# Hail, Caesar!

Hail, Caesar! is a 2016 film about a Hollywood fixer in the 1950s who works to keep the studio's stars in line.
    Directed and written by Joel and Ethan Coen.

## Eddie Mannix

* Tell them, "Thanks, but no thanks." That short enough for you?
* Here at Capitol Pictures, as you know, an army of technicians, actors, and top notch artistic people are working hard to bring to the screen the story of the Christ. It's a swell story.

## Baird Whitlock

* Hey, Hobie. You're a Communist, too?
* That's what happened to me when I went to Reno with Danny Kaye and he asked me to shave his back. Exact same thing. Because, I'm thinkin', who benefits? So, let me tell ya, everybody thinks that Danny's a jerk, he's not really a jerk. That's just a theory generating its own anti-theory. Anyway, there we were, it's me and Danny and I'm wondering what the hell am I doin' with a razor in my hand? And he says it's for a Norman Taurog picture. But, Judy Canova's there and she knows Norman and she say's "Danny's not doing a Norman Taurog picture! He just wants you to shave his back!" And that's who benefits!

## Narrator

* It is 5:00 AM. Still shank of night for some. But, for Eddie Mannix, beginning of a new work day. The movie studio for which he works manufactures stories. Each, its own daylit drama, or moonlit dream. But, the work of Essie Mannix cares not for day or night. And cares little for his rest.

## Hobie Doyle

* Would that it were so simple?
* It's complicated.

## Burt Gurney

* We are heading out to sea and however it will be, it ain't gonna be the same. cause no matter what we see, when we're out there on the sea, we ain't gonna see a dame. we'll be searching high and low on the deck and down below but it's a crying shame. Oh, we'll see a lot of fish but we'll never clock a dish. We ain't gonna see a dame. No dames! we might see some octopuses No dames! or a half a dozen clams No dames! we might even see a mermaid But mermaids got no gams! No gams! Have I got a girl for you! out there on the sea! Here's how it will be i'm gonna dance with you, pal you're gonna dance with me! When we're out there on the sea we'll be happy as can be Or so the Captain claims! But we have to disagree. Cause the only guarantee Is I'll see a lot of you And you'll see a lot of me! And it's absolutely certain That we'll see a lot of sea. But we ain't gonna see no dames. No dames! We're going to sea! No dames! We're going to sea! No dames! We're going to sea! We ain't gonna see no Dames!

## Other

* Director: Squint against the grandeur!
* Carlotta Valdez: It's all in the hips, the lips, and the eyes and the thighs.

