# Galaxy Quest

Galaxy Quest is a 1999 film: a parody of Star Trek and the cult following and conventions it has spawned. The movie is about the washed-up stars of a fictional 1978–1982 television series called Galaxy Quest and an alien race (the Thermians) who, having no concept of fiction, believe it to be a "historical document". The Thermians have modeled every aspect of their society on the series, including building a fully functional replica of the series' ship, the NSEA Protector. The actors subsequently join the crew of the real Protector, with the Thermians under the impression that the actors really are their characters, to try and stop General Sarris, a villain who threatens to destroy the Thermians.
    Directed by Dean Parisot. Screenplay by David Howard and Robert Gordon.

## Gwen DeMarco

* [on the ship's klaxon sounding] I remember that sound! That's a bad sound!
* [after going through the chompers] Whoever wrote this episode should die!
* Look, I have one job on this lousy ship. It's stupid, but I'm gonna do it, okay?

## Alexander Dane

* [completely deadpan] By Grabthar's Hammer... what a savings.
* [to Jason, after fighting Gorignak] I see you managed to get your shirt off.
* By Grabthar's Hammer, by the Suns of Warvan, you shall be avenged.

## Dialogue

    Alexander Dane: How did I come to this?
    Tommy Webber: Not again.
    Alexander Dane: I played Richard III.
    Fred Kwan: Five curtain calls.
    Alexander Dane: There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, damn it. Now look at me. Look at me! I can't go out there, and I won't say that stupid line one more time. I can't. I won't.
    Gwen DeMarco: Well, Alex, at least you had a part. Okay? You played a character people loved. I mean, my TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my boobs and how they fit into my suit! No one even bothered to ask what I do on the show.
    Fred Kwan: You had the - wait. Wait, I'll think of it.
    Gwen DeMarco: I repeated the computer, Fred.
    Gwen DeMarco: [watching the fans' reaction to Nesmith] You've gotta admit, they really do love him.
    Tommy Webber: Yeah, almost as much as he loves himself.
    Jason Nesmith: [Keeping Dane from running away] Come on, old friend!
    Alexander Dane: Old friend?! You stole all my best lines, you cut me out of episode two entirely!
    Mathesar: The medical quarters are to the left.
    Tommy Webber: What the hell is going on?
    Alexander Dane: Jason, what have you gotten us into?
    Gwen DeMarco: I don't believe this, it's insane.
    Fred Kwan: Wow, the floors are so clean.
    Guy Fleegman: [manning the sensor station; Sarris has sent missiles at the Protector] Hey, guys, th–there's a red-uh thingy, movin' toward the green thingy.
    Jason Nesmith: What?
    Guy Fleegman: [repeating] Red thingy, movin' toward the green thingy. I think we're the green thingy.
    Sarris: A little present for you, Commander.
    [Tommy is trying to steer the ship through the Thothian minefield]
    Alexander Dane: Could you possibly try not to hit every...single...one?!
    Tommy Webber: Sorry, man, they're driftin' towards us! I think they're magnetic!
    Computer: Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage. Aft vector guards, 96% damage. Structural breaches in quadrants 32, 34, 40...
    Jason Nesmith: What about the engines?
    Computer: Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage.
    Gwen DeMarco: Computer, what about the engines? Why don't we have power?
    Computer: The beryllium sphere has fractured under stress.
    Gwen DeMarco: It's fractured.
    Jason Nesmith: Can it be repaired?
    Gwen DeMarco: Computer, can it be repaired?
    Computer: Damage to beryllium sphere: Irreparable. New source of beryllium must be secured.
    Gwen DeMarco: We need another one.
    Guy Fleegman: Uhh!
    Alexander Dane: [to Jason] You broke the ship. You broke the bloody ship!
    Jason Nesmith: Eh, uh-- [clears throat] Computer, is there, uh, a replacement Beryllium sphere on board?
    Gwen DeMarco: Computer, is there a replacement Beryllium sphere on board?
    Computer: Negative, no reserve Beryllium sphere exists on board.
    Gwen DeMarco: [to crew] No, we have no extra Beryllium sphere on board.
    Tommy Webber: You know, that is really getting annoying!
    Gwen DeMarco: Look! I have one job on this lousy ship, it's stupid, but I'm gonna do it! Okay?
    Tommy Webber: Sure, no problem.
    Gwen DeMarco: Alex, where are you going?
    Alexander Dane: To see if there's a pub!
    [The actors are flying a shuttle to an alien planet]
    Guy Fleegman: [whimpering] I changed my mind, I wanna go back.
    Alexander Dane: After all the fuss you made about getting left behind?
    Guy Fleegman: Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship and something is up there and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy that gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet.
    Jason Nesmith: You're not gonna die on the planet, Guy.
    Guy Fleegman: I'm not? Then what's my last name?
    Jason Nesmith: It's, uh, uh-- I don't know.
    Guy Fleegman: Nobody knows. You know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name, because I'm gonna die five minutes in.
    Gwen DeMarco: Guy, you have a last name.
    Guy Fleegman: DO I??!! DO I??!! FOR ALL YOU KNOW, I'M "CREWMAN #6"! [puts his head on Gwen's shoulder and cries] Mommy! Mommy!
    Alexander Dane: [wearily] Are we there yet?
    [The shuttle has landed and Fred is opening the hatch]
    Guy Fleegman: Hey! Don't open that! It's an alien planet! Is there air?! You don't know!
