I wish I had four hands...

Rating: Null/10 (7 May 2004)

So I could give this movie four thumbs down.

Thank god the movie ticket was only $5, otherwise I would have stormed the ticket office and demanded a full refund for myself and everyone else in the theatre. Bear with me, I've just come back from seeing it and I have to get these things out before my brain overloads from the frustratingly bad flick of the summer:
1) The script was so jerky it might as well have been arranged with those magnetized phrases you stick up on the fridge. 2) Beckinsale is a fox, but her character was mostly boots, hair and an androgynous eastern European accent. It's never a good thing when you can bookmark the same face/teardrop/breathy voice eight times in one movie ... ("Velkan(?)") 3) Might have lost a friend in an argument after the show on the high dramatics of the pitiable Frankenstein- ("I want to liiiiiiiiive!")
But if she's into movies like that perhaps we were never meant to be friends after all. 4) Jackman smoulders in a stylish turtleneck and wide-shouldered (think Dynasty and Dallas meet Nancy Reagan) trench coat... and that's it. VH is a cardboard cutout no matter how many times Jackman flashes that lady-killer smile of his. Also of note: That head of faux hair was like an angel... Charlie's Angel, Cheryl Ladd. 5) Effects. Effects. Effects. Bruce the Shark should run seminars on how NOT to over-accentuate a cheap special effect.
I promise not to spoil anything for anyone going to see it- just go with your eyes open. And beer- go with plenty of beer; because drinking might make this movie better, since it certainly can't get any worse.