# The Nostalgia Critic/Season 7

The Nostalgia Critic: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
Quotes from the 7th season of The Nostalgia Critic, which aired in 2014.

## Face/Off

    Nostalgia Critic: While you were still learning to SPELL YOUR NAME, I was being trained to hunt actors from The Croods!
    Nostalgia Critic: So Cage, again, with no security whatsoever, wakes up from his coma, looks up the doctor, and of course, all the people involved, and forces them to give him the exact same operation. Meaning quite possibly one of the greatest combinations of all time: Overactor John Travolta now has to overact like overactor Nicolas Cage. Okay okay, just give me a minute! [prepares himself for the incoming ham] Okay, go.
    Castor Troy: OOOOOEEE! You're good lookin'! See anything you like?! You're hot! Wow! Oh, did I say that? I have got to go! Oh, sorry! You're gonna be in here for... [in na-na voice] THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS! It's like looking in a mirror, only not.
    [an alarm sounds]
    Nostalgia Critic: D'OH MY GOD, THE HAM LEVELS ARE OUT OF CONTROL! Someone get me Boston Market! We're at spare ribs and hot dogs! SPARE RIBS AND HOT DOGS!

## The Wicker Man

    [Humming, the Critic walks into his office, but turns around. Behind him is Tamara Chambers]
    Nostalgia Critic: Have you been helped?
    Tamara: Don't you remember, Critic? It's me, Tamara.
    Nostalgia Critic: Hm, Tamara... [thinking] Oh, from the Catwoman review. Yeah, you were funny in that.
    Tamara: Thank you.
    [smiles at him awkwardly]
    Nostalgia Critic: Well I find you disturbing due to your socially awkward silence.
    Tamara: I see you have DVD of The Wicker Man in your possession. Do you know, that's my favourite movie?
    Nostalgia Critic: I don't even know your last name, so why would I know that?
    Tamara: Do you have the original, or the unrated version?
    Nostalgia Critic: [holds it up] Um, unrated.
    Tamara: Good.
    Nostalgia Critic: Why...?
    Tamara: No reason. Enjoy your review.
    Nostalgia Critic: Oh, thanks... I... [looks back and sees Tamara has vanished] Oh, that was weird... [looks around and then suddenly she appears again before him] Ah! FUCK! Can you go that way please? Jesus! [enters his office] What the Hell's going on around here? [he looks at his desk, Tamara's now sitting on the chair] Ah! Will you get out of here please? [turns behind him and sees Tamara standing there] Ah! Horrible velvet now piss off! [she's standing behind him] Get out of here, you little whack-a-mole! [he finally sits at his chair] As if this week couldn't get any more creepy; let's take a look at -NICOLAS CAGE MONTH! [the opening appears]
    [during the opening scene, all of Channel Awesome's cast have their faces replaced by Nicolas Cage's]
    Nicolas Cage: [voiceover] Nicolas Cage... you know, I actually have a confession to make. I am not actually Nicolas Cage. I am Nicolas Cage doing the impression of a narrator who sounds like Nicolas Cage. [suddenly shouting] Is it fucked up?! [wheezing laughter with next line] Of course it is! [normal voice] Anyway, I am going to be starring in like twenty-six other movies this month. If they ever made a live-action Winnie the Pooh, I'd play Eeyore.
    [titles end and the Critic appears again]
    Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it, so you don't have to. Let's talk about Neil LaBute. You might not recognize his name, but you might recognize his movies, like Lakeview Terrace, Nurse Betty, and, probably his most controversial, In the Company of Men. And, if you were like most movie-goers, this was probably your reaction to it. [shows Malcolm, Rob Walker and Jim Jarosz sitting there in the cinema with WTF looks on their faces] His films usually have a shocking, mean-spirited tone that many critics liked but most audiences didn't know how to accept.
    Malus: HOW'D IT GET BURNED?! HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!
    Nostalgia Critic: Somebody lit it! Somebody lit it!
    Critic: And suddenly we are in... a kegger in Narnia. But instead of Aslan leading the crowd, its... [sees Lady Summerisle dressed up and bursts out laughing uncontrollably]
    [running joke]
    Critic: No trucks under 21 on this ship!
    [Ed Malus sees Rowan and Sister Rose and runs over to her]
    Sister Rose: What is it, what's wrong, sister?
    [Ed punches her to the ground. Shocked, the Nostalgia Critic plays the scene again, then, in disbelief, he goes and ponders over a manual. Malcolm walks in.]
    Malcolm: Hey, Critic, what you doing? Looking over memories?
    Nostalgia Critic: No, Malcolm, I'm looking through all my bear jokes. [Malcolm sits beside him] I've made so many. See, there's Christopher Walken saying "It's not over yet, Bears!" He never says anything like that any more. And then there's Dark Heart from the Care Bears saying "Time for a game of disappearing bears!" He never says anything like that any more. [Malcolm laughs] Oh look, there's Charlton Heston saying "I WANT THAT BEAR!" And yet... here, Malcolm, in The Wicker Man, is the holy grail of all bear jokes. When Nicolas Cage, dressed as a bear, punches a woman while Kate Beahan looks on. So what should I do, Malcolm? [puts his head in his hands as if in agony] Maybe I ought to just skip the joke altogether.
    Malcolm: Come on now, don't be like that! You've got to do it. Why don't you do all of them - that way the public can decide!
    Nostalgia Critic: You know - that's actually a good idea. Thanks, Malcolm, for understanding my bear dilemma. You're a true friend.
    Malcolm: Well, that's what I'm here for! [The Nostalgia Critic leaves but then Tamara pops up from behind Malcolm's chair]
    Tamara: Is it working?
    Malcolm: Oh yes... everything is going according to plan! [They both smile evilly at the camera]
    The Nostalgia Critic: And so, the top eleven bear jokes associated with this scene: 11) Waka-waka, whore! 10) Papa Bear says this bitch is too conscious! 9) The Berenstain family says Hi! 8) Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Winnie the Shut-the-fuck-up! 7) The Bare Necessities would like you to get more acquainted with the ground... 6) Gummi Bears, bouncing here and there and in your face! 5) Sister Rose, meet Brother Bear! 4) I hear you've been harnessing pic-a-nic baskets! 3) Paddington told me we should meet face-to-face! 2) Can't get enough of that Golden Crisp, its the golden crunch with the punch! And the number one bear joke to be made about this scene is... 1) Only you can not prevent your ass getting knocked out by Nicholas fucking Cage!

## Ghost Rider

    [opening]
    Nicolas Cage: Nicolas Cage... [his phone rings] Oh hello Joe, yes I'm doing a thing for the Nostalgia Critic. What, you mean I'm not getting paid? What do you mean I'm not getting paid? You're telling me I'm not getting paid for this? [he begins laughing manically and then he jumps right out a high window]
    Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. [long pause] I've heard there's worse ways to try and get Nicolas Cage into The Avengers! [Ghost Rider opening appears] I guess that Nicolas Cage always looks like his face is burning out of his skull at any point it seemed like an inevitable decision! Ghost Rider, based on the classic Marvel comics series, is arguably the fucking-coolest-looking thing since Bacon Roll Demon Slayer. THAT'S MINE! [slams a Copyright on his idea] So how could an idea as freaking awesome as this possibly go astray? Well, get in the writer of Daredevil and Elektra and Jack Frost is a good fucking start. Yeah, the guy who makes something that's supposed to be adorable terrifying and something that's supposed to be terrifying adorable! We're in good fucking hands! Let's finish off Nicolas Cage month with - GHOST RIDER.
    The Nostalgia Critic: So basically, the Devil in this world is... a pretty lame one.
    Nostalgia Critic: [upon the revelation that the villain is called "Blackheart"] Are you ready for this, because it's actually pretty funny!?
    Blaze: What does this have to do with Blackheart?
    Sam: Blackheart?
    Nostalgia Critic: [bursts into laughter] OK, I am honestly convinced, that this was originally a Care Bears cartoon here! I mean, think about it, the silly shadow, the guy with the lantern, the fucking a-bowl, this is all stuff you'd see in a preschool Saturday morning line-up! AND NOW THE VILLAIN'S NAME IS BLACKHEART? FUCKING BLACKHEART? It's like calling your villain DARK BAD or MEAN POOP! I mean with all this talk of fallen angels and such, do you really think this part made it into The Bible? Do you think that was actually the Devil child's name? [he holds up a Bible] Well I don't want to step on anyone's toes so let's just take a look to be sure! [he opens it grinning but then fades into seriousness] Oh wow. Revelations 20-10!?
    [this is displayed onscreen]
    The Bible: And the Devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone along with his son tee-hee, ha ha ha... his son, pwfff, heckle heckle, I can't believe I'm saying this... his son Blackheart, plahahahah, OK guys, who's punking me? Then some other stuff happened that I'm sure means you're going to Hell, love God unless of course He's in an Old Testament mood (in which case fear the shit out of Him) and try your best to make sense of this book filled with inconsistencies. Also try not to use this book about teaching love to judge and hate, but what're the odds of that happening?
    Nostalgia Critic: So he goes back to Sam Elliot, who apparently has had the contract all along, but why the hell should he hand it over?
    Johnny: He may have my soul, but he doesn't have my spirit.
    Slade: Any man that's got the guts to sell his soul for love, got the power to change the world!
    Nostalgia Critic: Fucking-A, this is My Little Pony fanfiction! Can't you just see an episode ending like that?!
    [cuts to a clip of My Little Pony]
    Fluttershy: Anyone who would give their soul for love, has the power to change the world! Isn't that right, Ghost Pony Rider?
    [pans to a skeletal pony with a flaming mare, leather outfit, and a morning star tail, who gives a demonic roar]
    Fluttershy: Right!
    Blackheart: [demonic and dragging] My name is Legion. For we are...many...
    Nostalgia Critic: [imitating Blackheart] And seeing how we are many, we all took a vote to see if we should talk normally, or stretch out our vowels...like DARK HEART- [normally] Okay, I uh...[grabs a plastic jar labeled "Dark Heart Jar] need one of these. [puts a coin in jar]

