# Grey's Anatomy (Season 11)

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Grey's Anatomy (2005-) is a primetime television medical drama, airing on ABC, that follows Meredith Grey, a first-year surgical intern at the beginning of the drama, and her fellow interns as they struggle to become doctors.

## Season 11
### I Must Have Lost it on the Wind [11.01]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] When I was 5, my mom lost me in a park. I don't remember much, except that one minute I was riding the carousel, and the next, she was gone. I don't remember how I found her. I don't remember how I got home. All I remember is what happened next. She told me not to worry. She told me everything would be fine. She told me it was time to play the quiet game, so I knew I wasn't supposed to ask any questions. Or else, I might have told her I forgot my doll. I loved that doll so much. It killed me to leave it behind. Funny, isn't it, the way memory works?
    Meredith: You really should get your locks changed.
    (Alex and Jo wake up, shocked.)
    Alex: What are you doing here?
    Meredith: I need to talk to Alex. Wilson, get out of the bed. I can't get in the bed with you in there.
    Jo: You can't kick me out of bed!
    Meredith: It's my house.
    Alex: No, it's my house!
    Meredith: Then you kick her out.
    Jo: I'm not wearing any...
    Meredith: I don't care about your boobs, Wilson. Out.
    (Jo puts on a shirt and gets out bed as Meredith gets in the bed.)
    Jo: I guess I'll go make us some coffee since I'm up.
    Meredith: Coffee would be great!
    Alex: This is not our thing now, okay? You can't just start showing up at all hours and... I mean, this is not what we do.
    Meredith: I told Derek I am not moving to D.C. The children and I are staying here.
    Alex: All right, the miracle is over.
    Meredith: The miracle is not over. We're not a miracle. Shut up.
    Alex: You can't break into my house and wake me up to talk and then tell me to shut up!
    Jo: I'm a widow. She widowed me. I'll never have Alex to myself again.
    Stephanie: Her best friend just left yesterday, okay? She needs someone to talk to. You are overreacting.
    Jo: She kicked me out of my own bed in the middle of the night, while I was naked, and he let her.
    Stephanie: Okay. So, you're screwed.
    Alex: Grab your stuff. We're drinking.
    Meredith: Oh, I... I can't. I have to go home and deal with...
    Alex: Fight with Shepherd? I think you need to whine about it some more to me first. You definitely need to drink.
    Meredith: What are you afraid of, that I'm gonna...
    Alex: I'm afraid you're gonna keep crawling in my bed in the middle of the night. Look, Yang left me her shares and her board seat and she left me you, too. It's just us now. I don't know... if you need somebody to bitch to or just be...
    Meredith: My person.
    Alex: I don't know what you mean.
    Meredith: But you do.
    (They hug.)
    Meredith: I just don't know if my marriage can survive this.
    Meredith: [ending voice over] The things you can't quite remember, and the things you can never forget. There can be beauty in getting lost. Sometimes we have to get lost to find each other. And sometimes we find each other, only to get lost all over again. You can't always control it, the thing that's going to set you adrift. And as you stand there on the front porch, staring at the life you're about to leave behind, you have to accept it's gone, it's lost, just like you. All you can do now is stand very still, breathe in the moment, and try to be open to wherever the wind's going to take you next.

### Puzzle With a Piece Missing [11.02]

    Maggie: [opening voice over] I love puzzles. Since I was a kid. My record for the Friday New York Times crosswords is 11 minutes, when I was 13. I'm still trying to beat that. Okay, that sounds braggy. I just mean, once I pick a puzzle up, I can't put it down until it's solved. I think puzzles are why I went into medicine. That's what most of medicine is. Gather all available information, assess the problem, you focus your attention, and you solve the puzzle. People are a harder puzzle. There's never one right answer and you never have all of the information.
    Maggie: You have a genome lab here?
    Jo: We did. The board just voted...
    Miranda: We do, and I still have a set of keys. And if the board has a problem with that, you have them come talk to me, and I'll tell them what hole they can push that through!
    (Bailey walks off.)
    Maggie: Was she bringing the thunder or did we just piss her off?
    Jo: Dr. Bailey doesn't need to bring anything. She is the thunder.
    Richard: Amelia Shepherd, do you know Dr. Maggie Pierce?
    Maggie: Weird, you're the second Dr. Shepherd I've met today.
    Amelia: Derek is my brother.
    Maggie:: I'm sorry. Is everyone in this room somehow related?
    (Amelia looks at Maggie and Webber and laughs.)
    Amelia: I'm gonna leave you two alone. Nice meeting you.
    Owen: Dr. Pierce, Dr. Bailey told me you ordered an exome panel for her patient.
    Miranda: They caught me. And I threw you under the bus. Sorry.
    Jackson: Yeah, Dr. Bailey's genome-research program has been discontinued.
    Maggie: You know, I heard that. And I have to say, I think it's stupid. Genome mapping is like getting the answers in the back of the book. It is the key to so many medical solutions. Closing that program makes your board look like a bunch of morons.
    Miranda: Have you met Dr. Avery?
    Maggie: Yeah, plastics, right?
    Owen: Dr. Avery is also a voting member on the board.
    Maggie: Of course you are.
    Maggie: [ending voice over] Most puzzles come down to one last piece of information missing. Whether it's the answer to a medical mystery, it all comes down to that last piece. That's why the final piece of a jigsaw puzzle is so satisfying to place. Unless of course, the piece doesn't quite fit. That can make you wish you never opened the puzzle in the first place.

### Got to Be Real [11.03]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] On an operating table, a person is at his most vulnerable. Naked. Exposed. Skin is not a very tough armor. It's soft, easily broken.
    Meredith: She's, like, psycho, like a stalker. I'm being stalked. Alex, this is criminal. I mean, you... What's your problem?
    Alex: Get out! I'm naked here!
    Meredith: Okay, so what? I've seen it before! No big deal! I'm in crisis! Okay, fine. It's... Your junk is spectacular. Jo is a very lucky girl.
    Jo: He's in the shower, and she's in the bathroom with him while he's in the shower.
    Stephanie: So, go in there with them.
    Jo: No! I am not going in there.
    Stephanie: You're the girlfriend.
    Jo: No. Yeah, I am, but I'm not. They're this little team together. They are war buddies, and I don't fit. And then they look at me... Well, she looks at me... like I'm just the stupid, naked girl in Alex's bed.
    Stephanie: So go be the stupid, naked girl in Alex's shower.
    Jo: I am a doctor. I am a surgeon. I deserve respect.
    Stephanie: You're a girl in her pajamas with her ear to the door of a bathroom. How much respect can anyone give you right now?
    Meredith: [ending voice over] Surgeons are bred to be invulnerable. It's very hard to lay ourselves bare, because we know exactly how deep some injuries can go. But vulnerability isn't the opposite of strength. It's a necessary part. We have to force ourselves to open up, to expose ourselves. To offer up everything we have and just pray that it's good enough. Otherwise, we'll never succeed.

