# What I Like About You (TV series)

What I Like About You was an American television sitcom set mainly in New York City, following the lives of two sisters, Valerie Tyler (Jennie Garth) and Holly Tyler (Amanda Bynes). The series ran on The WB Television Network from September 20, 2002, to March 24, 2006, with a total of 86 episodes produced. With the exception of a brief period early in the second season, What I Like About You was a headline on The WB's Friday night comedy lineup. The show is now syndicated for reruns on The CW Television Network in the U.S. and on other networks around the world. It will debut on ABC Family at 4PM EST Starting January 20th, 2008.

## Season 1
### Pilot [1.01]

    Holly: Listen, what if I go live with Nana?
    Mr. Tyler: Your grandmother? She's a terrible influence! I mean, c'mon, you know she doesn't use that stuff for glaucoma.
Hi my name is tyler jack
    Mr. Tyler: All right, I'll talk to Val.
    Holly: No, let me do it. You're not that great a salesman.
    Mr. Tyler: Have you seen my plaque? (turns on a light above a plaque on the wall)
    Holly: Yeah. And the picture of the plaque.
    Val: [About a fashion designer] Man, if I could snag a client like her my career would take off like a rocket, bang!
    Jeff: I think you want whoosh. When you're talking rockets, bang is bad.
    Val: Are we dead?
    Jeff: If we are, do I still have to watch "Riding in Cars with Boys"?
    Gary: What are you doing?
    Holly: Oh, I'm just playing a little game. It's called getting killed by the elevator while Gary does nothing! Help me.
    Gary: Oh, sure. Anything for the cause. I mean, I don't want you moving to Japan. Have you seen their trees? They're like yea big!
    Holly: Your life is fascinating . Its fascinating. You're fascinating!
    Jeff: I have a situation.
    Val: What kind of situation?
    Jeff: This mattress is kicking my butt situation!
    Holly: I'm going to stay with Nana until Dad gets back.
    Val: You don't have to stay with Nana.
    Holly: No, Val, it's a good thing. I should spend time with her while I still can.
    Val: What does that mean?
    Jeff: Oh, no! Did Nana get busted?
    Val: She uses it for glaucoma.
    Jeff: Aww, you're so cute...
    Holly: Look, Dad got another promotion at work. They're moving him. Us. To Japan.
    Val and Jeff: Japan!?
    Val: That sucks!
    Holly: That's what I said. Well, in my head. I still have to pay Dad a dollar every time I say suck.
    Val: This is unacceptable...
    Jeff: Wait a minute - what about if you were to say "Hey, kid, don't suck your thumb?" Do you still got to pay him?

### Spa Day [1.02]

    Gary: Don't feel bad. I grew up with this stuff. A lot of people your age have problems with the technology.
    Jeff: My age? Dude, I'm only ten years older than you!
    Gary: You mean like a decade?
    Jeff: So you think I'm old?
    Gary: No...sir!

### Roommates [1.03]

    Jeff: What were you guys doing in there, man?
    Gary: I went in to get my movie!
    Jeff: You like this movie?
    Gary: I love that movie! I'm like obsessed with it! It's one of those movies where I'm like, man, I would love to be one of those characters!
    Jeff: You wanna be one of the Ya-Ya Sisters?
    Gary: No, no! I went in to get "The Matrix," man...this must be Val's.
    Jeff: You want free cheesecake for a year?
    Gary: Sure!
    Jeff: Make it disappear!
    Jeff: You guys aren't fighting, are you? I know how sisters can be.
    Val: You have two brothers.
    Jeff: But I have seen "Ya-Ya Sisterhood"!
    Val: That's about a mother and a daughter! Weren't you paying attention at all?
    Jeff: Yeah... Please don't make me watch it again!
    Jeff: Stupid "Palm Pirate."
    Val: Isn't it called "Palm Pilot?"
    Jeff: Not if you buy it off a guy in a van.
    Val: Same guy who sold you the "Rulex?"
    Jeff: Hey, what's that?
    Holly: It's the "Good Roommate Chart." The GRC.
    Jeff: Oh, yeah. She gave me the GBC - the "Good Boyfriend Chart." It was issued to me after a very unfortunate pull-my-finger incident.
    Holly: ... I heard.

### The Teddy Bear [1.04]

    Holly: (to Gary, on the phone) Don't worry! I'll just tell Jeff you missed the bus. (hangs up, to Jeff) Gary's running late. He's watching "SpongeBob SquarePants".
    Jeff: What a loser! It's a repeat!
Val: Giving feels good, doesn't it Holly? Holly: It's like a rainbow in my heart.
Holly: If anything goes wrong blame the red-headed kid. Val: Why? Holly: Look at him, he's guilty of something.

### Cool Older Sister [1.05]

    Jeff: (to Val) I've been to a million parties like this when I was Holly's age and they're all the same: girls hanging in one side of the room, guys hanging out on the other side. It's pretty boring until some guy named Chad shows up with beer that he got with a fake I.D. Everyone starts drinking, the two sides merge. Chad hits it off with Holly and tells her that he's thinking becoming a pro tennis player, she thinks he's cute because he has the kinda hair that looks perfect when he does nothing to it. He offers her a beer, Holly smiles. I'm going to kill this Chad guy when I get my hands on him!
    Holly:(When Val comments about how Holly's skirt is too short) Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't I go see if I have something in my "Amish" drawer?
    Holly: (to Gary) And then, on the way to school, she said damn. Twice.
    Gary: VAL?
    Holly: Uh-huh.
    Gary: Man, my parents would never let me miss school. You know, for once I would love to NOT win the perfect attendance award.
    Holly: (laughing) Gary, perfect attendance is something to be proud of.
    Gary: That's what it said on the sash.
    Val: How do we figure out where she is?
    Jeff: Would it be cheating if we read the flyer to the party?
    Gary: Time to take one for the scrapbook!
    Holly: What scrapbook?
    Gary: Time to start a scrapbook!
    Holly: So, what you tell your brother you're using the car for?
    Gary: To deliver food to old people.
    Holly: Is that what you told your parents?
    Gary: Oh, no no no, they'd never believe that. They think I'm at a jump-rope marathon for the Heart Association. They donated $30.
    (regarding a spare tire rolling away)
    Gary: I can't believe it'd roll like that...
    Holly: Kind of its job.
    Gary: I'll get it. (goes and then turns around)
    Holly: What?
    Gary: I can't do it. I'm afraid.
    Holly: Of what?
    Gary: Hobos.
    Holly: Hobos? Do they even exist?
    Gary: Girl, yeah, they're making a big comeback!
    Holly: Gary, why would a hobo do anything to you?
    Gary: Because they have nothing to lose.
    Holly: Fine, I'll go get it.
    Gary: Don't be tempted by their free-spirited lifestyle!
    Val: Hey, why is my birthday written on your hand?
    Jeff: Uh... I think the real question is why is mine not written on yours?

### The Parrot Trap [1.06]

    Gary: I can't believe we did this.
    Holly: I know, and to a poor poor little bird
    Gary: Like you even like birds!
    Holly: Oh, be quiet, Gary!
    Gary: Welcome to my place. The International House of Gary.
    Karen: IHOG?
    Gary: Oh, you make it sound so cute!
    Gary: That parrot is my favorite thing in the zoo!
    Jeff: My favorite thing is when the monkeys go off in the corner and... starts enjoying the food pellets!
    Kyle: Well aren't you going to give me the bird?
    Holly: I'd love to give you the bird but I am holding Timmy.

### Copy That [1.08]

    Jeff: (after Jake gives Holly a latte) Jake, huh, nice!
    Holly: Do you want his number?
    Holly: (to Jake) I kinda get the feeling that you like me and don't get me wrong, I like you too. It's just uh.. if you like "like me, like me" then I have to tell you that I don't like you, like you like me
    Jeff: Why don't you just go for it?
    Holly: There is nothing to go for. For starters, his last name is "Wood."
    Jeff: So?
    'Holly: So, Holly Wood. Why even go down that road?
    Holly: I told Jake I knew he had a thing for me, but he denied it. Then he told everyone what I said and now they all think I am conceited.
    Jeff: Are you saying he denied the heat?
    Holly: No, no, he liked me...he just didn't like being rejected by me.
    Jeff: So he did like you, but you rejected him first, then he turned it around to make you the object of ridicule. My God!
    Holly: I know!
    Jeff: That kid's a genius!

### Thanksgiving [1.09]

    Gary: I'm just glad I can spend Thanksgiving here, instead of at the Thorpe Family Cod Fish Extravaganza.
    Val: What, cod fish?
    Holly: You don't eat turkey on Thanksgiving?
    Gary: Oh no no no, turkey - sacred in my family. One actually saved my great-grandfather's life.
    Jeff: Well, they are known for their heroism.
    Gary: True. See, according to legend, my great-grandfather went for a walk on Thanksgiving morning and got lost in a blizzard. Yeah, he wandered around for hours until he came upon a wild turkey, who led him back to safety. And that brave bird was the last turkey my family ever ate.
    Flower Guy: That kind of turkey is not for eatin'.
    Jeff: It's not?
    Flower Guy: Well, it's for eatin' obviously, but you know what I mean!
    Jeff: You know, the MacArthur Red has a higher IQ than any other breed of turkey.
    Gary: Yeah? What's its IQ?
    Jeff: Eight.
    Gary: Hey, do you think that flower guy was serious about the MacArthur Platinum?
    Jeff: Nah, no turkey has an IQ of 12.

