# Hamburger... The Motion Picture

Hamburger... The Motion Picture is a 1986 film based around Russell Procope, a student who has been kicked out of four colleges for always getting caught having sex, being naked, etc. His last hope is Buster Burger University, but he knows that in order to graduate he must focus on studying instead of on sex.
    Directed by Mike Marvin. Written by Donald Ross

## Dialogue

    [Mrs. Cratchmatter catches Russell making out with a fellow female student in the women's showers]
    Mrs. Cratchmatter: Russell Procope!
    Russell: Mrs. Cratchmatter!
    [After getting caught making out with a fellow female student in the women's showers, Russell is summoned to the Undergraduate Counselor's office]
    Undergraduate Counselor: Expelled - lewd conduct, expelled - nude conduct, hospitalized...your thing in a sling...?
    Undergraduate Counselor: Do you believe yourself to be God's gift to women?
    Russell: No, of course not! I just ask a girl to a movie and before we even leave the house we're in bed. It's been like this since my freshman year. I haven't seen a movie since E.T.!
    Undergraduate Counselor: Russell, you must learn to exercise a little...sexual self control, if you expect to succeed in life.
    [Suddenly the Counselor stands up]
    Undergraduate Counselor: Now, I know that these are liberal times...
    [The Counselor takes off her glasses and walks up to the seated Russell]
    Undergraduate Counselor: ...And well...I'm not exactly blind.
    [The Counselor stands before the seated Russell]
    Undergraduate Counselor: It's no secret what women of all ages want...
    [The Counselor lets down her hair]
    Undergraduate Counselor: ...Virile...hard bodied...young men.
    [The Counselor sits down on the seated Russell]
    Undergraduate Counselor: Like you.
    Russell (clearing his throat due to the awkwardness of the moment): Then I'm normal?
    Undergraduate Counselor: Let's find out...
    [The Counselor takes off her top, then leans down on Russell and kisses him]
    Russell (feeling akward): Doctor...
    Undergraduate Counselor: Oh...oh...
    [The dean enters the office and catches them]
    Undergraduate Counselor: Ah!
    [The Counselor puts back her top]
    Undergraduate Counselor: Oh, Dean Doobery!
    Russell: Oh, my father is gonna kill me.
    Drill Sergeant: Nazanine? Is that your real name or what?
    Conchita: Conchita Margarita Consuela Mario Henya Lopez Nazanine. It's real, mi general.
    Drill Sergeant: It says here you're from "GWOK-a-mole". You look like you're from "GWOK-a-mole"!
    Conchita: "Gwok-a-MOL-ee"!
    Drill Sergeant: Whatever!
    Conchita: I have come to your country to learn the fast way to feed my starving people of the south.
    Drill Sergeant: Then you came to the right place, sister.
    Sister Sara: Yes?
    Drill Sergeant: No!
    Sister Sara: Sorry...
    [Fred spots The Vunks, and especially Mrs. Vunk's deep cleavage, during a party]
    Fred: Nice spread you have here, Mr. Vunk.
    Lyman Vunk: It took a lot of burgers to fill a Buster house like this, young man!
    Lyman Vunk: You play your cards right, and you could have everything that I have!
    Fred: Everything?
    Lyman Vunk: Everything!
    [Mrs. Vunk looks at Fred and silently spells "everything" with her mouth]
    [While dancing with Fred with Mr. Vunk's blessing]
    Mrs. Vunk: Fred?
    Fred: Yea?
    Mrs. Vunk: I'll trade in all 70,000 franchises for just one night of stiff board banging with a human piledriver like you.
    Fred (looks at the sky): Thank you lord!
    [After jumping at Russell and trying to have sex with him right in the middle of a party]
    Conchita: I was hoping you to show. I am Conchita Nazanine. In "Gwokamolee" I am known as "The Lay of The Land".
    Russell (trying to escape): Ah, escuse me, nice to meet you.
    Conchita: I could teach you things you never knew could happen between two peoples!
    Russell: Ah, not tonight! No sex at BusterBurger U., remember?
    [Russell runs off]
    [instructing a managerial training class]
    Lyman Vunk: You eat it, you buy it!
    [entire class repeats]
    [Instructing a managerial training class]
    Lyman Vunk: Lots of bulls...in every bite.
    [The entire class repeats]
    [Instructing a managerial training class]
    Lyman Vunk: We reserve the right...to refuse service...to ASSHOLES like YOU.
    [The entire class repeats]
    [Instructing a managerial training class]
    Lyman Vunk: Put those cookies back...MOTHERFUCKER.
    [The entire class repeats, Sister Sara crosses herself]
    [Mrs. Vunk starts getting orgasms when Fred performs oral sex on her while having to hide under her table from the Drill Sergeant in a restaurant]
    Mrs. Vunk: Oh...ah...
    Drill Sergeant: You're ok, Mrs. Vunk?
    Mrs. Vunk: Ah...ah...
    Mia Vunk: She's got, ah, hot flashes.
    Mrs. Vunk: I do?
    Mrs. Vunk (after her daughter gives her a suggestive look): Oh, I do.
    Drill Sergeant: Kind of young for hot flashes, aren't you?
    Mrs. Vunk: Well, I...I...I got it from my husband.
    [Fred takes a break from performing oral sex on Mrs. Vunk under her table, and talks to Russell]
    Fred: I love eating out!
    Russell: You're a dead man!
    Fred: Then I wanna die like this!
    [Fred starts performing oral sex on Mrs. Vunk again]
    [Mrs. Vunk's big cleavage is all sweaty and she puffs due to the oral sex Fred performs on her again]
    Mrs. Vunk: oh...oh...
