# Shrek the Third (video game)

Shrek the Third is an action-adventure video game based on the 2007 DreamWorks Animation animated film of the same name, developed by 7 Studios, Gameloft, Amaze Entertainment and Vicarious Visions. The game was published by Activision on May 15, 2007, for the Xbox 360, PlayStation 2, Wii, Windows, Nintendo DS, and Game Boy Advance.
The soundtrack was composed by Winifred Phillips and produced by Winnie Waldron, with additional music by Geoff Zanelli. It was the last DreamWorks Animation game released for Game Boy Advance.

## Dialogue

* Donkey: Shrek, Shrek, did we miss the beginning?
* Shrek: No.
* Donkey: No, I can't miss the beginning of the show.
* Shrek: Donkey.
* Donkey: Some people think it's alright. Really short like 10-15 minutes late all the time.
* Shrek: Donkey.
* Donkey: Not me. Uh, uh. I got to see it all. Even a preview. Especially to preview.
* Shrek: Donkey! Look, it hadn't even started yet. Just sit down.
* Donkey: Yeah, okay then.
* Shrek: Donkey, you're sitting on my lap.
* Donkey: Oh, sorry, Shrek.
* The Narrator: Our tale begins with an ending. Summoning the last of his strength, the dying King Harold lovingly named Shrek as the heir to the throne of Far, Far Away.
* King Harold: You are the next heir to the throne.
* The Narrator: But the worried Shrek, thinking of the duties, the fame and the discomforts that came with the throne, beseeched the King to pass the crown to someone more worthy.
* Shrek: Come on. Anybody think?
* The Narrator: With his dying breath, the Frog King then bestowed Shrek. A glimmer of hope.
* King Harold: There is another.
* The Narrator: But, Shrek, Donkey and Puss in Boots would need to set sail to find Fiona's long-lost cousin, Arthur, and place him upon the throne. Fearless leader Shrek raced towards the pirate infested docks to begin his quest. Uh, for at least he would have if he didn't have an important royal duty to perform first.
* Donkey: Aww, c'mon out, Shrek. It can't be that bad! Ooooo... It's not SO bad, Shrek. It's, ah, slenderizing! You look like a royal... something.
* Shrek: Alright, that's enough! I'm not wearing this!
* Attendant #1: My lord Prince, it is time for the royal buffet!
* Shrek: I'm not going!
* Attendant #1: I'm afraid, my lord, that you have no choice in this matter. Royal attendants -- attack formation scepter twelve bravo!
* Donkey: Get 'em Shrek! It's ogre time! That's fairy dust, Shrek! Grab it! Block their attacks, Shrek! Nice one, Shrek! Smash the ice sculpture, Shrek! That'll make them mad! You know they spent days on that!
* Chef: Oh no! Not the ice sculpture!
* Donkey: Ooh! A souvenir mug. You're definitely gonna want that. Gotta bring home gifts for the wives, you know! Ooh, ooh! I know! Smash the tables, Shrek! Now wasn't that satisfying? Pull that lever, Shrek? Oops! He he... didn't know the lever would do that. Grab those coins. Ooh, they're shiny! I can't wait to visit the gift shop!
* Chef: Sir! Please behave! Ooh! Ow!
* Donkey: I've got a great idea, Shrek! Man, Shrek! It's one of them pester fairies! Grab it before it drives me crazy!
* Attendant #2: More powder! More paint!
* Attendant #3: Adjust your wig sir?
* Donkey: Man, Shrek, you were amazing! I just love a royal rumble!
* Shrek: Uh, I think Fiona's going to be angry!
* Donkey: Oh definitely! And don't forget about her mom, she'll be really angry! And the princesses, they get mad just getting dressed in the morning, don't ask me how I know that.
* Shrek: Donkey...
* Donkey: Course, there's Raoul, you KNOW he's gonna get all snippy about what you did to that wig.
* Shrek: Don't they know I've got a boat to catch? Our of our way, let's go.
* Puss in Boots: I am looking forward to this voyage, boss, but I am concerned that there appears to be an, how shall I say, an unfriendly presence in our way. I will scout ahead and secure your passage. You enjoy yourself.
* Peasant #1: An ogre! Pelt him!
* Shrek: Well, well, well. So much for scouting around. You're, like, 20 feet where you started. Out of the way, let's go.
* Puss in Boots: You are... how shall I put this? Too rotund to fit into this itty bitty doorway. Allow me. My, my. this is a nice catwalk. Don't mind me. Coming through.
* Pirate #1: Is that a cat up there?
* Pirate #2: Why is he wearing boots?
* Pirate #1: He's kicking our behinds and you're worried about boots?
* Pirate #2: Have at it mates, we're getting licked!
* Pirate: The gate's been breached! The gate's been breached!
* Pirate #3: You mean he FOUND the switch?!
* Pirate: All men prepare to attack the ogre!!!
* Pirate #3: Did he say... ogre?
* Pirate: Run!
* Guy: The pirates locked us in here! Help!
* Guy 2: An ogre?! Eeeagh!
* Shrek: Oh, surprise, surprise. Pirates and bandits at the docks. What will they think of next? Don't they know I've got a boat to catch?
* Pirate: Halt! Stop right where you ARRRrrrrr! Arr ...It took me all day to stack those up.
* (Donkey arrives)
* Donkey: Look, Shrek! Our crew's all ready to go. I'm gonna get me a deck chair and one of those drinks with the little umbrellas in it!
* Shrek: We don't have a crew, Donkey! They're trying to steal our boat!
* Donkey: What?! Oh, they can kiss me...
* Pirate: The ogre's coming boys! Batten down the hatches and prepare for a boarding!
* Pirate #3: An ogre! Man the bilges and prepare for me escape!
* (Puss in Boots arrives)
* Puss in Boots: Behold! The mighty valor of Puss-In-Boots! To interrupt a cat's dinner is to invite disaster! En Garde!
* Puss in Boots: Look! These dastardly pirates have stolen our sail!
* Pirate: Cat in the cargo hold!
* Puss in Boots: A magnificent fish! I am in heaven!
* Pirate #2: Who had the bright idea to hide in here?!
* Pirate #3: Ouch! Quit it!
* Puss in Boots: Andale! Andale! Fight me like a man... or whatever. You can tell them you lost to the best!
* (Shrek arrives)
* Shrek: Uh, we'll be taking our sail back now.
