# Clueless (film)

Clueless is a 1995 film starring Alicia Silverstone which was based on the novel Emma by Jane Austen. The film was written and directed by Amy Heckerling.

## Cher Horowitz

* So, okay, you're probably going, "Is this, like, a Noxzema commercial or what?" But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.
* Dionne and I were both named after great singers of the past who now do infomercials.
* [repeated line] As if!
* Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period. I got a C in Debate?!
* Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972.
* Wasn't my mom a Betty? She died when I was just a baby. A fluke accident during a routine liposuction.
* [arguing her way out of a tardy] Mr. Hall, I was surfing the crimson wave. I had to haul ass to the ladies'.
* [to Dionne, about Mr. Hall and Miss Geist] Will you look at that body language? Legs crossed towards each other. That's an unequivocal sex invite.
* [to Elton] You are a snob and a half.
* So, okay. I don't wanna be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, c'mon, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants, and take their greasy hair—ew!—and cover it up with a backwards cap and, like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so!
* Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.
* So, okay. The Attorney General says there's too much violence on TV, and that should stop. Even if you took out all the violent shows, you could still see the news. So until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.
* Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good. Also, sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds guys of being naked, and then they think of sex.
* [after she and Josh kiss] Well, you can guess what happened next. [scene changes to Mr. Hall and Miss Geist's wedding] As if! I am only 16, and this is California, not Kentucky.

## Others

    Travis: I would like to say this. Tardiness is not something you can do all on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. Uh, I'd like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the LA city bus driver for taking a chance on an unknown kid, and, uh, last but not least, the wonderful crew at McDonald's for spending hours making those Egg McMuffins, without which I might never be tardy.
    Amber: [about Tai] She could be a farmer in those clothes.
    Tai: Cher, I don't wanna do this anymore. And my buns, they don't feel nothing like steel.

