# Family Guy/Season 3

Family Guy – Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

### The Thin White Line

    Joe: [to Brian] Nice work, rookie!
    Cop 1: You're a credit to the force.
    Cop 2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!
    Rehab Counselor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
    Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister.

### Brian Does Hollywood

    Brian: Hey, what might be a thrill for you guys?
    Chris: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!
    Cosby: [wears Stewie's hypnotic goggles] So you're going to just sit here and enjoy it.
    Stewie: [hypnotized] I'm going to sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

### Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington

    Peter: Hey, since I became President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. [laughs]
    [cut to Alyssa Milano in reality, watching the show]
    Milano: What kinda cheap shot...?! [to her lawyer] Joel!
    Joel: I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

### One If By Clam, Two If By Sea

    Peter: Yep.
    Joe: Yep.
    Quagmire: Yep.
    Cleveland: Mmm-Hmm. [they drink]

### And the Wiener is...

    Lois: [after seeing Chris' penis] Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.
    Peter: How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.
    Lois: Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
    Peter: OH, MY GOD! [runs away]

### Death Lives

    Diane: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. [Tom snickers] You find this funny, Tom?
    Tom: No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?
    Death's Mother: Death! Put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite!
    Death: I don't have skin!
    Death's Mother: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!

### Lethal Weapons

    Lois: Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal," where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. [imitating Peter] Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's worthless and dumb and ignore her and only listen to me, Peter.
    Peter: [imitating Lois] I'm Lois. I break for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes, like that Narragansett Beer sign where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs. It was eight freaking dollars and we have a dozen places to put it!
    Stewie: Ooh, ooh, me next, me next. [imitating Brian] I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door.
    Brian: [imitating Stewie] I'm a pompous little Anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.
    Peter: You just hit me!
    Lois: That's right!
    [Peter punches her back, knocking her onto the floor]
    Lois: You can't hit me, I'm a girl!
    Peter: Sometimes I wonder.

### The Kiss Seen Around the World

    Connie: Hey, everybody! Mr. Lazenby's getting arrested!
    [all the students in Meg's classroom exit and watch as the police arrest, Mr. Lazenby]
    Principal Shepherd: Now, what in God's name…? [opens door] Mr. Lazenby, what the hell's going on here?!
    Lazenby: Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.
    Principal Shepherd: This stupid country...
    Meg: I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now, and eating a whole bowl of peanuts! [blank stares from Peter and Lois] I'm allergic to peanuts! [more blank stares] You don't know anything about me! [runs upstairs]
    Peter: Who was that guy?

### Mr. Saturday Knight

    [Peter paces back and forth just as Mr. Weed is on his way over for dinner]
    Lois: Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine.
    Peter: I hope so, 'cause if I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the Electric Company.
    [cut to the Electric Company with Peter and another man as Soft-Shoe Silhouettes]
    Man: D.
    Peter: -ot.
    Peter and the man: Dot.
    Man: B.
    Peter: -et.
    Man: Bet.
    Peter: Bet. I knew that. Slow it down, will ya?
    Man: P.
    Peter: -it.
    Man: Pit.
    Peter: Pit. C'mon, pal. It's my first dayǃ
    Man: F.
    Peter: -at.
    Man: Fat.
    Peter: Oh, that's it, buddyǃ
    [a fight breaks out between the two]

### A Fish Out of Water

    [Stewie walks up to a lady hanging up a framed pot of flowers painting on the wall.]
    Lady: There we are. It's a Van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful?
    Stewie: Oh, yes — I often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture.
    [Cut to the boys sitting on chairs in a semicircle, in gentlemen's outfits, talking very quickly in a posh English accent.]
    Stewie: The port is quite good.
    Brian: Yes, quite good.
    Chris: Indeed.
    Peter: Most certainly.
    Brian: What year is it?
    Chris: '51.
    Brian: Ah.
    Peter: Delectable.
    Stewie: Indeed.
    Chris: Yes.
    Peter: [catches fire] Oh, dear!
    Brian: What is it?
    Peter: I've spontaneously combusted.
    Stewie: Oh, I am sorry.
    Peter: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
    Stewie: Ah, very good then.
    Chris: For the best.
    Brian: Yes, indeed.
    Stewie: Oh, is it raining again?

