# Stargate SG-1/Season 9

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Stargate SG-1 (1997–2007) is an American television series about a secret military team, SG-1, that is formed to explore other planets through the recently discovered Stargates. The show, created by Brad Wright and Jonathan Glassner, is based on the 1994 science fiction film Stargate by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich.

### Avalon Part 1 [9.1]

    Dave: Eighty-seven mission hours to thirty-two alien planets. Front-line ground combat on four different occasions.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I was hoping you could tell me something about yourself... something personal.
    Dave: People call me "Dave."
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: It says here that's your name.
    Dave: Yes.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [to Daniel] Look, the tablet is written in Ancient code, right? I know it's not the lost city of Atlantis we're looking for here, but whatever it is could be worth finding. Or you're just going to have to marry that chick.
    Vala: Yeah! Let's make babies! [She grins widely at Daniel]
    Vala: Try playing hard to get.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Man, look who's talking.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [to Vala] Ladies first.
    Vala: [to Daniel] Well then, after you.
    [SG-1 rings into the empty caves]
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Wicked!...and empty.
    Vala: I haven't been this disappointed since Daniel and I had sex.
    Vala: You should give me a weapon.
    Dr. Jackson: Nope.
    Vala: There could be some sort of icky creature down here left behind to protect the treasure.
    Dr. Jackson: For hundreds of years?
    Vala: Some sort of stasis or hibernation. What if it senses our presence and awakens hungry for human flesh?
    Dr. Jackson: That doesn't quite sound like the Ancients' style.
    Vala: Still...
    Dr. Jackson: I'm sure if there is a monster down here, it's going to be much more scared of you than you are of it. Especially once it gets to know you.
    [a hologram of Merlin appears]
    Merlin: Welcome, ye knights of the round table, men of honor, followers of the path of righteousness. Only those with wealth of knowledge and truth of spirit shall be given access to the underworld, the storehouse of riches of Ambrosius Aurelianus. Prove ye worthy, and all shall be revealed.
    Dr. Jackson: That's incredible. Certain scholars have speculated that Ambrosius and Arthur were one and the same, but that would have made him 74 years old at the Battle of Mount Badon. It's actually quite fascinating. See, Ambrosius was the son of the Emperor Constantine—
    Vala: [dismissive] Yes, yes, yes. "Fascinating" is the one thing it's not. How do we "prove ye worthy" and get "all to be revealed"?
    Dr. Jackson: I have no idea, but something tells me truth of spirit may be a bit of a problem for you.
    Vala: [defensively] You know nothing about me!
    Dr. Jackson: Because everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Don't make me separate you two.
    Dr. Jackson: If you immediately know the candlelight is fire…
    Vala: Huh?
    Dr. Jackson: Nothing.
    Vala: Hmmm…
    Dr. Jackson: This pot says 'The universe is infinite.'
    Vala: That seems infinitely useless; what does this one say?
    Dr. Jackson: 'The treasure is in this pot.'
    Vala: Really? I was hoping for something a little more substantial, but okay.
    Dr. Jackson: Wait, wait, wait!
    Vala: Too obvious?
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Whoa, whoa, whoa, man! Bullets bounce!
    General Landry: A general is only as good as the people he commands.
    General O'Neill: Who said that?
    General Landry: I just did.
    [O'Neill looks at Landry doubtfully]
    General Landry: I mean, Douglas MacArthur may have said something similar.
    Vala: Well. Don't you all have me surrounded.
    General Landry: Welcome to the SGC. I'm General Landry.
    Vala: Vala. Vala Mal Doran. Thank you so much for the lovely greeting party. We all had a wonderful time searching each other, didn't we, boys?
    Vala: You ever heard of the Go'auld Nut?
    Dr. Jackson: As in... cashew? Pea-...? [off Vala's look] Oh, you mean the Egyptian sky goddess.
    Vala: Yes.
    Dr. Jackson: No, never heard of her.
    Vala: These were her ceremonial marriage bracelets. She would affix them to herself and her husband of the moment.
    Dr. Jackson: "Of the moment".
    Vala: Yes, she had many. One of the few admirable traits about her.

