# Legally Blonde (musical)

Legally Blonde is a musical based on the Amanda Brown novel and the 2001 film of the same name. The musical features the book by Heather Hach, music and lyrics by Laurence O'Keefe and Nell Benjamin, and direction and choreography by Jerry Mitchell.

## Omigod You Guys

* (Margot) Dear Elle, he's a lucky guy, I'm, like, gonna cry! I've got tears coming out of my nose! Mad props! He’s the campus catch. You’re the perfect match 'cause you both have such great taste in clothes. Of course he will propose.
* (Serena) Dear Elle, honey, mazel tov! Future's taking off. Bring that ring back and show it to me.
* (Pilar) Four carats of princess cut! Ae you psyched or what?! I just wish I could be there to see...
* (All three girls) When he gets down on one knee!
* (All sorority sisters) Omigod, omigod you guys! Looks like Elle's gonna win the prize! If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifies. Omigod you guys. Omigod this is happening. Our own homecoming queen and king. Finally she’ll be trying on a huge engagement ring for size. Omigod you guys. Omigod!
* (Pilar) Okay, everybody signed, good now fall in line, and we’ll start the engagement parade.
* (Serena) Light candles in single file, don’t forget to smile! Lose the gum Kate , you look like the maid. Now prepare to serenade. Shh! (All sorority sisters) Omigod, omigod you guys looks like Elle’s gonna win the prize!
* (Serena) Shh!
* (All sorority sisters)If there ever was a perfect couple this one quali-
* (Serena) Shh!
* (All sorority sisters) Omigod you guys!
* (Serena) Guys I’m serious!
* (Sorority sister) Elle and Warner were meant to be.
* (Sorority sister) Not once ever has he hit on me!
* (Serena) Shut UP!
* (Margot) They're just like that couple from Titanic. Only no one dies!
* (All sorority sisters) Omigod you guys! 2..3..4
* (All sorority sisters) Daughter of Delta Nu! Soon to be fiance. Now that a man chose you, your life begins today. Make him a happy home. Waste not his hard earned wage. And so he does not roam, strive not to look your age. Still in your hour of need, let it be understood. No man can supersede, our sacred bond of sisterhood! Omigod omigod you guy-
* (Serena) Guys, she’s not here
* (Margot) Bruiser where is Elle? She doesn’t have an engagement outfit?! She is totally freaking out?! She’s trapped in the old valley mill?! Oh, whoops sorry. The old valley mall!
* (All sorority sisters) Omigod dress emergency
* (Serena) Dont take the freeway
* (Sorority sister) Hey! Wait for me!
* (All sorority sisters) No one should be left alone to dress and to accessorize
* (Sorority sister) Omigod you guys *(All sorority sisters) Omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod
* (Elle) It’s almost there, but, this dress needs to seal the deal, make a grown man kneel. But it can't come right out and say bride. Can't look like I'm desperate or like I'm waiting for it. Ive gotta leave Warner his pride. So bride is more implied.
* (All sorority sisters) There she is!
* (Elle) Omigod, omigod you guys! All this week I've had butterflies, everytime he looks at me it's totally proposal eyes! Omigod you guys. So help me dress for my fairy tale. Can't wear something I've bought on sale.
* (Serena) Love is like, forever this is no time to economize
* (Four girls) Omigod you guys!
* (Salesgirl) Blondes make commissions so easy. Excuse me, have you seen this, it just came in, it’s perfect for a blonde.
* (Elle) Right, with a half loop stitch on China silk
* (Salesgirl) Uh-huh
* (Elle) But the thing is, you can’t use a half loop stitch on china silk, it’ll pucker. And you didn’t just get this in because I saw it in last May’s Vogue
* (All sorority sisters) Omigod omigod you guys
* (Elle) I’m not about to buy last years dress at this years price
* (All sorority sisters) Elle saw right through that salesgirls lies
* (Elle) It may be perfect for a blonde , but I’m not that blonde. I may be in love but I’m not stupid, lady I’ve got eyes
* (Other salesgirl) Omigod. Elle woods! Sorry our mistake, Courtney, take your break, Just ignore her she hasn’t been well. Try this latest from Milan, go on try it on, I take care of my best clientele, it’s a gift from me to Elle!
* (Elle) Omigod, omigod you guys. This ones perfect! And it’s just my size. See, dreams really do come true you never have to compromise! Omigod.
* (All sorority sisters) Omigod omigod you guys. Let’s go home before someone cries! If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifies. Cause we love you guys
* (Elle) No, I love you guys!
* (All sorority sisters) Omigod
* (Elle) Omigod
* (All sorority sisters) Omigod, you guys. Omigod!

