Would've been heaps improved with Deadpool and Daenerys Targaryen.

Rating: 3/10 (20 May 2016)

Me'n the missus headed off on a date-day to the movies and we saw, by mutual agreement, X-Menapocalypse. It's always a good opportunity to suss out what may tickle our future fancies and there was a poster advertising 'BFG' which quite took my fancy until the child-bride hushed me correcting me in front of strangers by pointing out that it was a 'Big FRIENDLY Giant'.
The X-Men starts off quite well. It is set in ancient Egypt and there is a pyramid and we get the chance to say 'Oooh, we've been there' and there is a Klingon who is going to be made live forever by getting dead-guy juice from, well, a dead guy. But things go amiss due to various heroic efforts by blokes with spears and a great big rock that slides into the pyramid. The Klingon, who turns out to be the first mutant and who is called Apocalypse, is buried. I think that's his name anyway. I can't remember anyone actually calling him that but.
He's reanimated of course. If he wasn't it woulda been a PFS movie. He learns our languages by watching Egyptian TV. Good luck with THAT. I know two words of Arabic. 'Laa' and 'Insh'allah' both of which practically mean 'No' Apocalypse doesn't really carry off the super-powerful nasty. For a start, he wears platform shoes and these diminish his air of malice significantly. The impression is more that of an unimaginatively made-up Gene Simmons than, say, your full blown Sauron, the Dark Lord. Or Darth Vader. He puts together an army, and it's a pretty small one – 'the 4 Horsemen' but they don't have horses so the are just the 4 Men. Well they aren't all men so they aren't even that. The 4 Skins? Dunno. He gives them X-men gifts which are surprisingly modest given his supposed omnipotentness. Whips and skimpies are fine for relaxation, but not really your first choice for world domination. He does have a formidable weapon in Magnet-Man who gets a fancy-dan helmet and can do good hovering Apocalypse and his 4skins are pitted against Sansa Stark, whose time with the funster Ramsay Bolton has taught her a trick or two about survival and some of these tricks are going to make future intimacies unpredictable at best and positively lethal if she's 'just not in the mood'.
A contractual obligation is met when Wolverine takes out a heap of baddies then runs off to duel bears and suchlike.
Nuclear weapons are unleashed on an unsuspecting solar system. The Sydney Opera House is destroyed.
I won't spoil the experience by giving away the ending, although a sequel that is also a prequel leaves little room for maneuvering on the outcome.
Would've been heaps improved with Deadpool and Daenerys Targaryen. What wouldn't be improved by Daenerys Targaryen?
We've suffered so you don't have to!