### Avalon Part 2 [9.2]

    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Room full of gold and jewels, and Dr. Daniel Jackson finds the one book.
    Dr. Jackson: [to Landry] I mean, isn't that why we're doing this, all of this? The Stargate program, the budget? Isn't it so we can go out and meet new races? Gather advanced technology? Possibly learn about ourselves in the process?
    Vala: Oh, come on. You do it to meet women.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [also to Landry] She has a point, sir.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: So any one of us can take the pony ride?
    Dr. Jackson: Yeah, and I figured that was going to be me. I mean, I did miss the Daedalus for this, so...
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: You're going to dine out on that for a while?
    Dr. Jackson: Yeah, yeah, like you wouldn't believe.
    [regarding the book]
    Dr. Jackson: It says here the Alterans named their new home Avalon and built many Astria Porta.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Stargates?
    Dr. Jackson: Yes.
    Vala: I thought the Ancients built the Stargates.
    Dr. Jackson: Well, it stands to reason that they didn't always call themselves the Ancients.
    [The villagers are about to burn Vala to death]
    Dr. Jackson: What the hell did you say?!
    Vala: I think at first it's what I didn't say. You see, apparently there's a blessing you're supposed to recite over the leaves before you drink, which nobody warned me about. Then I think it's what I did say. I was trying to politely explain what was going on and then his wife started screaming and accusing me of being overcome. At which point I believe I suggested she might want to think about procreation... with herself.
    [Vala has just been revived after being burned to death, and is crying in Daniel's arms]
    Vala: I've got tingles all over. And don't flatter yourself, I'm pretty sure it's not you.

### Origin [9.3]

    Vala: If the Ori are so powerful, why do they need people to spy for them?
    Prior: The Ori need nothing from us.
    Dr. Jackson: [quoting] "It is we who must seek the truth of the universe in order to achieve enlightenment."
    [Vala gives Daniel a funny look]
    Dr. Jackson: [shrugs] Been down this road before.
    Dr. Jackson: I'm sorry to interrupt, but um…if you brought us here to try and convert us, it is fair to tell you that we are really not in the market for new gods.
    [The Ori have possessed the Doci to communicate with Daniel]
    Ori-possessed Doci: We are Ori.
    Dr. Jackson: [visibly horrified] And you instruct these people to worship you?
    Ori-possessed Doci: We are their creators. All who follow the path will join us in enlightenment.
    Dr. Jackson: Do you know who the Alterans are?
    Ori-possessed Doci: Those who abandoned the path are evil!
    Dr. Jackson: Evil? Why?
    Ori-possessed Doci: They shielded you.
    Dr. Jackson: Really. I didn't really think they did much of anything for us, but I guess I was wrong.
    Prior: Origin will guide you on this path, and those who revere its wisdom shall be uplifted. I have come to spread the word to the unbelievers who have been... sheltered, and raised by evil.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [whispering to General Landry] You have no idea how much he sounds like my grandma.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: "And a man has no greater thing under the sun than to eat, drink and be merry." Ecclesiastes, my favorite. [Pause to show the Prior sizing up Mitchell.] My grandma was a bit of a Bible-thumper. Weekends at grandma's meant long, long Sundays at St. Hilda's Church of the Grand Epiphany. Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell. How ya doin?
    Prior: And the people shall deliver the wicked, unto your divine judgment, where their sins shall be weighed in balance, with all that is just, and true.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: If you help us out here, I'll guarantee we'll be more receptive to those stories you want to tell. Call it a miracle if you want.
    Prior: When Hannor Mir fell from the sky and learned to fly on the way down... that was a real miracle.
    Doci: Great holy armies shall be gathered and trained to fight all who embrace evil. In the name of the gods, ships shall be built to carry our warriors out amongst the stars, and we will spread Origin to all the unbelievers. The power of the Ori will be felt far and wide, and the wicked shall be vanquished.
    General O'Neill: Sorry you missed the Daedalus.
    Dr. Jackson: No, you're not.
    General O'Neill: You're right, I'm not.
    General O'Neill: Now, see, that's one of the great things about being a general. You pretty much get to do whatever you want.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I suppose after you've saved the world seven or eight times…
    General O'Neill: [amused] Who's counting, huh?
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Teal'c.

