i miss the idea, and the whole of him

Rating: Null/10 (8 April 2008)

-I miss her
-I don't miss him, I really don't
-Not even a little?
-You know what I miss? I miss the idea of him
-(sigh)Maybe I miss the idea of Helen (silent) No, I miss the whole of Helen
I Miss the Idea, and the Whole of Him
I have problems concentrating now. Every time I sit down at the desk and tries to engage myself in the TEM4 papers or linearity algebra exercises, or Spanish homework...I couldn't focus at all...My thoughts wander, my eye sights blur, my heart beats fast at sight of him...
I used to miss him when he's not around, but now parted as we are, I feel a flow of much stronger emotion towards him. I miss him even when he sits next to me.I glimpse at him secretly thorough the books; I smell the natural aroma sent out from his hair, his body when the wind breezes through the window; I listen eagerly to every single sound he utters: he sneezes, he clears his throat, he scratches his chair on the floor...
When I connect to the internet, the first thing I do is to log on his homepage. I read his journals so many times that I could even recite some of them. I browse every pic of his and they are all downloaded into the deepest corner of my disk. I view every message other people have left on his message board and I get jealous of those handsome girls or boys saying something ambiguous to him...
I begin to speak like him, with that Suzhou accent; I behave like him: walk with my back bowed and lower my head when looking at people; I listen to songs he listens, watch movies he watches, and read books he reads...
I know it's wrong, I know it's stupid of me to continue caring for him, or even more, after we break up. I, I just cannot help it. I just can't be sensible. I miss him, not only the idea of him, but the whole of him.