# The Cat in the Hat (film)

The Cat in the Hat is a 2003 American comedy film, about two bored kids whose life is turned upside down when a talking cat comes to visit them.
    Directed by Bo Welch. Written by Alec Berg, David Mandel, and Jeff Schaffer, loosely based on the 1957 book of the same name by Dr. Seuss.

## The Cat in the Hat

* A monster? Where? [Conrad and Sally scream] That could've gone better [laughs wheezily]
* There is a third option. [plays a dramatic sting on the keyboard] [Conrad and Sally: There is?] Yes. It involves...murder. [plays another dramatic sting on the keyboard]
* Okay, I have a problem with the word "dog". I don't use the "D" word perse 'cause I think it's really really wrong. But I will happily hold your Canine-American. I'm not comfortable with that really, yeah. [Larry hands over Nevins to Zumzimeroo Man, Singing] How much is that Canine-American in the window?
* [as Cheshire Cat, after cutting off his tail] SON OF A BI- [bleep]
* [repeated line] OH YEAH!!
* [as narrator] he was smart he was kind- [suddenly sees the audience; normal voice] Oh, hello.
* What's on my schedule tomorrow how about a vacation to Hawaii?
* There are Things about going to these places! [laughs wheezily]

## Conrad Walden

* Mom, that guy's a total phony! You can't let Larry-
* Sally! Everything's disappearing up there! HELP!
* I wish I had a different mom. [Joan: [sadly] Well, sometimes I also think that too.]
* Indoor stair luge!

## Sally Walden

* Well, this is just great, Conrad. The whole house is destroyed, the party is ruined, and now Nevins is gone.
* Nevins? Nevins, come back!

## Larry Quinn

* NOBODY LIKES A SUCKUP!!!
* I'm sending Conrad awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... [Nevins pees on his taco] OH! OH! [Nevins starts barking, and sniffs his taco that Nevins peed on] OH! [Nevins barks] I can't believe you whizzed on my taco!
* [sneezes] Why am I sneezing? [Cat touches him by his shoulder] [Cat: That'd be me. BOO!] You're a giant- [sneezing] CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [screaming, tears the wall paper falls off the cliff, splashes in the purple river]

## The Fish

* Children, this cat is currently in the violation of [counts to 17] seventeen of your mother's rules! [phone rings] [Cat: City Morgue!] [loses it] EIGHTEEN!
* This Cat should not be here and he should not be about and he should not be here when your mother is out!
* I told you all this would happen, but no one listens to a fish!
* [after the "Fun, Fun, Fun" song by The Cat, he is seen clapping] Bravo, Cat. these children are smart enough not to fall for your MTV-style flash at the expensive content and moral values.

## Mr. Humberfloob

* [about to fire Jim McFlinnigan] FIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* You're fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, [Deep breath, and then he continues] fired, fired, fired...
* 1234567

