# Meet the Feebles

Meet the Feebles (also known as Frogs of War in New Zealand as the film's English fake working title) is a 1989 New Zealand musical black comedy film directed by Peter Jackson. It features Jim Henson-esque puppets in a perverse comic satire.
    Directed by Peter Jackson. Produced by Jim Booth. Written by Peter Jackson, Danny Mulheron, Fran Walsh and Stephen Sinclair.

## Heidi

* Eat lead, you man-stealing slut!

## Bletch

* Oh, shit! I was just about to pop my cookies!
* [last words before his death] Oh, shit!

## Vietnamese gophers

* Soldier gopher: Bỏ vũ khí xuống và giơ tay lên những con chó chạy theo chủ nghĩa xét lại. ("Drop your weapons and put your hands up revisionist running dogs.")
* Educator gopher: Thời gian học lại cho bọn đế quốc phát xít. ("Re-education time for fascist imperialists.")
* Educator gopher: (pointing Chuck, Wynyard, and Jim to a blackboard that says "Lyndon Johnson is very bad egg") You... read... You... read.
* Educator gopher: Tôi vẫn nói rằng doanh nghiệp tư nhân là chấp nhận được ở cấp làng cung cấp nó được kiểm soát chặt chẽ bởi bên. ("I still say that private enterprise is acceptable at a village level, providing it is strictly controlled by the party.")
* Soldier gopher: Chúng ta không được để những điều nhỏ nhặt khát vọng tư sản nhuốm màu sư phạm xã hội chủ nghĩa. Cải cách là kẻ thù của cuộc cách mạng. ("We must not let petty bourgeois aspirations taint socialist pedagogy. Reform is the enemy of revolution.")

## Others

* Guppy: Is something the matter, Mr. Bletch?
* Abi: Please, do not interrupt me. I am traveling on the astral plane.
* Trevor: I've heard better singing from a mongoose with throat cancer.

