War of the Brats

Rating: 5/10 (4 July 2005)

I realize this is a Tom Cruise movie, but does everything have to be about Tom Cruise? Something close to Armageddon for the human race, but that story gets lost in the shuffle: what's really important here is gaining the "respect" of your snotty ex-wife, sullen son, and shrieking daughter. A guy saves your life, gives you and your kid refuge: bludgeon him to death because you think he might make noise. (Never mind that the Martian probes have to have the "mute" button on to have missed Dakota Fanning's operatic wailing. This kid would give Fay Wray a headache.
Which brings us to another point: this movie is an exercise in the kind of sexism that we all guffaw at when a 1950s SF B-movie is sent up on MST3K. Remember how every chick in those movies did everything but phone up the monster and say, "Come on over and kill me?" You know, the sort who, upon seeing, say, the giant tarantula a) stands frozen with horror, then b) covers her mouth, then c) screams, and then d) either faints or finally starts to run away, only to trip over her high heels? The only difference between 1955 and 2005 is that the chick is 10 years younger. Dakota Fanning exists only to be scared and to get herself in trouble so Tom Hero can look brave for saving her (or at least staving in Tim Robbins' head).
This might be a tad less risible if Cruise's heroism consisted of anything more than gunning a stolen car through a mass of refugees, whining "The boat's not full! The boat's not full!" while his 15 year old son actually DOES SOMETHING to try to save lives, and, of course, relying on pure dumb luck coincidence ("Let's take a look in this random vehicle for no particular purpose, say, hello, here are some hand grenades... better hold on to these in case I get sucked into the giant alien sphincter!)
What disgusts me the most, though, is how the death of a billion people, what will surely be decades of privation for the surviving human race, and the first meeting between human and alien species -- all this basically exists only so Tom can gain the respect of his family. Sure, he can't support his kids or buy groceries or even make a decent peanut butter sandwich, but he's a great guy if ya give him half a chance. That really ought to make up for all the carnage, right?