# Kindergarten Cop

Kindergarten Cop is a 1990 film about a cop who goes undercover in Astoria to find the ex-wife and son of a drug dealer.
    Directed by Ivan Reitman. Written by Murray Salem, Herschel Weingrod, and Timothy Harris.

## John Kimble

* Oh, excuse me. I forgot to introduce myself. My name is John Kimble... [cocks gun] ...and I love my car.
* If you don't stop screwing around back there, this is what I'm gonna do with you. [snaps pencil]
* Come on, stop whining! You kids are soft. You lack discipline. Well, I've got news for you. You are mine now; you belong to me! You're not gonna have your mommies running behind you anymore to wipe your little tushies! Oh no, it's time now to turn this mush into muscles. No more complaining, no more "Mr. Kimble, I have to go to the bathroom"; nothing! [brief pause] THERE IS NO BATHROOM!
* [in German] This makes me angry as hell! Now I'm angry!
* [to Eleanor] Go to hell.
* [Crisp: You can't just walk in here and put a gun in my face. I'm trying to get a manicure. I have witnesses.] I have a witness, too. It's murder one this time. Now you're mine.
* [to a fat kid who stole his friends' lunches] Are these all your lunches? [lifts the kid who shakes his head in disagreement] You mean you eat other people's lunches?! STOP IT!
* [to the kids] Now Ms. O'Hara is going to talk to you about something very important, So I want you to pay real attention to what she has to say, Okay?

## Joyce Palmieri/Rachel Myatt Crisp

* You know, kindergarten is like the ocean. You don't want to turn your back on it.

## Phoebe O'Hara

* [to Eleanor after knocking her unconscious with a baseball bat] You're not so tough without your car, are you?

## Cullen Crisp, Sr.

* Kimble, you've wasted years chasing after me, and what has it got you? Huh? Nothing. I'll be out of here in a week, and you'll still be eating takeout food in that dump you live in. Yeah. I know all about you, Kimble. Without me, you wouldn't even have a life. My old lady left because of the money. Yours left because she just couldn't stand the sight of you.
* [last words before he gets shot 3 times in the chest by John Kimble, killing him] The boy... is mine! HE'S MY BOY! You get your own goddamn family!

## Eleanor Crisp

* Where's my grandson?
* [last words before she gets knocked unconscious with a baseball bat by Phoebe O'Hara and arrested for attempted murder of John Kimble] That's where you're going, you son of a bitch!

## Dominic Palmieri/Cullen Crisp, Jr.

* [to Kimble] Mrs. Hagley is a lot better than you.

