# The Simpsons/Season 8

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The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

## Treehouse of Horror VII
#### The Thing and I

    Doctor Hibbert: Yes, I remember Bart's birth well. You don't forget a thing like... [dramatic] Siamese twins!
    Lisa: I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins".
    Doctor Hibbert: And Hillbillies prefer to be called "sons of the soil", but it ain't gonna happen!
    [Flashback is being shown in which Marge has given birth to Siamese twins. One of them starts gnawing on the other's arm.]
    Marge: I think I'll bottle-feed that one.
    Doctor Hibbert: [voiceover from the present] A routine soul smear confirmed the presence of pure evil, it was then I knew the option was to separate you 2... immediately. [from the past] You both need to sign these. [voiceover from the present] But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boy's Town; too much of a boy for Crazy Town. The child was an outcast. [Back in the present.] So we did the only humane thing.
    Homer: We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.
    Marge: It saved our marriage.

#### Citizen Kang

    Kodos: [Disguised as Bill Clinton] I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.
    George Stephanopoulos: [to Kodos, who has taken on the form of Bill Clinton] Uh, Mr. President, sir, people are becoming a bit... confused by the way your and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands.
    Kang: [Disguised as Bob Dole] We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.
    Kodos: My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom. [crowd cheers]
    [After Kang and Kodos have been exposed]
    Kodos: It’s true; we are aliens. But what are you going to do about it?! It's a two-party system; you have to vote for one of us!
    [The crowd mutters in consternation as they realize he's right]
    Voter: Well I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate!
    Kang: Go ahead, throw your vote away!
    [Kang and Kodos laugh out loud. Ross Perot smashes his "Perot 96" hat. The next day, Kodos announces the result.]
    Kodos: All hail, President Kang.
    [After Kang has been elected President and the aliens of Rigel 7 have enslaved America.]
    Marge: I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of.
    Homer: Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos. [alien whips him] D'oh!

## You Only Move Twice

    [After the family has watched the video on Cyprus Creek]
    Marge: It does seem nicer than Springfield.
    Lisa: Yeah... did you notice how the people weren't shoving or knocking each other down? I've never been to a place like that before...
    [Bart shoves her aside]
    Bart: Me neither.
    Apu: I am not interested in buying the house, but I would like to use your restroom, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. HA! Now you know how it feels!
    Homer: Thank you, come again!
    Scorpio: Hey, look at my feet. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet; there's a pair for you. Don't like them? Then neither do I!
    [throws them out the door.]
    Scorpio: Get the hell outta here! Ever see a guy say goodbye to a shoe?
    Homer: [chuckles] Yes, once.
    Scorpio: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the doomsday device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold or you face the consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this. [presses a button, causing a bridge to blow up in the background of the screen the gentlemen are visible in]
    UN Man 1: [all the men look at the explosion] Oh my God, the 59th Street Bridge.
    UN Man 2: Maybe it just collapsed on its own.
    UN Man 1: We can't take that chance.
    UN Man 2: You always say that. I want to take a chance.
    Scorpio: [scoffs] "Collapsed on its own", you sch...You have seventy-two hours. See ya.
    [Homer has just walked in on Scorpio, who is tuning a giant death ray.]
    Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country, Italy or France?
    Homer: France.
    Scorpio: [laughs] Nobody ever says Italy.
    [Unseen by Homer, Scorpio has a James Bond-esque secret agent chained to a table under a laser, a la Goldfinger.]
    Scorpio: Ingenious, isn't it Mr. Bont?
    Mr. Bont: [in an accent reminiscent of Connery] Scorpio, you're totally mad!
    Scorpio: Ha, I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk!
    Mr. Bont: So do you expect me to talk?
    Scorpio: I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a cheap funeral.

## Burns, Baby Burns

    Larry: Hey, Casey Jones, where this train headed?
    Conductor: Springfield.
    Larry: Yeah, Yeah. What state?
    Conductor: This train going to--
    [Train whistle blows]
    Larry: What I'm trying to say is--
    Mr. Burns: You're what, selling light bulbs? Worried about the whales? Keen on Jesus? Out with it!
    Larry: Well Mr. Burns, I'm your son! [Mr. Burns is shocked, Larry looks at his foot] Oh, and I stepped on one of your peacocks. You got a paper towel?
    Mr. Burns: I should've known you were the only one stupid enough to kidnap you! Now get down here so I can spank you in front of this gawking rabble. Smithers, take off my belt.
    Smithers: With pleasure, sir.
    Larry: Oh, we've got to find a place to hide.
    Homer: The abandoned warehouse! [they enter the warehouse. Inside, people are busily working] D'oh! Stupid economic recovery.
    [Larry Burns is sitting at the buffet, like it's his own dinner table]
    Larry: Pull up a seat Pops, you too Chuckles. The food ain't great, but the portions are terrific.
    [The insulted chef glowers at him]
    Larry: Hey I'm kiddin'. Give my regards to Mrs. Boyardee.
    Larry: Hey, I got a wife an' kids. Oh, that reminds me. They're probably wondering where I am. I told 'em I was going out for coffee. [Quickly looks at his watch] That was a week ago.

## Bart After Dark

    Belle: Are you wearing a grocery bag?
    Homer: [dignified fashion] I have misplaced my pants.
    [The citizens of Springfield are watching slides that show Maison Derriere's clients]
    Slide of Dr. Hibbert
    Bernice: Julius!
    Slide of Chief Wiggum
    Sarah: Clancy!
    Slide of Skinner
    Chalmers: Skinner?
    Agnes: Seymour!
    Seymour: Mother...
    Slide of Patty
    Selma: [off-screen] Patty?
    Slide of Cletus
    Brandine: Cletus!
    Slide of Barney, to which nobody reacts
    Moe: ... Oh, uh... Barney.
    Slide of Chief Wiggum
    Sarah: Clancy!
    Chief Wiggum: Hey, come on, you did me twice.
    Slide of Smithers
    Mr. Burns: Smithers?
    Smithers: My... my parents insisted I give it a try, sir.
    Slide of Quimby, wearing a "Mayor" sash
    Luann: Mayor Quimby!
    Quimby: Uh, well, that could be any mayor.
    [Homer storms into the Maison Derriere's main hall to give Belle a piece of his mind]
    Homer: Hey Bart is my son and I don't want him working [a strip tease show begins in the background] so... late.
    Belle: Oh I agree, kids need rules and boundaries.
    Homer: [mesmerized by the show] Yes, everyone loves rules.
    Belle: It's so hard to be a parent today. Why with all the gangs, and the drugs.
    Homer: Oh yea drugs, drugs, ya gotta have drugs. [walks in to watch the show]
    Bart: Hey, he didn't pay the cover.
    Belle: Oh Bart, he's your father... We'll comp him tonight and start a tab tomorrow.
    Homer: You could close down Moe's or the Kwik-E-Mart
    And nobody would care
    But the heart and soul of Springfield's inn
    Our Maison Derrière...
    Belle: We're the sauce on your steak
    We're the cheese in your cake
    We put the spring in Springfield
    Showgirl 1: We're the lace on the nightgown
    Showgirl 2: The point after touchdown
    Belle/Showgirls: Yes, we put the spring in Springfield
    Belle: We're that little extra spice that makes existence extra-nice
    A giddy little thrill at a reasonable price
    Lovejoy: Our only major quarrel's with your total lack of morals
    Showgirl 3: Our skimpy costumes ain't so bad
    Showgirls 3/4: They seem to entertain your dad!
    Belle/Showgirls: The gin in your martini
    The clams on your linguine
    Yes, we put the (BOING!!) in Springfield
    Wiggum/Krusty/Skinner: We remember our first visit
    Quimby: The service was exquisite
    Ms. Quimby: Why Joseph, I had no idea!
    Quimby: Come on now, you were working here
    Abe/Jasper: Without it we'd have had no fun since March of 1961!
    Bart: To shut it down now would be twisted
    Jimbo/Dolph/Kearney: We just heard this place existeeeeed!
    Showgirls: We're the highlights in your hairdo
    Apu: The extra arms on Vishnu
    Showgirls: So don't take the (BWONG!!)
    Men: We won't take the (VUUEH!!)
    Everyone: Yes, let's be the (DON!!)
    In Springfieeeeeld!
    (SPLAT!! DAHK!! BONG!! WOOGA!! KRRRE!! EHURP!!)

