# The Simpsons/Season 27

The Simpsons: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 | Movie Crank calls
The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

### Every Man's Dream

    [Homer started sleeping at the Nuclear Plant after Marge threw him out of the house]
    Lenny: Poor guy, living at the plant.
    Carl: And yet, he's still late!
    [Selma calls Homer]
    Selma: Hello, Homer. Marge is getting ready for a date!
    Homer: [sad] Marge? On a date?
    Selma: Yep! But I'll make you a deal: I'll try to save your marriage if you can guess which one I am.
    Homer: Patty?
    Selma: Wrong!! [hangs up on Homer, who starts crying]

### Cue Detective

    [Lisa and Bart are investigating Nelson, who's playing a game on a tablet, about the missing smoker]
    Lisa: And those are some nice upgrades.
    Bart: Expensive upgrades!
    Lisa: Upgrades like that costs gems, and gems cost cash.
    Bart: Expensive cash!
    Lisa: Where did you get the cash, Nelson?
    Nelson: I don't use gems! I'm a grinder. A grinder!
    [spins the merry-go-round, making Bart and Lisa dizzy]
    Homer: Then they called me "Stinkson"! That's not even my name!
    Lisa: What happened? Our family's been ostracized for lots of things, but never about hygiene. [silence] Rarely our hygiene. [silence] Never my hygiene!

### Puffless

    Patty: I'm about to say something I never thought I'd say to you... Something nice.
    Homer: Mmhh?!
    Patty: I only mock you because I'm jealous of what Marge has on you. I only have Selma, and now I don't even have that.
    Homer: Oh, Patty, I waited so long for you to open a window of niceness.
    Patty: No, that was it, window shut.
    Marge: Eh, what's the penalty for... driving a tractor drunk through a... renaissance fair?
    Patty: Can't help you! I might be having a stroke! I have to consult a competent medical professional! [types on a medicine website "Have I had a stroke?"] Hmm... Got that, got that... m-Hmm... Who doesn't have that? [groans] Is anyone here to get an ambulance license?
    Comic Book Guy: That'll be mine!
    Patty: Here you go! [gives him a license]
    Comic Book Guy: I lied! [runs away]
    Bart: Now, put your good clothes on.
    Marge: I'm already in a dress and pearls, and I'm 8 years old.

### Halloween of Horror

    Homer: I don't want to be rude, but you losers should go suck somewhere else.
    Lisa: Why are you locking up the house?
    Homer: [scared] Wha...? [heavily breathing] Why does anything happen? Why are blue jeans blue? Who invented haircuts? [laughs] It's all just stuff I'm saying!

