# Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 4

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997–2003), created by Joss Whedon, was a television series about Buffy Summers, a teenage girl chosen by fate to battle against vampires, demons, and other supernatural foes. She is often aided by her Watcher and her circle of misfit friends. Season 4 aired on The WB from 1999 to 2000.

### The Freshman

    Buffy: Anything?
    Willow: Ah! "Introduction to the Modern Novel. A survey study of 20th century novelists." Open to freshmen. You might like that.
    Buffy: Introduction to the Modern Novel? I'm guessing I'd probably have to read the modern novel.
    Willow: Maybe more than one.
    Buffy: I like books... I just don't want to take on too much. Do they have an introduction to the Modern Blurb?
    Willow: Oh! "Short Story."
    Buffy: Well, that's good.
    Willow: Oh, no, it conflicts with psych.
    Buffy: Maybe I shouldn't take psych.
    Willow: You gotta. It-It's fun, and-and you can use it as your science requirement. Anyway, Professor Walsh is supposed to be great. She's like world-renowned.
    Buffy: How do you get to be renowned? I mean, like, do you have to be "nowned" first?
    Willow: Yes, first, there's the painful "nowning" process. Wait! "Images of Pop Culture." This is good. They-they watch movies, uh, TV shows, even commercials.
    Buffy: For credit?
    Willow: [laughs] Isn't college cool?
    Buffy: How did I miss that one?
    Willow: Well, you did sort of wait till the last minute with your course selection.
    Buffy: Sorry, Miss "I chose my major in my group."
    Willow: That's an exaggeration. I just, you know, think it's good to be prepared. Don't want to be caught unawares.
    Buffy: Well, I've been busy. It's been a very slay-heavy summer. Just haven't had a whole lot of time to think about life at UC Sunnydale.
    Willow: It's exciting though, isn't it?
    Buffy: Yeah. It's gonna be an adjustment.
    Willow: Yeah, it's like, 5 miles away. [chuckles] Just uncharted territory.
    Buffy: Giles said I have to be secret identity gal again.
    Willow: That makes sense.
    Buffy: It's gonna be tough, though. With a roommate.
    Willow: Yeah.
    Buffy: I'm psyched about college, definitely. I just need to figure out how it's gonna work with my extracurricular activities. I just can't let it take the edge off my slaying. I gotta stay sharp. [sighs] Is this guy ever gonna wake up?
    Buffy: [about college] It's nice that you're excited.
    Willow: It's just that in High School, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon, you really had to work to learn anything. But here... the energy, the collective intelligence, it's like this force. This penetrating force.. and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know, and letting this place just thrust into and spurt knowledge into... [considers what she's saying] That sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.
    Willow: [spots Oz] Ooh, boyfriend! It's my on campus boyfriend!
    Buffy: Oh no, I forgot to pick mine up, the line's probably really long now too.
    Xander: Buffy, this is all about fear. It's understandable, but you can't let it control you. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger. - No, wait, hold on. - Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side. - Hold on, no. Ahm... First you get the women, then you get the money, then you... - OK, can we forget that?
    Buffy: Thanks for Dadaist pep talk. I feel much more abstract now.
    Xander: The point is, you're Buffy.
    Buffy: Yeah. Maybe in high school I was Buffy.
    Xander: And now in college you're Betty Louise?
    Buffy: Yeah, I'm Betty Louise Plotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois. I might as well be.
    Xander: [...] Let me tell you something. When it's dark and I'm all alone, and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think “What would Buffy do?” You're my hero. OK, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone, I think “What is Buffy wearing?”
    Xander: So, all that other stuff in there, that's just gonna sit in there, right? I mean, no one owns it in the strictest sense.
    Oz: It seems wrong somehow.
    Xander: Dibs on the rowing machine.
    Giles: Buffy!
    Willow: Hi, Giles.
    Xander: What's with the arsenal?
    Giles: I've been awake all night. I know I'm supposed to teach you self-reliance, but I can't leave you out there to fight alone. Uh, to hell with what's right. I-I'm ready to back you up. Let's find the evil and-and-and fight it together.
    Buffy: Great. Thanks. We'll get right on that.
    Giles: The evil is this way?
    Buffy: My room is.
    Willow: Hey, Giles, can you get this box on top?
    Giles: Um...
    Xander: So, college not so scary after all, huh?
    Buffy: It's turning out to be a lot like high school, which I can handle. At least I know what to expect.

### Living Conditions

    Willow: And you thought your days of sneaking out of your room were over.
    Buffy: No such luck. Kathy's nice and all, but she's... she's sort of... I don't know, like 'mini-mom of Momdonia.'
    Buffy: You guys can do the brain thing, I'm gonna go to class.
    Oz: Which could also be construed as the 'brain thing'.
    Buffy: Not when you're minoring in Nap 101.
    Buffy: So then, Kathy's like, "It's share time," and I'm like, "Oh yeah? Share this."
    [She punches the air.]
    Oz: So either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her.
    Buffy: Well, I didn't do either, actually, but she deserves it, don't you think?
    Oz: Nobody deserves mime, Buffy.
    Buffy: Oh, Kathy does. She deserves to be locked in an invisible box and blown away by an imaginary wind and...
    Oz: Forced to wear a binding unitard?
    Buffy: Yeah, the itchy kind. It's perfect.
    Oz: Just here to help.
    Buffy: Which I appreciate, but you've never come on routine patrol with me before, Oz. So, what's the deal?
    Oz: It seemed more interesting than homework.
    Buffy: As long as it's an elective. I can handle myself alone, you know.
    Oz: Not in question.
    Buffy: Good. So then, I go to the refrigerator, right? And ther label queen has managed to put...
    Oz: Just a, just a thought, Buffy, do you think that all this ranting is scaring away potential demons?
    Buffy: You're right. Ooh! She's even affecting my work now. She's the Titanic. She's a crawling black cancer! She's... other really bad things.
    Oz: On the plus side, you killed the bench, which was looking shifty.
    Buffy: This isn't funny, Oz. Something has to be done.
    Oz: Agreed.
    Willow: [on the phone with Rupert Giles] Giles, I just talked to Buffy and, yeah, I think she's feeling a little insane. [pause] No, not-not bitchy crazy, more like, homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her to come see you, okay?
    Willow: How's that?
    Buffy: Mm-mmm. A little to the left. There. Perfect. Oh, I'm so glad you're here, Will. I can already feel all that bad Kathy karma just draining away.
    Willow: About that-- the Kathy thing. I'm sorry I doubted you.
    Buffy: You're completely forgiven. I mean, you had reason to doubt. Except for the soul-sucking thing, I bet Kathy was pretty regular as far as roomies go.
    Willow: That's a pretty big "except."
    Buffy: I guess. I'm just glad that it was Kathy's demony ways making me no-fun Buffy. I've always thought I was pretty easy going, you know? It's not like I have the big issues. I don't burn incense or--
    Willow: You gonna finish this?

### The Harsh Light of Day

    Anya: I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes, in my dreams, you're all naked.
    Xander: Really? You know, if I'm in the checkout lane at the Wal-Mart, I've had that same one.
    Buffy: What's the matter, Spike? Dru dump you again?
    Spike: Maybe I dumped her!
    Harmony: She left him for a fungus demon. That's all he talks about most days.
    Spike: Harm!
    Anya: I like you. You're funny and you're nicely shaped. And, frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now.
    Xander: And the amazing thing? Still more romantic than Faith.
    Oz: [Looking through Giles's albums] Ok, either I'm borrowing all your albums or I'm moving in.
    Giles: Oz, there are more important things than records right now.
    Oz: [Holds up Loaded by The Velvet Underground] More important than this one?
    Giles: Well, I suppose an argument could be made for--
    Xander: Whoa! Giles has a TV! Everybody... Giles has a TV, he's shallow like us!
    Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
    Spike: No.
    Harmony: Can I make him a vampire?
    Spike: No. [Beat] Wait, on second thought, yeah. Go do that. Take your time. Do Melanie and the kids as well.

