# Seinfeld (season 8)

    Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 | Main
Seinfeld was an American sitcom that aired on NBC from 1989 to 1998. It revolved around neurotic comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his three equally neurotic friends. A self-described "show about nothing", it is generally considered one of the most popular, influential sitcoms of all time.

### The Foundation [8.1]

    Jerry: It was unprecedented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history. No rejection, no guilt, no remorse.
    Elaine: You've never felt remorse.
    Jerry: I know. I feel bad about that.
    George: What were you saying to the Rosses over there anyway?
    Jerry: Oh man, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.
    George: What is that?
    Jerry: Star Trek 2.
    George: Wrath of Khan!
    Jerry: Yeah, Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap it up in a towel and they shoot him out the bowels of the ship in that big sun glasses case.
    George: [somber] It was a hell of a thing when Spock died.
    Jerry: Yeah.

### The Soul Mate [8.2]

    Newman:
    Her bouquet cleaved his hardened shell,
    And fondled his muscled heart.
    He imbibed her glistening spell,
    Just before the other shoe fell.
    Jerry: I can't believe I'm losing Pam!
    Newman: I know how you feel. For I, too, have a woman for whom I pine.
    Jerry: I thought we were talking about me.
    Newman: Right.
    Jerry: Anyway, I don't need your help. [turns to leave]
    Newman: Oh, don't you? Joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused nightclub rabble that lap up your inane "observations"?
    Jerry: Alright, Newman. What do I have to do to get you to stop pulling the strings for Kramer?
    Newman: Well, there is a little something you can do for me...
    Jerry: C'mon, out with it.
    Newman: It's about...Elaine.
    Jerry: Elaine? What does she have to - [pause] Oh no...
    Newman: You dated her. Give me some inside information. Anything I can use!

### The Bizarro Jerry [8.3]

    Elaine: [to Jerry, talking about the Bizarro versions of Jerry, George and Kramer] Well, I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the excruciating minutiae of every single daily event!
    Kramer: What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?
    Mr. Leland: Kramer, I've... been reviewing your work... Quite frankly, it stinks.
    Kramer: Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes..
    Mr. Leland: No, no, I don't think that's going to, do it, uh. These reports you handed in. It's almost as if you have no business training at all... I don't know what this is supposed to be!
    Kramer: Well, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get ahead.
    Mr. Leland: Well, I'm sorry, but there's just no way that we could keep you on.
    Kramer: I don't even really work here!
    Mr. Leland: That's what makes this so difficult.

### The Little Kicks [8.4]

    George: Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
    Jerry: Elaine danced?!
    George: It's more like a full-body dry heave set to music.
    Frank: I'm sitting at home, reading a periodical, and this is the call I get? My son is a bootlegger? [He hits George in the head]
    George: Ow! Dad...
    Frank: Who put you up to this, was it her?
    Elaine: All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards.
    Frank: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
    Elaine: You got that right.
    Frank: What the hell does that mean?
    Elaine: It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
    Frank: You sayin' you want a piece of me?
    Elaine: I'd drop you like a bag of dirt.
    Frank: You want a piece of me?! YOU GOT IT!!!

### The Package [8.5]

    Jerry: What happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.
    Kramer: That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.
    Jerry: But you were supposed to get me a refund.
    Kramer: You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.
    Jerry: So we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?
    Kramer: It's just a write-off for them.
    Jerry: How is it a write-off?
    Kramer: They just write it off.
    Jerry: Write it off what?
    Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
    Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
    Kramer: Do you?
    Jerry: No. I don't.
    Kramer: But they do and they are the ones writing it off.
    [Jerry is being investigated by Newman for mail-fraud]
    Newman: Let me ask you this. Don't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.
    Jerry: Define "rarely".
    Newman: Frequently.

### The Fatigues [8.6]

    Bania: [reading Jerry's note] "Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it Roundtine." That's gold, Jerry! Gold!
    Kramer: You know Frank, you could take a break.
    Frank: No breaks. I feel reborn. I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona.

### The Checks [8.7]

    Jerry: See that salesman, twirling that umbrella?
    Elaine: Uh huh.
    Jerry: I invented that.
    Elaine: That had to be invented?
    George: [about Elaine's boyfriend] He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?
    Jerry: Who are any of her losers?
    George: You're on that list.