### Treehouse of Horror XXVI

    [Bart enters the music room looking for Mr. Largo. A classic violin music plays on the background]
    Bart: Mr. Largo? Hmm, something's wrong. That music is in tune...
    Sideshow Bob: Hello, Bart!
    Bart: Aah! Sideshow Bob!!
    Sideshow Bob: 'Twas I who texted you... using Milhouse's phone! Did you know his wallpaper is American Girl Doll? Now let me put this in terms that a young boy would understand: [he opens a violin case and takes out a harpoon gun, then aims it at Bart while he speaks] you and I have danced a grand pas de deux worthy of Nijinsky, but this... is... the final... plié!
    Bart: [unamused] Yawn. You couldn't kill me with that thing if I drew an "X" on my forehead. [he does so with blue chalk, then makes a taunting dance] Bob and a spear gun, sitting in a tree, S-U-C-K-I-N- [Bob shoots him with the gun, impaling him in the chest; he doesn't seem fazed, at first] Ha! Nice try, Bob, but I'm sure you made some... [he starts to falter] stupid... mistake...
    Sideshow Bob: Not this time. [yanks the spear projectile from Bart's chest, pulling out his heart]
    Bart: [in a weaker voice] Tell my father... he's... fat... [dies]
    Sideshow Bob: [smiles in triumph] The deed is done. 24 years of trying to kill a ten-year-old child have finally paid off.
    [Sideshow Bob has invented a Reanimator machine in the basement that can resurrect Bart]
    Sideshow Bob: And now, Bart, let's bring the old "spark" back to our special relationship! [He pulls the lever and activates the machine; in a second, Bart is born anew with no ill effects]
    Bart: [gets sassy] You couldn't kill me if I came in with pneumonia and a knife in my back. [Bob pulls out a sledgehammer and kills him again with one whack on the head]
    Sideshow Bob: I didn't care for the "thwock" the sledgehammer made. [tosses the hammer and returns to the Reanimator] No worries, I'll just kill him again. [activates the Reanimator again and revives Bart]
    Bart: [with a confident smile] That's why I'm the Unkillable Kid. [Bob arrives and hits him with the sledgehammer again, this time in the stomach, but nothing happens] Still not dead. [Bob gets annoyed and whacks him on the head again] Psych! [Bob then gets infuriated and whacks him in a frenzy] Ay carumba! [the whacking continues until his guts spill out and he finally succumbs to his wounds]
    Sideshow Bob: We're both going to be sore tomorrow! [cackles in glee and revives Bart again, starting a death montage]
    [Sideshow Bob, revived as a mix-and-match critter, finishes T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" he reads to the students at Springfield University]
    Sideshow Bob: "...By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
    Till human voices wake us, and we drown."
    [to the students] Any questions?
    Female Student 3: [with Bart relaxing next to her] Yes, what are you supposed to be again?
    Sideshow Bob: [responds in annoyance] A full professor! But the tenure committee is excruciatingly slow. [He looks up at Bart and mutters with a "Why I oughtta..." and grunting before he gives off a cluck like a chicken and lays an egg that rolls in front of him. At once, he feels humiliated and embarrassed.]
    Lisa: Grampa, everyone in town thinks you are foolish.
    Grampa Simp-san: Who is more foolish---the fool, or the fool who thinks the fool a fool?
    Bart: What the hell does that mean, Grampa-san?
    Grampa Simp-san: For centuries, our family has made a daily offering of a special donut to a slumbering underwater sea creature, so that he does not rise and destroy us all. [Bart and Lisa laugh]
    Bart: He is foolish!
    Lisa: So foolish! [laughs and turns to Grampa Simp-san] Doesn't mean you are not special.
    Milhouse: Okay, guys. My cellphone is somewhere in that pulsing ooze. Now each grab one ankle while I dive in!
    Lisa: We have to be careful, Milhouse. There's no telling what that stu-- Bart! What are you doing?!
    Bart: [with a green "beard" made from the ooze] Madam, how do you do?
    Lisa: [offscreen voice] You don't know what that stuff is doing to you!
    Bart: Oh, it's just the same junk Dad brings us home from work! [reveals that the ooze is radioactive waste from the nuclear plant] To us Simpsons, this green goop is mother's m-- [a bubble with the radioactive ooze blows up, throwing them out of the hole]
    Kang: Once again, they just had a cameo!
    Kodos: Don't be confused, or they'll put us in 4:3 (4 by 3)! [The black bars split into HDTV and transform into SDTV (4:3)] Oh, they're doing it! No!!!!!!
    Kang: Just because it looks like Season 4 doesn't make it season four!

### Friend with Benefit

    Lisa: Magic Club! Join the Magic Club! Want to cut up a banana without peeling it? Join and [in a spooky tone] I'll tell you how! It's with a needle and thread!!
    Harper: I like magic. I'm going to take one of your cards. [takes one of them and performs a magic trick, making the cards multiply] Or did I take 52?
    Lisa: [gasps] Do you want to join in? You could be president! Just man the booth, I need to go to the bathroom.
    Harper: I'd love to join. Honestly, this is the only booth that doesn't creep me out. [looks at Ralph's Hug Club]
    Ralph: Hug me! Hug me! [Principal Skinner puts a "Warning, Do not hug" sign on him] Hug me!
    Harper: I'm Harper. Just moved here. Trying to make friends.
    Lisa: Lisa. Always been here. Trying to make friends. [they hug]
    Groundskeeper Willie: Well, I've got news for all of your clubs! It's 3 p.m., so Willie's turnin' on the sprinklers!
    [turns the sprinklers on, scaring all the kids]
    Homer: Marge, do you know how it feels when you have a man to provide you everything you need?
    Marge: I have thought a lot about that, and I have to say... no.

