# Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) (film)

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) is a 1972 film consisting of a series of short sequences loosely inspired by Dr. David Reuben's book of the same name.
    Directed and written by Woody Allen.

## The Fool

* Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.
* With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!
* [the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress] Hi Milord! Remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?

## The Operator

* Can we please have an erection? What the hell is going on down there?

## Victor Shakapopulis

* I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."
* When it comes to sex, there are some mysteries that should remain unexplored. And with my luck, they always will be.

## Others

* Gina: [in Italian] Fabrizio, my darling, go easy on my hymen.
* Sperm #1: I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.
* Divorce Court Judge: The defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep - most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old.
* The Queen: Didst I feel aright or didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel?

## Dialogue

    Friend: [in Italian] You got to play with her before you lay her.
    Fabrizio: [in Italian] For how long?
    Friend: [in Italian] Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.
    Fabrizio: [in Italian] How long with your wife?
    Friend: [in Italian] Thirty seconds.
    Fabrizio: [in Italian, in awe] Lucky!
    The Queen: Kiss me quick!
    The Fool: Yes!... where is your quick?
    The Queen: Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body.
    The Fool: Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace.
    Victor Shakapopulis: Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?
    Dr. Bernardo: Long? My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.
    Victor Shakapopulis: Yes I know, but nineteen inches. I mean that's-...
    Dr. Bernardo: Does it sound mad? That's what they called me at Masters of Johnsons Clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters of Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!
    Victor Shakapopulis: Are we having dessert?
    Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.
    Victor Shakapopulis: How often does that problem come up with a hippo?
    Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.
    Victor Shakapopulis: But why? What good will this do anybody?
    Dr. Bernardo: It'll show those fools who called me mad!
    Helen Lacey: Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous!
    Victor Shakapopulis: Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.
    The Girl: For me, Norman Mailer has exactly that same sort of relevance - that affirmative, negative duality that only Proust or Flaubert could achieve.
    The Operator: I don't know if we're gonna make it or not, doesn't look too good.
    The Girl: I'm a graduate of New York University.
    The Operator: We're gonna make it.

## Taglines

* You haven't seen anything until you've seen everything
* If you want to know how this man made a movie out of this book... "Everything you always wanted to know about sex* - *But Were Afraid to Ask" you'll have to see the movie!

## Cast

* Woody Allen - Victor Shakapopulis / Fabrizio / The Fool / Sperm
* Jack Barry - Himself
* John Carradine - Dr. Bernardo
* Erin Fleming - The Girl
* Elaine Giftos - Mrs. Ross
* Lou Jacobi - Sam Musgrave
* Louise Lasser - Gina
* Robert Q. Lewis - Himself
* Heather MacRae - Helen Lacey
* Pamela Mason - Herself
* Sidney Miller - George
* Regis Philbin - Himself
* Anthony Quayle - The King
* Tony Randall - The Operator
* Lynn Redgrave - The Queen
* Burt Reynolds - Switchboard
* Ref Sanchez - Igor
* Gene Wilder - Dr. Ross

## External links

* Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) quotes at the Internet Movie Database
* Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) at Rotten Tomatoes