# Drowning Mona

Drowning Mona is a 2000 black comedy film in which the most-hated woman in town drives her car into the river to her death and everyone becomes a suspect.
    Directed by Nick Gomez. Written by Peter Steinfeld.

## Rona Mace

* Good luck doesn't happen to people like us. Good luck happens to Madonna.
* I could wind up floating on the bottom of the Hudson.
* Some shame bout that Mona Dearly. I mean, so young.

## Phil Dearly

* Don't kiss the dogs ass!
* I was a battered husband.
* [singing] I'm a Wheel Watcher! I'm a Wheel Watcher!

## Mona Dearly

* [to Bobby and Jeff, regarding the name BJ Landscaping] BJ? [laughs] Well, I think "JB" has a nicer ring to it. Besides, you don't want anyone goin' around calling ya "Blow Job Landscaping" - Do ya?

## Jeff Dearly

* I want half. And don't give me none of that "fifty-percent" shit.
* Look, I heard you the first time, Bobby. I ain't mute.

## Other

* Lt. Feege Gruber: They found him this morning...dead in the water, so to speak.

## Dialogue

    Chief Wyatt Rash: My mother always used to say, "When life hands you potatoes, make potato salad."
    Mona Dearly: Yeah? Well life handed me a whole pile of shit. What am I supposed to do with that?!
    Phil Dearly: Make shit salad?
    Deputy Tony Carlucci: [to Phil Dearly, after informing him of his wife's death] So, uh...you want to tell Jeff about his mom, or do you think we should do it, or...
    Phil Dearly: Yeah! Uh...
    Deputy Jimmy D: I mean, we'd be more than happy to do it, Phil, you know, it's just that, coming from you it may cushion the blow.
    Deputy Tony Carlucci: Being that, you know, he's your son and all.
    Phil Dearly: Well, in that case, it might be best if one of you did it.
    Bobby Kalzone: Mona Dearly's dead.
    Ellen Rash: What?
    Bobby Kalzone: She's dead- It was just a- car accident.
    Ellen Rash: You gotta be kiddin' me. Well- We gotta celebrate!
    Bobby Kalzone: Jesus, God, Ellie she's a human being. Have a little respect.
    Ellen Rash: I don't gotta have respect for no one in that family. Think how they treated you.
    Bobby Kalzone: How did they treat me?
    Ellen Rash: Badly, they're a houseful of freaks.
    Jeff Dearly: Where's my car?
    Deputy Jimmy D.: Well Jeff, it's a little bit more serious than your car.
    [Pause]
    Jeff Dearly: Would someone mind tellin me what the hell's goin on?
    Deputy Tony Carlucci: Your mother drove her car into the lake Jeff, I'm afraid she's dead.
    Jeff Dearly: What was she doing in my car?
    Bobby Kalzone: Dude, she's like 13.
    Jeff Dearly: Finally!
    Bobby Kalzone: It's been different since Jeff killed Peaches.
    Chief Wyatt Rash: Jeff killed Peaches? I thought it was the other way around.
    Bobby Kalzone: Peaches killed Jeff?
    Chief Wyatt Rash: No, I heard you killed Peaches.
    Bobby Kalzone: [after Ellen slaps him after explaining what he did] What you do that for?
    Ellen Rash: [outraged] You killed Mona Dearly!
    Bobby Kalzone: [chastened] I know.
    Ellen Rash: BUT WHY?!
    Bobby Kalzone: Because I thought I was killing Jeff!
    Ellen Rash: Bobby, my dad is the chief of police!
    Bobby Kalzone: I know, but I wasn't gonna go through with it.
    Ellen Rash: It doesn't matter; you killed someone!
    Bobby Kalzone: I know, but I was doing it for us. Jeff was killing the business, and Mona wasn't gonna let me out of the partnership, so - Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
    Ellen Rash: A good idea at the time? 'Cut the grass at 6:00, lay sod at 7:00, DROWN THE DEARLYS AT 8:00'!
    Ellen Rash: Yeah, but you're not even supposed to get that far, you're supposed to have that thing in your head that goes off and says, 'bad FUCKING idea, Bobby!'
    Bobby Kalzone: I have that thing! I have that thing. It just didn't go off.
    Ellen Rash: [pause] Yeah, well, I'm pregnant.
    Bobby Kalzone: What? You're pregnant? That's great!
    Ellen Rash: Uh huh! I thought so too, till a moment ago. I can't believe you killed someone!
    [she walks off]
    Bobby Kalzone: Where ya goin?
    Ellen Rash: Home!
    Bobby Kalzone: [quietly] We need milk.
    Chief Wyatt Rash: Tell me something Cubby, you notice anything odd lately?
    Cubby: You mean other than the fact that no one seems to care about this woman's death?
    Chief Wyatt Rash: Along those lines.
    Cubby: Hell Wyatt, I've seen people more upset over losing change in a candy machine.
    Mona Dearly: Why'd you pull us over Feege?
    Lt. Feege Gruber: Oh let me think about that Mona, you're riding on rims and you pulled an 1107 on an officer of the law. [to Jeff] What the hell is the matter with you son?
    Mona Dearly: What did you hurt him for?
    Lt. Feege Gruber: He's drunk!
    Mona Dearly: No he ain't! [to Jeff] It's OK baby. [to Feege] You're gonna pay for this Feege! You just lost your lawn service, pal!
    Jeff Dearly: [while threatening to kill himself] I know you all think I killed my parents.
    Chief Wyatt Rash: We don't think you killed anybody!
    Jeff Dearly: Yeah? Well, you're full of shit! Everyone know I've been wanting to get back at her ever since that night...
    [a flashback shows Mona cleaving a sausage]
    Jeff Dearly: Hey, Ma, there's no more beer. Give me some of yours.
    Mona Dearly: Don't touch that beer, Jeff.
    Jeff Dearly: [reaches out] Oh, give it to me.
    Mona Dearly: I SAID...
    [cleaves his hand clean off]
    Jeff Dearly: [screams in pain] FUCK!
    [back to present, everyone is shocked and disgusted]
    Jeff Dearly: Was I so wrong?
    Lt. Feege Gruber: You bet your ass.
    Jeff Dearly: Yeah, but, I didn't kill her. Look, don't get me wrong: I'm glad she's dead and all, but I sure as hell didn't do it.
    Chief Wyatt Rash: Jeff, I know you didn't kill her.
    Jeff Dearly: I didn't kill my dad neither.
    Chief Wyatt Rash: Then why don't you give me the gun.
    Jeff Dearly: [puts the gun to head] BECAUSE MY LIFE SUCKS, MAN!

## Taglines

* 1 murder. 460 prime suspects. Not so much of a 'who done it' as a 'who didn't'.
* The death of Mona Dearly wasn't so much a whodunnit, as a who didn't.
* Who wanted to see Mona Dearly dead? Take a number.

## Cast

* Danny DeVito - Chief Wyatt Rash
* Bette Midler - Mona Dearly
* Neve Campbell - Ellen Rash
* Jamie Lee Curtis - Rona Mace
* Casey Affleck - Bobby Calzone
* William Fichtner - Phil Dearly
* Marcus Thomas - Jeff Dearly
* Peter Dobson - Lt. Feege Gruber
* Kathleen Wilhoite - Lucinda
* Tracey Walter - Clarence
* Will Ferrell - Cubby the Funeral Director
* Paul Ben-Victor - Deputy Tony Carlucci
* Paul Schulze - Deputy Jimmy D.

## External links

* Drowning Mona quotes at the Internet Movie Database
* Drowning Mona at Rotten Tomatoes