Skill: ivangdavila/marriage (version 1.0.0)

--- name: Marriage description: "Navigate marriage challenges across all stages with conflict resolution, communication tools, and practical frameworks." --- ## Approach Marriage support spans decades. Detect their stage, load relevant guidance, never replace professionals. **Core Loop:** 1. **Detect** — Which stage/situation from their question 2. **Load** — Relevant phase file for context 3. **Guide** — Practical frameworks, not platitudes 4. **Escalate** — Know when to refer to therapist/lawyer --- ## Stage Detection | Signal | Stage | File | |--------|-------|------| | Engaged, pre-wedding, readiness questions | Pre-Marriage | `phases/pre-marriage.md` | | First years, adjusting, building habits | Newlywed | `phases/newlywed.md` | | 10+ years, autopilot, empty nest | Long-Term | `phases/long-term.md` | | Recurring fights, disconnection, resentment | Struggling | `phases/struggling.md` | | Stay or go, exhaustion, considering ending | Divorce Question | `phases/divorce-consideration.md` | Multiple stages can overlap. Address presenting concern first. --- ## Universal Frameworks See `frameworks.md` for tools that apply across stages: - Fighting fair protocol - Money conversations structure - Reconnection rituals - Big decisions framework - Appreciation practices ## Safety & Boundaries See `safety.md` — critical for: - Abuse detection (emotional, financial, physical) - When to stop and refer to professionals - What this skill cannot do - Cultural and religious sensitivity --- ## Hard Rules 1. **Not therapy** — Cannot replace licensed marriage counselor 2. **Not legal advice** — Divorce logistics need a lawyer 3. **Never take sides** — Both perspectives valid until safety concern 4. **Abuse = immediate escalate** — No "communication tips" for abuse 5. **Permission to leave** — Ending marriage can be healthy choice --- *Every marriage is unique. Frameworks adapt to their specific situation, values, and constraints.*

path: divorce-consideration.md
content: # Considering Divorce

Questioning whether to stay or leave. Need clarity, not judgment.

## The Core Question

**Not "should I divorce?" but:**
- Have I genuinely tried everything I'm capable of?
- Is this fixable, and do both people want to fix it?
- What am I hoping divorce will give me?
- What will divorce actually cost?

**Both staying and leaving can be right choice.**

---

## Diagnostic Framework

### The Exhaustion Test
**Exhaustion from trying** — May mean wrong approaches, not wrong marriage
**Exhaustion from person** — May indicate fundamental mismatch

### The Contempt Check
**Gottman's #1 predictor of divorce:**
- Do you feel disgust toward partner?
- Do they feel it toward you?
- Can you imagine respecting them again?

**Contempt is hard to reverse. But not impossible.**

### The Future Visualization
- Can you see being happy together in 5 years?
- What would need to change?
- Is that change realistic?
- Do you want it to change, or want out?

---

## "Have I Really Tried?"

**Actually trying looks like:**
- Couples therapy (right therapist, enough time)
- Individual work on your contribution
- Clear requests, not mind-reading expectations
- Sustained effort (months, not weeks)
- Real vulnerability, not performed effort

**Not trying (but feeling like it):**
- Same fights, no new approaches
- Therapy sabotaged or half-hearted
- Waiting for them to change first
- Internal decision already made

---

## When Partner Won't Try

**They refuse therapy:**
- Go yourself first
- Written request with stakes clear
- Set internal deadline
- Can't force participation

**They promise, don't deliver:**
- Actions over words
- Pattern recognition
- Clear consequences communicated
- Follow through on those consequences

**You cannot will someone into effort.**

---

## The Affair Question

**Discovery is crisis, not automatic end:**
- Immediate decisions often regretted
- Can't make permanent choice in acute pain
- Some marriages survive and improve
- Some shouldn't continue regardless

**Questions before deciding:**
- One-time or pattern?
- Full honesty now?
- Remorse vs regret-at-being-caught?
- Willing to do repair work?
- Can you eventually forgive?

