# Angel (season 4)

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Angel (1999–2004) was an American TV show, created by Joss Whedon and David Greenwalt and airing on The WB, about the ongoing trials of Angel, a vampire whose human soul was restored to him by gypsies as a punishment for the murder of one of their own. After more than a century of murder and the torture of innocents, Angel's restored soul torments him with guilt and remorse. It was a spinoff of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

### Deep Down

    Lorne: Back in Pylea, they used to call me 'sweet potato'.
    Connor: Really?
    Lorne: Yeah, well, the exact translation was 'fragrant tuber', but...
    Wesley: To family.
    Angel: To family.
    Lorne: As long as it's not mine.
    [Wesley steers a small ship across the dark ocean.]
    Justine: So, what's it gonna be tonight, captain? Bicycle, old tire, or maybe we'll get real lucky and catch us nice shopping cart. Here's a wacky thought: why don't you swim down there yourself?
    [Wesley flips a switch and looks down at a readout.]
    Wesley: No contact. We'll try the next grid.
    [He walks over to the map laid out on the table and makes some markings.]
    Justine: You really think finding Angel is going to change anything?
    Wesley: Everything changes.
    Justine: Well, I guess anything is better than sitting around in my cage all day with nothing to do but to fill my bucket.
    Wesley: Perhaps you should have considered that before slitting my throat.
    [He walks back to the steering wheel.]
    Justine: The great Wesley Wyndham-Price, the shining beacon of all that's good and pure. But wait, no! That's before he started banging the enemy and keeping slave-girl in his closet.
    Wesley: You were always a slave, Justine. You just couldn't see the chains.
    Justine: Thanks, Swami, I'll meditate on that.
    Wesley: You think she would be disappointed?
    Justine: Who?
    Wesley: Your sister. That's where it all began, isn't it? Sister murdered by a vampire, consumed by a need of revenge...
    Justine: For justice!
    Wesley: Is that what you call it? Turning a son against his father.
    Justine: Angel got what he deserved.
    Wesley: We all get what we deserve. You and Holtz deserved each other. You two have so much in common. Pain, loss, deep seated lack of anything approaching humor.
    Justine: I don't know. We had a few laughs. Getting you to steal Angel's baby, now that was a good one.
    Wesley: Better than tricking Connor into sinking his father to the bottom of the ocean?
    Justine: Well, that was worth a couple of yuks, too.
    Wesley: Not much of a plan though, was it, really? Easy to figure out which door to kick in when Angel went missing. And not much harder to persuade you to betray everything Holtz had given his life for. Not that it was worth very much. Well, you should know. You're the one that ended it.
    [Justine picks up the wrench that was holding down the maps and hauls back to hit the back of Wesley's head.]
    Wesley: [Without turning to look] I'll take away your bucket.
    [Justine tosses the wrench back on the table.]
    Fred: Marissa, stop. We just wanna talk.
    Marissa: I don't know anything.
    Gunn: You psychic?
    Marissa: No.
    Gunn: Then shut up and let us ask the question first.
    Gunn: If he ain't dead, I'm gonna kill him!!
    Angel: Life should be beautiful and bright but no matter how hard I try, everything I touch turns to ashes.
    Angel: Sit down.
    Connor: You're too weak to take me.
    Angel: You really think that?
    [Connor looks at Angel for another moment, then turns, picks up the chair, slams it down on the floor, and sits facing Angel. Gunn begins to stir and sit up. Angel lowers himself into a chair across from Connor with a slight sigh.]
    Angel: So, how was your summer? Mine was fun. Saw some fish, went mad with hunger, hallucinated a whole bunch.
    Connor: You deserved worse.
    Angel: Because I killed Holtz, except I didn't. I tried telling you that while you were busy offshore dumping me, but I didn't know the whole score. Holtz killed himself. Actually he had your buddy Justine do it with an ice pick. Just to make you hate me.
    Connor: Even if, you still deserved it.
    Angel: What I deserve is open to debate. But understand there is a difference between wishing vengeance on someone and taking it. So now the questions becomes: what do you deserve?
    [Connor suddenly jumps up from his chair and runs for the door, but Angel intercepts him, tossing him against the wall.]
    Angel: Daddy's not finished talking.
    [He crouches down next to where Connor sits, scrunched up against the wall.]
    Angel: Wesley told me everything that's been going on. So, as far as I'm concerned what you deserve rests on one answer: [Angel leans in closer.] Did you do something to Cordelia?
    Connor: No.
    Fred: He's lying.
    Connor: No, I'm not!
    Gunn: No way she just happened to disappear the same night.
    Connor: I'm telling the truth, okay?
    Angel: I know. You've done enough lying for me to know the difference. The truth has a better sound to it, less nasal, you know? Get up. [Connor stands up.] I can tell. What you did to me… was unbelievable, Connor. But then, I got stuck in a hell dimension by my girlfriend one time for a hundred years, so three months under the ocean actually gave me perspective. Kind of a M. C. Escher perspective — but I did get time to think. About us, about the world. Nothing in the world is the way it ought to be. It's harsh, and cruel. But that's why there's us. Champions. It doesn't matter where we come from, what we've done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be. You're not a part of that yet. I hope you will be. I love you, Connor. Now get out of my house.
    [Angel sways on his feet then leans against the wall. Fed and Gunn run over to him.]
    Fred: Angel!
    Angel: All that talking really takes it out of you.
    Fred: You need rest.
    Angel: I need Cordy, now. Wherever she is, whatever she's going through, we have to find her. [panning out to the sky]
    Cordelia: [glowing among other higher beings] God, I am so bored.

### Ground State

    Wesley: I don't need to hear your evil plans.
    Lilah: No, it just turns you on, knowing I have them.
    Wesley: Shut up, Lilah.
    Lilah: Make me.
    [Angel and Gunn are using a rope to climb up the side of a building.]
    Gunn: Damn! This is so much harder than it looks on Batman.
    Angel: Who are you?
    Gwen: Who are you?
    Angel: I asked you first.
    Gwen: What are you, seven?
    Angel: Tell me you're not here for the Axis.
    Gwen: I'm not here for the Axis.
    Angel: You're lying.
    Gwen: I'm fibbing. It's lying, only classier.
    Lilah: Look, Angel, I know you've been out of the loop for a while, but I'm still evil. I don't do errands. Unless they're evil errands.
    Angel: I think you'll do this one.
    Lilah: Why? What's in it for me?
    Angel: Just this once, I'll ignore the fact that you're within 50 yards of my son. Just this once.

### The House Always Wins

    Cordelia: Oh my god? You can hear me? I so love you.
    [ Lorne is the headline act at a Las Vegas casino.]
    Gunn: Nobody seems to be bothered by the fact that he's a demon.
    Fred: They must think it's all makeup, like the Blue Man Group. You don't think… the Blue Man Group…
    Angel: Only two of them.
    Lorne: Fluffy. Fluffy the dog. The dog you don't have. The universally recognized code for "I'm being held prisoner. Send help!"
    Angel: This place was so much friendlier when the mob ran it.