### Lisa with an 'S'

    [Marge and Bart are trying to talk with Lisa via Skype]
    Marge: Are you sure you set it up right?
    Bart: Yes!
    Marge: Then why aren't we skyping?
    Bart: I don't know, maybe Lisa's drugged-out.
    Marge: My daughter is not drugged-out!
    Bart: Maybe she's just sleeping late after partying at discoteques.
    Marge: How do you know about all-night discoteques?
    Bart: We have Disco Stu in this town, Mom. He's a resource. Use him!! [Skype tone plays]

### Paths of Glory

    [Homer and Marge are sad, eating pizza after taking Bart to the asylum. Lisa enters the kitchen]
    Lisa: Mom! Dad! I've discovered the most amazing thing, I can't wait... hum... Where's Bart?
    Marge: He's safe.
    Homer: And more importantly: We're safe.
    Marge: [sobs] I miss him so much! [combs Santa's Little Helper's fur like Bart's hair]
    Lisa: Hmm... Can I call him?
    Homer: You can call his guard, Tico. He picks up sometimes.
    Lisa: I see... Okay... I'll do that. [leaves]
    Marge: Homie, where did we go wrong?
    Homer: I don't know, sweetie. I don't know. We did everything we could for him during the commercials.

### Barthood

    [6 years old Bart and Homer are laying down on the grass looking to the sky]
    Bart: Why is the sky blue?
    Homer: Hmm... I don't know. Just is.
    Bart: Why are the clouds white?
    Homer: No clue.
    Bart: Why are people yellow?
    Homer: It's the way God made them.
    Bart: Why is grass green?
    Homer: So you can find your damn golf ball! Now I have a question for you: Why did you leave your toy car on the stairs? [the camera zooms out, revealing many injuries on Homer's body]
    Bart: Why is blood red?
    Homer: Why do you ask?
    Bart: It's coming out of your ear.
    Homer: D'oh!

### The Girl Code

    Homer: Computers? Pasty weirdos? Backslashes?? Goth Lisa?! What's going on here?
    Lisa: [to Homer] In a way, we're teaching a computer to predict the future.
    Homer: Young lady, what have I told you about crossing the line from science fact to science fiction?
    Lisa: Relax, Dad. All we're trying to do is demo a build for the AppCrush convention.
    Quinn: If we can solve our backened server issues... [Homer moans]
    Lisa: ...And maximize our query speed... [Homer moans]
    Quinn: ...Then we can get hands-on write-ups from DoingDoing. [Homer moans]
    Lisa: And JezeBot. [Homer moans]
    Quinn: And our AMA subreddit will be trending [Homer moans]
    Lisa: Giga-trending!!
    Homer: Aah!! I hate the modern world and all its crazy words! [on the phone] Siri, tell Amazon to drone me a beer. [a drone enters from the window and gives Homer a Duff Beer can]
    Sideshow Mel: I'd pay a fortune for that app! $1.99!

### Teenage Mutant Milk-Caused Hurdles

    [Lisa gets a message on her cellphone]
    Lisa: Oh my god! I just got invited to my first third grade party!
    Homer: Are the parents gonna be home?
    Lisa: Yes.
    Homer: Pft! Lame!!
    Bart: Guys, I need to sharpen my mustaches. Which is better? A, [changes it to a downwards position] or B? [keeps changing it between upwards and downwards] A or B? A or B? A or B!? A or... B?
    Lisa: NOOOO!! No, no, no, nooooo!!!
    Bart: What happened? Did jazz die?
    Lisa: [enters Homer and Marge's bedroom] Look at me!! [the camera turns around, revealing her face with acne]
    Marge: Acne!? But she's only eight!
    Lisa: [worried] Somehow I'm becoming the Squeaky-Voiced Teen! [with a squeaky voice] Do you want fries with that? [back to her normal voice] What am I saying!?
    Bart: I, too, was visited by the Ghost of Puberty Present. I've got a starter 'stache! Next, I'm a loser, then I'm a creep, then I'm a perv! I've got to buy a van.
    Lisa: [cries] This isn't fair, I'm not ready for my awkward years. This is my happy childhood, for crying out loud!!
    Marge: [thinking] Oh, my God, I'm popular! Hope this doesn't go to my head. It went right to my head!! Aaaah!!
    Snake Jailbird: Talk to me.
    Homer Simpson: Yes. I need a milk refund!
    Snake Jailbird: Right. Um, address please? Wait, hold on. [grabs a knife and carves at a thief's forehead] "742 Nevergreen"…oh, Evergreen Terrace. Sorry, our system's a little slow!