### Fear, Itself

    Anya: You haven't called. Not once!
    Xander: You said you were over me.
    Anya: And you just accepted that? I only said that because I thought that's what you wanted to hear.
    Xander: Well, that's the funny thing about me. I tend to hear the actual words people say and accept them at face value.
    Anya: That's stupid.
    Xander: I accept that.
    Willow: [about her costume] I'm Joan of Arc. I figured we had a lot in common, seeing as how I was almost burned at the stake, plus she has that close relationship with God.
    Xander: [to Oz] And you are?
    [Oz opens his jacket and reveals a name tag that says "God."]
    Xander: Of course. I wish I'd thought of that before I put down my deposit. I could've been God.
    Oz: Blasphemer.
    [Buffy, Xander, Willow and Oz met some strange men in masks with guns and walks past them]
    Buffy: Nice costumes. Very Stealthy.
    Willow: Who are they supposed to be?
    Oz: Nato?
    Xander: Oh, I uh invited Anya over to join us, but; she is having some trouble finding a scary costume and she'll probably meet us there.
    Buffy: Perfect! Everyone's got a date except a third wheel Buffy.
    Willow: You're not a third wheel
    Xander: Technically speaking, you're a fifth wheel.
    Willow: We're gonna have the best time.
    Giles: [reading from the book] "The summoning spell for Gachnar can be shut down in one of two ways. Destroying the Mark of Gachnar..."
    [Buffy promptly stamps into the floor, destroying the Mark on the floor and tearing up the boards; she looks very self-satisfied]
    Giles: [greatly irritated] "...is not one of them, and will, in fact, immediately bring forth the fear demon itself!"
    [The demon Gachnar slowly emerges from the pentacle in the floor... and is revealed to be just six inches tall.]
    Buffy: This is Gachnar?
    Xander: [looks down mockingly at Gachnar] Big overture... little show.
    Gachnar: [in a squeaky voice] I am the Dark Lord of Nightmares. The Bringer of Terror! Tremble before me. Fear me!
    Willow: He... he's so cute.
    Gachnar: Tremble.
    [Xander pokes a finger at the tiny demon, speaking to it as if to a puppy.]
    Xander: Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon?
    Gachnar: I bring the terror.
    Giles: Don't taunt the fear demon.
    Xander: Why? Can he hurt me?
    Giles: No, it's just... tacky. Be that as it may, Buffy, when it comes to slaying...
    Gachnar: I bring the fear.
    Buffy: Size doesn't matter?
    Gachnar: They're all going to abandon you, you know.
    Buffy: Yeah, yeah. [squishes him]
    [After defeating Gachnar, Giles looks back at the small image of him in the book]
    Oz: Some quality treats here, Giles.
    Giles: Please finish them.
    Buffy: This is much better. There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate.
    Willow: I think I'm gonna barf.
    Buffy: Except that.
    Anya: What?
    Xander: That's your scary costume?
    Anya: Bunnies frighten me.
    Giles: Oh, bloody hell. The inscription.
    Buffy: What's the matter?
    Giles: I should've translated the Gaelic inscription under the illustration of Gachnar.
    Buffy: What's it say?
    Giles: "Actual size."

### Beer Bad

    Willow: Aren't you too young to be a bartender?
    Xander: Au contraire, mon frere.
    Buffy: Mon frere means brother.
    Xander: Mon girl-frere. Behold! [holds up a fake ID]
    Willow: I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up.
    Xander: What gives it away?
    Willow: Looking at it.
    Willow: Buffy that is my best friend you need to think about not Parker. He's no good. There are men, better men, wherein the mind is stronger than the penis.
    Xander: Nothing can defeat the penis! [looks around] Too loud, very unseemly.
    Oz: Hey, you got a table.
    Willow: I had to kill a man.
    Oz: Well it's a really good table.
    Giles: I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.
    Xander: I didn't know it was evil.
    Giles: You knew it was beer!
    Xander: Well, excuse me, Mr. I-spent-the-sixties-in-an-electric-Kool-Aid-funky-Satan-groove!
    Giles: It was the early seventies, and you should know better.
    Xander: And was there a lesson in all this? huh? What did we learn about beer?
    Buffy: Foamy.
    Xander: Good, just as long as that's clear. Anyways I think the boys in the car are contained for the time being. This'll give them some time to ponder the geo-political ramifications of being mean to me!

### Wild at Heart

    Willow: The Bronze is more fun this year, isn't it?
    Buffy: 'Cause of the gloating factor alone, you know? We're all about college, now. We've got heady discourse.
    Oz: Yeah, curfew-free nights of mom and pop-less hootenanny.
    Xander: Co-ed dating prospects who find townies sexy and dangerous. What? I can dream.
    Buffy: Right. So if college is so great, what are we doing here and why is it more fun?
    Willow: Because the Bronze is nice and familiar. It's like a big comfy blankie.
    Oz: Will, I was under the impression that I was your big comfy blankie.
    Willow: Aw, you're my person blankie. This is my place blankie.
    Willow: How come you didn't tell me I look like a crazy birthday cake in this shirt?
    Buffy: I thought that was the point.
    Oz: You don't wanna find out what I am.
    Veruca: You're an animal... Animals kill.
    Oz: You're right. We kill.
    Willow: Oz, don't you love me?
    Oz: My whole life, I've never loved anything else.
    Oz: Veruca was right about something. The wolf is inside me all the time, and I don't know where that line is anymore between me and it. And until I figure out what that means, I shouldn't be around you... Or anybody.
    Willow: Well, that could be a problem 'cause people... Kind of a planetary epidemic.

### The Initiative

    Buffy: You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some.
    Professor Walsh: It's not my job to coddle my students.
    Buffy: You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job. [exits]
    Professor Walsh: I like her.
    Willow: OK, say that I help and you start a conversation. It goes great. You like Buffy, she likes you. You spend time together, feelings grow deeper and one day, without even realizing it, you find you're in love. Time stops and it feels like the whole world's made for you two and you two alone, until the day one of you leaves and rips the still-beating heart from the other, who's now a broken, hollow mockery of the human condition.
    Riley: [taken aback] Yep, that's the plan.
    Willow: I figured it was.
    [Spike, having tricked Willow into inviting him into her dorm room, prepares to attack her.]
    Spike: I'll give you a choice. Now I'm going to kill you - no choice in that. But I can let you stay dead... or bring you back, to be like me.
    Willow [frightened]: I'll scream!
    Spike: Bonus. [moves toward Willow's neck]
    [A short time later, Spike sits on Willow's bed, confused and disconsolate. Willow still cowers from him.]
    Spike: I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me b-before.
    Willow: Maybe you were nervous.
    Spike: I felt all right when I started. Let's try again. [he leaps on her and draws back in pain] Ow! Oh! {he tries again] Ow! Damn it!
    Willow: Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?
    Spike: Not to me it doesn't.
    Willow: It's me, isn't it?
    Spike: What are you talking about?
    Willow: Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. You didn't wanna bite me. I just happened to be around.
    Spike: Piffle.
    Willow: I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, "Oooh, you're like a sister to me," or, "Oh, you're such a good friend."
    Spike: Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
    Willow: Really?
    Spike: Thought about it.
    Willow: When?
    Spike: Remember last year, you had on that, uh, fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath?
    Willow: I never would've guessed. You played the blood-lust kinda cool.
    Spike: Mmm. I hate being obvious. All fangy and "rrr!" Takes the mystery out.
    Willow: But if you could...
    Spike: If I could, yeah.
    [beat]
    Willow: You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.
    Spike: Don't patronize me. [desperate and embarrassed]: I'm only 126!
    Willow: You're being too hard on yourself. Why don't we wait a half an hour and try again? [pauses, realizes what she's saying] Or...
    [Willow grabs a lamp, smashes it over Spike's head and tries to flee the room.]
    Xander: Well, how about this: we whip out the Ouija board, light a few candles, summon some ancient unstoppable evil? Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem; we show up and and kick its ass.
    Giles [pauses to contemplate]: A wee bit unethical.
    Riley: Hey.
    Buffy: Hi.
    Riley: Listen, sorry about last night.
    Buffy: No, no, I was rude. I just felt like being alone. Sometimes it's nice to be out by yourself at night.
    Riley: I hear that. Got to be careful, though. A lot of strange... people out there.
    Buffy: Oh, yeah.
    Riley: How's Willow doing?
    Buffy: Okay. Course, that stupid fraternity prank on our dorm didn't help any.
    Riley: That's right. I forgot you guys live in Stevenson.
    Buffy: You knew that?
    Riley: Well, Willow and I were... I thought she might be able to help me on a project.
    Buffy: Really? That work out for you?
    Riley: Don't know yet.
    Buffy: Uh, last night... at the party, you wanted to tell me something?
    Riley: Oh, yeah. Very important stuff. I don't remember any of it now. But, you would've been fascinated. Possibly even moved. Did Willow tell you I like cheese?
    Buffy: You're a little peculiar.
    Riley: I can live with that.

