# Good Burger

Good Burger is a 1997 film from Nickelodeon about the exploits of Dexter Reed and other Good Burger employees who try to save their restaurant from being run out of business. It was based on the All That sketch of the same name. The film stars Kenan Thompson and Kel Mitchell.
    Directed by Brian Robbins. Produced by Mike Tollin and Brian Robbins. Written by Dan Schneider, Kevin Kopelow and Heath Seifert.

## Ed

* [first, repeated, and last line] Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?
* [repeated line, always sung] I'm a dude. He's a dude. She's a dude. We're all dudes, hey!

## Kurt Bozwell

* [repeated line] You mess with Kurt, and you go into the grinder.

## Others

* Fizz: Nobody's ever abbreviated my name before. I love that!
* Otis: [after eating French fries with Ed's sauce on it] It makes me glad I'm not dead.
* Attendant: [after Ed has released a deranged man from his straight jacket] Goodness gracious! He's killing Sydney!

## Dialogue

    Ed: Welcome to Burger King. Home of the whopper. Can I take your order?
    Construction Worker: Well, it's about time. Can I get 2 burgers?
    Ed: Sorry, dude. I have to go get them. Customers aren't allowed in the back.
    Construction Worker: [irritated] Just give me 2 burgers!
    Ed: Dude, I can't just give you two burgers. You have to pay for 'em!
    Construction Worker: Forget it! Forget it! I've had it up to here with Good Burger! I can't wait for Mondo Burger to open. [leaves]
    Mr. Baily: [about Mondo Burger] They're competition. Big competition.
    Monique: Yep. They could put us out of business.
    [The rest of the employees begin to agree with her]
    Mr. Baily: All right! Now, come on! Good Burger has been here for over 40 years! People love us! [looks at Ed] Most of us. And no one's putting Good Burger out of business!
    Mr. Wheat: What's your hurry, my brother?
    Dex: Uh, my hurry is it's now officially summer vacation, and yet I'm still looking at you.
    Mr. Wheat: You're an amazing student. I mean, you sit there and get your test done first, and you were concentrating so hard I thought you were asleep.
    Dex: Next time, make it more challenging.
    Mr. Wheat: That's what I want to talk to you about. Challenges, potential, using your mind. Cause I'm worried about you.
    Dex: I'm worried about you, too. Have you seen yourself lately? The 'fro, the boots, and this jacket...You have a nice summer, Shaft!
    Jake: Nice car. This yours?
    Dex: No. It's my mom's, and she's away on business in New York.
    Jake: And she lets you drive this while she's out of town?
    Dex: Nope. [speeds off]
    [Mr. Baily has asked Ed to do a delivery]
    Ed: But I don't do deliveries, sir.
    Mr. Baily: Well, you're doing them for now. I fired O'Malley.
    Ed: Why?
    Mr. Baily: Because the boy showed up for work without his pants!
    Kurt: [blows whistle] Shut up! Just be quiet!
    Dex: Well, It'd be a lot more quiet if you stopped blowing the whistle.
    Kurt: [addressing employees] People, I'm fully stoked about being in charge of every single one of you. Within 2 years, Mondo Burger's going to be the biggest burger chain on this planet. Oh, yeah. First we got to beat out our big competition across the street, Good Burger. From now on, your life is Mondo Burger. You can forget about your friends, you can forget about your family...because Kurt is now both your mother and your father.
    Dex: [whispering to a female co-worker] Kurt must look awfully strange naked.
    [She giggles silently]
    Kurt: Who said that?! Who talked while Kurt was talking?!
    Griffin: [points to Dexter] It was him! He uttered something.
    Kurt: [moves closer to the stunned Dexter] Why, I should've known.
    Dex: Uh, I'm sorry I uttered.
    Kurt: You think you're funny, don't you, bro? You know what? At Mondo Burger, there are no comedians. You mess with Kurt and you go into the grinder.
    Dex: Okay, now this grinder of yours, is it a real grinder or is it some kind of a metaphor?
