# The Master of Disguise

The Master of Disguise is a 2002 adventure comedy film starring Dana Carvey, James Brolin, Brent Spiner, Jennifer Esposito, and Harold Gould.

## Pistachio

* [chanting] I'm going to be a Master of Disguise!
* [to Jennifer during an interview] Can you resist me?
* Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club?
* [repeated line] That's crazy. So crazy it just might work.
* [repeated line] This is what you're doing, this is what I want you to do. Any questions?
* I do for you now a scene from the hit motion picture Shrek. You ready? Okay. "Why don't you get away from me, Donkey?" "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, get away from you? I'm makin' waffles!"

## Grandpa

* [offscreen] Fabbrizio, it is time your son is told of his destiny.
* Now I can teach you to become a Master of Disguise.
* [during an interview] Assistants commonly fall in love with their Disguisey Masters. Can you resist Pistachio?
* Pistachio, it is demoralizing to your opponent to repeat the phrase: "Who's your daddy?".

## Jennifer

* All I'm saying is I dated a guy who used to smoke these. This is a handmade cigar from the Turtle Club.
* [referring to Pistachio] Leave him alone, you bully!

## Fabbrizio

* This is no life for my son. I will never tell him of his true destiny. [echoes]
* Listen, you! You have a problem with my son, you have a problem with me! You and you, GET OUT!

## Devlin Bowman

* Did you just tell me to shut up?
* Oh, by the way, Steve, your wife called. [Steve: Oh, that's great. Thank you, sir.] Sure. YOU'RE NOT MARRIED! [rips off mask]

## Others

* Mama: No more caramel corn for me.
* Sophia: Thank you for saving me from that horrible person.
* Rex: Hey moron, use a tray next time. That's too many plates.
* Barney: [to the Cuteness] How come I can't do it and you can?
* Trent: Lay off my lady, you freak!
* Slapping Dummy Man: [repeated line] I'll get you, Pistachio!
* The Cuteness: No more dog food.