### Slouching Toward Bethlehem

    Cordelia: Was I a nun?
    Angel: A what?
    Cordelia: Were we not a happy family because I was a nun? [reaches over to a box next to her] I was going through my stuff [grabs a handful of rosaries] and I found all these—
    [Cordelia puts numerous rosaries adorned with crucifixes in Angel's hands, causing him to vamp out uncontrollably.]
    Cordelia: That's everything? It all makes perfect sense now. I was a cheerleader, a princess and a warrior. And I have visions and super powers and I'm the target of an evil law firm because I've spent the last three months living on a higher plane, fighting for the forces of good, who wage a battle against demons and evilies and squishy bug babies, 'cause all that stuff's real and that's the world I live in. And-and I think I know why I don't remember any of this 'cause, hey, who'd want to!
    Lorne: Um, [offers his glass to her] sea breeze?
    Angel: I know it's a lot to take in.
    Cordelia: Says the vampire with a soul and his wacky gang of sidekicks.
    Gunn: [raises his hand] Um, not a sidekick.
    [Wesley and Lilah are laying in bed, sleepily chatting.]
    Wesley: So Angel knows about our relationship. Big deal.
    Lilah: A dollar! You owe me a dollar!
    Wesley: Oh, damn!
    Lilah: You called this a 'relationship'. [sing-song voice] You lost the be-et. You said it fir-irst. [Wesley hands her a dollar] Sign it first, as proof.
    Wesley: Proof of what?
    Lilah: Of now. Of this. [she nuzzles his nose; they kiss]
    Angel: What if Wolfram and Hart came back? What if there were hundreds of those things? What if this is the way it starts? I mean, the slouching and the Bethlehem. And they've taken her because of what she knows—even if she can't remember she knows it.
    Fred: Have you been caffeinating your blood again, or is there something you're not telling us?
    Fred: Is that why you ran out while Cordelia was singing?
    Lorne: Well, "A", I wasn't running, I was fleeing. And, "B", yes.
    Gunn: Well, how horrible is this thing?
    Lorne: Well, I haven't read the Book of Revelations lately, but, if I was searching for adjectives, I'd probably start there.
    Fred: Was that all you saw?
    Lorne: That was the tip of the 'berg, pumpkin nut. What I got from Cordy was dense. A big, fat, tummy-clinching onion from hell. The more layers you peel, the more you cry. Or vomit, in this case.

### Supersymmetry

    [Lilah has just arrived at Wesley's apartment with a present.]
    Wesley: Well, look, a bribe. How thoughtful. Oh, wait, can't be a bribe. Must be a setup.
    Fred: I'm between Ed Whitten and Brian Greene!
    [Angel and Gunn look bemused]
    Fred: Think Nomar Garciaparra and Sammy Sosa.
    [Gunn whistles]
    Angel: Looks like Fred skipped the Minors and went straight to the show...
    [rips the roof off Lilah's convertible]
    Angel: That's cool. The top just comes right off.
    Lilah: You know Angel, coming from you, idle threats are so, well, idle.
    Angel: You remember when I ripped your car in half?
    Lilah: Yeah, yeah. Hulk smash.
    Angel: They talk about me in the chatty rooms?
    Fred: You know what they say about payback? Well I'm the bitch.

### Spin the Bottle

    [Gunn tries to understand the grim changes in Wesley.]
    Gunn: What happened to you, man?
    Wesley: I had my throat slit and all my friends abandoned me.
    Cordelia: OK. What the hell is goin' on here?
    Wesley: What's your name?
    Cordelia: I'm Cordelia Chase, dumbass. And if this is some sort of sophomore hazing prank where I get doped up and left with a bunch of proto-losers, then my parents are gonna be suing the entire population of Sunnydale. Comprendez?
    Cordelia: [seeing Angel for the first time.] Hello, salty goodness!
    Cordelia: [walks up to angel] So, we've heard from the socially handi-capable. What's your story?
    Angel: Mad [stands] You're all mad. These clothes. Your speech. This place. What land is this?
    Gunn: What land is it supposed to be?
    Wesley:Yes, where do you hail from, friend?
    Angel: I'm not your friend, you English pig. We never wanted you in Ireland. We don't want you now.
    Wesley: Well, what's your name?
    Angel: Liam [concerned, holds his throat again]
    Cordelia:Great. We've all got names. [walks toward the door] Bye, now.
    Wesley: Perhaps the whole point of this experiment is hair!
    Gunn: I vote he's not in charge.
    Lorne: In the meanwhile, guess what I'm doing for fun.
    [Cut to Wesley duct-taping Lorne to the lobby bench while Gunn and Cordelia look on.]
    Gunn: I say we cut his head off.
    Wesley: He may have information we need. When he wakes up—
    Gunn: When he wakes up, we don't even know if this tape is gonna hold him. I say we cut his damn head off.
    Wesley: Thank you very much, Marie Antionette.
    Gunn: What'd you call me?
    Cordelia: Hey! Hey, you two want to stop the homo-erotic buddy cop session long enough to explain this?
    [Wesley and Gunn are wrestling.]
    Cordelia: [to Angel] Are you going to stop this?
    Angel: High time the English got what's coming to 'em. I'm rooting for the slave!
    Angel: [hears the radio, and goes in the room to investigate] Minstrels.
    [Angel pokes at the radio with his sword, looking at the box with interest. Cordelia presses the power button.]
    Angel: How did—? You stopped the tiny men from singing.
    Cordelia: You really are far from home, aren't you?
    Angel: I'm invisible.
    Cordelia: No you're not.
    Wesley: The cross obviously doesn't affect me, or our friend the pugilist.
    Gunn: Oh, your ass better pray I don't look that word up.
    Connor: You happy now?
    Angel: I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be attacked. I didn't ask to be a freak. Hell, I didn't even ask to be born.
    Angel: Cordelia? Were we in love?
    Cordelia: We were.

### Apocalypse, Nowish

    [Lilah is sitting on Wesley's table, dressed up as Fred.]
    Lilah, as Fred: Forget about that evil witch. Let's talk about me. I'm good, and pure, and science turns me on, and one day, if I pray hard enough and eat all my vegetables, I just might have hips!
    Wesley: Are you finished?
    Lilah: Did it turn you on? Watching her up there in front of all those braniacs knowing she was the smartest one in the room?
    Wesley: Her theories deserve attention.
    Lilah: Just her theories? I saw the way you looked at her. Oh, come on. Do you think I care about your little crush? Moon all you want of the Texas twig 'cause I know whose bed you'll be crawling into at the end of the day. Or the middle of it.
    Wesley: You think you know me?
    Lilah: Better than she ever will.
    Lilah: You're not getting anything out of me this time either.
    Angel: Didn't think I would. But Gavin, he was more accommodating. [gesturing to a bound and gagged Gavin]
    Lilah: [chuckles quietly] Couldn't you have at least tortured him a little bit more?
    Angel: I really wanted to, but he wouldn't stop talking long enough for me to get into it.
    Lilah: I have a cure for that.
    Angel: Vindict on your own time. I'm kinda on the clock here.
    Angel: The enemy of my enemy...
    Lilah: Can kiss my ass too.
    Lorne: I hate to be a the little demon that cried "Apocalypse Nowish"...

### Habeas Corpses

    Wesley: There is a line, Lilah. Black and white, good and evil.
    Lilah: Funny thing about black and white — you mix it together and you get gray. And it doesn't matter how much white you try and put back in, you're never gonna get anything but gray. And I don't see your Texas gal-pal wearing that color. Come to think of it, she prefers black.
    Wesley: [hearing screams] What's that?
    Lilah: Oh, it's the fat lady singing.
    Connor: What's a zombie?
    Angel: It's an undead thing.
    Connor: Like you?
    Angel: No, zombies are slow-moving, dimwitted things that crave human flesh.
    Connor: Like you.
    Cordelia: I'm just glad that everyone's safe and together again.
    Angel: Me too. Now take your new boyfriend and get the hell out of here.
    Cordelia: [whispers] Oh God!

### Long Day's Journey

    Gwen: Demon, okay? The whole nine: cloven feet and horns and teeth and… he wasn't wearing lamé, though.
    Lorne: Yeah, the evil ones can't pull it off. It gets camp.
    Gwen: Jeez. Where were you when they taught stealth in superpower school?
    Angel: What are you doing here?
    Manny: Standing in the remains of my fallen brethren trying not to have an anxiety attack. Who are you two?
    Angel: I'm Angel. That's Gwen. You got a name?
    Manny: I am Manjet. Sacred guardian of the Shen, keeper of the Orb of Ma'at, and devotee of light. Off hours I like Manny.
    Manny: Look, it's probably just a few hours 'til this guy catches up with me. I want to spend my last moments with my oldest, dearest friends down at the, uh, Pink Pony Lounge. [leers at Gwen] I'll buy you a lap dance if I can watch.
    Angel: Forget that. We can take you someplace safe, Manny. We can protect you.
    Manny: Right, Superhunk and Spandexia. This thing takes out Mesektet, and you two are going to protect me?
    Angel: I don't see anyone else lined up for the job.
    Manny: You think she'd give me a lap dance?
    Wesley: As far as evil plans go, it doesn't suck.
    Wesley: There's only one way we're going to defeat this Beast. We need Angelus.