### Girls Night Out [1.12]

    Val: You know what I think? I think you need a wingman.
    Holly: You know about wingmen?
    Val: Of course. I also know that butt crack is the new cleavage.
    Holly: Yeah, but you can't keep your money in there.
    Gary: Oh, well, you need money. Well, how about you write a book on how to break the spirit of an eighth grader?
    Eugene: Well, Thorpe, let's say that I did, and it made $100,000. If I decided to split the royalties with you 60/40, how much would you get? I'll be right back. I don't want to get any brains on me when your head explodes.

### The Cheerleading Incident [1.13]

    Holly: (to her iBop) Never should have taken you to that Greek restaurant. It was too dangerous for you. But you're broken now, so you're nothing more to me but a worthless piece of plastic and I hate you!
    Holly: (talking about iBop) Yes it came, I love it and it's mine!
    Gary: You said I could have it!
    Holly: That was before I fell in love with it! I love it, Gary! I love it like a little tiny child! (After Gary leaves) It's ok, baby. The bad man's gone

### Holly's First Job [1.16]

    Val: Okay, she didn't start off as the perfect employee, but how bad could she have been?
    Jeff: She soaked a man's chicken and lost four lobsters.
    Val: She told me five.
    Jeff: Five?! (looks around in alarm)
    Jeff: To be completely honest with you, maybe things worked out for the best.
    Val: What do you mean?
    Jeff: When she left, it was the best.
    Val: Aww... you're exaggerating.
    Jeff: No, after she quit, the busboys had a party. There was dancing.
    Jeff: She's back... for the long haul. How long is the long haul?
    Val: I am proud of her. Do you know how much courage it took to march back in here?
    Jeff: She's courageous? (gestures to the busboys) They have to work with her. They're the real heroes.
    Jeff: So basically, all you need to focus on now is chopping up these peppers.
    Holly: Are you sure you don't want me out there with all the customers? I mean, I'm such a people person.
    Jeff: Oh, I know. But tonight, I need you to be a pepper person.
    Holly: Hey, I finished all the peppers. Want me to go out and help the waiters?
    Jeff: Uh... You finished all the green peppers. You still have two more colors to go!
    Holly: No problem. I'll chop anything in any color.
    Server: We need a poached sal- where is everyone?
    Jeff: Gone!
    Server: Well, who's going to cook the food?!
    Holly: I will!
    Jeff: What? You can't cook.
    Holly: Yeah, I can! I cook killer omelettes.
    Server: That's it? Just omelettes?
    Jeff: No, no, no... that's good. Tell everyone the chef's throwing the menu, it's omelette night.
    Server: Omelette night?
    Jeff: It's whimsical. Go, go, go!
    Gary: Ooh, Holly's making omelettes? Can I have one with sundried tomatoes and just a little-
    Holly and Jeff: No!
    Gary: Uh, Jeff?
    Jeff: What?
    Gary: Either you're missing a lobster or that is one freaky cockroach.
    Gary: Well, I say we celebrate.
    Val: Oh, not with a song...
    Holly: Let's celebrate sitting down.
    Holly: I quit.
    Val: What, you can't quit! You're on a roll.
    Holly (to Jeff): Help me out.
    Jeff: You're fired.
    Holly: Thank you.

### The Breakup [1.17]

    Lauren: Where's the can?
    Val: God, I used to know.

### Dude, Where's Val's Car? [1.18]

    Gary: You lose your girlfriend, you lose your job... nobody's looking, you want a hug?

### Loose Lips [1.19]

    Holly: You guys talking about "The Butt-tender"? Did she also tell you she turned down $35 and a sandwich to be in the sequel?
    Female co-worker: Vic and Val almost kissed?
    Male co-worker 1: That's from the sister, it's gold!
    Male co-worker 2: Does the second floor know?
    (all the employees leave the lunchroom in a hurry)
    Holly: (to Lauren) Don't just stand there, be shocking! Take off your top or something!
    Lauren: Eh, they don't want to see those again.

### The Fix-Up [1.20]

    (Holly and Henry see Henry's older brother's room full of plush toys)
    Holly: Oh my god! Why didn't you tell me about this?
    Henry: He's my brother, do you think I gonna go around bragging about it? I mean, if you had listened to me, this would have never come up.
    Holly: Okay, what does this mean? Why are they here? Oh my god, Teddy Ruxpin...
    Henry: I don't know why they're here, I don't wanna know why, and I hope I die without knowing why.
    Holly: So what, you've never even asked him?
    Henry: Once, and he said "When you're ready, I'll tell you." And then he winked at me, which sent a chill down my spine.
    Holly: Okay, he likes stuffed animals. Does he also like, you know, girls?
    Henry: All I know is that he goes out with a lot of women and they really seem to love him.
    Holly: As what? A friend to go to musicals with?
    Jeff: What do you want me to do, fire her?
    Gary: Jeff, I am shocked that would even cross your mind. But if you must, you must.
    Noah: I'm not gay.
    Val: Well, your bedroom is.

### Tyler v. World [1.21]

    Val: You've wanted this apartment for the past five years. I can't believe you would stoop this low to get it.
    Mindy: Hey, nobody's making you leave, Val. Just your sister.
    Val: Yeah, but you know that if she goes, I'll go with her.
    Mindy: Awwww. How cute. What could be sweeter than two sisters who love each other? Oh, I know. (points to Val's window) Me having a latte every morning on that balcony!

### The Talk [1.22]

    Holly: So, how old were you the first time you did it?
    Val: Eight...years older than you are now!
    Holly: Now, can I ask you a question?
    Val: Hmm?
    Holly: Were you really 24 your first time?
    Val: No.
    Holly: I knew it!
    Val: I've never done it!
    Holly: You eat the last fry.
    Henry: Ah... no, you take it.
    Holly: No, you.
    Henry: No, you.
    Holly: Then it's just going to sit there as a symbol of our consideration for each other.
    (In the men's bathroom)
    Henry: I wanted to be alone with you. I know this isn't the most romantic place - (flushes urinal with his elbow) - but it is the place we met. How about it, you like this take charge thing?
    Holly: I'm loving it.
    Henry: When I first met you, when I came out of that stall and saw you here standing here so angry at your sister, I - god, you're angry at your sister a lot.
    Holly: Can you leave her out of it?
    Henry: Sorry, when I talk about it, it makes me sound wise, and you like it when I'm wise.
    Holly: I like a lot about you, Henry.
    Henry: And I like a lot about you. In fact, I like you so much, it's been hard for me to express myself because I don't want to say or do the wrong thing. I really wanted to kiss you, you know, where you don't kiss me first and I kind of surprise you. A really strong, masculine, sexy, take charge kind of kiss, where I look into your eyes and I-
    (Holly kisses him)
    Henry: C'mon, I wanted to do it!
    Holly: I'm sorry! You were being so explainy and I was standing here-
    (Henry kisses her)
    Henry: I liked that.
    Holly: Me too... next time when we kiss, can we do it in a place that smells less like pee?
    Val: Hey. Where have you been?
    Holly: Dinner with Henry. We had a magical mystical urge to eat.

## Season 2
### I Love You... Soon

    Lauren: Hey, bike messenger.
    Vince: I have a name.
    Lauren: (touches Vince's abs) Yeah, don't care.

### Boys' Club

    Val: Do these pants make my bottom look big?
    Holly: "Bottom?!" You're so Amish!
    Holly: (shouting to Henry, upset and angry) You know me, you know who I am! If-if we've been dating long enough for you to know that if I could have been there I would have! And that, you know, I'm sorry but something came up and I don't feel that I should be punished for that! And to be perfectly honest, I think you're being a little bit of a bitch right now!
    Henry: I have to have major surgery...
    Holly: Oh my God, what is it?
    Henry: I have to have my wisdom teeth removed.(laughs)....
    Henry:... No one knows they're going into a (hush tone) coma when they go into a (hush tone) coma.
    Val: Peter says I've got to be a team player. I have always been a team player, I just happen to hate this team.
    Holly: If you hate work so much, why don't you just quit? Start your own company and you can have exactly the way you want it. Hire all women and maybe a sassy gay guy!
    Val: (circles a finger around Holly's head) Oh, I wish I lived in there, I bet it's full of funny cartoons and stuff.
    Holly: Look, Val, if this is about money, I've got 1300... no... 1100... I've got $75 in my savings account! It's yours.
    Gary: Okay, Val - now, the way Gary sees it, you got three choices: you can find yourself another job and pray it's going to be a better situation, do what Holly said and start your own company, or do what 99% of the world does and stay where you are and suck it up.
    Peter: Here, call the wife and tell her that Mike has arranged for you to take her out on the town, anywhere she wants to go, anything she wants do. If it's furry, get it. If it's sparkly, get it. I want this credit card company to call me up scared.
    Val: So you're talking some hot girl on girl shopping.
    Henry: You know the worst thing a guy can be in his life is a chump. And when I said that, I totally set myself up to be a chump.
    Holly: You're not a chump.
    Henry: Not yet, but it runs strong in my family. My dad was a chump, his dad was a chump, my cousin's a chuuuump. Somebody's got to step up and break the cycle.
    Henry: You need me to chill out, don't you?
    Holly: So so much.
    Henry: Well, I promise you, I will you I will chill out. Because, I don't want to lose you. And the dentist gave me these. (Holds out some prescription pills)
    Holly: Val, you were awesome, I'm so proud of you. I'll be back in two seconds, I'm gonna hit up the supply closet and steal everything that's not nailed down.

