# Drake & Josh/Season 1

    Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main | Film: Merry Christmas, Drake & Josh
Drake & Josh is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

### Pilot

    [first opening comments, introducing Drake Parker and Josh Nichols]
    Drake: [first lines] My name's Drake Parker.
    Josh: I'm Josh Nichols.
    Drake: I should probably be doing my homework.
    Josh: I'm just doing a little homework here.
    Drake: But it's more fun to do this. [plays his guitar]
    Drake and Josh: Man, I'm thirsty. [both take their drinks each]
    Drake: I live here with my mom and my little sister, Megan.
    Josh: I've got a great family, even though it's just me and my dad. I love that guy.
    Drake: I love girls. [drinks] So my mom's been dating this guy.
    Josh: So my dad's been dating this woman. She's really great.
    Drake: He's okay, but he's got this kid that goes to my school.
    Josh: She has a son that goes to my school. Drake.
    Drake: Josh. It's not that I have anything against Josh.
    Josh: I really don't know Drake all that well.
    Drake and Josh: But he seems kinda…
    Josh:...Okay.
    Drake:...Unusual.
    [Drake shudders as he sees Audrey and Walter making out and he blows a whistle, making them scream]
    Audrey: Drake!
    Drake: Hey, mom. Mr. Nichols.
    [Josh bursts into the living room while brandishing a mop]
    Josh: What happened?! I heard screaming!
    Walter: It's alright, son, there's nothing to mop here.
    Drake: Josh, wh-what are you doing here, what's he doing here?
    Josh: Tell him.
    Audrey: Wait, uh, Drake, quick, get your sister.
    Drake: [yelling] Megan!
    Megan: [referring to her parents; disgusted] Ugh, are they done sucking face yet?
    Audrey: Kids, Josh's dad and I have been going out for a long time now, and we have some news!
    Drake: You got me a dirt bike?
    Audrey: No. [she and Walter exchange looks]
    Audrey and Walter: WE'RE GETTING MARRIED! [Drake acts like he is having a heart attack in disbelief and shock]
    Drake: You're getting ma-ma-ma...?
    Walter: Yeah, we're gonna be one big old, happy family!
    Drake: Wait, wait, you mean, he's going to be my- my stepfather? [Walter chuckles and nods as Drake points at Josh] And you! [Josh nods, smiling] You're gonna be my-? H-He's gonna be my...?
    Josh: Hug me, brotha'! [he hugs Drake, lifting him a bit while Drake screams in dismay]
    Drake: Hey, Josh, you don't want to play any basketb- [he screams when he saw Josh dresses up as a women] Oh, my God!
    Josh: I can explain!
    Drake: Oh, my God!
    Josh: I can explain!
    Drake: Mom! Josh is dressed like a freak!
    Josh: I CAN EXPLAIN!
    Drake: Why are you dressed like Queen Latifah?
    Josh: Because Oh, I can't tell you!
    Drake: Mom! Josh is dressed like--
    Josh: Shh! Alright! I'll tell you, but you gotta swear to keep it a secret.
    Drake: Fine, I swear. Now talk.
    Josh: Alright. I'm uh. I'm. Miss...Nan--
    Drake: What?
    Josh: I'm Miss Nancy, okay? I am Miss Nancy.
    Drake: Wait. From the advice column? From the school newspaper? You're Miss Nancy?