### Awakening

    The Beast: We could rule this world. Why do you oppose me?
    Angel: Rain of fire. Blocking out the sun. And you just kinda piss me off.
    Angel: Easy. . . Easy. . .
    Cordelia: What are those? Holiday decorations left over from some. . . S&M bondage party?
    Angel: [Angel sets off a bell and wooden spikes close together] Wood. Why did it have to be wood?
    Wesley: We have to pass through the corridor without ringing any of the bells.
    Cordelia: [sighs; looks down at her chest] I knew you two would get me in trouble some day.
    Cordelia: We just gotta find a way to bring back the sun.
    Fred: Working on it. Failing miserably, but working on it.
    [Angel has reluctantly agreed to release Angelus]
    Angel: We're gonna need a cage.
    Lorne: Cage?
    Angel: A strong one. About ten-by-twelve, steel reinforced. Two inch bars, maybe three. I'll make some calls.
    Gunn: What, he thinks something like that's going to hold the Beast?
    Wesley: It's not for the Beast. It's for him.
    [Angel is preparing to have his soul removed]
    Angel: Connor, I know you like to think of me as the enemy. If this works, I will be. I'm going to become the one thing you were raised to believe I was. The thing I never, ever, wanted you to see.

### Soulless

    Angelus: [singing] If you go into the woods tonight, you won't believe your eyes. If you go into the woods tonight, you're in for a big surprise...
    Angelus: You've got no leverage. What are you going to do? Kill me?
    Wesley: If I have to.
    Angelus: (laughing) Wait til they drop, Wes. Then try that line again.
    [Connor walks up to the cage where Angelus is sitting on the floor in a dark corner. Connor just glares at Angelus.]
    Connor: Everyone's afraid of you.
    Angelus: Is that my shirt?
    Connor: Not anymore.
    Angelus: Looks good on you, son.
    Connor: [smirks] So did Cordy.
    Angelus: She looks good on everybody.
    Connor: Angel warned me about you. Said I should remember you're not my real father.
    Angelus: Yeah, that was a nice speech. Touching. I think it ended with you promising to kill me.
    Connor: I remember.
    Angelus: Kind of unnecessary, don't you think? I mean, with your track-record, I'll be staking myself by the end of the day.
    Connor: It's fine by me.
    Angelus: Darla felt the same way. It made her sick, you squirming inside her. So, she jammed a stake in her own heart, just so she wouldn't have to hear your first whiny breath.
    Connor: You don't know anything.
    Angelus: Then there was Holtz. It disappointed him so much that he stabbed himself in the neck.
    Connor: My fa...Holtz was a good man. All he ever wanted was for you to get the punishment you deserve. And you will.
    Angelus: When you think about it, the first woman you boned is the closest thing you've ever had to a mother. (gasps) Screwing your mom and trying to kill your dad. Hmm...there should be a play.
    Connor: You think I care what you say? Angel told me how you'd try to hurt me, how you aren't my real dad, just some animal in a cage. Angel's my dad.
    Angelus: I'm gonna cry.
    Connor: That's what he told me. And he thought I believed him. The truth is, Angel's just something that you're forced to wear. You're my real father.
    Angelus: Ooh, yeah, let's talk about Cordy. Now there's a rack to write home about. Too bad about that personality, though... yap, yap, yap...
    Wesley: I've imagined this moment many times. I've read everything ever written about you.
    Angelus: Stop, I'm blushing.
    Wesley: To be one-on-one with the legendary Angelus. As a former watcher, it's a high point.
    Angelus: Buttering me up. Getting me all relaxed, hm? Not the most innovative interrogation technique, but... OK, I'll play.
    Wesley: Is it a game?
    Angelus: Hey, open book. Anything you want to know. How sweet that virgin gypsy tasted. The special smell of a newborn's neck. My first nun--now that's a great story.
    Wesley: We could start there.
    Angelus: Don't be coy, Wes. You're just dying to know about the big Beastie. Fire away.
    Wesley: All right. Did you know the Beast?
    Angelus: Well, now that's a question. Not a great question. Not even an insightful question. Not a Wyndham-Pryce-worthy question.
    [Lorne, Gunn, Fred, and Cordelia are watching Wesley and Angelus on the monitor set up on the front desk.]
    Angelus: [on monitor] Come on, Wes. Not like your schoolgirl crush is a secret.
    Fred: Charles, remember, we can't believe anything Angelus says.
    Gunn: How 'bout the stuff that's true? Can we believe that?
    Cordelia: He distorts everything. He lies with the truth. It's part of what makes him so dangerous.
    Lorne: Yeah, don't let him get to you, kiwi.
    Gunn: He's not the only one that's gettin'.
    Fred: Charles...
    Gunn: I know. I know.
    Fred: It's just words.
    Wesley: [on monitor] You've found a vulnerability, exploited it. Well done. Can we move on now?
    Angelus: I'm just getting started.
    Angelus: [on monitor] Which do you think is worse, Wes? Stealing my kid like you did, or banging him, like Cordelia.
    [Fred looks at Cordelia then at Gunn, Lorne shakes his head, Cordelia just stares at the monitor deadpan.]
    Angelus: All that bumping and grinding. Fire raining in the sky. Quite a picture. Well, more of a snapshot, 'cause Connor...
    Fred: Now, that's just ridiculous. Connor's Angel's son. It'd be like sleeping with your own...
    [Lorne gestures that she stop.]
    Fred: Oh.
    Angelus: [on monitor] At least you thought you were doing the right thing. Hey, who's a guy gotta kill to get a drink around here?
    [Fred and Gunn walk down the stairs with blood for Angelus. Gunn's carrying a crossbow.]
    Angelus: Othello and Desdemona. My favorite couple. Oh, wait, Desdemona wasn't in love with the other guy. So much for stand by your man. Then again, you probably like her on her knees.
    Gunn: Keep talking. I'll sweep out the cage when I'm done.
    Angelus: Oh. Provocative. Get me all riled up. You think that's what your boss would want?
    Gunn: Don't have a boss.
    Angelus: You might want to tell Wesley that. Ah, Fred. You look all fresh and sweet, but I hear you at night in your room with Gunn. The things you say. I'm lying there, listening, hands under the covers... I can't help myself. It's so... gripping.
    Gunn: This coming from a guy who can't get any. Ever.
    Fred: You're a pig.
    Gunn: Step back.
    [Angelus steps back, and Fred pushes the cart up to the bars. She stands there, holding the cart, waiting for Angelus to take the glass of blood. He picks up the glass, eyeing Fred who won't even look at him. When she finally meets his gaze, he kicks the cart forward, causing Fred to fall forward on it where he can reach her. He pulls her up, her back toward him, and puts his arm around her neck.]
    Angelus: Might get some now. I like the way you move, Fred. Do it just a little to the left.
    Fred: Charles...
    Gunn: Get off her!
    Angelus: Come on, Charles, save her! Come on! Save, her Charles!
    [Angelus is interrupted when he's hit in the arm with a tranquilizer dart shot by Wesley, who's standing on the stairs. Angelus's grip loosens and Fred steps away from the bars into Gunn's waiting arms. Wesley shoots Angelus again, in the chest this time. Angelus looks at the dart, then collapses backwards.]
    Cordelia: You and I are gonna make a deal.
    Angelus: Tough. Did you practice that in front of the mirror a few times? Lemme guess. You want to know about the Beast.
    Cordelia: Everything you know.
    Angelus: Oh. And in return, I get what? (paces) Wouldn't mind a car. I hear the new Mustang is nice.
    Cordelia: Something better.
    Angelus: What's a better ride than a Mustang?
    Cordelia: Me.
    Angelus: You?
    Cordelia: That's the offer. No more stalling, no more games. You tell us what you know, you get me.
    Angelus: Must be some confusion. You took out the soul. Still have the brain.
    Cordelia: Then use it. The Beast, the darkness,the world is falling apart. We're out of time, we're out of ideas. You're the end of the line.
    Angelus: Wes was better at buttering me up.
    Cordelia: You know what it means to be a champion.
    Angelus: I'm trying so hard to forget.
    Cordelia: Sometimes a sacrifice needs to be made.
    Angelus: And you're the little lamb. Not that there aren't a few things I wouldn't mind doing to that body. Other than the obvious.
    Cordelia: Tell us about the Beast, and you can do whatever you want.
    Angelus: You're lying.
    Cordelia: Look in my eyes. Angel knows me. You know me. Better than anyone. So, when you look at me, you know I'm not lying.
    Angelus: Here I thought you'd be halfway to Georgia by now.
    Cordelia: I told you I'd be back. I'm back.
    Angelus: How'd the little field trip turn out? Priestesses still feisty?
    Cordelia: We found a little boy, his sister, mom, dad, grandma. All dead.
    Angelus: Oh, God! I'm always missing the fun stuff.
    Cordelia: The Beast butchered them.
    Angelus: So? Did you bring me back a souvenir? Maybe a stray baby toe? (chuckles, stands) Come on, Cordy. Where's your sense of humor?
    Cordelia: Guess I lost it.
    Angelus: Well, don't blame me for our little debacle. I told you everything I know.
    Cordelia: Too late.
    Angelus: And who's fault is that? Doesn't matter. I showed you mine. Now it's time to show me yours.
    Cordelia: The deal was: you give us information, we save the world, you get me. Well, world not saved.
    Angelus: You're not thinking I'm just gonna let this go?
    Cordelia: Not seeing a whole lot of other options. With the big steel cage and all.
    Angelus: Won't be in here forever.
    Cordelia: 'Bout another hour. Forgot to tell you the best part. We're putting your soul back.
    Angelus: Not gonna happen.
    Cordelia: Oh, but it is. Just in time for the primo apocalypse that's coming. Too bad. I know how you love those.
    Angelus: Been looking forward to it all day. Still am.
    Cordelia: Thing is, you're never coming back. Angel's going to make sure of that.
    Angelus: We'll see.
    Cordelia: What you don't get, Angelus, is that you're nobody. Just a disease. And Angel can't wait to be rid of you.
    Angelus: I think I'll start with the twins. I just love a woman with nice ripe thighs.
    [He suddenly reaches out to grab Cordelia, but misses her by less than an inch. Cordelia doesn't even flinch.]
    Cordelia: Not even close.
    [Cordelia smirks and walks away]
    Angelus: The more you piss me off, the longer I'll keep you alive. Oh, something tells me she's a screamer.
    Cordelia: OK, let's...
    [She notices the look of shock on everyone's face.]
    Cordelia: What?
    Fred: Angel's soul. It's gone.

