Vanilla Pie in the Face

Rating: Null/10 (27 December 2001)

I love bad movies. This is a good bad movie. And what makes this a good bad movie is that I have never seen such a clearly terrible movie take it self so seriously and honestly believe it has some deeper message about happiness and life. All this movie can be is an excuse to look at pretty people, and boy, are they pretty.
It opens with some well shot sequences. Cruise's pretty boy Richie Rich character, David Aames, drives his silver porshe out into eerily deserted New York City streets. We soon find out it's a dream, which tries to clue the audience in that we're never quite sure what is real and what is fantasy. And when we are watching his real life, it is such a fantasy for your average Joe audience member to see how the other half live (a tv that collapses into the ground! A real Monet painting! More than one apartment in the same building!)
In the first act, as we are introduced to the main characters, I truly did enjoy the boisterous performances from the cast. Cameron Diaz is radiant. Jason Lee is very believable as the slightly jealous but understanding best friend. Even Penelope Cruz, whose nasal semi-english speak is taxing to the ear, fits very well into the dreamer, life-loving dancer role.
No one could have played David Aames like Tom Cruise. That is, the David before the accident. Diaz's "stalker" sex buddy just can not take not being loved anymore and crashes her car with David in it. As a result, David's pretty face is disfigured and scarred. When this is handed to Tom Cruise he seems to only know how to run with it in the straight line cliche of Angry Guy. When he goes to a club and orders a Bud and tequila shot, the bartender doesn't look David in the face. David's angry response is, "look at my face, Bitch". Is it too much for Cruise to tone it down a level? A little more subtlety from his performance is not a lot to ask for. He is either cocky rich boy or angry disfigured man and no in between.
Once he becomes disfiguered the film turns into the bad good movie filled with laughably bad dialogue and uncomfortably awkward scenes. Hearing Cruz's character, Sophia, blurt out, "We'll be together in another life, when we are cats", caused not only me, but the whole audience to chuckle in that, "What the...??..??" way. And any film that uses the all too obvious character that wears a mask (as David does at some points) is just using a cliche crutch. Watching David be analyzed by Kurt Russell's psychiatrist character is like watching a bad bad play written by a bad bad writer. Shrouded in darkness, wearing his mask, David is prodded with such in depth questions as, "What is happiness to you?"
And I don't think we ever really find out what is happiness to his character.