# Designing Women (season 3)

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Designing Women (1986–1993) is an American sitcom, that aired on CBS, about four women who are associates at their design firm, Sugarbaker and Associates.

### Reservations for 12, Plus Ursula [3.01]

    Suzanne: I think you're one of these people who are too much.
    Ursula: Too much?
    Suzanne: Yes. Julia and Charlene and Mary Jo would never tell you so, they're too nice. But I can tell you because... I'm too much too.
    Ursula: I'm sorry, I just don't know what you mean.
    Suzanne: I mean your smile is too big, your heart is too big, and quite frankly — your breasts are too big.
    Ursula: What are you saying?
    Suzanne: I'm saying I want you to take your big knockers and hit the road.

### The Candidate [3.02]

    Mary Jo:(to Julia) When you kick somebody's teeth in, we like to feel like we're a part of it.
    [The ladies gather around Mary Jo's television to watch Julia's one-minute speech on the news against Commissioner Brickett.]
    Suzanne: I know someone who's not going to think Julia's too wonderful.
    Charlene: Who?
    Suzanne: Wilson Pickett.
    Charlene: Wilson Pickett?
    Suzanne: You know, that black guy with the bow tie. Where have you been, Charlene? I mean that's what we're doing here.
    Charlene: Suzanne, his name is not Wilson Pickett, it's Wilson Brickett. Wilson Pickett's a black singer.
    Suzanne: Okay, so I was close.
    Charlene: How do you figure you were close, because they're both black? You might as well have said Don King.
    Suzanne: Who's Don King?
    Charlene: Who's Don King?! You don't know who he is either?
    Suzanne: Oh yeah, I know who he is. He's that guy who sings "Tiny Bubbles."
    Charlene: "Tiny Bubbles"?! Suzanne, Don King does not sing "Tiny Bubbles," that's Don Ho! (to Julia) She just does this to drive me insane. It's like we're the Smothers brothers, and she's Tommy and I'm Dick.
    Mary Jo:(walks in with a tray) What is the matter?
    Suzanne: Oh, I don't know, Mary Jo, it's just Charlene. She's in here raving about "Tiny Bubbles" and calling herself Dick.
    [Julia and Commissioner Brickett square off on television, while Anthony and the ladies sit on the sidelines, worried that "Terminator" Julia won't be able to hold her temper....as it begins, and it turns out, she is getting impatient already!]
    Caller: I'm a member of the National Rifle Association, and I support Commissioner Brickett's stand on every American's inalienable right to bear arms. And I'm not any red-necked deer hunter. I'm a professional man who's simply interested in protecting his family.
    Brickett: Amen.
    Newscaster: Mrs. Sugarbaker?
    Julia: Facts are: number 1: a seven day waiting period does not prohibit anyone from obtaining a gun, unless he or she happens to have a criminal record.
    Brickett: Mrs. Sugarbaker, you're a smart gal and a pretty one too. When you go out at night alone, I bet you carry some kind of little handgun in your purse. How would you feel if you were robbed and raped during that seven day period while you waited for approval for that handgun?
    Julia: Well, Commissioner, I'd probably feel as badly as you would feel if you were molested and shot by someone who'd just gotten out of prison and bought a gun on that very same day.
    Caller: My children attend school here in Atlanta, and I do not appreciate Commissioner Brickett's lack of support for our extra curricular fine arts programs like dance and ballet.
    Brickett: Listen. When the petticoat sports can attract a gate that pays for itself like basketball and football, then I'll get excited. Anyway, I think we should spend less time worrying about the screwball curriculums and get back to the basic three R's.
    Julia: Screwball curriculums?! Petticoat sports?! I bet you think Refrigerator Perry is a better athlete than Mikhail Baryshnikov! I mean, I don't know what kind of an ignoramus...
    Anthony: (clears his throat)... ahem!!
    Julia: (immediately turning to the camera and smiling) I strongly support a more expanded program of liberal arts in the public schools and would do my best to encourage funding.
    Brickett: And all I can say is Amen to this wonderful caller, because I too would like to hear the Pledge of Allegiance recited in our classrooms again. By the way, you may be interested to know that flag sales in this country are at an all-time high.
    Julia: I think the Pledge of Allegiance is wonderful, and so is the flag. You know, it's not an official American document. It was taken from a children's magazine.
    Newscaster: Yes, but should reciting it be mandatory?
    Julia: No, it should be a privilege.
    [As the debate continues, Julia's impatience begins to show, and she shows signs that she is about to blow!]
    Caller: ... and I just don't think I could vote for someone like Mrs. Sugarbaker who is so obviously against school prayer.
    Julia: Let me say once again, that I am not against prayer.
    Brickett: These people are never against prayer, per say. They're what I call 14% Christian. They go to church one day and week and spend the next six trying to keep morals and decent values out of our schools and government ---- the very two institutions who should be instilling these things into our young people to begin with. Well, I say there's a reason we call it "One nation under God, indivisible" ... maybe Mrs. Sugarbaker has just forgotten what that phrase was all about.
    Julia: (irritated) No, Mr. Brickett. I have not forgotten. I was just thinking that you seem to have forgotten the phrase "Separation of church and state", but the one thing I did forget was just how divisive, dishonest, and distasteful someone like you can be. I've sat here today and listened to you pander to these people, but you don't actually care about them, or you wouldn't be sitting here reinforcing their ignorance and prejudices.
    Brickett: You heard that, Caller. She just called you ignorant and prejudiced!
    Julia: (angrily) I do not think everyone in America is ignorant! Far from it!! But we are today, probably, the most uneducated, under read, and illiterate nation in the western hemisphere. Which makes it all the more puzzling to me why the biggest question on your small mind is whether or not little Johnny is gonna recite the Pledge of Allegiance every morning! I'll tell you something else, Mr. Brickett. I have had it up to here with you and your phony issues and your Yanky Doodle yakking! If you like reciting the Pledge of Allegiance everyday then I think you should do it! In the car! In the shower! Wherever the mood strikes you! But don't try to tell me when or where I have to say or do or salute anything, because I am an American too, and that is what being an American is all about! And another thing... I am sick and tired of being made to feel that if I am not a member of a little family with 2.4 children who goes just to Jerry Falwell's church and puts their hands over their hearts every morning that I am unreligious, unpatriotic, and un-American!! Because I've got news for you, Mr. Brickett... all liberals are not kooks, anymore than all conservatives are fascists!! and the last time I checked, God was neither a Democrat nor a Republican! And just for your information, yes I am a liberal, but I am also a Christian. And I get down on my knees and pray everyday ---- on my own turf — on my own time. One of the things that I pray for, Mr. Brickett, is that people with power will get good sense, and that people with good sense will get power... and that the rest of us will be blessed with the patience and the strength to survive the people like you in the meantime!!

