# Gilmore Girls/Season 6

Gilmore Girls (2000–2007) is a dramatic television show, created by Amy Sherman-Palladino, centering around the relationship between a single mother and her daughter in a small Connecticut town.
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## Season 6
### New and Improved Lorelai

    Lorelai: I mean we're getting married, Luke. Married. You and me. Luke 'Table for one' Danes and Lorelai 'I'm sorry can I get an industrial forklift for my emotional baggage' Gilmore are getting married.
    Luke: Huh? Where are we going?
    Lorelai: To Funkytown.
    Luke: No, hey, wait!
    Lorelai: What? Did you change your mind? Oh, how did I screw it up so fast? Was the Funkytown thing too quippy, 'cause I thought you liked that about me, but -
    Paris: I'm meeting more of Doyle's family tonight. I've been meeting people for months. He's got, like, five hundred cousins. And you know what? He's the tallest one in the family.
    Rory: Really?
    Paris: Yep. Family get-together is like a Lollipop Guild Convention. I have to stop myself from asking how it's going at the chocolate factory.
    Patty: Oh, the spontaneous proposals are the best, you know.
    Babette: Yeah, Morey proposed to me spontaneously. Did I ever tell you the story?
    Luke: Uh, no.
    Babette: It was a brisk fall night, and Morey was on top. No, wait, I was on top.
    Luke: What?
    Babette: Hold on, Stoney Morrison was on top.
    Luke: Babette!
    Babette: We were playing Twister! Did I not mention that?
    Luke: No.
    Babette: [laughing] I probably should have.
    Rory: So dinner, drink, movie, that's really what we're doing tonight?
    Logan: I don't understand why you won't just believe me. I'm tired, I just want a mellow evening with my girlfriend.
    Rory: Last time you were mellow you had a hundred and four temperature and even then, we were bar-hopping for an hour before you fainted.
    Logan: I didn't faint, I passed out. Drink, dinner, movie, that's it.
    Rory: Fine.
    [he kisses her and they round the corner and stop in front of a door. It opens in front of them and all their friends are there, dressed in prison stripes]
    Friends: [singing] For she's a jolly good felon, for she's a jolly good felon. For she's a jolly good felon! Which nobody can deny!
    Logan: After the party, that is!

### Fight Face

    Sookie: Good. Because the eyes will give you away.
    Lorelai: What do you mean?
    Sookie: When you're thinking of bolting. They'll pop out on you, like that Runaway Bride. It's like the eyes are trying to runaway first.
    Lorelai: The only draw back is the name. Coco. Too cutesy. But he's a rescue so I don't wanna freak him out by giving him a new name right away, so I'm going to get to the name I want in baby steps. So for the first week I'll call him Coco to get him acclimated, then Coci, 3rd week Kooky, 4th week Tooky.
    Luke: So you're going to name him Tooky?
    Lorelai: No I'm going to name him Paul Anka but it's going to take awhile to get to Paul Anka.
    Luke: I'm going to talk to TJ. But I'm going to be smart about it, I'm not going to spook him. I'm going to be like Michael Corleone dealing with that slimy brother-in-law of his. Get a couple of tickets to a ballgame. Invite him along and we'll talk about the beer and the hot dogs we're going to eat, and then I'm going to get him to admit that he did this. And then when we get in the car on the way to the ball park I'm going to put a rope around his neck and pull it 'till he's - DEAD!
    Lorelai: Wait, wait. You're in the back seat?
    Luke: Yeah, it's best for garroting. Yes.
    Lorelai: No, he's totally going to smell something fishy if you hop in the back seat, especially if you're driving.
    Luke: No, he's not that bright. It'll work!
    Lorelai: Why are you even buying the tickets? You could just sneak up on him and garrote him on the street, save you the money!

### The UnGraduate

    Luke: Your muffins.
    Lorelai: My what?
    Luke: You left me an urgent message about needing muffins.
    Lorelai: Oh, right! Muffins, boys!
    Luke: These were for them?
    Lorelai: Oh, no, they were for me. I thought I'd try to eat my weight in muffins today.
    Luke: Does the dog have to sit in the chair like that?
    Lorelai: Like what? His posture's perfect.
    Luke: You know chairs are for people?
    Lorelai: Not that chair. That's Paul Anka's chair.
    Luke: Dogs are filthy. They have fleas and malaria on them. You shouldn't have fleas and malaria in the room that you're going to eat in.
    Lorelai: I don't eat in here. They do.
    Lorelai:: Hey, check out this trick we just taught Paul Anka. Hey, Paul Anka. Pizza! [He barks.] Pizza! Pizza! [He barks twice.] Salad. [He sits quietly. Everyone laughs except for Luke.] Good boy, good boy.

