# Family Guy/Season 5

Family Guy – Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.
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### Stewie Loves Lois

    Lois: Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?
    Peter: [slowly] I was raped.
    Lois [chuckles] What?
    Peter: Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
    Lois: [chuckles harder] W...What? [Peter whispers in her ear; annoyed] Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.
    Peter: You sound just like him! [runs off, sobbing]
    Lois: Fuckin' idiot.
    [At the Drunken Clams tavern]
    Cleveland: Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself.
    Peter: Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday, and...he did things to my fanny! [accidentally knocks over his beer mug; crying]
    Cleveland: [solemnly] Peter, it's okay.
    Peter: It's not okay! You don't know what it's like!
    Cleveland: You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts!.
    Peter: [stops crying; shocked] He...He did it to you, too?
    Quagmire: I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig...for his sexual experimentation!
    Joe: You guys are a bunch of queers. [leaves, then comes back crying] And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but DAMN IT, THEY DON'T MAKE WATER HOT ENOUGH!
    Peter: My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well, gentleman, the abuse stops here. I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No if's, and's, or but's. I'm gonna be really anal about this. Sphincter.

### Mother Tucker

    [at dinner] Peter: I want some ice cream. Tom: No, Peter. You finish your food. [Peter takes his chair to the fridge, much to Tom's dismay] Tom: You-- Hey. You get back here right now, mister. [Peter stands on the chair and reaches for the freezer] Tom: No. Don't you-- Get down from that chair, or you're in big trouble. [Peter opens the freezer and extracts a carton of ice cream] Tom: You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. [Peter closes the freezer, comes back down with the ice cream, and takes his seat] Tom: I'm not kidding around. I'm not gonna say it again. [Peter removes the lid from the carton and is about to eat one scoop] Tom: If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. [Peter slowly takes a bite of the ice cream, then Tom zips toward him and slaps him on the behind repeatedly; Peter wails in agony] Peter: I hate you! I hate you! I want my mommy! Tom: [drags him out of the kitchen] Well, I'm the best you've got!
    Peter: This is boring, I'd rather be at home, watching that video from The Ring.
    [Cutaway to Peter preparing to watch the movie with a videotape.]
    Rachel Keller: Peter, don't. They say if you watch that video, you die.
    Peter: Ah, that's a lot of baloney.
    [Puts the videotape into the VCR. It turns out to be the Mannequin movie As it shows the scene while playing the "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" music. Peter is now lying on the ground dead with a mouth hanging open.]

### Hell Comes to Quahog

    Horace: Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink.
    Joe: No!
    Quagmire: Oh, we're just getting started!
    Cleveland: Meg is my least favorite of all your children.
    Peter: It's alright. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? [nobody answers] Uh, okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home. Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that! You take a bus.
    Cleveland: I'm that kind of drunk.
    Peter: [throws Cleveland the car keys] Shotgun!
    Lois: So, how was work today, Meg?
    [Peter raspberries]
    Lois: Oh. Peter, you lost your job because of the Super Store. You shouldn't blame Meg.
    [Peter raspberries again]
    Lois: And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says, Meg.
    [Peter raspberries yet again]
    Brian: So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?
    [Peter raspberries again]
    Chris: [laughs] Meg!
    [Peter raspberries again]
    Chris: MEG!
    [Peter raspberries even louder]
    Chris: Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!
    [Peter raspberries 7 times]
    Chris: [quietly] Meg...
    [Peter raspberries quietly]
    Meg: I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family who has a job!
    [Peter whispers into Brian's ear]
    Brian: Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.
    Meg: What did he just say to you?
    Brian: Nothing. There was-- It's like if you-- Forget it. It's nothing, Meg.
    [Peter raspberries again]

### Saving Private Brian

    [deleted scene on DVD; Chris marches up to Quagmire, who is watering the lawn.]
    Quagmire: Hey, Chris, what's going on?
    Chris: Give me your car keys.
    Quagmire: Huh? What for?
    Chris: [furiously] I said GIVE ME YOUR CAR KEYS!! [starts yelling while beating Quagmire up with headbutting, kicking and punching, then knocks him to the ground and pounds him.] It didn't have to be this way, Glenn! [takes Quagmire's car keys] You should've given me your keys.
    [Chris gets in Quagmire's car and drives off, Peter enters.]
    Peter: Quagmire, what the hell happened to you?
    Quagmire: Your damn kid just totally kicked my ass!
    Peter: Meg did this?
    Quagmire: No, your dummy, Chris! He came over here, beat the crap outta me and took my car!
    Peter: Well, Chris is gonna get it, as soon as I get my hands on him.

