Why Did Spielberg Do This?

Rating: 2/10 (30 October 2007)

Okay. For years, I wanted Steven Spielberg to take in hand H.G. Wells' classic novella 'War Of The Worlds'. When I heard he was finally doing it, I was quite excited, given the director's keen eye for historical detail (which I know some will argue with), eg "Saving Private Ryan", "1941", and the absolutely magnificent "Band of Brothers", I was looking forward to the ultimate movie version of this classic (the 1953 version is fun on its own level), set in late-Victorian England, right were it belonged, with those wonderfully menacing Martian tripod fighting machines. What did I get instead? Two hours or so of Tom Cruise's Scientologistic Method acting and Tim Robbins chewing the scenery, and Dakota Fanning screaming non-stop to the point of inciting me to contemplation of Dakotacide! My buddy Nate and I even played a stupid game while watching the movie on DVD (yeah, I bought it). Every time Dakota screamed, we'd take a huge swig of beer. We were both pretty soused by the end of the movie. It acted as an anesthetic, fortunately. And I happen to like her acting, so she must have been doing a great job of it to convince me that her character (along with her brother) should have been powder-puff fried by the Heat Ray! My God, Bob, her screaming drove me nuts, about as much as those screaming brat extras in Timothy Hines' OTHER cinematic masterpiece version of this . . . same . . . MOVIE! It sucked! The movie absolutely sucked! Except for the tripod war machines, it sucked! Did I mention that the movie sucked? And could Mr. Spielberg have picked a worse actor than Tom (Novacaine Cheeks) Cruise? he can't act! Every movie he's done since the mid-80s has been some variation of "Top Gun" (another piece of garbage, no duh) , you know, "Days Of Thunder" (Top Gun in cars)? Now, Top Gun with Martians/Aliens? I actually found myself rooting for the damn aliens, much in the same way I was cheering on the Japanese in Jerry Bruckheimer's recent Day of Infamy, "Pearl Harbor". I'm willing to concede that the FX were good, and I really DID like the brief cameo appearance by Gene Barry and Ann Robinson at the end, but what about a story, Mr. S? Did you think Tom Cruise was going to be inspired by L. Ron Hubbard? But I'm more than willing to forgive you if you just promise never to do it again. Everyone makes mistakes, right? Please.