Typical Garbage with Too Much CG

Rating: 1/10 (5 May 2004)

I never thought I would say this, but this is perhaps one of the worst movies I've seen in a long time; it is actually worse in many respects than New York Minute. The major problem with Van Helsing is that in some ways is in the expectations, which are mainly due to the over-advertising we've been bombarded by since the Super Bowl. This is one of those May releases that everyone gets excited for, and every time you turn on the TV you either catch an ad for it, or one of its immensely attractive stars sitting comfortably on Jay Leno's couch, discussing how amazing an experience it was to make this movie. I wish that experience had translated over to the audience I was sitting with.
Van Helsing fails because there is really no reason to watch it. The whole movie is an excuse to do CG, and every place that you could possibly conceive of having a CG image, Van Helsing gives you two. This film seems like what watching a really high strung individuals daydreams would be like: nothing is static, nothing is developed, everything is constantly in motion, and by the end, you just feel sick to your stomach. The main plot, and I will try not to simplify it too much, is as follows: Gabriel Van Helsing works for a secret agency in Rome that kills monsters. He has to travel to Transylvania to help save a family from Purgatory. Action ensues, attractive people share screen time, there are tons and tons of CG effects, convenient plot twists occur, and the movie ends. In between these `plot points', we are treated to average action augmented with an incredible amount of average CG. I felt like I was watching a movie on the Sci-Fi channel about crocodiles that kill babies or something, because the effects are so below average they become honestly distracting. If there was a plot, and I'm pretty sure there wasn't one, I was so distracted by the bad CG and lack of real environments that I just completely missed it.
The acting is average, although a little bit more hammy and fun than I had expected. For a movie that looks this dark and has this much action, trying to recreate The Mummy was not a wise idea. What made The Mummy work was the actors really being interested in playing these characters out, as well as the characters themselves being funny and interesting. The characters in Van Helsing are flat, uninteresting, and seem to be going through the movie on `bad action film' rails. There are some ups, downs, but mostly this ride just makes you feel sick.
In all honesty, I can't even enjoy this film as a campy throwback to an older era, where films were actually made on soundstages and sets had to be constructed. The physical reality of movie making used to inhibit the imagination of these wild directors, in that their visions had to be tempered to what was possible. This would result in excellent compromises between reality and fantasy, and would also force filmmakers to focus on characters as opposed to scenery. Nowadays, with computers, most filmmakers are not limited in their imaginations, and it all pours out onto the screen like so much vomit into an airplane toilet. After awhile, I just don't care about `cool' or `being impressed', and this film was trying to do both with CG. If you want to make a good movie, focus on the characters and the story. If those are strong, CG can really help, and not be such a distraction.
3 out of 10