# Cheers (season 1)

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Cheers (1982–1993) was a long-running situation comedy produced by Charles-Burrows-Charles Productions in association with Paramount Television for NBC. The show was set in a Boston bar, where a colorful group of locals would come to sit, drink, state daft facts, complain, and play elaborate practical jokes on the devotees and owner of a rival bar in town.

### Give Me a Ring Sometime [1.1]

    Diane: [into telephone] Yes, I'll take a message.
    [Pause, then Diane hangs up the phone]
    Sam: Well?
    Diane: "You're a magnificent pagan beast."
    Sam: Thanks. What's the message?
    Coach: [to Diane] Oh, hi there.
    Diane: Hello.
    Coach: [noticing her luggage] I hope someone told you the bus goes by here.
    Sam: No, Coach, she's going to be sitting here for a while...
    Diane: [taps on her glass to get Sam's attention] Excuse me. I hate to keep asking for special attention, but could you not discuss my private life with everyone that comes in?
    Sam: What would you like me to tell them?
    Diane: I don't care.
    Sam: [to Coach] She's a hooker.
    Coach: Ah.
Norm coach coach coach coach coach ah

### Sam's Women [1.2]

    Sam: My life isn't fun anymore. It's because of you.
    Diane: Because of me?
    Sam: Yeah, you're a snob.
    Diane: A snob!
    Sam: Yeah, that's right.
    Diane: Well, you're a rapidly aging adolescent.
    Sam: Well I would rather be that than a snob.
    Diane: Well I would rather be a snob.
    Sam: Good because you are.
    Sam: Well I guess I've, uh, I've never looked at your eyes.
    Diane: Is something wrong with them?
    Sam: No, I uh, I just don't think I've ever seen eyes that color before. Matter of fact I don't think I've ever seen that color before. Yes I have, yes I have.
    Diane: Where?
    Sam: I was uh, I was on a ski weekend, up at Stowe. I uh, was coming in late one day – uh, last person off the slope – the sun had just gone down. And the sky became this incredible color. I usually don’t uh, notice things like that, and I found myself kind of walking around in the cold, hoping that it wouldn’t change; wishing that I had someone there to share it with me. Afterwards I tried to convince myself I had imagined that color; that I hadn’t really seen it. Nothing on this earth could be this beautiful. Now I see I was wrong. [Pause] Wouldn't work, huh?
    Diane: What?
    Sam: Intelligent women would see right through that.
    Diane: Oh...oh! In a minute!

### The Tortelli Tort [1.3]

    Sam: How did you know that?
    Diane: Well I picked it up in pre-law.
    Sam: I thought you were an English major.
    Diane: Well that was after art and before psychology.
    Sam: Is there anything you weren't in college?
    Carla: Blonde.
    Diane: Check the yearbook, Carla.
    Ed: [trying to get Carla to react] Sam Malone was a terrible pitcher! Ted Williams was overrated! Bobby Orr was a WIMP!
    Sam: Uh, Eddie, Eddie, I'd stay away from hockey.
    Ed: Aha! I hit a sore spot, huh? Okay. [to a still-calm Carla] The Bruins… are a bunch of ugly… stupid… SISSIES!!!
    Sam: Come on, Ed! I mean, how much more do you need?
    Ed: [sighs] Okay, Sam. I'm gonna drop the whole thing. Working here is punishment enough!
    Coach: Carla, how did you do it?
    Carla: Nothing to it! I mean, I've been working real hard on this, haven't I Doc? I mean we has some great sessions. I just used this little trick Dr. Graham showed me. I imagined a small point way off in the distance.
    Man in pool room: Hey Carla, where's that beer I ordered?
    Carla: SHUT UP, WE'RE CELEBRATING!! [tosses a beer mug to the man] And I just kept thinking of that point. He never fazed me, I'm telling you. A little deep breathing relaxation... [cut off by credits]

### Sam at Eleven [1.4]

    Diane: Sam, this could be a crucial moment in your life. It is vitally important that you handle your emotions properly. The worst thing that anyone in a situation like this could do right now is to repress his feelings.
    Sam: [calmly] Diane, get out. Please?
    Diane: You need to lash out, to release yourself. Scream.
    Sam: [screams at the top of his lungs] Get out!
    Diane: Wonderful. All right. Now, we need now to move away from the brute gut release of emotions into the more cerebral. Tell me in one sentence what you perceive to be your problem right now.
    Sam: You won't leave.
    Diane: Let's come back to that...
    Coach: How's life treating you Norm?
    Norm: Like I ran over its dog.

