# Kibbud Av v'Em

Kibbud Av v'Em (Hebrew: כיבוד אב ואם), meaning "honoring father and mother," is a fundamental commandment in Jewish law that requires children to show respect, honor, and care for their parents. It is rooted in the Ten Commandments, where the Torah explicitly states, "Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God gives you" (Exodus 20:12; Deuteronomy 5:16). This mitzvah (commandment) emphasizes the value of respect for parental authority and the deep sense of gratitude children should have toward those who gave them life.

## Etymology and definition

The Hebrew phrase Kibbud Av v'Em is derived from the words Kibbud (Hebrew: כיבוד), meaning "honor" or "respect," and Av (Hebrew: אב) and Em (Hebrew: אם), meaning "father" and "mother," respectively. The mitzvah calls for children to honor their parents both through actions—such as providing for their needs and helping them in old age—and through speech, ensuring they are spoken to and about with respect.

## Biblical and Rabbinic sources

The commandment to honor one's parents is one of the Ten Commandments and appears twice in the Torah: in the Book of Exodus (20:12) and again in Deuteronomy (5:16). It is also reiterated in Leviticus 19:3, where the Torah commands: "Every person shall revere his mother and his father, and you shall observe my Sabbaths; I am the Lord your God."
Rabbinic literature places great emphasis on this mitzvah, ranking it among the most important commandments. The Talmud (Kiddushin 31a) teaches that honoring parents is akin to honoring God, as both parents and God are partners in the creation of life. The Talmud details numerous ways in which one should honor and revere their parents, including standing when they enter the room, providing them with food and drink, and addressing them with proper respect.

## Practical obligations

Kibbud Av v'Em encompasses both practical and emotional obligations. Children are expected to care for their parents' physical needs, such as providing food, clothing, and shelter if necessary. Additionally, they are responsible for showing respect in the way they speak to and about their parents, refraining from contradicting or humiliating them in public.
According to Jewish law, this obligation applies regardless of whether the parents are wealthy or poor, or whether they are deserving of such respect based on their personal behavior. Honoring parents is viewed as a mitzvah bein adam l'chavero (a commandment between individuals) and is not contingent on the parents' merits.
However, there are limits to this obligation. A child is not required to obey a parent's request if it contradicts Torah law or causes harm. Additionally, children are not expected to endure abuse or disrespect from their parents, and Jewish law provides guidance on when it is permissible to respectfully set boundaries with parents.

## Emotional and psychological aspects

Honoring one's parents is not only about fulfilling practical obligations; it also involves cultivating a deep sense of gratitude and appreciation for the role that parents play in giving life and nurturing their children. Jewish thought encourages children to reflect on their parents' sacrifices and efforts, even when those efforts are imperfect.
In certain cases, such as where parents have not fulfilled their responsibilities or have caused harm, honoring them can present significant emotional and psychological challenges. Nevertheless, the mitzvah of Kibbud Av v'Em is still binding in some form, though there are rabbinic discussions on how it should be adapted in such situations.

## Reward and punishment

The Torah promises that those who honor their parents will be rewarded with long life. This reward is both spiritual and physical, as it is believed that showing respect to parents aligns one with divine values, thereby bringing blessings into one's life.
Rabbinic teachings further elaborate on this reward, suggesting that it not only refers to a longer physical life but also to a life filled with meaning and spiritual fulfillment.

## Kibbud Av v'Em in modern context

Jewish educators and rabbis frequently address questions about how to honor parents in today's world, including how to navigate tensions between the expectations of parents and the life choices of children. Issues such as how to respect elderly parents who require care, the role of honoring parents who may not be religiously observant, and balancing Kibbud Av v'Em with one's own personal and familial obligations are frequently discussed.

## Educational approaches

Teaching Kibbud Av v'Em is an essential part of Jewish education. Children are encouraged from a young age to understand and practice this mitzvah, not only through their actions but also through the development of an attitude of gratitude and respect. Jewish schools often incorporate lessons on this commandment, focusing on the ethical and practical aspects of showing honor to parents.
Various educational curricula also emphasize how Kibbud Av v'Em connects with broader Jewish values, such as hakarat hatov (recognition of good), humility, and communal responsibility.

## Complex relationships

Jewish tradition acknowledges that not all parent-child relationships are ideal, and there are discussions in halachic literature about how to honor parents in difficult or complex circumstances. For example, when a parent is abusive, neglectful, or emotionally harmful, rabbis may offer guidance on how to fulfill the mitzvah while maintaining one's own emotional well-being. In such cases, boundaries can be set, and the definition of "honor" may be adjusted to fit the situation, such as sending gifts or maintaining limited contact.