### Pangs

    Willow: Thanksgiving isn't a-about blending of two cultures. It's about one culture wiping out another! A-and then they make animated specials about the part where... w-with the maize and th-the big, big belt buckles. They don't show you the next scene, where... where all the bison die, a-and Squanto takes a musketball in the stomach!
    Buffy: Okay, now, for some of that, you were channeling your mother?
    Buffy: With Mom at Aunt Darlene's this year, I'm not getting a Thanksgiving. Maybe it's just as well.
    Anya: Well, I think that's a shame. I love a ritual sacrifice.
    Buffy: It's not really a one of those.
    Anya: To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice... with pie.
    Anya: I inflicted a lot of putrefying diseases on men when I was an avenging demon, you look like you're getting all of them.
    Xander: Okay, I'll stay. But you should go, you could catch it.
    Anya: We'll die together. It's romantic... Help me get your trousers off.
    Xander: You're a strange girlfriend.
    Anya: I'm a girlfriend?
    Xander: Oh, there's a chance I'm delirious.
    Anya: Ah, yes. Well, whatever it is that's making you sick, so far I like it.
    Spike: Oh, someone put a stake in me!
    Xander: You gotta lot of volunteers in here.
    Spike: I just can't take all this namby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians.
    Willow: Uh, the preferred term is-
    Spike: You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. That's what Caesar did, and he's not going around saying, "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it." The history of the world is not people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story.
    Buffy: Well, I think the Spaniards actually did a lot of-- Not that I don't like Spaniards.
    Spike: Listen to you. How you gonna fight anyone with that attitude?
    Willow: We don't wanna fight anyone.
    Buffy: I just wanna have Thanksgiving.
    Spike: Heh. Yeah...Good luck.
    Willow: If we could talk to him--
    Spike: You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It's kill or be killed here. Take your bloody pick.
    Xander: Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but... some of that made sense.
    Giles: I made a lot of these points earlier, but fine, no one listens to me.
    Buffy: I'll never get used to this. One day, she's at the friendship ceremony. The next day, she's on the news.
    Willow:The coroner's office said she was missing an ear. So I'm thinking, maybe we're looking for a witch. There's some great spells that work much better with an ear in the mix.
    Buffy: That's one fun little hobby you've got there, Will.
    Willow: Or... or maybe an ear-harvesting demon that--it's, like, building another demon completely out of ears. Or... ooh! Thought. We're just assuming someone else cut off the ear. What if it was self-inflicted, like Van Gogh?
    Buffy: So... she brutally stabs herself, dumped the body, then cut off her own ear?
    Willow: No. She cut off her ear, then killed herself, then dumped the body--I'm really off my game, aren't I?

### Something Blue

    Buffy: It's just... different, you know? A picnic. First of all, daylight. That's kind of a new venue, Buffy-wise. And the best part, he said that he would bring all the food, so all I have to do is show up and eat. Those are two things I'm really good at.
    Willow: So, he's nice?
    Buffy: Very, very.
    Willow: And there's sparkage?
    Buffy: Yeah. He's... Have you seen his arms? Those are... good arms to have. I really like him. I do.
    Willow: But?
    Buffy: I don't know. I really like being around him, you know? And I think he cares about me. But... I just... feel like something's missing.
    Willow: He's not making you miserable?
    Buffy: Exactly. Riley seems so solid, like... he wouldn't cause me heartache.
    Willow: Get out. Get out while there's still time.
    Buffy: I know. I have to get away from that "bad boy" thing. There's no good there. Seeing Angel in L.A., even for five minutes, hello to the pain.
    Willow: The pain is not a friend.
    Buffy: But I can't help thinking, isn't that where the fire comes from? Can a nice, safe relationship be that intense? I know it's nuts, but part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting. (Stakes a vampire) I wonder where I get that from.
    Giles: Look, Spike - we have no intention of killing a harmless... uh, creature... we have to know what's been done to you. We can't let you go until we're sure that you're... impotent...
    Spike: Hey!
    Giles: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we're sure you're, you're...
    Buffy: Flaccid?
    Spike: You are one step away, missy -
    Buffy: [sarcastically] Giles, help! He's going to scold me.
    Buffy: Oh, look at my poor neck... all bare and tender and exposed. All that blood, just pumping away.
    Giles: Oh, please.
    Spike: Giles, make her stop.
    Giles: [walks away] If those two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand.
    Spike: Passions is on! Timmy's down a bloody well, and if you make me miss it I'll -
    Giles: Do what? Lick me to death?
    Buffy: Spike and I are getting married!
    Xander: How? What? How?
    Giles: Three excellent questions.
    Spike: [to Buffy] What are you looking at?
    Buffy: The man I love.
    [She and Spike kiss, long and salaciously. Xander and Anya avert their eyes.]
    Xander: Can I be blind too?
    Spike: Don't I get a cookie?
    Buffy: No.
    Spike: Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth.
    Buffy: You're a pig, Spike.
    Spike: Yeah, well, I'm not the one who wanted Wind Beneath My Wings for the first dance.
    [Xander, Anya and Giles turn and stare incredulously at Buffy.]
    Buffy: [embarrassed] ... That was the spell!

### Hush

    Willow: Man, that was an exciting class, huh?
    Buffy: Oh, yeah — wow.
    Willow: And the last twenty minutes — it was a revelation. Just laid out everything we need to know for the final. I'd hate to have missed that.
    Buffy: Just tell me I didn't snore.
    Willow: Very discreet. Minimal drool.
    [At Giles's apartment, Xander and Anya are arguing about their relationship.]
    Xander: If you don't know how I feel about -
    Anya: I don't. This isn't a relationship! You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.
    [The others are silent with disbelief.]
    Xander: OK... remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
    Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.
    Giles: Please don't.
    [Xander ties Spike to a chair before getting into bed.]
    Spike: Don't see why I have to be tied up.
    Xander: It's just while I'm sleeping.
    Spike: Like I'd bite you, anyway.
    Xander: Oh, you would.
    Spike: Not bloody likely.
    Xander: I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist and delicious.
    Spike: Alright, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat.
    Xander: And don't you forget it.
    [Discussing Willow's wicca group]
    Buffy: So not stellar, huh?
    Willow: Talk. All talk. Blah blah Gaia, blah blah moon, menstrual life-force power thingy. You know after a couple of sessions I was hoping we would get into something real but...
    Buffy: No actual witches in your witch group.
    Willow: No, bunch of wanna-blessed-bes. Nowadays every girl with a henna tattoo and a spice rack thinks she's a sister to the dark ones.
    Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
    Spike: Yeah, well sometimes I like to crumble up the Weetabix in the blood. Gives it a little texture.
    Giles: Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself.
    Spike: Sissy.

### Doomed

    Xander: I have to get to work.
    Spike: Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread. Doing your part to keep America constipated.
    [The gang discusses a mysterious symbol.]
    Willow: It just made me feel like I was right back in high school.
    Xander: Dumb jock. If it wasn't for you, he still would be.
    Willow: Yeah. I mean, I know the Percy thing isn't really important. It's the dead guy on the bed.
    Xander: Yeah. That's bad, too.
    Willow: Ooh, and something else: he, the dead guy, was-was propped up, like whatever killed him wanted to drain the blood out of him. So I'm thinking the whatever took a bunch of the guy's blood with him. And I haven't been a nerd for a very long time. Hello, dating a guitarist. Or, I was.
    Buffy: Tell them about the symbol.
    Willow: Right. Um, it was carved into his chest, like a big, creepy eye.
    Xander: It's kind of like the CBS logo. Hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr. Morley Safer?
    Buffy: I'm telling you, I've seen this somewhere before. I just can't remember where. I mean, it's like...
    Giles: It's the end of the world.
    Buffy, Willow, Xander: Again?
    Giles: It's, um, the earthquake... That symbol is, um...
    Buffy: I told you. I said end of the world. And you're like, "Pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh".
    Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
    Willow: No, i-it can't be. We-we've done this already.
    Giles: It's the end of the world. Everyone dies. It's rather important, really.
    Willow: So what do we do?
    Buffy: I stop it.
    Xander: Besides, look on the bright side. If we don't come up with a solution, we might face an apocalypse.
    Spike: [extremely happy] Really? You're not just saying that?
    Spike: [To Xander] Kids your age are heading off to University. You've made it as far as the basement. And Red here couldn't even keep Dog Boy happy. You can take the loser out of high school, but...
    Willow: I see what you're doing. You're trying to get us to dust you.
    Spike: I'm not. I just don't want pity from geeks more useless than I am.
    Spike: What's this? Sitting around and watching the telly while there's evil still afoot. It's not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass. What? Can't go without your Buffy, is that it? Too chicken? Let's find her. She is the Chosen One, after all. Come on! Vampires! Grr! Nasty! Let's annihilate them. For justice, and for the safety of puppies, and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!

