# Keeping Up Appearances

Keeping Up Appearances (1990-1995) is a BBC sitcom created and written by Roy Clarke, and starring Patricia Routledge as Hyacinth Bucket.

## Series 1 (1990)
### Daddy's Accident

    Onslow: Oh, nice!
    Elizabeth: I thought it was 3:25.
    Hyacinth: Not quite, dear.
    Elizabeth: My watch says 3:25.
    Hyacinth: Oh, that watch. Yes, I expect it would.
    Hyacinth: No, you cannot have a number 24 nor a double portion of 37. This isn't the Chinese takeaway. This is a private, slimline, white telephone with no connection whatsoever to any business or trade. Especially not one of foreign extraction!

### The New Vicar

    Hyacinth: Rose, you will not commit suicide! I forbid it.
    Hyacinth: The Bucket residence, the lady of the house sp--no, you cannot have three of 22 and a portion of 19 with chips. This is not the Chinese takeaway. This is a private, slimline, pearl white telephone with no oriental associations whatsoever!

### Stately Home

Hyacinth is startled into the hedge by the barking dog
    Onslow: Less noise, you daft bitch! That goes for you as well, dog!

### The Charity Shop

    Hyacinth: Sheridan deserves a father full of executive stress, wearing a bow-tie.
    Daisy: She's a real organiser, our Hyacinth.
    Onslow: She's a real...
    Daisy: (interrupts quickly) Onslow!

## Series 2 (1991)
### A Strange Man

    Milkman: Good morning, Mrs. Bucket.
    Hyacinth: It's Bouquet.
    Hyacinth: It's a matter of complete indifference to me whether it's sterilised, pasteurised, immunized, or privatised.

### Driving Mrs Fortescue

    Hyacinth: I hope you're not going to spoil things with lower-middle class humour.
Hyacinth is talking on the phone with her sister Violet
    Hyacinth: What's wrong with your husband, dear?
    Hyacinth: Whims and fancies. [chuckles]
    Hyacinth: They all have their whims and fancies.
    Hyacinth: In what way is Bruce going strange?
    Hyacinth: [laughs] Well, I'm sorry, Violet, but I thought for a moment there that you said he wanted you both to dress up as Robin Hood and Maid Marian. [chuckles]
    Hyacinth: Oh, he does want you both to dress up as Robin Hood and Maid Marian.
    Hyacinth: What do you mean I haven't heard the worst part?
    Hyacinth: He wants to be Maid Marian.

### The Candlelight Supper

    Emmet: She'll sing at me! She always sings at me.
Hyacinth receives a phone call from Sheridan
    Richard: What does he want?
    Hyacinth: I don't know that he wants anything, dear. He's just ringing his Mummy to wish her all the best for...(to Sheridan) You need a cheque for how much, dear?

### Problems with Relatives

    Hyacinth: I once caught Richard playing with a Frisbee. He said it's one he found, but I've never been sure.
    Hyacinth: I thought I heard a willow warbler! Did you hear a willow warbler? It's one of my absolutely all-time favourite songsters.

### Onslow's Birthday

    Hyacinth: (on the phone to Violet) Why is Bruce sobbing? ... But is it a large tear in his flamenco frock?
    Major Wilton-Smythe: Ah, the Bucket filly (pronounced "Bouquet")!

### Singing for Emmet

Another customer for the Chinese take-away rings up
    Hyacinth: The Bucket residence, the lady of the house speaking! ...Do I sound like a Chinese takeaway? I am a highly desirable private residence in an area of outstanding natural property values, and I am waiting for your apology... unless, of course, the thought of bean shoots and crispy won-ton have stir-fried your basic humanity. Now kindly clear this line! There are people of substance in this community who are probably queueing to ring me at this very moment! ...Your suggestion is noted, but I see little practical merit in having the telephone up my jumper.
    Hyacinth: (on the phone) May I speak to the Vicar, please? Not available? Is he busy? ...Oh, ringing the bells. Rings his own bells? How democratic.