    Josh: Yes. [Drake laughs] Quit laughing. Being Miss Nancy's very important to me. I help people with their problems.
    Drake: You can't help people by wearing pants?
    Josh: You don't understand. I need the- I-I can't write good advice without wearing it.
    Drake: You want some good advice? Stop dressing' like a lady!
    Josh: If dressing' like a lady helps me help others, then dress like a lady I shall!
    Drake: [while reading a letter] Dear Miss Nancy,
    Josh: Hey that-- Give me that!
    Drake: My boyfriend doesn't understand me. He's never romantic. I wish he would just bring me flowers, or write me poems, or cook me romantic dinners.
    Josh: That's for Miss Nancy's eyes only!
    Drake: Wait a second. Purple ink? Dots her I's with little hearts? This letter is from Tiffany Margolis.
    Josh: Quit sniffing' my mail!
    Drake: Dude, Tiffany Margolis is like the hottest girl in school. But, hey, she's not happy with her boyfriend.
    Josh: What are you thinking. What are you thinking?!
    Drake: Poor Tiffany. So sad. So lonely. Sooo hot. Yeah. I think I can help her.
    Josh: No, no, I'm not gonna let you use my letter for your own selfish desires.
    Drake: Fine, then I'll just tell the whole world that my new stepbrother Josh Nichols is the real live Miss Nancy.
    Josh: You're not that evil.
    Drake: People of the world, listen up! Josh Nichols is Miss Na-- Hey! Hey! My spine! My spine!
    Josh: You can't tell people I'm Miss Nancy. You'll ruin everything!
    Drake: Fine. Then don't stop me from "helping" Tiffany. Deal?
    Josh: Alright.
    Drake: Alright?
    Josh: Alright.
    Drake: Are those real?
    Josh: Stop that!
    Walter: Drake, Josh. Your dinner is on the table.
    Drake: [from upstairs] Kay.
    Josh: [from upstairs] Thanks.
    [Megan pours hot sauce on Drake and Josh's dinner and drinks to prank Drake and Josh, then Drake and Josh head downstairs to the living room as they start having dinner]
    Josh: No way!
    Drake: Look, what's the whole reason you do your Miss. Nancy advice columns, huh?
    Josh: To help people with their problems, and or issues.
    Drake: So, if I buy Tiffany some flowers, write her a couple of poems, and cook her a nice, romantic dinner, that would solve her problem, won't it?
    Josh: Wait? You know how to cook?
    Drake: Nope, but I hear you do.
    Josh: No, no, no sir. I'm not cooking dinner for Tiffany.
    Drake: I know who Miss Nancy is! I know who Miss Nancy is! [Josh makes him hush]
    Josh: Ok, alright! I'll cook the dinner. Aah! You hand licker!
    Drake: Come on, let's eat.
    [Drake and Josh sit down and ate a piece of spaghetti filled with hot sauce, as they both got pranked by Megan, making them scream and quickly drink hot sauce to refresh themselves, but they scream again while Josh panics to drink water from vase and Drake panics to drink water from fish tank as the fish tank breaks]
    Drake: THE HOSE!
    Josh: WHAT HOSE?
    Drake: THE HOSE!
    Josh: WHAT HOSE?
    Drake: The window!
