this article from URL has been sent to you by khare URL sure does explain fork not yet abandoned rohit khare URL some friends indeed do more harm than good september NUMBER NUMBER by mary duenwald friends are supposed to be good for you in recent years scientific research has suggested that people who have strong friendships experience less stress they recover more quickly from heart attacks and they are likely to live longer than the friendless they are even less susceptible to the common cold studies show but not all friends have such a salutary effect some lie insult and betray some are overly needy some give too much advice psychologists and sociologists are now calling attention to the negative health effects of bad friends friendship is often very painful said dr harriet lerner a psychologist and the author of the dance of connection in a close enduring friendship jealousy envy anger and the entire range of difficult emotions will rear their heads one has to decide whether the best thing is to consider it a phase in a long friendship or say this is bad for my health and i m disbanding it another book when friendship hurts by dr jan yager a sociologist at the university of connecticut at stamford advises deliberately leaving bad friends by the wayside there s this myth that friendships should last a lifetime dr yager said but sometimes it s better that they end that social scientists would wait until now to spotlight the dangers of bad friends is understandable considering that they have only recently paid close attention to friendship at all marriage and family relationships between siblings or parents and children have been seen as more important of course troubled friendships are far less likely to lead to depression or suicide than troubled marriages are and children are seldom seriously affected when friendships go bad as a popular author of relationship advice books dr lerner said never once have i had anyone write and say my best friend hits me dr beverley fehr a professor of psychology at the university of winnipeg noted that sociological changes like a NUMBER percent divorce rate have added weight to the role of friends in emotional and physical health now that a marital relationship can t be counted on for stability the way it was in the past and because people are less likely to be living with or near extended family members people are shifting their focus to friendships as a way of building community and finding intimacy said dr fehr the author of friendship processes until the past couple of years the research on friendship focused on its health benefits now we re starting to look at it as a more full relationship said dr suzanna rose a professor of psychology at florida international university in miami like marriage friendship also has negative characteristics the research is in its infancy psychologists have not yet measured the ill effects of bad friendship dr fehr said so far they have only through surveys and interviews figured out that it is a significant problem the early research dr fehr added is showing that betrayal by a friend can be more devastating than experts had thought how can a friend be bad most obviously dr rose said by drawing a person into criminal or otherwise ill advised pursuit when you think of people who were friends at enron she added you can see how friendship can support antisocial behavior betrayal also makes for a bad friendship when friends split up said dr keith e davis a professor of psychology at the university of south carolina it is often in cases where one has shared personal information or secrets that the other one wanted to be kept confidential another form of betrayal dr yager said is when a friend suddenly turns cold without ever explaining why it s more than just pulling away she said the silent treatment is actually malicious at least as devastating is an affair with the friend s romantic partner as recently happened to one of dr lerner s patients i would not encourage her to hang in there and work this one out dr lerner said a third type of bad friendship involves someone who insults the other person dr yager said one of the NUMBER people who responded to dr yager s most recent survey on friendship described how when she was NUMBER her best friend called her a derogatory name the woman now NUMBER was so devastated that she feels she has been unable to be fully open with people ever since dr yager said emotional abuse may be less noticeable than verbal abuse but it is more insidious dr yager said some people constantly set up their friends she explained they ll have a party not invite the friend but make sure he or she finds out risk takers betrayers and abusers are the most extreme kinds of bad friends dr yager said but they are not the only ones she identifies NUMBER different varieties occupying the second tier of badness are the liar the person who is overly dependent the friend who never listens the person who meddles too much in a friend s life the competitor and the loner who prefers not to spend time with friends most common is the promise breaker this includes everyone from the person who says let s have a cup of coffee but something always comes up at the last minute to someone who promises to be there for you when you need them but then isn t dr yager said some friendships go bad as some romantic relationships do when one of the people gradually or suddenly finds reasons to dislike the other one with couples it can take NUMBER to NUMBER months for someone to discover there s something important they don t like about the other person said dr rose of florida international one might find for example that in subtle ways the other person is a racist in friendships which are less intense it may take even more time for one person to meet the other s dislike criteria whether a friendship is worth saving dr lerner said depends on how large the injury is sometimes the mature thing is to lighten up and let something go she added it s also an act of maturity sometimes to accept another person s limitations acceptance should come easier among friends than among spouses dr lerner said because people have more than one friend and do not need a full range of emotional support from each one but if the friendship has deteriorated to the point where one friend truly dislikes the other one or finds that the friendship is causing undue stress the healthy response is to pull away dr yager said to stop sharing the personal or intimate details of life and start being too busy to get together ever it takes two people to start and maintain a friendship but only one to end it dr yager said friendship because it is voluntary and unregulated is far easier to dissolve than marriage but it is also comparatively fragile experts say ideally the loss of a bad friendship should leave a person with more time and appreciation for good ones dr lerner said it is wise to pay attention to your friendships and have them in order while you re healthy and your life and work are going well she said because when a crisis hits when someone you love dies or you lose your job and your health insurance when the universe gives you a crash course in vulnerability you will discover how crucial and life preserving good friendship is URL how to advertise for information on advertising in e mail newsletters or other creative advertising opportunities with the new york times on the web please contact onlinesales URL or visit our online media kit at URL for general information about URL write to help URL copyright NUMBER the new york times company 