### The Toy Store

    Hyacinth: (on the phone to Violet) I've got Elizabeth and Emmet here. You remember Elizabeth, from next door. Her husband works abroad somewhere; one of those Arab countries. Yes, you met her at one one of my candlelight suppers. She drops things.

### The Three-Piece Suite

    Hyacinth: The Bucket residence, the lady of the house speaking! No, I cannot send round another portion of stir-fried squid with fish balls and broccoli. This is not the Green Lotus Chinese takeaway. I may only be one digit removed, but believe me, it's a whole other world. ...I heard that, and it wasn't Chinese.

### A Picnic for Daddy

    Vicar: Oh damn! It's the Bucket woman!
    Vicar's wife: Should you be saying "damn" like that?
    Vicar: Not normally, no. (prepares to leave)
    Vicar's wife: What are you doing?
    Vicar: I'm turning round.
    Vicar's wife: You can't turn round! You have to help these people.
    Vicar: Oh, I suppose you're right.
    Vicar's wife: (notices Rose) Oh damn! It's the vampire sister! You were right! Turn round! Turn round!
    Vicar: I can't turn round now! They've seen us!
    Hyacinth: How fares the church worldwide then, vicar? For instance, what is the missionary position in China these days?

### Christmas Special: The Father Christmas Suit (1991)

Onslow and his family will be coming for Christmas Eve
    Hyacinth: They are my family and I love them dearly, especially at this time of year, when it gets dark early.
    Hyacinth: If there's one thing that distinguishes us from other people, it's the absence of vulgar noises.
After a phone conversation with Mrs Thorgunby, whom she mistook for a child at first
    Hyacinth: What a silly little voice!

## Series 3 (1992)
### Early Retirement

Richard has just locked Hyacinth out of the house by mistake
    Richard: I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking.
    Hyacinth: I will not have you not thinking in front of the neighbours, Richard!

### Iron Age Remains

    Hyacinth: It could be a Neanderthal barrow, dear. It says in the guidebook they had barrows. I expect they wheeled rocks about and things!
    Hyacinth: If my Sheridan were here, he'd be appalled.

### Violet's Country Cottage

    Emmet: What's wrong with you, Liz? Why are you so subdued? Two whole days Hyacinth-free!
    Elizabeth: Not quite.
    Emmet: There's something you haven't told me.
    Elizabeth: Yes.
    Emmet: Well, go on. Tell me.
    Elizabeth: Hyacinth wants us to visit them this evening...at the cottage...for a barbecue.
    Emmet: You didn't say yes!
    Elizabeth: I didn't say anything! When does one ever say anything? We're just expected! Oh, don't cry, Emmet! I hate it when you cry! Oh!

### How to Go on Holiday without Really Trying

    Hyacinth: If there's one thing I can't stand, it's snobbery and one-upmanship. People trying to pretend they're superior. Makes it so much harder for those of us who really are.
Rose appears at the church in a frilly skirt, carrying a feather duster
    Hyacinth: Rose, what are you doing?
    Rose: I've come to help out with the church cleaning for that dishy vicar!

### Richard's New Hobby

Sheridan is apparently still wearing his knee bandage, to Hyacinth's relief
    Hyacinth: (on the phone) I've always thought you looked like Mummy's brave little soldier. Well, perhaps not soldier, dear. More like Mummy's brave little poet or interior designer.

### The Art Exhibition

Daddy has run away to join the French Foreign Legion
    Richard: Do you know which way he's gone?
    Hyacinth: To France! Go to the roundabout and head for France!
    Mrs. Lennox: Oh damn! It's the Bucket woman!
    Hyacinth: It's a terrible thing to lose one's Daddy just before a cheese and wine.

### What to Wear When Yachting

    Onslow: Did you bring any beer?
    Rose: No, I didn't.
    Onslow: I'm sitting here, completely surrounded by no beer!
Emmet is not looking forward to visiting Hyacinth on a yacht
    Emmet: It's chilling. Just imagine: a whole night on board some old bucket, with another old Bucket!