### Calvary

    [A guard flies through the door and lands in a heap.]
    Shaman: Must acquire better guards.
    Gunn: Now, instead of just worryin' about big bad rock-eater, we got Darth Vampire livin' in the basement.
    Lilah: I just — I just want my life back. All my pretty things. I'm selfish that way. That's why we wouldn't have worked out.
    Wesley: [softly] There are many reasons why we wouldn't have worked out, Lilah.
    Angelus: Look at yourself, Lilah. All these years, wanting to see me. You couldn't run a comb through your hair, maybe slap on a little lipstick? Evil doesn't have to mean sloppy.
    Lilah: You wanna kill the Beast and give his boss a run for his evil? The answer is downstairs in a cage. Set Angelus on it.
    Cordelia: Do you know what Angelus would do if we let him out?
    Lilah: Kill you all in a bloody shower of violence, but hey! Greater good!
    Lilah: He's gonna kill us.
    Cordelia: I know. (stabs Lilah to death) Why'd you think I let him out, you stupid bitch?

### Salvage

    Faith: They told me my lawyer was here to see me. You my lawyer now, Wes?
    Wesley: Hello, Faith. How are you?
    Faith: Still alive. Never though I'd live long enough to see you paying me a visit.
    Wesley: A lot's happened.
    Faith: Whatever it is suits you. I mean, you're looking good.
    Wesley: You know what's going on in L.A.
    Faith: Seen the news, sure. Never-ending night, rain of fire. Team Angel must really have their hands full.
    Wesley: You don't know the half of it.
    Faith: But you're here to fill in the blanks for me. Why?
    Wesley: We need you.
    Faith: Well, uh, hate to wet the paper for you, Wes, but I'm kinda unavailable right now. Maybe you wanna check back in a few decades when my parole comes up.
    Wesley: You need to know--
    Faith: It's Armageddon again. I dig. Last thing you need is me in the mix. Besides, Angel comes shining through in the end like he always does.
    Wesley: Angel's gone, Faith. Angelus is back.
    [long pause]
    Faith: Step away from the glass.
    [After jumping from a 3-story window and smashing a car rooftop]
    Faith: You okay?
    Wesley: Five by five.
    Faith: I'm not gonna kill him, Wesley. Angelus. Don't care what you thought you sprung me for, Angel's the only one in my life that never gave up on me. There's no way I'm giving up on...
    Wesley: I know. That's why it had to be you.
    Wesley: Feel natural?
    Faith: Eh, it's like riding a biker.
    Faith: He'll do what I tell him.
    Connor: (sarcastically) Yeah, sure I will.
    Faith: (after an exchange of blows) I get it, you're a super-being. (another flurry ensues ending with Faith's crossbow at Connor's throat) Are you a murderer? Cause I am. And if it comes down to you or Angelus, you haven't shown me a thing to want to take your side. (Connor reluctantly leaves)
    Gunn: I like her.
    Wesley: How do you expect to find Angelus without Connor?
    Faith: The old-fashioned way. Kid's not the only tracker. Something'll turn up. Trail of bodies. A telltale clue.
    [sees a big sign that says "Welcome Faith"]
    Faith: Maybe a carpet fiber.
    Angelus: Ugh, crap. You mean killing the beast really does bring back the sun? Thought that was Angel's retarded fantasy. Oh well, what are you gonna do? Take the bad with the good, I always say. Anyhow, I just wanted beasty boy here to soften you up. I like mine nice and tender.

