She stood up , smoothing her hair down , straightening her clothes , feeling a thankfulness for the enveloping darkness outside , and, above everything else, for the absence of the need to answer , to respond , to be aware even of Stowey coming in or going out , and yet, now that she was beginning to cook , she glimpsed a future without him, a future alone like this, and the pain made her head writhe , and in a moment she found it hard to wait for Lucretia to come with her guests .