## A Milhouse Divided

    Nelson: Hey, Van Houten, I heard your folks broke up.
    Milhouse: Aren't you gonna say, "Ha-ha"?
    Nelson: Oh, by no means. [sits down]: My dad left my mom after she got hooked on cough drops. By the end [voice breaks], her breath was so fresh...she wasn't really my mother anymore.
    Milhouse: Oh, so I guess I'm not alone.
    Kearney: Ah, you'll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid [slides over and reveals a child who bears a strong resemblance to Kearney], but he got over it.
    Kearney's Son: I sleep in a drawer.
    Kirk: Singles life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom.
    Homer: The one down the hall.
    Kirk: Yeah! And another great thing, you get your own bed. I sleep in a racing car, do you?
    Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
    Kirk: Oh. Yeah.
    Kirk: You're letting me go?
    Cracker Co. Foreman: Kirk, crackers are a family food - happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without.
    Kirk: So that's it, after twenty years, "So long, good luck?"
    Cracker Co. Foreman: I don't recall saying, "Good luck."
    [Homer is taking a bath until Bart comes in and hits him with a chair]
    Homer: [screams] Ow! Ow Duh-ow! What the hell is wrong with you?!
    Bart: Jeez, sorry. It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.

## Lisa's Date with Density

    Apu: Thank you. Come again.
    [Just as Homer is about to enter his car and drive home, he then hears the police radio from nearby. Chief Wiggum and his partners have just stopped a telemarking scam committed by a criminal named Jimmy the Scumbag, who is arrested for the crime as a result.]
    Chief Wiggum: It looks like we put the kibosh on another two-bit telephone swindle, boys. [turns to Jimmy] Frankly, I would have expected better from Jimmy the Scumbag.
    [Jimmy just shrugs and mutters. Wiggum pushes him into the back of his police car while Lou throws away an auto-dialer that was used by Jimmy during the scam. Homer watches the scene from nearby.]
    Homer: [points at the auto-dialer] Hey, what's this thing?
    Wiggum: Huh? Oh, that's an auto-dialer. [glances at Jimmy, then turns back to Homer] This bird was using it to pull a telemarketing scam. But, instead, he's gonna rot in the slammer for the next 20 years. Bread and water, icy showers, guards whomping your ass around the clock. [slams his fist on the windshield, startling Jimmy. ominously] And the only way out is suicide.
    [He makes a slashing neck gesture.]
    Homer: Telemarketing, eh?
    [At Springfield Elementary School, Principal Skinner and his staff are investigating the disappearance of the Honda logo on Superintendent Chalmers' Honda Accord. Nelson and his gang of bullies start laughing, which Skinner doesn't take kindly to.]
    Principal Skinner: Oh, you think this stolen "H" is a laugh riot, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now, Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl. [The entire class laughs at this. He can't help but chuckle himself as he finds it a little funny, too.] I guess it is a little funny. [turns serious again] Nonetheless, I will find the culprit. We'll start with- oh, I don't know- Bart Simpson!
    [He points at Bart. Groundskeeper Willie opens Bart's locker to allow Skinner to look inside.]
    Mr. Dewey Largo: Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"?
    Lisa: No, sir. I was laughing at something outside.
    Sherri: She was looking at Nelson!
    Class: [sing-song] Lisa likes Nelson!
    Milhouse: She does not!
    Class: [sing-song] Milhouse likes Lisa!
    Janey: He does not!
    Class: [sing-song] Janey likes Milhouse!
    Uter: She does not!
    Class: [sing-song] Uter likes Milhouse!
    Largo: Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention!
    Marge: Well, most women will tell you that you're a fool to think you can change a man, but those women are quitters.
    Lisa: What?
    Marge: When I first met your father, he was loud, crude, and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person.
    Lisa: Mom...?
    Marge: He's a whole new person, Lisa.
    Lisa: Oh, I know.
    Jimbo: [clucks and flaps his arms; to Nelson] Chicken!
    Ned: [answer on the phone] Howdily-doodely.
    Homer: [recording] Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look as--
    Ned: [hangs up] Oh, it's that darn recording again.
    Maude: Of course it was. It's been calling all night. Just unplug the phone.
    [Ned turns out the light and the phone rings again]
    Ned: Howdily-di--
    Homer: [recording] Greetings, friends.
    Ned: [hangs up again] Dang!
    Maude: I told you to unplug the phone.
    Ned: But it could be my mother! [the phone rings again; answers it] Howdy--
    Homer: [recording] Greetings, friends.
    Ned: [hangs up again] Shoot!
    Maude: That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn!
    Homer: [shouts through the window; to Ned and Maude] WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!
    Skinner: Who's out there? Give me your names, so I can tell the police.
    Agnes: [off-screen] Seymour! What's going on? What's that odor?
    Skinner: Go back to bed, Mother. I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb bums, if you think I'm impressed, I am not…
    [Skinner is stunned at Nelson and his friends mooning at him]
    Skinner: Oh, brandishing your buttocks is only making me angrier!
    Agnes: [off-screen] I wanna see what's going on!
    Skinner: No, Mother! Don't look out the window!
    [Agnes screams, Skinner sighs]
    Ned: [answers on the phone] Howd--
    Homer: [recording] Greetings, friends.
    Maude: [off-screen] Ned, did you plug that phone back in?
    Homer: [shouts again] SHUT UP!!! [slams the window]