### Much Apu About Something

    Jay: [to Apu] That's exactly what I'm talking to you about. You're my uncle and I love you, but you're a stereotype, man. Take a penny, leave a penny. I'm Indian, I do yoga. Why don't you go back to the Temple of Doom, Dr. Jones!
    Apu: This stereotype will no longer be a troublesome potato in your spicy vindaloo!
    Jay: I was kind of a douchewheel.
    Apu: Even your way of apologizing offends me.
    Lisa: Bart, wait! I like the new you. Listen, before you flip those circuit breakers, look deep in your sister's eyes and tell me what you see.
    Bart: I see love.
    Lisa: Unconditional love.
    Bart: Which means I can do whatever I want!
    Lisa: D'oh!
    Mayor Quimby: Springfield has more handicapped parking spots for fat guys than any other non-Chicago city.
    Apu: [reads a Playdude magazine] Before I die, I would like to know just what is in these nudie magazines.
    Sanjay: What is it, brother?
    Apu: An interview with... Jim Gaffigan.
    Apu: Quick & Fresh? Who spells "quick" with a "Q"?
    Marge: Oh, Apu, it's good to see you doing so well. I know you can't turn your head, but you've got a great view. Oh! Are you okay?
    Homer: Marge, he's got nine lives.
    Apu: I am a Hindu, sir, not a cat. I have infinite lives during some of which I may be a cat. In those I do have nine.

### Love Is in the N2-O2-Ar-CO2-Ne-He-CH4

    Power Plant Employee: Hey, Professor, I didn't know you worked here at the plant!
    Professor Frink: I consult! Sometimes they listen, sometimes not. People have died... [whispering] You didn't hear that from me!
    Power Plant Employee: So, who are you here with?
    Professor Frink: Well, no one as yet. But I haven't turned on the old Frink charm! [to a woman] Hello there. vo-ivy. [she ignores him and enters the reactor core room, making Frank sad] Well, there's, uh... no mistaking that message.

### Gal of Constant Sorrow

    Marge: Oh, this tile is lose! I'll have to call a handy man.
    Homer: Eh... Why did you say it like that, with the pause between the words? Are you saying I'm not handy?!
    Marge: That's how you say it. Handy man.
    Homer: It's handyman!
    Marge: That's what I said! handy [pause] man.
    Homer: [angrily] Marjorie, there is the profession: handyman, and there are men who are handy! Which are you saying I'm not? Tell me...
    Marge: A handy [pause] man. [Homer exclaims angrily]
    Bart: Face it, Homeboy, you ain't handy! Unless we need a big fat paperweight.
    Homer: I'll paperweight you!! [sits on Bart]
    Marge: Homie, sweetie, replacing a tile is something you really need a professional for.
    Homer: I know how to replace a tile! All guys do! We talk about it all the time. Grout?
    Marge: There's no stopping what I've started here. Here's your tile! [puts the tile on Homer's plate] Have fun! Handy [pause] man! [leaves]
    Disco Stu: [discovers a floor of Moe's Tavern] Ugh. This is place is dirtier than a tunnel!

### Lisa the Veterinarian

    Homer: Wow, an indoor water park! Hopefully, this will put the final nail in the coffin of lakes and rivers.
    Marge: Well, as a mother, I...
    Homer: We all know you're a mother.
    Marge: As a mother, I like that wherever I look, I can see a lifeguard.
    Otto: [drowning] I'm finding Nemo! [he disappears underwater and leaves through a pipe] I saw heaven!

### The Marge-ian Chronicles

    Homer: Hey, Flanders! Gas up your leaf blower much? [notices Flanders' hen house] Chickens?! Since when do you have chickens?
    Ned: Oh, about six months.
    Homer: Well, they've been driving me crazy. Get rid of them!
    Ned: [chuckles] Don't let these feathery fellas ruffle your feathers, fella.
    Homer: Chickens. You have yourself a perfectly good coop, and that's what you keep in it? [whistles]
    Ned: Oh, Homer, surely you know there's nothing tastier than a fresh-laid egg! [to Rod and Todd] How do you want 'em, boys?
    Rod and Todd: Coddled! Coddled! Coddled!
    Ned: [chuckles] What is it about boys and their coddled eggs?