### Always a Godmother, Never a God

    Luke: Oh, now come on! Come on! You've got to be kidding me.
    Lorelai: Luke! Come down here!
    Luke: The baseboard's not level, I can tell just by looking at it!
    Lorelai: Tom told you, it's a work in progress!
    Luke: A disaster in progress. This baseboard belongs in a funhouse.
    Lorelai: Luke, going up there is like busting into an operating room in the middle of a heart transplant, you know? And then getting mad at the surgeon because the guy's heart is on the outside. And you're like, hey, his heart should be in his chest, and the surgeon's like, dude, I'm not done yet, get out of the operating room!
    Luke: I'm gonna check the bathroom fixtures.
    Lorelai: Hey, uh, help! Fire! Fire! We're on fire down here, help! Flames crackling, marshmallows toasting, save us!
    'Luke’: (coming down the stairs) What are you doing yelling 'Fire'? You can't do that.
    Lorelai: No, that only pertains to movie theaters. Crowded ones. You're watching a Wednesday matinee of Deuce Bigalow you can yell fire all you want. Hell, you can set fire to the movie theatre. No one will complain.
    Luke: So, how's your project going?
    Lorelai: Like Gamebusters.
    Luke: Looks like it. You're getting rid of a ton. [He reaches over to pick up a nearly-full box.]
    Lorelai: Oh, no, no, whoa, there, mister. Ha. Those are the keepers. These are the ones I'm tossing.
    Luke: There's two videotapes in there.
    Lorelai: Every journey begins with a single step.
    Luke: This was your idea, remember? Use the remodel to purge yourself of useless stuff?
    Lorelai: Yeah. Useless. I'm keeping what I need.
    Luke: You need an episode of Magnum, P.I. from 1986?
    Lorelai: Of course not. That tape is mislabeled. That's a Knots Landing from 1981. All the women are held hostage at gunpoint during Ginger's baby shower. Classic.
    Luke: 21 Jump Street. Season one. You do not need this.
    Lorelai: I need my Jump Street.
    Luke: So, buy the DVDs. It'll save you a ton of space.
    Lorelai: No, the DVDs won't have the commercials on them. The original commercials, which is half the fun. Spuds Mackenzie, Clara Peller? "Nothing comes between me and my Calvins"? I mean, they don't make them like that anymore!
    Luke: You're going to be one of those weird old people who hordes empty film canisters and laundry measuring scoops.
    Lorelai: Uh, gonna be? Hey, I've been looking for this. Check it out.
    Luke: Riding the Bus with My Sister.
    Lorelai: Rosie O’Donnell plays a retarded woman who's obsessed with riding the bus and Andie MacDowell is her uptight, big-city sister.
    Luke: Sister?
    Lorelai: Yeah. And it gets better. In the ads I saw, the Rosie character was calling herself the Sheriff, and she was bragging about her sex life and buying toilet seats. And Anjelica Huston directed it. Maerose directed it.
    Luke: Okay, fine. Watch it tonight after I leave, then you can dump it tomorrow.
    Lorelai: Kidding? You don't just sit down and watch a movie like this. This is a Friday night special. I'd have to have take-out, pizza, Red Vines, Mallomars, the works. Plus, there's no way I would watch this by myself. This is exactly the kind of movie I would (She stops herself) watch with… someone. Someone else. You know.
    Luke: Yeah, right. Well, at least try to pare this box down a little, please?
    Lorelai: I'll try. I will. Promise.
    Luke: Good.
    Lorelai: If you promise not to go upstairs again.
    Luke: I just gotta check on one thing.
    Lorelai: Oh, look at that! America's Castles, special Florida edition. Seen it five times, keeping it.
    Luke: One thing.
    Lorelai: Oh! The History of Paper! A documentary by Ted Burns, distant relative of Ken Burns! Oh ho, seven hours, dull, dull, dull - keeping it!
    Luke: I'm not going up.
    Lorelai: Good! (She gasps) Please Don't Eat the Daisies, seasons two and four? I've been looking for this!
    Sookie: I can't relax, it's Jackson's family! I try to say nice things to them, but they always misinterpret and they think I'm insulting them, so I - I've tried being really quiet, and then they're all like, you know, why are you so quiet? So I overcompensate and start cracking jokes like I'm Carrot Top and I start doing funny things with props, and, ugh, I hate prop comedy!
    Lorelai: [solemnly] We all do, honey.
    Jackson: Remember my brother Bo? ...He thinks you're a nympho.
    Sookie:: Thinks you're a nymphomaniac. That means you really dig the fellas.
    Lorelai: I know what it means, but how? I didn't say two words to the guy when I met him. I said one. Hi. And that was not in response to "What's your sex drive like?"
[Father Michael asks what the Lorelais' religious beliefs are]
    Rory: I read the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
    Lorelai: I have a Bible, although I may or may not have accidentally given it to Goodwill because I am remodeling, but Goodwill is a religious organization. I think.
    Rory: I buy tons of Girl Scout cookies.
    Lorelai: I have two "Mary is my Homegirl" t-shirts.
    Michel: The Bellevilles are free-loaders, the whole lot of them. They are as cheap as tan pantyhose with white sandals.
    Bo: (Licking his finger and wiping it on him and Lorelai) How about we get out of these wet clothes.

### We've Got Magic to Do

    Richard: Emily, please. It's Rory. What she tackles, she conquers. This girl could name the state capitals at 3, recite the periodic table at 4, discuss Schopenhauer's influence on Nietzsche when she was 10. She's read every book by every author with a Russian surname and had a 4.2 grade-point average at one of the toughest schools on the east coast. If she's excluding salmon puffs, she has a good reason to exclude salmon puffs. And I, for one, have complete confidence in her ability to tackle this job, and so should you.
    Paris: Karl Marx has really come alive for me today. I didn't know what he was yammering about before, and now it just seems so obviously wrong that those who control capital should make their fortunes off the labor of the working class.
    Paris: I bet the Romanovs never RSVPed either. They got theirs, capitalist scum!
    Paris: Wow, you're always so Desmond Tutu-y. This is refreshing.
    Emily: Now let’s talk about your money. You were a two-bit gold-digger fresh off the bus from Hicksville when you met Mitchum at whatever bar you happened to stumble into. And what made Mitchum decide to chose you out of the pack of women he was bedding at the time I’ll never know. But hats off to you for bagging him. He’s still a playboy you know. Well of course you know! That would explain why your weight goes up and down thirty pounds every other month. But that’s your cross to bear. These are ugly realities, no one needs to talk about them. Those kids are staying together for as long as they like. You won't stop them.

### Welcome to the Dollhouse

    Michel: We are on Sores and Boils Alley.
    Sookie: Why can't it be something that doesn't ooze and run? What about bunions? Bunions are ok right? Sort of onions, mixed with buns, sorta appetizing if you don't think about it too much.
    Lane: So, what's going on in the world?
    Lorelai: Nothing...
    Lane: Nothing?
    Lorelai: Good. Nothing good. There's absolutely nothing positive going on anywhere in the world. How could that be?
    Lane: That's why I don't read the paper anymore.
    Lorelai: You will mine. I am starting my own. The Good News Daily -- nothing but good news every day.
    Lane: Sounds good.
    Lorelai: "No civil war in Canada" -- big article. "Cars drive down road without incident" -- front-page news. "Puppies -- how cute are they?" In-depth exposé. And the subscription is free. How happy is that?
    Lane: I'm in a better mood.
    Luke: A jungle gym license. If I want kids to play on my urn, no one's gonna tell me I need a license.
    Luke: Want some coffee?
    Lorelai: I'm beyond coffee.
    Luke: Beyond coffee. This is big.
    Lorelai: I'm fueled by my righteous indignation.

### Twenty-One Is the Loneliest Number

    Lorelai: We were gonna go to Atlantic City. We were going to sit at a Blackjack table at 11:59 and order martinis. We were gonna play 21 when she turned 21. Then we were going to buy 21 things. And there's a thing about 21 guys that wouldn't be appropriate since the engagement, but it was a good plan.
[Emily knocks on door on the poolhouse. Rory and Logan get up from couch and Rory opens the door.]
    Emily: I'm so sorry to bother you, Rory - hello, Logan!
    Logan: Hello, Emily.
    Emily: Rory, could you check your closet? The maid hung up your dry cleaning today, and I am missing a blouse and I want to know whether or not to add this to the list of reasons I'm firing her.
    Rory: Of course, I'll be right back. [She heads into the bedroom.]
    Emily: Thank you, Rory. I'm so exhausted with incompetent people, I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like every person I hire immediately gets hit in the head with a mallet on the way out of the employment office!
    Reverend Boatwright: Your virtue is a gift...it is a gift you can give to only one man…If you give it away too soon and to the wrong man, then when the right one does come along, you have no gift to give. You'll have to buy him a sweater.
    Rory: Listen, reverend. I really appreciate you taking the time out of what I assume is a busy day to come here and talk to me about... all of this, but, um, I'm afraid the ultimate-gift ship has sailed.
    Reverend Boatwright: What?
    Rory: A while ago. It's probably in Fiji by now.
    Luke: (commenting the "Rory" drink) This tastes pink. Like really pink. It's really bad; it's like drinking a My Little Pony.
[Logan enters Rory's birthday party and and walks toward Rory and Emily.]
    Logan: Well, there they are, the two most lovely ladies in the room.
    Emily [glares]: Hello, Logan. [To Rory] I have to check on your cake. [She leaves.]
    Logan: Huh. Is it me, or could the penguins march through here?
    Rory: She's probably mad because she found out we're having sex.
    Logan: She what?
    Rory [shrugs]: She found out we're having sex.
    Logan: How the hell'd she find that out?
    Rory [sweetly]: I told her minister.
    Logan: But - but, why would you do that?
    Rory: Because - he was going on and on about my virtue being a gift, and now you have it, so I'm going to have to buy the next guy a sweater! I just wanted him to stop.
    Logan: And all this without a drink in my hand.
    Rory: Come on, let's get you a Rory.
    Logan: Ah. Dealing with this family is stressful.
    Rory: Oh, tell me about it. And once you've had that drink, I can tell you how I've been moved out of the pool house and into a room right next to my grandparents. So from now on, we'll have to have sex in our invisible suits. [Logan's head falls.] Two Rorys, please.
    Logan: Does your grandfather know also?
    Rory: Oh, yeah.
    Logan [to the bartender]: Make it four.
    Lorelai: Dad?
    Richard: She's having sex, Lorelai. She's having sex under my roof. I paid 40 thousand dollars to redecorate her sex-house. I bought a her a sex mattress. Her sex-box springs.I provided everything she needs to waste her life.
    Lorelai: Dad, Rory having sex is not your fault. Really, she was having sex way before the big renovation.
    Richard: I feel so much better now.