### E.P. Phone Home [3.03]

    Julia: Mary Jo, I have never seen one person eat so much in all my life. I mean, the inside of this car looks like we're on some kind of a pig tour.
    Mary Jo: Can you believe it? I mean, who would have thought — homemade food in a gas station? I mean, is that just in the South or what? I mean, now you can go in get your tires checked, buy some birth control in the bathroom and have a little turkey and dressing on the way out.
    [Asked their names by a reporter making fun of the Elvis fans:]
    Suzanne: My name is Helen Van Patterson-Patton.
    Julia: And I'm her sister, Debbie.
    Suzanne: Well, the room's not going to be ready for another half hour. And Charlene, you can just forget about that tour. Now I am telling you all, I cannot take anymore of this. I'm tired, I'm dirty, I've got that beef jerky she gave me stuck in my teeth. Now, I'm just going to march right into that bathroom in the coffee shop and brush my teeth and take a sponge bath in the sink and then I'm going to blow dry myself on the wall dryer... ... or maybe not.

### "Big Haas & Little Falsie" [3.05]

    [The ladies discuss breast size, making reference to Suzanne.]
    Julia: Suzanne's had those as long as I can remember. She was born with them. Mother and Daddy and I used to sit around and just stare at them. It's just the spin of the ole' genetic wheel. I think I've been amply compensated.
    Charlene: What's that mean?
    Mary Jo: It means Suzanne got the boobs, and she (pointing to Julia) got the brains.
    Suzanne: I don't think I like the turn this conversation has taken.
    Mary Jo: Oh, c'mon... big boobs/tiny brains... it's a story as old as the hills — I didn't write it.
    Charlene: Mary Jo!!! I cannot believe you would even repeat that!!
    Mary Jo: Oh, I'm just kidding. It's just the Littlest Angel's way of kind of evening the score.
    Suzanne: What's this "Littlest Angel" stuff anyway?
    Mary Jo: It's the name of a training bra, Suzanne. I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that.
    Suzanne: A training bra... you little people have to train yours, and you call us dumb.....
    Mary Jo:(about her larger fake breasts) These things are power!
    Julia: I hate to brag, but I've turned a few heads in my time.
    Mary Jo: Well ya didn't do it with those(gestures toward Julia's chest).

