# ALF (season 2)

    Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main
ALF is an American sitcom that aired on NBC. The title character is Gordon Shumway, a sarcastic, friendly extraterrestrial nicknamed ALF (an acronym for Alien Life Form), who crash-lands in the garage of the suburban middle-class Tanner family.

## Episodes
### Working My Way Back to You [2.01]

    [ALF is showing Brian how to play Skleenball]
    ALF: The game of Skleenball is very simple, Brian. You just sling your anchovies into your opponent's laundry basket. Aw, missed!
    Brian: Do we get to eat the anchovies after the game?
    ALF: No! Does Marvin Haggler eat his trunks after a fight?
    Kate: [comes in] Okay, who dumped my clean laundry on the floor?
    ALF: Brian.
    Brian: Well, ALF told me to and then we can play skleenball.
    ALF: It's not nice to rat on your friends.
    Kate: What's skleenball?
    ALF A picture's worth a thousand words.
    [the picture frame falls down]
    Kate: That picture was worth a thousand dollars.
    ALF: Well, maybe the frame makes it look cheap.
    Kate: [picks up the ripped picture frame] I am tired of your breaking things. If this happens once more, you will be living in the garage.
    ALF: From now on, I'll treat this house as if it were my own.
    Kate: Treat it as if it were my house, and don't break anything! [goes inside the kitchen with the ripped picture frame] Cheap frame! [feels the ripped piece from the picture frame] I guess it can be repaired.
    ALF: [voiceover] Heads up! [he rips another piece on the picture frame and Kate looks at ALF] Oops.
    [Kate turns on the lights and finds out that the living room is empty]
    Kate: Willie! Willie!
    Willie: Our furniture!
    Kate: We've been robbed!
    Willie: Wishful thinking.
    [Willie and Kate come to the garage and find out that ALF took most of the furniture from the house as Willie turns off the radio that ALF is listening to]
    ALF: Oh, hi. Oh a housewarming gift, how nice. [he takes the pillow but Willie takes it away from him]
    Kate: Who told you could bring this furniture out here?
    ALF: Willie.
    Willie: I did not!
    ALF: You said I could bring something from the house.
    Willie: I said something. Not everything! In all fairness, you did not make that point clear.
    Kate: He did bring everything.
    ALF: Well, I didn't take that hideous Statue of Liberty clock.
    Kate: That clock was a gift from my mother.
    ALF: Did I say hideous? I meant lovely. As lovely as your mother. [microwave dings] That must be the microwave. Brisket anyone?
    Kate: FORGET THE BRISKET! ALF, I want you to take everything back into the house tonight. And I emphasize the word everything!
    Willie: And I emphasize the word TONIGHT!
    Kate: And if you don't, you will be living out here permanently!
    ALF: I noticed you emphasized the word permanently. Wait, don't go! Please can we sit down and talk this out just give me 1 minute.
    Kate: Alright, fine. Yes, you have 1 minute.
    ALF: Thank you. Hey Willie, don't sit there, that's my chair.
    Willie: That was my chair on the house.
    ALF: Well, we're not in the house.
    Kate: 40 seconds.
    ALF: Well that's not fair! Willie talk to penalize him.
    Kate: 35.
    ALF: What are you mission control?
    Kate: 30.
    ALF: 30 seconds, I just had a minute half a minute ago.
    Kate: Forget the minute! Just say what you have to say!
    ALF: Uh, uh. No! No! I need human companionship! I don't know how I ever got along without it, but now I'm hooked. I'm a people junkie. Please don't go.
    Willie: Oh, you go ahead Kate. I'll sit on here with him for a while.
    Kate: Willie, what are you doing?
    Willie: It seems like he really misses us.
    ALF: I do, I do, I do.
    Kate: Willie, he's got our furniture, and our brisket now he's after us!
    Willie: Oh, you're right, of course. You're right. You're staying in the garage without us, and without our brisket!
    Kate: Good night, ALF.
    ALF: Kate, wait please! Give me another chance I know I could change just let me move back inside for 1 week and I'll prove it to you. I'll be on my best behavior!
    Kate: What if during this week you don't change?
    ALF: Then, Willie and I will move out here for good.
    Kate: Alright you've got a deal.
    Willie: Kate! I don't want to move out here.
    Kate: Oh, I did mean that was part of- The deal is you stay in the house for 1 week, but if you mess up, you're history.
    ALF: Hey, no problem! [the flower vase breaks] The week hasn't started yet, right?
    Trevor: Hi Tanner, who painted your fence? It looks great!
    Willie: I don't what you're talking about. [walks over to the window] Wow! That looks great.
    Trevor: So who painted it?
    Willie: Uhhh.
    Lynn: Happy birthday, Dad.
    Trevor: Oh, it's your birthday present. I hope I didn't ruin the surprise.
    Willie: No, I was going to look out the window soon, anyway.
    Trevor: So, how old are you?
    Willie: I'll be 45 in August.
    Trevor: That's 6 months away. It ain't your birthday. You just had your fence painted to keep up with the Ochmonek's. Well I'm not gonna tell you where I brought my fluorescent flamingos.
    Willie: We blew it.
    Trevor: Hey, Kate, great looking breakfast.
    Brian: Mom didn't make it.
    Trevor: Who did?
    Brian: Our manservant.
    Trevor: You got a manservant?
    Willie: Just for the week.
    Trevor: Do me a favor. Don't mention it to Raquel.
    Kate: You have our word.
    Trevor: Thanks, she went ape when she found out you had a vacuum cleaner. Hey, listen. Have jeeves, give me a jingle. I might want him to paint my flamingos. [he gets a banana and leaves the house]
    Willie: Will do.
    ALF: [as he is preparing the table] 6:13, 1 minute to go Luck Meister. Then, I'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut wagon. The duck a l'Orange is ready. Have some wine, it'll slow down your reflexes. [while staring at the burned turkey in the oven] Zut alors, the gas is on. I forgot to light the oven. Oh well, better late than never. [Lucky jumps off the window counter as ALF flies off to the living room when he blows up the kitchen, then ALF is sitting on the floor after the explosion] Well, I guess we'll have to order in.

### The Ballad of Gilligan's Island [2.02]

    Kate: [comes in the kitchen] Willie, there's something wrong with the bathtub.
    Willie: It's probably clogged with ALF's hair again. He refuses to vacuum himself before he takes a bath.
    Kate: No, it's the faucet. There's no water coming out.
    Willie: There's no water here either.
    ALF: [outside] Hey, could you turn that off? I'm losing pressure out here.
    Willie: Say, what exactly are you doing out there?
    ALF: It's a surprise.
    Willie: He said surprise.
    Kate: The dreaded "s" word.
    Willie: ALF, what are you?
    ALF: Watch out Willie, it's a little slippery.
    Willie: [from outside] Whoa! [falls into the lagoon]
    ALF: Surprise! Well, what do you think?
    Kate: I don't believe it!
    ALF: Willie's swimming in the lagoon I built. It's just like the one on Gilligan's Island. From now on, life around here will be much more exciting. [Willie screams] See, it's exciting already.
    Willie: How would you like to be buried at sea?
    ALF: You're not happy about this, are you?
    Kate: Just tell us why you did it.
    ALF: It was Willie's idea.
    Willie: What?
    ALF: Don't try to worm your way out of this one. You said we'd build a lagoon.
    Willie: I said we'd build a little lagoon, not the Great Tanner Reef!
    ALF: Okay, I misunderstood. I'm sorry. I made a boo-boo.
    Willie: A boo-boo? [pause] I want my yard back the way it was. I want trees I can trim. I want grass I can mow. [angrily] NO WATER, NO HUT! AND YOU ARE GONNA STAY RIGHT HERE UNTIL I GET IT! Have I made myself clear?
    ALF: What? Are you talking to me?
    ALF: [wakes up and discovers he's on Gilligan's Island] I must have slept through the night. Hey, where's my shovel? Where's my house?
    Gilligan: Skipper, Skipper, can I fish too?
    ALF: It's Gilligan, the Skipper, too.
    Skipper: Shhhh! Gilligan, you scare the fish. Owww!
    Gilligan: Shhhh! You scare the fish.
    ALF: I'm here on Gilligan's isle!
    ALF: Gilligan's Island. I'm in rerun heaven.
    Gilligan: Bet I catch a big one.
    Skipper: [hat flies off] Gilligan!
    Gilligan: Skipper, what happened to your hat?
    Skipper: You're using it for bait.
    [ALF gasps]
    Gilligan: I'll get it back to you, Skipper, don't worry. [puts on Skipper's hat for him and water comes out]
    Skipper: Gilligan! You idiot!
    ALF: [laughs] You guys are hilarious. Encore, encore, ya!
    Skipper: Who are you?
    ALF: I'm ALF, your biggest fan. I worship the sand you walk on. [walks off]
    Skipper: Where did you come from?
    ALF: Melmac.
    Gilligan: Melmac, is that anywhere near Bora Bora?
    ALF: Ha! You guys never stop. Hey, where are the others?
    Skipper: What others?
    ALF: You know.
    Skipper: Hey, wait a minute. How do you know about all of us?
    Gilligan: Hey, wait a minute. How do you know about all of us?
    Skipper: I just said that, Gilligan.
    Gilligan: I thought it sounded familiar. [hat thump]
    ALF: [laughs] Oh I never get tired of that. [laughs]
    Gilligan: I get tired of it.
    Mary Ann: [arrives] Gilligan! Skipper! Oh, lunch is ready. I see we have another visitor.
    ALF: It's Mary Ann. And lunch. 2 of my favorite things.
    Gilligan: Mary Ann this is ALF. He's from Melmac.
    Mary Ann: How come everybody can get to this island and none of us can ever get off?
    Gilligan: Really? I must have overlooked the pattern. [gets hit by Skipper's hat]
    [ALF laughs]
    Skipper: Let's eat. Come on, ALF!
    ALF: Lunch with the castaways! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
    [ALF is having a hangout with the Castaways]
    ALF: Mary Ann, did you make one of your famous coconut cream pies?
    Mary Ann: No. They won't let me make them anymore.
    Professor: You see I noticed our blood sugar levels were getting dangerously high. Plus the fact we were sick to death of them.
    Mary Ann: You never told me that.
    Professor: I was remiss.
    Mary Ann: Anyway, today we're having mangoes.
    ALF: Wow. Mangoes.
    Gilligan: We're sick of mangoes too.
    Professor: Well I like mangoes. I'm just sick of making dental floss for you people.
    ALF: I get the feeling you people aren't happy.
    Mary Ann: We're not. We're bored. Do you know we've been doing the same thing day in and day out for 23 years?
    Gilligan: Yeah. How would you like to listen to the Skipper's boring old navy stories over and over and over?
    Skipper: I thought you liked my navy stories. I was a good sailor.
    Professor: Oh we're all familiar with your nautical record, Skipper. You're ah, o and one, I believe.
    Skipper: You see. You have one little shipwreck and they never let you forget it!
    ALF: Well you guys should be grateful. You're here on Gilligan's Island.
    Skipper: Are you kidding? Why, we'd be out of here in a minute if smarty-pants over here could figure out a way for us to get off this rock!
    Professor: Don't blame me! Every time I devise a plan, it's ruined by that hebetudinous sidekick of yours!
    ALF: "Hebetudinous"?
    Professor: Addlepated!
    ALF: Oh.
    Skipper: Why you can't call my little buddy addlepated.
    Gilligan: Will you stop calling me little buddy? I'm in my 40s, for crying out loud!
    ALF: Stop it! You people are supposed to be funny and friendly and, and wacky!
    Mary Ann: This is our island. You can't tell us when to be wacky.
    Professor: Yeah. Who died and made you King Kamayamaya?
    ALF: I know something that'll keep you from fighting, let's re-enact the time when the headhunter came to the island. I'll be the headhunter, and Gilligan can be Gilligan.
    Skipper: I've got a better idea. Let's re-enact the time that ALF came to the island to help us dig. You be ALF, and start digging.
    ALF: I'm not going to dig! I refuse to dig! I won't dig! I won't! I won't, I won't, I won't!
    [the castaways sent ALF digging]
    ALF: What am I digging here?
    Mary Ann: You're filling in the lagoon.
    Professor: Yeah we're going to build a miniature golf course.
    Skipper: And we're not going to let the Howells play on it.
    Gilligan: Shall I go get your clubs Skipper?
    Skipper: No Gilligan. It's not ready yet. [hat thump] It'll take a couple of months.
    Mary Ann: Come on. Let the furry little guy work. It's almost time for our favorite TV show.
    ALF: You have a TV?
    Professor: Oh yeah. I rigged one up using some bamboo, a couple of coconut shells and a 19 inch picture tube that washed up on the shore. I even built a VCR.
    Mary Ann: Yeah. But all our tapes are beta. [she waves goodbye to ALF]
    ALF: Hey Gilligan, digging's really fun. You want to do some?
    Gilligan: [satisfied] Forget it.
    ALF: Even Gilligan won't fall for it.
    Gilligan: [offscreen; hat thump] What was that for?
    Skipper: [offscreen] I just felt like it. Nyah ha ha.
    ALF: I wonder if the Howells need a 4th for golf.
    [as the Professor sets up the TV, the castaways get ready to watch their favorite TV show]
    Mary Ann: Sit down Professor, we can't see.
    Professor: I'm adjusting the vertical hold.
    Gilligan: Vertical hold? Looks like a coconut to me.
    Professor: Give me the hat, Skipper.
    TV Announcer: And now it's time for The Adventures of the Tanner Family.
    ALF: Tanner family?
    TV Announcer: Starting Willie Tanner as Dad, Kate Tanner as Mom, Lynn Tanner as their daughter, and Brian Tanner as himself. This week's episode "Brian Takes a Bath".
    Gilligan: Oh boy, this is my favorite.
    Skipper: I never had a bath for 23 years.
    Everybody: We know.
    Lynn: [on TV] That meatloaf was delicious, mom.
    Kate: [on TV] Well, I hope you have room for some apple pie.
    Everybody: Oh!
    Professor: Apple pie. I haven't had that in 23 years.
    Skipper: That meatloaf sounds so delicious too.
    Gilligan: I'd like to have something to eat that didn't fall out of a tree.
    Brian: [on TV] Can I have some water, Dad?
    Willie: [on TV] You can have lots of water, son. You're taking a bath.
    Skipper: How does Willie come up with that stuff?
    Gilligan: The great ones make it look so easy.
    ALF: Why was that funny?
    Professor: Why was that funny? These are the most entertaining people in the world and you ask why was it funny.
    Mary Ann: Besides, they can do things we only dream of. They eat balanced meals.
    Professor: They change their clothes.
    Gilligan: They don't hit each other with hats.
    ALF: Actually, they are pretty entertaining. Can I watch a little?
    Skipper: Don't you have some dirt to shovel?
    ALF: I can shovel dirt back home.
    Mary Ann: You are home.
    Gilligan: You're a castaway now, fuzzy buddy.
    Professor: Forever.
    ALF: I don't want to be a castaway. I thought this place would be fun. Now I realize, it's only fun in half hour chunks.
    Willie: [on TV] But you wanted to be on Gilligan's Island. That's where the fun never stops. Remember? Remember? Remember?
    ALF: I was wrong. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. [his dreams ends as he begins to wake up while Willie walks up to him] Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home.
    Willie: ALF. Wake up. Hey.
    ALF: Oh, Willie! You came all the way out here to rescue me!
    Willie: It wasn't really all that far, ALF. I was just in the kitchen.
    ALF: Ooh. Well listen, I was wrong. Adventure isn't on some unchartered desert isle. It's right here in your own backyard. What's left of it?
    Willie: That's good to hear, ALF. I'll see you later.
    ALF: Well, don't I get to come with you? What about all that mindless treacle I just oozed?
    Willie: As treacle goes, it's pretty sweet. Too bad it didn't fill up the hole. Get to work.
    ALF: I hate this place.

