# Grandma's Boy

Grandma's Boy is a 2006 film about a 35 year-old video game tester who ends up homeless, and has to move in with his grandmother and her two zany, elderly roommates.
    Directed by Nicholaus Goosen. Written by Barry Wernick, Allen Covert and Nick Swardson.

## Alex

* [to children sitting at wedding reception table] So, you can't kill the demon at the end of level six? Do you have the magic arrows? Easy, here's what you do. Hide behind the boulder. When the demon comes out of the cave, shoot him three times with the magic arrows. Then his head will start to spin. Once that happens, you jump up on the boulder, you do a flying downward thrust with the sword of doom, and that's it - level six is done.
* Oh! Oh! Oh my God! I'm sorry, I can't stop cumming, I'm sorry! Oh-ho-ho, it feels so good!
* Jonny...? Who the fuck is Jonny?
* Hey JP, that's a great outfit. How much do clothes cost in the Matrix?
* My grandma drank all my pot.
* Dude, your bed's a car.
* At least I have a bush!
* You can't get stoned and be an accountant, you make too many mistakes, you lose people millions of dollars, you get fired.
* Dude, you do know that lions eat deer, right?
* Don't judge me, monkey!
* [to J.P. after exiting Samantha's office] You're fuckin' weird, man.
* I didn't wanna disturb you. You were balls deep in that turtle with a thumb in your mouth.
* Yeah, I know...west west, yo.
* Don't slit your wrists, Kane. I'm here.
* There was this fire...and I was trying to save it from this baby...
* Yeah, it was my roommates, they're crazy. They tied me up. I was like one of those little calfs at the rodeo, all helpless, and you know, right when I was about to call the police, I came...and that felt nice.
* Oh, yes! Finally, a roommate who goes shopping. Chicken cutlet, spaghetti with garlic bread, oh my God, the wings to go with the breast. I don't know what you are but I'm gonna fucking eat you, too.
[looking around] Of course she doesn't have a microwave, she's fucking a hundred!
* [while playing video game] This is like if Tyson fought an infant.
* Ooh, dinner time. Oh, Fuck! Damn! Cocksucking fucker ass fuck! Ohhh! Goddamn it!

## Jeff

* Do you need a stuffed animal? I have a dog. I think I have a bear. Yeah, I have a bear.
* I can't believe you came on my mom. You might be the biggest perv in the world right now.
* You were a dirty old whore.
* My roommates said they'd get me rims for christmas. And a CB Radio so I can talk to other car beds.
* I'll run over your attitude. It sucks.
* Line up, you fuckin' nerds. Who wants a shot at the champ?!
* Hi, I'm Jeff. I have a bush too. it's not grey.
* What's goin' on, shitlips?
* What's up, Douche Bigalow?
* You're dead to me, over.
* [sigh] I shoulda' worn a condom.
* That's great, Bobby, but we don't have Dance Dance Revolution, so, you're dumb.
* Nice karma, Guy-Blow.
* I have to pee out of my ass.
* Wassup, Silver Fox?
* Oh, I started a fight club.
* Your shit's weak! Shit's weak! Wizzeak!
* [To JP as he passes by] Hey look, it's Bono's brother!
* [Mimicking J.P.] My name is JP. I am a robot. I like robots. I have a robot vagina.
* Let's do it. The levels, I mean, not sex.
* What does "high score" mean? "New high score." Is that bad? What does that mean? Did I break it?
* That's cool...if you wanna be sober and vomit.
* Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing, but doing your grandmother and her two roommates? That's like, legendary!
* Do you have bathrooms here or do I have to shit in a plant?
* Okay, so who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era? Yeah, put your hands up for that one. This chick's pussy smelled like the Great Depression.
* Dude, we were just kidding, JP. [mimicking JP's Robot voice] Don't be mad at us!
* Hey Samantha, don't take the red pill!
* Let's fucking rage!
* Who wants to hear about my blowjob from the World War? Yeah... [news anchor voice] "A little Hiroshima on my balls."
* Who wants to know what Jackie Gleason's balls tasted like? Yes, cornbread.
* Fruitcup? Nice. Way to go, Mom!
* Hello? ...Cool. I hope it's a naked dude with a boner.
* I love my turtle.

