# The Simpsons/Season 14

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The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

### Treehouse of Horror XIII

    [William Bonney (Billy the Kid) and his evil gang of undead henchmen have risen from the ground.]
    Billy: Now I'd like you to meet the hole-in-the-ground gang!
    Townspeople: [Gasp]
    Billy: Frank an' Jesse James!
    Townspeople: [Gasp]
    Billy: The Sundance Kid!
    Townspeople: [Gasp]
    Comic Book Guy: What happened to Butch Cassidy?
    The Sundance Kid: [imitating] What happened to Butch Cassidy? We're not joined at the hip, you know!
    Billy: And the most evil German of all time... Kaiser Wilhelm.
    Townspeople: [Mutterings of "Who?"]
    Frank James: He ain't no cowboy!
    Wilhelm: Sure I am! [stops to think]...uh... yippy wippy, wippy!
    Frank: OK, he's in.
    Billy the Kid: Now let's rob the bank, give the money to the poor, then rob the poor, and shoot the money!
    Homer: [notices Maggie who has been turned into an anteater] Maggie! [Lisa, turned into an eagle, swoops down, grabs Maggie with her claws, and tries to fly away] Lisa! [grabs Lisa from her legs, pulls her down and releases Maggie]
    'Lisa: [defensively We were just playing.
    Homer: What game?
    Lisa: [sheepishly] Let's eat Maggie...?
    [After other characters - who have been turned into 'manimals' by Dr. Hibbert - decide that they enjoy it]
    Homer: YOU GUYS ARE NUTS! All you can do is eat, and sleep, and mate, and roll around in your own filth, and mate, and eat-- Where do I sign up?
    Lisa: [as an eagle] So, how do you like being a walrus, dad?
    Homer: [as a walrus] It's great! I haven't been this skinny since high school!

### How I Spent My Strummer Vacation

    [The Simpsons are gathered together, while watching Taxicab Conversations.]
    Wise guy: How ya doing?
    Homer: [drunk] Talky thing, ain't ya?
    Lisa: Another proud moment for the Simpsons.
    Homer: Hey, what gives, where are the rock stars?
    Chief Wiggum: I don't know, but it's starting to get dark.
    [All of a sudden, they hear rock music.]
    Homer: [Gasps] What was that?
    Barney Gumble: Oh, it's getting closer.
    [In a burst of smoke, a stage emerges and Mick Jagger and Keith Richards appear.]
    Mick Jagger: Hello campers!
    Keith Richards: How are ya doin'?
    Homer: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! It's Mick Jagger and Keith Richards!
    Apu: Can we talk about accentuating the...uh...masculine area?
    Lenny Kravitz: Did you hear that, everybody? Apu just asked about crotch stuffing. Now, I don't do that. Kenny Loggins does.
    Kenny Loggins: [Appearing at the window] I trusted you! [Runs away crying].
    Homer: Mr. Seltzer?
    Brian Setzer: Setzer.
    Homer: No, I think it's Seltzer.
    (Homer is upset that the Rock n' Roll Fantasy Camp is over)
    Mick Jagger: It's okay, Homer. It's only Rock n' Roll camp.
    Homer: But I like it.
    (Homer has a backstage pass and jumps over the counter of a Pizza stand)
    Squeaky Voiced teen: Sir, you can't...
    Homer: [flashes his card at the teen] All access!
    Squeaky Voiced Teen: [salutes] Oh. Sorry!
    Homer: There's no need for apologies, guys. You're rock stars! You're supposed to be reckless and destructive, and be celebrated for behavior that would land normal people in jail!
    Keith Richards: That's what I told them!

### Bart vs. Lisa vs. The Third Grade

    Bart: [mockingly at Lisa] Ha Ha. They left without you.
    Lisa: They left without you too, you idiot.
    Bart: If I'm such an idiot, how come I'm the smartest kid in third grade?
    Lisa: Because you've already done it once.
    [Pause]
    Bart: You've lost me.
    Lisa: Hey... how do we get home?
    Bart: No problem. We'll just circle around like those kids in the Blair Witch project.
    [Bart walks off-screen. He immediately walks back into frame on the other side]
    Bart: I must be getting close. [points to Lisa] I recognize that girl.

