# A Very Potter Musical

A Very Potter Musical is an American musical with music and lyrics by Darren Criss and A.J. Holmes. The book was written by Matt Lang, Nick Lang and Brian Holden. The story is a parody based on several of the Harry Potter novels, particularly Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowling, as well as their film counterparts.

## Voldemort

* Voldemort out, bitches!
* I believe everything has its place, Muggles have their place, Mudbloods have their place and so do your clothes! Namely a dresser!
* When I had a body, I had mad game with the bitches!
* Aw, now two people are mad at me!
* Just relax with the 'Dark Lord,' ok? I watch you wipe your butt daily, you can call me Voldemort, we're there! We've reached that point.
* But! There need not be war between us. You've all fought so valiantly, and I'm willing to offer you positions in my new world order - as my slaves.
* You think we'd have realized that with both of us drinking into one belly, we'd get twice as drunk.
* Yes, I know Quirrell, I HEAR EVERYTHING YOU HEAR!
* Don't make me laugh, I'm pissing
* You'd think killing people would make them like you, but it doesn't, it just..... it just makes them dead!
* ...And don't suggest a giant slide or a trampoline... we've already tried those.
* The Mudblood deserve to die!!
* Okay is wonderful.
* It tastes like... Cool Mint.
* Oh! YOU LITTLE SHIT! YOU GOT ME!

## Draco Malfoy

* Did someone say Draco Malfoy?!
* You know, they don’t even have dances at Pigfarts. All of the noise would disturb Rumbleroar’s slumbering cubs.
* Now you're just being cute. I can't go to Pigfarts! It's on Mars, you need a rocketship! Do you have a rocketship, Potter? I bet you do. You know, not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died. Look at this! Rocketship Potter! Starkid Potter! Moonshoes Potter, traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts!
* If we're good, Rumbleroar lets you ride around on his back. He's a lion. Who can TALK.
* You know who I think is the ugliest girl in school? That Hermione Granger! You know what I would give her on a scale of 1 to 10? 1 would be the ugliest and 10 pretty... I would give her an 8... 8.5... or a 9... not over a 9.8 'cos there is always room for improvement. Not everyone is perfect, like me. That's why I'm holding out for a 10. Because I'm worth it!
* [About the Zefron horcrux] Put some tape on this, it's fine.
* Pigfarts, Pigfarts, here I come. Pigfarts, Pigfarts, yum yum yum!
* I'm tired. Can't we just be Death Eaters?
* I want....Hermione Granger! (quickly) And a rocketship.
* Wait. Don't tell me... Red hair, hand-me-down clothes and a stupid complexion. You must be a Weasley.
* [interrupting Professor Quirrell] Go home, terrorist!
* All I need is a life and a way to be famous.... (grabs broken broom) I WILL BE THE FIRST TO FLY A BROKEN BROOM.... wait I WILL BE THE YOUNGEST DEATH EATER.... oh wait I am the youngest death eater
* She is THE HOTTEST GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN!
* Hogwarts has really gone to the dogs. But luckily next year, I'll be transferred to Pigfarts!

## Harry Potter

* Yeah Hermione, I'm the boy who lived, not died. God!
* Oh my god, I have to fight a goat? I don't think I can do that morally... (Later) Oh my god I have to fight a dragon! I can't do that I'm just a little kid!
* I don't know Cedric, someone punched me in the face and my sense of direction got a little goofed up!
* You're this guy, that's just-- around, all the time, when I don't need a guy around. You're this spare guy, all the time, this spare dude. You're SUCH a SPARE! (Voldemort: kill the spare!)
* Beautiful!? What are you, nuts!? More like supermegafoxyawesomehot! She's the hottest girl I've ever met! She's far more attractive, far more appealing, far more interesting, than any girl. That I know. In my immediate group of friends.
* It was left to me by my dad, my dad that's dead. My father is dead. I have a dead father.
* Harry Potter loves Zac Efron more than anyone else on the planet.
* I don't know man... Cedric Diggory, he's pretty awesome... NOT! He sucks. I'm totally gonna win. It's in the bag.
* I wanna take you up to Winnipeg... THAT'S IN CANADA!
* But in Spiderman 3 everything sucks and falls to shit! I don't want my life to be like Spiderman 3, god, I hated that movie.
* I love you all. ...Except you Draco, I can't fucking stand you.
* A cauldron? what are you guys gonna do eat me? that's gross!!

