War of the Worlds

Rating: 10/10 (1 July 2005)

Warning there is plot given away here!
Steven Spielberg director of such films as Jaws, Close Encounters of the Third Kind and ET takes us on a journey into our world at war with an enemy we know nothing about and one that can't be defeated by mans best weapons. No I am not talking about the Chinese and their economic policies. The Martians have attacked us or so we assume. In H.G Wells classic The War Of the Worlds, Mars attacks us because they have long coveted our planet and also they screwed theirs up apparently. But here, we are not exactly sure who they are or where they are from, all we are sure is they are not terrorists.
Instead of taking a step back and looking at this through mankind's eyes we step forward and see it through one mans eyes. Our hero is non other than Ray Ferrier (Tom Cruise Holmes aka Dr. Cruise no Xanax for me thank you) a divorced and emotionally negligent father of two not so wonderful kids. Ray who by the way works for a living (he tells his daughter this) on the shipyard docks as a crane operator has no food in the kitchen for his two kids but does have a deconstructed engine in place of the pot roast, tasty. We find this out of course because the kids have been dropped off by his ex and her new (rich) husband (Tim) for their alloted quality time together. Oh and guess what, the ex (Miranda Otto) is pregnant with Mr. Wall Streets baby, how quaint. Moving forward, the son Robbie (Justin Chatwin) is a dick (Rays words not mine)and the daughter Rachel(Dakota Fanning)is a hypochondriac health nut (who later on states that she has a bad back). I should mention a baseball through the window but there is not enough time.(funny though).
Moving forward we find Ray having to sleep. (He works for a living like I already said) Ladies, he takes his shirt off here > < right after telling Rachel (futhur known as Sick) to order food and before his son Robbie (lets just call him Dick) steals his Ford fastback Mustang. Upon awaking our hero feasts upon a hearty humus meal (the look on his face is priceless)discusses a splinter, finds out that his car and Dick are gone and low and behold discovers lightning strikes at least 27 times in the same place.
Moving quickly. Ray runs out the front door and leaves the splinter infected 9 year old there alone to wait for her brother. So what was Ray looking to find out in the street? 1. His Dick, B. His Stang or 4. Everything at a dead stop. The answer is ding ding ding E. All of the above! Ray sends Dick into watch Sick then runs like a lemming to find out where everyone else is running to like a lemming. On the way he verbally repairs a van and chums around with two ethnic(the only memorable ethnic speaking parts) lads thrown in (I guess) to show that Ray is at least culturally diverse and not a total sh-t head. I digress.
Meanwhile a crowd has formed a circle around the 27 lightning strikes in the middle of an intersection. New Yorks or New Jerseys in this case finest are there controlling the crowd um well looking at the ground anyway (Krispy Kreme must have been closed. Then...The ground shakes, cracks, splits, explodes and all hell breaks loose. Ray, right in the middle of it all. Herrrreeesss Johnny, all dressed in metal with three legs and a giant triangle head standing 150 feet tall. Or so it seems. Needless to say Ray is stupefied along with the horse he rode in on (ok, there's no horse). And this all happens in the first 10 or ah 15 minutes, I forget.
To make a long story short (to late) there is a lot gnashing of teeth and wailing and the national guard trying hard but failing (I guess all the good soldiers were in IRAQ). A van ride, a plane crash, another van ride, more teeth gnashing and wailing. Some more van riding, a pee pee break with a water adventure, some more van riding, a van hijacking and a lot of walking. A ferry ride, a water ride, more gnashing of teeth and wailing. More national guard trying, more failing, oh and cool jets and helicopters failing. Dick being drawn to the flame like a moth and Sick almost being taken by a morally terrified woman or is that I terrified moral woman? Then there is the basement with a pedophile and the snake machine not to mention four of the aliens from independence day only in midget form with a third leg. What does that mean? Well then there is a murder behind a closed door. Oh wait more gnashing of teeth and wailing, blood, plants, blood plants, 1 grenade, two cages and then 2 grenades. I forgot to say some more walking, bacterial infestation, birds, national guards not failing(recalled from Iraq finally), rocket launchers, walking, Boston, hugging, Mary Ann, Sick, Dick and the two leads from the 1953 George Pal classic The War Of The Worlds.
All in all I give it 4 stars and 32 bucks since that is what it cost me for 2 tickets, 2 drinks, a popcorn, a candy and two hours of my life I can't get back. Wait I saw it twice already. Add another 32 and 4 hours of that life thing. Oh hell am going to see it again on Saturday. That's another 32. OK then I give it 4 stars, 96 bucks and 6 hours of my boring life that even if I could get it back I would just go see a movie anyway. Mr. Spielberg keep up the good work and uh could you loan me a few bucks?