Ugh. A nightmare.

Rating: 3/10 (30 December 2005)

Underworld was bad. Terrible. Even if you ignore the clichéd dialogue, it was atrocious. The whole thing smacked of looking good on paper, but not translating to the screen. See: The werewolves doing their retarded wallrunning. I'm sure that seemed a good idea in someone's head, but it just looked silly. See: Selene escaping by shooting a hole in the floor. I'm sure that seemed cool when they stole it from Trigun, but when you think about it, you realize she could have gotten away much easier, faster and using fewer bullets just by SHOOTING the gorram werewolves. See: Big Blue Goku Immortal. Sounds nifty, but he just looked retarded. See: THe fact that Big Blue Goku Immortal, despite being supposedly the biggest badass around, goes down almost immediately, and common vampire Selene has to pick up the slack.
Then there was the script. Oh, the script. Every single movie cliché in existence was used, from "Time to Die" to "Leave us!"(Three times, I should point out!). In fact, I think this film's defining moment is when KravenSays "Leave us!", has everyone leave the room, slaps Selene and then walks out. What the heck was that? Nothing else about the movie encapsulated just how silly it was. It's either that or when they used the ridiculous bit with Victor's head sliding off. THank you for reviving yet ANOTHER horrible cliché. That's JUST what the industry needs.
The action was mediocre at best, and since that's pretty much all this movie's got going for it, the whole thing was a cinematographic train wreck.
I'm giving it three stars. Really, it would get one or two, but it doesn't do anything to actively offend my senses the way, say, Space Mutiny or The Hulk does. It simply fails wholeheartedly to be good at all.