# The Simpsons/Season 3

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The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

### Stark Raving Dad

    Lisa: [Writing her letter of disownment to Bart for forgetting her birthday] "Dear Bart, I am using the stationery Mom and Dad gave me for my birthday to inform you that we are now brother and sister in name only. Perhaps if a professional so advises, I will give you a hug at some far-distant family reunion. But rest assured, it will be purely for show. [Sobs]
    Homer: Who stole my shirt? Who stole my shirt?
    Marge: I washed it.
    Homer: Oh, thank you Marge. [sees his shirt turned pink] Aaaah! Pink? Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different.
    Marge: [comforts Homer] Now Homer don't panic, you have plenty of white shirts.
    Homer: [grabs all of his pink shirts] Oh gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, oh no pink? pink? Pink! [sobs] It's all over, Marge! It's all over!
    Marge: I don't know how this could have happened?
    Bart: [grabs his red hat] Ah, my lucky red hat. Clean as a whistle.
    Homer: [turns red with anger] You! You did this to me! [furiously grabs Bart by the neck and angrily strangles him]
    Bart: I... apologize!
    Marge: [stops Homer from strangling Bart] Oh, please. No one's going to notice if you wear a pink shirt to work.
    [The next morning, Bart and "Michael" push the piano into Lisa's bedroom while she's sleeping]
    Bart and "Michael": [Quietly] Lisa? Lisa! Lisa! [Bart pinches her nose and she wakes up]
    Lisa: Bart! It's 6:00 AM.
    Bart: That's right! Hope you like your present! [He dumps trash out of her wastebasket, puts on his red cap, and turns to "Michael," sitting at the piano] And a one! And a two! And a one, two, three, four! [He taps the bottom of the wastebasket like a bongo drum]
    "Michael": [Singing] Lisa, it's your birthday. God bless you this day. You gave me the gift of a little sister and I'm proud of you today.
    Bart and "Michael": Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy birthday, Lisa! Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy birthday, Lisa!
    "Michael": I wish you love and goodwill. I wish you praise and joy!
    Bart: I wish you better than your heart's desires...
    "Michael": And your first kiss from a boy.
    Bart and "Michael": [As Homer, Marge, and Maggie come into the room] Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy birthday, Lisa! Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy birthday, Lisa!
    Bart: Yeah!
    Lisa: Oh! This is the best present I ever got! [Hugs Bart] Thank you, Bart! Thank you, Michael!
    Leon Kompowsky: [In his real voice] Well, my work here is done.
    Bart: Hey, Michael! What happened to your voice?
    Leon: This is my real voice. My name is Leon Kompowsky and I'm a bricklayer from Patterson, New Jersey. All my life, I was very angry. Till one day, I just... [In Michael Jackson's voice] ...talked like this. [Normal voice] All of a sudden, everybody was smilin' at me and I was only doin' good on this earth. So I kept on doing it. To make a tired point, which one of us is truly crazy?
    Homer: Not me! I've got this! [Shows his certificate, reading "Not insane"]

### Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington

    Faith Crowley: And here are your V.I.P. badges. These will get into place regular tourists never get to see!
    Homer: Oh, miss! What does the "I" stand for?
    Crowley: Um..."Important."
    Homer: Oh, okay. What about the "V"?
    Crowley: "Very."
    Homer: Miss, just one more qu...
    Crowley: "Person."
    Homer: Uh-huh. [pause] What does the "I" stand for again?
    [During a lull in the Patriots of Tomorrow essay-reading contest, Lisa is questioned over her essay on corruption]
    Marge: Lisa, what's gotten into you?
    Homer: Yeah, your other speech was a little more crowd-pleasing.
    Lisa: I'm sorry Dad, I couldn't think of a nice way to say "America Stinks."
    Paper boy: [selling Washington Beacon] EXTRA EXTRA! Feds nab rotten Rob!
    Homer: [buys copy] Gimme one of those.
    Marge: [reads headline] Imprisoned Congressman becomes born-again Christian.
    Lisa: I can't believe it. The system works!

