Van Schmelshing (Spoliers ahead)

Rating: Null/10 (15 May 2004)

Oh my god - where do I begin pulling this turkey to pieces?
Ok, let's start by mourning the loss of Hugh Jackman's %100 record for making good films. Although his acting is of its usual high standard in this 3-legged donkey of a movie, the script was appaling and I'm still trying to work out what accent he was going for. However, I won't start attacking accents just yet... I'm saving that for Kate Beckinsale's Transylvannian, Irish, Christopher Lambert, Twin Peaks attempt that was about as convincing as England's entry in last year's Eurovision Song Contest (don't worry Americans - you're not missing out on anything, trust me). Kate - Nil point (say this with a French accent)!
Before seeing this film I had been praying and praying that Hugh Jackman would be cast as Superman in the upcoming remake that is, might, could, perhaps, was, will be, being made. However, I think that after being subjected to Van Schmelsching ruining what would otherwise have been a fine bucket of sweet popcorn, Danny DeVito would make a more convincing Super Kent.
In short - the script is utterly terrible (Kate Beckinsale - "nothing is faster than Transylvannian horses"... except for the Wolfman, Dracula and all 3 of his brides), The plot is lacking in consistency at best (Why are Dracula's offspring laid as dinosaur eggs..? Why was Frankenstein encased in a block of ice..?) and the CGI was completely pants (no specific examples are necessary).
Another problem that Hollywood seems to have with films set in "Ye Olden Times" is the pathetic ways they manage to get explosions into films that could only ever fit into Independence Day, ie The Wolfman jumps on top of a horse drawn carriage and the roof cathes fire which moments later leads to an explosion that could only have been caused by the computer-detenated C4 lift-shaft scene in Die Hard. Now, I may not be Steven Hawking but I'm pretty sure there's no scientific explanation for that.
The films only saving grace is Kate Beckinsale's scantily clad frame but this is constantly ignored when she speaks in her native Transylvannian, Irish, Christopher Lambert, Twin Peaks tongue.
Give this one a miss folks!