# The Simpsons/Season 9

The Simpsons: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 | Movie Crank calls
The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

## The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson

    Moe: (checks his watch) Uh oh. Here comes the evening rush. Clear out fellas! (Hordes of mice run out of the bar as Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, and the two barflies walk in]
    Homer: Evening, Moe.
    Barney: (comes out of the bathroom) Morning, Moe.
    Moe: Yeah, alright, listen up, guys, the Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.
    [Moe's regulars exchange high-fives and cheer in triumph.]
    Moe: Yeah, I know, I know, but the bad news is we gotta start having designated drivers. [the regulars moan and groan] We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope. [sets a giant glass jar with pickled eggs floating in it on the table] Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg. Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.
    Homer: New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes.
    Lisa: Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to.
    Bart: Yeah, that's what people do in Russia.
    Homer: I'm gettin' out of this town alive if it kills me!
    [Homer tries klav kalash from a street vendor]
    Homer: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
    Klav Kalash vendor: Mountain Dew or crab juice.
    Homer: Blech! Ew! Geez... I'll take a crab juice.
    Bart: Excuse me, is this Mad Magazine?
    Woman: No, it's Mademoiselle. We're buying our sign on the installment plan.
    Bart: [laughs] Seriously, though, my name is Bart Simpson. My father has a subscription. I'd like the grand tour, please.
    Woman: Listen, kid, you probably think lots of crazy stuff goes on in there, but this is just a place of business.
    Bart: Oh... okay.
    [As Bart leaves, Mad's mascot Alfred E. Neuman opens the door]
    Alfred: Get me Kaputnik and Fonebone. I wanna see their drawings for the "New Kids on the Bleech".
    [Bart's jaw drops upon surprise]
    Alfred: And where's my furshlugginer pastrami sandwiches?
    Bart: Wow! I will never wash these eyes again.
    Homer: And that's when the CHUDs came at me...
    Marge: Oh, Homer, of course you're going to have negative view of New York if all you focus on are the pimps and the CHUDs.
    Homer: Hey! Hey! HEY!!
    Worker: What?
    Homer: Your boss told you you're fired!
    Worker: I'll get him.
    Barney: All I remember about the last two months was giving a guest lecture at Villanova; or maybe it was a street corner.

## The Principal and the Pauper

    Lisa: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
    Bart: Not if you called 'em stench blossoms.
    Homer: Or crapweeds.
    Marge: I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.
    Homer: Not if they were called scumdrops.
    Homer: (Thinking) Keep looking shocked and move slowly towards the cake.
    Skinner: They gave me a choice: jail, the army, or apologize to the judge and old lady. Of course, if I knew there was a war going on, I probably would have apologized.
    [In Armin's apartment, the ex-principal lies on his bed while his visitors stand around him trying to convince him to come home. Armin refuses as they got the real Seymour Skinner.]
    Armin: My mind is made up! I'm not coming back and that's final!
    Edna: Oh, Seymour.
    Armin: And I'm not Seymour, my name is Armin! This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of "Swank", Armin's frozen peas.
    Homer: Can I see your copy of "Swank", Armin?
    Armin: Yes, you can. This is Armin's life, and maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong. I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik.
    Agnes: Seymour! I didn't bring you up to use language like that!
    Armin: Well, you didn't bring me up at all!
    Agnes: To hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for 26 years! I'm the only mother you've ever known!
    Armin: But you have your real son!
    Agnes: You are my real son! You've been my son longer than he has, and he doesn't need me, and I don't need him! Now you march yourself downstairs and get in that car!
    Armin: Yes, Mother.
    Agnes: And the rest of you, too!
    All: Yes, Mrs. Skinner.
    [Agnes is infuriated by her real son's behavior and misses Armin more. Later, she stews in anger in the grocery store check-out lane.]
    Marge: Good morning, Agnes. Mmm...how's your new son working out?
    Agnes: That child is the most disobedient, smart-alecky middle-aged man in creation!
    Edna: Hello, ladies. Is this the line for people who want to bad-mouth Sergeant Skinner?
    Marge: And have ten items or less.
    Edna: [discarding items] Twelve, eleven, ten, the man's a weenie!
    Marge: Now be fair, Edna. I liked Armin Tamzarian too, but he was at least as big a weenie as Sergeant Skinner.
    Edna: But he was "our" weenie!
    [Marge even had to admit Edna was right about Armin.]
    Bart: Principal Skinner?
    Skinner: Up yours, children!

## Lisa's Sax

    [The "All in the Family" opening:]
    Homer: Boy, the way the Bee Gees played
    Marge: Movies John Travolta made
    Homer: Guessing how much Elvis weighed
    Homer/Marge: Those were the days
    Marge: And you knew where you were then
    Homer: Watching shows like Gentle Ben
    Homer/Marge: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again
    Homer: Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac
    Marge: Coming out of my eight-track
    Homer/Marge: Michael Jackson still was black
    Those were the days
    Michigan J Frog: [singing] We're proud to present on the WB, Another bad show that no one will see! [walks away] I need a drink.
    Homer: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me. [thinking what Grandpa told him]
    Young Grandpa: Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!
    Homer: Lousy traumatic childhood.
    Man in "Twin Peaks": That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Peaks. And damn good cherry pie.
    [on TV we see The man dancing with a white horse, as a traffic light hangs from a nearby tree]
    Homer: Brilliant. I have absolutely no idea what's going on.
    Homer: [Looking at Bart's drawing] Oh what a beau... Aaah! Burn it! Send it to hell!
    Marge: Homer, have you seen the frozen peas?
    [Homer wipes his face with a frozen dinner and pulls the peas out from underneath him.]
    Marge: Ahh, you keep 'em. Now listen, if we can't afford private school, maybe there's some other way to encourage Lisa. Eh, an art class! Ballet lessons! They have some fun things you can do at the museum on Saturday!
    Homer: Uh-uh. Forget it, Marge. There is no way I am spending my Saturdays at a museum. Unless...museums don't have foosball, do they?
    [Homer daydreams about himself at the museum, playing Foosball with a statue.]
    Homer: You lose, Michelangelo's "David"! Who's next?
    Man From Edward Munch's "The Scream" Painting: Meeeeeee!

## Treehouse of Horror VIII

    [The episode begins with the Fox Censor looking through the episode script 5F02 and redacting parts with his pen]
    FOX Censor: No. No. No. [pauses, then laughs] No. [turns page] Hmm, I think we can do without the crack pipe... [notices viewer] Oh, hi! As the Fox censor, it's my job to protect you from reality. And thanks to my prudent editing, tonight's special Halloween show has been rated TV-G! [points to a TV-G ratings bug] This means there will be no raunchy NBC-style sex or senseless CBS-style violence. So sit back and enjoy a night of worry-free-
    [as he speaks, the ratings bug stabs the censor in the back with a cutlass twice, bringing the rating up to TV-PG and then TV-14]
    FOX Censor: AGH! What the fudge?!
    [another stab, rating is now TV-MA]
    FOX Censor: Oh, for Pete's sake!
    [Another stab, rating is now TV-21]
    FOX Censor: Jiminy Christmas!
    [One last stab, rating is now TV-666]
    FOX Censor: AAAAAHHHH! [falls over, dying] Darn it...
    [The FOX censor's blood spills over the desk, spelling out the words: The Simpsons Halloween Special VIII]
    [The French neutron bomb nearly hits Kang and Kodos' ship]
    Kodos: What the hell was that?!
    Kang: [speaking into microphone] Calling home planet! This is Ensign Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed!
    Superior Rigellian: [on Rigel VII] Sure, Kang, I'm writing that all down.
    [he and his superior laugh amongst themselves]
    Homer: [realizing the people in Springfield are transformed into skeletons] Everyone's gone! [saddened] Little Bart...little Lisa...little Marge... [sniffs] and the rest! [cries]
    Homer: [dancing in church nude when someone turns off the radio button] Hey. What happened to the tunes? [sees Springfield citizens dressed in monk robes] What's going on? Where did you get these cloaks?
    Homer: You're mutants?
    Moe: Uh, we don't like the word "mutants", Homer. We prefer "freaks" or "monsters".
    Homer: [mistaking Edgar and Johnny Winter for mutants] Die, you chalk-faced goons!
    Homer: Something I should have done a long time ago. [furiously turns red, angrily shouting at Bart] I'll teach you to mess with my machine!
    [Bart screams]
    Homer: [angrily starts chasing Bart] I'm gonna chop you good! That cost me 35 cents! You're just making it worse! I promise I won't hurt you!
    Mayor Quimby: You are all hereby found guilty of the crime of witchcraft. I sentence you hags to be burned at the stake until you are deemed fit to re-enter society.
    Maude Flanders: [looks at witches] Oh, Neddie, look at them up there, plotting our doom. They could force us to do wanton acts of carnality.
    Ned Flanders: [scoffs] Yeah, that'll be the day.

