Vacuous vehicle for a verbose vigilante

Rating: 2/10 (13 April 2006)

V is indeed for vendetta. But it's also for Vespa, an under-powered vehicle with a monotonous drone that takes forever to get to its final destination. How apt.
Verily, the vessel of vigilantism with the vinyl-veneered visage is a verbal virtuoso who vindicates violence and vexes villains (and viewers) with vacuous values and vows of vengeance whilst voiding his victims with venom. And being such a valiant vouch-saviour of veracity, V's vile and vindictive behaviour is validated.
Ergo, any vociferous vituperation must be vented at the vendors of this vapid and verbose venture because V For Vendetta is a virtual vacuum of vigour, vitality or verve. Or, to borrow the script's most over-used word: "Boll**ks".
It's difficult to get behind an effete bore with no face and a Swing Out Sister wig who loves only one thing more than blowing things up: the sound of his own voice. Just when you'd put the bloated cod-philosophical ruminations of the The Matrix Reloaded's Architect from your mind, the Wachowski brothers have effectively given him his own movie.
"Who? Who is but the form following the function of what." Well thank you, Dr Seuss.
It drones on and on (and on) about freedom of thought and non-conformity before dressing everyone up to look exactly like V in a final scene that would have been deemed too cheesy for an 80s rock video.
And how many times do we have to watch a human kebab emerging from flaming ruins?
Vendetta creator Alan Moore knew what he was doing when he washed his hands of this debacle. Pity Natalie Portman didn't do the same thing. She's dreadful  even if you ignore the accent stuck between Dartford and Durban.
"I wish I didn't have to be here tonight" says one character. He took the words right out of my mouth.