## Series 4 (1993)
### A Job for Richard

    Hyacinth: (to the postman) I hope that's a first-class stamp. I object to having second-class stamps thrust through my letterbox. I should have thought postmen would be trained to recognise first-class stamp houses.
    Hyacinth: Richard! I've been offered a job at Frosticles!
    Richard: Take it, Hyacinth! Please!
    Hyacinth: I couldn't do that, dear. You'd be so bored at home without me.

### Country Retreat

    Hyacinth: Beautiful day, Elizabeth?
    Elizabeth: Yes, isn't it.
    Hyacinth: Completely conducive to contemplating cosy charismatic country cottages.

### A Celebrity for the Barbecue

    Rose: Onslow, Father's on the roof again!
    Onslow: Ask him if he's got my bottle opener!

### Looking at Properties

    Richard: What's wrong now?
    Hyacinth: You don't look like someone on business. You look like someone who's gone to fetch a Daddy from a police station.
Richard has dropped Daddy off at Onslow's house. This is one of the few times that Daddy speaks
    Richard: Bye!
    Daddy: (mischievously) His car won't start!

### Please Mind Your Head

    Hyacinth: Now listen, horse: I'm not a person to be trifled with.

### Let There Be Light

    Daisy: Why don't we have a second honeymoon?
    Onslow: I remember what happened the first time.
    Daisy: Me too. I remember what happened the first time.
    Onslow: We argued the all the time.
    Daisy: Not all the time.
    Onslow: Nearly all the time. I couldn't get over that confession of yours!
    Daisy: Well, I thought it was only proper. If we were starting married life, we shouldn't have any secrets.
    Onslow: But what a time to spring it on a bloke. On his wedding night! I barely got started on all your new underwear and then you told me.
    Daisy: I thought it was a bit much, you getting straight up and going out for a long walk.
    Onslow: I had to think about things. I had to decide if I could live with it.
    Daisy: I can't think what was so bad about it!
    Onslow: You should have come clean about it before we got married.
    Daisy: You wouldn't have married me.
    Onslow: You were lucky I didn't divorce you.
    Daisy: It's not grounds for divorce.
    Onslow: Being a Liverpool supporter!

### Christmas Special: Sea Fever (1993)

    Onslow: You look up at the sky and you think 'That's nice.' Little do you realise it's full of black holes! They can suck you in. Compress all your matter.
    Daisy: (looking at his stomach) It could do with a bit.
    Onslow: Oh, nice!
    Daisy: Look, if it's going to upset you, you have to stop watching Open University.
    Onslow: I wish we could afford a new car.
    Daisy: I wish we could afford this one.
    Richard: I'll be up there, looking for icebergs and growing a beard.
    Richard: I believe I could get used to this; going places and not having to drive. (to himself) Not that I ever do drive. I just steer and follow instructions.
Hyacinth is genuinely angry about having to push the Rover 200 when it gets stuck
    Hyacinth: You'll pay for this, Richard Bucket! (realises her mistake) ...Bouquet!

### Christmas Special: Angel Gabriel Blue (1994)

    Hyacinth: The Bucket residence, the lady of the house speaking! No, you cannot have a number 41 with noodles instead of rice. Do I sound like the Green Lotus? What do you mean "sounds more like the Green Dragon"? Look, I must warn you, you're speaking to a white slimline telephone within the precincts of a clergyman. And a very merry Chinese New Year to you, too!
Why ask the Vicar for advice about a kitchen work surface?
    Hyacinth: When you have to choose between Angel Gabriel Blue and Lucifer Grey, you need the spiritual advice.
    Richard: Oh, I see.
    Hyacinth: I had to have the Vicar's confirmation that this is Angel Gabriel blue.
    Daisy: A strange man in the house.
    Rose: (looks at Onslow) There's been one here for years.
    Daisy: What are we going to do?
    Onslow: Well, I know what I'm gonna do. (hits the TV and sits down)
    Daisy: Onslow, you can't just sit there watching telly when there's a strange man in Father's bed!
    Onslow: Throw him out.
    Rose: You can't! He's got a receipt!