## The Cartridge Family

    TV Commercial Voice: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga! Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!
    Homer: Oh, I never heard of those people.
    TV Commercial Voice: And they'll all be signing autographs!
    Homer: Woo-hoo!
    TV Commercial Voice: This match will decide once and for all which nation is the greatest on Earth: Mexico or Portugal!
    Sideshow Mel: I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving.
    Moe: Yeah, but not before me you ain't. [He storms out]
    Ned Flanders: Now now, there's plenty exits for everyone!
    Moe: Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal! [Puts Flanders into a headlock]
    Skinner: Hey now, that's uncalled for.
    Lenny: Shut your hole Skinner!
    [Lenny punches Principal Skinner in the stomach, knocking him into the aisle stairway. He collides with Barney's beer tray, spilling it. Barney, enraged, runs headfirst into the increasingly large number of people fighting on the stairs, Knocking and bowling them over. Meanwhile, a group of Scottish men watching the game stare bored at nothing in particular].
    Groundskeeper Willie: Ach! They call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school!
    [The men, rolling up their sleeves, start to pound anyone who comes near them. It's not long before the entire stadium is embroiled in a violent riot. The Simpsons stand next to their seats.]
    Marge: Homer, we've got to get out of here!
    Homer: Ooh, but I want to do some rioting. [pushes one of the Scotsmen]
    Scotsman: [turns to face Homer, screaming] JOBBERS COBKNOTS, YA MUCKER!! [pulls out a crowbar]
    Homer: All done! [runs off]
    Homer: I'd like to buy your deadliest gun, please.
    Wiseguy: Aisle six, next to the sympathy cards.
    [Going through accessories for Homer's new gun]
    Wiseguy: And this is for shooting down police helicopters.
    Homer: Oh, I don't need anything like that... yet.
    Homer: Just give me my gun!
    Wiseguy: Sorry, the law requires a five day waiting period. We've got to run a background check.
    Homer: Five days?! But I'm mad now! Oh, I'd kill you if I had my gun...!
    Wiseguy: Yeah, well, you don't.
    Homer: Now, I believe you have some sort of firearm for me.
    Clerk: Well, let's see here. According to your background check, you've been in a mental institution...
    Homer: Yeah.
    Clerk: frequent problems with alcohol...
    Homer: [nervously] Yeah.
    Clerk: ...beat up President Bush!
    Homer: Former President Bush.
    [the clerk slaps a red rubber stamper on Homer's printout]
    Homer: "Potentially dangerous"?
    Clerk: Relax, that just limits you to three handguns or less.
    Homer: Woohoo!
    Marge: I'm sorry, Homer, no weapons.
    Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or...uh, a...an alligator.
    Moe: [at an NRA meeting] So last night I was closing up the bar, when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up.
    Sideshow Mel: Whatever did you do, Moe?
    Moe: Well, it coulda been a real ugly situation but, luckily, I managed to shoot him in the spine.
    [Audience cheers and applauds]
    Moe: Yeah. I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp!
    [Lisa is staring at the garage roof when Homer pulls in]
    Lisa: Hey dad could you get my basketball down.
    Homer: Sure [Draws his gun and shoots it down]
    [The basketball fall to the ground and deflates]
    Homer: Want me to get the cat down too?
    Lisa: [Knocking the gun out of the way] No thanks!
    Marge: [as the Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier] Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?
    Bart Simpson: Um...
    Homer: Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting!
    [points gun to himself]
    Marge: Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.
    Homer: You said the breakfast table.
    Marge: It's the same table!
    Homer: Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on.
    [attempts to put the safety on, but accidentally fires the gun. We see the bullet just nick Marge's shoulder in a picture of her hanging on a bulletin board]
    Homer: Oh... I guess the safety was on.
    [He tries again, but again accidentally fires it, this time hitting the same picture of Marge square in the chest]
    Homer: I'd better just put it down.
    [sets the gun on the table. While it rests there, the gun fires itself, and the bullet ricochets off a pot, hitting a knife sitting in a brick of cheese. The knife sails through the air, and stabs the same picture of Marge right between the eyes]
    Lisa: No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool.
    Homer: [Shoots a beer can open] Anyone else want a beer?
    Dr. Hibbert: Homer! You use your gun as a can opener?
    Homer: I use it for everything! Watch me turn on the TV. [Shoots the TV, it turns on, and a cowboy onscreen falls down dead]
    Agnes: I've never seen such recklessness!
    Louie: You mighta hurt someone!
    Cletus: Are you some kinda moron?!
    Homer: Yeah, but--
    Krusty: Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys! They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keepin' the King of England out of your face.
    Moe: Your membership card, please, Homer. [Homer sadly hands him the card, and he tears it up] I'll also need to remove your tattoo. [holds up a grater]
    Homer: I didn't get one yet.
    Moe: Rats.

## Bart Star

    Todd Flanders: We don't have to play football, do we, Daddy?
    Ned Flanders: Oh, you betcha. Team sports will keep you away from temptations like rock music and girls.
    Rod and Todd: Yay!
    Marge: You shouldn't pressure Bart like that.
    Homer: Well, if you have a better way of living through my son, I'd like to hear it.
    Homer: My father never believed in me. Well, I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son, and meaner to my dad.[Homer walks outside to where he forced Bart to run laps] Quit runnin' son. I just wanna give you a big hug.
    Bart's mind: It's gotta be a trick, run like the wind.
    Homer: [talking to his football team] Good practice team. Ok, its time for the easiest part of any coach's job-the cut. Now, while I wasn't able to cut everybody I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you.
    Homer: Hello, son. I wanna apologize. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me, I promise I'll never encourage you again.
    Nelson's Father: Good game, son. Come on, I'm taking you to Hooters.
    Nelson: Ah...but I don't wanna bother mom at work.
    Joe Namath: Excuse me, son.
    Bart: Wow, you're Joe Namath!
    Joe Namath: That's right. My car broke down in front of your house.
    Bart: I cannot believe you are here! Do you think you could give me a few pointers?
    Joe Namath: Sure. There's only one thing you need to know to be a great quarterback.
    Joe Namath's wife: Joe, honey, I fixed it. It was just vapor lock.
    Joe Namath: Okay, look, I gotta run. [heading back to his car] Remember what I told you.
    Bart: [returns to practicing throwing the football] Okay Bart, concentrate.
    Bart's thoughts: Remember what I told you... Just one thing... My car broke down... I'm Joe Namath... My car broke down... It was just vapor lock... vapor lock... vapor lock...
    Bart: I'm dead.
    Homer: (offscreen) Scully, you're cut. Eh, Brooks, Greoning, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry, cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut, so is Judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer, O'Brien, Doyle, Selman. I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut. Peitila, Bridge, Kuwarahara. There's so many cuts here. Look, I just post 'em up and you just see where your name is. Ooh, look at how many cuts there are there. Oh, boy, you're cut - all of you. He's cut, I cut you.
    Woman in Gracie Films logo: Shh.
    Homer: You're cut, too, shushy.

