Unmagical Mystery Bore

Rating: 1/10 (2 July 2019)

I didn't think it was possible for a film about the Beatles to be utterly joyless, bereft of hope and as tedious as an 8-hour insurance seminar... until I saw "Yesterday."
I'm imagining the pitch meeting:
"So, we have this guy who is basically a 30-something loser..."
"Not a promising beginning..."
"But, see, he loves making music... he's just not very good at it..."
"Let me guess: A magic genie grants him three wishes, and for his first wish, he becomes the next Chris Martin."
"Funny you should mention Coldplay... no, actually, what happens is an unexplained phenomenon leaves him sitting on a gold mine of hit songs from 50 years ago that he can co-opt, and he becomes a superstar overnight."
"Fifty years ago? What, does he discover a vault of unreleased Brian Wilson songs or something?"
"Not exactly. He gets hit by a bus and wakes up to discover a world that never knew the Beatles."
"So he goes back in time?"
"No, this isn't 'Back to the Future Part 4.' He just... starts singing Beatles songs and suddenly, he's an overnight sensation."
"Do kids today even know who the Beatles were? Maybe he should wake up and become the next Kanye West or Chance the Rapper."
"The premise is that Beatles music is timeless, and a world that never heard 'Hey Jude' will still go bananas for it in 2019."
"Hmmm. We'll have to agree to disagree on that one. But anyway, this makes him very happy, right? I mean, he suddenly has everything: fame, fortune, and throngs of groupies beating down his door, right?"
"Uh... not quite. This guy has a conscience, and stealing all of those songs just makes him feel guiltier and guiltier. And he's pretty morose to begin with, so despite everything, his success only makes him more miserable."
(silence)
"I mean, there is a girl..."
"Thank God. So he steals the Beatles songs to get the girl? And they fall in love and live happily ever after, right?"
"Actually, he steals the songs to save his music career. He is very conflicted about the girl..."
"I thought you said he didn't have a music career."
"He didn't, really. But now he does."
"Let me get this straight. He becomes the next Paul McCartney, if Paul McCartney was a 30-something loser in the 21st century, but it doesn't make him happy, and he doesn't get the girl."
"I wouldn't put it quite like that, but..."
"Is there a lot of sex in the movie at least?"
"No-o-o-o-o-o, not really..."
"But he is surrounded by really funny, clever supporting characters, right? Actors who steal scenes, make witty asides, and help him navigate this crazy situation?"
"Actually, no. The supporting cast is rather bland, and he's pretty much going it alone."
(silence)
"There are also some other things that this 'new' world has never heard of... common products, other bands, things like that."
"So the movie explores those ideas as well? And conversely, are there common products and superstar artists in this 'new' world that the musician is not familiar with? That would lend itself to some funny situations..."
"Um... no and no."
(silence)
"There are a LOT of Beatles songs in the movie, though..."
"So I'm assuming that the audience is treated to some clever, ironic scenes about those songs, which brings the music to life and gives it depth as well as topical significance?"
"Actually... no. The musician just keeps churning out these Beatles songs like a hyper-spastic jukebox, which, of course, he knows all the lyrics for and all of the chord progressions by heart."
(silence)
"He does turn one of the Beatles songs into a kind of punk anthem..."
"Well, that's something I guess. And I'm assuming the movie builds to a joyous crescendo, with some poignancy, pathos and heartwarming resolution?"
"Not really. It just sort of peters out, kind of like rock music itself did in the 1990s."
(silence)
"The musician is really good at playing the Beatles songs..."
"So if he's mopey and depressed all the time, can I assume that at least he's someone that the girls will go ga-ga over? I mean, he's got that Brad Pitt look at least, right?"
(sigh) "Um... actually, his looks are not his best quality."
(silence)
"But, hey, I have an idea for how to film the trailer. We can make the movie seem like a joyous fantasy, and that should be enough for a decent opening weekend."
(sigh) "If you say so. So, what other ideas do you have?"
"Well, what about a movie where the president of the United States used to be a reality show star? And even though he is sexist, racist and altogether clueless, he is reelected and names himself as the first U.S. dictator, becoming president-for-life?"
"And I thought the Beatles idea was far-fetched. Of course, that is a premise that would drive the snowflakes crazy... who do you see in the lead?"
"I was thinking maybe... Brad Pitt?"
"Now you're talking..."