### Emission Impossible

    [Peter is driving Lois and Carol to the hospital as Carol is going into labour. Lois is comforting Carol in the backseat]
    Lois: [to Carol] Don’t worry, Carol, we’re almost there. [noticing the car has stopped suddenly] Peter, why are we stopped?
    Peter: [talking to the drive-thru ordering speaker] Uh, yeah, I’ll have three cheeseburgers..
    Lois: Peter, for God sake, she’s having a baby!
    Peter: Oh, yeah, that’s right. And a kid’s meal. And I guess I’ll have fries. [to Lois and Carol] If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any? Because I don’t want to be the only one eating them, I feel like a fatty.
    Peter: [after Carol has given birth] Oh, my God!
    Lois: What? What?!
    Peter: [holds a crying baby] It's a beautiful baby girl.
    Carol: Oh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!
    Peter: But she has a penis. Well, we're gonna have to do something about that. [grabs a scalpel]
    Lois: [takes the scalpel] Peter, no! It's a boy!

### To Love and Die in Dixie

    Peter: [at the police station, where the convicts are held] Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, he's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-maybe you've seen him, his name is Chris Griffin. Oh, wait a second. I think I got a picture of him, somewhere...h-here you go. [gives the picture to the one who robbed the store] Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home. I was gonna throw that one out anyway 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.
    Peter: I don't know Brian... Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.
    Brian: Yeah, Too bad you always blow it in the interview.
    [flashback to said interview]
    Employer: Okay, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?
    Peter: [internally] Don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife... [aloud] Doing your... [stares at the employer's family photograph] ...son?
    [the employer stares at Peter in confusion]

### Screwed the Pooch

    [Brian dives into the race track and tackles Seabreeze]
    Meg: Oh, my God!
    Carter: He's violating Seabreeze!
    Peter: Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... [shocked] Now he's violating Seabreeze.
    [Peter plays poker with Carter and his poker friends]
    Turner: Aces high or low?
    Peter: They go both ways.
    [Bill Gates and Michael Eisner laugh]
    Gates: He said, "They go both ways".
    [all except Turner laugh]
    Turner: Like a bisexual.
    Eisner: Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.

### Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

    Miller: Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
    Peter: What the hell does "rant" mean?
    [Chris is watching a rap video on TV]
    Peter: Hey Chris, what are you doing? I am sittin' here shittin' myself! Give me some Dr. Peppa!
    Chris: Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, Pops, get me some cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I need to be making style.
    Peter: You be trippin', my man. Go hed and take 'ya dump, sun.
    Peter: Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.

### Ready, Willing, and Disabled

    Announcer: We now return to Touched By An Angel.
    [courtroom scene; a boy is on the stand]
    Prosecutor: [shows the boy a doll] Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?
    Boy: [points at the doll's crotch] Here.
    Angel: Oh, come on, who are you gonna believe? I got a freakin' halo!
    [Peter enters Tom Tucker's office, falsely handicapped]
    Peter: Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bertinerni.
    Tom: But, Mr. Griffin,...
    Peter: Ah-ah. [extracts tape] I even got the first piece you're gonna run: exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.
    [he inserts the tape in the TV/VCR, and video of him is shown]
    Peter: [on tape] Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! AIEEEEE!
    [the tape cuts to a shot of a scarecrow getting hit by the approaching car, then cuts back to Peter, who is on the ground, wailing and flailing]
    Peter: I'm handicapped now!
    [Tom pauses the tape]
    Tom: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.
    Peter: Oh, come on!
    Tom: [runs the tape back] And when I freeze-frame,...
    [he pauses at a point where the car hit the scarecrow, and behind the wheel is...]
    Tom: That's you driving the car.
    Peter: Well, there's your hook!
    Tom: Get out.

