Hollywood tries to cheat and pack in the familiar faces

Rating: 4/10 (9 May 2004)

If there was any truth to the notion that Hollywood has run out of new ideas and even less unique characters, one has to look no further than the recent crop of box office fodder we have been fed over the past few years.
In efforts to rip our hard earned dollar from our pockets with once proven yet stale characters, the cinema has tried a new approach of coupling these faded franchises into the same story. One only needs look at Freddy vs. Jason, Aliens vs. Predator or even the notably bland League of Extraordinary Gentlemen to see the newest trend of familiar characters against a common enemy.
The recent attempt at this warfare tactic is the biggest and boldest risk yet in Universal Studio's Van Helsing. With adds swarming about a one man's crusade against the Wolfman, Dracula and Frankenstein it's a way of almost tricking the audience into thinking they are getting three movies for the price of one. Add Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde who makes a rather large cameo early on in the film and you have seasons one through four of the X-Files minus any alien abductions.
For those of you who may not be aware of this almost a quarter of a billion dollar adventure (this number includes the lucrative advertising budget and sequel rights), Hugh Jackman (Wolverine in the X-Men franchise) plays the title character who is commissioned by the church to rid the world of the evil creatures it harbors. After a memorable chase with Mr. Hyde, Van Helsing is dispatched to Eastern Europe to stop Dracula and his gang of monsters from channeling the efforts of Dr. Frankenstein and bringing to life the dead offspring of the Count and his wives.
Conceding that this is not enough to propel a blockbuster film, we also are introduced to the lovely Kate Beckinsale (who no doubt was still wearing the same wire harness she perfected in last years Underworld) as Anna Valerious, the last in a line of hereditary challenges for the Dracula family. Van Helsing's role is then quite clear, he must save the Valerious family and set them free from purgatory, foil the plans of the count, hide his decision to save the Frankenstein monster from his superiors while trying to race against time and find not only the answers to his own legacy but also to inject himself with a cure for the Wolfman curse to which he has been infected. Whew!
You would think that with all this going on, all these familiar evil characters that we grew up on with Saturday afternoon matinees, that we would be in for a roller coaster ride of the can't fail variety.

If you thought as did I, you are in for a disappointment.
As a critic, it is always easier to pick out the bad in films, so let me start there. Even though writer/director Stephen Sommers has given Universal an incredibly lucrative franchise in The Mummy (followed by The Mummy Returns and The Scorpion King, the three combined for nearly $850 million at the worldwide box office), he has never been one much for character development. A master of the special effects and CGI action, I would expect that when storyboarded, this film must have looked incredibly fun with the studio licking its chops at the theme park possibilities. However, when put on the big screen, the characters were all bland. Dracula was never frightening, Frankenstein was a wimp (granted if you read the book, it stays true to his good nature), and only the Wolfman offers any kind of real peril.
With the supporting cast as backdrops, the hopes would be that the leading crew of Jackman and Beckinsale would rise to the occasion, but together they offer not one ounce of chemistry and although human fighting the supernatural they seem to be able to fall from incredible distances or get thrown into walls without as much as an Advil for back pain. If these characters don't seem to falter after being manhandled by creatures ten times their strength, then where is the adventures? Where is the sense of urgency?
Granted, I am not blaming the two leads for this mess. They really didn't have anything to work with. The whole cast are forced to not show smiles while uttering such as `I don't know if you've looked in the mirror lately, but you kind of stick out in a crowd' (said to Frankenstein) or `Too bad, so sad' as orated to Van Helsing to by one of the Counts evil brides. Even when they are trying to be funny, they don't seem to hit on any consistent cylinders. It actually reminded me of The Mummy Returns in 2001 when I witnessed what I still profess today to be the only movie that has over 50 attempts at humour and does not hit one note. Van Helsing is just as bad. When a friar walks into a room just vacated by the Wolfman, he asks rhetorically, `What smells like wet dog in here?' and when Igor is asked why he tortures the Wolfman he says, `It's what I do' in a very annoying accent. When these and countless other expected catchphrases were thrust upon the audience, I swear, you would hear crickets in the background where the director paused in the action expecting laughter.
To give the film its chops, I will say that the production values and the special effects are top rate. In fact, that is the only reason why the film will be a success and not end up on cable as quick as LXG. The Wolfman was evolved to a point where watching even An American Werewolf in London might now finally seem dated. And it was more 21st century to see Dracula turn into a six-foot bat instead of a flying rodent that we were used to in the old Bela Legosi films.
This movie is however critic proof. Fans of the genre have been awaiting it with bated breath and the 2004 summer film fleet is now aligned and firing with this early entry. It is just too bad that they couldn't have done more or in looked at previous attempts and done less. If Daredevil and Electra fighting Bullseye and The Kingpin were a benchmark, Universal should have taken a page from this lesson to learn that more sometimes isn't always better.
All this said, I am developing a script for Pee Wee Herman vs. the Star Wars Jawa's that I hope you buy into next year.