Worst movie EVER

Rating: 2/10 (8 August 2005)

I was expecting this movie to be a typical summer movie: mindless but fun. I was half right.
To help bring myself down to "Van Helsing"'s level--you know, to get into a less critical, fun-anticipating mood--I had three martinis before entering the theater. It wasn't enough.
I've seen better F/X in Ed Wood films. Abbott and Costello met scarier monsters. Video games have more engaging (and credible) plots. The jokes were painful; the drama riotous. Whatsername was hilarious as her accent ranged from Natasha Fatale to a German Scot. If the movie had been tongue-in-cheek (e.g. "The Night Stalker" or "Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things"), it might possibly have succeeded.
It's hard to believe, with the time-tested material they had to work with, that they could possibly have failed to make an entertaining movie. But they did.