# NewsRadio (season 4)

    Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 | Main
NewsRadio is an American sitcom, originally broadcast from 1995 to 1999 by NBC.

### Jumper [4.1]

    Joe: I'm rewiring the phones for speed-dial, so like, if you have to call 911 you don't have to push a whole lot of buttons.
    Bill: What exactly do scissors help you be prepared for?
    Mike: In case I get arrested, to cut the handcuffs.
    Bill: Handcuffs are made of steel.
    Mike: So are scissors!!

### Planbee [4.2]

    [on making the station more productive]
    Mr. James: No, Plan A was a bust. I'd like you all to meet...Plan B.
    Andrea: Hi, everyone.
    Matthew: Planbee...what an interesting name...
    Andrea: Call me Andrea.
    Matthew: Nice to meet you, Andrea Planbee.
    Mr. James: Dave, please. You don't drop a piranha in a kiddie pool and then stick around to watch the bubbles.

### The Public Domain [4.3]

    Dave: What kind of job are you lined up for, anyway?
    Bill: I'm working on an act.
    Dave: I thought your whole life was an act.
    Dave: Why is it that everyone's solution to everything around here is some sort of covert plan?
    Joe: That's a secret.

### Super Karate Monkey Death Car [4.4]

    Joe: Did you commit any crimes that weren't SAT related?
    Lisa: I broke into a library.
    Beth: To vandalize it?
    Lisa: No, I had a big history test and the only copy of the Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.
    Matthew: Dave, when am I getting my job back? 'Cuz, I am going stir crazy.
    Dave: You have to have patience, Matthew. I'm doing everything I can.
    Matthew: Well, I'm doing my part.
    Dave: I know. Unfortunately, that is precisely why you were fired in the first place.

### French Diplomacy [4.5]

    Bill: Is it getting chilly in here, or are you wearing an anatomically correct bra?
    Mr. James: I've got so many lawyers lined up to see me, you'd think I had tobacco leaking outta my breast implants.

### Pure Evil [4.6]

    Dave: [about Bill] Oh God, I have created a monster.
    Catherine: No, he was already a monster. You just made him a very popular monster.
    Matthew: Why did we go to Hawaii together?
    Lisa: That was a dream.
    Matthew: Oh... Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure it wasn't.
    Lisa: All right then. How was it?
    Matthew: Not that good, actually.
    Lisa: I'm sorry.

### Catherine Moves On [4.7]

    Joe: Sexual harassment is no joke, sweet-cans.
    Beth: Desperate phone call: great idea. My ex-boyfriends did it to me all the time.
    Lisa: Does it work?
    Beth: They usually end up stalking me, so if you're lucky, Catherine might come to your fire escape tonight.

### Stupid Holiday Charity Talent Show [4.8]

    Beth: My mother always told me I had a beautiful singing voice.
    Bill: Well, my mother made me wear a dress 'til I was nine. They make mistakes!
    Mr. James: So, Lisa, are you going to wow us tonight?
    Lisa: If I have to, sir.
    Mr. James: So what do you do? Gymnastics? Flaming baton twirling?
    Lisa: Without mechanical help of any kind, I can solve any complex mathematical equation suggested by the audience.
    Mr. James: That's great, if you go out nude and leave out the math part.

### The Secret of Management [4.9]

    Dave: Bill, who is that man, and what the hell is he doing?
    Bill: Oh, Cadbury's my new manservant. Isn't that right, Cadbury?
    Cadbury: The master is correct.
    Dave: You hired a butler?
    Bill: I prefer the term "gentleman's gentleman".
    Mr. James: See, Dave and I, we could talk about... guy stuff.
    Lisa: Guy stuff? I can do that.
    Mr. James: No...
    Lisa: Yes, I can, try me.
    Mr. James: You think?
    Lisa: Yes.
    [pause]
    Mr. James: That Lisa's sure got some cute ass, huh?

### Look Who's Talking [4.10]

    Lisa: Do you really think that Bill is going to spend three hours a day teaching his child the difference between integrated and non-integrated algebraic functions?!
    Dave: No, but raising children is about love. Didn't you have any love when you were growing up?
    Lisa: Yes, of course we had love, at very judiciously determined intervals. I'm sure Bill is just going to lavish it on them all the time!
    Joe: Dude, you can't adopt a baby.
    Bill: Why not?
    Joe: Actually I don't know why not, but there's gotta be some reason.

### Chock [4.11]

    Bill: Dave, there comes a time in every friendship when you have to say "I never liked you. Get lost."
    Bill: It's like my father used to say: "When I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child. And when I became a man, I took that child out back and had him shot."
    Dave: Bill, was your father in the Khmer Rouge?
    Bill: Automotive sales.

### Who's The Boss: Part 1 [4.12]

    Dave: When did you get the piano in here?
    Bill: Over lunch. I find that I do my best work behind the piano, like Beethoven.
    Dave: Or Steve Allen.
    Joe: Bottom line, the workers just want a bigger part of the profit sharing program.
    Mr. James: How much do they have now?
    Joe: None.
    Mr. James: So, I guess they just want some.
    Joe: Yeah.
    Mr. James: Will you fix my glasses?
    Joe: Sure.
    Mr. James: Nice doing business with you.

