# The Nanny (season 1)

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The Nanny (1993–1999) is an American sitcom tarring actress Fran Drescher as Fran Fine, a charming and bubbly Jewish Queens native who casually becomes the pantyhose-clad nanny of three children from the New York Upper Class.

### Pilot [1.1]

    Fran: Oh, please! I come from Flushing. There is nothing these kids can throw at me that I haven't seen before. Except maybe their trust funds.
    Fran: You can't fire me! I quit! [walks out the door, comes back in] No, you fired me. That way, I can collect unemployment.
    Maxwell Sheffield: I overreacted. Didn't I?
    Niles: Like Reagan in Grenada.
    Fran: I just hope there's enough food. You know, shiksas are notorious for not ordering enough food. Booze, yes, but food, they don't know from.
    Maxwell: Shiska. Is that like a tchotcke?
    Fran: Yes, but they cost a lot more.

### Smoke Gets In Your Lies [1.2]

    Brighton: Why does everyone assume the worst of me?
    Fran: It saves time.
    Fran: [after an argument with Mr. Sheffield] Can you believe he just sent me to my room? He is so adorable sometimes.

### My Fair Nanny [1.3]

    Maggie: Who does C.C. think she is, butting into my social life?
    Fran: What social life?
    Maggie: I just went to the movies with Denise.
    Fran: Honey, she's the cleaning lady.
    [Trying to correct her walk]
    Mr. Sheffield: It's your hips, Ms. Fine.
    Fran: Well, I've never had any complaints before.
    Mr. Sheffield: It's the way they move from side to side.
    Fran: Well, I've never had any complaints before.

### The Nuchslep [1.4]

    Fran: Niles, are you okay?
    Niles: I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit queer.
    Fran: Don't ask, don't tell. But for God's sake, come out of the closet.
    Niles: Ill, Ms. Fine. I'm beginning to feel a bit ill.
    Fran: Oh, you British. You look like us, you act like us, but bottomline: you're foreigners.
    Fran: I'm just trying to expose the children to other cultures. We order Chinese food, they learn how Jewish people eat.

### Here Comes The Brood [1.5]

    [After hearing Fran call Mr. Sheffield from downstairs]
    C. C.: Ms. Fine, please. They've already freed Willy.
    Fran: I don't know about these straps, Ma. You look like a ham.
    Sylvia: The salesgirl said I look like a dream.
    Fran: Maybe Oscar Mayer's.
    Sylvia: She should choke on her commission!
    [At the Mishkin wedding, Fran tells off C.C.]
    Fran: Look, I can understand you feeling threatened by me.....yes, even in THIS dress! But there is no reason that we can't get along under the same roof. Oh, wait, you don't live with us!
    C.C.: Your point?!
    Fran: Look, you're a lovely woman, and I wish you well. But if you ever hurt one of my kids again, they'll be wiping your blue blood off the walls! And I mean that in the nicest possible way!
    [Watching Maxwell and Grace dancing]
    Fran: Look, Ma, she's standing on his shoes. Isn't that the cutest thing you ever seen?
    Sylvia: Adorable. Go cut in!

### The Butler, The Husband, The Wife And Her Mother [1.6]

    Fran: [About her uncle] Jack was always trying to one-up my mother. We bought a Skylark, he bought an Eldorado. We moved to Flushing, he moved to Florida. I'm telling you, she could never win. Oh yeah, once, she grew a moustache before him.
    Fran: What we need here is compromise.
    Mr. Sheffield: Meaning I do what you want and compromise my integrity.
    Fran: That's democracy in action.

### Imaginary Friend [1.7]

    Fran: Question: When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment? At all?
    C. C.: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.
    Fran: I remember when Goldie died, may she rest in peace.
    Mr. Sheffield: Your grandmother?
    Fran: My goldfish.
    Mr. Sheffield: Goldie the goldfish. Clever. You should write.
    Fran: I loved her so. And then there she was one day belly-up in her bowl, her little body just covered in ick. We gave her a 21 flush salute.
    Mr. Sheffield: Lovely tribute.
    Fran: No. She just wouldn't go down.

