# Pure Pwnage/Season 1

Pure Pwnage Season 1

### The Life of a Pro Gamer [1.01]

    [Kyle wakes up Jeremy.]
    Kyle: Jeremy... Jeremy we're doing the show...
    Jeremy: Piss off, noob! Noob!!
    Kyle: Jeremy, we're doing the show today...
    Jeremy: I don't want to do the show...
    Kyle: You said you'd do the show...
    Jeremy: Dude, you're not Scorcese man, you're just a noob...
    Kyle: Jer, if you don't get up mom's gonna freak...
    Jeremy: Mom's like a noob man, don't worry about mom... Mom's like using like a 3 dozer build...
    Jeremy: Some people they like get up, and go to work and stuff, right? But that's not very stressful right, they just go to a job... Like y'know I gotta get up and make sure, ya'know that I'm still number one, right?
    Jeremy: You're such a n00b sometimes Kyle...
    Jeremy: My name's Jeremy, you might know me as teh- teh- teh_pwnerer, cause that's what I do.
    Jeremy: This is my computer here y'know... it's pretty good uhh, y'know I like bought it myself and stuff. That's how I got it... uhh, Ky- Kyle bought his camera too, that's how he got it.
    Jeremy: Gotta make your replies like quick right like, "LOL... ROFL... LOL... N00B... FAG... LOL."
    Jeremy: Y'know I get up in the morning sometimes y'know. I get like all like ph-- phil-- osophically on [it] y'know. You just gotta wonder. Like y'know there's so many n00bs in the world right, and like y'know like how many have I owned?
    Jeremy: I pwn n00bs.
    Jeremy: She wants me, man. She's like following me now and stuff, right. I get that a lot.
    Jeremy: Y'know sometimes people ask me y'know like "What's your religion and stuff?" And I'm like "y' know it's like RTS." Uh, and they're like, "What's that?" And I'm like, "Y'know it's kinda like, kinda like Buddhism."

### Girls [1.02]

    Jeremy: So, I tried to like rush the last girls 'cause I thought they're like noobs and I could likke just rush 'em and maybe end it quick or some'in'... But, uh, they turn out like they're pretty, they're pretty good like defensively-- right away they repelled like my attacks y'know like they had good base defense or some'in'.
    Announcer: I'm coming at your base with two rockvees and an ambo - you've got a Jarman, two scorps, and a quad. What do you do?

### FPS Doug [1.03]

    Jeremy: Warcraft is like teh gay and stuff, don't get me wrong. Like [snicker] orcs and stuff like y'know and like bows and arrows and dragons and some magic and stuff is pretty much for like guys that like y'know never gonna have sex and stuff. I have to respect Blizzard cause like, least they care somewhat somewhat, y'know? Got like 15 patches, and at least they care about their stuff... Guess what I'm saying is that like... EA sucks my balls... Think that's like what I'm saying, pretty much... Like I got this one ball here, E- E sucks this ball here, and then the A- the A sucks my other ball here, and so the E and the A are just sucking both my balls.
    Doug: It's like I just like to play with people, huh. J' come on. I can dance all day. I can dance all day! It's like, just try to hit me. Come on try. Try! Boom! Headshot! Boom! Headshot!
    Doug: What's up I'm Doug... FFFFFFuck!
    Doug: Yeah you could say I pwn noobs fps-style, which is pretty much why me and Jeremy don't get along no more. One day I brought home Doom...
    Jeremy: and so Doug, Yeah I tried to get Doug into RTS once I played some Red Alert 2 with him and uh... hehe, I like... y'know I like killed him in 30 seconds with a mirage tank...
    Doug: So I PWNED! him at Doom and he was like 'fag!', and I was like 'noob!'...and then he just left...!
    Jeremy: And he's like "fag", and I'm like "gay" and stuff. And uh, and he doesn't RTS anymore. I think FPSes are like... there kinda for like noobs, y'know? It's for people... like maybe you got the micro, ah.. Like you're kinda fast, y'know? But you can't think, like you're just kinda dumb.
    Doug: Personally, I think he's just afraid of the HEADSHOT! HEADSHOT!
    Doug: Well it's like I need a whole army to kill a bunch of guys, I don't need nothing but myself. It's like I'm coming around the corner... BOOM HEADSHOT! It's like that guy is coming around the corner... BOOM HEADSHOT! Send your tank! Cuz' I got frags, I got frags!
    Jeremy: So your like? You're like one-ranger army coming at me and I'm like, SCUD STORM! BOOOM! BOOOM! BOOOM! ooh hoho burn.
    Doug: Okay, Mr. Botanical tank with no balls that's all I gotta say! It's like Botanical tank look at me No Balls! No Balls!
    Jeremy: No Bal.. You wanna see some balls? My nuke overlord got some balls man!
    Jeremy: You can like take a noob to like water, but you can't like make a noob drink y'know.
    Doug: BOOM HEADSHOT!
    Dave: Actually, my name is Dawei, but the white barbarians call me Dave.

