# Eight Crazy Nights

Eight Crazy Nights is a 2002 American adult animated black comedy musical parody film that revolving around Davey Stone, the local Upstate New York small town resident havoc wreaking misanthropic recidivist Jewish man who hates all things related to the Christian holidays of Christmas as well as the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah.
    Directed by Seth Kearsley and written by Adam Sandler, Brooks Arthur, Allen Covert and Brad Isaacs.

## Narrator

* [Referring to Christmas/Hanukkah holidays] It ain't a better time of year. You got no school, you can eat like a pig, and people give you stuff. Kind of makes you feel all tingly inside, doesn't it? But you know what? There are some buffoons out there who actually can't stand the holiday season. And seeing other people enjoy the festivities... gets them even more disgusted. In fact, the head honcho of holiday humbug... lives right here in little old dukesberry. His name's Davey Stone. That fool's in the China dragon... coming up with his own way of feeling tingly all over. At one time, Davey was a super student, super athlete... super sweet, super kid and the apple of his parents' eye. Now, he's just a 33-year-old, crazy Jewish guy... who lives for making this town as miserable as he is... especially on the first night of Hanukkah. How'd he end up this way? Let's save that for later... because right now, Davey's about to get himself into some serious trouble.

## Davey Stone

* [To Whitey after toppling the port-a-pottie with him in it down a hill] Smell ya later, poopsicle.
* [To Whitey, after his trailer has been destroyed] I should stick you on a twig and roast you!
* [Davey comes over to see a disgusting sight: Whitey’s butt cheeks are covered with white, furry hair as Whitey puts a jock strap on] Ugh! Jeezum crow! Did I just see two Persian cats on your ass? I think I’m gonna [sustains a burp] BA...RF...!
* JENNIFER! JENNIFER! What's the matter with the way I live my life?! Huh, Jennifer?! Where are you?! At home, reading your baby boy a bedtime story, while he sucks his thumb and goes pee-pee on his blanket?! AW, HORSESHIT!
* [Opens a flask in before courtroom judge] Your honor, I still got a pretty good jump shot. Let me show you. [He takes a drink of whiskey, and then jumps very quickly, and not very far, then court spectators all disapprovingly shake their heads] I’d hit a three-pointer, except I’d have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.
* [Referring to obese boy on basketball court] Foul on this kid, for eating everything in sight. Jelly-jugs, the next time you come onto my court, you better wear a bra, okay?
* Of course Whitey wouldn't understand what getting flipped off means. He's so behind the times, he thinks Viagra's a big waterfall. But there is one thing he knows.
* [To Whitey] You actually give a crap about winning a patch?
* [To the mayor sarcastically thanking him for destroying the ice sculpture] I didn't do it for you. [Does air plank lifting gestures] I did it for the ladies. [Women walking by respond incredulously]
* Good night, mayor! And the answer to your question is Spencer's gifts. They definitely have furry underwear!

## Whitey Duval

* Technical foul! Technical foul!
* [To Davey who rejects living with Whitey after his trailer is ablaze] What other options do you got, Rockefeller?!
* [In a seizure at the end of the film] This is the happiest seizure of my life.
* [When Davey obnoxiously burps in his face] Your horn works, try the lights!

## Eleanor

* [Thinks Davey is holding their house up] Mister, if you're gonna kill us, will you take off your wet shoes? You're soaking the carpet.

## Mr. Chang

* [When recognition ceremony banquet guests recount abusing Whitey] How could you all be so mean to Whitey? Sound to me like you are all on crack!

