# Mongrels (TV series)

Mongrels, formerly known under the working titles of We Are Mongrels and The Un-Natural World, is a British puppet-based situation comedy series first broadcast on BBC Three between 22 June and 10 August 2010, with a making-of documentary entitled "Mongrels Uncovered" broadcast on 11 August 2010. A second series of Mongrels began airing on 7 November 2011, but was cut short by the series final cancellation on 18 January 2012, by order of Zai Bennett.

## "Songs" [2.0]
### "Pilot" [2.1]
#### "Where My Balls At (He Wants His Balls Back)" [2.1.1]

* Marion: Hey.. Yeah!
* Reach down to touch you, can't believe there's nothing there,
* Wanna run my fingers through your short and curly hair,
* It's just those little things, those moments I can't face,
* Bending down to lick you, just to find a bald pink space.
* Those times we spent together, man they was intense,
* Remember when I tried to jump over that barbed wire fence?
* What about my sex life? What will I tell my bitches?
* That Chico cut my knackers off and left me fifteen stiches...
* I'm in pain, gone insane since they cut you babies up...
* Kali: Or maybe it's just the anestetic wearing off...
* Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
* Marion: That's what I'm saying.
* Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
* Marion: Back here and swaying.
* Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
* Marion: I really need them.
* Backing Singers: Back in his sac...
* Marion: Has anybody seen them?
* Used to be, just us three, now I've lost my desire,
* Now you're gone, I'm alone, but I can sing to octaves... higher...
* Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
* Marion: Do you get me?
* Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
* Marion: Why'd you vet me...?
* Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
* Marion: Just wanna scrath you.
* Backing Singers: Back in his sac...
* Marion: I wish they'd re-attach you...
* Oh... yeah...

### "Series 1" [2.2]
#### "F**k Chickens" [2.2.1]

* Vince: Hold on, I smell chicken. And you know what I think about chickens don't you?
* (Sings) They're not from this country, they spread their disease.
* They look the same and all wiggle their heads when they speak.
* They lay loads of eggs to get free accommodation..
* F**k all the chickens, they're the scourge of the nation.
* F**k chickens. F**k them back where they belong.
* F**k chickens. F**k them all the way to Hong Kong.
* Oh, you get loads and loads all living under one roof.
* They're no good at flying, people know the truth.
* Channel 4 make documentaries with them all the time.
* But no one cares about the plight of the vulpine.
* F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)them back where they belong.
* F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)them all the way to Hong Kong.
* (Spoken) All together now.
* Vince, Foxes, and Badger (Sing): F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) them back where they belong.
* F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) them all the way to Hong Kong.
* F**k (Obscured by the sound of Nelson using an air horn) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of Nelson using an air horn) them back where they belong.
* F**k (Obscured by the sound of Nelson using an air horn) chickens.
* Vince (Spoken): To actually f**k a chicken would be wrong.

#### "What Kind of God?" [2.2.2]

* Dean (Spoken): God loves us all Kali. Even pigeons.
* Kali (Spoken): God don't exist. And I happen to that for a fact. Follow me.
(They fly up to the clouds.)
* Kali (Spoken): Tell me Dean. (Sings) What kind of God?
* Backing Singers: What kind of God?
* Kali: What kind of God?
* Backing Singers: What kind of God?
* Kali: What God allows a child of thirteen to sleep on the streets.
* Backing Singers: Out on the street.
* Kali: So that when I use a cash machine he's right there by my feet.
* Backing Singers: Right by her feet.
* Kali: It's so awkward when I have to pretend I'm skint and that.
* Backing Singers: What kind of God?
* Kali: What kind of God?
* Backing Singers: What kind of God?
* Kali: What kind of God allows that hard see-through plastic packaging on, for instance, printer cartridges and children's toys?
* Backing Singers: Amen.
* Kali: That means you have to get out the scissors but when you cut it, you end up cutting yourself on the sharp edges.
* Backing Singers: Hallelujah.
* Kali: What kind of God?
(God (played by Christopher Biggins) appears.)
* God: This kind of God.
* Kali: Oh God, it's God.
* Backing Singers: That kind of God.
* Kali: Okay man, what's with all the call centres?
* God: They provide a service.
* Kali: Even those ones based abroad?
* God: It's true, the Indian ones are abhorred.
* Kali (Spoken): I'm not being racist but it makes no sense having a rail enquiry line that isn't based locally.
* Backing Singers: What kind of God?
* Kali: What kind of God?
* Backing Singers: What kind of God?
* Kali: Junk mail in newspapers.
* God: Come on be fair.
* Kali: Motorcyclists outweaving traffic.
* God: Yes you've got a point there.
* Kali: People who bring toddlers to weddings.
* God: I shall smite them.
* Kali: Wasps.
* God: Oh why did I cre-ate them?
* Kali: People who read over your shoulder.
* God: Ex-smokers' advice.
* Kali: Overly chirpy Australian bar staff.
* Kali and God: And Katie Price.
* Backing Singers: What kind of God?
* Kali: It is not my kind of God...yeah!

