Dismal with highlights

Rating: 4/10 (22 October 2004)

OK. I admit it. I usually have a soft spot for things like this. I like to see a bit of mindless action every now and again, and as I shuffled into the cinema with my mountain of popcorn I was eager to see the latest take on the vampire story. Yes, my expectations were pretty low, but I still anticipated a certain basic standard.
Van Helsing, however, sets itself an extremely low standard which it fails to maintain. A cross bow which fires with the speed of a machine gun. Ridiculous Romanian accents which wouldn't convince a deaf person. A sniveling, cowardly monk who makes a limp attempt to imitate Q from James Bond, and FAILS. I'm sure you're getting the picture. But let's not be too hasty. I'm not saying this has nil points for entertainment value. There is action, even if it is bloated with special effects which make the film look like a computer game. It's simply rather uninspiring and not anything we haven't seen before. Certainly not enough to make up for the poor script, ill-planned plot and disconcerting length, though.
Hugh Jackman was the big disappointment for me. He looked like he'd spent a bit too much time applying fake tan; his character was meant to be rough and over-worked, but he turned out far too pretty to be convincing in the role. Overall his performance was dire. Richard Roxborough was much better as Count Dracula (not to mention better looking), but he was also weaker than he should have been. Roxborough is a fair actor and I think he could have made the role more his own if there wasn't so much focus on special effects in the film. Unlike Jackman, he is not beyond redemption.
Finally, there is the lovely Kate, who from her clothing I gathered to be some kind of Romanian cowgirl. Well, she can saddle up and ride away, so far as I'm concerned. She was stronger than Jackman, though, and I certainly preferred her to the leering vampiresses. The scene in which she danced with the count was visually one of the most spectacular, although the dialogue was intensely annoying at that point. Nice dress. Wouldn't mind one of those.
Well, if I haven't put you off, please get down to a video store right now and rent out Van Helsing. It's not beyond the bounds of possibility that you'll enjoy it. But it isn't a GOOD film, and that's the material point.4 out of 10. The only real highlights are in Hugh Jackman's hair.