### Coach's Daughter [1.5]

    Lisa: Daddy, isn't it obvious to you?
    Coach: Nothing is ever obvious to me.
    Lisa: Daddy, you have been saying that I'm beautiful ever since I was a very little girl. But look at me, not as my father, but like you were looking at me for the first time and please, try to see me as I really am.
    Coach: Oh my God, I, I didn't realize how much you look like your mother.
    Lisa: I know. I look exactly like her, and Mom was not-- [Pause] comfortable with her beauty.
    Coach: But that's what made her more beautiful. Your mother grew more beautiful every day of her life.
    Lisa: She was really beautiful.
    Coach: Yes, and so are you. You're the most beautiful kid in the whole world.
    Lisa: Thanks, Daddy.

### Any Friend of Diane's [1.6]

    Diane: [about her friend, Rebecca] Sam. That woman over there is a dear friend of mine. Now she is going through a very difficult period. So whatever she asks you, please, just say no.
    Sam: [confused] What?
    Diane: No.
    Rebecca: [approaching Sam and Diane] Diane?
    Diane: Yes?
    Rebecca: Would you excuse us a moment?
    Diane: Fine.
    [as she leaves Sam and Rebecca alone, Diane emphatically mouths the word "no" to Sam]
    Rebecca: Would you object to joining me in my hotel room for a afternoon of wild animal passion?
    Sam: [loudly so that Diane can hear] No!
    [Diane nods her approval]
    Sam: What's your name?
    Rebecca: Does it matter?
    Sam: [loudly so that Diane can hear] No!
    Diane: You're offended because she considered you nothing but a stud service?
    Sam: No. I actually like that.

### Friends, Romans, Accountants [1.7]

    Sam: Say didn't we used to have a weekly Elizabethan poet night?
    Norm: It started getting too rowdy.
    Cliff: I remember the night you were charged with practicing iambic pentameter without a license.
    Diane: You know, Sam. If I am to serve both as a waitress and the butt of jokes I think I should make more money.
    Carla: Yeah, what does a good butt make in this town?
    Norm: [looking for a last-minute date for his boss] Carla, do you suppose...
    Carla: No no Norm, don't look at me. I got four kids and I sure ain't lookin' for any more.
    Norm: I didn't say to have sex with the guy.
    Carla: It doesn't matter. I'm what you call a fast breeder. A man winks at me, I'm three months along.

### Truce or Consequences [1.8]

    Diane: What could happen?
    Sam: Oh nothing, oh nothing. Two women left alone who hate each other in a room filled with glass and alcohol.
    Diane: Name calling, the last refuge of the monosyllabic.
    Carla: I don't know what that means but I heard slob in there.

### Coach Returns to Action [1.9]

    Coach: It's the damnedest thing. I've been shivering all the way over here.
    Diane: Well, Coach, you don't have a coat on. It's 30 degrees outside.
    Coach: Oh, thank god. I thought I had malaria.
    Diane: Well, what I can't fathom is how one can drink ice-cold beer in freezing weather.
    Norm: Cliff, explanation, please?
    Diane: Now, how do you know he has one?
    Norm: Five bucks says he does, ten says that it's a doozy.
    Cliff: When the British ruled the Punjab...
    Norm: Ten bucks, all the way.

### Endless Slumper [1.10]

    Coach: What's the story, Norm?
    Norm: A thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
    Diane: [talking about how Sam was able to make the beer slide around the corner of the bar] Okay, how do you do it?
    Sam: Well it's just one of my two hidden talents. The other one is just as impressive.
    Diane: But you can hardly charge a buck for it.

### One for the Book [1.11]

    Sam: Oh, sir, save your quarter. That piano hasn't worked in twenty years.
    Carla: Use the jukebox. It doesn't work, either, but it's only a dime.
    Norm: [about the player piano] Sammy, why do you keep something around here that doesn't work?
    Carla: [about Diane] Because no one else will give her a job.
    Sam: When I played baseball, I mean I used to get quoted all the time. I mean, reporters used to hang around my locker just waiting for me to say something intelligent.
    Diane: I know the feeling.

### The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One [1.12]

    Cliff: [to Eric] We swear not a word you say will ever go beyond this room.
    Norm: We never go beyond this room.
    Carla: [to Eric] You cannot believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Ya know, if you could fix TVs and crack walnuts on your forehead, you could be my ex-husband.

