What you get depends on what you expect

Rating: Null/10 (6 May 2004)

I'm going to warn you right now: what you get out of "Van Helsing" completely depends on what you're expecting. I enjoyed the movie, but I really wish it had been a little bit more serious than it was. I was hoping for something along the lines of "Underworld" with more special effects, but "Van Helsing" is somewhere between "The League of Extraordinary Gentleman" and "The Mummy Returns." Let me clarify: it's better than LXG, but it has sort of the same cartoonish feel.
But the movie has so much going for it that it's hard not to be entertained. You've got a good-looking cast, good-looking scenery, good-looking effects, and a GREAT atmosphere. Women will love Hugh Jackman (I know Stephanie did) and his shirtless self, and the guys (unless you're Richard Simmons) will love Kate Beckinsale (I know I did). Kate and her tight pants presence automatically add two "targets" to my rating.
Keep in mind, there is definitely some cheesy and goofy stuff in the movie that'll make you shake your head. For example, the fake Transylvanian accents really don't help the movie. Why couldn't they have just let Kate talk in her cute little British accent? And Dracula sounds like a mix of Count Chocula and The Count from "Sesame Street." I kept expecting him to say, "Ah-ah-ah. One vampire bride! Ah twoooo vampire brides! Threeeeee vampire brides! Ah-ah-ah." Where were Booberry and Frankenberry??? Sadly, Richard Roxburgh's Dracula is what hurts the movie most. He isn't menacing at all. If I stumbled upon his lair my biggest danger would be dying from laughter after he started flipping his ponytail around and talking in his silly accent.
Steph (my better half): Yeah, but the movie has Hugh Jackman, and you know, he's kind of hot.
I'm sure many girls will agree with you, Stephanie, but some moviegoers are looking for more substance than how good someone in the cast looks.
Mr. Shade (my friend): Well, Johnny, there's Kate Beckinsale, and you know, she's kind of hot.
BOOOYEAH! You got that right, Mr. Shade! HIGH FIVE! *looks around* Oh yeah, I don't do high fives. Um, anyway...
Some of the CGI is great. Mr. Hyde looks much better than LXG's version. He's the best bad guy in the movie, showing lots of personality. And I liked the werewolf transformations. But some of the CGI doesn't work so well. For example, there's one scene where a team of horses jumps a broken bridge ... ouch. The only way they could've made it look faker is if Joan Rivers was driving the team.
But if you can laugh it off, make fun of it, and enjoy the next round of Van Helsing kicking Monster buttocks then you'll enjoy it. This movie is a loud, fast-paced, action-packed ball of cotton candy. We're talking all-out monster mayhem here. It's a non-stop bombardment of special effects and CGI, and Stephen Sommers' was obviously intent on overpowering us with imagery, so if that sort of thing bothers you then "Van Helsing" might not be the movie for you.
There's also a little humor thrown into the proceedings, most of it coming from Friar Carl (David Wendham) and his less-than-courageous persona. Some of it works, some of it doesn't. Near the end of the movie Mr. Shade turned to me and said that he was hoping Van Helsing, who is fighting monsters in the name of God, would tell one of the baddies, "I'm gonna hit you with so many left hands of God that you'll be begging for a right hand of God." That little Chuck Norris tribute would've absolutely ruled. I'm pretty sure most of the audience would've groaned, but I would have laughed heartily.

THE GIST
"Van Helsing" isn't all I was hoping it would be, but I quickly accepted that and enjoyed it for what it is - an adrenaline-fueled, CGI monster ride with lots and lots of eye candy. Critics will hate it, and if you're looking for a serious exposition regarding the complex vampire/werewolf world (ala "Underworld") then guess what, you ain't gettin' it. But if you like your summer blockbuster to be a roller coaster ride with lots of unbelievable, in-your-face action and you can laugh off the silly stuff, then you can have fun with "Van Helsing." I did.
Steph: Yeah, plus there's Hugh Jackman, and you know, he's kind of hot.
Mr. Shade: Kate Beckinsale too!