    [Drake and Josh both fall through the window while Josh squirts hose to himself, then Drake and Josh drink hose water as Megan shuts and locks window on Drake and Josh]
    [the door knocks]
    Tiffany: Who's that?
    Josh: I don't know. [door knocks louder] Alright, alright, I'm coming. [he walks over to open the door and Buck barges the door open on Josh]
    Tiffany: Buck!
    Buck: [he grabs Josh by his shirt] So, it's true!
    Josh: What? That I have a concussion?
    Buck: I turn my back for 5 minutes, and you're on a date with... with this clown?!
    Josh: [dramatically] Trouble, breathing!
    Tiffany: Look, I can date whoever I want.
    Buck: Yeah? Well, you can't date a guy with no HEAD! [Josh cries] You're hamburger meat. You understand me?
    Josh: [crying] But I'm a vegetarian!
    Buck: Monday, 3:00, you and me. Have an ambulance ready. [shoves Josh against the wall, then leaves]
    Tiffany: That was so romantic!
    Drake: [comes out of the kitchen] And dessert is here. Josh, I thought you had to pee.
    Josh: [looks down at his pants] Done.
    Josh: Where is it?! Where'd you put it?!
    Drake: Thought you were never talking to me again.
    Josh: I have to write my Miss Nancy column. Now where is my dress?
    Drake: I hid it.
    Josh: That's it! You are the worst stepbrother ever!
    Drake: Ooh, harsh. Going to make myself a sandwich.
    Josh: You gimme my dress, or I'll unleash $30 worth of karate on you!
    Drake: No!
    Josh: Man!!
    Drake: Look, I'm trying to do something nice for you. You-you said yourself you hated dressing up like a woman!
    Josh: So?!
    Drake: So, you don't need the dress to give good advice.
    Josh: I told you. I do.
    Drake: You don't.
    Josh: Give me my dress!
    Drake: No.
    Josh: Give it!
    Drake: Nope.
    Josh: Drake!
    Drake: Question. If somebody told you that they had to wear a dress to give good advice. What would you say?
    Josh: I don't know!
    Drake: What would you say?!
    Josh: Drake-I.
    Drake: What would you say?!
    Josh: I'd say it's ridiculous. I'd say, good advice comes from the heart, and in from what's inside you, not the clothes you wear.
    Drake: That's stupid.
    Josh: It's not stupid.
    Drake: Yeah it is, that's stupid advice.
    Josh: It's good advice!
    Drake: I'm sorry, what'd you say?
    Josh: I said, it's good advice.
    Drake: Guess what, Josh? Looks like you just gave some good advice, and i don't see you wearing any dress.
    Josh: Holy.. You're right!
    Drake: I know.
    Josh: I gave good advice, while wearing pants!
    Drake: Praise be the pants.
    Josh: I've never have to dress like a freakish, man-lady again! Oh. Drake! Sorry. I've forgot that you're not comfortable with the hugging.
    Drake: Thanks. [sighs] Look, man. I'm sorry I got you into this whole thing with Buck and the black eye.
    Josh: It's okay. I know you didn't mean to. And listen, I'm sorry that I said you were a bad stepbrother, I didn't mean that. We still friends?
    Drake: Friends? No way, man. We're brothers.
    Josh: May I…?
    Drake: Hug me, brotha! [hugs]
    [Drake and Josh finally become stepbrothers as the episode ends]

