# The Goodies (TV series)

The Goodies is a British television comedy series shown in the 1970s and early 1980s.

## Series 1
### Tower of London [1.01]

    Tim: Right, We are 'The Goodies'.
    Bill: Yes we know that!
    Tim: And we are... uh... going to do good to people.
    Bill: How wet!

### Snooze [1.02]

    [Graeme is brewing an antidote for his new, improved Snooze formula, which is an extremely powerful sedative. He is documenting his work on a Dictaphone.]
    Graeme: ...and that should produce the correct antidote. Yes. Now to test it. First, I take a big swig of new improved Snooze...
    [He drinks from a nearby cup of Snooze.]
    Graeme: ...and now for the anti... [passes out before he can reach the antidote]

### Radio Goodies [1.07]

    Tim: [Graeme has just finished designing a pirate post office] Gosh, that was quick work!
    Graeme: Well, just like our post office, the quickest, and most efficient in the country.
    Bill: You're being a bit optomistic, aren't you?
    Graeme: Well, it's a work of genius.
___________________________________________________________
(The Statue of Liberty moves past the pirate post-office window)

## Series 2
### Scotland [2.01]

    Tim: [to the suicidal zookeeper they just rescued] We'll be kind and considerate and help you in any way we can, but if you don't tell us what the problem is...
    Bill: [interrupts] ... we'll chuck you back in the river!

### Kitten Kong [2.07]

    Graeme: [Reassuring Tim about Twinkle] It's not a monster, it's a kitten! Anyway, it's time for his vitamin pills.
    [Pulls out a large pill and opens the cage to find it empty]
    Graeme: He's gone... someone's taken him!
    [suddenly attacks Tim, shrieking at him]
    Graeme: You! YOU! You've done something to him, haven't you? You never liked him! What have you done with my pussy?
    Tim: [while being shaken violently by Graeme] I haven't touched him! I wouldn't dare go NEAR him!
    Bill: Oh, it wasn't him; it was me.
    Graeme: What?
    Bill: It wasn't him. He's all right, I only put him "out".
    Graeme: [screams] YOU DID WHAT?
    Bill: You should always put the cat "out" at night. So I... I did.
    Graeme: YOU IDIOT! THAT CAT...
    [grabs and throws away the Bush Baby, which has attached itself to him again]
    Graeme: THAT CAT IS STILL GROWING!
    [Runs to get his clothes]
    Graeme: Come on! We gotta find him, and catch him before he eats someone he shouldn't!
    Tim: [Amused by Graeme's "slip-up"] Ah! You mean some THING he shouldn't.
    Graeme: [Voice of Doom] I know what I mean.
    Tim, Bill: Oh heck...

### Gender Education [2.11]

    [In the sex education film that the Goodies have made for young children. A picture of Tim is being displayed]
    Graeme: [narrating] This is a man.
    [Picture changes to a shot of some anonymous woman]
    Graeme: ...And this isn't.
    [Picture changes to a shot of Tim and the woman standing side-by-side]
    Graeme: This is a picture of a man and a woman. Do you know what the difference is? Yes, that's right; men are better at football. But, you know, there are other differences, as well...

## Series 3
### The New Office [3.01]

    [Tim unpacks a curious artifact to decorate his part of the office]
    Bill: What's that?
    Tim: An elephant's foot umbrella stand.
    Bill: [offended] Wha...? El- Elephant's foot? Oh, you're not having that in here. I mean, that's cruel! I'll report you to the RSPCA.
    Graeme: Oh, leave him alone.
    Bill: No, I'm not!
    [Bill mutters something as he opens the door to the foyer and starts tugging at an elephant's trunk]
    Bill: Come on, in ya come. Right...
    Tim: Wha... What's that?
    Bill: Three-legged elephant.
    [Tim looks aghast]
    Tim: I just hope it makes you feel guilty.

### That Old Black Magic [3.04]

    Tim: So tomorrow night when the owls do hoot and the moon is full, we must journey to the abode of the living dead.
    Bill: Aw, we're not going to Bognor again, are we?