## Ghost Dad

    The Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I am the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it, so you don't have to. And I am a ghost! Yes, I recently died while watching Ghost Dad. [Shows himself watching Cosby's annoying voice while the Critic incinerates himself] You'd have done the same thing too! But if there's one thing death has taught me, it's that that's no reason to stop working! Just keep going with your everyday life and comedic possibilities will fall in your lap!
    [Malcolm is shown dressed as Gandalf, jumping up and down]
    Malcolm: Sarsapilla my good friend hey!
    Nostalgia Critic: Hey Malcolm when I'm doing my review can you do that outside?
    Malcolm: Why am I doing this again?
    Nostalgia Critic: I told you it's the only way you can keep seeing and hearing me as ghost!
    Malcolm: But there's no rhyme [voice falters as if the stupidity of what he's saying has hit him] or... reason to it.
    Nostalgia Critic: I don't know. It just is! Now get on with doing jumping jacks dressed as Gandalf the Gray while reciting the dialogue from The Big Lebowski backwarda! [He puts a coin in a jar]
    [Dorothy, aka Tamara, comes in, wearing a sombero]
    Tamara Chambers: And why do I have to be dressed as sexy Dorothy while wearing a sombero? Is there even a sexy Dorothy costume? Who the Hell gets turned on by sexy Dorothy?
    Nostalgia Critic: I didn't make up the nonsensical rules of the Afterlife, I just know that if you stop doing that, I'll disappear, the review will be over and both of you will be out of a job! Got it?
    Tamara Chambers: This is a bunch of bullshit!
    Nostalgia Critic: Uh, sexy Dorothy voice!
    Tamara Chambers: Golly gee, Mr Critic, this is some bullshit!
    Nostalgia Critic: It's a small price to pay to be in the world of the living. Now be off with you. The dead grieve in your presence.
    Tamara Chambers: I'd sure like him better dead.
    Nostalgia Critic: [As they leave] Sexy Dorothy voice...!
    Tamara Chambers: I'd sure as like him better dead!
    Nostalgia Critic: Yes there are a lot of crazy rules about the Afterlife we apparently didn't know about, but that was sort of a thing in movies for a while. Yes, the same way vampires and zombies have kind of been popular in Media recently, ghosts were really popular back in the 80s and 90s. Presumably starting with the popularity of Ghostbusters. After that blockbuster, every movie suddenly had a spook, spectre or ghost in it, all connecting with a bizarre Afterlife, a quirky haunting, or just about anything with comedic possibilities! Well another thing films from the 90s liked to do was to combine stuff. Yeah, because we clearly don't do that nowadays, of course. Enter Bill Cosby, who at the time had the number one spot on the Cosby show for years. He was clean, he was friendly, he was a good role model, and he made everybody laugh. THAT IS, ON TELEVISION. His movie career continued to tank with bomb after bomb as Hollywood seemed to be hinting that unless Cosby can pull off a decent film with the next one, they were gonna yank him as the star of the big screen and keep him as the main star of the little screen for the rest of his life. What followed was a movie career dangling over the edge knocked over by a spit-ball of deafening silence where there should be laughter. THIS is that spit-ball!
    Nostalgia Critic: Okay. Movie, um can I bring you up to date to something I don't think you're quite aware of? Come closer. Come closer, little closer, little closer, little closer. Okay you're listening? You're listening? You're listening? Okay. [Explodes into anger] HE'S DEAD! What is wrong with you people!? Death is not some sort of weird personality trait! IT'S FUCKING DEATH! There's suspension of disbelief, and then there's suspension of just not giving a shit! All of these are just shitty excuses to shove what they think is a funny scenario down our throats! But what they're missing is that comedy works when you can have something that's close to a relatable situation, and nobody, fucking nobody would ever be able to relate to these choices! I mean, it just makes no sense! It's like saying: [Nostalgia Critic then pretends to be two people having a conversation, playing both people]
    "Person #1": Oh my god, America just blew up!
    "Person #2": Well, let's go start making cream cheese.
    "Person #1": [Looks at "Person #2" with confusion] ...You don't think that we should do something else?
    "Person #2": No, the cream cheese seems the most logical.
    "Person #1": [Continues looking at "Person #2" with confusion] ...Well, I can't see no reason not to. Let's do it.
    "Person #2": Cream cheese.
    "Person #1": Cream cheese.
    The Nostalgia Critic: Yes, because that's what the teen boy would say to the father of the girl he's about to get with - Put the bitch on the line!
    The Nostalgia Critic: You know, this movie is so unpleasant and nasty and so uncomfortable, I really am wondering if it was meant to be a legitimate scary film! [He is doing a trailer for Ghost Dad as an actual horror film] What you are about to see is real. It has not been edited or enhanced in any way.
    Bill Cosby: No honey, I'm just staying here -
    The Nostalgia Critic: A chain of events that would never leave those who witnessed them the same, again.
    Bill Cosby: [real slurred] I'm just staying right here. OK?
    [A tagline says: BILL COSBY, LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE, and then a shot of several screaming folks and Cosby disappearing into the night out of an open window are shown]
    [Then this appears: GHOST DAD. COMING SOON. BLIPPITY BLIPPITY.]
    The Nostalgia Critic: [upon the revelation that Cosby was really just comatose] So, it wasn't Ghost Dad so much as Comatose Dad but anyway.
    [Upon leaving the hospital, Cosby is greeted by the mad taxi driver Burch. They both look at each other and scream]
    Burch: I am yours to command, Evil Master!
    Elliot: [exasperated] Go to Hell, and sit yourself on a red hot coal, and wait for me.
    Burch: Yes! [Thumps forehead repeatedly proving he is mentally ill] Oh yes, yes! I am yours to command, Evil Master! [drives off]
    The Nostalgia Critic: He's off to kill a dozen people; oh well.

## Are You Sick of Let It Go?

    [This editorial is sung in its entirety to the tune of "Let It Go".]
    Nostalgia Critic: I Just got back from watching "Frozen" tonight. Not a bad scene to be... seen. The music's so damn awesome, and it fit the film perfectly. I wonder if anyone online feels the same. [He clicks on YouTube] Holy shit they do! Actually it's... pretty goddamn insane. Wow! Look, it's all over on YouTube! Parody songs, and covers from singers, who knew? So many versions here to show Well gee, I got to know!
    [Queen Elsa appears on the critic's computer]
    Elsa: Let It Go videos All over the internet In your face, there's no escape It'll drill into your soul yet I don't care if you've heard it to death Let the song play on... This song is every damn singer's crystal meth.
    Nostalgia Critic: [annoyed] It's funny how this music can get so old so fast At first it was cute but now it's a pain in my frost bitten ass!
    Elsa: Look, here's one that's sung by a bird
    Nostalgia Critic: No.
    Elsa: And here's a kid singing it upside down and backwards
    Nostalgia Critic: What's the purpose?!?
    Elsa: A fetus sings before it's born
    Fetus: Let it go...
    Nostalgia Critic: Just let me watch my porn! [A picture is shown of Olaf the snowman, with his nose censored] EW!
    Elsa: Let It Go videos Consuming the universe!
    Nostalgia Critic: It's like Hakuna Matata But a million-bajillion times worse!
    Elsa: I don't care 'cause I sing it so well!
    Nostalgia Critic: I don't care if you sing it so well!
    Elsa: I'm like Idina Menzel!
    Nostalgia Critic: You're not Idina Menzel!
    Elsa: But wait! It gets even better!
    Nostalgia Critic: Better? Uh... what do you mean better?
    Elsa: Harsh winter weather will create a million memes!
    Nostalgia Critic: Oh, come on! Those are so old!
    Elsa: Costumes from this kid's movie will meet our slutty extremes!
    Nostalgia Critic: Jesus Christ! IT'S DISNEY!
    Elsa: And with the Oscars we'll push, 'cause this shit still sells!
    Nostalgia Critic: The damn film's five months old, move on to something else!
    Elsa: Everything is Awesome!
    Nostalgia Critic: OK, not that one.
    Elsa: Let It Go videos
    Nostalgia Critic: I'm not crazy, this fad is getting lazy
    Elsa: Eating what's left of your brain
    Nostalgia Critic: Turning what was a good song into 50 shades of wrong
    Elsa: Melodies so goddamning catchy
    Nostalgia Critic: I don't care how your kid sings it, or even if she wings it
    Elsa: It'll drive your ear drums insane!
    Nostalgia Critic: I can't hear one more damn version, this song is a perversion!
    Elsa and Nostalgia Critic: I don't care if it's just a trend! It feels like there's no END!
    Nostalgia Critic: Send another, I'll drop you as a friend.
    Elsa: Do you want to build a snowman?
    [Nostalgia Critic punches Elsa in the face]

## Alice in Wonderland

    [The Nostalgia Critic opens his review by Spring cleaning]
    The Nostalgia Critic: Ah, why does Spring cleaning always have to happen after Winter? [he rummages through a box and picks up a mysterious disc] The Hell is this? [BAD HOME MOVIES is written on it] Oh my God...! I thought I'd got these destroyed after Wilsongate - just as well I have my evidence-destroying hammer! [He looks for it but when he reaches out the "White" Rabbit jumps up!]
    [Critic screams endlessly]
    Carrotjuice: Hey, I'm Carrotjuice. Don't be upset; this is the greatest day ever! Let's give each other gifts! [he nicks the disc] Yoink! Toodles!
    The Nostalgia Critic: Hey...! COME BACK HERE, you evil Nesquik rabbit! [The Rabbit runs into a box and the Critic feels for him inside but then suddenly disappears into another dimension] AAH!
    [The Critic groggily wakes up to see a black-haired Alice Liddel standing over him in some sort of underground dungeon]
    The Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God... the maid cafe of the Addams Family...
    Malice: [extends a hand] Hello, I am Malice, are you quite alright?
    The Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, actually - I was looking for-
    Malice: A black rabbit?
    The Nostalgia Critic: Yeah...
    Malice: Carrying a hard drive?
    The Nostalgia Critic: Yeah!
    Malice: And you've escaped from the American McGee Institute hoping that if you bring him back it'll prove to the world that you're not a homicidal maniac?
    The Nostalgia Critic: [disturbed] That's a hard no, but two out of three aren't bad. So, you seen him?
    Malice: Oh yes, that way.
    [Carrotjuice is prancing around like a maniac, giggling and laughing. He sprints off laughing in cartoon fashion. The Critic runs after him with Malice following.]
    The Nostalgia Critic: Oh what the Hell's going on here?
    [There is a tiny door in the way]
    Malice: Here, drink this - it'll make you tolerant of overused cliches ten times smaller!
    The Nostalgia Critic: Hey what the Hell are you... oh what the heck? :[He drinks]
    [Immediately he and Malice are tiny; the bottle falls down behind them. It is now gigantic.]
    The Nostalgia Critic: Hey what is this - some sort of LSD Land?
    Malice: You're not too far off actually!
    [The Critic opens the door but is shocked at the landscape; it is pale gray with UFOs flying round and inhabitants of Halloween Town lounging about.]
    The Nostalgia Critic: Oh Christ!
    Malice: It's BurtonLand!
    The Nostalgia Critic: [without any warning he just cuts to his review] We see a child Alice coping with nightmares.
    Alice: I see creatures.
    Mr Liddel: What kind of creatures?
    Alice: There's a rabbit in a waistcoat, and a dormouse...
    Mr Liddel: You're mad, bonkers, off your head - but I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are! [Alice smiles]
    The Nostalgia Critic: [Victorian aristrocratic imitation] I think what this calls for is a good bleeding - this is what we do with anything in this time period!
    The Nostalgia Critic: Alice, this whole time, thinks this is just a dream. [He plays clips of Alice saying its all a dream] You know, I think there's only so far that you can convince yourself it is all a dream before your other senses start to take effect! [He hits Malice hard on her head] It's OK, it's just a dream!
    Malice: Oh!
    The Nostalgia Critic: [hits her again] It's OK, it's all a dream! [He does this several more times before she pulls out her dagger.] See?
    Knave: I like you, Um. I like largeness.
    The Nostalgia Critic: Wow, Burton's really working through some issues with this movie, isn't he?
    The Nostalgia Critic: [on the film's cliche of "prophecy"] Why do these people just follow what is said "because the prophecy said it would happen?" I mean, what solid evidence does the prophecies have? Who writes these things anyway?
    [Carrotjuice, disguised as Malcolm, is shown in an office]
    Secretary: Sir, Wonderland is checking up on their prophecy!
    Carrotjuice: I told them to check that weird calendar thing I made up.
    Secretary: And Narnia?
    Carrotjuice: Oh I dunno. A beaver shall lead the way for the Bedknobs and Broomsticks kids to the Lion King.
    Secretary: Dune?
    Carrotjuice: A Chosen One.
    Secretary: Matrix?
    Carrotjuice: A Chosen One.
    Secretary: Phantom Menace?
    Carrotjuice: A CHOSEN ONE!
    Secretary: Jesus?
    Carrotjuice: Um, let's just leave that open to intrepretation. I don't see anybody going too crazy for that one!
    The Nostalgia Critic: Hey, is it me or does that guy look strangely familiar?
    Carrotjuice: NOPE!
    The Nostalgia Critic: Oh right - it must be one of them... [he notices Carrotjuice] HEY!
    [Carrotjuice sprints off fast]
    Carrotjuice: Oh happy day, oh happy day.
    Malice: What is he so happy about anyway?
    The Nostalgia Critic: Whoa-ho-ho-ho, wait a minute, movie! So are you suggesting that the Alice from Alice in Wonderland this whole time was... Alice from Alice in Wonderland? Whoa! I mean, fucking whoa! This movie is pushing the envelope of cinematic twists! I mean, who could've seen that coming?! Next you'll be telling me that Clark Kent all this time was...Clark Kent! Man, this movie knows how to keep you on your fucking toes!

