# Being Human

    For the North American remake, see Being Human (North American TV series).
Being Human is a British television comedy/drama/horror series, broadcast on BBC Three about three twenty-something characters who share a house and try to live a normal social life, despite being a ghost (Annie/Alex), a werewolf (George/Tom) and a vampire (Mitchell/Hal).

## Pilot

    Mitchell: I've got this friend. He says the human condition, human nature, being human, is to be cold and alone. Like someone lost in the woods. It's safe to say he's a 'glass-is-half-empty' kind of guy.
    Mitchell: When in Rome, stop killing the other Romans.
    [Mitchell haggles with an estate agent who's showing them around the house]
    Mitchell: I don't know, you see my friend, he's very picky. He took a lot of convincing to agree to this.
    George: [Excited] You can actually see the top of the hospital from the window and it's a dinky little kitchen you could fit a table in there… maybe. Otherwise, if we have people over we can just sit in here. And the little garden is just... gorgeous. We can grow vegetables!
    Mitchell: Like I said, he's a very difficult customer.
    Estate Agent: The back of the house doesn't get much sunlight.
    Mitchell: I'm not mad about sunlight...
    George: This is ridiculous! What could be scarier than one of us?
    Mitchell: A bigger one of us?
    Annie: Shit, can you see me?
    George: Of course! Who are you?
    Annie: You can see me? [She waves her arms] Can you see me do that?
    George: What's she talking about?
    Annie: Oh my God you can hear me too. I don't believe this!
    George: You don't believe it? Mitchell, call the police.
    Mitchell: George, it's okay.
    George: It is most certainly not okay, we paid a deposit!
    Mitchell: George, shut up! She's a ghost.
    Annie: [Slightly offended] Your point being?
    George: Okay, well this has been great, my first ghost - knockout! But it's getting late, so...
    Annie: Uh, you don't have to keep going on about it, me being a ghost, it's a bit rude. If someone's fat and you're like 'you're fat'.
    George: Oh, I'm sorry maybe I'm just a bit tetchy, because you just tried to scare me out of my house.
    Annie: It was my house before it was your house!
    George: That's not an argument! It's not like bagsying the front seat of a car!
    [George has followed a noise outside the hospital to find his ex, Julia, being threatened by her new boyfriend, Peter]
    George: Julia...!
    Julia: [Urgently] Please, go back inside.
    Peter: You heard her, walk away little man!
    Julia: [To Peter] He's- he's just someone who works at the hospital.
    Peter: [To George] She been giving you the eye too? What's she been telling you?!
    Julia Peter, please don't do this-!
    Peter [Ignores her] Aw take a ticket and sit down! Don't think you're anything special mate, she'll give it to anyone, she's like seven eleven! [To Julia] The doctor! The cab driver! [To George] She thinks I don't notice!
    George: I think you should calm down...
    Peter: Yeah and I think you should piss off! You've been told twice, now!
    George: I'm afraid I can't do that.
    Julia: [Sobbing] George, please!
    Peter: [Realises] ...George. Did you say "George"? [Tosses her aside, turns to George] I've seen photos of you. You're the one that disappeared. [Shakes his head in amusement] Did you follow her? You think you can take her back now? What's she been telling you?!
    Julia: Stop-
    George: She didn't know I was here, I didn't know she was coming in.
    Peter: Yeah? Well you're wasting your time; she doesn't even talk about you anymore.
    George: [Smiles angrily] Yeah, I'm sure you saw to that.
    Peter: I'm glad she's gonna see this...
    George: [Looks up at the nght sky] You're lucky this isn't tomorrow.
    Peter: Yeah? What happens then?
    George: Monsters come out.
    [Peter throws a punch, George catches his arm, lifts him off the ground and pins him to the hood of his car by the throat]
    Julia: [Startled, confused] George, stop it! What are you doing?!
    George: [To Peter] The worst thing...
    Julia: George, leave us alone!
    George: [Ignoring her] The very worst thing... is that it feels so good. A week before, I need glasses to watch the news; Mitchell has to open jars for me... and suddenly everything starts to work, all my senses expand, and there's a part of me that can't wait, that's turned on, and hungry.
    Julia: Get off him, get off him!
    George: [Ignoring her] The neck's amazing, isn't it? This tang of arteries and muscle and sinew; d'you know there are two jugular veins, an internal one, and an external one? [Leaning in close, whispering] I've met people who have tasted them! And they said, the wind pipe, came away with a sigh of air from the lungs that was still warm, and as they described it they had this... look, like everything they do in-between is just sleep-walking; it's only for those few moments that they are totally, and truly, alive. And there's part of me that would give anything, to feel what they do. To taste... what they taste. And that's... the worst thing.
    [George drops Peter, allowing him to slide off his car onto the floor, coughing and spluttering]
    George: Touch her again... I will kill you.
    Julia: [Horrified] Wh...? [George looks at her] What's happened to you?!
    George: [Smiles bleakly] Stay away from me. [Turns and walks away]
    Julia: [Tearfully] George... [He doesn't stop] George...!
    [Mitchell wakes up in bed]
    Annie: Hiya.
    Mitchell: Have you been sitting there long?
    Annie: Define long.
    Mitchell: An hour?
    Annie: Then yeah.
    Mitchell: So, you've just arrived at Hogwarts, which house do they put you in?
    George: I'd like to say Gryffindor, but they're supposed to be brave. What's the other one? Ravenclaw, does that have a characteristic?
    Mitchell: I think they're brainy. You could be in Ravenclaw.
    Annie: I quite fancy Hufflepuff actually. I've always thought in Hufflepuff they just spend the day making stuff with safety scissors and glitter.
    George: What about you?
    Mitchell: I think that they'd say, 'it's probably best if you just stay in the canteen for the next five years'.
    Annie: Does anyone ever choose Slytherin?
    George: No, because that would be like saying 'I'm a sociopath.'
    Annie: Ah well, you shouldn't be eating bacon anyway, should you - you're Jewish.
    George: Yeah, I gave up on the whole orthodoxy thing when I started turning into a wolf.
    Annie: Do they have rules about being a werewolf as well?
    George: I think you'd be hard pressed to find a religion that doesn't frown on it.
    Mitchell: What about the Moonies?
    George: Okay, you win ten million pounds; what do you do?
    Annie: Buy Colin Firth.

## Series 1
### Flotsam and Jetsam

    Annie: Everyone dies. Actually, can I start that again? Everyone deserves a death. I was going to die of old age. That was the plan. Mitchell was going to go down in a blaze of gunfire and glory.... Not cold and alone and shit scared. He didn't think death would smile at him first. Death was always a certainty. The punch line we could all see coming. But not for Mitchell. For a vampire, death isn't the end. But the beginning.
    So here we are. Overlooked and forgotten. Unnatural and... supernatural. Watching the dance from the sidelines. At least I was surrounded by friends and family. At least I got that bit right.
    You know the worst thing about being a ghost? It's lonely. You'll give anything for that crumb of comfort. That feel of skin against skin that says, “It's okay. I'm here.” It's a hunger. The most basic instinct. You might even drag others into this world of the dead. Even if it means turning them into monsters too.
    Then there are the ones like George. The ones that should have died. But shattered and bloody, they walk away from the train wreck. But what's the cost? They're scarred. Transformed. They're monsters now too. Aberrations. The stuff of nightmares. The big bad wolf.
    So…what have we got left to look forward to? Us refugees? The flotsam and jetsam of death. Maybe, if we still deserve such a thing as mercy, we find each other...
    Annie: So who wants tea?
    George: Ugh.
    Annie: What?
    George: You keep making tea! Every surface is covered with cups of tea and coffee. I go to make myself some tea and I can't! There's no mugs, there's no tea! It's all been made! And you can't even drink it! You can't drink it, but you keep making it! Oh, oh, oh my god, it's driving me INSANE!
    Annie: Oh, well, I like my routine, it makes me feel normal.
    George: Wh- b- wh- You're a ghost!
    Annie: Yeah, OK...
    Mitchell: We've got work and then it's his time of the month.
    Annie: Oh god, I used to hate that. Curl up on the sofa, Pride and Prejudice, if anyone said anything I'd bite their head off. Oh, God... that is actually a real possibility for you, isn't it... The, the biting...
    [George gives Annie a withering look, Mitchell grins]
    Seth: What blood type is he - A positive? Bit Jacob's Creek-y for my taste, but there you go...
    Mitchell: I'm sensing a trip to IKEA. [Glares at George] And you know my feelings on that.
    Annie: Owen, your landlord, my fiancé. Ex-fiancé. He's coming round!
    Mitchell: In about... now.
    George: He's coming here? Why?
    Mitchell: He's back from Saudi for a few months and wants to meet us.
    Annie: Well you guys are his longest staying tenants. All the others have er... found it strangely unwelcoming.
    George: [To Mitchell] Why didn't you put him off?!?
    Mitchell: I tried! But she kicked me in the shin. The shin, George!
    Annie: Okay, I've written a list of questions for you to ask him.
    Mitchell: [Reading the list] 'Are you screwing Janey Harris?'
    Annie: She always fancied him and believe me, if she knew when I died she'd have been here before the ambulance crew.
    Mitchell: [Reading the list] 'Has my sister had a baby?' Awww...
    Annie: They've been trying for ages. I blame her husband, his name's Robin and he works in a Post Office.
    Herrick: [To Mitchell] How noble of you to take on the curse of immortality so that your friends could wither and decay in hospitals and old people's homes.
    Lauren: Before I died I had this one odd last thought, and now I'm going to make it yours. You know all the things you were scared of as a kid, all the monsters under the bed? They're all real. [She blackens her eyes, George doesn't react] Okay, I'm new to this but aren't you supposed to weep or scream or wee yourself?
    [To George, after seeing her ex-fiancé with another woman]
    Annie: I just wanted a chance to explain. You don't know him, you don't know how he'd reacted but I knew. I just I knew that if he saw me again he'd – but he couldn't see me. And now he's got someone else, and now she gets to kiss him and watch him shave and laugh and - I'm still in the clothes that I died in! I get nothing! She gets him and I get... [calms down] I get you.
    Annie: So what did you think of her then? Janey?
    George: She's... orange.
    Annie: She works in a tanning salon. She thinks that looks classy! [sulking] I think she looks like Kilroy.
    Nurse: [showing a form to George] Does that look like a 3 or a 5 to you?
    George: A 3...
    Nurse: That's Becca's handwriting for you. So if she give him 'is meds at 3, he's gonna need 'em again... now. But if she give him 'is meds at 5, he ain't gonna need 'em 'til 10...
    George: Why don't you ask her?
    Nurse: She ain't answerin' 'er mobile. She's gone out for a drink with your mate.
    George: Which mate...?
    Nurse: Oh you know... 'im with the face.
    George: Where did they go?!?
    Nurse: Christ knows. I would've asked but then that might have seemed like I gives a shit.

