# What's Up, Doc?

What's Up, Doc? is a 1972 film about four identical plaid overnight bags and the people who own them.
Story by Peter Bogdanovich. Screenplay by Buck Henry and David Newman & Robert Benton. Directed by Peter Bogdanovich.

## Judy Maxwell

* ...not as much as I am in the metamorphic or sedimentary rock categories. I mean I can take your igneous rocks or leave them. I relate primarily to micas, quartz, feldspar. You can keep your pyroxenes, magnetites and coarse-grained plutonics as far as I'm concerned...
* Eunice!? This is a person named Eunice?
* I love those old Ventegums.
* It so happens, Mr. Simon, that Howard has had discussions with Leonard Bernstein about the possibility of conducting an avalanche ... in E flat.
* Hi, Room Service, this is Room 1717. I would like a double-thick roast beef sandwich medium rare on rye bread with mustard on the top, mayonnaise on the bottom, and a coffee hot fudge sundae with a large bottle of diet anything. You got that? Yeah, Room 1717. Oh, and Room Service, would you put it in the hall outside the door. I mean, don’t bring it in or knock on the door because I’m just putting my little one to sleep. Thank you.
* What do you think I am, a piece of ripe fruit you can squeeze the juice out of and cast aside?
* Why Ms. Burns, what are you doing in Mr. Banister's bedroom? Don't you know the meaning of propriety?

## Dr. Howard Bannister

* ...you are not Burnsy. Burnsy is Burnsy, I mean Eunice is Burnsy, I mean she isn't Burnsy. Nobody is Burnsy.
* It's the television set, Eunice. There's a movie on—a war movie. They're getting dressed for the big battle.
* Well, there's not much to see actually, we're inside a Chinese dragon.
* The point is, the point is... oh god, I've forgotten my point.

## Eunice Burns

* Why, those are Howard's. What on Earth are you doing with Howard Bannister's rocks?
* Don't kick those rocks, you Philistine!
* Don’t you know the meaning of propriety?

## Hugh Simon

* There is an old Croatian saying, Bollixter, which goes...
* I find that story as difficult to swallow as I do this potage au gelée.
* I myself have a little announcement to make, that may be of some interest. My natural curiosity was aroused, an so I did a little research on Mr. Bankister and Miss Burns, and I think--
* The slight mistake, Mesdames and Messieurs, is in the so-called identity of these alleged colleagues. I don't know who he is, but she is definitely not herself.
* For God's sake, don't shoot me, I'm part Italian.

## Frederick Larrabee

* This is inexcusable. You can't come in here uninvited.
* Who is that dangerously unbalanced woman?
* Don't you dare strike that brave unbalanced woman!

## Fritz

* Snakes, as you know, live in mortal fear of tile.
* You will tell her you are smitten with her, that you had followed her all evening, and you will make passionate love to her.
* There is no Hans. There is only me, Fritz.

## Taxi Driver

* I know how you feel, mister. I hate it when my igneous rocks are even touched!

## Judge Maxwell

* You've made me smash my Life Savers.
* Tell them to bring straight jacket! In assorted sizes!
* Do you see this yellow pill? You know what it's for? It's to remind me to take this blue pill!
* I will get to the bottom of this if it takes me the rest of my life, which may end at any minute!

