Just Bad

Rating: Null/10 (14 January 2012)

I know you don't go to this type of film looking for a deep plot or even a believable story but you at least expect coherent entertainment. From the opening fight scene with Mr. Hyde through the end of the film, there wasn't one single moment when you bought in to the CGI chaos that was depicted on the screen. When severely underdeveloped characters are flying around and defying every law of physics, you're never allowed to get involved in the movie on any level other then the "cool cartoon" level (and quite frankly very few of the jerky CGI cartoon creature scenes were that cool). I could literally list the WAY over the top, unbelievable cartoon moments but that would fill up an entire page. The sad part is that most of the CGI monsters looked really fake. From Hyde to the baby vampires to the vampire women, they all looked extremely cheesy. Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale are exceptional actors but were so stranded by this script and by the stunts that it almost hurt to watch them floundering on screen from one fake backdrop to another. The hambone that played Dracula threw so much over the top cheese at EVERY single line he delivered that my arteries hardened just watching him. To call this film a disappointment would be an understatement. I was greatly looking forward to it because of the concept, the cast and the obviously huge budget. It's such a shame that they threw this much talent and this much money behind a script written by someone's pre-teen child. I guess I should be asking myself why would I expect anything remotely intelligent from a movie that was directed by the director of The Mummy & Mummy Returns? I'd say next time I'll know better but there won't be a next time for me sitting through any more of this guy's movies.
Spoilers.. Kate's character spends most of her time getting smacked around, dangling from great heights and often falling from those heights but bounces up with barely a scratch. Yet, she gets humped for two seconds by the Van Wolfman and dies? What was the story with her and her brother? I know they were the last royalty but I think they were TOO close. Wasn't that them making out in Heaven there at the end? How can any director rationalize shooting and producing the idiotic things that occurred in this movie? Fun action is one thing but one stupid, cheesy and over the top CGI moment after the other is quite another thing. Van Helsing jumping all around the cathedral fighting a Mr. Hyde that doesn't bleed was video-gamesque in every way. Apparently, all the people in Kate's little town do is stand around in their courtyard with farm equipment ready to beat strangers and be food for vampires. They were upset when one died so obviously they weren't looking to fight back. What was the deal with the hambone Dracula's master plan? He has no emotions so he wants offspring? I nearly laughed out loud when he says he doesn't feel anything yet he delivers this line in ANGER and then he LAUGHS. Van Helsing was the one who killed him when he was mortal but he treats him like a long lost friend and carries on a nice plodding conversation when Van Helsing first confronts him? By the way, why is Van Helsing 600 years old? Because he's the left arm of God? Huh? Another laugh out loud moment happened when it clearly wasn't meant to. As Kate swings like Tarzan from hundreds of feet in the air from a castle window, Friar Goober flings her a syringe (the only way to save Van Wolfman) in a driving rainstorm. What results is a nice catch and the movie's 50th "roll your eyes" moment. The fact that Friar Goober just walks across the remnants of the bridge moments later makes it even more laughable. Every single time one of these vampire supercreatures has the edge they stop to talk, gloat, or toy with Kate or Van Jackman. Even Dracula stops to give his last live action cheesy moment as the moon goes behind the clouds and Van Wolfman is helpless. OY. This was just bad at every turn. You know they're over doing the fake CGI when in the middle of an action sequence I was more fixated on Kate Beckinsale's perfect behind then on any of the "spectacular" CGI shots going on around her. Yes, she's extremely gorgeous but I'm not that big of a horndog. I just was tired at looking at silly CGI that offered nothing new. Hugh Jackman had better shelve this franchise and get back to the clever franchise that's made him a star. The X-Men franchise is everything Van Helsing isn't. Hugh can play a hero with memory problems that can kick ass there but he can do it with a real character and a real director.