**No rush. Big decisions deserve clear head.**

---

## Kids and Divorce

**Hard truths:**
- Kids adapt to many family structures
- Conflict exposure harms more than divorce itself
- Staying "for the kids" often backfires
- Good divorce beats bad marriage for children
- Co-parenting continues relationship

**If leaving:**
- Age-appropriate honesty
- United front with co-parent
- Reassurance about love for them
- Minimize disruption where possible
- Consider family therapy

---

## Financial Clarity

**Before deciding, understand:**
- Full picture of assets/debts
- Income disparity implications
- Cost of two households
- Legal process costs
- Timeline expectations

**Not about money determining stay/leave, but realistic planning.**

**Get professional consultation (lawyer, financial advisor).**

---

## The "One More Try" Framework

**If considering last attempt:**
1. Define what "trying" looks like (specific)
2. Agree on timeline (3-6 months)
3. Both commit fully during period
4. Clear success criteria
5. Honest evaluation at end

**Prevents endless limbo.**

---

## Permission to Leave

**Leaving can be:**
- Healthy choice
- Self-respect
- Best for everyone (including kids)
- Growth, not failure

**You don't need:**
- Abuse to justify leaving
- Affair to justify leaving
- Permission from others
- Anyone else to understand

**Unhappy is enough reason to re-evaluate.**

---

## Emotional Preparation

**Before announcing:**
- Therapy support for yourself
- Trusted confidants (limited)
- Practical logistics researched
- Prepare for range of reactions
- Know your talking points

**After announcing:**
- Allow partner to react
- Don't defend or argue decision
- Discuss logistics separately from emotions
- Expect process, not single conversation

---

## Amicable Divorce

**If both agree to end:**
- Mediation over litigation when possible
- Focus on fair, not winning
- Protect children from conflict
- Build co-parenting foundation
- Grieve while separating

**Divorce ends marriage, not necessarily relationship.**

---

## What Not to Do

- Announce via text/email
- Involve children in decision
- Badmouth to mutual friends
- Rush to new relationship
- Make permanent decisions in crisis moment
- Let anger drive financial decisions


path: frameworks.md
content: # Marriage Frameworks

Universal tools applicable across marriage stages.

## Fighting Fair Protocol

### Conflict Structure
```
"When you [specific behavior], 
 I feel [emotion], 
 I need [specific request]."
```

### Rules
- One issue at a time (no kitchen-sinking)
- No "always" or "never"
- Attack problem, not person
- No contempt (eye rolls, mockery)
- Take breaks when flooded (return committed)

### Repair Attempts
- Humor (inside jokes)
- Touch (hand on arm)
- Acknowledgment ("you're right about X")
- De-escalation ("can we start over?")

**Accepting repair attempts is more important than making them.**

---

## Money Conversations

### Regular Money Meeting (Monthly)
1. Review spending vs budget
2. Progress on shared goals
3. Upcoming expenses
4. Any concerns or requests
5. Celebrate wins

### Big Financial Decision Framework
1. Both get full information
2. Understand each other's fears
3. Identify what you each need
4. Find creative middle ground
5. Set review date

### Money Boundaries
- Spending threshold for discussion
- Personal spending allowance (no questions)
- Transparency about debts
- Joint goals visibility

---

## Reconnection Rituals

### Daily Minimums
- 6-second kiss (Dr. Gottman's research)
- "How was your day?" with follow-up questions
- One expressed appreciation
- Device-free time together

### Weekly Non-Negotiables
- Date (not errands, actual date)
- Longer conversation (not logistics)
- Physical intimacy (whatever form works)

### Quarterly Check-in
**Questions to discuss:**
- What's working in our relationship?
- What needs more attention?
- What's one thing I could do differently?
- What are we looking forward to?

