# The Simpsons/Season 12

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The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

### Treehouse of Horror XI

    Homer: Did you see that? I did the deed, open up!
    St. Peter: [reading a newspaper] Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't looking.
    Homer: Hey! I thought you guys could see everything!
    St. Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.
    Homer: Well, I'll be damned.
    St. Peter: I'm afraid so, yes. [pulls a cord, sending Homer to hell]
    [Homer is sent to hell, he sees the Devil standing behind him]
    Homer: I am Homer Simpson--
    Devil: Silence, sinner! Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain!
    Homer: (as the Devil advances on him) Oh no...! (Devil starts giving Homer a noogie)
    Devil: Ha-ha! (continues to Homer, as Homer cries in pain) Oh, be quiet. You'll wake up John Wayne.
    John Wayne: [appearing from a nearby cave] I'm already up.
    Dolphin: Your majesty! You're free at last!
    Snorky: They made me do tricks like a common seal!
    Snorky: Arr, I'm the Sea Captain. Arr. (both laughing)
    Lenny: [Takes a drink while swimming at night] Mmmm. Alcohol and night swimming. It's a winning combination!
    Snorky: (in high child's voice) Snorky speak man... (coughs, deep voice) I'm sorry, Let me start over. Eons ago, dolphins lived on the land.
    Moe: What did he say!
    Carl: He said years ago dolphins used to lived on the land.
    Moe: [surprised] What?
    Snorky: Then your ancestors drove us into the sea, where we suffered for millions of years.
    Marge: But you seemed so happy in the ocean. All that playful leaping...
    Snorky: We were trying to get out! It's cold, it's wet, every morning I wake up phlegmy.
    Lisa: Plus all that sewage we keep dumping.
    Snorky: [gasps] That was you?
    Homer: It was her alright. [holds up Lisa] Take the one who wronged you!
    Snorky: I, King Snorky, hereby banish all humans to the sea!
    Crowd: Pushy Dolphins. I don't like that. [etc.]
    Moe: I... I tuned out. Where are we going?

### A Tale of Two Springfields

    Moe: Homer stole our rock performers! That fat, dumb, and bald guy sure plays some real hardball.
    Bart: C'mon, Lis, there's gotta be a way to lure that badger out.
    Lisa: Well, according to whatbadgerseat.com, badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats, voles, and marmots.
    Bart: [hunts through the kitchen cabinets] Hmm, stoats... stoats ...
    Lisa: Stoats are weasels, Bart. They don't come in cans.
    Bart: Then what's this? [triumphantly holds up a can]
    Lisa: That says corn, Bart.
    Bart: Must you embarrass me?
    [Homer tries to call Animal Control but gets a special information tone]
    Recording: Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please make sure you have the correct area code.
    Homer: Area code? But it's a local call!
    Marge: The phone company ran out of numbers, so they split the city into two area codes. Half the town keeps the old 6-3-6 area code, and our half gets 9-3-9.
    Homer: 9-3-9!? What the hell is that!!?? Oh, my life is ruined!
    Marge: Geez, you just have to remember three extra numbers.
    Homer: Oh, if only it were that easy Marge.
    Kent Brockman: [about "New Springfield"] Scientists say they're also less attractive physically, and while we speak in a well-educated manner they tend to use low-brow expressions like "oh yeah?" and "come here a minute!"
    Homer: Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh?! Bart, come here a minute.
    Bart: You come here a minute!
    Homer: Oh yeah?
    (Homer looks at his hand which reads Lenny = white, Carl = black)
    Homer: (confused) Is that right?

