I love me! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Rating: 2/10 (15 October 2005)

Finally saw this on Bravo last night. Cameron Crowe wants you to think "Vanilla Sky" is a remake of "Abre Los Ojos," but don't you believe it! It's actually a coked-up version of that "Seinfeld" episode where Jerry meets his soul mate, and finally realizes why all his prior relationships have failed: "I've been waiting for ME to come along!"
David is a selfish prick, which is why he demeans the giving Julie as a "f--- buddy." As if the gods hear his prayers, selfish prick Sophia crashes his party. Jabbing him with put-downs until he's punch-drunk with lust, they hit the sack and she coos: "Do you love me? I mean really love me. Because if you don't, I'll just have to kill you." Oh, you crazy kids!
Because this is Cameron Crowe, our hero is obliged to tell us who his favorite Beatle is. This wouldn't be because Paul McCartney wrote the theme, the best song he's cranked out in ages? Unfortunately for Sir Mop Top, the Academy decided to finally end the comparisons between Randy Newman (bless him) and Susan Lucci (bless her).
In a display of shameless narcissism, Cruise does English Patient-Lite because he knows the critics will give him brownie points for "taking risks." Among the masks he carts around like Linus's security blanket is a lavender one! Is Crowe daring to poke fun at his producer and those I'm Not Gay lawsuits he tosses around like confetti? Boy Howdy!
And I don't know about you, but Penélope Cruz morphing into Cameron Diaz is definitely NOT my idea of a nightmare!