### Let Me Hear Your Balalaikas Ringing Out

    Lorelai: Ooo. He licked the Dark Magenta. What about the baseboards? Dark Magenta. The ceiling? Dark Magenta...you've got the Queer Eye my friend.
    Megan: Luger's Bait and Tackle.
    Lorelai: Oh that's right...they're shutting down. Luger's wife caught him at the motel with the transves...tor radio and uh..he retired honorably.
    Folk Singer: [singing] Met her on the mountain -
    Finn: Met her.
    Colin: Cool, the girl on girl thing.
    Folk Singer: [singing] Where I took her life -
    Colin: It's a snuff film.
    Finn: A lesbian snuff film.
    Folk Singer: [singing] Met her on the mountain -
    Colin: [disappointed] A redundant lesbian snuff film.
    Folk Singer: [singing] Stabbed her with a knife.
    Colin: How INXS missed her, I don't know.
    Logan: Raise a glass to INXS.
    Finn: My countrymen, I'm less than proud to say.
    Rory: What are you doing here?
    Jess: I got a job. Professional driveway skulker.
    Rory: Pay's good?
    Jess: Yeah, but the hours suck.
    Rory: Jess, you've got such a great brain. I knew that if you could just sit down and stop shaking it around you could do something like this.
    Jess: So I just basically wanted to show you that....and tell you... tell you that I couldn't have done it without you.
    Rory: [touched] Thanks.
    Jess: I parked in the street so she wouldn't see.
    Rory: You're very good at covert ops.
    Jess: Years of practice, so where d'you wanna go?
    Rory: I don't know, I don't know the area that well.
    Jess: You LIVE here!
    Rory: I know, but Hartford's still a mystery. [Jess shakes his head] Even when I went to Chilton, I got right on the bus and headed home, so I don't even have any old high school hangouts to revisit. And these days I've just been eating here.
    Jess: Well, I just prefer not going some place that has food in the title.
    Rory: Meaning?
    Jess: Olive. Chili. Soup. No gardens, no plantations.
    Rory: Got it. Something funkier.
    Jess: Steer me to the college district, I'll find us something funky.
    Logan: Oh. You penned the great American novel, Jess?
    Jess: Wasn't quite that ambitious.
    Logan: So what are we talking here? Short novel? Kafka length, or longer. Dos Passos? Tolstoy? Or longer? Robert Musil? Proust? I'm not throwing you with these names, am I?
    Jess: You seem very obsessed with length.
    Logan: You should send me a copy.
    Jess: Sure. Where do I send it? The blond dick at Yale?
Rory runs after Jess, who has stormed out of the restaurant because of Logan.
    Rory: Jess! Wait! [she catches up with him] Jess, I'm sorry.
    Jess: We shouldn't have done this.
    Rory: He's just in a bad way lately-
    Jess: He's a jerk!
    Rory: He was in there, definitely. I am SO sorry.
    Jess: I read that guy the second I saw him, I should have begged off.
    Rory: Well, I didn't want you to!
    Jess: He'd better not come out here!
    Rory: Please, Jess, he had a lot to drink, he's tired from travelling... this isn't him, I swear.
    Jess: What the hell is going on?
    Rory: I told you! He's tired, and his family's bugging him right now-
    Jess: No, I mean, with you! What's going on with you?
    Rory: What do you mean?
    Jess: You know what I mean! I know you, I know you better than anyone! This isn't you!
    Rory: [defensive] I don't know.
    Jess: What are you doing? Living at your grandparents' place - being in the DAR - no Yale - why did you drop out of Yale?!
    Rory: It's complicated!
    Jess: It's not, it's not 'complicated'!
    Rory: You don't know!
    Jess: This isn't you! This! You going out with this jerk? With a Porsche? We made fun of guys like this!
    Rory: You caught him on a bad night.
    Jess: This isn't about HIM! Okay? Screw him! What's going on with you? This isn't you, Rory, you know it isn't! What's going on?!
Rory looks down. Jess peers into her eyes, trying to read her expression.
    Rory: [defensive] I don't know! [softly, unsure] I don't know...
Rory comes back into the bar after Jess leaves.
    Logan: You're not gonna believe this. Over the music, the crowd, I hear one girl's voice cutting through all the folk singers, she's in the corner with her boyfriend, sent them all a round of drinks, I mean, what the hell? [offhand] He gone?
    Rory: [angry] Yes. He's gone.
    Logan: Writers. They're so sensitive.
    Rory: You were a jerk, Logan.
    Logan: I was just challenging him, geez! Hey, if Hemingway could take it, so can he! Hey, if he wanted to, he could have taken a pop at me, pugnacity! It's a vital component of literary life, again, consult your Hemingway. Come on, do not let this guy get to you.
    Rory: You're getting to me!
    Logan: Me?
    Rory: Yes, you were an ass!
    Rory: Jess wrote a book. He wrote a book and you mocked him!
    Logan: I did not mock him!
    Rory: He's doing something!
    Logan: Good, fine, he's doing something, everybody in the world is doing something, more power to him.
    Rory: I'm not! I mean, what am I doing? I'm living with my grandparents-
    Logan: That's temporary, have a drink.
    Rory: 'Temporary' can turn into 'forever'.
    Logan: You're not living with the Gilmores forever.
    Rory: I'm palling with my grandmother, I'm being waited on by a maid, I come home and my shoes are magically shined, my clothes are magically cleaned, ironed and laid out! My bed is magically turned down! I'm in the DAR! I'm going to meetings and teas and cocktail parties?!
    Logan: Again, temporary, have a drink.
    Rory: I'm wasting my time, partying and drinking, just 'hanging out' doing nothing-!
    Logan: Woah, woah, woah, don't pull me into this!
    Rory: I didn't say anything about you.
    Logan: Yes, you did, don't make me feel guilty for your drinking and partying, that's your choice, I'm not forcing you, when I ask you out, you can say no!
    Rory: It's all we do!
    Logan: It's not 'all we do'!
    Rory: It's all YOU do!
    Logan: [aggressive] It's my prerogative, you know? You're damn straight, I'm gonna party, I'm gonna do it while I have the chance, because come June, my life is over!
    Rory: [sarcastically] Oh! Yes! Your horrible life, let's hear about it!
    Logan: Got a week?
    Rory: You have every door open to you! You have opportunities that ANYONE would kill for, including me!
    Logan: No one's stopping you from making whatever you want happen! Go into journalism, go into politics, be a doctor, be a clown, do whatever you want!
    Rory: It's not as easy when it's not HANDED to you!
    Logan: Really? It's all so easy for me? I don't WANT that life! It's FORCED on me! You talk about all these doors being open? All I see is ONE door, and I'm being pushed through it! I have NO choice, you try living without options!
    Rory: How hard are you fighting it?!
    Logan: [infuriated] I didn't tell you to quit Yale! You did that! I gave you one month, you went beyond a month, it had nothing to do with me, it was all you! Now, you wanna change, change it, but don't blame me, don't you dare blame me!