### When Holly Met Tina

    Holly: Did you figure out your new company's name?
    Val: Yeah.
    Holly: Well, what is it?
    Val: Val Co.
    Holly: Val Co.?
    Val: You'll like it when you see it with the logo.
    Holly: Does it cover up the name "Val Co." ?
    Val': Holly does it really sound that bad?
    Holly: well i think the hobo around the corner will like it

### The Loft

    Tina: (after Holly and Gary beg her to see Jay Miller's loft) Okay, fine, but you have to promise not to touch anything. (looks at Gary)
    Gary: (reluctantly) Why you lookin' at me?

### Like a Virgin (Kinda)

    Tina: Don't you want to know what she looks like?
    Holly: No. I already have her pictured in my head. She's fat, looks like a troll, and has a glass eye.
    Tina: Then why don't I go and report back?
    Holly: What if she's prettier than me?
    Tina: Then I'll lie.
    Holly: What kind of crappy friend are you?!
    Holly: He doesn't look different.
    Tina: Who?
    Holly: Henry, he still looks like a virgin.
    Tina: Yeah, I think he's stuck with that look.
(When Vince says he did it with a celebrity and nobody can guess who it is)
    Gary: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen?
    Vince: I don't think that's three names or legal.
    Gary: Not for another two hundred and forty-eight days. (loud) I got it! Ann B. Davis! The maid on "The Brady Bunch"!?
    Vince: (pauses, then gives in) Yes.
(Why Tina and Holly have to get off the subway)
    Holly: We need cheese.
    Vince: We got cheese.
    Holly: Spicy mustard?
    Henry: Got it.
    Holly: Toothpicks?
    Gary: Right here.
    Tina: Tampons.
    All the guys: Aw, hell no!

### No More Mr. Nice Guy

    Vince: (to Val and Holly) So it's Friday night and you're going to the gym and you're staying home. You guys are such animals!
    Val: People from Yale are such jackasses.
    Vince: Hey! My father went to Yale!
    Val:Ooh. Sorry. I'm sure he was a very nice man.
    Vince: No, I'm just kidding. My father's a loser.
    Vince: Got any tools?
    Holly: Oh, yeah. (hands Vince small pink tool box)
    Vince: (takes it and pulls out a small red hammer) Could take a while!

### Absence Makes the Heart Grow...Never Mind

    Lauren: (to Val) Your sister's got two boyfriends and you got none!

### The Hospital

    Holly: I killed him, Gary, or he's okay we're still waiting.
    Vince: (on what he saw before the car hit him) I also saw my baseball glove, my gross Uncle Ruben, and an unfamiliar cat.

### Your Cheatin' Heart

    Henry: (to a shirtless Gary) I got to say I'm really uncomfortable.
    Gary: Yet you can't look away!
    Rick: Look at you!
    Val: Look at you!
    Rick: I'd rather look at you.
    Henry: (to Holly) I would like to point out that the "salad" (Henry) is going to an Ivy League school while the "beef" (Vince) rides a bike for a living.
    (After seeing shirtless Gary)
    Lauren: Sweet mother of God!
    Val: Holy crap!
    Holly, Tina, and male customer: Damn!

### Sky Rink Sucks

    Holly: Can you still get girls?
    Vince: Isn't that our whole problem?

### The Second Season Finale
## Season 3
### Split Ends

    Holly: How great is it that Ben got a gig at the diner?
    Vince: So great. Now I get to see even more of that guy. All Ben, all the time.
    Val: (Covering her wrist) You'll never guess what Rick got me as a wedding present!
    Holly: (gasps) A pony!?
    Val: A diamond bracelet!
    Val: It's a letter to Rick with a heart. I don't do hearts, I do smiley faces. (Lauren takes it) What are you doing?
    Lauren: (Opening the letter) A little open heart surgery.
    Holly: (singing off key) You make me feel like a natural woman..
    Gary: You're gonna wear something low cut, right?
    Holly: What do you think, Ben?
    Ben: I think you could use a little more rehearsal.
    Holly: Vince?
    Vince: You're awesome. Sing it again.
    Holly: Tina stole my sheet music! (Storms out)
    Lauren: If they could only steal her voice.
    Tina: I know you weren't lying to me. We never lie to each other.
    Holly: So you really think my voice sucks?
    Tina: Yeah..
    Holly: Hey! Where have you been?
    Ben: Out being your knight in shining armor.
    Vince: (mocking) Knight in shining armor.

### Three Little Words

    Holly: (about Ben's song) Ohmygod, isn't it the worst song ever?
    Val: He's from the same country as the Beatles?
    Vince: (about Ben) What's Queen Elizabeth so excited about?
    Holly: It's gonna ruin his career! What should I do?
    Vince: Dump him.
    Holly: What?
    Vince: What? Go after him! What'd you hear? GOD!
    Vince: Fiona, this is my friend Holly. Ben's girlfriend. Holly, this is Fiona. Ben's wife.
    Holly: What!?
    Vince: You should dump him.
    Holly: What?
    Vince: What!? I said you should work it out! What'd you hear? GOD!
    Holly: Who knows what else he's lied about? Maybe he's not even British! (Faking accent) 'Ello mate! (Normal voice) How hard was that!
    Gary: What if she and Ben didn't break up?
    Vince: Wife, Gary, wife! She's never gonna forgive him for this.
    Holly: When you love someone, you forgive them.
    Ben: When you love someone?
    Holly: Yeah, I've been waiting for the perfect moment. I love you. I know its only been two months and its okay if you want to wait to tell me but--
    Ben: I love you, too.

### Ghost of a Chance

    Vince: Man, look at her! I love Halloween.
    Gary: Uhm, thats a dude.
    Lauren: Are you seriously not going to go to the club and see if your sister pulls this off? Very cold, Val Tyler!
    Val: That's because Holly hasn't let me turn on the heat all week!
    Lauren: All right, fine. Do what you want. All I'm saying is that I'm going to the club.
    Val: Okay.
    Lauren: I'm just saying that Holly came by today and told me that you have been there for every big moment in her life, and she couldn't believe you were going to miss this one.
    Val: She said that?
    Lauren: Well, actually, she came by to make sure I didn't have any unnecessary lights on, but I read between the lines.
    Holly: (about college) I didn't have a passion for it.
    Gary: Did you tell your sister?
    Holly: I didn't have a passion for that either.
    Ben: You just need a little push. Like the way Holly pushes me. And pushes, and pushes, and pushes..
    Holly: Vince, why did you focus on a guy in a mermaid suit?
    Vince: That was a guy, too?
    Children: Trick or treat-- (Val pushes them away)
    Val: You dropped out of college!?
    Holly: All out of candy little girl! (closes door)
    Vince: (to Ben) Wow, this place is packed! Holly got a much bigger crowd for Danielle then she did for you. (Ben looks at him) I'm just saying.
    Ben: Yeah, well size doesn't matter.
    Vince: You keep telling yourself that.
    Holly: I'm going back to college on Monday. That was the deal.
    Val: Maybe we could wait.
    Holly: You mean like Tuesday?

### Gift of the Mutton

    Rick: Hey, was your father a thief?
    Val: What?
    Rick: Cause I swore he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
    (Ben pulls a girl from the crowd onto the stage and dances with her)
    Holly: Good. Work it, work it.
    (Girl kisses Ben)
    Holly: Security, get the slut off the stage!
    Tina: You know the vet that I work for? I get jealous when he talks to another woman.
    Holly: That other woman is his wife, Tina. You need to quit that job.
    Val: Thats the day I stopped being Val and became "the loose one.
    Val: WHAT IS IT?
    Rick: Mutton stew.
    Val: Your mom likes old sheep?
    Rick: Old sheep stew.
    Lauren: Why would she look on the internet? She needs mutton, not porn.
    Holly: Uhm Lauren there are other things on the internet besides porn.
    Lauren: Get out!
    Holly: Besides, Ben's not the jealous type. He's all evolved and European.
    (about Holly)
    Gary: You okay, dude?
    Vince: Unbelievable... I got to kiss her like eight times!
    Ben: I know I cant believe it. I've never been jealous in my entire life. What the hell are you doing to me, Holly?
    Ben: I'm just going to have to rise above it, and not ask who the better kisser was, me or Vince.
    (Holly laughs)
    Ben: .. I'm waiting.
    Holly: Wow, when you get jealous, you get jealous. I like it.

