# Casino Royale (1967 film)

Casino Royale is a 1967 British-American parody spy action film about an aging Sir James Bond comes out of retirement to take on SMERSH with who discovers he had a daughter with Hata Mari and an imposter who assumes Bond's identity due to being too nerdy and cuckish to be successfull with women.
    Directed by Val Guest Ken Hughes John Huston and written by Wolf Mankowitz John Law Michael Sayers.

## Narrator

* Seven James Bonds at Casino Royale. They came to save the world and win a gal at Casino Royale. Six of them went to a heavenly spot. The seventh one is going to a place where it's terribly hot.

## Sir James Bond

* I remember your chap Lenin very well. First class organizer. Second class mind.
* "In my day spying was an alternative to war. The spy was a member of a select and immaculate priesthood, vocationally d-devoted, sublimely disinterested. Hardly a description of that sexual acrobat who leaves a t-trail of beautiful d-dead women like blown roses behind him.
* [Jimmy Bond is flailing his arms crazily trying to communicate] I never should have sent him to a Progressive school.
* Be careful, that's my loose kneecap.
* [Giving a description of his era's spy type] ... vocationally devoted, sublimely disinterested. Hardly a description of that sexual acrobat who leaves a trail of dead beautiful women like so many blown roses behind him, that bounder to whom you gave my name and number.
* Sir James: So, that's your plan, huh? The world full of beautiful women and all men shorter than yourself.

## Mata Bond

* [Pulls down the handle on a toilet and floor circulates to another room] It's the first john I've ever gone around with.

## Vesper Lynd

* "Never trust a rich spy!"

## Jimmy Bond/Dr. Noah

* [Being led to a firing squad] You do know of course that this means an angry letter to The Times?
* You can't shoot me! I have a very low threshold of death. My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time. I-I, eh, eh, oh, oh, what if I said I was pregnant?
* [Speaking amorously to The Detainer, believing he has seduced her to his cause] And afterwords we can run amok! Or if you're too tired, we can walk amok.
* All this trouble just to make up for your feelings of sexual inferiority? I'm beginning to think your a trifle neurotic.
* Look at my garden. Out there - there is a b-black rose. Not dark red. But, black - as a raven's wing at midnight. Gentlemen, I would not exchange one single pe-petal of that lovely flower for anything your world has to offer, including an Aston Ma-martin complete with lethal accessories.
* It's vaporized lysergic acid, it's highly explosive!
* This will show Sir James, once and for all, which of us has the perfect body. The poor boob!
* Proceed with SMERSH Plan B. Sir James Bond is back - with his morals, his vows, and his celibate image. We must destroy that image.
* Four... [hic] ...three... [hic] ...two... [hic]
* [Escaping the firing squad] So long, suckers!

## M

* Debussy. He plays Debussy every afternoon from sunset until its too dark to read the music. Stands on his head a lot. Eats royal jelly. Let's his intestines down and washes them by hand. Something he learned during his sojourn in Tibet.
* He used to say a good spy is a pure spy - inside and out.

## Q

* [To Evelyn Tremble entering the laboratory. He hands him a form] If you'd be good enough to sign here, sir. It's not for me, it's for the Official Secrets Act.

## Smernov

* [Lions approaching vehicle] I did not come here to be devoured by symbols of monarchy.

## Evelyn Tremble

* Grand Prix enthusiasts may be worried by the amount of time it has taken me to get into this Lotus Formula Three. What they don't realize is, although Le Chiffre thinks he has a faster car than me, I am faster in my Lotus Formula Three. Hee, hee!
* [To Miss Goodthighs] Look, I think I better... freshen up a bit. Quick. I'll be back in five minutes. If I'm not, start without me.

## Le Chiffre

* Don't worry about that chair with a hole in the middle. It's merely waiting to be reupholstered.

## Bacillus Box

* ...Handle these capsules with care. Dr. Noah's bacillus is highly contagious. This germ, when distributed in the atmosphere will make all women beautiful and destroy all men over 4'6". Please handle these capsules with care.

