# Little Mosque on the Prairie

Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007 - 2012) is a Canadian sitcom centering around the Muslim community of a small Saskatchewan town.

## Season 1
### Little Mosque

    Baber: The enemy is in your kitchen.
    Rayyan: And maybe while the enemy's in there he could do the dishes.
    Amaar: [on phone] Mom, stop it with the guilt. No, don't put dad on! I've been planning this for months it's not like I dropped a bomb on 'im. Oh dad thinks it's suicide? So be it; this is Allah's plan for me.
    Woman: Oh my …
    Amaar: I'm not throwing my life away, I'm moving to the Prairies!
    Mayor Popowicz: Sarah, you're supposed to spin the news, not be the news!
    Mayor Popowicz: I can work with the truth.
    Sarah and Popowicz: But only as a last resort.
    Yasser: Yes, this is a good one: "Reverend, I would like to run a mosque out of your parish hall. Would you like to tell Jesus or should I?"
    Amaar: How am I supposed to prepare for Ramadan when the whole town's in an uproar. What were you people thinking?
    Fatima: This is that convert Sarah's fault. Tell me: aren't goats more traditional than cucumbers?
    Amaar: You've lost me.
    Amaar: Can't a Muslim book a one-way flight these days without someone having to call their supervisor?
    Rayyan: I thought you'd drag us into the modern world. Or at least the 11th century.
    Amaar: Yes, so did I. That's why I gave up being a lawyer
    Rayyan: Oh. And there I thought you just sucked at that too.
    Amaar: You can't just sue people for no reason. Well, all right, you can but I'm not doing that anymore!
    Reverend Magee: It may have been God who said "Let there be light!" but it's me who pays the electric bill.

### The Barrier

    Baber: I got a deal from the old rink. From what I hear, nothing separates men and women like Hockey Night in Canada!
    Rayyan: Three seconds of male enlightenment. That's a new record.
    Fred Tupper: Would it kill you Muslim girls to show a bit more... uh.. cleavage? Now and then.
    Fatima: Would it kill you if I hit you with a cleaver?
    Baber: You look like a Protestant!
    Layla: Don't you mean "prostitute"?
    Baber: No. I mean "Protestant".
    Rayyan: Okay. I have to get to the clinic. But once I'm gone, just imagine that after everything mom says, I am saying "That's right!".
    Sarah: Fred Tupper standing up for oppressed women?
    Mayor Popowicz: I think he's standing up for oppressed boobs.
    Fatima: I don't want a bunch of men leering at me while I pray.
    Baber: And I don't want you women distracted by my bottom.
    Sarah: Trust me Baber, no one is looking at your bottom.
    Baber: Western school system! Filling their head with... thinking!
    Reverend Magee: John 8:7: "He among you who has never sinned, cast the first stone" or in this case "he among you who has not got stoned, cast the first sin".
    Amaar: So you didn't fire him.
    Reverend Magee: Not until I ate a couple of his hash brownies at the choir picnic.
    Rayyan: [sitting on the barrier to keep Baber from setting it back up] You're not supposed to touch me.
    Baber: Please, forgive me, sister Rayyan. I totally forgot myself.
    Rayyan: Of course.
    Baber: It'll never happen again
    Rayyan: Good
    Baber: Gimme that piece of wood so I can push her off!
    Amaar: The perfect Muslim solution... Nobody's happy.