### We'll Miss Gittle a Little

    Val: (about her dress) It took three months to make. The woman lives 'til 95 and she can't hold on another week!?
    Lauren: Hey, listen I talked to the old guy.
    Holly: Yeah, well, that narrows it down.
    Store Owner: (to Vince) And a special hello to you, Popeye.
    Holly: We have to get that address! (They all nod and look at Vince)
    Gary: How about it, Popeye?
    Vince: (Takes off his jacket) Damn this face and body!
    Holly: She's pictured the dress, she's pictured the roses--
    Gary: She picture her fiancé with another woman?
    Holly: What? That's Julie!
    Ben: Ex-fiancée Julie?
    Holly: I dont believe him! What is he doing?
    Gary: Apparently Julie.
    Vince: I got the address... and now I feel dirty and cheap.
    Holly: Hypothetically, if there was a tidal wave coming to New York, would you want to be warned, or be surprised and see if you survive?
    Val: Is there any salmon in this tidal wave?
    Holly: But if you ever hurt my sister? (punches him on the arm) It'll be a lot harder than that.

### The Wedding (1)

    Rick: (Laughing) 'On the hanger!'
    Lauren: You've never been fat, have you?
    Gary: The secrets pop out of my mouth like a gumball.
    Ben: It means that I'm playing guitar on the Jack Johnson tour, and I'm leaving tomorrow night after the wedding for two months!
    Vince: YES!
    Holly: I won't see you for two months?
    Ben: Well, they said I could bring my manager with me, and that just so happens to be my girlfriend..
    Gary: Why are you staring at Ben's boxers?
    Vince: So I can do this! (Throws boxers on the ground and jumps on them)
    (Vince opens the door, and Tina rushes in)
    Tina: I hate my life!
    Vince: (to empty door) Hi, Tina, come on in!
    Tina: (to Vince) Remember we said not to talk about it.
    Both: Don't tell Gary.
    Tina: It means when someone has sex with someone it was a huge mistake.
    Vince: Pie, Gary? (Shoves a piece in her mouth)
    Vince: (To Tina, when they're alone) Well, ahaha isn't this awkward?
    Julie: I didn't call him, he called me.
    Holly: Rick called you?
    Julie: I was just as surprised as you, which is why I'm crying. (to her therapist) Can I get some Prozac NOW?

### The Wedding (2)

    Val: (to Rick) I can't do this. This is not what I waited my whole life for.
    Val: I'm not going to let something like the bride and groom breaking up spoil my wedding!
    Gary: Did I ever tell anyone that you wrote Celine Dion a fan letter?
    Vince: [shouts] She is excellent and Gary, you told everyone!
    Holly: You wanna open presents!?
    Val: I want go home.
    Holly: Here you go! (Shoves gift in her face)
    Gary: This is a little awkward. Since you and I are best friends, we don't keep secrets from each other.. The girl that I hooked up with was Tina.
    Vince: What the hell? I slept with Tina!
    Gary: Ah-ha!
    Val: I want to be numb so I don't feel anything ever again.
    Val: Don't go.
    Holly: What?
    Val: Nothing. I need you.
    Holly: Huh?
    Val: How come you heard all the mean stuff I said under my breath and none of the nice stuff?
    Holly: I heard it. I was just double checking because... I couldn't believe you still liked me.
    Val: You still like me?
    Holly: Of course. I love you.
    Val: I love you, too.
    Holly: Aww... wanna get married?
    (while insulting Rick..)
    Lauren: And what about that annoying British accent?
    Holly: Lauren, Ben's the one with the accent.
    Lauren: We're not talking about Ben? My bad.

### How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying to Be a Lesbian

    Val: Baby steps people. I came out didn't I?
    Lesbians: Wahoo!
    Val: No no I didn't mean...oh what the hell.
    Lauren: Better cover up the supremes. Tonight is not about you girls.

### Dangerous Liaisons

    Holly [talking about Val (Jennie Garth) and Todd (Luke Perry)]: Let me guess, Brenda's still in Paris?

### The Kid, The Cake, and The Chemistry

    Holly: (to Tina, about the invitations to Vince's "surprise" party) Oh my God. I told you. I sent you both an e vite. Tina got hers, didn't you, Tina?
    Tina: (playing along) Totally got it.
    Ben: (muttering) Of course she got invited, she slept with him, for God's sake!
    Holly: (singing) Everybody! For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow. Would Tina meet me on the patio? Everyone just talk amongst yourselves!

### My Boyfriend's Back (1)

    (Holly calls into a radio show for advice)
    Dr. Dell: Tell me, have you had any serious relationships?
    Holly: Oh, tons. I just broke up with this British guy named Ben... I mean... Smen... Because he said I still like this guy... Smince.
    Vince (hearing from the radio): Smen? Smence?
    Val (hearing from another radio): Smen? Smince? Oh! That's my smister!
    Vince: Well, where is she?
    Gary: Uh, well, she's not in Princeton visiting Henry.
    Vince: What? Why would she go there? The radio guy told her to talk to her boyfriend, listen to his side!
    Gary: Well, you know, Henry was her first love and... and he's known her the longest and you know, well, he's really really smart and dude was an excellent boyfriend.
    Vince: ... Oh, god, do you think they'll get back together? They can't get back together. Gary, don't let them get back together!
    Gary: Calm down, girl!
    Holly: Henry, you look so college-y. You even grew a soul patch?
    Henry: I was going for a beard, but this was all that came in.
    Holly: Hey, I remember when we first met - you didn't even have facial hair.
    Henry: Neither did you.
    Holly: True.
    Girl: Uh, excuse me, do you happen to have a pen?
    Henry: Uh, yeah, yeah... here you go.
    Girl: Thank you.
    Henry: Your welcome.
    (Henry and the girl kiss)
    Holly: Wow... wonder what she'd do for a highlighter?
    Henry: That's my girlfriend.
    Holly: Henry, my god, she's so cute! How long have you guys been going out?
    Henry: Like six months.
    Holly: Henry, how come you didn't tell us about her?
    Henry: (bluntly) No one called me.
    Holly: ...Oh, what's her name?
    Henry: Her name's Holly and that's not sick.
    Holly: I didn't say it was sick. Her last name's not Tyler, is it?
    Henry: Hahaha.... no.
    Henry: So, out of curiosity, why did you come out all this way to talk about Vince. Wouldn't it be easier to talk to Vince?
    Holly: I love him. I can't talk to him. You know, with you and me, our feelings don't get in the way. We're basically brother and sister!
    Henry: Awww... just what you want to hear from the girl you were in love with.
    Henry: I guess the best way to put this is would be... you suck at relationships.
    Holly: Mmm hmm, mmm hmm. Go on.
    Henry: Don't you see, Holly? When things get not perfect, you start looking for other guys. With me, it was Vince. With Ben, it was Vince. Do you see a pattern?
    Holly: The pattern is Vince! Wow, just sitting in Princeton is making me smart?
    Henry: Don't you see, Holly? Vince is the guy who keep going back to.
    Holly: And then I keep running away from him. Why do I keep running away from him? Why, Princeton, why?!
    (During Holly's fantasy)
    Henry: Vince speaks French?
    Holly: Hey, it's my fantasy!
    Fantasy Vince: Did I tell you they're publishing my novel based on our love?
    Henry: C'mon, Vince speaks French and he wrote a novel?
    Holly: And he has a castle in Ireland.
    Holly: Henry, you're so smart! Oh my god, if I didn't date you and break up with you, and then date you and break up with you, I'd so date you again!
    Henry: Well, sorry, kid. I'm not available - remember I got myself another Holly.
    Holly: Well, she's a lucky girl. Awww, Henry, you're the best!
    (They hug)
    Fantasy Vince: Hey, Henry.
    Henry: Hey, dude. (darkly) Thanks for all the calls.
    Henry: (About Vince) Look at this guy. He loves you. He'll always love you.. Even when I loved you, he loved you. (Vince gives him a dirty look) But I digress.

### Enough is Enough (2)

    Holly: (to Vince) Do you know what, I have nothing else to say to you! Except, don't try to call me! Take a look at what you're missing! (clicks cell phone camera) Goodbye!
    Vince: I hate Holly! I hate Holly! I hate Holly! I can't believe she and Henry...
    Ben: Look, if she was going to sleep within the line of succession, then it should have been me, you, and then Henry.
    Lauren: (to Gary) I'll make her laugh!
    Gary: (to Lauren) I'll have sex with her.
    Lauren: (to Gary) So will I!