### The Prodigal Daughter Returns

    Luke: I thought you'd be happy!
    Lorelai: Yeah, I am, but sad at the same time. Never been with a woman before?
    Luke: I`ve got another surprise for you.
    Lorelai: What?
    Luke: Upstairs.
    Lorelai: Where?
    Luke: In the bedroom.
    Lorelai: Uh, upstairs in the bedroom. Whatever could it be?
    [They are going upstairs.]
    Luke: Close your eyes.
    Lorelai: I'm not scared of it anymore!
    Luke: They're gonna get cold.
    Lorelai: Are they different?
    Luke: Different than what?
    Lorelai: They seem different.
    Luke: They're nachos. Now eat them.
    Lorelai: You used baked chips.
    Luke: What?!
    Lorelai: You did, didn't you? You used baked chips and low fat cheese.
    Luke: I did not [pauses] use low fat cheese.
    Lorelai: HA
    Luke: How can you tell?
    Lorelai: How could you lie?
    Luke: It tastes the same!
    Lorelai: [sighs] The trust Luke! How are we gonna make it if you're constantly trying to keep me healthy?
    Luke: Fine. Forget it. Die at 60.
    Lorelai: Bring me a donut while I wait!?
    Lorelai: Hey Lane! Woohoo Lane! [Lane keeps walking] Woo Lane seriously, landing planes over here.
    Lane: Lorelai, hey!
    Lorelai: Hey! Fill me up here. [Lane fills coffee mug] So how's it goin'?
    Lane: Good.
    Lorelai: Good, I haven't seen you the last couple days.
    Lane: I've been working the lunch shift.
    Lorelai: Ooh - something wrong?
    Lane: Wrong?
    Lorelai: Yeah, you're, you're givin' me a Valerie Cherish, and 'I don't wanna see that' [both giggle awkwardly] It's a great show, you should watch it.
    Lane: I will.
    Lorelai: It's canceled.
    Lane:Oh, sorry.
    Lorelai: Well, it's your fault, so...
[Lorelai shows Sookie Luke's grandmother's furniture.]
    Sookie: Oh my God, I just saw the cherubs. Ok, let's think. Maybe if you just strip the wood.
    Lorelai: And light a match?
    Sookie: And throw in a little gasoline.
    Lorelai: Mom?
    Emily: I'm in the cockpit.
    Lorelai: Oh... add that to the list of things I thought I'd never hear my mother say.
    Emily: Just let me buy my plane, Lorelai. Let me be frivolous and shallow, will you, please?

### He's Slippin' 'Em Bread...Dig?

    Lane: Very big. Unless it's a Waiting for Guffman thing and the label guys don't show up. Did I just jinx it?
    Rory: I don't know. Let's do that unjinxing thing we used to do just in case. [grabs Lane's pinky] Jinx back, double pinky, round the side, double pinky, jinx back [With Lane].
    Christopher: I've set Gigi up with funds for private school, and prep school. And college. And grad school. And Ph.D. school. And a wedding and a divorce if she wants it. And another wedding. Or she can buy a bunch of cats if she wants to and a lifetime supply of popcorn and Twizzlers. ...What do you want? A car. How bout a Bentley they're pretty sweet. Or a new house? Or tract of land to build a new house?
    Christopher: You're too unmaterialistic I've always thought that about you.
    Lorelai: If it makes you feel any better I'll ask Rory if she wants a brewery or a Bentley.
    Christopher: Or a castle. Don't forget the castle... It doesn't have to be in Ireland. It can be in Germany. Czech Republic. Scotland. Narnia.
    Lorelai: Ok I'm getting very uncomfortable with the Freaky Friday moment we're having here because it means I have to go to Yale, and you have to run the inn. And oh God I hate to think what it means for Luke.
    Rory: They never invited their priest over to try and talk you out of having sex.
    Lorelai: Five times! And on the last one, they triple-teamed with a priest, a rabbi, and a Mormon missionary. I made so many jokes that night I should have had a microphone and a brick wall behind me.

### The Perfect Dress

    Lorelai: [picking up the coffee cup] What's different?
    Rory: No Kalhua.
    Paris: I don't know who's in apartment 7 because meeting 4 and 5 was enough "It Takes a Village" for me. Here we are, apartment 8.
    Rory: Eight is great.
    Paris: You have to unlock the middle bolt first. Bottom bolt second. Top lock third. Bottom lock. Kick the door twice and thats it.
    Rory: Oh my God! Were those gunshots?
    Paris: No that was just a car backfiring. The real gunfire actually sounds fake. You'll pick it up eventually. They call it ghetto-ear.
    Rory: Something to look forward to.
    Paris: I as you know haven't slept through the night since the first time I saw the Wizard of Oz. Thank you Mom.
    Paris: It's going to be a great term, people. An important term. A term to change the history of the Yale Daily News. The work will be hard. It has to be hard. Nothing less than perfect will be tolerated. Please remember that I am your editor. I am not your mother, or your hugger. If you need some love, get a hooker. If you're having a bad day, find a ledge or way to deal. My door is not open to you, ever. You have five minutes to enjoy your cookies. Welcome to the Yale Daily News.

