# Fast and Loose

Fast and Loose is a British improvised sketch show aired by the BBC in 2011. It is currently in its first season.

## Season 1
### 14 January 2011 [1.01]
#### Facts

In which participants have to tell Hugh the most fascinating fact they know about one of their co-performers
    Justin Edwards: Well, I'm 6 foot 5, Humphrey is 6 foot 6, and Greg is a pervert.
    Marek Larwood: Greg's name is spelt exactly the same forwards as it is backwards.

#### DVD

In which participants have to tell Hugh the DVD they would hate to receive as a gift
    Humphrey Ker: Well Hugh, I love music so the DVD I would hate to receive is Jamie Oliver lisps the hits of Fleetwood Mac.
    Greg Davies: I actually made a terrible mistake last Christmas and accidentally bought my mum a porn remake of a classic. She didn't like "Forest Gimp". "Life is like a box of butt-plugs. It hurts"...That's not going to get in.
       Hugh Dennis: Depends how sharp the butt-plug is.

#### Unsuccessful Chat-Up Lines

In which participants dance to music, and when the music stops say the most unsuccessful chat-up line they can think of
    Justin Edwards: Hey, haven't I seen you before somewhere? Oh no, that was a different ugly woman.
    Laura Solon: Oh my God! I used to have that exact same t-shirt when I was a man!
    Pippa Evans: Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? Because I can make it happen!
    Greg Davies: Yeah, I really like bald girls.
    Humphrey Ker: Hey baby, I'm strong and sensitive. [Cries] And you're not even listening to me!
    Marek Larwood: Urm...I have just swallowed an abacus. Because it's what's on the inside that counts.

#### Right Way, Wrong Way

In which Greg and Pippa demonstrate the right way to propose, while Laura and Justin show the wrong way.
    Hugh Dennis: Right, will Justin and Laura shows us the wrong way to arrive at the location.
       Justin Edwards: I'll have two cheeseburgers, two onion rings, and two onion rings. [Turns to Laura] Do you want anything?
    Hugh Dennis: Right, now can you both show us the wrong way to do the actual proposal.
[Justin stands up, rubs his crotch, scratches his bottom and then smells his hand]
    Laura Solon: Sorry, I was very drunk when we slept together and I can't remember your name.
    Hugh Dennis: And now Justin and Laura are going to show us how not to set the seal on an already disastrous evening.
       Justin Edwards: What do you mean: "no"? How many offers are you going to get?
    Laura Solon: Well firstly it's going to be awkward because I've slept with both of your parents.
       Justin Edwards: [Shrugs] So have I.

### 21 January 2011 [1.02]
#### Hugh Dennis Facts

Participants have to say the most interesting facts they know about Hugh.
    Humphrey Ker: Hugh Dennis was abandoned in Windsor Great Park as a child, and raised by swans!
    Wayne Brady: When the dark times comes and hall humanity is forced to flee to the stars, we will all gather in Hugh Dennis and take off for Mars.
       Hugh Dennis: I've certainly got a very powerful arse.
    Jess Ransom: Hugh never turns down an opportunity to tap dance.
       Hugh Dennis: I'm afraid you got that one from wikipedia.

#### What Tattoo

Participants tell where they would get a tattoo, and what it would say.
    Wayne Brady: I would get a tattoo on my left thigh saying "Welcome to London Zoo", and on my right thigh a sign with an arrow saying "Snake Exhibit.
       Hugh Dennis: I see where you're coming from...

#### Pretentious Party

In which Hugh plays some music, and when the music stops the participants have to say the most pretentious line they can think of.
    Justin Edwards: Yeah, in my spare time I like to translate Will Self's work into Sanskrit.
    Laura Solon: Bono: Singer, saint, but is he also art?
    Jonathan Mangum: My package is so big you never have to ship it overnight because it's already there.
    Wayne Brady: I'm so pretentious Kayne West called me and said "Wayne, stop being so pretentious".
    Humphrey Ker: For me parmezan, isn't a hard cheese, it's a way of life.
    Jess Ransom: Rayon de Soleil. Oh sorry, did I say that in French?

### 4 February 2011 [1.04]
#### Show Reels

Participants have to say the most disastrous thing that could be sent out on television.
    Jonathan Mangum: [Forest Gump accent] Mom always said life was like a box of chocolates: sometimes you get nuts in your mouth.
    Justin Edwards: Bang, and my wife was gone.
    Pippa Evans: And next on Blue Peter, I'll be showing you how you can use this cling-film to make a sure-fire contraceptive.
    Jonathan Mangum: And welcome back to the organ shopping network, next up: livers! [giggles]
    Waybe Brady: Next up, Stephen Hawking on "Dancing With The Stars".
    Jonathan Mangum: And welcome back to Dave's Pizza and Funeral Parlour. Just because your grandma's stiff doesn't mean your crust has to be.

