# Son of the Beach

Son of the Beach is an American sitcom that aired from March 14, 2000, to October 1, 2002, on FX. The series is a spoof of Baywatch, with much of the comedy based on sexual double entendres, puns, innuendo and the like. A major running gag portrayed the handsome David Hasselhoff character as a balding, middle-aged, pot-bellied and out-of-shape man who is nonetheless seen by all the other characters as highly fit and attractive. Radio talk show host Howard Stern was one of the executive producers.

## Synopsis

The show centered on the adventures of Shore Patrol Force 30 (SPF 30, a pun on the term Sun Protection Factor), led by the pasty, out-of-shape, clueless lifeguard Notch Johnson (Timothy Stack). The rest of his patrol consists of B.J. Cummings (the innocent blonde lifeguard), Jamaica St. Croix (the ghetto-raised, mix-raced lifeguard), Chip Rommel (the dumb, hunky, muscular male lifeguard who is a parody of Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Kimberlee Clark (the smart female lifeguard and straight man of the series). Many of the plots revolved around silly action genre clichés and movie parodies, with many of the feature roles played by actors and celebrities such as Jason Alexander, Mark Hamill, Alan Thicke, Erik Estrada, Gary Coleman, John Salley, Joey Buttafuoco, Patty Hearst, Adam Carolla, Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf, George Takei, Gilbert Gottfried, Walter Koenig, Pat Morita, Anson Williams, Christopher Darden, Maureen McCormick, Lee Majors, David Arquette, Neil Patrick Harris, Musetta Vander, Angelica Bridges, Ian Ziering, RuPaul, and Dweezil Zappa.
The title is a pun on the phrase "son of a bitch." Likewise, character names are rife with puns and innuendo. Porcelain Bidet, B.J. Cummings, Jamaica St. Croix ("you make a saint cry"), Anita Massengil, and Notch Johnson all refer to some sort of double entendre, while Chip Rommel's name refers to the "Desert Fox", further punctuating the fact that the character is German, his parents being "The Rommels of Paraguay" (South America was a refuge for hunted Nazis at the close of World War II). "Notch" and "B.J." are also parodies of the names of the Baywatch characters played by David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson – Mitch and C. J. Kimberlee Clark's name is a pun on the company Kimberly-Clark, manufacturer of paper products such as Kleenex and Kotex.

## Cast
### Main cast

* Timothy Stack as Notchibald "Notch" Johnson – The world's best lifeguard and leader of the Malibu Adjacent SPF 30, who is the best at everything he tries in spite of being old, overweight, and often clueless. He is something of a legend in Malibu Adjacent as several locations are named for him such as the Notch Johnson Home for Orphans and Retards and the Notch Johnson Space Center.
* Jaime Bergman as B.J. Cummings – Lovely young woman who grew up poor in the rural South. Naïve about sex but endlessly cheerful and nice.
* Leila Arcieri as Jamaica St. Croix – Tough lifeguard from the inner-city, shaped when she was abandoned by her parents.
* Kim Oja as Kimberlee Clark – Sweet "girl next door" type assigned to SPF 30 as a spy to bring down Notch Johnson, but ended up a loyal team member who falls in love with him.
* Lou Rosenthal as Spank – the monkey who serves as sort of a mascot for SPF 30.
* Roland Kickinger as Chip Rommel – A German bodybuilder.
* Lisa Banes as Mayor Anita Massengil (2000–2001) – Unpleasant Mayor of Malibu Adjacent who wants Notch Johnson out of the SPF 30 because everyone likes him more than her and he is better than her at everything, and an absentee mother to her flamboyantly gay son Kody.
* Amy Weber as Porcelain Bidet (2002) – An unpleasant but extremely attractive dark-haired gold digger attached to the SPF 30 in Season 3.

### Recurring characters

* Anthony Wayne Johnson dancer – In the Line of Booty (2002)
* Candace Kita as Asian female news reporter (4 episodes) (2001–2002)
* Robert Ryan as Professor Milosovic (13 episodes) (2000–2002) – A wheelchair-using genius scientist who enjoys smutty humor.
* Jason Hopkins as Kody Massengil (12 episodes) (2001–2001) – Mayor Massengill's openly gay son, who has a huge crush on Chip Rommel.
* Lynne Marie Stewart as Ellen (11 episodes) (2000–2002) – The friendly beach lesbian and purveyor of fish tacos from her food truck, who seems able to turn any straight woman into her latest fling.
* Vincent Pastore as Vinnie Fellachio (3 episodes) (2000–2002) – Disgusting mobster who is Jamaica's biological father.

