Unbelievably awful

Rating: 1/10 (10 May 2004)

-Spoilers-
Where do I begin? Besides currently entertaining a class-action suit to sue for my time back, I'm compelled to paraphrase Homer Simpson and just write `Screw Sommers' for the next twelve lines, but I suppose I need to try to put into words why I think this is one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my entire LIFE.
It wasn't the fact that the CGI (with some slight exceptions of the work on Dr. Jekyll  but only slight and fleeting) was terrible. It wasn't the fact that there was a plethora of plot holes and loose ends (even allowing for a franchise). Nor could it simply be explained by the fact that the story progressed as quickly as your average daytime soap opera. (You mean that they are STILL at the same party and I missed six months of the show?) This movie was horrible because it tried to be something it just absolutely couldn't  a coherent, action-oriented popcorn flick. I was aghast within the first three or four minutes, and quickly felt like Malcolm McDowell in `A Clockwork Orange' being forced to watch horrible imagery on the screen. I tried my damndest, but I couldn't even take the opportunity for a two hour nap because this film was like a bad accident  you want to look away, every fiber of your being is telling you to look away, but you just can't because you are so astonished at how horrible the display before you is. I can't remember exactly when, because I think my body went into shock halfway through as a defense mechanism, but I was so appalled by the corniness and sheer awfulness of a particular scene, that I actually turned to a complete stranger next to me who was alone and completely slouched down with a look on his face like he had not only just run over his dog, but was forced to do it again, and said, `Okay, seriously?!' and garnered a sympathetic eye roll in return.
-Definite Spoilers Ahead-
I'm not even going to comment on the acting because there WAS no acting, except that Kate Beckinsale had an accent which ranged from Count Chocula to something completely indistinguishable, and made for some pretty hilarious viewing. Oh wait, I wasn't supposed to laugh at that  I was supposed to laugh at Igor walking around muttering under his breath how it's always, `Do THIS Igor, do THAT Igor.' I also don't think I was supposed to be laughing when Beckinsale was telling people to run inside to protect themselves from Dracula's brides, yet she and everyone else ran circles around the town square for about five minutes  I was supposed to find the fact that the Friar, when asked by a townsperson what she could do to make up for him saving her life, ends up calling in his favor by sleeping with her. (Not after reminding us for the 100th time that he's not yet a monk he's a FRIAR.) And I certainly don't think I was supposed to laugh at the Frankenstein Popsicle (why the hell was Frankenstein in the film in the first place, and secondly, why was he frozen in a block of ice?!)  I was supposed to be worried that these jokers were going to get out of Dracula's Castle alive. Unfortunately the only thing I was worried about was whether or not I could control myself long enough to sit through this piece of garbage without trying to sabotage the film and end the misery. The fate of Kate Beckinsale was promising for about a tenth of a second, until Sommers apparently not only decided to attempt to channel the 30's monster films, but The Lion King as well. The touching and tender moment which was probably supposed to illicit emotion definitely created a reaction in me  something akin to a stomach flu or acid reflux.
I've never seen `The Mummy' or `The Mummy Returns', so I can't compare it to his other work, but Van Helsing makes Stephen Sommers look worse than an amateur  he comes across as an amateur who thinks he knows what he's doing. In reality, what he's doing is ruining the promising career of good actors, Hugh Jackman and Richard Roxborough. Rich.Hugh, seriously  leave this potential franchise and run towards the light. Based on the ridiculous presentation of this film, the next one will have Van Helsing getting stuck in a cage match between the Easter Bunny and Snoopy  and we'll be encouraged to find it awe-inspiring because it will be from `The Director of The Mummy!' I can see the trailer now: `Odie. Peppermint Patty. The Wicked Witch of the West. All fear one man.' And hopefully we won't then be seeing Hugh Jackman look up from under his hat this time, but Corey Feldman.
This `film' will do nothing but waste your time. If there was a grade lower than a `1' on the IMDB voting list, I would classify it as that instead of reluctantly giving it a positive number. I wouldn't wish this thing on my worst enemy  I can't muster up enough hate to inflict this tripe. It wasn't long before I was jealous of the vampires' victims, because I wanted to be put out of my misery as easily. Van Helsing is nothing but a huge disappointment, and will only drain any strength of will or intelligence from you. When the film ended, I was left completely defeated and struck dumb. Drop the popcorn and slowly step away from the movie.
--Shelly