## Agent Mimi

* Oh, my love is like a red, red rose - that's newly sprung in June.

## Dialogue

    Piper: Excuse me. Are you Richard Burton?
    Evelyn Tremble: No, I'm Peter O'Toole!
    Piper: Then you're the finest man that ever breathed.
    Mata Bond: [In front of 10 Downing Street] Oh, Daddy, I do so long to meet him. All the girls do. He really turns me on!
    Sir James Bond: Did that finishing school teach you to talk like that?
    Mata Bond: No, I taught them. Oh, do be a pet, Daddy.
    Sir James Bond: Be a good girl, do run along and watch the changing of the guard.
    Mata Bond: I bet Mummy would have taken me in.
    Sir James Bond: Mummy took everyone in.
    Sir James Bond: You better bring me up to date. Who is on what assignment?
    Hadley: Well, it's not a very happy picture, sir.
    Sir James Bond: [Looking at a map] Why all the black flags there?
    Hadley: They've been liquidated, I'm afraid, sir. Our Finland, stabbed to death in a ladies sauna bath, sir. Our Madrid, burned in a blazing bordello, sir. And, Tokyo, sir, garroted in a geisha house.
    Sir James Bond: It's depressing that the words "secret agent" have become synonymous with "sex maniac."
    The Detainer: You're crazy. You are absolutely crazy!
    Jimmy Bond: People called Einstein crazy.
    The Detainer: That's not true. No one ever called Einstein crazy.
    Jimmy Bond: Well, they would have if he'd carried on like this.
    Frau Hoffner: Hmmm, it is little Otto. He was one of your mother's lovers. We often find him lying around.
    Mata Bond: Is he dead?
    Frau Hoffner: Hard to tell. He always looked like that.
    Vesper Lynd: Mr Evelyn Tremble?
    Evelyn Tremble: Yes, that's right.
    Vesper Lynd: Isn't Evelyn a girl's name?
    Evelyn Tremble: No, it's mine, actually.
    Evelyn Tremble: Mr. Mathis, there's something that's been worrying me...
    Inspector Mathis: Yes?
    Evelyn Tremble: Well, you're a French police inspector, yet you speak with a Scots accent.
    Inspector Mathis: Aye, it worries me, too.
    Q's Assistant: [Showing Bond a pen] When the nib touches the paper it releases a stream of poisonous gas into the writer's eye.
    Evelyn Tremble: Ideal if you want to send a...
    Q's Assistant: [Chiming in wearily] ... Poison pen letter, yes, all our agents say that, sir.
    Sir James Bond: [Taking the reins of the British Secret Service] Oh, by the way, Moneypenny, since I've come in here, have you heard me stammer?
    Miss Moneypenny: No, sir!
    Sir James Bond: Splendid. Let me know if I do; I haven't got time for that sort of thing now.
    Polo: This is your mother's room. It has not been opened since the day she left here in 1916. You see. Nothing has been touched.
    Mata Bond: It's a wild room! Hey, what an enormous bed!
    Polo: The German army was very large in those days.
    Miss Moneypenny: I really have to note your qualifications.
    Cooper: Height: six foot two and a half. 184 pounds. Trophies for karate and judo, holder of the Kama Sutra black belt.
    Miss Moneypenny: Very impressive. How do you spell that?
    Cooper: I'll show you!
    Evelyn Tremble: [Vesper has just been kidnapped] Haven't by any chance seen a young lady in a green dress, have you?
    Casino Doorman: [Who witnessed the kidnapping] Let me see, sir. Would that be a lady with a black bag over her head being manhandled by two unsavory gentlemens?
    Evelyn Tremble: Could very well be, yes.
    Casino Doorman: She went that way, sir, in a car.
    James Bond: What are you going to do?
    Le Chiffre: Physically, I'm not going to do anything.
    James Bond: Ah, you're going to nothing me to death.
    Le Chiffre: Torture of the mind. The most exquisite torture is all in the mind.