### Insane Clown Poppy

    Marge: So, Mr. King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now?
    Stephen King: Oh, I don't feel like writing horror right now.
    Marge: Oh, that's too bad.
    King: I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He's a fascinating man. He discovered electricity, (menacingly, as dark clouds gather) and used it to torture small animals and green mountain men! And that key he tied to the end of a kite? (thunderclap) IT OPENED THE GATES OF HELL!
    Marge: Well, let me know when you get back to horror.
    King: (cheerfully) Will do! (Writes a note: Call Marge, Re: horror)
    Marge: Look, Maggie, Christopher Walken's reading "Goodnight Moon".
    Christopher Walken: "Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon." (children listening slowly back away terrified) Please, children, scootch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scootching. You in the red, chop-chop.
    Homer: Dear Lord, bless this humble meal, and do you hear about Krusty? Whoo, man! I knew he was a player but, jeez, a kid!
    Marge: Homer, that's not a prayer, that's gossip.
    Homer: Fine, I'll discuss heavenly matters. (to God) So how's Maude Flanders doing up there? Is she playing the field? Oh, yeah, really? All those guys? (family stares at him in shock) Amen. (starts eating)
    Krusty: Listen, kid, I'm not the kind of dad who, you know, does things, or says stuff or looks at ya. But the love is there!
    (Fat Tony, Krusty, Moe, Snake and Homer are playing poker at Fat Tony's hideout)
    Krusty: My little girl's sharp as a tack. I tried the "got your nose" bit on her -- didn't fool her for a second.
    Homer: My uncle still has my nose.
    Krusty: (tries to contain his excitement at having four aces with a king kicker; but his bowtie spins) Oh, what a lousy hand! I'll stand.
    Fat Tony: I raise two Gs.
    Moe: I'm out.
    Snake: Fold-o-rama.
    Homer: Can we make this hand high-low?
    Fat Tony: No.
    Homer: I fold.
    Fat Tony: Krusty, are you in, or are you out?
    Krusty: Oh, man, I'm totally tapped. Would you consider taking my Rolex?
    Fat Tony: You mean ... this one? (pulls up his sleeve to show the watch)
    Krusty: Oh yeah, right. Just let me go to my car. (leaves)
    (Homer starts singing owimoweh from "The Lion Sleeps Tonight")
    Fat Tony: Don't do that.
    (Krusty searches his car for valuables; he tries to pry out his car stereo with a crowbar, but sets off the car alarm, deploying the airbag and knocking him into the back seat)
    Krusty: (groaning) The best hand of my life and I can't even - (noticing an object in the back seat) Sophie's violin. Oh no, I couldn't!
    (The four aces in his head sing to him, reminding Krusty that Sophie won't find out about it)
    (Back at the game, a jewelry appraiser inspects the violin)
    Appraiser: Well, it won't bring much cash, but its sentimental value is through the roof!
    Fat Tony: It is acceptable.
    Krusty: Then I'm in and I call! Four aces, read 'em and -
    Fat Tony: (deadpan) Straight flush.
    (Fat Tony puts his hand, the 2-3-4-5-6 of diamonds, on the table as Krusty looks on in horror, and takes the pot)
    Krusty: Oh, no, no! You can't! My daughter will never forgive me!
    Fat Tony: (imitates playing a violin) Oh wait. Now I can do it for real. (Fat Tony plays a song on Sophie's violin in front of a distraught Krusty)
    Homer: (As he's running from the mob shooting at him) Hey, I said I was sorry.
    The mob: Well, in that case we'll stop. What a class act and nice guy. (They stop shooting)
    Homer: Sorry, you are such jerks. (They begin shooting at him again)

### Lisa the Tree Hugger

    Moe (throws open the door of his shack and brandishes a box cutter): Hey, no menus!
    Marge: Oh no! My baby's up there!
    Lisa: It's okay, Mom! [holds up rope] I have a safety line!
    Homer: [to Jesse] This is your fault, with your non-threatening Bobby-Sherman-style good looks! No girl could resist your charms!
    Jesse: This was her choice, Mr. Simpson.
    Homer: I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was lost in your eyes.
    Jesse: I'm a level five vegan. I won't eat anything that casts a shadow.
    Rich Texan: [after the runaway tree destroys Hemp World] Yeehaw! Score one for the bad guys!
    Lisa: Mom, Dad, there's something I have to do. You're not gonna like it, but I really believe it's the right thing. [leaves]
    Homer: Marge, she's gonna narc on our stash!
    Marge: We don't have a stash.
    Homer: [shifty eyes] No, of... course not.

