I Wish I Had Stayed Home.

Rating: 1/10 (13 May 2004)

I went to see Van Helsing thinking I would at least be partially entertained. I was wrong. I was bored out of my everlovin skull. The acting was abominable, and it was probably the best thing about the movie. I have rarely been exposed to such a toxically bad script. The "monsters" looked like something from the movie Shrek, and I'm not exaggerating. As a matter of fact I think Mr. Hyde was played by Shrek if I'm not mistaken. The outfits worn by the Van Helsing character and the unbelievable heroine were so ridiculous that I had to consciously force myself not to roll my eyes. And the Werewolf... Lord! How do I describe the failure of the Werewolf? Computer generated monsters are NOT scary, they are fantastical. A Werewolf is a fictional extension of a psychopath. Since, In reality, people are the most frightening thing on Earth, psychopathic killers are the most frightening people. A Werewolf is basically a hyper-psychotic, bent on killing and mutilation. It is therefore essential that for a Werewolf to be frightening, or for just about any humanlike monster to be frightening, the monster must be played by an actual human. that is another reason why the monsters in this film are such a disgrace to all the classic monsters of the past. This movie leaves out the human element; an element that must be present for any movie to succeed on ANY level or genre. By the way... since when does a guy turning into a werewolf have the ability to crawl backwards up a wall like Spiderman?