# Everybody Loves Raymond (season 1)

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Everybody Loves Raymond (1996 – 2005) was a long-running CBS sitcom about a successful sports writer Ray Barone, whose oddball family life consists of a fed up wife, overbearing parents (who live across the street), and an older brother with lifelong jealousy of Ray.

## Season 1
### I Love You [1.02]

    Ray: Are you ok?
    Debra: I'm fine.
    Ray: Uh oh, fine is bad. What is it? What's the matter?
    Debra: Nothing.
    Ray: Nothing...nothing is worse!
    Debra: I love you
    Ray: ...And I you
    [Debra walks off]
    Ray: Debra! DEBRA!
    Ally: STELLA!
    Frank: [to Marie and Robert] This love stuff....we never mention it again.
    Ray: Oh, now I don't love you?
    Debra: You don't say it.
    Ray: I do.
    Debra: No, you don't.
    Ray: I do!
    Debra: When do you say it?
    Ray: WITH MY EYES!
    Ray: Listen dad, when was the last time you said I love you to someone?
    Frank: What? Do you live in a freaking fairyland?
    Marie: When we first got married, I said "I love you" all the time.
    Frank: When? When did you say it?
    Marie: I said it all the time!
    Ray: Were you in my office, mom?
    Marie: Yeah I was trying to get a pen to do the crossword puzzles. You know, your desk drawer is locked.
    Debra and Ray: Yeah, we lock it now. It keeps the kids out.
    Marie: Oh, that's a good idea! I broke a knife in it.
    Robert: You know that shampoo that says "no more tears" on the bottle? There's tears.
    Waitress: Extra sauce!
    Bernie: She's the saucy one.
    Waitress: And the assorted fried cheeses plate.
    Ray: He's the fat one!
    Ray: Hey, that's tongue. I thought you were a vegetarian.
    Ray: [on the phone] Yea, I miss you too. Okay, yea, I'll see you tomorrow. And honey, I love you. Good, well, get used to it because I'm gonna say it all the time. Okay. Now give the phone to mommy.

### I Wish I Were Gus [1.03]

    Frank: Ray, I've got some news. I don't know the best way to break this... Your great-uncle Gus, dead!
    Ray: Oh, no I liked him.
    Robert: Yeah me too... Hey nuts!(referring to a bowl of nuts on the table)
    Frank: He wants you to deliver his eulogy
    Ray: Why? I hardly knew the guy.
    Frank: It was his dying wish.
    Robert: Even dead people love Raymond.
    Alda: What's your problem Marie? I can't even say a word without you topping me.
    Marie: I can't help it, you're easily topped!
    Marie: You never even sent a gift.
    Alda: My gift was that I came at all.
    Marie: What kind of a horse's ass gift is that?
    Alda: You'd be lucky to have a horse's ass!
    [Ally drew a mustache on Jeffrey]
    Frank: Can Hitler have a juice-box?
    Debra: Hey, do you know what I think is really sexy?
    Ray: What?
    Debra: A man who does the dishes.
    Ray: No, does nothing for me... Do you know what does it for me? A woman who does the dishes... with another woman!
    Ray: Some funeral, huh?
    Debra: Yeah.
    Ray: Wanna do it?
    Ray: Hi, I'm Ray. I'm here to talk about... Gus Barone.
    Robert: Haaaaarrrr!!!
    Ray: Thank you.

### Standard Deviation [1.04]

    Ray: You know I read somewhere where the happiest marriages are the ones where the man is smarter.
    Debra: Oh, guess who wrote that...
    [Ray puts away tax papers and sits next to Debra]
    Debra: You promised you'd get this done!
    Ray: That's not the point. The point is that... I will rub your feet!
    Debra: You gotta, you gotta get this done.
    [Ray pulls off Debra's socks and starts rubbing her bare feet]
    Ray: Don't worry, in fact the whole idea of rubbing feet makes me sick.
    Debra: Just shut up and rub.
    [Ray continues to massage her feet, but starts tickling them as well]
    Debra: That's not rubbing, that's tickling!
    [Robert walks in]
    Robert: Glad to see you're not busy.
    [Ray is still caressing Debra's bare feet]
    Ray: What makes you think we're not busy, Rob?
    Debra: There's more than one kind of intelligence Ray.
    Frank: That's right. There's STREET SMARTS!
    [Debra smashes a bowl of ice cream into Ray's lap]
    Ray: Mmm, fudgey.

