# The Simpsons/Season 2

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The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

### Bart Gets an F

    Mrs. Krabappel: Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. Are you aware of that?
    Bart: Yes, ma'am.
    Mrs. Krabappel: Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on colonial America?
    Bart: Yes, ma'am.
    Mrs. Krabappel: Blablahblblah blahblahblablahblah?
    Bart: Yes, ma'am.
    Mrs. Krabappel: Blahblah blahblablablahBLABLAH..?
    Bart: Yes, ma'am.
    Mrs. Krabappel: BART! You haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you?
    Bart: Yes, ma'am.
    Mrs. Krabappel: Well, then, what did I say?
    Bart: Uuhhhh...."Straighten up and fly right?"
    Mrs. Krabappel: Ptch - that was a lucky guess!
    Otto: Hey, Bart Dude! Woah, you look freaked!
    Bart: Hey, Otto, man; I have a test today that I am not ready for! Could you please crash the bus or something?
    Otto: Sorry, Bart Dude. Can't do it on purpose. But, hey, maybe you'll get lucky!
    Bart: [to himself] Alright. No need to panic. Just find an egghead, pump up for some answers, and boom, I'm back on Easy Street. [sees Sherri and Terri in the distance. Grinning, he makes his way over to them]
    Terri: Look at him. I'll bet he didn't study again!
    Sherri: And now he's gonna try and kiss up and get answers from us.
    Terri: He's pathetic!
    Bart: Good morning, girls!
    Sherri and Terri: Good morning, Bart.
    Bart: Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?
    Sherri: The Spirit of St. Louis.
    Bart: And where'd they land?
    Terri: Sunny Acapulco.
    Bart: And why'd they leave England?
    Sherri: Giant rats.
    Bart: [writing down the information in a notebook] Cool, history's coming alive!
    [The bus arrives at Springfield Elementary. As the students disembark, Sherri and Terri giggle softly at their trick]
    Martin: [approaching Bart] As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care, but the information regarding America's colonial period you received is erroneous.
    Bart: Meaning....
    Martin: A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance of passing this test than you do.
    Bart: Thanks for the pep talk...