## Dialogue

    Cher: [looking at Dionne's hat] Shopping with Dr. Seuss?
    Dionne: [picks up Cher's backpack] Well, at least I wouldn't skin a collie to make my backpack.
    Cher: It's faux!
    Cher: So. Okay. Like, right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, "What about the strain on our resources?" But it's like, when I had this garden party for my father's birthday, right? I said RSVP because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that, like, did not RSVP, so I was, like, totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day, it was, like, the more the merrier. And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty?
    [Class breaks into applause]
    Cher: Thank you very much.
    Mr. Hall: Uh, Amber? Replying?
    Amber: Mr. Hall, how can I answer that? The topic is Haiti and she's talking about some little party.
    Cher: Hello?! It was his 50th birthday!
    Amber: Whatever. If she doesn't do the assignment, I can't do mine.
    [Josh changes the channel from Beavis and Butt-head to the news]
    Josh: Hey! In some parts of the universe, maybe not in Contempo Casual, but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.
    Cher: Thank you, Josh. I so need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me that part about Kenny G again?
    Mel: So, Josh, have you given any thought to our little discussion about Corporate Law?
    Josh: Yeah, you know, but I think I'd really like to check out Environmental Law.
    Mel: What for? Do you wanna have a miserable, frustrating life?
    Cher: Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does.
    Mel: At least he knows what he wants to do. And he's in a good college. I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.
    Cher: I have direction.
    Josh: Yeah, towards the mall.
    Dionne: "Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, but thy eternal summer shall not fade." Phat! Did you write that?
    Cher: Duh, it's, like, a famous quote.
    Dionne: From where?
    Cher: Cliff's Notes.
    Josh: Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.
    Cher: I am. You try driving in platforms.
    Josh: We might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.
    Cher: How fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants-dropping schedule to plant trees. Josh, why don't you just hire a gardener?
    Josh: You know, maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good cause, make a contribution. In case you've never heard of that, a contribution is the giving of...
    Cher: Excuse me, but I've donated many expensive Italian outfits to Lucy...
    Josh: Time... funds...
    Cher: And as soon as I get my license, I fully intend to brake for animals, and I have contributed many hours to helping two lonely teachers find romance.
    Josh: Which I'll bet serves your interests more than theirs. You know, if I ever saw you do something that wasn't 90% selfish, I'd die of shock.
    Cher: Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.
    Cher: Would you call me selfish?
    Dionne: No. Not to your face.
    Cher: Ms. Stoeger? I would just like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace. I mean, standing in line for 40 minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I doubt I've worked off the calories in a stick of Carefree gum.
    [The other girls cheer]
    Ms. Stoeger: Well, you certainly exercised your mouth, Cher. Now, hit the ball.
    [Ball flies by, inches from Cher's nose]
    Cher: Ms. Stoeger, that machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen!
    Ms. Stoeger: Thanks for the legal advice.
    Ms. Stoeger: Dionne, you're up.
    Dionne: Uh, no. Ms. Stoeger, I have a note from my tennis instructor, and he would prefer it if I didn't expose myself to any training that might derail his teachings.
    Amber: Ms. Stoeger, my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.
    Dionne: Well, there goes your social life.
    Tai: I could really use some sort of a herbal refreshment.
    Dionne: Oh, well, we do lunch in ten minutes. We don't have any tea, but we have Coke and stuff.
    Tai: No shit! You guys got coke here?
    Dionne: Well, yeah.
    Cher: Yeah, this is America.
    Murray: Woman, lend me five dollars.
    Dionne: Murray, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me "woman"!
    Murray: Excuse me, Miss Dionne.
    Dionne: Thank you.
    Murray: Okay, but street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking but not necessarily misogynistic undertone. [hops away]
    Tai: Wow! You guys talk like grown-ups.
    Cher: Oh, well, this is a really good school.
    Cher: I've got an idea. Let's do a makeover!
    Tai: No. No.
    Dionne: Oh, c'mon! Let us! Cher's main thrill in life is a makeover. Okay, it gives her a sense of control on a world full of chaos.
    Cher: Please?
    Tai: Sure. Why not? Shit, you guys! I've never had straight friends before.
    Cher: I wanna do something good for humanity.
    Josh: How about sterilization?
    Mel: So, uh, what'd you do at school today?
    Cher: Well... I broke in my purple clogs.
    Tai: [pointing at Amber] Cher, ain't that the same dress that you was wearing yesterday?
    Cher: Say, Ambular.
    Amber: Hi!
    Cher: Was that you going through my laundry?
    Amber: As if! Like I would really wear something from Judy's.
    Cher: Do you prefer "fashion victim" or "ensemble-y challenged"?
    Cher: [after Tai is hit in the head by a flying clog] If it's a concussion, you have to keep her concious, okay? Ask her questions.
    Elton: What's 7 times 7?
    Cher: Stuff she knows!
    Heather: It's just like Hamlet said, "To thine own self be true."
    Cher: Ah, no, uh, Hamlet didn't say that.
    Heather: I think that I remember Hamlet accurately.
    Cher: Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did.
    Dionne: Cher is saving herself for Luke Perry.
    Tai: Cher, you're a virgin?!
    Cher: God! You say it like it's a bad thing.
    Dionne: Besides, the PC term is "hymenally challenged."
    Cher: I am just not interested in doing it until I find the right person. You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.
    Amber: [after Cher's oral on violence in the media] Hello?! Was I the only one listening? I mean, I thought it reeked.
    Cher: I believe that was your designer imposter perfume.
    Mel: Cher, get in here.
    Cher: [walks in; wearing a Calvin Klein dress] What's up, daddy?
    Mel: What the hell is that?!
    Cher: A dress.
    Mel: Says who?
    Cher: Calvin Klein.
    Tai: [referring to Amber] Do you think she's pretty?
    Cher: No, she's a full-on Monet.
    Tai: What's a Monet?
    Cher: It's like the painting, see? From far away, it's okay, but up close, it's a big old mess. Let's ask a guy. Christian, what do you think of Amber?
    Christian: Hagsville.
    Cher: See?
    Cher: That's Ren and Stimpy. They're way existential.
    Josh: Do you have any idea what you're talking about?
    Cher: No. Why, do I sound like I do?
    Murray: Are you bitches blind or something? Your man Christian is a cake boy!
    Cher and Dionne: A what?!
    Murray: He's a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I'm saying?
    Cher: Uh-uh, no way.
    Murray: He's gay.
    Cher: Not even.
    Murray: Yes, even.
    Dionne: He does like to shop, Cher, and the boy can dress.
    Cher: Oh, my God. I am totally buggin'. I feel like such a bonehead.
    Cher: We got another notice from the fire department saying we have to clear out the bush. You said you were going to get Jose to do it.
    Lucy: He your gardener. I don't know why you don't tell him.
    Cher: Lucy, you know I don't speak Mexican.
    Lucy: I not a Mexican! [storms off]
    Cher: Great, what was that all about?
    Josh: Lucy's from El Salvador.
    Cher: So?
    Josh: It's an entirely different country.
    Cher: Oh, what does that matter?
    Josh: You get upset if someone thinks you live below Sunset.
    Tai: Why am I even listening to you to begin with? You're a virgin who can't drive.
    Cher: [pause] That was way harsh, Tai.
    Josh: [while watching news about a war in Bosnia] You look confused.
    Cher: Well, uh, I thought they declared peace in the Middle East.
    Josh: You look like Pippi Longstocking.
    Cher: Well, you look like Forrest Gump. Who's Pippi Longstocking?
    Josh: Uh, someone Mel Gibson never played.

## Taglines

* Sex. Clothes. Popularity. Is there a problem here?
* Sex. Clothes. Popularity. Whatever.

## Cast

* Alicia Silverstone – Cher Horowitz
* Stacey Dash – Dionne Davenport
* Brittany Murphy – Tai Fraiser
* Paul Rudd – Josh Lucas
* Donald Faison – Murray
* Elisa Donovan – Amber Mariens
* Breckin Meyer – Travis Birkenstock
* Jeremy Sisto – Elton Tiscia
* Dan Hedaya – Mel Horowitz
* Wallace Shawn – Mr. Wendell Hall
* Twink Caplan – Miss Toby Geist
* Justin Walker – Christian Stovitz

## External links

* Clueless quotes at the Internet Movie Database