### The Ties That Bind [9.4]

    Vala: Came to see me off? That's sweet.
    Dr. Jackson: Well, we've been through a lot together. I just wanted to come here myself and make sure you were… thoroughly searched.
    Dr. Jackson: He's the guy you stole the bracelets from, right?
    Vala: How dare you assume that I acquired those bracelets through anything but honest means! I may have a less than perfect reputation—
    Dr. Jackson: You told me you stole them!
    Vala: I did?
    Dr. Jackson: Yes!
    [Vala is nearly in tears after Daniel claims she uses sex as a weapon. He starts to apologize when he suddenly comes to a realization.]
    Dr. Jackson: Are you messing with me?
    Vala: Is it working?
    Arlos: I'm not after revenge. The truth is, the bracelets weren't the only thing she took from me. She also stole… my heart.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Excuse me?
    Arlos: I remember it as if it were yesterday. Some nights, we would steal away from the city, strip off our clothing, and bathe in the springs of Aragaten. We would chase one another across the mossy hills and then lie naked under Adora's moons and Vala would sometimes—
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Okay, that's great, thanks. We got the picture. [to himself] A very vivid, very disturbing picture.
    Arlos: Yes. Those were wonderful, carnal times.
    General Landry: [about Vala] She accused the Chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee of having a, uh, let's just call it an "insufficient manhood." She's gotta go.
    General Landry: [to Walter] Don't make me promote you.
    Inago: Vala! You cowardly, backstabbing sorry excuse for a woman. How've you been?
    Vala: Inago. You filthy, double talking slug. Nice to see you too.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Obviously they used to date.
    Vala: We could be partners, and split everything down the middle, sixty-forty.
    [Vala is found by Dr. Jackson in his bed claiming to have gone into the wrong room]
    Vala: Anyhow, since I'm here shall we make the best of it?
    Dr. Jackson: No we shalln't.
    Dr. Jackson: I can do it. Just uh, do me a favor. I need some help.
    Vala: Okay, what?
    Dr. Jackson: Go to the panel by the rear exit.
    Vala: Okay, now what?
    Dr. Jackson: Stay there, shut up, and let me finish.
    Teal'c: Colonel Mitchell. At times you remind me of O'Neill.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Ah, well, I'll take that as a compliment.
    Teal'c: As you wish.

### The Powers That Be [9.5]

    Vala: Look, I never killed anyone, I never tortured them, I was a wonderful god. Just ask them!
    Dr. Jackson: I think we will.
    Vala: Why? You don't believe me?
    Dr. Jackson: That, and I'm not totally convinced they are ultimately going to follow your command, nor should that be the only reason they don't follow the Priors.
    Vala: I am still supposed to be their god, I can't very well go out there and ask them if they are going to listen to me.
    Dr. Jackson: I wasn't expecting you to.
    Vala: What makes you think they're going to tell you the truth; you're supposed to be my faithful servant.
    Dr. Jackson: Then I'll sort of explain that we're not as faithful as you might like to believe, and if necessary I'll also tell them we're plotting to kill you.
    Vala: I have heard better plans!
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I kinda like it.
    Vala: Shut up!
    After Mitchell has persuaded the villagers to put Vala on trial.
    Vala: Thank you! I apologize for ever questioning your masterful skills at negotiation!
    Dr. Jackson: He's doing the best he can.
    Vala: That's what terrifies me!
    Dr. Jackson: Okay. We have a very limited window of opportunity here. If you expose yourself as a false god, if you tell these people how you fooled them and why, we might be able to make them skeptical about the Prior.
    Vala: Or, it could push them towards believing in the Ori as true gods even more.
    Dr. Jackson: No, the only chance these people have, the only chance any of us have against the Priors is to show them that we will not accept the Ori as gods. No matter what happens, we must reject them. True enlightenment must begin with the truth.
    Dr. Jackson: Maybe hoarding knowledge is wrong….or maybe it's not. Maybe, learning something for yourself is part of the journey to enlightenment. But killing someone for not worshiping you, regardless of your power, IS wrong. Very wrong. Knowledge is power, but how you use that power defines whether you are good, or evil.
    Prior: From the smallest seed of doubt springs forth a mighty poisonous tree of evil.

