# Broad City/Season 1

    Season 1 2 3 4 5 Main
Broad City is an American television sitcom, created by and starring Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson that aired on Comedy Central (2014-2019).

### "What a Wonderful World" [1.01]

    Ilana Wexler: [In a video conferencing call] Ab, Ab, Ab-- No joke, today is the day we become Abbi and Ilana, the boss b*tches we are in our minds. Are you with me?
    Abbi Abrams: Yeah, I'm with you, awesome. Are you-- Is that the whole thing?
    Ilana Wexler: Obviously I have a plan. Tonight we are going to see a secret pop-up Lil Wayne concert at Bowery Ballroom.
    Abbi Abrams: I can't, I'm so broke.
    Ilana Wexler: No excuses, girl. I'm getting big ol' balls of mozzarella today. Chea-- Get it! Chea-- Harder.
    Abbi Abrams: You're gonna have to speak in English for me.
    Ilana Wexler: I am getting my paycheck today and I can spot you, bitch!
    Abbi Abrams: I wish that I could, but I am so close to finishing season one of "Damages," and I made, this, like, amazing cashew stir-fry for the week, so I'm actually pretty booked.
    Ilana Wexler: Stir-fry? Can I talk to the Abbi who stole a van? Ab, you're so stuck in your little routine. I bet you schedule when you jack off.
    Abbi Abrams: Schedule when I ja-- [exhales deeply] Oh, my God. Is that Lincoln?
    Ilana Wexler: Yep. [Turns camera onto him who she is riding on top]
    Abbi Abrams: Is he inside of you?
    Ilana Wexler: Yep. I'm just keeping him warm.
    Abbi Abrams: All right-- Let's just set some ground rules here for everybody involved. I don't want to see you have sex. Let's try and avoid that.
    Ilana Wexler: Lincoln, you seem well.
    Lincoln Rice: Thank you-- I've been doing this no-bread diet and it's pretty good.
    Abbi Abrams: [Drumming in park] Oh, we got a fan. We got a fan, hey, hey, hey. Me and Ilana, we really don't like to use labels. We try to be more progressive. We have a real connection. [A woman starts dancing] Oh, she's break dancing, that's cool. All right, let's pick it up. Who teaches the bucket drummers? I never seen a bucket drummer class listed anywhere.
    Ilana Wexler: [Bystanders start clapping and cheering and giving money to woman dancer] She should be giving us, like, 25%. We can't do this anymore! This is insane! [They stop drumming and get up]
    Bystanders: We're like-- Where'd the music go? Boo!
    Ilana Wexler: [Walking away] Are you kidding me? No-- She wouldn't even have anything to dance to if it wasn't for us!
    Bystanders: You suck!
    Ilana Wexler: What-- Shut up!
    Ilana Wexler: Lil Wayne's so short, though, that we weren't even gonna be able to see him from where we would have sat. I don't think I even would have recognized him. I don't know who this guy is. You know, I read that he's actually better pre-recorded. I just didn't want to say anything 'cause I wanted to go. These spaces are so small, like, we would be so close to so many strangers we don't know. Drinks are, like, so expensive and tiny, like--
    Abbi Abrams: Oh, my God, double... Crap. Do you know me, how I have to pee, like, constantly? We would be standing in line the whole concert. The whole time, we would be standing in a line.
    Ilana Wexler: Ugh. Tomorrow's gonna be the day, like, I know it, that we're gonna look back and be like, that was the day!
    Abbi Abrams: I know that tomorrow... tomorrow's totally the day.

### "Pu$$y Weed" [1.02]

    Abbi Abrams: [In a video conferencing call] I can't really imagine what it's life for people with blue eyes.
    Ilana Wexler: No idea, other than feeling like a fucking freak!
    Matt Bevers: Hey Ab', I've been meaning to ask I'm missing like a bunch of my undies.
    Abbi Abrams: So I had an envelope up here with all of my Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons. I can't find it.
    Matt Bevers: I threw them away, they were all expired.
    Abbi Abrams: Coupons never expire!
    Matt Bevers: They have expiration dates on them!
    Abbi Abrams: Yeah, to-- to throw idiots off! Where do you think all this stuff comes from?! You think someone drops it off?! No!
    Matt Bevers: This is Bed, Bath & Beyond?
    Abbi Abrams: Yeah! Dude, they sell lots of stuff! You just threw away bowls, maybe coffee filters, a... a new ottoman!
    Matt Bevers: Well, you asked me to clean the fridge.
    Abbi Abrams: The inside of the fridge! The inside of the fridge is fine!
    Matt Bevers: It's all those junky coupons on top that had to go. I guess that's totally on me, I guess.
    Abbi Abrams: Can't even do chores around the house! Hey! I will not buy a Sodastream full price, Bevers! I will not do it!
    Ilana Wexler: Let's meet at the ATM where the dude puked on you last week.”
    Abbi Abrams: I was curious to see if you were still selling the greenery. Cuz I'm looking to buy some um greenery.”
    Abbi Abrams: I’m an adult and I’m responsible. Let’s go get some candy.”

### "Working Girls" [1.03]

    Lincoln Rice: I won’t make out with you; white people do that, black people don’t make out with dogs.”

