# Two and a Half Men (season 9)

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Two and a Half Men (2003–2015) is a TV series original centered around a hip single bachelor whose lifestyle is interrupted when his newly separated brother and his son move in.

### Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt [9.01]

    Alan: I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother and his incredible love for life.
    Lydia: He also loved being back for a week.
    Michelle: …while wearing my panties.
    Miss Pasternak: He used my panties to make tea.
    Alan: That's Okay brother.
    Walden: Oh, I'm sorry I made you spill him.
    Alan: That's okay, that's okay. I'll Dustbust him later.
    Walden: You know what, I'll get out of your way. Thank you for letting me use your phone.
    (Walden and Alan, in a bar, talking about Judith and Alan's divorce)
    Walden: Why did she (Judith) leave you?
    Alan: Not a clue, she's a crazy bitch.
    Alan: So, just out of curiosity, how does someone get to be worth so much money?
    Walden: Well, it's pretty simple, really. You ever hear of BlunGogo.com?
    Alan: No.
    Walden: You never will, because Microsoft bought it from me for $1.3 Billion. Then they bundled it with their "iPod killer," the Zune.
    Alan: Really? I don't think it came with my Zune.
    Walden: You bought a Zune?
    Alan: I had a coupon.

### People Who Love Peepholes [9.02]

    Walden: I love peepholes.
    Alan: You know what they say: "People who love peepholes are the luckiest people in the world."

### Big Girls Don't Throw Food [9.03]

    Walden: Wait a minute, Why are we calling it Jake's room?
    Berta: Herpes (Alan) has a kid.
    Walden: Herpes Junior?

### Those Fancy Japanese Toilets [9.07]

    (Walden and Evelyn just had sex)
    Walden: Promise you won't tell Alan?
    Evelyn: I gonna tell everybody.

### Frodo's Headshots [9.09]

    Alan: Have you told your mother about this?
    Jake: No, I was hoping you'd tell her.
    Alan: Why would I tell her?
    Jake: Because she already hates you and she scares the crap out of me.
    Alan: How could you do this?! How could you have an affair when I'm locked up in a booby hatch?!?
    Berta: I thought it was a stress clinic.
    Alan: EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT IT WAS!!! I lost my freaking mind!! But luckily, now I'm better! So, I'll have the tools to cope with WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT ME!!!

### A Possum on Chemo [9.14]

    [Jake and Eldridge are high]
    Eldridge: It seems overly complicated.
    Jake: What is?
    Eldridge: Why don't they just make chips with the dip already on them?
    Jake: Dude, that's a million dollar idea.
    Eldridge: What is?
    Jake: Pre-dipped chips.
    Eldridge: Hey, that's a million dollar idea.
    Jake: What's a million dollar idea?
    Eldridge: It's an idea worth a million dollars.
    Jake: Boy, I wish I had one of those.

### The Straw In My Donut Hole [9.23]

    Alan: …and what pray tell is that?
    Walden: That is a 46" high-definition plasma screen TV, complete with a deluxe sports satellite package.
    Alan: Nice! No movies?
    Walden: No, we could switch it to a movie package.
    Alan: Or you could add it.
    Walden: Oh, okay, we'll add it.
    Alan: And don't forget the adult channels.
    Walden: No problem.
    Alan: You have to ask for them specifically otherwise they block them.
    Walden: Right.
    Lyndsey: "You got any porn on this thing?"
    Alan: "Uh, gee, I, I don't know."
    Lyndsey: "Why don't you check? Shake things up a bit."
    Alan: "Oh, gosh, well, I, yeah, I guess I, I guess I, I-I could do that. Oh, look, there's some now. How fortuitous."

### Oh Look! Al-Qaeda! [9.24]

    Alan: Come on, Judith. He's your son, too. I have videotape of him shooting out of your body.