    Evelyn Tremble: [He and Vesper are leaving] Excuse me.
    Casino Director: Willingly.
    Polo: You're so like your mother, you're driving me insane.
    Mata Bond: Well, you haven't got far to go.
    Polo: Come to me. Come to me, my little Mata. Come to me. Come! [He falls off the bed, Mata opens the door]
    Mata Bond: About time you were back in your box, innit?
    Polo: You must forgive me. I lose control of myself. I'm a mad fool. Mad.
    Mata Bond: You want an argument?
    Sir James Bond: [In Mata's room] Who are all these people?
    Mata Bond: They're the high priests of the temple. Okay, Fred, up it! [A priest gets up and bows as he leaves]
    Sir James Bond: What an extraordinary performance. They seem to treat you like some kind of goddess.
    Mata Bond: Well, I am the celestial virgin of the sacred altar.
    Sir James Bond: Figuratively speaking, of course.
    Mata Bond: Of course.
    Sir James Bond: [Legionnaire salutes and rattles off something in French] Beg pardon?
    French Legionnaire: [Consults the book chained to his belt] The French have arrived!
    Sir James Bond: Look out!
    French Legionnaire: [Turns and punches a bad guy, then grabs his fist] Merde!
    Sir James Bond: Beg pardon?
    French Legionnaire: [Consults his book again] Ooch?
    Sir James Bond: [Eyeing Miss Lynd's ostentatious pantsuit with extravagant feathered headdress] What a charming outfit that is. Do you often wear it in the office?
    Vesper Lynd: If I wore it in the street, people might stare.
    Sir James Bond: Calamity makes strange be-bedfellows. But, why, I wonder, in the strength of your unity, do you disturb an old-fashioned gentleman in his retirement?
    M: We need your inspirational leadership in this dark hour.
    Le Grand: Please give us the benefit of your inconquerable powers of deduction.
    Ransome: For the freedom loving peoples of the world!
    Smernov: For the sake of the glorious, socialist revolution.
    Sir James Bond: If I may interrupt this flow of cliche, it is now that time of day I have set apart for - Debussy.
    Le Chiffre: Bond? James Bond? The name is familiar.
    Evelyn Tremble: I don't believe I've had the pleasure. Though, I'm flattered you've heard of me.
    Le Chiffre: I have heard of you; but, not as an expert on baccarat.
    Frau Hoffner: The Mata Hari School of Dancing is the only truly international school of espionage in the world.
    Polo: In the world.
    Frau Hoffner: There is no political prejudice here.
    Polo: Prejudice.
    Frau Hoffner: We train Russian spies for America.
    Polo: America.
    Frau Hoffner: And American spies for Russia.
    Mata Bond: Very democratic.
    Frau Hoffner: Very democratic.
    Mata Bond: Who is Le Chiffre?
    Polo: Nobody knows, not even Le Chiffre.
    Le Chiffre's Representative: Gentlemen, I'm here tonight on behalf of my client, Le Chiffre - of whom you all have heard - to offer by auction this unique collection of art treasures. Are there any specific bidding instructions?
    Russian Officer at Auction: Our instructions are that when we are sitting we are bidding. When we are stranding we are not bidding.
    USA Officer at Auction: We'll do our bidding sitting down. When we're standing up, we're not bidding.
    Chinese General: We stand, we bid. We no stand, we no bid.
    Le Chiffre's Representative: And, eh, the British representatives?
    British Officer at Auction: Well, I-I don't know, actually. Sort of, a bit of both, I suppose, really. Is that alright with you chaps?
    Cooper: [In a building that is about to explode] What's the strategy, sir?
    Sir James Bond: Get out of the bloody place before it blows up!
    Frau Hoffner: Come along, child. The auction is about to begin.
    Mata Bond: Auction?