### Take a Look at Me Now [2.03]

    ALF: Oh, howdy, Raquel.
    [Raquel screams which causes ALF to close the door, a few seconds later, ALF and Raquel look at each other and scream together]
    ALF: [running inside the house and hides in the closet] Red alert! Red alert! Alien coming through!
    Lynn: What was ALF running for?
    ALF: [inside the closet] Occupied!
    Kate: Oh, I'm sorry.
    Willie: ALF knows that's not a bathroom, doesn't he?
    Kate: I hope so.
    Willie: ALF. ALF! Say, ALF, what's going on?
    [doorbell rings]
    ALF: [inside the closet] Get the front door, Willie. It may be self evident.
    Raquel: Kate, Willie! It was horrifying, simply horrifying! It had a long and two big.
    Trevor: Raquel, please don't do this. She's imagining things.
    Raquel: I'm not imaging things! There's a monster loose in the neighborhood.
    Lynn: A monster?
    Willie: Are you going to form an angry mob?
    Raquel: I saw it in your backyard. I could swear I've seen it once before.
    Lynn: What did this monster look like?
    Raquel: Uh, like bigfoot. Only little. It ran behind your garage. It might still be there.
    Kate: Maybe we should go have a look.
    Raquel: Good! But you go first.
    Kate: Raquel, I'm sure there's nothing out there.
    Raquel: Fine! You just tell that to it!
    Willie: Will you tell it that I would like to speak to him.
    [Lynn opens the door]
    ALF: Bigfoot? She's one to talk. I could shoot the rapids in one of her gunboats.
    Willie: Could you stop pacing, please?
    ALF: Hey, I pace when I'm bored. I've been under house arrest for over a month.
    Willie: It's been 2 days ALF.
    ALF: Really? Then why did I carve 30 notches on the banister?
    Willie: Because you're a vandal.

### Wedding Bell Blues [2.04]

    Kate: [while putting on a costume on Brian for a school play] Hold still, Bri. I don't wanna stick you.
    ALF: You look great, B. Sort of like the Pope's son.
    Brian: I'm in a play at school. I'm Friar Tuck. One of Robin Hood's merry men.
    ALF: No kidding. We had a Robin Hood on Melmac.
    Brian: Did he take from the rich and give to the poor?
    ALF: No, he just robbed the hoods off people's cars.
    Kate: Honey, please. ALF, would you leave us alone?
    ALF: Fine. I'll go bother Lynn. What's all this stuff?
    Lynn: It's a project for my sociology class. I'm putting together our family tree.
    ALF: Who chopped it down? Was it me, again?
    Lynn: ALF, why don't you make a family tree?
    ALF: Yeah, it's a fun way to remember your ancestors.
    Lynn: Well, I don't remember much.
    ALF: My father was always breaking things, and my mother sat around eating all day.
    Kate: It's amazing you turned out so well.
    ALF: Thanks. But sometimes I do blow my nose on the wrong towel. [Kate and Lynn stare at ALF] What?
    [Willie and Kate found out that ALF left the Tanners]
    Kate: You want to get the coffee?
    Willie: Sure.
    Kate: I'll get the eggs. [sighs] Well, I see ALF's had his breakfast.
    Willie: At least he didn't eat the tape recorder. [finds ALF's note] What is this?
    Kate: Probably his grocery list.
    Willie: Kate, listen. [reads ALF's note] "Dear Earth family, the depth of my shame is so great. I've decided to leave. Press play for further details." [he press play on ALF's tape as he hears opera playing] "That's my "Carmen" tape".
    ALF: [singing on his tape and makes his announcement] "Yo, Tanners, it's me ALF. Hope you don't mind me recording over your Carmen tape."
    Willie: No, no, your version is much better.
    ALF: [on tape] "As you now know, I'm not there. I've decided to run away to a place where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes."
    Kate: What does he know of life's vicissitudes? I still have to put up the toilet seat for him.
    ALF: [on tape] "Perhaps 1 day when I can deal with my seedy lineage I will see you all again. Farewell. I love you all. Now back to more classical music." [sings opera until the tape is turned off]
    Kate: Willie, where could he have gone?
    Willie: Heaven only knows.
    ALF: [doorbells and arrives at a monastery wearing Brian's costume] I hear you're looking for a few good monks.
    [Willie is listening to ALF's recording]
    ALF: [on tape] As you now know, I'm not there. I've run away to a place where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes.
    Kate: [comes to the living room] Willie, I couldn't find him anywhere.
    Willie: Well, where could a 3 foot, hairy alien go and not be conspicuous?
    Kate: Steven Spielberg's house?
    [Brian comes to the living room]
    Willie: Any sign of him, Bri?
    Brian: No. But my Friar Tuck costume is gone. Maybe he went to Sherwood Forest.
    Kate: No, Bri. Sherwood Forest is in England. ALF only took enough food to get to Canada.
    Brian: Why'd he run away?
    Willie: Oh, it's hard to explain, Bri. Y-you'll understand when you're older.
    Brian: How old?
    Willie: Well, older than me. I'm still trying to figure it out.
    Kate: Well?
    Lynn: [arrives home] Nothing. Where could he have gone?
    Willie: Someplace where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes.
    Lynn: That sounds familiar.
    Kate: Well, that's what he said on the tape.
    Lynn: No, no, uh, besides that. Wait a minute, ALF wanted me to send my allowance to a bunch of monks. Listen to this. [reads ALF's note] "Peace and tranquility, life's vicissitudes." It's from the Brothers of the Peaceful Dominion.
    Kate: That's it! He's joined a monastery.
    Willie: I'm sorry.
    Willie: Face it, ALF, you're not monk material.
    ALF: Well yes I am. I came with all the qualifications. Sloth, Greed, Gluttony.
    Willie: Those are the Seven Deadly Sins.
    ALF: I thought the Seven Deadly Sins were those guys from Snow White.
    Willie: Those are the Seven Dwarfs.
    ALF: We prefer to call them "little people".
    Willie: Come on home, ALF. We miss you. Nobody cares about your past.
    ALF: Well, gee, I don't know. Tonight's my turn to bang the dinner gong.
    Willie: ALF.
    ALF: Okay, you got a deal. You came all this way to get me. If you want me back so badly. You deserve me.
    Willie: Oh, thanks, ALF.
    ALF: Well, just give me a second to say goodbye to the bros, okay? Yo, I'm leaving! [the monks cheer] I thought this was a silent order.

### Prime Time [2.05]

    [Willie comes in the kitchen and turns off the TV ALF is watching]
    ALF: Hey! I wanted to watch Crazy Steve tear a drumstick off that tarantula.
    Willie: It's 3:00 in the morning, ALF.
    ALF: What's time to a spider, Willie?
    Willie: Why is the TV in here?
    ALF: Because I couldn't move the refrigerator out there.
    Willie: Don't touch that dial.
    ALF: I love when you're assertive.
    Willie: Go. Sleep. Now.
    ALF: Can I just ask one bedtime question?
    Willie: Yeah, what?
    ALF: I saw Polka Jamboree tonight. It's really funny. Why does it get such crummy ratings?
    Willie: For one thing, it's not supposed to be funny.
    ALF: What's the other thing?
    Willie: Nobody watches it.
    ALF: Next question.
    Willie: I thought there was gonna be 1 question here.
    ALF: This is the bonus round. What happens to a show when it's ratings are bad?
    Willie: It gets cancelled.
    ALF: [gasps] You mean Polka Jamboree could be cancelled?
    Willie: We can only hope. Good night, ALF.
    ALF: Wait, wait. If more people watched Polka Jamboree, the rating would go up right?
    Willie: Yes, but that would take a miracle.
    ALF: Well miracle, huh? Well just call me the miracle worker.
    ALF: Willie, can I have an accordion?
    Willie: No.

### Some Enchanted Evening [2.06]

    Kate: Is this a pirate, or is this a pirate? Lynn?
    Lynn: It's a pirate, mom.
    Kate: Willie?
    Willie: Definitely a pirate.
    ALF: [comes in wearing a costume] Good morning.
    Willie: What are you wearing?
    ALF: A touch of your aftershave.
    Willie: I meant those silly glasses.
    ALF: Silly glasses? Look who's talking. This is my Halloween costume.
    Willie: What are you supposed to be?
    ALF: Gene shalit. Too obscure?
    Kate: You're not planning on trick-or-treating, are you?
    ALF: Are you kidding? I can't wait. I'm coming back with a bag full of candy apples, popcorn balls, and cats.
    Lynn: ALF, no one's going to give you a cat.
    ALF: That's right. You have to bob for cats.
    [Brian dumps all the candy on the table]
    ALF: Whoa! Yeah! Great haul, Brian!
    Brian: Thanks.
    ALF: I'll guard these. You get back in the house. The party's going to start soon.
    Brian: I hate parties. Everyone pats me on the head, and says I'm growing up too fast.
    ALF: Cut the small talk! Let's divide the loot! Okay, one for you, One for me. One for you. One for me. One for me. One for me.
    Brian: [puts knife on the table] Not so fast, me Bucko!
    ALF: You are growing up too fast! We'll do this right. One for me. One for you.
    Willie: Somebody seems to have invited the Burkes, and also told all these people to wear costumes. I don't know who that was, or why he did it, But, I'm going to go into the garage and strangle him.
    ALF: Hey, you look good in Vinyl. How are you doing? Nice to meet you. Happy Halloween everybody!
    Everyone: Happy Halloween!
    Willie: Say, what are you doing here?
    ALF: Greeting the guests. Hey, Tex! Looks like you're putting on weight there. [laughs]
    Willie: Could I speak with you in the kitchen just for a moment?
    ALF: Hey, not now Willie. Your pumpkin's on fire. Ha! His pumpkin is on fire!
    Willie: Come here!
    Bernice: Well, who is little this guy?
    Willie: This is Gordon, everyone. Gordon's an old friend of our family. Bernice, don't mention his height. He's very sensitive.
    ALF: Hey, cowgirl. Nice calves. Ha! Nice calves! [Willie takes him to the kitchen]
    Willie: Okay, mister. I want the truth! And I want it now!
    ALF: Alright. Your hair is thinning.
    Willie: You got a hold of our guest list, didn't you. You called people and told them to wear costumes just so you could come.
    ALF: You dragged me in here to tell me things I already know?
    Willie: On top of that, you invited the Burkes.
    ALF: Again, old news.
    Willie: Just tell me why.
    ALF: Because I really want you to get that promotion. Now get out there and start kissing up.
    Willie: I'm not kissing up to anyone, especially not Walter Burke.
    ALF: I know you wouldn't. That's why I'm here to do it for you. Oh Wollie!
    Willie: No wait, wait. You can't go out there. What if they discover that you're an alien?
    ALF: They won't. They'll think I'm wearing a costume, see?
    Willie: Where did you get that zipper?
    ALF: Well, you know your old jacket that you were gonna throw out?
    Willie: Yeah.
    ALF: Better hang on to it. I ripped this out of your new raincoat.
    Willie: Alright, go on and go out there. I don't care. Go on, fine with me. Blow your cover, that's fine! Just do me one favor.
    ALF: Ok, ok. I'll do my Elvis impression.
    Willie: Please keep away from my boss.
    ALF: No problem, he seems like a yuts anyway. Ok, everybody! Let's tear this place apart!