### Dune Buggy

    [Josh is on his laptop researching while Drake comes out of the kitchen with his root beer]
    Drake: You're still researching?
    Josh: Yeah. I found all kinds of great stuff on how to repair a dune buggy.
    Drake: You've done enough research. Come on. Let's go get started on it.
    Josh: Quit it. I'm tryin' to read a website on tires.
    Drake: Come on. We use some tools. We tighten things, you know. Maybe throw some oil in the oil hole and we're good to go.
    Josh: [amused] Oil hole? [Drake hits him again] Quit whacking my head!
    Drake: Then come on! [Josh throws a pillow at him, missing, as Josh knocks over the root beer on the TV causing it to short circuit and emit sparks, as it dies] You see what you do?
    Josh: You did it first!
    Drake: Yeah, but at least I didn't cause anything to explode!
    Josh: Oh! [tries to turn the TV back on, but to no avail] Oh... What are we gonna do? Mom and Dad are gonna kill us!
    Drake: No, they won't... They're gonna kill you.
    Josh: But you're the one who ducked! You, d-ducker! Oh, I'm gonna be in so much trouble...
    Drake: Dude, [sits with him] there's a very easy way outta this: lie.
    Josh: Lie?
    Drake: Lie.
    Josh: Lie...
    Drake: Yeah, if Mom and Dad ask about the TV, you don't know what happened.
    Josh: But that's not the truth.
    Drake: Which is why they call it lying...
    Josh: I don't know, lying... It seems so wrong.
    Drake: You wanna get grounded?
    Josh: But it feels so right!
    Audrey: [while looking for the remote] Boys, where's the remote?
    Josh: Uh, I-I don't know. I-I-I-I think it's lost. Why-why don't you read a book?
    Audrey: I already took algebra.
    Josh: What-what-what are you doing?
    Audrey: You know, you can walk over to the TV and turn it on by hand.
    Josh: That's crazy talk. What is this? The old west? Yeehaw! No.
    Audrey: Is there something on TV you don't want me to see?
    Josh: No, I just..
    Audrey: [turns on the TV but seems to be dead] It's not working.
    Josh: Well I'm thinkin' I don't.
    Audrey: [suspicious] Josh!
    Josh: [whines] It was a pillow! A pillow! I threw it and it hit the soda and the root beer with the spilling on the TV and then.. pboom!
    Audrey: Look, Josh. I don't care about the pillow. I don't care about the TV.
    Josh: You don't?
    Audrey: No, I care that you lied to me. I'm really disappointed in you.
    Josh: I'm sorry.
    Audrey: You should be.
    Josh: So, am I "grounded" for breaking the TV?
    Audrey: No.
    Josh: [relieved] Oh!
    Audrey: You're grounded for lying to me.
    Josh: [beat] Oh.
    Audrey: And you're gonna have to do a lot of extra work around this house. [walks away]
    Josh: [walks over to the TV] I drink root beer, you don't see me exploding!
    [Walter shuts off the buggy]
    Drake: What?
    Audrey: You can't drive this out in the street!
    Josh: Sure we can! This thing will do 50!
    Audrey: I mean, you're not allowed to drive it.
    Drake: Why?
    Audrey: Why? You're too young.
    Walter: You don't have driver's licenses.
    Audrey: It's dangerous.
    Walter: That thing can't be street legal, I-it doesn't even have turn signals.
    Drake: No, that's why I got Josh. Left! [Josh signals left] Right! [Josh signals right]
    Walter: Sorry, guys.
    Audrey: Nope.
    Josh: Well, why'd you let us fix it up if you weren't gonna let us drive it?
    Audrey: We never thought you'd actually get it running.
    Walter: Look, we can take it up to the lake this summer and you can drive it.
    Audrey: Slowly, with helmets on, and bubble wrap.
    Walter: Until then, it stays in the garage. We clear?
    Drake: Yeah.
    Josh: We're clear.
    Walter: Good. [leaves the garage with Audrey]
    Drake: Well, I'm not let gonna sit in here.
    Josh: Me neither.
    [Drake and Trevor are both sitting inside the dune buggy]
    Drake: [Trevor sits on top of him] Trevor?
    Trevor: Yeah?
    Drake: Maybe you wanna sit in the passenger seat.
    Trevor: I dunno, you got a comfy lap.
    Drake: Move!
    Trevor: [gets off Drake] Hey, the motor sounds great.
    Drake: Yeah, You know where it would sound even better?
    Trevor: In the shower.