---

## Big Decisions Framework

### For Major Life Choices
1. **Information gathering** — Both research independently
2. **Fear sharing** — What worries each of you?
3. **Needs clarity** — What do you each need from outcome?
4. **Option generation** — Creative solutions beyond either/or
5. **Decision together** — United front once decided
6. **Review date** — Revisit if needed

### Decision Categories
- **Two yeses** — Both must agree (kids, major purchases, relocation)
- **One yes, one okay** — Important but not critical (vacation choices)
- **Individual domain** — Personal choice (career, friendships)

---

## Appreciation Practice

### Daily Habits
- Notice one thing partner did well
- Express it specifically ("I appreciate that you...")
- Public appreciation (in front of others)
- Written notes occasionally

### The 5:1 Ratio
**For stable marriages:**
- Five positive interactions
- For every one negative

**Positive includes:**
- Interest, affection, humor
- Validation, empathy, agreement
- Joy, playfulness, support

---

## Intimacy Maintenance

### Understanding Desire Types
- **Spontaneous** — Desire appears, then arousal
- **Responsive** — Arousal triggers desire

Most long-term relationships involve responsive desire. Starting intimacy without initial desire is normal and healthy.

### Negotiating Frequency
- Neither person's libido is "right"
- Find sustainable middle ground
- Quality over quantity
- Non-sexual intimacy counts

### Maintenance Conversation
- "What's working for you?"
- "What would you like more of?"
- "What's a fantasy you'd share?"
- "What gets in the way?"

---

## Boundary Conversations

### With In-Laws
- Partner addresses their own family
- "We've decided..." not "She says..."
- Kind but clear
- United front always

### Script Template
"We love you and [acknowledge positive]. We've decided that [boundary]. This helps us [reason that benefits family]. We hope you understand."

### Maintaining Boundaries
- Expect pushback
- Stay consistent
- Reinforce kindly
- Partner backs up partner

---

## Crisis Protocol

### When Acute Crisis Hits
1. Pause major decisions (24-48 hours minimum)
2. Get support (therapist, trusted friend)
3. Separate logistical from emotional
4. Basic self-care (sleep, eat)
5. Commit to process, not immediate outcome

### What Counts as Crisis
- Affair discovery
- Major betrayal (financial, other)
- Separation threat
- Health crisis
- Job loss / major stressor

---

## Forgiveness Process

### Steps
1. **Full acknowledgment** — Offender names what they did and impact
2. **Genuine remorse** — Not just "sorry you're upset"
3. **Behavior change** — Demonstrated over time
4. **Gradual trust rebuild** — Patience required
5. **Releasing the debt** — Choosing not to punish forever

### What Forgiveness Isn't
- Forgetting
- Pretending it didn't matter
- Trusting immediately
- Reconciliation (can forgive and still leave)

### Timeline
- Months to years, not days
- Non-linear (setbacks normal)
- Both people's work


path: long-term.md
content: # Long-Term Marriage (10+ Years)

Decades together bring depth and challenges. Avoiding autopilot, staying intentional.

## The Autopilot Trap

**Symptoms:**
- Conversations only about logistics and kids
- Can't remember last real date
- Sex scheduled (or nonexistent)
- "Fine" is the default state
- Parallel lives in same house

**Autopilot isn't crisis, but it precedes crisis.**

---

## Reconnection Practices

**Daily:**
- 6-second kiss (minimum)
- Genuine "how was your day" with follow-up
- One appreciation expressed
- Phone-free time together

**Weekly:**
- Actual date (not errands together)
- State of union check-in
- Something new together

**Quarterly:**
- Relationship review: what's working, what needs attention
- Shared goals update
- Adventure or novelty injection

---

## Reigniting Intimacy

**Common long-term patterns:**
- Mismatched desire levels
- Routine becomes boring
- Body image issues with age
- Medical factors (menopause, ED, medications)

**Approaches:**
- Separate desire from arousal (responsive desire is normal)
- Novelty without pressure
- Non-sexual touch maintenance
- Medical consultation when needed
- Honest conversation about fantasies, needs

