# Doc Martin

Doc Martin is a British television comedy drama series starring Martin Clunes in the title role. It was created by Dominic Minghella after the character of Dr. Martin Bamford in the 2000 comedy film Saving Grace. The show is set in the fictional seaside village of Portwenn and filmed on location in the village of Port Isaac, Cornwall, United Kingdom, with most interior scenes shot in a converted local barn. Five series aired between 2004 and 2011, together with a feature-length special that aired on Christmas Day 2006.

## Series 1
### Going Bodmin [1.01]

    Louisa Glasson, to Martin after being watched by him: You've got a problem. (Switches seats.)
    Louisa Glasson: You cross the line just once in Portwenn and ... will you stop that?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Is the vision a little blurred in that eye?
    Louisa Glasson: Yes.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Hmm. Fixed and semi-dilated pupil. Bit of pain?
    Louisa Glasson: Sometimes. What?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It's acute glaucoma.
    Louisa Glasson: You're kidding.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No. You should see an eye specialist today.
    Elaine Denham: Are you Doc Martin?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No, no. I'm Doctor Ellingham.
    Elaine Denham: I'm Elaine.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: That must be nice for you.
    Elaine Denham: Practice receptionist?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Oh. I'm not hiring yet.
    Elaine Denham: I've come from Delabole!
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Is that far?
    Elaine Denham: I've come from Delabole? There's no point going and then coming back later. I may as well start now, innit.
    (Elaine is ignoring the ringing telephone)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: How are you feeling today? Any ringing in the ears?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Answering phone) Ellingham?
    (To Elaine)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It's for you.
    Elaine Denham: I'm not here.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Elaine's not here.
    Elaine Denham: Hang on. Is that Greg?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Are you Greg? Elaine for you.
    Elaine Denham: (Whispers) I'm not talking to Greg.
    (Elaine takes the telephone before Martin hangs up)
    Elaine Denham: Yeah... Yeah... No! Look! You're needy and I'm 26, innit.
    Elaine Denham: Any milk?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: One spore or two?
    Elaine Denham: What?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It had turned to penicillin. It's in the bin.
    Elaine Denham: Hello? I need coffee!
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Elaine, while you're here there are a few things to organise.
    Elaine Denham: Like what?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: A new exam couch for starters.
    Elaine Denham: Wait!
    (Starts taking notes)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: A new exam couch. An examination light. A functioning sphygmomanometer.
    Elaine Denham: What's that?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Testily) It measures blood pressure. That should be it for the moment.
    (Elaine hands him her notes)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: "Milk, biscuits"?
    Elaine Denham: While you're getting that other stuff. Oh, and Hello! magazine. Write it down.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I'm not your personal shopper, I want you to find me a medical equipment supplier.
    Colonel Gilbert Spencer: Gilbert Spencer. Lieutenant-Colonel. Retired.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Martin Ellingham. Doctor. Practising.
    Colonel Gilbert Spencer: Do you think it could be something to do with the water? There have been rumours.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I sincerely hope not, or we'll all be needing a bra.
    Joan Norton: The last time you were here you got a splinter in your finger on the beach and you cried.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I was seven.
    Joan Norton: You were eleven. And you wet the bed.
    Joan Norton: I always hoped you wouldn't grow up looking like your father but there you go. Are you stubborn as he is too?, yes course you are
    Joan Norton: I'll send the Large boys 'round, they'll fix up your plumbing. But I'll tell you this for nothing, no woman will ever fix up your plumbing if you go around looking that pale. You've need to eat.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Treat yourself to a noun.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Whose is this sodding dog?
    Bert Large: The word you're searching for is stopcock.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Elaine, are you going to lend a hand here?
    Elaine Denham: I can't work like this.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Well why don't you go home then?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Right. You(To Bert Large), hold that and shut up. You(To Al Large), get off the phone and find the stopcock and you(To Elaine Denham), either go back to Delabole, wherever that may be, and don't come back, or find a mop and work out how to use it! (to dog) and as for you.
    Susan Brading: Old Dr Sim didn't care much for the rule book.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: He didn't care much for hygiene either by the state of his surgery.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I'm not interested in your opinion as to whether I seem a bit lonely or a bit Bodmin or how far it is to Delabole. It's just a dog.
    Joan Norton: Her name's Louisa Glasson, the school teacher.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I know. We've met.
    Joan Norton: But not successfully.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Why do you say that?
    Joan Norton: You were skulking and nobody skulks after a successful meeting.
    Elaine Denham: Did you hurt that dog? I love dogs.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yeah, I love them too. I love the way they smell. I love the way they bite you. Dogs are the best.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Elaine, does Susan Brading know Gilbert Spencer?
    Bert Large: Know him? Only in the Biblical sense.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What do you mean, she gave birth to him in a stable?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: How much HRT cream can one woman use?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Good afternoon, Elaine. You're looking efficient. Enjoy your tea.
    Elaine Denham: There's a patient waiting.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No, there isn't because as you know, I'm not open for business yet.
    Elaine Denham: There's still a patient waiting.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: You'd better be dying.
    Ross: I think I'm growing breasts.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Oh, no.
    Ross: Oh, God. It's serious, innit!
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What? Oh, no, nothing to do with you, I had a theory, you've just proved it wrong.
    Louisa Glasson: How are you finding us?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Irritating. All except the primary school teacher who's a pirate, it seems.
    PC Mark Mylow: You depressed?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Aw no, I've antagonized half the village, buggered up a marriage, and crashed my car. Why would I be depressed?
    PC Mark Mylow: I'm depressed.
    Joan Norton: If you wanted a chocolate-box village, go to the Isle of Wight. This is a real place.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Finding the stray dog sitting outside the surgery) I thought you were going to...
    PC Mark Mylow: I know. He got out. Had a good lawyer.
    Elaine Denham: Are you gonna pay me for this week or what?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What.
    Bert Large: Way I see it, you need patients and we need a doc. we don't one have to love to another. Do we?

