# ALF (season 4)

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ALF is an American sitcom that aired on NBC. The title character is Gordon Shumway, a sarcastic, friendly extraterrestrial nicknamed ALF (an acronym for Alien Life Form), who crash-lands in the garage of the suburban middle-class Tanner family.

## Episodes
### Baby, Come Back [4.01]

    ALF: Hey, Kate. What's for dinner?
    Kate: ALF, you just had lunch.
    ALF: Your dinners highlight my day, Kate. But then again, I have no life.
    Willie: Any luck?
    Kate: No.
    ALF: You know what I'd love to have for dinner tonight?
    Kate: I guess I'm just gonna have to tell my boss that I can't show any more houses until we get a babysitter.
    ALF: Porkchops.
    Willie: Don't worry, we'll find somebody.
    ALF: Maybe a nice ham.
    Willie: You think we're offering too little? Maybe we should be paying more than $6 an hour.
    ALF: Hey, hold it! Flag on the play. You're paying these people? I'll do it.
    Willie: Did you call all the college papers, and every college-
    ALF: Perhaps you didn't hear me. Thus, I'll say it again. I'll baby-sit.
    Kate: No, I don't think so, ALF. It's nothing personal, it's just- Well, I guess it is personal.
    Willie: Call us crazy, ALF. We just feel that we should have a human babysitter what with Eric being human and all.
    ALF: Oh, I see. And have you thought about what happens to me, while that human babysitter rummages trough my fridge?
    Kate: What do you mean your fridge?
    ALF: Okay, it's your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat drawer is mine.
    Willie: When the babysitter's here, you're gonna have to be in the attic.
    ALF: Oh, great, prison. Why don't you just stick me in a sweatbox?
    Willie: We're all making adjustments, ALF. You're not gonna be up there all that much.
    ALF: Attica! Attica! Attica!
    Kate: ALF, cut the dramatics. I'm just gonna be working part time.
    ALF: But I've got an instinctive rapport with kids. It's a gift that all Melmacians share. That and the ability to suck milk through our noses.
    Willie: My, you are blessed, aren't you?
    Kate: As passionate as your argument sounds, ALF, the answer's still no.
    ALF: But why? Why?
    Kate: Why? Because you're irresponsible. You trash the house. You flooded the living room. You wallpapered the shower.
    ALF: It was a rhetorical question.
    ALF: Well, that should take care of the pesky gophers. [goes upstairs to Eric's room and he finds out that Eric is gone] Eric, I'm back! Did you have time to reload? Eric? Eric! Eric! Eric! Oh, he's gone! What have I done? Eric! Well, so much for keeping my powder dry. Eric!
    [ALF is stuck in the chimney while he is finding Eric]
    ALF: Eric! Eric, are you up here? Eric, this isn't funny anymore.
    Willie: ALF!
    ALF: Oh, hi, Willie. Whatever you do, don't go to the Chrysler Building in New York.
    Willie: What are you doing in the chimney?
    ALF: Well, it has nothing to do with Eric if that's what you're getting at. Willie! Willie! Can you get me out of here?

### Lies [4.02]

    ALF: [comes out the kitchen with a tabloid] Hi.
    Kate: Oh, hi, ALF. We're gonna go out to Brian's game and then out for pizza. You want us to bring you anything?
    ALF: I'm too depressed to eat.
    Willie: What's wrong?
    ALF: Ah, they're fooling around with the universe. Read this travesty of journalism I foundin this week's Inquisitor.
    Willie: [reading tabloid] "Amazon women found on Alpha Centauri." So?
    ALF: Everyone knows Alpha Centauri is just a bunch of bowling alleys and divorced guys!
    Kate: Oh, ALF, when will you learn not to take anything in those tabloids seriously? And when I hide something in the bottom of the garbage. I expect it to stay there.
    ALF: Alright, here. But I can't give you back the melon rinds. That ship has sailed.
    Brian: [reading from his history book] Okay, here's the last one. "What German leader was responsible for starting World War II?"
    ALF: That's a tough one. It was either Colonel Klink or Sergeant Schultz. It was probably Klink. Schultz could have never pulled it off.

### Wanted: Dead or Alive [4.03]

    ALF: [after Willie was sent to FBI] Willie's been caught. Kate thinks I've turned him in. I'm gonna end up hung by my neck in a Chinese deli.
    [Kate goes to the backyard and finds ALF inside the box]
    Kate: Too bad this isn't a pine box.
    ALF: Could we discuss this after you've calmed down and I've had time to make travel arrangements?
    Kate: How could you do this to Willie after all the things that he's done for you?
    ALF: I knew you'd finger me. Hence the box. But you're wrong, Kate. I didn't turn him in. Friends?
    Kate: You saw the show, you grilled Lynn and Brian, you jumped to conclusions, and somebody DID CALL THE FBI!
    ALF: Well, sure, when you group them all together like that it sounds bad. But I was only trying to keep him from running away.
    Kate: Willie is not a polygamist.
    ALF: Oh, sure, Kate! But just in case he's gone forever, we still have his memories. And his house. And we can find a way to keep it if you agree to work nights.
    Kate: I cannot talk to you now. I am too mad!
    ALF: Is that 24-hour mad or dissect-the-alien mad?
    Kate: If you wake up, you'll know. [she leaves the backyard]
    ALF: [when Willie came home from FBI] Willie! Oh, Willie, I knew that you were innocent. I'm so excited I could leave a spot right here on the carpet!

### We're in the Money [4.04]

    ALF: [while using the computer] Congratulations. Your account shows you are up by $5000. Yes! Yes! Care to make another buy? Are you kidding? Does Willard Scott wear a toupee?
    Willie: [comes in the garage] ALF.
    ALF: Oh, hi, Willie. You're just in time to see me launch a hostile takeover. Whatever that is! [Willie turns off the computer] Hey, I was right in the middle of my game!
    Willie: This is not a game, you've tapped into my stock-market service. You're investing my money!
    ALF: I'm playing with real money? What a great game!
    Willie: It's not a game!
    ALF: You know, you can beat a point to death.
    Willie: I'm not gonna let you put my house, my family my whole life into jeopardy! Now, tell me, just tell me. How much?
    ALF: $5000. Ahead. We're players, Willie. Players! I knew you'd be happy.
    Willie: But you could've lost everything, ALF. Let's just take this as an unexpected windfall and stop!
    ALF: But I finally found a way to make an honest living. Now, granted, you'd be taking all the risks. But that's the beauty of it! Come on, Willie. Cut me loose. Let me fly. Let my people go.
    Willie: Okay, ALF. You can continue to play the market.
    ALF: Alright. Way to hang, Willie boy!
    Willie: But only on paper! That means no money. A pencil, a calculator, a visor if you want. Did I mention no money?
    ALF: In passing.
    [Willie leaves the garage]
    Willie: Kate, do you know anything about this letter?
    Kate: [reading a letter] "Dear Mr. Tanner, Enclosed please find confirmation numbers for stocks purchased this week."
    Willie: Willie, I thought we were gonna consult each other before doing anything stupid.
    Kate: Well, it's got to be a mistake.
    Willie: Probably a 3 foot furry mistake.
    Kate: Sometimes I think we should just sign everything over to him and slip away in the middle of the night.
    Willie: Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values and do things they shouldn't do.
    ALF: Well, that explains Ghostbusters II.

### Mind Games [4.05]

    [Larry comes to visit the Tanners]
    Willie: Well, what's your professional opinion?
    Larry: He's bored.
    Willie: But you don't think there's any underlying psychological reason?
    Larry: Maybe boredom.
    Kate: That's it?
    Larry: Well, he's a very intelligent being. I mean, he needs to be challenged.
    Kate: He needs to be muzzled.
    Willie: He has the computer. I've bought him dozens of books, video tapes.
    Kate: He has plenty to do. The problem is he wants to be in the middle of whatever we're doing.
    Larry: It's easy to forget, you know, that he's an adult and he wants to be treated like one.
    Kate: So, what do we do?
    Larry: Well, you could, talk to him, tell him your feelings ask for advice, his opinion, and do it at dinner. It'll work wonders.
    Kate: What if it doesn't?
    Larry: We'll have dessert.
    Willie: [while cutting the bread] And he's just gotten completely carried away with this therapy thing.
    Larry: You know ALF, he gets carried away with everything he does. What motivated you to let it go this far?
    Willie: Oh, stop it, Larry. I've had enough of this all week. Just fix it.
    Larry: Yeah, you know what they say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
    Kate: In ALF's hands, foam rubber is a dangerous thing.
    Willie: Do you think you can help?
    Larry: Trust me. I'm a professional.
    Kate: The last time someone said that to me, I ended up with purple hair.