## Episodes
### Series overview

| Season | Episodes | Episodes | Originally released | Originally released |
| Season | Episodes | Episodes | First released | Last released |
| 1 | 13 | 13 | March 14, 2000 (2000-03-14) | September 12, 2000 (2000-09-12) |
| 2 | 15 | 15 | March 13, 2001 (2001-03-13) | July 17, 2001 (2001-07-17) |
| 3 | 14 | 14 | June 18, 2002 (2002-06-18) | October 1, 2002 (2002-10-01) |

### Season 1 (2000)

| No. overall | No. in season | Title | Directed by | Written by | Original release date |
| 1 | 1 | "With Sex You Get Eggroll" | George Verschoor | David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | March 14, 2000 (2000-03-14) |
| The SPF 30 and their fearless leader Notch Johnson are introduced, as new team member (and spy for bitter anti-Notch Mayor Anita Massengill) Kimberlee Clark helps them stop a human-trafficking operation. ||||||
| 2 | 2 | "Silence of the Clams" | Scott McAboy | David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | March 21, 2000 (2000-03-21) |
| Radioactive seafood puts Malibu Adjacent's spring break/battle of the bands plans in jeopardy. ||||||
| 3 | 3 | "In the G-Hetto" | George Verschoor | David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | March 28, 2000 (2000-03-28) |
| Jamaica is blackmailed into running drugs but Notch takes her place. Also, the mayor guarantees Chip a win in a body building contest in exchange for sexual favors. ||||||
| 4 | 4 | "Love, Native-American Style" | George Verschoor | David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | April 4, 2000 (2000-04-04) |
| Notch must stop his adopted Native American brother from selling the Kahonee land to a crooked businessman who wishes to build a casino. Also, Chip needs money to assist his family and moonlights as a male stripper. ||||||
| 5 | 5 | "Two Thongs Don't Make a Right" | Scott McAboy | David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | April 11, 2000 (2000-04-11) |
| Mayor Massengill bans thong bikinis from Malibu Adjacent. ||||||
| 6 | 6 | "Fanny and the Professor" | Scott McAboy | David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | April 18, 2000 (2000-04-18) |
| The mayor tries to replace Notch and his crew with robot lifeguards. ||||||
| 7 | 7 | "Eat My Muffin" | George Verschoor | David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | August 1, 2000 (2000-08-01) |
| B.J. falls into the clutches of an evil cult leader/sex criminal known as "the Divine Rod" (Mark Hamill). ||||||
| 8 | 8 | "Miso Honei" | Gloria Muzio | Paul A. Abeyta & Peter Kaikko | August 8, 2000 (2000-08-08) |
| Notch has to regain his legendary surfing skills, and the memory of his late super-surfer father, to stop criminal Adolf Manson from taking over the beach. ||||||
| 9 | 9 | "South of Her Border" | Scott McAboy | David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | August 15, 2000 (2000-08-15) |
| Notch and the girls travel to the country of Humidor to help a friend stop a military coup and wind up in prison. Back in Malibu Adjacent, Chip runs the Junior Lifeguard program with an iron fist. ||||||
| 10 | 10 | "Day of the Jackass" | George Verschoor | Fred Fox Jr. & Jim Geoghan | August 22, 2000 (2000-08-22) |
| Notch's old commanding officer Captain Tenille arrives in town with plans to assassinate a world leader who's signing a peace treaty in Malibu Adjacent. ||||||
| 11 | 11 | "A Star Is Boned" | Scott McAboy | David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | August 29, 2000 (2000-08-29) |
| Notch is assigned to guard beautiful but insane movie star Regina Streep and has to guard against her either falling in love with him or causing his violent death. ||||||
| 12 | 12 | "Attack of the Cocktopuss" | Scott McAboy | David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | September 5, 2000 (2000-09-05) |
| Notch and the girls try to save a Cocktopuss after learning the mayor wants to keep it in captivity for profit. Also, Chip joins a rock band. ||||||
| 13 | 13 | "Mario Putzo's 'The Last Dong'" | George Vershoor | David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | September 12, 2000 (2000-09-12) |
| The death of local pizzeria owner Papa Gigio leads to a violent showdown with mobster Vinnie Fellachio (Vincent Pastore). ||||||

