86 proof Hesling

Rating: Null/10 (22 May 2004)

I thought it'd be kinda fun to write a review while I was totally blotto. Is that the right word? Like, drunk. Because writing a review sober got really dull. So, now I have a beautiful perspective on this Van Hesling mess. And it was a fine mess I got myself into! Like Laural and Hardy, get it! HA! Don't you hate exclamation marks?! They are so presumptuous! And you know what?! This was a really fun movie. It was just like being on a thrill ride that goes up and down and back and forth and round and round...oh boy, I feel like I'm gonna puke. Fortunately I wasn't drunk when I was sitting in my theater seat, which was so much like a thrill ride. BANK TO THE RIGHT! NOW TO THE LEFT! It was just like that. So, if you want a thrill ride, go to Disneyland, or this movie. Or, maybe you like 6 Flags. I like Disneyland's Space Mountain, but it's been closed forever while they are making it into a new ride. It's taking them 3 years to change the best ride at Disneyland. Why don't they just leave it alone and take 3 years to make a different ride? I'll tell you why, because they put all the new rides over in California Adventure! Is that a rook or what?! But fortunately they put all the goodies into just one ride here, called Van Hesling! Like, flying bat women! They are the coolest thing from any movie ever made. And it's a really long movie, so you get your moneys worth even if you buy some bon bons. I've never bought bon bons, but I sure would like to someday. But until then, I give this movie a nine out of ten. Don't you hate it when somebody says they really like a movie but they won't commit to give it a full ten out of ten. Like, "I'm too cool to give any movie but Citizen Kane ten out of ten because I don't want to lose the respect of all my fans who are just waiting until I write my next review so they'll be able to go to a movie again." Yeah, so there you go.