# Zorro, The Gay Blade

Zorro, the Gay Blade is a 1981 feature film. This comedy features George Hamilton in a Golden Globe-nominated dual role as both Don Diego de la Vega (Zorro) and his gay twin brother Bunny Wigglesworth, né Ramon De La Vega.
    Story and Screenplay by: Johnston McCulley, Hal Dresner, Greg Alt, Don Moriarty, and Bob Randall
    Directed by: Peter Medak
    Starring George Hamilton

## Dialogue

    [Don Diego is lounging in his bed with a beautiful woman.]
    Veronica: Tell me the truth. Do you think I'm a good wife?
    Don Diego: Veronica… you are more exciting than Venus herself.
    Veronica: Then why doesn't my husband ever say that?
    Don Diego: Because he's not intelligent. He is not intuitive. He is not insightful.
    [A man leaps through an open but curtained door.]
    Don Garcia: And he is not in Barcelona!
    Don Diego: Don Garcia, I am astonished you would enter my house without my permission!
    Don Garcia: I might say the same thing about you with my wife!
    Don Diego: I do not wish to insult you, my dear Garcia, but I could fight four men such as you!
    Don Garcia: You are quite right, Don Diego.
    Don Diego: You see?
    Don Garcia: That is why I brought my FIVE BROTHERS!
    [Diego arrives in Los Angeles.]
    Don Diego: Los Angeles de California. The birthplace… of me.
    Don Diego: That is, uh, my servant, Paco. He is a mute. He cannot speak.
    Captain Esteban: Oh, excellent! Perhaps he can give lessons to my wife.
    Captain Esteban: Your father, I'm sorry to say, had a terrible accident.
    Don Diego: Accident?
    Captain Esteban: Sí. He was out riding when his horse was frightened by a turtle.
    Captain Esteban: My friend — I want you to know that the turtle who caused this has been executed.
    [The landowners meet to elect a new Alcalde.]
    Captain Esteban: Caballeros! I believe you all know each other?
    Don Diego: Don Diego from San Fernando.
    Don Francisco: Don Francisco from San Jose.
    Don Fernando: Don Fernando from San Diego.
    Don Jose: Don Jose from San Bernardino.
    Luis Obispo: Luis Obispo from Bakersfield.
    [A peasant is being stretched on the rack.]
    Captain Esteban: That man was three pesos short in paying his taxes. I can assure you that he will never be short again.
    Captain Esteban: Arrest that woman! Now!
    Charlotte Taylor Wilson: No, wait! Isn't this the village square, where according to law, everyone is allowed to speak his or her mind?
    Captain Esteban: You're right, Señorita. [yelling to the crowd] The woman is allowed to speak! But arrest anyone who listens.
    Charlotte Taylor Wilson: [to the crowd] Let your voices be heard! Oppose the… greedy bloodsuckers!
    [She drops her pamphlets. Diego picks them up and hands them to her.]
    Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Thank you. I'm Charlotte Taylor Wilson. I'm with the People's Independence Committee.
    Don Diego: Don Diego Vega. I'm with the… greedy bloodsuckers.
    Don Diego: The peoples are quite happy working the land for the caballeros!
    Charlotte Taylor Wilson: You don't really believe the people are happy!
    Don Diego: [quietly] All I know is the soldiers are very happy shooting the peoples who say the peoples are not happy.
    Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Could you tell me where I might find a decent inn?
    Don Diego: An inn?! With all your talk about the people, I see you like decent inns! And you wear expensive clothes, not the rags. And you smell of the sultry perfumes, not the… ship oil.
    Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Ship oil? [pauses in puzzlement] You mean the oil from boats?
    Don Diego: No, ship oil, from the ships in the field.
    Charlotte Taylor Wilson: [slowly] What ships… in the field?
    Don Diego: Jou have never heard of the ships in the field? The little, uh… baa-baa-baas?
    Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Oh, you mean "sheep"!
    Don Diego: Jes, that is what I said.
    Charlotte Taylor Wilson: No, you said "ship"! Forgive me, but you have a very pronounced accent.
    Don Diego: Jou're trying to change the subject from the fact that jou are actually… very wealthy.
    Charlotte Taylor Wilson: I am not… very wealthy!
    Don Diego: After all, what poor woman can afford three names? Answer me that if you can, Señorita [counting off on his fingers] Charlotte… Taylor… Wilson.
    [Don Diego reads a letter from his deceased father that he finds among the Zorro accoutrements.]
    Vega Sr.: The sword, with which to fight injustice. This mask, with which to deceive tyranny. And this hat, which needs… reblocking.
    [While Diego was reading his father's letter, Paco has donned his own costume, which makes him look like a life-sized teddy bear.]