### Release

    Angelus: Rah rah! Good over evil! Do what must be done! Hang in there, kitten, it's almost Friday!
    Waitress: Compliments of the lady.
    [Gestures to a lady at the bar who raises her glass toward Angelus, wholooks at the lady at the bar, then back to his friends .]
    Angelus: Yeah, as if. Anyway, I couldn't believe how easy it was luring the slayer into my little welcome home from prison party.
    Vampire1: Wish I could have been there when she saw the Beast.
    Angelus: The guy wasn't gonna win any personality contests, but he put on a good show. Slapped her around real nice.
    Vampire2: Like a little bunny?
    Angelus: Bloody, whimpering bunny. Once she was tenderized, I gave Rocko the shaft. Never saw it coming, dumbass.
    Demon: Yeah, soul-boy. Nice job, bringing the sun back.
    [Angelus overhears the demon at the bar. He smirks and the other vampires at the table are frozen in fear. Angelus stands and goes up to the demon. The demon turns to look at Angelus.]
    Demon: Oh, hey, Angelus. Buy you a warm one?
    Angelus: Maybe after.
    Demon: After what?
    Angelus: After I rip out your windpipe so it stops making that annoying talky sound.
    Demon: Wait! I have a condition. Whoop! Goh, boy! Dirty bitch! Tourettes. You've heard of it, right?
    Angelus: Yeah, causes uncontrollable impulses...like yanking out throats.
    [Squeezes on the demon's throat.]
    Demon: Oh! oh oh...
    [Suddenly Angelus hears a mysterious imposing, echoy voice.]
    Beastmaster: Hello, Angelus. It's time we had that talk.
    [after Faith destroys part of Wesley's bathroom wall]
    Faith: Sorry about your bathroom.
    Wesley: It's not the bathroom I'm worried about. Although, I'm sure my security deposit is a complete loss.
    Beastmaster: Destruction sometimes is its own reward.
    Angelus: Hey, man, you're preaching to the guy who ate the choir. Wait, it was you, wasn't it? You pulled just the wrong strings to make them think it was their idea. Got 'em to yank that white, fluffy soul, and stuff it in a jar, and then gone, baby, gone.
    Beastmaster: Couldn't risk them putting it back in you. I have wonderful plans for you, my sweet boy.
    Angelus: Um, yeah, but the thing is, as far as plans go, I make my own. So, you know, thanks for stopping by my head.
    Beastmaster: You would dare to defy me?
    Angelus: Defy who? A big scary voice? Whoa! Hey, I got one of those, too. You wanna hear it? [cups his hands over his mouth] You can kiss my vampire ass! [talking normal again] That do anything for ya?
    Beastmaster: Angelus!
    [Angelus stands, holds his hands to his ears.]
    Angelus: Hello, volume!
    Beastmaster: I am not well pleased!
    Angelus: I am not well deaf.
    Beastmaster: Do you think me blind, little man? That I don't see every move before you decide to make it? Dare to seek me out again, and your insolence will be punished ten-fold.
    Angelus: Yeah, what're you gonna do, huh? Give me a migraine? You ethereal types with your big, swinging omniscience. When push comes to shove, though, you gotta send some overgrown slag-heap to do your dirty work. Ooh, that's real spooky. Oh, that's great! You made me lose my shopkeeper.
    Beastmaster: This isn't the way, my sweet. We should be friends, you and I.
    Angelus: No, and I'll tell you why. One, because, you know, I'm evil, so the friends thing, that's out. And two, if I did have any friends, they sure as hell wouldn't be living inside my head.
    Beastmaster: Like you're forced to live inside Angel's? Because you're the voice in there, aren't you? Just beneath the surface, buried under all that goodness, fully conscious, fully aware, but trapped. Unable to move or speak, powerless to act on your desires. So thirsty, so helpless...it must be agony.
    Angelus: I'm getting real bored with this game.
    Beastmaster: Then how 'bout a round of show-and-tell? Soul, soul, who has your soul? Oh, right.
    [The jar containing Angel's soul appears on a table in front of Angelus]
    Beastmaster: Me.
    [Angelus lunges for the jar and tries to grab it, but his hands go right through it like it was a mirage.]
    Angelus: More smoke and mirrors?
    Beastmaster: Only a glamour, yes, but I assure you, my sweet, this very moment I hold the real thing in the palms of my very corporeal hands, and I will restore it if you don't behave. I'll put you back in your box, Angelus, and bury you so far inside Angel, you'll never claw your way out again.
    [looks pained, stares at the ceiling]
    Angelus: All right. What do you want me to do... [grits his teeth] ...master?
    Demon: Look, I'm telling ya, I don't know nothing. On my mother's tumor.
    [Notices another demon sneaking up behind Wesley and Faith, intending to attack them; then cockily.]
    Demon:And even if I did, I'd never yak to a couple of fleshbags that are about to get their internal organs sucked out of their
    [Without looking Wesley shoots behind him with the shotgun, nailing the would-be attacker in the face.]
    Wesley: Strom demon. Face should grow back. [Cocks the shotgun] Eventually.
    Faith: Think yours will?
    Demon: Oh, that Angelus. Yeah, in here all the time running his mouth. "Look at me, I'm so evil." Real jackass. Never liked him. I'm on your side.
    [Faith goes to the side of a woman who's nearly passed out on a couch.]
    Faith: Hey, I'm gonna get you out of here.
    [Wesley picks up a hypodermic syringe from the floor.]
    Wesley: Faith...
    Faith: Can you walk?
    Girl: No, but I can fly.
    Faith: What did they do to her?
    Wesley: She did it to herself. They shoot up, the vampires feed, use 'em like a filter. I've read the effects can be quite intoxicating...for both of them.
    Girl: [to Faith] Hey, you're pretty. You wanna make out?
    [Faith grabs the girl by the collar and pushes her roughly against the wall.]
    Faith: There was a vampire in here earlier. Tall, dark hair... [the girl's eyes drift, but Faith grabs her face] Listen!
    Girl: OK. God! What's your issue?
    Faith: Tall, dark hair, talking to himself.
    Girl: Let go!
    [Faith punches the girl in the face.]
    Faith': Did you see him?
    Girl: No, I didn't. Stop it, you're hurting me!
    [Faith looks at the girl, gets a disturbed look on her face, and lets the girl go.]
    Faith: She doesn't know anything.
    Wesley: Maybe not.
    [Wesley takes out a knife and stabs the girl in the shoulder, making her gasp in pain.]
    Faith: What are you doing, Wes?
    Wesley: [to Faith] Shut up! [to the girl] The tracks on your arms--you've been here, what, two or three days straight? [twists the knife] Answer me!
    Girl: Yeah, God, stop! Yes four...four days.
    Wesley: Then you must've seen the vampire we're looking for.
    Girl: Angelus, I saw him. He, uh...
    Wesley: Where is he?
    Girl: I don't know. [Wesley punches her] I don't know! Please stop!
    Wesley: They said he was talking to himself. What was he saying?
    Girl: I don't know. It was...it was like he was talking to someone else. It was all rain of fire a-and pulling strings and a soul. That's all I heard. Please stop. It hurts.
    [Wesley pulls the knife out of the girl. Faith runs to the girl's side.]
    Faith: Have you totally lost it?
    Wesley: I avoided the main arteries. She'll live, if that's what you call this.
    Faith: So, what? Torturing humans is part of the new makeover?
    Wesley: I did what I had to because you couldn't.
    Faith: I hit her.
    Wesley: You think that's something new to her?
    Faith: You crossed it back there, Wes, What'd you do back there...
    Wesley: Oh, you have a problem with a little torture now? Seem to recall a time when you rather enjoyed it.
    Faith: Yeah, well, it's not me anymore. You know that.
    Wesley: [raises shotgun] Nice to have this along though, just in case. [speaking slowly] I remember what you did to me Faith: The broken glass, the shallow cuts, so I'd remain conscious.
    Faith: You think I'd hurt you again?
    Wesley: This the part where you tell me you've turned a new leaf, found God, Inner peace? We both know that isn't true. You haven't changed. You can't.
    Faith: [turns away] Wes...
    Wesley: [getting angry] Because you're sick. You've always been sick. It goes right down to the roots rotting your soul. That's why your friends turned on you in Sunnydale, why the Watcher's Council tried to kill you. No one trusts you Faith. You're just a rabid dog who should have been put down years ago! [Faith slams him up against the wall] See? Wasn't so hard, was it? [quietly] It's what you'll need to beat him.
    Fred: I let Angelus walk with Lilah's book and everything Wolfram and Hart suckered out of your brain.
    Lorne: I was gonna have those framed.
    Angelus: Uh-oh! Vampire with a gun!
    Angelus: You really have gone soft now, haven't you? Hey, you remember that time you tried to get Angel to kill you because you felt all weepy over being such a bad little girl. Huh? Do you still feel that way? Do you still wanna die?
    Faith: No.
    Angelus: What's that?
    Faith: No.
    Angelus: I can't hear you.
    Faith: No!
    Angelus: (cocks gun) Too bad, because you're gonna. (cocks gun again and again until it's empty) But not like this.

