Fangs for nothing, Mr. Sommers.

Rating: 4/10 (24 June 2009)

At one point during Stephen Sommers' comic book horror/adventure Van Helsing, Count Dracula states that he "has no heart, he is unable to feel joy or sorrow, he is hollow". I know exactly what he means because that's how I felt whilst watching Sommers' film: completely unmoved by the whole experience.
Sure, there's a ton of in your face special effects and spectacular set-pieces galore, but none of it connects. It's not scary, it's not funny (despite trying), and it's not exciting; it's just there on the screen, flashy, slick, and irritatingly loud, for over two very long hours. For today's gaming generation, I guess this might be enough, but I found the whole affair lacking.
Hugh Jackman's titular character is a Vatican-approved vampire slayer who is given the task of hunting down and destroying Dracula before he is able to bring to life his multitude of spawn (the result of having 400 years to kill with three very hot brides). Along with trusty sidekick Carl (who is responsible for an array of technologically advanced weaponry) and beautiful Transylvanian princess Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale in a tightly laced corset—yum!), Van Helsing faces a series of monstrous creatures and perilous pitfalls as he battles to save the world from the evil count and his offspring.
After a fairly promising opening scene—a classy monochromatic homage to the Universal monster movies of the 30s and 40s—Sommers says 'to hell with logic and pacing', slams his movie into top gear, and unleashes a barrage of outrageous action scenes and lavish computer effects that lend the film a sense of realism that is comparable to your average Looney Tunes cartoon.
The result is audacious to say the least, but the director pushes his luck too far, overstepping the mark on many an occasion: against convention, his Dracula is only vulnerable to werewolves (?!?!); his plot reveals a cure for lycanthropy, a contrivance that proves very convenient for our hero; Van Helsing and Anna possess unnatural agility and superhuman resilience, performing Olympic standard gymnastic moves with ease and surviving numerous high falls without suffering so much as a scratch; Van Helsing leaps over a chasm in a horse drawn carriage; and Frankenstein's monster swings through a window on a power cable to rescue Anna from a vampire.
To be fair, Sommers' mish-mash of monsters and mythical mayhem isn't completely devoid of worth—the sultry brides of Dracula are great, the set design is fantastic, and Greg Cannom's make-up is impressive, particularly for Frankenstein's monster—but the film's 'positives' are overwhelmed by the effects and the sheer unrelenting silliness of the action which stretches plausibility to breaking point.