### Pwn or Be Pwned [1.04]

    Dave: He lost to a noob... Yeah man, you don't want to go in there.
    Jeremy: If a noob owns me, then what am I?
    Teh_Masterer: Have you forgotten that I beat both Gary Kasparov and Deep Blue with nothing more than a row of pawns and a single bishop?
    Teh_Masterer: Let me see your micro... not bad. What you have come to realise is that, even when one is pro, under certain circumstances one can be, a noob.
    Teh_Masterer: There is a way, always, to pwn.
    Teh_Masterer: What you must realize is that a true pwner pwns all games. If one wants to truly pwn, one must pwn in all games.
    Teh_masterer: Clear your mind of all things... Focus on the micro.
    Teh_masterer: If you eat like a noob, you will be pwned like a noob...NOW, PICK UP THE CONTROLLER!

### M8s [1.05]

    [Jeremy critiques 'Strong Man, Angry Man'.]
    Jeremy: LAWL!
    Kyle: What?
    Jeremy: that was like pretty good Kyle, no seriously that was like real good
    Kyle: Yeah that was pretty good... I got an A!
    Jeremy: Like most noobs are like, are like, like total noobs. Like you can train, like, a noob, but he'll just be like a trained noob, like he won't really be like a pro like me, and he might do okay against like other noobs, and stuff, but if you want to be like uber pro like me, then you gotta kinda like have something different, it's in your head, in your eyes and stuff...
    Kyle: Jeremy, it's not your show... It's my show too.
    Kyle: So let's see how good the show is without me working on it!
    Jeremy: Hello, like welcome to my show. Kyle, he's not with the show anymore, he doesn't want to do it anymore, 'cause he's mad about like something or something. And so, this is my new show, and I figure we don't need him anyways, 'cause how hard is really to like point and shoot a camera right, like it doesn't take any skills. This is my new show now, and the whole show I'm just gonna show myself pwning people right, 'cause I know that's what you want to see, so here it is like you know, it's like the moment you've all been waiting for, I'm gonna pwn some noobs like for you for like an hour, come on let's go.
    Doug: So like, this is my PC here, you know...it PWNS!!!
    Doug:BOOM HEADSHOT! YEAH!!
    Doug: So yeah I like FPSes. Uh, what can I say? There's nothing like the rush of huntin' people down and killin' 'em! I mean my heart's beating-- my heart's beating! My hands are shakin'-- my hands are shakin'! But I'm still shootin'! [now screaming] An' I'm still gettin' headshots! It's like, boom! Headshot! Boom! Headshot. Boom! Headshot!
    Doug: What do you mean? I run faster with a knife. Everyone runs faster with a knife.
    Doug:You know my dad owns a gun shop, but, you know, he doesn't like to admit it, but I think it makes him real nervous when I work there, 'cause uh, anytime I get a gun in my hand it just automatically points to somebody's head. Sometimes I think maybe I wanna join the army. I mean it's basically like FPS except better graphics, but what happens if I get lag out there? I'm dead! I mean, I even heard there's no respawn points in RL. What you do when you're a person like me, when you're born to play FPS, guess there's nothing left to do but to play FPS.
    [Doug in rage after dying, destroying his keyboard.]
    Doug: Urrrrgh...!! Fucking lagging piece of shit!!! Oh yeah, I can saw the back of your head for five god damn minutes, you little cock bait! You fucking like that!? Wanna fucking talk now!? You mother fucker!! God damn lag piece of shit!! Mother fuck!!!
    Dave: But uhh... yeah I uhh... I- I'm pro at cooking.

