It sucks. There's no other way to describe it, with or without pun.

Rating: 1/10 (18 January 2005)

The first thing people learn how to do in life is to suck. When a baby is born the mother then breast feeds it and it learns how to suck. The people who made this movie never mentally progressed beyond this stage because they still suck. This movie is not so much a movie as it is a test of endurance. You have to sit idly by while this movie destroys everything good and holy in this world.
"Underworld" is a horror/sci-fi/action/adventure/occult/Gothic/bad movie where an unexplained Romeo and Juliet type love takes place, although without the part where the audience cares. Apparently, there has been a blood feud between Vampires and Lycanthropes (spelled 'lycans', pronounced 'lichens') going on right under our noses. Selene, a piece of eye candy who hates lycans, is a death dealer who just can't keep her hands off two things; guns and Michael. Why exactly she can't keep her hands off the latter is not explained, but the former is because, of course, she also can't stop shooting Lycans. Kraven shows us he can't stop loving Selene but also that he can stop acting at will, if he even was to begin with. Viktor shows us that, wow, vampires drink human blood, and Lucien shows us that vampires can get pregnant, despite reproducing solely through biting.
Before I witnessed this unholy sacrilege, I took the time to read the novelization. I, thinking this movie would be a wonderful portrayal of aristocratic vampire and carnal lycanthropes, wanted to know everything about the movie before it actually came out. Before I was thoroughly disappointed by the movie, I found the novelization to be very entertaining. The fact that the novelization was better than the actual movie moves us into my next two points; the poor acting and low-grade cinematography.
"Willing suspension of disbelief" is a term used by actors and directors meaning the audience will believe and go along with what is presented on stage. Movies follow the same rules, but "Underwold" decided to be new and different and suck totally. From start to finish, the actors fail to emote and deliver their lines in a believable and appropriate manner. I cringe simply thinking about how horribly this movie sucked. As for cinematography, it rivaled "Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone" on the meter of how badly-placed and incoherent the scene transitions were. Not only is the audience left bewildered and confused, by they quickly become disgusted as they are fed more mediocre and unemotive dialogue. If these movie makers simply wanted to see how badly they could suck in a two-excruciating-hour movie, they achieved their goal in the most obnoxious way possible.
Visually, this movie is bearable. It would make any goth in makeup smile. The settings set the mood well, but the CG sucked. Of course, one could argue that this was due to lack of a budget (the acting proves as such. And did you see those dismembered limbs?) but give this thought a spin; George Romero, director of the Dead trilogy ("Night of The Living Dead", "Dawn of The Dead", and "Day of The Dead") had little to no budget for his movies. The zombies had no torn-flesh, decomposing makeup (which "Resident Evil" proudly sports), but you could still tell they were zombies. Sucky budget should be compensated by a good dose of creativity. But no, Underworld decided to suck once again and make the CG not only choppy and far-between, but the werewolves (Or lycans, while they're trying to be different) looked like rampaging horse/panther demons from any movie containing the words "Thing", "From" and "Beyond" in the title.
Sure, a horse/panther demon might be scary for a five-year-old boy with a complex, but that isn't the target audience, now is it? Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-lycanthrope. The vampires had their fair share of sucky creativity as well. Besides the frilly, synthetic-blood sucking, nancy-ass vampires who probably whined that they needed makeup to distract the audience from their terrible acting (also known as the main characters), most of the vampires looked like humans with those $5 fangs you find at a secondhand costume store glued to their incisors. Any vampire or lycanthrope purist would know that this movie is pure blasphemy. It defiles all of the traditional aspects of vampirism and lycanthropy that have been well-established throughout the years of horror movies. Vampires are evil beings. The thought of vampires realizing that mortals aren't just there for food sickens me to no end. And, somehow, lycanthropes are not as profoundly connected with the moon as everyone thought! Imagine that! Perhaps I'm nitpicking, but it is my belief that changes should be made for the better, not to further increase how much something sucks.
The most excruciating part in this movie is when, at the end, they decide to further advance the sucky plot by setting up the possible thought of yet another Underworld movie. A part of me wants to see this simply to know how far these people will go to ruin their reputation entirely.
In short, this movie sucked. There really is no other word that so best describes it. Bring your friends, bring your family. This movie sucked.