Don't waste your time- Wait for it to come on cable

Rating: 3/10 (15 May 2004)

It has been proven... not everything can cure boredom! Hmm, no that's not true Van Helsing cures boredom but unfortunately replaces it with disgust. If it were possible to get a refund of my time, I'd be the first in line.
What was so horrible you ask? OK, maybe I'm being a little hasty. It was not the worse movie I have seen, but it might bump Oscar (with Sylvester Stalone) out of the number 3 spot. The story, if you look at it in a very vague and abstract way COULD have been great. Yes, one might call the plot a bite trite- the same story has been done in one way or another several times that I can think of, but with just a bit more imagination, it could have worked. However, the writing was only adequate at best, and the acting, well... let's just say I enjoyed Hugh Jackman better in Kate & Leopold! Kate Beckinsale- the best thing I can say about her is at least she's pretty! Her acting was horrific and the poor girl couldn't have been costumed worse if my seven-year-old cousin drew the clothing on a paper towel!

Each character seemed to be ripped from the pages of every bad Dracula/Frankenstein knock off ever made. Bram Stoker's Dracula it is not! Gee, it's not even Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series(even I wouldn't say Van Helsing was as bad as the Buffy movie)! The three brides of Dracula, think the movie Hocus Pocus (Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker) add 5 cent vampire teeth from a vending machine and there ya go.
The overall feel of the film reminded me of a bad 1980's B horror film with just a bit of the old soap opera, Dark Shadows. You could have given be a computer from 1974 and I probably could have come up with better graphics and special effects.
OK, OK it wasn't a total waste. There was one bright spot. David Wenham was absolutely adorable as Carl, the geeky genius friar side-kick. He was funny, lovable, witty and if the rest of the film was even a trifle better, he'd have been a brilliant supporting actor. As we all know however, one actor can't save a film.
Now, I never said I did this for a living, but I know what I like and I can tell you, VAN HELSING IS NOT IT! There's no reason to spend any money or your time running out to see this film. Wait for it to come on HBO/Cinemax/Showtime/TMC/Starz real late at night when you can't sleep. THEN, and MAYBE ONLY then would it be worth it.