### Simpson and Delilah

    Homer: [after watching a commercial about Dimoxinil] Hair. Hair. Just like everybody else.
    Homer: So I say, forget you pal! Thanks for nothing! And I storm right out of there.
    Lenny: Ah ha, that's telling him, Homer.
    Homer: D'oh! Out of tartar sauce. They call this a portion? Are you gonna use your sauce? Dry fish sticks! This sucks.
    Carl: Quit complaining, chrome-dome.
    Homer: D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that!
    [Mr. Burns and Smithers study security camera footage]
    Mr. Burns: Morons. Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money. This is hopeless. None of these cretins deserves a promotion.
    Smithers: Well, it’s in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year.
    Mr. Burns: Wait! Who is that young go-getter? [points at a monitor with Homer on it with hair]
    Smithers: Well, it sort of looks like [chuckles] Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful-looking.
    Mr. Burns: Simpson, huh? Hmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image. Our new junior executive. Bring him to me!
    Smithers:[on the intercom] Attention Homer Simpson, you have been promoted. You are now an executive. Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friends; then report to room 503 for reassignment to a better life.
    Karl: You don't belong here.
    Homer: Huh?
    Karl: You don't belong here. You're a fraud, a phoney, and it's only a matter of time 'til they find you out.
    Homer: [gasps] Who told you?
    Karl: You did. You told me that the way you slump your shoulders, the...the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself in bargain basement green polyester! [grabs his hands] I want you to say to yourself, "I deserve this. I love it. I am nature's greatest miracle!" Go ahead, say it.
    Homer: I-I-
    Karl: Trust me, Homer!
    Homer: I...
    Karl: Take a step and say it!
    Homer: I deserve this...
    Karl: Louder!
    Homer: I DESERVE THIS!
    Karl: SHOUT IT!
    Homer: I AM NATURE'S GREATEST MIRACLE!
    Karl: I'll need three weeks vacation and moving expenses.
    Homer: YOU GOT IT, BUDDY!
    Karl: Let's go shopping!
    [Bart is foolishly putting Dimoxinil on his face to grow a beard]
    Homer: [comes in] Bart! What are you doing?!
    Bart: Uh-oh. [accidentally drops the Dimoxinil, and it spills all over the floor]
    [Homer and Bart freak out screaming]
    Homer: [turns red with anger] Why, you little..! [Bart cowardly runs out of his father's room screaming, as the latter furiously chases him, angrily growling. He clumsily trips over the lamp and angrily strangles Bart] Boy must die!
    Bart: I love you, Dad!
    Homer: D'oh! Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are going to haunt you for the rest of your days: You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!
    Bart: It is?!
    Mr. Burns: [angry over Homer's failed speech] Well, well...our dashing young junior executive. You made a mockery of our meeting! I should fire you on the spot! [calms down] But I'm not going to.
    Homer: [confused] Why?
    Mr. Burns: How old do you think I am?
    Homer: I don't know...102?
    Mr. Burns: I'm only 81. [produces photo album. First photo shows him as a baby with a full head of hair] You may find this hard to believe, but in my salad days...my glory was a bright shock of strawberry blonde curls. [subsequent photos show him playing sports and at school dances] Oh, I was big man on campus, until my senior year... [final photo shows him in a lab with a receding hairline] ...when I became as bald as a plucked chicken. [sadly] You see, Simpson...I too know the sting of...male-patterned baldness. That's why I'm giving you your old job back.
    Homer: What? [bends his knees] Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
    Mr. Burns: Oh, now get outta here before I reconsider.
    Homer: Oh. [gets up and leaves] Better hurry up.

### Treehouse of Horror

    Marge: I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars.
    Homer: Don't be so stubborn! We're not talking about a few dollars, [he's suddenly lifted up] we're talking about a few thousand dollars! [realizes this and freaks out screaming as he hits the ceiling backwards] It's got great high ceilings! [screams before crashes to the floor] Uh, tell you what. [gets up] Let's sleep on it, okay?
    Marge: Mmmm...Okay. Whatever happens...
    Homer: What could happen?
    [Marge groans]
    Narrator: Quoth the raven-
    Bart: Eat my shorts!
    Lisa: Bart, stop it! He says "Nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say.
    Bart: Okay, okay.

### Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish

    [As Bart and Lisa quietly fish, journalist Dave Shutton approaches them]
    Dave Shutton: So, caught anything?
    Lisa: Not yet, sir.
    Dave Shutton: What are you using for bait?
    Lisa: My brother is using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
    Dave Shutton: I see. What's your name, son?
    Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
    Dave Shutton: [chuckling] I'm Dave Shutton, an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot. And I must say that in my day, we didn't speak that way to our elders!
    Bart: Well this is my day, and we do, sir.
    Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!
    Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

### Dancin' Homer

    [First lines]
    Barney: So, Homer, what happened in Capital City?
    Homer: Oh, Barney.
    Moe: C'mon, Homer. We're dyin' of curiosity.
    Homer: Look, there's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one of those guys that sits in a bar, telling the story of how he became a loser, and I never want that to happen to me.
    Bart: Hey, Dad, look! You're on Jumbo Vision!
    Homer: WOW! [stands, waving to crowds] Hey, everybody! [Bart does 2 fingers behind Homer's head] How ya doin'? [blocks Bart's face] Look at me! I'm Homer Simpson! [laughs]
    [Jumbo Vision lowers down to Homer's pants, audience laughs hysterically at Homer's unzipped zipper]
    Marge: Homer. Homer! XYZ.
    Homer: Examine my zipper? Why? [looks down] Whoops! [turns quickly, zips pants up, Lisa covers her eyes in embarrassment, Homer laughs, waving arm at screen] Thanks, everybody!
    [Crowd applauds]

