Crap!

Rating: 2/10 (14 October 2004)

This is the least intriguing movie I've seen all year, and the worst since THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN, which at least was fun for a couple of minutes. UNDERWORLD is no fun at all.
It's an unrelentingly bleak, gory, underlit, undernourished, and over-directed vampire/werewolf film with not so much as a shred of irony or wit. So, you might think, there's nothing wrong with that.
Well, think again. There is no exposition to the story, which is fine because there is no story. There is no introduction to the characters, which is fine because there are no characters - just pretty puppets for the teenage crowd. The piece has no rhythm, which is fine because there is no plot. UNDERWORLD is a non-entity which draws blanks in *every* respect except gore and f/x.
And it's ridiculously prudish, too. Gushes of blood all over the place, but the minute there is no much as the *hint* of nudity, a well-placed pile of books placed before the actress "protects" our innocent children from seeing nipples. I love the Americans - their bigotry in such affairs is unrivaled anywhere in the world. :)
So, don't watch this unholy mess. Get yourself any nice Hammer horror film from the sixties - *any* of them has ten times more *real* style, character and substance than this pile of garbage.
Thomas