## Dialogue

    Trent: What kind of crap are you putting into his head?
    Pistachio Disguisey: Uh, the niceness?
    Trent: "Niceness?" What are you, his dad? You are trying to horn in in my action, aren't cha?
    Pistachio: [imitates Trent] You are trying to horn in in my action, aren't cha?
    Trent: [looks away and back] What?
    Pistachio: [imitates Trent] What?
    Trent: Are you mocking me?
    Pistachio: [imitates Trent] Are you mocking me?
    Grandfather Disguisey: Who are you now?
    Pistachio: The question is not who I am, the question is who are you? I know who I am. I'm Prince Lali Jhamba from the Ringy Dingy Heights, near Bombay, Calcutta and New Delhi, India. India. India.
    Grandfather: [claps] It is time to test that. [opens basket]
    Pistachio: What is it? [a snake emerges from basket] That is a big reptile. Not a problem. [plays smooth jazz music] Oh, yes. He wouldn't hurt anybody now. I'm going to call him Buttercup! So cute, eh?
    Grandpa: [laughs while Pistachio tickles the snake] Energico! God help me, I love it! A complete transformation!
    Pistachio: [dangling cheese above the snake] You like the cheese. Go get the cheese, Buttercup. You know you love it.
    Grandpa: Did you ask Jeeves?
    Pistachio: Yes, but no such luck.
    Grandpa: When you were on the roof, did you hear something that sounded like this? [slaps Pistachio]
    Pistachio: Yes exactly that! But without the pain on my face. We have a clue!
    Pistachio: Can I help you?
    Grandpa: I have come to help you, Pistachio.
    Pistachio: Help me what?
    Grandpa: Find your mother and your father, my son.
    Pistachio: My father, your son. Holy cannoli! You are my sister!
    Sophia: Look, Pistachios, the silly voices, the making faces, it was fun for like one second, okay?
    Pistachio: Only one second?
    Sophia: I never wanted to go out with you! I'm in love with Rex, okay?
    Grandpa: [walks outside after hearing crash] Hey, you're too young for this job. Do yourself a favor. Go home and tell your mommy to change your diaper. Get out!
    Barney Baker: I don't wear a diaper.
    Grandpa: [laughs] Hey Pistachio! You gotta see this! There's a talking baby out here!
    Pistachio: I want to see the talking baby. Coochy-coochy-coo! [pause] Brave Barney Baker, nice to see you again!
    Grandpa: You know this baby?
    Pistachio: Yes, of course!
    Barney: I was potty-trained when I was 2.
    Pistachio: Of course, you are the conductor of the potty train!
    Texas Man: Am I going too fast for you?
    Pistachio: [mocking Texas man] Am I going too fast for you?
    Texas Wife: Are you mocking my husband?
    Pistachio: [mocking Texas wife] Are you mocking my husband?
    Texas Wife: 'Cause you better not be!
    Pistachio: [mocking Texas wife] 'Cause you better not be!
    Jennifer: I wanna get something off my chest. Today, when-when I saw you dressed up like the crazy hairy guy, at that moment, I really thought you were this-this-this pathetic, insane, absurd, spastic little man. And now I believe that you can do anything.
    Pistachio: Ah! That's very nice but not exactly true, I... I can't turn mud into oatmeal, for example. I can't build a spaceship that will travel to Pluto...
    Jennifer: No, but...you can find a way to rescue your mama and your papa.
    Pistachio: Yes. Yes, I believe now too.
    Pistachio: [as "Gammy Num-Num"] Appraise this! [slams "Nest in a Box on counter]
    Jennifer: [whispering] What are you doing? That's the Nest in a Box.
    Art Dealer: It appears to be of Tuscan design. I would say early 12th Century.
    Pistachio: I knew it was old, you fool! Let me appraise you; you're an idiot. A complete and total idiot! How does it feel?
    Devlin Bowman: Did it ever occur to you that this cherry pie thing was Fabbrizio's son?! [no response, he takes a deep breath] No matter. Oh, by the way, Steve, your wife called.
    Pistachio: [as "Steve"] Oh, that's great. Thank you. sir.
    Devlin: Sure. [turns around and back furiously] YOU'RE NOT MARRIED! [rips off mask to reveal Pistachio]
    Grandpa: Behold, your father's nest.
    Pistachio: Heavens to Betsy.
    Grandpa: Yes. I knew he would keep one just in case.
    Pistachio: Yes, just in case.
    Grandpa: Now I can teach you to become a Mater of Disguise.
    Pistachio: Really? I-I'm going to be a Master of Disguise? [starts chanting] I'm going to be a Master of Disguise! I'm going to be a Master of Disguise! I'm going to be a Master of Disguise...
    Grandpa: ENOUGH! [slaps him] Your mother and father are in grave danger. Your training begins...now!
    Pistachio: Goodnight, my love cake.
    Jennifer: "Love cake"?
    Pistachio: What?
    Jennifer: You said "love cake".
    Pistachio: But why would I call you that? Your hindquarters are hideously scrawny.
    Jennifer: What?
    Pistachio: What I was trying to say is that, uh, I have a present for Barney. [hands her knee pads] Will you give these to him from his dad... da da da dat Italian guy... Me.
    Devlin: I still have the greatest anti-Disguisey weapon of all. [snaps his fingers, the Big Bottom Girls appear]
    Pistachio: There's a dark side, exactly like Star Wars?
    [the Big Bottom Girls blast dark Energico at Pistachio]
    Jennifer: What's going on?
    Grandpa: Pistachio's in grave danger.
    Jennifer: Pistachio, come back! [echoes]
    Pistachio: Eh, but... [tries to muster enough Energico to overcome the dark Energico] NOOOOOOO!!! [pants] Yes, I see now. Love is thicker than your behinds.
    [the bald henchman rings the gong]

## Cast

* Dana Carvey as Pistachio Disguisey, a man who follows in the footsteps of his family's legacy by becoming a Master of Disguise.
** Dylan and Cole Sprouse as young Pistachio Disguisey
** Dane Morris as teenage Pistachio Disguisey
* Brent Spiner as Devlin Bowman, a master criminal and enemy of the Disguisey family.
* Jennifer Esposito as Jennifer Baker, a woman who aids Pistachio in fighting Devlin.
* Harold Gould as Grandpa Disguisey, the grandfather of Pistachio who trains him in becoming a Master of Disguise.
* James Brolin as Fabbrizio Disguisey, the father of Pistachio and expert Master of Disguise.
* Maria Canals as Sophia
* Mark Devine as Trent
* Edie McClurg as "Mama" Disguisey, the mother of Pistachio.
* Austin Wolff as Barney Baker, a young neighbor of the Disguisey family and Jennifer’s son.
* Michael Bailey Smith as Bald Henchman, the unnamed bald-headed henchman of Devlin.
* Vincent Riverside as Henchman, an unnamed henchman of Devlin.
* Jay Johnston as Rex
* Mark Ginther, Carrick O'Quinn, Mitch Silpa, and John Tenn as the rest of Devlin's henchmen.
* Jonathan Loughran and Ted Rooney as Security Guards
* Virginia Hawkins as Interview Woman
* Erick Avari as Cigar Maker
* Larry Cedar as Businessman
* Vincent Castellanos as Art Dealer
* Gabriel Pimentel as Boxing Dummy
* Kevin Nealon as White Collar Executive
* Gabriel Pimental as the unnamed man with dwarfism who operates the Boxing Dummy.
* Andy Morrow, Naya Rivera, and Julius Ritter as Captain America Kids
* Leland Crooke as Appraiser

## External links

Quotes on IMDb