### Dead Putting Society

    Bart: You heard the lady, Homer. So please mow quietly. Genius at work. [closes his bedroom window] One o'clock. Still just a potato.
    Homer: All right, knock it off!
    Ned: Knock what off, Simpson?
    Homer: You've been rubbing it in my nose since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt... [Ned gasps] is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!
    Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand.
    Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet! [walks out but gets back to pick up a club sandwich that Maude prepared] One for the road! [eats on the way out]
    Ned: I just wanted to give you this letter. I'll leave now.
    Homer: [opens the letter Ned handed him and starts reading it] "Dear neighbor..." [starts snickering]
    [cut to the next morning. Homer, Bart, Lisa, and Marge are seated around the breakfast table in the kitchen, and Homer is reading Ned's letter out loud]
    Homer: "You are my brother." [laughs, Bart and Lisa snicker] "I love you." [Homer, Bart, and Lisa all laugh out loud, while Marge frowns disapprovingly] "And yet, I feel a great sadness..." [snickers] "...in my bosom." [Homer, Bart, and Lisa laugh even harder] "Bosom..." Wait, wait, there's more! [continues laughing]
    Marge: [stands up] I think that's terrible! A man opens his heart, and you make fun of him! [exits the room and quietly snickers to herself, then walks back in just as Homer continues reading the letter]
    Homer: "Neighbors forever," Oh no! [Homer and Bart laugh] "Ned Flanders." [Homer, Bart, and Lisa laugh]
    Bart: [slapping the table] What a sap!
    Lisa: [wiping away a tear] Read the bosom part again, dad! [Homer, Bart, and Lisa laugh]
    Marge: Now, just a minute!
    Bart: "Bosom." [Homer, Bart, and Lisa laugh]
    Bart: Dad, I've never won anything in my life.
    Homer: Son, this is the only time I will ever say this. [angrily] It is not okay to lose.
    Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound, but here goes... [puts a hand on his shoulder] I believe in you.
    Bart: [puts his hand over hers] Thanks, man.
    Homer: Come on Bart. Remember what Vince Lombardi said! If you lose, and you're out of the family.
    Marge: Homer! [hits Homer in the head]
    Homer: Ow!

