 forwarded by chris wedgwood cw fNUMBERf org from bert NUMBER i was so poor growing up if i wasn t a boy i d have had nothing to play with NUMBER a girl phoned me the other day and said come on over nobody s home i went over nobody was home NUMBER during sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me just the other night she called me from a hotel NUMBER one day i came home early from work i saw a guy jogging naked i said to the guy hey buddy why are you doing that he said because you came home early NUMBER it s been a rough day i got up this morning put a shirt on and button fell off i picked up my briefcase and the handle came off i m afraid to go to the bathroom NUMBER i was such an ugly kid when i played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up NUMBER i could tell my parents hated me my bath toys were a toaster and radio NUMBER i was such an ugly baby my mother never breast fed me she told me that she only liked me as a friend NUMBER i m so ugly my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet NUMBER when i was born the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father i m sorry we did everything we could but he pulled through NUMBER i m so ugly my mother had morning sickness after i was born NUMBER i remember the time that i was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father he said he wanted more proof NUMBER once when i was lost i saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents i said to him do you think we ll ever find them he said i don t know kid there s so many places they can hide NUMBER my wife made me join a bridge club i jump off next tuesday NUMBER i m so ugly i worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big i d get NUMBER i went to see my doctor doctor every morning when i get up and i look in the mirror i feel like throwing up what s wrong with me he said i don t know but your eyesight is perfect NUMBER i went to the doctor because i d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest NUMBER with my old man i got no respect i asked him how can i get my kite in the air he told me to run off a cliff NUMBER some dog i got we call him egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid his favorite bone is in my arm last night he went on the paper four times three of those times i was reading it NUMBER one year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control NUMBER my uncle s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap he was in the electric chair 