### Large Marge

    Homer: Well, if Bart can be 'El Barto'...
    ["El Homo" is painted on a wall]
    Homosexual Latino: Oh, if only I had your courage, sénor.
    Homer: Thanks [realizes what he just did] Ahh! Oh, God! [Paints frantically to cover it up]
    Lisa: Dad, you're getting paint all over your wedding ring.
    Homer: Oh, right. Here, hold it. [Hands the ring to Lisa]
    Lisa: Dad, this is a Band-Aid wrapped in tin foil.
    Homer: [Ashamed] My real ring's inside a turtle.
    Marge: Aaaaah! What on Earth have you done?! My maguppies became bazongas!
    Surgeon: Great Ceaușescu's ghost! Are those real? [Makes a realization] Oh. Oh, right.
    Marge: Accidentally giving me breast implants is not a simple misunderstanding, my surgery was botched!
    Surgeon: Botched, what is that the word of the day?
    Bart: The Krusty I know didn't get where he is today by giving up!
    Krusty: No, I got where I am today by naming names in the '50s!

### Helter Shelter

    (as the Sarcastic Clerk is gnawing on the living room table)
    Marge: Why do you always pick the cheapest guy?
    Homer: I go by how funny the sign is. (indicates the "A Bug's Death" van outside the house)
    (Bart uses a telegraph to message Moe, dressed as a telegraph clerk)
    Moe: Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme. Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, "hey would you cuddle me"?
    [a big man makes a threatening look while Lenny and Carl laugh]
    Billy the Big Guy in the Back: No thanks.
    Moe: [angry] Ooh, that little...!! [begins using the telegraph] I'm gonna drive a Golden Spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific! STOP!
    [at the other end, Bart laughs]

### The Great Louse Detective

    Chief Wiggum: Now, Mr. Simpson, is it possible you're living a double or triple life that your wife doesn't know about?
    Homer: Triple? No, definitely no.
    Chief Wiggum: Now, your case requires someone who understands the twisted mind of a murderer. And I know just where to find him.
    Marge: (hopeful) Paris?
    Chief Wiggum: No, no, not Paris.
    Marge: (downhearted) I'm never gonna go to Paris.
    [The Simpsons are in Campbell's Chunky Soup Maximum Security Prison]
    Marge: I don't think this was a great place to bring the children.
    Lisa: It still beats Disney's California Adventure.
    Sideshow Bob: Hello, Bart.
    Bart and Lisa: AAAHH!! Sideshow Bob!
    Sideshow Bob: Oh, come now, we have been through so much together. Just call me Bob.
    Bart and Lisa: AAAHH!! Bob!
    Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're putting my life at risk to save your own?!
    Homer: You'll understand someday when you have kids.
    [Homer's runaway King of Mardi Gras float is heading toward a building filled with swordfish.]
    Lisa: (gasps) Dad's headed straight for the Museum of Swordfish!
    Marge: That museum's been nothing but trouble since it opened.
    Homer: Wait! Frank Grimes wasn't married! How could he have a son?
    Frank Grimes Jr.: He happened to like hookers, okay?
    Lisa: Dad! I figured it out! [opens a piece of paper] The murderer is--
    Homer: I know! Frank Grimes Junior!
    Lisa: Huh? [looks down at the paper, where she has written the name "Bumblebee Man"] Precisely. [crumples the paper and kicks it away]
    [At night, Homer and Bart celebrate their victory at the capture of the perpetrator at Bart's room]
    Bart: Dad, I'm really glad you're still alive.
    Homer:: Yeah, it's every parent's dream to outlive their children. Goodnight, son. [he closes the door, unaware that Bob is hiding on the other side of the door]
    Sideshow Bob: [jumps down] Hello, Bart. [Bart screams, but Bob quickly covers the boy's mouth with duct tape. He tries reaching for the shock remote, only to find that it is missing.] Looking for this? [He shows Bart the remote he had stolen before tossing it out the window and taking the knife out of his pocket.] Now I'm going to take some advice that was given to me by Lenny, and kill you without doing. [He raises the knife to strike, but looks at Bart's pleading eyes before stopping.] One thrust, and the deed is done. [He raises the knife again, but pauses again at the look of the boy's pleading face before lowering the knife again.] I... I can't do it.
    Bart: [muffled] Huh? Why not?
    Sideshow Bob: Well, I guess I've—dear God—grown accustomed to your face! [starts singing "The Very Reason That I Live"]
    I've... grown accustomed to his face,
    And dreams of gouging out his eyes.
    I've grown accustomed to my hate,
    My plans to lacerate,
    To disembowel,
    To hear him howl.
    [As he sings, Bart tries getting out of bed through the covers, but Bob grabs him and pins him to the wall atop the bedstand with the knife by his nightgown.]
    The very reason that I live
    Is plotting how to watch him die.
    Homer: [bangs on the wall from the other room] Bart! Turn down that original cast recording and go to sleep! [The banging loosens the knife from the wall, and Bart falls down to the floor and tries escaping while sneaking behind Bob.]
    Sideshow Bob: [continues] I know this chubby scalliwag
    Has made my life a living hell.
    [He grabs one of Bart's legs as he sings and dangles the boy upside-down while pulling him close to his face.]
    Surely, if I drank his blood,
    I'd be at peace... but, well...
    Bart: [removes the tape from his mouth and sings] You've grown accustomed to my face?
    Sideshow Bob: This isn't a duet.
    Bart: Sorry. [puts the tape back on his mouth]
    Sideshow Bob: I've grown accustomed to your fear,
    Accustomed to revenge,
    Accustomed to... your face.
    [As he finishes, he carries Bart and sets him back to his bed, then leaps up at the edge of the bed before finishing and jumping out the window, landing on the ground as Bart quickly shuts the window.] We shall meet again, old friend. But now, I must steal away into the night. [gets shocked by the remote's button that is repeatedly pressed by the birds on its nest]

