# Zoey 101 (season 1)

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The following is a list of quotes from the first season Zoey 101. It was aired between January 9 to May 1, 2005.

## Welcome To PCA

    Zoey: How many of you have ever played on a basketball team before?
    (A few raise their hands)
    Zoey: How many of you would say you're good at basketball?
    Quinn: Um, I once made a basketball explode!
    Zoey: (to Chase after he throws an old sandwich out the window) My hero.
    Dana: Just pass me the ball whenever you can, and stay out of my way!
    Nicole: Works for me.
    Nicole: Excuse me, have you noticed that she's the only girl on our team who can play this game?
    Coach: I think everyone here has noticed it.
    Nicole: But that's my stuff! (Dana glares at her) That I'll be moving.
    Chase: Better be going. Oh, and be careful.
    Zoey: Why be careful?
    Chase: Well, it's the first day at school. Lots of kids like to pull pranks.
    Zoey: Like hanging your bike from a tree?
    Chase: Huh? Oh man. PUT THAT DOWN, YOU LITTLE FREAKS!! I gotta go. Later.
    Zoey: Later.
    Chase: Oh, and I forgot to say, "Welcome to PCA".
    Zoey: Go save your bike.
    Chase: Right.
    Zoey: Ok, Logan, tell ya what. I'll round up my best five girls and you round up your best five guys. And we'll see whose better at basketball.
    Logan: You serious?
    Nicole: Zoey!
    Zoey: I'm serious.
    Logan: Good. This Friday?
    Zoey: Why not?
    Logan: Then, you're on!
    Zoey: Good!
    Michael: Plus, we heard you guys got pizza.
    Chase: And cake.
    Zoey: Oh, so you guys just want pizza.
    Chase: And cake!
    Logan: Here's a little tip: Try to make the balls go in the basket.
    Zoey: And here's a tip for you: Try to make words not come out of your mouth!
    Dana: Can I play?
    Zoey: Um, we kind of already have a full team.
    Quinn: Bye!
    Zoey: I guess you're in.
    Nicole: You're the only girl on our team that can play this game. The rest of us are "suckish"
    Quinn: Is "Suckish" a word?
    Logan: Hope you girls have learned your lesson!
    Coach: I sure have. How would you two girls like to be on the basketball team?
    Dustin: Psst, Zoey, psst!
    Zoey: Dustin?
    Dustin: Good Luck! But I can't root for you.
    Zoey: Why not?
    Dustin: Because the guys said if I root for the girls, they'll shave off my eyebrows!
    Zoey: Don't let them scare you!
    Dustin: Too late, I'm way past scared. Anyway, good luck!
    Nicole: (about the urinal) Why is it here?
    Zoey: Because this used to be a boy's dorm.
    Nicole: Well, it creeps me out.
    Zoey: You act like it's the first time you've seen one of these things.
    Nicole: Oh, please, I wasn't born yesterday. I know about boy stuff. So, how do they sit on it?
    Chase: (points to Jim)...Jim
    Zoey: That's the gym?
    Chase: Oh, no, that's my bud, Jim. Hey Jim!
    Zoey: 'Sup Jim! I like Jim.
    Chase: Jim's good people.
    Nicole: You are a wizard with scissors. I'm going to call you the Scissor Wizard!
    Zoey: No, you're not.
    Nicole: Okay.
    Zoey: You play sports?
    Nicole: Is shopping a sport?
    Zoey: No.
    Nicole: Then, no.