## Hurricane Neddy

    [The hallway starts to become extremely narrow and small]
    Ned: Oh, something is definitely wrong with this hallway.
    [He opens a 4-inch-tall door]
    Barney: Come on in! It's your master bedroom! [Ned shuts the dollhouse-sized door] Ow! My nose!
    Ned: Well, I've seen about enough.
    [Outside, Homer concludes the tour]
    Homer: So, Flanders, what do you think of the house that love built? [taps the door, and the first level of the house immediately collapses, and after a few seconds, so does the second level, leaving the whole house a pile of rubble once more] Aw, shoot.
    [Ned walks away and begin to cleans his glasses, a lens snaps off, he groans, and puts his glasses on]
    Ned: Now calm down, Neddilly-diddly-diddly-diddly-doodly... They did their best, shodilly-iddly-iddly-diddly... Gotta be nice, hostility-ility-biddly-diddly... [screams in frustration] AW, HELL, DIDDLY-DING-DONG CRAP! CAN'T YOU MORONS DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!
    [Everyone gasps]
    Krusty: Hey!
    Marge: Ned, we meant well! And everyone here tried their best--
    Ned: WELL, MY FAMILY AND I CAN'T LIVE IN GOOD INTENTIONS, MARGE! OH, YOUR FAMILY'S OUT OF CONTROL, BUT WE CAN'T BLAME YOU, BECAUSE YOU HAVE "GOOD INTENTIONS"!
    Bart: Hey, back off, man!
    Ned: Ooh, okay, dude! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, man! Here's a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years: "Hey, buddy, 'GOT A QUARTER?!"
    [Everyone gasps again and murmured]
    Bart: I am shocked and appalled.
    Lisa: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything.
    Ned: [gasps sarcastically] Do I hear the sound of butting in?! It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson, Springfield's answer to A QUESTION NO ONE ASKED! [Chief Wiggum laughs] What do we have here? [shakes Chief Wiggum's belly] The long, flabby arm of the law?! The last case you got to the bottom of WAS A CASE OF MALLOWMARS!
    Krusty: [opens a notebook and begins writing] Mallowmars, oh, that's going in the act.
    Ned: Oh, yeah, the clown. The only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh! [to Lenny] And as for you, I don't know you but I'm sure you're a jerk!
    Lenny: Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on?
    Ned: [to Moe] You ugly, hate-filled man!
    Moe: [outraged and offended] Hey, hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I... [then confused] um... what was the third thing you said?
    [Deleted Scene]
    Ned: [to Milhouse] WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, FOUR-EYES?!
    Milhouse: But... but you have glasses too!
    [Ned walks over to Homer]
    Ned: [calmly yet coldly and sternly] Homer... you are the worst human being I have ever met. [starts to storm away]
    Homer: Hey, I got off pretty easy.
    [After concluding his nervous breakdown, Ned walks away in front of the shocked crowd]
    Maude: Neddy, uh, wait. Where are you going?
    [Ned gets into his car and drives away. Once far enough from all this, he turns on the radio, calmly humming to Aloha Oe. Reaching his destination, he signals right, and drives through the gates of the Calmwood Mental Hospital]
    [Thirty years previously, young Ned and his beatnik parents are in Dr. Foster's office. Ned is wreaking havoc]
    Dr. Foster: Get down from that bookshelf, please. Most of those books haven't been discredited yet! [to Ned's parents] Would you please tell your son to stop?
    Ned's Dad: We can't do it, man! That's discipline! That's like tellin' Gene Krupa not to go [starts banging on the desk, imitating playing drums] boom boom bam bam bam, boom boom bam bam bam, boom boom boom bam ba ba ba ba, da boo boo tss! We don't believe in rules, like, we gave them up when we started livin' like freaky beatniks!
    Dr. Foster: You don't believe in rules, yet you want to control Ned's anger.
    Ned's Mom: Yeah. You gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothin' and we're all out of ideas.
    Homer: [addressing Dr. Foster in the mirror] Aw, that's it, you just can't insult this guy. You call him a moron and he just sits there, grinning moronly.
    Ned: [to mirror] Hi, neighbor!
    Homer: You know what your problem is, Flanders? You're afraid to be human.
    Ned: Why would you say that?
    Homer: Because humans are obnoxious sometimes. Humans hate things.
    Ned: Well maybe a few of them do, back east.

## El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer

    Homer: What's that smell? Onions? Chili powder? Cumin? Juicy ground chuck?! It's chili!! Oh my God, I'm missing the chili cook-off! [whining, fidgeting] I'm missing the cook-off! It's going on right now, and I'm missing it!
    Marge: [annoyed] All right! I was trying to keep it from you, but I had a good reason. Every time you go to that cook-off, you get as drunk as a poet on payday. Don't you remember what happened last year?
    [Flashback to the previous year, in which a naked Homer frolics inside a cotton candy machine, a bottle of Duff in each hand]
    Homer: Look at me... I'm a puffy pink cloud!
    [He climbs out of the machine, scaring several kids, then lies down on the ground, where dogs lick at him. Back to the present]
    Homer: Well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it. Now where are my chili boots? [finds them in the closet] A-ha!
    Marge: Okay, we'll go to the chili cook-off, but I want you to promise that you won't have any beer.
    Homer: [pulling his chili boots on] Okay, quit nagging me, I won't have any beer! Sheesh, why don't you have a cigarette or something?
    Marge: Mm, I suppose I could.
    [Outside the lighthouse, Homer sees a sign saying that it is operated by Earl. Deciding that Earl is his soulmate, he rushes inside]
    Homer: Here I come, buddy! No more loneliness for Homer and Earl!
    [But when he enters the main room, he discovers that Earl is the "Electronic Automatic Robotic Lighthouse"]
    Homer: A machine?! Earl's a machine?! [sarcastic] Oh, that's just perfect! Homer's desperate search for a soulmate has yielded a lighthouse-keeping robot. Oh, wow.
    [His silhouette is projected by the lighthouse. Bart and Lisa see it as they brush their teeth]
    Bart: Hey, look! Is that Dad?
    Lisa: Either that, or Batman's really let himself go.

## The Springfield Files

    Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no. Now our story begins on a Friday morning in a little town called Springfield...
    [Homer encounters a glowing alien in a clearing]
    Homer: [whimpers in fear] Please! Don't hurt me!
    Alien: Don't be afraid.
    [Homer runs away screaming, creating "Yahhh!" in the grass as he goes]
    Scully: Now we're gonna run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?
    Homer: Yes.
    [Lie detector explodes]
    Mulder: [after subjecting Homer to a physical and numerous medical tests, Scully has set him on a treadmill] Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test?
    Scully: No point. I just figured he could stand to lose some weight.
    Mulder: [seeing the movement of Homer's belly] His jiggling is almost hypnotic.
    Scully: Yes. It's like a lava lamp.
    Marge: Please, just let it be?
    Homer: No, I can't. This is my cause. I'm like the man who singlehandedly built the rocket and went to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?
    Homer: This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!
    Bart: What if we don't?
    Homer: We'll fake it, and sell it to the Fox network.
    Bart: [chuckles] They'll buy anything.
    Homer: Now son, they do a lot of quality programming, too.
    [After a short pause, they both burst into laughter.]
    Homer: I kill me!
    Leonard Nimoy: And so, from this simple man came the proof that we are not alone in the universe, I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night.
    Squeaky-Voiced Teen: [off camera] Uh, Mr. Nimoy? We have ten minutes left.
    Leonard Nimoy: Oh. Uh, fine. Let me, uh, just get something out of my car.
    [He runs out of the room, starts his car and drives off]
    Squeaky-Voiced Teen: I don't think he's coming back.

