The BEST-WORST movie, EVER!

Rating: Null/10 (26 May 2004)

Other titles for this film could include Van Hellsing and the Search for the Holy Pail or perhaps The Van Hellsing Horror Picture Show. It was terrible, but in its atrocities it was wonderful! I must say it is one of the finest comedies out there to date. The dilemma of course comes in the fact that it is meant to be an action-adventure / horror movie.
From the opening scenes I was expecting a few things. A> A cameo by Mel Brooks, B> A cheesy song and dance number ala Monty Python or Moulin Rouge, C> Someone to do the 'alas' position with their left hand stapled to forehead, and/or lastly D> A man driving a Lexus across the country side beaming, safe and secure due to the fine engineering of his car and the anti lock breaks with somehow make him unconcerned about the mob of villagers or debris from an exploding windmill.
The acting was terrible. I would expect the same level of melodrama from a high school drama club, a bunch of goth wannabes, or a poorly designed White Wolf LARP. The main character of Van Hellsing played by Mr. Hugh Jackman was more of akin to a little kid pretending to be Batman then anything else. The lead chick, played by Kate Beckinsale (Serendipity and Much Ado About Nothing) whose character's name I've forgotten, but whose corset enhanced breasts and leather tight costume will remain in my memory happily, was equally unsatisfying except on the eyes and the fact that unlike most bad ass chicks in movies, she actually would hurt herself doing stunts as someone dressed like her would if they tired to do flips all over the place.
Dracula, played by the same man that was 'The Duke' in Moulin Rouge, was the most uncharismatic, cheesy-monkeyish, fruity, and untalented excuse for a vampire I've EVER seen. At least Leslie Nielsen was supposed to be funny. This Dracula was supposed to be scary I think but believe me when I say between him and his brides I was getting cramps from laughing so hard. His brides were acting like 13 year old pop star fans with breast implants I kept expecting them to ask to go to the mall. This one scene where our man Vald was reminding them that he had no heart and could not love was PLEADING for a musical number complete with fountains and dancing girls ala Los Vegas.
Well what about the other villains? CGI was their friend. The entire movie was most likely done on photo shop. Mr. Hyde was a Wolverine wannabe crossed with the Hulk/Beast and just plain silly. The Wolfman was alright, in a Vampire Hunter D sort of way. Frankenstein's monster was a total fruity goth kitten that I'd expect to see at the Castle, complete with the 'Alas my poor soul, I just want to live' occasional head toss, which on hulking beast charged with electricity does not invoke sympathy, but is so funny you want to slap yourself until you're babbling about jade monkeys at midnight.
Overall, the MVP of the movie was hands down the one intended to be comic relief of the film. David Wanham (Audrey from Moulin Rouge and Faramir from Lord of the Rings) had the best lines and was the character I think audiences will most identify with. At points, he was ACTUALLY ACTING! As the comical Friar Carl he was one part Q (from James Bond), one part Friar Tuck, and all parts amusing. By far my personal favorite character in the entire flick.
And what was up with all the Absinth in the windmill? Was it another reference to Moulin Rouge or maybe just a nod to the beverage of choice by the writers who came up with the cliché dialogue. Though to be honest, at several point of the film I was longing for a little bit of the 'green fairy' myself, as it might have made some of the scenes even MORE amusing.
So as the Python boys like to say, always look on the bright side of life (were you expecting the Spanish Inquisition?). The movie's redeeming qualities other then in Wanham's performance was in the cinematography, use of light and color, and scenery. Very nicely done! Visually the movie was great. From stunts to sets the movie was very eye catching. More over, for a hormone charged public every one had at least one piece of eye candy.
Overall, the movie was the bastard gang bang love child of a deranged 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory' (complete with Oompa Loompa minion), a less cool Vampire Hunter D, and 'Dracula Dead and Loving It' maybe sprinkled with 'Jesus Christ Vampire Slayer'. In conclusion, I must admit I enjoyed myself because I was expecting a crap movie and got one. I didn't have to focus on how horrible the movie was but instead could laugh so hard my sides were hurting. This will be a movie I will be purchasing, if only for a good laugh now and then.