## New Roomies

    Dana: It's my bed.
    Nicole: It's my head.
    Zoey: Stop it. You know what, Dana? You are a slob, and Nicole, it is rude of you to use a stupid hair dryer when people need quiet!
    Dana':Well
    'Nicole:Well
    Dana':The perfect roomate has spoken
    Zoey: I didn't say i was perfect
    Dana: Good cause you annoy us too sometimes
    Zoey: Yeah like how?
    Dana: You always forget your key
    Nicole': Yes
    Zoey: So
    Dana: So its anoying to have to let you in all the time. im zoey i forgot my key
    Nicole': I'm Zoey i locked my self out please let me in
    Zoey: Okay, since I'm such a horrible roomate, then maybe I should move out!
    Michael: Save me!
    Chase: From what?
    Michael: (Points to Quinn) From that!
    Zoey: Maybe you could hang out with me and my roommates sometime!
    Quinn: Aren't they the ones always fighting?
    Chase: Do girls like fooseball? Because if you don't like fooseball, we could knit or something . . .
    Zoey: (laughs) I like fooseball.
    Chase: Yeah, Fooseball's cool.
    Zoey: (to Nicole and Dana) What? I can't brush my teeth for 5 minutes without you two trying to bludgeon each other?
    Nicole: We have to be at class by 8!
    Dana: Yeah, which is why I set my alarm clock for 7:55!!!
    Quinn: It's one of my Quinnventions. You see, my name is Quinn and I invent things . . . so I call them "Quinnventions."
    Zoey: Oh, that's very . . . "Quinnteresting"!
    Zoey: Naw, they don't want me back. Guess I'm stuck with Quinn and her "Quinnventions."
    Chase: "Quinnventions"?
    Zoey (About Quinn) Yeah. She combined her name with the word "Inventions."
    Chase: Ah! So she's... "Quinnsane"!
    Michael: 'Sup Chase?
    Chase: Oh! Hey! (attempts to hide rose he is carrying behind his back)
    Michael: Whose the rose for?
    Chase: Oh, this? Oh, you caught me . . . it's for you.
    Michael: That's nice, man, but how about you give it to Zoey instead?
    Chase: That's an idea!!
    Chase: Look, don't tell Logan.
    Zoey: So, you want to see if my food is happy?
    Quinn: Happy, sad, angry, frightened...
    Chase: I'm frightened!
    Zoey: Quinn happens to be the perfect roommate!
    Quinn: Zoey, I'm about to iron my underwear. Want me to do yours?
    Zoey: I don't iron my underwear.
    Quinn: Whatever.
    Dana: Yeah, she's a good one!
    Zoey: At least we don't fight all the time!
    Dana: Neither do we.
    Nicole: Yeah, since you moved out, we've been getting along great.
    Dana: (puts arm around Nicole) Yeah, best friends!
    Zoey: That's good for you. Bye!
    Dana: (Zoey leaves) Don't ever touch me again!
    Nicole: Slob!
    Dana: Jerk!
    Nicole: UGHH!!!
    Zoey: Sorry. I only get 15. And I gotta live.
    Dustin: What about you?
    Chase: Sorry, kid. If I had money I'd lend it to myself, which I don't...So, I'm outta luck, and so are you!
    Dustin: What did he say?
    Zoey: No!

