Woody Allen tries to copy Almodovar and fails miserably!!!

Rating: Null/10 (30 May 2017)

Do not believe the 7 stars this movie gets. I'm guessing this is enjoyed by Americans that are too lazy for subtitles and they accept this politically correct lame attempt at copying Pedro Almodovar. The reason I compare the two directors is because this movie takes place almost entirely in Spain, it has Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz in it. And the plot could have been fun had the master Almodovar directed it.
Let's pretend that this was actually made by Almodovar. No annoying narrator. The two American girls would have went with Javier on his friends plane without Hall judging him and turning him down. They would have had sex in a passionate threesome and the girls would have shown their tits (or in Rebecca Halls case, lack of tits) and Javier would have sucked on them. Penelope would have shown up and one of the girls (Hall) would have ended up dead. And the others would have buried her and maybe gotten away with it. There would have been lots of Spanish dishes with references to sex. The characters would have acted immorally. Sex and lust and desire would have been what have driven the story forward. And it would have been fun to watch.
In Allens movie the so called sex-scenes are reduced to kissing, one time in slo-mo (what the hell Allen??) And after the sex which is always skipped the women cover up their tits from the man they just had sex with.
Oh and apparently in Spain artists are rich and successful. As one of Javiers artist friends own a small plane. And of course Javier can fly it and lives in a very nice villa and he has a sportscar. It's ridiculous.
And don't even get me started on the fact that Scarletts character just accepts it when Javier brings home ihis psychotic ex girlfriend who tried to kill him. A normal girl would have packed her bags and left. But not only does Scarlett stay. The three of them eventually becomes lovers until Scarlett gets restless for no reason at all, except that that is how her character is suppose to be and leaves them. So Hall can come back into the Picture with Javier.Come on, Allen, that's just poor writing.
It's also bigot and racist the way Spanish people are portrayed as irresponsible passionate people who only care about sex and never about the consequenses. Yes that is also how they behave in Almodóvars movies, but its in a bizare yuniviverse and it's pure comedy. This movie however tries to come off as a serious drama. Where the uptight Americans in the movie are the ones acting like people should be acting. The fact that Javier and Cruzes characters have that love/hate relationship, Means that they will never be happy. According to Allen. But at least they have passion and are alive, unlike the boring Americans.
What made it possible for me to suffer through this snooze fest, is the stunning Johannson and absolutely beautiful Cruz. The chemistry between Javier and Johansson and between Javier and Cruz is amazing and very real. Hall, however, is too tall, flat chested, boring and annoying and the kind of woman I would slap around as she's judgmental bitch from the get-go of the movie. Her character was not needed and had she not been in in the movie, it would have been more fun. Also the fact that Hall and Johansson are best friends as they're complete opposites, is not believable. Also they're clearly at different stages in their life and Hall seems to be 10 years older than Scarlett.
Avoid this and watch Jamon Jamon instead by Almodovar. And also with Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz, only with passionate sex scenes, Spanish food, horny people behaving irresponsibly and lots of fun.