### Beachhead [9.6]

    Dr. Jackson: Most of the System Lords were killed by the Replicators. Then, we defeated the Replicators.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Wow, we look cool.
    General Landry: Don't let it go to your head.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell, leader of SG-1.
    Nerus: You are not...
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: No.
    Nerus: Will he be here?
    Lt. Colonel Carter: Now, considering their unique ability to maintain an active Stargate indefinitely and their force field capabilities, the President has authorized any and all means to complete the mission.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Oh, boy. And here I was trying to have a nuke free career.
    [Mitchell, Carter, Daniel, and Teal'c set off on their first mission together, with Vala]
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: How good is this? Got the band back together!
    Lt. Colonel Carter: [looking at Vala] Yeah, so what's with the extra back-up singer?
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Oh, she's good fun.
    Dr. Jackson: [pulling Vala's scarf off her neck] Vala, this is a military vessel.
    Vala: I know, darling. I've stolen it before.
    Dr. Jackson: Well, just try to be, uh…
    Vala: My charming self?
    Dr. Jackson: Just a little less talk; a little more shut the hell up.
    Dr. Jackson: The next idea we come up with has to be outside the box.
    Lt. Colonel Carter: Okay, the gate is composed of individual units. The—There must be some sort of energy linkage between them, like a—like a chain.
    Vala: Exactly, so we—
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: So we need a big ol' set of bolt cutters.
    Dr. Jackson: Oooh. Too far outside the box. Get closer to the box.
    Goa'uld Nerus: I have helped the Ori, and when you kill me, I shall ascend.
    General Landry: No, you will descend to a small, dark room at the bottom of Area 51, and you stay there until you come up with a way to defeat the Ori.
    Nerus: What could possibly compel me to do that?
    General Landry (Smiling in satisfaction):Hunger.
    (Nerus gives an appalled look in fright of not eating)

### Ex Deus Machina [9.7]

    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Witnesses?
    Dr. Jackson: One. Some guy who was working overtime, spent most of the firefight under his desk, but was able to provide the descriptions of three individuals: big, tattooed, chain mail pants.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: So it's either our Jaffa, or KISS is back on tour.

### Babylon [9.8]

    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [imitating Teal'c] "The Warriors of the Sodan exist, Colonel Mitchell. I am certain of it."
    Dr. Jackson: Needs more bass.
    Sgt. Harriman: Receiving an IDC, sir. It's Colonel Mitchell.
    Dr. Jackson: You're kidding.
    Sgt. Harriman: I would never do that, sir.
    Volnek: Oh, we have unfinished business.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Hey, take it easy.
    Volnek: You shot me!
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: You shot me first!
    Jolam: You are not tired?
    Mitchell: Six weeks' airborne training at Fort Benning-- that's tired. This is nothing. Come on.

### Prototype [9.9]

    [Carter realizes why the Stargate is malfunctioning]
    Lt. Colonel Carter: Huh. Maybe it wasn't our fault.
    Dr. Jackson: I thought it was always our fault.
    [SG-1 is exploring an abandoned Goa'uld lab]
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [approaching weird technology] There is someone home.
    Dr. Jackson: Wa-wait!
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [touches button] What? I was looking for the light switch.
    Dr. Jackson: [shining his flashlight at Mitchell] New guy!
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [indicating a computer] Hey, you touched that!
    Dr. Jackson: Ah, I know how to read that!
    [Regarding Khalek]
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I shot him twice point blank.
    Dr. Lam: And he's healing. Remarkably fast.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I should have emptied the clip.