### Special Edna

    [Krabappel learns she's been nominated for Teacher of the Year]
    Edna Krabappel: This after showing the class the R-rated version of Romeo and Juliet! I thought that nipple would haunt me forever!
    Principal Skinner: [on the phone] Y'ello? Mother? [sighs] I'll be right there. [to Edna] Now she wants to get out of the tub.
    Edna Krabappel: You've got to stop putting your mother ahead of me! We have a date!
    Principal Skinner: I'll be back in three hours. [suggestive] Maybe less. [normal] But almost certainly more.
    [Skinner leaves, and Edna starts sobbing]
    Bart: He's a wiener, Mrs. K. Just say the word, and his desk is full of boogers.
    Edna Krabappel: That's sweet of you.
    [The Simpsons are on a ride like the Carousel of Progress]
    Voiceover: Welcome to the electric car of the future!
    Car: [in a whiny tone] Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast, or very far. [Bart and Homer look around the scenery with puzzled expressions] And if you drive me, people will think you're gay.
    Animatronic Gay Men: One of us! One of us!
    (Little Richard is on stage)
    Homer: Purple Rain!
    Little Richard: SHUT UP!
    Homer: (excited) Michael Jackson told me to shut up.
    Milhouse: Hey Bart! Want to go for a ride on my uncle's Black Hawk helicopter?
    Bart: But I just started my paper!
    Milhouse: It's your last chance! He'll probably get court marshaled for this!
    Bart: Black Hawk up!

### The Dad Who Knew Too Little

    [The Simpsons watch Homer's personalized movie for Lisa: "The Adventures of Lisa Simpson, Girl Cowboy". In it, we see Lisa's face, with tongue sticking out, crudely pasted onto a cowgirl's body. The animation is really choppy.]
    Cowgirl: Howdy, pardners! My name is Sheriff...
    Homer voiceover: Lisa Simpson!
    Cowgirl: I sure am hungry for my favorite food...
    Homer voiceover: McNuggets!
    Lisa: I don't like McNuggets! I'm a vegetarian!
    Homer: Still? Well, then you're not gonna like your other present.
    (Pans to a turkey in wrapping paper on the floor)
    (In the film a male cowboy rides up)
    Cowgirl: Why, it's my best friend...
    Homer voiceover: Maggie!
    Lisa: Huh?
    (A bartender enters)
    Bartender: Bad news, Sheriff...
    Homer voiceover: Lisa Simpson!
    Bartender: Some Indians took all the...
    Homer voiceover: McNuggets! Mmmm... McNuggets... (drools)
    Cowgirl: I'll get those no-good Indians, just as sure as my favorite book is...
    Homer voiceover: Magazines! (snores)
    Bart voiceover: Wake up, Dad!
    Homer voiceover: Huh? Wha?
    (The screen goes to static before an angry Lisa turns off the TV)
    Ralph Wiggum: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
    Dexter Colt: Yes, you said that already. What else do you know?
    Ralph: I once picked my nose 'til it bleeded.
    Dexter: No, about Lisa!
    Ralph: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
    Dexter: Someone's already worked this guy over.
    Homer: Lisa's pet peeve is... phonies?! I thought she loved them!
    Offscreen Voice: Unauthorized user. Access denied.