### Hooked on a Feeling [4.06]

    ALF: Did you get my breath mints?
    Lynn: Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. I forgot.
    ALF: Okay, but you're the one who has to live with it. [exhales]
    Lynn: I'll run down to the 7-Eleven.
    Willie: [arrives at the kitchen while carrying Eric] Honey, did you get any more cotton swabs? The tips are missing from all of these and I can't help but feel you probably know something about this.
    ALF: Moths. It was moths.
    Willie: Is that the best you can come up with?
    Lynn: I've got 'em, dad. Here, ALF. At least we remembered your cotton balls.
    Kate: What are you doing with all this cotton?
    ALF: I've been experimenting with some new menu ideas.
    Kate: You mean you're eating it?
    ALF: Yeah, I also tried attic insulation but it left me feeling bloated and unattractive.
    Willie: It's funny that way.
    ALF: [looking at the cotton] But the cotton. Ah, the cotton! All the flavor of a fine polyester with none of the unpleasant aftertaste. [eats the cotton] Mmmm.
    [ALF is siting in front of a TV that is turned off and laughing hysterically from all the cotton he ate while Willie and Kate go to the living room to check on him to see what he is doing]
    Kate: ALF?
    ALF: Oh, yeah. Yeah, just a second, Kate. [he continues laughing]
    Kate: ALF, are you aware that that television isn't on?
    ALF. I wasn't watching TV.
    Willie: Well, what are you laughing at, then?
    ALF: Son of a gun, I don't remember. Was I laughing?
    Willie: Are you okay, ALF?
    ALF: Hey! What say we get naked and do some chanting? Well, look at that. I'm halfway there! [laughs]
    Willie: Say, ALF, uh, do you ever think that all this cotton you're eating could be affecting your moods?
    ALF: Definitely.
    Kate: Don't you think you should cut down?
    ALF: Why? What have you got against cotton? Y'all Yankees? [laughs]
    Willie: I think you should cut down, ALF! Uh, here, let me help. [ALF tries to grab the cotton box but Willie takes it away from him] ALF. ALF! Let me have this. I'll ration it out for you.
    ALF: Alright, but now those Cheech and Chong movies are gonna lose some of their poignancy.
    [Kate and Willie wake up as they hear ALF sing in the middle of the night]
    ALF: [voiceover] New York! Hey, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'm announcing my retirement. Good night, and I love you. New York!
    Willie: Huh? Huh? Honey?
    Kate: Huh? What?
    Willie: Did you say something?
    Kate: No. I was just thinking how Sinatra's voice has slipped over the years.
    Willie: I'm sorry.
    Kate: Huh?
    Willie: Go to sleep.
    [while ALF is outside humming to "New York, New York", Kate and Willie wake up]
    Kate: I don't suppose we were having the same dream.
    Willie: I don't know. How were your seats?
    ALF: [voiceover] Now just the women sing! [continues singing] Thank you! Thank you very much! It's good to be back. [continues singing until Willie, Kate, and Lynn come to stop him]
    Willie: ALF! Quiet!
    ALF: Liza! Sammy! Dino! Hey! Why don't we all tour together?
    Willie: I thought I told you no more cotton.
    ALF: I know what you're thinking. And you're worried about our supply. But this book here says there's this land called Alabama where cotton practically grows on trees.
    Kate: ALF, it's almost 2:00 in the morning, okay?
    ALF: Thanks. Last call. Here. [picks up a ripped pillow] Everybody rip off a piece and pass it around.
    Willie: We're not eating any pillow.
    ALF: Then how do you intend to stay awake for our drive to Alabama, huh?
    Willie: Nobody's going to Alabama!
    ALF: This is really gonna bum out the band.
    Kate: We are all gonna go back to sleep. [angrily] You're gonna stop singing and send the band home.
    ALF: Okay. But I never got treated like this at the golden nugget. [he continues singing]
    [ALF ate another cotton he found on the table]
    Willie: [after he saw ALF ate a cotton] I saw that. I saw you take that cotton.
    ALF: Brian did it!
    Brian: Me? No, I didn't.
    ALF: He's lying! J'accuse!
    Willie: That's enough of that. I saw you take that cotton with my own eyes.
    ALF: [yelling] I don't have to take this! Now, I may be small, but I'm scrappy. Come on! Who wants a piece? [tired] Oh. [sings] Da da da da da, Da da da da da.
    Kate: Admit it, ALF. You have a cotton problem.
    Lynn: We only want to help you.
    ALF: Then stop trying to make me feel guilty. Now, I say we go into the living room and dance! Who's with me? [Lynn, Willie, and Kate ignore him] I know what you're thinking. He doesn't have the guts to dance alone. Ha! Well, that's where you're wrong. I'm doing it! I'm dancing alone! And there's no music! [leaves the kitchen but comes back in tired] Oh.. Just for the sake of argument suppose I do have a problem?
    [the family discovers that ALF ate cotton from the lint screen in the clothes dryer]
    ALF: [loudly] HALLELUJAH! THE MOTHER LODE!
    Kate: Willie, he's got the lint screen.
    Willie: ALF, give me the lint screen.
    ALF: [loudly] Yeah? COME AND GET IT!
    Kate: I think it's time we make that call.
    [ALF hisses]
    Willie: While you're at it, see if you can get me a stun gun.
    ALF: Don't make me use this.
    [Willie comes in the kitchen and confronts ALF for all the people he invited to the house]
    ALF: Willie! Don't you know how to knock?
    Willie: You were going to eat that dish towel, weren't you?
    ALF: This? I was just smelling it. Hoping for a contact high. [smells the towel]
    Willie: ALF, they want to know why I smoke.
    ALF: Willie, you smoke?
    Willie: I want to help you, ALF, I really, really do. But you have to want to get better, too. Now, seriously why do you think you need to eat cotton?
    ALF: I don't know.
    Willie: But surely you can't be happy like this.
    ALF: You're right, I'm not! I'm a wreck! Willie, I've got a monkey on my back! It's a mean monkey and it's hassling all the tourists for money! Make him go!
    Howard: [voiceover] Willie?
    ALF: Well, I hate for you to see me like this. Is my mascara running?
    Willie: Okay. Okay, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna try to steer the conversation around to something that you can relate to. But this time, you have to listen. You understand?
    ALF: Alright, alright. [Willie leaves the kitchen] Hey. Reformed smokers are the worst.
    Willie: [goes to the kitchen to have a private conversation with ALF] What is it, ALF?
    ALF: I don't know. Help me, Willie. I'm scared.
    Willie: Don't be afraid, ALF. Look, you want to eat cotton. Now, why? What's the reason? Think.
    ALF: Please, just one bite of your pants down by the cuff. I'm begging!
    Willie: No, no, you don't want that.
    ALF: I do!
    Willie: No, you don't!
    ALF: For once I wish people would stop telling me what I want! How do you know what I want? I want- I wanna go outside. I wanna see someone who looks like me. I'm lonely, Willie. I want to go home!
    Willie: I understand, ALF. I, I, I understand.
    Howard: [voiceover] Willie?
    Willie: I, I gotta go talk to Howard.
    ALF: No, don't leave me!
    Willie: I.. Please. I won't. I-I won't leave you. I'll be there in a minute, Howard!
    ALF: I miss Saturday night aphid chews. I miss my friends. Especially Rhonda. I remember one night after harness racing she was helping me out of my bridle.
    Willie: I had no idea. ALF, you always joke about Melmac. Well, it wasn't the most together planet.
    ALF: But still. How'd you like to be the only member of your species?
    Willie: Sometimes I feel like I am.
    ALF: But you have a family, Willie. When you're, talking with little Eric talking that baby talk. You look so, so, so ridiculous. It makes me realize I'm never gonna be able to look half that ridiculous with a little one of my own.
    Willie: You can be ridiculous with our family anytime you want. And you are.
    ALF: Ah, just not the same. There's a bond that you have that I never will.
    [at the end, ALF is having a nightmare about the family singing and dancing to "New York, New York" Ray Conniff style with tuxedos, batons, top hats and tails, he yells as he wakes up from his nightmare]
    Lynn: [as he runs up to ALF] ALF, were you having that dream again?
    ALF: Yeah. Being clean and sobor's gonna be a lot harder than I thought. Oh. [he tries to sing "New York, New York" again but he and Lynn feel tired as the episode ends]

