# The Simpsons/Season 34

The Simpsons: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 | Movie Crank calls
The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

### Habeas Tortoise

    Helen Lovejoy: I've noticed lately that people have been putting up quite a few little DIY free libraries all over town.
    Homer: [to Marge] What's DIY stands for?
    Marge: Do it yourself.
    Homer: I'm trying to, but I can't.

### One Angry Lisa

    Homer: Mmm...jelly legs.

### Lisa the Boy Scout

    Male Hacker: Attention corporate overlords, we are Psuedo-Nonymous and we have taken over this broadcast. We are the anarchist collective of nameless hacktivists who published the internal emails of Waffle House, and brought Home Depot's 'Find a store near you' feature to its knees.
    Female Hacker: Now we have hacked into the Disney corporation's servers and seized hundreds of thousands of hours of never-before-aired footage from the television show, "The Simpsons". Stories so ill-conceived, so idiotic, so controversial, so cringeworthy, so disturbing, so upsetting, so politically correct, so unwatchable, that their exposure will destroy the value of the very IP itself.
    Male Hacker: Until we are paid a ransom of $20 Million in Bitcoin, we will air these show-destroying scenes one after another, starting now.
    [The Truth About Lenny]
    Carl: No, no, it can't be true!
    Homer: It is true, Carl, there never was a Lenny.
    [Lenny fades away.]
    Carl: So, Lenny was just a figment of my imagination, I...I made him up?
    Moe: Yeah, your psyche created "Lenny" to help you deal with a terrible trauma there.
    Carl: What trauma?
    Homer: Finding out your previous best friend isn't real, it's kind of a thing with you.
    Carl: Huh. Hey, I've never seen you around before. I'm Carl, what's your name? (Steven appears.) Nice to meet you, Steven.
    Moe: Aw crap, here we go again.
    Male Hacker: Now you see we mean business, Disney. You will submit 20 Million in Bitcoin to our crypto wallet at the following address.
    Female Hacker: Until the payment arrives, we'll keep playing these nonsensical clips no one was ever meant to see.
    [Homer is mowing the lawn when Flanders opens his window]
    Ned: I wouldn't mean to be unneighborly but would you know what happened to my old nostril skirt?
    Homer: Mustache, you say? Hmm, let me think? Stroking this goatee I've always had... stroking stroking.
    Ned: That's it!
    [he throws a necklace with a cross on it out the window, angrily]
    Ned: Boys, we're Jewish now.
    Rodd: L'chaim!
    Todd: To life!

### Not It

    Mrs. Gumble: [to Barney] Have fun playing in the gutter!
    Barney Gumble: It's floating. It's still floating! This is fun to me. I love you, paper boat!
    Krusto: I'm Krusto, the funniest clown in the whole wide world.
    Barney: Uh, people who have to tell you they're funny usually aren't can I get my boat back, sewer clown?
    Krusto: My audience! No! It took me years to grow them! [yelps in pain as his body starts twisting and contorting onto itself] I can't start over! What would that even look like?! Dancing for followers on TikTok?! I haven't written a joke since 1647! And that material has not... aged... well! I blame cancel culture! [shrinks away into nothing]

### Step Brother from the Same Planet

    Lisa: I'll sleep when I'm nine.
    Calvin: Psst. Homer. Want to play questions?
    Homer: Okay. Question number one: Shut up.
    Calvin: [laughs] You're funny. We should go out on our bikes tomorrow. I know this place by the nuclear plant that has the best jumps. Oh, wait. Did you bring your bike?
    Homer: I don't have a bike, I have a car. And I don't play at the nuclear plant, I work there because I am a grown-up.

### When Nelson Met Lisa

    Nelson: Remember that principal we arrested for matricide?
    Lisa: [gasps] Skinner killed his mother?
    Nelson: No, mattress-cide. He ripped the tag off his mattress.
    Ralph: The church is eating me.

### Top Goon

    Nelson: From up here the wads look like ants.
    Moe: Hey, you wanna drop pickled eggs on 'em?
    Nelson: Sure! [Moe hands Nelson a jar of pickled eggs to drop on people]
    Moe: Yeah, Duff lets me use their blimp 'cause I buy up all the booze that the employees drown in.
    Nelson: Pretty sweet for a couple of scuzzes.
    Moe: Yeah, it's a big world down there, kid. And when its back is turned, you can steal anything you want from it. [Looks down as Nelson continues to drop the eggs] Ooh, that egg just hit a cop's horse. Floor it, Jimmy! Floor it!
    [Jimmy revs the blimp and hightails it away from danger]

### The Many Saints of Springfield

    Rod, Todd: I found a pregnancy test. Yay!

### Carl Carlson Rides Again

    Carl: Don't talk about Moe's. Don't talk about Moe's.

### Bartless

    [At home, Bart is scolded by Homer and Marge for defacing library books]
    Marge: Thanks to your little prank, 25 library books were ruined. Haven't we told you that books are precious?
    Homer: I'm afraid to count how many times I've said that.
    Bart: No, you weren't even there. I was just trying to make it fun for the kid. You never take my side.
    Homer: Side? Get a load of this kid with a side. [Angrily scolding Bart] How dare you defend yourself? You are the destroyer!
    Marge: Yes, that's it. The destroyer. You ruin everything, even our holiday picture.
    Homer: There's no such thing as Christmas fangs! I had to wear a scarf to midnight mass.
    Marge: I don't have a moment when I'm not worried about what you'll do next. I can't I ju I can't
    Homer: Babe, babe, tag me in. I can take him. [leaps over the bed] Destroyer. Our house is filled with unexploded pranks. Any toilet seat could be covered in superglue.
    Lisa: [enters the bedroom] Bart put hot dog water in the ice maker. He's the destroyer!
    Homer: I just told him that.
    Lisa: Good. [puts the glass on the floor]
    [SHL licks the glass]
    Homer: Ten years as your father has left me empty. Like an orange soda bottle at a picnic sticky and covered with dying bees! I'm just I c I can't
    Marge: Babe, babe. Okay, punishments. What's your least favorite vegetable?
    Bart: Swiss chard.
    Marge: You're looking at a whole lot of swiss chard sandwiches, buster.
    Homer: And you're never allowed to read a book again!

### Clown V. Board of Education

    [The Simpsons are eating dinner, but Homer tries to take a pork chop and Bart grabs it with the hand glove grabber stick]
    Homer: You know the rules, boy. In this house, I get the first shower and the last pork chop.