    Kurt: That's it, you're gone! Adios, TKO, historical!
    Dex: Wait, wait, wait. I won't be funny no more.
    Kurt: Security!
    [The security storms into the room]
    Dex: Wait! You ain't gotta bring the man down here! Kurt, come on, please! I need this job!
    Kurt: Take out the trash!
    Dex: [offended] "Trash?" Okay, now lookee here- [the guards grab him]
    Kurt: Get this loser out of my face!
    Dex: "Loser"?! Oh, now you're about to push me a little too far!
    Kurt: You want a piece of me?
    Dex: Yeah! Extra crispy please!
    Customer: [motioning to Ed] Excuse me! Look, I ordered one Good Burger with nothing on it!
    Ed: That's what I gave you.
    Customer: No, you gave me a bun. Just a bun. Look, there's no meat in here.
    Ed: But you said you wanted nothing on it.
    Customer: Yes, but I expected a meat patty!
    Ed: Dude, a meat patty is something. You said nothing. Fizz, is a meat patty something or nothing?
    Fizz: Uh, something?
    Ed: [raises arm in the air] I win!
    Customer: All right, that rips it! I am reporting your name to the manager!
    Ed: The manager already knows my name.
    Customer: Oh, I'll see you in Hell. [storms out]
    Ed: Okay, see ya there!
    Dex: Hey, you look familiar. Don't I know you from somewhere?
    Ed: Ever been to Australia?
    Dex: No.
    Ed: Me neither.
    Dex: I've could've sworn I've seen you someplace before.
    Ed: Hey, I know! Maybe I'm someone famous! You know, like a baseball player or a pretty nurse!
    Dex: What? Man, what in the world are you talking about?
    Ed: Okay, okay. I give up. Who am I?
    Dex: Man, I don't know who you are. Or where I know you from. Or why you think you're an attractive nurse, but I am sure I don't wanna know you any longer. Now, please go away, I've had a very bad day.
    Ed: What's wrong? Were you bitten by a sheep?
    Dex: [confused] What?
    Ed: Did you lose your trousers?
    Dex: Look, you're an unusually bad guesser, so I'll tell you. I need to come up with $1,900 to fix some stranger's car, another $800 to fix my mother's car, and I just got fired. Man, I can't believe Kurt fired me from Mondo Burger. I mean, he yelled at me, then he insulted me. He made fun of me. [looks downcast]
    Ed: Boy, you must really suck.
    Dex: See right about now I'd slap you in your head, but I'm not sure if your brain would understand the concept of pain.
    Ed: [oblivious] Hey! Wanna see my belly button?
    Ed: Mr. Baily! This guy needs a job. Can he have one?
    Mr. Baily: No!
    Dex: See ya.
    Ed: No, wait, wait! C'mon, Mr. Baily, he really needs one. He can do fries.
    Mr. Baily: Otis does fries.
    Ed: Yeah, but look at him. How much longer could he possibly live?
    Otis: I should've died years ago.
    Dex: Tough break.
    Ed: [after Dexter gets the job at Good Burger] Cool! I'll teach him everything I know!
    Mr. Baily: [groans] Oh...God, help me.
    Dex: Hello. My name is Dexter. I'm your new co-worker.
    Monique: [slightly irritated] Monique.
    Dex: Well, that's a nice outfit you got on there, Monique. And those stripes really bring out the color in your eyes.
    Monique: [sarcastically] Yes. You can imagine how embarrassed I was when I came to work and saw everyone wearing the same thing.
    Dex: [laughs uneasily] Okay. I guess I'll see you later then.
    Monique: I guess you will. [walks off]
    [Ed is driving the Burger-Mobile]
    Dex: That was a stop sign!
    Ed: Uh...no?
    Dex: [whines] Aw, man!
    Kurt: Hey check it, boys. Right back there. It's the reject. [laughs along with his friends]
    Dex: [sarcastically] Hey check it, Ed. It's the Mondo idiot.
    Ed: Oh, well, nice to meet you Mondo Idiot. I'm Ed.
    Dex: So, Monique. What are you going to do tonight after you lock up?
    Monique: I thought I'd go home.
    Dex: Home? Why?
    Monique: Well...that's where my stuff is.
    Dex: Stuff. Ha, ha, ha.