### Strong Arms of The Ma

    Ranier Wolfcastle: Do you need some assistance picking over the tattered remains of my life?
    Homer: Nope, I'm good. Hey, your early porno movies! Eh, are any of these hetero?
    Ranier Wolfcastle: What's there is there.
    (Marge breaks a glass jar and points it menacingly at Moe)
    Marge: Maybe death will stop your yammering!!
    (Homer is in bed. A toned Marge walks in, lustfully)
    Marge: Say, Homie, how about a good luck snuggle before my competition tomorrow?
    Homer: (feeling trapped) Erm, listen my bulky flower, I have an early day tomorrow and...
    Marge: (Gets on top) I wasn't asking. (Veins bulging. She rapes Homer)
    (the next morning)
    Homer: Morning kids, I made your lunches.
    Bart: Where's Mom?
    Homer: Your Mom has a lot of stuff to shave. (walks off hobbling)
    (Marge has destroyed Moe's Tavern and injured almost all of the barflies. She holds Lenny over her head as Homer comes out from hiding on the far end of the bar)
    Homer: Marge?
    (Marge turns around, breathing heavily and still holding Lenny over her head)
    Homer: (voice breaking) Somewhere in that sea of bull hormones is the sweet, wonderful girl I married. The woman who, instead of swatting a fly, would give it a bath and send it on its way. I'd sure like to go home and have Jiffy Pop with her.
    Moe: (looks at his destroyed tavern) Well, there's only one way to recoup my losses. (pours some gasoline over the counter and sets it on fire with a match stick)
    Carl: Oh, whoa, wait a minute. Don't you have to buy insurance first?
    Moe: Oh, crap.

### Pray Anything

    Marge: You know, most people pray silently.
    Homer: Marge, he's way the hell up there!
    Ken Burns: [on a TV documentary about himself] I've never actually been to a baseball game. The fresh air gives me hives.
    Homer: DIE, MONSTER!!! [changes channel]
    Marge: I'm sorry Ned. It looks like God has packed up and left Springfield.
    Ned: [hysterical] No, you're lying! You're lying! What makes you lie?
    Kent Brockman: Good evening. Springfield is still grappling tonight with the departure of Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, local Bible nut. How is our community coping with this spiritual vacuum? Let's ask Arnie Pye in the Sky!
    Arnie Pye: You wanna know what I see, Kent? I see a slow news day with nothing to fill it!
    Kent Brockman: Arnie, you're supposed to be filming people coping with the loss of their church!
    Arnie Pye: And how am I supposed to do that? Do I have a magic lens that can see into peoples' SOULS? Well, yours would be BLACK, Kent! BLACK AS THE ACE OF SPADES!!!
    (Reverend Lovejoy is forced to leave the Church)
    Lovejoy: It's okay, the Flanders have offered to put me up.
    Ned: And, Reverend, you'll be bunking with me.
    (Lovejoy shudders)
    Lisa: There are perfectly logical explanations for everything that happened. The bonfire sent soot into the air, which created rain, and with all the trees cut down a flood was inevitable.
    Bart: Yeah, but what made the rain stop?
    Lisa: I don't know. Buddha?