### Orpheus

    Angelus: Oh, no. I remember this. I-I remember this place. I gotta get outta here.
    Faith: Why? You freakin' out?
    Angelus: It's coming, again.
    Faith: What's coming?
    Angelus: I can't do it again. I won't.
    [Angel runs in front of a speeding car]
    Faith: Angel, get out of the road!
    Angelus: Arrrgh! No!
    Faith: [laughing] Dude! You just rescued a puppy.
    Wesley: Did the call of magic draw you here?
    Willow: Oh, no. More like the call of Fred.
    Willow: You must be Angel's handsome yet androgynous son.
    Connor: It's Connor.
    Willow: And the sneer's genetic, who knew?
    Angelus: [mocking] Doc,I think we're losing him. God, I love this episode!
    [Willow is planning to magically smash the jar holding Angel's soul]
    Willow: It had to be something specific. There's lots of jars in the world. Can't shatter 'em all. I mean, you could, but good things come in jars: Peanut butter. Jelly. Those two-headed fetal pigs at the national history museum. [Wesley barely reacts.] Come on, everybody loves fetal pigs.
    Wesley: Sorry. I think my sense of humor is trapped in a jar somewhere.
    Willow: Does seem like you've given in to the grumpy side of the force.
    Wesley: A lot's happened. Not just Angelus. I'd been... I've changed. I've seen a darkness in myself. I'm not sure you'd even begin to understand.
    Willow: I flayed a guy alive and tried to destroy the world.
    Wesley: Oh. So...
    Willow: Darkness. Been there.
    Wesley: Yeah. Well, I never flayed... [pauses] I had a woman chained in a closet.
    Willow: Hey!
    Wesley: Nah, doesn't compare.
    Willow: No, dark. That's dark. You've been to a place.
    Wesley: You seem exactly the same as when I left. No other major changes I'm not up on?
    Willow: Just little things. So, Fred, what's her story?
    [watching a memory of Angel feeding off rats in New York]
    Angelus: I already know all this crap. So why do I have to go through it again?
    Angel: Maybe because it's not about you, jackass.
    Angelus: Yeah like those Manilow concerts [throws Angel down the ally] son of a bitch!
    Connor: All right, I get it. I messed up.
    Faith: Hey, cheer up, punk. That just makes you one of us.
    Gunn: You headed out?
    Faith: Hey, no tears, big guy.
    Gunn: Nah, I'm good. I just wish I could've seen you kickin' the crap outta junior here.
    Faith: It was pretty funny.
    Faith: Arf,arf psycho

### Players

    Lorne: Wha...? Put me on the short bus, and send me off to clueless school. A mystical pregnancy right under my beak and not even a tingle. Huh.
    Gunn: (to Angel) Well, congratulations. You're gonna have a grandspawn.
    Wesley: No. They were bound to skulk off to neutral corners.
    Gunn: Two vampires hook up and for the only time in vamp history, have a kid-our boy, Connor. Then Connor grows up, knocks it out with Cordelia, a part-demon former higher being, and quick as you can say "Easy-Bake Oven" there's a gigantic bun in hers. I don't think we were too harsh.
    Lorne: Yeah, well, that was before my spell went all flop-a-palooza.
    Fred: Having two part-demon parents might could explain the whoosh factor.
    Gunn: Not gonna be long before whoosh turns into pop.
    Lorne: Speaking of pop, don't you think our re-ensouled leader should be a part of this little confab?
    Angel: (stepping out of his office) Easy-bake. Flop-a-palooza. Whoosh, pop. [to Wesley] I don't skulk.
    [Alarm goes off]
    Gunn: Uh, what... seems to be the problem?
    Security guard: The electronic imprints on your invitations have been altered.
    Gwen: I can explain that. I was struck by lightning. [off everyone else's looks] Really. [hisses at Gunn] See how my life sucks?
    Lorne: Has Cordy been a bad, bad girl? (looks into the Magic 8-Ball for the answer)
    Magic 8-Ball: Definitely.

### Inside Out

    Angel: All this time it was you, wasn't it?
    Cordelia: Took you long enough to figure it out. But nice turn with the Lorne bait. You know, there was a time I would've seen that one coming eons before it ever crossed your tiny little mind.
    Angel: Because you're so clever.
    Cordelia: On the scale of you to me? Pretty damn.
    Gunn: No way. We make our own choices.
    Skip: Yeah, sure. Cheese sandwich here, uh, when to floss. But the big stuff, like two vampires squeezing out a kid?
    Angel: Connor.
    Wesley: An impossible birth to make one possible.
    Skip: That's what the kid was designed for.
    Lorne: To sleep with mother love?
    Angel: To create a vessel.
    Skip: Look out. The monkey's thinking again.
    Angel: Being inside a human makes it vulnerable, doesn't it? That's why it had to stay hidden. Why it needed to create something stronger to pour itself into.
    Gunn: Wait. So the big nasty inside of Cordy is going to give birth... to itself?
    Fred: Will it make a difference? We really are just pieces being moved around a board.
    Gunn: Then we'll kick it over and start a new game. Look, monochrome can yap all he wants about no-name's cosmic plan, but here's a little something I picked up rubbing mojos these past couple of years. The final score can't be rigged. I don't care how many players you grease, that last shot always comes up a question mark. But here's the thing—you never know when you're taking it. It could be when you're duking it out with the Legion of Doom, or just crossing the street deciding where to have brunch. So you just treat it all like it was up to you—the world in the balance—'cause you never know when it is.
    Connor: Somebody there?
    Darla: (o.s.) I’ve always been there, close to your heart. After all...
    [He looks over toward the dark corner of the room as Darla materializes out of thin air in front of him.]
    Darla: ...isn’t that where a mother belongs?
    Connor: You can't be my mother.
    Darla: [softly] I have her memories, her feelings. Isn't that what makes a person who they are?
    Girl: [weeping in the corner]) Let me go, please...
    Darla: I know that sound, the look in her eyes, the smell of fear. [kneels beside the girl.] I've nurtured it a thousand times in all the people that I've murdered.
    Connor: My mother's dead.
    Darla: And I'll always be a part of you. You shared your soul with me once when you were growing inside of me when I'd lost my own. You brought light to my shadow, filled my heart with joy and love. I'd never felt so close to any living thing as I did to my beautiful boy.
    Connor: Why'd you leave me? Did you hate me that much?
    Darla: Baby, no. I wanted to be with you more than anything.
    Connor: You killed yourself. I wasn't even born yet. And you-
    Darla: Did what I had to. My life for yours. I did so many terrible things, Connor, so much destruction, so much pain. You were the one good thing I ever did. The only good thing. I'd die every day for the rest of eternity for you. And this... [Gestures to the virgin girl]...is how you repay me?
    Connor: You don't understand. We need her for our baby, to keep it safe.
    Darla: By anointing it in the blood of an innocent? You really think that safety can be plucked from the arms of an evil deed?
    Connor: Good, evil. They're just words.
    Darla: [shakes her head] Don't let this happen, Connor. Don't let my death mean nothing.
    Connor: They hate us... because we're special.
    Girl: I don't hate you. Please.
    Darla: They're scared because of what you've done not because of what you are.
    Connor: They wanted to kill me when I was still inside of you.
    Darla: But that changed when they saw you, held you in their arms, felt the warmth of your skin, the goodness in your heart.
    Connor: And it will happen again when they hold my child. It's the only way.
    Darla: You have a choice, Connor. That is something more precious than you'll ever know.
    Connor: What choice? They're hunting us like animals!
    Darla: Because you're acting like one. As a vampire I killed without mercy or remorse because I didn't have a soul. What's your excuse?
    Connor: You think I wanna do this?
    Darla: Then don't.
    Connor: I have to.
    Darla: Why? [Gestures to Cordelia in the next room] Because she told you? There are things happening, Connor, things that I can't... It has to be your choice. You can stop this.
    Connor: Her blood for our baby's. It's fair, isn't it?
    Girl: Please, I wanna go home.
    Connor: Shut up!
    Darla: This isn't you, Connor.
    Connor: You've been gone a long time, Mom. How would you know?
    Darla: Because we shared a soul. I feel the pain, the anger, the hurt, like it were my own. But most of all, I feel the good in you and no matter how much you're beaten or twisted or lied to, it's still there in your heart. I know it, and deep down, you know it, too.
    Angel: No, you're not coming, any of you. Whatever's taken over Cordy, it's still her inside. She's still our friend. She's still the woman I... I won't let you carry that. I can't.
    Skip: Anybody got a hanky?
    [Connor kneels down to untie the bound hands of the virgin girl he's holding captive. Darla stands nearby.]
    Connor: Shhhhh. Shhh. It's okay.
    Darla: You're all right now. Everything's going to be all right.
    Cordelia: What are you doing?
    Connor: [frozen] Nothing. I, uh...
    Cordelia: It's time. Take her in the other room.
    Darla: Listen to your heart.
    Connor: [to Cordelia] She didn't do anything. We should let her go.
    Cordelia: No we shouldn't. We need her, Connor. Our baby...
    Connor: Shouldn't be anointed with innocent blood.
    Cordelia: Anointed? Who's been filling your head with big, confusing words?
    Connor: Just been thinking about it.
    Cordelia: Or, maybe... a little birdie's been pecking at you behind my back.
    Darla: [to Connor] She'll lie to you.
    Cordelia: You know how much they love to use the magic, Connor. A spell for this, a spell for that.
    Darla: Close her out, baby.
    Cordelia: Whatever you're hearing, whatever you think you're seeing...it's a trick.
    Darla: Don't let her in.
    Cordelia: It's Angel.
    Darla: No.
    Cordelia: Trying to turn you against me with a cheap vision of... [looks to where Darla's standing] ...Darla?
    Connor: [to Cordelia] You can see her?
    Cordelia: I see the lies.
    Darla: Connor, listen to me.
    Cordelia: It's not her.
    Darla: You have to let her go.
    Cordelia: It's your father. This is how much he hates you.
    Darla: I love you. Please.
    Cordelia: Torturing you with this sad imitation of your dead mother.
    Darla: [crying] Don't let her do this.
    Cordelia: Are you going to let them do this to us? Are you going to let them kill our baby?
    Darla: [desperate] Connor, listen to me...
    Connor: [yelling, crying] You are not my mother!
    [Darla looks on horrified as Connor grabs the virgin girl by her bound hands and drags her into the other room.]
    Girl: [weeping] No!
    [Connor puts virgin girl on the ground in the center of the circle where Cordelia was chanting before. The girl looks up to see Cordelia swinging a huge butcher's knife at her head. When the girl looks up at Connor, she has Darla's face now.]
    Darla: Please, don't do this Connor. Don't--
    [Connor just stands there, watching Cordelia murder this girl, listening to the sounds of blood spattering as Cordelia makes the killing blow. The girl collapses in the middle of the circle.]
    Cordelia: There. That wasn't so hard, was it?
    [When Skip turns his head, Wesley notices a break in the armor where Angel had ripped some of it off of his head earlier. Wesley makes a rolling dive for the gun, aims, and shoots at Skip's head. The bullet goes right into the vulnerable spot, entering Skip's head.]
    Skip: Well, that ain't right. [collapses]

