# Steve Martin

Stephen Glenn Martin (born 14 August 1945) is an American comedian, writer, actor, musician and composer.

## Quotes

* The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need. My name in print. That really makes somebody. Things are going to start happening to me now!
** As Navin R. Johnson in The Jerk (1979)
* All of a sudden I had to remember some words that Marlowe had told me over fifteen years ago: "Dead men don't wear plaid." Hmm... Dead men don't wear plaid. I still don't know what it means.
** As Rigby Reardon in Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)
* You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.
** As Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr in The Man with Two Brains (1983)
* A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.
** As Harris K. Telemacher in L.A. Story (1991)
* Why is it we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?
** As Harris K. Telemacher in L.A. Story (1991)
* Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman — it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.
** Hosting the 73rd Academy Awards (2001) [14:42]
* I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
** Introducing the best adapted screenplay at the 2003 Academy Awards
* It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it — The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.
** After Moore's speech at the 75th Academy Awards, in 2003.
* People come up to me and say "Steve, what is film editing?" And I say "How should I know? You're the director."
** Introducing the film editing award at the Oscars.

### Let's Get Small (1977)

* You know, a lot of people come to me and they say: "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.

### A Wild and Crazy Guy (1978)

* I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
* Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! [audience repeats] I promise to be unique! [audience repeats] I promise not to repeat things other people say! [audience repeats, laughs] Good!
* It's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, 'cause it seems so mythological, and seems so arbitrary; and then on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. — I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch. [Audience member]: What's your mood watch say? Martin: Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer.
* I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening — or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning … But never at dusk! Never at dusk, I would never do that.

### Comedy Is Not Pretty! (1979)

* Comedy is not pretty.

## Quotes about Martin

* Steve Martin came around for a barbecue once. I was grilling and he said, "Oh, no, I can’t have any of that." I asked why not and he said, "Sorry, I'm vegetarian." I said, "You didn’t know we are?! Everything on the grill is veggie!" He said, "Ahhh" and ate three veggie burgers and then asked where he could buy them.
** Paul McCartney, Animal Times interview (Fall 1998)
* (What’s your favorite book by a comedian?) It’s a tossup between Charlie Murphy’s The Making of a Stand-Up Guy and Steve Martin’s Born Standing Up. Both books capture the business incredibly well.
** Trevor Noah interview (2016)

## External links

* Official site
* Steve Martin in Reader's Digest, January 2008
* Steve Martin on IMDb