    Ed: [rolling on his skates] Hey, Dex. Want to hang out tonight?
    Dex: I don't know, but - Hey Ed, you better be careful. [before he realizes that Ed is the one who was a roller-blading and delivery blades right in front of Dex which caused his accident, when Ed accidentally pushed Otis over, and breaks his pelvis; angrily points at Ed] You!
    Ed: [turns around and looked at Dexter] Me?
    Dex: Now I know where I saw you before. You're the roller-blading nut that caused my accident!
    Ed: Uh...no?
    Dex: You're the reason why I owe 1,900 bucks! You're the reason my mom found out I was driving without a license! And you cost me a fortune! You wrecked my summer, man. You ruined my life.
    Ed: So, you don't want to hang out tonight?
    Dex: No. I don't want to hang out with you...ever.
    Otis: [to Dexter] Do you think you can get me to a hospital? I think I broke my ass.
    Dex: [to Otis] Come on, Otis. [to Ed] Get out of the way.
    Mr. Wheat: [arrives at Good Burger] Ah, Mr. Reed. Hard at work as usual.
    Dex: I'm having my lunch.
    Mr. Wheat: Well, I just got my car from the body shop and I've got to admit: It is new. Here's the receipt. [gives him the receipt]
    Dex: [eyes widen] $2500?! No. The estimate was only for $1900!
    Mr. Wheat: Well, that, my young brother, is why they call it an estimate. Close to, kind of, could be. [chuckles] And I'll meet you in about 2 and a half monthy to get me my money. Now you have a good day at work. I'm going to have lunch at Mondo Burger. Home of the big booty burger. [leaves]
    Ed: [sits with Dex during lunch] Mind if I sit here?
    Dex: [still angry] Yes, I do mind.
    Ed: Thanks.
    Dex: Wh-Wh-What are you doing?
    Ed: Eating my lunch.
    Dex: I told you not to sit here. I don't like you. Can you get that through your head?
    Ed: I can try. [pokes his head with his fries] Nope.
    Dex: I'm gonna have to spell this out to you. I don't wanna sit by you. I don't wanna see you. I don't wanna smell you. I don't wanna hang out with you. I don't even wanna use words with the letter "U"!
    Ed: [with 2 grapes up his nose] Look! I'm Grape Nose Boy! Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity...
    Dex: Stop that.
    Ed: Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity...
    Dex: Would you stop?
    Ed: Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity...
    Dexter: That ain't funny! [then laughs]
    Ed: Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity...Made ya laugh!
    Dex: So...Oh, I give up.
    [The whole staff likes Ed's sauce]
    Dex: If we put this sauce on all the Good Burgers, then everyone will want to eat here! We'll knock Mondo Burger right off the map!
    Ed: WHEE! That's great!
    Mr. Baily: [excited] Ed, get in that kitchen and start making sauce!
    Ed: Yippy skippy! [stands up] It shall be done! [runs to the kitchen]
    Mr. Baily: [as the employees continue clamoring with laughter] Gimme another French fry! Good Burger's back in business!
    Deedee: Ed! There must be 50 customers out there! It's unbelievable! What do you put in that sauce?
    Ed: Well, you start off with a little lemon juice and some ketchup- [Dex, freaking out, tackles him to the ground] Um, look, Dex, I like you as a friend and all, but it might...
    Dex: No! Listen to me carefully.
    Ed: Okay.
    Dex: Do not tell anyone the recipe to your sauce.
    Ed: Oh. Well, first you start off with a little lemon juice...
    Dex: Stop it! Stop talking.
    Ed: Oh.
    Dex: Never tell anyone the ingredients of your sauce.
    Ed: Why?
    Dex: You want to save Good Burger, don't you?
    Ed: Oh, yeah. Good Burger's my life.
    Dex: Well, then, you got to keep your sauce recipe a secret. All right?
    Ed: Okay.
    Dex: All right.
    Ed: Um, Dex?
    Dex: Hmm?
    Ed: You're squishing my pancreas.
    Dex: [gets up] Sorry.
    Ed: [also gets up] Thanks.
    Kurt: [upon seeing Good Burger becoming a huge success] Unbelievable. Two days ago, we had Good Burger CRUSHED! Now look at them.
