War Of The Egos

Rating: 3/10 (23 November 2008)

I give this a couple of extra stars for some great special effects sequences; the eerie speeding train, ablaze and out of control, some hugely impressive shots of the Martian war machines striding across the landscape.
13 things to have a good laugh at.
1. Tom Cruise. Despite being the most idiotic character in the film he manages to survive time and time again when the Martians fry all around him.
2. I say "Martians" but the aliens look more like Species 8472 from Star Trek Voyager. They are cartoony in the extreme. They also plant war machines about a million years before the human race develops and wait until we're a civilised species before invading. Thanks, Tom.
3. Tom Cruise. He "sings" Little Duece Coop. I've waited my entire life to see this.
4. Dakota Fanning. More Scary than the Martians.
5. Tom Cruise. Lazy slob at the beginning. Reforms himself by killing an overacting paedophile. Thanks, Tom.
6. Camcorders that work after an EMP has knocked out power to all machines.
7. Tom Cruise. Chucks peanut butter sandwiches around. Consumption banned by Scientologists, perhaps.
8. Cruise's other pathetically-written offspring. "Please Daddy let me go and get napalmed - I'll still survive, David Koepp's writing the screenplay."
9. Tom Cruise. "Sure son. I've got to let you be a MAN sometime. Might as well let you get incinerated at the same time." Thanks, Tom.
10. Steven Spielberg. "Let's make an alien invasion movie that's really about 911." Won't be a clumsy comparison at all, then.
11. Tom Cruise. Just your everyday working man.A crashed aircraft miraculously leaves a neat little pathway amongst the wreckage for him to drive his car through. Thanks, Tom.
12. David Koepp. Gives us a long-shot cameo of Anne Robinson and Gene Barry at the end, taking for granted we'll know who it is. The only time he doesn't insult our intelligence in the movie.
13. Yep, Tom Cruise. "I'll just chuck a few hand grenades up the Martian Warmachine's ass. That'll show H.G. Wells how he should have written this thing." Thanks, Tom.
More laughs than your average comedy. Poor Spielberg; where did it all go wrong???