# Frasier (season 8)

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Frasier was an American TV situation comedy, a spin-off of the television show Cheers, which aired from 1993–2004. It follows the life of a psychiatrist who has returned to his home town of Seattle to reconnect with his father and brother following his divorce and rebuild his life as a talk radio host and high society socialite.

### And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon (1) [8.1]

    Martin and Frasier observe the conversation between Niles and Mel. Frasier still has the figurine that Donny gave him
    Frasier: Isn't this all too typical? Niles leaves his wife for another woman, he gets a gift; I try to do the right thing, I get Mr Chump and a lawsuit!
    Niles explains to Frasier and Martin about Mel's condition that he play the doting husband in public
    Niles: Well, since we eloped, some of Mel's colleagues decided to throw a little last-minute get-together to toast our nuptials.
    Martin: Well, after Donny gets through with Frasier, you won't be the only one havin' your nuptials toasted.

### And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon (2) [8.2]

    Frasier is watching his brother at the wedding reception
    Frasier: Look at him, over-acting. Trying to convince everybody he's happily married. Have you ever seen anything so pathetic in your life?
    Martin: How about you and Lilith?
    Frasier: It was a rhetorical question!
    When a photographer approaches the "happy couple" at the reception, Niles becomes more nervous than ever
    Photographer: How about a kiss?
    Niles: All right! I hardly know you, but…

### The Great Crane Robbery [8.4]

    Frasier is just leaving Café Nervosa when Mel arrives to see Niles
    Frasier: Ah, Mel.
    Mel: (icily) Frasier. You're looking...
    Frasier: (hastily) And you. We must do this again. (exits)
    Daphne arrives to find the apartment devoid of any furniture
    Daphne: Well, I'm glad I went to three different stores to find your organic furniture polish.
    Frasier: Well, Daphne, chin up. You can always use it to polish the floors.
    Daphne: Oh yes. When God closes a door he opens a window(!)

### Taking Liberties [8.5]

    Frasier observes that Niles is in a good mood, so Niles explains that he plans to disregard Mel's instructions and take Daphne out
    Niles: Mel be damned! Daphne and I are going to have a romantic evening together at my apartment. Not only that; she's going in my car, in my back seat, under a pile of my coats and blankets!
    Ferguson: Manchester, right?
    Daphne: Is it that obvious?
    Ferguson: To me it is. My mum's from Manchester. Used to scream her lungs out for United.
    Daphne: Is that so? My Uncle Jack once tried to get Bobby Charlton's autograph, until Bobby cracked him over the head with a can of lager. Twelve stitches, and he still has the can!

### Legal Tender Love and Care [8.6]

    Martin: Hey, Abby, have you heard this one? How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Abby: I don't know. How many cops planted it there?
    Frasier: Thrust and parry, Dad.
    Abby announces that dinner is on her, or rather, the firm
    Frasier: I couldn't let you do that, Abby. I wanted to pay for dinner.
    Martin: Don't worry; you are.
    Abby: I can't believe I was going to sleep with you!
    [Throws him out of her office.]
    Frasier: You still can!

### The New Friend [8.7]

    Frasier gives Roz his little "guilt offering". Each is unaware that the other has been spending time with Luke
    Roz: Oh, Frasier, I don't deserve your friendship.
    Frasier: No, I do not deserve your friendship.
    Niles: I deserve my own table. Excuse me. (exit)
    Niles has overheard Roz and Frasier surreptitiously phoning Luke to arrange or cancel plans for the evening. He is now leaving
    Frasier: Oh, Niles. Listen: as it turns out I am available for that concert…
    Niles: No, you're not.

### Mary Christmas [8.8]

    Kelly Kirkland no longer co-hosts the Christmas parade with her husband
    Frasier: She's discovered that Cal's been having an affair with a cue card girl.
    Roz: How did she catch him? Did she find a giant love letter in his pocket?
    Now that Ballantine has been discontinued, Martin is not looking forward to Christmas
    Daphne: Christmas is about more than beer, Mr Crane.
    Niles: Yeah, and this year's extra special 'cos Daphne and I are together.
    Martin: Well, that's true. No more Mel, no Maris, no Lilith...Maybe I won't need beer this Christmas.

### Frasier's Edge [8.9]

    Dr. Tewkesbury ascertains that Frasier's ex-wife is a psychiatrist
    Tewkesbury: Well, that's a handy choice for someone who'd rather share ideas than emotions.
    Frasier: Have you ever met Lilith?
    Tewkesbury: No.
    Frasier: (stuttering) Well, she happens to be a very warm and loving woman!
    It is nearly time for Frasier's award presentation, and he has still not arrived
    Niles: He'll be here in a minute. Just go up there and stall.
    Kenny: Stall? (beat) Stall?!
    Niles: Yes, like that.

