# 2DTV

2DTV was a satirical animated television show broadcast on ITV1 in the United Kingdom that followed closely in the footsteps of Spitting Image, but using animation rather than puppets.

## Ant and Dec

    Announcer: The ITV News at Ten with Ant and Dec.
    Ant: ITV denies accusations of dumbing down.
    Dec: Bongo-roony!
    Ant: Ant receives surprise slap on head... eh?
    [Dec slaps Ant on the head]
    Dec: Slapa-rooney!
    Ant: And former news caster evicted by phone vote.
    [cuts to Trevor McDonald, who is in a filthy alleyway]
    Trevor McDonald: News just in: I am hungry and homeless.
    Dec: Tramper-rooney!
    Ant: And now, the weather.
    Dec: And now, the weather.
    [cuts to Siân Lloyd in front of a map of the British Isles]
    Siân Lloyd: Hello, and here's tomorrow's weather. Well, it's going to be nice and sunny... if you phone this number. Or if you like cloudy conditions with a stiff north-easterly breeze... ring this number. Or if you prefer relentless drizzly rain... move to Wales.

## Osama Bin Laden

    [Bin Laden and his henchmen are in their cave]
    Bin Laden: At last we have nuclear bomb!
    [an old bomb drops into view; it has cracks, is leaking and has been stuck together using sticky tape]
    Bin Laden: Good work Binny Me!
    [Bin Laden turns round to see a smaller version of himself, both of which are doing the Dr. Evil pinky gesture. He turns back to his henchmen]
    Bin Laden: Initiate LAUNCH SEQUENCE!
    [The henchmen drag the bomb and drop it into a big envelope, which is addressed to: Infidel Bush, White House, USA]
    Bin Laden: FIRE!!!
    [one of the henchmen attaches a pigeon to the letter. The bird attempts to take off but cannot lift the mail]
    Bin Laden: I thought we had 2 birds?
    [Jalal burps and feathers come out of his mouth. He cringes]
    Jalal: Sorry.
    Bin Laden: Well, it's nice that Jalal tabled his concerns about the war...
    [the camera follows Bin Laden to his stone table. Jalal's head is on the table, with 2 other henchmen cowering behind the table]
    Bin Laden: Anyone else have any wobbles?
    Henchmen: No, Sir.
    Bin Laden: Good.
    [after an accidental explosion]
    Bin Laden: Jalal! Get your arse over here.
    Jalal: Why?
    Bin Laden: Because that's where your legs are.

## Tony Blair

    Tony Blair: We have conclusive proof that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction and here it is...
    [Blair holds up a piece of paper]
    Tony Blair: We kept the invoice... and if he doesn't pay up soon, he isn't getting any more!
    BBC Reporter: The Press are ready, Prime Minister.
    Blair: How'd you want me for this one?
    BBC Reporter: Well, the conference is about your weekend...
    (office turns into countryside. Blair puts on a casual shirt)
    Blair: Ah, it's the weekend, and I'm relaxed. Downtime. Cup of tea. Jeans, with a crease, because I'm an ordinary guy.
    BBC Reporter: The weekend with your family.
    Blair: Ah, Family! [clicks fingers. Cherie, Euan and Leo appear] Adoring wife, growing brood, baby in arms, family man. Just like you.
    BBC Reporter: Your weekend in Europe.
    Blair: Ah, Europe! [Cherie and the kids disappear and the room turns back into the office] Controversial issue, let's talk it out. Jacket off, sleeves rolled up, sweaty armpits, as long as it takes. No bullshit.
    BBC Reporter: The weekend which had to be posponed because of the war on terrorism.
    Blair: [office turns into the front of 10 Downing Street. Jack Straw appears at Blair's side] War. Sober suit. Furrow brow. No smile this time. Statesman-like. Not like you.
    BBC Reporter: And the tragic loss of life.
    Blair: [black curtain descends] Ah, loss of life. Black tie. Voice cracks with... emotion. Manly tear in eye, men cry too. One of you again.
    BBC Reporter: Which, since the weekend--
    Blair: Ah, weekend! Downtime, tea, Jeans! [scenery rapidly flickers]
    BBC Reporter: Mr. Blair, just be yourself!
    Blair: [scenery stops half way through shift] Myself? Um, just... remind me?