## The Twisted World of Marge Simpson

    Man: That's the miracle of the franchise. You get all the equipment and know-how you need, plus a familiar brand-name people trust. You'll be on a rocket-ride to the moon! And while you're there, would you pick up some of that nice, green moon money for Royce McCutcheon!
    Homer: No deal McCutcheon, that moon money is mine!
    [Marge has decided to go into the pretzel business.]
    Marge: What's my territory?
    Frank Ormand: Your territory? Well, let me put it this way: wherever a young mother is ignorant as to what to feed her baby, you'll be there. Wherever nacho penetration is less than total, you'll be there. Wherever a Bavarian is not quite full, you'll be there.
    Marge: Don't forget fat people, they can't stop eating.
    Homer: [passing by] Hey, pretzels.
    [Homer goes to Frank Ormand's house and a woman in black answers the door.]
    Homer: I'm here to see Mr. Ormand.
    Woman: Of course. Right this way.
    [In the living room is Ormand's funeral being held]
    Homer: Oh, I guess I should speak to the executor of his estate.
    Woman: [whispering] He's right over there. [points to another coffin] They were in the same car.
    [Marge arrives at the school loading zone. An unshaven and ragged Skinner appears]
    Marge: Are you sure the children will get enough nutrition from these pretzels?
    Skinner: [monotonous] Yes I am sure. [a bandaged hand gives Marge money] Sure as sure can be.
    Marge: Oh my God. What happened to your fingers?
    Legs: [off-camera] Boating accident.
    Skinner: I believe it was a... boaking accident. [a laser sight is aimed at his temple] I have to go now.
    Fat Tony: Greetings, Homer.
    Homer: Hey! Fat Tony! You still with the mafia?
    Fat Tony: Uh, uh, yes, I am. Thank you for asking. Now, Homer, as you no doubt recall, you were done a favor by our, uh, how shall I say...Mafia Crime Syndicate.
    Homer: Oh yeah.
    Fat Tony: Now the time has come for you to do us a favor.
    Homer: [Gasp] You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? [Disappointed] Oh, Fat Tony. I will bid good day to you sir.
    Fat Tony: Okay...I will go [exits the building]...Hey...wait a minute.

## Mountain of Madness

    [A sip is all that's needed to boost his batteries.]
    Mr. Burns: We need some excitement around here!
    Smithers: Chinese checkers or domestic, sir?
    Mr. Burns: No, no. Something fun. Something the men will enjoy... like a safety drill! But what kind? Meltdown alert? Mad dog drill? Blimp attack? Ah... I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today. [presses the "Fire Drill" button as the alarm goes off, most people just stare, intrigued]
    Carl: All right, popcorn's ready! [takes the bag out of the microwave and pours kernels in a bowl]
    Homer: Hey! That's the fire alarm!
    Carl: We gotta get out of here!
    [They run out of the cafeteria]
    Lenny: Wait for me! [filling a cup at the cocoa machine] Come on, come on, come on!
    [All around the plant, it's panic and havoc. One man grabs an extinguisher, and proceeds to hit anyone nearing him.]
    Man: Get out of my way!
    [Homer storms into his sector and frantically tries to decide which framed picture on his panel he should rescue. Out of all the family photos, he chooses a black and white of himself dressed like a cowboy.]
    Man: Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire!
    [Mr. Burns and Smithers stand outside the plant, waiting for Burns' victims to evacuate.]
    Mr. Burns: Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?
    Smithers: Forty-five seconds!
    Mr. Burns: And what's our time so far?
    Smithers: I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to fifteen minutes.
    Mr. Burns: Damnation! What kind of slow coaches do I have working for me? Ah. Here comes one of our fellows now.
    [Homer runs out the door and shuts the door and secures it with a bench, before he runs, panting, to his boss.]
    Homer: I think I won, Mr. Burns.
    Mr. Burns: Yes! [Hauntingly] You won, all right! You won more than you bargained for.
    Homer: Woo-hoo!
    [Mr. Burns scolds his employees (who finally made an escape, albeit messily) for showing a lack of teamwork. Lenny and Carl get into a fistfight, proving his point. The crowd cheers the fight, but Mr. Burns shows disappointment.]
    Mr. Burns: What a disgraceful display! I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film. You all need a serious lesson in teamwork.
    Carl: Maybe he does, but I don't.
    Lenny: Hey, you take that back!
    Carl: No! You take that back!
    Homer: Hit him, Carl! You too, Lenny! D'oh!
    Homer: So, Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
    Bart: Teamwork is overrated.
    Homer: Huh?
    Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.
    Lisa/Marge: Yankees.
    Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
    Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think we have to go to the retreat anyway.
    [Employees are teamed up by pulling names out of a hat]
    Smithers: [Draws a name] Homer Simpson, and [draws another] Mr. Burns?
    Homer: [Disappointed] AWWW!!
    Homer's Brain: Quiet, you idiot. You're on the only team that can't possibly be fired!
    Homer: [Intrigued] Oh...
    [Smithers is hiking up the snowy mountain, alone, cursing Mr. Burns]
    Smithers: How could you do this to me, Mr. Burns? After all I've done for you. Why, if you were here, I'd kick you right in your boney old behind!
    ["boney old behind" echoes through the mountain, Mr. Burns and Homer hear it]
    Mr. Burns: Why, thank you, Simpson! I have been watching my figure.
    Smokey the Bear Robot: Only who can prevent forest fires?
    [out of choices "you" and "me", Bart presses "you"]
    Smokey the Bear Robot: You pressed "You" referring to me. The correct answer was you.
    Burns: Ah sitting, the great leveler. From the lowliest peasant to the mightiest pharaoh, who does not enjoy a good sit?
    Homer: Oh, man, you are so right. Did you ever sit like this?
    Mr. Burns: Yes, yes, that's it. Oh, I could go for one of those right now. Ahh! The only hard part is getting up.
    Homer: He-he. Why get up? Here's a little move I have been tinkering with. Say I wanted that bowl of dip.
    Mr. Burns: Why, you'd have to get up.
    Homer: Oh?
    [Homer pounds table, which causes bowl to leap several times until it comes into Homer's hand]
    Mr. Burns: Sir, I am in your debt.
    Homer: Use it wisely, my friend.
    [An avalanche rumbles in the distance]
    Lenny: ... Hey, did you hear something?
    Carl: No?
    Lenny: Hm. Did I?
    Carl: I don't know.
    Carl: According to the map, the cabin should be right here.
    Lenny: Hey, maybe there is no cabin. Maybe it's one of them metaphorical things.
    Carl: Oh yeah, yeah... Like maybe the cabin is the place inside each of us, created by our goodwill and teamwork.
    Lenny: [in a flash of insight] Ohhh! Nah, they said there would be sandwiches.

## Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious

    Homer: All right, Marge, I'll get you your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War recreation society I love so much.
    [at Moe's, everyone, including Moe, is dressed like 1800s military generals]
    Moe: [hangs up the phone] Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.
    Barney: [dressed like Lincoln] And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson.
    Apu: [Apu emerges from the men's room dressed like a Hindu military official] The south shall come again!
    [Kearney applies for the nanny position]
    Kearney: I'm here for the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids, and if they get outta line...[pounds his fist into his hand]: Pow!
    Homer: I like him!
    Kearney: [to Homer] Thanks. Hey, where do ya keep the liquor?
    Homer: I hide a bottle of Schnapps in the baby's crib.
    Marge: [to Kearney] I'm sorry, young man. You're not what we're looking for!
    Kearney: [walks away, muttering] Tellin' me, ya blue-haired witch.
    Marge: I heard that!
    Shary: Hello, I'm Shary Bobbins.
    Homer: Did you say Mary Pop—
    Shary: [interrupts] No, I definitely did not! I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse and Monald Muck.
    Shary: [drunk, singing] Wasting away again in Margaritaville...
    Barney: [drunk, singing] Searching for my lost shaker of salt – oh, here it is!
    [During the Krusty Komedy Klassic: Krusty steps out onstage. Three white "K"s are behind him]
    Krusty the Clown: Hey-hey! It's great to be here at the Apollo Theater, and -- [notices the unfortunate initials of his comedy special behind him]: "KKK"? That's not good. [audience begins booing and chucking bottles and tomatoes at him]
    TV Host: Now, let’s take a look at a young Charles Bronson’s brief stint replacing Andy Griffith in The Andy Griffith Show.
    [Cut to scene from said show; Barney Fife is standing in front of the desk where Charles Bronson is sitting reading a newspaper]
    Barney Fife: Where’s Otis? He’s not in his cell!
    Charles Bronson: I shot him.
    Barney Fife: Well, that’s- [suddenly realizing what Bronson said] WHAT?
    Charles Bronson [stands up and pulls out a revolver]: Now I’m goin’ down to Emmett’s Fix-It Shop. [cocks gun] To...”fix” Emmett. [walks away whistling the show theme]