### Hard Hats and Lovers [3.06]

    Charlene: Julia, what did he say to you?
    Julia: Charlene, why do you always want to know these things?
    Charlene: Oh I'm just curious. Come on, we all told.
    Julia: All right Charlene, if you must know he said, "Mmm-mmm. Lookin' good. I want it. I need it. Got to-got to-have it-now."
    [Charlene tells Suzanne how Bill never had any women in his life except her and his childhood sweetheart. She responds:]
    Suzanne: My third husband, J. Benton Stonecipher never dated anyone but me. Of course in my case he never wondered if anyone could possibly be any better because of course that would be absurd. But now for me it was just no fun... I mean... I like to hear about how other women fall short.
    [Suzanne tries to get a date for Charlene to make Bill jealous.]
    Suzanne: Hello Randy? Suzanne Sugarbaker. Listen, Randy.....Good news.... I found ya a date. Yes I know everyone's tried to help. I bet ya had given up. Well anyway I have somebody. I'll call you later tonight with details. Oh Randy, what movie star are you going as? Mickey Rooney..... uh-huh, very good choice.
    Julia: Suzanne and I once had a mutual friend named Robert. He was having marital difficulties. Suzanne became his coach. After a few months he became....Roberta.

### But They're Really Great Curtains [3.07]

    Anthony: Excuse me, ladies. I know it's none of my business, but there are two little old vietnamese ladies laying in your driveway.
    Suzanne: Oh, they been there all morning. Y'know, they look frail, but when I pulled my Mercedes in at 30 miles an hour, they hopped up right quick.
    Julia: I myself have been distinctly pro-labor all my life . . . except for a brief period this morning when a cabbage hit my windshield.

### The Wilderness Experience [3.08]

    Suzanne: Well, did you all hear what she said about that flushing? I mean they don't even have port-a-potties. Now I'm serious you all, I think we should just rethink this.
    Wilderness Leader Connie: Five minutes, busses are rolling.
    Julia: Suzanne!! Bernice has put out twelve hundred, non-refundable dollars. We have all just sat through a four-hour lecture. Now I don't want to go any more than you do, but I'm telling you, I have rolled my sleeping bag, I have backed my pack and I have filled my canteen.
    Suzanne: So what are you saying?
    Julia: I'm saying, "Get on the bus, Gus."
    [Anthony gets caught helping the ladies and pretends to be a woman camper.]
    Connie: What's this camper's name?
    Anthony:(in a high-pitched voice) Cindy.
    Connie: Cindy what?
    Anthony: Cindy Birdsong.
    Connie: Birdsong — I don't remember that name.(to other leader) Check your list.
    Anthony: I was late. I got on the bus at the last minute.
    Connie: Who let you on?
    Anthony: I don't know. Some white girl.
    Connie: Where's your application?
    Anthony: I turned it in.
    Connie: To who?
    Anthony: Some white girl.