## Dialogue

    Eddie Mannix: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
    Priest: How long since your last confession my son?
    Eddie Mannix: Twenty-seven hours.
    Priest: It's really too often, you're not that bad.
    Protestant Clergyman: Who plays Christ?
    Eddie Mannix: A kid we're all very excited about, Todd Hocheiser, a wonderful young actor we found in Akron, Ohio, after a nationwide talent hunt. But Hocheiser is seen only fleetingly and with extreme taste. Our story is told through the eyes of a Roman tribune, Autochlus Antonius, an ordinary man, skeptical at first, but who comes to a grudging respect for this swell figure from the East.
    Eddie Mannix: As for the religious aspect, does the depiction of Christ Jesus cut the mustard?
    Catholic Clergyman: Well, the nature of Christ is not quite as simple as your photoplay would have it.
    Eddie Mannix: How so, father?
    Catholic Clergyman: It's not the case, simply, that Christ is God or God - Christ.
    Rabbi: You can say that again! The Nazarene was not God.
    Eastern Orthodox Clergyman: He was not not God.
    Rabbi: He was a man.
    Protestant Clergyman: Part God.
    Rabbi: No, sir!
    Eddie Mannix: Rabbi, all of us have a little bit of God in us, don't we?
    Catholic Clergyman: It's the foundation of our belief that Christ is most properly referred to as the Son of God. It's the Son of God who takes the sins of the world upon himself, so that the rest of God's children, we imperfect beings, through faith, may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
    Eddie Mannix: So, God is - split?
    Catholic Clergyman: Yes! And no.
    Eastern Orthodox Clergyman: There is unity in division.
    Protestant Clergyman: And division in unity.
    Eddie Mannix: I'm not sure I follow padre.
    Rabbi: Young man, you don't follow for a very simple reason. These men are screwballs.
    Eddie Mannix: We don't need to agree on the nature of the deity here. If we could focus on the Christ, whatever his parentage. My question is: is our depiction fair?
    Eastern Orthodox Clergyman: I have seen worse.
    Eddie Mannix: Reverend?
    Protestant Clergyman: There's nothing to offend a - reasonable man.
    Eddie Mannix: Father?
    Catholic Clergyman: The motion picture teleplay was respectful and exhibited tastefulness and class.
    Rabbi: Who made you an expert all of the sudden?
    Eddie Mannix: And, what do you think, Rabbi?
    Rabbi: Eh? I haven't an opinion.
    Eddie Mannix: Let me see if Arne is open to matrimony. You sure he's the father?
    DeeAnna Moran: Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, he's the father, yes! [Mannix starts to walk away] ...Pretty sure.
    Eddie Mannix: Any more thought about who you might marry?
    DeeAnna Moran: I ain't doin' that again! I had two marriages. It just cost the Studio a lot of money to bust them up.
    Eddie Mannix: Well, we had to have those annulled. One was to a minor mob figure...
    DeeAnna Moran: Vince was not minor!
    Eddie Mannix: And Buddy Flynn was a bandleader with a long history of narcotics use.
    DeeAnna Moran: Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm sayin'! They were both louses! Marryin' a third louse ain't gonna do me no good.
    Eddie Mannix: I've offered you some very suitable young men.
    DeeAnna Moran: Pretty boys, saps and swishes! What you think if there wasn't a good reliable man, I wouldn't have grabbed him?
    Eddie Mannix: What about Arne Seslum? He is the father isn't he?
    DeeAnna Moran: Yeah. Yeah.
    Eddie Mannix: A marriage doesn't have to last forever; but, DeeAnna having a child without a father would present a public relations problem for the Studio.
    Eddie Mannix: What's on your mind, Laurence?
    Laurence Laurentz: Hobie Doyle cannot act!
    Eddie Mannix: Hobart Doyle is one of the biggest movie stars in the world.
    Laurence Laurentz: On horseback! But, this is a drama, Mannix, a real drama. It's an adaptation of a Broadway smash! it requires the skills of a trained thespian, not a rodeo clown.
    Baird Whitlock: These guys are pretty interesting, though. They've actually figured out the laws that dictate - everything! History! Sociology! Politics! Morality! Everything! It's all in a book called Capital - with a "K".
    Eddie Mannix: Is that right?
    Baird Whitlock: Yeah. You're not going to believe this. These guys even figured out what's going on here at the Studio. Because the Studio is nothing more than an instrument of capitalism. Yeah, so we blindly follow these laws like any any other institution. Laws that these guys figured out. The Studio makes pictures to serve the System. That is its function! That's really what we're up to here.
    Eddie Mannix: Is it?
    Baird Whitlock: Yeah. It's just confirming what they call - the status quo. I mean, we may tell ourselves that we're creating something of artistic value or there's some sort of spiritual dimension to the picture business. But, what it really is, is this fat cat, Nick Skank, out in New York, running this factory, serving up these lollipops to the - what they used to call the bread and circuses for the...
    Eddie Mannix: [Grabs Baird and slaps him] Now, you listen to me, buster. Nick Skank and the Studio have been good to you and to everyone else who works here. If I ever hear you bad mouthing Mr. Skank again, it'll be the last thing you say before I have you tossed in jail for colluding in your own abduction.
    Baird Whitlock: Eddie, I wouldn't, I would never do that!
    Eddie Mannix: [Slaps Baird some more] Shut up! You're gonna go out there and you're going to finish "Hail Caesar!" You're gonna give that speech at the feet of the penitent thief and you're gonna believe every word you say. [slaps Baird some more] You're going to do it because you're an actor and that's what you do. Just like the director does what he does and the writer and the script girl and the guy who claps the slate. You're gonna do it because the picture has worth! And you have worth if you serve the picture and you're never gonna forget that again.
    Baird Whitlock: I won't forget, Eddie.
    Eddie Mannix: Damn right, you won't. Not as long as I run this dump.

## External links

* Hail, Caesar! quotes at the Internet Movie Database