### Just Like Gwen and Gavin

    Voice in the Street: Town meeting!
    Lorelai: What did they say?
    Luke: There was a clown beating?
    Lorelai: Huh! Not again.
    Logan: I miss her, okay? I made a mistake and I'm trying to rectify it but nothing is working. She won't talk to me.
    Lorelai: Can you blame her?
    Logan: No. I'm doing everything I can. Flowers, gifts...
    Lorelai: All your old standbys, huh?
    Logan: Books, coffee cart...I'm trying to show her how I feel.
    Lorelai: And it sounds like she's trying to show you how she feels.
    Logan: Look. I figured this was a suicide mission, okay? It's probably something you and Rory will laugh about for years to come. But I'm not giving up until I exhaust all my options and asking for your help is one of them.
    Lorelai: Really?
    Logan: Yes.
    Lorelai: You're seriously here to ask for my help with Rory? It's not a joke?
    Logan: I'm going for broke here.
    Taylor: [dressed "incognito'] Well I should go.
    Lorelai: Back to 8 Mile?
    Lorelai: Maybe we shouldn't watch this.
    Sookie: It's hard not to.
    Maple Syrup Taster Guy: Got a bit of tobacco in it. And a bit of marshmallow.
    Sookie: Eww. Now I can't smoke a cigar or eat a marshmallow again.
    Lorelai: How does one discover a talent for this?
    Maple Syrup Taster Guy: Remember. We've got spit buckets if anyone needs one.
    Paris: Yeah?
    Delivery Man: UPS. I've got a package for Rory Gilmore?
    Paris: From?
    Delivery Man: Harry and David.
    Paris: Great. Fancy fruit.
    Rory: Sorry.
    Paris: [through the door] Step back from the door and keep your hands where I can see them.
    Lorelai: Kirk, you needed Carnival game volunteers and I volunteered. What's with the hassle?
    Kirk: Well, we do things like ring toss and rope ladder climbing. Your choice is unorthodox.
    Lorelai: That's because I'm not orthodox. I'm liberal with a touch of reform and a smidgen of zippity-pow!
    Rory: They're people. You're people. I mean you don't sing, and neither does Luke. But neither does Gwen or Gavin, really.
    Zack: Yeah! Yeah! Welcome to the S.H., bitch!

### Friday Night Is All Right for Fighting

    Luke: Early morning chores?
    Lorelai: You know. Milking Cows. Feeding Chickens. Slopping Pigs.
    Luke: Slopping pigs?
    Lorelai: Well. They're certainly not going to slop themselves.
    Lorelai: He's completely in shock and he's trying to handle it the best he can.
    Sookie: Drinking?
    Lorelai: No.
    Sookie: Xanax?
    Lorelai: Once upon a time there was a big house, with thick glass windows, and heavy stone walls, and a slightly pornographic fountain in the driveway. And all the animals in the forest were scared of the house because they thought it was haunted, and so did the all the villagers of Hartfordshire-ville...
    Lorelai: Oh, he's perfectly fine with having his personal freedoms slowly stripped away, as long as he's completely unaware that it's happening. Just like a true American.

### You've Been Gilmored

    Lorelai: Solaris?
    Rory: No. Not again.
    Lorelai: I'm telling you there's a story there somewhere.
    Rory: Yeah. The story is you, calling yourself Mrs. Clooney for two hours.
    Emily: Number three?
    Lorelai: Hmm?
    Emily: The martini.
    Lorelai: Helps settle my stomach.
    Emily: Really?
    Luke: What is this feeling, this tightness in the chest, this anger mixed with paralyzing weakness?
    Lorelai: You've been Gilmored!
    Lorelai: Hey for me the jury's out on all you guys...you can thank Brad Pitt for that one.
    Rory: I don't believe it.
    Chris: What?
    Rory: Did you not see those two girls?
    Chris: No, why?
    Rory: They totally checked you out.
    Chris: They did? Hehe, cool!
    Rory: It's the same way with Mom, I swear. I hate having hot parents!
    Rory: Having a bad reaction to an onion brick.
    Lorelai: What part of onion brick do you not understand?
    Rory: I gave dad his tour today. It was nice. He saw the campus. We had dinner.
    Lorelai: Oh, how very 7th Heaven of you.

### A Vineyard Valentine

    Bill: Professor Wallace wants a correction to the interview we printed with him. He wants to clarify that he, in fact, referred to his department's problems with the advisory board as a, quote, us and them thing, unquote.
    Rory: What did we print originally?
    Bill: S & M thing
    Lorelai: I wonder if there's a connection between the shape of lighthouses, ferries, spermaceti, and Gayhead. Hahaha.
    Lorelai: Freeze-dried spaghetti?
    Luke: Just add hot water. Eat it out of the bag.
    Lorelai: Am I gonna find hot water in there?
    [pulls out a mini burner]
    Luke: I got to heat it up on the stove.
    Lorelai: Oh...my God.
    Luke: It's a bowie knife. To cut fish, cut tree limbs.
    Lorelai: To amputate a leg?
    Luke: Not a leg. It could do a foot.
    Lorelai: You didn't know we wouldn't be performing surgery on each other?
    Luke:I wanted to be prepared.
    Lorelai: Oh wow. I was like in a zen, trance. I was totally somewhere else.
    Rory: Oooh I was in Greece, where were you?
    Lorelai: Bergdoff Goodman.
    Rory: When you reach a zen trance you go to Bergdoff Goodman?
    Lorelai: To each his own. Thanks Ron, Jerry.
    Logan: I didn't know the gym had masseurs.
    Lorelai: No, Ron and Jerry work for the laundry service but they have missed their calling.
    Luke: You got laundry guys to give you a massage?
    Rory: Never underestimate the persuasive powers of Lorelai Gilmore.
    Lorelai:This would deffinately do a foot.

