What the Helsing?

Rating: Null/10 (9 May 2004)

Alan Silvestri has graced us with innumerable sublime scores, from the heroic, fanfare-heavy `Back to the Future' to the strikingly simple `Forest Gump' to the sprightly, jovial `Mousehunt' to the propulsive, percussion-driven powerhouse `Predator.' His work ranges from the divinely subtle to the outlandishly epic, but rarely is it ever intrusive or over the top. Consequently, when he feels the need to violently pummel me with snare drums, I instantly know something is wrong. Well, of course Silvestri's score for `Van Helsing' is obnoxiously loud - it has to compete with piercing vampire screams, earsplitting thunder, and enough creaks, crashes and explosions to destroy any surround system. I can only suppose director Steven Sommers (`The Mummy,' `The Mummy Returns,' `The Mummy Forever,' `The Mummy and Robin' and, of course `Abbot and Costello Meet The Scorpion King') figured this would be the only way to keep his audience awake. Hell, Van Helsing's (Hugh Jackman) heroic theme even blasts at full force while he is leisurely strolling to Paris while adjusting his hat.
No matter. After finishing his assignment in Paris (featuring a brief cameo by Mr. Hulk, of `Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hulk' fame), Van Helsing returns to the Vatican to have a long chat with the Italian Basil Exposition, Cardinal Esposizione Del Basilico (Alun Armstrong, overacting with zeal). As Van Helsing apparently suffers from both short- and long-term memory loss, Basilico spends most of his time reiterating their shared past, then assigns him to travel to Transylvania in order to guard princess Anna Valerious (anorexic Kate Beckinsale, dressed in a mildly fetishistic leather and cotton outfit), the last surviving member of her ancient, vampire-hunting family. Turns out one of her ancestors stupidly promised God that he and his unfortunate relations would neither rest nor enter heaven until Dracula was defeated. "In retrospect, an obvious mistake," Basilico quips. Thus Helsing now must make sure that the poor dope's family won't be lost in purgatory.
Friar Carl, played by David Wenham of `SeaChange' fame, aids Van Helsing in this debatable quest by supplying him with daylight grenades directly out of Guillermo Del Toro's `Blade 2,' spinning razors, silver bullets, holy water and a rapid-fire crossbow with a seemingly endless supply of ammunition. (Now, it should be pointed out that nowhere in Bram Stoker's classic novel -- or its many cinematic adaptations -- does Van Helsing use anything even remotely like this crossbow, but it has long been hypothesized by reputable literary scholars that he was in fact modeled after an oddball historical personage by the name of Wilberforce H.K. Smithington who may have used something like it.) Before I forget, judging from his affected British accent Wenham is under the regrettable delusion that he is providing voice-over for Pino Van Lamsweerde's `Asterix in Britain.' "It was a real doddle copping down here to Transylvania, what what? Just smashing," one can almost hear him say.
Still, in terms of sheer ludicrousness none of the above can even compare to Count Vladislaus Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) and his brides (three obnoxious Maxim models). Roxburgh's performance is obviously modeled after both the Count from `Sesame Street' and an Ed Wood-era Bela Lugosi. "Beware," Dracula warns. "Beware of the big green dragon that sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys... puppy dog tails, big fat snails. Beware. take care." Later, he demonstrates how a vampire eats a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. "I like to eat the peanut butter first," he exclaims, leaving deep tooth marks in the drained chocolate cup. Meanwhile his wives unanimously pretend to be in a Joel Schumacher film. When they're not gesticulating wildly or turning into androgynous, Marilyn Manson-like flying Barbie dolls, they boast even worse accents than Dracula, taunting and playing with Valerious in what `Ebert's Bigger Little Movie Glossary' refers to as the "Fallacy of the Talking Killer." Helsing and Valerious might as well have fought three Jar Jar Binkses instead. "Your blahd vill keep me beautiful forever," Bride #3 sneers. "Vat do you zink about zat?" Valerious replies: "If you're going to kill someone, do it. Don't just stand there talking about it." Apparently, she's a fan of `The Good, the Bad and the Ugly', where Tuto utters the similar, famous line "When you have to shoot, shoot, don't talk." Or perhaps director Steven Sommers was a little too aware of the fact that the brides could have easily killed Valerious 20 minutes into the film, but instead opted to merely lick her face, ala `The Relic.'
Ah, but the many `homages' don't end there. Besides the aforementioned films, Sommers pilfers scenes from `Return of the Jedi' (Luke burning Vader's remains and the following metaphysical appearance of Anakin, Obi Wan and Yoda), `Raiders of the Lost Ark' (the desert chase, where Indy's private parts come dangerously close to the wheels of the truck), `Speed' (the bus jumping the bridge), `The Lion King' (Simba's father in the sky), `Twister' (a cow being tossed around for comic effect), `The Hunchback of Notre Dame' (`The bells, the bells!') and of course the Bond franchise (Q, a rip-off so obvious that it has been pointed out by every single reviewer on the web). Also, he recycles plot devices from his own films, such as the illustration explaining how to kill the monster, a device used in `The Mummy Returns,' and Kevin J. O'Connor's performance as Igor, identical to Joey `Tooch' Pantucci from `Deep Rising' and Beni Gabor from the first `Mummy.'

Oh, and of course there's the rope swinging, reminiscent of both `Tarzan' and `Spider-Man.' Never in my life have I seen this much rope swinging in utter defiance of all known physics. Almost every major character, even (I am not making this up!) the Frankenstein monster, gets to swing hundreds of feet across canyons and ravines, smashing safely through windows or against walls without ever suffering any visible harm -- "Pull the strings," Dracula yells. "Pull the strings!" At one time Valerious falls hundreds of feet, smashes against several ropes on the way, gets electrocuted, and is still able to catch the edge of a bridge, holding on with one hand. This makes me wonder why she hasn't considered simply strapping on an ACME jet backpack instead? And why, I must ask, didn't Friar Carl supply Van Helsing with an oversized magnet?
Incidentally, does anyone remember those mildly amusing yogurt commercials from the early '90s where people would eat a "heavy" sandwich and consequently fall through the floor? The exact same thing happens to Van Helsing and Velerious here, except that the sandwich has been replaced by absinthe. Yup, there's nothing funnier than people falling through shoddy floors! Of course, the floor doesn't even mess up our heroes' hair. This makes me wonder. is Van Helsing immortal? Or is he just ageless? Sommers seems to hint at the fact that Helsing is in fact archangel Gabriel, the left hand of God, and was present at the battle of Masada. What the hell is that all about? And why does Dracula keep werewolves around if they're the only ones who can kill him? And. vampire baby bats? ("One, one bat! Two, two bats! Hahahah!") And what the hell are those mole-men working in Dracula's laboratory? And why does the coach catch on fire when struck by a wolfman? And why does Dracula dress like a Flamenco instructor? And won't Frankenstein starve to death, stranded at sea on that ridiculous raft? And . oh, never-frickin'-mind!
I'm not even going to get started on the abysmal special effects on display here. Let's just say they're not nearly as convincing as Bert I. Gordon's bendable clay puppets.
Blech.