# I Heart Huckabees

I Heart Huckabees 2004, a comedy that explores existentialism and nihilism. It was produced and directed by David O. Russell, who co-wrote the screenplay with Jeff Baena.

## Tommy Corn

* Honestly, I have no idea what you guys are talking about. I thought we were talking about petroleum.
* How come we only ask ourselves the really big questions when something bad happens?
* [after being hit in the face with a rubber ball] Awesome! Can we do the ball thing everyday?
* Aaah, here he comes! The man poet who banged France's Dark Lady of Philosophy! The parking lot crusader of truth who turned his back on his Other like a cold-blooded gangsta.
* Why are you guys wasting all of your time fighting each other? I mean, come on, seriously. Put the egos aside for a second, guys, please. Deal with the issues, okay. We have a deadly petroleum situation, not to mention cystic f-- SHUT UP! SHUT! -- Cystic Fibrosis, civil war in Africa, toxic fish. You have children in your own community who are going to prison. Father Flavin doesn't have the money to help them! Ma'am, listen to me!
* If this world is temporary, identity is an illusion, then everything is meaningless and it doesn't matter if you use petroleum, and that's got me very confused.

## Albert Markovski

* 'Betrayed' by Albert Markovski. Is it possible for anybody in this world to work together to make it better? I don't think so.
* Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need.
* [about the body bag exercise] I can't go back in there. It's all hating faces that I have to chop up with a machete!
* We're not in Infinity, we're in the suburbs
* Everything is the same, even if it's different.
* Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shoot Mother what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't, than nothing in this world makes any sense to me. I'm trapped! Maybe I should quit. Don't quit! Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do anymore! Mother! Fuck shoot!
* [to Vivian Jaffe] I can't believe you guys actually exist.
* What?! Is it a crime? Is it a crime to look at Lange?!

## Brad Stand

* Huckabees cornucopia of stuff we all want. But what happened to the gazelles? Were they squashed under the CD department?
* How am I not myself? [repeated]
* Do I benefit from getting some great P.R. For Huckabees when we need it? Absolutely. But do I care about saving the open spaces? Yes, I do!
* Shania hates mayo, alright, and she can't eat chicken salad, that's no joke. We gave it to her once, she threw up in the limo - the lady hates chicken salad. So I bring out a bunch of tuna fish sandwiches - she still doesn't believe me - I say, Shania, I'm allergic to mayo - which, by the way, is a lie. Shania still doesn't believe me so I eat two of the sandwiches in front of her to prove it. So she eats one and a half sandwiches, one and a half sandwiches... before she realizes, its chicken salad. And she liked them!
* Shania cares!
* Why is marriage and kids so important? I mean, there's an overpopulation problem!
* [after Caterine snaps a photo of his sobbing] NOBODY SEES THAT PICTURE!!!
* Did you see that? Shania knew who I was.

## Bernard Jaffe

* When you get the blanket thing you can relax because everything you could ever want or be you already have and are.
* There is no such thing as you or me,
* There's no such thing as nothing. nnn
* There is no remainder in the mathematics of Infinity.
* Say this blanket represents all the matter and energy in the universe, okay? This is me, this is you, And over here, this is the Eiffel Tower, right, it's Paris!
* No time for infinity? Gotta piece together a theory?
* Your mind is always occupied on something...so it may as well be something helpful, like Mrs. Shermer, or the blanket.
* The universe is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere.

## Dawn Campbell

* I'm in my tree talking to the Dixie Chicks and they're making me feel better.
* Wake up, pretty girl, the joke is on you!
* Fuckabees!
* [emotionless] These are the best tops around. Last time, last year - not so good. [suddenly fervent] But now, this is the truth!
* You can't deal with my infinite nature, can you?
* There's glass between us
* Do you love me? Even in my bonnet?

## Others

* Caterine Vauban: It's painful enough to feel sad, but on top of it... to feel embarrassed for feeling, that's the killer!
* Caterine Vauban: It is inevitable to be drawn back into human drama.
* Shania Twain: I eat Tofu Tuna, Brad!
* Vivian Jaffe: Come, join us for mancala hour. Arriba!
* Mrs. Silver: God, what are you, a bitch? You're a bitch! How many kids do you have, bitch?