## Dialogue

    [first lines of the film]
    Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen. Your attention please. Welcome to the newest, the greatest, the most spectacular in entertainment history. Put your hands together for the fabulous Feebles Variety Hour!
    Feebles: ♪ Meet the Feebles, ♪
    ♪ Meet the Feebles ♪
    ♪ We're not your average ordinary people. ♪
    ♪ Meet the Feebles, ♪
    ♪ Meet the Feebles ♪
    Wynard: ♪ Animal acts ♪
    Dorothy: ♪ And other attractions. ♪
    Barry: ♪ Samantha the pussy ♪
    ♪ Will show you some action. ♪
    Dennis: ♪ A contortionist. ♪
    Sid: ♪ A modernist. ♪
    Feebles: ♪ A hippopotamus. ♪
    ♪ Unconditionally guaranteed to send you ♪
    ♪ When you meet the Feebles. ♪
    ♪ Meet the Feebles. ♪
    ♪ We're not your average ordinary people. ♪
    ♪ Meet the Feebles,♪
    ♪ Meet the Feebles. ♪
    Announcer: And now, here's Harry!
    Harry: Yipeee! Ha ha! Hi, folks! Welcome to the Feebles Variety Hour. Oh, boy, what a line-up we've got for you tonight. But, first, give a huge reception to our very own Venus, the gorgeous hunk of hippo-hood, Heidi!
    Heidi: ♪ I'm Heidi, hi! ♪
    ♪ I love that you are ♪
    ♪ Not as pretty as me, ♪
    ♪ But then I'm the star. ♪
    ♪ I put on my rouge, ♪
    ♪ My talents are huge. ♪
    Feebles: ♪ We've got a show that's just sublime, ♪
    ♪ And now it's time, ♪
    ♪ Time to meet the Feebles. ♪
    ♪ Meet the Feebles. ♪
    ♪ We're not your average ordinary people. ♪
    ♪ Meet the Feebles, ♪
    ♪ Meet the Feebles! ♪
    Trevor: All right, you fat slag! Move your ass!
    Heidi: How dare you speak to me like that, you horrible, spiteful, little rat!
    Trevor: I've heard better singing from a mongoose with throat cancer.
    Heidi: I won't stand for this treatment any longer! I'm an artiste! I demand respect!
    Trevor: "Artiste". Ha ha! That's a good one!
    Heidi: That's it! I've had enough! I am going straight to Bletch!
    Trevor: You do that, darling!
    Sebastian: What is going on over there? Heidi, where are you going? Trevor, you haven't upset her again, have you? You know what happens when she gets into a tizz.
    Trevor: Oh, the old cow's had it too good for too long.
    Sebastian: Like it or not, Trevor, she's the star of the show. There's no Feebles without Heidi. Come on, everybody. We're going out live in twelve hours. Heaven forbid injecting some urgency into this occasion, but for God's sake, get a move on!
    Trevor: What are you doing here, pincushion?
    Robert: I was just watching the chowus.
    Trevor: Hey, you're that new boy here, aren't you?
    Robert: Yes, I am. I just stawted today. I'm Wobewt.
    Trevor: You may be Wobewt to your friends, but you're fly shit to me! Piss off!
    Robert: Yes siw.
    [heading to the golf course]
    Bletch: When are we due on the course?
    Barry: One o'clock sharp. It's all arranged.
    Bletch: Barry, how's your handicap?
    Barry: She's at home, baking a cake, boss.
    [Bletch and Barry laugh]
    Cedric: It's a lovely course. I'm tempted to join the club myself.
    Bletch: No chance of that I'm afraid, Cedric.
    Cedric: You mean they discriminate against Scots?
    Bletch: No, we just don't like assholes in the clubhouse.
    Madame Udder: Oh, no! No, no. No, help, somebody! No, no!
    Masked Masochist: Take that, you bitch!
    Madame Udder: I beg you, please, no, stop it!
    Masked Masochist: Call me "Sir", slut!
    Madame Udder: Ow!
    Robert: Weave hew awone! You wottew! Awe you aww wight, madam?
    Trevor: Cut!
    Madame Udder: Jesus Christ!
    Trevor: You have a nasty habit of sticking your nose in where it's not wanted.
    Robert: I'm sowwy.
    Trevor: You ruined my take, kid. I never do two takes!
    Robert: I didn't know it was a fiwm.
    Madame Udder: Hurry it up, I'm freezing!
    Robert: I'm sowwy for intewwupting. I won't distuwb you any wongew.
    Trevor: We'll skip the whipping. Let's move on to the blowjob. Where's the Masked Masochist? Oh, Christ, that's all I need! He's carked! Didn't you realize you were sitting on his face?
    Madame Udder: I felt a bit uncomfortable, but I thought it was my hemorrhoids.
    Trevor: What the hell? Maybe I can sell it as a snuff movie.
    Madame Udder: Well, you'll have to find a substitute. I don't do self abuse.
    Trevor: No worries, Daisy. I know just the guy.
    Sebastian: All right everybody, from the top! Music, please!
    Barry: [sings in Italian]
    Sebastian: Stop!!!
    Barry: Oh, for Christ sake! What the hell was wrong with that?
    Sebastian: Who is holding that red pennant?
    Robert: Me, siw.
    Sebastian: And what on earth do you think you're doing?
    Robert: I'm patwowwing the moat, siw.
    Sebastian: Patrolling the moat? I see. You were instructed to stay upstage left.
    Robert: Itawian pennant beawews of the 17th centuwy wewe fwequentwy known to patwow the wampawt, on the wookout for Tuwkish invadews.
    Sebastian: How very elucidating.
    Robert: I've been weading up on it, siw. My dwama teachew at schoow said I shouwd awways weseawch a wowe thowoughwy.
    Sebastian: Really? Well let me tell you something. This is a television variety show, not a homage to Soviet Realism! Good grief! I asked for a pennant, not a pedant! All right, again! From the top!
    Barry: [sings in Italian]
    Robert: Excuse me!
    Sebastian: Stop!
    Barry: Oh, shit!
    Sid: Oh, God!
    Sebastian: What is it?
    Robert: It's just... Weww, I'm having twoubwe with my motivation. I don't undewstand why I wouwd wemain stiww when the scene itsewf suggests vigowous physicaw action, dangew even.
    Sebastian: I suppose you'd like everyone to stop singing while you come forward to do a little war dance center stage. Is that it?
    Robert: Weww, it had cwossed my mind!
    Sebastian: Oh, my God!