### He Ain't Heavy, He's Willie's Brother [4.07]

    Willie: [goes to the attic and reads a sign ALF wrote] Nice touch.
    ALF: Subtle, but it makes a point.
    Willie: I can understand your feelings, ALF. I can also understand your dilemma. What I can't understand is this note.
    ALF: It's in English. What don't you understand?
    Willie: [reading a note that ALF wrote] "Dear Neal, take some advice from a guy who loves you like a brother. There's a camper leaving town at noon either be in it or under it. Love, Anonymous."
    ALF: I love when you read to me.
    Willie: You left this on the kitchen table hoping that Neal would see it and think it was from me, didn't you?
    ALF: Let him draw his own conclusions. I didn't say it was from his brother. Clever, yes?
    Willie: If my brother wants to visit here for a while he's welcome, ALF.
    ALF: Fine. But if you were more forceful and less sympathetic to freeloaders perhaps he'd get the hint.
    Willie: I'm ending this conversation now. But before I go, I'd like you to imagine what my being less sympathetic to freeloaders might mean to the fate of another member of this household.
    ALF: He's right. Kate would have been history a long time ago.
    ALF: [burps while having breakfast with Lynn and Brian] Yeah. You know, if you eat fast, you could eat more.
    Lynn: Yeah. It also adds to the ambience.
    ALF: I know. [burps]
    Lynn: [as she sees Willie arriving at the kitchen] Good morning, dad.
    Willie: Good morning, Lynn, Brian, ALF. ALF, what are you doing down here?
    ALF: Finishing oatmeal with clams.
    Willie: Well, go back upstairs. Neal could come in here any minute.
    ALF: I don't think so. He's gone.
    Willie: Gone? What do you mean gone?
    ALF: Relax, I don't mean dead.
    Brian: I saw his boxer shorts drive by my window.
    Kate: ALF?
    Willie: Kate, Neal drove off in his camper early this morning.
    Kate: That's odd.
    ALF: Well, I'll just mosey on off to the television area if no one minds.
    Willie: [stops ALF] Hold it. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you didn't write him another note.
    ALF: I didn't write him another note. [pause] Uh, pay no attention to my ears.
    Lynn: Nice try.
    Willie: I told you this was none of your concern, didn't I? [angrily] Didn't I make it perfectly clear you were to stay out of this?
    ALF: Obviously not clear enough.
    Kate: What exactly did this note say, ALF?
    ALF: Well, I seem to recall, and I'm paraphrasing now. Amscray, wearing out your welcome. Oh, and deadbeat. Sincerely yours, William Tanner.
    Willie: You signed my name?
    ALF: Well, you got mad when I signed the first one anonymous. Is there no pleasing you?
    ALF: [as he is holding a voodoo doll of Neal] I hereby re-christen you Uncle Neal.
    ALF: [on the phone as the episode ends] Yeah, thanks, operator. Hello, Marshall Ludwig? Oh, hi, Marshall. Uh, you don't know me but, uh, I'm about to make you a very happy man.

### The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face [4.08]

    Kate: [comes out of the kitchen while the family is having dinner] Huh. Well, here's an expression I'm not often called on to use. ALF, your dinner's getting cold.
    ALF: [comes to the dining room, singing] Uncle Neal has gone away, Doo-da doo-da, I can eat out here today, All doo-day long, Everybody! Gonna eat all day-
    Willie: [interrupts ALF's song] ALF, I really don't appreciate that at all.
    ALF: Okay. Then you wanna hear how I changed the words to "Helter Skelter"?
    Willie: No.
    Lynn: I'm gonna miss him. It was fun having Uncle Neal around.
    Kate: Hmm. Well, he's just down the street. You can go visit him. I know he's really lonely since Margaret left him.
    ALF: Hey, he had a bad marriage. Who hasn't, right, Willie?
    Lynn: What's Uncle Neal's new apartment like?
    ALF: Much too close to this house.
    Kate: It's nice. It's small but at least he has more room than he had in the camper.
    Brian: I thought the camper was neat. It had a toilet right in the shower.
    ALF: So do we. Oh, what? Like you've never done it?
    Willie: [goes upstairs to the attic] Hi, ALF.
    ALF: Don't you believe in knocking?
    Willie: No door.
    ALF: Well, what if you caught me at an awkward moment?
    Willie: Let's just be grateful that that hasn't happened.
    ALF: So to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?
    Willie: Oh, I was just, uh. I was looking around for some other things that Neal might be able to use in his new apartment. Yeah.
    ALF: No, don't take those!
    Willie: Why not?
    ALF: Well, I was planning on using them. Someday. When I got married.
    Willie: If the day ever comes that you get married. I promise you, I'll buy you a whole new set of saucepans. And I'll dance on them.
    ALF: It could happen. Look at Anne Bancroft and Mel Brooks. He could have anybody he wants. No, not that. You can't give him that.
    Willie: Well, ALF, this is just an old fan.
    ALF: It's not just any old fan. I use it to scrape my calluses.
    Willie: Keep it.
    ALF: Well, if you see anything else you like, by all means, take it.
    Willie: Neal is getting his own apartment now, ALF. Hopefully things will be returning to normal here. I should think that would make you happy.
    Neal: [offscreen] Willie, you up there?
    Willie: I mean, yeah. Under the bed.
    ALF: Okay, I will. And I won't let this degrade me at all, in case you're worried. [hides under the bed]
    Neal: [arrives at the attic] Morning, Willie. I thought I heard you up here.
    Willie: Yeah, yeah. I was just looking for some more stuff for your new apartment.
    Neal: What, are you taking in boarders now?
    Willie: Oh, that bed is Brian's old bed. You know how attached kids can get to their old furniture. Especially after they wet it.
    Neal: Well, it's nice to know you've stuck to the old values. Oh, hey, I could really use this, Willie. [picks up a tape recorder as hears ALF's hiccups but Willie takes the tape recorder away from him]
    Willie: The speed's all off. You don't want that.
    Neal: Oh, hey, it's your old Clairmont High yearbook.
    Willie: Yeah. I know. Let's look at it later.
    Neal: You know, that's where I first met Margaret. Future Farmers.
    Willie: I know.
    Neal: Boy, that gal could really take down a steer.
    Willie: Funny what first attracts you to a woman. Let's, uh. Let's go look in the garage, eh?
    Neal: Willie, you gotta stop sometime. I only have a 1-bedroom apartment. [he and Willie go downstairs with a box]
    ALF: [gets up from under the bed] If he wasn't the brother of my meal ticket, I'd clean his clock!
    ALF: Maybe meeting Neal isn't such a good idea.
    Willie: It's gonna be fine.
    Lynn: ALF, you two are gonna get along great. He's a wonderful guy with a terrific sense of humor.
    ALF: I'm not gonna marry him, if that's what you're getting at.
    ALF: [gets out of the kitchen and meets Neal] Sorry. [Kate feels shocked] You must be Neal. I'm Gordon Shumway. Did I kill him?
    Neal: Oh, my God, you're for real.
    ALF: Yeah, yeah, let's get past this. I'm an alien and you're not.
    Neal: Wow. This is gonna take some time to sink in.
    ALF: Well, while you're in a daze, let me show you where your brother keeps his band saw.
    Neal: I'm being insulted by an alien from space.
    Willie: Get used to it.
    Neal: Uh, can I touch you?
    ALF: Not without dinner and a show.
    Neal: I have a million questions I wanna ask you.
    ALF: I'm sure. Keep them to yourself, huh? Now, enough of this small talk. Let's get down to business. I understand you're quite the cook.
    Neal: Do you eat like earthlings?
    ALF: Do I eat like earthlings? Willie, tell him.
    Willie: He eats. He doesn't chew.
    Neal: I don't know what to say. This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.
    ALF: Kate's right. Get a life.
    Kate: ALF.
    ALF: Well, he may as well know. I mean, we're all family now.
    [at the end, ALF and Neal are playing chess]
    Neal: So in other words, what you're saying is, except for having 8 stomachs you're really not special in any way.
    ALF: Oh, gee, thanks. Hey, are you gonna play, or are you gonna jabber on all night?
    Neal: Well, I thought you said this pointy guy could only move diagonally.
    ALF: Did I say that? Well, what I meant was it can only move diagonally, except when the move follows the taking of an odd number of the opponent's men from the board.
    Neal: Oh.
    ALF: You sure you've never played this game before?
    Neal: No, this is my first time.
    ALF: Good. Let's play for money. Gin. You owe me 1500 bucks.
    [Neal makes another moves one of the chess pieces as the episode ends]

