Oh where oh where could that little plot be...

Rating: Null/10 (7 May 2004)

Van Helsing was so bad that I'd rather do anything than watch the 45 minutes of it I watched before I got up and left the theater. This includes such painful endeavors as getting a root canal, driving a car into a tree at 60 MPH, and jumping off of Niagara Falls.
Yes, it was that bad. You see, there seems to be this new generation of movies that are based solely on CGI effects and seem to lack that important literary device they teach you in middle school called a PLOT. Van Helsing was a particularly fitting and awful example of this, reminding me of a flop called Battlefield Earth that came out several years ago.

* Warning: Potential Spoilers (although I try to avoid them) *
The movie took me completely by surprise, as I thought the first three scenes of it were a preview. This was because there was no introductory text on the screen to indicate that this was the start of the movie. The movie opens with some townspeople trying to break into Dracula's Castle. We see Victor and Dracula and then somehow Frankenstein got involved in all of this (don't ask me how). The action and awful noise begins there. We are soon introduced to Dracula's three "brides" - although certainly good looking, whoever was playing them had worse acting skills than me, and I have terrible acting skills to say the least. At the end of the first scene as they are swirling around the burning tower in what is conveyed as a malicious manner they have big bright smiles on their faces, certainly out of context with the scene.
After that we are introduced to our (weak) hero Van Helsing, who destroys Jekyl??? Don't ask me how he got into this, but he was there. After that Van Helsing makes a very quick trip to the Vatican where is told he must kill Dracula, stocks up on supplies very quickly, and leaves. There are many strands left open here... including his partner. We are not even told the name of his partner! Not only that but something was alluded to with a snake and a ring, and we don't learn anything about that but are left hanging. After that is a confusing action scene with the female character in the story which is probably a future scene of some sort... and that is followed by two more action sequences complete with loud noise and CGI effects to boot, but no plot...
Where oh where could that little plot be? Where is the character development? Where is the emotion to rope the audience in? Where are the basic literary devices that have been used for centuries to make reading and filmgoing a pleasure? Where is the story?
This is not a story or a movie folks, this is candy for those of little mind and short attention span. If you have any sort of brain, or are under the impression that you have any sort of brain, then this movie is not for you. And if you saw this movie and actually liked it then go and see it again, and try to actually think about what you're seeing... I think you will understand everything that I have said.