# My Immortal (fan fiction)

My Immortal is a fan fiction based on the Harry Potter franchise, written by the pseudonymous author “XXXbloodyrists666XXX”. It chronicles the life of Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, a 17-year-old Slytherin goth, and her encounters with numerous unrecognizably altered versions of Harry Potter characters— including a foul-mouthed Dumbledore, a sexually perverted Snape, and a Voldemort who speaks in faux-Shakespearean English. The work is notorious for its extremely poor writing and nonsensical plot and is widely considered to be one of the worst fan fictions ever written.
Note: due to the extremely large number of misspellings and idiosyncrasies in the text all quotes are presented as they originally appeared, with minor formatting adjustments for readability

## Chapter 1

* Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
** First lines

## Chapter 4

* Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
* "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" It was….Dumbledore!

## Chapter 5

* ”Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

## Chapter 6

* In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood.

## Chapter 7

* We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

## Chapter 8

* "What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

## Chapter 9

* AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!
* Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort!
* "Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.
* Voldemort gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.
* "How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way. Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly.

## Chapter 10

* AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!
* I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.
* I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.

## Chapter 11

* Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks. "EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it.
* "Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly… Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.
* "I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"
* "BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. "Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. "Because I LOVE HER!"

## Chapter 12

* AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu!
* "That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely.
* "U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?"
* We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. "STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else. "Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily. Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!"
* SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111 HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I

## Chapter 13

* "Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there. "What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily. "Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time. He laughed in an evil voice. "No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged. "No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)

## Chapter 14

* WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.
* "Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. Then… he started coming!
* He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

## Chapter 16

* We ran happily to Hogsmede. There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. MCR were there playing 'Helena'. I was so fucking happy! Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was.,….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers!
* B'loody Mary was standing there. "Hajimemashite gurl." she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz 'how do u do' in japanese). "BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!) "It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily. Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. "Maybe Willow will die too." I said. "Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. "Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak." "Kawai." I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.

## Chapter 17

* "Hey bitch you look kawaii." she said. "Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything. She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.
* Gerard was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice. We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn't Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came. It was….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!
* "U moronic idiots!" he shooted angstily. "Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now….I shall kill thou and Draco!"
* Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…DUMBLYDORE!

## Chapter 18

* Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth). Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. There was lace all over it. Draco had a black MCR boom. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.

## Chapter 19

* I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!). I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot.

## Chapter 20

* Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. Then I went. Den I gasped….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1 "Oh my god you ludacris idiot!" they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying. Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) but both of them were fuking preps.
* "WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat)
* "WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him. "Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum." Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?" Then….. he showed me his flying car. I gasped. It was a black car. He said his dogfather Serious Blak had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. The one on da back said 'ENOBY' on it.

## Chapter 21

* Draco was crying in da common room. "Draco are u okay?" I asked in a gothic voice. "No I'm not u fuking bitch!" he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide. "Its ok Enoby." said Vampire comfortly. "Ill make him feel better." "U mean you'll go fuck him wont you!" I shouted angrily. Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too. "Draco please come!" he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. (if ur a homophone den fuk of!)
* And then….. we herd sum footsteps! Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke. We both gut under it. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand. "WHOSE THERE!" he shouted angrily. We saw Filth come. He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly.

## Chapter 22

* "Oh all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why your being all erective."
* "THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge. "YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!"

## Chapter 23

* "MR. WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!" Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her. "Oops she made a mistake!" he corrupted her. "She means hi everybody cum in!"
* "You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1"
* "No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!" shouted Vampire. And then… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv) They started to fight and beat up each other.
* "No!" he laughed crudely. "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!" Then he flew away cackling.
* "No!" I screamed sexily. Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.
* "Everyfing's all right Enoby." said Vampire all sensetive. "No its not!" I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. "OMFG what if I'm getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!"

## Chapter 24

* "OK class fucking dismissed every1." Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go. "Except for you Britney." she pointed at Britney and sum other preps. "Please do exorcize (geddit) 1 on page 3."
* "Okay you can go now, see ya cunt." said Proffesor Sinister. "Bye bitch." I said waving.