### The Burns Cage

    Homer Simpson: [texts on this phone during a couch gag when "Meh" shows up] Up your… [other text shows the creator's name] Oh, sorry. Yes, sir. [other text shows the developers' names] Who are these guys? [other "Meh" text shows up] "Meh?"
    [Smithers saves Mr. Burns' life after a parachute jump gone wrong]
    Mr. Burns: [steps on Smithers' head] I did it! All by myself! [looks at Waylon] Oh, Smithers, do you always have to be underfoot?
    Smithers: Sorry, sir. If there was a less spectacular way to save your life, I... I should've found it.
    Smithers: Mr. Burns, coming down I... I thought we weren't gonna make it, and I thought I'd never get to say something I've always wanted to. The truth is, sir, I'm in love with...
    Mr. Burns: The sound of your own voice? Yes, well, no dogwood, I, listening to the nightingale trill her unending tune! Don't take this the wrong way, but you mean nothing to me. Someone I give less thought to than the little piece of popcorn stuck in my tooth. Ooh, can you remove it? [Smithers removes the popcorn stuck in Burn's teeth] I'll see you back at the office. Don't be late!

### How Lisa Got Her Marge Back

    [Bart prepares his money pulling prank and Hans Moleman is walking down the street]
    Bart: Ah, my first sucker! [chuckles]
    Moleman: Oh, a dollar. Now I can have lunch! [tries to grab the bill when his glasses fell, making him see perfectly] Hmm?! It's a trick! I never needed these. [throws his glasses and walks away. Bart groans]
    Cletus: Oh, lookie here, it's the old fishing line on a dollar bill prank. Man, even a backwoods, no account, inbred, lead-paint-eating, kerosene-huffing, roadkill-chomping, uh... what was my point? [walks away]
    Kirk: [to Luann] That is a practical joke, Luann. Which is too bad, because I desperately need that dollar. Yeah, I could also use the fishing line to get some dinner.
    Luann: Bart, if Milhouse is hiding with you, tell him he has to shop for school clothes. [Milhouse comes out from behind the bushes]
    Milhouse: Yay!! School clothes!
    Bart: [to Homer, who's watching football] Dad, I'm worried. No one is falling for my pranks anymore!
    Homer: Son, I know this seems like the biggest disappointment of your life, but trust me, there are going to be so many more. What you've got to remember is... Oh my God, 13 men in the field! Review it, review it, review it! Yes!! Play stands!
    Lisa: Mom, I've been working on a new solo jazz piece.
    Marge: [groans] Can I hear it? [Lisa starts playing her jazz solo]
    Homer: Oh, I'd love to stay and listen, but I'm late for work! [leaves and comes back with Snowball V] Here's another super-fan to hear you lay down your licks! [leaves, comes back, puts glasses and a beret on Snowball V and leaves again]
    Homer: (To Maggie who had her hair cut like Bart's) Why you little!
    Bart: Dad, no! You're gonna strangle a baby!
    Homer: (gasps) Oh my God. That would've been horrible! (to Bart) Why you little! (strangles him) Turning a sweet little baby into a you! (sits beside him) Bart, you're a great kid, but if I had another one like you, I'd hang myself from a highway overpass! Please, give your sister the precious gift of not being you.
    Bart: Okay Dad. Mags, it was fun while it lasted. (puts her hair back to normal)
    Homer: Huh? Ha! I didn't know it was that easy. (makes Bart's hair look like Maggie's)
    Bart: Stop that! (makes his hair like Sideshow Bob's)
    Homer: Aah! Sideshow Bob!

