Execrable Zombie Swill

Rating: 1/10 (28 December 2009)

A captivating opening credit sequence with blasting Metallica and blasting gore deteriorates into the worst zombie movie ever made. I pity the poor editors who had to watch their beautiful introduction followed by 90 minutes of swill, but I feel more pity for myself for having paid a fat $2 to see the movie. Twitchy Jessie Eisenberg (now inexplicably cast in everything, always playing the same nebbish, virginal dweeb) provides an even more twitchy voice-over that makes the combination of Eisenberg's pompous pre-Raphaelite face and boring, self-deprecating personality an unbearable combination. The female characters are twice as malignant as any zombies wasted on screen. I literally prayed for the 12 year old girl to be killed and eaten within the first 15 minutes, securing her repugnant presence a place right up there with Short Round from "Indiana Jones & The Temple Of Doom". Woody Harrelson's hillbilly zombie-killer is an exhalation of straight bottom-burp, with his podunk antics lifted straight out of some cartoon. Meanwhile, the surprise cameo in the movie earns some laughs, but--much like the Metallica in the credits--neither element redeems this wretched flick. The extensive CG gore made me feel even more alienated from the lurching masses of cheering, morbidly obese geeks in black jean shorts attending.