#### Rumours

In which participants have to say the most amazing rumour they've heard about Hugh Dennis
    David Reed: I've heard that an anagram of your name can tell you how you're going to die. It's true. Hugh Dennis is an anagram of..."Hung In Shed".
       Hugh Dennis: That's actually how my father died.
    Justin Edwards: Well I've heard that Hugh Dennis isn't really your last name, and it's actually "Giddiot".

#### Facts

In which participants have to tell Hugh the most fascinating fact they know
    Ruth Bratt: There are nine million bisexuals in Beijing.
    Wayne Brady: Cats do not like being placed in microwave ovens.
    Justin Edwards: It's a little known fact that if you remove Chris Moyle's lower intestine, I will buy you a car.

#### Early TV

In which participants revisit "The Jerry Springer Show" as it would have been.
    Hugh Dennis: [As "Gerald Springer"] How old is your son?
       Pippa Evans: [As mother] He's nineteen ye-
          Justin Edwards: [As father] Don't talk!
    Justin Edwards: I'm a simple man: I write a penny farthing, I have syphilis and I beat my wife.
    Hugh Dennis: [As "Gerald Springer"] Lets introduce the girl. Welcome! So, did Joey chose you himself?
       Ruth Bratt: [As girl] Of course not.
          Pippa Evans: [As mother] We won her in a Tombola.

#### Unsuccessful Chat-Up Lines

In which participants dance to music, and when the music stops say the most unsuccessful chat-up line they can think of
    David Reed: I like my women like I like my starbucks, weak with an unwieldy cup-size.
    Jonathan Mangum: Hey, does this rag smell of chloroform to you?
    Ruth Bratt: [shouting] I just want babies!
    Wayne Brady: Hey girl, you must be an angel, did you fall out of heaven? Is my dad up there?
    Pippa Evans: Is that a ladder in your tights or a varicose vein?
    Justin Edwards: Mmmmm, you're as pretty as a picture. Unfortunately, it's a picture of some shit.

### 11 February 2011 [1.05]
#### Favourite Words

    Justin Edwards: My favourite world is "aquittal."
    Greg Davies: Well, Hugh, I come from a wealthy family so my favourite word is "bereavement."

#### Pick-Up Lines

    Justin Edwards: I'm actually a body-builder. I built this one out of Turkish Delight and chips.
    Humphrey Ker: I'm looking for someone who loves dogs. And I mean really loves dogs.
    Greg Davies: I didn't really want to come out tonight, to be honest, but Tony said it was a good idea. [Looks down to his crotch] Didn't you Tony?
    Laura Solon: I'm just looking for a real man; because I find sex with wooden ones gives me splinters.
    Pippa Evans: Describe myself in three words? Okay. Violent, insecure and barren.
    Marek Larwood: Well I'm looking for a mermaid, or someone who can cope with a consistent bed-wetter.
    Justin Edwards: With me, what you see is what you get. You can read me like a book; and that book is "Mein Kampf".
    Humphrey Ker: What animal would I say I was? Well, probably an elephant: thick skinned, has a good memory, and giant, grey, testicles.
    Greg Davies: Yes, the ladies call me the donkey. Not that it does many good these days, you have to hit it with nettles to get anything out of it.
    Laura Solon: I want a husband, but I don't want kids, right, because childbirth is pretty much impossible. I did some experiments at my house this morning, and basically, anything bigger than a My Little Pony gets jammed.
    Greg Davies: I'm very romantic. I once bought a lady a rose. I say "bought", I stole it... I say "rose", it was a dead swan.
    Marek Larwood: Uh. Uh. [Hugh buzzes] Uh. [Hugh buzzes] Uh! [Hugh buzzes] Uuh! [Hugh buzzes] Uuh! [Hugh buzzes] Uuh! [Hugh buzzes] Uuuh! [Hugh buzzes] Uh!

#### Bad Names for a Restaurant

    Justin Edwards: Fat Dick at Bray.
    Humphrey Ker: Sloppy Seconds.
    Pippa Evans: You kill it, I cook it.
    Marek Larwood: Burget Twat.

#### Birthday Wishes

    Greg Davies: It's the same wish every year, Hugh, and it's a simple one. I wish all the fighting would stop, and if there's time I wish I had a penis like a farmboy's arm holding a pumpkin.
       Hugh Dennis: Would that not rot after a while?

