How can it be "just OK"...when the middle is pretty good, but the end ROTS?

Rating: 2/10 (22 May 2004)

The scriptwriter apparently began with EXCELLENT ideas...bring several classic horror characters together, create clever mythology to tie the classic ideas together, and create a whole new SERIES of plot twists! If Dracula is not the least bit spooky, this can still make for some pretty good entertainment, right? WRONG!
The beginning of the film impressed me for several reasons; A, the "myth-twisting" began right then, and it was pretty darn inventive without being the least bit comical or insulting to the original stories; B, even though the effects looked 100% early-90s (not realistic and very overdone, even laughable), having it shot in black-and-white (or was it done in the editing room?) seemed to balance that out...I could have enjoyed the entire movie that way, though scaling back on the special effects would have made it more realistic and therefore convincing; and C, beginning this movie with a tribute to classic "Frankenstein" woven DIRECTLY with the myth-twisting was a true inspiration! But "Van Helsing" never delivers.
Let me begin with my #1 complaint: I cannot think of ANY TYPE OF MOVIE that can benefit by giving its viewers pounding headaches, but that's exactly what you get! Every scrape of the sword, every swoop, punch, breakage, thump, shout, or bit of movement in this film is ramped up to full volume, with no discernable purpose. If you want to see "Van Helsing" after reading this (if you're looking for a way to waste your money), do yourself a BIG favor...bring Tylenol...LOTS of TYLENOL! The only thing equally annoying is the constant banshee-screaming of the many comical female vampires. This headache is really getting to me now! WHY, OH WHY, DIDN'T I BRING TYLENOL?
Considering that every creature in this film looks like it belongs on a special Halloween edition of "Nickolodeon", the action manages to be somewhat impressive at the start, even if it's not the least bit convincing. The action almost NEVER stops...it's the fastest 2 hours and 20 minutes I've ever spent at the movies (even faster than "The Last Samurai", which had a LOT quality elements between the few hugely impressive sequences)...so this must mean it's at least a very good movie, right? WRONG AGAIN! An hour after this movie has ended, my heart is still pounding...in tune to my head. By the way, did I mention I had a headache?
Dracula is thin, ugly and whiny, wears an earring, and isn't the least bit spooky. If you think it's impossible to turn the most charismatic, human, and seductive evil creature of all time into a wimpy, white-faced mupped, THINK AGAIN! I would criticize the acting, except that no one is EVER given a chance to act. Maybe he spends too much time with his many banshee-vampiresses. Maybe he has a headache...did I say headache?
More than halfway through this movie, I still thought I would have rated it "very good" (maybe 6 or 7, depending how it turned out), simply because the (good) plot slowly unravelled through the film seemed to hint towards a good or possibly better ending. The involvement of a certain religious element with Van Helsing (I'll leave at that, to avoid spoiling what good points there are), was kind of unique, if a little Star Trekkish. In spite of all my complaints (the biggest at this point was still my unanticipated need for Tylenol), several elements still surprised me in a good way. Although, in predictable Hollywood style, the heroine's beauty must be at least equal to her brains and she must fall halfway out of her (inappropriate for her line of work) clothing, this film surprises by giving the most unexpected genius plan totally to the female...not just some hooky swordwork, not just a moment of mild intelligence or bravery in support of our "real" (male) hero, but an awesome plan unknown to both the viewer and every male in the film. I thought that was pretty cool. And there's not even any sex, sexual comments, heck, I'm trying to remember if there's even a swear. Things must be looking up, right? WRONG!
Maybe part of the problem is that in the process of twisting together and expanding on the mythologies of several classic monsters, the scriptwriter wrote himself right into a corner. Still, one would think that someone who had the brains to create these ideas would be able to keep some level of suspense through the end of the film. Let's just say that, if this film had a song with lyrics in its soundtrack, country crooner Martina McBride's "Wrong Again" would have been entirely appropriate. I know it's possible to reveal the plot ending/solution, ahead of time when necessary and still create a great ending through style and pacing alone...it's been done enough times...but IT DOESN'T HAPPEN HERE. As soon as the Friar figures out the "solution", it's ALL downhill. ALL. Everybody connected with the film must have given up, because almost every "tight spot" is escaped by crazy coincidence if not complete accident! Forget brains, forget skill...heck, forget brawn! This "solution" (which is the missing link in all this myth-weaving) seems to hint at a darn good ending. You can just forget it!
"Van Helsing" seems to think it can deliver soley on the strength of loud noises, fast (if ridiculous) action, and cartoonish CGI. If you have teenage boys whose sole means of rating a movie is how many times the hero can swing a sword or throw a punch per minute of film...they will still hate this movie! I know this for a fact, because the ones next to me kept making references to the need for a commercial break from about the first 40 minutes through the end of the movie. During the raging, volume-pumped (yeah, they upped it again) 30-minute "climax" (NOT!), several sarcastic yawns floated my way. If I'd had any with me, I would have taken the opportunity to pop them some Tylenol.