Applying Theories of Communal Motivation to Sexuality

One important but challenging aspect of maintaining a satisfying romantic relationship is keeping the sexual spark alive. Research suggests the importance of a couple’s sexual connection in the maintenance of their relationship, but sustaining high levels of desire for a partner over the course of time can be difficult. In the current review, we argue that one novel approach to understanding how couples might maintain desire and satisfaction over the course of time in their relationships is applying theories of communal motivation to the domain of sexuality. In this line of research, we have demonstrated that people high in sexual communal strength – those who are motivated to be non-contingently responsive to their partners’ sexual needs – are able to sustain higher sexual desire over the course of time and navigate sexual disagreements in a way that maintains both partners’ relationship quality. Future research directions include broadening the view of sexual needs to include the need to decline or reject a partner’s sexual advances and investigating how partners manage unmet sexual needs. Consider the following description of a long-term couple. Jack and Elaine have been married for nearly 10years and have two young children, and both work outside the home. Although they respect each other, have common interests, and share household tasks, over time, their passion and desire for each other have waned. They often disagree about when and how frequently to engage in sex and when sex does occur, it is often done begrudgingly. They long to reignite the sexual spark they had earlier in their relationship. Popular media messages about sex in relationships would suggest that an important route to maintaining a satisfying sex life involves mastering specific sexual techniques. For example, advice in popular women’s magazines might tell Jack and Elaine about the importance of expanding their sexual repertoire, perhaps advising that they introduce sexual props such as sex toys and lingerie (Menard & Kleinplatz, 2008). Echoing these popular media messages, in research on sexual desire in relationships, clinicians and researchers have primarily focused on examining the associations between individual attitudes and sexual desire. For example, among older adults, a person’s attitude about the importance of sex is a stronger predictor of their sexual desire than healthrelated factors, such as illnesses, hormonal changes, or medication (DeLamater & Sill, 2005). Previous research has found that less sexual guilt (Woo, Brotto, & Gorzalka, 2011) and more positive feelings about one’s own body (Seal, Bradford, & Meston, 2009) are associated with higher sexual desire for a relationship partner. With some notable exceptions (e.g., Rosen, Bergeron, Lambert, & Steben, 2013; Rosen, Bergeron, Leclerc, Lambert, & Steben, 2010), the existing research and popular media messages might suggest that Jack and Elaine should focus on their own individual attitudes about sex, place more value on sex, and become more comfortable with their sexuality as a route to addressing the sexual issues in their relationship. What is limited in the research and common discourse on the maintenance of sexual desire in long-term relationships is a partner-focused or © 2016 John Wiley & Sons Ltd prosocial perspective to understanding how couples can maintain desire over time. This perspective suggests that in addition to accepting and pursuing one’s own sexual pleasure, relationship partners can learn to focus on the experience of giving to each other and delighting in one another’s pleasure. A growing body of research on the psychology of close relationships focuses on the benefits of giving to others. Prosocial behavior, such as providing care to others when in need, is associated with many benefits, not only for the recipient of this care but also for the giver (Canevello & Crocker, 2010; Crocker & Canevello, 2008; Kogan et al., 2010; Le, Impett, Kogan, Webster, & Cheng, 2013). In the current review, we discuss our work applying the social-psychological theory of communal motivation – which stipulates the importance of norms involving giving to a partner based on need without the expectation of direct reciprocation (Clark & Mills, 2012) – to the domain of sexuality and present evidence that a communal approach to sexual relationships is one novel way that we can better understand how couples maintain sexual desire and satisfaction, as well as how romantic partners sustain feelings of connection, even during times when desire and sexual satisfaction are low. The Importance of Maintaining Sexual Desire and Satisfaction in Romantic Relationships Sexuality is a key factor that shapes the quality of romantic relationships (see reviews by Impett, Muise, & Peragine, 2014; Muise, Kim, McNulty, & Impett, 2016). Research has consistently demonstrated that people who are the most satisfied with their sex lives are also the most satisfied