Mentally challenged film (SPOILERS)

Rating: Null/10 (16 May 2004)

Van Helsing is an abysmally stupid film. As I write this review, I have had to delete almost every sentence I've written. I can't even begin to articulate how idiotic it is. I suppose I'll just have to number off the weak points, that you may do what you will with the information I give you.
1. The film copies most of the popular films of the last... well, most films, period. Take, for instance, the opening sequence, featuring a large, poorly-animated CGI Mr. Hyde, which struck me as a rip-off of 2003's Hulk.
2. Hugh Jackman's hasty, apathetic, circular Sign of the Cross. Wax on, wax off.
3. Kate Beckinsale's outfit. Because, if you're going to go capture/chase/kill monsters, and there's a chance you'll have to do a lot of running, best to wear sexy, thigh-high boots, spandex pants and a corset.
4. Hugh Jackman's occasional lapse into his natural Aussie accent, a problem I've spotted in both X-Men movies before this.
5. The Van Helsing character himself: A tough guy who fights evil, can't remember his past, and has some unrevealed connection to his mortal enemy. I liked him better the first time, when he was called Wolverine (and you must understand, dear reader, that I do not particularly care for Wolverine).
6. The most unscary Dracula ever witnessed. It's scary how not scary he is.
And you can taahhll he's Drraahhhculaaaahh by his faahhntaahstic Traahnsylvaahnian aaahhcent.
7. Kate Beckinsale's hasty manner of speaking throughout the entire film. At least she saved me 30 more minutes of sitting through this film by speaking so unnecessarily quickly.
8. Anna Valeria's unexplained animosity towards Frankenstein's Monster. I mean, she really had it out for the poor guy. She begs Van Helsing not to kill her brother, who has become a violent, murderous Werewolf. Hey, it's understandable not to want your brother to die, but she couldn't get it through her thick skull that he was going to kill innocent people, including herself, which meant that she would never have a chance to kill Dracula, and Bubby Dearest would never get into Heaven. But she's simply FURIOUS at Van Helsing for refusing to kill Frankenstein's Monster, a sweet, kind, articulate hermit who never hurt a fly. In fact, she eagerly GRABBED A GUN OUT OF VAN HELSING'S HAND, just to try and shoot the poor guy!
9. The fornications of Van Helsing's Fryar friend. Because you see, as long as you are not technically a man of the cloth, it's perfectly acceptable to go against God's law.
10. The eggsacks out of which baby vampires are born, dripping with Dracula semen. Mmm mmm, good.
11. Jabs at oral sex during a pivotal battle scene against Dracula's Brides.
Distasteful.
12. Dracula's mirror. Why oh why does Dracula have a mirror? Was he planning on entertaining all the little vampires once they had arrived with his "magic" flying hat trick?
13. A plot hole I could get lost and starve to death in. We are told that Van Helsing has some sort of connection to Dracula, but that's it. It's never even touched upon after that.
14. Anna Valeria's lament of never having seen the sea, which I suppose was supposed to make me feel bad for her. I've never seen the sea either, toots, but I don't go complaining to monster slayers about it.
15. Transalvanian horses. Weren't you aware that there are magical, super-fast, flying horses in Transalvania? It's true! Anna Valeria says so!
16. Dracula's servants, which appear to be leftover Jawas from Star Wars.
17. Dracula's masquerade ball. I wasn't aware that so many vampires moonlight as circus performers.
18. Much swinging about on chains towards the end of the movie. Think Spider-Man, only less sensical.
19. The entire chase scene involving the magical horses. They pan over a big map, as though they've been traveling for months, even though the race is presented in real-time over the course of ten minutes.
20. Anna Valeria's death. After an entire movie's worth of being slammed with much velocity into any number of hard objects and getting up without so much as an ache, she is suddenly killed after the Van Helsing Werewolf slams her into a soft couch.
I've really only begun to touch upon how lacking this film is. You'll really have to see it to understand how truly, tragically moronic it is.
That said, I must give the Devil his due by saying that I really enjoyed the opening sequence, a beautiful black and white scene that mimics the original Frankenstein up to a point, when Dracula comes into play. Really brilliant.
All in all, I suppose that, if you watch this film while drunk, and knowing full well how stupid it is, you can see the stupidity as endearing and humorous, and enjoy the special effects, which were well done, for the most part. Me? Well, it looks like my sister and I will be breaking out the camcorder and filming a parody this summer.
3/10.