Cyrodiil/How to Befriend a Goblin

Penned by the renowed scholar of goblins 
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   are simple-minded creatures. Indeed, many view them as barbarians, incapable of thought and devoid of sentience, cutting them down without thought or restraint while goading them into attacking their farmholds.

What few realize is that goblins possess a softer, intimate side. They are more than capable of friendship. In fact, I would argue that goblins can prove some of the truest and most loyal, innocent companions one could have. An intrepid goblin-befriender needs only to think like a goblin would and cast aside their prejudices.

"So, how would I befriend a goblin?", you are no doubt asking yourself. Well, allow me to provide the answer.

First, you must be absolutely sure that you have cast aside any presumptions you have. Each goblin is unique, very much an individual; much like any man or mer. You must first come into contact with a goblin, of course. There are numerous ways one might go about this, but I will focus on only the simplest in this text: If you are lucky, you may come across a lone goblin wandering the wilderness. In this scenario, it is very easy to make a new friend. Simply walk up to them and initiate conversation. Of course, you may find this a tad difficult - especially since most goblins do not speak Cyrodilic or any common tongue of Nirn - but you may come to understand the goblin and his or her personality instead via paralinguistic features. For instance, their mannerisms, their facial expression, their gestures. Their forms and their meanings are not unlike our own. If a goblin smiles, you can safely assume that the goblin enjoys your company. If the goblin frowns, you can assume with equal confidence that it finds your company disarmingly droll and uninteresting. Figuring out mutually-accessible methods of communication is one of the most underappreciated secret pleasures of befriending a goblin.

Once your relationship with the goblin develops further, the time has come to establish mutual interests. Goblins, it must not be denied, are not composed of the same intellectual substance as your average Imperial or even Nord (or any of the other most prominent sentient races of Tamriel, for that matter), but they are still capable of a great many tasks and recreational activities. I had great luck teaching my best goblin friend (affectionately named Grimy Greenfingers, for the curious) how to play the common game of Nine-Holes. Others have enjoyed success by partaking in other activities with their goblin companion, including fencing, daring feats of acrobatics, and even pipe-smoking and skooma use. I would, of course, not recommend the latter two, as introducing your innocent goblin friend to such disgusting vices would be incredibly cruel - and, truth told, a drug-addicted goblin, its disheveled, limp form reaching out and begging you for its next dose of sin, is not a pretty sight.

Once you have developed your relationship, one must, as with any non-goblin relationship, set boundaries. Goblins are prone to becoming incredibly intimate with their friends, especially their human or elven friends (most likely because they view such a relationship as a great accolade and honor). One must always designate an appropriate amount of time for socializing with their goblin friend and be mindful of limits. If your goblin friend seems to be getting clingy, I would urge you to reconsider your time allocation and disciplinary techniques. A few stern words and a slap on the wrist may be appropriate for more severe cases.

As an aside, I should also warn you that some goblins have been known to seek romantic relationships with their human and elven friends. If this situation is thrust upon you, I would urge you to decline. As I have learned from personal experience, romantic relations with goblins tend not to end well - both physically and emotionally.

I do hope this tome has been helpful to you, aspiring goblin-befriender. I wish you many happy adventures and memorable moments of happiness with your goblin friend(s) in the years to come!