### Tully

    Mitchell: We can't just dip our toe! We have to dive into the churn of humanity. Laugh with them, listen to their stories.
    George: About Vin Diesel?
    Mitchell: A... remarkable man, I'm starting to realise...
    Annie: Maybe he's had a blow to the head.
    George: I'm sorry?
    Annie: Happened to my Nan. She got hit in the head by a radio controlled plane at a county fair. From that moment - obsessed with pygmy goats.
    George: There wasn't a single bit of that sentence I understood.
    George: We have to put a stop to this. Doesn't he understand, these people are British? You're not allowed to talk to your neighbours until you've nodded at them for fifteen years.
    George: How did you find me?
    Tully: You're a werewolf living in Bristol. It kinda narrows the field.
    Tully: The Earth my pillow, my canopy the stars.
    Annie: Oh, I'd like to see George living like that. He had a panic attack in the Eden Project.
    Lauren: And the blood, Mitchell. Can you remember the taste? So rich and warm. You can have it again. As much as you want.
    Mitchell: I can't, the cost is too high.
    Lauren: Please! Who are you saving, really? Have you seen Britain's Got Talent?
    Lauren: It's like Hotel California! You can check out, but you can never leave!
    George: This has to stop. I cannot do another conversation about Vin Diesel.
    Mitchell: You just need to get him onto another subject.
    George: I've tried! Leonard Cohen, Darcy Bussell - it's like he isn't interested.
    Mitchell: Carol from number twelve is gonna lend us Casablanca.
    George: Why?
    Mitchell: I'm only in it!
    Annie: Get out!
    Mitchell: Yeah, I'm just an extra... in the bar... and you can't actually see me, obviously. But I do knock over a chair at one point and you can see that.
    Annie: You were in Casablanca?! How did you swing that?
    Mitchell: Well, I know people. I move and shake.
    George: Look, don't try to understand George.
    Annie: George? George who?
    George: ...Me!
    Annie: [To George] Oh my God. You're Tully's Mini-Me!
    Mitchell: Yes!
    George: Do you know the difference between you and him?
    Mitchell: Mmm, I don't know, I don't have to shave my palms?
    Tully: Ohhh!
    George: I-I think that's actually racist.
    Mitchell: He's a twat!
    George: Well he's my twat!
    Mitchell: You know, I'm sure that sounded much better in your head.
    Annie: [to George about Mitchell] Don't go in for a hug, he might kiss you.
    Mitchell: What, I--
    George: Aw, I leave you two alone for five minutes...
    George: My name is George... and I am a werewolf.
    Mitchell: Hello, George.

### Ghost Town

    Mitchell: Owen's moved on with his life. You need to do the same.
    Annie: I'm dead, in case you hadn't noticed!
    George: I'm not eating raw meat like an animal because a ghost is ovulating!
    Mitchell: I never know with you whether it's Jewish guilt or werewolf guilt.
    George: They're pretty much the same thing.
Annie and Gilbert have just met at the 80's club night
    Gilbert: So, what's it like living with Mitchell and his mate?
    Annie: Yeah, it's great...
    Gilbert: Don't you find it a bit... violent?
    Annie: Violent...?
    Gilbert: You know... when they... kill people?
    Annie: Oh! No no no, they don't do that. Mitchell's on the wagon; and George, you know, he restricts himself to the odd rat or squirrel in the woods and he never brings it home.
    Gilbert: That's still death for no reason. And death for no reason's murder. I'm a vegetarian. [Note: ghosts like Gilbert cannot eat.]
    [New song comes on]
    Gilbert: HANG the DJ!!! That record came out in 1990!
    Annie: Who are you, the 80's police?
    Gilbert: No, just someone with taste.
    George: And where have you been young lady?.
    Annie: I met up with Gilbert. We went to the cemetery.
    Mitchell: He knows how to show a girl a good time(!).
Gilbert is reading through Owen's iPod
    Annie: I'd like to be like his guardian angel and stop anything bad from happening to him.
    Gilbert: Can you stop him from listening to Michael Bublé?
    Annie: Oh okay, so I'm contemplating resolving my death so that I can move on to the next dimension and you're worrying about getting your leg over?
    George: Oh Annie, I really like this woman and it would be so nice to spend an evening with her without worrying about her discovering the existence of the spirit world as well as what I am.
    Annie: Loads of people have had an experience with a ghost, and if they haven't they know someone who has. It is a lot more socially acceptable than you may think. They talk about it on Loose Women all the time.
    George: [shouts] I had sex with Nina last night and it was bloody marvellous! [laughs with glee]
    Mitchell: [Takes George to one side] Annie was killed by Owen.
    George: [Sighs] Five minutes. Could I not have had five minutes with The Biggest News?

### Another Fine Mess

    George:We meet people, and fall in love. But when we part, they leave marks for us to remember them by. Our lovers sculpt us, they define us for better or worse. Like a pin ball we slam into them and rebound in a different direction, repealed by the contact. And after the parting we might be scarred, but stronger. Or, more fragile or needie or angry or guilty, but never unchanged. Our lovers linger beside us like ghosts, haunting the corridors and deserted rooms, sometimes whispering, sometimes screaming. Invisible, but always there.
    Mitchell: Where do I belong? Where do I fit? Who are my people? Where do my loyalties lie? We all choose our tribe. It's that need to belong, to live within boundaries, cause it's scary on the outside, on the fringes. Some labels are forced on us. They mock us, set us apart 'til we're like ghosts, drifting through other people's lives. But only if we let the labels hold. You can piss your whole life away trying out who you might be. It's when you've worked out who you are that you can really start to live.
    Annie: You look like bar staff.
    George: Fair enough, the last time I wore it someone did ask me if the jalfrezi was off.
    [George enters wearing an orange flowered shirt]:
    Mitchell: So, this "not-a-date"... tonight's the night you're gonna tell her you cross-dress?
    George: [to Annie] Er... you agree with him?
    Annie: It's hideous.
    George: Oh, well... I kept the receipt...
    Annie: For all I know this could be perfectly normal. You find out your fiancé killed you, you become a... "throwing-things-about" ghost.
    Mitchell: Poltergeist.
    Annie: See, you know the terms, you know how this works. I mean, do you know if I can channel it because I have been dying to pull that fridge out and clean behind it.
    George: Last night, I had the wolf in me...
    Mitchell: (whispering to Annie) So did Nina.
    [She guffaws.]
    George: Stop snickering, this is not a joke! I really, really like Nina, and I thought - well, ha-ha, I hoped! - that she liked me. But what if she's only interested in the wolf?
    Annie: (considering) Hmm...
    George: Oh! Oh thank you for "Oh no George, how could that be possible?"!
    [Looking at a figurine of Laurel and Hardy]
    Bernie: Who are they?
    Mitchell: Are you serious? They're Laurel and Hardy!
    Bernie: Was the fat one Prime Minister?
    George: You might be thinking of Churchill.
    Annie: Or Hitler - same 'tache.
    Mitchell: I can't believe he's never heard of Laurel and Hardy! Immortality makes me feel so old.
    George: What else have you got up there, some German scat inside Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
    Annie: How many times have you watched it?
    Mitchell: I've never even seen any scat. Oh well, just that first time, to see what it was...
    George: I'm not the pervert, that's my housemate. And actually, he's not a pervert either.
    George: Who keeps their rotten tomatoes? Who looks in their salad cooler, sees their tomatoes are on the turn and thinks 'oh no, no I'll hang on to those in case some paedos move in opposite'?
    Nina: Saying 'it's not you, it's me' is a stabbable offence in my book and I can easily get my hands on scalpels.

### Where The Wild Things Are

    George: We meet people, and fall in love, and when we part they leave marks for us to remember them by. Our lovers sculpt us, they define us, for better or worse. Like a pinball, we slam into them and rebound in our different directions, propelled by the contact, and after the parting we might be scared, stronger or more fragile, or needy, or angry, or guilty, but never unchanged. Our lovers linger inside us, like ghosts, haunting the corridors and deserted rooms, sometimes whispering, sometimes screaming, but always there, waiting...
    [On being given another jar of home-made jam as an apology]
    George: More jam?
    Annie: How many is that now?
    George: That's eleven jars. I wonder what it is about us that says we need jam.
    Annie: It's a gesture. They feel guilty.
    George: Yeah. So is writing “paedo” on the front door.
    Owen: I should have known not even death could be a match for one of your sulks. I mean, that's what this is, isn't it? It's the Isle of Wight all over again!
    Josie: Being human means being mortal. It means dying. You can't rob people of that.
    Josie: The vampires are mobilising. Oh, they're making it sound all New Labour, but this is an invasion! It's a coup!
    George: My thing is a part time thing.
    Josie: Oh right. I thought perhaps you were a wizard or something.
    George: A wizard? [Laughs] That's ridiculous.
    Josie: Trust me, once you've dated a vampire you tend to have a different criteria for what's ridiculous.
    George: I'm looking for something to defend myself with. So far I have a whisk and I have...my mobile phone recharger. [Mimes hitting with each in turn, then throws them down and runs back into the kitchen] What do we take, I mean do...do we take crosses and-and-and-and garlic? I know, we should have watched more films!
    Annie: I'm a ghost actually.
    Seth: Get out! Can you, like, move things about and...walk from one room to another?
    George: Yeah, I'm pretty sure everyone can do that.
    Seth: Shut it, Digby! The only reason why I haven't torn your bastard face off yet...is because I've just done the hoovering in here.
    [After Annie has hit him over the back with a chair]
    Seth: Did you just hit me with a chair?!
    Annie: Yes! Sorry!
    Seth: What is wrong with you people? That totally, fucking hurt!
    George: That was pathetic! We were like the world's gayest ninjas!
    George: [holding a chair aloft as Annie and he confront the vampires] Who wants some of my chair?!?
    [After killing Seth]
    Lauren: Well he won't be staring at my tits when he speaks to me anymore.
    Mitchell: But you saved us!
    Lauren: [Pleading] So save me.
    Annie: Oh, this is ridiculous!
    Mitchell: You're lucky. Most people don't get a chance to say goodbye.
    Annie: I know, but... fucking hell!
    George: You might want to have different last words.
    Annie: [Saying her farewells to Mitchell] Don't kill anyone!
    Mitchell: Good tip.
    Annie: Write that down.
    Annie: There's a question you haven't asked yourself yet. If I exist, what else does? You think you're the big bad wolf? You should see George on a full moon.
    [Owen glances at George, and sees a hint of the werewolf in him.]
    Annie: You think you're a cold-blooded murderer? Mitchell was killing 80 years before you were even born.
    [Owen glances at Mitchell, who blackens his eyes.]
    Annie: Don't you get it yet? I'm just the tip of the iceberg; I'm good cop. Look at you, so pleased with your grubby little murder. Fact is when it comes to pure naked evil, you're an amateur. I want you to know you wandered off the path. This is where the wild things are and we have got your scent now. We can find you at the edge of the earth and create unimaginable tortures...and now I'm gonna tell you the very worst thing in the world. Something only the dead know...
    [In the blink of an eye, she disappears and reappears at Owen's shoulder, and whispers in his ear]
    Owen: [scared, crying] That's not true!
    Annie: I saw it. My advice to you: find a safe place, with locks, and bad dogs...and never, ever turn out the light.
    Police Officer: How can I help you, sir?
    Owen: I need you to keep me safe!
    Police Office: All right. (takes out a form and a pen) Have you been threatened by someone?
    Owen: I killed my girlfriend. And now she lives with with what I think is...is a werewolf...and a vampire and they're gonna torture me so I need to find somewhere safe!
    [Beat]
    Police officer: I see. Well, in that case...we're going to need a different form.

