What happens in Europe stays in Europe...

Rating: 8/10 (8 February 2009)

One thing I've noticed about nearly all of Woody Allen's movies is that, regardless of how good the rest of the movie is, the dialogue is generally written and performed with a nearly flawless realism that pushes the surprisingly intricate stories along at a pretty fast pace, often leaving me with the feeling that the story is bigger than the movie and has to be squeezed to make it fit. In order to do this, Allen has recruited the talents of Christopher Evan Welch to provide a narrative voice-over and tell the portions of the story that can't be passed on simply through images and dialogue.
Unfortunately, I developed an inability to see Woody Allen as anyone other than Woody Allen no matter what movie he's appearing in. This is a condition that has endured unchecked within me for the last ten years, since the release of Antz, which starred an animated, insect version of Woody, but who was nevertheless still Woody. He did write the movie, but the narrator speaks in such a distinct Woody Allen style that it becomes a little confusing why he didn't just narrate the thing himself. Or not have a narrator, that might have been a good idea, too. The narration thickens the story and gives it more detail, but it also makes it feel rushed. Here's a little example 
"Vicky was already thinking of herself as a kind of expatriate, not smothered by what she believed to be America's puritanical and materialistic culture, which she had little patience for. She saw herself more as a European soul, in tune with the thinkers and artists she felt expressed her tragic, romantic, free-thinking view of life."
The movie is about characters that Allen can clearly relate to, but that most people in the audience will fail to relate to. We envy their lives, but for the most part we have nothing in common with any of them and thus it becomes difficult to care about them. Luckily, the primary characters, Juan Antonio (Javier Bardem), Cristina (Scarlett Johansson), and Maria Elena (Penelope Cruz) are played by three tremendous actors, and their performances are glowing.
Vicky and Cristina are best friends who decide to spend a couple of summer months in Barcelona with Vicky's family, who live in the area. Vicky is studying Catalan studies, so it seems like the perfect destination. She's into romantic stability and is happily engaged to a man named Doug, who is completely dedicated to her but is, unfortunately, also a massive tool. Cristina, on the other hand, is more impulsive and unpredictable, not afraid to take risks and invite a little turmoil into her life. She recently worked for months on a 12-minute film about love that she then hated, and is now getting shakily into photography. She wanders around Spanish towns taking clichéd photographs of empty alleyways and people, either just sightseeing or for some reason thinking she's doing something original.
While the two of them are eating in a charming café, a good-looking Spanish man approaches them and invites them on a trip, leaving in an hour, to a small town called Oviedo, where the three of them will eat good food, drink good wine, and make love. The different reaction of the two girls sets up the premise that supports the rest of the movie. Vicky is horrified and offended, Cristina is immediately intrigued and ultimately accepts, with "no guarantees."
What follows is a remarkably well-told but dense story about highly developed characters who lead fascinating but chaotic lives but who live in such a way that it's nearly impossible to relate to them in any way. It reminds me of the characters in William Faulkner's intolerable novel "The Sun Also Rises," who also live in Spain and have nothing but money and leisure time. Such a lifestyle is difficult for me to understand or care about.
Juan Antonio is an abstract artist of some acclaim, and has famously been through a violent divorce which was well-covered by the news media. Evidently he and his wife tried to kill each other, but of course their stories differ wildly. A complex series of events leads to Cristina living together with Juan Antonio in his home in Spain and Vicky back in New York and suffering through a series of new emotional hurdles, until one day Maria Elena, Juan Antonio's ex-wife, tries to commit suicide and ends up living with Juan Antonio and Cristina because she has nowhere else to go. Where the movie goes from there is where it really gets interesting and strange, but I won't give anything else away.
By the way, I don't know if you realize this, but European vacations have an astonishing ability to wreck American relationships if only one half of the couple is making the trip. This happened to me with a girl that I dated in college who once traveled in Europe for a summer, and I didn't even find out about it until more than a year later, and by that time I had already gone to Europe myself and committed the same crime! What is it with that place??
Oh and just so you know, one of my best friend's here in China was born and raised in San Sebastian, in the Basque country in northern Spain, and he was deeply unimpressed with the movie. He says it felt like nothing more than a "Lonely Planet Guide to Barcelona!" Personally, I thoroughly enjoyed the story-telling and the performances, particularly the lack of predictability and the many narrative twists and turns. I recommend it.