Requires a high tolerance for stupidity

Rating: 4/10 (14 April 2005)

The only reason I rated this film a four instead of a three is because it held my attention. I may not have been bored, but I was, however, extremely annoyed, almost to the point of being offended. It felt as if the filmmakers gave their their audience no credit for intelligence whatsoever, confident that if they give us enough big-name stars, splashy special effects, PG-13 sexiness, and fast food promo tie-ins that we will gladly shell out $8 bucks for admission and $5 for popcorn and go home happy, without offering us anything of actual quality.
Essentially, Van Helsing is a cartoonish genre blend of sci-fi, fantasy, thriller, and comedy. Yet, the real comedy in the film is unintentional; some points in the film are just so dumb you can't help but laugh. Why is Kate Beckinsale dressed like a cross between a matador and a dominatrix? Why dose she go out to fight vampires wearing high heels and heavy jewelry? How is it that she gets thrown across the room several times over without ever messing up her hair? Why does the entire region of Transylvania appear to consist of a single village? How is it that Beckinsale and Jackman fall into a river, yet five minutes later are completely dry? Why is a woman is the most remote part part of Eastern Europe in the 1880's wearing a pair of crack-riding spandex pants? How is it that Jekyll/Hyde doesn't bleed when he gets an entire arm lopped off? It seems these are not considered important details by the film makers, who assume viewers are either not going to notice or not going to care. Well, I noticed, and I cared, but that's just me.
On that note, they also take huge liberties with historical accuracy, right from the very beginning of the film. Van Helsing the creature- killer refers to Mr. Hyde as a "deranged sociopath", a term which had not yet been invented in the 1880's, before the practice of psychoanalysis was known. Not long afterward, another character refers to Istanbul, which back then was still called Constantinople. Throughout the film, Van Helsing liberally sips absinthe from a flask. Not many people have seen absinthe before, but it is a cloudy, key-lime green color. In the film, it is transparent and bright emerald green, like Nyquil. Furthermore, absinthe was served in an almost ritualistic manner that involves burning a sugar cube over the glass before imbibing; only a rube would go around sipping from a flask. It is also mildly hallucinogenic and even quite toxic in large amounts, which is why it's now illegal. Van Helsing would have been a complete idiot to go around swigging it like it's Red Bull.
Although the film uses classic horror films as a point of reference, there's really nothing scary about it at all. Practically every classic horror story ever known is mishmashed into the plot, no matter how briefly; all that's missing is 'The Invisible Man' and 'The Mask of Fu Manchu', and that's probably just because the writers couldn't think of a way to fit them in. Some people may call this ambitious; I think it's just silly.
If none of these issues bother you, go ahead, rent it; everyone is entitled to turn off their brain for a couple hours a day. But if you consider cogent plot lines, character development, intelligent writing and a cohesive narrative indispensable, you might want to skip this.