### Live and Let Die [4.09]

    Willie: [comes in the kitchen] Kate, I have some very bad news.
    Kate: What is it?
    Willie: I found a cat outside by a fence. He's dead?
    Kate: Lucky? Oh no.
    ALF: So, what's the bad news?
    Willie: That was the bad news. Thank you for your concern.
    Kate: Well honey, what happened?
    Willie: Well, he must've died in his sleep. Apparently he was a lot older than the vet said he was. I wrapped him in a towel and put him in the garage.
    Kate: Poor Lucky.
    ALF: [after Lucky died] The Luck-meister is dead! This is indeed a very dark day for anyone who knew him, or chased him. Is the crock pot still under the sink?
    [the Tanners are outside the backyard having Lucky's funeral]
    Lynn: [praying for Lucky] Please take care of Lucky and let him be happy. Tell him we miss him. Amen.
    ALF: Lynn, that was indeed beautiful. I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before bed: "And if I die before I wake, chicken fry me like a steak."
    Kate: ALF!
    ALF: Hey, they were his words!
    Willie: Life is eternal and, love is immortal and death is but a horizon. [ALF blows his nose] What we return to the Earth, we receive back...tenfold. Tragic. A tragic waste.
    Kate: Wouldn't you like to say something, Bri?
    Brian: No.
    Kate: Honey. It might make you feel better if you say goodbye to him.
    Brian: Bye.
    ALF: Whoa. What a load off.
    Kate: Brian, it's okay if you don't wanna say anything, you don't have to.
    Brian: There's nothing I wanna say.
    Kate: Come on, Bri. Let's go inside. [she and Brian leave]
    ALF: [after Kate and Brian left] Funeral poopers!
    Willie: Don't you have any respect for people's feelings?
    ALF: Well, excuse me. But where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.
    Willie: Why don't you just, go inside with them.
    ALF: Why? I thought I'd help you bury the little patty melt.
    Willie: Not a chance. I'm gonna bury him in an undisclosed place.
    ALF: Well, can I at least put something in there with him?
    Willie: Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead. Just hurry up.
    ALF: This was Lucky's favorite toy. He loved the sound the little metal bell made. It wasn't exactly the deepest cat in the world. [jiggles to Lucky's toy]
    Willie: I'm sure that Lucky will treasure this.
    ALF: This would go well with a full-bodied Chianti.

### Break Up to Make Up [4.10]

    Willie: [checks the window revealing it's Neal] What on earth? [opens the door]
    Neal: [arrives at the Tanner's house wearing a toga] Hi, Willie. Hi, everyone. Hi, ALF. Happy anniversary.
    Lynn: Hi, Uncle Neal.
    Brian: Hi, Uncle Neal. Why are you dressed like a bed?
    Neal: ALF said it was a toga party.
    ALF: Shoot! That was the call I was supposed to make.
    Willie: I'll, uh, I'll get you something to put on.
    ALF: Or we could all wear sheets! [chanting] Lynn? To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!
    Lynn: [chanting] Fat chance! Fat chance! Fat chance!
    Neal: So where are the dogs?
    ALF: They're at the airport.
    Willie: I heard that. He's upset because Kate went to the airport to pick up her mother, and he's afraid that she's gonna spoil his party.
    Neal: Oh. What brings Dorothy to town?
    Willie: Oh, she and Whizzer had another fight. She flew out by herself.
    Neal: Aw, that's a shame. Another marriage flapping in shallow water. That's how I felt when Margaret dumped me.
    ALF: Oh great. My party's turning into a suicide watch.
    Willie: [checks the window revealing it's Whizzer] Well, it's Whizzer! [opens the door] Whizzer!
    Whizzer: [arrives at the Tanner's house house] Hi, Willie. Is Dorothy here?
    Willie: No, Kate just went to pick her up at the airport.
    Whizzer: I must have just missed them. Hi, Neal. Hi, Lynn.
    Lynn: Hi, Whizzer.
    Neal: Hi, Whizzer.
    Whizzer: I guess you heard.
    Willie: About your fight with Dorothy?
    Whizzer: The woman is impossible. Nothing I do seems to please her. I'm telling you, this thing has got me so worked up I don't know what to do anymore. I would have called, but, I've been a bundle of raw nerves ever since the argument. It's all I can do, is to keep myself from losing it altogether. I need a beer. [he leaves the living room to go to the kitchen]
    Willie: [stops Whizzer from going to the kitchen] No!
    Whizzer: Relax! I'll leave a buck on the counter, you cheapskate! Oh, I'm sorry. See what I mean? [he goes to the kitchen]
    Willie: S-stop!
    [Whizzer screams as he sees ALF in the kitchen, much to his horror]
    ALF: [pretending that he's a dog] Arf, arf. Would you believe "meow?"
    [Willie, Lynn, and Neal go to the kitchen to check on Whizzer after ALF scared him]
    [Whizzer is icing his head and still a bit surprised about ALF]
    Willie: How's your headache, Whizzer?
    Whizzer: It's getting better. You know, I always thought that "hitting the ceiling" was just an expression. Does he, uh, levitate, or cure people by touching them, or anything?
    Willie: You kidding? Can't even make his own bed.
    ALF: I can so! I just don't want to.
    Whizzer: You know, I've played a lot of clubs over the year, but, uh you're the third strangest things I've ever seen.
    ALF: Really? Does that include Kate?
    Neal: [comes out of the kitchen with a cup of water] Here you go, Whizzer. Drink this. Your pupils are dilating nicely.
    Whizzer: Thank you. So, ALF, uh. What have you done since you got here?
    ALF: Well, I, uh, uh, w.. I, uh. Uh, Willie?
    Willie: Oh, well, he, he eats a lot. Have I left anything out, ALF?
    Whizzer: This is incredible. First, my wife leaves me then I meet an alien. How many people can say that?
    ALF: [while he's seeing Dorothy and Whizzer kissing each other] Oh, gross! Now, I won't be able to eat for a week. [pause] Kate! Get in the kitchen and hose down your mother. Yuck!

