Impossible to spoil such an awful movie

Rating: 1/10 (13 September 2013)

Pretentious, boring, lengthy, incomprehensible, Spanish: the bad words keep spilling out. Only the undetermined "attractions" of star Tom Cruise caused this dreadful picture to make the approximately $40m it is billed as having earned. Neither of the two competing horizontals, Penelope Cruise nor Cameron Diaz made any contribution. At least Ms. Cruz has breasts (we saw them), which Ms. Diaz did not (we did not see them). Ms. Diaz, driving to her death, had the line "I swallowed your sperm", which must have come directly from the Spanish script that inspired this still-born movie. I was barely able to keep awake for the whole of this head-banging experience and yearned to switch off: my partner somehow wanted to keep going, but couldn't explain why. I guess it's just wanting to see more of Tom Cruise's uncrushed and mashed facial features, which were restored several times during the incoherent script. Certainly the crash in which he got it wrecked was definitively final and should have killed the megastar and ended this picture. It would have been a favour to us all.