The Wind from Oblivion

aytime in the   was completely uneventful, and to all the good citizens of the city, it seemed that nighttime would also be lacking in drama. However, nobody could have expected the curry of old and obese Patricia Pudget to have changed all that. It had gone down well, but it was not long before she felt nature's call and stuck her ass out of her window.

The blast of putrid wind which followed shook the very ground. Buildings fell over and caught fire. People choked on the air and wished for death. Half the plants in the arboretum died. But in her house, oblivious to the carnage, Patricia giggled and said, "Ooh, it feels like my ass is on fire" and let it rip a second time.

Little Abadus Falcius heard her comment and yelled, "Well, it is on fire you, old fat cow! What are you doing releasing that stink on the city?"

"I'm a lady," replied Patricia, "so my farts don't stink."

"Well that sure did, you ugly heifer, and your ass still is on fire!", came his response.

So, Patricia left her house to travel to the   to get healing. On the way she observed the city in chaos and wondered what had caused it. She entered the temple and said to the priest, "My ass is on fire. Can you heal it?"

"Well, no, we don't actually do healing here," replied the priest.

"Can't you do something?"

The priest shuddered, hesitated, delayed, and finally gathering his courage said, "I...I...can. I can l-l-l-look at it to...to s-s-s-see if I can do s-s-s-s-something for you."

"Oh, thank you, dear. You are so kind," came her response, and she bent over.

The priest took several minutes to walk around the fat old bag, and when he finally got to her rear he screamed out, "Argh! There's something crawling out!".

And sure enough a hand was in the flames, reaching to pull itself out. Soon another hand emerged, followed by an ear, a head, a body, and finally legs and a tail; and the thing collapsed onto the floor, spluttering and exhausted.

"What is it?", asked the priest.

"I'm a  . Thank you for opening that gate to Oblivion, but next time make sure the gate is larger and doesn't smell so nasty," it said.

"A gate to Oblivion? In Patricia's massive ass?", asked the priest.

The scamp turned around and was mortified to see that it was indeed an ass he had crawled out of, but Patricia indignantly retorted, "My ass is not big, especially in these pants."

The priest asked, "Well, how did this happen? And how can we close the gate?".

The scamp, not at all recovered from its horror, said, "The gate opened when something really unholy happened. This fat mountain of lard must have farted something fierce. I don't know how to close it."

The priest said, "In that case, you'll have to see a mage, Patricia Pudget, to find out how get that gate in your anus closed. But I'm afraid you'll have to go to another city to do it, because the   won't let you in."

And so it was that Patricia Pudget found herself walking to  , the nearest city she could think of. As she walked, the thumping and pushing in her rear got more intense. She walked up a hill and through a ruined castle, where she was confronted by a Khajiit bandit who ordered, "Give me all your money, you gelatinous blob!"

Patricia lifted up the rolls on her stomach and pulled out a little purse, a sight which sent the bandit into a fit of vomiting. She opened it and pulled out 14 septims, one of which somehow fell between her near-conjoined fingers and landed on the ground. "Oops!", she said, "let me just pick that up for you dear."

And so it was that she bent over, and an ogrim fell out of her ass. It roared, got to its feet and then ate the bandit whole before running off after seeing where it came from.

Fourteen scamp, three vermais, six clannfears, two spider daedra and one herne with its awkward horns later, Patricia Pudget arrived at Chorrol. She squeezed through the city gate and came to the mage Florius Borius. "Excuse me dear," she said to him, "there is a gate to Oblivion in my tush and I was wondering how I might go about getting it closed."

"You stupid disgusting pig, to close a gate to Oblivion someone needs to go in there and close it from the inside," he replied.

"Oh, thank you, dear. I hate to impose, but I was wondering if you could squeeze in there and close it for me?", she asked.

"AAH! BY THE NINES, NO!", he screamed and ran off. Patricia chased him out of the city, through the woodlands and down a steep hill. Suddenly, she lost her footing and fell. She landed heavily with a thud and fell through her ass backwards, entering Oblivion herself.

She got up and found herself in a strange land which seemed oddly familiar. She dusted herself off, then noticed a line of daedra coming to where she was. She stood up and said, "Excuse me, you cute little critter. Someone has opened a gate in my ass, and I was wondering if one of you would be a dear and close it."

"Eek! By Dagon!", one of the Churls screamed, "We were lining up to go through the rectum of this ugly amorphous blob? I'll close this gate myself!".

"Thank you, dear," she said as the Churl ran off and disappeared. A few minutes later there was a white glow, and she found herself at the bottom of a steep ridge.

Patricia Pudget stood up, giggled and then walked back to her home in the Imperial City. She entered her house, sat down and ate what remained of her curry. Feeling the call of nature, she walked to her window and stuck her ass out.