Use of Icons does not Imply Homage

Rating: 1/10 (8 May 2004)

The first indication of trouble was the fact that this movie was not in anamorphic widescreen (Cinemascope), but rather 1.85:1 ratio- all the better for its afterlife in Home Video, I suppose. By not going with a Scope, the film has already told me it lacks ambition and for something that is going to use vampires, and werewolves and other monsters, you NEED ambition. Already, this movie is in trouble and I have not seen a single frame. But that didn't take long. Because it commits its first cardinal sin with the character of Dracula.
Dracula is an icon. He's smooth, attractive, mystery hiding untold malevolence under that seductive and dangerous exterior. He speaks very little in his movies because he doesn't have to- his eyes and facial structure do that. A quick look at Bela Lugosi, Chris Lee, or Gary Oldman communicates the visual power of Dracula. Dracula as portrayed by Richard Roxburgh is a z-grade villain and conjures NONE of the power or allure of the Draculas of old. He's a meglomaniacal twit that wouldn't be out of place in a Die Hard rip-off. Visually, he wears black, and not in such a w ay that shocks you or gets your eyes open, but it's a formless black suit that seems far too grounded in reality to be frightening. And he talks too much, which wouldn't be a problem but what he says is bad. Worse than Prequel bad. The force that's going to drive this film is hobbled, fatally so with a hideous visual. And Dracula never drinks blood in this film. How can you have a Dracula that doesn't drink blood? It's one of his stock terrors- people fear Dracula because he'll drink their blood! I can't be afraid of something that isn't going to be scary! But the movie soon works its way into other sins. We have a Mr. Hyde that has some of the worse CGI in recent memory, worse than... Oh take your pick. And then we get into the logic flaws: like taking a boat to Transylvania, a LANDLOCKED region!!! Where we met the inhabitants of a village. That, by their own admission, serves as cattle for Dracula and his brides. I say cattle because they do nothing but run in terror like cow- whereas humans would look for places to hide. Where they might not get say... eaten by these flying 'Brides of Dracula.' Who are ugly. In a multi-million dollar picture, I want hot babes. They're recruiting in LA, I know there is no shortage of babes in LA so when you can't get hot babes for a big picture like this, the movie is SCREWED. Of course, I paid to experience this... including the acting. Which is godawful. Hugh Jackman has displayed more than a modicum of talent in the past, which is evident nowhere in this film. He maintains the same bad accent and hammy tone for the whole picture. And who did his hair? While long flowing locks may look great on the covers of romance novels, but this 1980s-reject style is woefully out of place. Kate Beckinsale has a great ass however, and it is wonderful to watch it. Far better than looking at her perpetually constipated facial expression. Some people think she's emoting pain of... whatever. By the time I've seen her face for the tenth time or so, I'm bored and thinking of happier things. Like car wrecks. Or plane crashes. And a final condemnation. I'm not sure if this was put in to pander to the Born-agains, but what the hell is a Christianity element doing here? Jackman crosses himself many a time and Beckinsale at one point says, 'God help us.' Only, this isn't a display of the faith of characters questioning or seeking solace, its just words and motions thrown out there to try and get the audience to imagine that these characters really have come to a point of desperation. Virtual faith if you will, all the elements are there but it's essentially empty of meaning. The whole film is empty, there's lots of stuff in it to try and invoke fond memories but it fails. The filmmakers don't give any of elements any meaning or weight. Everything in this movie is a pointless tool to sell toys and games and...junk. There's no love for our memories of these characters or the meanings they've accumulated over the decades. There's just exploitation of the meanings that the elements of Van Helsing should convey, but don't thanks to incompetent filmmaking.