    Frau Hoffner: Tonight we are selling one of the finest art collections in Europe.
    Mata Bond: Le Chiffre's collection?
    Frau Hoffner: Who?
    Mata Bond: Le Chiffre.
    Frau Hoffner: Who's Le Chiffre?
    Mata Bond: The man who owns the collection.
    Frau Hoffner: What collection?
    Mata Bond: The collection that's about to be auctioned.
    Frau Hoffner: Who said anything about an auction?
    Mata Bond: You did.
    Frau Hoffner: Who am I?
    Mata Bond: Frau Hoffner.
    Frau Hoffner: Never heard of her. You're insane, my child, quite insane.
    Mata Bond: I think she's right!
    Q's Assistant: ["Dressing left" and "dressing right" are terms used by tailors when fitting suit pants. To "dress left" means that a man keeps his male appendage shifted in the general direction of the left trouser leg; likewise for the right] What side do you dress on?
    Evelyn Tremble: Away from the window.
    Frau Hoffner: [Mata just arrived at International Mother's Help] Who are you? What do you want?
    Mata Bond: I'm here to enroll as a student.
    Frau Hoffner: What are you qualifications, hmmmm?
    Mata Bond: I am the daughter of Mata Hari.
    Polo: Mata Hari!
    Frau Hoffner: You are a liar.
    Mata Bond: Am I? What about this, then? [She takes off her coat to reveal a belly-dancing outfit]
    Polo: [Struggling up the stairs] My battery needs recharging.
    Mata Bond: Maybe your head needs examining.
    Polo: No, I had that examined last week.
    The Detainer: [Dr. Noah declares his desire for the Detainer, who is captive, nude, and strapped down] Do you treat ALL the girls you desire this way?
    Jimmy Bond/Dr. Noah: [Impatiently] Yes! Oh yes, I remove their clothing and tie them up, yes! I learned that in the Boy Scouts.
    Vesper Lynd: Haven't you read the papers today?
    Evelyn Tremble: I don't normally get them quite so early.
    Vesper Lynd: I get them before they're printed.
    Evelyn Tremble: Well, I suppose you can do anything if you have money.
    M: A veritable Eden, is it not, gentlemen?
    Le Grand: Eden without an Eve is an absurdity.
    Ransome: [Making introductions] Ransome, CIA, Sir James.
    Sir James Bond: Ju-Junior Cypher Cu-Cub, in my day, weren't you, Ransome?
    Ransome: Yes sir. J-C-C, Class G, S-I-C 2-S-C-C-T,CIA, Washington, DC.
    Ransome: But why, why at the height of his powers did Bond decide to retire?
    Le Grand: Mata Hari, my dear friend.
    Ransome: What's the connection?
    Le Grand: The woman in his life.
    Ransome: I don't get it?
    Le Grand: It was his painful duty to lure her across the Spanish frontier to France - where he stood her in front of a firing squad.
    M: He really loved - that woman.
    Sir James Bond: Good lord! Moneypenny, you haven't changed a bit. [Long Kiss]
    Miss Moneypenny: Actually, I'm Miss Moneypenny's daughter.
    Sir James Bond: How is your dear mother?
    Sir James Bond: Hadley, we're up against an opposition of fiendish ingenuity. They make incredible use of women.
    Hadley: Yes, they tend to, nowadays, sir.
    Sir James Bond: Female spies harassed me in Scotland. Female spies chased me to London. We need an A-F-S-D.
    Hadley: Sir?
    Sir James Bond: Anti-Female-Spy-Device. We find the one man all women want and we train him not to want women.
    Agent Mimi: Naught else, remains?
    Sir James Bond: Nothing to sp-speak of, I'm afraid. It was found in a tree, a hundred yards from where he stood. It took off, as it were, and flew like a bi-bird. But, whether it is an article of ap-apparel or an-an anatomical fea-feature? That is the question? Should it be given Christian bu-burial? Just how pe-personal is - a - toupee?
    Agent Mimi: [Making a pun of the word "heir-loom"] It can only be regarded as a "hair-loom."