## Dialogue

    [In the Universal Pictures logo, We see a red sphere glowing white and the lines come shininh out of it and the word "Universal" comes flying over the sphere, it is earth, colored red and white, then the circle turns into a star ball, in the Dreamworks Pictures logo, a white person with a red and white striped hat Uses his fishing rod on the water, it changes to the Imagine Entertainment logo where a fish is seen swimming in the water, then the movie starts off with the clouds, first lines in the film, A Walt Disney-like narrator which is the cat in the hat is heard speaking off-screen]
    Narrator: There are gajillions of stores of mischief and fun, but to keep things simple, let's start with just one about a mom and two kids, a house and a hat that oddly enough, [camera zooms into the clouds and the film title design appearing] was worn by a Cat, but soon we will get to all of that. In the valley that stretches from this hill to that hill, a city is nestled-- That city is Anville [view of the Anville with people hungry for tutti-frutti, with shopping bags] It's a town that's not huge, but not quite big enough for buyers and sellers to sell and buy stuff from shoes and shirts and elongated ladders to sailboats and gibble-grated berry-juice bladders. [the Hand Sanitizer truck is shown and the horn is heard honking] So, our story begins at the corner of Main and Montroob [the employee puts a box of sanitizer on the mover] in the spotless real estate office run by Hank Humberfloob.
    Cat: Why, I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're..."meline"?..."key lime"?..."turpentine"? I got nothing. I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk, that should be enough for you people!
    Sally: Where did you come from?
    Cat: Hmm, How do I put this? When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...
    Conrad: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you come from?
    Cat: My place, what do you think?
    Conrad: No, how did you get here?
    Cat: I drove! Look, I've been here two whole minutes and no one has offered me a drink. Harumph!
    Sally: Sorry Mr. Cat, would you like some milk?
    Cat: Milk? Ecch! No! Lactose Intolerant, gums up the works. You'll thank me later. [laughs as he uses the wooden board as a surfboard] Hello! Surf's up! [laughs and hoots until he puts the wooden board back] Nice spread ya got here. Humina, humina, humina, humina! [looking at a photo of Joan] Who is this? [in a risque joke, his hat proceeds to lift off his head]
    Conrad: That's my mom.
    [Record scratch]
    Cat: Awkward. Yeah.
    [In the first deleted scene, after The Cat hangs Mrs. Kwan in the closet.]
    Cat: I do It for nothing! [laughs loudly] Hmmph! [Conrad and Sally both walk over to him] Now, let's have a look over you two. [A inspector circle thing comes out of his hat, takes out his finger.] Mm-hmmm, follow my finger, [lifts his finger up and down, and directed ways as Sally looks at it.] Up here, down here. Left, right-- [makes noises] C'mon soldier, this ain't your mama's house! [is done directing his finger] Okay. [takes a look at Sally's face] I see. You're too bossy. How many cigars you've been smoking today? No, I'm not saying stop. I'm just saying cut down. [Sally talks unintelligibly while moaning, then The Cat is done with Sally; to Conrad] Now, you.
    Fish: Stop this right now!
    Conrad: Who said that?
    Fish: Me! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then nothing.
    Sally: The fish is talking.
    Cat: Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really.
    Fish: Hey, socks, can it! This cat should not be here. He should not be about. He should not be here when your mother is out.
    Cat: C'mon, kids! Ya gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees. [laughs]
    Announcer: Live from the kitchen, the following is a paid commercial announcement for Astounding Products.
    The Guy in the Sweater: Hi! Welcome to Astounding Products. [applause] I'm your host, the guy in the sweater who asks all the obvious questions. Now, here to tell us about his astounding product for making cupcakes, all the way from Cheshire, England, please welcome...
    Cheshire Cat: ME! Hello! [applause] Now...Hello. I'm so excited! Do you love making cupcakes but hate all the hard cupcake work?
    The Guy in the Sweater: I know I do. [laughs]
    Cheshire Cat: [slides appliances off the counter] Well, forget everything you know about making cupcakes and say hello... [brings out the Cupcake-Inator] ...for the amazing Cupcake-Inator. I'm so excited! [laughs]
    The Guy in the Sweater: Cupcake-a-what?
    Cheshire Cat: [the crowd joins in] CUPCAKE-INATOR! Alright, this amazing device can instantly make cupcakes out of anything that you have in the kitchen.