### When Flanders Failed

    Homer: Stupid family going to stupid Flanders' stupid barbecue. What if they got back and I was dead from not eating? Then they'd be sorry. They'd say, "Oh no, why did we go to Flanders barbecue? Why did we leave Homer all alone without any food?" And I'd be laughing. Laughing from my grave. Heh heh heh.
    Marge: So, Bart. What did you learn in karate school today?
    Homer: Yeah, come on, boy, this better be worth my ten bucks.
    Bart: Uh... I learned the Touch of Death.
    Homer: Ooh, the Touch of Death.
    Bart: Permit me to demonstrate. Lisa, shut your eyes. Soon you will be at peace.
    Lisa: Hey, quit it, Bart. Quit it. Hey. Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Mom!!
    Marge: Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.
    [Homer visits the Flanders to return a BBQ grill only to find them living out of their station wagon after the Leftorium goes out of business and his properties are seized]
    Ned Flanders: Homer, I'm ruined. For me? Oh, thank you.
    Homer: I know.
    Flanders: You know, in times like these, I used to turn to the Bible for solace, but even the Good Book can't help me now.
    Homer: Why not?
    Flanders: I sold it to you for seven cents!
    Homer: Oh.
    Flanders: [gets choked up] You know, ever since that barbecue, nothing had gone right. It's like there's been a... a curse on me. [and stops] Homer, Can you tell me? Tell me! What?!
    Homer: [cries and tries to wipe tears with Flanders' own personal NF face towel] It's all my fault!
    Flanders: Wait. Is that my own personal NF face towel?
    Homer: Yes, it is.
    Flanders: No, you tried to warn me against engaging in risky ventures! I should have known better than to gamble my family's future on some pig in a poke! I didn't listen. Homer, you are a true friend! [he and Homer embrace]
    Homer: No, I was a swine. [Maude, Rod and Todd and Marge embrace as well]
    Homer: [lets go of embrace] Listen, Flanders.
    Flanders: What?
    Homer: Do you still have that store?
    Flanders: For two more days, then it becomes Libertarian Party headquarters. I hope they have better luck than I did.
    Homer: Flanders, you open that store tomorrow.
    Flanders: [despondent] Homer, there's no point -
    Homer: I SAID DO IT!!

### Bart the Murderer

    Tony: Pick a horse, kid. Shelbyville Downs, third race. Make it a good one.
    Bart: Eat my shorts!
    Tony: Eat My Shorts? Ah, okay... [consults the racing form] Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the fifth race! I said the third race!
    Bart: Don't have a cow!
    Tony: [to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third, put a deuce on him.
    Lionel Hutz: Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll never be famous!

### Homer Defined

    Kent Brockman: Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
    Mr. Burns: [over the hotline] Oh, meltdown. It's one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.
    [As the meltdown countdown nears zero]
    Smithers: Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.
    Mr. Burns: [sarcastically] Oh hot dog! Thank you for making my last few moments on Earth socially awkward.

### Like Father, Like Clown

    Krusty: [voice-over] My father was the most respected person in the Lower East Side of Springfield. People would come for miles around to ask his advice.
    Young Jewish Man: Rebbe Krustofski, should I finish college?
    Rabbi Krustofski: Yes. No one is poor, except he who lacks knowledge.
    Jewish Woman: Rabbi, should I have another child?
    Rabbi Krustofski: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.
    Jewish Man: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?
    Rabbi Krustofski: Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?
    Jewish Man: Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?
    Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, yes! For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.
    [Lisa tries one last tack in convincing Rabbi Krustofski to reconcile with Krusty]
    Lisa: Here you go, Bart. It's a long shot, but that's all I can do without learning Ancient Hebrew. [Bart looks at Lisa in expectation] Bart! I am not going to learn Ancient Hebrew!

