This movie is really a piece of art

Rating: 2/10 (9 May 2004)

This movie is really a piece of art! On Saturday I have seen David Lynch's Blue Velvet for the first time. It was quite hard to digest and I had wonderful nightmares during the night because of the morbid atmosphere he establishes in his movies. I thought that these nightmares were a good inspiration to got to see Van Helsing the next day. And so I took a friend and we went to witness this `unique' experience.

Some reviewers wrote quiet funny things. One said that the acting couldn't have been worse if there were sock puppets instead of real actors. One said, that the movie is as if someone wrote a LETTER ONLY WITH BIG LETTERS and another wrote that this movie is the king of all the cliché overloaded Hollywood blockbusters of recent years. And guess what?  They are all damn right!
From start to finish it is one big abuse of clichés. It is as if someone took every single cliché that was used in every single Jerry Bruckheimer production and threw in into one big hat, then stirred a little bit and made a film in the exact order of the items he draw. In fact the amount of clichés used in this movie is nothing less but ART. I have never seen something equal in my whole life and I've seen plenty of films.

By the end of the film when my brain was transformed into a box of limp biscuits and my buttocks were swollen to the size of blimp (yes, the movie lasted for nearly two and a half hours and I could not sit still for only one minute because I squirmed like an brain amputated eel by trying to not to perceive any bit of the corny dialogue) I couldn't stop laughing. I had to laugh about the acting, I had to laugh about the cheesy looking GCI and I had to laugh because it was a greater nightmare to watch this film and for that to have wasted more than two hours of my life, than the nightmare I had the night before after watching Blue Velvet. So I begun to think about what could have made to movie even worse and at least I did find out what.

Sommers could have given an employment to Orlando Bloom with his excessive abuse of just one single facial expression. An expression as if something heavy had fallen on his big toe and he's now waiting until the pain reaches his brain to process. His expression would have fit beautifully to the one single, tremendously long, monotonous fighting scene from the start to the finish of this travesty.
I cannot give this flick any ratings because otherwise I would have to buy the Imdb homepage and allow to rate negatively. Then I gave a -6 but since this is too extravagant I give you the advice to take a bath in a pool full of blood-hungry piranhas instead of wasting time, money and wits with thisya know.thing!