### Homer vs. Dignity

    Mr. Burns: [After Smithers told him about his musical about Malibu Stacy, a doll] Well, why not write a musical about the common cat, or the King of Siam?
    Marge: When did we become the bottom rung of society?
    Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.
    Kent Brockman: Whether you're Christian, or just non-Jewish, everyone loves Santa Claus!
    Financial Planner: It doesn't look like you've been saving anything for the future!
    Chief Wiggum: Well, you know how it is with cops. I'll be shot three days before retirement. In the business, we call it retirony.
    Financial Planner: Well, what if you don't get shot?
    Wiggum: What a terrible thing to say! Oh, look! You made my wife cry!

### The Computer Wore Menace Shoes

    [The Springfield Police Department web page is shown.]
    Chief Wiggum: If you have committed a crime and want to confess, click 'Yes'. Otherwise, click 'No'.
    [Homer clicks 'No'.]
    Chief Wiggum: You have chosen 'No', meaning you have committed a crime but don't want to confess. (van symbol is shown) A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home.
    Homer: Hey!
    Chief Wiggum: While you wait, why not buy a police cap or T-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous!
    Number 2: (After Homer bursts a giant bubble designed to stop him leaving): Why did you think a big balloon would stop him?
    Scientist: Shut up! That's why!
    [Cameras go the police getting all of the old stuff and taking Apu into custody.]
    Chief Wiggum: In the interest of our public safety, we have confiscated every bagel, donut, cruller, and bearclaw in the city. And some coffee.
    Phil: Yesterday, Mr. X reported that your own department-- (Cut off by Wiggum)
    Wiggum: I know. I know. But, I can assure the police do not take prisoners out of their cells and race them... Anymore.
    Phil: What about using the electric chair to cook chicken?
    Wiggum: All right, this press conference is over!
    Moe: Well, if Mr. X were here right now. I'd buy him a tall frosty.
    Homer: Hey, Moe. Can you keep a secret.
    Moe: No.
    Homer: Not even a little one?
    Moe: No!
    Homer: What if I just whisper it?
    Moe: No, I tells ya!

### The Great Money Caper

    Abe Simpson: This scam was in The Sting Part 2, so nobody knows about it.
    Abe Simpson (during the Publisher's Clearinghouse scam): I'm gonna get me a a crazy stripper wife!
    Ralph Wiggum: [Covered in fake blood] I look like cable TV!

### Skinner's Sense of Snow

    Kent Brockman: Roads closed, pipes frozen, albinos...virtually invisible. The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from "Winter Wonderland" to a "Class 3 Kill-Storm"!
    Marge: I don't like the sound of that "class 3".
    Kent Brockman: And where are the city's snowplows? Sold off to billionaire Montgomery Burns in a veritable orgasm of poor planning. (At the Burn's mansion, Burns and Smithers are playing volleyball with the snowplows. Burns hits a very large volleyball into a very large net)
    Burns: He shoots, he scores!
    Smithers: (laughs) Perfect form sir.
    Marge: Homer this is horrible! How will the kids get home?
    Homer: I dunno. Internet?
    Skinner: Yeech. It's getting ugly out there. What would Superintendent Chalmers do? (Chalmers appears in his mind)
    Chalmers: Skinner!
    Skinner: Well, that didn't help.
    (Reading his permanent record)
    Bart: 'Underachiever and proud of it." How old is this thing?
    Nelson: (After finding Skinner) There you are! (Over walkie-talkie) Falcon to Eagle, have located Bag of Crap.
    Skinner: Nelson, if you get me out of this I have a hall monitor position opening in the Spring.
    Nelson: I spit on your monitors.
    Skinner: I know. That's why the position's available.
    [Homer and Ned are about to collide with a silo]
    Ned: We're gonna crash!
    Homer: Do you have air bags?
    Ned: No! The church opposes them for some reason!
    [After a salt silo gets knocked down caused by Homer and Ned]
    Nelson: What was that?
    Lisa: It sounded like a silo tipping over.
    Bart: Look, the snow's melting! (Martin licks the melted snow)
    Martin: With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride! (Nelson begins to punch him, and Nibbles, the hamster comes to Skinner, in a Gym Dodge ball sack)
    Skinner: You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack.
    Nibbles: Huh? (Chalmers comes in a snow mobile)
    Chalmers: Skinner!
    Skinner: Oh, Superintendent Chalmers!
    Chalmers: What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell?
    Skinner: Uh- W-W-Well, sir, I, uh-
    Chalmers: There'd better be a good explanation for this.
    Bart: There is, sir.
    Chalmers: Ah, then I'm happy. (He speeds away on a snow mobile)
    Bart: We're trapped in the school!
    [Kids scream]
    Milhouse: We're gonna miss Christmas!
    [Kids scream louder]
    Principal Skinner: I fixed the DVD!
    [Kids scream even louder]
    Skinner: Well, I see you Scotsmen are thrifty with courage, too!
    Willie: OK Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your Willie around. I quit!
    Skinner: Fine, I'll do the job myself.