    Arthur: Sorry, guv, I hate to interrupt, but it don't look like the knife thrower's assistant is going to pull through. Shall I cancel Wynyard's act entirely?
    Sebastian: I think not. I've got just the substitute.
    Wynard: Jesus, Trevor, have you got the stuff? I'm hanging out, man. I'll get you the money tomorrow, I promise.
    Robert: Hewwo, my name's Wobewt.
    Wynard: Are you the new supplier?
    Robert: No, I've been sent by the diwectow to assist you in youw knife-thwowing woutine.
    Wynard: Oh, shit!
    Robert: I was wondewing if you wouwd wike to pwactice.
    Wynard: No, I don't know, man, I really don't know. It's not such a hot idea. Have you got any smack?
    Robert: Smack?
    Wynard: Horse, liquid sky, skag, snow, coke, crack, methadone, Benzedrine, pinkies, San Ped, Morning Glory, nutmeg, blue meanies, aspirin, Ados, paracetamol, Vicks VapoRub?!! Oh, you don't happen to be an asthmatic by any chance? Could I borrow your huffer?
    Robert: I don't take dwugs of any sowt. I don't bewieve it's wight to abuse youw body wike that.
    Wynard: Oh, well, that's easy for you to say. You haven't been to hell and back.
    Robert: Eh?
    Wynard: Nam!
    Robert: Oh, you've been to Vietnam?
    Wynard: I saw the worst of it, kid. Tet Offensive 1968. Charlie had our backs against the wall! There were six of us. There were five of us. Every gook north of Saigon was drawing a bead on us. Take cover!
    Jim: Wynyard! Cover me!
    Wynard: Jim! Jim!
    Chuck: Quickly, hurry up!
    Wynard: Thanks, Jim, I owe you one!
    Jim: I wasn't about to see my best buddy peppered with Charlie's lead.
    Wynard: Three weeks later, we were on a routine patrol north of Tai Pang. Charlie was close, so close you could almost smell him. Where's Eightball?
    Jim: Better go back and look for him.
    Wynard: Eightball! Thank God!
    Chuck: We thought the gooks had got you, Eightball.
    Soldier gopher: Bỏ vũ khí xuống và giơ tay lên những con chó chạy theo chủ nghĩa xét lại. ("Drop your weapons and put your hands up revisionist running dogs.")
    Wynard: In the days that followed, I wished a thousand times that it was my head on that stake.
    Educator gopher: Thời gian học lại cho bọn đế quốc phát xít. ("Re-education time for fascist imperialists.") You... read... You... read.
    Chuck: I can't see, you bastards! Oh God! Oh God!
    Wynard: We didn't see Chuck for two days. We thought he was a goner. But then on the third night, they brought him back to us. The bastards had taken his legs.
    Educator gopher: Tôi vẫn nói rằng doanh nghiệp tư nhân là chấp nhận được ở cấp làng cung cấp nó được kiểm soát chặt chẽ bởi bên. ("I still say that private enterprise is acceptable at a village level, providing it is strictly controlled by the party.")
    Soldier gopher: Chúng ta không được để những điều nhỏ nhặt khát vọng tư sản nhuốm màu sư phạm xã hội chủ nghĩa. Cải cách là kẻ thù của cuộc cách mạng. ("We must not let petty bourgeois aspirations taint socialist pedagogy. Reform is the enemy of revolution.")
    Wynard: The Cong hadn't finished with us yet. Their twisted communist minds had devised one last torture. As I stared down the muzzle of that gun, I thought of Chuck and Eightball and the thousands of others who had perished in that godforsaken wilderness. I was not afraid to join them.
    Jim: Let's get out of here! Help me! Come on, buddy, help me up! Wynyard! Wynyard! Don't leave me! Please! Dear God, no! Nooo!
    Wynard: It was six months before I got outta that Saigon hospital. By then, I was hooked on every barbiturate known to man.
    Robert: Gosh! What an awfuw time you've had!
    Wynard: Ah, hey kid, you want to express your sympathy in some kind of material way?
    Robert: How can I do that?
    Wynard: Vietnam Vets Association. We're badly under-funded. Minimum donation fifty bucks. Thanks, kid. The Association was in bad need of a cash injection.
    Bletch: Do you really think people are interested in nasal sex?
    Trevor: Sure, boss. It's the latest fad.
    Bletch: You got a title?
    Trevor: I thought... "Dennis does Daisy".
    Bletch: Nah. That's lousy.
    Trevor: Well, how about... "Anal Antics"?
    Bletch: "Anal Antics"... Not bad. It has a certain ring to it. It will appeal to the intellectuals. Do you think it will do as well as our last release and win us the Hooker Prize? You know, I'm worried about Madame Bovine. We've lost money on her last two pictures.
    Trevor: You want her replaced, boss?
    Bletch: I think the public are tired of big udders. Find someone young and petite.
    Trevor: Sure thing, boss.
    Arthur: Here! You stuck it in the wrong way round!
    Trevor: I'm sorry. I didn't know worms had nerves.
    Robert: Evew since the nightmawe of Vietnam, he's been a hopewess dwug addict. It made me weawize just how wucky I am.
    Lucille: How lucky we both are! I'm so glad we decided to get engaged.
    Robert: Good wuck fow tonight, Wucy.
    Lucille: Are you nervous?
    Robert: Just a bit.
    Lucille: Me too.
    Robert: Actuawwy, I'm tewwibwy newvous. This is my fiwst show.
    Lucille: You'll be wonderful. I know you will.
    Trevor: I hope I'm not interrupting.
    Lucille: I was just dressing for the show.
    Trevor: So I see.
    Lucille: What do you want?
    Trevor: Oh, a moment of your time. We've got something to celebrate.
    Lucille: What's that?
    Trevor: Your new career. Lucille, I'm gonna put you in the movies.
    Lucille: Movies!
    Trevor: I've been watching you for some time. You've got that indefinable something. Star quality!
    Lucille: That's my real ambition, to be in films!
    Trevor: I've got a meaty part for you.
    Lucille: Will I have to audition?
    Trevor: That's what I'm here for.
    Lucille: I feel woozy.
    Trevor: Here, let me loosen your clothes. What beautiful white fur you've got, my dear.