## Season 4
### I Want My Baby Back (3)

    Val: Noooooo!
    Lauren: Val, wake up! Val!
    Val: Lauren! Oh my god, I'm married. I got married!
    Lauren: WHAT?!
    Val (hysterically): YES! I married Todd! The plumber! Oh, wait, there's no ring. And no Todd! Oh, I'm not married! I'm not married. Aah...
    Lauren: Oh! Me neither, and we're over thirty. I hate this game.
    Val: Lauren, I had the worst nightmare - I dreamt that I called Rick up and cussed him out really bad and then went to Atlantic City and had a drink - or six - and then I married-
    (Vic walks in)
    Val and Lauren: Vic?!
    Vic: Honey, you really got to be more careful - you left your wedding ring on the sink. Hey Lauren, long time no see. What's up?
    Lauren: Oh, you know, same old, same old. You?
    Vic: She didn't tell you? We got hitched. Haha... (leaves the room)
    Lauren: Vic? You've been dating Vic? You've been secretly dating Vic? And I knew there was a chemistry between you two when he was our boss, but you didn't want to date him because he was our boss and now you're married, how could you not tell me?!
    Val: I didn't know?
    Lauren: Hey, how come when you drink, you get a husband and when I drink, I just get puffy?
    Val: Well, Mr. and Mrs. Fireman are getting an annulment.
    Lauren: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay! You have been given a gift. God made you drunk and sent you a husband. And not just any one, but someone you already had feelings for!
    Val: Ya... Ya... didn't sign here.
    Vic: Yeah, I'm not gonna, baby.
    Val: Say what, baby?
    Vic: I don't want to end this marriage.
    Val: No... no... you have to.
    Vic: Why?
    Lauren: Because you're an adulterer!
    Vic: No, I'm not.
    Lauren: Wanna be?

### Surprise

    Holly: Where are you going?
    Vince: I'm going to take a cold... ocean.
    Val (looking at her ringing phone): Oh my god, it's Holly.
    Vic: It's Holly? Oh, hey, she's going to be so excited we got married. Let me say 'hi'.
    Val: No! And I can't say 'hi' either because she will sense in my 'hi' that something is wrong, terribly terribly wrong, like we got married!
    Vic: Oh, look at you, you're all feisty in the morning! I like that.
    Val: Stop liking me!
    Holly: Oh, thank god she's okay!
    Lauren: Why wouldn't she be okay? Nothing crazy at all happened while you were gone.
    Holly: Because, I just got home and there's a prowler in the loft and I might have killed him.
    Lauren: Hey, good news Val, Holly might have just killed your husband!
    Holly: What?!
    Lauren: Nothing! Bye-bye!
    Holly: C'mon, let's go.
    Val: No, not 'til Vic leaves.
    Holly: When will that be?
    Val: Very soon. I turned the electricity off. I'm sweatin' him out!
    Holly: Val, he's a fireman. He's good with heat!
    Val: Right...
    Val: Oh god, oh god, what if Vic never leaves?
    Holly: What is happening to you? Will you calm down? There are other ways to get him out.
    Val: No, Holly, I have tried everything. I begged, I reasoned, I even called the police, but they all know him and they congratulated me. Holly, we are legally married. That sonofabitch fireman is never going to leave.

### The Redo

    Holly: When you and Vic got married, did stuff change?
    Val: Uh... well, the bartender changed shifts.
    Vince: What's wrong with you?
    Holly: So much.
    Vince: I've been waiting on the terrace for two hours for you to apologize.
    Holly: Well, I gonna go to apologize to you before, but I thought that you needed time to cool off and so I thought I'd wait 'til the morning and then I really tried to find this middle thing that Val talked-
    Vince: What the hell is going on? What happened to the girl who used to come yell at me every five minutes? The girl who used to tell me exactly how she felt? Exactly how I felt? The girl who didn't question every move she'd make?
    Holly: Hmm, I miss her. She still alive?
    Vince: I miss her too!
    Holly: I think she left town when you and I started dating. If you forgive her, I could probably get her back.
    Vince: Get her back.
    Holly: Do you forgive her?
    Vince: I forgive her!
    (Holly, to Vic's firefighter coat and helmet)
    Holly: You hang in there, fireman. She's this close.

### I've Got a Secret

    (Holly and Tina walk in the bakery and Tina notices Gary is there with Vince, and turns to Holly)
    Tina: What is he doing here?
    Holly: (shrugs)
    Tina: (points finger at Holly) I'm going to go fake pee, and when I get back, I'm going to REAL kill you!
    Holly: Isn't there a job where you get paid to make out?
    Vince: Yeah, we could be Ladies of the Night!
    Gary: Come on man, you went and told Holly that I have unwanted feelings of a desire-ist nature towards Tina?
    Holly: (giggles nervously) WHAT?
    Vince: No, I didn't tell her, you just did, Gary!
    Gary: Oh no, I just blurted out my own secret? Ohhh, I can't tell me anything!
    Tina: Holly... I may have feelings for Gary other than hate.
    Holly: Oh my god... Tina, that's fantastic!
    Gary: I hate her!
    Vince: Then you might be sending mixed signals by making out with her.
    Vic: This is good... this is good. It's nice to know I'm not the only one you fight with.
    Val: I am fighting with her because I love her. The poker guy she has been emailing with is married. I've gotta stop it. Lauren is a beautiful girl, she deserves to be in a healthy relationship.
    Vic: Like ours?

### The Perfect Date (1)

    Holly: (to Tina, who invites the gang to Vermont) Well, does it have good phone reception up there? Because Vince will want to call all of his girlfriends!
    Vince: Don't worry, I can always use Holly's ankle bracelet as an antenna!
    Gary: What is wrong with you people? Now, look it here. Tina has graciously all invited us for a lovely weekend in Vermont. Now, I for one, adore free stuff.
    Val: Charlie, this is a diamond bracelet.
    Charlie: I had a really excellent time tonight.
    Charlie: It matches your eyes. You know, if your eyes were $2700.
    Lauren: Excuse me, I just swallowed a xylophone.
    Val: You found where I hid your computer.
    Lauren: Oh, what, a person can't just swallow a xylophone?
    Vic: Hey, buy her a bottle of tequila - she might marry you!
    Gary: Great, now look what you just... I could never be mad at you, jacuzzi.
    Holly: So, you really don't trust you?
    Vince: How many times are you going to ask me?
    Holly: Until you do trust me.
    Vince: I do. Or, I mean I thought I did.
    Holly: Until stupid Gary.
    Vince: Stupid Gary.
    Vince: Listen, maybe I was getting scared that the sign of a first problem you gonna go running back to Henry or Ben or someone you met in Vermont.
    Holly: I'm NOT going to meet someone in Vermont! Vince, I love you. I can't believe you didn't know that.
    Vince: And I love you, I can't believe you didn't know that.
    Holly: I don't know, it's just when all saw all those numbers of the girls in your phone, it brought me back all the numbers of the girls in your phone. That was the old me, thinking I was with the old you.
    Vince: But we're not those people anymore.
    Holly: Those people must be eliminated.
    Vince: Listen, I understand why that ankle bracelet means so much to you. I mean, Henry was your first love. I never had a first love... 'til you. So keep it.
    Holly: I'm your first love...
    Vince: And hopefully my last. I can't keep going through this.

### Halloween (2)

    Lauren: LOOK AT ME! Okay, now I'm going to a singles party dressed as a naughty flight attendant, so I can find someone to "fly" me. Yes I'm actually going with that line.
    Vince: H-hey... sourdough crackers from France, huh! Ohlala...
    Holly: Hmm, never had one of those before.
    Vince: I know, first time, a lot of pressure.
    Holly: It's just a cracker.
    Vince: Yeah, I know, I know, it's just I've had a lot of other crackers and I've never loved any of them...
    Holly: I'm sure it'll be fine...
    Vince: But I want it to be more than fine, I want it to be everything you've ever dreamed of.
    Holly: How's that gonna be?
    Vince: I just don't want you to be disappointed!
    Holly: I won't be!
    Vince: But what if you are?!
    Holly: Screw the cracker!
    Vince: I CAN'T!
    Val: What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the firehouse. Holly is in Vermont. I was supposed to be alone tonight, peaceful and happy, like how I was before the incident.
    Vic: Oh, you mean the drunken marriage incident?
    Val: Can you not use the full title? Because that makes me look bad...
    Val: Okay, stop it! Charlie, Vic can't be your best man. See, we're married.
    Charlie: What? You married your brother? (to Vic) Can you do that now?
    Val: Charlie?
    Charlie: Urggh! And we made out! You're sick, lady!
    Vic: Val, didn't you just hear Charlie? I mean, I have said the exact words to you, "We're soulmates. I know things happened fast, but we were meant to be. I know in my gut, you're the one for me." I mean, we were even wearing the same outfits.
    Val: No, your cape is black, his was red.
    Vic: Look, Val - I finally get it, okay. I get why you keep keeping fighting us, I get why you keep pushing me away. I must look like a nut to you, too.
    Val: Well, sometimes you feel like a nut.
    Vince: Holly, there's something I have to tell you and it's really embarassing.
    Holly: Tell me - you know, you can tell me anything.
    Vince: I just wanted tonight to be so perfect and I got... poison ivy.
    Holly: What?
    Vince: Yeah, I got it bad and you can't touch me - it's highly contagious.
    Holly: Oh, let me get you some-
    Vince: No, I'm just- I'm just gonna sleep it off.
    Holly: You can sleep off poison ivy?
    Vince: Starve a cold, sleep off a poison ivy!
    Charlie: Why doesn't Val love me? I mean, okay, I'm not her brother, but I have other things I can offer - children with one head.
    Vic: (his cell phone rings) Oh, hey - hold your pain.
    Holly: And why did you lie to me? I checked out your body last night when you were sleeping and you don't have any red dots or hives or bumps, and I checked everywhere.
    Vince: I feel so violated...

