Sweet Baby Jesus My Brain Hurts

Rating: 2/10 (1 May 2004)

This movie is so bad it makes me want to fiercely stab myself in the face with a blunt, rusty, radioactive fork made of some very carcinogenic type of (solid) acid. And I'm not kidding around here.

***** MAY CONTAIN LETHAL DOSES OF SPOILERS *****

Like most of the abominations that come out of Hollywood in this day and age, this one was heavily promoted. The official posters, overdramatized beyond Sillyness as the custom bides, appear regularly in my morning paper. I say this because the poster for this film was particularly bad.
Now, I did not want to see this movie. I wasted 1 hour of a quite lovely evening watching it together with friends before we in unison decided to skip the rest. Tooold yooou.
Someone on the forum claimed the story was supposed to be located in Budapest. That would make a lot of sense since having vampires in England with fake english accents(THE HORROR) is on the verge of rude. Yes, having hungarian vampires with fake english accents(THE HORROR) is so much more original. In fact, that would make this film so much better. Considering that the legendary vampires actually hail from Romania.
Now, why is this movie so bad then?
1) The bad acting. It wasn't outrageous, and it wasn't every actor. But some, like the antagonist vampire whose name I can't be buggered to remember, really didn't pull what little weight they should have. But what can you expect from movie actors these days?
2) The plot. Oh the plot. Not a single tiny piece or feature of this film is original in any way known to civilized man. The "antagonist-turning-out-to-be-allied-with-the-enemy-OH-NOZ!!1" makes me want to break down and cry. In a manly way.
And our heroine so decisively going against said antagonist for no particularly obvious reason except we know he's a right sod and she's TEH BABE.
The whole gimmick with some tech/science bi-person developing custom-made weapons and gadgets for the main characters.
And I dare you to get me started on the shallow and quite life-drainingly bad story-introduction.
Actually, I lied. Leaving out every single religious aspect IS original.
I suspect why though, and it's not very clever. Or interesting.
3) Well, the bloody rest. Curse you Matrix. The whole pathetic setting. Goth. Vampires. Cathedral. Darkness. Rain. Black leather clothes. The chic car. THE CLICHÉES. OH DEAR GOD THE CLICHÉES ARE DEVOURING MY SOUL. Where was I? Ah yes. The busts/statues at the shooting range. The ridiculous shooting scenes. The train fight. The misuse of antichristian creatures.
This could be better but I'm now tired.
I gave this movie 2/10 because I have seen worse films. Can't remember any right now, though.
Observe how I without shame review this film without seeing the second half of it. That is only because I am better than people who would, potentially, disagree with me. And I'm not joking around here.
If you liked this film you will not like The Fearless Vampire Killers, Dracula - Dead And Loving It or Hellsing(anime).