### Christmas Episode [1.8]

    Fran: Look, Gracie! Santa took a bite out of the cookies we left him.
    Grace: I didn't know Santa wore red lipstick.
    Fran: The man gets out of the house once a year. Live and let live.
    Mr. Sheffield: Niles, did you remember my attache?
    Niles: Yes, sir.
    Mr. Sheffield: And my carry-on?
    Niles: Always, sir.
    Mr. Sheffield: Well, seems we have everything.
    C. C.: [Enters] Maxwell?
    Niles: Oops, I guess I did forget one old bag.

### Personal Business [1.9]

    C. C.: Synthetic fur. How P.C. of you.
    Fran: P.C.?
    C.C.: As in politically correct.
    Fran: Oh, well, it's actually J.C. as in Penney. Your outfit's nice too.
    C.C.: Of course dear, it's an Adolfo.
    Niles: As in Hitler?
    [About the acting of a soap opera star]
    Fran: He is truly sensitive. When he cries, snot comes out of his nose.
    Fran: Oh Mr. Sheffield, I hope I didn't screw up your play.
    Mr Sheffield: Well frankly after how Brock treated you this evening I'm not sure I'd care to work with him anyway.
    Fran: Oh, that's too bad too, cause now he could really hit those high notes. [claps her hand together] [Mr Sheffield looking shocked]
    Brighton: Does that mean she kicked him in the–?
    Mr Sheffield: Goodnight Brighton.

### The Nanny-In-Law [1.10]

    Clara: Ms. Fine, is it? Which agency exactly was it that arranged for your position here?
    Fran: Oh, I didn't come through an agency. Mr. Sheffield hired me right off the street.
    Mr. Sheffield: It's not like it sounds. I tried her out for the weekend first.
    Fran: Aw he must've been so cute in his little crib, with his lil' silver pacifier in his little three pieced diaper
    Fran: Maggie, shut your mouth. We are not a PEZ dispenser.

### A Plot For Nanny [1.11]

    Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, what I am trying to say is if you are intent on having a fling then there are certain rules regarding proper places for a fling to be flung.
    Fran: Mm-hmm. So I take it the previous nannies never, er... flang?
    Mr. Sheffield: No, they were not flingers.
    [About Steve going back to college]
    Fran: Oh, a professional man! Doctor?
    Steve: No.
    Fran: Lawyer?
    Steve: No.
    Fran: Indian chief?
    Steve: I'll give you a hint. [Dons a red rubber nose]
    Fran: You're studying to be Karl Malden?

### The Show Must Go On [1.12]

    Mr. Sheffield: It is just a P.T.A. Meeting.
    Fran: Meanwhile, some of those Ps and Ts could be lonely hes.
    Niles: You've certainly got the A for it.
    [About Grace as a performer]
    Mr. Sheffield: My God, she has got something, hasn't she?
    Fran: Yeah. Guts.

### Maggie The Model [1.13]

    Chloe: I'll never forget those three glorious weeks we spent in Cornwall.
    Mr. Sheffield: We were never in Cornwall.
    Chloe: Devon?
    Mr. Sheffield: No.
    Chloe: The cozy little room with the fireplace and the four-poster bed?
    Mr. Sheffield: Nope. Not me.
    Chloe: Well, I had a good time.
    Fran: Aw, thanks, Peppy.
    Pepe: No, it's Pe-PAY, okay?
    Fran: Let me guess. Arnold, right?
    Pepe: No, Bernie.

### Family Plumbing [1.14]

    Fran: I'm gonna be canned for sure.
    Niles: Ms. Fine, you spend so much time up this creek, I should think by now you'd have bought a paddle.
    Fran: Maggie has to learn to handle 14-year-old boys so that when she grows up, she can know how to handle full grown men who, when you think about it, are a lot like 14-year-old boys.
    Fran: No way my little cousin Tiffany is still in pampers
    Tiffany: Good news, I'm potty trained which is more than I can say for him [points to her grandpa]
    Fran: I just saw Mr Sheffield naked, it was horrible!
    Niles: I keep telling him to get to the gym.