## Webcam

    Nicole: Hey, Quinn, you wanna play confess or stress with us?
    Quinn: How do you play?
    Zoey: Okay, so you roll the dice...
    Quinn: Yeah...
    Dana: And if you land on an even number, you have to confess to something really embarrassing...
    Nicole: And if you roll an odd number, you have to do something stressful.
    Quinn: Like eat a poisonous bug?
    Zoey: Stressful... not lethal.
    Logan: 'Sup ladies!
    Zoey: We were just talking about you.
    Logan: Can't blame you.
    Zoey: You're working with Logan now?
    Chase: Well, I'm working, he seems to be watching.
    Logan: I'm training you, so you can learn to make deliveries on your own.
    Zoey: Good. Now, that we know you're not delivering anymore, we'll order more often!
    Quinn: Logan's such a jerk.
    Nicole: A very cute jerk.
    Zoey: (on cell phone in phony Southern accent) Excuse me, sir, I'm calling about the mustard you ordered.
    Mr. Callahan: Um, I didn't order any mustard.
    Zoey: Yes, you did, you ordered nine thousand jars of mustard.
    Mr. Callahan: Who could eat that much mustard?
    Zoey: That's none of my business! So, what time would you like me to drop off the mustard?
    Mr. Callahan: But I don't even like mustard!
    Zoey: Then, why'd you order so much?
    Mr. Callahan: I didn't...
    Zoey: Why would I spread rumors about myself?
    Nicole: To trick us!
    Zoey: Nicole!
    Chase: Hey, Kazu!
    Kazu: You're late!
    Chase: I'm 10 minutes early!
    Kazu: No back sass!
    Chase: Okay... just put the knife down!
    Quinn: (scans bear) That jerk!
    Zoey: What?
    Quinn: Let's go!
    (Nicole, Quinn, and Zoey go back to Zoey's dorm)
    Zoey: Well?
    Quinn: That bear is broadcasting both audio and visual transmissions via broadband wavelengths to a remote digital receiver!
    Nicole: I knew it! What does that mean?
    Zoey: In English?
    Quinn: There's a webcam in that bear!
    Nicole: I knew it! Wait, I still don't know what that means.
    Zoey: Did you have anything to do with it?
    Chase: Uh, come in?
    Zoey: Did you put a camera in a bear?
    Chase: I don't think so, seeing as I don't have a camera... or a bear.
    Zoey: Chase.
    Chase: Will you just tell me what's going on here?
    Zoey: That bear you and Logan gave us, it's got a webcam in it.
    Chase: What?!
    Zoey: Don't act like you don't know.
    Chase: I'm not acting. Zoey.
    Zoey: Where's Logan's computer?
    Chase: Over there.
    Zoey: Hey, sushi's here!
    Nicole: Thanks, Chase, we love the free sushi!
    Chase: Look, girls, I don't know if I can keep hooking you up with all this free sushi. I think my boss is starting to get a little suspicious.
    Zoey: Kazu?
    Chase: Yeah, so listen, if anybody asks, just say...
    Kazu: Aha! I knew it!
    Chase: Kazu!
    Kazu: You've been stealing all my sushi and giving it to these girls!
    Chase: Uh, no, no, that's... that's not true.
    Kazu: Yes, it is! I'm going to tell the Dean. And then you will be... And then you will be...
    Zoey: Quinn, next card!
    Kazu: Expelled! You will be expelled!
    Chase: Expelled?!
    Kazu: You're going to prison!
    Nicole: No!
    (Zoey hits him on the head with a vase)
    Zoey: I'm sorry, I panicked!
    Chase: He's out cold.
    Zoey: Oh, no, now, we're all gonna get expelled!
    Chase: No, nobody's getting expelled!
    Nicole: But he's gonna wake up eventually and tell the Dean what happened!
    Chase: Yes, that's why we have to get rid of him!
    Zoey: Let's tie him up and shove him in the closet!
    Chase: Right! Then, late tonight, when everyone's asleep, we hot wire his car, and put Kazu in the trunk!
    Zoey: We'll drive him... to Mexico!
    Logan: Did she say, "Mexico"?
    Michael: Si!
    Nicole: But what if the Dean finds out?
    Zoey: She has a point.
    Chase: Hey... he didn't see who hit him!
    Zoey: Right! We'll blame it all on... on... Logan!
    Logan: Me?!
    Chase: Okay! We'll blame the whole thing on Logan! Stealing the sushi, knocking out Kazu, everything!
    Logan: They're gonna blame everything on me!
    Michael: I heard.
    Zoey: Okay, quick, let's tie up Kazu and shove him in the closet.
    Nicole: I got the duct tape!
    Logan: I gotta do something!
    Michael: Ok, you go get the Dean.
    Logan: I'm not gonna let Chase and those crazy girls frame me.
    Michael: You go get em, man.
    Logan: Kazu, I can explain.
    Kazu: So can I, you're fired! (chuckles) I feel like Donald Trump.
    Logan: But, you got whacked in the head with a vase.
    Kazu: What?