### Happy Together [4.11]

    ALF: Imagine that. We could be neighbors with Spiro Agnew! Think about it. Don't you have a lot of questions?
    Willie: The only thing I have is an overwhelming desire to get the people you invited out of this house.
    ALF: Okay, okay. But don't let them leave before you get the prize. I feel it this time. You're gonna win us that Chevy Blazer.
    Willie: Nobody wins the Chevy Blazer.
    ALF: That's what R. L. Smith of South Carolina used to think.
    Willie: [on the phone] Yes, I'm canceling that appointment. Well, I don't feel that I have any use for a home flotation tank. I suppose I do sound like I could use one. Goodbye. [hangs up the phone]
    Kate: ALF, are you sure that's all the appointments you set up?
    ALF: Yeah, yeah. You know you just blew our shot at winning the round trip on the Fun Bus to Vegas?
    Willie: If I told you once, I told you a thousand times. You're not to invite salesmen into the house!
    ALF: Well, it is funny how that hasn't sunk in yet. Why do you suppose that is?
    Willie: Because you don't listen.
    ALF: No, that's not it.
    Willie: I have to punish you.
    ALF: Should I assume the position?
    Willie: Go to the attic until we decide what to do with you.
    ALF: No.
    Willie: No? What do you mean, no?
    ALF: I mean I'm not going. What do you think about that?
    Lynn: Ooh. Your turn, dad.
    Willie: As long as you're living under this roof, you'll do what we tell you to do!
    ALF: Well, in that case, I'm out of here. I'm hitting the bricks. I'm history, I'm vapor.
    Willie: Yeah, sure. We've heard that before.
    ALF: Yeah. Well, not another day under tyranny's heavy thumb. Goodbye, Willie. Goodbye, Kate. Goodbye, children. I think I shall miss you most of all. [leaves]
    Willie: Yeah. Okay, go. We'll warn you just before the automatic sprinklers go on.
    ALF: Don't bother. This time I mean it.
    Willie: If there's one thing that alien has learned in his time on Earth it's how to make an exit.
    ALF: [voiceover from outside, after leaving the Tanners] Oh, Lordie, Lordie. I'm free at last!
    Willie: See?
    ALF: [while he's alone outside] Oh. Well, that settles it. I am my own worst enemy. I could be watching Beauty and the Beast right now. What I wouldn't give to have a great setup in a sewer like that. Wait a minute. If I go back now, they'll never take me seriously. But they never did take me seriously. Why, I ought to. I'm out of here.
    Willie: [doorbells outside of Neal's apartment to pick up ALF] It's me, Willie.
    ALF: Oh, great. The fun police have arrived.
    Neal: [opens the door] Hey, Willie. You didn't have to come rushing over.
    Willie: I can't believe you'd run off like that. You know how worried we were? Neal, I'm sorry to burden you with our burden.
    Neal: Well, that's alright. Actually, we were having a good time. He's a pretty fun guy.
    ALF: Then you should see me in a dress. In a white wig I look exactly like Estelle Getty. I guess that's pretty obvious, though, huh?
    Willie: Come on, ALF, let's go. You're still not off the hook.
    ALF: Oh, yeah, the beating.
    Neal: Willie!
    Willie: Well, that's ridiculous. I never touched him.
    ALF: But you want to, don't you? Huh? Huh? Huh?
    Willie: Come on. Let's go.
    Neal: Willie, he's shaking.
    Willie: It's a ploy. Stop it.
    Neal: You know, Willie, it might not be so bad if you let ALF stay with me for a while. Give us a chance to get to know each other and Lord knows you two can use some time apart.
    Willie: I guess I could talk Kate into it. But, uh, you're gonna need a reliable fire extinguisher and fresh batteries for your smoke detector. You gotta put 911 on speed dialing. Trust me, you'll need the time. Make out your will and other than that, hey, have fun.
    Neal: Thanks, Willie.
    Willie: Lordy, lordy, I'm free at last. Don't hate me. [he leaves as ALF gets shocked]
    Neal: [arrives at his apartment and confronts ALF for all the mess he has done] Hi, ALF.
    ALF: Hi.
    Neal: Oh, ALF. I thought you were gonna clean up.
    ALF: I did. Nice of you to notice. That beer-can pyramid? Gone.
    Neal: Did you call the electrician about Apartment 16?
    ALF: You were serious about that? I thought you were kidding.
    Neal: Why would I be kidding about an electrician?
    ALF: I don't know. It didn't seem very funny to me, either. I'll do it tomorrow. Look, ALF, I don't wanna sound insensitive but it has been a week and I thought we agreed that while you were here you'd help out. Well, I'm following the spirit of that agreement. [yawns] Now I need a nap.
    [the doorbell rings]
    Neal: Quick, uh, go to the bathroom.
    ALF: Okay. Now what? Oh, chill out. I knew what you meant.
    [late at night, ALF is listening to Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti" very loudly]
    Neal: [loudly] ALF! ALF!
    ALF: Hey, Neal. Come on, let's party till the cows come home. By the way, when do they come home? I don't mind that they're out late what bothers me is they don't call.
    Neal: [turns off the music as he hears a knock on the wall] Oh, no! How long have the neighbors been banging on the walls?
    ALF: Well, my guess would be all night. And frankly, I find it annoying.
    Neal: ALF, about this roommate situation, I just don't-
    ALF: I know, I know, I'm a little out of control but that's because I'm young and foolhardy. I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
    Neal: I don't hate you! But you do have to learn a little consideration for other people!
    [the door knocks]
    Police Officer: [voiceover] Police officers. Would you open the door please?
    ALF: And you have the nerve to lecture me.
    [Kate and Willie get up in the middle of night to hear a strange noise]
    Kate: I'm sure I heard something. Honey, what if it's a burglar?
    Willie: Don't worry, honey. I've got the lamp.
    [Kate turns on the light as she and Willie got shocked that they find Neal sleeping in the living room]
    Neal: Oh. Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate.
    Willie: Neal, what are you doing here?
    Neal: I couldn't sleep at my house.
    Kate: ALF?
    Neal: Where?
    Willie: It's okay. It's-it's okay. You're with friends now.
    Neal: Willie, I tried. I tried reasoning. I asked nicely. How do you handle? How do you afford?
    Willie: Well, Kate's working now and we're on our third mortgage. We're desperately hoping that Lynn will marry well.
    Lynn: [gets up in the middle of the night and finds Neal] Hi, Uncle Neal. Are you okay?
    Willie: He will be. Just take deep breaths, Neal. That's what we always did at first.
    Neal: I mean, don't get me wrong. He's a nice little guy. We've actually had some nice conversations. [angrily] But I want him OUT OF MY HOUSE! [normal] I'm sorry. I haven't slept in 4 days. Or was it 9?
    Kate: Neal, calm down. Just relax.
    Lynn: Can I get you some coffee, a decaf?
    Neal: Maybe a glass of warm milk?
    Lynn: Okay.
    Neal: With a flex straw?
    Lynn: I'll see if we have any. [she heads to the kitchen]
    Neal: Willie, it's awful. I don't know if he does these things on purpose or what!
    Willie: Oh. He does. We just haven't been able to prove it. Neal, why don't you do something about it?
    Neal: I'll be right behind you when you tell him.
    Willie: Why should I tell him?
    Neal: Because you know how I hate confrontation.
    Willie: Neal, it's time you started to assert yourself. Stop letting people walk all over you.
    Kate: You know, sometimes true bonding comes after great crisis. Maybe-
    Willie: Kate, give it up. It's over.
    Kate: Just when I started to dream in color again.
    [at the end, ALF arrives home while the Tanners are having breakfast]
    ALF: Come on, guys, I'm back. Let's party. Hey, you, legs. Get me a brewski.
    Lynn: It's Lynn, ALF, and sorry you're not at Uncle Neal's anymore.
    ALF: Oh, yeah. I'm home. Or as I affectionately refer to it, the gulag.
    Willie: Speaking of which I believe you still have a punishment to work out.
    ALF: Oh, you're not still on that.
    Willie: Attic. Now.
    ALF: But, Willie.
    Willie: Now!
    ALF: But I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. Don't hate me because I'm-
    Willie: Attic!
    ALF: Tough house.
    [as the Tanners are satisfied about ALF's punishment, ALF heads to the attic and grounds himself as the episode ends]