### Oh, Pretty Woman [2.07]

    [ALF is watching a beauty pageant on TV]
    Willie: What are you watching?
    ALF: I think it's a United Nations meeting.
    Willie: That's not the United Nations. It's a beauty pageant.
    ALF: Are you sure? A minute ago, they just asked the ambassador from Spain what she would do for world peace.
    Willie: She's not the ambassador. She's a contestant.
    ALF: Oh. Well that explains why the Swedish ambassador was juggling.
    Kate: [comes in the kitchen] Hi, ALF.
    ALF: Hi. Hey, Kate. Do you think I'm good looking?
    Kate: Yeah, sure.
    ALF: Well, if you were my age would you go out with me?
    Kate: Well, if we your age and if I weren't married and if we were the same species, I guess so.
    ALF: Yeah? Where would we go?
    Kate: I don't know, how about a Rocky film?
    ALF: Nah, he hasn't been funny since he broke up with Bullwinkle. What else you got?
    Kate: That was it, ALF.
    ALF: It doesn't sound like you put much thought into this date.
    Kate: That's because I haven't.
    ALF: Well, fine! Why don't we just forget the whole thing, okay?
    Kate: Fine with me.
    ALF: Fine. Probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. People would have just stared. [stares at himself with a mirror]

### Something's Wrong With Me [2.08]

    ALF: Hey, good water, Kate. Pick up some more of these tomorrow.
    Kate: That water was for the wedding guests.
    ALF: I only drank three of these I was trying to get rid of my hiccups.
    Willie: What hiccups?
    ALF: [hiccup] Those hiccups.
    Kate: That is the strangest hiccup I've ever heard.
    ALF: Well, here's another one. [hiccups]
    Lynn: Oh, no!
    ALF: Oh, [hiccups] yes. You're the first humans who've ever heard the dreaded "Melmacian" hiccups.
    Willie: What is it that makes them so dreaded, besides that irritating metallic echo?
    ALF: That irritating metallic echo gets louder and louder, day by day, week by week, year by, [hiccup] year.
    Kate: How many years are we talking about?
    ALF: I'm not sure. [hiccup] My uncle Tinkle had them for 50 years.
    Kate: Tinkle?
    ALF: Good idea.
    [Willie and Kate come inside the garage]
    Willie: Hi, ALF, how's it going? [ALF hiccups] About the same, huh?
    Kate: What are you looking for?
    ALF: My Melmacian Medical Encyclopedia. I might have a cure for the hiccups. Here. Hold this Willie. [he gives Willie his nuclear waste from his spaceship]
    Willie: What is it?
    ALF: It's just nuclear waste from my spaceship. Oh hey, don't worry. Life here will exist as long as the lid doesn't pop off. [short pause] Oh, wait. These are my crayons.
    Kate: What does this encyclopedia look like?
    ALF: I don't remember. I only used it once.
    Willie: Could this be it?
    ALF: Oh yeah, that's it. The furry home companion.
    Kate: Isn't it thin for an encyclopedia?
    ALF: Our bodies aren't that complicated. [hiccup] We have 10 major organs. 8 of which are stomachs.
    Willie: I would have guessed all 10.
    ALF: [reading from the book] Let's see. Stomach aches, Stomach flu, stomach transplants. Here we are. Hiccups. Hey! All I have to do, is drink a glass of cat juice. No problem.
    Kate: Cat juice?
    Willie: What is Cat juice?
    ALF: Well, it's kind of like orange juice, but instead of juicing an orange you squeeze juice a-
    Willie: I don't want to hear it.
    ALF: Then cover your ears. [Willie covers his ears] Cat!
    Willie: I heard it.
    ALF: You were warned. [hiccup]
    Kate: There's got to be another cure.
    ALF: There is, but you don't want to hear it. It's disgusting.

### Night Train [2.09]

    [ALF is reading a magazine as Kate and Brian come home]
    ALF: Hey, Kate, guess what I am?
    Kate: Is it something that begins with "couch", and ends with "potato"?
    ALF: Cheap shot, Kate-man-du. I'm a type T personality.
    Kate: Okay ALF, what is a type T personality?
    ALF: According to this article, a type T is a thrill-seeker. Someone who looks for danger, who laughs in the face of death. [laughs]
    Kate: This from the same person who watched the movie Aliens from under the couch?
    ALF: Hey, I thought I owed one of those guys money.
    Brian: Am I a type T?
    ALF: Well, do you enjoy hang gliding off cliffs into rock-filled gorges?
    Brian: I don't know.
    ALF: Well let's find out. What do you say we jump off the roof. You land feet-first, you're a wimp.
    Brian: I'll go get the ladder.
    Kate: No one is jumping off the roof.
    ALF: Hey Kate, let me know when you let your son act like a man. Ah! Paper cut! Paper cut!
    [Willie comes to the garage while ALF is looking at a train model]
    ALF: Hey Willie? Is this the kind of train you used to hop?
    Willie: Well, the others were bigger, of course, and they didn't run around in circles. But basically, Yeah.
    ALF: How'd you do it?
    Willie: Well, here's what I'd do, you see. I'd case the yard, I'd hide in a bush and wait until dark and when I saw my train was pulling out, I'd just go make a run for it.
    ALF: Wow. Well did it ever get so dark, you jumped on the wrong thing? Like a bus or parade?
    Willie: Ask sensible questions, ALF.
    ALF: Okay. Which one is the kitchen car?
    Willie: There wasn't any kitchen car. I sat in a box car. I ate beans out of a can. That's how I got my traveling name.
    ALF: Bean head?
    Willie: "Boxcar Willie."
    ALF: Wow. What a cool name! Hey can I have your autograph?
    Willie: No, no.
    ALF: Come on, come on.
    Willie: Well, I guess.
    [Kate and Brian come to the garage]
    Kate: Willie, are you sure you don't want to go to my mother's with us?
    Willie: Yeah. Positive.
    Brian: If dad doesn't have to go, why do I?
    Kate: Because you're my son, and I can tell you what to do.
    Brian: Well, there you have it.
    Kate: What's this?
    Willie: Oh, it's my autograph. Alf wanted it.
    ALF: It's for a friend.
    Kate: Well we'll be back in a couple hours. Now don't get into any trouble.
    ALF: Don't worry about Willie. I'll keep an eye on him.
    Kate: I was talking to you.
    ALF: I know. I was being playful.
    Willie: Bye bye.
    Kate: Bye.
    ALF: Now's our chance. Let's go down to the train yard.
    Willie: No, we're not hopping any train.
    ALF: I'm not talking about riding the rails. I just want to see them. Please, Willie. Pleeeease?
    Willie: No, we can't. Really Alf, we can't.
    ALF: Alright, tell me when this gets annoying. Yeah, yeah, you hopped a freight train, sure. Oh right. Yeah, yeah. I almost believed that. Uh huh, yeah, yeah. Look at Mr. Excitement.
    Willie: Forget it, ALF. It's not working.
    ALF: Okay, I'll try something else. Willie, please take me to see the trains. I haven't had an adventure in a long time. All right, maybe this will work. Willie, I'm dying. [coughs] I've only got twenty four hours to live. Twenty five, tops.
    Willie: Okay, come on.
    ALF: You bought that?
    Willie: I bought the second thing you said.
    ALF: Oh. Well what was it? I might want to use it again sometime.
    Willie: Come on. Bring a sweater.
    ALF: Okay.
    [ALF and Willie are at a train yard]
    Willie: Boy, there's nothing like a train yard at night.
    ALF: Yeah, it is peaceful. [a train whistle blows] Aaaah! What's that thing?
    Willie: That's the train.
    ALF: It makes the one you have look like a toy.
    Willie: That's really something, isn't it? You know that engine alone weighs over seventy-five tons? Do you know what would happen if I put a penny on that track?
    ALF: The train would de-rail and all the bums would spill their beans.
    Willie: The penny would be flat.
    ALF: Willie, pennies are already flat.
    Yard Guard: Hey, who's out there?
    Willie: Uh oh, that's the guard.
    ALF: You mean that guy with the seeing-eye dog? Huh, big deal!
    Willie: That's no seeing-eye dog. That's a doberman pincher.
    ALF: Yikes! Don't let him pinch me!
    Willie: ALF!
    Yard Guard: Hey, get away from that train!
    Willie: ALF, jump!
    ALF: Run, boxcar, run! [Willie jumps into the boxcar] All aboard! Hey, I always wanted to say that.
    Willie: Well you got your wish!
    ALF: And you got yours, too. We're riding the rails, Willie. Ain't it grand!
    Willie: No, it ain't! Now the train's going too fast! We can't get off!
    ALF: You're acting like this is all my fault.
    Willie: Well, isn't it?
    ALF: I was hoping we could share.

### Isn't It Romantic? [2.10]

    Willie: How many more things can there be? [ALF comes out] What was all that noise?
    ALF: I don't know. As grandpa satchel used to say, "Don't look back. Something might be broken."
    Kate: In this case it's my casserole dish and the cookie jar.
    ALF: Where are you going?
    Willie: I'm going to see a musical.
    ALF: Musicals are dumb. Out of the blue people burst into songs.
    Willie: Hence the term "musical."
    ALF: Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing: [singing] Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey-
    Willie: It's getting on my nerves.
    ALF: See what it means? What this called?
    Kate: Cats.
    ALF: Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!
    Kate: They're not real cats; they're actors.
    ALF: Yech! I'll pass. How come you're not going your mate Kate?
    Kate: Well, uh- Actually, do you remember when we left you alone, and you blew up the kitchen?
    ALF: Oh, yeah. I get nervous just thinking about it.
    Kate: Well, I'm not going because I don't feel well. I have a fever. I have a slight fever.
    ALF: Oh, let me press my lips against your forehead.
    Kate: No!
    ALF: You don't sound that sick. Is there something wrong between you two?
    Kate: Of course not.
    ALF: You wouldn't lie to the old ALFer?
    Willie: No.
    ALF: Because I always tell the truth. Example, your socks are limp.
    Kate: Goodbye.
    Willie: Bye.
    Kate: Have a good time. [kisses Willie]
    ALF: And those glasses make you look owlish.
    Willie: Bye, ALF.
    ALF: Did I mention he has a funny walk?
    Lynn: [while talking to Julie on the phone] No Julie, he hasn't called yet. How can he when you keep calling to see if he called?
    ALF: [comes in Lynn's room] Quick! Hang up! Dial 911. 9, uno, uno.
    Lynn: I gotta go, I'll text you later! Bye!
    ALF: Hurry up!
    Lynn: Wait a minute, I don't smell smoke.
    ALF: Where is it written that all my emergencies involve fire?
    Lynn: Sorry.
    ALF: It's Willie and Kate. They've been fighting all night!
    Lynn: Were you listening outside their door again?
    ALF: Inside their door. Under their bed. Anyway, I distinctly heard someone say, "Get off it, it isn't ALF's fault."
    Lynn: That was probably mom.
    ALF: Actually, it was me. Then they walked out on each other, Lynn. I'm an orphan! I don't want to be an orphan. I saw Annie. Orphans have to eat gruel, and tap dance with mops.
    Lynn: Listen to me. Mom and dad haven't abandoned us. They're having a little fight, that's all. I just hope mom wins, so I can go on that ski trip.
    ALF: They won't settle anything, without our help.
    Lynn: Our help?
    ALF: Please, Lynn. This is the only family that I've got.
    Lynn: This is the only family I've got.
    ALF: Really? No wonder you're always hanging around! Now, let's see. How would we solve this problem on Melmac?
    Lynn: Let me guess. You'd play Tug-of-War with a cat.
    ALF: No. That only takes your mind off your troubles. It never solves anything. Wait, I remember. To get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage.
    Lynn: I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was.
    ALF: The day they met me?
    Lynn: Think again.
    ALF: The day after they met me.
    Lynn: Keep thinking.
    ALF: I can't. My brain hurts. Aghhh!
    Lynn: Well, they're always talking about their honeymoon.
    ALF: Great! Yeah, that's it! Let's recreate their honeymoon. Where did they go?
    Lynn: Niagara Falls.
    ALF: Oh, real original.
    ALF: Go ahead, Willie, give her a big smack! Hit it, Brian. [the water hoses Willie]
    Kate and Willie: No! No!
    Willie: Aghhh!
    [at the end, Willie ends up getting sick thanks to ALF]
    Kate: Honey, I just don't feel good about leaving you like this.
    Willie: Well, no, you go. There's no use both of us staying home just because I'm sick. Say hello, say hello to your mother for me.
    Kate: Okay. [kisses Willie] I'll be thinking about you. [she leaves the house]
    ALF: Where's she going?
    Willie: Oh, she's going to her mother's.
    ALF: Without you? Oh, I get it. Lynn's on her ski trip and you don't trust me to be alone.
    Willie: No, sure we do, ALF, but I'm sick. I-I caught cold because somebody hosed me down in my own bedroom.
    ALF: Oh, baloney.
    Willie: ALF!
    ALF: Come on! Get up and go to your mother-in-law.
    Willie: No!
    ALF: Yes!
    Willie: Alright.
    ALF: Gee, Willie, you do look a little pale. You might be coming down with something. You better lie down.
    Willie: Oh, thanks. That's a good idea.
    ALF: Let me tuck you in.
    Willie: Okay.
    ALF: There you go.
    Willie: Thanks, ALF. You're a good friend.
    ALF: Hey, anything for my Willie. You want me to press my lips up against your forehead?
    [Willie gets shocked when ALF comes closer to him as the episode ends]

### Hail to the Chief [2.11]

    ALF: Interesting concept, the pencil. Where did it come from?
    Willie: Well, I've heard a number of theories on that.
    ALF: How about the shortest one?
    Willie: The stationery store.
    ALF: Thank you.
    Willie: Say, that's a voter registration application.
    ALF: Boy, can't put one over on you.
    Willie: You can't vote, ALF, you're not a citizen.
    ALF: I'll apply for a green card.
    Willie: That's only if you want a job.
    ALF: Pass.
    [in Kate and ALF's dream]
    John: Mrs. Tanner, our environment is becoming endangered much like the liberal. What would you do about it?
    Kate: Well, my environmental plan includes tax incentives to the industrial sector to encourage factory modernization as well as legislation.
    ALF: Ah, lunch meat!
    Kate: ALF?
    ALF: Candidate ALF.
    John: Your solution to pollution?
    ALF: My solution to pollution will help your constitution. So send a contribution, and start the revolution. Uh-huh, uh-huh.
    Kate: Could we please get serious here?
    John: Quiet! Rap Master ALF is on a roll.
    ALF: Thanks, man. Weiner on a stick?
    John: My pleasure. [pause] Your answer?
    ALF: To get rid of pollution, just tie big balloons on all the smoke stacks to catch the dirty air.
    Kate: Wait a minute. And what would you do when the balloons were full?
    ALF: I'd rub them on a big sweater and stick them to the ceiling of the White House.
    John: Finally, a candidate as intelligent as myself.
    Kate: How can you say that? His solution is impractical and ludicrous.
    John: Sour grapes, Mrs. Tanner. You lose. I'm voting for the ALFer.
    Audience: [cheering] ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF!
    [Kate and ALF's dream ends]
    Kate: [talking during her sleep] ALF.
    ALF: That's my name. Ask me again, and I'll tell you the same.
    Kate: What are you doing in here?
    ALF: I got tired of looking at the big picture. [pause] Oh, hey, look! Willie's shins glow in the dark.