### HOMЯ

    Doctor: Mr. Simpson, this procedure could drastically increase your brain power, or it could possibly kill you.
    Homer: Hmmm... Increase my killing power, eh? Let's do it!
    (Homer is checking his stocks on the phone, using an automated system that responds to the name of the corporation with the stock results)
    Voice: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
    Homer: Animotion.
    Voice: Animotion: up one and one eighth.
    Homer: Yahoo!
    Voice: Yahoo!: up six and a quarter.
    Homer: Huh, what is this crap?
    Voice: Fox Broadcasting: down eight.
    (Homer grins smugly)
    Male Scientist: I'm sorry, Mr. Simpson, we don't play God here!
    Homer: That's preposterous! You do nothing but play God, and I think your octoparrot would agree!
    Octoparrot: [squawks] Ark! Polly shouldn't be! [whistles]
    [Marge is reassuring Lisa about the missing crayon]
    Marge: Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
    Homer: [crashes through the window] Who wants lottery tickets?
    Marge: Okay, it's in his brain.
    Homer: So you all hate me?
    Lenny: That's right, brainiac. You cost us our jobs, which we need for working.
    Carl: Not to mention driving to.
    Moe: And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A lot happier.
    Lenny: You ain't welcome here no more, smart boy.
    Homer: Hmm. I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern.
    Moe: Power off, Einstein.

### Pokey Mom

    Jack: Uh, which way's Mecca, I need to pray.
    Marge: (confused) Mecca? Uh...
    Jack: (chuckles) I'm just kidding. I'm Jewish.
    Lisa: So how was it in the slammer?
    Marge: Terrific. Bart, Sideshow Bob says he'll be seeing you real soon.
    Bart: (Chuckles) That Bob.

### Worst Episode Ever

    [Ralph enters the "Adults Only" section of the Android's Dungeon.]
    Ralph: Everybody's hugging!
    Comic Book Guy: I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.
    Carl: Hey, you knocking beer?
    Lenny: Nobody bad mouths Duff!
    (Breaks a Duff bottle against the counter causing the whole bottle to break off)
    Lenny: Ahhh, piece of crap.
    Homer: Come on, you're here to make friends.
    Comic Book Guy: Oh please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning I would befriend an air conditioner.
    Moe: Oh now he's ragging on air conditioners.
    Carl: Hey, they keep us cool in the summer pal!
    Lenny: Get him!

### Tennis the Menace

    Homer: It'll be nice to entertain friends and have people over.
    Flanders: Hey ya got a tennis court?
    Homer: Keep walking Flanders.
    Flanders: Will do.
    Homer: Faster!
    Kent Brockman: That's game set and match, but the real winner here are Marge's hors d'oeuvres.
    Homer: Wow, how do you come up with such witty remarks?
    Kent Brockman: (nervous laughing) Well... (Zoom's in on Brockman's ear piece, static is heard)
    (Shows a car outside where two writers are typing)
    Writer 1: Come on hurry up. (Writer 2 gives him a newly typed note) I guess you could say it's my racket.
    Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
    Homer: (gasps) (threatening tone) Get off my property.
    Lisa: Dad, you are just going through a classic Oedipal anxiety. You remember the story of Oedipus, don't you?
    Homer: Maybe five bucks will refresh my memory...
    Lisa: (groaning) Oedipus killed his father and married his mother!
    Homer: God! Who pays for that wedding?!