### Fever [4.12]

    [the Tanners quickly head to the kitchen as a storm hit]
    Kate: Well, do we have everything? Hamburgers, paper plates.
    Lynn: I've got the vegetables and the potato salad.
    Brian: I've got the buns and the coleslaw.
    ALF: That's everything, Kate.
    Kate: Why do I get the feeling we forgot something?
    ALF: Nope. That's everything.
    Kate: [hears a strange noise from outside] Willie!
    ALF: Oh, yeah. He's pinned underneath the grill. I didn't want to embarrass him by drawing undue attention to it.
    Kate: [as Willie comes inside, wet] Oh, honey! You're drenched!
    Willie: Really? I hadn't noticed. I was too busy flailing.
    Kate: Are you alright?
    Willie: Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine. No thanks to...
    ALF: Oh, this is my fault.
    Willie: Did you or did you not knock the barbecue over on me when you were running into the house?
    ALF: Oh, that. That was my fault.
    Kate: Willie, get out of those clothes right away. Before you catch a cold. You too, kids.
    Lynn and Brian: [as they both leave] Okay.
    Willie: You don't catch cold from going out in the rain, Kate. That's an old wives' tale.
    ALF: Hence Kate's knowledge of it.
    Kate: There's a reason old wives get to be old wives. They stay warm and dry.
    Willie: No, I was just reading an article about that in one of my scientific journals. It said that volunteers who were subjected to rapid temperature changes and cold water did not catch cold. [sneezes]
    ALF: Gesundheit.
    Kate: I told you, honey. You're catching a cold.
    Willie: No! Nonsense, Kate. One sneeze does not a cold make. [sneezes]
    ALF: Just out of curiosity how many sneezes does a cold make?
    [Willie is in his room sick while Kate gives him soup]
    Kate: Have some soup. You'll feel better.
    Willie: Thanks. I really appreciate the way you've been putting up with me.
    Kate: Oh, you can't help it. You're a man.
    Willie: I'll just ignore that. But thanks, though. I have enjoyed the peace and quiet.
    ALF: Yo! Willie!
    Willie: When I could get it.
    Kate: I'll get you some more tissues.
    ALF: Willie, you're a whiter shade of pale.
    Willie: As a matter of fact, I'm feeling a lot better.
    ALF: Oh, good! You could have taken a turn for the worse. Developed pneumonia, ended up in box city Left us with nothing but Kate's shaky career in real estate.
    Kate: Does the phrase "thin ice" mean anything to you?
    ALF: No.
    Willie: You know, I think I ought to call the office. Maybe I could squeeze in a half a day.
    Kate: No. No, you need your rest. You stay right where you are.
    ALF: Really? I mean, you get to lie around all day, eat, watch TV. How many people get to do that? [pause] I said "people." [sneezes]
    Kate: What was that?
    ALF: What was what?
    Willie: You sneezed.
    ALF: I did not. [sneezes two times]
    Willie: [to ALF, after he sneezed] I think you've caught my cold!
    ALF: Impossible. I told you before, Melmacians never get sick. Only inferior, backwards species get sick. [pause] No offense.
    Kate: Just to be on the safe side, you better go upstairs and lie down.
    ALF: Okay, but I'll need the microwave, the TV, the VCR, and Police Academies 1, 2, 3, and 6. [pause] 4 and 5 lacked the pathos and emotional underpinnings of the others.
    [2 days later, ALF is still sick]
    Kate: [as she and Willie check on ALF] Here are the books you wanted ALF.
    Willie: How are you feeling?
    ALF: Like someone stuffed gerbils up my nose!
    Kate: You sound awful.
    Willie: Nice touch, ALF. Don't encourage him.
    Kate: Willie.
    ALF: But I really am feeling worse!
    Willie: My cold ran its course in a week. Isn't it interesting that yours is hanging on so long?
    ALF: Look at this nose, Willie. There's enough room in there for the viruses to start their own republic. In fact, I think I hear their vice president speaking. [he blows his nose]
    Kate: [as she felt ALF's head] Feel his head, Willie.
    Willie: [as he felt ALF's head] He's not.. Oh, my, my, he, he is. He's burning up.
    ALF: Actually, I'm having a cold flash right now.
    Willie: I'm sorry, ALF. I feel terrible.
    ALF: I wish I felt that good.
    Kate: I'll get you some lunch. [she heads to the kitchen while Willie checks on ALF, Willie quickly follows her]
    [at the end, the Tanners host a barbeque]
    Kate: Alright. You take the coleslaw. I'll take the salad.
    Willie: Today, we finally get to use our backyard blitzer.
    ALF: [from outside as the barbeque is on fire] I got the barbeque lit! Specifically, the wheels!
    [Kate and Willie run outside to catch ALF as the episode ends]

### It's My Party [4.13]

    Willie: [answers the phone] Hello?
    ALF: [on the phone in the kitchen] Make it a luau.
    Willie: ALF? Where are you?
    ALF: In the kitchen. Did you know there's a number you can dial that makes your own phone ring? Groovy, huh?
    Willie: What do you want?
    ALF: Be smart, Willie. Think luau. [hangs up the phone]
    Kate: It's happening! He's going to ruin everything!
    ALF: [from the attic as rain is falling] Oh no! Raindrops are falling on my pig!
    Willie: [dries up ALF with a towel after he saw him fall past the window] I can't believe you'd pull a stunt like that. Does it hurt very much?
    ALF: Only when I burp. [burps] Ow!
    Willie: Why did you ever leave the attic? Because you lied, you, you liar. [burps] Ow! Oh, it hurts so bad.
    ALF: I never lied to you.
    Willie: Yes, you did.
    ALF: You said I could have leftovers. There won't be any. You said I could watch the party. You moved it inside.
    Willie: Well, how was I supposed to know it was gonna rain?
    ALF: A good host would know.
    Willie: Listen, we made a deal. I expect you to live up to it. Now, you stay here right here in the shed and don't move or you get nothing. That's non-negotiable!
    ALF: Yes, sir.
    Willie: Good. [leaves]
    ALF: He never learns. [burps] Ow! Ow! Ow!
    [Willie ties ALF outside after he caught him from dancing]
    ALF: Willie, it's not my fault. It was that devil music, it called to me. Suddenly, I was burning with passion, desperately looking for a carbon maranda hat. The kind of fruit?
    Willie: Uh-huh! You can't be trusted pal. This is for your own good.
    ALF: Ha! There isn't a garbage shed in the town that could hold me. [after Willie leaves, he hums conga music, and then burps] Ow!

### Make 'em Laugh [4.14]

    [ALF is at the attic writing a story]
    Willie: ALF! It's 1:00 in the morning!
    ALF: Not now, not now.
    Willie: Are you gonna type all night?
    ALF: Look, while you're here, let me run some very hip jokes by you. When I'm done, there won't be a dry seat in the house.
    Willie: There's a challenge I never thought I'd face. Okay, let's get this over with.
    ALF: Good, you're psyched. Anyone here ever been to a fast-food restaurant? On Melmac, they were the worst. You'd ask for extra crispy. They'd bring you a cat with arthritis! [laughs]
    Willie: ALF, take my advice. Don't quit your day job. Which, in your case, is just an expression.
    ALF: Yeah. Like he knows anything about comedy. Mr. "Oh, here's a humorous paradox I read about in Scientific American." I'm funny. I am. I could be a comic. I am funny. I really am!
    ALF: [dreaming as a comedian] Anyone here have been to a fast food restaurant? On Melmac, they were the worst. You ask for extra crispy, they give you a cat with a tritest. [crowd laughs] You know about the Melmacian National Library burning down? They lost both books. [crowd laughs] And the second one wasn't even colored in yet! [everyone claps]
    [Raquel doorbells from outside]
    ALF: When will it all stop? I need my rest.
    Brian: ALF, do we have to go into the kitchen?
    Willie: You know the rules son.
    Lynn: It's Mrs. Ochmonek.
    ALF: Stay.
    Raquel: Where have you been keeping him? [runs up to ALF] There he is! [laughs] I laugh just looking at you.
    ALF: Yeah, same back at you.
    Raquel: [laughs] Mr. Shumway, would you be willing to come over and meet my bridge club? They all adore you.
    ALF: Look, any other time, I would have said "yes." But I have a life now.
    Raquel: [laughs] I love this funny man. Well, would you at least autograph a picture for me?
    ALF: Brian! I don't do my own autographs. But I will touch the photo. [Brian gives Raquel a photo]
    Raquel: Well, I'd better get back. Thank you, Mr. Shumway.
    ALF: Yeah. You're welcome. Check her for money and get her out of here.
    Raquel: [laughs] He ad-libbed for me! [laughs] Oh, I hope to see you around. Save me a fur ball. [leaves the house]
    ALF: Well, I'm off to the track. I thought I'd fritter away some more of my money. [laughs]
    Kate: But what about the, lifetime achievement award you're being given tonight? Shouldn't you be working on your acceptance speech?
    ALF: I'll wing it. Oh, and sorry I didn't invite you to the ceremony. But you know why that is.
    Willie: Because once, we said you weren't funny.
    ALF: That's right. Now, you know where you belong.
    Willie and Kate: The attic.
    ALF: And don't touch my things!
    [Willie and Kate head to the attic]
    ALF: [talking from his dream as he wakes up] I was funny, I was funny, I was funny.
    Willie: [he and Kate come in the attic] ALF!
    ALF: Whoa!
    Willie: You're alright?
    ALF: Oh, Willie, I had a nightmare. I was a stand up comic and I had to clean up vomit! Listen, I've decided not to be a comedian. I hope you're not too disappointed.
    Willie: Oh, we dealt with you giving up Dirty Dancing. I think we can deal with this.
    ALF: Thanks. I just realized I'm too pretty to be funny. I envy you Kate.
    Kate: Thanks, AL.
    ALF: What?
    Kate: You heard me. Breakfast will be ready in 15 minutes. [leaves the attic]
    Willie: [does do some kung fu moves] Because you must be STARVING, STRAVING! [ALF freaks out] Hurry up because Eric in Charge is on!
    ALF: No! [wakes up from his real dream] No, no! Whoa! Whew! Well at least Woody Allen liked me. I'm getting out of comedy. Think I'll be a plate spinner. Yeah.