* Pirate #3: Silver and avast! You'll never take me the ship!
* Puss in Boots: What is he talking about?
* Shrek: I have no idea.
* Puss in Boots: You want to take him or should I?
* Pirate #3: Arrr and avast! I surrender!
* Shrek: That's a good boy.
* Pirate #3: Take your sail ogre, but cursed be ye who takes the likes of such finery! May an ill wind fill your sail!
* Puss in Boots: I still don't know what he's talking about.
* Shrek: We've got things to do, Puss. Let's go.
* (Shrek and Puss in Boots run away)
* Fiona: I'll miss you, Shrek.
* Shrek: Oh, I'll be back in no time.
* Fiona: There's something I need to tell you.
* Shrek: Well, can it wait til I get back?
* Fiona: No. I'm--!
* Shrek: What was that? Uh-huh. One more time...?
* Fiona: Shrek, I...
* Shrek: What?
* Donkey: Oh, dontcha get it Shrek? You're gonna be a daddy!
* Puss in Boots: Santa Maria!
* The Narrator: When Shrek off on his quest, Charming craftly hatch fairest plan for revenge against Shrek, Princess Fiona and a certain bar lady who are in a mess in a chalk. Determined to seize the throne, Charming called together the rouges of the kingdom and promise them everything they had ever desired.
* Prince Charming: Huzzah. Or, um, happily ever afters we so richly deserved. At last.
* The Narrator: Charming then dispatched the Evil Queen, Captain Hook and Stromboli and all their minions. To take over kingdom, Far Far Away.
* Prince Charming: It's show time! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
* Puss in Boots: These ruins mark the edge of Worcestershire. Here, my friend, we are in dangerous, unexplored territory!
* Shrek: Aye. I reckon the angry mob is here to tell us where to go.
* Puss in Boots: I shall be delighted to teach them some respect -- one way or another! Stop, peasants! This is no ordinary ogre -- bow to Shrek!
* Shrek: They can bow to Arthur later. Let's go!
* Puss in Boots: I will take my leave, boss, and meet you at Arthur's academy.
* Shrek: And I suppose you've got something better to do?
* Puss in Boots: Er... I have a lady friend nearby.
* (Donkey arrives)
* Donkey: Whew! I almost didn't make it!
* Shrek: You missed the gracious welcoming committee.
* Donkey: Hey Shrek. I got a question.
* Shrek: Yes, Donkey?
* Donkey: Do you think this Arthur guy likes donkeys?
* Shrek: I can't imagine he would.
* Donkey: Yeah, that's what I thought... hey, wait a minute! Very funny, Shrek! Hey, you don't need any help, do you?
* Guy: He's here! He's here! Run away-y-y-y!
* Jock #1: Dude... she was SO mad at me! Just because I helped Cindy with her alchemy homework!
* Donkey: Man, Shrek! You smell that?
* Shrek: Quiet, Donkey!
* Donkey: What do you suppose lives here?
* Jock Captain: From hot to not. She's SUCH a princess, dude. Why do they always have to be mad about something?
* Donkey: Smells like that weed rat nest you had in your swamp last year. Woo!
* Shrek: It's not weed rats, Donkey. They're jocks. Now be quiet!
* Jock Captain: A talking donkey?! Those geeks at the wizard club just never learn, do they? Hit 'em hard, guys!
* Jock: Body check!
* Jock #2: You're uglier than your pet donkey!
* Jock #3: You don't mess with the best, dude!
* Jock Captain: Whooooo! Class of 1462!
* Geek: Man, it's cramped in here!
* Witch #1: (Laughs) Well, well, well, if it isn't Shrek.
* Shrek: And you are...?
* Witch #1: A friend of a friend! HA haha ha hah!
* Witch #2: Fly home, my love! Tell the Evil Queen we've found the ogre!
* Shrek: I wonder what that was all about. Nice of you to run away when the evil witches attacked!
* Donkey: Are you kidding? I run away when those jocks got angry! Hey, by the way, I'm starving. Do you think there's any food around here? I'm so hungry even hay's sounding good.
* Shrek: Oh, well, if you're not picky, I'll just clap my hands and hay will fall from the sky! Now quit whining, Donkey, and let's find Arthur.
* Donkey: Coming through, watch out!
* Jock: Look! A rabid donkey! Head's up!
* Donkey; Now what is THAT?
* Guy: This here is the finest ride in all of Worcestershire!
* Donkey: That is so five years ago! Is that hay? I'm starvin' here! It hit me! Hay just fell from the sky and hit me! Oh, my eye's twitching again.
* Guy: Yee-haw! Come on, Donkey! Come on! Stupid donkey, you crashed our ride!
* Donkey: Man, high school kids are mean!
* Shrek: Well, well, well. Nice of you to join me.
* Shrek: I think we're here.
* Donkey: This is the school? Why does it look like a hedge maze?
* Shrek: Probably to keep out talking donkeys.
* Donkey: Yeah, well, maybe I'll just wait outside. Have fun.
* (Donkey runs away)
* Geek: Look! An ogre! How many Power Ups is that?
* Shrek: Hey! Get back here with that key!
* Geek: Eeeaahh!
* Shrek: Sigh... I'm going to need that key from that nerd.
* Jock: Wait! You're not Guinevere! Aaaaaagh!
* Shrek: [repeat line] Get back here with that key! [To Geek] Now you're getting on my nerves.
* Geek: You're not high enough level to exit this maze!
* Shrek: Shut up!
* Geek: I resist. Eeeaahh! Save versus unconscious! Ooh... bummer!
(Puss in Boots arrives)
* Shrek: Doesn't anybody ever leave a gate open?
* Puss in Boots: Have no fear, boss. I shall scale the impenetrable fortress and clear the path.
* Shrek: Okay...
* Puss in Boots: The Puss in Boots fears nothing!
* Shrek: Here comes the drawbridge... and you must be the welcoming committee. Hey, kid. Which one is Artie?
* Artie: Um, that tall one over there. But he prefers to go by his nickname Peaches.
* Shrek: Okay...
* Jock: Heh... wait 'til Artie sees what we're going to do to his horse. Witches! If you've come to play, you're gonna pay.
* Jock: Oh! You made a funny. Now go play your silly game.
* Jock: Nerd!
* Shrek: Boy, do I have a surprise for you! What's this?