### Bad Moon Rising

    Annie: It was nothing really, just a small good deed in the darkness. But fate is always playing the long-game. They were just two souls united by fear and solitude. Lost in the dark. Fate pushed them together and now they were going to find out why.
    Mark: If you're non-believers that's fine, we can just sit together for a few moments of quiet contemplation.
    George: Contemplation about what?
    Mark: The fiery oblivion that awaits all atheists?
    George: Oh, it's not that. I'm Jewish and... [gestures to Mitchell] he's complicated.
    Mark: Jewish people pray. I've seen Yentl.
    George: You're very sarcastic for a vicar.
    Mark: Yeah, so people tell me and I feel very bad about it, then I forgive myself.
    Mark: Let me talk to them.
    George: Yes, good idea.
    Mark: Oh! I was kinda hoping you'd say 'no'.
    George: Say something religious.
    Mark: Christ!
    [George encounters Herrick in the hospital canteen shortly after Mitchell has been staked]
    Herrick: George, George, it's fine. I'm not here to do anything to Mitchell. I mean, we'll get him but there's no hurry.
    Herrick: Avoid the hot chocolate.
    [George enters the undertakers and sees an old lady reading]
    George: [To Herrick] I thought the whole undertaker thing was just a front?
    Herrick: Oh it is. That's Nanna, she's one of us. She sits there, reads the brochures. Good for appearances. [To the old lady] You alright Nanna?
    Nanna: Oh, yes!
    Herrick: Had an affair with Hitler didn't you dear?
    Nanna: Oh, yes!
    George: Someone actually recruited an old woman?
    Herrick: Well, you know how it is. You're out and about, you get the munchies, you'll eat anything.
    Cara: Herrick came for me and now I have the blood of the ancestors. Ten thousand years of majesty and glory.
    Annie: Well, congratulations on mastering the whole speaking like a twat thing.
    Herrick: So a werewolf, a ghost and a vampire decide to live like humans do. They get jobs, a house and a TV license. They make friends they will lie to, take lovers they will infect-in fact, the only part of humanity they successfully adopt is its ability to deceive and destroy. All in all I'd say your little scheme has been something of a failure.
    George: [To Herrick] Haven't you worked it out yet? Humanity is about love and sacrifice. This doesn't rob me of my humanity... [Stands upright, to illustrate his point] It proves it.
    Annie: What happens next, Mitchell?
    George: Yeah, is it over? Are we safe now?
    Mitchell: Maybe Herrick was right, maybe some else will pick up where he left off.
    Kemp: Professor Jaggat... we've found them.

## Series 2
### Cure and Contagion

    George: I meant to ask, have you started dunking biscuits into your tea now?
    Annie: It was the logical next step.
    George: Dunking biscuits you can't eat into tea you can't drink is the logical next step?
    [George and Mitchell are completely silent]
    Annie: Okay, shut up! I'm gonna tell you. I have applied for a job.
    George: As what?
    Annie: Well, it's something that I've always fancied.
    George: Marrying Colin Firth isn't, strictly speaking, a job.
    Annie: They're advertising for bar staff at the New Found Out.
    Mitchell: The pub? That's the job you've always fancied? Jesus, aim for the stars.
    George: [to Annie] Well, your first week's wages are going on HobNobs.
    Mitchell: [Sarcastically] The disembodied spirit of a dead woman is getting a job in the service industry. What could possibly go wrong?
    George: It's not about you any more, so there's nothing left for you to do. You're like a piece of um...deadly furniture.
    Mitchell: Did you just call me deadly furniture?
    Nina: It's a lot to take in. I mean werewolves, ghosts, vampires. I didn't even believe in homeopathy before this.
    Mitchell: Look, are you okay?
    Lucy: I was a house officer at the Whittington in London. I had a boyfriend, a goldfish, a flat with a garden. When it was someone's birthday at work we'd have wine in mugs and eat Twix fingers and, do you know what? It was lovely. But because I am an idiot and because it was a promotion, I gave it all up and me and my goldfish moved here, where the doctors have an acronym for unattractive female patients; IWEJF - 'I wouldn't even jizz in her face'. And last night, I got home and my goldfish was gone - no body, no note, nothing. So no, I'm really not okay.
    Mitchell: Do you have a cat? Because chances are, that's what ate the goldfish.
    Lucy: I don't, but if I did I think I would have made that connection.
    Mitchell: A cat must have got in somehow.
    Lucy: Yeah, actually, could you just sort of piss off for a bit? [Pushes him out through the door. Mitchell pauses for a moment, then goes back in, annoyed]
    Mitchell: As my best friend so kindly pointed out to me this morning, I don't have a girlfriend, all my family are dead and I mop up puke and pee and shit for five quid an hour. So, much as I sympathise, if we're comparing isolation and disappointment I think I win. [turns to go]
    Lucy: I'm Lucy.
    Mitchell: Mitchell.
    Lucy: I keep screwing up, Mitchell.
    Mitchell: Then you're in good company.
    Kemp: One day you, the Professor and I will sit and take tea together and gaze up at a full and harmless moon. That will be our reward.
    Annie: Hey, there's a werewolf called Nina in Buffy!
    Nina: I've never seen it.
    Annie: No well, I stopped watching it once, you know, I started living it.
    Annie: Why don't you just use the phone at my house? I'm only up the road.
    Hugh: Well, I don't think that's such a good idea Annie.
    Saul: [Joking] Yeah he's right, I might murder you.
    Annie: [Laughs] Oh, plenty have tried.

### Serve God, Love Me and Mend

[Lucy enters lift, joining Mitchell and an unknown woman.]
    Mitchell: Someone's been sick in the shop. Some days it's all about the poo but today everyone's...being...sick.
[Awkward silence as unknown woman leaves lift.]
    Lucy: So, that was weird.
    Mitchell: I don't know how to talk to you. I know I came on too strong the other day but now...Oh my god, I've become my flatmate.
    Lucy: Okay, look, the replacement goldfish you gave me--
    Mitchell: Trevor.
    Lucy: I love him. We have such a laugh. He was the perfect gesture. And...and that's the speed I'm comfortable with, not forever, but just until I get my head... [Sighs.] Trevor was genius.
    Mitchell: So...what do we do now? Do I buy you another goldfish?
    Lucy: No, no, see you've gone weird again. How about a coffee?
    (Vienna 1999, Carl has Mitchell tied to a chair trying to help him get clean)
    Mitchell: Let me go. I've changed my mind.
    Carl: That's tough.
    Mitchell: I'm not ready.
    Carl: I remember saying that when I was tied to the chair.
    Mitchell: Just let me out, let me go out onto the street and we can start tomorrow.
    Carl: We've already started Mitchell.
    (Another man enters)
    Mitchell: Dan! Let me out! Let me out you queer or I'll rip your throat out! Rargh!
    Carl: Apologise.
    Mitchell: Piss off!!
    Carl: Mitchell, please apologise.
    Mitchell: (hangs his head) I'm sorry, Dan. I'm so sorry.
    Dan: Are you OK?
    Carl: Yes, just leave us.
    Mitchell: How long is this gonna take?
    Carl: Depends, maybe six months.
    Mitchell:Why are you doing this?
    Carl: Because it's what you'd do for me.
    Nina: I'm pretty sure 'werewolf' didn't come up when I spoke to my careers teacher, but life is full of disappointments.
    Mitchell: One of the times I tried to properly quit drinking blood, I was living with this vampire, Carl. And he helped me. He's been clean for, what-- I don't know-- twenty years now--
    George: You...um, sorry. You lived with someone...before me?
    Mitchell: ...What? Yeah, lots of people.
    George: But--Who?!
    Mitchell: ...Vampires? People-people, I don't know!
    George: Peo--oh, well, that's it.
    Mitchell: Oh, god. Don't get all--
    George: What? What?
    Mitchell: You! Don't get all you about this. Of course I've lived with other people. You think I've spent the past hundred years waiting for you and your...three different kinds of upholstery cleaner to show up?!
    George: You are being careful aren't you?
    Annie: Thanks, but I think I'm a bit old and dead for the contraception conversation.
    Annie: Hugh is like a brother to me.
    George: Oh, promise me you'll never tell him that.
    Annie: I think he's really sweet.
    George: Really sweet? Oh my God! Why not just stab him in the face? A brother? Annie, trust me, the only man who'd ever want to hear that is your actual brother.
    Ivan: Okay, two rules for Ivan's car: no food or drink and I get to choose the music and tonight we shall be listening to Miss Kate Bush.
    George: [to Mitchell] He's your murdering fugitive. If you want to keep him, then you have to look after him.
    Annie: What is it with me and volatile, unsuitable men? Be honest, am I Ulrika Jonsson?
    Mitchell: Fifty years and still the same car?
    Ivan: Been keeping her in storage, you know what it's like. If it goes, has a good body and you like being inside it, why get rid of it? It's a recipe for a happy marriage, too.
    Ivan: You think this ends tonight? [laughs] This is just the beginning. Today it's Carl, tomorrow it's someone else. It's like I said, you're sliding into chaos and there's no safety net now. They've been in hiding since Herrick died but they're gonna get hungry soon, then you're going to be waking up to headlines about vampires.
    Mitchell: If we did declare ourselves, but not the way Herrick wanted, but if we could just stop hiding.
    Ivan: What, are you imagining some kind of peaceful co-existence? It'd be chaos! Worldwide panic. Good news for religion, mind, especially Christianity. There'd be standing room only in the churches all of a sudden. And as soon as they knew about vampires, they'd know about werewolves, they'd know about ghosts. They'd be next. And when humanity had finally finished with us, it would turn on itself. First the other religions, massively in the minority now, then the homosexuals, the disabled...do you want to know what the future looks like? Enforced worship in churches a mile high, and every country surrounded by a coral reef of bones. But fuck it, maybe it should happen - there's nothing on TV at the moment.

