# Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 1)

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Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000-2024) is an American television sitcom on HBO starring Seinfeld writer & co-creator Larry David. The series is loosely based on David's life as a semi-retired multi-millionaire in the world after Seinfeld. It was inspired by a 1999 one-hour mockumentary titled Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm, which David and HBO had envisioned as a one-time project.

### The Pants Tent [1.1]

    Larry David: I can name sources. Sophia Loren was once a source.
    Larry: [regarding his "bunch-up"] Is it a bad thing? Maybe it's not such a bad thing.
    Cheryl: Oh, 'cause you want people to think you constantly have an erection?
    Richard:[regarding his girlfriend] She reads Wiesel and a lot of things.
    Larry: She reads Wiesel?
    Richard: That's right. Not everyone's a moron I go out with.
    Larry: You know what she should be reading? Emily fucking Post!
    [Larry, unaware he is on speakerphone, is asked if he wants to play golf]
    Larry: I dunno, I'll have to ask Hitler. (Cheryl)
    Richard: You better call me later on, by sundown.
    Larry: "By sundown"? What are you, Gary Cooper?
    Larry: It's always great to see a black entrepreneur, isn't it?
    Jeff's Mom: What?
    Jeff's Dad: What did he just say? What is that supposed to mean?

### Ted and Mary [1.2]

    Larry: Everything is "heaven" with [Ted]. The piece of gum he had; "Oh this is heaven!" Had a taste of a chocolate bar; "I'm in heaven." A parking space is "heaven." It's all "heaven."
    Salesperson: I am not a shoe whore!
    Salesperson: It's people like you that are the problem.
    Larry: No, I'm the solution! I'm the solution to the problem!
    Larry: I'd like to return this, please.
    Sales woman: What seems to be the problem?
    Larry: You know, it's kinda of half-jacket, half-shirt; half-man, half-beast.

### Porno Gil [1.3]

    Larry: Maybe we can stop by the store and pick up some Tabasco.
    Brian: Should you be going to the party with your back or, er, can you bend over? Can you bend with your back?
    Larry: Yeah.
    Brian: Well then maybe you should just bend over and kiss my ass and maybe next time you'll remember to pick up my fucking golf ball.

### The Bracelet [1.4]

    Richard: I can't believe you won't help out a blind man.
    Larry: I can't believe you said "blind man" in front of a blind man!

### The Interior Decorator [1.5]

    Parking Attendant: "The bald guy with the glasses." That's you?
    Larry: Unfortunately, that's me.
    Parking Attendant: Hey, it's a good look.

### The Wire [1.6]

    Jeff: If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro's not a good maniac.
    Larry: You try to do something nice, see what happens?
    Jeff: You get screwed.
    Larry: You do one nice thing in your life. I assume it's the first nice thing you've ever done in your life.
    Jeff: You're so complimentary.
    Larry: It would put you one up on me, if that's the case. Although, I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out "Watch out!" and she said "Don't you tell me what to do!"
    Jeff: And that's all it took to for you to stop helping people?
    Larry: I got out of the "nice" business at that point.
    Larry: And who knows, you know what? Maybe I'll be able to need a lawyer someday.
    Cheryl: Anything could happen.
    Larry: A lot of people sue me.
    Larry: What's the guy, 40 years old? He's got to meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus! What kind of person is that?!
    Cheryl: He's a fan.
    Larry: What does he expect to gain from such a meeting? What does he think? He's gonna go over there, she's gonna be so charmed by him that all of a sudden they'll start becoming friends? They'll talk on the phone and go out to dinner together, go to the movies? What, start e-mailing each other? Summer vacations? Is he out of his fucking mind?!
    Phyllis: Tell me about Jerry Seinfeld and tell me about...he dates those young girls-
    Larry: Well, um, he's a eunuch. Yes. His testicles were cut off when he was about 13 because he was in the Beth Shalom choir. And, um, that's what he wanted to be, he was a choirboy.
    Phyllis: Julia, is that true? Does he really have no testicles?
    Julia Louis-Dreyfus: You know, I've got to tell you, I don't have any fucking idea.
    Cheryl: I guess Julia will have to come back over. You'll just have to arrange another meeting.
    Larry: Are you out of your mind now?

### Aamco [1.7]

    Julie: [referring to Larry's movie "Sour Grapes"] I enjoyed it. It was interesting. It was such a perfect length.
    Larry: That's my specialty, length.
    Julie: Well, I thought it was a good length
    Larry: The width, what about the width? There's some good width in that movie.
    Hobo: Got any spare change?
    Jeff: Nah, I got nothing, man.
    Larry: [hands him some leftovers] Want this?
    Hobo: What is it?
    Larry: It's tuna.
    Hobo: I don't like tuna.
    Larry: What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?
    Larry: [after the dinner party] Hey, when's the next meeting of the Young Republicans club?
    Cheryl: [referring to the caterer who stole their food] You know, this is very unprofessional if you ask me.
    Larry: It's completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career's been based on being unprofessional.
    Caterer: [regarding the leftovers] Uhm, I'm really not sure that everything survived the trip here, so..
    Larry: "Survived the trip here"? Where did you come from? The Sudan?