## The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show

    Network Executive Lady: We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy, he's "in your face." You've heard the expression, "let's get busy"? Well, this is a dog who gets "biz-zay!" Consistently and thoroughly.
    Krusty: So he's proactive, huh?
    Network Executive Lady: Oh, God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
    Writer: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. [pause] I'm fired, aren't I?
    Roger Myers Jr.: Oh, yes.
    June Bellamy: Relax, Homer. You'll do fine. I'm June Bellamy. I do the voices of Itchy and Scratchy.
    Homer: You? But you're a lady.
    June: [mimicking Itchy] She's a lady, all right. [mimicking Scratchy] A beautiful lady.
    Homer: [laughing] Hey, that really is you. How did you get to be so good?
    June: Oh, just experience, I suppose. I started out as Road Runner. [mimicking The Road Runner] Meep!
    Homer: You mean "Meep, meep"?
    June: No. They only paid me to say it once, then they doubled it on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards.
    Doug: Uh, question for Ms. Bellamy. In episode 2F09*, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a... [the nerds chuckle] a magic xylophone or something? Gee, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
    June: Uh, well, uh...
    Homer: I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
    Doug: [embarrassed pause] I withdraw my question. [starts eating a candy bar]
2F09 is actually the production code for the season six Simpsons episode "Homer the Great"
    Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever! Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.
    Bart: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
    Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
    Bart: What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them!
    Comic Book Guy: [pause] Worst. Episode. Ever.
    [In the latest episode of "Itchy and Scratchy," Itchy has frozen Scratchy in an ice block for an ice-sculpting contest. Itchy begins to slice Scratchy with a chainsaw, but then Poochie walks in.]
    Scratchy: Well, look who's here!
    Itchy: Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?
    Poochie: Yes, I certainly do! [his image freezes, and we hear Myers's voice dubbing over the image, saying…] I have to go now. My planet needs me.
    [The animation cel with Poochie on it actually slides upward in a choppy manner as a slide-whistle sound is heard. Then a handwritten note in red marker appears, reading: "NOTE: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet."]
    Bart: Wow! Poochie came from another planet?
    Lisa: Uh, I guess...
    Homer: Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me! [see Krusty on TV]
    Krusty: Poochie's dead! [laughing; children in the audience cheer loudly] Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that Poochie will never, ever, ever return! [Blue-Haired Lawyer examines the affidavit]
    Blue-Haired Lawyer: This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes. [kids cheer]
    Jasper: Is this seat taken, little girl?
    Bart: I'm not a girl! Are you blind?!
    Jasper: [sadly] Yes...

## Homer's Phobia

    John: Homer, what have you got against gays?
    Homer: You know! It's not...usual! If there was a law, it would be against it!
    Marge: Oh, please, Homer, you're embarrassing yourself!
    Homer: No, I'm not, Marge! They're embarrassing me! They're embarrassing America! They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names, like Bruce, and Lance, and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just, uh...
    John: Queer?
    Homer: Yeah! And that's another thing: I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it! Well, I'm taking back our word, and I'm taking back my son!
    Roscoe: [to workers] Hey! Listen up! I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons.
    Workers: [waving in a sissy-like way] Hell-o-o!
    Homer: [gasps] Has the whole world gone insane?
    Steel Mill Worker #1: [High-pitched effeminate voice] Stand still, there's a spark in your hair!
    Steel Mill Worker #2: [Similar voice] Get it, get it, get it!
    [Homer whimpers]
    Steel Mill Worker #3: [walks past Homer holding a vat of hot steel in hot pants] Hot stuff, comin' through!
    Homer: Aah!
    Bart: Dad, why'd you bring me to a gay steel mill?
    Homer: I don't know! This is a NIGHTMARE! [to the workers] YOU'RE ALL SICK!
    Steel Mill Worker #4: [waves his hand] Oh, be nice!
    Homer: Ohh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! [a whistle goes off] Oh my God, what's happening now?
    Roscoe: We work hard. We play hard.
    [He pulls a chain, and the entire mill is transformed into a night club called "The Anvil", with all the workers dancing to "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)". Homer slowly backs away, frightened, covering Bart's eyes.]

## Brother from Another Series

    Announcer: It's the Krusty the Klown Prison Special!
    Krusty: [singing] I slugged some jerk in Tahoe, they gave me one-to-three / My high-priced lawyer sprung me on a technicality / I'm just visiting Springfield Prison / I get to sleep at home tonight...
    [Angry mutterings from the convict audience.]
    Krusty: Hey, I kid! I kid 'cause I love! I tell ya, the best folk in the world are prison folk!
    [Cheering.]
    Bart: Man, those cons love Krusty! I guess inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
    Lisa: And vice versa.
    Sideshow Bob: And whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder Bart Simpson.
    [Bart screams as he sees Sideshow Bob on TV, runs upstairs to his room, door closes]
    Homer: He said tried!
    Marge: Someone should really go up there and talk to him.
    [Lisa sighs as she goes upstairs]
    [Homer sighs]
    Marge: Homer!
    Homer: Ohh, all those stairs.
    [Homer, Marge and Maggie goes upstairs to see Bart in his room]
    Title Card: Frasier is a hit show on the NBC Television Network.
    Cecil: Now make yourself at home. Perhaps a glass of Bordeaux? I have the '82 Château Latour and a rather indifferent Rausan-Ségla.
    Bob: I've been in prison, Cecil. I'll be happy just as long it doesn't taste like orange drink fermented under a radiator.
    Cecil: That would be the Latour, then.
    Sideshow Bob: Oh, come now! You've wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college?
    Cecil: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.
    Cecil: Thanks for driving me, big brother. These giants clown mitts are extremely hilarious, but they do make it difficult to shift gears.
    Bob: That's the title of Erma Bombeck's latest, isn't it?
    [During Cecil's audition to be Krusty's sidekick, his pie gag falls flat. Krusty and his producers are unimpressed.]
    Krusty: Free comedy tip, Slick: the pie gag's only funny if the sap's got dignity. [notices Bob dressed up] Like that guy. Hey, Hal! Pie job for Lord Autumnbottom there!
    [A pie hits Bob in the face. His hat flies off and his hair springs up to his signature palm tree afro with a "boing!" sound.]
    Bob: Oh, dear.
    [Krusty and his producers laugh uproariously. Gradually, Bob begins to appreciate the recognition and smiles.]
    Krusty: That guy's a genius! He's gonna change the way we think about getting hit by pies. You're hired!
    [Cecil is dismayed when he sees Bob getting hired for a job he wanted so bad.]
    Cecil: When that pie hit your face, I saw my dreams explode in a burst of cream and crust. But I suppose I should thank you. After all, it lead me to my true calling.
    Bob: Cecil, no civilisation in history has ever considered chief hydrological engineer a calling.
    [Cecil clears his throat]
    Bob: Yes, yes, the Cappadocians, fine.
    [Cecil and Bob arrive at a flowing river by the cliff.]
    Cecil: Here it is, the future site of the Springfield Hydroelectric Dam.
    Bob: Just the thought of all that raw surging power makes me wonder why the Hell I should care.
    Cecil: Because you'll be supervising the construction crew.
    Bob: Oh great. Whenever a woman passes by, I suppose it will be my job to lead the hooting. 'Oh yeah! Shake it, madam. Capital knockers!'
    [After Cecil locks Bob, Bart and Lisa inside the collapsing dam]
    Lisa: Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless!
    Bob: [offended] Oh, I see. When it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough, but when Cecil tries to kill you, [mockingly] "it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless!"
    Cecil: [to Bob and Bart as he is about to blow up the dam with dynamite] There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them.
    Bob: I'm older, I get the top bunk!
    Cecil: Oh poppycock! I called it at the arraignment!