### Love on the Rocks [4.15]

    Lynn: [while practicing for a play] You will all be glad to see me burn, but if I go through the fire, I shall go through it to their hearts, forever and ever. And so, God be with me.
    ALF: Not bad. Do it again. And this time, try to show a little leg.
    Lynn: ALF, I'm auditioning for Joan of Arc. I don't really think that would be appropriate. Just tell me if I've got the lines right.
    ALF: Okay, but I'm telling you, it would be a lot funnier if you were holding a rubber chicken.
    Lynn: It's not a comedy.
    ALF: Well, not the way you're doing it. Hey, I've got a great idea! When they strike the first torch grab your big toe and hop around yelling, hot foot, hot foot!
    Lynn: I'm tied to a stake!
    ALF: You're tied to a piece of meat and you don't see the humor in that?
    Lynn: No.
    ALF: Well, then you might want to consider a couple of well placed tassels.
    ALF: [while eating popcorn and watching TV] I'll, do us all a favor. Take 20 bucks out and get your tooth cleaned.[the phone rings and he answers it] Hello. Oh, hi, Neal. What's up, dude?
    Neal: Yeah, is Willie there? Anybody? Darn, we're so excited about our news and there's nobody to tell.
    ALF: Oh, then let me find someone. Hello? You're the guy with the news, huh?
    Neal: Sorry, ALF. Margaret and I are getting married.
    ALF: What?!
    Neal: Yeah! We're driving to Vegas to tie the knot.
    ALF: But, Neal.
    Margaret: [offscreen] Honey?
    Neal: Listen, I gotta go. Tell everybody the good news for me, okay? Bye. [hangs up]
    ALF: But, Neal, wait! Don't- hang up. This had to happen on my watch. Do I sit by and do nothing or risk all and save the poor schlub? Well, it is Vegas. And there is that sock of quarters Brian's been saving.
    ALF: [pops his head up and becomes nosy during Neal's date] You really stepped in it this time, Neal.
    Neal: Have you gone crazy? What are you doing here?
    ALF: I came to see Rickles. I came to stop you from making the biggest mistake of your life. Again.
    Neal: Do Willie and Kate know you're here?
    ALF: Yeah, yeah. I had a hall pass. My dog ate it.
    Neal: Look, ALF, I appreciate your concern. But this is none of your business.
    ALF: I wanna do this. Well, if I were a strict Freudian, I'd say your forays into oncoming traffic belay a deep underlying scarediness.
    Neal: You picked up on that, huh?
    ALF: What are you thinking about, man?
    Neal: Well, we were., in the throes of, well, reuniting, and-
    ALF: Whoa! Stop. Stop. Stop, stop.
    Neal: Why am I doubting myself?
    ALF: Could it be because your blood's on its way back to your brain?
    Neal: What am I doing? I'm just gonna go in there and put this happiest day of my life behind me.
    ALF: Oh, will you forget Margaret! We're in the most exciting city in Nevada. Donny Osmond's opening for Morey Amsterdam. We could go to the Liberace museum. Or look for a free breakfast. [Neal leaves his car] There's so much to do. And me without clothes.
    Minister: [while reading Neal and Margaret's certificate] It always warms my heart to see two people so madly in love. Now, the basic wedding is $45. The videotape, the flowers, and the rice, that's an extra 75. We offer an Elvis witness for $50 or the fat Elvis for 35. So?
    Neal: Uh, just the basic wedding. Were those guys ever a bad investment.
    Minister: We are gathered here to join Neal Tanner and Margaret Tanner. Wh- are you two first cousins? 'Cause you're gonna have to go to Texas for that.
    Margaret: No. It's a long story. With a happy ending, right, Neal?
    Neal: Uh, I know this is inappropriate, but, uh, I'll be right back.
    Margaret: Is something wrong, honey?
    Neal: Uh, no, I'm, uh, I'm fine. I just, uh, need to run to the restroom and, uh, throw myself a quick bachelor party. [leaves the wedding]

### True Colors [4.16]

    Lynn: [comes out of the hallway with her painting] Hi.
    Kate: Hi, Lynnie. How's the painting coming?
    Lynn: Be honest. What do you think?
    ALF: Sorry, babe. It doesn't speak to me. Next.
    Willie: I, I think it's very nice. It looks good enough to eat.
    Lynn: So you didn't get the conflicting disharmony between man and nature?
    Willie: I have to be honest, Lynn. Uh, I'm afraid all I see is a very happy pear.
    ALF: Lynn, a word to the wise. Forget art! Stick with plan A: Throw yourself at the first rich man to come along.
    Lynn: ALF. This class means a lot to me. It's being taught by a very respected artist in residence.
    ALF: What, he couldn't afford a place of his own?
    Lynn: It means that he's...
    ALF: I know what it means. You know, I happen to have a nodding acquaintance with painting myself.
    Willie: I've seen you paint yourself many times.
    ALF: Go ahead, mock me. But I was quite the artist in my time. I could paint any canvas any color for $29.95. No ups, no extras.
    Willie: You know, I just had a thought. Perhaps if you were to rekindle your interest in art it might be a less destructive and costly way for you to spend your idle hours.
    Kate: You know, the ones between waking up and falling asleep.
    ALF: Oh, [laughs] Courtesy laugh. Willie, I accept your offer. So, Kate, ever done any nude modeling? Talk about a conflicting disharmony between man and nature.
    Mr. Reuben: Hi, Lynn.
    Lynn Hi, Mr. Reuben.
    Mr. Reuben: You keep a neat work area.
    Lynn Thank you.
    Mr. Reuben: Do you perchance have anything to show me?
    Lynn I make it a point never to follow children or nudes.
    Mr. Reuben: Oh, Lynn. Let's have a look-see. [he opens up Lynn's portfolio]
    Lynn: Mr. Reuben, I can explain! Well, not without stretching reality, but I can. See...
    Mr. Reuben: Class, class..
    Lynn: [shocked] Oh, no.
    Mr. Reuben: I want you to see something. [the class looks at Lynn's project] What do you think?
    Lynn: I'll tell you what you think. In my defense, Mr. Reuben. I think I should tell you this is a mistake.
    Mr. Reuben: No, no, no, Lynn. There are no mistakes. I am seeing a side of you that I have never seen before. And it's brave. Raw, but inspired. Very good work.
    Lynn: Actually, I was a little more fond of, of this. [shows the class her other painting]
    [the class disagrees with her other painting]
    Mr. Reuben: No, that we put in a model home in the Valley. But this? This speaks from your soul. Is this spinach fettuccine?
    Lynn: Yes.
    Mr. Reuben: Lynn, you've made great strides here. You have combined the stylistic elements of Pollock, Rauschenberg, Jasper Johns.
    Lynn: Chef Boyardee.
    Mr. Reuben: Toadies. I love them.
    [the class laughs much to Lynn's embarrassment]
    Lynn: [angrily comes home from school and confronts ALF for ruining her project] You are in big trouble, mister! You've got a lot of explaining to do!
    ALF: Oh, Willie, Willie. You're a constant disappointment to Kate and me.
    Lynn: Do you know what he did? He stuffed his painting in my portfolio thinking somehow Mr. Reuben would critique it before I could find it.
    Kate: Oh, that was an awfully stupid plan, ALF.
    Lynn: That's what I thought at first.
    ALF: It worked. I knew it! I knew watching The Brady Bunch wasn't a waste of time! What did he have to say? Huh, huh, huh?
    Lynn: Oh, great. The fun part. Now I get to tell him.
    ALF: I knew it. He hated it. Excuse me while I open a vein.
    Lynn: Wait, ALF, before you make a mess the truth is he liked it. He said it was brave, raw, and inspired.
    ALF: Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! My day and a half of suffering has paid off.
    Willie: You mean it's possible that this could truly be a work of art?
    ALF: And so the breakdown of human civilization begins.
    Lynn: This is horrible. Mr. Reuben thinks I have talent. What am I going to do?
    ALF: Oh, how do you get yourself into these things?
    Lynn: What you did was thoughtless, selfish, and egotistical! [leaves angrily]
    ALF: You spend your life raising them and this is the thanks you get.