### Day of the Jackanapes

    Marge: I think it's good for a show to retire before it gets old and stale.
    Smithers: (walks in tired) Maggie shot Mr. Burns again!
    (the family stares blankly at Smithers)
    Sideshow Bob is trying to hypnotize Bart
    Sideshow Bob: You are in my power.
    Bart: I am at your command.
    Sideshow Bob: I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.
    Bart: I am in your power.
    Sideshow Bob: Excellent. Actually, go back to command. No... power, power!
    Sideshow Bob: Rakes! My old archenemy.
    Bart: I thought I was your archenemy?
    Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside of you, Bart.
    Sideshow Bob: Ah, Krusty, this is your Waterloo. Soon you'll be Napoleon Blownaparte!
    Techie: Ugh, terrible!
    Sideshow Bob: Oh, hush up, Leo.

### New Kids on the Blecch

    Bart: Who are you?
    L.T. Smash: Aw, you'll find out in due time.
    Bart: [reading an ID badge hanging from the mirror] Well, it says here your name is L. T. Smash.
    L.T. Smash: The time has come. I'm L. T. Smash.
    L.T. Smash: I want you to meet and greet the other members of the Party Posse. He's smart, he's soulful, he's Milhouse!
    [someone spins a chair around to reveal Milhouse, with a new haircut and hipper clothing]
    Milhouse: What up, G-money?
    L.T. Smash: Next: He'll break your nose, your glasses, and your heart - Nelson.
    [spins chair to reveal Nelson]
    Bart: Wait, these are just guys from school. Who's next, Ralph Wiggum?
    Ralph: [spins his own chair around] Whee! I'm a pop sensation!
    Lisa takes off a '.' sticker on L.T. Smash's name sign and gasps
    Lisa: Lt. Smash!
    L.T. Smash: Yeah, that's right. Lt. L.T. Smash.
    Lisa: How could you ruin the good name of Star Blitzzz! Productions?
    L.T. Smash: It's a three-pronged attack. Subliminal, liminal, and super liminal.
    Lisa: Super liminal?
    L.T. Smash: I'll show you.... (Shouts out the window at Lenny and Carl) HEY YOU! Join the navy!
    Carl: Yeah, alright.
    Lenny: I'm in!