    The Guy in the Sweater: Wait a minute, did you say "anything"?
    Cheshire Cat: Anything!
    The Guy in the Sweater: Anything?
    Cheshire Cat: Yes, anything.
    The Guy in the Sweater: Anything?
    Cheshire Cat: Anything.
    The Guy in the Sweater: Anything?
    Cheshire Cat: [turns to the guy in the sweater] I'll get you and it'll look like a bloody accident! [the crowd laughs] Anything. Now, let's see, take off the lid. [says what he puts in the Cupcake-Inator] You can put in, I don't know why, a carton of eggs.
    The Guy in the Sweater: [amazed] What the...?!
    Cheshire Cat: How about a pack of hot dogs?
    The Guy in the Sweater: [laughing] That's incredible!
    Cheshire Cat: Why not some ketchup?
    The Guy in the Sweater: Yes, why not?!
    Cheshire Cat: How about...? I know what you're thinking. Even a fire extinguisher. There we go. [closes the lid] Now, close for the lid and Bob's your flippin' uncle.
    The Guy in the Sweater: What an astounding product! [laughs]
    The Cat in the Hat: Oh yeah!
    Cheshire Cat: Open for the drawer. [drawer open] Fill up the patented Cupcake-Inator tray. [a purple solution pours out] Close for the drawer. [drawer closes] Then place it in a conventional oven. [applause while the guy in the sweater dances and the Cupcake-Inator is placed in the oven] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.
    The Guy in the Sweater: Did you just say "minutes away"? [the crowd joins in] That's impossible!
    Cheshire Cat: You're not just wrong, you're stupid. [the crowd groans]
    The Guy in the Sweater: Now wait just a minute...
    Cheshire Cat: And your ugly, just like your mum.
    The Guy in the Sweater: Did you just call my mother ugly?
    Cheshire Cat: [holds up a meat cutter] OH, SHUT UP! I MEAN IT! I WILL END YOU!!! [grunts as he cuts off his tail, leaving Conrad, Sally and the Cat staring in disbelief]
    Sally: Ah, Cat, your tail.
    Cheshire Cat: What about me? Oh, I see. I've chopped it off. Well, that's interesting because... [sees his tail cut in half] SON OF A BI-
    [A loud and long bleep is heard, along with The Cat covering Conrad and Sally's Eyes, the Guy in the Sweater makes the screen go for the "Hang in There, Baby!"]
    Cat: Look, I'm not saying we're going to sue. I'm just saying we have a case. We'll talk later. Ixnay, ixnay.
    Conrad: Cat, is the oven supposed to be making that sound?
    Cat: Of course. That means they're almost done, Conrack.
    Conrad: Conrad.
    Cat: That's what I said, Condor.
    Conrad: Cat!
    Cat: Now, that's my name! Yep. They're done!
    Conrad: Oh, man!
    The Cat: [holding Joan's dress] Look, I'm a girl. [purrs and wipes the purple stuff off the wall, Sally and Conrad are horrified]
    Sally: STOP! THAT'S...
    Conrad and Sally: MOM'S DRESS!!!
    The Cat: [shocked] This filthy thing?
    Sally: She was gonna wear that tonight, AND YOU RUINED IT!
    The Cat: Honey, it was ruined when she bought it. [snaps his fingers two times] Mmmm, mmmm, yeah, [snaps his fingers two times again] mmm, mmm, yeah, mmmmm-mmmmmm...
    The Fish: I told you all of this would happen. But no one listens to a fish! [the Cat groans] A dog goes woof-woof and everybody knows that a little Timmy's trapped under a log, but a fish speaks plain English.
    Thing 2: Don't belittle me.
    Cat: Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears for the number 2 does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1.
    Thing 2: And all of the above.
    Cat: He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also except Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-Da or Ben.
    Thing 2: [chuckles] "Ben".
    [Thing 1 jabbers incoherently]
    Cat: Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand. [for the Things bickering] Okay, enough! You're quickly turning into one of my least favorite Things! [closes for the crate after Conrad opened it] Listen, Convex, you probably don't wanna do that.
    Conrad: Why not? It's just a crate.
    Cat: This isn't just any ol' crate. It's for the Transdimensional Transportolator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.
    Conrad: But it says "Made in the Philippines".
    Cat: Yes, but not this Philippines. Look. Now I'm not usually a rules guy, but this is a biggie. No opening for the crate. No looky, no touchy. Got it?
    Thing 1: Mekka-dekka we should settle our differences.
    [The Cat holds up a crab-shaped lock, crawls and holds from the open handle at the crate]
    [Conrad and Sally notice the Cat's car]
    Conrad: Wow! That is so cool!
    Cat: That's just the dust cover. [removes cover, exposing an unusual car] Here she is! The Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.