### Long Live The King

    [A 17th century priest reads a death warrant to a group of vampires]
    Priest: Your teeth will be smashed from your skull as a warning to other devils, then your head will be removed from your body and... [turns to the back of the warrant] no, that's it actually.
    Annie: Strangely, being invisible makes purchasing pyramid teabags a touch awkward.
    [Annie reads George's poem about Nina]
    Annie: "My heart yearns for your fragrant hair"?
    George: That's private!
    Annie: Does she have fragrant hair?
    George: Yes. I'm a terrible poet and a terrible boyfriend.
    Annie: What's the last line? "Because you're worth it"?
    Annie: It's not interfering, it's more like regime change.
    George: Oh, because that's never gone wrong.
    Mitchell: Do you people have any FUCKING idea who I am!? My name is John Mitchell, and I've killed more people than you've met!
    Annie: We're like detectives - Crockett and Tubbs.
    George: Or Randall and Hopkirk deceased.
    George: You don't buy any food. You never hoover. I don't think you even know what a pair of Marigolds is!
    Mitchell: I don't do Marigolds.
    Annie: We need to talk. So, George, you start.
    George: [to Mitchell] Are you okay?
    Mitchell: I've been better. You?
    George: Likewise.
    Mitchell: We should just go out one night and just get hammered.
    George: Yeah, that's a good idea.
    Annie: That's it? That's how you share?
    George: What more is there to say?
    Mitchell: Yeah, he's feeling a bit down, which is pretty understandable and I'm kind of stressed. We don't need to turn this into an episode of Oprah.
    George: Exactly! File it under 'have discussed'.
    Mitchell: George do you wanna watch The Real Hustle?
    George: Oh I would really like that Mitchell. [to Annie] Women - think you're such authorities, like the way you deal with emotion is the only way.
    Mitchell: It's not on!
    George: Er, yeah it is. It's on at 10:30.
    Mitchell: No, they moved it.
    George: They what?! No, you're kidding me?!
    Mitchell: Oh I don't believe it!
    George: No, I was looking forward to that.
    Mitchell: 10:30 Thursdays. That's 'Real Hustle' time. A fucking child knows that!
    George: Could I just not have one good thing in my life...?
    Mitchell: ...It just drives me insane when they move things around...
    George: ...Don't I deserve it? Don't I deserve one bloody crumb of happiness?
    Mitchell: ...This is so...what, so we're supposed to check every week! Like we don't have anything else to do! Is it our responsibility? Why's it down to us?!
    George: I saw a preview. They were going to do a con about cashpoints.
    Mitchell: Really? [George nods] I would have loved that. You bastards! Argh!! [Mitchell flings the TV schedule at the television and walks into the kitchen as George sobs, Mitchell walks back wearing Marigolds] There, I'll do the washing-up! Is everyone happy now?!

### Educating Creature

    Annie: I'll haunt you!
    Sykes: You can't haunt another ghost.
    Annie: I'll give it a damn good go!
    George: There must be some other reason for chatting you up, like access to drugs.
    Mitchell: She's a doctor! She can steal her own drugs.
    George: Ah, so she's on drugs. That makes perfect sense.
    Mitchell: You see, it's pep talks like this I'm really going to miss.
    [George talks about his sudden onset of Tourette's]
    George: This can't be happening to me! This can't! I teach language!
    Mitchell: [Fighting a snigger] You could teach...bad language!
    [George reads vandalism on a mirror]
    George: "Mr. Sands Suck Cocks"? For God's sake! It's "Mr. Sands Sucks Cocks" - singular, not plural. Have I taught you nothing?
    Annie: [after George has stormed out] WOW! Clearly someone's been watching a little too much Gordon Ramsay!

### The Looking Glass

    Mitchell: What? There's no vampires in London?
    Herrick: Yeah, but their head guy and I don't, erm...I sort of killed his Mum.
    [Police storm into Mitchell's bedroom]
    Police Officer: [To Mitchell] You! Get up!!
    Mitchell: It's the library books, isn't it?
    [Annie and George watch as Mitchell is driven away by the police]
    Annie: [To George] What's he done?
    George: How far back do you want to go?
    George: What's your cat's name, Molly?
    Molly: Molly.
    George: Your cat's called Molly and you're called Molly?
    Molly: My Dad really liked the name. Do you like cats?
    George: Yeah, I couldn't eat a whole one though. [To himself] Who am I kidding? Of course I could.
    Josie: I'm not scared of you...at least not as scared as I probably should be.
    Mitchell: Yeah. You should be terrified. You should be begging for fucking mercy.
    Josie: I should be married to David Bowie.
    [George enters the house to see Annie holding a baby]
    George: What is that?
    Annie: A baby. It's one of mine.
    George: How long have I been gone?!
    Kemp: [To Professor Jaggat] You know one of the few things I like about you is that you don't call supper 'tea'. There are many things I hate in this modern world: secularism, showbiz news, but tea is barbaric.
    George: My mother's maiden name is Herod, my internet password is 'password1', I'm indifferent about all competitive sports, and I prefer lager to beer. I don't understand fishing. What is fishing? I'm scared of cancer, I voice hypocritical objections to drive-through takeaways and I lost my virginity on a canal boat in Tring.
    Sam: Favourite colour?
    George: That would be gamboges - it's a kind of orangey brown.
    Mitchell: You're not scared of me?
    Jaggat: No, at least probably not as much as I should be.
    Mitchell: What did you say?

### In The Morning

    Annie: George, I didn't think you would seriously go through with it. I thought the moment would just pass. You know, like when you decided you were gonna wear skinny jeans.
    Mitchell: Skinny jeans?
    George: That was a private conversation.
    Mitchell: Skinny jeans, George? Seriously?
    George: It...it was a moment of madness.
    Annie: No, this is a moment of madness! You cannot move in with someone you've just started dating! Tell him, Mitchell!
    Mitchell: Skinny jeans, George?!?
    George: Yes, yes, alright...look, where the hell were you last night?
    Mitchell: I was with Lucy. We, er...we finally, um...you know. Decided to, em...
    Annie: Oh, this is like the problem pages of Just 17. You had sex, Mitchell. Sex.
    Mitchell: Yeah.
    Robin: Christmas 1998. Faulty panto pyrotechnic. One minute I'm standing in the wings watching Widow Twankey belt out a chorus of "La Vida Loca" the next? Bang! Flat out on my back with every hair on my body standing to attention.
    Annie: Gosh, that's awful.
    Robin: It was a terrible shock.
    Annie: Yeah, I bet it was.
    Robin: No, I mean literally. It was a terrible shock. That's what killed me.
    Annie: You can say it, George. I'm not gonna cry or anything.
    George: We've found a new house and we're gonna stay there tonight.
    Annie: [Annie starts to sob] Oh, God!
    Ivan: I'm just one step away from wiping out an entire branch of Argos.
    Mitchell: Look. You just spread the word, OK. I want everyone there.
    Ivan: Just leave it to me. I've got most of them on my Twitter feed, so...
    Mitchell: Ivan, I've met someone. I can't be with her and be part of this. I know it's a big ask. I know it's a huge favor, but I can't. She's my way out of this chaos. This could be my last chance and if I get...Oh, forget it! It doesn't matter.
    Ivan: You should have said it was about love. I get it now. We all lead long and appalling lives. But I have my Daisy. Everyone deserves a Daisy.

### Damage

    Sam: [To George] You know, it's like you're still there. Sat in that house with Mitchell, watching The Real Hustle, surrounded by cups of cold tea.
    Nina: They might have a cure.
    George: For what?
    Nina: Cystitis. What do you think?!
    George: Right, so we have a defrocked priest and a mad scientist. No, no alarm bells ringing so far.
    Mitchell: Daisy needs closure. And she's decided that the best way of getting that is by cutting your throat.
    Daisy: It's healthy to turn anger outward, you see.
    Mitchell: Ah no, not him again. I thought he moved out! He's always fucking here.
    George: Oh god. Are you drunk? I hate it when you're drunk. Listen, I need to tell you something important and you'll probably want to have a wrestle, but, uh, listen. I'm going to that place with Nina and the priest and Professor Jaggat.
    Annie: And I'm going to go with him.
    George: Yeah. So, ah—
    Mitchell: Good. Piss off. 'Cause I'm getting really sick of your dog hairs on my clothes.
    Mark: I could save you.
    Mitchell: Excuse me?
    Mark: I saw you in the hospital. The way George looked at you when you were dying. This isn't that man.
    Mitchell: I don't get saved.