### The Fourth Horseman, Part 1 [9.10]

    General Landry: Colonel Carter, I've read your proposal.
    Lt. Colonel Carter: And?
    General Landry: And I'm not exactly sure what an aneurysm feels like, but I suspect I'm pretty close.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I'm glad I'm not the only one.
    Dr. Lee: Why didn't you just tell him we'd come up with a viable method for cold fusion while you were at it?!
    Dr. Lee: I admit it's a pretty sound theory. Pardon the pun. [chuckles] Ultra-sonic waves. [laughs] Uhh, that's good. Anyway...
    Dr. Lee: Well, trying to achieve something as specific as isolating one small part of the brain is like...it's like... trying to...do something...that's impossible.
    Lt. Colonel Carter: Good analogy.
    General Landry: According to the mission report on your first encounter with Orlin, you two had an... "intimate" relationship?
    Lt. Colonel Carter: Uh, well, we did. But, uh, he didn't look like that. He was…
    Dr. Lam: Taller?
    Lt. Colonel Carter: He was a grown man.
    [regarding the Anti-Prior device]
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: So how does it work, assuming it actually does work?
    Dr. Lee: You know, I keep telling myself that one of these days I'm going to do something that gets me a little respect.
    Dr. Jackson: We're all waiting for that day, Bill.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well while we're at it, why don't we just assume I can fly?
    Dr. Lee: Oh, actually, I have been working on a theory...

### The Fourth Horseman, Part 2 [9.11]

    Prior: It makes no difference what you do to me. But know this: The Ori are all-seeing! They are already aware of this... affront to their eminence and shall strike down those who defy them.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [shrugs] Nothing yet, you?
    Dr. Jackson: Drawing a blank. [pause] A little thirsty.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: That doesn't count.
    Dr. Jackson: No, it doesn't.
    Prior: Their movements are not so easily divined. Their ways are unseen and veiled in mystery.
    Dr. Jackson: Right, right, they have a "plan". (Mitchell makes the "air quotes" sign.) Don't suppose you want to tell us what that plan is? For example, why did they send you to this galaxy in the first place?
    Prior: We are beacons on the road to enlightenment.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: No, you are dark-side intergalactic encyclopedia salesmen, but unfortunately, the home office hasn't been quite upfront with you.
    Dr. Jackson: Nice work on the metaphor.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Thank You.
    Dr. Jackson: For starters: Did you know, the Ori need people to worship them to gain their power?
    [Prior looks surprised for a moment, but then collects himself]
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: He didn't know...
    Dr. Jackson: No, he didn't know that. [to Prior] No, it's true.
    [Lt. Colonel Mitchell has just completed a lengthy dissertation on how to make an avocado omelette as General Landry arrives]
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: General, we were just exchanging recipes.
    General Landry: Has the prisoner offered anything?
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: No sir, the man doesn't even have a decent pie crust.
    General Landry: I'm telling you, I'm fine! [to his daughter] Carolyn, can you tell those people I'm fine?
    Dr. Lam: You're not fine.
    Jolan: How will we know when the device is working?
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well, we'll know when he's no longer able to use his powers.
    Haikon: How will we know the Prior is no longer able to use his powers?
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well, someone is just gonna have to test it and find out.
    [Jackson and the Sodan Jaffa look as though they're preparing themselves for bad news]
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: No worries, fellas, that someone is me.
    [Jackson looks pleased, nods vigorously, points to Mitchell]
    [Gerak enters the quarantine room]
    Dr. Lam: What's going on?
    Teal'c: Gerak has arrived to assist us.
    [Gerak pauses]
    Teal'c: Why do you hesitate, Gerak?
    Gerak: If I help you, I will die. But I will die free!
    [Gerak slams the end of his staff to the floor; it begins to glow, the light eventually infusing the entire base. Gerak bursts into flames and disappears.]