## Series 4
### Invasion of the Moon Creatures [4.02]

    Bill & Tim: [as rabbits] Nnnyeeehh!
    Graeme: [Serves them a whole lot of carrots] There we are eat 'em all up. [Bill and Tim refuse, showing a great dislike for the carrots] Aw c'mon, if you're real rabbits you can't get enough of those.
    Tim: Course we're not real rabbits. [suddenly realise] Oh, did I say that?
    Graeme: [Pleased, and slightly cocky by this reaction] It's wearing off isn't it?
    Bill: No it is not!
    Graeme: [Adamant] In that case eat your carrots!
    Bill: Naw, c'mon, even rabbits need a change of diet now and again.
    Graeme: All right then, 2 tons of lettuces.
    [Further disgust and refusal from Bill and Tim]
    Tim: Why not... Fish and chips?
    Graeme: [Again pleased by the response] It is wearing off isn't it?
    Tim: No! We're still the sworn servants of Big Bunny.
    [Bill and Tim raise their arms in a 'Heil Hitler' gesture]
    Graeme: Aw well, if you're still the sworn servants of Big Bunny, you probably won't want a slice of this delicious pie.
    [Affirmative murmurs from Bill and Tim, a few words such as "pie?" and "scrummy" can be heard]
    Graeme: Oh all right, there you are. [serves them slices of pie] Eat up. Nice isn't it?
    Tim: Great, what is it?
    Graeme: [triumphantly, as he shows them a pie with rabbit ears sticking out of it] Rabbit pie!
    Tim: Oh no! You mean like... you made us cannibals?
    [Feigned sobs from Bill and Tim. The door opens to reveal a rabbit]
    Big Bunny: Stop! Stop!
    Bill: Huh? Who said that?
    Big Bunny: It is I your leader.
    Bill & Tim: Big Bunny.
    Graeme: [Indicates Big Bunny] Well?
    Tim: Well...
    [Bill and Tim pick up cutlery from the table]
    Bill & Tim: Dinner!
    [the two of them chase after Big Bunny,then the end credits start to roll as they chase Big Bunny down the road]
    Tim: Look, I just need to nip out to the telephone box.
    Bill: WHAT TELEPHONE BOX?
    Tim: Er, that one there.
    [The TARDIS from Doctor Who then flies past]
    Tim: I once had a pet rabbit. And never did he once tie me to a board and stick carrots in my ears.

## Series 5
### The Movies [5.01]

    Bill: [after watching their film] Right! I'm gonna get drunk! The film's a failure! I'm gonna drown me sorrows! I'm gonna drink 'till it comes out me eyeballs! I'm gonna get drunk!

### Lighthouse Keeping Loonies [5.08]

    Graeme: [the trio finds a song about the Jollyrock Lighthouse in a sea shanty compilation and eagerly start to sing it] Oh the winds they do blow, and the seas they do roar...
    Tim, Graeme, Bill: [singing] ... when you're stuck on a lighthouse, ten miles from the shore. But you've heard of the Jollyrock, of that I am sure. Go there and your loved ones, will see you no more.
    Tim, Graeme, Bill: [singing, suddenly worried] Oh, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do. I wouldn't go near it if I was you.
    Graeme: [singing] So away from the Jollyrock I advise you to race.
    Tim: It's utterly appalling... [confused] and not at all nace?
    Bill: [singing, worried] For nasty things happen there, it's such a disgrace...
    Tim, Graeme, Bill: [singing, now really worried] 'Cause people get killed there all over the place! OH, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do. I wouldn't go near it, if I was you.
    Tim: [completely hysterical] Oh, the next verse is censored because it's too horrible even to talk about! [runs out] I don't feel well!
    Bill: [singing, halfheartedly] Well your blood will run cold, and your heart fill with dread.
    Graeme: [singing, halfheartedly] For the Jollyrock is plagued with the souls of the dead!
    Bill: [singing] If you stay there one night... [terrified] you'll go clean off your head!
    Graeme, Bill: [singing, weakly] And in no time at all you will probably catch mumps...
    [Double-check the line]
    Graeme, Bill: ... Mumps?
    Tim: That doesn't even rhyme!

### Bunfight at the O.K. Tea Rooms [5.12]

    Graeme: I've been out looking around, and you'll never guess what I just found in an old tin mine.
    Bill: Gold?
    Graeme: No, old tins.
    [empties a bag of empty tin cans on the floor]
    Graeme: [producing a rock] And... this!
    Bill: What?
    Graeme: [confidently] Gold ore.
    Tim: Ore?
    Graeme: [less confidently] Or something else.

### The End [5.13]

    [Bill is drunk]
    Tim: [to Graeme] Pay no attention to him. He's pissed.
    Graeme: Has he?
    Tim: Yes.
    [Tim and Bill yell at each other]
    Graeme: This is good, political discussion, a healthy thing.
    Bill: This isn't political discussion, we're just shouting at one another.
    Graeme: Same thing.