## Series 5 (1995)
### The Senior Citizens' Outing

    Hyacinth: (on the phone to Sheridan) Your car needs a respray? Oh, but I thought your friends liked that lilac colour.

### The Mayor's Fancy Dress Ball

    Richard did not enjoy playing Mark Antony at the last ball
    Hyacinth: Oh no dear! I couldn't let you loose as a Roman again!
    Hyacinth is dismayed to see that she is not the only guest dressed as Queen Boudica
    Hyacinth: Home, Richard! I will not share my throne with those impostors!

### A Riverside Picnic

    Hyacinth: It's my sister, Violet. She's the one with the Mercedes, sauna and a musical bidet. Classical, of course.

### Skis

    Hyacinth: (on the phone) Look, Rose. If you need somewhere private, bring him here. Then I can keep an eye on you, and Richard can show him his skis!
    Miss Pilsworth (Seeing Hyacinth coming) Oh, Lord. It's the Candlelight Queen.

### Country Estate Sale

    Elizabeth: You're a grown man!
    Emmet: And she's a groan a minute!
    Hyacinth: (a little tipsy) I do hope, your Lordship, that someday you'll give me the pleasure of entertaining you at one of my candle-lie slippers. We shall most deferably be having a glass or two of the Dowager Lady Ursula's home-goose wade-berry mine.
    Hyacinth: (drunk) Don't turn left, Richard. Strrraight on!
    Richard: Why?
    Hyacinth: I want to take a little gift to Daddy: a bottle of the Dowager Lady Ursula's gomemade wooseberry hine.

### A Barbecue at Violet's

    Hyacinth is harassing a man in a phone box. Richard decides enough is enough
    Richard: Hyacinth, stop that at once and GET INTO THE CAR!
    Man in phone box: Well done, sir! In wartime, you'd have got a medal for courage like that.

### The Rolls Royce

    Rose: Why is Onslow reading the Financial Times?
    Onslow: I like to keep an eye on the economy. A bloke in my position has to wonder how long the country can afford him. If we don't get the economy right, people like me are gonna be in trouble! It's the duty of all of us to be concerned about the shrinking pound.
    Daisy: And when I married him, I thought he was just a sex symbol.

### The Hostess

    Hyacinth: Now, what shall I wear to answer the telephone?
    Hyacinth: The Bucket residence, the lady of the house speaking! No, I do not have an offer on spicy prawn balls. This is not the Chinese takeaway. And will you please get off my white slimline telephone with last number redial?
While fleeing from a group of men expecting a striptease artist
    Hyacinth: You have one last task to perform.
    Richard: What's that?
    Hyacinth: To go back into Number 24a.
    Richard: Why, for goodness' sake?
    Hyacinth: To get Daddy out!

### Christmas Special: The Pageant (1995)

    Hyacinth: (on the phone to Daisy) I need volunteers. My other people didn't turn up. Everybody seems to be ill. There's an epidemic doing things to grandmothers you just wouldn't believe!
Hyacinth is leaving the church hall on a stretcher, after being injured by some falling scenery
    Hyacinth: (to Richard) Please make sure Onslow wears a tie at the funeral.
    Vicar: It was just a bump on the head, Mrs Bucket.
    Hyacinth: Tell God it's Bouquet!

## Miscellaneous

    Hyacinth: The Bucket residence, the lady of the house speaking.
    Hyacinth: It's my sister, Violet, the one with the Mercedes, sauna and room for a pony.
    Hyacinth: Oh, Richard!
    Hyacinth: I must answer my white, slimline telephone with last number redial, it's bound to be someone important.

## External links

* Keeping Up Appearances quotes at the Internet Movie Database