### Look Don't Touch [1.05]

    [Andy is staring at Angelina, the attractive waitress.]
    Andy: So, Angelina, how are you?
    Angelina: Did you want something?
    Andy: No, thanks. I just thought we could talk.
    Bernie: [Angelina walks away] Ahh, did you smell her?
    Ray: No, I read the sign Bernie, "Thank You for not smelling the help."
    Bernie: Oh, man look at her. If I wasn't married, do you know what I'd do?
    Ray: You'd wear the same underwear every day.
    Frank: Hello, ladies!
    Ray: What are you doing here?
    Frank: Hehehe, I came to check out the new waitress.
    Ray: Oh god.
    Angelina: Hello, will you be staying for lunch?
    Frank: Holy Crap! Uh....yes, I will, thank you.
    [Marie thinks Ray might have an affair with Angelina, the attractive waitress]
    Debra: Marie, I'm not worried. I trust Ray.
    Marie: Oh, I'm not worried about Raymond either, dear. I'm worried about that pizza parlor putana!
    Ray: [to Angelina] I'm sorry that was rude of me. This is Debra, the little lady. I don't mean little in a size way, or that she doesn't matter. She's my lady. She's my great big lady.

### Frank, the Writer [1.06]

    Robert: Michael threw his milk at me!
    Frank: Isn't that great? That could be my second story! The digest loves a naughty baby.
    Debra: Ray, Robert is still here.
    Ray: Hey, Robert! What are you doing here?
    Robert: I had a suspicion I needed to confirm.
    Debra: Robert, what's wrong?
    Robert: I don't think Michael loves me anymore.
    Debra: What are you talking about?
    Robert: He's not like Geoffrey, he seems standoffish.
    Ray: You do know Michael is a baby, right?
    Robert: Just a feeling. Cop's instinct. He wants nothing to do with me.

### Your Place or Mine? [1.07]

    [Ray and Debra are going over their bills.]
    Debra: According to this, we can afford a car phone.
    Ray: No. No car phone.
    Debra: Why? Why do you fight technology?
    Ray: I'm against technology?
    Debra: Yeah.
    Ray: Who introduced you to Wonderbra?
    Ray: All three kids asleep. You thought I couldn't get Ally to take a nap.
    Debra: Good job, honey.
    Ray: Yeah. By the way, tomorrow we have to buy a pony.
    Debra: Would you look at this great big stain here? The carpet guy swore up and down that he could get it out.
    Ray: I don't want to hear about stains. The kids are asleep, the house is quiet. Now it's quality time. Just me and you.
    [Ray starts reading the newspaper.]
    Debra: You better be looking at jewelry ads.
    [Marie barges into the house.]
    Marie: Your father has finally done it.
    Ray: What's that, learned to buckle his pants?
    Frank: I've got the complete works of Arnold Schwarzenegger, except the one where he gets pregnant.
    Debra: Where's Frank?
    Ray: By now he's probably taping the toilet seat so he never has to flush.
    Debra: Ray! She's in there chiseling my head stone!
    Debra: [To Ray, about Marie] Anything she cooks for me you're tasting first.
    Ray: You hear that?
    Debra: No, I don't hear anything.
    Ray: That’s the sound of all our clothes being refolded.
    Frank: It's the celery that makes "tuna salad" tuna salad. What you gave me was tuna slop!
    Frank: I can be sweet....it takes people time to discover that.
    Debra: Robert, just do what I do; tell him you're tired and he'll climb off.