### Only Mama Knows [11.04]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] This is how my mother wanted to be remembered. My memory of her is a little bit different. I'm sure everyone remembers their own version of her. Versions I wouldn't even recognize. It's all that's really left of someone when they're gone. But that's the tricky thing. Nobody's memory is perfect or complete. We jumble things up. We lose track of time. We are in one place and another. And it all feels like one long, inescapable moment. It's just like my mother used to say: The carousel never stops turning.
    Richard: I lied to you before... About what happened that day at the carousel. I remember what she said. I remember what I said. I remember everything. It was a Thursday afternoon. We had made a pact. She would leave Thatcher, and I would leave Adele. Your mother had just received her first Harper Avery nomination. She was so excited. And I was... jealous. Not like healthy competition. A hateful, hopeless jealousy, too far ahead to catch up to. Her success illuminated everything I hadn't yet accomplished. The night before, as I worked up the nerve to tell Adele, I thought of your mother. I thought of what she could do at such a young age. I thought of what she would do. And I thought: "I will spend my life feeling like this, my entire life." So I ruined it.
    Ellis: I was the only woman on my surgical residency program, they called me "girl" and "Ms. Grey". Along with the one black male resident I was clearly excluded. They didn't want me to be part of a group of males. So I did the only audacious thing that you can do with an audacious technique. I got myself published on the major american medical magazine, that caused an apbold, a resident was published. But the most audacious thing came when they saw how I named my technique "The Grey's method". You should have listened to the boy's reaction.
The first time I won the Harper Avery, I dedicated it to the men who'd been so supportive. No, I wished. But I'm just kidding. The first time I won the Harper Avery, I thought, "screw all those boys." I stood there, holding that trophy, and I thought to all that I sacrificed, what I had to just overcome. And I dedicated that award to all the women surgeons who would come after me.
    [ending voice over]
    Meredith: They say we can repress our memories. I wonder if we're just keeping them safe somewhere. Because no matter how painful they are, they are our most valuable possessions.
    Ellis Grey: Our lives are built on our mistakes as much as our successes.
    Meredith: They made us who we are.

### Bend & Break [11.05]

    Arizona: [opening voice over] Uncontrollable bleeding. Acidosis. Cold. We all know what the combination means. We call it the triad of death. The point of no return. It's the moment in the OR where you turn to damage control. You stop. You step back. You let the body rest and see if you find a solution to the chaos that's happening inside.
    Callie: Good man in the storm. What's so "good man in the storm" about a break?
    Meredith: "How was your day, Meredith? Did you cure death today, Meredith? When are you gonna cure death, Meredith?"
    Callie: Oh, God.
    Meredith: "I could have cured death if you let me move to D.C. and work for the president."
    Callie: So I'm bisexual! So what? It's a thing, and it's real.I mean it's called LGBTQ for a reason. There's a "B" in there, and it doesn't mean "badass". Okay, it kind of does, but it also means bi.
    Meredith: My mom and the Chief were doing it all over the hospital.
    Callie: Mnh-mnh.
    Meredith: All over the hospital, like me and Derek, cheating on Addison. I'm a legacy cheater.
    Callie: Mm. Maybe Sofia will be a legacy cheater. Everyone in this hospital's cheated on me. Every single person I have ever married has cheated on me... All, uh, two of them? Yeah. Come on.
    Callie: [ending voice over] Once the chaos subsides, we have to go back. Take another look. We have to ask ourselves: can this body be put back together? If we've done our jobs right, it can. We stop the bleeding. We sew up the damage. We make the body whole again. But no matter how hard we try, we have to realize some things just can't be fixed.

### Don't Let's Start [11.06]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] Trauma is messy. Chaotic. Looking at a body that's been reduced to a bloody pulp, it might seem difficult to know where to start. Luckily, some very clever person developed a protocol: the ABCs. Airway, breathing, circulation. The ABCs keep your patient alive so you can figure out how to tackle the rest of the mess. If only all of life's problems could be solved with an intubation tube.
    Derek: He's family, and this is one of the reasons why you didn't want to leave Seattle in the first place, remember? You have family here, roots.
    Meredith: Are you kidding me?!
    Derek: What?
    Meredith: I have to have dinner with the sister I don't know and the bio-dad she hates because you gave up your chance to work for Obama?! You're gonna play that card? Of course you are because you'll be playing that card until the end of freaking time!
    Derek: Time-out.
    Meredith: No, I am so sick of your passive-aggressive...
    Derek: Time-out. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I am just trying to help out here. I'm trying to help you, and I am trying to help them. I come from a big family. It's crazy, it's messy, but it's good, and I want that for you. I want you to have that. She's your sister, and he's practically your father. And Zola needs more black people in the family because I'm running out of ways to braid her hair and Bailey won't show me any more.
    Meredith: Fine.
    Meredith: [ending voice over] The ABCs of trauma are a handy tool for keeping a patient alive, but they're only a starting point. Once the patient's airway, breathing, and circulation are all clear and accounted for, the real work begins. The messy work. There's no telling how long it's gonna take to clean up that chaos once you've begun, because sometimes, you don't know what you're in for. You don't know exactly what you're about to face. You don't know what secrets the body in front of you holds and whether, by the time it's all over, if there's anything left worth saving.

### Could We Start Again, Please? [11.07]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] They say life doesn't give you second chances. But we do. Surgeons do. You break a bone, we put it back together. You bleed, we make it stop. You flatline, we resuscitate you. But as much as we give people second chances, surgeons don't usually get them, because the kind of mistakes we make, are sometimes impossible to recover from.
    Meredith: What's wrong with you?
    Callie: Uh... I was... I was up all night.
    Meredith: Me too.
    Callie: Ah, Sofia's been acting out, asking questions about me and Arizona, and I don't know what to tell her or how to tell her, so I'm just not sleeping. I'm miserable. Why didn't you sleep?
    Meredith: Oh, you don't want to know.
    Callie: What's going on?
    Meredith: Derek and I were up having sex all night.
    Callie: Yeah, I kind of didn't want to hear that.
    Derek: I don't know who I am anymore. Not anybody I ever thought I'd be. I try and make the right choices for Meredith, the kids, you. And, um... I'm angry all the time. I'm miserable, and I don't know what to do with it. All I do is hurt people. The last people I want to hurt, and I just... I just can't get control of it. I don't know what to do anymore.
    Amelia: I know how you feel. We call it rock bottom.
    Meredith: [ending voice over] It's hard to give second chances. It's even harder to ask for them. A chance to do it again, knowing what you know now, what you've learned. A chance to do it completely differently. A chance to right our wrongs, to try and correct our mistakes. A chance to try and start over, from scratch.