### A New Man

    Maggie Walsh: So, the Slayer!
    Buffy: Yeah. That's me.
    Maggie Walsh: We thought you were a myth.
    Buffy: Well, you were myth-taken
    Maggie Walsh: It's only our methods that differ; we use the latest in scientific technology and state of the art weaponry and you, if I understand correctly, poke them with a sharp stick.
    Buffy: Er, its more effective then it sounds-
    Maggie Walsh: Oh, I'm - quite sure of that. As I'm just as sure that we can learn much from each other. I'm working on getting you clearance into the Initiative, I think you'll find the results of our operation most impressive. Agent Finn here alone has killed and captured... How many is it?
    Riley: Seventeen: eleven vampires, six demons.
    Buffy: Oh... wow. I mean, that's... seventeen.
    Maggie Walsh: What about you?
    Buffy: Me?
    Maggie Walsh: How many Hostiles would you say you've slain?
    [Buffy uncomfortably searches for the right words]
    Riley: But you killed the- You did that thing with that- Uh, you drowned. And the snake! Not to mention... daily... slayage of... Wow.
    Buffy: It's no big, really. Hey, who wants ice cream?
    Riley: Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. Turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of "apocalypse".
    Buffy: [Light-heartedly] Look, if you were fighting since you were fifteen, you'd have a hefty resume too!
    Riley: Fifteen?!
    [Spike is in the process of moving out of Xander's basement.]
    Xander: You own nothing. This shouldn't be taking so long.
    Spike: Hang on. Let a fella get organized. [picks up radio.]
    Xander: That's my radio!
    Spike: And you're what? Shocked and disappointed? I'm evil!
    Giles: Spike. Wonderful. A perfect end to a perfect day.
    Spike: Giles?
    Giles: Go on, then. Let's get on with the fighting -- You understand me?
    Spike: Of course I understand you.
    Giles: I'm speaking English?
    Spike: No, you're speaking Fyarl. I happen to speak Fyarl. And... by the way, why the hell are you suddenly a Fyarl demon? You just come over all demony this morning?

### The I in Team

    Willow: Guess she's out with Riley. You know how it is with a spanking new boyfriend.
    Anya: [offhandedly while stacking her chips] Yes, we've enjoyed spanking.
    [Xander loses control of the deck he was shuffling.]
    Maggie Walsh: It took the patrol team 42 minutes to track you and you neutralized them in 28 seconds.
    Buffy: I was just lucky.
    Maggie Walsh: I see. Well...still. Very impressive.
    Buffy: I was just being modest with the whole 'lucky' thing. You got that, right?
    Riley: Regret to report Hostile 17 still at large. I've left Beta Team to comb the area but the tracer's--
    Maggie Walsh: [interrupting, with faked sorrow] Riley, something's happened. I-I don't know what to say. It-It's about Buffy.
    Riley: Buffy?
    Maggie Walsh: Two of our hostiles broke free and escaped into the tunnels. She went after them on her own. She's dead, Riley.
    Riley: [utterly shocked] What?
    Maggie Walsh: I did everything I could to stop her. I told her to wait for a back-up team. She kept insisting she didn't need any team, she could handle it by herself. I-I'm so, so sorry.
    Riley: [now into shellshock] I don't understand.
    Maggie Walsh: I know what she meant to you.
    Riley: How could this happen?
    Maggie Walsh: She was a very, very special girl. I didn't understand at first, (sighs) but she had something. I don't know, maybe, maybe I could've... stopped her. [Behind Walsh, the com-cam image on the monitors starts to move. Buffy appears in its picture] It's hard not to blame myself.
    [Not realizing that Riley is suddenly seeing Buffy on the monitors]
    Buffy: [speaking through the monitor] Professor Walsh? That simple little recon you sent me on... wasn't a raccoon. [Walsh slowly faces the monitors] Turns out it was me trapped in the sewers with a faulty weapon and two of your pet demons. If you think that's enough to kill me, you really don't know what a Slayer is. Trust me when I say you're gonna find out.
    Maggie Walsh: Riley. Agent Finn, I order you to stop! Agent Finn! Riley!
    Giles: It'll be dark soon. I think it would be wise for you to leave Sunnydale.
    Spike: I'm not going anywhere, not until those bastards undo whatever they did to me. Put me back the way I was.
    Xander: Sure, just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people.
    Spike: You think that would work?
    Giles: Spike, Lord know why I'm telling you this. It's for your own good. As long as the Initiative is in operation, it's not safe for you here.
    Buffy: No. It's not safe for any of us.
    Maggie Walsh: So, all right. Fine. If she wants a fight we'll give her one, won't we, Adam? I've worked too long, too long, to let some little bitch threaten this project, threaten me. She has no idea who she's dealing with. Once she's gone, Riley will come around. He'll understand. It was for the greater good. He'll see that. And if he doesn't... well, first things first. Remove the complication. And when she least expects it-- [screams, as Adam stabs her from behind] Adam?
    Adam: Mommy.

### Goodbye Iowa

    Xander: Seems pretty quiet.
    Buffy It usually is this time of--
    Xander: Buff, maybe you should check the look later.
    Buffy: Shh!
    Xander: Ow! What'd you do that for?
    Buffy: Sorry, I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan.
    Xander: The-- Ew! I don't wanna see that.
    Buffy: Retinal scan, Xander. Well, we'll know in a few seconds if my clearance is still good.
    Xander: Or if we're about to die at the hands of 50 grief-fueled military goons. Why am I not entirely comforted by the arrival of the man-size microwave?
    Xander: Holy moley!
    Buffy: I know.
    Xander: I totally get it now. Can I have sex with Riley, too? Quick, pretend to make out with me!
    Buffy: What? What are you talking about?!
    Xander: Well, I, uh... You know, in the movies, the guy and the girl have to hide.
    Buffy: Please. Could you possibly draw more attention to us? This is the Initiative, Xander. Military guys and scientists do not make out with each other.
    Xander: Well, maybe that's what's wrong with the world. Ever think about that?
    [Buffy, Willow, and Anya are watching Road Runner in bed in Xander's Basement]
    Buffy: That would never happen.
    Willow: Well no, Buff, that's why they're called cartoons, not documentaries.
    Giles: Must we have the noise? My head is splitting.
    Willow: Well, look who's cranky bear in the morning.
    Giles: Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball.
    Anya: Everytime you moved, it make squeaky noises. It was irritating.
    Giles: Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring.
    Buffy: Okay, you guys. Could we not, please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parent's marriage.
    Anya: Sorry.
    Giles: Sorry.
    Buffy: Thank you.
    Willow: It'll be okay, Buffy. Riley's just confused, that's all.
    Buffy: I don't know. Just seems like things could get heavier. His whole world's falling apart.
    Anya: And after everything you've been through with Angel. You know, you really sould get yourself a boring boyfriend, like Xander. You can't have Xander.
    Buffy: That was the idea. Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were gonna do dumb things like hold hands through the daisies, going "Tra-la-la."
    Willow: Poor Buffy, your life resists all thing average.
    Anya: So dump him. But you can't have Xander.
    Buffy: I'll try and remember that. It's too late, anyway. I'm already at the "I hurt when he hurts, I smiles when he smiles" stage.
    Anya: I hate that part.
    Buffy: I'll just have to make it work.
    Xander: Turn on the TV. Now!
    TV Announcer: Sunnydale is still reeling from news of the crime. A source in the coroner's office tells us that the boy was stabbed with what looks like some kind of large skewer, and his body was then mutilated. Police have not named a suspect, and the killer is still at large.
    Buffy: The Polgara demon had a skewer in its arm. That's the one that Maggie insisted we bring back alive.
    Giles: She must have sent it after you.
    Buffy: And it got distracted. God!
    Willow: Buffy, it's not your fault. How could you know?
    Giles: She's right. You mustn't blame yourself.
    Buffy: I'm not going to. I'm going to the crime scene to see what I can find out. You guys research the Polgara demon. I want to know where it is. When I find it, I'm going to make it pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine. [uncomfortable pause] That probably would have sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.
    Willow: No word from Riley?
    Buffy: Nothing. The Initiative probably has him locked in some medical ward. There's no way I can get near him until I come up with a better plan than just storming in and getting us all shot.
    Willow: Yeah, you might want to work the kinks out of that one.
    Buffy: What am I gonna do? He needs me and I can't get near him.
    Willow: You'll find a way.
    Buffy: It's not like I can spend all my energy going after the Initiative. Not while Adam's not there.
    Willow: He's really that big of a threat?
    Buffy: [about Adam] I could barely fight him. It was like Maggie designed him to be the ultimate warrior. He's smart and fast. He gave the commando guys the slip with no problem.
    Willow: There's gotta be a flaw.
    Buffy: I think the part where he's pure evil and kills randomly was an oversight. I never should have let them take Riley. I need to be with him.
    Willow: I'm sure he's okay.
    Buffy: There's no way he can be. Everything he's ever believed in has been taken away or... He's alone. He has nothing to hold on to.

