Different Types of Love in Polyamory: Between Primary and Secondary

Polyamory is a relationship model where every partner involved in the relationship practices or consents to the practice of multiple simultaneous relationships. Polyamory typically consists of at least two partners, and the most common model is the primary-secondary relationship. Previous research found higher intimacy, commitment, and investment in primary relationships, while greater sexual frequency and satisfaction in secondary relationships (Mogilski, Memering, Welling, & Shackelford, 2015; Mitchell, Bartholomew, & Cobb, 2014; Balzarini, Campbell, Holmes, Lehmiller, Harman, Kohut, & Atkins, 2017). As these relationship outcomes are related to romantic attraction, passionate love, companionate love, and jealousy, the purpose of the study was to investigate the differences in feelings of love and jealousy towards primary partners compared to secondary partners. Two hundred and twenty-six self-identified polyamorists, who were above the age of majority and had at least two partners (one as primary and another as secondary) were included in the study. Participants completed a survey, which included a Romantic Attraction Scale, a Passionate Love Scale, a Companionate Love Scale, and a modified Jealousy Scale testing for emotional and sexual jealousy. Participants were recruited through online polyamorous groups and social media. Consistent with the hypotheses, results showed higher companionate love and emotional jealousy for primary partners than secondary partners. However, results for passionate love and romantic attraction were contrary to predictions, both resulting higher for primary partners than secondary partners. Running head: DIFFERENT TYPES OF LOVE IN POLYAMORY 3 Acknowledgment and Dedication I would like to thank Rhonda Balzarini for the inspiration, support, and encouragement throughout this project. There are no words to express my gratitude for your help and patience. You have been an incredible mentor. Thank you for the guidance over the course of this project. Running head: DIFFERENT TYPES OF LOVE IN POLYAMORY 4 Different Types of Love in Polyamory: Between Primary and Secondary Love is a popular topic that has been studied for a long time, therefore there is an extensive literature on love, including types of love, relationship outcomes, and jealousy (Masuda, 2003; Buss, Shackelford, Kirkpatrick, Choe, Lim, Hasegawa, Hasegawa, & Bennett, 1999). However, most research has focused on monogamous relationships and little has focused on Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM), although more studies are slowly emerging. CNM is an umbrella term that refers to the explicit agreement between partners in a romantic relationship that they can enter romantic or sexual relationships with other people. Approximately four to five percent of Americans currently practice some form of CNM (Rubin, Moors, Matsick, Ziegler, and Conley, 2014). Forms include swinging (i.e. sexual encounters with other couples without emotional involvement), open relationships (i.e. casual sexual encounters), and polyamory. Polyamory is a model where individuals involved in a relationship can love multiple people, in a romantic sense, and can maintain multiple relationships simultaneously, if all partners involved agreed to do so (Barker, 2005). Some of the most common forms of polyamory are primarysecondary relationships, polyfidelity, v-structures, and poly “webs” or families. In primarysecondary relationships, the primary relationship is the main relationship and is prioritized over secondary relationships. In polyfidelity relationships, there are three or more partners in a relationship with all the partners involved, often is characterized by triads, three-partner relationships, or quads, four-partner relationships. In v-structures, one individual has equal involvement with two other partners who are not in a relationship with each other. And in poly “webs” or families, it is an involvement of extended relationships with other individuals, who are unspecified (Labriola, 2003; Barker, & Langdridge, 2010). Amongst the various models, the most popular model of polyamory is the primaryRunning head: DIFFERENT TYPES OF LOVE IN POLYAMORY 5 secondary model. More than one third of individuals self-identifying as polyamorous reported having a primary-secondary model as their current relationship status (Barker, 2005). Primary relationships are similar to monogamous relationships, and they are mostly practiced by married couples and couples in long-term relationships. Primary partners share a household, finances, and children. Primary partners dedicate more time to each other compared to secondary partners (Mitchell, Bartholomew, & Cobb, 2014; Labriola, 2003; Sheff, 2013). Additionally, polyamorists reported being in a relationship with their primary partner much longer than with their secondary partners (Mogilski, Memering, Welling, & Shackelford, 2015; Mitchell et al., 2014; Balzarini, Campbell, Holmes, Lehmiller, Harman, Kohut, & Atkins, 2016). Primary partners decide to make their main relationship a priority over other relationships. As a result, secondary partners do no have equal say in decisions or negotiations for their needs and wants if these conflict with those of a primary partner (Labriola, 2003). Compared to primary partners, secondary partners do not share finances, do not share a household, receive less time compared to primary partners, have less authority in making decisions or defining relationship rules, and have to coordinate schedules depending on the needs of the primary relationship. Moreover, some primary partners hold veto power, meaning that they have the power to take away their primary partner’s freedom to begin a relationship with a new person, regardless of the reason (Labriola, 2003; Sheff, 2013). The differences in time commitment, decision making, priority, and investment might create a hierarchical structure in a primary-secondary relationship, and previous research has shown that there is a distinction between primary and secondary relationships based on these hierarchies. Previous Research on Comparisons between Primary and Secondary Relationships Polyamory has been studied only in the last decade, therefore previous research is Running head: DIFFERENT TYPES OF LOVE IN POLYAMORY 6 minuscule compared to monogamy studies. CNM challenges the norm of a heterosexual monogamous relationship model that has been in practice for centuries and has been the only relationship model that most people know (Barker, 2005). This lack of knowledge might be difficult for the general population to accept, as they believe that monogamy is the only way to practice romantic relationships. Furthermore, the media has depicted any kind of non-monogamy as unfaithful individuals who face severe consequences, such as movies like Unfaithful and Fatal Attraction (Barker, 2005). This lack of knowledge and negative media depiction may have stigmatized polyamorists. In fact, 28% of the individuals being surveyed felt discrimination in the past 10 years (Fleckenstein, Bergstrand, & Cox, 2012). More exposure to polyamory will help the public understand its structure and dynamics, feel less discrimination towards polyamorists, and help polyamorists choose their relationship model more freely and do what is best for them. With more research, researchers can fill in this gap in the literature. In the past two decades, polyamory was researched as a broad topic. Recently, researchers have begun to make direct comparisons between partners within a polyamorous relationship on various relationship outcomes. Precisely, they have addressed the differences between partners in primary-secondary relationships, the most common model in polyamory. The results of these studies were consistent; participants reported higher commitment, investment, intimacy, better communication, support, and need fulfillment with their primary partners compared to their secondary partners. Additionally, primary partners were viewed as more desirable long-term partners than secondary partners, as well as recipients of a higher number of partner retention behaviours than secondary partners (i.e. giving public signals their partner is already in a relationship; Mogilski et al., 2015). On the other hand, participants reported greater sexual frequency, and greater sexual need satisfaction with secondary partners Running head: DIFFERENT TYPES OF LOVE IN POLYAMORY 7 than with primary partners (Mogilski et al., 2015; Balzarini et al., 2016; Mitchell et al., 2014). These results suggest that secondary relationships might be more sexual in nature than primary relationships, and that primary and secondary partners might fulfill different roles in a polyamorist’s love life. Previous research has suggested that primary relationships follow similar trajectories to those of monogamous relationships in the amount of investment, commitment, and intimacy (Mogilski et al., 2015) that would increase over time but a likely decrease in passion (Wojciszke, 2002). This lack of passion could be possibly filled with the presence of the secondary relationships, since there was greater reported sexual satisfaction and sexual frequency with secondary partners compared to primary partners (Mogilski et al., 2015; Balzarini et al., 2016; Mitchell et al., 2014). The researchers want to examine whether there are differences in the type of love that people feel for each of their partners. Romantic attraction, passionate love, and companionate love will be compared between primary and secondary partners. Moreover, the researchers want to explore whether the different roles of their partners affect the type of jealousy, emotional or sexual, polyamorists feel for each partner depending on the type of their relationship involvement.