### Deep Throat [1.15]

    [About Fran's tonsil removal]
    Brighton: Remember, Fran, afterwards, you can have all the ice-cream you want.
    Fran: Swell. If I live, I'll be hippy.
    Fran: Shister Meffield, I love you.

### Schlepped Away [1.16]

    Sylvia: It's the worst blizzard in 30 years.
    Fran: Oh God! Did Kathie Lee come into the studio?
    Sylvia: No.
    Fran: It's bad.
    [About Kenny]
    C. C.: For all we know, he could be a member of a gang.
    Fran: What gang? The 'Oys In The Hood?

### Stop The Wedding, I Want To Get Off [1.17]

    Jocelyn: Maxwell, you described [Fran]'s laugh all wrong in your letter. It's nothing like the QE 2 adrift in a fog.
    Fran: Brighton, don't be greedy. God will punish you.
    C. C.: [Enters] Good evening, everyone.
    Fran: See?

### Sunday In The Park With Fran [1.18]

    Fran: Too bad we didn't have this conversation in the garden. The plants would have loved the fertilizer.
    Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, don't you have something you want to say to Mr. Bradley and his son?
    Fran: Yeah, but then I'd have something else to apologize for.

### The Gym Teacher [1.19]

    Val: That sales clerk was SO rude!
    Fran: I know! You ask to try on 20 pairs of shoes and right away they get an attitude.
    [Coming up with an excuse to get Maggie out of gym class]
    Grace: How about severe depression brought on by feelings of inadequacy and fear of death?
    Fran: Gracie, where do you come up with these things?
    Grace: Usually during hopscotch.
    Coach Stone: You call that a double handspring layout?! SHAPE UP!!! I've seen better routines in Gymboree! You MARY LOU ROTTEN!!!!

### Ode To Barbra Joan [1.20]

    Fran: It's like my mother always says—
    Niles: "You can freeze anything"?
    Fran: No.
    Mr. Sheffield: "Why buy Sweet'N Low when restaurants are giving it away"?
    Fran: No.
    Mr. Sheffield: "Seven cans of tuna fish count as one in the express line"?
    Fran: No. My mother always said: "Blood is thicker than water. And you can wash them both off of plastic slip covers".
    Fran: Mr. Sheffield, can I talk to you for just one minute?
    Mr. Sheffield: I doubt it.

### Frannie's Choice [1.21]

    Mr. Sheffield: So would you like me to be there when you tell the children?
    Fran: Oh Do we have to tell the children?
    Mr. Sheffield: I think they'll notice you're missing.
    Fran: Can't you just tell them I'm taking a bath?
    Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, you'll be gone forever.
    Fran: Tell them I'm putting on my makeup.
    C. C.: Hey, kids, you know when I'm down in the dumps, what cheers me up?
    Fran: A fifth of scotch and a fresh pack of batteries?

### I Don't Remember Mama [1.22]

    Fran: Hi. I'm Fran and this is Gracie.
    Bobbi: [One of the contestants] I'm Bobbi Jo and this is my daughter Betty Jo.
    Fran: How are things in Petticoat Junction? [They share polite laughter]
    Bobbi: So is this your first beauty pageant?
    Fran: Hardly. Yours?
    Bobbi: Oh, 'fraid not. Ms. Sun Svelte 1982.
    Fran: '83 Ms. Manny, Moe & Jack.
    Bobbi: '84 Ms. Leon County.
    Fran: '85 Ms. Union Turnpike.
    Bobbi: '87 finalist, Ms. Universe.
    Fran: Oh. Nothing in '86, huh?
    Mr. Sheffield: I don't know how C.C. can be so insensitive.
    Niles: Oh, sir, the woman would invite the Clintons to go whitewater rafting.