### All God's Children

    Message from Tully —
    GEORGE, ALL THE WEREWOLVES DIE. TULLY.
    Lucy Jaggat: I saw Amy McBride this morning.
    Kemp: Amy McBride is dead.
    Lucy Jaggat: She spoke to me. She said, "It's coming."
    Kemp: What is?
    Lucy Jaggat: Retribution, my stuff from Amazon... she didn't go into detail.
    [Talking about Mitchell]
    Nina: He's a 116-year-old mass murderer, not a fucking gerbil!
    Nina: We could play I Spy.
    George: Oh, no.
    Nina: I spy, with my little eye...
    George: Please. Please don't do this!
    Nina: Live with it. It's happening.
    Mitchell: [To Lucy] You have such a reductive view on the world. You say God made man in His own image. But what if that included His rage, and His spite, and His indifference, and His cruelty? God created all of us, we are all God's children... but God's a bit of a bastard. [Smiles] Look at us both. Covered in other people's blood and talking about morality... but there's one difference between you and me: You had a choice.
    Nina: I've got one of your books. 600 pages of utter bullshit!
    Lucy Jaggat: Did you keep the receipt?
    Mitchell: It was Inch High Private Eye that led her here.
    George: What happens now, Mitchell? What do we do?
    Mitchell: We're going to get her back.

## Series 3
### Lia

    George: Is it soundproof? It's just, um, I can get pretty.. "Rarr! Rarr!".. when I'm working out. "Feel the burn", "Who's your daddy?"... "Say what you see..."
    Nina: Oh god.
    Mitchell: Annie was there. She was on the screen.
    George: What? You're kidding?
    Nina: Is she okay? What did she say?
    Mitchell: We're running out of time.
    [Estate agent looks at them.]
    George: Um, it's our friend, she's er...she's in... Midsummer Murders.
    Nina: [In lingerie, with a new haircut, to George] Ahem... What do you think?
    [George looks shocked and then excited]
    Nina: Mm? I had a little left over from the food shop, and I thought it might be nice to have something for y'know, us. Hence... [gestures to hair] and hence... [gestures to lingerie]... It was either that or off-peak gym membership.
    George: You made absolutely the right decision.
    Nina: Really?
    [They start kissing]
    George: Ow!
    Nina: What? What? [George tries to get something that was poking him] What is that?
    George: Pen... Hello.
    Nina: Hello.
    [They start kissing again]
    Nina: Ow! Hair, stuck, glasses...!
    George: Oh is it? Oh, shit, sorry. Oh hang on, it's really tangled.
    Nina: George! Eee, ow.
    George: Shhh, don't pull away!
    Nina: Quickly!... Oh....
    George: You alright?
    Nina: Yeah, fine.
    George: Right. Where were we?... Hello.
    Nina: Hello...
    [They continue kissing... Mitchell bursts in.]
    Mitchell: Have you got a radio?
    George: What?!
    Mitchell: I need a radio. I have an idea. [Mitchell climbs over them to grab the radio on the table next to them]
    Nina: Ow, ow, Mitchell!
    George: What are you doing?!
    Mitchell: Cheers.
    Nina: Just give me a bloody kiss. [She kisses a distracted George] Oh, look, just forget about it.
    George: He's ruined everything!
    Nina: Another night.
    Mitchell: Have we met before?
    Lia: H-12
    Mitchell: H-12? What does that mean?
    Lia: It's a riddle. I love riddles, don't you? Like the one about the midget. So, there's this midget who gets into a lift and— I've just given away the answer. Am I rambling?
    Mitchell: I'm not a victim.
    Lia: So you're what? What? "Misunderstood"?
    Mitchell: I'm an animal! I don't deserve mercy or forgiveness! I'm a murderer! I couldn't help myself; I loved it. The sensation, the power... I was dead but I never felt so alive. I wasn't human anymore. I lost my conscience, I was free, and that's what I was addicted to. I hacked my way through the world... I left a trail of blood, a thousand miles long... and I loved it. I'm a disease. I'm a plague. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
    Lia: You can have Annie back. But there's a price.
    Mitchell: I'll stay. I want you to take me to all my victims. I want to feel it. I want to suffer. I don't want to hide anymore. I just want her back.
    Lia: It's not that simple. The time and cause of your death have already been set. But there are things that need to happen first. You see, you're the final piece in someone else's story. And they need to complete their journey and in order to do that... they have to kill you.
    Mitchell: What?
    Lia: You're gonna be killed by a werewolf. A wolf-shaped bullet. Bang!
    Mitchell: Who?
    Annie: And, um, will I come back here one day?
    Lia: Well. We all end up here eventually. The problem with you was you came through the wrong door. But next time you'll come through the right one and it'll be Boggle and Pina Coladas 24-7. Spit spot! Mitchell's waiting. Is anything going on between you guys? I mean he came to purgatory to find you. Puts my ex-boyfriend's tattoo into perspective.
    Annie: My name is Annie Clare Sawyer and two years ago I died. But in so many ways, that's when my life began. In the company of horrors, I learned about friendship and loyalty, sacrifice and courage. Humanity isn't a species, it's a state of mind. It can't be defeated, it moves mountains, it saves souls. We were blessed as much as we were cursed. In this little enclave of the lost I witnessed the very best of being human.

### Adam's Family

    Nina: [after chasing Adam through the hospital] And where do you think you're going?
    Adam: Oh... I thought I'd try my luck in Haematology.
    George: Home sweet home.
    Adam: It's a shit hole.
    George: Yes, but it's our shit hole so show some manners.
    Adam: Mitchell? Is that another ghost? A bloody Hogwart's, this place.
    Annie: Tell her how much you enjoy the work.
    Mitchell: Oh, this is... ah...
    Annie: That you were inspired by Florence Nightingale to bring cleanliness to the wards.
    Mitchell: Oh, god—
    Annie: Don't say God, she might be religious.
    Mitchell: Shit!
    Annie: God is better.
    Mitchell: It isn't a complicated job! I've done it before, I can do it again. What more is there to say?! Oh.
    Nita Mawulawde (who cannot hear or see Annie): I don't think there's anything more to say.
    Richard: So this is what all the fuss is about. You know, I expected some demon. What do I find? The last Russell Brand in the shop.
    Adam: I think you need a new wingman. I, sir, am a registered poon hound.
    George: Have you ever actually had sex, Adam? You know, proper, balls-deep sex? You touched a boob? Be honest with me, Adam. have you ever even touched a boob? Because I have! Loads!
    George: I'm sure he'll settle right in there. I mean they do have a massive telly.
    Nina: Oof. Ginormous.
    George: The whole house, it was furnished to the highest standards.
    Nina: Yeah. And so clean.
    George: It was immaculate. I mean, Richard and Emma themselves were slightly, what? Eccentric perhaps...
    Nina: I'd go for "unreconstructed."
    George: Really?
    Nina: Yeah.
    George: Would you?
    Nina: Mm.
    George: And, well... kinky.
    Nina: Filthy. Just arseholes.
    George: A pair of complete and utter kinked-up, filthy racist arseholes.
    Nina: We've just left a vulnerable young boy with a pair of, not only instinctive killers, but heinous pervs.
    George: Do you realize I'm zipping my coat up and going back there.
    Nina: Yeah. And I'm going with you.
    Richard: You come in here with your ridiculous blunt morality and you understand nothing of his world, nothing of his needs! Tell you what, let's leave it to Adam, eh? So Adam, what's it to be? A life of comfort, privilege and all the pleasures that a young man could ever dream of. Or hardship, desperation and hunger.
    Adam: I choose them.
    George: You may need to be a bit more specific.
    Adam: Oh, yeah, I mean you. George and Nina, I choose you.

### Type 4

    George: What have we got?
    Mitchell: A drunk, dead woman. Shouting.
    George: That's not a ghost. I can smell her.
    Mitchell: What, from here?
    George: Oh yeah. Even without the whole wolf thing.
    Annie: Well of course you can smell her. She's got a body! [they look at her] I'm sure I mentioned that.
    Mitchell: So what do we call you?
    Sasha: Anything you like, sweetheart. [Annie yanks her hair with the straighteners]
    Annie: Oh! Oh, sorry. Look, you got caught there. Caught a bit of your hair, sorry.
    Sasha: Don't worry, babe. I can tell you're not used to a beauty regime.
    [repeated line]
    George: I only got up for a pee!
    Mitchell: I don't think it was just Sasha. There's four subject sheets here. All came back to life, all at the same time. I think they were testing them. Trying to find out what they were, how they worked, if it could spread. I think they were scared.
    Annie: [staring in horror at footage on a digital camera of a conscious, screaming zombie being dissected by surgeons] I know the feeling. Did it say anything about anaesthetic in there?
    Mitchell: Yeah. "Anaesthetic ineffective." How did you know?
    Annie: They did it anyway. What did they do with them afterwards?
    Mitchell: [slowly realising the extent of the situation] Incinerated them...as a health hazard.
    Annie: Were they still alive, when they burned them?
    Mitchell: We owe her, George.
    George: We owe her? Why do we owe her?
    Mitchell: She came back to life two weeks ago. All of them did, when I was on the other side.
    Annie: Saving me.
    Nina: So. Hang on, what are we saying? That Death's Door was engaged?
    Annie: Her spirit couldn't pass over because of me.
    Mitchell: We made her. We owe her, all of us do.
    Sasha: It all falls away. The looks, money. Lovers, friends.
    Annie: Not all your friends.
    Sasha: No. Not all your friends. And the ones that are there at the end, they're the real ones, aren't they?
    Annie: Yeah. Yeah.
    Sasha: Thank you. For being my friend, Annie...
    Nina: George, would you like...to have...a little...hairy baby with me?

### The Pack

    McNair: Do you know what you're doing?
    Nina: I'm a nurse. We need to get him to the hospital.
    McNair: I can stitch that back up at the truck. Come on, Tom. You can walk.
    Nina: What, in the tetanus mobile? Are you kidding?
    McNair: You know what I don't understand? Is what a clean and kind girl like you is doing with a vampire.
    Annie: How did you know?!
    McNair: I see things. Live the life we do, pays to know who's safe and who's a threat.
    Annie: Look. My first boyfriend took naked photos of me while I was asleep and put them on the internet. My second boyfriend got drunk and asked my mum for a threesome. My third boyfriend pushed me down the stairs and killed me. So I think a vampire's pretty much...marriage material, given my track record.
    George: How come we didn't tear each other apart?
    Annie: Well, it was really quite sweet actually. I mean after the wolves finished trying to kill Mitchell, George just kind of padded around you all protective. And then the other two stayed on the other side kind of wrestling around and marking their territory.
    McNair: Maybe they are your pack.
    Tom: I think they've got their own pack. No - Limehead in Cornwall's where I want to go.
    McNair: You can take the truck. I'll be all right.
    Tom: We still need to find a distributor cap. Plus you need to teach me how to drive.

