# Surf II

Surf II is a 1984 comedy film about a deranged mad scientist plotting to rid the beaches of his greatest enemies - surfers - by distributing a chemical cola that turns its drinkers into garbage-eating zombies.
    Written and directed by Randall M. Badat.

## Menlo Schwartzer

* Good ol' Buzzz Cola, gets them every time!
* I used to want to be like the other kids, you know! I wanted to be a surfer! I wanted to be hip and bitchy and gnarly, but that's over now, it all ended one miserable afternoon: I was having an innocent soda, and they spiked it! And you know with what? [lifts up shirt to reveal a pair of breasts] With a powerful reverse-sex hormone! Do you know what it's like to be the only guy at the beach with tits?!

## Bob's Dad

* [repeated line] Can you relate?
* [having an argument on the phone] Oh yeah, one more thing, O'Finlay: SCHLONG! [hangs up] What an asshole.
* [seeing his son sabotage his surfing bet] I'm gonna beat that kid like I don't know him.

## Chief Boyardie

* I want you to dust the beach for prints.
* Kids, if I need any shit out of you, I'll squeeze your heads.

## Johnny Big Head

* [repeated line] A-bow-bow!
* [after watching a zombie smash open a vending machine with its head] Must be from L.A.! A-bow-bow!

## Other characters

* Chuck's Dad: If you're worried about your kids, lock them up, beat them, do anything you damn well please, but for Christ's sake, don't stop innocent kids from drinking cola and surfing, it's the American way! [on the verge of tears] Surfing's built this town...and it's damn well built this country.
* Bob: Don't think, just drink!
* Sparkle: Menlo Schwartzer was a genius...a brilliant chemist. Talk about having it all: he was short, ugly, near-sighted and carried a slide rule.
* Chuck's Mom: You people are so full of shit your eyes are brown!

## Dialogue

    Becker: Full moon out. Perfect for night surfing.
    Jocko: Yeah, you wanna come watch?
    Sparkle: I don't think that's a very good idea...aren't you worried about those two guys who got mutilated out there today?
    Jocko: Nah, we'll surf around them.
    Principal Daddy-O: What have we here, Chef?
    Chief Boyardie: Well, I'm not sure. But nobody goes near the water until I get to the bottom of it and don't call me "Chef".
    [At the morgue]
    Chief Boyardie: This won't be easy, but you boys know all the surfers in this area and I need identification. [lifts up sheet revealing corpse] Well, there it is.
    Bob: What is it?
    Chief Boyardie: Surfers. Two, maybe three. What's left of them.
    Chuck: What happened?
    Chief Boyardie: We're not sure. One thing's certain, it wasn't suicide.
    Chuck: How do you know?
    Chief Boyardie: There's no motive. Besides, it's impossible to cut off your own arms and legs...and head.
    Coroner: Haven't seen a mess like this since the days of the early Cuisinarts.
    Bob: [noticing bikini babes] Check it out!
    Chuck: Whoa! Wenches!
    [both approach the girls]
    Bob: Hi, I'm Bob. Excuse me, but are you available for dating?
    Bikini Babe: Well, perhaps. What did you have in mind?
    Bob: Are you clean?
    Johnny Big Head: [steps into a driving arcade game] Have to drive to stay alive!
    Cindy Lou: Johnny, you can't: it says it's out of order.
    Johnny Big Head: Don't matter! I can't read!
    Chuck: He's got an IQ of 53.
    Cindy Lou: That's impossible!
    Johnny Big Head: I know! I cheated! A-bow-bow!
    [Johnny Big Head cuts off the top of a Cadillac with a chainsaw]
    Mrs. Big Head: Which car are you taking, Johnny?
    Johnny Big Head: The convertible!
    Lindy Sue: [about the zombified Jocko] Last night he broke into the grocery store and drank six gallons of anti-freeze!
    Chuck: Really? We haven't had a cold snap since January.
    Sparkle: Oh, Bunny, I've never been so humiliated in all my life!
    Menlo Schwartzer: Oh yeah? What about the time Daddy-O displayed the booger collection in your pencil case at the pep rally?
    Chuck: Is he dead?
    Bob: Dead, man? This dude is worse than dead, he's been cancelled!
    Beaker: [cuts into a zombie corpse with a bone saw. It screams.] I thought you said he was dead!
    Chuck: Maybe he was sleeping.
    Beaker: NOT ANYMORE! [maniacally continues cutting]
    [after pulling a carburetor, a stingray and other objects from a dead zombie's stomach]
    Bob: So what is he?
    Beaker: Don't know. Anatomically, he seems as human as you and me. His physiology seems to be physically altered. No human I know could eat like that and still surf. None.
    Beaker: This cola may be causing very serious physiological damage!
    Bob's Dad: Like what?
    Beaker: I didn't want to say it...uh, Bob's Dad, but this cola may be turning your kids into zombies!
    Principal Daddy-O: What a dork.
    Sparkle: Bunny, that's enough.
    Menlo Schwartzer: Enough? Why, I just started!
    Sparkle: Please stop, before it's too late.
    Menlo Schwartzer: "Too late"? That's rich, it's already too late!
    Chuck: What time is it?
    Menlo Schwartzer: Oh, it's about a quarter to-...NEVER MIND THAT!

## Taglines

* The Movie That Gives Insanity A Bad Name!

## Cast

* Eddie Deezen - Menlo Schwartzer
* Linda Kerridge - Sparkle
* Eric Stoltz - Chuck
* Jeffrey Rogers - Bob
* Peter Isacksen - Beaker
* Joshua Cadman - Johnny Big Head
* Corrine Bohrer - Cindy Lou
* Tom Villard - Jocko O'Finlay
* Lyle Waggoner - Chief Boyardie
* Morgan Paull - Chuck's Dad
* Biff Manard - Bob's Dad
* Ruth Buzzi - Bob's Mom
* Terry Kiser - Jocko's Dad
* Cleavon Little - Principal Daddy-O

## External links

* Surf II quotes at the Internet Movie Database