### Hungry, Hungry Homer

    Howard K. Duff: Say, before you leave, Homer, why don't you try our newest product? We've developed an additive that makes Duff beer super, super malty.
    Homer: (Suspicious) Will this erase my memory?
    Howard K. Duff: No, of course not.
    (Homer goes to drink, then is syringed by Duffman. He collapses)
    Howard K. Duff: (sipping the beer). Man, this IS malty. But he'll never know!
    (Duff and Duffman laugh maniacally)
    [Homer's protest song]
    Homer (weakly): Dancing away my hunger pangs
    Moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt
    I'm kinda like Jesus
    But not in the sacrilegious way
    [Nighttime, day 9 of his hunger strike, an emaciated Homer sits in his chair and weakly waves his sign as the crowd cheers the game.]
    Homer: Oh, I'm so hungry. Oh, why keep starving myself? No one cares!
    [Homer spots a stray pretzel not too far from him. Desperately, he falls to his hands and knees and crawls toward the pretzel, only to stop when it gets stepped on by the foot of a ghostly figure.]
    Homer: Who are you?
    Spirit of César Chávez: The spirit of César Chávez.
    Homer: Why do you look like César Romero?
    Spirit of César Chávez: Because you don't know what César Chávez looks like.
    Homer: Why are you here?
    Spirit of César Chávez: To tell you not to give up.
    Homer: Oh, but I wanna!
    [From the main office, Howard K. Duff and his assistants watch Homer talking to thin air.]
    Assistant 1: He's talking to himself, sir.
    Assistant 2: And his smell is distracting the center fielder.
    Howard K. Duff: Hmm, yeah, this is getting sad. Let's bring him in.
    [The next morning, Homer is snoring when Duff's assistants unchain him and grab his arms]
    Assistant 1: Okay, skinny, on your feet.
    Homer: Huh? What's happening? Did I crush your evil plan?
    Howard K. Duff: No, you're being replaced.
    [The crowd boos as Homer is escorted away.]
    Announcer: And now, taking over for Hungry, Hungry Homer, let's welcome Paint-Drinking Pete!
    [The eponymous Pete cheerfully walks onto the field and holds up a bucket of blue paint before downing it. As he falls to the ground, choking and spasming, the crowd cheers]
    [The day after Homer has been moved to the stadium, a game is played while Homer runs from side to side, waving his sign 'Hungry For The Truth!'.]
    Announcer: Folks, it's time to meet a real super-fan: Hungry, Hungry Homer! He's on a hunger strike 'til the 'Topes win the pennant!
    [The crowd cheers.]
    Homer: What? No! That's not the reason! They're moving the team to Albuquerque!
    Announcer: That's right, folks, go, 'Topes!
    [The crowd cheers again. Homer slumps into his chair.]
    Homer: Oh, all this hunger for nothing!
    Vendor: Get your Duck!! Fresh, crispy Peking Duck!
    Otto: Hey, duck man! Over here!
    [Vendor throws Otto a duck]
    Otto: (eating) Mmmm. (almost orgasmically) Mmmmmm!
    [Homer suddenly picks up every sound the crowd makes while eating their snacks.]
    Homer: Do they have to chew so loud?!
    Marge: It's been a whole week. Why are you letting my husband die? What does that have to do with baseball?
    Assistant 1: Death is a natural part of baseball, ma'am.
    Assistant 2: Oh yeah, the main part.
    Howard K. Duff: Guys. Uh, we won't let anything happen to your husband, Mrs Simpson. He's in good hands.
    Marge: (looking at Homer through a telescope) He's not moving!
    [From Marge's POV, we see Homer lying on his back, eyes closed, mouth open. His white shirt is now stained greyed and frayed around the edges, and his pants are being held up by rope. Flies buzz around him.]
    Howard K. Duff: He's probably just resting after all the moving he did before you got here. (Aside) Turn on the sprinklers.
    [The sprinklers turn on, causing Homer to moan weakly and roll over onto his front]
    Howard K. Duff: See? He's fine.
    [Marge grumbles in frustration]
    Howard K. Duff: Well, Homer, your hunger strike lasted 12 amazing days.
    Homer: Oh, me so hungy.
    Howard K. Duff: Of course you are, Hungry Hungry Homer. So why not break your fast with our brand new Isotope Dog Supreme?
    Homer: (Smells the hot dog.) Oh, so hard to resist. Mesquite-grilled onions, jalapeño relish... Wait a minute, those are South Western ingredients! (The crowd gasps.) Mango-lime salsa? That's the kind of bold flavour they enjoy in... (Grabs the microphone.) Albuquerque!
    [The crowd gasps even more.]
    Lenny: He's right.
    Moe: Yeah, and the wrapper says Albuquerque Isotopes
    Sideshow Mel: Homer was right, they're planning to move the team!
    [Everyone starts getting angry at Howard.]
    Howard K. Duff: Now, now, see here, people. Let's not be too hasty.
    Homer: Tell the truth! Come on, everybody!
    Crowd: Tell the truth! Tell the truth!
    Howard K. Duff: Get him out of here!
    [Duffman proceeds to get Homer out of the fields.]
    Homer: Don't listen to him, Duffman. For once in your life, stand up for the little guy.
    [Duffman repeatedly turns to Howard and Homer].
    Duffman: New feelings brewing in Duffman! What would Jesus do?
    Homer: The truth never tasted so good!
    [Everyone cheers.]
    Bart: Way to go, Slim!
    Albuquerque Mayor: See how much Dallas wants for the Cowboys..
    Assistant: That's a football team, sir.
    Albuquerque Mayor: They'll play what I tell them to play...for I am the mayor of Albuquerque!

### Bye Bye Nerdie

    Lisa: I was wondering if you bullies would be interested in some bodyguard work?
    Nelson: Heh, that's funny. We were just talking about going into the protection business.
    Kearney: We're offering a lunch-and-recess package that's very affordable.
    Lisa: I had no idea you knew so much about bullying.
    Nelson: Oh, yeah, there's a lot of history there. Did you know it predates agriculture?
    [Francine is going on a rampage beating up every scientist in sight]
    Francine: SUCK FIST, DOCTOR DORK!
    Groundskeeper Willie: Ach! It's a mighty puddle of puke!
    Wendell: I'm sorry.
    Groundskeeper Willie: Aw, that's all right lad. It reminds me why I got into this business. [salutes him]

