# American Dad! (season 3)

American Dad! – Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16
American Dad! is an American adult animated sitcom created by created by Seth MacFarlane, Mike Barker and Matt Weitzman.

### Camp Refoogee [3.01]

    Stan: Steve, camp is an amazing place. You get to swim in the lake, drink bug juice, ring the bell if you win the Camp-A-Lympics. Oh, and then there's "camp love." It's such an intense experience, like winning the Grammy for Best R&B performance, duo, or group.
    Steve: Dad, for the last time, you were not in Boyz II Men.
    Stan: [singing] Whatever.
    Steve: Dad, they just kidnapped Makeva!
    Stan: All right, I understand "kidnapped." But what is "Makeva"? Ugh, I bet that little girl they stole could have told me.

### The American Dad After School Special [3.02]

    Debbie: Welcome to my sanctuary. Look at them scurrying around like ants. Go ahead, exercise all you want. You'll never escape the smoky death of times magnifying glass.
    Steve: Wow, that's a little dark.
    Debbie: Not at all. Life is a banquet and death a dessert.
    Steve: I love dessert!
    [Stan is at an anorexia support group, consisting entirely of anorexic teenage girls]
    Counselor: Eating disorders are no laughing matter, young lady.
    Stan: Young lady?
    Counselor: Now, now, I know in the locker rooms in high school, you feel uncomfortable about your body.
    Stan: I'm not in high school!
    Counselor: When was the last time you menstruated?
    Stan: I've never menstruated!
    Counselor: [to the rest of the class] You hear that, girls? Cautionary tale: Anorexia will dry up your ovaries like tobacco in the sun. Now, instead of starving yourselves, let's think of better ways at getting back at Daddy, like marrying a black dude?

### Failure is not a Factory-Installed Option [3.03]

    Roger: Hey Algernon, what's wrong with you? Can't you get an idea without saying it out loud?
    Repo Man: Here to repo the cars.
    Steve: You can't do that. We're about to become men.
    Repo Man: Well you may have planned on becoming men through sexual conquest, but perhaps an equally valid preparation for adulthood would be a night filled with disappointment and compromise.

### Lincoln Lover [3.04]

    Steve: So then it's cool to alienate gays?
    Stan: Yes, it is, son. Gays are the new Blacks.
    Stan: Ah.

### Dungeons and Wagons [3.05]

    [Steve is playing Dragonscuffle while Klaus is watching]
    Klaus: Please, let me play!
    Steve: I don't think you're ready yet.
    Klaus: Not ready? I've been watching you for four years!
    Steve: Night time. [covers his bowl with a cloth]
    Klaus: I'm not a parrot. That trick won't work on- [snores]
    Klaus: I feel like we're in a rut.
    Stan: A good rut, like 200 years of democracy or a bad rut, like UNICEF?

### Iced, Iced Babies [3.06]

    Beth: It's so cute that Steve has a little girlfriend.
    Stan: Well, don't tell Debbie about her because she'll eat her.
    Roger: You just earned yourself a week of detention!
    Hayley: There's no detention in college.
    Roger: Oh. Right. Well, then I'm taking away fifty points from Gryffindor!!

### Of Ice and Men [3.07]

    Grandson: Wait, someone accidentally ordered a woman in the mail? Grandpa, is this the same story?
    Grandpa Klaus: No, it is a little side story. I'm using it to break up the main story so you don't get bored.
    Grandson: Are we part of the story, Grandpa?
    Grandpa Klaus: Oh nononono. No, we are a "framing device".
    Francine: This is the first time in twenty winters we've done anything together, and now you're dumping me to skate with Roger?! Why, Stan, why?
    Stan: Well, honey, I-
    Francine: I'll tell you why. Because winning some stupid contest means more to you than your own wife!
    Stan: Yes. Thanks you. That would've sounded awful coming out from my mouth.