## The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons

    Apu: Is it just me or do all of your plans involve some horrible web of lies?
    Homer: It's you.
    Grampa: Baloney! You came here to put me in a home.
    Homer: You're already in a home.
    Grampa: Oh how could you?
    Homer: Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression?
    Moe: Booze, booze, and more booze.
    Lenny: Ha. Nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away.
    [Bar flies mumble affirmatively]

## Lisa the Skeptic

    Lisa: Principal Skinner, remember when I didn't sue when I found that scorpion in my applesauce? Well, I'm calling in a favor.
    Principal Skinner: I knew this day would come. [voice over intercom] Attention: all honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archaeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.
    Homer: [scoffs] Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true. Facts schmacts.
    Moe: Science! What has science ever done for us? TV off. [TV turns off]
    Milhouse: What is it, Lisa?
    Lisa: It looks like a human skeleton, but these other bones almost look like wings.
    Ned: You mean like an angel?
    Lisa: Well, obviously that's impossible--
    Moe: Lisa's right, it’s an angel!
    Flanders: Well, I gotta say, Lisa, it sounds like you're straining to do some explaining.
    Chief Wiggum: Yeah, everyone's heard of angels, but who's ever heard of a "Neanderthal"?
    Lisa: It could be anything, it could be a mutant from the nuclear plant.
    Mr. Burns: Oh, fiddle faddle, everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Oops, I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
    Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
    Mr. Burns: Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.
    Lisa: I just think it's a fantasy. If you believe in angels, why not sea monsters, unicorns or leprechauns?
    Kent Brockman: Oh, that's a bunch of baloney, Lisa. Everyone knows leprechauns are extinct.
    Lisa: It's a bone scraping from that skeleton I found.
    Dr. Gould: Oh, yeah, that so-called angel. The whole thing's preposterous, of course.
    Lisa: Quite preposterous, but no one will believe me until I can prove what it really is. Can't you do a DNA test or something?
    Dr. Gould: Certainly, I'll have the results by tomorrow.
    Lisa: Oh, thank you so much. Er... you know... I can't afford to pay you.
    Dr. Gould: I didn't become a scientist for financial gain. Whatever little money you have will be just fine.
    Homer: [singing] Here's the angel, see the angel
    It's my angel, no one else's, next to the rakes
    Lisa: I don't think you should call this thing an angel. There's no proof of that.
    Homer: No one's calling it an angel, Lisa. If you look carefully you'll notice I never once used the word "angel."
    Lisa: What about that sign right there?
    [She points at a sign which says "angel" in huge letters]
    Homer: That's a typo.
    Judge: Lisa Simpson, you are charged with destruction of an historic curiosity - a misdemeanor. But in a larger sense, this trial will settle the age-old question of science versus religion. Let the opening statements commence.
    Blue Haired Lawyer: Your Honor, over the coming weeks and months, we intend to prove Lisa Simpson willfully destroyed--
    Lenny: [points to window] There's the angel!
    [Murmuring]
    [The courtroom empties]
    Judge: I find the defendant not guilty. As for science vs. religion, I'm issuing a restraining order. Religion must stay 500 yards from science at all times.
    Lisa: I don't understand, professor. Why didn't your tests show that the skeleton was a fake?
    Dr. Gould: I'm going to be honest with you Lisa, I never did the tests. [walks away]

## Realty Bites

    Homer: Trying is the first step toward failure.
    Homer: Seat belts? They kill more people than they save.
    Lisa: That's not true, you're thinking of airbags!
    Chief Wiggum: What the--? This is Wiggum reporting a 3-18: Waking a police officer.
    Snake: [about his car, Lil' Bandit] Hey, that smells like regular! She needs Premium, dude! PREMIUM! DUUUUUDE!!
    [Bart and Lisa help Marge practice her skills as an estate agent by roleplaying as a married couple]
    Marge: So, you're married and you're looking for your house, Mr. and Mrs...?
    Bart: Superman!
    Lisa: [chuckling] Oh! Don't listen to my husband, he's just an idiot. Now, I'm a veterinarian, and I need to keep lots of sick animals in my house - is that permitted?
    Bart: Not in my damn house!
    Marge: Well, this neighbourhood is zone R3, which allows dogs, cats, phone-answering monkeys, and... ohhh... [checks book and sits down in defeat] I'll never memorize all this!
    Lisa: When I had to learn about the Magna Carta, I made up a song! [sings to the tune of "DooDah"]
    In 1215 at Runnymede, do da do da,
    The nobles and the king agreed, oh da doo da day!
    Bart: [grumpily] We should have lived together first...
    [Bart and Lisa have come up with a song to help Marge study for her realtor's license and are singing it to Homer to the tune of “Oh Susannah”]
    Bart, Lisa, and Marge: On the closing day, the escrow agents pay
    Taxes, liens and interest too, thanks to Fannie Mae!
    Bart: They back your baaaaaank!
    Homer: You're all nuts.
    Ned Flanders: [high-pitched] Aaaaaaahhhh! All my life I've wanted purple drapes! [high-pitched] Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!
    Lionel Hutz: Marge, I had a lot of calls about you. Customers love your no-pressure approach.
    Marge: Well, like we say, the right house for the right person.
    Lionel Hutz: Listen, it's time I let you in on a little secret, Marge. "The right house" is the house that's for sale; the "right person" is anyone.
    Marge: But all I did was tell the truth.
    Lionel Hutz: Of course you did. But there's "the truth" (frowns and shakes head) and "the truth." (smiles wide and nods) Let me show you.
    Marge: It's awfully small.
    Lionel Hutz: I'd say it's awfully "cozy."
    Marge: That's dilapidated.
    Lionel Hutz: Rustic.
    Marge: That house is on fire!
    Lionel Hutz: "Motivated seller".
    Marge: Thank you, Bart, thank you, Lisa, for all your help!
    Homer: What about me? You didn't thank me.
    Bart: You didn't do anything.
    Homer: I like being thanked.
    Lionel Hutz: [furious] A smashed hot-rod, a wrecked police cruiser, a destroyed house?! I've had it with your renegade ways, Simpson! You're a loose cannon!
    Marge: But I--
    Lionel Hutz: And what really fries me is you returned his check!

## Miracle on Evergreen Terrace

    Sideshow Mel: You only live once!
    Apu: Hey, speak for yourself!
    [After finding out that the Simpsons Christmas tree was burned and buried in the snow and Bart lied about the burglar taking everything]
    Moe: [disillusioned] So this was all a scam. And on Christmas.
    Barney: Yeah. Jesus must be spinning in his grave!
    [Marge reads a hate letter from the pile on the kitchen table]
    Marge: "You'll all get yours in hell, you lying thieving..." (hesitates): "blanking blankers. Sincerely, Moe."
    Homer: Oh, great, now we have to send him a card.
    Marge: I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not.
    Homer: Marge, kids, let's go buy some happiness!
    Lisa: This year's tree is just perfect. That aluminum one was so fake.
    Marge: I couldn't agree more. From now on it's plastic all the way.
    Lisa: Hey, why don't we walk over to Grampa's and cheer up the old folks? That'll make us feel better.
    Homer: [moans] Okay, but they'll have to be pretty damn miserable to make me happy.
    Bart: Hey, since when is Christmas just about presents? Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day... the birth of Santa?
    Wiggum: Now, um, what did this Christmas thief look like?
    Bart: Well, he had a glass eye, a wooden leg, a big scar on his cheek.
    Wiggum: Anything unusual?
    Milhouse: Hey, look what I got, Bart! A Tickle Me Krusty!
    Krusty doll: Hey, kid, get your finger out of there.
    Milhouse: [laughing, Homer throws a snowball at his face] Ow!
    Marge: [offscreen] Homer!
    Homer: Lisa, you promised they'd be miserable. What the hell's going on?
    Homer: Is this car $15,000?
    Salesman: [rubs off the $12,000 price tag] It is now. And because of your loss, folks, I'll throw in the undercoating for two hund—No, four hundred and ninety bucks!
    Homer: What a deal! I'd be a sucker not to get it!
    Bart: I don't know about this, Dad. Shouldn't we give the money to charity or some—OW!
    Salesman: Oh, I'm sorry, I jabbed you with my pen.
    Bart: Oww! You're still doing it!
    Salesman: I know.
    Kent: Kent Brockman here for a follow-up with Springfield's favorite hard-luck family, the Simpsons. Folks, any words for the Christmas thief if he's watching?
    Homer: Eh, yes… Kent. Uh, hello… jerk. We may never find you, and we should probably all stop looking. But one thing's for sure… you do exist.
    Kent: Strong words. Strong, bewildering words.
    Kent: So when you realized Christmas was ruined, how did you feel?
    Marge: [annoyed] How'd you think I felt?
    Kent: Absolutely devastated? [turns to camera] "Absolutely devastated," the words of a heartbroken mother.
    Bart: There was no burglar. I accidentally burned up the tree. And the presents. I'm really sorry.
    Lisa: Why you little-! [Runs over and starts strangling Bart]
    Homer: Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak! [He strangles Bart]
    Moe: Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
    Homer: [drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe… you're always Moe.
    Kent: In my long career, I've seen some pretty shabby things, but this putrid fraud out-stinks them all.
    Cameraman: And cut.
    Kent: I just wanna thank you folks so much! This has turned out to be a great, great story for me.