    Don Diego: What're you supposed to be, eh, a… duck? A bear? Don't be silly — bears don't have ears like that. I will allow you that you are a… a pig, but that is as far as I will go. That's all.
    [On the road, Don Diego has defeated an apparent brigand in swordplay.]
    Tax Collector: I beg your mercy from- from your flashing blade, and—
    [Paco shows up in bear regalia.]
    Tax Collector: Ooooh! Oh my God! — also from your hideous dog!
    [Diego returns the money — and then some — to the old man and his family.]
    Diego Zorro: You recognize that famous sign, eh?
    Old Man: Oh, yes, Señor. It is a number "2".
    Diego Zorro: That is not a "2". That is a "Z"!
    Old Man: Oh, if you say so, Señor! But in the school, that is how they teach my granddaughter to draw a "2"!
    Diego Zorro: Well, I say it is a "Z" — for "El Zorro"!
    Diego Zorro: Spread the news… that he is back! To help the helpless! To befriend the friendless! And to defeat… the feetless!
    [Zorro escorts Charlotte into the costume party, but Paco the "Bear" is stopped at the door.]
    Guard: Where is your invitation, Señor Beaver?
    [The "brigand", who turns out to be the Alcalde's henchman Velasquez, reports to Esteban about his misadventure.]
    Velasquez: He said his name was, uh… "Zero". He was dressed all in black, and was accompanied by a… hideous dog.
    [Florinda chats with the mysterious black-clad stranger.]
    Florinda: You know, as the Alcalde's wife, I must play many, many, many roles, but the people only see the part I play in public. Only a few select friends know my private parts.
    [Velasquez points out Zorro, who is dancing with Florinda.]
    Captain Esteban: That man in the black sombrero — this is Zero?
    Old Man: I am certain of it!
    Captain Esteban: Then the hideous dog you refer to must be my wife, yeah?
    [Zorro crosses swords with the Alcalde.]
    Captain Esteban: Is your blade as sharp as your tongue?
    Zorro: Is yours as dull as your wit?
    Captain Esteban: You're a little clumsy, are you not, my friend?
    Zorro: To be your friend, I would have to be more than clumsy — I would have to be estupid!
    [Florinda, crawling up a ladder into Diego's bedroom, tells him about Zorro's party intrusion.]
    Florinda: He made a complete fool out of Esteban. Ha ha!
    Don Diego: Well, with Esteban, there is so much material to work with!
    [Florinda moans about her miserable life with Esteban.]
    Florinda: Do you realize… that we only make love 12 times a year?
    Don Diego: Once a month is not too bad!
    Florinda: I mean, 12 times in one night! And then, for the rest of the year — nothing!
    Don Diego: Tell me… on that one night… does he eat anything especial? Oysters? Raw eggs?
    Florinda: Garlic. A lot of garlic.
    Don Diego: Ah!
    Florinda: Diego, darling! Why didn't I marry you instead of him?
    Don Diego: Perhaps because he asked you and I did not.
    [A suspicious, crazed Esteban forces an injured Diego to demonstrate his ability to move about.]
    Captain Esteban: Now walking and running and jumping in place, and…
    Esteban, Diego: [in unison] … now walking and running and jumping in place, and now walking and jumping and running in place—
    Captain Esteban: STOP!
    [Captain Esteban confronts Don Diego at his home to determine if he is Zorro]
    Captain Esteban:Now, lisp like a sissy
    Don Diego:[lisps]
    Captain Esteban:That's right! Now, swing your hips …
    Captain Esteban:Excellent! Now flap your wrists …
    Captain Esteban:And repeat after me [Esteban speaks in a greatly exaggerated sissy voice] "You naughty, naughty, evil Alcalde! I am going to do … many terrible things … TO YOU!" [laughs hysterically]
    [After Esteban skewers the casket in which Florinda is hiding, he leaves. Diego opens the casket to find Florinda, pressed up against one side.]
    Don Diego: Florinda, you're not hurt!
    [She shakes her bosom.]
    Florinda: Thank God for small favors!
    [Diego is limping around on his broken foot.]
    Don Diego: My father would be very ashamed of me now. To come all this distance, and miss my destiny by… a foot.
    [The mute Paco gestures wildly at Diego.]
    Don Diego: Are jou jelling at me?
    [A flamboyant stranger presents himself at Don Diego's home.]
    Don Diego: I know you?
    Bunny Wigglesworth: Know me? Sink me! We were once… womb-mates!
    Bunny Wigglesworth: They say the Navy makes men. Well, I'm living proof — they made me.
    [Diego's brother Ramon, now "Bunny Wigglesworth", heads inside to greet their father.]
    Bunny Wigglesworth: … I ought to freshen up and say "Hi-ho!" to the old gent. Tell me, is he still as loud as ever?
    [Diego looks crestfallen.]
    Don Diego: No. The last month, he's been very… quiet.
    [Diego senses a flaw in Bunny's impersonation of Zorro.]
    Don Diego: Dere is-a something wrong with his bowels.
