Netch Herder's Book of Jokes

Netch Herder's Book of Jokes  
by Hannibal Solorius  
A scruffy-looking netch herder   
  
 
During their Pilgrimage to High Hrothgar, an Altmer, a Dunmer, and a Nord, bickered to no end about whose god was the greatest. At one point, a Dunmer had enough of it, and proclaims:
 
"I will now jump from this rock, and into the abyss, and if Lady Azura wills it, I will be saved!"
 
He jumps into the mist, while the awestruck Altmer and Nord look. After a few seconds, the Dunmer splatters at the base of the mountain.
 
"By Auri-El, what dedication!" cries the Altmer. 
 
He then turns to Nord."Would you be prepared to show that amount of dedication to your Talos, Nord?"
 
"Why certainly!" replies the Nord with a laugh.
 
He then proceeds to throw the Altmer off the cliff. 
 
 
 
A Khajiit walks up to his Bosmer friend.
 
"What are you eating?" he asks.
 
"An Argonian" replies the Bosmer
 
"Why an Argonian" asks the Khajiit, familiar of their traditions, but puzzled as to why his friend would choose such unappetizing meat.
 
"Well," replies the Bosmer, "it’s a holiday season, so I decided to fast."
 
 
 
During his morning route, Ralof noticed that his neighbour Halof is in poor spirit. He decides to cheer him up.
 
"Halof!" he cried "what’s the matter, old friend?"
 
Hearing his neighbour, Halof raised his eyes.
 
"Great misfortune, Ralof," he sighs. "A Khajiit mounted me horse sometime last night."
 
Ralof, bewildered by this, asks:
 
"How do you know it was a Khajiit, Halof?" 
Halof simply sighs:
 
"Me horse is gone, Ralof." 
 
 
While traveling through the ashen wastes of Vvardenfel with his posse, an Altmer noble decided to refresh himself a little. He ordered a stop and to make camp, and went exploring. Soon enough, he found a small lake and in a moment, he was out of his robes and swimming about. However, he soon noticed a young female Ashlander staring at him. Annoyed by this the Altmer yelled:
 
"What are you gawking at, Dunmer scum!?"
 
The Ashlander, seemingly unmoved by his rudeness, replied:
 
"You really shouldn’t be swimming in there, my lord. It is not safe."
 
"Why?" asked the Altmer mockingly. "Are there any slaughterfish here?"
 
"No, my lord,"answered the Ashlander with a smile. "The Dreughs ate them all years ago."
 
 
 
After a great battle in the Reach, the Nords were burning their dead. A Bosmer wandered in there, and upon seeing dozens of pyres, broke into tears and cried.
 
The Nords found it very strange that an elf would cry for the dead Nords, so one of them walked up to him, and asked:
 
"Why do you cry, elf?"
 
Upon hearing this, the Bosmer raised his tearful eyes, and smiled.
 
"How can I not cry, friend? It is not every day that one wanders upon such a feast!"
 
 
 
One night in the inn, Halof was annoyed by a Bosmer loudly bragging about his exploits from his time in the Imperial Legion. During one particularly loud salve of laughter, Halof decided he had enough. 
 
"Can’t you keep it down, elf!?"he bellowed."I’m trying to enjoy my mead." 

The laughter died down instantly. All the faces in the inn turned towards Halof, including the Bosmer, who seemed amused by this.
 
"Oh, forgive me, my good man!" he cried mockingly. "I was just telling my friends here how I survived the Battle of Rihad, where I was cornered by one hundred Alik’r warriors."
 
"And just how did you survive it?" asked Halof, faking his interest, but seeing the opportunity to silence the braggart.
 
"Why, my friend, I killed them all!" replied the Bosmer gleefully.
 
"Really?" asked Halof incredulously. "And here I thought you were simply beneath the cutting level of their scimitars."
 
 
 
What does an Argonian do when he returns home for a back-breaking day of working in the field?
 
His Dunmer master’s laundry, if he knows what’s good for him.
 
 
 
A former Orcish warrior wandered into Solitude, and went straight to the Blue Palace, where he presented himself to Jarl Torygg, and humbly asked for employment.
 
"And what services might you provide us?" asked Torygg.
 
"My Jarl," replied the Orc, "I wish to be your gardener."
 
"My gardener?" asked Torygg, more than a little surprised.
 
"Yes, my Jarl," replied the Orc. "I can promise you that within a month, all of your flowers will have prettier colours and fragrance than those in Dibella’s wreath".
 