    Miss Moneypenny: [Kissing on a bed] And what is your name?
    Cooper: Cooper, big eyes; but, don't be formal, call me Coop.
    Miss Moneypenny: It sounds like something for keeping birds.
    Cooper: That's me!
    Sir James Bond: From now on, all remaining agents and trainees will be known as James Bond 007, including the girls.
    Cooper: Won't that be rather confusing, sir?
    Sir James Bond: Exactly! The enemy won't know which way to turn. You are now, James Bond.
    Miss Moneypenny: Congratulations, 007.
    Cooper: And you, 007, sir.
    Sir James Bond: Good hunting, 007!
    Agent Mimi: Sleep, I've had none, for thinkin' on my dearie. All the long night I wake, grovelin' in grief. Comfort me, Jamie lad. Give me your bosom to weep on. Doodle me, Jamie.
    Sir James: [Surprisedly] Really, madame!
    Agent Mimi: I hereby claim my widow's due according to McTarry tradition. Let me be comforted. Doodle me!
    Sir James: A quaint custom, but one more honored in the breech, than in the observance.
    Agent Mimi: [Angrily] Then you'll have to pay the Piper!
    Sir James: The P-Piper?
    Agent Mimi: You heard me, you mim-mou'd ill-willie coof!
    Le Chiffre: I see everything that goes on at this table. Nothing escapes me.
    Evelyn Tremble: I'm quite sure it doesn't. But, you know, we mustn't forget, that... [begins speaking in an Indian accent] the beggar who is sitting in the market place, he is completely deaf, in so much as far as listening to the song that is coming from the mockingbird, is concerned.
    Le Chiffre: I'm sorry, Mr. Bond, I don't get the connection.
    Evelyn Tremble: Aw, you will. You will.
    Jimmy Bond/Dr. Noah: Think of it! A world free of poverty and pestilence and war. A world where all men are created equal. Where a man, no matter how short, can score with a top broad. Where each man; regardless of race, creed, color; gets free dental work. And a chance, of subscription buying, of all the good things in life.
    The Detainer: But, Noah, you are for all this?
    Jimmy Bond/Dr. Noah: No-no. I'm against all this.
    The Detainer: Oh, I love politics!
    Sir James Bond: Are there any ma-man in the house?
    Heather: Nane but the Pipers. M'Daddy only liked the lassies.
    Sir James Bond: Your-your Daddy really was a diff-different man in Whitehall.
    Buttercup: Your bath's ready, Sir James.
    Sir James Bond: Thank you.
    Buttercup: At the end of the passage.
    Sir James Bond: Very kind of you.
    Buttercup: Let us help you out o' your duddies.
    Sir James Bond: No, thank you. I can manage m-my...
    Buttercup: We always helped Daddy.
    Sir James Bond: How many of you are there? D- Daughters, I mean. in all.
    Buttercup: ?
    Sir James Bond: M- My word. And how do the ages run? Who is the... wow young is the youngest?
    Buttercup: 14.
    Sir James Bond: And the eldest?
    Heather: 20
    Sir James Bond: You mean there are only... 3? That's my loose kneecap. There are only three years between all three of you?
    Buttercup: Some of us are adopted daughters.
    Sir James Bond: I see.
    Buttercup: Steady.
    Sir James Bond: Are there any m-men in the house?
    Heather: Nane but the pipers. My daddy only liked the lassies.
    Sir James Bond: Your d- daddy really was a d- different man in Whitehall.
    Buttercup: I'm testing the temperature of the water as I always did for my daddy. He used to call me his little thermometer. Well? Get in.
    Sir James Bond: Get in?
    Buttercup: Get in!
    Sir James Bond: You're sure I'm not c-crowding you?
    Buttercup: Get in. Do you like your back scrubbed?
    Sir James Bond: Thank you. What is your n-name, my dear?
    Buttercup: Buttercup.
    Sir James Bond: How old are you?
    Buttercup: 17.
    Sir James Bond: Do you go to school?
