirt she smells. A clean child, it is the child.
    Luke Eveshim: Wow. I'll never have a shower again, and I'll have you for an excuse.
    Helga Eveshim: Well, just not often. Only once a month is probably safe.
    Luke Eveshim: So a witch could smell me right now?
    Helga Eveshim: To me you smell of raspberries and cream. But to a witch, you would smell absolutely disgusting.
    Luke Eveshim: What kind of disgusting?
    Helga Eveshim: Like... dog's droppings.
    Luke Eveshim: I don't believe it.
    Helga Eveshim: You don't believe it? What's more, to a witch you would smell of FRESH dog's droppings.
    Mr. Jenkins: Thought I'd like to say hello to a fellow philanthropist.
    Miss Ernst: You collect stamps?
    Mr. Jenkins: Charitees. This RSPCC.
    Miss Ernst: What is this RSP...?
    Miss Irvine: [whispers] Cruelty to Children!
    Miss Ernst: Oh, of course, you give money for the little... [gags]
    Miss Ernst: children. And... we of course... we also give money for the little... [Irvine holds out a basin for he. Jenkins throws some change into it]
    Henrietta: Poisoned sweets? We'll wipe them out like weasels!
    Grand High Witch: Who spoke?
    Miss Irvine: [points at Henrietta and laughs] She did!
    Henrietta: It's brilliant!
    Grand High Witch: Poisoned? And you don't mind getting caught, exposed, vilified?
    Henrietta: [nervously] Well, I just thought...
    G:and High Witch: Mindless bumpkin! You blithering bogvumper! [Henrietta winces in fear]
    Grand High Witch: No wonder that England is swarming with...
    [Eva takes a deep breath to keep her cool]
    Grand High Witch: [now calm] Everything you sell that day will have to be treated with my very latest and very greatest magic formula.
    [Eva holds out a tiny purple vial, Formula 86]
    Grand High Witch: [points and shouts to enunciate at Henrietta] Witches work only with magic!
    Grand High Witch: Formula 86: My greatest triumph. A work of... genius. Formula 86! In this bottle, 500 doses, with a delay mechanism that prevents it from working until two hours after it has been taken. [laughs]
    Millie: What does it do... Genius One?
    Grand High Witch: One dose, and the time works to the second. But more than five doses breaks the delay barrier, and the formula works instantly. Child... starts to shrink. The child... starts to... grow fur. Starts... growing a tail! All this happens in precisely twenty-five seconds! Shrinking more... child is no longer a child.[chuckles]
    Grand High Witch: Child... is a MOUSE!
    Elsie: [Marlene is crying hysterically] Is she sober?
    Mr. Stringer: Yes she's sober! I've been with her all aftern... When... I... Uh... I saw her w... Yes, of course she's sober! Don't be stupid!
    [after Bruno transformed into a mouse as the meeting ends]
    Miss Ernst: Any questions?
    Millie: Madam, what would happen if one of the chocolates we give away was accidentally eaten by a grown-up?
    Miss Ernst: [chuckles uncaringly] Then that's just too bad for the grown-up.
    Elsie: Wait! Wait!
    [Miss Ernst and the others stop and turn around]
    Elsie: I smell... dogs' droppings.
    [all the witches gasp and begin to sniff around]
    Woman in Black: Ugh! The smell!
    Miss Ernst: She's right! Search out this small lump of dung! Find it! It must be exterminated immediately!
    Miss Ernst: What are you doing here?
    Miss Irvine: The banquet, Miss Ernst.
    Miss Ernst: No, no, no, no! You must go to your room and prepare for...
    Mr. Jenkins: Hello!
    Miss Ernst: ...tomorrow's flight. Yes. [Waves to Mr. Jenkins] Have a good flight.
    Miss Irvine: But, it's our banquet!
    Miss Ernst: You are not here to enjoy yourself, you are here as my staff! Go to your room, NOW. [to the Witches at the table] Ladies...
    Miss Irvine: [long pause after Eva Ernst walks off] I quit.
    Luke Eveshim: So if no one's seen the Grand High Witch, how are you sure she exists?
    Helga Eveshim: [she looks at him] Nobody's ever seen the Devil, but we know He exists, don't we?
    Luke Eveshim: Yes.
    Helga Eveshim: For all you know, a witch might be living next door to you.
