# Full House/Season 1

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Full House was a television sitcom that ran on the American ABC network from 1987 until 1995.

### Our Very First Show [1.1]

    Danny: Let's go mom, your bags are in the cab, the meter's running.
    Claire: The baby's sleeping like a baby.
    Jesse: (Seeing how small his closet is) Oh, great. I'm living in Webster's room.
    D.J.: Rule #1, you never touch my stuff. You should be taking notes. Rule #2, you never set foot on my half of the room.
    Stephanie: How do I get outta here?
    D.J.: Easy, you jump out the window and climb down the tree.
    Stephanie: I don't think so.
    D.J.: Suit yourself.
    Stephanie: I'll find a way out.

### Our Very First Night [1.2]

    Jesse: Now you can have ice cream and chocolate milk, no cookies.
    Stephanie: Yay!
    D.J.: (covers Stephanie's mouth) Okay.
    Jesse: Alright, girls. Listen here, now. It's almost midnight. You guys listen to two, three songs max. You eat your pie, then straight to bed, no nonsense.
    Stephanie: Boy are you strict!
    D.J.: Two bowls of ice cream sure gives you a lot of pep, huh?
    Stephanie: Does pep mean you can’t blink?
    D.J.: That's pep. (hearing music from downstairs) Party time.
    Danny: D.J., Stephanie, please come over here right now. Girls, we have a problem with Uncle Jesse.
    D.J.: Oh, no, Dad, we didn't have any problems with Uncle Jesse at all.
    Danny: I'm sorry. He was just so irresponsible. (looking under the table not realizing it's their fault) What is this? Uh-oh. Empty bowls and empty cartons. (sarcastically) Oh, now I see what happened. (not realizing that D.J. and Stephanie actually ate the ice cream sundaes and drank the chocolate milk) Uncle Jesse forced ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk down your throats -- and then he hid the evidence under your table. Oh, the sick fiend. He probably ignored you when you told him no sweets after bedtime, huh?
    D.J.: Probably.
    Danny: No "probably" about it, because otherwise, you'd be lying. And you know better than that, don't you?
    Stephanie: Probably.
    Danny: (still not realizing what D.J. and Stephanie did, but is still afraid they're fibbing) Well, that does it. I guess asking Uncle Jesse to move in here was a big mistake. In fact, this may be a matter for the police. Now, sweet dreams, my perfect little angels.
    D.J. Dad!
    Stephanie: Daddy! We were bad.
    D.J.: We did everything. We even ordered the pizza. We should go and apologize to Uncle Jesse.
    Danny: You're right. You go first.

### The First Day of School [1.3]

    Stephanie: Okay, wanna listen to the pledge? I pledge allegiance to the flag of some states of America.
    D.J.: Let me tuck you in, very tight.
    Stephanie: And to the public which understands, with God, and Liberty... I'm dead meat!
    Danny: Steph, don’t you want to go to school and be smart?
    Stephanie: I’ll stay home and watch public television.
    Jesse: Come on, Steph, spill your guts. Why don't you wanna go to school?
    Stephanie: Because I don't know anybody. I'll be all alone, it'll be real scary, I won't know anybody. And I won't have any friends.
    Danny: Oh. But Steph, you're gonna make friends. I promise. You and I, we're gonna go down there together. And Daddy's not gonna leave 'til everything's alright.

### The Return of Grandma [1.4]

    Stephanie: (after Danny, Jesse and Joey have cleaned the house) Grandma Irene, does this mean hell is freezing over?
    Danny: D.J., go put Annie Oakley in her bunkhouse. Jesse, find a corral for Trigger. Joey, I’m out of cowboy metaphors, so let’s put away the grub. I was wrong, I had one more.

### Sea Cruise [1.5]

    Jesse: Danny, this kid has been walking for three days and you haven’t stopped taping. I’ll feel sorry for her when she starts potty training.
    Stephanie: That's grandma, we gotta buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz off!

### Daddy's Home [1.6]

    D.J.: Oh dad, after Stephanie’s recital, can we hit the big sale at the Fashion Mart. Everything is half off.
    Danny: Of course, that doesn’t save me any money, because you’ll just buy twice as much stuff, right?
    D.J.: I like your attitude.
    Danny: Sorry I’m late. I was doing a feature on “Great Moments in Bowling”, and I got hung up when I couldn’t find a second moment.