### Treehouse of Horror II

    Bart: Good morning.
    Lisa: Morning.
    Marge: Good morning, dear.
    Homer: Hiya, Bart. How's my boy?
    [Homer is has a Jack in the Box for a body. He tucks Bart into bed using his mouth]
    Homer: Good night, son.
    Bart: Good night, dad. You know, these last few days have been really swell. I wish I could repay you?
    Homer: Well, if you wanted to, you could give me my body back.
    Bart: You got it. [using his mind]
    Homer: [regains his body] Oh! Hey, Hey. [hugs Bart] Thanks boy.
    Bart: I love you dad.
    Homer: I love you son. [kisses Bart's forehead]
    [We cut to reality as the dream ends, Bart wakes up screaming in terror, the camera zooms into his mouth, cutting to commercial break]
    [Mr. Burns and Smithers watch surveillance footage of employees toying around and avoiding work]
    Mr. Burns: Ooh, look at them, Smithers - goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds. Little do they realize their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.
    Smithers: Oh, in the meantime, sir, may I suggest a random firing? Just to throw the fear of God into them.
    Mr. Burns: Very well. [to the screen] Eeny, meeny, miny... [sees Homer sleeping on his workplace] Blugh! Him!
    Smithers: [on the speaker] Attention, Homer Simpson. Attention, Homer Simpson. [Homer doesn't wake up] Wake up, Homer!
    Homer: [wakes up, alarmed and confused] What? Huh? What?! [starts pressing buttons]
    Smithers: [on the speaker] You're fired.
    Homer: For what?
    Smithers: [on the speaker] For sleeping on the job.
    Homer: How did you know I was sleeping?
    Smithers: [on the speaker] We've been watching you on the surveillance camera.
    Homer: [sees camera off-screen] Camera? D'oh!
    [After the robot behaves just like Homer, Mr. Burns returns the brain to Homer's body]
    Homer: [as Burns sews the top of his head back on] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
    Mr. Burns: Oh, will you quit your complaining!
    Smithers: Sir, do you know what this means? He is alive!
    Mr. Burns: Oh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke. [to the robot] And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony of caliginous cogs and camshifts, take that! [feebly kicks it, causing it to tip and loom over him]
    Smithers: Run, sir!
    [The robot lands on Burns, crushing him save for his head]
    Mr. Burns: Every bone...shattered, organs...leaking vital fluids...a slight headache...loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die.
    Smithers: [distraught] Sir, is there nothing I can do?
    Mr. Burns: Well...perhaps. Smithers, go to my office. In the third drawer of my desk are...surgical tools...and some ether.
    [Homer wakes up screaming]
    Marge: Did you have a nightmare, Homey?
    Homer: No, Bart bit me!
    Bart: Hey, man, you were crushing me! [to Marge and Lisa] I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.
    Homer: Hey, got to go shake the dew off the lily. [walks into bathroom and looks in the mirror, to find Burns' head sewn onto his left shoulder] Aaaah!!!
    Mr. Burns: Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well, my body was crushed, so I had my head grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.
    Homer: [trying to stay calm] I can wake up! It's all a dream! It's just a dream!
    Mr. Burns: Oh, that's right! It's all a dream... [fade to black] ...or is it? [laughs evilly]
    Announcer: Next week, on "The Simpsons"...
    [Everyone is at the breakfast table]
    Lisa: Don't forget, Dad, tonight, my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.
    Homer: Mmm...spaghetti.
    Mr. Burns: But Homer, tonight's our reception for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands!
    Homer: Oh, I hate having two heads!

### Lisa's Pony

    Lisa: [calls Homer on the phone] Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.
    Homer: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?
    Lisa: I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.
    Homer: Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.
    Apu: [after Homer quits his job at the Kwik-E-Mart] He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers. Still, there goes the best employee a convenience store ever had...

### Saturdays of Thunder

    Homer: You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle - his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.
    Buck Henderson: I'm Buck Henderson. You know me from such TV series as "Buck Henderson, Union Buster" and "Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory". Today I'm here to tell you about "Spiffy.", the 21st century stain remover. I'm filling in for Actor Troy McClure. Now, Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
    Dr. Nick: Thank you, Buck. Hi, everybody.
    Crowd: Hi, Dr. Nick.
    Dr. Nick: Buck, I brought with me the gravestone of author and troubled soul Edgar Allan Poe! [exhibits a grimy tombstone]
    Buck Henderson: One of our best writers.
    Dr. Nick: Yes, but unfortunately, a century of neglect has turn this tombstone into a depressing eyesore.
    Buck Henderson: So what? I guess we're going to have to throw it away.
    Dr. Nick: Not so fast, Buck! With one application of Spiffy, you'll think the body's still warm! [applies some Spiffy and rubs, removing all the grime]
    Audience: Ooooooh! Ahhhhhhhh!
    [The tombstone shines and twinkles]
    Buck Henderson: Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
    Homer: [watching the show on TV] Ooh, that's one clean tombstone!
    Dr. Nick: I'm offering three bottles, enough to clean one thousand tombstones, for only $39.95!
    Audience: Booo!
    [A chair is thrown on stage nearly hitting Dr. Nick]
    Troy McClure: I'm afraid you're going to have to do better, doctor.
    Homer: [watching the show on TV] Yeah, give us a break, doctor!
    Dr. Nick: Okay, I'll throw in a fourth bottle, the applicator glove, and a state of Kansas jell-o mold. $29.95!
    [The audience goes wild]