    Bruno Jenkins: [enters the convention, points at Miss Ernst] That lady promised me six whole bars of cream-whipped hazelnut milk chocolate. I've come to collect.
    Miss Ernst: Ladies, may I introduce Bruno? Come up, Bruno... I have the chocolate here.
    [Bruno does so and she looks at her watch]
    Miss Ernst: I said 6:15, and that is in 15 seconds from now.
    [the witches laugh as does Bruno and she looks at Bruno]
    Miss Ernst: You are in for a treat. [laughs] We all are!
    [everyone including Bruno laughs]
    Bruno Jenkins: [stops laughing] What's going on?
    Miss Ernst: [gestures him to wait] Just a few moments... Five!
    Bruno Jenkins: I can't even see any chocolate!
    Miss Ernst: [continues as the other witches join in] Four! Three! Two! One!
    Bruno Jenkins: [talks over them] Will one of you please tell me what's up?
    Miss Ernst: ZERO!
    [Bruno groans in pain then belches loudly]
    Miss Ernst: We have ignition!
    [the witches begin laughing in amusement]
    Miss Ernst: Everybody, look! It's fantastic! It's begun!
    [Bruno begins transforming into a mouse]
    Miss Ernst: I can't stand it; it's so wonderful! Look at you! It's fantastic!
    Nicola: Welcome, Miss Ernst. Nicola Cuttle. [Approaches and shakes Miss Ernst's hand] I have been so looking forward to meeting you. You look marvelous.
    Miss Ernst: Hm... I wish I could say the same for you, Nicola.
    Woman in Black: Hello, young man. What a magnificent tree-house. Did you build it yourself?
    Luke Eveshim: My dad and I did.
    Woman in Black: [opening her purse] I've got something for you here. Something I think you'll like. [Her eyes glow. Luke gasps] Jump down, and I'll show you.
    Luke Eveshim: No!
    Woman in Black: What?
    Luke Eveshim: No, thank you very much.
    Woman in Black: It's worth a lot of money...
    Luke Eveshim: This is private property.
    Woman in Black: [pulling a snake out of her purse] There's nothing to be frightened of, I just wanted to give you this. I find him on my walks, he's quite harmless. See? Little boys love snakes. Here, he's yours.
    Luke Eveshim: [calling] Grandma!
    Woman in Black: Look, I'll leave him here if you like, then you can come down on your own and get him. They wriggle away quite quickly... UNLESS you tell them not to. [she whispers to the snake]
    Marlene: [to Mr. Stringer] I'll see you later then.
    Mr. Stringer: [hesitates] We're short-staffed tonight. I might be a little late.
    Marlene: [smiles] I can wait. [Mr. Stringer goes to kiss her until he sees small brown fur on her neck making him leave in disgust] What is it? [Marlene looks in the mirror and squeals in horror]
    [after being transformed into a mouse]
    Witch Chef: [runs in the restaurant to warn the other witches] Don't touch it! It's in the soup! Don't touch the soup!
    [Miss Ernst looks down and sees a mouse, shrieks]
    Woman in Black: A child! [she stomps on the mouse killing her instantly]
    Miss Ernst: Good.
    Marlene: [entering the room as they leave] Evening, madam. Just popping in to turn down your bed.
    Miss Ernst: How is the room service here?
    Miss Irvine: Diabolical.
    Miss Ernst: Good.
    Miss Irvine: How do you know that woman upstairs?
    Miss Ernst: Come along. Walk downstairs. The elevator is out of order.
    [as they walk downstairs the elevator chimes]
    Miss Ernst: You may remove your shoes! You may remove your wigs! [Grabs her wig with one hand and pulls her face mask down to her eyebrows with the other] The doors- are they locked and bolted?
    Miss Irvine: Locked and bolted, your Grandness.
    Miss Ernst: Good. Help.
    Grand High Witch: Witches of England... You are a disgrace! Miserable witches... You are good-for-nothing worms! Everywhere I look, I see the repulsive sight of hundreds, thousands of revolting little children... I ask you! [points] Why? One child a week is no good to me!
    Woman in Black: [stands] We will do better! We will do much better!
    Grand High Witch: Better is no good either! I demand maximum results!
    Luke Eveshim: Grandma! Grandma! Wake up, Grandma! Please, Grandma!
