Cover your eyes...

Rating: 1/10 (19 August 2004)

Not because this movie is scary in any amount, but because it is unwatchable.
I loved those old Universal monsters, they were classics. To see the memory of Lugosi, Karloff, and Chaney spit on with this over-hyped piece of celluloid trash was bad enough, but this film had not one thing going for it to make the effort worthwhile. I liked Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, when he showed some charisma, but his role here was completely dull and by-the-numbers standard action fare. Kate Beckinsdale's accent was so laughable. Even David Wenham, who I ADORED in Lord of the Rings and his indie Aussie films, was awful as a sniveling sidekick. I actually felt embarrassed for him.
Dracula was...ugh. Words cannot do it justice. The vampire brides were even worse. Where did they find those girls? A community theater? I thought vamps' fangs were for blood-sucking, not gnawing their way through scenery.
The storyline was so convoluted, I wished I could watch the pitch meeting for Van Helsing instead. "So Dracula...needs electricity from Frankenstein to...bring about evil! Yeah, and there's the Wolfman, and Hyde, and...EXPLOSIONS and junk."
I'm not a movie snob, and I enjoy summer action blockbusters (I loved Riddick, which didn't take itself as seriously as Van Helsing.) But this movie didn't even have good FX. Also lacking was an interesting hero and at least one memorable scene. What a waste. I haven't cringed so much in a theater since...Mission Impossible 2, I guess.