## Defending Dustin

    Chase: You gotta hide Elvis.
    Nicole: Who's Elvis?
    Chase: Our dog!
    Zoey: Doesn't PCA have a rule against pets?
    Chase: Yeah, that's why we've been hiding him in our room.
    Michael: But our DA smelled a dog!
    Chase: DA, short for Dorm Adviser.
    Zoey: I know.
    Chase: OK...that's short for okay
    Zoey: Stop it!
    Michael: Well, anyway, our DA's getting all suspicious.
    Chase: (To Zoey) Everyone gets hurt sometimes. You've never been hurt?
    Zoey: No, not by a big, dumb bully.
    Chase: Well, then, maybe it's time. (he starts giving her noogies) Oh, yeah, that's right. She's in trouble now, give me your lunch money.
    Zoey: Quit it!
    Chase: Give me your lunch money or I'll.... (Zoey bites his arm) Oww, did you bite me?
    Zoey: Maybe.
    Chase: Oh, it's on.
    Chase: You're fast!
    Zoey: Maybe you're just slow.
    Chase: Harsh.
    Herb: Close the door and sit down. I am very upset with you, Mr. Finch.
    Keith: You're not the principal.
    Herb: No back sass!
    Keith: Who are you?
    Herb: I happen to be the Dean of Discipline.
    Keith: Dean of--
    Herb: Stop speaking!
    Keith: OK.
    Herb: I understand you've been harassing some of the younger students. Is that correct?
    Keith: Well, I--
    Herb: Don't even think about lying!
    Keith: Yeah, I guess I have.
    Herb: You guess?!
    Keith: Yes!
    Herb: Yes what? Come on, say it, Finch. Tell me!
    Keith: I-I-I pick on people.
    Herb: You mean you used to?
    Keith: Huh?
    Herb: If I ever hear of you bothering any student on the PCA campus, especially younger ones, I'll expel you faster then pigtails on a giraffe! Do you understand me?!?!
    Keith: Yes, sir, except for the giraffe part.
    Herb: Get out!
    Keith: Yes sir!"
    Zoey: Herb, you were great!
    Chase: Yeah, I was outside and you had me shaking!
    Herb: Really, I was good!
    Zoey: Are you kidding me?
    Chase: That was the best acting any janitor has ever done!
    Herb: Now if you'll excuse me there is a clogged toilet in the gym calling my name.

## Prank Week

    Chase: You know what I'm saying?
    Michael: You don't even know what you're saying!
    Zoey: Chase, thank you so much!
    Chase: It’s okay, but, actually, it wasn’t me.
    Zoey: Michael?
    Michael: Not me.
    Zoey: Then who was it? (Chase and Michael point to Logan) Logan? Why would you want to keep me at PCA?
    Logan: If you weren't around, who else would I pick on?
    Dean Rivers: I'm not going to ask you again. Who did this?
    Chase: Technically, sir, you did just ask again.
    Dean Rivers: Chase!
    Chase: Sorry.
    Nicole: (crying) But this is the best school ever! They have a pool, cute boys, a beach across the street, and cute boys!
    Zoey: I bet there are cute boys back in your school in Kansas.
    Nicole: No, they're all dumb and gross.
    Zoey: Hey, Quinn, did you hear the news? This is our last semester here.
    Quinn: Can't talk. Plotting revenge.
    Nicole: I'm going to miss her freakish ways. (cries again)
    Zoey: Aw, it's a bunny with a PCA shirt on!
    Logan: Chase picked it out.
    Chase: Why do you tell people?
    Logan: Do girls know anything?
    Dana: I know how to make you cry.
    Logan: What are you gonna do? Kiss me?
    Dana: You wish!
    Logan: Yeah I do! (laughs)
    Mr. Bradford: All right. Just stop my daddy from peeing and no one gets expelled.

## Jet X

    Mr. Savage: Do you know what this is?
    Chase: Some kind of scooter?
    Mr. Savage: (Buzzing noise) Wrong!
    Chase: Sorry.
    Quinn: Where's the off button on this?
    Dana: Uh, I don´t know. You're the geek.
    Quinn: True.
    Zoey: (on the phone to Chase) Chase, you rock!
    Chase: (to Michael) I rock!
    Michael: You´re OK.
    Nicole: You're just jealous because my dad owns a juice company!
    Dana: What?!
    Zoey: What?!
    Nicole: I didn't know what to say!
    Zoey: Well, tell him money doesn't give him the right to push people around.
    Chase: I did.
    Zoey: And?
    Chase: He gave me 50 bucks to shut up.
    Mr. Bender: Okay! Shut up. So, why are you guys fighting?
    Chase: Uh... Uh... he said... he said I have bushy hair!
    Mr. Bender: Now, Chase, your hair is unusually bushy. And Michael, the bushiness of his hair is none of your business.
    Logan: Or I could give you a ride, maybe we could go to the beach and make out a little.
    Zoey: You know, I would, but it's so hard for a girl to kiss a guy while she's vomiting.
    Chase: It's true. It happened to me once.