### Fland Canyon

    [Homer puts Maggie to sleep]
    Lisa: (offscreen) Did you put the baby to sleep? [Maggie wakes up]
    Homer: D'oh!
    Homer: Oh... I can't read that again. I hate to see a wolf get punished for having normal appetites.
    Homer: Okay, sweetie, I got a story about another little girl who got lost in the woods, but it wasn't a girl, and it wasn't the woods. [Maggie sucks her pacifier] Suck, suck indeed! And it all happened once upon a time, before you were born, and my chances for a man cave went out the window.
    Rev. Lovejoy: Bless you all for sacrificing your Saturday afternoon to help us clean up skid row.
    Homer: When God came for Sunday I said nothing. Now he comes for Saturday.
    Ned: Homer Simpson, it's one thing to moan and groan on the bus, but in front of these unfortunates, well... [scoffs] that just curls my 'stache! [his mustache curls a bit]
    Homer: Hey, Flanders, why don't you take some advice from your Bible and zip it?
    Ned: Oh, where does the Bible say "zip it"!?
    Homer: It's the first thing the burning bush said to Moses! [a homeless man approaches Homer]
    Homeless Man: Thank you for teaching us Scripture. [hugs Homer while he shows his tongue to Ned] Thank you.
    Bart Simpson: Enjoying your moon view, Homer?

### To Courier with Love

    Marge: Homer, you have to do more!
    Homer: Ook?!
    Marge: I'm getting tired of your "Ooks". I can't do this alone. Where's your chore list?
    Homer: Oh, I'm taking care of that! It's laminated. And to make sure I do it... [shows Marge a doodle of her on the back of the chore list] Hmm?
    [Marge groans]
    [Homer, Bart, Lisa and Maggie find an old car on the garage]
    Lisa: I've never seen this. It must've been left by some previous owner.
    Homer: Holy moly, a valuable antique car!! This is the find of a lifetime! Oh, it's a stick.
    [Homer enters the car and starts the engine]
    Lisa: Dad, shouldn't we see who owns the car?
    Homer: Now, sweetie, according to the ancient law of Trover, abandoned property passes to the subsequent landowner.
    Bart: Man, ever since you watched Medieval Tomb Robbers on the History Channel, everything with you is Trover, Trover, Trover!
    Homer: Boy, either show me a writ of replevin or pipe down!
    Homer: Well, if it isn't my favorite gal in my favorite room!
    Marge: I'm glad you had a good day.
    Homer: You don't sound glad.
    Marge: I'm not glad.
    Homer: But you said you were glad!
    Marge: You need to read between the lines.
    Homer: Why? There's just white space there.
    Marge: [crying] I'm sorry, Homie. Your life is full of fun surprises. My life sucks!
    [sobs and grabs a box of tissues]
    Homer: [thinking] Uh-oh. Tissues. [Marge lays down on the bed] W... would it help if I rubbed your back? Huh? Eh? Uh...
    Marge: Your hands smell like steering wheel.
    Homer: Poor Marge. What do I do? Help me, universe! [the doorbell rings and Homer opens the door] Jay Leno?!
    Jay Leno: Hiya! I was just passing in my 1973 Citroen DS Pallas when I saw that classic Morgan with the original wood dash interior. Man, I... I'd like to buy it!
    Homer: You'll have to pay cash with no questions asked.
    Jay Leno: How much you want?
    Homer: I said no questions!