## Disney Afternoon

    Nostalgia Critic: Next, was the always popular DT.
    Tamara: Why don't you just say the title?
    Nostalgia Critic: Because, I have literally, 24 years after its release, I have just now gotten the theme song out of my head and I don't want to risk putting it back in my head by possibly saying the title once more.
    Malcolm: You mean, DuckTales?
    [Critic looks at Malcolm with evil grin]
    ["DuckTales" notoriously catchy theme song plays]
    Nostalgia Critic: [shaking his wrist, covered in blood, as Malcolm is shown passed out on the couch behind them] As many of you know, I have talked about this show several times in the past, on both my Raiders of the Story Ark and, of course, my Top 11 Catchiest Themes.
    Tamara: [tending to Malcolm] Should we call an Ambulance?
    Nostalgia Critic: It's too late for him.

## Foodfight!

    [Opening, the Nostalgia Critic enters his apartment sadly, and checks some messages, from Tamara and Malcolm]
    The Nostalgia Critic: Honey, I'm home... oh I forgot, I'm not married...
    [The first message is from Tamara]
    Tamara: Hey, Critic, heard you were going to review Foodfight! Good job with that, man. I reckon it was what the Nazis would have used had they run out of bullets.
    [The second one is from Malcolm]
    Malcolm: Hey Critic, are you sure you want to review Foodfight!? It was the movie that got the most negative rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
    [A new voicemail]
    Message: Hello Critic, this is the Irony Grocery Store, we were hoping to indulge your nervous breakdown by advertising a series of trigger products. Mr Clean, Mrs Butterworth, and Starkist Tuna are all on sale this week - Irony Grocery, a division of Commercial Entertainment!
    [The Nostalgia Critic goes insane and starts cracking up the DVD and destroying it and several other brands associated with it, he plunges it all down the sink then whacks it on the floor and kneels down, crying]
    The Nostalgia Critic: They want me to do that?
    [ONE HOUR EARLIER is shown onscreen]
    [Now the Critic is viewing his phone messages and seems quite calm]
    The Nostalgia Critic: What the hell is Foodfight!?
    Malcolm: Well, according to our research, Foodfight! is one of the worst, if not the worst, animated film of all time!
    [Him and Tamara are in labcoats]
    The Nostalgia Critic: Worst? Like worst worst?
    Tamara: It only came out last year, but it seems to be gaining an underground following at a surprisingly rapid rate.
    Malcolm: If our data serves correctly, this flop could be as popular as The Room and Birdemic combined! It could easily be the next big thing.
    Tamara: Only a few critics have reviewed it so far, which means its potential can still be milked like a lactating Clarabelle Cow.
    The Nostalgia Critic: Wait a moment, so you're saying that if I jump on the bandwagon before it becomes a bandwagon I could be one of the frontrunners of the bandwagon?
    Malcolm: Potentially.
    [The Critic sees his face on the bill]
    The Nostalgia Critic: Ka-ching! Well, if you'll excuse me folks, I'm off to review one of the most popular, bad films of all time.
    Tamara: I wouldn't go so fast if I were you Critic, here's a video of the last person who tried to review this movie.
    [She plays a footage of a bench with a body falling on it offscreen]
    The Nostalgia Critic: Oh I'm sure he's fine. Keep checking those numbers, it's the least I can do for those brilliant intellectual minds I have decided to write for you all of a sudden.
    [After a moment's silence of chewing their glasses, Tamara stars typing again]
    [Now we're back one hour later after the Critic has had his breakdown and is beginning the review after having seen Foodfight]
    The Nostalgia Critic: ...Well it's hard to talk about this piece of shit without addressing its background!
    The Nostalgia Critic: Don't even give a reason. Just use it in this scene where they now physically exist in the store, again adding no continuity to how the fuck this world works, and just throw in whatever terrible, ungodly thing comes out of your head...
    (A seemingly creepy baby and scarier mother show up on screen; scary music plays as the Nostalgia Critic starts to freak out)
    The Nostalgia Critic: WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! [We see the scene continue as Dex and Dan are chased around the woman and baby] Oh my god, I get it! I totally get it now! This movie is punishment for me to repent all the terrible things I've done in my life! All right! If it will stop you from scaring the living animal Jesus out of me, I'll confess! I'LL CONFESS! I was the one who cancelled Firefly! I was the one who encouraged Fred to be an online series! I was the one who told Taco Bell to make a breakfast menu! I was the one who told John Travolta how to pronounce Idina Menzel! I'm the one getting rid of the cartoons on Cartoon Network! JUST TAKE ME OUT OF THIS SCENE!
    Lady X: Run while you can, Ace Dogtective! For soon, I'll have you sitting up and begging for mercy! [Lifts one leg onto the railing in front of her] Excabites, fly! [The flying mite creatures appear to fly out of where the sun doesn't shine. At first the critic is confused, but then rolls with it.]
    The Nostalgia Critic: Launch out of my vag! There's enough fetish fuel in this movie for everybody!
    The Nostalgia Critic: [as the film's writer] And then, the hot furry chick kicks the ass out of the hot dominatrix, all while the men make wicked funny jokes about her melons! That's so funny! And then, she gets turned into an ugly woman, proving once and for all that if you're an ugly woman, no good can come out of you! Oh, and there's, uh, something having to do with Mr. Twinkie, Mr. Clean, and a bunch of other products, but who cares?! It's done! It's finished! My magnum opus for the Horny-Furry-S&M-Cat Fight-Boxing Fan Fiction Forum is finally completed! All I have to do is submit it. [clicks the button then reacts in horror] OH, NO! I just sent it to my big shot agent in Hollywood! I'M RUINED! [His computer beeps] Why the hell do they want $65 million for it?
    Dan: Sunshine chip-slapped her back to ugly!
    Sunshine: Gross!
    Lady X: All I ever really wanted was you! Well, you and world domination.
    Dex: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a Spam.
    The Nostalgia Critic: [facepalms] You know what just hit me? This is the movie that drove Charlie Sheen insane. I mean really think about it. The timelines add up. [Clips of the Charlie Sheen interview as well as Foodfight! are shown, along with the caption "The Sheen Interview: Claims Foodfight replaced his brain with 'cancer pizza' "] He constantly had to be called back for redos, and if you had to return to this for ten fucking years in a row, wouldn't it kind of make sense that you would start talking like this?
    Charlie Sheen: It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children.
    The Nostalgia Critic: Good job, Foodfight! Good job.
    [The episode now comes back to its beginning, with the Critic lying in the waste of the food products he smashed.]
    The Nostalgia Critic: [looking directly into the camera] To all those critics foolish enough to think they can review Foodfight: I won't lie to you about your chances. You have my sympathies. It will not leave you the same way it found you. Its scars run deep. If there is anyone out there damn insane enough to try and take on this film, all I have to say is... Be strong. Be brave. [eerie whispering voice] Beware.
    [Cut to black.]

## The Swan Princess

    The Nostalgia Critic: [repeated joke about the film's villain] ...But little do they know that Rothbart... sounds like the sound you make in between a cough and belch. [He belches] Roth... [coughs] Bart!
    The Nostalgia Critic: Rothbart has kidnapped Odette and has taken her away to the most horrible, devastating... prettiest lair money can buy! Why the fuck does he want her father's kingdom? He's living in a resort by Thomas Kindale!
    Rothbart: Now don't let my little spell make you sad, Odette, it doesn't even last the whole day!
    The Nostalgia Critic: So he turns her into a swan, but apparently only the moonlight shining on the lake can turn her back into normal, he also reveals the confession of one's true love is the only thing that'll stop the transformation.
    Rothbart: What I really want is your father's kingdom.
    Odette: Take it, then, you have enough power.
    Rothbart: If you want to really steal something, you spend your whole life fighting for it... If I marry the only true heir to your father's kingdom, we will rule the kingdom together!
    Odette: NEVER!
    Rothbart: Where're you going? As soon as moonlight leaves the lake, you'll turn back into a swan.
    [The Critic plays a little game he calls EVERYTHING WRONG WITH THIS PLAN IN UNDER FORTY SECONDS. GO!]
    Nostalgia Critic: GO!
    Malcolm: If she did agree, what's to stop her changing her mind when the spell is broken?
    Tamara: If Odette is a swan, what's to stop her flying away and writing a message to someone in the sand?
    Nostalgia Critic: If she does agree, why doesn't he just hypnotize her to say yes?
    Malcolm: The only way to break the spell is a person confessing their love, why? Seems counter-productive to the plan.
    Tamara: What's to stop her from sneaking up behind him in human form and knocking the fucker out?
    Nostalgia Critic: Is there really no law against marrying banished people? Sounds like a no-brainer.
    Malcolm: He disappears in the day doing nothing; why doesn't he just do something?
    Tamara: Couldn't he threaten someone she loves to force her to marry him? Doesn't seem like she has much of an incentive.
    Nostalgia Critic: If he can change anyone into anything, why doesn't he change anyone into anything? He could make himself look like the king... he could make someone else look like Odette... [which Rothbart actually does later on] There's a million ways around this... [timer runs out] Oh that's it. But thank you guys for being so helpful, back in the closet with you.
    Derek: I don't want red roses. I want white, like a swan. / Would you feed this to a swan?
    Servant: I...
    Derek: Take it back. / No, no, no, no, no. Rogers, hold it. Tonight, the music must be played soft and graceful, like a swan.
    Derek: These bowls, they must be made bigger so people can dip their heads in them while eating, like a swan. These floors, they must be prepared for people to shit all over them whenever they please, like a swan. These clothes, we must find something more fitting like- [shows a picture of Bjork in her infamous swan dress] -nah, that's just stupid.
    [at the end of the review]
    Nostalgia Critic: Oh, I love Dr Seuss!
    Tamara: No, Critic, this is Seuss Zero, it has nothing to do with the original Dr Seuss!
    Nostalgia Critic: Gee, that would be great for a review. But what's in it and why's it all orange?
    [Malcolm is smirking evilly behind]
    Nostalgia Critic: [after menacing pause] OH NO!
    [Tamara appears as the Lorax]