### The Longest Day

    [regarding Herrick]
    George: Mitchell! What are we going to do.
    Mitchell: Stake him. [he runs out of the room]
    Nina: What did he say?
    Nina: You arrive late. Bombed on bloody Red Bull. Talking a load of inconsequential guff about Druids and kitchen units. And now you accuse me of...of what? Fraudulently inventing a vulnerable relative just to cover up the fact that you've deleted his records!
    Wendy: I didn't delete a—
    Nina: Doorstepped by the tabloids is gonna seem like a walk in the park when I'm done with you. What's your manager's number, Wendy? I am gonna unleash a shitstorm!
[Wendy bursts into tears]
    George: You're the best friend I've ever had. And probably ever will have. But I will turn my back on you. I will wipe you from my memory and I will never mention your name again. I will never tell my son or daughter that I had a friend called Mitchell. It will be as if we'd never met. That's it. Now you make your choice.
    Herrick: Give me a clue, little lady. Chuck me a bone. What are you?
    Annie: What am I? On to you, that's what I am. I'm on to you, little man.

### Daddy Ghoul

    Herrick: You know the Old Ones, they kill at will. But they don't recruit lightly. In fact, most of them only do it once. They choose a protège. It's an eternal bond.
    Mitchell: I don't need a protège.
    Herrick: It isn't always about you. Why do you think some of us live forever and others are like...fireflies?
    Mitchell: Because some of us are smart and some of us are stupid.
    Herrick: If you choose an heir, they inherit all your secrets. They become a dark angel. Your protector. Your saviour.
    Mitchell: Saviour from what?
    Herrick: Oh. Perhaps a fate we've been led to belief there is no salvation from.
    Mitchell: So...if something happens to you...
    Herrick: They can bring you back.
    Mitchell: And that's possible?
    Herrick: That and so much more.
    Mitchell: So you want me to be your heir?
    Nina: Hello.
    George: I like watching you sleep. I look at you and I think, "She's mine. She's all mine."
    Nina: Hm. That's sweet. Creepy and slightly Ted Bundy-esque. But sweet.
    George, Sr.: George? My god. I don't, I can't— I don't dare believe it. My god, George. I thought you were dead. I thought I'd never see you again. I hoped...I prayed. I dreamt, but I never actually— Here you are. You've come back. You've come back to me. Say something to your old man.
    George: I've missed you, Dad.
    Mitchell: Annie, can we just forget about it?
    Annie: Forget about it? Someone is trying to link you to the murder of twenty innocent people, Mitchell.
    Mitchell: You heard what she said. It's probably nothing.
    Annie: And I might believe that, if you weren't so shaken by it.
    Mitchell: What? No I'm not.
    Annie: I know you, Mitchell.
    DC Nancy Reed: I saw those men and women. Or...what was left of them. All I want to do is help catch the bastard that butchered them.
    Cooper: And you will, Nancy. You will.
    George, Sr.: Ruth. Ruth, I need you to listen to me.
    Nina: That's much better. That's great. Very strong, very focused.
    George, Sr.: I'm the one you should be with.
    Nina: Brilliant!
    George, Sr.: And the reasons for this are three-fold -
    Nina: Oh, again with the three-fold!
    George: Dad, you're not trying to secure her vote for the local election. We need to nail this.
    George, Sr.: I'm gonna fly, Jack! I'm gonna fly!
    Nina: Did your dad just misquote Titanic ?
    George: Yeah. Just...don't ask.

### Though The Heavens Fall

    Cooper: So match one: Sheffield. Sally Fenzer. Severe head trauma. Body found by her flatmate.
    Nancy: Jesus, he's done this before?
    Cooper: Check the date.
    Annie: We really shouldn't be here.
    Nancy: Twenty-fourth of December...nineteen sixty?
    Annie: He used to be a very very different person.
    Nancy: There's no way whoever did this could just have the same prints as my guy?
    Cooper: Impossible.
    Nancy Shit. Hang on, you said there were two matches with his. What was the second?
    Cooper: Box Tunnel Massacre.
    Cooper: Don't worry. This isn't how you're going to die. I just needed to make you a little more receptive. See I'm going to give you a gift. You've been head-hunted, Nancy, for an exciting new opportunity. Think of it as evolutionary promotion.
    [Annie stakes him from behind]
    Annie: She's not interested.
    Herrick: I have something of a dilemma, Nina. Perhaps you can help me.
    Nina: Christ, you made me jump. What the hell happened here? And why are you wearing that?
    Herrick: See the thing is, your boyfriend tore me—literally—limb from limb. Now, aside from anything else, have you ever heard of anything so...undignified? [Chuckles, then puts his hand over Nina's mouth before she can shout for help] But the pain...was incredible. And I remember every moment. And so now, not unreasonably I think you'll agree, I want him to suffer. But not for moments. For days, weeks...months. And the best way of doing that, um, is to kill you. Here's my dilemma. You were kind to me. Everyone else in the house wanted me dead. Except for you...It's a knotty one, isn't it?
[pause]
    Herrick: You're right. My quarrel is not with you. [He leaves. Nina gasps in relief and turns away to lean on the sink for support...and then Herrick quickly returns]. But then people would say I was going soft. [stabs Nina in the kidney]

### The Wolf-Shaped Bullet

    Annie: Lia, what's going on? You told me that I had to come straight here. That Mitchell was in danger.
    Lia: Oh, Annie. I made it up.
    Annie: You made it up?
    Lia: On the spot. I just wanted to screw with Mitchell's head. “The Wolf-Shaped Bullet."
    Annie: But why?
    Lia: Well, I wanted to drive a wedge between him and George and Nina. But instead of getting suspicious of them he got all worked up about the other two. Tom and...what was it? McIntyre? Macintosh? Well. Whatever. Oh Annie, you didn't really believe it, did you? I can't control people. I can't see the future. You've been watching too much TV.
    Annie: If there's no prophecy, then why is this happening?
    Lia: Well what you really need to worry about is the self-fulfilling prophecy, Annie. He made it come true. There really is a wolf-shaped bullet. That he carved his name on.
    George: He killed my Nina. And you killed all those people. You don't say my name now. You don't even look at me now. You are not my friend. You better go. Your boss is waiting.
    Annie: This is all just one big game to you, isn't it?
    Lia: This wasn't a game! This is revenge! He killed me. Let me tell you something about revenge. It isn't petulant or being a sore loser. It's righteous. A game ? Fuck you. This is what needs to happen. Revenge is about setting the world straight again.
    Annie: It didn't work though, did it?
    Lia: Well, I've still got you and I've still got him grief-stricken without you.
    Annie: I don't know who that man is. But I doubt you'll get much in the way of grief-stricken from him.
    Mitchell: You were the love of my long life.
    Annie: And you were the love of mine.
[George is about to stake Mitchell, at Mitchell's prolonged request]
    Wyndham: [from outside] One, two, buckle my shoe; three, four, knock at the door; five, six, put down sticks!
    Wyndham: This is what is going to happen. Mitchell, you're coming with me. I think you're going to come in useful one day so this... martyrdom isn't an option.
    Mitchell [almost sobbing in despair]: No. No, please, I don't want that. This, this has to be the end.
    Wyndam: Sorry. You're going to dance for me. You are going to kill and rampage. [to Mitchell] You are going to be my attack dog. And the day that you say no is the day that I crucify George and Nina. In Regent's Park. [grins] What about the rest of you? What about...Annie? Now, I think you're more powerful than you imagine so I'm going to keep you around. Besides, [whispers to Annie] There are going to be a lot more ghosts soon. [to George and Nina] And then there are the history makers. A werewolf impregnated by another werewolf. We've never seen the like. The others want you culled. I'm the curious type. I want to see exactly what it is that's going to pop out. But there's something I want you to do in return. I want you to pass on a message. To every werewolf, every ghost, every vampire that you meet. You tell them this: the world is under new management now. It is year dot. You tell them this. The age of the vampires has begun.
    [George picks up the dropped stake from earlier and aims it at Wyndham]
    Wyndham: Oh, George... [raises eyebrow] Really?
    [George draws back his hand... then spins round rapidly and rams the stake into Mitchell]
    George: [to Mitchell] I'm doing this because I love you.
    Mitchell: I know.
    [Mitchell smiles peacefully, then slowly turns to dust and crumbles apart. George, Nina and Annie cluster together and turn to face Wyndham.]
    George: [to Wyndham] I think you've got a fight on your hands.

## Series 4
### Eve of the War

    Voice on the Radio: Ladies and gentlemen of the resistance, good evening. Oh, you'd have been so proud of your comrades. They put up quite a fight. But we slit their throats and stamped on their bones all the same. New York has fallen. The resistance have been crushed. The earth belongs to the vampires.
    Annie: I just think we need to talk about this first.
    George: What's to talk about? I thought you wanted me to stop moping.
    Annie: George, I meant have a shower, not...storm the Bat Cave!
    Leo: Together, we did the impossible. A werewolf, a vampire and a ghost. But this doesn't have to be the end for you. Remember this moment. Remember what we had.
    Hal: We will.
    Leo: We were on the outside of humanity so we could guard it. Do you understand? So we could guard it.
    Regus: [excitedly] We're all gonna die - Game Over - because of this baby! [assuming a serious air] I mean, we're all gonna die, because of this baby.
[George is dying.]
    George: Annie. It's okay. It's just the end of my story. I have to be with my Nina.
    Annie: Please, George. Please, not you as well, I can't. I can't lose you as well.
    George: You take care of her.