### The Open House

    Mayor Popowicz: Ah! It's not gonna be one of those multi-culty snoozefests with lying speeches and bad skits, is it? No offense.
    Amaar: I'll cancel the camel ride.
    Mayor Popowicz: [perking up] Camel ride?
    Yasser: "Only use the best", that's my motto!
    Client: I thought your motto was "we build cheap"?
    Fatima: People are afraid of things they don't understand.
    Rayyan: That's true. That's why I'm afraid of Baber.
    Fatima: [about Islam in Africa] Yes. From an African perspective. You usually only hear the missionary position.
    Amaar: Baber, please don't talk about things you don't understand.
    Rayyan: Then he'd never say anything.
    Baber: If I don't get to talk, I'm out! I knew this was a bad idea.
    Fatima: I'm with Baber! We're... What's the word?
    Baber: Boycotting!
    Fatima: I was gonna say "pissed off", but... Yes! We're boycotting!
    Baber: It's "minbar", not "mini-bar".
    Rayyan: Muslims do date.
    Sarah: [butts in] You call that dating? It's more like a job interview.
    Rayyan: Mom, no. It's more like window shopping. See, you don't need to taste the cake to know that it's gonna be delicious.
    Sarah: [interrupts again] Of course you do! The cake could look good and still be crummy. Or it may be a fruitcake and you know how we all feel about fruitcake...
    Rayyan: Mom! Step away from the metaphor.
    Fred Tupper: I hate to say "I told you so, people of Mercy!"... But I told you so, people of Mercy!
    Reverend Magee: Be a man...grovel!

### Swimming Upstream

    Fred: [leaving] Radio show is on in 15...
    Fatima: Oh, thanks for reminding me. [turns off the radio]
    Fred: Nice try Fatima, but you can't silence the voice of the people that easily.
    Fatima: I disagree. Shut. Up. See?
    Rayyan: Looks like a nasty sprain.
    Fatima: You don't have to dumb it down for me. I came for your medical opinion.
    Rayyan: You vitiated your anterior cruciate ligament.
    Fatima: Oh no... What does that mean?
    Rayyan: Looks like a nasty sprain.
    Fatima: Who's going to cook for my customers? You?
    Rayyan: Not unless you've got really good insurance
    Sarah: A small explosion at the mosque, what's the big deal? [pause] Okay when you say it out loud...
    Amaar: You did see the "Do not disturb" sign on the door?
    Baber: Oh yes. I will make sure nobody disturbs you.
    Rayyan: But we're so close...
    Mayor Popowicz: Close only counts at horseshoes. Do Muslim play horseshoes? I find these little cultural differences so interesting.
    Rayyan: Can we focus please?
    Fatima: It's only Halloween. It's not like they're out drinking and dirty dancing!
    Fatima's son: We're not?
    Fatima: Watch your smart mouth or you go nowhere!
    Baber: What if he leaves Islam to become a witch?
    Fatima's son: You can do that?
    Baber: My daughter does not [want to go]! She's a good Muslim!
    Layla: No I'm not! I swear!
    Kid: [to Baber] Sweet Osama costume. The beard looks totally real, dude.
    Sarah: Honey, I didn't sabotage the petition. I mean, I didn't mean to sabotage the petition... I mean... [to Yasser] Okay, did I sabotage the petition?
    Rayyan: You know you did. You undermined me so that you could go on a trip. That's evil.
    Sarah: Oh my God... That's exactly what I did... But it was sleazy, not evil!
    Sarah: I was selfish and horrible.
    Rayyan: Yes, you were, but so was I.
    Sarah: Ah!
    Rayyan: Although much less so
    Yasser: You two are exactly alike.
    Rayyan and Sarah: [simultaneously] No we're not!

