Mmm, I didn't like it *Spoiler alert*

Rating: 1/10 (14 May 2004)

I apologize for all typos in advance! Again, this review contains many spoilers, so please don't read if you don't want to know. And, I really didn't like the movie, so there are a few (many) things in here which could be considered as mean. So, again, don't read if you cannot handle emotional criticism. The movie really frustrated me.
Do yourself a favour, take the money you save for the ticket and treat your friends to dinner. Seriously, that was a bad movie. Period! Maybe I should stop here, mhhh, no!
If it was meant as a bow to all the classic movies, they failed. A bow honors and maybe nodds with a twinge of irony but it does not try to copy. That is really the thing, they tried too hard to make it exactly like the classics but seemed to be very undecided if it should be parody or a serious remake. They took all the classic elements, threw them into a blender, fed the mix to a worm plagued dog and made the shit that came out into Van Helsing. (*that would be the mean part on my side)
E.G. Dracula's brides were neither sexy nor overacting in a way that would count as a parody, they looked like the director dragged some gogo girls out of a cheap table dance bar and told them - be sexy, scary and uh, dunno, whiney?? And they did, except they tried to be that all the time and at once. The scene where V.H. gets his weapons is not even James Bond, its a Triple X copy except that it lacked the self-irony of the last mentioned. (and I grant XXX here more than it deserves, in my eyes)
Here is my next question: was there a script?? If yes, please, Sommers, do the world a favor and transfer to stock exchange or tax attorney. I'm just trying to help. A plot somehow shined threw about one and a half hour into the picture but dissolved circa thirty seconds later. And the fact that I can't even remember what the plot thingy was, stands as a comment on its own. It seemed to me they cut together scenes from the classics without really thinking that it might puzzle or in my case bore the audience to death to see somebody or something falling from impossible height into a broad stream which happened about every fifth scene, they gave wolfie hell that way, but Igor got his share in the end. Now that I think about it, the movie would be perfect for a drinking game: take two drafts everytime somebody or something falls from a great height, take three if it falls into water. You would be dead drunk after an hour.
Speaking of plot, Dracula's castle. The only entrance was in the gipsy's house and except for D. and his brides the rest were unable to fly. I wonder how they got the equipment to the place without looking a little suspicious. I see the track of little helpers trampling through the house: "Hello", "Hello", "Sorry about your carpet", "Hello". And you know what, if they had made it like this, I would have considered it funny, but they didn't. There were so many holes in the story, it makes a mash shirt look warm and cozy.

Dialogue *sort of: "Thank you" says Kate Beckinsale's character, with way too much make-up marring her otherwise pretty face, and the monster goes "AWWWWWW" with a look on its mask, that may have meant "Aw, nice" but somehow felt like "Aw, kick in the nuts". Which leads to the absence of, well, acting really. The actors either were to busy wondering "How the f*** did I end up in this crappy s***" or looked like "Have to fire my agent", I got this notion everytime Mr. Jackman's character fired his gun. And wasn't that character build up nicely or what: The Arcangel Gabriel lost his memory of who he is and turns into V.H., monster killer for all religions in the world and turns wolfman, kills his arc-nemesis and his lover *tackle - oh my, she is dead awhooooooo - I laughed so hard* and than lights up a funreal fire, like a beacon in the night. And than came the clouds.. and I fell off my seat positively hysteric by then.
I seriously hope the pay checks were obscenely high otherwise - go kill yourself or buy a shirt which says: "I was in Van Helsing and can still get a job in the industry...You want to touch me? I'm a miracle."

Granted, you don't go and see a picture like that for fine acting or the plot. The Special effects were in fact nice,.. except it was too much. Why did they even waste money on actors at all? And sorry, but if there are actors I expect at least some sort of acting and some sort of plot - both were hard to find in V.H.
Not even David Wenham who was the only one who really tried and did good, could turn this movie around into a passable parody. I'm sorry for all lovers of the classics and I'm certainly sorry for the fine actors who were wasted in this crap. And I'm really sorry because I was forced to waste more than two hours of my life which I will never get back.