Unspeakable Cinematic Monstrosities.

Rating: Null/10 (22 June 2004)

Super-monster Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) and his super-erotic wives (Elena Anaya, Silvia Colloca and Josie Maran) try to get to Frankenstein's monster (Shuler Hensley) for a deviant scheme. The last of a family of Transylvanian warriors (Kate Beckinsale), the titled character (Hugh Jackman) and a technically sophisticated holy man (David Wenham) try to stop the evil-doers before it is too late. These Hollywood monsters have been around seemingly since the advent of the motion picture, but I do not believe that any other picture has been this disappointing from the genre. "Van Helsing" is a loud and incoherent bore that tries to win its audience over with crazed visual effects, chaotic sounds and admittedly beautiful women. All this does nothing to make up for a terrible screenplay and mediocre direction by Stephen Sommers (of "The Mummy" series fame). The characters get lost in the venture and really this would have been better as a long computer-generated exercise than a cinematic feature. Turkey (0 stars out of 5).