## Serious

* (Warner) We both know why we're here. I see it in your eyes. I guess it calms my fear. To know it's not a surprise. Take one look at you, looking like a dream come true. Would leave me speachless like you always do. But know we're wide awake, and have some plans to make. Let's take some action baby. Now baby give me your hand. We've got some dreams to make true.
* (Warner) It's time to get serious, time to get serious, with you.
* (Elle) I never thought that I... (Warner spoken) uh honey... I'm not finished.
* (Warner) Since I was two or three, my life was planned out neat! I'd get my law degree, and then win my senate seat. A great big house out east. All of the amenities. Three kids at least just like the Kennedy's!
* (Warner) Serious, got to get up and take our journy. Serious telling you know as a future attorney. You want the moon and sky! Well take it don't be shy! Baby that's why you and I. Should break up!
* (Elle, expecting proposal) Yes baby I'll give you my hand, wait WHAT!
* (Warner spoken) Elle, if I want to be a senator by the time I'm 30 I need somebody, (sung) Serious, less of a Marilyn more of a Jackie. Serious somebody classy and not to tacky! Ok that came out wrong. Now baby let's both be strong, I mean we knew all along!

## Daughter of Delta Nu

* (Delta Nus) Daughter of Delta Nu, sweetheart, it's been twelve days! Please let us help you through!
* (Margot) She' eating Milky Ways!
* (Delta Nus) Aagh!
* (Pilar) Tell me those are fun-sized. I think he should be shot.
* (Serena) And lemme tell you what. I don't he's that hot. (Margot) I do.
* (Serena) Well, you're a slut.

## What you Want

* (Elle) What you want, Warner, what you want is me, but you need to see me in a brand new domain. Well it's plain, Harvard is the perfect setting you will see you're getting all of this, plus a brain! I'll meet you there at Harvard with a book in my hand. Big sturdy book, big wordy book. Full of words I'll understand and right there is where you'll see it true. Warner what you want is right in front of you!
* (Elle) Step 1. He's up to Harvard law, so I get in there too. (P.M.S. girls) Step two? (Elle) Make Warner reassess, impress him with my high I.Q. (Girls) Step 3? (Elle) Throw a great big wedding (Elle and girls) And invite all Delta Nu!
* (Kate) That's great. Nice plan. Now can we think this through?
* (Kate) Harvard Law School?
* (Elle) I have a 4.0 average.
* (Kate) Yeah, in fashion merchandising. What makes you think you can do this?
* (Elle) Love! I'm doing this for love, And love will see me through; Yes, with love on my side I can't lose, And Harvard can't refuse. A love so pure and true. Don't lawyers feel love too?
* (Kate) Even if they do?
* (Kate) What you want, sweetheart is no easy thing. If you're gonna swing it, it will wreck your senior spring. You'll need a LSAT score of more then 174. So no more parties for you. You'll need a killer essay or do not even hope. And glowing letters from your betters. Any chance you know the pope? (Elle) ahh, nope. (Kate) Too bad cause that would be a qi, and you've got a lot of work in front of you!
* (Margot spoken) Hey everybody! It's the Spring Fling Beer Bash Extreme! (Frat guys) Extreme! (Margot) This years theme: Jamaican me Crazy!
* (Reggae guy) What you want you wanna be out becuz the sun she warm! What you want you wanna study stuck inside your dorm. What you want you wanna party with us all night long what you want you wanna be strong! (Kate) Be strong! (Guys) Wooho!
* (Reggae) What you want you wanna be groovin bumpin shake da room. Whacha want you wanna be provin somethin and ta whom? Whacha want you wanna be provin that you youth is gone. What you want you wann hold on. (Elle) Hold on! (guys) wooho!
* (Reggae) What you want you wanna breathin in da healthy air. Whacha want you wanna be chasin him and he don't care. Whacha want you wanna ignore the pity in their looks. What you want you wanna say sorry got hit me books. Whacha want you wanna be sitting like a lonely child. Whacha want you wanna be drvin all da fellow wild whacha want you wanna be feelin good to be alive!