### Flaming Moe's

    [Moe has introduced Aerosmith to the crowd]
    Steven Tyler: HELLLOOOOOOO, ST LOUIIIIIS!!!
    Joe Perry: Um, that's Springfield, Steven.
    Tyler: Oh, yeah, right. [to crowd] Are you ready to rock?!
    Crowd: Yeaahhh!
    Tyler: I said, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!?!?!
    Crowd: YEEEAHHHHH!!!
    Tyler: Hit it!
    [Band begins playing "Walk This Way"]
    Moe: [lying in bed with female bartender] Now that's what I call a happy hour.
    Collette: Oh, Morris, something troubles me...
    Moe: Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another twenty minutes-
    Collette: No, I was thinking about Homer Simpson.
    Moe: That's okay, I was just thinking about Sybil Danning.
    Collette: I mean that you should sell your drink, and give half the money to Homer.
    Moe: Wha-?!
    Collette: [stern] He's your friend, Moe, and you took advantage of him.
    Moe: All right, all right, I'll split the money! Jeepers, Mary and Joseph, I sleep with a chick once, and it costs me half a million bananas!

### Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk

    Stockbroker: Homer, it's your stockbroker. Your stock in the powerplant just went up for the first time in 10 years.
    Homer: I own stock!
    Stockbroker: Yes, all the employees got some in exchange for waiving certain constitutional rights.
    Horst: Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order...Simpson, Homer. That is all.

### I Married Marge

    [Marge is doing some accounting]
    Homer: [enters with his latest purchase] Marge, look at this! A baby monitor! [into the monitor] Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Waa! Waa! Over.
    Marge: Homer, I don't know how we can afford all these things on your salary.
    Homer: [looks out the window and sees the Power Plant] Hey, why don't I apply at the Nuclear Power Plant. I hear they pay pretty well!
    Marge: I don't know. I heard radiation can make you sterile.
    Homer: Pfft. Now you tell me!
    [Homer runs into the delivery room after Marge has gone into labor]
    Homer: Marge! Marge, where's the baby?!
    Patty: [pointing to Marge's belly] Right where you left it!
    Homer: Shut up!
    Patty: [stands up and stares down Homer] Hey listen, fat boy!
    Homer: [furious] NO, YOU LISTEN! This is my wife, and this is my kid, and I'm paying for this delivery, so if you wanna stay, you'd better show me some respect!
    Marge: Homer, does this mean...?
    Homer: Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician!
    Dr. Hibbert: [horrified] Good God!

### Radio Bart

    Homer: Bart, I bet you think nothing's gonna top that cactus. Well, check out my present.
    Bart: Next.
    Marge: Bart, be polite.
    Bart: Next, please.
    Martin: Bart, I've noticed...your birthday presents are a poor crop at best. [picks up a present] I hope this turns the tide.
    [Bart opens his present]
    Patty: Ooh, just gorgeous.
    Martin: Now we can be twins.
    [Bart plays his first prank with the Superstar Celebrity Microphone. The victim is Homer]
    Bart: [on radio] People of Earth, this is Bartron, commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless. We have captured your President. He was delicious! [Homer screams, runs out of the kitchen, and fetches a shotgun] We have captured your president. He was delicious.
    Homer: Why, you little... [strangles Bart, then stops] Wait a minute. Does this mean you like my present?
    Bart: Uh-huh.
    [Sting leads a song for Timmy O'Toole]
    Sting: There's a hole in my heart, as deep as a well,
    For that poor little boy who's stuck halfway to Hell...
    Sideshow Mel: Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing...
    Rainier Wolfcastle: We'll go on TV and sing, sing, sing!
    All: And we're sending our love down the well...
    Krusty: ALL THE WAY DOWN!!!
    All: We're sending our love down the well...
    Krusty: DOWN THAT WELL!!!!
    [Homer and Marge are on TV being interviewed by Kent Brockman.]
    Kent Brockman: So, it seems we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.
    Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!
    Marge: HOMER!
    Homer: Sorry. Uh...could you edit that last part out?
    Brockman: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.
    Homer: D'oh!