    Drake: On the road!
    Trevor: Better!
    Drake: Ok, but you can't tell Josh and my parents we took it out cause they'll freak.
    Trevor: I won't say a word. Now, let's hit it.
    [they drive out of the garage and scream]
    Drake: Squirrel! Tree! [crashes and ends up getting injured offscreen]
    Josh: You, uh, wanted to chat?
    Drake: Why did you make him attack me?
    Josh: 'Cause it's about time you stopped getting away with everything!
    Drake: What's that supposed to-
    Josh: [angrily] You threw the pillows! You talked me into lying about the TV! You got me grounded! And you took our dune buggy out when you weren't supposed to, AND YOU WRECKED IT!!!!
    Drake: What-what-what're you talking about?
    Josh: I got a call from the emergency room! You left your wallet there.
    Drake: [looks awkwardly] Oh.
    Josh: Yeah. And I saw the buggy.
    Drake: Do mom and dad know?
    Josh: They're gonna!
    Drake: Don't you do that to me.
    Josh: Fine! You tell them.
    Drake: Are you crazy?
    Josh: No, I'm honest.
    Drake: What?
    Josh: I'm grounded for 2 weeks.
    Drake: Josh, you know what-?
    Josh: We spent like 100 hours on that dune buggy trying to fix it up, and you ruined it. And you're hurt! But all you can think about is, getting away with it. [mockingly] "Ooh, I'm Drake! I'm so cool, I get away with everything!" Fine. I'll just stay grounded and I'll fix the dune buggy, again, and you just keep worrying about yourself. [beat] It's what you're best at.
    Drake: Oh, yeah?! Well, you're not so-! Ow.
    Audrey: Josh, hey what's going on with Drake?
    Walter: Yeah, he's been acting pretty weird.
    Audrey: Is he okay?
    Josh: Um... yeah. He's fine. He's just a little...
    Drake: [comes from the hall] No, he's not okay. I'm kind of banged up.
    Audrey: [scoldingly to Walter] You hurt him wrestling!
    Walter: I did?
    Drake: It-it wasn't the wrestling. It was a car accident.
    Audrey: [concerned] Car accident?
    Josh: [to Megan, eagerly] He's gonna get it now.
    Drake: Actually, it was a... a dune buggy accident.
    Walter: Are you okay?
    Drake: Well, the doctor sai...
    Audrey: [interrupting] Wait-wait-wait! What doctor?
    Drake: I kinda went to the emergency room and got X-rayed and stuff.
    Josh: [more eager than before] Here it comes.
    Audrey: [pitifully] My poor baby!
    Josh: [deadpan] Huh?
    Audrey: Just look at you. You can barely stand. [she grabs a chair, Walter helps Drake sit down]
    Drake: [wincing] Ah! Ah! Ah! Easy! Easy! Ah! Easy! Everything hurts. You guys, I'm-I'm really sorry I disobeyed you. I shouldn't have.
    Josh: [to Megan] NOW he's gonna get it.
    Audrey: [rounding on Josh] Josh. Did you know about this?
    Josh: Well-yeah-yeah I knew...
    Audrey: You still made your father wrestle him?
    Walter: When you knew Drake was hurt?
    Josh: Wait secon-
    Drake: Guys, guys. Go easy on him. He's a good kid. And about the TV getting broken, that was really kinda my fault. And I talked Josh into lying about it.
    Audrey: We'll discuss this later.
    Walter: What else did the doctor say?
    Drake: That I should stay in bed and rest for a couple of weeks.
    Audrey: Well, that's gonna be easy, 'cause you're GROUNDED.
    Josh: [satisfied] FINALLY! [sings] Oh yeah! You're grounded. You're grounded. What are you doin' tomorrow? You're grounded.
    [at the end, Drake ends up being grounded for 2 weeks, much to Josh's delight]
    Josh: Pizza's here.
    Drake: Thanks. [he takes it and opens it up while Josh smiles] What are you smiling about?
    Josh: The great Drake, grounded for 2 weeks. I love it!
    Drake: Yeah, me, too.
    Josh: Heh?
    Drake: 2 weeks, laying in bed, no school, playing a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizzas. Yeah, being grounded is ba-a-ad.
    Josh: I- I don't understand-!
    Drake: Hold that thought. [through his walkie-talkie] Hey, Dad, could you bring me a root beer, a couple magazines, and, in about 20 minutes maybe some ice cream?
    Walter: [through his walkie-talkie] Yeah. I'll get Josh right on it. Jo-osh!
    Josh: [realizes Drake can still get lucky even when grounded] Aw, come on!

