Hilariously bad

Rating: 3/10 (8 June 2004)

20 years from now, I'll probably be able to watch this train wreck of a movie again after a few drinks and laugh at it. I admit that I did get a few laughs this time around, too, but mostly I was just groaning in frustration.
The worst Dracula ever, the worst Frankentein's monster ever, the stupidest phallic big gun ever, and worst acting ever from Beckinsale and Jackman. It's a good thing that the director decided to focus on shots of Beckinsale's butt bouncing up and down instead of her acting, so there weren't too many of those "I've never been to the sea" moments.
All the performances are pitiful, but one of them stands above the rest in its sheer stupidity: David Wenham, who plays a retarded idiot for the benefit of other retards in the audience so they can laugh at him. He was the only one I felt sorry for.
The story is so nonsensical it seems as if they were making it up as they went along. There is, of course, a half-baked love story of sorts between Jackman and Benkinsale, but it's there just because it has to, not because it makes sense in any way. The ending will leave you wondering whether to laugh or cry.
In every way, Van Helsing is light years behind Hellboy, the other recent supernatural popcorn thriller. See that instead and leave this for a "bad movies" DVD night.