### Gentlemen Prefer [1.02]

    Elaine Denham: I'm sorry. But I cannot tolerate imbeciles.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Elaine, when we agreed you'd start at 8.30 you did understand I meant a.m.?
    Elaine Denham: Buying biscuits at the supermarket, right, and this bimbo won't let me through on six items or less. All baps up to here and stick-on nails she was. Get this - (Imitates the check-out girl) "Sorry. Six items or less".
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: And you had?
    Elaine Denham: 20, but all the same, do you see.
    Marianne Walker: Am I your first official patient?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Indeed you are . Collect a thousand loyalty points you get a free coffin.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Elaine, you do check prescriptions before printing them, don't you?
    Elaine Denham: Yeah.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Right, well, we seem to have a woman with erectile dysfunction here.
    Elaine Denham: I can't be expected to work your system.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: That would be the system whereby we don't kill the patients by prescribing the wrong medication, would it? It's your job.
    Elaine Denham: No. It is your job to check before you sign.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: If there's anyone who hasn't come to gawp, drink tea or otherwise waste my time, put your hand up.
    (None of the patients puts its hand up)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Is there anyone here who has a genuine medical problem?
    (Only one patient puts his hand up)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Thank you. Goodbye.
    (Patients begin to leaving the surgery)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Put your tea cups down and leave.
    Elaine Denham: Message.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Reads the message) "Roy or Steven?"
    Elaine Denham: Boy of seven. Dr Sim could read my writing.
    (Elaine has taken down a garbled phone message about a boy with a dangerously high temperature)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: So there's a sick child *somewhere*, but you didn't get the telephone number, let alone the boy's name? oh well I suppose we could always get his name from the obituary couldn't we.
    Elaine Denham: Right... well... look...
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No. You look, Elaine. For a new job.
    Elaine Denham: What? Just because...
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Because you are the most incompetent person I have ever had the misfortune to encounter and that incompetence may very well end up costing someone their life. You're fired.
    Bruce Denham: I'm Bruce. Elaine's dad. Just thought I'd stop by and say hello.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Hello.
    Bruce Denham: Is Elaine in? She does work here, doesn't she?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Not for much longer, I just fired her.
    Louisa Glasson: So is this another patient you've chased away from your surgery?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What? Oh your friend Roger Fenn? God, that was quick.
    Louisa Glasson: Roger? I haven't seen him in ages. He was forced to take early retirement. He thinks I took his job... well, I did take his job. It wasn't him so it must've been one of the other 30 patients you unceremoniously dispatched.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: For the record, I did not dispatch any patients. I dispatched people who seem to think "surgery" is another word for "café".
    Louisa Glasson: Being the doctor here is more than just handing out pills.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yeah, it's handing out biscuits as well.
    Louisa Glasson: This is Miss Glasson from the school, Mrs Richards. I'm just checking on Bobby. Oh, dear, well, I'm sure the doctor will, he's...
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Grabs phone from Louisa) Mrs Richards? Dr Ellingham here. Is his temperature still elevated? Right, I'm on my way, what's the address? Yep. Yep. I'll be with you in 15 minutes.
    Louisa Glasson: Half an hour.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: 30 minutes. Goodbye.
    (To Louisa)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Do you know where the...
    Louisa Glasson: Map.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Thanks.
    Mrs. Richards: You sacked Elaine Denham?
    Nikki Richards: For no good reason.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (To Nikki) Shouldn't you be giggling outside my house?
    Mrs. Richards: They say Elaine's a good girl.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I'm sure they do.
    Nikki Richards: Maybe in London you can mess people around like that.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yes, as often as we can.
    Joan Norton: You sacked a perfectly good receptionist.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Perfectly good? She made appointments before I was even open. She printed out prescriptions so inaccurate as to be potentially lethal. I had to go to the school to track down a child because she couldn't be relied upon to take down a phone number.
    Pamela: It's empty.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: And what did he put just in his tank? Horse-urine?
    Pamela: We-don't-have-any-petrol!
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Then, what-he-just-put-in-his-tank?
    Pamela: Diesel!
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Hello Bobby. Feeling better?
    Bobby Richards: I don't like you.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Well that's alright because, um, I like you.
    Bobby Richards: You were mean to Elaine. My sisters say you're the W word, the T word, the P word, and the Zed word.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What's the Zed word?
    Bobby Richards: it's a word
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I'm going to refer you for more tests.
    Roger Fenn: Ah. Referrals, otherwise known as covering the arse.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No, otherwise known as offering specialist treatment.
    Roger Fenn: So you're not going to give me anything for my throat?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No. And I'm not going to give you anything for the chip on your shoulder either.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Mr Fenn, there is a high probability you have a cancer of the larynx. You'll need surgery and you may well lose your voice, which has a certain appeal, now you may not care about this but unfortunately I'm paid to
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (On telephone) Richard Edgerton, ENT. Dr Ellingham, I have a patient who needs an urgent laryngoscopy. I'd say it was a carcinoma of the larynx. Yes, that is my opinion.
    (To the dog who is rooting around in the bin)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Stop it. Stop it! Well, because I'm a doctor he's a smoker with a lump in his neck. Would you like the tumour to write to you?
    (The dog now has his head in the bin)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Shouts) Will you get out of that bin!
    Roger Fenn: What do you do when you're not working?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I'm always working.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Elaine, what's happened to you?
    Elaine Denham: It's tan.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It's orange.
    Elaine Denham: I don't mind him having a woman, just not one with a bloody dog in her handbag.
    A&E Receptionist: Is it me or do you not understand plain English?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It's you.
    Louisa Glasson: (Visiting Roger in hospital) I can't believe Martin hasn't been here. At least he could tell you what's going on.
    Roger Fenn: I know *exactly* what's going on. I'm pushed out of my job an inch before I qualify for a pension and on the day when I may be about to lose my voice forever I find myself having to *chat* with the woman who replaced me.
    Junior Doctor: I read you on blocked carotids.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Don't suck up.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Has the surgeon been in?
    Roger Fenn: Yes. And I thought *you* were a smug bastard.
    (Roger Fenn is about to have an operation on his voicebox which may result in him losing his voice. Doc Martin has just confessed to him the reason that he stopped being a surgeon and became a GP).
    Roger Fenn: You probably want to keep that quiet.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Ironically) Yeah, I wouldn't want the village to fall out of love with me.
    Roger Fenn: Your secret's safe with me.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Well it's not like you're going to be able to tell anyone anyway, is it?
    (Long pause, while Roger decides whether or not to be offended by Doc Martin's tactlessness. Then he chuckles.)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Had any family in?
    Roger Fenn: Grown-up daughter. Decided not to call her, she stopped needing me a long time ago. Has a TV set of her own. You?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No. Only child.
    Roger Fenn: Parents dead?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No. Retired. Portugal. Gone.
    Roger Fenn: Nice.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Vile. We don't speak.
    Roger Fenn: You are a miserable bugger.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Taking this as a compliment) Thank you.
    (Louisa walks towards Doc Martin)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Louisa! You're looking...
    (She completely ignores him)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: ...Straight through me.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Hello, Fenn, how are you?
    Louisa Glasson: Don't you think it's a little late for the concerned GP routine?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What in God's name are you...?
    Louisa Glasson: When you have precisely one patient I'd think you'd want to visit him in hospital. No, Roger, don't try and speak.
    Roger Fenn: (Very hoarse) He *did* come and see me. Depressed the hell out of me.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It was mutual.
    Louisa Glasson: Well...
    (To Martin)
    Louisa Glasson: You could've told me.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I tried, but that woman shushed me.
    Roger Fenn: Can I come up and talk to you about chemo...
    Dr. Martin Ellingham:: Sh, sh, sh. Rest that voice. I'll see if I can squeeze you in.

### Shot Happens [1.03]

    Caroline Bosman: (Interviewing the Doc on the radio) What was your first impression of our village?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It's windy.
    Caroline Bosman: And the people?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: The people?
    Caroline Bosman: The people of Portwenn.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What about them?
    Caroline Bosman: Well, the people of Portwenn are a rich and diverse culture - I bet you've been struck by certain individuals?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It's early days yet.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Well, Caroline, it seems to me you have about a thousand locals who do nothing but talk about themselves. Why don't you interview one of them?
    Jean: What did you see in him at interview?
    Louisa Glasson: Don't blame me, only one of my eyes was working.
    Jean: I thought you quite like him.
    Louisa Glasson: He's fine.
    (Louisa is looking for something on the table)
    Jean: What are you after?
    Louisa Glasson: My Martin... marking! My marking...
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Elaine. It is *not* your job to give medical advice over the telephone.
    Elaine Denham: It was bellyache. That's not medical advice, it's common sense.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Can *I* please decide who comes to my surgery?
    Elaine Denham: No.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No?
    Elaine Denham: If they have bellyache or diarrhoea, I have them wait. If they've got something serious I get them in straight away.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Thank you, I'm familiar with triage.
    Elaine Denham: Right, so I want an apology. If is wasn't for me you'd have had a dozen diarrhoeas since yesterday.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: How many?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Have you noticed an increased demand for diarrhoea remedies lately?
    Mrs. Tishell: Yes - in fact you could say there's been a *run* on them.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I try to remain current - I find I kill fewer patients that way.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: You know, when I told my father that I wasn't going to follow him into the navy, we didn't speak for three months.
    Bert Large: Yeah, but now you're older, you can understand his point, can't you? I mean, that's what I was trying to say to Al.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No, we still don't speak actually.
    Joan Norton: Look, Marty, you do realise that the villagers are dusting off their pitchforks, don't you?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yes. Exactly how many generations ago did the inbreeding start with these people?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Bert, it's been a long day. Take two aspirin and insult me in the morning.
    Bert Large: So I've given everyone the runs?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Quick as a flash.
    Louisa Glasson: I heard you on the radio.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Oh. Which time?
    Louisa Glasson: Does it matter?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yes, some were more painful than others.
    Louisa Glasson: Really?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No, they were all awful.