### Tyrone [3.09]

    [Suzanne enters, obviously distraught.]
    Suzanne:[(whimpers)]
    Julia: Something wrong, Suzanne?
    Suzanne: Yes, something is wrong. I'm driving down the street this morning, the sun is shining, I'm young, I'm beautiful. I look in the rearview mirror and what do I see? There is a hair growing out of my chin. I mean, have you ever in all your life? I simply could not believe my eyes. Here I am, hardly 30 years old, and there's this hair sticking out right here. It's unbelievable. Obviously, I'm being punished for some heinous sin, like telling Kyle Westheimer's parents that he is, in fact, a bisexual. But all I know is, whatever it is, I did not merit this.
    Mary Jo: You told some guy's parents that he's a bisexual?
    Suzanne: That's right. I always tell the parents. And I'm not sorry either. I don't believe in bisexuals. I figure the rest of us have to choose, so why shouldn't they?
    Suzanne:(leaning her chin in toward Julia) Julia, do you see anything else there?
    Julia: No, Suzanne, I don't.
    Suzanne: Good. Cause if I get another one, I'm just gonna have to get a gun and shoot myself through the head.
    Mary Jo: Why don't you shoot yourself in the chin? Maybe that way you'll hit the root.
    Suzanne: I'm glad you all find this so amusing.
    Charlene: Oh c'mon, Suzanne. Don't you think you're being just a little bit shallow?
    Suzanne: No, I do not Charlene. I don't think it is shallow not to want to go through life wearing a goatee.
    [Anthony is going over spelling words with Tyone.]
    Anthony: Cantaloupe.
    Suzanne: C-A-N-T-A-L-O-U-P-E
    Anthony: That's very good, Suzanne.
    Suzanne:(beaming) I eat it all the time.
    [Julia accompanies Anthony to juvenile hall to give Tyrone some tough love after his "little brother" gets arrested]
    Anthony: I want to know what you're gonna do to compensate Julia and all the others to whom you've brought pain and sorrow.
    Tyrone: I guess I don't know yet.
    Anthony: Well, you're gonna have plenty of time to think about it. This is your third offense, and they're gonna throw the book at you this time.
    Tyrone: I know. I don't even know why I did it.
    Anthony: You just wanted to screw up because that's what everybody expects of you. Well I'm gonna surprise you, Tyrone. I'm gonna wait around here for you to get out. I'm gonna come to visit you every week. I'm gonna check on you. I'm gonna hound you like a dog. And when you do get out of here, I'm gonna expect to see something a whole lot better than what I'm looking at now.
    Tyrone: You are?
    Anthony: Oh, you're damn right.
    Tyrone: I can't believe you came. My own sister didn't even come.
    Anthony: So what, Tyrone. You think that you're the only kid in the world whose family doesn't care about him? Well let me tell you something. I grew up in a neighborhood where people put cigarettes out on your head. I never met my father, and my mother was an addict who left me behind when I was two weeks old — I didn't see her again 'til I was nine. Then she wrote and said she was coming. One day she showed up at school after I had told everybody how beautiful my mama was and how she was coming just to see me. You know what she did, Tyrone? She got out of her car. She walked across the playground and picked up some other kid and hugged him and starting crying and calling him by my name. She did that right in front of everybody. I was her son and she didn't even know me. So you see... I've been where you are right now. And if it hadn't been for that one person, my grandmama, loving me and kicking my butt everyday I'd still be there.
    Tyrone: I'm sorry I let you down.
    Anthony: I'm gonna be here every week. You can count on that Tyrone.
    GUARD: I'm sorry, but your time is up.
    Anthony: One more thing, man. You know that birthday wish that you asked me about? I wished you were my son.
    Tyrone: I love you. :[hugs Anthony]
    Anthony: I love you too, man.
    [The guard escorts Tyrone out. Julia comes up to Anthony]
    Julia: Anthony, I want you to know that I've never been prouder of anyone in my life.....than I am of you at this moment. :she hugs him Let's go home.

### The Naked Truth [3.11]

    [Suzanne is forced to drag the luggage in for her spoiled niece, Jennifer — who is just like her.]
    Suzanne: Well, I'll go out to the car and get the rest later.
    Jennifer: Thanks, Aunt Suzanne... You know I'm sorry I can't help, but this pinched nerve is just giving me fits.
    Suzanne: Oh, that's alright. I usually have a pinched nerve myself, I just forgot to mention it before you did.
    [Anthony returns from measuring for carpet at a nudist colony.]
    Anthony: Let me tell y'all. If you thought it was tough going standing up, you should try it at knee level — talk about trying to keep your eyes on one place. By the way, they want you to replace those burlap bar stools — it seems a couple of people got rope burn.
    [Anthony prepares to take Julia and Suzanne's nieces — who are just like them — to the airport.]
    Jennifer: Anthony, do you suppose we could stop at a drug store on the way? I need to get some blush-on with some little sparkly stuff in it.
    Camilla: We are NOT stopping. If you want red cheeks, why don't I just slap them for you?

