Somebody deserves to be staked for this...

Rating: 1/10 (12 May 2004)

Five minutes into this film I was already squirming in my seat. I've never walked out of a movie before, I think it's foolish to judge a film unless you have seen it in its entirety. Van Helsing almost had me running for the door. Many people have pointed out that this was only intended as a summer blockbuster, a no brainer with big SFX, lots of one liners and plenty of merchandising possibilities. That's no excuse for this pile of poo...
"Oooo, you cynical folk are being too hard on it" I hear some of you deranged individuals cry...
The Mummy had the same pitch as this movie, including the use of an old Universal monster. I liked the Mummy. The Mummy was good. The Mummy was fun. The Mummy was a well put together movie, its characters were pretty much one dimensional but everybody liked them. It had none of Van Helsing's frankly sloppy plot devices. A couple of cases in point:
"Ooo, we're all going on a werewolf hunt"
"Right lets plan this all real careful, like. We got the cage we got the bait we got our rifles. Anything else?"
"Silver bullets?"
"Good idea. But I tell you what, lets not put silver bullets in all of our rifles, lets just put them in one measly little revolver so that Beckinsale can almost get crushed by the falling cage as she runs to grab it."

Dracula. He's Romanian. The Gypsies come from Romania. Lets be really clever and give the count Gypsy earrings and a pony tail! Wow that'll be really authentic and won't make him look like a god damned idiot in any way shape or form!
These are just two criticisms out of the many that I could level at this film but frankly i don't want to spend any more time discussing it! Please save your money don't go to this movie and don't give them an excuse to make a sequel. It would be a terrible terrible thing to inflict on the world.