### Season 2 (2001)

| No. overall | No. in season | Title | Directed by | Written by | Original release date |
| 14 | 1 | "B.J. Blue Hawaii" | Tim Andrew | Jeremiah Bosgang | March 13, 2001 (2001-03-13) |
| The SPF 30 heads to Hawaii to visit Notch's old friend Pat Morita but have to face off against his evil daughter Rucy Roo. ||||||
| 15 | 2 | "From Russia, with Johnson" | Scott McAboy | Joe Port & Joe Wiseman | March 20, 2001 (2001-03-20) |
| An insane Russian submarine commander parks his boat off the coastline and threatens to start World War III. ||||||
| 16 | 3 | "Remember Her Titans" | Scott McAboy | David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | March 27, 2001 (2001-03-27) |
| Notch returns to the basketball court as "Magic" Johnson to save Jamaica's gambling-addict boyfriend McBeal Ali from evil gangster Jerry Curl. ||||||
| 17 | 4 | "Rod Strikes Back" | Scott McAboy | Story by : Michael Loprete Teleplay by : David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | April 3, 2001 (2001-04-03) |
| The Divine Rod is let out of prison and returns to Malibu Adjacent to get revenge on Notch. ||||||
| 18 | 5 | "Queefer Madness" | Scott McAboy | David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | April 10, 2001 (2001-04-10) |
| David Arquette is Johnny Queefer, whose gang of motorcycle punks plans to take over the beach. ||||||
| 19 | 6 | "Light My Firebush" | Tim Andrew | Joe Port & Joe Wiseman | April 17, 2001 (2001-04-17) |
| B. J. gets a visit from her mother and both are kidnapped by her evil stepfather. Meanwhile, Notch hires his adopted Native American sister as a lifeguard. ||||||
| 20 | 7 | "Chip's a Goy" | Scott McAboy | David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | April 23, 2001 (2001-04-23) |
| The SPF 30 crew travels to Israel, where Notch commiserates with old friend Nocchus Johnstein, Chip finds love and faces possible circumcision, and the group has to foil a terrorist plot. ||||||
| 21 | 8 | "A Tale of Two Johnsons" | John Putch | Joe Port & Joe Wiseman | May 28, 2001 (2001-05-28) |
| Jerry Springer's criminal organization wants to use a body double of Notch to unleash a biological weapon called "the Ebonic plague". ||||||
| 22 | 9 | "It's a Nude, Nude, Nude, Nude World" | Tim Andrew | David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | June 5, 2001 (2001-06-05) |
| The Nude-lympics come to Malibu Adjacent but someone is murdering the women and Kimberlee has no idea that it's her new boyfriend doing the killing. ||||||
| 23 | 10 | "It's Showtime at the Apollo 13!" | Scott McAboy | Joe Port & Joe Wiseman | June 12, 2001 (2001-06-12) |
| Jamaica's space shuttle flight is threatened by a teenage hacker, so Notch goes undercover at a high school to save her. ||||||
| 24 | 11 | "The Island of Dr. Merlot" | John Putch | David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | June 19, 2001 (2001-06-19) |
| B.J. invents "Life Breasts" while taking night classes at Kelsey Grammar School.On the way to the International Flotation Convention in Bermuda,her and Notch crash land on the island of an eccentric millionaire who hunts humans for sport. ||||||
| 25 | 12 | "The Sexorcist" | Gene Laufenberg | Mark Amato | June 26, 2001 (2001-06-26) |
| A demon inhabits BJ, and Notch has to face fears stemming from the childhood death of his dear friend Father Chuck. ||||||
| 26 | 13 | "Grand Prix" | Scott McAboy | Joe Port & Joe Wiseman | July 3, 2001 (2001-07-03) |
| Notch is the pit crew chief for his friend's 3/4 midget race and must take the wheel after the competition sabotages the car,critically injuring the friend.Meanwhile Ellen and her girlfriend settle their differences with foxy boxing. ||||||
| 27 | 14 | "Area 69" | John Putch | Story by : Joe Port & Joe Wiseman Teleplay by : David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | July 10, 2001 (2001-07-10) |
| Notch's old commanding officer Capt. Tenille returns as the crew tries to find a kidnapped BJ. ||||||
| 28 | 15 | "Booger Nights" | Scott McAboy | David Morgasen & Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | July 17, 2001 (2001-07-17) |
| Vinny Fellachio returns as a porn king who has imprisoned Chip's beautiful sister Eva. ||||||