### ALF's Special Christmas [2.12]

Note: This episode was an hour long.
    George: [while taking ALF to the room with Tiffany] She's heavier than she looks.
    Tiffany: Thank you, Santa.
    George: Oh, you're welcome, darling. I wish I had a present to give you.
    Tiffany: Oh, that's okay.
    George: You know, Christmas isn't about presents.
    Tiffany: It's about giving of yourself.
    George: You've given me a most wonderful gift by saying thank you.
    Tiffany: ALF, could you stay with me just until I fall asleep?
    ALF: Hey, no problem.
    Tiffany: ALF, do you want to know a secret?
    ALF: If you want to tell me.
    Tiffany: I'm going to have to move on to another world, too. And there's nothing anyone can do about it. And I'm afraid to go, ALF. I know I'm not supposed to be afraid but I can't help it.
    ALF: It's alright, Tiffany. It's alright to be afraid.
    Tiffany: You know, maybe in the next world that I'm going to they'll have Christmas all year round.
    ALF: Could be.
    Tiffany: And everyone will want to be my friend. I know they will. And maybe everyone will be just like you, ALF.
    ALF: Well, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. [laughs]
    Tiffany: I love you, ALF.
    [short pause]
    ALF: I love you too, Tiffany.
    Brian: Dad?
    Willie: Yeah?
    Brian: Is ALF coming home?
    Willie: He's coming home. I'm sure he's coming home.
    Brian: I hope it doesn't snow.
    The Tanners: [surprised that ALF came back] ALF!
    ALF: [after he fell from the chimney] Merry Christmas!

### The Boy Next Door [2.13]

    [the family is playing charades]
    Lynn: It's a movie. 2 words.
    ALF: The jerk.
    Brian: The birds.
    Kate: You got it, Bri!
    ALF: No fair! You were giving him hand signals to help him guess.
    Willie: ALF, that's how you play charades.
    ALF: Oh. Well, let me try! Alright, uh-
    Lynn: It's a movie.
    Kate: It's about you.
    Lynn: The Brother from Another Planet?
    Brian: Hair!
    ALF: No, no, you're all wrong, it's The Man Who Would Be King.
    [Trevor and Raquel come to the Tanners house to introduce Jake]
    Trevor: Hi Willie, hi Kate.
    Kate: Hi guys.
    Trevor: And other residents of the Tanner manor.
    Willie: Hi, Trevor, Raquel. And who might this be?
    Trevor: This is Jake, my brother cyril's kid. These are the Tanners.
    Willie: How do you do?
    Kate: Hi, Jake.
    Lynn: Hi.
    Brian: Hi Jake.
    Jake: Yeah.
    Raquel: [laughs] Jake just flew in from New York. He's staying with us while his father is away.
    Kate: Oh, how long will that be?
    Jake: 5 years.
    Trevor: Unless he gets time off for good behavior.
    ALF: Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake--
    Kate: We're saving it for Jake.
    ALF: Okay. [pause] He's not coming. Let's eat.
    Willie: He'll be here, ALF.
    ALF: The kid's probably going up the river as we speak. They'll put him in solitary, feed him bread and water, topped by a delicious piece of chocolate- [Kate moves the cake] cake.
    Willie: Jake may have some problems, but he's not going to be sent to prison.
    ALF: Tell that to my cousin, Pretty Boy Shumway. He lived on the south side of Melmac. The baddest part of the planet. If he didn't like your shoes. [points at Willie, imitating machine gun sound] "ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
    Willie: You mean he'd shoot a person just because he didn't like his shoes?
    ALF: No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
    Lynn: [comes in] Mr. Ochmonek called and said Jake won't come over.
    Willie: I didn't hear the phone.
    Lynn: He just hollered through my window.
    ALF: Alright! Let's eat.
    Kate: Would you like some cake?
    [ALF and Jake get ready to meet each other]
    Jake: Get away from me! Just stay away from me!
    ALF: Wait! You can't leave. They'll think I broke the telescope.
    Jake: Okay, I'll fix it. Just don't bite me.
    ALF: Bite you? That's a good idea. I'll bite you, if you don't fix this. [snaps jaws]
    Jake: Alright! Just don't tell my aunt and uncle I was taking it.
    ALF: On 1 condition. You fix this telescope, and don't tell anyone about me.
    Jake: That's 2 conditions. [ALF growls] Alright! You've got a deal. What are you, anyway?
    ALF: I'm an alien from the planet Melmac. I have powers that you can only dream about.
    Jake: Like what?
    ALF: [thinks for a moment] I can watch television for 10 hours straight and not get up to go the bathroom.
    Jake: You're the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
    ALF: You should see me with my hair wet.
    Jake: Do the Tanners know about you?
    ALF: Yeah, they know all about me. Well, they don't know that I've had liposuction. Where'd you learn to fix telescopes? Cal tech?
    Jake: No, my dad taught me. We used to find things in the trash and fix them. My dad could fix anything, especially horse races.
    ALF: Wild guess. That's why he's in jail?
    Jake: Yeah. Well, I'm done.
    ALF: Wow! You're good! And fast!
    Jake: It's no big deal.
    ALF: No big deal? On Melmac, we only had one guy who knew how to fix things. They put him on display in a zoo, but the cage door was broken, so he walked away.
    Jake: Good story. Is it okay if I go now?
    ALF: Yeah, but remember our deal. You can't tell anyone about me.
    Jake: Hey, don't worry. I live by the Ochmonek code. We don't squeal or tip.
    ALF: The name's ALF.
    Jake: Jake. [leaves] Bye.
    ALF: Bye.
    Jake: [opens the window and finds ALF from outside] What are you doing here?
    ALF: I bought over a few things for you to fix. [handing Jake some stuff for him to fix] Here's a tape recorder's got fur stuck in it. I don't know how that happen.
    Jake: What happened to this?
    ALF: I tried to puree a rock. It didn't work.
    Raquel: [offscreen] Jake? Are you talking to someone?
    Jake: No, it's just the TV.
    ALF: Welcome to Monday Night Football.
    Jake: It's Saturday!
    ALF: Live from New York, it's Saturday-
    Jake: I'm shutting it off.
    ALF: Click! Can you fix all this stuff?
    Jake: My motto is if I can't fix it, it ain't broken.
    ALF: My motto is I broke it.
    Jake: My dad's motto is I broke into it.
    ALF: [laughs] Hey, hey! You're pretty funny for a delinquent. [pause] I love this male bonding. What do you say we go out back and throw a cat on the Barbie? Just a thought. [he leaves from the window]

### Can I Get a Witness? [2.14]

    Lynn: Great meal, mom, what's for dessert?
    ALF: You can't have dessert, until all the other food has been served.
    Lynn: All the other food has been served.
    ALF: That's it? One measly ham? Why did I work up an appetite playing football?
    Lynn: Who were you playing football with?
    Kate: He played by himself.
    ALF: And I won. In overtime.
    Kate: You didn't trample my flower garden, did you?
    ALF: Don't worry, I tip-toed through your tulips.
    Kate: Let's me see your feet. Feet! [she checks ALF's foot cover with her flowers] You tip-toed through my tulips, but demolished my daisies.
    ALF: Don't worry, I high-tailed it past your hyacinths. Your turn. [doorbell rings] I'll get it.
    Lynn: I'll get it.
    Kate: Thank you, Lynn. Now, where were we ALF?
    ALF: Well, if I remember correctly, you were about to give me a foot massage.
    Kate: ALF?
    ALF: Yes?
    Kate: Come here.
    ALF: No problem. Kate, I'm sorry about your flowers. Please accept these along with my apologies.
    Kate: They smell like feet.
    ALF: I washed them in Desenex.
    Willie: ALF, where is our football?
    ALF: Behind your back.
    Willie: [shows ALF the football] Raquel said it broke her window.
    ALF: That's ridiculous! Footballs don't break windows, people do.
    Willie: What about aliens?
    ALF: Me, I broke nothing, I swear.
    Kate: You broke those plates when you throw the football through my kitchen window.
    ALF: Oh, like that's relevant.
    Willie: ALF, how did this football get into the Ochmoneks' backyard?
    ALF: Well, I have a theory.
    Kate: Please share it.
    ALF: Alright. See, I was standing near the fence. I kicked the football, it went up but it never came back down.
    Lynn: So what's your theory?
    ALF: Well, isn't it obvious? Gravity failure. Explanation 2, what happened-
    Brian: [interrupts ALF and comes to the living room] What did ALF do this time?
    ALF: Nothing.
    Lynn: Somebody broke the Ochmoneks' window and we're trying to figure out who it was.
    Willie: Say, it wasn't you, was it Brian?
    Brian: No.
    Kate: Brian dear, this is very important!
    ALF: Hey, if the kid said he didn't do it, he didn't do it. Stop with the 3rd degree.
    Kate: Fine. If he didn't do it, that makes you the prime suspect.
    ALF: Brian dear, this is very important. Did you break the window?
    Brian: No.
    ALF: Huh? Who could it have been?
    Willie: Alright, that's it. You're not watching TV for 1 month.
    ALF: Why, what did I do? You can't punish me without just cause. I demand a trial.
    Willie: There's no need for a trial, forget the trial.
    ALF: So you do think I'm guilty. You're punishing an innocent alien.
    Brian: Yeah, dad, my teacher said everyone's innocent until proven guilty.
    Willie: Okay, fine. ALF gets his trial. I'll be the judge.
    ALF: Oh, no offense, Willie, but I prefer a fair trial.
    Lynn: What you trust mom to be the judge?
    ALF: Without hesitation.
    Kate: I'm not gonna be the judge, and there's not gonna be a trial.
    ALF: Look, I know my rights. I want my day in court and that's that! If I'm found guilty, I'll take the month with no TV.
    Kate: Okay, we'll have a trial tomorrow morning after breakfast.
    ALF: Fine, whatever you say, your honor. I respect your judgment and I'm not just saying that.
    Kate: Stop kissing up.
    ALF: I'm not kissing up. I'm innocent. Why should I have to kiss up? By the way, I love what you've done with your hair.
    Kate: [angrily] STOP IT!
    ALF: I'm stopped. It's stopped. You're right. You're brilliant. She's brilliant. She's really is. She's brilliant. No more kissing up. Not if she doesn't want me to kiss up. I wouldn't kiss up to the judge. Nuh-uh. [goes to the kitchen]
    Kate: Willie, present your evidence.
    Willie: The case is simple. We have here a broken window, and a defendant with a long, long history of reckless behavior. Starting with the day he crashed his spaceship into our garage.
    ALF: Name 12 more.
    Willie: To name 12 more. He set a fire in the camper, he chopped up our Christmas tree, he wrecked the toaster, he ripped that painting, he dug up the backyard, he stole a car, he buried my piano, I think that was the thing hurt me the most, he got me arrested, he used our credit cards, excessively and illegally, he short circuited the television, terrorized the cat, and he blew up the kitchen. It's not hard to imagine, that such a person would, could, and infect did kick a football through the Ochmonek's window.
    Brian: Brilliant!
    ALF: [while watching 3 TVs] Yeah, yeah! Oh, don't be fool. You're not the father. Buy a vowel.
    Willie: What are you doing?
    ALF: Watching TVs.
    Willie: Turn two of those off. You're wasting electricity. [turns both TVs off]
    ALF: Hey, you owe me. You made me feel like a criminal, you've scarred me for life, and now you want to take away my TV's? At long last, "Will-De-Beast," Have you no sense of decency?
    Willie: ALF, how long are you going to push this guilt trip?
    ALF: I was thinking 'til after Christmas.
    Willie: Think again.
    ALF: Hey Willie, while you're in there, could you check on my 3 TV dinners. [Willie goes to the kitchen while ALF laughs] Oh, yeah!

