# Daria (season 4)

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Daria is an American animated sitcom created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn for MTV. The series focuses on Daria Morgendorffer, a smart, acerbic, and somewhat misanthropic teenage girl who observes the world around her.

## Partner's Complaint [4.01]

    Jodie: Come on, Daria. If you don't like any of those other projects, all we're left with is taking out a small-business loan, renting an apartment, or budgeting a funeral.
    [Quinn enters living room holding cordless phone]
    Quinn: Um, that's sweet of you, Russell, but we just went out two weeks ago, so I really can't go out with you again for another three weeks. Well, I consider a hospital visit a date. Sorry. Anyway, good luck with the new kidney and all. Bye. [exits living room]
    Daria: Is that by any chance a sibling's funeral?
    Jodie: Why don't we try the loan? I do want to start my own business after college.
    [Jake enters living room holding cellular phone]
    Jake: Come on, Mel, give me another shot. We'll have them lining up to buy methane-powered hot tubs. Hey, how about this catchphrase: "So it smells? So what!" [pause] Come on, Mel, they're going to repossess my parking space! [exits living room]
    Daria: Yes, let's start a business. Nothing like being your own boss.
    Jodie: What should we call our company?
    Daria: "Brink of Bankruptcy, Incorporated"?
    [Helen enters living room holding cellular phone]
    Helen: No, no, absolutely not! It's unethical, it's immoral, it may well be illegal. I'll have no part of it. Okay, I'll do it. [exits living room]
    Jodie: It's a little busy in here. You want to take a break and get some pizza?
    Daria: Can I put it on my Millennium Project Enterprises expense report?
    [Jodie sighs and rolls her eyes]
    Daria: Yeah? [Helen enters] No, I don't want to talk about it.
    Helen: Talk about what?
    Daria: Whatever it is you came in to have a heart to heart about.
    Helen: I came in to ask you to rinse off your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. Your father found a cheese fry melted onto his "World's Greatest Dad" cup and he thought it was some kind of rodent. Now he's sworn off coffee.
    Daria: Then I should be hearing from the Nobel committee any day now.
    Helen: All right, then, I'll leave you to your reading. [starts to leave]
    Daria: Don't I seem inordinately unhappy to you?
    Helen: I don't want to pry. [sees look on Daria's face] Well... I did overhear your argument with Jodie.
    Daria: Do you think I'm a rigid, unrealistic, unforgiving self-righteous jerk who can't hold on to a friend?
    Helen: She didn't say anything like that.
    Daria: But, do you?
    Helen: Daria, you have strong beliefs and you want to live by them. That's not a fault or a character flaw. It's admirable; it's what makes you who you are.
    Daria: Jodie didn't think so.
    Helen: Jodie is a little more pragmatic than you are. She didn't appreciate being criticized for it.
    Daria: I don't blame her.
    Helen: And since she's pragmatic, she also knows that the fact that someone's having a bad day doesn't make them a bad person.
    Daria: What about someone with a pattern of alienating people with her self-righteous pronouncements?
    Helen: People aren't as easily alienated as you think, Daria. Ask Jane. She'll tell you.

## Antisocial Climbers [4.02]

    Helen: Alright, Daria, name your price.
    Daria: Excuse me? My refusal to attend this field trip is based on moral and ethical objections so intrinsic...
    Helen: $30.
    Daria: $50.
    Helen: Done.
    Daria: Of course, this $50 merely buys my participation in the field trip. For an additional $20, I could be convinced not to tell Quinn about this arrangement.
    Helen: I gave you life, Daria; I can take it away. [leaves]
    Daria: [resigned voice] $50 should do it.
    Jake: King Tut was buried without his diver. What the hell does that mean?!
    Daria: That's liver, Dad.
    Jake: Eww...
    Jane: I think this could really be it!
    Daria: What are you talking about? Just keep walking. We'll find our way.
    Jane: I don't know, Daria. This is bad.
    Daria: Listen, I'm sorry I gave you all that crap about your boyfriend.
    Jane: Well, I'm sorry I embarrassed you all those times in front of my brother. [pause]
    Daria: I feel like we should say more.
    Jane: I know. That was kind of pathetic.
    Daria: Um... I'm sorry my parents didn't stop at one child.
    Jane: I'm sorry they added those ugly blue M&M's. [pause] Better?
    Daria: I've made my peace.