### Bart vs. Thanksgiving

    [Homer tries to watch a football game when he sees Bart smothering Lisa with a sofa cushion.]
    Homer: [angrily turns red] Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!
    Bart: Hey, man! She took my glue!
    Lisa: It's not yours, Bart! [throws pillow and Bart off herself] This is family glue!
    Homer: Stop it, you two! This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take your glue away and then nobody will have any glue to glue with!
    Lisa: Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality. He only wants the glue because I'm using it.
    Bart: Oh, yeah? Prove it.
    Lisa: [hands Bart glue] Here.
    Bart: Hey, man, I don't want your stupid glue. [throws bottle of glue away next to Maggie's bottle, both bottles look alike]
    [Maggie is about to suck the glue bottle, Lisa quickly walks away with glue]
    [After Bart burns her centerpiece, Lisa runs upstairs to her room, crying. Homer sets Bart down and becomes very stern and serious]
    Homer: Alright, Bart! That's it! Go to your room now! because you are grounded FOR 3 YEARS!!!
    Bart: Okay. I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go, and send up the pumpkin pie in about 20 minutes.
    Homer: [rage angry] I said NOW!
    Bart: Mom, do I have to?
    Marge: [angrily confronts Bart] Yes, you do! I hope you're happy, Bart! YOU'VE RUINED THANKSGIVING!
    [After comforting Lisa, Marge goes to Bart's room]
    Marge: [sternly] Bart, you can to come down to dinner as soon as you're ready to apologize to your sister, and it's going to be a real apology in front of everybody, and you have to mean it.
    Bart: Apologize?! For what?! Clearing the table?! Having a sense of humor?! They think they can starve an apology out of me? Ha! [furiously climbs out of the window, angrily jumps down from a tree and lividly lands on some daisies] Uh-oh. I mean... good! [violently jumps up and down on the daisies in anger]
    Lisa: Bart, why did you burn my centerpiece?
    Bart: Oh, come on.
    Lisa: Is it because you hate me or is it because you're bad?
    Bart: I don't know! I don't know why I did it; I don't know why I enjoyed it; and I don't know why I'll do it again!
    Lisa: Just tell me you're sorry!
    Bart: Why should I?!
    Lisa: Bart, the only reason to apologize is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot, something you wish wasn't there, because you feel bad you hurt your sister's feelings.
    Bart: Leave me alone.
    Lisa: Just look!
    Bart: Ok, ok. Mmmhhuummmhmmmm. Lookin' for the spot. Nananana, still checking. This is so stupid, I'm not gonna find anything. Just 'cause I wrecked something she worked really hard on and I made her cr....uh-oh. [puts hand on Lisa's shoulder] I'm sorry, Lisa.
    Lisa: Apology accepted. [kisses him]
    [Camera pans down at Homer who's in the bathroom listening]
    Homer: You know, Marge, we're great parents. [cut to the kitchen. Simpson family is in pajamas sitting down to a late-night dinner of leftovers. Clock reads 11:35] Dear Lord, we thank You for giving this family one last crack at togetherness.
    Simpson Family: [in unison] Amen.
    [Simpsons eat leftovers]

### Bart the Daredevil

    [Bart and Milhouse are at the Simpson house watching TV]
    Milhouse: Hey, that's my seat.
    Bart: Correction: was your seat.
    [Cut to Moe's Tavern]
    Barney: But I only got up to go to the can!
    Homer: Hey, I don't see your name engraved on this bar stool.
    Otto: [about Springfield Gorge] Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would ever find it.
    Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.
    Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.
    Bart: What?
    Otto: COOOOOOOOOL!!!
    Homer: [rides across the gorge with Bart's skateboard] I'm gonna make it! I'm gonna make it! This is the greatest thrill of my life! I'm king of the world! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo, I- [he almost reaches the end of the gorge, screams as he falls down, onto several jagged rocks, until hits the bottom of the gorge, Bart's skateboard hits him in his head]

### Itchy & Scratchy & Marge

    Marge: [sees Itchy and Scratchy on TV and Maggie is imitating Itchy's moves using a pencil] So television is responsible. [turns off the TV]
    Lisa: Hey, we were watching that!
    Bart: Mom, what are you doing?!
    Marge: Well, you won't be watching these cartoons anymore. Ever!
    Lisa: But Mom! If you take away our cartoons, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots.
    Bart: Really? What kind of robots?
    Krusty: Hi, kids! Laughs] Guess what, Sideshow Mel? [Mel slides his whistle] It's time for Itchy and Scratchy!
    Parents in the Audience: Booooooo!
    Krusty: Hey, hey! Settle down boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend, Corporal Punishment again.
    Kent Brockman: Dr. Marvin Monroe in Vienna, would you care to comment in all of this?
    Dr. Marvin Monroe: Uh...well, Kent...to me, the hijinks of a few cartoon characters absolutely pale in comparison with the crippling emotional problems a psychiatrist runs into every day. I'm-I'm referring it to women who love too much, fear of winning, sexaholism, stuff like that.
    Kent: So you have no professional objection to Itchy & Scratchy?
    Dr. Marvin Monroe: No, not at all. In fact...one of my guilty little pleasures is to snuggle up with a big bucket of butter popcorn, dim the lights, turn on Itchy & Scratchy and...laugh myself silly. And the hell is wrong with that?