### The Portwenn Effect [1.04]

    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I'm only going to say this once. Firstly, antibiotics don't touch viruses. Secondly, even if you had a bacterial infection you'd be well advised to try and fight it on your own to build up some kind of natural immunity. Thirdly, we are noticing some bacterial strains becoming resistant to antibiotics in common usage due to the widespread over prescription by doctors like the late great Jim Sim dishing out antibiotics in all probability to whingers like you.
    PC Mark Mylow: That's easy for you to say - you haven't got my problem. You haven't got a date with the woman of your dreams.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Who's that?
    PC Mark Mylow: Louisa.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What makes you think that?
    PC Mark Mylow: Think what?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: That the woman of my dreams... Louisa. Louisa is the woman of your dreams.
    PC Mark Mylow: Peter, I could arrest you for criminal damage. But I was thinking, Bob in the lifeboat house has some woodworking tools. Maybe you and I could spend some time in there? Make a few bird tables?
    Peter Cronk: (Considers the suggestion for a moment) I'd sooner be arrested.
    Stewart James: Doc Martin?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Dr Ellingham, yes.
    Stewart James: Yeah, I heard you prefer your proper title. I thought surgeons prided themselves on just plain Mr.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I'm no longer a surgeon.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: For future reference, unless you're incapacitated you should come in to the surgery.
    Stewart James: I can't really leave here during the day.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Let's hope you don't need a doctor then.
    Stewart James: So it's true.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It's true I don't appreciate having my time wasted if that's what you mean.
    Stewart James: A man of your talent. Famously sharp mind. Portwenn must come as a bit of a shock. I bet half the village came in when you opened up just to see what you'd done with the place.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yes They did.
    Stewart James: Then there's the aggressive unhelpfulness of that receptionist, oh what's her name?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Elaine?
    Stewart James: Yeah Elaine. And those girls. Those girls that just hang around giggling all the time, What's that all about?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: You're very perceptive.
    Stewart James: Portwenn should come with a handbook.
    Stewart James: They can't make good coffee there, it's just brown water.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: In my experience, you can get brown water from the tap.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: He locked me in his compound.
    PC Mark Mylow: He locked you in?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Well, there was a key but I didn't know it. I felt he forced me to have dinner with him and Anthony the squirrel.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Well, there's the mystery of medicine. Everyone comes to you for an opinion but when you actually give them that opinion nobody really wants it.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: The man thinks he lives with a giant squirrel. He needs help.
    PC Mark Mylow: Give me a shout if you need a hand.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I do. I do need that hand.
    PC Mark Mylow: Technically I can't bring him in on a 136 unless I find him in a public place, that's the mental health act.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Why didn't you tell me?
    Stewart James: I've gone over the top haven't I?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yeah.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: The pills old Doctor Sim used to give you. You were taking them weren't you. Did they help?
    Stewart James: Kept me just this side of Bodmin.
    Stewart James: Magicians, these chemists.
    PC Mark Mylow: I hope you don't mind me saying, but I think Portwenn's having an effect on you. That was a good call you made today. What you did with Stewart. I think the village'll appreciate it.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Then you won't mind me saying that I don't actually carry vitamin tablets but luckily for Stewart, you do.
    PC Mark Mylow: What?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Your, um, enlargement tablets. Ascorbic acid, d-alpha tocopherol, prydoxine... they're multivitamins.
    PC Mark Mylow: They can't... that's not ethical.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: You'll get over it. Big boy.
    Peter Cronk: People think I'm being rude, but I'm just saying what's in my head, you know.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yeah. I do know.

### Of All the Harbours in All the Towns [1.05]

    Louisa Glasson: I got involved in a surfing club of all things. I think what clinched it was the kids saying I'm too old.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Nonsense. People of all ages go surfing.
    Louisa Glasson: You should come along. It'd be nice to see you out of that suit and in a wet... suit...
    Elaine Denham: Your stuff's arrived at the pharmacy, you'd better go and get it.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Er, no Elaine...
    Elaine Denham: Just don't speak to me now, innit!
    Elaine Denham: How come you never asked me out, then?
    Al Large: Well, you was with Greg.
    Elaine Denham: Also, you were a bit of a non.
    Bert Large: Son, I know it's your phone bill and you've got your own money coming in, but you do know that these mobile phones can damage your head membranes if used to excess.
    Al Large: Dad, I've got Bluetooth.
    Bert Large: There you go, that's exactly my point.
    Joan Norton: If he asks about me, tell him I'm not here. I've gone up to London.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: But he's already asked about you, and he's standing right behind you.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: All those times you brought me up here. Was it always to watch him sail?
    Joan Norton: I'm sorry. Affairs taint everything, don't they?

### Haemophobia [1.06]

    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What do you want Adrian?
    Adrian Pitts: I want you to put in a word for me with Chris Parsons. You see, Faulkner is about to move on.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: And you think you're ready to step up?
    Adrian Pitts: Yes, but I'm getting some resistance from Chris Parsons. Since you two are mates I wondered if you might give him a call.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I've spoken to Chris. He rang me. He thinks you're an arse. I think you're an arse too. Enjoy your weekend.
    (Adrian storms out)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Arse.
    Neville: So I don't need a blood test?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: You have an ear infection, Neville.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Ah, Elaine. Any chance of making me a cup of tea?
    Elaine Denham: Make it yourself. I'm not the tea girl.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: As you can see, I have patients waiting.
    Elaine Denham: Well, best go faster then.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: White, no sugar.
    (A woman phones in to Caroline Bosman's radio programme and asks whether it is true that Dr Ellingham hates the sight of blood)
    Bert Large: (Listening to programme in the pub) Doc Martin'll see the funny side, he'll just go with the flow, you'll see.
    Caroline Bosman: Next caller. You are live...
    Martin: (Phoning in to Caroline's radio programme) This is Doctor Martin Ellingham. I'd like to get a few things crystal clear for you and your puerile listeners. I admit to having certain difficulties but they have not and they never will impair my functions as a doctor. And for the record, the incident with a certain village plumber was in fact a prank with some ketchup which, by the way, kept me from attending to patients in my surgery.
    (Ranting)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: And as to so-called homeopathic remedies, if there's one for chronic infantilism then I suggest that your caller and indeed the entire village should embark on a course immediately. Thank you.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Where does it hurt?
    Peter Cronk: I'm all right.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: When you're the doctor you can make that judgement. Where does it hurt?
    Peter Cronk: It doesn't.
    Peter Cronk: I have done some reading.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Have you done a medical degree?
    Peter Cronk: No.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Well, shut up then.
    Louisa Glasson: What are you doing? He's nine years old.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: All right. Take him to the hospital.
    Louisa Glasson: What?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Obviously nine year olds and nursery teachers know better than I do. Take him to the hospital, get him checked over there.
    Joan Norton: Please, Marty, don't apologise - it would give either one or both of us heart failure.
    Peter Cronk: I was wrong. Intercostal sprain.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Well, we'll see. Let's get you to the hospital, you might be right.
    Peter Cronk: No. You tell the truth. Most adults... you tell the truth.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: OK Peter, I think when you fell in the gym you may have hurt one of your important organs. You have some shoulder-tip pain on your left side so I suspect that it's the spleen.
    Peter Cronk: You can live without your spleen, can't you?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yes you can. but you may be bleeding inside so that's why we're getting you to the hospital.
    Peter Cronk: Am I going to be ok?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: If I have anything to do with it, yes.
    Louisa Glasson: So how come you got a thing about blood?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It's just a minor anxiety disorder resulting from overexposure to a high-pressure environment.
    Louisa Glasson: Surgery.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Nods) I was operating on a woman one day. Simple procedure. I went to see her in the ward beforehand. Her family were there; her husband, her sister and her son; and they were clinging to her. Wouldn't let go. Next time I saw her she was prepped and laid out before me on the operating table and I couldn't do it, I couldn't go on, it was like I was on tight rope and made the mistake of looking down. I haven't been able to operate since actually, which is a shame because it's the only thing I was ever any good at.
    (About to perform life-saving surgery on Peter Cronk in the back of an ambulance)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I may vomit.
    Adrian Pitts: I heard the big chief was here.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: How's the boy? No actually, tell his mother first - her name's...
    Adrian Pitts, Martin: (Together) Joy.
    Adrian Pitts: Yes, we do know the drill.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Any complications?
    Adrian Pitts: A tiny bit of pancreatic leak but nothing more.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Secondary spleen?
    Adrian Pitts: There was, actually; and, yes sir, I was careful to leave it.
    (To Adrian Pitts when he tries to flirt with her)
    Louisa Glasson: If you *ever* badmouth Martin Ellingham, who by the way is ten times better than you will ever be, I promise you I will be the last person that you would wanna see. In Portwenn, in Truro or anywhere. Do we understand each other?
    (Martin and Louisa are in the back of a taxi. Louisa leans over and kisses Martin passionately)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I'm assuming you have a regular dental hygiene routine.
    Louisa Glasson: Well obviously not in the last few hours, but thank you very much - yes I have.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Well that would suggest rhinositis or gastro-oesophagal reflux.
    Louisa Glasson: Are you saying I've got bad breath?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I just think it would be wise to rule out any infections of the aero-digestive tract. Obviously a dietary explanation would be the happiest outcome.
    (Louisa looks very offended. She gets the taxi to stop, and makes Martin get out and walk).