    Bunny Wigglesworth: My what?
    Don Diego: Jour bowels! The way you say your "ah", your "ee", and your… "jooz".
    [During one of Bunny Zorro's appearances before the people…]
    Bunny Zorro: And remember, my people — there is no shame in being poor, only dressing poorly!
    [Outside Diego's home, Bunny is diguised as a priest wearing crisom velvet monk's robe.]
    Captain Esteban: Tell me, Father — what order commands its priests to wear such strange clothes?
    Bunny Wigglesworth: We are followers of Peter the Dressmaker. He who was Christ's tailor.
    [As Bunny Zorro gets a head start on his escape…]
    Captain Esteban: Ah, Padre, with your permission, I would like to make to you a small donation, if I may, to your order.
    Bunny Zorro: Your horse and your gold are gift enough! The people thank you, Your Repugnancy!
    Captain Esteban: Now you mock the Church! Now you have me and God against you!
    Don Diego: Me too!
    Captain Esteban: FRUITCAKE!
    [After hatching his masked-ball plan to trap Zorro, Esteban embraces his wife passionately.]
    Captain Esteban: Do you know… that little thing… we do… one night… every year?
    Florinda: Yes! Oh, yes!
    [Esteban drops her on the floor and walks off.]
    Captain Esteban: We still have three months to go!
    Florinda: You fink!
    [Esteban, dressed rather appropriately as Henry VIII, addresses his guards before the ball.]
    Captain Esteban: He is cunning! He is crafty. He's not just going to walk in here and say, "Here I am!"
    [Diego, dressed as Zorro, enters the palace.]
    Don Diego: Here I am!
    [Diego admires Florinda's necklace.]
    Don Diego: It looks like it'll buy the peoples a lot of houses, maybe even some schools and roads.
    Florinda: Roads? What do the people need roads for? They never go anywhere.
    [In the women's restroom, Bunny, dressed as a woman, continues to help/hassle Florinda.]
    Florinda: If you don't stop touching me, I shall have you… destroyed!
    [Florinda finally escapes Bunny and complains to her husband.]
    Captain Esteban: Your neck!
    Florinda: Did that woman bruise me? She's got hands like an gorilla!
    [She drops her hands to her upper chest, where her necklace isn't.]
    Esteban, Florinda: Neck! Neck! Neck! Neck!
    Diego Zorro: Now I know it is permitted for a man to be… bulnerable.
    Charlotte Taylor Wilson: It's "vulnerable".
    [As the Alcade's men approach, Zorro takes his leave of Miss Wilson.]
    Diego Zorro: And when I return, we will not have to worry how to pronounce, ah, ah… "bir—"
    Charlotte Taylor Wilson: "Virgin"!
    [Esteban calls Zorro's bluff, forcing Zorro to surrender to prevent Charlotte's execution.]
    Captain Esteban: I have always depended on people being nicer than me, and I have never in my life been disappointed.
    [The guards move Charlotte away from and Diego onto the execution platform.]
    Charlotte Taylor Wilson: You're the bravest man I have ever met.
    Don Diego: [nervously] I'm very impressed with myself, too.
    Florinda: Isn't he marvelous?
    Don Fernando: He wears clothes well. I could never get into his pants.
    Florinda: I bet I could.
    Guard: … you are sentenced to be executed… until you are dead!
    Charlotte Taylor Wilson: I have only one regret…
    Diego Zorro: [to himself] One? I have one for every day I'm not going to live!
    Bunny Zorro: Two bits, four bits / Six bits, a peso / All for Zorro / Stand up and say so!
    Don Diego: What jou like for a wedding present?
    Charlotte Taylor Wilson: For myself, nothing. But I thought for the people, you might donate your land.
    Don Diego: I give my land to the peoples? If we give away my land, where you think we gonna live?
    Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Boston!
    Don Diego: Boston?!
    Charlotte Taylor Wilson: It's really the only civilized city. The best food, the best art, the best music!
    Don Diego: The best music. You gotta be joking! I spent a week in Boston once, and I don't think I heard a decent Mariachi player in the city!

## Tagline

* Zexy, Zany, Zensational !

## Cast

* George Hamilton - Don Diego Vega / Zorro / Bunny Wigglesworth / Ramon Vega
* Lauren Hutton - Charlotte Taylor-Wilson
* Brenda Vaccaro - Florinda
* Ron Leibman - Captain Esteban
* Donovan Scott - Paco
* James Booth - Velasquez
* Helen Burns - Consuelo
* Clive Revill - Garcia
* Carolyn Seymour - Dolores
* Eduardo Noriega - Don Francisco
* Pilar Pellicer - Don Francisco's wife
* Jorge Russek - Don Fernando
* Eduardo Alcaraz - Don Jose
* Carlos Bravo y Fernández - Don Luis Obispo
* Roberto Dumont as Ferraro
* Jorge Bolio - Pablito
* Frank Welker - Narrator (voice)

## External links

* Zorro, the Spanish Blade quotes at the Internet Movie Database
* Zorro, the Spanish Blade at Rotten Tomatoes