A Dunce in Morrowind, vol. 1

It was a cold morning in the West Gash, when Remyn found me standing naked by the side of the road. He gave me a contemptful look, but slowed his pack guars and his walk as he came to me. After staring at me like I was stupid for another minute or two, he finally spoke. 
"Why are you naked, Nord?"

I was rather smug in my response. 
"Ha! I know what you might think, Dark Elf," I said. "You think I saw a comely lass or something, and not realizing she was a witch, I was tricked, hexed, and all my clothing stolen in my sleep." 
"It is a rather common issue with you people." 
"Oh ho! But you see, I am not an average stupid Nord," I said. "I am an educated future noble, from the famous College of Winterhold." 
"Uh huh. And what exactly do you study at the College?" 
"I'm the caretaker for the student dorms." 
"I see." 
"I read their books in the meantime when they aren't looking. Of course, I am not very good at reading. But I come from a very good pedigree. My father was executed by the Jarl, and my mother was five feet tall."

Remyn simply stared at me for a few minutes.

"Why, pray tell, is this a good pedigree?" 
"Well, you see, my father was executed by the Jarl for mercantile fraud, the most wealthy form of crime there is. Surely this must reflect to his intelligence to commit such a profitable crime, no?" 
"No, it  . And your mother?" 
"Yes, she was five feet tall."

I received another stare. Remyn looked away for a moment. He looked to me again.

"So, it was not a witch who fooled you. Why are you naked then?" 
"You see, there was a comely lass--" 
"Okay." 
"--there was a comely lass at the tavern. I was visiting Fort Frostmoth, you see, because I was drowning at the time." 
"You were drowning at the time." 
"Yes, I was drowning, you see, because my boat had been destroyed by dreugh." 
He paused. "I don't understand." 
"I set sail from Winterhold in a boat, you see, headed for Solitude for my cousin's wedding." 
"I am not an expert on Skyrim. But is Dawnstar not west of Winterhold?" 
I chuckled. "Yes, and west I did go, Dark Elf. I've seen many maps in my time. West is to the left. So I sailed left, and would have arrived bright and early in Dawnstar, had it not been for the dreugh that attacked my boat." 
"Wh--" 
"Once I was drowning, I simply used a scroll of Divine Intervention to arrive at Fort Frostmoth, where I caught a boat to Khuul. That's where I met the comely lass I mentioned." 
"I see." 
"Yes, and you see, here is the thing, and it should go to show you how educated I really am. You see, this comely lass, she was rumoured by the locals to be a witch. And wouldn't it be just so expected and stereotypical of a Nord in Morrowind, to think that a woman is a witch just because she's a little unusual? And so I said, no, this woman is not a witch, and I will not be tricked or play into your stereotypes. And so, I went home with her to her odd little camp outside town." 
"Her camp." 
"Yes, had a lot of odd skulls and potions around. While I wasn't looking, some sort of hex was placed on me. I assume she fought as hard as she could to stop my assailant, but alas, I was knocked out, and all my possessions stolen, including my beloved axe, Niptickler." 
"Niptickler." 
"My beloved axe Niptickler." 
"Nipt--" Remyn stopped himself from speaking again. "Okay. You seem a fool, but I am not without sympathy. If you wish, you may accompany me to Ald'Ruhn." 
"Old Run, you say?" 
"Ald'Ruhn. That is a common Western misconception." 
"Ah, you see, it is a common Eastern misconception that it's a common Western misconception."

Remyn paused.

"That's called reverse psychology, you see," I said. 
"There are some clothes in one of the guar's packs. Put something on," he said. "Try not to embarrass me when we get there."

 

Publisher's Note: 
The "Dunce in Morrowind" series, collected and edited by Frolja Silver-Blood, were originally assembled by the Sneezing Horker Historical Society in Winterhold. Winterhold, as a center of magical learning, is rather cosmopolitan for a city in the icy north. 
The Sneezing Horker Historical Society saw its fair share of Dark Elven and Nordic members who were often violently astonished by the ignorance about their respective homelands. 
Serving as an introduction to the Dunmer lands for the Society's Nordic members, the Dunce in Morrowind was a series of skits originally written by the late Ferana Adrethi and acted out by regular members to much laughter and drink.

"The Dunce" can easily be found in Winterhold as one of all too many "nobles" residing in town as prospective College students. Full of bluster, arrogance, and a dash of cunning, they are as much part of the city as they are guaranteed income for the carpenter's guild.