### A Freakin' Special Family Guy Christmas

    Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
    Brian: Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...
    Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel."
    Brian: [puts his sweater on] Doesn't get much gayer than this.
    Peter: My couch! My TV! [to Brian] What the hell did you do?!
    Brian: Me?! Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
    Peter: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family at risk.

### Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

    Goodman: It's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.
    Chris: [laughs] Rump.
    Peter: This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.
    [at a movie theater, the swallow in Peter's beard continuously eats Peter's popcorn]
    Peter: Damn it all!
    Patrons: SHH!
    Peter: Sorry! Sorry.
    [the swallow squawks loudly]
    Patron 1: Hey, shut up! Keep it down!
    Peter: Look, there's nothin' I can do. All right?
    Patron 2: Take it outside, pal!
    Patron 3: Have you ever heard of a sitter?!
    Peter: [jumps out of his seat] Look, it's an endangered species! What am I supposed to do?
    Patron 4: I'll make you an endangered species!
    Peter: Oh, good comeback, Potsie!
    Patron 5: I'll kick your ass! That's what I'll do!
    [all patrons clamor indistinctly until the swallow recedes into Peter's beard]
    Peter: Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up! He has stopped squawking! He's receded into my beard! We can all watch the movie! Shut up!
    [he sits back down, and all is silent for a moment]
    Voice: Eric, if you're in here, we're all goin' to Marty's after the movie.

### From Method to Madness

    Jeff: [about his trophy, which is over his crotch] Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?
    Dave: Hey, don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.
    Dottie: Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.
    Peter: Lois, I'm scared. [drops his hot dog] Oh, I'll get that. [reaches under the table]
    Dave: Hey!
    Peter: Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!
    Chris: Boobies!
    Lois: Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!
    Peter: You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.
    Chris: Boobies!
    Lois: Did you hear me, young man?
    Meg: I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!
    Chris: Boobies!
    Lois: Peter?
    Peter: Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neutralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]
    Lois: Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?
    Chris: Elephants are bigger in person!

### Stuck Together, Torn Apart

    Lois: Brian, will you watch Stewie for a minute?
    Brian: Sure.
    Lois: And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time?
    [Flashback. Stewie, who has a round head, is jumping on Peter and Lois' bed. Brian enters.]
    Brian: Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself.
    Stewie: Shut up. You're not my mother.
    [He hits his head on the ceiling, which knocks it into the familiar lemon shape.]
    Brian: Good God, are you alright?
    Stewie: Fine. Why do you ask?

### Road to Europe

    Stewie: [encounters Pengrove Pig] Pengrove! I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh my, the Magic Tome! [opens the book] Well, it's... it's cardboard. And there are no words, there are just... What is it you've drawn here?
    Pengrove: Oh, that's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets, eh? [removes his mask to reveal a hideous laughing elderly man] Ah, dead brill, eh?
    Stewie: [yells; runs up to a smoking Mother Maggie] Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's wrong!
    Maggie: [in a heavier English accent than on T.V.] Whose stinky brat is this?
    Stewie: That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!
    Maggie: Piss off, ya grotty little wanker! [kicks Stewie off the set and resumes smoking]
    Stewie: It's a fake. It's not real.
    Brian: I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.
    Stewie: I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!
    Brian: Hey, come on. Do you want to get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right? [Stewie shakes his head no] You wanna get some McDonald's? [Stewie shakes his head no again] You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? [Stewie nods his head yes] Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

### Family Guy Viewer Mail #1

    Dr. Hartman: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
    West: Oh, my...
    Dr. Hartman: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
    West: I see...
    Dr. Hartman: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
    West: I was trying to gain superpowers.
    Dr. Hartman: Well, that's just silly.
    West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes...

### When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

    Lois: Peter, did you take the money from the family jar?
    Peter: [dances] Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? [stops] Yeah, I did it. I bought us volcano insurance.
    Peter: Lois, no one needs glasses.
    Meg: You wear glasses.
    Peter: That's only to fool the man from the draft board.

## External links

* Family Guy quotes at the Internet Movie Database
* FamilyGuy.com
* Family Guy Quotes
* FamilyGuyQuotes.com
* Family Guy Resources