### Being Human 1955

    Tom: I ain't done nowt!
    Annie: You haven't done anything!
    Tom: Exactly!
    Annie: No, Tom, I'm not agreeing with you. Your grammar is appalling.
    Annie: So, how do you all know each other?
    Pearl: We live together.
    Annie: You what?
    Pearl: I know it's a bit unusual.
    Annie: No, it's not that. It's just that, um...Well I...
    Pearl: Three supernaturals all under the same roof.
    Annie: Yes, exactly, and I...
    Pearl: I mean, a werewolf and a vampire becoming friends. It's unheard of, I suppose.
    Annie: Well no, actually. Not that unheard of, because I...
    Pearl: I think it's largely my influence.
    Annie: Interestingly enough, I...
    Pearl: Some might say I've done achieved the impossible.
    Annie: [Shouts] I did it! [Quieter] I'm sorry. Um, I did it. I did it too. It's not anything to shout about really, is it? But I did do it.
    Hal: What, there's a vampire here?
    Annie: Er... No, not exactly. Things have changed a lot for us recently, so...
    Pearl: Oh, that's a pity. Over 55 years and I've never had to change my line-up.
    Annie: Good.
    Annie: All powerful and merciful Eve, we have come here today to ask you to assist our dear friend, Leo. We humbly beseech thee to restore him to health, drive away all illness and infirmary, strengthen him, raise him up so that he may... [Searches for missing paper] Ahem... Raise him up so that he may...stand on mountains. Raise him up so that he may walk on stormy seas. Let the road rise to meet him. Let the force be with him. Carpe diem. Veni, vidi, vici. Et tu, Brute. Dolce et Gabbana est. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen!
    [Leo collapses]
    Annie: Oh my God!!
    Pearl: Oh. Is this the lady in the longjohns attacking my dress sense?
    Annie: I'm not attacking... Sorry, beg your pardon?
    Pearl: The carpets need a good clean.
    Annie: These are not longjohns, they're leggings.
    Pearl: And a bar in the living room? What message does that send out?
    Annie: And actually, I died in 2007 and I do still see people in them today, so...You know, actually, I was quite fashion forward with these...leggings.
    Pearl: We'll need to start using a new brand of tea. That stuff you make always looks very anaemic.
    Annie: [Holding back anger] There is nothing wrong with my tea.
    Hal: God. Annie, yours is even better than mine.
    Annie: My what?
    Hal: Your mask.

### The Graveyard Shift

    Hal: Kill me. Seriously, kill me now. You can tell Annie I attacked you, or something.
    Tom: Maybe later, if you work really hard.
    [Regus answers his door to Annie, who sees he has a black eye.]
    Annie: What happened to your face?
    Regus: My lunch fought back. I'd rather not talk about it. But who takes a crowbar with them when they walk the dog? I mean who does? That's just weird!
    Regus: I think you need to feed me.
    Annie: You do know I'm dead, huh? So, you can try biting me, but all you're gonna get is an ice-cream headache.
    Regus: You've got to go and hide somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Go to Bangor.
    Michaela: Urgh, no offence, but, like, I'm into guys that are just a little bit more edgy. You know, a little bit more darkness about them. [Hal and Tom both laugh] Are you laughing at me? You'd better not be laughing at me!
    Tom: No, we weren't, honestly.
    Hal: Sorry, it's just, um, a private joke, you see. We're actually both quite dark in our own little ways.
    Tom: Yeah, but he's darker than me, I'm only dark occasionally.
    Annie: [Frustrated with Tom and Hal ignoring her] Annie! How was your day? Oh, thank you. Thank you for asking, because it was a bit weird. I got stalked by a vampire in the park and then I pushed my sex memories into another vampire's sad little vampire brain. Ooh, that is weird Annie. Yes, I know. Thank you for asking.
    Tom: Is there something you'd like to tell us, Annie?
    Hal: I cannot sleep in a barn, or a tent or a caravan or anywhere without central heating, carpets and Radio 4, and that should be on my list.
    Hal: Look, I'm not sure what you were used to when George and, er Tina were around, but...
    Annie: Their names...were Nina...George...and Mitchell. And this was their home. And they were my friends. And they would have listened to me.
    [Michaela throws money at Hal]
    Hal: I used to ride a horse once.
    Michaela: What? What's that got to do with it?
    Hal: [Babbling] I had a sword. I was respected. Better than that, I was feared. Peasants had their backs flayed for looking at me funny.
    Tom: You alright Hal?
    Hal: It was brutal, but it worked. We had order, we had respect, and now, we have this.
    Tom: OK, then, mate. Let's go in the back and have a bit of a chat, shall we? Come on.
    Hal: And I had a shield. A red one!
    [Hal and Tom sit watching The Real Hustle]
    Tom: What we watching?
    Hal: I don't know. Something about conmen.
    Tom: Anything else on?
    [Hal changes the channel to The Antiques Roadshow]

### A Spectre Calls

    [Eve cries and Hal holds her. He's very uncomfortable.]
    Hal: Please, don't do that, little baby. Help! Anyone!
    Tom: Annie's made a rota.
    Hal: I already have a rota.
    [Hal and Tom look at Annie's rota]
    Tom: 7am, I feed the baby. 8am, You walk the baby. There's a task for every hour and it's colour coded.
    Hal: Little pictures of nappies and bottles. And Glitter.
    Hal: She's planned every moment of every minute of every day of our lives.
    Tom: We must destroy this.
    Hal: [Doing press-ups] 90...91...
    Annie: Hal?
    Hal: 92...
    Annie: Hal, um, It's 12 o'clock, so baby massage and stimulating story time.
    Hal: 98... 99...
    Annie: 100, Great! Um, Eve needs to...
    Hal: 102... 103... 104...
    Annie: Kirby's great, isn't he?
    Hal: 105...
    Annie: He's quite funny too.
    [Hal continues his press-ups]
    Annie: Now you're just showing off!
    [Hal stops his press-ups. He gets up]
    Hal: I can't do twelve till one.
    Annie: Yes, but it's on the rota.
    Hal: Yes, but on my rota it says 12 o'clock, press-ups, then You and Yours on Radio 4.
    Annie: Oh!
    Hal: It's important. It keeps me...
    Annie: Buff?
    Hal: No.
    Annie: Up to date with consumer affairs?
    Hal: No, it keeps me from killing.
    Annie: Oh.
    Hal: And you've seen me. This is how I focus and control it.
    Annie: So you take it out on your pecs.
    Hal: Better them than humanity.
    Annie: Hal, we're meant to be a team.
    [Hal sighs.]
    Hal: OK.
    Annie: And when you said humanity you meant...
    Hal: I'd kill everyone I encountered until I was sated. Barry, Cardiff, most of South Wales.
    Annie: Right. Not all bad, then. OK... [Hands Eve over to him] Well, don't forget to use lavender oil for the massage. OK?
    Hal: I never forget anything.
    Annie: It must be lovely being you. Always the cleverest and the oldest and never forget anything for hundreds of years.
    Hal: No. It's terrible.
    Dr North: You look after the baby on your own do you?
    Tom: Umm...
    Annie: Hal! Get down here now!
    Dr North: Are you the baby's sole carer?
    Tom: Nope. It's not just me.
    Dr North: There's the baby's mother?
    Tom: Sort of, yeah.
    Dr North: Is everything all right here? Because you seem rather odd.
    Hal: What do you mean by that?
    Dr North: [sees Hal] Who are you?
    Hal: [Uncomfortable] I'm, um...
    [Hal looks at Annie]
    Annie: Say it.
    Hal:I'm his...boyfriend.
    [Eve gurgles]
    Tom: Yeah, me and him, we've...
    Hal: When you said rather odd, what were you implying?
    Dr North: That's he's a halfwit.
    Dr North: I had no idea you were gay. Most of the gay couples I know have taste.
    Kirby: You see evil is like travelling first class. Try it once and you can never go back.
    Woman: So Annie's really gone, has she?
    Kirby: Like a fart on the breeze.
    Annie: Is it me, or do I have the worst taste in men...ever?
    Annie: [Singing to Tom] Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! [To Hal] Come on, Hal.
    Hal: I don't sing.

### Hold the Front Page

    Yvonne: Adam warned me you were different. But never let it be said that Yvonne Bradshaw isn't "open minded". Our head of French is a member of Amnesty, so I know the drill.
    Yvonne: In modern parlance, one might say we are 'on the run'.
    Annie: Why, what've you done?
    Adam: Her. [indicates Yvonne]
    Annie: You know, when I was 16, a photographer told me I was pretty enough to be in a catalogue. Yeah, a catalogue, Hal. You don't hear me going on about it.
    Hal: I've only been here a few weeks, you've already told me twice.
    Adam: Listen, Count Dracula, don't think you'll get anywhere with her. She's mine. Our bedroom was like the Discovery Channel last night.
    Hal: You know, you remind me of a conquest back in Madrid in 1784. I wooed her with a thousand tulips.
    Adam: Well, that'd be your first mistake. [To Yvonne] You have awful hay fever, don't you?
    Yvonne: It's true. I'm a martyr to it.
    Annie: What's it going to be? Good cop, bad cop? I could be good cop, suddenly turned crazy, psycho ghost cop.
    Hal: You do know Tom's planning to build a swimming pool in the back garden?
    Annie: [Excited] Yes!
    Hal: You're in denial about it, aren't you?
    Annie: Yes! It's brilliant.
    Cutler: Thomas, you're about to become very, very famous.

### Puppy Love

    Allison: Don't tell me you're still on MySpace?
    Hal: We're more Ceefax people.
    Golda: The last time somebody spoke to me like that, I used their skin as a Filofax cover. God, I miss the '80s!
    Kane: Shit happens. Life's a contact sport. If you can't stand the heat, stay inside on bonfire night.
    Cutler: What?
    Golda: He likes action films, don't ask.
    Allison: And you're condoning this?!
    Cutler: Well, we can't exactly go to Ofcom.
    Hal: Then it is time to declare your intentions! First, write her a poem. Then speak to her father.
    Tom: Annie said I should just get drunk and try and to snog her.
    Hal: It's all so brutish these days! I preferred the dowry system.
    Emrys: I've never been kissed.
    Annie: What?
    Emrys: When I was alive.
    Annie: [disbelieving] Really? Never, ever? In your whole life?
    Allison: It's not that unbelievable.
    Tom: I could imagine actually.
    Hal: We've all had dry spells.
    [Tom stakes Kane]
    Kane: [Trying to think of last words] Something about...heartburn? Heart...break? No, that doesn't work, does it? Shit! [dies]
    Annie: I have a baby - Eve. I have to look after her.
    Woman: Annie... I am the baby.
    Annie: What?
    Woman: It's me, Annie...Mum. I'm Eve.