#### Pretentious Party

In which Hugh plays some music, and when the music stops the participants have to say the most pretentious line they can think of.
    Humphrey Ker: There's something really cathartically nihilistic about Bargain Hunt.
    Laura Solon: What most people fail to realise is that Guantanamo Bay is actually a very interesting piece of site-specific installation of theatre.
    Greg Davies: When I'm inside you, I am you.
    Pippa Evans: For my son's nativity, I wrapped the baby in Parma Ham.
    Justin Edwards: And then we made our own pesto from the after-birth.

### 18 February 2011 [1.06]
#### Audition Tapes

Most disastrous clip that could be sent out to get on television.
    Justin Edwards: Welcome to topless darts. I'm Keith, lets get started.
    Ruth Bratt: [In an increasingly irate voice] Good morning children. Or is a good morning? No. Will it ever be a good morning again? No. And you know why? Because men are essentially disappointing.
    Humphrey Ker: [Posh accent] Hello, I'm Humphrey Ker and I'm auditioning for the role of Philip Mitchell. Do what, you slag? Come round my pub, I'll do you one real good.
    Justin Edwards: My idea for a show is a bit "Loose Women", it's a bit "Cash in the Attic", it's a bit like "Hairy Bikers". I call it "Hairy Woman in my Attic".
    Humphrey Ker: I'll be reading for the part of "Cheeky Hitler". [Camp German accent] You guys! Don't tell me you're having a bunker part without cheeky Hitler.
    Justin Edwards: Had an accident at work? So have I, and that's why I wear adult nappies.

#### Facts

In which participants have to tell Hugh something he doesn't know
    Justin Edwards: My PIN number is 4-7-3-nooooo!
    Pippa Evans: I once drowned a man...
    Humphrey Ker: Here's something you don't know, Hugh. You don't know how much it hurts when you ignore me when your wife is around!
    David Reed: The drink will never stop the pain, Hugh.

#### Sexy Voice

Participants have to say the least-alluring thing they can in a sexy voice
    Ruth Bratt: You've dropped bin juice, all down the stairs.
    Pippa Evans: I've just had a dirty burger. With loads of chilli sauce, garlic sauce, and raw onion [breathes out in a sensual way].

#### Granny Used To Say

Participants have to share some wisdom that granny used to say
    Ruth Bratt: My granny used to always say: "We didn't call it sex in those days, but I imagine that's what it was."
    Justin Edwards: My grandmother used to say: "Turn on the oxygen you little sod".
    Pippa Evans: My granny did actually once say to me: "Barbie and Ken are not allowed in the caravan until they are married."
    Tom Parry: Why are you wearing my clothes?

#### Unsuccessful Chat-Up Lines

In which participants dance to music, and when the music stops say the most unsuccessful chat-up line they can think of.
    Ruth Bratt: I've decided to settle. You will do.
    Justin Edwards: Did you fall from heaven? Because you look like you've landed in some shit.
    Pippa Evans: You look like Sophie Dahl, before she lost the weight.
    Tom Parry: You know they say a lobster mates for life. Well, I've got crabs.
    Humphrey Ker: Hey baby, was your father an angel? Because I want to have sex with you.
    David Reed: Put your coat on love, because your dress is shit.

#### Granny Used To Say

Participants come up with a bad name for a pub.
    Tom Parry: The Horse and Prince Charles
    David Reed: The Baby's Arms

### 25 February 2011 [1.07]
#### Pick-Up Lines

    Jusin Edwards: Hi, I'm quite sweet-natured and I'm really quite outgoing, by which I mean I've got diabetes and I'm homeless.
    Greg Davies: I'm sure it'll all go swimmingly well, but if we do have children, you'll have to raise them as I'm not allowed to spend time with them.
    Laura Solon: People that know tell me that, apparently, from the waist down, I look exactly like Princess Anne.
    Jusin Edwards: I'm quite a sophisticated eater. (burps) You see, there's sea bass on that.
    Laura Solon: My name is Katerina, but people that know me call me "that racist hooker with the STDs".
    Greg Davies: Yes, don't be put off by the carrier bag. I always have that with me. Better that than you see the naked horror of the prolapse.
    Laura Solon: I have only got one egg left, so don't fuck this up!

#### All About Me

In which participants have to describe Hugh in one line
    Jusin Edwards: Brother of Les.
    Greg Davies: Judging from your behaviour in my dressing room earlier, someone who doesn't understand the phrase "no means no"!
    Pippa Evans: (loudly) Very, very depressing!
    Marek Larwood: Um... I'd say you were nice in the lounge, but really nasty in the bedroom.

#### Autobiography

In which participants have to choose a title for their life story
    Greg Davies: "Oh, there he is, look! It's Gregory. He's massive, isn't he? Are you having a nice time at school?" "No, I'm not at school any more, Uncle Dan. I'm 42!"
    Marek Larwood: That Pig Does Not Go In There.