# The Sidehackers

    You may have been looking for Five the Hard Way (Prison Break episode)
The Sidehackers (also known as Five the Hard Way) is a 1969 American action film about motorcycle racing with a twist. Each motorcycle has a sidehack (a sidecar with a rail but no sidewalls or seat), in which a passenger rides and tilts to one side or another when going around curves. The credits thank the "Southern California Sidehack Association"; sidehacking is also known as sidecarcross or "sidecar motocross racing".

## Plot

Rommel is a mechanic at a motorbike repair shop who works alongside his partner Luke, and competes in sidehack-style races. He and his fiancée Rita plan to get married soon. Rommel meets J.C., a hot-tempered entertainer and his crew, when he brings in his bike for repair. J.C. sees a sidehack bike in the shop and takes a liking to it. Rommel invites J.C. and his group to join him in a sidehack event the upcoming weekend. At the event, J.C. enjoys watching Rommel race on the sidehack. Rommel offers J.C. to give a ride on a sidehack with him at his and Rita's cabin, and he accepts.
A day of racing on Rommel's sidehack is followed by a dinner party at the cabin. The party turns ugly when J.C. invites Rommel to join his gang, and Rommel declines. J.C. loses his temper when Dirty John (one of his henchmen) asks him a question and Nero (another henchman of J.C.’s) tries to calm his. After J.C. asks Rommel again to join his gang, J.C.'s girlfriend Paisley reminds him that Rommel isn't interested. Infuriated by her comment, J.C. reluctantly accepts Rommel's rejection and everyone awkwardly walks out of the cabin.
Angry with Paisley, J.C. tries to pressure her into answering why Rommel shouldn't join their crew. Paisley finds it humorous, and tells J.C. she finds him disappointing. When she tries to leave, J.C. roughly pulls her back. J.C. tells her to scream for help; when she does, J.C. punches her in the stomach, and tells her she is his and no one else's.
The next day, while Rommel and Luke are working on a bike, Paisley comes over and tries to seduce Rommel, but he rejects her. When J.C. and his men return to their hotel, they find a drunk and disheveled Paisley, who claims that Rommel raped her. Angered, J.C. and his gang find Rommel and Rita in their cabin making love. The gang beat Rommel unconscious, then rape Rita, killing her in the process. Luke finds Rommel and Rita and calls the police. J.C., now a wanted man, is forced into hiding.
Despite Luke's warnings to let the police handle the situation, Rommel is determined get his revenge. Rommel gathers a group of men as back-up, consisting of J.C.'s former henchmen Nero, muscle-bound Big Jake, bailed out criminal Crapout, and Cooch (who is secretly working undercover for J.C.). With help from Cooch, Rommel and his gang head out into the canyons where J.C. is hiding. Luke goes after Rommel to stop him. Rommel's plan involves engaging J.C. and his gang in hand to hand combat. Suspecting J.C.'s gang may be armed, Rommel's gang reluctantly agree to the plan.
The next morning, Cooch sneaks over to J.C.'s hideout and fills him in on Rommel's plan. After Cooch leaves, J.C. celebrates his victory with Paisley, thinking he has Rommel figured out. Paisley breaks up with J.C. because of his abuse and her guilt for indirectly causing Rita's death. An enraged J.C. strangles Paisley to death, and then apologizes to her dead body and chides her for making him so angry.
Luke tries to talk Rommel out of his revenge on J.C., telling Rommel he is no better than J.C. if follows through. Rommel ignores Luke's pleas. Rommel's gang catches Cooch returning from J.C.'s camp. After the gang savagely beats him, Cooch reveals J.C.'s location in a rock quarry in the canyons. Finally realizing revenge is worthless, Rommel asks Luke to tell the police where J.C. is hiding. Rommel's men attack J.C. in his hideout. Big Jake is shot and killed after taking down two of J.C.'s men. Cooch escapes and runs to J.C., who kills him for his betrayal. Nero and Crapout escape on a bike as the latter shoots the rest of J.C.'s men.
Rommel and J.C. find each other in the quarry and fight. Rommel manages to gain the upper hand, and when the police arrive he decides to walk away. J.C. finds a gun dropped by one of his dead henchmen and shoots Rommel in the back. The last images of the film are a flashback of Rommel and Rita rolling about in a grassy field, superimposed over a shot of Rommel's dead body.

## Cast

* Ross Hagen as Rommel
* Diane McBain as Rita
* Michael Pataki as JC
* Robert Tessier as Big Jake
* Dick Merrifield as Luke
* Claire Polan as Paisley
* Hoke Howell as Crapout
* Michael Graham as Cooch
* Edward Parrish as Nero
* Goldie Hawn Spectator (Uncredited)

## Mystery Science Theater 3000

On September 29, 1990, The Sidehackers was featured and lampooned on Mystery Science Theater 3000. The episode (Season 2, Episode 2) includes one of the few occasions Cambot actually interacts in a way other than filming the experiment, by placing an ESPN-like score graphic during the movie's racing scenes.
The episode was released on DVD by Rhino Entertainment as part of the third volume of Mystery Science Theater 3000 DVD box sets. The collection also included the MST3K versions of The Atomic Brain (episode #518) and The Unearthly (episode #320) plus a disc of six MST3K shorts. The four-disc collection was later re-issued by Shout Factory in September 2016.

### Edits

The writers were unaware of the film's darker content when they selected it for the show, only watching it in its entirety during their usual joke-writing sessions. They were horrified to discover the scene in which Rommel's girlfriend Rita is raped and killed, juxtaposed with shots of Luke and Lois' children playfully roughhousing. This scene, and the discovery of Rita's nearly nude body, were removed from the episode. To make up for the missing plot point, the character of Crow later remarks, "For those of you playing along at home, Rita is dead." According to the series' head writer (and future host) Michael J. Nelson, "We were all traumatized, the scene got cut, and from that day forward, movies were watched in their entirety (for such potentially offensive content) before they were selected."

## Soundtrack

The movie's soundtrack LP was issued in 1969 in the U.S. by Amaret Records (ST 5004). The music was composed by Mike Curb and Jerry Styner, with lyrics by Guy Henric, and performed by the psychedelic West Coast rock band The New Life.
Track listing:
* "5 the Hard Way"
* "Love Theme (Only Love)" (instrumental)
* "Strollin' Sunday Mornin'"
* "5 the Hard Way" (instrumental)
* "Ha Lese (Le Di Khanna)"
* "Only Love" (instrumental)
* "Sidehacker"
* "Psychedelic Rape"
* "I Wanna Cry"
* "5 the Hard Way" (reprise instrumental)
* "Only Love"