## Series 2
### Old Dogs [2.01]

    Dr. Martin Ellingham: This is completely illogical.
    Shopkeeper: It's not actually.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Would you explain it to me? Apart from anything else what criminal with half a brain would try to use that credit card anywhere in Portwenn?
    Shopkeeper: I don't know. But I warranty you that will never have joy in my shop.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I can't imagine anyone finding joy in your shop.
    Shopkeeper: Not if they want to use a card, Doc. Because our card machine is broken.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Right. So I'll pay you tomorrow.
    Shopkeeper: Mr. and Mrs. Credit passed away. Please, don't mention their names. They really hurt.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Pauline, I can't have patients' records filed under their first names.
    Pauline Lamb: It was good enough in Newlyn.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Well, what kind of surgery was it? A vets?
    Pauline Lamb: Still a surgery.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Did Mr. Rix bring a letter from the hospital about his ribs?
    Pauline Lamb: I don't think so.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Perhaps it's filed under "L" for letter. Or "P" for piece of paper.

### In Loco [2.02]

    Mrs. Richards: (About her husband) Oh, sure! If I mention impetigo he'll ditch his girlfriend straight away, drive overnight from Glasgow and give our marriage one more try.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Good.
    Peter Cronk: So are you going to be our new headteacher?
    Louisa Glasson: It's not for me to say, Peter.
    Peter Cronk: Are you going to do something with the I.T. Department?
    Louisa Glasson: What I.T. Department?
    Peter Cronk: Exactly.
    (An old patient is leaving the surgery while Martin is following him to tell him the treatment to do)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Mrs. Tishell will give you the tablets. One in the morning, before the food, and one... one in the evening before going to bed. (The patient left the surgery) Or you just die. It's your decision.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Who's next?
    Pauline Lamb: Cameron Paris. (She shouts) Cameron Paris!
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: All right. He's not deaf.
    Mrs. Paris: He is actually.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Well, as I have just explained to Peter, you are a, er, er, woman.
    Louisa Glasson: Oh. Glad you noticed.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yeah, years of medical training.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Why doesn't anyone in this village do as I say?
    (While Peter Cronk is staying with Dr Martin Ellingham, he persuades Martin to let him rent "an educational video". Later, Louisa is horrified to see that he is watching an X-rated horror film)
    Louisa Glasson: What are you watching? Turn it off!
    Peter Cronk: Oh, but they were just about to eat the virgin's eyeballs.
    Louisa Glasson: Off! Martin?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: He told me it was educational.
    Louisa Glasson: Yes, and he just said the words "virgin's eyeballs".
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Is that bad?
    Louisa Glasson: Ten year olds don't always know what's best for them.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I did.
    Louisa Glasson: Yes, but you're a bit different from the rest of us.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Speaking to a patient) Portwenn has one doctor and 966 people who know better.
    (Martin is discussing with Louisa on the spread of the impetigo because of ignoring his medical advices)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: In the years that come, when the archeologists unearth the ruins of Portwenn, someone will ask the question: "How this unspeakable disaster could have?". How? Because "Miss Glasson said."
    Pauline Lamb: Don't forget you've got the school thing today. If Louisa Glasson gets it there's a bit of a party later at the Crab.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What happens if she doesn't?
    Pauline Lamb: No-one in Portwenn will talk to you.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I can live with that.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Pauline, get PC Mark Mylow on the phone. Tell him there's a dangerous dog on the loose. I want it caught and put to sleep.
    Pauline Lamb: Put to sleep?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Destroyed, Pauline. Killed. Sent to that big doggy basket in the sky.
    Mel Collins: If you had enough time to improve equal opportunity policy, where would you start?
    Interview woman: (Thinks, sips water, thinks some more, sips again)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: More to the point: how long would it take you?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (To the dog)Get out!

### Blood is Thicker [2.03]

    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Where do you live?
    Wallace Flint: You know... The Moor.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Can you give me his phone number then, please?
    Pauline Lamb: No. Don't have it.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Remind me what your job is again?
    Pauline Lamb: He didn't leave a number. He left in a rush, looking like a frightened rabbit. Like all your patients, actually.
    (The butcher has been having another medication different to the prescripted one by Martin)
    Butcher: It's Ok. They're herbal. You know, natural.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: One thing is natural but doesn't mean it's safe. Poison ivy is natural. You wouldn't take it. Do you?
    Butcher: No. It gets "poison" on the toil.
    Louisa Glasson: Martin. About this morning...
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What? About your visit to the snake charmer?
    Louisa Glasson: I'm sorry you've closed your mind to alternative medicine. But you know that can be effective sometimes.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Frequently is, but unfortunately for my patients with this woman it's a lottery.
    (Sandra Mylow has been handing out herbal remedies without even seeing her patients)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: These can contain high levels of mercury, which given to somebody already suffering from a degree of psychosis, the effects can be catastrophic.
    Sandra Mylow: I didn't realise she was that ill.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Hadn't it struck you when she visited your clinic?
    Sandra Mylow: She seemed fine.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: She didn't seem anything. You've never met her. Doreen Flint left this area eight years ago.
    Sandra Mylow: I saw her husband.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Right. Who for the last eight years has been under the delusion that he is both Victor and Doreen Flint in one body.
    Sandra Mylow: (Gobsmacked) Oh.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: There is a reason why we insist on seeing patients before prescribing a course of treatment. It's called "good practice".
    Sandra Mylow: People feel comfortable when they come and see me, which is more than I can say for you.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: The minute I start handing out treatments left right and centre to people I've never met, please feel free to call me a stupid arrogant unqualified charlatan!

