Talk talk talk talk talk . . .

Rating: 3/10 (17 May 2007)

"Underworld" was made for the soul purpose of turning two icons of the horror genre, werewolves and vampires, and throw them into the action genre, along with some lousy special effects (which there are VERY few) and even worse script. Here's my take on the "Swing-and-a-miss" attempt to turn horror-movie creatures into action-movie stars.
Underworld's main character is the very 'robotic' vampire woman, Selene, played by Kate Beckinsale. Selene has been hunting werewolves (or Lycans, which is the director's 'clever' name for them, taken from a deformity in the mind that makes the person think they turn into a wolf, but anyway) and she is also on a lot of stress from her commander, Kraven, and some blonde vampire that wants to be her. One night, during an assignment, Selene discovers the Lycans (*cringe*) are looking for the "direct descendant" of their elder, Alexander Corvinus. But (uh oh!) Selene, seeking help, awakens one of the vampire elders, Viktor, to aid her and her kin in the stopping of this plot (which for some reason, she seem to know exactly where the Lycans (*cringe*) are going and what they're planning). Viktor gets angry. Apparently, the other elder, Marcus, is supposed to be awake to rule and not him, but he quickly forgives Selene for waking him up many centuries early when he hears how the Lycan (*cringe*) leader, Lucian (who was thought to be dead), is still alive and well and is leading the Lycans (*cringe*) to their plan.
In the meantime, we are introduced to Michael, the unfortunate human who happens to be the Lycans' target and while he is trying to escape from Selene, who isn't good at introductions, and the werewolves chasing him, he runs into Lucian, who bites him, and everyone knows that werewolf theory, if you're bitten by a werewolf, you become one, and that is exactly what starts to happen. Then, the action takes a long break until the ending conflict. In this time, it's all talk talk! DISCOVERY!!! Talk talk talk talk talk. Plot twist!!! Talk talk talk talk! Then, big showdown, and the movie ends as a cliffhanger to the much (MUCH) better, Underworld: Evolution.
During all the boring 'explaining the obvious' scenes, you are just sitting there, waiting for the action to start up, but it doesn't. By then, you'll probably turn off the movie, since the characters just becomes so lousy, especially the emotionless Selene, that you don't even care if the vampires win or not.
The movie is also plagued by bad planning. This is revealed in the Special Features. Apparently, the director and producer got this bonehead idea to make the werewolves look more and feel more like CATS. Do they even know what a werewolf is? What's worse, is that the director spent more money on the really cheap-looking werewolf suits then on the special effects. Maybe the director didn't get the idea that CGI gets more attention from the audience, so don't make so many horrible costumes and put some dough into the special effects so the werewolves feel realistic.
The vampires aren't any better. Kraven, their leader, seems to have more of a temper than brains. The whole time, it appears that he lets Selene do all the planning, research, and grunt work, while he kicks back and drinks blood from a juice box. The vampires look and feel more like aristocrats than werewolf hunters. The movie tries to explain this off, by making Selene say that most of their "deathdealers" (hunters, basically) have died, and Kraven doesn't worry at all about the fact that a legion of werewolves are out there and he has only one Deathdealer, and numerous soldiers who are so dumb that most of their deaths are from sneak attacks from werewolves.
A movie about a centuries-old war between vampires and werewolves sounds like a very good movie that deserves to be at the top list of best planned movie, but the director can't pull it off and spent more time, probably, ordering Krispy Kremes for the studio than on the quality of script, the actors, and special effects. Ugh! I think my lunch almost came out from remembering this trash. Don't go buy it (HURK!), don't rent it (HURK!!), get the second one. (BLAAAGH!!!)