Is This a Movie or a Video Game???

Rating: 5/10 (28 November 2004)

VAN HELSING (2+ outta 5 stars)
Yeah, I know it got terrible reviews when it first came out... but, dang it, the trailers looked COOL! I mean, Hugh Jackman in that funky long hat and floppy hat... chucking those nasty boomerang blades at bad guys? And taking on not only Dracula and the Frankenstein monster... but the Wolf Man, too? Shoulda been a winner! Unfortunately the movie went wrong in sooooooooo many ways. I mean, it's not a total drag but it definitely has too many strikes against it. First problem: wayyyyyyyyyyy too much reliance on CGI. When are the techno geeks making these movies going to get it thru their heads... CGI still looks FAKE! If you use it sparingly you can trick audiences into believing that they are seeing something impossible happen... but when its just effect after effect after effect... well, we might as well be watching someone playing a video game. Second problem: bad acting. Jackman is alright as Van Helsing... and that one blond chick with the weird accent was kinda fun... but Kate Beckinsale as the butt-kickin' gypsy wench was just embarrassing. Ditto for the dude playing Dracula. And I really could have done without the characters speaking in modern vernacular. Vampires exclaiming, "Too bad, so sad"??? Puh-leeeeeeeease! Third problem: this goes back to the CGI thing... there was too much reliance on mindless action for action's sake... the characters needed some more dialogue! Maybe a few scenes to make us care about these characters (so that the small tragedy at the end might have actually *meant* something)? So, do yourself a favor and forget about this bizarre attempt at combining James Bond with Hammer Films... and go see "Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter" which is 10 times the movie this is.