### Aromatherapy [2.04]

    Patient: And you reckon these will work, do you?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No - I just prescribe them for fun.
    (Martin is questioning Julie about familiar diseases)
    Julie Mitchell: Doctor. I came here to register.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: That's what I'm doing.
    Julie Mitchell: At the library I get a card in five minutes.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Congratulations. If you get smallpox I'm sure that a good book will great comfort you.
    (Caroline has parked her car so it is sticking out into the road)
    Passer-by: I wouldn't park there, love, if I were you.
    Caroline Bosman: (Angrily) Really? And if I were you, I wouldn't come out in daylight, love.
    (Martin thinks that Caroline might have become an alcoholic)
    Caroline Bosman: I don't drink any more than anybody else.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Do you ever find yourself drinking first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or to get over a hangover?
    Caroline Bosman: No! Certainly not!
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Do you often find yourself get annoyed with people who observe or criticise your drinking?
    Caroline Bosman: (Angrily) That's it! I've had enough! Who the hell do you think you are asking inappropriate questions about something I have not even consulted you about?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: So that's a "yes", then, is it?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: All right, Caroline, I'm going to give you an injection.
    Danny Steel: (Gets down on one knee, hands clasped together) I'm saying a prayer for you, Caroline.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Eyeing Danny) It's a little prick.

### Always on My Mind [2.05]

    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (To the dog)Get out of my life!
    Louisa Glasson: I'm sorry, he isn't normally that rude... actually he is normally that rude; he also happens to be a good doctor.
    Louisa Glasson: Why do you have to upset everyone? When you are with patients, why can't you make an effort? Just *smile*! Try to a small talk! Have a laugh!
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Sick people don't want a laugh. They want a doctor who knows what is doing.
    Louisa Glasson: They want a bedside manner.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: A bedside manner can't cure you.
    Louisa Glasson: It makes them feel better.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Can it diagnose an illness in a scanner? Write a prescription?
    Louisa Glasson: You know what I mean. Please, for once *just* agree with me. Do *you* know what I'm trying to say?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Actually I find you hard to understand best of times. Whatever you say or do makes no sense to me.
    Louisa Glasson: What are we talking about? Are we talking about...? What are we talking about?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I'm not quite sure.

### The Family Way [2.06]

    PC Mark Mylow: I've got some news.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What?
    PC Mark Mylow: You'll never guess...
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I don't have to.
    PC Mark Mylow: Go on. Try.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No.
    Christopher Ellingham: (Referring to Mark) Possesses a wonderful naivety, your chum.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yeah.
    Christopher Ellingham: Going to have his work cut out though.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What do you mean?
    Christopher Ellingham: Well, the only way he's going to keep her is if he locks her up in a cell. Mind you, you'd have to drug them to keep them. Two peas in a pod you two.
    Danny Steel: I sometimes wonder, with things not happening for me in London, whether it's a sign. It's a cliché I know but God, sometimes...
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yes, he works in mysterious ways, doesn't he? Like malaria.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I know that Dad can be a bit... you know... I'm not like him. You can talk to me.
    Margaret Ellingham: (Laughs)You are not like him? Can you say that again?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What?
    Margaret Ellingham: He's reached at the top of his profession. He is charming. We were happy before you arrived. The perfect marriage. He always touched me under the table in the restaurant and the car. Just like electricity. And then you came along. I knew it was all over. He could never see me as a woman again, I was a mother. A deflated balloon. So I decided I would make things just for we were him and me together. I put you in a boarding school, I sent you to spend the summers here with Joan. Somehow you were always there between us. Always needy. With bullied. Wetting your bed.

### Out of the Woods [2.07]

    PC Mark Mylow: Doc. Julie and I are getting married as you know.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yes.
    PC Mark Mylow: Thank you. I was wondering. Would you be my best man?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I'm sure that unless this is absolutly an emergency...
    Louisa Glasson: I'll consider this an emergency of sorts. You might not think that you are a part of this village but you are, like or not. We are an small community, almost a family. And sometimes people are feeling left out by the way you are. And sometimes people think that you just don't care. And I think that it's about time that someone tells you that.
    Louisa Glasson: Stewart can help you. He's the ranger for that area.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: To be honest I would prefer not. His best friend is a 6 feet squirrel.

### Erotomania [2.08]

    Louisa Glasson: Martin, there are twenty things about you that are crap.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Thank you.
    Louisa Glasson: But if you were a stick of rock, you'd be Martin Ellingham all the way through.
    Louisa Glasson: Underneath the gruff, monosyllabic, well-meaning but rude person, you're... gruff, monsyllabic, and, well, rude.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What about well-meaning?
    (Martin and Louisa are sharing a bottle of wine at his house. Rather sheepishly, he explains that he doesn't normally drink alcohol because it makes him fall asleep)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Looking into Louisa's eyes) You're so beautiful. You're so very beautiful - d'you know that? All I think about, every day, is just catching a glimpse of you.
    (They lean across the table and kiss)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Whispers) Oh, Louisa!
    Louisa Glasson: (Whispers) Shhh. Don't spoil it.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I love you. I love you.
    Louisa Glasson: Martin, this bloody table's in the way.
    (Louisa stands up, about to come round the table to give Martin a cuddle. Martin falls forward onto the table, fast asleep)
    (Last night, while drunk, Martin Ellingham told Louisa Glasson that he loved her - and then he passed out)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I embarrassed myself.
    Louisa Glasson: No you didn't embarrass yourself. And I'm really glad that you said what you said. I just wish I'd had chance to say that I do too. I love you too.
    (Martin stares at her)
    Louisa Glasson: What?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Love is...
    Louisa Glasson: What?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It's a difficult word when you think that we don't actually know each other that well.
    Louisa Glasson: Martin, we've known each other quite a while now.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Strictly speaking, for you to say you love me when you can't possibly know that you do is... potentially... delusional.
    Louisa Glasson: Oh!
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: There are certain quite well-known disorders where a person falls, without good reason, for someone else and believes that they love them.
    Louisa Glasson: (Gobsmacked) Pardon?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: De Clerambault's Syndrome, for instance. Also known as erotomania. More common in women. They fall for a man of higher social standing.
    (The camera starts to track back to an aerial shot of the bay)
    Louisa Glasson: Martin! What the hell are you talking about?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Delusional romantic attachments. Often associated with an excessive intrusiveness into the life of the object of the irrational affection. Stalking, if you like.
    (Louisa slaps Martin's face. The credits roll)

## Christmas Special 2006. On the Edge.

    (The baker has come to see Doc Martin about a stomach ache)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Take some time off work.
    Baker: Chance would be a fine thing. I've got a couple of hundred pasties to bake for the eating contest tomorrow - biggest earner of the year.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Cancel it!
    Baker: No, doc.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: In all probability you have a stomach infection. Until I can find out exactly what it is, I don't want you spreading it around the village.
    Baker: It's a tradition, our contest.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Oh yes, the tradition of mass food-poisoning and the complications that ensue. Cancel it!
    (A group of twitchers are walking next to Doc's house. Martin is taking his bottle of daily milk.)
    Twitcher 1: Which way to the choves?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: At the top of the hill. And turn right.
    Twitcher 2: Thanks.
    (The group continues their road while the man watches his map)
    Twitcher 1: Why on the right if there is the cliff? You meant left. Don't you?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (At the door) Right. (Slams the door)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What do you want?
    Gavin Peters: Just a chat.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Then chat with the receptionist - I'm busy.
    (To Gavin Peters)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Take your hands off me, you unctuous platitudinising eunuch!
    (Al Large says to Jonathan that he can't get a boat because he is a plumber)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Al, Mr. Crozure is suffering a psychotic breakdown.
    Al Large: What that mean?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: He is mad. Just do what he says.
    Terry Glasson: Three miles off the coast. Nelson's Point. You know it?
    Al Large: Yes.
    Terry Glasson: A Spanish trawler at half mile off Nelson's Point. Tell them that Terry is sending. Say: "Terry me manda a por el paquete."
    Al Large: Oh, yeah. OK.
    Terry Glasson: Say it! "Terry me manda a por el paquete."
    Pauline Lamb: "Terry me manda a por..."
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No. It's "Terry me manda a por la paquete."
    Louisa Glasson: No, no. It's "a por *el* paquete."
    Jonathan Crozure: Seriously! Tick, tock, tick, tock!

