Oh the (in)humanity!

Rating: 3/10 (21 July 2008)

The haters are right. This movie is baaaaaaad. And not in the Michael Jackson sense of Bad. Well, on second thought...
I must admit, The Matrix always left me cold. As a computer programmer, I always thought it was stupid that a guy who didn't even know he was in a computer program was somehow able to outwit the beings who wrote it - inside their own program! So, it lost my interest for being way too unbelievable and way too complicated. I tried to watch it and like it, I really did. I mean, c'mon, Guido the Killer Pimp is in it.
Of course, The Matrix's influence has been felt on many films since it was first released, but probably none more than Wanted. The violence in Wanted makes The Matrix look like Little House on the Prairie. And I finally found something worse than the intricate, convoluted, unbelievable plot in The Matrix: the insubstantial, one-sentence, practically missing plot in Wanted.
I'm going to try to spoil Wanted for you, for a few reasons: (1) the filmmakers don't deserve your money and (2) the marketing team has already spoiled the movie for you.
There is nothing substantial in this movie other than what you've seen in commercials and theatrical trailers: Fox (Angelina Jolie) scoops up Wesley (some guy with a slightly-cooler-than-Toby-Maguire-but-that's-not-saying-much vibe) in a Viper, ridiculous chase ensues. Fox's 'Vette serves as a ramp for Wesley's classic 'Stang, he does a barrel roll over an open-sunroofed limo and whacks a guy. Fox drives Soviet-era sedan into speeding Euro train, ridiculous derailment over a 2000-foot (606-meter) gorge ensues.
Here's what you didn't see: Wesley gets revenge on cheating girlfriend and former best friend, trains with knives, guns and looms, takes healing baths, kills a few people who have nothing to do with anything, misses a big chance to save Fox by hitting her bullet with his bullet (not a euphemism), then kills Easy Reader. The 'big twist' is only an excuse to end this movie exactly when it should be getting started.
Imagine if a James Bond movie ended after the opening sequence. Imagine if Rocky trained with giant logs, slabs of beef, and a screaming, nagging wife but never actually fought anybody. Imagine if Ripley had lifted off from the remote space terra farm without going back for Newt. That's the level of disappointment you'll feel when this movie ends.
Visually, the movie is quite impressive, especially if you love to play Mortal Kombat. However, the abuses of the laws of physics in this film are even more preposterous than the "anything goes, at least for Neo" rules in The Matrix. If there's an Oscar for "Insulting the intelligence of the audience", Wanted is a lock.
This movie manages to be as visually impressive and fast-paced as it is cold, brutal and utterly pointless. For that reason, I can't give it a 1 (or the just as ubiquitous "I wish IMDb had a 0" rating). I also can't pronounce the director's name, but then I can't pronounce M. Night Shyamalan either. However, I do know something both of their films have in common. They're *bleep*.