### The Chicken Roaster [8.8]

    Jerry: Hold it. Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!
    Newman: I love broccoli. It's... good for you.
    Jerry: Then maybe you'd like to try a piece?
    Newman: Gladly. [chews broccoli, then spits it out] VILE WEED!
    Jerry: It's for Kramer, isn't it? I knew it! The greasy doorknob, the constant licking of the fingers! He's hooked on the chicken! Isn't he?
    Newman: [desperately] Yes! Now, please, honey mustard! [takes a shot of the mustard, pounds his hand on the counter twice and exhales]
    Elaine: You speak Burmese?
    Peterman: No Elaine, that was gibberish. So did you have any trouble finding the place?
    Elaine: No, you're the only white poet warlord in the neighborhood
    Peterman: Are you an assassin?
    Elaine: I work for your mail order catalog.
    Peterman: You're an errand girl sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill?
    Elaine: Well, actually I do have a bill here, if you could just sign this expense, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here
    Peterman: I'd be happy to Elaine... but I will have to see this hat.

### The Abstinence [8.9]

    Mrs. Wilky: We feel that Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
    Jackie Chiles: Rugged? The man’s a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days! By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothin' more than a shrunken head.
    George: Hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, V, in relation to the trajectory, T, in which G, gravity, of course, remains a constant. [hits a home run] It's not complicated.
    Derek Jeter: Now, who are you again?
    George: George Costanza. Assistant to the Traveling Secretary.
    [hits another home run]
    Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
    George: Do you want to talk about hotels or do you want to win some ball games?
    Derek Jeter: Hey, we won the World Series.
    George: [derisively] In six games. [hits another home run]

### The Andrea Doria [8.10]

    Jerry: You had more bread?
    Elaine: That's not the point. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy, you know? It's kind of a compliment.
    Jerry: Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.
    George: I was handcuffed to the bed... In my underwear, where I remained... [Scene cuts to another story] She was attractive... She was, also, in fact, a Nazi... [Cuts to another story] The water... that I had been swimming in was... very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was... significant shrinkage... [Scene cuts to another story] Her parents were looking at me... So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole... In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man. [Gets up] Thank you. [George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing... ] Oh, also... my fiancé died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. [Sobs and loud crying erupts from the board members] Thanks again.

### The Little Jerry [8.11]

    Kramer: Hey Jerry, is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full.
    Jerry: Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you?
    Kramer: Well, not here. [Goes into the hallway, comes back in with a huge bag]
    Jerry: Kramer, wait a minute, what the hell is that?
    Kramer: Well, it's chicken feed. [stuffs the bag into the fridge]
    Jerry: I sense something is afoot.
    Kramer: Yeah, I bought a chicken.
    George: Allow me. Why?
    Kramer: Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.
    Jerry: Allow me. What are you, an idiot?
    Jerry: So he just shaves his head for no reason?
    George: That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!

### The Money [8.12]

    Jerry You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus?
    Morty: And we want you to have the money.
    Jerry: I don't need the money.
    Morty: What're you talking about? You had a check bounce at the bodega.
    Jerry: Oh, is that what this is all about?! I bounce a check and you sold a Cadillac?!
    Helen: Well, also, Jerry, we read an article in the Sun Sentinel. [digs in her purse and extracts a newspaper clipping] It says standup comedy is not what it used to be, what with Def Jam and all.
    Kramer: Yeah, that Def Jam is a force.
    Helen: Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things about Bloomingdales' executive training program.
    Jerry: Oh my god.
    Kramer: Y'know you've given this comedy thing your best shot. Yeah, you had some good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale thing, that could be the next wave.
    George: You're saying I stand to inherit $300,000, is that what you're saying?
    Jerry: Of course, you may not see it for 20 years.
    George: 20 years... that long?
    Jerry: Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?
    George: Unfortunately, yes.
    Jerry: How's your family history?
    George: I have an aunt that died at age seven.
    Jerry: Really?
    George: Aunt Baby.

