This superhero film is as flawed as its characters

Rating: 5/10 (12 March 2009)

Watchmen takes place in an alternate reality version of 1985 in which superheroes not only exist, but have also changed the course of American history. However, superheroes have been outlawed due to the fact that they have caused more problems than they solved. After the murder of a vigilante known as The Comedian, a group of retired superheroes try to unravel the mystery while simultaneously dealing with their own personal baggage.
At least this is what the marketing campaign would have us believe. In truth, the majority of the characters in Watchmen have all the depth of the average soap opera caricature, and their problems and psychology behind their motives ignored for the most part. A passing mention is given to how Laury Jupiter was forced into becoming a costumed adventurer by her mother, Dan Dreiberg's costume fetish is barley alluded to, and Rorschach's origin story fails to fully explain exactly why he chose to don his inkblot mask in the first place. The character who gets the biggest blue shaft is Adrian Vedit, a superhero turned industrial tycoon. He plays a very pivotal role in the film, but he is given a criminally small amount of screen time, and what little of the film he is in doesn't flesh him out satisfactorily.
The major problem most of the characters confront is that they are written about as consistently as a bowl of grits. For instance, it's established at one point that The Comedian's mind was broken at one point, but in a scene which chronologically follows the incident, he is in charge of himself. Laury also suffers from this; it is established that she distastes the whole crime-fighting thing, but she acts enthusiastic about engaging in violence almost to the point of blood-lust. At one point she brutally murders a gang member with all the remorse of a sociopath (an impression that is not dissuaded by the actress' deadpan performance).
Zack Snyder keeps reminding us that Watchmen is not meant for youths, but his methods end up backfiring on the film. Rather than focusing more on mature themes and telling a good story, Snyder constantly shoves wanton sex and bloody violence in the audience's face. For instance, the action scenes present in Watchmen are so gorily cartoon-like and ludicrously over the top that I kept expecting to see words like PAIN!, SNAP!, and DEATH! typed across the screen like some perverted tribute to Adam West. The gratuitous prolonged shots of a sex scene are also bungled. What should be a moving scene comes across as a parody of really bad porno set to Hallelujah. In the end, it is made clear that kids have no business seeing this film, but it also feels far too immature.
Acting performances are mostly average all around, except for the woman playing Sally Jupiter. The only way to account for her hammy performance is to assume that after hearing that he wouldn't be in the new Star Trek film, William Shatner dressed in drag and covered himself up in some of the most hilariously bad makeup (almost outdoing a laughable Richard Nixon with a nose that will fuel phallic jokes for years to come) to get some work. Billy Crudup's performance as Doctor Manhattan is good, but the choice of Snyder to have him act slightly emotional doesn't fit with his image of being detached from humanity as dictated by his dialogue. The only actor who gives a consistently good performance is Jackie Earl Haley as the uncompromising sociopath Rorschach. Everything about him is terrifying, down to his maddeningly broken monotone.
With all that said, Watchmen isn't devoid of merit. Some of the dramatic moments are amazingly moving, and the visual design of the world of Watchmen is gorgeous. OK, it looks like all of the exterior scenes were shot on a sound stage in front of a green screen, but the film never feels as fake as 300, and even when the scenery isn't technically strong, the sheer artistry prevails. There is one glaring flaw that nothing that all the artistry and imagination in the whole film can't begin to make up for: the music. Don't get me wrong, I love 99 Luftballons as much as the next guy, but the soundtrack feels like it was done by having someone pull random songs out a hat, and most of them turn their respective scenes into unintentional comedies. The film's creative opening credits are full of somber scenes that clash abysmally with Bob Dylan's Times Are a Changing (one scene showing a man in a moth suite being committed in slow-mo elicited the most jeers from the audience I was with).
Despite all the flaws I saw, I liked Watchmen. Sure, the narrative is so disjointed it risks losing the audience and Snyder's direction has all the subtlety of HIRED!, but the film kept me interested until the end. Sadly, it was at this point that the script jumped the shark with in a way so bad it would make George "Fridge-Nuker" Lucas cry. It's hard to explain just how unbelievably dumb the end is without spoiling the film, but all I will say is that anyone in the government with half a brain could easily uncover the plot (no 'military intelligence' jokes, please), and even assuming that the no one ever did figure out the Scooby-Doo plot, the aftermath is less convincing than an issue of World Weekly News.
All in all, Watchmen is not a good film, but nor is it a bad film. Its heart is in the right place, and the film is fairly stunning to look at, but Zack Snyder's inability to direct actors or interest in telling a well structured story ultimately sink the film. If you really feel the urge to see Watchmen as soon as possible, you might want to catch a matinÃ©e, but everyone else is better of renting it.