Don't look too hard...

Rating: Null/10 (8 May 2004)

WARNING, SPOILERS - Continue at your own discretion
What do you get when you take one part Vampire Hunter D, one part Young Frankenstein, a little Castlevaynia, sight-gags, CGI action sequences, and then hand it all over to the guy who pumped out The Mummy series?
Nothing terribly outstanding, actually.
That said, it's an entertaining movie with a few good jokes, a couple of decent scares (more like intense startles brought about by loud noise), fairly good action sequences, semi-hip and vaguely humorous dialogue, and a passion for people falling down (try counting the number of times you see people falling and or swinging in this film - you'll run out of fingers to count on in the first ten minutes).
The problem is that it's a summer blockbuster, which doesn't mean it's a throwaway, but it's not meant to be anything. It's not someone's personal vision, which I think we can all understand and forgive, but even for a bit of entertainment, it's pretty shallow. The plot (rather decent, considering) moves at a breakneck pace, but not in the good way. Rather than being designed to keep you on the edge of your seat in suspense and have your knuckles white in anxiety, the film seems to offer an apologia for it's lack of substance by hurtling the film forward so as to keep the audience from looking too hard.
Another problem is that it tries to present the movie from too many different angles. It attempts to pay tribute to the classic horror films and stories, and at the same time make a halfhearted attempt at Indiana Jones-esque comedy, while simultaneously trying to eche out a place in the overflowing world of action films. The film seems almost confused as to which direction it's heading at any given time. Kind of like The Mummy, but with less effort.
The biggest problem is a lack of sympathy for the characters. I couldn't find it in me to feel anything for Van Helsing - an introspective, wry, ominous hero played by Jackman, a man who's fast becoming well known for playing just such a character. Forget trying to equate this Van Helsing with the academic Van Helsing from Stoker's work. It'll make your head hurt and possibly make your eyes cross from the effort. You also have his token comic relief assistant, Carl (another category with almost limitless and unvarying examples) who actually does have a few good funny moments. Then there's Count Dracula, a character I knew I wouldn't care about for one reason - there are more Dracula films running around in this world than there are grains of sand, and most of them are about as indistinguishable.
The only two characters I found myself interested in were those of Anna, played by the almost incapacitatingly gorgeous Kate Beckinsdale (she seems to have found a niche in flicks where vampires fight werewolves), and that of Igor played by Kevin O'Conner (any similarity between Igor and Beni from The Mummy is entirely...obvious?). Still, and here comes the spoiler part, when Anna dies at the end of the film, it really didn't matter to me.
The rest of the cast is pretty throw away, along with the characters they play. Frankenstein's monster is in it. Not really important. We never really get why anything is going on or how it's happening. Many plots are dealt with very briefly and then dropped. Like Van Helsing's origins - presumably he's the angel Gabriel and he's been fighting for hundreds upon hundreds of years? Who knows!? They never even bother to entice you with the knowledge of the truth!
On a plus side, there's a guy in this flick who looks and acts so much like Riff Raff from Rocky Horror Picture Show that it's disturbing! I kept waiting for the entire cast to break into the Time Warp! And then I would've been angry. Mostly disturbed.
In summation, take your chick to this film. Otherwise just watch the trailer and realize that you've just seen the entire film. Not a BAD film, but...well you know.