### Someone's in the Kitchen with Daddy

    Val: All right, here's your crap. Now get out.
    Vic: Honey, your dad is coming all the way from Japan. Why can't I meet my father-in-law?
    Val: Because your father-in-law doesn't know he's a father-in-law. And he ain't goin' find out because you're not coming back until he's gone.
    Vic: Okay, so what you're saying is, you want me back.
    Holly: Who am I kidding? My dad's going to love you. Even if your pants have holes... and cheese?
    Vince: Crap! I'm wearing my cheese pants!
    Holly: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend.
    Vince: (holds out his hand) Uh, this isn't pee, I was just wiping off cheese.
    Jack Tyler: (doesn't take Vince's hand) You'll forgive me. Pleasure to meet you, Henry.
    (Holly shakes her head)
    Jack: Ben.
    Vince: Actually, it's Vince.
    Jack: I'm making a joke...
    Vince: Vic? Vic! Have you met Val's-
    Val: Personal trainer! What are you doing here, personal trainer?
    Vic: Uh, well, we have the appointment for personal training.
    Val: Uh, well, I'm going to have to cancel that, seeing as my dad's here. I won't be to see you all week.
    Jack: You have a personal trainer? What a great idea...
    Val: Why, do you think I'm fat?
    Val: (loud whisper) What is wrong with you?
    Holly: (loud whisper) Me? What is wrong with you?
    Val: (loud whisper) I just want five minutes alone with Dad so I can show him what a success I've become.
    Holly: (loud whisper) Well, I really want him to like Vince, and Vince has already made a horrible impression!
    Vince: Okay, you're not whispering.
    Val: Don't you have a client there tonight, trainer?
    Vic: Yes, but you just cancelled.
    Lauren: Ah, well, hi there, Daddy! Pardonez-moi, pardonez-moi. The girls did not tell me you were tall, silver, and handsome! Call me Mommy, just let me feel the beat of that.
    Val: (to Vic as they are running) Come on! I got 3 inch heels on and I'm still runnin' faster than you! Is this how you run into a burning building?
    Vic: Hey, I'm doing it on purpose, I'm watching you from behind - very sexy.
    Val: Too sexy? Oh great. Now daddy's gonna think I'm a whore. Earlier today, he told me I was fat. Now I'm a fat whore.
    Holly: C'mon, we only have an hour alone with Daddy if you're going to make a better second first impression!
    Holly: Did you see the impression that Vince left? Dad is only here for two days and every second is crucial!
    Vince: Again, within earshot!
    Val: Think I was born yesterday, dropout?
    Holly: Well, let me tell you something drunken married lady!
    Vic: Um, okay, well, the good news is that this is way bigger than both of your secrets.
    Vince: Oh, ho ho, my cheese pants pale by comparison!
    Lauren: Hi! Sorry, I'm late. I wanted to make my grand entrance for the Silver Fox.
    Holly/Val/Vic: Knock yourself out/Good luck with that/As if.
    Vince: Gay.
    Tina: Hey guys. This place is awesome. Your dad and Toshi did a great job decorating.
    Holly/Val/Vic: Yeah.../So?/Surprise, surprise...
    Vince: Gay.
    Jack: So, how 'bout that. Your dad's gay.
    Holly: Well, I think it's great. It's a little shocking. All these years, I thought Mom was a woman.
    Lauren: Okay, so, he turned gay three years ago. The wife, may she rest in peace, had no clue. But he loved her, they were soulmates.
    Vic: Lauren, should you really be listening?
    Lauren: No. No, I should be watching too.
    Jack Tyler: This is why I haven't come home the last couple of years. I was afraid that you'd hate me.
    Val: Hate you?
    Holly: How could we hate you? You're everything to us.
    Val: Daddy, we don't care who you're in love with, as long as you're happy.
    Jack: You have no idea how much that means to me.
    Lauren (still eavesdropping): Why can't my daddy be gay?
    Jack Tyler: Is there something you two want to tell me?
    Val: Yes, Daddy, uh, there's something I've been want to get off my chest.... Holly quit college!
    Holly: Val got drunk and got married!
    Jack: You're married?
    Val: Aaaah!
    Jack: You got married?
    Val: Ah, I'm sorry! It was a huge mistake! I'm getting it annulled! Please don't be disappointed in me! And again, Holly quit college!
    Jack: How could you keep something like this from me? Marrying Vic, that's huge.
    Val: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. How did you know it was Vic?
    Jack: Honey, I'm gay, not blind. And as for you, young lady - we'll talk about this later.
    Lauren: Girls, your new mommy and I have a great idea. We have so much to celebrate, let's go out and party.
    Holly: Oh, yes, I love that idea! I work so hard every day, not like the rest of my generation, partying away their dad's money at college. Not me, Daddy.
    Gary: You know what, it's kind of fun being gay.
    Tina: Oh, please, you're not cute enough to be a gay guy.
    Gary: You are.
    Jack Tyler: Honey, don't get out of this.
    Val: What?
    Jack: Don't end this marriage. You're in love with him.
    Val: Huh? My god, so not...
    Jack: Honey, honey! Look at me, look at me, look, look, look... You're in love with him and he's in love with you. I've been watching the two of you all night.
    Val: Oh, please, just 'cause you're gay, you're all intuitive?
    Jack: We're a very sensitive people! It also helps that I'm your father and I know you better than anyone. Now tell me, what are you afraid of?
    Val: Sharks. Bears. Leaving the house with the flat iron on.
    Jack: Getting your heart broken?
    Val: No. Yes.
    Jack: I'll tell you what, sweetie, get over it. To be in love with someone who loves you and not go for it just because you're scared? Trust me, you're going to miss out on an awful lot.
    Val: You haven't had every guy walk out on you.
    Jack: Did you ever think if they didn't, you wouldn't have ended up with Vic? When it's the right guy, he won't leave.

### Jazz Night

    Gary: (claps) All right, listen up ladies. As you know, tonight is the premiere of our (jazz hands) Jazz Night. In an effort to bring in a finer clientele, I have created a more upscale look. So if you please... snap on these [clip-on ties] and do not spill anything on them, for they are very classy and cost me four dollars a dozen.
    Lauren: Who made you the boss of me?
    Gary: Val. Val promoted me to manager.
    Lauren: Ha ha, and then what happened, you woke up?! Liar! Val is like an older sister to me - why would she pick you over me?
    Gary: Oh, I don't know... maybe because I'm a business major, I show up to work on time, and I don't have a huge tab under the assumed name of Ms. Bar. Mitzvah.
    Lauren: Did you promote Gary over me and if so, why?
    Val: Well, Ms. Mitzvah...
    Lauren: Interesting. Do you compare it to hell because it's all hot and sweaty, and kinda burns?
    Holly: What is wrong with us, Val?
    Val: Well, you're controlling.
    Holly: And you don't know what you want.
    Val: We're both not well.

### Ground-Turkey-Hog-Day

    Holly: No, no, it is not ending! They are meant to be, there's no way I'm letting her lose this one!
    Tina: Is because you feel guilty about ruining her wedding last year?
    Holly: Shut up! It was a good thing! If I didn't "ruin her wedding", she would never have met Vic.
    Tina: The man that she's getting an annulment from?
    Holly: Shut up again!
    Holly: We've got stuffing. We've got Vic. We've got yams. We've got Vic. We've got--
    Val: (interrupts) Holly.
    Holly: (rushes) We've got Vic.
    Holly: What is the matter with you? Why did you let him leave?
    Val: I don't know, Holly... I'm so confused. (about her mini-turkeys) I made parakeet!
    Holly: Well, I am not confused. You and Vic need to be together tonight.
    Val: Well, it's a little late for that.
    Holly: Or is it?
    (At the charity auction; where firemen are being auctioned off)
    Vic: Val?
    Val: We're here for the kids.
    Val: I've got a hundred.
    Holly: Ok, I've got a hundred. That makes two hundred. (Val looks at her) I'm not just another pretty face.
    Vic: Bianca?
    Bianca: Hey, baby.
    Val: Baby!
    Holly: Who's calling your baby, baby?
    Lauren: I know that he is married. And that it is wrong. That's why I have to meet him. So I can tell him that he's married and that it's wrong.
    Lauren: Poker-man? (the man turns around) RICK!?
    Rick: LAUREN!?
    Lauren: You're my poker-man?
    Rick: You're my--
    Both: UGH!
    Gary: (about Lauren) I can't believe I wasted my pearls of wisdom on that woman. MY PEARLS!
    Holly: Have you started drinking yet?
    Val: No.. (Lauren walks in)
    Lauren: Hi..
    Holly: Start.
    Holly: Bianca, this is Vince.
    (Vince stares her, stumbling over his words)
    Vince: You're pretty.
    Holly: Take her away.
    Holly: (about Bianca) You're supposed to be distracting her!
    Vince: (pushing her away) Shhh. Bianca's talking..
    Val: I hate that I'm so confused, and scared, and stuck, and--
    (Vic kisses her)
    (After Holly and Vince walk in and see Val and Vic kissing)
    Holly: I never thought that would happen! I mean with the way the day started out... oh... I think I've been forgiven for last year and this year! Do you realize if I didn't break up that wedding, that never would have happened!
    Vic: Okay, Val, from the second we got married, you said this relationship wouldn't work because we did everything backwards.
    Val: I said that?
    Vic: Yeah. A lot.
    Vic: I'm going to give you everything you've ever dreamed of.. which is why I'm going to go to the firehouse now.
    Val: Uh, well, I did not dream that..
    Val: Vic? You just made this my best Thanksgiving, too.
    (after Vic leaves..)
    Val: (smiling) Ohhhh my god!