## A Tree Grows in Lawndale [4.03]

    Brittany: Then he said his armpits would know only the embrace of his crutches!
    Jodie: What does that mean?
    Brittany: I don't know, but it sounds bad! Like Kevvy's armpits have feelings, but not for me, now what do I do with lips so empty, so yearning?
    Jodie: Lips? So we're off the armpit thing?
    Daria: You know, if you break up Brittany's attempted thought, it looks like a Mystic Spiral song.
    Jane: [Reading from Daria's paper] "Armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips empty?" Eh. Are you sure you don't want to replace lips with skull?
    Daria: It's a work in progress.
    Brittany: [Pointing to the crutch she planted following Daria's advice] Look, the new Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree.
    Jane: Lovely.
    Brittany: I wonder why it isn't blossoming.
    Daria: Did you take the little rubber thing off the bottom?
    Brittany: Oh!
    Jane: Oh,hmm, Daria? Maybe we should go inside before lightning strikes you dead and bits of you mess up my nice shoes.

## Murder, She Snored [4.04]

    [Mr. DeMartino is returning graded papers to students]
    Mr. DeMartino: I never thought I would say this, but the grades on these tests were miraculously above my low expectations.
    Jane: I like a teacher with no ambitions for his students.
    Daria: [looks at her test; the score is 100] Yeah, high standards only give us something to strive for.
    Brittany: [has a score of 66] Yes! I passed and I got the extra point!
    [Mack has a score of 81; he rests his chin on his hand while the other football players loudly congratulate each other]
    Kevin: All right!
    Brittany: Kevvy? What's that "A" doing on your paper?
    Mr. DeMartino: Why, Brittany, that's the most intelligent question you've asked all year.
    Brittany: Thanks!
    Mr. DeMartino: Kevin?
    Kevin: I have an "A" because...I got a hundred?
    Mr. DeMartino: That's right, Kevin. In fact, almost the entire football team, despite repeated cranial trauma and a chronic inability to solve the maze on the back of a cereal box, got a hundred!
    Brittany: Go, team, go!
    Mr. DeMartino: Only Mr. Mackenzie got a "B"!
    Brittany: [less enthusiastically] Go, Mac, go...
    [Kevin and the other football players cheer on except for Mack]
    Mr. DeMartino: Forgive me my suspicions, but it's obvious that someone--Kevin--got a hold of the test beforehand--Kevin--which would account for the jimmied lock on my filing cabinet--Kevin!
    Daria: But who does he really suspect?
    Jane: That Jimmy guy?
    Mr. DeMartino: Perhaps you would like to share with us your knowledge in this matter?
    Kevin: But I don't know anything.
    Daria: Can't accuse him of lying there.
    Mr. DeMartino: I think you do know something about the incident, Kevin. I think that if you didn't steal the test yourself, then you know who did, and is it not true that you needed an "A" to get off academic probation?
    Kevin: Nah, the coach said he'd fix my... I mean, hey, I studied!
    Mr. DeMartino: [takes Kevin's test] Kevin, who were the principle players in the Teapot Dome scandal?
    Kevin: The New Orleans Saints?
    Mr. DeMartino: Teapot Dome, Kevin, not Superdome!
    Kevin: Teapot... the New England Patriots!
    Daria: How many teams are there in the NFL? I want to know if this is going to run into lunch.
    Mr. DeMartino: [leans over Kevin] Where were you Monday afternoon?!
    Kevin: Um, hanging out with the team?
    [football players agree with Kevin as the class bell rings]
    Mr. DeMartino: Before you run off to your next class for your naps, know that unless the guilty party comes forth, everyone will receive an "F" on the test! Do I make myself clear?
    [Daria and Jane open Daria's locker]
    Daria: I can't help but think that there's something in here that Upchuck's Angels overlooked.
    Jane: Wow, that's a stretch. Probably just some incriminating piece of evidence that Ms. Li will jump all over as proof of your guilt. [Daria removes a pink pistol from her locker and Ms. Li, Jake, and Helen appear in police uniforms, standing behind her] Right on schedule.
    Ms. Li: Ms. Morgendorffer, you're under arrest for the murder of Kevin Thompson. Book her: murder one.

