An open letter to IMDb readers from Zodiac

Rating: 7/10 (29 May 2007)

There I was, the most incisive, quotable, culturally literate review I'd ever written  just sitting there on my desktop, awaiting internet publication  a review so good it was almost a religious experience and what happens? I get a letter from my old friend the Zodiac killer whom having seen the David Fincher film based on his case, felt compelled (as he inevitably does) to write what he thought of it and would I mind posting the text of his letter instead? Normally I'd have told him to go and shoot some teenagers but he let me advertise for a room mate on his myspace once so
An open letter to IMDb readers from Zodiac
Hello David, this is the Zodiac.
Did you see it? I suppose you must have by now. You better have made an attempt for your sake and not, as you threatened to do, go and see that Pirates of the Caribbean crap. Looks like I won our little wager but it's like I told you  if you want a movie made about you you'll either have do something important or do what I did and murder some young people (and one idiot cab driver, though to be fair they're sort of okay as they're always overcharging people anyway  I mean, $6 for a $3 fare? You know he deserved it).
So last night, after what seemed like an eternity, I finally got time off to go to the Castro Theater and see Zodiac, the long overdue film about me. I mean what took them so long for Christ's sake? I don't want to hear about Dirty Harry, I mean, sure, good movie and I loved the girl in a hole stuff  wish I'd thought of it, but Andy Robinson was such a flake. Getting caught so easily and laughing like a pervert. That's supposed to be me? If murder wasn't a capital crime I'd have sued their asses clean off.
So anyway, the Fincher movie isn't too bad. #$%****()  there you go, pick the bones out of that. Did I confound your analogue mind? I've got a books worth of these. So yeah, It was pretty good, took me right back to the glory days  lots of great period detail and that pig Toschi was just like I imagined him  absolutely clueless. Well I say clueless, he did interview me but you don't get arrested for sweating like a rapist and licking your lips every time a murder is mentioned. Incidentally that was a shock to me too.
&&**((%^#. Any ideas? You don't have a clue do you? Its important to have a USP if you're planning on being a serial murderer, people forget that and that's why in the league of psychotic media folk legends I'm still in top five, though Jack the Ripper is always going to be no.1 and overrated for the same reason as the Beatles will always supersede the Stones  history never forgives you if you go on too long.
Gore Verbinski take note.
Even though I wasn't in Zodiac as much as I would of liked I still enjoyed the stuff about bird brain Avery and that geek Graysmith, to whom I'd have paid a visit if he didn't live on the other side of town and it wasn't two buses. It's certainly ironic that I killed several people and slept pretty well at night, sometimes better because of what I did and these guys fell apart and got all obsessive. And they didn't even shoot anyone! Merely slaves in my world. Watching Avery, as played by Downley Jnr, stuffing popcorn into my mouth was all I could not to laugh. I suppose you noticed (and would have droned on about) the recurring time motif in the movie? I named myself after a watch, time is always referenced, the search for me goes on across decades, etc Loved that 'time lapse' scene with the Transamerica pyramid  isn't it incredible what they can do these days? Yeah, my work certainly did burn up those pigs lives.
Also, did you notice how Fincher took a celluloid swing at me by flouting thriller conventions? I'll bet you did you geeky freak. I love the movies, this is well known and the one I dreamt about, involving myself, had more gore and just focused on how good I was, particularly toward the end when the pigs gave up and I laughed at their embarrassment. You saw Seven, right? That was my movie in all but name. So having waited all these years I finally get the film of my life and it isn't about me at all, plus it doesn't even stick to the formula of these things. Why wasn't Graysmith psychologically connected to me in some way and where was the climax? John Doe got a head in a box and I get a photo I.D in an airport? Man, I couldn't have killed enough people.
&*#$$%!^. See what I did there? Of course you didn't you servile camel jacker.
By the way, are we still on for Wedding Daze?