### In-Laws [1.08]

    Lois: So, how are things going with you, Robert?
    Robert: Well, you know, one day you're rescuing a puppy, the next you're fishing a skull out of a toilet.
    Ray: These people shouldn't be at the same table together. They shouldn't be in the same state!

### Win, Lose or Draw [1.09]

    Debra: You lost $2300 to your father?!?!
    Ray: Relax, alright? We're gonna get the money back.
    Debra: How?
    Ray: When he dies.
    [Robert interrogates Ray and Frank for illegally gambling]
    Ray: What the hell are you doing?
    Robert: "Good Cop/Bad Cop". It's just taking a little longer because there's only one of me.
    Marie: You're giving him back that money!
    Frank: Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. Play with fire, you're going to get burned.
    [Waves check in front of Raymond]
    Frank: AND ALWAYS, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!
    Frank: You're not talking to me?
    Marie: Nope.
    Frank: [smiling] I just keep winning.
    Marie: This is for you.
    Debra: Ahh. But I thought Frank said...
    Marie: No, he doesn't know anything about that. This is my money.
    Debra: You have money?
    Marie: Oh... My father, oh, such a wise man. On my wedding day, he took me aside, gave me $200, and said, "Here". This is if you come to your senses and leave Frank.
    Debra: Wow. My dad only gave me fifty.
    Ray: For the last time I'm not taking the money. I lost it, that's all. I'm a big boy alright? If I take the money what kind of message does that send to my kids? That no matter what happened you can go to your father and he'll make everything ok?
    Frank: You're right. You're right.
    Ray: What, what am I right about?
    Frank: You should be able to go to your father, and he should be able to make it ok. [Gives Ray his money back]
    Frank: So Ray, you feel like a winner?
    Ray: Not really.

### Turkey or Fish [1.10]

    Ally: My teacher says they had fish at the first Thanksgiving.
    Ray: Yeah, well, people were stupid then, sweetie!
    Debra: Look, Ray, we want to start our own tradition, and Ally wants it to be like the first Thanksgiving.
    Ray: Well, why don't we have some smallpox then, too?
    Ray: You want me to convince my parents to come here, and my sales pitch is, "mmm, mmm, fish!"
    Ray: I got the last of the baking powder. I had to fight two old ladies to get it.
    Debra: What did you do?
    Ray: Nothing I'm proud of.
    Ray: Debra, calm down. You're reacting to missing squash like the time we left Ally at the mall!
    Debra: I can't compete with your mother's turkey Ray, the woman has giblets in her blood!
    Ray: My mom is such a great cook. Thanksgiving, that's kinda what makes my mom...worth it.
    Frank: [Looking at the TV] What the hell is this crap?
    Warren: That's soccer. Frank, only in America is football the game that you're familiar with. In many countries, when people refer to football, they actually mean soccer!
    Frank: In many countries people eat cats.
    Uncle Mel: My god! That fish smell is like a....a punch in the face.
    Marie: Where do you want me to put this turkey?
    Debra: I'll tell you where you can put it...
    Debra's Mother: You want some yams?
    Uncle Mel: No, I hate yams.
    Ally: [dressed up as a yam] You hate yams?
    Debra: Aw, honey, he doesn't hate ALL yams.
    Uncle Mel: Yes, I do, I hate them, they're very binding!

### Captain Nemo [1.11]

    Ally: Mommy, that man over there is smoking!
    Dave: Narc!
    Ally: Good morning, Mommy.
    Debra: Hi, honey. Where's Daddy?
    Ally: In the shower singing. He's terrible!
    Debra: You know I gave up some stuff when we had kids.
    Ray: I know...did it have to be sex?

