# King of the Hill (season 13)

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King of the Hill (1997-2010) was an American animated sitcom that aired on Fox. The show centers around the Hill family, whose head is the ever-responsible, hard-working, loyal, disciplined, and honest Hank Hill.

### Dia-Bill-Ic Shock [13.01]

    Hank: Dr. Weissman, my friend Bill would like to register a complaint.
    Dr. Weissman: Ohh, are you upset or something? I said you had diabetes, not cry-a-betes.
    Bill: You told me I was going to lose my legs!
    Dr. Weissman: No, I said your legs could fail one day, possibly. I-I never said anything that could constitute malpractice, other it's current definition.
    Bill: Hmm, my legs work just fine. Isn't that inspiring! (Bill closes the door and starts beating up Dr. Weissman)
    Hank: (to nurse) Uh, my friend is just, uh...
    Nurse: I don't hear a thing.

### Earthy Girls are Easy [13.02]

    Hank: About that science teacher of yours, does he ever talk about, uh, going green?
    Bobby: I don't know. Do you ever talk about propane? My point is, he talks about all the time.
    Dale: Say, ol' top, that truck is quite the gas puzzler. How many offsets can I put you down for?
    Hank: You can put me down for kicking your ass. What kind of stupid got-dang idea is this?
    Dale: This is the perfect plan. Strickland agreed to let me plant the trees on some land he isn't using, Bobby and Joseph agreed to do the planting, and I agreed to take the money.
    Hank: Buying carbon offsets isn't gonna fix Strickland's image. It's just cheating.
    Dale: Who's to say what's cheating?
    Hank: Is Leonard DiCaprio cheating when he offsets riding around in a private jet? Yes.
    Dale: Oh, Hank, you just don't get it.

### Square-Footed Monster [13.03]

    Ted Wassanasong: This was no act of God; look at those sledgehammer marks! It was the act of rednecks, on a drunken rampage.
    Dale: (After they rebuild neighbor's house) We should do this to Bill's house when he dies.
    Bill: What a nice lady. We used to talk about puppies and serial killers through the fence.

### No Bobby Left Behind [13.05]

    Carl: [Hank enters Carl's office] Hank, thank God you're here. You got to help me.
    Hank: Help you? Kicking your ass seems more appropriate, Carl.
    Carl: I'm just going to come clean here. I just labeled those kids special needs so they wouldn't take the test.
    Hank: Of course you did.
    Carl: I'm really stuck here. I don't have anyone to take the blame. Emily's too young to take the fall and everybody thinks Dale Gribble's a special-needs kid.
    Hank: [sits on the chair] You have to let those kids take the standardized test. If they pass, it'll prove they're not special, they're just a bunch of kids acting like jackasses, and that you didn't do anything wrong. a... at that moment.
    Carl: But those kids will never pass the test.
    Hank: All they need to be pushed a little, Carl. That's all they ever needed.
    Carl: I guess we can try educating them.

### Lucky See, Monkey Do [13.08]

    Lucky: I've seen a lot of nature documentaries, and I find that most of life's questions can be answered with another question: what would a monkey do?
    Hank Hill: [to his new grandniece] Aw, you're a cute one, I tell you what.

### What Happens at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis Stays at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis [13.09]