## Dialogue

    Eunice: Howard! Howard Bannister! Howard, when I ask for you to wait for me somewhere I expect you to stay there until I come back.
    Howard: Yes, Eunice.
    Eunice: Now, it is difficult enough for me to have to see to all these arrangements myself...
    Howard: Yes, Eunice.
    Eunice: It is exactly 6:15. If we reach the hotel in half an hour, we'll have just enough time to get ready for the banquet.
    Howard: Yes, Eunice.
    Eunice: [to the airport attendant] Put these things in a taxi.
    Airport Attendant Yes, Eunice.
    Judge Maxwell: You there; you in the blanket! You seem to have caused all this trouble. Exactly what have you got to say for yourself...? [The mystery figure lowers the blanket, revealing herself as...] ...JUDY!?
    Judy: ...Hello, Daddy.
    Judge Maxwell: [as if he might cry] Oh, Judy, not again!! This is an ELECTION YEAR!! [Judy shrugs, as her father's bench collapses]
    Judy: Aw c'mon, Steve, you don't want to marry Eunice.
    Howard: I'm not Steve. I'm Howard.
    Judy: Well neither of you wants to marry Eunice.
    Howard: Why do you say that?
    Judy: Because you don't want to marry someone who's gonna get all wrinkled, lined, and flabby.
    Howard: Everybody gets wrinkled, lined, and flabby!
    Judy: By next week?
    Fritz: Young miss, may I help you please?
    Judy: Yes, I was wondering if my friends are still here. They're visiting from the um... New Hebrides and I believe they're in Room 1717.
    Fritz: I'm sorry, but that room is vacant.
    Judy: I don't understand. They told me they would be in Room 1717 at the Hotel Crystal.
    Fritz: This is the Bristol, madam, not the Crystal.
    Judy: Then one of us must be in the wrong hotel.
    Fritz: Ah, Mrs. Van Hoskins. It's so nice to have you back with us.
    Mrs. Van Hoskins: Thank you, Hans.
    Fritz: Fritz.
    Mrs. Van Hoskins: What happened to Hans?
    Fritz: There is no Hans, Mrs. Van Hoskins, there is only me, Fritz.
    Mrs. Van Hoskins: Oh, what a shame!
    Fritz: [ringing his bell] Boy!
    Mrs. Van Hoskins: Now Franz, I'm going to take this with me. There are some things I need tonight, and tomorrow I want you to put it in the hotel safe for me.
    Howard: [to the bellhop] Don't touch that. Those are my pre-Paleozoic Tambulu rocks.
    Fritz: Don't touch his rocks.
    Eunice: Where have you been?
    Howard: I had a little trouble in the drug store.
    Judy: Steve, you didn't tell me you were married.
    Howard: We're not married.
    Judy: Congratulations.
    Eunice: But we will be soon.
    Judy: Condolences.
    Eunice: [to Howard] Who is this person?
    Howard: I haven't the vaguest idea. She was behind a rock in the drug store.
    Judy: Oh come on Steve, you can tell her about us.
    Eunice: Why is she calling you that name?
    Howard: Don't pay any attention to her, Eunice. [turning to Judy] Look, Miss Maxwell--
    Eunice: You know her name.
    Howard: Eunice, I swear this is a bizarre joke.
    Judy: Sure, it's easy for you, everywhere you go, another heart broken--women, women, women. You call it joking. Eunice and I, we call it lust.
    Eunice: Don't you know the meaning of propriety?
    Judy: Propriety? Noun. Conformity to established standards of behavior or manners, suitability, rightness, or justice. See "etiquette."
    Judy: ...it's probably the excitement of meeting you for the first time. I must say, I can feel it myself.
    Mr. Larrabee: Oh can you?
    Judy: Can I?! My heart is going a mile a minute. Why, you can just feel it pounding. Can't you feel it?
    Mr. Larrabee: Yes, I think I can. I... Yes, it's absolutely... it's certainly in there pounding... it's amazing. [to the others at the table] You should feel it gentlemen. [gentlemen rise]
    Mr. Larrabee: Sit DOWN, gentlemen!
    Mr. Larrabee: I must point out that "foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds."
    Judy: Emerson!
    Mr. Larrabee: I beg your pardon my dear?
    Judy: Ralph Waldo Emerson, born 1803, died 1882.
    Mr. Larrabee: You like Emerson?
    Judy: I adore him!
    Mr. Larrabee: I adore anyone who adores Emerson.
    Judy: And I adore anyone who adores anyone who adores Emerson. Your turn.
    Howard: [Somebody knocks; the doorknob falls off] Come in; it's broken - I mean, it's open. [Kaltenborn enters] Good morning.
    Mr. Kaltenborn: No, I don't think so. I'm Mr. Kaltenborn, the manager of what's left of the hotel.
    Howard: I'm sorry about the mess here. Usually this kind of thing doesn't happen to me.
    Mr. Kaltenborn: Doctor Bannister, I have a message for you from the staff of the hotel.
    Howard: What is it?
    Mr. Kaltenborn: Goodbye.
    Howard: That's the entire message?
    Mr. Kaltenborn: We would appreciate it, if you would check out.
    Howard: When?
    Mr. Kaltenborn: Yesterday.
    Howard: That soon?
    Mr. Kaltenborn: We'll settle for immediately.
    Delivery boy: I want my bike back!
    Judge Maxwell: I'll give you your bike back. I'll give you a broken back!
    Mr. Larrabee: They broke into my home.
    Judge Maxwell: That's breaking and entering.
    Mr. Larrabee: And they brought her with them forcibly.
    Judge Maxwell: That's kidnapping.
    Eunice: They tried to molest me.
    Judge Maxwell: That's... unbelievable.
    Howard: First, there was this trouble between me and Hugh.
    Judge Maxwell: You and me?
    Howard: No, not you, Hugh.
    Hugh: I am Hugh.
    Judge Maxwell: You are me?
    Hugh: No, I am Hugh.
    Judge Maxwell: Stop saying that. Make him stop saying that.
    Hugh: Don't touch me, I'm a doctor.
    Judge Maxwell: Of what?
    Hugh: Music.
    Judge Maxwell: Can you fix a hi-fi?
    Hugh: No, sir.
    Judge Maxwell: Then shut up!
    [at 1:28]
    Frederick Larrabee: C'est la vie.
    Hugh Simon: C'est la guerre.
    Judy Maxwell: C'est la dreck.
    Judy Maxwell: [Talking so Howard can hear]: No, no. I'm a transfer student. No, not the University -- the Conservatory of Music. It's in Ames. You never heard of it? Well, it's a small conservatory, but there are those who love it. There's a professor there whom I hope to be studying with. A brilliant man by the name of Howard Bannister. No, Bannister. As in: sliding down the. You never heard of him? Yeah, that's right! The nut with the rocks! What's up, Doc?
    Howard: Did you know that I love you?
    Judy Maxwell: Yes.
    Howard: You did? Do?
    Judy Maxwell: Listen, kiddo. You can't fight a tidal wave.
    [They kiss]
    Howard: About those things. I mean, the way I acted back there. I'm sorry.
    Judy Maxwell: Let me tell you something. Love means never having to say you're sorry.
    Howard: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
    [They kiss again]

## Taglines

* A screwball comedy. Remember them?

## Cast

* Barbra Streisand — Judy Maxwell
* Ryan O'Neal — Dr. Howard Bannister
* Madeline Kahn — Eunice Burns
* Kenneth Mars — Hugh Simon
* Austin Pendleton — Frederick Larrabee

## See also

* What's Up, Doc, a 1950 animated short film starting Bugs Bunny.
* What's Up Doc?, a UK Saturday morning children's show in the early 1990s.

## External links

* What's Up, Doc? (1972) quotes at the Internet Movie Database
* What's Up, Doc? (1972) at Rotten Tomatoes