### Lisa the Greek

    [Homer just won another bet and is getting his latest winnings from Moe]
    Homer: Hi, Moe. A beer...and A LOT OF BILLS!
    Moe: [laughs] Okay! [under breath] ...ya lucky moron. [takes one of his shoes off, shakes shoe empty, dollar bills come out] Here ya go, Homer. A hundred thirty-five dollars.
    Homer: I used to hate the smell of your sweaty feet. [takes money, inhales deeply] Now, it's the smell of victory.
    Moe: Ah, shut up.
    [The results of the first play of the Broncos vs. Patriots game are in]
    Homer: All right, Denver. Justify my love.
    Smooth Jimmy Apollo: At the end of thirteen seconds of play, it's New England seven, Denver nothing.
    Homer: D'oh!
    Lisa: [walks into the room and blocks Homer's view, showing off her homemade Malibu Stacy apartment] Look, Dad! I made a modest studio apartment for my Malibu Stacy doll. This is the kitchen; this is where she prints her weekly feminist newsletter... [Homer, however, isn't paying attention to her] Dad, you're not listening to me!
    Homer: Lousy, stupid Denver.
    Marge: I pretend I'm interested in power tools...going to silly car-chase movies...and things I'll tell you when you're older. Do you understand?
    Lisa: I think so.
    [Bart put his dish in the sink]
    Marge: Bart!
    Bart: What?
    [After Homer explains that he and Lisa can't climb up Mt. Springfield]
    Lisa: What about Daddy-Daughter Day?
    Homer: Don't worry, the new football season is only seven months away.
    Lisa: [betrayed] So that's it. You just wanted me to help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all!! [starts crying and goes to room]
    Marge: [to Homer] You're a very selfish man.
    Bart: [plays with a button that presses "Go to hell" three times] Once again, great present, Dad!

### Homer Alone

    Selma: Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.
    Bart: ...In your bed?
    Patty: Uh-huh. And just a warning: I'm told I snore. [chuckles. Bart and Lisa quickly grab each other's hands] Oh! Divorce Court is on in five minutes!
    [The sisters leave]
    Bart: I'm scared, Lisa.
    Lisa: You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked!
    [Bart screams]
    [Marge, having taken part in all the activities at Rancho Relaxo, watches the resort's infomercial on the TV]
    Troy McClure: [standing with a sunset in the background] By now, you've seen all Rancho Relaxo has to offer...
    Marge: Uh-huh.
    McClure: But remember: we can't tell you how to have a good time. You have to tell us! As I said to Dolores Montenegro in Calling All Quakers: Have it your way, baby! [exits the picture via a hang glider]
    Marge: [picks up phone] Hello, Room Service? I'd like a banana fudge sundae. With whipped cream! And some chocolate chip cheesecake. And a bottle of tequila!

### Bart the Lover

    [The Flanders family is sitting at the dinner table]
    Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?
    Todd: Hell, no.
    [The rest of the Flanders all gasp]
    Maude: [sternly] What did you say?
    Todd: I said I don't want any damn vegetables.
    Ned: Alright, that's it, young man! No Bible Stories for you tonight!
    [Todd runs upstairs crying]
    Maude: Weren't you a little hard on him?
    Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.
    Rod: At last we built the mission.
    Todd: Finally, the villagers have a place to pray.
    Rod: [singing] Bringing in the sheaves!
    Todd: [singing] Bringing in the sheaves!
    Rod & Todd: [singing] We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves!
    [Homer is still trying to build the doghouse when he accidentally hits his finger with his hammer]
    Homer: Oh...fudge. That's broken. [steps on a nail] Fiddle-dee-dee! That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear...[turns red in anger] but I am going to KICK THIS DOGHOUSE DOWN! [starts screaming gibberish and kicking the doghouse]
    [Marge and Lisa arrive, towing a brand-new doghouse in a wagon]
    Lisa: Dad, this is a not a comment on your skills, but we bought you a new doghouse.
    Homer: Where'd you get the money?
    Marge: Well, there was more than enough in the swear jar. And if you look closer there's a special surprise for you.
    [Maggie crawls out]
    Homer: Maggie. Oh. Cute.
    Marge: No, behind her!
    Homer: [reaches in and pulls out a six-pack of Duff and gasps] Beer! How did you know?