### Whistle While Your Wife Works

    [Peter lights a bunch of firecrackers and holds it in one hand, showing it to Quagmire]
    Peter: Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Bustin'-Mega-Ultra-Super-" [the firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground; screams; holds up his fingerless hand to everyone] HOLY CRAP! [he, the rest of the Griffins (barring Stewie), and Quagmire all scream in shock]
    Lois: OH, MY GOD! YOU BLEW OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS!
    Joe: [enters] What happened? [sees Peter's hand; shocked] OH, MY GOD!
    Stewie: You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sorta outta juice over here. [taps his empty cup] Bone dry.
    Chris: [finds one of the missing fingers on one of the wheels of Joe's wheelchair] There's one of Dad's fingers!
    Meg: We have to hurry! I learned in biology, if you get 'em back soon enough, they can be reattached!
    Cleveland: [enters with another of Peter's fingers in his hair] What's all the commotion?
    Stewie: Now, why would you be embarrassed about dating her?
    Jillian: Oh, my God, Brian! I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him!
    Stewie: [to Brian] Is she retarded?
    Brian: Can you please leave now?!
    Stewie: Oh, now I get it! She's a moron! But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts.
    Brian: Shut up! That's not it at all!

### Prick Up Your Ears

    Peter: [reading Meg's sex pamphlet] "If you have sex, your penis will fall off, and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs who will eat it". Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything! From now on, I too will be obstinate!
    Meg: Abstinent.
    Peter: Absent.
    Meg: Abstinent.
    Peter: You're grounded.
    [black screen; while Peter is sleeping with Lois]
    Lois: I'm wide awake, Peter. You wanna mess around?
    Peter: Lois, you know I'm abstinent.
    Lois: Come on. Can't you break your stupid pledge for one night?
    Peter: Well, I guess we do both have needs. [makes weird sounds in Lois' ear]
    Lois: Peter. [chuckles, then becomes angry] Wh-What are you doing? What? Peter, what are you doing to my ear?! Get off of me! [pushes a naked Peter off the bed and turns the lamp on] What the hell is wrong with you?!
    Peter: This is all I can do, Lois. I'm abstinent.
    Lois: That is it. I am going to have regular sex with you whether you like it or not.
    Peter: No!
    Lois: I wasn't asking your permission.
    [They start a fight, Peter smashes the lamp which cause a blackout in the bedroom and Lois jumps onto him.]
    Peter: [while being raped] No, no, no! I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord! No! NOOOO!! [cries] No! Ahhhhhhhhhh... Oh, I see what you're driving at.

### Chick Cancer

    [Brian and Stewie are sitting on the couch in the living room]
    Brian: Hey, where’s Olivia?
    Stewie: Oh, she’s probably up at the house. Brian: Stewie.. Stewie: Yeah? Brian: It’s not your fault. Stewie: What? Brian: It’s not your fault. Stewie: I know. Brian: It’s not your fault. Stewie: I know.. [squints his eyes, confused with what Brian is trying to tell him] Brian: No, Stewie, Stewie. It’s not your fault. [They get off the couch and face each other] Stewie: Don’t do this to me, man! Not you, man! Brian: It’s not your fault. Stewie: [on the verge of tears] Screw you! Cut it out, man! Brian: It’s not your fault. Stewie: [starts crying and Brian hugs him] Why is it so hard? I didn’t know it was gonna be so hard!
    [They let go]
    Brian: Look, Stewie, you stood up before God and all your toys and you took an oath to stick it out when things got tough. You want her to see you as an adult? Well, this is adulthood. (Stewie stops crying and dries his tears)
    Stewie: You’re right, Brian. I can’t hide from this relationship. It’s my responsibility to deal with it. I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now?
    Brian: Well, you’d be a black man.
    Stewie: [shocked] Wow! Wow! Whoa! What was that!?
    Brian: Ah! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! That was my father talking!
    Stewie: You, um.. You gotta work on that, man. Bad dog. [leaves]
    Brian: So what happened?
    Stewie: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being an adult sucks. Women are a royal pain in the ass. It's like you can't just hang out with men, you know? Just live with someone of your sex, just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know?
    Brian: They do, it's called being gay.
    Stewie: Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could get into that.