    Buttercup: Daddy taught us. There. You're as sleek as a baby. Now, turn round.
    Sir James Bond: What form are you in?
    Buttercup: Can ye nae judge that for yourself, Sir James?
    Sir James Bond: What is your favourite subject?
    Buttercup: Anatomy. That's your mediastinum. That's your orbicularis oris. That's your Azygos vein. That's your articular cartilage, and those are your synovial membranes.
    Sir James Bond: Right, right.
    Buttercup: [Sitting in a bathtub with Sir James] Its getting gey cold!
    Sir James: Right.
    Buttercup: My Daddy liked it hotter!
    Sir James: I am not your Da - quite.
    Sir James Bond: I must say, this place brings back a few memories.
    Miss Moneypenny: Yes. Mother told me some of them.
    Sir James: [Opens liquor cabinet] She probably also told you that I'm partial to jasmine tea.
    Miss Moneypenny: [Writes it down] Jasmine tea, sir.
    Lorelei: [Kisses Cooper] Doesn't that do something to you, 007?
    Cooper: It does. But, I'm being trained to ignore it. Beauty's only skin deep.
    Lorelei: How 'bout some skin diving?
    Mata Bond: Oh! You want me to be a spy - like mum, huh? Well.
    Sir James Bond: Family tradition, my dear.
    Mata Bond: Do I get an exploding brief case and a secret transmitter?
    Sir James Bond: That won't be necessary.
    Mata Bond: Well, I have to have some equipment.
    Sir James Bond: Your mother wiped out three divisions of infantry and five brigades of calvary and, well, frankly, she had much less equipment than you have.
    Evelyn Tremble: Tell me, Miss Goodthighs, how much did you tip the porter to let you in here?
    Giovanna Goodthighs: I just showed him a little kindness.
    Evelyn Tremble: How much?
    Giovanna Goodthighs: Not too much. He's 83.
    Evelyn Tremble: Oh, it's a good year.
    Le Chiffre: It looks as though luck isn't on your side of the road tonight, old man.
    Evelyn Tremble: She has a habit of moving around.
    Sir James Bond: My dear, Miss Lynd.
    Vesper Lynd: Who are you, sir?
    Sir James Bond: I am Sir James Bond.
    Vesper Lynd: But, I thought you were retired, Sir James?
    Sir James Bond: The whole world believes that you were eaten by a shark, Miss Lynd.
    Vesper Lynd: That was no shark. That was my personal submarine. But enough of this polite conversation. What is the purpose of your visit?
    Sir James Bond: I desperately need your help.
    Vesper Lynd: [Evelyn is afraid of looking through a window] Don't worry, it's a two-way mirror. [A two-way mirror is a panel of glass that can be seen through from one side, but is a mirror on the other]
    Evelyn Tremble: Which way?
    Vesper Lynd: That way.
    Mata Bond: You know, if you weren't my dad I think I could fancy you.
    Sir James Bond: That's very good of you, my dear. Rather warm in here, don't you think?
    Mata Bond: Cool it, Charlie. So you want me to go to Berlin, huh?
    Sir James Bond: Now Mata, you remember the old house on the Felmannstrasse?
    Mata Bond: Yeah, where Mum had a dancing school.
    Sir James Bond: That has now become International Mother's Help. But that's just a cover for its real function. It is... Does he speak English?
    Mata Bond: Hey Charlie, you speak English?
    Charlie: No.
    Cooper: What's the strategy sir?
    Sir James Bond: Get out of the bloody place before it blows up.
    Cooper: [During a session in which Cooper is being trained to resist women] It goes against my nature, you know.
    The Detainer: I sense that, too. What are you doing after the exercise?
    Cooper: Having my head examined.
    Sir James Bond: Ah, this is where you come in Moneypenny. I want you to go through all the Auxiliary Files.
    Miss Moneypenny: The lot, sir? It'll take all night.