### We're So Sorry, Uncle Albert [2.15]

    ALF: Willie, we voted fair and square. Uncle Albert stays in the tent.
    Willie: No, you're staying in the tent, ALF.
    ALF: I don't want to sleep out here. This place is swarming with armored leeches.
    Willie: Those are snails.
    ALF: I don't care if they're hunchback slugs. I'm not sleeping out here.
    Willie: ALF, we always make you stay in the garage. I thought sleeping in a tent would be a nice change of pace.
    ALF: Yeah, listen. Since Uncle Albert is such a pain, why don't you just tell the guy to bug off?
    Willie: Oh, I can't do that ALF. He's family.
    ALF: Fine. Now you're stuck with an unwanted house guest.
    Willie: Isn't it strange how that pattern keeps repeating itself?
    ALF: Why? Kate's mother is coming too?
    Willie: Let's just put up the tent.
    ALF: Fine. Why is it taking so long?
    Willie: [he takes away the tape measure away from ALF and shakes his glasses] It's taking so long because you keep undoing everything I'm doing. Would you hand me, a box of wing nuts?
    ALF: Wing nuts? I'm afraid I've eaten them.
    Willie: You ate a box wing nuts?
    ALF: I thought they said "walnuts". Don't bother looking for the package marked tent stakes.
    Willie: I think I'd better finish this by myself.
    ALF: Fine. I'll be over here if you need me. [walks away]
    Willie: I'll keep that in mind in case things go too smoothly.
    ALF: [after seeing Uncle Albert opening his tent] Care for a cookie? [Uncle Albert passes out and dies from the shock of seeing him] Alright, after your nap.
    Man: Hello, social services. Hold, please. Hey, Willie, call for you on line 4. Sounds like Sammy Davis, Jr.
    Willie: Hello.
    ALF: [like Sammy Davis] Man, how'd you like this clever ruse?
    Willie: Why are you calling me? You promised to stay in the tent!
    ALF: But we're out of canned peaches.
    Willie: You called me for peaches?
    ALF: No, I also need grape leaves, yellow cellophane, and a tag for the toe.
    Willie: A tag for what?
    ALF: You're not writing this down, are you?
    Willie: No, I'm not. What's this all about?
    ALF: It was gonna be a surprise, but Uncle Albert's dead.
    Willie: What?
    ALF: Don't worry, I've already started the embalming, that's why I need the peaches. [hangs up]
    Willie: Wait! [hangs up]
    Man: Willie, is it true Sammy's going on the road, again?
    [ALF is decorating a party as Kate comes home with the groceries]
    Kate: ALF, what is going on here?
    ALF: We're celebrating. Uncle Albert is gone.
    Kate: He left without saying goodbye?
    ALF: It was rather sudden.
    Willie: Kate. Kate. [he hugs her]
    ALF: Where are my peaches?
    Willie: Is it true about Uncle Albert?
    Kate: Well, apparently so. I mean, talk about the perfect guest. He came, he was nice and he left before we got tired of him.
    Willie: Oh, Kate, please.
    ALF: Hey, come on, man! Lighten up. Here, have a hat.
    Willie: Have you no respect for the dead?
    Kate: Dead? ALF, you said Uncle Albert was gone.
    ALF: You thought he left?
    Kate: Oh, my God.
    Willie: What happened? ALF, exactly what happened?
    ALF: Well, I was in the tent watching TV.
    Willie: He saw you?
    ALF: Yeah. I offered him one of Kate's cookies, but he keeled over. Hey, don't take it personally. Some people just don't have a sweet tooth. Speaking of which, did you get those canned peaches, Willie? I need to finish basting the deceased. [Willie walks away] Hey, hey, let the guy marinate in peace!
    Brian: [as he comes home from school] Hey! Are we having a party?
    ALF: I'm trying to.
    Kate: This isn't a party.
    ALF: Sure it is! It's just like a birthday party only someone else has to blow out the candles.
    Willie: It's, it's true.
    ALF: Hey, come on. Don't blame yourself, Willie. Gosh, if anyone killed Uncle Albert, it was me.
    Kate: Now if you need us, we'll be at the Waxman Funeral Parlor.
    Lynn: Okay, have fun. [Willie and Kate stare at her] Sorry.
    Lynn: [walks outside with a banana bread and finds ALF hiding inside a box] ALF? ALF, are you in there?
    ALF: [inside the box] Go away.
    Lynn: I brought you some banana bread. ALF, please come out of there.
    ALF: No! If you see me, you'll die.
    Lynn: I've already seen you. I know what you look like. ALF.
    ALF: I'm double-bagged for your protection.
    Lynn: Come on. Eat some banana bread.
    ALF: I'm not hungry.
    Lynn: You really are upset. What was death like on Melmac?
    ALF: Predictable. Everyone died at the same age. 650. There were no surprises. And you could plan.
    Lynn: You could stock upon fruit and things?
    ALF: Exactly. And the week before you go you give away your personal belongings. The year before you go, your credit cards are canceled.
    Lynn: I'd be afraid to know exactly when I was gonna die.
    ALF: Hey, I'd be afraid not to know. That's why I feel so bad about Uncle Albert. I took him before his time. Thanks to me, he didn't have a chance to wrap things up.
    Lynn: Yes, he did.
    ALF: What are you talkin' about?
    Lynn: See, Uncle Albert came here to make amends to show us that he really could be a nice guy. A lot of people don't get a chance to do that. But he did.
    ALF: Really?
    Lynn: Really.
    ALF: Well, if that's true then I'll get over this eventually. But I'd still like to stay in this box awhile.
    Lynn: I understand. You need some time to think.
    ALF: Yeah. [pause] Oh, hey, Lynn? You could leave that banana bread.

### Someone to Watch Over Me [2.16-2.17]
#### Part 1

    ALF: [playing cards with Jake] I never wager more than I'm willing to lose. I'll bet Willie's car.
    [the Ochmoneks come inside the Tanner's house]
    Lynn: Hi. Dad, it's the Ochmoneks. And Jake.
    Jake: Hi, tall, teenage, and tantalizin'.
    Lynn: Gag me with a shovel.
    Jake: Whatever turns you on.
    Willie Any requests?
    Trevor: Yeah. Go jump in the lake and take your CB with ya.
    Willie What?
    Raquel: Everyone thinks that you're taking this neighborhood watch thing far too seriously.
    Willie: Have I, as the Sentinel done something that's offended you?
    Trevor: Let us just say we don't want to be involved anymore. We're turning in our code names.
    Raquel: Cross The Phantom and Lolita off your list.
    Trevor: The Litwaks and Mrs. Byrd are droppin' out too.
    Willie: I guess I got a little carried away, huh?
    Raquel: You called me horsemeat.
    Willie: I'm sure I didn't say. Horsemeat. I'm sure that I said something nice that just sounded like.
    Trevor: At any rate, don't try to contact us. We're on our way outta town.
    Raquel: We're going to Tijuana to do some shopping. We have a whole house to refurnish. Come on, Jake.
    Jake: Can't I stay with the Tanners? I'm allergic to kitsch.
    Lynn: Go, enjoy. Drink the water. Adios!
    Trevor: I told you, you can't stay here unless Willie invites you to stay, of his own free will, without being pushed into it.
    Willie: Of course, Jake is more than welcome to stay.
    Raquel: Well, alright then. See you manana.
    Jake: Hasta luego.
    Raquel: Come on, Trevor.
    Trevor: Right behind you, Phantom. [he and Raquel leave]
    Willie: If you two will excuse me there's a little matter I have to discuss with ALF.
    Jake: Oh, take your time, sir. We'll be fine. Oh, uh, could you dim the lights on your way out? [hops on the sofa]
    Lynn: No problem. [gets up and turns off the light]

#### Part 2

    Lynn: [answers the phone] Hello? Dad, it's ALF.
    Willie: Would you tell him to come in here if he wants to talk to me?
    Lynn: Dad said that you're gonna have to come in here if you want to talk to him. He says that's gonna be a problem.
    Willie: Hello, ALF.
    ALF: [on the phone at the Ochmoneks] Oh, Willie! Willie! Willie! What have I done?
    Willie: I don't know, ALF. What have you done?
    ALF: Did you see Dog Day Afternoon?
    Willie: Where are you?
    Griswald: [on megaphone] The house is surrounded. Come out with your hands up.
    ALF: Please hold. Uh, no dice! I'm armed, I'm dangerous and I'm off my medication.
    Jake: Hey! Hey! The cops have somebody cornered in my house!
    ALF: As you may have gathered, Willie. I'm in big trouble.
    Willie: You're always in trouble.
    ALF: Yeah, but even on the ALF scale this one's a humdinger. I need help.
    Willie: What happened, ALF?
    ALF: Long story short, I saw a burglar at the Ochmonek's and scared him away. Now, I'm trapped and I'm scared. Oh, the irony of it all.
    Willie: Well, can't you make a run for it?
    ALF: I take it you didn't see the end of Butch Cassidy either.
    Willie: No, I didn't.
    ALF: But you've got to do something, ALF. They might storm the house.
    Willie: Oh, yeah.
    ALF: I've got hostages in here! Think that'll hold them? Or should I say that the hostages are nuns?
    Willie: No nuns. None. [I'm coming over.
    ALF: Okay, but hurry! I don't think these guys will give you much of a grace period if you catch my drift.
    Willie: [hangs up the phone] ALF's trapped at the Ochmonek's.
    Jake: I know the feeling.
    Willie: I'm going over.
    Brian: Me too.
    Kate: No! You're staying here. It's too dangerous.
    Jake: Yeah, you might lose your cool when the bullets start flyin'.
    Willie: Bullets? There'll be bullets?
    Kate: Jake, that is ridiculous. Willie, be careful.
    Willie: Oh, uh, I will. By the way, how did Butch Cassidy end?
    Kate: They were gunned down by the Bolivian army.
    Lynn: Yeah, it was really cool.
    Willie: I can dig it.
    Kate: [on the phone] Hello, Hairy.
    ALF: Hi, too much rouge?
    Kate: So, how is it going?
    ALF: Fine, I've met a lot of nice new people who wanna kill me.
    Kate: That's nice.
    ALF: Oh, I'm glad you're taking it so well.
    Kate: Uh, I-I really can't talk right now. We have, company.
    ALF: Oh, you invited people over! Hey, hey, I wouldn't want you to stop living because I might.
    Kate: We didn't invite them. They just dropped by.
    Raquel: Well, excuse us for being under siege.
    Kate: Um. Uh, Willie hasn't forgotten about you. I'm sure we'll be seeing you soon. Okay, Hairy?
    ALF: Do I have the right number?
    Kate: Yes. Goodbye. [hangs up] Do I use too much rouge?
    Raquel: I always thought so.

### We Gotta Get Out of This Place [2.18]

    [Willie and ALF are playing chess]
    ALF: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
    Willie: Why not?
    ALF: Because I might lose.
    Willie: I'm sorry. Check.
    [the telephone rings]
    ALF: Get that, Willie. I want to plan my next move.
    [short pause]
    Willie: [on the phone] Hello. The who Meister? Yeah, sure. Just a minute. Hang on. It's for you. [gives the phone to ALF]
    ALF: It must be Jody. [on the phone] Hello. Hey, Jod-meister. What's happening? I saw that, Willie. Your building's going where? Condo? Where's condo? Oh! Oh! Hey, it's no problem. Yeah, you could stay here till you find a new place. Well, why would anybody mind? No, we have a slogan here, welcome. It's on the mat outside. Uh, Willie sends his love. Okay, buh-bye. Hang that up, will you, Willie? [Willie hangs up the phone]
    Willie: The mat outside says, wipe your feet.
    ALF: Jody's blind. She'll never know.
    ALF: [prepares for Jodi's arrival by moving all the furniture in the living room into a pile] Perfect. [lamp crashes] Almost perfect.
    Willie: What was that crash?
    ALF: A lamp fell off the furniture.
    Willie: That leads to my next 2 questions. A, what was the lamp doing on a pile of furniture? And B. Why is the furniture in a pile?
    ALF: Well, aren't you forgetting C? What are we having for lunch?
    [Kate and Lynn comes to the living room, shocked]
    Lynn: Who piled up all the furniture? ALF, why did you pile up all the furniture?
    ALF: I stacked it to get it out of Jody's way.
    Willie: She'll be safe as long as she stays out of the falling-lamp zone.
    Kate: ALF, let's, let's rethink this. Jody lived in an apartment. Jody had furniture. Jody walked around the furniture.
    ALF: See Jody. See Jody run. Run, Jody, run.
    Willie: See the furniture. See the alien move the furniture back. Move, alien, move.
    ALF: See the alien throw out his back. See the alien blame the Tanners. Lawsuit, Tanners, lawsuit.
    Brian: [arrives home] I think the Jodster's here.
    ALF: Okay, everyone, stay calm.
    Lynn: We are calm.
    ALF: Well, then, show some enthusiasm.
    Jody: [knocks and arrives at the Tanners] Excuse me, I'm not sure I have the right house. I'm looking for-
    ALF: Jod-meister!
    Jody: [chuckles] This is the place. [as she hears the car honking] Uh, it's okay. Thanks.
    Willie: Come on in, Jody. I'm Willie.
    Jody: Oh, the patriarch of the Tanner clan.
    Willie: Sounds good to me. And-and this is my wife, Kate.
    Kate: Hello.
    Jody: Kate, hi.
    Willie: And-and this is Lynn and Brian.
    Lynn: Hi, nice to meet you.
    Jody: You too.
    Brian: Hi.
    ALF: Jody, run around. You won't bump into anything.
    Jody: [chuckles] Oh. Well, I-I hope you didn't go to the trouble of rearranging the furniture.
    ALF: It was no trouble. It was fun.
    Willie: It'll be even more fun putting it back.
    ALF: Oh, well, then you could do it.
    Jody: Thanks for letting me stay here. I hate to impose, but I-I didn't know what else to do.
    Willie: Well, you're not imposing.
    Kate: No. We're glad you're here.
    ALF: And stay as long as you like.
    Brian: Yeah, ALF did.
    [at the end, ALF gets ready to eat Lucky]
    ALF: Lucky, I'm going to show you what it's like to be plunged into a world of darkness. [shoves Lucky in his mouth until Kate comes]
    Kate: ALF!
    ALF: Kate, just in time! The cat almost got my tongue.
    Kate: Give me this cat! [takes Lucky away from him]
    ALF: Bad, Lucky, bad! Now I know how Wile E. Coyote feels.
    [Kate walks away with Lucky as the episode ends]