### Who's The Boss: Part 2 [4.13]

    Mr. James: Spare me. If I believed in fairy tales I wouldn't have dropped out of kindergarten.
    [Dave and Lisa are campaigning for the Program Manager's job, which neither one of them wants]
    Bill: I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.
    Dave: I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail.
    Bill: [nodding, impressed] Good answer.

### Security Door [4.14]

    Matthew: Dave, we have got to get rid of that security door.
    Dave: No, we don't.
    Matthew: Yes, we do. A little bird just flew into the glass and died.
    Dave: Really? [They go over to look.] Matthew, that's a Cornish game hen.
    Matthew: Doesn't it make you want to cry?
    Dave: You didn't even bother to defrost it.
    Dave: No, I am not paranoid, because I can say without a trace of irony... you're all out to get me.

### Big Brother [4.15]

    Danny: You know, when I first hooked up with Matthew I thought, "Hey, I want one of the little ones." But then as time went by and we got to know each other, I realized he needs just as much guidance, and love, and good old-fashioned big brothering as anyone else.
    Lisa: That's true. Which is sad. But still.
    Bill: [to Mr. James] You don't recognize you own phone number?
    Dave: He changes it every week.
    Bill: Why do you do that?
    Mr. James: Security.
    Joe: Big Brother?
    Mr. James: My whole damn family, actually.

### Beep, Beep [4.16]

    Dave: I agree. I think something needs to happen to relieve Matthew of this responsibility.
    Joe: You want me to kill him?
    Dave: No, I think that if something were to happen to the car, the investigation might not be that aggressive.
    Bill: I took Lisa out to lunch.
    Dave: Did you?
    Bill: It was a lot more than lunch. A lot more.
    Dave: Wait a minute. You and Lisa didn't have... coffee, did you?
    Bill: Yes, coffee... In bed... After we did it.
    Dave: Bill, you and Lisa did not do it. And while I applaud your misguided efforts to make me jealous, I have work to do. So... leave.
    Bill: I don't care about making you jealous. I just care about pleasing your woman.
    Dave: Lisa is not "my woman".
    Bill: And how!

### Balloon [4.17]

    Beth: But, Mr. James, what if you're fatally injured, or even killed?
    Mr. James: Well, then let them say this about me, "He died with his balloon on."
    Bill: Jim, a practical question at this juncture, if I may?
    Mr. James: Go ahead.
    Bill: Thank you. Hasn't this been done before? I mean, it seems like every year another billionaire is trying to fly around the world in a balloon.
    Mr. James: Well, why the hell do you think I'm doing this? I mean, the peer pressure among billionaires is incredibly intense. Bill Gates practically called me a nancy boy.

### Copy Machine [4.18]

    Mr. James: Dave, please, I don't think now's the best time to regale you with stories of my world famous root beer jacuzzi.
    Matthew: [singing] Ted... He's dead... And the hobbits and the gnomes, they're dancing to and fro. They have to keep the plus 2 sword from the chaotic evil thief lord. Now we're rocking, now we're really rocking!

### Monster Rancher [4.19]

    Mr. James: Dave, what do you say we hire someone to work at the station for no money?
    Dave: Ah, so you're considering hiring an intern?
    Mr. James: Well, I was hoping we could call him a "Jimmy James Rockin' Ranger", but I guess "intern" has a ring to it too.
    Dave: This wouldn't happen to be one of your weird nephews, would it?
    Mr. James: No, no, no. This is one of my normal nephews.
    Dave: [groans]
    Mr. James: I'm serious, Dave. This kid's so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack smoking porn freak.
    Dave: Bill, this is not a frat house. We do not haze the interns.
    Bill: Come on, all the top companies are hazing new employees!
    Lisa: Bill, that's a lie.
    Bill: Read the papers. Corporate America is finally waking up to what fraternities and biker gangs have known for years. Hazing works!

### 4:20 [4.20]

    Dave: Bill, is your life so boring that you have to fantasize about imaginary love triangles you're not even a part of?
    Bill: Yes.
    Lisa: Did you get upset when that sweet 18-year-old kid in accounting had that crush on you?
    Dave: Oh, that was different.
    Lisa: Why?
    Dave: Well, for one thing, he was a guy. And he was convinced I was gay. And he brought his mother to work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband.
    Lisa: It was still flattering, wasn't it?
    Dave: Oh, lord, yes.

### Jackass Junior High [4.21]

    Lisa: I'm a woman, right?
    Dave: Last time I checked. Granted, that was over three months ago, so...
    Mr. James: Dave, we have a little problem on the souvenir shop.
    Dave: What is it? Bad batch of Ye Old-Fashioned Radio Fudge?

### Sinking Ship [4.22]

    Dave: Matthew, you're not going to find any icebergs with your nose buried in that nefarious scandal sheet.
    Matthew: Aw, gee whiz!
    Dave: Matthew! What have I told you about swearing on this vessel? I will not have it.
    Matthew: Darn.
    Dave: Matthew!
    Matthew: Shucks!
    Dave: Well, I never!
    Bill: Hold that boat! I've got a heart condition... and I'm a woman!
    Jimmy: Whoa! That's a big-ass old iceberg, isn't it?