### Bridesmaids Revisited

    Kirk: I want to get the healthy glow of someone who goes consistently to the gym without actually having to go of course.
    Christopher: I'm pretty sure it was Brigitte Nielsen and Kareem Abdul-Jabar sat right in front of me.
    Lorelai: Brigitte and Kareem showed up huh? I swear any place with free cheese and crackers, they are there.
    Lorelai: And just remember. If things don't go well. We will stop loving you...we'll be rooting for you.
    Rory: Well it's not really a root for me kind of thing.
    Lorelai: Well we brought foam fingers.
    Christopher: And we're planning on doing the wave if things get dull.
    Lorelai: Dud? :[hand's Christopher a Milk Dud]
    Lorelai: She's Anthony-Michael-Hall-in-Breakfast-Club smart.
    Christopher: I'm very proud, and mystified...Oh it's the new nanny.
    Lorelai: Oh...does Sienna know about this?
    Christopher: These snotty private schools are impossible. Their waiting lists, and psychological tests, and blood samples, and sworn oaths, and dark backroom promises, and every single headmistress looks like Dick Cheney.
    Lorelai: Just so you know that cat bites, scratches, and sprays and I'm pretty sure it's in heat.
    Lorelai: I managed to find Uno and Checkers, and Battleship and most of the pieces of Candyland. Which I figure, we can mix together to create a fabulous new game, Candyship Battleland. War never tasted so good!
    Lorelai: So what are we watching?
    Gigi: "SHHHHH"
    Lorelai: Shhhhindler's List? Oh, Full house. You know I think the Olsen twins weigh less now than they did on that show.
    [Zack proposes to Lane and pulls out a ring]
    Zack: I got it at the pawn shop. It belonged to like an Elk or a Moose or something but it looked cool and I could afford it so I got it.
    Logan: There you are!
    Rory: Here I am.
    Logan: I was looking all over for you! I didn't see you when I was walking down the aisle, I looked for you during the ceremony, where were you?
    Rory: Here.
    Logan: 'Here'. You missed the wedding?
    Rory: I'll apologize to Honor later.
    Logan: Forget Honor, what's going on? Rory?
    Rory: You didn't say a word. You just let me walk into a room full of girls you'd had sex with. [Logan closes his eyes] No, wait, I'm sorry. You only had sex with two and then with one of them, you just 'fooled around with', whatever that means. She spared me the exact parameters of the 'fooling around', you wanna fill me in?
    Logan: Rory...
    Rory: You know what, never mind, got a good imagination, I can figure it out.
    Logan: Okay, look.
    Rory: I can't believe it. You didn't just cheat on me, you really cheated on me!
    Logan: I didn't cheat on you.
    Rory: Oh, so you didn't sleep with-?
    Logan: No, I did, but we were broken up.
    Rory: No, you were broken up, not me, I thought we were just taking some time!
    Logan: Apart, not seeing each other.
    Rory: Yes: taking some time, not seeing each other for a while, that doesn't mean 'broken up'!
    Logan: Oh, come on!
    Rory: No! When... To break up, you have to tell the other person, you can't just decide that you're broken up and then just go off and... God, I can't believe I fell for all your stupid tricks! The coffee cart and going to my mother, you went to my mother, why would you bother going through that? You had plenty of back up, what do you need me for?!
    Logan: Because I love you.
    Rory: No! Don't!
    Logan: Rory, I didn't cheat on you, I didn't lie to you!
    Rory: You didn't tell me!
    Logan: Of course not! Why would I tell you, why would I want you to be hurt and upset and angry?!
    Rory: Blondie, Dizzy, I loved the cover, pretending all those girls were all worthless idiots!
    Logan: They are worthless idiots, shooting their mouths off in front of you like that!
    Rory: It's not their fault!
    Logan: It is their fault, they love doing crap like this, causing trouble!
    Rory: We were only apart for, like, two seconds and you managed to sleep with every one of your sister's friends! How did you even do that, I mean, did you work them in shifts, were there charts, signals, B-12 shots?!
    Logan: I was depressed. I was lonely, I was upset, I've known these girls forever, it was just companionship, okay, it meant nothing!

### I'm OK, You're OK

    Paris: Well, well, if it isn't New Haven's favorite whorehound!
    Logan: Is Rory here?
    Paris: Yes.
    Logan: Can I talk to her?
    Paris: No. You can talk to me. [Opens door] What do you want to talk about? Life? Love? Common symptoms of sexually transmitted diseases? ...Rashes, sores, insanity.
    Paris: I know you cheated on Rory.
    Logan: I did not cheat on Rory.
    Paris: Are you going to deny it? Are you serious?
    Logan: We were apart!
    Paris: Oh please!
    Logan: We were, we weren't together! And why the hell am I arguing with you? I don't want you back!
    Paris: You, Logan Huntzburger, are nothing but a two-bit, spoiled, waste of a trust fund! You offer nothing to women or the world in general! If you were to disappear from the face of the earth tomorrow, the only person that would miss you is your Porsche dealer!
    Paris: No one invited you in here. Now get out before I go Bonaduce on your ass!
    Luke: Did you know I have never seen the Liberty Bell?
    Lorelai: Communist.
    Luke: Ok I'm going to take these guys [spiders] outside. Any particular place you want em?
    Lorelai: Yea someplace shady. Sheltered from the elements. And close to a talking pig.
    Lorelai: Hey will you come over later tonight? I have a cricket cornered in a paper cup in the living room. I poked holes in it so it could breathe and then I taped it to the floor 'cause he kept jumping out and then I put books on top of the tape in case it wasn't sticky enough so don't move the books until you're ready for transport.
    Lane: I have some really really big news.
    Rory: What?
    [Lane shows her the engagement ring]
    Rory: You've become a shriner?
    [Outside Rory and Lane are screaming and jumping up and down]
    Lorelai: Rorys here!
    Luke: She is?
    Lorelai: Yea she's outside bouncing around with Lane.
    Luke: How come she came home?
    Lorelai: I dunno...bouncing lessons?
    [Lane shows her the engagement ring]
    Lorelai:You won the Superbowl?
    Lorelai: Apparently there's a fight to the death between Richard and Emily and an evil German supercomputer.
    Rory: Ooo I wanna hear.
    [On speakerphone]
    Emily: I thought we paid four thousand dollars for a computer to give us directions, not to babysit us and make decisions for us on how to live our lives. I mean what's next? The radio won't turn on if it doesn't like the song? The engine won't turn on if the cup of coffee I'm holding is too hot? Maybe the car won't go in reverse if it doesn't like the smell of my perfume!
    Lorelai: No but I do have this incredibly bad perfume that Luke gave me for Christmas last year that I can spray around the house. It's like a cross between Love's Baby Soft and Curious by Britney Spears with just a hint of Lysol.
    [Sookie enters with an armful of tinfoil trays]
    Sookie: Food!
    Lorelai: No I'm Lorelai
    Sookie: Heavy!
    Lorelai: Now that's just mean!
    Lorelai: I'm sorry. But after you almost get killed on a plane, and a freeway, why would you choose to go on a crazy, terrifying roller coaster?
    Rory: Oh boy
    Lorelai: I mean at that point just stay home right?
    Rory: It's a horror movie
    Lorelai: But it doesn't make sense
    Rory: It's not supposed to make sense. It's supposed to make you sick.
    Lorelai: Whatever. I'm going over to the inn. Wanna come over and hang?
    Rory: No I gotta run some errands. I'll just meet you later.
    Lorelai: Alright, but watch out that a streetlight doesn't accidentally break off, swing down, and decapitate you!
    Rory: Will do.
    Lorelai: I mean why bother even calling it Final Destination 3. At that point just call it Now You're Really, Really, Really Dead!
    Lorelai: Ok see I'm sorry. They did not even come up with a villain. No Freddy? No Jason? The villain is death? How lame is that? Who is seeing this movie?
    Rory: Apparently we are. Many many times.
    Lorelai: But how can they make money like that? Where's the Halloween mask? Where's the costume? How come they keep making the same stupid movie over and over again?
    Rory: Cesar, thank God. We need something to put in her mouth.
    Lorelai: Two cheeseburgers and a copy of Ziegfield's book. We are missing the Boat.