    Sir James Bond: Your mother did some of her best work at night.
    Sir James Bond: No one can be such a perverse idiot as to assault a Customs official. It must be deliberate.
    Miss Moneypenny: It may just be natural talent, sir.
    Giovanna Goodthighs: I'm Miss Goodthighs.
    Evelyn Tremble: I can see that. You've got your cork still in your bottle.
    Giovanna Goodthighs: So I have. What are you going to do about it?
    Buttercup: I'm testing the temperature of the water. As I always did for my Daddy. He used to call me his little thermometer. Well, get in!
    Sir James Bond: Get in?
    Buttercup: Get in!
    Sir James Bond: [Gets in the bathtub] You're sure I'm not crowding you?
    Buttercup: Get in! Ah, don't you want your back scrubbed?
    Sir James Bond: Thank you. What is your name, my dear?
    Buttercup: Buttercup.
    Sir James Bond: How old are you?
    Buttercup: Seventeen.
    Sir James Bond: Do you go to school?
    Buttercup: Daddy taught us.
    Sir James Bond: [Sitting in a bathtub with Sir James] What form are you in?
    Buttercup: You need judge that for yourself, Sir James.
    Sir James Bond: What is your favorite subject?
    Buttercup: Anatomy.
    Sir James Bond: My dear.
    Agent Mimi: One more request, the last. Think of me as the second woman in your life, the one after Mata Hari. Kiss me, Jamie. Kiss me, goodbye.
    Miss Moneypenny: Eh, wIll you be needing me tonight, sir?
    Sir James Bond: Very probably.
    Vesper Lynd: I do so like to feel comfortable with whatever I'm doing.
    Evelyn Tremble: Oh, yes, in deed. Yes. The more relaxed the muscles, the - better the synchronization between mind and body.
    Vesper Lynd: I should think you're frightfully synchronized, Mr. Tremble. Martini?
    Evelyn Tremble: What about them?
    Vesper Lynd: I was about to offer you one.
    Polo: You must forgive me, I lose control of myself. I'm a mad fool. Mad.
    Mata Bond: You want an argument?
    Polo: Remember, forget everything I tell you.
    Mata Bond: My lips are sealed.
    Polo: Lips! Those lips that...
    Mata Bond: Run. Run along, son.
    Evelyn Tremble: So, what can I do for you?
    Giovanna Goodthighs: The question should be what can I do for you?
    Evelyn Tremble: Good. You got any suggestions?
    Giovanna Goodthighs: Yes. For one. [Draws him close for a kiss]
    Giovanna Goodthighs: Tell me about yourself, James.
    Evelyn Tremble: Oh, well, I've had some pretty wild times in my life. Em, could you move over a bit. You're lying on my loose change.
    Giovanna Goodthighs: Mmm, James, I *need* you.
    Evelyn Tremble: Yes, yes, yes. Well, I can understand that, my dear. I can understand that.
    Giovanna Goodthighs: I want to know you better.
    Evelyn Tremble: You're absolutely right.
    Cashier: Thank you, Monsieur. Could we have the name please?
    Evelyn Tremble: Bond. James Bond.
    Cashier: James Bon - James Bond?
    Vesper Lynd: Yes. James Bond.
    Evelyn Tremble: Yes. James Bond.
    Cashier: I wonder if you'd be kind enough to sign my autograph book. It's not for me, you understand, it's, eh, my little sister.
    Sir James Bond: It's uncanny, quite uncanny. What memories it brings back: Paris, Berlin, Vienna. How madly we danced through the night. I was disguised as a Hungarian hussar...
    Mata Bond: [Puzzled] What are you going on about?
    Sir James Bond: You're the very image of your mother, and every bit as beautiful.
    Mata Bond: You knew my mum?
    Sir James Bond: I am Sir James Bond.
    Mata Bond: Daddy!
    Sir James Bond: My child!
    Agent Mimi: [Referring to a painting on the wall] To your right Sir James Bond, Lady Mary. Daughter of Douglas McTarry, raped by the Campbells in 1622. In retaliation of which Lord Douglas sent his only son, Hamish, out to rape twel' Campbell lasses.