### The Junies [3.12]

    Julia: They've got a hold of Charlene and they're not letting go. This is not a business organization, it's some kind of cult. Some kind of perky cult. Let's face it. Charlene's been kidnapped by the Junies.
    Suzanne: No offense, Julia, but if this Libby person is as bad as you say, you are way out of your league. I know these kind of women. They'll kiss you and call you honey and slop sugar all over you while all the time they're just thinking about themselves. I mean, that terminator stuff doesn't work with them. You gotta fight sugar with sugar. They'll find that's a job for professionals.
    Mary Jo: We've been here 15 minutes and they've given out about 50 awards — I've got a spooky feeling I might win one.
    Julia: No, Suzanne, we do not think that is silly. The idea of a nice college homecoming queen ceremony, where you yourself would be rooting for a 30 year old black man, seems not only logical, but very dignified.

### One Sees, the Other Doesn't [3.13]

    [Suzanne says she doesn't want to date a blind man.]
    Charlene: We're talkin' about a millionaire who spends his weekends with under-privileged kids. I mean, we're talkin' about a Phi Beta Kappa from Vanderbilt who still knows why Hee-Haw is funny. I mean, men like that are just not walking the streets.
    Suzanne: Well, that's good. Because men like that would be bumping into each other.

### Odell [3.14]

    Suzanne: Oh, it was just one of Charlene's brothers again. What's his name there? Odell. He's probably just wanting to catch her up on the hillbilly news, like they got 'em a new scarecrow or something like that.
    Julia: You know, Suzanne, I don't like that word "hillbilly." Just because Charlene comes from a big family and they live on a farm, doesn't mean they sit around like Mammy and Pappy Yokum, smokin' corn cob pipes and drinkin' moonshine.
    Suzanne: Well, I'm sorry Julia, but I don't think it's in good taste to have that many children. Unless of course, you're Mormon.
    Julia: What does that have to do with it?
    Suzanne: I don't know, they just seem to handle it better. They form those singin' groups, stuff like that.
    Suzanne: Oh, for Pete's sake. Every time you two get a little cranky, you start going on these man bashing jags, you know? "Men are the cause of all trouble in the world. Men invented high heels and cheap panty hose." I bet you next thing you know, you'll be accusing them of that whatchamacallit, that PMS envy.
    Mary Jo: PMS envy? I swear, somebody from the Geraldo Rivera show ought to follow you around with a tape recorder.
    [Discussing Charlene's little brother:]
    Suzanne: Let me get this straight. He's never had a girlfriend, he knits sweaters and he works at the beauty shop?
    Charlene: Well, he goes to Three Rivers Junior College, too. What are you gettin' at?
    Suzanne: Well, I don't mean to get personal Charlene, but has it ever occurred to you that maybe Odell is involved in some homosexual activity?
    Charlene: Suzanne! I mean, just because a person is sensitive and artistic doesn't mean he's gay. Not that that would matter to me anyway.
    Julia: Well I think he sounds like an interesting and talented young man.
    Suzanne: I think he sounds like a woman.
    Mary Jo: Bear in mind that this comes from the lips of a woman who thought there was a patron saint for homosexuals named, "Saint Francis of a Sissy."

### Full Moon [3.15]

    [After Julia returns from a fashion show where her dress got caught up in her pantyhose:]
    Julia: I can't believe that all my life, I've tried to create some semblance of grace and style. Now I'm going to be remembered as that woman...
    Suzanne: ... who mooned Atlanta.
    [Charlene and Mary Jo relate an embarrassing story to try to cheer Julia up.]
    Charlene: Suzanne, don't you have a most humiliating story to tell?
    Suzanne: Yes, I do. My most humiliating moment... was when Julia mooned 1200 people.

### Ms. Meal Ticket [3.16]

    Suzanne: Women are always getting a bad rap for wanting men to make money. But there is an absolute, bona-fide scientific reason for it. Haven't you all heard of Darwin?
    Julia: You mean Darwin Sanders who used to take care of our yard?
    Suzanne: No, silly, Charles Darwin. Don't you read?
    Julia: Yes, Suzanne. Yes, I do. But you don't, so I thought — well — go on.