### This Year's Girl

    Xander: Spike.
    Giles: What are you doing here?
    Spike: Me? Hey, I'm not the one out of place here.
    Xander: For your information, smarty, we've got a rogue slayer on our hands. Real psycho killer, too.
    Spike: Sounds serious.
    Giles: It is. What do you know?
    Spike: What do you need?
    Xander: Her, dark hair, yea tall, name of Faith, criminally insane.
    Giles: Have you seen her?
    Spike: Is this bird after you?
    Xander: In a bad way. Yeah.
    Spike: Tell you what I'll do then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch as she kills you. [sees the surprised looks on Giles and Xanders faces and sighs] Can any one of your damn little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening would be dull.
    Xander: Go ahead! You wouldn't even recognize her.
    Spike: Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith, criminally insane. I like this girl already.
    Xander: [to Giles] We're dumb.
    Willow: What did you tell him?
    Buffy: The truth, that she's my wacky identical cousin from England and whenever she visits, hijinks ensue.
    Willow: It's good you guys have such an honest relationship.
    Buffy: No, I told him the story. I vagued-up a few bits but no flat-out lies.
    Willow: That's fair. How'd you handle the Angel-y parts?
    Buffy: I did some editing. It's not that I'm trying to hide anything from Riley. It's... just that that's a longer conversation, and, I had a Faith hunt to do.
    Willow: Any luck?
    Buffy: Couldn't find her. Don't know exactly where to place that in the luck continuum.
    Willow: At least you're not alone on this. I'll bet every cop in Sunnydale is out there looking for her right now.
    Buffy: Pressure's definitely high. I'll tell you, if I were her, I'd get out of Dodge post-hasty.
    Faith: You're not me.
    Faith: So, check you out, B. Nice. The "big girl on campus" thing's really working for you.
    Buffy: I've been looking for you.
    Faith: I've been standing still for eight months, B. How hard you look?
    Buffy: Are you all right?
    Faith: Five by five. That's the thing about a coma-- you wake up all rested and rejuvenated, and ready for payback.
    Buffy: So much for pleasantries, huh?
    Faith: What'd you think, I'd wake up and we'd go for tea? You tried to gut me, Blondie.
    Buffy: You'd have done the same to me if you'd had the chance.
    Faith: So let's have another go at it, see who lands on top.
    Buffy: It doesn't have to be like this, you know.
    Faith: Actually, I think it has to be exactly like this.
    Buffy: Faith, these are innocent people.
    Faith: No such animal.
    Buffy: I guess it was too much to hope that you'd use your downtime to reflect and grow.
    Faith: Could say the same about you. I mean, you're still the same old "better than thou" Buffy. I mean, I knew it somehow. I kept having this dream. I'm not sure what it means, but in the dream, this self-righteous blonde chick stabs me. And you want to know why?
    Buffy: You had it coming.
    Faith: That's one interpretation. But in my dream, she does it for a guy. [Willow starts to sneak up behind Faith and is about to hit her with her backpack] Try it, Red, and you lose an arm. [Willow backs off] I wake up to find that this blonde chick isn't even dating the guy she was so nuts about before. I mean, she's moved on to the first college beefstick she meets. And not only has she forgotten about the love of her life, she's forgotten all about the chick she nearly killed for him. So that's my dream. That and some stuff about cigars and a tunnel. But, uh, tell me, college girl, what does it mean?
    Buffy: To me? Mostly, that you still mouth off about things you don't understand. [Police sirens are heard] Uh-oh, I guess somebody knows you're here. [Faith hits Buffy]
    Officer: Break it up!
    Faith: You took my life, B. Payback's a bitch.
    Willow: Look who's talking.
    Faith: See you around.
    Faith: Hi, Joyce. Mind if I come in?
    Faith: Ruby Sunset. Burgundy Skyline? Harlot. Mmm. Way to go, Joyce. Now, normally, I wouldn't be going with a color this dark, but I read in some magazine eight months in a coma will damage a girl's natural skin tone. Good thing pale is in this year. Or was it last year? Mwah. Anyway, for real now, I'm gonna ask you something, and you got to promise you'll be honest and not spare my feelings just 'cause I could kill you. You promise?
    Joyce: I promise.
    Faith: Okay. How do I look?
    Joyce: Psychotic.
    Faith: Hmm. I was shooting for sultry, but, hey... Bet I know what you're thinking.
    Joyce: Really?
    Faith: You're thinking, "You're never get away with this." Warm?
    Joyce: Actually, I was thinking my daughter is going to kill you soon.
    Faith: That a fact?
    Joyce: More like a bet.
    Faith: Whoa. You got a pair on you, Joyce. I like seeing that in a woman your age. Guess you can afford to talk that way. I mean, in the world according to Joyce, Buffy is gonna come crashing through that door any minute. But, look what I found. Buffy Summers. Buffy Summers, Buffy Summers, Buffy, Buffy. A lot of letters. She, uh, hasn't been by in a while, huh? And you think, with a crazy chick like me on the loose, crazy chick with a wicked grudge against her, no less, she'd call and give you a heads-up. But Buffy's too into her own deal to remember dear old mom.
    Joyce: You don't know the first thing about Buffy. Or me.
    Faith: Don't I? I know what it's like. You think you matter. You think you're a part of something, and you get dumped. It's like the whole world is moving but you're stuck. Like those animals in the tar pits. It's like you just keep sinking a little deeper everyday and nobody even sees.
    Joyce: [sounding bored] Were you planning to slit my throat anytime soon?
    Faith: Don't tell me you don't see it, Joyce. You served your purpose. You squirted out the kid, raised her up, and now you might as well be dead. I mean, nobody cares, nobody remembers, especially not Buffy, fabulous superhero. Sooner or later you're gonna have to face it, she was over us a long time ago, Joyce. [voice rising to a shout] Too busy climbing onto her new boy toy to give a single thought to the people that matter! I mean, you're her mother, and she just leaves you here to die!
    Buffy: [Dives in through the window, punches Faith] Hi, Mom.
    Joyce: Hi, honey.

### Who Are You?

    Joyce: Faith, why do you think she's like that?
    Faith: [in Buffy's body] You know, she's a nut job.
    Joyce: I just don't understand what could drive a person to that kind of behavior.
    Faith: [in Buffy's body] Well, how do you know she got drove? I mean, maybe she likes being that way.
    Joyce: I'll never believe that. I think she's horribly unhappy.
    Faith [in Buffy's body, about Faith]: Well, could be things are looking up. I mean, a little stint in the pokey, show her the error of her ways. I'm sure there's some big ol' Bertha just waiting to shower her ripe little self with affection.
    Joyce: Buffy!
    Faith: [in Buffy's body] I'm sorry, Mom. It's just... when I think about how she might have hurt you, I just... I can't stand it.
    Joyce: Oh. Sorry.
    Faith: [in Buffy's body] No, I'm just... sore from the fight.
    Joyce: I've missed you.
    Faith: [in Buffy's body] 'Cause I haven't visited, right? I knew it.
    Joyce: I know how it is. You've got so much in your life now.
    Faith: [in Buffy's body] I'm a busy little beaver. College and all.
    Joyce: Of course. But, um, maybe we could spend some time together soon? Some night when I'm not being held hostage by a raving psychotic.
    Faith: [in Buffy's body] Count on it. I'm gonna take a bath.
    Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
    Faith: [in Buffy's body] 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
    Spike: Well, yeah. That covers a lot of it.
    Faith: [in Buffy's body] 'Cause I could do anything I want and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness. I mean, I could be rich, I could be famous. I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you pop like warm champagne and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? [mockingly] Because it's wrong.
    Spike: I get this chip out, you and me are going to have a confrontation.
    [Buffy tries to convince Giles she truly is Buffy, despite being trapped in Faith's body.]
    Buffy: [in Faith's body] Giles!
    Giles: God!
    Buffy: [in Faith's body] Don't move. Okay, Giles, you have to listen to me very carefully. I'm not Faith.
    Giles: Really?
    Buffy: [in Faith's body] Really.
    Giles: 'Cause the resemblance is striking.
    Buffy: [in Faith's body] I know, Giles. You just have to... Stop inching. You were inching.
    Giles: Look, I-I know what you're gonna say, and-and, uh...
    Buffy: [in Faith's body] I'm Buffy.
    Giles: All right, I didn't know what you were going to say, but that doesn't make you any less crazy.
    Buffy: [in Faith's body] Faith switched. I mean, she had some device. She switched our bodies. Giles, I swear... it's me.
    Giles: Um, if-if you are Buffy, then, uh... then you'll let me tie you up without killing me, um, until we find out whether you're telling the truth.
    Buffy: [in Faith's body] Giles, Faith has taken my body, and for all I know, she's taken it to Mexico by now. I don't have time for bondage fun. Ask me a question. Ask me anything.
    Giles: Who's president?
    Buffy: [in Faith's body] We're checking for Buffy, not a concussion.
    Giles: Oh, yes, right. Um...
    Buffy: [in Faith's body] Oh, this is... Giles, you turned into a demon, and I knew it was you. I mean, can't you just look into my eyes and be all intuitive?
    Giles: How did I turn into a demon?
    Buffy [in Faith's body]: Oh, 'cause, uh, Ethan Rayne. And-and you have a girlfriend named Olivia, and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school, which is valid lifestyle-wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker-type, but... Oh, oh! When I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. What...? Do you want me to continue?
    Giles: Actually, I beg you to stop.
    Buffy [in Faith's body]: What's a stevedore?
    Giles: All right, let's... um, I need you to explain everything.
    Buffy: [in Faith's body] And I will after we get Faith.
    [Faith, in Buffy's body, enters the church where three vampires are holding the parishioners hostage.]
    Boone: I told the cops, they send anyone in, I start the whole massacre thing.
    Faith: [in Buffy's body] Well, I'm not the cops. I just came to pray.
    Boone: Now's a good time to start.
    Faith: [in Buffy's body] You're not going to kill these people.
    Boone: Why not?
    Faith: [in Buffy's body] [earnestly this time] Because it's wrong.
    Boone: You're the Slayer.
    Faith: [in Buffy's body] The one and only.
    Buffy: She's gone. Not a trace. Giles said the Council guys have cleared out, too.
    Riley: I don't understand. How could she have... I mean, how's it possible?
    Buffy: Magic.
    Riley: I knew there was something. I should've picked up on it. I mean, I should have just...
    Buffy: You slept with her.
    Riley: I slept with you. Man, would I like to get my hands on her. Not in a sex way.
    Buffy: I don't think she's coming back.
    Riley: Guess she's had her fun.
    Buffy: Yeah. Fun.