## All Singing, All Dancing

    Marge: We got the popcorn. Did you get Waiting to Exhale?
    Homer: Well, they put us on a Waiting to Exhale waiting list, but they said don't hold your breath.
    Homer: Singing is the lowest form of communication.
    Marge: Homer, you sing all the time.
    Homer: No I don't, I hate to rhyme.
    [singing]
    Lisa: You like musicals, don't you Dad?
    Homer: No, I don't, I think they're bad
    They're fake and phony and totally wrong
    Bart: Wake up Dad, you're singing a song
    Homer: I wouldn't, I couldn't, I hate that stuff
    Marge: Now Homer, listen, I've had enough
    In our family videos we have plainly seen
    You're a singing, dancing, entertainment machine
    Snake: [rhyming] A singing family, it's worse than I feared
    For hostage purposes, you're just too weird
    Bye.
    Snake: [telling] Say your prayers, and then it's ka-blammo!
    [Snake fires, but hears nothing but a click]
    Snake: [telling] I'll be back, when I get some ammo! Bye!
    Snake: [shoots someone heard offscreen during the end credits] Yo! I told you to stop the music, dudes. I'm serious. [cricket sounds can be heard and some music are heard too] Oh oh OH you're so not listening! [shoots offscreen again, more cricket sounds, and even more offscreen music] Okay, I heard that. I hear that, dudes! [shoots offscreen and shoots music during the Gracie Films logo] You too, Gracie music dude! Gah!

## Bart Carny

    Bart: But I can't go out dressed like this! What if someone sees me?
    Marge: You're just going to our backyard, no one will see you.
    Nelson: [off-camera, as Bart opens door] HA-
    Marge: [pointing towards door after Bart closes it] Mmmm!
    Nelson: [still off-camera] -HA!
    Carnival Owner: Some say the skeleton of Hitler himself is in the trunk. But, I'm a busy man, and I haven't had the time to look.
    Cooder: Hey, you lost your money fair and square! I didn't scam nobody!
    Homer: [laughing] Put down your stick. We're here to work.
    Bart: Starting today, we're carnies, just like you.
    Cooder: Well, in that case, let me show you how I scammed you.
    Cooder: [Explaining the ring toss booth] The main thing is to bring in the rubes.
    Spud: Do whatever it takes. Sweet talk, insults, slang from the '30s that no one uses anymore.
    Bart: Like "rubes"?
    Spud: Now you're on the trolley.
    Nelson: You wrecked Hitler's car! What did he ever do to you?
    Homer: The experts say that if you want an animal to do something, you should do it yourself first to show him how.
    Marge: [angry] I'm not going to the bathroom in the backyard!
    Homer: Sorry, Your Majesty.
    Chief Wiggum: Word around here is your game is crooked.
    Homer: And how!
    Chief Wiggum: Well, perhaps we can come to an "understanding". [holds out his hand]
    Homer: I understand.
    Bart: Uh, Dad?
    Homer: Not now, son. Daddy's talking to the policeman.
    Chief Wiggum: Let me put it to you this way. I'm looking for my friend, Bill. Have you seen any Bills around here?
    Homer: No. He's Bart.
    Chief Wiggum: Okay, let's try this again and watch as I wink each time. The man I'm really looking for, wink, is Mr Bribe. Wink, wink.
    Homer: [pause] ...It's a ring toss game.
    Chief Wiggum: All right, That's it, I'm shutting this place down.
    Homer: What ain't that nothing?
    Cooder: Our game, our home... What happened here?
    Bart: Cops took it.
    Cooder: Why didn't you bribe 'em?
    Homer: I tried, but the opportunity never came up.
    Homer: Carnies took over our house, you've gotta help us!
    Chief Wiggum: Well well, look who it is, Mr. No Bribe. Sure, we'll help you, just sit down and wait for Detective Like I Give A Damn.
    Homer: Thank you so much.
    Lisa: Uh, Dad...
    Homer: Honey, daddy's waiting for the detective.
    Marge: We can't just give up on our house. There's got to be a way to get these guys out of there.
    Bart: I say we set fire to the house, kill them that way.
    Marge: We don't want to kill them, we just want our home back!
    Lisa: Well... if we did set fire to the house-
    Marge: No fires!
    Homer: I've got it!
    Marge: No fires!
    Homer: Aw!
    Marge: There must be a way to outsmart them.
    Homer: Uh, you can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folks in the world. Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with those crooked games- That's it! Fire!

## The Joy of Sect

    Homer: I always say: a boy can learn more at an airport then he can at any school.
    Marge: I've never heard of these Movementarians. Are they some kind of church?
    Homer: Who cares what it is? The point is that these are some decent generous people that I can take advantage of.
    Marge: But what if they try to talk us into something?
    Homer: Marge, Marge, Marge. Remember when those smooth-talking guys tried to sell me a time-share vacation condo?
    Marge: You bought four of them! Thank God the check bounced.
    Homer: So I beat the system.
    Lisa: Watch yourself, Dad. You're the highly suggestible type.
    Homer: Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.
    Homer: Homer no function beer well without.
    Rev. Lovejoy: (preaching at church) This so called "new religion" is nothing more than a bunch of weird rituals designed to take away the money of fools. Now, let's say the Lord's prayer 40 times but first let's pass the collection plate.
    Glen: Your family will be housed here for the first 100,000 years, then something might open up in a double.
    Homer: Why even unpack?
    Homer: Wait, I'm confused about the movie ... so the cops knew Internal Affairs was setting them up?
    Glen: What are you talking about? There's nothing like that in there.
    Homer: Well, you see when I get bored I make up my own movies. I have a very short attention span.
    Jane: But our point is very simple, you see when...
    Homer: Oh look! A bird! Hee hee hee!
    [Homer runs after the bird]
    Glen: Outsiders have kidnapped some of our property. We must respond with our deadliest weapon.
    Jane: [sinister] The lawyers.
    Lisa: It's wonderful to think for ourselves again.
    Bart: You said it, sister.
    TV voice-over: You are watching Fox.
    Homer, Marge, Bart, and Lisa: We are watching Fox.
    Mr. Burns: Smithers, why haven't I heard of this "The Leader"? He's as rich and wicked as I, but he seems to enjoy tax exempt status!
    Smithers: Actually, sir, with our creative book-keeping and corporate loop holes we only pay three dollars a year.
    Mr. Burns: [Shocked] You're right, we're getting screwed! There must be something we can do about this. Yes, I believe I know just the thing [Evil laugh] [Long Pause]
    Smithers: Uh, sir... You've got to tell me what the plan is, or nothing will happen.
    Mr. Burns: Oh, right. The plan. You see me as a God, right, Smithers?
    Smithers: Absolutely, sir!
    Mr. Burns: You'd kneel before me?
    Smithers: Boy, would I!
    Mr. Burns: Yes... uh... Then I'll just form my own religion, with its own special symbol [Burns starts sketching down a symbol.] We'll use this special K! [It's the Kellogg symbol]
    Smithers: I believe that's already a breakfast cereal, sir.
    Mr. Burns: Do people worship it?
    Smithers: In a way...
    Mr. Burns: Alright, then... how about this? [Sketches another symbol, which is Mickey Mouse's ears.]
    Smithers: Ah, why don't you leave the symbol to me, sir?
    [Rev. Lovejoy tries to knock out Homer, but fails.]
    Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, the devil's given him superhuman strength.
    Groundskeeper Willie: [Snatches the bat from Reverend.] Gimme that, you noodle-armed choir boy!
    [Willie tries to knock out Homer, but fails as well.]
    Rev. Lovejoy: Well that didn't do it, Mr. Kilt.
    Homer: I've learned that he's not using our money to build a spaceship. [starts opening the barn] He's using our money to [Looks inside and sees a flying saucer] build one hell of a spaceship.

