We want the finest vampire slayer known to humanity. And we want her here. And we want her now.

Rating: Null/10 (30 May 2004)

One early scene in "Van Helsing" plays like a cross between "Men in Black" and the bit in James Bond movies when Q shows Bond his newest gadgets. Writer-director Stephen Sommers doesn't, however, include anything reminiscent of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," which is just as well - Buffy's run-in with Dracula was infinitely superior to this overblown, underpowered mess. Sommers chucks in Frankenstein's monster, werewolves, the Vatican, and endless rewritings of lore but forgets to make any of it interesting, starting with his characters.
There's some kind of backstory about our fearless vampire killer, but it doesn't really build him up, and not only do we have a weak hero (played with a surprising lack of charisma by Hugh Jackman) but we also have a dull villain in Richard Roxburgh's Dracula; it's all one great big who-cares, a very hollow centre around which all the action revolves. Sommers certainly keeps the action coming, from a Paris showdown between Van Helsing and Mr. Hyde onwards - this whole movie plays like a piece of poorly done fan fiction (which in a way it is) - but without any emotional investment it's all for naught, and despite vampire attacks, all-out fights, and endless special effects it's pretty boring. And not only boring, but stupid (suspension of disbelief is one thing, but when six horses safely leap over a chasm while pulling a coach...).
To make matters worse, it's done with a surprising lack of humour, Dracula's brides overact annoyingly (the loveliness of Josie Maran, Silvia Colluca and Elena Anaya notwithstanding) and there's something wrong when Van Helsing has more chemistry with Frankenstein's monster than with a dishy Transylvanian princess with a nice line in tight trousers and monster-killing. On the upside, Kevin J. O'Connor and Shuler Hensley are good as Igor and the monster, and Kate Beckinsale is lively when the script gives her the chance (and sexy even when the script doesn't); some of the FX from Industrial Light and Magic, Greg Cannom, Captive Audience, WETA Digital and the army of others are very good, and Alan Silvestri's score is too good for the movie it was written for.
But when Van Helsing says "I think we've overstayed our welcome," it's hard to disagree.