## Albus Dumbledore

* If anyone were hiding under an invisibility cloak in here, surely they'd have the good sense to SHUT UP POTTER.
* I just have been putting anyone who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor and anyone﻿ who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin and for the other two they can go where the hell they want to, I don't really care.
* Welcome, all of you to Hogwarts / I Welcome all of you to school / Did you know that here at Hogwarts / We've got a hidden swimming pool?
* What the hell is a Hufflepuff?
* My name is Albus Dumbledore. You may call me... Dumbledore. I suppose you can also call me Albus, if you want a detention! Nah, I'm just kidding, I'll expel you if you call me Albus!
* A funny thing actually happened to the Sorting Hat. He actually got hitched to another piece of enchanted magical clothing. So he and the Scarf of Sexual Preference won't be back `til next year!
* Hermione Granger! When one of yous has a problem, that means all three of yous has got a problem. What would Zac Efron say in a time like this!?! [singing] We're all in this together...
* Draco, will you sit down, you little shit?!
* Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting. 20 more points. God... for the cleverest witch of your age you really can be a dumbass sometimes. Ten points to Dumbledore!
* Malfoy, YOU LITTLE SHIT!

## Ron Weasley

* That's Lavender Brown! RACIST SISTER!
* There's another horcrux. I hope it isn't an Ashely Tisdale poster. I couldn't do that.
* RAAAAGGGHHH!! LET'S GO KILL VOLDEMORT!
* It's just every time I look at her I get these pains in my chest I know it's her fault, that bitch!
* I am just going to curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days.
* Accio double stuff!
* OH MY GOD. Hermione, shut up.
* Maybe you'll just have to fight like Mushu from Mulan or something...
* That is a BOSS Zefron poster.
* Ugh, this competition is gonna suck...all these dragons are wimps...Accio Doublestuf....OHMIGOD MONSTER! Is that yours? Ohmigod, it's awesome, let me hold it.
* I'm like Shia LaBeouf...the Prince Douche.
* Thanks, Hermione!

## Severus Snape

* That's absurd. If ever a person were to touch themselves,... [looks directly at Ron]
* No... Potter... I'll show you what you need to do... Watch very carefully... [dies]
* Bomb-appetite... I mean Bon-Appetite.
* *Ginny walks up* AHH A GINGER! [runs]
* I'll be in the drawing room painting a picture of the stupid looks on your faces.
* [Enters the room] Harry Potter! DETENTION!
* What the devil is going on heeeeeere?
* 10 points from Gryffindor. *gryffindors complain* For Miss Granger's excessive baby fat.
* A person can however be a horcrux. (Harry) what's a- what's a horcrux? (Snape) I'm not even going to tell you Harry, you'll find out soon enough!

## Others

* Goyle: I can't believe the counter curse was 'Unjellify!
* Cedric: Find!
* Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders
* Well, I find that to be very rude
* Well, I don't find this surprising, at all
* Neville: [reading Dumbledore's will] The house cup goes to Gryffindor, Hogwarts goes to Harry Potter, my chocolate factory goes to Charlie, and Toontown goes to the toons!
* Ginny: Oh my Rowling!
* Molly: AVADA KEDAVRA! ... Die, bitch!
* Cornelius Fudge: [Voldemort enters] I STILL don't believe you're back! [Voldemort kills him] A heart attack, surely!
* Rumbleroar: Let us be on our way. To Pigfarts! RUMMMMMMBLEROAAAAAAAR!!
* Hermione: Actually I have heard those things, Harry, about a thousand times, but never have they been told to me with so much sass. Drop the attitude, Harry Potter. You are acting like Garfield on a Monday."
* Goyle: Oh Goyle rules!

