# It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World is a 1963 film about the madcap pursuit of $350,000 in stolen cash by a diverse and colorful group of strangers.
    Directed by Stanley Kramer. Written by William Rose and Tania Rose.

## Dialogue

    [First lines; the car is on the run. The driver is non other than the elderly criminal Smiler Grogan. He passed the other cars and a truck and jumped off the side of the hilly road, and crashed down below. All the cars pull over one by one, the men quickly jump out in shock at having just witnessed everything]
    Russell: Whoa! Hey d-did ya see it, the way he went sailing right out there? He just went sailing right out there.
    Melville Crump: It was terrible, I m-a-mean just terrible. He musta been doin' over eighty ya know.
    Russell: An ambulance - we better, we oughta call an ambulance.
    Dingy Bell: Oh...Oh look at that car.
    [The group starts bickering and talking over one another]
    Russell: He went sailing right out there.
    Dingy Bell: How 'bout you doin' ninety miles an hour?
    Russell: I wasn't doin' - he was passin' me.
    Dingy Bell: We weren't standin' still when he passed us...
    Russell: I never saw such a crazy guy in my life!...
    Lennie Pike: Come on, let's get down there!
    [The group immediately starts scrambling down the rocky hill]
    Russell: [to Emmeline and Mrs. Marcus] W...We're gonna go down there, you stay in the car.
    Emmeline: Now Russell, be careful, remember your condition.
    Mrs. Marcus: [gestures her hand with disdain] Eh.
    Russell: [to himself] Ooh, boy the way he just sailed out there. [follows down after the group]
    Smiler Grogan: [while dying] Look, there's this dough see. There's all this dough. Three hundred and fifty g's! Do you hear what I'm saying? Three hundred and fifty g's! In the park. Rosita. Rosita Beach State Park. Just south of Daygo in Santa Rosita. It's in this box, buried under this... [continuing after coughing in his injured state] ...buried under this big W. You'll see it! You'll see it under this big W. You can't miss it! A big, big, W! And it's been there. And it's been laying there for fifteen years! Watch out. Watch out for the bulls. Lousy, stinking bulls are everywhere. Bulls all over the place. You just drive down and dig it up. Dig it all up. And then - and then you fix yourselves all up. Fix yourselves all up. Walk down the street like a king, back to the old neighborhood. See the fellas, the dames - the dames, all with a big hello - a big hello for old Smiler. Good old Smiler, everybody's friend. [lies his head down, almost dead. Benjy takes his hat off, until he jolts awake and grabs Melville's jacket] Aunt Belle, I didn't mean to do it!
    Lennie Pike: Holy mackerel, take it easy, mister!
    Russell: Easy!
    Smiler Grogan: [last words] Please! Please say it don't make any difference, Aunt Belle! Please! You gotta say! You gotta tell me it don't make any difference!
    Dingy Bell: For heaven's sake, tell him.
    Melville Crump: It - It don't make any difference.
    [Smiler Grogan groans, finally passes away, and kicks the bucket - literally, stunning the men]
    Lennie Pike: That guy is dead. You better believe it.
    Benjamin: Oh, I believe it all right, but if he jumps up again like he did before, I'm gonna get the hell out of here.
    Mrs. Morgan: (A very funny line). Comedian Groucho Marx was written in to play a doctor to say a line at the end of the movie. He turned it down. He jokingly said he would be "Mrs. Morgan" in a letter to a fan.
    Lennie Pike: So lets see, now, I got 1 share for being 1 person, 1 share for going down the hill, 1 share for the truck, and 1 share for being a person in the truck, but no matter how you figure it out, I still don't get as much as anybody else!
    Melville Crump: Let me explain once more. [points pen at J. Russell Finch, Mrs. Marcus, and Emmeline Marcus-Finch] Them, their group, they, those 3, they get $112,000. [points pen at Dingy Bell and Benjy Benjamin] Those over there, them, they get $97,000. [points pen at himself and Monica] We, we, us they get $84,000. [points pen at Pike] And you, by yourself, you get $56,000, alone, and that's tax free money.
    Lennie Pike: What do you mean "tax free"?
    Benjamin: Look! We've figured it seventeen different ways, and every time we figured it, it was no good, because no matter how we figured it, somebody don't like the way we figured it! So now, there's only one way to figure it. And that is, every man, including the old bag, for himself!