## J.P.

* [robot voice] Adiós, turd nuggets.
* Oh, yeah... Careful is my middle name, heh. Actually, it's not, it's Philip. [sobs]
* How can he see me?
* But underneath this genius...I'm simply a human. You know. But I'm working on that.
* Does it scare you, Kain?
* It's the future of gaming.
* You would if you had robot ears.
* I want to get you a black cobra just to go around the neck...
* [robot voice] I hate your face!
* [robot voice] I am not amused.
* [robot voice] Please sit on my face.
* [robot voice] I want you to drink from my man faucet.
* [robot voice] Must ingest more fuel.
* [when Alex asks him how his game is going that he is developing] People will bow to it.
* [robot voice, in dismay] SAMANTHA is fucking ALEX!
* You will never have metal legs.
* All I've ever cared about was video games and they made me a millionaire. So maybe I don't know what the Civil War was, or who invented the helicopter, even though I own one. But I did beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk.
* I'm thinking about getting metal legs. It's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it.

## Mr. Cheezle

* It's a wonderful dandelion/nettle blend. Very cleansing. Good for new beginnings.
* Later you guys!
* I had a dream last night. I dreamt I was a dove flying over the sea. And then I dove into the ocean... And I swam with the dolphins. I was two animals joined as one...which meant - good things are coming. Good things.
* Oh, ok, ok... Fair enough, yeah, rage it up. Rage all you want. Good things are coming. Good things.
* I had a dream last night. I was a snake slithering through the grass, until I came upon a dead elk, and I climbed into his soul, and it's there I stayed until morning, which meant I will underestimate someone very close to me.

## Lilly

* [playing video game] Uh-uh, wait your turn. I'm on a roll here. Take that, you dirty dopers!
* [Responding to Grandpa having a few beers at the party, if he was alive] He would have had twenty! No, he had a problem...
* I can hear my hair growing.
* Who wants some cereal? (yeah Colonel Crackers is the best) Oh, I just wish he would hop off the box and hang out with us. I think he's so cute!
* (guess I'm not high enough to get that one) You know what else you're not gonna get, party pooper? The Colonel! Here you go, sweetie. [gruff voice] Sucks to be you, nerd!
* You want an ice cream sandwich? They're on whole wheat with lettuce.

## Grace

* I didn't know you were bringing people. I would've trimmed my antlers!
* That's sweet. Let's see... You're my, uh... I dunno, three-thousand something.
* I'll give you my grandson's number, he's gay too.
* Oh, you can stay as long as you like and love any man you choose!
* Thanks, Alex. Maybe tomorrow you can introduce them to heroin.

## Bea

* Thank you, Mr. President.
* I'm an Antique.
* Space shuttle.
* I wanna eat the TV.
* Dragonflies?

## Dante

* Go, monkey! Karate chop the elephant!
* Oh my God! I am naked... Come on in!
* Suck those jugs, kid!
* The phone is for you. I think it's the Devil!
* Dude, anyone can get past a dog, nobody fucks with a lion!
* Hey, chill, bro. You know you can't raise your voice like that when the lion is here!
* So I looked up in my tree, and there was the fuckin' king of the jungle staring at me. So I called the five-O!
* It's called the Brown Bomber. It'll get you so stoned, you'll shit your pants!
* I'll smoke it with you, bro. We'll go to the looney bin together. I don't give a fuck!
* What is that ringing? Do I have a tumor?
* Drive, monkey, DRIVE!!
* I'm way too baked to drive to the Devil's house!
* This shit's fuckin' crazy!
* Dude, that party was off the hook, kid. Your girl can drink her fuckin' face off!
* I got my yellow belt, monkey got his red belt...he's a quick learner!
* Shut up, monkey, I've got company, dude!
* You look like a bag of shit. You sure you don't wanna borrow my birthday suit?
* I feel like Tom Cruise in Cocktail!
* It's tequila! It's supposed to fuck you up!

## Shiloh

* Stupid fucking idiot. Red-shirted ass.
* Yes, it sucks we don't have alcohol, but we do serve shots...of wheat grass.
* I know the food doesn't sound good, but it tastes good, and is good for you.
* You said it wrong, stupid. It's Shiloh.
* You were sweet.
* Welcome to Our Lady Health. My name's Shiloh, and I'll be serving you today.
* Let's make fun of the vegans and their crazy lifestyle. We're not hurting anybody. Go eat a hamburger and choke on a cow dick!