### The Goodies Rule - O.K.? [5.14]

    [In Nationwide.]
    Michael Barratt: Good evening, and tonight in Nationwide, we're looking at a political solution that's entirely new to Great Britain. For the first time in our history, we find ourselves the subject of a puppet government and in the studio to answer questions on some of the topics raised by this situation, we have the Prime Minister. [The Prime Minister, Sooty, appears.] Good evening, Prime Minister. Some of your critics might suggest that the responsibility of running the country may be outside your previous political experience. [Sooty asks him.] You'll do what to your critics? Oh, I see. Well, at this stage we should bring in the new-appointed Home Secentury. [The Home Secretary, Sweep, appears.] Good evening. Do say hello to the Prime Minister. Now, perhaps I could begin by raising a point which was made earlier. [Sooty asks him again.] I'm sorry, what was that, Prime Minister? You want to play your xylophone? [Sooty brings in a xylophone.] Would you mind? Erm… Oh, erm… I mean… [Sooty and Sweep starts hitting him with xylophone hammers.] No, please, you must… Stop it, Home Secretary! Prime Minister!
    [Cut to the Houses of Parliament. Big Ben chimes, as words "Today in Parliament" appear. Inside, a Clanger from Clangers is seen speaking to the puppets. The puppets jeer and throw papers. The Goodies watch on TV on a tree trunk. Tim turns it off.]
    Tim: [referring to the puppets] See, see. I'm telling you could trust them.
    Bill: [angry] Right. That does it, come on.
    Tim: Great. Right… Where to?
    [In Chequers, The Goodies enter a cabinet room, and they see the puppet government at a table. Tim clears his throat, the puppets look at him.]
    Tim: Right. All right, you puppets, I think you know why we're here. [chuckles] Well, so do we. Yes. Ha, ha, yes. [clicks throat]
    Bill: [looks at Tim] Go on!
    Tim: I will, I'll go on.
    [As Tim looks at the trashcans, until a sort-of Cookie Monster appears in the bin]
    A sort-of Cookie Monster: [silent roars]
    [a sort-of Cookie Monster begins to attack Tim whilst in a bin]
    Tim: Get off, get off!
    [Tim puts a sort-of Cookie Monster in a bin, guzzles him, and burps loudly]

## Series 6
### Daylight Robbery on the Orient Express [6.03]

    Tim: It's all a con!
    Bill: Uh, no. I prefer to use the word rip-off.

## Series 7
### Earthanasia [7.06]

    [the Goodies have been told there's half an hour to go before the end of the world]
    Tim: At least there's time to do the ironing.
    [Brings in the ironing board and a basket of laundry]
    Tim: Just think, this is the end of Derby County... and the Muppets!
    Graeme: The Muppets?
    Tim: Yes, when we go, they'll go too, you know... oh, I do hope they don't suffer.
    Graeme: They're not real, you know!
    Tim: Well, of course they're real!
    Graeme: Don't be silly... the Muppets are just dollies!
    Tim: If they're "dollies", how come they can sing and dance and make sophisticated funny remarks?
    Graeme: Look, Kermit the frog is a green sock.
    Tim: [suddenly disturbed] What?
    Graeme: Kermit the frog is a man on his knees with a green sock on his hand!
    [to demonstrate, he uses a green sock as a glove puppet and imitates Kermit]
    Graeme: "Hello frog lovers, and welcome to the Muppet Show! I'd like to welcome our very special guest, Miss Piggy. Yay-ay-ay-ay!"
    Tim: Well she has GOT to be real.
    Graeme: Pair of old y-fronts and a mop head.
    [He holds up a pair of underpants and a mop head, and speaks like Miss Piggy]
    Graeme: "Hello Kermit, spawn of my heart, frog of my dreams!"
    [as Kermit]
    Graeme: "Hi there Miss Piggy, and what can I do for you?" Fozzie Bear is a brown woolly jumper with a hat on!
    [Holds up a brown pullover and a hat and speaks like Fozzie]
    Graeme: "Oh boy, funn-y! Oh Kermit, I hope those two old guys don't heckle me!"
    [Holds up two sponge balls and imitates Waldorf and Statler]
    Graeme: "Boo boo, the bear's a comedian, the comedian's a bear! Boo, boo!"
    [Waves a feather duster in Tim's face and bellows]
    Graeme: "A-NI-MAL!"
    Tim: [Nearly hysterical] No, stop it! Lies! LIES!
    Graeme: [holds up the green sock again and sings] "Halfway up the staircase..."
    Tim: NO!
    [runs into the kitchen, screaming]
    Graeme: I released his inhibitions through anger and violence! My work is at an end. I can die a happy man.
    [Tim emerges screaming from the kitchen and throws the gas cooker at Graeme]
    Graeme: You shouldn't have hit me with that! You've ruined the cake!

## External links

* The Goodies quotes at the Internet Movie Database
* BBC Comedy, The Goodies.