Zombieland minus the Zombies

Rating: 3/10 (27 August 2013)

I have never disliked a zombie movie. They have either always made me laugh or made me thoroughly entertained. Zombieland has done neither of those things. I have to be honest, I didn't really like it. It was sloppy, a little boring, poor characters, and Jessie Eisenberg. I heard this movie was awesome and was a combination of Superbad and Shaun of the Dead. They have both been reviewed and were amazing. To say this movie is like those two combined, that is a bold statement, but one I looked forward to. Without further ado, here we go.
It isn't a secret. I don't like Michael Cera but he is good in almost every role. Wait, he isn't in this movie? It's Jessie Eisenberg? Well, he is a wannabe Michael Cera so I don't see a difference. This guy is a photo copy of Michael Cera but not nearly as good. I never thought I would say this but I wanted Michael Cera in this movie. He would have been so much better. The awkwardness and his ugliness would have fit so much better than Eisenberg's mug ruining this movie. Throughout the movie all I could think about was Michael Cera and that's never a good thing. It made me sick I almost had to turn the movie off.
This movie is called Zombieland and there are little to no zombies. The opening scene is great as it introduces how Zombieland came to be out of the gate it was so far so good. I really liked how there were rules and they popped up on screen all the time. That was really all I liked about the movie. None of the characters had real names and that is cool but the reasoning was dumb. There are very few people left and they don't want to give away their real identity. Why? What's the point? Why should I care? Hearing the names Columbia and Tallahassee wasn't bad but it was unnecessary and not that funny. Clever, but not funny.
Bill F'n Murray is in this movie and hands down the best cameo I have ever seen, but that's the problem, it's only a cameo. I would have loved him in this movie as a star or supporting role. I'll give him credit for his role and his comedy. His time on screen was funny and the highlight of the movie but it wasn't enough. In the middle of the movie the characters bunker down in Murrays house and they were safe. Then they leave to go to an amusement park. That is the entire point of the movie. Emma Stone wants to bring her sister to an amusement park in California. That infuriated me. This movie had no point or direction.
The story, well there is no story. The characters are weak, the performances are terrible. Emma Stone can be a great actress but she just looks like Megan Fox in this movie and we all know that is never a good person to be compared to. Don't get me wrong, Emma Stone is one of the sexiest women who walks this Earth and seeing her in this movie is jaw dropping. She is hot, but that's about it. She is 100% cliché and only there to bring in teenage guys and perverts. Her character has some depth and personality but its basic and poor. Her job as an older sister is underwhelming and her as a love interest to Jessie Eisenberg is dumb. This is a zombie movie but there is a big lack of zombies. They are here and there but they really don't kick in until the end. The end to this movie was awesome and exciting now why couldn't that have been the entire movie? The zombies looked great but they weren't used. This movie had a few signs of brilliance but is ruined by everything else that is so awful. Bill Murray was great but only for like five minutes. The zombies were great but only for like ten minutes. The rules popping up on screen was funny and creative but you can't build a movie around that. Overall, Zombieland was a disaster. The story is dumb, the characters are dumb, Jessie Eisenberg should never be in a movie for the rest of his life, and I never want to see this movie again. I hated this movie. I bought it on blu ray without ever seeing it and I don't think I will ever do that again. I expected to fall in love with this movie. I expected to get a mixture of Shaun of the Dead and Superbad. Instead I got a disappointment. I got an hour and a half of hatred. I got a WillyT Seal of DISapproval. It really hates me to say that but it's the truth and that's my job, to spread the truth.