## The Lorax

    Nostalgia Critic: [about the Analysts] Didn't I kill you guys already?
    Nostalgia Critic: Wow, that is not the voice I expected to come out of that kid. You know, because, a twelve-year-old boy should always be voiced by a TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD MAN, right?
    Ted: Alright, cool. Hey, I gotta run. I gotta go do a thing. So, I'll see you, guys.
    Nostalgia Critic: I'm pretty sure that's how they did it in The Iron Giant, isn't it?
    [Cut to footage of The Iron Giant]
    Nostalgia Critic: [as Hogarth in a manly voice] HEY, DEAN! WATCH THIS! BANZAI! U-U-U-U-UGH... C-C-COME ON IN! TH-TH-TH-THE WATER'S... GREAT!
    Nostalgia Critic: So, the Once-ler, of course, tells the story about what happened to all the trees, naturally keeping his face hidden throughout the story so, like I said before, he can represent how this can happen to anyone. Anyone watching right now- [the Once-ler is shown as a young man with a face] Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU! [calms down] Maybe I'm overexaggerating. After all, it is an hour and a half long movie, an hour and a half is a long time to go without seeing your... kinda main character. I mean, it's an adaptation, I got it. There's gonna have to be changes from an adaptation. Fair enough. At the very least, they're making him timeless, somebody that everyone can look back on years later, and not laugh at for being so incredibly dated and dumb-
    [The Once-ler starts singing a pop song]
    Nostalgia Critic: FFF- [calms down] I don't care for that. This Once-ler is a super young, electric guitar playing, tight clothes wearing, fedora hat toting, pop cultural referencing, Zach Braff-ing, completely dated product of the times!
    Nostalgia Critic: ...While it's not as bad as The Grinch or The Cat in the Hat, and the animation style is colourful and leads towards Dr Seuss' world better than live-action, The Lorax still sucks, in creating the spirit of Dr Seuss. Instead of being poetic, it panders towards the mainstream. Instead of having it speak to everyone, it panders to extremes that alienate the truth of the story. And instead of it being dark and subtle, it knocks you on the head with its message, ironically making it far less memorable. People ain't going to be coming back because you give them nothing that shows you respect them as thinking people. You simplified it, made it easy, so that people don't find it fun any more. I don't care how many movies you make, how popular they are for the moment, or how often you keep missing the spirit of these great stories, because no matter what you do, people are always going to be returning to the books of Dr Seuss. [He shows Chester A Bum reading The Lorax] Not only because they remember them, but because they're worth remembering.
    Analyst 1: Critic, that's exactly what I wanted to hear!
    Analyst 2: What?
    [Analyst 1 turns into a black version of Willy Wonka]
    Analyst 2: Ugh!
    Nostalgia Critic: BLACK WILLY WONKA?
    Wonka: That's right, it was me all along!
    Analyst 2: This wasn't in your resume.
    Wonka: Look - a popular demographic you can analyze!
    Analyst 2: Charts! I got charts! [he runs out]
    Wonka: Come with me, Critic. This is my Black Wonkavator!
    Nostalgia Critic: Wow - does it go any way possible?
    Wonka: Yes, every button goes a different direction, and I pressed them all, save this one!
    Nostalgia Critic: What direction does that go?
    Wonka: UP.
    [He presses that button, and the Wonkavator launches into the air]
    Nostalgia Critic: [sees some people reading down below] Hey, aren't those the people who saw the movie?
    Wonka: Sure are.
    Nostalgia Critic: But how come they're reading, I thought they were done with The Lorax?
    Wonka: Well you see Critic, that was part of my ultimate plan.
    Nostalgia Critic: It was?
    Wonka: Yes, you were right about Suess. His books will last forever. So what better way to remind people of his power than always showing them films that completely fucks them up?
    Nostalgia Critic: So... The Grinch, The Cat in the Hat... they were all purposefully horrible and dated?
    Wonka: They needed to be popular, so that everybody would see them, but they also needed to be horrible so thaty people would go back to remembering how good the original stories were. True beauty never fades, you just need to be reminded of it every once in a while.
    Nostalgia Critic: [excited] So, for discovering this, I get to keep making all your secrets as well as a lifetime of happiness?
    Wonka: No, you get a button. [He throws a button which says I'm a Smartie at the Critic]
    Nostalgia Critic: Right, thanks.
    Wonka: But Critic, don't forget what happened to the man who always got everything he wanted.
    Nostalgia Critic: What happened!?!
    Wonka: [completely deadpan] I killed him, and stole all of his possessions!

## Old vs. New: Spider-Man

    Hyper Fangirl: Now, with this one, you KNOW you have to give this point to Tobey Maguire. He's the perfect geeky, awkward teen from the original comics.
    Nostalgia Critic: Really? Because I thought Andrew Garfield best played the confidant, jokey, smart-ass superhero from the original comics.
    [Both stop to think for a moment]
    Nostalgia Critic: So maybe neither of them played Spider-Man completely.
    Nostalgia Critic: NAME ONE GOOD THING ABOUT MARY JANE!
    Hyper Fangirl: Um...she has pretty hair?
    Nostalgia Critic: Mary Jane sucks!
    Hyper Fangirl: [subdued] Okay, yeah, she kind of does.
    Nostalgia Critic: Now it's pretty obvious that anyone who can take a story about a kid being stricken with super spider-powers seriously, deserves a lot of credit. And both these films take very different approaches.
    Hyper Fangirl: The original looks at it more from a comic book point of view, over the top action, funky camera angles, and mad scientist stories.
    Nostalgia Critic: Sadly, the dialogue was just as corny too, where the new version tries to tackle the story more like a movie, with more realistic characters, a grittier tone, and a spy-thriller edge.
    Hyper Fangirl: But if it's being based on a comic book, wouldn't you want it to be more like a comic?
    Nostalgia Critic: But if you're turning it into a movie, wouldn't you want it to be more like a movie?

## Blues Brothers 2000

    Nostalgia Critic: [running gag] You got no plot; you got no comedy; you don't even have the other Blues Brother. Unless you have something entertaining to offer, count me the fuck out of this.
    Nostalgia Critic: This is Hollywood Boulevard Theater. It's a good place where you can get alcohol while watching your movies, but do you notice what's on top of there? [cut to the theater's roof] The BluesMobile, and not just the BluesMobile; a statue of one of the Blues Brothers, Dan Aykroyd. They put a fucking car on top of the movie theater! And you wanna know why? Because the movie means that much to them! It means that much to Chicago! It's an incredible film! The music, the action, the comedy, the writing, it's so fucking unbelievable! After they made a goddamn statue out of you, Dan Aykroyd, just make this insult, this fucking insult to this goddamn classic masterpiece, I'm sorry, it's despicable! It's fucking despicable! That's what the Blues Brothers means! That's what they're all about, and for this movie to not even try, not even fucking try to acknowledge what the hell they are, what the hell they meant, is just BULLSHIT!
    [When the Blues Brothers start singing "Ghost Riders in the Sky" a mass of storming clouds quickly encroaches the stage.]
    Nostalgia Critic: Oh, good, hopefully it's GOD coming to destroy this movie, before it gets any worse...
    [Unfortunately, this doesn't seem the case, as, from the storming clouds, suddenly erupt literally undead skeleton cowboys riding unappealing flaming skeleton mounts. The critic looks awkwardly at this and then gets frustrated...]
    Nostalgia Critic: Y'know, I was gonna ask when did they stop making a Blues Brothers movie, but, I don't think that question would be appropriate. I think the real question is when did they ever start making a Blues Brothers movie? What the hell is this? It's not Blues Brothers, maybe it's fucking Claymation's Blues Brothers, but it's not the Blues Brothers we grew up with. This is just dumb. Random, and fucking dumb. It's like suddenly going...
    [A western balad starts and the Critic, with sunglasses, is singing along.]
    Nostalgia Critic: Ghost Pony Rider, Ghost Pony Rider, his head is flaming and his story is tragic, because he never knew Friendship was Magic, Ghost Pony Rider...
    [Malcolm Ray then appears]
    Malcolm Ray: Hey, Critic, Critic, Critic, Critic, wait, didn't you do this joke, before?
    Nostalgia Critic: [Takes off his sunglasses] Look, I don't know the scientific explanation for it, but, for some reason, every time somebody says "Pony" on internet, the views suddenly go up the roof!
    Malcolm Ray: [Awkwardly] They do?
    Nostalgia Critic: Yeah! Watch... [Clears his throat and looks straight at the camera] Pony!
    [Suddenly, the Blip view count raises from 9k to 122k!]
    Malcolm Ray: [Amazed] Pony!?
    [The view count raises again. The Critic and Malcolm stare at each other, amazed, and then...]
    Nostalgia Critic and Malcolm Ray: PONY! PONY! PONY! PONY! PONY! PONY! PONY! PONY! PONY! PONY! PONY! PONY! PONY! PONY! PONY! PONY!
    Nostalgia Critic: [Frustrated after absurd thing after absurd thing in this movie.] Y'know, I'm just gonna try something here...
    [He turns his computer on, showing the site of "Cards Against Humanity - A party game for horrible people]
    Nostalgia Critic: I'm sure you've all played this game before, "Cards Against Humanity", they have an online version, if you haven't, you should, it's fun. Bring the kids. I'm so convinced that this movie is so batshit insane and so "doesn't care what they put on-screen" that I'm just gonna choose three random cards and see if that randomness, that TOTALLY out-there randomness, matches up with the rest of the shit that this movie gives us. So, let's see...
    [He accesses the program and starts clicking, on which the three chosen random described things appear]
    Nostalgia Critic: A one-hundred and thirty year-old Voodoo Witch, zombies, rednecks being turned into rats. Y'know, I'm gonna give this movie the benefit of the doubt. I don't even believe that this film, with all this batshit craziness- They did it, didn't they!?
    [Said and done - The cards play EXACTLY as described in the movie: There is a 130 year-old witch, she turns the Blues Brothers into zombies and then the "Indiana Nazis" into rats. The Critic slams the table, gets off the chair and off screen. We then see him throwing the jacket, hair and tie. He returns as Doug Walker, in white shirt, totally upset.]
    Doug Walker: What are you doing!? No, seriously, What the fuck are you DOING!?
    Nostalgia Critic: Movie, I'm not angry. Well, I am. I'm furious, but there's something I'm even more, and that's disappointed. I'm disappointed in you, movie. The same people that brought us a comedy classic, an icon, something they make statues of, has 18 years to put together a follow-up, and this is what we get. May God rape you with a pickup truck. Slowly. With vengeance.