### Ripple Effect [9.13]

    Dr. Jackson: Okay, say for example we accept the possibility that this is an alternate SG-1 from a… parallel universe. How did they get here?
    Lt. Colonel Carter: I got nothing.
    [Everyone looks at Carter in surprise]
    Lt. Colonel Carter: ...yet.
    [Mitchell walks into the room where Alternate Daniel is being held, and hands him a cup of coffee]
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Sumatra Mandheling. Two creams, one sugar.
    [Alternate Daniel raises his eyebrows]
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Lucky guess.
    Lt. Colonel Carter: As we discussed the situation, we realized we could pinpoint the source of the phenomenon to a precise window, specifically, the interim journey between the two gates.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Did she just say "we?"
    Lt. Colonel Carter: Pardon me?
    Dr. Jackson: She said "we." You said "we?"
    Lt. Colonel Carter: Ah. Uh, me and...myself, I suppose. The other Samantha Carter.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Right. Finally someone who can keep up with you, huh?
    Lt. Colonel Carter: [Happily] Yup.
    [Landry walks into a room full of alternate-reality Carters]
    General Landry: Carter!
    [All the Carters turn around]
    General Landry: My Carter.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: You know, I read all the mission reports on the Asgard. They're not what I expected.
    Lt. Colonel Carter: What were you expecting?
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well, pants, for one.
    Alternate Mitchell: So if this plan goes FUBAR, we're the only ones to go down with the ship?
    Dr. Jackson: Well, there's plenty more where we came from, right?
    Kvasir: [nobly] The perilous nature of this mission should not be taken lightly. There is a chance the Prometheus may not survive this voyage. But courage and a steadfast resolve will prove the most valuable assets in this undertaking. [pauses, goes on casually] Well, good luck to you all. [beams out]
    Dr. Jackson: I miss Thor.
    [Landry walking with the SG-1 team issues an order to Mitchell]
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: What if there are more teams coming in hot?
    General Landry: I'm willing to make the occasional exception, but I am not about to turn this base into the Grand Central Station of the Multiverse.

### Stronghold [9.14]

    Ba'al: I admit we've certainly had our differences in the past, but you need to hear what I have to say.
    Teal'c: I will not hear the words of a false god!
    Ba'al: (normal voice) The whole god issue. Maybe we did take it a little too far, but can you blame us? We have you strength, vitality, long life... I know you don't quite see it that way, but no matter. It's all in the past now. (pauses) Come now, Teal'c. We're smart enough to know we're not actually gods, well, some of us are. Anyway, there are always those who begin to believe their own propaganda. I suppose all you need is enough people to worship you and then what's the difference? You're pretty much a god by definition, are you not? So is the case with the Ori. Granted, they do seem to have some very interesting powers to back up their claims. I've seen what happens those who resist. They are a formidable enemy.
    Ferguson: My God, you are going to other planets through a freaking wormhole! You have to be a little nuts.

### Ethon [9.15]

    Jared Kane: Do you ever give up?
    Dr. Jackson: Not till I'm dead. [Pause] And sometimes not even then.