## Conversations

    Ginny: Konnichiwa, Cho Chang, it is good to meet you. I am Ginny Weasley.
    Lavender: Bitch, I ain't Cho Chang.
    Ron: That's Lavender Brown! Racist sister! [he 'strikes' Ginny]
    Draco: Wait, don’t tell me. Red hair, hand me down clothes and a stupid complexion. You must be a Weasley.
    Ron: Oh, my God, lay off, Malfoy! She may be a pain in the ass, but she’s my pain in the ass.
    Draco: Well, isn’t this cute? It’s like a little loser family. Hogwarts has really gone to the dogs. Luckily next year, I’ll be transferred to Pigfarts!
    Dumbledore: Basically, I’ve just been putting anybody who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anybody who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin, and the other two can just go wherever the hell they want, I don’t really care.
    Cedric: Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders!
    Dumbledore: What the HELL is a Hufflepuff?
    [Cedric sits down, still smiling.]
    Harry: Come on, Ron, he’s really not that bad...
    Snape: Harry Potter! Detention.
    Harry: What?
    Snape: For talking out of turn. Now, before we begin, I’m going to give you all your very, very first pop quiz. Can anyone tell me what a portkey is? Oh, yes, Miss Granger.
    Hermione: A portkey is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones who touch it to any on the globe decided upon by the enchanter.
    Snape: Very good. Now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? Yes, Miss Granger.
    Hermione: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned early in the story to return later in a more significant way.
    Snape: Perfect.
    Ron: What’s a portkey again, I missed that one.
    Hermione: A portkey is something...
    Ron: Not you, no.
    Hermione: ...that when you touch it, it will transport you anywhere.
    Snape: And remember a portkey can be any sort of simply harmless object like a football, or a dolphin.
    Lavender: Professor? Can, like, a person be a portkey?
    Snape: No, that’s absurd. Because then if a person were to touch themselves... (He looks dramatically at Ron.) ...they would constantly be transported into different places. A person can, however, be a horcrux.
    Harry: What’s, uh, what’s a horcrux?
    Snape: I’m not even going to tell you, Harry, you’ll find out soon enough.
    Hermione: Professor, what is the point of this quiz?
    Snape: Oh, no, no, no point in particular. Just important information that everyone should know. (points dramatically at the audience) Especially you.
    Quirrell: The house cup... a time honoured tradition. For centuries...
    Draco: Go home, terrorist!
    Quirrell: [reading] "For centuries the four houses have competed for the honor and glory of holding the title of House champion. But where does this competition come from? And what are the roots of the tradition?"
    Hermione: [raises hand] The house cup tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students-
    Quirrell: That was a rhetorical question.
    Dumbledore: Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! 20 more points.
    Ron: Thanks, Hermione!
    Dumbledore: God, for the cleverest witch of your age, you really can be a dumbass sometimes. 10 points to Dumbledore.
    Voldemort: Achoo!
    Dumbledore: Did your turban just sneeze?
    Quirrell: Wha... what? No.
    Dumbledore: I could’ve sworn I heard a sneeze coming from your direction, but your mouth wasn’t moving.
    Quirrell: No. No, that was simply a fart.
    Snape: Next, from the Slytherin house... Draco Malfoy.
    Draco: Ha! Oh! I finally beat you, didn’t I, Potter? What do you think of that, huh? I’m the champion this time!
    Dumbledore: Draco, would you sit down, you little shit? Champion’s just a title.
    Hermione: You’re not invincible, Harry, someone died in this tournament.
    Harry: Uh, I’m the boy that lived, not died.
    Draco: Well, isn’t this touching?
    Ron: Oh, my God, just butt out, Malfoy!
    Draco: Goyle and I have a bet, you know. He says you won’t last five minutes in this tournament. I disagree. I say you won’t last five minutes at Pigfarts!