### Imapwnu of Azeroth [1.06]

    Jeremy: They think that maybe if they take like your computer away you're gonna like start accomplishing like more stuff... So, she's like, "Go to school and stuff," and I'm like [snicker], "I school people all day long y'know," like-- so I tell her like, "I'll take her to school," if she wants to go to school so bad. And she doesn't think that's funny... Then she adds a week or whatever onto whatever and stuff..."
    Jeremy: So you like Bawls?
    [Kyle seeing Dave, finding out that Jeremy is not well.]
    Kyle: Hey Dave
    Dave: Hey Kyle
    Kyle: I was just going to your place to see Jeremy.
    Dave: Yeah better take a look at him. He's like, he hadn't moved for six days and..
    Kyle: What?
    Dave: I know he hadn't eaten anything all day, and I'm just like, "Aren't you going to get something to eat?" and he's like, "Well, my spirit is so high that I'm just goin' to sit here and regen."
    Kyle: What?
    Dave: Ya I know
    Kyle: Is he okay?
    Dave: I dunno man! I think he's pretty messed up.
    Kyle: Shit!

### The MMO Grrl [1.07]

    Dave: Yeah, I, I got to go, too... gotta- I gotta go get an ice cream.
    Jeremy: MAH BALLS!
    Anastasia: Jeremy, not all games are about pwning...
    Doug: Sometimes giving that cover fire is just way more important than getting the headshot.
    [Doug introduces himself to Anastasia.]
    Doug: So, Jeremy, ahh says you're a gamer, what games do you do?
    Anastasia: Yeah, I play MMOs like World of Warcraft, I play that one alot I like it, it's soo great
    Doug: Yeah, yeah, I imagine it's great
    Anastasia: What about you? What games do you play?
    Doug: Uhh y'know, I'm into games that.. y'know take some skill, I guess. Like FPS... First person shooters... CS-Source...
    Anastasia: What level are you?
    Doug: Oh, well I usually play on dust2, I guess
    Anastasia: Hehe, You're level 2?

### Lanageddon [1.08]

    Jeremy: UGHHH! UGHHH! Is that the school bus? Is the school bus Doug? Is this your stop? Come on Doug. UGHHHH!!!
    Doug: Maybe some arm shots or leg shots. Maybe, you know, try to stay away from that head.
    Doug: Dude, have you read this? You only have to play seven guys to get to the semi-finals! Can I just play them all at once? I mean, it'd be easier!
    [Deathstriker6666 meets Jeremy.]
    deathstriker6666: Who's this guy?
    Noob 1: Dude, that's Jeremy...
    Noob 2: That's teh_pwnerer man!
    deathstriker6666: teh_pwnerer... of n00bs!!
    fps_doug: Jeremy-Jeremy-Jeremy, Dude you should see what this noob is playing!
    deathstriker6666: fps_doug, I'll be seeing you in semi-finals
    fps_doug: Dude, did that guy just headshot me?!
    teh_pwnerer: You have no idea Doug, some dude thinks he's motherfuckin' Neo or some shit
    fps_doug: Man! Check out that n00b's rig!!
    teh_pwnerer: He's not much of a noob Doug...
    deathstriker6666: BOOM! HEADSHOT, fps_doug!