### The Convert

    Amaar: What was your favorite part [of the sermon]?
    Yasser: The end.
    Baber: Isn't that wonderful? A convert!
    Sarah: Hello! I'm right here! I'm a convert too!
    Baber: Yes but he's serious!
    Rayyan: [to Sarah] I'll pick you a copy of Islam for Dummies on my way home.
    Baber: The boy is Fatima's; the female is mine.
    Layla: The female?
    Marlon: So, you two are... divorced?
    Fatima: Oh no no. My husband passed on. Baber's wife passed on Baber.
    Baber: [Loudly] How Joyful! At this rate we'll convert every white people in town to Islam!
    Amaar: Indoor voice, Baber.
    Sarah: I'm sorry Anne. I was just praying.
    Mayor Popowicz: Wow. You and Yasser must have been extra naughty this weekend.
    Sarah: No it's not that. Although there was this one thing were he was a TV repairman and I was dressed as a... I'm sorry. What were we talking about?
    Amaar: Any bit of advice on dampening religious enthusiasm?
    Reverend Magee: Join the clergy.
    Fatima: It's from the kosher butcher.
    Marlon: You should stop patronizing Jewish businesses.
    Fatima: And you should stop patronizing me.
    Yasser: Amaar, do you have a minute? I need your help.
    Amaar: I'm not holding down another nail for you. My thumb is still throbbing.
    Yasser: There must be some rule in the Qur'an against praying too much.
    Amaar: Let me get this straight: you're asking a spiritual leader to help someone stop praying?
    Amaar: I'm not the Pope, though I'd love a big hat like that.
    Baber: Yasser, I have got it! What if we move the Mosque and simply don't tell him?
    Yasser: Put it on wheels, move it around town?
    Amaar: Religion would be so much easier without the followers.
    Reverend Magee: I've seen it before. Spiritual shopping. I blame the Beatles.

### Mother in Law

    Mother Hamoudi: Oh, thank you for asking... [deadpan] Don't ask.
    Johnny: We've [A gay couple] even written our vows in rhyming couplets. What do you think? "I promise to honour but not obey, except on leather fetish day."
    Joe: Whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage?
    Reverend Magee: Sanctity? You've been divorced three times!
    Fatima: Another muffin?
    Reverend Magee: I'd never forgive myself... but Jesus will. Bring it on.
    Mother Hamoudi: Samira would cook for you. Her couscous is heavenly, tastes like angel droppings.
    Yasser: Mmmm... my favourite type of droppings.
    Rayyan: [ausculting Mother Hamoudi] You're fine! We could fox-trot to the beat of your heart! [pause] I have been watching way too much Dancing with the Stars lately.
    Baber: Don't make us give you your notice.
    Amaar: Baber, you're forgetting: we're the tenants, he's the landlord.
    Yasser: I told her [he would not marry Samira]... And then she had a mild heart attack.
    Sarah: Then tell her again and finish the job!
    Mayor Popowicz: How long are you going to sleep in my office?
    Sarah: Until Yasser stand up to his mother.
    Mayor Popowicz: Good thing I'm running for a third term.
    Joe: I heard you were planning a demonstration on Sunday.
    Baber: Yes. Against the abomination.
    Joe: Oh. I thought it was...
    Baber: Yes, against gay marriage. I just... like to say "abomination"!
    Yasser: Are you sorry you doubted me?
    Sarah: No, sometimes I'm sorry I married you.

### Playing with Fire

    Jeff: [a firefighter] You save lives too.
    Rayyan: True. But you make house calls.
    Baber: As Allah is my witness, I have no imagination! None!
    Yasser: What kind of normal person has any interest in Islam?
    Rayyan: You mean besides us Muslims, dad?
    Amaar: So you're saying... They were actually... Holding hands?
    Baber: I wasn't saying it. I was yelling it!
    Baber: Layla must be protected from the influence of this... Pop tart!
    Rayyan: That's because there's nothing wrong with you!
    Jeff: I know. I just wanted to see you again.
    Rayyan: Okay, there is something wrong with you.
    Layla: My father is sending me to an islamic school to become an islamobot!
    Fatima: You're an impossible man!
    Baber: I am entirely possible!
    Amaar: A man is not allowed to touch a Muslim woman unless he is her brother, her father or her husband.
    Jeff: Not even if she needs mouth-to-mouth?
    Amaar: You keep your mouth away from her.
    Jeff: She'd be unconscious.
    Amaar: You'd kiss an unconscious woman?!
    Jeff: I don't mean to be culturally insensitive here but... What the hell?
    Sarah: Don't ruin this for Rayyan.
    Yasser: I'm her father. It's my job to ruin it for her.
    Jeff: I don't mind being used. I'm user-friendly.
    Amaar: I'm sorry I care so much.
    Rayyan: That's not an apology.
    Amaar: I'm sorry you lost your way.
    Rayyan: You shoudn't be making bad excuses!
    Amaar: I'm sorry, nothing I ever say seems to work!
    Rayyan: Oh, well, that's obvious.
    Amaar: I am sorry I'm here!
    Rayyan: Oh, well, now we're getting somewhere. And I am sorry that you're here too.