## Women's undergarment mall outlet staffer

* [To obese boy trying on a bra] Aren't you a boy? [Obese boy runs out sobbing]

## Dialogue

    Mr. Chang: 4 scorpion bowls in 5 minutes? That's got to be a restaurant record.
    Davey: Well, right now, I'm gonna go for another restaurant record, longest burp.
    [Davey sustains a loud burp with all restaurant patrons then staring at him]
    Mr. Chang: [Sarcastically] Congratulations! Now, please excuse me while I go take shower.
    Police officer: [Davey walks out intoxicated to his vehicle with his keys out] Hope you're not planning on driving tonight, Stone.
    Davey: No, officer. I'm just going to say good night to my car, then walk home and enjoy the holiday decorations. [To vehicle] Listen, sweetheart. I have to leave you here alone tonight... But don't you worry, I'll be back first thing in the morning. Now, behave yourself, and don't stay up too late. Nighty-night. All right, baby. But let's make this quick. [Starts humping vehicle] Oh, mama! You like it when I hold you like this?! Because I'll do it all night long! So sweet! Yes, so precious! I love you, car!
    Mr. Chang: [Bursts out restaurant] He dine and dash me! He chew and screw me! He sip and skip me!
    Police officer: What?
    Mr. Chang: He no pay for his four scorpion bowl! [Davey flees]
    Davey: Oh, boy.
    Police officer: Get him!
    Man: Come back here, you jerk!
    Police officer: Somebody stop that guy!
    Davey: [Grabs a trashcan lid and slides down stair railings and surfs through alleys and streets] I'm the kind of guy who can't stand a holiday so I drink them all away, that's me, I don't decorate no trees and I won't eat no potato latkes but [[w:[Breast fetishism|squeezes a woman at chest level viewed from behind] I'll give this old lady's melons a squeeze that's just who I am]], well, [woman turns around to reveal actual melons] I'll never spin a dreidel, but I'll always throw an egg and I'll Charley horse your leg for laughs while you're singing your holiday tunes, I'm acting like the town buffoon, [to carolers] whipping out my big, white, scary moon and blowing a beef your way, I hate folks who think reindeer are cute to me they're just something to shoot, [throws snowballs at deer with a couple and son glaring annoyedly] I hate love, I hate you, I hate me well, [goes into a garage and drives a snowmobile out] I'm a snowmobile-stealing no 'tis-the-season-feeling kind of guy this time of year sucks, so I take my nun-chucks and [destroys snowmen along a street] make sure every snowman dies, believing in Santa's all wrong and Hanukkah's eight nights too long, [Drives snowmobile crashing into ice statue] I hate love, I hate you, I hate me...
    Police officer: [Jostling through crowd on a frozen lake] Coming through.
    Davey: I hate love, I hate you, I hate me...
    Crowd: Davey Stone, you're nothing but a delinquent!
    Judge: Stone, what the heck are we going to do with you? In the past twenty years, I’ve sent you to reform school, the drunk tank, the local psychiatric ward. Not one of those places has made you change an ounce for the better. ‘Cause you used to be a good kid, playing ball for the Jewish Community Center, with the best jump shot this town’s ever seen.
    Davey: [Opens the flask] Your honor, I still got a pretty good jump shot. Let me show you. [Takes a drink of whiskey, and then jumps very quickly, and not very far] I’d hit a three-pointer, except I’d have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.
    Judge: Stone, you leave me no choice. I’m gonna really have to crack down hard this time.
    Whitey: [Chiming in, with his fore head seen a little in the seating area] Your honor, if it pleases the court, I’d like to interject for a moment.
    Mr. Chang: What the hell was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet, or am I going crazy?
    Whitey: [Shows himself by stepping out into the aisle with his Cain] No, Mr. Chang. It’s me, Whitey Duvall. And a happy first night of Chanukah to you.
    Mr. Chang: I’m not Jewish.
    Whitey: Neither am I, but that don’t stop me from enjoying a holiday.
    Judge: Whitey, we went over this two months ago. It’s your last year of reffing the youth league basketball. You’re turning 70 years old and our insurance company says they won’t cover you anymore.
    Whitey: Ha, ha. No, no, no. My interjection pertains to the case currently under adjudication. You see, I knew this young man years ago when his moral fiber was still intact.
    Judge: Whitey, what are you getting at?
    Whitey: Why not sentence him to be a referee-in-training for the youth league basketball? I’ve seen some pretty rowdy kids turn into perfect gentlemen after spending time on my court.
    Judge: If that happened with Stone, it would be a miracle.
    Whitey: Well, it is the holidays and those kinda things have been known to happen this time of year.