### Risk [11.08]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] Nobody's memory is perfect or complete. We jumble things up. We lose track of time. We're in one place, then another, and it all feels like one long, inescapable moment. It's just like my mother used to say: the carousel never stops turning.
    Alex: Look, I told you it's your house, too.
    Jo: Yeah, apparently, you say that to all the girls.
    Alex: Listen, that house was always open. Even when Mer hated me, I could be there. People went through their crap, they needed a place to be, they came there. You should understand that more than anybody. And as long as I'm the... It stays open, all right?
    Jo: All right.
    Alex: And come on. You in my bed and Meredith in my bed are two really different things.
    Jo: They better be.
    Meredith: Why don't you trust me?
    Derek: Of c... For God's sake, Meredith, of course I trust you.
    Meredith: Why did you call Richard today, for a second opinion? If that had been any other surgeon, Dr. Bailey, would you have done it?
    Derek: It was a surgical consult.
    Meredith: It doesn't matter whether it's a surgical consult or a code. You don't trust me and all you wanna do is fight me.
    Derek: I don't wanna fight with you but I'm not gonna compromise myself, Meredith, just because you think that...
    Meredith: Well, you've already done that, you've already compromised yourself and diminished yourself for me. I feel that, your pissiness, and your resentment, Derek.
    Derek: You know why? You know why I resent you? Because you've never had my back on this! Not since the day I told you I would stay. I told you that you and the kids were more important. You have been determined to prove me wrong, that this is the wrong choice.
    Meredith: I have proven it, because you can't be happy here. You diminish everyone around you!
    Derek: I did this for you! I gave up everything! For you!
    Meredith: There it is! "Everything". You gave up "everything". That was everything to you?
    Meredith: Derek, slow down.
    Derek: No. I'm done. I'm not gonna do this anymore, this constant battling.
    Meredith: I'm not battling, but I'm just not gonna let you just...
    Derek: You think I'm some sort of tyrant determined to keep you down.
    Meredith: You keep you down, and now I'm paying for it! And I don't know how to fix it. You should've just gone to D.C.!
    Derek: Is that what you want? Because that door is wide open!
    Meredith: It's what you want!
    Derek: Meredith, they offered me the job again. Today. I can take this job right now.
    Meredith: You should. Take it.
    (Derek calls Deborah.)
    Derek: Deborah, it's Dr. Shepherd. Glad I could catch you. It was great that you came by today. Please tell the President that I would be thrilled to accept the post. Yes, absolutely, we can talk more then. I look forward to it. I will see you soon. (He hangs up the phone.)
    Meredith: Good. Go.
    Derek: Oh, I'm going.
    Meredith: No, I mean it. Go now. Go.
    Meredith: [ending voice over] Nobody's memory is perfect or complete. We jumble things up. We lose track of time. We are in one place... then another and it all feels like one long, inescapable moment. So, what does it mean? What do we take away? Which pieces will haunt us? Hurt us? End us? Inspire us? It's just like my mother used to say, the carousel never stops turning. You can't get off.

### Where Do We Go From Here [11.09]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] When exposed to trauma, the body deploys its own defence system. From the first second the brain receives the signal that a catastrophe has happened, the blood rushes to the organs that need help the most. Blood floods into the muscles, the lungs, the heart, the brain. The brain makes a decision for the rest of the body. Either face the danger or run away. It's a mechanism designed to protect the body from harm. From knowing that what has happened might be irreparable, we call it 'shock'.
    Owen: Have you talked to Cristina? I presume you guys talk all the time, especially now.
    Meredith: Yeah, we usually get on the phone Friday nights for me, Saturday mornings for her, pour drinks, settle in.
    Owen: So, today's Friday. You gonna call her today?
    Meredith: Yeah, I've missed the... Last couple.
    Owen: Why?
    Meredith: Well, before she left, she said something about Derek and I, and... She was right. And I don't want her to be right.
    Nicole: Robbins, you don't ever walk out of an OR In the middle of a procedure, ever.
    Arizona: You have a shot! You have a chance! And it may be small and it may be risky, but it's a chance. A chance that my friends would give anything to have, and you're ignoring it. You're wasting it.
    Meredith: [ending voice over] When shock wears off, when the body can accept that a trauma has happened, when it can let down its defenses, it's a scary moment. It's vulnerable. The shock response had protected us, and it just might have saved us.

### The Bed's Too Big Without You [11.10]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] They found this guy in Maine who had been living completely alone in the woods for 30 years, they called him the last true hermit. 30 years without the warmth of human touch, without conversation. The hermit felt more lonely when he was out in the world than he ever felt in the woods by himself. Surrounded by people but drowning in solitude.
    Meredith: Hey! I texted you.
    Alex: Yeah, I saw that. I was busy.
    Meredith: Well, Cristina would've responded. That's not how it works.
    Alex: Not if she was doing what I was doing.
    Meredith: You pause. That's the rule.
    Alex: What?
    Meredith: If the text is urgent, Cristina would say to Owen, "pause," and I would say to Derek, "pause," then we'd text each other back.
    Alex: In the middle of sex?
    Meredith: If the the text is urgent.
    Alex: The fact you are checking a text while you're doing it is already sad.
    Meredith: We had a special ringtone. Hey, you want a special ringtone?
    Alex: No. Wait, this pause thing... Like, your legs are in the air and you're screaming and...
    Meredith: Pause.
    Alex: No, I don't pause. Jo doesn't pause. She fast-forwards and she rewinds, but she doesn't pause.
    Meredith: Okay, that's gross.
    April: (to Jackson and her mother Karen) You are not helping, neither of you. I am standing here, listening to you tell me that God only gives me one choice, and you telling me that I should forgo God's choice. And the truth is, I don't know anything expect that I am scared and sad and I'm alone. You're both just standing there, yelling at each other and talking at me, but I am alone, and it is terrifying! And the louder you get, the more terrified I become, so I just need you both to just shut up! Can you do that? Can you please... Can you please both just shut up?!
    Meredith: He's gone, and I know he's gone. And the bed feels lonely. It's like I don't know how to sleep alone.
    Amelia: You don't. I mean, before three months ago, any time I called your house or came over or skyped or whatever, Cristina was there. There's no way you ever slept alone. I mean, you had Derek. And if you didn't have Derek, you had Cristina. I'm guessing if it came down to it, you were, like, the middle spoon in the middle of a very weird spooning situation. I've never met a less alone person than you u...
    Meredith: Used to be. I have to learn to sleep alone.
    Miranda: Ben snores. And he sometimes talks in his sleep. And he's hot. Like a furnace. Like flames shootin' out of him. He's lucky I love him. And he's a resident and hardly home at night. Or he'd be dead.
    Amelia: I miss sleeping with a man in my bed. You know, facing away from each other, barely touching expect for just the arm thrown over your waist. When I'd wake up at night, terrified of... me, I liked knowing he was there and I wasn't by myself.
    Maggie: I cannot sleep with someone lying next to me. Literally cannot. My one serious guy? Dean. Dean just loved to spoon and snuggle, and I would just lie there, staring up silently, counting the seconds until he would fall asleep and I could sneak off to sleep on the sofa. And then I'd sneak back into bed before he woke up in the morning. Yeah, people think that's a cute story. It's not a cute story. That sofa was hard as a rock. I was exhausted. Dean is a really sweet guy. He's tall and kind. Civil rights lawyer. He's funny. So when he proposed, I explained to him about the sleeping. I said, "you know, maybe you could sleep in a room down the hall." I wanted to sleep alone.
    Amelia: And what happened?
    Maggie: Well, he is now married to someone who loves to spoon and snuggle. And I sleep like a baby every night. I might be too good at being alone.
    Meredith: Maybe I could print a Derek. Just for sleeping.
    Callie: She was really pretty. The woman. At the bar. With the nice transducers. I'm not ready.
    Owen: You gotta start sometime.
    Callie: Owen, the last woman that I kissed in that bar, I ended up marrying.
    Owen: Well, maybe just take the next one home then.
    Callie: Uh...
    Owen: Right?
    Callie: Shut up. Hey, you're not ready either.
    Owen: You know, I can't even imagine it. It's sex. Sure, you know, I've gone out and had one-night stands before. But... I don't know. I can't... Something real? I pulled that icicle out of her chest. Hell, I bathed her when she couldn't bathe herself. I can't imagine belonging to anyone like that again.
    Callie: Have we used up all our happy? You ever afraid of that, that this is all there is now? It's like I had a certain amount of happy that was supposed to last my whole life, and I've used it all up. Do you think that's true?
    Owen: God, I hope not.
    Meredith: [ending voice over] The last true hermit was found and dragged out of hiding and into the world. Most might find his existence sad but the hermit knew something we didn't. He knew that when it comes down to it, even when you’re with someone or in the noisy rush of people, it’s just you. The one you can count on and lean on and depend on. It has to be you and once you figure that out, being alone becomes a choice.