### The Comeback [8.13]

    George: Listen to the comeback: "Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you."
    [Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer stare blankly at him]
    George: Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!
    Elaine: How 'bout this one? How 'bout, "Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent."?
    George: What does that mean?
    Jerry: Hey, here you go: "Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six."
    George: No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.
    Kramer: Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.
    Kramer: Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon?
    Elaine: Me?
    Kramer: Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted business woman. When there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on throats.
    Jerry: Oh, come on.
    The lawyer: Situation number four: You're breathing on your own you're conscious, but with no muscular function.
    Kramer: Well, would I be able to communicate? I don't see how. I don't like the sound of this one.
    Elaine: Yeah, let's pull the cord, huh? Yank it like you're starting a mower.
    The lawyer: Moving on.
    The lawyer: You have liver, kidneys and gallbladder but no central nervous system.
    Kramer: Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.
    Elaine: Okay.
    The lawyer: One lung, blind, and you're eating through a tube.
    Kramer: No, that's not my style.

### The Van Buren Boys [8.14]

    Jerry: Who was the last president to have a beard?
    George: Nixon.
    Jerry: No, I mean a real thick beard.
    George: His was thick.
    Jerry: No, I mean like a full long beard like Smith Brothers Cough Drops.
    George: Falkmore.
    Jerry: Who?
    George: Artemis N. Falkmore.
    Jerry: You made that up, right?
    George: Yeah. But it sounds like a president name, doesn't it?
    Jerry: Yeah. Why do presidents all have these bad names? Woodrow, Grover, Millard
    George: The presidency attracts the badly named. Their ambition is based on personal insecurity. It's a classic male overcompensation.
    Jerry: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!

### The Susie [8.15]

    George: [on an answering machine, sung to the tune of Greatest American Hero] Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone, Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home.
    Elaine: I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity.

### The Pothole [8.16]

    Elaine: [after Jerry's girlfriend's toothbrush got knocked into the toilet] You still couldn't kiss her?
    Jerry: She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there.
    Elaine: Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.
    Jerry: Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.
    Elaine: Jer, do you see where this is going?
    Jerry: Being really clean and happy?
    Elaine: Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.
    Jerry: Disorder?
    Elaine: And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.
    Jerry: [thoughtful] Hmm, that could hurt me.
    [Kramer, after spilling flammable paint thinner all over the road]
    Kramer : Bugger!
    [later, after realizing that the paint thinner is highly flammable]
    Kramer: Double bugger!

### The English Patient [8.17]

    Lisa: How could you not love that movie?
    Elaine: How about, it sucked?
    Elaine: [quietly, watching The English Patient] No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long. [yells] Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert, and just die already! DIE!
    J. Peterman: [surprised] Elaine, you don't like the movie?
    Elaine: [shouts] I hate it!
    [the audience shushes Elaine]
    Elaine: Oh, go to hell!
    [Jerry has just returned from Florida, and is putting away his bag. A worried George sits at the table.]
    Jerry: [disbelief] So she wanted you to come up, but you left because you thought some guy might be calling you?!
    [Jerry puts his bag in the bedroom and returns as George paces the floor.]
    George: [animated] Some guy. Some guy? Neil! I have got to find out how he could get a girl like Danielle.
    Jerry: George, you've got Danielle. Forget about Neil. You've out-Neiled him.
    George: [surprised] So, I'm Neil? How did I do that?
    Jerry: I don't know, but you better keep it up.
    George: I'm gonna go meet Danielle. [grabs his coat] There's a new Neil in town! [triumphant laughter] Hahaha!
    [George exits, cheerfully. The phone rings as the door closes.]
    Jerry: [to himself] I try to take a vacation, I come back, the whole operation's a shambles. [answers phone] Hello.
    [In Florida, Helen and Morty each have a handset. Morty is still wearing the '#1 DAD' shirt.]
    Morty: Hey Jerry. Number One here. Did you go see Izzy at the back specialist?
    Jerry: I will, I just walked in the door.
    Helen: You have to go see him.
    Jerry: Ma.
    Morty: Helen, will you stop bothering him.
    Helen: Jerry, that shirt has gone right to his head.
    Morty: Number One, signing off.
    [The Seinfelds hang up. Jerry's door opens and Kramer bursts in, agitated.]
    Kramer: Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station. [shrill] What's going on!?
    Jerry: What?
    Kramer: [animated] They're not real Cubans. They're Dominicans.
    Jerry: So?
    Kramer: So, Jerry, if my investors don't get Cubans, the whole deal's off.
    Jerry: What's the difference?
    Kramer: Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else like it.
    Jerry: [confused] We're talking about people, right?
    Kramer: Yes, yes. The quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma. These guys don't have it.
    Jerry: I thought they smelled pretty nice.
    Kramer: Jerry, your palate's unrefined.
    Jerry: Is not.
    Kramer: Is too.
    Jerry: Is not.
    Kramer: Is too.
    Jerry: I'm not having this conversation.
    Kramer: Are too.
    Jerry: Am not.
    Kramer: Are too.
    Jerry: Am not.
    Kramer: Are too.
    [Kramer is having a meeting with Earl Haffler - the cigar-smoking, stetson-hat-and-string-tie-wearing, Texan businessman he met in The Diplomat's Club.]
    Haffler: Awright, partner. Let's get down to business.
    Kramer: [nervous] Okay, well, uh, I'll uh, I'll get the Cubans.
    [He walks over to the door trying to smile confidently.]
    Kramer: They're right out here.
    [He calls a few words of gibberish Spanish out of the door, and the three guys stroll in. As if to convince Haffler they are in fact Cuban, they are dressed in Castro-style green fatigues and caps.]
    Kramer: Hey, here they are. The Cubans. Real Cubans.
    [Haffler regards the three guys for a second or two.]
    Haffler: You wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl Haffler Dominicans in a Cuban wrapper now, would you?
    Kramer: [fidgety] Oh, now, come on. Look at these boys. If they were any more Cuban, Castro would've smoked them himself. Huh.
    Haffler: [confusion] We're talking about people, right?
    Kramer: [puzzled] I think so.
    Haffler: I thought he quit smoking cigars.
    Kramer: Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled for his brother... [thinks for a second] ...Dennis.
    Haffler: [dubious] Dennis Castro?
    Kramer: Uh, Dwayne.
    Haffler: Get the hell outta my office.
    Kramer: [shrill] What!?