### " The Lockout" [1.04]

    Abbi Abrams: We’re technically homeless right now.
    Ilana Wexler: Ben Affleck was homeless for a night for a charity... we’re, like, doing that, just involuntarily.
    Abbi Abrams: Yeah, we’re just a regular Matt and Ben.”
    Abbi Abrams: We are officially homeless.
    Ilana Wexler: No, dude, we are standing and awake. You gotta be lying down to be really homeless.
    Abbi Abrams: Sorry. Or officially dicks. You know what? This is insane. I'm changing here, just, like, cover me.
    Ilana Wexler: This is, like, getting to be ridiculous. Okay.
    Abbi Abrams: Oh, my God. Ilana. What did you do? That solstice, like... They should, like, give you containers for-- you know, for--
    Ilana Wexler: For what? Stealing lotion? What did you put it in?
    Abbi Abrams: Those, like, plastic bags.
    Ilana Wexler: Okay.
    Abbi Abrams: The plastic bags are for swimsuits and, like, dirty gym clothes, not for loose goo. Just an FYI, okay?
    Ilana Wexler: This is just insane.
    Abbi Abrams: I know. I can't believe that I'm gonna go to my first gallery show looking like this. You're ruining my big break. I mean, look-- look at me, I look like garbage. You know what? I'm going in.
    Ilana Wexler: Wait. What? This is the gallery?
    Abbi Abrams: Yeah. This is a sandwich shop. Or it's a gallery after 8:00 'cause they make people put their laptops away.
    Ilana Wexler: A sandwich shop?! You've been busting my balls all day over a sandwich shop?!
    Abbi Abrams: You know what, dude? I think I want you to stay out here, 'cause I definitely don't want you coming in there if you're not gonna be supportive.
    Ilana Wexler: Oh, I will absolutely be coming in.
    Sandwich shop employee: I'm sorry, can I help you?
    Abbi Abrams: Oh, I'm one of the artists.
    Sandwich shop employee: One of the sandwich artists?
    Abbi Abrams: No, I'm one of the-- the artist artists. Have any of the pieces sold yet? I know it's early.
    Sandwich shop employee: I haven't heard anything. But I highly doubt it.
    Abbi Abrams: Well, no, it's just that people don't really come in here for the art.
    Sandwich shop employee: We're a sandwich shop. So we sell food. Would you like some?
    Abbi Abrams: Are they... free sandwiches?
    Sandwich shop employee: You can order and then pay. Okay, so how it usually works.
    Sandwich shop employee: So you have two options. You can take your cut of the proceeds, or you can get a credit for, like, three sandwiches.
    Abbi Abrams: Yeah. Okay.
    Sandwich shop employee: And there's no meat.
    Abbi Abrams: No. Okay, how big are the sandwiches? Like, substantial?
    Sandwich shop employee: We-- Sometimes. That's not--
    Abbi Abrams: That's not like a sandwich. That's a teeny sandwich, right?
    Sandwich shop employee: People are full on that.
    Abbi Abrams: Okay, well, I'm not normal people.
    Sandwich shop employee: Okay. I don't-- Tofu is in them.
    Abbi Abrams: Is it thick?
    Sandwich shop employee: I don't know the degree of tofu-ness.
    Abbi Abrams: You have no idea the degree. There should be some sort of scale.
    Sandwich shop employee: Okay, to-go coffee mugs, you guys must have that. Do you know what a sandwich is?
    Abbi Abrams: Do you? 'Cause you don't have any meat in them. There's no meat in the sandwiches. Just an FYI, that makes the sandwich.
    Ilana Wexler: God, these bagels here are, like, very good, so. How's the, um, gallery going?
    Abbi Abrams: It's not a gallery. It's a sandwich shop, you were right. And they don't really-- they don't even have meat, so I don't know if I would even consider it a sandwich shop, but... I'm sorry I was a bitch.
    Ilana Wexler: Don't even worry about it, you know? When a friend makes a mistake, you forgive them blindly, right?
    Abbi Abrams: Cool, yeah.
    Ilana Wexler: I'm gonna go take a dump.
    Abbi Abrams: Oh... cool, cool.
    Lincoln Rice: Hey Abbi, you gotta start somewhere. And look at The Hardy Boys. They started out as kid detectives, just solving mysteries in Bayport and now they have an entire book series about them.
    Abbi Abrams: Yeah, definitely, but you know, they are, like, fictional characters, but I appreciate the... sentiment behind it.
    Ilana Wexler: [Discovers keys in a necklace under shirt] The keys to my apartment. Don't you ever tell Abbi. You can't ever tell her. You can't ever tell her this, this is-
    Lincoln Rice: I won't tell Abbi, but I've told you several times and I'll tell you again, phone, keys, wallet- Every time. Phone, keys, wallet, P-K-W. Your brain is a muscle, Ilana, and I feel like that muscle isn't getting enough exercise. You need to do your brain kegels.

### "Stolen Phone" [1.06]

    Lincoln Rice: I was so worried I baked a whole cake. And then I ate a whole cake.”

### "Hurricane Wanda" [1.07]

    Ilana Wexler: Abbi, truth or dare?
    Abbi Abrams: You know what, I'm gonna go with dare.
    Ilana Wexler: I dare you to suck Jeremy's dick.
    Abbi Abrams: Never have I ever, um, dealt with how my parents' divorce affected my overall, you know, being in relationships.”

### "Destination Wedding" [1.08]

    Ilana Wexler: You said that if you ever were going to do a same sex experimentation, it was going to be with me.”

### "Apartment Hunters" [1.09]

    Ilana Wexler: I'd like to cash these nickels, and I'll have them in quarters, please. ”

### "The Last Supper" [1.10]

    Ilana Wexler: [Watching a game of amateur basketball] Abbi, why wouldn't we be rating them on dick size? It's all I can see. Those b-ball shorts are God's gift. If you train your eyes, you can see their religion.”
    Ilana Wexler: Nose, vagina, butthole. If God didn’t want us to put our fingers in there, then why did she make them perfectly finger-sized?
    Basketball player: [To Ilana and Abbi] Can I ask you two to leave? Some of the guys are complaining.

## External links

* Broad City/Season 1 quotes at the Internet Movie Database