### Bart Gets Hit by a Car

    [While spying on Homer and Marge in the next room, Burns almost feels like he's having a panic attack when he hears Homer abrasively refusing his settlement]
    Homer: I'll tell you what I think. I think he thinks that I'm an idiot! The only reason he's offering us this is because he knows he's going to lose the trial and will have to pay us the cool million! $500,000, I spit at his $500,000! [attempts to spit at the offered check, but misses and hits a chair. He tries to clean off the chair]
    Marge: [losing her patience with Homer's behavior] Homer, what's happened to you?! All this greediness, lying, the shifty lawyers and the phony doctors!
    Mr. Burns: [realizes Homer's been using a quack] Phony doctors, hello!
    Marge: Do you know what I'd settle for if it were up to me? Bart's medical bills and an apology!
    Mr. Burns: [reappearing on the scene with Smithers, and gets the check to tear it up] And you won't even get that from me either! Sorry, offer's expired! I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide, twelve good men and true. Good day. Smithers, release the hounds!
    [The hounds chased Homer and Marge out of the mansion]
    [At the trial the next day, everyone is shocked when Mr. Burns' lawyer calls Marge to the witness stand]
    Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
    Marge: Mmm...Yes, I do.
    Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.
    Homer: [cringes] D'oh, the truth.
    Blue-Haired Lawyer: [walks up to her] Mrs. Simpson, does the name Julius Hibbert mean anything to you?
    Marge: Yes, he's been our family physician and trusted friend ever since the day I became a mother. He's seen us through everything from colds to impetigo all with competence, love and care.
    Blue-Haired Lawyer: But, wait a minute, I'm confused. We just heard expert testimony from one Dr. Nick Riviera. What is your opinion on him? [Marge becomes nervous and hesitant] Mrs. Simpson!
    Marge: [trying to plead the fifth] I'm sorry, but my mother always said if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
    Homer: Will that hold up in court?
    Hutz: [glumly admitting] No, I tried that before.

### One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish

    Dr. Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
    Homer: No way, because I'm not dying!
    Dr. Hibbert: Second is anger.
    Homer: [furiously] Why you little...! [shouts madly]
    Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.
    Homer: [worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?!
    Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.
    Homer: Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.
    Dr. Hibbert: Finally acceptance.
    Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
    Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.
    [Bart calls Moe's Tavern]
    Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
    Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butz.
    Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody! I want a Seymour Butz! [the entire bar erupts in laughter at Moe] Wait a minute...Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! If I get my hands on you, I am gonna pull out your eye balls with a cork screw!
    [Bart and Lisa laugh]

### The Way We Was

    Mrs. Bouvier: If you pinch your cheeks, they'll glow. A little more, try to break some capillaries, dear.
    Young Marge: Couldn't we use just rouge for this?
    Mrs. Bouvier: Ladies pinch. Whores use rouge.
    Young Marge: Why so glum?
    Young Homer: [sigh] I got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you, and kiss you, and then I'll never be able to let you go.
    [Back to the present]
    Homer: And I never have.

### Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment

    Marge: So kids what did you learn about today?
    Bart: Hell.
    Homer: BART!
    Bart: What? That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't say we learned about hell unless I can say hell, now can I?
    Homer: Kid's got a point, Marge.
    Bart: Hell yes!
    Marge: Bart.
    Bart: [sings] Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.
    Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.
    [Bart worsens his initial trouble about Top Hat Entertainment]
    Bart: I wish I was an adult so I could break the rules.
    [Everyone leaves Homer's house after the fight ends.]
    Apu: Quite a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?
    Mr. Burns: Balderdash! Why, I once watched "Gentleman" Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds! Of course, back then, if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!

