by Ancapistani | 2025-10-19 18:03:40+00:00
I have a lot to say on this topic, but need some time to get my thoughts together before they’re coherent enough to share.

For context: I’m in my early 40s, have been in a technical role for ~20y, and have had a “SWE-equivalent” title for about 15y. My current role is Sr. Staff SWE.

Your comment resonated, though:

> as an introvert all my career I have been afraid of looking dumb

I remember feeling this way very early in my career. I wasn’t so much afraid of looking dumb, but of exposing to my colleagues that I lacked some critical knowledge, likely as a result of my not having a traditional CS education (or a degree at all).

A few years into my career I began to see that people were interested in what I had to say not because of who I was, but because of the way I presented the concepts. If I came at a problem openly, was clear about what I was and was not confident in, and spoke in terms of tradeoffs and balance, others would mirror this behavior and jump in to fill my gaps.

In moving into the staff engineer role, I focused on why some orgs I’d worked for were more effective than others. I came to the conclusion that it was cultural, and therefore also concluded that the way I could make the biggest impact was through building and guiding that culture.

I make it a point to ask “dumb questions”. Often I already know the answer, but have identified that if I were wrong there it would have an outsized impact - so I explicitly challenge those preconceptions and ask for argument.

I’m constantly telling people at all level (but especially those more junior who seem to speak up less) that asking those questions is important. I reach out to them early and directly, and offer to always be willing to ask questions that they’re afraid to ask on their behalf, and without attribution. If it ends up making a positive impact, I immediately and publicly give them credit. If it’s not well-received, I own it. There have been a couple of times that I’ve refused to tell leadership who a question like that originated from because they were looking for a scapegoat. I actually lost a job by doing that before I reached “staff” level (or perhaps before staff engineers were a commonly-understood concept?), and don’t regret it.

These days I work for a company whose culture doesn’t look like a good fit for me at all. I’m in a very red state, steeped in that culture (though not the politics - long and irrelevant story), and expected quite a bit of friction. What I found was that I could lean in to the “blameless/egoless” paradigm and make it work for me, and in the process make it a more effective organization as a whole. Now I find my self saying things like “I know you’ve hear this before, but I mean it: you can treat this as a safe space. I want to help our org succeed, and I want to help you succeed. I’ll do everything I can to protect you from the politics, help you grow as an engineer and as a professional, and be happy. If that means tapping my network to find places fro you to interview because you’re not happy here, I’ll do it.” - and I’m saying it as a big bearded dude with a deep Southern accent and absolutely no shame.

To put it another way - I’ve reached the point in my personal and professional life where I know exactly who I am. I’m not threatened by what others think of me, and am confident in my abilities to the point that I want to be aware of and clearly communicate my shortcomings so I’m as effective as I can be.

We all have moments where we don’t know (or can’t remember) something we should know. I’ve gone from being ashamed of that as a junior to seeing it as an opportunity to demonstrate that it’s normal and an accepted part of our company’s culture at the staff level.

The more senior an engineer is, the more important demonstrating difficult but necessary actions becomes. It makes you more effective as an individual and is essential for building effective teams.