CGI and Cruise save Earth!

Rating: 5/10 (29 June 2005)

1. Average guy gets dumped by wife, probably because Tom is ambiguously gay. 2. Cruise obtains his own kids from his ex for weekend. 3. Aliens invade. 4. Cruise steals van and scenes. 5. Cruise drives away from aliens. 6. Bodies pile up; CGI takes over the film. 7. Cruise's van gets stolen by a large, angry lynch mob. Tom mutters, "I wish I'd stopped at "Losin' It!" 8. Aliens get closer; Dakota Fanning screams a lot. 9. Cruise builds a tent, which film audience mistakes for a shelter. 10. Cruise converts all the aliens to Scientology. 11. Spielberg recommends Tom see a shrink. 12. Ebert dumps on the film, gives it two stars. 13. Siskel comes back from dead, gives it one star. 14. the end