Big Blockbuster Clag Fest

Rating: 3/10 (30 August 2004)

**Some Spoilers**
£5.80 that's a small fortune. There are several different things I could have spent this amount of money on, maybe a burger king meal, a paperback novel, a small amount of petrol, a large bag of jelly bellys, a fun fest in my local arcade or even some cotton wool to stuff in my mouth, eyes, ears and bum. All the above would have been more fun than Hugh Jackmans whack movie.
Van Helsing is about the famous vampire hunter and his efforts to beat up Dracula and his cronies. Jackman play the rough tough vampire hunter, Richard Roxburgh plays Count Dracula and Kate Beckinsale plays a pair of breasts also known as Anna Valerious the female sidekick of Van Helsing. Also to mix it up a bit is David Wenham of the Lord of the Rings fame as the Q of the catholic world, oh how the mighty have fallen
Basically the movie is about Jackman running off to Transylvania to kill off Dracula and save the world from all things undead. It's about two or three hundred years ago and old helsing is running around with laser guided crossbows and other ridiculous gadgets supplied by the lumbering monk David Wenham. When they get there it turns out Dracula's causing trouble, putting cats up trees and other minor offenses. On comes a battle with Dracula's three ladies at the night who attack in the afternoon. What results from this is a battle between Hugh Jackman and three goofy bat girls with big teeth. To make sure he takes these flying money-grabbers down to funky town he uses his ultra automatic crossbow which according to the manufacturers guide will 'Pin a donkey to a fence in seconds'. A ba-gillion bolts are sent shooting in every direction and before you can even say 'CGI-Fest' the fight is over. As the film goes on it turns out there is actually a reason for Frankensteins monster, wolfman and Dracula to be in one movie and it isn't a good one. So let me try to unfold this twisty and very stupid plot, Dracula needs Frankenbolts to somehow give life to his off-spring and wolfman is there to ermm, hmm I forgot. Anyway, Dracula wants to take over the world, yeah that's it! Take over the world
This film boosts a massive budget, the amount of money that funds a small countries civil war! $4000 billion dollars last I heard, and it amazes me how a studio can throw so much money in the direction of such a idiotic project. Even more reason to fear this movie as an entertaining item is the fact that it's directed by Stephen Sommers of the dire 'Mummy movie's'. Oh god, this movie was never gonna be good.
As I previously mentioned the film is a CGI fest, there are so many computer enhanced graphics in this movie that it's rumored that Jackman didn't move his arms during the shoot because it would have been more expensive and a cool fact to create CGI arms. Given the huge budget it would have been safe to assume that the CGI would at least be good to look at, but even this fails. The special effects range from pants to plain over-the-top, right up to Frankensteins neon head!
This movie just sucks, it's Hollywood crud super-sized! The budget to stupid, the plot is even stupider and it's so over the top and as unbelievable as Big Dave tidying his room. I generally hated this movie and found it too hard not to laugh out loud at the dire dialogue and silly effects. I spent most of my time in the cinema making jokes at the films expense and counting the sweets in my bag.
A classic example of Hollywood throwing stupid amounts of money into a crap summer blockbuster. No brains or good looks, this puppy doesn't have much going for it.