### For Love or Money

    (about her pin number)
    Holly: I love you so much, and--
    Vince: Holly, what's the number?
    Holly: Ben forever.
    Val: (to Lauren) Rick is never going to leave his wife FOR YOU.
    Vince: Hey, man, hey! Can I talk you about something? It's kinda embarrassing.
    Gary: Oh, say no more. Use the cream from the third shelf in the medicine cabinet, takes away everything.
    Vince: Gary, it's about Holly.
    Gary: Oh. Tell Holly to use the cream from the third shelf in the medicine cabinet -
    Vince: Gary, it's not about that. I saw Holly's paycheque - it's huge. I can't stop thinking about it, man. She makes so much more money than me.
    Gary: And?
    Vince: And it bugs me. I mean I'm the man. I'm supposed to be the provider.
    Gary: No, no, you're the man because you found yourself a rich girlfriend. High five!
    Vince: So, it wouldn't bother you that your girlfriend makes twice as much money as you?
    Gary: Look, why make it a problem when there is no problem? You love her, she loves you.
    Vince: Yeah, but it bugs me that she-
    Gary: Okay, so you think that Holly is so far beneath you that she isn't entitled to make more money that you?
    Vince: No, it's just that-
    Gary: Oh, so then she doesn't deserve to make more money.
    Vince: No, she deserves-
    Gary: Then it's your stupid pride.
    Vince: Oh... that could be it.
    Gary: Now, what are you going to do about it?
    Vince: I'm gonna get past it. Try to get past it.
    Gary: No, you're gonna do it. Because real men get past it. Now, are you a real man?
    Vince: Raah!
    Gary: Weird, man, but real man.
    Gary: Now, you know you're gonna have to pay for that.
    Vince: Put it on Holly's tab. A real man can let his woman pay for his muffin.
    Gary: Now, that's what I'm talkin' about. Keep it pimpin, player, keep it pimpin.
    Vince: So, I got your text message. What's the emergency? You need your man for something? Lift something heavy? Kill a bug? Ride a bull? I'm your man.
    Vince: Can't do it, Gary. Tried be cool, but I cannot be a kept man.
    Gary: You ain't trying hard enough.
    Holly: I hate him so much right now, but I don't know why.
    Vince: I gotta make more money, Gary. Holly's just gonna make more and more. I'm telling you, she's going places. And I'm just going to those places to deliver packages.
    Gary: I'm sorry, I'm getting my clients all mixed up. Uh, let's see... yeah, yeah...you're the one with the second clue to your date.
    Val: Aww..
    Gary: Aww... isn't he precious? Yeah, it's not often you see a teddy bear in his... formal attire.

### Coming Home

    Robyn: Bye Holly. Love your shoes.
    Holly: Bye Robyn. Hate your guts
    (talking about why Vic likes being a fireman)
    Val: You like almost dying?
    Vic: No, that's not my favorite part of the job...the hats waaaaaaay cool.
    Val: ... You wanna wear a cool hat, get a job as a wizard.
    (Talking about Robyn)
    Holly: Everytime me and Vince make plans she always has some work thing for him (makes air quotes)
    Tina: Why did you just make air quotes?
    Holly: I didn't. I was practicing what I was going to do to her eyes!
    Val: Lauren, have you ever wondered what Vic does for a living?
    Lauren: Yeah. He's one of New York's bravest.
    Val: I'm not.
    (Upon seeing Vic with a wizard hat)
    Val: Looks like someone's codeine kicked in.
    Vic: I'm going to be a wizard.
    Val: You're insane...
    Vic: I know it's ambitious, but just think how safe you'll be from the dragons.
    (Vic telling Val he quit his job as a fireman)
    Val: You what?
    Vic: I quit.
    Val: Your job?
    Vic: No drinking.
    Val: Wait, wait... h-how could you quit your job? You love your job.
    Vic: I thought that's what you wanted me to do.
    Val: How do you know what I want? I don't even know what I want!
    Vic: You're a strange strange woman.

### Desperate Girlfriends

    Lauren: Oh, it's just a ring.
    Holly: Wait wait wait, let me see, let me see it!
    Vic: How's that for Val's birthday present?
    Holly: Oh my god, it's gorgeous. It's so much prettier than any of her other wedding rings.
    Val: Um, okay, honey, I know you said I shouldn't ask you about our dinner tonight, but just so I know-
    Vic: Okay, look, I'm sorry but I'm not telling you anything.
    Val: Okay, but I just need to know what to wear, okay? So, should it be something dressy or does the restaurant have a playground?
    Tina:(about Lauren) Oh my God! She turned it around and pulled the surprise party out of her ass!
    Holly: If only she could pull some morals out of her ass!
    Lauren: Unless you want to disappoint your sister on her birthday. She did raise you.
    Gary: You know what? Your-your hair is so Footloose!
    Vince: You did NOT just drag Kevin Bacon into this!
    Holly: You should totally give her the ring now.
    Vic: No, no... there's too many people. I want to give it to her when we're alone. I want it to be perfect.
    Holly: What's more perfect than doing it in front of all the people she loves? And Tina.
    Vic: Honey, I've been waiting for the perfect moment do this all day, but the truth is, any moment with you is perfect. So Val, I want to ask you in front of all the people you love... and Tina. Val, will you be already married to me?

### The Other Women

    Tina: (about Robin) Oh my god, the beyotch is coming, the beyotch is coming!
    Holly: (gasps) Oh my gosh, you're on a bus bench? Vince, look how big your head is!
    Vince: I know! I have a big head. People trust people with big heads.
    Holly: Hmm, yes, you know what, you're right! Who wouldn't want to buy an apartment from that big head?
    Vic (to his mother): Okay fine, you don't have to meet her.
    Val: What can I do you for?
    Vic: Uh, we have decided we're not going to stay, but thank you anyway, miss!
    Eileen: Wait, why don't we ask her?
    Vic: Ma-
    Eileen: Miss, what if your baby went off to some godforsaken place like Atlantic City, met a floozy, and an hour later married her? Wouldn't you want to kill yourself?
    Val: Well, uh, gosh... I'd want to meet the girl first... because I'm sure the son - if he were yours - would pick a sweet, poised, conversative, classy gal, one who's just going through a rough patch.
    Eileen: Oh, god, you're her.
    Val: ... Hi!
    Vic: Yeah, um, Ma, this is Val, my wife. And um, Val, this is my mom - (to his mother) don't say anything mean - Eileen.
    Gary: So once Vince's head gets big from seeing his big old head on that bench, do think they're going to have to make a bigger bench to fit his bigger head?
    Tina: Someone a little jealous?
    Gary: I think you've got it the other way around. (puts down a mug with his face on it loudly) BAM! It's hot chocolate, served by hot chocolate.
    Val: Oh my god, Lauren, all I wanted to do was get her to like me and look what happened!
    Lauren: Yeah, I know, you guys are besties!
    Val: That's because she's an alcoholic and I just pushed her off her wagon! Oh, this is such a mess, I was going to charm her, you know, take her Uptown, buy her a scarf, a brooch, maybe some Gina Tae splash. You know, mom stuff.
    Lauren: Honey, believe me, things could be worse.
    Val: How could things be worse, Lauren?
    Vic: Hey, baby.
    Lauren: That would be your example.
    Holly: Did you see the atrocity?
    Tina: I know, how could you miss it? Vince and that Robyn are plastered all over the city.
    Holly: Okay, so we gotta get us some giant Sharpes. I'm thinking black teeth and her original nose.
    Tina: Oh, come on Holly, you're better than that.
    Holly: Huh... I know, how about Dumbo ears and a Hitler mustasche?
    Lauren: Oh my god, that guy is cute. I should ask him out for a drink. I mean, pie.
    Lauren: Are you coming in, Mrs. Meladeo?
    Val: Uh, hello? It's anonymous.
    Lauren: I'm sorry. Eileen.
    Holly: So it's decided then?
    Vince: We're... thinking.
    Holly: Guess I shouldn't wear this while we're thinking. (hands Vince her bracelet)
    Vince: Val gave you that.
    Holly: Oh. (puts her bracelet back on) Then we're good.
    Lauren: Oh, the guys at AA are so much hotter than they are at Overeaters Anonymous.