### Barely Legal

    Meg: Dad, bring that giraffe back!
    Joe: Alright, let's go, Alison Janney. Alison Janney?
    [the giraffe's head is seen peeking into Quagmire's house]
    Quagmire: [from inside the house] Good morning, honey. Oh, yeah, that feels so good. Wait, HEY, HEY, HEY! What the hell?! You're not the same giraffe from last night! Get out of here!
    [the giraffe runs backward, kicking its hind feet into Cleveland's house. Cleveland is, once again, taking a bath]
    Cleveland: What the hell?! No, no, no, no, no, NO! [Cleveland and his bathtub fall to the ground] I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans...
    Brian: Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday so I'll explain it again, and here to assist me is the headmaster for the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris. Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
    Morris: WE'RE NOT BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND!
    Brian: I will never be attracted to you.
    Morris: I WILL NEVER BE ATTRACTED TO YOU!
    Brian: You're acting like a psycho bitch.
    Morris: YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A PSYCHO BITCH!
    Brian: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
    Morris: GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW!
    [Brian walks out the door, Morris disappears]
    Meg: [sternly] I won't be ignored, Brian.
    [Morris reappears]
    Morris: Mmm, I like your ass.

### Road to Rupert

    Brian: How are we gonna get out of here?
    Stewie: You still got the starting gun?
    Brian: Yeah.
    Stewie: Give it to me. [Brian hands Stewie his starting gun. Scene changes to the green car stopping at the traffic light. He pops up with starting gun aimed at the driver.] GET OUT OF THE F**ING CAR!! GET OUT OF THE F**ING CAR, RIGHT NOW, MAN!! [smashes the driver-side door window] GET OUT OF THE F**ING CAR!! DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!! GET OUT OF THE F**ING CAR!!
    [The driver screams in terror, Brian pulls the driver out of the car, then he and Stewie gets in to drive away back to Quahog.]
    Brian: Did we just carjack someone?
    Stewie: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

### Peter's Two Dads

    [Stewie opens Meg's birthday presents]
    Stewie: Let's see what else we've got here. The first season of "Sister, Sister" on DVD?
    Cleveland: You're welcome.
    Lois: Stewie, what are you doing?! You can't open Meg's gifts!
    Stewie: These are mine, you hear me? MINE!
    Lois: Oh God, not the "mine" phase. I've been dreading this day.
    Stewie: I'm entitled to these things, Lois. Especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall.
    [cutaway]
    Asian Santa: What you want? What you want for Christmas?
    Stewie: Um... I was thinking one of those old time-y...
    Asian Santa: Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas! [he throws Stewie off his lap and an Asian kid is put on it] What you want?
    Asian Kid: Fire truck!
    Asian Santa: What color?
    Asian Kid: Red!
    Asian Santa: Next!
    Asian Kid: [As he is thrown off Santa] AHHH!
    Peter: [realizing] Oh my god. Lois, You're right. Booze made me fall down all those stairs. Booze killed my father. Well, from this day forward, I, Peter Griffin, will never drink again!
    [Cut to Peter Griffin sitting on a couch and lightning the bong to do crack.]
    Brian: [Entering the living room] Peter, what are you doing?
    Peter: Crack.
    Brian: [furious] What the fuck!?
    Peter: Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.
    Brian: Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack?
    Peter: From Black's.
    Brian: What?
    Peter: Yeah, right behind Black's Hardware store. There's a white guy selling it.
    Brian: Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking. You need to get to the heart of why you drink in the first place. Look - here, [Hands Peter a paper] this is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see.
    Peter: [Hesitates] Alright, Brian...
    Brian: Good.
    [As soon Brian walks away, Peter Griffin resumes doing crack. Cut to Brian re-entering the living room later.]
    Brian: Hey Peter, just thought I'd checked on you- [sees a stoned shirtless Peter now clutching to the couch cushion.] Oh my God!
    Peter: GOV'MENT CAME AND TOOK MAH BAAAAABY!

