by ajkjk | 2025-10-02 14:57:09+00:00
I can't shake the feeling that the whole ontology here is subtly-yet-totally wrong. Sure: all of the symptoms and conditions here are real; the characterization of the conditions is true; the categorization of people into "those who have this condition" and "those who don't" (or as a gradation) is true. Even the "essentialization" of it, the idea that these people can't change the way they are, that's mostly true also. And yet... it's all wrong somehow. Something about this model misses the entire nature of what's going on, and thinking in this way makes it impossible to fix it, and this sort of logic is making everything worse in some fundamental way.

One reason I believe this is that my own experience is that I go into and out of this state. When I'm unhappy and unfulfilled, I find that I can't adapt to new information, and noises stress me out, and getting through the day is draining, and being around other people requires masking. When life is going better, everything seems more manageable, when I'm able to relax... all the symptoms subside again. But the state where the symptoms are real can last for months or years, because it's so hard to find the path out. It is like the feeling of being in a relationship that's not going well but not so badly that you've found a justification for breaking up. Your whole mind shuts down and you can't put your finger on why... but then later, after a breakup, or maybe some time later, you wake up and realize that that wasn't actually you; you were sick somehow, starved of something essential to being yourself and unable to perceive what was going on.

The world feeling "hopeless" induces this in me, and I think everyone around me also. More political polarization; more people seeming disconnected or unempathetic; urban ennui and disenchantment and corporatization---these all make it worse. It feels impossible for some people to grow and change in a world that feels rigid instead of fluid; that expects them to already "be there" and judge them or react with confusion to them if they're not. Whereas a dynamic environment, where people are curious about each other, where they show compassion and empathy to new people or any one who is struggling... that seems to allow them to open up and change and grow.

"Essentializing" this condition is harmful: you are not essentially broken; you are broken vis-á-vis the world around you, but it can be due to problems with the world instead of you. Actually there is something very very wrong with how the world works. People and institutions and norms are supposed to set up an environment in which nobody feels like this, but they don't, so everyone is "sick". I like to call this "The Virus". The Virus is a condition that almost everyone has---it's the virus of being closed off, nervous, and unable to open up with strangers in a way that makes them feel comfortable and able to grow. When everyone in a community has the Virus, other people around them don't get the ability to change and heal and grow the way they need to, so they get the Virus too, and spread it on. It's a condition of omission: it is only really possible to be healthy in an environment where the majority of people around you are also healthy, and when 90% of people are unhealthy, the last 10% follow inevitably. Hence the Virus is contagious, even though it's not a "physical" condition.

The trap of it is that everyone is masking, and at different skill levels. The people who mask well seem "fine", although they are not, which makes the people who mask less well feel like something is horribly wrong with them. Since nobody is able to conceptualize what is happening, they search desperately for explanations, and "autistic and/or ADHD" is the most agreeable model they find. It's wrong, but in the setting where nobody has a better model, it's the best you can do--at least it explains and justifies their immediate needs.

"Something is wrong with me, and you can't understand it because our minds work differently, but I need you to accomodate it." True, entirely, yes, but not the best model. "Something is wrong with all of us and we need to blow this paradigm up and change it to a new one so that everyone can flourish" would be a better model that would actually have a hope of succeeding.

I believe that the above characterization is true, and I believe that it's important to believe it's true, because "essentializing" the condition locks you out of the inductions that actually have a chance to do something about it. If you believe it's in your head, then you can cope by trying to adapt, but you're doomed to mostly fail because it's not actually in your head. Whereas if you believe it's a problem in the world, then the natural conclusions are things like "How do I start to change the world around me? How do I protest the way it is? How do I get people on board with changing it also?" And that's going to be more productive, long-term. Revolt, damnit. The thing to be talking about is how to do something about it. Coping is just coping.

in short, please join my revolution, stop calling yourself autistic, call the world around you fucked up. I am so sure that many of the people who call themselves autistic would thrive if the people and institutions around them weren't so devoid of human warmth and connection and dignity. Probably you've even experienced that -- in school or in some other setting in your life. Probably the reason you feel so broken now is that you vaguely remember what it felt like to flourish and you're floundering at figuring out why it's so hard to find again. It's because the world is broken as shit! It's the Virus! Everyone has it! You would be fine if they didn't; if the world wasn't broken! You've been fine before! That's not a lie; you're not broken; you're suffering because you're not getting anything like oxygen for your soul and you're suffocating in that feeling but nobody around you is even able to acknowledge it.