Torygg was still doubtful, but at the plea of his wife Elisif, he decided to employ the old Orc.
After a month, it became obvious that the Orc was no liar. The flowers in the garden of Blue Palace were truly pleasant to senses like never before, the fruit was more abundant, and even the bees were more frequent. Amazed by this, Torygg asked for Orc to come before his full court. When the Orc was there, Torygg asked him:
 
"Tell me, father, how do you keep the garden so beautiful? Is it magic?"
 
The old Orc smiled.
"No magic involved, my lord,"he said. "It is merely a matter of me being an Orc."
 
Confused by this, Sybille Stentor asked:
"What do you mean by ‘being an Orc’?"
 
The old Orc smiled even widely to this.
"Simple, my lady. Look at my hands"
 
Sybille looked at his hands, finding nothing out of the ordinary. She lifted her eyes to the Orc’s face, now thoroughly confused. The Orc only laughed.
"Do you not see I have green thumbs!?"
 
 
 
What does a Nord declare when he prepares to cut down a tree?
 
"You will die where you stand!"
 
 
 
How did Dagoth Ur truly die?
 
He suffered a heart attack.
 
 
 
After a long day, Tyerolenmar and his friend Noriducar met in the local inn for a round.
 
"How was your day?" asked Noriducar.
 
"I was called to solve another death case," said Tyerolenmar. "This time it was a Khajiit acrobat. Apparently, he was mauled to death by some were-beasts. They had to carry him off the road piece by piece, even scrape some off the pavement."
 
Noriducar shivered.
"Sounds nasty" he said.
 
"On the contrary," said Tyerolenmar. "He is the first Khajiit in a long time to genuinely make me smile."
 
 
 
A traveling Thalmor Justiciar was assaulted by a pack of wolves. Luckily, three rouges, a Khajiit, a Breton, and a Nord happened to pass nearby, and they scared the wolves off. The Justiciar, overjoyed that he survived stated:
"Thank you, my friends. Know that you saved the life of a high ranking Thalmor Justiciar. And for that, you should be awarded. Ask anything you want, and it shall be yours!"
 
"I would like a manor outside the walls of Solitude," said the Breton.
 
"And so you shall have it!" cried the Justiciar.
 
"This one would not refuse a bit of gold," said the Khajiit.
 
"Yes, yes, of course!" proclaimed a Justiciar, handling the Khajiit his own coinpurse with 1000 septims inside.
 
"Well, let me see. I’d like a bronze statue of yourself, in natural size," said the Nord.
 
"I shall commission it as soon as I reach the Embassy!" said the Justiciar.
 
Uppon reaching the Embassy, the Justiciar told his story and commanded the manor to be built for the Breton, and the statue to be made and delivered to the Nord.
Some time later, that same Justiciar decided to take some time off to visit his benefactors. He first went to visit the Breton, and was shocked to find him sleeping in a tent.
 
"What are you doing here?" asked the Justiciar. "What happened to your manor?"
 
"I gambled it away," replied the Breton.
 
Saddened, the Justiciar went on to find the Khajiit. He found him in the streets of Riften, dressed in rags, and obviously heavily drugged.
 
"By Phynaster, what happened to you!?" exclaimed the shocked Justiciar.
 
"Well, my friend,"answered the Khajiit weakly, "the sugar here is more expensive than in Elsweyr"
 
Now truly saddened, the Justiciar went to find the Nord, already steeling his nerves for what he expected to see. He was shocked however, to learn that the Nord now owned a large manor not far from Windhelm. He travelled there instantly, and was awestruck to indeed find a large, three-story hall, with a little village already growing around it. Inside, he found his saviour, sitting at the table, surrounded by guards and servants Upon seeing the Justiciar, the Nord laughed and happily invited him to a feast that was about to take place.
 
During the entire feast, the Justiciar couldn’t stop wondering how did the Nord manage to hoard such a wealth. He asked many villagers, but none knew the answer.
 
At the end of the feast, the Justiciar went to see the Nord. Upon finding him, he immediately asked:
"My friend, by all the Divines, please! I cannot imagine how did you manage to get so rich. I need not any more wealth than what I already have, but the uncertainty is killing me! Please, tell me."
 
The Nord simply laughed.
"Well, my friend,"he said, "after I received that statue I asked from you, I went to Windhelm and placed it in the main square."
 
The Justiciar was now truly confused.
 
"And?" he asked.
 
"Well, it was rather simple after that," said the Nord. "One septim to spit on it, two to piss on it."