Don't do this to yourself

Rating: Null/10 (11 May 2004)

Ah, the worst film I've seen in about 10 years.
What do you eat on Thanksgiving?
What do you call it when someone scores three consecutive strikes in bowling?
What country has Istanbul as its capital?
That's right....
Yes, it's that bad. I don't generally find any film so bad I would dismiss it as utter rubbish. But this one...........was utter rubbish. I wanted to leave pretty early on but decided to give it a chance. My mistake. Riding on the crest of its own wave of undeserved hype, Van Helsing blew into town with a big reputation, but rarely before has a would-be blockbuster promised so much and delivered.....well, little more than self loathing, self-pity and thoughts of "I could have spent this money on a hooker."

It was badly written.
Badly scripted.
Badly acted.
Badly cast (Come on, Dracula should be a gentleman, perfectly groomed with impeccable manners - balanced of course with an unnerving charm and devastating attack - but sadly we got nothing of the sort)
Badly edited (Never before have I thought, or even noticed, that a film was poorly edited)
Badly scored.
Van Helsing was very unlike Van Helsing - for a start, the guy did not have amnesia. The gadgetry was a trifle ridiculous, although in fairness one must remember to suspend reality to a fair old extent for such a film - but still, it seemed out of place - although I found myself wishing I had possession of that crossbow gun, and an appointment with director Stephen Sommers.
Kate Beckinsale, always easy on the eye, was unusually wooden in her portrayal of Anna, and Jackman lacked everything he brought to the screen in terms of coolness as Wolverine in the X-Men films.
Heed not the foolish mortals who boast of the film's awesome CGI effects - they were out of place and only served to further cement the poor visuals of the movie.
In Van Helsing, there is potential for an absolute cracker of a movie. They could have made it dark, almost sexy even, and given it a great soundtrack. Instead they made it corny and totally cliched, and the supposed comic relief of Igor made little impact. And the soundtrack? Just plain wrong - it only fits the movie in terms of being inappropriate.

If you must go and see this, be prepared to gnaw off your own foot to escape.