### Principal Charming

    Skinner: [see's 40-foot Bart's name on the field] SIMPSON!!!!!! [Bart gulps, cut to the principal's office] Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew, as you were writing your own name in 40-foot high letters in the field, that you would be caught.
    Bart: Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.
    Skinner: THERE ARE NO OTHER BARTS!!
    Bart: Uh-oh.
    [Bart prank calls Moe's from Principal Skinner's office.]
    Bart: Hello? Is Homer there?
    Moe: Homer who?
    Bart: Homer... [making sure Skinner's not looking and lowers voice] ...Sexual.
    Moe: Wait one sec. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual.
    [The entire bar, including Homer laughs at Moe]
    Homer: Don't look at me!
    Moe: Oh no. You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, [we see Skinner holding a phone] I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip ya face off!
    Skinner: [insulted] You'll do what, young man?!
    Moe: [taken aback] What, what, wait, who is this?
    Skinner: I think the real question is who is this, AND WHERE IS HOMER SIMPSON?!?
    Moe: [realizes his mistake] Whoa whoa, sorry, Principal Skinner, sorry, it's a bad connection, I think. [to Homer] It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again.
    Homer: Doh!

### Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

    Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son.
    Homer: What is it, Dad?
    Grampa: Pee-yoo! Not that close! Sheesh. Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die someday.
    Homer: Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.
    [The family says farewell to Herb as his Powell Motors complex is turned into a Komatsu Motors factory]
    Bart: Bye, Unkie Herb.
    Lisa: Goodbye, Unkie Herb.
    Marge: Goodbye, Herb.
    Homer: Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been better off if I'd never come into your life.
    Herb Powell: Maybe I would have been better off? Maybe?! Why, you spongehead! Of course I'd have been better off! [boards bus that just arrived] As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother! [bus closes doors and leaves]
    Marge: [consoles Homer] Hmm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.
    Lisa: His life was an unbridled success, until he found out...he was a Simpson.

### Bart's Dog Gets an F

    Homer: [answers phone] Yello?
    Ms. Winfield: Simpson, this is Sylvia Winfield. That canine of yours is in my pool again! I'm calling the dog warden right now!
    Homer: Oh, are you?! Well, you go ahead and call your precious dog warden, you old battle-axe! Because my dog is tied up in the backyard!
    Ms. Winfield: There's only one family on this block — no, on Earth — inconsiderable enough to let a monster like that roam free!
    Homer: D'oh! [grunts] Are you losing your hearing or are you just stupid? I am going to explain this to you one more time, and then I'm going to hang up on you. It is NOT my dog!!! I TIED MY DOG OUTSIDE MYSELF!!! [looks at backyard] I AM LOOKING AT HIM RIGHT- D'OH!!!
    [Next scene, Santa's Little Helper shakes off the water while soaking Homer in the process, annoying him further. Ned comes up to him.]
    Ned: Well, hi-diddly-do, Simpson.
    Bart: No way, she's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.
    Lisa: [sarcastically while being sick] If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
    Bart: Fine, then...Wait a minute...If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...
    Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.

### Old Money

    Bart: I think Grampa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.
    Lisa: No, I think he smells more like a photo lab.
    Homer: Stop it, you two! Grampa smells like a normal old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.
    Grandpa: What are you doing tonight?
    Bea: Sitting alone in my room.
    Grandpa: Oh well, you've got plans already.
    Bea: No, what were you going to say?
    Grandpa: Oh nothing.
    Bea: Oh Abe, you were going to say something.
    Grandpa: Well, I was wondering if you and I, you know, might go to the same place at the same time and...Jeez! You'd think this would get easier with time!
    Bea: [takes his hand] I'd love to.