    Fred Kwan: [calmly sniffs the air and takes a few quick breaths] Seems okay.
    [All are watching the alien creatures from behind some rocks]
    Alexander Dane: Could they be the miners?
    Fred Kwan: Sure, they're like, three years old.
    [The others look at Fred]
    Alexander Dane: Miners. Not minors.
    Fred Kwan: You lost me.
    [Jason is being menaced by a huge rock monster]
    Alexander Dane: Fred's no good, Jason; you're just gonna have to kill it.
    Jason Nesmith: "Kill it"? Well, I'm open to any suggestions!
    Tommy Webber: Go for the eyes, like in Episode 22!
    Jason Nesmith: It doesn't have any eyes, Tommy!
    Tommy Webber: Well, then go for the throat or mouth, its vulnerable spots!
    Jason Nesmith: It's a rock: It doesn't have any vulnerable spots!
    Guy Fleegman: I know! You construct a weapon. Look around you. Can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?
    Jason Nesmith: A LATHE?! GET OFF THE LINE, GUY!! Alexander, you're my advisor. Advise me!
    Alexander Dane: Well, you're just gonna have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?
    Jason Nesmith: It's a rock monster! It doesn't have motivation!
    Alexander Dane: You see, this was your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft!
    [Fred tries to digitize the pig-lizard with disastrous results]
    Jason Nesmith: What? what was that?
    Alexander Dane: Uh, nothing.
    Jason Nesmith: I heard some squealin' or somethin'.
    Gwen DeMarco: Oh, no. Everything's fine.
    Teb: But the animal is inside out.
    Jason Nesmith: I heard that! It turned inside out?
    [the pig-lizard explodes]
    Teb: And it exploded.
    Jason Nesmith: Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out, and then it exploded? Hello?
    Gwen DeMarco: [Flipping a bit of pig-lizard off her communicator] Hold, please.
    Fred Kwan: We gotta turn off that valve. Their oxygen's almost gone.
    Guy Fleegman: Listen. I'll go in. I'll create a distraction. I got this, [brandishes an oversized alien gun] I'm okay. I might be able to hold them back long enough for the aliens to escape.
    Fred Kwan: [concerned] That's suicide.
    Guy Fleegman: I'm just a glorified extra, Fred, I'm a dead man anyway. If I gotta die, I'd rather go out a hero than a coward.
    Fred Kwan: Guy. Guy, maybe you're the plucky comic relief, you ever think about that?
    Guy Fleegman: Plucky?
    Fred Kwan: Besides, [goofy laugh] I just had this really interesting idea. Yeah, let's go.
    Guy Fleegman: Are you stoned?
    [Gwen and Jason encounter the chompers]
    Gwen DeMarco: What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway!
    Jason Nesmith: Gwen, Gwen!
    Gwen DeMarco: No! I mean, we shouldn't have to do this! It makes no logical sense! Why is it here?
    Jason Nesmith: Because it's on the television show!
    Gwen DeMarco: Well, forget it! I'm not doing it! This episode was badly written!
    Tommy Webber: Whoo!
    Guy Fleegman: We're getting hammered, Jason! Return fire?
    Jason Nesmith: No! Divert all energy to the armor!
    Sarris: How adorable. The actors are going to play war with me.
    Gwen DeMarco: Sarris' ship accelerating toward us at Mark 2.
    Jason Nesmith: Accelerate to Mark 4!
    Sarris: Let me remind you, sonny: I am a general. If you are counting on me to blink, then you are making a deadly mistake.
    Jason Nesmith: Well, let me tell you somethin', Sarris! It doesn't take a great actor to recognize a bad one. You're sweating!
    Gwen DeMarco: Armor almost gone, Jason!
    Sarris: You fool! You fail to realize that with your armor gone, my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper!
    Jason Nesmith: And what you fail to realize is my ship is dragging mines!
    [The Protector is shown to have mines trailing it towards Sarris' ship]
    Sarris: OH, NO! TURN! TURN!
    [Sarris quickly does something on a console as the mines slam into his ship and destroy it. The actors cheer]
    Brandon's Mom: Where are you goin' with those fireworks?
    Brandon Wheegan: Well, the Protector got super-accelerated coming out of the black hole and just, like, nailed the atmosphere at Mach 15, which you guys know is pretty unstable, obviously, so we're gonna help Laredo guide it on the vox ultra-frequency carrier and use Roman candles for visual confirmation.
    Brandon's Mom: Uh, all right. Dinner's at 7:00.
    [Brandon leaves and his mother turns to his father, who seems distracted after Brandon's odd statement]
    Brandon's Mom: Well, at least he's outside.
    [last lines]
    Voiceover: And now, back again after 18 years, The New Adventures of Galaxy Quest.

## Taglines

* Never give up, never surrender!
* The show has been cancelled... but the adventure is just beginning.
* A comedy of galactic proportions.
* By Grabthar's Hammer, by the Suns of Warvan, you shall be avenged.
* All systems are functioning Commander.
* Pedal to the metal, Commander.
* Are we there yet?

## Cast

* Tim Allen - Jason Nesmith/Commander Peter Quincy Taggart
* Sigourney Weaver - Gwen DeMarco/Lt. Tawny Madison
* Alan Rickman - Alexander Dane/Dr. Lazarus
* Tony Shalhoub - Fred Kwan/Tech Sgt. Chen
* Daryl Mitchell - Tommy Webber/Lt. Laredo
* Sam Rockwell - Guy Fleegman
* Enrico Colantoni - Mathesar
* Robin Sachs - General Sarris
* Patrick Breen - Quellek
* Jed Rees - Teb
* Sam Lloyd - Neru
* Rainn Wilson - Lahnk
* Missi Pyle - Laliari/Jane Doe
* Justin Long - Brandon Wheeger

## External links

* Galaxy Quest quotes at the Internet Movie Database
* Galaxy Quest at Rotten Tomatoes
* Galaxy Quest May 4, 1999 draft script at SciFiScripts