## Chapter 25

* We started tiling of each other's cloves fevently. He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar. I took of his black boxers. Then… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily. "OMFG Draco Draco!" I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively.

## Chapter 26

* "Sire are dads have been shot!" Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. "Enoby had a vision in a dreem." Dubleodre started to cockle. "Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony's not divisional?" I glared at Dumbledore. "Look motherfucker." he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter). "U know very well that I'm not decisional. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!" "Okay." he said in a intimated voice. "Were are they?" I fought about it. Then all of a sudden….. "Longdon."
* He went and called some people and did some stuff. After a few mistunes he came back and said people were going out looking for them.

## Chapter 27

* "Cum on Enoby." said Proffesor Sinatra. She was wearing a gothic blak leader dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it and fuking black platinum boots. "I have to tell you the fucking perdition."

## Chapter 28

* Then… I took off Draco's MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone. He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it. Black roses were around it. I gasped. He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way. Vampire took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4). I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif. We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it. "I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u." he screamed as we got an orgasm. We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly. Suddenly…. "WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!" It was….Snope and Profesor McGoggle!111

## Chapter 29

* "Oh my satan!1" we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily. "CUM NOW!1!" Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily. We left the room putting on our clothes. Snoop garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket.

## Chapter 30

* "No!11" we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly. Then… he came tords Darko!1!
* "What the fuck r u doing!" I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11!
* "You ridiculus dondderhed!111" Snoop yielded. He took off all of Drico's clothes. Just as he was about to rape him…. "Crosio!" I shited pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious. I stopped doing crucio. "You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-" shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came. Snake put the whip behind his bak. "Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing."

## Chapter 31

* "You look fucking kawaii, bitch." B'loody Mary said. "Fangs." I said.
* "Good luk!1" Everryone shooted. Darkess and Willow gave me deth's touch sin. Then….. I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive. Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was….Tom Bombodil!1111

## Chapter 32

* "u go to this skull?"(geddit cos im goffik) he asked. "yah that's why im here im NEW." I SMELLED HAPPili.

## Chapter 33

* "What happened 2 Snipe?" I growled. "U will see." Draco giggled mistressly. He opened a door…Snap nd Lumpkin werz there!11 Serious waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife. "NOOOO PLZ!1111" Lumpkin bagged as Serious started 2 suk his blood. I laffed statistically.
* I put on some blak platform high heelz. Darko put on 'desolition liverz' by MCR. Den….we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz. We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. "Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation. "I luv u TaEbory." he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol.

## Chapter 34

* Sorious cocked on da door. I hopened it. "Hi Ibony." he said. "Gezz wut u have 2 cum 2 Profesor Sinistor's office."
* "So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?" I asked Sorious flirtily. "I fucking tortured them." he answered in a statistic way. "They r in Abkhazian now, lol."
* "Where r Draco and Vampira?" I muttered. "Dey are xcused form skool 2day." Sodomize moaned sexily. "Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas."
* "Whose he!11" I asked. "Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn." Satan said. "He's da Portents teacher…..Ebony?" "Yah?" I asked. "Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat."

## Chapter 35

* "ORLY." I ESKED.
* "Were calld XBlakXTearX. I play teh gutter. Spartacus plays da drums" he said ponting to him. "Snap plays the boss. And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring."
* "Hey bastards." I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin. Suddenly I gasped again. "But don't u have a lead singer!" I asked. Lucian looked dawn sadly. "We uzd to but she did. She contempted suicide by silting her rists." "Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1" I gasped. "Its okay but we need a new led snigger." Samaro said. "Wel…..I said Im in a bnad myself." "Rilly?" asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik!111
* "Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. Do u wanna hr me sing?" Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz. They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) Gurn Day.
* I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1 He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans. "What da hell r u dong here!11" I asked. "I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby." he said siriusly Den….he took out a blak tim machine. I went in2 it and…..sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111

## Chapter 36

* "OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11" said Profesor Trevolry.
* We went sexily to Potionz class. But Snap wasn't there. Instead there was…Cornelio Fuck!11111 "Hey where the fuck is Dumblydore!111" Draco shouted angrily. "STFU!1" shooted Cornelia Fuck. "He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. "Now do ur work!111"
* "HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11" he shooted. I looked around….Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11 Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily.