### The Engagement [3.17]

    [Charlene shows up for work with big news — so excited that she can barely speak.]
    Julia: Good morning, Charlene. Mary Jo says you have some news for us.
    [Charlene screams with elation under her breath.]
    Julia: Must be good news!
    Suzanne: Charlene, if this is something stupid like Pam Ewing's coming back to Dallas, I don't want to hear it.
    Charlene: I'm getting married!!
    Julia: You're getting married?!!
    Mary Jo: I didn't tell them! It just about killed me, but I didn't.
    Julia: When did this happen?
    Charlene: Friday night. I told Mary Jo already, but I couldn't get ahold of you, and I wanted to tell you all in one big swoop....I'm getting married!!
    Julia: I'm so happy for you!
    [Meanwhile, Suzanne has been inspecting Charlene's engagement ring with her jewelers loupe.]
    Suzanne: Oh, nice job, Charlene! Now....who're you marrying?
    Charlene:annoyed Bill!!
    Mary Jo: Suzanne....
    Suzanne: Well, I thought so, but y'know it never hurts to ask.
    [Mary Jo drags Julia to a keg party for moral support as she breaks off with her younger boyfriend, Kenny. As Julia returns from the powder room she runs into Kenny.]
    Kenny: Mrs. Sugarbaker! How 'bout you and I going out sometime? I bet I could pick up a thing or two from you.
    Julia: Well, I doubt that, Kenny. But I might be able to offer you one piece of wisdom.
    Kenny: Oh yeah? What's that?
    Julia: I believe that you will find as years go by, and you get older and wiser, traversing life's little ups and downs, that underwear probably really doesn't make all that good of a hat.(turning to Mary Jo and speaking loudly to be heard over the music) The powder room isn't really functional now. The keg is in the bathtub and it seems the tap is slow. This is a source of some concern for all the young men in there because they are trying to fill Craig's funnel. Craig, it seems, drinks his beer out of a funnel.
    [Charlene tracks Julia down by phone for advice on handling her fiance's snooty family, who thinks she has no class . . . Julia continues in her loud voice in order to hear herself.]
    Charlene: Where the heck are you?
    Julia: If you must know, Charlene, I'm at a keg party.
    Charlene: Julia! I can't imagine you at a keg party! I mean . . . y'know, you have so much class.
    Julia: That's just the point, Charlene. If you have class, you have it. It doesn't matter where you are or who you're with . . . and I have to go now because Craig is getting ready to drink out of the funnel.
    [Charlene has a heart-to-heart with Bill's mother.]
    Charlene: I love your son with all my heart, and I'll do anything to make him happy. But as much as I want to fit into his family, I'm just as proud of the one I come from.

### The Women of Atlanta [3.19]

    Anthony: Suzanne, if you want one of my cookies, why don't you just ask?
    Suzanne: Why should I do that for? I've been getting as many as I want without asking.
    Julia: Don't try to reason with her, Anthony. Suzanne does not understand the concept of fairness. She only understands punishment and reward. If you don't want her to eat anymore of your cookies, I suggest you put a little mousetrap in there. Let it snap on her hand once, I guarantee she'll get the point.
    Suzanne: Well all I'm saying is this better not turn out to be any kind of cheesecake, cause I just don't do cheesecake. I eat it, but I don't do it.
    [A sleazy photographer, DeWitt Chiles, goes one step too far when he asks Julia to pose for a photo shoot while sucking pearls.]
    Julia:THAT'S IT!!!!
    CHILES: What? What are you saying?
    Julia: I'm saying I want you and your equipment out of here now. If you are looking for somebody to suck pearls, then I suggest you try finding yourself an oyster. Because I am not a woman who does that, as a matter of fact, I don't know any woman who does that, because it's stupid. And it doesn't have any more to do with decorating than having cleavage and looking sexy has to do with working in a bank. These are not pictures about the women of Atlanta. These are about just the same thing they're always about. And it doesn't matter whether the clothes are on or off... it's just the same ol' message. And I don't care how many pictures you've taken of movie stars — when you start snapping photos of serious, successful businessmen like Donald Trump and Lee Iacocca in unzipped jumpsuits with wet lips, straddling chairs, then we'll talk.