## George Bush

    [Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House]
    General: I think that should give you some idea of how delicate the balance of power is in the middle east.
    George Bush: I see, General.
    General: You didn't understand a word of that did you, Mr. President?
    George Bush: No I did not.
    General: Okay, do you want me to get Professor Leibstrom to explain it?
    George Bush: I think that might help.
    [the General goes underneath the table and, after a brief struggle, a sock puppet appears at the edge of Bush's desk]
    General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Hello again, Mr. President. It's Me, Professoer Leibstrom.
    George Bush: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Professor Leibstrom! Ha Ha!
    [camera pulls out to reveal the General, crouching under the desk while operating the sock puppet]
    George Bush: Quick General! You're missing the Professor!
    General: Oh Jesus.
    General: I think Professor Leibstrom had better explain this. (as Professor Leibstrom) Hello!
    Bush: Oh, I get it. The General leaves and then you come in. Don't think I know what's going on, because I do!
    General: (as Professor Leibstrom) You do?
    Bush: You two had a fight!
    General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Uh... yeah, that's right.
    Bush: Oh, Professor Leibstrom, you shouldn't fight with the General. Fighting never solves anything!
    [Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House. Bush is staring at a painting of himself]
    George Bush: General, this mirror isn't working.
    General: Sir, that's a painting.
    George Bush: But it--
    General: No time to explain, Sir. I have an urgent call for you on the satellite video link. It's, uh... Saddam Hussein.
    [TV drops down from roof. The screen shows Saddam Hussein in his office]
    Saddam Hussein: Ah, Mr. Bush. So you want to bomb old Saddam, eh? Fair enough. But would you want to bomb... Tiddles?
    [a kitten jumps onto Saddam's desk. Bush and the General gasp]
    Saddam Hussein: Or Fluffy? or Tufty?! Yes, gentlemen, from now on myself and all military targets will be protected by a kitten shield. [stroaking kittens] Won't they? Yes they will! Yes they will! End Transmission.
    George Bush: Can I have one, General? I gotta have one of those cute furry things!
    General: If you insist, sir.
    [General gives Bush a fake, Saddam-style mustache]
    George Bush: Yeah! [turns to painting] Awww, but I don't look no different.
    General: Oh, Hairy Moses!
    [Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House. Bush is playing with army soldiers and tanks]
    General: Good news, Sir. Iraq seems to be co-operating fully with UN inspectors. Looks like an all-out conflict can be avoided.
    George Bush: AW NUTS!!!
    General: Sir?
    George Bush: [having a tantrum] I WANNA WAR! I WANNA WAR! I WANNA WAR! All the other cool presidents have had wars!
    [Starts throwing his toys at the General]
    General: But Sir, you just had a war, and you didn't even finish that one!
    George Bush: Well I'm gonna hold my breath until you let me have another one.
    [Bush holds his breath. His face starts turning blue]
    General: Oh, now sir! Oh, I think I'd better fetch Professor Leibstrom.
    [General goes underneath the table and brandishes the sock puppet]
    General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Hello!
    George Bush: Ha Ha Ha Ha! Professor Leibstrom!
    General: (as Professer Leibstrom) I know! Instead of having a war, why don't we have an ice cream?
    George Bush: Yeah, an ice cream! With Chocolate sauce!
    General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Oh Yeah.
    George Bush: And a war!
    General: NO! (as Professor Leibstrom) Sir, nobody else wants a war... except perhaps Britain.
    George Bush: Let's have a war with Britain then!
    General: Oh, Hairy Moses!
    [Bush and General are in the Oval Office in the White House]
    General: Sir, I must protest in the strongest possible terms!
    George Bush: General, I'm the president of the United States of America. When I say jump, you jump.
    General: Hairy Moses.
    [General starts to jump up and down]
    General: Mr President, why the jimny do we have to have a bouncy Whitehouse?
    George Bush: Because all the terrorists bombs will just bounce right off of it.
    General: (sarcastically) Oh, silly me!
    George Bush: Look at this! (Bush starts to jump up and down) I can do a star, Egypshine, Bruce Forsite!
    General: Bruce Forsyth!
    George Bush: Okay, I'm bored now. Let's play darts!
    General: NO MISTER PRESIDENT!!!!
    [a popping sound is heard and the bouncy Whitehouse starts to deflate. Bush starts to cry]
    General: Well, it's your own fault.
    {The camera fades and the viewer rejoins after the bouncy Whitehouse has been fully deflated]
    George Bush: General, I never thought I'd say this... blow up the Whitehouse! (sobs)
    General: Ugh! (starts to inflate the Whitehouse using his breath)
    [Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House, where Christmas decorations have been put out. Bush is holding a present wrapped in wrapping paper; the present is in the shape of a puppy]
    George Bush: Oh, come on General! What is it?
    [dog in wrapping paper barks]
    George Bush: It's a book, ain't it?
    General: Now no opening util tomorrow, sir.
    George Bush: I promise.
    General: [the General walks off screen]
    George Bush: I love Christmas!
    [alarms go off]
    George Bush: General! The flashing warning thing's gone off! General? General?!
    Computer: WARNING: potential hostile inbound. Request action.
    George Bush: Okay George, don't panic. Now what is it dad used to say?
    [George Bush Senior appears in a thought bubble]
    George Bush Senior: Son, don't ever, ever, EVER... press the red button.
    George Bush: Something about pressing the red button.
    [Bush presses the red button and the camera cuts to a shot of the moon, where a sleigh passes infront of it. The sleigh is shot down by defences. the General appears]
    General: Sir, what in god's name is... can you smell roast venison?
    [The sleigh crashes into the room. Bush inspects the wreckage and puts on some disembodied antlers]
    George Bush: Look General, I'm a lion! Moo, moo!
    General: That's uncanny, sir.