    Harry: What? Alright, Malfoy, what... what is Pigfarts?
    Draco: Oh! Never heard of it? Ha! Figures. Famous Potter doesn’t even know about Pigfarts.
    Harry: Malfoy, don’t act like you don’t want to talk about it. That's like, the ninth time you’ve mentioned Pigfarts. What is Pigfarts?
    Draco: Pigfarts in only the greatest wizardring school in the galaxy. It’s where I'm being transferred next year.
    Hermione: Malfoy, I’ve never heard of that.
    Draco: That's because Pigfarts... is on Mars.
    Harry: Malfoy, you know, we’re trying to have a conversation here. Just leave us alone.
    Draco: Oh, I’m not even here.
    Harry: So anyway, maybe we can find out the first task from Dumbledore...
    Draco: Dumbledore? Pfft! What an old coot. He’s nothing like Rumbleroar!
    Goyle: Rumbleroar!
    Harry: What I was saying...
    Draco: Rumbleroar’s the headmaster at Pigfarts. He's a lion... who can talk.
    Harry: Malfoy, if you don’t mind, we’re trying to have a conversation, it’s not like... you’re not even eating. Get out of here.
    Draco: Well, I can't help it if we can hear everything you say. We’re the only ones in here.
    Harry: Just get out of here, please.
    Draco: Where are we supposed to go?
    Harry: Oh, I don’t know, uh, Pigfarts.
    Draco: Ha ha ha! Ha ha. Now you’re just being cute. I can't go to Pigfarts. It’s on Mars. You need a rocketship. Do you have a rocketship, Potter? I bet you do. You know, not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died. Look at this! Look at this, little rocketship Potter. Oh, Starkid Potter! Moonshoes Potter. Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts.
    Voldemort: You roll over right now or I’ll... I’ll eat your pillow! You’ll be having a dream that you’re eating a giant marshmallow, but really you’ll wake up and your favourite goosefeather pillow will be missing!
    Voldemort: How long have those robes been on that chair?
    Quirrell: I think they’re from last night. I just put them there for now.
    Voldemort: Well, are you planning on putting them in a hamper? What’s your plan with these?
    Quirrell: I figured I’d just leave them there for now and maybe put them away in the morning, okay?
    Voldemort: Ah... No! No. No, that’s not okay. I can’t go to sleep knowing that there are dirty clothes on that chair. The chairs going to start to smell like dirty clothes.
    Quirrell: Look, I promise I’ll put them away in the morning.
    Voldemort: You put them away right now! I command you to get up and...fold them at least. Make it into a neat pile.
    Quirrell: Look, if we’re going to be in this situation for a while, we’re going to have to learn to live with each other. Now I’ve been single for all my life, and I have some habits. And sometimes I leave laundry around.
    Voldemort: Well, I believe that everything has its place. Muggles have their place. Mudbloods have their place. And so do your clothes! Namely, a dresser!
    Quirrell: [singing] When I rule the world, I'll plant flowers!
    Voldemort: [singing] When I rule the world, I'll have snakes!
    Draco: Did you hear something?
    Goyle: No. Only quiet. Maybe one... raindrop.
    Draco: No matter. Tell me, Goyle, who do you think is the ugliest girl in school?
    Goyle: Oh. Um, Buckbeak, for sure.
    Draco: Crabbe?
    Crabbe: Uh, Winky the House Elf.
    Draco: Good one. Obscure. You know who I think’s the ugliest girl in school? That Hermione Granger. You know what I’d give her, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1... 1 would be the ugliest, and 10 is pretty? I would give her... 8. 8.5. Or 9, but not over a 9.8. Because there is always room for improvement. Not everyone’s perfect, like me. That’s why I am holding out for a 10. Because I’m worth it.
    Harry: A goat? My God, I have to fight a goat? I don’t know if I can do that morally.
    Harry: Hey Malfoy, tell you what, I'll let you switch dragons with me. I'll give you the chance to switch dragons with me, I'll give you that opportunity.
    Draco: Ahh, let me think about it... no.