    Sir James Bond: At-t-t the same time?
    Agent Mimi: Eldest first, of course. As prescribed by scripture. Youngest bore him triplets. Their union thus bounteously blessed a contract of marriage was entered into which brought the McTarrys Black Loch, Ben Tarn, the Shagsa Rock, Glenlocke and a good stretch of salmon water.
    Heather: I'm Heather.
    Meg: I'm Meg. Your bath is ready, Sir James.
    Sir James Bond: Thank you.
    Heather: At the end of the passage.
    Sir James Bond: Very kind of you.
    Heather: Let us help you out of your dirties.
    Sir James Bond: I think, I can manage.
    Meg: We always helped Daddy.
    Evelyn Tremble: Do you know me from somewhere?
    Vesper Lynd: Your book, "Tremble and Baccarat". I've studied it very closely - at night - in my bed.
    Evelyn Tremble: Is that where you study it?
    Sir James Bond: They seem to treat you like some kind of a goddess.
    Mata Bond: Well, I am the Celestial Virgin of the Sacred Altar.
    Sir James Bond: Figuratively speaking, of course.
    Mata Bond: Of course! Some tea?
    Sir James Bond: Ah, cup of tea, splendid.
    Mata Bond: Its made from poppy seeds. Two cups of this and you're stoned out of your mind!
    Ransome: A good spy is a pure spy.
    Le Grand: Not good, great! The greatest spy in history, gentlemen.
    M: The true - one and only - original - James Bond.
    Vesper Lynd: So nice of you to come.
    Evelyn Tremble: My pleasure.
    Vesper Lynd: Why don't you come down to me?
    Evelyn Tremble: Thank you very much. Lovely place you've got down there.
    Vesper Lynd: There are things I didn't understand too well in your book. Let me see, eh, was it in Chapter 7 or Chapter 6?
    Evelyn Tremble: Chapter 6, probably. Then, of course, it could have been, Chapter 7. Have you got the book or is it still in your bed?
    Vesper Lynd: I believe it is.
    Vesper Lynd: I went through a lot of trouble to bring you here.
    Sir James Bond: Dear Vesper, the things you do for money.
    Vesper Lynd: This time it's for love, Sir James.
    Sir James Bond: It is a training centre for what are commonly referred to as spies. You are eminently suited to infiltrate the organization. Two weeks' briefing in London and you're off to Berlin.
    Mata Bond: You want me to be a spy like Mum, huh?
    Sir James Bond: Well! Family tradition, my dear.
    Mata Bond: Do I get an exploding briefcase and a secret transmitter?
    Sir James Bond: That won't be necessary.
    Mata Bond: I have to have some equipment.
    Sir James Bond: Your mother wiped out three divisions of infantry and five of cavalry and... well, frankly, she had much less equipment than you have.
    M: If you have any problems, contact London immediately. Are there any questions?
    Mata Bond: Well, I have got one question. How do I get to Berlin?
    M: Oh, dear! Silly me. Taxi!
    Taxi Driver: Taxi!
    Mata Bond: Tally-ho!

## Cast

* Peter Sellers as Evelyn Tremble (James Bond/007)
* Ursula Andress as Vesper Lynd (007)
* David Niven as Sir James Bond
* Orson Welles as Le Chiffre
* Joanna Pettet as Mata Bond
* Daliah Lavi as The Detainer/007
* Woody Allen as Jimmy Bond/Dr. Noah
* Deborah Kerr as Agent Mimi/Lady Fiona
* William Holden as Ransome
* Charles Boyer as Le Grand
* John Huston as McTarry/M
* Kurt Kasznar as Smernov
* George Raft as George Raft
* Jean-Paul Belmondo as French Legionnaire
* Terence Cooper as Cooper (James Bond/007)
* Barbara Bouchet as Moneypenny
* Angela Scoular as Buttercup
* Gabriella Licudi as Eliza
* Tracey Crisp as Heather
* Elaine Taylor as Peg
* Jacqueline Bisset as Miss Goodthighs
* Alexandra Bastedo as Meg
* Anna Quayle as Frau Hoffner
* Derek Nimmo as Hadley
* Ronnie Corbett as Polo