    Robert: Wuciwwe, you weft this in my woom...
    Trevor: Take a hike! Can't you see that we're busy?
    Robert: Wuciwwe!
    Trevor: Oh, Jesus!
    Lucille: Robert?
    Robert: You've been dwinking!
    Trevor: It's OK. I've finished with her anyway. Oh, go for your life, kid. She's a real good ride.
    Robert: How couwd you do this?
    Lucille: Robert!
    Robert: Wuciwwe, how couwd you?
    Lucille: No! Robert! Wait!
    Heidi: It wasn't my fault.
    Sebastian: You've been overeating again!
    Heidi: Uh, no, I haven't.
    Sebastian: There is Black Forest cherry cake in your cleavage!
    Heidi: Ooh! How did that get there?
    Sebastian: You know what chocolate does to your system.
    Heidi: It was only a small wedge.
    Sebastian: Your contract specifically states you are forbidden to eat gateaux on the day of a performance.
    Heidi: I was depressed.
    Sebastian: You're depressed? We're going out live in three hours, for God's sake!
    Heidi: Don't speak to me like that! You don't understand! None of you understand! Bletch! Bletch!
    Sebastian: Suddenly, I feel very, very old.
    F. W.: Kill me if you want to, Harry. It's too late. It won't make any difference. The story's already gone to press.
    Harry: You overgrown maggot! You're bluffing!
    F. W.: Am I, Harry?
    Newspaper Mouse: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Famous Feeble has death row sex disease!
    F. W.: Congratulations, you're front-page news.
    Newspaper Mouse: Extra, extra! Read all about it! Extra! Extra, extra! Sex disease strikes Feeble fraternity. Thank you, ma'am. Extra, extra! Sex disease... Thank you, sir.
    Bletch: Jesus Christ! Do you know anything about this, Trevor?
    Trevor: Not a thing, boss.
    Bletch: Why couldn't that goddamn bed-hopping bunny keep his member to himself? Who wrote this crap?
    Trevor: I got a good idea, boss.
    Bletch: Find him!
    Lucille: Robert, we have to talk.
    Robert: We have nothing to say to each othew.
    Lucille: I want to tell you what happened.
    Robert: I thought you wewe nice.
    Lucille: I am nice.
    Robert: No, you'we not. You'we woose! And you dwink!
    Lucille: No!
    Robert: You'we nothing but a woose wush, Wuciwwe, and I nevew want to see you again!
    Bletch: He wouldn't dare! Oh, Christ, he's not!
    Trevor: Oh, yes, he is, boss.
    Sebastian: ♪ Sodomy! ♪
    ♪ You must think it very odd of me ♪
    ♪ But I enjoy the act of sodomy ♪
    ♪ You might call the wrath of God on me ♪
    ♪ But if you tried it then you might agree ♪
    ♪ That you enjoy the act of sodomy ♪
    ♪ Don't worry if you feel ashamed ♪
    ♪ It's been around for years ♪
    Chorus: ♪ I-Yi-Yi-Yi-Yi ♪
    Sebastian: ♪ Thousands more than can be named ♪
    ♪ Are interested in rears ♪
    ♪ Don't worry about hell ♪
    Chorus: ♪ Oooooooh ♪
    Sebastian: ♪ No harm will come to your soul ♪
    Chorus: ♪ Oooooooh ♪
    Sebastian: ♪ We're not all Pentacostal ♪
    ♪ But everybody's got an arsehole ♪
    ♪ Let me tell ya' 'bout sodomy ♪
    Chorus: ♪ Sodomy ♪
    Sebastian: ♪ You must think it very odd of me ♪
    Chorus: ♪ Odd of Me ♪
    Sebastian: ♪ But I enjoy the act of sodomy ♪
    Chorus: ♪ Sodomy ♪
    Sebastian: ♪ You might call the wrath of God on me ♪
    ♪ But if you tried it then you might agree ♪
    ♪ That you enjoy the act of sodomy ♪
    ♪ It might just improve your sex ♪
    ♪ It's a hard act to follow ♪
    Chorus: ♪ Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum ♪
    Sebastian: ♪ The fact that fundamentalists ♪
    ♪ Find difficult to swallow ♪
    ♪ So join me as I sing ♪
    Chorus: ♪ Bum Bum ♪
    Sebastian: ♪ Of an activity that's fun ♪
    Chorus: ♪ Bum Bum ♪
    Sebastian: ♪ Open up your ring ♪
    ♪ And try it front to bum ♪
    ♪ Bum-bum ♪
    ♪ Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum ♪
    ♪ Sodomy! ♪
    ♪ You must think it very odd of me ♪
    ♪ But I enjoy the act of sodomy ♪
    ♪ You might call the wrath of God on me ♪
    ♪ But if you tried it then you might agree ♪
    ♪ That you enjoy the act of sodomy ♪
    ♪ Sodomy ♪
    ♪ SODOMY!!! ♪
    Bletch: Trevor...?
    Trevor: Yeah, boss?
    Bletch: I want that fudge packer eliminated!
    Robert: I don't cawe what you've done, Wuciwwe. I wove you so vewy vewy much, and I want you to mawwy me.
    Lucille: Oh, Robert, I love you too! I was never unfaithful, it was Trevor. He drugged my drink and tried to ravish me.
    Robert: The diwty wat!
    Bletch: Christ!
    [This catches Heidi's attention. She turns to Bletch.]
    Bletch: Heidi! Put the gun down!
    [Heidi shoots at Bletch in the balcony. The balcony breaks and Bletch falls to the floor. Heidi prepares to finish Bletch off with the gun.]
    Bletch: Heidi, for God's sake! Heidi, I still love you!
    Heidi: [tearfully] Bletch...
    [Suddenly, Heidi gets shot. She cries out as she falls to the floor. Trevor is standing nearby with a gun.]
    Bletch: Kill her, Trevor!
    Trevor: It'll be a pleasure, boss.
    Robert: You wottew!
    [Robert yells as he swings down, knocking Trevor down. Robert falls and rolls out of sight, causing Lucille to scream. Before Trevor can get up, Heidi picks up the gun and shoots Trevor dead. Bletch is about to lunge at Heidi, but Heidi turns around and puts the gun in his mouth.]
    Bletch: Oh, shit!
    [Heidi blows Bletch's brains out, and the walrus falls dead.]
    [last lines of the film]
    Arthur: Miss Heidi. I know you're a real star and all that. But I'm afraid I'm gonna have to dob you in.
    Heidi: Could you do one last thing, Arthur?
    Arthur: Anything, Heidi.
    Heidi: Play "The Garden of Love".
    ♪ On a magic night ♪
    ♪ When the way you feel ♪
    ♪ Is a mystery ♪
    ♪ It will be revealed ♪
    ♪ Could be an angel ♪
    ♪ From up above ♪
    ♪ With a flower from a garden ♪
    ♪ A garden of love ♪
    ♪ Garden of love ♪