* Witch: You'll never get the sword, Shrek!
* Shrek: (Groans) You can have the sword, I just want the kid.
* Witch: Too bad! You're not getting either! Get him, girls!
* Donkey: Hey Shrek! Head's up!
* Donkey: Throw the soccer ball at the witch, Shrek!
* Shrek: All right, Peaches. You're coming with me.
* Lancelot: What did you call me?
* Shrek: Peaches. Come on, we've got a ship to catch.
* Lancelot: You said it again!
* Shrek: And you'll have a whole kingdom calling you that, if we ever get there. Now move it, Peaches!
* Lancelot: Unhand me! You've insulted Lancelot's honor for the final time!
* Shrek: Lancelot? I thought you were Arthur.
* Lancelot: That's one insult too many! You should face me on the field of battle!
* The Narrator: As Shrek and the others are parked upon his royal quest, Fiona returns the castle. There, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella and Rapunzel did what all royal princesses do in times like this: sit tea.
* Fiona: Seriously, a tea party?
* Sleeping Beauty: It's what all royal princesses do in times like this.
* The Narrator: But Prince Charming and his goons have other plans in store for them.
* Prince Charming: Far Far Away is mine.
* The Narrator: Demanding the whereabouts of Shrek.
* Fiona: You'll never find him.
* The Narrator: He did the next best thing.
* Prince Charming: Question the puppet. Find the ogre.
* The Narrator: And toss the princesses into a dank cell.
* Cindrella: Gotta clean, gotta clean!
* The Narrator: With Shrek away, and Charming having seized the throne, the future of Far Far Away looked bleak indeed.
* Sleeping Beauty: Hello? Hello? I anyone out there?
* Fiona: (off-screen) Sleeping Beauty!
* Sleeping Beauty: Fiona! Where are you?
* Fiona: (off-screen) Locked up in a prison cell. Can you find me?
* Sleeping Beauty: I can't. I'm locked up too!
* Fiona: (off-screen) Charming is releasing all the prisoners -- except us! You have to get us out of here! Hurry!
* Prisoner: They're letting us go! How cool is THAT?
* Sleeping Beauty: Yeah. But they, ah, forgot me. Would you let me out? Please?
* Prisoner: Well, I'm not sure. I might get in trouble.
* Prisoner: How could I leave a pretty princess locked up? Of course I'll let you out! Gotta run! See ya!
* Sleeping Beauty: Why are you attacking me? I'm a prisoner too!
* Prisoner: We don't like royalty!
* Evil Knight: Prisoner escape! Prisoner escape! Hey you! Get back to your cell!
* Evil Knight #2: You're just wasting your time, you know. Oh please! No one has ever figured that combination out!
* Sleeping Beauty: Are they serving us porridge later?
* Prisoner: No, this sharpened spoon's for something else, missy.
* Fiona: (off-screen) You're getting closer! Follow my voice! Hurry!
* Sleeping Beauty: This door needs a key. I guess the guards gave up on switch puzzles.
* Cyclops: Princesses good on toast! I've got my eye on you!
* Knight: Hey fellows, I hear Prince charming's show is going to be fantabulous. And Rapunzel's the lead.
* Knight #2: Oh, she's such a babe!
* Knight: Yes, I know! She's way hotter than... hey! You!
* Sleeping Beauty: I can't believe you'd say that! Right in front of me!
* Knight #2: Good job, Barry -- now she's gonna cry.
* Barry: I'm sorry, I didn't know you were here.
* Sleeping Beauty: You are so mean!
* Barry; I wasn't even thinking of you! I was just thinking of, ummm...Cinderella!
* Sleeping Beauty: Too late, losers! And now it's lights out from Sleeping Beauty!
* Artie: It's simple. You defeat Lancelot, I get an 'A' in Siege Warfare, then I'll go with you back to Far Far Away.
* Shrek: Yeah, I'll get right on that, because I really care about your final exam.
* Artie: You wouldn't want to bring back somebody who failed Siege Warfare, would you?
* Shrek: Fine. What are the rules?
* Artie: Knock down his towers before time runs out.
* Shrek: There's the enemy castle. Let's smash it. Destroy enemy towers for victory. Fire! There, I won. Now let's go.
* Artie: But -- I still have to do my final exam.
* Shrek: Puss, get a big burlap bag for the kid.
* Artie: No, wait! I have to pass my final exam. Otherwise, I'll flunk out of school. I just have to go into the mountains and get a quest from the Lady of the Lake.
* Shrek: Oh, yeah, sure thing, that sounds easy! Puss, get that bag!
* Artie: You think your wife wants a high school dropout to be the new king? Is that what the people of Far Far Away deserve?
* Shrek: Alright, fine! We'll go with your stupid quest! Let's get it over with!
* The Narrator: The map to the final exam led our brave adventurous high to the icy mountains, as Arthur relentlessly pursued his quest.
* Artie: Are we there yet? I'm freezing.
* Shrek: This was your great idea. Keep climbing.
* The Narrator: They traveled through many perils that would have stop the faint of heart.
* Artie: You know, Shrek, if we just turn back right now, we'll be...
* Shrek: There's no turning back.
* The Narrator: Until at last they reached the highest peak and climbed fearlessly up to meet the mysterious Lady of the Lake.
* Artie: Um, not even a little turning back?
* Shrek: Are you we're going the right way?
* Artie: Of course I'm sure. I got an A in, uh, mapology. Look! A gnome! We'd better go around. I learned that they're vicious predators. Very territorial!
* Shrek: Oh, come on, these little guys? Please.
* Artie: Well, I'm not going up there. I'm staying right here until I know it's safe.
* Shrek: Hello, little guy! You seem friendly! Have you seen the Lady of the Lake?
* Artie: Nope, I'm not going anywhere.
* Shrek: These dwarves are starting to get on my gnomes... nerves! Ugh, whelps! I hate these pests!
* Gnome: Hide! Hide! Hide!
* Gnome #2: Big fight! Big fight!
* Gnome #3: Bad ogre! Bad ogre!
* Shrek: I'll have to jump to hit that white one!
* (Artie arrives)
* Artie: This is the way to the lake, but we'll need a key to open it. Quest keys are definitely part of my final exam.
* Knight: Give him some elbows! Okay forget the elbows, use your swords! Well, that was downright humiliating. When you want something done right, you got to do it yourself! Back me up, men! For real this time! No fooling around.