### All I Could Do Was Cry [11.11]

    April: [opening voice over] There's a thing we say when someone dies. We say it to the patients's family. We say, 'I'm sorry for your loss.' It's a pat little phrase and an empty one. It doesn't begin to cover what's actually happening to them. It lets us empathize without forcing us to feel their devastation ourselves. It protects us from feeling that pain, that dark, sinking, relentless pain. The kind that can eat you alive. And every day, I thank God for that.
    Stephanie: I wished horrible things for them, Jo. Jackson left me for her, and I wished them misery and fights and breakups. I mean, I'd see them sitting together in the cafeteria, and I'd wish them food poisoning. Then I found this.
    Jo: You would never have wished them this. You know that. If you hadn't have found it, somebody else would have. It wouldn't have changed anything. It's not on you. If anything, it just means that you're a good doctor.
    Stephanie: Okay. I'm gonna go make a blind man see.
    Alex: Hey, uh, did Yang ever watch Meredith's kids? (sees Owen's face) See, I knew it. Mer's full of crap. I don't have to babysit for her.
    Owen: No, no, she did. Cristina would take Zola. She'd take her home. And then when the diaper blew out, she'd hold her up to me like a bag of medical waste. Cristina would study. She'd eat all of Zola's snacks. And I would be the one down on the floor playing with blocks, so yes and no.
    Alex: What are you doing this weekend?
    Owen: I'd do it for Cristina, I'm not doing it for you.
    April: [ending voice over] We can't get too close. If we felt even little of the joy and the hopes that our patients are saying goodbye to, we'd never be able to function. So we say, 'We're sorry for your loss.' and we hope it offers something. Some little bit of support. Some bit of peace. Some bit of closure. Something good. Some little piece of beauty in the midst of some place dark. An unexpected gift, just when it's needed most.

### The Great Pretender [11.12]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] Everybody has something to hide. We can't just expose all our secrets to the world. That's how we get hurt. That's how we risk hurting other people. We have to decide how much we let out and keep the truth to ourselves.
    Arizona: Wilson just barged in and stole my shower. Edwards, does she always walk around naked?
    Stephanie: Not around the hospital, generally.
    Arizona: It's like "residents gone wild"!
    Owen: Is this the attendings' lounge couch?
    Nicole: It was.
    Owen: Dr. Herman, please stop making me be this guy. You can't just steal hospital furniture.
    Nicole: I need this couch. This is the best couch in the building. It's firm, but soft. Bouncy. Responsive. Would you like to try it out?
    Owen: Well, um... I think that's, um... I... appreciate the, um, offer, but I...
    Nicole: Uh, Hunt. I'm messing with you.
    Meredith: [ending voice over] It's scary to reveal everything about ourselves. Fear makes us hold ourselves back. Is that so wrong? Maybe. Probably. But still. It helps to be a little sneaky, a little protective. It's not safe to just blurt out all of your secrets. We can't just lay all the truth out there. Expose ourselves to God and everybody. 'Cause once the truth is out, we have to face it ourselves.

### Staring at the End [11.13]

    Dr. Herman: [opening voice over] I don't like questions without any answers. Like, where do we go when we die? I mean, I know what happens physiologically speaking, but beyond that, what really happens? Anything? That's what you start asking yourself when you live on a clock. All these questions without any answers. They drive you nuts. That's why I like what I do. Fixing babies. Birthing babies. No ambiguity there. No questions, just answers. Clear, precise, obvious answers. And life, beautiful, new life. Hope for the future. God, I miss that.
    Owen: You can talk to me. You're wound pretty tight. I just want you to know you can talk to me.
    Amelia: My whole career, I have been the other Dr. Shepherd. He's the real one. I'm the other one. Right now, this plan of mine is theoretical. It's just talk. But at some point, I am going to slice into Dr. Herman's brain, and I have this sick feeling that when I face that tumor, I will discover that I am not just the other Dr. Shepherd... I'm the wrong Dr. Shepherd.
    Stephanie: Have you called your brother?
    Amelia: What did I say about my brother?
    Stephanie: I know. You don't need him. I was just thinking you could, just to have someone to bounce these ideas off of who understands this kind of thing the way that you do, a peer. He might have a suggestion.
    Amelia: I do not need my brother! I am not stuck! I am thinking! I am figuring it out! I am right on the edge of figuring it out, of making the breakthrough of a lifetime! I am this close! My genius is flying around this room right now, trying to find a clear path to land on me, but I can't clear the runway for landing because I can't find any quiet because some idiot resident keeps talking to me! (sees Stephanie is hurt.) I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean it. I'm tired, and I'm frustrated. I... I am so sorry. I just... This tumor is making me crazy, Edwards.
    Stephanie: As bad as you want to get that tumor, that's as bad as I want to watch you get that tumor. You're tired and frustrated and terrified, but guess what. I don't give a damn. You're supposed to be my mentor. You are my mentor. I believe in you, I look up to you, I want to be you. That's an enormous responsibility, so don't call me names. And stop pouting because you don't understand what to do. Be worthy of being believed in, of being looked up to. Or if you can't actually be worthy, if I am actually wasting my time, if there is nothing about you that is special or wise, for God's sake, at least have the decency to pretend that there is. Get it together, Dr. Shepherd.
    Dr. Herman: [ending voice over] I never placed much value in wondering about an afterlife. My concern was always this life. What would I do with it? How would I make my mark? I wanted to break new ground. I wanted to leave a legacy. I wanted my life, my brain, my existence to mean something. The thing I never really thought about though, the thing I never really wrapped my brain around until now was, in order to be remembered, in order to leave something significant behind, you have to leave.

### The Distance [11.14]

    Amelia: [opening voice over] In 1888, William Williams Keen became one of the first surgeons to successfully remove a brain tumor. A big win. It's true. You can look it up. What's harder to find, however, are stories of all the times old Double Billy K tried to pull a tumor out of a brain and lost. The losses must have happened. A surgeon must always be prepared to lose. And in neurosurgery, with the big tumors. We lose those battles as often as we succeed. The key, though, win or lose, is to never fail. And the only way to fail is not to fight. So you fight until you can't fight anymore. Hold up your head and enter the arena and face the enemy. Fight until you can't fight anymore. Never let go. Never give up. Never run. Never surrender. Fight the good fight. Even when it seems inevitable that you're about to go down swinging.
    Arizona: Stop it right now! You're right, Dr. Bailey. I am not Dr. Herman. I am Dr. Robbins and I am the fetal surgeon here. And I have chosen to do this procedure and there was a point at which you could no longer be on board, but that point is long gone. I'm in the middle of a woman's uterus and any slip I might make could result in catastrophic blood loss. And if I slip, it will be because you were screaming in my ear and not because I don't know what I'm doing. You either need to get on board and shut up or you need to get the hell out.
    Richard: Dr. Shepherd.
    Amelia: Dr. Webber. What do you need?
    Richard: I thought I could help, maybe be a sounding board. We could work through whatever it is you're stuck on.
    Amelia: Kill the intercom, please. Dr. Webber, step over here, please. Edwards, would you mind taking a step back? (to Webber) You can be a big help. I need you to call my brother, tell him he needs to get on a plane. He's in DC, so if he goes now, he can be here in what, six hours, seven?
    Richard: I'm not sure that's the best idea.
    Amelia: I am in over my head. I made a mistake. I took on an impossible task and my hubris is going to kill her. Please. Get him on the phone. Get him on a plane. Get him here. Now.
    Richard: You have it in your head that he's better than you, but it isn't true. I've seen him standing exactly where you are now, staring at an impossible spinal tumor, terrified, unsure where to go next.
    Amelia: I know that tumor. They've got it hanging on their bedroom wall. Not the actual tumor.
    Richard: He found a way.
    Amelia: Yes. Which is why I need him here.
    Richard: Shepherd, I can tell you right now what would happen if I called your brother. He would hop on a plane and seven or eight hours from now, if she hadn't already herniated, Derek would come in here and he would take this surgery, your surgery, away from you and then he would kill her because this is your plan.
    Amelia: [ending voice over] Why do we even try, when the barriers are so high and the odds are so low? Why don't we just pack it in and go home? It'd be so, so much easier. It's because in the end there's no glory in easy. No one remembers easy. They remember the blood, and the bones, and the long agonizing fight to the top. And that is how you become legendary.