### Knock Yourself Out [1.7]

    Sandman: Lou, you fired.
    Jesse: [on the phone with Michelle’s doctor]: Of course I know how to take her temperature. You simply put the thermometer under her ... [pause] Where? Joey, it’s for you.
Jesse: (On the phone with Michelle's doctor): Her nose? Yeah It's running like a fountain. What's coming out of it? Diet cola!

### Jesse's Girl [1.8]

    Danny: Hold on, Steph, I'm gonna call the cable company.
    Stephanie: You'll get a busy signal....fix it!
    Corinna: I love kids. That’s why I became a teacher.
    Joey: It’s why I never grew up.
    Corinna: You seem pretty grown up to me.
    Joey: Oh yeah, I’m the only guy in the world who has Abe Lincoln’s head on a stick.

### The Miracle of Thanksgiving [1.9]

    Danny: Who wants white meat? (cuts the turkey) Scratch the white meat. We have dark meat and really dark meat.

### Joey's Place [1.10]

    Jesse: You waltz in here 25 minutes late and expect sympathy?
    Danny: I didn't know...
    Jesse: I have cleaned the house, and washed and ironed your clothes, and ran a daycare center for socially deviant munchkins, and missed Oprah. Ran this one to a ballet lesson, this one to a dentist. [shows D.J.'s teeth] No cavities, thank you very much. Do you realize I have slaved over a hot stove so you could have a hot meal when you come home?! Huh?! Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?
    Danny: Jesse, I'm sorry.
    Jesse: "Sorry". "Sorry". "Sorry" doesn't change the fact that my chicken tetrazzini is ruined! Ruined! It's all dried out. But do you have the common courtesy to call me and tell me you're going to be 25 minutes late?! NO! Well, I am not an animal. Oh, my God. What's happening to me? I'm turning into June Cleaver.

### The Big Three-O [1.11]

    Danny: (To Michelle) What does Mr. Car say? You're right, he doesn't say anything, because he's dead.

### Our Very First Promo [1.12]

    [Jesse and Joey hear the "monster"]
    Jesse: North American Silver-Footed Ferret, adult male, 2 1/2 pounds. I'd say from the echo, he's heading towards the garage.
    Joey: How can you possibly know this?
    Jesse: It's a gift.

### Sisterly Love [1.13]

    Jesse: Now, I bet you're gettin' tired of all that strained baby food, now, I've got you a corned beef sandwich with a big fat kosher pickle, now what do you want on the side, potato salad or coleslaw? Just the pickle, okay? It's still warm.
    Stephanie: [reads her script] "I love Oat Boats, because Stephanie takes heaping spoonful of cereal. They taste great. She takes a bite."
    [D.J. laughs, until her sister stares at her]
    D.J.: Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead. Rehearse.
    Stephanie: [reads again] "I love Oat Boats, because Stephanie takes heaping spoon--"
    [D.J. laughs again]

### Half A Love Story [1.14]

    Stephanie: [about Jesse] What a guy, huh?

### A Pox in Our House [1.15]

    Joey: Germs take one look at my body and say "Hey- why waste our time?"
    Jesse: Women say the same thing.
    Joey: I can't have chicken pox, I'm immune.
    Jesse: You're immune to common sense.

### But Seriously, Folks [1.16]

    Joey: I tried, and I failed. I'm just glad I figured this out now, and not when I'm 46.

### Danny's Very First Date [1.17]

    [as Danny's daughters enter with ice cream]
    Stephanie: Daddy, could we talk to you?
    Danny: Sure. I thought we were going out for ice cream.
    D.J.: We wanted to make sure we still liked it.

### Just One of the Guys [1.18]

    D.J., Joey, and Jesse: [after scoring the first touchdown] IN YO' FACE!!

### D.J. Tanner's Day Off [1.22]

    Jesse: Joseph and I must deal with your misconduct, young lady! [pause] “Misconduct”? “Young lady”? I really am turning into my father. If I start wearing a white belt and shoes to match, throw me down the stairs.
    Stephanie: Daddy, take it easy. You’re hugging other people’s kids.