# Jake and Amir

Jake and Amir (2007–2015) are a comedy duo that work for CollegeHumor. In mid-2007, the pair began uploading short improvisational skits online, eventually starting their own blog, Jake And Amir Dot Com. The characters of Jake and Amir are caricatures of their real-life personas, Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld.

## 2007
### June
#### Tattoo

    Amir: Mine is a bear. Okay?
    Jake: It's a bear? Where is it?
    Amir: I dunno. In the woods or something?

#### Practical Joke

    Amir: Why are you untying your shoes? That means the joke's over. That means our relationship is over.

#### Screen Name

    Jake: Honestly, if I [had] thought of a screen name that chill, I wouldn't have told anybody until I had already made it.
    Amir: Did you steal my chill screen name?
    Jake: I'm just trying to pimp out this chill pro' right now.

#### IQ Test

    Jake: I just got a text message. It's from you.
    Amir: (nods)
    Jake: "180".
    Amir: I dunno. Was it me?
    Jake: Yeah, it was. It says who texts you.
    Amir: Yeah, I mean, sometimes it says "Restricted".
    Jake: Yeah, sometimes if you press the right buttons, it says "Restricted".

#### Editing

    Amir: The joke is never "because 'blank' is gay". That's never the joke. It's not "because 'kite' is gay".
    Jake: It helps. It helps the joke.
    Amir: It's not even part of the joke.

### July
#### Ace

    Jake: I just made up the word "ace" because you always steal my words, and I wanted to see if you would do it. And you did.
    Amir: What?
    Jake: "Ace" isn't real. I just wanted to see if you would steal it.
    Amir: Wow, that's really un-ace of you. I mean, I thought we were gullies, man!
    Jake: Yeah, I made that one up, too.

#### iPhone

    Amir: Hey, what's your phone number? I'll put it in, and I'll divide it by two.
    Jake: 545-8992.
    Amir: Slow down.
    Jake: What is it? What does that say?
    Amir: It says "Error"... but I mean, I don't know which one is "divide" all the time.
    Jake: Why on earth would you get two?
    Amir: Because they wouldn't let me get three! Okay? I'm sorry. It's a store policy.
    Jake: I'm not saying two isn't enough. I'm saying two is too many.
    Amir: (nods)
    Jake: I mean, one is too many if you don't know how to use it.

#### Website Ideas

    Amir: "Facebook for College Students". So it's like a Facebook site but just for college kids.
    Jake: That one's not gonna work just because, uh, Facebook already has all the college students on it.
    Amir: Okay, if you don't like something, just say "next" 'cause it's a long list and I don't want to waste your time.
    Amir: This one's actually kind of cool. You step on your laptop, and it weighs you. It tells you how much you weigh, like a scale.
    Jake: Okay, so "next".
    Amir: "Scale.com".

## 2008
### Wingman

    Amir: Uh...oh! I totally forgot to tell you, he's so funny.
    Girl: Is he? I love funny guys.
    Amir: He's so nice and funny. Uh, today...no, it's stupid...
    Girl: No! Tell me, tell me. I wanna know. Yea.
    Amir: Today, we were looking at your Facebook profile on his computer, and he was humping the monitor and high-fiving people and cracking up. So funny.
    Girl: [sarcastic] Really? That sounds so funny.
    Amir: You think so?
    Girl: Yea.
    Amir: Oh, let me think of other jokes he did. Oh! He printed out your face super-big, and he cut a hole over the mouth and he and then he started humping it --
    Jake: [to Pat] She actually thinks I'm cute. She likes me.
    Amir: -- and then he cut a hole over the eye and he was humping that too! Going around the office like a cowboy still high-fiving people.
    Girl: That's awesome.
    Amir: Can you see, by the way?
    Girl: Yea. Why?
    Amir: He said he'd fuck you blind. It's so weird that you can still see. We should really go talk to him.
    Girl: Yea, we should! It'll be fun. Let's go! You want to?
    Amir: You want me to lead you there?
    Girl: Yea, let's go!
    Amir: Cuz you're blind.
    Girl: It'll be so much fun!
    Amir: [thumbs up to Jake] Uh, you know my friend, Jake, right?
    Girl: Yea, Jake. I can fuckin' see you, I'm not blind. [slaps Jake and leaves]
    Amir: Wow, that was awesome. My boy's gettin' Frenched tonight!

