Hokum without a smile

Rating: 6/10 (21 December 2004)

VAN HELSING is Stephen Sommers' latest tribute to the horror-action classics of the early age of film. His last two attempts, THE MUMMY and THE MUMMY RETURNS were resounding successes, each with a talented, dynamic cast, rip-roaring action scenes, giddy humour and innovative special effects. But the quality that these two films possessed that resulted in their popularity was the fact that they did not take themselves too seriously. The entire atmosphere was one of light-hearted, tongue-in-cheek satire; every scene had a funny line, every character had their moments. The entire plot and backstory were a load of garbage, but Sommers made no attempt to defend this- rather, he exploited it, concocting each film as a skilful mix of horror, action and comedy.
VAN HELSING keeps the unconvincing horror and the schlocky action, but dispenses with the comedy, meaning that the film is presented in a mood of self-mocking severity, which is inadvisable given its B-grade content. I won't insult your intelligence by going through the insipid storyline. Let it suffice to say that Gabriel Van Helsing is an enigmatic nineteenth-century monster hunter working for the special operations branch of the Catholic Church (!!). In his travels, he does battle against an agglomeration of monsters from the horror films of the early twentieth century, such as Frankenstein's Monster (Shuler Hensley), Mr. Hyde (Robbie Coltrane), the Wolf Man (Will Kemp), and, of course, the notorious Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh), deformed by the stupid plot as a shallow, James-Bond-style "criminal mastermind".
He is joined on his quest by the luscious Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale), who has little to do other than look good, given her brainless dialogue, and her battles against Dracula's harem, which are little more than softcore lesbian catfights. Probably the biggest wet blanket in the cast is the uncharacteristically wooden Hugh Jackman in the lead role, whose woeful acting is an exemplar of the film's new, shamefully schlocky mood.
The "horror" in the film consists entirely of gaudy computer-generated effects, all of which are about as frightening as Barney the Dinosaur in a clown mask. The "action" consists of Jackman and Beckinsale shooting up computer-generated monsters with implausibly anachronistic weapons, supplied by Carl (David Wenham), the Catholic Church's chief armourer (!!!).
It's unfortunate that I had to dwell on the film's flaws for much of this review, because there are a few merits. Even if it's not scary, it still looks awesome, particularly the Balkan wilderness vistas, which rival those in the Lord of the Rings. The music is masterfully composed and very atmospheric. The art direction, while, again, failing to frighten, is still skilful and beautiful to look at. Unlike the rest of the cast, David Wenham shines, possibly the only one not to take his role too seriously, a sole vestige of Stephen Sommers' better days in THE MUMMY.
It looks great, it sounds good - 2/3 ain't bad. But if it's chills and thrills - or even plot and acting - that you want, you're looking in the wrong place. 6/10, purely for presentation. This film has no substance.