    Troy: [eating a Good Burger] I think it's the sauce, boss.
    Kurt: [walks over to Troy, and headbutts him] DUH! I know that! [to Griffin] You think Kurt's stupid?
    [Griffin shrugs before quickly shaking his head]
    Dex: You know...I don't even remember what my dad looks like.
    Ed: I don't remember what my dad looks like, either, but at least I get to see him every day.
    Kurt: Can I give you a lift, Ed?
    Ed: Gee, I don't know dude. I weigh about 150.
    Kurt: I want you to come work for me at Mondo Burger. You make your sauce for Kurt.
    Ed: Who's Kurt?
    Kurt: I'm Kurt!
    Ed: I'm Ed.
    Kurt: I'm aware!
    Ed: You said you were Kurt.
    Ed: [about Kurt] I think he likes me.
    Dex: Ed! That diphthong doesn't like you, he just wants to use you!
    Ed: Well, that's not "natural."
    Dex: [Ed gives him a yo-yo] What is this?
    Ed: It's a yo-yo. I bought it with the $13 you gave me. It lights up and flickers and everything, just like the one your dad gave you.
    Dex: Why'd you get this for me?
    Ed: Cause we're buds!
    Roxanne: You are so hot.
    Ed: Oh, well, I often sweat at work.
    Dex: [about Monique] How can I not like her? She smart, fun, beautiful, and cuddly.
    Ed: Then just ask her out.
    Dex: Naw.
    Ed: What, you're chicken?
    Dex: I'm not a chicken!
    Ed: Are too! Dexter's a chicken! Chicken! Moo! Moo!
    Dex: CHICKENS! [quieter] Chickens don't moo Ed. They cluck. [imitates chicken sound]
    Roxanne: Ed, can't we go somewhere and be alone?
    Ed: What for?
    Roxanne: Well we can just talk or get to know each other a little better. Now, doesn't that sound like more fun than miniature golf?
    Ed: [looks at the audience for a few seconds; then back at Roxanne] No! Come on!
    Dex: So, uh, you like me?
    Monique: Of course. So, uh, you like me?
    Dex: Are you kiddin'? I liked you from the first time I saw you! Right off the bat. But I guess it was the same thing for you, huh?
    Monique: No, actually I thought you were self-centered and obnoxious.
    Dex: Well, so much for my self-esteem.
    [Roxanne shows up to Mondo Burger with crutches and multiple injuries]
    Roxanne: I...QUIT! [then falls on the ground]
    Griffen: I'm guessing she didn't get the sauce recipe.
    Kurt: [disgusted] I'm aware.
    Connie Muldoon: [as she gives her long order, her speed of talking increases] Hello. My name is Connie Muldoon. I'm hosting a family reunion and my oven has run amuck; I think it's the heat actuator. Anyhoo, I'd like to order, uh, three Good Meals, four Junior Good Meals, and 17-piece order of your Good Chunks and, okay, on two of the Junior Good Meals, I need to substitute the Good Cookies for Good Pies. Now, don't fret if that's extra; I'll pony up the overage. And, uh, oh! On the regular Good Meals, I need two of the Good Burgers to have ketchup, mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomato, but no onion; I've got an interview this afternoon. Let's see, that takes care of everyone but Uncle Leslie who doesn't eat meat but, of course, he does eat dairy, so I don't get it. Let's get Leslie a Good Chickwich, some Good Fries, and a Good Root Beer all to go. But I would like to have my beverage while I wait. Now, total me up.
    [Ed's brain is damaged due to the long order]
    Dex: [appears behind Monique] Guess who.
    Monique: [not interested] Hi, Dexter.
    Dex: Hey. What you doing?
    Monique: Getting ready for work.
    Dex: Oh, cool, cool. Um, listen, since we had such a nice time last night, uh, I thought that maybe we could do it again tonight.
    Monique: I don't think so.
    Dex: Okay. Tomorrow night, then?
    Monique: No.
    Dex: Well, maybe this weekend?
    Monique: Maybe not.
    Dex: Okay. Who are you and what have you done with the real Monique?
    Monique: [sarcastically] Oh, she's right here! It's just that now she knows the real Dexter.
    Dex: Come again?
