Sunk by the voice-over!

Rating: 3/10 (22 December 2013)

I'll put up with almost anything from Woody Allen, but the atrocity of the voice-over sinks this film beyond redemption for me, that plus the lazy "tourist fiction" treatment of Barcelona.
This is a pity, because the dialog is great, the acting good and the cinematography wonderful. Penelope Cruz deserves her Oscar and Scarlett Johansen's young female version of Woody (complete with ulcers for goodness sake) is priceless!
But the script background detail seems to have come entirely from the Barcelona half-page in one of those "Europe in a week" guides – Vicky studies the architecture of Gaudi and "Catalan identity", Juan Antonio paints like a cut rate Miro (while Maria Elena paints rather good Miro pastiche, a nice touch), Juan Antonio's poet father seems to be Lorca if he had survived the firing squad.
Now, about that voice-over! My theory is it was written by Woody's lawyer and voice-acted by his orthodontist. Half of it is telling us what we can plainly see on the screen whilst the other half annoyingly and tritely tells us what the characters are thinking. Put a little more faith in your actors and your audience Woody!
I cannot resist some quotes:
"Lunch was served on the terrace" - over a shot of a terrace with people eating a meal while the sun is high in the sky.
"Vicky met her fiancé at the airport" - over a beautifully framed shot of Vicky hugging a guy with suitcases (with whom we've just seen her make wedding plans on the phone) in a big glass building with airliners maneuvering in the background.
"Cristina, Juan Antonio and Maria Elena went riding in the country" – shot of three familiar people riding bikes down a country lane.
"Judy's plans to save Vicky from her fate were put on terminal hold." - Come on, either they were terminated or they were put on hold, it cannot be both – was this doggerel even edited?
The first time I watched this film I genuinely thought I'd accidentally engaged the audio description for people with visual impairment! Unfortunately Woody never revisits his films, but re-cutting to lose the voice-over and add some new location shooting or stock footage to fill a few narrative holes could probably rescue this.