    Judge: Whitey, if you want to work with this punk, then God bless you. But Mr. Stone, what Whitey says goes. And if I hear that you break one law, I will send you to the state penitentiary for no less than 10 years.
    Davey: Huh?
    Judge: Happy holidays. [Pounds his gavel, adjourning the trial]
    Davey: Oh, God.
    Davey: [To obese kid] Foul on this kid for eating everything in sight. Jelly jugs, next time you come on my court, you better wear a bra. Okay?
    Whitey: He was just kidding, son. You've got very nice boobs.
    Audience: Jerk! Idiot!
    Davey: You don't like that?! How about you throw something at me! I dare you!
    Man: With pleasure!
    Whitey: They're scratching up my floor! Here comes a seizure! This will pass in a second, kids. Don't be scared.
    Kid: Is he break dancing?
    Davey: Okay, that's it. Game over. Nobody wants to see an old man die. Fatty's team loses because I want to see him cry again.
    Whitey: I want to talk to you in my office.
    Davey: Why the hell are we at the mall?
    Whitey: You need to clean your brain out. And to me, the mall is the best place to do that.
    Davey: What's good about this place?
    Whitey: What's good about it? Everything. You want a pair of socks? My buddy, Mr. Foot Locker, will warm your feet. You need a fancy doodad? Hello, Sharper Image. Thanks for the combination pogo stick clock radio. I mean, The Body Shop, the Tie Rack... GNC, RadioShack... Petland for a cat or two, Spencer's Gifts for some fake dog doo... Sbarro's, Dunkin' Donuts, they're simply the best. And don't forget the orange chicken at panda express. But if you're short of cash like little old me... The window shopping's always free.
    Davey: [After a song] Did you prepare that or did you rhyme that many times in a row by accident?
    Whitey: Yeah, that was weird, wasn't it?
    Davey: Maybe you are a leprechaun.
    Whitey: Now, I'd like to make this work out. But in order to do so, you're going to have to learn... that youth basketball ain't about you and your lack of respect for others. It's about the kids and teaching them responsibility and teamwork. I've been doing my part for 35 years. Are you ready to join me, big guy? [Drops fries on tray and arranges them to spell out; "Bite Me"] Joke's on you, tough guy. I can't read.
    Jennifer: Special delivery for Whitey duvall, sugar-free doughnuts.
    Whitey: Every day she does this for me. Jennifer, you're too much. My fraternal twin sister's a diabetic... And out of respect for her and her disease, I don't eat sugar products.
    Jennifer: There's a surprise in there you'll like.
    Whitey: Don't tell me it's bavarian cream-filled. [Takes a bite] It is bavarian cream-filled! Hubba-bubba! These babies make my taste buds do double daffies, for gosh sakes.
    Whitey: Wow, Benjamin, an etch a sketch. Not too shabby.
    Davey: That's a game boy, you idiot.
    Whitey: Sorry, I'm not up on modern technology.
    Davey: [To Jennifer walking away] Your girlfriend's backyard isn't sugar-free. That baby looks sweet.
    Whitey: [furiously Grabs a french fry and angrily throws it on floor] Technical foul! Technical foul! That's a lady, and you will not speak about her that way!
    Davey: Easy.
    Whitey: She's going through a tough time now. Last spring, her husband of 13 years ups and leaves her... For a woman he met on the computer. She had the courage to move back a month ago to try and raise her boy alone.
    Davey: So she's available?
    Whitey: You wish, Mac. You blew your shot with her 20 years ago.
    Davey: Twenty years? Was that Jennifer Friedman?
    Whitey: I'm surprised you have enough brain cells left to remember.
    Young Davey: [Flashback to early teens] Hey, Jennifer, you still coming over to watch Dukes of Hazzard after the game?
    Young Jennifer : [Flashes a thumbs-up] That's a big 10-4, Davey.
    Davey: [Eating Peanut Brittle while riding with Whitey]
    Whitey: How are those peanut brittle?
    Davey: Crunchy and delicious.
    Whitey: Funny, I don't remember Jessie or Denise ringing you up a purchase.
    Davey: I guess that means I stole it, doesn't it? [Whitey gets pissed and has a panic attack, which causes him to swerve the car] Easy seizure boy!
    Whitey: [Enragedly] That's it! I'm calling the judge!
    Davey: [Getting annoyed] Go ahead, I'll be on the first bus out of here. I ain't spending ten years in prison.
    Whitey: Maybe I'll take you in myself. Don't think you can intimidate me because of my size.
    Davey: [Sarcastically] What? You're smaller than me? I didn't know that.
    Whitey: Put me down! Put me down! [Gets Davey's hands off him and points to the car door] And get out of my car right now!
    Davey: [Sarcastically] Oh no! You're gonna make walk ten feet out there? Because that's where I live you idiot!
    Whitey: Oh!
    Davey: [Exits vehicle] Thanks for the ride Patchy! It was great patching with you, I guess I'll patch you later! [Closes the door]
