by morpheos137 | 2025-08-07 02:27:15+00:00
I can make a list of 30 agenda items and then just don't do them. The emotional drive to motivate action is broken for me. I just do what I am interested in unless i am forced by some urgent external factor to do otherwise. I can prioritize and evaluate but I can't act on priorities except when urgent then its a day late and a dollar short and i muddle along through life. I think its lack of fear of consequences.

Maybe i have Asperger's syndrome but i don't know. My experience has been Asperger's people are very emotional and attached to their special interests.

I am not attached to anything. I am not materialistic. The main thing that drives me to muddle along through life poorly is a dull fear of catastrophic consequences if i just do nothing but read and post on news.ycombinator.com all day. Somewhat metonymous symbolic or facetious statement there.

My feeling is I unfortunately have many of the emotional regulation deficits of a psychopath BUT I lack the history or bad motivations that would result in me getting in trouble. I really have a hard time caring about people including myself and I also don't care enough to want to harm people and am not needy enough to need to get something at their disadvantage. I find it is usually not necessary to lie and i see lying as necessitated by a weakness when I observe others lying. If I had a strong ego and strong needs then I could lie to get what I want but in most situations I don't.

I do not think I have trouble reading people or with non verbal cues. sometimes I talk too much and am disinhibited but I don't think I have the social skills deficit that Asperger's people have. In fact I have such good social skills people usually love me at first but because I am not a team player and don't care about consequences I make subtle choices that result in people distrusting me in terms of "will he do this task reliably?" or "do his goals align with the team or does he just not give a shit?"

Thus my masking is poor. I think I lack internal motivation and executive control to have a good mask. To play the game of life in a workplace environment. But I believe in contrast to Asperger's people I understand very well how social processes work as they are working.

I am often not a great listener but can be depending on the person or topic. I think a lot of this is genetic. My parents are bad listeners and also have a degree of narcissism I do not. I have read the amount a person talks and interrupts others correlates with primary psychopathy and I think that is a strong genetic component in both sides of my family versus my experience with others. I often act altruistically because for me it is easy and I don't have an ego to protect. That's why people like me at first. I am open to everyone and treat everyone good. I don't usually get into conflicts with others unless they unjustly try to control me. Disrespect or being slighted doesn't bother me. In fact I am so laid back people often try to push me around. I am able to understand how people work internally but it is very alien to how I work internally and it shows through.

Another part of it is socialization. Because of my social connection deficit, possibly latent social anxiety, and because of a communication disorder I have missed many of the socialization milestones so I don't have a common ground of a lived life to share with others. Like hobbies or family. My hobby is thinking and making things and fixing things and I have no family of my own.

I don't care about social identities. I don't care about who someone I am working with sleeps with or what their politics or beliefs are or whats important to them.

I find people have all these strongly held opinions about all areas of life. Likes, dislikes, pleasures, hates, that don't matter to me. That lack of content makes me hard for others to understand I think more so than for me to understand them.

I think most people are living successfully because they choose a course through the options available in the world. I don't care and sometimes that on it's own alienates me or prevents me from connecting with others.

Maybe it is Asperger's and refractory depression from pervasive isolation but i don't know. I have never felt emotional attachment to a political cause. I have never felt emotional attachment to most other causes. When i feel part of a group or that I can go somewhere with a job it inevitably rejects me over time.