### Shiny Happy People

    Gunn: OK, so what are we dealing with?
    Fred: Eight legs, three heads, horns...?
    Lorne: Hey!
    Fred: No offense.
    Connor: Two legs, one head, no horns.
    Lorne: Lemme guess: green?
    Angel: No. Kind of.... mocha.
    Connor: Kill? No. No killing.
    Gunn: Since when?
    Angel: Since we've all been saved.
    Fred: Oh, well, that's, uh, crazy talk.
    Angel: (to Connor) They don't understand.
    Connor: No.
    Angel: We don't want to kill her. (takes the axe away from Wesley) We just want to find her so we can worship her. That's all.
    Wesley: Angel, whatever you're feeling right now, it's some form of enchantment.
    Angel: (looks wistful) Yeah.
    Jasmine: Yes. In the beginning, before the time of man, great beings walked the earth. Untold power emanated from all quarters—the seeds of what would come to be known as good and evil. But the shadows stretched and became darkness, and the malevolent among us grew stronger. The earth became a demon realm. Those of us who had the will to resist left this place, but we remained ever-watchful.
    Fred: (walks into the room) Well, I tried. (holds up a shirt) What do you think?
    Wesley: It looks brand new.
    Fred: (cries) It is. I—I bought a new one.
    Wesley: Even better.
    Fred: (crying) I know.
    Angel: What's the matter? She'll love it.
    Fred: I know, but she's not here.
    Gunn: She's just upstairs.
    Fred: Yes, but, when she's not around, (sobs) I hurt.

### The Magic Bullet

    Fred: So, you don't worry that it's possible for someone to send out a biological or electronic trigger that effectively overrides your own sense of ideals and values, and replaces them with an alternative coercive agenda that reduces you to little more than a mindless meat puppet?
    Shopkeeper: Wow. People used to think that I was paranoid. I mean, don't get me wrong. I still got the implants in my head. C.I.A. is still listening in. It just doesn't bother me anymore. Instead, I—I beam Jasmine's love up to their satellite, you know? Share the love with those MK-Ultra bastards.
    Shopkeeper: You want to fight fire with fire. Make sure the government and the other savages learn about Jasmine's love.
    Fred: Exact— (plays along) that's exactly right. Why should we be the only shiny, happy people?
    Shopkeeper: We don't need to use the evil tools of (with air quotes) the man when we have (with air quotes) the wo-man. We need to trust that Jasmine's love will reach the rest of the world just like it reached us
    Fred: Oh, happy day.
    Angel: She's right. There's work to do here. We have a hotel full of people, people who have needs.
    Lorne: You know what they say about people who need people...
    Connor: They're the luckiest people in the world.
    Lorne: You been sneaking peeks at my Streisand collection again, kiddo?
    Connor: Just kinda popped out.
    Elderly Woman: I have 37 cats, and I've just changed all their names to Jasmine!
    Lorne: Tonight the Role of Judas Iscariot will be played by Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan.

### Sacrifice

    Female Radio Announcer: And in an impromptu speech today, the mayor—I really love that guy, don't you?— The mayor declared Los Angeles the first Citadel of Jasmine, a cradle of civilization which will usher in a new age for all of humanity. In related news, the L.A. Archdiocese has stated to the press that it will remove all false idols from its churches, replacing them with images of she who walks among us. Way to go, Catholic Church. Yes, it's a great day to be alive.
    Lorne: Well, talk about media bias. Well, not that I wanna talk about media bias. It seems rather moot right now. Speakin' of moot, what about us? Anyone else feel like the last feisty wife in Stepford?
    Gunn: So that's our big plan? Just keep running?
    Lorne: Oh, I hear some good things about Belize!
    Wesley: All right, f-fine. You loved her first.
    Mantis Demon: Before your kind was, my kind loved her. Stood stone on stone, built the temple. Always making ready. Ohh... But she came here.
    Wesley: She? Jasmine?
    Mantis Demon: Eh?
    Wesley: Jasmine. That's what we call her. The... superior being that—that you loved first.
    Mantis Demon: Pfah! You name her. Filthy little mice! She is the devourer... the song... the peace... the whole... and you try to name her. Work to do. [walks away, then snaps his head back to Wesley] We loved her first!
    [Wesley watches the demon go back to work. It crawls up the wall and grabs a torch. Wesley stares at the bloody guts that splatted in front of him.]
    Wesley: And how does your kind define love?
    Mantis Demon: Same as all bodies. Same as everywheres. Love is sacrifice.
    Vampire: Just drop the cliche serial killer crap and stake me already! Please!
    Mantis Demon: I tear your guts all inside out. I stitch your guts every all over. Why don't you go dead?
    Vampire: Why don't you go f— [the demon attacks him] Aah! Aah!

