# Married... with Children (season 9)

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Married... with Children (1987–1997) was an American sitcom, airing on the FOX network, about a dysfunctional family living in Chicago.

### Driving Mr. Boondy [9.2]

    Al: Well we had a good time. Well you had a good time while mine blew chunks. I'd like to remind you, son, while you're figuring out my score, that if I don't get my driver's license, that means I can't drive. If I can't drive, I can't go to work. If I can't go to work, that means I'll have to stay home. And I'll be home all the time. Day and night. When you bring your dates over, I will be in my underwear. You know the underwear, don't you, son.
    Bud: Not the ones that read "If you lived here, you'd be home now."
    Al: And I'll be clipping my toenails and eating Cheez-Whiz from the can. Now let me ask you, son, HOW'D I DO?!!!
    Bud:[intimidated at the prospects of Al embarassing him at home] You passed.
    Al: A driving test huh. So go ahead gimme you best shot. Show me the moron who dare not pass me.
    Bud: Boondy. Al Boondy.
    [Bud reveals himself with a smug look on his face and Al is upset about it.]
    Al: All right you son of a woman from Wanker. You wanna drive, Lets Drive.
    Al:[answers the phone] Hello Peg.
    Peg: How'd you know it was me, Al?
    Al: I actually heard God laugh.

### Kelly Breaks Out [9.3]

    Al: Now here's all the money I've got. I want you to go out to a pharmacy and get some real medicine.
    Kelly: Outside? But Daddy, what if someone sees my pimple?
    Al: Pumpkin, it's dark. No one is going to see the pimple.
    Kelly: I guess you're right. I guess I'm just being silly, huh?
    [Kelly opens the front door]
    Man on street: Woah, look at the zits on the blonde chick!
    Kelly: Thank God he didn't see the pimple, huh?
    Al: Pretty women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us drink beer.

### Sleepless In Chicago [9.8]

    Al: The things that happen when you forget to pack your cyanide pill.

### No Pot to Pease in [9.9]

    Al: Well, let's see: I have an unemployed actress for a daughter... a son who'd have sex with a fire hydrant...and...
    Peg: Oh, happy day. My TV Guide cover collector plates are here.
    Al: That! Gee, I wonder where the next bolt of lightning will strike.
    TV Producer: Listen, I've been making TV since, well, since my wife was born. And do you know what I have learned? Nothing! You people learn more by watching it than we learn by making it!

### A Man For No Seasons [9.11]

    [Two time MVP Frank Thomas spins newspapers, after reading about the Working Man's pitching their own baseball league that proves successful.]
    Frank Thomas: Can I have a break now?
    Manager: No.
    Frank Thomas:[grabs a bat.] Can I have a break now?!
    Manager: (scared) Ab... Absolutely.
    [Bud and Kelly come home from working in the shoe store.]
    Bud: A fat woman came into the shoe store today.
    Kelly: And Bud still looked up her dress.

### I Want My Psycho Dad (1) [9.12]

    Al: Ah, you two are the best kids any dad could accidentally have.
(Marcy comes over when news hit that Psycho Dad has been canceled due to complaints over content)
    Marcy (to the tune of the Psycho Dad theme): Who's the guy whose show is done?
    Who's TV hero's on the run?
    Who'll be watching VH-1?
    Loser Al, Loser Al, it's Loser Al!
    Al: I'm taking this fight to the place that stands for liberty, that stands for freedom of expression.
    Jefferson: The Nudie Bar?
    Al: No, but maybe first.

### Kelly Takes A Shot [9.15]

    Kelly: If God wanted people to shoot a bow, He wouldn't have invented assault weapons.

### Get The Dodge Outta Hell [9.16]

    Kelly: Daddy might have been able to look me in the eye and break when the police brought me home at 2:00 in the morning, but I am not 11 any more.
    Al: Peg, what is it with you? You can change six D batteries in the dark, but you can't find a two-ton automobile.
    Peg: Let's not start talking about who can't find what in the dark.