### Superstar

    Buffy: But someone could wish the whole world to be different, right? That's... possible?
    Anya: Sure. Alternate realities. You could, uh, could have, like, a world without shrimp, or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make, like, a freaky world where Jonathan's like some kind of not-perfect mouth-breather, if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there.
    Buffy: I'm not entirely sure that we can trust our memories. Anya, tell them about the alternate universes.
    Anya: Oh, okay. Say you really like shrimp a lot or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. "Blah, I wish there weren't any shrimp" you'd say to yourself-
    Buffy: Stop! You're saying it wrong. I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world and we're all, like, his pawns.
    Anya: Or prawns.
    Buffy: Stop with the shrimp! I'm trying to do something here.
    Buffy: Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?
    Giles: No... Yes... it was a gift.
    Spike: I wasn't exactly pining for a noisy visit from Wonder Jonathan and his fluffy battle kitten.
    [At Giles' place. Riley pages through a spellbook.]
    Riley: These spells, they really work? I mean, can you really turn your enemies inside out? Or... learn to excrete gold coins.
    Anya: That one's not so much fun.
    Willow: They work, Riley, but they take concentration. Being attuned with the forces of the universe.
    Xander: Right, you can't just go librum incendere and expect --
    [The book catches on fire; Xander closes it rapidly.]
    Giles: Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.

### Where the Wild Things Are

    [When Buffy and Riley are attacked by a vampire-demon tag-team.]
    Buffy: Okay, you get Fangs, I'll get Horny. I mean...
    Xander: Buffy and Riley are trapped.
    Anya: So? She's a Slayer, he's a big soldier boy. What do they need you for?
    Xander: Anya, look around: there's ghosts and shaking and people are going all Felicity with their hair. We're fresh out of super-people and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now, who's with me?
    Spike: I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics, and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once, and I don't fancy a single one of you at all, but... Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. [walks off.] I wonder if Asian House is open.
    [Giles is singing and playing "Behind Blue Eyes" by The Who at an espresso bar. Anya, Willow, Xander and Tara watch from the door, amazed. All three girls are riveted; Willow's and Anya's mouths are hanging open.]
    Anya: Oh.
    Willow: Wow.
    Xander: Um, could we go back to the haunted house? Cause, this is creeping me out.
    Tara: Does he do this a lot?
    Xander: [sarcastic.] Sure. Every day the earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.
    Willow: Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him.
    Tara: Well, he is pretty good.
    Anya: His voice is... pleasant.
    Xander: [incredulous.] What?!
    Willow: Oh, come on, he is kinda sexy.
    Xander: I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fueling the fire, please.
    Giles: I believe we're dealing with a kind of poltergeist. A whole cluster of them, in fact, born out of intense adolescent emotion and sexual energy.
    Anya: Both of which were totally pent up during Mrs. Holt's reign of repression.
    Xander: So with Buffy and Riley having... you know, acts of nakedness 'round the clock lately, maybe they set something free. Like a big, bursting poltergasm.
    Giles: When you called to Buffy and Riley didn't cry out or respond in any way.
    Anya: No, they're probably dead.
    Xander: Unless they're too busy doing it to answer.
    Giles: Doing what?
    Xander: You know, for a god of acoustic rock you're... kind of naive.
    Giles: I didn't think you meant... In the midst of all that? Do you really think they were keeping it up?
    [long awkward pause]
    Giles: Oh, for different phrasing.

### New Moon Rising

    Buffy: Zippo. Patrol has been totally uneventful. My kill count's way down.
    Willow: [to Tara] She means that there's been less bad guy activity.
    Giles: And we know what that often indicates.
    Xander: Buffy doesn't make her quota. Bad Slayer!
    Buffy: Oz isn't dangerous. Something happened to him that wasn't his fault. I never knew you were such a bigot!
    Riley: I'm not. I'm just saying it's a little strange to date someone who tries to eat you once a month!
    Willow: [Speaking of Oz's return] It's complicated...because of Tara.
    Buffy: You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No... [suddenly realizes Willow is in love with Tara] Oh! Oh... Well, there you go! I mean, you know, you have to... follow your heart, Will. And that's what's important, Will.
    Willow: Why do you keep saying my name like that?
    Buffy: Like what, Will?
    Willow: Are you freaked?
    Buffy: [overly insistent] What? No, Will! [pauses, then gathers her emotions] No. No, absolutely no to that question. I'm glad you told me.
    Willow: I don't want to hurt anyone, Buffy.
    Buffy: No matter what, somebody's going to get hurt. And the important thing is, you just have to be honest or it's going to be a lot worse.
    Spike: The thing about the Slayer is she is a whiny little thing, but when it comes to fighting she does have a slight tendency to win.
    Buffy: I hope everybody else is okay. It was better to split up, right? I mean, we're just too findable in a big clump.
    Riley: It was better. Besides, I think it's mostly me the Initiative wants now. [sighs]
    Buffy: Probably. So what should we do?
    Riley: Oh, we'll be safe for tonight at least. The campus is still blacked out, so... that ought to slow the Initiative down. I'll figure out my next move tomorrow.
    Buffy: Quite a day, huh? You woke up to a big bowl of Wheaties. Now you're a fugitive.
    Riley: I don't know. I'm sorry it ended that way, but I am glad it's done. I'm glad I know where I stand. Finally. I was wrong about Oz. I was wrong a bigot.
    Buffy: No, you weren't. You were thrown. You found out that Willow was in... kind of an unconventional relationship, and it gave you a momentary wiggins. It happens.
    Riley: Still... I was in a totally black and white space, people versus monsters, and it ain't like that. Especially when it comes to love.
    Buffy: I have to tell you some stuff. About my past. And it's not all stuff that you're gonna like.
    Riley: You can tell me anything.
    Buffy: I think so. I think I can.
    Willow: This thing looks pretty good, considering you drove it overseas.
    Oz: Well, it broke down outside of Mexico, and I traded my bass to have it fixed and garaged. I shouldn't have come back now. I just thought I'd changed.
    Willow: You have changed. You stopped the wolf from coming out. I saw it.
    Oz: But I couldn't look at you. I mean, it turns out... the one thing that brings it out of me is you. Which falls under the heading of ironic in my book.
    Willow: It was my fault. I upset you.
    Oz: Well, so we're safe then, 'cause you'll never do that again. But you're happy?
    Willow: I am. I can't explain it.
    Oz: It may be safer for both of us if you don't.
    Willow: I missed you, Oz. I wrote you so many letters. But I didn't have any place to send them, you know? I couldn't live like that.
    Oz: It was stupid to think that you'd just be... waiting.
    Willow: I was waiting. I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like, if I'm old and blue-haired and I turn the corner in Istanbul, and there you are, I won't be surprised. Because... you're with me, you know?
    Oz: I know. But now is not that time, I guess.
    Willow: No. What are you gonna do?
    Oz: I think I better take off.
    Willow: When?
    Oz: Pretty much now.
    Willow: No candles? Well, I brought one. It's extra flamey. [beat] Tara, I have to tell you...
    Tara: No, I... I understand. You have to be with the person you l-love. [beat]
    Willow: [looks a bit hurt, then smiles] I am.
    Tara: You mean...
    Willow: I mean. [pause] Okay?
    Tara: Oh, yes.
    Willow: I feel horrible about everything I put you through, a-and I'm gonna make it up to you. [smiles] Starting right now.
    Tara: [smiles] Right now?
    [Willow nods and smiles]
    [Tara blows the candle out]

