Dross

Rating: Null/10 (11 May 2004)

Well, I beg to differ.
I went expecting a darkish, stylish(ish) movie that would appeal to both kids and adults, light on plot and attention to detail. I was mistaken in my assumptions.
Hugh Jackman's Wolverine was cool, hard, and got the best lines. Hugh Jackman's Van Helsing... well, he was relatively hard I guess. Actually, he was a little too much so.
The old-school vampire hunter is an iconic image with his long coat, wide-brimmed hat and crossbow, even if this image has not been realised fully in cinema (Vampire Hunter D comes closest, but that's Manga crap). A guy decked out like that should be, well... cool. If Jackman, Sommers and the rest responsible for this debacle couldn't even pull that off, then the rest was doomed from the start.
Whilst the plots of most monster mash films are usually only scaffoldings for some set-pieces VH appears to have drafted in the storywriting talents of some actual scaffolders. Gosh! Frankensteins monster died really quick didn't he? He won't be coming back at all! Gosh! The Gypo prince died quickly, plummeting off-screen with a werewolf like that and all. I wonder if he was maybe bitten and might turn into a werewolf? No - surely not.
The real gripe of the film for me has to be the sheer level of 're-imagining' that has gone on. Obviously, the characters (Dracula, VH et al) are not going to be true to the source material, otherwise you wouldn't have a film. But if you are going to use the name of an established character there has to be SOME element of the original character in it. The 'real' literary VH was a) Dutch b) old and frail and c) a professor of medicine. This is slightly at odds with a hard transylvanian guy who killed Dracula when he was still a mortal. And who has been alive for at least 1800 years. Call me picky...
And whilst I'm being picky...
Yes, the crossbow looked cool. But why did it have a strut at all, given that it didn't do anything?
Gosh, what could an invention that produces a light as bright as the Sun do? And why couldn't the story monkeys work out whether vampires could cope with the Sun or not?
Anyone notice the ripping-off of the concept of Mr Hyde as the murderer at the Rue Morgue? And my, it was humorous to have him look like Wolverine, wasn't it? My mistake.
Overall, in MY humble opinion this movie was about as attractive and aromatic as a freshly laid dog egg. I haven't begrudged Â£5.00 as much as when I saw Dungeons & Dragons (I know - I got what I deserved with that one). Avoid.

Oh yes, my fiance loved it - something to do with the lead. (And Frankensteins monster was well-realised).