I may be beyond redemption
by justanything | 2025-07-12 13:30:19+00:00
I am ashamed to even type all of this...again. I have had a few rants before on HN and reddit.

It seems like I cannot improve or get better at all, I have been stuck literally doing nothing for a decade, like literally, I am not even kidding.

My parents are great people, great is an understatement, I had a great upbringing, hard work and academics was always emphasized. I didn't do shit though, just daydreamed about it.

I have been interested in tech for a looong time but I would just read about it, daydream about using it for awesome purposes, maybe try to learn it a bit and it would seem too hard and I would think, "eh I will start tomorrow" and go consume something that provided instant gratification. Years literally passed, and that never happened. I got through middle and high school because my parents literally dragged me through it, got a degree from a degree mill, again because of my parents all this while daydreaming and deep in delusions about how I was gonna learn a lot and get a great tech job while only attempting to learn for a little bit before going back to wasting time.

No matter how high the stakes are, I don't do shit, my head is messed up. That's not even the worst part, the worst part is my parents who are objectively good people got mega fucked wasting time and money on me, all for this cowardly excuse of flesh, blood and betrayal. I once used to believe in god of an organized religion but no such entity obviously exists, otherwise I would have thrown myself off a mountain hoping my parents were rewarded in the afterlife at least.

I never dreamed or intended for myself to end this way, and my parents did warn me about turning out exactly as this kind of person. Honestly, I am not even a person, something much lesser and vile.

Along with the legendary procrastination, I have always had this resistance and fatigue to doing "stuff", both cognitive tasks and otherwise. I have never been able to conquer it, no matter what routines or schedules or discipline I tried, I ended up failing.

I wish I had terminated myself a long time ago, or just never existed. If someone secretly holds a time machine, can you please lend it to me? I wanna go back and erase any means that would ever lead to my existence, please.

There is no hope for me making money, even less so, wealth. This constant laziness, zero sense of conscientiousness, shamelessness is not going away and you may think because I "realized" it now, I can do bettter. I have had this "realization" many times but it ends up going nowhere and I default to the shithead person I am.

What do I do? I need a lot of money so I can pay back my parents who have been with me through all this, patiently. Is there something I can do that can net me some millions, no matter how degrading? I have already shown I have no capacity to learn or do any knowledge work or anything necessary to make decent money, much less millions. AI means I am too late to get into tech either way.

Again, if anyone has access to a time machine that can erase my existence or something I can do to make millions I would appreciate if you would let me know because I am utterly devoid of change or redemption. Please, anyone

EDIT: I know this is insane and dumb, but who knows what can happen? It may catch the eye of some billionaire who wants to do something society considers "unconventional" or whatever. I don't mind, I just need money.