### The Archdeacon Cometh

    Reverend Magee: Christianity hasn't lasted two thousand years by being charitable.
    Amaar: You can't pretend to be Christian.
    Reverend Magee: Actually you can. Half my congregation does.
    Fred: I wouldn't waste a braincell trying to find out.
    Fatima: Yes. I'd imagine you are in short supply.
    Sarah: I don't remember much about growing up Anglican but I must've been there.
    Sarah: Don't we have a New Testament hanging around somewhere around here?
    Yasser: New Testament?
    Sarah: Yeah or an Old Testament?
    Yasser: If we had a new testament surely I would have thrown the old one.
    Fatima: It will help your back, and your colon.
    Fred: What's wrong with my colon?
    Fatima: You're full of crap.
    Yasser: My seat smells. Is that why they call it a "pew"?
    Reverend Magee: [Explaining how the Muslims can't pass off as Anglicans] And the way they all stood up, with such vigor! No, no, no, no, no! [He demonstrates] The older... congregants jump right up, as though we just opened up the buffet. And then, some of them lag behind because they're stone-deaf. And then there's always the ones who just draaaaag themselves up like teenagers who've been asked to do the dishes. Now, let's try it again, let's get this perfectly wrong...
    [Fred is covered in warts]
    Fatima: What is wrong with you?
    Fred: Well, I've managed to narrow it down to a couple of possibilities: African killer bees, or a killer African!
    Yasser: When is Easter?
    Sarah: April.
    Yasser: That's when Baby Jesus sees his own shadow, right?
    [Fatima just pulled Fred's back into place]
    Fred: Fatima sweetheart? That lotion crap you gave me for my back was only to soften me up so you could fix me, right?
    Fatima: No. I wanted to see you suffer a little bit longer.

## Season 2
### Grave Concern

    Rayyan: I don't just fix wrists; I can break them too, you know!
    Rayyan: Well, it's not about winning.
    Sarah: So what's it about?
    Rayyan: It's about the principle of the thing.
    Sarah: No, really, what's it about? I have no clue what you're talking about.
    Fatima: A Muslim likes to be buried with other Muslims. On his right side.
    Fred: What, is it better for your back?
    Baber: I want to be buried with other Muslims, on my side, facing Mecca, and I want it now!
    Amaar: You sure you don't want to wait till you're dead? It's less claustrophobic.
    Sarah: [making community announcements] There's an Interfaith Council meeting... Ah, who cares about that?
    Fatima: what is that? Over there?
    Baber: Mecca.
    Fatima: No, you ignorant man. Between us and Mecca.
    Baber: [reading the sign] Belt Buckle z?
    Fatima: I do not want to spend eternity looking at a saloon.
    Baber: You idiot. You.... ruined my death.
    Yasser: [Trying to sell a cemetery plot] What do I need to do to put you in a grave today?
    Sarah: [making announcements again] And then when I was twelve we got a turtle...
    Baber: We do not want to spend eternity watching a bunch of cowboys drinking.
    Patron: Yeah, well, maybe us cowboys don't want to drink while being watched by a bunch of dead Muslims.
    Amaar: You're ignoring the larger issue: this makes me look bad.