    Harry: I'll give you my gushers!
    Draco: Oh... no, no. I have a fruit by the foot.
    Harry: I'll throw in my teddy grahams with the gushers, you can make little teddy graham sandwiches.
    Draco: Alright... you throw in that pack of Bugles and you got yourself a deal.
    Harry: ...Absolutely not.
    Snape: The cauldron is ready, my Lord.
    Voldemort: Ah.
    Harry: Cauldron? What are you guys gonna do, eat me? That’s gross!
    Draco: Go powder your nose or something!
    Pansy: I just fixed my make-up a little while ago.
    Draco: Trust me, you need more powder.
    Ron: It’s Hermione. It’s just like... I can’t get her out of my head, and every time I look at her I have these pains in my chest and I just know it’s her fault, that bitch!
    Harry: Just like the Spiderman movie. Haven’t you seen that? MJ and Peter Parker can’t be together.
    Ginny: But the whole point of Spiderman 2 is that MJ and Peter Parker could be together.
    Harry: Yeah, I know, but the point is Spiderman 3 is everything sucks and it falls to shit! Ginny, what I’m trying to say is, I don’t want my life to be like Spiderman 3. I hated that movie.
    Harry: ...I was wondering if you had heard of something, uh, Voldemort is back, Cedric is dead, Professor Quirrel was crazy, and I have to save the world! Did you hear that, Hermione?!
    Hermione: Actually, I have heard those things, Harry, about a thousand times, but never have they been told to me with so much sass!
    Harry: Woah!
    Hermione: Drop the attitude Harry Potter, you're acting like Garfield on a Monday!
    Harry: [Gasps]
    Voldemort: I’m sorry, what were we talking about?
    Bellatrix: Did you hear anything of my evil plan?
    Voldemort: Well, um... the details are a little fuzzy, but uh... but you did have a very evil tone.
    Bellatrix: He’s all yours.
    Voldemort: Wait, uh, Bellatrix! Come back! No, it’s... come on, don’t be like that! Oh... now two people are mad at me!
    Voldemort: How do you propose you get my Death Eaters into your little day care centre, and don’t... and don’t suggest a giant slide or a trampoline because we’ve already tried those.
    Draco: ...aaand you have to be my slave for a whole day STARTING NOW!
    Voldemort: Oh you little shit! You little shit! You got me! Oh that is soo embarrassing, that's the second time that that's happened!
    Death Eater: We had the help of a man on the inside. Someone you trusted. Someone you may have even loved.
    Harry: Slughorn?
    Hermione: Lockhart?
    Dumbledore: Aberforth, my brother?
    Draco: [Walking in.] No. It was me.
    Dumbledore: Malfoy, you little shit!
    Draco: That’s right, Dumbledore. I betrayed everyone. And now I’m going to kill you.
    Dumbledore: Oh, no you’re not, Draco. If you were gonna kill me, you would’ve done so already.
    Draco: Nope. No, no. Not necessarily true! I just wanted to offer you one more game of Connect 4 before I offed you.
    Dumbledore: Draco, there are other options. You know, it is time you looked inside yourself and figured out what it is you really want.
    Draco: I want Hermione Granger! And a rocketship.
    Dumbledore: Then why don’t you just take the girl out for a Happy Meal, and go to space camp. Come on, murder leads to a life of despair and desperation. I know you’re gonna do the right thing, huh? That a boy.
    Snape: What the devil is going on here?
    Death Eater: Snape, we’ve got Dumbledore cornered.
    Snape: Well, what are we waiting for? Kill him! Do it, Draco.
    Draco: I don't think I can.
    Snape: Coward! Ten points from Gryffindor.
    Voldemort: Cornelius Fudge! The Minister of Magic.
    Fudge: I still don’t believe you’re back.
    Voldemort: Believe this, Fudge! Avada Kedavra!
    Fudge: Oh! Heart attack! Surely.
    Bellatrix: Are you feeling okay, my Lord?
    Voldemort: Of course I am, Quirrell.
    Bellatrix: Alright, that’s the dozenth time you’ve called me that!
    Voldemort: No, I, uh... I called you a squirrel. I called you a squirrel.
    Ron: If I had a horcrux, I would drop it in the bottom of the ocean. Or I would put it in a pyramid with King Tut and all of his jewels. Or I would blast it into space with a monkey who knew nothing about horcruxes.
