A film of absolutely no consequence.

Rating: 1/10 (11 June 2014)

Dear Woody Allen
Do you remember "Bananas"in 1971? I reckon that was perhaps your last film to offer at least some entertainment and a few laughs.
Your offering here is beyond embarrassing. Just why, why, why did you feel a need to make this film? It is not funny, it does not entertain, there are no insights, it has no depth, it shows us nothing we have not seen many times before, it mostly doesn't even look good, despite being set in great Barcelona. It is not a comedy, it is not a drama, but it surely is the most lazy piece of film-making I had the misfortune to watch in a long time. And the voice-over is so incessant that one is almost surprised that you have managed to fit in the occasional actual dialogue and movie 'scene'. If you really need this much voice-over to tell your story (well, what banal story there is), perhaps you would be better served trying a radio-play next time - or perhaps only one angle directly on you just reading the script straight to camera. Having said that, there is the odd moment in the arguments between semi-exes Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem when the air just crackles - I suspect this has little to do with your direction or script, but is an indication of what fantastic actor and actress they can be. It puzzles me that you still manage to attract such gifted people to your puny projects. As it is, this film is utterly hollow and simply cringe-worthy.
Please do us all a favour and retire from film-making soon, surely you don't need the money anymore and I certainly can't see that you feel driven as an 'artist'. Listen to your therapist, go on a cruise, take a girl somewhere, drink a long, long cocktail, but spare us your puerile, pubescent and badly made fantasies. Yes, I know, there is always an off-switch; I shall use it from now on when it comes to your movies.