    [Buck hears Ray Roy and a girl in another room]
    Buck Strickland: Gotdog! Ray Roy! Now, I hope you got two girls in there! [Buck runs into the room and finds Ray Roy in bed with Ms. Scovall]
    Buck Strickland: What the... ?! I told you to stand in line! You didn't stand in line, boy.
    Ray Roy: Hell, Daddy, that line was moving too slow. I just had to do cutsies.
    Buck Strickland: Cut... Why you son of a... [Buck jumps on the bed and he and Ray Roy start fighting]
    Hank: [overhears them in the hall] Oh No.
    Ms. Scovall: [She's cheering on Buck and Ray Roy as they're fighting] Yeah. Yeah. Woo hoo.
    Ray Roy: [Buck is choking Ray Roy] Ow. [Ray Roy then throws him to the ground]
    Hank: [Hank walks into the room. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!
    Buck Strickland: Oh, Hank, we were just letting off a little steam.
    Hank: I have tried with all my might to save you from yourself, Mr. Strickland. Well, not anymore. You're on your own. You should be ashamed of yourselves. And that includes you, Ms. Scovall. You have not honored propane.
    Ms. Scovall: He's right. I should be ashamed of myself. But I never am.
    [Looking for a party]
    Buck Strickland: Son, what's the bad part of Memphis called?
    Jody "Ray Roy" Strickland: Memphis!
    Emcee: We're here to honor one of the giants of Texas propane, Mr. Buck Strickland. To introduce Mr. Strickland, his right-hand man, Hank Hill.
    Hank: (Hank walks onto the stage drunk and knocks down the emcee) I'm not gonna say... Hell, I am gonna say what I have been wanting to say. Buck Strickland is a monster, a drunk monster. Buck Strickland is nothing but a lecherous, disgusting bastard-making bastard. (slurred gibberish) And now, I'm going to vomit. (he vomits on a guest's head)
    Conference room. Hank is made to attend a discipinary hearing about his public drunken behavior
    Pollard Wigand: Mr. Hill, your guilt hardly seems to be an issue. So we can move right on to the punishment phase, which, as a preview, will be severe.
    Hank Hill: Indeed sir, I cannot begin to say how sorry I am.
    Phone rings
    Pollard Wigand: Hello? Buck? Well, we are in the middle of a hearing...Like the one in 1984? Consortium members perk up OK then! hangs up Gentlemen, that was Buck Strickland. His "hospitality suite" is open.
    Mr. Kuykendall: Like the one in 84?
    Pollard Wigand: Mr. Hill, the board needs to adjourn to...uh, caucus about your case. You stay put.
    Hank Hill: I will not move a muscle.
    Buck has set up a "hospitality suite", consisting of liquor and hookers for the men of the Propane Gas Consortium
    Pollard Wigand: I am in my third term as President of the Propane Gas Consortium. Prostitute giggles
    Lobby. Peggy is with the wives of the Consortium
    Peggy: All propane men make mistakes sometimes, including your husbands.
    Peggy takes elevator towards Buck's hospitality suite
    Buck's room. Consortium is with hookers
    Buck: Well, now that everyone's got a pretty girl on his lap, I would like to discuss leniency for my employee, Hank Hill.
    Pollard Wigand: Setup! Everybody run!
    Buck: Ray Roy, lock the door.
    Jody secures door, hookers wrestle men to ground as Buck snaps a photo
    Buck: Now, you are all reasonable men. I think surely you can find forgiveness in your heart for old Hank, and it would be good to do it before your wives get here.
    Peggy is in hallway with wives, approaching Buck's suite
    Pollard Wigand: You win, Buck.
    Buck gives signal to his son, who uses cellphone
    Peggy {on cell phone}: Y'ello?
    Jody Strickland: Get their hair done.
    Peggy and the wives of the Texas Propane Gas Commissioners walks past Buck's suite
    Conference room. Consortium members are seated again, with Buck standing behind them
    Pollard Wigand: Mr. Hill, we had a chance to go over the case with your employer, Buck Strickland. He convinced us that while your actions last night were wrong; you are contrite about it, and that your actions over the past twenty years more than atone for it. He was very persuasive. As a result, the board has unanimously approved Mr. Strickland's nomination for membership in the Propane Hall of Flame.
    Buck presents Hank with a "rainbow blazer"
    Hank Hill: I am in the Hall of Flame too?
    Board members shake Hank's hand, as does Buck
    Pollard Wigand: Congratulations, Hank.
    Hank Hill: Thank you!
    Buck Strickland: No, thank you, Ol' Top. All of propane owed you a debt.

### Master of Puppets [13.10]

    Dale: (Imitating Survivorman) There is no greater survival skill that the ability to start a fire without matches. Fortunately Arlen is rich in natural propane tank deposits.
Dale opens the propane nozzle. He tries to get his lighter to work. The tank explodes.
Kahn: Hey Hank Hill, I knew rednecks abandon cars and refrigerators, guess we can throw kids on the list too! Hahahaha!
    Hank Hill: Hello.
    Bobby Hill: Hello? That's all you got? Just what the heck is going on?
    Hank Hill: What do you mean? We're finishing dinner. We'll be there to pick you up at 9:00.
    Bobby Hill: Oh, really? Well, you might want to check your watch, buddy boy. It's 10:30!
    Hank Hill: (realizes the watch was 10:30) Oh, my God. Peggy, it's 10:30!
    Peggy Hill: (Gasps) Where's Bobby?
    Hank Hill: Bobby, where are you?
    Bobby Hill: I'm at the Get In, Get Out. I hope you're happy. I'm just prostitutes by panty hose!
    Hank Hill: He's at the Get In, Get Out! (Peggy gasps and runs out to the emergency door.)