### Brush with Greatness

    Homer: [after he gets stuck in the waterslide] What? Come on, you stupid tube!
    Mr. Burns: [offscreen] SMITHERS! I WANT MY TEA!
    Marge: [to Smithers] Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?
    Smithers: [chuckles] Actually, I value every second we're together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss, he's my best friend too.
    [Burns enters; Smithers gives him the tea]
    Burns: [sipping] Bah! Too hot! [throws it on Smithers]
    Smithers: Right, sir. It's...scalding me as we speak.
    [Somewhere in Liverpool]
    Ringo Starr: Dear Sally, in response to your letter of December the 12th, 1966, me favorite color is blue, and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot, you're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.
    Weatherby: Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets.
    Ringo: Just set it over there.
    Weatherby: Sir, if you'll forgive an old Brit his impertinence, your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable.
    Ringo: Well, Weatherby, they took the time to write me, and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years. I'm going to answer every one of them. [picks up a large envelope] Hello, what's this? From Springfield, U.S.A. [sees painting of him] Gear!
    Ringo: [voiceover via letter] Dear Marge, thank you for the painting. You are a fabulous artist. I put the painting over my mantle. In response to your letter, we do have hamburgers in England, only we call French fries "chips". Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.

### Lisa's Substitute

    Bart: And here's comes Snowball II. This is the one we kept.
    All: EWWW!!
    Bart: We were gonna keep the grey one, but the mother ate her.
    All: EWWWW!!!
    Martin: Mrs. Krabappel, he's traumatizing the children!
    Krabappel: As usual, I agree with you, Martin. Bart, shut that off and take your seat immediately!
    Bart: Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make 'em go back in!
    All: AAAHHHHHH!!!!
    Martin: [excitedly] As your president, I would demand a science fiction library, featuring an ABC of the overlords of the genre: Asimov, Bester, Clarke –
    Wendell: What about Ray Bradbury?
    Martin: [dismissively] – I'm aware of his work. (excitedly) Thank you, and keep watching the skies!
    Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat. How can I put this? Does your father help you with it?
    Lisa: No. Homework's not my father's specialty.
    Mr. Bergstrom: Well there's no shame in it, I mean, my dad-
    Lisa: Not mine.
    Mr. Bergstrom: You didn't let me finish-
    Lisa: Unless the next word was "burped", you didn't have to.
    Mr. Bergstrom: Mr. Simpson, I'm going to be presumptuous. I have noticed that Lisa seems to feel she has no strong male role model.
    Homer: She said that?
    Mr. Bergstrom: Well... no, she didn't say it, but, you know, she--
    Homer: But you can tell, right? She looks around and sees everybody else's dad with a good education, youthful looks, and a clean credit record, and thinks, "Why me?! What did I do to deserve this fat old piece of...?!" [cries]
    Mr. Bergstrom: Mr. Simpson, you have got to be a bigger man. There is a wonderful girl's future at stake.
    Homer: [perking up again] Well, if she's so wonderful, give her an A!
    Mr. Bergstrom: I am giving her an A.
    Homer: Great, but don't tell her it was a favor to me. Tell her she earned it.
    Mr. Bergstrom: Mr. Simpson, she did earn it.
    Homer: You are smooth, I'll give you that.
    [Homer goes into Lisa's room, where she is crying, to comfort her]
    Homer: Lisa, don't hold anything back. You can tell me. Are you crying because you called daddy a baboon?
    Lisa: [angrily] No!
    Homer: Nuts. [accidentally sits on her dollhouse] D'oh! This isn't going well at all...
    Lisa: Look, if you just want me to forgive you--
    Homer: No, no, no, I just wish I knew what to say. [opens her music box, activating it] Although maybe this music will help. Now, you lost someone special and it hurt. I'm lucky because I never lost anyone special to me. Everyone special to me is under this roof.
    [Lisa groans]
    Homer: [patting her head] It's true. Now, you'll have lots of special people in your life, Lisa. There's probably some place where they all get together, and the food is real good, and guys like me are serving drinks. [sighs] Ah well, maybe I can't explain all this, but I can fix your dollhouse for you. At least I'm good at... monkey work. [smiling] You know - "monkey"? You know what I mean? [nudges her playfully]
    Lisa: [cheering up a bit] Yeah...
    Homer: I can hold these nails in place with my tail. [chuckles and makes monkey noises]
    Lisa: [starting to laugh with him] You're so silly.
    Homer: Gimme a banana!
    Lisa: I don't have any bananas!
    Homer: Come on, you're holding out on me!
    [He lifts her up and makes more monkey noises as they both keep laughing]
    Lisa: I'm sorry I called you a baboon, dad.
    Homer: Think nothing of it.