## Das Bus

    Homer: [phoning in sick to work] Can't make it in today, Mr. Smithers; I have smallpox. Well it wasn't wiped out in my house!
    [Nelson is crushing Wendell's nose with chopsticks.]
    Wendell: Ow, I can't breathe! Please stop him!
    Skinner: I'd like to, but I'm afraid he has diplomatic immunity.
    Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything, we must respect--
    Bart: Point of "odor," Lisa stinks.
    (children laugh)
    Sherri/Terri: Hey, leave her alone.
    Nelson: You leave her alone.
    (children are all shouting at each other)
    Ralph: [singing] O, Canada
    {Principal Skinner restores order by banging his shoe on the desk}
    Principal Skinner: Order, order! Do you kids want to be like the real U.N., or do you just want to squabble and waste time?
    [The bus is rising with water, Wendell's drowning and Bart looks at his black friend, Lewis.]
    Bart: [to Lewis] I guess this is the end, Wendell.
    Lewis: [pointing to Wendell, the white kid] He's Wendell, I'm Lewis.
    Bart: Well, whatever. Just tell Wendell I said, "Bye."
    Nelson: [taking an orange out of the cooler) Hey Simpson, race ya!
    Bart: [taking an apple out] First one to the front of the bus gets Martin's lunch money.
    Martin: What?
    [The two put their fruits on the floor of the bus, beginning to roll to the front]
    Bart: Go apple!
    Nelson: Go orange!
    (Ralph puts a banana on the floor)
    Ralph: Go banana!
    Bart: It'll be just like The Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing. We'll live like kings! Damn hell ass kings!
    Sherri/Terri: I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's.
    Sherri: This is all Lisa's fault! She had the idea of that stupid UN club!
    Lisa: Hey, Martin seconded the motion. It's entirely his fault.
    Nelson: People, people, let's not blame each other. We all know this is Milhouse's fault.
    Lisa: All we could find are these oozing berries, and they look pretty poisonous.
    Ralph: I eated the purple berries.
    Bart: How are they, Ralph? Good?
    Ralph: [collapsing in pain] They taste like burning.
    Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.
    Homer Simpson: Welcome to the internet, my friend, how can I help you?
    Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
    Homer Simpson: [stares blankly for a few seconds] Can I have some money now?

## The Last Temptation of Krust

    Krusty: Uh-huh. Charity, eh? What's my cut? Nothing? I make more than that takin' a schvitz. Hey-hey, happy birthday. Now get 'em outta here.
    Jay Leno: He seems reluctant.
    Bart: Tell him it will count towards his community service.
    Krusty: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right, I'll do it. [groans] Boy, swipe one pair of Haggar slacks and you're payin' for it the rest of your life.
    [Moe is presenting Krusty's return to comedy]
    Moe: Hi, how're you folks doin'? I'm Moe, or as the ladies like to call me, "hey you, behind the bushes". [the audience doesn't respond]; [Moe taps on the microphone] Is this thing on?
    Barney: No. Sorry, Moe. [Turns on the microphone]
    Homer: Heh heh heh, from now on, I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs!
    Bart: Dad!
    Homer: You too, Bart!
    Marge: Oh, knock it off, Homer; you're the fattest one in the car!
    Homer: [shocked] You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge.
    Marge: Oh, look! This is the perfect chance to get you kids some nice church shoes!
    [Bart and Lisa sigh]
    Bart: What do we need church shoes for, Jesus wore sandals.
    Homer: Well, maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught him.
    Steven Wright: I finally got around to reading the dictionary...turns out the zebra did it.
    [The crowd laughs]
    Homer: I don't get it.
    Lisa: Dad, the zebra didn't do it, its just a word at the end of the dictionary.
    Homer: I still don't get it.
    Lisa: It's just a joke.
    Homer: Oooh! I get it! I get jokes. [Laughs]
    Krusty: Have you noticed how there are two phone books: a white one and a yellow one. What's the deal with that?
    Lisa: One's residential, the other is business.
    Krusty: Oh. Well, that makes sense. But what will they think of next? Blue Pages?
    Marge: We have those. They're government listings.

## Dumbbell Indemnity

    Homer: (drunk at Moe's) Here's to Marge! And all the blissful years I've spent hiding from her in this bar!
    Moe: Yeah, yeah, you got a wife, I got a rash! Who cares?!
    Moe: It's been four years since my last date with a whatchoo-call-it, uh, woman.
    Moe: No girl wants to end up with a Joe Pukepail like me.
    Homer: Now, now, I won't hear of it, Moe! You're a fabulous catch!
    Moe: Oh yeah? Well how come I ain't fending off movie starlets with a pointy stick?
    Homer: Oh, it's probably due to your ugliness, but that doesn't mean we can't find you a woman. C'mon! We're going to the darkest bar in town!
    Homer: Don't give up Moe. The girl of your dreams has gotta be in some bar.
    Moe: [upon hearing his player's club card is maxed out] Well, that's it. It's over. Renee ain't gonna want to hang around with no Joe pinch-penny.
    Homer: Come on, Moe. Think of all the things you have to offer her besides money.
    Moe:[beat] I need cash, and lots of it!
    Homer: Why don't you sell your car?
    Moe: Ah, my car ain't worth nothing, but it is insured for five grand. Homer, you gotta steal the car for me and wreck it.
    Homer: Steal your car? I can just imagine what Marge would say.
    Marge: [in thought balloon] Homer, I insist you steal that car.
    Homer: I'll do it!
    Moe: Hawaii here we come. Ananakooli, Makawani, Ana-ona, Nanawula Wa, Hawaii...ha
    Homer: Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe? Who's going to Hawaii? Am I going to Hawaii?
    Wiggum: Stop saying Hawaii in there.
    Homer: (scooting a cart of books to Moe's Tavern with his right leg) Must kill Moe. (holds onto the cart, riding along happily) WHEEE!!! (goes back to scooting) Must kill Moe. (holds again) WHEEE!!!
    Moe: Homer! Thank God! You gotta help me!
    Homer: [picks up a flaming 2x4] Oh I'll help you...help you die!
    Barney: [emerging from the bathroom to see Homer and Moe unconscious] Moe! Homer! [screams as he sees the fire heading towards the counter] Aagh! The booze!
    Moe: Oh, Homer! I've been the world's biggest rat. Can you ever forgive me?
    Homer: Aww, I could never stay mad at you, Moe. After all, you get me drunk!
    Homer: Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath!
    Bart: Yeah, mom says a lot of things.
    Homer: Oh, I understand, kids. I'm not a bath man myself, more of a cologne man.

## Lisa the Simpson

    Grampa: (talking to Lisa) Your dad used to be as smart as a monkey. Then his mind started gettin' lazy, and now he's a dumb as a chimp.
    Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such medical films as "Alice Doesn't Live Anymore" and "Mommy, What's Wrong with that Man's Face?"
    Grampa: (about Lisa) Aw, she's just upset 'cause I told her her brain's turnin' to mush. On account of the Simpson gene!
    Marge: "Simpson gene?" That's just foolishness!
    Grampa: No. Baldness, too.
    Lisa: Dear log, can it be true? Do all Simpsons go through a process of dumbening? Wait, that's not how you spell "dumbening". Wait, dumbening isn't even a word. Hmm, I've got to find out more.
    Lisa: I'm strongly opposed to Proposition umm 3-3-0-5...
    TV Producer: You're against discount bus fares for war widows?
    Lisa: You bet I am!
    Lisa: [on TV] I'm supposed to be talking to you today about Proposition 3305...
    Homer: Moochin' war widows!
    [Talking about Lisa]
    Bart: Lisa insulted us, Mom. She thinks she is so great. I'll dance on her grave.
    Marge: Bart!
    Bart: [clueless] What? Oh, napkin, right.
    Rod and Todd: [Reading the offensive baseball cap] "Show...me...your"- Hey!
    [Ned covers their eyes]
    Ned: It says "show me your tie". It's cute. C'mon let's go!
    Homer: I rounded up every Simpson in the tri-city area so I can prove to you there's nothing wrong with the Simpson genes. This is your great uncle Chet. Go ahead, Chet. Tell her what you do.
    Chet: I run an unsuccessful shrimp company.
    Homer: [Nervous] Oh.. but you.. RUN it.. right?
    Chet: OH Yea.
    Homer: Okay.. uh.. this is your second cousin, Stanley!
    Stanley: Um.. I shoot birds at the airport.
    Homer: [More nervous] Everybody hates birds.. right? [Frantically looks for a successful relative. He spots a dapper looking fellow smoking a cigar.] Wehh, you look pretty successful!
    Guy: Thanks! I play a millionaire at parties. [Face drops] At least, I'd.. like to.
    Bart: You probably should have researched this first, eh dad?
    Homer: What about you?
    Guy 2: Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers.
    Guy 3: I beg celebrities for money!
    Guy 4: I'm a prison snitch.
    Guy 5: Jug band manager.
    Guy 6: My legs hurt!
    [Homer sees Lisa further depressed and has kicked out the relatives, believing they're just as pathetic as his father.]
    Marge: Wait Homer, you didn't talk to everyone. What about the women?
    Homer: What do you do [Reads the name tag of a female relative who looks like Lisa] Dr. Simpson?
    Lisa: [Brightens] Dr.!
    Dr. Simpson: I'm the head of complicated surgeries.
    [Lisa asked if she went to college. Dr. Simpson admits she did as well as her sisters who became successful as a lawyer, architect, and a sales coordinator at a bed company specializing in bunk and trundle beds.]
    Dr. Simpson: The defective Simpson Gene is only in the Y-Chromosome.