## The F Word [4.05]

    Daria: I just picked what I'm gonna fail at -- getting Quinn grounded so she can't go to that thing.
    Jane: Excellent.
    Daria: This way, if I blow the assignment and Quinn is grounded, I still win.
    Jane: Okay. Now you gotta help me to pick something to fail at; something really impresive that doesn't required any effort of any kind.
    Daria: How about performing brain surgery on Kevin?
    Jane: I said no effort. Finding that brain could take weeks.
    Daria: Then...how about being conventional: looking and acting like anybody else. It would take you no time to fail at that.
    Jane: What are you saying? That I'm some kind of freak of nature?
    Daria: Define of nature.
    Daria: Next, we have reason number 17; Endangering a minor. The Teen Fashion Extravaganza reinforces the false notion that all you need to survive is a credit card and a pair of ankle boots. This misapprehension could prove fatal should Quinn ever find herself stranded in the wild.
    Jane: Although, not if she's stranded in the Wild Pair.
    Daria: You know I'm gonna fail at this. They'll say Quinn has to learn by making her own mistakes...outside the house. Freeing up the phone for my mother's cavalcade of obsessive business calls.
    Jane: Why, oh why can't she just have a substance abuse problem like a normal mom?
    Daria: I'm gonna head home. I wanna see if they delivered my hydrocephalic skull replica.
    Jane: Wait. It's time for the moment of truth. [she steps out of her closet with her hair up in a bun and wearing a light-blue mini-skirt, a red sleeveless top with a bare midriff, and a pair of clunky sandals] So, like do I look conventional, or whatever?
    Daria: [gets scared] Ahhh!

## I Loathe a Parade [4.06]

    Quinn: Daria, have you seen my new "Teenage Superstars" magazine?
    Daria: I couldn't help myself. I plastered my walls with its hot sexy pinups.
    Quinn: [pause] I'll ask mom.
    Helen: Daria, have you seen your father?
    Daria: Did you look under the "Teenage Superstars" magazine?
    Helen: [pause] I'll ask Quinn.
    [Jake's voice from the bathroom]
    Jake: Is anybody out there? I am the only on left in the house?
    Daria: If I help you with the first question, would you try to do the second one on your own?
    Jake: Daria! Thank God! Your mother is at a work thing, your sister is at a school thing...I thought I'd be stuck in here forever!
    Daria: Ok, listen closely: There's a knob on the door. Turn it counterclockwise.
    Jake: We're out of toilet paper, kiddo. Can you believe it?
    Daria: Oh, well I'll grab some from downstairs.
    Jake: There isn't any downstairs. That's why I came up here.
    Daria: I see. Walking away now with too much information.
    Jake: Kiddo, could you hurry over to Drugs N' Stuff and pick up a few rolls?
    Daria: I get stuck on the hurry part.
    Jake: Damn it. How in hell would Helen handle this? How in hell would Helen... hey, I bet that's one of those backwards-and-forward things! No, I guess not.
    Daria: I can hear you, you know. And she'd offer me a bribe.
    Jake: Yeah! If you can make it back in 15 minutes, I'll give you five bucks.
    Daria: A decent bribe.
    Jake: Twenty!
    Daria: You're on. See you in a few minutes. [leaves]
    Jake: Hurry, kiddo! This Teenage Superstars magazine is only 64 pages!

