I've got a bad feeling about this...

Rating: 2/10 (29 May 2004)

(WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD)
OK, before I even start this, lets just say my expectations were extremely low. The previews for Van Helsing gave me flash-backs to League of Exdrodinary Gentlemen, which isn't a good thing. The flick started off alright, with a nice fight between Helsing and Dr. Jeckyl (Mr. Hyde?). However, thats where the fun pretty much ends. As a movie goes on, one expects the characters to be developed and given, well, character. All we know about Helsing is that he was found by the Vatican, and he hunts monsters for some secret government agency. When the protagonist has a mysterious past, its expected that in the movie, he's going to find out his past history. This, of course, never happens. At any time does the movie even try to tell the audience where this man came from.
Anyway, our protagonist goes on a journey to, wait for it, Transylvania where he, wait for it again, battles Dracula! Now this isn't your normal, everyday Dracula, who is slick, sly and seductive. This is a bad thing. Just when I thought the writer (Steven Summers) couldn't make a character less dimensional then Helsing, he tosses in Dracula. For some reason Dracula needs both Frankenstein's monster and a werewolf to raise his army of vampire offspring. Dracula, who is thousands of years old, calls Helsing by the name Gabriel. Apparently, he and Helsing have been battling for centuries, but neither Helsing nor the audience is ever fully clued in to this fact. Dracula only gets lamer when his weakness is revealed. For a reason unknown, Dracula is immune to the usual vampire slaying repitoir of sun light, garlic, and stakes to the heart. His only weakness is, werewolves. Wait, dosn't Dracula employ werewolves? Yes, he employs them for his personal protection, which is totally ludacris. Would Superman wear kryptonite underwear because of the added support? I think not. Oh yeah, Dracula is also a married man, three times over, who knew.
If I had a dollar for evertime I saw a twenty minute long "fight scene" between the brides of Dracula, or a werewolf, or any monster and Helsing, I could have paid for the movie, thrice. This presents another problem. Van Helsing is an action movie by nature, and one would assume that the movie sensibly sacrifices plot for explosions, death, and snappy one-liners, however it fails miserably at presenting any good action qualities. It regurgitates the same fights, by moving the location and number of people in the fight. The first fight will be on par with other recent action movies, the others will bore you to tears. The character development problem plagues this movie to every extent. Frankenstein's Monster, a John Goodman-esque meat-head, is either a super intelligent genius or a complete blithering idiot. Somewhere Mary Shelly is spinning in her grave at 100mph. Helsing discovers this poor sack in a cave, which Helsing conveniently fell into, and immediately falls in love with it. Even after Frankenstein insist that Helsing kill him because he is the key to Dracula's evil plan, Helsing insist that he won't, and that he must protect Fathead, and thus drag the dying horse of a movie on for another hour. Lastly, the movie takes itself way too seriously, for a flick that should've been a mindless monster bashing. Steven Summers, seems to think that when people go to action movies such as Van Helsing they are expecting to see a moving story with intense. This, of course, isn't true. Action movies should contain minimal plot, but still contain enough smooth and witty dialogue so the audience doesn't fall asleep from repeditive fight scenes made up of characters who the audience could care less died.
When making an action movie, a writer/director must follow three simple rules: 1) The enemy must be something hated by all: I suggest Natzi's, Commies, Terrorists, Robots from the future, Aliens, all of which will be hated by all red-blooded Americans, forever. 2) Special Effects alone don't make an action movie: Hooray! Explosions and Monsters that look soooooo real. Special effects work only when applied sensibly, or with good use (see Jurassic Park or Lord of the Rings). They are not made to replace dialouge or character development. 3) The audience MUST be able to connect with the protagonist: Whether its a vampire hunter or a NY police officer, the audience must be able to see life in the leading role. A lame character has no pull on the audience when the movie puts said character into danger.
Van Helsing failed on mostly every level. I'll give it points for nice visuals, but after two and a half hours, they get old. This is one of the first movies I've been too where I've seen people leave then movie before its been finished and show looks of disgust after the movie finished (and I saw 8 legged freaks). If your not wanting to pay 7+ bucks to see the poster for Spiderman 2 and the trailer for The Village, go to the library and read Bram Stroker's Dracula and Merry Shelly's Frankenstein, or if your not into the reading thing just rent some old monster movies. Trust me on this one.
Rating: * (1 out of 5 stars)