    [Miss Ernst and Miss Irvine enter the room]
    Luke Eveshim: My grandma!
    Miss Ernst: An old adversary I have discovered... very old...
    Luke Eveshim: If you hurt my grandma...
    Miss Ernst: Silence! [catches Luke]
    Helga Eveshim: Oh, how I love English hotel teas! Cream cakes, and shortbread, and...
    Luke Eveshim: No grandma.
    Helga Eveshim:, :Luke Eveshim: No cream cakes.
    Helga Eveshim: And no shortbread either; it's full of sugar. Soon I will be eating the same diet as your mice.
    Miss Ernst: [Miss Ernst had moved towards a painting. She taps the man in the picture and stares intently] Hmm.
    Lady 1: You look wonderful, Miss Ernst.
    Lady 2: We are looking forward to this afternoon!
    Miss Ernst: [in disinterest] Mmm.
    [walks away, Irvine approaches the painting and prepares to reach for it]
    Miss Ernst: Irvine?
    [Miss Irvine reluctantly follows her to the elevator, the man in the painting slowly disappears]
    Helga Eveshim: Witches spend their time plotting to kill children, stalking the wretched child like a hunter stalks a bird in the forest.
    Luke Eveshim: Did they hunt you? [she shows him her right hand with a missing finger] You said it was an accident...
    Helga Eveshim: A very unpleasant accident.
    Mr. Stringer: I'm sorry, madam, but I cannot permit mice in my hotel.
    Helga Eveshim: How dare you say that when your rotten hotel is full of rats anyway?
    Mr. Stringer: Rats? There are no rats in this hotel!
    Helga Eveshim: I saw one this morning running along the corridor, into the kitchens.
    Mr. Stringer: Madam, you only arrived in the hotel this afternoon.
    Helga Eveshim: [scoffs] Morning, afternoon, I saw a rat in your hotel, and if matters do not improve, I shall have to report you to the public health authorities.
    Mr. Stringer: Look, madam, I'm not prepared...
    Luke Eveshim: The cakes in the lounge are nibbled around the edges, too. I can show you.
    Helga Eveshim: If you are not careful, the health people will order the whole hotel closed before everyone gets typhoid fever.
    Mr. Stringer: You can't be serious, madam!
    Helga Eveshim: I have never been more serious in my life. Now - will you or will you not let my grandchild keep his hygienic and perfectly harmless pet mice?
    Grand High Witch: Now, this is my plan: Each of you will go back to your homes... and resign from your jobs. Give notice. Retire. You will then buy with the money I give you...
    [Irvine gives her the money from the case box]
    Grand High Witch: Sweet shops. Candy stores. The best and most respectable sweet shops in England. [throws the money, the ladies are picking up the money] Upstairs: I have a trunkload of this English money... So, you'll be able to offer three, maybe four times what these shops are worth. Go, go, go.
    [Helga stops Mr. Jenkins for eating the soup]
    Helga Eveshim : Don't touch it!
    Mr. Jenkins: I told you she was a loony. She's an absolute nutter! [She takes the plate the spills the soup] Look at my bloody soup! All that stuff about Bruno!
    Helga Eveshim: Bruno has been turned into...
    Mr. Jenkins: He has NOT been turned into a... [notices that Bruno is a mouse]
    Bruno Jenkins: Yes, I have! Hello, dad! [Mrs. Jenkins notices that her son is a mouse, screaming and faints]

## Cast

* Anjelica Huston - Eva Ernst / The Grand High Witch
* Mai Zetterling - Helga Eveshim
** Kristen Steinsland - Child Helga
* Jasen Fisher - Luke Eveshim,
* Rowan Atkinson - Mr. Stringer
* Bill Paterson - Mr. Jenkins
* Brenda Blethyn - Mrs. Jenkins
* Charlie Potter - Bruno Jenkins
* Anne Lambton - Woman in Black
* Jane Horrocks - Miss Irvine
* Sukie Smith - Marlene
* Rose English - Dora,
* Jenny Runacre - Elsie
* Annabel Brooks - Nicola Cuttle
* Emma Relph - Millie
* Nora Connolly - Beatrice
* Rosamund Greenwood - Janice
* Angelique Rockas - Henrietta

## External links

* The Witches (1990 film) quotes at the Internet Movie Database