* Shrek: Let's see how that shield stands up to a ogre-sized punch. Hey! The fighting must have knocked this ice loose I bet I can use it for something.
* Artie: Let's see what's up here.
Let's go.
* Shrek: Well here's the lake. Now what?
* Artie: We have to make a sacrifice to the Lady of the Lake. Something valuable. I've heard gold or jewelry works.
* Shrek: Yeah? How about this? Hey Lady! Boy, does your lake look refreshing! Artie, get me a towel! I'm coming in to take a nice long bath!
* Lady of the Lake: Welcome, brave Arthur and Sir Shrek!
* Shrek: Smooth enough.
* Artie: This is so lame.
* Lady of the Lake: Deep in the mountains, I mean WAY deep in the mountains, you'll find an ancient well. Throw a coin in the well, and your quest is done.
* Artie: Um, okay... but, I'm kinda broke.
* Lady of the Lake: Doesn't your friend have money?
* Shrek: Money? Ah -- no. But I've got a weedrat on me somewhere...
* Lady of the Lake: Oh my gosh. This is so pathetic. Lancelot didn't have this problem.
* Artie: This is so lame.
* Shrek: Hang on! C'mon, Lady, we came all this way. Can you spare a coin for us?
* Lady of the Lake: Oh fine. You want a coin? Retrieve seven magical high-heeled shoes, and I'll give you a coin.
* Shrek: Figures... even the Lady of the Lake is shoe crazy! I'd hate to see her closet.
* Lady of the Lake: Those shoes are so pretty! Now hurry up and bring them back to the lake. Took long enough. -- but fine, whatever. Artie, you'll find a coin in your pocket. Now go toss it in the well.
* Gnome: Sixth Floor. Lingerie, sleepwear, unmentionables. Fifth Floor. Jewelry, handbags, perfumes, and some gnomes. Four Floor. Customer Service and Concessions. Third Floor. Petites, Sportswear, Toiletries. Second Floor. Gnomes, housewares, gnomes and more gnomes. First Floor. Wishing wells.
* Lady of the Lake: Good job!
* Artie: So -- that's it? That's my quest?
* Lady of the Lake: Yup, you're done. Congratulations, you win, thy quest is complete, go you.
* Artie: But -- don't I get... something?
* Lady of the Lake: Like what?
* Artie: I dunno, a piece of paper, or a medal? Something?
* Lady of the Lake: First, the quest isn't hard enough, now you want a medal. Okay, fine. Come back to the top. There's something for you in a cave just behind the lake.
* Shrek: Alright, Donkey, listen to me. Artie's going to be on his way back soon. I want you to go into this cave and pretend to be a dragon.
* Donkey: A what?!?
* Shrek: Artie wanted to fight a dragon for his quest.
* Donkey: What is it with everybody wanting to fight dragons? They're much more cuddly than they look, you know.
* Shrek: Look, Donkey, it's simple. If Artie thinks he fought a dragon, but he'll feel more heroic -- like a king, not a kid. Then he'll actually WANT to come back with us.
* Donkey: Alright, fine.
* Shrek: Great! Now put this costume on...
* Donkey: Man, I can't believe I'm doing this. How am I ever gonna tell this story back at home without getting fried or a crisp? Pretend I'm a dragon! I bet that cat came up with this! He's probably watching me now and laughing.
* Donkey: Look at that, there's already a dragon in here. That you, Shrek? Where did you get that cheap costume? Oh, ahhhhh!
* Artie: Shrek? Donkey? What a lame quest. Throw a coin in the well. Stupid Lady of the Lake. Shrek? Hello?
* Donkey: Help me, Artie! He's going to eat me!
* Gnome: Le dee dee, hum le hum...
* Donkey: Man, you were great! Swinging your sword, waving your shield, left-right, left-right, duck and weave! I love you, Artie! You're the man!
* Artie: Thanks. Hey, why are you wearing a dragon costume?
* The Narrator: Having bravely completely his quest and won his diploma...
* Shrek: You did good, lad.
* The Narrator: Arthur was eager to return with Shrek to Far Far Away.
* Shrek: Okay. Let's go.
* The Narrator: Meanwhile, deep in the catacombs beneath in the royal castle, Sleeping Beauty searched frantically for her imprisoned friends.
* Sleeping Beauty: (Snores)
* The Narrator: Ahem. As I was saying, Sleeping Beauty searched frantically...
* Sleeping Beauty: (Snores)
* The Narrator: Ahem! Search frantically...
* Sleeping Beauty: (Snores)
* The Narrator: Searched frantically because her friends' very lives depended upon her!
* Sleeping Beauty: You don't have to be so rude. (Snores)
* The Narrator: Oh, forget it.
* Sleeping Beauty: Fiona! Can you hear me?!?
* Fiona: (off-screen) Sleeping Beauty! You must be getting close! Hurry up!
* Knight: Ha ha! You'll never get through THIS gate!
* Cyclops: Get her, boys! Ooooh! That had to hurt! Aw, come on! She's just a girl! Are you going to make me come down there? Club sandwich! You guys are pathetic!
* Prisoner: We're busting out! Whoo! Whee! We're busting out! Whoo!
* Knight: I don't know how you got there, but you're going to stay there. Okay... I'll unlock it this once. And, y'know, if you're not doing anything Friday... perhaps we could take in a puppet show?
* Gingerbread Man: (off-screen) I won't tell you anything!
* Knight: (off-screen) Oh yeah? Get me some milk!
* Gingerbread Man: (off-screen) That doesn't scare me!
* Knight: (off-screen) Fine! Have it your way. Make it nice, steaming HOT chocolate!
* Gingerbread Man: (off-screen) Nooooo!!!
* Sleeping Beauty: Fiona!
* Fiona: Where's Rapunzel and the others?
* Sleeping Beauty: I heard Rapunzel is with Charming now!
* Fiona: That tramp!
* Sleeping Beauty: And I heard them interrogating Gingy!
* Fiona: We have to save him!
* Knight: Unlock the door for you? Of course, my sweet sleepyhead!
* Fiona: Hey, why don't you just eat your way out?
* Gingerbread Man: No! That's revolting! I'm not a cannibal.
* (Sleeping Beauty arrives)
* Gingerbread Man: Girls! I'm so glad to see you! They were going to do horrible things to me! With chocolate!