## Bill Gates

    Bill Gates: Well guys, welcome to the most high-tech home in the world: House 2001.
    Son: But I just got used to our old place, House 2000.
    Bill Gates: That thing's completely obsolete. Check out these new features!
    Wife: It looks exactly like the old one.
    Bill Gates: Not at all. It's a lot more expensive (sniggers)
    [Gate's family laugh in the same fashion]
    Bill Gates: And get a load of this multi-phonic cyber cinema.
    [Gates clicks on the control panel and a huge screen appears in the room. The screen crashes halfway through deployment]
    Daughter: Why's it done that?
    Bill Gates: Try double clicking it.
    Wife: It seems to have frozen.
    Bill Gates: It's fine. We... probably just need go out and come back in again.
    [the family step outside the house and close the door. After a brief moment they all come back in again to find that everything has vanished]
    Son: Where's it all gone?
    Bill Gates: Um, it should be here, er...
    Wife: Did you remember to save it?
    Bill Gates: I thought I did. Er... don't panic!
    Wife: Try escape.
    Son: No, Control-Alt!
    Daughter: Let me have a go!
    Bill Gates: Get off!
    Wife: Don't you press that!
    Bill Gates: LET ME JUST TRY SOMETHING!!!
    [Gates hits the control panel and a Windows like text box appears in front of them]
    Son: It says the house has performed an illegal operation and will...
    [the house disappears and the family are in the desert, where their house used to be]
    Bill Gates: Don't worry guys, I'm already working on House 2001.1!

## Michael Jackson

    TV announcer: Blackpool-0 Silicon-0 Botin-0 Birmingham-1 And that's all the scores we have in football today.
    Johnny Vegas: I'm sorry Monkey, it's over. I can't afford to keep you no more.
    Monkey: Please Johnny, don't put me down!
    Johnny Vegas: Don't worry, I got you a nice new owner.
    Michael Jackson: Howdy there, Bubbles 2
    Monkey: Please! Put me down! Shoot me now!
    Michael Jackson: Where does my hand go?
    Monkey: Owww!
    Michael Jackson: I was ganna say that.
    Voice Over: Michael Jackon's parenting tips #43.
    Michael Jackson: It's important to encourage your children to take their first steps.
    [cuts to a scene with Jackson hanging over a balcony, reaching out for something]
    Michael Jackson: Come to Daddy, Prince Michael the Second.
    [camera pans out to see a baby balancing on a washing line]
    Michael Jackson: I don't see any moonwalking.
    [Baby starts to moonwalk towards Jackson]
    Michael Jackson: That's my boy, and I've got the receipt to prove it!

## Anne Robinson

    Anne Robinson: It's time to vote off... the Weakest Link.
    [all four contestants vote for Anne Robinson]
    Anne Robinson: Peter, Why Anne?
    Peter: Your air of superiority is totally phony and you always cut people off ----
    Anne Robinson: Sue, why Anne?
    Sue: Well, you're not scary, and you mis-pronouce everything.
    Anne Robinson: Joremy, why Anne?
    Jeremy: You got the IQ of a squirrel.
    Mike: And the looks.
    Anne Robinson: I am the Weakest Link, goodbye.

## Michael Schumacher

    Michael Schumacher: *sitting next to the cot of Baby Schumacher* Okay Baby Schumacher, it is time for your 7:30, I'll begin. *opens the book and cleared his throat* Zhe Tortoise and Zhe Hare. Vunce upon a time, there vus za tortoise...errmm...Let's call him Coulthard...and za hare called Schumacher... Hare Schumacher, and zay decided to have a vace...So as the vace begins, zhe Hare vus very confident that he had the upper advantage to the tortoise, and vould surely vin. And he vus vight! He did vin.
    Baby Schumacher: But daddy, does the tortoise win next times?
    Michael Schumacher: No! Ze tortoise never vins! Ze hare vins over and over and over again, that's vat makes racing more interesting! *sees Baby Schumacher already fast asleep through boredom* Oh.

## Seaman, David

    [Seaman is in the supermarket, browsing for shampoo]
    David Seaman: Let's see here: Greasy hair? Normal hair? Stupid Hair? Ah, F**king Stupid Hair!
    [Seaman puts the shampoo in his shopping trolly]
    David Seaman: That's the one!

## Posh and Becks

    [The dining room all dirty of porridge. Victoria and Romeo are sitting there. David comes in the dining room]
    David Beckham: How's the feeding going?
    Romeo: Oh, she's been an absolute bugger.
    [Romeo takes spoon to feed Victoria]
    Romeo: Now come on, here comes the singer into the Versace shop. Open wide.
    [Victoria takes the spoon, crawls to Romeo and throws the spoon on the floor. Then Victoria and David get angry at Romeo]
    Romeo: I give up.

## Jamie Oliver

    [Jools is sleeping while Jamie is making noise in the kitchen. Jools suddenly wakes up]
    Jools: Jamie, slow down.
    Jamie: You rest up love, super-dad got it all under control.
    Jools: You're trying to do too much.
    Jamie: All done, I stuffed the chicken with onion and garlic butter and trained the baby's nappy.
    [Jamie shows Jools nappy on chicken. Baby Poppy cries]
    Jamie: Back in a tick.

## External links

* 2DTV quotes at the Internet Movie Database