### Peace Out

    Jasmine: It was a trial run, an early experiment to work out the bugs, so to speak. I won't make that mistake again. I know where Angel is, and I know what he's looking for. He's wasting his time.
    Wesley: If you really believed that, you'd have killed us already.
    Wesley: Too much trouble conquering a primitive dimension, wasn't it, Jasmine? Or whatever your name is. Must be nice for you that we have satellites to beam your message to the rest of the world.
    Jasmine: You're not wrong.
    Wesley: Connor, what does Jasmine eat?
    Connor: What?
    Wesley: The creature in the sewer. It called her the devourer. Devourer of what?
    Connor: I don't know.
    Wesley: Don't You? The followers she randomly chooses to come to her room. The ones she sent to meet her in the banquet hall.
    Lorne: They're the banquet.
    Gunn: Wait. People? She eats people?
    Fred: Oh, no.
    Gunn: To Serve Man. It's To Serve Man all over again.
    Fred: And now she's going global.
    High Priest: What is it you think you fight for, dead thing? Valor? What you call justice? Your friends are dead. Most likely. Or so you believe. So it's not for them you fight.
    Angel: I'm trying to save my world!
    High Priest: Your world. A world that doesn't care for you. Doesn't want you.
    Angel: It needs me!
    High Priest: So your Powers That Be tell you. Maybe they're right. But it's not why you're here.
    Angel: Okay, Bugsy, you wanna tell me what I'm fighting for?
    High Priest: Him.
    Angel: Him?
    High Priest: The boy. The woman you've already lost. The boy is what you're fighting for. But you're going to fail. You're going to lose him too.
    Angel: Jasmine, it's over. You've lost.
    Jasmine: I've lost? Do you have any idea what you've done?
    Angel: What I had to do.
    Jasmine: No. No, Angel. There are no absolutes. No right and wrong. Haven't you learned anything working for the Powers? There are only choices. I offered paradise. You chose this!
    Angel: Because I could. Because that's what you took away from us. Choice.
    Jasmine: And look what free will has gotten you.
    Angel: Hey, I didn't say we were smart. I said it's our right. It's what makes us human.
    Jasmine: But you're not human.
    Angel: Working on it.
    [Jasmine turns to walk away]
    Angel: Where you going?
    Jasmine: Leave me alone.
    Angel: Sorry, but... can't do that.
    Jasmine: What? You've taken everything. You're gonna try to kill me now, as if you could.
    Angel: Maybe not. But I'll die before I let you hurt anyone else.
    Jasmine: You're already dead!
    Angel: You know what I mean. It ends right here.
    Jasmine: Why do you hate me so much?
    Angel: Let's run down the list, huh? Rain of fire, blotting out the sun, enslaving mankind, and, yeah, oh, yeah, hey, you eat people!
    Jasmine: Like you never have?
    Angel: Thousands of people are dead because of what you've done.
    Jasmine: And how many will die because of you? I could've stopped it, Angel. All of it. War, disease, poverty. How many precious, beautiful lives would've been saved in a handful of years? Yes, I murdered thousands to save billions. This world is doomed to drown in its own blood now.
    Angel: The price was too high, Jasmine. Our fate has to be our own, or we're nothing.
    Jasmine: Like me?
    Angel: Look, we've all done horrible things. All we can do is try and make up for it. So, OK, you know, it's not the world that you wanted, but maybe you can still help us make it better, even if you have lost your powers.
    Jasmine: Not all of them.
    [Jasmine punches Angel so hard that it sends him flying over the edge of the bridge. He lands on a car hood. Jasmine, still on the bridge, picks up a station wagon.]
    Jasmine: Think the price was too high? You haven't begun to pay!
    [She throws a station wagon over the bridge, it snaps a power line before crashing into the street and exploding. Jasmine jumps off the bridge, lands on her feet, and walks menacingly toward Angel.]
    Jasmine: Maybe you're right. Maybe I can still make this world a better place. One body at a time. I loved this world. I sacrificed everything I was to be with you.
    Angel: So you could rule us?
    Jasmine: Because I cared. The other Powers don't. Never really did. You know that's true in your heart. Shame now I gotta rip it out.
    [She reaches for Angel, but he grabs the end of the power line and electrocutes Jasmine with the live end. The electricity sends her back a few feet, but doesn't hurt her. She walks back toward Angel.]
    Jasmine: I was forged in the inferno of creation, vampire. Do you really think a little electricity would destroy me?
    Angel: Worth a shot.
    Angel: Go to hell.
    Jasmine: You first, baby.
    [Forces Angel into a kiss.]
    Connor: Always the same, dad. I get a girl, you gotta make a play for her.
    [Jasmine lets up on the kissing.]

### Home

    Lilah: I have been authorized to make you kids an offer.
    Fred: You can't possibly think there's anything we'd want from you.
    Lilah: I don't think you'll want it, but you'll take it, because this is the offer of a lifetime. [pauses] Just not, you know, mine.
    Wesley: Jasmine was creating a slave state.
    Lilah: Right, where the slaves are full of giggly joy and love. Ugh, what a nightmare.
    Angel: She was eating people.
    Lilah: They knew what they were getting into.
    Lorne: Her stomach!?!
    Gunn: Couldn't have been easy for you seeing Lilah again like that.
    Wesley: Oh, yes. That was awkward, wasn't it? When you decapitate a loved one, you don't expect them to come visiting.
    Preston: I had this prepared. Confidential list. Peepers only. I thought you might like to take a gander at our roster. Just a run down of some of the talent we represent here.
    Lorne: Uh, no. No. No. No. I don't think you have to tell me what you represent here, young man. Evil. Pure evil in the... (stunned as he looks at the list) Huh. Which is also apparently everyone I've always wanted to meet. (laughs)
    [Lilah, reanimated due to a clause in her contract, looks on as Wesley rifles through Wolfram & Hart files.]
    Lilah: What are you doing, Wesley?
    Wesley: [takes a piece of paper out of the files] Standard in Perpetuity clause.
    Lilah: You broke in here for my contract?
    Wesley: I'm here to release you from it.
    Lilah: Wesley…
    Wesley: You've suffered enough! [he lights the paper on fire] I want you to find some peace.
    Lilah: Gallant to the end... but I knew what I signed up for.
    Wesley: It's done.
    Lilah: Look in the drawer. [Wesley finds the same piece of paper in the file cabinet again, unscorched] Flames wouldn't be eternal if they actually consumed anything. But it means something that you tried.
    Connor: You might not want to move. Everyone's rigged. Can't save 'em all, dad. Don't know who's gonna be first. Could be any one of 'em. [Stands, revealing he's wired too.] Could be me. [steps away, points to an unconscious Cordelia on the floor, also wired] Could be her.
    [Angel stares shocked and frozen with fear for a moment.]
    Angel: Son...you have to listen to me. This is about Jasmine.
    Connor: Jasmine's gone.
    Angel: I know. We all felt it, that perfect love, then when you had to give it up...
    Connor: I didn't feel anything! I can't feel anything. I guess I really am your son... 'cause I'm dead, too.
    Angel: You're not dead. You're just starting your life and--
    Connor: No, you just weren't there before!
    Angel: I know. I'm so
    Connor: Do not say you're sorry! Doesn't fix anything.
    Angel: Ok, look, let me say this. I love you, son.
    Connor: It's a lie.
    Angel: It's not.
    Connor: It's always a lie. My dead mother couldn't even love me.
    Angel: You're wrong. She did.
    Connor: No. [shakes her head] No. She knew she couldn't.
    Angel: She sacrificed herself because she loved you.
    Connor: You tried to love me. At least I think you did.
    Angel: I still do.
    Connor: But not enough to hang on, dad. (glares at Angel)You let him take me. You let him get me. You let him get me. (turns to face Cordelia) Cordy... you swore you loved me. Where are you now?
    Angel: Connor... you have to believe that there are people who love you.
    Connor: Jasmine believed you when you said you loved her, but it was all a lie.
    Angel: Jasmine was the lie.
    Connor: No! She knew if you found out who she really was that you'd turn against her, and she was right. That's just what happened. People like you. People like this. None of you deserve what she could give you. She wanted to give you everything.
    Angel: I know how that feels. 'Cause I want to give you everything. I want to take back the mistakes, help you start over.
    Connor: We can't start over.
    Angel: We can. I mean, we can change things.
    Connor: There's only one thing that ever changes anything... and that's death. Everything else is just a lie. You can't be saved by a lie. You can't be saved at all.