Van Hell-to-sit-through

Rating: Null/10 (22 June 2004)

Bats! Fangs! Cleavage! This must be a crappy take on Dracula.
Lightning! Thunder! Zaps of electrical power! This must be a crappy take on Frankenstein.
Secret agents! Gadgets! A funny sidekick! This must be a crappy take on James Bond. Or Batman. With a bit of Disney sprinkled in.
Is this really a tribute to Universal horror films? Those movies had story lines, morals, characters...this is two hours of nonstop fighting between a stony-faced Hugh Jackman and duff CGI creatures. Why not do a tribute to the Marx Brothers starring Adam Sandler? Or a tribute to Jimmy Stewart starring Vin Deisel?
Bring headache medicine. And a pillow. And don't expect to be thrilled, scared, or titillated. "Van Helsing" is about as frightening and sexy as a trip to CVS to stock up on toiletries.
Biggest surprise? After making a good impression as Wolverine, Jackman is an utter bore here. Beckinsale steals the movie with a nice hairstyle and a cool costume. But who's she trying to fool "viz" that accent?