## Series 3
### The Apple Doesn't Fall [3.01]

    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Goodbye, Mrs. Lane.
    Allison Lane: It's not "Mrs." I'm divorced.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I'm not surprised.
    PC Joe Penhale: He wouldn't come quietly, so I started to put the cuffs on. He runs out into the yard, I chase after him, trip-up, fall under his horse. When I wake up, the paramedic tells me that he kicked me in the head. The horse, not the paramedic.
    Pauline Lamb: I just told him what it said on the website.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Which website was this, I-keep-forgetting-I'm-just-a-receptionist-dot-com? If anyone has a medical problem, refer them to me. I'm the doctor.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I want a word with you.
    Pauline Lamb: Let me guess. "You're fired".
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: That's two words.
    Pauline Lamb: But I am though, aren't I? That is so unfair. I told you...
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Phlebotomy.
    Pauline Lamb: What?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Phlebotomy.
    Pauline Lamb: I don't know what that means.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: You clearly don't have a problem dealing with blood. I want you to go on this course. It's in Truro next week. They'll show you how to find a vein, how insert a needle into a patient, and how to draw blood for nurses. I'll tell you who to bleed, but, uh, you'll be in charge of the actual bleeding.

### Movement [3.02]

    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Standing in the kitchen of Bert's new restaurant) This kitchen is disgusting!
    Bert Large: I've been feeding myself for years. I haven't killed myself once.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I want you to close this restaurant.
    Bert Large: (Wanting to get out of earshot of his customers) Come into the kitchen. I put everything I've got into this place.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Well, you're certainly putting something into it that's making people very ill, indeed.
    Bert Large: I've eaten here, and I'm perfectly fine!
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Bert, you've spent your entire working life with your arm down a lavatory. You're bound to have built up a resistance to certain bacteria. The point I'm trying to make is that you are by profession and design a plumber, not a restaurateur.
    (Bert Large is at the surgery because of a possible heart attack)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Is there anything that could you be stressing about?
    Bert Large: (Ironically) Well. Let me see. My life's savings have been invested to buy an empty restaurant that has been shot down by the local quack. Apart from that, no one. My life is fine.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Right. I will prescribe you some medication in case of it happens again.

### City Slickers [3.03]

    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (After informing Mrs. Averill she may have lung cancer) Why are smokers always surprised when they're ill? Why do they think they're going to be the lucky ones who live to be a hundred? Did you think you'd make it to seventy?
    Mrs. Averill: I'm seventy-five.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Eighty?
    Mrs. Averill: My mother smoked a pipe until she was ninety-three.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: And then she died.
    Mrs. Averill: No. She lost her pipe.
    (Louisa is organizing the kitchen while Martin is watching her)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Louisa. You look very... busy.
    Louisa Glasson: Thank you.
    Louisa Glasson: Would you like some wine?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No, thank you. I don't drink.
    Louisa Glasson: Really? Not even on special occasions?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Is this an special occasion?
    Louisa Glasson: Well. Maybe "special" is a wrong word, but it's not exactly something we do everyday.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I don't remember the last time that I ate on someone's back garden.
    Louisa Glasson: It's more that usual, Martin. People have barbecues all the time.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Oh, I see. Hot dogs and hamburgers.
    Louisa Glasson: No.
    Louisa Glasson: I thought we might have a measles epidemic on our hands.
    Martin Ellingham: There's not much chance of that. Almost all the children I've seen have been jabbed for MMR. There's only two or three mothers left in the village who haven't seen reason.
    Louisa Glasson: Maybe they're scared.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What are they scared of?
    Louisa Glasson: Well there's autism.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No, there isn't.
    Louisa Glasson: Martin, a friend of mine took her son to the doctor. He was nearly two, perfectly healthy, they gave him the jab, and he changed overnight. Just shut down completely.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Because of the MMR vaccine?
    Louisa Glasson: That's what she thinks.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Is she very stupid?
    Louisa Glasson: Look, it stands to reason that giving a child three viruses at the same time must increase their chance of some kind of reaction.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It stands to reason?
    Louisa Glasson: Martin, I have read about the studies linking MMR to bowel disease.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: There was one so-called "study" but that's been refuted by people who actually know what they're talking about. And the hysteria that's stopped people giving their children the MMR vaccine has actually caused an increase in cases of measles, which is a horrible disease.
    Louisa Glasson: Thank you, Doctor.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Has your son been jabbed for TB?
    Anthony Oakwood: Have we let someone inject him full of poison? Well, strangely no.

### The Admirer [3.04]

    (Earlier in the day, Martin caught Auntie Joan and Edward making love in her kitchen. He left quickly, in disgust and embarrassment. Now Joan has come to see Martin)
    Joan Norton: If you have a problem with my relationship, let's talk about it.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Sex on the kitchen table with a man fifty years your junior does not qualify as a real relationship.
    Joan Norton: I'm going to continue to see Edward. It won't last forever and it certainly isn't true love, but it's what I want. So get used to it!
    (She storms off)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Shouting after her) Osteoporosis and sexual intercourse on kitchen tables don't mix!

### The Holly Bears a Prickle [3.05]

    (At the concert, a waitress offers Martin and Louisa a tray of canapés)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Not for me, thanks. Salmonella en croute, made yesterday by unwashed strangers - no thank you!
    (After the concert, Louisa leads Martin into the woods. They kiss passionately)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: You're very emotional, Louisa. Are you wearing perfume? Is it sandalwood?
    Louisa Glasson: No, it's kenzo flower.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I wondered whether it was pheromones. Androstenone 5 has a sort of sandalwood odour - faintly urine-like, if you prefer. It's the pheromone associated with the onset of the menstrual cycle. And it's often accompanied by mood swings.
    Louisa Glasson: Urine-like?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It's only faint. Am I right?
    Louisa Glasson: A woman doesn't have to be getting her period to be a bit emotional.
    (Louisa walks off in a huff)
    (Louisa's bedroom. Martin is visiting Holly, who had an accident at the harbour the day before and spent the night there. During the visit Martin begins to show a bedside manner, action misunderstandable for Louisa)
    Louisa Glasson: What are you doing? You are paint weird with Holly.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I'm not paint weird.
    Louisa Glasson: Yes, you are. You are being smarmy.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Angrily) I'm not being smarmy. I'm helping your horrible friend! What do you want me to do?
    (Holly asks a pillow, interrupting the conversation between Martin and Louisa)
    (Martin finishes the visit to Holly. Louisa follows him downstairs to talk to him)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: OK. So, what was wrong with that?
    Louisa Glasson: With what?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: When I was being congenial. Why do you always find fault?
    Louisa Glasson: Me?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yes, you! I don't think you know what you want.
    Louisa Glasson: Was it for me?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Well...
    Louisa Glasson: It's not good acting nice, Martin. You've got to want to.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Why?! (He leaves Louisa's house slamming the door)

### Nowt So Queer [3.06]

    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Three weeks?
    Louisa Glasson: Three weeks. The vicar had a cancellation. You think that it's too soon, do you?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No. Do you think that it's too soon?
    Louisa Glasson: No. We want to get married. Why to wait?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I've got you something.
    Louisa Glasson: Oh, thank you.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Shows a box of anti-snoring strips)It'll help you with your snoring.
    Louisa Glasson: I don't snore.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yes, you do.
    Louisa Glasson: No.

### Happily Ever After [3.07]

    Isobel: I'm going to have a natural birth - none of those icky drugs, or anything.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: God forbid you should use "icky drugs" when you could experience the excruciating agony of childbirth in the raw.

## Series 4
### Better the Devil [4.01]

    Girl Student: (With pencil sticking out of her head) It's my favorite pencil.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: You're a dog trainer?
    Barbara Collingsworth: Dog psychologist. It's all the same, really. Simply a matter of rewiring the brain.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Restrain that animal, or analyze its unhappy childhood.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Married?
    Dr. Edith Montgomery: Not long enough for there to be any permanent damage.
    Dr. Edith Montgomery: It wasn't hard to find you, Ellingham. I just followed the trail of outraged people.
    Dr. Edith Montgomery: What you did was deeply patronizing and violated protocol. I'd expect nothing less.
    (Talking about her brother whose snoring is keeping her awake at nights)
    Pauline Lamb: They shouldn't have kicked him out of the Army for snoring. They should have kept him in and used him as a weapon of mass destruction.