## Harvard Variation

* (Aaron) Aaron Schultz, I won a Fulbright and a Rhodes. I write finical softwear codes. But that's a challenge I've outgrown. How money yachts can one man own? Some say that I'm a pompous freak. Somehow I don't lose that much sleep. Why bother with false modesty. Harvards the perfect place for me.
* (Enid, Sundeep, Emette) Pretty impressive good to know. (Emette) Welcolm to Harvard, (Sundeep) Wassup? (Enid) yo!
* (Sundeep) Sundeep Agrwal Padamadan, but you may call me your majesty. In my country, my word was law, but then I flee, because of stupid Coup d'Etat. But here I learn, I make new friends, and soon return in bullet proof Mercedes Benz.
* (Enid) I did the peace cores over sea's inoculating refugees from family clinics that I built myself from mud and trees. I fought to clean up their lagoons and save their rare endagered loons and led a protest march against insensitive cartoons!
* (Aaron, Sundeep, Emette) Pretty impress- (Enid) But now I'm on the legal track because this countries out of wack and only women have the guts to go and take it back. We'll get the government come clean and get more people voting green and really stick it to the phallocentric war machine!

## Blood in the Water

* (Callaghan very Vaudville) Our topic is blood in the water, kids, it's time you faced, law school is a waste. Oh yes! Unless you acquire a taste for, Blood in the Water. Dark and red and raw! There's nothing until the thrill of the kill becomes your only law.
* (Callaghan spoken) Mr. Schultz hypothetical question, would you defend the following lawyer accused of fraud? (Sung spoken) A kind old grandma takes her savings and she sent it. Off to you client everything she saved since she was born. He promised to invest it but he spent it. On prostitutes and herion and porn!
* (Callaghan) This one is a win unless you're lazy. Grandma's broke she's got some hack from legal aid! Put her on the stand and call her old and crazy. Your guy goes free and he can get you high and laid!
* (Callaghan spoken) Ms. Hoops, another hypothetical question, (sung spoken) Say they offer you a bundle for defending. A famous hitman for the mafia elite. Seems he missed his chosen prey killed a nun and drove a way running over three cute puppies in the street.
* (Enid spoken) What? You think I wouldn't defend him just because he is a typical man? (Callghan spoken) Oh you lesbian's think you're so tough!
* (Callaghan) Oh dear! I fear my comment has offended. Hard to argue though when your emotions make you weak! Your employment will be very quickly ended. Once they see how your emotions make you weak!
* (Callaghan) So what's my point I run a billion dollar law firm. And I hire four new interns every year! From this class I will select four young sharks whom I respect and those four will have a guaranteed career. Do you follow me?!
* (Callaghan to Elle) You heard your classmates. You have just been killed. They cut your throat so grab your coat. Yes you had guts but know they're spilled. Your bloods in the water. So would you please be gone. And if you return be ready to learn. Or is that unfair? Oh wait. I don't care. That's just how I roll right here in school. With fear and shock and awe. You're nothing until, the thrill of the kill. Becomes, your, only law! Your only law. Your only law. AWWWWEEE!

## Postive

* (Greek chorus) Keep in positive. (Serena) As you slap her to the floor. (Chorus) Keep it positive (Pilar) As you pull her hair and call her whore. (Margot) You can take her in a fight (Serena) You and he will reunite. (P.M.S girls) You know we're right we're positive, we're positive.
* (Elle) Violence is never wise. Not the way to win back guys. Anyway she's twice my size. Who's got a plan B?
* (Pilar) Uh me! Look at her she's like a nun. Show him you are way more fun. Bust out the lapdance and you've won! You off the hizzle G! (Chorus) Keep it positive (Margot) Yeah let out your inner freak! (Chorus) Keep it positive (Serena) Ms. Prissy pants won't last a week! (Pilar) You whet his appetite. (Margot) You and he will reunite.
* (Elle) Girls I'm positive. That'd we've taken this too far! Yes I'm positive, this is Harvard, not a stripper bar. All this trashy carrying on. That's the reason that he's gone. I need a salon! Yes I'm positive, try not to get upset. Oh I'm positive, that it's time for me to go brunette! Being blonde and being hot. That got me exactly squat. Time to show him I've got more to gain. Oh I'm positive!