### I Feel the Earth Move [11.15]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] Your kids. Your keys. Your family photo album. It's the list you repeat in your head before you fall asleep. It's the short list of things you'd grab in case of disaster. The list makes you feel in control. Your kids. Your keys. Your family photo album. When the fire starts, when the tsunami hits, when the earth literally quakes, do you remember your list? Or do you just duck and cover?
    Miranda: Oh, you had to dive on top of me?
    Ben: I was being your human shield. I was protecting you.
    Miranda: Oh, do I strike you as a woman who needs protecting?
    Ben: You're right. All right. Next time, I'm gonna use you as my human shield.
    Meredith: I have an entire world to manage, all on my own. My world does not and should not revolve around Derek Shepherd. I wanted to go to D.C. this weekend, but I'm a busy surgeon with two kids at home, and he's at the N.I.H. So right now, we're just going to have to accept that this is the way our lives work. But that doesn't mean we're not happy.
    Alex: All right, fine. You have a happy marriage. With no husband in it.
    Meredith: I don't need Derek. I don't need him in my house. I obviously don't need him to prove I can have 89 good outcomes in a row. I'm doing great. My kids are happy. My career is soaring. Derek going to D.C. did exactly what it was supposed to do, which is remind me of who I am outside of my marriage, which, by the way, I'm kind of amazing.
    Alex: Okay.
    Meredith: But that doesn't mean that I don't want to share it with him. I want to tell him that I'm... We're on a streak.
    Woman: (answering Derek's phone) Hello?
    Meredith: Hi. Is he in the lab?
    Woman: What?
    Meredith: I know this is Derek Shepherd's phone. Who is this? Who is this? Hello?
    Meredith: [ending voice over] That list of things you'd grab in a disaster, Your kids. Your keys. Your family photo album. That list goes out the window when the disaster starts with you wondering if this must be the woman who's been screwing your husband. That's a whole other earthquake.

### Don't Dream It's Over [11.16]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] We teach residents when you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras. It means that the most obvious answer is usually right. It keeps doctors from heading down the wrong path. It helps us stick to the truth. It helps us save lives. It's part of what makes me a good surgeon. When I hear hoofbeats, horses. I always think horses. Even when I shouldn't.
    Meredith: I called Derek.
    Alex: I'm laying here. I'm sleeping.
    Meredith: A woman answered his phone.
    Alex: There are two empty beds. Pick one.
    Maggie: One empty bed. I'm up here. A woman answered his phone?
    Alex: Whose phone?
    Meredith: Derek's phone.
    Maggie: What kind of woman?
    Alex: Doesn't matter.
    Meredith: It matters.
    Maggie: It matters.
    Meredith: She was perky, and she sounded happy and tall, with a lot of great hair.
    Alex: Hold. You saw her? How did you see her?
    Meredith: I didn't. I heard her voice, her perky, happy, tall voice.
    Maggie: I hate voices like that.
    Alex: You can tell by the voice?
    Maggie: What did Derek say?
    Meredith: I didn't talk to him. Now I keep going to voice-mail. My short, twisty, mad voice keeps going to voice-mail.
    Meredith: He left Addison when the marriage got hard, moved to Seattle, met me in a bar. What if he's doing the same thing now?
    Callie: (to Alex) Say something.
    Alex: Look, I've watched you two suck face for years. You've disgusted me for a long, long time. He's into you. And if a guy's still into you, it still means he wants to do you. And if he still wants to do you, you're solid.
    Maggie: I don't know you as well as everyone else here, but I really need to tell you to stop talking now.
    Alex: Didn't want to say anything in the first place.
    Callie: Mer, I lived down the hall from you guys. I've heard the sex noises. I've seen the drama and the tears. And there's no way that Derek's... Look, you and Derek are living proof that love exists, that it works, that there is hope. You guys are a freaking romance novel. And I, for one, am rooting for you two. Team MerDer!
    Alex: I'm not saying that.
    Miranda: Come on, don't you remember what it was like to be a resident and have all of this death around you be new, terrifying? Why do you think they care so much about this stupid streak? Death is scary. They just want to believe that there's somebody out there who can defy it.
    Meredith: [ending voice over] Things are not always what they appear to be. They are often an indicator of something bigger going on. Deep underneath. Symptoms, Red Flags, Warning signs, things we should pay attention to. Things we shouldn't ever ignore. Things that are bad. Things that could really hurt us. Things that it might just be too late to fix.

### With or Without You [11.17]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] There's this thing I used to do when I was a kid, to my mother's VCR. I'd take it apart, piece by piece, then put it back together again. But inevitably, there was always a piece or two left over, something I didn't quite know what to do with. So what do you do with that piece? Do you try to fit it back in? Do you try to make it work? Or do you decide you can live without that missing piece?
    Miranda: Bribery, Edwards? You think bribery is an appropriate standard of practice in this hospital, bribing for surgeries?
    Stephanie: I don't know what you're talking about.
    Miranda: You tried to bribe your way onto that surgery down there.
    Stephanie: Warren. Sleeping with the enemy.
    Miranda: You demean yourself, and you demean medicine.
    Stephanie: I'm sorry. And it doesn't matter, anyway. It didn't work.
    Miranda: $50? $50. Do you know how much a full ear replantation would have gone for in my day? $100, easy. $120, even, plus two weeks of night call. You add in inflation, you should have offered him $175, at least. $50. We can't even go to dinner for $50.
    Meredith: I'm mad at you.
    Alex: No, you're not.
    Meredith: I am.
    Alex: No, you're mad at Derek. You want to take it out on me, go on. You want to yell and hit and scream 'cause things are hard at home, okay. You want to be a mess, be a mess. I don't care. I can take it.
    Derek: I am calling post-it. Zola and Bailey and tumors on the walls and ferry boat scrub caps. I thought D.C. was everything. And I was wrong. You... You. You're everything. I love you, and I'm not gonna stop loving you. Meredith, I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you. And I'm gonna do everything in my power to prove it.
    Meredith: I can live without you. But I don't want to. I don't ever want to.
    Meredith: [ending voice over] When we go without certain things long enough, it's easy to forget just how much we need them. We forget what we had once. We forget what it's like to live with a thing, not that we need, but that we want. That's why it's so important for us to remind ourselves, for us to remember, just because we can live without something, it doesn't mean we have to.

