The real movie - A quick review

Rating: 7/10 (2 August 2017)

In a top-secret roller derby camp, beauty pageant contestant Diana, daughter of Yahweh, is training to become a Massod agent, when "above averagely" endowed Captain Kirk arrives after his starship, is shot down by World War I Nazis. Diana and her team defeat a crew of German sailors who are hunting Kirk just for the sport of it, and she then accompanies Kirk to London, where they form a special- forces diversity unit, comprised of Shane MacGowspud, Sammy Davis Berber, and Chief Spiritual Credibility. The new unit goes to the front, where they hope to destroy the totally evil Martin Bormann and Dr. Doom, phantomess of the opera; the two are engaged in random bouts of sublimated nookie while they develop the kinds of weapons of mass destruction usually monopolized by Arab leaders like Saddam Hussein and Bashar Al-Assad. Diana is convinced that Bormann is really Lucifer, the first in a long line of Yahweh's prodigal sons, and she believes that if she can destroy him, she can help to impart a new dispensation based on John Lennon's "Imagine." It turns out that Bormann is not Lucifer; instead, the Prince of Darkness is a member of the British aristocracy disguised as a member of the British upper-middle class. Diana defeats him but learns that he has impregnated "mankind" with the evil seed, though she believes that man can remain good, despite what she's learned from Genesis and despite Lucifer's bad genes. Meanwhile, Kirk proves that, even though he has blue eyes, he is Christ and sacrifices himself for the sins of humanity, but in an act of ultimate Christian humility, he conceals his divinity, since he refuses to go to the mountain for a transfiguration. In the end, good triumphs over evil, and Diana gets a job at the Louvre where she receives love letters and sexy photographs from mysterious billionaire Donald Trump.