# Small Soldiers

Small Soldiers is a 1998 American action film. It depicts two factions of toys which turn sentient after being programmed with a military microprocessor, putting in danger when one faction ultimately turns lethal.
    Directed by Joe Dante. Written by Ted Elliott, and Terry Rossio, based on a story by Gavin Scott and Adam Rifkin.

## Dialogue

    Larry Benson: Pretty exciting, huh?
    Irwin Wayfair: I don't know. I think it's kinda sad. I mean, you know Heartland Toys has a long tradition of bringing joy to kids, ya know? Gil Mars isn't going to care about any of that. He's just gonna care about profits. I think it sucks.
    Larry Benson: Welcome to Earth, Irwin. You may not be familiar with our company, but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.
    Irwin Wayfair: Yeah, well, the real world sucks.
    Gil Mars: Y'know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of commercials that show us 4x4 trucks popping up to the top of Mt. Rushmore and parking on top of Abraham Lincoln's head, okay? I'm sick of shampoo commercials that try to convince women that they can look like Claudia Schiffer after one cycle of rinse and repeat. What if these toys could actually talk? What if they could walk? What if they could actually kick ass? I'm talking about toys that are so smart, when kids play with them, they play back. Toys, in short, gentlemen, that actually do what they do in the commercials.
    Irwin Wayfair: Well, that's an interesting idea.
    Gil Mars: Forget about this batteries-not-included crap. We're gonna stick in a lifetime Globotech lithium cell. Keep these things running forever. That'll piss off the guys at Eveready.
    Larry Benson: Yeah. [chuckles] Hey, how's this for a slogan? "The Commando Elite: Anything else is just a toy."
    Gil Mars: "Everything else is just a toy."
    Larry Benson: Th-That's good, too. Sure.
    Irwin Wayfair: Uh, sir? Uh, you know, that kind of, uh, computing power doesn't really seem feasible right now, and--
    Larry Benson: Irwin, Irwin. We're members of the GloboTech family. Surely, we can hunt down that technology.
    Gil Mars: We can make missiles that can hunt down one unlucky bastard 7,000 miles away and stick a nuclear warhead right up his ass. I don't think we're gonna have a problem with this.
    Irwin Wayfair: We can't have toys out on the market that may be dangerous.
    Larry Benson: How can they be dangerous? Everything on them is standard. The design is standard, the materials are standard, the mechanicals are standard. Even the-- [realizing] Oh.
    Irwin Wayfair: What's "Oh"?
    Larry Benson: What?
    Irwin Wayfair: You just said "Oh."
    Larry Benson: No, l said "Oh."
    Irwin Wayfair: Err, "Oh" like "That's interesting", or "Oh" like "We're screwed"?
    Larry Benson: No. l mean, hey, whoa, oh. Look, forget the "Oh." I'll go to Legal to start on the countersuit, all right--
    Irwin Wayfair: The chips! That's the "Oh"!
    Larry Benson: Oh.
    Irwin Wayfair: Yeah. These micro-processing chips, what do they do and where did you get them from?
    Larry Benson: They, you know, micro-process. And they come from the land of "I Saved Your Job." Come on.
    Irwin Wayfair: [looks up the chips on his computer] They were designed for the Department of Defense. [shocked] You put munitions chips in toys?!
    Nick Nitro: Falling in, sir. [falls to the ground, and the Commando Elite walk towards Nick Nitro]
    Brick Bazooka: Outta the way.
    Nick Nitro: [weakly] It's...only a flesh wound, sir.
    Chip Hazard: Rest easy. You've done your job.
    Nick Nitro: [last words; weakly] Did... we win? [groans, and dies]
    Chip Hazard: We will. [sniffles] Nick Nitro's battery has run out, but his memory will keep going and going and going. His death will be avenged! [Brick Bazooka sniffles and cries] Commandos, secure the perimeter! Tap all communications! Roll some armor! We got us a war to win. If it launches, lacerates or detonates, I want it mobile and I want it "lethile!"
    Commando Elite: Sir, yes, sir!
    Ms. Kegel: [after being told the product will be ready in three months] Alright, then. Now, these are your security cards. These will give you unlimited access to all top-secret GloboTechnology. And these are your individual secret passwords. Please take a moment memorize them now.
    Irwin Wayfair: [sees his password and chuckles] Mine's Gizmo.
    Ms. Kegel: [snatches Irwin's password; annoyed] I said "secret".
    Ralph Quist: The X1000 is a masterpiece. Imagine a microchip sophisticated enough to control the guidance systems of ballistic missiles. Imagine it can be used to instantly upgrade any system that it's plugged into, like a smart drug for machines. Then imagine it can learn.
    Irwin Wayfair: [nervously] Wh-What are you talking about, artificial intelligence?
    Ralph Quist: No. Actual intelligence. It's no wonder those philistines at the Pentagon didn't appreciate it. One little flaw, and they scrap the whole project!
    Irwin Wayfair: Ah-ha. So, there is a flaw in the chips.
    Ralph Quist: Well... they're a little sensitive to EMP.
    Irwin Wayfair: EMP? Electromagnetic pulse?
    Ralph Quist: Yeah, the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt even the toy industry has become quite that competitive! They said adequate shielding wasn't cost-effective. [scoffs] Did the Medicis ever tell Michelangelo "Sorry, Mike, but marble's not really cost-effective, here's a bag of cement"?! I think not! [sneezes]
    Irwin Wayfair: Gesundheit.
    Ralph Quist: Thank you.
    Larry Benson: Look, there really shouldn't be any problem, right? Just because the chips can learn.
    Ralph Quist: Am I not being clear? They learn within the boundaries of their primary programming. Whatever the core programming, the X1000 enhances it from within. So, if you've got a problem, it's in your software.
    Irwin Wayfair: Hey. You know what might work? An electromagnetic pulse. 'Cause that would fry their chips. [he and the others duck after a Commando Elite soldier fires a rocket]
    Larry Benson: Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.
    Stuart Abernathy: I'll check, but I don't think I have one in the junk drawer.
    Phil Fimple: "Nuclear warhead"? What are you talking about?
    Larry Benson: It's the chips! They're not shielded against an electromagnetic pulse. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.
    Irwin Wayfair: That's why the military never used them.
    Stuart Abernathy: Well, what kind of moron would put military technology in toys?
    Irwin Wayfair: [pointing at Larry] Oh, that would be "Gizmo" over here.
    [Fimple residence. Chip Hazard stumbles upon a bunch of Gwendy Dolls, causing the Commando Elite to see them]
    Brick Bazooka: Bombshells, sir!
    Kip Killigan: Fully posable! [he and Brick Bazooka laugh]
    Brick Bazooka: Hello, Dolly!
    [wolf whistle]
    Butch Meathook: Mmm-mmm! Sweet stuff! Hubba, hubba!
    Link Static: R&R, sir?
    Brick Bazooka: Request a three-day pass, sir.
    Chip Hazard: Denied! [Brick Bazooka groans] Gentlemen, this is the new army! Those are reinforcements! Bring me the head of Nick Nitro! Move! [Nick Nitro's body is brought to him] Soldier, your memory will live on. [pulls Nick Nitro's head off, and the Commando Elite gasps in shock]
    Butch Meathook: Damn!
    Link Static: Oh, criminy!
    [Chip Hazard pulls off the fake skin]
    Butch Meathook: I think I'm gonna hurl.
    Chip Hazard: [reaching Nick Nitro's microprocessor chip] A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
    [In a scene akin to a certain classic film, the chip is used to electrify and animate the Gwendy Dolls]
    Brick Bazooka: [laughing] It's alive! It's alive!
    Gwendy Doll: [walks to Chip Hazard] Hi, there! Cannon Fodder Gwendy reporting for duty, sir! [salutes]
    Chip Hazard: [salutes] Carry on, soldier!
    [the Commando Elite has "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls playing on full blast]
    Alan Abernathy: What are they doing?
    Irene Abernathy: Psychological warfare.
    Christy Fimple: The Marines did this against Noriega.
    Marion Fimple: Phil. Phil!
    Phil Fimple: What?
    Marion Fimple: I love this song!