## My Sister, My Sitter

    [Homer answers the door to Ned Flanders]
    Ned: Homer, I've got a Fozzie of a bear of a problem! See, Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. Well, they must have kneeled in the wrong place, and prayed to the wrong god, because, well, they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort!
    Homer: Militants, huh? Well, if I were you, I'd kick their asses.
    Ned: Well, any whodilly-doodle, the embassy says it's a routine hostage-taking, but I have to drive to Capitol City and fill out forms to get them out. Could you possibly watch the kids tonight?
    Homer: Oh, gee, I'd really love to wanna help you, Flanders, but, uh... Marge was... taken prisoner in the....Holy Land, and, uh...
    Lisa: [tugging at Homer's hand] I'll do it! I'll babysit!
    Ned: Well, I dunno, Lisa. You're awfully young, and the boys can be a handful. Todd's been pinching everyone lately!
    Lisa: But I'm smart and responsible and my parents will be right next door!
    Ned: Well, whaddya say, Homer? Can Lisa babysit my kids?
    Lisa: Please, please, please?
    Homer: Eh, I'll have to ask her. [slams the door]
    [Lisa drags Bart upstairs to put him to bed]
    Lisa: Why do you have to make this so hard?
    Bart: I'm using nonviolent resistance.
    Lisa: Ugh! The idea that you would compare yourself to Mahatma Gandhi...
    Bart: Who?
    Lisa: [sees Bart eating a bread] I thought I told you to go to bed.
    Bart: Yeah right, bread. You said go to bread.
    Lisa: [clenched her teeth] I said, go to bed!
    Bart: Yeah. Go to bread.
    Lisa: B-E-D! BED!
    Bart: Oh, bed. Oh! Anything you say sis. [leaves the table]
    [Lisa twitches her eye, growling]

## Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment

    Moe: [as he enters the bar, carrying a jug of green rat poison] Listen up! This is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers? [Two men raise their hands]. BEAT IT! I got no room for cheapskates.
    Mayor Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol! It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism!
    Marge: What happened to you Homer? And what have you done to the car?
    Homer: Nothing.
    Marge: I don't think it had broken axles before.
    Homer: Before, before. You're living in the past, Marge, quit living in the past!
    [Barney Gumble shows up drunk and puts his face against a diner window]
    Barney: Hello fishies.[Belches]
    [Rex Banner punches the window out with his bare hand and grabs Barney]
    Banner: Aright rummy, I'm gonna say it to ya plain and simple. Where'd ya pinch the hooch? Is some Blind Tiger jerkin' suds on the side?
    Barney: [Pause] ...Yes?
    [Homer and Bart come out of the basement with another wheelbarrow of bowling balls filled with beer]
    Homer: Wait a minute, I forgot to make sure the coast was clear. Eh, it's probably clear, let's go.
    [Homer walks forward with the wheelbarrow of bowling balls, but stops when Marge and Lisa are stood in the way. He shrieks and the wheelbarrow falls over, with the bowling balls sprawling on the floor and the beer pours out.]
    Marge: Beer!
    Homer: I can explain, Marge! Please let me explain! OH WHY WON'T YOU LET ME EXPLAIN?!
    Marge: You're the one the papers have been talking about. That mysterious Beer Baron who's been supplying Springfield with alcohol. How have you been getting away with this?
    Homer: Well... and I can explain remember. I fill the balls with beer that I found at the dump, then bowl them, and some underground pipes stick 'em into Moe's.
    Marge: Homer, that's very clever!
    Homer: Huh?
    Lisa: [surprised] Mom?
    Marge: Well it is. I've known your father since high school and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done. Besides, he's only breaking a silly 200-year old law.
    Homer: It is silly, Marge. And look at all the money I'm making!
    [Homer shows Marge the dollar bills.]
    Marge: Ooh!
    Lisa: Mom! Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have-
    [Homer, Marge and Bart point upwards.]
    Homer, Marge and Bart: GO TO YOUR ROOM LISA!
    Rex Banner: What kind of pet shop is full of rambunctious yahoos, and hot jazz music at 1 a.m.?
    Moe: Umm...Ahh...The best damn pet shop in town.
    Barney: Ow...! These gears down there really hurt!
    [Rex Banner suspiciously eyes passers-by on the sidewalk. He grabs Ned Flanders.]
    Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
    Ned: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guil-diddly-ilty as char-diddly-arged.
    Rex Banner: [To Eddie and Lou] He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Bring him in!
    [Next, he grabs Comic Book Guy]
    Rex Banner: Are you the Baron?
    Comic Book Guy: Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.
    Rex Banner: Don't crack wise with me, tubby!
    Comic Book Guy: "Tubby?" [looking at his ample gut] Oh, yes. "Tubby."
    [Homer and Bart suddenly pass by, towing behind them a wagon full of hops, barley and sour mash.]
    Homer: Hey, Banner. How's it hangin'?
    Banner: None of your business.
    [Homer and Bart are making bathtub gin and other liqor in the basement]
    Lisa: Now you're making your own alcohol? That's even more illegal than what you were doing before.
    Homer: Lisa remember we're disobeying an unjust law here. We're patriots, like... all those people in jail.
    Homer: To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems.

## Grade School Confidential

    [Bart has seen Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel kissing.]
    Bart: So I looked out the window, and there it was the grossest sight I have ever--
    Skinner: [through speaker] Bart Simpson, report to the principal's office immediately!
    [in the principal's office]
    Skinner: Now, Bart... son. I don't know what you think you saw but uh, let me assure you that...
    Mrs. Krabappel: What Seymour- oh, what Principal Skinner means to say, Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him!
    Bart: That's the best you can do? You could have at least said you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play!
    Skinner: Is it... too late to say that?
    Bart: Mmm-hmm!
    Mrs. Krabappel: [cough] We're just a little concerned. If people were to find out the principal was dating a teacher, they might see it as a conflict of interest.
    Skinner: [chuckles] And there are those who might try to use it against us for their own advantage-
    Bart: Like me, for one!
    Skinner: Like you, for... Bart, if life has taught me one lesson repeatedly, it's to know when I'm beaten. Let's talk deal.
    [Wendell and his colleagues get food poisoning from the oysters at the Princes' backyard.]
    Wendell: Oh, my tummmmmmmyyyyyyyyyy!!!! [collapses on Martin Sr.'s shoes]
    Martin Sr. [to Martha]: I told you we should've served cake instead of oysters!
    Martin: I'm ruined!
    Nelson: [punches Martin] Ha-haugh… [collapses on the ground]
    Homer: Wait a minute. Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? I've been making an idiot out of myself!
    Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.
    Chief: Baby looked at you? Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers! [Sarah dials the phone] Thank you, Sarah!
    Agnes: [to Bart, who is keeping her busy whilst Seymour and Edna sneak out] I collect pictures of wedding cakes from different periods. [She opens a book containing photographs of cakes] It all started in 1969 when Good Housekeeping featured a picture of a lovely cake.
    Bart: You wouldn't happen to have any real cakes around here, would you?
    Agnes: Oh my, no. Don't care for cake, too sweet. [points at a cake] Now, this is called a Lady Baltimore cake. At my age, I don't have that much saliva left, so you'll have to lick my thumb before I turn the page.
    Bart: Aw, can't I just turn the page for you?
    Agnes: [slaps his hand away, harsher] No! [sweetly] But you can pick out any picture you want to take home with you.
    Bart: Erm...O.K. I'll take...that one.
    Agnes: [slaps his hand away] NO!
    Bart: Aah! What the-
    Agnes: You can't have that one: that's a coconut cake!
    Maude: Excuse me, Edna, I don't think we're talking about love here! We're talking about s-e-x, in front of the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n!
    Krusty: "Sex Cauldron?" I thought they closed that place down!