### Making History

    Hal: It's not dissatisfaction. It's a feeling more akin to having been born in captivity. A seeping realisation that your dreams and ambitions are just too big, too rich for this domestic world.
    Hal: Three people can't have dinner together. That's barbaric!
    Annie: So, this is the future? Really?
    Eve: For you. Yeah.
    Annie: Ooh, do people have jetpacks?
    Eve: No. Mostly everyone's dead.
    Cutler: Softly softly, massacre monkey.
    Cutler: You could go straight back to the top of the pile. That's cool. That's your rightful place. All I ask for in return is that when they write the history of what's about to happen, they give me a mention, and a statue. And maybe Brazil.
    Hal: I like your mouth.
    Alex: Oh, thanks sugar. I'm sure that sounded less creepy in your head.
    Annie: [Tom]'s like a child. He's lovely. He's like a pet. Bloody big one, like a St Bernard or a horse. He's physically incapable of lying or being cruel, so I do worry about him... He shouldn't be killing vampires, he should be getting disappointing A Level results.
    Hal: [to Tom] You're a child, you know that? Watching you negotiate grown-up emotions is like watching a gorilla perform keyhole surgery.
    Hal: We can raid the dressing up box and pretend to be human, but ultimately what's the point? Sooner or later we all go back to being the monsters we truly are.
    Cutler: [with rising incredulous anger] What I was - no, you stole that from me! You dragged me into this world! You killed my wife! You turned me into a murderer, an addict! You made me abandon my whole species! No! No, you do not do that and then apologise! No, sir!
    Hal: I assume you just close your eyes and picture yourself somewhere else.
    Alex: Trust me, I've been doing that since you arrived.
    Eve: I make a bloody good cup of tea.
    Annie: That's my girl!

### The War Child

    Hal: Unfinished business tends to be more life-affirming than beating someone up.
    Alex: Not if you're Scottish.
    Mr Snow: Am I missing something? Is he giving me a television set?
    Cutler: [Flicking through TV channels] I don't understand. Someone must have reported it.
    Mr Snow: Because I already have a television the size of a bed sheet.
    Mr Snow: Thanks to you, breweries the world over are safe from piss-ups.
    Mr Snow: These eyes have looked upon Pharaohs and the son of the carpenter. And, now, they must look at you, proudly showing me your idea, like a child with a handful of its own excrement. I have never known humiliation, failure, or obscurity. How does it make you feel? Like coming home, I imagine. I've already forgotten your name.
    Tom: Always be kind and polite and have the materials to build a bomb.
    Tom: What are you doing, hanging around with a load of vampires?
    Milo: Because there's nothing noble about being on the side that loses.
    Tom: I bet you support Manchester United as well, don't you?
    Milo: You know, they're an incredibly skillful team...
    Alex: They're the men with sticks and ropes. I saw them when I died. Thought they were evil Morris dancers.
    Alex: What's the biggest thing you've ever Rentaghosted with?
    Annie: Er, hey, listen. This is not a party trick. This is an invaluable defensive weapon...An armchair.
    Mr Snow: Celebrate and be glad, for this, your brother, was dead, and is alive again. He was lost, and is found.
    [Annie enters]
    Annie: Give me back my fucking baby!
    Mr Snow: That's the funny thing about saviours: they can make one a little...dependent.
    Eve: They're expecting you.
    Annie: Who?
    Eve: Who do you think?
    Hal: Why are you doing this?
    Tom: 'Cos you're my best mate.

## Series 5
### The Trinity

    Alex: Just treat me like an equal. Treat me like a bloke.
    Tom: But you're a lady. And my dad taught me how to treat ladies. Always be polite and courteous, if a lady came in the room, stood up and take off any hats, and if it was a vampire, you staked 'em.
    Hal: Maybe I should left a clue like I don't know, locking him in a cellar and tying him to the fucking radiator!
    Hal: Ian! I have no intention of bumming you.
    Hal: 500 years of murder and torment. Round and round we go. Evil doesn't die, it just passes like a parcel from year to year, body to body. But I survive. I live on while good people die around me. Heroes die.

### Sticks and Ropes

    Tom: What's that you're doing?
    Hal: I'm disinfecting the keyboard with pure alcohol and a cotton ball.
    Tom: I'd never think of doing that. I'm never gonna win this competition, am I?
    Hal: This isn't part of the competition. Doesn't everyone do this?
    Dominic Rook: Instead, you'll get this pen. This - very special - pen.
    Crumb: Does it shoot poison gas? Or pellets? Or poison gas pellets?
    Rook: No. It's essentially a pen.
    Captain Hatch: I'm getting stronger every day. When the time is right, I will rise. And then I'm going to drain the world dry. I'm going to lap up every drop of hope and love and feel it run down my chin. I'm going to turn men into beasts and ruin their women and spit poison into their children. I'm going to scorch the earth with proper, Old Testament despair and teach them that the gods are there to be feared and everything you love will die and everything you're scared of will come true.

### Pie and Prejudice

    Tom: Larry's gonna stay here a while to train me.
    Hal: Great. The more the merrier -
    Tom: [interrupting] You're not the boss of me here, Hal. I can do what I like.
    Hal: Yes, I know. I-I said it was great.
    Tom: There's a new player in town. And he's got the skills, and the looks, and the motivation, and the skills. He's got the whole package.
    Hal: He's been filling your head with utter nonsense! Tom, these attitudes he's encouraging-they're shallow! They're aggressive-
    Tom: Alright, alright! Maybe he's not a very nice guy! Maybe that's the truth! But you know what? I don't care. 'Cause nice guys finish last, Hal. And I'm tired of finishing last. 'Cause when you're there, and you get to the finishing line, you find that the pie's already gone, 'cause some bugger like you has already ate it. [beat] The Success Pie. [beat] Which is where they keep it. At the finishing line on the top of...Success Mountain- I don't really know how it works.
    Hal: You don't have to stoop to his level.
    Tom: Well, maybe I do, Hal. 'Cause I'm sure of one thing-that McNair would've wanted more for me than this. And I'm letting him down. Every day I'm letting him down. And maybe this is a way I can make him proud of me.
    Hal: This is your chance. This your only chance to be the wise man who walks away and lives to see another day.
    Larry Chrysler: So...we're more alike than I thought.
    Hal: We are nothing alike.
    Larry: When you look at me, you see the monster you're hiding.
    Hal: You believe whatever you want. Just go.
    Larry: I'm a little too wild for your liking, aren't I? Little too unpredictable, little too...complete?
    Hal: It's clearly helped you make such a success of your life.
    Larry: Didn't you tell Tom all that stuff was unimportant? Instead, I've got no struggle, no tug-of-war; just one voice, one life, one me. [He steps towards Hal.] Seeing that's gotta hurt.
    Hal: I strongly suggest you take a step backwards.
    Larry: You know what? I think you're just one big PR exercise. You think I'm a fraud! Well, I guess you'd know the signs. All huff and no puff. Ooh, c'mon, let's see this big bad Hal that's got everyone so scared.
    Hal: You don't know what you're doing.
    Larry: Maybe I do. Maybe I want this. Maybe I want to "see the monster." C'mon, let him out, let's play! If he's even real. You got the others fooled; it's not exactly hard, is it? A slag and a retard?
[Larry shoves Hal, who turns back with his eyes black.]
    Hal: You wanna talk to the real me? [He bares his fangs at Larry and chokes him with the cord of a lamp.] Hello, Larry. Here I am, did you want to speak to me? Hello? [Larry falls to the ground.]

### The Greater Good

    Hal: All we're doing is marking time until the inevitable.
    Alex: Kind of like life, then?
    Crumb: There is no Ian, there is only Crumb. (Crumb laughs)

### No Care, All Responsibility

    Rook: You know what I tell myself every morning? No care, all responsibility. You will best serve Her Majesty and the government if this doesn't affect you. Come in; clean up; clock off; no care. All responsibility. Remember that, and you'll have a bright future in this department.
    Tom: She makes me feel things.
    Alex: What things?
    Tom: Feelings.
    Alex: She made you feel feelings?
    Tom: Yeah.
    Alex: What a bitch. You should stake her, anyway.
    Natasha: Tom? There's some...there's something I need to tell you.
    Tom: What's wrong? Have I done something? [Natasha begins lifting her skirt to show Tom her wound.] What, here? Now? Before dinner? [He begins to take off his trousers.]
    Natasha: [to Rook] And, you know, I realized something as well. You said you and me are like family, but you sent me in here as bait. So either you don't really think Hal's that bad, or...or you and me aren't really family. [She sighs.] 'No care, all responsibility,' huh?
    Natasha: You nearly died saving my life. You made sure I'm safe again and again. What, all that effort and you just kill me?
    Rook: I do my job. It's what I've always done.
    Natasha: I'm human. It's your job to protect me.
    Alex: I don't care if you have enough viagra to fill the Titanic, nobody is doing any rising on my watch.
    Alex: Who are you?
    Hatch: I'm only the fucking devil, sweetheart.

### The Last Broadcast

    Hal: [to Hatch] You know where you went wrong? You should have put us together. Everything is incomplete...without them.
    Hatch: There's no shame in living a dream if it's better than reality.
    [Tom asks Hal if him and Alex are wasting their time trying to be human]
    Hal: I'm not part of this little project now. Which gives me a clarity I didn't have before. Annie, George, Mitchell, Nina, the two of you, what none of you realised...what none of us realised; Is the desire to be human is the end, not the beginning. To want it is to have it. You're not wasting your time Tom, you've already won.

## Cast

| Character | Actor | Actor | Tenure |
| Character | Pilot | Series | Tenure |
| Tom McNair | None | Michael Socha | Series 3 - 5 |
| Hal Yorke | None | Damien Molony | Series 4 - 5 |
| Alex Millar | None | Kate Bracken | Series 4 - 5 |
| Annie Sawyer | Andrea Riseborough | Lenora Crichlow | Series 1 - 4 |
| George Sands | Russell Tovey | Russell Tovey | Series 1 - 4 |
| John Mitchell | Guy Flanagan | Aidan Turner | Series 1 - 3 |
| William Herrick | Adrian Lester | Jason Watkins | Series 1 - 3 |
| Lauren Drake | Dominique McElligott | Annabel Scholey | Series 1 |
| Nina Pickering | None | Sinead Keenan | Series 1 - 3 |

## External links

* Official BBC site
* Being Human quotes at the Internet Movie Database