## Dialogue

    Kimble: [to crowd, after they scream in horror] It's all right. I'm a police officer. [to Crisp; sternly] Crisp, you're under arrest. Put your hands on your head, slowly, and get up!
    Crisp: [annoyed] Kimble, not again!
    Kimble: [sternly] Your hands!
    Crisp: [annoyed] They're up. When are you going to leave me alone?
    Police officer 1: Drop the gun!
    Police officer 2: Yeah, that's right! Drop the gun!
    Kimble: Hey. I'm a police officer. This is an arrest.
    Crisp: [annoyed] This man is crazy. Look at him. He wants to kill me. You're just going to stand there?
    Police officer 3: Freeze!
    Hairstylist: Oh, jeez!
    Kimble: [annoyed] I'm a cop, you idiot! I'm Detective John Kimble! This man is under arrest!
    Police officer 2: [calling to verify badge number] Yeah, we'll see about that. I'm checking it out.
    Crisp: You can't just walk in here and put a gun in my face. I'm trying to get a manicure. I have witnesses.
    Kimble: I have a witness, too. It's murder one this time. Now you're mine.
    Thug: So, who are you, man? [Kimble cocks his shotgun] [alarmed] SHIT! [jumps away just in time as Kimble shoots and destroys the sofa]
    Kimble: [smugly] I'm the party pooper.
    Kimble: How do I look?
    Phoebe: Take off the gun.
    Kimble: That's a good idea.
    Phoebe: Little bastards are gonna eat you alive.
    Kimble: Get some rest and don't worry. I've been working undercover for a long time. They're six-year-olds. How much trouble can they be?
    Phoebe: On second thought, take the gun.
    Miss Schlowski: Your teacher, Mrs. Hagley, had to go on an important trip for a few days.
    Lisa: Where'd she go?
    Miss Schlowski: That doesn't matter.
    Lowell: Did she die?
    Miss Schlowski: No, Lowell, she went to see someone.
    Lowell: Did they die?
    Miss Schlowski: No, Lowell.
    Lowell: Everyone dies, you know.
    [The classroom has descended into chaos. Kimble is knocked over by one of the kids crashing into him on a wagon, and can't regain control of the class. Miss Schlowski and her assistant watch him from outside]
    Assistant to Miss Schlowski: Aren't you gonna break it up?
    Miss Schlowski: No, two more days of this, then he'll quit.
    [Schowlski and her assistant walk away as Kimble nears his breaking point. He slowly stands up; his anger slowly building, and finally cracks]
    Kimble: [furiously] SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!! [All the kids turn around, clearly startled] SHUT UP!! Shut up!! Shut up!
    [Some of the kids start to break down in tears at Kimble's meltdown]
    Kimble: [desperately] No, don't start this.
    [The entire class is soon left crying en masse]
    Kimble: [overwhelmed] Oh, no...
    [Unable to take anymore, Kimble makes a break for it and races outside before screaming in rage. He then races down to his car to get something out, desperate to find some way to engage the class. Back inside, the class seem to be playing as normal]
    Kimble: ATTENTION! [everyone pauses as Kimble re-enters] This is your new class mascot.
    Boy: What happened to your dog?
    Kimble: This is not a dog. This is a ferret.
    Girl: What's a ferret?
    Kimble: [showing them his ferret in a way] That's a ferret.
    Kids: Oh.
    Lowell: If he bites you, you get rabies and you die.
    Kimble: No, that's not true. He never bites.
    Girl: Can I pet him?
    Kimble: Sure, but one at a time, okay?
    [after his first day, John comes back and collapses on his bed]
    Phoebe: John? Are you there? [tiredly walks into John's room] How did it go?
    Kimble: Go away.
    Phoebe: It went that well, huh?
    Kimble: You take over tomorrow.
    Phoebe: And blow our cover? Can't do it.
    Kimble: They're horrible.
    Phoebe: Tell me about it.
    Joseph: Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina.
    [the kids laugh hysterically]
    Kimble: [sarcastically] Thanks for the tip.
    Kimble: I have a headache.
    Lowell: It might be a tumor.
    Kimble: It's not a tumor. It's not a tumor at all.
    Kimble: What I meant was...you tell me...who is your daddy, and what does he do? Get it? (That's the premise of "Who Is My Daddy, And What Does He Do?") We start right here. [points to a girl] You.
    Girl 1: My dad repairs cars driven by women who are pinheads.
    Boy 1: My dad doesn't do anything since the crash.
    Girl 2: My dad gives money to people that doesn't have money...then people use that money... then they give other money back and they give the same amount of money back to my dad.
    Lowell: My dad doesn't live with us anymore. He lives in New York and drives a taxi. My mom hopes he's going to die real soon.
    Girl 3: My dad watches TV all day long.
    Emma: My dad works on computers, and he's, um, the boss of his company. And, um, he has a mustache and a beard.
    Kimble: Mm-hmm.
    Emma: Yeah. He doesn't have that much hair because...and he...his head is so big that he can't wear any hats.
    Joshua: My dad's divorced. My mom's divorced.
    Boy 4: My dad, um, is a psychologist...and he helps people that are hurt or lost their feelings... and, um, that's it.
    Tina and Rina: Our mom says that our dad is a real sex machine.
    Kimble: Good.
    Dominic: I don't know what my dad does. I haven't seen him in a long time. He lives in France.
    Joseph: My dad is a gynecologist, and he looks at vaginas all day long.
    Phoebe: Listen, Kimble. You've gotta handle this like any other police situation. You walk into it showing fear, you're dead. And those kids know you're scared.
    Kimble: [nods] No fear.
    Phoebe: No fear.
    Kimble: Emma, take your toy back to the carpet.
    Emma: I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess!
    Kimble: [sternly] Take your toy back to the carpet.
    Emma: [miserably] I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess!
    Kimble: [loses his patience] TAKE IT BACK!
    Emma: [timidly] All right.
    [Kimble, having just returned from school after a satisfying day, sees a parked car outside the motel. He cautiously enters the motel and hears noises from the bedroom. He approaches the door, then storms it with his gun pointed]
    Kimble: Freeze! [Henry and Phoebe gasp and jump, Henry falls behind the bed]
    Phoebe: NO! No! [a brief pause] This... is Henry Shoop, my fiancée.
    Henry: [rises halfway] Hi.
    Kimble: [lowers his gun] Your fiancée?
    Phoebe: Yeah, my fiancée. [to Henry, who covers his parts with pillows] Henry, this is obviously my partner, John Kimble.
    Henry: [drops pillow covering his rear] Oh, jeez.
    Kimble: [shakes Henry's hand] Hi.
    Henry: How you doing? Let me just, uh, get this, and I'll... I'll be right out. [picks up a robe and moves to the bathroom to get changed]
    Miss Schlowski: I want you to answer one more question, and don't lie. What did it feel like to hit that son of a bitch?
    Kimble: It felt great.
    Kimble: Freeze! [the two kissing children scream out of fright; annoyed] Don't you know the building is on fire?
    Kissing Boy: We thought it was another drill.
    Kissing Girl: Yeah.
    Kimble: Well, get out!
    Kissing Boy: Yes, sir.

## Taglines

* An undercover cop in a class by himself.
* Go ahead, you tell him you didn't do your homework.
* He's the toughest undercover cop in LA. If you're bad he'll know it. If you're hiding something he'll find out. If you cheat he can tell. Now...
* It's a jungle gym out there.

## External links

* Kindergarten Cop quotes at the Internet Movie Database
* Kindergarten Cop at Rotten Tomatoes