### Beloved Aunt [1.8]

    Jeff: How did she die?
    Larry: Killed herself.
    Jeff: No, she didn't.
    Larry: Killed herself.
    Jeff: Why?
    Larry: Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note. That is so rude, isn't it?
    Jeff: That's really rude.
    Larry: I mean, if you leave your house for ten minutes to go get a container of milk, you tell somebody where you went.
    Jeff: I let my wife know before I go anywhere.
    Larry: Yeah. Would it have killed her to leave a note?
    Cheryl's Dad: But we have to continue.
    Relative: We must go on.
    Larry: Must go on! Can't go on! Must go on!
    Larry: [stuffing fruit in his mouth] How many do you think I can get in my mouth at a time?
    [Larry walks in on Cheryl's family after they finished reading the obituary. They all glare at him]
    Larry: What?
    Cheryl: "What?" We got a paper, that's what!
    Cheryl's Dad: "Devoted sister, beloved cunt"?! [showing Larry the paper] That's what you put in the paper?!
    Larry: [In shock] This is a typo! It should be "aunt"!
    Cheryl: Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in?
    Larry: They have proofreaders at papers!
    Susie: [after reading the obituary, to Jeff] Do me a favor. When I die, let someone else handle the obit, OK?
    Jeff: You gotta go.
    Larry: What?
    Jeff: You gotta go.
    Larry: The hell are you talking about?
    Jeff: You copped a feel off my mom, you gotta go.
    Larry: Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick!
    Jeff: It's what she thinks. What can I say? Sweet dreams.
    Larry: "Sweet dreams". I'll dream about fucking your mother. "Sweet dreams."
    Jeff: Do me a favor. Let me take care of the sunglasses.
    Larry: The sunglasses?
    Jeff: Give them to me, let me take care of them.
    Larry: You want me to give a gift now?
    Jeff: You gave it to her.
    Larry: After this "entertaining" evening?
    Jeff: C'mon, you gave it to her.
    Larry: I don't think so. No.
    Jeff: That's called "Indian giving".
    Larry: Yes, I know what it's called. It's a very racist term but I'm okay with that.
    Craig: Hi, Larry!
    Larry: Hey, buddy! Hey, thanks for ratting me out to Becky, really appreciated it.
    Craig: I did not rat you out.
    Larry: You told her everything we talked about. And I told you not to say anything.
    Craig: Well, that's your problem.
    Larry: What a jerk.
    Craig: Oh, I'm a jerk? Is that right? [starts to roll up sleeves]
    Larry: Oh boy, oh boy. What are you going to do beat me up?
    Craig: Maybe I will.
    Larry: Go ahead! Take a shot!

### Affirmative Action [1.9]

    Richard: Dr. Grambs, this is my friend, Larry David.
    Larry: Hi, how you doing?
    Richard: He's my dermatologist.
    Larry: Really?
    Richard: Yeah, for what, fifteen years already?
    Larry: Even with the whole affirmative action thing?
    Larry: Why don't we just call your doctor?
    Cheryl: You can't call my doctor on the weekends, unless it's a life threatening emergency.
    Larry: What?
    Cheryl: Yeah, if you call his machine, it'll tell you you can't page him.
    Larry: You called up and that's what it said?
    Cheryl: Yeah.
    Larry: That is obscene, you know that? [imitating the doctor] "Can't disturb the doctor on the weekend! Don't call the Dr. Zeppler on the weekend unless it's life-threatening!"
    Cheryl: OK, OK.
    Larry: [imitates the doctor's wife] "Norman, is someone calling? Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!"
    Cheryl: Larry...
    Larry: "This better be life-threatening or you're not gonna leave this house!"
    Cheryl: Larry, please. I'm begging you.
    Larry: "Norman! Unless they were burned in a fire I don't want you getting up from your chair. Do you understand, Norman?"
    [after figuring out the navigation system for his car]
    Larry: I can't wait to call my parents. They are gonna be so proud of me! When I tell my father I figured out out that navigation system, he's gonna flip his wig! And he's got one too!
    Cheryl: Can we turn on the radio?
    Larry: Oh, he's gonna be very proud of Larry figuring out the navigation system!
    Cheryl: Please.
    Larry: "Daddy, I'm not so stupid!"

### The Group [1.10]

    [Larry has been forced to go to an incest survivor group as support for his ex-girlfriend]:
    Larry: My name is Todd, and I'm an incest survivor.
    Incest Survivor Group: Hi, Todd.
    Larry: Hello, I had sex with my uncle when I was 12. He lived in Great Neck, he was a doctor. An osteopath--I don't even know what they do, but I know they're doctors. Something to do with muscles, I think. Neither here nor there.