### Season 3 (2002)

| No. overall | No. in season | Title | Directed by | Written by | Original release date |
| 29 | 1 | "Penetration Island" | Tim Andrew | David Morgasen, Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | June 18, 2002 (2002-06-18) |
| Tex Finklestein creates a new reality show Penetration Island, starring SPF 30. Unfortunately,rebel leader Dirty Sanchez and his team want their homeland back, and the show's contestants must now try to survive. ||||||
| 30 | 2 | "Saturday Night Queefer" | Scott McAboy | Story by : David Arquette Teleplay by : David Morgasen, Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | June 25, 2002 (2002-06-25) |
| Johnny Queefer returns and fights to win a disco dancing competition after dancing is banned in Malibu Adjacent for some reason. ||||||
| 31 | 3 | "In the Line of Booty" | Scott McAboy | Kenneth Braun | July 2, 2002 (2002-07-02) |
| Notch gets caught up in a war between rival gangster rappers while Porcelain pretends to like Professor Milosevic, thinking his "cache" is "cash". ||||||
| 32 | 4 | "Three Days of the Condom" | Arthur Borman | Reid Harrison | July 9, 2002 (2002-07-09) |
| B.J. is interning for Congressman Bukaki in Washington, DC. When the news reports the politician is having a scandalous affair with her, Notch, Kimberlee and Jamaica head to the Capitol to investigate. Back in Malibu Adjacent, meanwhile, Ellen is hosting a charity for homeless lesbians, "Lezaid Faire", with Chip providing security. ||||||
| 33 | 5 | "Witness for the Prostitution" | Tim Andrew | Mira Handman & Allison Gallant | July 16, 2002 (2002-07-16) |
| SPF 30 infiltrates a campus prostitution ring and Notch pretends to be Kimberlee's boyfriend to fool her mother. ||||||
| 34 | 6 | "The Gay Team" | Scott McAboy | Sam O'Neal & Neal Boushell | July 23, 2002 (2002-07-23) |
| Notch must save Chip from Heinous Anus and The Gaytrix while B.J. and Jamaica cause problems for Porcelain and her husband. ||||||
| 35 | 7 | "You Only Come Once" | Jack Murray | Joe Port & Joe Wiseman | July 30, 2002 (2002-07-30) |
| Notch and SPF 30 must stop Stinkfinger from changing the worlds weather and Jamaica finds out her mom is Okra Lee Gifford. ||||||
| 36 | 8 | "Hamm Stroker's Suck My Blood" | Tim Andrew | David Morgasen, Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | August 6, 2002 (2002-08-06) |
| During the Lifeguard of the Year convention, lifeguards start disappearing. And reappearing as vampires. ||||||
| 37 | 9 | "Godfather Knows Best" | Scott McAboy | David Dipietro & Paul Ciancarelli | August 13, 2002 (2002-08-13) |
| Jamaica finds out that Vinnie Fellachio is her father while Mrs. Strawther tries to have B.J. thrown out of SPF 30 for having a baby out of "gridlock". ||||||
| 38 | 10 | "Empty the Dragon" | Tim Andrew | Mark Amato | August 20, 2002 (2002-08-20) |
| Notch Johnson wins a trip to Japan and has to face a giant chicken created by a professor's growth serum. ||||||
| 39 | 11 | "The Long Hot Johnson" | Tim Andrew | Patrick Stack & Kal Zurnamer | August 27, 2002 (2002-08-27) |
| Notch and his crew go to the Bayou to stop the evil Bull Cracker from running people out of an African-American neighborhood rich with uranium. ||||||
| 40 | 12 | "Taco Lips Now: Part 1" | Jack Murray | David Morgasen, Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | September 17, 2002 (2002-09-17) |
| Notch Johnson's life from his time in Vietnam comes back to haunt him when he's accused of war crimes. Also, Porcelain's husband "Snuggles" passes away. ||||||
| 41 | 13 | "Jailhouse Notch: Part 2" | Scott McAboy | David Dipietro & Paul Ciancarelli | September 24, 2002 (2002-09-24) |
| Notch begins his prison term, Chip faces deportation and Kimberlee starts dating Notch's brother, Harry. ||||||
| 42 | 14 | "Bad News, Mr. Johnson" | Tim Andrew | Story by : David Dipietro & Paul Ciancarelli Teleplay by : David Morgasen, Timothy Stack & James R. Stein | October 1, 2002 (2002-10-01) |
| Notch searches for Colonel Kooze to prove his innocence and must also find a way to stop Kimberlee's wedding to Harry. ||||||

## Syndication

Reruns of the series began airing on the Viacom-owned Spike cable channel on November 7, 2010, eight years after its cancellation. It marks the first time the series has aired in the United States since.

## Home media

Son of the Beach: Volume 1 was released on April 29, 2003, containing the first 21 episodes of the series (through Season 2 episode "A Tale of Two Johnsons"). The DVD also contains writer/director/cast commentary on select episodes, introductions by Timothy Stack as Notch Johnson, Too Hot for TV montages, behind the scenes featurettes, outtakes, and TV spots.
Son of the Beach: Volume 2 was released on November 11, 2008, and contains the remaining 21 episodes from the series, as well as bonus material such as new menu introductions by Timothy Stack as Notch Johnson, new behind-the-scenes footage, commentaries by the creators of the series, sexy montage highlights, cast audition tapes and a Son of the Beach table read.