### Stand and Fight [3.20]

    Anthony: What would you do if somebody was coming after you?
    Charlene: Scream for help.
    Anthony: Uh, uh. You can't depend on anybody helping you.
    Charlene: Then I'd run away.
    Anthony: You can't always get away.
    Charlene: Well, then, I'd kill them with a rolled up magazine. I saw this thing on TV where spies learn how to kill somebody with a rolled up magazine.
    [Suzanne wants to practice her self-defense course lessons:]
    Charlene: Suzanne, why are you so interested in this course now? I mean, you didn't even want to go the first time. Now every time I see you it's, "Charlene threaten me, Charlene come at me with a knife, Charlene mug me at the Ready Teller."
    Suzanne: Okay, Julia, come on. Come at me with a knife. I dare you.
    Julia: Suzanne, I appreciate your enthusiasm for our anti-mugging course, and I must admit that occasionally this week I have enjoyed choking you, but this is a place of business.
    Julia: You know, I think that women are just about ready to say, if you come up to us with a gun or a knife, you better be prepared to use it right then and there, because we are not going anywhere with you. And we are not going to be dug up, raped and mutilated months later on some rural road. We are going to be prepared to stand and fight with dignity in the parking lots and the shopping centers and the driveways of America. But buddy, you better be prepared to do the same, because even at the very least, one of us is going to be walking funny.
    Mary Jo: You know what gets me even more is that twisted ankle business. That is so annoying.
    Suzanne: What twisted ankle business?
    Mary Jo: Oh, you know how they always show some young blonde thing in high heels with her bosom popping out of the dress, you know, running away from some monster or killer or something, and she's doing pretty good, she's making pretty good time until *snap* she twists that ankle. And then she just lies there til the monster polishes her off. I mean, I guess that's what you get for having big breasts and running around on three inch stilts.
    Suzanne: Well what do you want her to do, Mary Jo? Stand up and beat the tar out of Frankenstein?
    Mary Jo: I want a movie where a woman with a gun knows how to use it, and doesn't let some man wrench it out of her wimpy little wrist. I want a movie where the hero is Charlene, not Charles Bronson.
    [Mary Jo finds herself being followed through a parking garage.]
    Mary Jo: NO!!! Back off, buddy. Lay a finger on me and I'll kick you so hard your whole family will feel it. 9 - 1 - 1 !!!

### The Last Humorously-Dressed Bellboy in America [3.21]

    Suzanne: I just cannot believe I got this stupid traffic ticket.
    Anthony: What'd you get a ticket for?
    Suzanne: Driving in a reckless manner by having all the mirrors on my vehicle turned towards myself.
    Suzanne: It's been my experience, Julia, that no matter where you go...there you are.
    [Suzanne finds her ex-accountant, Reggie Mac Dawson, who absconded with her life savings and is now singing and playing piano in a hotel.]
    Reggie Mac: I've gotta go to Mr. Fladbeau's office and ask if I can take my break now.
    Julia: Can't you just take it?
    Reggie Mac: Well, I only get one a week.
    Suzanne: Don't worry about Mr. Fladbeau, I'll take care of that. You're not leaving this room.
       [(Suzanne grags the microphone on the piano)]
    Suzanne: Mr. Fladbeau! This is Suzanne Sugarbaker! Reggie Mac is taking his break now, thank you!!

### Julia Drives Over the First Amendment [3.22]

    Suzanne: A little crying, a little begging, it touches me and I never let it go unrewarded.
    [Anthony is on caffeine pills to cram in all his studies.]
    Suzanne: Well, I'm sorry, but I went all the way through college myself and never once did I have to use stimulants. I managed to keep up with my courses and a very active social life. And let me tell you, those were 6 ½ of the best years of my life.
    Mary Jo: Oh, Anthony. I'm sure glad I'm not in your shoes. When I used to take exams I used to get soooo nervous the night before. I would have the most incredible dreams . . . y'know. Like that I would show up in the classroom just as everyone was finishing their test, and the professor would say "You're two hours late . . . sorry" — or — I would have this dream where — y'know-- I get there on time and everything, but I'd look at the test and I wouldn't know any of the answers. I mean I had studied completely the wrong thing . . . and then I would look down and I had forgotten to dress — I was completely naked!! Here, have some juice.
    Anthony: That does it. I'm not taking any more of these pills. Working with her is stimulating enough.
    Julia: I think that I am a member of the majority of the American public who knows this kind of filthy enterprise exists, but doesn't care to have it pushed in my own face, on my own street, thank you very much.
    [Suzanne and Charlene meet with the female editor of a men's magazine.]
    Publisher: Actually, I'm a feminist, and I and my magazine make large contributions to feminist charities.
    Suzanne: Yeah, well I donate to the ASPCA, but that doesn't make me a cat!
    Charlene: Good one!