Van Helstink

Rating: 1/10 (15 May 2004)

If you like having your eyes relentlessly pounded with special effects for an hour and a half then you may possibly think Val Helsing is a satisfactory movie. Personally i was bored to death. The worst film i've seen at the cinema since queen of the damned. Now i'm a lover of special effects but not when they are grossley overused to overcompensate for a complete lack of story. I really am struggling to believe what i have just witnessed - the scenery, the effects, the costumes - must have took so long and cost so much. Instead of being impressed it just makes me think, "what a dreadful waste!" Not even hot vampire chicks could save this stinker!
The acting was bad, it wasn't scary or funny, the characters i didn't even remotely care for - infact i didn't care about anything i saw on the screen throughout.
And its the little things that really annoy me. I like some realism in fantasy - the vampires in this movie morph into nudity and then morph back into clothes. Clothes aren't living flesh, clothes don't change into vampires and back!
What an utter rubbish film! You know the only people i can imagine liking this film are very young boys who love computer games because the whole film is like watching a computer game - non stop monsters and action. Sound exciting? Trust me on this one - it isn't!! It's just a piece of turd in fancy packaging trying to be a thorntons luxury truffle. Well it left a nasty taste in my mouth!
A film ONLY for kids too young to go see it.