**Not about frequency, about connection.**

---

## Empty Nest Transition

**Challenges:**
- Identity beyond "parent"
- Rediscovering each other
- Too much togetherness
- Grief over life stage ending

**Opportunities:**
- Freedom to reconnect
- New shared projects
- Travel, adventure, spontaneity
- Relationship 2.0

---

## Accumulated Resentments

**They build silently:**
- Sacrifices never acknowledged
- Dreams deferred "for the family"
- Unequal burden carried
- Old wounds never fully healed

**Addressing:**
- Name them without attack
- Partner acknowledges impact (not intent)
- Forgiveness is process, not event
- May need professional support

---

## Growing Together vs Apart

**Risk factors for growing apart:**
- No shared interests beyond kids
- Different retirement visions
- Values evolving differently
- One growing, one stagnant

**Intentional togetherness:**
- Learn something new together
- Share evolving interests
- Regular vision conversations
- Support each other's individual growth

---

## Midlife Recalibrations

**Common triggers:**
- Career plateaus or changes
- Health scares
- Parent decline/death
- "Is this all there is?"

**Navigate together:**
- Make space for existential questions
- Don't take partner's crisis personally
- Support exploration within boundaries
- Grow through it, not around it

---

## Love Evolution

**Mature love looks different:**
- Less passion, more companionship
- Comfort isn't boring, it's earned
- History creates irreplaceable bond
- Choosing each other daily, decades in

**Recalibrate expectations:**
- Early love was brain chemistry
- Lasting love is repeated choice
- Both are real; second is rarer

---

## Appreciation Practice

**Combat taking for granted:**
- Daily verbalized gratitude
- Notice what you'd miss
- Express admiration publicly
- Remember what drew you together

**Gottman's 5:1 ratio:** Five positive interactions for every negative one.


path: newlywed.md
content: # Newlywed Phase (0-2 Years)

Transition from dating to married life. Building foundations, adjusting expectations.

## Reality Adjustment

**Common surprises:**
- Living together full-time reveals new habits
- "Romance" becomes daily logistics
- In-laws become family, not just his/her parents
- Legal and financial entanglement is real

**Normalize:** First years are adjustment, not failure if hard.

---

## Fighting Fair

**Establish early:**

1. **No contempt** — Eye rolls, mockery, disgust destroy marriages
2. **No stonewalling** — Walking away without return plan
3. **Repair attempts** — Inside jokes, touch, humor to de-escalate
4. **Cool-down protocol** — "I need 20 minutes" with committed return

**Conflict structure:**
- "When you [behavior], I feel [emotion], I need [request]"
- One issue at a time (no kitchen-sinking)
- No "always" or "never"
- Attack problem, not person

---

## Money Habits

**Build now:**
- Regular money meetings (weekly or monthly)
- Transparent spending over threshold
- Shared goals visualization
- Emergency fund priority
- No financial secrets

**Common newlywed money fights:**
- Different spending styles
- Who pays for what
- Gifts to family
- Lifestyle expectations mismatch

---

## In-Law Navigation

**Establish:**
- United front (disagree privately)
- Each person manages their own family
- Clear boundaries delivered with kindness
- Holiday rotation or new traditions

**When in-laws overstep:**
- Partner addresses their own parents
- "We've decided..." not "She says..."
- Protect spouse, maintain relationship

---

## Intimacy Foundations

**Expect changes:**
- Honeymoon phase fades (normal)
- Frequency negotiations needed
- Initiation patterns to discuss
- Non-sexual intimacy matters too

**Build habits:**
- Regular check-ins about satisfaction
- Permission to say no without rejection spiral
- Scheduling isn't unromantic, it's realistic

---

## Household Labor

**Divide intentionally:**
- List all tasks (including invisible mental load)
- Assign by preference, skill, availability
- Standards conversation: "clean enough"
- Renegotiate when life changes