### Irregarding Steve [3.08]

    Roger: I want a popcorn maker for my attic.
    Stan: Don't be stupid, Roger. The attic is above sea level, and popcorn doesn't pop above sea level. I know, I've spent time in Denver.
    [Steve is confronting Roger after the stock that Roger invests in plummets to zero.]
    Steve: What the hell was that?! You said "SJP" was a sure thing!
    Roger: I don't understand, SJP is in the new Spielberg movie; it's gonna be huge!
    Steve: What are you talking about?! SJP is a Canadian chiropractic supplies company!
    Roger: You mean it's... not Sarah Jessica Parker?
    Steve: What?! No!
    Roger: Isn't this the Hollywood Stock Exchange? You know, where you buy and sell celebrity stocks based on the ups and down of their careers?
    Steve: No!
    Roger: Oh... Then what is all this?
    Steve: This is the New York Stock Exchange!
    Roger: Like in the movie Wall Street? I thought that was Hollywood make-believe, like children of every color being at the same McDonald's.
    Steve: But back home, you said you were about to make a fortune in silver!
    Roger: Ron Silver!

### The Best Christmas Story Never [3.09]

    Stan: Ah, the lighting of the town Christmas tree- can you think of anything more American?
    Steve: An American flag?
    Stan: Or. Or an American flag with Christmas trees for stars! Ooh, that would make a good cake. [pulls out personal tape recorder] Note to self: I like cake.
    Donald Sutherland: Lets talk about it over dinner. Say...my place?
    Stan: Let's talk about it over your brains. Say...all over the place? Ha Ha. Fantastic.

### Bush Comes to Dinner [3.10]

    Steve: Dollywood?
    Roger: Dolly Parton's theme park! The rides give you the same experience as looking at her - fun from far way, but really scary up close. Anyway, it's on sale for $50 million.
    Steve: You moron! You can't get $50 million for a kidney!
    Roger: Would it hurt to say "Good idea, Roger" once in a while? [pulls out a bottle of vodka from the tub.] This was to celebrate!
    Stan: Lies. It's like you have to lie to live. You're a lie-abetic. You have lie-abetes. Twice a day, you have to take a shot of insu-lyin'.

### American Dream Factory [3.11]

    Francine: You want your money, you unsupportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back.
    Stan: You made all this in one day?
    Francine: That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.
    Hayley: He's an unregistered visitor.
    Stan: [gasps] You mean an illegal alien?
    Hayley: What happened to the land of the free? These people have the right to be here.
    Stan: People? They're parasites sucking on the rich blood of America. And we need that blood to shed for oil.

### A.T. The Abusive Terrestrial [3.12]

    Stan: I can't believe you're still upset. It's been a week.
    Steve: You called me a pig.
    Stan: I didn't say you were a pig. I said that dress made you look like a pig. And those shoes didn't help. All your fat, sweaty toes shoved in there like 20 Hondurans stuffed in a giant... shoe.
    Henry: [Crying after abusing Roger]
    Roger: Hey, hey, don't worry. We all make mistakes. I once took down the better part of a bottle of amaretto and busted a growler at a museum donation box.
    Hayley: What's wrong with you? You look horrible.
    Klaus: I've had this flu for, like, 2 weeks. I started to feel better on Tuesday, but then I pushed it and now I have this darker mucus and...
    Hayley: I was talking to Steve.
    Klaus: [sarcastically] Are you sure you don't want to be a nurse, Hayley? You're so caring!

