Cheese Has A New Name! (Minor Spoilers)

Rating: Null/10 (8 May 2004)

The summer season is upon us again and that means it's time for the big Hollywood studios to churn out their overblown, lavishly produced and commonly underwhelming Blockbusters. The first one out of the bag is Van Helsing, and let me tell you, they don't come more overblown and underwhelming as this. I can honestly say that this was the second worst movie going experience of my life (the first one being Batman & Robin). In fact, I feel as though I need to purge myself of this experience and writing this short review will be the first step forward.
The story centers around monster hunter Van Helsing Played by Hugh Jackman who is sent on a mission to Transylvania by the vatican. He has orders to kill Count Dracula in order to stop him from wiping out the blood line of their Royal Family of which 2 still remain. However, while there he uncovers Dracula's plot to bring life to his 3 Bride's vampire offspring and to do that he needs Frankenstein's monster. What could have been a dark, gothic action adventure soon becomes a total mess.
The Director Stephen Sommers can't write to save his life. His characters are as deep a puddles and just as wet. His dialogue is laughable and he often resorts to pratfall humour that becomes extremely annoying. What is worse however, is his love affair with CGI. There's hardly a moment in this film where some unconvincing monster turns up trying to look scary. When will Sommers realise that CGI isn't scary? Very well, I understand that it's hard to make a big budget fantasy film today without resorting to using a computer, but surely there's a line that shouldn't be crossed. And If there is, then Sommers is well and truly over it. I thought he would have learned his lesson from the stupid looking Scorpion King at the end of The Mummy Returns but it seems not. Neglecting the story and focusing on the effects seems to be a constant in Sommers's films
The real actors aren't much better. Hugh Jackman does what he can but alas it's not enough. He doesn't help himself by putting on a wobbly accent either. One minute he sounds American, then stereotypically British then European. Don't get me wrong, I think Hugh Jackman is a great actor but I question whether he should be associated with another franchise in which he is the foundation on which it is built. All I can say is I hope he isn't the next Bond. Kate Beckensale is wooden (as usual) but when you look that beautiful who cares if you can act or not? Not Sommers apparently. I Wonder what made her think to do 2 horror/action pictures in a row, both of which contain vampires and werewolves? Richard Roxborough does some hammy impression of Bela Lugosi and comes off as the gayest Dracula ever. Frankenstein is the tragic misunderstood character and the wolfman is little more that an expensive cartoon.
The good things in this movie are few and far between. The costume designs are lavish and creative, the sets are beautifully gothic and the score is quite good too. While I was watching this film all I was thinking was "look at how much hard work goes into making a turkey." This good stuff though is overshadowed by Stephen Sommers's desire to drop his pants and crap all over these classic movie monsters.
By now I'm sure you've guessed that I didn't enjoy this film, and you'd be so right. I kept hoping that it would turn itself around halfway through and at least finish on a positive note but it didn't. The trouble with this film is that you just don't care about any of the human characters, but how can you when they're 2 dimensional? There is a scene in Van Helsing where our so called heroes come across hundreds of huge egg sacks that look like huge sweaty scrotums dangling from the ceiling. This scene crystalized what I thought about this movie... What a load of bollocks!