### The Yoko Factor

    Adam: Two Slayers?
    Spike: That's right.
    Adam: And you killed them both?
    Spike: Yeah. I killed the hell out of 'em.
    Adam: Yet you fear this one?
    Spike: Hey, watch it, mate! I don't fear anything. I just know my enemies.
    Adam: Do you? Then why haven't you killed this Slayer yet?
    Spike: Because...! Stinking rotten luck is why. On top of that, now I got this buggering chip up my head.
    Adam: Yes. Your behavior modification circuitry. I know what you feel.
    Spike: [scoffing] Not likely.
    Adam: You feel smothered. Trapped like an animal. Pure in its ferocity, unable to actualize the urges within. Clinging to one truth, like a flame struggling to burn within an enclosed glass: that a beast this powerful cannot be contained. Inevitably, it will break free and savage the land again. I will make you whole again, make you savage.
    Spike: [is speechless with awe for a moment] Wow... I mean, yeah. I get why the demons all fall in line with you. You're like Tony Robbins! If he was a big scary, Frankenstein-looking... You're exactly like Tony Robbins.
    Buffy: Angel.
    Angel: Hi. Can I come in?
    Buffy: I guess.
    Angel: Um, I need a little more than that.
    Buffy: Oh. Um... come in. You're hurt.
    Angel: You, too.
    Buffy: I'll live. You want to tell me who ran your face into that doorknob?
    Angel: Not really. It's not world-in-peril stuff.
    Buffy: Let me guess. You thought of something else really hurtful to say, and, well, you couldn't tell me on the phone because the funniest part is that look on my face--
    Angel: Buffy, please. I really don't have a lot of time.
    Buffy: What's going on?
    Riley: I told you, you weren't coming near her.
    Buffy: You've got to be kidding me. This is why you came?
    Angel: No. This was an accident.
    Buffy: Running your car into a tree is an accident! Running your fist into somebody's face is a plan. Please explain this to me.
    Angel: Put that gun down.
    Riley: It's pretty much all I got left, so I'm thinking not. He attacked four of my men, Buffy. I think he's up to his old tricks.
    Buffy: He won't hurt anybody, tell him.
    Angel: Might hurt you.
    Riley: Oh, please try.
    Angel: Huh. Some threat. You can barely stand.
    Riley: My trigger finger feels okay.
    Angel: You actually sleep with this guy?
    Buffy: Okay, stop it! Okay, that is enough. I see one more display of testosterone poisoning, and I will personally put you both in the hospital. Anybody think I'm exaggerating?
    Angel: He start--
    Buffy: Riley.
    Riley: I'm sorry. Just want to know that you were safe.
    Buffy: I need to talk to Angel for a minute.
    Riley: What?
    Buffy: Riley, please.
    Riley: I'm not leaving this room. I mean it. Not moving a muscle.
    Buffy: Okay, I come to see you, to help you, and you treat me like I'm just... your ex.
    Angel: Well, technically--
    Buffy: Shut up! And then you order me out of your city, and then you come here and start pounding on my boyfriend? I would really like to know, what the hell are you trying to do?
    Angel: I was trying to make things better.
    Buffy: [laughs]
    Angel: [chuckles] Well... [laughs] Aw, well. Huh. It's, uh, going pretty good, don't you think?
    Buffy: Swell.
    Angel: You know... [chuckles] I couldn't leave it like that. The way I spoke to you... I came to apologize. I... I had no right.
    Buffy: And Riley?
    Angel: I got jumped by some soldiers. He came in in the middle. And he wasn't real forthcoming with the benefit of the doubt.
    Buffy: Put yourself in his place.
    Angel: I get it.
    Buffy: Look, you weren't entirely wrong, what you said in L.A. We don't live in each other's worlds anymore. I had no right to barge in on yours and make judgments.
    Angel: I'm still sorry.
    Buffy: Thank you.
    Angel: And next time, I'll apologize by phone.
    Buffy: [laughs]
    Angel: Uh, things are pretty tense around here.
    Buffy: They really are.
    Angel: Can I do anything?
    Buffy: Honestly, I think the best thing you can do right now is--
    Angel: Okay.
    Buffy: It means a lot that you came.
    Angel: Oh, and, Riley?
    Buffy: Yeah?
    Angel: I don't like him.
    Buffy: Thank you.
    [amidst an argument between Buffy, Xander, and Willow]
    Buffy: Sorry, you guys. We're on a clock here. Okay, Adam was at that cave, so maybe he was there for a reason. I-I could, I could go back, scope it out, track him if I have to.
    Willow: Right, and then maybe you'll get lucky and he'll still be there, and he can rip your arms off for you. Buffy you can't go back alone.
    Giles: You never train with me anymore. He's going to kick your ass.
    Buffy: Giles.
    Giles: Sorry. Was that a bit honest? Terribly sorry.
    Xander: So she doesn't go alone. Giles, weapons all around.
    Buffy: You're not going, Xander. You'd get hurt.
    Xander: Oh. Okay, you and Willow go do the superpower thing. I'll stay behind and putt around the Batcave with crusty old Alfred here.
    Giles: Ah, no, I am no Alfred, sir. No, you forget. Alfred had a job.
    Buffy: Willow is not going, either. I'm doing it alone.
    Willow: Oh, great. And then, when you have your new no arms, we can all say, "Gee, it's a good thing we weren't there getting in the way of that."
    Xander: Right. Maybe we can help in other ways. Want some fightin' pants, Buff? I can get you some new fightin' pants.
    Buffy: You guys, this isn't helping.
    Willow: Oh, wow, we're already getting in the way. We're pretty good at this, Xander, huh?
    Xander: Right, I'm so good at it, you might have to ship me off to the army to get me out of the way.
    Buffy: The army?
    Xander: You didn't know I knew about that, did you? You two, talking about me behind my back.
    Buffy: Us talking about you? How about you telling Riley every last detail of my life with Angel?
    Willow: Well, besides, when is there any "us two"? You two are the two who are the two. I'm the other one.
    Xander: Uh-huh, but maybe that all changes when I'm off doing sit-ups over at Fort Dix.
    Giles: Fort Dix? [begins to giggle hysterically]
    Buffy: Are you drunk?
    Giles: [finishes laughing] Yes. Quite a bit, actually.
    Buffy: Well, stop it. This is stupid.
    Xander: Stupid. So you finally had the guts to say it to my face.
    Buffy: I didn't say you were stupid. So stop being an idiot and let me fix this. Okay, I need you. I need both of you, all the time, just... not now. Adam is very dangerous.
    Willow: Wait. How do you need me, really?
    Buffy: You're good with the computer stuff. Usually. And-and there's the witch stuff.
    Willow: Witch stuff? What exactly do you mean by "witch stuff"?
    Buffy: You guys, what is happening? This is crazy.
    Giles: Oh, no, it's not. It's all finally making perfect sense, and I'm not gonna miss a moment of it.
    Xander: And if I did join the army, I'd be great. You know why? Because they might give me a job that couldn't be done by any well-trained Border Collie.
    Giles: That's it. I'm going to bed.
    Willow: No, you'd do wonderful in the army. Hey, do you think the umbilibal cord between you and Anya could stretch that far?
    Xander: I knew it. I knew you hated her!
    Willow: Look, I'm not the one being judgmental here. I'll leave that territory to you and Buffy.
    Buffy: Judgmental? If I was any more open-minded about the choices you two make, my whole brain would fall out.
    Xander: Oh, and superior. Don't forget that. Just because you're better than us doesn't mean you can be all superior.
    Buffy: You guys, stop this. What happened to you today?
    Willow: It's not today. Buffy, things have been wrong for a while, don't you see that?
    Buffy: [perturbed] Well, what do you mean, wrong?
    Willow: Well, they certainly haven't been right since Tara. We have to face it, you can't handle Tara being my girlfriend.
    Xander: No! It was back before that! Since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to-- Tara's your girlfriend?
    Giles: [from upstairs, still drunk] Bloody hell.
    Buffy: Enough! All I know is you want to help, right? Be part of the team?
    Willow: I don't know anymore.
    Xander: Clearly not wanted.
    Buffy: No! No, you said you wanted to go. So let's go, all of us. We'll walk into that cave with you two attacking me and the funny drunk drooling on my shoe. Hey! Hey, maybe that's the secret way to killing Adam!
    Xander: Buffy.
    Buffy: Is that it? Is that how you can help? You're not answering me! How can you possibly help? So... I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about a Chosen One and her friends. If I need help, I'll go to someone I can count on.