## Jurassic Park III

    [Opening, the Nostalgia Critic is sleeping, then he suddenly sees Rob Walker as the Velociraptor meme.]
    Critic: Woah!
    Rob Walker: Woah, what the Hell?
    Critic: Oh, sorry I just had a night-meme.
    Rob Walker: A what?
    Critic: Oh, you know one of those things you swear you're never going to do but it keeps working its way into your subconscious and keeps popping up. [Sees the movie disc of Jurassic Park 3] That's... yet to come. Hello, I am the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS AN AWESOME FUCKING MOVIE CALLED JURASSIC PARK! Then, it gave birth to a shitty sequel called The Lost World. And then it gave birth to the lost cause, Jurassic Park III! This is the one that many people consider to be the absolute worst of the series.
    Nostalgia Critic: We see what absolutely nobody wanted to see, Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler completely split up as she decided to have a family with someone else. Oh yeah. You nailed that one movie. That's exactly what everybody was hoping was going to happen by the end of the first film. Just like Tommy Lee Jones splitting up with his wife in Men in Black II, or the orphanage being shut down in Blues Brothers 2000, or all the supporting characters being killed in Alien 3. You made one of the most likable elements in the previous film mean completely nothing! Why don't you just write a big sign at the ending of the first movie saying "You don't like this! You don't want to see this go anywhere! Do not focus on the heartwarming moment we're intentionally focusing on!"?
    Joliet Jake: Bullshit.
    Nostalgia Critic: They also have little to no money, are currently divorced, and really enjoy annoyingly shouting their son's name. [Paul and Amanda Kirby shout Eric's name, then through a bullhorn] Do you think this island is the police office from Home Alone? I don't think you can just randomly find someone by SHOUTING ACROSS THE ROOM!
    [another meme]
    Velociraptor: Alan?
    Nostalgia Critic: No, I told you, it's not gonna work!
    Velociraptor: Alan?
    Nostalgia Critic: No, I told you, it's not happening!
    Velociraptor: Alan?
    Nostalgia Critic: That's it. I'm out of here! [Velociraptor greets him at door]
    Velociraptor: Alan?
    Nostalgia Critic: Will you piss off?!
    Tamara: Hey, Critic, I have a slight pain in my stomach. Could you check it out?
    Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, sure.
    [Critic looks, a Velociraptor comes out]
    Velociraptor: Alan?
    Nostalgia Critic: Damn it! Will you get lost?
    [a Velociraptor-fly is in his ear]
    Fly: Alan?
    [The Critic throws it away and his phone rings.]
    Critic: HELLO?
    Funeral director: Hello, is this the Nostalgia Critic?
    Nostalgia Critic: Yes.
    Funeral director: This is the Saint Joseph hospital. I regret to inform you that your mother has passed away.
    Nostalgia Critic: What?
    Funeral director: Yes. She died last night peacefully in her sleep.
    Nostalgia Critic: God, I didn't even know she was sick!
    Funeral director: She wanted to keep it from you. She knew how busy you were and didn't want to interrupt your work.
    Nostalgia Critic: Sweet Jesus!
    Funeral director: She fought hard. She put up a good fight. But in the end, there was nothing we can do. I'm sorry, son.
    Nostalgia Critic: Well, did she leave any final words?
    Funeral director: As a matter of fact, she did.
    Nostalgia Critic: Well what were they?
    Funeral director: It was one, single, solitary word.
    Nostalgia Critic: Well what was it, please?
    Funeral director: Alright. Are you listening?
    Nostalgia Critic: Yes.
    Funeral director: Are you listening?
    Nostalgia Critic: Yeah.
    Funeral director: Are you listening?
    Nostalgia Critic: Yeah.
    Funeral director: All right. Here is her final word.
    [A velociraptor bursts out the phone]
    Velociraptor: Alan?
    Nostalgia Critic: I HATE THIS SCARE!

## After Earth

    [In the very intro, we see Will's Smith, portrayed by Malcolm Ray, dressed as Cypher Raige and giving his monotone monologue]
    Will Smith: Fear is not real. The only place where fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not, at present, or may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me, the danger is very real. Fear... is a choice.
    [Kneeling, before him, is Jaden Smith, watching it all.]
    Jaden: Well, dad, can't I choose not to be in a Shyamalan movie?
    Will Smith: DENIED! Now get your stupid space suit on, Jaden!
    Jaden: [Getting up, dragging his said stupid space suit] Oh, this is like being in Karate Kid with no Karate in...
    Will Smith: I heard that!
    Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Today we take a look at- [Title Card rolls] GAH! [Gets disgusted and in despair, slamming] No! No, NO, no, no, no! [Sobs in anguish] God, no, uh, no, not that one! Oh, come on, you gotta- Stupid! [Degrades in gibberish until he freaks out and collapses on the table. Then he gets up, apparently normal.] So let's take a look. Something important to keep in mind this time around is that, unlike his other movies, Shyamalan is not entirely to blame for this one. Will Smith's son Jaden was something of a rising star, so, to cement his status, Will took it upon himself to write a story starring his son that would hopefully lead to a sci-fi franchise. There was just one problem.
    Kitai Raige: That sucked.
    Cypher Raige: That is correct.
    Nostalgia Critic: Oh, it sucked, alright. It was reported that this film starred out as number one on opening date, but word had spread so fast that it slid down a slot on the next day, and was so bad that slid down the next slot the next! Yup, the film was so bad, that the public felt a civic duty to alert as many people as quick as possible about its horribleness. But, like I said, even though the movie has Shyamalan's seal of horrendousness, you can't ignore the ego handjob that the Smith family is obviously giving itself.
    [Introducing Will Smith's character, in the middle of a battle.]
    Kitai Raige: And that answer came in the form of Ground Commander Cypher Raige.
    Nostalgia Critic: [Snickers, almost falling in laughter.] I'm sorry, what was that totally run-of-the-mill average name, again?
    Kitai Raige: Ground Commander Cypher Raige.
    Nostalgia Critic: [Almost laughing] Was Lieutenant Manawesome already taken?
    Nostalgia Critic: [After Raige's monotone war story] God, I am so sick of the Shyamalan speak! The slow talking, the blank stare, the fact that nobody ever uses any goddamn contractions... [Several scenes with that specific case are repeated] Now, why are you afraid of the apostrophe? [Points to it] What did the apostrophe ever do to you!? Did the apostrophe kill your family!? [Shows the edited Bruce Wayne's family death scene from Batman Begins, with the apostrophe in it] Did the apostrophe had you co-sign on a loan that you knew you couldn't pay back!? [Shows the said scene] Tell me, Shaymalan! Tell me, so I can finally start fucking understanding this stupid dumbass shit you put in your movies! [Hysterically angry] GOD, IT'S SO TERRIBLE!
    [The Critic rests his head on the table before Will Smith appears.]
    Will Smith: Cadet, you will get through this movie!
    Nostalgia Critic: I'm trying, Will Smith, but you just chose the dumbest ass director that you could for this project! God, help me get through this!
    Will Smith: It's alright, Cadet. I know the stories of young adult books for five year-olds. I know it's directed by the most egocentric flop since Brett Ratner. But you will get through this movie.
    Nostalgia Critic: But it's so hard, Will Smith, you just made it so stupid!
    Will Smith: Alright. Take a knee.
    [The Critic does what he's told, but he hits the table.]
    Will Smith: You can run. You'll live, at least for a while. And die on your bed, many years later. But would you be willing to trade all the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell your enemies that they may take our lives-
    Nostalgia Critic: [Realizing] That's Braveheart.
    Will Smith: What?
    Nostalgia Critic: Braveheart, you're quoting Braveheart!
    Will Smith: [Pauses for a while] The nightest dark is just before the dawn-
    Nostalgia Critic: That's The Dark Knight.
    Will Smith: Do or do not-
    Nostalgia Critic: That's Star Wars.
    Will Smith: Do unto others-
    Nostalgia Critic: That's the Bible.
    Will Smith: Do Wah Diddy-
    Nostalgia Critic: That's gibberish.
    Will Smith: Two plus two-
    Nostalgia Critic: That's basic math, you have nothing original to offer, do you!? You are every wise, tough mentor that has ever existed in anything, ever, aren't you?
    Will Smith: How about this one: Two eggs, a cup of sugar, a half-cup of butter-
    Nostalgia Critic: That's a recipe for cake!
    Will Smith: Well, yeah, I got nothing.
    Nostalgia Critic: Leave the story to the story-tellers.
    Will Smith: Wait, I've got two other kids to promote!
    Nostalgia Critic: [Shuts Will Smith down and turns to Rob Walker] Nepotism...
    Rob Walker: Right...

## BloodRayne

    Linkara: [after Rayne's arm is placed into a barrel of ordinary water, burning it] Wait a minute, was that holy water?
    Nostalgia Critic: Nope.
    Linkara: Then how the hell did it burn her?!
    Nostalgia Critic: Ohoho, Linkara! This is the Stephanie Meyer age of vampires! You can make up anything! If you wanna say water hurts them even though it's not blessed, it's okay now!
    Spoony: Yeah, if you wanna say they in no way can fly, turn into bats or do most of the cool things vampires can do, that's okay now, too!
    Linkara: Oh, I see. And if people travel for miles to see one as an attraction, [cut to clip of Sebastian killing a vampire in a crowded bar] yet nobody turns their head when one is stabbed and violently decomposes in front of their eyes...
    Nostalgia Critic and Spoony: ...it's totally okay!
    Linkara: Now I know! And knowing makes it even more confusing!
    [Cut to a confused NC, Linkara, and Spoony as a singer shouts Uwe Boll's name to the tune of the G.I. Joe theme song]
    Spoony: So this is when Michael Madsen does the weakest and stupidest attempt at the "guard sick man" routine I've ever seen in my life.
    Vladmir: [In complete monotone] Thrall? My companion is gone. I don't know what's become of him.
    Spoony: So the guy just walks in there looking for the "magic disappearing prisoner" and of course he gets knocked out. This delivery is so bad I can't even tell if it's done intentionally badly or not. It's amazing. How could anyone possibly believe a lie so poorly delivered?
    Vladmir: [the same clip plays again] Thrall? My companion is gone. I don't know what's become of him.
    Spoony: [as Vladimir] Guard, these pretzels are making me thirsty. I don't know how I could've gotten so hungry.