### The Nap [8.18]

    Kramer: Well, my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.
    Jerry: What is that smell?
    Kramer: That's East River.
    Jerry: You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?
    Kramer: Technically Norfolk has more gross tonnage.
    Jerry: How could you swim in that water?
    Kramer: I saw a couple of other guys out there.
    Jerry: Swimming?
    Kramer: Floating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there.
    [A kid is looking through a telescope across the East River alongside his father and he sees Kramer swimming]
    Father: Over there, that's Brooklyn . That's where Spike Lee lives.
    Son: Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.
    Father: Nah, that's probably just a dead body, son. You see, when the mob kills someone they throw the body in the river.

### The Yada Yada [8.19]

    Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex.
    George: Really?
    Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
    Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
    Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.
    Father Curtis: [in a confessional booth] Tell me your sins, my son.
    Jerry: Well, I should tell you that I'm Jewish.
    Father Curtis: That's no sin.
    Jerry: Oh, good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
    Father Curtis: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
    Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian!
    Kramer: Listen to yourself! [putting on a disgusted face] What? You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else in search of a dream, Jerry.
    Jerry: Kramer, Whatley's from Jersey.
    Kramer: Yes, and now he's a full-fledged American.
    Jerry: Kramer, he's just a dentist.
    Kramer: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
    Jerry: I am not an anti-dentite.
    Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs: "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know, you're saying they should have their own schools.
    Jerry: They do have their own schools!
    Kramer: [in a skeptical surprised tone] - Yeah, yeah, yeah!

### The Millennium [8.20]

    Jerry: Good meeting?
    George: There was no meeting. But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.
    Jerry: You can do that.
    George: Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time. You know, uh, I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying "Wow! Now that guy got canned!"
    George: [dragging a World Series trophy behind a golf cart] Attention, Steinbrenner and front office morons: your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it and rotate!

### The Muffin Tops [8.21]

    George: When do you start to worry about ear hair?
    Jerry: When you hear like a soft rustling.
    Jerry: So you're pretending to be a tourist?
    George: It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here, so it's okay if I'm stupid. And she knows I'm only in town visiting, so there's no messy breakups.

### The Summer of George [8.22]

    George: I hereby declare this summer the summer of George!
    [at the hospital after George fell down the stairs]
    Kramer: So how's George?
    Jerry: I don't know. They don't tell me anything. What's that?
    Kramer: [holding his broken Tony award, mournfully] Tony.
    Jerry: What happened to you?
    Kramer: Raquel Welch. [Welch had attacked Kramer after he attempted to fire her from the set of 'Scarsdale Surprise']
    [Elaine turns up, also bruised and with scars on her face]
    Jerry: What happened to you?
    Elaine: Raquel Welch.