### 25 Years And What Do Ya Get [9.17]

    Jefferson: It took forever for them to leave.
    Al: Yeah; but much like a roid, they come back with a vengeance.
    Bud: Dad, we got a problem.
    Kelly: We were out walking Buck when we ran into Mrs. Stewart.
    Bud: She was wearing her yellow slicker and I guess Buck must've thought she was a fire hydrant.

### Ship Happens (1) [9.18]

    Marcy: What are you guys laughing at?
    Jefferson: Nothing. We're just happy to be here with the women we love.
    Al: And you guys.
    Al: Thank you, Peg, for booking me on the Titanic.

### Ship Happens (2) [9.19]

    Al: Did I thank you for inviting me on this cruise, Peg?
    Peg: Well, as a matter of fact you haven't.
    Al: Well, then, maybe a simple stake through the heart would suffice.
    Al: Gee, I can't believe how small it is.
    Peg: Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that.

### And B-I-N-G-O Was Her Name-O [9.21]

    Marcy: The women are wearing my favorite scent: Dust.
    Marcy: Oh, Peggy, what are you going to do with $10,000?
    Peg: Well, I think I'll give it to the needy. Of course, I needy it all.
(As Peg and Marcy are waiting for Al to pick them up)
    Marcy: Well, at least we're in a church.
    Janitor: Ladies, I gotta lock up. Get out.
    Marcy: I thought this was a sanctuary.
    Janitor: Yeah, 'til 11:00. After that, it's just another crime scene.

### User Friendly [9.22]

    Bud: You're talking to a guy who's had it more times then there are stars in the sky.
    Dr. Kessler: There are more than four stars in the sky, Mr. Bundy.
    Kelly: Do you really think that science can replace this! [Takes off coat to reveal a tight mini-dress]
    Dr. Kessler: But I've got a patient, [Kelly pouts] Who is now on autopilot.
    (Al comes home excited, but Peg and Kelly are not.)
    Al: Hi Peg. How was Oprah?
    Peg: Oprah wasn't on today.
    Al: Oprah won't be on tomorrow either, Peg. Why?! Cause I had the cable company take her off, see.
    (Al shows her a new TV Guide channel.)
    Peg: The Guy Package.
    Al: With Femblock! See, it's a new service they offer men and a few female tennis players who are tired of watching girly crap. See, Peg, it's my week off and I want to spend it watching quality programing.
    Peg: Oh, you mean watching monster movies, jiggly shows and the Three Stooges.
    Al: Soitenly!

### Pump Fiction [9.23]

    Beth: Thanks for signing my inner thigh, Mr. Bundy
    Al: Now, now, Beth. We promised not to speak of such things in front of Les Misérables.
    (Al and Kelly's movie is showing and the title says "Sheos" instead of "Shoes")
    Bud: Sheos?
    Kelly: No. Shoes, remember? E before O except after E-I-E-I-O.

### Radio Free Trumaine [9.24]

    Peg: Now, Al, don't go to sleep. You know our deal: you get beef, I get beef.
    Mark: Now, remember, we're gonna be giving away free limo service to this Friday's formal to the student with the most pathetic reason for wanting it. [phone rings] You're on the air.
    Bud: Uh, hi. This is Bud Bundy and I'm trying to—
    Mark: Bud Bundy, we have our winner.

### Shoeless Al [9.25]

    Woman: I'll have your jobs for this.
    Al: Fine, if we can trade for what's in your fridge.
    Jefferson: Stay cool. Our lives are in your feet.
    Peg: That's why life stinks.

### The Undergraduate [9.26]

    Peg (trying to start the vacuum cleaner): Al, I think this thing is broken.
    Al: Peg, unlike many of your other devices, this one doesn't need batteries.
    Kelly: It's just a junior prom. I can do this with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back.
    Bud: That's sort of like one of your real dates, right?