Bad bad somewhat entertaining

Rating: Null/10 (10 May 2004)

Van Helshing could have been a great movie. Come to think of it, is had everything a movie needs to provide a fun couple of hours: vampires, women in sexy clothes (all hail Kate Beckinsale), vampire hunters and more women in sexy clothes who also happen to be vampires... So where did it all go wrong?
First of all the story is godawful and at times it feels like it was written by a 5 year old. First of all it is cliched to the point of stupidity a thing which is obvious right from the beginning since the movie starts with an angry mob carrying torches and pitchforks and heading to lynch Dr. Frankenstein. The first line we hear in the movie is the good doctor shouting "It's alive, it's alive, it's alive". Also In the same sequence Dracula uses the most used line in vampire films "you can't kill me, i'm already dead..." (note to writters: please stop using this line and its variations in everything about vampires, honestly, it's not even remotely funny anymore...) and of course Frankenstein is aided by Igor who (yeah you guessed it) is a midget with a hump on his back... The story also makes no sense at all: Dracula and his brides wants to release upon the world a horde of his offsprings (some gargoyle like small creatures) probably just for the fun of it since no reason as to why he wants to do it is given. To do that he needs to strap Frankenstein's monster in the machine that Dr. Frankestein used to give life to it. Van Helshing of course has to stop him and kill him before he or his minions (including a werewolf) kills Anna, Kate Beckinsale's character. Brace yourselves for the stupidest plot device yet: Van Helshing works for the Vatican and Anna's family has made an oath to kill Dracula or forever rot in Hell. After an expected turn of events Anna is the last of her family and because her family has helped in the Vatican's war against monsters they can't let the eternal damnation of her family happen so they send in Van Helshing... The titular monster hunter is probably one of the swallowest characters ever seen in cinema. He kills monsters because... well because he is told he has to do so by the Vatican since he suffers from amnesia (amnesia seems to love Hugh Jackman since this is the second character (Wolverine was the first) he plays in a major movie who is troubled by it). To make matters worse, the audience is never given an answer to the most crucial question of the movie: who, or rather what the Hell is Van Helshing anyway?
The script is also dreadful and at times makes absolutely no sense. For example, two of Dracula's brides corner Anna and even though they are hell
bent on killing her, they chat with her for five minutes... I can imagine the end of the dialogue: "Sooooooo and now that we've told you what Count Dracula is like in bed, we have to kill you. If that's ok with you, if not then we're obviously open to discussion..."
Then there's the acting... Acting is the movie's second big flaw. The only one of the major actors who manages to come out unscathed is Hugh Jackman. Kate Beckinsale and Richard Roxburgh (Dracula) are nothing but ridiculous with their very fake Romanian accents. Roxburgh's over-acting, especially in the first minutes of the film, along with some very bad dialog, render Dracula nothing short of a caricature, a thing that would be acceptable if the movie was presented as a parody, but unfortunately it isn't.
The film does have some good things going on for it. The amounts of action presented are huge and will satisfy even the hardest action junkie. The fact that the character's have no developement what so ever diminishes the amount of dialogue and raises the number of action scenes. In fact most sequences go a little like this: Van Helshing has an about one or two minutes long dialog with another character, usually with Anna, a monster attacks and an action scene ensues... So it never really gets boring. Most action sequences are good but some, like one involving six horses carrying a carriage and jumping in perfect unisson across a chasm, are plainly illogical and cause laughter.
The film's other high point is the way it looks. The cinematography is excellent especially an early vista of Paris with the Eiffel tower under construction in the background and Dracula's Ice Fortress do manage to create a dark atmosphere. The costumes are also very good. But what steals the show are the special effects. The CGI werewolves are very realistic even up-close and the sequences of vampires turning to bat creatures and humans turning into werewolves as well as the final Dracula and Van Helshing showdown are breath-taking. All in all, the film is excellent eye candy.
Van Helshing is a bad movie almost in every aspect. If you expect a dark and most of all serious movie about the famous vampire hunter then avoid it at all costs. The film is so campy that at times it feels like a Saturday morning Cartoon (Toonsylvania sprung in mind when i heard and saw Igor...) If you want to see some really cool action scenes and SFX and you don't care much about trivial things like say a good story and plot than don't miss it. By the way, a note to Steven Sommers: there's a reason why people don't make movies like the monster movies of the 30s, that's because they now seem campy and ridiculous... Some things belong in the past. And a closing note to Kate Beckinsale: whatever they pay you, never, NEVER play in a film without using your native accent! Believe me it's for your own good.]
So from me Van Helshing gets a very generous 5 out of ten.