Van Help Me, This Was Not Very Good

Rating: 3/10 (1 August 2004)

The star of this film, known to many of us, as CGG (Computer Generated Graphics) does well, despite its overuse and obvious animation. This is a rehash of many a horror film, and when one is retooling it for an updated modern version (as they will in the future for this popular genre), the screenwriters and director need to add an essential, original point that will make people stand up and take notice. VH has no such originality, nor zing. Hugh Jackman delivers such a wooden performance, one is terribly tempted to call Geppetto to see if he was missing one of his puppets. The chemistry between his character and Ms. Beckinsale's character is so poor; I was assuming he was gay. Not that there's anything wrong about that, and it would have been a cool and groundbreaking route to go with this venerated character of horror movie lore. Once again, I digress to hint of any originality which could spice up a deadly dull flick like this one. Kate Beckinsale does sparkle in her role, exuding sexuality and vim, which saved this writer from having to rate this whole escapade as a bomb/turkey/junk/pond water, etc. Also, Richard Roxburgh, who literally and figuratively chews upon the scenery like an Atkins diet drop out on a loaf of fresh baked pumpernickel. Richard had a good time with this role, and it shows, as his relish is strong. Aside from these, the film get stodgy, dull and CGC happy for most of its cruel, crushing 132 minutes. The Hyde character, conveniently borrowed from another turkey (League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen...*yawn*) doesn't perk up the production a flip. A lot more backfires than starts, in what should have been a fun romp around the macabre side. Instead, VAN HELSING tries to dazzle us with poor animation and script, as well. As I stopped yawning, pondering this picture, I regain the senses enough to type out the following words: NOT RECOMMENDED.