## Serious reprise

* (Warner) Those parties senior year, I thought we ruled the world! (Elle) You funneled all that beer, I held your head while you hurled.
* (Warner) We were like gods back then, walking among common men. Tell me. Why can't it be that way again?
* (Elle) You have your future all planned (Warner) Yes I do, yes I do (Elle) What if I'm standing there too!? (Warner) Wait I'm not following you.
* (Elle) I'm here cause I'm serious. (Warner) Yeah right you look real serious.

## Chip on my Shoulder

* (Emmett) What what, you came her to follow a man, Harvard law was just part of that plan. What rich romantic planet are you from? (Elle) Malibu? (Emmett) Instead of lying outside by the pool, you chase some guy to an Ivy league school? That's the weirdest reason I--- (Elle) Well why'd you come?
* (Emmett) I grew up in the Roxbury slums. With my mom and a series of bums. Guys who showed me all the way a man could fail. I got through law school by busting my ass. Worked two jobs in a addition to class. So excuse me for not weeping at your tale.
* (Emmett) I got a chip on my shoulder. And it's big as a boulder. With the chance I've been given I'm gonna be driven as hell. I'm so close I can taste it. So I'm not gonna waste it. I got a chip on my shoulder maybe you should get one as well.
* (Emmett) Well I don't go to parties a lot, not good use for the time that I've got. Can't spend hours doing my hair or staying in shape. But I know it would all by worth while once I win my first lucrative and buy my mom that great big house out on the cape!
* (Elle) That's so sweet! (Emmett) No that's the chip on my shoulder. I hugged my mom and told her. With the chance I've been given I'm gonna be driven as hell. Though I can't take the day off. I just think of the payoff. You need a chip on your shoulder. Little Ms. Woods comma Elle.
* (Emmett) You know this vanities real picturesque, but it started its life as a desk. Clear it off and find some room for books instead. Can you live without this can you live without that. I don't know what this is! (Elle) It's for hair! (Emmett) Wear a hat! Spend some time improving what's inside your head. Out! Out! Put it in storage sell it on ebay, leave it behind! Out out! What are you angry? Good! So get angry you might find a chip on your shoulder! (Elle) Ugh! (Emmette) Oh, the room just got colder. With the chance you've been given how are you not driven as hell?
* (Emmett) Well I predict you will probably pass (Elle) Yes! (Emmett) In the bottom percent of your class. If you're going for mediocre, you've done great. (Elle) That's not fair! (Emmett) Look, they're laughing at me like they're laughing at you. You can't win if you don't follow through. Might I venture your vacation plans can wait?
* (Emmett) Guess she got a chip on her shoulder. Maybe some wise man told her. With the chance she's been given she should be driven as hell. She was something to see there, I'm just happy I could be there. She got a chip on her shoulder. Guess you never can teeeellllllllllllll. About little Ms. Woods comma Elle!

## Whipped into Shape

* (Brooke) Do you want an easy miracle? Do you want to lose a pound or two? Then turn this video off right now. My workout's not for you! I'm talking to the women who wants it all! Who wants to pay for what she gets. Cause size two clothes don't come for those to lazy to sweat!
* (All) I want you whipped into shape! When I say jump say, "How high?" You know you're doing it right when you start to cry. If you don't look like you should. You got to whip whip whip it good. I'm sorry ladies no escape. Until you're whipped into shape.
* (Callaghan) Meet our brand new client: Brooke. Laugh if you must but she's made tons, off her DVD's and books, "Whip your Way to Tighter Buns" Happily married so she swears. To her 60 year old stud. Till step daughter came down stairs and found Brooke all covered in his blood. If Brooke took a plea, I'd have her out in 3 to 4. But she swears she did not kill him. (Warner) Did she? (Callaghan) Let's watch some more.
* (Brooke) It's more then just a workout it's a defensive weapon too! Just wrap it around your assailant's neck and pull till he turns blue! You can also use the patented handle grip to shatter you attackers spine. All for three small payments of 19.99!
* (All) You'll get him whipped into shape if you get grief from a guy. You'll work him over with this, till he starts to cry. If he don't act like he should. You've got to whip it whip it whip it good! It gets you out of any sway. And gets you whipped into shape!
* (Callaghan) Hands. Who thinks she's guilty? Here is where you kids come in. Brooke has trouble trusting me. I'm her only chance to win, but I don't speak MTV. Brooke won't help her own defense, she may listen to her peers. Go and place a little sense in a place between her ears. I want her whipped into shape. If there's a brain in that hair, I want a bargain with her. It's a plea or the chair. When I talk to her I get neither Plea nor Plan nor Alibi. To quote from my defendant's tape! I want her whipped into shape!