### Barting Over

    Lisa: Why did you wake me up!? I dreamt I was at the Kennedy Center honors.
    Marge: Well, here's another low rated annual event. Spring cleaning!
    Bart: Hey, a box of old videotapes. "Marge And Homer Get Dirty"? Hey, Lis, think you're well-adjusted? I’ve got something to show you.
    Lisa: [to Bart] You're Baby Stink-Breath, you're Baby Stink-Breath! En Francais… [in French] vous êtes L'enfant Stink-Breath!
    Bart: How could you make me Baby Stink-Breath and not even tell me?
    Homer: I was going to tell you on my deathbed.
    Marge: Honey, you did have a great time doing those commercials, and you made a lot of money.
    Bart: I did? Where is it?
    Marge: Your father invested it in the college trust fund which, today, must be worth a fo…
    Homer: [interrupts Marge] La la la la la la la la la!
    Marge: [groans in embarrassment] Of course, the stock market's been down lately, but there must be some sort of…
    Homer: [rudely continues interrupting Marge] La la la la la la la la nothing left la la la oh.
    Bart: You spent all the money I earned?
    Homer: I needed it. I had to buy back some incriminating photos. Look.
    [Flips through photos of Homer holding Bart over a railing a 'la Michael Jackson and then dropping him]
    Homer: See, you're fine, and then... [shows the final photo, depicting Bart missing] whoops! Uh-oh! Look out! Oh! I know this looks bad, but if you reverse it, Daddy's a hero. See? [reverses the sequence] Watch… I saved you!
    Bart: I want a divorce from my parents.
    Blue-Haired Lawyer: You WHA?!
    Bart: I said I want a divorce from my parents.
    Blue-Haired Lawyer: Yes, I heard you. I was just calling my secretary. Yuwah, give me the standard child divorcing parent form.
    Yuwah: Yes, sir.
    Marge: Bart, you're suing us?
    Bart: Yes, I wanna be emancipated.
    Homer: Emancipated? Don't you like being a dude?
    Lisa: No, Dad, it means Bart would be a legal adult and free to move out of the house.
    Marge: I wanted a sewing room, but not like this. Not like this!
    Bart: Mom, you've always been cool to me, but Homer is a lousy dad and I'm not gonna take it anymore.
    Homer: Hey, my dad was lousy and I didn't sue him. I just dumped him in the cheapest home I could find.
    [Cut to the Springfield Retirement Castle where Abraham is on a hospital bed]
    Abe: Hey! My IV is empty, and my catheter is full!
    [The employee carelessly switches urine and IV bag in opposite places]
    Employee: See you tomorrow.
    [At the trial, the Blue Haired Lawyer holds up a doll commonly used in child molestation cases.]
    Bart's Lawyer: Bart using this doll, will you show the court where your father stolen money from you?
    Bart: [pulls out the left pocket of the doll] Here and here. (pulls out the right pocket of the doll)
    Bart's Lawyer: Let the record show he has pulled out the pockets from the doll.
    [Homer is nervous and is later seen on the witness stand after Bart's lawyer calls him next]
    Bart's Lawyer: Mr. Simpson, your son alleges that you have an anger management problem.
    Homer: [angrily turns red] Why you little! [Judge Harm stares at him sternly] I... uh, I'm sorry, judge. That's a rare lapse in my normally calm demeanor.
    Judge Harm: [disbelieving Homer much to the joy of Bart's lawyer] Could the stenographer please read back the previous statement?
    Stenographer: Why you little...
    Homer: [angrily turns red] Why you little...!
    Bart: [laughs] The oldest trick in the book!
    Homer: Why you little...! [to Judge Harm] Why you little...!
    [Judge Harm draws Homer being hanged]
    Judge Harm: No judge would send a pre-teen out on his own.
    Homer: WOO-HOO! YOU'RE STILL MINE! AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS A BAD DAD BEFORE!
    Judge Harm: [Eyes narrowed at Homer for rudely interrupting her verdict] Except in this case!
    [Homer pulls his shirt collar nervously and cringes]
    Judge Harm: That boy is about as safe living with you as a crawdad in a gumbo shack. Bart Simpson, I declare you emancipated!
    [She slams her gavel]
    Judge Harm: Further, I hereby garnish Homer's wages until Bart is fully repaid.
    Homer: [thinking it's food] Mmmmm...garnish.
    Judge Harm: That means half your paycheck goes to Bart.
    Homer: What the...half goes to Bart, half goes to my Vegas wife? What's left for Moe?
    Marge: Homer, don't make things worse!
    Homer: [turns red in anger] I'LL SHOW YOU WORSE!
    [He screams and runs towards Judge Harm, intent on attacking her. The bailiff catches him and punches him.]
    Homer: (being dragged out by the bailiff and embarrasses Marge) I WAS TOLD THIS WOULD BE TELEVISED!
    Marge: Please don't go, Bart. I'll let you swear in the house: everything but the Big Three.
    Bart: Sorry, Mom. I just can't, not as long as he's here. [Bart points to Homer, who hides]
    Homer: [comes outside to confront Bart] Go ahead. Leave. You'll come crawling back.
    [Bart's taxi is driving away as Homer chases after it]
    Homer: That's right, crawling on your knees. (stops in the middle of the road) Crawling! [sobbing:] Oh, he's really gone. (starts crying) He's GONE!
    [he continues sobbing into the night. Next to him is a sign that says "Man Sobbing"]
    Bart: Well, here I am, on my own... and I'm gonna make it, world!
    [Bart throws his red cap through a ceiling fan and shreds into pieces. Then a drugs salesman bangs the wall.]
    Neighbor: Be quiet in there! Some of us are trying to sell drugs!
    Bart: (starting to cry while in the elevator) I'm gonna die in my jammies.
    Lisa: That couch looks really pricey.
    Bart: Well, you need an expensive couch to watch an expensive TV.
    Homer: Of course, because you wouldn't want to... (screams) I PAY FOR YOUR SPLENDOR, YOU… (chokes Bart)
    [Marge is embarrassed]
    Homer: Psst! Mr Hawk! May I have a word with you?
    Tony Hawk: An extreme word?
    Homer: Sure. [loudly] MY SON IS BART SIMPSON, AND--
    Tony Hawk: I didn't say extreme to the max!
    Homer: Sorry. I just wanna win my son back so badly.
    Tony Hawk: I can relate. I'm a father myself. [sighs] One day they're little shredders, and the next day they're grinding and gnashing their way to college.
    Homer: Yeah, I make up words too. Anyway, I was wondering if you could pretend to lose to me in a skateboarding contest, so I can be a hero to my boy again.
    Tony Hawk: I'll lose millions in endorsements... but okay.
    Tony Hawk: You're going down, Homer. Then up. Then down. Then back up again. That's how the game is played.
    Marge: I can't count how many times your father's done something crazy like this...
    (Lisa pulls out a rolling counter which is now at 300)
    Lisa: It's 300, Mom.
    Marge: I could've sworn it was 302.
    Lisa: Shhh!
    Bart: Dad, you don't understand. This was never about being cool. It was about you not caring how I felt.
    Homer: Oh, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard, you stupid little kid!
    Tony: Homer, you're heading for a parental face-plant! Do a 180 emotional Ollie! [groans as he falls down the skate ramp]
    Homer: FINALLY, someone explains it to me in words I can understand!
    [Homer is embarrassed to learn that the commercial he starred in is an impotency one.]
    Bart: Nobody will remember it in 50 years.
    [50 years later, Homer is dead and his grave has the Impotency Spokesman on it. An elderly Nelson Muntz visits his grave to laugh at him before passing out from the attempt.]
Notes ^ References the episode count of 300 (the 300th was The Strong Arms of the Ma and the 301st was "Pray Anything")