### You Ain't Nothin But a Hound Dog [2.19]

    ALF: [while cutting the plants] This is pretty hefty punishment for breaking 1 measly chimney.
    Brian: Hey ALF, watch this! [throws a stick to the ground]
    ALF: Interesting.
    Brian: It's a dog.
    ALF: I could see that, but it wrecked your stick trick. What was supposed to happen?
    Brian: That was it. That's how you play fetch.
    ALF: Fascinating game. Right up there with watching golf.
    Brian: You wanna throw one? Alright. What harm could it do?
    [ALF throws the stick to the Ochmoneks' backyard]
    Willie: [comes in] Hi.
    ALF: Hi.
    Willie: What are the chances that the crash I just heard was the Ochmoneks breaking their own window?
    Brian: Slim and none. And slim is out of town.
    Willie: Where did this dog come from?
    Brian: She followed me home from school.
    Trevor: [offscreen] Hey, Tanner!
    Willie: ALF, you better hide whilst I, once again, take the blame for something you did.
    ALF: Thanks, Willie. You're a prince.
    Willie: I'm a king.
    Trevor: [comes to the Tanners' backyard] Good afternoon, guys. Does this look familiar to anyone?
    Willie: Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Trevor. B-Brian and I were, we were just, sort of, play. It's $20, right?
    Trevor: 80.
    Willie: $80?
    Trevor: Yeah, I'm putting in Plexiglas this time. It'll be cheaper for you in the long run.
    Willie: Good planning.
    Trevor: Thanks.
    Willie: Well, I'll see ya. [ALF pops his head out] So long, Trevor. [Trevor leaves the Tanners' backyard] She sure is a pretty dog.
    Brian: Can we keep her?
    ALF: Yeah, Willie. Can we, huh?
    Willie: No, I don't know. I'm sure she's got an owner somewhere.
    Brian: Can't we just keep her until we find the owner?
    Willie: Well, I guess so. As long as it's okay with your mom.
    ALF: Oh, goody, goody, goody, goody!
    Brian: I didn't know you liked dogs.
    ALF: What's not to like? They're loyal, obedient, they hate cats. [the dog growls] And those who eat them!
    Lynn: [comes in the kitchen with a beef bone that Alfina ate] Anyone lose a steak?
    Kate: O-o-okay, ALF. I'm sorry I accused you.
    ALF: Apology accepted. I'd hate to be in your paws, you cattle rustler!
    Kate: Bad dog! Oh, I didn't mean it. No, she didn't mean it. Oh. Here. You're a good dog, aren't you? Yes, you are. Come on, pup. Come on.
    ALF: [imitating Kate] You're a good dog. Yes, you are. [normal] This is an outrage! That dog should be flogged on the quarterdeck. Whatever that means.
    Kate: Oh, ALF, she's just a dog. She doesn't know any better.
    ALF: Ignorance is no excuse.
    Kate: Ignorance is your excuse all the time.
    ALF: I don't know what you're talking about.
    Mrs. Buttonwood: [arrives at the Tanners to look for Alfina] Where is he?
    Willie: Where's who?
    Mrs. Buttonwood: My dog. That's who. You found him, didn't you?
    Willie: Well, yes, we did. I mean, that is to say we found a dog.
    Mrs. Buttonwood: He's mine. Where is he?
    Brian: It's not a he. She's a she.
    Mrs. Buttonwood: I knew that. Is that her?
    Lynn: Don't you recognize her?
    Mrs. Buttonwood: Of course, I do. Come here, dog!
    [Alfina growls]
    Kate: She doesn't seem to be responding to you.
    Mrs. Buttonwood: We had a fight! She'll get over it.
    Willie: Uh, do you suppose and, uh, mind you, this is just a thought, that you might be mistaken about this being your dog?
    Mrs. Buttonwood: I lost a dog. You found a dog. Can we do business or not?
    Willie: I think not.
    Mrs. Buttonwood: [gives Willie her a note] Here's my address and telephone number in case you change your mind.
    Willie: [quietly] Okay.
    Mrs. Buttonwood: [yelling] HAVE A NICE DAY!
    ALF: [shocked as Alfina is sleeping on his bed] Is nothing sacred? Out of my bed! You come in here, stick your big snout into everything. Take over the house, eat all the food. That's my job. How would you feel about relocating? I'll take that as a yes.
    Lynn: [opens the door revealing it's Hannah] Hi, can I help you?
    Hannah: I came to get my dog.
    Lynn: Oh, okay, come on in.
    Hannah: This is her. This is my dog, Francesca. Can I have her back, please?
    Lynn: Sure.
    Kate: Oh, uh, no, wait. Um, before we give her to you we have to make sure she is your dog.
    Hannah: Oh, she's my dog, alright. She's brown and white and shaggy, and she does tricks.
    Kate: What kind of tricks?
    Hannah: The wrong tricks. Like, when I tell her to sit up and beg she rolls over and plays dead.
    Kate: That's her, alright.
    Hannah: My dad taught her that. He has a weird sense of humor.
    Brian: [comes to the living room] I can't find Alfina anywhere.
    Hannah: Who's Alfina?
    Willie: Oh, we have a little problem. Uh.
    Hannah: Hannah.
    Willie: Hannah. I'm Mr. Tanner. This is my wife, Mrs. Tanner.
    Kate: Hello.
    Willie: And these are the Tanner siblings, Brian, Lynn.
    Lynn and Brian: Hi.
    Willie: Um, Hannah is here to pick up her dog. Uh-oh. Where is she? Actually, we don't know where she is just at the moment.
    Hannah: Oh, no. I have to sit down.
    Kate: Oh, please.
    Willie: You know, we did find your dog. I mean, Brian found your dog. It's just that she seems to have, wandered off.
    Kate: Oh, Hannah. No, don't cry. We'll help you find your dog.
    Willie: And if we can't, I can think of a suitable replacement.
    Mrs. Buttonwood: [as she hears Willie knocking on the door] Shut up, you mutt! I'm coming! I'm coming! Keep your pants on! [opens the door] Oh, it's you.
    Willie: Oh, I-I-I'm sorry, Mrs. Buttonwood I-I hope I'm not disturbing you.
    Mrs. Buttonwood: Step inside, Tanner. You're letting all the flies out.
    Willie: Hey-hey, hey. Alfina. Hey, how you doing, girl? You know, Mrs. Buttonwood, I-I-I'd really like to have her back.
    Mrs. Buttonwood: I'd like to be Christie Brinkley. You learn to live with it.
    Willie: But the dog's real owner came by today and she, she would love to have her back.
    Mrs. Buttonwood: She can have her back.
    Willie: Great.
    Mrs. Buttonwood: For 500 bucks.
    Willie: 500?
    Mrs. Buttonwood: Bucks! You have a hearing problem?
    Willie: But the dog's real owner is-is a little girl. And-and she misses her so much. You know, she was crying in my living room.
    Mrs. Buttonwood: Aw. Breaks your heart, doesn't it? 500 BUCKS!
    Willie: Will you take a check?
    Mrs. Buttonwood: CASH!
    Willie: Cash. You can't be too careful.
    Mrs. Buttonwood: There's a lot of slime out there.
    Willie: I hear you.
    Mrs. Buttonwood: You know, I don't have $500 cash on me.
    Mrs. Buttonwood's Ex-Boyfriend: [knocking from outside] Ethel! Open up!
    Mrs. Buttonwood: My ex-boyfriend, that is, if he ain't short of a dollar and jealous to the bone. Just a minute, honey. I'm not dressed yet.
    Mrs. Buttonwood's Ex-Boyfriend: Ethel! You got a man in there?'
    Mrs. Buttonwood: MAYBE THERE IS! You better get out of here while your face is still in the front.
    Willie: But I, I haven't done anything.
    Mrs. Buttonwood: I'll give you a rain check.
    Willie: Climb out that window.
    Mrs. Buttonwood: Oh, that's silly!
    Willie: Is there a backdoor?
    Mrs. Buttonwood: It's all boarded up. Vince threw the mailman through it last week.
    Willie: [as he climbs out of the window]Oh, suddenly, that looks like quite a drop!
    Mrs. Buttonwood: Don't be a wuss.
    Willie: [falls down from Mrs. Buttonwood's window] Stop!
    Brian: Why did you give Alfina to that mean lady?
    ALF: Sorry.
    Brian: I'm not playing with you anymore, ever! [Willie comes in] Dad, where's Alfina?
    Willie: I'm sorry, Brian. I couldn't get her back.
    Brian: Why not?
    Willie: Mrs. Buttonwood only wanted the dog so she could get $500 from the real owner.
    Brian: It's all your fault, ALF! [runs off]
    ALF: He's right. I got us into this. I'll get us out. Willie, can I borrow $500,000? I'll give it back to you next payday.
    Willie: You don't have a job.
    ALF: I meant your next payday.
    Willie: Stay out of this. You're in enough hot water!
    ALF: So what's a little more?

### Hit Me With Your Best Shot [2.20]

    [ALF is sitting in the kitchen wearing shades and staring at a sunlamp]
    Kate: [walks over to him] What are you doing?
    ALF: [with a sunlamp in front of his head] Oh, soaking up rays, Babe. Your sunlamp's not working. I've been sitting here for 5 hours, Nada.
    Kate: 5 hours? ALF, you're lucky you didn't get a sunburn. [she touches ALF as ALF screams] Sorry.
    ALF: Aah, oh, it hurts, it hurts.
    Kate: [takes the sunlamp away from ALF] Well, would you like some cold cream?
    ALF: Yeah, but just one scoop, I'm on a diet.
    Kate: It's for your nose.
    ALF: That's where I'm trying to lose the weight.
    Kate: ALF, I'm talking about cold cream. Not ice cream. Cold cream. You understand?
    ALF: You're talking like they're 2 different things.
    Kate: They are! Haven't you been listening?
    ALF: What is this, healing through hollering?
    [Brian comes in the kitchen after he had a school fight]
    Kate: Brian, what happened?
    ALF: Yeah, you look terrible.
    Brian: I was in a fight.
    ALF: Looking like that? Yeesh!
    ALF: [while teaching Brian karate] After this lesson, You'll never get beat up at school again.
    Brian: I'm not going to school anymore.
    ALF: Don't say that. School's important. If you dropout, don't get anywhere in life. You'll hang around the house all day eating and watching TV.
    Brian: But I want to be like you.
    ALF: I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Alright, now, the trick here is to concentrate all your energy and let it explode in a blinding flash of destruction. Watch. [does a karate move and hits the board] Hee-yah!
    Brian: Alright!
    ALF: Well, that never worked before.
    Brian: Do it again.
    ALF: Okay. [does another karate move but his hand doesn't break the board] Hee-yah! I guess there's only pain when you don't break the board. Unbelievable pain.
    Willie: [comes in the garage] Hey, Brian. You-your mother told me what happened. Are you okay?
    Brian: Yeah, ALF's teaching me the martial arts.
    Willie: I don't want you teaching my son to fight, ALF.
    ALF: Call an ambulance.
    Willie: I'm serious, ALF.
    ALF: Oh, and I'm not? I broke my hand.
    Willie: Wha.. Let me see if that. [looks at ALF's hand] It looks fine.
    ALF: Thank you, Professor X-ray.
    Willie: It's fine, ALF.
    ALF: It's fine. Oh. Hey, that feels good. Could you do my shoulders?
    Willie: You know, ALF, if you really wanna help, you'd teach him not to fight.
    ALF: Well, he already knows how to do that. Look at his face.
    Willie: Excuse me, ALF, I know where of I speak. You see, when I was about Brian's age there was a bully who lived on our block who was always picking on me.
    ALF: Where of? Sorry. I'm still fascinated by the oddities of the English language.
    Willie: Anyway, this bully, his name was Clarence...
    ALF: Oh-ha! Tough neighborhood. [he laughs but he hits his hand again]
    Willie: Every day, I'd try to stand up to him and every day he'd beat me up. Until finally my father told me to just turn the other cheek.
    Brian: Is this the same grandfather that talked to corn chips?
    Willie: He was a wise man. And, see, you know what happened? When I refused to fight Clarence stopped bothering me. You see, it's no fun to pick on someone who won't fight back. So tomorrow, Bobby comes up to you if he starts teasing you. I want you to just walk away, okay?
    Brian: Okay.
    ALF: Willie, my hand still hurts. Kiss it? [Willie kisses his hand] Whoa. How continental.
    Kate: [on the phone] I love you too, mom. Buh-bye. [hangs up the phone] Why are those boards in the fireplace?
    Lynn: ALF said, if you can't break 'em, burn 'em.
    Kate: ALF!
    ALF: [pops up from the kitchen] Boing!
    Kate: ALF, we are not going to let you burn perfectly good lumber.
    ALF: Oh, right, one of these days Willie's gonna build that gazebo.
    [Brian comes home from school and tries to hide his face from Lynn]
    Lynn: Brian, what's wrong?
    Brian: [after getting beaten up again] Nothing. See you tomorrow.
    Kate: [stops Brian from leaving] Oh, no, not again.
    Willie: Brian!
    Brian: Hi, dad. Bobby beat me up again.
    Willie: Oh, no.
    Brian: I tried to walk away, like you said. But he was sitting on me at the time.
    Kate: Let me get the first aid kit. [takes Brian to the kitchen] Come on, Bri, let me clean you up.
    ALF: Alright! That's it! I say we fight violence with violence. That's how we used to solve things back home.
    Willie: But ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet?
    ALF: Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why?
    Willie: Don't you see the connection?
    ALF: What connection?
    Willie: I give up.
    ALF: Me too. I'm gonna lay down. My head is spinning. Maybe a cold cream sundae. [walks off]
    Brian: You should have heard what Bobby said.
    Kate: Did he insult me again?
    Brian: No. Dad.
    Willie: What did he say about me?
    Brian: He said you must have been desperate to marry someone like mom.
    Kate: I'm glad to see he's off my case.
    Lynn: Did he say anything about me?
    Brian: Yeah. He said you were cute.
    Lynn: Does he know I'm mom's daughter?
    Kate: [serious] This isn't funny! I'm sorry, Bri, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call Bobby's mother.
    ALF: Save your dialing finger, Kate. She's not home. She went down to the liquor store.
    Lynn: Who told you that?
    ALF: Bobby's father. Oh, by the way, he's coming over here to beat the stuffing out of Willie.
    Willie: What? Why?
    ALF: Well, he didn't like the way you talked to him on the phone.
    Willie: ALF, I thought we agreed that you'd stop impersonating me on the phone.
    ALF: We agreed I would stop impersonating the cast of Green Acres. [imitating] Although, Mr. Haney could have sold Brian some revivifying potion out of the back of his truck.
    Willie: ALF, what did I say, to Bobby's father?
    ALF: You were a bit rough actually. It was so unlike you.
    Willie: What did he say to me?
    ALF: He said that. He was gonna turn your face into silly putty. Hey, look at the bright side you'll be able to reproduce the Sunday comics.
    [the doorbell rings]
    Brian: That might be Bobby's dad.
    ALF: I'm outta here. Hey, and don't worry, Willie we won't let them keep you alive artificially. [hides away as Willie and Kate leave the kitchen]
    ALF: [to Willie, after Willie bodily throws Mr. Duncan out of the house] Way to go, Four Eyes! Yeah!
    Kate: [when she threw Mr. Duncan out of the house] YOU ARE OUT OF HERE!