## This Little Wiggy

    Principal Skinner: Kids, this is Robbie the Automaton.
    Robbie the Automaton: Greetings, Earth children.
    Lewis: Where are you from?
    Robbie the Automaton: [pause] Earth.
    Lisa: What a whimsical building. Who says science can't be fun?
    Bart: Me. I smell a museum.
    Homer: Yeah, good things don't end with -eum, they end with -mania, or –teria. Will there be beer?
    Ralph Wiggum: I found a moon rock in my nose.
    Bart: Houston, we have a booger.
    Bart: Your dad is chief of police, doesn't he have any cool police stuff?
    Ralph: Just in his closet, but he said I'm not allowed to go in there.
    Bart: Did he say I'm not allowed to go in there?
    Ralph: Yes.
    Chief Wiggum: (to Ralph) You know you're not suppose to go in there. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?
    Ralph Wiggum: The pointy kitty took it! (after a rat stole his key)
    Bart: Whoa, mama, the electric chair! (sniffs) Smell that, Ralph? That's the smell of justice.
    Ralph: Smells like hot dogs.
    (Lisa's model rocket flies into Mr. Burns's office at the nuclear plant)
    Mr. Burns: Smithers! There's a rocket in my pocket.
    Smithers: (suggestively) You don't have to tell me, sir.

## Simpson Tide

    Doughnut 1: Homer Simpson, you stand accused of eating half the population of the planet of the doughnuts!
    Doughnut 2: As Homer's defense attorney, I feel we should be mercifu-- hey! Did you just take a bite out of me?
    Homer: Uh… maybe.
    Smithers: Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw this in the reactor core.
    Homer: [sees charred doughnut] Success!
    Burns: You did this? How could you be so irresponsible?
    Homer: Uh...it's my first day.
    Burns: Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. Very well, carry on! [walks off]
    Smithers: Sir, that's Homer Simpson. He's been working here for ten years.
    Burns: Ohh, really? Why did you think you could lie to me?
    Homer: It's my first day.
    Burns: Well, why didn't you say-- Yawoo! You're fired!
    Announcer: Daybreak: Jakarta. The proud men and women of the Navy are fighting for freedom. But you're in Lubbock, Texas, hosing stains off a monument. You're in the Naval Reserve, America's seventeenth line of defense, between the Mississippi National Guard, and the League of Women Voters. After basic training, you'll only have to work one weekend a month. And most of that time, you're drunk off your ass.
    Homer: We live in a highly technological age where fighting a war is as simple as turning off a light. [starts clapping]
    Marge: We don't have a Clapper.
    Homer: [clapping] Sorry, can't hear you, Marge, I'm clapping. [Homer claps for several seconds before throwing the lamp out the window] Nightie night.
    Homer: Well guys, I won't be seeing you for a while.
    Barney: Where you going?
    Homer: I've joined the Naval Reserve.
    Barney: Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too!
    Moe: Well I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers. I'm joining too!
    Apu: And although my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey, I'm in too.
    Homer: Gee, thanks guys. This is just like The Deer Hunter.
    Moe: The Deer Hunter? Uh, that reminds me. [runs into a room in the back. Skinner and Krusty are playing Russian roulette with a Vietnamese mob boss. The mob boss puts a bullet in revolver, spins the gun chamber, places it near Krusty and dares him]
    Mob boss: Didi mau! Didi mau! [as Krusty reaches for the gun, Moe interrupts]
    Moe: I'm sorry guys, we're shuttin' down for a while. Sorry.
    Homer: See you in a week.
    Lisa: Good luck, Dad. Although I'm morally opposed to the military-industrial complex of which you are now a part.
    Homer: Aw, that's sweet, honey. I'll bring you back a hat.
    Bart: Hey, Homer, bring me back a torpedo.
    Homer: No.
    Bart: But Flanders got his kids torpedoes.
    Homer: Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power!
    Marge: Homer!
    Homer: But only if you're good. Even if you're not.
    Homer: No way, man! My hair is who I am! [the barbers shave Homer anyway. Outside, Barney, Moe and others hold their shaven hair while Homer has the two strands that are left of his hair] Ow, I'm a freak!
    Drill Sergent: (to Apu) Tuck in that shirt. (to Moe) Shine those shoes, mister. (to Homer, who has on the Foam Dome beer hat he last wore on "Selma's Choice") Oh, for the love of...
    Homer: Eh, a seagull took my sailor hat. [sergeant removes and throws hat to ground]
    Drill Sergeant: All right, Simpson. I don't like you, and you don't like me.
    Homer: I like you.
    Drill Sergeant: Um, all right. You like me, but I don't like you.
    Homer: Maybe you would like me if you got to know me.
    Drill Sergeant: What are you, a comedian?
    Homer: Well, I'm no Margaret Cho, but I do a pretty fair Columbo impression. Eh, one more thing-- One... I should get a glass of water.
    Drill Sergeant: Aaaarrrggghh..!
    Homer: There, the perfect sheepshank!
    Drill Sergeant: Very nice, Simpson. But next time, tie the other end to the ship! [a large vessel drifts away, out to sea, and off a waterfall]
    Homer: Oh-hoh..!
    Milhouse: Hey, Bart. Check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh?
    Bart: Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?
    Milhouse: No, I think she's hot! Sorry, it just slipped out.
    Principal Skinner: Young man, the school dress code specifically forbids the wearing of earrings unless you're of gypsy extraction.
    Milhouse: Well, uh, I'm a gypsy.
    Principal Skinner: Oh, really? Prove it.
    Milhouse: Uh, I want to suck your blood!
    Principal Skinner: Nuh-uh, that's a vampire. But, uh, they're also covered. Carry on.
    Man with Eye Patch: Lost this eye in Haiti. I was drinking a Mai Tai, and I forgot to take the little parasol out.
    Abraham: That's not a war story, I'll tell you a war story. I was on PT-109 with John F. Kennedy. I was the first to discover his terrible secret.
    Kennedy: Ich bin ein Berliner.
    Abraham: He's a Nazi! Get him!
    Marge: What on Earth possessed you to getting an earring?
    Bart: Milhouse has one.
    Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff--
    Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there!
    Homer: Well, I guess that's everyone. Except earring boy.
    Bart: Come on, dad didn't you do anything wild when you were a kid?
    Homer: Well, when I was 10 I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different!
    Bart: Fine, take it.
    Captain Tenille: I'm a man of few words. [long pause] Any questions?
    Homer: Is a poop deck really what I think it is?
    Captain Tenille: [chuckles] I like the cut of your jib.
    Homer: What's a jib?
    Captain Tenille: [laughs] Promote that man.
    Captain Tenille: Tell me young man, what do you want out of life?
    Homer: [straining to reach the peas on the table] I want peas.
    Captain Tenille: Oh, we all want peace, but it's always just out of reach. [Homer groans and sits back in his chair] So, what's the best way to get peace?
    Homer: [reaching out and picking up peas on his knife] With a knife.
    Captain Tenille: Exactly! Not with the olive branch but the bayonet! Ah, Simpson, you're like the son I never had.
    Homer: And you're like the father I never visit.
    Barney: Mayday, mayday! The engine room has sprung a leak! It's filling up with a clear, non-alcoholic liquid!
    Homer: You mean water?
    Barney: Yeah, that's it.
    Abe: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a Liar, a Pig, an idiot, a Communist, but he is NOT a porn star!

## The Trouble with Trillions

    [Scrambling to complete his taxes]
    Homer: Marge, how many kids do we have? Oh, no time to count, I'll just estimate! Uh... nine!
    Marge: Homer, you know we don't have--
    Homer: Shut up! Shut up! If I don't hear you, it's not illegal! Okay I need some deductions. Deductions... Oh, business gifts! [hands Marge the sailboat painting from above the couch] Here you go, keep using nuclear power.
    Marge: Homer, I painted that for you.
    Homer: Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require twenty-four hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam.
    Bart: Cool!
    Marge: I put the tax forms on the top of your "to do" pile a month ago.
    Homer: I have a "to do" pile?! (looks at the mountain of papers next to him on the end table, which wasn't there before)
    Mr. Burns: [Pointing to a display case] Oh, you'll find this amusing: the suit Chaplin was buried in.
    Agent Johnson: We believe Burns still has the bill hidden somewhere in his house, but all we've ascertained from satellite photos is that it's not on the roof.
    Mr. Burns: See with your eyes, not with your hands!
    Fidel Castro: Please! We are all amigos here!
    Homer: Mr. Burns, I think we can trust the President of Cuba!
    [Mr. Burns reluctantly hands over the money]
    Mr. Burns: Now give it back.
    Fidel Castro: Give what back?
    [Homer, Smithers, and Mr. Burns are on a raft back to America after their disastrous encounter with Fidel Castro]
    Mr. Burns: If it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government, and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that.
    Homer: God bless America!
    Fidel Castro: Our country is completely bankrupt. We have no choice but to abandon communism.
    Aides: AWWW!
    Castro: I know, but we knew from day one this mumbo jumbo wouldn't fly. [picks up a phone]. I'm gonna call Washington and tell them, they've won.
    Male aide: But Sir, the Americans tried to kill you.
    Castro: Eh, they're not so bad. They named a street for me in San Francisco. [aide whispers something into his ear] It's full of whahh?