### Believe Me, Brother

    Josh: I'm sure it was unintentional.
    Susan: Josh, it's not unintentional at all.
    Josh: I knew it! [Susan grabs his face and kisses him; Drake walks in the house]
    Drake: Susan?
    Susan: Ew! Josh, what are you trying to do? I'm Drake's girlfriend! Oh, Drake, you're here.
    Josh: Drake, it's not what you think. Just 1 second. [turns around] Oh, dear Lord, thank you so much for my very first kiss! Amen! Drake, I swear. It's not what you think.
    [after Susan dumps both of them]
    Josh: I think we handled that very maturely.
    Drake: Yes, that felt good.
    [Susan gets shot with a paint cannon on her from her locker]
    Susan: Ugh!
    Drake: That felt better.
    Josh: Yeah, it did.

### Two Idiots and a Baby

    [Josh is sanding his Catapult while Drake is trying to work on a song]
    Drake: Josh! I'm working on a song here. Do you have to make all that noise? [he unplugs the Sander] Dude, I can't concentrate.
    Josh: [shouting] I can't hear you! I'm wearing earplugs!
    Drake: Oh. [Drake rips the earplugs from Josh's ears, and Josh screams in pain] Dude, can't you build your mechanic dork machine somewhere else?
    Josh: It's not a dork machine. It's a one of a kind scaled working replica of a Medieval Catapult.
    Drake: So?
    Josh: So, when I'm done, this baby's gonna be able to fling stuff over 50 feet through the air. [he launches the Catapult]
    Drake: Impressive. Oh, hey, hey. Why don't you climb in and fling yourself out of my room?
    Josh: This is my room.
    Drake: It was my room first.
    Josh: Alright, let's compromise. We could- [Drake strums his guitar a first time] I was going to say- [Drake strums a second time] But I just wanted- [Drake strums a third time] Headaches!
    [Drake comes home from his concert and finds Josh hanging from the gutter]
    Drake: So, just hanging there?
    Josh: Drake, you came back.
    Drake: Uh, yeah, my gig got cancelled. Can you tell me what you're doing up there?
    Josh: It's a long, sad story. Could you put the ladder back up?
    Drake: Okay. [starts to get the ladder] Hey, where's the baby?
    Josh: Um, possibly... on the roof.
    Drake: You put the baby on the roof?!
    Josh: No. It's conceivable though that he was flung there, via catapult. Oh, Drake, I ruined everything. The baby's missing, the house is destroyed, and my dad's gonna get fired.
    Drake: Hey, where's Megan?
    Josh: I don't know. I haven't-I haven't seen her since the baby disappeared.
    Drake: Uh-huh. I think I might know where the baby is. [leaves to go get help from Megan]
    Josh: Okay, I'm coming down. [the ladder falls down again] Aw, come on!
    [Drake comes into the garage and finds Megan looking through a storage box of toys]
    Drake: Alright. Where is he?
    Megan: I think he's dangling from the gutter.
    Drake: Not Josh. The baby.
    Megan: What makes you think that I would have the baby?
    Drake: Because you're a devious, twisted little girl.
    Megan: [laughs] Why thank you, Drake.
    Drake: [picks Megan up by her shirt] Where is the baby?

### First Crush

    Drake and Josh: And the most important thing is to be yourself.
    Drake: ...Unless you're Josh.
    Drake: Do you want to be honest, or do you want a girlfriend?
    Josh: Girlfriend, please.

### Grammy

    Scotty: Can you believe it? We made it backstage.
    Rina: This is not backstage!
    Paul: This is practically jail.
    Drake: Those guys are cops.
    Rina: Yes. Scary cops who are going to arrest us for having fake tickets, Scotty.
    Scotty: Guys, the tickets are not fake.
    Drake: Are you sure?
    Scotty: I photocopied them myself. [everyone looks upset] What?
    Drake: You can't photocopy tickets.
    Scotty: Yes, you can! You just put them on the glass, close the liddy thingy and press copy. Any moron could do it.
    Drake: No, not just any moron. It takes a special moron, like you!
    Josh: Why are you so mean to Drake?
    Grammy: Because I know his type. I dated 12 musicians like him before I dated your gramps.
    Josh: I don't think I want to know about you dating a dozen musical men.
    Grammy: Then I won't tell you what happened last Saturday night.
    Josh: [jokingly] Uh-oh, am I going to see you on a commercial for "Grammys Gone Wild?"