## There! Right There! (Gay or European)

* (Elle) There! Right there! Look at that tan well tended skin! Look at the killer shape he's in! Look at that slightly stubbly chin! Oh please he's gay totally gay! (Callaghan) I'm not about to celebrate, every trait could indicate a totally straight expatriate! That guys not gay! I say not gay!
* (All) That is the elephant in the room. Well is a relative to assume that a man who wears perfume is automatically radically fey! (Emmett) Look at his quoft and crispy locks! (Elle) Look at his silk translucent socks! (Callaghan) There's the eternal paradox look what we're seeing! (Vivianne) What are we seeing? (Callaghan) Is he gay (Elle) Of course he's gay. (Callaghan) Or European?
* (All) Ooooohhhh! Gay or European? It's hard to guarantee. Is he gay or European? (Warner) Well hey, don't look at me! (Vivianne) You see they bring their boy up different in those charming foreign ports. They play peculiar sports! In shiny shirts and tiny shorts! Gay or foreign fella! The answer could take weeks! They both say things like Ciao Bella while they kiss you on both cheeks! (Elle) Oh please! (All) Gay or European, so many shades of grey! (Warner) Depending on the time of day the french go either way! (All) Is he gay or European or-
* (Enid) There! Right there! Look at that condescending smirk! Seen it on every guy at work! That is a metro-hetro jerk! That guy's not gay, I say, no way! (All) That is the elephant in the room well is it relevant to assume that a hotty in that costume in automatically radically, certainly flirtingly, genetically medically. Gay! officially gay! Swishingly gay gay gay gay! (Nikos kisses the hand of the judge) (All) Damnit! Gay or European? (Callaghan) So stylish and relaxed? (All) Is he gay or European? (Callaghan) I think his chest is waxed!
* (Vivianne) But they bring their boys up different there! It's culturally diverse! It's not a fashion curse! (All) If he wears a kilt or bares a purse. Gay or just exotic, I still can't crack the code! (Brooke) His accent is hypnotic! But his shoes are pointy toed! (All) Gay or European! So many shades of grey! (Judge) But if he turns out straight I'm free at 8 on Saturday! (All) Is he gay or European! Gay or European! Gay or euro-
* (Emmett) Wait a minute, I think I can crack this guy. I have an idea I'd like to try! (Callaghan) The floor is yours.
* (Emmett spoken) So Mr. Argytakos this affair with Ms. Windham has been going on for? (Nikos all spoken) 2 years (Emmett) And your first name is? (Nikos) Nikos. (Emmett) And your boyfriends name is? (Nikos) Carlos. (All gasp) (Nikos choking, trying to cover) I'm sorry I misheard! You say boyfriend, I thought you say bestfriend! Carlos is my... best friend!
* (Carlos spoken) You bastard! You lying bastard! That's it! I no cover for you no more! Peoples! I has a big announcement to make! (Sung) This man is gay and European! (All) Woah! (Carlos) And neither is disgrace! You've got to stop you being a completely closet case! (All) Oh! (Carlos) It me not her he seeing! No matter what he say! I swear he never ever ever swing the other way! You are so gay you big parfait! You flaming one man caberet! (Nikos) I'm straight! (Carlos) You were not yesterday! So if I may! I'm proud to say! He's gay! (All) And European! (Carlos) He's gay! (all) And European (Carlos) Please gay! (All) And European and gay! (Nikos) Fine Ok! I'm gay! (All) Hooray!

## Scene of the Crime

* (Margot,Serena, Pilar) Road trip! Road trip!
* (Judge) Court reconvenes, at the scene of the crime,but I hope she's not wasting my time.
* (Elle spoken) Enid,Paulette,can you do this for me?
* (Serena,Margot, Pilar) We're on the move to the scene of the crime... Got stuff to prove at the scene of the crime.
* (Judge) Here we at the crime scene!
* (Chorus) Scene of the crime!
* (Judge) Watch where you walk...
* (Chorus) It's the scene of the crime!
* (Judge) Don't smudge the chalk!
* (Chorus) It's the scene of the crime!
* (Serena,Margot, Pilar) Omigod we rawk!
* (Chorus) It's the scene of the...
* (Judge) Hush!