## Girly Edition

    Store Clerk: May I inquire as to how you are differently abled?
    Homer: Oh, I'm not handicapped. I'm just lazy.
    Store Clerk: Sir, helper monkeys are only for the physically challenged or enfeebled.
    Homer: Enfeebled? Ooooh, I know just the guy. Be right back.
    [Homer walks out of the Animal Assistants Store with Mojo the Helper Monkey and Grampa Simpson]
    Grampa Simpson: Oh, son, this monkey's gonna change my life.
    Homer: Mind if I take him for a ride?
    Grampa Simpson: Sure, I'll just stand here.
    [Homer and Mojo get in the car and drive away]
    Grampa Simpson: Mmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey.
    Principal Skinner: Lisa, Channel Six is launching a children's news program, and they've asked me to select an outstanding student to be anchor child.
    Lisa: [Gasps] Oh my god! Today's top story, little girl on cloud nine as dream comes true.
    Principal Skinner: Lisa, I've selected you to be that child anchor.
    Lisa: I know, I already jumped to that conclusion.
    Principal Skinner: Alright, if you're so smart, tell me who I selected to be lunch room monitor?
    Lisa: Me?
    Principal Skinner: (beat) Take your sash and go.
    (Bart has aired a segment of "Bart's People" featuring the man that fed the ducks, but they left to the other side of the pond)
    Mr. Burns: (sniffling) Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
    Smithers: There's no maybe about it, sir.
    Mr. Burns: [sniffling] Excellent.
    Lisa: They want sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap they'll be blowing their nose with a pancake!
    Bart: I'll show Lisa who's dumb.
    [He picks up newspaper]
    Bart: Supreme Court reverses...uuuhh, I won't turn to the comics, I won't turn to the comics! All right, I'll read one comic just to get me rolling. Archie. "Hey, Jughead, did you hear, the Supreme Court reversed"...ooohh!
    Lisa: Hmm, thank you Bart, for yet another touching "Bart's People". Now,turning to...
    Bart: I just think our veterans deserve a little recognition.
    Lisa: That's what Veteran's Day is for, Bart.
    Bart: But is that really enough to honor our brave soldiers?
    Lisa: Eh, heh, heh...they also have Memorial Day.
    Bart: Oh, Lisa, maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong! The important thing is, veterans deserve a day to honor them!
    Lisa: [through clenched teeth] They have two!
    Bart: Well, maybe they should have three. I'm Bart Simpson.

## Trash of the Titans

    Lisa: Dad, is this another one of those situations that could be solved by a simple apology?
    Homer: I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.
    [Homer chases the garbage truck holding his garbage bin, only to give up angrily]
    Homer: You guys are the lousiest garbage men ever! YEAH, I'M TALKING TO YOU!! YOU TRASH-EATIN' STINKBAGS!! [the garbage truck screeches to a halt] Uh-oh...
    [the garbage men's truck reverses back to Homer]
    Garbage Man 1: What did you call us?!
    Homer: [intimidated] I dunno... a lot of people yelling stuff.
    Garbage Man 1: Yeah, you called us "trash-eatin' stinkbags!"
    Garbage Man 2: Didn't ya learn anything from Love Day?!
    Homer: [pokes him] That was yesterday, moron.
    Homer: Good morning, trash pile. How's my—hey... [trash pile is completely gone] Woo-hoo! I won!
    [later in the kitchen]
    Homer: This is a very, very proud day for us, especially me. Your father, ME, beat city hall! It's just like David and Goliath, only this time, David won.
    Lisa's Brain: I know. I heard it too. Here's some music. ["Für Elise" plays and Lisa blisses away. Homer turns to Marge]
    Homer: And to think you wanted me to crawl, Marge. Well, this man does not crawl, he stands tall! That rhymes Marge, and you know it rhymes, admit it.
    Marge: Aw Homer, you did not beat city hall! They picked up our trash because I sent a letter of apology to the sanitation commissioner and signed your name – PERIOD.
    Homer: Yo... You signed my name?! I feel so violated!
    Marge: You have signed my name lots of times.
    Homer: But this isn't like a loan, application or a will! You signed away my dignity! And I'm going to get it back. Lisa, do I have my pants on?
    Lisa: Yes.
    Homer: Perfect.
    Homer: I wanna register the booth for sanitation commissioner! And tell the fat cats upstairs, "Things are gonna change in this town!"
    Wiseguy: OK, but this is where you register as a sex offender.
    [Moe enters]
    Moe: Aw geez, there's always a line...
    [Ray Patterson bursts through the door, panting as he reaches his podium next to Homer]
    Patterson: Sorry I'm late, everyone. [accusingly to Homer]: Somebody tampered with my brakes. [everyone gasps]
    Homer: Well, then you should've been early. [the whole crowd laughs uproariously]
    Chief Wiggum: Hey, he got you there, Ray.
    Patterson: Oh, come on, people. This man has promised round-the-clock trash pickup, that's impossible.
    Homer: Not if we hire more men, and my men'll do all your messy jobs. They'll wash your car, scrub your shower, air out your stinkables.
    [the entire crowd applauds enthusiastically. Patterson is dumbfounded]
    Patterson: I can't believe what I'm hearing!
    Homer: Well, then you'd better turn up your hearing aid, Pops.
    Patterson: "Pops"? I'm only two years older than you!
    Homer: Do we want Old Man Patterson here with his finger on the button?
    Patterson: What button?! What the hell are you talking about?!
    Homer: [mocking] "What? What? What? What button? Where am I? Who took my false teeth?"
    Lenny: [on Homer running for sanitation commissioner] I don't know Ray Patterson, but he's no Ray Patterson.
    Carl: Yeah, Homer's a great nuclear safety inspector, but I don't know if I'd trust him with my garbage.
    Moe: You're gonna need to come up with a slogan that'll appeal to all the lazy slobs out there.
    Homer: Aww, can't someone else do it?
    Moe: "Can't someone else do it?" That's perfect.
    Homer: Really?
    Homer: [campaigning] Aren't you tired of having to peel that last snotty Kleenex from the bottom of your wastebasket?
    Man in crowd with enormous nose: I'll say!
    Homer: Okay, before I show you, who wants to guess how I got the money?
    Bart: Dealing drugs?
    Lisa: Drugs?
    Marge: I'll have to say drugs too.
    Homer: Close, but you're way off.
    [the family arrive at the Outskirts to see garbage trucks from different states dumping their garbage in a mine beneath Springfield]
    Homer: Look at that beautiful garbage. Other cities don't want it, so they pay me to dump it in this old abandoned mine.
    Lisa: That's awful! I almost wish it was drugs.
    Bart: Some of it is.
    [Bart points to a New York garbage truck dumping a large amount of syringes, firearms and grenades]
    [Homer calmly enters his office with a briefcase, where he is greeted by a bunch of angry sanitation workers]
    Homer: Morning, boys.
    Garbageman #1: Where's our paychecks, you bum? [the head garbageman comes at Homer's desk with a baseball bat]
    Head Garbageman: My men ain't workin' another minute until we get paid.
    [Homer unhinges briefcase to reveal stacks of money]
    Homer: Will cash be okay?
    Head Garbageman: Will it?
    [Mayor Quimby barges into Homer's office]
    Mayor Quimby: Did I just hear a briefcase opening?
    Adam: Look guys, I got a Springfield spoon for my spoon collection.
    The Edge: Oh, here we go...
    Bono: How many spoons have you got now, Adam?
    Adam: Nine. If I didn't have my spoons, I'd go insane.
    Bono: Can I see it? [... tossed it behind]
    Adam: My spoon! [the spoon lands on Mr. Burns' head]
    Mr. Burns: Ow! [mutters behind Bono and The Edge] Wankers.