    Sally: S-L-O-W?
    Cat: Yeah, SLOW. It's better than the last name we had, Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
    Conrad: Oh! You mean SH-
    Cat: [cutting Conrad off] Oh! Quick to the SLOW! [chortles as he, Conrad an Sally get in] Buckle up, kids. We're on a mission to get that dog, and we will not rest until we find and destroy it.
    Conrad: RESCUE IT!
    Cat: Rescue it! Of course I meant rescue it. Whatever. Remember kids, there's nothing faster than SLOW. That's backwards! It makes no sense. Look at you! Argh! Okay, here we go. GPS check. DVD/CD, check. Someone from Czechoslovakia is a...Czech. [chortles as he puts the fish on top] Siren!
    Fish: What are you - what - Siren? [the jets shoot fire, screams]
    Cat: Let's go!!!
    [The house is destroyed]
    Cat: [jumping excitedly] I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! [notices Sally and Conrad] Okay, we did it.
    Sally: I don't think we did anything.
    Conrad: [angry] The place is still a wreck. Cat, you said if we shut the crate, everything would be okay, but it's not. It's a complete disaster!
    Cat: Well, what are you gonna do? [in a tennis outfit] Tennis, anyone? [swings a tennis racket, then opens his hat, pouring out red-and-white tennis balls; he sniffs one] Ooh...Love that new ball smell.
    Conrad: [surprised] Hey. Your hat. It's magic again?
    Cat: Oops. Well, now that the cat's out of the bag, to use an archaic and cruel-sounding metaphor, why don't you serve first?
    Sally: You had your real hat this whole time?
    Cat: Uh-yup. I planned the whole day. [wheezing laugh]
    Conrad: What do you mean you planned the whole day? All of it?
    Cat: Uh-yup.
    Sally: The house getting trashed?
    Cat: Uh-yup.
    Conrad: Quinn taking Nevins?
    Cat: Uh-yup.
    Sally: Cutting off your tail?
    Cat: Uh-nope. [a piece of the house falls behind him with a crash, startling him]
    Conrad: You even knew I'd open the crate?
    Cat: Why do ya think I made it my one rule? I knew you couldn't resist. Now, who's up for a game of Canadian doubles? [serves a ball, which shatters a window]
    Sally: Cat, you said nothing bad would happen.
    Conrad: Cat, you need to get out.
    Cat: I don't know that game.
    Conrad: Not a game. None of this is a game.
    Cat: [starts to become dejected] But I thought you two wanted to have fun today.
    Conrad: Look around, Cat! You were right. It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how, and you don't know when enough is enough! Now go!
    Cat: [now sad] Suzy...Cromwell...Please...
    Sally and Conrad: [pointing] OUT!!! [the Cat sadly turns to leave, but then comes back, about to say something] OUT!!!
    [Another piece of the house falls, as the Cat sadly walks out the door]
    Cat: Okay. Section 8, article, 93, subparagraph 834. Right by the chili stain. Heh heh. It reads "If Conrad, aka Concrete, should open the crate, the contract shall be null and void". [Conrad and Sally look down in despair] "However, if Sally and Conrad should learn from their mistakes, the contract shall be reinstated". And I think you 2 have satisfied the legal burden of learning.
    Both: YEAH!!!
    Cat: So there's just one last game to play. It's called "clean up the house". Kids, meet the Dynamic Industrial Renovating Tractormajigger.
    Both: D-I-R-T?
    Cat: That's right! [wheezing laugh]
    [Proceeds to clean the whole house during the Beatles remix song "Getting Better" by Smash Mouth in the background]
    Cat: Okay. We had some good times. We cleaned up the house. We even managed to work in an up-tempo pop tune for the soundtrack, that's important. I guess there's just one last thing to check. [takes out his phunometer and uses it on Conrad and Sally as it reads "Just Right"] Looks like everything's in balance. [to Sally] But you're still smoking way too many cigars. [to Conrad] And you, lay off the sauce! [puts away his phunometer]
    Sally: Cat, this day has been...amazing. Thank you, Cat.
    Conrad: [embraces Sally] For everything.
    Cat: [smiles] Conrad? Sally? Adieu. [leaves for the back door]
    Sally: CAT?!
    Conrad: CAT?!
    Sally: Wait, Cat!
    Conrad: Don't go!
    Cat: Aw, now what? [hears the front door] Oh!

## Taglines

* The ultimate game of cat and house.
* Don't mess with the hat.
* The Cat is Back!
* Cats with hats only.

## Cast

* Mike Myers — The Cat
* Alec Baldwin — Larry
* Kelly Preston — Joan
* Dakota Fanning — Sally
* Spencer Breslin — Conrad
* Amy Hill — Mrs. Kwan
* Sean Hayes — Mr. Humberfloob, Voice of the Fish
* Danielle Chuchran Taylor Rice — Thing 1
* Brittany Oaks Talia-Lynn Prairie — Thing 2
* Dan Castellaneta — Voice of the Things
* Bugsy Frank Welker (vocal effects) — Nevins
* Narrated by Victor Brandt