* Fiona: You're safe now. Have you seen Cinderella? Or Pinocchio?
* Gingerbread Man: Stromboli took Pinocchio to the Evil Queen's castle! He's going to use Pinocchio to create an army of evil wooden puppets!
* Fiona: But where's Charming?
* Gingerbread Man: Oh, you mean the king of the stupids? He's back in the castle preparing for his big show.
* Fiona: Then what's where we're going. Right?
* Sleeping Beauty: (...snore...)
* Fiona: I love her, but she'll only slow me down. Gingy, watch over her. When she wakes up, get her out of here. Ha! If those guards think a wooden door can stop me...
* Artie: Are we almost there yet? It feels like we've been walking forever.
* Shrek: Hey, it wasn't my quest! Next time, ask the Lady of the Lake for a shorter one!
* [A piano being played is heard]
* Artie: Is that a piano?
* [Shrek turns and sees Captain Hook playing his piano on a huge log]
* Captain Hook: Well, that plan didn't work as well as I thought...
* Artie: That was a plan?
* Captain Hook: Oh, don't rub it in. I spent more time on the song than the plan.
* Shrek: Yeah, like that wasn't pathetically obvious. Now tell me where Fiona is!
* Captain Hook: She's in the royal prison. Guarded by witches and knights and even worse --- the cyclops!
* Artie: Good thing you didn't say pirates. I was scared you were going to say pirates. Given how many they were just now.
* Captain Hook: You're rubbing it again.
* Shrek: Come on, Artie. Let's go.
* The Narrator: Now safely on board ship, our daring adventurers began their serene voyage home, so Arthur could last be united with his royal subjects.
* Puss in Boots: You'll be fine. Except for the poisonings.
* Artie: What?
* Puss in Boots: And the famine.
* Artie: Huh?
* Puss in Boots: And the revolutionaries.
* Artie: Okay, that's it. I don't want to be king!
* Shrek: Too bad. You're going.
* The Narrator: But, cruel fate at other plans in store...
* Shrek: Oh, that's just great.
* The Narrator: And cast them on a lonely shore.
* Shrek: Hello?!? Is anyone here? Artie?!? Donkey?!? Hey, old man! Yeah, you! Have you seen a talking donkey around? Or a whiny teenager?
* Merlin: Oh my. An ogre. Stay back!
* Shrek: Oh, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm looking for my friends.
* Merlin: Ogres have friends?
* Shrek: Whether they want them or not. Have you seen them?
* Artie: (off-screen) Shrek!
* Shrek: Artie! Where's everyone else?
* Artie: They're back at Merlin's.
* Shrek: Merlin? The wizard?
* Merlin: At your services! Here, let me magically transport you to my humble home! Ready?
* Shrek: Oh, that's just great!
* Pirate Mate: Looks like a fine spot to build a plank!
* Pirate Mate #2: Aye, it sure does... Oh no! An ogre! Ogre! Aiiieee!
* Merlin: You made it back!
* Shrek: No thanks to you!
* Merlin: Just a small spell mishap, nothing more.
* Shrek: Now why don't you use your wizardly powers to transport us back to Far Far Away.
* Merlin: No problem! I just need four magical horseshoes. One for each of you.
* Shrek: Do we look like horses?
* Donkey: Ooh, I do! I do!
* Merlin: No, no, no. Magical horseshoes are needed for my long distance teleport spell. It's quite technical. I could explain.
* Shrek: Please don't! Alright, fine! I'll find them! Oh sure, now the avalanche stops!
* Pirate Mate: Ye'll not be moving this fine rock, ye big green wimp. Me mother can push harder than you! And she's only got one leg! Arrr, ye may've skippered ye way past the rock -- but ye'll be no match for the savage, heartless creatures that await ye up ahead.
* Shrek: Well, that's all of the horseshoes. Now to find that crazy old wizard's home. This had better work! Hehe. You're a big boy, aren't you?
* Merlin: You're back! Why are you back?
* Shrek: You said to get horseshoes?
* Merlin: I did? For what?
* Shrek: To send us back home!
* Merlin: I said I'd do that?
* The Narrator: Our heroes encountered Merlin, Greatest of Wizards, and used their key powers of persuasion to attain his help in returning home.
* Shrek: How about a lift?
* Merlin: No, no, no.
* Artie: Please.
* The Narrator: Deeply moved, Merlin consented and carefully selected the precise magical spell for the task. Using all his legendary powers, Merlin whisked them on their way.
* Merlin: Oops. Wrong wand. Sorry.
* Shrek: Ah, now that's more like it! That old crackpot actually sent us back home.
* Donkey: Woo-hoo! Boy, Shrek, I sure wouldn't have put my money on that!
* Puss in Boots: And I still wouldn't, my friend. Look.
* Shrek: Well, thank you, very much, Mr. Wizard! I'm so glad you dropped us off in an evil-infested forest!
* Donkey: Oh man, I'm getting the hee-bee gee-bees, Shrek. You know how I don't like evil forests! I'm gonna hide!
* Puss in Boots: I don't like the looks of this castle, boss. It makes my whiskers twitch. Something about it feels evil.
* Evil Queen: Why thank you, Mr. In Boots. I spent years on the decor.
* Puss in Boots: Did you call me Mr. In Boots?
* Evil Queen: I did.
* Puss in Boots: Madam, prepare for a world of trouble.
* Shrek: Puss, are you trying to pick a fight with the evil lady?
* Puss: It she who picks the fight with her sarcasm and disdain.
* Evil Queen: Is the little kitty angry?
* Shrek: Alright. Let's get her!
* Witch: Aw... I ate a kitty like you once!
* Evil Queen: Fair warning -- I'm a dog person.
* Puss in Boots: Oh? I cannot believe this.
* Witch: Aw... here kitty, kitty. Time to meet your DOOM! Those cute eyes! You're hideous!
* Evil Queen: Witches! Protect my cauldron!
* Shrek: So that's where those bad guys were coming from. I'm going to have to destroy that gate!
* (Puss in Boots arrives)
* Shrek: Puss! Where did the Evil Queen go?
* Puss in Boots: She took off on her broom. I tried to stop her, but alas! My legs were already tired from all that jumping.
* Shrek: She's probably warning Charming we're on the way back.
* Pinocchio: (off-screen) Helllllllp!
* Puss in Boots: That was Pinocchio!
