An utter mess, a complete disappointment

Rating: 5/10 (31 May 2016)

I'm being kind by giving it 6 stars.
While not the worst in the X-Men franchise (that accolade still goes to Origins), Apocalypse is a film that never makes it out of the starting gate and stumbles towards a dull, fantastically messy end.
I waited two weeks after the release to go watch. Having heard nothing but bad reviews, I said to myself "These people have high expectations after Civil War and Days of Future Past." Obviously, I too had high expectations but I reminded myself to accept it at face value: as entertainment.
It was clear from the very beginning when Xavier (James McAvoy) began his speech about mutants and humans that this series had run aground, was out of steam. Everything about the film has been done in previous ones and has been done better. The action is limp, the special effects are bombastic but uncharacteristically unimaginative. Characters dissolve into puddles of nostalgia and dreariness. What remains of plot is nothing but a hodge-podge of half-baked strands from the previous films - Jean Grey and her worrisome dark Phoenix power, Xavier trying to convince Magneto not to be evil, Magneto trying to be good but ultimately letting evil win over, Cyclops trying not to blast Jean Grey. Hell, even Wolverine turns up just long enough for him to escape from Stryker and get his memories back (cause that already happened in X-Men, X-2 and Origins, right?).
In the previous 3 films (Wolverine, First Class and Days of Future Past), a lot of effort was put into location and setting. Part of the fun was the attention to detail as these established characters navigated various periods or cultures. The groovy spy flavours added to First Class and the mind bending, time bending disaster epic of DOFP helped elevate those films beyond simple superhero fare. Sadly, Singer has dispensed with setting or detail and plays this simply as a monster of the week episode of Buffy. And while we visit Poland, USA and Egypt in the 1980s, they could be anywhere. The closest we get to the decade is a throwaway conversation about Star Wars and the Eurythmics "Sweet Dreams" in another Quicksilver set piece.
The direction, and this is a major upset for me because I think Singer is fantastic, is dire. At no point does he even bother to build tension or ratchet up suspense towards the inevitable conclusion or good vs evil. His villain, Apocalypse, spends 3/4 of the film trying to get his team together and the final quarter losing. For all his apparent smarts, he chooses the worst possible horsemen in Storm (a self-confessed fan of Mystique), Magneto (who apparently has tried living in communist Poland with disastrous consequences), Angel (a drunk) and Psylocke (apparently a great fighter). None of them interact with each other, none of them do much other than stand around, gurning at the camera. Needless to say the twists as members turn on him and others get defeated easily doesn't come as a surprise. There's little offered that suggests that Apocalypse is a force to be reckoned with and his team do nothing but grin and stand behind him for majority of the film. Bizarrely, Stryker turns up halfway through but his appearance is confusing and does nothing to propel the story. So far the story seems to be that Apocalypse wants horsemen and that seems to be it for plot.
None of the cast get much to do. The new additions are quiet and behave in a confused manner. Apocalypse wanders around like Emperor Palpatine but with all the menace of Father Jack. Oscar Isaac tries to chew up the scenery as Vincent Price, it just made me want to watch Vincent Price. Much excitement was incited when Jubilee turned up in the cast list but clearly she isn't Singer's type because she has even less to do than some Egyptian fanatics at the very beginning. There is a repeat of Quicksilver's hilarious power but it serves only to highlight the lack of ideas present. Sophie Turner and Tye Sheridan do get more to do than most others but Turner still has a long way to go until she's as captivating as Famke Jansen. Her relationship with Xavier is barely explored so when he begs her to "let loose! Unleash your power!" you'd be forgiven for wondering why she would when she has probably zero trust in him and he in her.
Ultimately, the film is a fail. There's very little to get excited about here. The returning cast deliver their lines with a cringeworthy manner that suggests they're ready to move on and the lack of detail to character, setting and themes proves that Singer has gotten all he can out of the X-Men. Perhaps Fox should bite the bullet and return the X-Men to Marvel before they attempt to "reboot" the franchise again.