#### "What a Difference a day makes" [2.2.3]

* Marion: The law says today that I can't be with you.
* Lollipop: But tomorrow we can do whatever we want to do.
* Marion: I can love you.
* Lollipop: Oh yes.
* Marion: And you can love me...
* Both: Thanks to 'the Sexual Offences Act' (2003)...
* Lollipop: One day you're a paedo...
* Marion: And you're my jailbait...
* Lollipop: Next day you're my sweetheart...
* Marion: And its suddenly legal to mate...
* Both: Oh what a difference a day makes!...
* Both: Just can't wait 'til the dawn breaks...
* Marion: Right now you can't handle the love of a man...
* Lollipop: But from tomorrow you can give it me as hard as you can...
* Both: What a difference a day makes.
* Marion: One day I'm a pervert.
* Lollipop: And I've still got my virginity.
* Both: But in less than 15 hours, it's a legal technicality...
* Lollipop (Spoken): Actually, I'm not a virgin...
* Both: What a difference a day makes...
* Both: Then we can legally fornicate.
* Both: I'd never dream of breaking the law today...
* Both: But tomorrow it's my right to do you every which way!!
* Both: What a difference a day makes...
* Lollipop (Spoken): Let's elope together. I could be your fiancé.
* Marion (Spoken): Ehh, maybe not....
* Both: What a difference a day makes...

#### "Everybody loves a Lesbian" [2.2.4]

* Cassandra (Lesbian crow) If your uncomfortable with coming out, then listen to what I says-bian,
* Whatever anyone thinks of gays, everyone loves a lesbian!
* Everybody loves a lesbian, honey,
* Norton’s passé, Ellen’s funny,
* Let those Baptists think what they like,
* There’s nothing, no nothing, quite like a dyke.
* It’s so wrong when you see boys kissing,
* But girl on girl, see what you’re missing,
* Lindsay Lohan never stopped traffic,
* ‘Til she rode Sam Ronson and came out Sapphic,
* Everyone loves a lesbian, baby,
* You’ll shout “yes!” during sex and not “maybe!”
* Camp is cliché, Lezzies have class,
* You’ll never find us cottaging for George Michael’s ass.
* So what if our haircuts make us all look the same?
* At least we don’t give the Catholic Church a bad name,
* No gay looks great in a girly frock,
* All ladies look lovely in a strap-on cock…
* [“Guitar solo.”]
* Cassandra (Spoken) One more time!
* (Everyone- except Kali.) Everybody loves a lesbian, baby,
* A muff-driving, rough-driving, car-fixing lady,
* Come on out, join us in heaven,
* We’ll soon be eating brunch off Pam St. Clement!
* Woo-hoo!