### Simpson Safari

    Homer: Olive oil? Asparagus? If your mother wasn't so fancy, we could just shop at the gas station like normal people.
    Bag Boy 1: [Homer keeps poking him with a baguette, trying to get him to go faster] Can you please-- Ow! Stop? Bag boys had feelings too, you know?
    Homer: No, you don't.
    Homer: 'Sulfur jerky'? 'Cream of Toast'? Where do we get this crap?
    Marge: Mostly they were from relatives who couldn't see very well.
    Homer: Okay, here's the situation: We're hopelessly lost and about to die.
    [a crocodile roars up from the river. The family screams]
    Homer: Don't worry! Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender.

### Trilogy of Error

    Wiggum: [answering phone] 9-1-1. This'd better be good.
    Marge: I just cut off my husband's thumb!
    Wiggum: ATTEMPTED MURDER?! YOU'LL BURN FOR THIS! BURN IN JAIL!
    Marge: It was an accident!
    Wiggum: Yeah, yeah. Save it for "Dateline: Tuesday." Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you?
    Marge: Arrest me? Um, my address, it's um, 1-2-3... Fake Street.
    Wiggum: [writing address down] 1-2-3 Fake Street. Okay see you soon!
    Dr. Nick Riviera: Inflammable means flammable? What a country!
    [as Homer walks to Shelbyville]
    Homer: [gets his severed thumb out of the pickle jar, groans] It's too late. [throws away Moe's jar of pickles] Well, old friend. We always knew this day would come. Say goodbye to your brother.
    [The robot explodes from distant, Linguo's head lands near him.]
    Homer: What the hell?! [picks up Linguo and gasps] Linguo! Dead?!
    Linguo: Linguo... is... dead. [powers down]
    [Homer closes Linguo's eyes.]
    Mr. Teeny (subtitled, to audience): This plot makes no sense. Tell the people.

### I'm Goin' to Praiseland

    Rich Texan: May the Lord have mercy on your gas-sniffin' orphan-beatin' souls.
    Homer: Christ be with you.
(while cleaning Ned's room to get rid of all the things that remind him of Maude)
    Lisa: Hey, don't throw that away. It's Rod's first tooth!
    Bart: You're right. We could use this for witchcraft.

### Children of a Lesser Clod

    Marge: That's not my uncle Lou. And this man's not dead.
    Moleman: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
    Employee: That's just gas escaping. [pushes Moleman back into the cabinet]
    Homer: But you don't have to worry about the bill. We've never welshed on a- Look, a bear! Run!
    [Homer gets up out of his wheelchair, but his leg snaps. He collapses and screams in pain. A bear suddenly appears and looks concerned for Homer's health]
    Homer: [in a video of him chasing Bart down the street with a flail] I'll mace you good!
    Bart: Aah!
    Homer: Hey! That is completely taken out of context.
    [Flanders comes over to pick up Rod and Todd]
    Flanders: So, did you boys have a good time?
    Rod: Yeah, Mr. Simpson was really funny.
    Todd: He told us how the world keeps screwing him over.
    Arnie Pie: (describing Homer's actions) He's jumping out of the car, Kent! He's trying to climb over the fence! Now he's realizing he's too fat. He's digging a hole like a dog. Now he's given up on that and he's running back and forth. He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck. His legs are dangling in a comical fashion. Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen.
    Kent Brockman: Arnie, Arnie, how are the children?
    Arnie Pie: I can't see through metal, Kent!
    [Lisa and Marge are watching Homer getting operated on]
    Lisa: So many times we've seen Dad go under the knife.
    Marge (while holding a card): One more, and I get a free hysterectomy.
    Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you've torn out your anterior cruciate ligament.
    Homer Simpson: Did you say an-terior?
    Dr. Hibbert: Yes.
    (Homer screams in pain)
(Dr. Hibbert goes over the hospital bill with Homer)
    Dr. Hibbert: You shouldn't have had all those hospital haircuts and porno films.
    Homer: But Dr. Screwlittle sounded like a delightful romp.
    Homer: [turns red in anger] That is completely taken out of context! Why you little... (angrily strangles Bart)