### Off the Grid [9.16]

    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I have no intention of taking anyone on. I'm just going to pose as a buyer.
    Dr. Jackson: You?
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well, no offense, Jackson, but you do not strike me as the drug dealer type. In fact, you're not even close.
    Dr. Jackson: [in disbelief] I think I'm as close as you are!
    Lt. Colonel Carter: [to Mitchell] Come on! You're miles away.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Teal'c, which one of us is closer?
    Teal'c: I believe the three of you to be equidistant.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [gesturing toward Carter] Oh, please! Mary Poppins is not even in the running.
    Lt. Colonel Carter: Hey!
    Worrel: Oh its far worse for you, I no longer have any reason to keep you alive.
    Dr. Jackson: No, wait! I-I-I can think of a reason.
    Lt. Colonel Carter:[after an awkward pause, looks to Jackson] We're more valuable alive.
    Dr. Jackson: ah. Yes! We're more valuable alive. Good one.
    Lt. Colonel Carter: [silently] Yeah.
    Worrel: [sarcastically] So, you were done slaying system lords and decided to move on to more pressing agricultural concerns?
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: That's exactly it. Corn patrol.
    Walter:How did you plant the beacon on Nerus?
    Landry:It was a piece of cake.
    [Nerus arrives on Ba'al's mothership]
    Nerus: How nice! You came to greet me in person! Oh! Oh! I have this fabulous innovation I want you to... It's—it's called a cupcake. Oh, it's so good—
    Ba'al: Why have you returned?
    Nerus: My old friend, you wound me deeply.
    Ba'al: I'm capable of wounding you much more deeply.
    Ba'al: If you wish to return to my court, Nerus, you will have to prove yourself.
    Nerus: How?
    Ba'al: Find me planets suitable for my new empire. I am ready to begin anew.
    Nerus: Well, first I must recover from my...
    [three of Ba'al's clones walk by]
    Nerus: ...harrowing... ordeal...
    Ba'al: It would be wise not to defy me, Nerus. Things have changed considerably since you left.
    [Ba'al casually has Nerus at gunpoint with a Staff weapon after he inadvertantly uploads a virus onto the ship's computer]
    Nerus: But I'm so interesting!
    General Landry: An eventful few days. Debrief in one hour.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: We have got the best jobs in the world, don't we?
    Lt. Colonel Carter: I'm gonna hit the shower.
    Dr. Jackson: I'm gonna find the doctor.
    Teal'c: We are indeed suitably employed.

### The Scourge [9.17]

    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: All right, let's move out. Those ancient ruins aren't going to explore themselves.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Sir, I don't mean to gripe.
    General Landry: Permission to gripe granted.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: We're being put on babysitting duty?
    General Landry: Don't underestimate the importance of this mission. This is the IOA. These people carry a lot of influence with the Stargate Program. How it's run, how it's funded. You should feel honored! Just, uh, don't keep them up past ten. And remember to read them a bedtime story before tucking them in for the night.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I'm telling you, today it's escorting foreign delegates on off-world tours, tomorrow it's comic book conventions and supermarket openings.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Hey look, I don't want to argue about this. I'm right, we'll leave it at that.
    Dr. Jackson: [sarcastic] Compelling argument. Teal'c, what do you think?
    Teal'c: I think I should have remained with the tour.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: When we get back, I'm going to help you find your own place.
    Teal'c: That will be unnecessary.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Dude, what are friends for?
    Teal'c: For listening when they are told that will be unnecessary.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: You know what? Sit here. You cover our six. But stay alert. You'll hear the bugs coming, but the tree ferrets give no warning.

### Arthur's Mantle [9.18]

    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: That was alternate reality. This is alternate dimension. Hell, all I need is a good time-travel adventure, and I've scored the SG-1 trifecta.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Volnek! Where are you, homeboy? Come on out and show me some of those monster moves!
    Hadden: We just plant two of them opposite each other, and run a trip wire right through the middle. Then all we gotta do is lure him in.
    Reynolds: Piece of cake. While we're at it, maybe we can teach him how to speak Japanese.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [whining to Carter about how he can't eat lunch, being out of phase] Roast beef. The one time I can't eat and they serve roast beef.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [shouting at mess chef who can't hear him] Do you know how many times I've requested roast beef?!
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [to Carter] This is torture.