    Whitey: I'm letting this one go, Stone! But the next screw up, it's slammin time! Hmh! Got any sand or rock salt in there? I need to get some traction.
    Davey: [Angrily mocks Whitey] "Got any sand or rock salt in there? 'Cause I need to get some..." Oh, shut up! [Davey goes into his trailer]
    Whitey: He could've at least given me a push or something.
    TV anchor: [Davey in his trailer] Closing, channel 36 would like to wish all of its Jewish viewers... the very happiest of Hanukkahs.
    Davey: Boo! [Unplugs TV]
    Davey: [Leaves a portable toilet after vomiting after binge-drinking]
    Whitey: That’s what happens when you hit the bottle pal, you go to sleep in Dukesberry you wake up in Pukesberry. Hehe, Pukesberry.
    Davey: [Gets pissed off, angrily shuts him in one of them and pushes it down]
    Whitey: [Walking out] The worst has happened... I'm covered in human feces...
    Davey: That's a good look for you, but how about is that I should probably spray you off? [Dementedly sprays Whitey with a hose freezing him] Smell You Later, Poopsicle. [Laughs evilly and walks away]
    Whitey: You're a fricking degenerate.
    Davey: I know I am.
    Whitey: A little help, please. [Deer start licking him] Your tongues tickle. They tickle. You are right. That was gross.
    Davey: Thumbelina, there's no kids playing. Why'd you tell me to come?
    Whitey: I thought you could use a refresher course on b-ball rules and regulations.
    Davey: You're nuts. I'm going to go pound a few.
    Whitey: First of all, you booze, you lose. And secondly, if you don't turn around... Officer Sherman over there'll know of the infamous peanut brittle incident.
    Davey: [Referring to Benjamin] What's with the dunkin' munchkin?
    Whitey: His mom had to do a double shift so I'm watching him till she can get here. Now, both of you cop a squat next to me and let's observe.
    Benjamin: Eat that nutstrap, BI-YATCH!
    Jennifer: Benjamin?
    Prank caller: Hello? Hi, is Ophelia there?
    Eleanor: Ophelia who?
    Prank caller: Ophelia hiney.
    Eleanor: Oh, feel my hiney?! You hoodlums better bring my wig back! I know it was you! [Hangs up and Davey enters the house] It's a home-invasion robbery! Take whatever you want, but please don't chop my legs off!
    Whitey: It's okay, Eleanor, it's okay!
    Eleanor: Whitey, thank God you're here! We're being robbed by a lunatic! Mister, if you're going to kill us, take off your wet shoes. They're soaking the carpet!
    Whitey: Eleanor, that's Davey Stone, my new partner.
    Eleanor: The criminal?! Did he force you to bring him here so he could molest you?!
    Whitey: His home just went up in flames. So I invited him to stay with us for a while.
    Eleanor: Okay, but I'm making an inventory... of every single item in this house!
    Davey: Fascinating.
    Eleanor: Look! He already stole something. He's hiding it in his jacket.
    Davey: I didn't steal this. It's a card my parents gave me.
    Eleanor: So why don't you go stay with them?
    Davey: They died.
    Eleanor: My bad.
    Davey: [Takes out a flask] Here's to you guys for letting me crash over.
    Eleanor: Alcohol in our house? This is never going to work.
    Whitey: It will. We just need to set some rules so Davey knows how we do things here.
    Eleanor: I'm scared.
    Whitey: Look. You gotta understand it's just been me and Eleanor for 67 years... so she gets nervous around strangers.
    Davey: [Referring to side table photo of Whitey and Eleanor as children] I wouldn't show that picture to anyone... or they may try to take you two back to the laboratory.
    Whitey: Listen. We got rules in this house... And you better follow them or you'll find yourself out of here.
    Davey: This might be harder than I thought.
    Whitey: [Starts singing] If you're coming from the street with dirty shoes on your feet that's a technical foul if you switch the radio to [does air quotes] some "modern" music show, that's a technical foul. If you don't shut the door after using the 'frigerator, that's (x2) a technical foul... if you touch the thermostat
    Eleanor: you'll get hit with a bat....
    Whitey: ...'cause that's a technical foul...
    Eleanor: ...you will feel my wrath...
    Whitey: If your hair clogs the drain...
    Eleanor: [swings around num-chuks] ...you'll know the meaning of pain...
    Whitey: ...'cause that's a technical foul...
    Eleanor: I'll show you no mercy! [Splits a board with head]
    Davey: Ho, this is such bullshit!
    Whitey: In this house, we say "bullspit" or...
    Whitey and Eleanor: ...it's (x2) a technical foul...
    Davey: Let me get this straight. You expect me to change my lifestyle in one night... Because you guys are a couple of psychotic control freaks?
    Whitey: You got it, bub. Or you can go rot in the gutter. It's up to you, Yankee doodle.
    Davey: I don't want to do that... but let me run a few questions by you so I don't screw up accidentally. If I don't spray Lysol after moving a bowel?