* Pinocchio: (off-screen) Helllllllp! Heellllllp!!! Heellllllp!!! Heelllllp!!!
* Shrek: This place gives me a headache.
* Evil Pinocchios: Welcome to our workshop, Shrek! Stromboli designed us better than that loser Pinocchio! Want a taste? Prince Charming had Stromboli build us just for you! Surprise! Fine, beat us up! We can take it -- we're not REAL boys. We pull the stings around here, ogre! Don't you want to play with us? Stromboli's not her, but we are!
* Pinocchio: Hellllllp!!!
* Shrek: Pinocchio! Are you alright?
* Pinocchio: Shrek! I'm going to cry!
* Shrek: Don't do that. Anything but that.
* Pinocchio: But did you see all those evil wooden puppets?
* Shrek: Don't worry about them. None of them are half the puppet you are. Now tell me what's going on Far Far Away.
* Pinocchio: Oh, it's terrible! Prince Charming's taking over. He signed up all the bad guys, even the Evil Queen.
* Shrek: She's taken care of.
* Pinocchio: Captain Hook?
* Shrek: Not around anymore.
* Pinocchio: Rapunzel!
* Shrek: Really? She seemed so nice.
* Pinocchio: Not anymore! Charming captured Fiona and the princesses, took over the castle, now he's going to put on a big stage show to prove to everyone in Far Far Away that HE'S the man.
* Shrek: Well, we can't have that, can we?
* Pinocchio: But how can you stop him? We're so far away from Far Far Away!
* Shrek: Trust me, someone owes me a favor. Hey, Merliiiiiiiin!!!!!!!!
* Merlin: Oh dear! It appears there was another spell mishap!
* Shrek: No, no. Pinocchio and I WANTED to be in this demented by workshop filled with crazy puppets!
* Merlin: Oops! Well, you should hear where young Arthur ended up. It wasn't easy extracting him from the belly of a giant squid, you know.
* Shrek: Merlin...!
* Merlin: Easily fixed! Just meet me over here. Oh, and do be careful. It looks rather dangerous.
* The Narrator: And so the stage was set for the climax of this tale. As Charming prepare a grand show to commemorate his ultimate triumph.
* Prince Charming: To be or not to be incredibly handsome.
* The Narrator: And so Shrek and the friends finally, at last, returned to Far Far Away.
* Shrek: Well, that was easy.
* Shrek: Listen up! You've got ten seconds to release the princesses or else we're going to knock down your walls!
* Knight: But we can't!
* Shrek: 5 seconds!
* Knight: But we can't! We really can't!
* Shrek: Rent-a-guards! Cheap but stupid. Donkey! Puss! Artie! Bring up the catapult!
* Puss: What did you call me?
* Shrek: See? Now wouldn't it have been easier to just give up the princesses?
* Knight: We can't! They escaped yesterday!
* Donkey: Oops! Sorry about the walls.
* Knight: Oh, it's alright. They're insured.
* Shrek: Where did they go?
* Knight: Don't ask me? I'm just a minimum wage rent-a-guard.
* Donkey: I bet they went back into town, Shrek! Let's go! My keen sense of smell can find them, I'm sure! I'm part bloodhound! You knew that, right?
* Knight #2: These catacombs are so peaceful!
* Knight: I know, right? Prison riots can be so stressful.
* Prisoner: Free at last! Eureka!
* Knight: Hey! Come back here!
* Fiona: I have to get out of here and tell Shrek about Prince Charming's plans!
* Prisoner: I dunno, this water just don't smell right.
* Prisoner #2: That's not water!
* Guy: Oh, good, another one! Let's see how she does with this. Wait for it! Wait for it! Go! No! Stop! Stop! Go! No, no, no! Stop! Wait... go, go, go! Go! No! Stop! Stop!
* Prisoner: This spot's taken!
* Prisoner #2: Get off! Find your own hiding spot!
* Knight: Wow, this thing is heavy. We need something strong to move it.
* Knight #2: Like my head.
* Knight: Yeah, like your head. Oh, you are so stupid! No wonder you're guarding the sewers!
* Guy: Almost out...
* Prisoner: I'm not sure this is the right direction. It keeps getting darker!
* Prisoner #2: Might as well search for loot while we're down here.
* Prisoner #3: Now, why would they be loot in the sewers? There's just rats down here!
* Prisoner #2: Everyone knows rats guard treasure! Gold, gems, bullion, doubloons! Kick one of those crates open, would ya?
* Prisoner #3: A monster! Run!
* Guy: You're not getting out of this pit that easily, miss!
* Artie: Ugh. This is my kingdom?
* Shrek: Yeah, well, it looked better before I left.
* Artie: Sounds like something's going on the middle of town. You go that way, I'll go this way.
* Shrek: Well, isn't he getting bossy?
* Peasant Actor: Imposter! I'm the one playing the ogre in the play tonight! Union rules!
* Knight: Sir Gordon! Come down and help us with this ogre!
* Sir Gordon: Um, I can't! Guarding the parapet, sir. In case of, uh... gargoyle attack. Sir.
* Knight: Gargoyles? There ain't no such thing as gargoyles!
* Sir Gordon: Very dangerous, gargoyles is! Always good to have someone on lookout. Good luck, though!
* Peasant Actor: You won't steal my limelight! I'm the star!
* Knight: Ogre! Halt!
* Peasant: You idiot! That's an actor, not an ogre. And he has come to with me now! The show's starting in five minutes!
* Knight: Looks like an ogre to me, and Charming said we isn't to let any ogres pass.
* Peasant: It's an actor! Look, he's wearing a big rubber mask. Oh no. That's not a mask, is it?
* Shrek: Uh, no.
* Peasant: Aaaaaagh!
* Knight: Ogre! Halt!
* Peasant Actor: Someone arrest this phony! That's my cue!
* Peasant: What's he doing? Uh... oh no!
* (Fiona arrives)
* Shrek: Fiona!
* Fiona: Shrek! I heard they sent Captain Hook after you!
* Shrek: Yeah, well, he's singing a different tune now. Where's Charming?
* Fiona: He's started a big stage show in the middle of town to tell everybody how great he is.
* (Prince Charming arrives)
* Prince Charming: Actually it can't start without you, Shrek.
* Shrek: Charming! I've been saving a special beating just for you!
* Prince Charming: Careful, big boy! One move and your friends get it!
* Fiona: Oh no!