with their romantic relationships (e.g., Brezsnyak & Whisman, 2004; Byers, 2005; McNulty, Wenner, & Fisher, 2014; Yeh, Lorenz, Wickrama, Conger, & Elder, 2006). Despite the importance of sex for relationships, couples face numerous challenges to having and maintaining a satisfying sexual relationship. Empirical research reveals that sexual desire tends to peak in the beginning stages of romantic relationships as intimacy is rapidly developing (Baumeister & Bratlavsky, 1999) and then often declines over time as partners become more secure and comfortable in the relationship (see review by Impett et al., 2014). As a result, romantic partners will inevitably encounter times when their sexual interests differ (Impett & Peplau, 2003; O’Suliivan & Byers, 1996), and many long-term couples find themselves in situations in which they have divergent sexual interests (Davies, Katz, & Jackson, 1999; Mark, 2012; Mark & Murray, 2012). For example, couples may disagree about how frequently to engage in sex or the particular activities in which they would like to engage (Byers & Lewis, 1988; Davies et al., 1999; O’Suliivan & Byers, 1996). The importance of sex for the quality of relationships, coupled with the challenges that many couples face maintaining desire and satisfaction over the longer term, highlights the need to understand how couples can maintain and reignite sexual desire and have better sex lives and relationships. Indeed, although sexual desire tends to decline or waver over the course of a relationship on average (Call, Sprecher, & Schwartz, 1995; Sims & Meana, 2010), desire does not decline for everyone (Acevedo &Aron, 2009), and not everyone experiences accompanying declines in relationship satisfaction (Sims & Meana, 2010). Even for the many romantic partners who experience discrepancies in sexual desire or have divergent sexual interests, some are able to navigate these differences with greater success and maintain satisfaction even in the face of sexual disagreements. The close connection between sexual and relationship quality means that good sex is one powerful mechanism for enhancing relationships. When couples can successfully navigate sexual issues and maintain a strong sexual connection over the course of their relationships, feelings of closeness and intimacy in the relationship can be strengthened (Rehman et al., 2011). 456 Sexual Communal Motivation © 2016 John Wiley & Sons Ltd Social and Personality Psychology Compass 10/8 (2016), 455–467, 10.1111/spc3.12261 Applying Communal Theory to Sexuality One novel approach to understanding how couples might maintain desire and satisfaction over the course of time in their relationships involves applying theories of communal motivation to the domain of sexuality. Theories of communal giving suggest that in communal relationships – such as those we have with family members, romantic partners, and close friends – people provide care non-contingently; that is, they give care to each other with little concern for what they will receive in return. In contrast, in exchange relationships, benefits are given with the expectation of direct reciprocation, with partners tracking benefits in order to keep things even (Clark &Mills, 2012; Mills & Clark, 1986). Romantic partners indicate that following communal norms (i.e., giving benefits to improve a partner’s welfare), as opposed to exchange norms (i.e., giving benefits with the expectation that similar benefits will be reciprocated), is ideal in long-term relationships as they create opportunities for couples to engage in mutually enjoyable activities that meet both partners’ needs (Clark, Lemay, Graham, Pataki, & Finkel, 2010). Although initial research has documented broad differences between communal and exchange relationships, more recent work in this area has shown that across close relationships, people vary in the extent to which they feel responsible for meeting a partner’s needs. Individual differences in the motivation to respond non-contingently to a specific partner’s needs are referred to as communal strength (Mills, Clark, Ford, & Johnson, 2004). For example, people high in communal strength are more willing to be responsive to their partner’s needs and sacrifice for the welfare of the partner and relationship (Kogan et al., 2010). People high in communal strength give to their partner insofar as the personal costs incurred in meeting their partner’s needs are reasonable, and they trust that their partner will be responsive to their own needs when they arise (Mills et al., 2004). Recently, we applied theories of communal motivation to the sexual domain of relationships. Perhaps no other relationship domain involves more dependence between partners than the domain of sexuality, given that the majority of long-term couples are monogamous and therefore cannot – or are not allowed to – get their sexual needs met outside of their current relationship. That is, partners in ongoing, committed relationships often rely on one another