### Hallie Part IV and Ace and Jocelyn Episode 6

    Jake: Ace and Jocelyn, Ace and Jocelyn. From Space or whatever. Astronaut accountants. Nah nah nah.

## 2009
### March Madness Pt 2

    Amir: Um, I just got back from the doctor, and he said that I was very sick, actually.
    Jake: Really?
    Amir: Yea, he thinks I may have March MADNESS! FEVER! AND PNEUMONIA!
    Jake: What did you get on your SATs?
    Amir: Sixty.
    Amir: Is it too late to change my Final Four?
    Jake: Uh, no.
    Amir: Okay, good. I wanna make it a Final Six.
    Jake: Oh, it's too late to change the format of the tournament, though.
    Amir: Eh, Sheesh. When was that due?
    Amir: Portland State, no it's not. Cleveland State, no it's not. Utah State, no it's not.
    Jake: That one's a state.
    Amir: Uh, Florida State.
    Jake: Also a state.
    Amir: Sheesh. Okay, Oklahoma?
    Jake: Yep. Ooh, two for five. That sucks. You were- You started out strong, though.
    Amir: I know. I was lucky. I didn't know, I was just guessing.
    Jake: I know.
    Amir: I wanna watch my blanks, though! Blanks, for the wolf! For the epic wolf.

### Opinions

    Amir: [bad Australian accent] Ay, you're watching Jake and Amir, and we filmed this in Spain!
    Jake: Wow.
    Amir: Jake, I am about to say something that's gonna blow your mind. Gimme, like, ten minutes.
    Ten Minutes Later...
    Amir: Ekaj.
    Jake: My name backwards. Clever.
    Jake: I hate ice cream.
    Amir: It tastes like a mouth- It's like a mouth full of buttholes in my mouth. It tastes like acid.
    Jake: I think it's delicious.
    Amir: I think it tastes like delicious acid.
    Jake: It tastes like ass.
    Amir: Yea, it tastes like delicious ass is what I meant.
    Jake: But in a bad way.
    Amir: Yea, in a bad way.
    Amir: You are like a flippflopper and then I can't decide what I like because you are always all over the place.
    Amir: When I steal yours, it makes us better friends because we have the same opinions. I mean, what don't you get?!
    Jake: I don't get why you're being so honest about it.
    Amir: Oh my god, okay, let me formulate my own opinions, right? And then, maybe, if they match, we can possibly be best fr- I MEAN, JUST LISTEN TO MYSELF, IT SOUNDS CRAZY!
    Jake: I hate nuggets.
    Amir: Don't.

### VideoGames

    Amir: Oh, by the way, did you see what Jake was wearing today?
    Sam: Uh...wasn't he wearing a cardigan?
    Amir: Uh, I don't know what that is, but he was wearing a sweater with buttons that went down.
    Sam: I don't know what a cardigan is either.
    Amir: So why'd you say it?
    Sam: I was making an educated guess.
    Amir: Well, stop being an educated guest, and start...being...a... So.
    Amir: My parents can drop us off if your parents can pick us up.
    Sam: My parents are not how you say, "alive."
    Amir(Laughing): Oh yeah! I forgot!
    Sam(High-Pitched Voice): They died in a plane crash!
    Amir(High-Pitched Voice): They died in a plane crash!
    Sam(HPV): They died in a plane crash!
    Amir(Normal): They died in a plane crash.
    Sam(Normal): When I was four.
    Amir: You know what sucks?
    Sam(HPV): Think about my parents all the time?
    Sam: Remember that Jake-themed birthday party I threw for you on my birthday?

### Master Cleanse

    Amir: Hi, you're watching Jake and Quincy.
    Jake: That's half right.
    Amir: I'm Jake.
    Jake: So, totally wrong.

### Brother

    Jake: Put your dick away, man!
    Amir: Okay, it was away. It was in a box.

## External links

* JakeAndAmir.com
* Jake and Amir's Facebook Fan Page
* Amir's Twitter
* Blumenwitz - Facebook Fan Group