### I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can

    Homer: Three Ribwiches, please, and instead of a shake, I'd like a blended Ribwich.
    Cashier: I'm sorry, sir. The Ribwich was for a limited time only.
    Homer: [banging fist on counter] Not again! First you take away my Philly Fudge Steak, then my Bacon Balls, then my What-Cha-Ma-Chicken. You monster... [walks away, then comes back to counter] I'd like a large fries, please, and a collector's cup.
    Ribhead: Dude, if you still want the Ribwich, they're testing it in other markets. Check out the tour schedule! [shows back of his shirt with the tour schedule]
    Homer: Maybe I should hook up with you guys. After all, how long do any of us have to live?
    Ribhead: Well, if you like the ribwich, not very. [holds up ribwich box with Krusty saying "WILL CAUSE EARLY DEATH"]
    Homer: D'oh!
    Kent Brockman: The Spellympics is being sued by the Olympics for use of the suffix 'lympics.' This has got to be the slowest news day ever!
    Bart: Come on, man, everyone knows the first day of school is a total wank.
    Principal Skinner: Well, if by wank you mean educational fun, then stand back, it's wanking time!
    Lisa: (loudly) Then I'll be QUEEN OF THE WORLD (whispers) of spelling. (Loud) That's right, QUEEN OF THE WORLD (whispers) of spelling.
    Principal Skinner: Bart, your word is imply.
    Bart: Imply. I-M-P…
    Nelson: Bart said, "I am pee." He's made of pee!
    (The students all laugh)
    Bart: Well, I got my laugh. I'm outta here.
    Ralph: I made Bart in my pants.
    Principal Skinner: Milhouse, your word is "choke."
    Milhouse: Oh, I know this one, it's so easy, "F".... oh, man! (the kids laugh)
    Principal Skinner: Stop laughing! It will scar him for life! (kids keep laughing) He-he-he, it is kinda infectious.
    Lisa: Could you use it in a sentence?
    Superintendent Chalmers: Nothing can ameliorate the ineptitude of Principal Skinner.
    Principal Skinner: I wish he wouldn't use me in every example.
    Lisa: Dad, this is my moment in the sun. How can you miss it to be with a sandwich?
    Homer: You don't understand. It's not just a sandwich… it's about brotherhood, it's about freedom, it's about 3 days since I've had one! I'm gettin' the shakes! And I'm gettin' the fries!
    Principal Skinner: Lisa, "impugn."
    Lisa: I-M-P...
    Bart: Hey, Lisa said...
    Nelson: (Slaps Bart in the back of his head) Shut up, pee!
    (Lisa dreaming, pondering throwing the spelling match to get a free education at a w:Seven Sisters college
    Barnard College: We are the Seven Sisters. And you can attend any one of us! Like Barnard, Columbia's "girl next door."
    Radcliffe College: Come to Radcliffe and meet Harvard men."
    Wellesley College: Or come to Wellesley and marry them."
    Mount Hollyoke College: (slurring, champagne glass in hand) No. Party with me! (Falls face first)
    Vassar College: Or nonconform with me! (Raises arms, reveals hairy armpits)"
    Smith College: (muscular girl, carries lacrosse stick, husky voice) Play lacrosse with me!
    Bryn Mawr College: Or come explore with me! (She and Smith kiss with passion)