    Dingy Bell: And may the best man win!
    Benjamin: Right! [points to Mrs. Marcus] Except you, lady! You can just DROP DEAD!!!
    Pike: All right, now we all agree on that. Now look, let's be sensible about this thing. There's money in this for all of us. Right? There's enough for you, there's enough for you, and for me, and for you, and there's enough for...
    [They all race to their cars]
    Monica: [looking at a highway map] Mount Shasta National Forest. Are we anywhere near Mount Shasta...
    Melville Crump: That's on the top. Look down near the bottom.
    Monica: Are we near Oregon?
    Melville Crump: It's seven hundred miles from here!
    [After barreling down a hill and stuff flies off the truck]
    Migrant Truck Driver: [to his wife] I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I didn't want to move to California.
    Russell: [pulling a blue bicycle from the mess of furniture that fell out of Pike's van] Here, take this and go hire us the best car you can find.
    Lennie Pike: But...this is a little girl's bike. This is for a little girl. Oh listen, I got to get this stuff back in so I can lock up the van.
    Russell: We'll put everything away. Will you get going please, will you hurry?
    Lennie Pike: Oh, okay...I gotta admit. I feel kinda silly. You know what I mean? [nonetheless pedals away on the bicycle]
    Col. Hawthorne: Jolly nasty accident there. Jolly lucky nobody was hurt.
    Mrs. Marcus: Where did you get that funny accent? Are you from Harvard or something?
    Col. Hawthorne: Harvard? Rather not. I'm English.
    Mrs. Marcus: Sounds so foreign.
    Col. Hawthorne: [eyes widen] Really?
    Melville Crump: Filibuster. Filibuster. Ha. Now you can stick around and watch us take off.
    Dingy Bell: Listen, Dentist: I hate dentists! And I hate you so much, that I'm not able to tell you how much I hate you, in front of your wife-!
    Benjamin: And visa versa.
    Melville Crump: [enraged] Why you...Come on over here! [Dingy and Benji run for their lives] Come on over here!
    Otto Meyer: [honking the car horn as he pulls into the Ray & Irwin Garage] Fellas. I'm glad you're here. Look, I need your help. Here's what happened. I had this blowout. I think there's a spare in the back. It may be a little flat. Take a look at it will you kid? Is there an airport anyplace around here? Look, if the spare is flat don't bother fixing it. Gimme a new tire, all right? You ain't got a new tire? Then you'll have to fix the spare. But don't look at me. Move it, will you kid? You, you could be gassing up while he's working. What is it a staring contest? Come on! [clapping his hands over and over] Move! Move, will you kid? Come on!
    Man in Car in Desert: [drives and stops by] Trouble? Having any trouble?
    Mrs. Marcus: Yes, and we don't need any help from you!
    [Brief pause]
    Man in Car in Desert: [offended] Well! [drives off]
    Fitzgerald: [waking up] Uh...Just a minute. I...I cahhn't see.
    Dingy Bell: What?
    Fitzgerald: Something's happened to my eyes. I-I-I cahhn't - I cahhn't see!
    Dingy Bell: You cahhn't see?! [to Benjy] He cahhn't see!
    Benjamin: Must be an eye cold.
    Fitzgerald: George! George!
    Otto Meyer: [spotting an angry Pike approaching] Oh, no! It's that lunatic! The one who escaped from the asylum! He's a homicidal maniac! He's got a hate complex! Go away, I'm not your nurse!
    Mrs. Marcus: Now for the last time! Are we calling Sylvester or not?!
    Russell: No! We are not! And I'll tell you why not. Because your son Sylvester is an irresponsible, unreliable, big loudmouth no good bum! Who if he isn't a crook? It's because he doesn't have the brains or ambition even to BECOME a crook!
    Col. Hawthorne: I say: Good show!
    First Cabbie: That'll be two ninety.
    Melville Crump: Okay, here's three dollars. Wait for us, okay?
    First Cabbie: [sarcastically] Oh, sure.
    Melville Crump: Wise guy.
    Hardware Store Clerk: [emerges] I'm sorry, we're closed. It's twelve o'clock on Sunday.
    Melville Crump: It's twelve o'clock, they're closed. Wait a minute! All we want is a pick and a shovel.
    Hardware Store Clerk: Well, Mr. Dinckler is inside...
    Melville Crump: Dinckler! That's it, we'll get Dinckler, come on! [he and Monica entered the hardware store]
    Russell: I don't know, I must find my wife. I don't know what to do.
    Col. Hawthorne: Look, wherever they are, surely the most sensible thing for the two of us to do is to press on. I mean for all we know, your brother-in-law may be out or away somewhere. And even if he were the first to be there, he still has to find the money, hasn't he? Now I earnestly recommend that we forget your good ladies and press on with all possible dispatch.