### Motor Skills [8.11]

    Frasier is driving Chelsea to see her first opera. Niles and Daphne are in the back seat
    Chelsea: Oh, this is gonna be a whole new experience for me.
    Daphne: Why, you've never been bored before?
    Niles realizes that students who coast through class are simply frustrated
    Frasier: So when Billy Kriezel tried to stuff you into your locker after math class, he wasn't really mad at you; he was mad at Pythagoras.
    Niles: Which is ironic, because a simple volume equation would have shown him I couldn't fit.

### The Show Must Go Off [8.12]

    Niles: It's like we wished it to happen, and then it did. Half of me feels guilty, the other half feels relieved... actually, it's about 30-70.
    Frasier: He has no instincts. He just stinks.

### Sliding Frasiers [8.13]

    Frasier is about to go speed dating, and is explaining the idea to Roz
    Frasier: Basically, it's all the stress and humiliation of a blind date... times twelve.

### Hungry Heart [8.14]

    Frasier is darting between Kenny and his wife in the apartment. Martin has not seen either of them
    Frasier: Dad, I thought you were going to clear out tonight. I've got a date!
    Enter Kenny
    Kenny: Doc, I need you in the bedroom. (exit)
    Martin: (pause) Pretty.
    Daphne has tripped over
    Martin: What happened?
    Niles: Oh, Daphne tripped on something and fell.
    Martin: Where's Eddie? Oh my god, Eddie! Eddie! (Eddie runs into the scene and jumps on the couch) (Martin sighs of relief) Oh, there he is. I thought maybe he ran away or something.
    Niles: Oh darling, look at that, your ankle's swelling up already. (Points to it)
    Daphne: It's the other one!
    Martin: Here, let me give you a hand.
    Daphne: Yeah, and no cracks, old man! I know I've gotten heavy and I've resolved to do something about it.
    Martin: All right, on three. One, two, three! (Martin and Niles lift without results) Maybe the super has a hand truck.
    Daphne: Kill me!
    Frasier: (enters) Good lord, what happened?
    Niles: Daphne twisted her ankle and fell. Come help us lift her.
    Martin: Okay, boys, be careful. Use your legs. (The Crane men lift Daphne up)
    Daphne: Oh, bloody hell! I'm wearing two different shoes!
    (Doorbell rings, Frasier goes to answer it, while Niles helps Daphne to her room)
    Martin: Daphne, I just thought of somethin' funny: It took three Cranes to lift you!

### Hooping Cranes [8.15]

    Roz cannot take the basketball tickets that Frasier has been given
    Roz: I have a date with this French guy, Jean-Pierre.
    Frasier: So that's it, huh? No Americans left.
    Frasier finally loses patience with Niles' basking in glory
    Frasier: The story is: one upon a time, Niles Crane accidentally made a basket. The End!

### DocuDrama [8.15]

    During the argument with Roz, Frasier obliquely threatens to walk out
    Frasier: Well, I'm just saying that alienating me isn't probably in the best interests of the show.
    Roz: Well, maybe "the show" would be better off without you.
    Frasier: Well, then maybe I should just leave "the show".
    Roz: Well, maybe that's what "the show" wants you to do.
    Frasier: Well then, "the show" can BITE ME! (exit)
    Frasier: If I used you, it was only as the swift and terrible sword of Justice!

### It Takes Two to Tangle [8.17]

    Niles distracts William while Frasier speaks to his mother about Bryce Academy
    Niles: I overheard one of the servers discussing a one-act play he wants your mother to produce.
    William: Okay, which one?
    Niles: I think it was something by Chekhov.