### The War of the Simpsons

    [Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party]
    Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
    Marge: Thank you, Doctor.
    Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said "if".
    [Homer is explaining to Bart in his room about his drunken behavior]
    Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
    Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
    Homer: I admit it. I didn't know when to say "when." I'm sorry it happened and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
    Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.

### Three Men and a Comic Book

    Comic Book Guy: Tell you what. I'm gonna show you something very special if you promise to put your grubby little hands behind your back and keep 'em there. [opens a metal suitcase] Behold!
    Bart: Wow! Radioactive Man #1!
    Comic Book Guy: None other!
    Bart: It must be worth a million bucks...
    Comic Book Guy: It is, my lad. But I'll let you have it for $100, because you remind me of me.
    Bart: [grumbles] Moon pies my butt, somebody oughtta moon pie her.
    Homer: What's the problem, boy?
    Bart: I've been bustin my hump all week for that withered old clam and all I got was 50 cents.
    Homer: Hey, when I was your age 50 cents was a lot of money.
    Bart: Really?
    Homer: Nah.
    Bart: Dad, I've done everything I could and I've only got 35 bucks! Ughh! I am through with working, working is for chumps.
    Homer: [sits up, pats Bart's head] Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.

### Blood Feud

    Mayor Quimby: Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do!
    [Sign lights up]
    Sign: RELAX. EVERYTHING IS FINE.
    Crowd: Ooh!
    [Strong applause]
    Sign: MINOR LEAK. ROLL UP WINDOWS.
    Crowd: Oh.
    [Moderate applause]
    Sign: MELTDOWN. FLEE CITY.
    [Weak applause]
    Sign: CORE EXPLOSION. REPENT SINS.
    [Entire crowd stares in stunned silence, save for Homer, Carl and Lenny, who snicker at that sign]
    Homer: Joke's on them. If the core exploded, there wouldn't even be any power to light that sign!
    Bart: [about Homer's insulting letter to Mr Burns] The last place I saw it...
    Homer: Uh-huh...
    Bart: Was in my hand...
    Homer: Yeah...
    Bart': As I was shoving it into the mailbox.
    Homer: [shouting] D'OOOOOOOOH!!! [upset] Why did you do that?!
    Bart: Dad, there were things in the letter that had to be said. And I know you, you're an emotional guy. Just because you were mad last night, there's no guarantee you'd be mad in the morning, so I figured--
    Homer: [turns red with anger] I'LL SHOW YOU "MAD IN THE MORNING"! [starts strangling Bart]
    Marge: Homer, you encouraged him! You should be strangling yourself!
    Homer: [sobbing as he tries] She's right! Don't panic. They don't pick up the mail till noon. There's still time! [yanks Bart away]
    [Homer and Bart are at the post office to try and intercept Homer's letter to Mr. Burns.]
    Homer: [speaking in a deeper voice but otherwise having made no attempt to disguise himself] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
    Post office clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns. What's your first name?
    Homer: [pause] I... don't know.
    [cut to Homer and Bart, sitting on the staircase outside the post office.]
    Homer: [sarcastically] Great plan, Bart.
    [After the Simpsons receive a large idol head of Xtapolapocetl, the Olmec god of war, as a reward from Burns. Simpsons creator Matt Groening comments that this dialogue sums up the whole show.]
    Marge: The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.
    Bart: Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool!
    Marge: Well then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
    Homer: Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything!
    Marge: Well... then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
    Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
    Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.
    Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
    Homer: Amen to that! :[The family laughs]