A much bigger mess than expected

Rating: Null/10 (1 December 2004)

(Some SPOILERS follow, so beware)
When you go to see a movie where one rugged hero battles against Frankenstein (ok, Frankenstein's monster), Dracula and the Werewolf, you don't exactly expect the plot to be on par with "Citizen Kane". You think sure, there must be a story that somehow ties all this creatures together, it probably won't be believable (if that word is even allowed to appear in a "Van Helsing" comment), but it should be fun and exciting.
Exciting? Maybe, if you're into fast and loud. Fun? Unfortunately, not so much.
Stephen Sommers is known to me as the director the original "Mummy". That movie was great. It had Indiana Jones-style wit, it had amusing characters, a nice rounded story and after seeing it I felt good and refreshed. It was a brainless movie, but an extremely fun brainless movie.
Enter "Mummy returns". Same actors, same director, a totally different movie. All the characters suddenly went super-hero, humour became forced, and the entire movie was basically a big collection of back-to-back action scenes. For me it became extremely tiresome half-way through, and I remember barely succeeding in watching it in entirety.
I hoped so much that "Van Helsing" would go the way of "Mummy" and not "Mummy returns". Fat chance. Whatever was wrong in "Mummy 2" is wrong here. Sommers doesn't care for the story much. I didn't expect much of a story, but I expeced A story. This movie gives you a feeling that the scriptwriting phase was one big brainstorming event where 10 people gave their ideas as they came up, and in the end they just copied the entire blackboard and wrote "Van Helsing - the movie script" on top.
You really have to work at shutting your brain off while watching this flick, cos there are so many wild inconsistencies and contradictions it's actually impressive. Small example: only a werewolf can kill a Dracula (naturally). Only Dracula has werewolf cure. Why? Because it's his counterweapon against the only thing that can kill him. But the kicker is that the cure doesn't actually work against werewolves, but against a werewolf to-be. This makes Dracula having it completely pointless, but also enables a dramatic finale. Oops, I started thinking again. Terminate brain function. Whoa, cool action scene. Look Beavis, that Beckinsale chick is hot. Yeah. Huh-huh huh-huh.
There is some humour in this movie, but it's way downplayed. Good self-aware humour and character could have saved this movie, the way Johnny Depp went Pirates of the Caribbean or Bruce Campbell in Evil Dead 2, but Sommers discarded it in favour of non-stop action. The few jokes that are present are unfortunately too weak and too far and between to work. And they mostly come from the generic clumsy comic-relief sidekick, which is as tired cliché as they come.
Bottom side is - if you want loud and fast, and enjoy CGI fests, and think that plot is just a nuisance that ruins good action in movies, you will probably enjoy this flick. Hugh Jackman fits the role perfectly and has some semi-funny lines that almost work, Kate Beckinsale is certainly easy on the eyes and the rest of the crew is mostly on-par (Dracula could use more character though). The sequel is almost guaranteed, cos there is some unsolved mystery concerning the main character (although I can't believe anybody actually cares for that).