## The Play

    Logan: (to Chase) Why do you waste your time with the drama club? Why don't you go out for football or something?
    Chase: Because the drama club's loaded with hot girls. And I've seen the football team. They're not hot.
    Michael: I don't know. Dave, the quarterback, is a pretty handsome dude. (Chase and Logan give him weird looks) I've said too much.
    (Dustin knocks on Zoey's door)
    Dustin: Hey, is Zoey here?
    Dana: No.
    Dustin: Well, do you know where she is?
    Dana: Nope.
    Dustin: 'Cuz I think I'm sick, and I was wondering if...
    (Dana shuts the door in his face)
    Michael: Calm down. Let me ask you this, it's your play right?
    Chase: Yeah, so?
    Michael: So, if it's bothering you so much, then change it.
    Chase: Change it?
    Michael: Write a different ending.
    Chase: I can get rid of the kiss! Michael, you, my friend, are a genius in short pants! (runs off)
    Michael: I have my moments.
    Mr. Fletcher: Kill? Kill?!
    Chase: Yeah, see, it's actually supposed to say, "Zorka leans in to kill the lifeguard." Not kiss. It was just a complete typo. I'm always mixing up my S's and L's. Like one time I tried to write "Sassafras". I wrote "Lallafral"!
    Dustin: (to Quinn) Why are you taking off my shoes?
    Quinn: I'm going to cure you by applying proton impulses to the soles of your feet.
    Dustin: Can I please leave?
    Quinn: No... Ready?
    Dustin: No. (Quinn fires her proton device at Dustin's feet) Ah! That tickles. (Quinn stops the proton device)
    Quinn: Do you feel better?
    Dustin: No!
    Quinn: I'll adjust the proton saturation.
    Dustin: Huh? (Quinn fires her proton device at Dustin's feet) It's not making me better!
    Nicole: He really is awesome?
    Chase: (sarcastically) Yeah, Logan's fantastic, just fantastic. Isn't he fantastic?
    Zoey: I don't see why you have to pick on him all the time. Logan's not such a bad guy.
    Nicole: Ooh. She's starting to like him.
    Dana: Ya think?
    Chase: What?! That's insane! It's insane, right Zoey?
    Zoey: Yeah, I mean...
    Chase: You mean what?
    Zoey: I don't know. Maybe, I do like him...
    Chase: Okay. I got to go.
    Zoey: Where are you going?
    Chase: To take a bath. What difference does it make?

## Quinn's Date

    Chase: I wonder who invented the meatball.
    Zoey: What do you mean invented?
    Chase: Well, some guy back in the fifteenth century must have said, "Yes, meat is good, but it would be even better in ball form. And thus the meatball was born".
    Zoey: (About Mark) Go talk to him.
    Quinn: Oh, I dunno. I'm not very good at talking to guys.
    Zoey: It's easy. It's just like talking to girls, but you gotta use smaller words.
    Quinn: Okay, so, what do I do?
    Zoey: Just pretend Chase is a guy.
    Chase: Uh, thanks.
    Quinn: Did you know that female spiders eat their children?
    Chase: Huh?
    Quinn: Spiders aren't insects! They're arachnids! Did you know that elephant urine smells like licorice?
    Chase: Oh, my God.
    Quinn: Tell me about your first rash.
    Chase: Zoey.
    Zoey: Quinn.
    Quinn: I'm curious. I have an extra toe. Wanna see?
    Chase: MAKE IT STOP!
    Quinn: Don't you guys want to see my extra toe?
    Zoey, Nicole, Dana & Chase: No!
    Quinn: Hi, Mark.
    Mark: Oh, hey, Clint.
    Chase: Quinn.
    Quinn: Did you say, "Clint"?
    Chase: He said, "Quinn."
    Mark I said, "Clint."
    Quinn: Who's Clint?
    Chase: He meant, "Quinn".
    Zoey: My friend, Quinn thinks you're cute and wants to go out with you. Will ya?
    Mark: No.
    Zoey: Come on! She's pretty and she's right over there.
    Mark: (Looks at Quinn) No.
    Quinn: What did he say? Please, say he said, "Yes". I would be the happiest person in the world if he said, "Yes", tell me he said, "Yes", please.
    Zoey: Ummm.. he said, "YES".
    Dana: What's your problem?
    Zoey: Remember when I said "Mark said yes". He said, "NO".
    Nicole: NO!!!
    Zoey: YES.
    Nicole: YES.
    Nicole: Yes, wait I'm confused.
    Dana: Did he say "Yes" or "No"?
    Zoey: He said, "No".
    Dana: No, then why did you tell her he said, "Yes".
    Zoey: Because I panicked.
    Dana: You'd better go tell her the truth before she finds out.
    Zoey: I can't. It'll break her heart. Her weird little heart.
    Courtney: Mark! You're on a date with HER?
    Mark: No! I'm... on a date with Chase!
    Chase: Um, it's true. We had a picnic.
    Zoey: Sparkling juices and everything, I saw it all.
    Courtney: Yeah, nice try. I can't believe you did this to me, Mark! We are done! Oh-ver!
    Mark: Courtney.
    Quinn: Mark, I can't believe you dated me when you already have a girlfriend!
    Mark: (confused) Who dated you?
    Quinn: You may have movie star good looks, but I don't care about you any more! Good day, Mark!
    Mark: But...
    Quinn: I said "Good day"!