### Uneasy Lies the Head [4.02]

    (Talking about Louisa's pregnancy)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It's not my fault.
    Joan Norton: Oh!
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I mean it's my fault but not my fault. It's not my fault that you don't know. I didn't know until yesterday.

### Perish Together as Fools [4.03]

    Bert Large: How would you feel, if you lost your girl? Because, if you're not careful, she's gonna leave you, toothbrush and all.
    Al Large (startled): What?
    Bert Large: First off, you follow her around like a lamb.
    Al Large: No, I don't.
    Bert Large: Yes, you do, and Pauline don't like it.
    Al Large: How do you know?
    Bert Large: Because she told me not to tell you. And you're "seamy".
    Al Large: I'm what?
    Bert Large: "Seamy".
    Al Large: I don't even know what that means, Dad.
    Bert Large: Neither do I—but it's not good.
    (PC Penhale thinks that he and his brother have Huntington's disease, which their grandfather had
    PC Joe Penhale: Goodbye, Pauline. He thinks that I'm going to die soon.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Not soon enough.

### Driving Mr McLynn [4.04]

    Patient: I keep hearing things.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What sort of things?
    Patient: Sometimes it's like a high peak whistling. Sometimes it's more like a bell.
    (Ringing telephone)
    Patient: And now it sounds like a telephone.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Because that is a telephone.
    Patient: You can hear it too?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yes, I can. But I shouldn't be able to because my stupid receptionist should have answered from her desk.
    Pauline Lamb: Let me take you somewhere, right now.
    Al Large: Where?
    Pauline Lamb: To apologize to Louisa. You said she was fat.
    Al Large: No, you said she was fat.
    Pauline Lamb: No - I said she was obese.

### The Departed [4.05]

    (A passenger sitting next to Martin on the train has just died. Martin has pulled the communication cord to summon help)
    Conductor: I've never seen a dead body before. I'm not really sure what to do - I missed that day of training.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I think it's best we get a move on.
    Conductor: But he's... you know, dead.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It's not a condition that's going to change the longer we stop here.
    Conductor: Maybe we should say something.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: He won't hear.
    Conductor: He's probably gone to a better place.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Well at least *one* of us has.
    Conductor: I suppose that reminds you how precious life is. You know. Living each moment as the last, Carpe diem, Hakuna matata...
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: This man celebrated his precious life by eating junk food and giving himself a heart attack.

### Midwife Crisis [4.06]

    Louisa Glasson: You always have to be in control. Do you? "I'm the doctor. I'm the expert. I'm so clever."
    Bert Large: Your husband - is he *really* poorly?
    Marigold: He's a man, so he's at death's door, isn't he?
    (Martin is late at a lunch for his professional future and Edith rings him)
    Dr. Edith Montgomery: An ambulance would not be more appropriate?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Edith, there is a sick man on Bodmin Moor, I'm on Bodmin Moor and I'm a doctor.

### Do Not disturb [4.07]

    PC Joe Penhale, to Martin when he knows that Doc is going to London: I'll miss our chats.

### The Wrong Goodbye [4.08]

    Dr. Edith Montgomery: You conquered your blood phobia, now you have a fear of intimacy.
    Little Susie: (About Louisa) Is she your girlfriend?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No.
    Little Susie: How tall are you? Why do you look so sad?
    Little Susie: What is that you've got there?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Mind your own business. Shoo!
    Little Susie: What does "shoo" mean?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It means go away.
    Little Susie: But why didn't you say, go away?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: GO - AWAY!
    (One of the movers shows Martin a bult in his hand)
    Mick: It's cancer, wasn't it? How long have I got left? A year? Two?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Grabs a book from a packing box)
    Mick: Oh bloody hell, you know it's bad when even the doctor has to look it up in a book.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It's a ganglion, a cyst of the joint. Hold your hand up. (Swings the book hard and hits his hand)
    (After that, Martin watches that the ganglion is vanished)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: There are still boxes in this room.
    John the Paramedic: (To Martin): A little advice, mate. The less you speak, the better it is for everyone.

## Series 5
### Preserve the Romance [5.01]

    Shopkeeper: How are you, Louisa? Are you sore?
    Louisa Glasson: A little bit.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Where?
    Louisa Glasson: It's nothing.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Where are you sore?
    Louisa Glasson: Where do you think?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Is it just the perineum?
    Louisa Glasson: The what?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: The perineum—between the anus and the vagina.
    Louisa Glasson: (Embarrassed) Martin, we're in a shop.
    (To Martin after talking about the perineum)
    Mike Chubb: Preserve the romance, Dr. Ellingham.
    Mrs. Tishell: Have you had this medication before?
    Mrs. Bollard: No.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No. And why is that, Mrs Bollard?
    Mrs. Bollard: Don't know, Dr. Ellingham.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yes, you do. You've already damaged your liver and, until you get your alcohol consumption under control, Diclofenac will make it worse.
    Mrs. Bollard: The new doctor said I could have some for my ankles.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Well, she's wrong. Put it back.

### Dry Your Tears [5.02]

    Louisa Glasson, to Ruth, having just met her: So, you're Joan's sister.
    Dr. Ruth Ellingham: That's right. I'm sure Martin's told you all about me.
    Louisa Glasson: Oh, yes, yes, of course, he has.
    Dr. Ruth Ellingham: Don't lie, dear; but, if you must, do it with conviction.
    (Martin's speech on his aunt's funeral)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Cardiovascular diseases cause more deaths in this country than any other medical condition. Joan was overweight, refused to exercise, and had a poor diet. Cardiovascular disease is caused by an atheroma in the walls of the arteries around the heart. A good percentage of the people in this church are clinically obese. Eating a healthy diet and keeping physically active not only protects your heart but reduces the risk of a stroke or dementia.
    Bert Large: Bert Large. Proprietor.
    Dr. Ruth Ellingham: Ruth Ellingham. Psychiatrist.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Did you know that Joan left you the farm?
    Dr. Ruth Ellingham: That bloody woman. And I only gave her slippers for Christmas.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: You do realise that vegetables grow on your farm?
    Dr. Ruth Ellingham: If they leapt out of the ground and cleaned themselves, I might be tempted to cook them.

### Born with a Shotgun [5.03]

    (Bert Large is at the surgery because of a revision)
    Bert Large: Cristals and canals on my ear? The next you will tell me is that I've got a magic castle with a fairy princess on my nose.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Why that?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: There's a peculiar odour in this room...
    PC Joe Penhale: I'm afraid that's the smell of murder, Doc.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: It's like... garlic.
    PC Joe Penhale: And French cooking.
    Louisa Glasson: Oh, and read him a bed time story. He seems to like the one about the talking fire engine.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Hm. Highly unlikely he can grasp the concept of a fire engine, let alone one that's apparently sentient.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Martin's bed time story) Um. This is an article by Dr Henry Wolfestein on the need to focus on cytotoxic therapies for cancer patients. That's a picture of Dr Wolfestein there. Patients with advanced liver cancer who had not previously received chemotherapy were randomly allocated to three different regimens representing minimal, conventional and intensive cytotoxic treatment. Patients with impaired renal function were excluded from the study and the results stratified according to retrospective analysis based on previous research.