### Simprovised

    Chief Wiggum: [at the evidence locker] Let's see... Present for Ralph, present for Ralph... Ooh, what do we have here? [grabs a crossbow] Boy, Ralph would kill himself with this in two seconds. And somehow it'd be my fault.
    [Chief Wiggum leaves the evidence locker whistling and encounters with Lou]
    Chief Wiggum: Uh... You heard me whistling there, right? That indicates innocence.
    Lou: Uh.. Proclaiming your innocence indicates guilt.
    Chief Wiggum: Uh, yeah? Well, what does that mean? Skiddily bop and bah!
    [he runs outside the door, enters on a car and drives away]
    Bart: Okay, so, at a Ralph party, always get to the cake before...
    [they see the cake deformed as Ralph's face]
    Lisa: Too late!
    Bart: Oh my treehouse sucks.
    Nelson: Haw-Haw! You have class envy!
    Mrs. Muntz: Nelson, honey, I told you to stop sayin' "haw-haw".
    Nelson: Give me a dollar and I'll stop.
    Mrs. Muntz: I don't got a dollar!
    Nelson: Haw-Haw!
    Marge: Do you want to practice your speech on me?
    Homer: [chuckles] No need, honey! Same speech I give every year. The opening joke about Lenny's grandma always kills.
    Marge: You can't joke about her. They just put her on life support.
    Homer: What?! No! She's the linchpin!
    Marge: It's okay, it's okay. Everyone is terrified of public speaking. But just in case, I'll defrost a failure ham.
    Homer: You don't have faith in me! I have savers! If I get heckled, I'll say, "Get a half-life!".
    [Marge stares at him]
    Marge: I'm sure that'll be funny to them.
    Marge: Ooh. Throwing away your "No Girls" sign? Is it time for you to have "the talk" with your dad? Because he's gonna have to read a few things first.
    Bart: No! I'm tearing it down. Ralph has a cool treehouse, and mine sucks.
    Marge: Well, Bart, your father built it, and he did the very best he could.
    [a flashback shows Homer building the treehouse on a sapling]
    Homer: I did my job. Now it's your turn, tree! Get growing!
    Marge: I'll tell you what, why don't I spruce it up for you? Huh?
    Bart: But you're an inside grown-up. Moms can't build treehouses.
    Marge: You realize that saying that is gonna make this mom work her keister off to make you the best darn treehouse you ever saw!
    Bart: Sounds good!
    Homer: [during Gracie Films/20th Century Fox logos] Waiting on the pants. Oh Bart, not culottes! No!

### Orange Is the New Yellow

    Lenny: Quitting time!
    Carl: Quitting time!
    Homer: Thank God it's Friday.
    Lenny: Thursday.
    Homer: Same thing. See you Monday!
    Homer: [on a phone call with Marge] Marge, baby, I'm out the door.
    Marge: Are you sure? Because sometimes people say they're out the door when they really haven't left yet.
    Homer: Those people are horrible, horrible liars. See you soon! [hangs up the phone]
    Mr. Burns: Simpson! Not so fast. Hold up one end of this poster! [Homer and Smithers hold a "Safety first, last and always" poster] Now use it to conceal this. [they close a leak with the poster] Excellent. Now, let me just crank up the plumb bob to determine the vertical marvel, we'll have this poster level in under three hours!
    Lisa: [dressed as a seahorse] Mom! Mom! My costume for the science play is all wrong!
    Marge: You said you were a seahorse!
    Lisa: A male seahorse, with a pouch!
    Marge: Males have pouches?
    Lisa: Male seahorses' nurturing is one of the wonders of the world. You said you read the script!
    Marge: Bart gave me a synopsis, I... [realizes that Bart made up the synopsis] Oh boy.
    [Maggie spills her carrots and peas on Marge]
    Bart: Mom, I'll clean that up for you.
    Marge: Oh, thank God, some help.
    Bart: Where's the mop?
    Marge: In the mop closet.
    Bart: Where's the bucket?
    Marge: Under the mop! [Bart opens a closet] Other closet! [he opens the second closet and some things fall from it]
    Bart: There's stuff in front of it. [Marge groans] Let me help! [grabs a box and two bottles fall from it and start crossing the floor] Ay caramba! Hey, there's wood underneath this linoleum.
    Marge: Oh! Just go play outside.
    Bart: Outside? Your loss.
    Bart: Hey, Martin.
    Martin: Bartholomew! This playground has safely stimulated my imagination.
    Bart: What the hell are you talking about?
    Martha: Martin! [chuckles] Who's your new friend?
    Martin: [whispering] Mother, don't blow this for me!
    Martha: Fine, I'll just go sit and talk to his mother. Where is she?
    Bart: I'm here by myself. But I have a safety number! [calls a number on his phone]
    Moe: Moe's Tavern. Homer ain't here, and for once, that's the truth. [Martha calls the police]
    Homer: Marge is right, Your Honor. My e-mail password is "bad dad."
    Bart: Yeah, Judge. If you wanna know who should be in jail, he weighs 240 and smells like onions. [Homer slaps Bart in the back of the head]
    Chief Wiggum: Simpson, are you here unsupervised?
    Bart: Yeah, and so what?
    Chief Wiggum: I'd lose the attitude, "Sylvester Stallone"! [Lou chuckles] Finally, a laugh out of Lou! Son, kids aren't allowed on their own anymore, now who said you could come here?
    Bart: My mom.
    Chief Wiggum: Ugh. Always the mom.