Where are all the True-Believers??

Rating: 2/10 (8 March 2006)

Whenever I put pen-to-paper, (or digit-to-keyboard for that matter), I always want to appear much cleverer than I really am, by using long words and such, but in this review for X-MEN, all I really want to do is throw myself on the floor, kick my legs, pound my fists and scream and scream until I'm sick. Indeed, a tantrum is never a pretty thing to witness. But, oh! What have they done to my beloved X-men?! I'm trying very hard not to waffle on about the DECADES of source material available for the movie-makers to draw upon; The wealth of characters, the gamut of emotion, the endless high-adventure!!
For all you fan-boys; no I'm not talking about the mockery of the expanded X-Franchise that these days litters the magazine-shelves of every supermarket and comes with a free holographic Pog stuck to the cover! I am, of course, referring to the Golden Age of comics, long before Marvel saw fit to suck Satans scaly member, and churn out the vacuous drivel its famous for today. No, Marvel is dead, and movies such as this one are surely the final nails being hammered into its coffin. (Mercifully, the art of the comic book is still alive and well, and flourishing in the tender hands of the poorer, independent labels, where both artists and writers still toil away for the love of the medium.)
This movie, even standing alone and not being compared to its periodical counterpart, soars to new heights of mediocrity. Looking as though its been filmed almost entirely on location in someones garden-shed, it has none of the grandiose, theatrical spectacle that it seems to think it has. Even given a beautiful location, such as Liberty Island, (and was that Grand Central Station?), our intrepid film-makers still manage to find a way of shooting it, so as to make you believe your watching someones shaky wedding-video! Every effort to impart a sense of gravitas or screen-presence falls flat. And the score? Well... Do you remember seeing Rocky for the first time? Or Superman-The Movie? Remember how, on leaving the theatre, that theme tune was still ringing in your head, and did so for many years to come? Yes, well, this has none of that. Even the X-Men animated series had a catchy theme, I only saw it once or twice, but I can still hum you a few bars if you'd like? Oh, but wait, I haven't even started on the X-Men themselves yet! They had the cast.
SIR! Ian McKellen!
Patrick "was-that-boldly-or-baldly?" Stewart!
Halle "but-i-look-pretty!" Berry!
Hugh "rugged-yet-charming" Jackman
And Anna "i-was-good-in-The-Piano-wasnt-i" Paquin. They had the makings of a true ensemble cast, and then sadly, had them all plod along through a story that just never seemed to get off the ground. Yes, I've seen the sequel, and yes I will watch the third instalment, but this review encompasses my opinions for both the movies thus far released.
Uneventful.
For example; Wolverine & Sabretooth. On paper, these two have a long history together. Ask your average Fan-Boy, and he'll surely tell you, that when these to appeared in a book together, you were guaranteed a thrilling, acrobatic and visceral encounter. Sabretooth, the savage, brutal, remorseless assassin, and Wolverine, the berserker with the soul of a samurai, struggling to tame his bestial urges! Never were two warriors more finely matched!
What do we get in the movie?? Sabretooth; An American Pro-wrestler in a BonJovi wig, following Ian McKellen around like an bouffant poodle, only to fall to his death at the first sign of trouble.
And Wolverine; Well, actually, Hugh Jackman was one of the few things I cant fault about this movie. (Cyclops, being the other.) Although the makers elected to portray Wolverine at his most uninteresting, Jackmans performance, given the material, is a credit to him. Magneto, on the other hand, appears as a pale shadow of his comic-book self. On paper hes not a geriatric waif of a man in a silly hat, but a charismatic, virile titan of a figure, bestride the world, a god-among-men! Some characters appear to have just been entirely re-written, Rogue being the most obvious example. Now, I wouldn't have a problem with this, understanding the difficulties of bringing comic-book characters to the medium of film, but if you're going to completely reinvent such widely loved characters, at least do it well.
For the most part, the X-men are all weak, watered-down versions of their comic-book originals, thanks in no small part to the fact that they have been stripped of their trademark costumes. Garish, and impractical though they may have been for the cross-over to celluloid, (cyclops' little nod to this, noted! "what would you prefer? Yellow spandex?!", it does detract greatly from the overall effect of superheroes on screen. And although its true that at one time The Uncanny X-Men did sport a standardised uniform, and some X-Men rarely even employed a costume at all, imagine Spiderman, or Superman without their hallmark undies!
Overall the X-Men suffers from one major and unavoidable flaw; 2 hours in the theatre simply isn't enough time. With so many years of development and plot in the comic-book, and a cast of hundreds, the move to celluloid was never going to be a successful one. So I suppose this begs the question; Should it ever have been made? On the strength of the two, (very soon to be three), already made, I have to say no. I've heard tell that a number of spin-offs are in the pipeline; A Wolverine movie perhaps. Its my opinion that this will stand a better chance of succeeding, and if its good, then perhaps the travesty of the previous movies will be justified. But until then, I suggest you satisfy yourself with The Uncanny X-Men as they were meant to be enjoyed; Between the pages of a comic-book.