# Saturday Night Live/Season 18

Saturday Night Live: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50

### Tom Arnold/Neil Young [18.8]

    Secret Service Agent (Kevin Nealon): Sir, we've only been jogging for three blocks. Besides, Mrs. Clinton asked us not to let you in any more fast food places.
    Bill Clinton (Phil Hartman): I just want to mingle with the American people, talk with some real folks.. and maybe get a Diet Coke, or something.
    Secret Service Agent: Fine. But please don't tell Mrs. Clinton.
    Bill Clinton: Jim, let me tell you something—there's gonna be a lot of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton about.

### Bill Murray/Sting [18.14]

    David Spade: [during his Weekend Update segment "Hollywood Minute"] And Steve Martin, what about his new movie, Leap of Faith? I was gonna go see it, but I was sick that day. [the audience laughs lightly, then bursts into rapturous applause, as unbeknownst to Spade, Steve Martin himself walks up behind him] He has blonde hair in it- am I supposed to buy that? His hair has been grey since 1974. He's probably turned into one of those guys that doesn't wear a tie now- "Hey, I'm Matt Dillon". [as he says the following part, Martin grabs Spade's shoulder and starts squeezing it in implied anger.] Yeah, just a minute, Kevin. Anyway-- ow, you're hurting me. [he finally sees Martin, and is understandably scared shitless.]
    Steve Martin: Thanks for the tip, Kevin. [to Spade] You wanna go now? [Spade immediately leaves without a word, and Martin proceeds to do a similar segment ripping on HIM instead.] Hi there. I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hassling people with real careers. It's called "Your Last Hollywood Minute." Deal with it!

### Jason Alexander/Peter Gabriel [18.17]

    Bennett Brauer (Chris Farley): [making air quotes throughout] That's right, Bennett Brauer, here with a commentary. Not quite what you're used to, perhaps. Not a tidy picture, is it? Because in today's souped up society, apparently John Q. Viewer is only comfortable getting his opinions from a Ken doll. Well, maybe I'm not a "G.Q. model" or a "hunk". Maybe I'm not "handsome" or even "presentable". I'm not "pleasing to the eye". Maybe I'm not "witty". I have no "charm" or "appeal". I'm not "smart" or even "the average". I don't "pee in the potty". I'm not "clean". I don't "smell good". I'm not "polished" or "prepared". I have nothing "interesting to say". I guess I don't "play the game". When I eat, I don't "use silverware" or "wipe my face". I don't "wash afterwards" or even the "next day". So I guess I just don't "fit the mold", and if that 's the case, I'll just step back and I'm sure John and Jane Doe can go back to enjoying the endless parade of commentators who don't "make people queasy". Thanks, that's all for now, Kevin.

### Christina Applegate/Midnight Oil [18.19]

    Matt Foley (Chris Farley): First off, I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.
    Matt: You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and livin' in a van down by the river!
    Matt: Young man, what do you want to do with your life?
    Brian (David Spade): Well, actually, I kind of want to be a writer.
    Matt: ...Well, la-dee-FRICKIN-da! We got ourselves a writer here! Hey Dad, I can't see real good, is that Bill Shakespeare over there?
    'Dad: Well, actually, Matt, we've actually been encouraging Brian in his writing.
    Matt: Dad, I wish you could shut your big YAPPER!
    Matt:From what I hear, you're using that paper not for writing, but for rollin' doobies. Well there's gonna be plenty of time for doobie rollin', when you're LIVIN' IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!
    Matt:Young lady, what do you want to do with your life?
    Stacy (Christina Applegate): [Sarcastically] I wanna live in a van down by the river.
    Matt: Well, you'll have plenty of time for livin' in a van down by the river when...YOU'RE LIVIN' IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

### Kevin Kline/Willie Nelson & Paul Simon [18.20]

    Bennett Brauer: That's right, Bennett Brauer here with another commentary. Didn't think the suits would have me back, perhaps. Thought they'd have my derriere replaced by one of those cookie cutter store mannequins. Well, maybe I'm not "the norm". I'm not "camera friendly". I don't "wear clothes that fit me". I'm not a "heartbreaker". I haven't "had sex with a woman"; I don't know "how that works". I guess I don't "fall in line". I'm not "hygienic". I don't "wipe properly". I lack "style". I don't have "charisma" or "self esteem". I don't "own a toothbrush" or "let my scabs heal". I can't "reach all the parts of my body". When I sleep, I don't...I "sweat profusely". But I guess the "powers that be" will keep signing my paycheck, at least until John and Jane Q. Viewer start to go for the remote so they can get back to watching commentators who don't "frighten children" and don't "eat their own dandruff" and don't "pop their white heads with a compass they used in high school".