    Hermione: Or it could be hidden somewhere around the mundane British countryside. Our search could entail months of depressing camping, breaking into Gringotts and drinking boatloads of Polyjuice Potion.
    Harry: Well, the medallion says that’s dumb, so we’re not gonna do that. Um, but it does say that it’s in one convenient place. Get this, Hogwarts.
    Ron: That's awesome, I love Hogwarts.
    Harry: What’s even better, it’s in Dumbledore’s office.
    Ron: Oh, bitchin’.
    Draco: Could you argue that this was my fault?
    Harry: Absolutely.
    Ron: Yes.
    Draco: Yeah... that would be a safe argument.
    Malfoy: Don't kill it; it's Zefron!
    Ron: I know, he's so charismatic!
    Ginny: What are you doing here?
    Molly: I came here with the Order of the Phoenix: Lupin, Tonks, Mad-Eye Moody, Sirius Black, and your brother Fred.
    Ron: Oh great! Where are they?
    Molly: They're all dead.
    Harry: How does Lost end?
    Dumbledore: There are some things, Harry, even I don't know.
    Harry: I love you all. Except you, Draco, I can’t fucking stand you.
    Ron: Okay, um... right, uh... you guys. You guys barricade the door. Go, with, uh, that bench. Go, go, do it. Do it right now. Um, Cho, you, you see if Neville’s dead. Um, you guys, go get snacks! Oh, shit, we barricaded the door. Um, me, I will... I will quit. [He throws away a cigarette.] um, well, there’s only one thing we need to do. We’re gonna fight.
    Draco: Oh, come on, I’m tired! Can’t we just be Death Eaters?
    Ron: No! No, we can’t just be Death Eaters. Okay? We are gonna fight! And we are gonna fight so hard... that we are gonna win.
    Harry: I was prepared to die to save these people.
    Voldemort: But you didn’t.
    Harry: Yes, but I meant to.
    Voldemort: Hey you.
    Quirrell: Voldemort? Is it really you?
    Voldemort: What’s left of me.
    Quirrell: But I just heard that you were...
    Voldemort: Destroyed? Yeah. But Quirrell, there’s part of me that still lives. And I can’t go on to the next plane without it. It’s a part of me that can’t be destroyed. Because it’s right... in.... here. [He runs over and points to Quirrell’s heart.]
    Quirrell: In my heart? So you came back?
    Voldemort: I came home.
    Quirrell: And you don’t want to kill Harry Potter anymore?
    Voldemort: No. Because I learned something when I had my body back, Quirrell. I learned that life is... really messy, complicated, and it doesn’t turn out the way you think it will. And that... you think killing people might make them like you, but it doesn’t. It just makes people dead. I got... I got killed by a 2 year old! It was really embarrassing! And everyone says ‘when are you gonna come back, Voldemort?’ and ‘when are you gonna take over the world?’ It’s on me! It’s all on me! And I’m standing there by myself, cos no-one wants to help, and I say to myself, maybe with Quirrell, things will be okay.
    Quirrell: Is okay good?
    Voldemort: Quirrell. Okay is wonderful!
Snape squirts Harry with a bottle Harry: what are you doing? Snape: I'm protecting you Potter. Welsh greenbacks can't stand the taste of Hunt's Tomato Ketchup. he holds up a ketchup bottle Harry: But I'm not fighting a Welsh greenback, I'm fighting a Hungarian Hortail! Snape: Ohhhhh! Well silly me! You see Hunt's Tomato Ketchup is the thing Hungarian Horntails love most of all! GOOD LUCK POTTER!!!!! He kicks Harry out.

## Cast

* Darren Criss - Harry Potter
* Joey Richter - Ron Weasley
* Bonnie Gruesen - Hermione Granger
* Lauren Lopez - Draco Malfoy, Hungarian Horntail
* Jaime Lyn Beatty - Ginny Weasley
* Joe Walker - Lord Voldemort
* Dylan Saunders - Albus Dumbledore
* Brian Rosenthal - Quirinus Quirrell
* Joe Moses - Severus Snape
* Britney Coleman - Bellatrix Lestrange
* Tyler Brunsman - Cedric Diggory, Cornelius Fudge
* Sango Tajima - Lavender Brown
* Lily Marks - Pansy Parkinson, Molly Weasley
* Devin Lytle - Cho Chang, Hungarian Horntail
* Julia Albain - Vincent Crabbe
* Jim Povolo - Gregory Goyle, Rumbleroar