Hitting the high notes at a theater near you!

Rating: Null/10 (25 July 2000)

At the tragic final act of La Boheme, love-smitten tenor Rodolfo sings "Your tiny hand is frozen" to starving-but-still-singing-loudly soprano Mimi. When the role of Mimi is assayed by a svelte-free diva such as Montserrat Caballe, this scene bids fair to being opera's most falling-down funny moment, but in fact, it works. It works because a) Caballe can hit the notes, and b) it's opera, dammit. It's supposed to be over-the-top. X-Men: the Movie is based on X-Men the Marvel comic book, and happily for us, comic books are also expected to be over-the-top. The only thing we need be concerned about is whether X-Men: the Movie hits the notes. And does it? You betcha.
X-Men is precisely what we've come to expect from a summer movie. It's straightforward and not particularly nuanced, but who needs nuance when you can have big, fat explosions and really good looking people in leather? The movie's design is outstanding; dark and foreboding, it harks back to the Frank Miller's Batman and the granddaddy of dystopia films, Metropolis. And of course, the movie has fabulous special effects and great fight scenes.
To be perfectly honest, knowing that the story takes place in a comic-book universe didn't stop me from asking the tough questions. Did Charles Xavier get the proper building permits for the better parts of the School for Gifted Students? Who built the X-jet, Boeing or Lockheed, and is the neighborhood zoned for stealth? Is there a sweatshop somewhere that does nothing but turn out superhero uniforms? And most importantly, are those suits dry clean or fine washable?
Based on the world's most popular comic book, X-Men: the Movie has a built-in audience of people who have faithfully followed the x-adventures for over 30 years and who are not going to tolerate much deviation from the canon. I try to avoid those people. I went to see the film because I really wanted to hear mature hunk Patrick Stewart say "ee-ville." This does not mean I didn't know the movie would succeed or fail based on the performance of the unknown playing Wolverine. The X-Men may be a team, but let's face it--the rest of the bunch are Wolfie's backup singers. It's no accident that X-Men the Movie and the latest Harry Potter book are selling like proverbial hotcakes--both are stories about outsiders, with the mutants edging out the wizards in the spiffy threads department. Wolverine is Harry Potter's evil twin. In short, he is the comic book character I would least like to have at my dinner party but most like to boink. So let's get down to brass tacks. Does newcomer Hugh Jackman hit the notes?
WOOF!
And now, I'd like to digress for a moment to rhapsodize about 2000 being the Year of the Antipodean Guy. From Jackman to Crowe to the rapidly wrinkling Gibson, they're all over the place, reeking of testosterone and raising the drool bar to Olympian heights. And contrary to the stereotype, they appear to be perfectly capable of handling verbs! I tell you, it's an exciting time for the intelligent movie-going female!
The rest of the cast is perfectly on pitch, too. Who cannot enjoy plummy-voiced Master Thespians Stewart and McKellan duking it out for the best-pronounced vowel award? I suspect that the males in the audience will appreciate the talents of Berry, Janssen, and the very blue Romijn-Stamos almost as much as I appreciated Jackman's. The villains are appropriately villainous, with Ray Park (who is carving out a career for himself as the most unrecognizable actor to kick serious cinematic butt) winning my personal bad-guy laurels as the Toad.
So drop that Henry James novel and rush right off to see X-Men the Movie. I suggest copious amounts of butter for your popcorn, and perhaps an entire box of Milk Duds. If you're male, you're going to be hearing some mighty pathetic whimpering coming from your date, starting the moment Jackman hits the screen. Just ignore it.