    Russell: [mockingly] All right, we'll press on with all possible dispatch.
    Col. Hawthorne: And I don't really think that personal rancor is going to help the situation. If I may say so.
    Russell: You want me to tell you something? As far as I'm concerned, the whole British race is practically finished. If it hadn't been for lend-lease. If we hadn't have kept your whole country afloat by giving you billions that you never even said "thank you" for, the whole phony outfit would be sunk right under the Atlantic years ago. [Hawthorne screeches to a stop] What are you stopping for?
    Col. Hawthorne: Get out of this machine.
    Russell: Get out? You can't...
    Col. Hawthorne: It's my machine, I will do as I bloody well, please. Out!
    Russell: I'm awfully sorry. I've been very edgy today and if I said anything about England, I apologize.
    Col. Hawthorne: Glad to hear you say so. [drives again] I must say, if I had the grievous misfortune to be a citizen of this benighted country, I should be the most hesitant at offering any criticism whatever of any other.
    Russell: Wait a minute, are you knocking this country? Are you saying something against America?
    Col. Hawthorne: Against it? I should be positively astounded to hear of anything that could be said FOR it. Why, the whole bloody place is the most unspeakable matriarchy in the whole history of civilization! Look at yourself, and the way your wife and her strumpet of a mother push you through the hoop! As far as I can see, American men have been totally emasculated. They're like slaves! They die like flies from coronary thrombosis, while their women sit under hairdryers, eating chocolates and arranging for every second Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day! And this positively infantile preoccupation with bosoms. In all my time in this wretched, godforsaken country, the one thing that has appalled me most of all is this preposterous preoccupation with bosoms. Don't you realize they have become the dominant theme in American culture: in literature, advertising and all fields of entertainment and everything. I'll wager you anything you like: if American women stopped wearing brassieres, your whole national economy would collapse overnight.
    Dispatcher: Attention, all units. The Crumps are locked in a hardware store basement. Shall I let them out?
    Culpeper: How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement?! We've got to let them out!
    Police Sergeant: That ain't fair.
    Culpeper: It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
    Police Sergeant: They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uhh. After all, if you help them, you aren't being fair to the others.
    Culpeper: But the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick them up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?
    Police Sergeant: Ah. It's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me, I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody, otherwise it just ain't fair.
    Culpeper: Ummm. [over the speaker] Central to F7: No. We'll leave them where they are. See what happens. Watch all the exits, but render no assistance. Over. [to Police Sergeant] Are you happy?
    Sylvester: [on the phone] Mama, who's with you? Where are you talking to me? Where are you?
    Mrs. Marcus: [on the phone] I'm with this truck driver at Peterson's garage in a place called Plaster City! And will you just shut up a minute so I can tell you what happened?!
    Sylvester: [on the phone] Now listen, Mommy, you listen to me close. You stay right there, because I'm coming, Mom. I'm coming to get you right now, Mom.
    Mrs. Marcus: [on the phone] Will you shut up and listen?!
    Sylvester: [on the phone] Mama, it's all right. Everything's gonna be all right, Mama. Your baby's coming to get ya. You just sit there. Sit there, relax, take it easy.
    Mrs. Marcus: [on the phone] Sylvester-!
    Sylvester: [on the phone] I'm coming to get you, Mom!
    Mrs. Marcus: [on the phone] Shut up and let me talk-!
    Sylvester: [on the phone; interrupting his mother] Everything is gonna be all right! [hangs up]
    Lennie Pike: [to Mrs. Marcus] Well?
    Mrs. Marcus: [to Lennie; in a calm shock] So he's coming here. And I'm not to worry about a thing, because "everything is going to be all right". [to Emmeline; shouting] EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FATHER! A big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!