#### "My Destiny" [2.2.5]

* Nelson: I'll always remember when I first met my 'Destiny'
* You caught my eye then you stole all the rest of me...
* Destiny (spoken): You are such a geek!
(Destiny is pulled away by Gary)
* Nelson (spoken): It's this week's song!
(Music stops)

#### "Breaking up is such a faff" [2.2.6]

* I can't bring myself to leave her
* Breaking up would be unpleasant
* 'Cause it's almost her birthday
* And some people might say
* I only did it to avoid buying a present
* I don't want her friends to hate us
* And I've only just changed my Facebook status
* Screw it...let's just stay together!
* Breaking up is such a faff
* I can't stand awkward goodbyes
* Breaking up is such a faff
* I'll just sweat it out until she dies
* I can't bring myself to dump her
* Though she really gets on my tits
* 'Cause we've booked a trip to Pisa
* I've put it on my Visa
* If I cancel, I'll lose all my deposit
* It's easier to stay the same
* Than to file a travel insurance claim
* Screw it...let's just stay together!
* Breaking up is such a faff
* I'm too much of an emotional coward
* Breaking up is such a faff
* Besides we've just picked out a power shower
* And answer me this please:
* What about all our DVD's?
* 'Cause baby, I can't stand it if we have to fight,
* Over who owns that copy of The Dark Knight
* Oh, look: 2 copies of "Dodgeball"...bonus!
* Breaking up is such a faff
* I just wish that I was dead
* Breaking up is such a faff
* If I act boring maybe she'll leave instead...
* Muttering:
* Then again, you hear lots of interesting stuff about tax breaks for married people...which obviously is worth taking advantage of.
* And supposedly there's health benefits to being in a long-term relationship. Plus there's a lot to be said for regular, dependable sex...even if it is with someone you find physically repellent.

#### "Middle class is magical" [2.2.7]

* Nelson: Middle class is magical.
* A safe world free from strife.
* Let bad things happen to other folk.
* While you read Country Life.
* Buy an aga.
* Wear a Monsoon dress.
* Get your food from M&S.
* Own an iPhone.
* Watch Bear Grylls.
* Take anti-depressant pills.
* Middle class is magical.
* Drive a 4x4 to school.
* Keep three sorts of hummus in your fridge.
* Make over your downstairs loo.
* Learn to salsa.
* Ski in Verbier.
* Drink too much Chilean Chardonnay.
* Ignore the homeless.
* Don't mind Burkhas.
* Condescend to migrant workers.
* When all the world is middle class
* There'll be no poverty or starvation.
* Because we'll all grow our own mangetout
* And Myleene Klass will the rule the nation.
* Because...
* ...Middle class is magical.
* Join us and you'll see.
* You're already halfway there
* Because you're not watching ITV.
* Yes, middle class is magical.
* What matters is what we wear.
* Let's pay someone else to do the difficult jobs
* While we work on our hair.
* Middle class is magical yeah!

#### "Ugly women are beautiful too" [2.2.8]

* Dog: So Destiny...nervous?
* Destiny: A bit nervous of the other models in case they're a bit bitchy, because I'm, like, so sensitive, I'll probably cry.
* Dog: Oh, no, we're very nice.
* Destiny: ..."We?!"
* Dog: Yes, I'll be modelling with you today.
* Destiny: Oh, wow...(!) No, good for you. Seriously. It would be nice to see some plus-size girls out there! And after all...
* [Music starts]
* Destiny: If there's one thing I know, thanks to Gok Wan's TV show
* It's that ugly women are attractive
* They're just as good as me, though lacking genetically
* With a thyroid gland that's clearly overactive
* Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
* Destiny: They're always sweet and trusting even though they look disgusting
* Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
* Destiny: Don't mean no disrespect when I say you look like Shrek
* Backing: Ugly women are...
* Destiny: ...Beautiful too
* Destiny: Forget exfoliation that won't hide your deformation, girl
* The only way to shoot you is with a whaling gun!
* But who cares who's the fattest, 'cos it's what's inside that matters
* And whatever the hell that is, girl, you must have bleeding tons!
* Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
* Destiny: I'm sexy, cute, and savvy, you're why cousins shouldn't marry
* Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
* Destiny: I look like Cheryl Cole, you're an ad for birth control
* Backing: Ugly women are...
* Destiny: ...Beautiful too
* Backing: Ugly, big, fat women
* Destiny: Just like you!
* [Music ends]
* Destiny: Don't touch me.
* [Dog runs off sobbing]

