# Mystery, Alaska

Mystery, Alaska is a 1999 comedy-drama film directed by Jay Roach and starring Russell Crowe, Hank Azaria, Mary McCormick, Lolita Davidovich, Ron Eldard, Colm Meany, Maury Chaykin and Burt Reynolds about a fictional small-town ice hockey team that plays a game against the New York Rangers of the National Hockey League.

## Judge Walter Burns

* Mr. Pruitt, I don't want to hear about Price World, and I don't want to hear another word about a hockey game. We talked about that.

## Bailey

* Forgive me, your honor. I'm fat.
* Big doings we got here in Mystery. Price World wants to come here, and now the New York Rangers want to come.

## Dialogue

    Matt: I play hockey and I fornicate, because those are the two most fun things to do in cold weather.
    Donnie: This is hockey, okay? It's not rocket surgery.
    Sarah: Mother walrus going "Thwap, thwap, thwap"?
    Matt: What?
    Sarah: You want to hear a "Thwap"?
    [Heinz hits Skank with a shovel]
    [Mr. Walsh is shot]
    John: You okay?
    Mr. Walsh: No, I'm not okay! Do I look okay? The fucker shot me! What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole town is this? I make a business call. I give him my card. And the hick-ass fucker shoots my foot off! Cock-fucking shit!
    Janice: It's a Rockwellian Christmas up here. Skating. Barbecues. Snow. We're here with defenseman Matt Marden, and... cut!
    Charles: What?
    Janice: I can't feel my fingers.
    Matt: You need to rub them on a nice, warm Yuletide log.
    Janice: I beg your pardon?
    Matt: Look, Christmas is a lonely day for a guy to be choking his own chicken. And as women reporters go, I find you supple.
    Janice: Oh, that was lovely. It's a shame we weren't rolling for that.
    Charles: I'm sure he'd be happy to repeat it.
    Matt: [laughing] You need to relax!
    Janice: Charles!
    Matt: Do you like massages?
    [Skank leans over, bursting into laughter again]
    Donnie: Hey, you know where a guy can get a rub and a tug around here?
    John Bebe: Women don't like being referred to as fat mammals, Skank.
    Matt Marden: I never would've said that to her face!
    Reporter: Did you see your daddy out there?
    Joey: I have a toy pony, he takes big shits.
    Bailey: [questioning a witness in court] You don't like our little town very much. Do you, Mr. Walsh?
    Mr. Walsh: I have nothing against your town, Mr. Pruitt.
    Bailey: Did you say, "What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole town is this?"
    [John is jealous after seeing his wife and Charles Danner laughing together in the stands, while John was busy trying to coach the team. Donna doesn't understand why he's upset]
    Donna: John?
    John: You've been smiling a lot lately.
    Donna: [smiling, still puzzled] Excuse me?
    John: Ever since he came back, Charlie. You been smiling a little more.
    Donna: [finally understanding] John, that was high school.
    [he walks a few steps, kicking the snow to reveal the frozen pond below. Then he kicks at the ice again and speaks metaphorically]
    John: This is not a pond!
    Scott: And we're getting a Zamboni, Donna.
    Donna: A Zamboni? Wow, I'm getting wet just thinking about it.
    Scott: Jesus Christ!
    [walks away]
    Donna: Every ex-player turned coach says that they prefer coaching over playing. Why would they all say that?
    John: Because they can't play.
    Walter: Hi, what's wrong.
    Joanne: Uh, Walter, get out. This is private.
    Walter: I'm entitled to know what's going on under this roof. After all, I am the father of this child...
    Joanne: Walter, if you don't leave, I *swear* I'll tell you.
    Walter: [pause] Right.
    [leaves]

## Taglines

* A Small Town on the Outskirts of Greatness.

## Cast

* Russell Crowe - Sheriff John Biebe
* Hank Azaria - Charles Danner
* Mary McCormack - Donna Biebe
* Burt Reynolds - Judge Walter Burns
* Colm Meaney - Mayor Scott R. Pitcher
* Lolita Davidovich - Mary Jane Pitcher
* Maury Chaykin - Bailey Pruitt
* Ron Eldard - Matt "Skank" Marden
* Michael Buie - Connor Banks
* Ryan Northcott - Stevie Weeks
* Beth Littleford - Janice Pettiboe
* Kevin Durand - "Tree" Lane
* Scott Grimes - Brian "Birdie" Burns
* Jason Gray-Stanford - Bobby Michan
* Adam Beach - Galin Winetka
* Leroy Peltier - Ben Winetka
* Cameron Bancroft – "Tinker" Connolly
* Michael McKean - Mr. Walsh
* Rachel Wilson - Marla Burns
* Megyn Price - Sarah Heinz
* Judith Ivey - Mrs. Joanne Burns
* Terry David Mulligan – Dr. Henry Savage
* Mike Myers - Donnie Shulzhoffer
* Jim Fox - himself
* Phil Esposito - himself
* Little Richard - himself
* L. Scott Caldwell – Judge McGibbons
* Steve Levy - himself
* Barry Melrose - himself

## External links

* Mystery, Alaska quotes at the Internet Movie Database