### The Real Paul Anka

    Lorelai: Ok, weird dream.
    Rory: Weirder than the one when you step into the boxing ring and your hands are creampuffs?
    Paris: Oh they're fruit flies. I'm finishing an important paper on Population Genetics and I have to monitor how often Drosophila melanogaster do the nasty.
    Rory: Gross!
    Paris: Complain to God. Not me.
    Kirk: Do you happen to be in the market for a house? Cuz this baby's a honey.
    Lorelai: Something in the corner just moved.
    Kirk: Just a rat. I'd have told you about them before you bought the place. The law also requires me to inform you the house has toxic mold, asbestos, methane gas, buckling floors, a crumbling foundation,a collapsed fireplace, ceiling damage, water damage, and it was the recent site of a Wicca convention, and a particularly grisly murder-suicide. Nothing we can't work with.
    Jess: You don't have to read it again.
    Rory: I know I don't.
    Jess: There's so many things I would change in it.
    Rory: Like what?!
    Jess: I'd... keep the back cover, everything else goes!
    Rory: You know why I love your book?
    Jess: Why?
    Rory: It doesn't remind me of anything! It's not a rip off, it's just you.
    Jess: High praise, Miss Yale Editor!
    Jess: You look happier than when I saw you last.
    Rory: I am.
    Jess: So... you fixed everything?
    Rory: Yeah. Everything's fixed.
    Jess: ... I'm glad you're here.
    Rory: Yeah, me too.
[Jess leans in and kisses her but Rory pulls away]
    Jess: What?
    Rory: I'm... sorry.
    Jess: About what?
    Rory: Ah... about coming here like this! I just got the flyer, and I don't know, I just wanted to see your place, but then... this... It's not fair to you, I'm such a jerk!
    Jess: I - I don't know what you're talking about!
    Rory: I couldn't even cheat on him the way he cheated on me!
    Jess: Who? Who cheated on you - that guy?! Oh... you're still with him.
    Rory: Yeah.
    Jess: I thought everything was 'fixed'.
    Rory: Everything but him.
    Jess: I hate this.
    Rory: You should, I'm sorry!
    Jess: You came here alone, to Philadelphia!
    Rory: He was out of town.
    Jess: I don't deserve this, Rory.
    Rory: No, you don't! You don't deserve it! I just... I'm in love with him. Despite all the bad he's done, I can't help it, I'm in love with him.
    Jess: [ironically] Love, huh?
    Rory: Yeah...
    Jess: I guess I'll call Matthew's poet, and have him explain love to me. Poets know all about it, right?
    Rory: They're supposed to. I'm so sorry I came here.
    Jess: I'm not. It's what it is, you, me. [as Rory walks away] Hey, uh... if it makes you feel better, you can always tell him that we did 'something'.
    Rory: Thanks, Jess.

### I Get a Sidekick out of You

    Mrs. Kim: What do you mean, Luke's out of town?
    Lorelai: Ah, well, I mean... Luke's left town. He's gone far away from town. Town's there and Luke's over here.
    Mrs. Kim: He's not coming to the wedding with you?
    Lorelai: No.
    Mrs. Kim: You mean, you're coming alone? Unescorted?
    Lorelai: Well, Rory will be there, so.
    Mrs. Kim: No, she won't like it.
    Lorelai: Who won't?
    Mrs. Kim: You can't come alone. An unmarried woman of certain age, unescorted, wearing the clothes you tend to wear. People will think things, bad things.
    Lorelai: Like what?
    Mrs. Kim: Like you're a tramp and possibly for sale.
    Lorelai: Wow, suddenly Footloose is not seeming so silly.
    Mrs. Kim: What are we gonna do?
    Lorelai: Well, I guess first of all, we should agree on of a price.
    Mrs. Kim: You'll have to find someone, who'll bring you. You have to find a man.
    Lorelai: In one day? Are you kidding me? It took me this long to find Luke.
    Mrs. Kim: My daughter wants you at her wedding, fine. But if you're to come, then you need to come with a man. [goes back into her house] And Kirk does not count!
    Lorelai: [to herself] Lorelai Gilmore. Disappointing mothers since 1968.
    Mrs. Kim: Lane, I have something very upsetting to talk to you about.
    Lane: Oh, what?
    Mrs. Kim: It concerns the wedding night.
    Lane: Oh, boy…
    Mrs. Kim: Yes, oh boy. Marriage is a job, Lane. There are rewards that come with this job but there are also sacrifices. There are things you’re gonna have to do.
    Lane: Things?
    Mrs. Kim: Terrible things.
    Lane: Momma, you don’t have to-
    Mrs. Kim: You need to hear this! You need to know what to expect. It will start early.
    Lane: What will?
    Mrs. Kim: The man’s expectations. It starts early. At the wedding, actually. At the wedding you’re going to have to kiss him.
    Lane: Momma…
    Mrs. Kim: You’ll then be expected to share a bed with tonight, and when you’re in that bed, you’re expected to-
    Lane: Momma, please-
    Mrs. Kim: You’re gonna have to do it with this boy, Lane. You’re just gonna have to do it. Hopefully, if you’re lucky like me, you’ll only have to do it once.
    Lane: Oh.
    Lorelai: Eh, excuse me. Hi. Mrs. Kim? I'd like you to meet Christopher Hayden. He's Rory's father and a MAN!
    Christopher: Did that really need clarification?
    [Lane's grandmother and mother run to a large statue of Buddha and begin bowing continuously]
    Rory: What was that all about?
    Lane: Three complaints, two insults, and a hefty dose of religious guilt.
    Rory: What are they doing now?
    Lane: Oh, it's called the ritual of 108 bows.
    Rory: It should be called 108 ows. Heh. My mother woulda liked that.
    Lorelai: Ok we gotta make sure we got everything on the list. Rory read out the list.
    Rory: Beer.
    Girl: Check.
    Rory: More beer.
    Lorelai: Check.
    Rory: Pretzels and beer.
    Girl: Check.
    Rory: Various chocolately treats. Alternative alcohol for those who don't like beer, and beer.
    Girl: Check.
    Gee-Young: I had to get outta house. Stinks of kimchee and incense you can't breathe. There are buddhas everywhere staring at you
    Lane: When did you start double dressing. And Avril Lavigne?
    Gee-Young: Avril Lavigne rocks! You are such a snob. If it's not Joy Division, you don't like it. Well, you can't dance to Joy Division!
    Lorelai: Um ok. :[typing on Rory's Sidekick to Christopher] Your daughter is about to see Richard Gere's penis. Enjoy your celery. That should shut him up for a while.
    [Friend of Lane's throwing up by the gazebo]
    Lorelai: That's gotta be some kind of record.
    Lorelai: How is Gigi?
    Christopher: She is, well... Hold on a sec. [holds his phone in the air] You hear that?
    Lorelai: No.
    Christopher: Exactly.
    Lorelai: Oh, come on... It's naptime.
    Christopher: Not until four, my friend.
    Lorelai: Ha... Then she's holding her breath until you buy her a Porsche.
    Christopher: She is in her room playing with her toys, shining her halo as we speak.
    Lorelai: Well, well, well... Look who's cracking the whip.
    Christopher: I gotta tell you, that "No" word is pretty awesome. I can't wait to try out the "You're grounded".
    Rory: [looking at her sidekick] Dad's feet are two different sizes.
    Lorelai: Oh for the love of... Hey. [holds up two purses] Which one says "Hi, I'm not a whore, enjoy your day"?
    Rory: The pink one.
    Sookie: Why are we running?
    Lorelai: 58 seats, 62 Koreans!
    Christopher: Alright Calamity Jane, lets get you to bed.