### "Series 2" [2.3]
#### "Just A Little Tap On The Nose"[2.3.1]

* Destiny: Listen to my pearls of wisdom, girls,
* If you want to get a man and keep him.
* When he doesn’t show compliance,
* Just apply a bit of violence,
* If he’s bad then he gets a beating.
* There’s no point complaining,
* It’s just doggy training.
* He’s got to learn discipline,
* Or I’ll put the boot in!
* If he’s going “Yap, yap, yap!”
* Just give him a little tap.
* Can’t bite back like that,
* And not expect a little tap,
* Just a little tap on the nose.
* Backing Dogs: Just a little tap! Just a little tap!
* Destiny: When I raise my hand,
* It’s because it’s all they understand,
* Men like a bit of tough loving.
* RSPCA don’t care,
* If he falls down the stairs,
* Long as nobody witnessed the shoving.
* It’s not my fault,
* He’s got to be taught.
* And it’s not assault,
* If you don’t get caught!
* If he’s barking like that,
* Just give him a little tap.
* Can’t act like a twat,
* And not expect a little tap,
* Just a little tap on the nose.
* Backing Dogs: Just a little tap! Just a little tap!
* Destiny: There’s every excuse,
* For domestic abuse.
* Just always choose,
* Where you hide the bruise!
* If he’s giving it all that,
* Just give him a little tap.
* Grab you’re baseball bat,
* And he’ll expect a little tap,
* Just a little tap on the nose…
* Backing Dogs: Just a little tap! Just a little tap!
* Just a little tap on the nose!

#### "Immigration Nation"[2.3.2]

* Nelson: This is the immigration nation,
* We actively encourage mass migration,
* Tear up your application form,
* Let the border crossing swarm,
* And here’s how to dodge the legislation…
* Apply online for a student Visa,
* Or get smuggled in, whichever’s easier,
* Then you find a small bedsit,
* And… benefits, benefits, benefits.
* If you’re fearing prosecution,
* Just claim homeland persecution,
* Everybody’s doing it,
* Take the law and screwing it,
* Come and join the immigration…
* Nation…
* Now it’s time for you to bring,
* Your bedridden family in,
* Get them all a fixed address,
* And...NHS, NHS, NHS
* Soon as you are legal aliens,
* You are better than Australians!
* They do it by the rules,
* What a bunch of tools,
* Come and join the immigration…
* Nation…
[Nelson scats.]
* Nelson: So let’s keep that culture vibrant,
* With hoards of economic migrants,
* Who’ll sweep the streets and cut inflation,
* ‘Cause we won’t do jobs below our station,
* Did your social worker mention,
* You’re entitled to a pension?
* Please exploit the welfare state,
* Now it’s our turn to migrate!
* The BNP makes it political,
* The Daily Mail are hypocritical,
* Watch them, when they get the chance,
* They all retire to the south of France!
* So let’s all claim an occupation,
* Let’s all toy with deportation,
* Ooh, is that a new PlayStation?
* We’re off to a sunny location!
* Come and join the immigration…
* Nation…
* Yeah!

#### "Die Evil Zombies!"[2.3.3]

* Zombie Dog: Oh, why am I here,
* In this pub garden?
* One sniff of her,
* And I've lost control...
* I'm not the bad guy,
* I am the victim,
* Intoxicated,
* By her pheromones...
* Why does she make me,
* Act like a zombie?!
* I don't even like her,
* And I never have!
* Oh, what a cliché,
* Besieging a building,
* And all for some sex with,
* A pedigree chav!
* Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!
* Zombie Dog: But I'm not a zombie, I'm quite clearly alive...
* Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!
* Zombie Dog: I'm just a romantic with a monster sex drive!
* Who just wants your love but wants to survive...!
* Zombie Dog: Now they've killed Derek,
* He was my best friend,
* They used his own arm,
* To beat him to death!
* A father of two,
* And a charity worker,
* He said ger loved you,
* With his dying breath!
* Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!
* Zombie dog: You say that I'm evil, you're the one hitting me!
* Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!
* Zombie dog: Take my hand, feel my pulse, and I'm sure you'll agree!
* There's a place in your heart for a camp amputee...!
* Trio of zombie animals: Come on, everybody, let's do the zombie!
* Adopt a vacant look and lift up your paws!
* Zombie dog: Now you're reinforcing the stereotype,
* This dancing idea is fundamentally flawed!
* Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!
* Zombie dog: In hindsight, our relationship was doomed from the start.
* Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!
* Zombie dog: I don't want your brains, I just want your heart! But love has quite literally torn me apart!

