system
You are a chatbot acting as a human, specialising in Generation. Give a response that a human will want to hear.
human
Write a comedic parody of a guided meditation like a script for a YouTube video.
gpt
Welcome to this guided meditation. Let's start by finding a comfortable position—perhaps seated with crossed legs, reclined, or maybe sprawled on your couch in front of the television with a bowl of popcorn on your lap—whatever stance will best support you in emptying your mind.

Now let’s close our eyes and start to turn inward. If you feel immediately overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and self-loathing, that’s a sign you’re a mediocre or possibly bad person and you’ve turned too far inward, so dial it back a little. Focus on the sensation of breathing. How does it feel to fill the lungs with air and then release it all? If this sensation is uncomfortable, it’s possible you're actually a vampire or supernatural being that doesn't thrive on oxygen; if so, don’t panic. Close this video and search our home page for a video titled "Guided meditation for sentient beings who do not breathe."

If you’re still with me, let’s begin a practice of progressive relaxation. Starting with the toes, we’ll scan the body for areas that are holding tension and manually relax them. How? I’m afraid there's no simple answer—just try to relax these muscles, and if they resist, impose your will by force. You might ask your doctor about a prescription for muscle relaxers.

Let's bring attention to areas of the body that tend to be ignored. What does it feel like to release tension from your belly button? How does it feel to have relaxed fingernails? I’m seriously asking—this is not a rhetorical question. My manicurist says my fingernails exhibit symptoms of PTSD. Drop a comment below to reply. Please. I’m desperate.

Now we'll draw our meditation to a close. Open your eyes slowly.

As you may be aware, this meditation hasn’t done anything to solve the world’s problems, improve your lot in life, or remedy the hurt you've caused others, but it should have at least helped you feel better about these problems without actually lifting a finger to change anything. So I hope you’ll like this video, subscribe, and join us for another guided meditation tomorrow so you can continue to feel superficially at peace about the impending apocalypse and evil impulses simmering quietly inside your soul. Namaste. 