### Mother Knows Best [5.04]

    Eleanor Glasson: (To Louisa) It's been such a long time. I suppose I should be annoyed by making me a grandmother. I'm a bit young for that. Don't you think?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Biological speaking you are exactly on the right age. Fifty-seven, fifty-eight.
    Eleanor Glasson: (Eyeing Martin) Yeah. Round there.
    Eleanor Glasson: Have you got any avocado oil?
    Mrs. Tishell: This is a pharmacy, not a voodoo store, Eleanor.
    Eleanor Glasson: Sally! I didn't recognise you. Sea air is *really* harsh on the skin, isn't it?
    Mrs. Tishell: You're back.
    Eleanor Glasson: Yes, for Lulu.
    Mrs. Tishell: Yes, that will be a nice change for Louisa.
    Eleanor Glasson: Not before time, thank God. Poor thing's swamped. And that man of hers - total waste of space.
    Mrs. Tishell: (Indignantly) Doctor Ellingham is one of the finest human beings I have ever met.
    Eleanor Glasson: (Cattily) Well I don't suppose you meet that many. Never really heard the call of the wild, did you?
    Mrs. Tishell: I heard the call. I just chose not to listen. I leave that to the likes of you.
    Eleanor Glasson: Life's adventuress.
    Mrs. Tishell: That wasn't quite the word I had in mind.
    (Martin and Louisa are speaking about Eleanor)
    Louisa Glasson: I'be managed perfectly alone all these years. I don't need her interfering now.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: But you wrote to her about the baby.
    Louisa Glasson: Yes, of course I did.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: So you must to want to her to have some kind of involvement with him.
    Louisa Glasson: I don't know! It wasn't a rational thing, Martin!
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: No.
    (Louisa sighs)
    Louisa Glasson: (Listening to James on the baby monitor) He's stopped crying!
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Maybe I should go and check.
    Louisa Glasson: Martin. She's my mother. I'll be the one that doesn't trust her.
    Louisa Glasson: Don't wake him!
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Smell that. Alcohol.
    Louisa Glasson: No. She wouldn't!
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What else does it look like?
    Eleanor Glasson: I'll just be off. If ever you need a babysitter, you know where I am.
    Louisa Glasson: Did you put something in this?
    Eleanor Glasson: Just a few drops of my tonic. He loves it. It's homeopathic - sort of.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What do you mean "sort of"?
    Eleanor Glasson: Camphor, lavender, bit of thyme, apple peel.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Yeast. Yeast in the apple peel turns the plant sugars into alcohol.
    Louisa Glasson: It's alcoholic!
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: You have drugged our child.
    Eleanor Glasson: Don't you think you're taking this a bit far? I've been taking it for years.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Haven't you noticed the effect it has on you? I have.
    Eleanor Glasson: Never did you any harm.
    Louisa Glasson: Just go. Please.

### Remember me [5.05]

    Dr. Martin Ellingham: How was London that time?
    Dr. Ruth Ellingham: Noise, crowds, heat, pollution... I loved it.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Come back to the surgery this afternoon, and I'll dress this wound properly. And you must stay off work for at least two days.
    Paul Hale: I can't do that, Doc!
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (Brusquely) Fine. Go back to work. Wait till the soft tissue becomes infected - then I'll gladly amputate your hand when it becomes gangrenous.
    (Martin sees Louisa sitting at his desk)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What are you doing here?
    Louisa Glasson: Surgery is now on session. (Mimicking Martin) What medical complaint do you have?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: What?
    Louisa Glasson: "What" is not a medical complaint. Don't waste my time. (Pointing to the door) Get out! Out! Out! Out! (Stops mimicking him) I'm doing you.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: We should make some time later to discuss the child's name.
    Louisa Glasson: (She stands up) Right. Yes. (She bows a bit) I'm going to make an appointment. (Leaves the surgery)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: That will not be necessary.
    (Louisa talks to Martin about Eleanor's meeting with Paul Hale)
    Louisa Glasson: I think they have a date. You know the worst thing is? I'm actually a bit jealous. Because while she gets out and funs I'm here at home. With a baby and you. (Martin is eyeing her seriously) But in a good way.
    (Morwenna comes in the surgery while Martin is attending to a patient)
    Morwenna Newcross: I'll knock later. You have to go!
    (Morwenna is reluctant to be revaccinated for tetanus because of her fear of needles)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Unless you let me give you that injection, I will fire you.
    (Morwenna faints and falls on the floor when sees the syringe in Martin's hand)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: I'll do.

### Don't Let Go [5.06]

    Dr. Ruth Ellingham: (Eating a chicken dinner in Ruth's kitchen) So, who's going to look after the baby while you're at work?
    Louisa Glasson: My mother.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: If she remembers to turn up.

### Cats & Sharks [5.07]

    Al Large: You went to a loan shark?
    Bert Large: That's not what it's called them so!
    Al Large: But you know that what it is!
    (Mrs. Dingley comes in Martin's house to be attended)
    Mrs. Dingley: Are you open?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham (Next to the receptionist's desk): Door is unlocked. Most people take that as a good indication.
    (Al and Bert Large are asking for PC Penhale's help with their problem with the loan shark, but the police officer is reluctant to give it because that's not a criminal matter, but a civil one.)
    PC Joe Penhale: I'm saying I can't. My hands are tied ... by the Law.
    Bert Large: You know what, Joe? The Law is an arse.
    (Martin is expecting an ambulance for Eleanor because of a dangerous hernia to be extirpated)
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Morwenna!
    Morwenna Newcross: If you are asking about the ambulance, don't bother. It's not coming. It's not my fault. They annotated the call as from Portwegggan. It has just arrived there.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Call another ambulance.
    Morwenna Newcross: I did that. They are trying to find one. Are you happy to wait?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: Of course I'm not happy!

### Ever After [5.08]

    Eleanor Glasson: Look, what I'm trying to say is, you know, - I'm proud of you.
    Louisa Glasson: And?
    Eleanor Glasson: That's it.
    Louisa Glasson: No. There's always something else.
    Eleanor Glasson: This place has made you paranoid - I'm leaving Port Wenn.
    Louisa Glasson: And there we have it.
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: ...and I do hate Port Wenn. I hate the people - their pinched faces, and their ridiculous accents, and their unerring knack of catching any virus that comes within a five-mile radius! They spread contagion like a bush fire! But it's where I want to be, because you're here.

## Season 6
### Sickness and Health [6.01]

    (Church. Martin is expecting Louisa, who is 15 minutes late.)
    Reverend: About a month ago, we had a man standing right there 15 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour, two hours, I think we had three before the penny dropped. ... Apparently she run off with the best man.
    PC Joe Penhale: You don't have to worry about that with me, Doc.
    (Martin and Lousa are in front the reverend at the church to be married)
    Louisa Glasson: Are you nervous?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: :(Mumbles)
    Louisa Glasson: Me too.
    Reverend: If anyone present show just cause why they should not be lawfully married, speak now or forever hold your peace.
    (Baby James Henry, hold by Morweena, begins to crying)
    Dr. Ruth Ellingham: Out of the mouth of babes!
    PC Joe Penhale: Today a great man, a great physician and the greatest thing to happen to Portwenn since the new parking area at the beach. Married to one of our natural treasures: Louisa Glasson.... Finallly they have arrived at their destination. Back in 1984. Tina Turner asked the question: "What's love got to do? It got to do with it". And the answer is...

### Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? [6.02]

    Dr. Martin Ellingham: (To Dennis Dodds) Would you like to come to dinner? If you have a partner or wife you can bring her too. (To Louisa) What do you think, darling?

### Nobody Likes Me [6.04]

    Dr. Martin Ellingham: We'll make an appointment to come back in a four days.
    Patient: What happens if I drop there before them?
    Dr. Martin Ellingham: We'll cancel the appointment.

### Listen with Mother [6.07]

    (Martin's mother is surprised to see Ruth in Portwenn)
    Dr. Ruth Ellingham: I think the word that you are looking for is "hello."

### Departure [6.08]
## External links

* http://sharetv.org/shows/doc_martin_uk/quotes/
* http://www.quotefully.com/tvshow/Doc%20Martin/

## References

Doc Martin DVD Series 1-5.