## King of the Hill

    Rainier Wolfcastle: McBain to base. Under attack by commie Nazis.
    They won't stop me for delivering these UNICEF pennies. Go pennies, help the puny children who need you.
    [after McBain kills a Nazi by breaking his neck]
    Marge: That's what I call 'breakneck' speed!
    Bart: [poker-faced] Mom, a man just died.
    [As Marge uses a telescope to look up at the mountain Homer just climbed]
    Marge: Is that your wallet?
    Homer: D'oh!
    [Homer decides to take up running]
    Homer: Well, let’s get started. [Begins to run, and when he is almost kneeling for exhaustion, sees he only got as far as the mailbox "Flanders"] D'oh!
    Homer: If you're trying to scare me, it won't work. I'm 100% focused on my goal. Hey, my hat has ear-flaps.
    Homer: Sorry, Marge, I only eat food in bar form. When you concentrate food, you unleash its awesome power, I'm told. That's why I'm compressing 5 pounds of spaghetti into one handy mouth-sized bar. [He swallows the bar. Then dials the phone] Hospital, please.
    Marge: Hmmmm… anyway, it's time for the church picnic.
    Homer: What? They had a picnic last week.
    Marge: No, they didn't. You just brought a bucket of chicken to church.
    Homer: If God didn't wan't us to eat in church, he would have made gluttony a sin.
    Homer: I’m getting light headed. Good, no heavy head to carry.
    [A portable toilet is knocked over, exposing Comic Book Guy]
    Comic Book Guy: Oh! It appears I will have to find a new Fortress of Solitude.
    Powersauce Representative: Mr. Wolfcastle we have the perfect idea for a Powersauce commercial. You--
    Wolfcastle: I love it.
    [Homer jogs into town. He sees a sign for an All Night Gym]
    Homer: Gym? [mispronounces it as "gime"] What's a gym?
    [He walks inside, sees workout equipment]
    Homer: Oh... a gym!
    Sherpa 1: {in native language} I foresaw your death last night.
    Sherpa 2: {in native language} Stop saying that.
    Brad: Wake up, Homer! Those bars are just junk. They're made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers.
    Homer: [examines a bar] Hey, Deng Xiaoping died.

## Lost Our Lisa

    Bus Driver: Last stop. End of the line.
    Homer: I know I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please, save me, Superman!
    Homer: Stupid risks are what make life worth living.
    [as Homer and Lisa are breaking into the Springfield Museum]
    Homer: Could you open the window? The police have Daddy's prints on file.
    [Lisa finds herself in an ethnic part of Springfield]
    Lisa: [to herself] Huh, I didn't know Springfield had a Russian district. [comes across two men playing chess] Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to the museum?
    Man 1: [angrily] С удовольствием! Это шесть кварталов в этом направлении! [My pleasure. The museum is six blocks that way.]
    [Lisa runs off screaming]
    Man 1: [calmly] Hey, она пошла не в ту сторону. [Hey, she went the wrong way.]
    Man 2: [makes his move] Shah i mat. [Checkmate.]
    Man 1: [throws the board on the ground] Хорошая игра! Как насчет еще одной?! [Good game. How about another?]
    Lisa: Are you sure you don't want to go to the doctor? I mean, a drawbridge did close on your head.
    Homer: Nah, I'll just walk it off.
    [Bart is apologizing to Lisa behind the door, not knowing she's not in her room)
    Bart: Hey Lis, I'm sorry I ruined your Egyptian thing. We're still buds, right? Okay be that way, be a big stupid jerk. Oh, you're not the jerk...I am...forgive me? Oh, like you're Miss Perfect. Mom, Lisa's making me feel bad!
    Marge: Stop it, Lisa!
    Bart: That shut her up.
    Burns: Shouldn't you be at work right now?
    Homer: Uh yes sir, Mr. Burns, sir.
    Burns: Well then, get back to wherever it is you work, whoever you are.
    Homer: Maybe, but you don't know Lisa, I mean she's so smart they hooked her up to a big computer to try to teach it some things, but she had so much knowledge, it overloaded, and then it got really hot and caught on fire!
    Carl: That never, uh, happened, did it, Homer?
    Homer: Ah, yes, but now I have to leave on a totally unrelated matter. :[he starts to leave, then rushes out]: Oh, Lisa!
    Lisa: Stupid bus can't even go to the stupid place it's supposed to stupid go... ;[spies a flattened raccoon]: Ugh!
    Cletus: I seen it first. :[scoops it into truck with shovel]: Ooh, Girly Sue's gonna have an elegant wedding feast.
    Lisa: Aha. Um, listen, I'm kind of lost. Do you think you can give me a lift downtown?
    Brandine: Cletus, what are you beating your gums about?
    Cletus: Never you mind, Brandine. You just go back to birthin' that baby. Yeah, I'll fetch you a ride, little missy, hop on in. Mind the skunk, them things can go off even after they's dead.
    [Lisa retches and runs away]:
    Marge: A bus? Alone? Absolutely not. It's just too dangerous for an 8-year-old. In a few years when you're old enough to drive, then you can take the bus.
    Milhouse: Woah, looking sharp.
    Bart: Well, thanks guv'nor.
    [The novelties fall off Bart's face]
    Milhouse: If you put dog doo on the suction cups, they'll stick better.
    Bart: Milhouse, I'm not going to take dog doo that's been on the dirty ground and put it on my face. I have a better idea.
    Milhouse: Hey Bart, what's your favorite thing about teachers conference day?
    Bart: Hmm, well, I guess that we don't have to go to school.
    Milhouse: Wow, mine too!
    Bart: The world is completely different on a weekday morning. Banks are open, old people are walking the streets with impunity. And look, Barney's not even drunk yet.
    Barney: Morning, boys, can't stop to chat, time is money.
    Homer: Morning, Barney.
    Milhouse: You know what makes it even sweeter? While we're out having fun and walking around like crazy, those teachers are cooped up in school like morons.
    [Camera cuts to the teachers]
    Principal Skinner: Hmm, here we go again.
    [All the teachers are on a rollercoaster, having fun]
    Superintendent Chalmers: Skinner!
    Bart: Ta-da! Notice anything new?
    Marge: Bart, What have I told you about throwing money away on this joke shop?
    Bart: Try and cut back a little?
    Marge: (groans) Take these silly things off.
    Bart: It won't come off.

## Natural Born Kissers

    [Homer and Marge rush over to some garden ornaments naked; Marge stands behind birds and a flower, Homer stands behind two lumberjacks sawing a log]
    Homer: Marge, can we switch? I don't trust these guys.
    Marge: You don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing, do you?
    Homer: I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong.
    Reverend: Now let's all thank the lord for this our new crystal church for us to behold all his wondrous creation.
    [Homer's backside is sliding across the top of it the roof, making a huge noise]
    Reverend: Now hurry, let's all look down and admire God's new parquet floor. [Eyes closed looking down as Homer still passes by on the ceiling] Eyes on the floor, still on the floor, always on God's floor.
    Lisa: Wow! An alternate ending to Casablanca. Bart, this could be priceless!
    Bart: Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind of priceless?
    Marge: When we got married, is this how you thought we'd be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to buy a refrigerator motor?
    Homer: Naw, I never thought I'd live this long.
    Homer: Yeah, I thought Bart would be born a dimwit! Hahaha!
    Marge: Heh, heh, mmm...yeah.
    Chief Wiggum: Boy, I'll tell you, they only come out at night... or, in this case, the day.
    Marge: Whatever happened to Grampa? He was supposed to baby-sit.
    [Cut to Grampa in the Flanders's house watching Rod and Todd play checkers]
    Grampa: [to Rod] Now you got her, Bart. Jump Lisa's king.
    Rod: I'm not Bart, I'm Rod Flanders.
    Grampa: There you go with that smart mouth! (to Todd) Lisa, run outside and cut me a switch.
    Todd: Yes, sir!
    [Homer and Marge have ended up naked in the middle of a football game in the Springfield Stadium]
    Homer: [to the audience; annoyed] Why don't you take a picture?! It lasts longer! [everyone begins taking pictures] D'OH!
    Marge: It would have to be camera day...
    [Bart and Lisa are reading a newspaper featuring Homer and Marge ending up naked at the Springfield Stadium]
    Bart: Wow...
    [Marge takes the newspaper]
    Lisa: Hey!
    Marge: I don't want you reading these awful scandal sheets.
    Lisa: Uh, I was just trying to find Dave Barry's column.
    Bart: He's great! He pokes fun at life's little foibles.