### A Star is Born-Again

    [In Ned's illusion moving to Hollywood, series executive producer James L. Brooks appears]
    Brooks: Ned, I'm James L. Brooks.
    Ned: Oh, can I call you Jim?
    Brooks: James L. Brooks is good. How about some spongecake?
    Ned: Well, I can't see the harm.
    Brooks: With a brandy glaze?
    Ned: Noooo!!
    Brooks: Or perhaps you like to go to a football game?
    Ned: Well--
    Brooks: We don't have a team.
    Ned: Noo!!
    Ralph: [picks up a red jellyfish] I made a friend. [the jellyfish stings him and he falls into the water and is pulled away by the current] I'm going to Africa! There's lions, and monkeys, and Santa...!

### Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington

    Krusty: Just one thing, are you guys good at covering youthful and middle aged indiscretions?
    Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?
    Krusty: Russian hooker, you tell me.
    Mr. Burns: Oh, no problem. We'll say you were on a fact-finding mission!
    Krusty: I did find out one fact; she was a guy!
    Marge: Look, can you please just tell us why you changed the flightpaths?
    Airport official: Uh, look, they were changed because a disturbed local wildlife and their mating rituals.
    [Cut to Ye Old Off-Ramp Inn, where Mayor Quimby is heard inside having sex]
    Quimby: Vote Quimby, vote Quimby, vote Quimby, vote Quimby! Ohh... [inside] Without those noisy planes, I can finally hear my kitten purr.
    Woman: [in a high-pitched, screechy voice] Thanks a million, Joe. You're the swellest!
    Quimby: [shocked] That's your voice?! Now I regret building you that opera house!
    Marge: There has to be a solution which pleases everyone. From ducks and trees, to you's and me's.
    Airport official: [angry] Are you threatening a government official?
    Marge: No!
    Airport official: Good! Because we're the government! We make the laws, we print the money and we breed the super soldiers. So go home, learn to live with it, pay your taxes, and remember, you didn't hear anything about super soldiers.
    Marge: The shaking's so bad, all my omelettes have become frittatas.
    Congressman Horace Wilcox: That's the saddest story I've heard in my 75 years of public office. It makes my blood boil, and my left arm feel numb. Also I taste copper. [groans and collapses from a heart attack]
    Marge: Quick! Someone perform CPR!
    Homer: [singing] I see bad moon rising...
    Marge: That's CCR.
    Homer: Uh, [singing] looks like we're in for nasty weather...
    Cletus: I like that clown. He's really lookin' out for me, the average Joe-Six Tooth.
    Brandine: Where'd you get yourself another tooth?
    Cletus: Sidewalk.
    Maggie: [starts drinking Homer's beer]
    Marge: Maggie, give me that! [takes the beer away from her]
    [Maggie burps]

### C.E. D'oh

    (Lenny and Carl are fighting one another with carbon rods, ala Star Wars)
    Lenny: I say Phantom Menace sucked more!
    Carl: I say Attack of the Clones sucked more!
    Homer: All my life I've had one dream: to achieve my many goals.
    Homer: (after getting thrown out of the striptease class) Aw, nobody loves Oily Homer.
    (Homer tricks Mr. Burns into selling him the power plant, and then fires him)
    Mr. Burns: So the caterpillar has emerged from its cocoon as a shark, with a gun for a mouth.

### 'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky

    Lisa: Now we nearly put this switch to "Overload". And once we do we'll be breaking the law. Can good truly come from civil disobedience? Gandhi thought so and—(cut off by Bart)
    Bart: Gandhi also said, "Less talk, more rock." (Pulls the switch beyond "Overload")
    (Lights explode. The police come out armed)
    Clancy Wiggum: Uh-oh. All of the lights are out. We need to get the entire force working on this.
    Officer Lou: But Chief, we are the entire force.
    Clancy Wiggum: Okay, we got to start recruiting, Lou.
    Homer: I wish God were alive to see this.

### Three Gays of the Condo

    Homer: Puzzle piece, come out and play-ay!
    Lisa: Mom, I know Dad cares about you, but his feelings are really hurt. Why don't you just say you're sorry?
    Marge: Lisa, marriage is a beautiful thing, but it's also a constant battle for moral superiority. So I can't apologize.
    Bart: Couldn't you just say you're sorry and not mean it? I do it all the time: I don't think I ever meant it.
    Marge: Bart, that's not right.
    Bart: Sorry, Mom... See? It's that easy.
    Homer: What a well kept street, and there sure are a lot of gay bookstores for a straight neighborhood. Bet these guys never had any kids.
    Homer: I'm sorry I'm late. The velvet mafia made me a margarita I couldn't refuse.
    Marge: Goodbye, Homer! I try to save our marriage and you just get drunk and spend the night with your homosexual boyfriends! (greeting each person on her way down the stairs) Reverend Lovejoy, Mrs. Lovejoy, Principal Skinner, Duffman.