## Dialogue

    Vivian Jaffe: Have you ever transcended space and time?
    Albert Markovski: Yes. No. Uh...time, not space. No, I have no idea what you're talking about.
    Albert Markovski: The interconnection thing is definitely for real.
    Tommy Corn: It is! I didn't think it wasn't! It is!
    Albert Markovski: I know, I can't believe it, it's so fantastic!
    Tommy Corn: It's amazing!
    Albert Markovski: I know.
    Tommy Corn: But it's also nothing special
    Albert Markovski: Yeah, because it grows from the manure of human troubles.
    Mr. Hooten: What happened to the cat, Albert?
    Albert Markovski: [alarmed] How'd you know about my cat?
    Mr. Hooten: The cat was killed by curiosity.
    Albert Markovski: Oh, that cat.
    Mrs. Hooten: Albert, what brought you to the philosophical club?
    Albert Markovski: You mean the existential detectives?
    Mr. Hooten: Sounds like a support group.
    Cricket: Why can't he use the church?
    Mrs. Hooten: Sometimes people have additional questions to be answered.
    Cricket: Like what?
    Albert Markovski: Well, um, for instance - if the forms of this world die, which is more real: the me that dies or the me that's infinite? Can I trust my habitual mind or do I need to learn to look beneath those things?
    Tommy Corn: What are you doing tomorrow?
    Albert Markovski: I was thinking about chaining myself to a bulldozer. Do you want to come?
    Tommy Corn: What time?
    Albert Markovski: Mm... one, one-thirty.
    Tommy Corn: Sounds good. Should I bring my own chains?
    Albert Markovski: We always do.
    Vivian Jaffe: Why don't you just tell me what your situation is?
    Albert Markovski: Look, I'm not really sure I know exactly what you guys do around here, all right?
    Vivian Jaffe: Well, we'll investigate and solve your case.
    Albert Markovski: How?
    Vivian Jaffe: If you sign a contract we'll follow you.
    Albert Markovski: You'll spy?
    Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
    Albert Markovski: On me?
    Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
    Albert Markovski: Will you be spying on me in the bathroom?
    Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
    Albert Markovski: In the bathroom?
    Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
    Albert Markovski: Why?
    Vivian Jaffe: There's nothing too small. You know when police find the slightest piece of DNA and build a case on it? If we might see you floss or masturbate that could be the key to your entire reality.
    Mrs. Hooten: So Tommy, what do you do?
    Tommy Corn: I'm a firefighter.
    Mrs. Hooten: God bless you! You're a hero.
    Tommy Corn: I'm no hero. We'd all be heroes if we stopped using petroleum!
    Albert Markovski: No, I'm not. I'm talking about not covering every square inch of populated America with houses and strip malls until you can't even remember what happens when you stand in a meadow at dusk.
    Bret: What happens in the meadow at dusk?
    Albert Markovski: Everything.
    Mrs. Hooten: Nothing.
    Albert Markovski: Everything.
    Mrs. Hooten: Nothing.
    Albert Markovski: It's beautiful.
    Tommy Corn: It's beautiful.
    Tommy Corn: [after being hit in the face with a rubber ball] Awesome! Can we do the ball thing everyday?
    Caterine Vauban: Don't call it the ball thing. Call it pure being.
    Tommy Corn: Okay... so can we do the pure being ball thing everyday?
    Cricket: Jesus is never mad at us if we live with Him in our hearts!
    Tommy Corn: I hate to break it to you, but He is - He most definitely is.
    Dawn Campbell: Brad, do you love me?
    Brad Stand: I think so.
    Dawn Campbell: With the bonnet?
    Brad Stand: Um...
    Mr. Hooten: God gave us oil! He gave it to us! How can God's gift be bad?
    Tommy Corn: I don't know. He gave you a brain too and you messed that up pretty damn good.
    Mr. Hooten: I want you sons of bitches out of my house now!
    Tommy Corn: If Hitler were alive, he'd tell you not to think about oil.
    Mrs. Hooten: You're the Hitler! We took a Sudanese refugee into our home!
    Tommy Corn: You did. But how did Sudan happen, ma'am? Could it possibly be related to dictatorships that we support for some stupid reason?
    Mr. Hooten: You shut up! You get out!
