A lot of money and a big hat

Rating: 1/10 (24 November 2004)

This is simply the worst film I have ever seen. It is mind-rotting muck of the highest category, and is written and directed by a man who should at all costs be prevented from churning out any more of this dumb garbage (see also THE MUMMY, and that other polyp on the backside of film-making: THE MUMMY RETURNS).
Hugh Jackman is a fine actor and given the right script and character he can be extremely watchable, ditto Kate Beckinsale, but both are wasted here, being given cruelly awful dialogue, and characters with all the depth and interest of an episode of SCOOBY DOO.
Speaking of which I've read lots of reviews on-line by enthusiastic(presumably) 13 year olds who say how great the CGI effects in this film are. Cobblers. It just looks like a lot of money has been spent on creating a lot of very cartoon-like images designed to give the viewer sensory overload and prevent him/her from actually THINKING. Naturally this has much in common with video arcade games, and so those with a mental age of 12 or below are more likely to be impressed.
The biggest offence that this film caused me is the fact that writer/director Stephen Sommers claimed to have been "inspired" by the classic Universal horror movies of the 1930's and '40's. Aaaaarrrghhh! This film has NOTHING but the names of the characters in common with masterpieces like BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN, WEREWOLF OF London etc. These films had atmosphere, great performances, characterization, a sense for romanticism and for the eeriness of the supernatural...all qualities that this excrescence of a film cries out to be blessed with. VAN HELSING has errr...a lot of money thrown at it and Hugh Jackman in a big hat.
I cannot tell you how much I hated the performances - the guy who played Dracula was about as effective a replacement for Bela Lugosi as a pencil would have been. But worse...so much worse was the bloke who played the comic sidekick monk. His barely-disguised irritating Australasian accent didn't help matters, but he just came across as an unfunny moron one just ached to see impaled on one of those silly crossbow bolts that Jackman was firing hither and yon. What did they teach him at drama school?
My abiding memory of watching this putrid rubbish,(and indeed the only happy one of the entire film-going experience)was the roar of laughter in the cinema when Kate Beckinsale's ludicrously accented gypsy got killed and Van Helsing in werewolf form let out an absurd howl of grief. It reminded me of Oscar Wilde's comment on the death of Little Nell in THE OLD CURIOSITY SHOP - to paraphrase: it is impossible not to be overcome with mirth.
Terrible, just terrible.