* Shrek: What do you want from me, Charming?
* Prince Charming: It's simple -- you have a big part in my production. You see, your end is my beginning. Well, actually my ending. Of the play. Oh, never mind.
* Fiona: Leave him alone!
* Prince Charming: Guards! Chain this monstrosity up!
* Prince Charming: Listen to the crowd, Shrek! Do you hear what I hear? I hear thousands of people crying out for a hero! A new king!
* Shrek: Oh they'll get a new king alright.
* Prince Charming: You can't mean that boy, Arthur! Ha! I know all about him. He's a coward. Last my men saw, he was skulking away into the woods. In any case, prepare yourself for our big scene, Shrek! It's showtime!
* (Artie arrives)
* Artie: This is so lame, Charming. I can guarantee not a single teenager would be caught dead watching this WEAK production. You're missing a huge demographic.
* Prince Charming: What are you talking about?
* Artie: You know, for a long time, I told Shrek I didn't want to be king. Too much work, too much hassle. But now I know it's what I have to do.
* Prince Charming: Bravo! Fantastic speech! Now get off the stage and stop interrupting my show!
* Artie: You get off the stage Charming. I'm king now.
* Prince Charming: Guards! Get the boy and chain him up!
* Prince Charming: Extras! Stage right! Get him! Lightning crew! Capture that boy! Cyclops! That's your cue!
* Artie: Show's over, Charming. Come on down from your... cardboard make-believe tower.
* Prince Charming: No! You know what they say. It's not over until the fat ogre sings!
* Artie: Um, I'm not an expert on the theatre, but I'm pretty sure they don't say that.
* Prince Charming: Well, I AM an expert at the theatre. And unfortunately for you, that includes stage fighting.
* Shrek: Get him Artie! Go for the ropes, Artie!
* Prince charming: Go get your own kingdom! Play to the crowd!
* Shrek: Alright! Excellent! Take a bow, Charming. Show's over.
* Prince Charming: Alright, it's been a good run! Excuse me while I exit stage left.
* Shrek: Not just yet...
* Crowd: (Cheers)
* Donkey: Encore! Encore! Yeah! That's a show. Come on, Shrek, stand up. Take a bow. They love you. Shrek, Shrek, look, it's Artie. Uh, Arthur. I mean, the king. Always knew he had it with him.
* Shrek: Oh, you don't say.
* Donkey: Uh-huh. Just like always knew your under big, mean, green, hairy, stinky outside, you'd be a good daddy.
* Donkey: Oh, oh! It's the after party, Shrek. Come on. Now's our chance Everyone's gonna be here. And there's gonna be peanuts, ice cream, man sandwiches, and bananas. And parfaits. You know how I love parfaits. And now that Artie's the king and we've got our happily ever afters back and all, I figure, you know, we can get some kind of royal decree like uh, a lifetime supply of chocolate syrup or those little cherries, something like that. Maybe we could just get you some soap, because you know offense but you do get kind of ripe sometimes.
* Shrek: Okay, Donkey, here's a royal decree. Shut it.
* Donkey: Hey, hey. It's fine by me. You wanna keep on being Sir Stinky all the time. I was thinking about the rest of us. You know kinda like a public service.
* Shrek: Donkey.

## GBA Version

* The Narrator: In the land of Far Far Away, the beloved king had his royal duties.
* Shrek: King? Me? You must be joking.
* King Harold: Hmm, you've got a point. There is another heir to the throne... your cousin, Arthur.
* The Narrator: And so Shrek and his loyal crew set off to find the next king of Far Far Away. As they set off their journey, Shrek and his crew were unaware that Prince Charming and his horde of villains were about to try to take over Far Far Away. The fate of Far Far Away was now in Shrek's hands. He had to find cousin Arthur and bring him back to the castle. But Arthur was reluctant. Getting him back to Far Far Away would not be easy. On the trip home, Arthur tried to gain control of the ship, causing it to crash. Shrek and the gang found themselves shipwrecked on a remote shore, far from home.
* Shrek: Oh great, now we'll have to walk back to Far Far Away, which if I recall is really far away. Hey, where's Arthur?
* Donkey: He went that way.
* Shrek: Don't move. I'll go get him.
* Shrek: Who are you?
* Private: That, my friend, is top secret information. But I will tell you this... if you see a fairy, pick it up. They have magical powers that will help you on your quest. - Over and out.
* Gloria: There are magical items hidden all around. Collect them and you can gain special abilities.
* Shrek: No, Arthur, wait!
* Artie: I'm going back to Worcestershire Academy.
* Puss in Boots: Shrek is taking too long. He may need my help!
* Donkey: Your help? He needs my help before he needs your help..now which way did he go?
* Puss in Boots: Oh come on, follow me.
* Shrek: Now where did he go?
* Stella: Whew, only an ogre could stand to walk through that stench!
* Verne: There are evil scary trees in the forest. If you attack them, they will grow back. To defeat them you must attack them before they are fully grown.
* Shrek: Arthur, wait! Far Far Away needs you.
* Artie: Are you sure I am the only heir to the throne?
* Shrek: Yep, you're the one and only, er, man for the job!
* Donkey: I think they went that way.
* Puss in Boots: No, no. They went this way. Come on.
* Donkey: Shrek! Where you been? We've been looking everywhere for you.
* Puss in Boots: Whoa, what is that?
* Artie: That is where Mr. Merlin lives. He used to teach magic at Worchestire Academy, but I think he went a little cuckoo. Maybe he'll let us stay the night. Then we can get a fresh start back to Far Far Away in the morning.
* Shrek: What's going on now?
* Captain Hook: Ahrrr mateys. There they be. Kill them all except for the green one. King Charming wants to see you personally.
* Shrek: King Charming?!? What has Charming done this time? And where is Fiona?
* Captain Hook: He's got big plans for both of yous. Your happily ever after is over, ogre.
* Shrek: We have to get back to Far Far Away. Fiona is in danger.
* Artie: Hold on, Shrek. Merlin can help us.
* Shrek: There's no time for that.
* Artie: He's a wizard. He has to have some way of getting us back fast.
* Shrek: Alright, you have one minute, then we do things my way.
* Artie: Mr. Merlin, we need to go back to Far Far Away. Can you help us?
* Merlin: Sorry kid. I just don't have it in me anymore.
* Artie: Please, their - our - kingdom is in trouble.
