Orcsurance, a One-Act Comedy

(Publisher's note: This short farce originally premiered during an interlude at the birthday party of Llathsa Indarys, a House Hlaalu councillor, in 3E 405. Among the guests was the then-director of the East Empire Company in Kragenmar who reportedly took offence at the play because he felt one of its two characters was based on him. We'll let the reader guess which one.)

The setting is a cave high up on the Velothi Mountains, home to a clan of Malahk-Orcs. On the cave wall is an impressive arsenal of barbaric weapons; on the stone floor there are straws spread and a few small bones. MULLUG, an orcish chieftain, sits at a grinding wheel sharpening a battle-axe. BASILIUS, an Imperial insurance salesman, has climbed the steep steps on the mountainside and arrives at the cave entrance.]

BASILIUS [Out of breath]. Hello. 
[MULLUG takes an uninterested look at the stranger and continues his work.] 
MULLUG [Grunts aside]. Is long climb for skinny man. 
BASILIUS. Is this the Malahk residence? 
MULLUG. Is home cave of Clan Malahk.

[BASILIUS catches his breath and approaches MULLUG with his arm extended, attempting a handshake. MULLUG ignores the foreign gesture.]

BASILIUS. Lovely. I am Basilius Mercater of the East Empire Company. Do I have the privilege of speaking with the head of this household? 
MULLUG. I am Mullug of Clan Malahk. What skinny man say that skinny man is? 
BASILIUS. I am with the EEC. Could you spare a moment from your busy schedule to hear about an offer we have for you? 
MULLUG [Puts the axe away, stands up]. Speak, skinny man of Clan Eeck-Eesh. 
BASILIUS. May I inquire of you as to the status of your insurance plan? 
MULLUG. What is this... insurance? 
BASILIUS. I'm glad you asked. Here's a brochure. [Hands a parchment which MULLUG holds upside down.] As you can see, the East Empire Company's insurance policy is tailor-made, or should I say blacksmith-made, for mercenaries and veteran warriors. It provides protection should you ever have, ahem, a work-related injury. Broken nose, loss of limb, decapitation... you name it, for an annual fee of just 400 septims, we've got you covered. 
MULLUG. Mullug already has protection, has axe and shield. What good is paper? 
BASILIUS. Well, should your axe and shield ever fail you in a combat situation, there's still your family to think of. In an unfortunate event of a violent death our company would, for example, cover all material expenses of the funeral ceremony. Your people have funerals, don't you? 
MULLUG. Yes. Throw body into fire, then throw ashes into woods. 
BASILIUS. I see. Minimalistic and efficient, how trendy. Our company would be more than happy to provide the fire with the most luxurious, high burn rate Argonian ironwood. 
[A beetle crawls on the floor. MULLUG notices it] 
MULLUG. If bug has gold, skinny man would sell insurance paper to bug? 
BASILIUS. Well, hypothetically, yes. If the beetle had a steady source of income and knew how to spell its name, I guess there's no legal reason it couldn't be insured. Why do you ask? 
[MULLUG crushes   beetle with the heel of his foot. He gestures at it.] 
BASILIUS. Oh. 
MULLUG. Explain what good is paper for bug now? 
BASILIUS. Well, let's assume that prior to his crushing the beetle had been blessed with a family. The East Empire Company would pay the family of deceased a predetermined sum of beneficiary gold. 
MULLUG. You pay for dead bug? 
BASILIUS. That is correct. 
MULLUG. So Mullug not have to pay blood-money to Clan Bug? 
BASILIUS. Yes, I suppose, that's one way to look at it. 
MULLUG [Thinks and nods]. Is useful. 
BASILIUS [Relieved]. It is, isn't? I see now you're as much a man of reason as you're a man of action. So, my observant friend, how about we sign some papers now? 
MULLUG. Skinny man has shiny boots. 
BASILIUS. Well, thank you. Real tiger leather, you know. I use Dreugh wax on them. How kind of you to notice. Now back to signing papers... 
MULLUG. You have insurance? 
BASILIUS. Why, of course. I wouldn't be much of an EEC representative if I didn't believe in-- 
MULLUG. So if Mullug kill you, take your shiny boots and throw body into fire, Mullug no have to pay blood-money to Clan Eeck-Eesh?
BASILIUS [Laughs nervously]. That is amusing. You are quite the comedian.

[MULLUG doesn't seem to listen. Eyes his weapons leaning against the wall. Grabs the axe from earlier.]

MULLUG. Mullug knows no joke. 
BASILIUS. Surely, you don't mean-- 
MULLUG. Skinny man run now.

[Both exit, running. A scream is heard.]

[MULLUG enters. He is carrying the shiny boots and the axe, which is now bloody.]

MULLUG [To the audience]. Is useful insurance. Much useful.

[MULLUG throws the boots to the audience. He bows. Exit.]

End.