## Dialogue

    Alex: [after Yuri says he and Josh are being evicted after not paying rent for six months] No, no, that's impossible. We've never missed a payment. Every month, I give Josh hundreds of dollars of my money, and then he writes you a rent check. [to Josh] Right, Josh?
    Josh: [sniffling] I love them so much.
    Alex: [confused] You love who?
    Josh: [sniffling] The girls at Madame Kamay's Filipino Palace.
    Alex: [suspiciously] You've been spending our rent money on Filipino hookers?
    Josh: They're not hookers, they're massage therapists.
    Big Mover: They'll massage your cock for money.
    Mover: There's a word for that. I think it's "hooker"?
    Josh: [angrily] YOU'RE A HOOKER!
    [Mover and Big Mover throw their box of stuff down on the floor and stare at Josh, as if to say "What did you call us?!"]
    Alex: Whoa, wait.
    Yuri: Listen, Alex. I make you a special deal, huh? I give you five minutes to pack up all your shit you don't want thrown away, and if you take one extra minute, I have my two friends...they take your testicles and remove them through your anus.
    Alex: Hey Timmy, can I crash at your house?
    Timmy: Why? So you can jerk off on my mom?
    Alex: Jeff's a fuckin' liar, Timmy!
    Dante: That is pure fucking insanity.
    Alex: Yeah, he got addicted to hookers.
    Dante: No, I'm talking about the guy who threw your bong. You should never throw a bong, kid. EVER.
    Alex: Dude, why don't you pick up your phone? I've been calling for the past half hour!
    Dante: Sorry bro, I was putting up my Christmas tree.
    Alex: Dude, it's the middle of July.
    Dante: Get the fuck outta here! It is?!
    Alex: Dude, why are you naked?
    Dante: Oooh shit, I am naked! Come in.
    Alex: Your ass is tanner than my face.
    Dante: It's not tan, kid. It's bronzed.
    J.P.: School. [nerdy snicker] I didn't need school. All I ever cared about were video games, and they've made me a millionaire. So maybe I don't know what the Civil War was or who invented the helicopter, even though I own one. But I did beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk.
    Samantha: Cool.
    J.P.: Yeah. I'm thinking of getting metal legs. It's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it.
    Dante: Dude, where do you get your weed?
    Mr. Cheezle: From you, Dante!
    Dante: Oh, yeah! What's up, Mr. Cheezle?
    Barry: Hey, Dante, my girlfriend and I caught you on the news the other night.
    Dante: No shit? And by "girlfriend," do you mean that piece of rabbit fur that you rub on your dick every night?
    Barry: [laughing] Yes... [starts to cry]
    Jeff: What's up, Douche Bigalow?
    Alex: Hey, Speed Racer. Did you valet your bed?
    Jeff: No, but I'll self-park it in your asshole.
    Alex: Dude, your bed's a car.
    Jeff: Yeah, but it's a fuckin' sweet car.
    Jeff: Just keep your voice down. My roommates are sleeping.
    Alex: You mean your parents?
    Jeff: Yeah, same thing.
    Alex: Nice jammies.
    Jeff: Thanks. They're a present from my roommates.
    Alex: My grandma drank all my pot.
    Jeff: That's awesome.
    Alex: What?
    Jeff: I mean, how many people can say that in a lifetime?
* Jeff: [to Grace] So I mean, what's it like being old? It's gotta be weird, right? I mean, you saw a lotta stuff go down. World War I, World War II, the automobile, Tupac, I mean...
* Grace: I once gave Charlie Chaplin a handjob.
* Jeff: No way! Was he silent?
* Grace: Not after I got through with him.
* Jeff: So Barry sucked on his first boobie last night.
* [people clap]
* Barry: [proudly] For 13 hours.

## Taglines

* A movie that proves you're never too old to come of age.
* CAUTION: This film contains images and themes such as primates sipping herb, scantily clad women, scantily clad geriatrics, metal legs, sweet car beds, and a lot of dorks playing videogames. If any of these things "spark" your interest, we should definitely hang out this weekend. Enjoy the movie.
* Sex. Drugs. Nakedness. Rude language... And proud of it!
* Gamers, grannies and stoners unite!

## Cast

* Linda Cardellini - Samantha
* Allen Covert - Alex
* Peter Dante - Dante
* Shirley Jones - Grace
* Shirley Knight - Bea
* Joel Moore - J.P.
* Kevin Nealon - Mr. Cheezle
* Doris Roberts - Grandma Lilly
* Nick Swardson - Jeff
* Jonah Hill - Barry
* Kelvin Yu - Kane
* Rob Schneider - Yuri
* David Spade - Shiloh

## External links

* Grandma's Boy quotes at the Internet Movie Database
* Grandma's Boy at Rotten Tomatoes
* The Official Grandma's Boy Site