Cover Your Eyes

Rating: 2/10 (22 April 2013)

I knew what the early reviews were saying so I thought that at the very least, my expectations would be low enough to be pleasantly surprised by any spark of interest.
The only thing I was interested in was whether it was possible to put a sleeper hold on myself. This movie was excruciatingly long and somehow the action sequences, which tend to speed up any movie, were almost as boring as each individual character's 45 minute back story.
One of the reasons why this failed is the same reason why a lot of horror movies fail; they forget to follow the golden rule. The golden rule is to wait until the last possible moment to show "the monster". The monster can quite literally be the monster in the horror genre or, in action, it's the big climactic scene where the escape/explosion/rescues etc. take place. This movie did not follow that rule. They prematurely showed the monster. Now before the geek boys come at me with "It's the Watchmen... they follow no rules... ooooooh.... it's a graphic novel..."
Just stop it.
With skulls getting cut in half, arms sawed off, pregnant women shot, "almost" rapes, bodies exploding... enough already; we get it. The so-called "line" was crossed so many times that you were completely desensitized fifteen minutes into it and nothing held any weight anymore. I was literally wondering if they were just running out of things to do. There was no momentum and no build towards the climax and what little investment you had to begin with was more than spent by the time these characters had their big final suit-up moment.
The music choices were jarringly weak: How many times can "The Sound of Silence" be used in films these days and still be taken seriously? The use of "All Along the Watchtower" was so heavy-handed that it was just lame... Oh, I get it! "All Along the WATCHtower" and we're watching "The WATCHmen" so clever. Attempts at humor in the music selection were pretty feeble and quite dated. During a scene where big businessmen are arguing over energy resources, elevator music covering Tears for Fears' "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" plays in the background... Ha... Ha....haaaaa.
The only commendable part of the movie was Jackie Earle Haley's Rorschach. Haley is probably most recognizable in his fantastic and subsequently Oscar- nominated performance as a sex-offender in Little Children where he played opposite Patrick Wilson and Kate Winslet.
I'm sorry to say that the girls in this flick get no credit in the writing department. Shocker. They are hollow creatures with uncomplicated minds that allow them to bounce easily between a radiating, blue nudist and a geek. I know in action movies girls are there to be rescued or to look good in leather and latex but at least Trinity in The Matrix did it with dignity and a brain.
This movie was awful and the only people who stand by it are the fans who have waited dutifully for its release... much like those who stand by the embarrassment that is Rent: the Movie. The best part of my experience was watching the newly revamped previews for Star Trek, Terminator Salvation, Angels and Demons and Wolverine.
It's too late for me but please, save yourselves.