### Crusade [9.19]

    [Vala has taken over Daniel Jackson's body]
    Vala: It's funny, isn't it? Daniel always wanted to get in my pants, and now I'm in his.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Oh, that's not funny.
    Vala: Hmm?
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: He can't defend himself.
    Vala: I did my best to blend in. At first according to Tomin and therefore as far as the villagers were concerned I was the woman who fell from the sky which made me feel kind of special. I later learned that they always suspected I’d escaped from another village as a result of some scandal and then I started to feel much more like I’m used to.
    Vala: The village was run by this complete bear of a man named Seevis, who was both barkeep and administrator which seemed the oddest contradiction. He claimed to be the most pious man in the village. If anyone strayed from the path of righteousness, it was Seevis who made sure you were severely punished for it. But seems to be a lot more leeway for sin in the religion of Origin than one would presume from all the preaching.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: So it’s just like my grandma used to say. No point going to confession if you ain’t got nothing to confess.
    Vala: Exactly.
    Teal'c: You stated you had information of great importance.
    Vala: I do, I do. And I'm getting there.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: We get the back story. Tomin is a nice guy, Seevis is a butthead. How about you skip ahead a little?
    Vala: Okay. Tomin and I got married—
    Lt. Colonel Carter: Whoa, married?
    Vala: Stay with me. I had no choice. I told you, he was very devout, and there's no way he would have slept with me out of wedlock.
    [awkward pause]
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Okay, maybe we skipped ahead a little too far.
    Vala: Well, I tried to lay it out in order...Ooh, that's a bad choice of words.
    Teal'c: You have been impregnated, without copulation.
    Vala: Yes! And I'm absolutely terrified - have any of you ever heard anything like it?
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: W-Well.. there is one.
    Teal'c: Darth Vader.
    Vala: Really? How did that turn out?
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well, actually, I was thinking about King Arthur.
    Vala: So, this girl in the bar. Her name was Denya, and we struck up a bit of a friendship. By the looks on your faces, I can see you're not surprised I had more in common with the village harlot than I did with any of the ladies from the local knitting circle.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Don't know what you're talking about.
    Vala: At least she was honest.

### Camelot [9.20]

    [regarding the anti-Ori weapon]
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Hey, has anyone stopped to figure out how this thing might work? I mean, how do you kill something that's pure energy?
    Dr. Jackson: Well, Merlin's research said nothing about killing. A more accurate translation would be "neutralize" or "cancel out".
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well, that still begs a lot of questions. How do you aim at something you can't see?
    Dr. Jackson: Clearly, it can't be a weapon in the conventional sense. See, ascended beings transcend ordinary space time as we know it. This device would have to do the same thing.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: In other words, you have no idea what it might be.
    Dr. Jackson: Yeah, pretty much.
    [SG-1 is looking around at the village]
    Lt. Colonel Carter: This sure looks like the place where Merlin might have lived.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: There could be dozens of villages in the area, just like this one. There is no way to be sure.
    Dr. Jackson: Well... there is that... [points to a sword in a stone]
    Dr. Jackson: This is interesting. It's a reference to Merlin's prophetic abilities. There's a similar myth on Earth. That Merlin could see the future because he actually aged backwards in time. It's not meant to be taken literally, but we have seen a lot of legends and folklore have a strong basis in fact -- Avalon, Atlantis.
    Teal'c: The Easter bunny.
    Dr. Jackson: I guess there's a few exceptions.
    [Daniel drops a book on the floor to wake a snoozing Mitchell]
    Dr. Jackson: [sarcastically] Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: No, I wasn't sleeping. Was Kel'no'reem-ing. Teal'c taught me the fundamentals.
    Dr. Jackson: Did he mention you should remain conscious in the process?
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Yeah, I'm still working on the basics.
    Dr. Jackson: Uh oh.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: What's "uh oh"?
    Dr. Jackson: Nothing happened.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
    [there is a scream off screen]
    Jackson & Mitchell: Bad.
    Merlin: Greetings, friend. I am Merlin. The prize you seek, like the pendulum's swing, marks the passage of all that is before you.
    Dr. Jackson: [holding up a book] Do you recognize this?
    Meurik: It is Sangraal.
    Dr. Jackson: This is the Sangraal?
    Meurik: It is also known as the Blood Stone.
    Dr. Jackson: Of course. Sang. Blood. Blood red for the color of the jewel.
    Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. We're talking about the Holy Grail, right? Every movie I've seen, that's a cup.
    Dr. Jackson: You are making a mistake. There is no curse. The black knight is a security feature created by Merlin through the use of science and advanced technology. There is no magic— [the Odyssey beams up SG-1]
    [later]
    Dr. Jackson: Once and for all: There was no curse. This is a device. There is no magic— [the Korolev beams him up]
    Dr. Jackson: Boy, my timing's off today...