Battlefield Earth just lost the only reason to be memorable. Van Helsing is even worst.

Rating: 1/10 (8 May 2004)

First of all I'd like to clear some things up about me. I am a major sci-fi, horror and fantasy fan. I loved X-Men 1 & 2, I thought that no one could play my fave character Wolverine better than Hugh Jackman. I liked Underworld since I am a fan of Whitewolf, I love dark settings and Kate Beckinsale was out of this world. I also enjoyed both Mummies. They are fun, with a basic plot and enjoyable characters. What I call a perfect pop-corn movie. Watching the trailer of Van Helsing, I hoped that I would see another enjoyable pop-corn movie with two good actors.
DAMN I WAS WRONG.
It would take me hours to describe why this movie was the first one in lots of years that was begging me to leave the building running and screaming in agony.
The script is a big hole. It's as simple and chaotic as a bad dream you may have after eating a big steak for dinner and you haven't digested well. My best guess is that it was still being written while they were filming it and they were adding random scenes to it.
A few things I can remember. The monk Q (James Bond), part of a secret society in Vatican that shelters Buddhist explosive experts, Mormon weapon designers and Muslims testing CHAINGUNS, tours VH through the latest weaponry, showing him some cool explosive he came up with and the flash bomb he just discovered that emits sunlight but can't find a use for it (Blade and James Bond rip-off in one scene, wow).
Frankenstein is a cuddly bear with british accent (did he pick that up in Romania Cambridge school?), Dracula (or T-1000 judging from the way he walks out of fire) could as well be an American Pie character (he's THAT silly), his helpers are Ewoks/Dwarves (where is Snow-white or Luke?) with Slipknot/Sand People masks, his brides are always posing (waving their hands and bodies in a stupid way) when trying to act just like in old b/w movies with no sound, everyone has a stupid Romanian accent, everyone is acting worst than soap operas (including Jack and Kate). You'll see everyone jumping through wires and falling on the ground without a scratch (a lot like Spiderman, including the camera movement), you'll see Dracula's children straight out of Gremlins, you'll notice their hives resembling the Matrix "human batteries", you'll laugh at the 10 arrows/sec crossbow, you'll scream "yo ho ho" when the horses and carriage fly over a broken bridge and I am sure I am still forgetting lots of things. It's not bad to the point of making you laugh, it's bad to the point of making you angry.
I swear, there were people around me who fell asleep at some point.
Ed Wood would be proud of his followers (or perhaps just laugh at them). You have to see it to believe how awful it is...