One of the best comedies made this decade! (Everybody rope swings!)

Rating: 1/10 (12 August 2006)

What a hilarious movie!
This version of Dracula was the most foppish, nonthreatening fancy boy ever to be on screen. Don't make him mad or he'll sneer and make a snide comment. Or worse yet, he'll get one of his undead midget zombies to... uh, I don't know, uppercut your knee cap and bite your ankle?
Frankenstein's monster was not only loaded with hackneyed dialog but was a great addition to the absurdity. And his retarded gait is one of the funniest ways of walking since David Cross's impersonation of a strut in "Pootie Tang." Not to mention the funniest scene in the whole movie where we get to see Frankenstein's monster swing from a wire three times in a row in what looks like the same scene looped over and over and over. It made beer shoot out of my nose I was laughing so hard.
The Wolfman was simply ridiculous. Werewolves are big, sure but when are they supposed to be twenty feet tall? Bigger than Frankenstein's monster? And am I supposed to believe this Saturday morning cartoon quality computer generated thing is actually interacting with the characters on screen? Please tell me this was supposed to be funny.
The sexy heroin was also a laugh riot. The thought that anyone could fight anything supernatural or not while wearing a corset with stiletto boots is worth a few chuckles. Sexy? Sure, but so impractical. It's like fighting off zombie Nazis with Bettie Page and Dita von Teese or ghost hunting with the Playboy bunnies.
And Van Helsing? Apparently the creators of this movie never bothered to read "Dracula" or even see all the "Dracula" movies. This is a cookie cut facsimile of exactly what American cinema does to characters from classic literature: Take a good character and make him a macho cowboy. This version of Van Helsing doesn't even know what a freakin' vampire is.
And he works for the Vatican which apparently manufactures spy gear for supernatural slaying like the Q- branch in James Bond films. (Obviously, the director like James Bond movies so much he copied the Q- gadget scene with little to no scruples. Is the Pope M, then?)
About the special CGI effects? The computer animation from "The New Adventures of Johnny Quest" was not only more convincing than "Van Helsing's" but was also a more noble effort. The battle between werewolf Helsing and Bat- form Dracula looks like two guys playing "Soul Caliber" except the graphics in the movie aren't as good as an Xbox or Playstation 2.
As a horror/ action movie: this simply sucks. Oh, my god, I can't convey in words how much this sucks. Watching someone else play "Castlevania" is tenfold better than suffering through this tripe.
But as a comedy? Absolutely hilarious. Grab some beers and some friends and get ready to let the absurdity and hackneyed Hollywood crap that is "Van Helsing" rip your sides open.