#### "Vince is a massive c***"[2.3.4]

* Vince (spoken): I, Vincent Fox, ...am a c**t.
* [Music starts.]
* Vince: From Millwall to the Albert Dock, there's one thing plain to see,
* In this entire borough there's no bastard bad as me.
* I guess it ain't a huge surprise that I have got no friends,
* Nelson: Well it was you that had your stag do ethnically cleansed.
* Vince: When I was a little cub my grandma said to me...
* Vince's grandmother (in a flashback): Please, son, put the gun down, you can have all my money!
* Vince: Silly cow, she kept her savings underneath the bed,
* So I nicked her f**king pension book and shot her in the head!
* Cat: He robbed me!
* Beagle Dog: Knifed me!
* Bulldog: Shot me!
* Chihuahua: He poured acid down my front!
* Rottweiler: He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt!
* Chimpanzee: He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt!
* All: I think that we all agree he is a massive-
* Nelson [interrupting]: Um diddle, um diddle um diddle ai! Um diddle, um diddle um diddle um...
* Um diddle, um diddle um diddle ai! Um diddle, um diddle um diddle um!
* Vince: You've got to give me credit, though, for keeping our streets clean,
* I'm on the Atkins Diet so I'm eating tramps and queens!
* Nelson: Why don't you join the BNP? I think you'd fit in fine.
* Vince: You must be f**king joking- I know where to draw the line!
* Cat: He robbed me!
* Beagle Dog: Knifed me!
* Bulldog: Shot me!
* Chihuahua: He poured acid down my front!
* Rottweiler: He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt!
* Chimpanzee: He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt!
* All: I think that we all agree he is a massive-
* Nelson [interrupting]: Um diddle, um diddle um diddle ai! Um diddle, um diddle um diddle um...
* Vince [to Penny]: Remember when we first met on that night out in the park...
* Penny: You were so romantic, I just felt an instant spark...
* Vince: If I'm being honest, that spark was a taser gun,
* I knocked you unconscious and then I had my bit of fun!
* Cat: He robbed me!
* Beagle Dog: Knifed me!
* Bulldog: Shot me!
* Chihuahua: He poured acid down my front!
* Rottweiler: He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt!
* Chimpanzee: He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt!
* All: I think that we all agree he is a massive -
* Woooaaaaaaaah...............!
* All: He robbed me! Knifed me! Shot me! He poured acid down my front!
* He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt!
* Nelson: He anally invaded me as a publicity stunt!
* All: I think that we all agree he….is….a….mass....ive
* C***********....**********T!!
* Vince: I'm a c**t

#### "I'm Gonna Murder Justin Bieber"[2.3.5]

* Robert (speaking) : Okay, I’ve got a little musical number that might just fit the bill.
* [Music starts.]
* Robert: What was wrong with the good old days?
* Why does everything have to change?
* I much preferred the way things were before…
* When Britain really had got talent,
* And Justin frigging Bieber hadn’t,
* Brought his insipid music to our shore…
* Could you even name one of his songs?
* The self-important little diva…
* Gonna take a pick-axe to his pretty face,
* I’m gonna murder Justin Bieber…
* It’s easy to sing in perfect time,
* When all you ever do is mime,
* Thanks for destroying music, Simon Cowell…
* Every pop star looks like each other,
* Is that Zack Efron or a Jonas Brother?
* Either way they should be disembowelled…
* I’m gonna kidnap all the kids from Glee,
* And shatter all their femurs,
* But before he releases one more song,
* I’m gonna murder Justin Bieber…
* So I’m sticking with my record stylus,
* ‘Cos you can’t buy vinyl Miley Cyrus,
* That bitch deserves a flesh eating virus…
* Yeah…!
* I’m gonna butcher Joe McElderry,
* With a blunt meat cleaver…
* And they’ll auto-tune his final scream,
* When I murder Justin Bieber…
* I’m gonna murder Justin Bieber…