    Sylvester: [to himself while crying and driving] I'm coming. That's what I'm here for. That's why you had me, Mama, to save you.
    Russell: Let's stop arguing please! The only reason were together is because they only had one car. So lets get there, even if we are last.
    Col. Hawthorne: Whatever the outcome of the day I shall never forget that you hit me when I wasn't even looking!
    Russell: [smiling] Yeah.
    Air Traffic Control Tower Staffer: If you can, give us your position. Who is flying the plane?
    [Benji is at the controls]
    Dingy Bell: What do you mean "who's flying the plane"?! Nobody's flying the plane!
    [Benji scowls at Ding]
    Russell: [about his mother-in-law] And I give you my word. My wife wanted to stop for you, I wanted to stop for you, he wanted to stop for you. But tell him, tell him how my mother in-law made us drive right by him...
    Lennie Pike: Listen, anything you can say about your mother in law, you don't have to tell me! You know what I mean? It's like, if she were a star of a real crummy horror movie, I'd believe it!
    [Benjy and Dingy run by]
    Sylvester: Who are they?
    Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
    Sylvester: From this morning?
    Mrs. Marcus: Yes.
    [Captain Culpeper goes by]
    Sylvester: Who is he?
    Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
    [Otto Meyer runs by]
    Sylvester: Who is he?
    Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
    Sylvester: Mama, how many people are mixed up in this thing? [two cab drivers run by] Who are they? Cabbies? Mama, this thing is like a convention.
    [Last lines; after they got injured by the ladder and putting the men into the prison hospital with bandages and casts]
    Benjamin: [to Culpeper] It's all your fault, It's your fault right from beginning to end!
    Col. Hawthorne: You know, even for a policeman, your behavior was ruddy outrageous!
    Sylvester: Yeah, you could have taken a fair share like the rest of us, but no! You just had to go and grab up the whole scene, baby.
    Dingy Bell: We had 350,000 bucks right in our hands.
    Melville Crump: 14 into $350,000...
    Dingy Bell: [groans] Oh, shut up!
    Otto Meyer: I wish I knew what they're going to do to us. But no matter what happens to us... [turns to Culpeper] ...what happens to you, I hope will be worse!
    Culpeper: I don't think you have to worry about that. My wife is divorcing me; my mother in-law is suing me for damages; my daughter is petitioning the court to get her name changed; my pension has been revoked, and the ONLY reason, that you ten idiots will very likely get off lightly, is because the judge will have me up there...to throw the book at!
    2nd Cabbie: Awww...that's tough! [laughs along with the 3rd Cabbie who smiles to Culpeper]
    Culpeper: I'd like to think that sometime, maybe 10 or 20 years from now, there will be something that I could laugh at, anything.
    [Benjy finished eating the banana and throws the banana peel on the floor. Mrs. Marcus, Emmeline and Monica enter the hospital room, wearing blue prison dresses]
    Mrs. Marcus: [yelling at the bandaged men] Now see here, you idiots, it's all your fault, because if you hadn't...! [slips on the banana peel and falls back-first on the floor]
    Sylvester: [horrified] Mama!
    [All the hospitalized men, except Sylvester and Culpeper, burst out laughing uproariously]
    Mrs. Marcus: [yelling while being put on the stretcher and taken away by the doctors] Don't you dare touch me! Get away from me! Let me go! Leave me alone...!!!
    [Then Culpeper joins the laughter]

## Taglines

* It's The Biggest Entertainment Ever To Rock The Screen With Laughter!
* If ever this mad, mad, mad, mad world needed "It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world" it's now! (1970 reissue)
* Everybody who's ever been funny is in it!

## Cast

* Spencer Tracy - Captain T. G. Culpepper
* Milton Berle - J. Russell Finch
* Dorothy Provine - Emmeline Marcus-Finch, J. Russell's wife
* Ethel Merman - Mrs. Marcus, Emmeline's mother
* Dick Shawn - Sylvester Marcus, Emmeline's brother
* Sid Caesar - Melville Crump
* Edie Adams - Monica Crump, Melville's wife
* Jonathan Winters - Lennie Pike
* Mickey Rooney - Dingy Bell
* Buddy Hackett - Benjy Benjamin
* Phil Silvers - Otto Meyer
* Terry-Thomas - Mr. Hawthorne
* Jimmy Durante - Smiler Grogan

## External links

* It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World quotes at the Internet Movie Database