## The Canine Mutiny

    Reverend Lovejoy: Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper...littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse.
    Agnes: [yells angrily] He unholied the holy water!
    Bart: That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands.
    Reverend: Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us.
    Bart: [gasps in terror] You didn't crucify him?
    Reverend: [hearty laugh] No, he's safely with one of our parishioners. I'll give you his address if you like.
    Agnes: And then buy something or get out! [Rev. Lovejoy gives her an angry look.] Angel.
    Bart: I'm going to get the dog back!
    Homer: The bad dog or the good dog?
    Bart: The bad dog.
    Homer: Oh, good.
    Bart: Excuse me, did you repossess this dog from a guy named Santos L. Harper?
    Repo Man: Yeah, I remember this mutt. We sold him to some guy wearing a dress.
    [At Patty and Selma's front door]
    Selma: No Bart, I did not buy your dog. Now, I gotta go keep an eye on Selma. She thinks she swallowed a band aid.
    [Inside Groundskeeper Willy's shack]
    Willy: Yea I had your dog and I ate him. [takes a bite of chicken]
    Bart: [Gasps in horror]
    Willy: Aye, I 'ate his little face. I 'ate his guts and I 'ate the way 'e's always barking! So I gave 'im to the church.
    Bart: Oh, I see! You hate him, so you gave him to the church.
    Willy: Aye, I also 'ate that mess he left on me rug.
    [Bart gives a puzzled look]
    Willy: Ye heard me!

## The Old Man and the Lisa

    Mr. Burns: I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't wanna be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phoney-baloney church, or [finger quotes] "synagogue". Questions?
    [somewhat long pause, finally Skinner raises his hand]
    Principal Skinner: Well, uh, I'm gonna take advantage of this rare opportunity even if you children aren't interested. Which do you think is more important? Hard work, or stick-to-itiveness?
    Mr. Burns: Are there any real questions?
    Lisa: Yes. Does your plant have a recycling program?
    Mr. Burns: "Re-cy-cling"? [He turns his mental dictionary to "R", and searches but doesn't find "recycle" anywhere] I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin.
    Lisa: You never heard of recycling? It means to reuse things to conserve our natural resources.
    Mr. Burns: Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing?! Well, I say, hard cheese.
    Kent Brockman: Remember C. Montgomery Burns? The man who blocked out our sun, ran over a local boy, and stole Christmas from 1981 to 1985 inclusive. Well, guess who's broke and picking up trash for a living?
    Homer: [watching television in the living room] Please be Flanders. Please be Flanders. Please be Flanders.
    Mr. Burns: [to Krusty after looking at Krusty-O's] Would you happen to know where I could find the Burns-O's?
    Krusty the Clown: Sorry pops, they don't put nobodies on cereal boxes.
    Mr. Burns: [looking at two ketchup bottles] Ketchup... Catsup... Ketchup... Catsup... Castup... K... k... Ooh, I'm in way over my head.
    Mr. Burns: Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this stock market crash?
    Smithers: Well, it was 25 years before I was born.
    Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything.

## In Marge We Trust

    Homer: Oh, I'd love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.
    Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
    Homer: Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.
    Lovejoy: And the very same goes for Ezekiel, which brings us back to our starting point, The Nine Tenets of Constancy.
    Homer: [yawns and hits his head on the bench] DAMN IT!!! [the churchgoers gasp]
    Lovejoy: [sternly clears throat] I seem to have lost my place, so I'll start over.
    Moe: Oh, for the love of crumb cake!
    Akira: [on phone] Hai. Hai. Hai. Bye. [turns to Homer] Hi!
    Homer: [hands Akira a detergent box] Akira, can you read this for me?
    Akira: Ah, yes. This is a product called Mr. Sparkle, very popular dish detergent. [points at the mascot on the box] Hey, he looks like you! [laughs]
    Lisa: What's he saying?
    Akira: He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.
    Lisa: Wow!
    Akira: Yes, you have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson. This soap is from the sacred forest of Hokkaidō, renowned for its countless soap factories.
    Homer: Hokkaidō, eh?
    Bart: There's your answer, fish-bulb.
    Reverend Lovejoy: [regaling his congregation of his fight with the monkeys at the zoo] Baboons to the left of me. Baboons to the right. The speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs. A pair of the great apes rose up at me but -- bam, bam! -- I sent them flying like two hairy footballs. A third came screaming at me! [imitates hissing baboon][quietly resolved] ...and that's when I got mad.
    Homer: Now, that's religion!