### Bwah My Nose [13.11]

    Hank: [to Longhorns team] Now, come on, let's go kick some Mustang ass!

### Uncool Customer [13.12]

    Bobby: Not one of [these girls] has seen my "Flatulent Monkey Visits the Post Office" routine!
Peggy has asked for a cassette tape at a CD store. A man walks up to the clerk who is assisting Peggy.
    Man: Hey, do you have that song that goes, "Wah-nah-nah-nah-nah scroun-scrouna Wah-nah-nah-nah-nah scroun-scrouna?"
    Clerk: (To Peggy) I gotta... yeah.

### Nancy Does Dallas [13.13]

    [Nancy and her new coworkers are drinking inside of their news helicopter.]
    Nancy: Vodka, this is chopper one. Traffic is clear from my mouth to my stomach.
    Gwen St. James: Hey, give me the keys, Nancy. I want to go buzz my ex-husband's girlfriend's condo. (laughs)
    Wade Bixby: [shouting out the window] I'm... Wade... Bixby!

### Serves Me Right For Giving General George S. Patton The Bathroom Key [13.15]

    [Dale and Bill are wrestling over a beer can.]
    Kahn Souphinousaphone: Chain-smoking anorexic vs. that heart attack waiting to happen! Who will die first? Let's watch!
    Cotton Hill: (In a letter) "Hank, if you're readin' this it means Fatty's dead. So I have to leave this task to the one most likely to screw it up: You."

### Bad News Bill [13.16]

[Scene to Bill's office]
    Hank: (sighs) I need you to talk to you about coach...
    Bill: (on the phone) Shh, shh. No, no, no! You listen to me, you will double the salt or you will find a new place to pedal, Your sunflower seeds goodbye! (hang up phone) Hello, sir. May I help you?
    Hank: I came here to help with practice, but Bradford won't let me on the field. All I want to do is just watch my son play baseball.
    Bill: Really? Last I heard you wanted to see him quit baseball.
    Hank: Watch it, Bill. I'm just looking for an ass to kick.
    Bill: (sighs) I'll give it to you straight, Hank. You're seeing as a negative influence around here, or anyone lets you on the baseball field, you're going to have to prove yourself, show your commitment to the league.
    Hank: Dang it, Bill, how am I supposed to do that?
    Bill: You think it's unfair, Hank? Just be glad I'm allowing you contact with Bobby at all.
    Hank: [angers throws beer can] Okay, that does it! I have had it with you! Now do you have somewhere to be? 'Cause I'd liked to know what direction I should kick your ass in!

### Manger Baby Einstein [13.17]

    Lucky: They keep restricting what barbers can do. My guy says he can no longer perform dentistry.
    Dale: Children see the world through innocent eyes. My book will change that.
    [Dale and Luanne both bickered until Hank breaks up the fight.]
    Hank: You guys are acting like idiots. [To Luanne] You shouldn't have stolen Dale's ideas. [To Dale] You shouldn't have destroyed Luanne's dolls. We shouldn't even be having this memorial service.
    Luanne: I could have listened to you Uncle Hank; but instead I chose to succeed in DVD’s and in life.

### When Joseph Met Lori, and Made Out with Her in the Janitor's Closet [13.22]

    Dale: Joseph, listen to me. This may be my last opportunity to tell you this. I know you know a thing or two about sex. You're old enough, and you often forget to delete your Internet history. But you just know the physical stuff. Sex is also mental. And you're too young to handle those emotions. That's why I think you should wait.
    Joseph: [to the board] My dad is not crazy.
    Doctor: Uh, yeah, he is. According to the State of Texas.
    Dale: [dragged away] Please, son, save your precious flower!

### To Sirloin with Love [13.24]

[last lines of the series]
    Bobby: Well, Dad, it looks like this is the last one.
    Hank: Oh, you're just getting started, Bobby. You'll be grilling your whole life.
    Bobby: Just like you.
    Hank: Yep.
    Bobby: Yep.