A Stupid and Extremely Disappointing Movie

Rating: Null/10 (3 June 2005)

Stephen Sommers is a man I had previously had an odd view of. Yes, his movies were all style and rather idiotic at times, but on the other hand you could sense the almost child-like glee in which he approached his movies. The man seemed to do it because he loved doing big action adventures and in an industry where everyone signs on the dotted line just for the money, that is something of a relief. Not after I saw Van Helsing, though. I will be blunt and tell you that this is probably the cheesiest, dumbest, and surprisingly boring movies I have seen in a long time. Sommers is not doing it because he loves it like he did with the moronic but strangely charming The Mummy series, but most likely because he got a pretty big paycheck. How else can we explain just how hollow the characters are. I know this is not drama, I expect that, but Brendan Frasier in The Mummy was an interesting guy even if not the most developed. Van Helsing himself seems like the perfect setup for a great comic-book hero but all his details are terribly muddled or completely disposed of. And the story--dear god--a simple adventure that will fulfill the potential of the setup would suffice, but it honestly feels like it was made up on the spot. The direction itself is flat, like Sommers just wanted to get it over with. He's not a great director, but he can at least stay asleep behind the camera.
The cast, however, suffers the greatest as some of them seem genuinely embarrassed. Kate Beckinsale needs to stop doing these movies because she's not that great at them as her accent is laughable (she got it from Boris and Natasha) and she looks truly humiliated to be in this drek. Poor girl. Richard Roxbury as Dracula tries his best and seems to be having fun but he's the only one as his campy performance is grating. But Hugh Jackman. Poor Hugh, he's a decent actor, a handsome leading man and seems like an alright guy, but he needs to fire his agent. He's been in crap movie after crap movie and even though he tries his damndest to be a professional he can't save this. Sad that such an alright guy can't pick a decent script because he (and to be fair the whole cast) deserves better.
As for the action, well, maybe i'm spoiled but it seemed boring and lifeless. The main attraction of the movie and they can't even make it interesting? Bad, bad, bad. As far as the CGI goes it is grotesquely over used and rather shoddy. I don't mind CGI but it has to be used (like all effects) to serve the vision but it is the vision itself and surprisingly fake looking considering the good work of ILM and the huge budget of the movie. I will ask the question on my mind the whole time. How do you screw up Wolverine tearing through a myriad of zombies, werewolves, vampires, and Frankenstein's monster with steam-punk weapons? Simple. Have a greedy second-grader write and direct it.