### Movin' Out [2.21]

    Kate: Honey, would you like some breakfast?
    Willie: No, I'll just have this cinnamon roll.
    ALF: Sorry, we're out. [he takes the cinnamon roll away but Willie grabs it off his hand]
    [ALF is in Kate and Willie's bed eating crackers]
    Kate: I don't believe you're eating crackers in bed.
    ALF: I know. It's such a clich? Could you "hoover" the crumbs out of my fur?
    Kate: I want every single crumb out of this bed. Including you.
    ALF: I know you're upset about Willie, but he'll be home soon. I won't leave this bed, until he is.
    Willie: [comes in] Hi.
    ALF: Rats!
    Willie: Just what I wanted to see in my bed.
    ALF: Thanks. Cracker?
    Kate: It's 11pm. What happened?
    Willie: I'm sorry, Kate. I got in a big tie-up on the on the,
    ALF: Freeway.
    Willie: Freeway. I suppose you've discussed the crackers in bed.
    Kate: We were just discussing that, when you came in.
    ALF: Yes, your arrival was most fortuitous.
    Willie: Not that it matters, I'm so tired that I could sleep on broken glass.
    ALF: Then you might want to sleep by the China cabinet.
    Willie: [picks up the phone] Hi, Brian?
    ALF: Hi, daddy!
    Willie: I'm very busy.
    ALF: What are you doing?
    Willie: I'm assigning parking spaces.
    ALF: I thought you were a social worker.
    Willie: I'm very busy ALF. I can't talk now.
    ALF: Put me on hold. I'll listen to the Muzak.
    Willie: Goodbye, ALF.
    Willie: Oh, ALF.
    ALF: [pops up] Could you get those two back in here? They didn't even check the bathroom. I loosened every third tile.
    Willie: This is not the worst thing you've ever done. This is the 15th worst thing you've ever done.
    ALF: What was number 9?
    Willie: What possible reason could you have had for this?
    ALF: Nobody wants to move, including you.
    Willie: How do you know that?
    ALF: Because you're a social worker.
    Willie: What's that got to do with anything-
    ALF: Follow me, Willie. I'm trying to be linear. Well, one could define social worker as a person who performs work for the social good, couldn't one?
    Willie: Yes.
    ALF: Well, then how come all you're doing is playing musical parking spaces and firing guys?
    Willie: You know, I also have to find a shortstop for the office softball team.
    ALF: Just tell me this. Why are we moving out of a house we do like so you can keep a job you don't like?
    Willie: I don't know.
    ALF: I win.
    Kate: [comes in her and Willie's room] ALF, how could you-
    Willie: No, no, hold-hold on, Kate. Before we give ALF the 15th worst scolding he's ever had I think there's something you ought to know. [Brian and Lynn come in Willie and Kate's room] Brian, Lynn, Kate, how would you all feel if I asked for my old job back and we just stayed in this house?
    Brian: Yay!
    Lynn: Oh, do you mean it, dad?
    Willie: Of course, umm, I-I'm not gonna have that raise, you know?
    ALF: Forget it, we'll move. Sorry. A momentary attack of shallowness. I'm over it.
    Kate: Well, honey, y-you worked so hard for this promotion. What made you change your mind?
    Willie: Actually, it was ALF who convinced me we'd all be happier if we stayed right here.
    ALF: Oh! Although, instead of destroying the house, why didn't we just talk about it? That was plan B.
    ALF: [pops his head out from the basement] Hey, great. Now we've got a furnished basement. Whoa, I am outta here! [he heads down to the basement as Kate and Willie are shocked as the episode ends]

### I'm Your Puppet [2.22]

    Willie: [opens the door and sees Pete with ALF's package] Oh, hi, Pete.
    Pete: Hi, Willie. Another package for ALF Tanner.
    Willie: How much?
    Pete: $29.95. You got off easy this time.
    Willie: There you go. I'll see you.
    Pete: Yeah. Probably this afternoon. [leaves]
    Willie: Oh, ALF. I have a package and a lecture for you.
    ALF: [comes to the living room for his package] How come those things always come in pairs? Oh boy! It came! [he and Willie fight over the box while ALF opens it]
    Lynn: Oh, ALF, what is it this time?
    ALF: Beats me.
    Willie: You're getting styrofoam all over the carpet.
    ALF: Sorry. [he eats one of the styrofoam and spits it out] Yuck! They're stale.
    Lynn: Look! It's a ventriloquist's dummy.
    ALF: I saw one of these little guys on TV. He was hilarious! [Lynn gives him his dummy] Come on, dummy, speak to me! Just my luck. He's a mute.
    ALF: What should I name him?
    Lynn: I don't know. Their names are usually goofy like Mortimer Snerd, Knuckle-Head Smith.
    ALF: I think I'll call him Paul.
    Lynn: Paul? That's not a goofy name.
    ALF: It is on Melmac. One time I called a guy "Paul", I ended up with 14 stitches. Good thing I didn't call him a "Son of a Paul".
    ALF: Ta-da! Welcome to the Tanner dinner theater. Starring Gordon Shumway and Paul!
    Willie: Oh, ALF, what are you doing? We were just-
    ALF: There will be no talking during tonight's performance. And now, our opening joke. Say hello, dummy!
    Paul: Hello, dummy!
    [ALF laughs]
    Willie: Oh, brother!
    ALF: Oh-oh! The crowd looks tough.
    Paul: So does the roast beef. [laughs]
    ALF: Hey, Paul. It looks like they're glad to see you.
    Paul: Oh, that's cause with me on your hand you can't grab all the food!
    [the family laughs]
    ALF: We kill us!
    Lynn: ALF, how did you get so good so fast?
    ALF: Well, I pick things up pretty quickly.
    Paul: Except for those Styrofoam thingies. You shoved them under the rug!
    [Willie goes to the kitchen and opens the fridge late at night]
    Paul: [voiceover] If you're looking for the roast beef, I set it free.
    Willie: [goes to ALF's room] Hi, ALF. I didn't know you were still awake.
    Paul: ALF's asleep. You're talking to me. [laughs]
    Paul: Can't you pack any faster?
    ALF: Not one handed. Why do we have to run away?
    Paul: Because this place is a suburban Sing Sing.
    Brian: [comes in] Hey, ALF. Whatcha doing?
    ALF: I'm running away from home.
    Paul: Oh, great. Tell the whole world.
    Brian: Why are you running away?
    Paul: [satisfied] NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! [laughs evily]
    Brian: [angrily] I'M GONNA TELL DAD! [he leaves the garage] DAD!
    ALF: Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!
    Paul: Shut up and keep packing.
    ALF: Well, what if I don't wanna go? What if someone sees me?
    Paul: I'll tell 'em you're my pet sloth, which isn't too far from the truth.
    ALF: I don't know why I stay friends with you.
    Paul: Because I'm your alter ego.
    ALF: You're my what?
    Paul: I tell you what to do. Now, grab that radio over there. We'll hock it.
    ALF: I can't take that. It's Willie's!
    [Willie and Kate come in the garage]
    Willie: You're not taking anything. And I think it's time I took that dummy away from you.
    ALF: No! No!
    Paul: Yeah. Back off or you'll be sucking splinters.
    Kate: ALF, Paul is only a toy. How about if we replace him with a Papa Smurf?
    Paul: Why don't we replace the two of you with Ozzie and Harriet? At least Harriet could cook.
    Kate: That's it, mister! You are kindling!
    ALF: No, no! Don't take Paul away from me. He'll die!
    Willie: ALF, why don't you and Paul just go in the house? We're not gonna bother you anymore. I promise.
    ALF: See how nice they are? Thank you. That's very kind of-
    Paul: Come on! Come on! I'll teach you how to smoke. [he and ALF leave the garage]
    ALF: But I don't wanna smoke.
    Paul: It's good for ya.
    ALF: Really?
    Paul: Oh, yeah.
    Kate: Willie, what? What did you do that for?
    Willie: Don't worry. I'm getting psychiatric help.
    Kate: Good for you, honey. But what about ALF?
    Willie: That's what I meant. I'm calling Larry. He helped ALF last year. He didn't even send us a bill.
    Kate: You get what you pay for.
    [ALF and Paul are both with Lynn watching TV while Willie is checking on them through the kitchen window]
    Paul: Give me some nuts!
    ALF: But I don't want any nuts.
    Paul: I do! [ALF gives him some nuts and Paul crushes them with his head]
    Lynn: [angrily] That is really annoying.
    Paul: [satisfied] GOOD!
    Lynn: ALF, your dummy is making me very uncomfortable.
    ALF: Well, at least you don't have to sleep with him.
    [Paul opens his mouth to Lynn]
    Lynn: [angrily] He's giving me the creeps! [Paul laughs evilly] GOODBYE! [she angrily leaves because of ALF and Paul]
    Paul: I think she likes me. [he crushes the peanuts with his head]
    Larry: [comes to the living room to meet ALF while Paul is continuing to crush peanuts with his head] Hey, ALF.
    ALF: Larry!
    Larry: Nice seeing you again. How are you?
    ALF: Hey!
    Paul: Oh, great! Look who walked in. You've got a lot of nerve showing your face around here.
    Larry: Who's he?
    ALF: Paul, this is Larry. He's a shrink.
    Paul: Tell him to beat it. I'm small enough as it is. [laughs]
    Larry: So, uh, what's new?
    Paul: Well, certainly not your suit. When they made that, there was only one Brooks brother. [laughs]
    Larry: You're really a riot. I'm surprised you don't get along with the Tanners.
    ALF: Well, it's not my fault. I like the Tanners.
    Paul: Speak for yourself.
    Larry: What's wrong with the Tanners?
    Paul: Too many stupid rules. Don't eat the cat! Don't break the dishes! Don't eat the cat!
    Larry: ALF, do you object to these rules?
    ALF: Yeah, especially rules numbers 1 and 3.
    Larry: I think I'm beginning to understand.
    Paul: Oh, wait. You haven't heard all the rules. Don't throw food on the floor! Don't eat food off the floor! Don't bonk the guests!
    ALF: I never heard that one.
    Paul: Great! Bonk! [hits Larry's leg] Still friends?
    Larry: Funny. Funny guy. Oh. [Larry leaves and goes to the kitchen]
    Paul: [voiceover] More nuts. [he continues crushing the peanuts with his head]
    [Larry heads to the kitchen and meets up with Kate and Willie]
    Kate: What's wrong with ALF?
    Larry: His dummy's a jerk.
    Willie: I'm glad we asked for a professional opinion.
    ALF: More plates! That picture taunts me still.
    Kate: We're out of plates.
    Larry: Break something else, ALF.
    Willie: Like what? How about something small, wooden, and obnoxious?
    Paul: Leave Kate's meatloaf out of this.
    ALF: He was talking about you. And he's right. You are obnoxious.
    Paul: Yeah. Well, you're a mama's alien.
    ALF: Paul, you said you were my friend.
    Paul: I lied.
    Larry: Think about it, ALF. Do you really need a friend like Paul?
    ALF: He's right. I don't need you.
    Paul: Oh, yeah?
    ALF: Yeah!
    Paul: Yeah?
    ALF: Yeah! Say goodbye, dummy!
    Paul: Goodbye, dummy!
    Larry: You shouldn't have bonked a guest.
    Willie: How are you feeling, ALF?
    ALF: Great! I'm on a house-wrecking high.
    Kate: He means how do you feel about Paul?
    ALF: Well, I guess I'll miss him. But I'll get over it. I'm over it.
    Larry: He'll be all right. To prove it, I'll send you a bill.
    Kate: ALF, do you really feel okay about this?
    ALF: Yeah, I've lost a friend, But I've regained my left hand.
    Willie: We're so happy to hear it.
    ALF: Now, if memory serves we were chucking plates at grandma.
    Lynn: Morning, ALF.
    ALF: Hi, Lynn.
    Paul: [voiceover] Hi, Lynn.
    Lynn: Don't do that.
    ALF: Boy, nobody likes that joke. Willie and Kate almost fell out of bed. Brian threw a gobot at me.
    Lynn: Well, we're all glad Paul's gone. He is gone, isn't he?
    ALF: Yeah. In fact, last night, I gave him a traditional Melmacian funeral. I laid him to rest, in the same way I hope to be someday.
    Lynn: Where is he?
    ALF: In the freezer, next to the fish sticks.
    [Lynn finds Paul stuffed in the freezer which startles her when she opens the door as the episode ends]