    Monique: You forgot your jacket last night. [hands him his jacket]
    Dex: Thank you.
    Monique: And this fell out of the pocket [holds the contract]
    Dex: Oh, um, this is just...all it is, all it is...
    Monique: Right, It's just the contract you had Ed sign. You know the one where you take most of his money? The money he's supposed to get for his sauce!
    Dex: Yeah, but...
    Monique: I can't believe you would do something like that to someone who trusts you! How can you take advantage of a sweet person like Ed? And after he got you a job!
    Dex: It ain't even like that! All I wanted-
    Monique: Oh, I know what you wanted! You're not Ed's friend, you're just using him to scam a little cash on the side. You must feel really good. Oh, but don't worry I'm not gonna tell Ed you're cheating him.
    Dex: Why not?
    Monique: 'Cuz it would hurt him too much. [leaves]
    [Dex looks down in realization]
    Otis: [hearing everything] Punk.
    Kurt: Triampathol is WAY illegal. But I'll tell you what, it sure makes burgers nice and enormo!
    Dex: Yea, but what happens to all those nice, innocent people when they eat your "enormo" burgers?
    Kurt: Uh-oh. DON'T CARE...ladies!
    [Troy and Griffin rip off Ed and Dexter's old lady disguises, but they laugh when they see that Ed is wearing a corset underneath]
    Dex: Yeah yeah, laugh it up, but when those people find out that you've been putting illegal stuff in their food, you're going to jail!
    Kurt: That's why nobody outside of this room is going to find out.
    Dex: What do you expect us to do, keep our mouths shut?
    Kurt: No, I'LL shut them for you.
    Dex: Ed, run!
    [Ed runs straight into the wall]
    [Otis has caught Kurt and his gang putting shark poison in Ed's sauce]
    Otis: What's that junk you're pouring into our sauce?
    Troy: Shut up, old man!
    Kurt: Don't be rude to the elderly. The old man asked us a question. [to Otis] Now, it's called shark poison, and it's gonna make all your little Good Burger customers very, very sick.
    Troy: So sick that I doubt any of them will ever want to eat here again.
    Otis: I'm calling the cops!
    Kurt: [stops him] You're not calling anyone.
    Otis: [in the straight jacket] Do I look like I came to visit? What're you doing here?
    Dex: They kidnapped us, but why'd they bring you here?
    Otis: Because I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce!
    Dex: [shocked] Shark poison?!
    Ed: Wow, who'd want to hurt those innocent sharks?
    Dex:[to Ed] Man will you forget about the sharks? That stuff's going to hurt innocent people!
    Otis: Can you get to a phone?
    Dex: There's no chance! What time is it?
    Ed: Oh, I'll tell you. [stares at his wrist]
    Otis: It's 6 A.M., and Good Burger opens at 10.
    Dex: [realizing] That means we've only got four hours to warn them!
    Otis: But how are we gonna get out of here?
    Dex: What happened?
    Ed: I just tackled some old lady.
    Dex: All right, Ed! You're the man!
    [They whoop and cheer]
    Mr. Baily: Excuse me?! But will somebody explain WHY this is a GOOD thing?!
    Dexter: [picks up the poisoned Good Burger] This is why. Mondo Burger poisoned our sauce!
    Mr. Baily: [shocked] How could Mondo Burger poison our sauce?!
    Dexter: We'll explain it to you later. Right now, just keep all these people from eating a Good Burger, and call the police. Come on, Ed, we're going back to Mondo Burger.
    Ed: What for?
    Dexter: Evidence!
    [They leave]
    Otis: [emerges, tired] I need a jacuzzi!
    Dex: [yelling] Ed?! Ed?! ED!!!
    Ed: [from inside the straw] Over here! Over here! Come on!
    Dex: [looks up, surprised] What are you doing in the straw?!
    Ed: It's right over the kitchen! I can see it! Come on!
    Dex: How do you expect me to get up there?
    Ed: Oh, it easy. You just jump on the burger, jump on the fry, then you hop on the cup and then you shimmy on the straw.
    Dex: What is this? American Gladiators?