### Your Money or Your Wife

    Tina: Ok, how stupid are we?
    Gary: Well, I know how stupid you are.
    Val: (To Marcus) Would you like a muffin? (turns to get one, and Lauren stands in front of Marcus)
    Lauren: Me llamo Muffin.
    Lauren: (about all the fireman in the bakery) It's like a gay bar. With hope.
    (A mugger comes up behind Vince and grabs him)
    Mugger: Don't say a word.
    Holly: (back turned, thinking its Vince) Oh, I won't--
    Vince: Holly.
    Holly: Ohh!
    Mugger: Just give me all your money.
    Holly: Yes, and our valuables.
    Mugger: Yeh-yeah. Thanks!
    Val: They're not being firemen, they're being firebabies!
    Vic: You know what? I would ask you for the strawberries but you'd probably charge me for them. That's a burn!
    Holly: Okay, if that what you want to believe, that's fine. But I know something you don't know.
    Vince: What do you know?
    Holly: I can't tell you. I promised Robyn that I wouldn't tell.
    Vince: What are you talking about?
    Holly: If I tell you what I promised, then I would be telling you.
    Vince: Tell me.
    Holly: I can't.
    Officer Rubin: Can you tell me?
    Holly: Well, if Robyn never said that I couldn't tell you. So, Robyn fired him, remember?
    Vince: She had every-
    Holly: Remember how you were rehired five minutes later? Did you ever wonder why?
    Officer Rubin: Why?
    Holly: Because I went back that day to beg for Robyn to give you your job back. (to Rubin) And instead I struck a deal with the Devil.
    Officer Rubin: Oh my god!
    Holly: I know, right?
    Vince: I can't believe it - why didn't you ever tell me?
    Officer Rubin: Uh, she promised!
    Holly: You totally said that you were going after my man!
    Robyn: No, actually, you did.
    Holly: Twister! Twister! She is twisting all my words.
    Gary: All right, fantastic four, back together again.
    (Holly and Vince walk away, and both Tina & Gary's cell phones ring)
    Tina: Aww Holly!
    Gary: Viiiiiiiiince!
    Vic: Where... where is Val? And what are you doing here?
    Lauren: Well, after your big fight, I came over here to calm her down. And eat your romantic dinner - shrimp has a very small window.
    Marcus: Nope, bunk's empty. Awww... look how nice he makes it, just like my mommy.
    Val: I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. I don't want to be right anymore. I just want to be right here in your arms.
    Vic: Good, because this exactly where I want you to be.
    Val: What the hell was that?
    Vic: We're the one millionth customer... that's a fire alarm! Okay, I'll see you in the morning, baby...
    Val: Okay, just listen, be careful... be careful with your pelvis... and your feet and your legs and your head and your ears-
    Vic: -I know
    Val: -and your nose - be careful!
    Vic: Thank you... Where's my stuff?
    Holly: I think that we're done.
    Vince: Done thinking?
    Holly: No.. just done.
    (Holly walks into her apartment)
    Vince: Holly!
    (The door to his apartment opens)
    Gary: Oh my damn! Hold me!

### Garden State

    Val: Oh my god, the Elvis impersonator who married us is actually an impersonator impersonator.
    Vic: Huh, yeah, well, that's kind of funny. Huh, we thought we were married, but we're really not.
    Val: No, that's not funny. We thought we were married, but we're not married. What's that mean?
    Vic: Well, it means we've been living in sin, but without the sin.
    Vic: Okay, c'mere.
    Val: Oh wait, what are you doing? Put me down.
    Vic: What now?
    Val: It's the night before our wedding - it's bad luck for the bride and groom to see each other. (runs upstairs)
    Vic: We'll do it in the dark!
    Holly: So I was thinking that maybe I broke up with Vince too fast. So what if he doesn't believe Robyn is Satan? I mean, I can see how he might have thought I was being a little crazy and insecure.
    (Holly meets Vic's three brothers)
    Holly: Excuse me, do you guys know a Vic Meladeo?
    Tony: Who's asking?
    Holly: I'm Holly Tyler, I'm looking for my sister. She's married to Vic... well, sorta.
    Michael: Hey, we're Vic's brothers. Val's a little tied up with Vic right now, but perhaps we can help.
    Holly: Oh, well... we're kinda family. And two of you [points to Michael and Jay] look a little like Vic.
    Officer Rubin: Excuse me, I'm looking for Holly Tyler.
    Tina: Cute purse.
    Officer Rubin: Oh, thank you, ma'am, but it's not mine, it belongs to Holly Tyler.
    Tina: Oh my god, is that the purse the mugger stole?
    Officer Rubin: Um yes. No sign of the lip gloss, but we have our best men on it.
    Val: Oh, I can't. I want to, but I can't, okay. See, this is what I've been trying to tell you. I can't compromise. I can't go with the flow. I can't leave the DVD player running if nobody's watching it. (nervous laughter) I'm a mess! I don't even know why you would want to marry me. Oh, I was soooo happy for you when I found out we weren't married, because I thought "Yay! Vic has an out! Ha hah!" But you wouldn't go! No! I even showed you my crazy! But that didn't work either, you still wanted to marry me. You want to have six kids with me - are you insane? Can you imagine six me's running around?
    Vic: Less and less.
    Val: Do you think I can change other things? Ooh, like um, like my pre-martial break-up fears? Or my post-marital break-up fears? Ooh, maybe I can have three kids... or maybe even four.
    Vic: Uh, well, I'm thinking two of you running around is plenty.

### Friends & Lovers

    Holly: Do you know what I like best about Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Ross?
    Vince: That they're friends?
    Holly: Yes!
    Tina: Oh, it's my boyfriend, Officer Rubin - one of New York's hottest. Hey, sweetie!
    Gary: There's something sleazy about that police guy.
    Vince: Maybe it's the way he puts his neck on the line every day to protect the citizens of this great city.
    Vince: The second she started dating Rubin, Gary started walking around with his shirt off!
    Holly: Huh? No way! How come you didn't tell me?
    Vince: We weren't friends then.
    Holly: Awww... I'm so glad we are now.
    Vince: I know.
    Holly: So, what else you got?
    Lauren: The only crime here is takin' a picture of me from that angle. I'm goin' to look like Nick Nolte! Now, c'mon, you're going to take it again!
    Holly: I'm sorry for ruining your night, and your night last night, and for all the nights I will ruin in the future.

### Now and Zen (1)

    Val: V-vic, we can't. Star Wars?
    Vic: Okay, honey, I know it's not how you pictured it, but nothing about our relationship is how you pictured it.
    Val: Baby, it's just that you get married once, you know?
    Lauren: You don't.
    (Vic turns away to avoid laughing. Lauren and Tina start laughing.)
    Val: Okay, okay... we got married by Elvis the first time, so what the hell? Why not Spock?
    Tina: Spock was on Star Trek.
    Holly: You know what I love, Tina? Everyone doing everything for me.
    Vince: I can't believe I trusted you. God, I'm so stupid!
    Robin: Yeah, you are! And you know what would really make me mad? If you made out with me right now!
    Vince: What?
    Robin: Eh, it was worth a shot
    Lauren: (to Val, who is being pessimistic about her Star Wars-themed wedding) Stop looking for the "Dark Side," Ms Darth Vader!
    Val: I can choose to be happy, it's so simple. Oh my god, I lived my whole life - oh, no, Lauren, do you think I made Holly this way?
    Lauren: Oh, no, hell no. She's the exact opposite. She acts happy when she's really sad.
    Val: Well, that's sick.
    Lauren: You're both totally screwed up. Hey, now that I've cured you, maybe should pay it forward and help Holly.

### Finally...

    Holly: Lauren, do you think you can get the SWAT guys away from the side doors?
    Lauren: Oh, honey. I can get them to move away the door and buy me a Cadillac.
    Vic: My god, you're still crying...
    Gary: (crying) Nah, I'm good...
    Vic: Listen, Gary, I know what you're going through, okay? But man up!
    Vince: Hey, what's up guys?
    Gary: Vince...
    Vince: Gary... we talked about this. We're going to email. We bought the video chat.
    Jack Tyler: Vic, where are my daughters?
    Vic: We don't know, Daddy!
    Holly: Nobody move! Everyone sit back down! This time there is going to be a wedding, I swear it. MUSIC! Oh, hi Daddy.
    Jack Tyler: I never been so happy to see anyone in my entire life.
    Val: Yeah, yeah, Dad, let's walk and talk.
    Vic: So, hey, did you notice, huh? No Star Wars decorations. The guys and I worked all night so you could have your dream wedding. I know you were trying to go with the flow, baby, but I know you.
    Val: Oh, you don't know me at all. What makes my dream wedding is you.
    Vic: What, you mean, I could have had Yoda?