#### "Smoking Makes You Look 'Cool'"[2.3.6]

* Marion (spoken): Ah, my boy- so much you have to learn.
* [Music starts.]
* Marion (singing): Uh-huh, uh-huh, yes...
* Since I wasn't around when you were a kitten,
* Here's a father's advice, make sure you listen.
* You have to go to university,
* Take media studies, it's a useful degree,
* Sniff loads of glue, the feeling's incredible,
* And never wear condoms, they make sex terrible,
* Backing Singers: Forget what they tell you at school,
* Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, yes...
* Backing Singers: Smoking makes you look cool.
* Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, light up...
* Marion: Keep your pin number simple, like 1-2-3-4,
* I have mine tattooed on my paw,
* If a Nigerian Prince ever e-mails,
* Send him your bank account details,
* Instead of a job, play internet poker,
* But never forget, you gots to be smoker.
* Backing Singers: Forget what they tell you at school,
* Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, light up...
* Backing Singers: Smoking makes you look cool.
* Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, light up...
* Always accept lifts from strangers,
* Hitchhiking’s free with very few dangers!
* (Marion): Send stuff to newspapers while you’re hammered,
* They published my cartoon of Prophet Muhammad.
* (Backing Singers): Forget what they tell you at school…
* (Marion): Join new religion when you are pissed…
* (Backing Singers): Smoking makes you look cool.
* (Marion): This is why I am Scientologist.
* (Backing Singers): Forget what they tell you at school…
* (Marion): Sell a kidney if you are broke…
* (Backing Singers): Forget what they tell you at school…
* (Marion): But never sell a lung, boy, 'cause you got to smoke.

#### "Estate Agent's Song"[2.3.7]

* Nelson: Estate agents say millwall is the jewel of the east end,
* Canary Wharf’s up-and-coming neighbour.
* The house price indices have all gone up and bucked the trend,
* And the amenities are improving every day.
* Besides, no-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,
* There’s not been a murder all day!
* No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,
* We’ve not been on Crimewatch since May!
* Mary (Red squirrel): Yay!
* Nelson: There’s a charming artist’s quarter just behind those burnt-out cars,
* A Banksy everywhere you lay your eyes…
* Mary: Is that a dead tramp lying there?
* Nelson: Of course not, this is art,
* Should be nominated for the Turner Prize...
* No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,
* No-one’s been strangled or maimed!
* No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,
* And you’ll just love our needle exchange!
* Mary: Key change!
* Nelson: You probably won’t get shot; drive-by shootings are rare…
* Mary: But isn’t that a drive-by shooting over there?
* Nelson: Did I mention we’re often on The Secret Millionaire…?
* Yeah…!
* No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,
* Arson is on the decline!
* No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,
* And gang-related deaths are so rare…
* It’s a crime.
* It’s a crime…
* Mary: Where do I sign?

#### "Shit house party"[2.3.8]

* Nelson: Tonight’s the night I’m going to let my hair down.
* Backing singers: Oh!
* Marion: - Tonight’s the night I’m going to get my groove on.
* Backing singers: Yeah!
* Nelson: Tonight’s the night I’ll spray my French cologne on.
* Backing singers: Ah!
* Kali: But know we really need to get a move on…
* Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party...
* Kali: We’ll pretend that it’s great when we’re in it,
* But really we’ll hate every minute
* Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party...
* Nelson: We might be glad we came along,
* After four white lightnings and a Jager bomb.
* Yeah!
* Kali: A queue for seven hours for the toilet,
* ‘Cause someone’s having unprotected… sex in the bath!
* Marion: The girls will find out if they got their boobs out,
* When they’re tagged in the Facebook… photograph!
* Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party...
* Kali: We’d obviously rather not go,
* But we said that we’d be there so…
* Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party...
* Marion: I’ll grope your baby sister,
* In a game of naked Twister!
* Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party-
* Yeah!