    Davey: That's a technical foul if I decide to wash my ass with your monogrammed towel?
    Whitey: That's a technical foul...
    Eleanor: [in ordinary voice] Please, say "hiney."
    Davey: [Points to Eleanor's feet] If I make fun of your crazy feeties or [motions to Eleanor] give sugar cookies to Miss Diabetes?
    Whitey: That's not only a technical foul... [in hushed voice] but possibly a homicide...
    Davey: Can I sleep past three?!
    Whitey: If you do, you'll get a "T"!
    Davey: Take a whiz in those flowers?!
    Whitey: I'll say, "hit the showers"
    Davey: [Slides down stair railings with a trombone with Whitey snatching it from him] Use this horn as a bong?!
    Whitey: Adios, Tommy Chong!
    Davey: Make some long-distance calls?!
    Whitey: You'll get a kick in the balls, oops!
    Davey: Can I walk around with my morning erection?
    Whitey: If you want an automatic ejection, 'cause that's a technical foul...
    Eleanor: But I'd like to see it anyway... [Waves a hand down with Davey making a face of revulsion] ...just kidding. [Flashes eyebrows]
    Davey: There are certain rules which apply in one's life with your sister, friends or imaginary wife, I can't believe I haven't killed myself here with wigs McGee and the furry elf they took my wig. I remember the look in their eyes, I guess I'll have to deal with your demands but please don't touch me with your alien hands, I got no right to growl the whistle, she's on the prowl...
    Eleanor: Without my wig, I look like an owl, hoo-hoo!
    Whitey: Oh, my God. Don't laugh at her. Or it's (x3) a technical foul... [In ordinary voice] Davey will have to make the best of this.
    Davey: I guess I got to make the best of this.
    Narrator: See. I told you. But that shouldn't be too hard for him. Even loners need company sometimes.
    Whitey: [In bathroom shaving] Shaving the chest.
    Eleanor: [Shaving eyebrow] Nobody needs a uni-brow.
    Jennifer: Where are your parents, anyways?
    Davey: I don't know. Hopefully, out getting me an Atari.
    Jennifer: All right, Davey! Come on! Let's go! We'll take that.
    Davey: Not today.
    Whitey: That kind of shitting makes me want to do the robot dance.
    Davey: Nice story. You can stop now.
    Eleanor: No, no, go on. Whitey, I'm mesmerized.
    Davey: Can we just go? I'm cold.
    Eleanor: I want to hear what happens next. It's like a fairy tale.
    Whitey: Unfortunately, this fairy tale doesn't have a happy ending. Davey was wondering where his parents were. Turns out they were on their way to the ball game... when a truck hit a patch of black ice and swerved into oncoming traffic. Mr. And Mrs. Stone tragically couldn't get out of the way in time. I couldn't believe something that horrible... could happen to a kid that nice. He walked right through that door and into foster home after foster home... until his 18th birthday.
    Eleanor: Oh, my. You poor, poor boy. What in heaven's name did you do?
    Davey: Let's just get off of this.
    Whitey: He didn't know how to handle it. What 12-year-old kid would? He basically shut down.
    Jennifer: Davey, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say.
    Davey: There's nothing to say. My parents are dead. Happy Hanukkah. Now, leave me alone.
    Eleanor: That's the saddest story I've ever heard. [Starts sobbing then breathes a sigh of satisfaction]
    Davey: [Annoyedly] Hey, I'm out of here. I don't need this symphony crap.
    Whitey: Maybe it's time you stop running from your emotions.
    Davey: [Enragedly] I'm not. I'm running from two crybabies who won't shut up about something that isn't any of their business.
    Eleanore: You know, I read recently in Reader's Digest that people who let themselves cry when they're hurting are often stronger than the people who try to hold all their pain inside.
    Davey: [Enragedly] Did you read anything about a deformed referee who spends 35 years trying to win some STUPID PATCH... [angrily points to Whitey] so he can pretend people actually like him?!
    Eleanor: Which month was that in?
    Whitey: [Seriously] Take that back!
    Davey: [Furiously grabs Whitey by the jacket] Listen, if they have an award for the freakiest looking fraternal twins... who nobody even gives a crap about, you two are definitely winning. But that patch thing ain't ever gonna happen for you... because the truth is, [enragedly screams at Whitey] nobody in this town even knows you EXIST! [Jennifer and Benjamin look up concernedly]
    Eleanor: [Angrily calls Davey an animal] You're an animal!
    Davey: [Angrily snatches off her wig] And You're bald!
    Eleanor: Not again! [She faints]
    Whitey: You're not welcome in my house!
    Davey: [Pissed off] Good! Your house sucks!
    Jennifer: Do you have to be nasty to everyone who tries to help you?
    Davey: [Angrily throws Eleanor's wig at Jennifer] That's my problem! [With Eleanor's wig landing on Mr. Chang's head]
    Mr. Chang: He just a no-goodnik, and I am the real Kristi Yamaguchi.