### Homer at the Bat

    Homer: Mmmmmmmm, doughnuts. [eating, he scoffed his doughnuts]
    Lenny: Hey, Homer, slow down, you're going to choke or something.
    Homer: Don't tell me how to eat doughnuts. [he chokes]
    Carl: Hey Homer's choking again,
    Lenny: Isn't there a first-aid chart around here somewhere?
    Carl: Somebody scare him.
    Charlie: That's for the hiccups!
    [Homer is still choking, knocking a bin]
    Lenny: Hey, look at this. Softball starts this week.
    Homer: [stops choking] Softball?
    Homer: You're Daryl Strawberry.
    Darryl Strawberry: Yes.
    Homer: You play right field.
    Darryl Strawberry: Yes.
    Homer: I play right field too.
    Darryl Strawberry: So?
    Homer: Well, are you better than me?
    Darryl Strawberry: Well, I never met you, but...yes.
    Hypnotist: You're all very good players.
    All: We're all very good players.
    Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville.
    All: We will beat Shelbyville.
    Hypnotist: You will give 110%.
    All: That's impossible, no one can get more than 100%. By definition, that is the most anyone can give.
    [At Moe's]
    Barney: And I say that England's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston!
    Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
    Barney: [stands up] LORD PALMERSTON!!
    Boggs: [pokes Barney in the chest] PITT...THE...ELDER!!!
    Barney: OKAY, YOU ASKED FOR IT, BOGGS! [punches Boggs out]
    Moe: Yeah, that's showin' him, Barney! [dismissively] Pitt the Elder.
    Barney: LORD PALMERSTON!!!!! [punches Moe out]

### Separate Vocations

    [Lisa is sent to Skinner's office for disciplinary action in her telling off Miss Hoover. She has a toothpick in her mouth]
    Principal Skinner: I've never seen such a good student take a tumble. Lisa, what are you rebelling against anyway?
    Lisa: Whaddya got?!
    [Skinner is aghast to see Lisa becoming a sulkier, rebellious version of Bart]
    Bart: [to Lisa] You've got the brains and the talent to go as far as you want. And when you do, I'll be right there to borrow money.

### Dog of Death

    Homer: [at Mr. Burns' desk] Uh, Mr. Burns? I need to borrow some money.
    Mr. Burns: Oh, please. Do go on. [about to press security button under desk]
    Homer: I know you're a good man, [Burns pauses, takes hand away from button] but I have a dog that's very sick. [Burns presses button repeatedly]
    Mr. Burns: [acting innocently] Oh, please. Continue.
    Homer: I thought maybe you- [notices security guards] Oh. [being dragged out of Burns' office] Well, thanks for your time.
    Mr. Burns: What makes a man endanger his job and... yes, even his life, by asking me for money?
    Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
    Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers: if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
    Smithers: [pause] If you did it, Sir?
    Mr. Burns: Exactly! You'd be fit to be tied! Dogs! [scoffs]
    [The Veterinarian fails to resuscitate a hamster.]
    Homer: Hey, you did the best you could.
    Veterinarian: I love animals. I've spent my life saving them and they can never thank me. Well, the parrots can.

### Colonel Homer

    Homer: I can't get your song out of my mind. I haven't felt this way since "Funkytown!" Can I get a copy?
    Lurleen: [pointing to her noggin] Sorry, Homer. All my songs are up here: "I'm Basting a Turkey With my Tears," "Don't Look Up my Dress Unless You Mean It," "I'm Sick of Your Lying Lips and False Teeth..."
    Marge: Hmm... I thought you said she was overweight.
    Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen.
    Marge: What does that mean?
    Homer: I don't have time to answer all these questions.
    [Lurleen records a new song]
    Lurleen: Oh the bases were empty on the diamond of my heart,
       When the coach called me up to the plate,
       I'd been swingin', and missin', at lovin' and kissin',
       My average was point double oh eight.
       So I spit on my hands, knocked the dirt from my spikes,
       And pointed right towards center field,
       This time I'm hitting a home run,
       This time, love is for real.
       I'll slide... I'll steal... I'll sacrifice
       A lovin' fly for you,
       I been slumping all season but now I found a reason,
       I struck on a love that is true.
       I used to play the field,
       I used to be a roamer,
       But the season's turning 'round for me now,
       I finally bagged me a homer.
       That's right, I finally bagged me a Homer.
    Studio Manager: Um, Lurleen, we're gonna have to cut you off, we're getting some kind of grinding noise on the track. [cut to Marge grinding her teeth]