### The Story of Dave [1.09]

    Doug: Actually, my dad gave me a "Walter P" when I was 7, dude owns a gunshop, man!
    Doug: I'm standing here... I'm standing here... It's your move.... You better get your hacks on cuz' it's your move! HUH!? Aim-botting piece of shit! You send me a PM? You send me a PM!? I'm the only one with that username. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOUR PM'ING!? Oh.. OH Yea!? Alright. HUH! HUH!? That's right! Leave the Server! Go Ahead! HUH!? HUH!?! Wall-hacking bitch!
    Jeremy: You remind me of ghey
    Dave: [in Chinese, Mandarin] Taking you bitches to school! Back to grade 1, grade 1!
    Dave: [in Chinese, Mandarin] My high score is your mom thousand, your sister hundred and your cousin.
    Dave: [in Chinese, Mandarin] How about we play and when you lose, you can lick my balls. Both of them!
    Teh_Masterer: Remember to use your shortcuts...let the micro flow through your fingers.
    Micro Initiate: But masterer, there hasn't been a public micro battle since the Miyamoto peace accord!
    [Jeremy finds Alex.]
    Jeremy: So what's with like not replying to my emails and my IMs?! You know I've got teh_masterer breathing down my neck wondering where you are, and I'm tryin' to tell him you're good to go, but like...
    Alex: Jeremy I've actually been very busy with work and school there's lots of stuff I wanna do...
    Jeremy: Yeah there's lots to do, lots of n00bs to pwn, they don't just pwn themselves you know! You don't have time to be playing with candies, we gotta train! We got work to do!
    Alex: You know what? Playing games isn't exactly the best way I've gotta spend my time right now... I've gotta finish my degree at school, I've got a girlfriend now, I wanna go travelling, I work...
    Jeremy: You don't wanna play games anymore?!
    Alex: I don't really wanna do that pro gamer thing anymore... Just tell teh masterer I don't wanna go to his training program anymore, I just quit. And to tell you the truth, teh_masterer kinda creeps me out... Why the hell does he dress like a ninja? Why the hell does he dress like that?
    Jeremy: You don't wanna play games...?
    Kyle: Maybe he really is a noob...

### Teh Best Day Ever [1.10]

    Jeremy: u r a fag
    Jeremy: It's gonna be called what it is Kyle, The-Only-Game-On-The-Shelf-That-Doesn't-Lick-My-Balls.
    Jeremy: Maybe you want to go get some New-Gen?
    Jeremy: "Your pony died because it wasn't pretty enough?" Arrrgh...Argh aaAAAAAAAAAAArrrrggggh--!!!
    Jeremy: who got teh balls i got teh balls big, big, big teh balls!
    [Just before leaving Jeremy and Anastasia alone to argue.]
    Kyle: Doug, why don’t we go make some toast or something?
    Doug: Screw the toast man. This is really awkward!
    Anastasia: Why don't you just group with some fangirl?
    Jeremy: I have four words for you, GTFO
    Anastasia: Oh, my Go-- You're filming this?! Why don't you just put this on your internet TV show too! Oh my God!

### i <3 u in rl [1.11]

    teh_masterer: It's the decisions you make—when you have no time to make them—that define who you are.

### Game Over [1.12]

    [Doug cooking bacon.]
    Kyle: Anastasia's a vegetarian now
    Doug: Oh my God dude, how long have she had that?
    Jeremy: It’s really got me thinking too… just about like endings and stuff… like when you play Super Mario Brothers like what happens when you win the game ‘n turn it off? You know.. is Mario and Peach are like chilling out in the castle or are they waiting for you to turn on the game again? Do they even exist at all y’know? kind of deep stuff I spend a lot of time thinking about…
    Jeremy: Oh hohohoho, ohhh who's psychic now? Oh didn't see that coming did ya!? Uhh, well whose psychic now? Get your ass ready to be spanked! MmmHmm gonna-spank-your-ass, Mmm Hmm! Oh yea! We're gonna spank your ass, ohh your ass is soo pwned! MmHmm Who didn't see that coming? You didn't! You..

## See also

* Pure Pwnage