### Primeval

    Spike: [On getting Buffy to go where Adam wants her to] Right. The Initiative. But getting her there, that's what the bleeding discs are for, innit? I mean, the little witch gives her the info, and pop! All sends her back down the rabbit hole.
    Adam: The witch?
    Spike: Ah, Willow. So high, perky, good with maths. Natural choice.
    Adam: Her friend.
    Spike: Right.
    Adam: One of the friends from which you so efficiently separated her.
    Spike: Damn right I did! You should have seen 'em, they won't be talking to each other for a long, long- [pointed stare from Adam] -hang on, I think I might have detected a small flaw.
    Adam: So you failed.
    Spike: Well, hey, you're supposed to be so smart, but you let me plan this thing! [Adam glares] Well, let's not quibble about who failed who, the important thing is making sure the Slayer is where we want-
    Adam: Go.
    Spike: Gone. [Walks to the door] So, um, we'll do this chip thing when I get back?
    Col. McNamara: We hit him with continuous taser blasts.
    Xander: Great plan. That's right up there with duck and cover.
    Buffy: Where's Anya?
    Xander: Oddly, Anya decided not to join us, despite all the fun we had at our last meeting.
    Willow: And I don't think Tara felt welcome.
    Buffy: Why? Because of the things that we said? Will, who told you that we were talking behind your back, specifically?
    Willow: Well, I... Spike, specifically, but...
    Buffy: And who told you that we thought you'd be better off joining the army?
    Xander: That's not... exactly what he said.
    Giles: Well, um, S-Spike can be very convincing when-when, uh, I'm very stupid.
    Buffy: He played us. He wanted us to fight to split us up. That's where it came from, the stuff we said the other night.
    Giles: Of course. Well, piffle. Let's-let's move on.
    Xander: I'm movin'.
    Willow: Me, too.
    Buffy: Good. Great.
    Willow: So why do you think Spike made with the head games?
    Xander: He's all dressed up with no one to bite. He's got to get his ya-yas somehow.
    Buffy: I think it was more than that. I think it was Adam.
    Xander: Spike's working for Adam?! After all we've done... Nah, I can't even act surprised.
    Buffy: I just went to Adam's lair, and he was gone, but Spike just happened to be there. And he made this big noise about getting the information off those encrypted disks.
    Willow: Oh, I decrypted 'em. Well, they decrypted themselves, but I almost had it.
    Giles: What did they say?
    Willow: Bunch of stuff we already knew about 314. But it also said there's some final phase where Adam manufactures a bunch of creepy cyber-demonoids like him. There's a special lab in the Initiative, but it didn't say where.
    Buffy: Adam fed Spike those disks. It has to be. He wanted me to know about his evil-guy assembly line. This lab, it's in the Initiative?
    Willow: Hidden somewhere.
    Buffy: Well, give the demon his due. He thought this one out.
    Willow: What do you mean?
    Buffy: You know how overcrowded the containment cells have been at the Initiative? Those demons were just too easy to catch. It's like they wanted in that place.
    Giles: The Trojan horse.
    Buffy: Adam's gonna make sure the demons attack the Initiative from the inside.
    Xander: Demons versus soldiers. Massacre, massacre.
    Willow: And Adam has a neat pile of body parts to start assembling his army. Diabolical yet... gross.
    Xander: Does anybody else miss the Mayor, "I just want to be a big snake?"
    Buffy: I've got to shut him down, Giles. His final phase is about to start.
    Giles: We need to warn the Initiative.
    Buffy: They're not gonna listen to me.
    Willow: Riley?
    Buffy: He's a deserter. He got some bad news, anyway, and kind of took off.
    Xander: Okay, I'm confused again. Adam has the evil plan. Why is he so anxious for you to know about it?
    Buffy: He wants me there. Probably figures I'll even the kill ratio.
    Xander: He's not worried you might kill, oh, say, him?
    Buffy: No. He's really not.
    Giles: There's certainly no lack of supplies. Only wish I knew which ones would kill Adam.
    Buffy: According to Riley, his power sourse is a uranium core embedded somewhere inside his chest, probably near the spine?
    Xander: Great. So we just ask him to lie down quietly while we do some exploratory surgery.
    Willow: What about magic? some kind of, I don't know, uranium-extracting spell? I know, I'm reaching.
    Giles: Perhaps a paralyzing spell. Only I can't perform the incantation of this.
    Willow: Right. Don't you have to speak it in Sumerian or something?
    Giles: I do speak Sumerian. It's not that. Only a-an experienced witch can incant it, and you'd have to be within striking distance of the subject.
    Xander: See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?
    Buffy: What was I thinking?
    Xander: So, no problem. All we need is Combo-Buffy, her with Slayer strength, Giles' multi-lingual know-how, and Willow's witchy power. Yeah, don't tell me, I'm just full of helpful suggestions.
    Giles: As a matter of fact, you are.
    Ward: [about the Initiative] It was an experiment. The Initiative represented the government's interest in not only controlling the otherworldly menace, but in harnessing its power for our own military purposes. The considered opinion of this council is that the experiment has failed. Once the prototype took control of the complex, our soldiers suffered a 40% casualty rate. And it seems that it was only through the actions of a deserter and a group of civilian insurrectionists that our losses were not total. I trust the irony of that is not lost on any of us. Maggie Walsh's vision was brilliant, but ultimately insupportable. The demons cannot be harnessed, cannot be controlled. It is therefore our recommendation that this project be terminated and all records concerning it expunged. Our soldiers will be debriefed. Standard confidentiality clause. We will monitor the civilians, and usual measures prepared should they try to go public. I don't think they will. The Initiative itself will be filled in with concrete. Burn it down, gentlemen. Burn it down and salt the earth.

### Restless

    Buffy: Are you sure you'll be alright? 'Cause I can be there in the morning.
    Riley: It's just a debriefing. They're not gonna make me disappear and they're not pinning anything on me. I got Graham and a lot of the guys testifying I'm the reason they're alive. I might actually got out of this with an honorable discharge.
    Giles: In return for your silence, no doubt.
    Riley: Oh, yeah. Having the inside scoop on the administration's own Bay of Mutated Pigs is definitely an advantage.
    Willow: It's like you're blackmailing the government. In a... patriotic way.
    Riley: I'll call you when it's over.
    Xander: Dinner is served. And my very own recipe.
    Willow: Ooh. You pushed the button on the microwave that says popcorn?
    Xander: Actually, I pushed defrost, but, um, Joyce was there in the clinch.
    Riley: Well, you guys have fun tonight. It was very nice meeting you.
    Joyce: It was nice meeting you. Finally.
    Riley: Bye.
    Buffy: Bye.
    Joyce: Did you notice how pointedly I said finally?
    Buffy: No.
    Xander: Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell, and...then I do a spell by myself.
    Buffy: But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no-account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums, yes, I mean you and your friends, your whole sex. Throw 'em in the sea for all I care. Throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles. Men, with your groping and spitting. All groin, no brain. Three billion of ya' passin' around the same worn out urge. Men... with your sales.
    Tara: [speaking for The First Slayer] I have no speech, no name. I live in the action of death. The blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction, absolute, alone.
    Willow: The First Slayer. Wow.
    Xander: And not big with the socialization.
    Willow: Or the floss.
    Giles: Somehow our joining with Buffy and invoking the essence of the... the Slayer's power was an affront to the source of that power.
    Buffy: You know, you could have brought that up to us before we did it.
    Giles: I did, I said there could be dire consequences.
    Buffy: Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.
    Joyce: I'm, uh, guessing I missed some fun.
    Willow: The spirit of the First Slayer tried to kill us in our dreams.
    Joyce: Oh, you want some hot chocolate?
    Willow: Yeah.
    Xander: Yeah, please.
    Joyce: Uh, Xander?
    Xander: Yes, what, Joyce... uh, Buffy's mom.
    Joyce: Be my kitchen buddy again, help me carry?
    Xander: Yes, sure, Buffy's mom.
    Giles: Are you alright?
    Buffy: Yeah. I think I might jump in the shower.
    Giles: You seem a bit...
    Buffy: A little. The First Slayer. I never really thought about it. It was intense. I guess you guys got a taste of that, huh?
    Xander: Yeah, from now on you keep your Slayer friends out of my dreams, is that clear?
    Willow: She's not good for the sleeping.
    Buffy: Uh... Well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. Don't know where the hell that came from.
    Tara: [speaking for Buffy] You think you know, what's to come, what you are. You haven't even begun.