My eyes! My eyes!

Rating: 1/10 (9 November 2005)

I'll save you the trouble of watching this movie in two words: DORKULA LIVES!
This is one of the worst things I've seen, EVER. It knocked John Carpenter's Vampires out of the #1 spot on my list of Worst Vampire Movies I've Ever Seen ...and I watched Dracula 3000! This movie has a good cast. I am amazed that there is so little good acting. It's been a long time since anything I saw in a film had me wanting to claw out my eyes. Half the reason I didn't was that doing so would require me to stop covering my ears. The dialogue was dreadful, but not nearly so dreadful as the cringingly stereotypical fake accents sported by half the cast.
Kate Beckinsale's character is supposed to be a gypsy, but neither she nor her brother not her entourage dress, act or seem to think like Roma. The word is just tossed in there. It would have been much better, I think, to refer to them as Romanian nobles and leave it at that. It doesn't help that she looks like she's dressed up as a pirate for Halloween.
Most of this movie had me wondering just how stupid the writers think their viewers are, but the ending topped it all. Since there are probably people out there who would enjoy this movie -- though I have little idea why -- I won't give details on it, but let's just say I was worried that the Care Bears were going to show up.
Redeeming points: Frankenstein is done fairly well, as are the patterns of movement on the vampires as they fly. This movie has the best werewolf visuals I've ever seen. There are also hints of a good story going on in the background with the mystery of Van Helsing's unknown past, but instead of playing these up as a real subplot, this movie buries them under piles and piles of some of the stupidest writing I've ever seen.