    Drill Sergeant: You're soaking wet, Mrs. Vunk.
    Mrs. Vunk: ah...spicy...chicken balls.
    Drill Sergeant (with a confused look): You haven't even eaten any yet...
    [Mrs. Vunk tries to pretend her pleasuring sounds aren't due to the oral sex Fred performs on her, but due to the food in her mouth]
    Mrs. Vunk: Hmm...hmm...
    Mia Vunk: Good?
    Mrs. Vunk: Hmm...the best.
    Mrs. Vunk: Yea...ah...hmm.
    [The table starts shaking]
    Drill Sergeant: What the hell is happening?
    Mia Vunk (with a nervous smile): Earthquake.
    Mrs. Vunk: That big.
    Drill Sergeant: Well, this is the only table that's having one...
    Mrs. Vunk: Yea...yeaaaa...
    [Her daughter tries to distract the Drill Sergeant by offering him a plate of food]
    Mrs. Vunk: Yea...yea...
    Drill Sergeant (looks at Mrs. Vunk before taking the offered food): May I?
    Mrs. Vunk: Yea...yea...
    [The tables shakes so much the plate moves away when the Drill Sergeant tries to grab it]
    Mrs. Vunk: Yea...ah...oh!
    [The whole table falls over and the Drill Sergeant realizes what happened]
    Mrs. Vunk: Oh, oh, ohhhh!
    [A few nights after he turned down Conchita, there's a knock on Russell's dorms' door, just as he tries to study hard for the next day's finals]
    Russell: (assuming it's his roommate who has just went out hoping to get laid) Don't tell me, you forgot your dick!
    Conchita: (bursting in with a submachine gun) I...want yours!
    Conchita: Oy, Conchita Margarita Consuela Mario Henya Lopez Nazanine never takes no for an answer...now strip.
    Russell (thinking it's a joke): What...?
    Conchita: Your clothes - you take them off, and make love to me now.
    [Conchita, still pointing the gun at him, starts kissing him]
    Russell: Conchita, Conchita, there is no sex at Buster Burger U.!
    Conchita: Oh yea?
    [Conchita loads the pointed gun]
    Russell: Ok, the pants...
    [Russell takes off his pants]
    Russell: Are we satisfied?
    Conchita: Ah, I will tell you seven orgasms from now.
    [Conchita stretches out his underwear to take a peek inside them]
    Conchita: Make that eleven.
    Russell: Jesus, it's just not my day.
    [Conchita drops down the gun so she can put her arms around Russell]
    Conchita: You will do as I say...or I will scream rape.
    Russell: Conchita, can we talk about this?
    [Conchita starts screaming]
    Russell (covers her mouth and nods his head in agreement): Shh...
    [Conchita lies down on top of Russell in his bed after forcing him to have sex with her. They still have their bottoms on]
    Conchita: Now you tell me, what would you like for the woman to do to you?
    Russell: (Smiles as he comes up with an plan) Oh, the woman? Nothing!
    Conchita: Nothing?! Then what excites you?
    Russell: Oh, tall, dark, sexy, sweaty, sun-tanned guerrilla fighters.
    Conchita: Si...si, si, si.
    Russell: Like your brother.
    Conchita: (rolls down off him) No!
    Russell: (starts talking and waiving his hands in a stereotyped gay fashion) Oh yes! He...he spends up a whole day fighting in the hills, single handedly killing half a dozen government troops with his great, big machete.
    Russell: Hmm, the sun is setting, he comes home. I'm waiting for him by the campfire...
    [Ending up deciding not to force Russell to have sex with her after he fooled her he was gay]
    Conchita: Ah, you fruit-ah-cake!
    [Conchita spits on Russell]
    Conchita: What good are you?!
    Conchita: I come to this country to find a real man...and I will!
    Russell (in a stereotyped gay tone as she heads out): Bitch.
    [Conchita spits on him again from the door. Once she leaves Russell laughs and is relieved about fooling her]
    [Mrs. Vunk and Fred make out and undress each other hidden in her helicopter]
    Fred: Can you put this on?
    Mrs. Vunk: They're off, Fred...
    Fred: No, put your shoes back on, Mrs. Vunk.
    Mrs. Vunk: Why, Fred...?
    Fred: I like heels.
    Mrs. Vunk: Oh!
    [A little girl touches some cookies on the counter in the fast food restaurant]
    All of the interns (repeating what they were taught): Put those cookies back...MOTHERFUCKER.
    [A bunch of bad bikers enter the fast food restaurant]
    Russell: Ah, If you're looking for a payphone, forget it.
    Biker Gang Leader: I want a woman!
    Conchita (from behind the counter): At last!
    [Conchita runs towards the counter and unbuttons her shirt to reveal her bra]
    Conchita: A real man!
    Biker Gang Leader: Ok!
    [Russell catches her in fear before she completely takes her shirt off]
    Russell (in a scared voice): Conchita...
    Conchita (hugging Russell in fear and re-buttons up her shirt after realizing the bikers are dangerous): Russell!

## Taglines

* ...it's funny enough to eat!
* Russell's been kicked out of seven colleges. His last hope is Burger U. Now he's majoring in bull.
* Get a college degree with everything on it.

## Cast

* Leigh McCloskey — Russell
* Dick Butkus — (Drill Sergeant) Ben Drootin
* Randi Brooks — Mrs. Vunk
* Sandy Hackett — Fred
* Charles Tyner — Lyman Vunk
* Debra Blee — Mia Vunk
* Karen Mayo-Chandler — (Undergraduate Counselor) Dr. Gotbottom
* Maria Richwine — Conchita
* Barbara Whinnery — Sister Sara
* Peggy Rea — Mrs. Cratchmatter
* Tony Epper — Biker Gang Leader

## External links

* Hamburger... The Motion Picture quotes at the Internet Movie Database
* Hamburger... The Motion Picture at Rotten Tomatoes