## The Purge

    Nostalgia Critic: The film opens with a home security salesman named James, played by Ethan Hawke, driving home on the day of the Purge, noticing quite an unrealistic amount of people still in thir neighborhood.
    James: Getting one last walk in before lockdown, eh?
    Neighbor: Yeah.
    James: Did you do the system check I recommended?
    Neighbor: Of course, no problems.
    Nostalgia Critic: Uhh, if I knew crime was gonna be legal in 24 hours, I'd probably tell my family, "Hey gang, how about that vacation to Canada? Just one of those friendly weekend visits to the Ned Flanders of North America." Though the more I think about it, they may not be the safest place either.
    Elderly Woman: [clip from the Rape Whistle commercial plays] It's a rape whistle...
    Nostalgia Critic: [beat] What the fuck?
    Emergency Broadcast System: This is not a test. Weapons of class four and lower have been authorised for use during the purge. Police, fire, and emergency medical services will be unavailable until tomorrow morning at 7 AM. Blessed be our new founding fathers, and America; a nation reborn.
    Nostalgia Critic: Pfft. The new founding fathers. I'm sure the speeches these new founding fathers gave fit in just as well as the other great leaders of the past!
    Theodore Roosevelt: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!
    John F. Kennedy: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country!
    Nostalgia Critic: Just kill some people. [applause] Right? Right? It's a good idea, right?
    Nostalgia Critic: That's right, the Purge works! Just like someone can take $65,000 and make a film like Foodfight! Don't question how logical it is, it just works!
    Polite Leader: [as Nostalgia Critic:] Trick or treat!
    Polite Leader: Just let us release the Beast on him.
    Nostalgia Critic: I just farted, and it's gonna smell really bad!
    Nostalgia Critic: I'm not kidding, the search goes on for fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes of film with them just searching through the house and us literally looking at nothing. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be scared of? The family are obviously the main characters and they're looking for a homeless injured man. Meanwhile, the Children of the Corn-y taunt them I guess by doing non-scary things which are meant to be scary because they have masks on! [He shows the gang repeatedly making out on the CCTV which IS NOT SCARY AT ALL!]
    Nostalgia Critic: Who spends so much of their time breaking into someone's house for such a weak reason?
    Malcolm: Uh, Critic, you should take a look at this.
    [Tamara is watching the computer]
    Tamara: WTF?
    Nostalgia Critic: [he sits and gasps:] Film Brain?
    Film Brain: Hello Mr Critic, I hear you are reviewing The Purge. I did a review on my projector the other day and I was disappointed you didn't ask me to do a crossover review with me!
    Nostalgia Critic: But Film Brain, I already did a crossover with you! If I did another one it'd be too repetitive.
    Film Brain: But Mr Critic the dirty Brain is piled the film has the audacity to culture the Film Brain society. It deserves to be done. Brutally. Painfully.
    Nostalgia Critic: Why does he want to review it with me?
    Tamara: [whispering] This is what happens when you try and split up Pinky and the Brain.
    Nostalgia Critic: WILL YOU SHUT UP?
    Film Brain: But I just want to do it because I'm so entitled, will you please let me show?
    Nostalgia Critic: I can't do one now but maybe another in the future?
    Film Brain: Oh I understand, of course.

## Small Soldiers

    [Opening lines]
    Nostalgia Critic: Remember the movie Toy Story? About a little spaceman doll whom thought he was a real spaceman? [Shows a picture of Buzz Lightyear] Well, what if that toy was violent, psychotic, devoid of fun, and would stop at nothing until what he deemed a threat was massacred and/or totally destroyed? [As the Critic progresses, we see Buzz' eyes moving and his irises turning horror-style red.] He'd be AWESOME! But instead we get Small Soldiers. [Title Card is shown] Joe Dante, director of such hits as Gremlins and... [Starts showing other of his movies such as Gremlins 2, Innerspace, Explorers, Matinee and Looney Tunes: Back in Action] Actually nothing else financially successful, well, that's depressing, returns to little creatures causing a riot through-out the town, except this time is with toys. This was also one of the earliest films from then newcomer studio DreamWorks. And seeing how they have the habit of uglyfying recent Disney hits [Shows the posters of A Bug's Life and Finding Nemo, and then, respectively, AntZ and Shark Tale], it only makes sense to get Toy Story a shot. But, by no means god-awful, it makes you wonder how a still creative idea from a creative director could get lost in a relatively forgettable script. I mean, I remember the Burger King ad more than I remember the movie it was based on!
    [After a scene with near-naked, deranged Gwendy dolls]
    Nostalgia Critic: [whispering slowly] FETISH MOVIE. What the hell, Joe Dante? Are we gonna have to add Sexually Confused Arousal Therapy to the list? This is pretty fucked up! I mean okay, I can understand ripping them apart and putting the chips in, I get it. It's what you gotta do to control the toys and everything, but... WHY THE HELL aren't their clothes put back on? No, really, I want a reason for that! WHY THE HELL aren't their clothes put back on? There's no reason for these things to be walking around practically naked with nothing on! In fact, it actually would've looked funnier if there were all those strange looking deformed Barbies in these weird outfits as well... but instead, it just comes across as... uncomfortably creepy. I'm sorry, I need a minute. I-I gotta research what the hell is wrong with this guy! We'll be back in a moment. [after commercial] Wow. Apparently, there is an exact term for it! Apparently it's called Justification Experimentation for Serving an Unusual Sexuality. Or, in abbreviated terms, J.E.S.U.S!

## The Princess Diaries 2

    [Nostalgia Critic and Hyper Fangirl are on a lawn by a river]
    Hyper Fangirl: Oh, Nostalgia Critic, being with you is the happiest moment of my life!
    Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Hyper Fangirl, being with you makes me completely forget there's an assassin watching me through his viewfinder!
    Hyper Fangirl: He really does blend into the background after awhile, doesn't he?
    Nostalgia Critic: Like the pecking of Satan's Vulture.
    Hyper Fangirl: Come, I want to show you my humble abode.
    [She drags off the frowning Critic.]
    Nostalgia Critic: You know, not that being kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to love isn't "delightfully quirky" as you've forced me to put it, but how long do you intend this to keep going?
    Hyper Fangirl: I told you, as soon as we review Princess Diaries 2 with you, it's always been my dream to review a bad movie with you!
    Nostalgia Critic: And did that job involve toe decapitation?
    Hyper Fangirl: Sometimes.
    [They arrive at the Fangirl's house and she unlocks the door.]
    Nostalgia Critic: [to the Hitman:] You're doing a great job, by the way.
    Hitman: I aim to please!
    Nostalgia Critic: [sarcastic laughter]
    Hitman: Don't you two have a movie to review?
    Hyper Fangirl: Thank you, Benny. What do you say, Critic, are you ready to review an old, nostalgic, bad movie?
    Nostalgia Critic: Well, given these surroundings, maybe it won't be as bad as I thought.
    Hyper Fangirl: Good, because you're going to need that mentality to get drawn into it. (v.o) This is the sequel to the 2001 hit, The Princess Diaries, reinforcing every little girl's dream that your ordinary life can be transformed into a fairy tale if only you discover you were pushed out of the right couch.
    Nostalgia Critic: While definitely not Shakespeare, even the toughest critics can look deep into their hearts and declare that this film is "harmless."
    Hyper Fangirl: This film, however, takes whatever clichés we were willing to overlook in the first film, and maximizes them to Shyamalan levels!
    Nostalgia Critic: NO!
    Hyper Fangirl: Ah yes, Shyamalan levels. This results in one of the stupidest, most embarrassing, and downright insane sequels to Disney has ever put out, and that's saying a lot, given their lineup! So, Critic, are you ready to enter a world of vagina pandering?
    Nostalgia Critic: As long as I have my penis pandering nearby, I'm good.
    Hyper Fangirl: This is Princess Diaries 2, Royal Engagement!
    Hitman: I didn't know they made a videogame of The Purge!
    Nostalgia Critic: Actually, that's Grand Theft Auto VI.
    Nostalgia Critic: But it's okay, because the queen has a brilliant strategy to foil the plans of our obvious villain and his nephew: have them live in the palace, of course, giving them much easier access to steal the crown away.
    The Queen: Shut up!
    Nostalgia Critic: I am dead serious!
    The Queen: Oh, no, Parliament didn't invite him; I did. If there is any mischief going on, I'd prefer it be right under my nose.
    Nostalgia Critic: Okay, there's a big difference between keeping your friends close and your enemies closer, and giving your bank PIN number to a man in a black and white striped shirt and a dark mask.

## Ghost Rider 2

    Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it - BECAUSE YOU WON'T FUCKING SHUT UP! I mean, my God! Ever since I did the first Ghost Rider movie people have been telling me [Critic's voice turns to a high-pitched falsetto] "Review Ghost Rider 2, review Ghost Rider 2, it's so much worse than the first one!" [Critic's tone returns to normal] FINE! YOU...BARKING DOGS OF ENTITLEMENT! Here's the goddamn DVD, here's the godddamn remote, let's goddamn WATCH IT! [Critic presses play, but instead of the film, Mike J. appears onscreen]
    Mike: Hello, Critic!
    Nostalgia Critic: Mike J.?! From "Shameful Sequels"?! [Small pause] On That Guy With the Glasses dot Com?! [Mike nods] Well, this takes me back... Born in 1984, Mike J. enjoyed a simple childhood of-
    Mike: Enough of that.
    The Devil: Actually, spending time away from your children is not that bad an idea. In fact I sent my daughter on a trip to Texas not long ago. [He picks up a cell phone and brings it to his ear] How are you sweetie?
    Evilina: Oh great! You know, I have just worked out how to cause the pain and suffering of others by only using my mind! See!
    [Cut to Angry Joe reviewing a game on his own show]
    Angry Joe: And that's why this is the absolute WORST! [Joe looks up in horror] OH NO, NOT AGAIN! [Joe runs away quickly as fighter jet crashes through the wall]
    Evilina: Did you hear that?
    The Devil: I sure did, sweetie, you're making your daddy so proud. [He smiles evilly] They grow up so fast...
    Nostalgia Critic: May I borrow a British phrase?
    Mike: Please do.
    Nostalgia Critic: FUCKING BOLLOCKS! Well, some things are OK, like Ghost Rider looks somewhat cooler, but most of the time the editing is obnoxious.
    Mike: Most of the time when Ghost Rider is onscreen he just sways, stands, or screams, and who wants to see that?
    Nostalgia Critic: So thank you... DVD-recording of Mike J?
    Mike: Any time.
    Nostalgia Critic: British twat.
    Mike: Oh, and by the way, look out for the Ghost Pony Rider cameo.
    Nostalgia Critic: What Ghost Pony Rider cameo-? [Ghost Pony Rider gallops over, hitting him on the head]

## Monster Squad

    [as the monsters resurrect Frankenstein's Monster]
    Nostalgia Critic: Great. Now they've all held hands but haven't, we can get onto the Halloween that almost wasn't! ALL HAIL JOHN HARRIS!
    Nostalgia Critic: Something is up. For you see, his mother got him a book from a garage sale, that is called, get this: Van Helsing's Vampire Diary, and someone called Alucard is looking for it!
    Pinhead: [played by Malcolm] You get used to them after the first twenty books. [about Stephen King's cliches]
    Malcolm: Sorry, what?
    Nostalgia Critic: That's right, he wears like a Confederate hat throughout most of this movie.
    Malcolm: Was that a thing in the eighties?
    Whole group: Oh no, no, no.
    [Fat kid drags a picture of a Confederate soldier into his Twinkie box nervously]
    Fat Kid: No, no, naw.