### When I Grow Up [11.18]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] Picture the life you dreamed of living. The person you pictured being with. Picture the job you dreamed you'd have. Are you living the life you envisioned for yourself? Are you who you wanted to be when you grew up?
    Meredith: You know those very happy, cheerful people who have everything and when the fact that they have everything comes up, they act very humble and they say, "I'm just so blessed." Those people... you want to punch those people in the face.
    Maggie: Yes. I do know those people.
    Meredith: Yeah, I'm one of those people now.
    Maggie: Okay.
    Meredith: This morning, I was standing on my porch of my perfect house looking in the window at my amazing, perfect children and my amazing, gorgeous husband, on the way to my amazing job. And I thought to myself, "I have everything I've ever wanted. I am just so blessed."
    Maggie: I really wanna pummel your face in right now.
    Meredith: Right, I would beat myself up. Except I'm too tired from...
    Maggie: Were you about to say that you're exhausted from all the great sex you're having?
    Meredith: I am just so blessed.
    Maggie: I'm gonna walk away from you now.
    Derek: [to Amelia] Did Mom tell you I went to go see her? She said I was tired and miserable, which I was. Told me to get it together. She said: “Derek, take a good, hard look at your life. If it’s not working, shut up and fix it.”
    Derek: Amy, I've been missing out on everything in my life. I mean, I'm watching my kids grow up on a computer. I don't want to miss my family. I don't want to miss another second. I want to coach soccer, go to ballet recitals. I don't need to change the world. Clipping aneurysms, stopping bleeds... that's the fun. That's changing the world with our hands. When did that stop being enough? Saving someone's life? That's more than enough.
    Amelia: I'm glad you're back.
    Derek: Me too.
    Amelia: I think I'm falling in love with Owen Hunt. And I'm really afraid that it's gonna destroy me.
    Derek: It wouldn't be love if it didn't.
    Amelia: Ever since you've been back, you guys have been reconnecting. Vigorously. You should have built thicker walls.
    Derek: You okay?
    Amelia: What do you mean?
    Derek: I didn't want to ask you, and I'm not supposed to big-brother you. And you don't need me to. There was a robbery, two shootings, and you declared two men dead. I kept thinking about Dad. I wanted to know if you're okay.
    Amelia: I'm happy for you. That you're back. That you're making it work. That you're not running.
    Derek: What do you mean, "running"?
    Amelia: Hey, I am not judging. We are runners. I ran from my engagement. You ran from Addison. I think, after Dad, if something scares us, we sprint fast as we can. But you turned around this time. That's something. I'm inspired.
    Meredith: [ending voice over] Open your eyes. Take a good look around you. How's the view? Do you like what you see? Think back again to when you were little. Are you living the life you pictured for yourself? Or are you still dreaming of something even bigger?

### Crazy Love [11.19]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] Love. Neuroscience tells us it activates the same parts of the brain as habit-forming addiction. It makes us feel like we can do anything, be anything, achieve anything. And once we taste it, we want more.
    Derek: I'll be back soon. You know that.
    Meredith: I know. I know. I just feel like I just got you back, and now you're going again, and I just have to stay here.
    Derek: You're right. You do. You have to. Stay here. Don't move. Wait for me.
    Amelia: I moved here to start something, to build a new life. You don't know me... Not really. You don't know where I've been or what I've had to overcome, because you have never had to. You've never lost the love of your life. You have never cried over the body of the person you love most in this world. You... You don't know how that messes a person up. You've never had to claw your way back from that. But I have. I'm still trying to pull myself together, and I am doing the very best that I can, so... Until you've done that, until you've had to walk in my shoes, I need you to cut me some slack... And back the hell off.
    Miranda: Not long after I discovered my ex-husband had been e-mailing another woman, we met for breakfast. That was a big breakfast... Stacks of pancakes, eggs, and all kinds of fancy jams he thought would somehow make it okay that he was e-mailing another woman while he was married to me. Hmm. I remember staring at the butter knife I used to spread my fancy jam, and for half a second, imagined what the side of his neck might look like with the butter knife in it. Fancy jams dripping down the side of his fat, e-mail, cheating neck. Yep, I've been that mad.
    Meredith: I thought Derek was cheating on me, and I got that mad. "Two trauma surgeons and an orthopod" kind of mad.
    Callie: Hmm. No comment.
    Arizona: You know, cutting off a penis isn't actually that big of a deal. I mean, it's not like he needs it for survival or to think or, like, I don't know, to walk. (they all look at her) What? Hey, it's my leg. And, you know... And for the record, I only thought about maiming you once, Callie, and I told you that the second I thought it.
    Callie: Thank you?
    Miranda: Look, the difference is, we may think about it, but we don't actually dismember our spouses.
    Ben: Good to know.
    Meredith: [ending voice over] The thing about love is, when it's good, it's so very good, and when it's bad, it hurts so much. And if you can't find a way to balance all those ups and down, it will make you crazy.

### One Flight Down [11.20]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] A surgical residency is all about training for the worst. But, as prepared as we might be, we usually don’t see disaster coming. We can try to envision the worst-case scenario, to foresee catastrophe. But, when true disaster strikes, it often comes out of nowhere. And when the worst really does happen, we find ourselves completely blindsided.
    Arizona: Why didn't you tell me?
    Callie: Hmm?
    Arizona: About Alex and my leg.
    Callie: Freaking Karev.
    Arizona: Don't be mad at him.
    Callie: He's an idiot. I was trying to protect him, but why did he have to...
    Arizona: All this time, you let me hold it against you. I... why?
    Callie: I made the call. I mean, no matter what, it was still me making the call to take your leg, and I knew that you were going to hate me. I didn't want you to hate Alex, too. I wanted you to have somebody.
    Arizona: Thank you.
    Miranda: Dr. Grey, do you need to be replaced?
    Meredith: No. I'm fine.
    Miranda: No, you're not fine. You're distracted. You and Derek went down in a plane. You drowned. He got shot. You gave birth in a power outage.
    Meredith: Is this supposed to make me feel better?
    Miranda: I'm just saying, you have every reason to be distracted, every reason to think the sky is falling. Do you need to go?
    Meredith: No!
    Miranda: Okay, well, how long can you go without hearing from him before you absolutely go crazy?
    Meredith: I don't know. I... 6:00, 6:30, maybe.
    Miranda: Okay, then, let's say 5:00. At 5:00 P.M., if you haven't heard from him, you can panic. You can call the police, call the paramedics. You can freak out until your little heart's content. But not one minute before and not in this O.R.
    (flashback)
    Derek: You know, remember ages ago, you and I had a really big fight? And I told you, I said, "you're like coming up for fresh air. Like I was drowning, and you saved me." I still feel that way when I see you, what we have, our family. That's the feeling. It's you. It's always been you. And I want more. Of this, of us, of... I want to have more. Let's have more. I mean it.
    Meredith: You're crazy.
    Derek: That's not a no.
    Meredith: Another baby?
    Derek: Sure.
    Meredith: Uh, seriously?
    Derek: I'm completely serious.
    April: So, I've heard you tell this story six different ways today, and each time, the plane seems to be getting closer. I'm pretty sure, the next time it'll end with, "and then I died."
    Richard: I think you're missing the point here.
    April: I guarantee I am.
    Richard: Maybe I didn't exactly die back there, but I sure as hell could have. I did look up from my car today. I did see a plane coming toward me. And for a split second, I did find myself thinking, "maybe this is it. This is where it all ends on 37th street between a yarn shop and a falafel stand." I know what a near-death experience is, and this wasn't my first. And it's true. Your life flashes right before your eyes. And this morning, mine did. And suddenly, I saw how much I had. Catherine. This hospital, all of the people I've affected, all the people who've affected me. And let me tell you. It scared the hell out of me. Because the minute you see all the things you have, you see all the things that you stand to lose. Look, maybe I did embellish the story some. I mean, that's human nature, I guess. But right now, I'm taking stock of what I have, and I'm feeling pretty grateful.
    Owen: This is not about you! Everything isn't about you!
    Amelia: Then what is it?!
    Owen: There was a plane crash.
    Amelia: Yes.
    Owen: Not the one today. I'm talking about the plane that had Meredith and Derek and Arizona and Mark and Lexie and... Cristina. I put them on that plane. I signed the requisition for the airline. I paid for it. I was in charge. I don't care how long I've been out of the service. It was my watch, and they were my men. And I failed them. It was my fault. So, when something like this happens today, it brings it all back up. There was a plane crash.
    Amelia: Owen...
    Owen: And I won't survive another plane crash, Amelia. And that's all we are.
    Meredith: [ending voice over] Why do bad things happen to good people? We ask that question so often, it's become a cliché, but that's because bad things do happen to good people constantly. You just have to hope that when it's your turn, you'll know what to do, how to cope, how to persevere. But the truth is, you don't know how you'll react to your worst-case scenario. None of us do. Not until it happens.