### Black Mystery Month [3.13]

    Steve: You mean Jenga?
    Roger: Well, I think it's pronounced Henga, but if you wanna crap all over the Spanish language, go ahead.
    Steve: Now the world will never know the truth.
    Stan: If only there was a place where you could make any outrageous claim you want with absolutely no proof, and millions of people would accept it as fact.
    Steve: That's it!
    [cutaway to Steve writing a Wikipedia article on "The Truth About Peanut Butter"]

### An Apocalypse to Remember [3.14]

    Steve: [referencing to Stan] What a boob.
    Stan: What was that, Steve?
    Steve: Um, I... asked Hayley if I could squeeze her boob.
    Stan: I love it when you kids get along.
    Hayley: How long were you planning on keeping us up here? Forever?
    Stan: What? No! [kicks down the sign "Smith family graveyard" next to him]

### Four Little Words [3.15]

    Francine: [teaching Indian children] Okay, children, pay attention, because you need to learn English to survive. Repeat after me: "Thank you for calling Apple Tech Support."
    Indian Children: [in unison] Thank you for calling Apple Tech Support.
    [A bloodcurdling human scream is heard from off camera]
    Francine: There's the bell. I'll see all of you who don't die of cholera tomorrow at 8:00.
    [A sickly-looking wolf effortlessly grabs one of the Indian boys and drags him off]
    Francine: You bastard! [punches Stan in the face, knocking the clothes pin off his nose]
    Roger: [sniffing] Ugh! Oh God, it's like being in a sauna with Michael Chiklis!
    Francine: You made me think I was a murderer?! Do you have any idea what a nightmare you put me through?! I prayed to a freaking elephant! How am I gonna explain THAT to Jesus?!

### When a Stan Loves a Woman [3.16]

    Steve: [explaining how he got tickets to Battlestar Galactica On Ice] How does anybody anything? Look, they're 20 bucks a pop. You want 'em or not? 'Cause if you don't want 'em, I got other people I can sell 'em to. Bruce Willis wants 'em. That girl who played Tank Girl. What's her name? Yeah, she wants 'em.
    [After Stan tells the story of how he married Joanna at the beach.]
    Hayley: What the FUCK is GOING ON?!
    Steve: [doing cartwheels] I'll take care of you, Mom. I'm a wagon wheel!

### I Can't Stan You [3.17]

    Stan: [to Francine, after he hears the neighbors badmouth him] They all hate me! It's like our wedding all over again... except this time I'm you!
    [Stan, using CIA powers, has seized the houses of all his neighbors]
    Stan: In other words, there goes the neighborhood. [laughs] Ordinarily that would have racist implications, but I've actually done something far worse.

### The Magnificent Steven [3.18]

    [Barry is holding an axe with blood all over his shirt. He has killed a calf named Rosie]
    Barry: Her eyes said, "Why?"
    Stan: [eating a cut of face meat] Yeah, you can still see the look of betrayal. Can't grill that off.
    Stan: [affected by mad cow disease] You boys see these owls? Get out of here, owls! Stop pecking at my face! I will not buy your encyclopedias! I can't read your language, I can only speak it. [hoots]

### Joint Custody [3.19]

    Stan: Why can't Jeff live with his family?!
    Hayley: He hasn't spoken to his dad in years, and his mom ran away before he was born.
    Stan: How... how could she do that?
    [Roger and Stan are stoned on marijuana smoke and wasting time at the local convenience store]
    Stan: (holding a bag of snacks) There's a leopard on the Cheetos bag! (gets a closer look) WAIT... it's a cheetah! Chee-TAH... Chee-TOS... There's... so much beauty in the world...
    Roger: Why do my wrists hurt?!
    Stan: (turns to reveal a prone Roger) Because you're lying on them.
    Roger: How can you hear what I'm thinking?
    [Stan is standing at the checkout with a mountain of snacks. The cashier walks up.]
    Stan: Hey, do you live here?
    Cashier: Uhh... no.
    Stan: Because I could live here! This place is great! (notices the snacks) And look! Someone picked out all my favorite stuff!
    Cashier: (ringing up the snacks) That'll be...
    Roger: (carrying a bag of cat food) And this!
    Stan: Cat food?
    Roger: (whispering) It's so I don't float away.
    Cashier: That'll be $147.
    Roger: How are we gonna get that much money?
    Stan: We could turn in Jeff!
    Roger: I thought Jeff was innocent.
    Stan: (beat, gasps) We gotta save Jeff!