## Of Human Bonding [4.07]

    Helen: You know, honey, you could really turn this change of plans into something very positive.
    Jake: You're not getting out of the golf clubs, Helen.
    Helen: I mean, this trip is a chance to really get to know your daughter as a person. Her hopes, her dreams, her fears.
    Jake: Ah, Helen, do I have to?
    Helen: Jake!
    Jake: But I'm scared.
    Jake: Honey, Terry Perry Barlow wants to talk to you. Can you believe it?
    Daria: There's so much about this day I can't believe.
    Terry: Say, Darlene, would alligator wrestling get you into a restaurant?
    Jake: Of course it would!
    Daria: That depends. Is there a restaurant next door with cock fights?
    Terry: [laughs] Darlene, you're sharp. You remind me of me.
    Jake: Yeah! Uh, me too.
    Terry: You two like ballooning?
    Jake: Ballooning? Like up in the air?
    Terry: These conferences are dull as dirt. Let's sneak off tomorrow morning for a spin in my balloon. We can be back in time for the keynote address.
    Jake: Way up in the air? Sounds great... [nervous laugh] Yeah, that'll be fun. Right, Daria?
    Daria: More fun than a barrel of alligators.
    Terry: Daria? [shrugs] Okay. Meet me out front at 5:00 A.M. [Terry exits]
    Daria: I thought you were afraid of heights.
    Jake: Oh, uh, that was a long time ago.
    [Jake's flashback]
    Drill Instructor: Well, Morgendorffer, the other cadets are going to turn in. They're all tuckered out from laughing at your cowardice. Guess I'll have to leave you here for the night. By the way, your father called and I told him all about it. He says don't bother coming home for Easter. [drill instructor exits]
    Teenage Jake: Help me?

## Psycho Therapy [4.08]

    Daria: Mom's resentful that she has to work so hard, which obscures her guilt about actually wanting to work so hard. Dad's guilty about being less driven than mom, but thinks it's wrong to feel that way, so he hides behind a smokescreen of cluelessness. Quinn wears superficiality like a suit of armor, because she's afraid of looking inside and finding absolutely nothing. And I'm so defendant that I actively work to make people dislike me so I won't feel bad when they do. Can I go now?
    Dr. Bacon: All right, Morgendorffers. I've analyzed the data from your individual sessions and I realized what we need to do.
    Quinn: Finally, facials.
    Dr. Bacon: Actually, I think we need to wear each others faces for a while.
    Quinn: Eww! Like that movie with that guy and that other guy?
    Daria: Can I do the surgery?
    Dr. Bacon: No, no, no. I'm talking about a little role-playing.
    Daria: I'll play the role of the crazed surgeon. Scalpel?
    Dr. Bacon: I mean, why don't you try being each other.
    Daria: Aww.
    Dr. Bacon: [to Daria] Do you have a problem with that, Helen?
    Quinn: I think she was still being Daria.
    Dr. Bacon: Why don't you be Daria?
    Quinn: Oh, God, just throw me in front of a train, why don't you.
    Dr. Bacon: Oh come on, it can't be that bad. Give it a try.
    Quinn: I just did.
    Dr. Bacon: Oh.
    Daria: I am not suicidal.
    Dr. Bacon: All right, Daria. Now can you be Quinn?
    Daria: Okay, now I'm suicidal.