## Taglines

* Big Action! Big Trouble! Big Movie! Small Soldiers!
* The few, the proud, and the small.
* [from theatrical trailer] GloboTech Defense Systems. In a secret lab, the world's most advanced military microprocessor has been created. But the Cold War is over. For GloboTech to survive, new markets must be found. Now, all that power has been placed into the brain of a fighting machine unlike any known to man. They made it strong. They made it clever. They made it... small. They made... a mistake.

## About Small Soldiers

* We found out what it really takes to make a great toy, to make it stand out on the shelf. We learned how the joints of toys worked, all the mechanics that go into them. The whole thing was an education; and we helped to create a toy line that was extremely successful for Hasbro. In fact, ultimately, sales for the Small Soldiers toys out-performed the film.
** Stan Winston in The Winston Effect: The Art & History of Stan Winston Studio by Jody Duncan, as quoted in "SMALL SOLDIERS BEHIND-THE-SCENES - CREATING THE ULTIMATE TOYS AT STAN WINSTON STUDIO", Stan Winston School of Character Art, December 26, 2013.

## Cast

* Kirsten Dunst - Christy Fimple
* Gregory Smith - Alan Abernathy
* Jay Mohr - Larry Benson
* Phil Hartman - Phil Fimple, Christy’s father (final film role)
* Kevin Dunn - Stuart Abernathy, Alan’s father
* David Cross - Irwin Wayfair
* Ann Magnuson - Irene Abernathy, Alan’s mother
* Dick Miller - Joe
* Wendy Schaal - Marion Fimple, Christy’s mother
* Robert Picardo - Ralph, Clean Room Technician
* Jacob Smith - Timmy Fimple, Christy’s younger brother
* Denis Leary - Gil Mars
* Alexandra Wilson - Ms. Kegel
* Jonathan Bouck - Brad
* Archie Hahn - Satellite Dish Installer
* Julius Tennon - Toy World Supervisor
* Belinda Balaski - Neighbor
* Rance Howard - Husband
* Jackie Joseph - Wife

## Voice actors

* Tommy Lee Jones - Chip Hazard
* Frank Langella - Archer
* Ernest Borgnine - Kip Killigan
* Jim Brown - Butch Meathook
* George Kennedy - Brick Bazooka
* Clint Walker - Nick Nitro
* Bruce Dern - Link Static
* Christopher Guest - Slamfist/Scratch-It
* Michael McKean - Insaniac/Troglokhan
* Harry Shearer - Punch-It
* Jim Cummings - Ocula

## External links

* Small Soldiers quotes at the Internet Movie Database
* Small Soldiers at Allmovie
* Small Soldiers at Mojo