### The Ball [1.12]

    Marie: Why do you insist on making this car wreck our Christmas tree every year? I want a real tree.
    Frank: An artificial tree saves water, saves the forest, and saves the planet. I'm a conservationist.
    Marie: You're cheap.
    Frank: Alright, I'm saving money.
    Debra: Mommy is just wrestling daddy.
    Ray: Wait, Mickey Mantle didn't sign this ball? It isn't real?
    Frank: It's a real ball.
    Marie: What's the matter?
    Ray: Nothing, nothing's the matter.
    Debra: Oh nothing at all, except Ray was just about to tell Ally the truth about Santa Claus.
    Marie: You what?!?!
    Ray: NO, I didn't tell her.
    Marie: My own son, an atheist?!?!
    [Robert enters dressed as Santa Claus]
    Robert: Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house! [to Ray] Ho, Ho, Ma told me what you did... nice.
    Ray: There are now. Come on, Robert--
    Robert: No, you have me mistaken for some other party for I am jolly old Saint Nick.
    [Ally walks in]
    Debra: Look, Ally, it's Santa Claus.
    Ally: Santa?
    Robert: Yes, it is really I, and I came to see you Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. [to Ray] Unlike some other people. [in disgust] Ho ho ho ho ho.
    Ray: Hold the ho's, I want to talk to you for a minute.
    Robert: I'm sorry, I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Claus.
    [Frank enters, dressed as Santa]
    Frank: Where's Ally?
    [Frank notices Robert]
    Frank: Ho-ho-holy crap. What are you doing here?
    Robert: I'm Santa Claus.
    Frank: You're Santa?
    Ray: Okay, will you guys cut it out already. She's confused enough as it is.
    Frank: What's there to be confused about? I'm the real Santa! Who is this impostor?
    Debra: Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be Santa's helpers.
    Frank: Right! He's my helper. Helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?
    Robert: I bet you can't even name the reindeer.
    Frank: Rudolph! Donner, Blitzen... those are the main ones. We rotate them so they wear evenly. Cupid! Ajax! And... Lefty!
    Robert: Now we know the truth.
    [Ally pulls off Robert's Santa beard]
    Ally: It's Uncle Robert!
    Robert: [in Santa voice] No, no. I have merely assumed the body of a life form suitable to you.
    Ray: Robert, you're Santa, not a Klingon.
    Frank: You mean that even though you know that ball's a fake it still means something to you?
    Ray: Yeah, yeah dad.
    Frank: Then this Christmas you're gonna love the Rolex I got you.

### The Game [1.17]

    Marie: Oooh, all of a sudden you have scruples.
    Frank: I have scruples Marie. I've got scruples the size of basketballs.

### Neighbors [1.20]

    (Frank is showing off the birdhouse he built when he sees the video playing on the TV. He doesn't realize it's a video one of the neighbors shot of him on the porch naked)
    Frank: (chuckling salaciously) Hey, whoops...Porno party!
    Raymond: (grabbing the birdhouse and trying to distract Frank) Show me where this goes, put it up in the tree--
    Frank: (amused) Who's the fat-ass? (Marie knows)
    Marie: (mortified) Frank!
    Frank: (equally mortified) Holy crap...
    Priest: ...There was a man on our church council a few years ago. A decent enough fellow but a little abrasive. Oblivious to anyone else's feelings. I used to fantasize about him converting to Judaism. I wanted to get him out of my hair. One day I said Frank...
    Ray: Wait, the man's name was Frank?
    Priest: That's not important. What's important is...
    Ray: Frank Barone?
    Priest: You know Frank Barone?!
    Ray: He's my father!
    Priest: Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?!
    Ray: Yes!!!
    Priest: You're absolved.
    Ray: What?
    Priest: Our Lord forgives your thoughts.
    Ray: Really?
    Priest: Well, I could look it up but I'm almost positive.

### Why Are We Here? [1.22]

    Ray: So God made us smart enough to know there's an answer, but not smart enough to figure it out?
    Robert: (frustrated) "COME ON!!!"
    Frank: You want to know the meaning of life? You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. Canole....Marie