### How to Save a Life [11.21]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] When I was five, my mom lost me in a park. I don’t remember much except one minute I was riding the carousel and then the next, she was gone. I don’t remember how I found her. I don’t remember how I got home. All I remember is what happened next. She told me not to worry. She told me everything would be fine. Funny, isn’t it? The way memory works. The things you can’t quite remember, and the things you never forget. The carousel never stops turning.
    Meredith: Okay, Zo-Zo, walk a little faster 'cause we are late. And who can never be late?
    Zola: Surgeons.
    Meredith: What happens if surgeons are late?
    Zola: People die.
    Meredith: Right on, sister.
    Derek: It's a beautiful day to save lives.
    Winnie: What does that mean?
    Derek: It's just a thing that I say.
    Derek: Every kiss before the right kiss doesn't count anyway. I've kissed a lot of women. The first time I kissed my wife, well... I mean, she wasn't my wife then. She was just this girl in a bar. And when we kissed, it... it was like... I gotta tell you, it was like I never kissed any other woman before. It was like the first kiss. The right kiss.
    Winnie: Derek?
    Derek: (thinking) Winnie... You shouldn't be in here.
    Winnie: I know you're not dead. Know how I know? 'Cause I can feel your pulse, which means your heart is beating. Your heart is beating, which means you're not dead, okay? Hey. Eyes on me. You stay not dead, okay? It's a beautiful day to save lives, right? So you stay not dead.
    Paul: Ma'am? I thought that if this was a good time, I might take a moment to explain how this all works.
    Meredith: Where are the papers?
    Paul: Mrs. Shepherd, there's some things you need to know... some things we need to discuss. Difficult things.
    Meredith: I'm a doctor. Dr. Grey. I'm a surgeon, just like my husband was. I know how this works. You've waited the requisite number of hours, and now you can officially declare him dead. Normally, you'd talk to me about organ donation. But by the looks of his chart, there's not much left that works to donate. So, the ICU needs a bed. Those must be the papers... the papers you want me to sign to decide what to do with my husband... Now that he's dead, but not really dead. Do we ship him off to a long-term-care facility and cross our fingers and hope for fairy tales and magic? Or do I pull the plug? And stop all curative intervention? Discontinue all routine monitoring, remove all the catheters, drains, and tubes, end any and all treatments that might provide comfort to the patient. Terminate all life-sustaining measures... and behave as any sane doctor would behave. Does that about cover it, doctor? Is that what you want to talk to me about... while I sit here with my sleeping children? You want to talk about killing my husband? Give me the papers.
    Paul: Ma'am...
    Meredith: Give me the papers!
    Penny: I'm so sorry. I know that that's useless to you right now. But I am. He saved all those people. And it was my job... to save him. And I failed. And now... He's gonna die... Because I was not a good enough doctor... to keep him alive.
    Meredith: Yeah, you're right. You did fail. You weren't good enough. But do you know what tomorrow is? It's Friday. There's gonna be more patients who come in who need you to save them... someone's mother, someone's kid, someone's husband. They need you to save them because they can't save themselves. So learn from this, better yourself, and you will be better for next time.
    Penny: What if I'm not?
    Meredith: You will be.
    Penny: How can you know that?
    Meredith: Because he was your one. Every patient you treat, you're going to see my husband's face and remember that he was the one that died on your watch. He will haunt you. The hard ones always do. And it only takes that one. But that one will make you work harder, and they make you better. Or they make you quit, and you don't get to waste what would have been the rest of my husband's life being a quitter. So get back inside because you're not saving any lives out here.
    Penny: I really am so...
    Meredith: Yeah, I know. I know.

### She's Leaving Home (Part 1 and Part 2) [11.22]

    Amelia: Who died?
    Owen: Amelia...
    Amelia: I know the face. I've been here before. Everyone thinks they are the first person in the world to ever look at a human being like that, but... It's always the same face. Who is dead?
    Owen: Derek. It's Derek. I'm so, so sorry. It was an MVC accident, and he wanted to help.
    Amelia: I don't need the details. Dead is dead.
    Owen: I am so... So sorry. I wish there was something I could...
    Amelia: Thank you for telling me.
    Owen: Amelia, if there's anything I can...
    Amelia: I'm good. I've done this before. I know the drill. It's not a big deal.
    Amelia: I have a baggie full of black-market oxy in my coat pocket, and I'm trying to decide whether or not to take it. I've got the dead-Derek thing completely managed. I know people were worried. Since he died, everybody's been looking at me, waiting for me to fall apart or freak out or just become a mess. Like some bomb everyone thinks is supposed to go off. My mother was calling three, four times a day. Addison was calling... Everyone. It makes sense. It's natural. Every man I've ever loved has died. Including my baby. Thank you, universe. So, I should be, like... Greek tragedy, turned to stone, bat-crap crazy, but I'm good. I got this. I am fine. I'm telling you, I'm amazing. I am saving lives left and right. I am putting butts in the seats in that OR gallery. I mean, people are fighting to hear me lecture. I am entertaining. Joke, joke, joke! I'm funny! I'm fun! I'm a party! I'm doing... I'm great! I'm handling the dead Derek thing really well.
    Owen: Okay.
    Amelia: Except today, I yelled at Richard, who was only trying to invite me for coffee, and then I went and scored oxy from this junkie doctor.
    Owen: But you haven't taken any?
    Amelia: Not yet. But I might. That's the thing. I really actually might. I have been sober for 1,321 days, Owen. I was fine. It was managed. But I might.
    Owen: All this stuff you're... managing. You're not supposed to be managing it. You're supposed to be feeling it... Grief, loss, pain. It is normal.
    Amelia: It's not normal.
    Owen: It is. It is normal. It's not normal to you 'cause you've never done it. Instead of feeling it, feeling the grief and the pain, you've shoved it all down and you do drugs instead. Instead of moving through the pain, you run from it. You... Instead of dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid that this horrible, empty feeling is all there is, I run from it. I run off, and I sign up for another tour of active duty. We do these things. We run off, and we... we medicate. We do whatever it takes to cover it up and dull the sensation, but it's not normal. We're supposed to feel. We're supposed to love and hate... And hurt and grieve and break and... Be destroyed and... Rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again. That is human. That is humanity. That's... That's being alive. That's the point. That's the entire point. Don't... don't avoid it. Don't... Extinguish it.
    Amelia: Derek died. He died. I don't want to feel it. I... I don't think I can. I don't think I even want to... I can't. I can't. I can't do this. I can't.
    Owen: You have to. If you don't...
    Amelia: No, I can't. Shh, I can't do this!
    Owen: You have to. If you don't, that bag of oxy's not gonna be your last.
    (Amelia breaks down in his arms.)
    Owen: You're gonna be okay. You're gonna survive this, okay? Everybody does. It's perfectly normal. It's boring, even. It's so normal.
    Miranda: I love you too much! It's too much. Okay, my first husband. Okay, if he left, a piece of me always knew that I would be okay, and when he did leave, I was, but you... Ever since Derek died, I sit up in the middle of the night, gasping for air, terrified. I've been having these dreams that something happened to you. So, if something happened... I love you too much. Like, you are a piece of me. I love you. So... I need a plan. I need rules. I need some order, and I had just gotten used to your dumb miracle-man idea, and now you're telling me you want me to pull the plug, and I can't deal with that. I... Just order and, uh, some rules and a plan and some order in the middle of this, 'cause if I have to think about what could happen, it's too much.
    Ben: I promise... I promise that I will let you die first.
    Miranda: That is so wrong!
    Ben: Hey, I love you too much, too.
    [ending voice over]
    Ellis Grey: I have to believe there's a way. There has to be a way to step off the carousel. Start again. Start fresh. There has to be a way to leave all my ghosts behind. It's a choice. It's a choice I'm making. To move forward. To move past this. I can do that. I can do that.
    Meredith: All I have to do is begin.