## Homer's Enemy

    [Alarms blare and red lights flash at Homer's work station]
    Grimes: Simpson, you've got a 5-13.
    [Homer glances at his watch]
    Grimes: No, a 5-13, in your procedures manual? A 5-13?
    [Homer glances at his watch again]
    Grimes: [points] Look at your control panel!
    Homer: Oh, a five thir-teen. I'll handle it.
    [He calmly walks into his work station, takes a bucket of water and pours it on his console, shorting it out and silencing the alarms]
    Homer: That got it.
    [Grimes looks on in horror]
    Grimes: [talking about Homer] God, he eats like a pig!
    Lenny: I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.
    Homer: Hi, Grimey old buddy!
    Grimes: I'm not your buddy, Simpson. I don't like you. In fact, I hate you! Stay the hell away from me, because from now on, we're enemies!
    Homer: [haltingly] Okay... Do I have to do anything?
    Homer: Oh, I can’t believe it. I got an enemy. Me, the most beloved man in Springfield.
    Moe: Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.
    Homer: No, I won't accept that.
    Moe: No, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list." [reaches under the bar for a sheet of paper]
    Barney: [takes list and reads it] Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list! You just crossed out his name and put yours!
    Moe: Okay, gimme that, gimme it back. [takes list and writes] Barney Gumble.
    Barney: Aw...
    Grimes: [is invited to the Simpsons' for dinner] Good heavens, this is a palace! How can-- How in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Simpson?
    Homer: [shrugging] I dunno. Don't ask me how the economy works.
    Grimes: Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I-I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley!
    Homer: [clearly not getting it] Wow!
    Grimes: [sees pictures on the wall] I'm sorry, isn't that…
    Homer: Yeah, that's me, all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford… And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins… Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space!
    Grimes: You? Went into outer space?! You?
    Homer: Sure! You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award?
    Grimes: [angrily] No! I wouldn't! God, I've had to work hard every day of my life, and what do I have to show for it?! This briefcase, and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?!
    Homer: ... What?
    Grimes: Everything! A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes and [sniffs air] lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? No!
    Homer: [gasps] What are you saying?
    Grimes: I'm saying you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leech off of decent, hardworking people like me. Heh, if you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago.
    Bart: He's got you there, Dad.
    Grimes: You're a fraud. A total fraud. [he starts to leave; to Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie] It was nice meeting you. [he slams the door]
    [Bart notices that the factory has collapsed]
    Bart: Ah, jeez. Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman!
    Milhouse: I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.
    Bart: Wow. Wonder where all the rats are gonna go?
    [Dozens of rats run out from under the rubble and into Moe's Tavern]
    Moe: OK, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.
    Smithers: Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.
    [Ralph wanders on-stage with a re-labelled Malibu Stacey dollhouse]
    Smithers: [chuckles indulgently] It's pretty good, sir.
    Mr. Burns: Hot tub? Media room? It's supposed to be a power plant! Not Anne Bueller's bordello! Thank you, get out. Next!
    [long pause]
    Chief Wiggum: Uh, Ralphie? Get off the stage, sweetheart!
    [Martin walks on-stage with his impressive power plant model]
    Martin: Behold! The power plant of the future...today!
    Mr. Burns: Ugh! Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart?
    Martin: But it really generates power. It's lighting this room right now!
    [Martin turns a knob on the model and dims the lights]
    Mr. Burns: You lose, get off my property!
    [Homer walks onstage with his power plant model]
    Grimes: Look, everybody! Simpson's in a contest with children!
    Lenny: Hey, shush!
    Carl: You're making us miss the contest.
    [Homer sets his model down. Mr. Burns looks at it]
    Mr. Burns: Could you explain your model, young man?
    Grimes: What's to explain? He's an idiot!
    Lenny: Pipe down!
    Homer: Well, basically I just copied the plant we have now.
    Mr. Burns: Hmm.
    Homer: Then, I added some fins to lower wind resistance and this racing stripe here I feel is pretty sharp.
    Mr. Burns: Agreed. First prize! [Mr. Burns gives Homer a ribbon and some cash]
    Grimes: WHAT?!
    Carl: Way to go, Homer!
    Lenny: You're number one, Homer!
    Grimes: But, but, t-t-this was a contest for children!
    Lenny: Yeah, and Homer beat their brains out!
    [Homer wins the children's nuclear power plant model contest, and everyone cheers. For Grimes, this is the last straw...]
    Grimes: I can't stand it any longer! This whole plant is insane! Insane, I tell you! [snaps mentally] DAAGH! AAGH!
    [He runs out into the corridor]
    Grimes: I can be lazy too! [yanks off his tie, and moons one of the employees] Look at me! Hi, I'm a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion!
    [He pulls up his pants and waddles away, cross-eyed, like a penguin. He enters the break room and grabs two donuts from a donut box]
    Grimes: Ooh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds!
    [Homer, Smithers and several other employees watch as Grimes scoffs down nearly all the donuts in the box, then runs into the men's bathroom]
    Grimes: [from the bathroom] I'm peeing on the seat! Give me a raise! [comes out of the bathroom and waves his hands in Homer's face] Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands! But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson!
    [He runs into Homer's work station and spins around in the chair]
    Grimes: I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me! [puts his feet up, and smacks himself on the forehead] D'oh, d'oh, d'oh!
    Homer: [looking worried] Hey, you okay, Grimey?
    Grimes: [getting up] I'm better than okay - I'm Homer Simpson!
    Homer: [chuckles] You wish.
    Grimes: [noticing Mr. Burns] Oh, hi, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster!
    [He notices some dangerous-looking wires on the wall]
    Grimes: What's this? [reads sign] "Extremely High Voltage". Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--
    [He grabs the wires and electrocutes himself; everyone winces]
    [Frank Grimes' funeral is underway]
    Reverend Lovejoy: Frank Grimes, or Grimey as he liked to be called, taught us that a man can triumph over adversity. And even though Frank's agonizing struggle through life was tragically cut short...
    Homer: [drooling and muttering in his sleep] Change the channel, Marge!
    [All the mourners and Reverend Lovejoy laugh]
    Lenny: That's our Homer!
    [Everyone continues to laugh as Frank's coffin is lowered into the ground]

## The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase

    [At Mardi Gras, Chief Wiggum is confronted by revelers wearing outsized party masks, who reveal themselves to be the Simpsons]
    Wiggum: If it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! What brings you folks to New Orleans?
    Bart: Mardi Gras, man. When the Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges.
    Lisa: Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.
    Wiggum: Well golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male, between the ages of six and ten, thinning hair.
    Homer: Over there. [points at Ralph and Big Daddy in the crowd]
    Ralph: [points at Chief Wiggum] Look, Big Daddy! It's regular Daddy!
    Big Daddy: The Chief! Ooh, I suppose I'd best to run. [fans himself with his hat] Lord have mercy, how I wish I weren't so fat.
    Hans Moleman: A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see, my cataracts are blinding me. [flower wilts]
    Tim Conway: [wearing a skunk costume] And they thought I stunk.

## The Secret War of Lisa Simpson

    Bart: Testing. [2 megaphones] Testing. [looks at the megaphones on the wall 5 times] Hmm, hmm, hmm....Hey. [devilish laughing; sets up 15 megaphones on chairs; fly buzzing; licks his lips] TESTING! [causes big sound wave explosion] TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING!
    [The soundwave causes the car alarms to go off, break the pet store window into pieces which causes the birds to screech, break the fish tank which causes the octopus cling onto Professor Fink, and break the Duff Beer bottles which causes to Homer scream in despair]
    [After Bart caused feedback from the massive sound wave unleashed on the town]
    Homer: [berating Bart] YOU'VE REALLY DONE IT THIS TIME, BART!!! YOU'RE IN FOR THE PUNISHMENT OF A LIFETIME!!!
    Lisa: WHEN DO YOU EXPECT THE RINGING WILL STOP?!
    Wiggum: [checks his watch] IN ABOUT...10 TO 15 SECONDS!
    Marge: I CERTAINLY HOPE SO! [gasps as the feedback stops] That's better. [Maggie takes the two pacifiers as ear plugs out of her ears; to Bart] Now about your punishment, young man...
    Bart: I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did.
    Homer: [stops him] Oh, no! Your room is full of toys! You're going to the, uh... garage!
    Bart: You're the boss.
    Firing range Instructor: Since you attended public school, I'm gonna assume you're already proficient with small arms, so we're gonna start you with something a little more advanced. [hands Bart a MGL]
    Bart: Ho-ho, baby! [fires off 5 grenades. 4 hit the targets, but the 5th flies off into the distance]
    Firing range instructor: 4 out of 5, Simpson. Impressive, but you missed your last target.
    Bart: [slyly] Did I?
    [Cut to a blackened and dumbstruck Principal Skinner, standing next to a smoking crater where his car used to be. Nelson watches in the background from the classroom window]
    Nelson: Ha-ha!
    Commandant: Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues by pitting you against each other in a two-day battle royale! [the cadets all gasp] That was prior to 1957, thank you very much, State Supreme Court. Consequently now, no cadet can receive a passing grade for the academic year without first conquering this. [points to a tightrope connected by two tall poles with thorn bushes underneath] Meet...The Eliminator. That's a 150-foot hand-over-hand crawl across a 60-gauge hemp-jute line with a blister factor of 12. The rope is suspended a full 40 feet over a solid British acre of old-growth Connecticut Valley thorn bushes. Gentlemen, welcome to flavor country.
    Lisa: This wasn't in the brochure.
    Senior cadet: [with other cadets sneaking back onto campus] I'm glad we snuck into town - that was some GOOD corn.