### Public Access

    Baber: Best outreach event ever, Amaar.
    Amaar: We didn't get any visitors.
    Baber: That's exactly my point!
    Layla: No one ever says they hate me like that.
    Baber: You can't talk by yourself for an entire hour and expect people to listen!
    Amaar: That's no different than what I do here at the Mosque.
    Baber: Ah, you said it, not me!
    Baber: How will anyone know that you're finally embracing your modesty unless we show you off, uh?
    Amaar: Nobody's spinning any schnauzer.
    Fatima: I think it's a lovely hijab, Layla. You look like a big, grown... [Baber leaves the room] What is going on here?
    Yasser: that is why I will build you a new one for nothing.
    Amaar: "Nothing" nothing or "Yasser" nothing?
    Yasser: It's a work-in-progress.
    Amaar: But you said "Consider it done".
    Yasser: Which you're not doing.
    Baber: Today at school, she kept waiting for me to leave.
    Fatima: I am always waiting for you to leave.
    Baber: What is she hiding under there? Is it, huh, pierced ears? A hickey? A hickey piercing!
    Baber: It is my duty to do something stupid!
    Baber: Is there something that you've been keeping from your classmates?
    Layla: Yes! You!
    Layla: A lot of girls in our class have bellybuttons.

### Ban the Burka

    [about a woman with a niqab]
    Amaar: She's a Muslim who's come here to pray. Outside chance, she's a ninja.
    Yasser: What did you and your wife talk about?
    Baber: uhh... Our divorce?
    Yasser: Before that?
    Baber: We... had this fight about my toenails... I-It's not important!
    Fred: You always think people are trying to hypnotize you. Remember last year at the talent contest?
    Joe: Yeah, but that guy was a hypnotist!
    Fred: Ventriloquist!
    Joe: Yeah but the dummy... those eyes...
    Mayor Popowicz: What is he talking about? Is there a beheading issue? [...] Sara cares very much about her Muslim sisters. I've never seen you interacting with them, but I'm sure you care on some level.
    Fred: Well here's my idea: first thing we need is an angry mob...
    Sarah: Found it!
    Fred: I knew there had to be a law against burkas!
    Sarah: No, a law against marigolds.
    Fred: Is that some kind of weird Muslim thing?
    Sarah: No, the flower. I hate marigolds. In 1927 they banned them on Main Street.
    Fred: [stares]
    Sarah: I'll keep looking
    Yasser: I have to leave my daughter's in jail.
    Baber: If you don't want to help me just say so!
    Joe: Even now she could be in control of my mind.
    Fatima: Nobody is in control of your mind.
    Yasser: Ladies, please! Let's not turn this prison visit into something unpleasant.
    Baber: I don't know the first thing to say to her! Or the second, or the fourth!
    Yasser: You missed out the third.
    Baber: I know the third. "My name is Baber, sister. What is yours?"
    Joe: [in the holding cell] Boy this place looks bigger when you're sober.
    Reverend Magee: Earlier I may have ransacked your office but I'm very disappointed in you.

### Rival Imam

    Mayor: Is the mosque building a hydrogen bomb?
    Sarah: No, of course not!
    Mayor: I don't understand, what other kind of bomb uses that much water?
    Sarah: They are not building a bomb. It's probably just the wudu.
    Mayor: Oh, where you sacrifice a chicken and everybody dances around.
    Sarah: No, that is voodoo. This is wudu, it's a washing ritual. Befor we pray, Muslims have to wash each body part three times.
    Mayor: It's like your entire religion is based on obsessive compulsive disorder.
    Sarah: Well, Christians have holy water.
    Mayor: Yes, but we don't go spraying it around all over the place, unless there's a vampire camp.
    Baber: Finally a real Imam with a beard!
    Amaar: Everybody reads from the same Qur'an.
    Baber: Yes, but his is not the pocket book edition.
    Rayyan: We have got the whole system on a timer so that we're not wasting power in the middle of the night.
    Ali: So what powers the timer?

### Spy Something or Get Out

    Nancy: Some of my best friends are Muslims.
    Fatima: Who?
    Nancy: Er... Faruq... Abdul... Halal... I really don't have any Muslim friends.
    Nancy: I was hoping to get some pie.
    Fatima: We all hope for a lot of things.
    Amaar: Seeing is believing.
    Nancy: Yes, but believing is also believing and it's a lot faster.