    Ed: COME ON!
    Dex: Alright.
    [Kurt and his gang surrounded Dex on the rooftop of Mondo Burger]
    Kurt: Alright, PUNK! The game is over.
    Dex: No, your game is over, because right now my man Ed is on his way to the police station with a can of your illegal Triampathol. Ha!
    Ed: [arrives with said can] Hey Dex, look what I got!
    Kurt: Get it! [Troy grabs the can; laughs] Nice try, dudes, but you mess with Kurt, you go in the grinder! [checks the can] Hey...this can's empty. What an idiot! Stole an empty can!
    Dex: Ed, you stole an empty can?
    Ed: It wasn't empty when I found it!
    [Kurt's eyes widen before the restaurant begins to shake, realizing what's about to happen]
    [The giant burger statue from Mondo Burger crushes Mr. Wheat's car]
    Mr. Wheat: [sobbing] Why? Why?! What have I done?
    [The cops arrested Kurt for illegally adding food activities to his burgers]
    Kurt: Listen, I can explain everything! This is all just a big misunderstanding! I don't understand! I don't know what happened!
    Dex: Oh, sure, you do. Why don't you go on ahead and tell your little police friend that you made your big Beefy Burgers all big and beefy by using illegal food additives.
    Police Officer Perkins: Is that true?
    Kurt: No! He's lying! [to Dex] You're lying! You're full of crap!
    Police Officer: Yeah? Well, why don't we just check these out, and we'll see who's lying.
    Police Officer Perkins: I think you better come with us.
    Kurt: Man, you're out of your minds! You're crazy, man! You know who I am?! Huh?!
    Police Officer Perkins: Yeah, I know, I know.
    [The cops placed Kurt under arrest and put him in the car]
    Dex: Bye-bye!
    Ed: Hey, hey, remember: When you mess with Good Burger...
    Ed and Dex: You go in the grinder!
    [Ed laughs]
    Dex: Oh, dog, you enjoy prison now!
    [The cops drive off with Kurt]
    Ed and Dex: Kurt's goin' to jail! Kurt's goin' to jail! Kurt's goin' to jail! Jail! Jail! Kurt's goin' to jail! Kurt's goin' to jail! Kurt' goin' to jail! Jail! Jail! Kurt's goin' to jail! Kurt's goin' to jail! Kurt's goin' to jail! Jail! Jail!
    Dex: So you poured that stuff in the meat, didn't you?
    Ed: I had to.
    Dex: You had to?
    Ed: Sure. See, I knew that if I took the can, there was a good chance I'd get caught. Then I thought, even if I did take the triampathol to the proper authorities, Kurt would hire some high-powered attorneys who would dispute any charges brought against him or Mondo Burger, by manipulating the legal system. And the way that America's court system is congested these days, it would've taken months to convict him of anything. So then I thought, I'll take the matters into my own hands, and just pour the triampathol into the meat supply, and let Mondo Burger be a victim of its own foul play.
    Dex: Wait-wait-wait. You thought of all that?
    Ed: Sure! I'm not stupid.
    Dexter: Hey, man, about the contract, why don't we just forget about it? [rips contract in half]
    Ed: You don't wanna be partners?
    Dexter: No, see...
    Ed: Is it because I'm black?
    Ed: Um, Dex? I just want to say that, well, I'm really gonna miss you...a lot. And um, I will always remember you, Dexter Reed. In my thoughts and in my heart. Goodbye, my friend. [hugs Dex]
    Dexter: Um, Ed? I'm not going anywhere man.
    Ed: [lets him go] Oh.

## Tagline

* Coming to diners this summer.

## Cast

* Kel Mitchell — Ed
* Kenan Thompson — Dexter "Dex" Reed
* Sinbad — Mr. Wheat
* Abe Vigoda — Otis
* Shar Jackson — Monique
* Dan Schneider — Mr. Baily
* Ron Lester — Spatch
* Josh Server — Fizz
* Ginny Schreiber — Deedee
* Jan Schweiterman — Kurt Bozwell
* Linda Cardellini — Heather
* Carmen Electra (uncredited) — Roxanne
* Marques Houston — Jake
* Hamilton von Watts — Troy
* J. August Richards — Griffin
* Shaquille O'Neal — Himself

## External Links

* Good Burger quotes at the Internet Movie Database
* Good Burger at Rotten Tomatoes