## Mart of Darkness [4.09]

    Daria: Tom ate your Gummi Bears even though he knew you needed them for your statue? That *was* pretty inconsiderate.
    Jane: Well, now that I think about it I may not have actually told him they were for my statue, but he should have known!
    Daria: Definitely. Especially since they were probably right there next to your paints. Unless he eats paint too.
    Jane: Um... the Gummi Bears were in a bowl on the kitchen counter. But they were in plain view of my statue! [pause] I don't have a leg to stand on, do I?
    Daria: I'd rather not answer that, stumpy.
    Jane: Aw, hell.
    Daria: Look, Tom's reasonable enough. Maybe if you just talked it out.
    Jane: Hmm. Sounds sort of drastic.
    Daria: Then, how about this? Serve him some frozen lasagna and tell him you're sorry you haven't been around much lately, but as soon as you get some time off, you're gonna do something fun together and really catch up on each other's lives.
    Jane: You know, Helen ought to right a book. [sees sales girl] Quick! Before she disappears again! [runs to catch sales girl]
    Payday Announcer: [offscreen] Payday is currently experiencing a temporary power outage. Sales of butane, propane, methane, gasoline and other combustibles will be temporarily suspended until the sprinklers and ventilation system are working again, and we can get the damn doors open. Thank you for shopping the Payday way.
    [Black interior of Payday]
    Brittany: [offscreen] Oh, no! Kevie, someone stole our cart! [pause] Kevie?
    Sandi: [offscreen] Will whoever has their hand on my butt please remove it, this instant.
    Jane: [offscreen] Daria?
    Daria: [offscreen] Yeah?
    Jane: [offscreen] Gummy bear?
    [Daria sighs in frustration]

## Legends of the Mall [4.10]

    Daria: If that woman were Judy Garland, this would make sense on a couple of levels.
    Jake: Come on! Darn! Move! You're a car! That's what you do, that's all you do! Now do it!
    Daria: Ah, the eternal struggle between man and machine.
    Jane And this time, its personal.
    [Phone rings]
    Daria: Hello?
    Jake: You're nothing but a... A DAMN RADIO WITH DOORS!
    Daria: No, Dad and his inner child are playing in the driveway.
    Quinn: But he's supposed to pick us up at the mall.
    Daria: He's discussing that with the car right now. But the car seems to be saying you're taking the bus.
    Quinn: The what?
    Daria: The bus. It's like a bigger car, only with old men sleeping sitting up. At least I hope they're sleeping.
    Sandi: Excuse me, but this isn't my street.
    Bus Driver: No problem. Just click your heels and say there is no place like home. Only do it outside. This is the end of the line.
    [Bus drives off, leaving the Fashion Club standing on a decrepit sidewalk in a rundown neighborhood]
    Quinn: This place is weird.
    Tiffany: What was that noise?
    Sandi: Stacy, you're not wearing those bangles again, are you?
    Stacy: Oh, no! It's the Rattling Girl of Lawndale!
    Sandi: Stacy, everyone knows that story was just made up by unpopular people to try to scare popular people into becoming unpopular.

## Groped by an Angel [4.11]

    Quinn: You shouldn't make fun, Daria. There are some mysteries that are just beyond our knowledge.
    Daria: Like the fact that the human ego is bloated enough to believe the force that created the universe gives a crap about our blowouts.
    Quinn: You wouldn't say that if your life were touched by an angel!
    Daria: No, I'd be too busy suing for sexual harassment.
    Quinn: Daria! Don't even joke like that. Angels are everywhere; they can hear you.
    Daria: Then I'm going to my room so we can talk about you behind your back. [exits]
    Quinn: Some people just won't listen to logic.
    [Just as Quinn leaves, the light fixture falls from the ceiling onto the chair; Quinn looks on in shock]
    Jake: Dammit, my fixture!
    Helen: Oh, Quinn! That just missed you!
    Jake: I mean, yeah! Are you all right, sweetie?
    Quinn: Oh my gosh! If I hadn't gotten up at just that second, that would've hit my head.
    Daria: Or, something vital.
    Quinn: Someone, or something, told me to get out of that chair. Don't you see? This is proof that I have a guardian angel.

