Angels With Dirty Faces Mutiny On The River Kwai With Cool Hand Luke

Rating: 1/10 (5 July 2016)

As my bomber dove into the water, I thought back to my childhood. I was a bad kid, just like Jimmy Cagney in ANGELS WITH DIRTY FACES. See, here I am outrunning a cop who says I'll end up in reform school! Luckily, my big brother (who would have been Pat O'Brien in the old days) tells me I can do anything. So immediately I'm a track star in the Olympics!
Now here I am, stuck on a lifeboat for weeks on end, just like Charles Laughton MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY. Eating seagulls? Catching sharks? When Laughton did it as Captain Bligh he looked so damned cool. Why do I look like a jerk? Must be the character was more interesting. Bligh started mean, and hard, but on the raft he slowly changed. When he shared his food it was a shock. He became human. Interesting. Complex. ("But I am still giving the orders here, Mr. Maggs.") I just sat around talking about mama's spaghetti. (Just like Clemenza in THE GODFATHER. But not cool!)
At last! Rescued by the Japanese, I'm thrown in prison camp. I've got nothing, just like Paul Newman in COOL HAND Luke. But sometimes nothing can be a mighty cool hand! So now I'm defiant, I've got attitude. But somehow I'm still a lifeless chump. And yet all anyone does is tell me how wonderful I am all the time! That evil Bird guy keeps beating me up, and stealing scenes one after another. It's not fair! He's actually ACTING and not sitting around looking blank. He reminds me of Brian Donlevy playing the evil Sergeant Markov in the original BEAU GESTE. Discipline in this camp is severe, I promise you! But I'm not fighting to protect my family, or my honor, or even the fabulous Blue Jewel. I'm no Gary Cooper . . . I promise you!
Hey, what gives! The war is over, and now I can go home. I ran really fast, I flew airplanes, I got beat up, I got tortured, I floated around in a boat, and I never gave up hope. Hope for what, I don't know. But my story proves that if you never quit you can accomplish anything.
If you never quit ripping off classic movies, that is.