### Forgotten But Not Gone [8.18]

    After a very uninspiring Wine Corner, Frasier signs off with a remark about wine getting better with age, like a good woman
    Roz: Aww, do you really believe that?
    Frasier: Oh, who cares, Roz? I stopped listening to myself ten minutes ago!
    Frasier is sharing his thoughts on a wine with Martin, in his usual verbose fashion
    Frasier: You don't think it's clear that I enjoy the wine?
    Martin: I don't think it's clear you're talking about wine.
    Wine-tasting at the wine club
    Niles: I'm getting oak with plummy overtones.
    Endicott: I'm getting screwed on alimony.
    Martin: (Walks in) Niles, I want to talk to you.
    Niles: Dad! What happened, is there something wrong?
    Martin: You're damn right there is, it's about you and Frasier! (notices) Good God, you wear a sash?!
    Niles: Frasier sent you down here, didn't he?
    Frasier: (o.s. from above) No!
    Martin: Frasier, get in here now!
    Frasier shuffles in beside Niles. The following scene looks like a father dressing down two toddlers — a spectacle that both Frasier and Niles are desperate to avoid
    Frasier: Dad, this isn't necessary.
    Niles: Yeah, we-we can talk about this some other time.
    Martin: Zip it up, both of you! I just gave up the best meal of my life to come down here, so listen up. Niles, let your brother play.
    Niles: Dad, this is not a game, this is a club, and Frasier broke the rules!
    Frasier: Technically, I-
    Martin: Hold it! (To Niles) Well, then you write a new rule so that Frasier can come back.
    Frasier: First, I want an apology-
    Martin: I said zip it!
    Niles: He did, I heard him!
    Martin: Don't get smart! Now, are you gonna let your brother play?
    Niles: Dad-
    Martin: Are you gonna let your brother play?
    Niles: Why-
    Martin: Are you gonna let your brother play?
    Niles: I-
    Martin: Are you gonna let your brother play?
    Niles: (Gives in) Fine.
    Martin: Am I gonna have any more trouble between you two?
    Frasier/Niles: (Humbly) No.
    Martin: No, what?
    Frasier/Niles: No, sir.
    Martin: Good. Now shake hands. (They do) That's more like it. Now if you don't mind, I've got a big plate of Gewürzplatzchen waiting for me at home with my name on it. (Leaves)
    Niles: Uh, well, [chuckles] let's get back to the wine, shall we?
    Reynolds: You got yelled at by your dad. (All the members laugh)
    Niles: Well, be that as it may-
    Endicott: Zip it! (Everyone laughs louder)

### Daphne Returns [8.19]

    In the midst of the argument
    Niles: I can't read minds, you know. And by the way, neither can you!
    Daphne: Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?!
    Niles: Not if you thought I loved your cooking!
    Daphne: Well, I'm sorry it's not that hoity-toity crap you eat!
    Niles: What does that mean? You, you think I'm pretentious?
    Daphne: You'd eat a worm if I gave it a French name!
    Niles: Well fine! If that's the way you feel, maybe I'll just have dinner by myself! (Storms out of the apartment)
    Daphne: Well, good! It'll spare you the hell that's my cooking! (Heads back for her room)
    Niles: (Hurries back in through the door, Daphne turns back) I am so sorry! I love you so much! (Runs into Daphne's arms, they embrace) I didn't mean any of those things!
    Daphne: Yes you did. And I did too. You’re a pretentious snob, with your wine and your opera.
    Niles: YOU NEVER GIVE OPERA A CHANCE! You're too judgmental.
    Daphne: And you're a clean freak.
    Niles: Well...I hate your unicorn collection.
    Daphne: And I hate that your closet is bigger than mine!
    Niles: Well...you're too tall!
    Daphne: You're too short. (They kiss passionately)

### The Wizard and Roz [8.20]

    Dr. Tewksbury has been observing Niles and Daphne in Café Nervosa. Roz explains Daphne's belief that she is psychic
    Tewksbury: Well, no matter who's right or wrong, Niles needs to set up stricter boundaries with his patients. I learned that from years of practice.
    Roz: No, she's not his patient; she's his girlfriend.
    Tewkesbury: Oh well, in that case, no matter who's right or wrong, he's wrong. I learned that from years of marriage.
    At the last minute, Niles changes his mind and asks not to be given the results of the test
    Daphne: Sorry, Dr. Morey. We've wasted your time.
    Morey: It's OK. Eddie told me a couple of funny jokes while we were waiting.
    Niles and Daphne look taken aback
    Morey: I'm kidding!...They weren't that funny.

### A Passing Fancy [8.22]

    Frasier has just introduced Kirby to Roz
    Kirby: She has gotta be pretty distracting around the office, huh?
    Frasier: Well, yes, sometimes, but she's union, so you put up with it.
    Frasier thinks of a way to persuade Roz to help him out
    Kirby: So, how you gonna get her to go with me?
    Frasier: Oh, you just leave that up to me and Mr. Bruce Springsteen.
    Kirby: The Boss!
    Frasier: No, Bruce Springsteen.

### A Day in May [8.23]

    Niles: I'd hardly call this a dog park. (looks around) It's more like a dog...orgy. Whose beagles are those?
    Daphne: Don't stare. It only encourages them.

### Cranes Go Caribbean [8.24]

    Frasier: Niles, I'm sorry. It turns out Claire and I are going to Belize after all. You and Daphne will have to go some place else.
    Niles: Wait. Daphne has her heart set to Belize.
    Frasier: Niles, this is not Cranes Go Caribbean! I want to be alone with Claire.
    Frasier has had a car accident because of Lana and will miss his flight
    Frasier: At least whoever gets my seat on the plane will be happy.