## Fire! [4.12]

    Jake: [goes in the kitchen] Of course it's decaf! Damn sadistic waiter. I should have stiffed him when I had the chance! [grabs milk and heads to the counter; he turns on the stove and makes himself a glass of warm milk; he then proceeds to knock over the milk carton] Damn milk! [grabs paper towel and stretchs over the stove] Grr... [the milk causes him to slip, hitting his chin on the counter with a grunt] Damn it! Where does Helen hide the mop? [he heads to the utility closet, not noticing that the paper towel has caught fire] [sniffing] Funny, I could swear I smell smoke. [screams when he sees the stove on fire] Fire! Fire!
    Helen: [on phone, sleepily] No, Eric, it's only 1:00 a.m. Of course you didn't wake me.
    Jake: [offscreen] Fire! Fire!
    Helen: Oh, my God, Eric, the house is on fire! I'll have to call you back! [very slight pause] No, I don't know when! [very slight pause] No, you can't hold!
    Jake: Daria! What are you doing in bed when the house is on fire?!
    Daria: [puts glasses on] Um, trying to find out if these blankets are flame-retardant?
    Jake: Well, do it later! Come on! Out of the house! [grabs Daria and runs out of the room]
    [Quinn is rummaging frantically through her dresser while talking on the phone]
    Quinn: Sandi, this is terrible! I don't even have time to pack, and I can't run out of the house looking like this!
    Helen: Quinn! Come on! [grabs phone]
    Quinn: But... [gets pushed out of the room]
    Helen: Sandi? She'll have to call you back. [very slight pause] No, I don't know when!
    [cut to outside, the Morgendorffers and their neighbors watch the fire department]
    Helen: Jake, leaving paper towels by an open flame? What's wrong with you?!
    Daria: Mom's right. Kerosene would have been much more effective.
    Helen: What were you thinking?!
    Jake: Well, I remember thinking, Damn it, damn waiter with his damn phony decaf. Then I was thinking, I need some damn milk...
    Helen: Oh, never mind.
    [cut to the kitchen where the family and an insurance adjustor inspects the damage]
    Adjustor: Luckily it's mostly just smoke damage, but we'll still have to repaint upstairs and down. I'd say we're looking at two weeks.
    Helen: Two weeks?
    Adjustor: Meanwhile, your policy allows you to stay in a hotel on a per diem. The Dutchman Inn would be in budget.
    Quinn: The Dutchman Inn? That place with the giant clog?!
    Quinn: Eww! You're not really gonna eat all that fat, are you?
    Daria: No, I'm going to stick it in my boots 'cause I love the squishy, squishy feeling 'round my toes.
    Quinn: Eww! Daria, you're making me nauseous!

## Dye! Dye! My Darling [4.13]

    Jane: So that wasn't so difficult, was it?
    Daria: Which part -- the hair coloring or the accusation of betrayal?
    Jane: Oh, Daria, look, forget it. I imagined the whole thing.
    Daria: That's right.
    Jane: Okay! Now, on to more important stuff. [removes the shower cap, revealing jagged orange blotches instead of smooth blonde stripes] Am I striped yet?
    Daria: [wide-eyed] Um, no, not quite yet.
    Jane: Is anything happening up there?
    Daria: Uh... you know, I think I should probably get home.
    Jane: Aw, come on! Don't you want to stick around for the fun? [gets up and heads over to a mirror]
    Daria: Definitely not.
    Jane: Come on, Daria, you must want to see-- [looks herself at the mirror] aah! What did you do to me?
    Daria: I told you I was no good at this!
    Jane: Can't you paint a lousy stripe?
    Daria: I don't... I...
    Jane: You did this on purpose! To take Tom away from me!
    Daria: What?!
    Jane: Get out of here, Daria!
    Daria: Let me fix it!
    Jane: How?
    Daria: I don't know!
    Jane: [angrily] JUST... GET... OUT!
    [Daria sadly leaves Jane's house]
    Jane: Hey!
    Daria: Oh. Hi.
    Jane: What's up? What's going on? How you doing?
    Daria: Great.
    Jane: No walkee to school today? What happened? [Daria doesn't response] Hey, what's up? Talk to me.
    Daria: I kissed your boyfriend.
    [silence]
    Jane: What?
    Daria: I kissed your boyfriend. I kissed Tom. I didn't mean to. [Jane runs leaving Daria alone in a knot of students] I'm sorry! I'm sorry.