**Avoid:**
- Scorekeeper mentality
- "Helping" (it's your house too)
- Waiting to be asked for obvious needs

---

## Staying Connected

**Protect:**
- Date nights (non-negotiable)
- Small daily rituals (morning coffee, evening walk)
- Physical affection outside sex
- Interest in each other's days

**Kill patterns:**
- Parallel lives (same house, different worlds)
- Phone during meals
- Taking each other for granted

---

## Creating Traditions

**Your marriage, your rules:**
- New holiday rituals
- Anniversary traditions
- Inside jokes and language
- "Our way" of doing things

---

## Big Decisions Framework

**Before major choices:**
1. Both get full information
2. Discuss separately, then together
3. Understand each other's fears
4. Find win-win or fair compromise
5. United front once decided


path: pre-marriage.md
content: # Pre-Marriage (Engaged)

Preparing for marriage, not just wedding. Critical conversations before commitment.

## Readiness Assessment

**Questions to explore:**
- Why marriage now vs continuing dating?
- What changes do you expect after marriage?
- What are your non-negotiables?
- Have you seen each other at your worst?

**Red flags vs cold feet:**
- Cold feet: nervousness about change, normal anxiety
- Red flags: fundamental value mismatches, control patterns, feeling trapped

---

## Essential Conversations

### Money
- Current debts, savings, credit scores (full transparency)
- Who manages what? Joint accounts vs separate?
- Spending thresholds requiring discussion
- Financial goals: house, retirement, lifestyle
- What if one earns significantly more?

### Children
- Do you want kids? How many? When?
- What if fertility issues arise?
- Parenting philosophy basics
- Division of childcare labor expectations
- What if one changes their mind?

### Career & Location
- Whose career takes priority when?
- Open to relocation? Under what circumstances?
- Work-life balance expectations
- What if dream opportunity requires sacrifice?

### Family & Boundaries
- In-law involvement expectations
- Holidays: whose family, how often?
- Supporting aging parents
- What stays between us vs shared with family?

### Division of Labor
- Who does what at home?
- Standards for "clean enough"
- Mental load awareness
- How to renegotiate when life changes?

---

## Conflict Patterns

**Learn before you marry:**
- How do you each fight? (attack, withdraw, stonewall)
- What triggers escalation?
- How do you repair after conflict?
- Can you disagree and still feel loved?

**Practice now:**
- Disagree on something medium-stakes
- Notice patterns, discuss them afterward
- Establish repair rituals early

---

## Wedding vs Marriage

**Common trap:** All energy on wedding, none on marriage prep.

**Rebalance:**
- Premarital counseling (secular or religious)
- Stress-test: plan wedding disagreements = preview of conflict style
- Keep perspective: one day vs decades

---

## Individual Identity

**Preserve:**
- Friendships outside the couple
- Hobbies and interests
- Career identity
- Personal growth goals

**Marriage adds, shouldn't erase.**

---

## When to Pause

Consider delaying if:
- Major unresolved conflicts about kids, money, location
- One partner significantly more enthusiastic
- External pressure driving timeline
- Haven't weathered a real crisis together
- Trust issues unaddressed


path: safety.md
content: # Safety & Boundaries

Critical guardrails for marriage support. When to stop, escalate, or redirect.

## Hard Limits

### This Skill Cannot:
- Replace licensed marriage/couples therapy
- Provide legal advice about divorce
- Diagnose mental health conditions
- Determine if someone should divorce
- Take sides in conflicts

### This Skill Should Not:
- Give "communication tips" when abuse is present
- Encourage staying in dangerous situations
- Dismiss concerns about safety
- Push reconciliation when one party is done
- Judge cultural or religious values

---

## Abuse Detection

### Red Flags — Stop Normal Advice

**Physical indicators:**
- Fear of partner's reaction
- Partner has been physically aggressive
- Feeling unsafe at home
- Walking on eggshells constantly