### Time Stops [11.23]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] Time stops when you’re in the O.R. You step up to the table, you evaluate the patient, you pick up a scalpel, and then you go into a bubble. It’s just you and your surgery and nothing else matters; not time, not pain, not exhaustion, nothing. It happens in real life too. When something big happens, something tragic, you freeze, you retreat into your happy bubble for what seems like a second, until you look up. And suddenly, you realise it's a whole new world.
    Meredith: I'm sorry about leaving the patient there. I didn't want to leave him there, either. And I am sorry for not talking to you about the house.
    Amelia: You don't talk to me about a lot of things.
    Meredith: And you're mad at me for going away, and I am sorry about that.
    Amelia: That's not...
    Meredith: I mean, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't exist. You know, I looked around at that house, and my kids, our kids... I couldn't breathe.
    Amelia: You didn't call me.
    Meredith: I didn't call anyone. I needed time.
    Amelia: I am a neurosurgeon. I could have saved him. And you didn't call me.
    Meredith: Amelia...
    Amelia: Who contacted you first? The police? The paramedics? How far away was the hospital? How long were you sitting there waiting for them to declare him brain-dead? How many hours later was it before I was even informed? How many chances did you have when you could have called me? Why didn't you call me?
    Meredith: There wasn't anything you could've done. He was too far gone.
    Amelia: You don't know that. You don't know.
    Meredith: Yes, I do.
    Amelia: What if I could've helped him? What if I had a chance? I pull off miracles for a living. I have proven that I can reverse the impossible. I should have been there. If I had seen him or treated him...
    Meredith: It was too late. By the time they... It was too late.
    Amelia: How could you do it? How could you unplug him without letting me know? I didn't get to see him. I didn't get to tell him goodbye. I thought you would've at least given me the courtesy and the respect when my own brother was dying. I didn't get to tell him goodbye because of you.
    Meredith: [ending voice over] How do you step back into the world? It’s scary. Time stood still and now it’s speeding by. You’re looking for a lifeboat, something to give you hope. But are you really ready to leave your happy little bubble and step back out into the big, blinding, bloody, terrible world? Are you ready to achieve the impossible?

### You're My Home [11.24]

    Meredith: [opening voice over] I remember once in school someone saying I came from a broken home. That’s what they used to call it when your parents got divorced, even though getting divorced was the least broken they ever did. When I heard that as a kid, I wondered if broken homes were where broken people lived. It was silly, I mean I was just a little kid. But, to this day I still wonder.
    Meredith: (talking to Richard and Catherine) What is the matter with you two? My husband is dead. Yeah, I'm gonna play that card. You (Richard). You walked away from Ellis, never got to be with her, and now she's dead. Adele is dead. And you (Catherine)... I don't know who's dead for you. But the both of you are very, very much alive and breathing and driving each other crazy. And you yell and argue and fight, and you both should be thrilled to be able to do those things. I would give anything to be able to do those things. And none of those things are reason enough to not be with the person that you love, especially when there just isn't enough. There will never be enough time. And you both know that. So whatever it is that that's coming between you two, will you just please figure it out? Figure it out.
    Maggie: My parents are getting a divorce. My mom called and told me today. She's been having an affair with the man that services their cars... For 11 years. He's been servicing their cars and my mom. And my dad found out about it years ago, and he was enraged, and he stuck with it for me, because I was... I was still in town. I was always around. You know, so they held it together for the kid. Classic. Except the kid's a grown woman. They wanted to preserve my... happy, idyllic... pathetic, crap-filled lie of a childhood!
    Meredith: Why didn't you tell me?
    Maggie: I... Your husband died, and I am crying like a 7-year-old over mommy and daddy. I... I didn't grow up like you. I... I've never lost anyone. I never even had a cat die. I still have all my grandparents. There's no darkness in my life. Just, I've never had it. So I-I'm not gonna come talk to you about it.
    Meredith: Well, you should always come talk to me... Because whatever it is, chances are, I've seen worse, and I am qualified to tell you how you'll survive. You should always come and talk to me.
    Derek: Hey, it's me. I'm on the ferry. I just wanted to say that, um... God, I wish you could see this. Weather's classic Seattle. Oh, the water is so blue. It may be the most perfect ferryboat ride I've ever had in my life. We're gonna do this a lot more when I get home, by the way... you, me, and the family. We're just gonna take a day and... ride the ferryboat... all day if we want. I love you, Meredith. I know I just left, and I'm not even at the airport yet, but I just wanted to say... I love you. I love our family. And we're gonna keep doing this. I'll see you when I get home. I love you.
    Meredith: Derek would have loved this. He came from this big, noisy family. I want this to be my last memory of this house. That's what he wanted, to fill it with noise and people. Okay. We have to dance it out.
    Amelia: What?
    Maggie: What does that mean?
    Meredith: Let's go.
    (They go back into the house and dance.)
    Meredith: [ending voice over] You can build a house out of anything, make it as strong as you want, but a home, a home is more fragile than that. A home is made of the people you fill it with and people can be broken, sure, but any surgeon knows what's broken can be mended, what's hurt can be healed, that no matter how dark it gets, the sun's gonna rise again.

## Cast

* Ellen Pompeo - Meredith Grey
* Justin Chambers - Alex Karev
* Sandra Oh - Cristina Yang
* Chandra Wilson - Miranda Bailey
* James Pickens, Jr. - Richard Webber
* Patrick Dempsey - Derek Shepherd
* Sara Ramírez - Callie Torres
* Chyler Leigh - Lexie Grey
* Kevin McKidd - Owen Hunt
* Jessica Capshaw - Arizona Robbins
* Jesse Williams - Jackson Avery
* Sarah Drew - April Kepner
* Caterina Scorsone - Amelia Shepherd
* Camilla Luddington - Jo Wilson
* Jerrika Hinton - Stephanie Edwards
* Kelly McCreary - Maggie Pierce
* Geena Davis - Nicole Herman
    Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 | Main