## Taglines

* Welcome to the Jungle.
* Sex, drugs and soft toys.
* Puppet spunk hits the fan!
* Hell hath no fury like a hippo with a machine gun.
* From the creator of "Bad Taste", comes a movie with no taste at all!

## Cast

* Mark Hadlow as Robert the Hedgehog, Heidi the Hippo, Barry the Bulldog and Chorus Girl #3.
* Peter Vere-Jones as Bletch the Walrus, Arthur the Worm, The Baker, Newspaper Mouse and the Announcer.
* Donna Akersten as Lucille the Poodle, Samantha the Cat, Dorothy the Sheep, Female Rabbit #1, Chorus Girl #2 and Fitness Tape Voice.
* Stuart Devenie as Sebastian the Fox, Dr. Quack the Duck, Madame Bovine, Sandy the Chicken, Cedric the Warthog, Seymour the Elechicken, Mr. Big the Whale, Female Rabbit #2 and Chorus Girl #1.
* Brian Sergent as Wynyard the Frog, Trevor the Rat, F. W. Fly, Jim the Frog, Chuck the Frog, The Spider and the Vietnamese Gophers.
* Mark Wright as Sid the Elephant, The Masked Masochist, Louie the Dog, Guppy the Fish, Poodle, Snake bartender, Crab and Chorus Girl #4.
* Fane Flaws as Musician Frog.
* Danny Mulheron as Heidi the Hippo. (body only)