## The Top 11 WORST Episodes of Avatar: The Last Airbender

    Nostalgia Critic: If there's anything "Avatar: The Last Airbender" has taught us, it's that there's a Yin to every Yang. For every good, there is a bad, and it's our duty to acknowledge them in order to keep balance. Considering that "Avatar" is my favorite show of all time, it only makes sense, in honor of this philosophy, to go over what many of you would probably see as a controversial issue. That, of course, being the bad episodes of "Avatar". For no particular reason, I will now duck.
    [The Critic puts his face down on his desk as several automatic weapons suddenly appear and fire over his head.]
    Nostalgia Critic: [immediately after the firing stops] Let me go into a little bit more detail. In my opinion, there's really no such thing as a "bad" episode of "Avatar". Even the weakest episodes have something of value and worth that goes beyond what's presented in most family-friendly shows. But, if we want to acknowledge the best, it also makes sense to acknowledge the worst, so we can figure out how to continually make the art grow stronger. So I see no fault in looking over the - not "bad" - but not as good episodes of one of the greates TV shows of all time.
    [Reviewing the episode "The Cave of Two Lovers".]
    I mean, why does there have to be so much bickering in so many romances [romantic movies]? Don't they know that's what marriage is for? [snare riff]
    [Reviewing the episode "The Swamp".]
    But there's one major problem: you're in the swamp! A disgusting, dark, bug-filled, gloomy-ass swamp! Who the hell wants to be in a swamp? That isn't any fun! Couldn't this be in a nice forest, or a creepy forest, or I don't know, anything but a swamp?
    Do we really have to focus on this world's version of Duck Dynasty? I think we can survive without that.
    The "Avatar" version of Deliverance? Not a fan.
    [Reviewing the episode "The Painted Lady".]
    [It] brings up a good debate about how far does one go before interfering with other cultures. But, like many of you, when you see a big, bad factory spewing sludge, and young kids who control the elements trying to help, I only think of one thing: [The opening to "Avatar" displaying the bending masters is reshown, in a different order, with the opening to Captain Planet] Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart! GO, PLANET!
    [Reviewing the episode "The Headband".]
    I'm just gonna say it, "Avatar". [A poster of the movie Footloose appears] Really? Really?
    Of all the movies for "Avatar" to joyfully rip off, we get a bizarre version of "Footloose"?... ehh..Footloose?
    A part of me really laughs that this episode even exists. I mean, Lord, '"Avatar" does "Footloose"'.
    I don't know, isn't it just a little... "Footloose"? Kevin Bacon?... "Footloose"?
    If you like seeing "Avatar" do "Footloose", that's fine. It's not like I can't see why, it's just... "FOOTLOOSE?!?"

## The Top 11 BEST Episodes of Avatar: The Last Airbender

    [Nostalgia critic has just been attacked by Dante Basco, who is dressed as Zuko and angry about the Critic's last review of the WORST Avatar episodes.]
    Nostalgia Critic: Dante Basco?
    Dante: You have dishonored the franchise, and so have dishonored me. The time has come to reclaim my honor you dishonorably dishonored me with by honorably honoring my honorable honor.
    [pause]
    Nostalgia Critic: Okay, I have no idea what you just said right now.
    Dante: Don't worry. You'll feel it. [shoots a fireball at the Critic]
    [Nostalgia Critic is reviewing the episode "Zuko Alone".]
    Nostalgia Critic: This whole episode is like a movie Clint Eastwood would direct. You know, the ones where you see someone get shit on and in the end, you just say... "Life sucks". But, I mean that in a good way. The classic sort of Greek tragedy way. It's soaked in the poignancy and the sadness of the character. It's like something out of Frankenstein or a gothic novel. The journey of one who's truly lost and society may deem should never be found. Showing once again how the redeemable are not so easily redeemed, if even at all.
    [Dante has cornered the Critic at a Barnes & Noble bookstore, when the Critic shields himself with a copy of "Avatar: The Last Airbender – The Search". Dante cannot shoot the book, and the Critic holds him off with it.]
    Dante: You man! You stupid, stupid man!
    Nostalgia Critic: Here, think fast. [throws the book to Dante and runs off]
    Dante: [peruses the book, still in the Zuko character] So that's what happened to my mom.
    [Dante is closing in on the Nostalgia Critic to deliver his final blow.]
    Nostalgia Critic: Wait a minute, Dante. I only have one episode left. The greatest Avatar episode of all time. Wouldn't it be more honorable if both you and I talked about why it's so wonderful?
    Dante: But then you wouldn't be punished.
    Nostalgia Critic: The only one you're punishing is yourself, man. I mean, look at you. You look like the Karate Kid with pink eye. You're trying so hard to show off the best of Zuko for the fans when really, we should be thankful there even was a Zuko to begin with. You don't need to do that. You're already fucking beautiful, Dante Basco. You're aw-some. You don't need to put on this show for us. So what do you say, Dante? Stop with the Zuko and get with the you-yo.
    [pregnant pause]
    Dante: You had me until that last line.
    Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, that really fuckin' killed it.
    Dante: The rest was pretty good, though.
    Nostalgia Critic: Thank you. So what do you say, man? Can we do this?
    Dante: Why the hell not?
    [Dante and the Critic shake hands. Dante then fire-punches the Critic off the screen and turns to face the camera.]
    Dante: [to the viewers] The number one Avatar episode is...

## Maximum Overdrive

    Nostalgia Critic: Ah. Nothing like bringing in the holidays than by justifying the gym membership in January I'll never use. Ah. A pumpkin hotdog on a pumpkin bun with pumpkin ketchup. Heehee! Though... would it be prudent to possibly dip it in some pumpkin whipped cream? Has such a feat ever been done before?
    [He gets disturbing visions of Pinhead, played by Malcolm]
    Nostalgia Critic: The Hell was that? Could I get any more foreshadowing? The Four is left right in the shadows. If we do this to all our props, they're gonna fade. We'll put you in a sketch later. You're my favourite prop! Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Well, it's the month of Halloween, and you know what that means: Time to celebrate the great writer by looking at his worst work. It's Stephen King Time!
    Nostalgia Critic: You know, it's one thing if machines just, out of the blue, came to life, but how is something as random as a comet supposed to give a soul to modern-day appliances? It's like if I dipped that pumpkin hot dog in the pumpkin whipped cream, something bad would happen to me... [sees the plate has moved] Which is suddenly right next to me... Which is probably cold right now, so I'll leave it for another day. [Looks as a mysterious gloved hand pushes the plate closer to him] Or, maybe I'll eat it today. [Gloved hand pats the table.] After the review? [Gloved hand motions for him to continue.] While talking about the cinematic version of Stephen King playing with his Happy Wheels! [Two gloved hands applaud as the Nostalgia Critic begins dipping the hot dog into the cream saucer] Thanks, disembodied hand of whose origin I know not! [An explosion happens] What the Hell?
    [The trucks are circling the gas station]
    Nostalgia Critic: Nothing more frightening than delivery trucks playing Ring Around the Pussies.
    Trucks: [Singing to the tune of Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush"] Here we go round the idiot stop.
    It's loaded with fops,
    whose IQs have dropped.
    I think you'll need some peppermint schnapps
    to get through this damn movie.
    Nostalgia Critic: So only NOW do they decide to figure out a plan to take these suckers out and leave!
    Billy: Woah, woah, cool it, Champ! Little Peep business to take care of. Something you wouldn't understand. Now when I say run, you run, OK?
    Nostalgia Critic: [As M247 Mule] Uh, I know we don't have ears but we've clearly established I can hear you guys. It's the same volume you were speaking to me just a minute ago- [Billy plants a grenade onto the gun, causing it to spin around and fire wildly] WOAH, MY GOD, AM I THIS EASY TO TAKE OUT!? YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! I'VE BEEN FUCKING FOILED BY USER FRIENDLINESS!
    [The M247 Mule explodes]
    Pinhead: Its natural enemy is the Turtle and of course you find out that Master Splinter raised them...

## Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

    Jake: Tell her, mom! Santa Clause is real.
    Jake's mum: Well... there's no easy answer. Uh, historically there was a Saint Nick, who with a loving heart, filled children's shoes with gifts of all sorts. So, Santa today represents the true meaning of Christmas: giving to others. [Which is actually a fair point, but the Critic doesn't seem to think so]
    Nostalgia Critic: See that's funny because, um, I'm pretty sure you want to get across the impression that Santa exists in this world, seeing how it's called Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer, and you literally just dashed this kid's dreams by bringing up your Saint Nick stuff. We're in it for four fucking minutes and already you have no idea what your mythology is! Kinda shatters the illusion, doesn't it? I don't think the other stories would hold up so well if they were as inconsistent with their world!
    [cut to the opening of Fellowship of the Ring]
    Narrator: And so three rings were given to the Elves (who are cookie makers led by Will Ferrell). Seven to the Dwarves (who are best known for their harmonizing). [Next the nine human kings are shown.] And the nine were given to... uh, I don't know, there's no easy answer. But there's a wizard who works at Hogwarts and a little person who lives with the Lannisters! And now if you excuse me, I'm off to eat lunch. Mmmm, that's not good caring!
    Narrator: And that's me. Jake Spankenheimer.
    Nostalgia Critic: "Spankenheimer"? That sounds like a German porno that takes place in an S&M dungeon! [In German accent] Guten tag, I am Spankenheimer. Und this is my lover, Fuck Ficknuggen.
    Nostalgia Critic: So Grandma gets ready to take her treats to the community services building, presumably trying to get on the cover of Mother Teresa Weekly, as the song, quite obnoxiously, sings what they're already verbally telling us!
    Singer: [singing] She'd been drinking too much egg nog!
    Frank Spankenheimer: You've been drinking too much egg nog!
    Singer: [singing] And we begged her not to go
    Jake's Grandpa: Please, don't go!
    Jake's mum: We're begging!
    Singer: [singing] But she forgot her medication!
    Grandma: Besides, I left my medication at the store today!
    Singer: [singing] and she staggered out the door into the snow.
    [cut to the Critic sighing as the narrator sings to the tune of "Hark, the Herald Angels sing"]
    Singer: [singing] Critic didn't like this part.
    Nostalgia Critic: I don't like this part!
    Singer: [singing] Should we also dictate farts?
    Nostalgia Critic: What, are we also gonna dictate farts?
    Singer: [singing] It makes no-
    Nostalgia Critic: What the hell are you doing?
    Singer: [singing] I'm singing what you are saying.
    Nostalgia Critic: Why? It's like putting the Adam West theme in The Dark Knight. There's no reason for it!
    Singer: [singing] Well, they're good enough on their own. All we've got's a grandMILF to bone.
    Nostalgia Critic: WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO MAKE OLD LADIES HOT!?
    Singer: [singing] WE have issues-
    Nostalgia Critic: OK, forget it! [Rubs his forehead] What was I hoping to accomplish talking to you?
    Female cop: Better get looking for the old broad.
    Nostalgia Critic: Wait a minute! Did she just say "looking for the old broad"?! [scene replays] What the hell kind of family special is this?! Somehow, I get the feeling the original song didn't have such choice lyrics! [to the tune of the titular song] The old broad got run over by a reindeer / Lousy bitch was blind as a one-eyed whore! CUT! Cut, cut, cut!
    Nostalgia Critic: So, all the Whos in Who-The-Fuck-Greenlit-Thisville gather around to see the reunion of Jake and his Grandma. But Grandma still has amnesia.
    Jake: It's me, Jake! Don't you remember?
    Grandma: Ehh... No! Nothing!
    Nostalgia Critic: Show her her tweety bird! That'll jog her memory!
    Mel: All right, I admit it! I hid the note!
    Jake: And?
    Mel: And, I made Grandpa sign over his rights to the store!
    Jake: And?
    Mel: I'm behind this evil trial.
    Jake: And?
    Mel: And I hate the goody-goody feelings of Christmas!
    Nostalgia Critic: Wow! Saying the word "and" really seems to be the ultimate truth serum!
    [He dubs over the scene]
    Jake: And?
    Mel: And I got a sex change when I was 20!
    Jake: And?
    Mel: And I'm responsible for killing JFK!
    Jake: And?
    Mel: And I like scheisse with puppies, while shoving candy corn up my anus, and licking lollipops made out of the flavored tears of orphaned children!
    Jake: And?
    Nostalgia Critic: STOP!

## Forest Warrior

    [The Nostalgia Critic is reading his movie notes and frowning; then suddenly Film Brain jumps right up creepily at the camera]
    Film Brain: [evil smile] Hello, Critic!
    Nostalgia Critic: Oh, hello Film Brain.
    Film Brain: [confused] I mean, why aren't you afraid? I mean, this is supposed to be our crossover review, and...
    Nostalgia Critic: I know, I know, just give me a second...
    Film Brain: But we've been building this up for years! You know how this goes. You act all afraid, now I'm all creepy and hilarity ensues.
    Nostalgia Critic: I know, I just need to figure something out.
    Film Brain: I have spent months writing our comedic banter. [Picks up remote] I even wrote a song about why you should join me! [song] And I think you should do a crossover, or I'll kill you!
    Nostalgia Critic: But this is more important right now...
    Film Brain: What is it?
    Nostalgia Critic: [sighs] You know how we're reviewing a Chuck Norris movie today.
    Kid: [very stupidly] What's shape-shifting?
    Film Brain: Well I'll give you a clue... it's in the fucking word!
    Nostalgia Critic: [as the mountain] Sorry kid, but I'm a mountain. I'm just kind of stuck here...

## A Christmas Story 2

    [Movie Recipes with special guest Jeremy of CinemaSins]
    Nostalgia Critic: Today, we're gonna show you how to make "Christmas Story 2" eggnog.
    CinemaSins Jeremy: [voiceover] Start off by finding the most classic and beloved Christmas treat you can imagine, then pour only a drop of it into your blender. Because even though it was perfect the way it was, we need to needlessly update it despite the fact nobody asked us to.
    Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] Next you want to put in a vegan hotdog because clearly there's no meat in this product whatsoever.
    CinemaSins Jeremy: After that, you want to find a drumstick that's been needlessly used for slapping. Renditions of classics often contain a lot of unnecessary slapstick.
    Nostalgia Critic: What's that? You didn't laugh at that joke? Well then, clearly, we're making the right recipe.
    CinemaSins Jeremy: Naturally, you're gonna need stars. Look deep into the back of your fridge for the leftover star fruit that's expired way past its prime. It hasn't aged well and you probably forgot it even existed. But it was cheap and available and that's all that really matters.
    Nostalgia Critic: Finally, water it down as much as you can so you can't even recognize what is was originally trying to replicate in the first place.
    CinemaSins Jeremy: Blend whatever charm it had left into a creamy liquid, ready to be pointlessly forced down your throat.
    Nostalgia Critic: Be sure it's poured into a glass that looks festive and tasteful, deceiving you into what you're about to subject yourself to.
    CinemaSins Jeremy: Finally, garnish with a lit cigarette, and enjoy.
    [they both take a sip, vomit straight away in the kitchen sink]
    CinemaSins Jeremy: Well, what other reaction would you would've expected?
    Nostalgia Critic: Why the hell have we tried to kill A Christmas Story the past ten years? Remember when it used to be that little film that not too many people knew about, so you kind of shared it in the hopes that it would get more attention? And then it somehow ridiculously backfired to a point where now it gets too much fucking attention as a goddamn enterprise? I suppose in many respects, this is expected, but by God, they just market it in the most obnoxious way! There's never a sense that the advertisers are doing this because they like the movie. It's so obvious they're doing it because it's popular and will make a quick buck. Even if that is the reason behind it, you're not supposed to be so lazily blatant about it.
    Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, Ralphie fetishizes more at school about his millennial girlfriend, and just tell me he doesn't up the creepiness in this scene.
    [Ralphie is banging his cymbals too enthusiastically]
    Narrator: For 45 minutes, twice a week, Drusilla and I could be together, close enough to smell her lavender scented shampoo. [Ralphie takes a big inhale of Drusilla's hair]
    Nostalgia Critic: Oh, yeah, that's definitely going on the counter. [The Perverted Ralphie Counter goes from 1 to 2]
    Narrator: Someday, my beauty, there'll be a veil upon that hair, and I'll lift it so our lips can meet as they pronounce us man and wife. [Ralphie goes out of control with his cymbals and acts like he's having an orgasm]
    Nostalgia Critic: Jesus Christ, kid! Put a few more on there! That was really fucked up! [The counter jumps from 2 to 5]
    Music teacher: A little less holiday spirit, Mr. Parker.
    Nostalgia Critic: [as the music teacher] And change your pants.

## Care Bears Nutcracker Suite

    Nostalgia Critic: So they go into the room of our sad girl named Anna, and is it me, or do the Care Bears have the habit of helping the exact same looking type of girl every single time? There really is some prejudice bullshit going on here!
    Nostalgia Critic 1: [impersonating a bear] Ma'am, we have another sad little girl on the corner of-
    Nostalgia Critic 2: [impersonating a different bear] Does she have blonde hair and blue eyes?!
    Nostalgia Critic 1: I...don't know what that has to do with anything-
    Nostalgia Critic 2: Answer the question!
    Nostalgia Critic 1: Well, no. She's a brunette with green eyes.
    Nostalgia Critic 2: Not interested!
    Nostalgia Critic 1: But she's threatening others with a machete.
    Nostalgia Critic 2: Away with you! [looks down at cell phone] One day my Führer, we will build the master race!
    [cut to an image of Adolf Hitler with the head of a Care Bear, and the audio of one of his speeches in the background]
    Nostalgia Critic: But the Nutcracker suddenly gets back part of his memory.
    Nutcracker: They work for the evil vizier, who's trying to control all of toyland!
    Peter: Yipee!
    Nostalgia Critic: [beat] Yay, slavery!
    Nostalgia Critic: So the Vizier is trying to get information from the captured Sugar Plum Fairy about the location of the hidden magic ring that'll give him uncontrollable power. And... again, is it me or does this character look EXACTLY like the previous villain they had in the last Care Bears movie? Are the designers of these specials literally given no time to draw new characters?
    [cut to animator at his desk]
    Animation Director: [offscreen] WE NEED A NEW CARE BEARS VILLAIN IN TWENTY SECONDS!
    Animator: Umm...[draws Evil Vizier's costume on a still shot of the "Evil Wizard" from The Care Bears: Adventures in Wonderland and hands it over] It's not very good-
    Animation Director: I DON'T CARE!
    Nostalgia Critic: So the Care Bears find the pussiest train they can with the cubs hopping aboard as well. The Vizier watches in dismay.
    Evil Vizier: Your little wooden friend is doomed... and so is Toyland, and Christmas!
    Nostalgia Critic: Honestly, I'm starting to get the idea they just took the first take with every line on this guy.
    [Cut to voice actor]
    Vizier Voice Actor: ... And so is Toyland! And Christmas! [clears throat] Okay, that was a good vocal warmup, now let's do a real take.
    Vocal Director: [offscreen] Uh, we got it; we're good.
    Voice Actor: ... but that was the equivalent of me clearing my throat.
    Vocal Director: No, no-no-no, we're good.
    Voice Actor: You do realize I want to be hired by other people after this, don't you?
    Vocal Director: I DON'T CARE!
    Nostalgia Critic: So while they head closer to the castle, the Rat King's army gets ready to attack with- [The Rat King and his army are bouncing on Pogo sticks] OK, who smoked one?
    Rat King: ATTACK! GRAB THE NUTCRACKER!
    Nostalgia Critic: [as Brave Heart Lion] Guys, I can't believe I'm about to say this but... We're about to be pogoed to death! As a side note, it's weird that my spellcheck recognized it as a word.
    Evil Vizier: [after he fails to open the magical walnut with a knife] YOU are the cause of this! Well, have you forgotten? I have my own nut-cracker now! OPEN IT!
    Nostalgia Critic: Put my nut in your mouth and BITE HARD! I don't give a shit how that sounds; I'm in a Care Bear movie!