*Possible SPOILERS*

Rating: Null/10 (29 December 2000)

That there is something special about Mel Gibson's buttocks is no surprise to thousands of women (and some men, no doubt.) That there is also something magical about Bruce Willis's buttocks may come as a more surprising plot twist in this bizarre and frequently risible film. How do we know this? Well, Mr Willis plays a stadium security guard and while perusing a queue for undesirable elements, the camera takes a lingering interest in his hind quarters followed by some flashing. Yes, Mr Willis has SUPER BUTTOCKS! But they must be dry buttocks or else there can be a technical hitch. Fortunately for Willis, the film did not take place in the UK during the year 2000 or else his buttocks would have suffered from a constant flat battery. Still, he has the very slow drip-drip of the screenplay to contend with.
There was a lot of barely suppressed giggling through-out the showing of this movie, not least during a spectacularly irresponsible gun scene and an impromptu wrestling match in a bedroom. In fact, the mere sight of Mr Willis in his security coat was enough to get me going, but my favourite bit was when Samuel L Jackson, with a seventies super-fly guy black leather jacket and walking stick, chases (or wobbles after) someone across a road. You half expect the deep boom of Isaac Hays to waft over the speakers:
"Whose the stretcher case to all the chicks? - SPLINT!"
But full honours must go to the hilarious scene in the station in which every kleptomaniac, date rapist, sociopath and serial killer in America happen to coincidently converge on Bruce Willis causing an immediate flashing buttock over-load. But are there that many bad people walking around in America? I think the more likely outcome would be *flash* tax fiddle *flash* un-payed phone bill *flash* forgot to feed cat *flash* didn't call mum at weekend. Also, the visual reference to Christ was un-called for. We recall a bright halo floating above that admirable fellow, but a conspicuous lack of flashing buttocks in pursuit of good works. Perhaps modern methods are needed in this case.
But searching for the hero inside yourself can bring rich rewards. Willis's wife starts looking at him with bedroom eyes again, proving the old saying that if you love a man's buttocks, you gotta love the man. But Mr Willis's buttocks fail him when confronted by the director in a cameo, suggesting that the director may be wet behind the ears resulting in kryptomite-like problems. Not that there is anything wrong with being wet behind the ears, or a nerd who likes comic books. I've got a collection stashed away in an attic surrounded by surveillance cameras and 24-hour guard dogs. According to the title sequence, Americans purchase a huge amount of comics which, by implication, must have had an effect on the culture. But the director seems to contradict this by boldly suggesting with little evidence that Americans are in despair and unwilling to believe in heroes. You can't have it both ways, can you? It's arguable that screen actors have replaced comic book heroes, only with bigger egos. Despite his superhero status, Willis's name is surprisingly small on the poster. He's got a little Willis. The poster it has to be said, is considerably brighter than anything in the film which continues a depressing trend in modern cinema towards filters that turn planet earth into a bewildering array of murky colours. We've had sepia in 'Gladiator' and 'Erin Brockovitch', blue in God knows how many pictures and in 'Payback' a memorable bleached bluey-grey. Does it make the picture better? This film takes place during a permanent lunar eclipse.
Shyamalan resists doing something naff like pulling back to reveal the entire film taking place in a comic book but seeing as there are 281.4 million people presently living in the States, the success of the dastardly villain's plans seem somewhat statistically unlikely. This haziness with numbers extends to Willis's conclusion to Elijah that he is 75% sure he isn't the hurting kind. How he arrived at this figure is something of a mystery. I mean, is he 75% sure he's had all his hair chopped off or only 70% sure? Is the extra 5% due to confusion over the status of designer stubble? When he plunges head first into that swimming pool does he think he's 50% wet or only 40%? How can he not be sure that 15% of him isn't actually lying in bed with his wife? But we're at least 83% sure that Shyamalan can still tell a good yarn but whether or not he has wings remains to be seen. And I'm 110% sure that squint-o-vision has definitely had it's day.