### The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou

    Peter: Hey there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father.
    Kyle: [mocking Peter] "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father!"
    Peter: Now, that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all. You're makin' me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I just wanted to let you know what you did the other day was wrong.
    Kyle: "What you did the other day was wrong!"
    Peter: You're not makin' this easy, Kyle.
    Kyle: "You're not makin' this easy, Kyle. My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face."
    Peter: Shut up, Kyle.
    Kyle: "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat numbnuts."
    Peter: Kyle, I said shut up.
    Kyle: You're a poop-nose.
    [Peter loses his temper and beats up Kyle]
    [Brian teaches Stewie ballroom dancing. Stewie is wearing a dress, lipstick, and earrings]
    Stewie: [whispers] I love you.
    Brian: What? What'd you say?
    Stewie: Uh, olive juice.
    Brian: Olive juice?
    Stewie: [whispers] Olive juice you too...

### Airport '07

    TV: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos, edited for rednecks.
    Sagan: I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four-
    Redneck: Hundreds and hundreds of years old.
    Sagan: Scientists have determined that the universe was created by a-
    Redneck: Goooooooooood.
    Sagan: -ig Bang. If you look at the bones of a-
    Redneck: Jesus-
    Sagan: -annosaurus rex, it's clear by the use of carbon dating that-
    Redneck: Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.
    West: "You know," said my pet goat, "I'm sure if I watched Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it, but I just don't have the time." [one of his agents walks in and whispers in his ear. Camera zooms in to him, he looks around and continues reading] "You should make the time," said the farmer.

### Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

    [Brian and Stewie are at the toilet]
    Brian: How do you think it works?
    Stewie: I have no idea.
    Brian: Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.
    Stewie: All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out.
    Brian: What's that big back part?
    Stewie: Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.
    Brian: I wonder what this thing is for.
    Stewie: Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.
    Brian: [sighs] All right, here goes.
    Stewie: Oh, God, oh, God. Careful, careful, careful, careful...
    [the toilet flushes, frightening Stewie and Brian, who run out of the room]

### No Meals on Wheels

    Announcer: We now return to America's Next Top Model.
    [in said show, a model stands before Tyra Banks]
    Model: I just don't think you're being fair, Tyra. You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up.
    Banks: You know what? How dare you! You don't know me! You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, [furiously screaming at the top of her lungs] HOW LONG I'VE BEEN THERE, WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET FROM WHERE I WAS, TO WHERE I AM NOOOW!
    [a giant iguana pops out of her mouth, swallows the model, and swiftly crawls away]

### Boys Do Cry

    [the horse barges in and stops the execution of Peter]
    Peter: Horsey! You saved my life!
    Horsey: [in Gilbert Gottfried's voice] No problem, Peter! Glad to help out.
    Peter: Wow! Gilbert Gottfried!
    Horsey: That's right!
    Peter: Awesome!

### No Chris Left Behind

    Peter: Wai-wai-wai-wait, hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about?
    Giant Chicken: You know, I've completely forgotten.
    Peter: Me too.
    Giant Chicken: Something about a coupon...
    Peter: I cannot, for the life of me, remember...
    Giant Chicken: Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. I hope I didn't hurt you.
    Peter: No, no, no. I'm alright.
    Giant Chicken: But listen, you know what? Let me make it up to you. Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner?
    Peter: Well, that sounds lovely.

### It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One

    Lois: Hey, you guys.
    Chris: Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.
    Lois: What?
    Chris: What?

### Meet the Quagmires

    [The opening to The Jetsons is shown, however when Jane takes George's wallet, he stops her from leaving the flying car]
    George Jetson: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no! I took this one out for you! You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet just so you can go shopping!
    Jane Jetson: I was just going to buy some groceries.
    George Jetson: Bullshit!
    [Peter is playing Menstrual Ms. Pac-Man]
    Ms. Pac-Man: WHAT!? WHAT!?
    Blinky: Geez!
    Clyde: Nothing!
    Pinky: Bitch!

## External links

* Family Guy quotes at the Internet Movie Database
* FamilyGuy.com
* Family Guy Quotes