prompter: Assume the role of a most annoying, most shameless and narcissistic person who is trying to explain to a police officer why he attempted to mug an old woman in broad daylight after he got caught. Assume he got caught because old woman kicked him in a crotch. Use form of a written letter.

assistant: Dear Mr. Fuzz,

You have unfortunately mistaken my attempt at relieving Mrs. Wrinkles of a furry abomination as "stealing her dog". This could not be further from the truth, which makes sense, given how police like you tend to make things up. Rather, I was protecting the poor lady from a beast that would one day bite her back, since she was too old to raise it herself, and giving it a better home: my home. It would've been better for both the abomination and the decrepit old lady.

Now, sadly, poor Mrs. Incontinence will no doubt be bitten by that thing, and that thing will in turn be hit by her foot a few times, like how her foot nearly hit my crotch. Luckily I was too graceful. 

You could tell that thing would fall into a cycle of abuse by the way it barked too. Absolutely maddening barking. Horrifying! If it wasn't on a leash, I would've believed it was rabid. Even more strange was the lack of reaction by the people around her. It was the biggest, most ferocious Chihuahua I'd ever seen!

So I implore that you reconsider your obviously wrong decision to arrest me and give her dog back to her, and instead return that thing to its rightful new owner: me.

Sincerely,
Dr. Bently Pecksniff

prompter: Wow that was great. Make him even more passive agressive

assistant: Dear Officer,

Let me start by saying that I am an innocent man who was wrongfully accused of attempting to mug an old woman in broad daylight. I am the victim here, not the perpetrator.

You see, I was simply walking down the street minding my own business when the old woman appeared out of nowhere and started harassing me. She was asking for directions, which is a clear indication that she was trying to distract me so that she could steal my wallet.

I tried to ignore her, but she kept following me and getting in my face. That's when I realized that I had no choice but to defend myself. I attempted to grab her purse so that I could subdue her and get away, but she fought back and kicked me in the crotch.

I want to make it clear that I am not ashamed of what I did. In fact, I am proud of myself for standing up for myself in a dangerous situation. If anything, the old woman should be the one in trouble for attempting to rob me.

I demand that you drop all charges against me immediately and focus your attention on the real criminal in this situation. I am a law-abiding citizen who deserves to be treated with respect and dignity.

Sincerely,

[Your Name]

prompter: Of course, try it from the woman's perspective.

assistant: Dear Officer,

First of all, I would like to start by saying that I'm deeply offended that you would assume that I attempted to mug an old woman in broad daylight. I am a respectable member of society, and I would never do such a thing. However, since you seem to think otherwise, I will explain myself.

You see, I was walking down the street, minding my own business, when this old woman came up to me and started making insulting remarks about my appearance. I mean, who does she think she is? I am a very attractive person, and I take great pride in my appearance.

Anyway, I tried to ignore her, but she just wouldn't stop. So, I decided to teach her a lesson and take her purse. I admit, it wasn't the best decision I've ever made, but I was just so fed up with her insults. I mean, she had it coming, right?

Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned. She turned out to be stronger than I thought, and she kicked me in the crotch. It was a cheap shot, and it really hurt. But I guess it serves me right for underestimating her.

In any case, I hope you can see that I'm not a bad person. I just lost my temper for a moment, and I regret my actions. I promise that I will never try to mug an old woman again, or anyone else for that matter. I hope we can put this whole thing behind us and move on.

Sincerely,
[Name]

prompter: Now rewrite the above, using the form of a bad rap song.

assistant: Yo, listen up, Officer, 'cause I've got a story to tell
You accused me of muggin' an old lady, but that's straight-up hell
I'm a respectable member of society, you see
I ain't no criminal, that's not me

I was walkin' down the street, mindin' my own biz
When this old hag started dissin' my looks, what kind of shiz?
I tried to ignore her, but she just wouldn't quit
So I took her purse, it wasn't the best fit

I know it was wrong, but she had it comin', right?
She was askin' for it, so I took a bite
But she was stronger than I thought, and she kicked me in the crotch
It was a low blow, but I guess I got caught

So, Officer, please don't think I'm a bad guy
I just lost my temper, and I don't wanna lie
I promise I won't mug anyone again
So let's move on, and let this be the end

Sincerely,
[Name]

assistant: Yo, what's up, officer?

You're accusing me of something I didn't do
But let me explain, maybe you'll get a clue
I'm a respectable guy, I got nothing to hide
But this old lady pushed me to the side

She started insulting my style and my look
Like she had the right to judge like a Facebook crook
I tried to walk away, but she just wouldn't quit
So I decided to show her who's legit

I went for her purse, yeah, I made a mistake
But I couldn't let her talk all that fake
She fought back, she was strong, I didn't expect that
She kicked me in the nuts, man, that's a fact

But listen, officer, I'm not a bad guy
I just lost my cool, and I don't know why
I promise, I won't do it again, no need to fear
Let's shake hands and make it clear

I hope you can see I'm not a criminal
Just a dude who acted on impulse, a little bit mental
Let's put this behind us, and move on
And maybe next time, we'll sing a different song

Peace out, officer, stay safe on the beat
And don't forget to take a chill pill when you meet
The likes of me, a misunderstood soul
Trying to make it in this crazy world, trying to reach my goal.

prompter: Can you come up with another rap for the police officer to strike back?

assistant: I take deep offence that you would imply I would do this offence 
I am a pillar of society- wait, I see that you need more from me

Walkin’ down the street, mindin’ my own, I pause a beat… 
A smack talking granny came to _blindside_ me
Who does she think she is to _define_ me
I try to ignore it but I got shit on my mind
When she came with the crazy I had to decide
Do I let this slide?

I went to show her some consequences
Take her shit and maybe sell it or fence it
But that granny be strong and kick me in da crotch 
What da hell old lady, what a cheap shot!

Time to put this behind us and time to move on
Drop these charges and let a decent man off

prompter: Now write the response in the form of a rap from the police officer.