surprise and every surprise must be matter of humiliation to her how to understand it all how to understand the she had been thus on herself and living under i the the blindness of her own head and heart she sat still she walked about she tried her own room she tried the � in place every posture she perceived that she had acted most weakly that she had been imposed on by others in a most degree that she had been imposing on herself in a degree yet more that she was wretched and should probably find this day but the beginning of wretchedness l to understand thoroughly understand her own heart was the first endeavour to that point went every leisure moment which her father s claims on her allowed and every moment of involuntary absence of mind how long had mr been so dear to her as every feeling declared him now to be when had his influence such influence begun when had he succeeded to that place in her affection which frank had once for a short occupied � she looked back she compared the two � compared them as they had always stood in her estimation from the time of the latter s becoming known to her � and as they must at any time have been compared by her had it � oh had it by any blessed felicity occurred to her to the comparison she saw that there never had been a time when she did not consider mr as infinitely the superior or when his regard for her had not been infinitely the most dear she saw that in persuading herself in in acting to the contrary she had been entirely under a delusion totally ignorant of her own heart � and in short that she had never really cared for frank at all this was the conclusion of the first series of reflections this was the knowledge of herself on the first question of inquiry which she reached and without being long in reaching it she was most sorrowfully indignant ashamed of every sensation but the one revealed to her � her affection for mr every other part of her mind was disgusting witli vanity had she believed herself in the secret of everybody s feelings with proposed to arrange everybody s destiny she was proved to have been universally mistaken and she had not quite done nothing � for she had done mischief she had brought evil on on herself and she too much feared on mr were this most unequal of all connections to take place on her must rest all the reproach of having given it a beginning for his attachment she must believe to be produced only by a consciousness of s � and even were this not the case he would never have known at all but for her folly mr and smith � it was an union to distance every wonder of the kind the attachment of frank and jane became commonplace stale in the comparison exciting no surprise presenting no affording nothing to be said or thought mr and smith such an elevation on her side such a on his it was horrible to to think how it must sink him in the general opinion to foresee the smiles the the merriment it would prompt at his expense the mortification and disdain of his brother the thousand to himself could it be no it was impossible and yet it was far very far from impossible � was it a new circumstance for a man of first rate abilities to be by very inferior powers was it new for one perhaps too busy to seek to be the prize of a girl who would seek him was it new for anything in this world to be unequal inconsistent � or for chance and circumstance as second causes to direct the human fate oh had she never brought forward had she left her where she ought and where he had told her she ought had she not with a folly which no tongue could express prevented her marrying the young man who would have made her happy and respectable in the line of life to which she � ought to belong all would have been safe none of this dreadful would have been how could ever have had the presumption to raise her thoughts to mr � how she could dare to herself the chosen of such a man till actually assured of it but was less humble had fewer scruples than formerly her inferiority whether of mind or situation seemed little she had seemed more sensible of mr s being to stoop in marrying her than she now seemed of mr s alas was not tliat her own doing too who had been at pains to give notions of self consequence but herself who but herself had taught her that she was to herself if possible and that her claims were great to a high worldly establishment if from being humble were grown vain it was her doing too till now that she was threatened with its loss had never known how much of her happiness depended on being first with mr first in interest and affection satisfied that it was so and feeling it her due she had enjoyed it without reflection and only in the dread of being found how important it had been long very long she felt she had been first for having no female connections of his own there had been only whose claims could be compared with hers and she had always known exactly how far he loved and esteemed she had herself been first with him for many years past she had not deserved it she had often been or perverse his advice or even opposing him insensible of half his merits and quarrelling with him because he would not acknowledge her false and insolent estimate of her 