# Suggestions for Autistic Spectrum community building

* Auties may seek the company of other auties for many reasons. Common reasons are wanting to socialise, to develop social skills, to address personal quality of life issues or simply to communicate with each other vocationally.
* Know what it is that you're trying to accomplish by entering the community, stick to your goals and let others go about accomplishing theirs.
* Know your w:MBTI type. Many of the major autistic spectrum sub-groups some people insist on seeing can be attributed to this, and many of the battle lines in conflicts are drawn along their borders.
* Above all, try your absolute best to remain constructive, even when people around you are not. And although you should never reward bad behaviour, it's best to never over-react.
* Unwritten social rules can be broken into two groups. Ones regulating destructive behaviour, and ones regulating eccentric behaviour. XXX Insert Relationship Building Skills Comment Here XXX The eccentric behaviour rules can usually be dropped in autie social circles, but when the destructive behaviour rules are dropped, things can turn very bad.
* If you are the leader of a community, think very carefully about the rules you choose. Autistic spectrum people in general usually measure everything in terms of equality/equity and are often unforgiving.
** KNOW that the words "mature" and "develop" do not apply to autistic spectrum people the way they apply to non-autistic people. A non-autistic person "develops" and an autistic spectrum person "learns social skills". In the same way, a non-autistic person would have to "learn" in whatever field of interest an autistic spectrum person "develops".
** Separating the "person" from their "behaviour" is a good tool in trying to work out who someone is.
* If you are lucky enough to be in a successful relationship, be careful what you say and do regarding it in autie social circles.
** This cannot be stressed enough. Public displays of affection and innuendo between lovers is a major cause of ill feeling and conflict in autistic spectrum circles.
** Many of us are not in worthwhile relationships and despair at ever being able to find one and unless you are willing to open up and share large amounts of personal information, you are likely to invoke bad feelings by flaunting what you have.
** Don't try to get away with it by being discreet or by saying it gives hope to certain people. Most auties KNOW how much hope there is and are smart enough to decipher your discretion. What irks people is that they simply don't know what it is that makes a worthwhile relationship work and that other people are rarely willing to share. Furthermore, being direct about this issue exposes one to ridicule, even in autistic spectrum circles.
** If you try to use your success to raise your social status amongst auties, expect pain. Many auties simply cross people who do that off their "people worth talking to" list. Nastier and more confusing reactions are common. Particularly when that doesn't work.
** If you feel like disclosing to other people intimate details for educational purposes but fear the consequences, consider doing so anonymously. Your contribution will surely be valued even if you resort to doing this.
* Don't insist that people change in any particular way that seems to have been successful for other people. Different people measure success in different ways, and doing so when someone is unwilling or unable to see the benefit contributes to a lack of TRUST that is extremely valuable in teacher/student relationships.
** It's important to understand that there are good reasons why an autie may ignore advice from others, even though they may complain openly about their current situation. Many of us have experienced varying levels of success according to the NT definition but have not found any value in doing so.
** Successfully adapting to an NT world leads to serious quality of life issues for many auties. Putting large amounts of valuable energy into surviving the social status game when there is little to nothing in the way of pay off except promise is depressing. Particularly if one realises that ones effort in life has been largely wasted or misused by others.
** If you feel the need to help another autie, it's often best to just find out what it is they want/need and offer help to achieve that if you feel you can.
* Avoid forming fixed notions of what autism is at all costs. This is another leading cause of disputes within autistic spectrum communities.
** To understand what autism IS, one must realise that it has largely been defined as simply being different to people who aren't autistic.
** Yes, there are certain common characteristics that many autistic spectrum people seem to share and that many non-autistic people don't. This doesn't mean that all auties are the same or that some aunties are more worthy of speaking for other auties.
** Auties who have experienced NT life often bring their survival behaviours and "baggage" back into the autie world. It is true that this is not helpful, but throwing them out because of this isn't helpful either.
* Give up the idea of organising the "autistic community". There may be communities of autistic spectrum people, but there is no autistic community. This should come as no surprise if you understand that "the average autie" is very wary of being controlled.