"Blockbuster" or "lackluster"

Rating: Null/10 (5 May 2004)

I interviewed a lucky, or rather unlucky, viewer who happened to be chosen for the sneak preview of "Van Helsing". This special effects porn (see note below) might appeal to naive kids who have never heard of Mary Shelly, or Bram Stoker; but, it just goes to prove the point that "a sucker is born every minute." Let me explain.
Firstly, some might consider some of these statements to be spoilers of crucial (though misconceived) plot elements. Nevertheless, you are warned.
This travesty attempts to merge the various monster myths from antiquety; but, does so poorly a job at it that the ludicrous "Clash of the Titans" held truer to the base myths. Within the monster myths, "Abbot & Costello versus [insert monster here]" movies were closer to the mark.
Here are some paraphrases of the comments I heard:
A silver stake through the heart of one of the brides of dracula, and she puffs up in green goo and explodes when the others when pierced with the same stake crumbled to dust? Excuse me, a silver stake does not kill a vampire! The myth says that "only something which once lived" could be used as material for a stake. Also, where is the cutting off the head and burning it; which is also required to prevent the vampire from rising again?
Okay, no myth has ever had Van Helsing kill Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. hyde, or any werewolves, for that matter. The myth tells us that Van Helsing is a bookwork/geek type doctor that studdied the vampire myth for decades and gave advise. He is not a 30-something appearing immortal "left hand of God" who has lived hundreds of years. How does someone think this excrement up and expect to shove it down our thoats.
As for the werewolf myths, the transformation scene in "American Werewolf in London" is far more believable, though my source applauds the flexibility of the actor. Unconvincing special effects include Van Helsing-turned-werewolf grabbing two people by their necks and jumping 2 stories up! Then jumping down and landing with the peoples feet and his hitting the ground at once. Come on! A human neck would either fracture their larnyx, crack instantly, or be ripped off with that kind of lifting force. Even if they could have correctly filmed the scene with him grabbing them around the chest and under the arms, the jump down would have likely broken their legs. Sure the werewolf might have survived unscathed, but the humans would be toast.
The only good things I have to say is that the actors do an excellent job of acting. It is too bad they were saddled with such a contrived script. And the artistry in the ending credits is quite good, if you can manage to make it that far. Frakenstein's exclamation "I want to live!" might better be stated "I want to leave!".
Note: Special Effects Porn is a term that applies to a movie that appears to be wholly created for special effect extraveganzas with a contrived or thin plot (if you can even call it that) linking the special effects scenes in a similar fashion to the so called plots between sex scenes in porn movies.