### Dude, Where's My Ranch?

    Homer: [While being attacked by beavers] No! I wanted to die choking on food!
    Homer: Look at those city slickers with their stupid fur coats and pointy hats.
    Marge: Homer, those are elk.
    Homer: I still hate them. Go back to Grosse Pointe!
    Moe: [on radio, to tune of "More, More, More"]
       Moe, Moe, Moe
       How do you like me? How do you like me?
       Moe, Moe, Moe
       Why don't you like me? Nobody likes me...

### Old Yeller Belly

    Homer: Don't worry son, I'll build you a new treehouse--One so grand it'll be an affront to God himself.
    Bart: Can it have a ladder you can pull up after you?
    Homer: Only if it's an affront to God.
    Homer: Oh, thank God, the dog's here. Pull me free, boy.
    Homer: I used to think cats were just for losers who live in apartments, until my life was saved by this sweet little kitty. (Meow) (pissed off at Santa's Little Helper) Ooh, but as for you, Santa's Little Helper, you are a selfish coward and a bad dog! (Santa's Little Helper whines) Get out... AND STAY OUT!
    Homer: Move the net under the window.
    Lisa: There's no net.
    Homer: (falling) AAGH! OOF!

### Brake My Wife, Please

    Homer: I'll never mock the Coast Guard again. You Navy rejects are all right.
    Judge Harm: Mr Simpson, give me your license.
(Homer groans and hands it over. Judge Harm uses a miniature guillotine to slice the license in half. The license is then fed to two dogs.)
    Judge Harm: Burn their poop.
    Moe: Maybe this is a sign. Maybe it's time for me to get out of the alcohol business, give barber college another try. And this time, I won't join a frat! [Looks around, realizes no one is there] Who the hell am I talking to?
    Homer: Psst. Bishop to Queen-4.
    Old Man: We're playing Dominoes.
    Homer: I said Bishop to Queen-4.

### Bart of War

    TV Announcer: Next on Comedy Central, an all new South Park!
    Milhouse: I hear those kids' voices are done by grown ups.
    Bart: Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that. I just wonder how they keep it so fresh after 43 episodes?
    [In the South Park episode, the kids are at a rock concert]
    Stan: I can't believe we paid to see a band with Steve Guttenberg, Calista Flockhart, and Farty The Crippled Robot!
    Farty: [a robot with a guitar sitting in a wheelchair] Look who's in my fart: O. J.!
    [Farty produces a fart cloud that disappears, leaving O. J. Simpson in its place]
    O. J.: [holds up a knife] I'm gonna kill you all!
    [O. J. decapitates Farty, who inexplicably bleeds red blood, before doing the same to drummer Guttenberg and bassist Flockhart, the latter appearing like a stick figure]
    Bart and Milhouse: [dancing a dosey-doe] Cartoon violence! Cartoon violence!
    [O. J. appears on screen with Cartman's head on his knife]
    O. J.: Now I'm gonna find the real killers!
    [Marge turns off the TV as Bart and Milhouse scream]
    Marge: Kids, that cartoon's not life-affirming. We're going to watch a show about the everyday problems of angels.
    [Marge turns the TV back on to PAX TV]
    TV Announcer: Now, back to Good Heavens.
    [An old couple living in the clouds with their dog appears on screen]
    Old Woman: Jesus called today.
    Old Man: He did?!
    [Bart and Milhouse scream and run away]
    Ralph Wiggum: [Gets thrown through The Simpsons' window with a note] I'm a brick!
    Homer: Wait a minute. How could those stupid jarheads win?
    Lisa: Who would want candy filled with laxatives?
    (Cut to seniors in the day room enjoying the laxative-laced candies.)
    Mr. Burns: [seeing the Indian smoke signals] Oh no, the Pawnee have returned. They probably want their souls back.
    Ralph: [Gets carried off by a wolf] You smell like dead bunnies!
    Homer: [looking at the Jumbo-Tron] Oh my, God! That's my wife, and she's crying!

### Moe Baby Blues

    Toy Homer: I peed my pants....
    Homer: I recorded that for private use!
    Elmo Doll: (slaps Moe) No means no for Elmo!