Needs an 8th less plot, a 4th more action

Rating: Null/10 (22 September 2003)

Vampires are cool. They are beautiful, ageless creatures that are both immaculate and terrifying due to the threat they pose. No one can deny the distinct sexual tension when a vampire seduces and bites one of its victims, because nine times out of ten, the victim kinda wants it.

The vampires in `Underworld' don't do this however. They might as well exist in the Matrix, shooting at everything that moves in stylized poses with weapons that slide and click against each other all the time. Where `Underworld' lacks originality, it makes up for in noise, noise, noise. I guess that's supposed to be scary.
Kate Beckinsale plays Selene, a vampire warrior always clad in tight leather. Her clan of vampires have been hunting down a clan of werewolves for the better part of a thousand years, and yet both clans have retained pretty sizable numbers. In the progress of the movie, she encounters Scott Speedman's doctor-type who's werewolf bite could result in some hirsute nights when the moon is out. They fall in love, kinda, but only to fulfill the Romeo and Juliet allegory/rip-off the producers were aiming for.

The special effects for the werewolves never really come full circle. When the beasties are realistic with digital effects, they look like cartoons. The practical effects just look like people wearing werewolf costumes. Neither creation seems to move in a realistic, animalistic way.

The vampires all look the part, but that's a little easy. Make'em look nice and pale, slap on some fake teeth and employ some wire effects. But these vampires certainly don't act the part. They're all very whiny people for immortals. There's a bizarre love quadrangle as the head of Selene's cult swoons after her while some other vampire chick swoons after him all the while Selene's making the sweetie eyes at the werewolf doctor. Honestly, who cares?
Does a movie like this need so much plot? There are really only three scenes big enough to considered action scenes. The opener and the finale are so overlong and overdone, the audience gets bored. The third is so inconsequential, why waste the film stock? The rest of the film is all double and triple crosses, convoluted plot points and flashbacks of why the war started in the first place.
Had this film had half the skilled visuals of `The Crow,' `Blade' or `The Matrix,' it might have been a standout. `Underworld' is more like a stand still.