## Taglines

* It's naughty. It's nice. It's animated.
* The Ultimate Battle Between Naughty And Nice.

## Cast

* Adam Sandler - Davey Stone/Whitey Duvall/Eleanore Duvall
* Jackie Titone (Alison Krauss, singing) - Jennifer Friedman
* Austin Scout - Benjamin Friedman
* Allen Covert - Old lady / Bus driver / Mayor's wife
* Rob Schneider - Narrator / Mr. Chang
* Kevin Nealon - Mayor Dewey
* Norm Crosby - Judge
* Jon Lovitz - Tom Baltezor
* Richard Page (singing) - Davey's dad
* Ann Wilson (singing) - Davey's mom
Store logos
* Dylan and Cole Sprouse - KB Toys soldiers
* Tyra Banks - Victoria's Secret gown
* Blake Clark - RadioShack walkie-talkie
* Peter Dante - Foot Locker guy
* Ellen Albertini Dow - See's Candies box
* Kevin Farley - Panda Express panda
* Lari Friedman - The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf Cup
* Tom Kenny - The Sharper Image chair
* Carl Weathers - GNC bottle

## External links

* Official site
* Eight Crazy Nights quotes at the Internet Movie Database
* Eight Crazy Nights at Rotten Tomatoes
* Transcript of movie (DOC)