## "Episode Dialogue" [3.0]
### "Series 1" [3.2]
#### "Episode 1"

    Destiny: Most people have to fly a plane into a building before they're surrounded by this many virgins.
    Kali: I want to join your evil scheme.
    Marion: Sure, just make a cheque out to Tom Cruise, we'll send you a fact pack.
    Kali: What?
    Marion: Sorry, which evil scheme do you mean?
    Nelson: I'm not a square. I break the rules!
    Kali: Huh. The rules of Boggle.
    Nelson: Still takes guts!
    Trainer: Play dead.
    Dogs: [in unison] Hello. I'm Richard Whiteley. [They all collapse]

#### "Episode 2"

    Nelson: Messing around with Catnip. You've let me down, you've let your friends down... but you know who you've let down most of all?
    Marion: Myself?
    Nelson: The Variety Club of Great Britain. [Cut to a scene where some excrement is seen on a minibus, with children behind a man shaking his head]
    Marion: I made a crap in a sunshine coach?
    Nelson: Oh yes, you very much did. There was no trip to Thorpe Park for those kiddies.
    Nelson: You ate your own babies?
    Vince: Well, you know how it is, Nelson - it's late, you can't be arsed to go to the all-night garage, you ain't got nothing in the fridge...
    Nelson: Vince, you've got Muller Rice!
    Vince: Well, yeah, but no spoons.
    Nelson: Wait a minute. You ate six perfectly healthy children - your own children - just because you couldn't find a spoon!
    Vince: In my defence, they are both rhubarb.

#### "Episode 3"

    Marion: We have to break up!
    Lollipop: You said I was special!
    Marion: I know.
    Lollipop: You said you loved me!
    Marion: I do love you!
    Lollipop: You touched me!
    Marion: Yeah, and we can never tell anyone about that. I'm not even joking.
    Lollipop: Don't you want to lick your Lollipop?
    Nelson: They're not loveable Christopher Biggins showbiz gays after all - they're evil gays!
    Marion: Oh no, the very worst kind of gay!

#### "Episode 4"

    Animal of courage Dog: Target, an urban fox, reddish hair, about 2ft4, answers to Nelson, also the divine Ms Vulpine. Animals of courage do we know our battle plan? Bernie?
    Bernie (cat): I'll get us in the gates.
    Animal of courage Dog: Bobby?
    Bobby (rabbit): I'll... Take... Out... The... Alarms!
    Animal of courage Dog: Vince?
    Vince: I'll get the guard, right, and I'll f**k him up, right like proper beat the f**k out of him. Then right, I'll get my c**k and ram it right down his throat. See how he likes being f**ked like a Spanish choir boy. [Humps demonstratively while all watch]
    Animal of courage Dog: Okay Slight embellishment there Vince, but I'll- I'll let it slide.

#### "Episode 7"

Kali: You're an ironic folk hero, like that retarded kid who made that stupid Star Wars video.
Nelson: Ooh ooh, you mean.... Hayden Christensen?

#### "Episode 8"

    Destiny: So I got a new job. Glamour model.
    Kali: Don't tell me. Bloke in the park. Says he can make you famous.
    Destiny: Maybe.
    Kali: And as he spoke to you, just how furiously was he masturbating?
    Destiny: Kali, if I can get this gig, it could lead to all sorts of other stuff.
    Kali: Hmm, dog porn!!
    Destiny: Acting...
    Kali: Dog porn.
    Destiny: Charity work...
    Kali: Dog porn.
    Nelson: Marion, for God's sake you're going to die!
    Marion: Ah, but then I will wake up in a magical fantasy land, filled with virgins!
    Nelson: You mean Games Workshop?

### "Series 2" [3.3]
#### "Episode 4"

Nelson: hm? What do you think?
[Vince stares in open mouthed amazement at the interior design job Nelson has carried out on their section of the island]
Nelson: Ooh! And I had some spare materials left over so I made you... A hat!
[Nelson holds up a mirror for Vince to look in, and Vince looks into it]
Vince: F*ck me that is jaunty! That is jaunty! That is very f*ckin' jaunty! Ha-ha, now make me a waistcoat.
[Nelson sighs]