really awful

Rating: Null/10 (25 September 2003)

To those who believe the only reason people won't like Underworld is because they aren't `into' that kind of genre, I say this: no, no, NO! I am a traditionalist when it comes to horror movies involving werewolves and vampires. I like the Bela Lugosi, the James Whales, the Dwight Frye, and the Lon Chaney Jr. kind of film. I love the set ups, short length and soul in the Universal Horror films of the 1930's and 1940's. Now I see films like Blade: fair enough. I will buy the reinvention. But a film like Underworld does even reinvent the monsters, it rips off common techniques visible not even in Blade, but in the Matrix, so on. Underworld is absolutely preposterous. I can think of many two or three scenes that showed some promise. The rest of the scenes are poorly conceived and executed. You would think a lame, terrible contrived and convoluted action horror film would at least have a few scares and/or a major star to flex some charisma. Sadly no. We have absolutely no tension and a lame brained performance by `Scott Speedman'. Who said this dickweed could be in major motion pictures. I sure as hell didn't. People need to get an okay from before their evolve from the WB to the big screen (I gave Jessica Biel an 'okay' when I saw the fuck scene in Rules of Attraction). Scott is completely bland here and interchangeable with Barry Watson in my mind. Actually. I might have enjoyed Barry Watson fighting vampires or whatever the hell this picture was about. Okay. Choke on this load. Werewolves and vampires have been fighting for hundreds of years. For some reason, RIGHT NOW they are all within blocks of each other and killing like heck. The hot vampire protagonist is Kate Beckinsale, apparently the only character given to us to try and sympathize with. Everyone else is amoral in a banal way, evil in one dimension of the word, or completely forgettable. There are several other vampires around her, but I couldn't keep any of them straight. Please note: the horribly over the top acting in this film. Specifically Shane Brolly as the double crossing (don't ask) leader Kraven. Hopefully Shane will be `Kraven' a new agent after this. He spends his minutes on film brooding about, screaming and so on. His character managed to achieve this plotless mess to become even more ludicrous. Okay, Kraven is a laughably bad character in a fairly inept film. That will not prepare you for the character of `Lucian', played by Michael Sheen. Remember the hilariously over the top costumes by Jeremy Irons in The Time Machine, or Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau? This is in that league. He is a revived vampire leader who spends half the movie `growing' his skin and face back on. I'm not quite sure what the hell was going on. This movie is that bad. And to compensate for these poor characters and plot, it seemed as if the volume during the 'action' scenes (if you can call them that) was pumped all the way up. My head is still ringing, a week later. Another problem lies in continuity. Even the background given to us through narration had loopholes the size of an African princess getting her ears pierced! What has everyone been doing for all these years? `Fighting'? Riiight. Not to even mention or get into the attempt by the filmmakers to give this film a dark, grisly edge. The film takes place turning the nighttime and in the rain. Do these characters sleep during the day? Do the werewolves have day jobs? The real story lies within the werewolves, of whom I have always been accustomed to liking (go Lon Chaney!). What is the REAL motivation of these beasts. Do they have families? Where do they like hanging out? Starbucks? And is it hard finding an apartment that allows quasi pets? All and all, I hardly felt the need to write a review for this. Several comrades of mine of already pointed the flaws here. This film stinks and I can't think of anything redeemable about it. It gives werewolf movies a bad name (I even liked Teen Wolf!). See this if you are planning a 'Clockwork Orange' type torture session.