## Chapter 37

* "Oh he's cumming." said Serious. "BTW u can kall me Hades now." Suddenly Satan came. He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, blak congres shoes, a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie.

## Chapter 38

* Satan and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. On da license plate said 666 just lik Draco's car. I went in it seduktivly. Stan started 2 drive it. We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan), kuttting, musik and being goffik.
* "Kul." I raised my eye suggestingly. And den…. he tok of my cloves sexily and we started 2 make out. I tok of his shit. He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 We frenched. "Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111" shooted da lady behind us she was a prep. "Fuk u!11" I said. Suddenly…. I attaked her suking all her blood. "Noooooo!11" she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether. Satan and I started to walk outside.

## Chapter 40

* "Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?" I asked gothikally. "No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax." said Profesor Trevolry. "He duzzn't know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up. Cum on!1"

## Chapter 41

* "OMFG Enoby r u ok." He asked gothikally. "Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation." I snapped sexily. "OMG am I dedd?" koz I remembered I had jumped in front off da bullet from Jame's gun. I also rememberd cing Drako doing it wif Snap!111
* "Who da fuck is that?" I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him. "Dis is…Hedwig!11" Sed Volximort. "He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm. "Hey Hedwig." I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b. "Lol hi Enoby." He answered but then he ran away bcos he had hair of magical creature. He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade under his breth( I no dat is not 80s but pretend it is ok!)

## Chapter 42

* AN: omg da new book iz kumming out rlly soon I kant wait!1111. I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both haff-blood so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy!1111 nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!111 omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha dat will be so shmexxy, wont it? If dey don't den JKR is hamophobic!111111 fangz 4 da help wiv facts, medusa u rok!111
* "Be quiet you Satanists." Dumbledore cockled. "If ur lucky I'll probably send u all to Akazaban! That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall." He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n'Sync song. Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging! Dumblydore didn't notece.
* "You dunderheads!1111111111" screamed Dumbledore wisely as we went.
* "Crucious!1" I shouted selectively pontificating my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured and I laughed sodistically.

## Chapter 43

* Draco began to take all of his cloves off and I could see his white sex-pack. Then Vampire took his own clotes off too. We all began making out 2gther sexily. I took off my blak leather bra, my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes. Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol. "Oh mi satan! Draco!" I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy Den he did da same fing to Harry. I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in. "OMS!111" cried Vampire. "Oh Vampire! Vampire!" I screamed screamed. "Oh Satan!" yelled Harry in pleasore. Loopin watched in shock. Wee took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists. Suddenly….. ….a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate flew strait through da windows. And Snap wuz in it!11

## Chapter 44

* "Dat's mi car!" shooted Draco angrily. But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car. It wuz….Snape!
* What is da meaning of dis?" Dumblydore asked all angrily and Voldimort lookd away (bcos dumblydore is da only whizard he is scared of.) He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily. Volxemort flew above the roof evilly on his broomstik. "Oh my goth!" Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik) "The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!" Snape ejaculated menacingly. "You fucking preppy fags!" Serious shouted angrily. "I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!" screamed Harry but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco's car.
* "Save us Ebony!" Dumbledark cried. I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent. "ABRA KEDABRA!11111" I shooted.
** Last lines of the fanfiction

## Notes

* ↑ Telekinesis is not mind-reading; the correct term is telepathy.
* ↑ Coincidentally, this prediction ended up being mostly correct.
* ↑ This is a correct but archaic use of the term to mean “spoke abruptly”.