# Polyamory

Polyamory is the practice or lifestyle of being part of more than one long-term, intimate, and, often, sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. Persons who consider themselves emotionally suited to such relationships may define themselves as polyamorous, often abbreviated to poly.

## Quotes

* Polyamory — that's where you're freely confessed that you have more than one lover at a time. And actually I'm less that way than I used to be, but I was trying to make people understand, that at least for some folks, this was a fairly natural state. And instead of skulking around about it that we'd all do better to avoid the deceit and be honest.
** John Perry Barlow, quoted in "John Perry Barlow: Wyoming's Estimated Prophet" - interview with Aaron Davis in Planet JH Weekly (28 July 2005)
* Marriage is only possible for me if it's an open marriage. A building situation where each helps the other grow. I've been dating younger men because they still have that spontaneity and creativity. But I haven't found anyone yet to have an open marriage with.
** Suzy Chaffee, New Woman Doesn't Marry, Lawrence Daily Journal-World, (June 20, 1973).
* As such, the Trinity can be a model for individuals who are polyamorous because the Trinity deconstructs the binary relationship model of marriage and domestic partnerships. Indeed, the radical love of the Trinity dissolves the boundaries between coupledom and singleness. Also, to the extent that each of the three persons of the Trinity are multigendered—as argued by Gavin D'Costa—then the Trinity is actually a polygendered or polysexual being itself.
** Patrick S. Cheng, Radical Love: An Introduction to Queer Theology (2011), p. 59
* I believe that trust is more important than monogamy.
** Savage Garden (Daniel Jones and Darren Hayes) in "Affirmation" (1999)
* There is a key trait in people who do polyamory well, and it's this: They are good at regulating their strong emotions. By that I mean, when something emotionally intense is happening to you, either good or bad, you're able to see it as part of a larger whole and keep it in perspective.
** Mistress Matisse, in "Control Tower: Not Too Emo" in The Stranger (31 January 2007)
* In my experience and observation, the following factors most positively influence the odds for [poly relationship] success: 1. General attitude of goodwill and a generosity of spirit 2. Willingness to be honest, especially when the news is likely to hurt 3. Independent spirit 4. Strong personal desire for a poly life 5. Reasonably good emotional intelligence and self-esteem 6. Reading poly literature and discussing it with partners
** Letter from "Poly out East"
** Nemerson, Andrea (March 28, 2007). "Work, work, work". The Guardian. Retrieved on 2007-12-06.
** Claimed by polyamory activist/educator Anita Wagner in Goddess of Java (November 12, 2007). "Back to Basics" blog (comment section). Polyamorous Misanthrope. Retrieved on 2007-12-06.
* Repeatedly, research on CNM shows that couples with differing sexual interests report being better off when they have multiple sexual partners. “In a relationship often there is a discrepancy between both partners’ interests,” says Muise. “However, people with multiple partnerships might be more fulfilled overall. If you have the interest in being sexual with other people it can be healthy to explore that.”
** William Park quoting Amy Muise, “The benefits of having many lovers”, BBC, (22 March 2020)
* “For the people who wanted to open their relationship and who did end up doing it, their satisfaction was significantly higher,” says Samantha Joel, assistant professor of social psychology at Western University in London, Canada. “Meanwhile, for the people who thought about it but didn't, their satisfaction dipped, but barely significantly.” Joel suggests that the uplift in satisfaction among people who switched to CNM might have been the result of a dragging effect. A better quality of sex life with a secondary partner drags up satisfaction with the primary partner, because suddenly the pressure of one person having to provide all of their enjoyment is removed. “We know that when people are happier with their sex life they communicate better anyway,” says Joel. “But people in CNM report having open communication – it is difficult to be CNM if you are not talking about boundaries. Whereas in monogamous couples, those discussions about boundaries often don’t happen.”
** William Park quoting Samantha Joel, “The benefits of having many lovers”, BBC, (22 March 2020)
* What the psychological profiles of CNM people might suggest is that they have emotional needs that cannot be satisfied by one person. “People in poly relationships might have higher needs in general,” says Balzarini. “We find monogamous people are on an even keel in terms of their needs for nurturance and eroticism. But poly people have high highs and low lows. They might be people who need both things simultaneously and it is hard to experience those things with only one partner. A primary partner who is nurturing is unlikely to also be exciting in an erotic way.” That said, there is very little in the way of a profile that you can build about CNM people, according to Moors. She says that there is no correlation between age, income, location, education, race, ethnicity, religion or political affiliation and CNM in her research. People who identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual are more likely to be CNM, but that is the only pattern. For something that seems to span all walks of life, there is still a relentless stigma associated with non-monogamous lifestyles. Moors gives the example of how normal it is to think of platonic or familial love as endless, yet for some reason we consider romantic love finite. “We already know how to have close loving relationships with multiple people,” she says. “But we are expected to believe that romantic love is limited? How many best mates do you have? Oh, that’s disgusting you have one too many? That would be a ridiculous thing to say.” We ask a lot from our partners. We expect them to be our life coach, best friend, confidant. “We don’t need all of those things from one person,” says Moors. Perhaps we would be better off by spreading our needs between more than one person.
** William Park quoting Rhonda Balzarini & Amy Moors, “The benefits of having many lovers”, BBC, (22 March 2020)
* No act of possession can be exercised on a free being; it is an unjust to own a wife monogamously as it is to own slaves. All men are born free, all are equal before the law; we must never lose sight of these principles. Hence, no sex is granted the legitimate right to seize the other sex exclusively, and never can any sex or any class possess the other arbitrarily.
** Marquis de Sade, Philosophy of the Bedroom
* The confusion of marriage with morality has done more to destroy the conscience of the human race than any other single error.
** George Bernard Shaw, in Man and Superman (1903); this has also been paraphrased as: "Confusing monogamy with morality has done more to destroy the conscience of the human race than any other error."

## External links

* Polyamory page at Sexuality.org
* Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality: Polyamory
* The InnKeeper's Guide To Polyamory