### Now Pitching, Sam Malone [1.13]

    Diane: Sam, let's talk.
    Sam: There's nothing to talk about.
    Diane: It's important. Come back to the office now.
    Carla: Uh oh. Sammy's in trouble with Miss Chambers again.
    Everyone in the bar: [chanting] Sam's in trouble with Miss Chambers, Sam's in trouble with Miss Chambers....
    Sam: Listen before you came to work at this bar I never thought that much about morality and integrity. You made me aware of all that stuff for the first time.
    Diane: Thank you, Sam.
    Sam: That's why I'm firing you. You can leave your apron right there on the counter.

### Let Me Count the Ways [1.14]

    Diane: Did you ever have a pet?
    Coach: You mean like an animal?
    Coach: What's going on, Norm?
    Norm: Science is seeking a cure for thirst and I happen to be the guinea pig.

### Father Knows Last [1.15]

    Cliff: Carla made love to a PhD from MIT?
    Coach: Hey look you guys, if you can't say it in front of me don't say it at all.
    Norm: Congratulations! Unless you didn't want another kid.
    Coach: Of course, she wanted the kid, Norm.
    Carla: Sure I do. What penniless unmarried mother of four wouldn't.

### The Boys in the Bar [1.16]

    Sam: [about some gay customers] What do you think I should say to them?
    Diane: Oh well, it's very very simple. Just walk up and say hello we're a group of sniveling bigots and we don't care for your kind.
    Cliff: That's good.
    Diane: Carla, you're not prejudiced against gays, are you?
    Carla: Well, I'm not exactly crazy about 'em. I mean I get enough competition from women. I tell you if guys keep coming out of the closet there isn't going to be anybody left to date and I'm going to have to start going out with girls. [looks at Diane] Ewww.
    Diane: Carla, you don't have to worry about me. I like my dates a little more masculine than you. Not much, but a little.

### Diane's Perfect Date [1.17]

    Coach: Beer, Norm?
    Norm: That's that sudzy amber stuff, right? Been hearing good things about it.
    Sam: Would you just admit that you're hung up on me, dammit?!!
    Diane: I am not!
    Sam: You are too!
    Diane: I am not!
    Sam: You are too!
    Norm: Please, please, do you think I would behave this way in your home?

### No Contest [1.18]

    Coach: What can I do for you, Norm?
    Norm: I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. How about a first one?
    Diane: I sold out womankind for a trip to Bermuda.
    Sam: Come on, don't feel so bad. Most people would have done it for the dry cleaning.

### Pick a Con... Any Con [1.19]

    Sam: You're in a pretty good mood tonight.
    Diane: Why not? Last night I was up till two in the morning finishing off Kierkegaard.
    Sam: I hope he thanked you for it.
    Coach: Let me give the sign.
    Sam: I don't know, isn't it kinda tricky?
    George: Well, he is the last person Harry would suspect to be in on anything clever.

### Someone Single, Someone Blue [1.20]

    Coach: My friends call me 'Coach', but my other nickname is 'Red'.
    Helen: Why? Because your hair used to be red?
    Coach: No, because I read a book.
    Coach: What'll it be Norm?
    Norm: Fame, fortune, fast women.
    Coach: How about a beer?
    Norm: Even better.

### Showdown - Part 1 [1.21]

    Carla: Hey Sam, you want me to hang around until your date gets here?
    Sam: No, you probably want to get on home.
    Carla: Are you kiddin'? It's two a.m., my kids might be there.
    Sam: Listen I think you and Derek will make a great match.
    Diane: Really?
    Sam: Yeah, you both think you're perfect and one of you is right.

### Showdown - Part 2 [1.22]

    Diane: Coach, do you think I'm a smart person?
    Coach: You're the smartest person I ever met.
    Diane: Well, I, Diane Chambers, bred and educated to walk with kings, once offered a full scholarship to the Sorbonne, have allowed myself to become attracted to a six foot three inch bubble gum card.
    Coach: Well gee, I think I can help you out with the sore buns Diane, but...the rest of what you say is all over my head!
    Sam: You are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met!
    Diane: You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered son-of-a—
    Sam: Shut up! Shut your fat mouth!
    Diane: Make me!
    Sam: Make you?... My God I'm, I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall in this office!
    Diane: Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow... or should I say funnier?
    Sam: You know... you know I always wanted to pop you one! Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?
    Diane: You disgust me! I hate you!
    Sam: Are you as turned on as I am?
    Diane: More!
    Sam: Bet me. [They kiss, fade to black]
    Sam: Now I'm going to nibble on your ear.
    Diane: Don't tell me you're going to nibble on my ear...