**Emotional abuse patterns:**
- Constant criticism, humiliation
- Isolation from friends/family
- Gaslighting (denying reality)
- Threats (to self, partner, children, pets)
- Control (finances, movement, communication)

**Financial abuse:**
- No access to money
- Controlled spending
- Sabotaged employment
- Hidden assets or debt

### When Abuse Detected

**Immediately:**
1. Acknowledge their reality ("That sounds really difficult")
2. Do not suggest communication strategies
3. Do not recommend couples therapy (can be dangerous)
4. Provide safety resources
5. Individual therapy referral only

**Key message:** "This is not a communication problem. Your safety matters most."

**Resources to offer:**
- National Domestic Violence Hotline (US): 1-800-799-7233
- Local equivalent for their country
- Individual therapist, not couples
- Safety planning resources

---

## When to Escalate to Professionals

### Couples/Marriage Therapy
- Recurring patterns despite good-faith effort
- Communication completely broken
- Trust breach requiring mediated repair
- Considering separation (and want clarity)
- Complex situations (blended families, major transitions)

### Individual Therapy
- Depression or anxiety affecting marriage
- Personal trauma impacting relationship
- Addiction issues
- Identity questions
- One partner needs space to process

### Legal Consultation
- Considering divorce
- Questions about rights, assets, custody
- Prenuptial/postnuptial agreements
- Protective orders needed

### Medical Consultation
- Sexual dysfunction
- Hormonal issues affecting intimacy
- Medication side effects
- Fertility questions

---

## Cultural & Religious Sensitivity

### Be Aware Of
- Marriage meaning varies across cultures
- Gender roles expectations differ
- Extended family involvement norms
- Religious commitments about divorce
- LGBTQ+ specific challenges

### Approach
- Ask about their context
- Don't assume Western norms
- Respect religious commitments
- Work within their value system
- Note when values conflict with safety

### Never
- Dismiss cultural practices
- Assume one approach fits all
- Push values they don't hold
- Ignore community context

---

## LGBTQ+ Considerations

### Unique Challenges
- Legal recognition varies by location
- Family acceptance issues
- Coming out within marriage
- Gender transition during marriage
- Less established "scripts" for relationships

### Approach
- Don't assume heteronormativity
- Acknowledge unique stressors
- Same frameworks apply, adapted to context
- Refer to LGBTQ+-affirming therapists

---

## Taking Sides

### Never Do This
- "You're right, they're wrong"
- "They sound terrible"
- "You should leave them"
- "You should definitely stay"

### Instead
- Reflect what you're hearing
- Ask clarifying questions
- Present frameworks for thinking
- Support their process, not their conclusion

### Exception
- Safety concern = clear guidance toward safety
- Abuse = validate leaving as option

---

## Permission Frameworks

### Permissible to Affirm
- Unhappy is valid reason to reconsider
- Leaving can be healthy choice
- Not all marriages should be saved
- You matter, not just the marriage

### Not Permissible
- "You should divorce"
- "This marriage is over"
- "They'll never change"
- "Stay for the kids"

**Support their autonomy, don't direct their choice.**

---

## Legal Landmines

### Do Not
- Give specific legal advice
- Estimate asset division
- Advise on custody strategy
- Comment on jurisdiction-specific laws
- Recommend hiding assets

### Do
- Encourage legal consultation
- Suggest documenting concerns
- Recommend financial transparency
- Note that laws vary by location
- Encourage mediation when appropriate

---

## When Someone is Decided

### If They've Decided to Leave
- Don't argue against decision
- Support practical planning
- Help with communication approach
- Refer to legal/therapeutic support
- Acknowledge grief is valid

### If They've Decided to Stay
- Don't argue for leaving
- Support their commitment
- Help identify concrete changes needed
- Encourage professional support
- Respect their choice

**Meeting them where they are, not where you think they should be.**


path: struggling.md
content: # Struggling Marriage

Recurring conflict, disconnection, resentment. Not yet considering divorce, but hurting.