### Black Widower

    Emmy Awards. Krusty is giving a speech
    Krusty: And the nominees are: Droopy Drawers, Colonel Coward, Pepito the Biggest Cat in the Whole Wide World, Sideshow Bob and Suck-Up the Vacuum.
    [The screen crawl for Bob says "Live from Springfield Penitentiary", and the crawl for Suck-Up the Vacuum says "Now filming movie in Spain". Krusty opens the envelope to reveal the winner of the Best Supporting Performer in the Children's Program Emmy Award.]
    Krusty{cheerful}: And the Emmy goes to...Krusty's mood changes when he opens envelope
    Krusty{grumpy}: I don't believe this...Sideshow Bob!
    Live feed video shows a man shaking hands with Bob as he hands over statue
    Sideshow Bob: This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!
    Krusty: Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!
    Sideshow Bob: No-talent shill!
    Krusty: Second banana!
    Sideshow Bob: Panderer!
    Krusty: Bore!
    [Bob is restrained by prison guards.]
    Sideshow Bob: Stop it! Release me!
    [He gets injected with tranquilizer fluid, knocking him out.]
    Krusty: Uh, now for the highlight of the evening: Best Film-to-Video Transfer.
    [The scene changes back to the present.]
    Selma: That MacGyver's a genius!
    Sideshow Bob: First of all, he's not a genius: he's an actor! And second, he's not much of an actor!
    Selma: You're lying! YOU'RE LYING!
    Sideshow Bob: No, Selma; this is lying. [sarcastically] That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch!
    Selma: NO! [runs out, sobbing]

### The Otto Show

    [Otto is struggling to open a door and is oblivious to the notice]
    Sign: EVICTION NOTICE. You are ordered to vacate the premises immediately.
    Otto: Hey, landlord! Some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door and put up an eviction notice!
    Landlord: Yeah, that was me.
    Otto: You?! But why?!
    Landlord: Because you haven't paid your rent.
    Otto: Well... can I at least get my stuff?
    Landlord: All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old cycle magazines.
    Otto: [astonished] Wow! I had mustard?
    Bart: Mom, I thought you might forget our little conversation this afternoon, so I took the precaution of recording it.
    Marge: What conversation?
    [Bart plays a tape recorder]
    Bart (on tape): "Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants?" [bad imitation of Marge] "He sure can!"
    Homer: Marge, what were you thinking?!
    Marge: That's not my voice!
    Homer: Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape!

### Bart's Friend Falls in Love

    [about his Magic Eight Ball]
    Milhouse: You shake it up, and it tells the future!
    Bart: Really? Will I pass my English test? [shakes the ball] "Outlook Not So Good." Wow, it does work!
    Milhouse: Let me try. Will I get beat up today? [shakes the ball] "All Signs Point To Yes."
    Nelson: That ball knows everything. [bashes Milhouse on the head.]
    [Homer ordered a subliminal weight-loss tape, but he was sent a vocabulary improvement tape instead.]
    Lisa: Dad, do you know what today is?
    Homer: The vernal equinox?
    Lisa: No! It's been two weeks since you got that tape. Let's get you on the scales! [Homer gets on the scales] You've gained thirteen pounds.
    Homer: Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery! A pox on them!

### Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?

    [At the First Annual C. Montgomery Awards for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence show.]
    Lisa: This show is the biggest farce I ever saw!
    Bart: What about the Emmys?
    Lisa: I stand corrected.
    [Herb rings The Simpsons' doorbell.]
    Herb: [to himself] What am I gonna say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?
    [Homer opens the door.]
    Homer: [surprised] Herb?
    [Herb punches Homer in the face, steps over him and enters the house. Bart and Lisa see him.]
    Bart and Lisa: Unky Herb!
    Herb: [hugging them] Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you!
    Homer: [rubbing his cheek] You weren't so glad to see me...
    Herb: I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm still mad at you. Every word you say makes me want to punch you in the face.
    Homer: Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt?
    Herb: I'll try, but I'm not making any promises!