    Tommy Corn: You shut up.
    Tommy Corn:[to Albert] Come on. Let's get out of here.
    Vivian Jaffe: You live all the time with things you can't see. You can't see electricity, can you? You can't see radio waves, but you accept them.
    Bernard Jaffe: Trust.
    Albert Markovski: just trust!
    Bernard Jaffe: You better stay away from Caterine, Albert, 'cause she's gonna lead you down the path of darkness.
    Vivian Jaffe: She was our prize graduate student until she went astray.
    Albert Markovski: No, I think that I am going to stay with her, and the cracks and the pain and the nothingness, because THAT's more real to me, THAT's what I feel.
    Tommy Corn: Word.
    Bernard Jaffe: Okay, we're not sweatin' it.
    Vivian Jaffe: No, we're gonna work with Brad.
    Bernard Jaffe: It'll all come back to you and interconnection.
    Albert Markovski: Brad? Are you kidding me? I'm gonna work on that prick and it's all gonna come to pain and no connection!
    Bernard Jaffe: No.
    Tommy Corn: It's on.
    Dawn Campbell: There's glass between us. You can't deal with my infinite nature, can you?
    Brad Stand: That is so not true. Wait, what does that even mean?
    Dawn Campbell: Oh please, I don't think of myself as being that pretty. [Brad whispers in her ear] Yes, that changed at Huckabees. You know, I was never the pretty girl.
    Bernard Jaffe: Really?
    Dawn Campbell: No! I just have to keep up with this gorgeous hottie.
    Vivian Jaffe: How's the sex?
    Bernard Jaffe: How is the sex?
    Dawn Campbell: The sex?
    Brad Stand: Come on, guys. [laughs] Come on. That's private.
    Dawn Campbell: That's gross.
    Vivian Jaffe: Our undercover surveillance shows it's been infrequent and short. Eight to nine minutes. Typically.
    Dawn Campbell: Surveillance? You've watched us?
    Vivian Jaffe: No, just listened.
    Brad Stand:[laughs uncomfortably] So your surveillance is wrong!
    Dawn Campbell: Yeah. It's quantity not quality.
    Brad Stand: She meant quality not quantity.
    Dawn Campbell: I know, I was only joking.
    Bernard Jaffe: Were you joking when you said quantity and not quality?
    Dawn Campbell: We're private about our seven minutes of heaven!
    Brad Stand: It's longer than that, darling.
    Dawn Campbell: [laughs hysterically] Eight minutes of heaven! It's quantity not quality!
    Brad Stand: You should see her after a couple of margaritas.
    Bernard Jaffe: [points to zipper bag] All right, get in.
    Albert Markovski: You want me to get in?
    Bernard Jaffe: Mm-hm.
    Albert Markovski: So get in here?
    Bernard Jaffe: Yeah.
    Albert Markovski: What's gonna happen to me in there?
    Bernard Jaffe: You're gonna see.
    Tommy Corn: Ah, here he comes!
    Albert Markovski: Oh, boy.
    Tommy Corn: The man-poet who banged France's dark lady of philosophy. The parking lot crusader of truth... who turned his back on his Other like a cold-blooded gangsta.
    Albert Markovski: What, is it a crime? Is it a crime to look at Lange?
    Vivian Jaffe: Albert, have you ever been in love?
    Albert Markovski: What kind of question is that?
    Mr. Hooten: Stevo, I'm so disappointed in you.
    Mrs. Hooten: It's all right. Look, he's sad. He's sad.
    Mr. Hooten: I'm sorry, Stevo. My bad. You didn't know.
    Tommy Corn: You should be ashamed of yourself.
    Mr. Hooten: I should be what?
    Tommy Corn: You should be ashamed of yourself.
    Mr. Hooten: And why's that? Why would I be ashamed of myself?
    Tommy Corn: You're a hypocrite.
    Mr. Hooten: I'm a what?
    Tommy Corn: You're misleading these children. 'Cause you're the destroyer, man.
    Mr. Hooten: How am I the destroyer?
    Tommy Corn: I saw that S.U.V. out there.
    Mr. Hooten: My car's the destroyer? You wanna know how many miles per gallon I get?
    Tommy Corn:[running away from Vivian and Bernard] I want my money back!
    Albert Markovski: Yeah, and if I weren't pro Bono, I'd want MY money back!

## Cast

* Jason Schwartzman — Albert Markovski
* Mark Wahlberg — Tommy Corn
* Jude Law — Brad Stand
* Naomi Watts — Dawn Campbell
* Dustin Hoffman — Bernard Jaffe
* Lily Tomlin — Vivian Jaffe
* Isabelle Huppert — Caterine Vauban
* Shania Twain — Herself

## External links

* I Heart Huckabees quotes at the Internet Movie Database