Blunder Woman. This Critical Darling Is No More Than a Mediocre Superhero Origin.

Rating: 3/10 (26 June 2018)

I wanted to like Wonder Woman. I thought I would like Wonder Woman. I had a sneaking suspicion that I might love Wonder Woman. Hey, critics practically fell over backwards praising the film as not only one of the greatest superhero movies ever made, but a historic step for womankind. And while I've learned in the last few years to not put too much stake into what critics say, even from the trailers, Wonder Woman looked appealing to me. I love DC Comics, I love old-fashioned adventures, and I love Greek Mythology and WW1 history. How could I not love Wonder Woman? Well, it's because Wonder Woman is not the masterpiece critics have anointed it as. It isn't even a success by the meager standards of modern superhero movies (it's been compared to The Dark Knight and Spider-Man 2, when it is actually more like Green Lantern crossed with Thor). Wonder Woman is a bad movie. A standard, by-the-numbers superhero origin with dull characters, pointless action, and incomprehensible themes about the power of love (or something).
Wonder Woman, as a character, does have one of the more interesting origin stories among DC superheroes. Steeped in Greek mythology and grand in scope, Wonder Woman's origins as a Greek demigod, modeled from clay by Hippolyta (played here by Connie Nielsen) and brought to life by Zeus on a hidden paradise called Themyscira, is perfect cinematic inspiration. It's no wonder then, that Wonder Woman's first twenty minutes are its best. The early scenes on Themyscira suffer from the same stilted dialogue and dubious acting of the rest of the film, but they are bright and colorful, and at that point in the film, the action is actually fun. The Greek mythology stuff is interesting, and while the first act is no home run, it's entertaining. When Chris Pine's Army pilot Steve Trevor shows up on the island, and the setting shifts to WWI-era Europe, Wonder Woman begins its long spiral downward, until the whole thing crashes to the bottom of the superhero barrel in the final act.
Gal Gadot plays Diana Prince/Wonder Woman, and you've probably heard the praise. The role has launched her into stardom and granted her an almost God-like status among the select group of feminist superhero fans. You want the truth? In the role of Wonder Woman, Gal Gadot is... Well, she's got the build, she's got the looks, she has moments when her fish out of water schtick works, but she is barely an actress. The handful of moments when she has to get riled up and stand up for herself and her mission to kill Ares (the Greek God of War, assumed to be living as a German officer, for some reason) flop. I'm sure the devout feminist cult of Gal Gadot loved these moments, but to me, it seemed like Gadot could barely get the lines out correctly, much less give them any impact. Her struggle with English washes away any pretense of her as a genuine actress, and exposes the tall, Wonder-Woman-looking model underneath. She could have been much more annoying, but nevertheless, this is no "great" performance.
And speaking of overrated women involved with Wonder Woman. Director Patty Jenkins. She's female, and she directed a superhero movie. That seems to be enough for critics to elevate her to the highest level of the industry. Her exclusion from the Best Director Oscar nominations was considered a "snub" by many. Puh. Lease. This is no great directing job. Let's look to the action scenes as an example. Early on, the action is kind of fun; staged competently, and bearing some creative and cool stunts. However, somewhere along the line you start to notice that these sequences are peppered, infected, overrun, with slow motion, bad CGI, and totally unearned grandiosity. Eventually, Wonder Woman absolutely devolves. Soon, it all becomes mindless, pointless, stupid, rubbery CGI crap. The final fight, without spoiling too much, sucks. And its monumental stupidity alone should have been enough for somebody, anybody, to give a negative review to this movie.
But alas, critics ate this crap up. It would be baffling if I didn't know exactly why. Wonder Woman marketed itself as a feminist triumph before it was seen by anyone. A female-led superhero movie, directed by a female, with a message about female love and compassion conquering male aggression. No feminist worth their salt would dare speak ill of such a historic piece of entertainment. And no feminist did. Like Black Panther after it, critics interested in keeping their "woke points" were held hostage by the hype. It doesn't matter if Gal Gadot can't act, or if all the secondary characters come off as cartoons, or if Patty Jenkins doesn't know how to handle action. It's a big-budget "feminist" movie, so it is important. Therefore, no matter how bland, dull, tedious, and dumb Wonder Woman is, it was destined for great reviews. It will get no great review from me. I wanted to like Wonder Woman, but I have the guts to tell you, it's no good.
39/100