## Spring Fling

    Chase: No more "Grass"! I can't take it!!
    TV: Coming up next... "Weeds".
    Announcer: And now back to "Grass: Nature's Carpet!"
    Nicole: Okay, why are we watching this?
    Dustin: I hate this experiment!
    Quinn: I heard that!
    Dustin: GOOD!
    Nicole: Are you sure people are going to pay money to smash a watermelon with a bat?
    Zoey: Of course, boys love to smash things.
    Michael: It's true!
    Chase: We do enjoy the smashing!
    Dana: Tell that to Mr. Bermin when he sees what we've done to his baby.
    Nicole: What do you think he'll say?
    Zoey: He'll probably start with, "Give me my four-thousand dollars back!"
    Dustin: Is it true?
    Zoey: What?
    Dustin: That you're going to get Drake Bell to perform at Spring Fling?
    Dana: Sorry, but Drake's not coming.
    Dustin: How come?
    Nicole: His manager wants 5000 bucks.
    Dustin: So get it.
    Dana: (sarcastically) Sure, we can just get it from the 5000 dollar store.
    Chase: (to Drake) Hey, you're Drake Bell!
    Drake: Yes, I am.
    Chase: Hey, it's him!
    Michael: You're you!
    Drake: I'm me.
    Manager: (to Drake) You are.

## Backpack

    Michael: (Talking in code) Zoey, the rabbit's in the hole!
    Zoey: Huh? What rabbit?
    Michael: [sighs] Stacey's at the store and the deal's goin' down! [mumbling to himself] And ya try to be cool.
    Chase: Massage my shoulders.
    Michael: Are you out of your mind?
    Chase: Come on, I hurt! Friends don't let other friends hurt.
    Michael: Well, these headphones are hurting my ears! What? You wanna massage my ear hole?
    Chase: (Giving Michael a quiz from a Teen Girl magazine) Your best friend borrows your lipgloss...without asking!
    Michael: (gasp)
    Chase: What do you do? A, find a new best friend. B, push her down a flight of stairs, or C...
    Zoey: What? It doesn't say that!
    Chase: Well, yeah, but I think it should definitely be an option!
    Michael: I pick B, down the stairs she goes!
    Chase:(about new jukebox) Yep, that's definitely juketastic! (Zoey gives Chase weird look. A few seconds later)
    Michael: (about new jukebox) Man, that's juketastic!

## Disc Golf

    Coach Phelps: All right. Mr. Matthews, you just bought yourself another lap.
    Chase: Can I return it?
    Nicole: Just give me a minute.
    Coach Phelps: What's she doing?
    Zoey: Making oatmeal.
    Nicole: (pukes)

## School Dance

    Mr. Bender: [after hearing Zoey's computer IM alarm ring] Read the message.
    Zoey: [reading] "Hey, Zo, do you think Mr. Bender knows his zipper's down?"
    Nicole: [answering a personality quiz] "What is your favorite activity?" Meeting cute guys. Next question: "What is your number-one pet peeve?" Not meeting cute guys.

## Little Beach Party

    Dana: You got a signal?
    Michael: No, only sand in my butt!
    Zoey: (to Logan) Are you sure you gave the taxi driver the right directions?
    Logan: Mystic Beach is exactly 57 miles north of PCA.
    Dustin: No, Mystic Beach is south of PCA!
    Zoey: Dustin, are you sure?
    Dustin: Who are you going to trust: me or pretty boy?
    Dustin: Will you tell me where babies come from?
    Zoey: Absolutely not.