### Gimme That Old Time Religion [4.17]

    Willie: I don't know what to get your mother for our anniversary. After 22 years of marriage, what can I possibly get her that would really make her happy?
    Lynn: You could always drop ALF off in the desert.
    Willie: No, wouldn't want to waste that on anything less than our 25th.
    Brian: [reading the first question] Question #1. What's the kindest thing that you can do for someone else?
    ALF: Burp down wind.
    Willie: He's right. It says, "He who burps down wind can party with me anytime."

### Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades [4.18]

    ALF: [arrives at the kitchen while the family is having breakfast] Oh. Hi, everybody.
    Lynn: Morning.
    Willie: Morning, ALF. How are you this fine Saturday morning?
    ALF: Alright. I'll be better once I have some coffee and we talk about death.
    Willie: Death?
    ALF: I believe it was Nietzsche who put it best. "Life is short. And when it ends we crumble and stink like an overripe blue cheese."
    Brian: What's he talking about?
    ALF: I found some pictures of you guys taken before my arrival. Notice anything obvious?
    Willie: Besides being incredibly happy?
    ALF: Actually, what struck me is how much you've aged. Especially you, Kate. I still have 400 years ahead of me. What am I gonna do when you guys move in with the dirt people?
    Kate: Well, we hadn't really thought about it. Uh, I suppose you'll move in with Lynn.
    Lynn: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. This is the first I've heard of this.
    ALF: B?
    Brian: I'm sorry, ALF, but I just can't commit.
    ALF: I see. And so it starts.
    [at the end, the family arrives home]
    Lynn: ALF, I hope you realize we'd never do any of those things. And thanks for having such a high opinion of us.
    Brian: ALF, I know you're really worried, and you have every right to be, but just tell me one thing. Did I have all my hair?
    ALF: Your hair was the least of your problems.
    Kate: ALF, no matter what happens as long as you have to stay hidden we'll always make provisions for you.
    ALF: Prove it. Put the house in my name.

### When I'm 64 [4.19]

    Willie: [on the phone] Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. [hangs up the phone] Well, congratulate me, I just managed to finagle reservations for 2 at Emilio's. How does that sound, honey?
    ALF: Sounds good to me, sweetie.
    Kate: That is wonderful, Willie.
    ALF: What, is she coming too? I thought this was gonna be our night!
    Willie: Oh, for heaven's sake, ALF, it's Valentine's Day. Kate and I are looking forward to spending an evening alone together. It's, it's what keeps us from becoming bitter.
    ALF: I'll just spend Valentine's Day alone. Without romance, without love, without two bodies beyond rational thought. [sighs] Oh, sorry. I'm back. Anyone call while I was gone?
    ALF: [while standing outside of a retirement home] Oh, wow! This could be Louise's window. That could be her nightstand. Those could be her teeth! Just my luck. She's not in them.

### Mr. Sandman [4.20]

    [the family is looking at some gold mining equipment]
    Lynn: This is all Aunt Pat left you? A box of junk?
    Willie: This isn't junk. These are things that belonged to your great-great-grandfather.
    Lynn: Looks like a box of old tools.
    Willie: It's turn-of-the-century mining equipment.
    Kate: Old, obsolete tools.
    ALF: Just think, Lynn. Someday all this will be yours.
    Willie: Come on. This is part of our ancestral heritage. You can't put a dollar value on something like that.
    ALF: I can. 2 bucks.
    Willie: My great grandfather, Silas Tanner was a pioneer. He was an adventurer. The last 4 years of his life, he prospected for gold.
    ALF: You know, my great uncle Louie Louie was a prospector. He started the Great Foam Rush of aught 8.
    Kate: Foam?
    ALF: Our whole monetary system was based on the foam standard. Louie Louie became very stupid.
    Kate: So it runs in the family.
    ALF: Oh, ha, ha. For your information, on Melmac, stupid was slang for someone who was rich.
    Willie: Well, I guess we'll never know how stupid my great grandfather was. He died in 1897, and this is all I have left of his legacy.
    Lynn: Look what I found in the canteen.
    Willie: What? Look. It's a map. There's an X on it.
    ALF: It's a treasure map. Gadzooks! We're going to be stupid!
    ALF: [while digging for treasure] Give up. He must be mad. Mad, I tell me, mad! No one's gonna cheat me out of my right to someone else's legacy. [feels something hard with a shovel] Hey, what's this? Wooden planks! Yes! Yes! I found the treasure! I'm, I'm going to be stupid! [laughs and then yells as he falls down to the water]
    Willie: ALF. ALF, where are you?
    ALF: [from underground] Down here.
    Willie: What happened?
    ALF: [from underground] I was looking for gold, but all I found was this ice-cold Jacuzzi instead. I'm drowning. Get me out of here.
    Willie: I-I'll go tear one of the sleeping bags into a rope. I'll be right back. Don't go away.
    ALF: [from underground] I'll try not to wander off. Just my luck I fall down a well there's no townspeople around to fight over the movie rights.

### Stayin' Alive [4.21]

    Brian: And these pictures of Earth were taken from space?
    ALF: Yeah. By satellite. See that guy waving? That's your dad.
    Brian: Really? [ALF laughs] What's that? Gotcha! It took me 4 years and I finally got you.
    ALF: What can I say? You've learned well, Grasshopper. Congratulations. Ha! What a maroon!
    ALF: [reading a letter] "Dear Sendrax. You should stop making CFC's because as Gordon Shumway says there's no zone like the ozone. Much love, Marvin Hamlisch."

### Hungry Like the Wolf [4.22]

    Kate: ALF, if you're really serious about losing weight, you're gonna have to start exercising regularly and eating less.
    ALF: Well, what if I just gave up eating your cooking?
    ALF: [acting like a wolf] Silence, suburban ones. You scare prey from hunting ground.

### I Gotta Be Me [4.23]

    ALF: You know, I don't understand why Lynn didn't just lie.
    Willie: Well, maybe that's your way, ALF but not everybody's like that.
    ALF: Well, it's a curse. Fortunately, I have the boyish charm to pull it off.
    ALF: Lynn's probably so relaxed she'll have to be wheeled in.

### Consider Me Gone [4.24]

    ALF: [reading his stick] 4 years and they give me a stick.
    [last scene of the series]
    Kate: It's a fine night to leave the galaxy.
    ALF: Does anyone know what poison oak looks like?
    Lynn: Why is this so heavy? [opens the box] Isn't this our VCR?
    ALF: Oh, is it? Ha. You know, I couldn't remember whether I bought that or if you guys, uh. Keep it. I insist.
    Willie: As I recall, you only had 2 suitcases when you got here. What's in these boxes, anyway?
    Lynn: [as she hears a noise from the sky] ALF, your ride's here.
    [Brian hugs ALF, Kate gives ALF a kiss, and Lynn hugs ALF while his ride arrives to pick him up]
    Willie: Safe home, my friend.
    ALF: No problem, we'll be going against traffic.
    [a light shines on ALF]
    Willie: ALF! Someone's coming! Get back here!
    [a group of vans come]
    ALF: What! [whimpers] Uh oh! Wait! Wait! Don't leave me!
    [the Alien Task Force agents arrive]
    Brian: ALF! Dad, do something!
    Agent: Stay right where you are!
    ALF: Uh, hey guys. Want to grab a Burski? How about those Lakers, huh? This is my luck, I'm a sports fan among you.
    [the final episode ends while the Alien Task Force agents surround ALF]