* Merlin: Fine, I'll try. But I need more magic. I will need 10 magic fairies in order to send you home. I'm a bit rusty so there may be some side effects. Don't worry though, whatever they are they will wear off ...eventually. Here goes.
* Shrek: This isn't Far Far Away. I knew this wouldn't work.
* Merlin: Just a slight miscalculation. I know what I did wrong though. I can try again. I just need more magic.
* Artie: Looks like we better collect more fairies.
* Shrek: I guess we don't have much choice now. We can cover more ground if we split up. Puss, Donkey, you got that way. Arthur and I will go this way.
* Artie: Shreeeeek!
* Shrek: Arthur, are you okay?
* Artie: Um, I think so. How do I get out of here?
* Shrek: Not the way you came in. You'll have to find another way out.
* Artie: I'll try. Whew, I'm glad to be out of there.
* Donkey: Arthur, what are you doing here?
* Artie: I'll explain later. First we have to get to Shrek. Follow me. Shrek is way up on that mountain ahead, but I'm not sure how we can.
* Puss in Boots: I think I see a short-cut.
* Donkey: Huh, I ain't goin' in there. You must be crazy. Well, someone needs to stay here and keep an eye on the future king.
* Puss in Boots: A cave. I should reach Shrek in no time. Shrek, there you are. Donkey and Arthur are waiting for us.
* Merlin: Far Far Away, coming right up.
* Shrek: Again, not Far Far Away. I thought you knew that you were doing?
* Merlin: Well I did say I was a bit rusty. I'll get it right next time for sure, Shrek. But I'll need some more --.
* Shrek: Magic Fairies. Just great. Let's all split up and find these fairies quickly.
* Artie: I'll scour the cave for fairies.
* Donkey: Arthur, I'm glad to see you. I found more fairies in the forest, but I need some help collecting them.
* Artie: Okay, lead the way.
* Donkey: The fairies I just saw are just ahead.
* Puss in Boots: Well this looks like as good as place as any for gathering magic fairies. Ah, Arthur, Donkey, there you are. Let's find Shrek, so we can get back to Merlin.
* Shrek: Finally, there you all are. We have to hurry and get back to Far Far Away.
* Puss in Boots: More attacking trees. Don't worry boss, I deal with them ...en garde!
* Artie: I'll help Puss in Boots.
* Merlin: Okay, I seem to have gotten the spell a little backwards before, but I'll get it right for sure this time.
* Shrek: I should hope so! We could have crawled to Far Far Away by now. You finally got it. Thanks, Merlin!
* Donkey: (In Puss in Boots' body) Uh, don't be too sure about that, Shrek. Somethin' definitely ain't right here!
* Puss in Boots: (In Donkey's body) The donkey -- I mean, the cat -- is right. Merlin swapped our bodies. You'd better go on without us, Shrek.
* Artie: This is Far Far Away?!
* Shrek: Looks like King Charming isn't doing the kingdom much good. Come on, we have to find Fiona.
* Pinocchio: Shrek...
* Shrek: Pinocchio, what's going on?
* Pinocchio: We were captured by Charming! Fiona and the princesses are being held in the prison tower. Charming is planning a play tonight. He wants to kill you during it!
* Shrek: Huh? When? How?
* Pinocchio: I'm not sure. But if you can find the pages of the play's script maybe you can find it. Hurry!
* Shrek: We need to get that script pieced together quickly. Let's split up and meet back near the castle.
* Artie: Okay Shrek.
* Shrek: If Charming wants me in his play, then that's what he'll get. You find the rest of the script pages and I will find a way into the castle.
* Shrek: Well Charming, you wanted me? Here I am, but let Arthur go. You don't need him for anything. After all, he's not king material. The kid is useless.
* Prince Charming: For once you're right, igre. Guards, release the youth and take the ogre to the stage for his final performance.
* Artie: Well I guess I wasn't needed so much after all.
* (At Outside)
* Merlin: Arthur, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be saving your kingdom, Far Far Away!
* Artie: Well, according to Shrek, I'm not needed.
* Merlin: Oh, don't be silly. Don't you see, he was saying that to save your life? Now it's time to return the favor. Give me the script and we'll find a way to help him together. This should do it. Let's go help Shrek.
* The Narrator: And so the brave Arhur helped Shrek take back to the castle and proudly took on his new role as king. King Arthur convinced the villains of Far Far Away to right their evil ways. Shrek, Fiona, and the gan returned to their home in the swamp. And it was a Happily Ever After, After All.

## Voice cast

* John Cleese as Narrator, King Harold.
* Michael Gough as Shrek, Announcer.
* Mark Moseley as Donkey, Stage Hand, Bandit #3.
* André Sogliuzzo as Puss in Boots, Jock Captain, Pirate #1, Evil Trees.
* James Arnold Taylor as Artie, Prince Charming, Gnome.
* Holly Fields as Fiona, Witch #3, Ogre Baby.
* Erin Mathews as Sleeping Beauty, Witch #4, Dronkey.
* John Curry as Merlin, Evil Knight #3, Pirate #2.
* Natalie Lander as Lady of the Lake, Witch #2, Ogre Baby.
* Jim Meskimen as Captain Hook, Attendant #2, Geek.
* Cody Cameron as Pinocchio, Evil Pinocchio, Jock #2.
* Susanne Blakeslee as Evil Queen, Witch #1, Dronkey.
* Sean Bishop as Cyclops, Attendant #3.
* Conrad Vernon as Gingy, Evil Knight #1, Jock #1.
* Phil LaMarr as Lancelot, Peasant #2, Attendant #1.
* Jess Harnell as Pirate Captain, Peasant Actor, Evil Knight #3.
* Amanda Troop as Cinderella, Dronkey, Ogre Baby.
* Roger Rose as Peasant #1, Bandit #1, Pirate #3.
* Margaret Tang as Director.
* Tom McGrath as Skipper.

## External links

Shrek  (2001) · Shrek 2  (2004) · Shrek 3  (2007) · Shrek 4  (2010) · Puss in Boots  (2011) · Puss in Boots: The Last Wish  (2022) :
| Short films | Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party (2001) · Shrek 4D (2003) · Thriller Night (2011) · Puss in Boots: the Three Diablos (2012) |
| Television specials | Far Far Away Idol (2004) · Shrek the Halls (2007) · Scared Shrekless (2010) |