### Super Cool Party People

    Lorelai: Is there something long and sharp sticking out of my head?
    Sookie: No.
    Lorelai: Well I want there to be. There is an effect. I need a cause.
    Sookie: The cause was ten giant shots of tequila honey.
    Sookie: I've seen you wasted before but never like this. I mean we had you guzzling coffee but it just made you energetically wasted.
    Lorelai: So now, what did I do in front of the camera?
    Sookie: Well when you spotted the videographer, you got suddenly very excited to film your audition tape for America's Next Top Model.
    Lorelai: Oh My God!
    Sookie: Yeah
    Lorelai: I thought that was a dream!
    Sookie: It wasn't
    Lorelai: The posing, the strutting, the inappropriate gyrating?
    Sookie: All caught on video and several of Zack's friend's camera phones.
    Lorelai: Why didn't you stop me?
    Sookie: I tried. We all tried. But you were on a mission. You kept saying "I'm not here to make friends! I wanna win!" And then after that...
    Lorelai: There's an after that?
    Sookie: You tried to start a limbo contest a poker game, and a secret club for super cool party people only. None of those things really took off especially the limbo considering your choice of limbo sticks was Zacks..
    Lorelai: [chiming in] great uncle's cane! Oh yeah, Is he ok?
    Sookie: He stumbled but we caught him. He's fine!
    Lorelai: So is that all? Anything else I need to worry about?
    Sookie: Nope, after you crowned yourself arm-wrestling champion of the world Christopher and Rory scooped you up and got you home.
    Sookie: Super cool party people bid you super cool adieu!!
    [Lorelai gives her a puzzled look]
    Sookie: That's how you were saying goodbye to people at the wedding.
    Lorelai: Super.
    Lorelai: That's what it is. Constitution face.
    Luke: I brought you something
    Lorelai: Aww did you steal me the constitution cuz that could be the start of a really dumb movie.
    Luke: It's from Amish country. These little Amish girls hand make them.
    Lorelai: Aww it's adorable. Patti look. An amish voodoo doll.
    Luke: It's just a doll the Amish don't put faces on their dolls or pins in them.
    Lorelai: Oh well it's my doll now. What the Amish don't know won't hurt them, unless of course I want to hurt them.
    Paris: Forget it. I don't know how to read charts yet. I could tell you everything I know about the dominant and recessive genes of a fruit fly but God forbid I learn how to read a chart until I'm a 4th year surgical resident.
    Lorelai: Marsha! Fabulous. You look like Sophia Loren.
    Marsha: I was going for Vanessa Minnillo on MTV.
    Lorelai: Oh yea, I love her music.
    Marsha: She's a VJ.
    April: Purple. I'm obsessed with purple. Probably because I'm obsessed with Harold and the Purple Crayon. I know I'm too old but it's still like one of my all time favorite books.
    Lorelai: That's ok. I'm too old for US Weekly. Never stopped me.

### Driving Miss Gilmore

    Lorelai: How can you possibly say she looks better with the dark hair?
    Rory: She did. The blonde just seemed like she was trying to be her sister.
    Lorelai: The dark hair makes it look like she's trying too hard not to look like her sister. Plus, she does not have the nose for dark hair.
    Rory: What does that mean?
    Lorelai: Dark hair is like a giant light-up arrow pointing to what is wrong with you. Blonde hair-- it all sort of blends in a haze of beige.
    Richard: Well I told you not to serve spaghetti and meatballs. They always fight when you serve spaghetti and meatballs.
    Lorelai: That's not true.
    Rory: We fight just as much when we have Chinese food.
    Emily: Can we please talk about something besides food?
    Lorelai: What? Starvation? Scurvy? the Donner Party?
    Richard: Personally, I like you with glasses.
    Lorelai: It's that whole, dirty librarian thing, right dad?
    [Michel jogging in place]
    Michel: For the last two weeks I've been drinking 2% Milk in my coffee every single day!!
    Lorelai: Insert gasp here.
    Michel: That's two full weeks of two cups of coffee every day. It used to be one cup but then the coffee started tasting so good I added an afternoon jolt. And now I've found out that I've been consuming an extra billion calories a day.
    Lorelai: At least it's not affecting your ability to do math. [To Sookie] Isn't this bouncing bothering you?
    Sookie: It was but now it's like having a Beyoncè video on.
[after finding a large amount of marijuana growing on Jackson's garden]
    Sookie: I could bake it into brownies.
    Jackson: But then what would we do with the brownies?
    Emily: Plus I think he had a gun in his pocket.
    Lorelai: Maybe he was just happy to see you.
    Lorelai: No mom, that's not a car, that's a rap video set.
    Emily: I ordered it especially because it's got the darkest windows available. They said its the car that Jay-Z uses when he's in town. I assume that's some sort of entertainer.They kept telling me it's got bulletproof windows. As if that's a selling point!
    Emily: Maureen this is my daughter Lorelai. She has a headache. They tend to make her babble.
    Maureen: Oh I'm sorry. Would you like some aspirin?
    Lorelai: Oh no thanks I'm ok. I've had the headache for 38 years.

### Partings

    Rory: You're grounded!
    Lorelai: Sorry, Mom! Kimmy saw this guy at the mall, who was a total Chachi and he bought us a Slurpee and we totally lost track of time.
    Rory: I called you twice! I left messages. I called the national guard, who didn't answer because they're all in Baghdad.
    Lorelai: Well, I just checked my messages.
    Rory: I won't be ignored, Dan!
    Miss Patty: Well... I... I don't know... You know half the time people speak to me I'm thinking about Baryshnikov. Did you see Turning Point?
    Luke: No.
    Patty: Oh, that man was so beautiful.
    Luke: Yeah, I'm sure.
    Patty: Pure sex. Walking. Or flying actually. That man could fly. Have you ever thought of taking dance?
    Luke: Me? No.
    Patty: Oh, maybe you might wanna think about it. There's nothing sexier than a man in tights.
    Luke: Yeah, I'm sure that's true. Look, can you just tell Lorelai I came by?
    Patty: Oh, of course I will, honey.
    Luke: Thanks. Stop imagining me in tights, Patty.
    Patty: It's a free country, honey!
    Lorelai: Well I know how mad you get when I bring the Insane Clown Posse with me.
    Lorelai: What's this?
    Richard: Don't touch that!
    Lorelai: Oh my God! It's weapons of mass destruction! Quick! Get the president on the phone! If he's not in the oval office, try the ice cream room!
    Lorelai: Voices in my head... totally normal, right?
    Linny: What?
    Lorelai: There's only two. That speak English.
    Lorelai: I don't think I ever really loved anyone. Until Luke.
    Linny: So, what are you gonna do? Only you can make you wait. Nobody else can. You need to decide what you want and what you're willing to give up to get it. And then you've got to be okay with that. Or you've got to be okay with waiting.
    Lorelai: I could lose him if I push too hard.
    Linny: You don't really seem to have him now, at least not the way you want to have him. You won't get anything unless you ask for it. Then if you ask for it and you don't get it, maybe it wasn't worth having in the first place. Some things are just never meant to be. No matter how much we wish they were.
    Lorelai: I can only imagine what you could do if you had a couch.