### Tequila [2.23]

    Willie: [trying to get rid of the drawing on the wall] When, how, why did you do this?
    ALF: Half an hour ago. Crayon. Seemed like a good idea.
    Willie: Well, it's not coming off.
    Lynn: Maybe they won't notice.
    Kate: They won't notice, because they won't be coming here.
    ALF: If I were paranoid type, I'd think this had something to do with me.
    [Willie is painting through ALF's drawing on the wall while the phone rings]
    Brian: [walks and answers the phone] Hello? Dad, it's for you. It's mom.
    ALF: Go ahead, Willie. I'll hold the brush.
    Willie: [gives ALF the brush] Well. Okay, but don't paint with it.
    ALF: I won't.
    Willie: Don't eat it. [he walks away]
    ALF: He didn't say not to lick it.
    Brian: It's implied.
    ALF: Rats!
    Willie: Hello?
    Kate: Hi honey, it's me.
    Willie: Hi, Kate. What's the matter?
    Kate: Well, nothing really. But I'm here with Maura and she wants to spend the night.
    Willie: Here?
    Kate: Yes, she just had a big fight with John and she's very upset. I'd like to help her out. But honey, can we manage it?
    'Willie: Well, the sign's almost covered. [ALF goes up the ladder and reaches for his drawing] All we have to do is hide the artist.
    Kate: Okay, we'll be home in 30 minutes. She can sleep on the couch.
    Willie: That's no problem.
    ALF: [falls down from the ladder as paint wets the couch] WHOA!
    Brian: ALF!
    Willie: Can she sleep on the floor?
    [Maura is in the kitchen and ALF comes in]
    Maura: Hi!
    ALF: Uh oh!
    Maura: Nice try, though.
    ALF: Huh?
    Maura: Come on, Sammy. Did you honestly think that you would fool me with that silly disguise?
    ALF: Sammy? Sammy who?
    Maura: What do you mean? Sammy you!
    ALF: You know me?
    Maura: Of course. Quit fooling around. Sit down and have a drink.
    ALF: Well, maybe a short one.
    ALF: You realize I'm a figment of your imagination, not an alien from another planet? Right?
    Maura: Of course.
    ALF: Just checking. Gotta run! I've got other dreams to appear in.
    Maura: Knock it off, Sammy. You're not going anywhere.
    ALF: I'm not?
    Maura: No, we've been through all this before. That is the strangest I've ever seen you look.
    ALF: You should see me in a tank top.
    Maura: This beats the time you showed up as the dog in the cowboy suit.
    ALF: How often do I show up?
    Maura: You arrive during the 3rd margarita, and leave during the blackout.
    ALF: At least I'm consistent.
    Maura: Here, salud! [gives ALF a drink]
    ALF: [sniffs] Holy owned and operated! What is this stuff?
    Maura: What do you mean? We've been drinking tequila for 7 years.
    ALF: Did I ever ask what's in it?
    Maura: Nope, you just said it tastes better than it smells.
    ALF: Let's hope so. At least there's a worm in it. [gasps] I was wrong.
    Maura: About what?
    ALF: This tastes worse that it smells. [coughs]
    Kate: Rough night, last night, huh?
    Maura: Oh, no rougher than usual.
    Kate: Maura, I-I-I don't know exactly how to say this, but are you aware of how much you drink?
    Maura: Well, I drink, but no more than anybody else. I can certainly handle it.
    Kate: I'm not so sure about that. I think that you might have a little problem with this.
    Maura: [chuckles] Oh, Kate. Kate, I had a huge fight with my husband. I'm under a lot of pressure at the firm. [outside, ALF hears Maura] It helps me relax, that's all. I don't have a drinking problem. Look, Kate, I had a few drinks last night because I was happy to see everybody. I had one or two more here before I went to bed but that was it!
    ALF: [comes in the kitchen as he mimicks buzzer] Wrong!
    Maura: Sammy! Kate, do you see-
    ALF: She can't see or hear me, Maura. Only you can. I'm your drinking pal, remember?

### We Are Family [2.24]

    ALF: [in his first dream; inside a cage] Look at this. They've got me wired for cable. Let me see. Which was the button for a cheeseburger? [presses button] Ahhh! That's not it! [presses another button] Ahhh! I've got to label these buttons. [presses another button] Great. I wiped out half my childhood memories for celery! Hey, you! Come here.
    Man: Yes?
    ALF: How did you get out of your cage?
    Man: I work here.
    ALF: Sorry. I'll give you $5 to let me out. $10, if you clean the cage while I'm out.
    Man: Can't do it.
    ALF: Please! I've got to get out of here. I've got a family, I've got a life, I've got a cake in the oven!
    Man: You should've thought about that before exposing yourself, specimen ALF/1.
    ALF: I'm not a specimen. I'm a spaceman. Get the teeth fixed, Boris. [presses button] I guess there's still no word from the governor. [ALF's first dream ends] Well, you're living in the Dark Ages, Willie or won't he?
    ALF: [hosting his late-night talk show in his second dream] My, oh, my. We're having some fun tonight. Later on "Stupid Pet Tricks," you'll see a cat do a 50 foot dive into my mouth. Oh, I almost forgot. Say hello to Willie Tanner, ladies and gentlemen.
    Willie: Hi, babe. I want to thank you for bringing me on board after you fired Paul Shaffer.
    ALF: Oh, you're welcome. Willie boy, he does it all, including my laundry. [he laughs as his second dream ends]
    Willie: [goes to the bathroom and opens the shower to find ALF sitting down on the tub] ALF?
    ALF: Welcome to ALF-catraz. How was the party tonight?
    Willie: Oh, it was okay, I guess. Jake broke the pinata. Trevor bruised a couple of ribs diving for the candy. ALF, what are you doing?
    ALF: When Melmacians try to drown our sorrows, we gravitate towards cheap imitation porcelain.
    Willie: I'll have you know, this is expensive imitation porcelain.
    ALF: We also eat more.
    Willie: How is that possible?
    ALF: Well, our spare stomachs open up. By the way, don't bother looking for your laxative on a rope.
    Willie: Oh, you mean my soap on a rope?
    ALF: Trust me on this one.
    Lynn: [goes to the bathroom and gives his meal to ALF] Here you go, ALF
    Willie: Oh, wow, you really are depressed.
    ALF: I need something to wash this down. Got any ketchup?
    Lynn: Coming right up. Dad, we've got to do something about this.
    Willie: You're right.
    ALF: You may not want to watch this, Willie.
    Willie: Oh, I've seen you eat before, ALF.
    [ALF slurps his entire meal as Willie and Lynn leave the bathroom]
    Kate: [offscreen] Get out of this bathroom! I'm going to take a bath, and that's final! [door slams]
    ALF: Fine! I'll go sulk in the kids' bathroom.
    Willie: Before you do, ALF, could you come out here?
    ALF: Sure, why not? It's not like I was born free to follow my heart, or anything.
    [lights turns on]
    Willie, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody: Surprise!
    ALF: Willie, intruder alert!
    Willie: Oh, ALF!
    ALF: I've been seen by a vicious snarling mob. [everyone talks at once] Hey, hey, wait a minute. I know this mob.
    Willie: We've invited everyone who's ever met you.
    ALF: How's it going Jake-o-Lantern?
    Jake: Great! Give me 5!
    ALF: Here's 4. I owe you one! [laughs]
    Larry: How you doing, ALF?
    ALF: Larry, my shrink! Nice to see you when I'm not wacko.
    Dorothy: I'd challenge that.
    ALF: Grandma Dorothy, how's your much younger husband, Whizzer?
    Dorothy: Always a pleasure.
    Lynn: Look, ALF. Jody is here.
    ALF: Citizen cane! Yeah! Nice to see you.
    Jody: Nice not to see you!
    ALF: [laughs] What a kidder! Watch out for the lamp!
    Willie: ALF, we wanted to show you your world isn't as limited as you thought.
    Kate: It's not the same as going out and making new friends, but we hope it helps.
    ALF: I couldn't ask for more. Where are the presents?
    Willie: Presents? We gave you presents at Christmas and your birthday, and on St. Melmac's Day, which I really doubt was that big a holiday.
    ALF: Hey, forget the presents. I guess it's enough that my friends and Dorothy, are here.
    Dorothy: Surprise!
    Willie, Kate, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody: [giving ALF presents] Surprise!
    ALF: Oh, boy! Friends with presents are the best kind of friends and Dorothy.
    Trevor: [from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's us!
    Willie: Oh, no. It's Trevor. Well, he wasn't invited.
    Jake: Yeah, that never stops him.
    ALF: I think just for a change of pace, I'll, hide in the kitchen. Ha! I kill us. [he goes to the kitchen]
    Jody: Well, why is ALF hiding?
    Willie: Well, uh...
    Kate: He owes the Ochmoneks money.
    Lynn: I thought you said they were going out tonight.
    Jake: They always go dancing on Saturdays.
    Trevor: Oh, hello. Hi. We were wondering if you knew where Jake went?
    Jake: Right here!
    Raquel: Oh, you're having a party. How interesting.
    Trevor: And we weren't invited? After having them over last night!
    Raquel: Now, now, Trevor, I'm sure the Tanners had a very good reason for stiffing us.
    Willie: Well, it's not a party party.
    Kate: It's a Tupperware party.
    Trevor: Oh, you mean the party where you have to buy stuff?
    Raquel: Gotta dance!
    Trevor: But I will have a slab of that cake.
    Willie: I'll get a couple of plates.
    Trevor: Thanks. Bring Raquel one too.
    [Willie goes to the kitchen to meet ALF]
    Willie: I'm sorry for the interruption.
    ALF: No problem. I enjoy the challenge of avoiding those 2. It keeps me young.
    Willie: Not me.
    ALF: Hey, Willie. Thanks for the party and everything. It's nice to know there's someone around to save me from myself.
    Willie: You're welcome, pal!
    Raquel: [voiceover] Willie, I need a doggie bag.
    Kate: [voiceover] Raquel, don't go in there.
    ALF: Ah, the game is afoot.
    [Willie goes out the kitchen to stop Raquel from seeing ALF]

### Varsity Drag [2.25]

    Brian: [comes in] Hi ALF.
    ALF: Hi, what does E-N-N-U-I spell?
    Brian: Beats me.
    ALF: Then what do we send you to school for?
    Brian: Beats me.
    ALF: Can I see the mail? I'm expecting to hear from the matchbook people on how well I drew Binky.
    Brian: Here you go, ALF.
    ALF: Occupant. Resident. Lingerie catalog Kate, you saucy vixen, you! Uh oh.
    Brian: They didn't like your "Binky"?
    ALF: Worse! It's from that college Lynn wants to go to.
    Brian: Why is that bad?
    ALF: It's in Massachusetts. If she goes there, she won't live here.
    Lynn: [comes in] Hi!
    ALF: Hi! No mail today.
    Lynn: Than what are you holding?
    ALF: Mail. I'm a terrible liar.
    Lynn: Let me see.
    ALF: Wait. What does E-N-N-U-I, spell?
    Lynn: Ennui?
    ALF: Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! That's absolutely correct. No need to go to college.
    Lynn: [takes the mail from ALF] Give that to me. Oh my god! It's here! Cross your fingers everybody!
    ALF: No problem.
    Lynn: Alright! This is fantastic! I can't believe it! I've got to call Laurie. [runs off]
    ALF: Maybe she didn't get in.
    ALF: [cheering] Give me an L! Give me a Y! Give me an N-N-N! Now lose the extra N! What have ya got? [Lynn leaves her room] Was it something I spelled?
    ALF: So what you're saying is, I'm the real reason Lynn can't go away to school. [pause] I feel like slime. I feel like slime guts. I feel like slime gut droppings. I feel like slime gut droppings on an open fire. How do you feel?
    Brian: Nauseous.
    ALF: Kate? Willie? Where's the fire extinguisher? [he clicks his stopwatch as Kate and Willie run around until he stops his stopwatch] 2.1 seconds. A new record!
    Kate: There's no fire.
    ALF: I know, I just wanted your immediate attention.
    [ALF wakes up in the middle of the night and wakes up Willie and Kate]
    ALF: [clears throat] Now that you're up, could I see the two of you in the living room?
    [Kate groans]
    Willie: ALF, we're tired now. We wanna go to sleep.
    ALF: Fine, but I don't know how you two can sleep considering what's in the living room.
    [Willie and Kate come inside the living room and see many newspapers that ALF made]
    Willie: What are these?
    ALF: Newspapers, Willie. Get with it!
    Kate: Why are they here?
    ALF: Perhaps I should explain. Please do!
    Kate: No, let me guess. You're a newspaper boy.
    ALF: We prefer the term, "Paper Person." It's gender-neutral.
    Willie: Do you actually believe, that you can afford someone through college with a paper route?
    ALF: No. That's why I got 10 paper routes.
    Willie: 10 paper routes, there must be 500 papers here.
    ALF: Actually, 501. They gave me an extra copy by mistake. [chuckles]
    Kate: ALF, you can't deliver newspapers.
    ALF: Sure I can! You haven't seen my throwing arm. [Willie grabs the newspaper] Willie, I can't throw you and the newspaper. [Willie takes the newspaper away from him]