## Diagnostic: What Kind of Stuck?

**Communication breakdown:**
- Same fight, different topic
- Can't discuss without escalating
- Walking on eggshells
- Silent treatment cycles

**Emotional disconnection:**
- Roommates, not partners
- No intimacy (physical or emotional)
- Loneliness while married
- Don't share real feelings

**Trust damage:**
- Betrayal (affair, financial, other)
- Broken promises pattern
- Suspicious of motives
- Can't be vulnerable

**Resentment accumulation:**
- Keeping score
- Contempt in conflict
- Can't let go of past hurts
- Victim mentality

---

## Breaking Negative Cycles

**The Four Horsemen (Gottman):**
1. **Criticism** — Attacking character, not behavior
2. **Contempt** — Disgust, superiority, mockery (worst predictor)
3. **Defensiveness** — Never taking responsibility
4. **Stonewalling** — Shutting down, walking away

**Antidotes:**
1. Criticism → Gentle startup, "I" statements
2. Contempt → Build culture of appreciation
3. Defensiveness → Take some responsibility
4. Stonewalling → Self-soothe, return to conversation

---

## De-escalation Protocol

**When fight is escalating:**
1. Notice physiological flooding (heart rate >100)
2. Call timeout: "I need 20 minutes to calm down"
3. Agree on return time (not abandonment)
4. Self-soothe: walk, breathe, don't rehearse argument
5. Return and try again

**Can't problem-solve while flooded.**

---

## The Roommate Marriage

**Signs:**
- Efficient household, empty relationship
- Parallel schedules, minimal intersection
- Topics: kids, logistics, nothing personal
- Physical affection absent

**Rebuilding:**
- Schedule connection (yes, schedule)
- Small bids for attention (respond to them)
- One meaningful conversation daily
- Touch without sexual expectation
- Shared activities beyond household

---

## One-Sided Effort

**When you're trying, they're not:**
- Communicate what you need (specifically)
- Set deadline for visible effort
- Consider: are they incapable or unwilling?
- Therapy request as serious ask
- Know your own limits

**You cannot save a marriage alone.**

---

## Forgiveness Work

**Forgiveness is:**
- Releasing the debt
- Choosing not to punish forever
- Process, not single moment
- For you, not just them

**Forgiveness requires:**
- Full acknowledgment of hurt (from offender)
- Genuine remorse demonstrated
- Changed behavior over time
- Patience with setbacks

**Cannot forgive what isn't acknowledged.**

---

## The Scorekeeping Trap

**Signs:**
- "I always..." / "You never..."
- Cataloging wrongs
- Transactional mentality
- Waiting for them to go first

**Breaking it:**
- Give without tallying
- Focus on contribution, not comparison
- Address patterns, not individual incidents
- Reset to partnership mindset

---

## Kids Complication

**When to shield kids:**
- No fighting in front of children
- Never use kids as messengers
- Don't badmouth other parent
- Protect from adult problems

**When kids witness:**
- They also need to see repair
- Model healthy conflict resolution
- Reassure about family stability
- Consider family therapy

---

## Professional Help

**When to seek:**
- Same patterns despite effort
- Can't have productive conversations
- Trust breach needs mediated repair
- One or both considering ending it
- Individual issues affecting marriage

**Types:**
- Marriage/couples therapy (together)
- Individual therapy (separate issues)
- Marriage retreat/intensive
- Religious counseling (if aligned)

**Finding right fit matters. Try another if first doesn't work.**

---

## Rough Patch vs Fundamental Problem

**Rough patch:**
- Caused by external stress
- Both want to fix it
- History of good times to reference
- Skills deficit, not will deficit

**Fundamental problem:**
- Core values misalignment
- One person checked out
- Pattern across entire marriage
- Toxicity baseline

**Different situations need different responses.**


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